Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Hey, Shayne, if you find anything you like, let me know,” Damien reminded me as he walked off to his favorite section. Clothes. New clothes. Men’s clothes. My clothes. They’re all synonyms, and yet, antonyms. Men’s clothes. I scan the patterned button-down shirts. There’s a turquoise one with watermelon slices on it. Noice. And an ivory one with vertical mustard-colored stripes. A lot of the clothes before me remind me of Courtney. And if it weren’t for Damien, she’d be here too. Which wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing, she’s just so… energetic. And happy. Which is always a good thing, but she’d probably get too wrapped up in me and shopping to really be her happy, funny, friendly self. I don’t know anymore. I grab the two shirts I saw and Damien walks over with a t-shirt probably from some anime he’s seen. He grins when he sees my choices. “Aren’t you glad we didn’t go to, like, Hot Topic or something?” We chuckle.

“Yeah. I’m thinking jeans with these? Khakis?” He nods enthusiastically. He’s such a great designer. He leads me to the bottoms section and we go straight to the jeans.

“Okay, I like dark jeans with yellow colors and I think darker ones would go best with the watermelon shirt too, but it’s up to you. Torn or no?” He holds up two of the same dark jeans, one with holes and tears and one without. I hum in thought.

“It depends. On the outfit,” I add. “And probably my mood.” Torn like my soul. 

“Yeah, I understand. Won’t it be great to not have to wear my clothes?” He grins. I can’t help but return the expression.

“Oh yeah.” But I’m not just leaving the clothes and makeup and jewelry behind. I’m leaving my old self. The person I wasn’t meant to be. I’m becoming who I am, who I am meant to be.  

“Shayne?”

“Hm?”

“You got lost in thought. Do you want to try these on to find your size?” I huffed. Size. Top. Shirt size. Bust size. Trying on. 

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Okay. I’ll get a medium, large, and small. I’m sure you’re one of the three.” We went to the dressing rooms. Damien went in with me, he’s seen me change before. I pull off the white t-shirt he loaned me to reveal my chest binder. Tears prick my eyes but I blink them away. This is the first step.  

“Damien?”

“Yeah?” He looks up at me and his chocolate eyes sparkle. I take a deep breath. For the best.  

“I want to get top surgery.” He beams.

“I support you.” I let the tears fall and he opened his arms for me to cuddle with him. I sit on his lap and we hugged as he rocked me back and forth.

“Thank you,” I whispered. 

“Anything.” He ran his fingers through my messy hair. “Ready to try these on?” I nodded and wiped away the tears, wondering if they were tears of joy that Damien is proud of me or if they were tears of sadness of being born who I am.

“Yeah.” So I put on the watermelon shirt and modeled it for Damien, who chuckled and clapped. 

“The colors look stunning with your hair and eyes.” I squeezed his hand and he passed me the next shirt. He loved it just as much as the first one. Then the two pairs of dark blue jeans and a pair of khakis Damien had grabbed before we came. They fit nice too. “Anything else you want to look at?” 

“No, I like wearing your clothes, so I’ll stick with these for now.” He giggled. 

“Okay, whatever you say, Shayné.” I smiled at the mispronunciation of my new-ish name. “You look beautiful in everything you wear.” I can feel the blood rising to my cheeks.

“I try.”

“Come on, let’s go meet Courtney at In ‘n’ Out.”

“You know me too well,” I noticed as I nudged his arm. “We gotta pay first.”

“Well duh!” He exclaimed as he put the sizes that didn’t fit on the rack by the exit. We walked to the cashier and our hands brushed. My cheeks started to burn a bit and he slipped his warm, empty and into mine. I glanced up at him and he was looking straight forward, smiling beautifully. His cheeks were a teensy bit pink as well. I pull my wallet out and he looks down to shove it back into my pocket. “On me.”

“But-”

“Me,” he repeated firmly. He’s so stubborn.  

“What about the In ‘n’ Out?”

“Courtney.”

“Courtney,” I agreed. “Then I can plan my surgery.”

“And I’ll be there every step of the way.”

“Thanks.”

“Of course. Anything for you.” I looked away to hide the blush and hoped he didn’t see it. I think he did.

Chapter Text

I don’t realize I’m awake until I catch myself looking at my trash bag of ‘old things’ in the corner by my closet. My old makeup, girl clothes, everything that trapped and restrained me. My eyes sting so I close my eyes and duck my head, even though there’s no one there. I shove my face into my covers.

“No.” I try so hard, but I can’t control it. In my mind, I see me and my BFF Courtney, back when I was someone else. “No.” I see the picture of my mom, holding her newborn ‘beautiful baby girl’. “No.” The room is dark, the only light coming from the full moon outside the covered window. It reminds me of the night when I kissed my first boyfriend, my straight boyfriend, when we were in middle school. We snuck out, and under the pale moonlight, everything felt alright, like everything would be fine. Straight. “No.” Never. Nothing is ever alright. Nothing is ever fine. Straight. No. Nothing.

----

“Hey, beautiful.” I blink at the golden rays of sunshine filing in from around the curtains over the window. The handsome brunette standing in my doorway, wearing that darling smile of his. Mine. My eyes must still be dry and puffy from crying myself to sleep last night. He must notice that; his smile fades and he kicks off his shoes to join me in my bed. His warm arms close around me and I shed a few more tears. “Hush, there’s no need to cry. Don’t worry, I’m right here,” he whispers in my ear. The thought is reassuring, but also melancholy. Why would someone care so much about me? My own voice in my head echoes. Me? Me? As if he could read my mind, he looks back at my ‘old things’. “I figured it’s time to burn them.” I nod as best as I can in his tight embrace. “Why worry? You left it behind you. The future is bright. Just like your smile. Just like your eyes.” We make eye contact and freeze there. His are like caramel, but with the opposite effect. I’m the one who melts. “Right?” I lock up.

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Do you know any word other than no?” I open my mouth to say, you guessed it, no, but he puts his finger against my lips and I obey. “You know so many words that describe you. You know the word beautiful? You. Hilarious? You. Unique? You. Special? You. My soulmate? You. There’s at least one other word you know. A very important one that will answer all my questions. Do you know the word?” I nod slowly. Can I say it? I’m not. Beautiful. Hilarious. Unique. Special. His soulmate. The person I am in his dreams. Not the person I am. Not the person he wants. Not the person he deserves. “Say it,” he commands, and I can’t resist Damien. I duck my head and look at our locked fingers.

“Yes,” I breathe.

“Louder. Say it like you mean it.”

“What if I don’t?”

“Make yourself believe. I believe it. Why shouldn’t you?” He tilts my chin up to look into his eyes. Beautiful. Someone I’ll never be. 

“I don’t believe lies.”

“Then make it the truth.”

“But it’s a lie.” I can read his face. ‘So funny. So stubborn. My baby boi.’ He grins ever so slightly.

“Any lie can become a truth with a little bending. Do you know what to say?” I nod. “Do you mean it this time?” I nod again. He’s so determined to make me see myself the way he sees me. I can’t. Blindness can’t be cured. One of Courtney’s quotes echoes in my head. ‘ But a cloth and a pair of glasses are the first steps.’ Then another one. ‘ But you can cure a broken heart. You know how? You use a whole one. And you merge them.’

“Yes,” I grumble. He beams at me. ‘My baby boi.’ I try to roll over to hid my face, but he has a firm grip on my shoulders. 

“My turn to say it,” he snickers, “no.” And the kiss is wonderful. “No matter who you are Shayne, I care about you. You make all your own decisions. But I’m here to give you a different perspective.”

“Unconditional love.”

“Yes. And of all the people in the world, there’s only one person for me.”

“Oh?” I ask sarcastically.

“Yes. And it’s a he.”

“Oh?” I just layer the sarcasm on.

“And his name is Shayne Topp.” I blush profusely. “And I love him so much, I can’t put it into words. So much, that even if Valentine’s Day was every day of the year, it wouldn’t be enough. And even if Shayne is blind when it comes to my feelings, I’m not.” He pauses and watched me as I stare blankly at his forehead. “I love you, Shayne.”

“I love you too.” And the day starts with a kiss.

Chapter Text

I awoke feeling cold and alone. 

Sure, I had the covers over me, yes, I was wearing clothes, but there was a loss of contact. I turned my head ever so slightly so that out of the corner of my eye, I could see a familiar silhouette facing away from me.

He was sitting up, slouching, his head bowed. He made no sound at all. Just looking down the other way.

It was still dark, the only light in the small apartment bedroom coming from behind the curtains, turning the room a dark shade of blue. The exact shade of Damien’s hair. Well, the part that wasn’t naturally brown.

I turned back around to look at the glowing red digital clock on my nightstand. 3:24. What is he doing up at almost 3:30? What am I doing up at almost 3:30? Why is he sitting up? What’s he doing? A million thoughts swarmed my head.

I’ve learned that in these situations, it’s best to just shut them out.

I squeezed my eyes closed and inhaled through my nose, waiting for my mind to sort itself out.

Then I sat up.

I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, sitting like Damien, but facing the other way with better posture. 

I heard movement. You know, the sound of fabric rubbing against fabric.

He sat next to me but didn’t touch me. There was a small gap between us. He didn’t look at me. 

Something was wrong.

“Why are you up so early?” He asked, still not facing me. His striped socks seemed to be the most interesting thing to him at the moment.

“I could ask the same of you,” I replied, keeping my voice even. I didn’t want to sound too concerned, who knows why. I wanted to be normal. Who knows if I ever have been.

“I- couldn’t sleep. Something… something’s wrong.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” He shifted uncomfortably. I knew he didn’t, but he shares everything even if he doesn’t want to because he knows it’s for the best.

“Something… that something… being me… isn’t right.”

“You’re always right.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever been right.” The lack of eye contact was driving me insane. 

“Look at me,” I begged as I tilted his chin toward me. His big, beautiful brown eyes were watery but not red. The tears threatened to spill over.

“Shayne, what was it like… before… before you became… Shayne?” He blinked and a single drop slipped free. I wiped it away, my own face betraying me as I too shed a tear.

“It was… wrong. I wasn’t right.” I realized I was saying exactly what he had been saying. “I felt like I had taken the wrong path or gotten off on the wrong bus stop, but it wasn’t my fault. Like someone else had gotten to choose my future for me, but… they fucked up. They chose… wrong.” Damien nodded. 

I put a hand on his knee. His pale, now bluish cheeks were shiny and wet. “Why?”

“It’s exactly… exactly like you said. Someone else is making my decisions. I don’t… I’m not… me. And I’m not… I’m not… I’m not a woman either.” I nodded. “I think… I don’t… my gender is… not in the binary…” he told me slowly. “I’m tired of ‘he’-s and ‘her’-s and… they. They is right for me.”

“They and them.”

“They and them.”

They finally smiled. It was a sad but grateful smile.

They laced their fingers with mine.

“I still love you… you got a new name or?” They thought.

“I still feel… comfortable in my name… I don’t… like, associate with the male gender… I like Damien. It’s still me.”

I squeezed their hand.

“And you know what? You’re perfect, Damien.”

“Still?” I nodded.

“I love you.” They grinned and nodded. “Too speechless to return the confession?” They nodded again.

“At least there’s nothing wrong anymore.”

Right.