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Chapter Text

It was a relatively normal day on Starbug. Lister, Kryten, and the Cat had gone out to a derelict to check it for supplies, and Rimmer, being an abject coward, had taken to manning the ship as usual. The derelict they were exploring was nothing out of the ordinary; a transport ship, with a former crew of six hundred, with no life signs or anomalies showing up on the scanner. Kryten spoke over the radio every few minutes to let him know they weren't in trouble, but after the first half-hour of nothing happening, he'd started ignoring all of their transmissions in favour of watching one of the family vids he'd found in the old bunkroom. 

It was him - back on Io, no more than ten years old - in the garden with the family dog, Betty. She was a golden retriever, small and weak ever since they'd first bought her. She was the runt of the litter, making her a good few dollarpounds cheaper than her siblings, so she was the one they'd ended up with. There was no sight of his brothers in the home video, nor his parents, just his skinny, malnourished ten-year-old self and his even skinnier malnourished pup. Rimmer let himself smile, though it was almost crooked with disuse nowadays.

The door to Starbug slid open, and Rimmer paid it no attention, although he switched off the vid reluctantly. That was until he heard... yapping? That couldn't be right.

Cat was the first to enter the cockpit, looking rumpled and disgusted and swiping at air as if he were practicing for an unseen future attacker.

"What's up with you, fish breath? You look like Kryten just made you wear bootcut jeans," Rimmer sneered

Cat hissed "It's none of your business, Goalpost-head, but if you must know, that monkey" Cat aimed that word towards an unseen Lister beyond the cockpit "Decided to bring home some vermin from that derelict, and I don't like them one bit,"

"Vermin? What kind of vermin?" Rimmer asked, finally looking up at the Cat with intrigue

"I can't bear to say the name," Cat wailed "He brought- He brought dogs!"

And with that, he twirled out of the room. Rimmer blinked. Dogs?

---

Rimmer tried to put on his best dissaproving expression before entering the main room, but it instantly melted away as soon as he saw the six puppies, no older than six weeks, laying across the table, being fussed over by Lister as Kryten watched on in fascination. Rimmer wasn't an expert on dog breeds, but they looked distinctly like golden retrievers.

"Where did you get them?" Rimmer tried to say disgustedly, except, when it came out, it was so fond it was foreign to his own ears. Lister seemed to have the same thought, doing a double-take as Rimmer spoke but quickly composing himself

"We found them in one of the stasis booths. Someone from the old crew of that derelict must've smuggled them in. I don't know what happened to their mum, though, couldn't find any trace of her,"

Rimmer just nodded, not trusting himself to speak after the disgustingly affectionate way he'd done it last time. However, he still couldn't force down the tiniest of smiles as he looked at the absurdly tiny dogs wriggling about and yapping contentedly on the dining table.

---

It was a few hours after the crew had returned from the derelict when, back on Red Dwarf, Lister walked into the bunkroom to find Rimmer kneeling on the floor by his bunk, trying to coax the smallest of the puppies to eat from a makeshift food bowl as the rest tumbled and played around him.

"What's all this, then?" Lister said, bemused. To his surprise, and slight horror, Rimmer smiled

"Ah, Listy. I was just getting them settled in,"

"Settled in, eh? Next thing I know you'll have named them all," Lister laughed, watching as one of the pups tried to bite his brother's ear off

"I have," Rimmer said matter-of-factly

Lister waited for the punchline, but it didn't come "Get outta town!"

"I have," Rimmer stated

"So what've you named them, then? Arnold Junior one through seven?" Lister laughed

"Ha ha. No, I've given them sensible names. Names for action," Rimmer said emphatically, raising a fist

"Alright then, hit me,"

"Alexander the Great," Rimmer said, indicating the largest pup, who'd stopped chewing his brother's ear and now taken to whapping him with his paws

"Of course," Lister scoffed

"Napoleon,"

"Ah, yeah. Very tasteful,"

"Reggie,"

"Uh-huh,"

"Wilson,"

"Obviously,"

"Morris,"

Lister blinked at him, trying to think of a fascist dictator named Morris and coming up empty

"For Morris dancing," Rimmer explained

Ah. Of course.

"And Betty," Rimmer said, the alien smile returning as he looked at the runt, and only female in the litter, struggling against the bowl of dry food in front of him

"Why Betty? I thought you'd name it Ingrid or something," Lister jibed, relaxing as he saw a familiar glare appear on Rimmer's face as he caught the jab about his inflatable friend

"No, gimboid, Betty was my dog back on Io," Rimmer snapped

"The one you kept visiting after you divorced your parents?" Lister asked, softening. Rimmer nodded. After a pause, Lister stepped back "Well, I'll leave you to it," 

---

Rimmer didn't reply as he heard the door slide closed, already ignoring him in favour of gently helping Betty II to the mound of dry food. She was getting first helping this time, and always will if he could help it. As he squinted at the pup eating hungrily from the bowl, letting his lashes obscure his view just so, he could almost make himself see Betty, his Betty, barking happily and running circles around him in an Io field.

Chapter Text

"What's this?" Lister raised an eyebrow

It was the first he'd seen of Rimmer since the day before. The previous night, he'd been kept awake by the dogs; yapping, grunting, tiny claws scrabbling on the smooth ship flooring, but by morning they were gone, along with Rimmer. They weren't at breakfast either. Yet, here Rimmer was, jogging through the hallway, all six pups on leads leaping excitedly in front of him. Rimmer halted, jogging on the spot next to Lister.

"There's no room for any more slobs on this ship, Lister. These dogs need a sense of routine, of hard-work," Rimmer said proudly, the dogs circling his feet

"You'll work them to death if you keep going like that," Lister laughed, gaze locked on one of the pups who was laying on the ground, knackered out.

"I'm not coming on too strong, am I?" Rimmer said concernedly, gaze suddenly serious

Lister, unsure of how to react to the sudden vulnerability and resisting the urge to make another jab, settled on patting Rimmer's shoulder in what he hoped was a friendly gesture, regretting it as he felt Rimmer tense up under him "Calm down, guy. I'm only joking with you. Look, why don't we take them up to the bunkroom and get them a snack or something?"

Rimmer hesitated a moment before nodding. Vulnerability disappearing as soon as it had arrived, he coaxed the dogs up and hummed an imitation bugle call as he marched them through the halls towards the sleeping quarters. Lister followed him exasperatedly.

---

"I wonder how they do it," Lister mused, watching as the pups huddled around the food bowl on their bunkroom floor, inhaling the meaty chunks gratefully.

"Do what?" Rimmer asked without looking up, clearing a path to the meal for the smallest dog whenever her brother's pushed her out the way

"Eat crap like that. It's barbaric. I bet if they could translate dog speak all that yapping would turn out to mean 'get me a smegging curry, this stuff tastes worse than my mate's testicles' "

"Don't knock it until you've tried it, Listy," Rimmer said sarcastically, pausing for dramatic effect before finishing "Oh wait, you have,"

"Only because I was very, very desperate" Lister retorted defensively

Rimmer just shook his head, gaze soft as he watched the dogs, now full, pad away from the bowl one by one and plop down lazily on the floor. 

"What is it with you and those dogs?" Lister asked, seemingly entertained by Rimmer's uncharacteristically affectionate behaviour.

"I don't know what you mean," Rimmer snapped, pulling his eyes away

"I know you had a dog back on Io and everything, but I think you're getting attached to this lot, you know," Lister laughed

"Lister?"

"What?"

"Shut up,"

---

The ship was dark with simulated moonlight when Rimmer woke up to barking. Eyes adjusting to the darkness, he realised the dogs had woken up, and were currently yapping and playing noisily around their bed. Heaving a sigh, he knelt down next to them

"You shouldn't be awake," He tried feebly, pushing Napoleon and Alexander towards their bed in the hopes it would remind them what they were supposed to be doing. The pups ignored him, simply sliding out of his hands and rejoining their littermates in running around the room.

"What am I going to do with you lot, hey? I'd sing you a lullaby or something but Lister's in the room," He joked warmly, scratching Wilson behind the ears. Suddenly, he got an idea. Digging around in the draws, he pulled out the dusty vid from the day before and put it up on the monitor. The dogs looked up at it with intrigue.

"That," Rimmer pointed to the scrawny retriever in the vid "Is your distant ancestor, or something. And that," He gestured to himself "Is me. Only far less handsome than I am now,"

The tactic wasn't working. If anything, the dogs were growing even more restless than they were before. Before he could brainstorm any other ideas, Lister's sleepy voice came from the top bunk

"Lights!"

Rimmer switched off the vid quickly, but was still left on the floor surrounded by wriggling, squealing puppies.

"Rimmer, what the smeg are you doing?" 

"They couldn't sleep, I'm trying to get them to settle," Rimmer explained, hoping Lister hadn't been awake long enough to hear him talking to the dogs

"It's three in the morning, could you get them to settle more quietly?" Lister groaned

"Lister, I don't know if it's slipped your memory but I spent a good week sharing quarters with screeching newborn babies for you. I don't think it's a grand ask for you to put up with a few pocket-sized dogs while you sleep," Rimmer stated tersely

Too tired to keep bickering, Lister sighed "Fair point, just try and settle them quickly, eh? Some of us actually need to sleep,"

'I don't know why you do, you'll only use the energy to slob more,' Rimmer almost said, but let the words die on his tongue, not wanting Lister to change his mind and start complaining again.

Sighing, Rimmer turned back to the pups, before realising that while he'd been talking to Lister they'd all dropped off on their own accord. He smirked, gently scooting their small bodies onto the makeshift dog bed before crawling into his own bunk. He could get used to this, he thought to himself, feeling oddly at peace for the first time in what felt like years.

Chapter Text

Over the next few weeks, Lister started to notice some changes on board ship.

For one, the dogs were getting bigger by the day. Napoleon was the biggest by far, only discernible as a pup by his proportions. Betty was still smaller than her littermates, but with constant fussing from Rimmer and first dibs on meals she was quickly catching up.

That was the other change. Rimmer.

Since the dogs had come aboard, Rimmer had become almost... tolerable? It shook Lister to his very core, watching his bunkmate, the biggest smeghead in all of deep space, being in good moods that weren't directly caused by somebody else's suffering. Sometimes, Lister would even catch him smiling. Not his usual, pratty, self-satisfied smirk either, a genuine, handsome smile that looked glaringly out of place on somebody like Arnold Rimmer.

One night, Lister decided he was going to get to the bottom of it. He'd been planning it for weeks now. He knew Rimmer would never tell him anything sober, no matter how weirdly agreeable and pleasant he was being, and thankfully, Rimmer's deathday was coming up. A golden opportunity.
He found his chance after the party. Cat had wandered off, something he'd been doing more and more often since the dogs had come aboard, and Kryten had passed out in the science room a few hours ago. They were in their bunks, but Lister didn't need to see Rimmer to know he was absolutely plastered.

"Rimmer?"

"Mm?"

"Why are you so invested in those dogs? I mean, I've never seen you get this happy about anything, not even when you met Napoleon Bonaparte face to face. It's weirding me out," Lister asked, careful not to sound too accusatory

"They make me think of Betty," Rimmer slurred gleefully

"Your dog on Io?"

"Mm," Rimmer grunted affirmatively

"What was so special about Betty?" Lister asked, perplexed

"Have I ever told you about my childhood, Lister?"

"You've told me bits, yeah," Lister replied, wary

"Did I tell you how I nearly died of malnutrition?"

Lister shifted uncomfortably, already getting the sense he didn't want to probe any further "Yeah. Yeah, you mentioned it,"

"Well, it was all that bastard dog's fault. I liked her too much, that was my problem. I couldn't bear to watch my parents neglect her. She didn't hit me over the head when I got a bad grade in astrophysics, she didn't threaten to disown me when she caught me kissing boys behind the bike shed at Io House,"

Lister froze.

"She didn't do any of that," Rimmer continued, drunk and oblivious "She just woofed and ran in circles all day. I'd sneak her my sandwiches from school lunch. My mum had to let me eat at least one meal a day, keeping up appearances and so on. Betty'd have one half, and I'd have the other. I don't think she enjoyed them much, but I'd like to think she appreciated the gesture,"

"I'm sure she did," Lister said weakly

"I wish she could see me now. I mean sure, I'm dead, and I never got anywhere in life, but I did what I always told her I'd do. I got away from my parents, a full three million years away. I succeeded. Yippee to me," Rimmer droned, his usual drunk somberness emerging "She was the runt of the litter, barely functional, bullied by her siblings, and so was I. She understood me,"

Seemingly unaware of how sad that all sounded to an outsider, Rimmer moved on blissfully, humming an off-key rendition of a classical song Lister couldn't quite place, before getting bored and going quiet.

Lister felt slightly queasy, drilling Rimmer for information this personal and depressing when he wasn't in his right head, so he didn't ask any more questions, and prayed Rimmer would forget the interaction come morning.
---
"Hey! What do you think your doing down here, buddy? The diesel decks are my turf," Cat snapped when he'd arrived at his favourite spot only to find Rimmer playing fetch with the dogs in the long, piped hallway.

"Letting the dogs get some excercise, what does it look like?" Rimmer explained peevishly

"In my turf," Cat said incredulously

"In your turf," Rimmer confirmed

Cat scoffed disbelievingly "Listen, bud-"

Rimmer sighed "Look, Cat, it's the longest straight corridor on the ship, I thought it would make it easier to keep an eye on them. Now, if you wouldn't mind, I'm rather hungover so could you save the hissing for later? Please?" Rimmer pleaded

This wasn't right, was Rimmer trying to reason with him? That was weird. Huffing, Cat turned on his heel and stalked down the hallway, glaring angrily over his shoulder every now and then to make sure Rimmer got the memo.
---
Lister didn't see Rimmer again until that night, when he finally returned to the bunkroom, dogs in tow.

"Hey man, where've you been all day?" Lister asked, putting the old Zero-G Football magazine he was reading on the table in front of him

"Oh, you know, showing the dogs around the diesel decks. Thought they could do with a change of scenery, and it's easier to keep tabs on them," Rimmer said casually, sliding into the seat opposite Lister

"Listen, Rimmer, about last night-"

"I remember it," Rimmer said simply

"What?"

"Well, that's what you were going to ask, wasn't it? ' Do you remember how I waited until you were tanked up so I could interrogate you because I can't believe you were in a good mood and didn't have an ulterior motive?' " Rimmer stated

"Yeah. Sorry." Lister laughed sheepishly

"I don't mind, really. I'd be a bit suspicious if I were you, I suppose,"

Lister raised his eyebrows

"Look, these last months have made me realise I've been a bit of a smeghead," Rimmer sighed

"Wait, what?" Lister pinched himself, convinced this was another one of the weird dreams he'd get after drinking too much lager before bed

"I suppose having a bit of my bitterness gone for once has made me realise I've been behaving like a bit of a gimboid,"

"Go on," Lister smirked, leaning towards Rimmer. Rimmer scoffed

"Oh, shut up. For the record, you're still a git," Rimmer snapped, but there was no heat behind it. Before Lister could formulate a response, Rimmer got up from the table, tending to one of the pups who was needily barking at his feet. Seeing this side of Rimmer was doing something very, very weird to Lister's heart. Deciding he'd probably been up to long, he wordlessly climbed into his bunk, falling asleep to the sound of Rimmer trying to coax one of the little dogs into bed.

Chapter Text

Lister was just walking into the drive room to check the ship diagnostics when Kryten stepped in his path

"Mr Lister sir, I really need to speak to you," Kryten fussed

"What is it, Krytes?" Lister asked, bracing himself for the usual rant about getting the washing and ironing piles mixed up

"It's about the puppies, sir,"

"What about them? Are they alright?"

"They're fine, but sir, can't you see? This isn't working!"

"Whaddya mean? They're settling in well, they're healthy,"

"Sir, Red Dwarf is not designed to contain household pets. Our dog food supplies are running low, and even worse, they've started biting," Kryten grimaced

"Well yeah, all dogs bite, don't they? That's just a thing dogs do,"

"Mr Lister, I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation. Just this morning, Reggie bit through an essential component in the engine room. Thankfully, we caught it in time to send a skutter down and fix it, but think about what else could happen,"

Lister crossed his arms, looking down. Kryten had a point.

"Well, what do you wanna do with them? I mean, we can't exactly flush them out an airlock," Lister reasoned

"That's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. I believe I've located a possible ship for them to relocate to,"

"In deep space?" Lister asked incredulously

"Indeed, sir. It's a 23rd century vessel called a 'Sanctuary ship',"

"What's that?"

"It was a project undertaken around the time I was manufactured. Several ships were sent out, manned by a specialised animal care droid and containing mixed-gender pairs of common animals. Think of them as a modern-day ark, if you will," Kryten explained "The ships were contained in stasis booths, only designed to be deactivated manually, or if an S3 planet was detected. The aim was for them to reach another planet like Earth, breed, and populate whatever planet they ended up at,"

"So, hang on, this ship is in a stasis field? So, the animals won't have evolved, they'll just be like normal animals?"

Kryten nodded "And the droid will still be in perfect working condition. Sir, please consider it, this would be the best place for the dogs to go,"

"I don't think it's me you should be asking,"

As if on cue, Rimmer walked through the door, all six dogs in tow. They didn't even require leeds anymore, simply following him obediently.

"What's this, chaps? Problems with the ironing?" Rimmer said, tone less patronising than it would've been a few months ago

Lister's heart dropped to his stomach.

Rimmer's smile dropped at the silence "What is it? What's happening?"

"We need to talk to you sir, it's about the dogs," Kryten started. Gently, he repeated what he'd said before about the Sanctuary ship, Rimmer slowly looking more and more like he was going to faint as the explanation progressed.

"Right, yeah. Well, erm, yeah. If you think it's for the best," Rimmer finally stuttered once Kryten had finished, face grave.

"Rimmer, are you alright?" Lister asked concernedly

"Tickety-boo. I suppose I'll just... start packing up their things then. Yep, I'll just," Rimmer sidled away, slipping out the door and out of sight down the hallway, the dogs, blissfully unaware, close behind.
---
Lister and Cat stayed behind waiting while Rimmer and Kryten dropped off the dogs on the Sanctuary. While they were gone, Lister couldn't help but worry about Rimmer. He knew how much these dogs meant to him, and not just because of his past. When Kryten finally walked into the drive room, Lister let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"How'd it go?" Lister asked

"Just as expected, sir. The droid was in perfect working condition, and the ship already housed two dogs as well as a few other 21st century common household pets. It took quite a long time to leave though. The dogs were reluctant to leave Mr Rimmer, and Mr Rimmer got particularly weepy over the small one before I eventually dragged him out of there,"

"That was probably Betty II then," Lister mused

"What was that?" Kryten asked

"Nothing, Krytes, It's fine. Where's Rimmer now?"

Kryten frowned "I don't know. He didn't say anything for the whole trip back, and he walked off somewhere as soon as we returned.

Lister stood up, pulling on his deerstalker on his way out "I'm gonna go find him,"

Chapter Text

Peering up the rusty staircase to the Observation Deck, Lister wasn't surprised to see Rimmer sillhouetted in front of the stars. As he ascended, he made a point of treading loudly as to alert him of his presence, but if Rimmer noticed him he didn't show it.

"Hey," Lister tried, falling into place beside Rimmer. An achingly familiar routine. Rimmer still didn't show any signs of hearing him. Feeling useless, he added pathetically "It was for the best, man. They had to go"

"Do you think I don't know that?" Rimmer whipped around suddenly, voice raised, making Lister almost jump out of his skin "Do you think I haven't heard enough of this from that metal git today? 'It was for the best, Mr Rimmer' 'They'll be happy on the Sanctuary, Mr Rimmer' " The last part of his sentence in an eerily good impersonation of Kryten's cheery Canadian accent.

"Well, he's got a point," Lister said softy, putting his hand on top of Rimmer's and taking it as a win when he felt no effort to pull away

"I know they'll be happier there. I know that damned animal care droid will do a better job taking care of them then I ever could. Don't worry, Rimmer, it's only the second time you've failed to look after any being but yourself, well done! I failed on Io and I failed again. Thank you for reminding me," Rimmer ranted, voice thick

Trying his luck, Lister asked gently "What do you mean you failed on Io? Betty loved you, didn't she?"

"Oh, yes, she was the only one who ever has I'd say. And look where that got her," Rimmer said bitterly, finally tearing his eyes from the sky "She's dead, Lister,"

"So is everyone, man. That doesn't erase the years you had with her," Lister pleaded

"No, Lister, you don't get it. Do you know what happened to Betty after I left?" Rimmer's gaze was piercing. Lister looked away

"No,"

"My parents stopped feeding her. She was barely getting along eating my leftovers, so once I divorced them there was no hope for her. I tried to bring her what I could when I saw her,  but once every four weeks wasn't enough. She barely lasted three months. I failed her, Lister, just like I failed this one,"

Lister's eyes watered. He knew Rimmer's family were monsters, bastards, every bad word in the dictionary, but somehow this still struck him as excessively cruel, even after all the stories he'd heard. Sighing, he touched Rimmer's jaw with his hand, pushing his face gently towards him so Rimmer was facing him again

"Those dogs still love you Rimmer. And you know what? So do I. So does Cat, so does Kryten, even if they don't show it, they do. So what? Your family were a bunch of lowlifes, you can't blame yourself for leaving. If Betty hadn't died in there, you would've. You need to let go of your guilt, Arn. It's eating you up inside and I can't bear it,"

Rimmer blinked at him. A moment passed silently. Rimmer opened his mouth as if to speak a few times, before closing it. Finally, in a voice so vulnerable and quiet it made Lister's heart ache, Rimmer asked

"Did you just say you love me?"

"Yeah," Lister smiled up at him "Yeah, I did,"

Rimmer just stared at him, expression unreadable. After a moment passed, Lister tentatively asked

"Are you alright, ma- mmph!" He was cut off as Rimmer crashed his lips into his. Recovering from the initial shock, Lister reciprocated the kiss, a grin spreading across his face as he finally pulled away for air.

"Sorry, I don- I didn't-" Rimmer stammered, face red, before finding his voice "Well, I've gone and buggered that one up, haven't I? Arnie J, pushing away everyone who's ever liked him since 2150,"

"No, no," Lister quickly cut in, snapping back to reality "I've wanted to do that for a while now, if I'm completely honest with ya,"

"Really?" Rimmer asked hesitantly

"Yeah," He laughed "Ever since those dogs I've seen a different side of you, man. The less smeggy guy hiding under all of that ego and neuroses. And, you know, I liked him," Lister added lamely, feeling self-conciously like a blushing teenage girl asking out her first crush.

Rimmer straightened up, his normal false bravado filling the gaps where his vulnerable side had been moments before "Well, I never thought I'd heard you admit I'm a nice guy under it all,"

Lister rolled his eyes, but his tone was fond "Don't get used to it. You're still a smeghead,"

Rimmer laughed. A full, genuine laugh, completely empty of his usual hollow sneeriness, and despite himself, Lister laughed with him.
---
It was a regular night on Red Dwarf, the lights were low in the bunkroom, and the air was empty of sound beside the gentle whir of the engines and the steady thrum of Rimmer's lightbee. Rimmer pulled up his mattress, revealing the hidden compartment underneath that he usually only used for his diary and his favourite model soldier, the sculpted Napoleon with the missing left arm. However, tonight he had two new things to add. Vids.

The first tape he tucked under his diary. It was one Kryten had taken for him of the pups when they'd first found them, just six weeks old, so they could accurately measure their growth. The second, far more worse for wear, he placed next to it. 'Arnold + Betty' said the label, in neat, copperplate handwriting. As he tucked the mattress back into place, head full of memories of his scruffy ten-year-old self and his even scruffier beloved dog, he smiled to himself.

If only Betty could see him now.