Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sara had never felt quite right being a woman or a girl. They didn’t hate it, but they didn’t love it either. It just felt wrong somehow. Like they weren’t really a woman, but they didn’t feel like a man either. They never thought much of it though. Maybe everyone felt like that. Maybe most people just went along with whatever society deemed them to be.

But then they met the Legends. Most of them were trans, which sparked something inside of Sara. They had  been aware that there were transgender people but, even despite knowing several in the past, they never thought it was an option for most people. But something about the Legends being trans made Sara really think about their gender. Ray, Nate, Amaya. They were all trans. Even Ava later on, though she wasn't technically a Legend. They made Sara think about their discomfort in their gender. Were they a guy? Maybe, but that didn’t feel right either. Maybe they just had to get used to thinking of themself as a man.

But then Charlie came along. So unapologetic in the fact that they were nonbinary. Something Sara had never even heard of before. So, they looked into it and voila. Something clicked inside of them. They weren’t a man and they definitely weren’t a woman. They were just Sara.

The first step they took into figuring out who they wanted to be was binding. Some days, they hated their chest and others, they were fine with it. But now that they weren’t completely ignoring how they felt, they honed in on their insecurities and were willing to do whatever it took to feel better. 

They remembered hearing somewhere that you could bind with ace bandages, so they snuck into the med bay and snatched the bandages from a drawer.

“Captain? Is everything alright?” came Gideon’s jarring voice. “Have you been injured?”

“No, I-I’m fine, Gideon. But thank you.”

“If you change your mind, I am always here to help.”

“Thanks, Gideon…”

Sara shoved the bandages into their pocket and then locked themself in the bathroom.

As they were wrapping the bandages around their chest, Gideon’s voice sliced through the mostly quiet lull. “I would not recommend binding with those bandages, Captain.”

“Shut up, Gideon.”

***

“Hey, Sara. You okay?” Nate asked in a somewhat more gentle voice than usual. 

“Uh, yeah..? Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Oh, uh, no reason!” Nate replied awkwardly. “Just, uh, if you ever need to, you know, talk about anything. We’re here.”

“Thaaaanks?”

“Well, uh, I have...stuff to do. Zari wanted me to help her with...a thing. Bye.”

Nate quickly left, leaving Sara in a dust of confusion and suspicion. He was definitely up to something.

***

Several hours later, a portal opened and Ava walked into Sara’s bedroom on the waverider. 

“Hey, baby,” Sara greeted, getting up to kiss Ava affectionately.

“Hey,” she breathed lovingly. Even after all those months, a single kiss still made their girlfriend weak in the knees and Sara lived for it. “How has your day been?” 

Ava’s eyebrows scrunched together like they always did when she was worried. Sara found it endearing, but why was Ava worried about them?

“It was alright. Why? What’s wrong, Baby?”

“Oh.” Ava breathed a sigh of relief. “No reason. I just hadn’t heard from you all day.”

“Shit. I’m sorry. I guess I was a little preoccupied.”

“No, no. It’s alright. If anyone knows what it’s like to get caught up in work, it’s me. But,” A warm, mischievous smile took over Ava’s face at the but. “We have all night to make up for it.”

“Oh, I like the sound of that.”

And then they were kissing and Ava was pushing Sara onto the bed. Ava’s hands were pushing under their shirt, fingers finding the bandages that were wrapped tight around their chest. Sara’s eyes flew open. Shit! Fuck! 

They didn’t know what to do, so they just froze.

“Sara?”

“I-I...It’s not what you think.”

Ava gave Sara a gentle smile. “Maybe you can explain it to me then?” she asked, sitting back on her heels. “You can tell me anything, Sara.”

“I…” Sara paused, unsure of how to explain what they were feeling. “You know how Charlie’s nonbinary?”

“Of course.” Ava gave them an encouraging nod.

“It made me think. What if this feeling I’ve had my entire life was more than me just not being girly? I thought it was normal but… then Charlie came along and… I didn’t know that was an option. I didn’t know you could just… not be a man or a woman. I’m supposed to be the one who knows everything lgbt but… I didn’t know that. And I… I think I’m nonbinary, Ava.”

“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me that. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to trust me.”

“You’re not gonna leave me?”

“Of course not. I love you, Sara, and nothing is going to change that.”

Sara couldn’t help the exuberant laugh that came out of them. Ava had never said those three little words before. “You love me?”

“Yeah,” she breathed. “Yeah, I guess I do.”

“Well, I guess I love you too, Director Sharpe.”

Chapter Text

Sara sat criss cross on their bed, fidgeting and looking away from Ava. What were they supposed to say? How the hell would they even start the damn conversation? But Ava spoke up, taking on the responsibility of clearing the uneasy silence.

“Can I ask you a few questions?”

“Yeah, of course.” Sara finally looked back up at their girlfriend, who held a serious but loving expression.

“Do you know what pronouns you want to use?”

“Uh yeah, I was thinking maybe they/them.” Maybe. Just in case Ava decided to back out. If that was too much.

“Okay. I can do that. What about a name? Is Sara okay? Or do you want to go by something else?”

“Uh, I don’t...I don’t really know, but Sara’s okay, I think.”

Ava nodded. “Are female terms okay at all? Like, can I call you my girlfriend or would you be more comfortable with partner or something else?”

“Girlfriend’s fine, I guess. But I like partner too. So, whatever you wanna use is good.”

“You sure?” Okay, maybe the ‘I guess’ wasn’t too convincing. “Because I can use whatever you want me to.”

“Yeah, I’m sure. Girlfriend’s nice, but partner is too.”

“Now, I don’t want you to feel pressured to say yes, but do you want to come out to the others? Just so I know when it’s okay to use your pronouns.”

“I, uh, yeah. I do. Maybe tomorrow? I don’t know…”

“That’s okay. You can come out whenever you’re ready. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, if you don’t want it to be.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know, Babe.”

“And I do have one thing to say.”

Sara’s heart jumped in their chest, anxiety rushing through them again. “What?”

“I am not letting you bind with that death trap anymore. We are getting you a binder as soon as possible.”

“Ava, it’s fine, really. You don’t have to.”

“It absolutely is not fine. It could cause permanent damage. Especially with how active you are.”

Sara grimaced. Could it really cause permanent damage? Well, Ava probably knew better than them.

“...Thank you.”

***

The next morning, Sara woke up with a knot in their stomach. They were really going to tell their friends -no, their family- that they were nonbinary. Something they really only started exploring 2, maybe 3 months back. They knew they’d all be accepting, but what if they were wrong ? What if they were just confused? Really just a woman who wasn’t overly feminine? But the idea of being Ava’s partner and not just her girlfriend filled them with bliss and being called she and a woman made them cringe. Sure, it wasn’t the worst feeling, but it certainly wasn’t their favourite feeling in the world. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t them. And they/them pronouns felt right. So very right that they couldn’t think straight when Ava had used their pronouns as a trial run the previous night.

No, they weren’t confused. Just like when they realized they were bisexual. That had been almost second nature, but this? This was new territory. They had always thought that what they felt was normal or even weird at worst, but not a real identity that they could be. But it was and now they had to navigate what they wanted and how to go about getting it.

The first step to that was coming out to the rest of the Legends. Then they could figure out the rest.

So, when they were finally dressed and had eaten breakfast, they called a family meeting. Once they were all sitting around them, they took a big breath to steady themself before finally speaking. 

“I wanted to talk to you guys about something.” Sara bit their lip and leaned forward, letting out a heavy breath. “I’d like it if you guys would use they/them pronouns for me from now on. Because I, uh, I’m nonbinary.”

They all responded positively. But Nate surprised Sara with his response. “Yeeeeaaaah. We kinda already knew.”

“You what?” How the hell did they know? Even Sara had only recently figured it out themself.

“Yeah,” Charlie responded. “It was kinda obvious from day one.”

Everyone else agreed as well. Except for Ray. “You guys knew? And you didn’t tell me?!”

“Hey, if you know, you know.” Nate said with a shrug. “I mean, we couldn’t exactly out Sara.”

“Yeah, dude. You guys didn’t out me,” said Zari.

“What?” everyone all asked in unison.

“What ‘what’?”

“Why would we out you?” Nate asked. “Are you gay?”

“I thought you guys knew? I’m genderqueer. And very gay. For the ladies.”

“When were you gonna tell us?!” Ray asked, a little bit overdramatically.

“I don’t know! I just thought you knew! And I don’t exactly have the best track record with coming out.”

“And I wasn’t gonna tell. I was not losing those brownie points,” Charlie interjected.

“Wait what?” Ray and Nate asked, genuinely confused. “ARE YOU TWO SLEEPING TOGETHER?”

“You and Zari?” Sara asked, finally coming out of their stupor from all of the commotion. “I mean I figured you liked each other but…” Sara smirked, wiggling their eyebrows.

“I’m surprised none of you caught on sooner. I mean, with your truly amazing gay detective skills,” Charlie taunted. “Don’t tell me you all thought Zari Tomaz, of all people, was straight?”

“Oh yeah, no. I totally guessed she was gay.” Sara said while Nate and Ray stammered in the background as they tried to come up with some excuse or lie. “Wait. Zari, what pronouns do you use?”

“Eh,” Zari said, shrugging her shoulders. “I’m down for anything. Just don’t call me an it and we won’t have a problem.”

“Alright! Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, does anybody else have an impromptu coming out?” Sara asked with a smile as they planted their hands on their hips.

Sara received varying answers of no and I don’t think so from each of the members.

“Well, let’s all step out of the closet and into 1958 Dublin!”

Chapter Text

Most of the Legends (as well as teams Flash, Arrow, and Supergirl) had been to pride at least once. By now, so many of them were even experts at pride. But Alex Danvers? Tough and badass director of the DEO Alex Danvers? They were nervous.

Alex had been to pride once with Maggie and Kara, but that was before they had even thought about their gender identity. Something about being so utterly visible scared them. Sure, they were out to all of their friends, family, and at least half of the DEO knew but this felt a little too exposing. 

For one, they were in a brand new city. They had been to Central City before but they hadn’t gone to pride here before. They only had reference to how team Flash was and not how the actual people of Central City were.

And for two, Maggie wasn’t coming. She had work and sure, it was good for them to do something like this on their own but the idea of being alone with so many strangers there to judge them…

Okay, they knew they weren’t going to be alone. All of their friends were going to be there but… Maggie wasn’t. And that felt big and all consuming.

They had convinced Maggie that they’d be fine. That it’d be good for them to go out by themself and maybe it would but… Alex was definitely not fine. They were the exact opposite of fine, but they pushed through. They put on their best but also comfortable clothes and then painted the lesbian flag on their left cheek and the nonbinary flag on the right. The sight made them smile genuinely for the first time that morning. So, they sent Maggie (and the entirety of the group chat) a picture of themself. A selfie with a genuine smile. 

Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

***

Pride started off great. Lena and Barry (Well, The Flash) even spoke at the beginning of the event. Throughout the parade, they all became walking pride flags and hangers for all of the things they had gathered. Bracelets, necklaces, condoms, shirts, and anything else you could think of. They made it a goal to hit every single booth, concert, and everything else they could find even if they didn’t stay for long. But as the day dragged on, everyone was getting overloaded and tired, but no one wanted to go home just yet. Then Mick suggested going to the bar that was only several blocks away. Everyone agreed. Except Alex. Alex didn’t say a word.

Maybe it was a bit naive of them, but they hadn’t expected alcohol to come up. At least not like this. They had seen other people drinking and that had been fine, but this? This was too close to home. The idea of them ending up with alcohol surrounding them was scary.

“Hey, you okay?” Sara had asked.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Totally fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Maybe because as soon as drinks were suggested you looked as if someone asked you to choose between two equally painful torture methods?”

“What?” Alex asked, awkwardly laughing off the question. “No! No, I’m fine. I swear.”

If Maggie were here, she’d know exactly what to say or she’d help Alex gather the courage to say no. No, they did not want to go to the bar. No, they didn’t want to throw nearly a year of sobriety down the drain.

They suddenly wished Kara would say something. Suggest they go to the pizza place down the street, but she didn’t. Why didn’t Kara say something? Why couldn’t Maggie have just been here? 

Okay, no. Wrong questions. This wasn’t either of their faults and they shouldn’t put the blame on them. But they wanted to. God, they wanted to. And god, they wanted a drink now. It had crossed their mind earlier in the day, but not for long. And now, now it was at the forefront of their mind. “It’ll be fun. Something to end the day.”

And so, they went. But, surprisingly, Sara had kept an eye on them the entire night. Asking if they were okay, if they were hungry, if they wanted to leave. But as soon as they stepped foot into the bar, it was over. They weren’t leaving until somebody dragged them out by the ear and they puked on the sidewalk.

Which isn’t far from how it actually ended. Turns out, Alex is a mean drunk. They know this. Kara knows this. Maggie knows this. But Sara? Sara didn’t know, but they took Alex’s insults and jabs as if they were talking about the news. They didn’t once throw any back. They were kind and understanding, and didn’t give their bad attitude any attention. But when Alex got to be a bit much for everyone to handle, they pulled Alex outside and sat them down on the curb. It was loud outside. Louder than it had been inside and it made their head pound. And, for some reason they couldn’t begin to understand, their anger turned into a dull ache of sadness in their chest.

“I’m so fucking stupid,” they muttered.

“Hey, no. You’re not stupid. You just got a little too drunk. Happens to the best of us.”

“Yeah, but the ‘best of us’ didn’t just throw a year of sobriety out the window.”

Sara frowned. They hadn’t known that Alex was an alcoholic, but they probably should’ve guessed considering Alex’s reaction to the suggestion of going to the bar.

“I won’t tell you I know what you’re going through because I don’t, but my sister does. Did. She did. And I know she’d tell you that everyone, even her, has bad days. Days when drinking is all you can think about. Days when you actually drink. And… and that’s okay. You just gotta keep going. Try not to get back into old habits. But you… you have people, Alex. People that care about you. You have Kara and your girlfriend and me and everyone else. You don’t need to be afraid to talk to us about that stuff.”

“I know…” Alex sighed. “I know but it’s...it’s hard . It’s on me to make sure that I’m sober and I just… it’s my fault. I should’ve just said something.”

“Maybe, but that’s not my place to tell you. I think you have to figure out the best way to avoid that stuff. With the help of the people you love. Cause they’re what’ll get you through. But in order for them to help, you have to tell them how.”

“Yeah…” Alex didn’t know what else to say. Their brain was clouded by the alcohol and by the...grief. That was what it was, wasn’t it? They were grieving the loss of their sobriety and desperately hoping they could get it back.

“Can we just go home?” The last time Alex had asked Sara that (or rather the last time Sara had asked Alex) it had been in a much sexier way. This was solely about getting somewhere they felt safe and not at all about sex.

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. Just let me tell the others, okay?”

***

When Maggie returned home from work, Alex was passed out on the couch and Sara was sitting in the kitchen, nursing a beer they had found in the fridge.

Maggie startled a bit when she saw Sara. “Hi?” she asked more than greeted. “You’re… Sara, right?”

“Yeah. And you’re Maggie.” There was an awkward silence between the two of them. They both knew. Sara had slept with Alex. Maggie and Alex had been on a break when it happened, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t awkward. “They, uh… had a bit too much to drink. Figured I’d stay until you got home.”

Maggie glanced over at Alex, a sympathetic frown pulling at her lips. “Thanks.” There was a small pause. “Really, I mean it.”

“Any time. I just wanted to make sure Alex was safe.”

And there it was. A common goal. A mutual understanding.