Chapter Text
*2 years prior, November 2018.*
I sat down on the edge of the bed and tried to calm down the trembles running through my limbs.
"You're fine. You're alright." I kept repeating that life saving phrase, but it wasn't working this time. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes as I brushed them away before they could escape.
"Stop doing this, just stop this noise!" I covered my ears and laid back on the bed. My thoughts were too loud this time. I could try to call someone but how would I explain why I'm feeling this?
It feels like everything I have ever done was a lie.
It feels like I have been lying to everyone and I'm actually an awful person.
"I am awful." I muttered. The trembling slowed down and I uncovered my ears to fully hear the noise.
"I am worthless." I sat up and turned towards the mirror. My stupid eyes were glossy and red.
"Is this honestly what I think?" I pulled my knees to my chest and kept my eyes on the mirror. Within in the mirror, I can see every person that has made me smile. It ends with an image of three people.
My mother.
My sister.
My lover.
I smile and let the tears trail down my face.
"I might feel like I'm worthless, but they wouldn't think that." I wiped away the tears and held my knees closer.
"I think I need to watch something to finish this attack off." The trembling had stopped and I started taking in deep breaths. I laid back down and grabbed my phone to open YouTube.
"Mark, he plays that one anxiety game. That calms me down quickly." I search for the video but notice something on the related list that catches my eye.
"Jacksepticeye meets a teary fan?" I bounced back and forth between liking Jack and not caring much. I loved a couple of his playthroughs but otherwise he wasn't something I enjoyed to watch.
Curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on the video. It opened with Jack sitting on the Late Late show and a girl had been picked to ask a question. I watched as she started to cry from the nerves, I understood how that felt.
Then, Jack ran up and hugged her. I just watched how he comforted the girl and brought her back to the couch he was sitting on. He held her hand and talked with her, consistently telling her that she was alright.
I could feel a new wave of emotions hitting me, I looked to the side and saw other videos about mental health from Jack and other youtubers.
"Any of you out there that are feeling very lonely, depressed, very sad, anxious, it's not a bad thing. You're not a bad person, you can get out of it and I believe in you. If no one else believes in you just trust that I believe in you." Jack spoke into the camera before it moved on to the next person.
Just like that, it hit me. I went through and watched as much about his view on mental health as I could find. Each one filling me with hope and determination to fight this. The night turned into watching his most popular videos, from vlogs to ego's. To tour videos and short games.
A new feeling blooms in me. I had the reasons to keep living but didn't have the tools to fight.
Now, I can fight this and stride for a happier life.
*Present day. 2020*
I stare up at the ceiling from my bed. My husband sleeps soundly next to me and the cat curls up between us. I look around the room and think about all the hard work we have done to make this house our home. I carefully sit up and get out of bed without disturbing him or the cat. Once successful, I get changed into outdoor work clothes and head outside. I tend to the flowers I have planted and picking up any sticks or weeds growing.
My phone stops my music to let me know that I'm receiving a call. I set down the sticks and reach for me phone.
"Hey!"
"Hello!" It's Jingles, my best friend. We meet online and hit it off pretty quick when we found out we had a lot in common.
"What's going on?"
"Nothing much just the biggest surprise of your life!" I waited for her to tell me the surprise, but was met with silence.
"Oh yeah? What is it?"
"Well, you could try and guess."
"Hmm, you're going to surprise me by coming back here for a week?" During spring this year she came down for my wedding. It was the first time we ever got to meet in person. Besides it being my wedding weekend, it was an amazing time hanging out with her other than facetiming.
"Kind of right but not really."
"So I'll get to see you for a week though!"
"That's not the main surprise!" She laughed. I sat down on the grass and thought over anything that would be exciting.
"I'm at a lose, just tell me!"
"Alright fine! I won a contest!"
"That's awesome! What was it!"
"I commented on a post online enough and got picked! The best part is what I won!"
"The suspense is killing me!"
"I won free tickets to PAX!"
"OH MY GOD NO WAY!" I was super excited for her. She's been to other conventions, but she hasn't been to PAX yet. She'll love it!
"Well, you better facetime me when you go around!"
"As if you're not going with me!"
"Wait, what?"
"I did say tickets! I won two passes for the whole weekend of PAX!" I almost jumped right up off the ground, or passed out. "Are you alive?"
"Yes! Yes, yes I'm here!"
"So is this a yes that you'll go with me?"
"Of course I'll go! This is so awesome!"
"I know! I'll send you the details and we can figure out the smaller details in a bit alright?"
"Sounds like a plan!" We exchanged goodbyes before hanging up.
I ran inside the house to tell my husband the amazing news. He was just as trilled for us as we were excited to go.
***
About three weeks has passed since we got the wonderful news about going to PAX. Jingles and I planned out how we will meet up, where to stay, and what our plan was for that weekend. It was still a couple months away, but it gave me something to look forward to.
***
It was finally time to start packing! I was beaming with excitement and nerves all week. My coworkers were excited for me, but I could tell that they were getting tired of me consistently talking about it. I packed my bags and went to bed early so I could make my flight in the morning.
I would be flying out to meet with Jingles at her home state, then we would carpool to the hotel that was close to where PAX was being held. I was super excited to go to PAX but I also got to see my best friend again after months of being apart.
I could barely sleep from all the nerves of flying alone. I groaned when my alarm went off, feeling like I laid in bed all night awake. I quickly got ready and headed to the car with my husband. We drove to the airport before the sun was even up. Once there, my husband and I said goodbye and hugged while I ran into the airport.
The flight there was easy, I slept for most of it. I called Jingles to let her know that we had landed and asked where she would be. Her and her husband were waiting in the main area. I hurried off the flight and grabbed my bags before heading to find them.
After looking for just a few moments, I found them!
"Jingles!" She screamed out and ran towards me. We collided and hugged while laughing.
"I missed you!"
"I missed you too!" We kept laughing until her husband told us we needed to leave so we could get prepared for our long drive. The drive to their house consisted of us catching up and excited buzz for the weekend.
We came up with a plan and we left to head to PAX. We were so excited that the trip went by in a flash. Suddenly we were checking into our hotel for the night and spent the last couple of hours watching our favorite YouTube videos.
The next morning we woke up and got dressed for breakfast. Downstairs we ran into other PAX members and we sat down at a large table. We made new friends and talked about what all we were excited to do! Jingles and I were excited for some of the panels, games, and lastly the meet and greets. There was one in particular that we were both nervous to attend.
The first day went by quickly but was amazing! This was Jingles fourth time going to any kind of convention, but this was my first time. I was nervous on getting lost or overwhelmed with the crowds, but Jingles kept me calm by going over the plan and keeping me focused.
We went back to the hotel after the last panel was over. It was with Thomas Sanders and he answered fan questions and talked more about himself. It was super awesome getting to see him on stage talking in front of hundreds of fans. We sat on our beds going back and forth about the day and what tomorrow holds.
"It's the meet and greets tomorrow!"
"I know." Jingles looked at me with concern.
"What's wrong? Are you excited to meet him?"
"I'm just really nervous that I'll embarrass myself or say something stupid." I held my head in my hands.
"I promise, he won't think anything is stupid and you won't embarrass yourself. I'll be there and I got you!" She held her arms up like a superhero. I couldn't hide my laughter for long, and eventually we were both rolling on our beds laughing. That night, I ended up sleeping pretty good.
The next morning, Jingles woke me up quietly. Once I started to wake up she suddenly jumped out of bed and was jumping around the room.
"Today's the day! We get to meet him! Get excited!" She was yelling and waving her arms around the room. I sat up laughing and joined in on the excitement dance.
We got cleaned up and headed downstairs for breakfast again. We could barely eat from our nerves and excitement. We managed to eat enough and headed to the building for the meet and greet.
The line to see him was already long, but we expected this. We brought a couple of card games to pass the time, talked with the other fans in line with us, and just took the time to prepare for the meeting.
"What are you going to say to him?"
"I'm going to try and not go into to much detail but I want him to know how he helped me." I nodded in agreement.
"I just hope I don't start crying in front of him."
"I know for sure that I will." Jingles laughed.
"Well, how about this. You have free rein to cry first, then after we leave if I need to I will." Jingles face lite up and she gave me a hug.
"You can cry anytime! I am here to support you!" I laughed and felt myself relax. The line moved along until we were inside the room.
There he was at the end.
Sean, or otherwise known as Jacksepticeye.
I could feel my anxiety catch in my throat just knowing that I would be meeting him soon. Thoughts flooded my mind on what to say or do, until a gentle hand rested on my shoulder.
"It'll be ok." Jingles smiled at me, which I returned the smile and wiped my eyes.
"I know. It'll be great!" We moved up in line and then finally we were next. I heard Jingles sniff and suddenly we were walking up. I stepped aside to let Jingles go up to him first.
"Hi." She said shyly.
"Hey!" Sean spoke warmly and held his arms up for a hug. She walked into it and was completely enclosed in his arms. I could see her shoulders shaking. "Hey, It's alright!" Sean was trying to comfort her. God he was awesome.
"I'm sorry!" She apologized, Sean waved it off with a smile. Jingles started talking with Sean when she controlled her voice. I could see him nodding and smiling while she went over her story.
When she finished with her story he pointed to the side for a picture and gave her another hug. She walked back to me wiping away tears, but managed to give me a smile.
It was my turn now. I timidly walked up and couldn't even say anything. I knew I tried to say hi, but I didn't hear my voice at all. Sean smiled and gave me a hug.
It was the type of hug that just forced out all the negativity from my head. For that moment, everything was ok. The only other person who could hug like this was my husband. I hugged him back before parting away.
"Hi!" He smiled at me.
"Hi." I finally heard my voice. Relief washed over me, until I knew I had to say something again.
"You're ok." He patted my shoulder, I could already feel my eyes watering up.
"I know, and I also know that everyone comes up here with stories on how they found you and how you saved them." Sean nodded. "Which is amazing, you have helped so many people by just being you. Honestly, you helped pull me out of a scary time and I wanted to thank you for that." I beamed up at him.
"You don't have to thank me. It's like you said, I'm just me. But I do appreciate you coming here!" He smiled back at me.
"Back in 2018, I hit a low point in my life where I doubted everything that made me, me. But I stumbled onto one of your videos and it pulled me out of it. It was amazing honestly. So thank you for that." He leaned over and hugged me again. The tears were about to breach, I just needed to hold out a little longer. We took a picture together which was just a simple smile and pose.
"Before I go, I wanted to tell you something funny that did happen years ago."
"Alright?"
"I had a roommate in collage that loved watching your videos. This was back in 2015, so when you were playing Happy Wheels."
"Oh gosh, yeah?" He chuckled.
"Well, for some reason, she would replay just the beginning. Like a bunch in a row for whatever reason."
"That sounds awful, oh my god!"
"Well, this was when I was first introduced to you're channel."
"So you weren't a fan at first?' He was laughing which is what I was hoping for.
"Then, not so much. I had early classes and she would do this at midnight usually. But even in 2016 I was watching Night in the Woods and Kindergarten. Which those were my two favorite games you played then."
"Aw, thank you! Also, I am so sorry you had to suffer like that!" I started laughing.
"It's fine! Thank you for your time in chatting with me!" He gave me a last quick hug before I hurried back to join with Jingles.
We walked out of the room and went right outside. Once we were alone, I let the tears out. I was so relieved to be out of there, but I was so happy I got to meet him. Jingles was in the same boat as me, as far as excited and relieved. We sat outside together for a while, going over the whole weekend and the meeting with Sean. We ended up going back inside, mostly to socialize with other fans.
When the event was over we went back to our hotel room. We were sad to be leaving already but it was an amazing weekend. We both laid in bed just talking about anything until she fell asleep. I laid there in the dark staring at the ceiling. I reflected on what got me to like Sean so much.
I sat up and looked in the mirror across from my bed. I couldn't see my eyes, but I knew they would be red from crying. But I remembered what I had said all those years ago. How worthless I was, how horrible I was.
I smiled at myself, and could see all the people I met today. Jingles sitting next to me laughing. Sean standing at the back looking out for everyone. I smiled to myself and laid back down slowly. I closed my eyes and smiled.