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Chapter Text

Several weeks have passed since the death of the 'Director' and the Reds and Blues were praised for completing such a task. Offerred a thank you from the Chairman of the Oversite Subcommittee and CEO of Charon Industries himself, Malcolm Hargrove, and a news article from a journalist of Interstellar Daily, Dylan Andrews, who explored their efforts in taking down the Director and his corrupt organisation for justice.

The Reds and Blues are currently on a huge spacecraft named the Hand of Merope, being transported back to their canyon home, Blood Gulch, to hopfully retire from saving the universe for the third or fourth time since their days the question has been dropped, 'You ever wonder why we're here?'

Washington, Carolina and Eplison were going over various pieces of equipment they were managed to keep with them since everything else from Project Freelancer is locked up and stored elsewhere.

As for the Reds and Blues, Grif is sleeping in a bunk above Simmons' bed; Sarge was cleaning his shotgun; Donut was reading a magazine; Simmions is thinking of ideas of giving Lopez a new body since he's only just a head now; Caboose was... being Caboose; Doc just walked in after visiting the med stations; and Tucker, he was scrolling threw YouTube's recommendations and saw a playlist that grabbed his attention.

He clicked on the playlist and mentally read what it was all about, "'The tales of the Vampire Alucard in his quest to eliminate rouge undead, go on enthusiastic walks, torment the Pope, and kill Nazis. There's plenty of blood, guns, and big titties,' oh titties, I'm game." He played the first episode for a few minutes and he wasn't gonna lie, he likes it. "Hey guys," he calls out and getting their attention, "I find these videos and a vampire going to kill nazis, you guys game?" he asks.

Each of their responces varied, Grif, Caboose and Washington agreed without hestiation, Sarge, Donut and Doc agreed quite reluctant but agreed anyway, Carolina disagreed at firsted but Eplison encouraged her to take a break, and so, the Reds and Blues all sorted themselves out while Tucker and Eplison were setting up a t.v. screenwide view and began playing the first episode.

Chapter Text

NARRATOR: This is a story, of a world of adventure; a sea, full of excitement; and a man, full of dreams, and a passion that seeks to drive him to the top!

"The fuck is this shit!?" Grif shouted out, "I thought you said it has vampires, guns and titties."

"Give it a chance, will you." Tucker reashores.

LUFFY: My name is Monkey D. Luffy, and I'm gonna be king of the--

(TV static, the channel changes)

"Woah..." the orange idiot gasps.

"Now that's more like it." Sarge admits.

BELLA: Oh, yes! I love you, Edward.

EDWARD: And I love you, Bella.

"Did you forget to mention romanic or something?" Doc questions as the teal swordsman nods hims head side to side.

(knocks)

EDWARD: Hold on. Who is it?

ALUCARD: (offscreen) Oh, you know... (appears, shoots Edward) A real fucking vampire.

"That seems a bit too of the top to kill someone." Wash comments while Carolina agrees.

(title sequence)

ALUCARD: Hey, Police Girl. Do you have the target?

POLICE GIRL: Okay, Master, my name is Seras. And yes, I have the target in sight.

"Wow, she's looks pretty." Caboose comments.

ALUCARD: Well, better take the shot, you're letting her get away.

POLICE GIRL: If you just give me a second to concentrate, I could--

ALUCARD: She's getting away. She's running!

POLICE GIRL: I get it! I'm loading up the--

ALUCARD: Going to miss it. Going to miss it!

POLICE GIRL: Just be quiet and let me--!

ALUCARD: Hey, Police Girl! Hey! Hey, Police Girl!

(Police Girl shoots Bella)

"Wow, she's better at using a sniper rifle than you, Church." Carolina sarcastically mentions.

"Oh, don't you start as well!" the A.I. threatonedly begged.

POLICE GIRL: THERE! I TOOK THE FUCKING SHOT! SHE'S DEAD, THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE!

ALUCARD: Oh, you are just a treat.

"Bow-chicka-bow-wow." quoted Tucker.

CAPTION: One Week Earlier

ALUCARD: (voiceover) Now I know what you're thinking: "How did all this come about?" Well, it all started in a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was fiull, I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire... mwahahaha-- it's funny.

"Meh. Five out of ten for delivery." Grif jugded.

PRIEST: So, you came. Too bad you're far too late.

ALUCARD: What?

PRIEST: Everyone else is already dead. Except for this little tart. (holds Police Girl) But trust me, I still plan to kill her.

ALUCARD: Mmm-hm.

PRIEST: But first... I'm going to rape her.

ALUCARD: Neat.

PRIEST: But before I can do any of that... I'm going to kill you!

ALUCARD: Oh? See, that would be intimidating if you were, (mockingly) well, intimidating.

PRIEST: Grr... are you mocking me?!

ALUCARD: Oh no, no, no no no no. Pffft, yeah.

(Shot through the heart)

"Wait, did he shot her in the right side of her chest?" wondered Doc and Caboose confirms it, "So why-"

"Don't question it." Simmions intrrupted him.

ALUCARD: Well, that should about wrap things up here.

(Police Girl dying with a hole in her chest)

ALUCARD: Oh, yeah, forgot about you. Sorry about that whole "shooting you" thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart - which is currently all over that tree - you'll find a way to forgive me.

POLICE GIRL: (Still choking to death)

ALUCARD: Oh, jeez, you look like a puppy. A blonde, eviscerated puppy!

POLICE GIRL: Ugggh, gg, gh...

ALUCARD: Christ, fine, I'll help you! But only because you've got nice tits.

"He's not wrong..." Tucker admits under his breathe.

(Scene change: Integra on the phone)

INTEGRA: So that's your field report?

ALUCARD: Yup.

INTEGRA: You went on a walk through the forest at midnight...

ALUCARD: Yup.

INTEGRA: You killed a homicidal vampire priest...

ALUCARD: Dead.

INTEGRA: And then you turned someone into a vampire... who happened to be a--

ALUCARD: (speaking along Integra) --big-titted police girl. Yes! It's like I didn't just get through explaining this! Now, if you don't mind... I've got things to do.

INTEGRA: What "things"? You don't do "things".

ALUCARD: Yes I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods.

INTEGRA: And kill homicidal vampire priests.

ALUCARD: Very enthusiastic walks.

CAPTION: One Week Later

INTEGRA: So that's your field report?

ALUCARD: Yup.

INTEGRA: So you broke into the house...

ALUCARD: Yup.

INTEGRA: And you shot him thirty-six times...

ALUCARD: Thirty-seven.

"Gonna keep account of your bullets." Donut stated.

INTEGRA: And took out his partner.

ALUCARD: To be fair, that was the police girl. With the big titties.

INTEGRA: You need to stop going on walks.

Can't argue with that." said Wash.

ALUCARD: And you need to hurry up and hook up some goddamn DSL in here.

INTEGRA: Ugh... listen. You have an assignment in Ireland.

ALUCARD: Ooh, I've never hunted down a leprechaun before. Do you think if I shoot it with my gun, Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?

"Why would he thin-" Simmions was about ask but was intrrupted by Intergra.

INTEGRA: Sweet Christ...! Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital, and bring the police girl with you.

ALUCARD: Oh, come on, I have to bring her everywhere.

INTEGRA: Ah ah ah, none of the sass!

ALUCARD: Yes, Mooom~

(Countryside)

CAPTION: Italy

"What in blue-hell is this scenery?" Sarge cursed out.

ANDERSON: So what can I do for ya, Father O'mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan... Ah-who is also Italian.

["If that's the guy's actual name, I'm leaving."] Lopaz states.

"Shut up, Lopaz." snapped Sarge. 

FATHER: Tell-a me, Anderson: What is your favorite thing to do?

ANDERSON: Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ at the many people of the world. Teaching peace and love for all.

"I hope he dies soon." Epsilon grunts.

"Why?" Carolina wonders.

"Because he's a priest, and priests are boring as hell." he admits.

FATHER: And-a killing-a vampires?

ANDERSON: Ah, just try ta fuckin' stop me.

"Wait what?" the A.I. slightly taking back by the responce.

FATHER: And what about... Protestants?

ANDERSON: Second verse, same as the first. Now put me on a plane so I can put'em in a hearse!

"You know what, I think I'll take back what I said about him dying." Epsilon admits.

(Scene: Ireland)

ALUCARD: (offscreen) Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl! This is awesome! You should totally join in. Seriously, there's like, forty zombies in here. Just one shot to the head and they explode! (gunshot) Just like House of the Dead, only like, a hundred times more awesome!

POLICE GIRL: (entering) Ugh, fine! I'll shoot some of the rotten bastards. Can't be that much fun. (headshots a zombie) Oh fuck the hell, yes.

"Holy shit!" was what the response was from everyone watching Seras obliterating several ghouls.

ALUCARD: Sweet Black fucking Sabbath. If I wasn't holding off on that beast of a woman Integra, I'd fuck the red out of those eyes. (the police girl gets stabbed by a dozen bayonets) "Like that?" Grif asks, Well, kinda like that; only with less symbolism and more "my penis in your vagina". (sniffs the air) Huh? Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here. Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church. And what's this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch. Progress!

ANDERSON: Ah, look at what we have here... a bloody heathen!

ALUCARD: Excuse me, but I'm a fuckmothering vampire! I killed a lot of people to get this title! I deserve to be called such.

"Can a title like that even exist?" Washington asks, "You know what, don't answer that."

ANDERSON: Well then, mind if I ask you your name?

ALUCARD: Only if you give yours first, papist.

ANDERSON: Fine, I'll give you the courtesy. The name's--!

(Scene change)

WALTER: Alexander Anderson.

INTEGRA: Oh, fuck all kinds of duck...!

(Scene change)

ANDERSON: You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world! You will witness what happens here today, and you will tell of it later. (Smacks blades together) Except you won't... 'cuz I'll have killed ya! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha...!

ALUCARD: Oh my! Brilliant speech. And unoriginal. That's totally from Boondock Saints.

"Really?" everyone questions in disappointment.

ANDERSON: What? No it isn't. I came up with it a week ago!

ALUCARD: Whatever. We're here for the vampire.

ANDERSON: The only one left here is your sorry pale arse.

POLICE GIRL: (Choking)

ALUCARD: Yeah, yeah, gimme a minute. (To Anderson) So what do you want anyway? The nearest elementary school is at least 10 kilometers away.

ANDERSON: It is your corrupt acclaim! It is your evil that will be sought by me with every breath!

ALUCARD: Boondock... Saints! Seriously, you must watch that movie religiously! (Chuckles) Get it?

"The school quip was better." the maroon soldier states.

"I've seen Boondock Saints, it's not that bad really." Donut admits.

"NO BODY CARES." Grif and Simmons shouted in unison.

ANDERSON: Okay, you know what? Fuck it. Knife.

ALUCARD: "Knife"? (Gets stabbed) Huuaah...!

POLICE GIRL: Master!

ALUCARD: Boom. (Shoots Anderson) Headshot. Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, "Count Choc--"

(Anderson decapitates him)

"DECAPITATION!" Sarge screamed out while everyone looks at him with 'what the hell' expressions behind their helmets.

POLICE GIRL: Master!

ANDERSON: Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, "Frankenber--"

(Finds Police Girl and Alucard's head have disappeared)

ANDERSON: Son of a Protestant whore! Well, you know what time it is.

CAPTION: (Anderson wields blades) RAPE

"Prepare thy anus." the lightish-red soldier said.

(Scene change - Police Girl is carrying Alucard's head)

POLICE GIRL: See? This kind of shit is why I stopped going to church.

ALUCARD: (Attempting telepathy) Police Girl... Poliiice Girl... You are reading your master's mind. Put my head between your boooobs.

POLICE GIRL: Now I'm all alone... the only one I had left was you.

"Aw, that lucky bastard." Tucker muttered.

ALUCARD: (Attempting telepathy) Very good! Now the next thing I want you to do is put me between your legs!

(Stabbed by flying blade)

ALUCARD: (thinking) Goddammit!

"Talk about being blueballed, right?" the purple-armoured medic attempted to joke.

ANDERSON: It's a shame for you lost your head.  A careless vampire who wound up dead.  You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize.  Too many lies... Too many lies...

POLICE GIRL: (thinking) What do I do? What do I do!? I... I could try seducing him. Wait no, I'm not an eight year-old boy! SHIT!

"Why did you think seducing him as a- wait, d-did she say eight year-old boy, but she's a girl." Washington trying to understand the situation.

ANDERSON: Say your prayers, wee lass!

(Blades destroyed by gunfire)

INTEGRA: That girl belongs to me.

ANDERSON: Well, aren't you the naughty one!

INTEGRA: Don't make me shoot you in the fucking head!

ANDERSON: What the hell do, you want you crazy Protestant bastard?

INTEGRA: I'm a woman.

ANDERSON: Call yourself whatever you want, you crazy Protestant bastard.

INTEGRA: You do know this is a grave violation of our agreement.

ANDERSON: And what part would that be?

INTEGRA: The part where you're here... killing my men!

(Anderson kills her men)

ANDERSON: I have no idea what you're on about! I'm just here doin' my job! Killin' vampires, an' werewolves, an' leprechauns. I never actually found one, but do ya think if I cut one open with ma knife, it would spill out Lucky Charms?!

"I dout that." Simmons states, "and I'm Dutch-Irish, for fuck sack."

INTEGRA: Just shut up! Where the hell is Alucard?!

ANDERSON: Oh, him? I killed him!

INTEGRA: Killed him?

ANDERSON: Cut off his bloody head!

["Already in the first episide and the protagonist is dead, great series so far."] Lopez sarcastically claims.

"Wait for it." Epsilon said flotting next to Lopez's head.

INTEGRA: Oh! Well, that's step one. What about two through ten?

"Say what now?" Carolina shockingly asks.

ANDERSON: (Seeing Alucard regenerate) Ah, Christ!

"That's both scary and amazing at the same time." Church admits.

ALUCARD: You done goofed.

ANDERSON: How the blood-soaked Protestant hell did you do that??

ALUCARD: Fuck you, that's how.

The Reds and Blues chuckled at Alucard's response.

ANDERSON: You know what? I've had enough of this. To hell with all you dirty heathens!

ALUCARD: Eat me! Don't forget to write!

"I know I would." Donut mentions.

POLICE GIRL: Oh... oh my God... We survived!

ALUCARD: Sooo...

INTEGRA: What?

ALUCARD: Do I get to go after him?

INTEGRA: No.

ALUCARD: Aww, come on!

INTEGRA: No, and that's final! We've got bigger things to worry about. Whoever's behind these vampire attacks, it has to be some kind of large organized group.

ALUCARD: Like the Nazis?

INTEGRA: That would be retarded.

CAPTION: Meanwhile...

It's obviously the Nazis," Sarge sighed, "Why is it always the fucking Nazis!?"

(Scene change)

MAJOR: Gentlemen... ve... are Nazis...

NAZIS: Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!

MAJOR: Und we... will have war~

NAZIS: Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!

MAJOR: Und ve... U-UND VE...! ATCHUUH!

NAZIS: Gesundheit! Gesundheit!

"REDS! We're going to war against the Nazis!" the red leader of the Reds shouted out as he grabs his shotgun and pumps it.

"Sarge, the Nazis don't exist anymore, remember?" Simmons reminded his commanding officer.

"Oh yeah, right." he said with a sad voice as he puts his weapon down. Waiting for the next episode to play.

Chapter Text

I NTEGRA: (answers phone) Hello, Alucard. How was your mission in Japan?

ALUCARD: (intercom) Eh. I'd say ninety-nine...

(Scene: "Highschool of the Dead")

...point nine percent done.

"Well done." said Carolina while thinking, "Impressive."

(Scene: Hellsing Mansion)

'Sup, bitch?

INTEGRA: I need to talk to you about some important guests coming today.

ALUCARD: Are they hookers?

"I hope they are, bow-chicka-bow-wow."

INTEGRA: No.

ALUCARD: And like that you've lost me.

"Same here." Tucker stated.

INTEGRA: They're our financial suppliers.

ALUCARD: Oh, man! They have to hate us!

INTEGRA: They do. That's why they cancelled our budget.

ALUCARD: Ooh, that's bad. We need that, right? Walter, we need that, right?

WALTER: Yes; very important.

ALUCARD: Thank you, Walter.

WALTER: Of course, sir.

INTEGRA: Over the last couple of years, we've had some... expensive claims.

ALUCARD: Like what?

INTEGRA: First off - property damage.

(Scene: masses fleeing from burning buildings)

"AKA blowing shit up!" Grif cried out.

(Scene: Hellsing Mansion)

ALUCARD: Good times.

INTEGRA: Dozens of noise complaints.

ALUCARD: (shouting to the sound of loud heavy metal) Sorry! I can't hear you!

INTEGRA: Killing at least a dozen innocent people.

ALUCARD: Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!

"Wait really?" everyone shockingly wondered.

"How was he not in prison back them if he did." Washington asks.

INTEGRA: And... all of the sexual harassment.

ALUCARD: ...I'm not apologizing.

"Neither would I." the teal swordsman admits.

INTEGRA: Listen, I know this is asking a lot, but...

ALUCARD: Buuut...?

INTEGRA: I want you to keep yourself locked in the basement until all of them are gone!

ALUCARD: ...I get the distinct impression you're embarrassed of me.

"Probably." Caboose said.

INTEGRA: Alucard...

["She is."] Lopez confirms.

ALUCARD: I'm gonna go with nooo.

INTEGRA: This is important and I don't need you causing another scene!

ALUCARD: I don't have to take this! I'm going for a walk.

INTEGRA: No, you don't!

ALUCARD: Oh, what are you going to do? Grab that guy who can stop me? What was his name? Michael McDoesn'texist?

"AKA nobody can stop him." Epsilon clarifise.

INTEGRA: (sigh) ...What do you want?

ALUCARD: What~?

INTEGRA: What... do I need to give you... to keep you down here for the evening?

ALUCARD: I'm going to need a new gun. Also one for the police girl.

POLICE GIRL: (intercom) But I already have a gun.

ALUCARD: Get that bitch a cannon! Bitches love cannons.

"Put that on a shirt." the lazy orange comments.

INTEGRA: Anything else?

ALUCARD: A 70-inch... plasma widescreen TV.

INTEGRA: Really?

ALUCARD: With Netflix.

INTEGRA: Should it also be 3-D?

ALUCARD: NO! That's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it!

Who even does watches anything in 3-D anymore?" Doc questions.

(Title sequence)

INTEGRA: Hello, gentlemen. Thank you very much for accepting my invitation.

PENWOOD: Well, considering the direness of your financial security, we thought it was the least we could do.

INTEGRA: Now before we begin, I was under the impression our budget was handled directly by the Queen.

ISLANDS: Oh, it is. However, we're having a distinctly difficult time justifying some of these expenses.

PENWOOD: Most of them under the name... "Alucard"...

INTEGRA: (Takes a deep breath) ...Continue.

"And like that she's already stressed." Simmons notices.

ISLANDS: For example - some of them were frankly labeled, "Entertainment".

INTEGRA: "Entertainment"?

OLD ARSEHOLE #3: Quite. Like in my report: £20,000 for a... "Candi".

OLD ARSEHOLE #4: That's "Candi" with an "i", by the way.

INTEGRA: I see.

ISLANDS: Not to mention the priceless antique car. I believe the note on the claim was: "I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats. So I scrapped it."

INTEGRA: So that's why we found my father's car covered in goat blood and rammed into a Dairy Queen.

PENWOOD: Oh yes, and then there's also the Dairy Queen, sitting at about £95,000--

INTEGRA: (simultaneously; thinking) I would do fucking anything right now to get out of this.

"All of us would." Washington mentions.

PENWOOD: (simultaneously; in background) --in damages, not to mention a hospital for all those other customers of the--

(Scene: outside Hellsing grounds)

JAN: ...And so half way through blowin' me, the fuckin' hooker OD's on heroin!

LUKE: I really don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you.

JAN: I mean I still finished, but what kind of shit is that?

LUKE: For God sakes, Jan. Think of mother!

JAN: ...I ain't jerkin' off right now.

GUARD: Oi, you two. The grounds are currently closed.

JAN: Aww, man! That totally sucks! And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England.

GUARD: Where from?

(Guns emerge from bus)

JAN: Texas. (Snaps fingers)

(Guards are shot to death)

"Foreign exchange, my arse." Carolina cursed out.

JAN: Aw, shit. Looks like we need more prayer in schools.

LUKE: If you're quite finished, ready the ghouls. I'm going to find Alucard. You overrun the rest of the mansion.

JAN: Alrighty. (To subordinates emerging from bus) Attention, all bitches! Off the bus and line up in order! I got a class assignment for all of y'all!

"Let me guess: Kill everyone?" Carolina wonders.

(Scene: Hellsing Mansion)

ISLANDS: ...And while the mime did survive, he'll never walk again.

(Lights flicker)

PENWOOD: That's funny; we weren't cutting the power just yet.

INTEGRA: Oh, shit... (Calls front desk) Front desk, report. What's going on?

FRONT DESK CLERK: (intercom) Oh hey, yeah. Hold on. Just give me a second. (footsteps) Whoa. (footsteps) Oh yeah, it's ghouls. Hmm, definitely, definitely--

(Ghoul growls)

OH MY GOD--!

(Squelch; dialtone)

"Well, that's one less cost to worry about." Doc slightly whimpering.

PENWOOD: Sir Integra, do something!

INTEGRA: Calm down! We have over 100 trained guards at the premises at all times. We have everything under control.

(Muffled explosion)

PENWOOD: ...What was that?

INTEGRA: That was probably the escape chopper exploding. As I was saying, let me just contact communications and get an update. (Calls communications) Communications, come in. We need a full report.

COMMS: (crying through intercom)

JAN: (intercom) Read the fuckin' paper.

COMMS: (crying) "H-h-hey there... Integra..."

JAN: READ IT FUCKIN' (slap) RIGHT, COCKHOLE!

COMMS: "Hey there... you... fat, English... whore..."

JAN: That's more like it. Now keep goin'.

"What, no profanities this time?" Epsilon questions.

COMMS: "Me... and my big brother, Luke, are killing... all of your men... and turning them into ghouls... So... I-I... h-hope... you've made peace... with yourself... 'cuz when... I find you... I'm gonna--" ...O-oh God!

JAN: Keep reading, or I SHOOT THE OTHER TESTICLE!

"Jesus WHAT!?" everyone shout out in shock.

"How is he even able to continue talking!?" Epsilon questions, "It doesn't seem physically possibly."

COMMS: (sobbing) "'Cuz when I find you I'm gonna fuck every hole you've gooot...! And then I'm gonna just keep makin' more holes to fu-uck... until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood... and seme-hen..." Oh God, this is horrible...!

JAN: You ain't finished yet!

COMMS: (sobbing) "So prepare your dried-up pussy... for my hu-huge vampire co-ho-hock...! Now pardon me, while I blow this faggot ginger's brains out--" OH GOD NO--!!

(gunshot)

JAN: Ha ha ha ha! Oh! His fuckin' face, man! Aha, fuck! Ha ha ha ha! Oh no, that shit is priceless! (hangs up)

(dialtone)

"Yup, all under control..." Sarge sarcastically states.

INTEGRA: (calls Alucard) Alucard, get up here now! I'm locked in with the committee on the third floor and--

ALUCARD: (intercom) Okay, see, I'm going to have to stop you right there. You see, I'm under direct orders from my boss - who is a total bitch, by the way, (grunts) - that I am not to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imagine that.

INTEGRA: Alucard, you vampiric asshole, I will--!

ALUCARD: Sounds great, but I'm gonna have to go now. I just queued up an episode of "Adventure Time" on Netflix. Byyye~

("Adventure Time" starts; Alucard hangs up)

"Welp, she's pissed." Grif confirms.

INTEGRA: (calls Walter) Walter!

"I don't blame her." the teal Freelancer states.

(Scene change: Luke kills several Hellsing guards)

"Shock horror!" Church sarcastically shouts out, " Turns out Hellsing security jobs don't offer good job security in the face of ruthless cost-cutting."

"And you think you can do better?" Simmons asks the A.I.

"Dude, I'm a fucking A.I. so yeah."

(Opera music ringtone)

LUKE: (answers phone) Hello, Jan.

(dead guards collapse)

JAN: So, how's my favorite big brother doin'?

LUKE: Oh, you know; just killed a group of guards.

JAN: Shit, bro. You too? What's your kill count at? Nah, don't tell me... (ghouls eating in background) I'm winnin'.

LUKE: They were guarding a secret passage way downstairs. Not really keeping it a secret if you keep a bunch of armed guards standing around it.

"Whoever decided that is an dipshit." Grif comments.

JAN: Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skullfuck that Hellsing bitch. And the old guys. Ah, fuck it. Skullfuckin' for everyone! Come 'ere, ghoul!

(ghoul groaning, squelch)

"...What?" everyone said while trying not to think what Jan was going to do to a ghoul.

LUKE: (hangs up) Well, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

"I know that be true." the lazy orange confirms, since he has a sister with some... less that normal talents.

(Scene change)

INTEGRA: Alright. Walter and his assistant should be here any second now.

PENWOOD: But if there's no way to get upstairs, how are they going to-- (hit by roof panel) Ah!

(Police Girl falls on top of Penwood)

"Aw, YOU LUCKY SOB!" Tucker shouted out in jealousy.

POLICE GIRL: (simultaneously) Ah! Whoa!

PENWOOD: (simultaneously) Ah!

WALTER: Talley-ho!

INTEGRA: Good to see you, Walter.

WALTER: Of course, sir.

INTEGRA: The first two floors have been entirely overrun. Communications with the outside have been cut off, we lost all our men, and Alucard is being...

WALTER: Alucard?

INTEGRA: A total ass, yes. Now tell me, do you have any plans?

WALTER: Of course, sir. I shall do exactly as the butler does... and tidy up.

"Oh, this is going to be badass." the lazy orange chuckles with excitement.

(Scene change)

JAN: ♪ I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck ♪
♪ I don't give a shit! I don't give a fuck! ♪
♪ Now if I give a shit, I might just give a fuck ♪
♪ But I don't give a shit, so I don't give a--! ♪

"I think I would like song if he wasn't a twisted asshole." Grif comments.

(Subordinates instantly sliced to death)

...Fuck was that??

WALTER: Hello. My name is Walter C. Dornez, ex-vampire hunter and butler to the Hellsing Organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash... and I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself.

"Okay, I will admit, that was a cool introduction." said Wash.

JAN: Well, ain't you just the textbook fuckin' definition of classy! But guess what, Jeeves, (snaps fingers and armored subordinates emerge) that garrote wire won't do shit for dick against armor this thick! What's that, Alfred? "How thick is it?" Well, half as thick as mah dick! So thick enough that you need a fuckin' anti-tank rifle to pierce it, and I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass.

WALTER: Police Girl, if you may.

(view pans back to Police Girl with an anti-tank rifle)

POLICE GIRL: Bitches love cannons! (fires at armored subordinates)

JAN: Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle... OH FUCK, THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!

"Welp, that's what you get for tempting fate, stupid bitch." Simmions mentions.

(Police Girl fires again)

(Scene change)

(Jake laughing on the TV, which is then destroyed when Luke makes his entrance)

"Uh, dick move." Tucker groans.

ALUCARD: ...That was a 70-inch... plasma screen TV. (deep breath) ...So, how can I help you?

LUKE: You must be the great Alucard.

ALUCARD: 'Suup.

LUKE: I've heard quite a lot about you.

ALUCARD: Oh really?

LUKE: The night walker... who glides through oceans of blood. Beyond human. A monster whose power radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow on darkness itself!

ALUCARD: Oh, you dirty bitch, work the shaft!

"Bow-chicka-, wait what?" Tucker asks confusionly.

LUKE: Ex...cuse you?

ALUCARD: Oh I'm sorry, I, heh, I like to dirty talk when someone's sucking my dick!

LUKE: Perhaps I should just skip to my point. "Probably for the best." Carolina agrees, My name is Luke Valentine.

ALUCARD: And I'm Carmen Sandiego. Guess where I am!

LUKE: I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here.

ALUCARD: Oh, so am I. And I'm failing. And I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blonde little shit strolled into my room, destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father!

(Luke & Alucard aim their guns at each other)

Be a sport and grab Daddy another beer, would you?

(gunshot; scene change)

JAN: (grunts)

POLICE GIRL: Arm bars everywhere!

JAN: (simultaneously) Ah, let go of me, stupid bitch!

WALTER: (simultaneously) That's quite impressive. Where did you learn that hold?

POLICE GIRL: Oh wow, it's almost like I'm a police girl or something!

WALTER: Sarcasm is unbecoming of you.

JAN: Wow. Gee willikers, mister. I sure am sorry for slaughterin' all your guards and tearin' up your mansion. I promise I've learned my les-- (Walter stomps on his hand) AH! Fuck! Take a joke, asshole!

WALTER: And everything you say just pisses me off! Now you're going to tell me everything I want to know.

JAN: Alright, alright. What you do... is you go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called "Viagra", and it'll help ya GO FUCK YOURSELF!

WALTER: (grunts)

(Ghouls suddenly appear)

["Whoa, where did they come from?!"] Lopez questions. 

WALTER: (gasps)

(Police Girl grunts as Jan escapes her grasp)

JAN: And now for the upcoming company picnic. Unfortunately, all your douche bag coworkers are bringin' is their own rotten flesh. Still better than potato salad if you ask me. Now ifin you don't mind, I'ma go eat that Hellsing bitch!

WALTER: (throws garrote wire at Jan's arm) I've got your arm!

JAN: (continues running despite his arm being cut in half) So shove it up your ass! Aha ha ha ha ha!

(Opens door to meeting between Integra and financiers, only to find they all have guns trained on him)

...Well that's not fair at all.

INTEGRA: I'm sorry. We don't give a fuck.

The Reds and lues laughed at Integra's one-liner for being awesome.

(gunfire)

JAN: (multiple times) Fuck! (once) Motherfuckin' cunt with a fuckin' titty! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! (slumps against the wall as gunfire ceases) Fuck! Ahg, where the fuck did my ghouls go??

WALTER: Oh, they've been dealt with.

(flashback to Police Girl killing ghouls in a blood rage)

The Freelancers were slightly in shock at Police Girl's blood rage brutality.

JAN: Well, least I'm gonna die with a raging boner.

"I think I might as well." Sarge openly admits.

INTEGRA: All right, shit-for-brains, you're going to spill every single thing you know or I'm going to have Walter here peel your dick like a banana!

Tucker, Grif and Wash slowly closed their legs, personally feeling that Carolina would make a similar threat in the future.

JAN: (giggles) I don't know what's fuckin' funnier: The fact that you think that your titless ass intimidates me, or that you think my boss would let me live if ya did.

(sets himself on fire)

AND NOW I'M ON FUCKIN' FIRE! SO NOW IT'S FREE GAME! (flips the bird) The one who sent me... WAS...! ...Naaziiiss...!

(Jan dies and turns into a steaming pile of ash)

INTEGRA: ...I heard George Lucas. Who else heard George Lucas?

WALTER: I heard Miami Heat.

POLICE GIRL: I herd the Mötley Crüe with my vampire hearing.

"Why the hell would some well known people from the twenty-first centery send undead ghouls to attack you?" Church confusionly asks.

INTEGRA: Wait a second... where's the big brother?

(Scene change: Luke appears to have the upper hand in the shoot-out against Alucard)

LUKE: You can't touch me! I was hand-crafted to kill you! My speed, my stamina, my power all rival... nay, dwarf yours! In comparison to you, I am a demigod!

ALUCARD: (seemingly headless) Really? ...Really?

LUKE: Really.

ALUCARD: Really?!

LUKE: Really!

ALUCARD: (head re-emerges) REALLY?!

LUKE: REALLY!

ALUCARD: Release restraint to level one.

LUKE: Level what?

"Level wha-" everyone was about to question but saw Alucard transform.

(Alucard changes form and shoots Luke in the leg)

Agh! Agh! Fuck!

DEMONIC!ALUCARD: You know they say that TV makes you violent. But I'd say not having my TV IS MAKING ME PRETTY FUCKING VIOLENT! (shoots Luke in the other leg)

LUKE: Aaaaggh! (falls next to the staircase) I'm near the stairs. Gotta get to the stairs. If I could just get up the stairs, I-- (as view pans up the long staircase) ...Aaawwwwwwwww fuck.

"Indeed." Grif whimpers.

D!ALUCARD: Come on! You were talking all that good shit a second ago, then I blew your FUCKING legs off!

LUKE: (terrified) But I... You...! What the fuck?!

D!ALUCARD: What's wrong, "demigod"? Just grow back your legs! (crushes dead leg stump) Summon up your demons! HIT ME! FIGHT ME! Give me a hug!

LUKE: ...Really?

(Alucard grins before proceeding to eat Luke alive)

Oh God no--!!

(Scene change: Integra and financiers are listening to the confrontation through the intercom)

LUKE: (dying throughout the scene)

D!ALUCARD: Hey, we're here on Epic Meal Time! I'm the Sauceboss! And tonight, we're eating this blonde little wannabe demigod bitch!

"Holy shit." Washington whimpers in fear.

PENWOOD: Who... is that exactly?

INTEGRA: Oh, that's Alucard, the one we talked about earlier. This is what happens when he has to entertain himself. Oh, so what was that issue about funding?

PENWOOD: Issue?

ISLANDS: What issue?

PENWOOD: I don't see an issue.

OLD ARSEHOLE #3: Shut up and take our money!

"That was easy." Caboose said like nothing happened.

(Scene change)

ALUCARD: (intercom) Ah, and just like that, everything turned out alright in the end.

INTEGRA: Yes, everything turned out just fine... except that 90% of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the police girl in a blood rage.

POLICE GIRL: What's a blood rage? (intercom) And why don't I remember anything?

["And that just proofs her point."] Lopez states.

ALUCARD: That reminds me - for whatever reason, did we ever find out who sent them? (beat) ...It was the Nazis, wasn't it?

INTEGRA: No.

ALUCARD: Bet you I'm right.

INTEGRA: Bet you you're wrong.

ALUCARD: Bet you you're a skank.

INTEGRA: Bet you you're an asshole!

ALUCARD: BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!!

Everyone slightly jumped back at Alucard's outburst.

Chapter Text

(flashback)

VAN HELSING: Vampire king...

ALUCARD: (groaning)

"Is this a flashback?" Caboose asks.

"I, believe so." Simmons answers.

VAN HELSING: You lay upon ze blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land. Castles plundered... dominions in ruin... servants destroyed - all to end ze hellfire wis which you sought to cover ze world. A bloody conquest having consumed hundreds of thousands, countless villages razed to ze ground, and over 20,000 impaled and prostrated by you and you alone to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men! Vhat say you, monster, demon, devil conceived by the bleakest womb?! WHAT SAY YOU NOW?!

ALUCARD: (Beat) ...The Aristocrats.

"LOL." Grif cursed out.

VAN HELSING: Durgh! (he strikes Alucard, after which the flashback ends and Alucard wakes up in the Hellsing Mansion)

"Okay, so it was a flashback." Donut responds.

"Indeed, from Alucard's past." Epslion agreed.

ALUCARD: Oh God... It's orientation day!

"And for a second I thought he had PTSD." Carolina said.

(Scene change)

INTEGRA: Listen close. You've all been subcontracted as personal bodyguards to the Hellsing Organization. As you've heard, we deal with special interest targets: Terrorists, cultists, and individuals who believe themselves to be of... (titters)... a mystical persuasion.

WILD GEESE: (laughing)

"Hey blue," Sarge shouted to Tucker, "do these guys have a group name or something?"

"Uh yeah, give me sec," he puts the subtitles on, "their called 'Wild Geese'?" he said confusingly.

Everyone called out "Really?" as they either rolled their eyes behind their helmets or sighed in disappointment.

BERNADOTTE: Well... is there anything else we should be informed about the facility?

INTEGRA: Everything you need to know has already been covered in the briefing.

ALUCARD: HEY-KIDS, WANNA-SEE-A-DEAD-BODY?!

WILD GEESE: (screaming)

The Reds, Blues, and Freelancers laughed at Alucard's introduction to the Wild Geese. 

(Title sequence)

WILD GEESE: (still screaming)

INTEGRA: STOP SCREAMING!

WILD GEESE: (whimpering like dogs)

"I'm not the only one hearing them whimper like dogs, right?" Doc questions to his... friends?

"Yeah, your not." Washington confirms.

ALUCARD: So what's up with the pride meeting?

INTEGRA: They're a mercenary group contracted to replace all the soldiers we lost in the Valentine brothers'--

ALUCARD: Wait... are these guys French?

INTEGRA: We were forced to post mortality rates. They're the only ones who applied.

ALUCARD: We are really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

WALTER: Sir Integra, I apologize; I tried to stop him. But when I pleaded with him, he merely responded with, and mind my French, (to Bernadotte) no offense...

BERNADOTTE: Some taken.

WALTER: ..."Fuck the police". He then proceeded to tilt every painting he passed on the way here.

ALUCARD: (maniacal laughter)

"I would've done the same too." Grif admits.

INTEGRA: (sigh), Oh God. Walking through that hallway is going to give me such a headache now.

WALTER: Speaking of headaches, a very curious letter arrived for you in the mail.

INTEGRA: Enrico Maxwell? That filthy, slimy, arrogant, Italian PIECE OF SH--! (Scene change) Maxwell, oh it's been far too long.

"Well that's quite the change of attitude." Church remarks, "Kinda reminds me of a surting teal Freelancer that I know." he says as he looks at Carolina.

"Hey, I wasn't that bad." she defended herself.

MAXWELL: I agree. You're no longer that little girl I used to know. Look at all those lines on your face.

INTEGRA: And look at all the brown on your nose. How is the Pope doing?

MAXWELL: Better than your failing church.

INTEGRA: Well, not all of us can exploit illegals.

MAXWELL: But you don't waste time making money off Rupert Murdoch!

ALUCARD: Honestly, if you're going to have a dickfighting competition with a woman, you must have started off with the world's cruelest handicap. Which I'm sure benefits the 9 year-old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. Which was paid for how? Oh right! Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God... all over his back.

["That's quite the burn."] Lopez states.

MAXWELL: (crushes his glasses) ANDERSOOON!!

ANDERSON: Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling.

ALUCARD: You got me a present?!

ANDERSON: Kiss the son lest he be angry, and ye perish from the way... when his wrath is kindled but a little!

(Alucard and Anderson laugh in a disturbing manner)

SERAS: Right this way, group B! That's right! Right'n front'a everyone else! You're 80! You're used to it. We're going to look at art and paintings, which I believe are also art. I don't know! I'm Cockney! I'm uncultured!

ALUCARD: Uhh. Welp, my boner's gone.

ANDERSON: Aye. Kind of a mood killer.

ALUCARD: Wanna try this again some other time?

ANDERSON: Of course! Kill you later, ya monstrous heathen.

ALUCARD: You too, you Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology!

"Sharp as ever. Bow-chicka-bow-wow." said Tucker.

MAXWELL: ...You want some coffee?

INTEGRA: I'd love some.

(Scene change)

INTEGRA: So... the letter you sent never specified the purpose of this meeting.

MAXWELL: Consider this a business transaction. I have two pieces of information that I wish to trade with you.

INTEGRA: And what would those be?

MAXWELL: The true identity of Millennium.

INTEGRA: Who?

MAXWELL: The organization who assailed your compound.

INTEGRA: Oh yeah; there was some debate over that.

MAXWELL: And the whereabouts of said Millennium.

INTEGRA: And what could you possibly want in exchange?

MAXWELL: Oh, nothing major. Just two simple apologies from you and your subordinate known as "TheCrimsonFuckr"! Also known as Alucard.

"Is that an account name?" Washington wonders.

"Hold on, I'll check my Twitter." Sarge called out as he searchs 'TheCrimsonFuckr' and found no results. "Damn it, no results."

INTEGRA: ...So you want an apology from me.

MAXWELL: I figured, but didn't want to assume.

INTEGRA: And, by chance, what would I have to apologize to the Iscariot Organization for?

MAXWELL: Well, originally I'd ask you to apologize for being a scum-sucking, blaspheming, ignorant, Protestant pig sow! But in this case, the sins of your pet vampire are of greater concern.

INTEGRA: What did he do this time?

MAXWELL: Over the last couple of years, he has sent no less than 200 death threats to the Pope. By carrier pigeon, no less! They just... fly right into the Vatican! The latest one read as such... (clears throat) "Dear Chief Replacement..."

ALUCARD: (continues reading letter) "I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with."
"That's right."
"I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey."
"Follow me on Twitter @TheCrimsonFuckr!"

MAXWELL: "Sincerely, Alucard".

INTEGRA: ...I can't help but ponder the frightful headway we'd make if he put that sort of energy into his job.

"Me neither." the teal Freelancer agreed.

MAXWELL: Soo... that apology~?

INTEGRA: (sigh)... I'm sor-- (Scene: Hellsing Mansion) So that's where they are.

WALTER: Interesting. But do you think Alucard will go?

INTEGRA: Not as long as it's an order.

WALTER: I think I have an idea...

(Scene change)

WALTER: Did you know you have vacation days?

ALUCARD: I have vacation days!? You mean I can leave anytime I want and not get yelled at over the phone? Because seriously, it's always over the phone! Mostly because I don't like to argue with her in person. I get a boner. It's super awkward.

["He gets awkward!?"] Lopez shockingly asks.

"It sure does get awkward." the lightish-red soldier admits.

WALTER: Quite.

ALUCARD: Well, that settles it. I'm going traveling!

WALTER: Yes, you can go anywhere you wish... except for Brazil. Sir Integra was quite insistent that you never visit Brazil.

(Beats)

"Three guesses to where he's going..." Grif sarcastically says.

ALUCARD: Takin'-the-police-girl-and-the-Frenchman.

(Scene: Hellsing private jet)

"Alucard the pimp." Tucker laughed out.

BERNADOTTE: So where is the police girl?

ALUCARD: Oh you know, she's downstairs.

BERNADOTTE: Isn't that the cargo hold?

SERAS: (muffled; weeping) I have a fear of flying, coffins, and tight place-heess...!

(Scene: Brazil)

ALUCARD: Jesus wants a hug!

Everyone chuckled at Alucard's outburst.

HOTEL CLERK: There we are - a regular two bedroom.

ALUCARD: Hilarious. No, I want the penthouse.

HOTEL CLERK: I'm... sorry, sir. Mr. Chevy Chase currently has that room reserved.

ALUCARD: (echo) I said... (normal voice) you want to give me the penthouse.

HOTEL CLERK: I... want to give you the penthouse.

ALUCARD: And you want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.

HOTEL CLERK: And I want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.

ALUCARD: See this, Frenchie? I can make him say whatever I want. (to clerk) White Chicks was amazing.

HOTEL CLERK: White Chicks was amazing!

ALUCARD: He believes it too!

BERNADOTTE: Eugh!

Even the Reds, Blues, and the Freelancers agreed with Bernadotte's statement.

(Scene change)

SPY: Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock. TheCrimsonFuckr has checked in. I repeat: TheCrimsonFuckr has checked in. Also, I'm choosing the goddamn nicknames next time!

They then laughed at the Spy's nicknames.

BERNADOTTE: So, if zis doesn't sound weird... would you... maybe like to get a drink later? Hit up a club?

"I know I would, bow-chicka-bow-wow!" Tucker said.

ALUCARD: You're not my friend, you're my body guard. Make it past two weeks, I might learn your name. Until then, you're spare blood.

BERNADOTTE: Jeez, fine!

ALUCARD: Also, tell that guy to stop spying on me; it's creepy!

SPY: Shit-shit-shit!

ALUCARD: Now that I'm all by myself... I can just kick back and reeeela--

(Scene change; sirens and shouting heard on TV)

"Well that didn't last fuck long." Church assumed.

REPORTER: Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor.

BERNADOTTE: (during broadcast) What?

REPORTER: The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear the worst.

(Bernadotte does a beer spittake)

(Scene change)

REPORTER: The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman, and some Ozzy Osbourne-looking motherfucker.

ANDERSON: (during broadcast) Ah ha ha, ah ha ha ha.

(Scene: Hellsing Mansion)

INTEGRA: On the phone. Get-him-on-the-phone! I-want-him-on-the-phone-RIGHT-NOW!

(Scene change)

(Ringtone)

ALUCARD: Hold on a minute, I gotta take this.(answers phone) Yello~?

INTEGRA: What. Did you do?

ALUCARD: Alright. (beat) But you can't be mad at me.

INTEGRA: What. Did you do?

ALUCARD: Okay, first... I was minding my own business.

INTEGRA: BULLSHIT!

ALUCARD: I waaas!

INTEGRA: And exactly what happened whilst you were "minding your own business"?

ALUCARD: So, I was just chillaxin' in my room like a baller, then all of a sudden these shmucks kicked in my door!

(Flashback: SWAT team makes forced entry into Alucard's room)

(present) One of them yelled out:

SWAT GUY: (flashback) Get on your knees!

ALUCARD: (present) And I responded with: (flashback) I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT! (present) ...And they took exception to that.

SWAT GUY: (flashback) Aaargh!

(SWAT team shoot Alucard down to a bloody pulp)

"Jesus christ!" the Reds and Blues screamed in unison.

ALUCARD: (present) But, you know how that song and dance goes...

SWAT GUY: (flashback) Huh?

(Alucard decimates the team down to a man)

"Yeah, the usual." Caboose mentions.

"HOLY SHIT!" Wash and Carolina shouted out in horror.

ALUCARD: (present) ...Aaand I killed all but one of them.

INTEGRA: What happened to the last one?

(Flashback: Remaining operative whimpers in fear before firing a bullet in his own head)

ALUCARD: (present) Pussed out like a bitch! Silver lining - I can cancel my room service!

(Scene change)

(Sirens and shouting)

OFFICER: So, we've sent like, 10 guys up there and we haven't heard back. Think everything's alright?

DANDY MAN: Naturalmente, don't worry about it. Of course everything's fine.

OFFICER: Well... no matter what we're still going to get our immortality, right?

"Can someone even offer immortality to anyone?" Grif questions.

"I think he might be lying." Simmons sergests.

DANDY MAN: Buddy, my friend, do I look like the kinda guy who would go back on an agreement? By the way... you may want to send more men.

OFFICER: Well, that sounds reasonable.

"Like hell it does!" Sarge shouted out.

(Scene change)

ALUCARD: (in-between feeding on the SWAT team) You've been like, really quiet for like, five minutes. (feeding) Oh I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it?

INTEGRA: Alucard... put the police girl on the phone.

ALUCARD: Really? You want to talk to-- ...Okay, fine. Whatever. (muffled; to Seras) Take the fucking call.

SERAS: (muffled) What does she want?

ALUCARD: (muffled) I don't fucking know, she wanted to talk to you. I'm going for a walk. (closes door)

"And just like that he's gone." Doc mentions.

SERAS: 'Ello?

INTEGRA: Whatever you do, do not let Alucard leave that room, under any circumstance!

SERAS: Actually, he just left. He said he was going for a walk.

INTEGRA: NOOO!

(Scene: Alucard walks into a hallway with multiple SWAT guns trained on him)

ALUCARD: Hey guys, how's your health plan? (Operatives fire at will) APPARENTLY, IT'S GREAT! (proceedes to massacre operatives)

"Well, you know the drill." Epsilon daedpanned.

INTEGRA: (in despair) Walter... be honest with me... What are we looking at in terms of collateral?

WALTER: Well... (Scene: Alucard exits full of dead operatives) ...the Alucard amount.

(Bystanders scream as the massacre continues outside)

DANDY MAN: I heard you know how to make an entrance. If I had known you were going to do all this, I'd have hung some Union Jacks for you.

ALUCARD: Hold on... did you put all this on for me? Who are you?

DANDY MAN: I am Tubalcain Alhambra, or the "Dandy Man". I may or may not have fed a lie to the local policia that in return for your capture, I would give them immortality.

ALUCARD: And they fuckin' bought that?

"CALLED IT!" Simmons screamed out.

DANDY MAN: Like discount peixe.

ALUCARD: (amused) You cheeky dick-waffle! So then, what's the deal?

DANDY MAN: A cute choice of words. I wish to play a card game, vampiro.

ALUCARD: What, we talking 52 Pickup?

"Meh, I prefer 'Go Fish'." Donut states.

"Well I like 'Snap'." Caboose admits.

DANDY MAN: Noo; more like 52 CUTUP!

(Dandy Man and Alucard commence hostilities)

ALUCARD: Hit mee~! Whoop!

INTEGRA: (watching the TV) Oh my God, why are they doing this outside?! (battle continues) Well at least he's just dodging them. (Alucard continually fires bullets (which miss and kill the police instead) at DM) Oh come on, that was on purpose!

"Was it, though?" Carolina snarkly asked.

"Probably was." the A.I. answered with the same tone.

(Alucard shoots the "Dandy Man", who turns out to be a clone made of cards)

ALUCARD: So, he can make card clones.

"That sounds both cool and impossible at the same time." Wash and Simmons admit.

(An explosion knocks him off his feet)

DANDY MAN: You activated my trap card. (snaps fingers)

ALUCARD: Oh boy! (caught in subsequent explosion)

DANDY MAN: (chuckles)

ALUCARD: Hey, Dandy Dick! (beat) You missed! (as he runs up a building) Woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop!

The colourful soldiers laughed out.

(Scene change)

(General urgent chatter)

OFFICER 2: Do you think Alhambra can take him?

OFFICER: Calm down man, it's fine. I'm just focused on what I'm gonna do with my immortality.

OFFICER 2: Joke's on you; I'm getting double immortality! Huh--?

(Bernadotte (disguised as a SWAT operative) shoots police in the tent) 

BERNADOTTE: Un... deux... trois, quatre, cinq...

GUARD: No, no no no no--!

(Bernadotte continue to shoot)

BERNADOTTE: Six, sept... (hums La Marseillaise as he casually walks out of the tent, then detonates the tent and exhales) ...Now let's see what he thinks about having zat drink with me...

(Scene: Alucard on his knees with a long trail of blood behind him)

ALUCARD: (winces)... Could use a drink right now. Not used to seeing this much of my own blood anymore. Guy's got magic cards... and magic hands.

"Hey, I hand magic hands too." the lighish-red idiot mentions.

DANDY MAN: Tell me, Alucard - are you a betting man?

ALUCARD: I believe that's your shtick.

DANDY MAN: I'd like to make a little bet with you, vagabundo. I'll end your life... with one hand.

ALUCARD: I'll take that bet. Now... HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT! (DM flings two cards at him, to no effect) Oh, shame for you...

DEMONIC!ALUCARD: ...You activated my Alu-card.

"Well, he's fucked." Tucker assumes.

DANDY MAN: What? (blocks gunshot) Que merda? (blocks more gunshots)

SERAS: GET SOOOOOOME!

DANDY MAN: (still blocking gunshots) Guh! Putaaa!

SERAS: Trump this! (fires another bullet, which DM slices in half with a card)

DANDY MAN: I'm getting real tired of this shit!

D!ALUCARD: You and me both. (breaks DM's left leg with a kick to the knee)

DANDY MAN: (screaming)

D!ALUCARD: Now show me your hand... DAAANDY MAAAAN!

(Alucard carves DM's left arm in half lengthways with his hand)

DANDY MAN: (screams in excruciating agony, then whimpers when Alucard grasps his face)

ALUCARD: Hey, Dandy Man?

DANDY MAN: Huh?

ALUCARD: You lost.

DANDY MAN: Uh-huh.

ALUCARD: And now I have to read your mind...

DANDY MAN: Huh?

ALUCARD: ...by drinking all of your blood.

DANDY MAN: (whimpering / screaming)

ALUCARD: Om nom nom nom! (Chomps DM on the neck, then enters his mind and sees a bunch of garish colors) "Looks like he's tripping." said Doc, The fuck is this...? The fuck is that...? The fuck are those?

(Vision changes to the Major with a Nazi flag behind him; Alucard starts laughing and clapping)

SERAS: ...Master?

ALUCARD: Hold on! I need to tweet about this.

(Scene: Integra accesses Alucard's Twitter page and sees a Tweet marked "IT'S NAZIS. #calledit #bitcheslovecannons #fuckmotheringvampire", then sighs in disgust)

WALTER: Sir Integra, is something the matter?

INTEGRA: It's the fucking--!

(Scene: Nazi HQ)

MAJOR: Naziiiis~!

DOCTOR: I am so sorry, Major, for ze failure of ze Dandy Man.

MAJOR: Ah, give it a rest, Herr Doctor. He was a Brazilian DOG who died feeding a much bigger beast a valuable piece of information.

DOCTOR: But Major, now that they know of our plans--

MAJOR: Ahh~, Herr Doctor~, but that is the plan. Now zat zey know our plan, zey will plan around our plan, and so ve shall in turn plan around ze plan that zey are planning around our plan!

"Did anyone understand what he said, because I don't." Simmons asked the Freelancer's and even they don't understand the Major's plan.

DOCTOR: Your brilliance knows no bounds!

MAJOR: And regardless... we have one advantage that zey sorely lack~... ZEPPELINS!

"You mean giant ass balloons that'll make you big easy targets to be shot out of the sky?" Carolina states, "It's like he wasn't to be killed."

"And I'll gladly give it to him." Sarge mentions as he grabs his Shotgun.

Chapter Text

(Scene: Integra on the phone)

ALUCARD: Say it!

INTEGRA: Fuck you.

ALUCARD: After you say it.

INTEGRA: You're really going to force me on this?

"Unforntantly, yes." Simmons answers.

ALUCARD: I'm at half mast! I need to hear this!

"I think we all do." Grif responds.

INTEGRA: Fine! You were right!

ALUCARD: Hnnn-nn-nn-nn-nng-nng-ngr-ngr-ngr...!!

INTEGRA: Jump up your own ass and DIE!

ALUCARD: Ahhhhh! Houston... we have nooo problems.

"Damn, that must have been one hell of a 'called it' boner." Doc admits.

(Anderson breaks into the Hellsing Mansion, audibly shocking Seras and Bernadotte)

ANDERSON: Raargh!

Oh hey, a problem." Wash sarcastically says.

ALUCARD: OK, dude, I just-- I just finished, I'm gonna need like, five minutes over here to recharge--

(Alucard and Anderson trade blows)

Never mind, we're back in business!

SERAS: I've got him! (attempts to strike Anderson, who counters with a bayonet that almost hits her) OH! (trembles in fear)

ALUCARD: Ah great, and now she's triggered. Could be all day with it...

(Seras turns catatonic)

ANDERSON: The good Lord has handed down a blessing to ya filthy heathens as a sign of good will... A small private Vatican jet. "with the nine-year-old boy chained to it?" Church asks while everyone looked at the A.I. fragment with disbelief, "What?", Now, if you would be so very Christian-like to ship your sorry pale ass out! (Seras remains catatonic) And take your trigger happy harlot with ya! And the woman!

BERNADOTTE: (after finishing his soft drink) ...Donc quoi?

ALUCARD: Man, I don't know what I find funnier: The Catholic Church strong-arming you into helping us, or the fact that you obviously haven't seen what I did to the statue of Big J~!

(beat; view changes to Christ the Redeemer adorned with a rainbow-colored flag labelled "420YOLOSWAG4JESUS")

ANDERSON: AAAAAAAAAARGH...!!

The colourful soldiers laughed out hard, with Epsilon saving it for future giggles and Grif almost bursted his gut. Even Carolina and Washington couldn't contain themselves for long.

(Title sequence)

(Scene: London)

RENALDO: Di banner won't-a come-a down. I think it's a constrictor knot.

ALUCARD: (muffled) What-- What do you mean, you "forgot the song"? Okay, screw-- screw it, no screw it! Screw it! Just, t-take my phone and hit "Random". No, just hit "Random". Okay. Three, two...

(Alucard, Seras and Bernadotte enter the room to the sound of Alucard's ringtone)

The Reds and Blues laughed again with the song "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks played.

(normal) No, okay, turn it off, turn it off! (music cut-off) It didn't work. It did not work.

INTEGRA: Following your example?

ALUCARD: Ooh, catty! Oh shit, is that Betty?!

BODYGUARD: Excuse me sir, you're going to have to--

ALUCARD: Get out of my way!

THE QUEEN: Well, well, well. If it isn't Allie. Your skin is still as smooth as the day I felt it on my own...

ALUCARD: You know it. Reminds me of when I'd keep your bed warm during the Blitz.

THE QUEEN: Those were better days. I was younger, beautiful...

ALUCARD: Oh shut up, you old hag! I'd still wreck you like Diana!

THE QUEEN: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, you know exactly what to say to moisten me up...

"Anyone else find that weird?" Doc asks the group while they ignore him, "No? OK."

PENWOOD: Gah, I can never have sex again!

INTEGRA: Alucard... if you please.

ALUCARD: You're right. Enough focusing on the past... Instead, let's focus on the past! "A bit of backstory, seems internesting." said Wash, Back in World War II, Walter and I were part of a top-secret government operation called "Operation Kraut Control". Walter was fifteen, and I'm pretty sure if I'm remembering correctly, I was a girl...

REGINALD: Wait a second; then that implies that the Queen--

ALUCARD: INTERRUPT MY STORY AGAIN, REGGIE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS!  (beat) But yeah, we were under orders to stick it sideways to a group of Nazi scientist whackjobs interested in creating a vampire army. And did we!

INTEGRA: Seems you missed a spot.

ALUCARD: Are you g-- Are you gonna do this right now? In front of everybody?

INTEGRA: The point is, enough members have survived and are planning on finishing their mission. They've established a base in Brazil, and are using the name--

SCHRÖDINGER: "Millennium". 

(Integra and Maxwell gasp; Heinkel and Bernadotte train their guns on Schrödinger)

"It's a traaap!!" Caboose shouts out, "Sorry sorry, I couldn't resist to say it."

Warten Sie! How do you say... "Do not shoot ze messenger".

ALUCARD: Ah... the return of the Y-boner... with a vengeance!

"Wait, when was the first one?" Tucker wonders.

"Probably when he found out about having 'vacation days'. Sarge guessed as he almosts gags on saying 'vacation'.

INTEGRA: How did he get in here?

WALTER: We had over a dozen guards.

ALUCARD: Those were ours? I mean oh my God, how did he get through the guuuardss-ss-ks?!

SCHRÖDINGER: (after placing a TV on the table) My commanding officer, Ze Major, would like to personally introduce himself... along with our vonderful organization. (tries to acquire video feed, to no avail) ...What? (tries again)

MAJOR: (audio only) Schrödinger?

SCHRÖDINGER: It's not working, Major!

MAJOR: Did you click "TV" zen "Power"?

SCHRÖDINGER: Oh vait, I'm on Video 2.

MAJOR: Nein! Video 1!

SCHRÖDINGER: (acquires video feed) Got it!

MAJOR: Hellooo~!

ALUCARD: He-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! He's still so fucking fat! (continues laughing) He's like a Nazi Louis C.K., ha-ha-ha-ha! Wait, wait! No, no; Jim Gaffigan! Jim Gaffigan...!

MAJOR: Ah, if it isn't ze memorable Alucard... his provider, Sir Integra... ze Bean Counters... und of course - very interesting to see, by ze vay - ze Vatican. How does it feel to vork vith your svorn enemies, Father Maxvell?

MAXWELL: Not as painful as your obnoxious voice.

MAJOR: Ah, come on! Ve used to be friends with ze Vatican! Remember how you aided us in our escape from Germany?

The Reds and Blues were slightly shocked at this but quickly recovered.

MAXWELL: Gur-hrk!

MAJOR: Uh-oh, I guess they veren't supposed to know zat~!

INTEGRA: So that's how you knew about them.

MAXWELL: Arrtf! (resigned sigh) ...Yes.

MAJOR: I'm sure you're chomping at the bit to find out vhat ve have in store for you, nein?

INTEGRA: Nazi army.

MAJOR: ...Wow, just... kill all ze fun! Put ze fun in camps, vhy don't you?

ALUCARD: Yeah, you Fun-Nazi.

INTEGRA: Get to the fucking point!

MAJOR: Vell, mind me if it seems a little too American for you, but... at some time, some place, somezing vill attack you. Maybe. Probably. Could be happening right noooow~!

ALUCARD: Fingers crossed!

MAJOR: But rest assured, zis is no simple incursion... (in background) We have prepared studiously, und soon, ze fruits of our endless dedication will run wild. Und ze blood of Britain shall flow out the English Channel!

--- simultaneously with Major speaking in background ---

SCHRÖDINGER: Fräulein... Fräulein... Fräulein...! HEY, FRÄULEIN!

SERAS: Oi!

(beat)

SCHRÖDINGER: Ve would make beautiful children.

"THE FUCK!!!???" Everyone shouted out in shock

"But what is that? Is it a he, a she? Why the hell does it have cat-ears? WHAT ARE YOU!?" Simmons fustrationly screams.

"Woah Simmons, calm down." Grif requests, "I'm sure you'll figure it out." And the marroon cyborg does so.

--- background speech ends ---

SERAS: Uh...! (blushes)

(Alucard shoots Schrödinger in the face)

ALUCARD: Was that boy/girl bugging you?

MAJOR: Und like zhat, ze var begins!

ALUCARD: Whoops! Did I just accidentally a war?

INTEGRA: Police Girl...

(Seras shoots the TV to pieces)

SERAS: ...Huh. They would've looked rather nice, actually.

INTEGRA: Alright now; Alucard, clean that u-- (notices all traces of Schrödinger have disappeared) ...o-- ...oh (!)

ALUCARD: Oh wow! Looks like he was self-cleaning! And/or magical.

THE QUEEN: Integra? Alucard?

ALUCARD: Yes, sugarlips?

THE QUEEN: When you find him, and when you kill him... I want you to record it, so I can fall asleep to it every night.

"I don't know whether to call her kinky or creepy?" Carolina wonders.

"Would you kill me if I said both?" Tucker asks, only to get a smack to the back of his head from the cyan Freelancer.

ALUCARD: Jesus fucking CHRIST, I'VE MISSED YOU!

MAXWELL: HEY!

ALUCARD: Oh shut up.

(Scene: Nazi HQ)

DOCTOR: Ah, Major, I think that vent vell.

MAJOR: You zhink it vent vell? Herr Doctor, I was there. Und much like our former boss... (flashback to the Colonel being mauled by his subordinates) ...I killed it!

["Jesus!"] Lopaz responded with horror.

SCHRÖDINGER: Let us hope ze Major does not end up ze same! We do not have ze freezer space to store all ze incidental leftovers!

"Wait WHAT!?" Simmons responded loudly, "How did it survive point-blank head-exploding death a live?" he wonders, "It's the most impossible thing, ever, of all time."

"I'm more cursions on his, err, her?, name. I feel as if I've heard it before." the blue and yellow Freelancer heavily questions, even Carolina was slightly deep in thought of it.

MAJOR: Ah, Doctor, usually it is a faux pas to give a pet as a gift... but I love him!

DOCTOR: Major, I am so sorry for his disrespectful disposition!

SCHRÖDINGER: (chuckling)

MAJOR: Ah, don't vorry. I much enjoy some playful cattiness in my staff.

SCHRÖDINGER: Nya!

MAJOR: Nonezheless, it is time for phase two of our operation: Our fräulein's excursion to ze English Channel!

(Scene change)

SOLDIER: Sir! There's an inbound helicopter trying to land!

OFFICER: That seems odd. Commander Violet, do you know--? (Violet emits an inhuman growl) ...OH GOD, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE PURPLE! (Violet kills the officer)

(Scene change)

RIP VAN WINKLE: Zhis is mein favorite kind of ship: Running wis blood und seamen.

(beat)

VIOLET: What?

RIP VAN WINKLE: Ze game!

VIOLET: What game??

RIP VAN WINKLE: You lose! LOL, I'm so random!

"I hope we don't encounter someone like her in the future, Caboose is more than enough to handle alone." Tucker hopes, unknowing of the fate that will fall upon them in the upcoming months.

(beat)

VIOLET: Uh... so... The ship is now under your command, Miss Rip Van Winkle.

RIP VAN WINKLE: Ah~, danke schön~, Captain! Tell me, how did it feel slaughtering your kinsmen, turning zhem into ghouls, betraying your family und country... all for ze selfish desire to become an immortal vampire?

"Wow." the fat orange one responds with bisbelif.

(beat)

VIOLET: Wow, uh, when you put it like that, I feel like kind of a cunt!

RIP VAN WINKLE: Oh, but you know what might make you feel better, Captain?

VIOLET: Uh, what's that--?

(RvW branndishes a musket in his face)

RIP VAN WINKLE: ...Checking your privilege. (shoots Violet)

(Scene: London)

ALUCARD: Walter... if I may confide in you...

WALTER: I temper my sense of decency in expectation.

"This guy clearly knows Alucard very well." Donut said.

["Well they both served in World War 2, so yeah, very well."] the robot's head states.

"Yeah, your right Lopez, he doesn't dress smartly." the lightish-red soldier answers.

["Stop attempting to know what I'm saying!"] Lopez angerly said.

ALUCARD: I am positively throbbing over these guys returning!

WALTER: Well, if it lasts for more than four hours...

"Shoot it off and grow a new one." Donut states.

ALUCARD: Walter, do you know my top three favorite things I've killed are? Third is the Turks... Second is Nazis... Can you guess the first?

WALTER: Your father?

ALUCARD: (claps) Nailed it!

(Scene change)

ANDERSON: I see! Now it's open season for these heathen swine!

MAXWELL: (phone) Alexander, while I mirror your fervor to lay still upon the soulless jowls of the English Church... we have a much bigger foe knocking at our door.

ANDERSON: They knock at the door of Hellsing... and as the wolf huffs and puffs, we shall skewer these pigs ourselves!

"Sounds tasty." Grif cooed, espically when food is been mentioned.

"I don't think he meant it like that, Grif." corrected Simmons.

MAXWELL: I do not know the metaphor on which you draw... but regardless, we must set aside the quarrels of our houses, and unite under the banner of God.

ANDERSON: Ah, I see! So this... is a crusade!

MAXWELL: No, no, no-no-no-no! We don't say that anymore; we're calling it, ah... Damn, what do the American cows say?

ANDERSON: "Peacekeeping"?

MAXWELL: Right...! Now... shall we, keep the peace?

NAZI GRUNTS: FOR MILLENNIUM! (attempt to gun Anderson down, who skewers them all with bayonets)

ANDERSON: (to himself) Only until it's time to slide in the knife!

(Scene change)

PENWOOD: We lost communication with the vessel eighteen hours ago. Currently, it's resting in the Atlantic 300 kilometers off the coast of Pauling.

INTEGRA: Have you acquired visual via satellite?

OFFICER: Yes, and they've left a rather... cryptic message that we've yet to make any sense of.

(Satellite picture shows a vessel with "THE CAKE IS A LIE" painted in blood)

The Reds and Blues laughed at the joke that was made, whereas the Freelancers looked quite confused at what their laughing about.

INTEGRA: ...I... I don't get this. I don't get it.

PENWOOD: None of us know what it means either!

INTEGRA: Is it a reference or something?

OFFICER: Of course, there was one other shot we had, which looks to be someone sitting in the middle with a yellow parasol. Seems a tad random if you ask me.

(Scene change)

RIP VAN WINKLE: Rainbow! Tacos! Doctor Who! Homestuck!

(Scene change)

INTEGRA: This person looks like they're begging for attention...

PENWOOD: And they're about to get it! The Special Air Service has deployed two platoons via helicopter! They'll have visual any moment now.

(beat)

WALTER: Ma'am?

INTEGRA: Wait for it...

(beat)

OPERATOR: We've lost both helis!

OFFICERS: Hmm?! Oh?!

OPERATOR: And that was Portal, by the way. That's Portal. That's... what it's from...

"Ah, good, so where not the only ones who got the reference." Tucker sighs in relief.

PENWOOD: (whimpering)

INTEGRA: Well, this has been fun. Always nice playing audience to this menagerie you call a military... Since it seems like you've got this one on lockdown, I'll leave you to it.

PENWOOD: Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Uh, based on new information that has been presented to us, uh, we have decided we... require the Hellsing Organization and their services.

"Nice save, dipshit." Sarge sarcasically insults.

INTEGRA: You know, it's amazing how much time and people we could save if you'd just ask us in the first place. Walter?

(Walter chuckles as he and Integra leave the room)

WALTER: We're talking a hefty game, Sir Integra. Three hundred kilometers into the Atlantic and they seem to be able to annihilate anything we send at them.

INTEGRA: And we can't send a submarine; it could be a depth charge showcase down there.

"Seems like it's worth a shot." Carolina mentions.

WALTER: Can't go at it from the sides, can't go at it from below...

INTEGRA: So our only option is to hit that son of a bitch from above.

WALTER: Well, we do have one option... However, it was decommissioned in 1998.

"Is he suggesting what I think he's suggesting?" Wash questions.

ALUCARD: The Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird... An advanced long-range strategic reconnaissance aircraft capable of Mach 3 and an altitude of 85,000 feet!

INTEGRA: You sure do seem to know a lot about it...

ALUCARD: DO YOU EVEN READ MY CHRISTMAS LIST?!?!

"He has a 'christmas list'?" Church shocked at that piece of information.

"I have one too." Caboose responds, only to hear a 'shut up, Caboose' from the A.I. fragment.

(Scene: RvW sings to the tune 'of "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley)

RIP VAN WINKLE: ♫ A full commitment's what I'm thinking of ♪

♪ You wouldn't get zhis from any ozher guy ♪

(intercom) ♪ I~ just wanna tell you how I'm feeling ♪

(intercom) ♪ Gotta make you understand ♪

(intercom) ♪ Never gonna give you up ♪

--- simutaneously with RvW intercom singing ---

NAZI GRUNT 1: Ze hell is she singing now?

NAZI GRUNT 2: I have no idea; I think it was popular a couple years back.

NAZI GRUNT 3: At least she is no longer on about ze ponies, and ze friendship,and ze wrapping up of the winter!

"Why am I not surprised?" Carolina sarcastically states.

--- intercom singing ends ---

RIP VAN WINKLE: ♪ Never gonna let you down ♪

♪ Never gonna run around and desert you ♪

♪ Never gonna make you cry ♪

♪ Never gonna say goodbye ♪

♪ Never gonna tell a lie, and hurt you ♫

(music cut-off)

(ragged horrified breathing) IT'S HIM! LIKE ZE MAJOR SAID!

NAZI OFFICER: Uh, mein fräulein Van Winkle, the-- the song was nice, so you don't need to--

RIP VAN WINKLE: PREPARE FOR COMBAAAT! IT'S ALUCAAAAARD!!

NAZI OFFICER: Focus your fire! We are going to tear zhat aircraft apart!

ALUCARD: (satisfied growl)

(Alucard pilots the Blackbird through enemy fire without taking damage)

RIP VAN WINKLE: (thinking) Zey say no man can kill you, Alucard? Zat's because you don't send a man to do a WOMAN'S job!

(RvW takes the Blackbird down (which explodes) with her musket, only for Alucard to immediately reform)

["That's one overpowered rifle."] Lopez says.

"I thing I'm in love!" Sarge sang as he gazes at Van Winkle's weapon.

RIP VAN WINKLE: VHAT?!

(Alucard flies straight into the ship, killing all Nazis on-board (bar RvW) and setting the ship on fire; he then stands up in the inferno while a terrified RvW hides elsewhere)

ALUCARD: So...

RIP VAN WINKLE: AAH!

(Both enemies come face-to-face)

ALUCARD: ...Nice ship you got here.

RIP VAN WINKLE: I-- ...I am Rip Van Winkle... und I COMMAND YOUR RESPECT! (trains her musket on Alucard)

ALUCARD: No. You demand my attention. "And she's about to get it." Tucker remarks, (RvW starts firing bullets) Ow! Oof!

RIP VAN WINKLE: I don't have to take zis from you...! You racist, cisgendered, patriarch-propagating, misogynistic PIG!!

(Alucard deliberately catches a bullet with his teeth, to RvW's shock)

ALUCARD: (garbled) ...The funny thing is... (chomps bullet to dust; normal voice) ...in any other circumstance, you might have had a point there. Except my boss is a woman, I was a chick in the 40s, I hate everyone equally, and there's no one alive who could comprehend my sexual preference! "Probably still more discerning than Jan Valentine." Wash mentions, So in other words, Miss Van Winkle... CH-CH-CH-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE! (socks RvW in the jaw)

RIP VAN WINKLE: AAH-guahh...! Owuh!

(Alucard takes the musket, then grips RvW by the neck, causing her to choke)

V-v-vait...! Vhat are you--?!

ALUCARD: (as he pushes the barrel into RvW's chest) Oh? Haven't you heard the new sensation sweeping the nation? You bitches love cannons. (fires bullet, causing RvW to emit a blood-curdling scream)

"Bitches love cannons." The Reds and Blues also said alongside Alucard.

(Scene: Lights come on in the Nazi HQ)

MAJOR: Gentlemen... Operation Bait Van Winkle is a rezounding success! Alucard is now exactly vhere ve need him to be so we can move forward viss our little... surprise.

However, before ve begin our next phase, I vould like to take some time to address a rumor floating around ze fleet... Some of you have come to believe zat I... like... var. I vish to dash zese rumors! I do not like var...

"Is he going somewhere with this or...?" Doc wonders.

I. (beat) Love. (beat) Var!

Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of war...

You get up in ze morning, you get into your shitty car, und you see a rich CEO, who works half as hard as you do, drive down ze street in his Porsche. Class war!

You make it to vork, und you find out zat ze annual drug test is today, und you just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago before dinner with your wife's awful parents! Drug war.

But zen... you find out zat ze only ones being called in for testing are your black und Hispanic co-vorkers. "SCREW YOU!" Tucker shouts out, Race war!

Zen you try und post about it on your Facebook, but zen all your friends start arguing about vat's right und vat's wrong! Flame war.

You finally get home, und you decide to relax by watching a program about: "Who gets ze box?" "What's in ze box?" "How much is vat's in ze box vorth?" Storage Wars. Hu-hu-hu-hu-hu... hmm...

Vat I am telling you, my Nazi army of one sousand vampires, is that I am a purveyor of war. And wis your help over ze years, ve are now at the precipice of our true goal. You see, I vant a simple var... No class wars, no drug wars, no race wars, no flame wars, und CERTAINLY - no COLD WARS! Blueballed for forty years...

"What about the storage wars?" Donut asks only to be shushed by him teammates.

Vat I vant is a var zat only ve can bring. A true... var! A GERMAN... var! The sequel you've all been vaiting for...!

I! WANT! WORLD! WAR! THREEEE!!!

(Nazi soldiers perform the Nazi salute, then repeat "SIEG HEIL!" ten times)

(Several protagonists are shown, with Alucard the last to appear)

"Their all going to be in for the time of their lives." Simmons mentions.

ALUCARD: Hu-hu-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he! He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! AHH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAA...!! (beat) I better not miss a damn thing.

"I hope we don't either." Church said just before the next episode starts.

Chapter Text

(Scene: City of London)

MAN: Oh come on love, show us your tits! "Pervert." Carolina whisphered, (gets slapped). Well, she declined. Now, let’s get pissed.

MAN 2: Hey Mate. What’s the last thing you thought you’d ever see in the night sky?

"Hey Grif," Simmons called out to his orange armoured friend, "does that question remind you of the question that started all of this?"

"What, the 'why are we here' question?" Grif asked as the marroon soldier nodded, "Yeah, I guess."

MAN: Oh, that’s... that’s a deep question, man, I—-

MAN 2: No, no, cause it’s blimps.

MAJOR: Gentlemen! Ve have made it! (the Nazi’s all cheer) Alright! Achtung! Achtung!

HANS: Woo-wooooo!

MAJOR: Hans, Hans, bring it down a notch.

HANS: Woooo.

MAJOR: Now: Herr Doktor, Captain, First Lieutenant, und our fabulous mascot; please, lead us off!

"Are you still trying to figure out what that cat-person is, Wash? Epsilon wonders to the blue and yellow Freelancer.

"Yeah, but I cannot put my figure on it." Washington frustratingly admits.

HERR DOKTOR: Of course. Everyone, thank-you for coming to the mandatory pre-war seminar. Please open your World War III pamphlets to page 3, as the first two pages merely contain a foreword from Nicholas Cage.

"What, why?" Doc questions confusionly.

MAJOR: Ve have an exciting itinerary of ze evening events. Tonight, ve annihilate LONDON!

NAZI GRUNT: Uh, ALL of London?

MAJOR: ALL of London! Buckingham Palace? Laid to vaste. Big Ben? Toppled to ze GROUND!

NAZI GRUNT: Ze House of Parliament?

MAJOR: Eradicated.

NAZI GRUNT: Ze Tower of London?

MAJOR: OBLITERATED.

HERR DOKTOR: Ze Holocaust Museum?

MAJOR: Leave zat be. No one vill deny vat ve did.

"So much for 'all of England'." Donut commented.

NAZI GRUNT: Vat about London Bridge?

MAJOR: Ja, Ja, "London Bridge is falling down", ve all know ze song. Look, you be ze first to burn it down, you can go ahead and sing it. I don't care. Of course, speaking of music, ze accompaniment tonight has already been selected via survey! Und I hope you are excited as I aaamm. Ze song tonight is more appropriate for ironic reasons. Ze best reasons! But first... a toast... to ze answer of an age old question.

"Please let it be 'War', Please let it be 'War', Please let it be 'War'." Sarge quickly chanted.

(Scenes Of citizens being slaughtered by Nazi Grunts as Edwin Starr’s War plays)

"YEEEEEESSSS!!!" the red armoured sargent cheered.

HERR DOKTOR: Is it everything you hoped for, Major?

MAJOR: Yes, because it means ze destruction of innocent lives.

(Music continues)

MAJOR: Induction. Zen Destruction  WHO VANTS TO DIE?!!! 

(Music continues over the title screen)

"I see why this song was picked now." Tucker said as he shivered at the death and destruction of innocent lives.

(Scene cuts to the meeting between Integra and her financial supporters)

PENWOOD: What do you mean, "He's stuck on the boat"?!

INTEGRA: I mean he’s stuck on the bloody boat! I need you idiots to send a helicopter after him and retrieve him.

PENWOOD: Can’t he fly with his vampire powers?

["Won't that be stereotypical if he did?"] Lopez asks only to be silenced by Sarge.

INTEGRA: What-? ...No-- NO, he can’t fly with his vampire powers!

PENWOOD:: Then how did he get there?!

INTEGRA: On the Blackbird we appropriated!

PENWOOD: You... STOLE the Blackbird?!

INTEGRA: WOULD YOU JUST SEND THE HELICOPTER?!

PENWOOD: WE CAN’T! OUR COMMUNICATION’S ARE DOWN!

"What?" everyone asked at once.

INTEGRA: What??

PENWOOD: They...have been for the last two hours.

INTEGRA: So you're telling me that... as of this moment...  We have no access to Alucard. Communications with our forces and the outside world are down, and the enemy could very well be KNOCKING AT OUR DOOR?!

(Door to the room busts open with operatives.)

"Well, that was perfectly timed." Caboose stated.

REGINALD: Or! Perhaps the enemy was sitting beside you on the round table the whole time!

INTEGRA: Oh, Reggie, this is adorable.

REGINALD: SIR! Reginald! Is my name. I have spent the last five years of my life, cleaning up after YOUR pet vampire! And now! It is time Sir Reginald is paid what he deserves.

INTEGRA: (Amused laughter) You know... I get it now...

(Integra chuckling)

REGINALD: Get what?

INTEGRA: (deep breath) How Alucard FEELS!  Just a little bit, anyway.  (Reggie growls) But I must say, "Sir Reginald," it is QUITE impressive that despite how hilariously amateur this little "coup" of yours is, that you're still managing to hold that gun.

"I don't follow..." the cyan Freelancer mentions.

REGINALD: Gurh...! (Screams of shock)

"Oh, neither mind."

WALTER: Who wants daddy's belt?

"I know someone who might." Donut said out loud.

(Operatives yell and open fire on Walter with no affect)

PENWOOD: (Grunts in surprise)

WALTER: Now think about what you've done.

"I hope he doesn't turn evil because of how dangerous he is." Simmons wished.

(Conference in mixed groans of relief and shock)

INTEGRA: So, Sir Penwood, Are you alright?

PENWOOD: Well... Reginald was actually... my brother-in-law. So... Currently... Processing that...

(Roar of alarms)

OFFICER: Communications are back up! Everything is on fire!

OFFICER2: London Bridge is falling down!

"Don't tell me..." the sword-wielder wished.

PENWOOD: Falling down?!

OFFICER2: Falling down!

"God fucking damnit!"

PENWOOD: London Bridge is falling down...! My fair lady! What should we do?!

INTEGRA: We have to evacuate immediately! Sir Penwood, You could ride with me. The rest of you, carpool.

PENWOOD: No. I'm not going anywhere. I know I'm... not much of a man. I've had a silver spoon in my mouth since the day I was born. This position... It's not suitable for a meek gentlemen like myself. But I'll be damned, I say, if I tuck my tail in between my legs at the first sign of peril! I THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE SIR INTEGRA! BUT I--!

INTEGRA: (Hands a gun) Here's a gun; there are twelve holy bullets. Save one for yourself. (Walks out of conference room with Walter) "Well, that was kind of her." Wash admits, Walter?

WALTER: Yes, Sir Integra?

INTEGRA: Ready the car. We've got a war to win.

(General din of battle)

MAJOR: Ah, yes. Buckingham Palace is burning. Und so are my loins~!

ZORIN: AHEM!

MAJOR: Ah! First Lieutenant former Olympic body builder Zorin Blitz. Sorry, I was understandably caught up in ze moment.

ZORIN: You finally have orders for me, Major?

MAJOR: Ah, indeed, my dear Zorin! You have a very SPECIFIC target.

ZORIN: Where shall my scythe be pointed?

MAJOR: Ze Hellsing Orginization Headquarters.

ZORIN: Yes...!

MAJOR: Und you...

ZORIN: (Increased excitement) Yes~!

MAJOR: ...Shall provide reconnaissance.

ZORIN: (Drops cigarette in shock and screams in frustration)

"She just got cockblocked!" Grif laughed out.

MAJOR: Okay, Zorin! Zorin! I need you to bring it back for me: take a deep breath... Contain... ze calamity... zat is your mammaries.

ZORIN: (Poorly contained Nazi rage)

"The Major has one hell of a vice grip." mentioned Donut.

MAJOR: Zere is no one more eager to see zem bleed zen I! But ze must be CAREFUL! Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, ANY woman who commands the rezpect of a beast such as Alucard is NOT to be trefled vis! Fantasized of on a lonely Saturday night wiz a bottle of Chardonnay? Most certainly. But NOT trifled viz!...

"He's not wrong." Washington confirms.

ZORIN: But she is just VUN VOMAN!

MAJOR:...Und a girl. A police girl! Ze only living vampire sired by Alucard himself. Vhy? Is it her skill? Her unpredictable nature? Ze big titties?! Maybe... Who knows? But I do not gamble viss 'maybes'! You vill act as a vanguard and survey zeir forces. Are ve CLEAR?

ZORIN: Transparently...

MAJOR: Wunderbar! Now, speaking of vich... 

(Scene change)

MAJOR (radio): ...Sargeant Klaus? Have you spotted Frau Hellsink?

SGT. KLAUS: Ja, Major. Driving past Primrose Hill.

MAJOR (radio): Is it on fire?

SGT. KLAUS: It could be more on fire...

(Scene: Integra looking out the car window)

INTEGRA: Eugh... EEAUGH!!!

PENWOOD (radio): At... tion... Anyone listening? I'm not sure if I'm using this correctly... It's been ten years since I've had to operate an analog radio. I... am Sir Penwood, Vice Admiral of the British Security Council. (Scene change: British Security Headquarters) I know things seem bleak to those who are still alive... but steady on. We are still fighting. Each and every one of us. We shall defend Queen and Country... against this decades-old barbarism!

(Door explodes with Nazis charging though)

NAZI OFFICER: (evil chuckle) How valiant of you, Sir Penwood! Defending you post down to the last man.

PENWOOD: Ah... but that's where I must rebuke you... Because where you see one man... I... see... four!

NAZI OFFICER:  (thinking) 'see four...? (out loud)  Haa!  (Sees several charges of C4 explosives at over the room) Haa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa!

"That sly and cunning bastard." Sarge comments, "It's like how I want to go out. Surrounded by my enemies, down on my last legs, and killing everyone in a beautiful blaze of glory!" he visualises.

PENWOOD: When you get to Hell, tell'em Penwood sent you! And then apologize on my behalf for the inconvenience! (Presses thermo-detonator)

(BOOM)

INTEGRA: ...Walter?

WALTER: Yes, ma'am?

INTEGRA: ... Sir Penwood was a- (slam) SON OF A BITCH!

The Reds, Blues and Freelancers burst out laughing at Integra's sudden outburst.

WALTER: Sir Integra? We have a problem.

INTEGRA: Oh my God, the road is on fire!

WALTER: Unfortunately, that's not the worst of it. (Gets out of the car) If you will excuse me, I have to meet with an old friend. You need to take the car, and make your way to the HQ on your own. I believe in you, ma'am.

INTEGRA: Walter... there's something I want you to know...

WALTER: This is no time for goodbyes, Sir Integra.

"Wow, this is surprisenly emotion..." Carolina said.

INTEGRA: No; I... I don't know how to drive. "Wait, what?" you have driven me literally everywhere since I was ten.

"That... kinda makes sense." She replies.

WALTER: Oh... Well, perfect time to learn.

INTEGRA: You come back to me. No matter what. Understood?

WALTER: Understood, ma'am.

INTEGRA: Now, which one's the clutch-? O-KAY! WE'RE DRIVING!!!

"You know, it reminds me of my first time driving." the orange sim-trooper remembered.

"Really? How good ware you?" Tucker asked.

"More like how shit I was, I'm more surprised by how the car was still going after what I did to it."

"Were you not taken in by the police or something?" the cyan sword-wielder questions.

"Pff, no, their as incompatent as trying to safeguard a already robbed vault." Grif compared.

(Both Walter and the Captain exchange grunts. Walter attacks Captain with his strings, they are, however, caught by the Captain.)

WALTER: Oh, brilliant... You haven't aged a day.

(The  Deus Ex Machina flies overhead, broadcasting the Major over the loudspeakers

MAJOR: (loudspeaker) Ah yes, ve have aged like fine vine. You, on ze uzzer hand haveaged like milk... Spoiled, sour... und ruining my meal... (normal) But don't get me wrong, it's still spendid to see you~! Let's have a heart to heart...

INTEGRA: (Driving recklessly) Agh! Shiit! Fuuck! AUGH! SSHIT!

NAZI GRUNT: Zere she is! Johann, tell her to pull over!

("The Flower Duet" by Lakme plays on the radio)

JOHANN: Guten Abend! Could you please pull over? AGH-CK!

NAZI GRUNT: Vell, she declined! (Pulls out rocket launcher) PANZERFAUST!

INTEGRA: (Continues driving while avoiding fire) YOU'VE...! GOT! TO! BE! SHIT! TING! ME!!!

(Car crashes into a wall)

HANS: (Jumps onto the car )Wooooo--! (Decapitaded) Agh-ck!

NAZI GRUNT: Hans! Nein! And he vas having such a good day! He even got to burn down London Bridge! Sing the song! Everything!!!

"Well then he got what he deserved." Wash said out laugh.

INTEGRA: (sarcastic) Con-gra-tu-lations. (Pulls out a cigarette and stomps on Hans head) It took an entire squadron of inhuman, nigh-immortal fake vampires to hunt down and corner a 22 year-old woman.

NAZI GRUNT 2: Zat's a voman?!

NAZI GRUNT 3: She is 22??

"I know right?" Tucker agreed.

INTEGRA: (Blows smoke) I hope it's everything you've dreamed of. So have at it, then! (Takes out sword) Come and get the first fight you've had in 50 years, you DICKLESS COWARDS!

NAZI GRUNT: I'LL STAB YOU IN ZE FUCKING THROOOA--!

(Stabbed by a dozen bayonets and then explodes.)

"Wait? Bayonets?" Epsilon confusionly questions.

["Then that means..."] Lopez fingured out.

(Bible pages fall to the ground and Anderson appears)

"Alexander Anderson!" the Reds and Blues mention.

NAZI GRUNT 3: God's Assassin.

NAZI GRUNT 4: Saint Guillotine.

NAZI GRUNT 2: Ze Angel's Dust!

NAZI GRUNT 5: Judas Priest!

NAZI GRUNT 6: Wait, like ze band?

NAZI GRUNT 5: Zey vere named after HIM!!!

"That's a lot of names." Caboose mentions.

"He must have qiute the reputation, probably on the same level as Alucard." Church states.

"How did he get a band named after him." Grif wonders.

ANDERSON: BY JOVE, ya fuckin' hedder of a woman! Surrounded by 50 vampire Nazis armed literally to the teeth! And waddaya do?! Ya get outta yer fuckin' car, pull out your sword, cut off one'a their heads and yell, "Come at me, ya Kraut shits!" No wonder Alucard wants to plow that virgin soil! I'm thinkin' about growin' some flowers meself! (laughs)

INTEGRA: Alexander Anderson... To what do I owe the unexpected pleasure?

ANDERSON: Ah, yanno... just out and about with me posse!

INTEGRA: "Posse"? (Looks up, seeing countless Iscariot agents on the roof above)

ANDERSON: And look! Yanno how yer pet vampire's got his own pet vampire? Well, that got me thinkin'! So I acquired some learned youngsters m'self! TWO OF 'EM! WHICH IS TWICE AS GOOD! And here's the real kicker: One's Japanese... and the other one's fuckin' German! Ain't that topical?! I just need an Italian one and I've got me an Axis of Righteousness! Yumi! Say somethin' in Moonspeak!

YUMI: Hai...

ANDERSON: Ha ha! And the German one's Heinkel! She shoots things! It's great!

HEINKEL: Pop pop. Watchin' heathens drop.

NAZI GRUNT 2: Ze Iscaritos? Ve're not scared of you! Look at you! You don't even know how to use a bayonet! It goes on ze gun, idiot!

ANDERSON: Now if you'll excuse us, ya English cow, it's time for the Iscariots to do yer job for ya, and put these SOULLESS BODIES wher they belong! In the ground in case ya didn't take- (A Grunt rushes towards him, swiftly cutted down and killed)...In case ya didn't take my meanin'.

NAZI GRUNT 3: KILL ZEM!

(Nazi Grunts begins their attack, rushing at the Iscariots as"Shipping Up to Boston" by The Dropkick Murphy plays)

ANDERSON: WHO ARE WE?!

PALDINS: THE NECESSARY EVIL!

ANDERSON: WHY ARE WE NECESSARY?!

PALDINS: TO PURGE THE WORLD OF EVIL WORSE THAN MAN!

ANDERSON: AND WHY ARE WE GOD'S CHOSEN FEW, ORDAINED TO UNDERTAKE UNHOLY TASK?!?

PALDINS: BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL!

ANDERSON: (Crosses blades) AND BECAUSE IT'S FUCKIN'... FUN!!! (Mad laughter as Anderson slaughters the Nazis) AHAHAAAAAAAAAMEN!!!

(Title screen)

(Scene changes to the burned out ruins of the HMS Eagle, after Alucard crashed onto the boat and killed Rip Van Winkle.)

ALUCARD: (Sniffs the air) Something's burning...

"... Pfhhh, way to state the obvious." Sarge said.

"What does that mean, he smelled London buring down from the ship?" Simmons throeises.

"Nah, the ship was burning too." Grif replies.

["I'm surprised the thing is still floating"] Lopez comments.

Chapter Text

Nazi: Please, no! I'll worship your Go-

Alexander Anderson: [kills him with his bayonet] Ha...!

"I think he's having too much fun killing them." Doc said cautionly.

Heinkel Wolfe: I zhink zat was ze last one. Good zhing, too. I fear you're running out of bayonets.

"The fuck? This guy probably has bayonets for days." Sarge commented.

Anderson: Care to correct yourself?

Heinkel: [empties guns] S-sorry, sir! You have bayonets for days!

"Damn right he does." he continues.

Anderson: Bayonets for days.

Father D'Giorno: Father Anderson, I believe I speak for all of us when I ask: Why did we go out of our way to save this... [camera points at Integra] Erh...

Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Woman.

D'Giorno: I didn't want to assume.

"You would think the catholics didn't side with the SJWs, considering the butt stuff." Donut mentions in curosity.

Integra: I was actually wondering that myself. Alucard would have left Maxwell to die. Probably after putting a bullet in his leg.

"Or shooting him in the dick," everyone looked at Simmons, who was the one who spoke, "I mean come on its Alucard, he would do that." Everyone nodded in agreement to the marroons sim-trooper's words.

"The perfect bastard." Grif jealousyly groaned.

Anderson: I am a man of three things: God, virtue, and disobeying that tramp Maxwell when it suits me! "Sounds familiar." Carolina states, referring to Alucard, And if I'd let the woman die, I'd have been none of the three!

Integra: Wait, so... you just defy your master's orders on a whim?

"So he's basically Alucard 2.0? No wonder those two have such 'hard-ons' for each other." Washington figures out.

Anderson: [cheerfully] Aye!

Integra: ...Good God, it's strange to see this from the outside.

"[I know, right?]" Lopez agrees.

[series logo appears, behind it flies a zeppelin and a scene goes to the bridge/command center inside]

Captain: Lieutenant Zorin Blitz, ve are just outside ze Hellsing perimeter. Ve shall maintain zhis position as ve observe- [interrupted by Zorin]

Lieutenant Zorin Blitz: No! All hands to battle stations.

Captain: But... Ma'am... Our orders-

Zorin: I have been vaiting for zhis var for over fifty years. I have been given veapons, men, AND a target. I vill not be cockblocked to the point of entry by that little blond toad! "The hate boners are stong in this one." Epsilon assumes, I... no, VE vill get vhat ve have coming to us. Now Captain, launch ze V-1s!

Captain: [with a dramatic delay] Yes ma'am! [launches the V-1s]

[V-1s get shot and explode]

Zorin: [shocked, cigarette falls out of her mouth] Status report! ANYONE!

Helmsman: Vell, uh, ze V-1s launched. And zhen zey blew up! But not vhere zhey were supposed to! Like, vay too soon!

Zorin: I CAN SEE ZAT! VHY!?

Captain: Reports say it's sniper fire!

"That's bullshit, no gun can shoot that far!" Tucker argues.

"The only way they could shoot that far is if they had a cannon." Epsilon counters.

Zorin: Kilometers avay? YOU ARE USELESS! GET ME A FUCKING VISUAL!

[Searchlights shown over the Hellsing HQ and the zeppelin crew react shocked at the sight of Seras and her Harkonnen II]

"Aaaaaand, SHOWTIME!" Caboose shouts out in excitement.

"I think I'm in love with her weaponry." Sarge said out loud with no shame for Seras' oversized arsenal on her back.

Zorin: [lets out a frustration grunt]

[The camera changes to the Hellsing control room, where Pip Bernadotte is sitting and smoking a cigarette]

Pip Bernadotte: Twenty four out of twenty four, ma chère. You must be a bane to clay pigeons everywhere.

Police Girl: Actually, if you wouldn't mind Mr. Bernadotte, my name is Seras Victoria.

Pip: How peculiar! I was under ze impression by ze rest of ze staff zat your name was "Police Girl."

"HA!" Church laughed out.

Police Girl: [brief pause] You know what? [sighs] Fine, "Ma chère" it is. Just pay attention for any possible incoming-

Pip: So, ma chère, tell me a little bit about yourself.

"He's joking, right?" Tucker wonders.

Police Girl: Y-You're serious...

"There's a time for socialising this isn't it." Wash admonished.

Pip: Come now, we know so little about one another. And let's be honest, zis may be ze last chance we get to share. So ma chère, what is it like growing up in England?

[Seras gets flashbacks of the brutal murder of her parents]

"Holy shit!" Everyone comments in shock.

Police Girl: [bluntly] I grew up in Leeds... Nothing happened.

Pip: Sounds boring.

Police Girl: YES... it was. [sighs] How about you?

Pip: Oh, ummm, in ze french countryside, with my-

[Flashback to a cottage in the woods.]

Young Pip: Grand-père... Is it true? [sobs] Is it true what the children in school say? Zat you are mercenary? Zat you kill people?

Pip's Grand-père: Oh, little Pip. It is much more zhan "killing people". It has many complicated facets. I once helped topple a fascist Souz African government in a week. I mean, it was replaced by anozer in two, but I still got paid.

Young Pip: But Grand-père! My fellow school children only taunt and bully me for it!

Grand-père: Wait, quoi? How are you not ze coolest kid in school? "Yeah, how?" Grif asks in confusion, Who is it who dares to mock you? Is it zat son of ze butcher, Jean Paul? Perhaps zat little piggy shall find a grenade in his lunch box, so when he opens it, it pulls ze pin.

"Why didn't I try that before!" the Red leader brainstormed as he looks at Grif

"Sarge, no, the whole 'Red vs Blue' thing is false, so stop it with trying to kill your, uh... allies?" Wash pleeded

"The Blues? Nah, I was thinking doing it to Grif than those dirty Blues." he admits.

Young Pip: Please do not kill my friends...

Grand-père: Oh, mon cher petit-fils~ I'm not going to do it.

Young Pip: ...Quoi?

"That's... the most terrorfying think to do to a child." Doc said while shaking at the thought of it.

[Back to the present day,]

Police Girl: Oh my god!

Pip: Oh, relax! It was a flash bang! A little bit of tinnitus never hurt anyone. "[You sure about that?]" Lopez questions, Now, how about zese Nazi fucks?

Police Girl: Well, I've got a couple of grenades for them. They ain't flashbangs, though.

Pip: Ah, but zey'll flash and zey'll bang, just how I like it. Now, give zem a proper Hellsing welcome.

Police Girl: So, a mountain of over-the-top violence, swearing and unnecessary screaming?

"Yep." Everyone admits and agrees.

Pip: Exactement.

Police Girl: OUI FUCKING MONSIEUR!!!

[Yuri Temirkanov's "Dies Irae" starts playing]

Pip: OPEN FIRE!

[With a savage scream, Seras peppers the zeppelin with AA rounds, killing several workers on board]

Helmsman: Ve are being shredded lieutenant!

Zorin: Tell me somezhing new!

[Seras destroys two of the zeppelin's engines]

Helmsman: Vell, ve just lost two engines!

"Oooh, well things aren't looking good for them." Doc said with mock pity.

"[Well they shouldn't have messed with the Hellsing Organisation.]" Lopez comments.

Zorin: CUNT!!!

Captain: Ma'am, ve can't keep taking this kind of damage! We're going to crash!

Zorin: Zen give me ramming speed captain, right into zat bitch!

Captain: Vich bitch lieutenant?

Zorin: Zat bitch with the CANNONS!

"And bitches, loves, CANNONS!" Sarge screams out.

[The zeppelin heads straight at Seras]

Pip: Alright ma chère, how bout you flash zem ze goods?

[Seras lifts up her guns to show two grenades attached before firing them hitting the zeppelin, which then proceeds to fall out the air and crash]

Zorin: [Screaming in anger as the zeppelin crashes] CUNT!!!

Pip: And zat, is how ze cookie fumbles.

Police Girl: It's "crumbles".

Pip: Oh~, like England.

Thit's insenstive!" Epsilon notes.

Police Girl: Can you... not right now?

Pip: I am French, so... no.

"A bit of a dick-move, but understandable." the A.I. fragment comments.

Mercer: Holy shit, guys! I think we killed them all!

Hebert: [looking through binoculars] Hey Mercer, try not to choke on your fucking foot!

[The Nazi Vampires are seen climbing out of the rubble led by Zorin]

"Oh fuck!" Grif groans in fear.

Pip: Quick reminder to everyone on the ground floor... zese are vampires. Much like ma chère, zey won't go down zat easy. And a night on ze town and a little bit of wine won't woo zem over. You will have to show zem zat you care. Make zem feel like zey're ze only thing zat exists to you in zhis world. And zen, when zey finally open zeir legs... give zem everyzing, and leave nothing.

"What. The. Fuck." Simmons said as he tries to understand what Pip was getting at with his little speech.

Zorin: Vat's our head count?!

Nazi Sergeant: Eins, zwei, drei... a-a lot, a lot, zere's a lot.

Zorin: Good. Zen your orders... are to SLAUGHTER THEM ALL!!!

[The Nazi Vampires charge towards the Hellsing HQ.]

Police Girl: Should I hold my position Mr. Bernadotte?

Pip: No ma chère, you've already been on top, now give us a turn.

[The Nazi Vampires continue running towards Hellsing HQ when one of them steps on a landmine.]

Nazi Vampire 1: Oh, landmines... [beeping] Oh! LANDMI-[landmine explodes]

[Several other Nazi Vampires are blown up by landmines whilst screaming "Landmines!"]

Epsilon laughed, "Their like those seagulls from 'Finding Nemo'." as he continues to laugh.

"You would think they would stop after the first one exploded." Tucker said.

"I don't think they can look with how fast there moving." Simmons throeises.

Nazi Vampire 2: Holy Shit! They planted landmines!

Pip: Oh, zey found the landmines.

Police Girl: [shocked] Oh my God, they planted landmines?! We walk our dogs out there!

"Those poor, poor doggos." Doc mourned

Nazi Vampire 2: Okay, ve have to stay calm! Nobody move a inch! Ve vait for Zorin, we'll pull back....

[One of the Wild Geese presses of detonator, causing several planted explosives to detonate in slow motion with grapeshot.]

"Did they really think that would work?" Sarge asks.

"well, they don't seem very smart." Caboose notices.

Nazi Vampire 2: [slowed down] And ve'll- OH SHI-!

[Several more vampires get splattered by the grapeshot debris.]

Pip: Alright men, you know ze drill: If it moves, it dies. If it dies, you move on. Keep zose grenades coming, keep ze bullets raining, and most importantly... have fun. I'm going to have a smoke. [Pulls out a lighter.]

Willingham: No offence sir, but you're being awfully casual about this. I mean, as casual as usual, "Way too casual to be on a battlefield." the cyan Freelancer corrects, but aren't we dealing with Bram Stoker meets Castle Wolfenstein shit here?

Pip: Honestly Willingham, we were prepared for a full-on tactical assault. Instead we got a volley of swastika-covered dipshits running dick-first into enemy territory.

Willingham: Still kinda crazy thought, isn't it?

Pip: Oh oui. If you told me two years ago when we were either starting or ending a war in ze Middle East, zat we'd end up fighting Nazi Vampires, I'd have kissed you full on ze mouth! But now, all I feel is robbed. [Closes lighter.]

Willingham: Well, if it make you feel any better, there's a giant woman outside.

"Yeah... wait, what?" the blue idiot quickly questions in confusion.

Pip: ...Quoi?

[Mega Zorin is seen materialising into a giant and laughing maniacally, while everyone inside the Hellsing mansion is frozen with fear, Pip runs out of the control room to the hall.]

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!" Everyone shouted out in shock at 'Mega' Zorin.

Pip: SAINTE PUTAINE DE MERDE!!

Mercer: What?!

Police Girl: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!

Pip: What she said!

Mega Zorin: Peekaboo~! I'LL KILL YOU~!!!

"THAT IS TERRORFIYING AS SHIT!" Doc scream out.

[Zorin slices through the mansion with her scythe while everyone inside screams and runs in fear.]

Pip: I want to go back to ze Middle East...

[Zorin slices once again through the mansion.]

Erholtz: SHE'S GONNA KILL US ALL!!

Mercer: FUCKING... DEMON... BITCH!!

Hebert: Oh.. Tscch... I lost an arm...

"How can he be so calm about lossing an arm!?" the orange sim-trooper panicly asked.

[Police Girl falls to her knees in utter despair.]

Police Girl: [thinking] We're gonna die... To a giant German Nazi vampire woman with a scythe... That screaming homeless man on the train was right!

[Cue in: The Crimson Fucker.]

Alucard: Hahahahaha! You're kidding me, right?! This basic bitch has you believing she's a giant.

"[Oh shit, I completely forgot about you.]" the head of a robot admits.

"Don't worry Lopez, I'm sure someone will build you a new body at some point or another." the lightish-red soldier said reassuringly.

"[Oh fuck off, pinky!]" Lopez insults.

Police Girl: Master? Where-

Alucard: On a boat in the middle of, uh... The fucking, I don't know, Atlantic? Eh, fuck it, the ocean. Anyways, you need to whip out that third eye of yours and-

"But she doesn't have a third eye." Epsilon wonders.

"In some religion's it thought that the third eye is the eye of the mind." Doc answered

Police Girl: But... Master, I-I only have two eyes.

Alucard: No, you have three eyes. You're a vampire.

Police Girl: Do you have three eyes?

Alucard: Sweetheart, I've got so many eyes. Eyes for days.

Police Girl: Eyes for days?

Alucard: Eyes for days. "Oh god, the comparions are alining." Washington notices between Alucard and Anderson, Now, look past your own self...

Police Girl: Eh.. How, eh...

Alucard: OH MY GOD, GO CROSSEYED, JESUS!!

[Police Girl follows orders and escapes Zorin's illusion.]

Erholtz: PLEASE DON'T STICK ME IN YOUR GIANT VAGINA!!

"WHAT!!!?" the Reds, Blues, and Freelancers scream in shock.

Mercer: DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Hebert: Welp, high-fives are gonna suck now... [grunts]

Police Girl: [looking at everyone still hypnotised] Hold on... Did she- Aw, come on!

Pip: Open ze doors of hell for me, Grand-père. I'm coming home.

Police Girl: [whilst taking her rifle off the floor] Oh for Christ's sake.

[Police Girl points the rifle out a window and uses her vampire vision to shoot the real Zorin, grazing her cheek.]

Zorin: Augh! My face, you CUNT!!

Police Girl: You cunt touch this!

"Boo!" Grif calls out at the bad one-liner.

Mega Zorin: [lets out an angry growl as she disappears]

[The Wild Geese slowly come out of the illusion and get a hold on themselves... Kinda.]

Hebert: Holy shit, my arm's back!

Erholtz: Oh, thank God! I thought she was going to crush me... With her giant vagina!

Mercer: Okay, what does your Internet history look like?!

"I'm afraid to look into his internet histroy is. Hell I'm scared of what Carolina looks though." Church honestly comments.

Police Girl: [shaking Pip] Mister Bernadotte! It was just an illusion, like push-up bras or stilettos!

Pip: Wait! You wear a push-up bra?

Police Girl: I don't wear a bra.

[momentary silence]

"Bow-chicka-bow-wow!" the cyan swordsman states.

Wild Geese Member: ...Ooohhh my God.

[A Nazi Vampire bursts in through the window.]

Erholtz: They figured out the landmines!

Pip: I fucking noticed! [One of the vampires bites another Wild Goose on the neck.]

Police Girl: [As she sticks the barrel of her riffle into the vampire's mouth] Eat schnitzel in hell! [pulls the trigger, blowing his head off.]

Pip: "Eat schnitzel in hell"?

"That was better, but still terrble." Grif criticises.

Police Girl: Oh, my apologies! What would you have said?

Pip: Don't be so sauer, kraut! [Everyone begins laughing.]

Erholtz: Ninety-nine dead balloons.

Andrande: Hasta l'auf wiedersehen!

"OK, those ones were better." the orange sim-trooper continues.

"Why are criticising about one-liners?" Simmons questions his orange partner.

"Just something to do, I guess." 

Police Girl: [giggling and struggling to think of a joke] You've... been... autobahned! [The laughter stops.] Like the- like the autoba-

Pip: Ve should get a move on!

Police Girl: Oh, choke on a baguette of dicks!

Pip: Now listen ma chère, we are in ze zhick of it! Zey are getting close, and we cannot pull out now. We shall continue to hold zem off as long as we can, but we need you to flank zem and-

Police Girl: This is a reach-around joke, innit?

"Probably." Donut states.

Pip: Bon Dieu! I'm becoming predictable. Whatever, listen! If the British are good at anything, it's hunting, and you are hunting ze deadliest game of all.

Police Girl: Nazi vampires.

Pip: Dammit, that used to sound so cool! But zen you say it so much and "Nazi vampires" just sounds stupid!

"Yeah, it's just going dry every time someone says it now." Sarge groans in disappointment.

Police Girl: Oh, right? Maybe we'll find something else, like maybe a Nazi werewolf.

Pip: Merde, zat sounds so much worse! "Agreed." Doc admits, [Missiles explode against the side of the mansion.] Oh right, World War Trois. Ma chère! Like a high-class escort, make zhem pay for every inch.

Police Girl: I can't believe I find you attractive. [She turns and runs down the hall.]

Pip: Pardon quoi? [realisation] Wait, what?!

Willingham: Uh, so sir, what's the over/under on us finishing this mission alive?

Pip: About as good as any of us actually getting laid tonight.

Which means zero." Carolina clarifies to Caboose.

Willingham: I dunno, those vampires do look kinda rapey.

Hebert: Holy shit, dude!

Willingham: Oh, who the fuck am I offending? The NAZIS?!

"I hate to admit it, but, he does have a point." the cyan Freelancer agreed.

[Cut to Father Maxwell lying on a deck chair with a newspaper over his face.]

Riegel: Uh, Bishop Maxwell?

Maxwell: Ah, shit. I fell asleep waiting. You'd think watching London turn into a literal hell-scape would keep you riveted, but once the screams died down... [He looks across the English Channel, where the glow from London's fires can be seen on the horizon.] So, what did I miss?

Riegel: Well, according to the reports, America is imploding.

"Okay... but why and how though?" Sarge demanded.

Maxwell: So, Millennium has infiltrated them as well.

Riegel: No... actually.

Maxwell: Okay... Well, have the Papal Knights arrived yet?

Riegel: Actually, we were unable to conscribe them into our efforts.

Maxwell: What?!

Riegel: Ah- but do not worry, Bishop Maxwell! We were able to get some... Eager volunteers.

Maxwell: Volunteers?

[The camera pans into different shots of the volunteers in their Klassic Krusader Knights outfit.]

"Woh, shit, that's a lot of KKK-looking assholes." Tucker stated in shock. 

Andrea: From Italia, I am brother Andrea Marco Francesco Luco Mateo Alhandro Lozendro Fredrico-

"Wow, that's a long name." Grif said.

Maxwell: Yes, yes. And your order?

Andrea: I bring with me the Pure Noble Ordine della Rossa del Corna di Resa San Bartironmeto, alla Serieta del Segni Torre Derise del Sito [this name is yet to be confirmed]...

"And that's even longer." Donut said.

[Maxwell grunts in frustration]

Andrea: Divisione Ricettazione. We bring 510 paladins of the order.

Maxwell: [Sigh] Grazie. And you?

Diego: From Mexico, Don Diego de la Vega! I bring: The Mexican Inquisition.

Maxwell: I did not expect you.

Diego: No one ever does! We bring 888 conquistador inquisitors!

Bartłomiej: Shalom! Bartłomiej Jeleniak from Poland! I bring the sacred order of the Temple Beth Zion!

Maxwell: Oh, I've... not heard of your order. You're... sure you're Catholic?

Bartłomiej: Eh... Of course!

Maxwell: You worship the Lord Jesus Christ?

Bartłomiej: Hey, if we're killing Nazis, I'll worship a side of bacon. We bring 447 mënschen.

Puiser: Hey bud, Abbot Puiser from Canada, bud. "Fuck off! No one asked for Canada for help!" Sarge screamed in fury, I bring the crusaders of the Salvation Army. Fuck bro, let's kill us some gays!

"[What do they have against gay people?]" Lopez  questions.

Maxwell: Nazis.

Puiser: Yeah, sorry, whatever. We bring 509 holy hosers, eh?

Maxwell: Glad to have you, now let's-

Jed: Now I gotta say, I'm a little uncomfortable killin' Nazis. "Is that what I think it is?" Donut whispers to himself, Some of my best friends are Neo Nazis! Then again, these are those classic-type Nazis, so...

Maxwell: Mi scusi. And you are...?

Jed: Jed Forrest, from the South Carolina Baptist Confederate Congregation! I got me here some 300 n' change good ol' boys from the Knights of the Hangin' Noose.

Maxwell: Wow, alright, okay! Thank you for... swinging by... Oh God!

Jed: No worries. Now I noticed y'all brought some crosses to burn. If ya run out, don't worry, 'cause Jim brought more in his truck!

Maxwell: That's uh... really not necessary-

Jed: Jim, how many more crosses we got in that truck!?

Jim: 'Bout a few!

Jed: 'Bout a few.

Maxwell: This is going to be a long crusade. "Ok, so Maxwell has about 2,145 KKK guys, that's scary for what Maxwell has planned for them." Washington shivers, Listen up! Those who have come to serve the unyielding Word of our Almighty God. We've come together this night, under the glow of the London inferno in the eyes of our Lord for one divine reason... [drapes an extravagant stole around his shoulders] FUCK THE NEW POPE!!

"Really? That's his reason for summoning those guys. To replace the Pope." Doc wonders with confusion and disappointment.

"That, is the stupid reason, ever, of all time." Tucker admits.

[Everyone begins cheering. Scenes of Pope Francis in real life are seen as Maxwell talks.]

Maxwell: That Argentinian windbag has ruined us! Prattling on and on about the poor! We are the house of God, not a fucking soup kitchen!

Andrea: Thank you! Even we're sick of feeding people, and we're Italian!

Maxwell: And what does he do with the golden throne? Replaces it with a wooden chair! Probably carved by more poor people!

Diego: Jesus was a king first, carpenter second!

Maxwell: And do not start me on the homosexuals! Oh, if you love them so much, why don't you fucking marry them?! You seem so okay with the concept!

Puiser: Yeah, fuck bro! It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and another dude and they're havin' sex!

"And if so, how would they reproduce?" Simmons wonders. While the others look at the marroon trooper with caution.

Maxwell: And he has the gall to renounce the Old Testament as mere stories! "We should be more like Jesus and congregate with whores, and homosexuals, and poor people!"

Bartłomiej: Yeah! Perhaps we can all just agree that, maybe, Jesus WASN'T the son of God!

"Then wouldn't that go against everything you guys stand for?" Epsilon questioning their believes.

Maxwell: We are the congregation of a wrathful God. We shall begin a new Papal succession, and I shall lead us in a Ninth Crusade, for I am your leader... THE NEW POPE! And after we are finished purging England of its demons and heathens, WE... WILL...

Jed: ROUND UP ALL THOSE DIRTY NI-

"WOOH!!!" the Reds and Blues called out.

"Even we wouldn't say such a word, you asshole!" Carolina stated strongly

Maxwell: Okay, you need to chill!

[Series logo appears.]

Chapter Text

[open on Nazi vampires snacking on corpses]

"Those damn monsters." Tucker cursed out watching the gory scene.

Nazi Grunt: Gruber?

Gruber: Hmm?

Nazi Grunt: ..Are we bad people?

"Ar-are they really asking that?" Carolina said incredously.

"Well we already knew these guys weren't the smartest of the bunch," Epsilon said, "this is just proof."

Gruber: [swallows] It's a matter of perspective, really.

Nazi Grunt: From these men's perspective?

Gruber: Oh, absolutely! But, to be fair.. I think we kind of tipped that Jenga tower by being Nazis in the first place.

"You think?" Grif questions.

"Oh, yeah, definitely." Simmons answers.

Nazi Grunt: Ya, ya.. I guess the whole 'eating them' is just.. salt on the wound.

Gruber: Agh, don't say 'salt' to me! These mercs are so bland! They could use-- [Seras opens gunfire on them]

Seras: How's THAT for some SALT?! [silence] ..UGH! God D**N it! What's the point of comin' up with all these one-liners if'n they're all dead when I say 'em?!

"It wasn't a really good one-liner to begin with." Grif comments.

Nazi Grunt: [outside] To be fair, it wasn't really that funny to begin with!

Seras: [shoots through the offending grunt] It's a matter of perspective, really.

"That's gonna be a running gag this episode isn't it?" Doc asks Church.

"Sound like it." Epsilon answers.

[OPENING TITLECARD]

Bernadotte: B Wing! What's your location?

Miller: HR department!

Bernadotte: And your status?

Miller: You ever been fisted up to the elbow before?

Bernadotte: ..Jaffe, I could use your expertise!

"Okay, what the hell does that guy's search histroy look like?" Tucker wonders.

"Why do you want to know?" Grif asks.

"Well it would be an explanation for the guy's weird taste!" Tucker explains.

Jaffe: Hey, FUCK YOU, man!

Bernadotte: Read the room! [to Miller] So.. I'm guessing you're in some shit!

Miller: I just saw a man's FACE get eaten! One bite, like that asshole owl with the fuckin' Tootsie Pop, man!

"Oh God." Donut said.

"That mustn't have been a good sight to see." Caboose mentions.

Dying Grunt: How many licks did it take? [laughs and coughs]

"That wasn't a very funny joke." the cyan Freelancer mutters.

Bernadotte: Just hold out! The police girl is on her way!

"Where is she by the way?" Caboose questions.

"Well, there's a lot of vampires around the mansion." Tucker notices.

Miller: Sir.. I'm not gonna lie to you; we're pinned here, all my men are dead or dying, and I'm runnin' out of bullets.

Bernadotte: Miller.. it was an honor serving with you.

"Sarge saluted Miller while Grif toasted him.

Miller: ..What the FUCK?!

"What!?" Sarge said rhetorically.

Bernadotte: What?

Miller: What's THAT cheap shit?! You're not gonna to tell me to fall back or fight through?!

"Why would he?" Simmions asked.

Bernadotte: Well.. I-I mean, can you?

Miller: Of fucking COURSE not!

"So then why!?" Sarge shouted out.

Bernadotte: Well, then, why the FUCK would I say it?!

Miller: It's a cliché, dammit! And a good god d**n one, at that!

"Really, a cliche?" Carolina and Washington deadpanned.

"Well, people love cliches." Epsilon said and shrugged.

Bernadotte: Fine, fine, whatever! Okay, sure! ..Don't you FUCKING give me that, Miller! Fall back and make it--

Miller: No, no.. it's-it's ruined. It's disingenuous.

"[Wouldn't it always be disingenuous?]" Lopez questions.

Bernadotte: It was ALWAYS going to be disingenuous!

Miller: Well, SO IS WHAT'S COMIN' NEXT!

Bernadotte: Wait, no, Miller, choose life.

"Now that's disingenuous." Simmons comments

Miller: COME AND GET ME, YOU BLOOD-CHUGGIN' COCKHOLES! [Zorin's magic creates an illusion] ..What the fuck?

Little Girl: Daddy! It's me, daddy! Welcome home!

Miller: You're not my daughter..

Little Girl: Of course I am, daddy! I--

Miller: No, seriously; I got a vasectomy right out of high school.

"Oof, that sucks." said Tucker.

Little Girl: ..I meant.. I'm your niece!

Miller: Nope.. I'm an only child.

[little girl transforms into Sonic the Hedgehog]

"What the hell!?" Everyone yelled out seeing Sonic with an erection.

Sonic: ..I've been waiting for you, Miller! [hugs the Sonic and is split in two for his trouble]

"Why did he hug that... thing!?" Carolina asked in disgusted.

Zorin: Real quick.. does anyone want to explain what we just witnessed?

The room anxiosly awaited the reason to witness such a horrible thing.

Nazi Grunt: Uh, I think that was Sonic the Hedgehog from the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise by Sega.

Zorin: Okay, but.. why did it have a foot-long erection?

Nazi Grunt: The fanbase is.. diverse.

Zorin: You mean, fucking weird!

"Zorin's right." Carolina agrees.

Nazi Grunt: It's a matter of perspective, really.

[cut to the mercenaries]

Jaffe: No one else is gonna say it?! Fine! I fuckin' will! I wish Alucard was here! Yeah!

Grunt: Really, Jaffe?

Jaffe: Yes, REALLY! Because when he was around, shit wasn't so scary! If anything, it was fuckin' hilarious! But ever since he left, everything's so god d**n serious! Like there's something MISSING!

"That's true." Washington admits.

Grunt: Hey, we're doin' pretty okay without him! It's.. our time to shine, you know?

"And by shine they mean be killed." Doc said almost darkly.

Jaffe: DUDE! Let's face it, we fucking SUCK and no one likes us!

Bernadotte: So, okay! Let's grab some kneepads, a stiff drink, and gobble his COCK! You want to sit back and whimper like the little pre-school bitch you are? Go ahead! But Alucard isn't here; he's on a FUCKING boat, and there's not a GOD D**N thing we can do about it! So do some FUCKING soul-searching, or locate the shattered remains of your testicles, and hope - like always - that the girl comes first, before that barricade gives way, and YOU'RE made into the world's whiniest Lunchable!

"That's a great speech." Washington applauded.

"Bit too crass in my opinion." Carolina said.

Jaffe: Oh! Oh, right! The police girl! Where the metaphorical fuck is SHE?!

[cut to Seras]

Seras: Welp! Looks like Human Resources has been.. PROCESSED.. I'd feel worse about that if they ever did ANYTHING about all the sexual harassment! Yet you'd think Alucard was the worst offender...

"What?" Everyone confusingly wonders.

[flashback]

Sir Integra: Hello.. Police Girl...

Seras: ..Sir?

[present]

Willingham: Not like you to have a girl clean up your mess, sir.

Bernadotte: Heh! You're not wrong, Willingham! But even with all these men, this isn't the kind of load we can handle on our own. Hopefully, those ASSHOLES are out of rockets...

"Aaaand they just jinxed themselves." Grif calls out.

"You would know." Tucker shot back.

[outside]

Panzer Grunt: Ma'am, we have an ABUNDANCE of rockets! Shall we bombard them?

"Yep, knew it." the orange sim-trooper mutters.

Zorin: Oh, nein! I want to see how this.. "Panzers" out?

"Was... that a pun?" the cyan Freelancer asks her blue and yellow ally.

"I think sooo..." he trailed off.

Panzer Grunt: Oh? OH!

Zorin: Oh?

Panzer Grunt: OH! [laughs and sighs] And they say we Germans can't be funny! [fires into the conference room]

Grunt: [in background] C'mon, move it! Move it!

Bernadotte: [grunts] The least those FUCKERS could do is give us some warning before they pull it out and blow it all over our backsides! [grunts in pain] And now this wood is going to give me a limp! Like usual.. Willingham! Can you take care of this for me? [gasps]

Willingham: [severely injured] C-can you.. bring it over here?

"Holy shit!" Everyone shouts out while Tucker covers Caboose's visor.

Bernadotte: Willingham! Oh.. SHIT! Uh..

Willingham: How's it look?

Bernadotte: ..Probably how it feels.

Willingham: I'm imagining crushed raspberries..

"How is he still alive!?" Simmons screams out, almost fainted.

Bernadotte: Yeah.. that about right.

Willingham: Captain.. listen: there's one thing I need to say before I die..

Bernadotte: What is it, Willingham? My friend! My brother!

Willingham: You fuckin' SUCK at pickin' our contracts! [dies]

"Is everyone going to die like cop-outs?" Donut asks Epsilon.

He shrugs, "Probably." Church answers.

Bernadotte: Au revoir.. mon cul préféré! [Goodbye.. my favorite asshole!]

Tony: Hey, God? It's me! Tony! If only one of us makes it out of here alive.. PLEASE let it be ME!

Andy: Hey, God? It's Tony's friend, Andy. Fuck Tony!

"Why are they arguing about who dies, aren't they friends?" Caboose questions.

"They aren't true friends." Tucker explains.

[outside]

Panzer Grunt: I think I'm going to fire this one at.. Tony!

Zorin: YES! FUCK. THEM. ALL!

Panzer Grunt: [tries to fire, but the gun jams] You're kidding me! It's jammed! Oh.. this is embarrassing-

"Looks like God decided to spare both of them." Donut said.

[Seras appears and begins taking out the Nazis]

Bernadotte: Throw your hands up, gentlemen! The cavalry has arrived!

"Yay!" Caboose and Donut yelled out.

Grunts: Yay..!

Dying Nazi: Oh, GOD, they shot me in the ASS!

Zorin: Well, well, well! If it isn't the loyal police girl!

"[Why does everyone keep calling her that?]" Lopez wonders.

Seras: All right, you know GOD D**N well what my name is!

Zorin: You're right, I do.. but there's so much more I want to LEARN! [digs into Seras' memories]

Police Chief: I see.. so you're looking to become a police officer? Not surprising, given what happened to your family..

"What? What happened to her parents?" Simmons asks.

Zorin: Ah, I see! Did something happen to Mommy and Daddy? [laughs] Let's take a look!

Headmaster: The sister here says you stabbed the boy in the eye with a PENCIL!

"WHAT!?" the Reds and Blues yelled out in shock.

Young Seras: [thinking] I'll stab your mother in the CUNT!

"Damn Seras, chill out." said Epsilon.

Headmaster: Young lady, how do you expect to be adopted if you continue this behavior?

"But why would she be up for adoption? What happened to her family?" Wash now questions.

Young Seras: [thinking] I don't want to be adopted, I WANT YOUR MOTHER'S CUNT!

Zorin: An orphanage..? OH, this is getting even better! Let's just dig into those repressed memories, and perhaps we'll--

[comes across a memory of Seras licking blood from Integra's finger]

"WHHY!?" Church cried out.

Zorin: Umm.. this.. needs context. Let's keep moving!

Seras' Mother: Seras, hide in here! And absolutely do NOT come out!

[gunshots and screaming sound from outside]

"What happening?" Caboose asks fearfully.

Sigmund: Now look what you gone and done! You skipped the process!

Freud: What process?

Sigmund: The standard process o' breakin' and enterin'! You're supposed to shoot the husband, rape the wife, then shoot the wife! You gone and shot the husband, then shot the wife!

"WHAT!" The Reds and Blues screamed out.

Freud: Don't mean nothin'!

Sigmund: 'Course it does! Now we can't rape her!

Freud: I beg to differ! Body's still warm!

"Oh god." Doc gagged.

Sigmund: Come on now, mate; gotta have standards! I know we're shootin' an' rapin', but necrophilia's a step too far!

"Those bastards, I'll kill em!" Sarge shouted out, grabbing his shotgun in response.

Freud: If you're such a bugger about procedure, why didn't you perform a 5-point room scan? [is stabbed by little Seras] BUGGER ALL!

"HOLY SHIT!" the Freelancers screamed out in shock.

Sigmund: Right! [shoots little Seras] My fault; I'll take responsibility for that one! That is what happens when you do not perform a 5-point room scan!

Freud: Yeah, alright.. so you get to the 5-point room scan, and I'll get to the rapin'!

Sigmund: Steady on!

[present]

Zorin: Aww, the poor little police girl has such a BURDEN on her shoulder! Let me help you take some of the weight off! [cuts off her arm and Seras screams] You're not even a decent guard dog! [stabs Seras and she screams again] You're just the pet of a pet! A stupid, big-tittied POLICE GIRL! [cuts her eyes and Seras screams in agony] Then again.. it's a matter of perspective, really! [laughs]

Bernadotte: VA TE FAIRE FOUTRE!!!!! [attacks Zorin] It's French for 'FUCK OFF!' [shoots her away from Seras]

Grunt 1: Captain, let's move!

Grunt 2: Grab the girl and go!

Bernadotte: Sure! Leave the 130 pound body to the guy with the GUT WOUND! [in French] I am girt by idiots..

"Yes, someone should at least help him." Wash stated.

Seras: [shakily] A-after the arm, I-I think it's about.. 105..

Bernadotte: And the blood loss! Ugh, something I could use a lot less of right now! [internally] All right, Pip! Keep it together.. one foot in front of the other! You've got the girl.. you've got your men.. you've got a way out of this living hell-- [gets stabbed from behind and falls]

Zorin: Wait your turn; I wasn't done PLAYING with that yet!

Jaffe: Holy shit! CAPTAIN, THAT GERMAN BITCH IS STILL ALIVE!

"We can see that!" Caboose yelled out angerly at the events onscreen.

Grunt 2: Jaffe, why the FUCK do I have to die with you?

Seras: [shakily] Cap'n Bernadotte.. w-what was that.. stabbing noise? A-an' that blood-drippin' noise? An' that body-hittin'-the wall noise? I'm blind, so I could really use a play-by-play..

Bernadotte: I'm sorry, mon cher! It's not like me to leave a girl unsatisfied.. but it seems I just didn't have it in me this time..

Seras: [shakily] Don't worry! I-it happens to guys all the time! Heh..

Bernadotte: But I can at least tell you, mon cher.. it was.. good for me.

Sera: ..Mr. Bernadotte..? Pip? PIP?! [they kiss]

"So much for cliches, right?" said Grif.

Jaffe: Aww!

Grunt 2: That's sweet..

"Those guys just had to ruin the mood." Donut muttered.

Bernadotte: Next time, maybe I'll get past first base! [laughs and coughs up blood] Ah, fat chance.. You're far too fine a wine.. for a lout like me.. [passes away]

Seras: ..Pip? Pip? Please get up.. No! C-come on! No, come on! I-I-I can't do this alone! Master? Master, I need you here! I'm too weak for this! I'm too stupid for this! I-I can't handle this! I-I'm not a real vampire! I'm barely even a HUMAN! Master! WHAT DO I DO?! WHAT DO I DO?! [finds herself in a different room] Uh..

Alucard: You rang?

"Oh, look who's back to fix everything up." Simmons mentions.

Seras: Master? Everything's fallin' apart!

Alucard: Shit, you're right! You should REALLY get on that!

"The bastard," Sarge yells out, "does he even care!"

Seras: Pip.. Pip's dead.. because of me! Everyone's dead.. because I wasn't strong enough!

Alucard: OH, so this is MY fault, then?

"What's he talking about?" Grif said in shock.

Seras: What? N.. n-no!

Alucard: Everything is my fault, apparently! Ate the last Spotted Dick pudding in the fridge? My fault! Crashed a car into the world's first British Dairy Queen? My fault! Unknowingly shot Archduke Ferdinand and blamed it on some other guy? Oh, MY fault!

Seras: It's NOT your FAULT! Zorin, Pip, the Flying Geese? They were MY responsibility!

Alucard: But I chose you! Are you saying I made the wrong choice? Because I don't make wrong choices.. I make investments.

Seras: I'm sayin' I failed you! I failed EVERYONE!

Alucard: The only way you fail is by giving up.

Seras: I give UP, because I'm not STRONG ENOUGH--

Alucard: LISTEN TO ME, DRACULINA! You are SO MUCH stronger than you let yourself be!

Seras: HOW DO YOU KNOW?!

Alucard: Because behind those eyes, I saw something I lost long ago: the will to live! Now.. stop running from who you are! Confront it! EMBRACE it.. and go for its fucking throat! Like a REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE!

[Seras drinks Bernadotte's blood and becomes a true vampire, healing her injuries]

Zorin: That look.. HOW!? I cut out your eyes! How can you LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT?!

"Fuck you, that's how!" quoted Tucker.

Seras: Fuck you, that's how! ..Zorin, was it? L-listen, Zorin.. this whole fuckin' place.. is my house; you ain't the queen vampire bitch 'ere! I AM! And you know what we Brits always say: God. Save. The Queen!

"GO SERAS, KICK THEIR ASSES!" the Reds and Blues cheers.

[Seras rips through the Nazis like a tornado]

Zorin: She's like a fuckin' blender, turning my men into paste! A German Bloody Mary! Why didn't we know about this?! Why didn't ANYONE do proper reconnaissance?! [Seras grabs her by the face] Aw, fick mich]

"Wasn't she supposed to do recon?" Washington asks Epsilon.

"Yep." the A.I. fragment said.

Seras: SAY MY NAME, YOU NAZI BITCH! [groans and screams as Seras bites off her hand] I SAID, SAY MY FUCKING NAME! SAY IT! SAY IT!!!!

"Okay, doesn't she think she's going a bit too far?" Carolina questions.

"Eh, she deserves it." Tucker admits.

Zorin: SERAS VICTORIA!

[Seras kills Zorin]

Seras: ..And don't you FUCKIN' forget it!

"Yeah!" the Reds and Blues appualde

Chapter Text

[open on Maxwell happily abusing his new power and position]

MAXWELL: For ye are the temple of the living God! As God hath said, "I will dwell in them, and walk in them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out from among them and be ye separate," sayeth the Lord. "And touch not the unclean thing, and I will receive you!"

"What does that mean?" Caboose asks.

"I think there quotes from the bible." Washington stated.

BOY: Mommy? What's that man talking about?

MAXWELL: Yes, my poor Christians, we have come to save you!

"Maybe they aren't actually evil?" Caboose said

"Then what was with the ending two episodes ago?" Grig questions.

"We could have interpreted it wrong." Tucker answered.

MAN: Hooray, it's the Catholic Church!

MAXWELL: FROM YOURSELVES!

MAN: Oh, no, it's the Catholic Church..

"Nope, sorry Blues you were wrong." Simmons told them.

"Aaaaw." Caboose whined.

[Iscariot forces begin assaulting London]

MAXWELL: Yes! Cleanse the Earth of these sinners! May the Lord have mercy, for I. HAVE. NONE!

"Wow, he's gone batshit crazy." Washington notices.

[cut to Integra and company witnessing this]

INTEGRA: You know, I think your boy Maxwell's letting his new authority get to his head a little.. you should probably have a talk with him.

"Yes, you should." Carolina said agreeing with Integra.

HEINKEL: He's.. he's just under a lot of pressure!

"Why defend that bastard?" Grif asks rhetorically.

MAXWELL: You do not deserve God's MERCY! If He will not turn you to the afterlife, THEN I WILL!

HEINKEL: I mean, words only have as much meaning as we give them!

"Yes cause that's open to interpretation." Simmons sarcastically stated.

MAXWELL: Sinners will be allowed no quarter! Kill them all! LET GOD SORT THEM OUT!

INTEGRA: You're right! A lot open to interpretation there.

HEINKEL: Perhaps one of us should have a talk with him..

MAXWELL: I SHALL BE THE NEW GOD OF THIS WORLD!

"Wow, such a Kira wannabe." Caboose said

"What are you talking about?" Tucker asks curious about this 'Kira' person is.

"I... don't know?" the blue idiot said perplexed at his own words before forgetting about it.

ANDERSON: Aye, let me go have a wee chat.

INTEGRA: Oh, I have an idea!

"Oooh, what she going to say?" Simmons asks with anticipation.

ANDERSON: ..Woman!

INTEGRA: Why not write down a formal protest?

ANDERSON: Don't you dare!

INTEGRA: You can nail it to his door..

ANDERSON: Don't you fuckin' dare!

INTEGRA: Like a Protestant!

"Oomph, way to put salt on the wound." Washington stated.

[the Iscariots point their guns at Integra, only to be blown back by Seras upon her arrival]

ANDERSON: Well, if it isn't Alucard's sidekick! Back for more of what I gave ya last time?

SERAS: Why don't you try sticking it in me again? I might like it this time.

"Whoa, didn't know she was a masochist." Donut comments.

HEINKEL: Father Anderson!

ANDERSON: Context, Heinkel!

"Wow, never thought I'd seen the day where Anderson preached about context." Epsilon said in shock.

INTEGRA: Seras, report! And.. e-explain!

SERAS: Base is secure! Everyone's dead. Ate Pip; full-fledged vampire now!

ANDERSON: And you're going to die a full-fledged vampire! It's a shame your blood sugar daddy won't be here to see it!

♪ [Ready to Die by Andrew W. K. plays from Alucard's ship as it sails into the harbor] ♪

ALUCARD: Well, well, well.. I leave for a day and.. the Catholics are crusading, while the Nazis are invading! Anderson! It's been only two days, but it feels like years! And you, uhm.. how are.. I wanna say.. Logan? Anderson, what's this guy's name?

Soldier: (Growl)

ALUCARD: Oh, better watch out for "Hmm-hmm!"

INTEGRA: ALUCARD!

ALUCARD: WHAT?!

INTEGRA: Release restraint level!

"Wait, there's another restraint level!" Carolina shouted out.

"Just when we think he couldn't get more powerful." Epsilon said.

JED FOREST: Now, hold your horses! I don't know who y'all think ya are, but my name's Jed Forest of the South Carolina Baptist Conf--

"Can someone please shut him up?" Sarge requested, "He's almost as annoying as Grif."

ALUCARD: Shh-shh-shh-shhhh.. do you hear that?

JED FOREST: Do I hear wha--?

[gunshot]

ALUCARD: Hmm, must have just been the wind.

"Thank you." Sarge said courteosly even though the character on screen couldn't hear him.

INTEGRA: Fuck it; dropping the formalities! Alucard! ...Go for a walk.

"Ooooh!" Epsilon exhaled in anticipation something good is about to happen.

ALUCARD: [exhales] When hope is gone, undo this lock... and send me forth.. for a moonlit walk! Release restraint level.. zero.

"Of course, his chanting would be about walking." Carolina said chuckling.

"Well, if he didn't take midnight walks the entire series wouldn't have begun." Washington admits.

"Shut up!" Carolina shouted out, "Something is about to happen and I won't have yous speaking over it!"

♪ [Ready to Die begins playing again before transitioning into Party Party Party] ♪

"The opening theme's playing!" Caboose shoutted out in excitement.

"Things are getting good!" even Sarge shouted out in excitement.

"SHUT UP!" Epsilon yelled out.

FATHER ANDREA MARCO: Guys, I, uh, don't want to jinx it.. but I think we got him-- [gets beheaded] AAHHHH!

MAJOR: And this boot has finally dropped!

INTEGRA: I think it's worth noting that this is the first time he's ever followed my orders without any back-sass! It's simultaneously satisfying.. and disappointing.

"How is it disappointing?" Tucker wonders.

"You'll understand when you ever get your own subordinates." Sarge told him.

MAXWELL: S-send in the reinforcements! Send in the Mexican Inquisition!

DON DIEGO DE LA VEGA: They expected us.. they expected all of us! DIOS MIO! [they scream as they're overrun]

"That's what you get for being bad guys!" Caboose screamed out.

MAXWELL: ..Send in the Salvation Army!

ABBOT PUISER: Holy fuck, bros! This is what we get for sticking our necks out! [they're overrun as well]

MAXWELL: Send in the forces of the Temple Beth Zion!

MAN: They fucked off before the battle even STARTED!

"Well, they were smart." Carolina sarcastically said.

BARTłOMIEJ JELENIAK: Seriously! I can't believe they thought we were going to help them! [they laugh] That's for the Rhineland Massacres, you schmuck!

MAXWELL: JEWS!

MAJOR: It's kind of hilarious in a mundane way, isn't it?

"What is?" Grif asks.

MAXWELL: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

DOCTOR: What is, Herr Major?

MAXWELL: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

MAJOR: That none of these waffle munchers ever put it together that "Alucard" backwards is--

MAXWELL: DRACULA!

"How did anyone of us not figure that out?" Simmons questions.

"Bets me." Epsilon admits.

DOCTOR: To be fair, how long did it take for us to figure that out?

MAJOR: A fair point. But, we were very busy planning World War III!

DOCTOR: True.. also, I believe our forces are being quite literally slaughtered!

MAJOR: Ha! Who gives a shit? They're Nazis!

MAXWELL: All remaining forces, form up and protect your Neo-Pope! [his airlifted truck is attacked and begins to fall] AHHH!!! [he's knocked out of the sky and finds himself surrounded by Alucard's familiars] AHH! [they claw at the box, but can't get in] Ha! Stupid demon zombies! Claw away all you want; the only thing that can pierce my holy Pope box is the will of God Hims-- [a bayonet appears and shatters the box]

"Oof, talk about irony~." Doc sang.

ANDERSON: [laughs]

MAXWELL: ANDERSON! POR QUE?!

ANDERSON: It is the sacred duty of the Iscariot Organization to punish the demon, the heretic.. and the false God!

"BURN!" Tucker called out.

MAXWELL: [gasps]

ANDERSON: Also, you're a daft cunt!

"That's true." Washington agrees.

MAXWELL: [cries] ANDERSON! ANDERSON, I DON'T DESERVE THIS! 

ANDERSON: "Sinners will be allowed no quarter; kill them all, and let God sort them out."

MAXWELL: AAAAGHH!!!!!!! [screams as he's impaled and killed by the familiars]

"Eh, I'm glad he died." Carolina said with a sign of relief.

[cut to Seras and Integra.. taking in the bloodbath]

SERAS: So.. this is restraint level zero, huh?

INTEGRA: These are five hundred years and change of souls that Alucard has consumed. After a while, he stopped actually killing people himself and started hanging around battlefields, letting others do it for him.

SERAS: How many souls has he...?

INTEGRA: Chowed down on? Oh.. two million.. ish? He calls it his.. [sighs] #LifeHack.

"Two million souls?!" everyone shouted out in shock.

"No wonder nobody could kill him, he would need to be stabbed two million times." Epsilon stated.

SERAS: [sighs] He would.

INTEGRA: [sighs and inhales] ...Let's go welcome him back!

[cut to Anderson mourning Maxwell]

ANDERSON: I'm not sorry for what I did, Maxwell.. but I am sorry I had to do it.

[flashes back to him meeting Maxwell as a child]

ANDERSON: And what has brought you to our sanctuary of love and brotherhood, my boy?

MAXWELL: I have terrible guilt and rage inside me that can only be quelled by the blood and subjugation of the unclean!

"Wow, so he was insane even as a kid, huh?" Sarge notices.

"Though what's this rage and guilt he says that's inside him? Some sort of traumatic experience or something?" Church thoerises.

ANDERSON: Oh, ho, you'll fit right in!

[present]

ANDERSON: You were a good boy, Maxwell.. shame you were such a shit man. [over the communication device] To the Iscariot Order and all surviving Crusaders: fall back to the Vatican!

HEINKEL: But Father Anderson, we still have our orders and--

ANDERSON: You don't have to follow orders when your leader's actin' like a daft cunt! Also, Maxwell's dead, so..

HEINKEL: Oh, that's a.. tragedy...

"Hah!" Sarge laughed out.

ANDERSON: Don't weep for the stupid, you'll be cryin' all day. Now, follow my orders! There's somethin' I must take care of..

HEINKEL: Father Anderson.. there is no way you can beat Alucard as he is now!

ANDERSON: Maybe you're right, Heinkel.. but I want to take a stab at it anyway!

[cut to Seras and Integra greeting Count Dracula]

INTEGRA: I'm not sure we've technically met.

"What do she mean?" Caboose asks confusingly.

"I think she means while we met Alucard, we never met his true self: Dracula." Carolina explains.

DRACULA: It is an honor, my Master, Sir Integra Hellsing. Please.. just call me Drac.

"Bad nickname aside, he's surprisingly nice. How can he and Alucard even be the same person?" Wash wonders.

"Split personality disorder?" Doc assumes.

INTEGRA: ..I don't think I'm going to do that.

DRACULA: As you wish.

SERAS: Uh..'ello! Master, uh.. it's me! Heh.. th-the-the police girl! [he reaches out for her] EEK!

DRACULA: Ah, good.. it warms this long-dead heart of mine to see you so grown up.. Seras Victoria.

"Does anyone think that Alucard would be a great father?" the A.I. fragment questions.

"I guess so." Washington and the others nod in agreement.

SERAS: [squees]

INTEGRA: Aw, this is nice..

ANDERSON: ALUCARD!!!!!! [shows up and attacks Count Drac]

"He just have to ruin the moment! Damn you Anderson!" Tucker cursed out.

DRACULA: Alucard is not here right now; you face Count Dracula of Wallachia.

"He's a Count as well!?" Sarge asks in shock.

"Why is he so cool?" Grif wonders.

ANDERSON: Call yourself whatever ya want, ya crazy vampire bastard! I'm here to cleanse the Earth of your filth, once and for all!

DRACULA: Many have tried and failed. Yet, if it is my fate to fall to your blade.. then let it be so, worthy opponent.

"Does anyone just realise he called Anderson a 'worthy' opponent?" Simmons notices.

"Yep!" everyone agreed.

ANDERSON: ..Time the fuck out! If we're doin' this - and we ARE doing this - I'm not gonna come swinging at "Dracula!" I'm killin' ALUCARD!

"Aren't they the same person, just different names and personalities?" Carolina questions.

"I mean, I guess yopu could say Anderson and Alucard have an relationship? Maybe that's why?" Doc counter-questions.

DRACULA: You do know that it's just my name spelled--

ANDERSON: OF COURSE I DO! SHUT UP AND BRING HIM OUT! [attacks again]

DRACULA: Very well.. if you insist!

[beat]

ALUCARD: Hey there, Padre! How's little Timmy? You know what's good for getting cum stains out of altar boy robes? Holy water! Didja miss me?

"That's a great entrance!" Epsilon said.

"What the transformation or the speech?" the cyan Freelancer asks him.

"Yes!" Epsilon clarified smuggly.

ANDERSON: Like coke after Lent!

ALUCARD: Wait, are we talking cola or cocai-- [is cut off by Anderson's assault] Hope you don't mind, I brought some friends! ..Associates? Slaves. I, I brought slaves.

ANDERSON: The more, the merrier!

ALUCARD: [narrating Anderson's approach] The runner takes his mark, the starting gun is fired, and it's off to the races, folks! He swings to the left, he swings to the right! He's right in the thick of it, ladies and gentlemen, and what's this? Oh, it's a regular ol' bayonet jamboree! And who's this squaring up against him, standing 8'5" and weighing in at 600lbs? It's Big Barry! Better watch out, he's got no gag reflex! And he's a hugger! But wait, there's more!

"How did he make an exploding bayonet chain!?" Sarge questioned in jealousy.

[the remaining Iscariot forces show up to assist Anderson]

HEINKEL: Yumi, do the thing!

YUMI: (Speaking Japanese) [The death of Big Barry has been sponsored by the Iscariot Order]

"She speaking that moonspeak thing again?" Donut notices.

"Isn't it just japenese talk with a fancy name?" Doc questions.

"Yep." the A.I. fragment confirms.

ANDERSON: Yumi! Heinkel! I gave you express bloody orders to--

HEINKEL: We don't have to follow orders when our leader's acting like a daft cunt!

"BURN!" most of the audience yelled out.

ANDERSON: ..That's the only time you get to call me any kind of cunt!

ALUCARD: She is sassy as fuck! Holy shit, I like her!

HEINKEL: Iscariot! Do you want to live forever?

PALADINS: We will live forever! In God's grace!

ALUCARD: Y'all know you're Naruto running, right?

"That's a very very old meme." Simmons realises

"Well, this series was made in the 21st century, so yeah, of course it'll have old meme's and shit." Tucker remembered.

MAN: God... IS GREAT! [sets off a suicide bomb]

ALUCARD: Ninja Catholic suicide bombers! [laughs] What a fun day! [Multiple suicide bombers shouting "GOD IS GREAT!"] Is it racist to say that sounds better in Arabic?

"That sounds like the minions for the final boss fight." Grif compared.

ANDERSON: Any last words, monster?

ALUCARD: Have you ever thought about carbonating the blood of Christ? You know, give the kids something fizzy to drink, ooh, you know, before they wake up in an hour? Oh, sweet, you've got some on ya!

"What's in the box?" Donut questions.

"I dunno, but I'm getting weird vibes from it." Doc said with discomfort.

ANDERSON: ...I forgive you.

"WHAT!" the Reds and Blues shockingly yelled out.

ALUCARD: ..Excuse me?

ANDERSON: Everything you've said, everything you've done.. I forgive you.

ALUCARD: Well, isn't that convenient? But it's not up to you, is it? It's up to your precious God!

ANDERSON: You're right; would you like to speak to him?

"What?" Doc mutters.

HEINKEL: Isn't that one of the nails that pierced Christ's body?

YUMI: (Speaking Japanese) Yup!

HEINKEL: From the "Don't fuck with this" armory?!

YUMI: (Speaking Japanese) Yup!

HEINKEL: Where they keep the Ark of the Covenant, the Dead Sea scrolls, and the ACTUAL Body of Christ?!

"Wait, so those things are real?" Sarge wonders.

"I doubt it." Church mentions, "And even if they did exist, they would be locked up in Area 51."

YUMI: (Speaking Japanese) YUP!

ALUCARD: Ooh, la, la! You've got a nail with some Savior juice on it! What'cha gonna do, stab me through the heart?

ANDERSON: Not yours..

"What is Anderson going to do?" Tucker asks curiously.

ALUCARD: No, no, no!

ANDERSON: Mine.

"So what's he going to kill himself?" Grif said in confusion.

ALUCARD: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!

[he attacks Anderson, but Anderson manages to pierce his own heart with the nail]

ANDERSON: Through the Ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace. And I absolve you from your sins; in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit! AMEN!

"What the hell happened to him?" Washington wonders.

"He threw away his humanity and became a monster to defeat Alucard." Doc answered.

[his bayonet pierces Alucard's head and he loses consciousness]

ALUCARD: Ugh.. SHIT, this hurts! ..This is a deep pain! Oh! Ooh, and it gets worse!

"Is he actually dying!?" Simmions yelled out.

"Are we not gonna notice that he liked it!?" Donut said.

"Now's not the time Donut!" the marroon soldier retorts.

GOD: Vlad Teppes of Wallachia.. Son of the Dragon, the Impaler.

ALUCARD: OH, fuck me, he wasn't kidding! [sniffs] Hello, GOD!

GOD: Dracula.

ALUCARD: Actually, I go by "Alucard" now!

GOD: Hold that thought. [begins to cleanse the souls trapped within Alucard]

"Whoah!" Caboose yelled out.

"Damn!" Sarge said as God was easily killing this entire army in seconds.

ALUCARD: Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?! Hey, hey! Stop that! STOP THAT! THOSE ARE MINE!

"He sounds like a guy losing his furniture to taxes." Grif said.

"You would know." Simmons told him.

GOD: I am forgiving your sins, and releasing the damned souls you have imprisoned within you.

ALUCARD: [laughs] Ho-ho-hold on.. You've got a problem with people using others for their own ends? What, should I be giving you credit for the IDEA? Is that it?!

GOD: What is the source of your anger, child?

"isn't omniscient shouldn't he already know?" Tucker asks.

"I believe so." Caboose thinks.

ALUCARD: Fuck you! You're omniscient, you already know.

GOD: Yes. I want you to SAY it..

ALUCARD: ...........

GOD: [sighs] Was it the ten years of ra--?

ALUCARD: It was the ten years of RAPE! Nailed it like the FUCKING Romans! Let me ask ya something, "Yahweh"; which set of prints were yours in the sand? The hand prints, the knee prints, OR the footprints behind THOSE?!

"WHAT!?" everyone yelled out in shock.

GOD: I have a plan for everyone.

"Does he? Really?" Wash wonders.

ALUCARD: And what's the plan for the starving children in.. [laughs] I don't know, in "name an African country?" Is it for them to die? Because, if so, KILLER plan! BUT, do you know who WAS there for me? Who answered my prayers, FINALLY? Here, let's put 'im on!

GOD: I saw this coming, but I'm still not looking forward to it.

[Dialtone]

SATAN: Hi, God!

GOD: Hi, Satan.

SATAN: Hey, so.. I know it's been a while, but, y'know.. again, so sorry for what happened to your son. That was just terrible.

GOD: Mmhmm.

"He sounds like he doesn't even care." Doc notices.

SATAN: Remember; if you ever want to talk about it, I'm there for you. Well, you know what I mean. "Down here" for you, 'cause you sent me here to Hell, but that's okay.. Ah, and, by the way if you ever want to stop by, I make some KILLER avocado toast; you wouldn't believe it.

"Does he really?" the cyan Freelancer asks her A.I. fragment.

"Why are you asking me?" he counters.

GOD: Mmhmm..

SATAN: But anyways.. Alucard has been a super-huge help down here. Uh, really cleaning up the place.. I just wanted to thank you for forsaking him and sending him our way. Thank you so much.

"Wow, Alucard sounds like a real miracle worker!" Wash said.

GOD: Mmhmm.

SATAN: By the way, uh, while I got you here, could you maybe ease up on the requirements for getting in to Heaven? You know, it's just that Hell is getting a wee bit full down here.. [laughs] It's really--

"He hanged up on him?" Grif asked shockingly.

"That meanie!" Caboose said angerly.

GOD: Anyway, Alucard.. you are forgiven. And if you are brave enough to accept it--

ALUCARD: Didn't ask; don't need it, go fuck yourself!

"But why wouldn't he except forgiveness?" Donut wonders in confusion.

GOD: Hmm..

SATAN: That's a pretty fair offer, Alucard. What are you going to do?

ALUCARD: The same thing we agreed to all those years ago. As I lay there, betrayed by the Lord I thought on my side.. made a monster in his name... I swore I would not allow another monster like myself to exist in this world!

"Damn!" Tucker chuckles.

"Go Alucard!" the blue idiot cheers.

SATAN: [laughs and sighs] Hey, by the way, can I get my dogs back?

ALUCARD: NO, THEY'RE MINE NOW!

[regains consciousness and rips out Anderson's heart]

"Woah!" the Reds, Blues, and Freelancers whined.

"He did it!" Simmons said shockingly.

ANDERSON: Ugh.. It looks like you got what you've always wanted, Alucard.

ALUCARD: I didn't want this..

"I can't believe I actually feel sorry for that dick." Church said.

ANDERSON: You stole my heart..

"Literally." Donut punned with tears filling his eyes.

ALUCARD [crying]: Oh.. fu-fuckin' come on, man..

ANDERSON: [coughs] Times like this.. I'm reminded of one of my favorite verses; "Whosoever shed man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed. For in the image of God, made He man."

ALUCARD: ..What chapter is that verse from?

ANDERSON: Boondock Saints. [laughs] Ah, my favorite movie..

"[Call back to the first episode.]" Lopez mentions.

ALUCARD: [laughs] ..Fuckin' called it.

ANDERSON: Alucard, I hate you.. but I understand you. You seek out your own justice to right the countless wrongs you have committed; to find forgiveness, and salvation.. But when you find it.. will you accept it? As a man, much like you, once lost, adrift in the mad world.. I made peace with my demons. May I tell you how?

The viewers are now bawling their eyes out, though they won't admit it.

ALUCARD: Of course.. my friend.

ANDERSON: I--

WALTER: [crushes Anderson's remains with his foot] Said three Hail Marys, ate my vitamins, fucked off and died, Amen.

ALUCARD: WALTER!!!!!!!!!!!!

"GOD DAMN IT, WALTER!!!" Everyone yelled out in fustrating.

♪ [Alexander Anderson plays] ♪

~ALUCARD~

How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a Scotsman
Dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot
in an Italian village without a roof for sleeping under
Grow up to be a deadly demon hunter?

~SERAS~

The Paladin, Catholic father without a father
Got a lot farther by working a lot harder
By being a lot smarter, by being a self-starter at fourteen
Who knew he was gonna become a martyr?

~THE MAJOR~

Then a vampire came and devastation reigned
our man saw this monster sucking blood from people's veins
So he took a holy blade and he stabbed it in the brain
the vampire was slain; the incident lit a flame!

~ALUCARD~

Well, the word got around, they said, "This kid is insane, man!"
Took up a collection just to send him to the Vatican
Get your ordination, don't forget from whence you came
And the world's gonna know your name
What's your name, man?!

~CHOIR~

Alexander Anderson!

"Wow! Anderson got his own song!" Church mentions, "I'm so jealous right now."

Chapter Text

"Conveniently placed plot point for a Flashback." Church comments.

Young Integra: Father... [sniff] ...I don't want to say goodbye.

Arthur: Well, that's quite selfish, Integra. I'm dying.

Richard: It truly is a tragedy! I cannot believe someone would poison our afternoon brandy! What bittersweet fortune that I was somehow spared!

Arthur: Yes, it truly is a blessing that you are well my brother, Richard Traitoro Hellsing. "With a name like that, it's ovious that he's a bad guy." Tucker mentions, But as I die... the authority of our sacred organization falls to... ...my precious daughter.

Young Integra: What?

Richard: Yes, with great honor-- [stammers] R-roll it back?

Arthur: Integra... You must stand taller than us all, now. "Dude, she'll be like a damn amazon!" Sarge compaired, And lead the men and women of the Hellsing organization.

Richard: wHAA?!!THAT'S UH, [Richard continues to stammer] [with great struggle and disbelief] T-THAT'S GREAT! YAAAAY!

Arthur: If you should ever find yourself in peril "So, every day, then." Wash corrected, know that deep in a forgotten underground dungeon, there is one man you can count on.

Young Integra: But Walter doesn't live in the dungeon. He lives under the stairs.

"You're a Wizard, Wally!" Caboose cheered out in excitment.

Walter: Hmm.

Arthur: Goodbye, my starling....and-- BLUKH-KLH!! "God dammit, not on the good silk!" Doc complained, ...that was my favorite pillow.

Integra: Father!! No!! [Integra sobbing]

Richard: ...Walter, did you know you have paid vacation days?

"[Just don't go to Brazil.]" Lopez hoped.

Walter: Ooooh.

(Scene: Young Integra inside a vent)

Sunglasses Man [O-S]: Sorry sir, no sign of her.

Richard: So did you actually search for her... ...or did you all go to the fucking Sunglasses Hut!? We did both. To hell with this!

Sunglasses  Man [O-S]: ...why can't we do both?

Richard: If you want your family murdered, I guess you do it yourself. Again.

Man 2: I knew he did it.

"We ALL did." said Carolina.

Young Integra [internally]: What do I do? Walter's in Brazil "[I asked for one thing.]" Lopez angerly said, I'm in a vent, and my uncle's trying to murder me... I suppose my only hope lies... ...in the dungeon.

Man [o-s]: By the way, would you like this extra pair of Oakleys

Richard: It's 9 fucking PM!

"Why, is that a problem?" Grif asked with sass.

"Grif, wearing sunglasses in the dark is never a thing to be done." Simmons stated.

(Integra climbs out of the vent and into the dungeon)

"Nailed the land, 10 points." Tucker judged.

Young Integra: I made it But however will I know which door is- [Sees door with demonic symbols] It's... definitely this door. But I wish it wasn't.

Richard: You! There you are, my precious little niece. I was afraid you'd left before your succession ceremony. I wanted to give you your parting gifts. There are eleven. In fact, twelve... INCLUDING THE ONE IN THE CHAMBER!

Young Integra: You killed my father!

Richard: No, no... the poison killed your father. I MURDERED your father.

"Well, at least he's correcting her statement." Epsilon chuckled.

Young Integra: Then I guess you belong DOWN HERE! Oh God, there's so many stairs! [Falls down stairs and shot in her left shoulder] Where...? Where...? Where is he? Oh, God damn it, Dad. He's dead! "Oh Integra! You can't have a puppy! That's too much responsibility."

Richard: Forgetting to feed one's gimp is a common mistake. "Is it though." Wash wonders, Arthur was quite forgetful. Just like how he forgot I existed. "'Forgot you existed' or 'Realised you're a cunt'?" Simmons asks, And soon, the world will forget all about you- [Slurping noises] What the fuck is that? [continued slurping noises] "Would ya look at that, it's time~." Donut cheered, Ah...um? Excuse me.

Alucard: Hold on. Let me get some sip.

Man 2: He said excuse--

Alucard: I SAID LET ME GET SOME SIP!

Man 3: Hit the gimp!

Richard: [wails in a high-pitched tone]

Alucard: [growls]

Young Integra: [quivering whimpering] I don't care if you are my father's gimp-vampire-boyfriend. "Fuckin' buzzkill." Grif complained, You stay back!

Alucard: Oh... So Arthur's an *actual* daddy now.

Young Integra: Well he... He was...

Alucard: Ooh, don't tell me... Arthur died and made you the successor... and that dick over there is trying to murder you.

Young Integra: Actually, yeah, that's plot synopsis basically.

"Really? I thought their be more to it than that." Doc said in disappointment.

Alucard: So then. How do you want to handle this?

Alucard: You work for me now.

Alucard: Ohhh?

Young Integra: I am Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, of the Hellsing organization. If you served my father, you serve me.

"And like that, she's already a badass." Church comment, "And she's like, what, twelve years old?" he wonders.

Alucard: All right then... But I require long walks at night.

"Ah, shit." everyone cursed out.

Integra: Will you behave yourself?

Alucard: More or less. "Probably less." Sarge stated, And in return...

Richard: DIE! [Shoots are Young Integra, but Alucard blocks the shot with his arm]

Alucard: I will protect you with my lives.

Young Integra: Then your first order is... keep your arm steady.

Richard: No. No! NO!!

"And another one bites the dust." Caboose sang for no apparent reason.

[Present]

Alucard: WALTER! How you doing, buddy? You look... moisturized? You get some work done?

Walter: I have been seeing a doctor, and he's administered a rather... unorthodox treatment.

Alucard: Shot in the dark: was it vampire DNA?

Walter:It was a spa day. A deep tissue massage and a face mask... of vampire DNA.

Alucard: Pff, if you wanted one of those you could've just asked me.

Integra: Walter.

Walter: Ma'am.

Integra: I'm saying this out of courtesy. If you've betrayed us, I will personally mount your head over a urinal in our men's room.

"Just like in high school!" Tucker said, realising how so many nerdy kids were hanged up in the restrooms by their underwear.

Seras: That explains the third floor restrooms! "Fuck! She wasn't kidding!" Doc realised, Which are now... currently in the first floor restrooms.

Alucard: Now, now now. Before we start throwing around words, like "betrayal" or "cucked", let's let Walter explain himself.

Walter: I'm betraying you.

Alucard: Aw, you cuck!

Seras: Is he just using words he learned on social media again?

The response of the Reds, Blues, and Freelancers varied from "Yes.", "Probably." and "Absoulutely."

Integra: You treasonous little dish-washer! After all these years, you're stabbing us in the back! And for what?!

Walter: I'm just doing my job, ma'am. What you fail to understand is that I am a butler second, and a vampire hunter first.

Yumi: Omae wa dochira mou inai! [You are neither!] Omae wa... [You are...] Omae wa mou shindeiru. [You are already dead.]

"NANI!" the Reds and Blues shockingly question.

Walter: Hai, omae da. Demo, watashi wa? [Yes, you are. But what am I?]

[Walters' Garrote Wire rips through Yumi's entire body]

The Freelancers reaction was in that of shock, unshore on how to respond to a brutalitly.

Heinkel:𝙔𝙐𝙈𝙄!! [German Guy points long-barrel pistol at Heinkel] Your gun looks ridiculo-

German guy:[𝐁𝐀𝐍𝐆!!]

Heinkel [internally]: Fuck! In ze fucking mouth?!  How will I eat schwäbischer zwiebelkuchen?! [onion and bacon pie] And drink Weihenstephaner hefe weißbier?! [brand of wheat beer from Germany] And sing "Halt dich an deiner Liebe fest?!" [German song by Rio Reiser] [German Guy throws First aid pack on her] Is he telling me to clean myself up? [Out-loud] AT LEAST PAY MY CAB FARE, YOU MUTE SHIT-HEEL!

"Uh, I don't think that's the right response to being shot in the mouth." Carolina confusingly stated.

Iscariot guy: Ma'am, are you alright?

Heinkel: I'm fine! How is Yumi? Can we save her?

Iscariot guy 2: Like... in Tupperware containers? Because I didn't bring any.

Heinkel: Damn him! DAMN HIM! He should have - killed - ME! Zhen Yumi and I could be together again... forever.

Iscariot guy 2: Were you two.. lesbia-

Heinkel: Zhe bible says a Man should not lay with another MAN as he vould a voman.

Iscariot guy 2: Oh I get it..

Iscariot guy: Yeah, that makes sense.

Iscariot guy 3: Wait, so it's kosher as long as I'm not fucking a dude in the vagina?

"Depends. How dee is it?" Donut wonders.

Walter: Now with the chaff out of the way, How about we finish what we started fifty years ago?

Alucard: Hold that thought Walter. Integra. I want to hear you say it. I... NEED ...to hear it.

Integra: "Not High enough for this shit." the A.I. fragment asks, "Dude, none of us are." Tucker states, [Pulls out a cigerette, light it, and smokes from it, then snaps it in half] "Well, c'mon now, don't blue-ball the man." Grif said impatiently, "Oh shit." Sarge gasped, FUCK HIM IN THE VINGINA!

Alucard: 𝗛𝗘𝗛𝗘-𝗛𝗔𝗛-𝗛𝗔𝗛-𝗛𝗔𝗛 𝗛𝗔𝗛𝗔!! Alright! But I'm gonna have to make one.

"I wanta make one too." Donut said excitedly.

Major [o-s]: Hold on a moment. Ze frauleins might want to take a step back! You're in zhe *splash zone*!

Alucard: Ya, I'm getting balls like a Smurf here.

"See, what did I say?" Grif stated from his previous statement.

[The Deus Ex Machinma crashlands and opens the main entertains to reveil Schrödinger]

Schrödinger: Come ladies. Let's let zhe boys have zheir fun.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, Schrödinger!!!" Everyone demanded.

Integra: Seras, come.

Seras: Master?

Alucard: Go with Mommy, Seras. Daddy's got work to do.

Seras: Am I your child in this scenario?

Alucard: Seras, our group relationship can best be summarized as "tags on PornHub", now go.

Seras: Fine, *dad*. And to you, Walter C. Dornez... ...thank you for the cannon.

Walter:And thank you for your service... Seras Victoria.

"He DOES care." Caboose awed.

Seras: You're still a right bellend though.

Schrödinger: Everyone aboard the SS Schutzstaffel, or as ve like to call it, the SS SS-

[Integra shoots Schrödinger in the head]

"Headshot!" Grif cheered.

"For, y'know, the eighth time." Epsilon said, like he's keeping track of headshots throughout the series.

"You know, for some reason, that shot looks enjoyable to watch." Sarge said.

Alucard: So, how are we gonna do this? You gonna come at me? Should I come at you? Should we come together? Ooh, at the same time? Oh, you'll come. THEY ALWAYS COME!!! [Alucard charges at Walter but his right arm is ripped apart] Okay, at least make a joke about getting a HANDY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y!!!! [Walter raps Alucard's leg and drags him across a building] I feel like we're not on the same wavele-e-e-e-ngth!!!

Walter: Hmm. Not inaccurate.

Alucard: Shhiiiiiit!! [Alucard crashes onto the ground] Hey, you ever heard of UP DOG?!

"Good doggo." Caboose childeshly said.

[Walter splits Alucard's demon-dogs in half

Walter: Not much, how about you?

Alucard: First you kill my dog, then you anti my fucking joke?! [Alucard's gun explodes, destroying his hand]  Ah, FUCK!!

Walter: "Wire" you getting so upset?

Alucard: Okay. I know it's filthy rich coming from me, but your powers are bullshit!

"To be fair, he's not wrong." Washington agreed.

[Luke Valeintine emurges from Alucard's demon-dog]

Major: Hold on is zhat... Oh, I know it, I know it... didn't we send him on a mission?

Doctor: Hmm.. That's one of the Valentines.

"A Valeintine in amassacre, hm." the leader of Red Team wonders.

Major:Ah, the funny one who swore a lot!

"And fucked everything that moved." Tucker added.

"[Fuckin basement dweller.]" Lopez cursed out.

Doctor:Aye, nein. That was his bruder.

"Would you say a 'funny' valentine?" Grif appemted to joke.

Luke: I- I'm alive? "Ah, plot armour." Caboose mentions, Seems like things are Luke-ing up for this Valentine-[starts to groan in pain & agony]

"Bad puns are punishable by death." Epsilon said darkly.

Major:Ah it was Luke.

Doctor: Ahhh.

Walter: Time to put this dog on a leash.

"Oh my~." Donut groaned.

[Walter drags Luke Valeintine around as Luke continues to scream in pain and agony]

Alucard: No, Mama, he was my dog, I'll do it!

[Alucard shoots Luke, killing the demon-dog in the process]

Walter: I'm sure you're wondering why I went through all of this.. Why I abandoned my home and duty, just to kill you.

Alucard: Oh, because you want to fuck me.

The Reds and Blues bursted out laughing uncontrollablely.

[Walter rips Alucard's limbs off with his Garrote Wire]

Then they calmed down because of Alucards' dismemberment. "I think a simple 'no' would've sufficed." Carolina mentions.

"Damn okay, chill." Church demanded.

[Scene change: Seras and Integra walk through the zeplin]

Nazi soldier: Fire!

[Nazi soldiers shoot at Integra but she is protected by Seras. Seras then slaughters the Nazi soldiers]

Nazi soldier: You seems so angry, but you'd be so much prettier, if you smiled more. [deranged giggling]

"Thank you, next!" Donut comments.

Integra: These fools die with a smile on their face. Their religion is death and carnage. A cult of nihilism.

Seras: Then I'll be their fucking Kool-Aid!

Major [over P.A.]: Fun Fact: in Jonestown it was actually mostly Flavor Aid. A less popular competing brand. Let me assure you though, we are not here for cyanide und valium. Ve are here.. for glory! After the var, ve vere ousted und scorned. Nuremberg REALLY wanted to settle the score there. We lost our purpose, but vorse- we lost our chance at za one true gift that could be awarded men like us.. a true gloryful death. Vithout glory our deaths would be meaningless. So in zis towering vall of civilization of peace und stagnation.. we had to break through! [Explosion happening around the airship] Little by little we carved away und finally! We could see our glory on zhe other side. There with vicious steel und crimson heart stood Hellsing! So danke schoen dear frauleins for finally giving us the happy ending we so desperately craved. From our majestic glory hole.

"See kids: Nazis really are guys with lil' dicks." said Epsilon as he chuckled.

Integra: And there it is.

Pip [o-s]: Hey, I give it an 8 out of 10.

Seras: Pip? W-was that Pip?

Integra: Oh, sweetie, no. Pip's dead.

Seras: I swear I just heard him.

German Guy: Hmm?

Integra: Maybe it was that guy.

Seras: I kind of doubt it...?

Integra: Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find out if my sword will fit in the Major's glory hole. "Alucard rubbed off on her, did't he?" Donut asked, [pulls out a cigerette] Do me a favor and clean up the rest of this mess.

"The place is already on exploding but sure, yeah, this is fine." Wash sarcastically said.

German guy: Mmm.

Integra: Fucking... Nazis about everything! [Integra throws her cigerette away and leaves]

Seras: You wouldn't happen to be French, would you?

German Dude:Uh-uh.

Seras: Didn't think so. [Seras picks up a pair of machineguns, shooting at the German guy, German guy covers her with his trench coat and shoots her] Did you just shoot me with a- Oh, motherfucker!

[Rob Zombie's "Werewolf, baby!" starts playing as the German Guy transforms into a Nazi Werewolf]

Seras: Fuck me jogging. He's a NAZI-FUCKING-WEREWOLF?!?! "WHAT THE FUCK?! everyone cursed out wondering, [Nazi Werewolf guy smashes Seras through a wall and crashes into a storage room] "Zero out of ten, din't stick the landing." Tucker judges, Pip was right. This is SO much worse.

Pip: I'd call him a wolf in sheep's clothing, but he's dressed like a Nazi so...

Seras: He's a fucking Nazi! Also.. hi?!

[Nazi Werewolf destroys a crate full of money as Seras dodgers him]

Pip: ça fait longtemps, ma chère! [Long time, no see, my dear!]

Seras: Pip? Why are you-

Pip: When you took my blood you had my consent. Thus, I am part of you now, Seras.

Seras [internally]: So... you're finally inside of me. How does it feel?

Pip: [chuckles suggestively] Let's put a pin in that. First, let put down "Kibbles and Bitch" over there.

[Seras attacks the Nazi Werewolf, but he shifts into a ghost]

Seras [internally]: So he's also a ghost?! What the fuck?!

"Yeah, what?!" Simmons shockingly asks.

Pip: Allons, ma chère! [Come now, my dear!] The only way to kill a werewolf is a silver bullet.

Seras: Ugh, that's a shame. I left all me silver bullets back home. Literally.

Pip: There's another way, but... it's pretty gross.

[Seras sees a silver tooth filling in her hand]

"I-is that a silver tooth filling?" said Grif as he almost gagged o himself.

"I think so." Doc confirms.

Seras: Oh, my God.

Pip:Welcome to the First White National Bank of the Schutzstaffel. Gold.. silver.. copper from air conditioners... and they think they are too big to fail. But all we have to do is shove that in his heart.

Seras:Then it's time I showed this "Nazi Werewolf in London" where he can stick it! ["An American Werewolf in London" reference]

[Nazi Werewolf punches Seras into a wall]

Pip:He hit you! What are you going to do about it?!

Seras: HIT 'IM HARDER!!!

[Seras pulls out a artillery shell out from a cannon]

Pip: Holy shit, it's almost as big as my love for you.

Seras: You mean your erection?

Pip: That is what I call it, oui.

"That's both sweet and disguiding, at the same time." the A.I. fragment stated.

[Seras throws the cannon shell at the Nazi Werewolf, but he kicks it away and explodes. Seras and the Nazi Werewolf trade blows with one another, leading to Seras biting through the Nazi Werewolf's leg]

Seras: Sorry. This Red Riding Hood BITES! BACK!

[Seras throws the silver tooth into the air and it was caught by Pip]

Pip: Très désolé, Grand Méchant Loup! [Very sorry, Big Bad Wolf!]  [punches the silver tooth into the NAzi werewolf's heart] Huff and puff and blow me!

Nazi Werewolf: [Cartoonishly high-pitched squeal]

"What the fuck was with that scream?" Sarge questions.

"I... have no idea." Tucker honestly said.

Seras: "Huff and puff and blo--" That was the best you had?

Pip: I had one for Red Riding Hood, but then you said yours.

Seras: Good, yours was probably gross anyway. Also, get out of me boob!

Pip: But there's so much space in here!

"I wouldn't mind being in her boobs." Donut said.

[Back with Walter and Alucard]

Walter: 'Course... It always has to be about you, doesn't it? Your constant need for validation? For attention. Like a screaming child. To think someone so juvenile could be so powerful.. sickens me to my core. Which is exactly why one must spa... and spoil the rod! [Peers' Alucard's heart] Wait...!

[Alucard's body disappears like an illusion]

"You just got pranked." Grif grinned.

Alucard: After all these years you finally get to stick it in me... ...and you put it in the wrong hole. [Punches Walter into the ground]

Walter: DGH!! AUGH!!

Alucard: Oh, look at you. You've gone from Daddy to Daddy~ and all because you wanted this! And here it is folks! The return of...

Walter: [In a younger voice] Bite your fucking tongue!

Alucard: Jolly-Wally! Oh, how many years has it been?

Kid Walter:Fuck you, that nickname was never clever!

"I think it sounds clever." Caboose admits.

Alucard: Aw, Jolly-Wally doesn't like his nickname? Jolly-Wally's being a sad lad!

Kid Walter: Fuck!

Alucard: Ah, but if only we have the opportunity! Could have avoided all the sexual tension and treachery.

Kid Walter: Excuse me?

Alucard?: Please, we both know the reason you sold your soul was because you never got to hear: (In a young female's voice) Ahn!  Walter-san! Daisuki Desu! [Ahn! Mister Walter! I love it very much!] [Normal voice] Hehe-haha!! You know, I mean, unironically.

Walter: Cut it out...

Alucard (Girl): That's right, it's a blast from your past with that sass and loli ass! Am I... moé enough for you?

Kid Walter: Why can't you take this seriously?!

Alucard(Girl): Because that's what you want! And I'm not going to give it to you! That or my pussy. But really you're dodging a bullet there. Rows of teeth.

Kid Walter: For the love of-

Alucard(girl): Like a shark!

"He's joking, right?" Tucker hoped.

"I woundn't bet on it." Doc counters.

Kid Walter: Aaagh!!

END OF PART 1

Chapter Text

Alucard(girl): Let me see if I get the grand scheme, Benjamin Button. The Jerrys thought that if I purged all my souls, I wounldn't have my #LifeHack, and at least *one* of you could kill me. "That's not happening anytime soon." Church said, So when the the "very fine people" of the Nazi military, "'Fine' is a stretch." Wash corrected, those KKK-lookin' sons of bitches, and Alexander MOTHERFUCKING Anderson couldn't do the job, "Too soon, dude." Grif complained, you thought you... *YOU* were the guy. "I guess pride comes before the fall." Carolina states, But quick question, Jolly Wally: How many people lived in London? Or rather... *died*? *Let's take a census*! "Wait, what is he doing?" Caboose asks, "Well it is Alucard, so he's either doing his own thing or dooming everyone around him." Simmons guess', [Alucard starts summoning all the blood from London to him] LET ME GET SOME SIIIP!!

[Scene change: Integra walks into the Zeplin's command deck]

Major: "Ah, wilkomman!", said the spider to the fly. Although I'd say you're more of a hornet- [Integra attemps to kill the Major] [Giggles] And unlike its modest brother, the bee, the hornet does not *die* after it has stu- [Integra continues to shoot] It guards its nest with the ferocity and the tenacity of a- [She continues to shoot] -OF A MOTHER WHO IS PROTECTING HER CHILD!

Integra: (Sighing) [Throws away her gun and pulls out her sword, only to stab tempered glass]

Major: Okay, if the bullets weren't going to work, then zhy would the zword?

"That, kinda sounds like Star Wars logic, don't you think?" Doc questions.

"I mean, I guess?" Tucker somewhat agrees.

Integra: YOU COWARD! [as she throw her broken sword away]

"Yes, face her. And if not, then face me!" Sarge shouted as he pumps his shotgun for action.

Major: Ah, ze all have our shields~ Some of us have tempered glass, others have zhe King of Vampires... speaking of whom... [Picks up remote and presses a button, reveiling Alucard dricking lots of blood]

Alucard: [Laughing manically]

Integra: Oh, Jesus...

Major: Someone's on a binge after purging, and it seems like our dear Alucard is looking to get white-girl-wasted. Let's hope that nobody spiked his drink, ja?

[Scene changes to Schrödinger slicing her/his head off with a dagger while laughing manically, falling into the rivers of blood]

Everyone respones was a mixture of shock, horror, and disguse.

"It's a traaaaap!!" Doc shockingly called out.

Alucard(girl): Look at me, Walter! I'm sucking everyone but *you*! So *in celebration* of your wasted attempts, I'm going to give you the little death you deserve. And before you ask... *YES*! This IS a JoJo reference!

"Really, cause I don't get it." Epsilon mentions.

Walter: I give up *everything* to kill you! So just lie back, AND THINK OF HELL!

"He doesn't need another 'why boner' right now." Donut mentions.

[Walter spilts Alucard in half, only for him to regenerate]

Alucard(girl): [girlish voice] Ah, yameru, Walter! You're spitting me in two! [girlish/normal voices overlap] Now do it another three million times, why don'cha!?

"Gonna need some viagra, eh?" Grif giggles

"Really, Grif?" Simmons said to his orange armoured teammate in disappointment.

(Scene change: Zeplin command deck)

Major: Ah, poor Walter... Each second ticks his life down, all to grasp a victory that never belonged to him. "Yeah, life's a bitch like that isn't it?" Sarge asks, A piece of our puzzle... three million, seven hundred und eight thousand, nine hundred and seventeen pieces large. Und now... if falls to Millennium... to finish it.

Integra: What's going on!?

"Yeah, what is he up to?" Washington wonders.

Major: [Laughs] Fräulein, have you ever heard of Schrödinger's Cat?

"Wait, what?" Simmons and Wash question out loud.

Integra: I SHOT Schrödinger Cat!

"No!" "No way!" both maroon and blue/yellow soldiers shockingly respond.

"Wait, so how does the whole 'cat theory' work?" Church asks, wondering what 'Schrödinger Cat' is all out.

"In simple terms," Simmons explains, "a scientist named 'Schrödinger' stated that if you place a cat and something that could kill the cat, like a radioactive atom, in a box and sealed it, you would not know if the cat was dead or alive until you opened the box, so that until the box was opened, the cat was, in some sense, both 'dead and alive'."

"Then how was the cat dead AND alive?" Carolina questions.

"Until the box is opened," Simmons continues, "an observer doesn't know whether the cat is alive or dead because the cat's fate is intrinsically tied to whether or not the atom has decayed and the cat would, as Schrödinger put it, be 'living and dead... in equal parts' until it is observed."

Major: Indeed! And yet it lives! And yet it dies. It is here, yet it is not. It is a curious creation, one of infinite possibilities, as long as it remains unobserved. Yet to consume a thing is to *know* a thing. Alucard is now partaking of Warrant officer Schrödinger's paradoxical existence, "Alucard's weakness is traps I fucking it!" Simmons cursed out, und as out dear cat-boy stares into the abyss that is within Alucard... that abyss. Stares. *Back*. the wave function collapses... uncertainty becomes certainty... the proverbial coin flips... und~...

Alucard [internally]: Am I a bad person? [He disappears from existance]

"WHAT!?" everyone calls out in horror and shock.

Integra: ALUCARD! What did you do !?

Major: I CALLED HEADS!!

"YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" Simmons cried out and shock and jealousy.

[The zeplin command deck catches fire, destroying the computer screens]

Integra: Wherever you've done with him... you're not making it out of here alive.

Major: Then my last meal... shall be victory! [Seras burst into the command deck]

Seras: Status report: Killed a Nazi Werewolf; Pip's inside me.

Integra: He's inside all of us, Seras. "Goddammit, Integra." the A.I. fragment groaned, Also where did you find a *Nazi werewolf*?

Major: Where did you find Dracula?

"Legitimate question." Grif counters.

Integra: In a basement.

"Probably because her dad was kinky or something." Donut assumes.

Major: How poetic; we found our werewolk in an attic. I mean, we find *lots* of things in attics. [Giggles]

"Jesus Christ!" everyone thought at what the Major was referring to.

Seras: Holy shit!

Major: I meant *antiques*! The Juden was our  Führer 's obsession, not *mine*! *Anna Frankly*, I'm insulted by the insinuation.

"I'm guessing that nobody was high enough for this joke." Epsilon wonders.

Integra: SERAS!

Seras: Yes, Ma'am! [starts shooting the tempered glass with her machinegun, barely damaging the glass]

Major:  Entschuldigung, mein Schatz...  [Excuse me, my dear...] ...but you're a few dozen millimeters too thin. [Seras throws the machinegun away, and rips a huge cannon out from under the floor] Now THAT'S what I'm talking about! COME ON, BITCH!! SHOW ME WHAT YOU LOOOOVE!!

"AND BITCHES LOVE CANNONS!!!" everyone screamed out in the top of their lungs.

Doctor: All these years of progress-ruined! After figuring out I could use zhe bones of Dracula's ex-wife to make vampires... now I have to start *again*!  [Seras fires the cannon at  the tempered glass]  I can't stay in England OR Germany! I know! I'll go to Russian! They let you get away with anything there! As long as it's not *too* gay. [The tempered glass shatters, hitting the Major] What was that? Ah. Probably nothin- [The cannon shell kills the Docter, shoots out of the zeplin and ricohets off a church bell]

(Scene change: Walter grabs a piece of cloth flying through the air)

Walter: [Laughing. Then falls to his knees and cries] Y-you were right... "About what?" Caboose questions, You were the only thing... I cared about. "Oh lordy no." Doc groaned, "So Walter's a lolicon now... that's neat." Donut asks and responds, I needed you back... so badly, I let Richard chase Integra right into your arms. "Wait, so does he like the male version of Alucard as well?" Grif questions, But by then... I was past my prime. So I betrayed them all... My master, my country; I tossed them to the wind... [he gets up] ...for one last chance at you. Now I have nothing... but this hole in my-! [Walter was shot in the gut]

"Heart AND gut... nice." Church comments.

Heinkel: When fortune smilies on something as violent and ugly as revenge... it seems proof like no other that not only does God exist, you're doing His will!

Walter: Shot in the gut... slumped against a wall... and excuted by some crazy German Catholic bint quoting Kill Bill. Yes... A traitor's death.

"And a virgin's death too." Grif remarks.

"Aren't you one too?" Simmons asks.

"W-what, n-no!" Grif hestitently answers.

Heinkel: Pop... Pop. [Bang]

"Dark." Caboose states.

(Scene changes back to the Zeplin command deck)

Integra: The gates of Hell will have to swige wide for your fat Nazi carcass.

Major: Ah,  Fräulein , if I'm so fat... [artifical voice] how did you miss? [smoke clears to reveal the Major's cybernetic parts] [strained] ...Hah! Never mind! Crack shot, damen!

"Wait, what the fuck?" everyone confusingly asks.

Integra: I'm sorry; what the fuck am I looking at? Is that... metal and oil? Are you a cyborg? WHY ARE YOU A CYBORG!?

"[Yeah, why?]" Lopez also questions.

Major [artificial]: I am no less a man than anyone with pace maker or hearing aid... for what is the marker of a man, but his interminable-?

Integra: *No*. A man is a homo sapien ade of meat and blood! Not cogs and coolants and-I'm just going to *assume*-a hamster on a wheel!

Major [artificial]: His name is Hamburg.

"That's fucking gold and I don't know why." Grif laughs out loud. "Also, Simmons, do you-"

"No," Simmons interrupted, "I don't have a hammer within me. I may be a cyborg but that doesn't mean that I have a 'hamster on a wheel' to power me." 

Integra: ...You're just fucking with me.

"[I wish he was.]" Lopez hoped.

Major [artificial]: Und you finally get it. I... I see zhe line. The factory steel on society. A world mired in complacecy. Slaves to their instincts, und fueled by anger und hatred! A rocket propellant as volatile as it is potent, und frighteningly... self-sustaining.

Integra: Is there a rest stop between now and the fucking point?

"Yes, please get to it." Carolina impatiently requests.

Major [artificial]: The POINT, Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, is that we are *nothing* but scared, spiteful children, playing at adulthood; a fictitious lie of comfort und- even more repugant- complacence! So what is a man to do... but wage war so calamitous und glorious... that it would *snap humanity out of its foolish, worthless charade*?! Und who better... an opponent... [Integra removes her coat] than Hellsing?

Integra: ...Okay; but why are you a CYBORG, thought!?

"Yeah, because you didn't explain anything relating to it." Epsilon notices.

Major [artificial]: Ah, you're still on that. Okay. It's simple, you see- [both the Major and Integra pull their pistols up and shot each other: Integra through the eye, the Major through the head] [Sighs]  Hervorragend...  [Outstanding...]  ♪So long... ♪ ♪Farewell... ♪ ♪Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye... ♪ ♪I leave... ♪ ♪Und heave... ♪ ♪A sigh und say goodbye... ♪ ♪Gooooooo...♪

"I think he just ruined the sound of music for me, what about you guys?" Wash asks, while the Reds and Blues agreed with the Freelancer's statement.

Integra: [Pulls out a recorder and stops recording. Pulls her cigerette out her mouth] You're not entirely wrong... [explosion of flames] You just didn't have to be such an asshole about it. [Sighs]

"He's a Nazi. It comes with the small dick." Sarge comments harshly.

Seras: What's wrong? Is it the eye?

Integra: That... And he just ruined The Sound of Music for me.

"[He ruined it for all of us.]" Lopez confirms.

Seras: So... Where's Alucard?

Integra: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!

"We do, though! Have fun mulling it for who know how many years!" Doc remarked.

[Sera pulls Integra out of the zeplin before it completely explodes. With Alucard's symbol made of blood on his coffin]

[30 YEARS LATER]

(Scene change: Integra practicing fencing with someone else, while a group of men recall the events of London thirty years ago)

Man: 3,708,917 casualties *alone* in London that fateful night... Lucky, with help from the Americans, rebuilbing hasn't been *too* difficult.

Rob: Tell me... How are the Americans doing since... the incident?

"If America fell, then the whole Earth would have go to shit within the first few hours." Sarge lectured.

"Sarge, I'm sure that Earth would do somewhat fine if America was to be destroyed and rebuilt for a couple of years." Washington reassured.

Man: Well, there was abit of astir when they decided that since corporations are people... they could technically run for president. "Can we kill?" Sarge questions, "Probably!" Simmons thinks, "Hopefully!" Sarge corrected, But President Walt Disney Pepsi Comcast has done wonders for the economy... being that it is... now the economy.

Rob: Quite. Hold on... wasn't Integra supposed to join us?

Man: She has a meeting with the, uh, Catholics today.

Rob: I see. She's still looking for answers.

"You would think that she would have giving up or found the answers she looking for, or something right?" Doc asks.

(Scene change to the Hellsing Organisation)

Makube: And so after travelling all over Europe and American-Classic and doing *countless* hours of research in the halls of the Vatican and Wikipidia... we still do not know how or why he was a cyborg.

"Well, he wanted to maintain his 'pure individuality' -kinda like a JW." Caboose unknowningly bursts out.

Integra: Excuses! [Seras appears on her right] Go to America-Zero and don't come back until you've got answers! [Seras nods]

Makube: Of course, Sir Integra.

Antonio [Sighing]: i miss Canada... [Seras gives air-kisses to Heinkel as she leaves] Sir, didn't *we* supply Millennium with the cyborg technology?

Makube: First of all-they're "enhanced humans".

"Does that mean Simmons is an 'enhanced human' then, are the Freelancers?" Church though.

"Well, Simmons does have cybertenic organs since Grif has his, so I think so." Sarge recalls back in the early months at Blood Gulch.

"As for the members of Project Freelancer, I don't believe so. No one that I know of within the project had cybertenic enhancements." Carolina clarifies.

Heinkel: Second-shut your communion hole! The walls have ears. [Heinkel rips the wall, revealing a hallway of shadows]

Antonio: Figlio di una puttana italiana  [Son of an Italian whore]

Makube: And third of all-No, WE DIDN'T!

Antonio: What in Dante's first-through-forth Hells was THAT!?

Heinkel: Something most foul and inhuman... A Frenchman in love with an Englishwoman.

"I don't get it." Caboose admits with confusion.

"I do!" Donut states.

Makube: We will continue to leave them alone until this peace treaty has run its course. In the meantime, it puts men on the inside of Hellsing as the Vatican rebuilds. Also, Heinkel, do you need Antonio to change your bandages?

Heinkel: No.

Makube: Will you *ever* change your bandages?

Heinkel: No!

Most of the Reds and Blues responce related to "Ew!" at most.

Integra: All right, genlemen; wrap it up and hit the showers. and stop bulling Penwood Jr. Jr.

Penwood Jr. Jr.: I don't want to fence. I want to make reaction videos.

"[That's a shot at SOOO many people back then.]" Lopez notices.

Integra: Never mind; bully him harder.  [Penwood Jr. Jr. runs away sobbing] [Sigh] These are the dullards I leave this organisation to when I die.

Seras: Ma'am, you're 52, British, and *rich*. You'll outlive them all.

Integra: Don't you talk to me about *outliving* people, Carmilla! I know you can't see yourself in the mirror, but we both know you haven't aged a day! "They still haven't worked that out?" Wash wonders, And yet every day, I find another wrinkle!

Walter [ghost]: I would hold you hand in public.

Seras: You know what I think? [transforms into a fake Alucard, with a deepish voice] I think you're afraid you'll die before *he* comes back. [Integra kicks Sera in the face, returning to her normal voice and appearance] Ma'am! That hurt!

Integra: We DO NOT talk about him!

Seras: But Ma'am, he's-

Integra: A deadbeat who skipped out on us 30 years and counting! "Just like my dad." Grif wimpers, Speak one more word of him... and I'll lock you in a crate and ship you to Abu Dhabi!

Seras: No! Not again! Oh, every Monday with you!

"How does she get back?" Tucker wonders.

"Probably mass murder and hijacking." the A.I. fragment guess'.

[Scene change: Full red moon appears as Integra sleeps in her bed, someone hovers over her with fangs closing in on her neck along with vampiric growling]

Integra: [Yelling as she unloads her bullets into someone. Seras charges in without panties on]

Washington quickly covers Caboose' helmet to protect the blue idiots innocence.

Seras: Sir Integra! I came as fast as I could! I didn't even put panties on! "WHY!?" Wash questions, Is everything okay!? Are we under attack!? Do I have time to go and put panties on!?

"You can move at inhuman speeds. So yes, but don't." Grif begged.

"Was she having sex with... Wait. In this situation would it be considered sex or masturbation?" Epsilon wonders but no one answers.

Alucard: Don't bother... [Seras turns on the lights] I'd just charm'em back off again. How are my favourite ladies?

Seras: Master!

Integra: So... You're finally back after *30 years*. How was your walk?

Alucard: Got a little too enthusiastic, and... got a little lost.

[FLASHBACK]

(Scene: Black void with Alucard as an eye)

Alucard: Hello? Hello?

David: Hey.

Alucard: Hi...?

"What's happening?" Washington questions in confusion

"Not a blood clue." the A.I. fragment admits.

David: Name's David. I'm an accountant.

Alucard: Don't rememeber asking.

David: And I'm saaaad.

Alucard: Ahhh, Jesus. [Voiceover] Turned out I was trapped inside myself with 3,424,867 people. [Flashback] ...So you didn't have a ton of friends.

David: I think it was 'cause I was ugly.

Alucard: Hm, probably.

David: Ohh...

Alucard: Ah, but who gives a fuck? That just means the people who liked you for *you* were more deserving.

David: Oh.

Alucard: It's like your ugliness curated their shittiness.

David: *Oh*. Y-yeah, you're right. [Disappears]

"I think he's forced to play therapist." Carolina notices.

"You think? Because that sounds like Hell." Sarge asks.

"Just watch." she groans.

Alucard: Huh... Well, that was-

Becky: [Appears] I'm Becky.

Alucard: Ohhhh...

Becky: And, I don't want to be racist, buuuut...

Alucard: Shiiiit...! [Voiceover] And my only way out... was to help *them* out.

"Yikes. That DOES sound like Hell for him." Tucker agrees with Sarge's statement.

[2 YEARS LATER]

???: And I just... I j-just get so angry, ever time I'd see a guy kiss another guy.

Alucard [Flashback]: You think maybe you were angry because *you* couldn't be one of those guys? Because if you were, all your friends might think less of you?

???: Oh. Oh, shit.

Alucard: Yeeep.

???: Do you want to make out?

Alucard: I don't date patients.

???: Yeah, that's fair. [Disappears]

Alucard: Next. [Voiceover] And I started getting good at it.

[10 YEARS LATER] ["I'll be there for you" - The Rembrandts plays]

??? 2: So my son resented me because I never made time for him unless he asked.

Alucard [Flashback]: Yup; because if he really mattered... you would have put yourself out there.

??? 2: Damn. [Disappears]

Alucard: NEXT!

??? 3: [Appears] I don't know why she was angry. I told her I'd support her no matter whta she chose.

Alucard: That doesn't sound like a partner. That sounds like a crutch.

"This one hits home for me." Church whispered to himself.

??? 3: Shit, you're right! [Disappears]

??? 4: Every time I see a girl kissing another girl-

Alucard: You're gay!

??? 4: Ohhhhh...! [Disappears]

Alucard [Voiceover]: Turns out, like, a whole third of them were just in the closet. "Just like high school bullies!" Simmons mentions, [Flashback] Sleeping around wasn't the problem. Being dishonest was. [Disappears] And again, that's why your relationships kept failing. Facebook. [Disappears] You're gay. Dude, you're allowed to like Friends that much; it was a good show. "Eh, 5.5 out of ten for me." Doc judges, But you didn't love the one you were with. You're straight. Futa isn't gay. "I feel like it is." Donut comments "Either way it's fucking weird." said Church, ...I think. Getting angry about books made for horny teenage girls was ridculous then... and it's ridiculous now. [Disappears] Don't mistaken youthful selfishness for genuine malice. Nobody *isn't* kind of an asshole in their early twinties, and if they actually weren't, they were probably sociopaths. [Disappears] You're a sociopath! [Disappears] You-

[Music abruptly stops as Alucard stares at his soul-self]

"Oh shit." Epsilon notices.

"Well... this is awkward." Grif mentions.

Soul!Alucard: Are we a bad person?

Alucard: Well, let's start with the twenty thousand people we impaled.

Soul!Alucard: We were pretty mad at Dad that day.

[FLASHBACK ENDS]

Alucard: And the i spend the last ten years on that.

Integra: Counldn't you have just killed them all?

Alucard: Ah, I tried. Espically on *me*.

"Dark." Caboose said.

Integra: So... You're back for good, then?

Alucard: Bitch, I'm everywhere! And yet nowhere.

Integra: Then welcome home, Michael McDoesn'tExist.

"Ah, a callback to the second episode." Doc notices.

Alucard: [Chuckling] Now come on, girl. You know what I'm here for.

Integra: After thirty years, I'm not the young woman I used to be.

Alucard: You do kind of look like a genderbent Walter. And, it may be thirty-year dry spell but [aroused] that is *doing it for me*!

"For so reason I was expecting a 'Why boner' joke or something." Simmons admits with the others agreeing with him.

Integra: [Bites on her own finger hard enough to bleed] Well then, my count... Come and get you some sip.

Alucard: Keep your arm steady... my countess. [Sticks touge out to collect the drops of blood]

[TFS cover (Nick "Lanipator" Landis vocals) of "Shine" by Mr. Big plays]

[Credit scene 1]

Walter: Ma'am, if I wanted to stab you in the back, I'd have done it between cleaning your ashtrays and laundering Seras's brassieres.

Seras: But, I- I don't

Alucard: Lace makes me feel confident.

"That... kinda explains his cocky attitude." said Carolina.

[Credit scene 2]

Alucard: Nobody "ruined" your childhood! The Teen Titans you liked is *still* on DVD.

The Reds and Blues were confused about what the interaction between Alucard and his 'patient'.

[Credit scene 3]

Alucard: You do kind of look like a genderbent Walter. Why Boner 3: *The Reckoniiiinng*!!

"And there it is." Simmons sighed.

[Credit scene 4]

Alucard: There is no such thing as an ironic fan of "Eromanga Sensei".

"Wait, what?" everyone questions in confusion.

[Credit scene 5]

Alucard: Seriously, let Walter explain himself. Maybe he just got tired of doing... What does a butler do?

Walter: I buttle, sir.

The Reds and Blues laughed at Walter's answer.

Alucard: Ha! See? This is why we're friends, Walter.

[Credit scene 6]

Alucard: Dude, you weren't being a Joey; you were a Chandler *trying* to be a Joey and you came off as a Ross. And I'm not talking "early seasons" Ross; I'm talking seasons 6 to 9.

[Credit scene 7]

Alucard: So, you ever heard of Schrödinger's Cat?

Integra: Yes; I had a lot of time to study physics while you were gone.

Seras: She's lying! She was studying cybernetics!

Integra: I can do both!

"Yeah, why can't she do both?" Caboose questions.

Alucard: Cybernetics? *Why*?

Integra: Because the Major was a cyborg!

Alucard: Ho-ho-ho-ho-hold on; why was he a cyborg?

Integra: *Right*!?

Alucard: *That's fucking stupid*!

"God dammit." Simmons groans.

[Credit scene 8]

Alucard (girl): And before you ask... *YES*! This IS a JoJo reference!

Walter (young): Part One was the best.

Alucard (girl): Ah, you would say that, you fucking Brit.

Major: I prefer Part Two.

"Hey guys, do you think that we could watch that series at some point?" Caboose questions with curosity.

"I doutd it, Caboose." Tucker answers.

[Credit scene 9]

Alucard: You kill the last white Rhino?? Hope the boner was worth it, you fuck.

"Jan Valentine certainly made his mark, eh?" Donut asks.

[Credit scene 10]

Alucard: Uh, by the way, did "One Piece" wrap up finally?

Integra: Yeah, but it's got a sequel called "Two Piece".

"Bow-chicka-bow-wow!" Tucker whispered.

Alucard: Is it any good?

Integra: Ah, not sure how I feel about Buffy as the main character...

[THE END]

"And that's that. So, what do you guys think?" Tucker asks at the others.

"I have... so many mixed feelings about this series." Carolina responds.

"I was.. interesting to say the least." Washington admits.

"It's surtingly something to watch again." Epsilon comments.

"The carnage was beautiful to witness." Sarge almost sang.

"It kinda put me off eating in some scenes." Grif complains.

"The idea of using the 'Schrödinger's Cat' theory was done, surprisingly well." Simmons notes down.

"I-I don't think I'll watch it again. It was scary, and I don't like it." said Caboose.

"I enjoyed it, some scenes more than others." Donut mentions.

"Okay then, and do you guys want to do now." the aqua swordsman questions as everyone left to do their own think. Sarge went the engine room; Grif got a soda can; Simmons wondered to the ships navagation systems; Washington went for a walk to the storage facility; Tucker asked for a tour around the bridge; Donut, Doc and Lopez were preparing to return back to Valhalla; Carolina and Epsilon walked to the training arena; as for Caboose, he just stayed in his bunk bed.

Chapter Text

Almost a year has passed since the end of the Chorus Civil War, and the arrest of Charon Industries CEO, Malcolm Hargrove.

The Reds and Blues decided to retire from all of their adventures for now. Some were hesitent at first, especially Sarge, while others, such as Grif, were excited to just rest and relax.

Vanessa Kimball, now the president of Chorus for the time being, located them to an isolated, yet livable, moon where they can live the rest of their days in peace.

Several months have pass, and it starts snowing where the Reds and Blues were living. Caboose thought that it was christmas and decided to set up a tree in the living room with dud grenades and bullet casings as decorations. Tucker and Washington attempted to stop him but the blue idiot was to stubborn to listen, so they joined him instead. The Reds and Carolina walked in shortly after the Blues finished decorating the building with christmas-like garnishments.

Tucker scrolled through his computer and found another Hellsing Abridged epsiode that they missed. And to make it even better, it was a christmas short speical. Walking towards the T.V. that they have and setting up the short special, the others joined in with the cyan swordsman and toke a seat. Grif and Wash walked in with some snacks

[Open on the Hellsing Estate exterior]

Walter [Voice Over]: A long time ago in a big house near London, lived a mother hen and her servants three. Everything was oddly normal for this time of year. Then, one night, a certain magical character visited them--

Santa: [flies over the house] Ho ho ho!

Walter [Voice Over]: --Changing their lives forever.

"Well, these seems like a pleasant start." Carolina commets.

[a gunshot sounds and wakes Integra]

"Never mind, I take that back." she sighs.

Integra: What was THAT?! Are we under ATTACK?! Status report! STATUS REPORT!!

[runs down the hall and finds Alucard]

Alucard: *sighs* Before you start..

Integra: [sees the body of Santa Claus] Je**s Ch**st!

"I-is that Santa?" Caboose stutters, edging on the verge of crying.

Alucard: OKAY! BEFORE. YOU. START--

Integra: HOLY S**T!!

"WHY IS SANTA DEAD!?" the blue idiot screamed with Donut trying to comfort him.

Alucard: Would you care for me to explain?!

"Please do." Simmons begs, not wanting to deal with Caboose's constant crying.

Integra: Oh, YES, Alucard! I would LOVE to know why you shot and killed Father Christmas!!

Alucard: He startled me.

"He what?" Wahington asks in confusion.

Integra: ..He STARTLED you?!

Alucard: HE. STARTLED. ME!!

Integra: OH, well, I guess he should APOLOGIZE!

"[I doubt he's going to do that.]" Lopez states.

Alucard: Well, it's gonna be kind of HARD, 'cause, uh, you know, I shot him.

Integra: Brilliant! So what are we supposed to DO?!

"Well for starters, hide the body." Sarge advises.

Alucard: *sighs* Well, I guess I have to save Christmas!

Integra: *groans*

Alucard: Yup! No other options! 

Integra: How about ANY other option?! Any at ALL?!

Alucard: No use trying to put the brakes on this! It's going down!

"Is it weird to admit that Alucard looks good in Santa's coat?" Grif questions.

"I mean, your not wrong." agreed Donut.

Integra: ...You planned this.

Alucard: What?!

Integra: You planned this! I know you did!

Alucard: You.. You honestly don't trust me?

"I won't put it behind him." the black and yellow Freelancer mentions.

[Seras appears in an elf costume]

Seras: Master! The sleigh has been secured! Unfortunately, Vixen died, Caboose cried even more at learning of Vixen's death, but-- [sees Integra] Oh..

"[Well, this is awkward.]" the Reds' Spanish-speaking robot comments.

Alucard: ....You won't BELIEVE how cheap that elf costume was! [Integra hisses] I stole it!

"Of course he did." the cyan Freelancer sighed.

Integra: ALU--

Alucard: LET ME HAVE MY NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS MOMENT!!

[cut back to the Hellsing Estate exterior, and Alucard flies over the estate in a sleigh]

Walter [Voice Over]: And so, Alucard Claus and his little helper visited many houses that night, until Alucard got bored, and kinda wandered off. The End.

"Well, so much for 'saving Christmas!' if he just got bored." said Washington.

"Are you kidding?" Grif asks, "This is the best christmas short I've ever seen!" he cheers.

Alucard: MERRY CHRISTMAS! *laughs*

[THE END]

With the short special finished, the Reds and Blues are left with mixed emotions. Caboose was upset about Santa Claus' death; Grif and Sarge enjoyed watching it; Lopez, Simmons, Donut, Carolina, Washington, and Tucker have a mixture of both enjoyment and sadness about this short.

Donut escorted a crying Caboose out of the living room while Tucker turned the T.V. off before an episode of Dragon Ball Z Abridged showed. Sarge and Lopez left shortly after to work on the Warthog that's in the garage. Washington and Carolina went to practice on their specialities and martial arts. Grif started to snore on the couch while Simmons left to the garage to assist Sarge and Lopez. Tucker crashed onto the couch before slow nodding off to sleep.