Archive of Our Own ^beta

Staring down at his sketchbook, Tenn blinks back another wave of fresh tears.

It’s late. The dorms are quiet, save for the whistling wind and rustling leaves outside his window. Moonlight spills in through the broken glass, casting long shadows of the hovering pencil in his hand across the empty page.

Although he went to bed hours ago, in an increasingly frequent turn of events, he remains wide awake.

He’s afraid to close his eyes, to go to sleep. He knows what might come if he does.

Nightmares. Rather, one nightmare in particular that likes to repeat itself on a seemingly endless loop, haunting the unconscious part of his brain where he can’t fight the bad thoughts away like he tries his best to do during the day.

Minnie. The bridge. The walkers.

Violet.

Don’t be afraid. That’s what the song always said, to brush away the sorrow, brush away the tears. At least, that was back when those lyrics used to bring him comfort. Now, all they do is feed into the horrible memories that transpired the night everything changed.

The night he’d changed forever.

Gone was that innocent, delusional boy. The mindset that helped him make it through this world, to cope with the loss of his sisters, is the very reason that Violet is dead.

It’s all his fault.

Tenn can no longer go to sleep without fear, woken too many times by the same, plaguing dream as if to make sure he never forgets what happened.

Even as he closes his eyes now, he can see it as clear as day. Minnie’s crystalline eyes, shrouded by impending death, so unlike the ones he’d previously known only one short year ago. He wonders if they looked the same to Sophie when she died.

When she was murdered.

She tried to take him with her, too, and more times than not, he wishes she had. Then, Violet would still be alive, Clementine wouldn’t have to grieve, and AJ could finally stop looking at him with repressed blame even though he’s told him he’s been forgiven.

Why couldn’t he have just listened? Jumped across the gap when he’d first been told to, joined the others on the way back home instead of pathetically reaching out for the memory of a sister who simply wasn’t there anymore.

“I know that looks like her, but your sister is gone.”

Clementine was right. The Minnie he knew was already dead, though his eyes were blinded by what he wanted to see. The same, kind hearted girl he remembers, who liked to sing and make everyone feel better whenever they were sad. He couldn’t accept that she was gone, not when she was standing right there in front of him. It seemed impossible, that somebody could change so much to a point where they were no longer the person they were once before.

Sometimes, in those nightmares, he lets her take him. And for once, it feels more like a peaceful dream, to walk with her to heaven, to see the rest of their family again. It’s what she promised him, and even if it was all a lie, for that fleeting moment, all the bad things melt away to be replaced with a sense of paradise he knows may never be real.

It isn’t always that simple, however. For other times, the nightmare stays a nightmare, Minnie’s face twisting into something far more sinister to erase all remaining familiarity. Her eyes are cold, an impossible shade of blue that seem to glow menacingly in the dark of night.

Taking in a shaky breath, Tenn places the led of his pencil against the paper.

He draws those frightening eyes. He doesn't stop until the page is full.