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Chapter Text

Kakashi didn't do relationships, as a general rule. He'd had a family, and they'd all died. He'd had a mentor, and teammates that were starting to become what he might actually have called friends, and they died. He'd had a – well, he might have had a younger brother in Naruto, until the Hokage had forbidden Kakashi from interacting with him in any way, or even acknowledging his existence. The point being that Kakashi had been relatively unsure about forming social connections in the first place, and then life had backed up these feelings by cheerfully murdering everyone he really cared about. Well... he had a rival and maybe-friend in Gai, but that was – Gai. Gai would probably haunt him from beyond the grave.

So Kakashi didn't do relationships. He had co-workers, and superiors, (though not many, at this point,) and he had the Hokage, and he had missions, and when he really wanted company, he had his dogs. These were all good things, and they fit into the daily routine that Kakashi had created for himself. He'd had to do something to stay sane after that night when Kushina and Minato had been murdered, and Naruto had been taken from him, and Kakashi had found solace in routine. He did the exact same thing every single day, unless he was on a mission, and missions had their own sort of routine.

Every night he dreamed about killing Rin, and every morning he woke himself up screaming. He would get up, walk to the sink, and wash his face until his brain could be convinced that he wasn't actually there any more; it wasn't currently happening. He was fine, that wasn't actually blood on his hand. He was fine.

After that, he would bathe, clean, eat breakfast, and train for two hours until the mission office was open. Then he would amble past Gai, Asuma and Kurenai eating dango on his way to the Yamanaka flower shop, where he would buy white lilies and go visit all of his dead loved ones. After an appropriate period of standing there wishing either he was dead or they all weren't, he would head to the mission office and see if they had anything they needed him to do. The answer was usually no, because if it was yes he would already have received an urgent mission hawk, but sometimes there was a C or B rank that no one else had time to get to, and Kakashi would take it.

If the mission could be completed in a day, he'd do it, then return to his home where he'd make dinner, bathe again, and summon his dogs to lay in a pile on the floor for a while, then read porn, sometimes jack off and sometimes not, depending on how much effort he felt like expending, and go to bed.

If the mission was longer, he'd return home, grab his go bag and take off, his routine momentarily suspended under the terrifying focus that Mission Kakashi was capable of; pushing literally everything to the background until he completed his task. Whenever he returned, he would make his mission report, and complete his nightly routine of food, bath, dog pile, maybe masturbation, and then sleep, regardless of the actual time of day. Then he'd wake himself up with his nightmares, and proceed as normal.

If they didn't have anything for him to do, he'd go to ANBU, even though he wasn't supposed to be working for them any more. Usually they had something for him to do, even if it was just being put on Naruto's detail so one of his regularly scheduled watchers could have some downtime. His nighttime routine varied on days after he was on Naruto patrol; instead of a dog pile and porn, he would stop by his favorite bar and get stupidly drunk, and then either stumble home, or find someone to make bad life choices with, go home with them, and fuck until the sun came up or he passed out; whichever came first.

Usually the person he went home with was Genma, because the other man was easy, great in bed, and didn't give a fuck if Kakashi passed out in bed with him and woke up screaming a few hours later. Genma didn't scream himself awake, but that mostly seemed to be because he didn't sleep at night. Kakashi didn't know when he did sleep, but it wasn't at night. Any time he woke up, Genma was awake - writing up reports, making tea, or lounging with porn, but never sleeping. Kakashi didn't judge him for it; Genma was an assassin, and a good one, which meant he was actually probably one of the only people in the village who'd killed more children than Kakashi had.

(Gai could interfere with any or all of these routines if he happened to be in the same general vicinity as Kakashi. He was endlessly being dragged into challenges or out to bars, or no-holds-barred spars where Gai would educate him about the Springtime Of Youth. Again, this was Gai. He had his own rules, and Kakashi couldn't plan for him, so he didn't bother even try. Gai was a force of nature, so even when he broke Kakashi's routine, Kakashi wasn't any more upset about it than he would be at rain for being wet.)

The point was, being with Genma was practically effortless. He'd never met anyone who was as low maintenance as Genma was. The man never seemed to care when Kakashi didn't show up for weeks at a time, only to spend the next four days in a row practically living in Genma's house. He didn't care when Kakashi summoned his entire pack to cuddle with him, coating every surface with dog hair. He didn't care that Kakashi didn't like to be touched unless he was in the mood to fuck, and he didn't care that Kakashi ate the exact same thing every single day without variation, although he did occasionally leave vitamins beside Kakashi's morning cup of tea.

As long as he wasn't on a mission, Genma was down to fuck whenever Kakashi wanted to fuck, he sparred with him when Kakashi wanted a fight, he cuddled on the very rare occasion Kakashi wanted a hug from someone with two legs instead of four, he talked with Kakashi about the newest release of Icha Icha with the enthusiasm of another fan instead of rolling his eyes, pretending to listen out of politeness, or the downright disgust of Kakashi's peers. He never once asked Kakashi to take his mask off.

It took almost a year of Kakashi stopping by Genma's house at night instead of his own before Kakashi realized they were probably dating. When he brought this up to Gai and Anko on one of their forced friendly social outings to get drinks and dango, Anko just rolled her eyes and said, “duh,” while Gai cried and said lots of things Kakashi didn't really understand about Manliness and the Springtime Of Youth.

When he brought it up with Genma, the other man just shrugged and said, “we're only dating if that's what you want.”

Kakashi did not know what he wanted. But dating was a normal thing that normal people did, and even though he was not a normal person, and Genma was not a normal person, and probably none of their peers were normal people, he said, “sure.”

“Did you want to be exclusive?” Genma asked, because he was obviously far more prepared for this conversation than Kakashi was.

Kakashi thought about it, because he hadn't really, before then. When they'd started all this, Kakashi had gone home with whoever he'd felt like, and so had Genma. That had happened less as time went on, because they usually went home with each other. And now, the thought of Genma going home with someone else who wasn't Kakashi, smelling like someone else that wasn't them, well, he found he didn't like that at all.

“...yes,” he said.

“No problem,” Genma said, and that was apparently the end of it.

So they were dating, apparently.

Dating Genma was fucking great. There was even more fucking than before, mostly because Kakashi just said fuck it and moved in, so they had an even better chance of catching each other when they were both not working and also horny (which was honestly most of the time they weren't working.) And even better, there weren't any feelings involved, which honestly Kakashi kind of thought were required for dating, but if Genma had any feelings he kept them to himself, and he almost never asked Kakashi about his own.

There was one notable exception.

It was just about that time of year again, when the entire village put on a fucking festival to try to 'improve morale,' or something, but mostly just meant that they celebrated the Kyuubi not killing even more of them than it actually had. It wasn't really a great time of year for anyone, but especially not for anyone who'd been on Minato's personal guard. Genma was a cheerful kind of guy most of the time; anything negative just sort of rolled off his back, like Gai but with less Youth. But Kakashi came back from his yearly ritual of getting too fucking drunk to remember his own name, and thus avoid thinking of unpleasant things (it didn't help,) to find Genma sitting alone in their house, in the dark.

When Kakashi turned the lights on, Genma turned to look at him with a terrible, broken expression. He was still holding his ANBU mask, which was a horrible breach of protocol, but also meant that he'd been on Naruto's guard duty. Kakashi didn't often get feelings, and he worked very hard to maintain his outer nonchalance towards, well, everything. But he was going to find out who the fuck had thought that putting Genma on Naruto's guard on the anniversary of Minato's death had been a good idea, and make them wish they were never born.

“Do you hate me?” Genma whispered, like he was afraid if he raised his voice, Kakashi would run away.

“...” It actually took Kakashi a minute to work through what, exactly, Genma was asking. Feelings were hard, although he was doing some great work with rage at the moment. “Why would I hate you?”

“I let him die,” Genma said, and Kakashi wasn't sure what to do, but he wanted to do something – anything - to stop Genma from looking like that.

“You didn't.”

“I was there -”

“You did what he told you to. You followed orders.”

“His orders were bullshit!” Genma exploded into a scream. “I should have done something. It should have been me! I should have protected them!!”

Kakashi held his ground for a moment, in silence, while Genma broke down and started sobbing into the table. He absolutely needed to get this right, and if that took him a few extra moments to piece together what he really really wanted to say, then...it would just have to do.

Very, very carefully, he said, “Minato put me on duty as Kushina's personal bodyguard.”

Genma stopped sobbing very abruptly, and stared at him in disbelief.

“It was an assignment directly from him to me, no ANBU involved. I stayed with her, every moment of every day.”

“I had no idea.”

“No one did. Kushina certainly didn't, she would have ripped Minato a new one for giving her a bodyguard. I've never...told anyone. Well. I gave my report to the Sandaime, but other than that. I just wanted you to know...I understand.”

“I'm sorry,” Genma said.

“I am too,” he answered, and he meant it.

There was more crying after that - mostly Genma, but also Kakashi, because he'd had a shit ton to drink, and feelings were catching, apparently. They fell asleep that night on the kitchen floor, under a pile of dogs, and while it wasn't a great night by any means, it was the least painful anniversary Kakashi had ever experienced.

Things got better after that. Kakashi still didn't talk about his feelings, but sometimes Genma would make him tea when he woke himself up, and Kakashi would put his head on Genma's shoulder and – not talk about, but just be there, appreciating another person who actually gave a fuck. Genma seemed to do better too, a little. He did talk about his feelings sometimes, mostly how he felt about Kakashi (positive,) and how he felt about some of the more difficult missions he went on (negative.) Genma even started sleeping at night, sometimes, curled around him like he thought Kakashi might disappear if they both slept at the same time. It was – different. But good, Kakashi thought.

So of course, something was bound to go wrong.

xxx

Over his lifetime, there had been a few moments when Kakashi had seriously considered becoming a missing-nin. After Minato and Kushina's death, after his failure to catch Orochimaru as he fled the village, after the Sandaime let Danzō get away with ordering Kakashi to assassinate him. His tenuous attachments to the village – his rivalry with Gai, his awkward friendship with Anko, his battle forged bond with Tenzō, his relationship with Genma – these things had kept him loyal when nothing else has. Sometimes he was so full of rage and pain that just the sight of Konoha's walls after a mission made him want to turn right back around and never come back. The rest of the time he hated that self, hated that part of him that would even consider turning his back on the village that Minato loved, that Obito was determined to rule, even when everyone rejected him. That Rin died for. That his father -

He was loyal, even if some days he questioned the worth of that loyalty. But his loyalty had never been tested as much as it was the day the Sandaime handed him his new genin team assignment.

“No,” he said automatically.

Hiruzen's eyebrows shot up. No one said 'no' to the Hokage; Hiruzen might have affected the grandfatherly demeanor in public, but he was the ruler of Konoha – his word was law. They lived in a military dictatorship; orders were not up for interpretation or discussion. Kakashi knew that, but he still couldn't take back the gut reaction to being handed a team like this.

“No?”

Kakashi ground his teeth. He had a lot of things he wanted to say. Mostly centering around the fact that Kakashi had been forbidden from so much as breathing in Naruto's direction for eleven years, and yet now, now they wanted Kakashi to teach him. What were you thinking? He wanted to scream. How could you do this to me? How could the elders do this to me? I've been loyal, I've stayed loyal, why?! He had never been closer to disloyalty than in that moment.

“I have never passed a genin team,” he finally said. It wasn't an apology, but at least it wasn't outright refusal.

Hiruzen shrugged then, allowing the tension to pass. “Then test them. If they fail, send them back to the academy.”

Where they would be forced through another year of useless lessons, and be handed back to Kakashi again. He was certain of it.

“Fine,” he bit out, trying and failing to keep his feelings out of his voice. This was why feelings were of no use to anyone, shoving their way out at inappropriate times.

There went Hiruzen's eyebrows again. “This is for the good of the village, Kakashi. It's not a punishment.”

“...of course, Hokage-sama. Forgive me,” he said, as tonelessly as possible. “If that will be all?”

“Dismissed,” Hiruzen said, before he had to seriously consider reprimanding Kakashi for his behavior.

Kakashi was out the window before Hiruzen even finished the word.

xxx

As a shinobi, Kakashi had done many things he didn't particularly want to. Any mission where he was forced to interact with a client instead of a fellow professional, for instance. He always found ways to make it bearable, with just enough defiance that it would be put aside as a quirk of his personality and not outright rebellion. Kakashi was very good at killing people, after all. There weren't that many ninja in Konoha of Kakashi's caliber, who could be trusted with an S-rank mission and know he all but guaranteed success. In most cases, it was enough to give Kakashi a little bit of leeway in how he interpreted his orders, and he was very good at walking the line between succeeding at his mission while also doing something he could actually live with.

Having a genin team was different. He didn't usually fail them on purpose; Kakashi had very high standards, and none of the genin he had been assigned had ever managed to meet them. He actually suspected that he was assigned the teams that had technically passed the final exam, but that someone, (whether the academy, the Hokage, or the elders,) believed weren't ready. He's had groups that were completely incompetent, he's had groups with one rising star who might be ready, but absolutely refused to co-operate, he's even had teams that technically passed his test, but were so green they were absolutely going to get killed the moment they stepped out of the village. He even had one team that he was ordered to fail, so honestly Kakashi didn't know why they'd been assigned to him in the first place.

He won't be allowed to fail this team. He knew almost nothing about the girl – top kunoichi in her class, marked as a potential genjutsu specialist, but otherwise an unremarkable lineage, and he was almost sorry for her for being placed on a team with the other two. Of course they'd give him Sasuke; he was the only one who could possible teach him to use his sharingan and the village was determined to take advantage of that. Only Sasuke hadn't awakened his sharingan yet - most Uchiha didn't. Kakashi wondered if they expect Kakashi to expose him to a sufficient enough trauma to awaken them, or if they had plans of their own. He hadn't decided how he felt about that, but his first reaction was – not good.

Naruto – well, they obviously thought Kakashi could do something about him if the Kyūbi began to leak through what had otherwise been a perfectly functioning seal. They want Naruto trained as a weapon. Again, this didn't really make sense to Kakashi, because the village had been ignoring him all this time. If they'd really wanted a weapon, they should have started training Naruto young, not leaving him practically on his own for eleven years and then dumping him on Kakashi. Based on his academy reports, he can barely read and write. So Kakashi didn't know what they were thinking. Even if he didn't have a personal history there, he wouldn't want to try to fix the mess that the village's decisions have made of that boy. Not that he was given a choice.

So, he wouldn't be allowed to fail them. If he did, they would be back next semester. And the next, and the next, until Kakashi gave in.

But...if they give up, instead...

It wasn't beyond the realm of possibility. Sasuke seemed determined to avenge his clan, and the idea that Kushina's son would ever give up on anything was laughable, but Kakashi was very self aware. He could be an utterly unbearable person, most of the time without even really trying. If they gave up after his test, there wouldn't be much that anyone could do. Naruto might be forced off on someone else, but the elders probably wouldn't try to foist him off on Kakashi a second time. Not if he broke Naruto's spirit enough to make him not want to be a ninja at all. Kakashi wasn't sure what would happen to Sasuke, and honestly he couldn't find much in him to care. He'd never liked the Uchiha clan to begin with, and after Itachi's betrayal – well, he'd get over it, no matter what happened to the kid.

He felt a twinge of sympathy for the clanless girl again, but honestly she'd be much better off re-taking her last semester and getting placed on a team not destined for failure. He was practically doing her a favor. (Kakashi had always been sort of an asshole, and he hadn't ever gotten around to giving a fuck about it. At this point, he probably never would.)

With that plan of action firmly put in place, he headed off to see if Genma had time for sex before his evening shift. The crisis had been averted; everything will work out fine. Kakashi had a plan.

xxx

Everything was not fine. They passed his test. He still didn't really know how it happened. Naruto was painfully, painfully green, and Sakura was painfully, painfully obsessed about Sasuke, and Sasuke was just competent enough that Kakashi finally understood why the elders were worried about him defecting. It was clear that Sasuke would do anything to get his revenge, and that could become very dangerous if left unchecked. Or worse, if someone thought Sasuke was worth taking under their wing. Kakashi would need to keep an eye on him, for sure.

It was, as Shikaku would say, troublesome.

Chapter Text

There were benefits to sleeping in the same bed as Genma. Kakashi didn't realize how much he enjoyed having someone else he trusted in bed beside him until it started happening. Plus, this meant there was even less of a delay if he wanted morning sex – all he had to do was roll over and kiss Genma, and it was pretty much a sure thing after that.

The other nice thing about sleeping in the same bed as Genma was that when Itachi appeared in their bedroom one night, he wasn't alone. The bad thing was that Itachi had appeared in their bedroom. Kakashi jolted awake from a dream he couldn't really remember, startled by the loud croak of a crow, to find three sharingan staring him down from the shadows.

“What the -” he barely got out, before a senbon was flying across the room, swiftly followed by two more.

They were easily deflected, since Itachi had been a genius with shuriken and kunai when he was eleven, and had only improved since then. Genma probably knew this, but he snarled anyway. Genma hadn't worked as closely with Itachi as Kakashi had, but they'd still known each other. And Genma had very distinct feelings about a clan killer. Anyone would, really, but as someone who's clan had been killed in service to the village, Genma had more vitriol than most.

Itachi glanced at him, casually, and his sharingan spun, and before Kakashi could even get a word of warning out, Genma froze beside him, his eyes blank with terror, glazed over.

“I don't want to hurt you,” Itachi said mildly, as Kakashi shut his right eye and opened his left, even though it was far too late by now. If this was a genjutsu, he couldn't tell, even with his sharingan. Itachi had always been stronger than him, where their eyes were concerned.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I just want to talk,” he said, and then Genma was moving again, shaking his head violently and trembling.

Kakashi gripped Genma's hand tightly. “Don't look at him,” he said, even though it was too late.

Genma nodded, his eyes fixed manically on the floor in front of them, staring at Itachi's feet.

“What could you possibly have to talk to -” he cut himself off, because of course there was something that Itachi would want to talk to him about. Or some one.

“You are Sasuke's jōnin-sensei,” Itachi said, and Kakashi broke out in a cold sweat. “I have a promise that will keep Sasuke safe so long as he stays in the village, but you will be taking him out of the village. So we will come to an agreement that is satisfactory for Sasuke's safety.” He said it matter-of-factly, as if it were already a preordained conclusion that Kakashi would make any kind of deal with a psychopath like Itachi had become. He'd thought he'd known Itachi, once, but he'd been wrong.

“What promise?” Genma asked.

“What?” Itachi and Kakashi both seemed equally startled by the question.

“You said you had a promise that kept Sasuke safe while he was in the village. That doesn't make any sense. If anything, you're the one who threatens Sasuke's safety. So why would you need to make any kind of deal to keep him safe while you were gone?”

Itachi stared at Genma for a long moment. “Ronri,” he said, and the crow, with a sharingan where its eye should be, hopped off his shoulder and flew out the window, which Kakashi knew he didn't leave open last night.

Itachi said nothing. Genma continued to look at the floor, though he had produced another senbon from somewhere, and was flipping it through the fingers not currently in a death grip around Kakashi's own. Kakashi stared at Itachi, sharingan straining to see what would happen, what had happened, if this was real. To figure out if they were even going to get out of this alive.

By the time the crow returned, Kakashi had decided to talk. Because if Itachi was here, talking to him, he wasn't in the Uchiha district, murdering Sasuke. (There was the matter of clones, of course, but Kakashi had to believe he hadn't failed his student so badly already. He had to.) Genma's house wasn't on the normal ANBU patrol, but it was always possible they would receive a hawk for a mission, or that Gai would decide to stop by in order to drag Kakashi out of bed for a pre-morning spar (it happened more than he'd like to admit.) Without outside intervention, the chance of the two of them winning a fight against Itachi was almost zero. The chance of alerting outside forces without it becoming a fight was also zero. And he knew that Itachi wouldn't think twice about killing Genma if he thought it would get Kakashi's attention. So he waited, and checked for a genjutsu over and over and over, and hoped that somehow, they could make it out of this.

Ronri cawed something at Itachi, and hopped back onto his shoulder. Itachi relaxed, ever so slightly, which meant the perimeter was clear – no one was going to overhear them. Kakashi felt his own stress levels skyrocket, even as Itachi stepped forward slightly, his eyes fixed on Kakashi's, his expression utterly unreadable.

“I made a deal to keep Sasuke out of ROOT,” he said, and Kakashi's world crumbled.

“ROOT was disbanded,” he said hoarsely, because it had been. It had been. Sandaime-sama had said – after everything, with the assassination attempt, and the attempt on Kakashi's life, and Tenzō's rescue; Sandaime-sama had dismantled ROOT. Danzō had retained some control over a faction of ANBU forces, but he had been ordered to stop taking children. After the massacre, ROOT was supposed to have been disbanded entirely. Tenzō had told him, almost giddy with relief. It was supposed to be over.

“No, it wasn't,” Itachi said, and Kakashi knew, he knew, that Itachi wasn't lying.

“What the fuck is ROOT,” said Genma.

So Itachi told him. Told him about Danzō's Foundation, and how he wasn't so much the head of ANBU as he was an entirely different military faction inside Konoha, loyal only to Danzō, and not to the Hokage. How Danzō took children and experimented on them, how he took children from established bloodlines, faked their deaths, and trained them himself. How he had wanted an Uchiha for so, so long, which Kakashi knew, since Danzō had tried to steal his eye.

How the Uchiha had been too strong, so Danzō had used the coup as an excuse to destroy them. How Shisui had lost his eye, and how he had given away the other, before killing himself. How Itachi had murdered his entire clan on Danzō's orders, how he had reported to the Hokage after, how the Hokage had done nothing. His empty words at how he was sorry about what Itachi had been ordered to do, while doing nothing about the fact that Danzō had ordered Itachi to do this when Hiruzen had expressly forbidden it. How Itachi had been ordered to join Akatsuki by Danzō, that as long as he reported the group's actions back to Danzō, Sasuke would be safe. He would be traumatized, angry, betrayed, but he would be safe. He would not be stolen away into the shadows and trained until he was a broken, empty shell to carry out Danzō's will.

Kakashi was angry. He had been angry about ROOT since he'd met Tenzō, since the Hokage had told him about stolen children and experiments. Minato had been Hokage for less than a year, but Kakashi knew he never would have stood for it. He would have burned ROOT to the ground, regardless of Danzō's political strength. He never would have sacrificed children for politics. Minato knew what every ninja knew, that they were tools to be used, that sometimes one must do something distasteful for the good of the many, but ROOT was not that. ROOT was for one person's benefit and one person alone – Danzō. Kakashi had stayed out of it, for the most part. He hadn't had the power to take ROOT down alone, but he had been so sure that Sandaime would take care of it.

He hadn't thought that the Hokage would sign off on the mass slaughter of one of its founding clans. This wasn't Kiri. They were supposed to be better than that.

Genma was angry, too. Kakashi had never seen Genma this angry, not ever. But Genma was not angry at Danzō, or the Hokage. He was angry at Itachi.

“So you're telling me,” he said, and he looked up at Itachi, looked him straight in the eyes, and said, “that instead of dealing with the threat that kept Sasuke safe, you made a deal, and left.”

Itachi seemed startled. Taken aback, even. “I did what I had to do.”

“Did you? Because it seems to me like you left the threat to your brother in power, while you fucked off to play spy for the man who ordered the death of your entire clan.”

“I.” Itachi didn't seem to know what to say, exactly. “...I...”

Kakashi was viscerally reminded that as much as Itachi acted like an adult, he had only been thirteen when he'd killed his entire extended family. That he had only just turned seventeen a month ago. He wasn't saying that Itachi hadn't known what he was doing, because he was a competent ninja. But the older he got the more he realized that someone could be an adept killer, but an utterly hopeless person.

“You need to get the fuck back to the village, is what you need to do. Take some fucking responsibility for your actions. Let your brother know the truth.”

“He wouldn't understand,” Itachi said. “He'd no longer be loyal to the village.”

“Maybe the village doesn't deserve his loyalty,” Genma said.

“We're shinobi,” Itachi growled. “If we have no loyalty, we have nothing.”

“Then I guess you'd better decide who you're loyal to.”

Itachi burst apart into a dozen crows, who cawed hysterically and swept out the window.

Kakashi let out a long breath, and let his eye slide shut. “You're insane.”

Genma was already getting up to retrieve his senbon. First rule of using poisoned senbon - you didn't leave that shit just lying around. He picked up all three, and set them on the dresser. His brought up his thumb to his mouth, and with three quick hand seals he summoned his largest summon. She was an eighteen foot reticulated python named Anzen-sei, and she tasted the air carefully with her tongue before slithering up on the bed and around Genma's shoulders, where she nudged his cheek with her own. Snakes didn't talk in Japanese like his most of his pack could, but they still understood each other. In much the same way that Kakashi had grown up knowing how to speak dog, Genma spoke snake.

It had freaked the hell out of him the first time he'd seen Genma's summons. Kakashi hadn't even known he'd had a summoning contract, and since the only people in Konoha who used snakes were Anko and Orochimaru, he'd thought for one wild moment that they were under attack. Turned out Genma's family had a snake contract too, but they'd never really been flashy about it. Genma's summons were mostly small, deadly snakes who joined him in the shadows, assassination experts of their own. And once Orochimaru betrayed the village, Genma didn't talk about his summons at all.

“You want me to summon the pack? Why am I even asking,” he said, and did so. Just Pakkun, for now, and Bull.

They appeared on the floor next to the bed, Pakkun on Bull's head. Pakkun looked at Anzen-sei and sniffed the air. “Problem, Boss?”

“Uchiha Itachi was just here. Perimeter check? I want to know how he got in.”

“You got it boss,” Pakkun said, and hopped off Bull's head and out the window.

Bull lumbered up onto the bed and laid down between Genma and Kakashi, one paw across Kakashi's leg, and reached out to sniff Anzen-sei. She flicked her tongue at him and settled more comfortably around Genma. Genma reached out and put one hand on Bull's head, scratching him behind the ear.

“Don't do that again,” Kakashi said.

“Do what?” Genma said blithely, but there was an edge to his voice, and he wasn't looking at Kakashi.

“He could have killed you.”

Genma scoffed. “He could have killed both of us in our sleep and we would never have known the difference.”

“What do you want to do?” Because normally he would already be reporting in to either ANBU or the Hokage, but based on the fairly treasonous information they'd all just exchanged, he was inclined to do neither.

“Go see if Sasuke is alright. I'm going to check in on Naruto. Should probably alert his ANBU guard but...”

But then they'd have to explain the threat, and how they knew about it. If Itachi even was a threat. Fuck, what a mess.

“I'll send one of the pack over to Sakura's, thought I doubt Itachi's going to care about a civilian born genin.”

“Who the fuck knows what Itachi wants? I've never been able to get a read on him.”

“...me neither,” Kakashi admitted.

“Be safe,” Genma said, even though their jobs were never safe, especially not when dealing with S rank missing-nin like Itachi.

“You too,” Kakashi said. He pulled his mask down long enough to go in for a kiss. Genma responded with one of his own, one that a bit of a bite to it. Genma was always a little bit vicious when he was worried.

They wasted no time after that, pulling on their uniforms, grabbing weapons, putting on their ANBU masks so they wouldn't be disturbed or interfered with, both leaping out the window and racing off to their destinations. Kakashi would pay for his overuse of the sharingan tomorrow; he could already feel the headache beginning to build behind his eye. That didn't stop him from traveling across the village as fast as he could, all the way out to the empty Uchiha district, only pausing as he reached the balcony outside Sasuke's window.

The boy was asleep, a black cat curled up at his feet. Kakashi's sharingan whirled, looking for clues that what he was seeing was genjutsu, but everything appeared fine. He reached up behind his ANBU mask and pulled down his cloth mask, taking big breaths of scent from around him. Itachi had been here frequently, from the smell, but not since talking to Kakashi. The newest scent was at least a few hours old, and there were layers of others going back months. He silently cursed himself for not noticing earlier. He hadn't bothered to check, before. He hadn't even thought it was a possibility that Itachi would come back here.

Kakashi stayed outside Sasuke's apartment all night, only slipping away when the sun rose and the boy stirred. His adrenaline had carried him through the night, but with the threat of Itachi now less imminent, Kakashi was starting to crash. He was supposed to meet his team for D-ranks in an hour, but he figured he could get in a few hours nap and a bath before they gave up waiting for him and left. Besides, waiting would be good for them. Build character or something.

Genma wasn't back when Kakashi arrived, but Anzen-sei and Bull were still curled up on the bed. Bull snuffled loudly; no disturbances while they'd been gone. Good enough. Kakashi took off his mask, closed the window and re-set the traps, and passed out face first in bed. He'd figure out what the fuck to do about all of this later.

Chapter Text

Two days later, Danzō died in his sleep. Heart attack was the official diagnosis, which was the biggest pile of bullshit Kakashi had ever heard. Danzō was healthier than half the population of Konoha, had survived two world wars, and had far too many ambitions to die from something like a heart attack. A genjutsu cast by a particularly strong user – such as a sharingan master, for instance – was easily capable of triggering a heart attack in an otherwise healthy person. Beyond that, Genma's clan had a recipe for poison that was very, very good at making a death look like a heart attack, and dissipated quickly thereafter. He didn't know which one of them had done it, and he didn't really want to.

At any rate, Kakashi had no proof that Genma had done anything. He hadn't noticed Genma sneaking out at any point during the night, although at this point in their relationship he no longer woke up when Genma got into or out of their bed. No one took credit for the kill, and Genma never said anything about it except a very bland, “well that's too bad,” when Kakashi first told him the news.

They both went to the funeral. The Sandaime made an impassioned speech about his old friend, and lauded Danzō's many accomplishments, and how he had always put the good of the Village above all else. Personally, Kakashi thought he was laying it on a bit thick, but then again, he had been one of the few who knew what Danzō had really done. And he understood politics, even if he had no patience for them himself. They needed to preserve unity in the face of tragedy; the village needed to appear strong. Exposing Danzō's deeds would only kill morale and expose a weakness to their enemies that Konoha could not afford. Even still, he was glad of the mask hiding his face when Danzō was awarded with a number of accomplishments postmortem.

Itachi did not miraculously appear in the village the moment Danzō was killed. Kakashi was grateful for this, because there was only so much drama he could handle at one time, and he was absolutely not ready for the absolute shit show the village would become when he returned. He wasn't the Hokage, so at least he wouldn't have to decide how to handle Itachi's status should he return; whether to arrest him or pardon him, whether to expose the truth of the massacre to the village or keep it hidden. He would have to deal with the fallout in his team, however, and Sasuke was the only tolerable one of his genin at the moment, so he really wasn't looking forward to the wreck he'd be when his brother reappeared. Sasuke's entire drive, his entire raison d'être was becoming strong enough to kill his brother. Learning that Itachi had committed the massacre so under orders might break him completely. And as his jōnin-sensei, Kakashi would be responsible for the fallout there.

His team was an absolute mess. Honestly, Kakashi had no idea what to do with them. They were just similar enough to his own team to give him grief, while also being entirely different. The lack of a war in their lives, probably. Rin had been a fangirl, Obito the dead last, Kakashi the tragic genius, but they'd still been functional. Rin had been a competent medic-nin, she'd saved their lives many times over. Obito had been late, scatterbrained, and obsessed with Rin, but he'd still known more about being a ninja than Naruto. Kakashi had been a jōnin by the time he was Sasuke's age, and had created his own technique, even if it hadn't been perfected until he'd gained Obito's sharingan.

They had all grown up quickly – they'd had to. People were dying, their village was counting on them to be adults even as genin. They'd all known what was at stake, even in the academy. During this time of peace, children had become – well – children. Which was fine; good, probably. Except that Kakashi somehow had to take these children and make them ninja, and he had no idea how to get there from here.

They'd all grasped teamwork once, to pass his test. So abject failure was a motivator, but he couldn't very well threaten to send them back to the academy every single day. And he couldn't trust them to learn and grow on their own; when he was hours late, observing them from the trees, they sat around and bickered, Sakura fawning over Sasuke, Naruto snarling at him, and Sasuke just stood there, waiting. They didn't do kata, or spar with each other, or even do basic stretches. Kakashi knew they taught these things at the academy, and perhaps Naruto had passed on a technicality, but he could have practiced with his shadow clones, at least. And there was no excuse for the other two.

“I don't know what the hell to do with my team,” he said, after a day of D-ranks. He'd started his team on them in hopes that in the face of an actual mission, an actual goal, they could perhaps re-capture whatever kind of motivation had caused them to work together originally. It was – not going well. They did manage to complete their missions, because they were D-ranks, but they weren't getting along, weren't becoming any kind of cohesive unit. If anything, they were getting worse.

“Hm?” Genma was in the library, curled up on the futon laid out in the window seat, napping. A book was laying open next to him on the floor, and Ankashoku, his juvenile mamushi summon, was curled up in his lap.

Since Itachi had broken in, there was always at least one snake crawling around their house now. Kakashi didn't really mind, but it grated at him that Itachi had made Genma feel unsafe in what had previously been their sanctuary.

“Sorry, did you just get in?”

“Got back this morning, after you left,” Genma said, not opening his eyes. “Been napping. 'S nice. Sun's warm.”

He was unbearably adorable. Kakashi decided to push his problems aside (he was a pro,) and crossed the room so he could put his hand in Genma's hair, pull Genma's head back, pull his mask down and put his lips on Genma's; put his tongue down Genma's throat. Genma hummed happily and reached up to fist his hand in Kakashi's shirt and bring him down closer. Ankashoku hissed grumpily at the interruption, and slithered off of Genma's lap to find another place to sleep. Kakashi happily took her place, sliding into Genma's lap, moving his hands up under Genma's shirt to rove over scars and muscle and warm skin.

“Missed you,” Genma said, letting Kakashi pull his shirt off.

“You were only gone for three days,” Kakashi reminded him, taking the momentary lapse of their lips being parted to pull off his own shirt.

“Was a long three days,” was all Genma said. Assassination mission then.

“You're back now though,” he said, and shifted them closer together, grinding down on Genma's pelvis and his rising arousal.

“Yeah,” and Genma flipped them over, so Kakashi was on his back on the futon and Genma was braced on his elbows above him. “You talk too much.”

Kakashi chuckled. “So shut me up.”

Genma's eyes gleamed. “I think I will.”

Kakashi was a screamer in bed, so Genma didn't actually make him any quieter. But they both seemed satisfied with the outcome anyway.

xxx

“So what were you saying about your team?” Genma asked, after they'd gone two rounds and finally separated long enough to bathe. He had wandered out of the bath with a towel around his hair and nothing else, casually picking up the book he'd discarded before they had been distracted by other things.

Kakashi put his book down and stared. “Um.”

Genma smirked, switching his senbon to the other side of his mouth. He stalked across the room, and sat in Kakashi’s lap, his face inches from Kakashi’s. Kakashi swallowed.

“Uh.”

“What. About. Your. Team,” Genma said again. “Focus, Kakashi. Wasn’t twice enough for you?”

“Never,” he said, and then cleared his throat. “I mean. My team. Yes. Uh.”

Genma snickered, and got up. “Just wanted to make sure you were paying attention to the conversation, not the book.”

“I can multitask,” Kakashi groused, “I’m a highly trained ninja, you know.” He pitched his voice to carry into their bedroom, because if he got up and followed Genma, putting on clothes was the last thing that was going to happen.

“Uh huh,” Genma called back, not sounding convinced in the least.

But he took pity on Kakashi and put some pants and a shirt on. Now fully clothed, he climbed over Kakashi to wedge himself in the space between the Kakashi and the window, his head on Kakashi's thigh, the rest of him stretched out across the futon. One leg was thrown over Kakashi's and he let out a contented sigh that had Kakashi swallowing again.

“What’s the problem?” he asked, and Kakashi sighed.

“They’re so green! I don’t know what to do with them. They might as well have not even gone to the academy for all they know. Sasuke’s the only potentially competent one among them, and he wouldn’t know what teamwork was if it bit him in the ass!”

Genma snickered at that. “Well, there’s not a war on.”

“I know, but I thought they would at least know the basics! They don’t even stretch before I show up! Yesterday I watched them for two hours and all they did was fight with each other.”

“So teach them,” Genma said, like it was that easy.

“How?!”

“Well, there’s this cool thing teachers do; they tell their students what they should be doing. With words.”

“Now you’re just making fun of me.”

“Maybe a little. But seriously Kakashi, how else are they supposed to know what they should be doing? Sasuke probably trains himself, but his entire clan died when he was seven, so anything he hadn’t learned before then, he probably doesn’t know how to do. Naruto’s never had anyone to teach him anything; we were all forbidden to so much as speak to him, you know that. And Sakura’s clanless.”

“Surely someone taught them to do stretches. They have a taijutsu class!”

“But school is different than a self-guided study. Give them a routine; have them do the same thing every day, and once it becomes habit, then you can spy on them and see if they do it without you there.”

“...but what do I have them do?”

“Whatever you’re hoping they’d do while you’re not there. Start with stretches, then run them through basic taijutsu drills, strength training, D-rank ninjutsu. Find out what their strengths and weaknesses are.”

“Everything is their weakness,” Kakashi complained.

“So help them find strengths. They passed your test, so they must have some kind of potential. Have you started them on water walking yet?”

Kakashi grimaced. “They don’t have the chakra control for it.”

“Then have them do control exercises. D-ranks in the afternoon, and end the day with laps.”

“Laps?”

“When we were genin, Chōza-sensei used to have us run laps around the village. Gai would scream about Youth the entire way.”

“Of course he did. I doubt my team has the stamina to do laps around the village. Plus if I let Naruto and Sasuke outside the borders I think ANBU would string me up in the Forest of Death.”

Genma kicked him lightly in the shin. “Stop making excuses. You’re their sensei; the sooner you whip them into shape, the happier we’ll all be. If they can’t handle laps around the village yet then they definitely need to work on their stamina. And their teamwork?”

“What teamwork?” he asked grimly.

Genma rolled his eyes. “So use demerits. They’re fresh out of school, so that might be the best approach to take. Any time they insult each other, or Sakura messes up because she’s sighing at Sasuke, or Naruto messes up because he’s sighing at Sakura, or Sasuke ignores either of them, add a kilometer to their run. Any time they work together, take one away. They’ll learn fast.”

“You’ve been watching our training sessions!” Kakashi accused.

“Guard patrol, remember? We follow Naruto everywhere. Even sitting around for four hours because his sensei is late.” Genma’s expression was dark now, accusing.

“...I’m usually only a little late. The rest of the time I just wait to see what they’ll do.”

“Teach them, instead. If you were going to fail them, you should have failed them. Your current approach is just wasting everyone’s time.”

Kakashi sighed. “Fine, fine. But if it doesn’t work, I get to say I told you so.”

“And when it does work, you bring me breakfast in bed, every morning for a week.”

“Deal,” Kakashi agreed, then cursed silently. He should have asked for breakfast in bed.

“Good. I’ve got a shift in two hours, you wanna fuck again?”

“Do you really need to ask?”

Genma chuckled, deep in his throat. “Well, what are you waiting for? Written invitation?”

Kakashi ended up making Genma twenty minutes late for his shift, and he didn’t regret it even a little bit.

Chapter Text

Things were not going well. His genin had grown a lot in the past month, enough that he was sure they’d be ready for an easy C-rank. (Genma had won their bet, as usual, and his team had really started to come together.) It was supposed to be an escort mission, no enemy ninja, just bandits and the like. He’d honestly thought they’d be fine. He’d even packed a new book, confident he’d have it finished before he got back.

Honestly, he should have known better by now. First two enemy chūnin, which his genin had managed to take out without his interference. Sakura had stuck to their target, protecting him from harm. Sasuke had immediately gone on the offensive, immobilizing their targets momentarily. Naruto had initially frozen, but when the two chūnin had broken free, he recovered enough to split into three; a clone taking the brunt of one chūnin's attack, one going to stand in front of Sakura with Sasuke, and the original protecting Tazuna's back. Kakashi stepped in before their client took damage, one arm around each chūnin's neck, ending the fight. They hadn’t quite managed teamwork, since Sakura hadn’t really interacted with the other two, but for their first combat situation, he was pretty proud.

Then they’d run into the obstacle that was Zabuza. They had done well, again, though Kakashi was a little worried about Sakura sticking to Tazuna’s side again. It was technically the correct thing to do - and he hadn’t really expected Naruto or Sasuke to guard their target rather than attack recklessly, but then again, they should have. Sakura should have taken more initiative to attack, or the boys should have stayed back to guard; they should have worked together as a cohesive whole, rather than splintering apart.

But they all made it out alive, and for three genin and a jōnin who wasn’t used to protecting people against a missing-nin, Kakashi couldn’t really complain. He’d work more on making them a cohesive unit while attacking or defending when they got back. They weren’t ready for this, not really. Even Kakashi’s war-time team had more practice before they’d gone up against anyone of Zabuza’s caliber. So keep them alive, focus on the basics, worry about the rest later.

Probably he should have just turned around and gone home. But that had never been Kakashi. And leaving the situation the way it was in Wave...allowing the bridge builder to be killed, and Gatō to win - Kakashi had never liked men like Gatō. And he’d honestly thought they’d get through this.

Even when Naruto was late and Sasuke went up against Haku alone, Kakashi wasn’t too worried. Sasuke had been skilled to begin with, and after a month of drills from someone who knew what he was doing, Sasuke’s skills had grown sharp. He was still terrible in a team situation, but one on one he could fight way above genin level.

And then everything had taken a sharp turn for the worse. A bloodline technique. Kakashi had honestly thought Kiri had wiped them all out. And he couldn’t rescue Sasuke or Tazuna and Sakura would die. So he made a target of himself, instead. And for a moment, it worked. Kakashi took a deep wound to his side, but not a killing blow, like it would have been for Sakura or Tazuna. Sasuke and Naruto were fighting together; they might get out of this.

And then a terrible, familiar chakra filled the air, and a voice boomed out,

“Enough!”

Crows took off in every direction, shrieking and disorienting both Zabuza and himself. When he looked up again, Haku’s mirrors had been shattered, the ninja lying prone on the ground, and a giant red skeletal form surrounded Naruto, who was also on the ground, and Sasuke, who seemed torn between checking on Naruto, and staring horrified at the one who had saved them.

Itachi.

He looked worse for wear. The flashy black and red cloak he'd worn last time Kakashi had seen him was gone, and he was covered in bandages. His eyes had whirled into the mangekyō; blood streamed down his face. He looked furious.

“Yo, Zabuza. Didn’t expect to see you in Wave, of all places,” said a cheerful voice from in front of him.

Kakashi startled, backing up, pulling Tazuna and Sakura with him, away from the man who had appeared in front of them. He hadn’t even noticed, too focused on the threat that was Itachi. He recognized him instantly. With that blue skin and the sword with pointed scales like sharkskin, he could only be Hoshigaki Kisame, the Monster of the Hidden Mist, the Tailless Tailed Beast; S-class missing-nin. What the hell he was doing hanging out with Itachi, Kakashi couldn't even begin to fathom. One thing was certain; Kakashi couldn’t hope to defeat him and keep everyone else alive.

“Kisame. What the hell are you doing here?” Zabuza said, because of course they knew each other.

“Ah, you know, just passing through. Wouldn’t have come this way at all but...well, you had the misfortune of trying to kill my partner’s brother.”

Zabuza glanced behind him and froze. “Your partner is Clan Killer Itachi? Wait. That little brat is Itachi’s brother?”

“Yep. Pretty bad luck, if you ask me.”

“Haku! Haku, get over here.”

Haku was getting to his feet, shaking his head as if to clear it. His mask lay shattered on the ground. He startled to form a seal, as if to whirlwind step to Zabuza’s side, but was blocked by a giant, skeletal hand from Itachi's frankly terrifying jutsu.

“You’re not going anywhere.” Itachi growled. “Kakashi. Are you any better with medical ninjutsu than you used to be?”

Zabuza said, “They know each other? Fuck this job,” at the same time that Kakashi said,

“Not really.”

“Haruno.” Itachi said, turning his gaze to her. Kakashi made to step in front of her, but Sakura was already ensnared, staring up at him with blank, wide eyes.

“M-me? No, I. No.”

“Useless,” Itachi said, and Sakura turned red, stammering. The genjutsu shattered as Itachi looked away, leaving Sakura infuriated and embarrassed but otherwise unharmed.

“You’ll have to do,” he said to Haku. “Fix him.”

“...Zabuza-san?” Haku said, clearly unsure how to proceed.

“Is Itachi going to kill him?” Zabuza asked Kisame.

“Mmm. Itachi, you gonna kill the kid if he helps Sasuke?”

“Not if Sasuke lives,” Itachi bit out.

Kisame shrugged. “He’ll be fine. Meanwhile, I don’t think that Itachi really wants you fighting his brother’s team, you know? But you’ve got a job, yeah?”

“To kill the bridge builder,” Zabuza said, nodding towards Tazuna.

“Ah, yeah. Anything for money, right? Heard you were still trying to stage a coup. Haven’t scratched out your village symbol, even. Clinging to the dream of an ideal Kiri still, Zabuza?”

Zabuza’s eyebrows drew down in anger. “Shut the fuck up Kisame. Not all of us run off the first time we have to kill a comrade.”

“Of the two of us, I wasn’t the one who was chased out of Kiri by the ones I wanted to save.”

“No, you left, like a coward,” Zabuza said, and Kisame’s expression turned to a frown.

“Now you’re asking for it,” he said, and they leapt for each other.

This was quickly becoming an absolute shit show.

“While they’re distracted, Sakura, come on,” Kakashi said, and ushered them across the battlefield.

“Kakashi-sensei, is this. Is this normal?” Sakura said, a mix of embarrassed and horrified.

“Not even a little bit.”

He brought them to a safe place, nearly half a kilometer away, and created a clone. “Stay here. Stay safe, and don’t interfere.”

Sakura nodded. Tazuna didn’t say anything. Kakashi hoped he didn’t have a stroke, or this would all be for nothing.

Kisame and Zabuza were still fighting, moving almost too fast for Kakashi to track without his sharingan. They seemed evenly matched, though that could be because Kisame was clearly injured. Whatever they’d been doing, Itachi and Kisame must have just come from a pretty high rank fight. He left them to it. As long as his genin and his client were safe, he didn’t particularly care who won that fight.

He did care about Sasuke and Naruto, who were both lying on the ground now. Haku had pulled out the senbon and was carefully applying bandages and a salve from his bags, every so often using a touch of healing jutsu. He wasn’t a full fledged medic-nin, Kakashi was pretty sure, or Zabuza would have been on his feet earlier than he was. But he was clearly skilled enough to keep Kakashi’s genin alive.

“It wasn’t personal,” Haku was saying. “I didn’t want to kill them.” Kid had balls, talking to Itachi like that. Maybe he didn’t know who Itachi was, or maybe he honestly hadn’t wanted to kill them.

“We do what we have to,” Itachi said, turning to the side and coughing; a nasty, wet, hacking sound. The skeleton wavered for a moment, before solidifying again. Itachi pulled his hand away from his mouth, and it was covered in blood. Not good. If Itachi was that injured, and he felt threatened, even Sasuke’s presence might not keep them all alive.

“Itachi,” Kakashi said, approaching slowly.

“I’m not going to hurt them, Kakashi. I just put Sasuke to sleep. He wants revenge - he should - but I couldn’t have him compromising his health.”

“...of course.”

“You were supposed to keep him safe, Kakashi. You had one job, and instead you bring him up against an A-rank missing nin.”

“...it was supposed to be a C-rank,” he said.

“Then you should have taken him home the moment it changed,” Itachi snarled. “You were supposed to - you -” he swayed dangerously, and the skeleton finally winked out. He remained standing, his eyes whirling dangerously, one hand clutched in his shirt, near his heart.

“They’re stable now,” Haku said quietly, not meeting Itachi’s eyes.

“Then go away.”

Haku looked at Kakashi, and Naruto and Sasuke, and then over at Itachi's feet, before his mouth pressed into a thin line. “Tell Naruto – tell him –” Haku didn't finish, and flickered away with the sound of howling wind.

“We were on our way to Konoha,” Itachi said slowly, when a cry came from the other side of the battlefield.

“Move, Haku!!”

Kakashi risked a glance, and saw Zabuza panting, one arm useless at his side, the other resting on his sword, which had been driven into the ground, point down. Kisame had his own blade leveled in what would have been a killing blow were Haku not there, holding back the might of his swing with two senbon. Kakashi was impressed, despite himself. Kisame's strength was rumored to be massive. The boy's arms were shaking, and Samehada had bitten into each hand, but he was holding, for now.

“...what now,” Itachi said, as crows began to shriek in alarm around them.

A small army had appeared at one end of the bridge, led by a man in a cheap suit, with wild hair and an unfortunate mustache. He seemed inordinately pleased with Zabuza and Haku's situation.

He chuckled, oozing corrupt satisfaction. “Ooooh, you really got it this time. You disappoint me, Zabuza.”

Zabuza bared his teeth and turned to face the new threat. “Gatō, why did you come here? And who are those henchmen?”

“You know him?” Kisame asked curiously, and let up the pressure on his sword enough for Haku to step away and cover Zabuza's back.

“My client,” Zabuza murmured.

“You really do have the worst luck, Zabuza.”

Gatō was still talking. “Our strategy has changed a little. Sorry about this Zabuza, but you will die here.”

“What.” Zabuza said flatly.

Gatō continued to grin wildly. He obviously didn't know who Kisame was, or he wouldn't have been so cocky. No way were that rag tag bunch of idiots going to hold up against Zabuza and Haku, much less Kisame, if the man decided to attack. Not that Kakashi actually cared. If Kisame did decide to kill them all, maybe Kakashi could get his genin and his client out of this situation safely.

“Since hiring a regular shinobi costs a lot of money, I hired missing-nin instead. And if you'd managed to kill each other off, that would have been even better.”

The man shrugged. “Beaten by a single man and his three brats? I wouldn't really say you're worthy of being called the Demon of the Hidden Mist Village. If you were to ask me,” he said this slyly, as if he found the entire situation hilarious, “you’re just a cute little demon.”

“Does he not even realize we're here,” Itachi said, echoing Kakashi's thoughts. “That man isn't worth the ground Sasuke walks on.”

“Zabuza can handle it, it's not our problem.” Kakashi said.

“Kisame,” Zabuza said, straightening up with effort and yanking his sword out of the ground one-handed, to level at Gatō. “I’m sorry, our fight ends here. It's been nice catching up, but I have a backstabbing client to deal with.”

“Sure, wouldn't want to get in the way of business,” Kisame said, and swung his sword back onto his back. “Come look me up sometime, yeah? Been a while since anyone could keep up with me. Might be in Konoha for a while, if things pan out.”

“Kakashi,” Zabuza's voice rang out, “As long as my reason to take down Tazuna is gone, there is no reason to fight you either.”

“Maa~, no hard feelings,” Kakashi replied, putting on fake cheer he didn't feel. This mission was ridiculous.

“Let's go, Haku.”

“Of course, Zabuza.”

The two Kiri nin took off across the bridge, far faster than Gatō had clearly anticipated. He gasped and tried to hide behind his army, only for Haku to disappear from Zabuza's side, and reappear in front of the man, two senbon already buried in the man's throat.

Kakashi lost track of the battle after that, because several other things happened at once that took priority over his attention. Sakura had appeared, screaming, “Sasuke!” and running right up to Itachi like she wanted to get murdered, only to fall to her knees and cry over him. His clone was behind her, and when he glared at it, the clone shrugged.

“I can't deal with people crying,” it said. “You know how it is.”

He really was the worst.

Tazuna, meanwhile, was not with them. Kakashi had a moment of panic that his client had somehow died, when he finally spotted the man on the opposite side of the bridge as Gatō and his men. Standing with an army of villagers, decked out with whatever weapons they could find, it looked like. Seriously, what the hell was this mission?

Luckily, it looked like Gatō's henchmen, who had been split between running away from their now very dead employer, and attacking Zabuza and Haku, saw the villager's numbers, and Kisame still standing there with his giant sword, and decided that enough was enough. They ran screaming back the way they came, those that weren't cut down escaping on the boat they'd arrived on. Haku jumped down onto the water, and it turned to ice beneath him. Zabuza followed, and they took off after the boat. Kakashi didn't think they'd let any of the men get away, but either way, the threat was probably finished.

That just left him with two extremely dangerous missing-nin, two stable but critically injured genin, a wound he needed to treat sooner rather than later if he didn't want to bleed out, and a massive amount of civilians who needed to back the fuck up, right now, before Itachi and Kisame decided they were a threat. Or that they wanted target practice. Honestly he didn't know either of them well enough to say for sure what they would do.

“Kisame,” Itachi said, and Kakashi flinched. His clone's eyes widened, and he disappeared, re-appearing in front of the villagers, his sharingan fixed on Kisame.

“Kisame, I'm going to pass out.”

Kisame was fast, even considering all the other ninja on the battlefield. He appeared in front of Itachi just in time to catch him as he crumpled, unconscious. “This idiot never does things halfway,” Kisame said, and it was almost – fond. “Better take him to a doctor, if he's going to live long enough to make it to Konoha.”

“Is he turning himself in?” Kakashi asked, because they hadn't really acted like they were heading to Konoha to wipe it from existence. They hadn't even tried to kill him, after all.

“Nah, Itachi wants to report in to the Hokage. Haven't you seen the latest Bingo Book? Itachi doesn't even have a bounty; it was canceled. Something about the man he made a deal with kicking the bucket.”

Kakashi had not known that. A new Bingo Book was printed every month or so, and he'd been busy training his genin. Had they really recalled Itachi's bounty? That was as good as admitting he hadn't been to blame for the massacre at all.

“Anyway, see you soon, I guess. Try not to get Sasuke killed before we see each other again. I’d hate to have to pick bits of your flesh out of Samehada’s hide. So much work, you know?” And then he flickered away, leaving only a puddle of water behind.

“Kakashi-sensei,” Sakura said after a moment, scrubbing away her tears. “Does this mean we won?”

“...I guess it does,” he replied, and grimaced. There was going to be a hell of a cleanup. And the paperwork – just thinking about writing a mission report for this clusterfuck was giving him a headache. Or maybe that was chakra exhaustion. Or the blood loss.

Either way, Kakashi knew one thing for certain - this was hands-down one of the worst missions he'd ever been on.

Chapter Text

After the shit show that was the fight they'd just gone through, Kakashi really would have preferred to rest, at least a little. Unfortunately, Naruto was up and about the very next day, grilling Kakashi for information on Haku, what happened after he passed out, and why Sasuke was being 'even more of an asshole than usual.' Kakashi answered some of his questions, but for every one he answered, Naruto had five more, so eventually he sent him to go do laps around the village, just to make him stop. It was almost adorable, how much he asked about Haku. Kakashi was pretty sure Naruto had a crush. Maybe it would be better if that crush weren't on a missing-nin from Kiri, but still. Adorable.

Sakura alternated her time between sitting with Sasuke and demanding Kakashi help her become a better ninja. “He called me useless,” she said. “And he was right. I – I couldn't do anything. Everyone was danger and I couldn't do anything. Kakashi-sensei, I don't ever want to be useless again.”

It was a heartfelt declaration, but not one they could really follow through with out in the middle of nowhere with limited resources. Sakura was the type of person who liked to do research, and they were miles from a library. But she had good chakra control, and with some work, it could become excellent. Once she mastered that, there would be many different avenues she could explore. She could go into medical ninjutsu, but there were many styles of fighting that required precise control that she could pursue. Assassination techniques, for instance. She might not be a powerhouse like Sasuke or Naruto had the potential to become, but she wouldn't need to be, if she specialized in assassination.

So he had her do chakra control exercises, and began teaching her the basics of the Hiding-in-Mist technique, which he'd copied from Zabuza during their fight. It would be better if he had an actual scroll she could learn from, because trying to teach something he'd copied with his sharingan was difficult, to say the least. Still, he could teach her the hand signs, and then worry about trying to get a scroll later, once they got back to the village. Anko would help him sneak a scroll on the technique out of T&I, especially if he told her it was to help Sakura become an assassin. (Though honestly, he could just dare her that she wouldn't be able to sneak it out past Ibiki, and it was pretty much guaranteed to show up at his house the next day.)

Sasuke was a whole other problem. He was unconscious for two days, between his wounds and Itachi's genjutsu. When he first woke up, he was berserk with rage, and actually made a spirited attempt to get past Kakashi and race off to find Itachi. All he actually managed to do was pass out from chakra exhaustion after overusing his sharingan, and the next time he woke up -

It was like all the fight had been drained out of him.

“Why did he save me, Kakashi-sensei? What was the point? Why did he – just...why?”

Kakashi didn't know what to say.

Naruto was the one to break him out of it. He came into Sasuke's room on the second day, and declared, “Sasuke! You've been in here so long you've fallen behind! I've learned to walk on water. Who's the number one ninja now?!”

It was a ridiculous claim, of course. Naruto had tried to walk on water and had put so much chakra into his feet, he'd been blasted fifteen feet into the air. Still, his boast seemed to work, because Sasuke rolled his eyes and said, “Not you, idiot.”

He actually got out of bed and joined them for training and shifts guarding the bridge. He was still quiet, but that was normal for him. He even offered Naruto some tips on standing on water without falling in. Kakashi was still looking forward to making Sasuke into Inoichi's problem the moment they got back to the village. Was Sasuke in regular therapy? Because he needed therapy. (Kakashi needed therapy, but that was beside the point. He was functional. He had a real relationship now. He ran away every time he saw Inoichi in public.)

Somehow he managed to get his team through the time it took to complete the bridge. Things moved much faster now that the builders weren't worried about being murdered during their work, and everything was finally completed just under a month after they'd originally left Konoha. They finally waved goodbye to Tazuna, and headed back to Konoha. From the mainland, it was about a three day journey back to the village at a normal walking pace, though a jōnin would have been able to make it in one. Since his genin need the practice traveling quickly, and they no longer had a client to keep pace with them, Kakashi showed them the basics of boosting their movements with chakra, and they all took off towards home. They did better than he was expecting, honestly. Apparently all the laps he'd been having them them do had really made a difference in their overall stamina. (Somewhere, Genma was feeling particularly smug, and didn't know why.)

In the end it took them just over two days to get back. His team was exhausted, but considering they'd shaved an entire twenty-four hours over their previous travel time, he was proud of them. Kakashi was looking forward to his own bed, a stiff drink, and Genma. And most importantly – no genin.

Alas it was not to be.

They returned to a village in chaos. The gates were closed, and there was a giant cloth hanging from the wall, with a red cross on it. Naruto's ANBU guard were waiting for them, one standing at the gate with Izumo and Kotetsu (who were wearing medical masks), two up on the wall, and one in the woods. Genma was one of the ANBU at the gate, glaring at Kakashi through his snake mask. (Someone in ANBU had a vendetta again secret identities, because giving Kakashi the hound mask and Genma the snake one? Please.) Apparently his preliminary mission report had been delivered successfully, and the Hokage had not been pleased.

Naruto's eyes widened as Genma fell in step with them, the other three following from a distance. It was probably a bit of a shock for him, since normally his guard were forbidden from interacting with him. He probably didn't even know he had a guard. Which...Kakashi should probably start teaching him to notice when he was being followed, and how to differentiate people by scent. It would probably get him in trouble with someone, but it could save Naruto's life some day. Not everyone who was following him would be doing so for his own benefit.

Genma bullied them into the hospital for a checkup. He didn't trust 'shitty field medicine,' and insisted all three of them be looked over 'by a real doctor, Kakashi.' Sakura came along too, because learning to break your teammates out of a hospital was a time-honored tradition among Team 7, and woe be unto Kakashi for breaking it. After getting their blood drawn 'to check for infection' a harried looking medic-nin had said, like that was supposed to have some kind of special meaning to him, Naruto and Sakura were chased out of the hospital. Sasuke was checked into the regular ward for some more intense healing and overnight observation, and Kakashi sat through a lecture on keeping his wounds clean while the gash on his side was re-stitched and re-dressed.

He escaped at the earliest opportunity, though he left a clone to watch Sasuke, just in case. On his way out of the hospital (at a gentle amble, because nothing let medic-nin know you were escaping faster than actually running,) he almost ran into Tenzō, who was entering the hospital, carrying flowers.

Since Tenzō hated hospitals almost as much as Kakashi, he couldn't help but ask,“what are you doing in the hospital, Tenzō?”

Tenzō startled a bit, but then shrugged. “One of my kids has tuberculosis. He's been stuck in the isolation ward for the last couple weeks. Just got moved over to the regular ward today.”

“...you have a genin team?”

Tenzō looked at him blankly. “I adopted two of the kids they pulled out of ROOT. ...did I not tell you?”

“Ah. No. No you did not.” Come to think of it, he hadn't really spent that much time with Tenzō since Danzō's death. He'd been busy with his team, and then the nightmare of a “C-rank” mission. He hadn't even really noticed that Tenzō hadn't been at the bar the last few times he'd gone, and he felt a momentary pang of guilt about that. He and Tenzō were – well, perhaps not friends; they were both too awkward for that. But partners, at least. He really should probably make more time for the other man. (Personal growth, Genma would say, and be so proud.)

“Oh.” Tenzō said. Then, “they're brothers – Shin and Sai. Shin was really sick. I'm glad we caught it in time.”

I'm glad Danzō died before Shin did, Tenzō didn't say, but Kakashi understood him anyway.

“That's good. Er, not that he's sick but. Yeah. We have a whole tuberculosis ward now?”

“Apparently Konoha is...what did Tsunade-sama say? Infested? I don't think I've ever seen anyone that upset, ever. She pretty much took over the hospital. And the village.”

“Huh.”

“You're up to date on your vaccines, right?”

“I...think so?”

“Better figure it out before someone shows up at your door. Tsunade-sama's made them mandatory; no exceptions except for health reasons.”

“No clan exceptions?”

“None.”

Kakashi entertained a brief thought of Tsunade breaking down the wall to the Hyūga compound, armed with vaccines. It was a fairly entertaining mental image, if a little terrifying.

“And to think, she hadn't wanted to be Hokage at all.”

“Apparently she doesn't trust anyone else to clean up the mess,” Tenzō said, and his tone made it clear that he wasn't just talking about a tuberculosis breakout.

“Good,” Kakashi said firmly. “Someone has to.”

He turned to go, but Tenzō stopped him. “Bring your genin by sometime, once Shin gets out of the hospital. Socializing would be good for them.”

“If anyone can bring them out of their shell, it'll be Naruto. I swear he's worse than Gai.”

That made Tenzō laugh. “I'd feel bad for you, but you probably deserve it.”

“Yeah yeah. Hope your kid gets better soon,” Kakashi said, waving goodbye over his shoulder.

“Thanks. See you,” Tenzō called to his swiftly retreating back. “Don't forget! I'll tell Genma if you don't come over!”

Kakashi walked faster. Honestly, everyone was so mean to him.

xxx

“Genma, what the hell is going on?” Kakashi asked, when Genma finally returned from his shift of Naruto-watching. “Tsunade is the Hokage, Naruto and Sasuke's ANBU guard has doubled, Sakura has an ANBU guard now, there's rumors of conspiracy and treachery, and at least three people mentioned a giant blue man with a sword on his back and are Kisame and Itachi here?!”

Genma paused in the entry-way, half-way through pulling off his sandals. He sighed heavily. “A lot happened while you were gone.”

“We were only gone a month!”

Genma finished taking off his sandals, unstrapped his gear and hung it up, and then went straight to the cabinet for a bottle of sake and two cups. Apparently it was that bad. He let Genma pour for him, and returned the favor, and they both gulped it down before Genma even sat down. Second cups were poured, and Genma took a sip of this one before answering.

“Tsunade-sama arrived a few days after you left. I was not assigned to guard duty, so I don't know what exactly they discussed. There's been...some muttering about Danzō's experiments. The Hokage has been keeping a pretty good lid on things, but something about either Danzō's body itself or something they found in the lab was enough to get Tsunade-sama to come back to the village, and bad enough that she put a hole through Hokage tower.”

Kakashi winced. He was glad he missed that scene, and the inevitable cleanup.

“After that it seemed like she was going to leave; no one was really surprised about that. But she heard Hayate coughing on her way out, and stopped right at the gate to do a full on medical exam, and the next thing you know, the village has been quarantined and there's a tuberculosis ward set up at the hospital, and we're all being treated for either an active infection or being a carrier.”

“You have tuberculosis?!”

“You probably have tuberculosis. Mine was dormant but Raidō's wasn't, although it was in the early stages so he wasn't showing symptoms yet. A quarter of the village has an active infection, with varying degrees of severity. There's a higher infection rate among shinobi and over half of the former ROOT operatives are sick. Hayate and one of the ROOT kids were the worst though, until Itachi showed up.”

“... How'd that go anyway?”

Genma shot him a withering look. “Even with your report, having two S-class missing-nin appear in the Hokage's office without warning was an absolute clusterfuck. Did you know Itachi has been keyed into the village wards this whole time?”

So that was how he was getting in.

“It's a good fucking thing I was on guard duty because anyone else would probably gone straight for Itachi's throat and that would have ended poorly. I did draw my sword on Kisame. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be disarmed before you can finish drawing and then have the Hokage save you by picking up the threat and tossing him out a window?!”

Genma finished his glass and motioned Kakashi to pour another, which he did.

“Then, like nothing has even happened Itachi starts giving his report; apparently he and Kisame completely dismantled Akatsuki for their own reasons, but before he even finished he started coughing his lungs out and ended up spitting blood all over the floor. So then Tsunade-sama is screaming for Shizune and Kisame has climbed back in the room, except he's been noticed coming back in, so now we have people breaking down the door to get to Tsunade-sama and Shizune is saying we needed to get Itachi into quarantine yesterday and it. Was. A. Fucking. Mess.”

“Damn.” Kakashi said.

“Yeah. You and your team should have their results back by tomorrow, so make sure you got to the hospital and get them. Itachi is extremely contagious, according to Shizune. Probably should have made you wait for your results but I'm on medication so it's probably fine for one night and I am. Tired.

Did you report in yet?”

“I stopped by the jōnin office and signed a few things. Having a different Hokage to report to than the one that sent me out – well. Honestly I thought I'd let everyone get some sleep first.” Mostly he just hadn't wanted to deal with it. And apparently Tsunade was willing to let it slide, since she was dealing with a major infectious outbreak.

“If someone breaks down our door because you didn't report in properly, you're dealing with it.”

“That's fair.”

“Good. Let's get some fucking asleep. I'm exhausted.”

They left their dishes in the sink. They didn't even have sex, just curled up together and passed out.

xxx

The next day, Kakashi went to the hospital first thing, to get his team's results. Besides the fact that Genma might strangle him if he didn't, he didn't want to deal with being chased down by the Hokage herself about his medical tests. It was mostly good news. Kakashi somehow had avoided being either a carrier or infected, probably due to the fact that he rarely took of his mask. Sakura had been immunized as a child, and was fine, though they wanted to do a follow-up test every month. Naruto was fine as well, the Kyūbi's chakra burning away any chance of infection just as it did with injuries and poison. Which was. Good?

Sasuke however, was not so lucky. He had an active infection, which had apparently worsened as his body was stressed due to his injuries, and his recent exposure to Itachi gave him a higher chance of contracting the multiple-resistant strain of the disease that Itachi apparently had. Kakashi hadn't even known there were different types of tuberculosis, but there were, apparently, and his student was at risk for the worst one. They'd moved him to ICU, and quarantined the room. When he went to see Sasuke, Kakashi found his clone standing guard outside the room, though it was wearing a medical mask on top of its regular one.

“He'll be safe. Trust me,” his clone said, and Kakashi had to refrain from rolling his eye. Clones got a little weird the longer they stayed separated, but he did feel better knowing someone was keeping an eye on his student.

Kakashi wasn't actually allowed into Sasuke's room, but he looked in on him from the observation window. Sasuke was sleeping, so Kakashi just watched him breathe for a while, to help remind himself that he was still alive. Then he went to the graveyard and told Obito, Rin, and Minato about their terrible, terrible mission.

He stopped at Kushina's grave too, even though most days even speaking to her gravestone was too painful. “You'd be really proud of Naruto,” he told her. “He was scared at first, but he pulled himself together to protect his team.”

There was no reply.

xxx

When he finally dragged himself to Team 7's meeting place, almost three hours late, Genma was there waiting for him, and had Naruto and Sakura doing drills.

“...Genma?”

“I've been told to give you this, and you're to report to the Hokage immediately,” Genma said, handing Kakashi a scroll. “Keep your back straight Naruto, or I'll make you do fifty more push-ups.”

“Aw, man!” Naruto grumbled, but fixed his form.

“They're never this well behaved for me,” Kakashi grumbled.

“It's about finding the right balance between kind and terrifying,” Genma said, and demonstrated with a smile that walked that exact edge. Kakashi shivered.

“...I'll work on that,” he said, to which Sakura and Naruto groaned. Huh. Maybe Genma was really onto something.

Kakashi opened the scroll and glanced through the contents. Then he read it again, more carefully, but it still said what he'd thought it had said the first time. It was long and official and formally worded but the gist of it was - Genma was taking Kakashi's team while Kakashi – as one of the only jōnin who wasn't under quarantine from an active or dormant infection – ran damage control. Word of the quarantine had spread, what with people being turned away at the village borders, and a national health emergency for all of Fire Country having been called. There were apparently more than a few people who thought it was an excellent time to test their borders. Tsunade-sama needed someone who could reinforce Konoha's strength brutally and efficiently.

“Naruto, Sakura, Genma will be your sensei for the foreseeable future.”

They both stopped doing pushups at his words, and stared up at him in shock. Genma sighed, and moved his senbon to the other side of his mouth, but didn't reprimand them.

“Whaaaaat? You're just dumping us Kakashi-sensei? Just like that?” Naruto accused, and Kakashi had to suppress his flinch at the words.

“...it's because everyone's sick, right Kakashi-sensei?” Sakura said slowly. “We're turning away people at the borders, civilians are being asked to wear masks for safety, and they're offering emergency medical training at the hospital for any civilian with a medical background, and any genin who can demonstrate proper chakra control.”

When Kakashi raised his eyebrow at her she flushed, and looked away, mumbling, “I saw the advertisement in the hospital yesterday. I thought I might try because – because I wasn't able to help Sasuke-kun.”

Of course she was motivated by Sasuke. Still, honing her skills could only be to her benefit. If she could pick up some medical training, even better. And it gave him a reason not to really answer Naruto's accusation, because it hit a little too close to home. A month ago he would have given anything to get away from his team. Now – he was worried. He knew Genma would take care of them; hell, he'd probably be a better teacher than Kakashi ever could, but he was still worried.

“That's right. A lot of ninja are out sick right now, or are like Genma; grounded until their treatment is done. Tsunade-sama is taking the health of the village very seriously. But that means that some people think they can use this as an opportunity to invade, so I -”

“Oh, oh, oh, so you're gonna go kick their ass, right Kakashi-sensei?” Naruto butted in, hopping up and down in his excitement. “And then you'll come back and teach us something really cool, right? So we can kick their asses too!”

“Let him talk, idiot!” Sakura said to him, and raised her arm like she was going to punch him, but then carefully put it back down. Good, she remembered the demerits. Genma had a special gleam in his eye watching her, too. They were going to do so many laps while he was gone.

“Yes, that's basically it,” Kakashi said, shrugging. “As for something cool, I'm sure Genma would love to show you cool things, since he's your interim sensei. He's a personal bodyguard, you know. I'm sure he's learned a lot, protecting the Hokage.”

And just like that, Naruto swung around to Genma, practically screeching, “you've been a bodyguard for the Hokage?! I'm going to be the Hokage! You have to teach me everything!”

Kakashi took the opening and ran. He'd probably pay for it later, but he got out of there without anyone crying on him, so he was counting it as a win. He really hoped Genma didn't try to assassinate him later...ah well, that was future-him's problem.

He considered skipping all of the paperwork and bullshitting and just appearing in Tsunade-sama's window. However, since the last person to do that had probably been Kisame...Kakashi liked all of his organs right where they were. So he went in the front door and through about twice as many security checkpoints as normal, before he was finally standing in front of the Hokage.

“Hatake Kakashi,” Tsunade bellowed the moment the door was closed. “How is it, exactly, that you have been involved in almost all of my current headaches?”

“Uh.”

She sighed, and waved her hand as if to say, 'it's rhetorical,' before pulling out her copy of the mission briefing. “I don't like separating a jōnin-sensei from his students, but the list of people I can send to deal with this that won't spread disease or come back in a body bag are distressingly few.”

“I understand, Hokage-sama.”

“Good. You'll be head of team one, with Hana Inuzuka and Muta Aburame under your command. I've included all of our intel on breached borders, but T&I is running short staffed just like everyone else. You'll be responsible for the border from Iron into Hot Water Country where you'll assist team two as needed. We are expecting scouting parties from Kumogakure, and there have already been skirmishes with ninja from Otogakure.”

“How would you like to deal with – intruders?”

Tsunade's mouth set into a firm line. “Officially we're not at war with anyone, and I'd like to keep it that way. However, hostile action inside our borders will not be tolerated. Thus you are to track down intruders and drive them back to where they came from. If they absolutely will not be deterred, you have authorization for permanent action.”

“We will not fail.”

“Good. And tell them to get checked for preventable diseases, for Kami's sake. We're under a health emergency for a reason.” Tsunade leaned over and opened a drawer in her desk, rummaging around for something. “Who sends people into a country that is advertising that it's riddled with a highly infectious disease?! Idiots, all of them.”

“...”

She made a noise of triumph and sat back up, a bottle of sake clutched firmly in one hand. When she saw that he was still there, she scowled. “Dismissed!”

“...yes, Hokage-sama.”

Kakashi stopped back at his house to grab his go-bag, adding some more of everything, since he wasn't exactly sure how long he'd be gone, and write Genma a quick note asking him to please have someone replace his clone on Sasuke guard-duty, because he didn't want to leave his student alone, but also he'd probably need his chakra back at some point. Hopefully Genma wasn't so mad that he would help with that. Then he met his team at the gates.

What followed was three months of hell. Kakashi's team spent their days running the border, moving from border station to border station, checking in with the guards, exchanging intel, with frequent stops to let Kakashi's pack, Hana's ninken, and Muta's shōkaichū scout the area. When they inevitably found trespassers (more than intel had indicated, less than Kakashi had feared,) they tracked them silently and swiftly. Kakashi would present himself, along with documents from the Hokage, reminding enemy ninja that not only were they trespassing, but that the borders were closed for legitimate means, and they were risking spreading a disease to their own country just by invading.

About a third of the time, invading scouting parties could be convinced to leave without it coming to a fight. The rest of the time, Kakashi and his team drove them out with prejudice. They only had to use lethal action on six particularly stupid enemy shinobi, though they also captured three missing-nin who were stupid enough to try and sneak past them. The bounties provided a modest sum for each of them to send back to Konoha, though Kakashi would have preferred to not have had to deal with them at all.

It was exhausting, mind-numbing work. Twice Kakashi dropped after a battle due to chakra exhaustion, which caused no end of nagging from Hana. Though she was technically more qualified to work on ninken than humans, Hana kept their entire team running at high efficiency, even when they were low on rest and supplies. Muta's bugs were also a vital part of the effort, since he could cloud the team's chakra signature and attack enemies silently and catch most enemy ninja unaware.

They made a good team, overall. But after months of little friendly interaction outside of each other, it was a relief to finally get the message that they were being recalled. The country's borders would re-open, and enough ninja had been declared that Kakashi's team could go home. Kakashi briefly considered visiting an onsen in Hot Water Country on their way back, but since Hana's ninken wouldn't be welcome and Muta's bugs potentially wouldn't survive being dipped in superheated water, he decided to stop in an open market, instead, so they could pick up souvenirs. (It was Hana's idea; she insisted she have something to bring back to Kiba after being gone for so long. Muta picked up something for Shino and a few other children in his clan, and so Kakashi bought gifts for his own genin, mostly out of guilt. Genma's present was easier, and Kakashi was extremely interested in getting back home and trying it out with him.)

To say that Kakashi was surprised when he came home from three months of killing to find all three of his genin at his house doing homework was to grossly under represent the depth of emotion that Kakashi was capable of expressing. Because – what the fuck. They all looked equally surprised to see him too, which would have been confusing, but then Kakashi remembered this was technically Genma's house. Which. Fuck.

Sakura opened her mouth and Kakashi held up his hand. “Nope. Whatever it is, whatever this is,” he said, gesturing to their combined mess all over the kotatsu (fuck, he really hoped that was a new kotatsu, they'd fucked on the last one. Genma wouldn't let the genin do their homework on a table he'd screwed Kakashi on, would he?) “what was I saying? Right. Whatever it is can wait until I've slept for the next week.”

“But...Kakashi-sensei-” Naruto said, very slowly, like he was actually worried about Kakashi, which would have been adorable at literally any other time.

“Nope!”

Genma was not in their bedroom, which was fine, because instead of showering and taking a bath like he normally would have done, Kakashi laid right down on their nice clean bed in his sweaty, dirty, post mission clothes (he was a little pissed about the genin in his living room, so what.) After three months of sleeping in trees and ditches and caves (only one of which had happened to still be inhabited by a bear,) his bed was so damn comfy. Kakashi was asleep in seconds.

Chapter Text

When he managed to crawl out of bed some indeterminate amount of time later, soaked in the bath for at least two hours, and then stumbled out into the kitchen, there were still genin in his house. Or...probably again instead of still, since it was not quite noon, Kakashi had gotten back just before dinner, and he knew he'd slept at least twenty-four hours. He glared at them, because they were in his house and still looking at him like they didn't know why he was there.

“Have you really been asleep this whole time?” Naruto asked. Of course it was Naruto. He wouldn't know an inappropriate question if it bit him in the ass.

“Yep.”

“It's been three days,” said Sakura. Well at least he knew how long he'd been out for. Shit, he needed to go turn in his report. Somehow he didn't think Tsunade would be as lenient about that as the Sandaime.

“Mmhm,” he said, and put water on for tea.

“...you slept in Genma's bed,” Sasuke said quietly. And Kakashi had thought he was the quiet one. Genma must have infected him.

“And last I heard, you were in a hospital.”

“...maybe we should let Kakashi-sensei have his tea,” Sakura said, proving that she was the voice of reason.

He scowled behind his mask the entire time his water took to boil, and then the entire time it took the tea to brew. He didn't know exactly why he was upset – no, scratch that, he knew exactly why he was upset. This was his space, his and Genma's. They didn't have to pretend here, they could just be. Kakashi had stopped wearing his face mask the second year they'd lived together. Their house had a very specific smell; a mix of his and Genma's scents, his pack, Genma's snakes, Genma's poisons, and the oil he used to sharpen his sword. Now it was all wrong; his genin were stinking the place up, muddling all the scents, and it was really getting on Kakashi's nerves. He wanted to fucking rest after his mission, but he couldn't, because the kids were here. Which maybe wasn't fair to them, but they were part of his job, and he didn't think it was completely unreasonably to want some kind of job-life separation. Wasn't that supposed to be healthy?

Kakashi drank his first cup of tea in one quick gulp, not even flinching when he immediately burned his tongue and throat. Fuck it. He made another, and brought it over to the kotatsu where he sat down and glared at his genin. (It was a new kotatsu, thank the fucking gods. Some lines shouldn't be crossed.)

“What are you three doing here?”

They all looked at each other, and Naruto said, “er, Kakashi-sensei...why are you here?”

“I asked first,” he said petulantly, and had to hide his face behind his hand so he could pull his mask down and take a sip of his tea. It was incredibly annoying.

“Uh, we live here.”

Kakashi whipped his head around to the side and pulled his mask up at the same time, and started coughing into his hand. That tea had definitely gone down the wrong tube, because -

“Well, we don't live live here, I mean, Sasuke does, but we're basically here the rest of the time anyway because Genma-sensei saw my apartment and said it was a bio-hazard, and we also visited Sakura and I've always wanted parents, but if all parents are like hers maybe I'm glad I'm an orphan – ow!” Naruto stopped mid ramble as Sakura brought down her fist on his head.

“Idiot!”

“They wanted you to go on a diet! They asked you when you were getting married! They got mad that you cut your hair and stopped wearing bright pink clothes. Your mother actually cried!”

Sakura mumbled something under her breath about over-protectiveness and how Naruto wouldn't understand.

“Parents aren't always like that,” Sasuke said. “Although it's possible that my parents would have talked about marriage, but Itachi was engaged to my cousin Shisui before I was born.” Kakashi was actually proud that Sasuke managed to get through the sentence without looking like he wanted to stage a siege on the hospital and kill his brother. Or he would have been, had he not already been upset that they were there.

“So he was what, like seven? Parents suck,” Naruto said definitively. “I'm never getting married.”

“Of course you're not, because who would go out with you,” Sakura hissed.

Sasuke widened his eyes and looked behind her like he saw something terrifying. “Genma-sensei, she didn't mean it, please don't give us ten laps around the village,” and Sakura whipped around to look, but no one was there, and then turned back around to glare at him with murder in her eyes.

Sasuke was actually snickering. Sasuke. Snickering. What the fuck.

“What the hell did Genma do to you three?”

“Nuh-uh!” Naruto said. “You still haven't said why you're here, you first!”

“This is my house,” he said bluntly.

“Eh?!”

Kakashi did not elaborate. They all stared at him in disbelief for several minutes. Naruto and Sakura made increasingly confused noises, while Sasuke studied Kakashi critically. It was an eerily intense stare that reminded Kakashi uncomfortably of Itachi.

“This is the Shiranui clan compound,” Sasuke said. “The Hatake lands are on the other side of the village, near the Inuzuka. The Hatake are known for strong, permanent relationships and aggressively defending their territory. You have been thirty percent more aggressive than usual, and only ten percent of that can be attributed to post-mission stress. All of which means if this is your house, they you must be in a permanent relationship with Genma.”

“Eeeeeh?! Genma-sensei and Kakashi sensei are dating?!”

“We're actually married, according to several Hatake and Shiranui clan traditions, though we haven't made it official,” Genma said, having appeared right behind Kakashi.

Kakashi actually snarled at that. “When I ask you to marry me, you'll know it. I'm not getting married just because some old, dead assholes thought that two consenting adults couldn't cohabitate without a fucking ring.”

“...shit, you're really mad, aren't you.”

Kakashi rumbled unhappily in his throat, and Genma put a hand in his hair, scratching at his scalp lightly. Kakashi closed his eyes despite the fact that he was still angry. He could be pissed and enjoy himself at the same time. He could. He was absolutely not going to forgive Genma for practically moving his genin team in without asking him just because his fingers were fucking magical. He wasn't.

“I don't forgive you,” he said, just so they were clear.

“Of course not,” Genma said, but he sounded like he was smiling.

“You adopted children without telling me,” he complained.

“Only one, and he's supposed to be under observation for the next six months. I wasn't going to leave him in the hospital.”

Kakashi cracked his eye open, leaned back, and glared suspiciously at Genma.

“I'm serious! He has to be observed!”

Kakashi turned his glare on Sasuke, who said carefully, “Tsunade-sama did...say that I needed to be observed. But a clone could have stayed with me.”

“You are not helping,” Genma said.

Kakashi sighed. “Maa, no one could sustain a clone for six months. ...maybe Naruto.”

“I brought you lunch,” Genma said, while Naruto shrieked “ha! I can do something you can't do, Sasuke-kun!” in the background.

“...”

Genma pulled out money and handed it to Sasuke. “You three, out. Go get food or something.”

“Ramen!” Naruto squealed, and Sakura shouted, “Why is it always ramen!”

Sasuke sighed and gathered up all their papers, scrolls, books, and brushes off the kotatsu. “I'm putting your shit in my room. And we're getting hotpot, because I have the money.”

“Aw maaaaaaan,” Naruto whined.

“Extra beef, right Sasuke?” Sakura said, cheerfully.

“No, no, extra squid! Squid!” Naruto demanded.

“We're getting vegetables.” Sasuke said, and that set both of the others off. They stormed out of the house together, still arguing, but not in the sharp, hatefully way they would have before Kakashi had left.

“You really did a good job with them,” Kakashi said grudgingly. He gave them five minutes to forget something and come back, and then pulled his mask down, making grabbing motions for the takeout Genma was still carrying.

“They had a good foundation.”

Kakashi grunted in disbelief.

“I'm serious. You really pulled your shit together.” Genma set the takeout down – four entire grilled salmon, at least a pound of rice, and a small side of vegetables. There was another container just full of beef bones, and Kakashi summoned his pack and distributed them before he started devouring his own food.

Genma sat down across from him and opened his own lunch – a disgustingly cute bento, with steamed buns shaped like pigs. He summoned Ankashoku and fed her whole eggs, and Urushi came over and ate his bone on Kakashi's thigh. It was quiet, besides the various sounds of everyone eating. All the smells of his pack and Genma's summon and Genma were mixing together and giving him that feeling of safe, home, that loosened knots of tension in his spine.

This. This was what he'd wanted.

“Sorry I got so upset,” he said, because now that there was food, and they were alone, he felt bad.

Genma shook his head. “You've been on a mission for three months. I should have kept them out of the house. We normally do team bonding and research days on Saturdays instead of missions and regular training, and I wasn't sure exactly how long you'd sleep for, but I still should have had them work at the library or something. I knew you were mad at me, you slept in your mission clothes.”

“...I did.”

“I suppose I'd better do all the laundry, as penance.”

“...you could do that.”

“If I do will you stop feeling guilty for being upset? You're allowed to get upset, you know.”

“It's just a stupid thing to get upset about.”

“Kakashi, I adopted a kid without asking you. That's a pretty fucking big deal.”

“It is,” he admitted, pushing the last of his rice around with his chopsticks, before deciding he was still hungry enough to eat it.

“It's just,” he said, when he'd licked his plate clean, “I've been thinking about doing the same thing. Not really consciously, and I don't know if I'd have actually done it, but seeing him all alone in that district, and with Itachi here, even if he's on lockdown in the hospital...I want Sasuke to be safe. Itachi is still on lockdown in the hospital, isn't he?”

“Yeah, for at least another three months. After that – well, it's a mess. Since it turns out Itachi was acting under orders, he hasn't actually been disinherited and is still the clan head. So legally, he's still responsible for Sasuke.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah. He's formally requested to meet with Sasuke four times already, but I've been ignoring him.”

“We should...probably tell him.”

“I was waiting till you got back to get your opinion, and Tsunade said in no uncertain terms that Sasuke was not to visit with Itachi until both of them had undergone treatment for at least three months, to give the medicine time to suppress the active tuberculosis. Otherwise Sasuke could get sicker. So I've been using that as an excuse. But she sent a message yesterday that Itachi could receive visitors, so we should probably deal with that sooner rather than later.”

Kakashi sighed, and crawled around the kotatsu to put his head in Genma's lap. Genma started scratching his scalp without even being asked, and Kakashi practically melted into him, despite the horrible topic they were discussing. “Yeah. We should probably deal with that soon.”

“I'm almost looking forward to it if that means I can put off going back to the guard platoon. Kakashi; Kisame has a crush on the Hokage. It's so awful.”

“He what?”

“Since she tossed him out the window, I think. Kiri-nin are fucking weird. They've got that strength kink, you know? Like when you beat one within an inch of their life and instead of being upset they just look at you like you're the second coming of Saizō Kirigakure.”

“...I'll just take your word for it,” Kakashi said. Fuck, he was glad Zabuza hadn't looked at him like that, whatever that was. Maybe because it was more a double knockout than Kakashi actually kicking Zabuza's ass. Still, something to be grateful for, apparently.

“Why isn't he locked in T&I's deepest basement anyway? Even if Itachi's been pardoned, Kisame's a missing-nin with a huge fucking bounty, from a village we've been one step from war with for practically forever.”

“So funny story about that actually,”

“Oh gods,” Kakashi said.

“Yeah. So a message hawk shows up right after Kisame and Itachi do. Because apparently they didn't just take down a massive international criminal organization, they apparently broke a genjutsu that the Mizukage has been in for years. So the Mizukage has declared that rather than being a missing-nin, Kisame is, in fact, the most loyal Kiri nin ever, and decrees that he can do whatever the fuck he wants. And what he wants is to stay with Itachi, apparently, so to allow him to do that, the Mizukage has declared that Kisame is his official ambassador, and that he is willing to open negotiations for trade and a potential alliance, as long as Kisame gets to hang out with Itachi.”

“Fuck, what a mess.”

“Yeah. I am so glad I'm not a politician.”

“You and me both. Being on the guard platoon is bad enough.”

“Maybe you should ask for a genin team; you're obviously qualified for it.”

Genma actually blushed. “I've been thinking about it. I'd never asked before, because Raidō would be down a partner, but with me taking over your team he's been reassigned anyway. Light duty until he's entirely tuberculosis free, but he seems happy enough with his new partner, Hikari. She's civilian-born, can kick his ass in a spar, and his clan elders hate her. They'll be married before the end of the year, I'd bet on it.”

Kakashi snorted, and they fell into silence for a while. Then, “ok, I have to know. What kind of homework did you give them? And don't try to say you didn't, I saw it all over the table.”

“Ah. Well...Sakura learns best from books, you know. And I wanted to take advantage of that; most shinobi training focuses on the physical, when actually intelligence can be just as important.”

Kakashi nodded. Anyone who had spent an afternoon with a member of the Nara clan or the Yamanaka could tell you that. Which reminded him, “I picked her up some scrolls in Hot Water Country. Since they've become focused on tourism instead of ninjutsu, a lot of the old scrolls are being sold off. I think they'll be really helpful. And I got Sasuke a practice sword, since he's comfortable with shuriken and kunai, I wanted to get him something with a bit more reach. Maybe he'll hate it, I don't know. I got Naruto...a bunch of strangely flavored instant ramen packets.” Because what kind of gift did you get a jinurichi, and all he really knew about Naruto's hobbies was that he loved ramen.

“While that might not help him become a better ninja, he'll love them, I'm sure. So. Sakura's been assigned reading – a lot of reading. I've assigned her basic theory in every specialization, since she's said she's not sure what she wants to focus on. And she's been assigned a lot of reading by the medic nin, since she volunteered during the worst of the outbreak. I've also suggested she reads the memoirs of other kunoichi, since a lot of them are available in the library, even if its an often overlooked resource. She and Naruto have both read Mito's diary. I didn't even have to force her to share it; she saw Mito was an Uzumaki, and she showed it to Naruto right away.”

“Speaking of Naruto and reading – apparently he's dyslexic. He's normally not excited about books at all, so when he kept trying to read Mito's diary but never making much progress, I asked Iruka if he had some time to tutor him. It was good for both of them, I think. Naruto having some one-on-one time with a teacher, and Iruka being able to better understand why Naruto did so poorly in his classes. Although of course he was upset that he'd never noticed that Naruto struggled with reading. Then Naruto mentioned that he didn't learn to read or write at all until he started at the Academy, and I had to keep Iruka from killing the staff at the orphanage.”

There was a growl in Genma's voice, and Kakashi wondered if Genma had gone to visit said staff himself. Naruto being neglected by adults wasn't exactly surprising to Kakashi, even if it made guilt swirl in his stomach. Maybe he hadn't been in a good place to take care of Naruto, after everything that had happened. He'd been doing the Hokage's dirty work, jumping right back into ANBU after Minato had pulled him out. But he still should have done something.

Genma scratched a little harder at his scalp, pulling him out of his own thoughts. “It's alright. Or, maybe it's not alright. But Naruto is ours now, our student, and we're going to protect him. You'll teach him how to defend himself, and we'll make sure no one hurts him ever again.”

Kakashi knew it was unlikely that Naruto would never be hurt again. He wanted to be Hokage, for fuck's sake. And yet, Genma's words made him feel better.

Genma continued, as if Kakashi hadn't had a mini meltdown. “For Sasuke, I've been teaching him clan politics. He's very good at self-practice for things like taijutsu, ninjutsu, and shurikenjutsu, but without political knowledge, he's going to be trampled on when he comes of age. It's complicated, because Itachi is technically the heir, so there are a lot of official Uchiha documents he can't access, though Itachi did send a note to tell him where most of them were hidden. Did you know there's a secret room underneath the temple to Amaterasu? There's all sorts of shit down there. I helped him seal everything, since a lot of other people, some of whom live in the village, would kill for Uchiha clan secrets.”

“I'm surprised he trusted you enough for that,” Kakashi said. “Not that you're not trustworthy, but he doesn't trust easily.”

“I don't know how much he trusts me, though I like to think we've established a pretty solid bond over the last few months. But I'm an adult who's trying to help him, not hurt him, take advantage of him, or use him, so that's probably helped a lot. Either way, I've taught him what I can. Not everything I learned is applicable, since I came from a small clan and didn't have a voice on the council, but Sasuke probably will.”

“Politics,” Kakashi said, and pulled himself further into Genma's lap.

“Yeah.”

“I could go the rest of my life without ever being involved in politics. And somehow I end up on a team where one wants to be Hokage, one is going to be a future council member, and one will probably end up idolizing the current Hokage, if she doesn't already.”

“Oh yeah, Sakura is totally a Tsunade-sama fangirl. She keeps a better lid on it than when she was a Sasuke fangirl, but there's still a lot of squealing after she runs into Tsunade-sama in the hospital.”

“Of course there is.”

Genma grinned. “Of course there is.” Then his expression turned more serious.“You know...you missed Sasuke's birthday. And Naruto's is next week. I was thinking of having a party...if that's okay with you?”

Kakashi sighed. He probably deserved that, after how much he'd freaked out about having his team in his home. “I'm not a completely heartless bastard. Of course we're going to have a birthday party for Naruto. He's probably never had one in his life. ...and we'd better at least ask Sasuke if he wants to celebrate his. I'd rather not start them squabbling all over again.”

Genma smiled at him. “You make such a good dad.”

Kakashi narrowed his eyes at him, before surging up and flipping Genma onto his back with a yelp. After that, Kakashi wrings – other noises – out of him. It ends up being a pretty good damn day after all.

Chapter Text

Back when his family was alive, Sasuke had always celebrated his birthday along with the rest of the clan, on New Years Day. They had been a very traditional family, and hadn't adopted the relatively new tradition of celebrating a birthday on the actual day of birth. Since his family had been murdered, Sasuke hadn't celebrated at all.

This of course meant that they had to celebrate. New Years was a long way off, but Sasuke seemed fine with celebrating his birth the weekend before Naruto's own birthday. Kakashi dug into his ANBU pay (because after years and years and years of black-ops pay and very few expenses, he was fucking loaded,) and took the entire team out to be fitted for new kimonos. Because they absolutely could not go to a ryōtei in their every day clothes.

Everyone seemed to have a pretty good time. Sasuke even smiled a bit while he was being fitted for his outfit. Sakura went a little bit wild, and insisted on looking through absolutely everything, because as hard as her parents have worked, they could never have afforded something like this. Naruto seemed overwhelmed, and kept looking at the owners like they were going to kick him out (they weren't, because he and Genma had paid them a visit the night before, and the proprietors were on their absolute best behavior.)

Kakashi was possibly the worst role-model ever, but he stepped up and took Naruto by the shoulder, and showed him around the shop. He explained that honestly unless you really really wanted something specific, you could just stand on the stool, and the shop owners would do all the measurements and pick something that was the right style, color and cut for the occasion. That was what Kakashi had always done, that was what Sasuke was currently doing, and that it was completely fine if Naruto wanted to do that too.

Naruto seemed relieved by this. He let Sasuke and Kakashi go first, and Kakashi treated this appointment just like every single one of his other appointments – with a look of utter boredom and a book in his hand. Rather than annoying Naruto that he was reading porn in public (there was a new Icha Icha book out, and the plot was really good in this one – no really, it was,) Naruto seemed relieved that everything was business as usual.

After everyone had been measured, colors had been picked, and orders placed with strict instructions to come back on Friday for a second fitting before the celebration Sunday, Kakashi took the team out to a light lunch. After that he ran them into the ground, testing everything they'd learned while he was gone.

He was pleased with their progress. Genma had done a good damn job. They finally had enough of a grasp of chakra control that he could test their chakra types, which would help guide their future training. Turned out that Sasuke had lightning and fire affinity, Sakura had water and earth, and Naruto had wind, so between his team they had every basic affinity covered. That – was honestly surprising. Working together, they could become a serious force to recon with. They would have someone who could handle every type of ninjutsu attack thrown at them. (Well, the basic ones, at least. Bloodlines, space-time jutsu, and so on could still present difficulties. Still, they had a lot more to work with than even most ANBU teams Kakashi had seen.)

Sasuke's lightning affinity meant that Kakashi was able to take the practice sword he'd bought to the blacksmith and get a few seals put on it, which would help him learn to channel lightning into the blade, while also ensuring he was grounded and wouldn't electrocute himself while he was still learning the basics. It helped transform Kakashi's half-assed present that he wasn't even sure Sasuke would like into something worthy of a party that was covering eight birthdays at once.

Genma had managed to get Tsunade to assign him as Sasuke's ANBU guard for the foreseeable future. It hadn't taken too much to convince her, since Sasuke was already living with them, Genma was teaching him clan politics that Tsunade was too busy and too tired to want to deal with, and it meant that she could reassign his current guard elsewhere. So Genma would stay with them for the next few months at least, though when they were cleared to take missions outside the village again he'd likely have to be reassigned.

Kakashi let Genma be the one to teach Naruto the manners he would need to go to the ryōtei. In three days. Kakashi spent those three nights sleeping on the couch, but it was so worth it. Naruto wouldn't be completely embarrassed in public, and Kakashi didn't have to try to remember his own manners enough to teach them to someone else. Plus, make up sex was great, so really a winning strategy all around.

The dinner went wonderfully, except that Kakashi had to wear a formal, layered kimono, but since he'd picked the place he couldn't really complain. He'd switched his mask out for a more decorative scarf to at least nod in the direction of formality. The hostess wasn't too impressed, but Kakashi was paying, so he didn't give a fuck.

The food was good, and it was nice to see Sasuke enjoying himself, even though he did look a little sad at times. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to do something formal and remind him of his family. But it was healthy to replace bad experiences with good ones, and celebrate positive memories, or something. (Genma might have left some self-help books on his nightstand that he'd started reading by mistake and then had finished out of spite.)

They gave Sasuke his presents after the last course, where everyone (even the genin,) was given a glass of sake. Kakashi went first, handing Sasuke the sword, and promising to teach him how to channel lightning down it. “Now that you've got your sharingan, you could probably learn my signature technique, too. But let's start with the sword, before we get carried away with assassination techniques.”

“I'd like that,” Sasuke said diplomatically. Kakashi wasn't sure if he liked the present or not, but he seemed eager to learn, at least. That was probably as close to approval as Sasuke ever got.

Genma offered Sasuke a scroll. “I know your family usually summons crows, but I figured that after everything, that might be a little complicated. Anyway, the snake contract allows one signature per generation, and since I have no relatives...well, it'd be nice to be able to keep the contract alive.”

Sasuke's eyes widened. Being offered a summon contract from another family was a Big Deal. Genma could have started a clan war with an offer like that, if either of them had had any clan to speak of. Even without all that drama, sharing clan secrets with non-clan members, it was a basically as close to offering to adopt Sasuke as he could get without officially making him a Shiranui.

“I accept,” Sasuke said. “When can we – how should we -”

“Read over the contract when you can, and we can go over the formal signing process later. It's not too involved though. You've already met the clan matriarch, and she likes you, so I think you're actually past the worst of it.”

Kakashi resigned himself to a house full of snakes. It was worth it, to hear Sasuke's soft, “thank you,” as he tucked the scroll away.

They all sort of sat there for a moment in awe before Sakura pulled herself together. “Geez Genma-sensei, you should have gone last! How am I supposed to compete with that?!”

Genma rubbed the back of his neck in a decidedly Kakashi-like gesture and said, “ah, sorry.”

“Che. Well, whatever. I got you a scroll too, Sasuke-kun. I was doing some research in the library, and obviously all of the Uchiha records are kept on the clan compound, but not everyone in your clan was an Uchiha, right? A lot of them married in. So I did some research, and make a family tree. You might not have any other living Uchiha relatives, but you do have a few in other clans, and a couple civilians too. Not that you're obligated to talk to them or anything, but I thought you might like to know.”

If possible, Sasuke took this scroll with even more reverence than he had the last one. “Thank you, Sakura, that is. Very thoughtful.”

Kakashi thought he might actually be tearing up.

Naruto coughed nervously, when it was his turn. “Ah, my present isn't actually here yet. It's not a thing...so much as a person? Uh. Sorry, I don't know how to explain, really.”

Sasuke seemed mystified, but not actually angry, which was good because Kakashi wasn't looking forward to breaking up a fight at the ryōtei and getting them kicked out for life.

On their way back home - having agreed to let Sakura and Naruto sleep over, since it was very late - a crow's deep croak called through the night. All of them stopped. Crows didn't usually mean good things, where their team was concerned. A figure appeared in front of them, and Kakashi put his hand on his sword, only to stop when Naruto cried out happily,

“You made it!”

There was a deep chuckle. “Well I figured after all this time I'd better not actually miss the big event, right? Even if Jiraya didn't relay your message until it was almost too late. Luckily, my crows were more tuned in to what was going on.”

The mystery man stepped closer. “Relax, Kakashi-sempai. I'm not going to hurt anyone. At least, I hope not.”

The man was an Uchiha, that was immediately obvious. With that skin and that hair and the one black eye, there was nothing else he could be. He was rail thin, but whether that was genetics or a long illness, Kakashi wasn't really sure. He looked...familiar, even if Kakashi had never known any Uchiha with a missing left eye. (Except Obito, but it wasn't Obito, even if his heart jumped for the briefest moment at the thought that it could be.)

“Sasuke...I don't know if you remember me. It's been a while.”

Sasuke stared at him for a long moment, and his face transformed from terror and suspicion to joy. “Shisui-nee-san! I thought – I thought -”

Shisui opened his arms and Sasuke sprinted across the space between them and almost knocked the man over by jumping into them. Sasuke was crying, Shisui was crying, Kakashi had never felt so much like a third wheel in his life.

“He's been spying for Jiraya,” Naruto said softly, like he'd always been privy to the secrets of Konoha's spy network. “I went to go see the old man, after I found out what happened to Sasuke's family. I said some pretty awful things to him. He told me that he was sorry, but that's not really good enough, you know? But then he said that if I wanted to maybe help make things a little better, I could write to Jiraya and tell him it was time for Shisui-kun to come home. So that's what I did. The crows helped a lot. Jiraya is the actual worst. Did you know he was supposed to be my godfather? Ugh. I dodged a kunai there.”

It was all a lot to take in. Luckily, they had sake at home. A lot of sake. Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura got tea, but he, Genma and Shisui made a considerable dent in the sake collection they'd been building up over the years. Shisui apologized for not returning sooner. He'd had a significant head injury, and had honestly thought he was dying. He'd made some less than intelligent decisions, but by the time he'd been fished out of the river and recovered enough to function, all he knew was that the entire clan had died. Konoha had done its best to make sure none of their enemies knew Sasuke was alive, because it was much easier to get ahold of the coveted Uchiha bloodline if it consisted of a single traumatized kid. From where Shisui was in the remote ends of Fire Country, he'd thought everyone was dead.

So he'd agreed to spy for Jiraya, and had become a pretty competent medic-nin while he was at it, helping people who were at as low of a point as he'd been when he jumped in the river.

“I'm still working out all the details, but I'm here to stay. I'll be as involved in your life as you want, but if you don't want to see me, I understand.”

By the way that Sasuke had fallen asleep still clinging to Shisui's shirt, Kakashi didn't think he had to worry about that.

xxx

Luckily for Kakashi's sanity, Naruto's birthday party was significantly less involved. Kakashi set up a ramen tour, where they ate from sun up to sun down, moving from one ramen restaurant to another, ending the day at Ichiraku. Sasuke and Sakura complained after the seventh restaurant or so, but Naruto was actually crying from happiness by the time the sun set, so Kakashi figured he'd done a good job. Of course, his original gift of various ramen flavorings from Hot Water Country felt like a lame present after what he'd given Sasuke, even though Naruto had shouted with joy when he'd opened the package.

But that was okay, because a message hawk from Tsunade ended up saving the day. The hawk appeared during the desert ramen course (Kakashi couldn't even fathom desert ramen, but Naruto was having a good time.) He took the scroll from the hawk, hoping it wasn't a mission calling him away again. He had to read it three times, and then handed it to Genma to make sure it said what he thought it did.

Genma's eyes widened as he read it. “You're sure?” he asked, partially looking to Kakashi for some kind of guidance, and partially asking the message hawk. The hawk preened itself, and took a shit on Kakashi's shoulder before taking off back towards the tower.

That made everyone laugh, and covered Genma's quick use of fire jutsu to burn the scroll to ash.

When they got home and Kakashi'd had a bath and a change of clothes (stupid fucking bird,) he and Genma took Naruto out to the garden alone.

“Um. It's not bad news, is it?” He asked, pacing in front of a stone bench.

“Why would you think that?” Genma asked.

“Well uh, I haven't ever had as good a day as this, you know? And something always goes wrong. And I saw that message you got during dinner. So I thought...I don't know. Is – is everything ok?”

Genma smiled. “Yeah kid. Everything's okay. Kakashi has something to tell you, but it's not bad.”

Naruto turned to him with the widest, most hopeful eyes ever found on a human being. Kakashi shot Genma a look of betrayal. Talk about pressure. But it was okay. He could do this. He was Kakashi fucking Hatake, he could tell Naruto about his parents, even if Kakashi felt that their death was one of his biggest life failures to date. Naruto deserved to hear about them from people who loved them. He could do this. He could.

“I'm going to tell you about one of the most brave and selfless ninja I have ever met. She was a jinchūriki too. Her name was Uzumaki Kushina, and she was your mother.”

Naruto's eyes widened. “You knew...my parents?”

“We did. You'd better sit down, it's a long story.”

Naruto had probably never sat down so fast in his life. “Please, please, Kakashi-sensei. Tell me about them.”

And so he did.