Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

They were taking a vacation on Earth because, you know, they deserve it. Hey, saving the entire Galaxy is a lot of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears. So yes Garrus (and the rest of the non-human crew) was very excited to see the birth planet of his human friends. When they landed they were greeted by shouts and camera flashes. There were so many people trying to get to them the security was having trouble keeping them away. Before anyone actually made it to them despite the walls and Krogan-sized security agents Shepard took out her gun and shot a few warning shots. It was dead silence.

“You have exactly thirty seconds to clear out before I start shooting people.” It took everyone exactly twelve seconds to clear out even the security, yes he counted. He couldn’t believe this was his captain. “Garrus, I don’t have the patience for these vultures.” Did she have to use violence to solve everything? Violence couldn’t solve all her problems. “If violence isn’t solving all your problems you simply aren’t using enough of it.” Famous last words, he will have them engraved on her headstone. “I don’t understand why you are complaining, that is how we got rid of the reapers after all.” Point made, he should also stop thinking out loud. “Nah continue, we are all enjoying it.”

The rooms they got were wonderful. Each crew member got their own room. The rooms each had a gigantic bed, a bar, a luxurious bathroom, and a scenic view. So like any other Galaxy saving heroes they spent the first day sleeping. The next morning they all met up in Joker’s room and ordered pretty much everything on the menu. Well, Shepard did, the rest of them ordered one dish each. “Hey, it isn’t my fault they gave us an unlimited card.” The Earth’s government probably didn’t realize how much Shepard could spend in one day.

After that enormous breakfast which ended with Shepard, Grunt, Wrex, and surprisingly Liara having an eating contest which Liara won, they all went down to the pool. No not everyone was swimming no matter how much Shepard tried to make them.

“I already told you Shepard turians don’t float. We sink like rocks.”

“Well then use this floaty.”

“I am not wearing that yellow abomination Shepard.”

It took exactly twenty minutes for the worst words in the world to leave Shepard’s mouth.

“I am bored,” Garrus will come to hate and fear these words when they come from a human. When a human utters those dreaded words run for the hills because something VERY stupid and dangerous is about to happen.

“This is too dull, let’s do something fun and exciting,” another sentence you don’t want to hear a human use.

“We could go drink ourselves stupid,” was Kaidan’s dumb idea.

“Nah we’ll save that for tonight.”

“How about skydiving?” Was Ashley’s idea.

“Brilliant, let’s go.”

“Nah, I think I’ll pass glass bones and all that.”

“Come on Joker you can pair up with Miranda. She’s a biotic so even if something goes wrong you’ll have a smooth landing.”

“You fine with that?”

“I don’t mind.”

“Let’s go.”

“Wait what is skydiving?”

“… You’ll see Garrus, you’ll see,” he really should have insisted on an explanation beforehand.

•─────⋅ᓚᘏᗢ⋅─────•

“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN WE JUMP?!?!” Was the calmly asked question by every single non-human crew member, except for the two krogans. Grunt and Wrex were grinning, fucking krogans.

“Exactly what I said, when the doors open we all one by one jump out. What did you think skydiving would be?” Shepard calmly explained to them. Ash and Kaidan were calmly talking in a corner, Jack and Jacob were arguing about who should go first, Joker and Miranda were strapped together in some sort of bizarre turtle-like carry with Joker whooping in excitement.

“We are NOT jumping out of a FLYING plane,” said Liara like Shepard was a bit on the slow side of things.

“Look it is completely safe. Even if you forget to pull the parachute free or the string breaks off, which it will not do, it will automatically release it when you are on a certain height.” None of them were convinced. “If you want back on firm ground you will have to jump. If you are scared we can strap you together like we did with them.” She pointed to Joker and Miranda.

“I will jump on my own,” Samara calmly agreed.

“I want a partner,” said Liara.

“I want a partner too,” agreed Tali.

“Great. Jacob get your ass over here you are with Tali, Ash you are with Liara,” she yelled at the two crew members. With a groan, Jacob came over while Jack looked smug. Within moments the two pairs were strapped together and Shepard turned to Garrus.

“I am not jumping,” he glared at her. Thankfully before she could say anything the instructor started talking.

“Alright everyone come here and listen up. I’m about to open the door. So who is going first?” He asked and Jack walked forward.

The next moment the doors were opened and Jack was out with a war cry. Grunt and Wrex followed after her almost trampling over the instructor in the process. Miranda and Joker followed with Joker whooping in joy and Miranda about as unemotional as ever. Kaidan followed with a shout of “Geronimo!” whatever that meant. Next were Ashley and Liara, Ash with a delighted laugh and Liara screaming in fright. Samara followed with a sigh. Tali seemed excited as Jacob took the dive. It was only Garrus and Shepard now.

“Hey Garrus,” he turned around to look at Shepard. “This is Sparta!” She said before she kicked, the bitch actually kicked him, off the plain. Garrus went down with a frightened scream that was just a tad bit too high-pitched. He had a nice view of Shepard jumping out seconds after him with the biggest grin in history.

“Flip around Garrus,” she said as she caught up to him. As she passed him she grabbed his arm and flipped him over so he was staring down at the ground, the rapidly approaching ground. All he could do was scream and curse humanity. He ignored Jack and Kaidan who were doing flips, Tali who was whooping in joy, two krogan war cries and Shepard’s happy laughter. He didn’t notice when people started pulling parachutes free. He was suddenly jerked back and was slowly gliding toward the ground. All he could do was grip the straps around his chest, curl up, and stare at the ground.

“I’m alive!” Liara was yelling somewhere above him to his left.

“This wasn’t so bad, kind of exciting,” that would be Samara.

“We told you,” was Ash’s answer.

“I love humans,” one of the two krogans said, he wasn’t sure which one.

“Can we go again?!” What was Tali thinking? Again? They weren’t even back on the ground yet!

“I think Garrus isn’t quite ready for that,” Shepard answered her. They continued to slowly glide down. Fucking insane space cockroaches that see mortality as a challenge, he was going to kill Shepard.

“You know after this we might as well go and do bungee jumping. Always wanted to do that,” was Jack’s suggestion.

“Sure!” Wait what?

•─────⋅ᓚᘏᗢ⋅─────•

“I am not jumping,” he said while gripping the low fence behind him, his claws were leaving dents in the metal.

“Then why did you let them strap you in?” Asked Kaidan, all Garrus could do was glare at the human over his shoulder.

“Come on Garrus it isn’t that bad!” Tali was jelling at him from a boat somewhere below, he was too scared to look.

“Really Garrus this isn’t as bad as skydiving.”

“Hey Garrus,” he glanced at Shepard. “This is Sparta!” And with that, the bitch kicked him to his death… AGAIN!

“Shepard NOOOOOOOoOOooOoooooOoooo!”

“You know he reminds me of a toy flopping around like that.”

“Like a yo-yo?”

“Nah, but something similar, can’t remember what it’s called.”

“Is he trying to grip the air?”

“I think he is trying to fly away.”

“He is returning to his bird roots.”

“Looks like he isn’t one that flies,” they all looked down as Garrus was lowered into a boat and unstrapped.

“Okay, who is next?”

“I’ll go!” Kaidan was already stepping over the fence.

Meanwhile down below…

“Oi!” Tali, Jack, Grunt, Samara and Miranda turned to a small wooden boat waiting by the shore. “Is this space dinosaur chicken yours?” The driver asked pointing down at the floor. They all looked and saw Garrus gripping the wooden floor looking like a scared cartoon cat while muttering curses.

“Yeah, he is ours.”

“Well take him out before he puts a hole in my boat.”

“Fucking adrenaline junkies,” they all heard the turian mutter.

“… Can we leave him?”

Chapter Text

“Shephard, can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.”

“Why would I shoot you?”

“It is just a- never mind, ask away Garrus”

“Do humans have some sort of official procedure when encountering a new species?”

“Where is this coming from?”

“Well, I was thinking about the First Contact War. I know turian procedure-“

“Which consists of shooting things into submission.”

“-but I don’t know if humans have such a thing and if you do what it is. So do you?”

“Well… how do I explain this...”

“Oh, Shepard can I?”

“You know how?”

“Ya.”

“Oh what the hell, go for it, Jack.”

“Okay, listen here you featherless chicken-“

“I’m not a bird therefore not a chicken either.”

“-the first thing you need to know is that humans come in two basic types. You have the scientists. They enjoy dissecting, probing, poking, and observing things. Then there are what you could call chargers. These guys prefer charging in head first. They like things up close and personal. Now normally we prefer throwing scientists at new things first. It’s just generally better for the species as things could be poisonous, venomous, toxic, and dangerous and could just plain kill us. Unfortunately, for some godforsaken reason the chargers seem to be the first ones to encounter new things most of the time.”

“What does that have to do with my question?”

“I’m getting there you turd. Now when humans encounter new things there are three Questions we ask.”

“Why do I feel there is a capital Q there?”

“Because these aren’t mere questions, these are THE Questions. Anywhore, the first Question is ‘Can we kill it?’ We get this one answered through trial and error no matter who encounters the thing first. The only difference is that one type calls it research and the other self-defense.”

“That is pretty much what happened during the First Contact War. You attacked and we reacted. As Jack said it was just self-defense.”

“Yeah, then we ask the second Question. ‘Can we eat it?’”

“What?!”

“Oh don’t worry, no one made a turian steak and decided to cook and eat. We found this one through research. Something about acids or whatever. Look you just aren’t edible.”

“Stop interrupting Shephard, but yeah.”

“… So what is the last Question?”

“’Can we fuck it?’”

“It keeps getting worse.”

“Now because of the First Contact War and mutual hatred between our species, no one found that one out quite yet.”

“Makes sense, in some sick and twisted way… Shephard why are you looking at me like that?!”

“For science!”

“Shephard wait!”

“God! No! Why!? Not while I’m in the room you sick bitch! Gah, my eyes! I’m scared for life. Shephard you are paying for my therapy!”

Chapter Text

After every war there always were a lot of orphans. It was natural and in a way people expected it. People died and left family and friends behind. This thing with the reapers was the worst thing the Galaxy ever saw. The orphanages were overcrowded and it was impossible to keep track of all the children much less take care of them. So in order to turn the attention of people to the orphan problem Shepard was invited to the biggest orphanage in the Galaxy, a big space station floating in one of the solar systems.

The whole crew agreed it would be good publicity and would encourage adoptions, but leaving Shepard around innocent children was a bad idea. So the crew agreed to go but only if five other crewmembers could accompany Shepard to make sure the crazy woman wouldn’t do something stupid. And so Tali, Liara and Kaidan were chosen to go because they were good with children to some degree. Garrus was made to go because out of everyone he had the best chance of controlling their rash captain and poor Wrex had to go because he was the only one who could physically restrain the insane woman.

They were however in for a big surprise. Shepard was a natural when it came to children. The five crewmembers could only stare and gap at their captain who had children crawling all over her. Shepard was surrounded by children from every species. A small quarrian girl was climbing to her shoulders together with a little dark blue asari. A drell was chewing on her fingers. A few human children were hopping around her one small blonde tugging on her shirt to get her attention. She was holding a young turian boy upside down with her free hand the kid screaming with laughter.

“How?” Asked Garrus in disbelief. Was this really their captain? Was this another clone?

“I don’t know,” answered Liara her eyes following a light blue asari as she tackled one of Shepard’s legs.

“Are we sure that is Shepard? Our Shepard?” Asked Kaidan.

“Yes it is Shepard,” answered Wrex with a sniff, he didn’t seem all that surprised by the display.

“Are you sure?” Asked Kaidan. All he got was a glare from the krogan.

“Alright, you prats, who wants to hear a story?” They heard Shepard ask the kids. There was a lot of shouting and laughter. “Alright then, everyone settle down,” within seconds all the older kids sat around Shepard in a circle and paying close attention. “Now what story to tell? Hm… oh I know, how about that time we…” and she was off telling the kids about one of their many adventures. As their shock wore off Tali, Liara and Kaidan went to play with some of the younger kids that weren’t listening to Shepard’s exciting story.

By the time Shepard finished her story the children were all fast asleep or about to be. Some were curled on the floor while others were leaning against each other forming cute little piles. Shepard had five children leaning against her, a quarrian girl curled up in her lap like a kitten. Two caretakers came over and helped Shepard out of her puppy pile. It was time for them to go. Before she made it back to her crewmembers one of the caretakers stopped her. She was a young asari carrying a baby turian. The tiny turian was very young as it still had short fluffy feathers. Baby turians looked like little balls of fluff with faces.

“I just wanted to thank you for everything you have done for us. You helped these kids more than you know,” the asari said with a brilliant smile. Before Shephard could answer IT happened. The little turian fluff ball sneezed. Shepard froze. They have never seen their captain so still before. Shepard was a ball of energy. She was always moving, always in motion. Be it gesturing wildly with her hands as she talked or shifting on her feet she was always, ALWAYS, in motion. To see her so still was eerie.

Everyone was staring at Shepard who was staring at the baby turian. The fluff ball made a sort of chirruping sound up at her. “Can I hold him?” She asked the asari.

“Oh, uh, sure,” the asari was obviously caught off guard by Shepard’s reaction but she handed the baby over with little hesitation.

Their captain slowly, carefully took the baby which continued to make happy chirruping noises as she cradled him against her chest. She was still eerily still. She wasn’t bouncing on her toes. She wasn’t shifting from one foot to the other. Hell, she wasn’t even looking up from the baby. They watched as their captain walked towards the owner of the orphanage, an old human woman. Shepard didn’t look up from the little turian until she was standing right in front of the old woman.

“That one just came, in we didn’t even get to name him,” the old woman explained.

“I’ll take this one,” said Shepard firmly finally looking up from the kid.

“What?!”

“Shepard, you can’t!”

“We aren’t ready for a baby!”

“Garrus do something!”

“Why me?!”

“She listens to you!”

“No, she doesn’t!”

“Quick before she names him!”

“Alright, alright I am going,” he said before walking towards his captain and away from his terrified crewmembers.

“Ah Shepard you can’t just adopt him,” he tried explaining.

“Why not?”

“Well for one we live on a military ship, not exactly a good place to raise a child. Do you even have any experience with babies? Have you ever taken care of children for more than a few hours?” He slowly asked her.

“Of course I have. My son turned out just fine.”

“Er, you have a son?” This was news to him.

“My krogan son.” Garrus groaned at the explanation.

“Did I miss something?” He could hear Wrex ask somewhere behind him.

“Shepard, Grunt is not your son,” he ignored Wrex’s ‘Ahhh…’

“Sure he is. I will name this one Steve,” decided his captain, “Steve Shepard.”

“Too late!” Kaidan yelled somewhere behind him.

“At least give him a turian name,” groaned Garrus, his sanity must be slipping away. “Why are you so set on this?”

“He sneezed.”

“… He… sneezed?” he asked her slowly not really processing her words.

“Yes, look, come on Steve sneeze for mommy,” and the damn little ball of fluff did. Garrus froze. That had to be the most adorable thing he ever saw. The rest of the crew was groaning somewhere behind him but he completely ignored them.

And so Steven Opiso Shepard joined the Normandy crew.

Chapter Text

Kaidan was having a good day, a great day actually. They had just left the Citadel and in just a nick of time, a package arrived for him. A very special package, his favorite dish. So yes, it was a good day to be Kaidan Alenko indeed. He wouldn’t be forced to eat the food, swill, that their cook made for survival. Oh no, he would be dining like a king tonight.

He practically skipped his way to the communal area at lunchtime. He made sure to keep eye contact with the trice damned cook as he took only a slice of bread for lunch. Gardner raised a dark eyebrow at the strange behavior, so Kaidan shook the innocent paper bag. Just to drive the point across. That got him an eye-roll. He and Gardner had been having an, to lightly put it, an argument. Kaidan may have described Gardner’s food as something he wouldn’t give even to a thresher maw. And Gardner may have put an extra fish eyeball in Kaidan’s meatball or two. Nothing big as he said.

Anyway, he happily plonked down next to some of his crewmembers, who gave him weird looks. He settled down and rubbed his hands together in excitement before opening the bag. And there it was, in all its glory. A large yellow and red can of pure goodness. He pulls the can out and settles it on the table. He knows the rest of the crew is curious, but he doesn’t have the time for them. From the corner of his eye, he sees Jack lean over him to read the letters on the can. Her eyes widen and immediately she bolts for the elevator.

The rest of the crew stare after her in terror, before slowly glancing back to Kaidan. He is ignoring all of it. He simply turns the can over so he can open it, so he can get to the goodness inside.

“Kaidan…” Ash says slowly, terror clear in her voice, she must have recognized the can but is still in denial.

“What is that?” The question is said slowly, carefully, as if she can believe her eyes.

“Exactly what you think it is,” he answers happily.

“Oh no…” Ash trails off slowly.

“What is it?” Garrus asks as he and the rest of the non-human crew slowly approach their table, fascinated and intrigued by the unusual behavior.

“Surströmming,” is Ash’s terrified answer. Her eyes lock on Kaidan. “Please tell me you aren’t going to open that in here,” she begs.

Kaidan gives a chuckle. “Oh yes, I am,” he announces every word slowly, satisfaction clear in his tone. He has waited too long, too long!

“Why isn’t it translating? It’s not translating! Why isn’t it translating!?” Garrus is panicking now too. Past experiences have taught him human words turians didn’t have a translation for were a dangerous thing. “Ash what is that thing?!” He demands, Tali and Liara are starting to look concerned now too. Grunt is unfazed.

“The worst thing humanity has ever made,” Ash responds her eyes vacant. The alien crew is frozen at her words.

“Ash,” Garrus begins slowly. “What is that exactly?”

“It is,” she swallows, “it is salted fish that has been fermenting for at least six months,” she finished slowly.

Grunt snorts. “That’s it? Some fish? I expected more,” the krogan looks mildly insulted. Ash frowns.

“You don’t believe me? Fine stay here then,” she is already standing up. “You know where to find me if you survive,” and with that, she is gone.

“I don’t understand. What is so bad about some fish?” Tali asks innocently.

“Well, here we go,” Kaidan announces. That gains the attention of the rest of the nameless human crew that is milling around.

He cracks the can open and it hisses, spraying juices across the table. Garrus jumps. And then the smell hits. Grunt is the first one running to the toilet. The humans throw curses at him before leaving angrily. Only a couple of them gag and only one joins Grunt in the toilet. Tali is choking inside her suit. Garrus is frozen and Liara is looking white. Kaidan happily digs in. Garrus gags and throws a comment about space cockroaches before leaving. Liara is gripping one of the chairs for dear life as she loses her lunch. Tali has slipped out through the nearest vent.

“Hm, fascinating, it is possible the L2 implants are able to disturb the taste receptor cells,” he hears Solus mumble somewhere behind him.

“Hey, where is everyone?” Shepard calls as she enters. “Oh hey, Surströmming, haven’t had that in a while.”

“Get your own,” Kaidan hisses as guards his treasure with his hands.

“Oh, come on Alenko, sharing is caring.”

“Hypothesis seems to be wrong,” Solus mumbles before leaving.

The communal area was under quarantine for three full days as even the Normandy’s highly sophisticated air recycling system wasn’t inadequate in removing the smell.