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The world had come to a near complete halt, sounds muffled by the layer of powdery snow covering everything. It first came silently falling down the sky a few days ago, covering everything in a thick cotton blanket, and had come again last night depositing yet another layer. Many people had taken to staying inside as much as possible but not today. No, not on such a special day as today.
Even Eric, who usually much preferred the warmth of his house and a good cuppa, had braved the cold weather and ventured outside.
Snow on the fourteenth of February was a staple element of the stereotypical Valentine's day, along with the red and pink heart decorations.
There was no way for one to escape the celebration, from the romantic music on the radio to the flowers sold everywhere, he himself had bought one.
In the streets couples were walking together, holding hands or hugging each other, smiles on their faces reddened by the cold. Emboldened by joyous occasion many had no qualms partaking in very public affective demonstrations, with little to no regard to their surroundings.
He hated how freely caring couples were behaving, he loathed how blissfully happy they looked and more than anything he resented finding himself still craving for it.
He knew what it felt like, he had had too, the tender love that made one's heart melt, the way they looked at you as if you were their most precious treasure.
There used to be a time when he had it all, when his heart did not painfully ache at the sight of others' happiness.
Oh how much it was hurting him to see those people looking happy and carefree, to be a silent witness with the knowledge of the cost of such freedom.
They knew not of the existence of such cost in the first place, nor of the sacrifices made in order to protect their safety, for them to be able to go watch stupid romantic comedy movies.
None of them even had the faintest idea of what Eric himself had lost and it would remain like that, he couldn't tell them -ever, he had been sworn to secrecy a long time ago.
As much as he wished he could shout for the entire world to know, he couldn't tell them that his lover died for them, for him, for Queen and country… How he wished everyone could be witness of how much the world had taken from him.
His entire life had been dictated by what he lost or never had, joining MI6 had eventually proven him otherwise and allowed him to reverse the tendency. And for a time it had worked, he found a family and even fell in love, met the person who would become the centre of his life. Until fate brutally ripped it away from him, his lover had lost his life in the field.
No attempt at recovering was ever made, nothing was ever brought back. Despite Eric's demands, his anger, screams or broken pleas, M never allowed him to search for it -too dangerous, even for a double-0. His life was much too valuable to the service for him to be permitted to endanger it in what was deemed a pointless endeavour.
In accordance with his lover's last wishes the funeral was a simple affair.
Had he not been forced to do so, Eric would not have set foot anywhere near the funeral home where an empty casket had been cremated. He had categorically refused to even consider taking the ashes. How was he supposed to feel anything more than indifference at best and festering hatred for the remains of a stupid cardboard box? The body of his lover was still somewhere out there, left to the mercy of the scavengers and the elements and he was expected to regard this empty box as if it was him.
It wasn't his lover, it wasn't the man he had shared his life with and whom he had loved more than anyone else.
But now Eric had nowhere to go, no grave to visit, so he instead stood here, where they had sat together on one of the benches during leave.
He found himself staring absent-mindedly at the river, heart heavy with grief and sorrow stuck in his throat. Thoughts spiralling uncontrollably as his hands clutched around the rose he had bought earlier, not caring about the thorns piercing his skin, nor the blood falling on the snow painting it red.
“Good evening love… I know I'm late, sorry. Q caught me missing my psych eval and you know how he is. Sent me straight to Medical and they kept me under watch to make sure I wouldn't be able to leave until it was done. They wanted to pull me out of the field. If you listen to them, according to their textbooks, missing you makes me unfit for the job. So I lied, I played the part, said that I was fine and ready to go back to work.” he said in a broken voice, barely able to keep his composure and not start sobbing uncontrollably.
Eric's hands squeezed harder around the rose's stem, pushing the thorns even deeper in his skin before he finally let go of it. Watching as the flower fell on the ground, vision blurred by tears welling up in his eyes, red petals against the white snow already stained by his blood.
The blond man shook his head, trying to banish the dark thoughts away in the back of his mind, not with very much success unfortunately as he still felt like his heart was being crushed by sorrow and tears were starting to roll on his cheeks. He hated crying, especially in public, though the daylight was disappearing behind the horizon and as romantic as it may sound nobody was very keen on picnicking under the moon -at least not during the coldest month of winter.
“I miss you… I miss you so bloody much. I know it was bound to happen, but it doesn't keep me from wishing it wasn't you this day. I'm sorry, I know you wanted me to take care of myself but I can't. I'm so sorry, I love you.” he whispered bitterly, his voice finally breaking as he could no longer contain his emotions.