Archive of Our Own ^beta

In Clementine’s seventeen years alive, she had always thought the most amount of pain she’d ever feel would be the time she got shot. It had been such a sharp, intense pain that she’d instantly been knocked out before being carried into a truck by Kenny and Jane. The next thing she knew, she’d been back in the R.V. that had saved them from the motor inn, all those years ago. At least that time, she’d seen Lee…

Now, she’d gladly trade the pain she was experiencing for another bullet through the shoulder. It felt weird wanting that, now that she thought about it. Sharp stabbing pain shot through her leg and up her spine, and her leg felt numb.

In fact, her leg was missing. After their lousy excuse for a rescue plan went south about a hundred times, the cherry on top of the ice cream had been the bite. Locked in a barn with AJ, she had truly believed she was about to die. And come to think of it, she was still hesitant to believe she hadn’t. After having given up all hope, AJ had come through for her.

A week later, she had spent all her time confined to her room. Ruby had made the best job she could of closing up the wound, though she had made a point of commending AJ on his improvisational skills. Of course, all of this had to be briefed to her days later, when she finally woke up.

The morning on the Sunday after the escape, Clem lay flat on her bed, her eyes unable to close again after a nightmare. She’d been having them nightly, and she was just about ready for them to stop. AJ’s constant screaming, the fire engulfing the Ranch, all the dead… It was too much to bear. Even minutes later, her breathing was still heavy and small beads of sweat ran down her forehead.

She propped herself up with her elbow, looking around the room. The bed on the other side of the room was empty, the covers tossed aside. AJ must already be outside, she thought. The mid-morning sun was shining through the gaps between the boards covering the window. It cast thin lines onto the hardwood floor. Specks of dust floated gently in the air illuminated by the sun, completely unconcerned by the happenings at the school.

Her eyes traveled slowly down the bed until they landed on the stub that was her left leg. She sighed. No amount of time would make her accustomed to it. She moved the stub to one side and to the other, grimacing when she started feeling her toes. Ruby warned her that could happen. It was the strangest sensation she had ever experienced.

She sat there for a few minutes moving her legs slowly, just like Ruby had shown her. About ten minutes later, she heard a soft knock on the door. She covered her legs with the covers and croaked, “Come in.”

The door creaked slowly open. It revealed Aasim on the other side, holding a bowl of soup in a makeshift tray with a small glass of murky water. She smiled at him and gestured to the desk. Aasim walked toward her, setting down the tray and sitting on a chair beside her bed.

“How you holding up?” he said. She noticed his eyes dart ever so slightly toward her leg and quickly back to her.

“Been better,” she admitted, taking the bowl of soup and gently blowing on it. “You?”

“Pretty good, considering,” he said, shrugging.

“I’d say more than pretty good,” she teased, smirking. It felt good to smile despite her circumstances. “I saw you and Ruby yesterday through the window.”

Aasim blushed a deep red that resembled Ruby’s hair and looked down. “Oh, you saw that?”

“I’m happy for you guys,” she said. Aasim nodded awkwardly, seemingly unsure how to react. She took a sip of her soup. “This is excellent. My compliments to the chef.”

“Actually, AJ made it,” Aasim informed her. When her eyes opened wide as plates, he corrected himself. “Well, Omar helped him but he was in charge of getting the ingredients.”

Clem smiled and looked out the window into the courtyard. What little she could see was brightly lit by the ever looming noon sun. AJ chased Willy with a stick, both of them laughing. Violet was talking with Ruby, whose hands held the blonde’s softly. Omar lugged the cauldron from the fire to a nearby corner, possibly to cool it down. She noticed, however, that one person in particular was missing from the bunch. Her eyes scanned the courtyard, but there was no sign of the tall boy with the overlarge trench coat.

“Where’s Louis? I haven’t seen him much these past few days,” she said, trying to keep the clear disappointment from her voice. He was the only one who hadn’t come visit her since she woke up. She didn’t blame him, of course, but it still prickled at the back of her head.

“He’s been… he hasn’t been himself, if I’m being honest,” Aasim said, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. “He won’t come out of the music room, and even when he does it’s only to get some food.”

“Doesn’t sound like him.”

“I’m worried about him, but he won’t open up to us,” he said frustrated. “I get he’s probably grieving, we all are. But it just feels different for some reason.”

“How so?”

“I don’t know,” said Aasim. They sat in silence for a time, while Clem sipped the soup. Suddenly, Aasim snapped his fingers. “Hey, would you try having a crack at him?”

“Why would I be any different than his best friends?” Clem asked, setting down the bowl. She sat up; all too aware the stub in her left leg was visible. “What would I have to say that would change his mind?”

“Clem, c’mon,” he said, raising an eyebrow. “You know he’s crazy for you. No one has ever got to him like you have, and I should know, I’ve known him for over ten years.”

“I guess…” she said apprehensively. “I guess I can give it a try, but you’re gonna have to carry me.”

They set the bowl and glass on the tray and Aasim gingerly offered his back for her to piggyback ride him. It felt uncomfortable with only one leg to grip herself, but she made do with what she had. She always had. He walked almost effortlessly toward the door. The hall beyond was brightly lit through the open windows.

Clem clung to Aasim’s back as he walked through the hallway and out into the courtyard. When they got to the rest of the group, Ruby gasped.

“Clem!” she exclaimed, running to Aasim. “What are you doing out of bed?”

“It’s okay, Ruby,” Aasim assured her, waving a hand. “We just thought she might be able to get through to Louis.”

“I promise I’ll go back to bed as soon as I’m done,” Clem said, nodding and offering Ruby a small smile.

Ruby pursed her lips and crossed her arms but let them through nonetheless, clearly conflicted. Clem spotted AJ playing with Willy on the other side of the courtyard, too engrossed in their game to pay much attention to their surroundings. She decided she’d say hi later. Right now, she had more pressing matters to attend to.

Aasim pushed the door to the admin room open with his boot and walked in. The inside of the building was exactly like she remembered it from the night of the raid. The dead raider Yonathan’s blood stained the moth-eaten carpet. Small pieces of rubble from the bag of bricks that had killed him littered the floor, though most had been swept away by Ruby before their ‘hootenanny’. The hallway leading to the music room, so unlike Clem knew it, was quiet. The silence was palpable as Aasim carried Clem to the door, which was ajar.

“Put me down,” she hissed before he pushed the door open. “You can help me walk the rest of the way.”

“You sure?”

“Just do it, Aasim,” she said irritably.

He followed her command and set her down on the floor, helping her lean on him with her left arm. Her right leg felt wobbly and weak as though she were about to collapse after a day running, but she wasn’t going to give Aasim the satisfaction.

“Ready,” she said.

Together, they pushed the door open. On the other side of the room, Louis sat alone at the piano, his hands tapping away at the closed lid over the keys. He’d removed his trademark trench coat and set it on the seat beside him. His green shirt was torn in all sorts of places.

He looked bored, as if even pretending to play the piano was too much of a chore for him. Aasim cleared his throat and the freckled boy turned to them, his face contorting in a soft smile upon seeing Clementine.

“Clem!” he exclaimed with forced enthusiasm. “What are you doing here?”

“Here to check in on you,” she said cheerfully, limping forward with Aasim’s help.

Louis rushed forward and took her hand in his, wrapping his other arm around her waist. “I got her, Aasim, thanks.”

Without a word, Aasim nodded and gingerly walked out the room, closing the door behind him. The couple walked slowly toward the piano, where Louis helped Clem down onto the seat. As good as it felt finally being out of her bed, she had to admit her short-lived walk had taken more out of her than she would have liked.

“So,” Louis started, clearly uncomfortable. It seemed strange to Clem to think the boy who had held a smile so bright would ever sound so awkward in such a situation. “How are you holding up?”

“I guess I’m fine,” she said with a sigh. “Feels weird having only one leg, but y’know…” She trailed off, suddenly very interested in her interlaced hands.

“I’m sorry, Clem,” he said, almost like an afterthought. Before she started arguing, he raised his hand. “I know you’ll say it wasn’t my fault, but I don’t know. I just had to say that.”

Clem looked to her left at him, scanning his face. She noticed the freckles that were scattered across his cheeks and nose, and which went down his neck. Some of them even disappeared beneath his green shirt. His brow was furrowed in deep thought, as though he were dreading whatever Clem was about to say next. Also dreading the answer, Clem cleared her throat.

“Louis,” she said softly. He grunted in almost inaudible response. “What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?” he said tonelessly.

“Aasim says you haven’t been out in a while,” she said, searching for his gaze. She didn’t want to guilt him by mentioning she hadn’t been to see her, so she settled on, “They all miss the old you.”

“Well, maybe there is no old me anymore,” Louis said bitterly, his face suddenly angry. He didn’t smash anything or stand up in rage, however. Clem could see his muscles tensing beneath his shirt, his breathing starting to become more audible.

“What do you mean by that?” she ventured. Outside, birds chirped happily on the edge of the shingles by the window. The sun bathed them in golden light that made them almost sparkle. She saw one bird land next to a small puddle of rainwater and take a small sip of it.

“I don’t know,” Louis said, bringing her back to the room. “Ever since that night… I haven’t been able to sleep well.”

She pursed her lips apprehensively, knowing all too well the signs of trauma. But this time, his trauma couldn’t be explained or cursed away like AJ suggested. She needed to tread lightly.

“Do you… wanna talk about it?” she said. Her voice was quiet and soft, much like the tone she took with AJ when he’d been smaller. Again, he shrugged and she prompted him to continue.

“Clem,” he said, straightening up a little and looking to his left. It was only then that she realized his eyes were bloodshot, small red tendrils corroding the usually beautiful sight that were his brown eyes. He blinked back tears and shook his head, almost as if afraid to utter the next words.

“Yes?”

“Have you ever killed someone?”

What a loaded question, Clem thought dryly. If she had to be honest – and she really wanted to be honest with Louis – her body count was much too long for her liking. Awful memories of just over a year ago floated aggressively into her mind’s eye.

“Yes,” she said simply. Then, deciding Louis probably needed a fuller answer, she said, “Why do you ask?”

“I… I killed that woman on the boat,” he muttered almost inaudibly. “I shot her right through the mouth. I can’t stop picturing that.”

“Louis…” she said tentatively, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Clem, I don’t know what to do,” he said desperately, his hands shaking. “Every time I close my eyes she’s there. Haunting me.”

“It’s normal to feel that way,” she assured him. In reality, she was treading on uneven and unexplored ground, but she wasn’t about to let Louis suffer in silence. “I did too when I first did… for a long time.”

Louis opened his mouth as if to speak but his words got caught in his throat, as if he were afraid to say them. After a few attempts, he managed, “who did you kill?”

Yet another loaded question. The night and the person in question was one that had lived in her memory for as long as she could remember. The worst night of her life.

“Greg.”

“Greg?” he repeated.

“He was this man,” she began, reaching for the details of the fateful night. “He tricked me and kidnapped me, told me he knew where my parents were. And I was stupid and believed him. By the time Lee realized, it was too late. He came to my rescue, but he’d been bit so he was already weak.”

Louis listened with rapt attention, probably desperate for any consolation her story might provide. Her hands fidgeted with a loose string from her jacket and her gaze could not have been more apart from Louis’s, but she could feel it nonetheless. Fighting back tears, she continued.

“He was about to kill Lee and I…” The ringing in her ears had been deafening. She had been afraid she’d messed up her hearing for good, though that was not her main concern at that moment. Most of all, she was afraid she’d hit Lee. Greg’s lifeless body had crumpled to a heap on the floor beside Lee with a thud. She could still see those dead, glassy eyes staring at her through the deepest veils of her subconscious, where just a simple ‘Fuck off, fear’ wasn’t enough. “I shot him.”

Louis was expecting the conclusion, yet he must have felt it unfulfilling because he frowned. Apprehension took over his features as another delicate question occurred to him. She could tell he wanted to know more but at the same time didn’t dare offend her. It was a nice gesture, but life wasn’t about nice gestures.

“It happened about three months after this happened,” she gestured to their surroundings. The dilapidated shingles on the roof, the broken down vehicles in the middle of the forest, the children that had had to fend for themselves for nearly eight years.

“But… you were just a kid,” he said incredulously. His qualms seemed to have eroded with emotion and repressed rage. “You couldn’t have been more than ten years old.”

“I know,” she said solemnly. It wasn’t like her to ask or even seek pity from others, but somehow his trepidation felt like something different. More than pity, it sounded like genuine concern.

“It feels different from killing a walker,” he decided, mostly to himself. “But when it’s an actual person, when you can see the shock on their face before they die… that image doesn’t go away so easy.”

“I know what you mean,” she said. For a moment, she said nothing, and then she added, “Lee killed someone once.”

It was almost out of the blue, which surprised even Clementine. Louis blinked as if waiting for a closing statement, so she went on. “He was going to prison before he met me; before it all went to shit.”

“No kidding,” he muttered. “Did he ever talk about it?”

“Yeah, once,” she said lamely. “He told me he regretted it, and I believe him. I guess we’ve all done stuff we regret for our loved ones.”

In truth, she hadn’t ever asked why Lee had killed that man, nor did she really care. Too much time had passed to care about such things, and all that really mattered is that Lee had, and would have done anything for her; the same way she would do anything for AJ.

The couple fell silent once more, staring into each other’s eyes, only looking away occasionally to look out the window. Louis’s hand lazily drifted toward Clem’s until it was on it and he started drawing small circles on her palm with his thumb. They smiled at each other, and Louis looked away suddenly. He cleared his throat.

“How do you, uh, get over it,” he asked timidly.

Clementine looked out the window in thought. What a great question, she thought. That night, her whole life had been turned upside down. The world she thought she knew, even if superficially, had pulled back the curtain and revealed its true intentions. No child could live in this world without a little fear. No one could be prepared for the worst when the worst was just one step away from you at any given moment. If she was being honest, that fear had never really faded away.

Yet as she looked through the dirty window panes and out into the courtyard, she could barely suppress a smile. AJ – her angel – was running at full speed with the biggest grin she’d seen him wear in a long time, desperate to catch up to Willy. Aasim and Ruby sat on one of the couches, their hands intertwined as they chatted about something very passionately. Maybe the world wasn’t so shitty after all.

“You don’t,” she decided finally, but the hint of a smile didn’t waver. “I don’t think you ever get over your first kill. Or any kill, for that matter. What matters is how we choose to distract us from the thoughts that haunt us. Kind of like what you do with music.”

Louis thought about her words carefully, weighing them in his mind. He was quiet for at least five minutes, following Clem’s gaze out into the yard. Omar was climbing the ladder to the watch tower. Over the walls, the tops of trees swayed gently in the breeze, doing an uncanny impression of a crowd of fanatics doing the wave. The sun shone brightly atop the branches, dazzling the eye with vibrant colors.

“You’re not a monster for killing someone,” Clem said finally, pulling him out of his reverie. “And you’re not weird for feeling this way, either. You’re human.”

“I guess you’re right,” he said, looking back at her. Brown eyes met hazel. He managed a small smile; one that Clem could tell he hadn’t used since that night. “When did you get so wise?”

“I was always wise,” she said, puffing out her chest impressively. “I taught AJ, didn’t I?”

Louis laughed. The sound was much like the music the boy so fervently loved: melodic, harmonious and beautiful. She leaned in and pecked him on the cheek. Louis blushed and scratched the back of his head, looking down.

“It wasn’t that funny,” she said, unable to contain the smile herself. “But thank you, Louis.”

“You’re welcome, Queen Clem,” he said, nodding. “Anything for you.”