Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

i still search

     for you in crowds,

     in empty fields

     and soaring clouds.

in city lights

     and passing cars,

     on winding roads 

     and wishing stars.

i wonder where

     you could be now,

     for years i've not said

     your name out loud.

and longer since

     i called you mine-

     time has passed 

     for you and i. 

but i have learnt 

     to live without

     i do not mind-

     i still love you anyhow.

Lang Leav - Wishing stars. 

-----

there's a certain ability to foresee the future, to anticipate what will later ensue from a decision, needed for someone to be good at making choices. 

nayeon supposes she, unfortunately, was not born with any of those abilities. 

it could have come in handy, really, because life has never stopped throwing choices her way, ones she simply could not avoid. she has had to make hard decisions, to choose between herself and others, and somewhere along the way, a part of the senses that led her to make one specific choice must have gone wrong. 

years ago, she chose to spend the rest of her life with sana, promised to stay by her side through better and unfortunately, worst, an aspect of their relationship that took far more place than they could have ever expected it to. but she never regretted it, tried to focus on all of the good moments they were able to experience in between the tarnished ones, ignored the endless arguments that animated their home in order to prioritize their son's wellbeing. 

it had worked. well, partly at least.

their son is the happiest he could ever be, nayeon refusing to allow any kind of negativity to enter their home when he was there. but for this to happen, she was forced to let go of a cherished part of her own life, had to watch as sana distanced herself from their family life as if hurt by the idea of having to pretend they were alright in front of anyone. 

still today, nayeon believes she's made the right choice. 

(it never prevented her from wondering about endless what-ifs, ones she never truly found an answer for.

but the answer might have been there all along, hidden between the stars and waiting for her eyes to finally open and see what they've been missing all this time. on purpose, trying to escape a past that never really stopped trying to catch up.)

-----

the stars have lost their usual brightness tonight, dead souls wandering through a dark night sky, ones that mirror the sorrow one would feel when they reach the last page of a book, unfinished, discontinued for a time that sounds far too much like forever. 

in all truth, nayeon doesn't possess any actual knowledge about the stars. she should have tried to understand, at some point in her life, why they shine brightly one evening as if reflecting her own emotions, but are so rare when everything she's ever known, everything she's loved comes crumbling down on her. but she's never had the time, never found the will to pause and admire them unless it was to make a wish, one that it seems was not heard. 

she should have known, really, that silently crying while admiring the sky wouldn't be enough. but a part of herself, one she despises more than any other one, had allowed herself to hope. the child that never left her mind wanted to believe that the hardships they were facing would leave, quite like the shooting stars pierce through the darkness for a short instant, disappearing after having barely given her any time to formulate a wish.

but she forgot one important detail about all of this.

each one of them left a hole in their heart, and nothing seemed to be able to fill those remaining traces, ones that accumulated until nothing but anger and the will to save a failing marriage was left. 

she takes a deep breath, fresh air of the night barely enough to allow her to breathe correctly, the action made impossible by the pain residing in her throat, threatening to explode at any given moment. her fingers tighten on the glass of wine she found on the bedside table, one she supposes sana had been drinking as some sort of liquid courage to find the strength one would need to put an end to years of a shared life. her lips left their print on the edge of the glass, lipstick a lighter red than the wine, and she can't find it in herself to bring it to her lips anymore. 

noticing the dangerous territories her thoughts are wandering into, she's quick to look away from the glass, eyes going back to the skyline until all she's thinking about are the stars, and how they're truly the only things that never left her. 

the sound of a door violently closing reaches her ears but she chooses to ignore it, realizing it is nothing but the echo of a recent memory, a memory she wishes to erase from her mind just like the last hour she's gone through. light footsteps slowly approach her, certainly searching for the place she picked to silently reconsider each of the choices she made to arrive here, and it seems like whoever entered the apartment has finally understood she opted for the wide balcony, overhanging the city in a way that used to make her feel powerful, important. like she hadn't strictly taken wrong decisions if she was able to be graced with such a view. 

"nayeon ?" 

even her name reminds her of someone she desperately tries to forget. and that's when she understands that tonight, as the stars seem to lose all of their light and the sky becomes empty of any emotion, she not only lost everything she had but everything she was as well.

it's her fault, really. she shouldn't have lived for someone, shouldn't have dedicated her whole life to a woman who could just as easily run away with everything she'd willingly given. but that's what she had believed love to be, that's what she was taught to do to prove her worth to someone. and yet something about those lessons must have been defective, or else she might be left with a bit more than remaining pieces of her own heart, a puzzle that will never again be solved.

the glass escapes her hand, falling on the hardwood of the balcony in a loud crash she barely registers. 

there will come a time when nayeon will be forced to face everything that took place in what used to be their home but is now devoid of any love, a thick fog of sorrow having filled what used to be happiness. there will be a time when nayeon won't have a choice, when she will need to kneel down to the floor and pick up every piece of glass, threatening to leave scars behind themselves. but now is not the time, not yet.

right now, she would rather admire the skyline and the stars. she would rather wait for a shooting star to finally allow her to make one last wish, the wish to go back in time and fix everything before sana could even consider ruining everything she had and everything she was along with it. 

"did something happen? are you alright?" 

but it seems like life has something entirely different in store for her. and it bears the name of someone she had long ago forgotten although she would rather not admit this, not admit that erasing every memory in which she resided was the hardest task she'd ever had to face. well, second hardest now.

"what are you doing here?" she clears her throat. those are the first words that leave her lips for the past two hours and she wishes her voice wouldn't sound as weak as she feels. holding up the appearances of eternal happiness is certainly harder than keeping her own tears at bay, and it appears she isn't as good at it as she'd believed. 

"i met a client around the corner and thought i would pass by to greet both you and sana. i sent her a text but... she wasn't replying." mina's voice is as soft as she remembers. it hurts so much more than being screamed at. perhaps is it because she doesn't believe to be deserving of any kind of pity. "the door was wide open when i arrived, i wanted to check on you."

"well you did now. no one is asking for you to stay any longer than needed."

the harshness of her tone would make anyone leave her alone to face her own demons, the ones currently dancing in her mind as they wait for the moment she'll finally break. but mina is not just anyone, and believing the contrary of this is certainly the first mistake nayeon ever made.

the light muffled sound of her footsteps are slowly getting louder as she approaches, and nayeon's grip on the iron balustrade tightens, her breathing escalating with every step. 

mina does not say a word when she finally reaches nayeon, simply standing next to her in silence, absentmindedly staring into the void. if nayeon was to look up, she would find a pensive woman, one who's currently wondering about the best way to comfort her, to get her to understand that she doesn't need to wear any kind of masks around her because she'll always be able to read through them. even after all these years.

it's always been that way between them. silent. unsaid confessions burning at the tip of their tongue and begging to be screamed into the void until it echoes loud in the heart of anyone who might hear. even after all these years spent far away from one another, regret still burns in one of their soul, but which one, neither of them are sure. 

nayeon takes another deep gulp of air. her breath is trembling when she exhales what was supposed to clear her lungs along with her mind, and that's certainly what forces mina to finally act.

"something tells me i need to stay." her voice is a low murmur as she envelopes nayeon in a warm hold, and the woman barely flinches. instead, her face naturally falls in the curve of her neck, and breathing is so much easier when she doesn't need to suppress the violent sobs flooding her heart and drowning her. 

she wonders how mina can still feel so familiar, her hold as loving as it was when they parted ways over a decade ago. she wonders if mina might have been the answer to all of her questions. but there's no use in thinking of this now, not when she's just lost everything and will surely lose her along the way as well. 

mina is sana's friend. she came back to korea to see her, according to her wife- or ex-wife, although she would rather not use this term just yet, she's not strong enough for this. and when sana will ask for her, when she'll want someone to dry her own tears, mina will surely leave nayeon on her own and rush to her, because that's what friends are for.

and after everything that happened between them, she's not sure mina is her friend. 

nayeon doesn't talk, nor does she ever look at mina. but she doesn't need to anyway, not when crying is enough for now, not when mina whispers a small "i know, it's alright." against her scalp, her own voice inhabited by light tremors. 

when they leave the balcony half an hour later is when the last star disappears, dark clouds looming over the city. 

nayeon never stops crying. 

mina never lets go of her.

(perhaps she should have. perhaps was it her last chance to run away. 

but even when she left, mina was never able to learn how to let go.)

-----

"i want a divorce, nayeon."

those words are engraved into her soul, the last traces of ink that will ever appear on the book she believed would never reach an end. 

sana had pronounced them so calmly, voice devoid of any doubt even through her tears, even after the screams that had resonated between the walls of the same room mina brought her to. she doesn't know what hurts more. if it was how sure of herself sana was or the fact that she had deliberately chosen to end what nayeon had believed to be a never-ending cycle, one that would always lead to happiness and understandings, no matter the hardships they both were to face. 

there's nothing as cruel as coming home after a tiring day of work, a smile gracing her lips from the joy of being able to put her day behind herself and be welcomed in the warm hug her wife always reserved for her, only to find her nervously drinking a half-filled glass of wine. her smile had only died down after sana insisted on this discussion being a serious one, briefly mentioning their son still being at his piano lessons. 

and even then, she didn't know. 

it all appeared to her when she approached sana, only for her to take a step back. her wife had looked away then, staring at the light grey walls, a color nayeon had herself chosen and painted which does explain the few imperfections on the flat surface. as if staring at her hurt too much, as if it kept her from formulating the words she had very obviously rehearsed.

"you might be hypocritical enough to be happy in a loveless marriage but i'm not."

sana had cried then. and apologized a lot, far too much for nayeon to still now believe all of this to have been from her own wrongdoings. screams had bounced from one side of the living room to another when nayeon asked for an explanation, asked to know why sana wouldn't give them a chance after all this time, all these shared memories none of them would ever be able to get rid of.

and when nayeon had felt tears threatening to slip down her cheeks, sana had grabbed her bag and the maroon coat nayeon has always loved on her and left. 

telling mina about it all takes an hour. she pauses between each sentence to cry, glad for the couch they're now sitting on as she's not sure her body would be strong enough to allow her to stand. the woman's hold on her hand never loosens unless it is to bring a tissue to her cheeks, drying the tears which never finished their journey and stilled as if made of ice. 

in all of the ways mina had expected her first meeting with nayeon in years to go, this had definitely never brushed her mind. but if anything, she's glad to have made the choice to come back to korea a few weeks ago, even if some of the wounds that led her to leave so long ago have not yet entirely healed. 

nayeon has barely acknowledged her presence- or rather her absence- since she arrived but she wants to believe that who used to be her best friend needs her, that she hasn't forgotten about it all. this has always been her weakness. hope that even after what took place between them so long ago, she's more than a ghost that never really left nayeon's mind, that she's needed here.

her sobs intensify for a short instant, bringing mina back to the present as she watches with an aching heart as nayeon hurts, pain once again flooding her cheeks in a torrent of tears. 

"i need to leave. shouldn't i be searching for her right now? i-isn't that what i should be doing in order to get her back?" the control she previously kept on her emotions is entirely gone and her hands tremble in mina's, panic arising in her voice. 

there's a lot of difficulty in having to choose between telling someone the truth when they're already hurting so much, and smoothing the rough edges in apologetic lies. mina promised herself long ago to never lie again, and yet here she is, faced with the woman who unknowingly changed her, all because of a bitter lie she hasn't yet come to terms with. 

"i'm sure sana only needs time to think. alone time. going after her might not be the greatest of ideas." 

nayeon's sobs have stopped but she clearly still is in pain, and thinking correctly seems too hard of a task for the time being. avoiding mina's warm stare is close to impossible now that she's sitting so close, and it weighs heavy on her, as if aware of details that are still escaping her mind, certainly due to the state she finds herself in. perhaps because mina is far better at lying now than she was when they last saw each other, a detail nayeon has not yet noticed. 

"she'll want me back, right? we can get through this, we've already done so much to stay together. i'm sure she still loves me as much as i do." nayeon's voice is weak. it takes a lot from her to be able to pronounce each word as if the threat of an imminent fall weighs on her every time, one she fears she might never be able to overcome. 

hope overflows from her words. mina doesn't dare tell her that no, sana doesn't. but she herself hopes for nayeon to learn how to let go, a task she herself failed at but wouldn't wish on anyone else. 

"i'm sure she does too." deep down, mina hates knowing it will never be the case as much as she loves it. it's selfish, the spark of joy that erupted in her heart when she found out about sana asking for a divorce. nayeon deserves so much better than someone who would only stay by her side because her soul has never been able to withstand being away from the woman she used to call her best friend- she doesn't know what nayeon is to her now, doesn't know what she'll be when her tears will dry and she will try to push her away like she always does. 

nayeon deserves someone's wholehearted support, not a hidden feeling of relief from witnessing her failing marriage.

mina is not sure she ever will succeed in being that person for her, but she will try, even if it hurts, even if she can't look at her own reflection in a mirror again, she will try until nayeon obtains what she so desperately needs.

"i need another glass." nayeon suddenly declares, still having trouble breathing as she wipes the half-dried tears on her cheeks and stands up from the leather couch- sana chose it years ago, said it would add to the rustic style of the apartment, and nayeon has always hated it. her feet get caught in the carpet and she almost trips on her way to the dark wooden cabinet in which reside the expensive alcohol she's bought for special occasions. a divorce seems special enough for a bottle of whiskey and her dislike of the beverage doesn't exactly matter when her only goal is to forget. 

two glass in hand and the bottle in the other, she turns back to face mina and is quick to look away when all she can decipher is pity. it's unnerving, this feeling of being watched as if each of her moves were wrong and would lead to her own destruction. but it's probably not entirely wrong either. 

"want one?" she asks, her own glass already half-filled as she leans over the table and waits for mina's answer, bottle still in her hand. 

"i'm not sure that's a good idea. someone has to watch over you, and until you're feeling better, i fear for you that it will be me." mina sighs, and nayeon doesn't seem to want to answer as she simply brings the glass to her lips. she far prefers feeling the burn of the alcohol on her tongue over the fire burning in her heart and taking with itself the remaining feelings she's never quite gotten to get rid of for sana. 

"i don't need anyone to watch over me, myoui." nayeon slowly walks towards the glass wall, the city aligned in an almost surreal picture in front of the window. "well, if that's still your last name, of course. it's not like i know much about you anymore."

i never changed. everything is just as it was years before, and that's the problem.  

"don't make this be about me." mina doesn't know if she refuses to allow the attention to be on her because she wants to focus on helping nayeon with what she knows will not be an easy task, or because she's terrified of falling for her again, terrified of what it means, for nayeon to acknowledge her existence after all this time. "i could be gone by next morning if you want me to, nayeon. but i don't think it would do you any good. and that's why i'm staying."

nayeon knows mina is right but doesn't comment on it. instead, she continues to drink, eyes gliding from one illuminated window to another. she wonders if anyone there had a worse night than she did, wonders if another couple broke up, wonders if screams resonated between the walls of the rooms she can barely perceive with the distance and the blinds. 

there's something unrealistic about this night. from the sky, heavy as it overhangs their head, to the sensation of having lost absolutely everything, stripped of her every possession, even the immaterial ones. and mina being here only adds to the sensation of this all being a hallucination that became far too real. because there's no doubting the ache in her heart, the tremble of her hand as she brings the now half-empty glass to cherry-colored lips, or even the words sana screamed at her.

it's all far too real and yet nothing about it makes sense. at least, she refuses to believe that it does. refuses to think that she lost sana and found mina again, all in the same night. but life has always been known to play unexpected tricks on her. 

mina stands up from the couch, reaching for the bottle of whiskey and the empty glass and putting them back into the cabinet, one she notes in a corner of her head to lock. nothing good ever comes out of alcohol, and a sad tipsy nayeon is definitely not a good idea if she genuinely wants to try and fix things, no matter how hopeless it all is. 

"i'm sure you'll want to go back to my wife at some point." mina sees nayeon biting her lip as soon as the words escape her mouth as if it was all a mistake, a slip up she shouldn't have allowed. she avoids the carpet and once again finds herself standing right next to nayeon, and silence once again takes over the earlier sobs and harsh words.

silence with nayeon never sounds empty. mina thinks she can hear the soft melody of a piano playing in a corner of her mind, sad music that oddly enough reflects their relationship far too accurately. silence with nayeon is heartbreaking, but neither of them can ever escape it. not when it's so much easier than lies.

before she can once again bring her in a hold, nayeon already breathing just a bit harder than usual as she waits for a touch that never comes, the front door slips open. nayeon is quick to turn around, expecting it to be sana, believing that she came back, ready to apologize and acknowledge all of this has a very big mistake. but she's wrong. of course, she is. 

"mommy!" the eleven years old child rushes across the room and before nayeon can react, his arms envelop her waist in a tight hug. whiskey spills from her glass as she's forced to step back in order to stabilize both of them, and before she can worry about it, mina takes it from her hand.

"i'll leave you two. find me in the kitchen when you're be done." mina's eyes land on the boy, hwan from what sana told her when he was born, and she knows from the smile now gracing nayeon's lips that her presence would only be superfluous now. 

she can hear nayeon's teary voice from the other room, leaning against the wall separating them. and along with it, all of the love she feels for her son as she asks him about his piano lessons, and puts behind herself all of the harshness of reality for a short instant. 

the last moment of peace she will be able to catch in what will feel close to eternity. 

-----

mina has been waiting for nayeon for thirty minutes now. not that she's counting. 

(in all truth, mina has been waiting for nayeon for years. 

but it seems she hasn't gotten tired of it just yet, always willing to wait if it means she'll someday be lucky enough to hold her in her arms, and be the source of her bright smiles.)

she decides to look for her again, the loud laughter of her son and her still soft but happy voice having died down a few minutes ago, now replaced by a heavy silence. it's odd. to be walking in a home that's not hers, a home that could have been hers, without nayeon to guide her. 

the living room is barely illuminated by a designer lamp, one sana proudly sent her a picture of years ago when nayeon bought it as a present for her. it's expensive, and so nayeon- as much as everything that makes up their home. it's been so long since she last talked to her, only keeping contact with sana who, even after everything that took place between the three of them, never held a grudge against her. but she still feels like she knows nayeon better than anyone ever will, even after all this time they spent apart, nayeon has not changed in the slightest.

her tears still shine like diamonds, her pain is still as intense as it was when she left, and the giggles she heard when she was taking care of her son still work in making her heart soar with a feeling she has been trying to find in someone else during these years but never came close to again.

she remembers nayeon telling her about her dreams when they were still in high school. remembers one of them being to be able to wake up to the sight of a still asleep city, laid out in front of her eyes for her to admire as she so deeply wished. it's oddly enough one of her strongest memories of nayeon from then. each of her dreams is still intact in her mind, so much that she never found the place to allow herself to have her own dreams. 

her journey ends in front of a door with red and pink letters glued onto the white painted wood. it's not entirely closed and soft light is visible from under it, illuminating her feet. mina quietly opens it and pauses in the entrance, a smile that is half nostalgic and half admirable expressing her reaction in front of the sight she finds there far too well.

despite what took place here a few hours ago, nayeon is smiling in her sleep, dried tears still visible on her cheeks. and the hold she keeps around her son is far too strong not to convey all of the hurt barely laying dormant in her heart, a pain she herself chose to put aside for now. for him. 

her feet make too much sound for her liking on the wooden floor, and she takes the slippers she put on when stepped into the apartment off when she finally enters the room. when she leaves a few minutes later, closing the door behind herself, the light is turned off and a fluffy pillow that wasn't there before is under nayeon's head, relieving her neck of its earlier bad position. 

mina falls asleep in one of the spare bedrooms. she thinks back to the hotel room she's currently staying in as her eyelids fall shut, thinks back to her house in osaka, and realizes that she feels a lot more at home here, a few meters away from nayeon, than she ever did there. 

-----

when nayeon wakes up, she rushes to each of the apartment's rooms, searching for what she knows she'll never get back.

it feels like running in a maze with no exit, with no reward for whoever is able to reach its center. instead, all she finds is emptiness, reflecting the one spreading in her heart at a dangerously fast pace, and her tears are back when her own instincts bring her to the bedroom she shared with her wife for over a decade. the bed is perfectly made, a rare occurrence at this time of the day when she usually has to go work and scolds sana for having forgotten to tidy their room. 

but there's no sana anymore. 

only the ghosts of a flame that has been put out reside in the room, in the photos of their marriage hung on the walls, in the jewelry sana always left on her bedside table before falling asleep, a detail nayeon always noticed before her wife did. 

when nayeon cries then, it's not from bitterness, not from anger over the decision her wife took without ever telling her about the plans she supposes had been swimming in her mind for a while now. 

no, when nayeon cries, it's because she misses sana. misses the flaws she never saw as such, misses how easy their relationship used to be, and the breakfast she would happily prepare for their family every morning.

nayeon cries for what she lost and isn't sure she will ever get back. from sana, or anyone else. 

-----

"morning." mina's voice resonates in her mind but it takes a while for nayeon to realize she's being spoken to. she's still standing in the entrance to their bedroom, wrinkles on her clothes from the agitated night she has spent in her son's small bed. her shirt is half-tucked out of her skirt, adding to a look she couldn't care less about right now. "i prepared you coffee. hopefully your tastes haven't changed and you still like it black with two pieces of sugar."

although mina can only see nayeon's back, she knows the woman is surprised to find her here still. she had probably believed that mina would leave by the time morning came. 

everyone always leaves, so why not her. 

"yeah, that hasn't changed." she clears her throat before turning around to face her. only then does nayeon notice mina's short hair, last night nothing but a blur she wishes had been a nightmare she would end up waking up from. it gives an elegant addition to her looks that serves in nayeon realizing just how grown up the woman standing in front of her is. "i'm surprised you would remember something so meaningless."

nothing about you ever was meaningless to me.

nayeon accepts the warm cup of coffee, pausing when she sees what mina is holding in her other hand. it's the cup she helped hwan paint for mother's day two years ago, one that reads 'mama', an object sana certainly held at a higher place in her heart than their wedding ring. an uncomfortable ache spreads in her heart when mina brings it to her lips, unperturbed by the absent look in nayeon's eyes. 

"how are you doing today?" mina asks, biting down on her lip because she knows there's no use in asking such a question to a woman whose heart has just been broken in the most unexpected of ways. but talking to nayeon has always made her nervous and she's suddenly back to her high school self, blushing every time nayeon looks her way. 

the woman chuckles, taking a sip of her coffee to clear her mind from a haze she's not sure has anything to do with tiredness. her smile is empty of any humor, and it reminds mina of a distant memory she would rather forget. 

"the woman i loved asked for a divorce and then ran away. how exactly do you think i feel, mina?" her words taste bitter in her own mouth when mina looks away in shame, a light pink appearing on her cheeks. 

"what i think doesn't matter. i only want to help here, nayeon, and i know this is far from being easy on you. but if you continue to push anyone who tries to help away don't you think it will make everything hurt more?" 

nayeon's lips part as if trying to tell mina something important, but she seems to think against it and sighs, leaning back against the wall. she looks almost ashamed of her own outburst and bites her tongue, the same way she's used to doing when the temptation to start an argument with sana became too much. 

"you're right. i'm sorry." nayeon finally relents. and the deep breath mina takes expresses how unsure she was of her own words. "i just... it's a lot, you know. i-i don't even know what i want or w-who i am anymore. i never expected this to happen."

and nayeon is already so close to breaking down again that mina thinks she can hear the cracks appearing on the surface of her heart and threatening to have it explode in a million pieces no one will ever be able to put back together again. but if it happens, and she has no choice but to spend years assembling each one of them until nayeon is whole again, then she will. 

right before nayeon can feel a tear sliding down her cheek, the voice of a child reaches their ears. and suddenly, it feels like mina or anyone else for the matter is forgotten as she rushes into the living room, leaving her in the hallway as she goes to her son.

"morning, sweetheart." nayeon's voice is devoid of anything but pure joy from seeing her son, standing in front of the couch as he calls out for her. "slept well?" 

he nods, nayeon placing her cup on the coffee table to allow him to jump in her arms. it's a ritual she will never allow herself to lose, even if everything she's ever known and loved gets torn down in front of her very eyes, the hugs her son asks for every morning is not something she will be able to let go of. hwan lays a small kiss on her neck, arms wrapped around his mother, and nayeon feels like she can finally breathe, 

"where is mama?" 

until she's suffocating again. 

she should have known to prepare herself for this, should have anticipated all of the questions an eleven-year-old child would ask in front of his other mother's absence. but it all happened so quickly that it slipped from nayeon's mind, and she's left speechless as her son waits for an answer, his arms tightening around her neck as if he could feel how torn she is. he's so young and yet far too smart, of course he would know that something is wrong.

"mama... mama is-"

"hwan! look who's here today!" joy overflows from mina's voice, a clear difference between nayeon's who had been so close to breaking down, this time in front of her son which would have had far too many consequences. before she has to think of anything, hwan looks behind her shoulder and innocent unaltered laughter echoes in the room, a sound nayeon is scared will disappear with sana. 

"auntie mina!" he calls out her name with a bright smile, arms now stretched toward mina who decided to make her presence known when she understood the situation nayeon found herself in. nayeon feels him slipping out of her arms as mina takes him into hers, and relief washes over her in waves, chest heaving as she breathes hard. 

"i told you i would come to meet you someday, didn't i. and you can never break a pinky promise, right sweety?" mina is holding him almost naturally, her smile strained although it is filled with honesty, joy shining in her eyes from getting to meet the child sana always gushed about. they saw each other through sana's  phone many times before, and years ago, she promised to come here in korea to see him. 

it's clear he hasn't forgotten a thing about their short but nonetheless meaningful interactions through the screen of a phone. 

"did you come to play chess with me? mama said you would teach me when you come!" 

"of course. anything you want, i'll even buy you a puppy, someone told me you wanted one." she whispers the last part in his ear, loud enough for nayeon to hear judging from the sad smile spreading on her lips. his squeals of joy break through the tense mood entirely and mina can see the good it does to nayeon.

"how about we start now? mommy will go rest a bit, and we'll play together." 

hwan excitedly nods and runs to his bedroom when mina puts him back down to the floor, expecting mina to follow right after. but before leaving, mina takes a step closer to nayeon and reaches for her hands. 

"go rest a bit, take a warm bath, and we'll talk about all of this afterward. trust me when i say there's no rush." mina has that same look in her eyes as when nayeon suggested she leaves to search for sana, and she's not sure she likes it. 

"but what if she's waiting for me to-"

"no." mina swallows hard, eyelids slipping shut as she tries to find the right words- or the right lies- to appease her aching heart. "i'm sure she will still be waiting in a few hours. it's only 7, knowing sana she's certainly still sleeping." 

this makes nayeon chuckle, memories of her wife refusing to leave the warm sheets of their bed until she threatened to leave without giving her a kiss rushing through her mind. her grip on mina's hands suddenly tightens, and she nods, letting go of her and watching as she follows after her son, uncertainty flashing in her eyes. 

mina hates having to lie, but there's only so much pain one can take before they break entirely. 

and nayeon has always been the most fragile out of the three of them.

----

when mina sees nayeon an hour later, hwan entirely focused on learning how to play chess and allowing her to step out for a few minutes, she realizes leaving nayeon on her own for so long might not have been such a great idea.

she's in the bedroom mina found her standing in front of this morning, pacing from one side of the room to another, naked feet barely making any noise even though her steps are far from being calm. her clothes are just as they were when she last saw her, but the top button of her shirt is missing, fingers fiddling with the second one threatening to tear it from the white silk shirt as well. 

anxiety oozes from her in waves. it's not a sight mina had ever wanted to see, nayeon's hair a mess from the number of times she's passed a hand through it. it hurts to see her like this, and mina almost finds herself hating sana for putting nayeon through this, for running away like a coward would instead of facing the consequences of her own decisions.

nayeon is clutching her phone in one hand, waiting for whoever she's calling to answer. the ache in her arm came after the twentieth unanswered call and her hand trembles as hope spread in her chest when she realizes that her wife didn't immediately hang up, the phone still ringing in her ear in a deafening melody. 

"nayeon, why aren't you resting?" mina asks, fully stepping into the room and closing the door behind herself in case hwan ever decides to join them. 

it's once again a useless question, the answer pretty clear from the way she bites her nails as she waits, endlessly, for sana to pick up. deep down, nayeon hopes that her wife will call her, crying, and apologize for everything she's put her through last night, a nightmare that only seems to be continuing now. she hopes that sana will regret each of her words, each of the screams she directed at nayeon, and come back home to her and hwan, because he needs her as much as she believes she does. 

life with sana might not have always been easy, but it was the easiest way for things to be. their arguments never really stopped, and she could see in her wife's eyes that her anger transformed into exhaustion. but she had hoped, just like she does now, that their relationship would go back to the way it was, with the shy murmured confessions late at night when one believed the other to be sleeping. with the earnest smiles and the attention they both gave to small details. with love overcoming a wave of far too present anger. 

hope had not been enough, she supposes. 

and when the bubbly voice she knows so well tells her to call back later, and she looks up to find mina standing in front of the door, her arms crossed in clear disappointment, she understands just how hopeless she's become. perhaps do shooting stars work differently than she had believed, and after allowing so many of her wishes to come true, they're now making the exact contrary of what she so desperately wants to happen.

(perhaps not. 

perhaps are they only bringing to reality an old wish nayeon has forgotten about. 

perhaps is she too blinded by the pain, by the loss of who she thinks had been her soulmate, to see what's right in front of her.) 

"i needed to call her but... she's not answering. i can't understand why, i swear i won't get mad if she answers, i only want to tell her i love her." nayeon frowns, throwing her phone on the bed with a sigh when mina's eyes serve as a mirror, allowing her to see just how desperate she looks. she hates it, hates the way her own reflection looks in those warm brown eyes. "what if she's forgotten? what if she thinks i stopped loving her when she's all i have?"

mina sighs, walking closer to the bed as nayeon takes a seat on the previously spotless sheets. she wishes she could tell nayeon that she has a lot more, that sana wasn't, shouldn't have ever been her everything. she wishes sana would answer her phone and bring peace to nayeon's racing heart although something tells her that none of her words will surely end in reassuring nayeon of her worth.

she knows far too well how much pain one goes through when their feelings are unrequited, when their soaring heart never finds the peace of being loved back. and despite all of this, the pain shining in nayeon's eyes is one she's never seen. it burns, a weak flame flashing in the eyes that have been residing in so many of her daydreaming, and it threatens to leave nothing but ashes on its wake.

tears escape her eyes, her breathing labored as she still waits for sana to call her back, to explain everything before it's too late. to tell her she loves her even after all of this. 

"what if she did, nayeon? there's nothing you can do about it, not now." a hand tentatively reaches for nayeon's wrist as she sits right next to her, glancing at the door to make sure hwan isn't searching for her. "give her time. i know... i know you expect her to come back soon, but i think considering the possibility that she won't might be a safer idea."

her tears are silent this time, sobs threatening to erupt from her chest but laying dormant under the surface of her skin. she looks down, deep in thoughts. she hates that mina is right, hates that she shouldn't cling to what could very well never happen, to a near future in which everything will have gone back to normal. nayeon should be prepared for the changes that will certainly sweep her off her feet in a storm, one she can prepare herself for, or simply welcome with open arms even if it leads her to destruction. 

but admitting all of this out loud would make it all far too real. it would mean she's actually lost the love of her life, the woman who has shared her life for years, through the rare better and the far too present worse. 

"she will." nayeon lies. to mina and to herself. it reminds her of an old memory, an impression of deja vu she only brushes away. "sana wouldn't... she wouldn't leave me-" 

the low sound of her phone vibrating on the bed cuts her off, and before she can think of preparing herself for disappointment or an inevitable pain, nayeon turns back to reach for it. but before she can unlock it, the new message she's received appears on the screen, and she freezes. 

time seems to stop for long minutes, nayeon staring at a now black screen as her hands shake slightly. it only seems to flow again when mina brings her in arms, not needing much more than the sight of a now heavily crying nayeon to know that nothing good came out of this text. the before stillness of the moment is broken by sobs, and mina truly wishes things didn't have to be this way. for any of them. 

later, when nayeon will finally be calm in her arms, mina will reach for the phone that fell from her hands and witness the words that gave the final blow to nayeon. and a tear of her own will slide down her cheek, a single diamond leaving traces of a shared pain in its wake. 

"i don't want to talk right now. you'll receive the divorce papers soon. goodbye, nayeon." 

-----

"i have to go. i'm already late, and a client will be waiting for me soon." nayeon's tears have stopped now, and she's breathing normally again, but the thought of leaving her on her own is one mina can't stand. she wants to be there for her at all times, wants to be the arms she turns to when it gets too much, wants to be the hands that will pick up each lost pieces of her heart. but she has a job she needs to be at, and the day she'll put nayeon in front of it is one she dreads. "will you be alright here? i can drive hwan to school if you don't want to leave." 

nayeon watches as mina reaches for a dark red leather bag, only then noticing she left it in the entrance when she arrived last night. everything she does seems to be happening in slow motion, certainly, because her mind has trouble catching up with the reality of it all. 

"no, thank you. i'll pass by the office and work and bit, it might be good to think of something else for a while." her mouth is dry, and she eyes the cabinet, raising an eyebrow when she notices that the key is missing. a simple glance at mina is enough for her to know exactly why that is, and she can't find the strength in herself to be angry over a woman she hasn't talked to in years making decisions in her place. after all, mina has always fought for her happiness.

(at least, that's how it used to be. 

she remembers how eager she always was to please nayeon, how she chased after each of her laugh and smile as if she was the most precious star out of all of the ones hung over their head. 

it had scared her then. 

but today, she's realized there are much scarier things in life than someone falling in love with her a bit too deep.) 

"yeah. don't overdo it though."

"what exactly do you do now?" nayeon asks, diverting the attention from herself to mina. if it is from the desire to find out more about her, or because she feels uncomfortable talking about herself, neither of them really know. 

"i'm a lawyer. a corporate lawyer." a light disappointment fills her heart when she realizes sana didn't tell nayeon about her- but what really makes her sad is to think nayeon never bothered to ask. "our law firm in japan has a lot of korean clients so we've decided to send a few of our best associates here and... here i am." 

"are you staying then?" and nayeon genuinely seems interested then. 

"yes. i think i am. i'm the project's leader, so i suppose i will be spending a lot of time in korea from now on." neither of them ever really stare in each other's eyes, tension rising a bit more with each question nayeon asks. mina is careful about each of her word, scared to lose control over her own thoughts and talk too much. not that she's lying about any of this, but some would say keeping a part of the truth silent is the same. "oh, i almost forgot to give you my number. is there anywhere i could write it?"

nayeon seems thrown off by the request. she at first believed mina to be gone when she would awake, and later believed this moment to be the only one they would share before she comes running back to sana. but she supposes she was once again wrong about her. 

she's never really been able to read through the lines of mina's words, nor is she as good as mina is with her when it comes to understanding what her eyes express. that's part of the reason why mina will always stay a mystery to her. but what she doesn't know, is that mina is only waiting for her to uncover said mystery. 

"sure, i should have thought of it too."

nayeon finally realizes she was spacing out and opens a drawer, the sound of keys cutting through the silence spreading over the room as she rummages through it. mina is quick to write her number on the post-it nayeon hands her, and when she gives it back, she sincerely hopes it will not go to waste, hopes that nayeon will realize she hasn't lost everyone. 

"if you ever feel like talking, or in case you need something, call me, okay?" her grip on the strap of her bag tightens the closer she gets to passing through the door that will separate her from nayeon. she's been waiting to get to see her again for so long that she should be used to being away from her. but in a way, she thinks it's all going to hurt a lot more now. "i'm staying in a hotel not far from here until i find a place to stay at, so don't feel guilty about it."

nayeon considers it for a while, until a light smile breaks on her lips. "ok. thank you, for last night and... this morning. i'm glad you were here." 

mina spends the next ten minutes sitting in her unmoving car in silence, hands on the steering wheel, mind empty save for the image of nayeon's smile, no matter how apathetic it had been. 

(and as her heart beats wildly in her chest, she wonders if this is what love in its purest of forms is supposed to feel like.

she wonders if nayeon isn't the key that unlocked her heart, that allowed her to finally breathe again, to feel and with it to allow all of the love and the hurt lying dormant in her mind to come rushing back to the surface. 

she wonders if her one and only wish might come true, after all.)

-----

mina's mind is occupied by nayeon for the rest of the day. even when she tries to focus on work, contracts laid out on her desk and waiting for her to read through each of them, her every thought leads her to nayeon, one way or another. 

it's worse than it was before, when she had a life back in japan after quite literally running away from korea and the feelings slowly poisoning her heart. forgetting about what she had here in the first place had been an arduous task, one she never truly succeeded at, and that's why she took so long to even consider coming back. she knew that it would all come back, everything she had tried to push to the back of her mind in desperate attempts at forgetting about what had been the consequences of a single night that had been the apogee of her life back then. 

and yet she couldn't stay in japan, couldn't continue to allow the ghost of what she had believed to be faded feelings to haunt her. sana had asked her to come, and this time, she had agreed, given into her friends' pleas for a very selfish reason. 

mina sighs, glancing down at the cartier watch on her wrist to confirm she had once again got lost in her own thoughts of nayeon. another ten minutes wasted to reminisce a past that will forever stay right where they all left it. her job is the only part of her life she doesn't link to nayeon, the only thing she did for herself, going against everyone's expectations, including her own. but even this, it seems, she won't be able to keep nayeon out of.

her eyes land on her phone every few minutes, waiting for news from her best friend, but more importantly from nayeon. she wants to believe she'll be alright, that nayeon won't need someone by her side to handle the emotional weight of it all. but she knows her far too well to expect it to be the case, and what scares her above everything is the idea of a lonely nayeon, crying on her own over what she lost and will never get back.

because no matter what she might hope for, sana is never coming back. lying had been so easy and yet she still feels guilty, hates herself for allowing nayeon to think she will be able to make sana change her mind on this. lying has always been the easy option, especially for a coward like her when it comes to facing nayeon. but it doesn't mean her lies do not hang over her head in a constant reminder of just what she did for days afterward.

a knock on her office door brings her back to the present, and she scolds herself for having achieved so little today. 

"hey, myoui, you can leave early today." one of her coworkers says, daehyun, a man who has been far too good to mina ever since she joined the firm for there not to be any ulterior motives behind his actions. he's never been annoying about it, only asking her out every year for christmas, and going his own way without a word when mina refuses. "i feel like staying at the office tonight, so do me a favor and go home. search for a place too, that hotel of yours might be nice but it won't last in time."

he doesn't wait for an answer, never truly expecting one from her, and his face disappears from the door as it closes behind him. it's usually not an offer mina would take him on, mostly because work has been her own way to escape the complexity of her current life. but despite all of this, she grabs the contracts still untouched on her desk, puts them in her bag, and before she can think twice about her choice, slips her coat on as she walks to the elevator.

as she walks to her car, her phone buzzes in the back pocket of her pants and she hurriedly reaches for it, heart racing as a woman in particular appears in her mind. 

hwan baked a chocolate cake. he says it's your favorite. so just in case, you can join us after dinner at 9 pm sharp. don't be late, he has school tomorrow.  - unknown number. 

mina is frozen as she reads the text, immediately adding the number to her contacts. the urgency in nayeon's words certainly is one she didn't want mina to see, but she knows nayeon would have never invited her to join them if she didn't have a good reason to- and her son's chocolate cake certainly does not fall in the 'good reason' category for her. 

a smile replaces her early sorrowful expression, and she eagerly tells nayeon she will be there, rushing to her own car so as to get home early enough to have time to prepare herself for the evening. 

-----

nayeon watches over her son as her eats the remaining pieces of chocolate they didn't use during the preparation. brown has almost entirely covered his mouth, his hands in a far worse situation, and she chuckles, a distant memory rushing back to the front of her mind. 

it features sana during their wedding, chocolate cake smudged on her cheeks as she eagerly ate what was left of her slice, eyeing the one in the plate of who she was now allowed to call as her wife. nayeon kept her own slice for her, and only tasted their wedding cake on her lips, when she cleaned her face with teasing kisses. she can still hear sana's laugh, in all of its earnestness, ringing in her ears like a childhood lullaby, nostalgia soaring in her heart. 

her phone vibrates on the table, and a short glance at its screen is enough for her to know to keep a third plate out this the evening. but her eyes catch onto something entirely different from the text, a picture of sana holding a five-year old hwan in her arms on the beach, a sunset washing over them in light sunlight. 

"we were never meant for each other, nayeon, and i'm sure you know this as much as i do. i'm exhausted, so fucking tired of pretending." 

her most recent memory of her wife is so far away from the ones accumulated in her mind, the ones that made her feel like they would be able to surpass any hardship, like the would be able to move mountains as long as they did it hand in hand. nothing like the screams that had bounced between the walls of their home, nothing like the tears of frustration and anger streaming down her face as she begged nayeon to stop pleading for her to go back on her decision. 

nothing like the woman who had broken her heart after she gave it to her for so long, trusted her to protect its fragile glass walls. a glass that is now stained with invisible bruises. 

her son laughs, and without thinking, so does she. there are tears shining in her eyes through laughter, but he doesn't seem to notice them. and instead, stands on his chair in a way that would surely make sana scream in fear of watching him fall, leans over the table and cups his mother's cheeks. nayeon acts shocked by the action, and he immediately gets down from the chair and runs away, clearly expecting her to chase after him. 

the traces of chocolate on her cheeks hide the tears she couldn't stop from falling, and she wonders if the excuse of sana being gone for business will work for much longer on him.

wonders if she will always be able to protect him from the cruel reality what remains of a loving family.

-----

"did you actually invite me for cake?" mina asks later on that same day, hwan sleeping soundly in his room as they share a cup of tea- mina still isn't allowing her access to the bottles of expensive wines- in what is remotely close to silence, save for a few words of politeness. "that's not very nayeon of you." 

nayeon only chuckles dryly, taking a sip of the chamomile tea before putting the cup back onto the coffee table. she takes a deep breath, wondering if being honest to her wife's best friend is a good idea when said wife refuses to talk to her and is planning on getting a divorce. and yet despite knowing this, mina feels like the only person she can talk to right now.

(it's not that nayeon doesn't have friends to hear her out. she does.

but talking to mina is so easy. if it is because she was here to almost see it happen or because she's always been able to know how she feels without her needing to be forced to put too many words over her struggles, nayeon doesn't know.

but something tells her she doesn't need to hide anything from mina. even though she can never be sure mina isn't hiding a lot from her.)

"is it really so hard to believe? i have never been known to refuse anything to hwan." she avoids staring straight at mina although the woman's entire attention is focused on her.

"well, in case the reason behind this invitation was you needing someone by your side, i'm glad you chose me." 

mina wishes this had been the case all these years ago. wishes nayeon had chosen her, no matter how illogical said choice would have been in the eyes of everyone else. it brings a certain peace to her heart, to know nayeon truly wanted her there. a short-lived peace, but peace nonetheless.

"it wasn't. but i'm glad i chose you too, i suppose." a light smile spreads on her lips, and she's surprised to realize she didn't have to force herself this time, surprised to know her heart beats in sync with her mind. 

"i know i wasn't very present for you these past few years. well, especially with how close i am to... to sana. i just didn't think you'd want to see me again after what happened." the last part is said in a low murmur and nayeon would have missed it if it weren't for the heavy silence of the room. 

nayeon's features harden, their previous soften erased as memories rush back to the front of her mind, flashing in front of closed eyelids. 

"it's not like i tried to reach you myself anyway, no need to feel guilty about it. and this might not be the kind of reunion i had imagined for the two of us, but i suppose it's better than nothing, right?" 

"right." nayeon looks up from the horizon, skyline visible from the couch, and sees a flash of guilt pass through mina's eyes. it quickly disappears, and mina breathes deeply, as if waiting for the right moment to speak. "any news from sana?" 

"no more than what i received this morning. i passed by the places she loves around the block during my lunch break but... she was nowhere to be seen. the boutique was closed too, so i suppose she didn't work today." her eyes shine with unshed tears, but her voice is stronger than it used to be last night, the threat of imminent sobs taking over her body not as intense. that's a good sign, a reassurance that someday, she will be okay, and will heal as time passes. 

although nayeon certainly hasn't reached the end of the living nightmare she finds herself stuck in. 

"are you... do you know what you're going to do next?" 

nayeon shakes her head, once again looking away from mina. "i sent her a text earlier today. told her what i thought about... about divorce, told her i still loved her and that i'm ready to put all of this behind us if she comes back home. told her hwan misses his other mother. but she hasn't even seen it so, i guess all i can do is wait now."

it hurts, to think nayeon is ready to forgive sana so easily when she cut mina off from her life entirely at the first mistake. she wonders what her best friend did to deserve such forgiveness from a woman like nayeon, wonders if this isn't what's actually unfair about her relationship with nayeon. at the first wrong move, she didn't even deign throw her a last glance as she broke her heart, but sana is the one who gets to reside in her chest, she's the one who gets loved without even loving back. 

"i don't understand why she won't call you back, that's not the sana i know." mina blinks, trying to clear her own thoughts from the lies that are starting to sound far too much like the truth. 

and nayeon seems to think of something as she angles her body toward mina, suddenly frowning as she stares at her with renewed attention.

"did sana not tell you about her plans? she's your best friend, isn't it weird for her to take such a drastic decision without telling you about it first? my wife always asks for advice before making any kind of decision, that's a bit odd."

"she didn't tell me anything. i could see she was acting a bit nervous recently but she never mentioned wanting to get a divorce. honestly, all we talked about recently was hwan."

seemingly convinced, nayeon nods, leaning back in the couch as she considers what mina just told her. 

it doesn't make sense, none of this really does. and if sana truly wishes to end everything they spent years building, then she's going to need to find out why. 

but the rapid beat of her heart tells her she might not like the answer. 

-----

nayeon only lets herself cry when mina finally leaves, late at night. she knows she would have rather stayed, probably expecting nayeon to need someone to console her when sana's absence gets too much, but she doesn't want to rely on her too much. 

she meant to be strong tonight, meant to resist the pain coursing through her veins. 

but tears unconsciously start streaming down her cheeks as soon as she lays in bed, the harsh cold of the sheets mirroring the ice slowly spreading in her heart and turning it into a fragile piece that could easily be crushed. 

she was the one who always came home late, her job as a marketing director being a lot more time consuming than she had first anticipated. when she arrived, the table was set, their son laying on the couch as he played with the switch mina got him for his birthday. still now, silently crying in bed, she can vividly remember the numerous bouquets of flowers sana made just for her, bringing them home from the florist shop she bought at the beginning of their relationship and handled on her own. 

it was a small gesture but one she adored nonetheless. one she will never get to experience this again. 

and now, she's the one picking up hwan from school. the apartment is empty when she steps into it and she knows that sooner or later, she will reach the end of the list of recipes she can properly cook without giving anyone food poisoning. the bed is cold, and so is the night as sleep finally takes her in its arms. 

nayeon dreams of sana that night. and all of the nights that follow. 

she dreams of stars shining brightly in the dark canvas that is the sky, and of feeling sana's soft arms encircling her waist as they watch the scenery together, hearts beating in sync. her dreams sometimes turn into nightmares, ones in which she reminisces all of the pain they involuntarily inflicted on each other. 

her nights are endless voids of flurries of memories. her days seem to escape the limits of reality as she waits for a sign of life from her wife. 

and when she doesn't feel like waiting alone, she calls mina, and tries to resist the call of her arms, ones she knows would be a far better place to cry into than the coldness of her bed. it's a short-lived respite but one she needs to go on with her life nonetheless. mina's soft words and stories of her life back in japan are enough to stop nayeon's thoughts from being constantly occupied by sana, and by her need to know if she could have done anything before she left that would have made this all hurt a lot less. 

(nayeon isn't yet ready to take her wedding ring off. 

certainly because it would feel like tearing apart a piece of her own soul, one she will never be able to get back. 

but she would rather blame the diamond ring still being around her finger on the need to keep up the appearances for as long as she can for their son.)

-----

mina only lets herself hope that someday her one and only wish will come true late at night, throwing a glance at the last picture she took of nayeon before her eyes slip shut as she welcomes sleep.

it's hard to believe they once were as close as they appear to be on the polaroid, the immortalized moment engraved into her heart like a scar made of an embroidered golden thread. 

sana hadn't been there then, it had been one of the rare moments they spent together, alone, without there being a need for whispered confessions and hidden smiles. but even then, it had been about the three of them. it always was, after all.

she wonders when nayeon, sana and mina became nayeon and sana with a quiet shadow watching from the side in envy. at first, she had put the blame on nayeon. she's the one who made the final choice after all, her words are the ones that rang in mina's ears for days, weeks, months. but she had then put herself in her place, wondered if she had the right to be angry at the woman she loved when the dilemma she was faced with was hard enough to separate them.

her anger had ceased when months became years. 

but the woman she loved stayed just that. 

-----

mina usually starts her day with a warm cup of tea and a smile mindlessly thrown at the picture on her bedside table. 

she spends long minutes staring by the window at the slowly waking city, glad that she chose the suite on the highest floor. it's not something she feels proud of, perfectly aware of why she feels so much safer the closer she gets to the clouds, never quite forgetting about the days she used to spend at the highest place in her childhood town, observing the stars with a mind empty of any of its demons. those moments made her who she is today, shaped her heart for it to never be complete until its missing piece would finally come back. until she would run back to it. 

and when the cup has lost all of its warmth, tea now cold on her tongue, she comes back to her senses, comes back to the woman she now is and forgets about the girl she once was. 

mina is used to starting her days with guilt invading her mind and a fake smile on her lips, the reason why she avoids seeing her reflection in the morning. ever since she arrived in korea, no more than two weeks ago, she's realized that she can barely stand having to see herself in a mirror. it forces her to face the emptiness residing in her eyes, and the harsh reality of her current life. 

but nothing goes as it usually does now that nayeon is back in her life- or that she's back in hers, she supposes. 

this time, her day starts with the loud ringing of her phone forcing her out of sleep, ten minutes before her alarm had the opportunity to slowly ease her out of sleep with one of the ballads she listens to when she needs to empty her mind.

this time, her day starts with tears that are not her own.

"nayeon? is everything alright, it's only 6 am" her voice is low from sleep, eyelids still heavy as she sits up in the king sized bed that came with the far too high price she has to pay for this suite. 

she does not immediately get an answer. instead, a heavy silence greets her. it's one that comes before thunder falls upon the ground and strikes what it lands on, and the crease of her eyebrows witnesses mina having understood this far too well. the silence is then broken by a half hidden sob, and she can almost feel the lightnings coursing through her at an alarming speed, threatening to destroy everything they encounter. 

"m-mina?"

nayeon sounds broken. 

it's not the first time she hears a sad nayeon, no, she knows exactly what she's like, has memorized the patterns her tears trace on her cheeks and the wobble of her lips right before she cries. but this is nothing like sadness. 

"yes, i- do you need me to come over?" panic is obvious in her voice as she pushes the sheets away, already preparing herself to run for nayeon. it's no different than running after her, and she happens to be an expert in both. "what's wrong?"

"it's sana. i- i received the divorce papers and…" nayeon pauses to breathe, the sobs coursing through her chest making it hard for her to speak. "it can't be real, mina, it can't be. it doesn't make sense, she would never do that to me. she loves me, right?"

"what wouldn't she do?" mina pauses before she can stand from the bed, fear flashing in her eyes as she herself suddenly has a hard time breathing. 

"she knows how much i love him, doesn't she? s-she wouldn't… no." 

"nayeon. what are you talking about?" 

and deep down, mina knew exactly what nayeon was too scared to say out loud. she knew a lot more than nayeon could ever imagine, and it made lying so much more painful. but she had hoped too, had wished for things to be different. 

it's the first mistake she realized she'd made. the first of many.

"it says… it says she's asking for sole custody of hwan." 

thunder rings out in her ears. 

it's not enough to hide the heart breaking sound of nayeon's sobs, sobs that make her feel like someone is ripping her heart apart as if nayeon's pain was her own.

"and that… if i refuse we'll have to go to court."

she only realizes there's no thunder outside when she parks in front of the building nayeon is waiting for her in, sun blinding her when she slips out of her car. 

-----

what have you done? - 6.12 

stay out of it. i'm not the one you should be talking to right now. - 6.15 

don't worry about this. i just didn't think you would go this far. isn't it… too much? - 6.16

i had no choice. don't text me again, i won't reply. - 6.20

-----

if only the stars could speak, they would warn nayeon of what's to come. 

Chapter Text

time stills for a day.

mina doesn't go to work and instead stays by nayeon's side and takes care of hwan. it's not her role, really, but it's all she can do to make things a bit easier on nayeon. it's all she can think of right now anyway.

she used to believe she would always know just what to do to make nayeon feel better when she herself believed to have lost everything. but what she's going through right now is not an obstacle anyone should ever have to overcome, and it leaves her speechless, a simple spectator of the woman's downfall. so mina watches as nayeon's tears of sorrow become ones of rage, watches helplessly as she continuously flicks the pages of the papers she received this morning.

when there used to be hope in her eyes, there is only disbelief now. 

denial is so much easier than having to face the words written on documents she's imagined herself burning in the fireplace. it's so much easier now but she knows it will only hurt more in the end. 

it's never stopped her from refusing to believe that any of this could be real. nayeon spent years ignoring the numerous quarrels she and sana went through, brushing away words meant to hurt and destroy, because it was easier that way. until sana chose that denial was not made for her, after all. but even today, even after she should have learned her lesson, learned how useless it is to deny the inevitable, nayeon still finds herself constantly denying the choice sana made in a silent and repetitive prayer that plays in a loop in her mind. 

the only person who's ever been able to stop her mind from formulating empty and unrealistic wishes is the same one who is currently by her side, the sound of keys deposited on the counter reaching her ears as she looks up from the papers she received. it's a blessing, at least she believes so. and it's not surprising at all, really, because mina has always been the pillar of her life. even when she wasn't here to witness her fall, it felt like her arms were the ones keeping her up. 

"i'm back." her voice brings nayeon out of her thoughts and a feeling of shame suddenly spreads in her chest when she realizes the state she's currently in. "did she call you back?"

nayeon shakes her head, looking down at her phone and its black screen, a mirror-like surface in which she can see her own expression and the emptiness in her eyes. "i think i need to get a lawyer. right?"

mina sighs, hating the words about to slip out of her mouth almost as much as she hates herself right now. slowly, she joins nayeon on the couch, sitting next to her and watching as she waits for her verdict. she's happy nayeon trusts her opinion on such important questions, but she also wishes she didn't have to be the one answering them.

"what do you want to do? i believe you should think about this first and consider what you need afterward." 

nayeon barely hesitates to answer. "if i can't… get my wife back, then i'll fight for my son. and i'll put him before anything else, you can be assured of that."

mina eyes the remaining traces of dried tears on nayeon's cheeks and the urge to tuck the strand of hair that fell in front of her eyes behind her ear is hard to ignore. but her hands stay on her thighs, because she shouldn't forget her place here. nayeon is accepting her presence because she's hurting and needs a shoulder to cry onto, but when she'll get better, when she'll be able to put all of this behind her, mina will remain what she was during all these years for her. 

a memory from the past that comes and goes. an invisible star, one that never really got to shine brighter than the others. 

"then yes, i suppose you'll need a lawyer."

nayeon swallows back her tears, the harshness of reality once again catching up with her wish to deny all of this until it disappears, until sana surges from behind the door and envelops her in one of the hugs she kept for rough times. they're not very different from her regular hugs, but she would always insist on there being a big difference between kissing nayeon on her forehead when she needed comfort and kissing her on the lips when she needed to feel loved. a dry chuckle escapes her lips from the memory and she shakes her head, trying to chase it away.

but it seems it's chasing after her instead. 

the simple thought of getting a lawyer, something sana has clearly already done, is enough to make her feel like she's betraying her. it's pathetic, she thinks, to still feel attached to someone who is currently trying to destroy her- because that's what this is, taking her child away from her is nothing but utter destruction. to want to protect her, and to stay faithful to the feelings that haven't yet quite died down.

although nayeon put a lot of importance to her family, she'd always believed she put herself before others. that's what she's like when she steps out of their home and puts on the mask that allowed her to be so successful, the same one she keeps around at work. but she supposes she'd never really put that mask on around sana, that she'd never felt the need to. 

it's not a choice she's able to regret, not even now, not even when it keeps her rage-filled heart from exploding although the tick of the clock in the living room does feel like a time bomb. 

"what's the worst that could happen if i get a lawyer and… if we have to fight in court?" 

"that's a difficult question to answer, i'm not sure-"

"just, be honest with me mina." the look nayeon shots her is painful, begging for her not to avoid the truth no matter how hurtful it might be. it's enough to get her to be entirely honest, without hidden truths or sweetened lies. a look from nayeon has always been enough to get her walls to crumble down. 

"i'm not an expert in divorces, but from what i've seen from a few of my colleagues, some can get pretty rough. if one of you isn't ready to settle for the other's wishes then, it could take months, years in the worst situations." mina can't look at nayeon as she speaks, she can't stand watching the fear she knows will be in her eyes bring her back down in what could very well be a final strike. "some go well, with a quick settlement. some don't, and only end when one of the two is left with nothing."

"and what do you think it'll be like for us?" 

"i don't know." a simple glance is enough for her to know nayeon doesn't believe a word of what she just said. "meet with a lawyer who is actually experienced in this and they'll tell you what you need to know. but there's not much i could add to this."

"can you be my lawyer?" 

they stare at each other in shock, nayeon not having expected those words to slip past her lips and mina having trouble believing she would trust her so easily, effortlessly. 

"i can't." and she's not sure she would want to anyway. "but i know a few good ones. the best in their field, probably. i can see what i can do for you." 

against anything she expected to happen, nayeon's answer is to bring her in a hug. it's nothing like the last one they both shared before mina left years ago, no, this one was apologetic and full of love. whereas nayeon's hold right now is one of gratitude, it expresses all of the 'thank yous' that wouldn't be enough as her head finds the place mina reserved for her on her shoulder. 

and she knows nayeon isn't simply thanking her for her promise to get her a competent lawyer. she can decipher all the unsaid words that hang in the air around them and she knows nayeon is grateful for her presence here. in a time like this, the smallest of help certainly means a lot, and by hugging her, nayeon wants her to know this. wants her to know that the past is allowed to stay there for a while longer, and should be forgotten to focus on the already complicated present. 

(in the back of her head, nayeon can't help but compare this hug to sana's.

she doesn't dare admit that the strong hold of mina's arms makes her feel a lot more loved than she ever did sharing sana's bed. 

nor does she dare think about the way she forgets about the present to be brought back to a peaceful past for the span of a few minutes, mina's soft flowery scent bringing her back to a time when everything was alright, and no one was hurt.

when she pulls away and once again forgets about it all, the heavy ache that left her heart is back, more intense than ever.)

"thank you. it means a lot." 

the don't leave me stays unsaid, but mina can see it flickering in nayeon's brown eyes when they both take time to look at one another. 

the magic is broken by time flowing again, and with it nayeon going back to studying black ink she's already gone through, again and again, desperately searching for something she knows she's lost and will never get back. and mina is once again back to observing the woman she loves hurt herself as the traces of dried tears are replaced by new ones, silently cascading down her cheeks. 

when mina leaves to call work and explain her absence, she stays close to nayeon, leaning against the door frame of the kitchen as she watches over her. 

the more she spends time with her, the more she sees herself as needed here, the harder it becomes for her to pull away entirely. no matter what time of the day it is, as long as she's not with nayeon an uncomfortable ache will spread in her chest, making it hard for her to breathe as if nayeon was the oxygen she needed to stay alive. 

and when she's finally back to her side, when her eyes land on the woman she treasures certainly more than her own life, everything falls back into place, and the puzzle is complete again, for a short while.

because mina is done with pretending nayeon is not the woman she loves, she's done with lying to herself about her feelings, done with denying the actual reason why she came back to korea the second sana told her to. it made it easier at first, it made seeing nayeon as a broken porcelain doll hurt less- or at least, that's what she believed- but it didn't last long enough. 

now a bit over a week since she first saw nayeon again, mina is back as one of the stars circling around her, falling back into her orbit and hoping to someday have the chance of getting closer. even if nayeon is as warm as the sun and threatens to burn her at any moment. even if it might never happen.

"aren't you coming back?" nayeon's voice brings her out of her thoughts and she realizes she's been observing her from afar for long minutes now. and it seems it didn't escape nayeon who stares at her with a curious expression, a hand patting the empty spot on the couch right next to hers. 

"yeah, sorry about that." 

(when nayeon falls asleep, glasses still perched on top of her nose and divorce papers a mess on her laps, she naturally leans onto mina. 

she could have pushed her away and told her to go rest in bed when she saw her eyes flutter close and her movements become slower. but instead, mina placed an arm over her shoulder and allowed nayeon to stay close to her, hoping for her presence to chase away the nightmares she knows she's been having. 

mina knows it's not enough, knows that nothing she could do will suddenly heal the scars sana is leaving behind herself, but it doesn't stop her from wishing to someday be able to serve as nayeon's dreamcatcher. 

it doesn't stop mina from hoping that someday, she will be enough.)

-----

in a brief moment of peace, nayeon allows herself to think about mina. 

well, peace is relative here of course. she's still very confused about the new turn her life has taken, still has trouble believing all of this to be real, and she believes it will stay that way until she sees sana again and finally realizes that any residue of love is entirely gone from her eyes. 

the night fell early today and she used this as an opportunity to isolate herself from the world. it's always been her favorite part of the day, when the lights come down and allow her to take the mask off, what she's hiding behind it now impossible to see in darkness. the night is calm, a wide canvas in which her imagination paints what it wishes to see. 

and right now, it appears to have chosen mina. 

nayeon used to stare in amazement at the night sky as her eyes went from the glowing constellations to the moles gracing mina's face. she has connected all of them in her mind before, wondering if they actually looked like a mass of stars she'd already seen. the answer was no, but it never stopped her from believing that somewhere out there exists a constellation that reflects mina.

it's not surprising, really, that she thinks of mina every time she admires the sky. it used to be their thing, after all.

nayeon is reminded of the summers they spent together, of the long nights they spent laying on the grass and admiring the stars dancing over their head. of the warmth that used to spread in her chest when mina would passionately tell her about the ones she recognized, always remembering the most interesting parts of her astronomy classes just so she could tell them to nayeon at a later time. 

she never really listened. instead, nayeon always chose to concentrate on the soft hold of mina's hand in her own. 

those times used to be simple although they were always laced with a dark shadow looming over their joy and threatening to ruin it all with nothing but a long due confession. they are the first memories nayeon tried to erase after mina left.

(it had not worked, clearly.

still today, vivid images of their shared past flood her mind as if she was still there. and if she tried, nayeon could probably still taste the sweet apple pies mina baked for her every week, ones she never quite got tired of. and if she allowed herself to, she would be able to feel the softness of her lips on her cheek.

that's what makes thinking about mina dangerous. 

every time she decides to let her mind wander into such territories, memories she succeeded in putting aside for years resurface and with them unwelcomed feelings. 

and yet nayeon can't seem to stop.)

summers were always the best moments she shared with mina, because sana was never really with them. her family always found a new destination far away from either of them during summer and they only interacted with her through brief phone calls. it's not much of an excuse, had sana wanted to stay with them then she would have. nayeon always refused to go to a country she couldn't even name for the sake of spending time with her best friend, but sana had always loved traveling.

she loved her freedom and that's certainly why nayeon had been so surprised when she gave in to her parents' pleas to marry her. 

and mina, mina didn't seem to mind sana's absence. so nayeon went with it and spent entire days swimming in a lake far colder than the hawaiian waters sana was busy in, mina chasing after her in the water and pretending to be bad at swimming to let her escape- she knew about nayeon's competitive side better than anyone and always let her win for that one reason. just because it made her happy, to see the smug smile nayeon wore for the rest of the day.

that was back in high school. their last days of happiness all took place then although the perfect picture of three friends who would never let go of each other had started to blur around the same time.

nayeon takes a deep breath, welcoming the fresh night air with an emotionless smile as her mind brings her further back. she hears her son laugh in the distance and doesn't need to leave the balcony to know who is the reason behind his current joy. mina's own laughter follows, and the corners of her lips lift just a bit more, without her ever noticing the change.

nayeon met sana first. 

their parents were in the same circle of friends, wealthy and with a single idea in mind: to make sure their daughters had acquaintances in a similar situation. she's not sure she can remember their first meeting well, she had been a child, after all, too young to ever imagine that she and sana would ever become so important to each other. but she can easily remember the years that followed, the first days of school hand in hand, the holidays spent in each other's homes in the countryside and the moment they decided to become best friends.

and yet, the laugh that stays the clearer in nayeon's mind is mina's.

they met in elementary school, when nayeon saw her sitting alone on a bench and simply could not help her curious self. sana had quickly accepted her into their small group, and soon sana and nayeon added someone else to the addition.

mina grew to become as important to her as sana and still today, she wouldn't be able to say who she preferred over the two. it had been the three of them, nothing less, nothing more.

until they entered college, of course. 

her eyes slip shut as if trying to stop her mind from bringing back such memories, and she seems to succeed as she is brought back to the present and its lifeless sky. 

chills appear on her skin and she wonders if it is from the cold or the fear of being reminded of what she's desperately trying to ignore. nayeon shudders, rubbing her hands in order to warm herself as she refuses to go back inside. it's almost like the door to her bedroom is the entrance to her nightmares, almost like as long as she stays here, not far and yet away from the world, she can keep the scars from bleeding.

and as if belonging in this space more than in the other one, mina opens the glass door and steps onto the balcony, hwan in her arms. 

"mommy! auntie mina made lasagna for dinner!" nayeon takes one last second to admire the sky before turning in her seat to face them. his smile is communicative and she quickly finds a similar one gracing her own lips. 

"it's hard to believe we had anything in our fridge to cook such a meal."

"you didn't." mina chuckles, letting hwan get down when he becomes restless in her arms. he runs to nayeon as soon as his feet touch the ground, getting comfortable on her laps. "hwan and i passed by the grocery store before coming home." 

mina realizes she called a place that isn't even hers home after she says it and mentally scolds herself, glad to see nayeon didn't notice the slip up as she nods gratefully. "you shouldn't have, i was going to do that tomorrow and buy a lot of those already prepared meals i only have to heat before eating."

"well, it seems you've gotten yourself a chef now. no need for this anymore." 

nayeon looks down when a light laugh escapes her lips, and when cooking used to remind her of sana's talent in the field, her mind is empty of anything that isn't mina's earnest smile and her son's soft hold. 

"thank you. i shouldn't become too dependent on your help though." 

mina's smile loses some of its brightness and she steps closer until she's close enough to the balustrade to observe the city. 

"this is hardly being dependent." she says in a sigh, more aware than anyone of just what it means to depend on someone's presence so much that you get lost when they're missing. although she's far from imagining what flurry of dangerous thoughts has taken over mina's mind, nayeon decides to change of subject as she asks for hwan to stand up and follows after him.

"let's eat then. i don't remember you having eaten anything for lunch, we need to change that."

and it's true. mina spent long minutes figuring out where the bowls were in nayeon's kitchen as she prepared a quick soup for her, refusing to leave her with an empty stomach for so long. but in her rush, she hadn't remembered to make some for herself and gave it all to her. but she can barely feel her own hunger now, not when nayeon's smile looks sincere for the first time in days as she stares at her with an outstretched arm.

when they enter the bedroom again, only access to the balcony, and they're all holding hands, nayeon feels like as long as she doesn't let go, the safe space she found on the balcony will only follow after where she goes and continue to surround her in a comforting warmth. 

(when mina has to let go of her hand to get the lasagna out of the oven, nayeon feels like she's once again falling. 

but her son is quick to take place on her laps again, and her fall abruptly stops as she floats in the air.)

time indeed stills for the day. 

sometimes because her mind is trying to catch up with the hard truth of reality. 

sometimes because she understands the importance of hanging onto the pillars of her life.

-----

when time flows again, it goes too fast for nayeon to follow.

on the day that follows what she supposes was a justified breakdown, mina leaves in the morning and texts her the number of a famous lawyer during the day. 

it's her last day of work before she finally gets to rest for the weekend and she decided to go, even though she spends most of her day crying and accidentally letting tears fall on important files. it's better than staying home, alone, face to face with a place that reminds her of sana on every aspect. and it keeps her mind busy for a short while anyway.

until she takes a short break to call the number mina sent her and finds herself accepting an appointment in two days. 

before she can blink and take time to understand what all of this actually means, nayeon finds herself in front of a door that reads ' Park Jihyo, Family Attorney. ' the building she entered is fancy, and she doesn't doubt mina's words about her being one of the best lawyers in her fields of the country. thankfully, money has never been a problem for her.

she hesitates for long seconds before knocking, because she knows what this means, knows what she's getting into here. it makes it too real, the pain, the feeling of abandonment, and she hates it.

but a woman opens the door for her before she can think of running away. she's shorter than nayeon had imagined, but looks like someone who knows what they're doing and yet she hasn't yet said a word.

"mrs. im, i presume?" she's reaching for her hand before nayeon can answer, and a smile forms on her lips as she opens the door wider for nayeon to enter her office. her platinum short blond hair is hard to look away from but nayeon remembers that this is a serious meeting and takes seat in front of the wide desk. 

"so… what brings you here?" the lawyer asks when she is finally seated in front of her, leaning back in her chair as she gets ready to listen.

"my wife wants a divorce. and i think i might need your help." 

"i suppose that means you did not want it then." nayeon isn't sure if this is an affirmation or a question but she nods anyway, eyes slowly trailing down to hide the tears forming in her eyes. she hates how affected she still is by it and wishes she could keep herself from crying for a few hours. she's not asking for much, really, all she wants is to finally be able to breathe without feeling like each breath will be her last one. "most of my clients are the ones asking for a divorce, to be honest. they come here because they're wealthy and refuse to leave their partner anything. some of them are a bit different and only ask for my help because they're seeking revenge and i'm known to be cruel in court."

"does that mean you won't help me?" nayeon looks up from the picture in which features jihyo and a woman she doesn't know, their matching shoulder-length hair and outfits forcing a light smile to form on her lips. 

"no, that's not what it means at all. i simply want you to understand that if you hire me, mrs. im, i will do anything i can to make sure you get what you want." jihyo crosses her arms as she brings her chair closer to the desk, to nayeon, as if about to whisper a secret only she should hear. "what i meant, nayeon, is to ask if you're ready for what you're going to ask me."

in that instant, against all odds, nayeon thinks of mina. 

she thinks back to the day she chose sana over her, the same day she ran away to japan with the first plane ticket she could find, leaving behind herself a part of her life, of her own soul. and she wonders if things would have gone differently had she been better at making decisions. nayeon wonders if had she and mina gotten married, they would have ended in a similar situation. 

and no matter the hatred burning in her heart from the simple consideration of it having gone differently, deep down, nayeon knows nothing would have been the same.

because mina never left, not unless she asked her to. 

whereas sana has always been away, although not physically, head in the clouds as she dreamed of a different life. one that it seems did not have nayeon as its leading actress. 

and then nayeon thinks of her son, and the answer appears flashing in front of her closed eyelids in a blinding light.

"yes. i don't have a choice anyway, do i? it's either this, or i lose everything along with myself."

"good." the sigh that escapes her lips is one of relief and nayeon wonders if mina put pressure on her to make sure she wouldn't let her go home without an attorney. "then tell me about yourself, and more particularly your marriage, im nayeon."

and nayeon does just that, not even stopping when the weight of painful memories becomes too cumbersome for her to handle.

when she's done, jihyo is handing her a box of tissues and stares at her with a pity nayeon never really finds in mina's eyes, a detail she's thankful for. she only realizes she has been crying then and accepts the gesture with a strained smile and a light bow. 

(she invites mina over for cake again on that evening. a simple one she made herself as she waited for her son to come back from his soccer training- it took her two hours to figure out that sugar and flour couldn't serve as a replacement for each other, and to succeed in breaking the eggs correctly. 

it's her own way to silently ask for comfort, and mina once again delivers just that and more. 

she doesn't mention her earlier appointment, doesn't even utter sana's name. instead, she allows nayeon a glass of wine, one they both share when they realize that nayeon forgot to turn on the dishwasher, and opens her arms to offer her shoulder when the mood becomes tense. 

a moment of peace, spent between the harshness of flowing time and the cruelty of the past.

everything nayeon needs but is too scared to outwardly ask for.

everything mina wants but is too considerate to tell nayeon.)

-----

"there are a few questions i have to ask before we can properly start planning what strategy we'll go with here." jihyo tells her on their second appointment, now it seems a bit more relaxed in nayeon's presence. she nods, scared of what exactly she'll want to know but aware of the importance of being cooperative.

"sure. go on." nayeon gets a bit more comfortable this time, going as far as taking her coat off. it's not much but it's enough for jihyo to know she sees her office as a safe place now. 

"do you really have no idea as to why sana would ask for a divorce so suddenly? in most cases, the person asking for a divorce is not exactly the one guilty of anything, but from what you've told me, that's the feeling i got." 

"i mean… we weren't exactly happy i suppose." nayeon sighs. admitting it out loud doesn't hurt as much as she'd first believed it would. "especially these past few months. she was distant, came home quite late from work and we barely interacted- politely that is- unless it was to talk about hwan."

jihyo is silent for a while. from the outside, she looks lost deep in her thoughts, but in reality she is simply trying to find a way to say what she believes without hurting anyone. 

"would it be a possibility that sana… frequented someone else?" 

her initial reaction is to strongly deny it. because sana loved her, of course she did. she might have asked for a divorce, and might have fallen out of love at some point, but she loved her too much to ever betray her like this.

and yet, before the word can slip past her lips, nayeon backs down. her grip on the chair tightens and she finds herself wishing mina was here to keep her standing when everything around her is nothing but a confusing blur threatening to make her fall. it's not that she doubts that sana was faithful, no, she's sure of it. 

almost sure of it.

but what nayeon never really learned is that almost is never good enough to be the base of her choices, and sooner or later, almost is what destroys the foundations she builds. it is what brought her here, after all. almost sure is how she felt when she told mina she didn't want to see her again, when she promised that sana was her first and would be her last choice. 

"i don't think she did. but i'm starting to wonder if i ever really knew her, so i suppose it's not an option i can entirely rule out." jihyo nods, a comforting smile replacing her earlier fear of hurting her, but the tension never really dies down. 

"i've gone through the divorce papers she sent you. i think your case is pretty solid and you really shouldn't worry about losing your son, the lawyer she hired is not one i've ever heard of- which is good considering i only know the best ones."

"why wouldn't she hire a better one if she had time to think of this before?" nayeon asks, confused about her soon-to-be ex-wife's decision. 

"money, i suppose."

"sana comes from a family just as wealthy as mine. she has her own business, although small. i don't see her ever having money problems." 

a short moment of silence follows her words as jihyo looks pensive. "did you have no access to her personal account?"

"no. she always said she wanted her independence when it comes to money."

"we'll find out a bit more about her as we go then. our first meeting with her and her lawyer is set for next wednesday."

it only then hits nayeon that she will someday have to face sana again. and when it used to be her first wish, when all she wanted was to run to her and beg for her to come back, she finds herself dreading this moment a lot more now that she knows it's getting closer. it doesn't stop her from calling her every day, from leaving her a message in which she promises to forget about all of the pain she put her through if she comes back now, before it's too late. 

sana has never answered her calls, nor has she replied to her texts. not even to the ones that feature a picture of their smiling son. 

but soon, all of this will be over. soon, she will be sitting next to her in an office quite like the one she's currently in and they will both fight for what they believe is right. 

the rest of the meeting passes by in a blur and as nayeon lays in bed on that same night, the sheets still as cold as the ice slowly spreading around her heart, all she can remember is jihyo asking her about what she really wants.

she had not been able to answer, had not been able to say what she wanted other than her son to see both of his mothers equally. because it's all that matters to her, really, for him to be happy, for the divorce not to affect him as much as it does her. it's certainly hopeless, but it doesn't mean she won't do everything in her power to try.

and as she slowly slips out of consciousness, nayeon's hand clenches the fabric of the pillowcase right next to her, and imagines sana being there, imagines the warmth that always radiated from her body in loving waves. 

nayeon, quite like mina, has never been good at letting go.

-----

is everything going as planned? - 8.09 

i'm not sure. it's too early to say. - 8.13

don't worry too much about it. she'll forget about me soon enough, i won't give her much of a choice. - 8.20

that's what i'm scared of. [not sent] 

-----

nayeon has to face sana a lot earlier than she first believed. 

it's the middle of day, one she usually chooses to work from home in order to spend the afternoon with her son, when a key is inserted into the lock of the front door. her first reaction is to believe it to be mina, she's been spending so much time here now that it almost feels like her own home. 

but right when she hears the door open from her office, she remembers one important detail. 

mina doesn't have a key. 

and the only person who does is not one she particularly wishes to encounter. 

if it is from shock or because she fears what exactly will be waiting for her out of her office, nayeon stays frozen on her chair, hands hovering over her laptop's keyboard as she stares at the closed door separating her from a dream behind which a nightmare is hidden. ears strained onto any noise that might break the now heavy silence that fell over the apartment, she can barely breathe, as if scared that it would reveal her position. 

it's useless, really, to wait for the inevitable, to delay what will happen one way or another.

and nayeon knows this. it's what leads her to take her glasses off as she stands up, leaving them on her desk on her way to the living room. when she opens the door and slowly walks toward the room she knows she'll find sana in, her heart beats faster than it ever has in her chest. but as soon as she sees her, back turned to her as she observes the room silently, it suddenly stops beating altogether. 

she leans onto the doorframe, needing something to grip onto if she's going to face the woman who broke her heart. and sana must hear her then, because she turns around and they both find themselves locked in each other's orbit all over again.

"nayeon." 

it's a simple greeting, nothing more than sana acknowledging her presence, and yet her name echoes in her mind in a painful melody. this one is different from the soft music of a perfectly arranged piano. it's loud, a mix of uncoordinated instruments, a tune that makes her want to cover her ears until it stops ringing in them uncomfortably. 

"sana." 

and yet, nayeon can only sing over it in a soft tone, not strong enough to scream, too weak to be heard over the loud sound of a double bass.

"what are you doing here?" she asks, although uselessly when she spots the suitcase sana is holding onto. 

"i came to retrieve my stuff before our meeting. i'll be out of clothes soon, so i don't have much of a choice." sana's voice is soft, unbothered by what took place in the same room they're now standing in two weeks ago. it hurts just as much as seeing her again after all this time. 

she avoids looking at her, awkwardly standing in the middle of the room as she ignores the tears-filled-eyes nayeon stares at her with. like strangers do, sana looks away and waits for this moment to pass. 

"you could have come when hwan was here. you know, just to remind him of the fact that he has two mothers. especially since you seem to want him so desperately." 

neither of them moves as they speak, and nayeon doesn't think she'll ever be strong enough to let go of the wall and approach her. 

sana only chuckles, shaking her head in what nayeon easily recognizes as annoyance. "i had a feeling you would want to talk about this. but i'm not saying anything unless my lawyer is here."

"do you think so lowly of me?" slowly, the already present scars on her heart seem to pierce through its glass, and they spread all over it, bringing nayeon's rage closer and closer to the surface. "am i suddenly not even deserving of an explanation?"

"you wouldn't understand anyway, nayeon. if you haven't yet figured out why i left, then you never will." sana's voice is getting louder with each word and it only serves in angering nayeon more. "i didn't come here for us to fight again."

but before she can grab her suitcase and walk toward their bedroom, nayeon takes a step further into the room. 

"do you think i care about what you came here for? you own me an explanation! i am your wife . did that never mean anything to you?" 

"you're nothing to me anymore." 

there are tears forming in her eyes but nayeon blinks them away, staring in shock at sana. they're close now, close enough for her to smell the fruit-scented perfume she's been using since they were young, close enough for her to want to rush into her arms. but that also means nayeon is close enough to see the anger that has replaced the warm brown of her eyes, and the lack of anything but resentment for her residing in them. 

two weeks ago, sana pushed nayeon into the void and made her fall. and right now, as she registers her words, she thinks she's getting dangerously closer to the ground. 

"what happened to us?" her voice is just as broken as she feels and she has to swallow back a sob, although it has become impossible for her to keep her tears from falling. 

"it's not you. it's-" 

"don't you dare finish that sentence." 

"but it's true!" sana brushes her hair back in frustration and nayeon notices that she cut it, now of a similar length to hers. it reminds her of the picture she saw in park jihyo's office, but this one had been so much happier. would she and sana be photographed right now, anyone would be able to tell that their similarities are nothing but physical. "you weren't perfect, and you did make me feel like staying with you was the same as suffocating sometimes. but had i wanted to, i would have gotten over it. i do not want us to make up, i do not want you to be anything to me anymore. and that's the truth, nayeon." 

"that's it, then? you woke up one day and decided you didn't love me anymore? that's bullshit, sana!" 

"maybe." nayeon has trouble seeing her clearly through her tears, but she will never forget the pity she finds in her eyes. "but that's what happened. and thinking about it any longer will only hurt you more, nayeon." 

there's a moment of pause, one in which nayeon almost believes sana will reach for her and hold her in arms. but this never comes, and instead, she kneels down to the floor and cries as sana walks away from her. 

all nayeon remembers hours after sana left is the light sound of her footsteps as she walked away without ever looking back, suitcase in hand. she remembers feeling trapped, silent cries of help slipping past her lips in agony as she begged her to stay, begged her to try again, one last time. but sana had not come to help her, and instead, each of the steps that brought her further away from nayeon felt like knives stabbing at her heart, in rhythm with the now deafening music. 

when she opens her eyes again, she sees mina sitting in bed next to her and although she can't remember having done so, she supposes she called her in between her sobs to ask for her. 

and when there used to be disbelief in her eyes, there only is pain now. 

a vibrant and intense pain that blinds her every time she thinks she has found the way out of the maze sana trapped her in. 

----

mina buys a penthouse in the middle of seoul. 

it's not a decision she considered for weeks nor months, and she supposes she should have waited a bit longer before making such a life-changing choice. but if she knows one thing, it is that no matter what happens, running away from love because it scares her is not the answer to her problems.

nayeon will always be here, in the city which saw her grow up, the same one she fell in love with years ago. and wherever nayeon is, mina will stay. 

it's odd, to think she used to feel self-conscious about the differences between her and both sana and nayeon when it came to money. she wonders if things would have gone differently had she been born into the wealth she earned from her hard work. but the answer is obviously positive, so she decides to think about something else, because what-ifs never are enough. they didn't stop her from hurting during all these years, after all.

she's proud of herself, for a short instant. proud of what she's become even though not everything went as her younger self had dreamed. and when nayeon learns about the news, she looks just as happy, stars shining in her eyes as she congratulates her. 

it means a lot to her. certainly because mina has always seen her own reflection clearer when it resides in nayeon's eyes.

"do you need any help with moving in? or to decorate the place? because if so, i'm your woman." nayeon tells her as they walk toward her new acquisition, the street almost empty and their conversation only interrupted by the occasional laughter of children on their way back from school. 

"sure. i see you're still as passionate about decorating home interiors as you told me back then." they both smile fondly at the memory, and mina is happy to see that reminders of the past do not seem to put nayeon in a sour mood anymore. 

it's been that way for a few days, really, but mina isn't yet aware of nayeon's newfound peace when it comes to being reminded of what they had when they were still teenagers. 

"of course. i pretty much chose everything at our place." nayeon pauses when she realizes she can't remember to call it hers, can't remember there is no ours anymore. but mina interrupts the dangerous trail her thoughts are brought into by gently grabbing her hand and pointing at a modern building. 

"here we are." 

on tuesday, nayeon helps her move in. she doesn't comment on mina not having much personal effects, but does notice it anyway. 

and she would like to ask about mina's life back in japan a bit more, would like to know more of the small but nonetheless important details that were added to the canvas that is myoui mina, each of them a color of its own. but she's not sure they're here yet, not sure mina wants to share any of this with her. she would have told her if she felt comfortable doing so, right?

so instead, she focuses on planning to decorate the entire place and mina simply sits on the only furniture that is in her new home, a light grey couch, and listens with a loving smile on her lips. 

it feels surreal, to have nayeon talk about shades of maroon and what type of tv she should get, to have nayeon in front of her, close enough to touch, close enough to feel although she doesn't yet entirely allow herself to. it's everything she's ever dreamed of but tried to forbid herself from thinking about. 

but it's real. 

so real that mina could almost cry from how intense the need to make sure nayeon is forever happy by her side resonates in her chest. she's not as scared as she used to be about admitting how deeply attached she is to the woman who never left her heart, and she knows it will certainly not be at peace until it beats in sync with hers. 

and yet, it is way too soon. 

tomorrow is the day nayeon will meet up with sana to discuss the divorce, and she fears it will not go as well as she'd herself liked. because if mina is sure of one thing, it is that one of them will get what they want, and the other will have to accept their terms. she fears for her best friend almost as much as she fears for the woman she loves. 

and mina would like to be strong enough to be on sana's side, as she had promised. 

but when she called one of her oldest friends and asked her to represent nayeon, she had made a choice, one she simply couldn't go back on.

mina had chosen to side with nayeon, a betrayal sana isn't yet aware of, although it is one she should have anticipated.

sana had always known mina had feelings for her, after all. even before she confessed to nayeon, even before the woman they both loved was faced with having to choose between the two of them. sana had always known, but never said a word. even when it became obvious that mina never fell out of love, she kept the truth hidden and never mentioned her discovery. 

guilt over her own feelings is not a sentiment she will ever experience. and as she watches nayeon's smile widen when she mentions her need for new bedroom furniture, mina knows she's made the right choice.

(she has always been better at this than nayeon ever was.

unfortunately for them, probably.)

-----

mina drops nayeon off at jihyo's office before her meeting. it took her long minutes of internal struggles before she asked nayeon if she wouldn't feel better if she accompanied her there, only for the woman to shoot another grateful smile at her.

surprisingly, she's been getting a lot of those lately. it should be a rare sight with the current circumstances, to see nayeon with a smile slowly lifting the corner of her lips, no traces of it being forced left when it disappears. mina considers herself lucky when she gets graced with such a view, heart beating wildly in her chest as she returns it. 

nayeon takes a deep breath when the vehicle comes to a stop, her grip tightening on the designer handbag she recently bought to distract herself from the mess her life has become. it feels as if getting out of the car and leaving mina behind along with it will lead her to her downfall, to the end of a burning pain and the beginning of a blinding rage. and from the determined look she has, her debriefing with jihyo having gone better than she'd expected, it seems she is far from the truth. 

"do you need me to come up with you?" mina asks, her hands leaving the steering wheel to hold hers. a wave of relief crashes gently over her as soon as she feels her hold and nayeon takes another deep breath, this one sounding more like a tired sigh.

"need? probably." nayeon chuckles humorlessly. "but you know you can't. there's no need to delay the inevitable, right? you won't be able to convince sana to change her mind anyway." 

and of course she won't. not because sana won't listen to her, nor because she won't know what to say in order to get her to understand just how wrong she is by doing this. no, mina won't be able to make her change her mind because she doesn't want her to. 

it's selfish, but she likes to believe she's doing all of this for nayeon to have a better life. for her to be loved, and to experience the many wonders of the world sana kept from her, acting as a thick fog which only 

served in blinding her. 

"she hasn't returned any of my calls or texts. indeed, i don't think i'll be of any use there." it's not entirely true, but mina really does not believe her presence will change anything. sana has made her choice for a reason that will obviously keep her from ever going back on it. 

and yet, there's hope flickering in her eyes. 

she wants nayeon to ask for her, wants her to let her know just how needed she is here. but instead, nayeon nods and opens the door, throwing one last sad glance her way before exiting the car. 

the silence and the emptiness that follow her departure echo even more intensely in her mind than she's used to.

it's far too similar to the one spreading in nayeon's chest as she waits for the elevator to bring her to the third floor, nervously fiddling with her fingers as different scenarios of how this could go play in her mind. she's terrified when she realizes that none of them end well. it's something they talked about with jihyo, the very high risk of this only going well for one of them and the other ending up with nothing, but it doesn't mean she ever wants to see it happen. not without trying first. 

she won't give up as easily as sana did.

the first thing she sees when the doors open is jihyo waiting for her with a smile that tries to be encouraging. it only scares her more. despite her racing heart, a confident smile replaces her earlier scowl, one she rehearsed in the bathroom this morning in order to not appear as weak as she feels in front of sana and her lawyer.

"hi." even through her smile, nayeon can see that jihyo is feeling nervous. she supposes mina must really mean a lot to her if she's so serious about this case going well. "i hope you're ready, they're both waiting for you in my office." 

her only answer is a light, unconvinced nod, but it seems to please her attorney as jihyo walks toward an office she knows far too well now. 

this time, she notices sana first, without any surprise. 

even today, nayeon can not help but admire her beauty. even when she looks up from the desk to stare at her, eyes devoid of their usual warmth, nayeon can not help but fall for her all over again. because truly, they were beautiful. too beautiful to ever imagine each other going different ways, which certainly explains why nayeon has been having so much trouble with forgetting about the feelings she doesn't think will ever leave.

and when she takes a seat next to her and gets ready to write the last word of the book they both spent years working on, she believes their love story to have been beautifully tragic in every sense of the way, from the very first words.

"everyone is here then. pleased to meet you ms. im, i'm chou tzuyu." the woman nayeon has never seen says, breaking the admiration she found herself stuck in. she looks tall, and as jihyo had expected, is very young. certainly someone who has started working not long ago, which only gives them another advantage. "then shall we begin?"

"of course." jihyo begins, immediately reaching for the divorce papers sana sent to nayeon a week ago, obviously well-prepared. "let's start with what ms. minatozaki is asking for in the divorce. i'm sure my client and i will have a lot to say about your requests."

throwing a discreet glance her way, nayeon is surprised to see an obvious lack of any reaction from sana. it shouldn't be shocking, really, for nayeon not to agree with any of the words sana and her attorney typed and sent her. but a part of her had believed her to have made a mistake, one she would apologize for, she would go back on and change. 

but nothing about her current posture is apologetic, her back straight as she stares at jihyo intensely and refuses to meet her eyes.

"first of all, the custody of im hwan will obviously not be going solely to your client. we are ready to agree on split custody, one week with each parent, and in case you refuse then i suppose we will not be indulgent about our requests anymore."

"then we have a problem." the woman, tzuyu, says. it's all nayeon needs to forget about what she agreed to: to let jihyo talk and only speak when asked to.

"i don't see why. hwan deserves to see both of his mothers regularly and none of us should get to keep him from that." nayeon is looking at sana when she speaks although she's responding to tzuyu. "the simple fact that you believed the contrary to be alright is… definitely not something i expected from you."

"don't give me the disappointed talk, nayeon. i really don't care." sana is still refusing to look at her, but this is definitely progress. at least she's ready to talk about what has been bothering nayeon for days now. "i simply think hwan would be happier with me."

"and how so?" 

the anger resting dormant in her chest is slowly spiraling out of her control, quite like it did when she saw sana a few days ago, but a single look from jihyo is enough to get her tone to lower down. 

"come on, nayeon. i'm the one who took care of him for most of his life. you were always busy with work and often got home too late to even see him awake." sana shakes her head, a sigh leaving her lips in annoyance. "of course i want my son to be happy. but can you guarantee that you will be able to give that to him?"

the silence that follows is heavy, screams that stay quiet threatening to burst the tense bubble they all find themselves into. everyone is waiting for nayeon to speak, and she wonders if quite like her demons, sana is waiting for her to break.

but she doesn't. not when it comes to her son.

"who do you think i was working for exactly?" she scoffs, hands clenched on her laps. "hwan has never said i made him unhappy, has he? who do you think you are to put words into my son's mouth. i am his mother as much as you are, and if you think you have any chances at getting full custody of him here when i earn three times your salary every month and own our home then you're seriously wrong."

"it's a good thing you're talking about money actually, ms. im." the lawyer says, getting a new file from under the one nayeon was first sent. "it seems neither of you wants a particularly hard divorce, and for this i'm sure we could find a very easy agreement."

"which is?" jihyo asks, leaning back into her chair as she stares at her with a raised eyebrow. 

"we agree to shared custody on the condition that ms. im reverses half of her possessions to my client." 

"that makes no sense and you know it. if anything, we should be the ones negotiating here and-"

"ok." nayeon cuts her off before she can continue.

sana finally looks at her then. and so does everyone, the attention entirely focused on her. there's disbelief in her eyes and she isn't able to hide the sigh of relief that escapes her lips completely from her. 

"what do mean ok?" jihyo asks, staring at nayeon with wide eyes. 

"you will get a third of what i've earned and nothing more. it's more than enough for you to start off a new life, you'll easily buy an apartment with it. and our son doesn't get separated from any of us." if she was to see herself in a mirror, nayeon isn't sure she would recognize the woman facing her. it's as if the determined look she tried to give to herself morphed with her actual personality, as if the masks she'd never felt the need to keep around sana all came back to protect her. 

"but we asked for-"

"no." sana is the one to interrupt her attorney this time, her eyes never looking away from nayeon's intense brown orbs. she used to tell her wife about the millions of stars that shined in her eyes, and even today, as a rage she's never seen before replaces their warm color, it's still true. "let's go with that."

although she seems frustrated, jihyo doesn't try to talk to nayeon to get her to change her mind. 

"ok. we'll meet on a few more occasions to handle the divorce then, and i hope you won't change your mind until then. today simply was a meeting to discuss its terms, so let's see each other later this week." 

they both nod in agreement, now having looked away from each other, and it could have ended there. 

they both walk out of the office together, in silence, and wait for the elevator to arrive in a very similar mood. that is, until nayeon decides to speak as they enter, one last time, before they part ways. 

"when did you fall out of love?" 

time passes slowly afterward, the elevator ride longer than she'd imagined it, and she thinks sana might not ever answer when they reach the first floor. 

"two years ago." 

a sharp intake of breath breaks the calm and tense silence that had wrapped around them, but nayeon's only reply is to nod. slowly, and far from innocently. she doesn't move when the doors open, letting sana walk out first without a word. nayeon waits as she watches her back, her now soon-to-be ex-wife walking away without ever looking back. 

and when she forgets to step out in time and the doors close, hiding her from the rest of the world, is when she finally unleashes the raging emotions swirling through her mind in dangerous waves. 

the small bit of research she did over divorce and its consequences on someone's mind told her there were different phases to it. quite like one would handle mourning. and as cold tears slip down her cheeks silently, her lips trembling from the effort asked to keep her sobs quiet, she knows just what stage she is at.

a blinding rage.

one that spreads in her heart and threatens to destroy the remaining pieces sana left her with. but she won't let her. 

not when she has finally understood just what led her to make such a choice. 

-----

"did it go well?" mina rushes to ask as soon as nayeon slips into her car, her expression oddly unreadable. 

again, she simply nods and stares ahead of herself, a mysterious look in her eyes.

"mina… if i needed your help to find out why my wife suddenly left me, would you be there for me?" 

for long seconds, she seems taken aback by the question. mina had first believed nayeon was not talking to her because this moment was too hard for her to put words onto, and she had certainly not expected such a request from her. 

"didn't she tell you already?"

and for the first time in days, nayeon laughs. she laughs out loud until tears are forming in the corner of her eyes, and when they spill down her cheeks, she couldn't say if they're ones of sadness, of anger, or of humor. mina stares at her confusedly, wondering if she should join her and laugh as well. but it suddenly stops, dying down as she wipes the tears on her cheeks with her hand.

"two years ago, mina. she stopped loving me two years ago and yet she stayed for all this time." 

"perhaps did she not want to leave you at first?"

for the first time since she came back from the meeting, nayeon stares at her and holds her look intensely. she remembers how broken nayeon had been at first, denying it all and wishing for sana to come back. because she was all nayeon had ever known when it comes to love, she was the ink that helped her write the book of their life, she was the one nayeon found in each word of her favorite love poems. 

and she still looks just as hurt. but there's something else in the flurry of feelings swirling in her eyes now. something that seems to beg for revenge. 

and that's when mina understands that hidden truths indeed are lies. 

"no." nayeon gulps, looking away from her and breathing deeply when she fears her voice might sound too broken. " she's hiding something from me."

the ticking of the clock of her watch is the only sound she can hear afterward, but the shock on her face is not born from a new discovery. but lies or not, mina does intend on hiding certain things for a while longer.

"and i intend on finding out what that is."

-----

mina does not warn sana. 

it certainly is the last sign of her having chosen a side, really, because contrary to finding nayeon a lawyer, this is something her friend had asked to know about. 

and yet, she doesn't even hesitate on the matter, her choice already well made. 

"why do you think she's lying to you?"

nayeon sighs, twirling her glass of wine absentmindedly as she and mina enjoy the barely visible sunset on the balcony. 

"had sana fallen out of love two years ago, she would have immediately run away. but she stayed, the amount of time one would to make sure they're not leaving a relationship for what will later be a mistake." she pauses, bringing the glass to her lips, and realizes she shouldn't be talking about such a heavy subject so carelessly. "she planned it. the divorce, i mean. the papers were ready to be sent, and she had gotten a lawyer long before telling me about it."

"but still, you don't have any proof do you?" mina tries to hide her curiosity by staring at the horizon. 

"she's my wife. the look she gave me in that elevator, it was enough. that's when i knew."

mina's heart clenches painfully when nayeon continues to call sana hers, but she knows it's not her place to do so. the shift in nayeon's behavior made her believe that, perhaps, some day in the near future, nayeon will forget sana was ever hers. but she supposes it would be too much to ask for now, not when the divorce papers haven't been signed yet and a diamond is still shining around nayeon's finger. 

mina sighs, cold air of the night filling her lungs and clearing her tormented mind for a short instant. "i'll help." 

she avoids looking at nayeon for a bit, because she's not sure she deserves the gratefulness she will surely find in her expression. she would like to give herself good conscience by thinking she is doing this for nayeon and for nayeon alone. because that's what it was supposed to be about, at first. she left japan for nayeon, stayed for nayeon, and will now fight for her. but what she's always failed to notice is that selfishness has been hiding behind her feelings all along, no matter how hard she has tried to ignore this part of their relationship- if it could be called that. 

a hand settles over hers on her laps and only then does she look up from her glass to stare at nayeon. 

"thank you." nayeon smiles, and mina wishes she would always be like this, serene for a short while meanwhile her world goes up in flames. "i'm glad i can trust you with this."

(and she can, really, because mina would never betray her. 

not consciously, at least.) 

-----

it's raining when the taxi sana took comes to a stop in front of a crowded restaurant, red neons flickering in the night and reflection on her white silk shirt, its color closer to a vibrant pink now. she slips the bills in the driver's hand, silently thanking him with a smile for the ride, and gets out of the black car, heels almost landing in a small puddle on the pavement. 

checking her phone to make sure this is the right address, she wishes she had known it would rain today, her coat not one made for such weather. but when she looks up from the screen to stare at the restaurant only to see a woman waving at her from the widow, the rain is the last thing on her mind. 

"hey, i wasn't sure you had arrived already." sana greets the woman with a shy smile when she finally reaches her table, slipping her wet coat from her shoulders and taking the seat in front of her. "did you order for me?"

"yeah, i got us samgyeopsal. you talked about wanting some this morning, so i thought that was a safe choice." 

sana blushes from the thoughtful gesture and reaches for her hand across the table, looking around the place nervously as she makes sure to check each of the clients. it's something she's gotten used to with time, but it has never been a positive aspect of her life. and the closer she is to finally settling things with nayeon, the more anxious she gets, always aware of her surroundings especially when sharing her company. 

"you remembered?" 

the woman is blushing too now, and she squeezes her hand lovingly, the only contact they will be having with each other for a while. it's not much, at least not enough for her, but it's always better than having to stay away from sana. she has learned with time just how impossible it is for the both of them.

"of course. you've always loved this anyway."

"you're right." sana laughs, letting go of her hand when the waiter arrives with their order. "you've always known me so well."

"how did it go?" she finally says, a question she had obviously been dying to ask as soon as sana entered the small restaurant. but it unfortunately is enough to change the mood entirely, her smile dropping as she sighs gravely.

"it went well, i guess. everything went as expected." 

"and… is she feeling better than when you last saw each other?" 

sana looks away from her then, staring by the window at the busy road, everyone eager to go home. she too, would like to leave this place and do the same, she too, craves for the intimacy they haven't been able to get much of these past few weeks. but she can't, not yet. 

"i'm not sure. but," she sighs, eyes following the course of water on the window. "she will be happy again, soon enough. this is what all of this is about, isn't it?" 

the woman nods, and they reach for each other's hand again, this time not planning on letting go. 

-----

nayeon dreams of mina on that night. it changes from the nightmares she has gotten used to, but it scares her just as much. 

she thinks back to mina's hug before falling asleep, and it brings back old buried memories to the surface, quite like a sunrise would, a blinding star bringing light to a part of their life they agreed on keeping in darkness. and that's certainly what scares her the most, how easily it all came back to her, vivid memories of a time that no longer exists. it shouldn't be like this, no, mina's reappearance should not be causing this. she will not allow it.

and yet, her dreams are a place she can not control. which explains why this is where they have chosen to resurface. 

she sees herself in mina's old apartment but she can barely remembers mina's words. it doesn't matter, because she knows what she had told her then, a confession of feelings she had tried to suppress for years. she can not remember mina's exact words, but she will never forget how she made her feel back then. it was so different from when sana had told her she loved her, certainly because even then, she had known the difference between selfless love and a forced one.

nayeon dreams of soft loving touches, of hushed whispers against wet lips, of tears blurring the lines of mina's body. she feels more than she sees, living the moment again as if it was a memory from the present and not the past, and even when she tries to open her eyes in order to slip away from its grasp, she finds herself unable to take back any kind of control.

mina is a wave crashing over her, forcing her to be aware of what had taken place back then, before she ruined everything. ruined or saved, she will unfortunately never have the answer. but as she is reminded of the love that her poured from each brush of her fingers and touch of her lips, of a time when mina had entirely taken over her every thought and pushed sana entirely to the side, nayeon believes to have done more bad than good. 

at first, she had felt guilty. she and sana had agreed on entering a relationship no more than two days before mina asked to speak to her- which had very obviously not gone as planned. was this cheating if she and sana were barely anything but friends who happened to agree on wanting more? probably, yes. so she had cried when she woke up, mina still sleeping next to her, unaware of this being the last time she would get to be so close to nayeon for years. 

and with time, guilt had been replaced by understanding. nayeon had realized that directing her anger towards mina was useless when she had been the one to choose to wait. this choice is one she should have made long before things went this far, but she hadn't been able to say words she'd rehearsed for months aloud. certainly because she knew it would break mina. 

that's when she had chosen to end it, to ask mina to step out of her life. it hadn't been easy, but she had felt so free afterward, the shackles keeping her heart from beating finally gone. 

she wakes up in a gasp, panting hard as she tries to catch her breath, sweat clinging to her forehead. and her eyes flutter open, refusing to stay close any longer when images of a crying mina resurfaces, the guilt coming back this time much stronger. 

and when she finally succeeds on keeping her eyes open, she notices a light coming from her phone and quickly reaches for it. contrary to the previous nights, sana is not the woman she wants to see when she looks at the last message she just received. 

i can finish early tomorrow, do you want to meet for lunch? we could plan things out and eat at my place. - 11.07 PM

and her heart breaks free from its shackles once again, but what nayeon does not know is that this time, this time it is for good. she's smiling when she sends back a simple okay, will meet you there. and she's smiling again when she falls back to sleep, thinking of mina. 

(nayeon has another nightmare on that same night, this one featuring sana. but it's shorter, and barely affects her.

as if mina had the ability to chase ghosts away, and more particularly the ones tormenting her mind.) 

-----

if the stars could speak, they would tell nayeon the obvious. 

because it seems she has not been able to see it, although the deliverance she so desperately needs is right there, close enough for her to touch and feel. 

but they wouldn't end their speech there, no. the stars would warn her, again, but this time, it would be to tell her not to trust anyone. 

not even herself.