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Chapter Text

Severus leaned back against the wall and listened as his 8th-year class qued on the other side. They were surprisingly 10 minutes early though as loud as they had ever been. The end of the war probably was the reason behind that, Severus mused. Before the war, he would have had to have been hyper-vigilant to stop the fights that would inevitably break out between the Slytherins and the Gryffindors. However, now he couldn’t bring himself to care about their petty little squabbles. It was just all so inconsequential now. His apathy was something Minevera and Poppy were concerned about and would often try to cajole him to have a little fun. He would wave their concern away blithely and continue on his business.

There was nothing enjoyable about his life and nothing to live for if he was honest with himself. And Severus was always honest with himself. It was enjoyable not to be beholden to two megalomaniacs and to not have to play nice with the other death eaters but he had found that since he had died and been revived, he cared little...for anything. He sighed and listened to Draco spit another foul sentence at Potter.

Jesus fucking christ in a teacup. Grow the fuck up you two.

Severus stood up as that mental voice bellowed in his brain. He knew who it belonged to, however, the shock of hearing Hermione Granger swearing like a sailor was something he would have never expected in a million years. After the venom from Nagini had destroyed his walls it had taken him months to rebuild them. He found himself having to be extra vigilant around strong-minded individuals as they tended to shout their innermost thoughts. Most of it was inane dribble that he could care less for and he could usually drown it out once he was aware of who it belonged to.

Severus turned and moved around the door and opened it a smidge. No one noticed him as Potter pushed Malfoy and got into his face. Granger was staring at them from a few steps away.

Noooow kisss

Severus bit his lip to stop it from curling upwards. No. There was no way he was enjoying Granger's internal monologue. No way in the world.

“What are you going to do Potter?” Draco had snarled pushing boy wonder back.

Bloody hell there's some serious unresolved sexual tension right here.

Severus silently agreed and Granger stepped closer into his eye-line. Her arms were crossed with annoyance as she glared at the two teenagers. Potter raised an eyebrow.

“Malfoy remind me who killed Voldemort?”

Draco effected a high-pitched voice and placed his hand on his chest. “Oh, look at me. I'm Harry Potter. I do all my own stunts.”

Potter pushed him again before he stepped back and let out a sigh of frustration. “Forget it. You're not worth it.”

Noooo. At least lick his face.

Severus did not enjoy the imagery that had given him and so he stood up properly and opened the door. The students looked up at him with varying expressions of being caught out but when he didn’t say anything they relaxed. He pointed silently to the classroom and was relieved to find them all scuttling to their seats without a sound. His behavior of late must have put them on edge.

The lesson started and he set a relatively easy potion for them to complete. Thankful for the quiet Severus had quite forgotten he had a Longbottom in his class. Not ten minutes had passed when shit hit the fan.

Well, there's a level of incompetence I haven't seen before.

Severus' head snapped up and his eyes narrowed at Granger and then at Longbottom who was furiously stirring his potion. Granger caught his stare.

Well, this is going to be one giant shitasptrophy.

Shitastrophy? That wasn’t even a word. Where did she even come up with it?

Severus stood up and Neville let out a sigh of frustration. The boy had grown up last year and no longer feared him as he did but now he obviously knew when he had fucked up and was going to cop it. Granger blanched and shot a look at Longbottom.

Uh-oh. Here comes the fuckening.

Fuckening? Where the devil did she get this shit? Severus pursed his lips trying desperately to keep a straight face as he stormed over to their desk.

“Longbottom?”

“Uhhh...it just...” the boy shrugged and pointed to the congealing mess.

“Nice one Longbottom,” Theo called out cackling with the other Slytherins. Granger leveled at glare at the lanky Slytherin.

Shut up you douche canoe.

Merlin, she was clever. His scowl furrowed deeper as he sent his snakes a look that had them flinching and looking away. He was struggling. His shields could do only so much. Her internal monologue was hilarious. Had she always been this funny? Did her compatriots know she had such a foul-mouthed mind?

“What do the instructions say, Mister Longbottom?”

“Um...”

Panic Neville. Just throw the cauldron at him and run. He'll never expect it.

Severus darted a look at her and was surprised to find her expression hadn't changed at all. Impressive. That takes some work and he should know. He had thought Gryffindors shared their emotions all over their faces for the world to see but now he was beginning to think there may be exceptions to the rule. Or perhaps the sorting hat had gotten it wrong. Hadn't Granger lead Umbridge out to the centaurs? She also made that potion in second-year...obviously she has some inner Slytherin traits. 

“Today Longbottom.” Severus huffed out a sigh. Longbottom started scanning his bok and out the corner of his eye saw Granger deflate a little.

Or... don’t and keep my day boring.

"A sprinkle of oyster flour?" Longbottom looked up for clarification. Severus merely folded his arms and glared down until he got the point.

A sprinkle of arse butter.

"1 cup of dandelion juice."

1 cup of a giant clusterfuck

"½ cup of crushed batwing."

1/2 a cup of crushed ballsack

"3 spoonfuls of billywig slime."

3 Spoonfuls of who-gives-a-fuck

"4 sopophorous beans, sliced."

Severus fought to keep his eyes on Longbottom. It was tempting to keep shooting looks at her as she rambled on so poetically. He straightened as he realized he no longer felt as apathetic as he did before. How the devil had the little witch piqued his interest in her in a matter of 30 minutes?

"And what does that create?" he asked quite pleased with how his voice was even though inside he felt like he was dying. Literally dying. Could he seriously keep his face neutral for much longer? He was beginning to doubt his abilities.

Da fuck anyone here knows.

Longbottom looked down at the book again and Severus closed his eyes in despair. Did the boy really not know what he was brewing?

"A silencing potion?”

Severus sighed. “Miss Granger?”

“Yes, sir?”

You called, my cheeky dick waffle?

He couldn’t move. She called him a dick waffle. How was he supposed to move forward after being called a dick waffle? Not only that she had called him HER cheeky dick waffle. What did that even mean? She quirked an eyebrow at him waiting for him to ask her something. But he couldn't. If he did he would be forced to allow the muscles in his cheeks to curve upwards and reward her with a smile. And then throw back his head and laugh his arse off. He didn't think she could handle that just yet. Or the rest of the class for that matter. He was sure he would be dealing with quite a few panic attacks.

Oh, I see. Well, I see your silent stare and raise you a giant fuck off.

He breathed deeply through his nose and turned to look around the classroom. Anything to get his mind off of his need to chortle. To snigger. To convulse with laughter. He tipped his head back and looked at the ceiling hoping he looked exasperated and not constipated. "Where did Mister Longbottom go wrong?"

Ok hear me out...it may have been when he decided to become the magical anus elf and fuck Blaise Zabini in the broom closet.

True story.

Severus bit his tongue. HARD. He felt the copper tang of blood well in his mouth. His eyebrow twitched. He had to introduce the girl properly to Lucius who would adore her profanity and rain praise down upon her like she was the next Merlin. He may even want to adopt her.

"He crushed the beans instead of slicing them and added them before the juice."

Now goest fuck thyself.

"Correct." He spun around and stalked to his desk, squeezing his hands into fists and biting the inside of his cheek. “Start again Longbottom.”

Oh, sweet release. That was beginning to feel like a hostage situation.

Severus sat down at his desk and pretended to be writing. He placed his hand on his forehead, grateful for his long hair which obscured his face and the twitch of his lips and he turned his body away from the class. He concentrated on taking deep breathes. All he wanted to do was laugh. Laugh at the fact that little Miss Granger was a closet cuss monger and that no one knew it. Laugh at Theo Nott being called a douche canoe. Laugh until he cried at the term magical anus elf. The rest of the class went smoothly with Granger helping Longbottom and Longbottom thankfully being extra careful. Severus stared unseeingly down at the parchment in front of him as he struggled to pull up some walls to keep his sanity in check.

As the class finished their potions and packed up Severus saw Draco motion at Parkinson. They moved closer to where Weasley, completely oblivious, was now waiting for Granger as she packed up. He seemed to be sweating for some reason and dancing on the balls of his feet. Severus rolled his eyes when Weasley wiped a sweaty hand on his robes. No doubt the buffoon was going to do something stupid.

“Hey, Hermione I was wondering if we could go out...you know on a date?"

And there it was. He surreptitiously glanced at Granger unsure of her response. They were friends true and for a while, there had been talk in the teacher's lounge of the two of them becoming a couple but quite frankly Severus never listened to hard in on those conversations. The insipid lives of his students were a complete bore to him. However, now that he thought of it he had hoped that Granger wouldn't bother with the red-headed twit. He was after all completely out of her league.

Yeah sure Ron I would love to frankenfuck your freckle-y butt.

Severus threw up a bit in his mouth.

"Uh, I'm not sure Ron," she said turning away from him. She made a face that showed her displeasure at even being asked. Weasley, however, being his usual obtuse self didn't realize how utterly uninterested the witch was and continued.

"Oh come on we can be good together."

Not likely you utter fuckwomble.

"Look Ron I don’t think we suit each other. You like quidditch, I like reading."

And I would love to keep the dumb fuckery to a minimum in my life, please.

Weasley was just about to open his mouth when surprisingly Draco spoke up stepping closer to the duo. Granger reared back in disgust while Weasley eyed him angrily.

"Didn’t you hear her Weasley. Even a mudblood isn't interested in what you have to offer."

The change in Granger was remarkable. She turned so quickly she whipped Weasley in the face with her hair and barrelled down on Draco like a bull. The Slytherin let out a squark of fear and cowered away from her. She grabbed him by the tie and pulled him close to her face.

“Listen hear you shitlicking, cunt tearing, buttslut. You call me that word again and I will deafen your ears with the number of derogatory words I have for you, you fucking inept twatiscle."

Weasley let out a bark of surprised laughter while Parkinson gaped stupidly at Granger who was shaking Draco roughly trying to get him to answer her. His godson shot a beseeching look toward his head of house and Severus thinned his lips in disappointment. The boy had always been a little shit and could never finish what he started. Just like his father.

"Miss Granger!"

Great now cuntzilla is going to ride my ass like a cock jockey for just speaking the truth.

"Here now. The rest of you may leave."

"Ooh look who is in trouble now?" Pansy hissed with a smirk and grabbed Draco's hand and pulled him away. Draco looked ruffled and stumbled after his girlfriend.

Say that to my face bitchtits. Go, take your peroxide arse badger and fuck right off.

Weasley shot a glare at the potion master who shot an equally unimpressed one back at him. He flinched and apologetically shrugged his shoulders at Granger and grabbed his bag before leaving the classroom without a backward glance.

Graner looked suitably cowed. Though her internal monologue was having a field day and Severus was struggling to keep up.

That little dick weasel wants to go out with me but can't even be bothered to wait. Knob. Like I'd date a piss wizard like him!

Oh and that little cunt badger Malfoy and fannyflaps Parkinson will rue the day... rue the day? Rue? Really need to update my vocab.

“Miss Granger," he snapped trying to ease the abuse she was heaping on his brain.

She winced and for once she was mentally quiet. So she can control it. Interesting. It wasn't just some mental word diarrhea. Well, now there was hope. Here was a witch who could match him intelligently and make him laugh. Not only that she obviously had some discipline within her mind and he could teach her not to blare her innermost thoughts out for the world to hear. Not that there were many legilimens in the world that were talented enough to hear her but one could never be too careful. There was nothing for it. He would have to do something that he hated doing.

"Thank you."

Her head snapped in surprise and confusion.

"Thank you for saving me."

Granger opened and closed her mouth several times, her cheeks pinking up. "I-"

He cut her off with a wave of his hand. "I know it was you and at first, I was angry at you and then...well then I couldn’t bring my self to care. "

She blinked at him. "And now sir?" she asked slowly.

"Well, now I'm glad I survived so I can ask you to explain to me what a dick waffle is?"

Hermione frowned and then gasped. Her face looked up at him as her horror grew. He smirked as he could see the implications of her actions cross over her face. Perhaps there was a little bit of Gryffindor in her after all.

"Fuck."

"Fuck indeed."

She let out a strangled chuckle and he looked at her perplexed. She shrugged her shoulders. He had already heard some of the worst language she could conjure up. In for a penny in for a pound as the sayings go.  “That was kind of sexy sir.”

He cocked his head. “Was it?"

She nodded. “Your voice? Cussing. Sexy.”

“I'll remember that for the future. For now-"

"Detention?" she interrupted her body slouching in disappointment.

"Indeed. You will come back tonight and write down every piece of profanity in your vocabulary."

She looked at him with surprise. "That’s quite a bit sir," she said slowly.

"Oh, believe me, I know. And you will apologize to Mr. Malfoy."

Hermione snarled. "What? But that thundercunt deserved it."

Thundercunt. It was like the gift that kept giving. He would have to remember that for Lucius later. It was the perfect description of his vain twat of a friend.

"Despite that, you cannot use derogatory language on your peers. No matter how much it is warranted."

Granger huffed and crossed her arms petulantly. She leaned back against the desk and crossed her ankles. "Fine. But I get to call the significunt a cunty mc cunt face in my head all I like."

Severus inclined his head. "Of course. Where else will I get the little enjoyment in my life."

She nodded. "You dipping into everyone's heads or just me?" she asked warily. Severus copied her position and shook his head.

"No. A side effect of Nagini's poison. My mental shields have taken a battering and you have powerful cerebral activity. It can be quietened though with the proper application."

"Oh, gods. You must think Ron is certifiably brain dead then?"

He chuckled. "A walking zombie."

Hermione stood up her hands falling to her sides as she rocked back on her heels. "Well I am suitably embarrassed and strangely pleased by theses turn of events."

"Pleased?"

"Well, you don't sound too pissed. And it's nice that someone at least gets to enjoy all the work I've put in at cultivating my vocabulary."

"Quite. Well, 7 pm tonight for your detention Granger. I'm surprisingly looking forward to it."

She shook her head and groaned as she grabbed her bag and swung it up on her shoulders. She looked up at him thoughtfully before smiling. "I have History of Magic next."

He frowned at her unsure of what she expected him to say to that inane bit of information. She giggled. "Where do you think I do my best thinking?"

His brows lifted and shooed her away his lips lifting into a smile. She grinned at him inordinately pleased with the lighthearted situation.

"Granger?"

She spun at the door.

"You didn't explain what a dick waffle was."

She smiled almost deviously. "No I didn't, did I."

Severus heard her laughing all the way down the hall. 

 A touch of Slytherin after all.

Chapter Text

Hermione squirmed in her seat and pulled at her graduation robes. It was honest to Circe too hot for this shit. Cooling charms were being cast left, right, and center subsequently canceling each other out because these fucktards didn’t seem to understand Merlins Fifth Law.

How the fuck they managed to put on their pants in the morning let alone graduate I’ll never know.

At present, the entire 8th year (which wasn’t very impressive, to be honest) and 7th year (which wasn’t that impressive either but for a whole different reason) were seated just outside the castle. Too close to the Whomping Willow for comfort and too far from the coolness of the Forbidden Forrest it seemed like whoever organized this shit show hated them all.

Sweat dripped down Hermione's neck as her eyes swiveled from the podium where all the faculty sat in varying degrees of uncomfortableness to where parents, family, and friends milled behind the seated students. They at least were outside the contradicting bubble of magic and were free to conjure shade and cast cooling charms to their contentment. Whether this was due to intelligence or just dumb luck Hermione didn't know but as she spied Mr. Weasley hold up an umbrella upside down above his head and then Harry conjure a pair of chopsticks to take care of a fly bothering him, Hermione decided on the latter. It didn’t help that Ron was currently picking his nose or Lucius Malfoy was hitting himself in the head with his cane.

Knock yourself out you snatchsquash. Do us all a favor.

Another violent movement caught her attention and she watched as the Whomping Willow have an aneurysm trying to belt the closest witch or wizard to kingdom cum. Hermione was hoping Cormac might forget how to engage his brain and walk in front of one of those flying boughs of glory and never be seen from again.

A girl can dream, can’t she?

Perhaps she could even orchestrate it somehow. For now, she watched as the Minister ran around on the stage with that little pecker Percy trying to get this stupid fucksicle going.

I swear I’m going to have to become Minister just to stop them from getting confused and knawing on their own gonads because they forgot how to eat.

Hermione ignored the rest of the ministry officials clamoring around Kingsley trying to suck up to him and focused on the podium the held the faculty. Poppy sat on the end talking softly with Rolanda and sharing what looked like contraband. Hermione supposed it was Firewhisky by the way Poppy giggled after she had a sip.

Jammy bitch.

Shooting not impressed looks next to them sat Irma her face pinched like always. Hermione began to expect that she was a closeted anal groupie by her ‘I’ve got something stuck up my arse and I’m extremely uncomfortable’ look she constantly wore. That and the odd jerky movements she made when she sat down. Power to her if that was the case. Hermione wasn’t a kink shamer.

Aurora was chewing what looked like a particularly difficult bit of gum and staring up at the sky with a bored expression on her face while Horace made little animals out of conjured clouds and made them fight each other to the death all the while giggling maniacally.

Pomona sat next to Filius both of whom seemed completely annoyed with the other staff members who were not even trying to take the whole situation seriously. Last but not least was Minerva and Severus who seemed to be having quite an interesting debate by the looks of things. Minerva's face twisted in bemused anger as she almost spat words and Severus who grinned evilly his lip curling viciously as he replied to her.

Now that looks interesting.

Alas, the faculty podium was too far away from where she was sat and so was completely removed from even the possibility of eavesdropping.

Life isn't fair.

Just then Percy who had nodding furiously to whatever Kingsley was telling him (and by the looks of things trying not to cry) ran across the stage his wand spinning almost impressively. Severus gave the undersecretary a grim sneer before turning his attention back to Minerva.

“Oh go lick a toad.”

Hermione stilled as she heard Severus' voice wash over her. There was no way she could have properly heard that. The heat was obviously getting to her and making her imagination go wild. However, she could also feel the entire student body still in shock horror. A quick glance around showed that the students had heard what Hermione had heard though the family members further back seemed unaffected.

“Oh please, Severus that was weak especially coming from you. Do better you little wank goblin.”

Hermione choked on her tongue. Minerva. Minerva had said that and by the looks of things every single student had heard the same thing. Pansy Parkinson was giggling into her hand. Ginny was looking on with respect. Cormac looked a little green.

Yeah, that little fuckstain has definitely had erotic dreams about our headmistress.

“Whose idea was it to have this feckin thing in 40-degree heat?”

Filius. That was Filius' voice but his mouth barely moved.

“Albus the twat.”

Oh, Pomona you lovely sweet lady.

Obviously they were trying to stay as respectable as possible and Hermione could understand with so many important people in attendance but with an inept bumpkin like Percy running the show, that wasn't likely to continue. Hermione's brain finally chugged into use and realized what had actually happened. Weasley, in all his need to be seen as busy and important, had clearly fumbled a relatively simple speaker charm. Speaker charms were meant to be performed standing still but Percy had rushed across the stage his wand doing the correct movements but for the rise and fall of his hand. He has essentially created a bubble and those within the bubble could hear those on stage clearly while those outside the bubble did not. 

It seemed that most of the students had come to the same kind of conclusion as she had and with a shared look all of them seemed to come to an agreement. Hermione sat further in her seat crossed her arms and grinned up at the stage.

This. Was. Going. To. Be. EPIC!

Filius shifted angrily in his seat. “Even from the grave, he's manipulating shit, the epic cock diddy.”

“That Cormac boy, he propositioned me you know?” Collectively all their heads turned to the two witches at the end of the podium before everyone spun and nailed Cormac with shocked and disgusted looks. He opened his mouth to deny it but then shrank in his seat his face red.

“He didn’t.” Poppy gasped clearly scandalized.

Rolanda gave a rather slow blink as she nodded and begun to list to the side. “Wanted a position on the quidditch team. Turned the little shit down.”

Poppy managed to right her pushing her carefully as she straightened up. “Oh, of course, of course. May I ask...why?”

Oooh, Poppy you cheeky witch you.

“I'm into badgers Pop.”

Poppy looked entirely confused before her face cleared in realization. “Oh and he's a Gryffindor.”

Rolanda looked at her perplexed and then let out a small hiccup. “No pop, he’s got a dick. I prefer the badgers.”

Poppy then giggle (giggled). “Oh, Roe I think you mean beavers.”

Rolanda waved her hand dismissively almost smacking Irma in the face who flinched violently. “Badgers, beavers, panty hamsters who cares?”

Beside her, a Slytherin who Hermione thought was named Gertrud squeaked and whispered “Panty Hamister-” like it was her new prayer. Hermione grinned at her and she grinned right back. In front of her, she could see Thomas Dromody a 7th-year Slytherin silently laughing so hard he was leaning on Samantha Ent, a 7th-year Gryff who was patting his back and chuckling herself. She looked behind her to see Malfoy pass a handkerchief to Hufflepuff girl who was laughing so hard she was crying. Who knew this would bring the animosity of the houses to an end.

Halle-fucking-lujah.

The next few minutes were heaven on earth as the student body's collective gaze went back and forth between the teachers as they continued to talk unabashed and unaware. It almost looked like the crowd at a tennis match but was dotted with those snuffling with laughter or crying with joy as this gift seemed to just keep giving.

"I swear to Merlin if Kingsley doesn’t start this thing soon I'll pile drive him into the ground." - Minerva

"Did you see that twat from the ministry? He looks like an anal fistula waiting to happen." - Severus

"I've got better things to do with my time, like setting fire to my vulva." - Rolanda

"Next time I see that bitch I swear I'm going to flush her." - Poppy

"Kingsley looks like a crossbreed of a melted willy and an unhinged tit, the poor sod." - Filius

"Tongue my fart box, you old hag." - Severus

"Bite me, you salty little scrote." - Minerva

Everyone was frantic. They were struggling to stay composed enough to ensure that nobody caught onto it before they were given this little pot of glorious gold. Many students no longer concerned with the heat were now hiding their faces trying to keep their laughter to a minimum, others were biting their lips, thumbs, or fist and a few were shaking almost uncontrollably with some rocking or bouncing on their seats trying to keep the utter look of enjoyment from showing on their faces and essentially ruining it.

“Hermione, Hermione please...do something. We- we're losing it.”

Hermione spun and could see everyone looking at her in various stages of supposed organ failure.

Jesus fucking shit these adults hey?

Hermione thought for a moment before standing slowly and with a swirl of her wand, she cast a profanity charm.

“What do you mean you beep you beep beep beep?”

“Oh beep off you beep beep beep beep.”

That had not helped at all. If anything it had made things worse and everyone was now in hysterics. Next to her Gertrud was sliding off her chair and Malfoy was already on the ground tears flowing down his face holding his stomach. Ginny was on her knees her head smashing against the seat of her chair and Pansy looked like she had just swallowed her tongue.

The families behind them were now becoming suspicious, frowning, and waving concerned hands in their direction. The faculty were still unaware of beeping away and making everything just worse. Or better. It was hard to tell at this point because quite a few students were now in physical pain.

With a sigh, Hermione canceled the profanity charm.

"Beep beep goatish onion eyed nut hook."

Hermione blinked at Severus.

Beep be-dismal unmuzzled toad spotted mouth.

Jesus that was way left field, Minerva.

"Spongey hedge-born pignut of a witch."

Dafuq?!

"Seriously Severus you better shut the fuck up, you bat fowling horn beast."

“Hornbeast!” Hermione screeched her iron will breaking and she dissolved into laughter. Minerva just called Severus a horn beast.

Hornbeast? Fan-fucking-tastic.

Sadly however her outburst had been heard by the entire faculty who were now taking in the students before them. Minerva turned bright red as she realized the implications of having the class of 99 in hysterics before her. Poppy gasped and clapped her hand over her mouth while Rolanda blinked slowly and began to list to the side again.

“What the devil?’ Severus snarled pulling his wand and waving a diagnostic. His face dropped before he hissed and showed Minerva.

“Fucking Weasley somehow canceled our privacy charm and enacted a speaker charm.”

Minerva looked over at the ministry officials still fucking around and pursed her lips angrily. “Oh, now I’m really going to pile drive both Kingsley and Percy.”

“After I get through with him first, the little cunt cake," Severus muttered his face showing what could only be called his murder face.

Cunt cake. That was one of mine!

Hermione puffed out her chest a little bit feeling a bit of pride at teaching Severus that little gem.

Filius stood up. “You are still under the speaker charm,” he snarled indicating to the crowd of students trying their level best to control themselves and obviously failing.

“Who fucking cares Filius. By the looks of it they’ve heard enough,” Severus snarled back. “They're adults now anyway.”

“It looks like it was just the students though,” Pomona spoke up having taken in the scene quickly before turning to the students. “That's good, easily fixed. Right wands out.”

Everyone looked at each other in confusion before slowly taking out their wands. By now the worst of it had seemed to wear off with a few still chuckling or hiccuping. Ginny had a red mark on her head from banging her head repeatedly and Draco had grass all over him. Hermione knew what was going to happen and as senior Head Girl stepped forward.

“Before we submit to a wand oath Professor, we should be allowed to know what we are agreeing too.”

“Oh, of course, you would step in,” Severus snapped at her. Hermione just smiled at him before turning her attention back to Pomona and Minerva. Pomona gave a look to the Headmistress who sighed loudly.

“Very well. An agreement that anything heard before the ceremony from the faculty is to stay within the constituents of the upperclassmen present here today. Will that suffice?”

Hermione mulled it over. “And what is the punishment of breaking the wand oath?”

Severus stepped forward his smile a little too lethal. “You will speak in nothing but the curse words learned here today until a member of this faculty cancels it.”

Hermione looked back at her classmate and shrugged. Some nodded, others shrugged, a few looked queasy. “Very well.”

The wand oath had been completed just in time for Neville's grandmother to stalk over to Kingsley and berate him angrily for taking to long. The students were seated and looked relatively in control of their faculties with the exception of the odd giggle or wiping tears from their faces. Kingsley and most of the ministry officials had been none the wiser while the friends and family were concerned but not too worried by the looks of things.

Harry and Ron had been mouthing to her, pointing and shrugging their shoulders trying to figure out what had just happened but Hermione just smiled serenely. Those two little shits just missed the greatest thing ever and it was their fault for dropping out halfway through the year to take up Kingsleys offer. And with the wand oath, they would never know now and it would forever annoy the shit out of them.

Karma is a bitch, boys.

The rest of the ceremony passed without too much furor. Percy was now on the receiving end of some pretty impressive glares that made him squirm with confusion and fear. Students were now passing galleons to each other wagering on what and when his punishment would be enacted.

They received their certificates, had posed for photos, and cheered when the headmistress announced that it was time for a feast. Family and friends hugged and congratulated them on their achievements and they all turned toward the castle.

Hermione hung back as Harry took Ginny's hand and Ron had already disappeared into the castle, the promise of a feast too much for him to be patient. The Whomping Willow was stretching out her boughs and trying her best to deliver what looked like some impressive left hooks to those who passed her.

“I see you enjoyed the ceremony?”

Hermione smiled as Severus sidled up next to her. There was now a bottleneck at the entrance as too many people tried to file into Hogwarts at once. It was one of the reasons Hermione had not moved from where she had been talking to the Weasleys moments before.

“I think the entire student body enjoyed it. Thanks entirely in part to you.” She grinned up at him, her eyes sparkling with mirth.

Severus actually smiled back at her causing her to frown. And then he let out a chuckle which startled her. “What?”

“Oh Miss Granger, it was actually thanks to you.”

“Me?”

“Who do you think I shared your impressive list of words with once your detention had been completed?”

The color drained from Hermione's face as she turned fully to stare up at the wizard. “You didn’t?”

“I did.”

Hermione took a deep breath and muttered, “You utter fucking cock womble.”

Severus bowed his head and gestured for her to move forward now the crowd had finally shoved their way into the entrance hall. “You never did tell me what that was?”

Hermione sniffed and lifted her chin. “And now I never shall.”

“Oh I don’t know, I can be very persistent,” he murmured and Hermione felt the light touch of his hand on her lower back guiding her inside.

She tossed her hair and smirked up at him. “And I can be very stubborn.”

“It seems we are well matched.”

Hermione smiled. Well-matched indeed.

Chapter Text

The burrow was crowded.

As usual.

Ginny was fighting with Ron about who should get the bathroom first thing in the morning.

As usual.

Harry was ignoring said fight by staring at his girlfriend’s tits while she bounced angrily next to him.

As usual.

And Hermione...well Hermione was mentally cataloguing the amount of swear words she had in her vocabulary.

As usual.

(Answer? Unknown as she was always extending it.)

Molly bustled in, given Harry an impressive stink eye about where his own gaze was fixated on before yelling at Ron to find his brothers and wash up for dinner. Ron grumbled as he pushed off from his place on the couch, flipped Ginny off when Molly turned her back and subsequently tripped over Ginny’s conveniently placed foot. He went down hard causing Molly to shriek and Ginny to loudly gasp in surprise and gush over how clumsy her big brother was while helping him up.

Ron snatched his arm from Ginny’s grasp snarling wordlessly at her while she batted her eyes innocently.

“Best find the boys Ron,” Ginny said lightly before flicking her hair off her shoulder and running up the stairs. Ron glared at her before turning to Hermione and Harry. The latter now staring at Ginny’s ascending arse.

“You’re both so lucky to not have siblings.”

Harry’s head seemed to move but his eyes did not until the object of his gaze was out of sight and then he seemed to register the world around him again. “Oi I grew up with a cousin. I know what it’s like...sort of.”

Ron nodded. “Yeah, forgot about that mate. But Herms you’ve got it so good.”

Hermione silently agreed. While she did love the Weasleys, more often than not they were just too much. Ginny and Ron were always fighting, Percy was always going on about how amazing he was, and George was still into pranking anyone and everyone.

No, life as a single child was the shit.

Life was actually turning out even better then she had imagined it. After they had finished up with Hogwarts (and she still couldn’t stop a cheeky giggle at the thought of their graduation ceremony) she had been offered a job at the ministry. However, after a mind-numbing probation period she had decided that perhaps the ministry hadn’t been for her. No one appreciated her hard work or her well timed cuss bombs. In fact, Kingsley had implied, after Patricia Snorkstache complained about Hermione calling Percy a spleeny shard born scut, that perhaps the ministry wasn’t the right place for her. He did however agree on her assessment of his undersecretary and suggested that perhaps Hogwarts was a better fit.

Hermione had sat there in shock. Here she was the brightest witch of her age, and she hadn’t even realized that her people, her village of like-minded cuss mongers had been in front of her the entire time. The graduation ceremony should have proven that hadn’t it?

So, after a week off she had finally received an interview to apprentice under Filius for the next Friday and she couldn’t have been happier. After all, hadn’t Filius called Kingsley a crossbred melted willy and an unhinged tit? It was going to be a very educational apprenticeship if she managed to get it.

Not to mention Severus. Ah Severus. What an odd relationship they fostered. He had been very clear he wasn’t looking for an emotional entanglement which Hermione countered with at least an intimate one because damn it, she wanted to bone the potion master hard and wasn’t going to pussy foot through weeks of stupid emotional angst to just get what she wanted anyway.

No, Hermione Granger was direct and to the point which Severus appreciated immensely and thankfully he had agreed, and they spent the entire bloody weekend discovering all sorts of dirty little kinks in each other's sexual closest.

However, Hermione had started to believe that Severus really did want an emotional entanglement along with the physical one based on his behavior. He cuddled. A lot. Which didn’t really mean anything except that perhaps he was touch starved but there were other things.

Him making space for her things in his closet. Him telling her should she wish; she could redecorate and add pieces of furniture. Him calling his quarters theirs.

And the last and most telling action: last week he had been called away to an emergency meeting of the faculty leaving Hermione alone in his office. She had wondered over to his desk, idly flipping through the papers stacked when she came across a parchment of scribbles. Multiple scribbles of words that stupidly set her heart racing.

Severus Snape
Loves
Hermione Granger
SS x HG

And the last one doodled all over the page in between the love hearts and tiny little science beakers was:

Hermione Snape. Hermione Granger Snape. Hermione G. Snape. Mrs. Hermione Snape, Madam Snape.

Severus Snape was a closet romantic, borderline teenage girl, and totally in love with Hermione. She had giggled madly, sat down, and tried to look normal when he returned. She failed. Luckily, she knew exactly how to cover up her failure when he questioned her by asking him if he remembered the anal fistula from the ministry. To which lead to a spectacular evening of making fun of all the ministry workers they knew and given them A grade nicknames.

Hermione shook her head of that night and made her way into the kitchen where Molly was just finished setting the table. Ron had retrieved George and Percy and just as Harry sat down in his usual seat, Ginny raced in flushed and happy taking a seat across from Harry who suddenly zeroed in on her heaving breasts.

“HARRY?”

Harry fumbled the mashed potato bowl as he looked up at Molly.

“Yes?” He asked confused at why she raised her voice at him. Molly glared at him and then gave a very pointed look which obviously went right over his head. He glanced at Hermione and then at Ron who was reaching for the beans.

The boy is as dumb chalk and as horny as an erumpent during mating season.

“Oh right, sorry,” he muttered as he grabbed the bowl of beans from Ron who let out a protest. Molly stared at him as she slowly took the beans and placed it down in front of her. Harry beamed up at her before shoveling the mash into his mouth, his gaze returning to his girlfriend. Molly harrumphed looking equally annoyed at the boy who lived and exasperated at her daughters’ obvious attempts to entice him further.

Hermione chuckled as quietly as possible and stabbed at one of her carrots. Harry and Ginny had obviously done the horizontal slide and now that was all that was on Harry’s mind. It was a good thing the kid stayed a virgin while fighting Voldy or nothing would have been done.

“Kids dick game is weak,” George whispered in Hermione’s ear as Harry missed his mouth and Ginny preened.

“He’s got it bad. It’s almost creep like,” Hermione managed while Molly placed a vase in Harry’s line of sight trying desperately to break up the impressive amount of eye fucking that was happening between the two.

Hermione giggled. “Are you not worried for your little sister?”

“That storm of hormones? Ginny will ruin him.” George said with a shake of his head.

“Urgh why are you both like this? I don’t need this in my brain,” Ron said as he reached over and grabbed a bread roll.

“They’re fucking Ron, get over it.”

“Never. It’s disgusting.”

“I swear to Merlin, you are emotionally constipated.”

“Make up your mind Hermione, I’m either emotionally constipated, or I have the emotional range of a spoon.”

Hermione rolled her eyes. “Ron you’ve somehow managed to ram that teaspoon right up your arse and it’s stuck there. See you’re both.”

Before Ron could manage a reply a Patronus in the shape of a raven flew into through the open window and landed on Hermione’s plate. She reared back when the raven opened its mouth. “Hermione. Watch out! Lucius is on his way!”

Chaos reigned as the entire table erupted, Ron and Harry both jumped up, palming their wands aggressively and eyeing the room as if Malfoy would just appear out of thin air (the idiots always did forget the anti-apparition wards). Ginny who had been leaning back on her chair subsequently lost balance and fell back with a shriek causing Molly to gasp and scramble over to help her daughter up. Percy stood up and marched out of the room going fuck knows where and George in all the chaotic glory picked up the bowl of mash and hurled it at the wall grinning maniacally.

“I fucking hate mash,” he explained to Hermione who was looking at him like he lost his brain.

“Lucius Malfoy is coming here?” Ginny yelled once righted properly.

“What the fuck?”

“Language Ronald!” Molly admonished patting Ginny down trying to ensure she was okay. Ginny battered at her mother’s hands.

“Why the fuck is Malfoy coming here though?”

“Language Ginny!” Molly snapped stepping away from her.

“Was that fucking Snape?” Screeched George.

“GEORGE!!! LANGAUAGE!!!”

“ESE MALDITO SNAPE ERA?” George screamed back at her before cackling madly. Molly frustrated and annoyed pulled out her wand and pointed it at her brood menacingly.

“I’ll hex you all if you don’t shut up.”

Hermione’s eye widened at the threat but was stopped from doing anything further by a rap at the door. As one, all of them turned to see Lucius Malfoy let himself into the Burrow. He quickly looked around sneering at the home and its occupants before his eyes settled on Hermione. She reared back in horror at the utter awe that crossed his features.

“Hermione Granger, I wish to marry you.”

“What the actual fuck?”

“Language Molly,” Hermione muttered before turning her attention back to the blond aristocrat. “Lucius you’re already married. I doubt Narcissa would approve.”

Ron went about as red as someone could go. “Hermione you don’t start with that! You start with hell no. End with a fiery hex up his tally wacker. “

“Ron! Please!” Molly huffed her hands on her hips as she glared at her youngest son. “For Circes sake! I’ll not have you spilling all sorts of uncouth words for everyone to hear. I raised you better than that.”

“Mum,” George said. “Tally Wacker is your word.”

“What?” Molly blew out a breath. “Yes, I suppose it is, but I’m an adult.”

“I’m an adult,” Ron screeched his fist hitting his chest as if to prove the point.

“Debatable,” Hermione whispered.

“Deplorable”, Lucius muttered. “Regardless I believe that we are soul mates and belong together.”

“And I believe you’re a poncy cumbubbling cockjockey.”

Molly looked like she was about to faint while Lucius grinned. “See we are perfect together.”

Ron leaned over and took a deep breath. “Today is the day I die. I vomit and then die. Dying. Vomiting. Literally vomming right now.”

Hermione patted him on the back as he wheezed. “Stop being dramatic Ron.” She lifted her head to look at Malfoy. “He told you, didn’t he?”

Lucius eyes gleamed. “Told me? Oh no, my dear lovely Hermione, he showed me.”

Hermione frowned in confusion. “Showed you? Why would he show you anything?”

Lucius puffed out his chest like a peacock and preened. “It’s my birthday.” He declared like that explained everything.

“So? Doesn’t he just give out a coupon for one unsolicited dick pick and be done with it?”

Lucius deflated a bit. “Well ever since Narcissa started cashing in on them and him delivering dick pictures of all other dicks other than his own, it’s gone downhill. Especially after the troll one. How on earth he managed to get that one I’ll never know?” He said shaking his blond hair in disgust.

Ron seemed to be losing it. “Who is this he you’re all talking about? Why is he taking pictures of other people’s dicks? Isn’t that illegal? I’m sure that’s illegal.”

“Penis paparazzi,” Hermione whispered struggling not to laugh.

“You’re such a dead shit Ron,” George muttered as he sat back down and started to charm the carrots to dance. Ron’s nostrils flared.

“I’m not a dead shit. I’m a living person who does shit. There’s a difference, you knobhead. “

“How on earth he made it pass infancy is beyond me.” Lucius sneered even as Ron lunged at him. George had managed to grab onto his jumper forcing him to trip over a chair and fall on his face. Hermione sighed wondering just how much more she could take tonight.

“ENOUGH!”

Everyone stopped what they were doing as Molly charged over, wand out and pointed menacingly at Lucius who had the self-preservation to take a step back, eyeing the witch warily.

“Now Molly,” he started before Molly thrust the wand into his chest.

“Enough you cocknose son of a dickweed. You don’t get to come into my house unannounced and not invited, insult my son, sneer at my home, and announce your perversion on our Hermione. As if she’d choose a cuntpuddle bawbag like you!”

With a twist of her wand, she knocked the Malfoy patriarch on his arse, his head smacking the sink with a dull thud and finally blessed silence filled the room.

“Oh Molly,” Hermione gushed as she watched the Weasley matriarch close her eyes and try to calm herself. “That was beautiful.”

“Thank you, dear,” Molly said distractedly before eyeing the unconscious wizard on her kitchen floor. “What do you think? Should I hex his hair to curl whenever he cusses? That should teach him a firm lesson.”

“Oh, please do,” Hermione giggled as she watched Molly perform the incantation perfectly. “I’ll deposit him home if you like?”

“That would be lovely dear.” She turned and eyed her table. “Such a shame dinner was ruined. George? Did you throw the mash again! You little knobber.”

George cackled. “See Hermione? I told you mum had a mouth.”

“Yes, thank you George,” Molly huffed as she picked up a chair. “I was hoping Hermione wouldn’t- wait. Where is Harry and Ginny?”

All of them glanced at the ceiling while Ron went green and started making vomming noises again.

“Circe save me Hermione, but I might be a grandmother by the end of the year. Filthy little shits,” Molly whispered, resignation and disappointment warring in her voice. Hermione patted her hand in commiseration and then turned her attention on Lucius who was snoring softly.

Ensuring he was suitable trussed up and floating behind her properly she said goodbye to the remaining Weasleys and made her way to the apparition point. Generally, Weasley dinners were tiring but tonight had been a mixture of insanity and hilarity. Did Severus know that Molly had a wicked repertoire of her own?

I mean cuntpuddle is fucking ingenious.

“Cissy stoooooop.”

Hermione glanced back at Lucius who was still unconscious.

Oh, dear lord he talks in his sleep.

“Cissy, I don’t want to see it.”

“No more troll dick. Stop showing it to meeee.”

Hermione chuckled as she gave one last look at the Burrow ensuring Lucius was nice and close. Perhaps her and Narcissa might get along better then expected. With that thought she disapparated with a crack into the night.