Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Day 10

It was hard. She had moved on, but I was still wallowing in these constant “what-ifs.” What if I had forgiven her? What if she had never actually done it? What if we tried again? What if she was my true love? What if her love had been real? What if mine was the love that had been untrue?

So many what if’s but none of them helped when I saw her walk by holding his hand. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists until my knuckles were white. When she was out of sight, I took a deep breath, and moved in the opposite direction. It was over. I couldn’t do anything to change that.

Day 30

I got a new girlfriend. My friends said it would help me get over her. But I don’t see Sierra when we go on a date. Instead of the long, blonde hair, I see short, soft brown. Instead of the brown eyes that narrow at me when she asks if I’m paying attention, I see green eyes laughing. I can’t help but compare them.

Sierra is nice. There’s nothing wrong with her. It’s all me. Why do I keep lingering over someone that I can’t have?

I haven’t deleted her messages, and I scrolled through them after the disastrous third date with Sierra. I missed her. How could I ever forget her? There hadn’t been much closer after everything.

But I had to. If I kept holding on, what would become of me? Taking a deep breath, I deleted the messages.

Day 0

She came up to me today. I smiled, just expecting an ordinary conversation, but her hands were trembling. Tears prickled at her eyes, and my smile disappeared. I asked her what was wrong, and she asked me to sit.

She took a few deep breaths, brushing the tears that were threatening to fall before she dropped the bomb on me. “I kissed Micheal yesterday – no more than that.” I froze before grinning. This was a joke. Before I could say as much, she shook her head. “I didn’t mean to. I was just - we were hanging out, and then it just happened. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” The grin fell, and I stood up and left the room.

I just left her. I couldn’t talk. She called after me. “Lucas, please wait!” But I ignored her. I couldn’t think around her. I never could; I was so in love, but I needed to think. So I needed to get away.

What do I do?

Day 16

Nothing has gotten better. I spent the last week in my apartment without leaving. My friends have called and texted, worried over me. I texted back, so that they knew I was alive, but it hasn’t been a good week.

She blocked me on Instagram. I don’t know why. Maybe he told her to. I thought I was over her, but this just made everything come back. Was it my fault? Was it like Micheal had said? Had I chased her away?

If it was my fault, do I even deserve to move on?

Day 3

Micheal told me that it wasn’t sex. Just a “bit of messing around.” That if I had been a better lover, she wouldn’t have had to seek affection elsewhere. I punched him.

I know I shouldn’t have. I know I should just get over it. She told me about it. Neither of them hid it, but I couldn’t help the anger.

I broke up with her yesterday. I couldn’t write about it then. The pages just kept getting ruined. I – I don’t know what to do. Everyone tells me to move on. Delete her number, her insta, her everything, and just let her go. But can I do it?

Fuck.

This is hard.

Day 100

I followed her again on insta. She looks happy. She’s not with Micheal, and for some reason, that makes me fell vindicated. I haven’t talked to her since the break-up nor Micheal since I punched him. It hasn’t felt like the time. But I think I’ll be okay.

I think I’m recovering.

Day 15

I was at the hospital yesterday. Derrik found me in the bathroom staring at a razor, and they were worried about me. But I wouldn’t do that. She’s not worth it. They’re not worth it. Still, I went with them to settle their worries. Because I actually care about people.

Derrik wants me to talk to someone about my feelings. But I can’t, so I’m pouring them into this journal. This journal that she gave me. How do I even move on from this when I’m still using her gifts? I should just burn it.

But I can’t.

Day 365

Last year, we broke up. Today, I spoke to her for the first time since then. We talked about life in general before we finally brought up our past. I told her how much I had been hurt. She apologized again, and this time, her apology didn’t hurt. It feels as if a weight has left my shoulders. “It’s fine. I loved you, but it’s over now.” She looked even more guilty at that, and I did my best to assure her that I was over it.

I still haven’t reached out to Micheal, and I don’t think I ever will. He argued that he hadn’t done anything wrong. That if I had loved her enough, she wouldn’t have looked for affection elsewhere. I know better than to rise to that kind of taunt now but thinking about it still boils my blood.

I loved her. I loved her with everything that I had. But that’s done. She broke my heart, and I mended it. On my own. I think it’s time for me to stop punishing myself for this. I’m worth more than that.

I can move on.

Chapter Text

We had been friends since diapers, and it’s hard for me to really figure out where everything went wrong. I knew, even as we glared at each other across the cafeteria, that somewhere deep down, I still held that affection that we used to share. It was just hard to access these days, almost impossible.

Some days, it felt as if the entire school knew about our feud. “It started when Arianna stole Jess’ boyfriend,” some whispered in back halls.
“She didn’t steal him; he just broke up with Jess and then went after Arianna.”
“Because she was secretly texting him nudes.”

These kinds of rumors were a headache to deal with back when the whole boyfriend scandal was going on, but I had never dated Pat anyway, so Jess had no leg to stand on over that rumor. Patrick was a snake, just like the rest of them. He had been the one to spread the rumor that I had sent him nudes. He’d even created some photoshopped images to spread around. The principal had gotten involved; it had been a whole thing. I was just glad we’d been able to clear it up before it spread around and damaged my chances at college.

Others said that our feud was due to the argument we had at the homecoming after party. “Arianna’s upset that Jess won because Jess told her that she was dropping out.”
“Jess never would have dropped out. I can’t believe anyone would believe that.”
“It’s not like homecoming princess is even that important.”

I didn’t want some plastic crown. Our argument had involved the crown, but it wasn’t over it. Jess had tweeted some passive aggressive shit about me, and I called her out on it in person.

“You’re just jealous that you will never have a chance to be where I am because you’re such a slut.”

I narrowed my eyes at the accusation. “At least I’m not an attention seeking whore,” I spat back. Jess shrieked wordlessly, and it wasn’t the first time she reminded me of a baby bird. I smirked, and she grew even more angry with me. More words were exchanged, and I can’t remember who said what, but there were a lot of allusions to secrets that we kept on each other. It ended with a “Fuck you.” “No, fuck you.”

From there, things just got worse. But that wasn’t where it had started. Things hadn’t been good with us for a while. We had just pretended everything was fine until it blew up.

Our first fight had been in kindergarten, but our parents had forced us passed that, and I think Jess had forgiven me for hitting her with the toy dump truck when I hit her bully with the same truck a week later. From there, we had spats, same as other kids. There was a month when we were ten that I refused to speak to her because she had told Ted that I liked him.

She was right, but I hadn’t wanted her to say anything. I forgave her when she begged me to come on her birthday trip, so that she would be stuck with her brother.

She didn’t talk to me for weeks when we were twelve when I confessed that I had a crush on her brother. She felt it was a betrayal of our friendship. Maybe that was where it had first gone wrong.

I don’t know. I can’t know. All I know is that nothing will ever be the same again. Jess and I were done. I bumped her shoulder as I walked past her to the table that I took lunch at now. Our friends had chosen sides, but I knew they could easily change their minds. High school was nothing but manipulation in order to not drown in society’s expectations. I would be glad to leave it behind.

Chapter Text

I woke up groggily and looked around. I couldn’t remember exactly what had happened, but I knew it had been the best day I had had in a while. Since, well, since I had broken up with Mark. My whole world had gone dark, even though I had initiated it. But Kevin was crazy. I met him four months after the break up.

His smile was the first thing I noticed. Slightly crooked, like he was in on a joke the rest of the world didn’t know. I was drawn to it, so I moved next to him at the bar. “Hey,” he said, and his voice made me fall even harder. We talked, exchanged numbers, and met up several times after that.

I took every chance I could to hang out. Some of my friends told me I seemed desperate, but that was probably because I was desperate. With him, I felt more me than I’d been for a long while. More alive, more genuine. I loved the way he made me feel. And maybe I loved him too.

“Adrien, you okay, dude?” That silky voice. I blinked and yawned as I sat up. Kevin’s eyes were narrowed in concern and I summoned up a grin before wincing.

“Just hung over, I think.” He nodded, and handed me a drink, which I downed despite the horrid taste.

“You may have overdone it.”

“Yeah, maybe.” I said, swinging my legs off of the bed. This was not my apartment, and I didn’t remember how I’d gotten there. I frowned. “Where are we?”

“Well, I wasn’t about to leave you shitfaced at the bar by yourself.” He chuckled as he spoke. “And I don’t know where you live, so I brought you to my place.” I nodded and did my best to keep my face from betraying my embarrassment. “You went straight to the bathroom last night. But I was able to convince you to lay down once it was all out.” The blush exploded over my face. I felt it heat up immediately. I had puked in front of him. I would never be able to live it down. “But hey, I like hanging out with you too. I’m glad you love it so much.”

“Did I say that?” I moaned, my face in my hands. “I’m so sorry. I never meant to make you uncomfortable.”

“Don’t worry, dude. It’s all good.” I groaned. Why was he such a perfect guy? “If you’re not feeling well, you can stay here. I’ll leave the spare key, but I’ve got to get to work. Feel free to eat something.”

I could not stay in his apartment without him around. Talk about awkward. “No,” I said, “I should get home.” He nodded, and I stood up, fumbling around to find my shoes. After I’d stuffed them on, I turned back to him. “Well, thanks for looking out for me.”

“Anytime.” I closed the door after I stepped out and breathed heavily. Anytime, he’d said. God I hope this never happened again. Still, I smiled as I walked home, unable to wipe the goofy grin from my face.

Chapter Text

My shift started at noon, but I pulled up at 12:03 and scrambled out of my car, jamming the hat on my head. I had changed out of my other uniform into this one in the bathroom. I had thought I had time to enjoy a cup of coffee before heading over here, but traffic had been bad on the 10.

I dashed into the back door after locking my car door. Tyler, who was the manager on duty, rolled her eyes at me from the back office. “You’re late, Brian.” I waved at her as I made my way to clock in. I strapped one of the aprons on and headed to the drive through window.

Mario smiled gratefully when I showed up. He finished up the order he’d been working on and handed over the food and change to the women waiting at the window. I glanced at the queue outside and winced. I motioned at the headset on Mario, and he nodded and pressed a button before taking the next order. He wouldn’t be able to leave until the line was gone, regardless of when he was scheduled off. Company policy.

Once he started repeating the order, I began gathering it up and setting up drinks to be filled. The line was finished in my first hour, and Mario finally took his leave. I wiped down the headset before putting it on over my hat. I would be working the drive-through alone for the next hour or so, and then there was someone scheduled to come in just before the dinner rush started at four.

There were very few customers between 1:30 and 3:30, but right around 3:25, he showed up.

I didn’t know him personally, and I’d never met him. Still, I recognized his voice from videos my ex had posted. The classic southern drawl wasn’t common here. His laugh was quite distinctive. “Can you here me?” I shook my head and forced myself back into customer service mode. I couldn’t lose this job. I needed it to stay caught up on child support.

Seeing him in person was jarring. He pulled up to the window and I handed him his drink, straining to force a smile on my face. He stared at me as I counted ran his card, his brow furrowed. Then, his expression changed, and he was all smiles. “Hey, Brian, is that you? Cassie’s ex?” I frowned and handed the car back.

“I’m sorry. There’s no personal conversation allowed on the job.”

“I didn’t know you worked here. Does Cassie know? Does Liam?” I flinched at my son’s name and glared at him this time, gritting my teeth and repeating myself.

“Yeah, but you know who I am, don’t you?” I walked away from the window and handed him his food, along with his receipt, doing my best to ignore his further attempts to engage me in conversation.

“Well, I’ll tell Liam I saw his dad.”

“Don’t!” I glared at him, and he raised an eyebrow. “Don’t tell them that I’m working here.”

He smirked. “Ashamed are you? Well, it’s no big deal. It’s good to see you working. Everyone’s got to start somewhere?” I watched him drive off, mouth agape. The creep was four years my junior, working at his daddy’s company, and he had the gall to treat me like that? I dug my fingernails into the palms of my hands, forcing myself to look back to the screen. Pushing a button on the headset, I began to take the next order.

I couldn’t stand that guy.

Chapter Text

I fell to my knees, unable to stand any longer, and gulped down as much air as I could, trying to catch my breath. I looked around me. All my comrades – my friends – were either collapsed in exhaustion, dead, or struggling to hold on. They were all in the same exact situation. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. We were to good guys, fighting the invaders from our land. Forcing them back, and not allowing them to overrun anyone else.

How had it come to this? That we were being pushed to the center of our lands. There were so many people that we’d already left behind. How could we keep fighting now? So many were gone, dead, lost. Whatever words you wanted to use, we would never see them again. What was the point of going on? I blocked a sword that swung towards my face and slashed back with a scream, slicing through the enemy’s neck.

I struggled back to my feet and looked around at the desolate battlefield. Why was I still fighting? What was worth protecting now? My sword arm hung limply at my side. “Mikhail!” I heard behind me and turned just in time to see an axe coming down towards me. I stumbled backwards, tripping over my own feet.

Someone shoved me out of the way, and I rolled a few feet before stopping. I swung my head around towards where I had stood. “Ansel,” I breathed the name just as the ax broke through his sword. “No!” I yelled, leaping up and killing the man wielding the ax before turning to my friend. “Ansel, stay with me.” I struggled under his weight and sank to my knees once more. “Please, Ansel.”

“Mikhail…” His voice was barely audible, and his breaths were slowing. I tried to shush him, to stop him from speaking. It would only make his wounds worse. “You have to go. You have to warn the general. We can’t hold them out. Get the young lord out of the castle. He can’t die here. You must… protect him.”

He forced the words out despite my protests, and I shook my head, angrily wiping my tears away. “I can’t leave you.”

“You have to.” He gripped my shoulder with a blood-soaked hand. “Go, Mikhail. You’re the only one who can. Survive. Get them out. Please. The family can’t die, even if their lands are taken.”

He pushed away from me, stumbling to the ground, and clutching at his wounds once more. He struggled to his feet, somehow able to stand, even with the large gash in his shoulder. “Go, Mikhail,” he said once more. “And may the light of the Goddess shine upon you.”

I nodded, scrubbing at my face, and got to my feet. Despite everything in me telling me to stay, to fight to the death with all my friends, with my captain, I struggled passed enemies that had broken our lines. Somehow, I made it off the battlefield and found a horse. I swung up into the abandoned saddle and chanced on last look at them.

I could feel more tears coming on, so I rubbed my face and turned away quickly. I had to go home. I had to warn them.

Chapter Text

I wiped away my tears before someone could come find me and left the bathroom stall. I caught sight of my red eyes in the mirror and grimaced. I pulled my brown hair out from behind my ears and framed it around my face to try and help detract from the sight. I had to get to class.

Throughout the rest of the day, I felt that everyone was staring at me, and I wondered if I looked even worse than I had thought. I really didn’t want to have to talk to anyone about this. No one else would really get it; I didn’t really get it.

I scurried out of my last class, eyes on the ground, and tried to avoid anyone who would ask questions. I was not successful. “Woah, Mary, what’s wrong?” I shook my head. If I tried to talk about it, I would just cry more.

“It looks like you’ve been crying all day. I heard from Devin that she heard someone sobbing in the bathroom at lunch. Was that you?” I nodded, letting my shoulders sag. He wasn’t going to give up, but I still didn’t want to talk about it. I let Parker guide me to an empty classroom and push me gently into a seat. I still didn’t look up at him.

“Hey, Mary. What do you need?” I looked up finally, in surprise. He didn’t ask me to talk about it again. His smile hurt a little. Parker was a good guy, too good of a guy sometimes. “I know it can be hard to express what hurts when it’s not something physical, so what do you need to feel better? Is there anything at all I can do to help?”

I shrugged. I couldn’t really think of anything. I just wanted to go home and cry it out. “I’m sorry,” I said, instead of voicing this desire. “This is really dumb.”

“No, it’s not.” Parker’s smile was gone from his face as he knelt next to me. “Feelings are not dumb. They’re unpredictable, uncontrollable, sometimes irritating. But feeling is not dumb. It’s what makes us human, after all.” There was that crooked smile again, and I knew it would hurt to see it, but I liked staring at it anyway.

“I just want to go home,” I whispered, and Parker nodded, pulling me up.

“I’ll make sure no one else bothers you then. Come on.” I followed him without protest. I hadn’t expected this reaction. He stayed with me to my locker where I picked up the things I needed to take with me, to the bus stop where he waved people away if they tried to talk to me, and he even sat next to me on the bus, putting me against the window so that fewer people had access. He walked me to my house from my bus stop, even though he usually gets off earlier. He never said a thing the whole time.

At my door, I lingered as he walked down to the sidewalk. “Thanks!” I finally called just as he reached it. He looked up and grinned, waving as he did so.

Chapter Text

“You said your father was a famous director.” The words were thrown back into my face. I didn’t think such a little lie would hurt someone so much.

“You said your mother was an Italian fashion designer.” I hadn’t meant to tell so many lies; I just wanted people to like me. If I wasn’t interesting, they would have no reason to pay attention.

“You said we were friends.” I had thought we were, but maybe that was a lie to. I rubbed tears that threatened to fall from my eyes and wrapped my arms around my chest as the shouting continued.

“You said you would never lie to me.” I hadn’t meant to. It wasn’t intentional. I knew I needed to stop, but I didn’t know how to.

“You said you were looking for a job. You promised me you would actually find one this time.” I couldn’t find words to respond. I couldn’t stop the shame from filling my face, and her eyes, full of disgust, bored into me. I raised my hands to put them to my ears. I couldn’t keep listening.

Still, one more statement made it to me ears before I blocked them out, this one quieter, much rawer than the others. “You said you loved me.”

And maybe that was the biggest lie I had ever told.

Chapter Text

Her pleasant façade broke for a single moment as irritation flashed across her face. Then, her fake smile was plastered back on her face. I raised an eyebrow. “Is something wrong?” I asked. She shook her head.

“No, nothing’s wrong.” She laughed. “What would be wrong?” I had gotten the feeling for the passed month that something was building up in Emily. She was getting more easily irritable, spending more time alone, and overall she had just been different.

“Did Aiden do something again?” I rolled my eyes as I spoke. Her boyfriend of two months had been a source of arguments between the two of us for a while, but I couldn’t not bring him up. I just wanted her to be happy, and he didn’t make her happy. He was a pretty boy, but not good for her.

“No, Lily, it has nothing to do with Aiden.” The smile was gone again, and this time she didn’t even try to wipe the irritation from her face. “It’s you. Did we have to do this today? Aiden wanted to go to the beach.”

I frowned. “We do this every year, Em. We’ve never missed Pamper Prom.” The name was a relic from when we were ten, but we still both used it. I hadn’t thought there was a problem, but Emily snorted.

“Don’t you think we’re a bit too old to call it that. Aiden says it makes us sound like children. For god’s sake, Lily, we’re 25. Grow up.”

I cast my eyes to the ground, biting back an angry response. “If you didn’t want to come, you should have just said so.” I turned around, heading out of the mall and back to the car. “Get in,” I said, “I’ll take you home. We can just forget about it.”

Emily looked shocked at my reaction, then she scowled again. “Why are you throwing a tantrum? We’re already here. Let’s just get it over with.”

“This isn’t something I just want to ‘get over with’!” I shouted, ignoring the few rude looks I got from strangers around us. “This is about maintaining our friendship, keeping up with each other. We’re adults, I know that. We don’t get to see each other on a regular basis anymore, so I wanted to keep up this tradition just so that we wouldn’t lose touch, but if it’s not something you want, if our friendship isn’t worth a measly trip to the nail salon and then the hair salon before hitting up a bar, then we just shouldn’t do it.”

Emily was silent for a moment, the sneer on her face dropping. Then came the tears. “It’s not that. God, Lily, I’m sorry. It’s just that Aiden – “

“Why is it always about Aiden?” I muttered and walked around the car to her.

“Aiden got mad when I told him I was going out. I just – I don’t know what to do anymore.” I looked up at her, letting her words sink in, and finally came to a realization about her relationship.

Chapter Text

It started slowly. So slowly, we barely noticed. A drop here and a drop there. We wiped them away, joking about how clear the skies were for there to be any rain. Our smiles bright on our faces as we dashed into the gym, clutching our skirts up in our hands. We signed in but didn’t stay inside for long.

Our hands entwined, we winded our way through the room and out the doors that led to the school yard that was open during the dance. The forecast hadn’t expected rain, and now it was too late for them to close the yard off.

Once we made it back outside, the rain had reached a soft, steady stream. We laughed, and I met her sparkling green eyes and laughed more. Nothing could be better than laughing with her. We dropped our skirts and danced to the sound of the rain hitting the ground all around us.

Others trickled inside, not wanting to get soaked, but we didn’t care. We danced until we were alone, and then we kissed. The taste of the rain did not dull her taste. I couldn’t get enough, and we only stopped when someone cleared their throat behind us.

The teacher motioned for us to go inside, raising his eyebrow at our soaked dresses as he walked passed him hand in hand. They had towels for us and forced us to dry off and sit down with a hot drink before they let us rejoin the dance.

We joined others on the dance floor, wildly swinging our limbs to the music, not caring how it looked to others. When the slow songs played, we didn’t hesitate to get close and dance. No one who mattered cared, and we were reveling in our first dance together.

The night ended, and the rain was heavy now. Parents were called to pick up their children. No one was allowed to leave unless they had someone there to pick them up or they had their own car and license and were over 17. The 16 year olds and those who chose not to drive were reassured that their cars would not be towed away for parking at the school overnight.

Our night ended when both our parents had arrived and we exchanged a slow, gentle kiss at the bottom of the steps that led up to the gym. “See you on Monday,” I breathed after the kiss and she grinned. I clambored into my father’s car, my dress immediately soaking his back seat and he looked back at me through the rearview mirror and raised an eyebrow.

That was the best night of our relationship. And now, she’s gone. I can only hope that the rain will last forever.

Chapter Text

The sun shining in the window was so bright that I could see it through my eyelids. I groaned and rolled over, but it was useless now. I was awake, and there was no changing that now. I opened my eyes slowly. The strings of the hoodie that I put on before bed last night stretched out before me, the too long sleeves covered my hands that rested on top of each other at an angle over the strings.

I pulled myself into a sitting position and pulled the hoodie closed around me, drinking in the smell. It was actually pretty disgusting – a combination of old cologne, smoke, and BO – but it reminded me of him. I missed being in love, and this was the best way to recreate it.

I wasn’t allowed to be sad in front of our friends. I was the one who had cheated, but still – I missed him. I couldn’t not. This hoodie and its smells were all I had left of that happiness. The nights of laughter and warmth were gone. I’d thrown them away, and no matter how much I begged and pleaded, they weren’t coming back.

I slipped out of bed and walked to the bathroom to splash some water in my face and start preparing for the day. My roommate came out of her room while I was brushing my teeth and took one look at me before scoffing. “You still have that thing?” She asked, crossing her arms. “Girl, you need to move on.” I didn’t comment, spitting the toothpaste out of my mouth and rinsing the toothbrush off.

I retreated to my room to grab a towel and my robe. In the shower, I remembered when we had tried to share the space. It was far too small for him and me – 5’11 and 5’7 respectively – but we had still laughed afterwards. After the shower, I pulled on the robe and carried the hoodie back to my room. I laid it delicately on the bed while I finished getting ready for the day.

Dressed, hair dry and styled, make up applied, I returned to my room and stared at the gray hoodie with a broken zipper. I sighed. I knew my roommate was right; I should get rid of it, but I couldn’t. No yet. I picked it up and hung it in the closet. It would be safe there. Maybe tomorrow, I would be stronger.