Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Look, it’s Han.” Seungmin whispered, elbowing Jeongin in the side. The younger looked over his shoulder just to feel a shiver go down his spine.

“I’ve never seen him make that face before.” He hunched his shoulders as the boy in question stalked past them.

“Someone must have pissed him off real bad.” Seungmin watched the normally smiling student council president stalk through the hallways with a black cloud over his orange head. Students instantly shrunk away from him as he walked quickly towards his locker.

“I’d hate to be that person.” Jeongin gripped his books a little tighter. It was already his sophomore year of high school and even though he had a pretty solid footing with everything, times like this made him feel out of place just like the first day all over again.

“Come on, we’re going to be late and your homeroom teacher already hates you.” Seungmin took Jeongin’s sleeve and pulled him towards the sophomore hallway, away from whatever storm Han Jisung was brewing in him.

“You look like you’re going to bite someone’s head off,” Hyunjin remarked as he leaned against the locker next to Jisung’s. He and Jisung were the only members of the junior class student council that actually did any work, and Hyunjin was really testing his limits of productivity with how often he uses the excuse of being student council vice president to get out of detention and skip class. “Who twisted your balls this fine morning?”

“Who else?” Jisung slammed the door of his locker shut, the sound echoing through the emptying hallway and making the remaining students jump.

“What did he do this time?” Hyunjin handed his friend a breakfast bar, knowing all too well at this point that the student council president absolutely didn’t eat before coming to school. Jisung took it without complaint and tore the corner open, holding it in his hand without taking a bite yet.

“He’s just so- so fucking cocky! He thinks he can get away with anything,” Jisung raged as he kicked open the student council room door, which doubled as his and Hyunjin’s homeroom every morning. “I caught him smoking! Right outside the school gates! And what does he say to me?”

“That you have a stick up your ass?” Hyunjin guessed, tossing a grape in the air and catching it in his mouth.

“He said he wasn’t technically on campus so he could do what he wanted.” Jisung scowled, having completely ignored Hyunjin’s smartass comment once again.

“I mean-”

“Don’t try to defend him,” Jisung snapped, causing Hyunjin to roll his eyes. Of course that was the one thing Jisung decided to hear him say. “He’s seventeen Jin! We’re all seventeen! He shouldn’t be smoking or having his brother pierce his ear in that shady tattoo store!”

“First of all, it’s called a parlor. Secondly, what does it matter to you what he does?” Hyunjin huffed and sat on top of the desk, despite his teacher’s many warnings. “He’s him and you’re you. Focus on yourself and stop getting angry over someone who doesn’t mean anything to you.”

“I just-” Jisung didn’t know why he was so furious. Maybe because seeing the blonde with a fiery stick between small, black painted fingers triggered something he had spent years pushing down.

“What Lee Felix chooses to do has nothing to do with you Sung,” Hyunjin threw a grape, bouncing it off Jisung’s head. “Just focus on yourself and what you need to do, like that write up for the meeting today.”

“You were supposed to do that.”

“Yeah. but if you do it, it’ll get your mind off Felix.” Hyunjin sent Jisung a blinding smile, and Jisung told himself - not for the first time - Hyunjin was lucky they had been best friends since freshman year or else his pretty smile would be kissing the carpet.

“You owe me coffee after the meeting.” Jisung huffed after a moment of extended eye contact.

“Of course.”

“And cake.” Jisung crossed his arms. Hyunjin narrowed his eyes for a moment, reinitiating the staring contest. The second part of the contest ended with Hyunjin rolling his eyes again.

“Anything for his highness.” he said with a huff and a smile. Jisung grinned and cheered, only to be shushed by their teacher.

“Lix, you’re gonna be late.” Changbin said, flicking his cigarette onto the grass and stomping out the little flame with his boot heel. He glanced over to his friend, who had been pouting ever since Han Jisung had approached them and started scolding them - scolding Felix in particular - about smoking.

“Who cares?” Felix yawned and stretched, his shirt riding up some.

“Is that one new?” Changbin’s eyes were drawn to the black ink staining Felix’s otherwise tanned stomach.

“Yeah, Channie hyung did it for me this weekend.” Felix smiled slightly, his hand resting over the new tattoo.

“You’re going to have more than me soon.” Changbin grinned, ruffling Felix’s hair as they casually made their way into the school. The hallways were mostly cleared already, other than a few stragglers.

“Just ask hyung to do more for you,” Felix chuckled. His top teeth played with the ball going through his tongue, the flesh no longer tender. He had gotten it pierced sophomore year of school, and Chan had done a good job making sure Felix took care of it. “You know he’s always looking for a new tester, and the more he practices the sooner he’ll be a solid artist at the shop, and you know how badly he wants that.”

“That’s true, but I’ve been so busy lately.” Changbin threw a piece of mint gum into his mouth before offering some to Felix, who took it with a near silent thanks.

“You think they’re going to accept you?” Felix knew how much Changbin wanted to be accepted into the music program at the college on the other side of their city, but deep down - despite how talented Changbin was and despite how much he could do there - the chances of being accepted were low. Especially with his abysmal grades and his record that filled an entire file in the principal's office.

“Probably not, but I’m not going to stop preparing for the interview,” Changbin’s shoulders slumped a little. “I… I just hate that I’ve already ruined this for myself. I knew they wouldn’t want someone like me but I still made all these bad decisions and-”

“Shut up hyung,” Felix had enough. “If they don’t accept you because of something stupid like your grades, they’re going to miss out on one of the most genious composers of this generation. Besides, what good rapper had a perfectly clean record? And what was the worst you’ve done? Being late for class? Cheating on some stupid exam? You’re already too good for them. Don’t let a couple of close minded assholes make you feel like you’re in the wrong.”

“Lix…” Changbin looked down, his bangs covering his eyes. Felix knew when the elder did that, he was fighting back tears.

“Come on, I don’t want to go to class today,” Felix took Changbin’s chilly fingers in his own small ones. “Let’s hide behind the stage. We can work on homework or you can critique my dance. I’ve been wanting to film this one but something’s missing.”

“You always know how to cheer me up,” Changbin laughed, rubbing his eyes with his free hand. The bar going through his eyebrow glinted in the ugly hallway lighting as they snuck towards the auditorium, both boys biting back giggles as they went.

Minho shook his head as he walked into the auditorium. Normally, during the day, it was empty except when the theater class decided they wanted to fuck around on the stage, which rarely happened. He, being a senior, tended to sneak away from the loud cafeteria during their lunch block and hide away in the comfortable safety of the thick black curtains and varnished wooden stage floor, but it seemed someone beat him to it.

Two someones, by the look of it. They were on stage, the music coming from one of their phones. The blonde was dancing , his shoes squeaking on the stage as his friend sat on the apron and watched, hollering and cheering when the first boy hit a move particularly well.

Minho decided to wait until the song finished to announce his presence, his clapping echoing through the almost empty auditorium as soon as the dark haired boy turned the music off.

“Not bad, but you’re too wild when you jump,” He said, making both boys flinch and spin around. “That’s why you kept almost falling. You have to use your core to stay balanced.”

“We were just leaving-” The blonde said quickly, his accented korean bouncing loudly off the walls.

“Don’t leave on my behalf,” Minho said, plopping down in one of the seats and pulling out his lunch. “I normally come here to eat alone, but some company couldn’t hurt.”

“You’re not gonna tell anyone?” The dark haired one asked, and Minho recognized him as Seo Changbin - their grade’s resident delinquent with a habit of getting into fights.

“Nah, cuz then I’d have to admit to sneaking in here during lunch and I don’t want to lose the one place I can hide from everyone.” Minho started eating his lunch as if nothing was wrong, much to the surprise of the other two.

“Um… I’m Felix,” The blonde said, looking down at his boots. There was still sweat making his bleached bangs stick to his tanned forehead, and the flush on his cheeks made his freckles stand out. Minho thought he was adorable, despite the fact that he was wearing all black and had several tattoos peeking out from under his sleeves. “Um-”

“Wait, are you related to Bang Chan?” Minho asked, showing some real interest for the first time since sitting down.

“He’s my brother,” Felix smiled, and Minho could absolutely see Chan in the boy’s cheeks. “I know we don’t look all that much alike.”

“I haven’t seen him since he and Wooj hyung broke it off.” Minho said casually as he shoved some rice into his mouth.

“That was a while ago.” Felix commented, his smile falling a little.

“Hyung used to be crew captain for the musicals and dramas,” Minho said, seeing how confused Changbin looked. “He would always talk about his boyfriend and we finally convinced him to bring him one day.”

“I remember that,” Felix smiled sadly as he sat on the edge of the stage. “He was so excited to meet all of hyung’s theater friends.”

“Whatever happened to them? They seemed… perfect for each other.”

“Ah, that’s kinda a long story…” Felix trailed off, an unnamed emotion pooling in his stomach.

“We still have twenty minutes left in the block.” Minho commented easily.

“Um, well… our parents weren’t too thrilled when they found out,” Felix said, his eyes stinging. It happened almost two years ago but he could remember it as clearly as if it only happened that past weekend. Changbin looked down, frowning. He knew what happened - Felix told him everything. “Especially since dad found them… in the middle of things.”

“Oh fuck-” Minho’s eyes were wide.

“Then hyung got sent to therapy, came back a different person,” Felix shrugged a little. It was fine now. “He was real fucked up for a while but me and Binnie hyung helped him get back to normal. Our parents think he’s off at school or something but he’s been crashing at hyung’s place. He, uh, is interning at a tattoo parlor and working on music in his spare time, so he’s doing good!”

“Jesus, I had no idea…” Minho suddenly felt guilty. This whole time, he had been blaming Chan in his head for how the relationship ended. He was close with Woojin - they had done theater together for years, and before he graduated Woojin would come with Minho to the auditorium during lunch to help the younger with his audition material or to listen to him rant or to just hang out. He never knew any of what really happened, it seems.

“Hyung is alright now though,” Felix grinned, his bright smile contrasting his aesthetic oddly. “Good thing he has a habit of being a little shit! He lied to the therapists to get out sooner. He never believed a word of what those brainwashing idiots tried to shove down his throat.”

“Still, I can’t even imagine…” Minho remembered Chan. He was so happy and cute despite how nervous he obviously was. He thought they looked good together - Woojin, with his sweaters and glasses, and Chan with his leather jacket and black docs. When he heard the couple had split, he was furious. Woojin became withdrawn after that, barely talking to anyone.

“Ah there’s the bell.” Changbin said, frowning as the shrill sound rang through the room.

“We still on for tonight?” Felix asked his friend. Minho could see the younger boy’s jaw moving, and realized he was probably playing with the tongue piercing he saw flashing in his mouth as he was talking.

“Of course,” Changbin scoffed, grabbing his jacket. “You actually going to class?”

“I don’t see why not,” Felix shrugged, slinging his worn backpack onto one shoulder. It was light, seeing how there was only a single notebooks, a pen at the bottom and a pack of cigarettes in it. He didn’t even have his lighter with him - he was using Bin’s. “Besides, if I miss the one class I have with Jisung he’ll send out a fucking witch hunt for me.”

“What’s his deal anyway?” Changbin asked.

Felix looked at his shoes for a second, as if trying to erase the scuffs with his mind. They weren’t even his scuffs - the shoes used to be Chan’s before he grew out of them and were given to Felix at the start of his sophomore year. “Dunno, but it’s getting on my nerves.” he said finally, not looking his friend in the eye.

“See you after school-” Changbin started to say, but Felix had already slipped out of the auditorium, leaving him and Minho alone.

“You know, you guys are a lot less scary than everyone thinks.” Minho commented easily as he shoved his lunchbox into his backpack. Changbin blinked, shocked, before throwing his head back and laughing loudly.

“People think we’re scary because we don’t take shit from anyone,” Changbin said through his laughter. “It’s not our fault everyone’s an ass.”

“Fair,” Minho shot Changbin a glance from the side of his eye. “Come back tomorrow for lunch. It was nice to have some company.”

“Will do,” Changbin adjusted his bangs as they walked out of the auditorium. “Not like we have anything better to do.”

“Don’t you have other friends?”

“Nah, it’s just me and Lixie,” Changbin’s voice dropped. “Chan hyung took me under his wing when I was a freshman. He was only a year ahead of me but he seemed so… put together, you know? Like he knew what he was doing, unlike the rest of us. Lix’s freshman year is when everything went to shit, so I took care of him when hyung was gone. Us outcasts have to stick together.” He chuckled, trying to turn his somewhat depressing statement into a joke, but by the frown on Minho’s face, it hadn’t worked.

“Slow down! Where are you going?” Hyunjin chased after Jisung, who was stalking through the halls like a bat out of hell.

“I have to see something.” the shorter boy growled, causing a freshman to jump out of the way.

“See what? We have that meeting like, now, and it’s kind of bad to not have the president or vice president there.”

“Then go back,” Jisung was walking faster. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Jisung stop,” Hyunjin grabbed his friend’s sleeve and pulled him aside. “What’s going on with you? You’ve been acting like this all day.”

“I just want-” he cut himself off with a scowl. “I just- UGH! It’s complicated Jin… if it wasn’t so- so fucking complicated I would have told you by now.”

“What makes it so complicated?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“Made a promise.”

“To who?”

“Can’t tell you.”

“Come on Sung!” Hyunjin was getting frustrated. Jisung told him everything - or so he thought.

“Seriously Jinnie, I can’t tell you,” Jisung glared at the floor, looking like he was going to cry. “I can’t tell anyone. I made a promise, and it’s pissing me off because he’s not keeping his end of the deal.”

“Who is it?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“UGH I’m going back to the meeting,” Hyunjin threw his hands in the air in frustration. “I’ll let them know you’re on your way, but if it’s more than ten minutes we’re starting without you.”

“Thanks Jinnie, I can always count on you.” Jisung hugged his friend tightly before racing through the halls.

“NO RUNNING- oh who cares.” Hyunjin tried to call after his friend, giving up instantly when he realized it wouldn’t do any good.

Jisung turned the corner, not knowing what to expect. Why was he even looking for him? He hopped down the front steps and saw the exact person that had been on his mind all day, not letting him focus in any class.

Lee Felix, accompanied by Seo Changbin and… Bang Chan? Jisung hadn’t seen Chan since he graduated the year before. Felix let out a sound that could barely be called human and launched himself into Chan’s arms, wrapping himself around the older boy. Chan laughed and caught his brother, holding him up so Felix could wrap his legs around the elder’s waist. Changbin just watched with a fond smile.

If Jisung didn’t know any better, he would say Felix was crying, but he had seen Felix crying - more times than he could count - and the blonde was laughing, not crying.

“I wish you could come home.” Felix whispered to Chan. Jisung knew he was too close if he could hear what the blonde was saying, but he found his feet glued to the sidewalk.

“I wish I could too Lix, but it’s too dangerous.” Chan’s voice was raspier than Jisung remembered it being.

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

“I hate them…”

“They’re our parents Lix, you can’t hate them-”

“But you do.” Felix rested his head on Chan’s shoulder, still being held by the older boy. There were some perks to being small, Felix decided. He felt safe with his brother.

“Well, that’s different…”

“Come on guys, we have to get ready for tonight and I’m already tired of being sober.” Changbin chimed in, placing his hands carefully on Felix’s sides to help the younger boy down from Chan’s hold.

“Bin, what have I said about that?” Chan asked, sounding less like a nineteen year old and more like a tired dad.

“That alcohol isn’t a healthy coping mechanism and that I need to be aware of the addiction I have on both sides of my family,” Changbin rolled his eyes. “The thing is, I don’t do it as much anymore… and Papa wants to get DRUNKY!”

“Ew don’t call yourself papa.” Felix giggled, his face lighting up as he wrinkled his nose at Changbin.

“You like it~” Changbin teased back.

“Ya, it’s a daddy kink, not a papa kink! Get it right!” Felix shot back, causing all three of them to burst into laughter. Even Jisung found his mouth turning up.

“Come on, we’re going to miss sound check if we don’t go soon.” Chan said, eyes shining with amusement.

“Why does it have to be so far away?” Felix asked as they walked towards the beat up car parked by the sidewalk. “The city is like an hour away…”

“Because it’s the only place that would hire us.” Changbin cackled.

“One day, we’ll be performing in a big stadium,” Chan said, unlocking the doors. “And you’ll be in the wings, watching us change lives.”

“You’re already changing lives hyung.” Felix said quietly as he opened the door. He climbed in, but Jisung saw Chan freeze, looking dangerously close to tears. The eldest shook his head and got in, starting the car and driving away with Bin and Lix.

Jisung thought about what he heard as he raced back to the meeting. Felix seemed to be doing better, but he was still worried. That night was still so fresh in Jisung’s mind, but he didn’t know how Felix felt about it. Obviously, the blonde was going to feel differently, but they hadn’t really spoken since the incident, two years ago.

“Just in time.” Hyunjin whispered as Jisung slipped into his chair.

“Did I miss anything?”

“Nah, we’re just starting now,” Hyunjin side eyed his best friend. He hadn’t seen Jisung look so serious in a long time. “Everything alright man?”

“Yeah… maybe,” he pretended to read the schedule for the meeting, but Hyunjin could tell he wasn’t absorbing a single word of it. “Hey, you know of any places that do open mic nights or anything in the city?”

“Huh?”

“Nevermind.”

“Lemme ask hyung, he might know.” Hyunjin sent out a quick text, just as the meeting was called to attention. Whatever Jisung wanted to focus on was pushed to the back, at least for the next hour and a half.

Chapter Text

Felix felt like he was flying. Sure, the club was almost two hours away - in a pretty shady part of town too - but it was so worth it. He had never been there before, but the second he walked in and saw a rainbow flag behind the bar, he knew it was going to be a good night. Chan was giving him drinks here and there, and Felix could tell by the taste that they were mostly mixers with just a splash of alcohol, but it was enough to make the room spin nicely as he jumped along with his brother and Changbin as they rapped on stage.

He was thankful that he thought ahead and brought a chance of clothes. It was tough, changing in the back of the car that was half stuffed with supplies for the show, but he managed to untangle himself from his school clothes and slip into black jeans and black tank that showed off almost all of his tattoos - even the one on his stomach when he lifted his arms high enough. The club was sweltering, but the atmosphere was electric.

Felix made eye contact with someone seated at the bar. He had small eyes but a wide smile and soft brown hair. He winked at Felix, and his freckled cheeks lit up. He glanced back at the stage, but he could tell neither rapper would notice if he slipped away. He made his way over to the bar and sat on the stool next to the boy, which had just been conveniently vacated by another boy. Felix caught the second boy wink at his friend just as he walked away.

“Felix.” He said, holding out his hand. The boy looked at him, shocked for a moment before smiling wide and returning the gesture.

“Mingi,” he said, his voice deeper and raspier than Felix had expected. “I’m guessing this is your first time here?”

“Is it that obvious?” Felix flushed a little.

“Up until you went for a handshake, no,” Mingi laughed, his hair bouncing with the motion. “Normally it’s just a head nod or something.”

“O-oh…” Felix blushed harder and looked at his hands.

“It’s not a bad thing,” Mingi said, loud enough to get Felix to look up. “It was cute, I promise.”

“Thank you?”

“You wanna go dance?” Mingi asked, standing and holding out a hand. Felix glanced back to Chan and Changbin, who were interacting with whoever was standing in the front row. The music vibrated through the beams of the club, the heavy backing track pulsing through the blood of everyone listening.

“Absolutely.” Felix grinned and took Mingi’s hand, letting the taller boy lead him back towards the dance floor.

There was something addicting in the music. Once the beat starts, it’s like it gets into your veins and fills you up, making you feel on top of the world. Felix would have adored Chan and Changbin’s music, even if he wasn’t related to half the group. It was just that good.

Mingi rested his hands on Felix’s hips, gently letting his thumbs brush Felix’s bare midriff anytime his tank top road up. Felix liked the feeling of Mingi’s hands on his skin - the taller boy’s hands were hot against his already flushed skin and he made Felix feel small in a good way. He leaned back, letting his shoulders rest against Mingi’s chest as the song changed.

Felix closed his eyes and smirked as he felt lips on his neck. Changbin was rapper harder than ever. This song was one of the ones he felt strongest about, after all. His passion came through in everything he did, music being the most passionate of them all. The ground vibrated as the edm backing track kicked in. Mingi’s hand trailed to Felix’s stomach and he couldn’t help but shudder a little. Mingi’s hand - fingers splayed - was large enough to reach from one side of Felix’s waist to the other.

Part of him knew he shouldn’t be doing this. Felix knew what would happen if his parents somehow managed find out what he was doing. They would send him to conversion therapy like they did with Chan, and he wasn’t nearly as strong as Chan. It would break him.

But he couldn’t bring himself to care because Mingi tasted like cranberry and vodka and freedom. His hands were so large on his hips and the music was so loud against his skin and Felix never wanted the night to end because he knew the moment the music stopped, he would have to go back to his life.

“Felix!” Someone called, but when Felix looked around he didn’t see anyone. Chan and Changbin were still on stage, and there weren’t any familiar faces in the crowd. He looked some more, curious because the voice was… almost familiar. It wasn’t until Mingi pulled Felix’s chest flush to his and captured the smaller boy’s lips in a heated kiss that Felix forgot about the voice. He let himself get lost in the music once again.

“Can I have your number?” Mingi asked as Changbin and Chan were helping clean up the venue. The workers told them again and again that they didn’t have to help but they were insistent. Chan was constantly reminding Felix to go the extra mile to help others - plus they wanted to be invited back sometime.

“Yeah! Uh, here!” Felix hand his phone out, his hands shaking a little. It was one thing to make out with someone on a dance floor when there was alcohol coursing through your veins and there was deafening music pulsing through you. It was another thing for the same cute boy still wanting to talk to you after the alcohol started to wear off and the lights were up.

“Thanks,” Mingi smiled wider. It was softer and goofier than the smirks he was giving Felix earlier that night. “I’ll, uh… see you around?”

“I’ll let you know if they invite us back,” Felix blushed and smiled. “And, uh, if you’re ever in the area I can show you around?”

“Sounds good,” Mingi rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. “And, like, if you’re ever in the city again hit me up. I know some clubs if you’re into that and some cat cafes if you’re into that too.”

“Cat cafe?” Felix could feel his eyes sparkling, and if the way Mingi’s blush grew said anything, it was something the taller boy thought cute.

“Come on Lixie, time to get home,” Chan came over, eyeing Mingi suspiciously. “Say bye to your friend. You have class in the morning.”

“Can I skip?” Felix whined, spinning on his heel to look at his brother.

“Nope, you promised that if I let you come with us, you wouldn’t complain about school.”

“If I have to go, you have to go,” Changbin slung his arm over Felix’s shoulders and glared up at Mingi. “Hope this string bean didn’t do anything to you when we were on stage.”

“Hyung!” Felix barked, his blush spreading down his neck.

“I swear I didn’t do anything bad-” Mingi paled, looking scared of the boy who was easily a foot shorter than him.

“Bin, leave him alone.” Chan grinned, watching his friend try to protect his little brother.

“Hey I’m just looking out for him-”

“Let’s go before we’re kicked out,” Felix slipped out from under Chagbin’s arm and turned back to Mingi. “I’ll text you… I, uh, had a good time.”

“Me too,” Mingi grinned, his eyes turning up. “Uh, can I… kiss you before you go?”

“You were sticking your tongue down his throat for like, two hours and now you’re asking?” Changbin huffed, crossing his arms.

“Um-” Mingi looked between Changbin and Felix, eyes wide. “I-”

“Ignore him,” Felix rolled his eyes. “And yes, I’d love if you kissed me again.”

“Good.” Mingi pulled Felix in, hands on his hips and kissed him gently. Felix melted into the kiss, smiling against Mingi’s plush lips. It wasn’t until Chan coughed that they broke apart, both blushing and avoiding eye contact.

“I’ll see you around.” Felix said, smiling softly.

“Yeah, see you around.” Mingi shoved his hands in his pockets and grinned at the floor. As Felix started walking away, he saw Mingi’s friends finally approaching him and teasing him. Felix grinned.

“I can’t believe you made out with a random hot guy in the middle of our set.” Changbin pouted as they loaded back into Chan’s car.

“Me neither.” Felix stared at his hands, his cheeks warm.

“Just be careful,” Chan didn’t sound like he was smiling, but it was dark and Felix couldn’t tell what face his brother was making. “Don’t let the wrong people know.”

“I know,” Felix felt his chest deflate a little. “I probably won’t… ever see him again anyway. Even if we go back there, it could be weeks and there’s no way he’d wait for me for that long…”

“Hey, Lix it’s alright-” Chan’s voice dropped, but Felix was pulling out his headphones.

“Let me know when we’re home.” He whispered, all the magic in his blood fizzling out as they pulled onto the freeway.

“You guys look like shit.” Minho said, strutting into the auditorium as the lunch bell rang. Felix and Changbin had skipped all their morning classes - again - and were napping under some of the unused sets. They sat up as soon as the door opened, blinking into the bright stage lights.

“Feel like shit.” Felix mumbled, pulling his beanie over his watery eyes.

“Did you sleep at all last night?”

“I got an hour?” Changbin yawned wide, stretching and showing his stomach for a moment before laying back down again.

“You got an hour?” Felix’s voice was deeper than usual. “I got like twenty minutes.”

“What did you do last night?” Minho laughed incredulously. He could never go to school on only twenty minutes of sleep. He called his ten hours of sleep a night his primary form of self care.

“Concert.” Changbin’s voice slurred with sleep.

“Who in their right mind would have a concert on a Thursday night?”

“Us.”

“What?” Minho sat up.

“Me and Chan hyung,” Changbin yawned again. “We managed to get a couple hour window at this club in the city and we couldn’t not take it.”

“I didn’t know you made music.” Minho sounded impressed.

“Their music is the best,” Felix said, his face still mostly covered by his beanie. “Their lyrics are so meaningful and the backing tracks are so amazing and I just- every song is better than the last one.”

“Wow, can I hear some of these songs?” Minho raised an eyebrow, causing Changbin to blush.

“I, uh, don’t normally show people without Chan hyung with me,” Changbin muttered, kicking his feet over the edge of the stage. “It’s… performing is one thing but just showing someone feels anticlimactic, you know?”

“Invite me to your next concert then,” Minho demanded politely, locking his fingers together over his crossed knee and grinning at Changbin, “I want to hear this amazing music of yours.”

“Uh, I dunno…” Changbin stalled.

“The club wasn’t the best…” Felix tried.

“Which one was it?”

“Uh, I think it was something like the Golden Mane or something? It sounded medieval.” Changbin tried to remember but it was foggy.

“The Golden Mare?” Minho asked easily.

“Yeah that sounds about right.”

“I got there all the time,” he grinned. “I have friends that bartend there.”

“Are you…?” Felix trailed off, not sure if he should ask.

“Straight as a rainbow my dude,” Minho grinned at how both Changbin and Felix blanched at him. “What, are you surprised? I’m a theater kid and a dancer. Did you really think I was straight?”

“I mean, I never really thought about it…” Felix hid his face.

“Aw, you’re so cute when you’re flustered!” Minho giggled. “Let me be your date next time you go to a club.”

“S-sure hyung.” Felix somehow managed to blush even harder.

“Nice.”

“Don’t get too attached,” Changbin snickered. “He met someone last night.”

“Hyung!” Felix spun around.

“Oh? Who?” Minho perked up, his eyes glittering with interest.

“It’s nothing special-”

“It was this tall guy with blue streaks in his hair,” Changbin smirked, ignoring Felix’s whines. “He made Lix look so tiny and they were making out for almost the entire show.”

“No way! What else?” Minho asked, knowing they were going to tease Felix until the bell rang.

“You look like shit.” Hyunjin said as Jisung sat down heavily in his chair.

“Wow, thanks Jin,” Jisung sneered. “You sure know how to make a girl feel special.”

“What did you do last night?” Hyunjin asked, concern bleeding into his words. “You ran out after the meeting yesterday. Did hyung ever respond to you?”

“Yeah, he told me about a club that was two hours into the city.” Jisung yawned. He felt physically sick from how tired he was.

“Sung, don’t tell me you went to the club-”

“Just for a little bit… still didn’t get home till almost one, then I had homework to finish.”

“Well, did you at least find what you were looking for?” Hyunjin slid his overpriced energy drink towards his friend, who gladly drained half of it.

“Yes and no,” Jisung slammed his forehead on the desk. “I just… I don’t know what I was expecting to find, and I don’t know why I’m so… upset with what I found.”

“Well, what did you find?”

“I can’t tell you,” Jisung squeezed his eyes shut tightly. “It could ruin this person’s life and no matter what history we have, I’d never do that to them.”

“You’re a good friend Sung,” Hyunjin started playing with Jisung’s hair, knowing how much the smaller boy liked it. “I just hope whoever you’re protecting knows it too.”

Jisung didn’t answer. He just let Hyunjin play with his hair until the bell rang, reliving the last time he and Felix had a real conversation together.

He hoped they would never talk like that ever, ever again.

“Watch where you’re going, freak.” A senior spat as he rammed his shoulder into Felix. The guy was easily three inches taller than Lix, and could probably bench press the smaller degenerate.

“I’d say you should watch where you’re going, but with how your left eye is doing it’s own thing, it’s probably hard enough looking in two directions as it is.” Felix snapped. He hadn’t actually been in a bad mood up until that moment - in fact, if he hadn’t been in such a good mood, Felix probably wouldn’t have talked back. He was just excited because Mingi texted him and asked if he could pick Felix up after school to get coffee.

Mingi was going to drive all the way to his stupid school just to spend time with him. Felix’s cheeks warmed at the thought.

His cheeks instantly paled when he saw a fist flying at his face. He managed to dodge most of it, but the senior’s fist clipped his cheek and sent him slamming against the lockers. His head hit the metal with an echoing clang, but no one seemed to notice.

No one noticed when Felix got into fights. Who would want to stop the Most Likely to Be Arrested kid from getting the shit beat out of him? Changbin, maybe, but he was in woodshop class - all the way on the direct opposite side of the school.

Maybe… No, Felix told himself to stop relying on him years ago.

Another fist came at him, but he dodged that one better. The senior yowled as he punched the locked with full strength, leaving a dent for some poor sophomore to come back to after class.

“That all you got?” Felix teased, his tongue piercing flashing as he talked. The senior saw red and charged at the smaller boy, but Felix was ready. Chan and Changbin weren’t about to let their little bro survive public high school on his own.

Felix ducked and punched up into the older boy’s stomach, knocking the wind out of him. Binnie taught him that move - said people always underestimate small guys, and that Felix needed to use that to his advantage.

He dropped into a crouch and sprung under the senior’s arm, straightening up behind him and kicking the back of his knee. Chan always told him if your attacker can’t see, breathe or walk, they can’t hurt you.

The senior stumbled but stayed upright.

Felix knew he was fucked.

The senior spun around and charged, tackling Felix to the ground. He felt his head bounce off the tile flooring and a sudden ringing filled his ears as he scrambled to his feet. He and the senior boy stared at each other for a second. Felix wiped the corner of his mouth, where he bit his lip and could feel blood gathering. Just as the senior was about to charge again, a voice called out.

“I’ll give you three seconds to get the fuck out of this hallway or I’ll report you,” Jisung said suddenly, making the senior freeze. “And don’t think I won’t, asshole. Just because I’m a junior doesn’t mean I don’t own your ass.”

“You piece of-”

“Get the fuck out of my face and I’ll pretend I didn’t see you beating the shit out of someone half your size.” Jisung sounded almost bored. The senior looked between Felix and Jisung before huffing and grabbing his backpack, which had been discarded when the fight started.

He glared at Jisung as he walked past, but the student council president didn’t look the slightest bit intimidated. In fact, he added a raised eyebrow to the absolutely apathetic look on his normally smiling face. The senior huffed against and disappeared up the stairs, leaving Jisung and Felix alone in the hallway.

“How did no one else hear that?” Jisung asked as he moved to help Felix up. Felix hesitated but took the other boy’s hand after a moment. “He was basically screaming.”

“They probably knew he was fighting me,” Felix grimaced as the world spun a little. That probably wasn’t good. “They got tired of me getting in trouble so they stopped caring when I got the shit beat out of me.”

“That’s not okay-”

“It’s fine Sungie,” Felix muttered, not realizing what he called the other boy. He didn’t notice Jisung freeze as he grabbed his own backpack - all he could focus on was how his head hurt and his face throbbed. “I’m used to it. I’m the bad kid, remember?”

“Lix-”

“Get back to class Jisung,” Felix turned and offered Jisung a tired smile. His lip was already starting to swell a little, and Jisung could see how the blonde’s eyes were slightly unfocused. “It’s not worth getting in trouble over.”

“But-” Jisung was cut off again, this time by a sad smile. Jisung felt his stomach drop. He remembered a different smile - one filled with joy and excitement and life.
Neither had seen that smile on Felix’s face in many, many years.

Felix hiked his backpack onto his sore shoulder and walked towards the bathroom. JIsung knew he should follow but he didn’t.

He couldn’t bring himself to.

Chapter Text

“Wait what?” Seungmin asked, looking like he couldn’t decide if he should be upset or amazed.

“Yeah, they’re actually really nice once you give them a chance.” Minho sat on the desk in the younger’s creative drama class. Seungmin and Jeongin were sitting in their respective chairs like good students, but because Minho was a senior and a friend of the professor - who was the director of the musicals - he didn’t care about sitting on top of a desk and talking loudly.

“How-?”

“They were cutting class in the auditorium and I snuck in to avoid the cafeteria one day. We’ve been friends ever since.” Minho shrugged.

“We’re coming today then.” Jeongin said suddenly, making both Minho and Seungmin look at him like he was mad.

“What? Why?” Seungmin hissed, smacking his friend on the arm.

“Everyone seems so scared of them but they can’t be that bad if Miho hyung likes them,” Jeongin reasoned, rubbing his arm with a glare. “Besides, I overheard hyung talking about some club that they were at and showed me some of their music and I want to talk to them about it.”

“Wait, you got to hear their music?” Minho scowled. “That’s not fair!”

“You haven’t?”

“No, Changbin says he’s uncomfortable showing people without Chan hyung,” Minho pouted more. “Even though I’ve asked like, every day.”

“Chan hyung?” Seungmin perked up - he knew that name. Who didn’t, in some way or another?

“Felix is his little brother,” Minho explained with a small smile. “Small world, huh?”

“Wait, is he the one that dated Woojin hyung?” Seungmin asked, leaning forward as if they were talking about something secretive.

“Yup.”

“If you’re friends with his little brother now… do you know what happened to him and Woojin hyung?” Jeongin asked, eyes wide with curiosity. Minho’s smile faded and he looked down at his hands awkwardly.

“Um, well… yeah, but I don’t know if I should-”

“Was it something bad?” Seungmin whispered, staring up at Minho.

“Apparently Chan hyung’s parents found out,” Minho said softly. He felt rather than heard both the younger boys suck in a horrified gasp. They knew where this was going. “They… sent Chan to conversion therapy. I’m guessing it didn’t work all that well since they performed at the Golden Mare, which is a pretty popular gay bar.”

“Jesus christ… and all this time I thought it was his fault that Woojin hyung got his heart broken.” Seungmin chewed on the end of his pencil, deep in thought.

“We all did,” Minho sighed. “Chan hyung wanted people to think it was his fault so they wouldn’t think poorly of Woojin hyung. In the end, he still cared about him.”

“But why would he do that?”

“Because he didn’t want anything bad to happen to him.”

“When did this all happen?” Jeongin asked, eyes glassy but still curious.

“Um, Felix’s freshman year, so my sophomore year.”

“Oh damn alright… I remember Felix disappearing for like a week our freshman year,” Seungmin remembered that fact in the moment. He had completely forgotten about the other boy until then. He had been a normal kid before the disappearance - soft sweaters and bright smiles - but when he came back he was different. He wore all black - most of it obviously taken from his brother. His ears were pierced and he smelled of cigarette smoke. “I wonder if that has any connection…”

“Maybe, but I don’t want to ask,” Minho shook his head. “That kid has gone through so much… I don’t want to make him relive anything bad.”

“That’s fair…”

“I’m sure they’ll love you,” Minho nodded and jumped off the desk. “Meet me in the auditorium entryway right at the start of lunch. They’ll probably be there.”

“You good man?” Changbin asked, noticing how quiet Felix was being. After a moment of silence, Felix looked up and gave him a small smile.

“Yeah, just tired.” he answered, instantly dropping his head again.

“Is it that Mingi kid? Do I need to beat him up?”

“No, he’s good,” Felix played with his phone, not unlocking the screen. “We talk a good amount…”

“Then what-” A sudden thought hit him. “Oh man, it’s that time again, isn’t it?”

“Can you believe it’s been two years?” Felix chuckled, no emotion behind the action. “I can’t… sometimes it still seems like a bad dream, you know?”

“It’s okay Lix,” Changbin said softly, pulling his friend into a hug. He was careful of the younger boy’s side - he had just gotten the tattoo finished the night before so the skin was still sore and red. “He’s okay now. You’re okay now-”

“I’m not though,” Felix pulled away abruptly, startling Changbin. Felix never pulled away from hugs. “I’m- I’ll never be okay until I move out and even then, everything I do is going to depend on my parents… they’ve been holding college tuition over my head since Chan was a freshman! I wasn’t even in high school yet and they were threatening me with it! If they ever find out about Mingi, or about the club or even that you and him make music… if they find out anything, it’s over! It’s fucking… over…” Felix deflated, tears welling up in his eyes. He refused to cry, especially at school.

“Lix-” Just as Changbin was about to console the younger boy, the auditorium doors slammed open and Minho strutted in, followed by two other boys.

“Honey! I’m hooome~” He sang, his voice echoing off the walls. He grinned at the two black-clad boys, only to have his smile drop instantly. “Is… is this a bad time?”

“No, it’s fine,” Felix scrubbed his face with his sleeve and offered the older boy a tired smile. “Um, new friends?”

“Oh, yeah this is Seungmin and Jeongin. They’re in the theater department with me.” Minho turned to his friends, concern for Felix still painted on his features.

“Nice to meet you,” Felix turned to the new boys. “If you put up with him, you must be alright.”

“Hey-”

“Put up with is putting it lightly.” Seungmin deadpanned, making Felix laugh.

“Hey!” Minho tried again.

“Right? We’ve only been friends for like two weeks and-”

“Stop talking about me like I’m not heeeere,” Minho whined, tugging on Felix’s sleeve. “Stop bonding over bullying meee…”

“Hey Lix, can I talk to you for a second?” Changbin asked, pulling Felix to the side. Minho distracted Seungmin and Jeongin, shooting the two black-clad boys a questioning look.

“What’s up hyung?”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Changbin asked again, placing a comforting hand on Felix’s arm. “I know how hard this time of year is for you… is Chan hyung going to be around tonight?”

“Nah, he has this big commission for some rich client at the shop,” Felix forced a smile. He knew how much the parlor meant to Chan, and how much becoming a steady artist meant to both of their futures. “He’s been talking about it all week… it’s okay though. I was just going to go home after school. Do some homework. Maybe get drunk.”

“Want me to come over? I can bring some of that wine you like and help you study.” Changbin really didn’t want Felix to be alone, but he knew if he just showed up, the younger boy would try to push him away again.

“Thanks, but I think I’ll be okay,” Felix forced another smile. “I kinda want to be alone, you know? Sometimes being around people just…”

“Uses up all your spoons.” Changbin finished with a small smirk. Chan had been the one to introduce the spoon analogy to their group. He explained that everyone has a certain number of spoons every day, and that it varies depending on how they’re feeling. Activities take up spoons, and when you run out of spoons you can’t bring yourself to do anything else. Chan said some call it a social-battery, but Felix liked the spoon story more.

“Yeah, I’ve been out of spoons since yesterday,” Felix sighed some, his smile a little more genuine. “I just need some time to recharge, you know?”

“I gotcha,” Changbin still wasn’t happy though. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come over? We don’t even have to do anything. We can throw on a movie and I’ll just nap on the couch like usual.”

“If I find some spare spoons lying around, you’ll be the first to know.” Felix’s smile was a little more genuine again - seeing it put Changbin’s anxiety at ease. At least, enough to drop the subject.

“Hey, any of you want to trade lunches?” He called over to the three theater kids.

“I have an apple!” Jeongin called back, holding up a shiny red apple. Changbin nodded thoughtfully.

“Any better offers?” He asked, rummaging through his own lunch.

“Nah, all I have is leftovers.” Seungmin shrugged.

Felix watched his ever-growing friend group complain about lunches and swap snacks with a small smile. He was too tired to really smile, but they sure knew how to make his lips turn up, just the slightest bit.

Jisung didn’t know what he was doing. It was almost ten in the evening and he had homework, yet he was wandering the streets in his ratty sneakers and oversized jacket. He didn’t know why he was so anxious all of a sudden. His day had gone pretty normally: Hyunjin being a bitch in homeroom but sneaking Jisung an iced coffee, like the saint he was. Jisung, almost falling asleep in class but masking it as focusing really hard on the textbook on his desk. Lunch, where he and Hyunjin went to the pizza place and made it back just in time for the bell. Classes passed in a bur, and the meeting after school went nowhere, as usual.

So why was he so uneasy?

He saw the bridge up ahead. It separated the better-off neighborhood from the ‘has seen better days’ neighborhood. Jisung hated how clear the difference was. He could easily see the clean, freshly painted homes on the other side of the bridge, as if they were mocking his side. His side, with their patchy lawns and chipping paint and broken fences.

They weren’t that much better than he was, they just happened to have a little more of an advantage.
Jisung scowled and kicked a rock on the road. No one - save Hyunjin - knew what his home life was like, and he would rather die than let anyone find out. He had a reputation to uphold. How would people treat him if they realized their student council president came from the shitty side of town? That their president used Hyunjin’s old uniforms and could only afford new shoes once a year?

No one could know. The only two people who had any idea were Hyunjin and…

“Felix?” Jisung whispered, recognizing the figure on the bridge. Even if the other boy hadn’t bleached his hair white-blonde, there was something so distinct about his small features cloaked in all black, the ink of his tattoos startling against his skin.

Felix didn’t respond. He just stared out at the water in silence. Jisung watched him for a moment, wondering why he was sitting up on the ledge-

And just like that, Jisung remembered what day it was.

It had been two years since Jisung had stopped Felix from throwing himself over the very ledge he was now perched on. Two years since Jisung and Felix really talked, the last time having been the night Felix sobbed into Jisung’s shoulder on the ground of the bridge.

Jisung took off running, not caring that he was making more noise than he should have been. Felix didn’t even look up. He grabbed the other boy around the waist and pulled him back down, slamming his tailbone on the concrete as Felix’s head hit his jaw.

“What-?” Felix slurred, looking around confused. Jisung bit back a colorful string of curses as he situated Felix into a proper sitting position.

“Felix what the FUCK?” Jisung yelled, his voice cracking as his eyes began to sting.

“Sungie?” Felix asked, his gaze finally focusing on the boy in front of him. “Oh… I wasn’t going to jump… not this time.”

“Then why were you up there?” Jisung hissed, trying his hardest not to cry. Why should he care so much? It wasn’t like he and Felix were close or anything.

“I just… why do you think we’re here, Sungie?” Felix let his head loll back and rest on the wall of the bridge.

“What?” Jisung wasn’t used to the nickname. He hadn’t been called that in years.

“Us. You… me… what’s the point of us existing?” Felix asked again, as if he was just asking for directions. “What sort of- of cosmic joke am I?”

“Are you okay?” Jisung was worried. Felix wasn’t wearing a coat, but his skin was flushed and warm against Jisung’s bare palm.

“Why did it have to be him?” Felix leaned forward, his head drunkenly thumping onto Jisung’s shoulder.

“Who?”

“Chris… he didn’t deserve any of it,” Felix started sobbing, painful cries tearing his chest apart. “He- he deserves to be happy more than- than anyone! But now he’s- he’s not allowed at home any more and our parents act like- like he doesn’t exist and- and it’s not FAIR!”

“He’s a strong guy-”

“I wish it had been me,” Felix’s sobs instantly silenced into a whisper. “I… everyone would have been better off if Chris had stayed and I left… so many people look up to him and- and who do I have? Changbin hyung?”

“Lix-”

“I love him… but I know he’s only my friend because- because Chris told him to watch out for me…” Felix’s tears were running silently down his face, his cheeks flushed from whatever he had drunk before mixed with his grief. “Other than Binnie hyung and Chris… I don’t got nobody… nobody would miss me if I left…”

“That’s not true-”

“Chris and Woojin hyung shouldn’t have had to break up,” Felix sniffled sadly. “I- I feel so guilty, you know? I met Mingi and things were going great and he- he seemed to really like me but I just couldn’t do it… I couldn’t keep talking to him knowing- knowing that Chris had everything taken, you know?”

“Chris would want you to be happy,” Jisung whispered in English, knowing it would be his best bet at getting through to Felix while he was like this. “He loves you so much. He always has.”

“I don’t deserve him,” Felix started crying again. “I- I’m a bad p-person Sungie…”

“You could never be a bad person,” Jisung whispered, his own eyes finally betraying him and dropping hot tears down his cheeks. “I’m the bad person.”

“Sometimes… I wonder if I left… if Mom and Dad would take Chris back,” Felix sniffed, his words slurring to the point where Jisung could barely understand him. “If… if I was gone, they’d love him again.”

“You can’t say that-”

“I miss having him around,” Felix curled up in Jisung’s arms more. “Sure he’s- he’s around, but not around- around… I can’t sneak into his bed when I have a nightmare and I can’t- I can’t even say his fucking name anymore and-”

He couldn’t finish. He started sobbing again, burying his face in Jisung’s second hand jacket. Jisung hadn’t felt this hopeless in a long time. That night, two yers ago, he had prayed to whatever god might exist that he would never find Felix on the bridge again. That he would never see the other boy’s eyes so flat and lifeless ever again.

Guess God wasn’t listening.

Jisung could only do one thing. He dug out Felix’s phone from the boy’s backpocket and grimaced - three percent. He used Felix’s limp hand to unlock the phone and called Chan - this time he could call Chan, thankfully.

Last time, Chan was gone.

“Lix? What’s up?” Chan sounded confused.

“It’s… It’s Jisung,” he had to swallow to stop his voice from cracking. “We’re on the bridge by our neighborhood.”

“Bridge- what? What’s going on?” Chan’s confusion was now fear.

“He’s fucked up hyung. I don’t know what he drank but I doubt he’ll remember it in the morning,” Jisung could feel Felix falling asleep in his arms. Thankfully no one walked across that bridge anymore - not since they added the paths through the park. “He said he wasn’t going to jump but-”

“I’m on my way,” There was the sound of movement on the other side of the call - frantic footsteps, keys jingling, faint curses. “Don’t- don’t move. Don’t let him go anywhere. I’ll be there in five minutes tops.”

“I don’t think he’s going anywhere any time soon,” Jisung sighed. “Just… hurry.”

“I’ll be there soon.” Chan hung up just as Felix’s phone powered off. Jisung hoped Chan remembered the bridge well enough. He looked down at Felix, who was sleeping soundly in his arms. He always remembered Felix being a small kid, but god he looked so much smaller under the yellow light of the dying street lamp. Jisung heard a car speeding towards the bridge and hoped it was Chan - otherwise he’d have a lot to explain. The car skidded to a stop and Chan burst out of the passenger side, falling to his knees next to the boys.

“Oh pup, why did you do this to yourself?” he whispered, gently pulling Felix from Jisung’s arms into his own. His brother looked so breakable next to him.

“I was worried he was going to try to jump again.” Jisung muttered, pulling his jacket closer around his body. He was getting cold. Chan’s head snapped up.

“A-again?” His voice cracked. Jisung felt his blood run cold for a moment.

“He… he never told you?”

“What do you mean again?” Chan asked, silently begging Jisung to deny it.

“About two years ago, around this time, I pulled him off the edge,” Jisung whispered, feeling like he was betraying Felix for talking about what happened when he was unconscious and unable to defend himself. “I… I didn’t know why he would want to jump… not until tonight, I think.”

“What did he say tonight?” Chan’s voice sounded tight. Whoever had driven the car had put it in park and was walking over to them.

“Um, he was saying how if he was gone, your parents would love you again,” It hurt to say. He couldn’t imagine how much pain Felix must have felt living it. “That… that he couldn’t talk with that guy from the club because he felt too guilty… that he shouldn’t be happy when you had everything fucked up.”

“Lix… you idiot,” Chan was crying. The other person knelt next to him, and it was only then that Jisung realized who it was. “Why didn’t you just talk to me?”

“He’s alive, and that’s what matters right now,” Woojin said in a calm voice. “He’s going to feel like shit when he wakes up, but we can talk to him.”

“What if we were too late?” Chan asked, almost silently. “What if- if I had to hear that- that my baby brother killed himself? Two years ago… that’s when they sent me to therapy… oh god-”

He choked, trying to stifle his sobs so as not to shake the boy in his arms.

“You can help him, right?” Jisung sounded so small, even to his own ears.

“Of course we will,” Woojin reassured the smaller boy. “We’ll make sure he’s alright. Do you need a ride home? You look like you’re freezing.”

“No, I’m-”

“Let us drive you home Sungie,” Chan said, softly but with no room for arguments. “It’s the least we can do.”

“Ah.. alright, I guess.” Jisung relented. Chan gestured for him to sit in the front while he held Felix in the back.

It had been an exhausting night, and it was only eleven.

Chapter Text

Felix didn’t even have to open his eyes to know he was dying. He slowly woke up, keeping what little light that was trying to get through his eyelids out. His stomach rolled and his head throbbed and he thought he might still be a little drunk with how the room was spinning so horrifically.
It was then that he realized something. His bed wasn’t nearly this soft, nor his blankets so comfy. He wanted to sit up and look around, but his stomach lurched and he knew moving would be a bad idea.

“Lix? You up yet?” Chan whispered from across the room. Felix groaned and buried his face in the pillow. “If you think you’re going to throw up, we put a bucket next to the bed-”

That’s all he needed to hear. He sat bolt upright and grabbed the bucket, sticking his head in and releasing the contents of his stomach. The bile made his nose sting, and his tears were splashing in with the bitter smelling vomit, but he was just so relieved to be getting it out of his system. He was already feeling better, and each heave of his abdomen brought him a little closer to being able to actually sit upright.

He felt a hand on his back, rubbing comforting warmth into his spine as he continues to throw up. Soon, the only thing he could spit up was saliva and stomach acid, and he finally put the bucket to the side. It was taken from him, but the hand on his back didn’t move.

“Better?” Chan asked, a hint of teasing in his tone. Felix nodded but didn’t open his eyes yet. The room was still spinning even if his stomach had settled a little. “I have a water bottle and some advil if you want it.”

“Water…” Felix croaked out. As much as he wanted the painkillers, he wasn’t sure if taking them on an empty stomach would just make things worse.

“Here.” Chan put the bottle in his hand. Felix opened it and brought it to his lips, all while keeping his eyes shut tight. The water was cool and tasted like the elixir of life itself. He had never had water that was so amazing in his entire life.

“Time?” His voice was deep and scratchy. Why was his voice so scratchy? Drinking didn’t normally do that to him. Did something happen that he didn’t remember?

“Almost noon,” Chan answered, rubbing his back again. “I’m honestly surprised you’re up already. You were pretty fucked up when we brought you back.”

“Where am I?” Felix hated not knowing where he was - he hated blacking out more than anything, which was why he was always the mostly-sober friend when they went out.

“Woojin’s apartment,” Chan kept his voice low, for Felix’s sake. “Jisung called us and we came to pick you up.”

“What happened?”

“I should be asking you that.” Chan’s hand stilled for a second before continuing along the smaller boy’s back.

“Uh… I remember getting home and…” Felix stopped. He wasn’t sure if he was going to burp or throw up more. When the feeling passed he kept talking. “I got home and I took some shots… I didn’t know if I wanted to be alone or with people so I took some more. I got sad, so I went for a walk… I think I remember the bridge but after that it’s blank.”

“Oh Lix…” Chan whispered, mostly to himself.

“What happened when you picked me up?”

“Well, like I said, Jisung called us. Said you were shitfaced at the bridge… when we came you were passed out in his arms. Looked like you had been crying.”

“That explains my throat then.” Felix rubbed his eyes.

“He told me some things,” Chan somehow got quieter. “Lix… did you…?”

“Did I what?” Felix asked, sounding almost bored. He didn’t know what Chan was going to ask, but he felt like death warmed over and having his brother dance around whatever he was going to say was making Felix’s headache worse.

“Did you really try to kill yourself? Two years ago?” Chan finally whispered, feeling Felix freeze under his fingers.

“I-” Felix could feel himself paling. Why? Why would Jisung tell Chan? He promised-

“Tell me what happened pup,” Chan pulled Felix into his chest, just like he used to when they were kids and the younger would have a nightmare. “I’m not angry, I just want to know what happened.”

“I…”

Felix was in shock. His ears were ringing from how silent the house was all of sudden. Just minutes before there had been screaming and glass shattering and the sound of fists against soft bodies filling the air, but now there was just silence. Felix sat alone in the room that he and Chan shared, staring at his older brother’s bed. The sheets were messed up. Chan always made his bed, every morning without fail.

He had to piece together what had happened from the screams. Dad had come home early, Felix deduced. He came home early and wanted to see if Chan was home yet. He opened the bedroom door without knocking and saw…

Felix felt a tear drip down his cheeks. He knew Chan and Woojin were dating. It was one of his closet guarded secrets - next to his own interest in the same gender - because he knew if their parents were to even THINK their sons were gay, it would end in bloodshed.

And it did.

Felix had come home to Chan sobbing on the living room floor, blood dripping down his face from where their dad’s wedding ring had clipped his forehead. Felix instantly dropped his bag and rushed to his brother, hoping to maybe shield him from any more blows with his lithe body, but he was harshly shoved away.

“Did you know about this?” Their father demanded, turning to Felix. “Did you know Chan was a fucking fag?”

“I-” Felix was stunned.

“NO! He didn’t! I didn’t tell anyone,” Chan sobbed, trying to get in between their father and Felix, who found himself unable to move from his spot on the carpet. “Don’t-”

“Don’t tell me what to do!” His father roared. Their mother came rushing in, a small duffel bag in her hand.

“That’s enough honey,” She said, putting a hand on his arm. She gave Chan a cold look, and Felix watched his normally happy brother shrink away. “They’re expecting us in an hour. We should go.”

“Wh-where are you going?” Felix found his voice.

“We’re taking your brother somewhere that will fix him,” Their mother said with a forced smile. Felix thought he was going to throw up. “He’s sick right now, but they’re going to fix him so he’s not thinking such awful things anymore.”

“You can’t-” Felix shouted, trying to push past their parents to get to Chan, but was thrown back onto the ground.

“We can and we will,” Their father growled. “He’s my son. And I’ll do anything to make sure my son isn’t a disappointment.”

“But-”

“No buts! Chan, get in the car.” The man turned to Chan, who cowered again. The older boy stood, but instead of leaving the house, he rushed to Felix. He pulled his brother into a tight hug despite the screams behind them, and whispered in the younger boy’s ear.

“Don’t let them hurt you,” He said quickly, knowing he only had a few moments. “I’ll be fine. Just take care of yourself. I’ll be back soon-”

He was ripped away from Felix and dragged from the house by their father, their mother trailing close behind. The front door slammed, leaving Felix alone in the living room.

He wandered up to their room and saw Chan’s bed. He saw a pair of boxers that didn’t belong to his brother - Chan wore boxer briefs - and a new dent in the wall. He suddenly felt so, so alone.

Going to their shared closet, Felix went to Chan’s half and pulled out the elder’s favorite hoodie. He started doing this when he was twelve - going into Chan’s closet and taking clothing when he felt alone and lost. It made it feel like his brother was a little closer.

He suddenly couldn’t stand being in this house anymore. He grabbed his phone and his keys and left, not even bothering to lock the door behind him.

Felix walked, not knowing where he was going. He didn’t even realize he was crying until he started hiccuping, the tears instantly soaking into the grey-ing black fabric of Chan’s favorite hoodie. Chan wore a lot of black, which everyone said contrasted so much against Felix’s cardigans and pink sweaters.

He found himself at the bridge. He hadn’t been there in years. Foot traffic over the bridge had decreased after they used tax dollars to build a new park. They did this because too many kids were throwing themselves off the bridge and the police were tired of fishing bodies out from the river below. Any kid found in the water, the authorities knew what side they came from, and no one wanted to deal with his side.

It was easy to pull himself up onto the ledge. He and his friends used to do it all the time. They’d sit on the ledge and throw rocks into the water and talk about what they would do if they had enough money to move.

The water seemed so much closer now. Maybe it was because he was taller, or maybe because it had been raining. He kicked his feet against the crumbling rocks.

Why had everything gone so wrong so quickly? He had been so excited for Chan when he started dating Woojin. He remembered how bright Chan smiled when he recounted how they started dating. The elder was glowing with joy, and Felix would have done anything to keep his brother smiling like that.

What would happen if their parents found out about Felix? He liked girls, sure, but he was also interested in boys too. Chan said he could be bi, or pan, or anything that Felix felt comfortable calling himself. Chan was always so accepting and bright and wonderful and now he was going to conversion therapy and when he came back he was going to be broken. Felix knew what conversion therapy did to people. He had seen two different kids kill themselves because of how badly they were treated.

He couldn’t lose his brother. He couldn’t lose Chan. Chan was the only person he could trust with anything - he could trust Chan with absolutely anything. If Felix killed someone, Chan would be the first person to be coming up with a plan to bury the body.

He started sobbing again. His one safe place was gone. His home was now a war zone. The second he stepped back in that building, he was going to have a target on his back every moment of every day. He was going to have to be completely on guard at all times, never feeling safe in his own home ever again.

What was he going to do now? He had no one in school. Sure he chatted with Changbin - Chan’s friend who was between them in age - but it wasn’t the same as having real friends. All he had was Chan, and now Chan was gone.

Felix leaned forward, his chest in too much pain. He had been so, so afraid of things turning out this way. They found Chan out, which meant he was next.

He started shaking even harder.

They were going to find out he was gay too, and they wouldn’t be nearly as nice with him. Everyone new Chan was the favorite son. Chan was the planned son, the perfect son. Felix was the broken condom. Felix was the ‘we don’t believe in abortions’ child. Felix was always a few points behind on tests and a few seconds late in laps and a few notches less than Chan in their parents eyes no matter what he did.

If they found out he was gay too? He wouldn’t go to therapy. He’d be locked in the basement until he shaped up, or hit so hard he forgot he liked dick the way only girls were supposed to.

“I can’t do it,” Felix whispered, his voice cracking. Tears poured even faster down his face. “I can’t- I can’t go back… I can’t-”

“Felix?” A familiar voice called, but Felix ignored it. It hadn’t been the first time he stared down at the water, wondering if it’s cold embrace would be more welcoming than what waited for him back home, but this time the river’s siren call seemed louder than ever.

He didn’t want to face his parents. He didn’t want to face Chan, or who Chan was going to come back as. He didn’t want any of it.

All he had to do was lean… forward…

“What the FUCK?” He was ripped down from the ledge. He didn’t think - he just started thrashing around. How dare someone try to stop him? Why now? After fourteen years of no one giving a shit about him, why was he being stopped now? After years of being side-eyed and passed over because of his address and his parents, why did someone suddenly decide as soon as he decided to give up?

“Let me GO!” Felix sobbed, thrashing harder against whoever was holding him down.

“Not until you stop trying to break my fucking nose.” The voice said again, and Felix finally recognized it.

“Jisung?” Felix hadn’t talked to Han Jisung in almost two full years.

“What the fuck are you trying to do?” Jisung asked, pulling Felix a little bit farther away from the edge. “What about Chan hyung? Huh? You’re just going to leave him?”

“Hyung is gone Sungie,” The old nickname rolling off his tongue easily. “They took him away.”

“What?”

“They- they found out he was gay. They took him to conversion therapy,” Felix started crying again. Oh god, how was this reality? How could reality hurt so much? “And- and I’m n-next Sungie… they’re gonna find out about me next and- and they love Chan hyung more… they won’t be as nice with me and I’m so fucking scared-”

“Hey, it’s alright,” Jisung bit his lip as he held Felix. He knew it was awkward for him to be the one to find the other boy. He was the one that broke off their friendship after all - Jisung lived in the slightly better part of the bad part of town, while Felix lived in the worse end. He couldn’t be seen with Felix, because then people would start to piece things together - especially now that they were in high school. High school was Jisung’s time to start fresh. New friends, new life - no one could know. Even if that meant cutting off his best friend. “You’re going to be okay-”

“No, I won’t,” Felix argued. “I’m- I’m gonna have to be watch every single thing I say and do until I can support myself… I’m only fourteen Sungie… how long is it going to take to be independent from those assholes? Five years? Ten years? I don’t- I don’t think I can live that long.”

“Promise me Lixie,” Jisung hadn’t called Felix that in a long time. “Please promise me that you’re going to make it through this.”

“I can’t promise… I don’t want to be here anymore…”

“Lixie, please,” Jisung was starting to cry too. “At least promise me that you’ll try.”

“Promise me you won’t tell anyone then,” Felix whispered, his voice so low Jisung almost didn’t hear him. “Please Jisung… no one can know any of this… Chan hyung, me liking- liking boys… the bridge. No one can know because if any of this gets back to my parents I’m dead. They’ll fucking k-kill me Jisung…Especially not Chan hyung… he can NEVER know.”

“I… I promise,” Jisung whispered, his chest clutching painfully. He knew what kind of people Felix’s parents were. He knew, and still left his birthday twin alone with them. “Now you gotta promise me.”

“I… I’ll do my best,” Felix’s eyes dropped to the cracking pavement they were sitting on. He played with the fraying hem of Chan’s sweatshirt. “I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try.”

“Take care of yourself, and show your asshole parents that you don’t need them.”

“I’ll try.”

“Do you… want to come over my place? So you don’t have to go home?” Jisung offered with a wince. He knew what Felix’s answer would be before the sentence was even fully past his chapped lips.

“Thanks for the offer, but it’s alright,” Felix’s smile was bitter. “I don’t want to cause you any more problems.”

Jisung knew he didn’t just mean the bridge. Jisung felt sick to his stomach - he had said so many awful things to Felix the last time they spoke, almost two years ago.

“Let me walk you home at least.”

“Alright…” Felix didn’t argue. He didn’t want to be alone, but he knew he couldn’t rely on Jisung anymore. That had been made quite clear back in middle school. Felix was bad, and Jisung made sure Felix knew they couldn’t be friends anymore. He made sure Felix knew - and all hundred fifty students that went to their school.

Jisung walked Felix home, and tried to keep his heart from breaking when the other boy slammed the front door to an empty house in his face.

Felix didn’t know what to do. The last person he ever wanted to talk to again had stopped him from killing himself. He had tried to kill himself.

He had tried to kill himself, and Chan wasn’t there. Chan wasn’t there, and all Felix wanted was his brother. All Felix wanted was his brother and to feel safe again.

He stole a pair of Chan’s sleep pants and crawled into Chan’s bed.

He felt a little safer as he fell asleep. He didn’t go to school for the rest of the week.

“Oh Lix…” Chan looked like he was going to cry. Felix had closed his eyes halfway through his story and rested his head on Chan’s shoulder. He was so fucking exhausted, and he almost wished he had something in his stomach to throw up, if just to get rid of the nausia.

“It’s over now, so it’s okay,” Felix burped, the taste of vomit and whatever he got drunk on dancing on the back of his tongue. “Just… forget about it?”

“I’m not going to forget about it,” Chan said, his voice making Felix flinch. He softened his words, pulling his brother closer. “I’m not going to let you deal with this alone. You’re my little bro. My best friend… you never should have had to go through this alone in the first place… but I’m here now.”

“I’ve accepted it,” Felix whispered. “It was easier being the edgy degenerate than trying to convince people I wasn’t- wasn’t a threat I guess… though I don’t know what about me was so threatening…”

“And here I thought you started dressing like me because you idolized me.” Chan joked lightly. Felix’s mouth turned up at the corners, the sound of Chan’s chuckle setting his mind at ease some.

“I did,” Felix muttered, feeling himself fall asleep. “You… you never let anything phase you… even that fucked up therapy. You came back and…. And you were the same Chrissy I always looked up to. I guess… if I dressed like you, I could get some of your confidence. Then Changbin hyung started hanging out with me… I know you’re disappointed in me cuz I smoke, but it makes me feel better.”

“I could never be disappointed in you,” Chan rocked gently, hoping to comfort his brother even a little bit. “Worried, but never ever disappointed. I could never be disappointed in you.”

“Makes me feel good hyung.”

“I know Lix, that’s why I do it,” Chan sighed a little. “We can quit together.”

“Maybe…”

“Wanna go back to sleep?”

“Yeah…”

“Alright bud, let’s get you laying down again,” Chan helped Felix get back under the covers. “When you wake up, come find us okay? We can get you something to eat and we can talk a bit more.”

“Alright… love you....” He drifted off to sleep, this time feeling much more comfortable. Before he was fully unconscious, he gave himself a moment to wonder why Chan and Woojin were at the same apartment.

Chapter Text

Jisung couldn’t sit still. After what happened the night before, finding Felix on the bridge… he couldn’t sleep at all, despite the exhaustion settling into his bones. He knew he could just… call the freckled boy. He was pretty sure Felix hadn’t changed his number since middle school, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. He had gotten a text from Chan, who still had his number from before, that told him Felix had woken up and the address they were staying at. He had read the message but didn’t respond.

He sat in homeroom, exhausted and worried and too afraid to call.

“You okay man?” Hyunjin asked, sitting next to his friend and placing an iced coffee on the desk in front of the other boy. He had known Jisung long enough that he could tell instantly when Jisung was in a genuinely bad mood. He knew better than to tease the shorter boy when he looked the way he did then.

“I don’t know.” Jisung whispered, staring at the table.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“I dunno.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Dunno…”

“Well,” Hyunjin hated how deflated Jisung sounded. “If you think of something I can do, let me know okay?”

“Kay…” Jisung muttered before putting his head down on the desk. Hyunjin knew the conversation was over. When the bell rang, Jisung booked it from the room without his friend.

Jisung never touched the iced coffee.

“Where are you going?” Hyunjin asked as Jisung raced down the hallway. The smaller boy skidded to a stop but didn’t turn around.

“Uh, I have to check on something.” He said faintly, his fingers drumming on the side of his leg anxiously. The drumming only got faster when he heard Hyunjin scoff.

“I’ve never tried to pry into things before,” Hyunjin started, stepping closer to his friend. He saw Jisung freeze even more. “You know that. You know I let things slide when you didn’t want to talk and kept things secret for you. You know I’d do anything for you.”

“I know…”

“But this? You’re really freaking me out Sung,” His shoulders dropped. “I… I know you, and this isn’t you, and I don’t know what to think.”

“It’s fine-”

“And I know you’re covering for whoever you made that promise to, but look at yourself Sung. You’re a mess. You look like you haven’t slept in days and you’ve been shaking so hard I couldn't even read your notes. Please, just tell me what’s going on. I promise I won’t tell anyone… I just want to help you.”

“Jin…” Jisung turned around. And Hyunjin was greeted with how truly shitty his friend looked. Dark bags under his eyes, pale cheeks, greasy bangs, chapped lips from biting them. Jisung was a mess, and Hyunjin wasn’t going to let it get any worse. Jisung stared at his friend for a moment, battling with himself, before sighing. “Fine… Come on, we can go together, though I doubt he’ll be happy to see you.”

“If he’s important to you, I want to help.” Hyunjin said seriously. Jisung offered him a tired smile before turning and heading to the parking lot.

Hyunjin drove in silence, JIsung pointing out directions here and there. Normally, Hyunjin drove himself and Jisung walked, seeing how Hyunjin lived in the next town over. He went to their high school because it had a good reputation for students going into business, so he figured it was worth the extra commute.

“I think this is it.” Jisung said, pointing to a quaint apartment building. They parked but didn’t get out of the car - Jisung staring at his phone and Hyunjin staring at Jisung.

“Jisung-”

“Come on, they’re probably thinking we’re some sort of creeps or something.” Jisung climbed out of the car and closed the door behind him with more force than needed. Hyunjin sighed and locked the doors behind him before following Jisung up to the front door. The smaller boy looked at the buzzers by the door for a second before perking up and pressing the one labeled 4.

“Hello?” A voice called through the small box, making them both jump.

“Woojin hyung?” Jisung barely recognized the voice, but it was definitely his friend’s.

“Jisung?” Woojin sounded shocked. “What-?”

“Is… is Felix still here?” Jisung asked, his voice dropping a little - as if he was saying something forbidden. There was a moment of silence before a new voice came through the speaker.

“Jisung?” Chan asked, sounding exhausted.

“Chan hyung-”

“I’ll buzz you up,” Chan cut him off. A second later, the front door clicked. Hyunjin opened it and held it for Jisung, who had shoved his hands in his pockets harshly. They made their way to the fourth floor, where a single door broke up the small landing. There was a plaque hanging from the small hook, and Jisung instantly recognized Chan’s art style.

Before he could even knock, the door opened to reveal an exhausted Chan and a confused Woojin standing slightly back. “I’m glad you came… I was kinda expecting you not to, honestly.”

“I couldn’t not…” Jisung trailed off, his eyes burning. He felt Hyunjin shift behind him and sniffled. “Oh yeah, this is Hyunjin… he insisted on coming.”

“Bang Chan, right?” Hyunjin held his hand out with a warm smile. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Never a good thing to hear on a first meeting.” Chan chuckled and shook Hyunjin’s hand, shocking the younger with how firm yet gentle his hand was.

“Chris, let them in,” Woojin scolded lightly. “I’ll get drinks or something.”

“Ah, it’s alright,” Jisung said quickly. “Don’t worry-”

“You’re in my house,” Woojin cut him off sternly. “I’m a lot of things, but a bad host is not one of them.”

“Ah…” Jisung couldn’t think of how to argue, so he dropped the subject. Woojin understood his surrender and smiled before going to put the kettle on.

“He’s asleep right now,” Chan said, breaking the brief silence. Jisung tensed, causing Hyunjin to tense without knowing why. “He was hungover when he woke up the first time. I didn’t think someone his size could physically hold that much vomit but he definitely proved me wrong.” He chuckled again, wringing his hands as they sat around the kitchen table.

“What happened?” Hyunjin asked, looking between Jisung and Chan.

“What do you know so far?” Chan countered, his sad smile never leaving his face.

“Just that Jisung’s been on edge for a while, and he came to school this morning looking like he was a zombie so I stepped in and told him I wouldn’t tell anyone else as long as he let me help him with whatever this is,” Hyunjin couldn’t bring himself to look Chan in the eye, and he didn’t know why. “Did something happened to Felix? Is that why you’re here?”

“Felix… he-” Chan’s smile finally fell, and the two younger boys could finally see how honestly exhausted the elder was. “Jisung stopped him from killing himself last night. He called us and we’ve been taking care of him since then.”

“Oh god-” Hyunjin didn’t know much about Felix, but despite his bad reputation Felix had been nothing but nice to Hyunjin in their brief interactions. The freckled boy’s bright smile clashing with his dark appearance always struck Hyunjin, making it hard to forget the smaller boy in any way.

“Jisung and Felix used to be best friends,” Chan continued, fiddling with his hands. Hyunjin felt Jisung flinch next to him. “They grew apart a few years ago… Lixie never really told me why…”

“Here, there’s sugar in the little bowl and creamer in here,” Woojin said as he placed a small tray down on the table, complete with tea cups, teapot and creamer container. It was so… domestic that it took Jisung a second to realize the tea was for him. “Don’t worry, Felix will be alright. Once his hangover goes away, he’ll probably be embarrassed, but Chris and I won’t let anything bad happen to him.”

“Hyung… can I ask you something?” Jisung stirred his tea, not looking up.

“Of course Sungie.” Woojin slid into the seat next to Chan’s.

“When I asked you about the clubs in the city, how did you know I was trying to find Felix?”

“I knew you still cared about him,” Woojin smiled warmly. “Even if you had a falling out. Besides, why else would you ask about something so specific?”

“Wait, is that where you went?” Hyunjin asked, shocked. Jisung’s ears turned red as he sipped his tea.

“Yeah, I wanted to make sure he was alright…” He mumbled, not looking anyone in the eye. “Saw him dancing with some tall guy… I wanted to say something but he looked so happy so I just… left.”

“Wait, Felix is gay?” Hyunjin asked, not thinking much of it until Jisung whipped his head around to stare at his friend with wide, terrified eyes.

“You can’t tell anyone!” Jisung hissed, his hands shaking. “No one can know!”

“Alright! I promised you from the start that I wouldn’t tell anyone anything, remember?” Hyunjin held his hands up, noticing that even when Jisung relaxed, his shoulders stayed tense.

“Sorry, I just…”

“It’s a bad situation?” Hyunjin supplied.

“That’s an understatement.”

“So wait, I heard you guys broke up,” Hyunjin turned his attention to Woojin and Chan, who were sitting close to each other. “And that you weren’t on good terms anymore?”

“Who said that?” Woojin asked with a faint smirk.

“It’s been going around the theatre department since it happened,” Jisung chimed in, playing with the spoon from his tea. “They said after Chan hyung left that you were a mess because he dumped you really badly.”

“Is that what they’re saying?” Chan chuckled, causing both the younger boy’s to look shocked.

“Why didn’t you tell me you dumped me?” Woojin reached over and pet the top of Chan’s head lovingly. Chan closed his eyes and leaned into the touch for a moment before laughing.

“Woojin was the one who got me out of conversion therapy,” Chan smiled at Woojin, his eyes sparkling. “He pretended to be my dad and called the place, telling them he wanted to take me somewhere else.”

“He’s been spending most of the time at Changbin’s though, because I’m constantly in and out because of my job,” Woojin continued, their speech melding together perfectly.

“Plus it’s safer for people to not know about us. At least until things settle down and Lix graduates.”

“So you’ve been dating this whole time? And you never told me?” A deep voice came from behind them, making everyone at the table jump.

“Lix-” Chan stood so quickly his chair almost fell. Thankfully Woojin managed to grab it gracefully before it clattered to the ground as Chan rushed over to his brother.

“Hyung,” Felix moved away, and even Jisung could see the look of hurt on the older boy’s face. “I… I would have kept your secret… why didn’t you tell me?”

“Lix, it’s-”

“We… we could have spent more time together if I had known…” Felix’s eyes were filling with tears. “This whole time… I thought you were-”

“I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t want you to be in danger again,” Chan said quickly, pulling his brother into a hug. “You have no idea how much it killed me when Dad hit you… I never wanted you to know what that was like-”

“He hit you?” Jisung gasped, his own eyes stinging more.

“Want some water Lix?” Woojin asked gently, his tone calming everyone down slightly.

“Yes please.” Felix’s voice was quieter, and Jisung could hear how raspy it was. Chan stood but Woojin was already two steps ahead of him, handing Felix a water bottle from the fridge. The younger boy took it with a mumbled thanks and sipped from it, his eyes never really focusing on anything. Jisung wondered if he even knew the other two boys were in the room at all.

“Lix-” Jisung tried to say, only to be cut off.

“Why are you here?” He asked, sounding nothing like the sunshine boy Jisung had known all those years ago.

“I-” Jisung’s stomach dropped

“He wanted to make sure you were okay,” Hyunjin chimed in, noticing how Jisung was struggling to say something. “I’m just here for moral support.”

“Well, I’m fine,” Felix sounded defensive, turning so his back was towards his classmates. “You don’t have to stay.”

“Lix-” Chan frowned at his brother, not wanting to scold him but not liking how cold he was acting towards Jisung and Hyunjin.

“I’m just saying,” Felix sounded dead inside. “We wouldn’t want anyone to find out we were together, do we?”

“Felix-” Jisung tried again, his eyes glittering.

“I’m fine.” his tone was final.

“Lixie-” Chan tried again, but Felix was already walking away.

“I’m tired.” He sounded exhausted, but everyone in the room could tell it wasn’t just due to lack of sleep.

“I’ll wake you up for dinner.” Woojin called after him, just as the door to the spare bedroom closed.

“I’m sorry, he’s been in a mood all day-” Chan turned to Jisung and Hyunjin with a frown.

“It’s alright, I bet he’s feeling like crap,” Jisung offered a small smile in return. “We should probably get going anyway. We have homework and a meeting to prepare for. I just wanted to make sure he…”

“Was alive?” Chan supplied with a humorless chuckle. “I understand. School is important… and even if he doesn’t show it, I know it means a lot to Lix that you came to check on him.”

“I mean, it’s pretty much my fault things got this bad in the first place.” JIsung hadn’t realized he was crying until a hot drop splashed onto his hand.

“It’s not your fault-”

“If I had been there… if I hadn’t abandoned him for- for popularity… if I had been there after you left, or even yesterday… it never would have gotten to this point.”

“I know he still cares about you,” Chan whispered. “If you reached out to him…”

“Isn’t it too late though?” Jisung chuckled once as he scrubbed his face. “Even if I did, why would he want to forgive me? After everything I’ve done? I wouldn’t forgive me if I were him.”

“You’d be surprised.”

“Come on, we really do have homework.” Hyunjin tugged on Jisung’s sleeve, getting the smaller boy to stand.

“I’ll keep you updated,” Chan said, walking them to the door. “Get home safe.”

“We will.” Hyunjin smiled at Chan before turning to lead Jisung to the car. Chan close the door and sighed heavily, his head starting to pound. He walked over to Woojin, who kissed his temple gently and handed him two painkillers, which were quickly swallowed. Chan sighed and went over to Felix’s door.

“I know you’re still awake.” He said, knocking on the door gently.

“I don’t hate them.” Felix’s voice was barely audible through the door.

“I would have been concerned if you did,” Chan smiled a little to himself. “Can I come in?”

“I guess…” Felix cracked the door open, letting the older boy slip in.

“Wanna take a nap?” Chan offered, gesturing towards the unmade bed.

“Don’t you have more important stuff to do?” the younger asked, sniffling softly. Chan noted how red rimmed Felix’s eyes were despite how well his brother was holding back the tears that had been threatening to spill.

“You’re always the most important thing to me,” Chan whispered, steering the smaller boy towards the bed. Felix didn’t protest as his brother pulled him under the covers, cuddling Felix close to him. “No matter what happens, you’ll always be my world.”

“I wanna go to school tomorrow.” Felix whispered sleepily.

“Are you sure Lix? You don’t have to.”

“I need something familiar,” Felix yawned, his breath tickling Chan’s throat. “I want to think about something else.”

“I get that,” Chan’s heart hurt. God, how had he failed Felix so badly? “I’ll drive you in tomorrow. You can shower after dinner if you want, and if you change your mind let me know. I won’t force you. And if you go and want to be picked up early text me and I can be there in ten minutes tops.”

“Thanks Chris.” Felix muttered as he fell asleep. Chan pulled his brother closer, not wanting to let Lix go again. He wanted to protect him from the world.

“Love you Lix.”

Chapter Text

Felix closed his eyes and pretended the whispers didn’t sting. He didn’t know why he wanted to come back so soon, especially after what happened. He thought maybe the normality would make things better, but he should have known better. He should have known how the other students at his school would react to him.

He had taken one of Chris’ hoodies to wear, hoping the older boy’s familiar comfort would be another layer of protection against what the day had in store for him. The extra large, pastel pink hoodie fell almost to his knees, and his hands were completely hidden in the sleeves. He gripped his books harder, ignoring how his eyes stung. He wished he could pull the hood up and hide, but his school didn’t allow anyone to wear hoods or hats.

“Hey! Lix!” Changbin rushed over to the smaller boy, having recognized the hoodie before the person wearing it.

“Sup hyung,” Felix turned, a small smile on his face, only to have the smile instantly fall. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” Changbin was fuming. Felix had been absent the day before, and neither he nor Chan were picking up his calls. He was starting to assume the worst when Chan finally texted him, giving some half-assed explanation about Felix not feeling well and spending the day with him. “Oh I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you just vanished for twenty four hours and never told me anything?”

“Ah, sorry hyung,” Felix wondered if he looked as green as he suddenly felt. He didn’t think he was going to touch a drop of alcohol for a long time after the stunt he pulled. “I guess I just… lost track...”

“Track of what?” Changbin asked, still angry but now getting more worried from the tone of the younger boy’s voice. Felix looked at him, as if he was searching for an answer that neither of them had.

“Myself, I think.” He muttered, tucking his chin into the neckline of the hoodie so his neck and mouth were hidden. The less of him that showed, the safer he felt.

“Wanna skip?” The anger in Changbin’s voice was gone, replaced with something tired.

“More than anything.”

Felix found himself back in the auditorium, wandering the sets of the upcoming musical. He didn’t know what it was - though he was sure if Minho hyung came he would be chattering their ears of about it. The sets were complicated and were more like a fun house than a set, with stairs through them and a different scene on every side.

Changbin was rehearsing a new rap on the stage apron, but Felix could tell the older boy was itching to ask what happened. Felix hopped off the largest set, wondering if he had a sharpie in his bag so that he could write a little message of encouragement somewhere hidden for the actors when the doors were kicked open and a flurry of movement caught his attention.
Minho, Seungmin and Jeongin came rushing down the aisle, not caring about how much noise they were making in their haste.

“Felix!” They shouted, their voices bouncing off the padded walls.

“Hey guys,” Felix walked over to the edge of the stage and squatted before jumping off into the pit. He landed easily and vaulted over the short railing seperating the pit from the seats, going up to the three boys. “What’s the rush for? Miss me that much?”

He had meant it in a teasing way, but the second his feet were on the ground firmly, he was attacked by three sets of arms and frantic chattering.

“Is it true?” Jeongin asked, eyes wide.

“Is what true?” Felix asked back. He was confused, but not unhappy with the sudden embraces.

“The rumors!” Seungmin added, and Felix didn’t like how glassy their eyes were.

“Which ones?” Felix chuckled a little, pushing down the feeling of unease growing in his stomach.

“That you tried to kill yourself, and that’s why you weren’t in school yesterday.” Minho said, his voice level but the redness around his eyes giving away his worry.

Felix felt like he had been punched in the stomach. How… how did anyone know about that? It had just been him and… and…

“Felix?” Changbin asked, sounding heartbroken.

“Who- who did you hear that from?” His voice shook. There was no way Jisung would spread anything, right? But who else would have seen what happened that night? They were alone! There was no one else there!

“Some senior,” Seungmin answered. “He was laughing about it, and was saying that he wanted to push you off but some random asshole came and pulled you back.”

“Did… did they say who the other person was?” Felix felt his blood run cold.

“So it’s true?” Minho’s voice broke.

“Apparently it was too dark to see who it was.” Seungmin answered Felix.

“He said a car pulled up and drove away with you and the person back towards the shitty side of town.” Jeongin was looking up at Felix with scared eyes, and it made the freckled boy’s chest clench.

“Which senior?” Chagbin’s voice was dangerous, and it sent a chill down the spines of the other boys.

“The one that always wears that headband and plays soccer.” Minho spit, sounding like he was mere seconds away from fighting someone.

“That’s all I need to know.” Changbin pushed past them and stormed out of the theater. Felix couldn’t push down the rising feeling of dread as he, Minho, Seungmin and Jeongin raced after him. Just then, the bell rang, signaling class change, and they quickly lost the shorter boy in the halls.

“Shit, where did he go?” Felix muttered, scanning the crowd of students.

“Senior hall, probably.” Minho caught up with him.

“What’s he going to do?” Seungmin asked, tugging on Minho’s sleeve.

“Something stupid.” Felix darted through the river of students, not looking back to see if the other three were keeping up. He knew he had to find Changbin before he did something he would regret, which he absolutely would do.

He heard it before he saw it. Shouts and cheers peppered the hallway, and the dense crowd of students only got denser as Felix approached. His stomach dropped when he recognized the mop of black hair in the center of the ring.

“Hyung!” he called out, shouldering his way into the circle. Changbin and the senior stood facing each other, both wearing matching expressions of anger.

“Stay out of this Lix.” Changbin growled, eyes never leaving the larger boy.

“Huh, surprised you didn’t try offing yourself again.” The other boy grinned menacingly at Felix, who subconsciously took a step back.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Felix was almost surprised at how even his voice was.

“You don’t remember?” He mocked, turning his attention away from Changbin entirely. “I was restocking my stash when I saw you on the edge of that bridge - you know, the one everyone jumps off of. I was about to start cheering you on when some asshole came and pulled you down.”

“So?” Felix whispered, his mind strangely quiet.

“What?”

“Who cares?” Felix looked up and stared the boy in the eyes, a new fire in the gaze. “So what? Who cares if I tried to kill myself? What does it matter to you what I do?”

“I just think it’s funny,” The taller boy grinned dangerously. “And I’m pissed I wasn’t able to see it happen.”

“You’re a sick fuck, you know that?” Felix spat, rage building in his gut.

“And you’re a faggy bitch,” The senior’s grin widened at how Felix paled. “What are you going to do about it, huh? Cry on me? Slit your wrists and get your faggy blood on me? You gonna-”

He didn’t finish his taunt due to Felix’s fist flying through the air and hitting him right on the cheek. Despite the easy six inches he had on Felix, the senior still fell backwards and hit the ground hard.

“You little freak.” He growled, sounding like he was out for murder.

Felix easily dodged the boy’s punch. Felix was angry, yes, but he still had his wits about him. He wasn’t blind with rage, the way the other boy was. The senior swung recklessly, almost hitting a few of the spectators in the process, while Felix and Changbin dodged.

“Ah-” he couldn’t help but cry out as a hit managed to land, knocking the wind out of him and leaving him gasping on the dirty tiles.

“Felix!” Changbin cried, trying to reach his friend. Before he could, the senior punched him too, sending him flying against the lockers. His head hit the metal with a sickening bang, and the crowd roared as he slid to the ground on the other side of the hall from Felix.

The senior laughed again, looking as though he was truly enjoying the fight. He turned back to Felix, who had just managed to get to his feet. Felix felt his face pale - there was no way he could win the fight now. His chest ached with every breath and he was sure he had at least a cracked rib, if not a broken one.

The senior wound back, fist high, only to lurch forward. He spun around, his grin dropping into a scowl when he saw who it was.

“You again?” Jisung sounded almost bored. “I thought I warned you last time.”

“I’m not scared of you.” The senior growled, scrambling to his feet.

“Oh?” Jisung walked to stand next to Felix, who favored his left side. “Big mistake on your part. Remember Lixie?”

“How could I forget?” Felix chuckled, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

He was a little rusty. After all, it had been years since he and Jisung fought like this. Both boys learned to use their small frames to their advantage, one punched while the other disarmed. Jisung went for the stomach as Felix went on the defense, blocking a punch meant for Sung’s nose. The switched, Felix aiming for the back of the senior’s knees as Jisung distracted him by grabbing his hair.

The longer the fight went on, the easier it was for Felix and Jisung to fall back into their routine. They had to fight a lot back in early middle school. Neither boy had much, and children were especially cruel - calling them out on their ragged shoes and second hand clothing and reused backpacks. They learned to defend each other when the bullies came for them, and how to cover the other when things got sticky.

One thing Jisung always regretted was leaving Felix to fend for himself, but he was scared of what would happen if he did anything differently. If he hadn’t distanced himself, he would never have gotten into the student council. He never would be getting college letters at such an early age. He regretted leaving Felix, but he needed to get ahead to support his family. There was nothing he could have done.

But it was different now. Now, he had the power of the student Council. He had at least two schools fighting for him to attend after graduation, which meant he was set for the future. He could help Felix now, knowing his own path was paved.

The senior slammed against the lockers, much like Changbin had, and slid to the ground looking pale.

“We should go.” Felix huffed, his face flushed from the work out.

“Yeah, before the teachers come.” Jisung grinned, wiping some sweat from his forehead. It had always irked him how little the adults seemed to care about fights, but this time Jisung was grateful for it.

“Thanks Sungie,” Felix hesitated, a shy smile on his bruised face. “For helping me out.”

“Of course Lixie,” Jisung smiled back. “I know I fucked up, but I… I want to make up for that. I want things to be like before.”

“Me too.”

“G-good.” Jisung nodded.

“Text me?” Felix turned to Changbin, who was rushing up to them, Minho and the others trailing behind him closely.

“Of course.”

“Cool.”

“Cool.”

Felix grinned as he jogged over to his other friends, sending a wave over his shoulder.

“You can’t do that!” A freshman girl hissed, eyeing her friend with horror. “Didn’t you hear what happened last time?”

“What?” Her friend asked, raising his eye brow.

“Turns out, Lee Felix is friends with Han Jisung! You can’t pick a fight with one without the others coming too.”

“So? Why should I care? I could take both of them.”

“They’re the ones that sent that senior to the hospital last month,” She narrowed her eyes. She knew her friend was an idiot, but not this much of an idiot. “They’d kick your ass before anyone even saw.”

“Wait, that was them?” His face paled a little. Of course he knew about the infamous fight the month prior. The senior had been sent to the hospital and promptly suspended, unable to walk at graduation that spring, but no one ever officially found the other part of the fight. The student body seemed to know who it was, but no one dared snitch on them to the teachers.

Besides, who would believe that scrawny little Lee Felix and Student Council President Han Jisung worked TOGETHER to beat the absolute shit out of someone twice their size?

Jisung snickered as he walked past the two students, who hadn’t noticed his presence. He managed to walk past completely, turning the corner with a smile. It was more fun now, to listen to the whispers.

Every week there seemed to be a new detail about the fight. One week it was that Felix brought a knife. The next was that it wasn’t Felix and Jisung at all, but that Bang Chan who snuck back into the school to defend his brother. The week after was that there never was a fight, and that it was all a conspiracy to cover up the senior being arrested for something awful and illegal.

They all made Jisung laugh, and he found himself looking forward to whatever bullshit rumor was going to spread next.

“Hey Sungie!” Felix called over with a bright smile. He was wearing black boots, black jeans, his usual piercings and a light yellow sweater. Jisung thought the combination of his past style and current aesthetic was oddly… cute.

“We still on for lunch?” Jisung asked, falling into step next to his friend.

“Of course,” Felix checked his phone before turning back to Jisung. “Minho hyung wanted us to help him with his monologue, remember?”

“He’s had it down for a week now,” Jisung grumbled a little. “Why does he need our help?”

“Because he knows we won’t sugar coat it if he sucks.”

“True.”

“He’s lucky to have us.” Felix grinned, his eyes lighting up.

“Shit, I have to meet Hyunjin before lab,” Jisung realized it was Friday - the one day a week he had an extra long biology lab. “See you later.”

“See ya!” Felix chirped happily, already turning to meet Changbin.

After the fight, no one bothered Felix anymore. All of the sneers and snickers and feet stuck out at just the right time to trip him had vanished seemingly overnight. Maybe it was because now the whole school knew he and Jisung were friends, and that if you picked on one you were picking on the other as well.

Felix smiled to himself, his eyes turning up. He hadn’t realized how much he missed Jisung before the fight. Sure, he missed his friend, but he was too focused on being angry at him and surviving school and his brother to really think about it.

“Lix! Over here!” Changbin called from behind the wall in the courtyard. Thankfully they had the same study hall period, so no one cared that they snuck out.

“Mind if I bum a cigarette off you hyung?” Felix asked, leaning against their usual wall.

“I thought you and Chan hyung were quitting together.” Changbin accused, holding out the pack regardless. Felix took one with a grin and lit it with Changbin’s lighter.

“We are, but sometimes you just have to, you know?” He drew in a breath, letting the familiar burn bite at the back of his throat.

“That’s called addiction Lix.”

“Yeah, yeah, are you my hyung or my mom?” Felix stuck his tongue out, earning a smack to the back of the head.

“Shut up you brat,” Changbin snuffed his own cigarette on the wall and tucked the butt back into the box, between the silver lining and the cardboard. He might be a delinquent, but he wasn’t about to litter. “You nervous about tonight? Is that what’s got your panties in a twist?”

“First of all, how did you know I was wearing panties?” Felix winked greasily at the older boy, earning another smack. “And yeah, probably. I just… this is a big step, you know? And I’m worried things will… go wrong.”

“They’re our friends,” Changbin said softly. It made Felix’s chest warm to hear Changbin refer to them as ‘their’ friends. “They’re not going to judge us for anything. Besides, if we didn’t let Minho hyung come to one of our shows before the end of the year, he would bite my head off.”

“Don’t you think Jeongin in a little young to be going to a bar though?” Felix worried, flicking the ash onto the grass in a practiced movement.

“He’ll be fine,” Changbin reassured him easily. “He’ll be with Woojin hyung and the others. Besides, if we should worry about anyone tonight, it’s going to be Minho hyung. Last time we all got together and drank at Woojin hyung’s apartment, he tried to literally get into Jisung’s pants.”

Felix snickered at the memory of Minho trying to fit both his legs in one pant leg and Jisung’s in the other to see if they could walk around wearing the same pair of sweatpants. They ended up falling and cackling on the floor for almost ten minutes, and Jisung almost passing out from lack of air - because he had been laughing too hard.

He was glad he got it on camera.

“That’s true,” he took the final drag of his cigarette and snuffed it out before releasing the breath. Changbin took the butt like clockwork and stuck it in the case like he had with his own. “I wonder if Mingi will be there tonight.”

“You could always text him you know,” Changbin raised an eyebrow, his new piercing glinting in the light. “I’m sure he’d love to hear from you.”

“It’s been so long though,” Felix couldn’t help but pout. “Here, if he’s there tonight I’ll take it as a sign to be more serious.”

“You still moving in with Woojin hyung and Chan hyung?”

“Yeah, my parents don’t know yet, but I’ve started bringing my shit over a little at a time,” Felix wished he could have another cigarette. The whole thing was making him stressed beyond belief, but it was going to be worth it in the end. “I’m hoping to fully move in when my parents are on vacation next month.”

“They do this every year, but it still drives me insane that they’d leave their kid behind when they go on vacation.” Changbin grumbled, digging a hole in the dirt with the toe of his boot.

“They go for a whole month, and our break for winter is only two weeks,” Felix reasoned. It’s not like he cared, really. In fact, the month his parents left were always his favorite, but he could see why Changbin was concerned. “Plus, we can go crazy go stupid. The whole house will be empty except for me.”

“We always throw the best parties when they’re gone.” Changbin closed his eyes and nodded sagely.

“Come on, we should get inside,” Felix laughed and tugged Changbin towards the school again. “There’s still some time before study hall ends and I want to bother Seungmin and Jeongin.”

“You’re such a bad influence on me.” Changbin put the back of his hand against his forehead dramatically as he let Felix pull him around.

“As it should be.”

Felix grinned, making plans for that night and for the rest of the year - of things for their whole group to do together. All nine of them, like the family they were.