Work Text:
1919
Adolf Hitler stepped into the office of the Deutsche Arbeiterparti - the "German Workers Party". It was a political party which stood for Anti-Marxism, antisemitism, Pan-Germanism and opposed the Treaty of Versailles, the very treaty which brought World War I to an end. Hitler had come in with an intent to apply to join this party - not because he supported any of their rubbish ideals, (they are all racist and ridiculous!) but because he was on a mission to infiltrate from the German army.
The office was smallish, smelt musty had a hatstand on the side and a large oak table in the center with a chair on one side. On the table was a typewriter, a sheet of documents, a lamp and a framed photo of PS1 Hagrid. Sitting behind the desk was the Führer of the party and - Hitler’s heart stopped - the most dashingly scrumptiously handsome man Hitler had ever laid eyes on.
Hitler thought he was strongly against homosexuality, but he forgot his strict ideals when faced with this angel of a man. He was tall and slender, with a lean athletic figure and two piercing green eyes. He had fit, sinewy arms and had two cute little ears perched at the top of his head. He had dummy thicc ass-cheeks which clapped together whenever he moved. He was clothed only in red sneakers and white gloves. Also he was a blue hedgehog.
“Heh, what’s up slowpoke, Sonic’s the name, and speed’s my game!” “Sonic”... Hitler moaned, imagining this humongously handsome hedgehog licking Adolf’s tiny moustache, rubbing his blue fur all over Hitler’s erect nipples. Hitler knelt down with his head bowed. He could not help but submit to this sapphire-coloured wonder. His loyalty to the German army was forgotten in an instant. God must have been proud to have been responsible for this masterpiece on his own Earth. “I give myself to you, Sonic! I will answer only to you from now on - I dedicate myself to you and the German Workers Party! Be mein Führer forever!”
“Heh, dude, that’s way past cool!” Sonic smiled. “You’re in! Now that we’re getting more members, soon we can kill all those stinkin’ fuck-tard subhuman Jews!” This idea was foriegn to ol’ Hitsy - he had always been very accepting and thought that all people were equal. Surely a small matter of religion made not much difference to quality of character or question of humanity? But Sonic said it, and Sonic could only be right - what would Hitler know in comparison to this perfect being? “Excellent idea, my lord” - Hitler murmured with a smile. Joining the Deutsche Arbeiterparti was the best idea since sliced children.
1920
The Deutsche Arbeiterparti had been renamed the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei – NSDAP (National Socialist German Workers' Party, commonly known as the Nazi Party). Hitler had settled down, and quickly was beloved by many of the members thanks to his supreme orating and persuasive skills. However, much to Hitler’s sadness, he saw little of the parties’ leader - he had only seen his beloved Blue Blur only a few times. Sonic was always too busy or two important to show up to the meetings Adolf frequented.
However, Hitler stayed loyal and dedicated to his cause - he had a driving motivation. With his hard work and talents, he rose up the ranks - each position higher was closer to spending more time with Big Blue.
One day, returning home from a day of hard work Hitler unlocked the door of apartment 420 and stepped inside his home with a yawn. He switched on the lights and - gasped in surprise. There, sprawled on his couch reading a lewd manga, was his God and master, Sonic the Hengehang! “Oh Sonic!” Hitler cried. “What are you doing in my swamp apartment!?” Sonic rose to his feet and strolled over to place a hand on Hitler's shoulder. "Hey" Sonic said, looking Adolf dead in the eyes. Hitler trembled and wet himself with excitement. Sonic-senpai had finally noticed him! Sonic spoke thus:
“Heh, whats up dude! I’m promoting you to chief of propaganda, so from now on you’ll be working with me. Better be careful though, because if you’re too slow at getting your work done I’ll fucking kill you! Gotta go fast!” Sonic spin-jumped out the window into the cold night. Since Hitler’s apartment was 16 stories up Sonic slammed into the ground and would’ve died, but thankfully he had an assortment of rings and survived with only 12th degree brain damage. Hitler had tears in his eyes. “Head of propaganda of the Nazi party… O frabjous day!” he chortled. “Now I can spend more time with mein darling Sonic!”
1921
The Nazi party was a sucess. Hitler was largely responsible for this, being the parties leading public figure - talking to the masses about the wisdom he had learnt - wisdom from papa Sonic. He spoke about how wonderful and pure Sonic is, how hedgehogs are the master race. He told tales of the villainous Jews - how they are the reason Germany lost the Great War, how they are the reason behind the Great Depression and everyone’s financial problems, and - worst of all - how they stole the 7 Chaos pebbles! The people loved Hitler, and he advanced the Nazis by leagues.He even designed a logo for the party - a sweet little red and white design with a swastika in the centre. He was very proud of it and was certain that it would still be beloved in the future by all peoples everywhere and would represent peace and love in all cultures.
Secretly, Hitler’s joy in life was his meetings with Sonic. Now that he was chief of propaganda, their meetings where much more frequent. One night Hitler returned to his home late after a hard days work locked in the bathroom getting off to anime tiddies, to find Sonic again waiting for him, squatting on the microwave oven.
“Sonic! What an unexpected pleasure!” Hitler cried. Sonic swiveled his head around to look at Hitler in the eyes. “Hey dude, I just wanted to tell you good job. If you come on and step up the good work I might even eat your firstborn! That’d be a real pleasure!” Sonic once more exited out the window, this time without any rings so he snapped his fucking neck. “NOOO!” Hitler cried. “Who’s gonna eat my firstborn now!”
Sonic very nearly died, and had to be moved into hospital. He was paralysed and would now never go fast again. Hitler, full of guilt for having too high up a window, attempted to hand in his letter of resignation. Upon his attempt, he was summoned to visit Sonic in hospital.
Sonic was lying, battered and covered in bandages and plaster, upon a hospital bed. He managed to speak in a whisper. “A-adolf… come here, little boy…” Hitler did so. “Please Adolf, I cannot run the Nazi party alone in this state. Please, will you be the Führer for me?” Hitler choked. “Me?! The Führer? How would I - but you - ...why me?” Sonic turned his weary head to the side. “Hitler… do you know why I promoted you do much?” “Nein.” “Because I wanted to be closer to you. I love you, Hitler! I love you so much! I would give you everything! My house, my anal beads, my gamer girl bath water, my love! Please, be mein! Be mein Führer, Adolf! I want you!”
Hitler started to cry. “Oh, Sonic, I love you too, my big blue boi! Be mein Führer too, Sonic!” They embraced, and kissed. Hitler dove his tongue into Sonic’s mouth, and Sonic started licking Hitler’s tiny moustache. Sonic tore off Hitler’s clothes, and dove his 18-inch upright meatstick into Hitler’s nipple. Hitler moaned in delight and fulfillment, as Sonic’s juices spilled out and covered Hitler in a sticky sauce. Sonic cried, “Oh Hitler, you are so cute! I could just eat you up!” And that he did, voreing Hitler until six days later when he shat him out.
1940
Hitler became the Führer of the Nazi party just after Sonic requested. The Nazi party had established control of Germany, and along with the rest of the Axis forces where now fighting a war against the Allied forces. Sonic and Hitler were married and had started a little family together, with five kids: Garfield, Shrek, Squidward, Sans and Ness, but as it turned out they only had four since Sans and Ness were actually the same person. In an attempt to cover up the true events, it was publicly claimed that Hitler's wife was some bitch named "Eva Braun".
Hitler was at his desk when Aflred Jodl from the German High Command entered with some papers. Jodl saluted. “Mein Führer, we wish for you to approve this. We want permission to carry out Operation Otto!” Hitler scoffed. “It is a ridiculous proposal! It is a stupid idea to attack Russia at this point in the war! It could mean all the difference between victory and defeat… while there are gains and while we need to take care of the Soviets at some point, this is not the time! Especially at the proposed attack date! Attacking Russia in the winter, what a preposterous idea!” Jodl saluted and exited. Hitler waited for Jodl to be out of earshot. “Sonic, my darling, where are you sweetie?” He called out. Sonic entered wearing the finest lingerie. “Here I am, Adolf my sugar bunny,” he climbed onto the desk. Hitler hopped up like a little munchkin and started violently fucking Sonic in the ass.
“Wait, Adolf”, Sonic said. Hitler looked up from Sonics pulsating nipple and at his face. “What is it, darling?” “Adolf, I feel like there’s something wrong… can you tell me what it is? Is there anything that’s stopping you from loving me?” “Nein,” Hitler replied. Sonic gasped and a tear escaped his eye. “Nine things? Oh horror… I had no idea that it was that bad… I will love you forever, my honey-munchkin but if you don’t love me I must leave you." Sonic jumped onto the windowsill and looked back with tears in his eyes. “Goodbye, mein Führer.” “Wait, Sonic!” Hitler jumped up. “I still love you! There is nothing wrong!” But it was too late, Sonic had spin-dashed out into the night.
Hitler sat down, banged the table and screamed. Then he sat in silence. Finally he called out - “JODL!” Alfred Jodl entered. “Führer?” “Bring me those papers.” “Ja, mein Führer.” Hitler signed them. “Tell Keitel, Himmler and Goebbels we are attacking Russia bang on in the middle of winter. I want to fucking die, Jodl.” “Ja, mein Führer.” “Dankeschön.”
1945
It had been almost five painful years since Hitler had seen Sonic last. Life was now meaningless, and without that light in his existence Hitler had been careless with his armies and had led Germany and the Axis forces to failure. They had not yet surrendered, but they surely would soon. He had ordered all he and Sonic’s kids to be shot since they all refused to eat their greens or go to bed on time. All he was doing now was waiting for his Führerbunker to be seized and for death to come to him. Finally he decided: “Fuck it, I’m done waiting.” and shot himself in the head.
Hitler’s soul drifted up to the pearly gates, where he waited in line for his turn. Finally, he was next to speak to Saint Peter, who consulted his book. “Hitler, Adolf… lets see… Ah! You’re a real good chap! You single handedly killed a murderous fascist dictator who was responsible for the death of 6 million innocent Jews, plus many others! For you, you go to extra-heaven for being real good!” St. Peter smiled and patted Hitler on the shoulder, as Hitler’s soul drifted up to extra-heaven where he was mugged by Jesus.
THE END