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Yoongi walks into work on Monday and his radar for minor disasters goes haywire. The second he steps through the doors to the Bon Appetit building, he’s hit with the same feeling he gets whenever Jimin and Taehyung take bathroom breaks together— suspicion and mild panic. 

Yoongi peers into the empty, grey-carpeted lobby. Sure, nothing looks out of the ordinary, but Yoongi knows better than to take it at face value. He’s always trusted his gut and it’s never let him down. The one time he ignored a gut feeling was Halloween of ‘18 and god, he has regretted it every Sunday at 2am since. 

Nevertheless, he runs through a mental checklist: 

1. Apartment locked? Check.
2. On time for work? Moderately.
3. Appropriately dressed? Well...he’s clothed. 

He proceeds to the elevator with caution, keeping his eyes peeled and his back to the wall. 

Yoongi, like many chefs, has a highly developed intuition; a sixth-sense, if you will; the spiritual equivalent of walking into a bathroom and realizing that someone had chosen poorly from the lunch buffet. (R.I.P. Seojoon from accounting.) In the kitchen, this skill comes in handy when he has to estimate the starch breakdown of a risotto or poach an egg without a timer. Outside of the kitchen, his intuition just translates to an elevated ability to sense when shit’s about to go to hell in a handbasket. 

Yoongi lounges against the wall across from the elevator and sips his coffee, wracking his brain. Was there a meeting he’d forgotten? Had he mistakenly ordered French green lentils instead of black beluga? Did he drunkenly spam Seokjin with cat memes again? God, fuck weekend Yoongi. He really has it out for Monday Yoongi. 

The elevator arrives with a cheerful ding and he steps inside, anxiety curling in his gut. He shifts nervously against the chrome railing, biting at his pinkie nail as the floor number climbs higher and higher. It takes far too long for the elevator to reach the Test Kitchen on the thirty-fifth floor, but when it does, when the elevator doors crawl open, Yoongi’s ambiguous sense of dread ratchets up a whole three notches: one for each beady pair of eyes staring at him from beyond the elevator.

“Well, hello, Senior Food Editor Min Yoongi,” Senior Video Producer Park Jimin chirps. Taehyung and Jeongguk flank him, sporting slightly maniacal grins. Yoongi bravely resists the urge to press the ‘door close’ button and just call it in for the day. 

Yoongi squints at them. “Were you...waiting for me?”

“Noooo,” Jimin says, with a wide smile, “Of course not!”

Yoongi senses the beginnings of a headache. “And you just...knew I’d be using this elevator?”

“You use the same elevator every day, hyung,” Taehyung says.

“Plus you have Find My Friends,” Jeongguk adds.

Yoongi’s eyes narrow. “I didn’t accept you on Find My Friends.”

“Yeah,” Jeongguk agrees casually, “I wouldn’t worry about it.”

Yoongi opens his mouth to say something like what the fuck does that mean? or could you maybe rephrase that in the least ominous way possible? but at the last second he closes his eyes and quietly mutters, “Nope. Not today.” 

He steps out of the elevator and notices the steadicam equipment on the floor. 

“Who’s filming?” he asks.

This question is clearly a mistake if the shared look and the slow-growing grins are anything to go by. The film crew trio are looking at each other like Christmas came early and Yoongi is the big, dildo-shaped present beneath their Christmas tree. It does nothing to soothe his growing apprehension.

“You mean you don’t know?” Jimin breathes delightedly. 

Okay, sure, maybe he could get better at the whole checking his email thing, but missing a mass email about the film schedule is no reason to accost him outside of the elevator. “Know what?” Yoongi asks waspishly. 

“Oh my god,” Jeongguk says in what he thinks is a whisper, “this is the best day of my life.”

Yoongi huffs and stomps past them toward the break room where he stuffs his jacket and bag into his cubby. He then makes a point of settling himself on the squashy couch in the corner and starts fiddling with his phone in an effort to relax. Unfortunately, the gods do not deem him worthy of relaxation this morning, because about two minutes into Stardew Valley the door to the break room slams open with a bang.

“Good morning, Senior Food Editor Min Yoongi!” Hoseok cries, far too cheerful for 8:05 in the morning.

“Why,” Yoongi remarks without looking up from Stardew Valley. It isn’t a question so much as it is his motto. Hoseok has probably already eaten breakfast, gone to a sunrise zumba class, and done his first inventory check of the day. Yoongi is halfway through his Americano and one buttcheek away from disappearing into the crack of the couch.

“You’re here early,” Hoseok comments, rummaging through the fridge, “no late night with your date?”

The thing about Yoongi’s friends is this: they mean well. Truly they do. But sometimes that well-meaning energy translates into setting him up with people he is wildly incompatible with because his friends act like they’ve reached some unknowable nirvana of relationship bliss that they’ve decided Yoongi needs to experience as well. Jimin, Taehyung, and Jeongguk are constantly engaged in some sort of public mating ritual, and Hoseok and Jin have been dating since the dawn of time. They’d love for Yoongi to be in on this whole grossly in love thing, except Yoongi is an internet famous workaholic with a resting bitch face and the combination doesn’t do him any favors in the romance department. 

“If Jin sets me up with one more goddamn investment banker,” Yoongi grouses, “I’m gonna steal his identity and drain his bank account.”

“Hyung,” Hoseok says, “you have a culinary degree. You wouldn’t know the first thing about stealing identities.”

“You don’t know me,” Yoongi says defensively, “I have secrets.”

“Uh-huh,” Hoseok intones dubiously, “how’s the farm?”

“Fuckin’ crows,” Yoongi mutters at his phone. 

“Get some scarecrows.” 

“Crows have to eat, too,” Yoongi informs him. 

“Doesn’t that—?” Hoseok sighs. “Nevermind. God, you’re such a sap.” 

Yoongi shrugs, still staring at his phone.

“Hey, I forgot to ask— you excited about our guest?” Hoseok smirks, sashaying around the couch, yogurt in hand, “do you think he’ll be dressed in those designer shorts again? God, I hope he is. Those are melon-crushing thighs if I’ve ever— wait, what the fuck are you wearing?” 

Yoongi glances down at his outfit: dress shoes, sweatpants, and a bright pink t-shirt with a decal of grumpy cat flipping everyone the bird. He looks up at Hoseok. “What?” 

Hoseok is looking at him like he just sprouted tentacles, which is to say in horror and blatant disgust. “Hyung,” he says, “Please do not tell me you came to work today in your pajamas.” 

“These aren’t not pajamas,” Yoongi tells him slowly. 

“Yoongi! ” Hoseok screeches, “We have a dress code! You’re about to meet the love of your life in 10 minutes and you showed up in sweatpants?”

Yoongi blinks. “The love of my— what?”

Hoseok stalks to his cubby. “Unbelievable,” he mutters, rifling through his backpack. “After all the hard work I put into this, hyung? Really? Scrubbing down every station, triple-checking the inventory, cleaning the microwaves…” Hoseok whirls on him. “I even organized the walk-in alphabetically and by color! It looks really pretty in there!”

“I’m sorry,” Yoongi says meekly, not really knowing what he’s apologizing for or what it has to do with his sweatpants, “You worked really hard, Seok-ah.”

Hoseok hands him an extra pair of slacks and a button down, looking mollified. “Thank you,” he sniffs, “now get changed. Did you brush your teeth? I have an extra—” 

“Yes, I brushed my teeth, Hoseok!” Yoongi growls, peeling his t-shirt off and shoving his arms through Hoseok’s button down. “What are you, my mom?” 

The break room door slams open a second time, right as Yoongi is shimmying his sweatpants down to his ankles. God what a fucking morning.

“There you are!” Kim Seokjin exclaims, “Stripping in front of the Kitchen Manager? In our place of work, no less? Yoongi-yah, you shameless vixen!”

“Sorry,” Yoongi says in a dead voice, sweatpants tangled around his legs, “I just couldn’t resist.”

“Ah, Yoongichi, I forgive you,” Seokjin says, slinging an arm around Hoseok’s waist and planting a loud, wet kiss on his cheek, “few mortals survive the siren song of my boyfriend’s ass.” 

“Is that workplace harassment?” Yoongi asks mildly, kicking off the sweatpants, “It is, isn’t it?”

Hoseok scoffs. “He came into work in pajamas, hyung. Can you believe it? Pajamas. ” 

Seokjin gasps like Hoseok just said that Yoongi murders poodles for a living. Hoseok shoots Yoongi a triumphant look. Yoongi glares at them both, but the effect is somewhat ruined by the way he trips on his own feet while pulling up the slacks. 

“Yoongi-yah.” Seokjin clasps Yoongi’s hands between both of his and looks into his eyes with far more intensity than Yoongi is comfortable with. “Do not ruin this for me. I pulled a lot of strings to get him here, so you need to act less like a grumpy couch gremlin and more like a real human person with an actual sleep schedule, okay? Can you do that for hyung?”

“What the fuck?” Yoongi tugs his hands away. Was it read Yoongi for filth day and he just didn’t get the memo? “Get who here? Did the fucking president come to the Test Kitchen today? Why are you all acting like this?” 

Seokjin’s brow furrows. It doesn’t make him look any less handsome, which just pisses Yoongi off more. “Didn’t you get the email?” 

“I— well, probably!”

“Oh my god.” Seokjin pinches the bridge of his nose, like he’s the one with a goddamn reason to be annoyed. “Yoongi, please tell me you were paying attention during Friday’s staff meeting about the very important email that went out?”

“Of course I was paying attention!” Yoongi protests.

Seokjin looks at him doubtfully.

“I was...definitely present?” Yoongi amends. He vaguely remembers sitting behind Heeyoung and watching her absolutely butcher the Piano Tiles rendition of River Flows in You. Amateur, really. He could play that song in his sleep. Upside-down. With his toes. 

Seokjin closes his eyes.

“Oh just— here.” Hoseok shoves his phone so close to Yoongi’s face that his eyes cross. 

Subject: Week 24 Schedule 

From: Kim Seokjin [email protected]

To: Test Kitchen Staff [email protected] , Video Production Staff [email protected]  

Happy Friday everyone,

Next week’s filming schedule is attached in a doc below. Please remember to show up on time, properly dressed, and prepared. It goes without saying that we should leave our work spaces clean and tidy in preparation for next week, but let’s all pay extra attention today since Monday’s scheduled shoot is an episode of Back-to-Back Chef starring our very own Senior Food Editor Min Yoongi and a very special guest!!!

Please contact me with any questions or concerns.

Regards,

Kim Seokjin
Bon Appetit Editor-In-Chief

“Okay,” Yoongi says slowly, “So I’m filming. No big deal. Who’s my special guest?” 

 Seokjin and Hoseok share a look.

Yoongi’s anxiety spikes.

*****

This is not the worst thing that’s ever happened to him on a Monday, Yoongi tries to remind himself.

Seokjin and Hoseok had manhandled him out of the break room and into the Test Kitchen proper without telling him a single thing about his guest. They were probably in the break room right now, making out on Yoongi’s favorite squishy couch, those fucking traitors. But Yoongi is a professional. He can handle meeting this mysterious guest and then he can succumb to the weird existential dread that's been churning in his gut all morning.  

“Have you seen him yet?” someone whispers straight into his ear canal. 

Yoongi yelps and whirls around, rubbing his ear. Taehyung stands there, looking inordinately pleased with himself. 

“What are you doing?” Yoongi hisses, “You almost gave me a heart attack!”

“Sorry,” Taehyung shrugs, “but have you?”

 “Seen who?” Yoongi asks shortly, “My guest?” 

Taehyung spins Yoongi around by the waist before the food editor can bat his hands away. “Look,” Taehyung says reverently, pointing toward the wide open door of the conference room. 

At first, all Yoongi sees is Jimin’s back and a side-view of Jeongguk staring dreamily at some tall blond, which is nothing new. Jeongguk’s always had a thing for tall blonds. Probably an intern, poor thing. But then the tall stranger turns toward them and Yoongi almost swallows his goddamn tongue. 

“Fuck,” Yoongi croaks, “Is that…?”

“Oh yeah,” Taehyung says smugly, “in the flesh.”

Today’s guest on Back-to-Back Chef is RM: rapper, producer, and all around darling of indie label Prometheus Records. Anyone who knew anything about Seoul’s underground hip hop scene had heard of him. Yoongi and Jeongguk alone are probably responsible for half of the plays on RM’s SoundCloud, which was embarrassing in retrospect, now that Yoongi was five feet away and about to be subjected to the mortifying ordeal of being known.

And unfortunately, RM is hot. Like what happened to my resting heart rate kind of hot. Like I changed gyms to watch him work out kind of hot. Like pull over this car immediately, I’m going to give him the blowjob he deserves kind of hot. Yoongi, on the other hand, is fairly certain that no one’s ever changed gyms for him. Yeah, sure, maybe his chances would increase if he actually got a gym membership. Whatever. No one’s perfect. 

Well, Namjoon might be, but that’s probably a personal opinion.

Anyway, having RM in his immediate vicinity is stressful for multiple reasons, and the rapper has the nerve to just stand there, unaware of Yoongi’s impending breakdown. How dare he, with his mussed hair and his dimples and his legs for fucking days beneath those—

“Wait, is he wearing…overalls?” Yoongi squints. 

He is. 

“Oh my god,” Yoongi says.

“Yeah, and not to alarm anyone,” Taehyung comments, “but I think he has a blowtorch in his front pocket.”

Yoongi makes a face. “What sort of gross— oh god,” Yoongi says with a jolt of realization, “Oh god, he does. Why does he have a torch in his pocket?”

“Dunno,” Taehyung says mildly, “but if you don’t go get it, he might actually hurt himself. Or Jiminie. Or Jeongguk-ah.”

“Why don’t you go get it?” Yoongi asks, suddenly overwhelmed by the realization that he has to make small talk with a hot person because of his dumb job. “They’re your boyfriends!”

Taehyung looks at him sympathetically. “Do you want me to go with you?”

“No,” Yoongi grumbles reluctantly, whipping out his phone, “I can do it on my own.”

Yoongi>>> Hoseok-ah + Seokjin hyung

Yoongi [8:17]

this is a courtesy warning:
we are now mortal enemies.
prepare for battle.

Hoseok [8:18]

AHAHAHAHA

Seokjin is typing...

Yoongi pockets his phone just in time to see Jimin and Jeongguk leading RM over. Jimin’s chatting with this huge smile on his face and Jeongguk looks like he’s going to erupt in tears at any moment, which Yoongi can relate to.

“You good, hyung?” Taehyung asks, “You look, uh. Bad.”

“I think I’m gonna barf,” Yoongi mumbles. 

Taehyung looks concerned. “Do you want a hug?”

“That’s the last thing I want, thanks.”

Jimin is still talking when they come to a stop in front of him and Taehyung. “...so this is Taehyungie, the one I was telling you about. He’s the best, he’s the other Senior Video Producer and also my other boyfriend. And this is Yoongi hyung! He’s the chef you’ll be working with today. Don’t worry, he’s cool, his face just looks like that in the morning.”

Surely, Yoongi thinks, it is too early in the morning to be abandoned by every god in existence. He’d done nothing to deserve this. This must be some horrific nightmare; the grown adult’s equivalent of dreaming that you arrived at school naked. But then RM is smiling at him and bowing and Yoongi realizes that this horrific nightmare is actually real life. 

“Hey, I’m Kim Namjoon. It’s really nice to meet you, Yoongi-ssi.”

By some miracle of inner strength, Yoongi manages to rein in his spiraling panic and bow to RM in return. Namjoon, he reminds himself, not RM.  

“Hi,” Yoongi chokes out, in a startling display of competence, “it’s nice to meet you, too. Thanks for agreeing to do this.”

“Thank you,” Namjoon replies earnestly, “I’m kind of a huge fan, honestly. I’ve been watching you guys for years.”

“Ahaha,” Yoongi chuckles nervously, viscerally reminded of all the times he’s appeared in Jeongguk’s Behind The Scenes show with video titles like BTS with Back-to-Back Chef ft. the test kitchen’s grandpa and BTS Blind Bake-off ft. a snacc called yoongi. (Jimin had named that one.)

“Well isn’t that interesting,” Jimin says with unrepentant glee, “because we happen to love listening to RM! Isn’t that right, Kook?”

Jeongguk makes a garbled approximation of an agreement while blushing furiously. Jimin looks inappropriately delighted.

“Yeah,” Taehyung pipes up, “we listen to a lot of your stuff. Jeonggukie and Yoongi hyung play it all the time. 

“Especially Yoongi hyung,” Jeongguk agrees. 

“Yoongi in particular,” Jimin echoes, “He loves RM.”

“Oh, um, you can just call me Namjoon,” the blond tells them.

“Cool,” Yoongi says as pleasantly as a person can while planning a homicide, “feel free to call me hyung.” He looks murderously at Jimin. “Just a friendly reminder.”

“Alrighty then,” Taehyung says hastily, before Jimin can deliver his retort, “Now that introductions are over, let’s get this show on the road, shall we? Wooooo! Go team! Bon Appetit!” He grabs Jimin and Jeongguk and tugs them over to the cameras. 

Namjoon’s gaze flickers to Yoongi’s still-frozen form. “You all seem...close.”

“You know what they say,” Yoongi mutters, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”

“Which one are they?” Namjoon asks.

Yoongi glares at Jimin’s retreating form with the intensity of a thousand suns. “It varies by day.”

*****

Yoongi had not woken up thinking he’d be filming with Kim Namjoon today. If he had, he might’ve put on a little makeup, maybe worn the slacks that hug his ass a little tighter than necessary. Still, tight pants or no, he’s got to do his job, starting with politely asking Namjoon to take the blow torch out of his pocket for safety’s sake. The rapper had quickly done so, apologizing profusely. I’m so sorry, the rapper had said, Jeongguk-ah was showing me his favorite kitchen tools and I must have just, uh, hung onto it. 

Yoongi had narrowed his eyes. Was he showing you which ones he’d make into weapons during a zombie apocalypse? 

Yeah, how’d you know?

Yoongi had snorted. Typical. Discussing weapons of the zombie apocalypse was basically Jeongguk’s version of a flirty conversation ice breaker, but Yoongi wasn’t about to tell Namjoon that. The rapper had been here all of ten minutes before he’d been asked to rank photos of Jimin’s chelsea boot collection by pointiness and also sex appeal. Yoongi loved his friends deeply and abidingly, but they could be intense at first impression and Namjoon didn’t need to be privy to every chaotic detail of their courtship routines. 

“...so on a scale of 1 to 10, how confident are you feeling?” Yoongi asks.

There’s a tripod pointed at each station, documenting their every move. You’d think that would eliminate the need for the film crew to stand around like they’re watching the last flight of the Hindenburg, but today seems to be some sort of cosmic exception to the usual rules that govern the universe. 

“A solid four.” Namjoon hesitates. “There are just, um. A lot of things here?”

The mise en place is arrayed before them, everything diced, chopped, and painstakingly measured for them by Hoseok and his merry band of helpers. To an inexperienced cook, the sheer number of glass measuring bowls might seem intimidating. 

Jeongguk waves his hand in the the universal hurry the fuck up motion. Yoongi digs deep into his professional, on-camera persona and doesn’t give Jeongguk the finger. 

“How would you rate your kitchen experience?” he asks Namjoon instead.

“Maybe a three?”

Yoongi nods, wiping his sweaty palms on his apron. “I’m guessing you’ve never butterflied chicken before?”

“No,” Namjoon answers, “I was just going to wing it.”

There’s a loaded silence. Yoongi blinks. Opens his mouth. Closes it. Blinks again. “Was that a food pun?” he asks incredulously, “In my kitchen?”

“Depends,” Namjoon replies, “Is the kitchen really yours? The concept of ownership is flawed, but inasmuch as anyone can own anything, I guess it could be. Maybe. Oh, it definitely would be if this was a worker cooperative. Wait, is it? How progressive is your company’s view of employee rights?”

Yoongi gapes at the camera, stunned. The silence in the room is deafening. Jeongguk is giving the rapper full-on heart eyes from across the room. It’s disgusting. Almost as disgusting as the surge of fondness and savage exultation that swells beneath Yoongi’s breastbone at the sound of one of his favorite musicians speaking his anti-capitalist love language. 

“Well, I dunno about the company,” Jimin pipes up, “but Yoongi is definitely pro-employee rights.”

“Very pro-employee rights,” Taehyung adds.

“He actually submits revisions to the employee handbook,” Jeongguk says. 

“Oh,” Namjoon says, “neat.” 

“Anyway,” Yoongi says, shooting a warning glare at the camera crew, “it actually is my kitchen because I’m the king. For the month, anyway.” 

Namjoon laughs. 

“It’s true,” Taehyung solemnly confirms for the viewers, tilting his head into view of the camera lens, “hyung was crowned Test Kitchen King at our last drunk trivia night.”

“Oh,” Namjoon says, “you’re serious.” 

“Those are the rules,” Jeongguk chirps from somewhere off-screen, “Yoongi hyung won drunk trivia so he’s Test Kitchen King until the next one.”

“It’s true,” Yoongi tells the audience, “my word is law. Watch this— from now on, food puns are banned.”

Jimin and Taehyung burst into loud, indignant squawking. Namjoon frowns. “You can’t really do that, can you?”

Yoongi shrugs. “I’m the king. I can do what I want.” 

“This might be a violation of my free speech,” Namjoon says thoughtfully, “I could probably sue.”

“I don’t think you can sue royalty,” Yoongi says.

“Maybe,” Namjoon concedes, “Hey, totally unrelated, but what are the rules for overthrowing the Test Kitchen King?”

"You have to win drunk trivia, Kim Namjoon. That’s the only way.”

“Hmm,” Namjoon muses, “Good to know.”

*****

The video goes viral. 

Yoongi is developing a crab cake recipe the day Back-to-Back Chef: Chicken Katsu Sandwiches ft. RM is posted. He doesn’t make much progress on the recipe because he’s too busy refreshing the YouTube page every three minutes, watching the views skyrocket and reading comments. 

Call me old-fashioned but I was raised to serve my man. I was taught to fry his chicken, churn his butter, toast his bread. If he cheats, that’s on me, he caught ME slipping

all i see is a cat holding a knife

KIM NAMJOON INVENTED COOKING WE STAN A TALENTED KING!!!

Gordon Ramsey has left the chat. 

that hair, that fit? RM really came for our throats huh

yoongfi pls marriage me

He doesn’t fully understand why the video is so popular at first; none of his other Back-to-Back episodes pulled these numbers. Yoongi eventually realizes that Kim Namjoon is the deciding factor. Not only is he a celebrated lyrical genius in Seoul’s underground rap scene, but he also looks like a five course meal and well...Yoongi isn’t an idiot. He knows how internet fame works. Namjoon will probably have thousands of new fans by morning.  

Yoongi goes to RM’s SoundCloud, queues up Persona, and pretends not to think about Namjoon for the rest of the day.  

*****

(Yoongi wakes up to hundreds of new followers on Instagram and about as many people asking: When are you two going to film again?

Whenever he wants to, Yoongi replies, and means it.)

*****

Yoongi rushes into the Test Kitchen half an hour late and frazzled. He’s feeling twitchy and he thinks it's probably because he stayed up listening RM's debut mixtape for the 3,011th time, but hey. That's never stopped him before. So he likes good music. So he thinks Namjoon's music specifically is good. Sue him.

It’s a typical busy day; he needs to film for three separate videos (Pro Chefs Make Their Favorite Coffee, a blind cheese taste test, and 60 Second Chef: aioli edition). He has to photograph the final version of his crab cake recipe for the upcoming issue of their magazine, help Hoseok with the pantry clean-out, and meet with Seokjin to talk logistics about a special Back-To-Back Chef episode he’s been planning for their Thanksgiving shoot. 

He wants to think his lateness is the reason he entered the building with an uneasy feeling, but he has a sneaking suspicion that there’s more to it than that. Yoongi’s intuition is never wrong, and his radar for dumb shit is seriously screaming at him right now. The last time this happened, he showed up to work in pajamas and had to wear Hoseok’s oversized clothes to film with the prettiest semi-famous rapper in South Korea because Yoongi’s boss has never understood the concept of a league or Yoongi’s place within one. 

Either way, there’s a lot on Yoongi’s mind when he walks into the Test Kitchen and none of it involves pretty rappers, so when he spots the one and only Kim Namjoon lounging by the espresso machine, he just stops walking. 

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” Yoongi says, out loud to himself and also the whole room, because Namjoon is looking like an early grave— Yoongi’s specifically, because he’s about 3 inches of thigh away from leaving this mortal coil. God, it should be illegal to look that good in shorts. Maybe he needed to make it a new Test Kitchen law. No shorts allowed unless you’re willing to be filmed crushing melons in them. 

Namjoon, thank god, does not hear his exclamation or develop the sudden ability to read his filthy fucking mind (no thanks to Hoseok for that particular thought). The rapper just catches sight of him by chance and waves with a close-mouthed, dimpled smile. Yoongi waves back nervously and Namjoon seems to take this as an invitation to make his way over.

Cool, cool, cool, Yoongi tells himself, no problem. 

“Hey, hyung,” Namjoon says, looking pleased, “It’s good to see you again.”

“Good to see you too,” Yoongi answers automatically, “you look nice.” The compliment slips out without his permission and what’s even worse is that he means it. Yoongi always thought the denim-on-denim trend was a sin before god, but on Namjoon it’s just charming. 

Namjoon’s gaze skitters to the floor, but he beams so hard his eyes crinkle at the corners. “Ah, thanks. You look good, too, hyung.”

Yoongi feels heat climbing up the back of his neck all the way to his ears. There isn’t much of a difference between the words nice and good. Hardly a difference at all, in this context. But Namjoon’s gaze drifts down Yoongi’s body and the apples of his cheeks are a little pink and Yoongi can’t help but wonder if maybe Namjoon’s good means something different after all.

Yoongi clears his throat and shoves his hands into his pockets. “So are you here to see Jin hyung, or?”

Namjoon furrows his brows. “No, I’m not here to see— oh. Oh. They didn’t tell you, did they?”

A faint suspicion tickles the back of his head. “Tell me what?” Yoongi asks, though he’s fairly certain he already knows the answer.

It might be his imagination, but Namjoon seems to deflate a bit at the question. “Seokjin-ssi invited me back to shoot another video.” 

“For today?” Yoongi frowns. “We’re all pretty busy today. When does your shoot start?”

“It...has?” Namjoon says, “Um, they’re already filming.” 

The back of Yoongi’s neck prickles and he slowly turns around. Sure enough, there are tripods standing by his station, pointed in their direction. Jimin is lounging in the back corner with a steadicam aimed straight at them. Jeongguk and Taehyung are staring at them over the tops of their clipboards. Yoongi turns back around and comes face to face with the mic that’s been clipped to Namjoon’s shirt the entire time they’ve been having this conversation. 

“Right,” Yoongi says tonelessly, making a mental note to blackmail Jimin into deleting this section of footage, “of course they are. Who are you filming with?”

Namjoon’s hesitation is all Yoongi needs to fill in the blanks.

“Right,” Yoongi repeats, “Of course.”

“It was kind of a last minute thing.” Namjoon’s shoulders are hunched, like he’s trying to make himself smaller. “If you’re busy we don’t have to do it. I mean, Seokjin-ssi did say that the date could be switched if you—”

“It’s fine,” Yoongi interjects, mentally curb-stomping his schedule into the trash bin, “Really. You just surprised me. I don’t have a lot going on today so this is a perfect time, actually.”

“It’s fine if you just don’t want to,” Namjoon continues, as if he hadn’t heard, “I don’t want you to feel, like, obligated to entertain me.”

“I don’t,” Yoongi tells him a little too honestly, “I don’t at all. And even if I did, making a video with Kim Namjoon trumps all other obligations, so. We’re good.”

“Oh,” Namjoon replies, “I...really? Like, you want— uh. Okay! Haha, cool.”

“Cool,” Yoongi echoes, “so what’s the plan?”

“I’m not really sure,” Namjoon says, “but they left us a present and said we should open it, so, um. It’s here.” He steps to the side, revealing a box wrapped in Tiffany blue paper and white ribbon on the counter behind him. 

“Alarming,” Yoongi remarks. 

Namjoon leans forward like he’s trying to stare into the box with x-ray vision. “I mean, it’s just a box. How bad could it be?” he reasons.

Yoongi sighs. “If you knew them better you wouldn’t be asking that question, but since you’re so eager, Namjoon-ah, you can do the honors.”

Namjoon immediately tugs at the ribbon with little to no regard for what object might be inside. Yoongi braces himself for the inevitable catastrophe: the blare of an air horn, a faceful of glitter, a tombstone cake saying Oops! We killed your career! with a photo of Yoongi’s Halloween ‘18 costume embedded in the center. Namjoon doesn’t appear to be recoiling in horror though, so maybe it isn’t all that bad. 

Yoongi sidles closer, brushing elbows with the rapper to peer into the box. There are no career-ending horrors or air horns inside, but there is a steel wire trap, a crudely drawn picture of Jimin next to a boat, and 25 feet of neatly coiled rope. 

“Is this a warning?” Namjoon asks with mild alarm, “are we being kidnapped?” 

Yoongi pulls everything out of the box and sighs at the rainbow array of bubble letters drawn on the bottom.

YOU’RE GOING CRABBING!!!! 

(with cutie, sexy, lovely Jiminie!!!!)

There’s a cluster of dicks drawn beneath the bubble letters. Yoongi elects to ignore them.

“Hope you like seafood.”

Namjoon winces. “I hate seafood.” 

“Well,” Yoongi says, “fuck.”

*****

Yoongichi [10:43]

1. how did u get him here a second time

2. what are you planning

Seokjinnie [10:45]

im sure i dont know what u mean yoongichi

Yoongichi [10:45]

do you know whats on this boat?

Soekjinnie [10:46]

the opportunity to find true love?

Yoongichi [10:46]

a man
slaughtering blackpink on acoustic guitar

Seokjinnie [10:51]

weird
whats a murderer doing on a crabbing vessel

Yoongichi [10:51]

LIKE YOU DONT KNOW

Seokjinnie [10:54]

oh look
Jiminie’s latest snap story:

Yoongichi [10:55]

jimin will suffer beside you

Seokjinnie [10:56]

arent u having fun?

Yoongichi [10:59]

namjoon tripped and fell into the water and had to buy new clothes.
i had to hold up a towel while he changed on the boat
so what do you think hyung?
do you think im having fun?

Seokjinnie [10:59]

idk but i think its incredible u were able to reach that high

Yoongichi [11:00]

fUCK YHOU!!!

Seokjinnie [11:03]

no thanks im taken!

*****

Yoongi looks up from his phone. “Namjoon-ah.”

Namjoon freezes guiltily where he’s hunched over the gallon buckets, surreptitiously dropping crabs over the side of the boat.

“What are your thoughts on crab rights?” Yoongi asks, very seriously. He needs an answer and he doesn’t have much time. Jimin would be back from the bathroom any minute now. 

“I’m definitely pro-crab rights,” the rapper answers, just as seriously, “Why?”

Yoongi rubs a finger over his bottom lip, deep in thought. 

“Are you okay, hyung?” Namjoon asks tentatively. 

“I’m fine,” Yoongi says automatically, “just...thinking. About crabs.”

Namjoon nods solemnly. “You too? They’re really important to the marine ecosystem, hyung. They’re one of the main decomposers, you know? If crabs didn’t exist, the oceans would be really gross.”

“Uh-huh,” Yoongi says, watching a piece of trash drift by on the waves, “Right. Hey, how do you feel about rebellion?”

“Pardon?”

“And by rebellion I mean revenge.”

“I--what?”

Yoongi huffs. “Listen up, Kim Namjoon, I’m only gonna ask you once. How would you feel if we turned the boat around, ate an ethically-sourced lunch, and used the opportunity to tell viewers about the importance of sustainable food production?”

For a moment, there’s only the sound of the boat motor and a badly tuned acoustic guitar in the air between them.

“Oh my god,” Namjoon says faintly, “holy shit, I think I’m in love.”

Yoongi frowns. He definitely misheard that. “What?”

“I mean— yes! Yes, please! God, yes. That— that’s an amazing idea. We can let the crabs go, right? I— I’ll go tell the captain to turn around!” Namjoon scrambles to his feet and trots out of sight.

The acoustic rendition of “Ddu-du Ddu-du” cut off as the guitarist gives Yoongi a shrewd look. “This isn’t gonna affect my pay, is it?” he asks, “That Kim Seokjin guy promised me three hours of work.”

“He’s paying you?” Yoongi says skeptically, “Uh. I can throw in a free lunch if you want?” 

The guitarist growls something nasty under his breath and goes to the upper deck to practice his butchery of BlackPink’s pop hit. Jimin materializes on the upper deck and makes a beeline for Yoongi.

“Hyung,” Jimin calls, “you would not believe how clean that bathroom is down— wait, is the boat turning around?”

Yoongi leans back in his seat and puts his bucket hat over his face. 

“Hyung,” Jimin says urgently, “hyung, are you listening to me? Hyung?”

*****

*****

Yoongi is probably a little bit in love.

He and Namjoon spend an hour and a half eating lunch along the Han while Jimin begrudgingly films them. Their conversation starts with crabs and slowly drifts into the ethics of food production. Namjoon is surprisingly well-informed about issues of food justice in Seoul. When Yoongi talks about the importance of maintaining biodiversity, Namjoon enthusiastically agrees and begins a well-reasoned argument against unsustainable urban development practices. Yoongi almost starts researching eco-friendly wedding venues right then and there.

“Your label really doesn’t care if you talk about this shit?” Yoongi asks skeptically from where he’s ensconced in the shade of a large, profusely budding tree. Namjoon is sitting across from him, long legs crossed in front of him, soaking up the sun like he’s a plant that needs to photosynthesize instead of a human. His tanned skin glows in the sunlight. Yoongi does his utmost not to stare for too long. Hoseok really hadn’t been lying about the thighs. 

“Not really. People always ask me if my rap is political,” Namjoon says to the camera, in between bites, and Yoongi promptly begins to have a silent freak out about whether or not the camera caught him ogling his guest’s legs. His mom watches his videos, for god’s sake. He can’t be horny in front of his mom.

“And some of it is very obviously political and driven by my feelings about a particular issue. But I think the real question they’re trying to ask is: why aren’t you afraid? And like, of course I’m afraid, but that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna talk about the things that matter, you know? My label knows that. They support it.”

“Cool,” Yoongi answers, because he’s totally useless and also still thinking about Namjoon’s legs.

“Hey,” the guitarist guy says, “do I need to stick around or can I just send you the bill?”

“Oh,” Yoongi says, surprised he was even still there, “sure, man. Yeah, you can go.” 

“Can we share an Uber?” Jimin asks the guitarist, lowering the camera.

“No?” says the guitarist.

“Pleeeeaaase?” Jimin whines with his most lethal puppy dog eyes. 

“Uh,” the guitarist says, sounding a little stunned, “I mean...I guess?” 

Jimin fist pumps and dashes for the street, equipment in tow, guitarist trailing behind. 

Namjoon watches them go. “Um, should we go with them or…?” 

“Nah,” Yoongi says, “Jimin just wants to beat me to the Test Kitchen.”

Namjoon frowns. “Why would he want to do that?”

“Because he’s a fucking snitch.” 

“What?”

“Haha, nothing,” Yoongi says and shoves half of his sandwich down his esophagus so he doesn’t have to elaborate. 

Namjoon just seems to accept this, and rolls out of the sun until he’s lying on his back next to Yoongi. He pillows his head on his arms and stares up into the tree branches, watching them sway in the breeze. They share a companionable silence while Yoongi eats the remainder of his lunch. It’s the kind of silence that Yoongi doesn’t feel pressed to break, the kind he can just sink into. Yoongi likes those kinds of silences; the ones you share with people you’re comfortable with and— wait, since when had he become so comfortable around Namjoon? Since the conversation about workers’ rights? His horrible chicken pun? He’d been in Namjoon’s presence a grand total of twice and he was already attached. God, meaningful human contact was a horrifying thing.

Yoongi is jarred from his revelation by Namjoon’s voice. “I’m, um, really sorry if I kept you from other things,” Namjoon is saying, “I know you probably had other things planned when you came to work today.”

“It’s okay. I’ll just stay a little later than usual.”

Namjoon winces. “Sorry,” he says again.

“This was a nice change of pace,” Yoongi says, brushing aside his concern, “I would’ve told you if I didn’t want to do it.”

“Ah.” Namjoon sighs and rolls onto his side, facing Yoongi. “I wish I were more like that sometimes. Just being able to say things clearly. Not overthinking it.”

He’s got this little furrow between his brows that Yoongi just wants to reach out and smooth away with his thumb. “Got a lot on your mind?” Yoongi asks. 

Namjoon’s jaw clenches for a moment. “Always,” he mutters ruefully. 

Yoongi hums thoughtfully and leans back on his hands. He watches Namjoon worry his bottom lip, staring up into the tree branches with an expression that is both heavy and thoughtful. Yoongi gets it. Sometimes you just needed to mull things over on your own. But Yoongi is also a master of self-criticism, and he knows how to recognize when contemplation starts to spill over into unnecessary fixation. While Yoongi can’t pretend to know what sort of things Namjoon might have to worry about, he figures that even talented, semi-famous rappers need to be coaxed out of their own heads sometimes.

Yoongi nudges Namjoon’s foot with his own. “Pick one thing,” he suggests, “one thing you wouldn’t mind sharing.”

Namjoon exhales. “Yeah. Yeah, okay. Then I was just wondering— will it, um.” Namjoon gives him a quick side glance. Yoongi waits patiently. “Will it worry your...significant other? That you have to work late?”

Yoongi opens his mouth to speak, and then closes it. Clears his throat. Opens his mouth again. But Namjoon is looking at him, wide-eyed and apprehensive, like he’s wondering if he just made a mistake, like he’s suddenly realizing all of the ways in which this question could go terribly, horrifically wrong for him. 

“Holy shit, I’m so sorry,” Namjoon says hastily, “I’m sorry, that was really...it’s not any of my business what you—”

“No, no, no,” Yoongi hastily assures him, “you’re fine, Joon-ah. I don’t....have anyone. Not like that.”

The admission hangs between them. Namjoon watches him with careful eyes. “Joon-ah,” he says, “you called me Joon-ah.”

Yoongi blinks. “Oh, I didn’t even— sorry. Uh. I don’t have to.”

“No, I like it,” Namjoon tells him. The furrow between his brows is gone. “I like it, hyung.”

It’s hard to make Yoongi blush. Years of being friends with Seokjin should have completely desensitized him to petty emotions like ‘shame’ and ‘embarrassment’. But something about Namjoon saying I like it, hyung has his gut clenching, a sweet, slow heat crawling up the back of his neck. 

And then Yoongi’s phone starts to buzz like a thousand angry wasps.

Hoseok [1:37]

sooo
jiminie just got back
do u have anything u want to share w the class yoons???

“Oh god,” Yoongi groans.

Yoongi [1:37]

how much did he tell you

Hoseok [1:37]

enough
:)))

Hoseok [1:37]

hyung wants to know if uve gotten to second base yet ^^

“Sorry,” Yoongi mutters, shoving his phone as deep in his pocket as it can go, “work stuff.”

“It’s fine.” Namjoon glances at his watch. “I should get going, anyway. My manager wanted me back a while ago.”

Yoongi pushes himself off of the ground with a groan and dusts his hands off. “Want me to call an Uber?” he asks. 

“I’m taking the bus,” Namjoon replies. Yoongi silently holds out his hands and Namjoon takes them with a soft, dimpled smile, pulling himself off the ground and nearly overbalancing Yoongi in the process. 

“Yah, Kim Namjoon!” Yoongi scolds while laughing, “are you trying to kill me here?”

“Sorry,” Namjoon says sheepishly, “I’m heavier than I look.”

“You’re like, 80% leg,” Yoongi retorts, finally yanking the taller man off the ground, “you’re not that heavy. I’m just short. It’s physics.”

“Not that short,” Namjoon mumbles, staring down at their clasped hands, “You’re strong.”

“I’m short and strong,” Yoongi continues, “Like an ant. Hey, did you know that ants can lift up to 5,000 times their weight, Kim Namjoon?”

The corners of Namjoon’s mouth curl upward. There’s a warmth in Yoongi’s chest from just watching it. Up close he can see the way Namjoon’s lashes flutter against his cheeks, the dew of sweat at his hairline. Namjoon’s hands are warm, grounding. They fit well in his. He kind of wants to always be touching Namjoon.

“Hey,” Yoongi says gently, “Joon-ah. Would it be okay if hyung put his number in your phone?”

Namjoon’s eyes go wide. “Oh! My— yeah! Um, my work phone or my personal phone?”

Yoongi licks his lips nervously. He doesn’t miss how Namjoon follows the movement. “Personal,” Yoongi admits, “Only if you want me to, though.” 

“Yeah,” Namjoon murmurs, still staring at Yoongi’s bottom lip, “yeah, I want you to.” 

There’s a brief pause.

“Okay,” Yoongi clears his throat. “Can I, uh...have your phone?”

“Oh! Right,” The rapper drops Yoongi’s hands to fumble in his pockets. Yoongi presses his lips together, clasps his hands behind his back, if only to keep from touching more than he should. Namjoon pulls out a phone with a baby blue Ryan case. It’s scratched in a few places; the case is chipped on the side. “Here,” he says breathlessly, “It’s unlocked.” 

“You leave your personal phone unlocked?” Yoongi shakes his head in mock despair. 

“You leave yours unlocked, too,” Namjoon points out. 

“I’m not a famous rapper,” Yoongi retorts, typing in his information, “and passwords don’t mean anything when you’re friends with Jeongguk.” He hands the phone back. Namjoon cradles it in his hand like it’s something to be treasured.

“Text me anytime,” Yoongi says, “Anytime, Joon-ah.” He doesn’t care if it sounds a little desperate.

Namjoon clutches the phone close to his chest. “Yeah,” he replies, “I will.”

*****

Unknown Number [11:07]

hey yoongi hyung
it’s namjoon 🦀✨

Yoongi [11:08]

hey joon-ah
shouldn't you be sleeping?

Namjoon [11:10]

yeah
just wanted to say hi again

Yoongi [11:10]

hi 

Namjoon [11:11]

hi

Yoongi [11:11]

go to sleep ok?
it’s really late
we’ll talk soon

Namjoon [11:12]

ok
goodnight hyung!!

Yoongi [11:13]

goodnight joon-ah 🦀✨

*****

Yoongi goes about the typical business of living his life for the next few weeks. He wakes up, makes coffee, goes to work, goes out with friends, sleeps in on weekends...the usual. Except now he’s texting a kind-of famous rapper semi-regularly and ever since their second video came out, their fans are starting to say things like omg why aren’t they dating yet?? and god, the UST is killing me. (Yoongi had spent a good three minutes trying to guess what UST was before giving in and doing a Naver search, wherein he realized that UST did not, in fact, stand for uncomfortable sea travel.)

Anyway, the moral of that story is that Yoongi likes a boy and the whole internet knows about it. Which is cool. Very cool. Very normal. He loves having his innermost thoughts on display to two million people he doesn’t know. Loves that. 

But if Namjoon notices the comments or even looks at the second video after it’s posted—Table Talk: Eating As An Ethical Issue— he doesn’t mention it. In fact, they skip right past small talk and niceties and straight to texting in a way that is a little familiar for people who’ve seen each other a handful of times. Anyone reading them might think they’ve known each other for far longer than they have, but if Yoongi were being honest, it feels that way in real time, too.

Namjoon [9:03]

hyung
yoongi hyung i fucked up
sos
SOS!!!

Yoongi [9:14]

what
whats happening
are you ok??

Namjoon [9:16]

hyungnim
greatest chef alive
thank god ur here

Yoongi [9:16]

this feels bad.

Namjoon [9:17]

how do i save overcooked rice? 

Yoongi [9:18]

like, how overcooked?
whats the texture like?

Namjoon [9:18]

mushy and sad
like me :(

Yoongi [9:20]

yikes
add it to soup?
make rice pudding or porridge?
you’re not mushy
sorry you feel sad

Namjoon [9:20]

thanks
how do i make rice pudding?

Yoongi [9:21]

call me?
only if you want

Namjoon [9:22]

[INCOMING CALL]

*

Yoongi [7:45]

white and black or white and pink?

Namjoon [7:47]

white and pink

Yoongi [7:59]

good morning

Namjoon [8:02]

a cute hyung!!!
walking to the bus stop?

Yoongi [8:02]

yeah

Namjoon [8:03]

have a good day!!!

Yoongi [8:05]

cute

Namjoon [8:05]

🥰

*

Namjoon [11:15]

white chocolate, yes or no?
be honest

Yoongi [11:15]

no

Namjoon [11:16]

well
this was nice while it lasted

Yoongi [11:16]

it’s decent with coffee??

Namjoon [11:17]

hyung u think everythings decent with coffee
ive literally seen you eat coffee grounds on a dare

Yoongi [11:19]

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Namjoon [11:19]

ugh
thanks for ur offensively wrong opinion i guess

Yoongi [11:20]

wow i see how it is
money really doesnt buy taste, huh

Namjoon [11:21]

neither does a culinary degree apparently

*

Yoongi [7:35]

wanna see my dog?

Namjoon [7:54]

u have a dog??!

Yoongi [8:01]

Namjoon [8:03]

oh my god
hyung !!?!

Yoongi [8:04]

i know


my holly is an angel

Namjoon [8:04]

OH MY GOD ??!?!1/?

*****

“What the fuck,” Yoongi says bluntly when he’s taking out the trash and finds the film crew lingering on the sidewalk in front of his apartment building at 9:47am on a Saturday morning. 

“Well hello, Senior Food Editor Min Yoongi,” Jimin says with an oily smile, “you’re looking particularly stunning today.”

Yoongi looks down at himself. He’s wearing socks with sandals and cat pajamas. The cats are holding knives and giving everyone the middle finger. He’s pretty sure there’s a mustard stain on the collar. “Thanks,” he says slowly and does a double-take at the large blue van that’s idling at the curb. Jeongguk is in the driver’s seat while Taehyung hangs out the passenger side window, GoPro in hand. 

“Hey hyung,” Taehyung calls cheerfully, “cute outfit. Your outsides finally match your insides.”

“I don’t know what that means,” Yoongi tells him honestly.

“It means you look dumb,” comes Jeongguk’s faint reply.

Yoongi ignores him and heaves the garbage bag into the dumpster. It lands with a satisfying thunk. 

Taehyung still has the GoPro trained on him when Yoongi turns around. A thread of concern winds its way through the sleepy fog of his under-caffeinated brain.

“Are you...filming me?” Yoongi asks.

Jimin’s smile dims for a moment before returning full force. “Nooo?”

Yoongi glares.

“Okay, maybe,” Jimin amends, “but in my defense, this wasn’t— wait, hyung, ow, ow, okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! ”

Yoongi steps back and crosses his arms. “Apology accepted.”

“Boooo,” Taehyung heckles from the van, “keep going! He deserves it!”

Jimin rubs his left nipple in a disgruntled manner. “God, you’re vicious,” he grumbles, “Anyway. As I was saying, this wasn’t our idea, okay?”

“Yeah,” Taehyung agrees, “it wasn’t our idea, so please don’t kill us and leave our bodies in your dumpster.” 

“Don’t worry,” Yoongi says, “I’d never disrespect the dumpster like that. And if this wasn’t your dumbass idea, whose dumbass idea was it?”

“Do you really have to ask?” Jeongguk grumbles from the driver’s seat, “You know he takes mortal enemies seriously, hyung.”

Yoongi groans because no, he does not have to ask. “How much is he paying you?”

Jimin looks confused. “Um, he’s not? We’re legally obligated to do this.”

“What?” Yoongi frowns. “You’re— what?”

“It’s the Obedience Clause,” Taehyung chirps, “it’s in our contracts, hyung.”

“What.” Yoongi repeats, more flatly this time.

“Guys, come on!” Jeongguk calls out impatiently, “It’s a two hour drive.”

Jimin sighs. “He’s right. We can talk about it on the way there, hyung.”

“What the fuck?” Yoongi takes a quick step back. “Absolutely not. No way. Tell Jin he can fire me and shove my contract up his ass. I’m not going on a two hour drive to god knows where to do god knows what in my pajamas. I’m going to eat cold pizza for breakfast and go back to bed. Have a nice fucking day.”

Jimin smiles the kind of smile that makes Yoongi want to punch him in the throat. “Yeah, we thought you’d say that. No worries, hyung, we brought incentive. Jeonggukie, you can do the honors!”

Yoongi watches as Jeongguk exits the van and walks over to the passenger’s side. “Oh my god,” Yoongi says incredulously, “holy shit, did you kidnap someone?”

“Oh no, don’t worry,” Jimin assures him, “he was very willing.” 

Yoongi does not feel assured. Jeongguk manually slides the passenger door open and steps to the side, posing like a real life embodiment of that one Will Smith meme. Inside the van is a tall, blond figure in a t-shirt and a straw hat. Yoongi’s stomach drops. 

“Oh! Hey, hyung,” Namjoon says with a wave, hastily removing his airpods, “you’re doing this video, too?”

Yoongi looks at Jimin, speechless with horror.

“Well? Are you doing this video too, hyung?” Jimin asks sweetly.

“Yeah,” Yoongi croaks, turning back to Namjoon, “yeah, I’m coming with you.”

Jimin smiles. 

*****

“The weather’s so nice,” Namjoon gushes, looking admiringly at the blue sky peeking through the pine boughs. “Isn’t it beautiful, hyung? This is so fun!”

Yoongi swipes at his sweaty forehead. “Uh-huh,” he lies through his teeth, “fun.”

Namjoon beams at him and wanders ahead, long legs eating up the rocky trail in front of them. They’ve been hiking for an hour now, and Namjoon shows no sign of fatigue. It’s almost obscene how much he’s enjoying this, Yoongi thinks. No human alive should enjoy hiking this much, not when the cruel mistress of the sky is punishing all of South Korea with a 32 degree heat wave. 

Yoongi waits until Namjoon is too far ahead to hear him before he rounds on Jeongguk. “It’s hot as fuck and I’m sweating from places I didn’t know had sweat glands,” Yoongi growls, “please tell me we’re close to the campsite.”

“Uh, yeah. Sure,” Jeongguk says, “we’re pretty close.”

It doesn’t sound convincing. 

“Hyung! Hey, hyung! Come look at this!” Namjoon shouts, several yards down the path and crouched in front of a half-rotten log. Yoongi sighs. 

“Two won says it's a mushroom,” Jimin murmurs about three seconds before Namjoon shouts, “I found a really cool mushroom!”

Now, here’s the thing: Yoongi likes mushrooms. He also really likes Namjoon. In a different context, he’d probably really enjoy a combination of the two. Preferably steaming hot and slathered in garlic butter (the mushrooms, not Namjoon). But they are currently being watched by several cameras and six curious eyes and they’ve been walking for so long that Yoongi’s thighs are starting to feel like overcooked linguine. Yoongi is cranky and annoyed about the cameras and he had to listen to Jimin and Taehyung discuss in detail the benefits and drawbacks of ‘grapefruiting’ for a whole fifteen minutes before he summoned the will to— god forgive him— jog ahead and catch up to Jeongguk. So while he wouldn’t really categorize this whole trip as ‘fun’, he does think that in a different context it could have been. Like, if it were just him and Namjoon. Alone. Eating buttered mushrooms under the stars, or roasting s’mores, or whatever it is that people do while camping. 

“Hyung!” Namjoon calls again, and Yoongi pushes ahead of Jeongguk to see what Namjoon is looking at. 

“Look!” Namjoon’s voice is awed, “isn’t it neat?”

Yoongi looks. The mushroom in question is the color and texture of rancid milk. It looks like it’s bleeding. 

“Uh-huh,” Yoongi says in a dead voice, “very neat.”

“It’s a Devil’s Tooth mushroom,” Namjoon continues happily, “People didn’t think they grew in South Korea until, like, ten years ago. Oh, I know it looks like it’s bleeding but it’s not, I promise. Actually, the red juice stuff is an anticoagulant, can you believe that? I mean, I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t like, try to use it for medicinal purposes or anything, but it’s cool to know that nature even makes something like this. Do you think it could be used for...”

Yoongi listens to Namjoon ramble about the ugly bleeding mushroom like he’s going to be tested on it later. Yeah, maybe camping is not his ideal weekend activity, and sure, maybe he’d rather slam his head into a brick wall than climb a rocky trail for several sweaty hours, but the delight on Namjoon’s face when Yoongi had said yeah, I’m coming with you, made it all worth it. Sure, his back aches and the pebble in his shoe might be permanently embedded in his heel by now, but he can’t really bring himself to regret coming because he’d gotten to see Namjoon’s face light up about some dumb mushroom in the woods. 

Jimin thumps him on the back as the rest of the group passes. Yoongi glances up and scowls as Jimin manages to communicate you’re a fucking sap solely by way of his eyebrows. 

And what about it? Yoongi tries to communicate back.

When are you going to tell him? Jimin mouths, walking backwards.

Yoongi casts a nervous glance at the rapper. He needn’t have worried; Namjoon is too busy taking portrait shots of the mushrooms to notice the conversation that’s happening. 

“Hurry up, guys!” Jeongguk shouts from up ahead, “I can see the campsite from here!”

“Come on, Joon-ah,” Yoongi says, nudging the rapper’s shoulder, “let’s go.”

He should probably tell him. He should probably tell him sometime soon.

*****

The rest of the evening goes like this: Taehyung and Jeongguk start the fire while Jimin sets up the tents and Yoongi does prep work for dinner. The cameras are stationed at different intervals to catch all the action. (Yoongi’s grateful he convinced the triptych of terror to let him shower and change before getting in the van. The world doesn’t need to know what greasy hair and cat pajamas look like in HD.)

Namjoon helps Yoongi take stock of the wire racks and grill pans. Yoongi tries not to sound like an idiot while explaining to their audience how to cook over coals and create different temperature zones. By the time they’re done sorting through their cookware, prepping the ingredients, and helping Jimin with the tents, the fire has burned down enough for Yoongi and Namjoon to get started with dinner. 

“Hello everyone,” Yoongi says to the camera, “welcome to Back-to-Back Chef, camping edition. Before you ask, yes, I climbed a mountain, and yes, it was against my will. If you don’t hear from me in three days, call the police.”

“Don’t you think that’s a little dramatic, hyung?” Taehyung asks from somewhere behind him. 

Yoongi looks deadpan at the camera. “No. We’re gonna make steak and vegetables before the sun goes down, and if we aren't brutally murdered by nightfall, we might even make s’mores. Namjoon-ah, pick up the tongs.”

Dinner is easy; Yoongi’s directions are simple and easy to understand and Namjoon seems more at ease with the simplicity of campfire cooking than he was in a professional kitchen. Namjoon still manages to knock his zucchini into the coals and chop his onions like he’s been sent to assassinate them, but his steak is perfect. Maybe even better than Yoongi’s, which is saying something. By the time the sun is gone, they’ve made a flawless video and a delicious dinner. They trade meals, serve the others, and eat.

There’s a warm glow in Yoongi’s chest as he takes a bite of Namjoon’s steak. 

“Is it good?” Namjoon asks them anxiously, “I know it’s not, like, Yoongi hyung’s level, and I think I didn’t let it sit for long enough after—”

“I’ve paid for worse,” Jimin tells Namjoon, nudging him with his shoulder, “you should cook more often, hyung.” 

“Yeah,” Jeongguk choruses loyally, “I could eat this every day.”

“You literally live off of instant noodles,” Namjoon says suspiciously, “that’s not a high bar.”

Yoongi nudges Namjoon with his shoulder, letting their knees knock together. “It’s good, Joon-ah,” Yoongi tells him sincerely, “I told you it’d be good.” 

Namjoon beams and looks down shyly. “Ah, thanks hyung.” 

“Mm.” Yoongi uses his yawn as an excuse to sway further into Namjoon and the clean, crisp smell of him. Funny, how nice he still smells after hours of hiking and cooking in front of a smoky fire. It’s colder now that the sun has gone down. Yoongi tucks his hands under his butt just as Namjoon leans back and presses their thighs together. Yoongi has to physically restrain himself from curling into the warmth of him. 

The film crew have started gathering the dirty dishes. Their playful banter, the crackling of the fire, and the cool evening breeze are just background noise. He’s focusing on the sound of Namjoon’s breathing, on the heat of him tucked close and warm. Yoongi finds his thoughts drifting. Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but there’s something more about the way Namjoon has been looking at him today. Something bold.  

“Hyung,” Namjoon says quietly, “can we go to bed soon?”

“Oh, sure,” Yoongi says, startled out of his thoughts, “you tired, Joon-ah?”

Namjoon picks at the edge of his knit sweater. “Yeah. And there’s just...something I want to tell you.”

Yoongi whips around to look at him. “Oh my god,” he says, “Kim Namjoon, if you picked out a shelter dog and didn’t send me detailed photographic evidence—”

“It’s not a dog,” Namjoon huffs, “hyung, when I get a dog I’m bringing you with me, remember? You literally made me pinky swear.”

“Good,” Yoongi says smugly, “I’m a dog whisperer, you know.”

Namjoon rolls his eyes, but doesn’t answer. Yoongi’s gaze drifts over his face; the stubborn set of his jaw, the curve of his nose, the dark smudge of lashes against his cheeks. He feels so, so fond.

“Come on, Kim Namjoon,” Yoongi murmurs, “let’s sleep.”

It’s colder away from the fire. Yoongi crawls into the tent and finds their sleeping bags already rolled out, their belongings neatly separated. He vaguely remembers Namjoon taking his backpack from him earlier that evening, remembers Namjoon saying I’ll do it, hyung. There’s a fleece blanket tucked at the bottom of the bag; he tugs it out while Namjoon struggles to arrange his limbs so that they don’t hit anything in the small space. Yoongi shakes out the blanket and spreads it across both of their sleeping bags. He can hear Namjoon toe off his boots and put them outside their tent. Outside, a whole symphony of cicadas are chirping. He can’t hear the white noise of the film crew talking by the fire anymore. They’ve probably gone to bed as well.

Twigs crack somewhere off in the distance.

Yoongi suddenly wonders how a flimsy tent is supposed to protect them from anything with sharp claws and the god-given rage of a predator at the top of the food chain.

“So, uh...just curious, but do you think there are bears?” Yoongi asks, aiming for casual and just barely missing. He starts unlacing his own boots.

“Probably,” Namjoon answers.

“We didn’t leave any food out, did we?”

“Jeonggukie took care of it.”

“And the dirty plates?”

“They washed them, hyung. Sorry if my feet smell.”

“That is literally the least of my concerns,” Yoongi replies. He practically throws his boots outside of the tent and hastily zips up the entrance before diving into his sleeping bag.

Namjoon huffs a laugh. “Hyung,” he says, “bears make a lot of noise, right? We’ll hear one coming before it even reaches us.”

“I don’t want to hear one,” Yoongi grumbles, burrowing further beneath the blanket, “I want to die instantly. In my sleep and with no warning.”

“Do bears kill that quickly?” Namjoon muses, “Claws and teeth are probably a messy way to—”

“Namjoon,” Yoongi groans.

“Sorry,” Namjoon says, not sounding very sorry at all, “If you survive until tomorrow, I brought a surprise for you.”

Yoongi rolls onto his side and squints at Namjoon over the top of the sleeping bag. “A...surprise?” he repeats. “For me?” He can’t make out the details of Namjoon’s face in the darkness, but his intuition isn’t clanging pots and pans together in warning, so he figures whatever the surprise is can’t be that bad. 

“Mhm.” Namjoon sounds...satisfied. And, boy, if that isn’t doing delightful and terrible things to Yoongi’s brain right now. “I brought a pour over set. You’ll have coffee tomorrow morning if we still have hands.”

Yoongi’s jaw drops. “You brought a pour over set? But you drink tea in the morning.”

“I brought tea bags, too,” Namjoon adds, “and I mean, it’s nothing fancy. It’s not, um, an Americano or anything, but I figured—”

“Kim Namjoon,” Yoongi says reverently, “you are a god among men.”

“—even if it’s not espresso and— oh. Really?”

“Really,” Yoongi confirms, “I could marry you right now.”

“But hyung,” Yoongi can practically hear Namjoon’s grin. “You haven’t even met my parents.”

Yoongi yawns and hugs his pillow. “Where are they, Ilsan? We’ll visit tomorrow.” 

“You’ll have to buy me a ring,” Namjoon points out. 

“The prettiest ring,” Yoongi mumbles against the pillow, “lots of diamonds.”

“I don’t want lots of diamonds,” Namjoon says, “I just want—”

There’s a stuttered intake of breath, like Namjoon had to shove down whatever was about to come out. Yoongi yawns again and nuzzles further into his pillow.

“Hey.” Namjoon’s voice is low in the quiet of their tent. “Hyung.”

“Mmm?” 

“I’m releasing a new mixtape.”

Yoongi’s eyes fly open. He sits up so suddenly it makes his head fuzzy for a few moments. “What?” he demands, “A new mixtape? When?”

“Next week,” Namjoon admits.

“Next week?” Yoongi nearly shouts, “but that’s— but you’re here! Shouldn’t you be—” Namjoon’s hand fumbles its way into his and squeezes. Yoongi stops talking.

“Hyung,” Namjoon mumbles, “hyung, I’m nervous. I’m really nervous about it.”

“Ah,” Yoongi says, slumping back into his sleeping bag, “so that’s it.” He tangles their fingers together. Namjoon tightens his grip. Yoongi really wishes he could see Namjoon’s face.

“Kim Namjoon. Joon-ah.”

“Hmm?”

“You know why I started listening to your music?”

Namjoon shifts imperceptibly in the darkness. He clears his throat. “No.”

“It was years ago. I was up late. Couldn’t sleep. I didn’t sleep a lot back then. Still have trouble with it sometimes.”

“I didn’t know that,” Namjoon says softly.

“Well, now you do,” Yoongi continues stubbornly, “but that’s not the point. The point is...I found you on SoundCloud. You’d just broken into the underground circuit and I thought god, this kid looks young. And I just happened to click on Reflection. You released it a few years ago, remember?”

Namjoon makes a small sound, a vulnerable sound, low in his throat.

Yoongi sucks in a deep breath. “It was, like, four o’ clock in the morning and I expected you to suck, you know? But you didn’t. You really didn’t. It was four o’ clock in the morning and I was crying over that goddamn song and I just kept listening to it over and over again. And I— it really helped. You helped, Joon-ah. I slept after that.” 

“I’m glad,” Namjoon whispers, “hyung, I’m really glad.”

Yoongi gives Namjoon’s hand another tight squeeze of acknowledgement. “Reflection is an honest song. It’s authentic, you know? And I could tell, even back then. Your fans can tell. Your music is all you, Kim Namjoon, and that’s...that’s its own kind of magic.” Yoongi clears his throat. “Anyway, you don’t need to be nervous. I mean, feel your feelings, but like...you’re good, you know?”

“I...I guess.” Namjoon says shakily. He sniffs. 

“Oh fuck, did I make you cry?” Yoongi says, panicked, “I’m sorry, hyung’s sorry, Joon-ah. I didn’t—”  

“No, no.” Namjoon chokes out, “I mean, yeah, but in a really validating way.”

Yoongi tugs on the warm hand gripping his. “Joon-ah, come here.” He shakes his hand free and runs his palm up to Namjoon’s elbow. “Come closer.” 

Namjoon shuffles closer obediently and then seems to hesitate.

“What?” Yoongi asks stupidly, “tell hyung what’s wrong.”

“Hyung.” Namjoon’s voice wobbles. “Hyung, can I—?” 

“Anything,” Yoongi tells him, and means it with every fiber of his being, “Anything you want, Namjoon-ah.”

The rapper makes a wounded sound and practically dives into Yoongi’s chest. Yoongi feels Namjoon’s fingers tangle in the fabric of his shirt, feels something warm and wet slide down his neck when Namjoon presses his face to the curve of Yoongi’s throat. Namjoon’s hair smells like apple blossom and campfire smoke and Yoongi wants him this close always with a desire so strong it physically hurts. 

“Thanks,” Namjoon whispers. Yoongi wonders if he can feel Yoongi’s heart pounding beneath his lips. 

“You’re good,” Yoongi says quietly. He wraps an arm around Namjoon’s shoulders and pulls him closer. “You’re good, Joon-ah.” 

“Yeah,” Namjoon murmurs, “I’m good.” 

*****

Yoongi wakes up to Namjoon’s warm body sprawled next to his, the sound of his breathing close and quiet. Namjoon’s face is squished against his pillow. He’s wearing yesterday’s clothes and he probably has morning breath, but Yoongi looks at him and all he can think about is moving closer, twining their legs together, and kissing Namjoon awake. Somehow Yoongi knows that Namjoon would be adorably sweet and rumpled in the early morning. More so than he usually is, anyway. Sweet and sleepy and beautiful. His lips look so soft. For a brief moment, Yoongi wonders if this is what Hoseok feels when he wakes up next to Seokjin. If this is what Taehyung thinks when Jimin and Jeongguk stay the night. 

Yoongi never really considered himself to be good at typical romance. He doesn’t like PDA and he doesn’t do big gestures. He loves quietly. And maybe it’s not enough, maybe Namjoon wants more than a quiet love, but Yoongi is going to tell Namjoon anyway. Even if all Namjoon will ever want is friendship, Yoongi wants Namjoon to know how easy he is to love. He thinks Namjoon deserves to know that truth.

*****

Jimin>>>Bone App The Teeth

Jimin [1:02]

you will never fucking guess what im looking at rn

Seokjin [1:02]

christian mingle

Taehyung [1:03]

n00ds

Hoseok [1:03]

rescue kittens!! ;;

Seokjin [1:03]

hentai

Jimin [1:03]

Taehyung [1:04]

Hoseok [1:04]

DRAG HIM

Jeongguk [1:04]

u guys know hes in this gc right?

Jimin [1:05]

he is having a BREAKDOWN !!!
in the BREAK ROOM !!!
and can we guess why???

Seokjin [1:05]

namjoon-ah

Taehyung [1:05]

namjoon hung’s mixtape??

Hoseok [1:05]

definitely joonie

Jimin [1:05]

WHOSE MANS IS THIS
WHOSE MANS I SAY

Jeongguk [1:06]

.

Hoseok [1:06]

WHO’S GONNA TELL YOONGI HIS FREE TRIAL OF LIFE HAS EXPIRED

Taehyung [1:06]

namjoon: *wears a choker on his album cover*
yoongi: sure hope this doesnt awaken anything in me

Hoseok [1:06]

too late for that, bud

Jeongguk [1:06]

i am looking,,,,respectfully 👁👄👁

Seokjin [1:06]

excuSE me??
namjoon?????

Jimin [1:06]

NAMJOONS OUT HERE LOOKING LIKE A WHOLE BUFFET AND THEY HAVEN’T EVEN SMOOCHED YET!!!!
CAN U BELIEVE???????

Jeongguk [1:07]

wait really
how do u know that

Seokjin [1:07]

disappointed
but not surprised

Taehyung [1:08]

what did i buy that extra tent for then >:(

Yoongi is typing…

Hoseok [1:08]

oh no

Jeongguk [1:08]

told u

Jimin [1:08]

haha fuck :))))

Yoongi [1:08]

Hello everyone.
I see you’ve been busy in my absence.

Seokjin [1:09]

...busy talking about how great u r!!!!

Yoongi [1:09]

As Test Kitchen King, it’s my duty to inform you of the category I’ve chosen for this month’s Drunk Trivia.

Seokjin [1:09]

PLS tell me it’s superhero comics!!!

Yoongi [1:09]

This month’s category is a new one.

Taehyung [1:09]

gulp

Yoongi [1:09]

It’s called “Serial Killers: Cool Motive, Still Murder”.
You’ll never guess who features in it!

Hoseok [1:10]

Hyung...pls… ;;

Yoongi [1:10]

You have 1 week to study.
Who knows? Maybe you’ll even get some practical experience!

Jeongguk [1:10]

guys i think hes threatening to kill us

Yoongi [1:10]

Good luck!!

*****

Yoongi [1:03]

hey, Kim Namjoon.

Namjoon [1:04]

yes, Min Yoongi?

Yoongi [1:04]

you worked really hard
mono. is your best one yet 

Namjoon [1:05]

!!!!! 🦀 ✨ 🦀 ✨

Namjoon [1:06]

ah, hyung…

Yoongi [1:06]

hmm?

Namjoon [1:07]

nothing
just thank you
💜

Yoongi [1:07]

you’re welcome
💜

*****

Yoongi walks into the Test Kitchen at 8pm and immediately has two realizations:

1. The Test Kitchen looks like it’s been overtaken by the vengeful spirit of a discount Halloween store.
2. He did not bring nearly enough tequila.

Taehyung, who is holding a fistful of black balloons, spots Yoongi first. “Wow, you’re here early,” he says.

“Spite is an incredible motivator,” Yoongi replies.

“Yikes,” Taehyung says, and goes back to blowing up balloons. Yoongi looks around. Jimin is busy mixing an unholy concoction of several different types of rum, fruit juice, and what looks like edible glitter. Hoseok and Seokjin are standing in front of the stoves, chatting about something inane while they make appetizers. Jeongguk is hunched over in the corner, gluing fake jewels to a cardboard Burger King crown with the laser focus of a bomb disposal squad. Yoongi dutifully does his part and places the folder of trivia card printouts on one of the stations, along with a handful of pens and prizes. He then goes to the break room and proceeds to crab walk an armchair into the kitchen area, where, of course, he runs into Kim Namjoon.

Surely, Yoongi thinks, there should come a time where he’s no longer surprised to be the target of Seokjin’s scheming. Surely there should come a time where he just expects that his friends are going to invite the people he’s crushing on to his place of work. Surely he should know better by now.

Apparently he doesn’t, though, because the sight of Kim Namjoon standing in the Test Kitchen in his monochrome beige ensemble still knocks the breath out of him. Who does he think he is, waltzing into the Test Kitchen in all beige and actually looking good in it? If Yoongi were wearing that outfit, he’d look like he was cosplaying a stack of hay. Namjoon, on the other hand, looks like some sort of benevolent desert god who decided to walk among mankind and is currently confused by Yoongi’s Serial Killer Documentaries and Chill t-shirt. 

“Uh, hello,” Yoongi says, very intelligently, “What are you doing here?”

“Hey hyung! Seokjin hyung invited me last minute,” Namjoon replies, “I hope that’s okay.”

“Namjoon-ah!” Seokjin shouts joyfully across the kitchen, “you made it!”

“I can go,” Namjoon says quickly, “Um, I just have to—”

“Don’t go!” Jimin shouts, “You can be on my team!”

“There are no teams in drunk trivia,” Hoseok reminds him. 

“It’s fine,” Yoongi tells Namjoon, “Just, uh, maybe don’t judge me too harshly for, um...”

“Oh, being interested in serial killers and unsolved crimes? Namjoon blinks. “Yeah, I knew about that.”

Yoongi’s jaw drops. “How?”

“Your Netflix recommendations are…”

“Fucked up?” Hoseok cheerfully suggests. 

Jeongguk looks up. “Wait, hyung gave you his Netflix login?”

“It’s not the weirdest thing I know about you,” Namjoon assures Yoongi, “if that makes you feel better.”

“Holy shit,” Seokjin says, “did he tell you about the Ripstick Incident of Halloween ‘18?”

“It doesn’t,” Yoongi informs Namjoon while ignoring everyone else, “but if you want to make me feel better, you can carry my throne for me.” Namjoon obediently moves the armchair to the front of the kitchen. Jeongguk accosts him a second later, simultaneously showing off his Burger King crown and grilling Namjoon about Yoongi’s Netflix password. Joke’s on him, though. Yoongi’s Netflix password is 32 characters long and 29 of them are special characters. 

Jimin takes the opportunity to drag Yoongi towards the glittery abomination he’s put in the punch bowl. Yoongi peers into the solo cup Jimin hands him. He swears it burns his nose hairs. “It smells like death,” he says bluntly.

Jimin looks proud. “It’s punch,” he says.

Yoongi takes a sip and fights to keep his face from screwing up. “Are you sure? What did you put in it?” he croaks.

“Like, besides the rum?” Jimin asks, “Uh, glitter and Everclear. Oh, and pineapple juice.”

“Fuck me,” Yoongi says and takes another sip. It goes down a little easier than the first. He feels like it’s growing on him. His toes are feeling a little warm.

“No thanks,” Jimin says, “but Namjoon hyung might. If he’s into that sort of thing.”

“Jesus fucking Chr—”

“Guys, food’s ready!” Hoseok shouts as he and Seokjin move the food to one of the stations. “Yoongi, put on your crown! Let’s get started!”

Jimin eagerly hands everyone a cup of punch and the evening devolves spectacularly from there.

Despite Hoseok’s earlier declaration that drunk trivia was not, in fact, a team sport, he and Seokjin are sitting so close by the last few questions that it may as well be. And sitting, Yoongi thinks, is a generous description for what Hoseok is doing in Seokjin’s lap, red-faced and giggling from one cup of punch. If Yoongi leans the right way, he can see that Seokjin’s trivia card is covered in drawings instead of words. It’s like interpretive dance, Yoongi-yah, Seokjin says through his squeaky laugh, my answers are there, but you have to find them. Jimin and Taehyung had stopped filling out their cards halfway through and were instead on the floor, scrolling through photos of cats at the local shelter and openly weeping. Jeongguk has been making sure they drink enough water and casting disgustingly fond glances their way when he isn’t answering Yoongi’s trivia questions like they’re his college entrance exam. As for Yoongi, he’s just glad that all he has to do is read out the questions and decide on a winner, because he’s starting to have a hard time with things like depth perception and also preventing himself from telling Namjoon that he wants to kiss him. Like, a lot.  

Namjoon seems to be the only person who abstains from the punch, and it shows. He takes a single sip at the start of the game, closes his eyes like a man who just took a hit to the groin, and doesn’t touch his cup for the rest of the game. It’s a wise decision, Yoongi thinks, and just one more thing to add to his embarrassingly long mental list of Things I Like About Kim Namjoon (SFW Version). That, and how proud Namjoon looks when he hands Yoongi his trivia card with every question answered. It’s cute. Namjoon’s cute. Yoongi is almost sickened by how cute he is.

When it comes time to declare a winner, the choice is startlingly easy to make. The buzz is fading from Yoongi’s system and he’s too tired to care about things like actually reading the trivia cards, and it’s clear from the start that Hoseok, Taehyung, and Jimin are out of the running. A few of Jeongguk’s trivia questions have been left blank, and Yoongi refuses to give Seokjin any sort of award just on principle.

“Okay, listen up, all of you. As current King of the Test Kitchen I— Jimin put the goddamn camera down, or I’m gonna to tell Hoseok about the time I found you and Jeongguk in the walk-in, butt-ass naked.”

Hoseok sleepily lifts his head off of Seokjin’s shoulder. “He was what? In the walk-in?!”

Jimin sheepishly lowers the camera. Jeongguk suddenly finds the ceiling stains incredibly interesting. Taehyung is lying face down on the floor between them, head pillowed on his arms. He may or may not be conscious. Yoongi isn’t that worried. He’s seen Taehyung bounce back from worse.

“Fucking thank you,” Yoongi says with great dignity. The Burger King crown slips over his eyes for a second. He pushes it back up. “Anyway, as Test Kitchen King, I declare that the winner of drunk trivia night is…”

Jimin starts a drumroll on Taehyung’s butt.

“...Kim Namjoon.” Yoongi takes off his crown and plops it unceremoniously onto Namjoon’s head. 

Chaos breaks out.

“What?! No way!” Jeongguk shouts, “Namjoon doesn’t even work here!” 

“They teamed up against us!” Taehyung bellows, “This is cheating!”

“Yoongi-yah, this is a blatant display of bias!” Seokjin protests.

“There is literally no possible way we could have cheated!” Namjoon protests, “We were sitting right here the whole time!”

“Or were you?” Taehyung squints at them.

Yoongi rolls his eyes.

“There’s a code of ethics here, Yoongichi!” Seokjin continues, “You can’t just give the crown to people you want to ki—”

“I swear to god, if you finish that sentence,” Yoongi hisses, “I’m going to jam every fax machine in this goddamn building.”

Seokjin narrows his eyes. “You wouldn’t.”

“Try me,” Yoongi volleys. 

“Wait, um,” Namjoon says, “you can’t just give the crown to who?”

Seokjin looks at Yoongi.

Yoongi looks at Namjoon. 

Everyone else looks at them, too. The Test Kitchen is quiet for a long moment.

“Hey!” Jimin says a little too loudly, “Who wants to see Yoongi’s Halloween ‘18 photos?”

The Test Kitchen explodes into noise once more as Yoongi’s soon-to-be-ex friends swarm Jimin’s phone. Namjoon scoots closer to Yoongi’s side to avoid being run over by Jeongguk and Taehyung.

“I knew it,” Yoongi growls, “I knew he still had those photos!” 

Jimin gives Yoongi a significant look through the throng. 

“...hey. Joon-ah.” Yoongi shoves his hands into his pockets. “Can we talk?”

“Huh?” Namjoon tears his gaze away from Jimin’s phone. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, we can talk.”

 Yoongi leads him into the break room and shuts the door. He doesn’t think he’s imagining the nervous look on Namjoon’s face. 

“Okay.” Yoongi leans against the break room door. “Kim Namjoon.”

“Min Yoongi,” Namjoon says automatically. 

God, why did he have to be so cute right now? It made things that much harder. Yoongi clears his throat. “There’s something I want to tell you and I need you to just listen, okay?”

Namjoon’s brows furrow. “Okay,” he says. 

Yoongi swallows and tilts his head back against the door. He’s really doing this, isn’t he? He’s going to confess to Namjoon in front of god and everyone in the break room of his workplace. Truly, no one was doing it like him. 

“Hyung?” Namjoon’s voice is soft. Uncertain. “You okay?”  

“Yeah,” Yoongi says shakily, “yeah, I just...listen, Joon-ah. I like you.”

Yoongi hears Namjoon’s sharp intake of breath. He closes his eyes. 

“I like you a lot. I’ve liked you a lot for a while now, if I’m being honest. And I’m not...I want you to know that I don’t expect anything from you. I would never expect anything from you. I want you to be happy. And if knowing how I feel makes you uncomfortable and you want to stop, um, texting or being in videos...I get it. Really. But in the interest of honesty I just thought you should—”

“Yoongi,” Namjoon breathes, “Yoongi hyung.” 

Namjoon’s eyes are wide and a lot dazed and his beautiful cheeks are flushed. Yoongi feels his heart stutter for a moment. “I— yeah?”

“I like you, too.” Namjoon’s lips curve into a familiar, blinding smile. “Hyung, I like you so much.” 

“What?” Yoongi says, “Wait, what?”

Namjoon pushes himself off the couch and takes Yoongi’s hands in his. “I like you,” he repeats with a small laugh, “Yoongi hyung.”

“You do?” Yoongi clears his throat. “You, uh...really?”

“Are you joking?” Namjoon’s hands are so warm. “Hyung, I’ve liked you since the first time we met.”

Yoongi feels a little unsteady, too. “Oh my god, okay,” he says weakly, “okay.”

“Okay,” Namjoon echoes, crowding further into Yoongi’s space. “Hyung, I—”

“Can I kiss you?” Yoongi interrupts, “Can hyung—”

“God, yes,” Namjoon says eagerly, and leans forward. 

There’s something hungry about the way Namjoon chases his mouth, about the way he opens up to it, like this is something he’s thought about. Something he’s been waiting for. Namjoon’s lips are just as soft as they look, and kissing him is warm and wet and perfect. God, he wants to do it forever. Yoongi bites Namjoon’s lower lip a little harder than he needs to, just to hear the small, shocked noise he makes. Yoongi hums at the sound, low and pleased, and moves to kiss Namjoon’s dimples, one cheek after another. 

Namjoon tilts his head to allow Yoongi to scatter light kisses along his jaw. “Ah!— hyung!” 

Yoongi smiles a little, lips curving against Namjoon’s neck. He presses one last soft kiss to the sensitive spot beneath Namjoon’s ear and pulls away.

They’d only been kissing for a few minutes at most, but Namjoon looks a little dazed, a little spaced out. His lips are red and his breathing is ragged and Yoongi really wants to find out what he looks like pressed against Yoongi’s sheets, but now is not the time. 

“Hyung?” Even Namjoon’s voice sounds a little wrecked. Something in Yoongi purrs with pride to hear it. 

“Hey. We should probably go back out there before they send a search party.” Yoongi smiles up at the rapper. “Wanna find out what really happened on Halloween ‘18?”

Namjoon’s eyes crinkle as he grins. “Yeah. I really do.” 

“Let’s go then.” Yoongi tugs the door open. 

Pandemonium erupts. 

*