Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Um, hello.”

Both their blushes could be seen from miles away. Kuroko held a small box that Kagami had been reaching for. It was dark blue and read ‘Condoms size XL’ in a big, manly font. Kuroko quickly set the box in Kagami’s hands. “What are you doing here, Kagami kun? I thought you were on your way to have lunch with Alex,” Kuroko tried to steady his faltering voice.

“I-I was!” Kagami insisted. “Alex wanted me to pick them up for her!”

“And why would Alex need a condom?”

Kagami went an unhealthy shade of red at the realisation that Alex doesn’t have a dick. He searched his mind wildly for a different excuse rather than ‘I buy these so that if we ever get together I’m prepared’, because no homo, obviously.

Kuroko plucked the box from his hands. “While you think of an excuse, I will go pay for these.”

When Kuroko returned with the box of condoms in a grocery bag, Kagami had thought of a good and curious question like the shadow had asked him.

“Why do you have those? Planning on banging Momoi any time soon?”

Hatred was laced in his words, and Kuroko could tell that Kagami was not happy with his own assumption. He shrugged. “No.”

“Is is Ahomine then?”

“I actually just really hate cleaning up my own mess,” he deadpanned. Kagami gaped at his sincere honesty. He was still frozen in his spot when Kuroko left the small drug store.

Kagami ran out after him a few seconds later. “Th-that’s it?!”

“Kagami kun, if you want the damn condoms--”

“No, it isn’t that! I just can’t believe...” he started to laugh.

Kuroko raised an eyebrow at him curiously. “What is it, Kagami kun?”

“You bought...extra large!” he choked on his own laughter. He had to lean against the outer wall of the store for support.

“None of the others fit,” he acted casual, but the rosy cheeks told Kagami that this was not at all casual.

“You’re...joking!” Kagami howled in laughter. Kuroko sighed and grabbed his wrist, yanking him off towards his apartment building two blocks away.

...

Kagami didn’t struggle against Kuroko’s death grip. All those incredible passes of his really helped his ability to grip, and grip hard. Finally they had found their way to Kuroko’s extremely tidy apartment. Kuroko didn’t say a word as he took the box to the bathroom and closed and locked the door.

Suspicious, Kagami watched the door like a hawk. Was he taking a shit? Was he just really insecure about people watching him pee?

His questions were answered when Kuroko unlocked the door and stepped out, wearing nothing more than an almost-too-tight dark blue condom.

Kagami’s jaw dropped comically as Kuroko casually stood above him. “Now do you believe me, Kagami kun?” he asked in a slightly huskier voice than before. Kagami nodded hastily.

“Good. This thing is too tight,” he murmured, taking off the condom and tossing it aside.

Needless to say, Kuroko no longer has to masturbate to use a condom.