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Of course when the realization hits him Tony isn’t alone in the workshop. Or the penthouse. Or any place else where he wouldn’t have to worry about others seeing his expression. Oh no, it had to be right in the middle of team super of all places. Because that’s definitely a great place to have such a revelation clearly.
He had been in the middle of laughing at something Bucky said, leaning heavily against Rhodey. Once again great place to be having these kind of thoughts. Because you should definitely realize you are in love with someone when leaning against your long term partner. Right. Honestly what is his life even anymore.
The rest of the team stares at him. He isn’t sure what his face is doing, but he hopes it doesn’t look as panicked as he feels.Because he is about five seconds from dropping into a massive panic attack right here and now.
“Tony?” Steve asks, “Are you alright?”
“Science!” Tony blurts out and flees from the room. Hopefully it looks less like he was running away in terror and more like he was running towards the shop. Well he is, but not for the purpose he said. It’s not the most ridiculous excuse either, seeing as how he’s done this before. Maybe they won’t notice.
The problem is that while there is a chance the team won’t, Rhodey will. They have known each other for too long for Tony to fool him like this. Not without planning and a firm hold of the Stark Mask. So he definitely knows that Tony is freaking out. He may not know the reason behind it, but he knows it is happening.
May know? He can’t know. He can’t . It will ruin everything. He will ruin everything, just like he ruins everything else. Lovelace what is wrong with him? Clearly something. How can he fall in love with Bucky when Rhodey is right there? The most perfect partner Tony can ever wish to have. Can ever dream of having. Sometimes even now, years and decades later, he can’t believe it. That Rhodey stayed. That Rhodey loves him back.
He loves Rhodey. Loves him with his very being. That hasn’t changed and it can’t see how it ever will. So what is happening? Selfish. He’s being selfish, that’s what. God Howard was right about him. He hates to admit it, to give the bastard anything, but he is. Here Tony is wanting more when he already has more than he deserves. Selfish. Horrible, selfish boy only ever thinking of himself. A disappointment. A screw up. Worthless.
He gets to the workshop and immediately goes over to the couch to curl up in the corner of it. He bites down hard so that his teeth don’t chatter. He wraps his arms around himself, but that doesn’t do anything. “Black out JARVIS,” he orders. He ignores how his voice cracks as he does.
“Are you sure Sir? Colonel Rhodes-”
“Do it,” Tony interrupts, “And don’t let anyone in do you hear me?”
“Always Sir.”
Dum-E comes over, blanket dangling in his claw. Clumsily he attempts to wrap it around him. It hands on his head, covering him completely. He beeps in success when Tony shifts it enough to look at him.
It pulls a small smile from him. “Good boy,” he says, cuddling up more against the soft material. He buries himself in it so that there is only a small space left for air. It helps - some - but it still feels as if his world is caving in on him.
Dum-E beeps again, nudging against him. He feels a rough pat on his head before the bot crowds as close as he can.
Tesla does he not deserve his bot. Tears form in his eyes, but he wipes them away harshly. No. No tears. Tears are for the weak. He is strong. He is iron. Never mind that Howard was never satisfied that the lesson had sunk in well enough. No matter what he said Tony is not weak .
Except the part where he is. The part where he is still a little child, hoping for the approval of those around him. Pathetic. Truly pathetic. No one wants to hear the whining of a little rich boy. Boo hoo Daddy didn’t love him so now he is a Hot Mess. Who cares? There are others who have it so much worse. He has no right to complain.
It doesn’t stop the panic from welling up in his throat even if he is disgusted by it. By himself. Just another thing that is wrong with him. Can’t control himself, no self restraint whatsoever. He’s known this for years, but never before has it felt so destructive. If he doesn’t get himself together then he is going to lose the best thing that has ever happened to him.
He can’t lose Rhodey.
He can’t .
His chest feels too tight and he is still shivering and his breath is coming out in short gasps. Desperately he digs his nails into his arms - maybe the pain will snap him out of it. But of course it doesn’t work. It never works. No matter how many times he tries, it never works . With growing disgust and panic he tries his calming techniques. He can do this. He can get himself under control. He can.
Only he can’t.
He can’t breathe.
He can’t breathe .
Why can’t he breathe? Is he back in the cave again? It’s dark now. It was always dark there. But no. No obviously he isn’t. He’s in the workshop panicking like an idiot because he was stupid enough to fall in love with someone else. Oh Lovelace he thinks he is going to get sick.
His shivering is only getting worse, as is his breath, when a pair of arms wrap around him from the outside of the blanket. “Easy there genius,” Rhodey says.
Tony wants to yell at JARVIS for disobeying his orders, but he can’t get the breath to do so. He can barely get the breath to function like a normal - non pathetic - human being. Seriously, screw his life. He’s done with it.
He gasps, trying to obey. Trying to follow his breathing pattern. It takes long minutes, what feels like an eternity, before it finally works. It leaves Tony shaky and hot, like his skin is too tight for his body.
“Better peacock?” Rhodey asks, still running a steady hand over him.
Tony nods.
“Think you can come out now?”
Oh no. No way is he doing that. He can’t bare to see the expression on his honey bear's face. Not now. Maybe not ever. He shakes his head.
Dum-E comes back and beeps and nudges his side. When did he leave in the first place? He was obviously more out of it than he thought.
He peeks out to see him holding a smoothie in his claw.
“It is safe for human consumption,” JARVIS reassures him.
Cautiously he reaches out to take it before pulling it back into the blanket with him. Maybe he will live here for the rest of his life. That doesn’t sound so bad. He can make it work - somehow. He is a genius after all. Alas it is not to be. The world just won’t let him be. Or Rhodey in this case.
“Come on Tones,” Rhodey coaxes, “lets see those honey browns of yours.”
Tony shakes his head again. Nope. Still no way.
Rhodey sighs and rests his weight against him. Now that’s just cheating it is. He knows what that does to Tony. “Guess we’re doing it like this then.”
That doesn’t sound ominous at all. Tony braces himself. Obviously Rhodey is even more perceptive than he feared and knows exactly what he was thinking. So this was it. The end. Longer than he ever thought possible, but not even this could last forever. Damn his selfish heart. He really does ruin everything.
“So you finally figured it out?” Rhodey asks.
Tony considers playing dump, but that sounds like too much work. And he is so drained right now that he just wants it to be over. He nods. And waits. Tense. So very tense right now.
Rhodey hums. “I was wondering when you would. Honestly I noticed weeks ago.”
Tony can’t help the flinch he gives at that. Weeks? This has been going on for weeks? He’s been unknowingly selfish for that long? It’s even worse than he thought.
“Hey no,” Rhodey soothes, leaning more firmly against him, “I’m not mad. Come on Tones, look at me? Please?”
Tony is helpless against that tone. He wiggles until his eyes are visible.
Rhodey smiles. “There he is.” He reaches in and shoves the rest of the blanket away from his face. Gently he brushes the hair from his sweaty forehead. “My genius boy.”
Tony feels himself flush at the praise and turns away.
“Hey no,” Rhodey repeats, “it’s okay Tones. I’m not mad, not upset, not jealous, not whatever you’re thinking in that big brain of yours.” He gives a soft tug to his hair. “It’s fine. I’ve been planning for this ever since I’ve noticed. If Barnes is open to it - and trust me, he definitely is - we can make this work.”
That is enough to make Tony look at him. “What?” he croaks, voice hoarse.
Rhodey only smiles wider. “You think I don’t know how big that heart of yours is? I’ve known for years. I don’t care what anyone else says either, it’s true. You want Barnes? That’s fine. I know you have room to love both of us. I’m not worried about being replaced.”
If Tony didn’t already know that he didn’t deserve Rhodey before, he does now. That much is abundantly clear. He shakes his head. “You shouldn’t have to-”
“Nope,” Rhodey tells him, cutting him off, “Whatever you’re going to say, stop right there. We’ve had this conversation before. Just because you have it in your head that you don’t get to have nice things doesn’t mean it’s true. Just look at me - I know I’m damn nice.”
That startles a laugh out of Tony.
“And Barnes is nice too. I wouldn’t let this go if he were someone like Tiberious was. Or Sunset. The last thing I do is set you up for more heartbreak. They were scum and should have never been allowed near you in the first place. Barnes is good though, so if you have your pretty heart set on him we’ll go see what he says and see. Got it?” He pokes Tony in the side.
Tony squirms away. “Platypus,” he complains.
Rhodey does it again. “Got it?” he repeats.
“Got it,” he says smiling. He still feels worn out from everything, raw and sore, but the world doesn’t seem as if it is crashing down around him anymore. That’s one of Rhodey’s specialties after all - making sure that Tony’s world stays steady. Or as steady as it can, given who he is exactly.
Rhodey kisses the top of his head, then his nose and finally his lips for a soft reassuring kiss. “Good,” he says and stands. As soon as Tony joins him he wraps an arm around him. “Let’s go get you some food and then see about getting you another man.”
Tony giggles at that. The absolute best thing. Ever.