Archive of Our Own ^beta

The city feels fragile under the cloudy sky above, rain falling miles only to run down the streets into the drain. The tall buildings are just reflections of each other, clear windows a thin barrier between the inside and the battering of rain into its sides. For an afternoon in Seoul, the streets are unusually empty, but Jungkook doesn't blame anyone for not wanting to be out and about while it’s pouring and the clouds cast a depressing mood to the lightless city.

Strangely enough there is barely anyone standing outside the train station next to the road with Jungkook either—granted, he did fall asleep on the train, thus leaving just as they passed a check through the cabins. He blames the inconsiderate person that was sitting next to him for not waking him up.

The city streets filled with rain sketches a familiar picture inside his head as he stares at it for long enough. Rainy season had been the death of them, back when Jungkook still retained that childhood dream and played mindlessly during the summer days. They would get bouts of rain followed by the sweltering sun finally making its appearance and drying them off just soon enough to melt them through their clothes. They still went out though: him, Hoseok, Namjoon, Yoongi, Seokjin, Taehyung, and Jimin. While normal people stayed in the comfort of their own homes watching the small patter of rain against their windows, the seven of them would go out and go absolutely feral—like the street before the train station for example.

When you wander around the city, you end up in places you least expect and Jungkook vividly remembers them camping out in front of the station, waiting ready to splash anyone who came out with an umbrella sheltering themselves from the rain. Jungkook sees himself on the opposite street walking forward, and then being pulled back by Hoseok.

What are you doing? He had asked, tugging Jungkook by his sleeves.

I wanna splash them, Jungkook replied honestly, bunny smile pronounced.

You’ll get in trouble with them. Some of them you can't take. Hoseok had furrowed his brow and he did the mouth thing that makes Jungkook feel like he’s done something wrong even when he hasn't even started yet.

But Taehyungie and Namjoon-hyung are doing it so much! They even splashed that scary looking dude and they ran fast enough that he couldn't catch them, Jungkook had said, pouting along with his words and speaking in satoori the way he knew was Hoseok’s weakness.

Yeah, but that’s Namjoonie and Tae—they're likely to get away with anything. Besides, they're much more experienced at this, Hoseok had tried to reason. Contrary to adult belief, Namjoon did not give a single fuck about the system other than his utter disdain for it, something he, Yoongi, and Taehyung shared and spoke about religiously. Sure he got good grades in school, but at that time in their teenage years when every corner of Seoul belonged to them like that, Namjoon joined Taehyung in raising havoc everywhere they went.

Hyung... Jungkook laughs as he remembers the way he ramped up his puppy-dog eyes and that exact moment Hoseok broke and said ok.

Jungkook pulls the cap he holds in his hand over his head, tucking strands of his hair in and pulled his hoodie up to cover it. Hands shoved in his pocket, Jungkook steps out into the rain, ankle-high in puddles yet he doesn't relent, still walking forward with such a strong intent anyone would be sure to stay clear of him. He feels the rain drenching through his layers within seconds, the clothes sticking to his skin as it soaks through and into his very bone. 

Hoseok laughed and squealed as he failed to avoid the particularly big splash Seokjin directed at him. At the time Jungkook laughed, doubling over to clutch his stomach and the Jungkook now only smiles fondly at the memory.

The rain doesn't relent and Jungkook doesn't know how long he's been walking for. He forgets the address but he knows where he definitely needs to go. He remembers the streets and the shops that line it, remembers the landmarks they picked out to know where they were going the first time they explored their city thoroughly. There’s a corner there where Hoseok dropped his mint ice cream and Namjoon says even god is punishing him for liking mint while Yoongi argues that Namjoonie you don’t even believe in god. That one square has a fountain in the middle where Taehyung managed to rope Hoseok into fishing for coins, the result of which had them—and Jungkook who had stumbled upon them minutes before—running from the authorities. Jungkook even pauses, a soft sigh releasing as his shoulders drop at the sight of the closed down shop. There used to stand an ice cream parlour where Hoseok took him on their first date. Always a romanticist, Hoseok had planned out the perfect date only to have the day ruined by dark clouds and stormy weathers much like this one, which just lead to them sitting in the parlour while Hoseok sulks and Jungkook brings him back up.

“Jungkookie?”

Jungkook turns to the voice and his train of thought derails as he takes in the sight. Namjoon and Jimin stand under the same umbrella across the road and goddamn do they look different after however long they haven't seen each other for. Jimin looks beautiful as always, his hair dyed blue for the first time after a decade of going through the whole colour spectrum and styled perfectly, his makeup done in a much more minimalistic and clean way than when they were young and felt powerful with more instead of less, and Jungkook notices he pierced his ears even more. Jimin’s eyes are wide, staring at him, his lips twitching in what Jungkook guesses to be him wanting to frown in confusion and smile in glee at the same time. Namjoon, on the other hand, Jungkook almost doesn’t recognise. The only physical thing that’s really changed is his hair, but there is a completely different way he’s carrying himself that makes him so elegant and graceful. He is breathtaking.

However, what throws him off is the interlocked arms sharing an umbrella.

“It’s Jungkookie!” Jimin lets go of Namjoon and bolts across the street, Namjoon yelling out for him to not leave the dry space under the umbrella.

Jungkook opens his arms and Jimin flies into him, burying his head in Jungkook’s neck.

“I’m soaked,” Jungkook states.

“You’re back,” Jimin breathes as he pulls back slightly, not letting go as if he did, Jungkook would disappear once again.

“Jungkook,” Namjoon walks slowly over to them, a wide smile on his face. Jungkook looks up to him and—wow. Up close, Jungkook is in no way prepared for how absolutely beautiful Namjoon is.

“I’d give you a hug,” Jungkook says around Jimin, who is back to burrowing his head in the crook of his neck, “but I'm kinda drenched.”

“Maybe Jiminie should realise that by now,” Namjoon laughs and, to the mild surprise of Jungkook, puts an arm around Jimin’s waist to pull him out of the tight embrace to prevent him from getting wet any more. Speaking of, Jungkook makes a noise in acknowledgement of the rain lessening. “Get in here, you’ll get sick.”

“You know,” Jungkook says, blurting the first thing that comes to mind, “Out of all of us I would've thought you’d end up with Taehyung.”

“What?” Jimin’s previous demeanour changes as he hears that. He looks up to Namjoon with a frown that Namjoon doesn't return, an amused smile on his face as he looks down at Jimin. Jimin turns back to Jungkook, slinging his arm over Namjoon’s shoulder and placing his hand on his hip. “Yeah, if I have to fight my soulmate for this man, I will,” he says adamantly, “And I'll win, right babe?”

Namjoon laughs and looks fondly at Jimin, “Of course.”

Jungkook makes a faux gagging noise at the display of verbal affection. “Get all that lovey doves shit outta my face.”

“Oh please,” Jimin says, “as if you and Hoseok were any better.”

The mood drops and Jungkook feels the temperature under his skin rise in anger as Jimin exchanges a glance with Namjoon.

“Stop that,” he says.

“I’m sorry,” Jimin says as he looks down.

“No, I hate it when you guys do that!” Jungkook takes a step back and he remembers why he left in the first place, the monotone of everyday repeating without Hoseok, the suffocating buildings towering over him, the traces of him everywhere—in every crevice and sound and word, Jungkook can smell and hear and see Hoseok. “You can talk about him in front of me, you know? I’ve had years to get over him, I’ve had years to... yeah. You don’t have to walk on eggshells around me. I’m not gonna break down for hours at the mention of him anymore.”

After that torrent, Jungkook’s breathing heavily, each word he said filled with the anger and frustration that has been building for so long already. That, coupled with the aching in his heart that just makes him miss so much. Miss him.

Namjoon’s staring openly while Jimin’s expression is crestfallen, guilt creeping in. He opens his mouth to say sorry but Jungkook sighs first.

“Anyways,” he says, refusing to meet their eyes and rubbing his nape, “how is everyone?”

Namjoon looks to Jimin, a worried expression colouring his face before saying, “We’re actually doing fine. You’ve surely seen Jin-hyung on tv.”

“Yeah,” Jungkook laughs, “that one drama, Epiphany—that was amazing. I swear he’s like a completely different person when he acts.”

“Well, that’s what acting is,” Jimin speaks up, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, that’s not what I mean, Jimin,” Jungkook retorts, causing Jimin to fake gasp.

“Oi, this brat dropping the honorifics already with his hyung—”

“Yeah, we’ve been meeting up with him every now and then,” Namjoon says over Jimin, “we actually went out to the theatre to see a local play put on nearby with him the other week. He hasn't changed much.”

Seokjin, Jungkook, Jimin, and Hoseok hung out the most after school. While Namjoon and Taehyung were off who knew where committing petty crimes and Yoongi nowhere to be found, the four of them would raid arcades and when Jungkook looked back on it, they could be viewed as bullies of sorts and that thought almost makes him laugh.

Yah, Hoba you’re a dancer but I’m getting higher scores than you! Jin had laughed that endearing window-cleaner laugh of his and Hoseok had groaned as he held on to the rails of dance dance revolution.

It’s the stamina, hyung! The stamina, he would repeat while Jimin and Jungkook giggled from the side. When he laid down across the dance platform and said leave me to die, Jungkook walked over and lifted him up into his arms. Hoseok squealed and immediately covered his mouth with both hands. There was high blush on his cheek as he refused to look at Jungkook and muttered, put me down, this is embarrassing.

But you’re so cute hyung, in my arms like this, Jungkook had boldly flirted.

Aigo, my baby’s all grown up and strong enough to carry his hyung now.

Jungkook’s heart had skipped a beat and he was sure Hoseok, pressed to his chest, could hear the way his heartbeat got faster. My baby, he had said.

So, Seokjin had interrupted, when’s the wedding, which caused the both of them to go tomato-red and refuse to meet each other’s gaze.

“Good for him,” Jungkook says with a fond smile as he thinks of his hyung. He’s so happy that he’s living out his dream, one that he realised quite late in his teenage years but something he excelled at nonetheless.

“Tae’s making a name for himself in art. He’s abroad actually,” Namjoon starts and Jungkook cuts him off.

“What?” He groans. “I really wanted to see him as well, though.”

“You can call him now,” Jimin says, “catch up. It’s not like you’ve been avoiding us and discarded your number before you left or anything and we had no way to check if you’re still even alive.”

“Yeah, yeah, I'll tell him I’m fine,” Jungkook waves his concerns off and asks, “How’s Yoongi-hyung?”

Namjoon and Jimin exchange a glance and Jungkook feels his blood run cold. “What?” 

There is a certain spacial awareness Jungkook employs at times of focus. He hears the rain loud and clear, the repetitive sound without pattern echoes through his head and he breaths in, that sound sharp in his ear as well. Cool air fills his nostrils, burning them with its frigidity, his senses filed to a needle point. The streets smell of rain, of cigarette smoke and ash stamped onto the pavement, layered with a think muffle of water and weather. His skin prickles in the cold, wet shirt sticking to every crevice of his skin from his spine to his elbow and falling against his shape, his fingers curling and twitching with an urge to hold something, anything.

“What is it?” Jungkook asks again and his voice is too light, too featherlike for it to hold any weight and he fears the couple won’t catch a word of what he says.

“Hyung is... he’s doing alright,” Namjoon manages to say.

“Bullshit,” Jungkook says, causing Namjoon to flinch and guilt immediately curls up in his throat at the sight.

“Hey brat,” Jimin scolds, eyes piercing in a way Jungkook can’t look away from, “don’t talk to your hyung like that.”

His eyes dart away, anywhere but Jimin’s intense gaze as he mutters an apology.

“And what right do you have to know anyways?” Jimin continues and Namjoon says his name softly. “You’re the one who left when things got hard for you without thinking how hard it would be for him. Do you know how much we worried? I didn’t know what had happened to you, you could’ve been dying in a ditch somewhere and we would be none the wiser! Why don’t you ever think before you do something, Kookie?”

Jungkook gapes, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. A sound stutters out of him, but no words make its way to his lips, no excuse he has for this. He never meant it—there is no way in this lifetime or another he would deliberately hurt his hyungs, not the most important people in his life, never. The guilt making its home in his throat, stifling any sound coming out, burrows deeper, making his heart ache with an age old pain.

“I...” Jungkook looks down to the ground, around for anything as his breaths quicken and a yawning black abyss opens up beneath him. The world blacks out in the corner of his vision and suddenly everything he can hear and see and feel is just too much. Why did he not think? He’s a disappointment, someone who can’t even make sure his friends and the only people who love him know that he’s fine, that he’s sleeping good, eating healthy. He, who’s only wish in life was to make his hyungs happy, who left them alone during a hard time, who disappeared without a trace after... after...

Five things you can see, Jungkookie.

His heart-shaped smile, the mole on his top lip, the way his eyes crinkle up in the shape of a fish, the outline of sunlight around his hair making a halo, warm, loving eyes—

“Five th—” Jungkook hiccups, “5 things I can see... I see Jimin hyung, Namjoonie hyung... there’s an umbrella... the no parking sign and a—uh, a-a-a flyer for-for... call this number for a high-rise apartment.”

Tell me four things you can hear. Can you do that for hyung?

The deep baritone of his voice, the phantom of his laugh like music to his ears, the warm singing voice mumbling the words to a familiar song under his breath, the early chirping of birds when he wakes Jungkook up with a kiss—

“F-four,” Jungkook manages to say, “I hear the rain a-and—” he takes an involuntary breath that interrupts his sentence. “My voice, uh, I can hear my voice... the cars in the distance.. someone’s ringing a bell on a—on a bike.”

Breathe, Jungkookie, you’re doing amazing baby. Now can you tell hyung three things you can feel?

His hand on Jungkook’s back, a grounding, comforting weight that keeps him from floating away, his fingers rubbing circles into the back of his hand, his soft, soft lips brushing against Jungkook’s like a breath gone too soon—

“Three,” Jungkook whispers and he realises he’s on the ground on his knees, curled forward clutching his stomach, “I feel my clothes. Wet, it-it’s sticking to my skin and... concrete under my knees and... hands...” For the first time Jungkook realises there’s no constant pressure of the rain hitting him from miles up in the clouds and he raises his head to meet Namjoon’s gaze. He’s crouched at eye level with Jungkook and Jimin’s standing over them with the umbrella.

“You back yet?” Namjoon says softly, the only other person as used to this as Hoseok was. Jungkook is silent for a moment as he looks at Namjoon and the sudden feeling of gratitude wells up, warm in his stomach. What did he do to deserve hyungs like these?

“... Yeah.”

“Come here.” Namjoon opens his arms and Jungkook goes readily, trying to disappear in Namjoon’s wide embrace like he always tried to sink into Hoseok. The weight of someone, another warm body, grounds him.

“I miss him,” Jungkook whispers.

Namjoon hums. “Are you going to see him?”

Jungkook closes his eyes as the rumble of Namjoon’s deep voice reverberates through his chest where Jungkook lays his head. “Of course.”

They part ways after, with Jungkook promising Jimin he’d call them and Namjoon giving him all their new numbers. Jungkook doesn’t count his steps, has no concept of how long he’s been walking for save for the aching in his feet. His nose follows nostalgia, a breadcrumb trail of childhood memories that lead him to the back of Seoul National University where he jumps the fence.

As he walks through the overgrowth off the side of the campus grounds, he fishes out his burner phone with a hand over it to cover it from the light shower of rain and types in the first number on his list. He holds the phone to his ear, just under his hoodie so it doesn't get wet. The number goes through on the first few rings and someone speaks into the line in English.

“Hello, Vante Kim speaking.”

Jungkook smiles as he ducks under a branch. “Hi hyung.”

A long drawn out silence fills the line from the other end and Jungkook jumps over a log. Finally, Taehyung speaks, “Jungkook?”

“It’s me,” Jungkook adds a dry laugh to his already weak tone.

“Jungkookie! Where have you been, do you even know how much we worried? Jimin—”

“Yeah I’ve heard it all from Jiminie-hyung, so save the lecture please,” Jungkook rolls his eyes.

“Tch, bratty as always,” Taehyung says.

“It’s the Jeonprint,” Jungkook says, proudly smug as he steps into a clearing where the rain continues its relentless assault once again.

“Are you outside? Is it raining?” Taehyung’s tone is filled with disbelief. “You’ll get sick!”

“I won’t,” Jungkook assures him, “I have... an umbrella.”

Taehyung tells him about Europe, about all the amazing artists he met abroad. As he listens, Jungkook moves across the clearing to sit on the side of the abandoned swimming pool. Taehyung’s voice is tuned out as he goes on a tangent and Jungkook smiles fondly at the drain of their teenage years, where many nights were spent drinking until they were old enough to do so legally. He remembers the first time Hoseok brought all the unused blankets in his house in the back of a truck and laid them out on the then-dry surfaces. He’d pull Jungkook down in the makeshift mattress with him and huddle into each other’s warmth and they would then be joined by Yoongi at Hoseok’s back, then Taehyung huddling close to him while Jimin joined them behind Jungkook. Jin would throw himself over all of them, causing a collective groan to come out of all of them as Namjoon laughs and goes to sleep in the car with the window open so they’d be able to hear each other.

“Jungkookie?”

Jungkook grunts in response, snapped out of his nostalgia by his name.

“... You weren't listening, were you?”

“Sorry, hyung,” Jungkook says, a little guilty. Taehyung had sounded so enthusiastic and excited about life abroad and Jungkook didn't even pay attention. “I’m at the pool right now.”

“Jungkook!” Tae exclaims. “They still haven't boarded off that low part of the fence?”

“They did,” Jungkook laughs, “I just jumped the normal height.”

“Jeez...” Tae chuckles at that, likely falling back into memory lane like Jungkook did. “I bet you got buff after years. I kinda want to see you.”

“Your fault you’re not here,” Jungkook pouts, swinging his legs back and forth on the ledge. 

“What have you been doing all these years?”

“I went to Busan. Just did some work here and there. Managed to survive long enough with just that actually,” he laughs, “deep-sea fishing—that was boring. But on the bright side I learned how to fix an engine.”

“Always the golden maknae...”

“Yeah.”

“Well that’s just too vague now, Jungkookie. Once I get back I’m gonna pry all the details out of you.”

The call falls to a comfortable silence after that, just the soft sound of rain falling around him filling the line.

“Are you going to see Hoseokie-hyung?” Taehyung asks quietly.

Jungkook looks up to the sky, to where the slight overcast in the grey remains, the clouds thinning out just barely. “Yeah,” he says finally.

“I see.” Taehyung hums over the line. “Well, I gotta go. It’s early morning here and... will you tell him I miss him?”

A pressure from deep inside, trapped in Jungkook’s ribcage threatens to burst out of his chest and spill all the emotions he’s kept since Hoseok out onto the grass around him. “Of course,” Jungkook answers. “See you in Seoul, hyung.”

“Love you, Kookie,” Taehyung says before hanging up.

Jungkook’s hand falls to his side, the phone being gently laid on the tiles of the swimming pool edge. Water starts to fill it up from the bottom, covering the graffiti Taehyung worked so hard on with a dirty layer.

He misses Hoseok. He misses him so much. It had been a sunny day, he thinks, much unlike this one. where the clouds are nowhere to be found and only a clear, glassy sky stretched on for miles into the horizon. Hoseok commented on the blue of it, amazed at the vibrant colour of the summer day and Tae complained that the saturation didn't fit the aesthetic of the photos he was trying to take. Seokjin wrestled the camera out of his hand, told him to go sit down and stop whinging if he’s not satisfied because Seokjin will readily take photos.

Seokjin, noticing Hoseok’s whole being vibrating with excitement, rolled his eyes with a fond smile and told him, ok fine, I’ll take a photo of just you, followed by Hoseok bouncing up onto his feet and exclaiming with delight. The pictures didn't necessarily turn out good or up to Taehyung’s standards but Jungkook managed to stop him from deleting them and begged for them after he saw the way Hoseok smiled down at them. When white day came the next year, Jungkook had given the photos to Hoseok and ran away in embarrassment.

Jungkook smiles and huffs a laugh at the memory.

He doesn’t jump the fence the same way out but leaves through the entrance of university instead. He forgets now that he looks like an actual adult he doesn't have to sneak into places they used to when they were only adolescents. He tracks the streets once again, following a familiar imprint in his memories.

There’s a little bar he passes and Jungkook remembers it was where they first used their fake IDs. Jungkook had been firmly rejected, which had made him the butt of every single one of Seokjin’s bad jokes for weeks to follow that. It was embarrassing, to say the least, but he had been comforted by Hoseok, when they had cuddled together while watching an American show, that it’s because Jungkookie is to cute. Hoseok had done aegyo then despite the fact that he hated doing so just years prior when they made each other do it for snacks, they’re not gonna believe you if you say you’re an adult because you’re just too cute! He had tickled Jungkook, pulling at his cheeks and Jungkook doesn’t forget how much his cheeks stretched from smiling so much. Hoseok had always told him he smiled too big for his face.

Jungkook slows to a stop as he spots a flower shop. A sudden thought occurs to him and he smiles: he’ll get Hoseok these flowers! Hoseok has always loved flowers and Jungkook remembers him carrying pots of red flowers he didn't recognise into Jungkook’s bedroom—

Your room is too dark, he had pouted, I’m gonna dye my hair red like the petals so whenever you see them you think of me.

I always think of you, hyung, Jungkook had said boldly.

Aigo, he had tried to pass it off as playful teasing but he looked away with a blush high in his face. 

Jungkook leans over the flowers to sniff them. Hoseok would appreciate them, wouldn’t he? But Jungkook can’t just pick randomly—he has to pick the prettiest ones.

Pretty like Hobi, Hoseok had placed his palms beneath his chin in a flowering gesture.

He can’t help it, Jungkook’s next exhale comes out stuttering, a shudder to repress the ball in his throat, choking and suffocating him yet preventing the dam from bursting and letting go of all the sobs he had pushed down.

He steps into the flower shop and glances around. He isn’t bothered to search up their meanings and to arrange a bouquet that conveys all his pent up feelings for Hoseok since they parted. All he needs is a pretty flower, as pretty as Hoseok himself, the only flower that ever mattered to Jungkook, who stood in the sunlight and glowed with beauty, who’s hair perfectly frames his eyes like those red petals, who’s laugh was more like oxygen to Jungkook than anything.

Someone knocks into Jungkook’s shoulder, muttering a quiet apology and Jungkook freezes. First instinct causes him to reach out and grab the stranger’s wrist, his body noticeably tensing under his grip.

“Kim Seokjin?”

The stranger takes in an audible breath and says, “I’m sorry, I think you have me confused with—”

“Jin-hyung?” Jungkook doesn’t let go.

Seokjin doesn’t move for one moment before he slowly turns his head to meet Jungkook’s stare. His eyes widen and his skeptical gaze softens. “Kookie?” However, as quick as the softness rounding his features appeared, it disappears just as fast and is replaced by furrowed brows and pressed lips as he shrugs Jungkook’s grip off.

“Where have you been?” Seokjin demands, turning fully to face Jungkook.

“Uh, what—”

“You just up and disappeared on us without warning. Do you know how that makes us feel?” Seokjin’s volume is increasing and Jungkook looks around. Thankfully, the only other person in there beside them is the flower shop keeper who’s increasingly looking like she’d rather be anywhere else. “Do you know how it makes me feel?”

“Hyung, I’m so—”

“Don’t you know it’s rude to interrupt someone? We raised you better than this.” Jungkook zips his mouth immediately. “Do you know how inadequate I feel? As your hyung? If I wasn't enough—if I wasn't there for you when I thought I’d been doing enough, do you know how shitty that makes me feel? To fail as a hyung?”

Jungkook opens his mouth, but decides whatever excuse that comes to mind isn't actually good enough to erase what he did. Seokjin... he does not forgive as easy as Taehyung. In fact, Jungkook thinks Tae forgave him way too easily and he’s in for dealing with a whole load of emotional baggage when he sees Tae next.

“I’m...” Jungkook swallows, his lip wobbling. He really fucked up, didn't he? “I’m sorry.”

Seokjin studies his face and there is a moment suspended in time for longer than it should before he sighs. “Come here,” he says, exasperated as he pulls Jungkook into a hug. “What are you doing?”

Jungkook sniffs as Seokjin’s arms circles around him and the younger buries his face in Seokjin’s broad chest. “M’ getting flowers. Pretty flowers for a pretty Hobi,” Jungkook recites absentmindedly and tenses along with Seokjin, grimacing in preparation for another scolding.

“Well you’re not very good at choosing flowers now are you?” Seokjin says as he pulls away to look at Jungkook. “Let me help you. And you can tell me what's going on with your life as well.”

Jungkook smiles, thankful for Seokjin’s miraculous ability to read the mood accordingly. The only other person in their little band as proficient as him at that has been Hoseok. When a particularly nasty fight happened between any two of them, it was always one of them who had lifted the mood immediately and even sometimes when it was the uncomfortable tension between Taehyung and Jimin, the two’s energy bounced off each other perfectly and played a huge role in getting them back to normal.

“Hoseok’s favourite colour was green,” Seokjin muses as he looks over the flowers, “but green flowers don’t look good ‘cause they blend with the stem and leaves.”

“I was thinkin’ pink or red,” Jungkook says, “maybe yellow. Yellow’s nice.”

They fall in conversation, like two puzzle pieces in the same box, their years of being the best of friends naturally coming back. It isn’t like the slightly stilted exchange between him and Tae, nor the slight gaps that appeared when he was talking with Namjoon and Jimin. They have an easy bond between them despite the five year gap, their interests and personality filling it up like a bridge between the years separating them.

Jungkook tells him about Busan, about the wandering and all the new things he tried and Seokjin tells him about his newest drama. Turns out the flowers he was carrying out of the shop is a bouquet for the director since tomorrow is the last day of shooting. Jungkook tells him he’s been climbing the ranks in Overwatch and Seokjin says that while he’s been playing maple story often, he’s also been roped into playing League of Legends with Taehyung. He suggests Jungkook get back into the game as well so next time he sees Tae he can beat his ass for forcing Seokjin to memorise all the characters in League and which strategy best suits them. The eldest seems pretty adamant that Jungkook can win if pitted against Tae and they reminisce about that time Hoseok bribed him with kisses if he could win him the flamingo doll before Tae’s promise to do so as well and it’s just the two of them sniping at the target, competing on who can win their Hoseokie-hyung the plushie first.

Seokjin talks about Hoseok as if he never left Jungkook. He doesn’t tiptoe around him as if Jungkook is made of glass and Hoseok shattered him into a million pieces and left the shards lying strewn across the ground. He doesn’t talk as if the slightest mention of Hoseok will make Jungkook panic and disappear like a frightened animal again. There’s no hesitation, no ‘... Hoseok’ but just his name clear and pronounced on his tongue—Hoseok, Hoseok, Hoseok.

In the end, Jungkook picks out yellow flowers he doesn't know the name of, its colour bright and vibrant, petals glowing like a drop of sun fallen down to earth. Seokjin tells him that he doesn't have to pick flowers for their meaning and, echoing Jungkook’s thoughts from earlier, Hoseok would appreciate beautiful flowers more than whatever message he’s trying to send. While Seokjin insists on paying for it, saying his actor’s salary allows him more freedom in acting his role as the generous hyung, Jungkook readily argues back that he wants to do something for Hoseok himself. Seokjin points out that just visiting him and giving him the flowers is enough because it’s the intention behind it that counts rather than his actions. In the end, Seokjin pays for it.

“I’ve asked but no one would give me a straight answer,” Jungkook asks just as they’re about to part ways in front of the shop, “Do you know what Yoongi-hyung’s doing?”

Something flashes across Seokjin’s expression but it’s quickly replaced by a muted smile. He looks away to grab where his umbrella hangs just inside the shop and opens it up into the street before stepping out into the light drizzle of rain with it over his head. “I don’t think you deserve to know that, Jungkookie.”

“Oh,” Jungkook looks down to where he’s holding the flowers to his chest, “yeah, you’re right.”

“Have you been to that fried chicken place yet?” Seokjin asks as he turns to where Jungkook is still hiding under the flower shop’s shelter. 

“No,” he’s taken aback, “why?”

“You should. Get a late lunch.” Seokjin looks down to Jungkook’s damp hoodie and soaking trousers, his nose scrunching up. “And get an umbrella. You’ll get sick.”

“What,” Jungkook jokes, “you’re not giving me yours, hyung?”

With a laugh that slightly shakes his shoulders for a moment, Seokjin scoffs, a light tone between the two of them, “Yeah right. Like I forgot all the times you pushed me close to the curb when a truck comes rushing by on the puddle.”

They say their farewells and Jungkook fondly watches the retreating back of his oldest hyung.

Hoseok falls into step beside him on the street as he heads off, a phantom of a faded memory. Somehow, his smile doesn't seem as bright, not like the beautiful arch that lit up whatever room he’s in. The colour of his hair seems duller, stars not as present in the sparkle of his eyes, the way Jungkook remembers him an insult to his existence.

Oh, Jungkook-ah! Hoseok did this for every one of them, but Jungkook liked to think he was taking care of just him only. You’re gonna get sick! 

Jungkook had sat on the emergency stairwell up to Hoseok’s apartment, soaked to the bone waiting because he knew that Hoseok never took the elevator since he only lived one floor up. He had heard Hoseok humming a song under his breath after the metallic clang of the emergency door opened just above him followed by the satisfying clicks of Hoseok’s steps down the stairs. He had stopped short when Jungkook heard him turn the corner behind him, catching sight of Jungkook’s prone form curled up to the side of the stairs against the wall.

He had scolded Jungkook, immediately shrugging off his own coat to wrap Jungkook up and took him up to the apartment, still nagging on about getting sick and being idiotic out in the rain by himself. After the warm bath Hoseok had run for him, Jungkook sat curled up staring at the hot chocolate mug cupped in both his hands, lips blue.

Hoseok had demanded to know what happened and Jungkook looked up to him, his lips parting to say something, no sound coming out. Hoseok’s face fell in sympathy, oh, my baby, my Jungkookie, and he wrapped Jungkook up in his warm embrace and Jungkook wanted to sink into Hoseok’s safety, wanted to disappear into his comfort and never surface in the cold, dull world ever again. No matter how much Jungkook wants it to, the memory does not come to life, does not hold a candle to the love, the comfort he felt in Hoseok’s arms. It’s but a shade, a faded imitation of Hoseok.

The chicken shop is a riptide of memories. Jungkook stands outside for a moment and all the regrets of adolescent rush through his mind in that split second, that bad haircut, the afternoons spent learning piano with Yoongi while Hoseok dozes off next to them instead of studying, that horrid first kiss that left Hoseok laughing so hard he’s choking silent sounds with his head rested against Jungkook’s chest while Jungkook’s sitting with his back ramrod straight and his face burning up a bright, hot red. It had always been late at night, the chicken shop a sanctuary as the seven of them made their way back to the dark part of Seoul where their homes were. Always had been just the seven of them dragging all the empty chairs to the middle tables they pulled close together, the waiter letting them do whatever they wanted because no one was going to be there so late, and they’d throw their legs over each other, across chairs and tables until the shop was just a mess of limbs and chairs strewn all over. It was the one night only he and Hoseok went together half an hour before closing time and they hid in the booth in the corner they knew no one could see from the Main Street.

It’s so peaceful when it’s just the two of us, Hoseok had remarked.

I like when it’s just the two of us, Jungkook mumbled.

I know, Hoseok grinned, it’s a date. Though... I'd much prefer if I was able to take you somewhere better.

Like somewhere fancy? It’s comfortable here though. I don’t think I can dress up for somewhere fancy—they’d probably kick us out for looking like hobos, his mirthless laugh echoed through the empty restaurant.

But you deserve that I think, Hoseok’s voice rose a pitch as he slipped into satoori. He only ever lost his Seoul accent when nervous or angry and he didn't look angry. I want to take you to a restaurant of a high-rise building at night where we’ll see the city awake and lit up beneath us. I’ve always taken you to the Han river for dates but it would be much more thoughtful up there won’t you think? It will be beautiful.

Hoseok was beautiful. Jungkook had no doubt that if they ever went to a place like that, he wouldn’t have been able to take his eyes off of Hoseok as the latter would stare in awe over the city, pale white lights illuminating him from below and casting parts of his face in shadows, showing off his perfect face structure, the mesmerising map of his bones that Jungkook would commit to memory. He was beautiful then under the dirty fluorescent lights of the chicken shop, the contrast of the ugly surroundings and the gem that Hoseok was, painting a breathtaking picture that shouldn't work and Jungkook had commit that to memory and he was infinitely glad for it because it’s the only shade of Hoseok that could ever compare to the true one.

Jungkook steps into the shop and his eyes immediately finds the little booth they shared their first kiss, the person tending the counter calling out a welcome. It had been slow but they had kissed that night—and it was sloppy, a bad experience overall but he felt it had been worthwhile to get the first one out of the way and to cause a grin to split over Hoseok’s face like that and start laughing uncontrollably.

Jungkook winces as his steps make squeaky sounds and water falls off his clothes to a puddle on the floor, so he avoids the eyes of the cashier, instead looking over the menu over the counter. Hoseok always ordered the same thing so Jungkook asks for that. The nights they played cards over the table with fried chicken to the side and soft drinks has always been the best and he wishes with all his heart they could do that again—even when he knows it’s impossible.

“Jungkook-ah?”

He freezes. 

“Hyung?

When he moves to meet the gaze of the cashier, he finds Min Yoongi looking right back at him. 

A moment drags on. Another passes in a blink. Seconds could've been minutes that they’ve been staring at each other and the turmoil in Jungkook’s heart does not subside because he doesn't know what to say. No words are passed between them and it seems Yoongi is just as dumbfounded as Jungkook.

In the end, Yoongi breaks the silence, “You’re back.”

Jungkook swallows a lump in his throat and his next word is barely squeezed out and wobbling, “Yeah.”

Yoongi seems to sense that Jungkook’s mouth isn't very cooperative today and looks down. “I’ll get your order right away,” he says, stiff as he types it in, “please wait moment.”

“Hyung,” Jungkook manages to choke out, making Yoongi look up.

“We’ll talk later. Let me get off my shift. Sit down.” Clipped words, cold but barely held together by the texture of his voice. Jungkook does as he’s told and waits, falling into a chair. The same tension from before fills his chest and he wishes Hoseok is there with him, rubbing soothing circles into his chest and back and his voice in Jungkook’s ear grounding him, holding him so he doesn't fly away and disappear.

It feels like hours, yet at the same time just as long as a second when Yoongi sets down the basket of chicken and pulls a seat out before plopping down. 

Jungkook studies his hyung’s features, his lips dry and his appetite completely gone.

“I can’t stay mad at you,” Yoongi says, his voice as soft as always and Jungkook wants to cry, wants to break down like he did with Yoongi right beside him, saying those same words softly over and over again.

“I’m sorry.”

Yoongi takes a piece of chicken. “I want to shout at you, you know,” Yoongi says and Jungkook knows he won't because Yoongi has never raised his voice at anyone, ever. Not when Hoseok left, not when Jungkook screamed and threw things and shouted profanities at his hyung, and definitely not now, when Jungkook is back after breaking everyone’s heart. He doesn't look good, Jungkook notes. His cheeks are way too sunken, his dyed platinum hair dull and falling against his skull uselessly, like a ghost of his former, vibrant self. Like the phantom Hoseok left in their memories, just a shade of what they used to be.

“Orchids,” Yoongi mused, picking at the flowers.

“They come in yellow?” Jungkook asks, genuinely surprised. He didn’t know what it was he picked, just that they are beautiful and that Hoseok would love them.

“Yeah.” Yoongi repeats with a small smile as his fingers run over the petals, “Orchids,” he laughs lightly, “fitting.”

“They’re for Hoseok,” Jungkook says, but immediately regrets it when Yoongi takes in a sharp breath. He’s panicking and manages to apologise, only to be cut off by Yoongi.

“Don’t.” Jungkook can’t get over how soft and quiet Yoongi’s voice is, so much more muted. Yoongi wasn’t quiet before by any means, no, he loved talking and taking charge of things a lot of the times, showing off as the hyung for them. This is new and it unsettles Jungkook deeply.

But Jungkook suddenly understands by Jimin and Namjoon were so careful with him when mentioning Hoseok because if Yoongi reacts like this at the slightest mention of him, who were they to assume Jungkook would be even remotely fine?

“Are you eating, hyung?” Jungkook asks, concerned. “Sleeping well? I hope you’re enjoying life.”

“That’s asking too much now,” Yoongi laughs. “I’m eating. I don’t remember the last time I cooked a homemade meal though. I used to enjoy cooking.” Because I enjoy seeing all your smiles when you enjoy my food. “I haven't finished a song in months. And the ones I have before were... dull. Not the type I sent out for a job.” And I won’t send out my old ones I wrote for you and Hobi. “Sleep... now that’s a thought. The bed is too cold all the time.” Without you or him or any of you six. “And I don’t remember the last time I woke up and the first thing I thought wasn’t I wouldn't mind not making it to the end of the day. So, in general, life’s good.”

Jungkook’s heart broke. “Hyung,” he whispers, moving forward in his seat. “Why aren't you living? What are you doing here?”

Anger flashes through his eyes, but not once does his volume rise, “How do you think a middle school graduate with neither charisma nor a will to live is going to get a job in this economy? I still had you but you left. You left us alone and you know what’s the worst part?” He leans over the table, closing in on Jungkook and making him lean back. “If it wasn't for Seokjin begging me to live every morning, I don’t think I would’ve made it out of bed.”

Why did Jungkook decide to do this to himself? Why did he think it would be a good idea to relive the best days of his life and suffer through the guilt getting heavier and heavier, that piles on his chest until he’s suffocating and buckling from the weight of it by meeting his hyungs? Why didn't he just go straight to see the love of his life for one moment and leave immediately so he doesn't have to come face to face with the people he’s hurt and the horrible mistakes he’s made?

“It’s ok, Kookie,” that snaps Jungkook out of his spiral and now he’s staring at Yoongi, tears in the corner of his eyes as his face is broken with pain and confusion. “I forgive you.”

How? Jimin and Seokjin’s words hit him—you don’t deserve to know what’s happening with Yoongi-hyung because you don’t deserve his forgiveness. Because they know that Yoongi still loves Jungkook the same way he had years before and he’s willing to forgive him for all the pain he’s put him through. How can Yoongi be so kind, so forgiving when all that Jungkook’s given him in return is heartbreak and the constant reminder that... that Hoseok left. That Hoseok left and he’s never coming back.

“Go, I’ll pay,” Yoongi says. “I’ve already gone to see Hoseok this morning. Come back, ok?”

Jungkook nods hurriedly, silent through the lump in his throat.

“Let’s gather our thoughts and words. Calm down. Come back and we can talk later. Tell me how you’ve been. Ok?”

Jungkook nods once again and stands up, the chair making a loud noise as it drags back against the floor, tears prickling. He turns to leave and pauses at Yoongi’s voice.

“Hey,” he says and Jungkook cranes his neck to meet Yoongi’s eyes, afraid to twist his whole body. “Come back, ok? Please don’t disappear again.”

When he’s running out of the shop, he’s breathing again and it comes in short pants, dry sobs as he picks up his pace. Wind whips past his face, stinging his cheeks and Jungkook cradles the flowers to his chest. How much courage would it have taken, how hard did Yoongi have to fight against his every instinct to make Jungkook stay? How painful was it to resist the urge to hold him tight so he’d never slip through his fingers again, not like he did with... with Hoseok.

When he reaches the garden, his breaths rip out of his chest in drags, coughing and thumping his ribs at the stinging sensation of too little oxygen.

It’s sunny, he realises. The rain has cleared the sky and Jungkook throws his head back to stare at the clear vibrant blue stretching out before him. A glassy sky, like those lazy summer days.

The garden is covered with emerald grass, green so beautiful and the exact shade of Hoseok’s favourite colour. Jungkook smiles, holding the flowers wistfully with both hands as he thinks of Hoseok spending his days in this garden, smiling up at the sky, bathing in a sunlight that has always looked good on him. He’d turn to look at Jungkook, who’s capturing the world around him on camera unlike how Taehyung captures moments in one fame, and a smile would bloom on his face as beautiful as the orchids. There are a few people around as well, doing the same thing Jungkook is—visiting someone.

Jungkook’s memorised where Hoseok always is in the garden and he walks slowly through the rows. Hoseok would tell him to do so, enjoy the beautiful day while it still is, it’s not everyday you’re in such a nice place with such nice weather. You won’t know when the last time is. Jungkook supposes Hoseok wouldn't have known when his last time was either.

“Hello,” Jungkook calls out as he comes to a stop before Hoseok.

1994-2017.

Hoseok’s picture sits next to his grave, the same one Seokjin took under a glassy sky and Jungkook gave Hoseok for white day, his grin forever burned into existing memory. Jungkook smiles and sits down before him, careful not to bump into another grave behind him. “How are you?”

Hoseok would smile and tell him that life is good. That life was amazing and he hoped that Jungkook’s wasn't derailed by him leaving so soon. He would ask what Jungkook has been up to.

“I wasn’t going to move from Busan, you know,” Jungkook starts. “I’ve kind of built a life there. Met all the locals and tried just about every job you can find. There’s this really nice lady who always takes morning walks on the beach and I would greet her whenever I went for a run. I didn't know her son was the CEO of a conglomerate and they offered to put my degree to good use.”

Hoseok would marvel and tell him that’s great! 

“I saw Yoongi hyung. Did you know Joonie-hyung and Jimin-hyung are together now?”

Hoseok would sputter in surprise.

“I think they live together and... ah, wouldn’t that be nice. Waking up to each other’s face every morning. Falling asleep in each other’s arms every night,” Jungkook’s voice trails off as he looks down at the flowers.

“I got this for you!” Jungkook says and looks up to Hoseok’s frozen smile. “Orchids. Yoongi said it was fitting, but...” His hands come up to scratch his cheek and he falters as they come away wet.

He takes a deep breath and a gust of wind goes through the garden, blowing on his damp face and making him aware of the warm stream of tears running from his eyes, a clear contrast with the cold wind. The flowers drop to the ground and a strangled noise comes out of his throat.

He misses Hoseok. He wants Hoseok here with him, wants him to hold him and tell him it’s alright and that he doesn't have to cry anymore. He wants Hoseok, he wants to see him, wants to wake up next to him the way Jimin likely wakes up to Namjoon, he wants to tell Hoseok about his job and his day and see the way his reaction sparks across expression.

Jungkook’s forehead presses to the ground as he cries, wrangles sounds stuttering out of his throat, the lump coming free and bursting through the dam.

He wants to hold hands with Hoseok on the street again, wants to cuddle on the couch after a bad day, wants to hear Hoseok’s laugh like his favourite song again, wants to go on skyscraper dates and look over the city, wants to kiss in a chicken shop, wants to hang out in the abandoned swimming pool, wants to play in the rain, wants to love Hoseok because he misses him so goddamn much, and wants to not wake up every day in a world without him, that horrible daily realisation that he’s never going to see Hoseok smile again because he’s never coming back.

Hoseok would tell him it’s ok, the same soft way Yoongi did. He would rub circles into his back and smile.

“I can’t even talk to you normally,” Jungkook whispers as he raises his head. “How am I supposed to live without you.”

Hoseok would just look at him sadly and tell him he’s only a small part of his life.

“But you’re everything,” Jungkook’s voice is a broken whisper. “I... I’m living, hyung, but...”

He wipes his face with his damp jacket and pulls his cap off as he sits back up.

“I’ve got a boyfriend now,” Jungkook smiles, though tears and snot are still running down his chin. “You’d love him. He’s funny and his smile is beautiful. I thought I’d be alone forever you know, because the only person I've ever loved was you. When you were gone I thought to myself, how would I be able to love like that again when it’s not you? I couldn’t even imagine it.”

Jungkook laughs and Hoseok would smile along with him.

“I don’t love him the same way I loved you—still love you. But thank you hyung,” Jungkook takes in a deep breath and lays the flowers down, “for everything. For being my first love. For teaching me to have fun and live and care for myself. For loving me the way no one else had.”

Hoseok would plant a kiss on his lips and Jungkook yearns for the taste, the memory of their lips brushing a forefront as he thinks that.

“I think I’ll stay here,” Jungkook says, “I miss them, you know. My boyfriend would move here as well—he’s always hated Busan,” Jungkook laughs. “And I’ll see Yoongi-hyung often. I’ll go out to eat with Seokjin-hyung every week. I’ll go watch Jimin-hyung dancing and I’ll attend Namjoonie-hyung’s talks. I’ll be here when Tae-hyung gets back and we’ll play games together.”

Hoseok would tell him that’s wonderful.

Jungkook looks at Hoseok’s smile again and his heart aches once again like it never stopped. That pain tells him it’s still beating, that he’s still breathing and even without Hoseok, he’s still alive. “I miss you so much, hyung.”

I miss you too, Jungkookie.

He sniffs and stands up. “I’ll come back, ok? You won’t be lonely here, ok? I promise.”

Wind blows through the garden, the cemetery.

Jungkook clasps his hands in prayer then turns to leave. “I love you hyung. And Taehyungie says he misses you as well.”

The flowers are a bright, glowing yellow, a drop of sun under the glassy blue sky.