Chapter Text
It wasn’t great. She wasn’t proud of herself. She was preoccupied. It was dangerous. It was someone she had never wanted to be. She found herself constantly half out a conversation before it had even begun and everyone had started to notice. Yaz had been first to see that it was a prolonged thing and not just a bit of an emotional hangover after everything with the Master. Usually their other-worldly visits went one of two ways, either they all stuck together as a group, as a four, got up to a little mischief, a little saving a species, a little solar-bathing in an intergalactic spa (thoroughly vetted for signs of Orphan Planet exploitation), or they split. Graham and Ryan would head on their way to something a bit more relaxing, a very specific kind of common Earth-tourist sightseeing, while her and Yaz scouted out something a little more upbeat. Yaz had the questions, the curiosity and the energy that sometimes matched the Doctor’s own, growing in excitement when she did. The Doctor loved a curious creature, and a chance to show off some rapid-fire knowledge every now and then.
But that hadn’t happened in a while, once the Doctor had let herself have a quick trip back to the TARDIS that one time with a little white lie of just having to check something, she couldn't seem to stop herself from doing it again. And again. Yaz had noticed first and then the others had soon followed. This whole thing, it was eating her up inside though, she felt almost a kind of addiction to the search, hunt, to the checking, making sure he wasn't out there. She found herself never quite believing, when she jolted back up to the sound of a door creaking open and grabbed whatever tool lay nearby to pretend to weld or screw, that she hadn’t just missed him. She was scared, she was angry, she had so many questions and she constantly felt herself on the precipice of something, something very much from within, and she was equally scared of finding out what was waiting to be unearthed, untethered there.
Yaz hadn’t thought much of it to begin with, of course when the Doctor suddenly announced that she had forgotten to check something on the TARDIS that needed seeing to right away her first instinct had been to offer a hand. She was always wanting to learn more about that magical, incomprehensible machine, and a little calm one on one time with the Doctor was never something she was going to pass up. But as she had turned to suggest that very plan she found the Doctor already scampering back into the forest of whatever planet they had been on, disappearing into the deep purple trees before she could open her mouth. Must’ve been important.
The night before they visited a future colony of some strange water-like creatures Yaz had been unable to sleep. The TARDIS had been making all sorts of non-usual rumblings, funny, she had thought, that she was able to recognise that now. A little proud smile slipped by. She made her way to the console room, wondering if the Doctor wasn’t about, whether someone should be paying attention to these strange sounds. She stopped short just before the stairs as she caught sight of the Doctor. She was over to her left, almost unnoticeable, and as small as she could make herself it seemed. She was on the floor, leaning against the pillar, knees drawn up, head burrowed into her crossed arms atop them. She might have looked peaceful at first glance, if it hadn't been for the clenched fist of one hand and the angry, panicked tapping of the sonic on her arm from the other.
Yaz wasn’t sure if she should interrupt. The Doctor’s temper had been getting worse and worse and her eyes seemed to be drooping more each day, that bright wide-eyed childish excitement had all but disappeared, it was concerning Yaz no end. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t anxious. She was getting glimpses of that anger coming to a head and she was smart enough to know that when it boiled over, because there was no doubt it would, it was likely she’d get scalded too.
In the end it was her concern that won out and she had softly made herself known.
“Doctor?” she cautiously called across, beginning to make her way down the steps. The Doctor’s head snapped up almost violently.
“Yaz!” she took a second to right the shock in her face, “What are you doing up?”
As the Doctor hadn’t instantly made a move to stand Yaz took a spot at the pillar opposite and sat herself down too.
“Couldn’t sleep, the TARDIS was sounding a little… off, I guess. Wanted to make sure everything was alright.” Yaz followed the almost-question with a soft smile.
“Ah, right.” was the mumbled reply. No further comments came from the Doctor so Yaz continued, breaking the silence just before it settled in around them.
“Is everything alright?”, it was obvious she wasn’t talking about the ship this time.
A pause. More eye contact than Yaz had got from the Doctor in a while.
A cautious intake of breath.
A fake smile.
“Yeah, course! Old gal is just being a bit uncooperative is all!”, the air grumbled in response, “wearing me out, all these faults and fixing”, the Doctor lifted herself up into a stretch, standing above Yaz, she reached out a hand, bringing her to her feet too, “but anyway, no time for rest when I’ve got to get her ready to go, we’ve got so many things to see ‘ey! Wait till I tell you about where we’re headed tomorrow…”
And that had been that, Yaz had given the Doctor a fake smile in return with a little reassurance tucked behind the eyes to let her know she’d be there when she was ready. For the moment she let herself relish in just a glimmer of truth in the excitement behind the Doctor’s voice as she told her anecdote after anecdote of these aqua people she was so looking forward to her meeting. That and the fact that as she walked Yaz back through the halls to her bedroom telling her she needed sleep with all the swimming she’d have to do tomorrow, she hadn’t yet let go of her hand.
It would have maybe been alright for a little while longer if the Doctor, after all the optimism and hype she’d built up in Yaz the night before, hadn’t bailed on the whole thing before they’d even left the ship the next morning. Yaz couldn’t help the frustrated sigh and shake of her head as she walked past the Doctor, not meeting her eyes, not believing even for a second the lie of an unstable energy alert somewhere she unconvincingly told them she was ‘really sorry no humans could go, but it’ll only take an hour!’ and she’d be ‘back before you know it!’ She’d not been good company to Ryan and Graham the rest of that day. Despite the beauty that lay before her; water that at first glance looked to be filled with actual stardust, and maybe it was, she couldn't help but vibrate a little in that slowly growing resentment she had toward the Doctor’s actions, it felt like it was getting more personal. She didn’t like that. Especially when she found she could barely laugh along with Ryan as Graham slathered on some local sunblock and turned a fantastic shade of blue in response, no she didn’t like that at all.
The Doctor knew she was doing wrong, knew it was affecting morale, and more drastically, simply her relationships with the team, the trust they had in her. When Yaz had returned and not so much as greeted her, she knew something bad was bound to happen soon, she felt like she should do something about it, but…
The Doctor managed to make it through the next two trips, they stuck together as a team, but then she didn’t seem to be able to help herself, temporarily abandoning her companions on the next three explorations after that. There was a tense atmosphere on the ship most of the time these days. Yaz hadn’t really had a heart to heart with the Doctor since her attempt the other night, she had barely had a conversation. After that very first attempt at commenting on her mood and receiving the brisk response of ‘my mood’s fine’ in a tone she’d never had directed at her before, she’d been more cautious. The other night had been her first foray into trying again. She wasn’t sure if she should make another attempt.
A few nights later Yaz found herself unable to sleep once again, her body was dead tired from the events of the day and she wanted nothing more but to curl up and let every muscle slip into relaxation but her humming mind wouldn’t even let her consider it. It’d been a tough day, her, Ryan and Graham had ended up in a bit of a sticky situation, not knowing the polite customs of a planet lightyears and lightyears away from your home will do that to you. They had obviously been without the Doctor, which hadn’t helped matters, no tour guide to give the pre-emptive warning to them, and no one to shove some psychic paper in the face of an official representative with a spiel still forming as it was said aloud to get them out of whatever accident they'd wandered into. There had been some of the harshest words she’d heard in a while, cells and interrogations nicely coupled with a little bit of violence, and Yaz had tried, she had tried really hard.
She passed by the entrance to the console room on her way to make a cup of tea and instinctively paused in the doorway for a second as she watched the Doctor float around the room, checking things on various screens every now and then and pushing a button or two. She was aware she was gazing in a forlorn longing type of way, but she felt so distant from that beautiful person nowadays so she comforted herself with the fact that at least it was an honest look to have. Ryan had filled the Doctor in on the day’s events and to her credit she had apologised repeatedly, shocked and saddened and almost on her way out the door to give all involved a piece of her mind. Yaz had definitely seen flashes of guilt and self hatred behind her eyes. Police training had done some good for her, she was adept at spotting liars and those hiding something, though sometimes, like this time, she’d maybe wish she was a little more oblivious, selfishly she’d be enjoying herself more if she was. Yaz had quickly excused herself after the run down of the day, somewhat feigning tiredness, she was exhausted but…
As Yaz stood in the doorway later that night she watched the Doctor first sense her presence then turn to find her.
“Yaz.” the Doctor all but whispered, “Uh-um,” she stuttered, “are you okay?”
Yaz hadn’t been banking on a conversation, she wasn’t sure what to say. The Doctor was nervously asking a layered question. About the day? Because she wasn’t asleep? In general?
“Yeah, I’m alright, just a tough day is all.” she folded into herself a little, her shoulders rising in protection as she picked at her nails; an anxious tell before she found herself admitting, “I- I just didn’t really realise how much I hate feeling so helpless, how much I hate being so out of control. Just, been feeling a lot of that lately, everything with the Kasaavin and Tesla, there’s just been a lot of being alone, separated. I know we were all, well, us three were together this time, but, I don’t know…” she paused before taking the risk, “It didn’t use to feel like this…”
She had been granted access to eye contact with the Doctor throughout this speech she didn’t know she was going to give. (She didn’t even really know she truly felt that way herself.) The Doctor’s face had cycled through a whole lot of emotions throughout her confession, shock and guilt and sadness and you could almost sense a little hopefulness drifting out of the room, dispersing into space. Yaz felt a bit of guilt nagging at the back of her mind, she didn’t want to place blame, even though it was more than warranted, she never wanted the Doctor to feel sad, or upset, or any sort of negative way toward herself. And she was well aware that that was the paradox at the centre of this situation they had ended up in; to help the Doctor not feel that way she had to make the Doctor feel that way. To get to the source of the sadness that had overtaken her Yaz had to fight against her instincts and call the Doctor out on her actions that were manifesting because of whatever else was going on, even if that made her feel worse. The Doctor maybe should have expected the strange shiver of panic that passed through her the moment Yaz finished what she was saying, but somehow it still took her by surprise, all of this was taking her by surprise. How blind was she being, how much had she lost herself. She couldn't lose Yaz. Well, she could, she wasn’t the one who could make that choice, that was all Yaz’s, just as it had been for those before her. But did she want to lose her, of course not, especially like this, because of her choices specifically, how could she ever come back from that…
“Yaz. I-I’m so sorry. I should've been there. Ryan said you were amazing and determined and strong, but you shouldn’t have had to be.” The Doctor’s voice was quiet and shy, hinting at undertones of anger, but it wasn’t directed toward Yaz.
“Yeah.” Yaz could just about manage in response, feeling a little prick of tears behind her eyes.
“Ryan mentioned they were a bit um.. violent? Did they- are you okay?” The Doctor seemed to struggle to ask but seriously needed to know.
“Uh, yeah, couple of scrapes, nothing major.”
“Can I see?” The Doctor asked, then seemingly judging herself a little rapid and desperate in her questioning she righted herself and added “If that’s okay, you don’t have t—“
“No, it’s fine.” Yaz interrupted and started heading down the stairs, the Doctor carefully but quickly met her half way up, standing a couple of steps below. Yaz pushed up her sleeves to show the Doctor the marks on her arms from the strange cuffs and interrogation device they’d used. Tiny metal spikes had jutted out from the handcuffs, scratching up her wrists a bit, and the needle from interrogation had left a bloody mark on the inside of her elbow. The Doctor carefully took her hands in hers, examining the damage, absentmindedly finding herself running her thumbs over her wrists, just below where the cuts and newly blooming bruises were. The Doctor looked up at her, nothing but gentleness and care in her eyes, her jaw tense and brow drawn tight. She let go of one of her wrists noticing, now she was standing closer to Yaz, the slowly purpling mark above her cheekbone. Yaz had been a little rowdy, resulting in a particularly easy to aggravate guard using his fist to quiet her down. It hadn’t worked, much to his annoyance, it had only served to make Yaz louder, and angrier. She would almost feel a little proud of it, if it hadn't been so terrifying in the moment. The Doctor reached up toward her face, brushing the back of her knuckles gently over her cheek, this light touch, the caution and tenderness behind it sending a shiver up the back of Yaz's neck. Her next breath caught in her throat and it seemed to shock the Doctor out of this state. She quickly withdrew her hand and fumbled about for her sonic, messily giving Yaz the once over with it.
“All looks good on here, no infection, only a trace of whatever serum they used still in your system, should be gone by morning.” The Doctor informed her, head bowed to the sonic reading, no longer meeting her eyes.
Well, Yaz supposed, that made the overly honest speech she had just given make a little more sense, some kind of truth serum had been used she guessed. It made her feel a little less worried about her out of sorts declaration and strangely a little more confident about the fact that she could do it again if needed, now she’d taken this first step, even if it was with a little help apparently. The Doctor on the other hand wasn’t comforted, it meant honesty, it meant that Yaz wasn’t okay here, that she wasn’t feeling the buzz of excitement she did when she had first started travelling with her. The Doctor knew she had never promised safety, in fact she had adamantly made sure everyone on board knew that she seriously couldn't guarantee that. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t holding herself to a different set of rules, a different moral code. And someone hurting Yaz, in any way, but seeing that bruise, the force and violence that must have been behind that fist, it was almost too much for her to take.
“Ok” Yaz managed to speak into the silence that had gotten a little tense. “Thanks.”
A monitor started beeping from behind them. It made them both jump and the Doctor made a move to go check but stopped herself and looked back up toward Yaz again.
“I’m gonna try harder Yaz, there’s stuff— but, I’m sorry, I’ve not been acting okay to you all. I promise I’ll try” she stated, quiet but determined. Another set of beeping joined the first as Yaz nodded and the Doctor took that as permission for her to turn and go and Yaz did too.