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English
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Part 1 of to fly would be euphoria (yet i'm anchored to the ground)
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Published:
2020-04-08
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2,795
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1/1
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aesthetic? more like ass-pathetic

Summary:

everything goes wrong, everything is fuzzy and he can't breathe so he makes every dumb choice he could think of. at least he's happy now.

Notes:

This is the song it's based off
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYnSiSJqFyM
enjoy! :)
tw for self-harm, panic attacks and implied suicide.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

I used to hate the sand

 

They stood on the beach. A smile stretched wide on their faces. Freckles contorted, a pale rose like blush covering his cheeks. The ash-blond stared longingly at the greenette. It was a casual relationship, non-committal. A date every so often, a makeout session and stolen kisses. It wasn’t supposed to be anything more. Yet the pair of rivals had fallen for the other’s polar opposite attitude. Pride got in the way of the aggressive boy’s confession and worry came in the way of the timid boy’s confession. Dagobah municipal beach, Midoriya’s happiest memories were made here. Training for a quality he yearned for, a solution to an abusive issue. Where he finally got to feel the love of a proud father. They stopped at the midpoint of the beach, crimson eyes met emerald green. That’s when the words slipped from his lips “Be mine, be my boyfriend.” Another happy memory on the sand, the grainy flooring he had come to love.

 

Now all I want is to be buried in it

 

Coarse, grainy sand smothered between his toes. The itching of the dry and trodden grains that stuck in his shorts, no matter how hard he tried to dust it off. Tears cascaded down his cheeks. His once happy and contagious smile replaced with a repressed expression that he had forgotten since he had joined the prestigious school. He felt like that small, meek, useless boy again. He felt like a true Deku. The overwhelming feeling of impending danger fell on him as if his lungs were about to collapse. Short and shallow breaths followed. Green haired and heartbroken, that oppressed feeling of darkness, a place he had forgotten had overcome him. His melancholy thoughts were overridden by rage. He was angry. Angry at the world. Angry at the betrayal of one of his friends. Enraged at his cheating asshole of an ex-boyfriend.

 

I used to hate holding your hand

 

Weeks passed by. Midoriya and Bakugou’s relationship had become nothing more than a six-month-long fling. The class dismissed the fact that the arrogant ash-blond had an affair with his best friend no less. Kirishima’s grin hadn’t faltered since the beginning of his newfound relationship. I̶z̶u̶k̶u̶'̶s̶  Deku’s stomach tumbled and his eyes burned, vision blurred as he caught sight of K̶a̶c̶c̶h̶a̶n̶'̶s̶  Bakugou’s hand in Kirishima’s. That stewing and bubbling of white-hot rage that boiled in the pit of his stomach, a new yet comforting emotion. They had never done that. Even when they were “official”. The crimson eyed boy detested hand holding yet here he was with his new love, hand in hand, soft smiles that made Midoriya sick.

 

But I took my skin for granted

 

Midoriya’s weekend schedule was no longer busy. The dates that used to fill his calendar with pink hearts that were coloured in with cheap highlighter were nowhere to be seen on his All Might calendar. Sleep was no longer a necessity as the nighttime seemed to be the voices turn to lash him with hurtful words and intrusive thoughts. No one batted an eye at the freckled boy’s deteriorating health. The nights he’d skipped dinner to avoid seeing them, he steered clear of the cafeteria for the same reason. He couldn’t stomach the sight of those two together. 3:00 am was flashing in red on the All Might themed alarm clock. A bout of insomnia had hit him like a freit train, his head screamed at him. Useless. Quirkless. Defenceless. A real Deku. Not Dekiru. No longer a positive “you can do it!” from his best friend but, a quirkless nobody who was nothing but a waste of space. Lifting the clock off the desk, a silver blade shimmered in the moonlight. Removing the tape off his masked razor, he drew the silver against his pale, freckled arms. Beads of red seeped out of his already scarred arms. Marks and scars marred his delicate skin. Reminders of his past and present teenage hurt.

I love the ocean

 

Long sleeve in the summer became a common occurrence. His class didn’t bother to question it. It was as if he didn’t exist anymore. Did he swap quirks with Hagakure? Was he the invisible one? A reward was given to 1-A, a beach day. To congratulate them for surviving from one too many villain attacks throughout the year. Worry and judgement clouded his thoughts. A beach meant swimming, which inevitably ended in a revealing swimsuit. Fear that his scars would be revealed to the world, to his class. He let his anxious thoughts crawl under his skin like an unwanted ant infestation. Beach day arrived sooner than he thought. Aizawa-sensei was there along with Mic-sensei and Midnight-sensei. His unbridled anxiety soared through the roof as he removed his long sleeve top. ‘Ignored, invisible’ he thought, his class didn’t seem to notice his evergrowing collection of self-made scars on his arms. Forgetting the existence of his teachers and their horrified expressions as they witnessed his gallery of burn marks and self-inflicted wounds that wrapped around his arms and torso. Quickly lathering sunscreen on his arms and body, he hopped into the ocean and attempted to enjoy the trip.

 

Only cause you were there

 

That feeling had returned. A taste of bile filled his mouth, a pit grew in his stomach akin an intense wave of never-ending sadness. He couldn’t bear to hear their cheerful laughs, they had forgotten about him. He was nothing. He was no one. Despite that wave of sudden intense emotions, it felt right. It felt right to not exist. It felt right to just disappear. His want of a sudden disappearance had intensified as Bakugou and Kirishima had decided to have a full-blown makeout session in front of his eyes. Rays of sun hit his back, he looked down at the ocean blue, so deep and loving. He wanted to leave. He wanted to disappear. He wanted death to open her arms and give a welcoming hug because that was the one place he would fit in. By death’s side. The depth of the water was ever intriguing. He wanted to reach the bottom and never surface. So he complied with the urge. Diving deep into the cool and attentive arms of the ocean. He forgets about the surface. Black spots arriving in his vision as death was about to take him back home. 

 

When you heard of the news

 

Moments had passed yet he never once saw the reaper, he felt his eyes peel open as he violently coughed out water. He had failed. Pushing himself upright, he sees that his teachers and classmates had surrounded him. Seething rage took over. After ignoring him, acting as if he didn’t exist, as if he disappeared, they finally cared when he tried to do the one thing they wanted out of the emerald-eyed boy. Aizawa spoke up, asking him in a stern and commanding tone. “Midoriya, why did you do that?” Why had he tried to disappear? Why he couldn’t have one thing he wanted in his life? He trembled, everyone, expected the boy to burst out in tears like he usually would at any form of adversity. Anger that once settled in his stomach flew up to his vocal cords. A malicious chuckle left his mouth, widened eyes around him. “Why?” it stared off meek and timid. “ WHY? ” His tone and volume intensified into something hair-raising. “ Everywhere I look, no matter where I am, I can never get the one thing I ever wanted. ” Classmates looked at him with dismissive eyes and the teachers with unidentified worry. That day, his former friends berated him for his selfishness and jealousy. Past their hurtful words and heartfelt insults stood three worried and clueless teachers alongside a certain half-and-half boy who feared for the reckless boy’s mental and physical health.

 

You weren’t even scared

 

Scars only grew faster after the incident. He took the liberty of crossing out his bucket list early. His heart soared when he sky-dived for the first and last time. A real smile came to his face when he fulfilled his dream of getting a provisional hero license. He had taken a scuba diving class to see the wonders of the ocean. The thrill of bungee jumping. He felt less useless when he donated blood. His once dull and bleak weekends that were filled with intrusive and borderline suicidal thoughts were filled with joy in his last few weeks on this earth. His last wish on his bucket list was more illegal than the rest. A previous pipe-dream that could be possible with the help of a student in the gen-ed course. To drink and to get a tattoo on a drunken night out with his most trusted friend.

 

I wanna scoop out my cheeks

 

To say the least, Shinsou was shocked to see Midoriya at his dorm room holding a tattoo gun. Despite his confusion, Shinsou noticed the dark bags under his eyes and the red puffiness that comes after a hell of a lot of crying. He knew he could use some of the liquor he kept to ease him to sleep some nights when sleep never came to him. After two cups of god knows what was in his cup, the green-haired boy was drunk enough to have told the indigo boy of all of his problems. The cheating, the overwhelming need to disappear and completing his bucket list so he could end his life on his terms. Hitoshi sat there, sober and shocked. Before he could say anything, the freckled boy pulled out the tattoo gun and asked the insomniac to tattoo whatever he wanted, wherever he wanted. He decides to put it on his right collarbone, “PEACH PIT, WHERE’D THE HOURS GO?” in bold cursive letters. They both laughed the night away, it was the first time in a long time that Midoriya didn’t feel like Deku, he felt like Dekiru when he was around the indigo boy. His ironic lavender smelling body that lulled them both to sleep. Never once did what the emerald-eyed boy said left the insomniac’s mind, he held the smaller boy close and snuggled into the smell of his vanilla shampoo.

 

So you cant pinch them anymore

 

Laughing at last week’s memories was what he did whilst writing all his Letters. He had so many to write. One for his whole class to explain why he had done what he was planning to do. One to 1-A’s favourite power-couple telling them what he was put through at the hands of their hedonistic affair. One to Iida and Uraraka, thanking them for being his first friends after a decade of isolation and questioning why they acted like he didn’t exist.  One to Mei, thanking her for her countless upgrades to a costume he had come to love, with an additional apology that he won’t be using it anymore. One to Aizawa, reassuring him that his death was not his fault and that he wanted this and thanking him for actually being a great teacher in comparison to his middle school teachers. One for All Might with nothing but a bundle of his hair and a small note. One to Todoroki, thanking him for being one of his guiding lights in his darkest days, telling him not to abandon his fire and to nurture it as his own, to proclaim that he had loved the boy and for him to go to Shinsou after his death. Of course one for Shinsou, thanking him for everything, for the late-night drinks and the funny tattoo that he loved, confessing that he would never be a villain and that the unbridled love that he harboured for both him and the dual-quirk wielder. That night, he managed to get a good night sleep as to soothe his cramped hand.

 

I want to add to my legs

 

He wishes he was taller so the view from the roof of heights alliance looked less daunting. In nothing but his pyjama bottoms, torso exposed for the world to see. He nervously traces the tattoo on his collar bone. He was excited for the drop. To finally be free, to be home. Cold tiles on his bare feet, he brought his body to the edge. He could finally be free. Finally, fit in. Be one with the stars.

 

And be as tall as the morgue

 

Dry-eyed and tired, the man sat at the desk grading papers. The back of his mind raced as he remembered the beach incident from a few weeks ago. He felt a migraine coming on whilst marking Ashido's then Kaminari’s quiz and giving both of them a D. They both barely passed. Short-lived relief washed over him as the next paper he was grading was Iida’s. Checking the newly installed cameras, the greasy teacher noticed a figure standing dangerously close to the edge. A short boy with wild, curly hair and broad shoulders. Midoriya. 

 

I want the fat in my arms to melt off my bones

 

Opening the roof door gently as not to startle the boy who stood on the ledge. A soft call of his name, followed by a softer hum, his back still turned to the teacher. The ravenette took out his phone, opened the staff chat. A cryptic message was sent, “Come to the roof. Check cameras. No all might.” Aizawa worried for the resident problem child, he couldn’t stomach the thought of a student of his taking their own life in front of his eyes. The student spoke softly “Aizawa-sensei, please let me do this. I left you a letter explaining everything. Please let me jump.” Never before in his 31 years of life had the man heard something so heartbreaking. The freckled boy had come to terms with death, he voice never wavered with fear nor did it break with sadness. It was just soft and subtly reassuring.

 

And my stomach to fall out right onto the floorboard

 

The boy danced on the edge as if life and death was an intricate yet careless ballet routine. Soft, happy chuckles left his body. He couldn’t help but to be happy. Confusion clouded the homeroom teacher’s mind. His student twirling on the fine line between the living and the dead. Two other teachers had joined his side, a cockatoo-like teacher who was abnormally quiet and the sadistic teacher wearing sweatpants paired with an oversized tee, very different from her usual style. “Little listener, can you come away from the edge?” the blond spoke gently, hand sweating nervously. It was so strange for the green-haired boy to hear his teacher acting so differently. Midnight wind swept through the air, moonlight shone down on the four, when the greenette spoke, “I’m sorry. Please take the letters from my room, hand them out. Don’t be sad. Smile for me, okay? ”

 

Arms, legs, gut, face, all of the things you love but I hate

 

Closer to the edge. Shouts from the teachers fell on deaf ears. Arms spread out, hands to the air and a real smile on his face. A real laugh left his lips, loud and cheerful. “Don’t miss me too much.” He leaned back and let the wind take him.

 

Arms, legs, gut, face, all of the things you will never see again

 

The wind flew through his hair, eyes closed he saw a woman with a motherly smile and a mole under her bottom lip, “Don’t worry Ninth, you did so well. We’re all so proud of you.” There stood six other people, welcoming their ninth user with nothing but love.

 

Arms, legs, gut, face, all of the things you love but I hate

 

That was where he belonged, with them. With their love. He couldn’t wait to join them.

 

Arms, legs, gut, face, everything you will never see again

 

The trio of teachers looked over the edge. It seemed so surreal like time was slowing down. They saw his warm smile. Their dams broke as tears rushed down their cheeks.

 

Arms, legs, gut, face, all of the things you love but I hate

 

The rest of the staff were too far to reach him. His body falling through the air. As if he belonged there, to fly and be free. Nezu never really understood human emotions until now, his ears flopped down as he and the rest of the staff cried together.

 

Arms, legs, gut, face, all of the things you will never see again

 

The erasure hero threw his capture weapon over the edge, to catch his beloved problem child.

 

Arms, legs, gut, face, all of the things you love but I hate

 

Finally, Midoriya “Deku” Izuku was free.

 

Arms, legs, gut, face, all of the things you will never see again

Notes:

Part two is here...