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Dear Taehyung,
Hi! It’s… been awhile, hasn’t it? I hope you’re doing well, whatever you’re doing.
I can’t believe it’s been five years, already. It’s… been so long, since we’ve talked.
Have you talked to Jimin? Hah, I still remember all our little adventures. Remember that one time when we went hiking with all our families, then snuck off to go explore the woods? It was really scary, getting lost and not really knowing how to get back. Or… even the times when we pretended to be superheroes on the swings. It was nice, having each other. I always felt safe with you… you know? You were my best friend. But I guess I shouldn’t say that now, hm? Not when I’ve lost the right.
We were really happy then, weren’t we? It’s funny, really. At the time, we had so many little arguments. Too bad swingsets always come in pairs, huh? We were always three, nobody wanted to be alone. It never really mattered, though, even if you said things during those little arguments. Because I never thought that you meant it. And it was okay, because all friends have arguments. Sometimes even fistfights. But it was okay, we were all okay. And I really, really loved being friends with you for those eight years.
But… you left. I know it wasn’t your fault, but you left. And that’s really when things fell apart, wasn’t it? I mean… I thought that we were going to be best friends forever, back then. Or something cheesy like that. Because we were young, we were kids , and we were naive. Between you and me? I always thought that we were the closest. So I guess I thought that bond was indestructible. We used to read so many comics, dream of becoming superheroes. So… maybe I just wanted to be invincible, make it so that you and I could go against the world. Even if you moved, I thought that would all be the same.
Things change, don’t they? Maybe we weren’t mature enough, back then. We called each other every day, at first. I miss hearing your voice… it’s really pretty, you know? Whenever you sang, I was sure that some agent would pop out of a bush and scout you for an entertainment company. Even when you talked… it felt like everything was going to be okay when I heard your voice. I really leaned on you for comfort back then, you know? Always relied on you to be my shoulder to cry on, but… I guess I should’ve been that person for you, too. Maybe I was selfish, back then, too selfish to hear what you wanted and only wanted to think about what I wanted.
Anyways, the first day we went without calling was weird. I missed you a lot, that day. But we both had cell phones at the time, so it was fine, I just texted you. Maybe I should’ve initiated things more often, then you wouldn’t have thought I wasn’t good enough. Or… maybe that isn’t what you thought, at the time. It’s not like I have the power to know what you’re thinking, hm?
I’d clung to you and Jimin so much, back then. We were inseparable, practically the Three Musketeers of our school. Honestly, I was too clingy. I didn’t realize it at the time, I thought that this was just like what friends were supposed to be like. I didn’t think… that you hated it so much. Or maybe you didn’t, I dunno. That’s what they said, but I guess they’re not you. But after you left… there was a hole, you know? So Jimin and I tried to fill it with other people. Since it was high school, there were so many people. So many upperclassmen, though I didn’t think they’d ever bother talking to us. But somehow, we ended up meeting them . Seokjin, Yoongi, Hoseok, and Namjoon. Ah… sometimes I miss them, too. You still talk to them, don’t you? But… I haven’t spoken to them since that happened, you know?
Thinking back, they weren’t exactly the nicest bunch. At the time, I was practically enamored with them, as I was with you. And I think I clung to them too much, too. Did you ever… feel abandoned? I think, at some point, I talked to them more than you. I mean… you never even met them, did you? Just texted them? So for that, I’m sorry.
But… I guess you still talked to them, hm? Because you sided with them over me when that friendship died? Jimin did, too, so I don’t blame you. Either they were a really likeable bunch, or I was just… well, maybe you always hated me. It was a messy end, we fought a lot. A lot of things said still stuck to me, unlike whatever you said about me. They don’t matter though, not really.
I… really used to blame you, Tae. I cried a lot, you know? The last time we called each other, we were just talking about life, school, how things were going. But I never really knew that it was going to be the last time. Because… when you sent that text, I couldn’t talk to you anymore. How could I? You said that I changed, but how could I have changed? You were the one that went away, even though you couldn’t help it. But how could I have changed when I stayed stagnant, a stable rock amidst the raging currents of an angry river? It just didn’t make sense, and I was angry. I was angry and I was hurt, because you said that you hated the person that I had become. But I didn’t think that I was any different, so it felt like you hated me all along. At least, that’s how I interpreted it at the time.
So I didn’t reply. And… I guess you’ve never heard from me since then, huh? Or… I guess they must’ve told you.
I’m sorry, Tae. If I could do things over again, I would. I would have made things right with you at the time because you were just mad, right? And maybe… we still could’ve been friends. Best friends, even.
I don’t think I’ll ever send you this letter. It’s too embarrassing, knowing that I should’ve done more but didn’t. And… I’m not sure if I want to talk to you again. I miss you so, so much. But I think it’s better that we stay apart now. I know that I made mistakes. I made more mistakes than I could count. But, at the time, I was really hurting. You hurt me a lot, just as I’m sure I must’ve hurt you a lot. So I’m sorry, Tae. I wish that things had ended differently, and that we were still friends now. But… regret won’t change anything, will it? So now, I just… all I can say is that I hope you have a good life, and that you’ll smile a lot in the future. It’s really nice when you smile.
Thank you for everything, and I’m sorry.
With love and care,
Jeon Jungkook