Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Good morning, Seán” the woman said in a gentle voice, “come in”.

“Good morning” he responded with a weak smile, walking inside the small room with two armchairs, a bookshelf and a house plant on the corner. It was a comfortable environment and that made him feel better.

He sit in one of the chairs, his therapist on the other. They starred in each other’s eyes for a while, before Seán break the look.

“So, this is you first time in therapy, right?”

“Right” he replied nervously.

“It’s good that you decided to start”. He smiled and she continued, “remember I’m here to help you and not to judge you, so don’t feel bad in telling me anything you wish to. The only way any of the things that we talk will leave this room is if you’re putting yourself or others in danger.”

“That’s fair” he agreed, “I will try my best to let everything out”.

“That’s good to hear”. She waited for an eye contact, “let’s start introducing ourselves, shall we? I’m Doctor Amelia Bergatte, 33 years old. I’m a lesbian, I’ve been married for 4 years with an amazing woman, who is also a doctor – in Literature - and we’re both proud mothers of 2 male cats.”

Seán smiled. He barely knew the woman, but he felt like she deserved to be happy like she seemed. He was truly happy to be there now.

“Your turn” Amelia said, crossing her legs and putting a little notebook in her knee. Pen ready.

“Well, my name is Seán McLoughlin, but everyone calls me Jack”. He noticed a weird look on her face and giggled. “It’s because I’m a YouTuber, that’s my ‘internet’ name, if that makes any sense. Okay, uhm… I’m Irish, but I live in Brighton UK since last year, I’m 29, I have a girlfriend… I’m not 100% sure I’m straight though, that’s kind of one the reasons I’m here, actually” he giggled nervously and looked at her.

She took note of something and looked back at him. “I don’t know what else to say” he confessed.

“It’s okay” the doctor said softly, “that’s a lot to work on already. We’ll take things slow, okay?”

He nodded.

“You said ‘that’s one of the reasons I’m here’. What are the reasons you are here now, Seán? Or do you prefer Jack?”

“Seán is okay” he replied. “Well, I guess I just noticed something changing inside myself since… since a while ago. Things that didn’t bother me before now do, work is becoming more of an obligation and less of something I love doing – even though I still love my job, it just… misses that spot on my mind that makes me happy, you know? I guess it’s just lots of little things that are piling up on my mind and it’s making me dizzy”.

She took some more notes. “And what do you feel it’s bothering you the most in all of this?”

Seán took a deep breath. “I think it’s my feelings… towards a friend”.

“Is this the same thing that’s making you question your sexuality?”

“Yes… and no. Like, I’ve been questioning my sexuality for years now, to be honest. I always thought I might be bi, but I just never fell in love with a guy before and I, before my current girlfriend, was in a relationship with another girl for 3 years, so… I never had any deep thoughts about it”.

“Until now” she completed.

“Until now”.

“And what happened now?”

He sighed. “Well, that’s the thing. Nothing was supposed to change inside me now but, for some reason, everything changed… and I don’t know how to deal with it”.

Amelia kept looking at him, like she needed more information. Seán took the pillow that was at his side and hugged it.

“So, I have a best friend. His name is…” he hesitated for a while, he knew she would know who he was talking about, but that was the reason he was here and he was not gonna waste it, “Felix. He’s also an YouTuber, you probably know by now who he is”.

“That doesn’t matter” she said calmly.

‘It really doesn’t’, he finally convinced himself.

“You’re right… so, uhm, he’s my best friend for years now. I used to be just like a fanboy back in the day, but since the first time we met we immediately got along and we’ve been inseparable since then. Felix is like, the only thing that’s been constant in my life for all those years. We’ve had bad times, of course, but it never ruined what we have. If anything, it only gets stronger with time.”

He took a deep breath again, the smile leaving his face. “As you might have heard, he got married recently. He was dating Marzia for… 8 years I think? It was a hell of a time, that’s what I know, but still… it kind of caught me off guard. He never told me he was going to propose in the first place, he just did it. I never understood why he never told me and it felt horrible. I was like ‘congrats, you motherfucker’” he giggled, but there was no joy in it. “But what I wanted to say was ‘why the fuck didn’t you tell me? I was supposed to be your best friend, godammit”. He sighed, looking at his feet, “since then things already changed, but it was mostly because I felt betrayed in some way. This REALLY changed though when I received the ‘save the date’ invitation. I felt a knot in my stomach instantly and… God, I wanted to be happy for him so badly. ‘Your best friend is getting married Seán, what is wrong with you?’ I kept thinking, but all I could feel was this… thing. This bad feeling, this feeling of... emptiness inside me. He coincidentally messaged me at this exact moment, asking if I wanted to go on a double date with my girlfriend and his… fiancé. I said no, invented some apology I don’t even remember. I just couldn’t understand why I felt that way! I still can’t…”

He stopped for a while, Amelia was looking at him attentively, carrying.

He continued.

“I kept talking to him like nothing was going on. He was still acting normal, we were still playing together and he never mentioned the wedding and neither did I. The only time he did say something was 3 days before the big day. We were texting, it was like 2AM already, and he said he was nervous about the wedding. I said ‘you don’t have to be nervous if you’re sure you’re doing the right thing’. I kept the chat open and he was online, but took like 4 minutes to reply. He just said ‘you’re right’ and then continued on the subject we were before. Then the wedding day came. I went with my girlfriend and we were having a lot of fun talking with friends, but when the ceremony started and I saw Felix there, all suited up and nervous and then smiling when she showed up with an absolute gorgeous dress and looking just… perfect. That made me feel like… like somehow I never had a chance of being in her place. And it was the weirdest thought, cause I never really thought of being with him… I mean, marrying him. I had thought in the past about like, dating him, but never thought about marrying anyone. When I saw her and the way he smiled it was just like a stab in my stomach, like a reminder: ‘look at her, that’s why it’s her there and not you’. That thought made me so fucking uncomfortable I had to literally shake my head and think ‘he is happy. Your friend is happy. That’s what matters’ and that was the only thing that kept me going through it all”.

“God, I feel like that’s all so wrong now that I’m saying it out loud” Seán said with a giggle, after a short pause.

Amelia smiled, “there’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel, Seán. Don’t blame yourself for it”.

He nodded, hugging the pillow with a little more strength. “What about after the wedding. Did something change between you and Felix?” she asked.

“Apparently nothing changed for him. He even texted me on his honeymoon, still not talking about Marzia or about the fact that he was on his honeymoon. It almost felt like he was taking a vacation to me. He sent pictures of himself and his feet on the beach and told me I would absolutely love the place. Things are still like this now he’s back. He talks about the wedding a lot on social media, but never to me. Even when I tease him by saying ‘you can’t say that, you’re married now’ he just ignores it. I don’t have the balls to ask him why he never mentions it, because I honestly don’t want to know. I like it this way, I like to pretend nothing happened, but something inside me won’t let me forget. Something inside my brain keeps playing clips of the wedding in my head and it hurts… it hurts every time”. He sighed, starring at the psychology books at his side, “I figured that there’s no other explanation. I’ve always find Felix attractive, I’ve pictured myself dating him countless times, we flirt a lot even nowadays, but I NEVER took any of this seriously. I thought it was my body reacting like this because he is an attractive dude and I was probably bi, but I never felt… jealous like this”.

Amelia waited some seconds before asking, “so that’s what you’re feeling? Jealousy? Like, you wanted to be on his wife’s place?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know if it’s that, but I honestly can’t put my mind on what else it could be. Like, everything only changed inside me because of the wedding. I always knew he had a girlfriend, I used to hang out with them and everything, and I was never jealous of her. It’s not like he replaced me, cause we still talk, we’re still friends, but… now he has a wife…”

“Have you considered” she asked in a low voice, “that maybe you’re feeling like you lost him? Even if he’s still your friend, you lost him as the guy that might leave his girlfriend to be with you. That maybe you now realize he can not as easily leave his wife like he could when she was just his girlfriend. That maybe you didn’t lose him, but you lost the hope of him being something more?”

He smiled down, eyes starting to get wet. “No” he replied, “I guess I’ve never wanted to consider that”.

Chapter Text

“What about your girlfriend?” Amelia asked after a long pause. “How are things between you two?”

“Oh, it’s going great” he said confidently. “She is great. We have a lot of fun, she always makes me feel better whenever I feel down. Nothing to complain about her”.

She nodded. “What’s her name?”

“Evelien”.

“How long have you and Evelien been dating?”

Seán shrugged, “we know each other for a long time, but dating? Not long, couple o’ months”.

The doctor took some notes and turned her head up to look at him. “I’m gonna need you to be honest with me now, okay Seán?”

He nodded nervously.

“I assume that you two started dating after the whole ‘Felix not telling you about the proposal’ thing, right?” she asked. He didn’t move or say anything, so she continued. “Don’t you think that maybe you were feeling lonely and ‘betrayed’, as you said so yourself, and that made you seek for love on someone that was already there for you?”

Seán blinked, starring at the ground. He wanted to say ‘no’, but instead he said “no?”

“Do you understand what I tried to ask you? That’s all it is, by the way: a question. I just want to understand your feelings, Seán”. She had a calm voice that made him look in her direction. “Don’t you think this relationship you are having with this amazing girl consists on you telling yourself that he isn’t the only one with someone by his side to make him happy?”

He hesitated. Again, he wanted to say ‘no’, but he couldn’t say for sure. “I don’t think so?” he really wish he sounded more confident. “I really like her, but… like I told you, I have this thing for Felix that’s just killing me. It makes me feel so guilty sometimes! Like, at the wedding… I noticed the way other couples were staring at each other and smiling and kissing and we… like, my mind was somewhere else entirely. She didn’t seem bothered by my attitude, but every time I think about it now I just feel like an asshole”.

Amelia took some more notes. Seán was getting really curious to know what those said.

“Again, this is only our first session. We’ll take things slow and one at a time” she reminded. “And you don’t have to feel bad for the way you feel. Of course, if that affects others then there’s something we need to work on, but first you need to understand what’s happening in that mess of your head and then we can try to understand what’s going on with everyone else, alright?”

He let out a weak laugh, “yea, that would be great”.

She smiled at him. “What else? Tell me about your work a little”

Turns out, he talked more than a little. Talking about how it all started, how Felix had helped him, then about when he moved from his parent’s house and when he moved countries. Started to explain the games he played, how much some of them meant to him and how, nowadays, besides he still absolutely loving what he did, he felt like it wasn’t as rewarding as it used to be.

“I’m not talking about money, of course, that’s not the kind of reward I seek. I’m talking about feeling part of something. I have other YouTuber friends that are feeling a similar thing, like… things used to be simpler, people used to be united and now it’s like a constant war! I don’t wanna sound ungrateful, that’s why I never complain about it to anyone, but I think I just miss belonging to something greater than me. That’s why I do my monthly charity livestreams, it makes me feel useful and…”

“Loved?” she completed.

He nodded, “now that I say all of this out loud it’s all clearer to me”.

Amelia waited for a conclusion, which Seán said after he sighed. “I think I’m just lonely, aren’t I?”

The doctor smiled tenderly, putting her notebook aside. “Everyone feels like this sometimes, Seán. Doesn’t matter how many people are around you and care about you, sometimes our brains are just too stubborn and ignore all of them”.

“Tell me about it” he giggled.

“I know you don’t take anything for granted. You are a great friend, a great boyfriend and a great YouTuber. So great in fact that that’s everything you are. You touch everyone’s lives in so many wonderful ways, but when it comes to yourself… you’re not that great, aren’t you?”

“I’m working on it” he promptly responded. “I’m trying to give myself some more love, but it’s just so hard!”

“Yes, it is!” she agreed. “It is hard and that’s why I’m helping you. You know, thinking everything is alright when you know it's not, that's a reason to be ashamed of yourself, but coming to therapy and trying to fix it is something to be proud of”.

“How many times have you ever said this exact sentence to your patients?” he sassily asked.

“A few” she laughed, “but it’s always worth mentioning”.

“Yes, that’s nice to hear” he smiled back.

“Seán, can I ask you to do something? It’s gonna be your homework until we see each other again next week”. He nodded. “Can you talk to Felix about what’s bothering you?”

He trembled. “Talk to him about…”

“About he not mentioning the proposal to you and avoiding talking about the wedding. I know you told me you didn’t want this to change, I imagine it must be hard for you to hear all of this from his own mouth, but you really need some answers. You two are best friends, but there's something between you that’s making him act like that and you’ll only be able to let it go once you understand what it is”.

He agreed, not really knowing what to say. “You’re right… I’ll talk to him”.

Amelia smiles, checking the hour with the corner of her eye. “Is there something else you need to tell me today?”

He thought for a second, then cleared his throat. “I know it’s probably too soon for you to give me an answer, but I really need at least an opinion from someone… Do you think I should give up on him?”

She raised an eyebrow, Seán didn’t say anything else, ignoring completely the many words stuck in his throat.

“You two know each other for years, you’ve been through a lot and lived lots of remarkable moments I have no idea about. Even if I knew everything you went through, I couldn’t say for certain how he feels about you. He feels something and that something is true and deep, but we still don't know what it is exactly”.

He nodded to the ground and she tracked his eye to meet hers, “until we figure out what it is, there’s no reason to give up. Let’s not risk putting something beautiful on the trash only because it scares you both”.

Seán smiled, somehow feeling like his life took the first step on the right track.

Their time was up already, so they talked about their next session next week and Amelia opened the door first, so he would give her a hug on his way out.

“Thank you” he wholeheartedly said.

“There’s no need to thank me, sweetie. Whatever happens, I got your back” she reassured.

Seán paid her secretary and was almost out when he heard Amelia call his name.

He turned around to see her yelling from the small room’s door, “have you ever considered adopting a dog?”