Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The moment I first saw you
With short hair and a pretty school uniform
I only remember that image
You can’t go anywhere
You have to only look at me too
-BTS, Outro: Propose

THE PRESENT

Isn't it weird that all of our perception of the world and a person, is only based on memories? What if throughout life, we never really know a person because of our clouded judgment?

Human beings are sure strange. The very ability that leads us to build a higher civilisation and soon to colonise the space is also the very trait that destruct them: the ability to makes sense of time in terms of past and future. Seokjin wants to only live in the moment so desperately, but that defies the essence of being human.

Seokjin tries to take a deep breath.

Inhale, exhale.

Inhale, exhale.

Inhale, exhale.

It doesn’t work. Even the sound of his heavy breathing irritates him. He doesn’t have any choice except to open a bottle of sherry that he labelled as an emergency kit. He pours the drink slowly, fixing his gaze at the translucent liquor, as the opaque memories come back to his mind.

Is it strange if Seokjin loves the memory of us more than us? No, strange is not the right word. Is it possible to love the memory more than the person?

If Seokjin keeps him on his memory until now, us will forever be perfect to him. A perfect relationship is the one that happened inside the universe of our mind. However, if he continues to march towards the unknown, they might change, the circumstances might change, and he doesn’t want to ruin good memories with bad memories.

Seokjin, an extremely calculated man, is in a risk of losing the most important person in his life if he decided to be a coward. Whatever the outcome will be, Seokjin needs to gather his thoughts quickly.

As quick as his heart races, Jungkook slams the door and blasts music in his room until it submerges all the looping noises in his head. He then ran to grab a pillow and screamed behind it.

Do we have a future together?

What kind of question is that? Jungkook sits down at the edge of his bed and scratches his arm so hard to ease the pain. He pinches his skin harder each time the hand of the clocks tick. He remembers the story about how memories will greet a person the moment the soul leaves the body. Years that can be summarizes into seconds as if the dash between the years doesn’t matter. He feels like dying tonight.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Jungkook’s mind slips for a bit. He stands up and rummages through his drawers to find his resistance band.

It’s there. Jungkook takes it and moves to the sofa that makes him even more anxious.

He looks at the clocks and thinks, is time even real? If it is, how can years of memories collide in one moment and collapse at the same time?

He looks at the strained resistance band on his hand and ponders, how can a moment seem stretched and another shortened?

Everything that he sees reminds him of how miserable he is tonight, so he just stops and curls off on his bed.

I love you and goodbye shouldn’t be said one after another, don't you agree? Jungkook believes so because the worse tragedy than unrequited love is two people who love each other but then decide not to be together for every foolish reason possible. Well, maybe going against the world isn't so foolish, but isn't it still worth to try it at least?

The moon looks so lonely, and the Earth looks so shattered. Even the spell of the moonlight can’t brighten them up.

One already finishes half of the bottle; one hides under the blanket while scrolling through old photos.

Both stay awake until the sun blinds them.

When two people reminisce the same memories at the same time, how could the outcome be so subjectively different? Can they trust the memories?

---

JUNE 2011

Seokjin wasn’t good at remembering things. Rather than remembering details, he focused on the feelings. He didn’t remember what clothes he wears, why did the dog bite him, or who he was with, but he remembered that he’s totally embarrassed when he lost a fight with a dog when he was a child. Also filed under the embarrassing moment is when he got four for a science quiz—one of the most memorable memories from his middle school days.

That being said, his ordinary first meeting with Jungkook was inexplicably memorable. Even though all the other details were blurred, Jungkook was there.

Jungkook stood still in the middle a foggy landscape that Seokjin’s already forgot. He's walking with his school uniform, and his round doe eyes were scanning the room carefully. He instantly felt drawn towards him because he reminded him of his old self. Scared, confused, and lost between the chatters. A sight that will be replayed on his memory every now and then.

When the meeting started, the kid chose to sit on the corner. Ah, right, it's getting clearer. It's a meeting between hoobae and sunbae idols in his company.

Every time Jungkook moved and did something, the fogs were lifted bit by bit, introducing more colours and depth in the vision. Funny, as if he was the centre of the universe in Seokjin’s memory although he didn’t have any feeling to associate with at that time.

Seokjin stared at the boy until suddenly the people around him began to stand up and leave, so the meeting must be finished by then.

Usually, a meeting like that was followed by a free time when the trainees could mingle. Not long after, people started to come and go in his line of vision, but Seokjin didn't move his eyes to see Jungkook straightened his pants and stood up to get a drink. His big bag was ready, so he probably decided to leave afterwards. Without knowing, Seokjin's vision began to drew increasingly near to him.

Seokjin brushed the boy's shoulder, asking, “Hello, are you new here?” He instantly felt bad because Jungkook was startled and almost choked on his drink. The boy's cute, Seokjin thought. Even more with his innocent look.

To ease the tension, Seokjin extended his hand towards Jungkook and said, “I’m Kim Seokjin.”

Jungkook wiped his hand on his pants then smiled. He replied, “I’m Jeon Jungkook, 15, from Busan.” He shook Seokjin’s hand nervously and stuttered a bit, “I … I’ve only been here for two days. Please take care of me.” His voice implied that this was his default greeting mode. He must’ve had said it many times these past days.

Seokjin cued Jungkook to walk with him to the corner of the room because it was hard to hear a lot of people talking at once. Seokjin gave him the most welcoming smile, hoping that Jungkook will be more relaxed while talking to him who's also a new trainee in the company. “Welcome to Seoul, Jungkook! I’m 20, so I’m your hyung then,” said him.

Seokjin didn’t know which part of what he said was wrong, but Jungkook just froze. He assumed it's because of his age. Understandable, because it's uncommon for trainees to start at 20. Just look at how young the people around him were. Maybe Jungkook preferred to be in the company of others whose age weren't so different to him.

After zoning out for a while, Jungkook bowed and thanked Seokjin for his hospitality. They briefly talked about how Jungkook passed the audition and arrived at Big Hit. However, Jungkook cut the conversation short after he excused himself to go to the bathroom.

As Jungkook went away, so did Seokjin’s memory. If people asked him what did he do after that first meeting with Jungkook, he wouldn’t know. He had no clue.

Meanwhile, Jungkook opened the bathroom door and greeted the serene emptiness. Finally, he was in his safe place.

He looked at himself in front of the bathroom mirror and washed his excessively sweaty palms. Calm down, Jeon Jungkook. It’s just your second day as an official trainee; you’d get used to it in no time. He wanted to speak more with the hunnam that he just met before, but he didn’t know what to do. Even with his warmth, the man had such a striking presence, and it’s intimidating.

Seokjin's that cool university student that he coincidentally saw while he's walking with the casting manager. Even then, Seokjin's presence mesmerised the casting manager to the point that she ran away to offer him to join the company. So, why did Seokjin approach a shy kid from Busan out of all the bright people in the studio?

He gazed at his reflection on the mirror and compared it with all the people in the room.

In his hometown, everyone dressed more casually. It’s not that the people in Busan aren’t good looking, but here, the people know how to look good and actually put much effort. He's embarrassed because he didn’t even change his school uniform and chose to hide behind his bangs.

Apparently, what made Busan and Seoul so different was not the distance from the shore, but the people.

And Jungkook was afraid of people.

He braced himself to go outside the bathroom with one question looped on his mind, will he ever belong in Seoul that’s full of beautiful people like Kim Seokjin?

---

JANUARY 2012

After six months of knowing him, Seokjin noticed that Jungkook didn’t speak much and he preferred to do most of the things alone. He didn’t mind it because he appreciates people being different. If Jungkook were more comfortable with his silence, like Yoongi, then he would let him be. For him, introversion isn’t a bad trait that should be overcome.

It was that night at the dorm when he realised that maybe Jungkook was different than Yoongi.

Jungkook thought that being a trainee will be a dream comes true, but after six months, he’s still having a hard time. He didn’t mind with the harsh vocal and dance training because he enjoyed the time when he’s being absorbed into his work and forget his anxiety. His motto was the busier he was, the better he felt. Less time to think about himself, more time to think about his ability to get the job done to near perfection.

It's known that the entertainment industry and the world, in general, is built for the extrovert. No wonder that the loss of personal space and constant interaction with people made Jungkook tired more than anything else, including the crazy dancing lesson. Besides, in the group that was assigned to him, he didn’t have a same-age friend that made him a bit more awkward.

Several times he considered how much longer he could do it. On his head, he’s already making excuses and apologies to say if he ever gave up. He’s on his fifth versions and probably would make the sixth in case the others don’t work well. It's not too late to go back to Busan and kept his passion as a mere hobby.

As expected, dorm life was harder than studio life. Jungkook sometimes stayed at the studio until late to avoid more extensive interaction. When some members don’t care about taking a shower together because of their packed schedule and the circumstance of having one shared bathroom for seven people, he often took a bath after the other member’s fall asleep, which means after midnight.

It’s 2 AM now. He scanned the room and checked for any sign of sound and movement. Is it time? Did they sleep yet? He stood up, sat, stood up, sat until he's sure that everyone was sleeping. Quietly, he reached for his towel and slowly tiptoed to the bathroom without waking up anyone else.

He didn’t know that one of them pretended to be asleep: Seokjin.

Usually, Seokjin went back home after hours of practice. Before the schedule became packed, he decided to spend more time with his family. Honestly, he wasn’t a fan of cramped together in a tight space too. He figured that if he often stayed at home and only came back to the dorm to bring a weekly supply of homemade meal, it would give the members more space—a win-win.

But that night, he was too tired, so he wanted to try sleeping at the dorm. While he’s curling half-asleep in his bed, he noticed a strange sight.

Jungkook wasn’t like Yoongi, he concluded. Both of them were quiet, but Yoongi was indifferent, while Jungkook cared too much. Yoongi didn’t speak much, but Jungkook were scared to speak up.

A tiny voice lingered on his ear, luring him to help Jungkook.

---

It’s certainly not easy to approach Jungkook, but Seokjin knew that behind the nervousness, he’s a sweet boy. It’s not that that the other members neglected Jungkook either, not at all. In fact, Jimin, the friendliest person in Seoul according to Jungkook, also tried hard to make him comfortable.

However, Jimin used the same trick that he used to approach Taehyung and Hoseok that could be too intense for Jungkook. Jungkook wanted to befriend Jimin, but the intensity sometimes scared him. It’s like biting more than you can chew. On the other hand, Seokjin's approach was subtle and soft.

Jungkook didn’t realize that Seokjin was an introvert too because he had a considerable social skill, especially with older people. Seokjin said that skills like that have nothing to do with his preference for being alone. He was raised to learn that, and it didn’t mean that he wasn’t nervous doing it. He taught Jungkook that some skills are essential in life, like being assertive and public speaking, and mastering those doesn’t mean losing personality.

Jungkook found that Seokjin’s approach was very empathetic. He knew that when Seokjin calmed him by being the bigger person, initially he calmed himself too. He wanted to be like Seokjin who can overcome it. Hence, they fitted so well since then.

When Jungkook’s parents came for a short visit to Seoul, they invited Seokjin to meet them at a pork belly restaurant. They heard from Jungkook that he had a kind hyung who help him a lot and they were determined to meet him if they have a chance. Jungkook’s mother asked to bring Namjoon too as he was the one who convinced Jungkook to choose Big Hit, but unfortunately, Namjoon couldn’t make it.

That day Jungkook and Seokjin came together to the restaurant after practice. When they entered the room, Jungkook’s mother instantly saw him and greeted him excitedly.

They walked towards the table, and as soon as his mother saw Seokjin, she gushed, “Aigoo, you’re so handsome Seokjins-shi. Yeobo, just look at him,” she looked at Jungkook’s father and continue her admiration with a wink to Seokjin by the end of her sentence, “Are you real? How kind of you to help our Jungkookie. I hope you’re going to be close, right, Jungkookie?”

Jungkook felt a bit comfortable for his mother over-excitement, so he glanced to Seokjin to make sure that he's okay with it.

Of course, he was. He probably got that a lot and used to it.

Nevertheless, once again, Jungkook was amazed by Seokjin’s social skill and his talent to win his parents’ hearts so easily. If Seokjin ever had a girlfriend, he believed that the parents-in-law would beg him to marry their daughter instead of the other way around. What a lucky girl.

The short introduction was soon turned into a warm and lively dinner. Honestly, Jungkook missed his family so much and vice versa. After all, Jungkook was just a 15-years-old boy who moved away to another city to pursue his dream. Before they finished the meal, they had a video call with Jungkook’s brother who couldn’t come to Seoul.

When it's finished, Jungkook planned to come to his parents’ hotel to stay with them for a night, so they said goodbye to Seokjin and thanked him for making time to attend the family reunion.

Before Seokjin left, Jungkook’s father patted Seokjin’s shoulders and gave a final remark, “Thank you Seokjin-shi. I hope you can be a guardian for Jungkook since we can’t be with him all the time. I trust you a lot, young man.”

Seokjin bowed politely and promised Jungkook's parents to always to help him as much as he can; a promise that he keeps forever. He took his words with the utmost responsibility.

At first, Seokjin didn’t know how to be a good mat-hyung because he’s the maknae of the family, but he’s determined to be one. He connected the dots after seeing Jungkook’s family. His family was so warm and loving; Jungkook must’ve missed that a lot. He never saw Jungkook laughed so hard until that night.

Jungkook didn’t just need friends; he needed a family.

So, Seokjin’s next plan was to bring Jungkook to his home and introduced him to his second family in Seoul.

In the beginning, Jungkook was a bit reluctant because he was shy, but on his first meeting, Seokjin’s family impressed him. They reminded him of his own family a lot and they accepted him with open hands. When Seokjin had a family dinner outing scheduled, he didn’t forget to invite Jungkook and chose a restaurant that’s available in Busan to relive his homesickness.

Generally, eating was their way of knowing each other. If there were chances and permissions from the staff, Seokjin and Jungkook often spent their free time eating out together. Sometimes the other members would join, but if they couldn’t come, the two of them would still go together, erasing the awkwardness between them until the conversation flows naturally without any unpleasant pause.

If there’s a time when Jungkook didn’t look shy, it's the time when he eats. That boy could eat a portion of three people at one sitting. He ate so well and surprisingly could match Seokjin’s pace who’s also a big eater.

Seokjin’s monthly bill skyrocketed, but so did his comfort in doing this trainee and mat-hyung thing.

With the offer of more free meals together and a warm welcome from a new family, finally, Jungkook felt a little bit at ease. Jungkook slowly opened up to Seokjin, and later, the other members.

---

JUNE 2012

To this day, Jungkook still thinks that that day is one of his happiest moments in life.

One day, after the lesson, Seokjin suggested the vocal crew to go to play billiard together. Jimin, Taehyung, and the others were excited to go. It was a rare time that his teacher was being generous and offered to pay for it.

Jungkook counted the number of people who decided to go. Ten, eleven, twelve… That's a lot. It'd be rude if he simply went back to the dorm without saying anything, so he went to Seokjin to talk to him personally and politely refused his offer.

Seokjin didn’t give up. He promised to treat him an all-you-can-eat if Jungkook would come, so he came after a long calculation on his head. If that's the case, even if he didn’t enjoy the game, at least he received something.

But to his surprise, he had a great time. The game was full of stupid mistakes and blunders, but then the competitive and perfectionist Jungkook started to learn that being imperfect could be fun. Taehyung and his incredibly creative ways of cheating were also amazed him. Everyone was happy.

How stupid of him to think that this outing would be lame.

Afterwards, the four of them took a walk together to the dorm. The conversation continued as if they still have an unlimited amount of energy after that much fun during the game. The road was rather quiet that night. All he can heard was laughter, laughter, and more laughter. He enjoyed the atmosphere and hummed happily while walking besides Seokjin.

Suddenly, when they were almost home, Taehyung took Jimin’s cap and ran as fast as he can. Jimin quickly ran to follow and catch Taehyung, and soon after they're out of sight, which means that it left Seokjin and Jungkook together.

Seokjin looked at Jungkook whose eyes were glued to the road. He massaged Jungkook’s neck and reassured him, “That’s not bad, right, Jungkook? They can be serious at work because of the pressure, but after work is the time to de-stress. I believe you need it too, so I hope you can come next time. You're already so much better than me, so why are you pushing yourself too much?”

Jungkook had a long explanation for that, but instead, he smiled at Seokjin and replied, "But you work the hardest too, hyung," which made him earned a pat on his hair.

Not long after that, they arrived at the front of the dorm. Before entering, Jungkook nod and gave Seokjin a polite bow, “Hyung, thank you so much. I had so much fun today,” He paused for a second and then murmured, “I love you, hyung.”

It’s the first time Jungkook said I love you to the members without being asked or teased first. It's almost inaudible, but Seokjin heard it. He didn’t look directly at Seokjin as well. How could he look at him when he put his face down and hurried away to the stair like that?

That night Jungkook rested on his bed with a feeling that he belongs in Seoul for the first time after a year. He erased the six excuses from his memory and promised himself never to let go of his dream again. Jeon Jungkook was born to be a singer and he wouldn’t take it for granted.

He might take a shower earlier tonight.

Chapter Text

And you’ve given me
The best gift that I’ve ever known
You give me purpose every day
You give me purpose in every way
-Justin Bieber, Purpose

DECEMBER 2013

There’s not much to remember during debut days apart from them being undoubtedly, extremely, and unrealistically busy.

The members debuted in June and were officially Bangtan Sonyeondan since then. They released two albums in a period of six months, and by the end of the year, they already prepared for the third. It's better that way for idols rather than being idle, so they took every single opportunity that's offered to them, even if it's a small one, like an unaired appearance or a backup stage. To idols from a new company like them, they fully understood that they had to prove their worth first.

Deep down Seokjin never fully agreed with the hypermasculinity concept that they chose because pushing that idea to the younger members can affect how they view gender identity in the future. Though the constant talk on how to be the manliest men was unappealing for him, he kept everything on his mind.

In addition, the members never really showed any apprehension about the concept asides from showing their abs which led them to a strict diet, and Seokjin always referred from being the serious one in the group; hence he let his uneasiness slide. After all, he's still no one here. He better shifted his focus to dancing and singing instead of worrying about abstract things like that.

During the busy period between Jungkook's graduation, dance camp in the US, and debut, Jungkook grew a lot.

After the billiard outing, Seokjin noticed that Jungkook was happier. He saw it from the way Jungkook talked to the other members first, sat on the living room more, and stopped putting labels on everything he owned.

The maknae graduated from middle school in February. Seokjin, Jimin, and Yoongi came to attend the ceremony.

Seokjin remembers calling his mom to ask which kind of flower to give. His mother told him to buy Jungkook’s birth flower, so Seokjin found the information on Naver and drove around Seoul to find a bouquet of tiger lilies. At that time, Jungkook didn’t understand the significance of the flower yet. He thought that it's an ordinary convenience store bouquet that the members bought in a rush.

To no surprise, the celebration was short. They're back to reality in a blink of an eye. To commemorate that brief yet happy moment, after they came back to the dorm, Jungkook wrote a story about his graduation on the blog. He uploaded a picture of Seokjin with a caption:

A picture of Jin hyung who waited for me while I went to say farewell to my teachers.

Little did he know that he’ll wait for him for much longer. Little did he know that he spent more time choosing Seokjin's picture than the group one, and completely forget to post individual shoot of the other members.

---

Up until this time, Seokjin concluded that Jungkook loves being with him because they’re each other’s strength in the hardest time of their life. They saved each other and hopefully will continue to do so in the future.

Still, no matter how much he helped Jungkook, he didn't like how people often portrait his relationship with him as a damsel in distress type of bond when one is superior and one is inferior. That’s just a sappy fairytale. In reality, people stay together because they mutually help each other.

It’s indeed easier to see how much Seokjin influenced Jungkook.

Seokjin taught Jungkook about life and miscellaneous things: cooking, doing laundry, playing billiards, driving, managing money, and how to find a perfect meat part for every dish, to mention a few.

But Jungkook also subtly helped Seokjin.

For Seokjin, the hardest part of being an idol was that he had to catch up and learn everything from nothing when he's already 20 years old. It's disheartening when usually aspiring idols have learned to sing and dance since they were in elementary school. That toyed with Seokjin’s confidence since he didn’t want people to favour him based on his look only. He had enough share of that sort of commentary.

Seokjin always heard Jungkook cheered, "Hyung, you’re great! Hyung, you’re progressing well! Hyung, show them you’re a Dance God!" in the middle of his late-night practice. It wasn’t that the members are unsupportive, but Jungkook was always the first one to say that as if he had a radar that reacted every time Seokjin wanted to give up.

He didn’t think that he deserved the praises, but he wanted to believe that it’s true.

When Seokjin made a mistake on stage, Jungkook came running to him and showered him with words of encouragement before Seokjin’s mind could fall into a black hole of self-blame. Jungkook would then distract him and talk about funny things instead. Later on, in the hotel room, Jungkook would come and show him how to use his body better to tackle those cruel dance moves.

In other words, Jungkook was Seokjin’s teacher in performance and Seokjin was Jungkook’s teacher in life.

Both have their own anxieties and battles, yet both sincerely wish to help each other more. They knew that the feeling of being somebody else’s source of strength would strengthen them too.

In some way, they became each other’s purpose.

---

MAY 2014

No one knew that Seokjin had a boyfriend—or that he was into men—until the members met his ex-boyfriend by accident in a music show, and he asked, “There’s only the five of you? Where’s my boyfriend?”

Seokjin’s ex was a trainee, then an idol, in a different company. He’s a mutual friend of some of the members, but they thought that Seokjin and he were just a very close friend, not more than that. It's surprising to everyone. From that moment, the members began to understand that Seokjin was a very private person.

Beside that, no one also knew that Seokjin broke up with him shortly after debut.

All the members knew was that his ex no longer appeared on the ‘thanks to’ page of the albums. Soon after, Seokjin stopped posting anything about him. Only Seokjin knew when and why exactly he broke up. The members never brought it up first to respect his privacy, not even Jungkook who's always by his side or the leader.

As the eldest, Seokjin firmly believed that his personal life is not a burden to share with the younger members because they already had enough worries.

To be honest, being an impromptu trainee/idol, a student at a top university, and personally took care of Jungkook because his parents relied their children on him, took up all of his time and energy. He didn’t even have time to think about himself. There were too many duties waiting to be fulfilled.

Seokjin could easily cut people from his life and he’s proud of this trait. So, when his then-boyfriend asked him to break up, he didn’t put any quarrel. If it didn’t make him or the other person happy, they better be off so they wouldn’t waste their time.

He’s aware of the fact that he’s a bad boyfriend and his ex deserved better.

Months after, his ex-boyfriend did find someone better.

Their story was finished just like that.

Seokjin was quick to forget, but he knew that he was hurt the most when his ex-boyfriend often complained, “You’re too busy taking care of that kid. What are you, his mother? So, me or him? Him?”

Seokjin loves Bangtan so much. He'd do anything for the team.

Jungkook is part of the team.

It's an obvious choice.

---

Before the breakup, Seokjin started to argue a lot with his boyfriend. Small things could turn into a big deal but he always told himself that it's natural for a relationship to have a rough patch, especially considering their schedule. Being busy meant not enough time for wailing, so Seokjin found a way to distract him.

Cooking and eating together had always been therapeutic for him, so he did that a lot during those post-breakup days.

If Seokjin had a house, the first thing that he wanted to buy is a dinner table because ever since when he was a little boy, he associated sitting at a dinner table with happiness.

Besides the delicious food, he loves that eating is a time when the family gather together and tell stories about their day. As a mat-hyung, in this new family of his, he wanted to replicate the same blissful experience. He’s confident that a family that eats together stays together.

On interviews, he often mentioned that his ideal type is someone who can cook and eat well. It could be easily mistaken as a sexist sentiment, but all he wanted to do was to cook together with his partner, then had an intimate dinner afterwards; feeding each other and getting lost in the taste. Since he obviously couldn’t do that, he often invited Jungkook and Jimin to help him.

One afternoon when Seokjin cooked spicy pork, Jungkook was busy taking pictures of him with his new camera. The kitchen was rather small and cramped, so it's hard for Jungkook to take great pictures.

But they’re happy.

While cooking, they joked together about Iron Man and whose member is most likely to die first on an action movie. It's Jimin according to Jungkook, and Namjoon according to Seokjin. During the argument of which one of both of them would live until the end, suddenly, Jungkook sighed and asked him out of the blue, “Hyung, how do you know your ideal type?”

Seokjin almost choked upon hearing the question. He stopped marinating the pork and replied, “All of a sudden? Why do you ask?”

Jungkook explained that he was frustrated by the interviews. Their latest album and the school trilogy, in general, are about young love. In consequence, it's expected that the interview questions are mostly about love, girls, or the ideal date.

Unfortunately, Jungkook never really thought about that before. He's just a boy who’s after his dream and he saw dating as a distraction, but as an idol, he couldn’t say that, could he? If he's being honest and said that love is a waste of time and effort, wouldn't the fans hate him?

Seokjin told Jungkook to put the chopped vegetables in the bowl and answered, “Don't overthink. You can say what you like about me, your hyung, or your mom and dad. No one will know. I sometimes imagine talking about Jjangu when they ask.”

Jungkook chuckled, “Hyung, how can you talk about a dog?” and not your perhaps ex-boyfriend? Jungkook wanted to ask that, but he kept his mouth shut.

"Who told you that you couldn’t?” teased him.

He finished marinating the pork and putting a plastic wrap on the bowl. Seokjin said, “Hey, you can use me and my name if there's a question that makes you uncomfortable. I'll be okay with that. Now that we’ll leave this pork on the freezer for a night let’s go for a set of push-ups Jungkook-ah."

The obedient 2014 Jungkook still listened well to his hyung, so off they went.

Months after, when the question about who's among the members that he wanted to date arrived, he chose Seokjin without a doubt.

---

JUNE 2014

“All the members are good, but I like Jungkook the most.”

Seokjin said that during an interview with C-Radio, only to received sharp replies from Taehyung and Jimin. He didn’t think that the maknae line would react like that. If it wasn’t a live radio with hosts as the referees, he predicted that it'd be a heated argument that goes on as a silent war for days.

That night after the show, Seokjin had his monthly schedule to had a quality drink together with Yoongi.

They weren’t picky about the bar since they just need a quick release, so the two of them came into the first bar that they saw. Nothing special here, but since there's no special occasion to celebrate, so it didn't matter. Shortly, they sat side by side and ordered two shots of whisky.

It wasn't a secret that the members think that Yoongi is the most perceptive out of the seven. He never missed anything. So, out of curiosity, Seokjin asked, “Yoongi, do you think I’m biased towards Jungkook?”

It didn’t take a second for Yoongi to answer, “Kind of.”

“How so?” enquired him.

Yoongi grabbed the glass of whisky from the bartender and sip. He raised his eyebrows seeing his hyung being oblivious, then he explained, “You’re practically with him all the time. Wakes him up, cooks him breakfast, takes him to school, then after schedule, you still eat together.”

Seokjin cut Yoongi short, “In which I invite Taehyung too, and you pick him up from school.”

Then Yoongi corrected him, “In which you invited Jungkook, then Jungkook invited Taehyung because he didn’t want it to be awkward. Jungkook must've noticed that too, how Taehyung and Jimin wanted to be included. And don’t lie, if you’re not at the university, I know that you’d picked him up as well.”

This guy was unquestionably amazing. How could he make up things like that? Seokjin sipped his whiskey and doubted him, “How could you know? Did he tell you?”

Yoongi smiled mischievously, still amazed by how much Seokjin wasn't aware of that, so he bragged instead, "You can say that I'm like a psychic. I can read people and manifest things."

"Yah, what new-age bullshit is that?"

"I'm not lying, though," Yoongi shouted.

Seokjin still doubted Yoongi, so he challenged him, "Yeah? Then try to manifest daesang for Bangtan."

Yoongi’s confidence wasn’t shaken for a bit and he declared, "Just wait and see."

Seokjin laughed and asked for a second round. He pointed at Yoongi’s empty glass to the bartender and asked him to fill it too.

“But seriously, I think it’s just the usual thing to do. You know Jungkook, being an authoritative figure for him isn't going to work, I have to be on eye level with him, which means ignoring the age gap. I made the mood lighter so he could lightly express himself."

Yoongi looked at Seokjin in the eye and protested, “Hyung, we're just three months apart. But if I'm doing what Jungkook did to you, I know that you won't like it. You might be doing it for Jungkook, but unconsciously, as the oldest and the youngest, you're setting the tone for the whole group too. How you handle your relationship with Jungkook influences us.”

Seokjin was buried in his thought, so he didn’t say anything and stared at the glass instead. Yes, he did realize that Jungkook got a bit more playful these days and started teasing the other members, especially Jimin and Taehyung, but he thought that it's done moderately.

Yoongi took another sip. He reasoned, “It’s not a bad thing, though. You just have to know that you can’t expect the others to understand that your initial intention was to do that for only Jungkook and not for the whole group. It's not fair, especially for the other maknae.”

“Well, that’s fine then, it’s not like I can change anyway. I just want to create a good atmosphere in the group,” answered Seokjin. He pointed at himself and then Yoongi, “I’ll be the fun hyung and you’ll be the wise hyung, how about that?”

Yoongi’s facial expression spoke louder than his simple “No.”

They sat in silence for minutes, enjoying the low music and chatter. Everyone was busy minding their own business. Being anonymous in a crowded place had its own beauty.

When they finished drinking and getting ready to pay, Yoongi added, “Hyung, try to think of the other members too. Is it okay for Jimin or Taehyung if Jungkook behaves like that? After all, they’re still two years older. Just because you’re okay with it, doesn’t mean everyone is, and it could be disadvantageous for him if someone holds a grudge.”

Seokjin quickly nod and went back to his reverie, but then something stroked him. He narrowed his eyes, drew his face closer to Yoongi, and said, “Don’t say that someone is you.”

Yoongi put his hand in front of Seokjin’s face and refused, “No. I’m too tired for drama.”

That advice was true, but Seokjin already knew that. He understood that growing up in this culture, the role of the hyung is of the utmost importance, to the point that if the younger members made troubles, the older was the one who would be scolded first for not teaching them to behave well.

He hoped that he could be a better hyung for all the members equally; he'd do that.

After another discussion about the company’s plan to send the group to Los Angeles and tomorrow’s dinner menu, Seokjin and Yoongi left the bar together.

Thanks to Yoongi, Seokjin vowed never to pick any favourite in the future and pick himself instead for another ‘who’s the most’ question.

---

DECEMBER 2014

Jungkook is an emo boy, or so Seokjin thought.

On Oricon magazine interview, another ideal girl question appeared. As they discussed before, Jungkook talked about Seokjin (someone with muscle), and Seokjin talked about Jjangu (someone who looks like a puppy). They didn’t care if the interviewers were confused. It's a stupid question anyway that aims to give false hope.

However, during that interview, Jungkook was probably at his breaking point, enduring endless questions about love, so he answered nonchalantly, “I’m a lonely person, so I’m okay if I’m alone forever.”

The air in the room got a bit awkward, so then Jungkook explained, “I’m joking, right now I still haven’t considered things related to love. But, if I have someone I like, I will want to be with them forever.”

Case closed. They moved on to the next questions and shortly after finished the interview.

The members were quick to forget what they said in the interview, but what Jungkook said lingered on Seokjin’s mind. He felt it deeply because he used to have that thought too. Most likely, everyone likes him always has that thought at some point in their life.

Once again, Jungkook really reminded him of his past self.

It baffled Seokjin because he said I love you a lot to Jungkook, more than to the other members, to boost his confidence. When Jungkook replied to his I love you message on Twitter, he thought that Jungkook’s finally opened up to people, but then the interview happened, and it went back to square one again.

When they had the time to be alone in the middle of the break, Seokjin couldn’t help but ask, “Hey, Jungkook, about what you said in the interview, do you actually feel that way?”

Jungkook thought for a second and replied, “Is it bad if I say yes?”

Seokjin hugged him and patted Jungkook’s back until Jungkook's body completely rested on his. He assured him, “I won’t say yes or no because it’s your feeling. But I was once felt like that too.”

Jungkook’s eyes sparkled with interest. He asked, “Really? Does it change?”

Seokjin took a pause to think. He didn’t know the exact answer yet, but at that time he just blurted, “It does. After meeting you, after meeting the members. Even if we’re not dating anyone, don’t you think the seven of us will be together for a long time so we won’t be lonely?”

“I hope so,” said Jungkook meekly. He’s uninterested and continued to eat.

Whether it's because Jungkook is on his puberty or he simply didn't value love, Seokjin didn’t like to see Jungkook sulk, so he spoon-fed him to try the food that Seokjin’s ordered.

It's delicious.

They’re happy again.

---

On Seokjin’s birthday, Jungkook gave him a hand-written letter. Jungkook told him that he kept his promise.

Seokjin was surprised. “Promise? I said that?” confirmed him.

Jungkook was confused because it's a recent one; Seokjin should’ve remembered it. “Yeah, during the Pops in Seoul Interview,” Jungkook explained.

“Jungkookie, I’m used to people not taking me seriously, so I quickly forget small things like that," Seokjin laughed and he couldn't hide the happy gleam on his face, "but you really wrote it?”

Jungkook froze at that sentence. Why did it feel sadder than it sounded?

He comforted Seokjin, “Hyung, maybe we have similar feelings. I’ll be hurt too if someone doesn’t hear me. So, I tried my best and wrote a letter to you. Sorry hyung, I can’t write longer than two pages because it’s hard to find alone time here. I hope it makes you happy.”

“Whoa, thank you very much. You don’t know how much it means to me. I swore not to pick on favourite anymore, but this is exactly why you’re my favourite dongsaeng, Jungkook-ah. You listened to me well,” Seokjin gushed while hugging and softly patting Jungkook’s head.

Later on, when Seokjin's alone, he opened the letter.

Jungkook wrote it with big letters and a wide gap between the paragraphs, but he can feel his sincerity. It mostly contains of Jungkook praising him as usual, mentioning all the foods they cooked together, rating all the restaurants that they went to, his dog Gureum, and various random things in between.

Jungkook couldn’t be writing it in one sitting because it kept jumping between topics. But two things that strike him the most were how good Jungkook's memory was compared to Seokjin and how he ended it with,

Hyung, I’ll quickly become an adult too! Happy birthday!

Maybe Jungkook is a romantic boy.

Chapter Text

Who are we?
Just a speck of dust inside the galaxy
Searching for meanings
But aren’t we all lost stars?
Trying to light up the dark.
-Maroon 5, Lost Stars

(IT STARTED ON) MARCH 2015

Sometimes you’ll only get what you want when you let go.

Until ‘Danger’ era, the members and the staffs were very ambitious. They had high hopes, but the results weren’t as good as they expected to. The company was walking on eggshells during those days, so they needed to find a new strategy. Finally, the members decided to be more involved in the concept and development of the album.

They tried to be more honest in composing HYYH album. They didn’t think much about the result, but more about how to convey their angst and restlessness as youths. It's more about sharing vulnerabilities and telling stories, instead of cursing the system. Based on that, they crafted a personal and yet universal experience.

They didn’t expect that the public would accept their change of style easily, but apparently, the album was well-received.

Since then, they learned the importance of being true to themselves. It’s essential to not only say something or make a statement but also doing something really close to their heart. Although in terms of achievement and revenue, it wasn’t exceptional compared to what they did recently, it’s a turning point for them as musicians, not just idols.

After that, their images changed to be more down-to-earth.

They sang about simple things in life such as ‘Move’ which tells the story about the time they moved dorm and say goodbye to the attached memory there.

The new dorm wasn’t much bigger, but at least the seven of them didn’t have to share one room anymore. It had three bedrooms, so the members have to choose a roommate.

Not to anyone’s surprise, Taehyung and Jimin were the first ones who chose to be together. Seokjin was still considering his options when Yoongi took the first dib on him. “I can’t imagine myself being with anyone else but Jin hyung. I need an equally quiet roommate," claimed Yoongi.

Jungkook was slightly annoyed by that, but he didn’t have enough courage to say that he wanted to be Seokjin’s roommate too. What good would that make if he said that? He certainly didn’t want to argue with Yoongi, so he just hoped that Seokjin would refuse and pick him instead. They chose each other's as the preferred roommate in multiple interviews before, so Jungkook still had some hopes, right?

But that didn’t happen. Seokjin said yes, and they proceeded to the next member, which left Jungkook trying hard to hide his disappointment. Jimin offered Hoseok to join him and Taehyung and took the biggest room. So, there’s how the cuddly members roomed together.

It left Jungkook and Namjoon as roommates. Namjoon didn’t mind at all; he’s okay with anyone. At first, Jungkook was upset, but Namjoon was a good hyung to talk to, so he didn’t sulk for long. Jungkook thought that maybe it’s finally time for him to discuss more music-related stuff with Namjoon, his first role model.

Jungkook and Namjoon’s room was the smallest out of all. It’s the only room with bunk beds, so it wasn’t the most comfortable place to stay besides sleeping. That still didn’t bother Jungkook. He felt safer in a small space.

Even so, something did bother him. Not long after they moved, Namjoon’s snore was getting worse. Later on, he realized that it was due to a medical issue in his nose, but it’s only fixed years later.

Being a sensitive person that he was, Jungkook tried everything to sleep well. He tried wearing a headset, made himself as tired and as sleepy as possible, drank milk, and ate other recommended foods from the internet. All to no avail. He talked with Namjoon, but there wasn’t much that he can do.

It might seem simple to anyone, but to Jungkook, it triggered his anxiety. It reminded him of the time he wasn’t uncomfortable in the group and couldn’t sleep well. It reminded him of how much personal space that he lost and how much he wanted to have a room of his own. It's been four years since he had to share everything with the members and he's afraid that it won't change soon considering the progress of the group.

At a time like this, he wanted to be alone so bad. He's furious at the fact that a simple thing as being alone was a luxurious demand for him.

That night Jungkook was lying on his bed for two hours. He's sleepy, but he couldn’t fall asleep. He wanted to scream to let out his frustration. He's tired.

Of the situation.

Of himself.

Of his over-sensitivity.

From that small thing, it spiralled to many things, such as to how much he missed his room in Busan. He began to think about his family.

It's like opening 50 tabs of browser at once, but it's on his brain. It's impossible to fall asleep in that state.

He didn’t sleep much, to begin with, only three to five hours a day, but he kept getting less than his usual routine, and it affected his daily performance. Slowly, tears began to roll down his eyes.

He walked down from the upper bunk with his pillow and blanket. He didn’t know what to do, but he had to get out of his room first. On the hallway, he got an idea to sleep in the dressing room, so he went there. It wasn’t the most comfortable, but at least it's quiet so he could silence his mind from overthinking. It was noisy enough in his head, and he couldn’t bear to hear any more sound.

He began to lie down until someone entered the room.

It's dark, so he couldn’t figure out who was that until the man turned on the light.

“Aaargh,” Jungkook whined because of the sudden exposure to light and covered his eyes. He's ready to get angry because of another distraction that he got. But then he noticed the voice.

“Jungkook?”

It’s Seokjin. His anger decreased for a bit, but he still couldn’t sleep, so he's still upset.

He didn’t say anything and rubbed his eyes instead. Oh no, he forgot that he’s crying. His eyes must have been so red. He woke up from his sleeping position and curled on the side of the room.

“Jungkook, are you crying?” Seokjin asked as he's walking towards Jungkook. He kneeled down and hold Jungkook's hand, asking once again though Jungkook hadn't answered the first one, “What happened to you? Are you okay?” He rubbed Jungkook's side to soothe him, still with no answer.

“I was in the kitchen when I thought I heard something," Seokjin continued to break the silence, "Normally I wouldn’t mind, but I was feeling brave, so I checked it.”

Jungkook was speechless because he's beyond shy. Instead of stop crying, he burst into tears on Seokjin’s chest. Seokjin patted his head and told him that everything’s okay, and he’s here with him.

After several minutes, Jungkook regained his composure and began to talk about his sleeping problem. Without thinking much, Seokjin offered Jungkook to sleep on his bed.

“Hyung, is it okay for you?” He had to make sure because his bed wasn’t big. There’s no way to have seven queen-sized beds in this house. Sleeping together meant that they would be in close proximity. And Seokjin wasn’t the most tactile in the group.

Seokjin nodded without hesitation. “I’m the one who should probably ask, are okay with it? Nonetheless, I guess you don’t have another option right now, so don’t sweat it,” eased him. He then carried Jungkook's arms to help him stand up and pat his shoulder twice. That time, Seokjin still could carry Jungkook easily. He wrapped his arm around Jungkook’s waist and guided him towards his room.

The room was tranquil and clean. It even smelled good. Jungkook noticed Yoongi who slept soundly on the other bed. He’s jealous of him. Oh, how wished he was Seokjin’s roommate.

Seokjin went to his bed and patted the mattress as a sign for Jungkook to join him, so Jungkook came back from his reverie and sat beside Seokjin. They went under the cover and got ready to sleep. It's always like that with them, the absence of conversation is never a problem. Rather, it's another thing that Jungkook loves from being with Seokjin; he doesn't have to think much.

To give Jungkook some space, Seokjin slept facing the wall while Jungkook got the bigger space of the bed. Seokjin counted down from thirty as a ritual before sleeping, but he stopped at twenty to ask Jungkook about his preferred breakfast menu for tomorrow.

He rolled to face Jungkook only to be surprised to find out that he had already fallen asleep.

Seokjin smiled and tucked him better to the blanket. He looked at his serene sleeping face and compared it to the crying mess that he discovered hours ago.

He hoped that it’s the last time he’d seen Jungkook crying like that.

He hoped that Jungkook would be stronger and stronger each day so he can shine brighter than the stars because he is that. Those are the last thoughts on Seokjin's mind before he fell asleep too.

Seokjin wasn’t the only one that’s surprised because, in the morning, Jungkook was amazed by how fast he felt comfortable around Seokjin and just fell asleep as if nothing happened before.

Although in the future, Seokjin always complained about Jungkook occupying his bed, he's the one who first initiated it.

He never admitted that.

---

Started from there, Jungkook was a regular guest in Seokjin’s room, or rather, bed. Seokjin talked about it with Yoongi, and luckily he’s very chill about it. He said to Jungkook, “We introverts stick together, okay? Let's have a comfortable silence together.”

Jungkook was relieved to hear that.

Honestly, Yoongi felt bad for Jungkook because he left him. He should’ve considered him and maybe took the biggest room together for the three of them. The least he can do was to let Jungkook stayed on Seokjin’s bed when he needed it.

Soon the members know about the fact that Jungkook often slept together with Seokjin. When Jungkook wasn’t on Seokjin’s bed, he’d lay down on the carpet and finally fell asleep there. It wasn’t every day because sometimes Namjoon ended up staying late at the studio, and Jungkook could sleep earlier than him.

It wasn’t a big deal because it’s normal for them to sleep in each other’s beds, but it’s still fun to tease Jungkook. Jimin even said in several interviews that he rarely saw him and Namjoon together.

Not only at the dorm, Jungkook—who noticed how comfortable he was with Seokjin—always chose Seokjin as a preferred hotel roommate if the circumstances allowed. The reason was they have a similar pace in daily life. When other members teased exercise freak Seokjin for working out as soon as they arrived at the hotel, Jungkook would gladly join him. If that's what's needed to have Seokjin's body that he adored the most, he'd work out even harder.

The members didn’t mind with Seokjin and Jungkook’s sleeping habits because it’s almost impossible to wake Jungkook up. Seokjin was the only one who can wake him up by pinching his nipples. Weird, but numerous experiments had proven that.

Another funny sleeping habit from Jungkook was that he slept topless and sometimes only on his boxer. Namjoon told the story to counter Jungkook’s story about his snore, and the other members would tell more embarrassing stories about their roommate’s sleeping habits. Namjoon would comically reconstruct how Jungkook stripped himself during sleeping and how his clothes would fell one by one from the upper bunk. Hearing that, the members couldn’t stop laughing.

Technically, Hoseok knew about the story, but still, he was shocked to find topless Jungkook at Seokjin’s bed one morning. All of the members already woke up except Jungkook, and Seokjin was busy in the kitchen when he heard Hoseok’s exaggerated scream from his room.

The members came to Seokjin’s room to see what happened, hence started the first commotion of the day.

Seokjin went through the door. He was greeted by Jimin’s pressing question, “Hyung, hyung, what did you do to Jungkook?”

Seokjin laughed it out, but he furiously replied, “Yah, I don’t know! I woke up and he’s already like that!”

Hoseok couldn’t believe it easily, “Whoa, really? But doesn’t he do it only when he sleeps alone? Right, Namjoon?”

Namjoon agreed with Hoseok. They joked about it and talked nonsense with all the members except Yoongi, who was busy getting rid of them out of his shared room.

What a lively morning, Seokjin thought.

No matter how noisy the members were, Jungkook still didn’t wake up until Seokjin’s shook his body. Upon opening his eyes, he was confused and flustered to find that he stripped himself that night and apologized to Seokjin.

Seokjin didn’t think that it’s a big deal. This household was full of the members walking around only on their boxers anyway, but it's a big deal for Jungkook. He still reflected on it for several days afterwards. It seemed that his body was comfortable with Seokjin and decided to permit him to perform that strange habit.

To think of it, Jungkook realised that he also sweats and stutters less when he’s with Seokjin.

No wonder that his dance and P.E. teachers always praised him. His body's smart enough to decipher what’s on his subconscious mind before he understands it.

---

NOVEMBER 2015

During the moment when Jungkook started visiting his bed, Seokjin was in a tough time of his life too. Back then, he reconsidered his decision of being an idol a lot.

People know that Jungkook and Hoseok tried to quit once, but no one knows that thought of leaving had been haunting Seokjin almost every day.

Every time he missed lecture, every time he had to retake exams, every time he got the dance moves wrong, every time they went on a reality show and had to show talent or acted funny. Also, every time someone said that he better not waste his youth as an idol and hurry to be an actor before it’s too late.

Should he be an actor instead and focus on his acting study? Should he stick to his plan A? Should he quit?

He knew that he wouldn’t do it, but he began to second-guess a lot; making up alternate scenarios on his mind and considering which one would give him the most happiness.

He remembered the way he convinced Jungkook to stay, and yet when Jungkook was enjoying all of this, it’s him who needed convincing. Seokjin couldn’t just convince Jungkook to stay and leave him; it wasn’t fair to Jungkook. Still, Seokjin felt that he contributed the least to the group while at the same time, he still had many things to sort out. He’s restless and helpless at the same time. It's a confusing feeling.

Seeing Jungkook playing games on his bed after a long and hectic day provided a sense of safety for Seokjin. He might scold him often, but frankly, he didn’t mind at all.

Although Seokjin didn’t talk about his problems with Jungkook, he had a hunched that Jungkook was in tune with his feeling. Even more than Yoongi, whom he thought was already an incredible mind-reader.

When he worried about his role in the group, Jungkook asked him to write a song together. Jungkook wanted to produce the song too, and he wanted Seokjin to be involved in it. From that, 'Love is Not Over' was created.

When Seokjin was sad or upset, Jungkook would give him a shoulder massage; decreasing his burden bit by bit. But most of the time, he consoled him with his eyes and presence without saying anything.

Seokjin knew that he likes Jungkook’s eyes since the beginning.

Jungkook knew that he likes Seokjin during the ‘Run’ era.

Maybe not like as in love because he still didn’t think much about it, but at least he’s sure that he’s physically and sexually attracted to him though he couldn’t pinpoint since when and why exactly he felt that.

It’s probably caused by the late-night conversation when they slept side by side or the way he looked lately. That damn sensual Run choreography and skinny leather pants surely tempt him. And maybe since they’re not singing about girls anymore—but life—he wasn’t too distracted by the lyrics.

That Saturday was an unusually quiet morning. Seokjin told him that he’d visit his parents, Yoongi scheduled to shop for groceries with Hoseok, and Namjoon was nowhere to be found. Jungkook went to the kitchen and found Taehyung, who was busy watching K-Dramas.

Jungkook signalled Taehyung to put down his headset for a second and asked about the whereabouts of Jimin. He said that Jimin was most likely still in the bathroom and asked Jungkook back if he’s ever watched Reply 1988. Jungkook wasn’t familiar with the drama, so he continued to prepare his cereal.

When he finished, he sat in front of Taehyung and ate quietly. Taehyung was completely absorbed in the drama. He probably didn’t realize that Jungkook was there. In silence, Jungkook watched Taehyung spoke to himself, “Whoa… Really… Park Bogum is really handsome here. How can a face like that exist? Whoa.” He clapped his hands happily and put down his headset.

Jungkook, who’s still pondering upon his newfound attraction to Seokjin, asked, “Hyung, do you like him?”

Taehyung look confused and answered, “Park Bogum? Of Course. Bogum hyung is handsome, and he’s a good actor.”

“Ah, yes, actor.” Jungkook nodded, but there’s a growing curiosity inside him, so after a long pause, he asked again, “Only as an actor? I mean, like him like… a man. Not just as a fan or a friend. You’ve talked to him on Music Bank, right?”

“Where does this question go, Jungkookie?“ Now Taehyung gave his full attention to Jungkook and closed his laptop.

”Hmm, do you think that…" Jungkook paused to rearrange the words in the best way as possible. He cautiously asked, "I mean, do you think it's normal for boys to like boys?” He spoke while looking at Taehyung’s laptop because he couldn’t bear to read Taehyung’s facial expression.

Taehyung gasped and stood up from his chair. He changed his tone and whispered, “Jungkook, don’t say that you too—?”

“What? I’m not!" Jungkook answered quickly but soon added, "I’m not sure. I’m just curious.”

“Really? Really?” Taehyung poked Jungkook and laughed. His face looked extra nosy, so Jungkook started to feel uncomfortable.

“Forget it, hyung,” said Jungkook weakly. He stood up from his chair and held his bowl. He’s ready to get away from the embarrassing moment, but Taehyung pulled his hand and assured him, “No, no, no, don’t go, Jungkookie!”

Jungkook was so ready to harshly released Taehyung’s grip on his arm, when Taehyung shouted, “Jungkook, I’m gay!”

Jungkook almost dropped his bowl. It felt like a thunder stroke him.

His eyes got bigger, and he gasped in disbelief, “But how come? You clearly told us that you had many girlfriends since elementary school?”

“Oh, that’s a long story,” Taehyung replied and gave Jungkook a half-smile.

Chapter Text

Lost myself, seventeen
Then you came found me
No other magic could ever compare
There's a room
In my heart with the memories we made
Took 'em down but they're still in their frames
There’s no way I could ever forget
-Lauv, Never Not

NOVEMBER 2015

Taehyung took off the cable and grabbed his laptop from the table. He invited Jungkook to resume the conversation in his bedroom. Jungkook followed him quietly.

Taehyung closed the door and curtains cautiously as if they’re on a secret mission while he's listening to the sound from the bathroom. After he’s sure that Jimin’s still taking a shower, Taehyung sat on the corner of his bed and proceeded to tell stories about the girls he dated, just as Jungkook asked.

Apparently, he received many confessions because he’s handsome and he couldn’t reject those girls. In middle school, he’s finally sure that he’s not really into the girls she dated and prefer to glance at the boys instead. Since he’s an amiable person, dating wasn’t a problem for him. It’s relatively easy because middle schoolers didn’t do anything anyway. Exchanging gifts, riding bicycles together, sending song recommendations. Simple.

Taehyung didn’t say much about his hardship to Jungkook because he didn’t want to scare him.

He didn’t say that he used to date girls because he wanted to keep trying until he began to like girls.

He didn’t say about how his closest friends and family led him to believe that it was the only option that he had. That it was right and he was wrong.

He didn’t because Taehyung wanted to be a good hyung that day. He wanted to be the person that he never had.

Jungkook listened attentively. Taehyung was the second gay person that he knew, but he’s the first person that opened up to him. He didn’t know what to do or what to response except for nervously rubbing his thighs.

Taehyung noticed and asked him, “Now your turn. How about a wet dream? Shouldn’t you know because of that?”

Jungkook was surprised by Taehyung’s direct question. He wrinkled his eyebrows and answered, “I forgot about my dream. I woke up, and that’s it.”

“Then what makes you realize it just now?” Taehyung laughed.

Another cruel direct question. Jungkook kept narrowing his eyebrows; then shortly, he gave up finding the right excuse. He simply shrugged his shoulder instead of telling Taehyung about a certain man that’s been on his mind lately.

Taehyung didn’t doubt Jungkook for a bit. He hugged Jungkook and shouted happily, “Oh, I guess you just get a sudden gay awakening from the angel, then? Congratulations!” He pinched Jungkook’s cheek.

Usually, Jungkook would react by pinching Taehyung back, but Taehyung deserved an exemption that day. He desperately wanted to move from that conversation quickly, so he enquired another question to Taehyung, “Why didn’t you tell us before?”

He answered in no time as if it’s been bugging his mind for long, “Straight people don’t have the burden to say that they’re straight, why do gay people have to?”

“Hi, I’m Kim Taehyung, I’m gay. What’s your name, and are you gay or straight?” said Taehyung as he walked flirtatiously to Jungkook and put his palm in front of him. “Like that?” He finished his little demonstration and moved back to his bed.

To think of it, Taehyung just threw hint here and there—just like when he openly admired Park Bogum—but never explicitly confirmed it as the members never asked about it too.

Jungkook asked if he’s the only one who knows about Taehyung’s secret, but Taehyung refused to call it a secret.

He wasn’t open, but he didn’t keep it as a secret either. The reason he kept quiet was that he didn’t want the members to see him differently. Taehyung knew that they would accept him, but still, being a gay who lives together with six guys, it probably could affect the dynamic. He also added that Jimin knows about it, so Jungkook isn’t the first person to know.

Talking with Taehyung was very helpful for Jungkook. Was that what people called a coming out? If that was, he's lucky to spend it with someone who accepted him well.

Now, he still had one question that bugged his mind. He confirmed it to Taehyung, “Hyung, you’re very sure about it then? I’m not. I want to know if I’m really gay or if it’s just a phase or curiosity.”

Taehyung moved to sit beside Jungkook and whispered, “I think the most experienced gay in this household is Seokjin hyung because he had a boyfriend before. Let’s just ask him later. Honestly, I was curious since a long time ago, but you know how private hyung is.” He frowned and added, “Now both of us are together Jungkookie, I feel powerful.”

They did a fist bump and smiled at each other.

---

That night, Yoongi told the group chat that he would be at the studio until dawn, hence the members could have the late dinner without him. Not to waste any time, Taehyung told Jungkook that it's the right time for them to talk to Seokjin.

Seokjin was reading a college textbook in his room when the two maknae came and hijacked his bed. He’s angry at first, but then he let them sat there. He’s never mad for long.

He thought that they’re going to ask him to play games together, so he's confused when Taehyung told him that they had something to ask. Seokjin wondered what that could be about.

He didn’t have to guess for long since they just blurted out what happened this morning. From the way Jungkook found Taehyung fanboying over Park Bogum to Jungkook’s doubt, Seokjin heard all of it. He listened to it with full attention, nod and reacted here and there.

To conclude the story, Taehyung asked Seokjin the pressing question, “Hyung, you’re gay too, right? Because you dated a boy? Can you teach us about it?”

Seokjin took a glass of water from his bedside and sip. He then sighed, “Okay, I think it’s time for us to have this conversation. I can't escape any longer, can I?” He took a deep breath and resumed the explanation, “Technically gender doesn’t matter to me. I see everyone similarly. As a person, not as a man or a woman. But I was in an all-boys school for long, so I don’t know much about girls.”

Both Taehyung and Jungkook said that they didn’t get it. Seokjin understood, he was once not familiar with the concept either. He tried to explain it in the easiest way as possible.

“Hmm, let’s imagine this. Since we’re gamers, imagine falling in love with a man from the game. You chat, you fall in love, you’re open that you’re a gay man, but when you meet up, you find out that it’s a woman. Would that change anything for you?”

Jungkook replied, “Hmm yeah, I feel weird and upset. She lied.”

Taehyung added, “Me too because obviously, I’m not into girls. We could be best friends, though. Unless she begged me to date her and I just can’t bear to reject her. But I definitely won’t ask her out.”

“That’s not the case for me. Knowing that the person is a man or a woman doesn’t change anything because what matters is the connection we have. It’s rare to have someone who connects with me, so I’ll never take it for granted just because of the gender. A person like me is known as panromantic or pansexual, not gay,” concluded Seokjin.

He tried to read the maknae expression to see if there’s any more confusion or doubt from them.

As expected, they confused it with bisexuality. Seokjin explained that pan means regardless of gender identity, so the attraction is mostly based on an emotional level rather than a physical level. The terms can overlap at some point, but what mattered the most was that Seokjin was more comfortable with that label. There's always a limitation in putting something complex into words, so in the end, it's always a personal preference.

Taehyung straightened his feet and asked more, “Hyung, what about gay sex?”

Seokjin tried hard to keep his calmness hearing that question. As expected from Taehyung. He appreciated Taehyung’s confidence that night, but he wasn’t prepared to answer that, so he only replied, “What do you specifically want to know? I’m not an expert, Taehyung.”

“I can learn from porn, though. I just want to hear first-person stories.”

Seokjin shook his head sharply. He warned Taehyung, “Yah, first of all, porn isn’t a good place to learn. There’s so much more that’s not represented in porn. I could give you legit resources; my relative gave it to me back then.”

Taehyung sulked but kept listening to Seokjin. He continued, “And I’m also a graysexual, which means that I don’t put much importance in sex. Let’s say, if people spend 90% of their time thinking, wanting, or doing sex, I just spend 10% of my time on that.”

Another strange term for them. Jungkook was especially taken aback to hear that because he thought about doing it with Seokjin once. Or twice. Or thrice.

The simple conversation made him realised that there are different kinds of people out there, various kinds of love. That there are so many things that he doesn’t understand about the world. And about Seokjin.

Maybe that’s why Seokjin was very chill about him sleeping on his bed. But looking at these past few days, Jungkook wasn’t. He got hard easily these days, and it bothered him. He began to feel cautious when they're in bed together so that Seokjin wouldn't find that out.

"So, you don't watch porn at all, hyung?" Taehyung's still curious about it because he thought that porn is an integral part of a young boy's life. That's what he learned from his friends in middle school and high school anyway. This information is entirely new to him.

Seokjin replied patiently, "I do watch them sometimes, but I tend to get very picky. Watching it for me is pure entertainment. You see, it's like the feeling when you watch a football match and get excited about it, but you're still slouching on your couch. You don't want to run to the park and play."

Jungkook nod, while Taehyung was lost in his own thought.

Once again, Seokjin convinced Taehyung not to learn from porn because porn wasn’t created for sex education. Taehyung said okay, then he rolled his body on the bed. It seemed like he had more to discuss, but he still tried to articulate it.

Seokjin looked at Jungkook instead and tried to have a conversation with him. “How about you, Jungkook? Are you taking everything well?”

Jungkook answered in a small voice, “I’m fine, but… are people generally okay with gay people? I mean, when I want to make male friends, should I give a precaution to them in case they’re afraid that I might like them?” He looked at Seokjin with a melancholic stare.

Taehyung instantly stood up from his position and snapped, “Whoa Jungkook, what kind of question is that? Are you really…?”

Seokjin moved his body closer to Jungkook and hold his hand, assuring him, “When the members know that I was dating a boy, they’re supportive. I believe your friends will do too. You don’t need to explain yourself to everyone because it’ll be tiring. You’ll be coming out again and again throughout your life,” he let go of Jungkook's hand and continue, “Anyway, true friends will stay, if they don’t, then it’s better. It means that you don’t waste your time with such fake friends.”

Jungkook nod but his gesture still looked uncomfortable. He wrapped his hand around his legs, and he spaced out.

Looking at him, Seokjin had an idea to text the group chat about it. They’ve been together for four years. They deserved to know to avoid misunderstanding and forever guessing about the members’ reactions. Wouldn’t it be better to clear everything out now? Taehyung and Jungkook agreed to the idea. It’s time for the collective coming out.

Seokjin: Everyone, I want to tell you that I’m a panromantic graysexual, Taehyung is gay, and Jungkook is PROBABLY gay.

All of the members replied relatively quick.

Jimin: I don't understand that hyung, but I’m glad that you figure it out too Jungkook!! Now Taehyung isn’t alone.

Hoseok: Oooh nice information, I’ll always support you, my babies! [Many emojis]

Yoongi: [Thumbs up emoji]

Namjoon: Why are you saying this all of a sudden kekeke.
Namjoon: Hyung, is Jungkook in your room? He’s not here.
Namjoon: Oh, and I’m fine with it. Everyone is.

Jimin: Of course, we are!!!!!

After he received all the replies, Seokjin showed his phone to Jungkook and Taehyung. He concluded, “See? Normally it’s like saying you like red or pink. It’s just harmless information. I know that we live in Korea, but many people silently support it. You only have to think about the closest one, not public opinion. Don’t let someone whom you don’t even know hurt you.”

“Hyung, you’re so cool like a wolf,” said Jungkook with eyes are full of admiration for Seokjin. Seokjin took the compliment, although he’s not entirely succeeded yet in applying his own advice. He just said those words over and over again as an affirmation so that he could live that way. He should be stronger for the youngest members, he told himself that too everyday.

Seokjin told Jungkook and Taehyung that his family knew about him since he was a child and accept him wholeheartedly, that’s the reason he could take everything quite easily. As Jungkook and Taehyung were still closeted, they asked more about Seokjin’s experience of dealing with family.

It all thanks to Seokjin’s relative—which he refused to disclose which one—that he could have a smooth coming out experience. He’s not the first one in his extended family. His relative’s also the one who taught him about the spectrum in romantic, sexual, and gender identity.

At first, he thought he was bisexual, but he then discovered a better term that fits him: a panromantic graysexual.

He could fall head over heels for someone, and yet he never thought about doing sexual things with the person. Growing up as a teenager was quite challenging because teenage boys are all about sex. He’s grateful that he passed that period.

Taehyung asked if Seokjin hated sex and he said no. It wasn’t that he couldn’t have sex either, but to Seokjin, the portrayal of sex in the mainstream media is oversaturated and overrated. He wasn’t a virgin because he explored a bit, only to conclude that sex wasn’t that great and all. It’s just sex.

Moving on from sex, the conversation continued to his plan of being a gay man in a closeted country and also an idol. That made it twice harder for them because they could experience more public scrutiny.

Seokjin told them that he’d do an arranged marriage after being an idol, have a normal life, probably move to a quiet place, and have a simple family. It’s common for his family to have an arranged marriage, and he already dealt with that fact since he was a teenager. Of course, he’ll marry a woman because it’ll be more natural in Korea.

Jungkook’s heart broke a bit hearing that Seokjin will marry a woman someday and that he approaches love in a business-like manner. On the contrary, for Jungkook, love is… divine? He couldn’t find a better word to explain what he meant. He knew that he's standard is almost unattainable, so that's the reason he looked like a hopeless romantic all these years, proclaiming that he prefers to be alone all the time.

Seokjin asked Jungkook about his plan and he was shaken from his thought. He looked at Seokjin and replied that he didn’t have a plan yet about how to come out to his family.

Meanwhile, Taehyung, who had been looking a bit uneasy since hearing Seokjin’s story, finally explained why.

Taehyung had a hardship in telling his family, mainly because he spent most times with grandparents and they had no idea about it. He asked an innocent question once if he could marry his childhood male friend. His grandparents replied, “Of course not, a boy will marry a girl.”

They brushed it off as another silly question because Taehyung often asked strange questions like "Can a sheep mate with a cow?" but it stayed in Taehyung’s mind until today. It wasn’t a direct answer, but it let him know about their stance.

The room was silent for a while until Seokjin moved closer to Taehyung, pat his shoulder, and comforted him, “But rejecting the general idea is different from having someone close to you who experience it. Maybe at first, that idea seems distant, but now that you are the one who’s in that position, I think they may begin to see things differently. Love can make you do that.”

Taehyung laid down again and mumbled, “Yeah, love. For the love of my family, I’ll try to marry girls and pretend to be straight.”

His statement deeply saddened Seokjin. He wanted to be on Taehyung’s side, but he also knew that it wasn’t right to trick a woman to marry a gay man because it’ll destroy the woman’s self-esteem. She’d feel unwanted and unloved because his husband refused to touch her.

Seokjin would talk with Taehyung about that someday, but that night he only suggested, “If you really want to do that, find someone who knows the truth and make an agreement with her.”

Taehyung was interested in Seokjin’s idea. He asked, “Agreement like what?”

“Well, since I grew up learning about business, that sort of agreement isn't strange. We all want to survive this harsh life," Seokjin confided.

Taehyung gasped. “Hyung, sometimes I feel like you’re so different. You’re coming from an elite world that Jungkook and I don’t understand. And yet you’re here with us cramped in this small bed. Do you know about things like that, Jungkook?” asked Taehyung while pointing at Jungkook who simply shook his head.

Seokjin diverted the conversation about his family, “That’s not important about me.” Once again, he assured Taehyung, “Taehyung-ah, if you had a hard time, you can talk to me, okay? Maybe I could help to explain to your grandparents.”

Taehyung sat and threw the pillow to Seokjin. He said, “Ah hyung, that’s too much. I know you already have too much in your hand with work and university.”

Seokjin seamlessly cached the pillow and replied, “Just because others are having difficulties, it doesn't mean yours get any less difficult. Maybe I have a solution to your problem and you have a solution to mine. Win-win.”

“Hyung we’re fortunate to have you. I can’t imagine if I have no one to talk to about this.” Taehyung hugged Seokjin tightly. He then looked at Jungkook and asked him to join them.

The three of them hugged together while sitting on Seokjin’s bed.

They still had their hands on each other’s shoulders when Seokjin said, “I want to be there for you both. Coming of age isn’t an easy phase, especially if you’re a bit fluid. Normally you can find out by exploring and experimenting like what I did back then, but since you’re an idol, it’ll be challenging to do that.”

They finished the hugged and cuddled on the bed. “At least we don’t have much time to feel bad about it when we have to learn our choreography,” complained Taehyung.

“Now you’re speaking my language,” Seokjin shook Taehyung’s hand, and the three of them laughed.

They talked more that night, less serious this time and more about funny stories during shooting and tour. They needed a good laugh after all that emotional talk.

All of a sudden, Jungkook went back to the previous conversation and said, “But hyung, I’m not sure if I’m gay yet. I’m just asking,” as if to emphasize his stance. His face was agitated, yet he looked adorable for both Seokjin and Taehyung.

Both of them just smiled hearing that. After all, that statement was too familiar to them.

“Of course, Jungkook, you don’t need to explain about it,” Seokjin replied warmly and pat his hair. Jungkook lost count of how many times Seokjin pat his hair that night.

Hours later, Yoongi came home to find the three of them stacked together in the bed.

Did he hallucinate or did Seokjin has two men on his bed? He squinted and rubbed his eyes.

What the hell, Jeon Jungkook and Kim Taehyung?

He told himself to prepare for the worst if he could end up having a fourth roommate.

---

DECEMBER 2015

Jungkook was going to be 20 in less than a month. Before he reached that age, he set a target to figure out his sexual identity and talk to his family. Seokjin thought that it’s ambitious because figuring out sexual identity can take as long as you want, but that’s expected because it’s Jungkook.

One day after practice, Jungkook told Seokjin that he accomplished his goal. He showed him the text message that his father sent to him.

Dad: Son, we support you to live alone in Seoul, to go to the US, when you were 15. We believe in you. How can we not support you just because you like boys? Just tell us if you’re having a hard time because of it.

After that text, Jungkook had a long and moving conversation with his parents. He probably called his parents for two hours straight; that’s the longest he’s been on the phone. Luckily, his parents were very wise. Since they accepted it without any hurdle, Jungkook found it easier to accept his identity too.

Now Seokjin’s only concern was Taehyung, whose grandparents and parents didn’t understand the concept yet. Would it hurt him in the future? Would he feel bad about himself if he ever wanted to date a boy?

Jungkook’s question interrupted his train of thoughts, “Hyung, this doesn’t change anything about us, right?”

“If you mean to ask whether you're still allowed sleep on my bed or not, the answer is yes, you can. I’ll only reconsider it if Namjoon stopped snoring.”

Jungkook hugged Seokjin happily. He didn’t have any idea that Seokjin already knew all that because Jungkook’s parents reached out to him too. As usual, he promised Jungkook's parents to help their beloved son to feel safe and comfortable with his identity as much as he can.

On the last day of the year, Seokjin posted a message for Jungkook on Twitter for his coming of age. He couldn’t believe that it’s been almost five years since he first met him. He’s amazed by how much Jungkook had grown as a person.

Though growth is inevitable, sometimes he wanted Jungkook to stay that way so he never loses those sparkly eyes who see him as if he has given him the world.

He hoped that the upcoming years could be as heartwarming as that cold night in November.

Chapter Text

I like being independent
Not so much of an investment
But sometimes I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you till the end
-Tori Kelly, Dear No One

MAY 2016

Jungkook still thinks that 2016 is a wild year.

After that conversation with Seokjin and Taehyung, Jungkook started to be more possessive with Seokjin. He didn’t know if he’s too confident, but he sensed that Seokjin was touchier and gentler with him after he reached 20. He began to think that Seokjin might have feelings for him too.

For instance, Seokjin didn’t care that there were many cameras and other idols on ISAC. He couldn’t stay away from Jungkook and kept initiating skinship during the event. Not to mention their intense wrestle practice together that kept Jungkook wanting more.

Jungkook didn’t mind at all because he felt safe with Seokjin, even more than because he like him.

But when Seokjin mentioned the fact that they often slept together on the 2nd Muster, he questioned Seokjin’s intention of bringing that up. He knew that people might speculate about that kind of statement.

Another unique thing is he developed a sense of competitiveness. He wanted to be better than Seokjin, especially in workouts and games.

He planned to build his body ever since he started to understand how much exercise meant to Seokjin, but Big Hit forbade him from working out too much to keep the young boyish image. He only received permission to work out as much as he wants this year, so he desperately wanted to prove that he’s someone that Seokjin can look up too; that he’s an adult now.

At the same time, Seokjin admitted that he’s a bit carried away. Now that Jungkook wasn’t a minor anymore, he didn’t have to be so careful in showing his affection. He always pretended to complain about everything Jungkook do when in reality, he enjoyed it too. He simply wanted to show how close they are without being too cringe.

More than that, he’s willing to do anything to make Jungkook at ease with the constant exposure of their blurred professional and personal life. He let Jungkook touched his butt because he said that it made him feel calm. Weird, but Seokjin didn’t think too much about it. He always let the members do anything they want to him if it made them feel better.

Seokjin did see a lot of improvement too from Jungkook. He's better at interacting with people outside the members, and he said that it wasn’t so draining anymore.

The members often said that Jungkook’s coming of age is the birth of the brattish Jungkook, who loves to tease the other members. Still, besides the jokes and banters, Jungkook was quiet most of the time, especially in front of cameras. During interviews, Seokjin would encourage Jungkook here and there to speak by asking questions or dragged him to the centre. Jungkook's answer was mostly short, but he could answer with ease now. The members also gave a good reaction whenever Jungkook talked.

When Jungkook was chosen as the MC for Show! Music Core, Seokjin endlessly praised him, "Of course, there's nothing Jungkook can't do. Of course, he's good at that too."

Seokjin always believed in Jungkook more than Jungkook believed in himself.

Jungkook always believed in Seokjin more than Seokjin believed in himself.

As a result, seeing Jungkook’s improvement inspired Seokjin to be more confident on stage. With his new blonde hair during 'Fire' era, a new version of Seokjin was born. He’s more relaxed on stage; he threw jokes and hand kiss everywhere. ARMYs loved it, so it boosted his confidence more.

2016 was special because although it’s Jungkook’s coming of age, it also marks the rebirth of the shameless and funny persona of Bangtan’s Jin as most people know him today.

---

After finishing their packed promotion, the members flew to Northern Europe to shoot their first travel reality show, Bon Voyage. When they arrived there, it’s near the 16th of May, which signifies the coming of age day in South Korea.

In a proper Gwallye ceremony, there are some rituals, and boys were often given a new nickname to symbolize the beginning of his adult life. Knowing that Seokjin started calling Jungkook as JK.

Jungkook still loves that nickname to this day and will keep using it for his personal projects.

In modern days, usually, there are three things that a person should get on a coming of age day: a flower, a perfume, and a kiss.

Since Jungkook spent his day with the members, they decided to throw him a small celebration. Though Jungkook probably won't get any of the three, Seokjin still didn’t want him to miss various things that should be experienced by an ordinary young boy. So, he prepared the party seriously.

As soon as he arrived in Norway, he walked around alone to find something that he can buy later. At the accommodation, Seokjin and the members also cooked meat and ramen for the celebration.

Seokjin never realised it until years later, but he always went over the mile for Jungkook since the beginning.

Jungkook was thankful for the party, but deep inside, he didn’t feel any different. He grew older, but so did everyone. Doesn't that mean that everything stays the same? That he and everyone are stuck in the loop of static?

Norway was still cold, Seokjin was still five years older, he was still the maknae. He still didn’t understand the world—and Seokjin—and he still didn’t know how to understand them better.

Despite those rambling thoughts, his coming of age wish was pretty clear for him.

Since he’s an adult now, he braced himself to climb over the brotherzone and friendzone wall that separates him and his mat-hyung. He didn’t know what he truly wants or what’s his plan for the future yet, but he just wanted to be Seokjin’s favourite. Technically Seokjin said that he is, but he wanted to keep the position, mainly because Taehyung started creeping up to dethrone him.

It would be lying to say that he isn’t cautious with Taehyung, but he’s still his best friend, even more since they shared their vulnerabilities at that time.

He missed them being the trouble-makers together. Unfortunately, these days Taehyung was busy shooting Hwarang and spent time with his Hwarang hyung. The last time that they got together was interesting, though.

Before they were busy promoting their newest album, Jungkook and Taehyung watched porn together. To be precise, bored Taehyung invited Jungkook to watch porn with him and teach him how to find a good one. Curious Jungkook said okay, but he soon regretted his decision.

He didn’t enjoy porn at all because there’s no plot. He liked to see the buildup and how relationship progress, but porn was nauseated because someone accidentally met and just had sex wasn’t on his understanding.

That day, Taehyung also told him that he tried hooking up since he decided to be more open about his sexual orientation. Jungkook was confused; the thought of hooking up was even more unfamiliar to him.

It’s confusing for him because he’s thinking about sex a lot these days, but he couldn’t do it without building connection and intimacy first.

Jungkook remembered the sources that Seokjin gave to him. He stumbled upon the term demisexuality and instantly connected to it. He talked about it with Taehyung, and he explained that he suspected that Yoongi is just like that.

On the same day, Jungkook decided to speak to Yoongi when he found him sitting alone in the living room. He looked approachable, so after a bit of ice-breaking conversation, Jungkook asked him, “Hyung, are you familiar with the term demisexuality?”

Yoongi looked at him and said, “What? All of a sudden?”

“Demisexuality? I think I am one, and Tae hyung told me that you sound like it too. That when you watched porn—”

Yoongi almost threw away the book. He shook his head and cut Jungkook’s words. “Taehyung told you what?” he shouted in confusion.

“That you don’t enjoy… porn?” said Jungkook cautiously. Would Yoongi get angry because of his question?

“That kid, really…” Yoongi sighed hard and continued, “Well Jungkook, it’s not that I don’t enjoy porn at all, but Namjoon and Hoseok have such a poor taste. It’s not even worth the viruses that we get. Mostly my imagination and fantasy work better than porn.”

Jungkook gulped and felt that this conversation about porn was awkward, so he diverted it back to his first question and asked, “Then how about demisexuality?”

Yoongi stretched his hands lazily and answered, “I know what a demisexual is, but, I don’t know, I never feel the need to define myself formally. Sexually, musically, like am I a rapper or idol, even my personality like that MBTI thing. I’m just me. So, I don’t know if I can help you with that in particular.”

Jungkook frowned, so Yoongi continued, “But I think if you feel something, it’s always valid. Don’t doubt yourself.”

“I’m just afraid that I might be wrong,” Jungkook whispered with eyes on his clasped hands.

Yoongi pat Jungkook’s shoulders and advised him, “Then what’s the problem with being wrong? You can change later if you think that the term no longer fits you. As far as I know, things like that aren’t set in stone. Like, I’m sure that I’m straight now, but what if in the future I fall in love with a man? In life, a thought experiment like that is endless. I think it’s a part of being human, always questioning everything and constantly shaping our identities.”

Jungkook was busy digesting what Yoongi just said. He suddenly narrowed his eyebrows and replied, “Hyung, don't you think that's not a very straight statement?”

Yoongi laughed upon hearing that and groaned, “Ah, let's just say that I'm an agnostic straight then. I'm straight until I was proven wrong. I think that's what they mean by sexuality is fluid. But how could I know though since I gave my undivided attention to music?”

It’s such a Yoongi way to create his own terminology.

Yoongi is indeed a cool hyung and he sincerely wished that he could be as stoic as him. Jungkook thanked him, “That’s very helpful hyung, thank you. I feel better.”

“You’re welcome.” Yoongi was ready to reread his book, but he stopped and asked, “Why do you think you need a label in the first place?”

“Hmm, I suppose I just don’t want to be alone. To know that someone else has this kind of feeling and struggle assures me. I feel like I belong to something and someone else is walking together with me.”

“Then I’m with you, Jungkookie. I’m walking with you,” he gave a thumbs up, but then his tone changed, “Now leave me alone; I want to read before our next schedule.”

---

JULY 2016

Bangtan just finished their first day of the Osaka concert. Usually, the members will hang out after the concert, eating dinner together or simply talking about random things, including Seokjin and Jungkook.

Jungkook put his Lana del Rey’s playlist on shuffle and prepared himself to take a shower when the doorbell rang. He tightened his bathrobe and peeked through the hole.

It’s Seokjin. Jungkook opened the door instantly.

Seokjin said that he was bored and he couldn’t fall asleep, so he wanted to stay in Jungkook’s room. He brought him a piece of bread as an offering and made a dad joke from it. Jungkook laughed at his jokes. Seokjin could say the unfunniest joke ever, but Jungkook—and Jimin—would still be laughing.

Jungkook put the bread on the table after gave it a bite and told him that he wanted to take a shower first. He asked if Seokjin minds with that and the loud volume of the speaker. Seokjin said it’s okay and he didn’t mind waiting.

Almost ten minutes passed.

When Jungkook finished, he realised that he didn’t bring his clothes to the bathroom. He walked out, still in his bathrobe, and he noticed Seokjin was lying down on the bed. He's playing a game on his phone. A very ordinary action, and yet he looked remarkably hot in the loose white shirt and ripped jeans.

Seokjin was aware that Jungkook had finished his shower, so he called him, “JK, come here. Honestly, I’m here to ask you to give me a massage. Will you help your hyung?”

Since Seokjin's neck injury during the K-Con in France, Jungkook often massaged his neck and shoulder. He liked it and said that Jungkook has the best hands out of all the members. No wonder that Seokjin came to him that day.

Slowly, Jungkook walked towards him and sat on the edge of the bed. Seokjin closed his game and sat in front of Jungkook. “Here, here,” he pointed to his shoulder and said, “I know you’re a good boy, JK. Come help me.”

“What will I get in return?” asked Jungkook playfully.

“Hey, I gave you a piece of bread. Isn’t that enough?” Seokjin looked at Jungkook to see him blew raspberries. Then he corrected his offer, “Okay then, you’ll get one coupon for a massage from your hyung. You can use it anytime. Deal?”

Seokjin asked him for a fist bump and Jungkook took the offer by touching his fist on his. He began to massage Seokjin’s shoulders carefully.

Nothing special. It’s a usual gesture between the members. It’s just a massage.

But the atmosphere was different for Jungkook. He could feel himself burning.

Seokjin unintentionally fueled the heat by moaning unceremoniously.

Jungkook knew so well that Seokjin was like that with everyone. He’s very much aware that his hyung always gave a loud reaction like that. But why did he have to be so cruel? Didn’t he think of this poor gay boy's feeling?

Meanwhile, in another room, Taehyung turned on the Vlive. ARMY gave him an idea to visit one of the members’ room. Taehyung wasn’t sure at first, but he changed his mind because it could be interesting. He asked for the room numbers in the group chat, and Namjoon sent the list of all the members’ room numbers.

Room 1112.

He wanted to be there. His one and only maknae wouldn’t dare to refuse him, would he?

He sent a message to Jungkook to let him know that he’d be coming to his room, but he didn’t wait for a reply. He just stormed off his room and went straight to find Room 1112. It’s not his first time to visit Jungkook’s room without warning, so he didn't think much about how his sudden visit would unfold afterwards, leaving something that couldn't be erased.

Back in room 1112, Jungkook’s phone notification beeped.

Jungkook, who desperately need a distraction, stood up to see his phone that was left on the table. Before he had a chance to reply to the message, Seokjin followed Jungkook and gave him a back hug.

“Who’s that?” whispered Seokjin on Jungkook’s ear. His body pressed on him and his chin tickled his neck.

That’s it.

Jungkook couldn’t take it anymore.

We get down every Friday night, dancin’ and grindin’ on the pale moonlight.

Jungkook wasn’t sure if it’s an adrenaline rush from the concert, his raging hormones from finally being a legal adult, or if Lana’s song hypnotized him, but Seokjin was sure bewitching.

At that moment, he had a sudden courage booster. He turned around, put his hands on Seokjin’s chest, pulled his body closer to Seokjin, and kissed him.

It happened in seconds, but the moment seemed like an eternity to him.

Seokjin was unsure at first, but he did kiss Jungkook back. His eyes widened when Jungkook’s lips touched his, but then he succumbed to it and slowly closed his eyes.

I sing the body electric, I sing the body electric baby.

Seokjin put his hands on Jungkook’s arms and caressed them softly while they deepened the kiss. It wasn't bad at all for Jungkook's first time. Who taught him to use his tongue like that?

They stayed like that for a while until Jungkook’s hand moved lower from his chest to his pants, which made Seokjin panicked and stopped him. He broke the kiss and cupped Jungkook’s face with his hands as if he wanted to tell him something.

Suddenly the bell rang. Both of them looked into the door in sync, and the rest is history.

Jungkook went to the door and found out that Taehyung was on Vlive. Seokjin mouthed to him to not open it. They argued, but Jungkook decided to accept him because what would people think if he refused to open the door?

Left with no time for a plan, Seokjin hid in the bathroom, while Jungkook finally opened the door to greet Taehyung.

The Vlive was a total mess. Jungkook was too nervous. Even when he sang ‘Dear No One’ as Taehyung’s request, his eyes couldn’t leave the bathroom.

Seokjin heard all the commotion. He knew that Jungkook wouldn’t say anything to Taehyung no matter how uncomfortable he was, especially in front of a live stream. And Taehyung could go on for hours talking about any random things that came into his mind.

Considering that Seokjin decided to text Taehyung. He told him that he's taking a shower in Jungkook’s bathroom, and he had to leave to give him privacy. Taehyung was confused to hear that. Nonetheless, he abruptly decided to leave after he received the text from Seokjin.

He didn’t care if Jimin, whom he wanted to visit next, hadn’t answered his text yet. His gut feeling told him to stay away from the situation as soon as possible; he must save himself from trouble.

When Taehyung left, Jungkook stormed into the bathroom; he cried, “Hyung… Why…?”

Jungkook didn’t understand why Seokjin didn’t want to meet Taehyung, but then he slowly recognized that he told Taehyung that he’s naked to buy time. How stupid was that?

“Why did you open the door?” shouted Seokjin. He slammed the bathroom door. Seokjin, who was equally nervous with Jungkook, lost control.

What the hell just happened? One wrong move and they could ruin their entire career and the group.

Seokjin and Jungkook stood in silence for minutes, stared at each other with restlessness on their eyes. They didn’t know how to respond or how to act.

When Seokjin started to get calmer, he consoled Jungkook, “I’m sorry, JK, for shouting. And I’m sorry for making things awkward. I’ll go to my room now and let’s talk tomorrow. I promise. Take a rest, okay?”

Seokjin pat Jungkook’s back and went out from his room, leaving Jungkook who still froze in silence. He couldn’t process anything. He wanted to disappear into the void immediately.

Later that night, Jungkook sent a text Seokjin,

Jungkook: Hyung, I’m sorry. I won’t bother you again. I’m sorry.

Seokjin: I’m sorry too. Let’s talk tomorrow in person after the concert.

One hour later, Seokjin’s phone notification chimed. The screen lightened up and the pop-up notification appeared.

Jungkook: Hyung, am I undesirable?

Seokjin already fell asleep.

---

A strange occurrence just happened today. Jungkook made a mistake during the concert. It's a minor one, but it's unusual for someone who always aims for perfection like him.

Seokjin was determined to set things straight with Jungkook immediately, but their schedule was full. Post-concert, he had to record a commentary of Jungkook’s appearance on Celeb Bros variety show with Jimin.

After they finished, Seokjin went back to his room, washed up for a bit, and prepared for a meal. He wanted to eat together with Jungkook and sorted out yesterday’s mishap together. He went to Jungkook’s room only to find out that he’s not there.

As Jungkook was slow to respond to a text, he asked the manager who told him that Jungkook was on Jimin’s room. He went there and brought the tray of foods there, including one more portion for Jimin.

He didn’t know that Jimin was on Vlive until he entered the room.

Seokjin tried hard to control his emotion. Why's everything have to be on the screen? He just wanted to talk with Jungkook, and yet they didn’t have time for only the two of them.

He got even more nervous when Taehyung decided to join the Vlive. It’s still clear on his mind how lost he was yesterday when Taehyung came to Jungkook’s room.

The whole Vlive was another torture because Jimin couldn’t stop teasing them to the point that Seokjin choked on his food. That brat Taehyung, he must’ve said something to his best friend.

Jungkook left angrily as soon as the live stream ended after saying goodbye, but Seokjin stayed and explained the misunderstanding to Jimin and Taehyung. He stripped off his prestige as a hyung and begged them not ever to mention that incident again. To him, to Jungkook, or to anyone else, even the other members.

Seeing his mat-hyung was that desperate, Jimin and Taehyung felt really sorry. They promised to be more careful in the future. They're ready if Seokjin would scold them, but he didn’t. That only heightened their admiration towards Seokjin's emotional maturity.

That night after another Vlive, Seokjin decided to give Jungkook time again.

---

The next day when they just arrived in Nagoya, Seokjin was quick to tell the members that he and Jungkook won’t be able to attend tonight’s team dinner. He needed to secure his chance before their time was taken away again.

Jungkook didn’t know anything about Seokjin’s plan, but he just followed.

They finally talked together that afternoon in Jungkook’s room. Seokjin wanted to make sure that everything’s okay, and Jungkook didn’t have to embarrassed about that.

They sat face to face—Seokjin on the chair and Jungkook on the corner of the bed.

Seokjin’s eyes never left Jungkook, but Jungkook couldn’t look at him. His eyes were glued to the floor and he’s busy playing with his fingers.

Seokjin touched Jungkook’s hand and said, “I won't talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable, but I assure you everything's okay. I already talked with Taehyung and Jimin too. They won't ever mention it again. You don’t have to worry, and they’re very sorry about yesterday.”

They better be sorry, Jungkook screamed internally. He didn’t know what to talk and he didn’t have any logical explanation of his behaviour towards Seokjin. The thought of that alone was enough to embarrass him to death, but then he had to endure the way Taehyung and Jimin acted yesterday. It made him feel even more guilty.

“Jungkook, I don’t hate you. I was just shocked. I was beyond nervous. I wasn’t in the mood to be on camera, and I was angry with the situation in general, that’s why I hid in the bathroom and went back to my room afterwards.”

Jungkook finally looked at Seokjin and just stared at him with his big eyes.

“It’s partially my fault for leading you the wrong way," Seokjin reassured. "My reaction was inappropriate. I’m sorry for being insensitive about how my actions could affect someone. I don’t know about that... if you know what I mean. I'm sorry for confusing you. Your reaction is perfectly understandable especially since you're still figuring out many things about yourself.”

Jungkook nod. He remembered what Seokjin said before. Maybe Jungkook's the 90%. But only with Seokjin. However, he's not confused at all. To him, he's sure that the kiss is real, not just some sort of a sexual release because they're put in a suggestive mood.

Rather than talking more about their feelings, Seokjin ended the conversation with a piece of advice. He said, “You have to be able to say no, JK. If you can’t do it, it'll put you in many disadvantageous situations. It could be anything, let’s say you’re in the middle of a hookup someday. You have to protect your privacy. The consequences could be worse for us because we’re guys. Next time, be careful, okay?"

Jungkook walked him to the front of the door. He waved his hand and said, "I love you, Jungkook.”

“I love you.”

“Now, I want to see you laugh before I leave.” Seokjin pinched Jungkook’s belly and Jungkook laughed hearing that silly request. “Okay, now we’re cool?” asked Seokjin.

Jungkook nod again and gave him a fist bump. Seokjin walked to his room while saying goodbye and throwing Jungkook a flying kiss.

They got over it.

Jungkook knew that he could trust Seokjin’s ability to forget things. No one ever talked or even slightly mentioned about that embarrassing day anymore. He sometimes thought if that day really happened or how much his memory was distorted.

But there's something that he certain of. Deep in his heart, Jungkook felt like his feeling was crushed before it's given a chance to bloom.

After finishing six cups of instant hot ramen to relieve his stress, he realised that he didn’t say anything besides I love you that night.

In his room, Seokjin also realised that he didn’t talk about how beautiful Jungkook was and that his insecurity was nonsense.

Seokjin was very confident that anyone would find him attractive. But Seokjin’s a gentleman. He'd never do anything with someone who's still in high school, no matter how much he cared about him. He has a strong moral compass; that's just how his family raised him.

He closed his eyes and prayed that his thought would reach Jungkook.

Considering the achievement of Bangtan by the end of the year, the actions that were done, the things that were left unsaid, and both of their transformation over the year, those are the reasons Jungkook still thinks that 2016 was a wild year.

Chapter Text

There are a lot of things
I want to do together with you
While waiting for you to get used to it
I’m the one who found your love
Please, look at me like that
-George, Look at Me

DECEMBER 2016

Thanks to the success of The Most Beautiful Moment in Life Tour, Big Hit set them to move to a bigger dorm in September.

After what happened in Osaka, Jungkook erased his wish to be a roommate with Seokjin to avoid another foolish mistake. They’re back to their usual selves, but Jungkook thought that maybe it’d be better for them to have a separate room and only visit each other once in a while as he needed to control himself.

He chose to have the smallest bedroom on the walk-in closet beside Jimin and Hoseok’s room. As long as he could be alone, he’d be okay with any room size. Seokjin stayed together with Yoongi and his ex-roommate Namjoon roomed together with Taehyung.

Now that he couldn’t use Namjoon’s snore as an excuse, Jungkook must find a new strategy.

After the busy promotion time of ‘Blood, Sweat, and Tears’ finished around October, Jungkook often invited Taehyung to visit Seokjin’s room because he was shy to do it alone. Yoongi was a night owl, which meant that he spent most nights in the studio, so they didn’t have to worry about bothering him.

The three of them did many things together: talking, helping each other practice, playing games, there’s always something to do. There’s never a dull moment with the three of them.

Seokjin often told them that he’s the landlord, while Jungkook and Taehyung were the tenants. At one point, Seokjin even asked both of them to pay a monthly rent to him.

None of them gave him anything in return except unconditional support for their beloved hyung.

When they’re not on Seokjin’s room, Jungkook and Taehyung were often together with Jimin.

Jungkook loved it when they could play and have fun together, but he’s wary when Jimin and Taehyung started talking about deep stuff. Both of them were very open to each other, but he didn’t feel comfortable yet to share much about himself, including his vulnerabilities.

Or was it because he didn’t know himself?

It’s still clear in his memory when Jimin asked him at their after-practice hangout, “Our maknae, why do you want Jin hyung to see you as a man so bad? That cover of ‘Coming of Age Ceremony’ was also the idea of yours.”

Taehyung also provoked him, “Ooh, are you going to be the bad boy Jungkookie?”

This was precisely the reason Jungkook didn’t talk much to people. He didn’t like it when people started to question his inner life. Besides, why was that? What’s the correct answer to that question?

Jimin’s question arose when they prepared for the year-end award performance. Jungkook would be the lead to cover Rain’s ‘Rainism.’ The three of them stayed to practice alone after the schedule.

Honestly, it’s Jungkook fault. He’s the one who’s slipped and asked, “Do you think Jin hyung will stop seeing me as a child after this?”

After being silent for several minutes while digesting Jimin’s question, Jungkook uttered the most plausible reason, “Because he’s the eldest. If he sees me that way, the others will follow. I hate the way that he helps me with everything. I want to give something, not just at the receiving part.”

Taehyung nodded in agreement. He replied, “Jungkook, honestly, I feel the same way about hyung. It feels like he has this thick wall.”

Jungkook was relieved because Taehyung’s saved him with that statement. He wasn’t alone in feeling that.

Jimin moved to sit beside Taehyung, nudged his shoulder, and asked, “Doesn’t Hoseok hyung has that kind of wall too? Right, Taehyung?”

“I believe so… It’s always the most different on-screen and off-screen. But maybe since he’s an extrovert, he seemed more open and less aloof.” Taehyung opened the water bottle and sipped a drink.

He looked at Jungkook, who’s circled by a vast dark cloud around him, and encouraged him, “Don’t be sad, Jungkook. For Jin hyung, the least I can do is to hype him up when he feels bad about dancing. But you, you always with him in the dancing room and the hotel room, teaching him.”

Jungkook wiped the sweat on his face and sighed, “But that seems so… professional. The work thing, because we’re Bangtan. Hoseok hyung helps him too. I mean to help him personally…”

“Why don’t you ask him then?”

A homerun from Jimin. Jungkook, who was stunned by the question, stood up and asked them to have a late-night snack instead. He excused himself to go to the bathroom first. He couldn't possibly say that it's because he liked Seokjin so much and he wanted to kiss him again so bad—and maybe do something more than just a kiss. But in order to have that, Seokjin must see him as a man first; he concluded that it's the boundary between them that he had to tackle. In the meantime, he must be satisfied with a pat on his hair and a back hug. Still better than nothing.

At the company lounge, Jimin and Taehyung glanced at each other. They couldn’t understand why both Seokjin and Jungkook were so oblivious. They're not the only one who noticed the constant adjustment between them to match each other’s age and to make each other happy. How could everyone notice it except for them?

When Jungkook came back, Taehyung prepared his phone to order takeaways. They were busy choosing the menu when Jimin took a risk to ask Jungkook, “Yah, Jeon Jungkook, you like Jin hyung, right? You just went to the bathroom; now you can’t escape again.”

Taehyung stopped typing and Jungkook stopped his serious consideration between spicy chicken or fruit chicken that Seokjin recommend to him back then. He looked at Jimin sharply, but he didn’t say anything. Seeing him, Jimin ranted, “It’s okay if you don’t want to answer, but I think it’s kind of obvious. Have you seen the Chuseok greetings live stream? I bet you both don’t realise how close you are, but we kind of do. I’m sorry, I’m just speaking the truth.”

Jungkook sulked. He knew it’d be pointless to deny anything, so he just replied, “Then buy me something if you’re really sorry, hyung. And there’s nothing between Jin hyung and me.”

Jungkook’s mouth felt bitter after saying that.

After Taehyung placed the order, he quickly said, “Hey Jungkook, just because you don’t call it a crush doesn’t mean that it’s not a crush. People called God with different names, yet they refer to the same God.”

That God reference was unexpected, but Taehyung was right.

At this point, Jungkook was sure that he likes Seokjin, but admitting it to the other members was another story. He’s still unsure about what to do with his feelings.

Is dating your bandmates possible? What if they break up? What if they fight? What if the members have a hard time because of them? Because they're gay and it's not acceptable here? It’d be a risky path to take, and he knew that Seokjin prefers something safe and stable.

When people made a fuss about an arranged marriage, Seokjin simply accepted it because he understood that it’d be the most beneficial decision for him. In Seokjin’s words, “The members don’t know each other and yet we live together well. I believe it’s no different from an arranged marriage. If I could do it with six dongsaeng, then I could make it work with a woman.”

Jungkook never thought of it that way. Seokjin’s full of calculation for the future and how different paths might or might not be suitable for him. No wonder that the main thing that he taught Jungkook as soon as he began to earn money was to invest and prepare for his post-idol life.

Post-idol.

That’s just how visionary he was.

Seokjin might not have a plan for next week or next month, but he approached the far future meticulously. Finding himself crushing hard on a man like Seokjin who's five years older than him pushed him to be mature. He always tried to match his mindset with him. So, when the question about his relationship with Seokjin arrived, he always put himself in Seokjin’s position.

Will it coincide with his plan? Will he find it bothersome? Will he find it wrong?

Most importantly, will he look at him like that?

Until he found the right answers for those questions, he decided to keep it hidden.

No matter how long it takes.

---

MAY 2017

Jungkook and Seokjin graduated together but separately in February 2017. Jungkook from high school and Seokjin from the university.

Jungkook could attend his graduation with his parents and all the members. It made him feel less lonely because he’s rarely at school, so he didn’t have many friends. High school for him didn’t leave a long-lasting impression. Honestly, he only wanted to graduate quickly to do his own thing. He’s never a fan of school anyway.

Since Seokjin invited Jungkook to come to his graduation, he’s been looking forward to it. He wanted to see Seokjin wearing a graduation robe and cap, then meet his family. He would look graceful on that. Besides, Jungkook and the other members didn’t attend a physical university, so they wouldn’t have a chance to experience a real university graduation.

However, to this day, he still doesn’t understand why Seokjin couldn’t attend his graduation just because of an award show.

He’s still upset about it because he knew it’s almost impossible to finish a dissertation when you’re constantly on world tours. His mind went back to the night he accompanied Seokjin, who’s glued to his laptop in between practices and rehearsals. Crazy times. Jungkook would give up if he was Seokjin.

But Seokjin did all of that without complaining, and he accepted the company’s decision patiently. So, yeah, maybe he’s even more pissed than Seokjin himself.

Jungkook was also pissed for a different reason, his inexpressiveness.

Seokjin’s graduation ended up as a small celebration that the members conducted backstage.

That day he never left Seokjin’s side to cheer him up with jokes and banters, but when the Vlive started, someone else stole the show. He’s jealous of Taehyung, Jimin, and Hoseok, who could easily express how much they care for the other members.

He might not show it, but deep inside, he wanted to be a more eloquent and warmhearted person like them, especially to Seokjin. But every time he tried to do something sweet to him, he overthought, then someone else would do it first, leaving him loss for words all over again.

After they wrapped up the live stream and everyone else was out of the room, it’s finally his time to step up. Jungkook took the opportunity to talk to Seokjin personally.

Seokjin was folding his graduation robe when Jungkook pulled Seokjin’s shirt and said, “Hyung, I graduated now. I wasn’t a high school boy anymore. And now you graduated too. Let’s start anew.”

Did Jungkook read Seokjin’s mind from that night on Nagoya? Maybe.

Seokjin could only guess what he implied, but he just smiled and hugged him. He patted Jungkook’s head and whispered, “Thank you for growing up together with me, JK. Thank you for being with me through all of this.”

He looked at Jungkook and noticed his sour face. “It’s okay, Jungkook. I’m okay. It’s just graduation. Now come on,” said Seokjin while pushing Jungkook’s back which soon turned into a playful fight.

They went together to meet the others.

---

Growing up.

Although Jungkook passed his coming of age and graduation, he still felt that nothing really changed for him as a person. He always compared his self in relation to what happened around him. Bangtan, or today more known as BTS, had grown a lot these past years. Anyone could spot a striking difference between a 2013 Bangtan Sonyeondan and a 2017 BTS. The way they work, live, and gain financial rewards were improved significantly.

He thought about the members and noticed that some of them also experienced a drastic change. Namjoon was no longer the monster, Taehyung was no longer the alien, and Jimin was no longer the mochi. Also, Jimin recently had a girlfriend from a popular girl group that he’d been crushing on for a year.

Everyone’s growing up.

Everyone’s maturing.

But Jungkook? He believed that the 2013 Jungkook and the 2017 Jungkook is still the same. Despite his appearance, he’s still that anxious boy. He just learned to control everything better.

The hardest part of growing up for Jungkook was that he didn’t have enough time to think about growing up. Except when he wrote a concept for his song, he rarely reflected on his self beyond the celebrity façade.

Right after his graduation, he must prepare for The Wings Tour that spanned across 12 countries. And so, there was he, living in between aeroplanes and hotels, confusing when and where. He had a fast-paced life, and yet he felt stagnant—a parallax between his persona and the real him. The members always tease Jungkook for his broad interest but short commitment in trying new hobbies, but for him, it’s an attempt to find himself.

Lately, he intended to know himself better and create a new identity. He would love to be known as the adult Jungkook, not a baby Jungkook.

When you’re an ordinary person, you can create a new identity easily. When you’re meeting someone whom you haven’t seen in years, they’ll acknowledge your change without much question. But the public saw Jungkook grew up in front of their eyes. It means that his past selves will always haunt him.

There were times when he didn’t understand what people expect from him.

On one hand, people demanded him to do adult things: earning money, being responsible for each word and gesture, being a good role model, but on the other hand people seemed to prefer seeing him as a child and act cute. That confused him. He could be 50, and he’d still be expected to be the baby of the group.

Around this time, Jungkook wanted to be a man so bad, but he forgot to ask the most critical question: what makes a man? Is it masculinity or something else?

The easiest way that he could think of was to express himself through what he wore. He ditched his white shirts and Timberland to try what he called a cool boyfriend look. He tried to incorporate more black outfits and tight clothes to his fitting. People often confused him with Yoongi during that period.

He also thought that being a man is all about strength and power, so he tried to show that. He built his muscles by endlessly working out and show his power by teasing the other members more, especially to the poor Jimin and Taehyung.

He tried to do more things to impress Seokjin, such as wearing his acupuncture slippers when he’s tired and ripping out a whole pineapple with his bare hands. Seokjin was impressed for a while, but he still teased him like a kid, especially during their Bon Voyage trip to Hawaii.

Moreover, after Taehyung’s fight with Seokjin on Newark, the two of them spent more time together to patch everything up and understand each other better. Jungkook thought that it’s a reasonable thing to do as a team, but he’d be lying if he didn’t feel a hint of jealousy.

Would Seokjin like Taehyung more because he’s more like an adult—and a man—these days? It certainly could happen, right? Both of them liked boys.

He thought about that a lot.

He thought about that when he lounged at the balcony and gazed at Palawan beach alone. It’s a quiet night when he couldn’t fall asleep. He hummed any song that came into his mind while basking under the moonlight.

His reverie was interfered by the two people who sleep the latest in the group, Taehyung and Jimin.

They joined Jungkook seamlessly but shortly engaged in their own conversation when they noticed that Jungkook wasn’t in the mood to talk.

Jungkook was indifferent until Taehyung spoke about his adoration to Seokjin and how he handled their conflict in a very mature way.

“What? Why are you suddenly standing up here? You’re weird,” said Jimin.

Taehyung tried to read Jungkook’s poker face and decided to tease him instead, “Why, Jungkookie? So what if I like Jin hyung? If I’m not mistaken, you said that there’s nothing between you two, right?”

Jungkook sulked, but he still didn’t say anything and moved back to his lounge chair. Jimin, who noticed the uneasiness in Jungkook’s face said, “Taehyung, don’t tease him like that, he’s a sensitive kid.”

“Well, he better does something,” replied Taehyung coldly.

Jungkook left the balcony after saying good night to Taehyung and Jimin. They didn’t show any sign that they’d sleep soon.

When he’s back in the room and ready to sleep, Jungkook sent Taehyung a message. It’s a rare occurrence when Jungkook texted any of the members first.

Jungkook: Hyung, do you really like Jin hyung?

Taehyung: Of course, he’s my favourite hyung.

Jungkook left it on read.

---

SEPTEMBER 2017

The way the members interpreted love in music matured over the years. They created lyrics that are more gender-neutral and more inclusive—celebrating various types of love.

Their latest 'DNA' comeback was full of queer imageries with all kind pride flags that can be spotted everywhere in the music video and stage costumes. Knowing that some of the members are also a part of the spectrum, it’s the least that they can do to support because they couldn’t voice it explicitly.

Jungkook was grateful for that.

But even with the various types of love, what is love? What’s the bottom line of that various types of love?

He remembered the past radio interviews and prepared an answer if someone asked Jungkook about his idea of love. It’s been a while since the album talked about love. After several days of pondering during breaks, he concluded that it’s similar to the one portrayed on Kimi no Nawa, a movie that he recently finished.

He believed in love at first sight.

The kind of divine love that was fated by the universe. A circumstance that when you met the person, the universe would send you a sign. A bell chime, an electric spark, a halo around the head. If not that, at least he could get a claircognizant knowledge that told him that he's the one for him.

That’s why he’s confused about his feeling to Seokjin, who’s been with him since 2011. It’s just so ordinary. Nothing special happened.

Jungkook didn’t hear a bell chime when they first met, but his affection and adoration to him grew stronger day by day.

Seokjin didn’t give him butterflies on his stomach, but Seokjin erased the butterflies on his stomach.

Did it mean that his idea of love is wrong? That apparently, he knew nothing about love? Thinking about love and actually feeling love could result in very different ideas.

A piece of advice from Yoongi brought him back to reality, “Sorry to burst your excitement, but isn’t the point of being a demisexual is that you can’t fall in love until you have an intense emotional connection with the person? Then how in the world are you going to experience love at first sight?”

Yoongi was absolutely right.

Apparently, even Jungkook’s ideal type of love betrayed his identity. What a bummer, so he’s back to square one to think about what love means to him. He still needed that magical feeling; will he ever experience that?

---

When’s there’s no practice, shooting, or working out, Jungkook stayed in his room too often. He played games or edited videos all day to stay busy.

His jealousy with Taehyung silently ate him up. He’s jealous because ever since that performance of ‘Blood, Sweat, and Tears,’ people always praised his chemistry with Seokjin on stage, and it continued until today. Jungkook literally hanged from the ceiling during that performance, but then people were more focused on Taehyung’s and Seokjin’s ending performance that was full of sexual tension—as they called it.

Why couldn’t he have that mature image?

Why couldn’t he be the one who does that with Seokjin?

Taehyung quickly shed his childish image since then and known more for his sexy persona. Jungkook couldn’t understand why but when he did something, people just see it as cute. A baby, a bunny, the adorable maknae… He heard that a lot.

Unlike Taehyung, he couldn’t escape the nicknames that were attached to him, and it’s probably another reason for his jealousy.

Thankfully Taehyung noticed that and he spoke to him directly to finally have a heart to heart conversation.

After almost one hour of an unplanned sharing session, Jungkook connected the dots. To Taehyung, Seokjin was the second—the first one is Jungkook—who fully supported and understood him when he came out. Taehyung’s discussion with Seokjin urged him to be more open. Seokjin let Taehyung know that there’s hope for people like him, and he could find many people who would support him if he sought for them.

Thanks to his advice, he’s able to turn his frustration into ‘Stigma.’ Being the social butterfly that he was, he shortly gained connection into the hidden yet vibrant world of gays in Seoul. It further helped him a lot with the acceptance of his sexual orientation.

From that moment, Jungkook began to understand Taehyung, but he still didn’t understand Seokjin.

Though they still laughed together every time they met, he’s a bit distant. Also, Seokjin teased him all the time, even more frequently than their earlier days. Meanwhile, at the same time, he said, “I’ll allow you to hit my neck and beat me on arm wrestling. You’re the only one who can do that for me; it’s a special relationship between you and me.”

What did that even mean?

Jungkook guessed that he and Seokjin had a lot of things on their head. Things that couldn’t or shouldn’t be said. So, he went along with it.

He went along with everything.

He went along with Seokjin’s pace.

He laughed at his jokes, played along with the teasing, teased him back, massaged his neck when he’s tense. As long as he’s able to hear Seokjin’s laughing, he knew that everything was going to be okay. He learned to cherish the small things more than anything.

Only when he revisits the memories, he’s sure that Seokjin did that as an excuse to hold his hand longer without being obvious.

Another way to touch each other without being lost in the forbidden feelings.

Chapter Text

Just enough to forget you
Just enough to be alright
After the long trembling wait
Where I swallowed my tears
I will bloom once again
-Park Hyosin, Wildflower

OCTOBER 2017

If life is meaningful because it ends, then, what makes love meaningful? Is it the pain or the heartbreak?

Because for some people, including Seokjin, love is complicated.

When Jungkook desperately wished to be perceived as more mature, Seokjin yearned to be more youthful to the point that the members complained of him being too childish.

He didn’t care.

Or rather, he couldn’t care because there’s already too much in his mind. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, he’s in a complicated period in his life.

Firstly, he fought with Taehyung. It’s certainly not the first fight on the group that involves him or Taehyung, but most likely the most intense. Not to mention that they’re in the middle of shooting their first Wings tour documentary, ‘Burn the Stage.’

Seokjin felt incredibly guilty to Taehyung. It’s the one time that he slipped from his long-trained equanimity and it had to be with Taehyung, someone who already had too many concerns in his life. He tried hard to redeem his mistake and mend their relationship.

In the middle of the concert period, they had a shooting schedule for ‘Bon Voyage’ in Hawaii. Seokjin thought that it’s a good opportunity to get closer to him. Although the crew didn’t assign them for a friendship time together since they wanted to give them space to reconcile in their terms, he spent a lot of time with Taehyung off the camera. They couldn’t be separated for the first days of the trip, and the members gave them some time together.

When he’s done mending his relationship with Taehyung, Seokjin paid attention to his other dongsaeng, Jungkook. He sensed that Jungkook was a bit quiet since his fight with Taehyung. His best guess was that Jungkook felt nervous about his relationship with Seokjin.

Perhaps Jungkook finally realised that age gap does matter.

Perhaps he’s afraid that he could argue with Seokjin one day.

Perhaps Jungkook was upset because, after the fight, the other members scolded him to pay more respect to Seokjin.

Whatever it was, Seokjin didn’t want to change the nature of his relationship with Jungkook because, during the tour, he's also aware of how much Jungkook meant to him. Seeing Jungkook collapsed on stage gave him the worst feeling that he couldn't begin to describe. It's a mixed of worry, devastation, and mostly fear. He didn't know that Jungkook's wellbeing could affect him that much until that moment.

So, Seokjin’s other mission was to send Jungkook that message. He played around with him during the trip and created a special high five for them, the one when they slapped each other’s neck and kicked each other’s butt.

When Jungkook laughed, Seokjin laughed. So did the other members.

He hoped it's enough to let him know that all is well between them, and despite all, he's still his favourite.

How lucky of Seokjin to get a chance to wrote Jungkook a letter on the last day of the trip. There’s a growing need inside him to show the world about how close he was to Jungkook, but whenever he wanted to say something sweet, all he could say was a banter or a complaint.

He tried hard to make the letter funny and less serious as possible, but he hoped that his sincerity could be delivered.

Jungkook wrote him back, though he didn’t have to write one for him since Jungkook was assigned to write for Namjoon. It’s a short letter, but a subtle gesture of kindness like that is what he treasured the most from Jungkook.

Jin hyung, let’s always be as happy as we are today. I appreciate the small things that we share. I’m sorry that I didn’t wear my friendship token yesterday and I’m sorry that I left a lamp that you bought for me in Dubai. Don’t worry. It stays in my heart kekeke. -JK

The friendship token, which was a small guitar keychain that Jungkook foolishly used as an earring, fell from the ship and washed away by the waves on their last day on Hawaii. Jungkook shouted in agony when the ocean stole it.

Two times Seokjin gave Jungkook something and it didn’t even last a week, but those are just things. As long as he has Jungkook, he’d be happy. He needed nothing more than that.

On top of that, no matter how he wanted to keep his relationship with Jungkook the same, something changed.

Jungkook changed.

He noticed that Jungkook refused to be seen as the cute one in the group. He created that cool and tough persona in those days. He worked out harder than usual, even during the tours. Seokjin couldn’t keep up with him anymore.

Not only that, secondly, whenever there’s an opportunity, he’d also show how much stronger he was than before. Though the members still teased Jungkook, they started to be afraid of him. Whenever there were games during Run BTS that use physical strength, everyone was reluctant to go near him.

Seokjin complained about it once to him during Kkul FM, a radio show by the members to celebrate Bangtan’s anniversary. He was upset when Jungkook hit him harder when he hit him softly.

Instead of being on his side, the members sided with Jungkook and told him to stop teasing Jungkook.

He didn’t want to.

He didn’t know why.

All he knew was that he started to turn affectionate gestures into play-fighting: punching, boxing, neck slapping. Oddly enough, he thought that Jungkook likes those better than when he made cute gestures with him. So, he kept doing that to get Jungkook’s attention every time it started to drift to God-knows-where.

He wondered what’s on Jungkook’s mind lately. He zoned out a lot.

There’s another thing that changed in Jungkook: how he spent his free time. Maybe it’s because of the crazy schedule, but he’s quieter during those days. When he wasn’t on stage, at the company, or shooting, he spent a lot of time locked in his room. He still slept in Seokjin’s bed once in a while, but not as frequent as before.

Seokjin needed to take a step closer to Jungkook, but could it be that it’s him who moved farther?

Because, thirdly, his feeling changed.

Bangtan’s latest comeback urged them to think about love once again. This time with a broader lens than their earlier albums that solely focused on girls. This time they add self-love and all the other types of love to the equation.

Maybe that’s the reason.

There wasn’t a momentous event or gesture when his feeling was flipped. It just happened all of a sudden without any warning or omen.

The room was hot and Seokjin was sweating profusely. Dim light, cramped space, loud noise. All the things that he hated. But there he was, singing ‘Wildflower’ with Jungkook between the jacket album shooting. It’s Jungkook's favourite song that he often sang to him during the days the shared the bed almost every days.

He’s feeling nothing until the first chorus, yet when the song ended, his heart was full. He entered because he needed a distraction from the long photoshoot, yet he left the karaoke room being more distracted than ever.

Because suddenly, he stopped seeing Jungkook as a little brother that he should protect; he saw him as a man. A hard-working, kind, handsome, strong, and talented man.

Within the short duration of the song, which probably was less than five minutes, he realised that he wanted more. And he wanted much.

The intensity confused him.

It didn’t help since he already had much on his mind: Jjangu—his lifelong companion—passed away, Bangtan went to Billboard, Bangtan gained a global reputation faster than any of them expected. Everything changed so quickly. He could only hope that he can keep up with everything without losing his mind.

There were many things that he didn’t understand. One case was when Jimin wrote his name on a drawing about Jungkook on FESTA Home Party. Did Jimin know something? After what happened in Osaka, they seemed to grow closer.

Like Jungkook, Jimin’s also gifted with emotional sensitivity. Jungkook kept it to himself, but Jimin showed it by taking care of the other members.

At one dinner together in the hotel room, Jimin said to him that Jungkook was emotionless. When the other members laughed or got excited over something, Jungkook’s face wouldn’t change a bit. Even Yoongi was sometimes more expressive than him because Yoongi would show if he dislikes something. But Jungkook had a straight face even when he swore.

Seokjin didn’t notice that.

As far as he remembered, when he’s with Jungkook, he’s always smiling and laughing.

Jimin replied, “Have you compare Jungkook when he’s with you and when he’s with anyone else?”

“Not really. I watched Run BTS once in a while, and he’s happy. How is Jungkook emotionless?” Seokjin asked back.

Jimin shook his head. He seemed upset with Seokjin’s answer. Jimin argued, “Hello, because there’s you on Run BTS? Are you kidding, hyung? You really don’t know that?”

“Don’t exaggerate Jimin. You’re all important to him,” argued Seokjin back. He wanted to keep it neutral.

Maybe Jimin did exaggerate, but he didn’t care though. That’s not the point. He did it with a purpose.

Even though in reality, Jimin didn’t know anything, he did that to provoke both Seokjin and Jungkook. Jimin and Taehyung had a personal mission: they wanted them to make a move. They couldn’t bear the absurdity of their relationship.

Jimin was ready to amplify his statement more, so he tried to appeal to Seokjin’s emotion. He whined, “Hyung, try to watch our videos then. When you were together, the third person in the room would automatically be forgotten, don't you realise that too? I do, because that’s me, hyung. I don’t want to do a Vlive with both of you anymore.”

Jimin pouted and then looked away; to smile mischievously without Seokjin’s looking.

Damn Jimin for that question. It guilt-tripped him like 2014 all over again. He stopped saying that a particular person is his favourite, but apparently, it showed.

He poked Jimin’s shoulder and whispered, “I’m sorry, Jimin. I didn’t mean to do that.”

Actor Jimin was back to his sad face and consoled Seokjin, “Honestly, I’m okay, hyung. It’s normal to be closer to one or two people out of the six. Like Taehyung and me, of course, we’ll always choose each other first. No one will make it a big deal.”

Seokjin was relieved to hear that, but then Jimin added, “But I think Jungkook likes you more than a hyung or a best friend.”

Jimin threw the balls. He hoped at least one of them catch it.

---

Kim Seokjin was terrible at feelings. He had no excuse to dispute that, but he had all the reasons to feel anxious.

That stupid article.

A lazy blog post—as it didn’t deserve to be called journalism—that spread a rumour of him and Jungkook being gay for each other that swirled on the net around the middle of 2016.

He’s the kind of people who would forget anything stupid like that in a matter of minutes, even more so because Big Hit and the members didn’t see it as something worth of value to be discussed, but it’s different since he reexamined it back with his new feeling.

Knowing that something like that happened and probably would happen again in the future if he’s not careful, sort of validated his point. It’s just an insignificant source, but what if Dispatch posted something like that?

He did admit that he might be overly excited that Jungkook was finally an adult in 2016. Him being on a legal age led him to be more casual around him. Many things that he did were done unconsciously out of habit, even when they went out just the two of them, like to the waterpark and amusement park.

Wait, did he ask Jungkook out on a date several times without him realising it?

Did he accidentally buy him gifts with the pretence to use his black card first, but then refusing when Jungkook offered to pay him back?

It seemed like it.

Having a crush should be a pleasant experience. A time when you’re energised and inspired. The feeling that you can create a magnum opus and conquer the world.

But that wasn’t the case for Seokjin.

He still believed that he led Jungkook in the wrong way, especially after what happened in Osaka. Lately, there were too many questions that occupy his mind.

What did you do Kim Seokjin? Did you just raise a 15-year-old boy to seduce him later when he’s older? Did you spend so much time together with him so he couldn’t look at anyone else but you? Did you trick him into believing that you’ll date him someday? Were you sincere in all of your actions or did you expect for something more?

When the questions stopped, the blame came.

It’s disgusting to look at your maknae like that. It’s wrong to touch and caress him intimately because you’re just his brother. It must be very upsetting for his parents to know that their most trusted person betrays them like that. You'll ruin Bangtan because of your feelings, what a shame for the mat-hyung. You shouldn’t play hero to save Jungkook because you couldn’t; you’re weak for him.

Seokjin’s biggest fear is for people to see their relationship with a wrong lens; that Seokjin ‘groom’ Jungkook to be with him.

Little did people know that Seokjin was just an equally confused boy who’s new in the industry. It wasn’t a power relation because he’s also a powerless one. Besides, he chose to strip himself from his privilege as the eldest one and left everything to Namjoon as the leader.

But people would only believe what they want to believe, wouldn’t they?

Seokjin endured all of that alone because, again, he’s the eldest. Because ARMY loved his new bubbly and witty persona so much, he only wanted to show them that. Seokjin perceived himself as genuinely fake. He knew that it wasn’t him, but the real him was dull and full of negative thoughts. He sincerely tried to be a better version of himself. He aimed to fake it until he makes it.

It’s the reason he started to turn his habit to touch Jungkook into something else: more and more teasing and play fighting. No one will notice it, right? Not even Jungkook? What else should he do to get closer to Jungkook?

Suddenly he felt something creeping on his neck. He knew it. It’s Jungkook’s hand.

“Hyung, you look tense,” Jungkook almost whispered on his hear.

Just like that, all of his worries dissolved and evaporated to the thin air. He closed his eyes to savour the feeling, then opened them.

He began to notice the make-up artists, his manager, the busy backstage waiting room.

Seokjin went back to Earth.

He turned and looked at Jungkook’s eyes that were gleamed with warmth. Never in his life, he, a graysexual, wanted to kiss someone so bad then rushed to drag him into an empty room to lose all of the masks that they have to put for the world. Seeing nothing but each other's bare self, doing nothing but showing how much they mean to each other.

Desire.

It’s been long since he had one.

He said something that’s only echoed in his head.

Maybe I love you too much and I’m scared of it.

---

DECEMBER 2017

Many things happened at the end of the year for Jungkook: his trip with Jimin to Japan, the final Wings tour, and the members moved dorm again. This time to an elite area in Hannam the Hill.

Now that they all have a different room—except for Jimin and Hoseok—he wondered if it’ll be emptier. They just finished the last Asian tour schedule in October, then shortly after they embarked on almost a month-long of US promotion on November. They’re more than exhausted by the end of the year.

But one of the strangest things was when Seokjin told Jungkook to stop relying on him too much and build a connection with others. He spoke about it in a manner that’s polite and wise so that it didn’t hurt Jungkook. Nonetheless, he’s confused about the intention behind his rationale.

Although he started to act tough, honestly, he liked to be pampered.

Apparently, it’s not only the public but also him who’s attached to the idea of being the youngest in the group. The discrepancy in his attitude baffled him too. One time he’s eager to be mature, one time he refused to leave his comfort zone.

Jimin provided what he missed from Seokjin. Jimin—and Hoseok came after—still saw Jungkook as their baby. To them, Jungkook is forever their cute little brother.

Maybe it’s not that bad? Sometimes acting mature was hard for Jungkook.

Not only that, seeing how a man could be very caring like Jimin also inspires him. It’s effortless to reciprocate what Jimin did to him and all the members because he knew that it wouldn’t be awkward.

That’s the reason he only felt comfortable to give a birthday present to Jimin, including a trip together to Tokyo that Jimin wanted to do since years ago. He even made a wholesome travel vlog based on it. He wanted to invite Taehyung too as he stated multiple times that he wanted to go to Japan, but 2017 was rough for him too. After losing his grandmother and best friend, Taehyung needed more time to be alone than a trip.

Jungkook might be a little distant with Seokjin during that period, but he’s genuinely happy with Jimin and sought refugee from him. Their trip together was a sanctuary amid the crazy schedule, which made it memorable for them. Probably it’d be the last time any of the members can have a trip like that because, after ‘DNA’, things escalated quickly.

At one point after the trip, Jimin asked about Jungkook who seemed distant with Seokjin. Jungkook told him the truth about how Seokjin told him to reach out to the other members and rely on himself more.

Jimin looked a bit angry and asked, “Be honest, do you go out with me just to make Jin hyung jealous, Jungkook?”

Jungkook replied, “Hyung, I swear I didn’t think of it that way. I did feel a bit lonely, but I really like you.”

“As much as you like Jin hyung?”

“That’s…different.”

“How so? We’re both your hyung?”

Jungkook was on the verge of crying. He’s embarrassed when he had to talk about his feeling, and he felt sorry for Jimin. It’s awful, to begin with, to speak to him about that.

Sensing Jungkook’s frustration, Jimin hugged Jungkook and consoled him, “I’m sorry Jungkook if I make you uncomfortable. Please don’t think too much about it. I’m just teasing you, okay? I know that you love me.”

Jimin was used to that feeling. He experienced it since debut days when he acknowledged that Seokjin was the one who can reach into Jungkook more than him, so it’s nothing new. He didn’t doubt Jungkook’s sincerity for a bit. He’s more disappointed that Jungkook still can’t put two and two together after all these years.

The truth is, Jungkook still wasn’t ready to talk about it.

And so did Seokjin.

Minus the feeling part, Seokjin and Jungkook were still on a good-term with each other.

When Seokjin was chosen as the MC for 2017 KBS Gayo, Jungkook patiently quizzed him about the script. No matter what happened inside them, they’re still going to support each other endlessly as a team.

It’s almost at the end of the year when the members were at their lowest point in terms of energy level. It’s been a non-stop tour, promotion, and award show. Jungkook hoped that next year would be easier, less stressful, and happy. He hoped the heaviness in his chest will be lifted soon.

It's not that easy.

Just when he felt down, Seokjin said that he loved Taehyung and sent him a birthday message on national television. Yeah, he knew that it’s a session for the MCs to tell something about the members, but still… He thought he overcame it, but the traces still left.

At home, Jungkook just crawled into a baby position and blasted music on the Bluetooth speaker. This time, it’s Park Hyoshin.

The house already felt so empty.

Regardless, Jungkook grew stronger. He promised that he’d give a time for himself to indulge in his sorrow just for a night, then tomorrow he’ll be bright again.

Maybe the meaning of love is that it hurts, yet we persist.

To bloom once again after the petals were crushed; a wildflower among the roses.

Because, after all, love is a beautiful feeling.

Jungkook couldn’t wait to see Seokjin’s smile tomorrow, and he couldn’t wait to see how Seokjin would make him smile too. Just looking at each other is enough to make them happy again.

Chapter Text

A step, and another step
The dawn passes
And when that moon falls asleep
The blue shade that stayed with me disappears
-V & RM, 4 O’Clock

FEBRUARY 2017

Taehyung and Jimin love wasting time together.

Sitting beside each other, doing nothing but talking, has always been their haven. Then at a convenience store and school bus, now at a private park and wherever the plane brought them.

Coming from outside Daegu and Busan respectively, everything was surreal for them. A tranquil harmony of a simple life was soon replaced by the loud cheer, too loud than they ever dare to imagine. Now they’re on the last week at Seoul before touring across the world for the Wings tour.

They talked about anything on their mind, from the most bizarre to the least important stuff. When the air was right, the conversation would turn out into something serious, just like that day.

It didn’t take long for Taehyung to talk to his family after his first coming out to the group. He must do it, especially after writing such a vague yet explicit song like ‘Stigma’ for the album. He didn’t want them to take a wild guess about the meaning of the song and prefered to explain it himself.

Taehyung began his scheme by talking to his brother and sister first as he thought that the younger generation could take it better.

But not really.

His brother and sister were speechless. Taehyung wasn’t the best in reading facial expressions, still, he could sense that they’re scared to hear that.

His little sister put her hands on her side face and whimpered, “Hyung, what should I do about that? What should I tell mom, dad, and my friends?”

“Nothing,” answered Taehyung while hugging her. Frankly, he didn’t know about that too; he just wanted to let it out.

She didn’t say anything more besides a humble exchanged of 'I love you' while his brother went out of the room. Taehyung would deal with him later and gave him all the space and time that he needed for the time being.

Eventually, Taehyung had a heart-to-heart conversation with his parents when they visit Seoul. It was okay because it could’ve been worse.

His father was better at masking his emotion and encouraged him to be strong. He’s thankful for that, but his sympathy felt like his son just got diagnosed with a chronic illness when he’s just… gay. Pity didn't seem like the right way to respond to it. Why didn't people celebrate it instead of making it like a sure way to a life full of hardship?

His mother was more hysteric at first; blamed herself for God-knows-what and said sorry to Taehyung countless times. The sight alone was enough to broke Taehyung’s heart. Again, it felt wrong.

However, at night his mother sneaked into Taehyung's bed. Though he's half-asleep, he could feel the warm soft arms hugged him to sleep. Both of them savoured the embrace in silence until his mother whispered that she’ll always love him despite his choice of loving man or woman. They cried together without talking about anything else until both of them drifted to sleep.

Taehyung didn’t talk to his grandparents yet because he wasn’t ready. After much consideration, he didn’t know if he’d be prepared for that since his grandparents dreamt about him marrying a beautiful woman, took over their farm, and had five children since he’s a child.

Months after, his grandmother passed away without ever knowing the ‘real’ him.

He couldn’t escape the guilt, but he still couldn’t bear to talk to his grandfather. Why would he ruin his grandfather’s ‘perfect’ idea of him just to feel better about himself? He wanted his grandfather to enjoy his life instead of worrying about him and how his identity will fit in Korean society. If telling the truth was a lost cause, should he tell it? He didn't think so.

So, it didn’t surprise Jimin when in the middle of a funny story about his brother, Taehyung mumbled, “Ah, sometimes I wish I were straight. My life would be so much easier. I don’t have to explain myself to my family and have an awkward time with them.”

Jimin scooted closer to Taehyung and hugged him. When he noticed that Taehyung’s body was a little less tense, he dropped his back to the chair as if Taehyung’s burden has been transferred to him. His eyes wandered around the park when he said, “Just take a rest Taehyung-ah, it’s also their job to try to understand you. They should learn by themselves too.”

Taehyung closed his eyes and sighed, “I know it could be a lot worse like they stop considering me as a child. I’m grateful and I should be more grateful, but the feeling that they secretly want me to be different hurts too.”

A soft pat landed on Taehyung’s thigh. “I’m sorry, Taehyung. The world should’ve been kinder to you,” soothed Jimin.

Taehyung continued with his blank stare at the park and confessed, “At one point, I think it’d be easier if I weren’t close with my family; if I hated them, so I could just leave them and move along with life. But I love them. I want them to love me. I want them to be genuinely happy if I ever marry a man someday.”

“Hey, they love you, and they’ll be happy for you. Trust me. Let’s give them more time, okay?”

“Jin hyung was right. People think coming out is just a one-time event, but no. You do it endlessly throughout your life. To the family, extended family, friends, colleagues. It’s tiring.”

Jimin tried to find a pack of gum on his pocket. He offered one to Taehyung to make him a bit more relaxed, but Taehyung politely refused. So, Jimin sighed and comforted him, "I'm sorry that I can't say that I understand you because I probably don't, right? But I want to make sure that I'll always be beside you and make you feel less alone."

Taehyung smiled at Jimin. Even when he felt down like this, he’d still find a tiny consolation in knowing that he has Jimin as his friend.

He agreed with what Jimin said, “I think it’s too ambitious to say that you understand someone else. I live with myself the whole time, yet I still don't understand myself.”

Looking at Jimin who's busy contemplating his words, Taehyung stretched his arms and continued, “You know, If I didn’t go to Seoul, if I didn’t go overseas, maybe I won’t know that gay people can live a normal life; that gay people can get married and adopt kids. I can read it from the internet, but to see the reality with my own eyes gave me hope. The people that we met overseas, they can be openly gay, introduce their boyfriend to the public. I’m jealous.”

Jimin shook his feet irregularly. Taehyung was busy guessing what’s wrong with him, and there it was, an unexpected coming out from Jimin.

After navigating the world for 23 years, Jimin finally realised that he’s a bisexual.

Taehyung jumped from his seat. His big eyes popped out as if demanding more explanation from Jimin.

Jimin had been rehearsing the answer several times in his head. He recited, “I think the spectrum is narrower for men. I never find men interesting until we have a long tour and met people from different part of the world. The vibes are just different, and that intrigued me. But I find all women attractive. It’s like I’m 80% leaning towards female and 20% to male.”

“Whoa, Jimin. How do you take it?”

“Pretty chill, I guess? I hope it’s not rude to say that because you just told me about how hard you accept it at first.”

“No, I’m happy to hear that you’re taking it well,” said Taehyung while hugging Jimin and pat his back.

“I tried to research pansexuality first because that’s what Jin hyung is. But I don’t think I fit that. I have a certain trait that I seek in women and men. For example, I like cute girls, but I like strong men with a certain vibe that I can’t explain—it’s almost rare. So, gender does have something to do with the attraction,” explained Jimin.

“Whoa, it amazes me how complex a simple thing such as a crush is for people like us,” he sarcastically remarked and clapped his hands.

They smirked at each other, accepting the fate. Because what else could they do?

Jimin told Taehyung that this night wasn’t about him—they’d talk about it another night—so he encouraged Taehyung to speak up more and release all of his worries.

Taehyung recalled his days at elementary school.

He used to be bullied because he’s all happy, cheerful, and more feminine when boys were stereotyped to be cool, tough, and ‘manly.’ But in middle school, thanks to his puberty, he became so much more handsome to the point that numerous girls fell in love with him. Some of them didn’t shy away to confess. That’s how he ended up with girlfriends back then.

Him being more feminine also mean that he’s more attuned to women’s emotion; that’s why they always surrounded him. Maybe that’s another the reason behind the boys’ jealousy.

Jimin agreed with the idea of being a manly man. Back then, he thought that being a man is all about being tough and rough. He tried so hard to be one during debut days, but slowly he understood that being manly is so much more than that. He’s grateful that during the HYYH era, the members were more like themselves.

Taehyung supported his argument, “Exactly! And to see that Seokjin hyung loves pink a lot, collect plushies, and proudly cooks for us, help me to define my idea of being a man. Hyung truly broke that gender stereotype.”

“That what makes you like him?”

"Hmm," hummed him. He gazed at the night sky. “Probably. Because of the way that I was teased from being too ‘girly’ back then frustrated me, but hyung’s confident about it. He might be shy on stage at the beginning, but he never shies about himself. I adore him a lot,” he shrugged his shoulders and said, “but I gave up. I can’t beat Jungkook anyway. You know it too well, Jimin.”

“Taehyung-ah…” soothed Jimin. He knew what Taehyung meant as he often complained to Jungkook who always praised Seokjin out of all the hyung. However, it didn't mean a lot to him and he always thought that Taehyung’s crush on Seokjin wasn’t that serious. But was it? Because just then, it didn’t sound like it.

Soon Taehyung clarified that he’s just joking, so Jimin truly hoped that he told the truth. Jimin couldn’t bear to pick sides.

He tried to move from that conversation instead. “But still, some people call Jin hyung as a mom," Jimin paused to shrugged his shoulders. "They don’t have any idea that being masculine and feminine has nothing to do with gender. Or that wearing pink and cooking have nothing to do with that too.”

“Jimin, why are you beyond wise today?”

“It’s because it’s almost 4 AM and my brain is probably shrinking.”

Taehyung turned his face towards Jimin and gave him an intense gaze, asking, “Ah, really? Do you need to sleep?”

“No, I prefer to listen to your story, Taehyung,” answered Jimin quickly.

What a beautiful night. A wind blew. His thought flew. What else should he express?

“I don’t know Jimin. I feel like I have a crush on everyone—Seokjin hyung, Hoseok hyung, Hyungsik hyung, Bogum hyung, to name a few. But Hoseok hyung is always number one. The second and third place changes over time, though. So, I don’t know if I can call a crush as love yet.”

Jimin was relieved. It’s Hoseok, then.

But Taehyung still sounded sad, so Jimin tried to come up with something that could cheer him up. He put on his cutest face, then he pouted and whined, “Huh? Why am I not there?”

“I don’t put someone who’s taken.”

“But figuratively, will you put me?”

“Maybe?”

“Yeah,” shouted Jimin. He tilted his head and smiled proudly. He didn’t forget to give a thumbs up to himself.

Taehyung gave Jimin a sharp look. He pinched Jimin’s chin and gave him a warning, “Hey bi, don’t play with a gay person's feeling if you’re going to end up with girls.”

Jimin panicked. "Really? I’m sorry Taehyung… Sometimes my joke is inappropriate.”

“It’s okay Jimin, I now you have no ill intention, but you have to be careful with your habit of flirting with everyone.”

“Flirting comes after breathing for me, Taehyung.”

Taehyung pushed Jimin lightly and teased him, “Oh my God, how could she keep up with you.”

Jimin shouted proudly, “Of course, she does. Because although I flirt with everyone, I already chose her.”

Taehyung shook his head as if demanding more explanation, so Jimin added, “That’s the keyword. Flirting. To everyone. No one’s special, and no one gets pasts that. But with my girlfriend, I put all the efforts, not just the flirt. To me, flirting is simply a way to get close with people; to help them open up and make the situation less awkward.”

Taehyung learned something new from Jimin that night. Unfortunately, it reminded him of how lonely he was and how much he wanted to be in a relationship. He confided, “Reason number two of why Kim Taehyung wish he were straight… He doesn’t have to have a crush on a straight boy or busy guessing if the person is straight or gay before making a move.”

“Don’t you have a gaydar?”

“It’s not always accurate. And by the way, shouldn’t you have one too? The four of us could talk about boys together.”

“Ah, Jungkook is hopeless," Jimin screamed in frustration. "That kid. He only has Jin hyung in his eyes. And Jin hyung never showed any physical attraction to anyone too. Not men or women.”

Taehyung giggled and stated, “I guess it’s just the two of us then. But Jimin, imagine this, instead of wishing if I was straight what if I wish everyone was gay instead?”

Taehyung’s expression and gesture were super cute. Jimin could tell that he’s serious with that statement. He teased, “Taehyung-ah, the human population will extinct.”

“Ah, I guess you’re right. But shouldn’t scientist try to make babies? You know, technology. Maybe we can choose the baby’s appearance too like choosing an avatar! I’ll definitely give my baby blue eyes.”

“Whoa, your imagination.”

“I’m serious Jimin, think about it. The world full of gays will be a happier world. Look, the word gay itself means happy.”

“You’re strange, that’s why I like you,” said Jimin while poking Taehyung’s cheek.

It warmed him. He hoped that there’d be no second dumpling incident because he couldn’t bear the thought of being away from Jimin for long.

“I’m glad that we’re close now and can have this kind of conversation again. I really really really miss you,” Taehyung gushed

“I miss you too, but not going to lie I’m still petty because you’re the reason the members can blackmail me with those embarrassing drunk photos. Even the youngest has it!"

“I’m sorry, Jimin,” coaxed him while nudging Jimin’s shoulders softly. “I think you and I have the most beautiful moment at dawn. The time we made up after that fight, tonight’s conversation…”

“I’m still not over that you’re not talking to me for almost a week because of that.”

Taehyung laughed. To think of it, they didn’t know why a small problem like that could be escalated into such a big fight. It’s silly.

Still, they’re thankful because it strengthened their bond more.

They prepared to get back to the dorm since it’s almost dawn. At least they should get 2 hours of sleep to function well. They were busy zipping their jackets when Taehyung said, “Jiminie, I’ll make you a song.”

“All of a sudden?”

“Yeah, why not? It'll be fun.” He gave Jimin his most beautiful smile by the end of his sentence.

Taehyung can’t put it into words eloquently, but in reality, he just wanted to savour every precious moment that he experienced in a song. Like a camera, but with music and lyrics.

Finally, that’s the end of their late-night conversation.

The two men walked back to their dorm. Now the blue shades that hang upon one of them had disappeared. Jimin rested his head on Taehyung’s shoulder and whispered, “Taehyung-ah. If we're 40 and still single, let's seriously consider living and growing old together then. Let's adopt children too.”

“Promise?”

They intertwined their pinky fingers and Jimin replied, “Promise, my soulmate. Let’s be happy."

Even if happiness is just a pipe dream, they'll make sure that it's a lucid dream.

Chapter Text

When things were so hard that I was tired of living
When nothing was going my way
When I hadn’t even seen my family
And even I wasn’t important to myself
All of my life, you're all of my life
-Park Won, All of My Life

FEBRUARY 2018

JK, I always love you and like you. Be healthy and happy.

The words greet Jungkook like the first flower that bloomed on spring, but why did the emptiness persist?

Jungkook knew that he should be happy. After sulking over Seokjin’s message to Taehyung at KBS Gayo, Jungkook received one during the GDA backstage interview. What made it better was that it’s an impromptu message that captured his honesty. He also called him with the nickname.

So, he should be grateful. But it felt different that time.

Maybe it’s because of the word.

Always.

Though the members never explicitly said that they’d always be together forever—or for a long time if forever is too ambitious—Jungkook was confident that they silently made that promise. He thought that they all have the same mindset about Bangtan.

But one day, when the long-anticipated question finally arrived and he immediately answered, “Of course we’re going to extend the contract for seven more years. Is that even a question? Right, everyone?” the others were silent.

He scanned the room and the look at the members’ face—the six of them. From left to right, then back to the left. They’re all lost in their own world, deliberating something that Jungkook couldn’t comprehend.

It’s an obvious choice for him, but it appeared that it’s not as obvious for everyone else.

So, did they believe in the same always as him?

During this period, Jungkook was deeply hurted and completely shut himself down. Even when the members talked to each other personally instead of in the big group, he said nothing. He just bottled up his emotion. The worried Seokjin asked Jimin if Jungkook opened up to him, but Jimin said that he didn’t come to him or anyone else. He blatantly rejected any conversation related to the meeting.

With his new studio at the office, it’s already a rare sight to see Jungkook at the dorm. So, whenever he was home, Seokjin came to Jungkook’s room every now and then to check on him.

Every time Seokjin came, Jungkook tried to hold back his tears. He just kept playing the computer or did an endless push-up so that he’s too breathless to answer Seokjin's questions. He had to avoid Seokjin's eyes because he wasn't a kid who could easily cry on Seokjin's chest like before.

It’s heartbreaking for Seokjin to always talked to Jungkook’s back those days. He back-hugged him as he ever did, but Jungkook’s body was stiff. He appreciated if Jungkook needed time alone, so he quietly left after patting Jungkook’s chest.

Good, what’s the purpose when everyone was going to leave him anyway? Jungkook thought.

Jungkook knew that what he did was wrong. That he’s impolite to his mat-hyung. But he couldn’t think straight. Disappointment, anger, sadness, frustration, hopelessness; he was overwhelmed by the surge of emotions.

He hated himself for that.

He knew that he’s nothing without Bangtan since he practically grew up with them. The thought of being back to being nothing hurts him, yet he also couldn’t bear seeing his hyung having a hard time like that. His endless anxiety about the future without Bangtan isn't something that could be resolved easily.

For him, losing Bangtan and the members means losing all of his life.

He’d keep himself busy with work to endure the remaining times if that’s the case.

---

"Do you still want to continue after June 2020 and spend seven more years together?"

Quick answer, yes.

Long answer, too complicated.

The question came like a whirlwind in the middle of a company meeting at the beginning of 2018.

The members should’ve known that this day would come soon. The company always plan Bangtan’s schedule meticulously and much in advance, so it’s reasonable that in early 2018 they had to decide to renew the contract or not. Still, the discussion happened earlier than they expected.

The decision must be made right away because it’d determine the path that they’d take in the next two years: How many albums that would be produced, how many brand endorsements that they could take, how many concerts to be held.

During the company meeting, Bang PD was straightforward with the members. He didn’t sugarcoat anything and clearly said that the path would only be harder from today. There’s no one to look up to, and the members had to be the one who breaks boundaries.

"We could only go bigger and further after this, but that means that you have to be prepared to enter the battlefield. Although by doing this, you’ll open up the door to many other artists, I don’t want you to see it as a burden. You’ve given me a lot. This time, it’s solely your choice as a team," said Bang PD to conclude the meeting.

Back then, Bang PD gave the same trust to Namjoon and built the concept of Bangtan based on his rap skill. This time, he wished to give the same trust to the members to decide what’s best for them. The company’s strategy would follow their decision; that’s why he needed the two years notice.

Paralyzed by the news, except for Jungkook, the other members were tied up to their seat. Everything that they ever wanted is here, but why is it suffocating?

In theory, they’re confident that they didn't want to stop. However, when seven years ahead was put in front of them, it wasn’t that obvious anymore. It became hazy.

Because seven years is a long time.

It’s from when you were born until you can ride a bicycle.

It’s from an underrated group from an unknown company to the most prominent Korean act in the world.

They couldn’t imagine what happened to them in the next seven years since almost all the predictions that they made were surpassed anyway—big time.

Coming from a small company, they all knew how hard it is to be accepted and respected in the music industry in their home country. Now they have a task that’s way more challenging than that, to penetrate the global music industry.

Other musicians, especially Western musicians, could launch one album, then parade on a world tour for two years, then only produce the next album on the third year, but Bangtan always did that simultaneously. Not to mention the variety shows shooting and non-stop behind the scene cameras either for documentary or Bangtan Bomb.

To some extent, it’s caused by the strict K-Pop ecosystem. It’s a jungle of its own where only the strongest survive. A more frequent comeback is a way to survive that. It means that since the beginning, they’re in a constant need to validate their worth, this time to the scary Western music industry.

The members often asked themselves: Why do they have to do this? To be the person who paved the way? Getting so much hate, ridiculed, disrespect, and plain xenophobia from people who are supposed to be professional? Who’s smiling in front of them yet will backstab them when the moment arises?

It wasn’t a perfect time for the members, personally and collectively, because of the exhaustion and sudden extreme popularity that they received. Still, they had to think clearly to be able to make the best decision.

It’s a hard decision to be made by them who were only on their twenties. Whatever the decision is, it’d affect the public, the company, and even South Korea's GDP.

Would they be strong enough to endure whatever may come?

Because some of the members were at their lowest point at that time.

Taehyung had to deal with another bereavement since his grandfather passed away. It trapped him back to the same grief when he lost his grandmother. He didn’t have enough energy to eat or to drag himself out of bed, let alone to discuss the contract.

After the flood of achievements, Yoongi was drowned in the burden of expectation and displayed symptoms of anxiety disorder. He told the members that he’d cry at the most random occasion thinking about how every eyes and camera lenses were focused on them and what if they couldn’t surpass or at least met their previous standard.

How much longer can they fly higher before the sun burns them?

Meanwhile, for some of them, like Hoseok and Namjoon, they dealt with the burden of stage personas. Hoseok being the brightest sun that he is meanwhile Namjoon being the perfect next-generation leader. Sometimes they felt like they didn’t live up to that and trying hard to live up to those personas took a toll on them.

But was that a strong enough reason to disband?

What even was the most logical reason to disband? Was it selfish to think about themselves before Bangtan? To think about their mental well-being?

Ordinary people would take a break to heal themselves, but they couldn’t do that. The pace didn’t allow a grieving period.

They’re losing their breath yet they had to keep on running.

It led the members to be extremely careful in voicing their opinions. They didn’t want to invalidate their hardships, belittle other person’s problems, and to put someone in the opposing side for wanting a time to breathe. They wanted to avoid hurting other members, but the conversation didn’t progress well because of that.

Namjoon needed to have a neutral position because he’s the leader, Jimin had to be sympathetic towards Taehyung, Jungkook couldn’t speak his mind because he's hurt too much, so it’s all on Seokjin. The oldest of the group.

The members were surprised that Seokjin was the one who started to convince that they have to continue.

It wasn’t that Seokjin isn’t loyal or give less effort than them, not at all, but they all knew that being an idol in this calibre—who have huge responsibilities and constantly endure public scrutiny as if it’s nothing—was never in his plan.

For the members, it’s heartbreaking to see all the stacks of ignored scripts and how Big Hit couldn’t fully show his full potential, so they couldn’t imagine how it might feel to him.

Seokjin was surprised by himself too.

It amazed him that the first question that came to his mind wasn’t related to him, but “What about Jungkook? He practically grew up with us and he loves performing so much. Wouldn’t it be too hard for him?”

Seokjin had a lot on his mind. From the conflict between what he initially wanted and what he has to do, how he gets older and wants to settle down, to missed opportunities that he honestly wanted to try. Surprisingly, all of that didn’t matter compared to his sympathy for Jungkook and the other members.

So, did he have to re-consider to renew the contract? Most likely no.

He understood that statistically speaking, coping with post-celebrity life will always be hard for someone who started that young in the industry. Some can’t handle the drastic change and trapped in the burrow of depression, consoled by drugs. That’s the worst-case scenario, but he couldn’t even bear the thought of it.

He cut his bangs by himself at dawn to assert control of his self and his fate.

---

It all came down to the time Jungkook went to drink alone at a private bar. It’s the first time that he did that in years since he always preferred to stay at the dorm.

The manager told the members about that and suggested that it’s the right timing if they finally want to have the talk.

“Jungkook looked so devastated,” he said with full concern, “If any of you don’t want to go to him, I’ll follow him. I’m afraid that he might do something bad.”

After debating on who’s going to go after him, they decided that it’s time to put an end to this, so the six of them went to the private bar.

It’s easy to find Jungkook because there are not many bars that they could visit safely.

There he was. He sat alone in the big room that they usually rent, curled up on the side and while fixating on the wall as if it’s the most breathtaking scenery. He’s so deep in his thought that he didn’t realize that the members came in until Seokjin patted his back.

Jungkook turned with red eyes and a panicked face. In no time, Seokjin hugged him, then shortly he other members followed by building a hugging fort around them.

They cried.

They didn’t know why, but tears just rolled down their eyes.

They didn’t know who start it; it seemed like they’re in sync with each other.

They just hugged and sobbed together for several minutes until the waitress knocked the door softly to take the order.

While drinking, they talked about everything that had been occupying their mind without any filter—all raw emotions and blunt stories. All shared about their struggles which made them aware that they all had different problems and considerations.

Nothing is more or less severe and nothing is more or less important; they’re just different people with different problems.

Namjoon tried to summarize their stories by saying, “Just because we paused and took time to think, it doesn’t mean that we don't want it as much as you, Jungkook.”

Slowly, Jungkook began to understand everything. He crawled from the abyss that is his mind.

He recognized that as a 15 years-old boy who came to Seoul, his world practically revolves around Bangtan. He didn’t even have any memorable high school experience or close high school mates; he just had his hyung.

He didn’t have to consider anyone else besides himself before making any decision, but the others have to.

He learned that Namjoon and Jimin who had a girlfriend must discuss it with their respective partner, Taehyung had to talk to his family first to sort out his crisis, and Hoseok just needed a short time to reflect. Namjoon also said to consider the elder members’ age, because it’s natural for them to think about settling down and how seven years more of contract might affect them.

Seeing his hyung opened up to each other and shared their vulnerabilities, Jungkook finally told them about what’s been bothering his mind; his fear and anxiety of losing something equal as his life.

At a time like that, Jungkook was grateful that he was in Bangtan. He knew that not all groups like them had such a close-knit relationship. A hyung who abuses his power or a member who bully the others wasn’t rare, but in Bangtan, they always talked things through by being honest. When someone made mistakes, the other will guide the person instead of alienating him. They influenced Jungkook to learn to be a better person every single time.

Yoongi added, “Accepting that something’s hard or we’re hurt, doesn’t mean that we want to stop. I hope you all know that. I hope you all know how important you are to me.”

There’s nothing that can explain how sorry Jungkook was.

However, the members understood him since he’s the youngest and could have a different perspective on seeing things. “It’s okay Jungkook. You’re 22. I can say that you're wiser than the 22 years-old Rap Monster. Don’t beat yourself up,” comforted Namjoon.

Namjoon asked Seokjin if there’s something else that he wants to say to Jungkook, as he knew that he’s the one who reached out to him the most and, in consequence, was rejected the most too. The members were honest with each other that night, so Namjoon thought that Seokjin would give Jungkook some advice.

Jungkook rubbed his neck nervously with pleading eyes. Seokjin was mostly quiet during the talk, which means that he could be angry. Jungkook was prepared to hear Seokjin lashed him out, but then he heard him said, “I don’t have any. I always think that Jungkook is great.”

How could a man like Seokjin exist? How could he have six wonderful hyung around him?

That night gave him a valuable lesson.

People don’t need pity; people need compassion.

A humble acknowledgement that their struggle is real and valid; that they are undeniably strong to overcome that, rather than feeling sorry for them or go into a full saviour complex mode.

After all, we're all just equally unhappy people who want to be happy.

It only makes sense for us to support each other.

The members are close, to begin with, but after all those years they’re still growing to become closer and closer until they became one.

They collectively decided that rather than focusing on the industry, they would focus on reaching out to ARMY; making them happy, taking out their sadness, relieving their pain…

After that poignant confession time, they discussed their upcoming album and how they could put all the feelings to it. Coincidentally, the album’s theme would be darker, so they had to dig into their shadows. It’s supposed to be a cathartic experience for them.

Jungkook transmuted his sentiment on that night into 'Magic Shop.' He shared about how much the members always accept him and brings out the best in him, while at the same time, ARMY always trusts them.

Bangtan isn’t just seven South Korean boys. What makes Bangtan is the ARMY. Even though they’re not a part of Big Hit, Bangtan and ARMY are a team.

Music is just music. The fact that they’re Koreans or Asians shouldn’t change anything. But even so, the reality isn’t always bright. It's better than everything that they'll do from then on will be for ARMY as a giveback.

Because ARMY literally gave them everything. They are their wings that takes Bangtan to the top.

It’s wrong if they stop just because they feel anxious about the future when they should know that ARMY will always hold their back. If they indeed end things later, it won’t be because of those reasons.

As long as it’s not a crash but a landing, there would be no regrets.

It won’t be an escape, but a noble curtain call.

And thus, from the tearful night at the bar, began the two plus seven more years in the journey of Bangtan.

Chapter Text

I was so happy after meeting you
I was able to love you so much
Because you embraced and understood
My young and immature mind warmly
When I blush as I get shy
I’ll kiss your eyes as you’ll have a lot in your mind
Let’s walk forward together
-Paul Kim, Me After You

MAY 2018

The storm passed.

Bangtan’s latest album was therapeutic and the counselling did wonders for all the members. One way or another, the songs in ‘Love Yourself: Tear’ were an amalgamation of what they’ve been shunning for years. The album wasn’t dark because of the concept per se, but the way it came from their darkest shadows.

After the talk, for the first time since forever, the members went on a trip together off-camera. The company promised to provide that each year; short escapism that’s enough to heal them.

Another difference that happened after the talk was the way they use the dorm.

Some of the members were already bought a house. To store their belongings, for their parents to stay when they visit the town, and for hookups. Though it wasn’t compulsory anymore to stay at the dorm, they’re still there most of the time—if they can say most, because with the upcoming tour by the end of the year, they will always move between time zone.

Knowing that they have more freedom in choosing what they want in their most personal lives, gave them a sense of liberation that did wonders to their well-being.

After the heartfelt moment at the bar, Jungkook opened up more. He tried to voice up his concerns if something bothered him. When he applied that into his life, he’s reminded of something that’s been buried on his mind. He kept trying to suppress it since late 2016, but lately, the thought resurfaced.

Jungkook decided that he finally wanted to explore his sexuality.

In other words, he’s determined to lose his virginity. He thought, could you be sure of your sexual orientation without having sex and trying things?

The problem was, he couldn’t just casually hook up because he’s a demisexual. Just the thought of doing it with a stranger made him uneasy because he firmly believed that sex should be done with someone that you feel the most comfortable with. It doesn't have to be a boyfriend or a partner, but someone close to him.

Besides, he found it hard to build a genuine connection as an idol, let alone to find another gay man to date as Taehyung often suggested. He never considered that option. His view that relationship is tiring persisted unless it's with a certain person who never made him tired. Jungkook didn’t even check his phone; how could he maintain a long-distance relationship? It frustrated him.

It’s now or never. Losing virginity with your best friend couldn’t be that bad, right?

His first option was Taehyung, his gay buddy, but he straight up refused. His excuse was that he preferred to be a bottom with a more experienced partner than he was. Jungkook couldn’t refute that as they shared the same point of view.

Taehyung’s excuse was real, but more than that, he didn’t want to mess his relationship with Jungkook. He knew that Jungkook likes Seokjin, and Seokjin probably likes him back too, so he better saved himself from trouble, particularly from two of the strongest members of Bangtan. No matter how hard life was for him, he still wanted to live peacefully.

Then Jungkook asked Jimin, which resulted in his second rejection. He knew that Jimin had a girlfriend, but wouldn’t he—who recently came out as a bisexual—be curious about doing it with a man? Wouldn’t he need that too?

Jimin took Jungkook’s question strictly, and he replied, “I have a girlfriend, Jungkook. If I had sex with you or anyone else, it means I’m cheating. I’m not that kind of person.”

Jungkook instantly felt terrible for asking. Jungkook looked dissatisfied, stood in silence at the corner of the bedroom, so Jimin explained more, “Just so you know, I could watch gay porn, jerked off, and problem solved. I think if any bisexual person used it as an excuse to cheat, the person is a jerk. It’d be different if the partner gave a consent to do that, but in my case, I never talked about it with my girlfriend. So, I’m sorry, Jungkook, but no.”

After saying sorry once again, Jungkook left Jimin and Hoseok's shared bedroom with a red face and sweaty palms.

The morning after Jungkook asked the two of them, he went to the dining room with a heavy heart. He wasn't in the mood even to have breakfast.

He's screaming in frustration when the morning lark Hoseok entered the room. He greeted Jungkook, turned on the coffee machine, and asked him, “Jungkook, why are you so frustrated these days? I thought we sorted everything out?”

Jungkook stayed silent. He’s not sure if he wanted to talk about it, but Hoseok kept pressing him to answer. Understandable, maybe Hoseok was afraid that Jungkook would shut himself again like before. Besides, Jungkook already promised to talk about anything that bothers him to the members.

Hoseok took wild guesses about anything that came into his half-awake mind. His last question was, “Are you nervous about our upcoming comeback? Because you’re going to flash your abs on BBMA?”

Finally, Jungkook answered him, “It’s not that, hyung…”

“Then what? Why is our Jungkookie sad? How can I help you?” comforted Hoseok as he playfully played with Jungkook's cheek. He'd still forever be Hoseok's maknae; he appreciated that Seokjin didn't do things like this to him anymore because he must show him that he's a man now.

At last, Jungkook whined, “You can’t help because you’re straight and allosexual!"

Hoseok froze in the mid of stretching out and apologized, “Oh, okay then… I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Yoongi walked just at the right time; when the coffee’s ready and when Jungkook whined to Hoseok. He’s flustered and complained, “Why am I always walking in a weird conversation that can’t be unheard? I just woke up and I want to sleep again. Hoseok, give me some energy, please."

Hoseok laughed upon hearing Yoongi's request. The two of them giggled together while preparing their morning coffee. It’s Jungkook who then decided to sleep again.

---

A lot of things could happen just in months, especially for someone as busy as Seokjin, who lived in fast-forward. The fake it until you make it strategy seemed to work. After all the hardship that he personally and collectively endured as a group, he found the courage to keep walking and take risks—not too much, just enough.

The moment he heard about Jungkook from Taehyung, he knew what he had to do for the poor boy.

He might think that he did it objectively, with reasons and calculations that led him to reach that conclusion. But only until he revisits this memory in retrospect, he admits that he secretly wanted it too. Once in a while he still dreamt about that kiss in Osaka and how the situation could unfold differently if they're in a different circumstance, but he'd quickly bury that under the busy schedule.

One late night after the music show recording, Seokjin came to Jungkook’s room. It’s near comeback, so everyone—except Taehyung who spent his last days in Korea with his family—chose to stay at the dorm before their US schedule. He knocked on the door and Jungkook opened it in no time.

“Aigoo, Jungkook-ah, what happened? I heard things from Taehyung, do you want to explain it to me?” said Seokjin without beating around the bush.

He might seem confident, but inside, he's too nervous to even think of any small talk to start the conversation. He knew what this would lead to, unlike Jungkook who greeted him with a perplexed face.

Seokjin looked extremely good in that black sleeveless shirt. Jungkook was stunned for a second until Seokjin waved his hand in front of him. Only then, he invited Seokjin to come into his cramped room. He still had that habit of collecting too many things.

Even in the new dorm, Jungkook kept his single bunk bed because he preferred to stay awake. He simply put a sofa to rest so he could remain productive all day. With no other place to sit, Seokjin sat at the corner of the sofa, raised one of his feet to sit casually. Jungkook followed to sat across him.

“You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Seokjin started as he perfectly understood that Jungkook would feel reluctant to share about that. "But is that the reason you look frustrated these past few days?” he then asked.

Jungkook was embarrassed to explain it to Seokjin, but what else could he do? Lie? Seokjin must've heard it from Taehyung or Jimin anyway, so he let it unfold.

Seokjin’s response surprised him. He asked, “Why didn’t you ask me?”

Jungkook put two of his feet on the sofa and hugged it. “Hyung, you’re initially my first choice because I’m the most comfortable with you. I just think that maybe you don’t want me," he answered weakly, putting a pause to reminisce the old times before continuing, "and you know why. But it's not only you; no one wants me.”

Seokjin moved closer to stroked Jungkook’s hands in sympathy. His eyes told Jungkook that he had a lot to say. A lot that he couldn’t begin to put it into words.

“Back then, I was reluctant because you’re still in high school, and it’s against my value. But it’s not because of you. Mostly I’m worried about what other people might think.” He gazed at the ceiling and continued, “But now I think it all depends on us, not them. Let’s just say that I’m braver because you are too, JK. You taught me how to be brave. I told you many times that you’re my teacher.”

“Really? So, it’s you? Not me? I thought you don’t see me as a man because I’m childish. The members say that I’m just a baby. And now that I think of how I asked Tae hyung and Jimin hyung, I feel stupid too.”

"Hear me out, JK,” Seokjin hold Jungkook’s hand and reassured him, “I want you to be yourself. You can be childish, watch sappy anime, do girl group dance, collect make-up, anything; I'll still see you as a man. A man can be cute and everything. I don't mind it." He paused then added, "Lately, I've been acting cute a lot for ARMY, do you see me differently?"

"No, because I know how you can be. I know how your face turns cold as soon as the camera goes away," Jungkook answered without thinking.

"And I know you too. You don't have anything to prove to me or anyone else. So maybe, I could help you…"

How could Seokjin say that without losing eye contact with him? If only someone could hear Jungkook’s heartbeat now, they’d be scared because he felt that it’s going to combust. His eyes started to get teary, and suddenly, the atmosphere of the room changed. It was melancholic and serene.

Did Seokjin feel it too?

Jungkook opened up his posture and sat cross-legged. He told Seokjin about his effort, “You know, I tried so hard to be a manly man. But I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Seokjin copied Jungkook and moved closer to him. Their knees met; they’re still holding hands, this time with both hands while their fingers were dancing on top of each other. They weren't sure if each small stroke made them more or less nervous, yet they kept doing it because it felt good, a simple touch like that.

That night, Seokjin gave a piece of advice that would stay forever in Jungkook’s mind, “Rather than being a man, let’s just be a decent human being. I think the idea that masculine means men and feminine means women is wrong because a human being is a combination of both.”

Seokjin’s words hit him hard. If only he spoke about it earlier with him, he wouldn’t feel so lost.

Jungkook sighed in relief. All these years, his worries were for nothing.

They stopped holding hands, but Seokjin's fingers traced Jungkook's kneecap now, giving him a different sensation to be touched in a place that he's never been touched until that very second. Before they got even closer, Jungkook wanted to confirm something first, “Don’t you feel weird because you raised me since I was 15? Since I was a crybaby? I mean… Can you do it with me?”

Seokjin remembered everything vaguely except that first meeting and the time at the karaoke room. He never thought too much about that so he answered, “But you’re stronger and braver than me now. I see you as you are.” He winked then continued, “I told you I’m not anti-sex, and since it’s you, I believe it’ll be fine. If we can help each other, then let’s do it.”

Jungkook bit his lips until it hurt.

He’s stunned. He’s over the moon.

The reason was that he didn’t expect that Seokjin will be gentle to him and talk things through. What he had in mind was just to lose his virginity as quickly as possible, satisfied his curiosity, and that's it. Back to the gym and practice to release the tension.

Jungkook put his leg down and buried his face in his thighs out of embarrassment. He screamed, “Ah Jeon Jungkook, why are you so stupid?!”

His mind wandered to all the time he thought extensively about how he can match Seokjin and how he can be a man. At last, tonight, he heard something that made him completely smitten.

Seokjin slowly moved closer to Jungkook until their personal space was blended into one. He hugged and caressed Jungkook without saying anything. It’s certainly not the first time they cuddle, but it’s a jamais vu.

He embraced Jungkook’s head in his chest and asked, “Have you kissed before?”

Jungkook played with Seokjin’s fingers and replied, “Did that time at Osaka count?” He didn’t dare to look at Seokjin and focused on his fingers instead.

“Ah, you’re right,” he giggled, “How about anything else?”

How could Seokjin be so calm? It’s not fair because Jungkook was already too worked up and he knew that Seokjin could certainly see it. He finally looked at him and said, “Do you mean with anyone else? No, nothing.”

“I see. So, there are many things to prepare. I don't want to give you a traumatising experience because it can be like that."

"Were yours?" asked him as he braced his fingers to move and brush Seokjin's thighs.

Seokjin didn’t answer as usual.

Jungkook wondered if Seokjin will ever let him—or anyone else—to be inside his world. Some people are reserved because they don’t share much, but Seokjin talked much, yet most of the information is only on the surface or even a red herring to let people away from his real self that he protects the most.

Jungkook voiced up his thought and Seokjin replied, “I think, stripped away from anything else, the only thing that we have is our identity. Our sense of being. I want to protect it. Because of that, I also think that we shouldn’t make other people question or doubt the most private thing that they have in this life.”

Being, doubt, what else? Jungkook didn’t hear well because his fingers were now busy tracing Seokjin’s collarbone as he looked up to see his hyung's speak.

He’s busy savouring the sight when Seokjin asked, “Do you want to kiss it?”

Fuck yes.

Jungkook moved faster than the question. He kissed Seokjin’s collarbone and neck passionately. How could he not? He just picked up the postponed moment from two years ago. He’s 22 years old now; he’s old enough to do anything he wanted to.

Seokjin lightly moaned while he tightened his grip to Jungkook's waist. It didn’t take long until he pushed Jungkook gently to the armrest, hovered on top of him, and kissed him.

A real kiss this time.

A kiss that's passionate and uninterrupted; a kiss that's not stopped even when Jungkook's hand wandered around everywhere, letting him know that he's not the only one who's thrilled that time.

While Seokjin's busy putting marks on Jungkook's neck, Jungkook’s hand went under Seokjin’s sleeveless shirt. Seokjin took it off; then, he quickly took of Jungkook’s shirts. In no time, both of them were only on their boxers and they could feel each other. They were lost in the heat of their first skin to skin contact, still entangled in the open mouth kiss.

When the heat was getting too much for him, Seokjin broke the kiss and whispered, “I just want to let you know that I never had sex with anyone else after I broke up, so I'm clean.”

Jungkook gulped and mumbled, “Me too.”

“Of course, you are,” Seokjin replied with a smile. He wrapped his legs over Jungkook, kissed him once again, and began to thrust his hips. Slowly at first, but the pace kept getting faster by the seconds that passed. Jungkook tried hard to hold his reaction, but he couldn’t until Seokjin pinched his nipple while softly biting his chest.

God, what’s 56 x 27?

“Shit, hyung, sorry, please stop for a while.”

Seokjin stopped immediately and teased him, “You never made this kind of sound before when I woke you up.”

Jungkook was too occupied to reply.

They caught their breath and slowly got rid of the underwear. Finally, there's nothing between them. They gazed at each other's body in awe.

Since Seokjin wanted to take it slow, he lifted Jungkook’s hand to touch him while he did the same for Jungkook. That way, they could observe each other’s faces and be truly intimate. Jungkook asked questions here and there about how to do it right, and Seokjin just told him to do it as he did to himself, whatever made him feel good.

They didn’t stay that way for long because soon after, Seokjin asked Jungkook, “Do you want me to go down on you?” in which Jungkook replied with a quiet yes and a cute thank you.

Then Seokjin ordered Jungkook to stay still and relax while kissing him from the chest downwards, exploring each and every contour with the lips that Jungkook loved the most. He then went on to give Jungkook his first blowjob. From Kim Seokjin. This should go down in history.

Behind his half-closed eyes, Jungkook found Seokjin's graceful face trapped between his thighs, swayed up and down to the rhythm of his heartbeat. Once in a while, Seokjin took a glance at him with his still busy lips and fingers, observing Jungkook's reaction then repeated whatever made him moaned the most.

Frames and fragments that were conjured up in Jungkook's mind’s eye before that night couldn’t beat this real experience. So, Jungkook brushed—or rather grabbed—Seokjin’s hair. It was softer than anything that he ever felt before.

Seokjin’s lips should be in a museum.

His toned body, broad shoulder, and tiny waist should be illegal.

This moment should be stretched to aeon.

Good grief. The sensation made him crazy. The visual, the sound, the smell, the touch, the taste. A feast for the five senses. That's what's missing from his vision where he often imagined Seokjin whenever he touched himself. He didn’t care if he’s too noisy at this point or if he couldn't control his facial expression.

How was he still alive now?

"Hyung, hyung, I want to... Do you..." Jungkook murmured as he couldn't even form a right sentence. Seokjin gazed at him with the sharpest eyes that he's ever seen and gave him a wink.

Jungkook finished on Seokjin's mouth. He's embarassed yet excited at the same time, seeing his hyung swallowed everything without a doubt. His brain was still processing what just happened when Seokjin lightly pecked him.

"You haven't finished," Jungkook was panting, but he sounded concerned, almost panicked.

Seokjin only smiled seeing him like that. He started touching himself while assuring, "I'm close. Just stay still. Can I finish in your abs?"

He nodded and tried to invite his consciousness back to his body.

Seokjin stroke himself fast while looking at Jungkook’s euphoric face. He certainly didn't look like a kid anymore. With that face and that body, honestly, Jungkook could have anyone that he wanted on his bed.

He couldn't believe this is the same Jungkook—his JK—that he met eight years ago. That he started to see differently in the last two years. That he adored since day one and words aren't enough to express it.

All this time, he just wanted to make Jungkook happy. Seeing his raw emotion like this gave him a lot of indescribable feelings. He secretly wished that Jungkook would never show this face to anyone else but him.

God, he's the most amazing human being ever and he's with him now. Was this real?

One hand was busy tracing Jungkook’s body; one hand moved even faster as he got sweatier.

He loves him a lot.

He loves him even if he shouldn’t.

He'll bend over backwards just to always be near him.

Now he finally gathered his courage and...

He let out beautiful melody.

The room was finally quiet.

Seokjin rested his head on Jungkook's shoulder for a minute, then took wet tissues from Jungkook’s desk to clean him up.

Jungkook let Seokjin took care of him that night. He studied him without blinking. At last, he braced himself to plead, "Hyung, can you stay with me tonight?"

"Are you kidding me? Let’s just go to my room. I’m not risking on crushing that bed of yours,” replied Seokjin while he’s tossing the tissues to the trash can

Jungkook laughed and agreed with him. He didn't think that Seokjin would grant another wish after that, so he kissed Seokjin’s cheek and whispered, "Thank you," in which Seokjin replied, "Anything for you."

Their arms and legs were entangled in the sofa that’s too small for them. It’s only a matter of time until one of them would fall down to the floor. Suddenly, Seokjin put his palm in front of Jungkook.

Did he just ask for a high-five after sex? Damn right, he did. Jungkook accepted the high five, but then he intertwined his fingers to Seokjin’s and didn’t let it go for the rest of the night.

It might be weird, but it’s an attempt from Seokjin to keep it as casual as possible.

Both of them felt something after their first time together, but they chose to brush the feelings off. Seokjin even warned Jungkook, “If we’re doing this, promise me not to fall for me, yeah?”

“Oh?” Jungkook was surprised because he didn’t believe that Seokjin thinks about it that way; in the long-term. At the same time, he's a bit broken-hearted because he already fell for him far before this night. However, Jungkook just wanted to be near Seokjin, so he chose to focus on the first statement instead of the second one and said, “I promise.”

Then it’s Seokjin’s turn to be upset upon hearing him said yes so quickly, thinking that he only sees it as a friends-with-benefits thing. Whatever. Seokjin trained to stop his brain from ruining things and this wasn't the time to overthink.

Jungkook asked if the next time Seokjin can go all the way with him, so they scheduled a second arrangement. It’s going to be in Los Angeles or Las Vegas while they're promoting the new album and had more privacy at the hotel. Jungkook couldn’t wait for that.

Seokjin teased him for being too eager, “Aren’t you afraid that it’d be painful?”

Honestly, the idea that it’d be painful excited him more, but he didn’t want to sound creepy, so he simply answered, “I can handle it. And I trust you. You won't hurt me, right?"

Seokjin smiled and brushed Jungkook’s chin. Both of them went silent afterwards. If eyes were the window of the souls, theirs were busy blended in a trance.

How long will beautiful things in the world stay?

Jungkook’s mind went back to Seokjin’s words about how he shouldn’t fall for him. He joked to ease the intoxicating awkwardness, “But you’re worldwide handsome hyung, wouldn’t it be hard not to like you?”

“Ah, you’re right,” Seokjin finally laughed. He took the clothes from the floor and threw some to Jungkook. He proceeded to tell some unfunny-but-funny-to-Jungkook jokes.

That’s how they cope with everything. With a joke, a banter, a play fight. Both were tired of being too serious. Idol life and the upcoming comeback had already taken a toll on them, so it’s good to have someone whom you can simply be happy with in every way possible, including this

After they dressed, they decided to quickly move to Seokjin’s room and take a rest since they had to wake up early tomorrow. Upon leaving the room, Seokjin noticed that Jungkook was already zoned out, so he massaged Jungkook’s neck and said, “Let’s keep it lowkey, don’t overthink. As long as we’re both happy, then we’re good.”

Jungkook punched Seokjin’s back and Seokjin shouted, “Aargh! Yah, are you kidding me? Why are you hitting me hard?”

“I guess I automatically hit you when I’m happy,” Jungkook smiled.

Seokjin ruffled Jungkook’s hair instead of hitting him back. He wanted to say something, but the words couldn’t come out of his mouth. Instead, Jungkook held his arm tighter as if saying that it’s okay if he couldn’t say it.

Let it be.

Let us be.

They walked together side by side in a comfortable silence

Seokjin kept it a secret that it’s the first time that he feels that sex wasn’t just sex because Jungkook listened to him well. Some people just wanted to get it done in a rush, but Jungkook was patient. He felt that Jungkook really needed that long discussion about being human, and it's not just an extended prelude to sex.

To Seokjin, sex is a chore that's inseparable from a relationship, but he enjoyed his time with Jungkook more than a duty that he should perform. This time, when he did it with someone he fully trusts and comfortable with, he noticed that their connection was getting deeper… in a spiritual way. That’s a strange feeling that made him embarrassed even to admit it in his mind. Hence, the high five.

Meanwhile, Jungkook didn’t expect to get a second time. Instead, he got a promise of many times to come. He's sure a lucky boy.

Started from that night, Jungkook welcomed a new chapter of their relationship.

He got rid of his bunk bed and bought a luxurious memory foam mattress with a robust bed frame shortly after.

The most wonderful thing was that it didn’t feel strange and out of place. If anything, it felt like home. They’re more energized and blessed with so much oxytocin that radiated to all the members and people around them. No one complained about that since it means that they didn’t have to try too hard to be funny while shooting. The members just left it to the chaotic duo: Seokjin and Jungkook.

The secret to the funny episodes that people enjoy so much? Good sex and zero pent-up tension.

People said that Jungkook became a real man since ‘Fake Love’ era, although that’s precisely the time he stopped trying hard to be a real man—because what does that even mean? Above all, he finally knew that the man whom he cares the most accept him as he is.

One down, one more to go.

After almost three years of crushing on Seokjin, Jungkook finally got rid of the brother-zone because brother didn’t sleep with each other, right? Now he’s determined to get rid of the best-friend-zone.

How many more years will it take?

Chapter Text

There's nothing like us
There's nothing like you and me
Together through the storm
-Justin Bieber, Nothing Like Us

AUGUST 2018

Three months after Seokjin and Jungkook made the agreement, the universe was on their side.

They had so much fun together, getting closer and more inseparable day by day. They didn’t do that often because the cameras are everywhere and the members are always there. Mostly they spent time together just to relieve tension and stress. Purely transactional—right?

That’s what they told themselves many times when none of them would do the walk of shame.

That’s what Seokjin told when he wanted them to sleep facing each other, so Jungkook would be the first one he sees when he opened his eyes to substantiate the fact that what happened isn't a dream. He yearned to open his eyes and the first sentiment that he had was, "He's still here."

That’s what Jungkook told when he watched Seokjin’s sleeping face while cursing the fact that they’re so close yet so far away. He often touched Seokjin's face to memorise each curve and detail, asking the same question all over again, "Will he ever be mine?"

What a lie.

Without much denial, they learned to live with the hypocrisy.

Hooking up isn’t something strange for the members. Even Namjoon, who’s in a relationship since late 2016, do that. Besides him, Hoseok and Taehyung also have casual hookups while Jimin was still glued to his girlfriend. It’s the three introverts: Seokjin, Jungkook, and Yoongi, who never cared about that.

Namjoon’s case is unusual. His girlfriend, Woo Sooji, is a smart and hardworking woman who’s equally busy as him. She’s working as a junior security analyst in a top company in Seoul. They’re in what they called an open relationship as a way to navigate the secretive and (mostly) long-distance relationship that they had to endure. For them, sex and love are different things.

Seokjin didn’t understand how that thing works or why sex was such an essential thing to them, but it’s none of his business. He learned to accept differences since a long time ago.

People think the only way idols can date another person is by dating idols too. But there must be certain people like Sooji out there who’s mature, open-minded, patient, and understanding.

At the end of the day, a relationship is a communication between two people. No matter how strange the idea is, if it works for them, then it’s great.

That’s also the mindset of the members upon noticing how Seokjin and Jungkook’s relationship progressed.

How could the members not notice anything when Jungkook was getting bolder in showing his possessiveness? Just like the time when he confidently stated that he wanted to target Seokjin to do a penalty trip together or when tried hard on a game so that he could sleep together in the same room with Seokjin.

The members noticed that both of them were happier that way, especially Jungkook, who’s much better than his solitude in late 2017 to early 2018. They never talked or openly discussed it, but they silently suspected something. They didn’t dare to sweat it because Seokjin and Jungkook are naturally very reserved. The members believed that both of them would talk at the right timing.

Essentially, all the members had one principle: anything that can help to strengthen the team’s dynamic and the members’ happiness—and doesn’t harm others—is a good thing.

No question asked.

How else would they survive all these years without being respectful of personal boundaries?

In between the stolen times and chances, Seokjin and Jungkook captured each fleeting moment that they shared with a realisation that it’s best to leave the water under the bridge.

The most memorable moment for Jungkook was that night at Malta during Bon Voyage 3 shooting.

It’s probably the most tiring Bon Voyage for them since the team’s energy was low. They couldn’t finish shooting with all seven members. Taehyung arrived late after attended his grandfather’s funeral and Yoongi came home first because of a family problem.

Seokjin, who’s unofficial role of the group is the mood-maker tried hard to keep the show alive and fun. He’s balancing the energy of the group here and there. At the same time, Jimin and Hoseok were also busy accompanying Taehyung who’s stripped away from his time to grief for the second time.

Jungkook could notice that Seokjin was exhausted—emotionally rather than physically—since the camping trip although he didn’t say anything.

The theme of the show was friendship, so the members had time to do any activity that they want with the assigned partner. By chance, at the end of the trip, Seokjin and Jungkook were assigned together as a team.

Seokjin asked Jungkook to simply have a drink together instead of going to faraway places or sightseeing mindlessly, but Jungkook refused. He’s surprised to hear Jungkook reject him like that. They didn’t want to debate on camera, so they resumed the discussion on text.

Jungkook: Hyung, let’s just take a rest. I know you’re tired. I already said that I want to dye my hair so we can do it together and be done with the shooting.

Seokjin: Can we? Don’t you think it’d be boring for the viewers?

Jungkook: Of course, we can. Think about yourself for once, hyung.

Seokjin: It doesn’t feel right. I’m beaten up, so I need a drink anyway. I’ll come back home quickly.

Jungkook: Then do you want me to go with you?

Seokjin: No, I think it’s better to go alone so we can wrap up as soon as possible.

Jungkook: Okay, I’ll wait for you.

That's the reason Seokjin spent the night eating and drinking like a mad man. What else can he did? That’s how he relieved stress.

Nevertheless, time for himself amidst the rush of activities was always great. He’s befriending the locals and it reminded him of how much he loved a genuine conversation with strangers—or rather, with people who see him as a stranger. He missed being anonymous.

When Seokjin came home, he saw Jungkook sat in the living room as if waiting for him. Jungkook was all fresh and clean, but he’s still in his bleached blonde hair. Seokjin rolled his eyes. “Punk, you seriously didn’t do anything besides taking a shower?” railed him.

Jungkook put his phone down and replied while pouting, “I did do something. Just take a shower first and check your message. I’m going to put the hair dye now.”

He stood up from the sofa and prepared his hair dye in the small bathroom.

Seokjin didn’t get it. Did Jungkook want him to help?

He’s confused, so he lurked around Jungkook who’s now busy mixing the hair dye. He asked what colour and what style he tried to attempt this time. He then gushed about his conversation with the guy at the bar, until Jungkook scolded him, “Just go, hyung!”

Tired of Jungkook being bratty, Seokjin went to the second floor and got ready to take a shower. Before he went to the bathroom, he checked the message from Jungkook.

Jungkook: Want to eat pasta? After I finish, we have 15 minutes until I have to rinse my hair. Don’t lock the bathroom door for a yes.

Oh.

He did do something.

'Want to eat pasta' is similar to 'want to eat ramen' for them. They modified it so that the members wouldn’t know. They planned to change it every two or three months with any food that comes to mind.

Seokjin: Come in, I’m hungry.

Seokjin was too tipsy to play hard to get and they barely had enough time.

He took his towel and purposely showed that he’s going to take a bath in front of the camera. He clapped as a sign for the editor to cut the scene and hurried to the bathroom.

A few minutes later, Jungkook came with condoms and lube hidden in his skincare pouch. He put his alarm on and found Seokjin, who just finished drying up his hair, was ready for him. His hyung must be touching himself while showering so they can skip the foreplay.

Although by that time Jungkook already saw Seokjin's body many times, he still paused to admire it all over again.

Seokjin tilted his head to the right with bulging eyes, signalling that Jungkook had to hurry, so he took his clothes off and threw it to the dry area on the floor. He immediately kissed Seokjin who welcomed him with the warmest embrace.

In the middle of making out, Seokjin admired Jungkook half-pink half-blonde hair, “You look really cute with that pink hair.”

“Does it turn you on?”

“You turn me on,” replied Seokjin. He laughed profusely.

Jungkook didn’t say anything more. The time’s running fast, so he guided Seokjin to sit on the toilet seat. Jungkook mounted him and whispered to his ear, “You don’t have to do anything. Just relax.”

He prepared everything for Seokjin, but seeing him struggling to position himself in the cramped bathroom, Seokjin offered to help, “At least let me put the lube on and hold you.”

Jungkook agreed. Apart from that, Seokjin let Jungkook do all the work. He's carried away in the act as he unconsciously commanded, "Faster, Jungkook." He could sense that Jungkook was surprised hearing that, but he simply smiled as he listened and granted Seokjin's request.

Damn, he won’t ever doubt Jungkook’s ability to do anything with his body. From sports, to dance, to sex, he learned everything swiftly. He must be gifted.

What a man.

What a blessing that no one’s at home, so they could scream all they want.

Entangled in the smell of the ocean, soap, and hair dye, he’s on cloud nine.

How long will beautiful things in the world stay?

That same night, Jungkook asked Seokjin, “I know you said that sex isn’t that important for you, but you do enjoy it, right? Because I’d feel guilty if you don’t.”

Seokjin kneeled to help Jungkook get on his pants and answered, “I do, I especially enjoy watching your reaction.”

He stood up and Jungkook’s confused eyes greeted him. His eyes were getting even bigger when he’s thinking. Knowing that, he added, “And the after effect when I feel like in some kind of ecstasy. Like now. Or maybe it’s the alcohol.”

“Huh?” Jungkook stopped from getting rid of the evidence from the bathroom.

“Shh, you don’t have to understand everything. Stop analysing and just enjoy it. You know that I’m happy if I can make you happy.”

When the alarm rang, they continued to act casual as if nothing happened. At this point, after five years of constant exposure, it’s too easy for them to do that. Jungkook went to the small bathroom on the first floor to continue his hair dying saga and Seokjin went down not long after him to put on a face mask.

There's not much to do while waiting for the other members to come home, so Seokjin said good night to Jungkook and told him that he wanted to go to bed first. When he’s half-asleep, he received a text.

Jungkook: Have a good rest, hyung.
Jungkook: You know that I’ll take care of you. Please let me take care of you too.

Seokjin: You’re the best. Thank you, pink hair.

Seokjin smiled and slept tightly. Probably the most soundly since he arrived at Malta.

He dreamt that the tiger won over the sharks even though they’re fighting in the depth of the ocean.

---

DECEMBER 2018

In October during the 'Love Yourself' tour in London, Jungkook had a feet injury. It happened because of a stupid mistake while exercising, but the consequence was grave. He couldn’t dance and he had to sing while sitting on a stool.

The members could only imagine how upsetting it’d be for Jungkook who always wanted to give his all on every performance. That day, his parents came to the London concert and he’s so excited about it, yet it didn’t go as planned.

As expected, Jungkook disagreed in most of the decisions regarding his performance protocol. He’s known to be hard on himself to an alarming degree; pushing his body without knowing the limit, performing until his body breaks.

To find the person who loves you the most, see who gravitates towards you during your lowest point.

Seokjin stepped up to help him be reasonable and realistic. He knew that Jungkook wouldn’t like it, but it had to be done anyway. He didn’t hesitate a bit to keep his feet on the ground. He didn't mind if the cameras caught his angry face.

Consequently, to counter Jungkook's misery, Seokjin tried even harder to make him laugh, both on stage and off stage. He refused to leave him as much as he could—even when the other members or the staff offered to help—and always pushed his wheelchair everywhere, even to the hotel room. Only God knows what they do in the hotel room.

Seeing how Seokjin behaved around Jungkook and how compliant was the headstrong Jungkook to Seokjin, the members started to notice that they have a special relationship, whatever it might be. They could only speculate because neither Seokjin nor Jungkook said anything about it.

To find the person whom you loved the most, see whom you gravitate towards to on your lowest point.

It’s not that Seokjin didn’t want to leave Jungkook, but Jungkook didn’t want him to go as well.

Times like this triggered his anxiety to come back since he felt that he let everyone down: ARMY, the members, the staff, the company, his parents, his manager, the list goes on and on until it finally reached the one who’s hurt the most out of all: himself.

He’s thrown into a pit of self-blame.

Seokjin caught his hand before he reached the end.

The striking contrast between the loud cheer and the empty void at night after the concert was always the hardest for the members, but it’s even more unbearable in Jungkook’s condition.

During these times, Seokjin would eat together with Jungkook and talk about anything that could serve as a distraction. Except for the times when Jungkook—who recently was into meditation after reading James Dotty—told him that he preferred to be alone, Seokjin would stay and held his hand until he’s sleeping. Sometimes he’d sleep beside him; sometimes he’d kiss him goodnight and went back to his room to play games to relieve stress. Either way, he’s always the first one that Jungkook saw in each morning.

From then on, Jungkook learned a valuable lesson: you can be happy even if you're hurt. Happiness is a state of mind rather than external circumstances.

He didn’t think that he could be more in love with Seokjin.

But he did.

It’s not only about what he did to him but what he did to the group. For example, in Graham Norton show everyone was dejected because two of the main dancers couldn’t perform: him and Jimin who sprained his ankle during rehearsal. Consequently, they couldn’t do the stage performance as they rehearsed.

At a time like this, Seokjin always volunteered to embarrass himself in front of the audience to lighten up the mood. And it worked.

Jungkook knew how shy and reserved Seokjin is, but he never thinks twice about doing gimmicks that can make everyone happy. He’s too kind for this world.

However, not long after the feet injury, Jungkook had a different kind of injury.

Or rather, hurt. Jealousy.

Seokjin and Taehyung accidentally began an on-stage moment during ‘So What’ performance. Their chemistry was great, so the audience loved it.

What happened as a spur of the moment gimmick, became something that’s awaited in every concert. Even if they wanted to stop it, they couldn’t because it’d be upsetting for the audience and ARMY.

It happened again during another gimmick—or stage event as they prefer to call it—when Seokjin would shout the city name while leaning back, so a person had to catch him. Taehyung just happened to be the first person to catch him too.

For Seokjin, it’s no different than his heart event or glasses event, but for Jungkook, it was.

Taehyung did that on purpose because (1) He enjoyed it; (2) ARMY wanted it; (3) Seokjin is hot; and (4) He aimed to make a certain someone jealous because he’s been looking like a fool all these years.

Jimin was on his side because he sensed that something’s on between them. The 95s were pissed because of the secrecy—especially Jimin, he’s super petty about it. He complained a lot to Taehyung, “Did our trip together to Tokyo means nothing to him that he couldn’t talk about whatever is going on between them with me? Or that night at the bar when he told us that he’d talk about everything? The disrespect is real!”

The old Jungkook would shut himself and sulk, but the 2018 Jungkook would take matters to his hand.

Taehyung might be the one who gives Seokjin 'bedroom stare' on stage, but Jungkook is the one who can get Seokjin to his bed. He's not the miserable virgin anymore, and his confidence grew because of that.

So, Jungkook slowly inserted himself into that moments to assert his presence. At the very least, he’d passed Seokjin and Taehyung by taking water bottles or stand behind them, but sometimes, he’d shamelessly join them. Likewise, during the trust fall, he closed the tour with Seokjin’s back on his hand.

Taehyung and Jimin noticed that.

Jimin, who’s never tired of asking this question, asked Jungkook for the umpteenth time, “Are you finally admitting that you like Jin hyung?”

To his surprise, Jungkook answered differently this time. He said, “I like us.”

“What does that mean?” enquired Taehyung.

How could Jungkook begin to explain it?

Every relationship is unique in its own way. His relationship with Taehyung is different than his relationship with Jimin, and so is his relationship with Namjoon or the other members. One can’t replace the other. Each and every person, especially the members, has its speciality. Each has something that’s exclusively only for the two of them.

But with Seokjin, he could say that there’s nothing like them in a way that Seokjin is his everything.

Seokjin could be:
-a reliable hyung, almost like a dad sometimes when he scolds him about finances;
-a good teammate who always has his back;
-a friend whom they can act silly together despite the age gap;
-a mentor who took him as a protégé when he guides him about life and self-development;
-a ‘mortal enemy’ when they constantly tease and bicker with each other;
-a workout / sparring / gaming / cooking / eating (and soon fishing) buddy;
-and almost a lover when it’s just the two of them behind the closed door.

How’s that possible for a single person to be so all-encompassing like that?

Taehyung and Jimin looked at him sharply; they’re still waiting for an answer. Jimin put his face closer and closer to Jungkook while Taehyung tapped his feet.

Jungkook was too lazy to repeat what’s been circling on his mind, so he put his hand in front of Jimin’s face and simply answered, “Just us. You’re not us so you probably won’t understand, hyung.”

“Well, you’re not explaining anything,” complained Jimin while pretending that he wants to hit Jungkook. It only took a sharp look from Jungkook until Jimin changed his attitude to massage and praise the maknae instead.

In his mind, Jimin blamed Seokjin who brought this boy to the gym and now his physique alone could intimidate all the hyung.

---

JULY 2019

Some reasons why 2019 was a good year for Jungkook.

1. A more relaxed working schedule and a bright career.

Bangtan started the year as a guest to Grammy and they launched a new album: 'Map of the Soul: Persona' on Saturday Night Live. Their first big achievement of the year was receiving Top Duo/Group Award from Billboard. Jungkook still wasn't a fan of the after-party, but he sure wanted to attend more events like this.

Before, Bangtan usually produced two to three albums in a year, but this year they decided to focus on one album. It’s a very reasonable pace for them that let them do more engagement with the ARMY. Besides, he had a unit song with Seokjin and Hoseok, ‘Jamais Vu.’

A better working schedule made all the members happy. There’s no injury throughout the year and all the members are healthy. That alone was enough reason to make 2019 as the greatest year on Bangtan’s history.

As for the Run BTS variety show that they always shoot, this year’s episodes were more laid back. Most of them were indoor shooting that didn’t tire them much.

His favourite was the flower arranging one when he made a bouquet entitled ‘Various Loves’ while Seokjin only used tiger lily in his work. Seokjin set his eyes on them since the beginning and didn't even take a glance at another flower in the room. He had the cleanest workspace out of all.

Jungkook knew the meaning of tiger lily by that time.

2. Jungkook was closer to Seokjin.

“The only one who doesn’t have a chingu here is me. Because Jin hyung and Jungkook are basically the same!” complained Yoongi who’s so done with their antics.

To some extent, Jungkook agreed to that statement. As he and Seokjin spent the day together, the gap was almost non-existent.

The members considered watching them like watching a comedic variety show which tagline is, let’s see who’s stronger!

When Seokjin and Jungkook weren’t working out and competing for who can perform the most pull-ups, they would be punching and slapping each other or doing imaginary boxing together. Those gestures that supposed to indicate aggression seemed intimate to them because when people looked at their eyes, they’re just full of fondness.

Seeing them was obscure yet warm at the same time.

Sometimes it’s also thrilling because it’s worrying for the members to imagine what if someone crosses the line and be mad for real. But it never happened.

There, there, the neck and shoulder massages always come afterwards. The members don’t understand how a simple thing like that seems like the highlight of the day for Seokjin, judging by his overly excited reaction.

Since Seokjin and Jungkook’s relationship is very natural, they didn’t have to do much to masked their secret. They’re just themselves as they always do.

Even the Bangtan Bomb editors uploaded many videos of them together, including the one where Seokjin casually wrapped himself inside Jungkook’s thighs. Jungkook couldn’t believe that the staff decided to upload it, but it didn’t matter. What matters was Jungkook was happy because he believed the members noticed that he had a special thing with Seokjin. A thing that cannot be named yet, but at least it’s there.

3. Seokjin opened up about his feeling.

Seokjin wrote his first self-composed song, 'Tonight' for FESTA. Three years after 'Awake', finally, Seokjin decided to share something more beyond his happy persona. He addressed the feeling from late 2017 when he lost his pets: Jjangu the dog and Odeng and Eomuk the sugar glider. It made Jungkook happy and proud.

Seokjin wasn’t fully satisfied with releasing a sad song, but Jungkook thought that it’s what he needs. As time goes, Jungkook realised that the song represents Seokjin’s fear of loss, the fragility of happiness, and how he tried to overcome it.

He then understood the reason why Seokjin asked him to sleep facing each other.

4. A well-deserved break.

The highlight of 2019 was when Big Hit announced that Bangtan would have a month-long break before going to New Zealand for Bon Voyage 4 shooting. For the first time in 6 years, they’d have a whole month for themselves to do anything that youth on their 20s would do, as the company said.

Even though Jungkook didn’t know yet what he wants to do during that break, he welcomed the idea with open arms.

Since Jungkook was hit by a train of euphoria at the beginning of 2019, Jungkook had an incredibly positive outlook about his future. He’s confident with his career and he’s also optimistic that he had a chance with Seokjin. The old Jungkook who thought that he’d be forever alone was no longer there.

In short, all is well.

Until that dating scandal broke the internet.

Chapter Text

In the streets full of flowers
I see you today too
Will it be in me?
If you leave footprints
I'll keep it warm
I'll stay in black and white
-V, Scenery

OCTOBER 2018

Amsterdam. A city that will forever be meaningful for Taehyung.

He spent the night sightseeing around the hotel with one of his favorite people on Earth, Hoseok. Even with all the cameras that followed them for the ‘Bring the Soul’ documentary shooting, Taehyung tricked himself into thinking that it’s a special date just for the two of them.

Amsterdam was beautiful, but his eyes were only hooked to one person who kept jumping and smiling all the time. The brightest sun that lightened up the dark night.

There’s not much scenery on his camera; it’s full of portraits of a man with all the different angles and poses. All exuded happiness and warmth.

When the director told them that they had enough footage, they quickly removed the microphone. One by one, the crews left them to give them space until it’s just the two of them, still enjoying the sightseeing and stop once in a while to take pictures. It’s ten minutes walk until they arrived at the hotel.

Hoseok told him a joke and Taehyung laughed so hard he almost dropped the camera. Hoseok was still busy recalling the joke when Taehyung randomly asked, “Hoseok hyung, you know that I like you, right? I’m not the subtlest person. I… Are you okay with that? Does it bother you?”

Hoseok stopped laughing and put his hands around his chest. He tried to put a funny face and replied, “Oh? I got goosebumps.”

Taehyung was ready to bury himself to the ground, but Hoseok just smiled and added, “Does it bother me? Of course, not.”

It’s a different smile. It’s not a happy, content, or proud smile. It’s not his usual smile that’s as bright as the first beam of the dawn, but it’s not a mocking smile either. It’s just that smile that you do when you can’t think of anything else to say, be it because you have nothing to say or too much to say that you can’t begin to put it into words.

It’s a ‘just because’ smile.

“But I’m gay. Are you not feeling uncomfortable, just the slightest?”

“No?" Hoseok sounded confused, "You have every right to like anyone that you want. We can’t control it anyway. So, it doesn’t bother me.”

Righ after saying that, Hoseok eyed a cool spot with a fancy street lamp, and he shrieked, “Oh! That’s beautiful! Let’s take a picture there.”

Taehyung—and honestly, all of the members—knew too well that it’s just a distraction because Hoseok’s flight or fight response is always flight. Not so much different than Seokjin.

Hoseok needed time to think, even if it’s just a minute away from Taehyung. He relied on his muscle memory to strike some poses while he’s busy contemplating what would be the best thing to say.

Deep inside, he’s also confused. Is it possible to be romantically attracted but not sexually attracted to someone?

Because he certainly likes Taehyung… but not like that.

Never like that.

A minute ended. Hoseok couldn’t escape Taehyung’s intense gaze any longer. He deeply sighed and spoke softly, “Taehyung, it’s not going to change how I act around you because we both understand what’s the real issue here. I’m just going to accompany you until you find someone who can love you back.”

Taehyung cleared his dry throat. With all his might, he replied, “Hyung, me too. I hope you’re healing from your wound and ready to open your heart again.”

Hoseok smiled; he hoped that he gave the right response. Another strategy in Hoseok's mind is to turn something serious into a light joke, so he replied, “Thank you, Taehyung. I pray for that too, and I pray that no one will ever break your heart. Seriously, you don’t have someone from your hookups? Or a friend of a friend?”

“Hyung, that’s a hookup for a reason. It means nothing. But maybe if we’re not that busy anymore, I’ll try harder to find someone.”

“That’s the spirit! I’ll be the first person to cheer on you when you find someone. I’ll also be the first to congratulate you when you’re together.”

Hoseok opened his arms. He embraced Taehyung into a quick hug. Taehyung whispered, “Hyung, thank you,” in which Hoseok replied with a solemn nod.

It’s a public space, so he had to be cautious if someone followed and took pictures of them. Besides, their manager, who walked three meters away behind them, would keep his sharp eyes on them.

Taehyung knew that too, so he playfully nudged Hoseok’s shoulder and asked, “Hyung, can I be your best man when you marry someday?”

Hoseok laughed, “That’s too far, Taehyung, but of course!”

They’re only 3 minutes away from the hotel when they started cursing about love and how the concept of love itself is so abstract.

Taehyung thought that Hoseok did that to make him feel better, so he’s surprised when Hoseok opened up a little and consoled him, “I think being able to love someone should make us grateful. I was brokenhearted once, yet I haven’t fully healed from that after years. Honestly, I want to fall in love too, but I just feel numb. I don’t feel anything for years, not even sadness," Hoseok paused to read Taehyung's expression then continued, "I’m sorry if it came insensitive because of your position.”

The speechless Taehyung simply pat Hoseok’s back.

“I hope when you look back one day, you won’t regret your feelings, Taehyung. It’s just a part of life that will pass, but I hope soon you can recall the memory with a smile while holding hands with someone special to you.”

Taehyung's voice was almost inaudible when he said, “Then I won’t, I promise. Still, I wish I were a girl.”

“You know it. If you were a girl, I’d totally date you. But let’s not think about that Taehyung, it’ll only make us sad. I know that you’ll find someone better than me. We still have a long journey.”

“I wonder…”

Click.

Another photo to take, another moment to collect.

Keep the memory,

but

let

go

of

t h e

p e r s o n .

---

Ring, ring! Taetae is calling…

PJM: Taetae?

KTH: Hello, is this Hello Counsellor hotline? I’m Kim Taehyung from Geochang. I need to speak to counselor Park Jimin-ssi. I’ve made an appointment.

PJM: Ah, right, right. Wait for a minute.

Jimin quickly adjusted to Taehyung’s play. He turned off his laptop and put on a headset. He lounged himself on the bed because he had a hunch that it’d be a long conversation, and he's rarely wrong about that.

PJM: Hello, you’re speaking with counsellor Jimin here from Hello Counselor. It’s been a while, Taehyung-ssi. Are you okay?

KTH: Hello, counsellor-nim. I hope you’re well, but I’m not okay tonight. That’s why I called the hotline.

Jimin was right. There’s something wrong in Taehyung’s voice.

PJM: Ah, of course, I’m here for you. But before we start, do you know that we have a home visit service? It’s still on promotion so we can visit you for free. Do you want to try it?

KTH: Thank you but I think I prefer to talk on the phone tonight. Maybe next time.

PJM: That’s fine for me. What’s on your mind, Taehyung-ssi?

KTH: It’s about a friend of mine, Hoseok hyung.

Jimin knew that Taehyung and Hoseok went out together that night. So, something must happen just now.

PJM: Ah, yes, yes. I remember him. Is he the person that you like?

KTH: You’re right; you have an excellent memory counsellor-nim. He’s the straight person that I like. And I won’t ever be with him no matter how hard I try or no matter how fast time flies.

PJM: …

KTH: Still, I told him that I have a crush on him.

PJM: Oh? You’re brave, Taehyung-ssi. He didn’t take it well, I suppose?

KTH: On the contrary, he’s so nice to me. Previously, I told you that sometimes I wish I wasn’t close with my family. In this case, sometimes I wish Hoseok hyung wasn’t that kind and loving too. Maybe if he were a jerk, it’d make everything easier. I could curse him and move on easily because he's not worth it. But he's...

PJM: Taehyung-ah, I mean, Taehyung-ssi. Aargh, I’m sorry I don’t think I can continue. Counsellor Jimin’s out and now Park Jimin’s here. Taehyung, I told you to stop thinking like that. You’ll get over him someday and we’ll still be best friends.

KTH: What if I can’t?

PJM: You. Can. And. You. Will. Why do you like Hoseok hyung? Is it love and not just a crush anymore?

KTH: Maybe? I don’t know. He doesn’t ask much. He doesn’t mind that I’m gay, that I may have a crush on him; he just smiles. I find that very accepting and reassuring.

PJM: So, it’s acceptance then…

KTH: Do you think that makes sense, feeling loved by someone who can’t love you back?

PJM: The members love you so much, Taehyung. I hope you know that you’re loved by all of us. It may be different than the kind of love that you mean, but it’s still love.

KTH: Of course, Jimin, I don’t doubt it. But Hoseok hyung truly sees me as Kim Taehyung. No, more than that, he makes me happy about being Kim Taehyung. Whenever I speak nonsense, act cute like a kid, and being goofy, he always listens attentively and encourages me. Even I sometimes know that what I say is pure nonsense, but he listens as it matters.

PJM: Yeah, Hoseok hyung is amazing. I can’t imagine not being his roommate. Frankly, I can see why you like him so much.

KTH: I just want to hear him praise me. I feel a lot better about myself after that.

PJM: Hmm, he does have that charisma. [Pauses] How about me, Taehyung? How can I be a better friend for you?

KTH: Of course, you’re a great friend too, Jimin. Like this roleplaying thing that we always do. We just get into character so quickly, which means that we’re so in tune with each other.

PJM: I love doing it with you.

KTH: Me too. I miss doing it with Jungkook, but I think he just grows to be more of himself these days, which is really mature in mind. Also, now he kind of looks like that scary guy on a huge motorcycle.

PJM: Hahaha, you’re right. You know Jungkook, he’s still innocent, but he desperately wants to be perceived as a mature man. Funny that he always teases Seokjin hyung of being old when he tries hard to catch up. It's kind of ironic, isn't it?

KTH: Yeah, and I don’t blame him for that… But sometimes I’m afraid of growing up. Do I have to do it like Jungkook? I don’t know. After losing my grandparents, it’s like a reality slap. Like oh, be an adult Kim Taehyung. This is life.

PJM: Taehyung-ah, do you need another crying session? Just let it all out, I’m here. I’ll go to your room right now. [Stomps] Do you hear me? I’m walking to the door now.

KTH: It’s okay Jimin, I overcome the grieving state, but something lingers… I have this voice, face, body, but deep inside, I’m just a kid. I don’t want to lose my childlike wonder and playfulness, but with this, people interpret it differently.

PJM: How is that?

KTH: You know how I am on stage and on camera. It’s just that I feel like I have to be aware of every little thing that I do, the way I act, the way I stare. I like being flirty and playful because it’s fun, but some people will interpret it differently.

PJM: Then keep doing it, Taehyung. You don’t owe everyone an explanation for your harmless behaviour, let them think about anything, but don’t let it gets to you.

KTH: Honestly, I feel a bit lost. V has taken over me. Whenever I was there, being V, embracing that sexy persona, people love it so much I feel like I should be like that all the time.

PJM: Well, they love it, but that doesn’t mean that they hate the goofy Taehyung, does it?

KTH: I guess you’re right. Maybe when I said that I love Hoseok hyung, it means that I should love myself more. I mean, do I love him or do I love the idea of him? Do I love him only to feel better about myself?

PJM: It could be. Because you love yourself when you’re with him, you feel accepted. How about you accept yourself better than Hoseok hyung do to you? How about you accept yourself with or without him?

KTH: I guess I could try that. No, I should try that. But I sincerely care about him too.

PJM: Of course, you are. We always care about each other.

KTH: And I need to take care of myself too. I need to figure out who I am when I’m alone. I don’t want to be an alien… to myself.

PJM: I’ll cheer up for you, Taehyungah! You’re a fantastic person. I hope you can see yourself the way I see you.

Taehyung and Jimin ended their conversation not long after that. Wrapped in their own blanket, both of them dreamt of being each other’s source of strength forever.

---

Please erase this feeling.

Don’t even try to ask for it. Although Hoseok got what he asked, he slowly realised that it’s a curse rather than a blessing.

Back then, when he's heartbroken and suffocated, he prayed hard that if love would always come in pair with heartbreak, it’d be best for him not to feel love at all.

To protect himself. To keep him sane. To let him breathe.

Indeed, seven years of being single, not a day passed with him feeling alone and unloved.

It led him to think that, what if we’re brainwashed to believe that in order to be able to be happy, we have to be in a relationship?

It’s good to find someone, but it’s also okay not to find anyone.

Hoseok presumed that the key is to find someone whom we can share the love and make us feel loved. Family, friends, pets, even strangers, there’s always someone who needs love.

It’s not a romantic feeling between two people, but it’s still love, isn’t it? Because being with his dearest friends all these years has provided him with exactly that.

So, he told himself that he’d be okay. That he’d be blessed despite the numbness. But thousands of nights after the day he prayed, he knew that he regrets that day.

That night, he prayed hard that his curse would be lifted and he will be healed.

At one point, a person would be trapped between an ache or numbness, considering which one is more bearable than the other. He knew the answer just now.

Though love is painful, it’s still beautiful. He learned the hard way that people should just embrace the pain instead of erasing it once and for all. People should just hold on to the traces until time turns it into ashes.

That night, Hoseok was sure that ache heals, but numbness persists.

He promised that when it comes the time that he fell in love, he’d accept both the bliss and the sorrow. At the end of the day, all the people that met, loved, and hurt him were there for a reason to help him grow.

That night, he prayed, and prayed, and prayed, until an epiphany stroked him.

I am my own hope.

Thus the end of his soliloquy.

Chapter Text

You are my Earth
And all I see is you
I can only watch over you like this
Rather than saying any words
Rather than thanking you
I'll stay by your side
-BTS, Moon

AUGUST 2019

“Don’t you have any problem, Yoongi? You never really talk about anything non-work related to us?”

It all started with a light conversation with Yoongi when they’re fishing together. Seokjin didn’t even remember why he asked that or how the thought could cross his mind; it’s just his stream of consciousness.

After Bangtan finished the mini-concert on the middle of August, they’re officially on holiday for almost a month-long. The members had been waiting for it since a long time ago, but both Seokjin and Yoongi didn’t have any plan to go elsewhere. After all, they’re going to New Zealand right after the holiday ended, so it’s best for them to save energy and rest.

There’s only one thing that they have to do during the holiday: making a vlog. Rather than creating a vlog about Seokjin playing games all day or Yoongi making music in the studio, they decided to go for a fishing trip together so they could finish the task quickly.

They felt very productive that day. It’s still 9 AM and they already finished the schedule, lounging around in the boat at the middle of the sea. Upon hearing Seokjin's question, Yoongi woke up from his slumber. He looked at Seokjin who’s equally sleepy as him. He wondered what did Seokjin dream before that led him to ask that question.

Yoongi yawned and lazily answered, “Why? Do you want me to be all cute and coddle me? I express it with alcohol and music. It’s all on my mixtape.”

“Well, if that suits you,” said Seokjin coldly while looking at the window, pretending to admire the flock of seagulls though his mind wasn't exactly there.

Seokjin sounded serious, so Yoongi felt terrible for taking his question in a joking manner. He straightened his back, put his full attention to Seokjin, and replied, “Sorry, hyung. Well, you made ‘Tonight,’ how does that feel? Isn’t it such a relief? Frankly, you never really talk about something too.”

“You said you’re a mind-reader, so I don’t have to talk.”

“Thank God, I’m almost psychic. I know what you meant by telepathy. Still, it’s important to express yourself, hyung. If you don’t want to talk about it, make sure that you don’t keep it for yourselves. It eats you up. Writing lyrics is a good way to release whatever’s been bugging our mind.”

Seokjin remembered Yoongi in late 2017 to early 2018. He’s undeniably strong. Indeed, since that time, he’d been working on his next mixtape and poured everything into it. He also made the visit to the counsellor as a routine, so maybe that’s why he’s been into psychology these days.

All these times, Seokjin did a lot to release his tension, but something still bothered him. So, maybe he needed more than just releasing, but expressing. Releasing feels like hiding from the problem, but expressing sounds more like facing it.

However, even after ‘Awake’ and ‘Tonight’ Seokjin still feel reluctant about sharing a part of him to the world. It’s not easy to perform a sad song that has personal meaning on stage because it sometimes made him feel emotionally exhausted. Yoongi lightly responded to his concern by suggesting him to make a cheerful song instead of a sad one.

That made sense for Seokjin. Maybe it’s good to articulate all the thoughts so he could clear his head before it explodes and hurts him.

---

Seokjin took Yoongi’s advice seriously, so he discussed it with Namjoon before the leader departed on the museum and gallery tour in Europe for the holiday. Seokjin told him that he wanted to participate more on his solo song for the upcoming album.

As usual, Namjoon was so immersed in his work. It’s still morning, but he’s already busy listening to some samples that the members sent him. Headphone on, while the cup of americano left untouched on his side. He didn’t realise that Seokjin entered the studio until he dragged a chair to sit beside him.

Namjoon put his headphone down and began his casual meeting with Seokjin. He’s happy when he first heard that Seokjin wanted to participate more in the song, so he listened to his concept with anticipation. He expected his mat hyung to propose another idea for a ballad, but to his surprise, Seokjin prepared a bright concept which would sound more like alternative rock. A truly fresh idea.

“So… You are the Moon and the Earth is Jungkook?” asked Namjoon after he listened to Seokjin’s lengthy explanation. Not only the concept surprise him, the fact that he wanted to dedicate this song to someone sparked his curiosity because this is the mysterious Seokjin who probably kept more secrets than some of the members combined.

“And ARMY. And all of you. Don’t laugh!” Seokjin snarled and pointed his finger to Namjoon.

“Do you see this face? I’m not laughing, I just…” Namjoon didn’t continue his sentence and just shrugged his shoulders. He sipped his forgotten americano while looking at Seokjin, who spun his chair anxiously.

Uncomfortable with the silence, Seokjin finally stopped and blurted out, “I have something to tell you. I’ve been… uh… sleeping with J— Hey, what’s with that smug face?" Seokjin raised his voice once again, "I just told you a secret! You should be shocked or something.”

Namjoon weren't intimidated by Seokjin's action, instead, he smiled and laughed. “Hyung, how can you expect that we don’t know or at least suspect something when we’re always together? Jungkook has been quiet about it when previously he seems to have so many questions. Someone must have done something and the equally quiet one is you.”

“Hey! I only said J— It could be J-Hope!”

“Come on,” said Namjoon while rolling his eyes, “I just thought that you’re not into sex.”

“I’m still not into sex! JK is an exception. I can’t bear to see him confused like that! I did it with a purpose, you know?”

“Said someone who just dedicated a song for him. So, a purpose for you or him?”

“Oh My God, I’m so done with my dongsaeng! Yah Kim Namjoon, you should be grateful that I’m your hyung! How can you get away with so many things?!”

Seeing Seokjin stand up from his chair and almost leave the room, Namjoon swiftly apologised, “I’m sorry, hyung, you know I love you. You know we love you very much.” It worked because Seokjin sat back on his chair, taking a deep breath which only showed how nervous he was that time.

It’s hard for the members to hide anything from Namjoon. Not only because he’s the leader, but also because they always discuss the upcoming songs with him. Mostly the process started with a quick sharing session about what they’re trying to convey to create the concept, which means that the members must open up to Namjoon. He probably knew almost all the members’ secrets and concerns because of that. So, Seokjin thought that it wouldn’t be bad if he tried to find more information from him.

Namjoon's answer surprised Seokjin.

“How do I know? More like, how do I start?" he spoke with confidence as if Seokjin and Jungkook's little secret is not a secret at all. "Firstly, you often spend the night together with all those loud movie sound that I suppose you don't watch it. Also, when you’re in your apartment, Jungkook would go MIA, then you showed up to the office together.”

That made sense, but Seokjin thought that it’s not a strong enough reason for them to suspect something. On the other hand, the second reason made his heart jump.

“Secondly, you can’t stop touching each other. It just feels different… Seeing you and Taehyung on stage, I can’t deny that the chemistry is great, but with Jungkook it just feels so domestic. Like you both own each other’s body; you can do whatever you want, and you—”

“Okay, that’s it. I’m not comfortable with this conversation,” Seokjin's cut Namjoon's lengthy explanation because this conversation made him too anxious. He's not ready for it.

“That’s exactly my point, hyung. You can do anything with Jungkook. You’re too comfortable with each other. If it’s Jimin or Hoseok, I can understand because they’re naturally touchy. If it’s Taehyung, we all know that he has no idea of personal space since the time he invaded the bathroom. But you? Can you imagine Yoongi being touchy?”

“What the hell…”

“See, that’s you. I don’t know if you notice, but you’re a bit touch averse, especially when we’re not on camera. But apparently, someone has that privilege.”

Seokjin groaned and hide his face on his palms, his voice was muffled when he asked, “Who else knows?”

“Everyone else except you and Jungkook? I mean, they all suspect something,” answered Namjoon nonchalantly.

If he didn’t remember that he hasn’t reached the purpose of his meeting with Namjoon, he’d leave his studio immediately. He’s submerged in a wave of guilt although he knew that he had no reason for it. He tried to take a deep breath—for the umpteenth time during the short discussion—and smoothly maneuvered the conversation to discuss his song instead of his strange relationship with Jungkook.

Namjoon clapped his hands like a slate as a yes, then he prepared his notebook and paid full attention to Seokjin’s explanation. He’s surprised because Seokjin’s perspective was deeply philosophical. He might not be familiar with Socrates or Camus like Namjoon, but he sure had an interesting worldview.

“So, people often put me in a pedestal, like the Moon. People adore it because it’s beautiful and mesmerizing, but if you see it closely, it’s pitch black and full of scars. Meanwhile, the other person, which is the Earth, never realize that they’re more beautiful than the Moon.”

“Why? I like the Moon better," challenged Namjoon.

Seokjin answered in a much more eloquent manner than when they talked about Jungkook, “See? Most people won’t realise it. It’s because Earth is alive and full of colours, Namjoon. The Moon is just a home for dead volcanoes; the Sun is just a ball of fire. What makes them beautiful is the 'purpose' that the ecosystem on Earth gave to them. The Moon and the Sun are meaningful because they’re keeping plants, animals, and humans alive, while the Earth is beautiful in its own way.”

“Whoa, I never thought of it that way. You’re a genius, hyung,” admired Namjoon. He’s busy scribbling on the notebook when he noticed something’s missing, “But then, what's the core message that you’re trying to say? That Earth is more beautiful than the Moon?”

“No," Seokjin corrected Namjoon, "since I’m the Moon, it means that I need my Earth to be who I am today. Even though the Earth may feel insignificant sometimes, they’re not. In essence, even the Moon and the Sun, that you feel are far more superior than you, need you to be their best. It’s a song about being thankful for the other’s presence.”

Namjoon was impressed by Seokjin’s interpretation of the Moon and the Earth. How could he think of that? He’s positive that ‘Moon’ or whatever they decided to title it, will be a hit since it could also act as a fan song. He promised Seokjin that he’d translate his feelings into words so they could work it out together.

That concluded Namjoon’s meeting with Seokjin. Next, there’d be Taehyung and Jimin who’d discuss the concept together with him.

Before Seokjin went out, Namjoon ventured to ask a question that’s been bothering his mind, “Hyung, I’m sorry, but I think I finally have to ask this as a leader of the group. Do you like Jungkook? I mean, for real? More than just sex? Like do you want to be his boyfriend or are you already his boyfriend?”

“I never thought of that before,” Seokjin lied, “but I do see him as more than just a kid. As a man.”

“You dedicate a song for him yet you never thought of that?” Namjoon shook his head, refusing to accept that nonsensical answer.

“Yeah? I just want to give him something. Taehyung and Jimin decided to write a song together too, right? It’s like a dedication page in a book. It’s not that special,” argued Seokjin.

“It’s true, but Jimin and Taehyung’s song is about friendship. Yours is like a love letter and it does sound special to me,” said Namjoon while making sure that he emphasises that part.

“Ah, I don’t know Namjoon, since the beginning everything just kind of happened to us effortlessly. As you said, we’re just too comfortable with each other. But we don’t really talk about that.”

Namjoon finished the last sip of the americano and chuckled, "Effortlessly? I don't think so. It's good that you did it without any agenda, but you reached out to him a lot back in the days, and Jungkook extended his hands to welcome you."

Seokjin never considered that before because for him everything that he did was so natural, hence he's speechless hearing that. While he's busy sorting out all the voices in his head, Namjoon railed him with another question, “How about—”

That's enough. Seokjin raised his voice to assert his authority, stating, “Namjoon, this is too much for me. Let’s just focus on the song first. I promise that we’ll have another conversation after I think about it. Okay? Thanks for your help.”

Just like that, the discussion ended. Seokjin walked to the door when Namjoon stopped him and said, “Last words, hyung. You can hide your relationship—or whatever you choose to call it—but trust me, you can’t hide that you’re in love.”

Seokjin put on an aegyo gesture so Namjoon would back up because he knew he hates that. He succeeded. Namjoon was back to his computer.

Before he put on the headset, he faintly heard Seokjin shouted, “Jungkook-ah!!! Where are you going? Have you eaten yet? Let’s have a snack.”

Namjoon was so done with his hyung. He might be older, but the audacity though. Seokjin didn’t even ask him if he had any breakfast yet and he’s still pondering upon how could the members notice?

He laughed bitterly and sipped on his americano only to find out that there’s nothing left on the cup.

---

Though he’s slightly pissed with Seokjin that morning, Namjoon forgot everything quickly. It’s just a small thing, and he’s sure that he annoyed the members pretty regularly anyway. There’s nothing of benefit from holding grudges.

That night before he went home, he secured an appointment with Bang PD to discuss his morning talk with Seokjin. As Namjoon, he’d gladly support Seokjin and Jungkook, but as the leader of Bangtan, he had to make sure first that everything will run smoothly if he endorsed them.

It relieved him to heard Bang PD said, “Actually, I’m more surprised that you just brought the issue today. I reckon it’d be sooner. From the beginning I established Big Hit, you all know that I appreciate the idea of inclusivity and that’s what you’ve been saying with your music. As you don’t have a dating ban, whether to date boys or girls, I can’t either reject or approve it. It’s their choice.”

“However, it might be hard if they said this around the early years as it’d be too risky for the group dynamic. But they’ve been together for almost ten years; their relationship is progressing maturely. So, I believe that they’ll be responsible. More than that, I believe in your capability to resolve anything. Just remind them of the basic rules,” continued him.

Namjoon knew the basic rules so well because Bang PD and their managers always reminded it to him and Jimin. So, there’s no difference then, and no opposition either. That’s good news.

As he would pull an all-nighter before his trip, he couldn’t wait to share the good news, so he wrote a long ‘read more’ chat to his hyung.

Seokjin replied in an instant, but it’s only a short, “Thanks, Joonie!”

No other explanation or question.

---

SEPTEMBER 2019

For the holiday, Seokjin and Jungkook agreed to spend the time with each other’s family. Seokjin went back to his house while Jungkook went to Busan and Geoje Island to visit his uncle. They understood that they had unlimited time together, so it’s best to spend it with their families who rarely saw them.

Seokjin called Jungkook almost every day, so he knew by name all the friends that Jungkook would meet. He also knew that Jungkook would get several tattoos on his arms when he asked for Seokjin's opinion. But when Seokjin saw the tattoos for the first time, he couldn’t hide that he’s surprised. Jungkook looked so different, mature is perhaps the best word to describe him, even more with his long hair. However, they couldn’t talk about it because the members arrived just in time when they had to fly to New Zealand. Everyone was in a rush.

That time, Jungkook's tattoo had raised some controversies, but Seokjin still didn't think much about it since he knew Jungkook's side of the story. He's already used with the fact that whatever the maknae did, it'd end up as the trending topic, though he couldn't say that he's comfortable with that.

Despite the problem with his travel document, Seokjin could catch up with other members in a separate flight. Being alone in the flight to New Zealand and seeing how fast Jungkook grew in front of him, he spent the time to finish his song which got him pretty sentimental. Even after writing 'Tonight,' the feeling that the happiness that he felt could be taken away easily was lingering still. It only provided a brief sense of relief.

Unfortunately, when he landed, he was greeted by Jungkook’s false dating rumour which was blown out of proportion; it's not even about Jungkook's tattoo anymore. His already sentimental heart was crushed to bits because he only thought about Jungkook during the flight. Only God knew how he used up all his energy to simply lift his chin up.

The earlier days on New Zealand were awkward for both Seokjin and Jungkook. They’re supposed to act happy when deep inside they just wanted to curl up behind the blanket, pretending that everything is just a nightmare.

The first morning at the hostel was the worse. Jungkook impulsively hiked alone without any camera and Seokjin got angry over a bowl of cereal. For the first time in years, he couldn’t finish his breakfast because he kept staring at it with empty eyes.

For them, the scandal made them rethink everything about their relationship and slapped them in the face out of their denial.

After a series of meditation—thank God Jungkook taught him—and self-affirmation, Seokjin finally gained his composure and reached out to Jungkook, which he responded with open arms. They tried to joke around and being playful as usual, sending subtle touch here and there to let each other know that everything's okay between them. Still, they yearned for a time to have a one on one rendezvous.

It’s on the camping night, when Hoseok informed Jungkook, “Jungkook, I was just from the bathroom when I noticed that Jin hyung moved out from the tent. Now he’s sleeping alone in the car. I suppose you may want to talk with him?”

Jungkook was startled to hear that because he and Seokjin tried to mask their emotions all the time. He probably underestimated the members’ sensitivity. Without too much consideration, Jungkook left the campervan after saying thank you to Hoseok and knocked on the cars window.

Seokjin was there on the backseat when he noticed Jungkook. Automatically, just like all the nights that they spent knocking on each other's door, he opened the door and let him in.

“Hyung, I’m sorry,” said Jungkook in a rush, even before he sat down.

“Why? Do you say sorry to everyone privately?” Seokjin sighed, but still trying to make Jungkook comfortable by giving him some space.

Jungkook sat on the corner of the car now with a little space between them. He explained, “No, just you… In the beginning, you looked upset, so I’m scared to talk to you. We also don’t have much time to talk since we’re always in a different car.”

“I’m okay. I’m just tired,” said Seokjin while unconsciously moved further away from Jungkook, curled up at the side of the car.

Seeing that, Jungkook moved closer to Seokjin. “Don’t lie. You murmured to yourself, but still, you complained about me. Jungkook used to be cute, Jungkook used to listen to me well, Jungkook this and that. What was that?" asked him.

“Ah, screw it," Seokjin screamed, "I want to be honest.” He took a deep breath and released everything on his mind, “Why do you think? My boy became a man faster than I expected. I used to be afraid that you're going to move farther away from me when you reached adulthood. I think... I think I’m scared of losing you.”

“You think of that?”

“I do, I often asked, what if one day JK doesn't need me anymore? The thought of you being with someone else and leaving me, of you having your own life without me, I’ve always feared that. Then what happened yesterday just made it seems real. I was too caught up in my head, so I did nothing to comfort you. And I hate myself for that. I’ll never be upset with you," said Seokjin while moving closer to Jungkook this time, their hands were three centimetres away from touching.

Jungkook consoled Seokjin who looked extremely worried, “Hyung… I want to always be with you too. You don’t have to worry.”

“Do you?” It's one centimetre now.

“I do," said Jungkook, and he gave the warmest smile that could melt Seokjin's wariness.

Because of that smile, Seokjin intertwined his fingers with Jungkook's while apologising, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that my frustration came out as that and I confused you. I’m sorry that I’m a mess. As a mat hyung, I should’ve comfort you and make you feel better.”

Seokjin opened his arms next to embrace Jungkook, so Jungkook laid his head on Seokjin’s shoulder as Seokjin brushed his hair softly in response. Seokjin put his face behind Jungkook’s hair, almost kissing his ear and whispered, “It might be too late, but let me know if there’s anything that I can do, okay?”

“I can think of something.”

“What is it?”

“A kiss? So, I know that we’re cool?”

Seokjin knew how bizarre it sounds for a friend to ask for a kiss—not just a peck—casually like that. Nevertheless, he gave Jungkook a forehead kiss instead of their usual kiss. He closed his eyes and stayed that way for almost a minute as if silently reciting a mantra to bless his most beloved person in the world. If only he could say that.

When he opened his eyes, the first thing that caught his attention was Jungkook’s tattoos. It’s the first time for Seokjin to thoroughly traced the tattoos. Since it’s dark and he couldn’t see well, he grabbed Jungkook’s right arm and put it closer to his eyes. He’s glued to the images and scanned them one by one while Jungkook’s busy admiring Seokjin’s face as usual. Seokjin always looked like a statue in Jungkook's eyes.

“Wasn’t it painful? How could you stand that?” Seokjin's question brought Jungkook back to the moment.

“I don’t know. I was numb when I had it," Jungkook answered shortly.

Seokjin didn’t expect that Jungkook’s first tattoos would immediately be a full-sleeve one. His bravery never ceased to amaze him. He put back Jungkook’s arms, but Jungkook refused to let his hand go. He then intertwined his fingers to his and rested both of their arms on his thighs.

“Besides the flower, the most striking one for me is this,” Seokjin pointed out the 'Rather be dead than cool' tattoo and guessed, “It’s Nirvana, right?”

“Yes, I want to look at it whenever I feel out of place and unsupported. Deep down, I have this feeling that people would hate me if they know the real me. But doesn’t every human being deserve to be loved although they’re different?”

“It’s not that they hate you JK, but it’s hard to unlearn something that had been indoctrinated as the truth since they’re still in the womb. Not everyone is lucky enough to escape it.”

“Yeah, but… I just want people to know that I’m still me. That the fact that I love yo— uh boys, won’t change anything about me. Do you also feel like that sometimes, hyung?”

Seokjin was aware of that mistake, but he let it slide. He replied to him instead, “Me? I come to terms with the fact that the world may never fully understand me. It gives me freedom and I stop caring about conformity. I believe that you can do it too.”

“Honestly, I’m not that strong, hyung," Jungkook wailed. "I could endure these tattoos but other people’s judgments? That’s different. So, when the world terrifies me, I want this to be a protective shield for me. A reminder that I’m strong enough to overcome anything that might come. A talisman that I’ll never leave or lose,” his voice cracked and he sighed, “But then maybe it only brings bad luck…”

“Please don’t say that. Let’s not ruminate about it, okay? It’ll bring good luck when it’s the right time,” assured Seokjin while softly caressing Jungkook's arms.

Seokjin couldn’t believe that such an innocent act could be the source of severe mishaps; people losing jobs, random people getting accused, and of course, Jungkook was deeply hurt.

That moment, the 19 years old Jungkook who cried at the dressing room came back. He’s not sobbing and shaking relentlessly as before. Instead, he let tears fell down on his cheek gracefully. He didn’t even move his mouth for a bit; he just stared into nothingness. Seokjin felt that it’s more heartbreaking as they seemed to scream hopelessness.

It’s been long since Jungkook was in this vulnerable state. He wanted to trade place so bad with Jungkook. It’s not fair that the maknae was the first one to receive a huge dating scandal.

Seokjin softly patted Jungkook’s head that’s still resting on his chest and repeated, “It’s okay, it’s okay, it's okay,” until he noticed that the tears stopped.

He wiped the tears away with his sleeve and held Jungkook's hands until it turned into a lazy finger fight. They enjoyed it and giggled to see each other’s effortless move.

How could a simple gesture like this made them lost in a world that only contains just the two of them still baffles them to this day.

They didn’t know who wins the match; it’s just seamlessly finished. Jungkook tossed his shoes and rested his head on Seokjin’s thighs. His long legs were rolled up on the backseat. He then buried his face in Seokjin’s jacket, so Seokjin held him tighter.

He’s warm.

He’s always warm.

Honestly, it’s getting tiring that they always have to be cramped in a narrow space like this, hiding from everyone and the world in general. Seokjin then tapped his hand on Jungkook’s body; his fingers moved as if he’s playing the piano. It looked stupid, but he wanted to hide his nervousness.

“JK,” Seokjin whispered.

“Hmm?” answered Jungkook without moving his head from behind Seokjin's jacket.

“I think I like you.”

Amidst his rapid heartbeat and the sudden goosebumps, Jungkook heard the statement loud and clear. Still, he’s desperate to see Seokjin’s face when he said it. He rolled his head from the jacket and stared directly at Seokjin’s eyes, asking, “What?”

“I like you. Don’t make me repeat that,” Seokjin snarled. He crossed his index finger in Jungkook’s lips only for Jungkook to bite his finger.

Jungkook grinned to see Seokjin's panicked reaction which made him less nervous. He then answered, “You… You know that I like you, right? I even had a tongue slip before, did you notice?”

Seokjin nod and laughed, “Why do you like me, though? I'm old.”

“Old? We just played finger fighting like an eight years old kid.”

“I’m serious.” Seokjin pinched Jungkook's cheek then laughed at the funny face that Jungkook made.

"Hmm… What if I told you that's exactly why? I guess I'm like my dad. I prefer to be with an older person. Not just older, but more mature. A person who can guide me through life and grow together with me. Someone to conquer the harsh life together. I think happiness is simple with you."

Jungkook’s eyes gleamed brightly when he said that. The most beautiful eyes that Seokjin ever saw. He opened his mouth to say something, but Jungkook continued, "I like your face, I worship your body, I adore your quirk, patience, and intelligence. You’re truly a man of class but humble at the same time. You’re elegance personified. Whoa, I speak well and I could go on until dawn,” Jungkook stopped to notice Seokjin’s red ear and continued, “Now you. Why me?"

Seokjin was very aware that Jungkook noticed his red ears, but he tried to stay calm. Jungkook was used to it and it’s only the two of them in the car anyway. He’d rather put his attention to find something as good as Jungkook’s words.

After struggling for a minute, he stroked Jungkook’s chin and wondered, "Your laugh? The way you close your eyes when you laugh and knowing that I gave it to you. It makes me believe that I matter in this world."

Jungkook gave a fake ass laugh which made Seokjin laughed, which made Jungkook genuinely laughed. It’s always amusing for them to be reminded from time to time of how easy it was for them to be happy together.

“I like all the different ways that you hug me and how you always manage to invent a new way to do that. It makes me feel loved,” Seokjin continued.

Suddenly, Jungkook rose from Seokjin’s lap and sat on it, which resulted in Seokjin spread his legs to give him space. In an instant, Jungkook cupped Seokjin’s face in his hands and gave him a prolonged kiss.

“Does that make you feel loved?” asked Jungkook, still keeping his hands on Seokjin’s face.

The even more flustered Seokjin couldn’t help but smile widely at his intense stare.

Just minutes ago, he felt that Jungkook was cute and fragile that nudged his protective side, but then he quickly transformed into this mature side of him. His duality was kind of scary, but Seokjin loves him for that, so he kissed him once again, this time more intense than before with all the padded jacket removed as it's getting too hot for them.

As Jungkook tried to sneak his hand in Seokjin's pants, Seokjin stopped him. He didn't want to stop Jungkook, and he didn't want to stop in just making out either, but he knew that he had to end it before they’re going too far in this risky situation.

"You don't want it? We haven't met in weeks." Jungkook seemed confused as he asked that.

“Of course I want it. But we can't have sex in a car that all the members will use tomorrow. They'll be mad for that. And who knows if one of the cameramen is awake," Seokjin tried his best to give a rational explanation. "You have to go back, JK. Remember, we’re in the middle of filming. The editors would be having a hard time editing the morning scene if we woke up together."

Jungkook hugged him even more tightly. He nibbled on Seokjin's neck and mumbled, "We're already having a hard time right now..." Seokjin's laughed at Jungkook's attempt at the pun while also added a more sarcastic laugh at their fate that night and that week in general. Well, that's life.

Seokjin put Jungkook down from his lap and got him his shoes. He offered, "How about you drive with me tomorrow?"

“Okay, I’ll see if someone’s willing to drive the campervan.”

Jungkook zipped up his jacket and wore his shoes. They went out together from the car as Seokjin thought that the front seat would be more comfortable for him.

They kissed each other goodbye on the cheek and Jungkook whispered, “I love you, hyung, for real,” that Seokjin replied with, “I love you too, JK, more than you know. Good night.”

Jungkook waved his hands and entered the campervan, and Seokjin closed the car’s door and got ready to sleep. He glanced at the campervan with admiration as if he could see Jungkook inside it. A faint smile appeared on his lips.

I like you.

I love you.

They finally said that. But what does that mean?

I love you is confusing to them because they say that too often to other members. They also say it to each other too often.

So, how could they make sure that the other realise that it’s something different?

He tossed and turned on the seat until he finally came into conclusion that when words lose their meaning, he can still trust the sincerity behind those words.

---

After that night, both Seokjin and Jungkook were more excited on the trip. Yoongi was kind enough to offer to drive the campervan, so during the commute to the Nevis swing, they had a fun car karaoke along with Taehyung and Hoseok.

That day, Jungkook jumped around everywhere because there’s a song that’s looped on his head all day, Seokjin’s “I like you.”

He’s on top of the world even before he bungee-jumped from the top of a cliff. On top of that, the rush of adrenaline hit him hard, so Jungkook confidently sent a flying kiss and confirmed afterwards that it’s directed to Seokjin.

He’s smart. He made sure that he did that in the highlight of the day so that the editor couldn’t cut the scene.

The scene that would leave both the members and the viewers wondering and Seokjin’s recalling the “Does that make you feel loved?” from last night. He just knew that it wouldn’t be the last. No one could stop Jungkook when he’s bold.

And he’s right. After they wrapped up the filming for the day, Seokjin noticed a notification on his phone.

Jungkook: I’ll do more than just a flying kiss and an upside-down bungee jumping next time if it makes you happy. I’m up for the challenge.

Seokjin: Stop running and take a rest JK, I’m walking towards you too. I love you.

---

NOVEMBER 2019

Seokjin and Jungkook worked everything out and had been inseparable again since New Zealand. The members knew that as the days both of them spent every break and empty schedule at Seokjin's apartment, only back at the dorm after completely missing for hours.

Since then, they knew that they were clear that both of them had feelings for each other, but they didn’t put a label into it. A part of it was because they’d always be together anyway. They’re already working side by side, living in the same house, sleeping on the same bed, and they didn’t have time to date anyone else. What more could they ask?

At least that’s for Seokjin.

Furthermore, in November, they were busy preparing for the new album that will be released three months later and another grand MMA performance by the end of the month. Therefore, the perfectionist Jungkook was laser-focused on his work.

That afternoon the members were having a meeting to listen to the songs from the new album as they must decide the sequence of the whole album. It’s a time that made Seokjin nervous, because the members, including Jungkook, would listen to his song.

Seokjin stroked his thighs impatiently. He paid attention to the members who were busy nodding their heads and feeling the song. When the song ended, all he heard was compliments. He’s glad about the members’ reactions because for him, ‘Moon’ isn’t a love song or a love letter, it’s love.

Jungkook, who sat across him, was especially impressed. He affirmed the others’ compliment, “Hyung, I’m sure that this song will be loved by many, even non-fans.”

“JK, that’s for you. Do you love it?”

“Me?!” Jungkook glared at Seokjin and jumped out from his chair.

His sudden movement and Seokjin’s statement shocked Jimin, who then fell from the chair. Soon, Hoseok followed because he couldn’t control his laughter after seeing Jimin’s mishaps. Besides Seokjin, Taehyung, who’s been quiet for the session poked his shoulder and shouted, “Really?! Am I dreaming?”

Meanwhile, Yoongi smirked complacently.

That light conversation ended in an unexpected turn for both Seokjin and Jungkook.

Chapter Text

Please don’t say that
You know that it hurts more to hear that
You told me that you’re going to love me
What use is it?
-IU, Ending Scene

15 DECEMBER 2019

“Good morning, JK.”

Some things never changed. Waking Jungkook up was still a tough task, yet Seokjin was always up for it. He told himself that at least he’s easing up the manager’s burden. How could he refuse? After all, he just ended up on Jungkook’s bed again and again, especially during the last three months after New Zealand.

That morning Jungkook refused to wake up because he wanted to continue his dream. He gave more excuses to stay in bed longer, so Seokjin opened the curtain with no mercy. He pinched his butt and threw the night robe at him while scolding him to wash up quickly.

Looking back on it, he’s grateful to see how happy Jungkook was that December.

Having a vacation to New Zealand and Finland for the Winter Package truly healed him. For Seokjin’s birthday, they celebrated it together on Vlive and he drew a moon with an angler on the MMA backstage. That man still teased him by refusing to give him any present, but he always did something sweet to replace that.

Jungkook was getting less anxious too. He’s still uncomfortable with the press camera, but he could manage. One bad day, he's too tired at the airport to Chiba, so Jungkook leaned behind Seokjin, and Seokjin leaned back to him. Jungkook said that he remembers touching Seokjin when he was 19 and how it made him feel better. Again, some things never changed after all these years. And Seokjin kept his promise to stay with him.

Seeing Jungkook happy, Seokjin had a mixed feeling.

On the one hand, he’s relieved because he understood that it’s not unrequited love between them. On the other hand, the thought of officially dating Jungkook scared him. Then again, would it be okay if they date? He’s unsure if he wanted to take his relationship to the next level or if what they do could be considered as a relationship or not.

He felt that dedicating ‘Moon’ for Jungkook made everything more complicated. His initial objective was to give him a platonic gift, just to be clear that Jungkook was special to him, but he failed to be subtle. Namjoon was right; it sounds too romantic.

More than that, there was the spur of the moment confession in the car. Namjoon was right for the second time; he couldn’t hide his feeling for long. One intimate moment plus a desperate attempt to make Jungkook happy on his lowest point equalled that.

What an irony for him to think of all that while looking at Jungkook, who’s brushing his teeth in front of the mirror. He ignored the sleeping robe and walked around comfortably only on his boxer—what a sight.

Seokjin would do everything for Jungkook. When Jungkook took out his adlib on ‘Jamais Vu,’ he didn’t put any opposition. He trusted him and his decision. He knew from years ago that making other people happy is a way to make himself happy. He dealt with that.

Jungkook would do everything to be number one, but he’d gladly accept number two if Seokjin could be the first. He’d be the first one to clap for him and cherished his achievements because Seokjin is always his first in everything.

That much they knew.

They also knew how much they love each other.

But what lies ahead in the future for them? A straight dating scandal in the industry would lead to an enormous problem, let alone a gay dating scandal. On that account, Seokjin felt content and safer just by watching Jungkook from afar. Just like that morning.

Seokjin watched Jungkook’s back stretched and flexed in front of the wardrobe, serenaded by rhetorical questions of what he should wear today. Even when he chose to fill his closet with same monochromatic coloured clothes, he’s still baffled by the choice. Seokjin guessed that it’s only time until Jungkook buys the same type of clothes to avoid the hassle.

He cherished a moment like this. The way that he viewed the relationship might be unusual and even inaccurate, but it didn’t mean that he loves Jungkook any less.

When Jungkook was ready, he pulled Seokjin from the chair on the corner of the room and they went out together for breakfast. They had to hurry today since it’s the 2nd day of the 5th Muster in Osaka.

A perfect morning and a perfect concert, but not so perfect evening.

---

Bangtan was having a concert just like they did yesterday. The energy and the atmosphere were similar, but this time, during the ending ment, Jungkook proposed to Seokjin.

He gave him a single red rose with a ring attached to it. Seokjin burst into tears when he said yes, then Jungkook lifted him and kissed him on stage.

They swirled around the stage as if they owned the world. The cameras didn’t shy away from the moment and put them on the giant screens for ARMY to cheer on them. Not a single person was mad or upset.

That’s the reason why Jungkook didn’t want to wake up this morning.

If a dream is a glimpse of a parallel reality, could he cease to exist in this universe and move there? Or was it a sign to turn it into reality?

It could be.

The next sign that he received was during the song ‘Love Maze.’ Seokjin specifically went to Jungkook to sing his line while they merged their palms together. The lyrics were meaningful for Jungkook as it’s about holding on to love despite the world that would keep them apart. His heart fluttered as he imagined Seokjin sang it with sincerity.

Two signs were enough as a premonition. Jungkook texted his assistant to prepare a red rose for him and put it in a closed bag. He’d take it as soon as he arrived in Korea.

---

Jungkook stood in front of the mirror while rehearsing his line. On the table, there’s a half-empty wine bottle, a red rose, and a note. He must speak well tonight, so he needed that boost. Little did he know that it’s something that he’d deeply regret later.

He's ready. In his room, Jungkook was positive that he and Seokjin are on the same page. He’s confident that the plan would run out smoothly.

With hopes soared high in the sky, he gathered his courage to walk to Seokjin’s room and knocked on the door.

It took Seokjin five seconds to open the door.

“JK,” welcomed Seokjin with a huge grin, “Do you want to sleep with me again tonight?”

Jungkook eyed on Seokjin’s look. With pyjamas and cardigan, he must be ready to sleep. Meanwhile, Seokjin eyed at Jungkook’s weird gesture and how his hands were tied to his back when usually he’d hug him in an instant.

“Depends,” answered him with a shaky voice, “but can we talk?” Seokjin was aware that Jungkook couldn’t stop rubbing his arms that were hidden behind him.

“Sure, come in,” said him while closing the door.

Jungkook was glued to the wall beside the door. Before Seokjin could ask the reason, Jungkook told him to close his eyes. As expected, Seokjin tilted his head trying to understand the situation, but he shortly followed Jungkook’s instruction.

There’s one principal reason Jungkook decided to give him a back hug: he’s scared to see Seokjin’s reaction. When he linked his arms to Seokjin’s shoulders, suddenly, there’s an alarm on his head that told him to stop. There was a sudden rush of bad feeling, when before, from the morning to the moment he stood in front of the mirror, he’s being nothing but hopeful.

But it’s too late to back up, so he kissed Seokjin’s ear and whispered, “Open your eyes.”

A red rose and a note appeared in front of Seokjin’s eyes. It’s only a short note with big handwriting so he could read it in an instant.

Jin hyung,
You said that I’m your everything.
Am I your boyfriend too?
-JK ♥

The pandora box was finally opened.

There’s a reason that Seokjin was anxious that morning. Now he must face it, but he’s paralysed. For a moment, he couldn’t even blink or move his fingers. What if he made a grave mistake? He considered himself lucky that Jungkook couldn’t see his panicked face at that moment.

Seokjin tried to turn his back, but Jungkook held him tighter, the rose and the note pressed to his chest now. He whispered again, “Please stay still,” then let out a deep sigh and continued, “Hyung, we talked about our feelings, but then, what are we? Are we in a relationship? Because I’d love to be your boyfriend. So, please turn around only if it’s a yes.”

What just happened?

Jungkook let go of the hug and Seokjin turned around.

Jungkook concluded that it must be a yes, then? But why didn’t he look happy?

He embraced Jungkook on his arms and buried his head on Jungkook’s neck. He knew that Seokjin prefers action instead of words, so it's a yes, right?

Seokjin acted weird, according to Jungkook. He still hugged him when he tucked and fixed Jungkook hair without saying anything. It’s almost as if it’s his last minutes to live and he's desperate to savour the moment.

Jungkook was dying of the anticipation. His legs almost give up to stand tall. He’s withering and the lack of verbal response confused him. Was it really a yes? Why did he keep delaying the answer?

After what seemed like an hour, Seokjin brushed Jungkook’s cheek. His sharp eyes gazed at him when he asked, “Do you… want it? A relationship?”

“Well, do you, hyung? I thought you do?” Jungkook tried to read Seokjin’s facial expression that made him even more cautious. “Isn’t that the point of giving me a song? And the night in the car?”

The water bottle on the desk called Seokjin. He moved away from Jungkook and took a sip. He played with the bottle cap as if it was the most precious thing in the room. He replied with eyes glued on the bottle, “Don’t you think the Moon and the Earth will keep orbiting each other until the day the world ends? But they’re just the Moon and the Earth. How can they go against the providence of the universe?”

Jungkook immediately noticed the reference. It’s a movie that they watched together at the end of 2018.

“Is this about the movie? Hyung, we live at the same time and space. We have five years age gap, but we meet every day. It’s an imaginary story, but we’re real,” Jungkook half-screamed from across the room.

“I know, still…” His eyes scanned every part of the room beside the front of the door where Jungkook stood still.

“You’re not answering me, hyung.” The rose and the note fell from his hand as Jungkook came closer to Seokjin, took the bottle cap, and closed the bottle. He needed answers, “That line in ‘Love Maze,’ am I wrong to think that you sang it for me?”

“No, but it’s complicated, JK.”

“Why? Because we deserve a sad ending too?”

Seokjin could sense that Jungkook’s voice began to crack. It's not the best time to talk. They just finished a 3 hours concert, a promotional shooting, and more hours on rehearsal. It’s not even an hour after they arrived at the dorm. He reasoned, “Do you really want to talk about it now? We’re both tired, how about we take a rest and talk about it tomorrow?”

“Are you throwing me out from your room?”

“What? No.”

“Then, please answer me.”

Seokjin tried his best to speak softly while holding Jungkook’s hand, “Jagiya, the fact that you exist in my life is enough to make me happy. I don’t think I deserve anything more.”

There’s a hint of excitement within him since it’s the first time Seokjin called him with that word. But what use was that? What’s the point of those sweet words and gestures if they won’t be together in the end? It only hurt him more.

Seokjin just killed him slowly, but Jungkook would rather take a bullet on his head and be done with it.

Because a quick death is better than dying.

As usual, Jungkook started to space out, so Seokjin comforted him, “Hey, listen to me. Think about this. I’ll enlist soon. I’ll be in the military for two years. I want you to be strong and happy at that time. Living your best youth instead of spending it waiting for me, being sad because of me, closing the door when you might find someone else. Worse than that, I don’t want you to get into a scandal because of me.”

Jungkook was on fire. At first, the flame was full of passion and desire, but now he’s ready to burn everything in sight. “I already got one, though,” complained him with a raised voice. He released his hand from Seokjin’s.

Seokjin gulped. It’s a lie to say that he wasn’t upset with the tone, but he tried to be the bigger person—as he should—and pleaded, “Hey, I love you; you love me. You'll always be my priority, but do we have a future together as a lover? Let’s think about it first together, okay? Let’s think about you, JK, you’re so young.”

“I’m 23!” Jungkook couldn't hide his emotion any longer as he shouted.

“Exactly, you’re on your early twen—”

Jungkook threw away the water bottle that’s still on his left hand. It hit the metal trash can and made quite a noise. Now he yelled at Seokjin on his full Busan accent, “Why are you always pulling out that age card? 23 is old enough! I’m probably more responsible than any 23-year-old out there because I grew up in the industry. And 28 isn't that old! My parents have an age gap too. Why does it matter so much for you? You’re unbelievable, hyung!”

“JK…” Seokjin gestured at Jungkook to lower down his volume. He’s afraid that Yoongi and Namjoon, who were next to his room, would be disturbed. It’s a long day and they deserved a restful night.

To be honest, Seokjin was extremely tired too that night. Seeing Jungkook acted up like this drained up his energy to the last bits.

But Jungkook hadn’t finished yet. He continued, “Then what, the fact that we’re gay? Oh, my bad, you’re not! You can still marry a woman and have a normal life! Let's have fun with Jungkook and left him then, like that?”

“Yah, watch your mouth," Seokjin almost lost his patience but then he calmed Jungkook down by holding his arm, saying, "Let’s take a deep breath first,” but Jungkook forcefully escaped from him.

“What else, then? The fact that most Koreans don’t accept same-sex relationship? Hyung our families know that we like men and they’re supportive. I talked with mine about us and it won’t be hard to convince yours. We have tons of money, much more than we need. After all of this end, we could live together. We just couldn’t get legally married yet. It’s not even that hard!” Jungkook spoke without a pause, letting everything out.

However, hearing that sacred word made Seokjin stuttered, “Ma-marry?”

“Yes, m-a-r-r-y. Come on, hyung, why can’t you see me that way? Am I just a kid with whom you play bride and groom like it’s nothing? Whom you flirt and have sex just for fun?”

“JK…“

”JK, what? Are you just pitying me all this time? Did you even want to have sex with me in the first place?” He made sure that Seokjin looked him in the eyes when he stated, “Hyung, I’m a grown-up, I don’t need that. I’m not that timid 15 years old boy anymore, and I worked so hard for that…”

His voice shook at the last seven words.

Jungkook never thought before that silence could be equally overwhelming as noise. All he heard were the sound the AC, clock, and his throbbing headache, and yet they were so loud they almost burst his ears.

What just happened?

“What if you'd be happier with someone else?” Seokjin broke the silence.

“With whom?”

“I don’t know. Someone. Someone much better than me.”

“Then what about you? What if I want to make you happy?”

Seokjin didn’t answer. He moved to sit on the bed to help him relax and explained, “JK, the longest that we’ve been apart since we debuted is what? A month? Do you want to spend two years waiting for me?”

He wished that Jungkook could just say yes. If he calmed done and said yes, they’d finished the fight; they’d talk things through in a levelheaded discussion objectively.

His wish didn’t come true as Jungkook continued to snap harder. He kicked the edge of Seokjin’s bed and kept on raving, “Why do you doubt me so much? Just tell me that it’s you who want to find someone else! Don’t put it on me!”

End of discussion. Seokjin couldn’t take it anymore. He’s on the verge of snapping back at Jungkook, so he had to leave the room immediately before they ended up in a horrible physical fight. He’s more than sure that they’re capable of doing that.

He lifted Jungkook’s chin harshly and said, “I don’t think we can get anything from this conversation. I’m leaving.”

Seeing Seokjin being harsh at him, Jungkook instantly calmed down. It’s a new sight for him and a sight that none of the members ever encountered. The thrill alone was enough to put him back on track.

Instead of shouting, Jungkook cried and hugged Seokjin from the back when he opened the door. He whined, “Hyung, why? Why do you always insist on being alone? I’m here. I’m always here. Will you please be honest with me and just tell me what’s on your mind?”

For the first time in history, Seokjin utilised his strength to release himself from the hug. It’s a battle of strength between them when Jungkook refused to let his cardigan go, so Seokjin decided to take it off and left it on Jungkook’s hands.

Seokjin turned his head, but he stopped halfway then kept on walking. It’s enough for Jungkook to recognize that it’s not only his ears that were red but also his whole face.

“Hyung, why can’t you see me…? I’m here for you too…” Jungkook said that multiple times like a broken record, but Seokjin already left his room.

The door was closed.

The room turned blurry and his breath shortened. The headache was insane. Maybe if he tore the note and stepped on the rose, it’d be better.

It didn't get better.

He dragged his heavy feet to Seokjin’s bed, which took so long since the room was getting bigger. There’s a loud thump when he fainted to the bed.

It’s always like this, he thought.

The day when his parents attended the concert in London, he’s injured. The day he had his first time with someone that he’s been pining for years, he told him not to fall for him. The day he’s excited about his tattoo, people turned it into a mess. Now the day after he had a beautiful dream, a man of his dream rejected him.

He often questioned himself whether he's overreacting that night, but how could he not when he experienced all of that?

Why did life have to be so harsh on him?

The grey curtain on the room flickered until it screened the scenes from the last night’s dream, now with a close up to the ecstatic faces of the couple. Stupid dream, stupid premonition.

He rolled his body and stared at the bedsheet instead. It flickered again until a hologram of him and Seokjin entangled to each other blinded his eyes. It left him in an unquenchable thirst.

Even his hallucinations mocked him, so he closed his eyes with the sweater that he still held tightly.

What just happened? Is this the end?

Jimin was the first person that came into Seokjin’s mind to accompany Jungkook. He knocked on the door of his shared bedroom only to find out that Hoseok was alone in there. Hoseok explained that Jimin was busy with his boyfriend's duty, having a midnight call on the porch.

It’s evident to Hoseok that Seokjin was frantic—his eyes were out of focus and his body was shaking—so Hoseok asked if he’s okay and offered to help him. He didn’t explain much and asked Hoseok to help him checked on Jungkook instead. Hoseok did that an instant.

The door creaked open as his foot was trampled upon a crumbled rose and a torn note. The only thing that he could hear is his own breath. That’s the time he realised that this might be more serious than he expected.

Hoseok found Jungkook crawled up on the bed; his face was hidden behind Seokjin’s cardigan. He froze for a bit to figure out what could make him so shattered like this. Then he sat on the bed and gave Jungkook the warmest hug that he deserved. Jungkook jerked as he noticed that someone was next to him, but he let it when he heard that it’s Hoseok.

“Cry, cry, Jungkookie, let everything out.” Hoseok's empathetic voice and soft tap soothed Jungkook a bit.

Hoseok was busy patting Jungkook’s shoulder when he finally showed his face from the cardigan. He cried, “Hyung, why does the person who gives me the utmost happiness also gives me the utmost sadness?”

Hoseok tousled Jungkook’s hair and gazed at him lovingly.

It sounded familiar to him. He rehearsed the answer in his mind a year ago, “I think that’s love. Perhaps love is not that glorious and perfect idea; it’s imperfect just like that. Perhaps we just led to believe that it’s something grand when it’s not. Ah, I’m sorry if it doesn’t help you…”

Jungkook stared at the ceiling while contemplating Hoseok's words. At least no memory could come out from the ceiling.

“What I want to say is, love needs effort and it’s going to worth the effort. Don’t worry Jungkookie, let’s take a step back for a while and soon you’ll be glued to him as usual. Jimin fought with Taehyung once and it only brought them closer, so will you and Jin hyung.”

Finally, he looked at Hoseok in his eyes and said thank you. Hoseok’s smile was always bright; it’s in contrast with Jungkook’s face. He didn’t want to imagine how he looks like that night.

“And Jungkook, happiness should come from you, not another person. You are your own hope,” said Hoseok while hugging Jungkook tight.

Hoseok’s words comforted him, but it didn’t fully alleviate the pain. It’s more than a broken heart for him; it’s like a broken soul. He realised that he couldn’t bear to see Seokjin’s face again if they're not on the same page. At least not tonight or tomorrow.

“Hyung, please told Jin hyung to leave me alone. I don’t want to see him.”

“But we have a schedule together tomorrow…”

“Then told him to pretend that I don’t exist.”

Hoseok was startled to hear such a snarky response, but he kept trying to calm Jungkook down by patting his back. “Jungkookie, we’re tired tonight. I promise that tomorrow will be better,” reassured Hoseok.

“It’s almost two, so technically it’s already tomorrow. I still feel like shit,” Jungkook still snapped.

There’s nothing else that he could do, so Hoseok gave up. He simply reminded Jungkook to take a rest while accompanying him on the bed.

Not long after that, Jungkook moved to his room. He left the wet cardigan on Seokjin’s bed and the rose and the note in front of the door. Hoseok asked if he wanted to be accompanied, but as usual, he preferred to be alone.

Just seconds after Hoseok walked away from Jungkook’s door, he heard music blasted loudly. He could only imagine what Jungkook did there. He texted Taehyung to let him know that his next-door roommate was in a bad place so that he wouldn’t blast into Jungkook’s room angrily. He’d probably let Taehyung to sleepover in his room if it’s too noisy for him.

What just happened? Is this the end? Or is it just a fight?

----

When Hoseok arrived in his room, Seokjin sat still on the floor while Jimin hadn’t come back from his phone call. Hoseok told Seokjin that Jungkook was back to his room, but he didn’t ask more as he valued his privacy. Or rather, he knew how hard it is to open up to other people.

After thanking him, Seokjin was ready to leave the room, but he stopped as if he's suddenly aware that he owes Hoseok an explanation. His hand was already on the doorknob when he looked back to Hoseok and blurted, “JK confessed to me.”

“Confessed? Didn’t you two do that a long time ago?”

“Yes, but he just asked me to be his boyfriend.”

Well, they’re not? After New Zealand and all the time they spent together, Hoseok thought they are. So, it’s just a friends-with-benefit thing then, but the possessiveness didn’t add up. Apart from that, he’s still confused; shouldn’t it be a happy story?

That’s just how clueless the members were.

Hoseok couldn’t give him advice because they knew almost nothing of their relationship. All he could do was to provide strength to console him. “Whatever he said to you, please don’t take it personally, hyung. I think he’s a bit drunk,” Hoseok added.

Seokjin gave Hoseok a half-smile, agreeing, “I reckon. Poor him, he probably just wanted to speak more eloquently. However, I think it just made him more honest. He finally spoke his mind. I’ll talk to him again tomorrow after he calms down.”

“Ah, that. I almost forget. I’m sorry, but he told me that he doesn’t want to speak to you for a while. But it’s up to you. I’m just delivering his message.”

Hoseok could notice that Seokjin’s face changed in an instant. For a millisecond, his eyes twitched and his mouth frown, then he started to mask his emotion again. He went out from his room after he thanked him once again, dragging away the gloom with him.

---

THE PRESENT

Even Earth and Moon are going to pass each other. Always the same distance apart, circling around and around. If those two were dating, it’d be pretty rough.

It’s a movie, but doesn't a movie act as a reflection of reality? A magnifying glass that accentuates the tragedy in life?

If Seokjin was selfish, he and Jungkook could end up together so easily, but Seokjin always thought about Jungkook before himself. Did Jungkook really want to commit to him or was it just because he didn’t know another person? The question from years before still persist, did Seokjin groom Jungkook into falling in love with him, leaving him with no choice?

That’s only about Jungkook, let alone the risks that they’ll take as Bangtan. As South Koreans.

In a country where the norm is to hide a different sexual orientation, everything about them is complicated. It’s unfair, but that’s a fact.

If Jungkook couldn’t take the relationship maturely, it’d be a lost cause. If they didn’t have a strong foundation, they’d break up because of the pressure. They’d only postpone the hurt and, in a sense, it’d also break up the group. Seokjin is devastated to admit that, but he’ll choose the least risky path even though it means that he has to sacrifice his feelings.

Is love always this scary for everyone?

The intense feeling. The serendipitous connection that’s surprisingly too easy to build. It’s new for Seokjin, who’s usually cold and indifferent towards people.

The more he tries to make sense of it, the more it doesn’t make sense to him.

The only logical explanation that comes to his mind is to let his feeling go. To let Jungkook go.

What can they expect from their relationship? Jungkook is that inapproachable golden maknae. He will continue to shines brighter and brighter in this industry with or without him. Maybe even with or without Bangtan.

As if Seokjin deserves him.

As if people would support them.

He wouldn’t let Jungkook commit career suicide.

He knows what he should do. That the correct way to love him was to set him free.

But it hurts because even if it’s just a 1% chance than they would work out in the long-term future, he wanted to put a blinds eye to the 99% and hold on to the 1%.

It baffles him since he’s an expert in letting go. It’s never hard to cut people from his life as he did with his ex-boyfriend and irrelevant people that came into his life to use him. But Jungkook isn’t just people; he’s always an exception for Seokjin.

Then what would be the best decision? Should he be logical or should he follow his conscience?

What if it’s not Jungkook, but it’s his low self-esteem that’s trying to sabotage his happiness? He sure does fear happiness sometimes because he knows that it won’t last.

He picks up the torn note and spends a good amount of time to put it back together. He lets out a relieved sigh to see it preserved on his camera roll.

Set as wallpaper
Apply
Set as Home screen

While waiting for the glue to dry, he opens his liquor cabinet. It’s time to sit down, collect his thoughts, and make a decision.

He glanced once again at the torn note and murmured, “Good night, JK.”

Chapter Text

I tried too for our love
Like a person trying to catch an impossible dream
Love takes effort
But sometimes it doesn’t work with the effort
-Park Won, Try

17 DECEMBER 2019
TWO DAYS AFTER THE FIGHT

Jungkook spends the last two days in an autopilot mode. He’s grateful for his body’s intelligence and muscle memory as they move on their own during practice while his head is on the cloud.

Mostly, he ponders upon Hoseok’s advice about happiness.

Without a doubt, that fight is messy and Seokjin’s words hurt him, yet it feels wrong to blame someone else for his unhappiness and at the same time, depending on someone else to make him happy. In just two days, he understands how much he’s attached to Seokjin these past eight years. That’s probably the reason behind Seokjin’s concern.

Jungkook doesn’t even dare to imagine his two years without Seokjin. He always shoves it away, thinking that it’s not going to happen soon, but it’s coming. If nothing changes, Seokjin must go by the end of 2020 which means that they only have one more year before they're apart. So, what does he want?

Contrary to what he said to Hoseok, these two days, Jungkook’s bedroom door is never closed. There’s always a gap left, luring someone to come and visit to give him words of encouragement, but never that someone.

The members are more discreet this time as it’s a private matter between Jungkook and Seokjin. It’s not a part of the group’s business as they can see that they still act professionally at work.

Mainly, the straights in the group are the most careful as they know their place. They understand that there’s a limit for them in understanding the complexities of a same-sex relationship. What seems easy for them might be hard for the stigmatised.

As Jungkook regrets his harsh remarks and actions deeper and deeper each time, he starts to consider the option of him approaching Seokjin’s first.

He's aware that he’s the one who snapped. He's also the one who told Hoseok to ask Seokjin to leave him alone. The problem is, the event is a bit traumatic for him. He’s afraid that Seokjin will leave again if he approaches him first, which will crush him even more.

Jungkook rolls on his bed, trying to figure out the best decision. His pillows and blanket are scattered on the floor as he kicks and punches them with no mercy. Like years ago, the night after the busy day is still the scariest.

Bangtan has many performances at the end of the year. It won’t be right if they’re still stuck in the silent war. It’ll be hard to mask his emotion on stage and he fears that ARMY will be concerned about him, so he knows that he must do something. But he doesn't know how.

In the middle of slapping himself to think faster, suddenly someone knocks his door.

It’s Seokjin; he knows that. After almost two years of quietly visiting each other’s bedroom, they learn to differentiate the way each other knocks or rings the hotel room's bell. He gets up from the bed with a glimpse of hope.

It’s him; he’s right. He must’ve taken a shower because he smells like soap. Jungkook loves it a lot. He wants to pin him against the wall and kiss him, pretend that nothing’s ever happened and everything’s going to be okay, but he shakes the thought off. He still can’t see Seokjin in the eye, so he immediately crawls back on his bed after opening the door.

Noticing that Jungkook’s room is a mess, Seokjin folds the blanket and puts the pillow back on the bed. He straightens the sheet on his side of the bed then joins Jungkook who’s hiding his face behind his arms.

Because of that, Jungkook only hears the sound of what Seokjin did until he feels Seokjin’s body pressed on his back. He whispered, “I miss you. Just two days without talking to you feels empty.”

“Whatever.” That sounds harsher than what Jungkook implies.

“JK, I’m sorry. How could you forgive me?”

Jungkook concentrates hard so that he won’t cry. He keeps his eyes close then quietly replies, “Show me that you love me.”

“How?”

“I don’t know.”

Seokjin pauses as if he's thinking, Jungkook can't see it since he's still covering his eyes with the blanket. With a tap on Jungkook's shoulder, Seokjin made sure that he heard him, “Okay, I'll do it. Hey, look at me.” He pinches Jungkook's arm, but Jungkook stays still. Instead of turning Jungkook's body to face him, Seokjin walks to his side, sits on the floor, and stares directly at his face.

Jungkook opens his eyes as he feels Seokjin’s breath wakes his sense up. He can’t hide his tiny smile to see him this close again.

Seokjin clarifies, “JK, all I asked that night is a time for us to talk things through, but I don’t think that we could do it. That’s the reason I leave, to prevent something worse from happening. I’m sorry, it doesn’t mean that I want to leave you.”

As Jungkook listens to him, Seokjin’s voice does wonder to ease his tension. He opens his previously closed posture and lets his hands drop down from the corner of the bed.

“I want us to make a responsible decision together because there are just too many uncontrolled variables that we should consider. I hope you’ll understand that,” continues Seokjin.

“Are you talking about business right now?”

“No, but to some extent, it is. It’s a fact that we must accept if we want to go far. We’re also BTS Jin and BTS Jungkook.” Seokjin gives a bitter laugh as he says that.

Jungkook hasn't fully believed Seokjin yet, so he asks, “What made you change your mind?”

“I didn’t," Seokjin answers sharply. "I was overwhelmed by your sudden questions and my negative thoughts, but as far as I remember, I’ve always wanted to be with you, and I still am, but I have to think about you too.” He concluded his words with a smile, and he kept smiling though Jungkook doesn't give him any response.

Looking at his hyung being patient like that, suddenly Jungkook understands that Seokjin was just being logical that night. A simple thing that his utterly embarrassed and half-drunk mind couldn’t process well.

Just because we paused and took time to think, it doesn’t mean that we don't want it as much as you.

Namjoon’s words from 2018 are still carved on the back on his mind, yet he forgot it when he needed it the most.

Jungkook sits and rests his back on the headboard. He scoots over to the side and makes room for Seokjin to sit.

Seokjin follows.

They sit next to each other and their shoulders touch. Their glances meet yet they turn away immediately as they’re too shy to look at each other’s faces.

“Hyung… Honestly, after you said that, I also think, am I ready to take that path? Am I brave enough? Am I just pretending to be strong?” Jungkook contemplates while playing with his fingers.

“Oh?”

Jungkook hugs his knees as he can’t block his tears anymore. He hides his face.

After sobbing for some time, he tilts his head to look directly at Seokjin and pleads, “Hyung, I’m sorry I was too emotional that day. You gave me a song, you told me that you like me, you made me happy on stage, but then you said that we don’t have a future, so I don’t know what to think. I’m sorry I snapped. I don’t mean any of the harsh words that I said to you.”

“Hey, that’s fine," soothes Seokjin as he pats Jungkook's hair. "I fully realise that it’s partly my mistake. I’m sorry for leaving you that day. I wanted to give you space.” Now Seokjin holds Jungkook's hand, and finally, Jungkook holds back tighter. Finally. Seokjin smiles and continues, “I want to talk to you the next day, but Hoseok told me that you need some time alone. I’m here because I can’t do more than two days.”

Seokjin wipes Jungkook’s tears with his sweater paws and continues to compliment the man beside him, “From that night, I learn a lot from your courage and strength. I feel ashamed that you’re the one who wants to make our relationship official, though you’re younger than me. I overthink, but I think alone when we should’ve done it together because it’s our journey, not mine or yours.”

“A journey?”

How Seokjin misses that doe eyes of him. Eyes that are full of hopes and passion. “Yes. If we’re going to do this, I want it to be real and long-lasting between us. Building a strong foundation for our relationship is the only way that I can think of to assure that,” says him while still fixing his gaze at Jungkook's syes.

Jungkook closes his eyes to collect his thoughts. After a while, he replies, “That night, I was broken to realise how much I owe my happiness to you. It was like 2018…but harder. I felt fragile, yet at the same time, it’s like a wakeup call. I think I have a lot to sort out from within me.”

“Me too, my self-esteem for one. And Jungkook, I feel the same way too. You don't know how much it broke me when you're injured or when you're attacked by some rumours. I'm scared of you being hurt more than I'm scared of myself being hurt. So, let’s do it together, okay? Now, are we cool?” asks Seokjin while offering his right palm. Jungkook shakes his hand firmly alongside with a smile.

Seeing that Seokjin rests his head on Jungkook’s shoulders and interlinks their arms together. His eyes stare at the tattoo. Please love me, how fitting. Then he notices the faded scratches.

“I’m not mad at you, hyung, I think I’m mad at the situation we’re both in.”

“Me too. I’m mad with myself for not taking hints,” teases Seokjin while pinching Jungkook’s nose, “You’ve liked me for a long time, haven’t you? Earlier than Osaka?”

“Ah, that? No! You like me first!” Jungkook argues, though he always thinks that Seokjin's right; Jungkook likes him first.

Seokjin likes Jungkook's eyes since the beginning. That much is true. Everyone knows as he speaks about it often. But then again, Jungkook's eyes are beautiful, he believes everyone will feel the same way. Seokjin keeps the thought in his mind, and instead, he counters, “Huh? No, I don’t!”

Jungkook tries to arrange a sound argument, “Yes, you do! You took me out first, you did things that you never did to your other dongsaeng, you even tried to kiss me on that game on Rookie King. You just didn’t realise it.”

"I did? I don't remember," Seokjin laughs hard knowing that Jungkook still remembers those early debut days.

"Ah, hyung," Jungkook pouts, back to his spoiled self when he's with Seokjin, "It's on Youtube."

"Oh, do you watch our old videos? Do you miss me that much?"

Jungkook makes a bigger pout and sneers at Seokjin. He's cute, Seokjin thought, and he knows so well that acting cute always let him get away with everything. It makes Seokjin lets out his unique laughs. Hearing that, Jungkook shortly follows.

Finally, he can hear Jungkook’s laugh again after two days. What a relief. He loves it so much he wants to be able to give it to him forever.

From the conversation this night, they decide to postpone the confession. They make it clear that there are three reasons for them to be overly cautious: (1) they're a same-sex couple; (2) they work in the same group; and (3) that group is Bangtan. Whether they’re willing or not, they must devise strategies if they want to stay in each other’s future.

Moreover, Seokjin gives Jungkook an ultimatum, “It’s okay if you just want to have fun, we can keep doing what we’ve been doing, no strings attached. But if you want a serious relationship, there are many things that we have to consider." He pauses to gulp then continues, "I'll follow whatever your decision is, JK.”

“I want a serious relationship. I want it even if you asked me this in 2018," Jungkook answers firmly. There’s not even an ounce of doubt in his voice.

Jungkook's words remind him of his stupid remark, so he better apologises for that too. “Ah, I'm sorry for what I said back then. It's my stupid defence mechanism."

"And I'm sorry I broke my promise. I already fell for you anyway," confesses Jungkook with a shy smile. How can he be this cute?

They giggle together as they get less awkward, then discuss more and more things that night, still on the bed.

When the clock strikes one, Seokjin sums up the discussion, "Okay then, let’s take a step back, start anew, consider things thoroughly, and make the decision whenever you’re ready. Again, I’ll follow whatever your decision is.”

“Deal, I’ll let you know when I have the answer,” Jungkook replies.

Then silence.

They stare at each other, each thinking if it’s okay to make a move first. They’re busy calculating how much of a step back that they want to take and how to make sure that this one’s different than before.

They still think even when Seokjin puts his hand on the back of Jungkook’s head and brushes his hair.

They still think even when Jungkook's eyes are fixed to Seokjin's lips.

It’s a rare occasion when Seokjin initiates the kiss first; the last time is their first time together in this room. Regardless, Jungkook replies a hundred time more fiercely as he pulled Seokjin closer to him.

Their hands were all over each other until Seokjin takes the lead and pushes Jungkook. His body slips and sinks to the bed. Seokjin then kisses him everywhere. Slowly but with a hint of urgency.

Now the shadow of his face looms over his pants. Once again, it reminds him a lot of his first time which reminds him of something else.

It’s that—the missing link.

Strikes by a wave of realisation, Jungkook groans in agony, raises his body, and gently throws Seokjin to the side. It leaves Seokjin confused.

“I’m sorry, hyung, I think we should stop…”

“I’m sorry, I thought you want it. Usually, you do? Are you okay? Are you tired? Just tell me, what do you want me to do with you?” Seokjin can't hide that he's panicked.

His hunch is right, so he comforts him, “I’m okay. It’s just… I suddenly remember you said that you do this to make me happy—and I am. But I want to prove to you that I’m not in this just for sex; I’m here for you.”

Jungkook helps Seokjin to straighten up his back on the headboard. He holds his hand and further explains, “It could also be distracting as I can’t think straight when we’re doing that. So, maybe it’s better if we stop for the time being?”

Seokjin is speechless. After the pregnant pause, he replies, “Thank you, JK, for being so thoughtful of me even though I know that it's tough for you. No one ever does that to me before. I appreciate that a lot. You know I’ll do anything you ask.”

“Anything except being my boyfriend?” teases Jungkook while pinching Seokjin's cheek with his two hands. He needs that to ease the tension.

“Hey, I didn’t say no. I turned around, didn’t I? Still, it’s not a decision that we can make in seconds, JK.”

“I understand, hyung. I know you’re just thinking of me. Thank you.”

Then silence again, until Seokjin asks, “Can I kiss you one more time?”

“Kissing is okay.”

They kiss once again, this time way less sloppy than before. As soon as it finished, Seokjin asks, “Can we cuddle tonight?”

“Ahjussi, you have too many requests.” As he sees Seokjin pouts, he adds, “Yes, you can. I miss you too.”

Rather than sleeping looking at each other as they always do, Jungkook yearns to be caressed, so Seokjin spoons him from behind tonight. When he’s already half asleep, Jungkook suddenly mumbles, “Hyuung?”

“Hmm?” Seokjin doesn't think too much because Jungkook often talks in his sleep.

Jungkook yawns and speaks sluggishly, “You’ve waited for me for a long time. Now I’ll wait for you. Please don’t worry about your enlistment. What if I apply voluntarily so we can go together?”

“Of course, it’s okay to take time to make a decision. Thank you, JK. Let’s talk about it later, alright?”

Jungkook yawns again but he still has the energy to say, “Jin hyung, thank you for always being so patient with me.”

Both of them smiles. Finally, Seokjin hears something that he’s been waiting for.

Through the night, Seokjin pats Jungkook’s thighs until he falls asleep. He must be drained after the practice or he’s just been awake for too long. Seokjin concludes that it's most likely both.

After he senses that Jungkook is deep in the slumber, he whispers, “I love you, JK. I hope you’ll choose me,” while softly kissing Jungkook's hair.

The fight shows Seokjin that when we love someone, we’ll try to fit the person into our future scenarios. Because what’s love if it’s not a glimpse of hope?

Thus, despite the unknowns and uncertainties of the future, Seokjin decides to face them. He’s scared and brave at the same time. He’s also worried and relieved at the same time. Life is full of paradoxes that balance each other. And he has Jungkook who balances him well.

He embraces the man beside him until it leaves a faint red mark on his arms.

The sound of a light snore dance with the sound of a muffled cry.

Seokjin isn’t sure about his stance on the existence of God, but this night, he prays hard so that they’re not going to end as an almost and a perhaps.

---

20 DECEMBER 2019
FIRST DATE

Hoseok is right to say that a fight will only bring Seokjin and Jungkook closer.

As long as the conflict is resolved well, a fight is a necessary part of a relationship. Jungkook remembers his father’s saying, “If you haven’t fight with the person, then you’re not close enough with him.”

So, rather than hoping not to have any fight in the future, he hopes that they can always resolve any conflict that may arise wisely and maturely. It’s more realistic.

Indeed, his relationship with Seokjin took a step back, but they want to continue with the correct stage of relationship this time, which means to go on dates and woo each other as normal couples will do.

Jungkook doesn’t wait long until he makes his next move.

With matching Balenciaga suits, Seokjin and Jungkook enter a Michelin star French restaurant in Gangnam. The waitress greets and ushers them to the private room before anyone else notice.

They hang the jackets, masks, and hats that cover them. They look at each other and laughs at how formal their suits were tonight. It’s a bit out-of-place to wear suits outside of work.

The room is rather big for the two of them as it’s supposed to accommodate six people. Nothing much on the wall, there’s only a massive painting on one side of the room. What strikes Seokjin the most as he sits on the table is the table sets; the numerous spoons, forks, and knives.

It’s a fine dining restaurant.

He never thought that his first date with Jungkook is going to be this classy and expensive. Jungkook only smiles to see how impressed Seokjin is with his choice.

“Are you a fine-dining kind of person? I’d take you to a place like this if I knew that you like it,” ask Seokjin as he draws the chair for Jungkook to sit. Jungkook is a bit upset that Seokjin beats him in that small gesture. He should've moved faster.

When they face each other, Jungkook tells him the truth that he simply imitates what Seokjin did with his ex-boyfriend. Seokjin already forgets about that, but Jungkook always remembers better than him.

Jungkook remembers that around 2013, Seokjin went on an expensive restaurant—though not as fancy as this one. At that time, the members didn’t know that he’s on a date, but they collectively agreed on how posh their hyung is and baffled by how he managed to hide that side of him from the members.

That’s one of Jungkook’s first impression of Seokjin.

That’s why on their first date, Jungkook planned for a proper date. It must be a Michelin star restaurant with the dishes and wines that they can’t pronounce. They must wear fancy clothes and shoes.

Hearing Jungkook’s honest answer, Seokjin chuckles and replies that back then, he also imitated what his parents did. It’s almost eerie to find more things to prove that they’re too similar; they’re doing it the same way, only in a different time. With a different person, then together.

The door creaks as the first appetizer comes.

“Is that good? Do you like it?” asks Seokjin after Jungkook tasted it. He pays more attention to Jungkook than to his food during their dinner.

“It is," Jungkoook tastes it once again then makes a confident comment, "but I think we can cook it together if we have the recipe. It’s the presentation that’s too difficult to follow.”

“Hmm, not really. Cooking starts with the ingredients, JK. It’s hard to get access to that high-quality ingredients.”

Seokjin continues to talk about French cuisine and wine passionately. Jungkook doesn’t know how could his hyung understand so much about that, but it makes sense because Seokjin and his brother established a restaurant together. Maybe that’s how they learn.

A pleasant dinner, a pleasant conversation, and a pleasant partner. Time flows quicker as they already finish the desert.

With the last bite of the desert, Seokjin asks Jungkook who looks baffled, “JK, are you full?”

“Is that it?” Jungkook genuinely doesn't know.

“Based on the dinner set menu, yes.”

“Then, no…” he speaks softly as he fears that the waitress may hear him. He must be hungry because he sounds sad, and now, he frowns. He’s too cute.

Seokjin only laughs at his expression and replies, “It’s okay if we fit all you can eat more than romantic fine-dining. My parents do this kind of thing because they love it, but I think we’re different.”

“Honestly, I also searched for a perfect date idea on Naver, and this is what came up, so I thought a proper date should be like this. You know I never go on a date before, hyung,” appeals Jungkook while playing with his wine glass.

“It is perfect. Thank you, JK, for creating another good memory with me. Let’s figure out together what works for us.”

Seokjin is relieved to see Jungkook's smile comes back. They toast and sip on the wine as they spend the rest of the night recalling funny stories from the past while once in a while admiring how far they've come together until that night.

Jungkook closes their nostalgia with a sentimental remark, “Finally we really do eat pasta together. I’m glad we made it.”

As they’re ready to end the night, Jungkook looks ecstatic as he flexes his black card when the waitress approaches him for the payment. After the days that Seokjin paid for their meals since Jungkook only received limited allowances from his parents, now he can pay for their next meals for the rest of the time.

He’s proud of himself and so does Seokjin.

But more than the date, Seokjin is impressed by how much of a fighter Jungkook is.

He knows that Jungkook has grit and persistence during their years of working together, but he doesn’t think that he’ll apply that to a relationship. Even after that ugly fight, he doesn’t give up from asking him out again on a date as they promised to start everything anew.

Seokjin is ashamed that he ever doubted Jungkook’s willingness to work on the complexities of their relationship. He may not seem like he thinks much as he’s more on the impulsive side, but he’s swift to learn and adapt. And he listens to him well. Always.

Not long after, they prepare the disguise once again as they get ready to go home. Seokjin looks left and right to make sure that no one notices them, and he kisses Jungkook on the cheek. Although it’s just a simple gesture, he observes that Jungkook blushes harder than the time when they do all sort of things together.

On the car, they decide to order pizza delivery to the dorm. They hope that it arrives faster than them.

---

22 DECEMBER 2019
SECOND DATE

Before Jungkook asked him on the date, initially Seokjin planned one first. However, his plan requires more time from their schedule; hence it’s quite challenging to sort out the permission.

The day is Sunday. Jungkook just finished washing up after his afternoon gym session when Seokjin kidnapped him. Now they’re on the car and Jungkook still doesn’t know where they’re going. They’ve been driving and talking for almost an hour, yet Seokjin doesn’t say a word about the destination. The only clues that Jungkook has are that Seokjin dressed nicely—not too fancy like their first date, but still formal; he brings a bouquet of flower with them, and there’s a big duffle bag on the backseat. Those don’t help much.

He shortly goes along with the fact that he knows nothing and enjoys the ride, but then Seokjin’s mom calls him. Seokjin asks Jungkook to stay silent as he put on the speakerphone.

KSJ: Hello, Mom.

Mom: Seokjinnie…

KSJ: Yes.

Mom: Son, what are you thinking? Are you serious?

KSJ: I am. I’m in the car right now.

Mom: But why? Usually, you don’t come to the pre-Christmas dinner. Aren’t you going to prepare for the year-end music shows? Why would you drive here for 2 hours?

KSJ: Hmm, I want our family to meet someone special.

Mom: [Laughs] Who? That important until you have to drive to Nonsan in the middle of your schedule?

KSJ: Yes, that important. It’s a surprise. You’ll meet the person later. I’m driving Mom, let’s talk later, okay?

Mom: Hey, don’t hang up yet. I just want to make sure that we don’t have to prepare seven more portions—or twelve because of the way you all eat. Do we?

KSJ: No, just two, thank you.

Mom: So, it’s not the members? Who is it then? When did you meet someone new these days?

KSJ: It’s not Bangtan. Just wait and see, I’m an hour away. I love you, Mom.

Mom: I love you too. Goodbye, Seokjinie and the person next to Seokjinie. Drive safe!

KSJ: Okay, goodbye!

During the conversation, Jungkook stares at Seokjin with his big eyes and an open mouth. Once he comprehends that they’re going to Seokjin’s family dinner on his uncle’s house, the first thought that comes to his mind is that he’s underdressed. He’s on his sweater, sweatpants, and down jackets. Suddenly he regrets that he ditched his past cool boyfriend look for a more comfortable athleisure look because then, he’d be ready for this moment.

He stops worrying when Seokjin assures him, “Not only I kidnapped you, I also stole your clothes when you’re taking a shower. I bring shirts, slacks, and coats; all black and grey as you like it. Your shoes are cool that way,” Seokjin glances at Jungkook’s chunky Prada boots.

An hour passes as they arrive at the destination. Seokjin’s uncle’s house is in the middle of strawberry farms which makes the scenery more than beautiful. Jungkook heard a lot about this place from Seokjin’s stories, but it’s his first time to be here.

He finished changing the clothes, so it’s time for them to go out. As Jungkook calms his heart that beats fast, Seokjin brushes his forearms to help him relax. He takes a deep breath before they come out of the car together.

It’s an extended family dinner, so there are many people on the room. All waits for them with anticipation. Everyone already guessed about who’s going to come with Seokjin.

As expected, it leaves all of them confused. They shower him with many questions: What is this? Is this a prank for a Bangtan Bomb or what is that Youtube channel? What do you mean, Seokjin? Isn’t that your dongsaeng? Jungkook? You said that it’s not Bangtan?

Seokjin replies calmly, “I’m serious. He’s not Bangtan or my dongsaeng. Tonight, he’s my date, Jeon Jungkook.”

All the questions are quickly replaced with a harmonious “Ooooh,” while the others are still speechless.

They finally escape the awkward introduction and they sit close to Seokjin’s aunt. She greets Jungkook warmly, “You look handsome Jungkook. It’s been a while since I see you. So, are you two boyfriends?”

Jungkook says thank you politely with a little bow, then nudges Seokjin’s shirt, so he answers the question for him, “Ah, not yet. Wish us luck,” he closes the statement with a wink and a laugh.

It’s another jamais vu for both of them.

Though Seokjin’s family doesn’t celebrate Christmas, they create a ritual to gather each year in the chosen house. There’s a long list of schedules of when each family going to be the host. All of them love cooking and eating, so an event like this it’s always engaging for them.

For this dinner, there’s no table nor chair. They sit together on the floor in a circle; eating, chatting, laughing. It’s refreshing for Seokjin and Jungkook as they’re on intensive practices for the upcoming performance and the next album.

The family know them so well, so not even one person mentions a single thing about their work. They’re just Kim Seokjin and Jeon Jungkook.

Unfortunately, both of them can only spend an hour there. With the commute, they spend five hours in total, including the time they drive back to Seoul. That’s the best that Seokjin can get from their manager and the company.

After they help a bit to clean up, Seokjin and Jungkook excuse themselves because they have to head to the rehearsal.

As they say goodbye to Seokjin’s parents, Jungkook notices that they’re full of questions. Nonetheless, they’ve always been nothing but kind to him since Seokjin introduced them a long time ago.

Now they’re ready to get back to reality.

Jungkook offers to drive this time.

Once they get in the car, Jungkook hugs Seokjin tightly and say thank you endlessly. Seokjin doesn’t say it, but Jungkook discerns that this dinner is an answer to his request on the night they made up. He’s grateful that Seokjin always takes him seriously, even noticing a small thing like that.

Though it's already dark, together they enjoy the scenery and they promise to come back here with the members.

They spend the drive back together happily, doing karaoke and singing their heart out. The two of them—actually, make it three with Taehyung—are melancholic by heart who listens to heart-wrenching K-Ballad all the time.

Jungkook’s playlist for today’s is:

♪ Crush – SOFA
♪ Yoon Jung Shin – Like It
♪ Park Won – Try

They stop after the third song as they’re afraid that they’ll be too tired for the rehearsal. They turn off the music as well because it’s almost impossible for them to battle the urge to sing along.

They stay still for some time; each busy in their thoughts. Seokjin starts the conversation again by asking Jungkook, “Is it too soon to introduce you to my family?”

“Well, I already know your family. I remember the day you took me to a Chuseok dinner when your extended family visited Seoul. Still, the fact that you introduced me as your date surprised me,” he turns his eye from the road and giggles at Seokjin, “However, I think your family was even more surprised.”

Seokjin laughs, “You bet they did. I introduced you as my dongsaeng back then, so this family dinner is a good opportunity to show you—and them—that I’m serious with you. I hope it can help you think because if we’re going to go far, it means that we’ll be a part of each other’s family.”

Hearing that, Jungkook’s eyes flutter as he almost lost his concentration. He tries to regain his concentration and replies, “What if I need a long time to think?”

“That’s fine. I’m used to waiting. But please, don’t doubt me again, okay? If you want it to be serious between us, just know that I’ll take it even more seriously. Are you still up for that?”

Rather than saying any words, Jungkook seizes Seokjin’s left hand and holds it tightly. He always drives with his left hand as long as he can. After driving that massive campervan on New Zealand, his driving skill improved significantly.

Seokjin knows well that he owes his parents a long and detailed explanation. It’d probably take hours of a phone call, but that’s for later. He wants to relish this moment. So, he kisses the back of Jungkook’s hand to be fully in the present.

Thirty minutes away from home, Seokjin accidentally falls asleep, so Jungkook lets him rest.

In fact, he’s happy to see him sleeping. It gives him a sense of pride to know that he’s reliable.

Back then, the members always complained that Jungkook would be the first one to sleep in the car. Besides, when Seokjin drove him to school, he often slept on the way, which led to another commotion to wake him up for the second time in the day. So, he spends the rest of the drive alone with his own thought, reminiscing past memories and praying that the future will always be as happy as today.

A soft kiss on his lips wakes Seokjin up.

“We’re home,” he hears Jungkook say.

Seokjin slowly regains his consciousness and immediately say sorry that he fell asleep. He yawns lazily then buries his head on Jungkook’s shoulder. “Let’s just go to the backseat…” invites him as his hand brushes Jungkook’s inner thigh.

Jungkook is quick to stop his hand and scolds him, "Hyung, if we're late and make any trouble, it'd be even harder for us to go out together next time. Let’s go. It’s almost 10. The van's already there."

That makes Seokjin proud.

He did that on purpose and it shows him that Jungkook has better self-control now. He’s fully aware of his responsibilities. Seokjin beams and pats Jungkook’s hair, “You’re amazing. I love you. Let’s go.”

Seokjin was reluctant at first to take control of their relationship like this because Jungkook isn’t a young boy anymore, but since Jungkook told him that he loves to learn and grow, he continues doing that. It’s just Seokjin’s meticulous way of doing things.

If love between them is a crime, he needs a tough partner-in-crime.

He found out that he and Jungkook worked in harmony since the time they started teasing each other. People may diminish it as something trivial, but it won’t work out if both of the parties don’t understand each other well; when to give and when to take; when to respond and when to stop.

Now when he applies that to their relationship, he’s positive that they’ll quickly find their pace.

Seokjin and Jungkook may take a step back, but the point is they try again. Now with more transparent feelings and intentions.

---

28 DECEMBER 2019

Yesterday performance on KBS concluded the end of the year for Bangtan. After this, the members will go to the US for more performances, MV shooting, variety show appearances, and everything else in between.

This afternoon, they’re going to attend a meeting to discuss their schedule and itinerary.

While waiting for the meeting to start, Jungkook decides to hang out in Namjoon’s studio where he notices that Hoseok is already there. If Hoseok doesn’t insist, Jungkook won’t enter the studio as he’s afraid that they’re in a serious discussion about the album or the performance.

Jungkook sits down on the sofa besides Hoseok, only to find out that they’re just gossiping—about him and Seokjin.

Of course, they let Jungkook came in so that they can tease him like this. Namjoon teases him about their dates, while Hoseok teases him about how inseparable they were during the pre-recording and that adorable twirl that they did during the opening of KBS. Hoseok only stops after Jungkook threatens to throw him to the carpet and Namjoon follows right away.

He can’t say anything to refute them because his first intention to come to the studio is to ask for advice from Namjoon as a hyung who’s currently in a serious relationship.

They talk about many things, including Jungkook’s trip to Nonsan. By the end of the story, Namjoon suggests a great idea on a gift for Seokjin, “Just reply to his song with another song. We’ll have FESTA soon. We can release it then like ‘Tonight.’ Unless you’ll release your mixtape first?”

“Hmm, I don’t think so. I think FESTA will do. But then I have to wait until June,” he sighs.

At this point, Jungkook doesn’t worry about the song, but he worries about his request. Wouldn’t that be too long? He just made a promise to not do anything besides kissing with Seokjin until they talk about it. Can he do that?

“Well, we have a Soundcloud so you can release it anytime if FESTA is too far away,” Hoseok chimes in.

“No, no, hyung!" suddenly Jungkook gets too excited and his face brightened up. "You just gave me an idea. I think I want to release it on the same day with ‘Tonight,’” says Jungkook as a smirk appears on his face. Namjoon and Hoseok crack up to see his expression.

Honestly, besides Taehyung and Jimin who’ve been teasing him since 2016, Jungkook never really knows about how the others feel about him and Seokjin. So, he casually asks, “Hyung, do you think Jin hyung likes me?”

Hoseok gives him a stark comment, “Like? That’s an understatement! Jungkook, your relationship with Jin hyung is more real than some of the established relationships that I know; that rely on grand gestures, splurge on gifts, or doing PDA all the time. Yours is subtle yet sincere. Ever since both of you were trainees, you’ve helped each other to grow out of the comfort zone and be a better person. You make each other happy and laugh all the time.”

“We did?”

“You did and still do. That two days when both of you were silent, those are scary for us too, but you made up quicker than we expect. A label is one thing, but what if your connection is too deep you surpass all the label that is needed?”

Jungkook nods his head and wonders, “Ah right, Yoongi hyung said the same thing to me back then, about me being demisexual. Why am I so obsessed with labels?”

“I can’t answer that for you, Jungkookie. But I hope you’ll find it soon,” Hoseok closes his comment with a pat on Jungkook’s shoulder.

Meanwhile, Namjoon shakes his head and complains, “If I brought my girlfriend to my extended family, it means that we’re getting married for sure. Why are you still asking?”

“Just because,” Jungkook shrugs.

Namjoon and Hoseok eventually start their own discussion about Namjoon’s plan of marriage since they notice that Jungkook is too busy in his head because Jungkook thinks about Hoseok’s question seriously.

After zoning out for several minutes, he concludes that it’s just him being a perfectionist. He always feels like a director that should direct his life.

Since he was a child, all he knows is to chase something, mostly his dreams. Having labels means that he can direct better and he’s in charge of his narrative. In contrast, he forgets to let go. To enjoy the flow. To trust that even if he doesn’t understand things now, he’ll understand eventually. He’s used to be fully responsible with each and every action that he made; he forgets that he can’t control everything.

Seokjin teaches him precisely that.

Seokjin fills him in what he lacks and he believes that he does the same thing to him.

At this point, he learns that they shall accept the fact that neither he nor Seokjin knows if it’s going to work between them.

Even with all the efforts, sometimes it still doesn’t work. Now it’s up to him if he still wants to take a chance. Because no matter how invested they are in the relationship, there’s always a possibility that it’ll be a fool’s errand.

Namjoon’s hand wave brings Jungkook back to the studio. He says, “Hey Jungkook, I’ll wait for your first draft then. Now let’s go to the weekly brief it’s almost four.”

They’re busy collecting their belongings when Jungkook makes sure again, “Didn’t hyung talk to you about something? About me?”

Namjoon and Hoseok shake their head in sync. “We’re as clueless as you, kid,” replies Namjoon.

He shouldn’t be surprised. Kim Seokjin and his secret inner life. He’s not necessarily clueless, but he hopes that he can dig some information. It fails.

Upon exiting the studio, Jungkook notices Seokjin walking alone in the distance. Automatically, almost like a magnet, Jungkook shouts, “Jin hyung!!” then instantly runs and gives him a back hug. Jungkook twists Seokjin’s hand, pretending that he puts him on a handcuff. They walk together like that regardless of the way the passing staffs glance at the fuss.

Hoseok and Namjoon are left behind; dazzled and puzzled. Hoseok sighs, “So, they’re fine, right? It’s funny that he acts like he didn’t just have a love crisis minutes ago. It’s like Jungkook’s body moves faster than his brain.”

“Ah, they’re truly made for each other because Jin hyung did the same thing to me back then. Anyway, I gave up trying to understand them since a long time ago and back to question my existence instead,” replies Namjoon with a half-smile.

“It’s amusing though to watch them. It makes me want to fall in love.”

Namjoon pushes Hoseok's shoulder lightly to tease him, “Ooh, are you ready now, Hoseok-ah?”

“I’ll try harder if they end up getting together. I’ll believe in love again.”

Namjoon glances at Jungkook and Seokjin who are already too far away now. Without looking away from the sight, he murmurs, “Well damn, they better be then.”

They better be.

Chapter Text

Now I know what you’re thinking
My reflection in your eyes
Perhaps that was love
-Choi Yong Joon, Perhaps (that was love)

APRIL 2020

What is love?

An almost impossible question even for people who say ‘I love you’ as a habit. Something so close, yet when we think about it deeply, it becomes distant. It’s like watching a reflection in the looking glass for too long until it reaches past the uncanny valley.

Even their scarcely ever lengthy stay at the home country feels strange today because of the pandemic. It’s only natural that strange thoughts keep appearing.

The first three months flew fast for the members as they promote their latest album, Map of the Soul: 7, which was released on February. After finishing the promotion, they went straight to the recording studio to prepare the Japanese comeback.

As usual, they didn't have much time for themselves during those times, but now, suddenly they have many spare times. All of them are slightly down because the world tour that shall start in April was cancelled due to the virus outbreak, but they prepare many contents to fill up the gap.

On one night in April, Namjoon invites the members to come to his apartment for a drink.

During this pandemic, Namjoon has been spending time on his apartment with his girlfriend, Sooji. Namjoon and Seokjin are technically Bangtan’s neighbour as their residences are only a walking distance from the dorm. Since it’s not too far, Seokjin, Yoongi, and Hoseok are up for the invitation. Meanwhile, Taehyung, who doesn’t drink much, isn’t in the mood for the festivity, so Jimin decides to accompany him. Jungkook chooses to stay with Jimin and Taehyung since he misses the time together between the three of them. It’s an opportunity to have a chat together.

Therefore, it’s the night between the hyung line and the maknae line.

Jungkook, Jimin, and Taehyung spend time together in Taehyung’s room. They play hide-and-seek together as if they’re still in 2016. Of course, Jungkook is always the first one to be blindfolded and become ‘it.’

It doesn’t take long until Jungkook catches Jimin and Taehyung, which isn’t long after the game started. Even so, it still made them tired. That’s how they realise that they’re getting old. Now they’re sprawling and taking over Taehyung’s bed; busy in their own thought until Jungkook starts the conversation.

JUNGKOOK: Don’t you think it's not fair for gays like us to be in the same group with Jin hyung? Everyone seems to be attracted to his look.

Taehyung and Jimin swear that Jungkook is the master of mentioning Seokjin’s name out of nowhere.

TAEHYUNG: Was that directed towards me? Yah, Jungkook, I swear I told you many times that—

JUNGKOOK: No, hyung. I mean, in general. Who wouldn’t be attracted to him?

JIMIN: Huh? I don't think it's a problem that you like someone because of the appearance first. I was like that with my girlfriend. But soon as I knew her personally, I love her more and more. The look attracts you, but personality makes you stay.

TAEHYUNG: In Jungkook's case, I don't think it's like that. You just like someone who, coincidentally, has a God-tier visual. The first in Bangtan according to you, huh?

JIMIN: Hey don't remind me of that dark times when Jungkook rates me as seventh! How about me now, Jungkook? [Makes a sexy pose]

JUNGKOOK: You can take anywhere else besides the first place.

JIMIN: [Gives thumbs up] Okay! Let’s talk about that on the next interview and make sure I’m the second!

They laugh together.

TAEHYUNG: Anyway, what do you think love is?

JUNGKOOK: Why suddenly?

TAEHYUNG: Because you mentioned about attraction? I don’t know, it kind of just came into my mind. I have strange thoughts these past months because of the drastic change.

JIMIN: Me too, Taehyung. [Pauses] I think love is an effort. The process, the journey.

JUNGKOOK: Hmm, in the beginning, I’m on the effortless side. I adore the dreamy, magical, and destined kind of love, like a movie. I used to believe in love at first sight. But then what I experienced is better than what I imagined.

TAEHYUNG: But no matter how hard my effort, I can’t be with Hoseok hyung, so it’s not only that. Sometimes effort can also trick into staying in a bad relationship. Like counting how much you’ve sacrificed and choosing to stay because you refuse to lose when in reality, you’ll only keep on losing more if you continue. I think it needs both effort and luck.

JUNGKOOK: I think so. Think about the coincidence to find someone that matches you emotionally, romantically, sexually. Then spiritually and culturally if that’s important to the person. Like, what if I like someone, but he’s not gay? Or when you’re gay but your religion doesn’t permit, so you choose to stay single forever? It doesn’t make sense.

TAEHYUNG: [Gulps] You’re right; it doesn’t. Maybe because we're not straight so it seems more difficult to us or straight people take love for granted.

JUNGKOOK: I agree.

TAEHYUNG: Being gays in a closeted country, we’re required to questions more, to have a more in-depth consideration, to be more mature in approaching things. We don’t just jump into a new relationship.

JIMIN: Yeah, even I discussed a lot with my girlfriend. People in the spectrum think about love and relationship seriously; making clear strategies as it’s going to be riskier. On a more positive note, it leads us to appreciate love more.

TAEHYUNG: But, how can you be so sure, Jungkook? Aren’t you too young to commit? Dating and meeting new people are fun. I have many gay and bi friends too, you know, I can introduce you to anyone. Who doesn't want to date Jeon Jungkook?

JIMIN: Uh, you and me?

TAEHYUNG: Shh, Jimin. Let him speak.

JUNGKOOK: It's different for me. I need time to fall in love, but I want to be with my first love forever. I realised that I fell in love with hyung only after we spend the nights having pillow talks together in 2015. I adore him since the beginning, but after that, it grew into something more profound.

JIMIN: During the time when Namjoon hyung snore? Your fake roommate?

JUNGKOOK: Yes.

TAEHYUNG: Whoa, really? If Namjoon hyung didn't snore what would happen to both of you?

JUNGKOOK: I don't know. I guess fate rooted for us to be together. I want to believe that Fate-ssi is on our side.

Jimin hugs Jungkook, then Taehyung automatically joins. The three of them embrace each other’s warmth for some time until they get back to their seating position.

JIMIN: Jungkook, I’m pleased that you can be open to us like this today. You even talk to us first. It makes me want to cry.

JUNGKOOK: I’m still working on it too. Jimin hyung is a very warm person who makes a surprise birthday and gives present to everyone, so you teach me to be more open with my emotions.

JIMIN: [Gets teary] Jungkook, now I really want to cry.

JUNGKOOK: That’s why I feel comfortable giving presents to you, just like that GCF. But now when I want to do something for Jin hyung, I have no idea. I don’t know how to show my feeling.

JIMIN: You show him differently Jungkook. You show him with your smile, with your laugh, with your glowing presence.

TAEHYUNG: Yeah, Jimin used to complain a lot about your poker face.

JIMIN: Basically, by just being Jungkook, you don’t need to do anything else. I think he said it somewhere when he’s thankful that you’re alive. I remember because it’s charming. I want to hear someone says it to me.

TAEHYUNG: [Caresses Jimin’s cheek] Jimin, I’m thankful that you’re alive.

JUNGKOOK: [Holds Jimin’s hand] Me too.

JIMIN: [Falls and rolls on the floor, giggles] Aww.

JUNGKOOK: [Gives his hand to help Jimin climbs back to the bed] Namjoon hyung told me to make a song though. Well, it’s a general song as usual, but I’ll put my personal story there.

TAEHYUNG: That sounds great, what else can we do as singers besides throwing vague hints here and there? It’s not like we can confess all of our feelings directly.

JIMIN: Ahem, ahem.

JUNGKOOK: How about you, hyung? You like Hoseok hyung, don’t you?

TAEHYUNG: I do [pauses] or I did. But to think of it, I don’t think that it’s as deep as what you and Jimin felt. Maybe it’s just a crush.

JIMIN: I think love is either you do or you don’t. What does love someone better or deeper even mean? It’s just love.

JUNGKOOK & TAEHYUNG: Oooh [Claps].

JIMIN: [Smiles proudly]

JUNGKOOK: But does the fact that he’s not gay change the way you love him? Or does he… have the potential to be gay? Can you seduce him?

JIMIN: Hey, compulsory homosexuality is as wrong as compulsory heterosexuality!

JUNGKOOK: I’m sorry…

TAEHYUNG: It doesn’t work like that Jungkook. But about the way I love him, I don’t know. Maybe yes? Because I have to be realistic? Or maybe no? Because love can also be platonic?

JUNGKOOK: What if it’s not as simple as platonic and non-platonic? What if it’s partially torn between both? Aah, I’m going crazy.

TAEHYUNG: Jungkook, you look like shit. Let’s just play Overwatch.

JIMIN: Okay, I’m done here. [Stands up from the bed] Your non-gamer friend will leave now. Don’t bother me again; I’ll call my girlfriend. This discussion makes me miss her.

TAEHYUNG: Whoa, boastful. Go out. This room is for single gays only.

JIMIN: Okay, just make sure not to stay all night! We’ll have an early shooting tomorrow! [Leaves the room]

TAEHYUNG: [Pinches Jungkook and stares at him] God, how dare Jimin advises us not to be late…

After Jimin left, Taehyung is busy setting up his computer. It’s been quite long since they play together because Taehyung often spends time on his apartment with his family.

As much as Jungkook doesn’t want to admit it, he and Taehyung aren’t as close as their early years. The base of their relationship is being playful, being a brat who do foolish things together, scolded together, but over the years, both of them are getting calmer.

Indeed, something is missing. But at the moment like tonight, Jungkook is happy because he can reconnect with Taehyung. Though they mature to be different, they still can find a common ground.

Growing apart, even if just for a bit, is normal. What really matters is that they choose to remain friends despite that.

---

Namjoon’s apartment was smaller than the dorm, but it feels more spacious. Once the members enter the dining room, a long solid wood dining table steals their attention. They reckon that it’s the reason Namjoon invite them there; to admire the beauty of it that can’t be captured in photos. They don’t complain. It’s still refreshing to get out of the dorm.

They expect to meet Sooji, but she’s busy sorting out things with her family, plus she’s going to start working from the office again soon.

That’s another reason Namjoon invite them here, to keep him company before he cleans up and moves back to the dorm. It’s too lonely to be alone in this huge house.

The four of them sit around the table, which is bigger than the dining table on their dorm, preparing the wine and the glasses.

One bottle was already finished when Namjoon started talking about his experience with Sooji. Because of the pandemic, she’s working from home and she decided to move to Hannam the Hill with Namjoon temporarily.

Hence begins Namjoon’s story.

NAMJOON: I love being with her, but there’s a hint of strangeness. Our relationship is almost always on virtual; we rarely together for 24 hours. It’s the first time for us to spend so much time together.

HOSEOK:Are you complaining or…?

NAMJOON: No, I’m not. But this experience makes me realise how amazing the members are to be able to keep up with each other. Even with the one I love; I still find it quite challenging. But then, we as strangers just decided to live together like that, and it works.

YOONGI: I told you we’re destined to be together.

SEOKJIN: I’m curious, Namjoon, how do you even work on that open relationship thing? Isn’t it awkward when you meet now? Doesn’t any of you feel jealous?

NAMJOON: Jealousy is normal, but love shouldn’t be built upon jealousy. Love isn’t ownership. The foundation of love is trust. Try to think of it as a family, like us. What makes a family is no matter how screwed up you are, you can always come home, knowing that there’ll be someone who still accepts and root for you even at your worst.

YOONGI: Then, how can you know that you can trust her?

NAMJOON: I just knew from the very beginning when I met her at Ttukseom around 2016.

HOSEOK: Hmm, I’m all ears… [Puts his hands around his ears]

NAMJOON: [Chuckles, sips a drink] She’s smoking back then, and the first thought that I had was, whoa, she’s so brave. Smoking lady is usually stereotyped, but she just did that confidently. She stops smoking by the way for health reason.

YOONGI: You fall in love because she’s smoking?

NAMJOON: No, but that fuels my attraction. I talked to her and we hit it off right away; the conversation just flew smoothly. She didn’t listen to K-Pop or hip hop, so she didn’t know me. I’m just Kim Namjoon that night. We spent the rest of the night looking at the river and exchange phone numbers before we parted. The rest is history.

HOSEOK: Whoa, that’s a great story.

NAMJOON: Thank you. So, to answer Jin hyung, to us, we can have sex with anyone, it’s just a basic need, but it’s so hard to find someone to have an intellectually stimulating conversation together.

HOSEOK: Ooh, she has a high IQ too?

NAMJOON: It’s not related to IQ, though. But maybe? She passed the Mensa test but didn’t want to join.

HOSEOK: Whoa, power couple there. You could be the president and the first lady.

YOONGI: So, all is well?

NAMJOON: We’re still practising to build trust, but so far, so good. Of course, we don’t hook up these days because we’re both in Korea, and you know, social distancing. Essentially, we want to be more like a lifelong partner than an overly romantic couple, like Sartre and Beauvoir.

SEOKJIN: Yah, I don’t know who they are, but it sounds incredible.

YOONGI: Maybe I'll look them up to find something that I can relate too. Ah this kid [points at Namjoon with the glass], how can he manage relationship and career at the same time? At this point, I just want to make music. Making music makes me feel alive. I think that’s enough for now.

HOSEOK: [Pats Yoongi’s shoulder] It’s okay, hyung. We have our own pace. I think when it’s the right time with the right person, love could be a healing experience.

NAMJOON: Ah yes, to fall in love with falling in love…

SEOKJIN: What do you mean, Namjoon? Let’s make a bet who found love first, Yoongi or Hoseok?

YOONGI: I bet on you.

SEOKJIN: [Stands up] Punk! [Sits again]

NAMJOON: But seriously, how about you, hyung?

SEOKJIN: [Looking at his glass] Me? For me, I think about love in terms of love for our pets or even ARMY for Bangtan. We give our best but expect nothing in return. [Looking at the others] Don’t you think the sincerity is unbeatable?

YOONGI: Yeah, ARMY is amazing. They’re ready to give us everything, though there’s a limit of what we can give back to them.

SEOKJIN: Right? Even now, when I’m talking to you, I have Jjangu on my mind. I still think about him though he’s not with me. I think that’s also love. Having pets teach me about unconditional love more than anything else because we never demand anything back from them, we just give.

HOSEOK: So, love and relationship are two different things to you?

SEOKJIN: Yeah. I’m not in a relationship with Jjangu, but I have an undying connection with him. Love is selfless to me; nothing needs to be reciprocated. It’s just as it is.

NAMJOON: Hyung, that’s a great saying, but I think that mindset trapped you in the platonic-zone. What’s so wrong with receiving love?

SEOKJIN: [Pauses, gulps] What's with the term platonic love anyway?

NAMJOON: It came from Greek philosophy. They believe in 4 kinds of love: philia, eros, platonic, agape. It can overlap, like both platonic and eros, but what you said before about selflessness is more like agape though it usually describes a relation between human and the divine.

SEOKJIN: I thought it's about a sexual and non-sexual way of loving someone?

NAMJOON: It kinds of shifted into that these days, more on the erotic nature.

YOONGI: Whoa, a thousand years after Plato and we're stuck on that idea of love. Look at how we get better at defining sexual and gender identity. But love? It’s stalled there. I think everything is time-bound, it’s time to redefine or reclassify that different types of love.

NAMJOON: That’s brilliant, hyung.

HOSEOK: [Jokingly] I can add one more, it's love yourself~

Hoseok hits Seokjin’s shoulder. They laugh together enthusiastically. Yoongi only smiles and lets out a tiny chuckle, while Namjoon fails to see the joke.

NAMJOON: Ah yes, self-love is called philautia.

Hoseok turns to Seokjin and both stares at each other in confusion. Namjoon is too deep in his thought that night; maybe he’s getting tipsy. Honestly, Hoseok starts to lose his concentration. He desperately wants to change the topic of the conversation to a lighter one.

HOSEOK: [Sings] So many complexes, but I'm looking for love~ Are we going to write the next Outro: Her? [Laughs bitterly]

Eventually, everyone gets what Hoseok means. They just laugh together without any reason. Seeing one of them laugh is like a domino effect.

They finish their drinks as the night is getting late when suddenly Yoongi speaks the truth.

YOONGI: Hyung, Jjangu is great, but Jungkook is not a dog or a puppy. And if someone makes a compilation video of you and Jungkook randomly mentions each other all the time, I’d retweet on Twitter.

Everyone else except Seokjin applauds Yoongi’s straight to the point comment. It’s not a new sight to see Seokjin’s bullied by the dongsaeng because he’s too oblivious. If Namjoon is the worst at cooking, Hoseok and Yoongi think that Seokjin is the worst at feeling.

SEOKJIN: I’ll let that disrespect slide since I consider that you’re drunk to have the audacity to say that.

YOONGI: Am I right, though?

That concludes the discussion as Seokjin suggests that they shall play the game of bottle cap instead. The loser will have to clean up the tables and sort the recycle. Namjoon and Yoongi roll their eyes, seeing Seokjin’s attempt to escape the conversation. Thankfully, Hoseok, who’s keen to avoid the head-scratching conversation, agrees to him.

Although Seokjin is the one who ends it, deep inside, he’s grateful to be surrounded by wonderful friends who care about him a lot.

In a beautiful night like this, he secretly wishes for all of the others’ happiness, with or without finding someone to love and someone who loves them back.

---

MAY 2020

Jungkook understands the relevance of Seokjin’s concern when a second false rumour hits him.

It’s the second time people accuse him of being gay—which sounds weird for him to use the word accuse because it’s the truth.

However, the rumour that he went to a gay bar with his friends is false and baseless. It’s a pure offence to bring the group the down as it’s connected to an issue that discriminates the LGBTQ+ community in South Korea.

This second blow, he admits that he’s not that brave. Deep inside he’s still that socially anxious kid that’s afraid of making mistakes and other people’s words. But he’s willing to be more courageous. It doesn’t mean that he’s immune from feeling sad, but over the years, he needs a shorter time to bounce back. If previously he needs a month to get back on his feet, this time he needs two weeks. Maybe in the future, he’ll only need a week and then a day.

This second blow, Seokjin doesn’t leave Jungkook even for a bit. He listens to everything Jungkook says and accompanies him when the fear overwhelms him. The members also take the turn to comfort Jungkook. Namjoon with his wise perspective, Jimin with his happy-go-lucky attitude, and the rest with their own way.

Since it’s near the release of his mixtape, Yoongi offers Jungkook to go as a cameo on his next music video. Seokjin already agreed to go, so it won’t be hard to convince him.

Jungkook aggress only if he can go together with Seokjin because he’s not ready yet to be alone in the crowd. It means that he can’t come to the first day of shooting and has to take another cameo role.

It’s fine for Yoongi. He doesn’t really care since his intention is for Jungkook to go out of the dorm and meet people again. It’s a deal between them.

On the shooting date, Jungkook is happy again. He’s grateful for the quality time that he spends together with Seokjin, Yoongi, and Hoseok—though his visit is quite short. Everyone smiles at him and not a single person points out the finger at him. He feels loved as always.

After having snacks on a café nearby, Seokjin and Jungkook say goodbye to the crew and wish Yoongi luck for the night shooting.

As it’s not an official schedule, the work pace is more relaxed. The company allows them to drive together just the two of them, while the assistants follow close by in a different car.

During the drive home, it suddenly strikes Jungkook that for him, love is very simple. It’s like breathing.

Jungkook grew up with a loving, accepting, and supporting family. After he moved from Busan to Seoul, he’s always surrounded by people who never stop to cheer him up, forgive his mistakes, and help him grow to be a great singer and a decent human being. His six hyung, Bang PD-nim, managers, staffs, friends, fans.

His inner circle is a utopia of its own.

Jungkook says that to Seokjin with a beaming look which relieves him from his worries.

It’s almost ridiculous how their relationship is based upon by the gaze.

The equally shy and awkward Kim Seokjin and Jeon Jungkook, who often don’t know the right and sweet things to say; who choose play fight to show their affection; who start the relationship by burying their feelings yet fail miserably to do so. Still and all, they learn to understand each other only by the gaze alone.

Seokjin only needs to tilt his head a little for Jungkook to understand that he wants the jelly fruit candy, so Jungkook feeds him. Seokjin chews and mutters, “With a strong support system like that, you know that you have nothing to fear, right?”

Jungkook nods. He stares at Seokjin as he adds, “One thing hyung, even if the public demand me to clarify my sexual orientation, I won’t ever say 'I’m not gay' because it means that I deny my identity. I spoke about it with Tae hyung, and he said that he’s the type of person that’ll say anything if it’s going to make things easier, but I don’t want to. I’d even confirm if I could.”

“That’s so brave of you. I think that’s great,” Seokjin moves his hand from the wheel and massages Jungkook’s neck.

“I’ll apologize for my mistakes and inappropriate actions, but I won’t apologize for my identity. Do you think it’s a childish move?”

“How? JK, stop telling yourself that you’re childish because you always learn from everything. Not all people have that capability. Some people are too content with the idea of them being mature adults when, in reality, they already stop learning. Don’t blame yourself for someone else’s fault,” says Seokjin as he softly taps Jungkook's neck before getting his hand back to the wheel.

It’s true.

Jungkook would rather blame himself than to blame the other person—even in this case when he’s clearly not on the wrong side. He never hates anyone and everything always comes back as an opportunity for self-reflection for him. He simply doesn’t understand the concept of hate.

Because Jungkook is an epitome of a person who grew up with so much love around him, to the point that he can’t give anything but love.

It’s the only thing that he knows—even if the world doesn’t always love him back and acknowledge how lovely of a person he is.

So, please love him.

---

What’s so wrong with receiving love?

Namjoon’s question has been circling on Seokjin’s mind in these somewhat idle times. Seeing Jungkook who’s been maturing up a lot during the months and the way he quickly rose from his second misfortune, he allows himself to accept help to resolve his issues.

Seokjin goes to the counselling with a clear objective: to find out the reason behind his reluctance towards the boyfriend status although he’s very much in love with the person. It's odd, he knows, but it's a big deal for him.

After talking about himself in the first meeting, the second meeting urges him to revisit his last relationship.

At long last, he digs something that’s been buried for too long.

What a waste of six years when in reality he only needs two sessions of 60 minutes counselling to get the untangled mess on his head sorted out. Now he fully accepts the fact that he made mistakes.

Still, he’s reluctant to apologise because it’s been too long. The moment was gone and life must go on. But the counsellor affirms that forgiveness isn’t only for the other person, but also himself. It’s an integral part so that he can cut ties and properly resolves a tough episode in his life. Besides, asking for forgiveness is another way to forgive ourselves for making mistakes.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

Seokjin connects the dots. The reason it’s so difficult for him to receive love is that he’s afraid that he can’t reciprocate it with the same intensity, just like how he poorly did in his previous relationship. His fear roots from one specific problem that he never pays attention to.

The root of the mess is also the reason that led him to fix it: he fell in love with Jeon Jungkook even though he shouldn't.

After his break up, he didn’t think about it and went on a full escapism mode with cooking, work, and university life. He thought that the hurt was long gone, forgotten since a long time ago, but apparently, it becomes a part of himself. It’s possible that he dismisses the idea of a relationship because he doesn’t want to repeat his past mistake.

He’s been lying all these years. He might move on from the person, but he’s still trapped and loathed the fact that he caused pain to the other person. He’s been running in the circle of self-blame since then.

The night after he visited the counsellor, he rummages on his old belongings to find one email address. He takes a deep breath and starts writing.

To: H
Subject: Apology

Dear H.

I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry for the stolen times and efforts, I’m sorry for the way things end, I'm sorry for not fighting harder, I'm sorry for not reaching out to you sooner, I’m sorry for cutting you out of my life and not being there during your toughest time.

Most of all, I'm sorry for not giving you the love that you deserve.

I know it's so sudden yet so late, so it's okay if you can't accept my apology. I just want you to know that I'm sorry and you’re right: I was wrong.

What you complained and questioned countless times back then, it's true. That makes me the villain of our story; I admit that now. But that person knows nothing of this, so please just hate me, not him.

As I learn to love again this time, I can't help but feel guilty as I realised many things that I should've done better to you. 'We're young and foolish,' I always use that as an excuse for my shortcomings, but then someone shows me that age doesn’t dictate how we love.

I heard that you had a boyfriend, but that was in 2014 and I never heard anything about you since then. Whoever has the honour to be with you right now, I hope he loves you a thousand times better than me.

Because you're a fantastic person. May you always be happy and healthy. Live well.

-J
(I hope you still use this email address)

Sent.

Seokjin praises himself for taking the first step while wiping the tears that he’s been holding back since 2014. He groans and howls to let everything out; to accept the fact that he might ruin someone's life and drag his ex to the rock bottom.

The music from his room is unbelievably loud so that no one can hear him.

It’s only the second time that he lets his feeling takes over his composure; the first being the day he made up with Jungkook as he held his sleeping body. A moment when he’s thankful that Jungkook is a heavy sleeper.

It takes a week until he receives a reply on his inbox. He doesn’t complain because he honestly thinks that he doesn’t deserve a reply.

To: J
Subject: Okay

I still can’t escape that kid even in an apology letter? At least he made you realise that you should apologise. It's all in the past. I’m okay now. I hope you never feel the strangest glitch when you see so much love radiates from your partner’s eyes, only to find out that it’s not for you.

Don’t reply.

-H

So, that’s the truth. Seokjin is the biggest jerk.

He didn’t cheat, but he unintentionally, unconsciously, yet sincerely fell in love with someone else during the course of his relationship. It’s a quiet mess. It turns out that 2017 wasn’t the beginning for him; it’s just the late epiphany.

That’s probably another reason he often felt that his love for Jungkook was wrong.

But what else can he do, since the beginning, Seokjin’s head is always full of Jeon Jungkook. The teen Jungkook or the adult Jungkook, he still loves him the same if not stronger day by day. Even now, he started doing these things so that he’ll be a better person who, in result, can love Jungkook better.

Although he doesn’t know what love is and probably doesn’t want to think about it as it’s too complex to answer, considering that and how he strives to make Jungkook happy, are enough to make him certain of what he feels.

Jungkook’s happiness is always his priority in the past, present, and future.

So, perhaps, that’s love.

He forgives his mistakes and sets himself free; he’s finally running.

To love him.

Chapter Text

Because the moon looks so lonely
Because it feels like it’s crying in the bright night sky
Even though I knew it’s going to be morning one day
I wanted to stay in your sky like a star
-JK, Still with You

JUNE 2020

At the beginning of June, Seokjin wakes up to find post-it notes on his bathroom mirror.

He sees them every day when he brushes his teeth. He doesn’t have to wonder. It’s Jungkook who wants to show off that he can wake up earlier than him these days with the countdown to the release of his song. All the members have heard it except Seokjin who, as Jungkook demanded, has to listen to it together with him.

The story behind Jungkook’s early waking up is moving. During the past months, when Seokjin learns to forgive, Jungkook learns to be independent.

He concluded that in order to create his own happiness, he needs to be able to stand up on his own first. So, he started with a tiny habit: he wants to wake up by himself.

It sounds easy, but it’s certainly not for him. It’s a series of trial-and-error until he discovered a working method. He changed the tone of his alarm to the strangest tune that he can find: an autotuned baby crying, an EDM version of a dog barking, even Seokjin’s windshield wiper laugh. He couldn’t stop laughing when he stumbled upon it on the internet.

He must change it gradually or he’ll get used to the sound and his brain would dismiss it as another ordinary noise. It’s still not proven to have a 100% success rate yet, but he made quite an improvement.

As for the ‘us’ part, Seokjin and Jungkook also discussed a lot, just the two of them and with their own family. They also talked about the thing that they fear the most: the future. They have to make sure that they have the same perspective on things, for example, about children. It's almost like they're preparing to get married, but with all the risks and stakes in their hands, it's way more complicated than an ordinary marriage.

Jungkook learned that relationship isn’t as simple as mutual feelings, but also commitment that can help them to stay together for a long time. Meanwhile, seeing how Jungkook took everything seriously, Seokjin learned that he’s sure that Jungkook will be a perfect life partner for him.

Today, there’s no post-it on the mirror.

But Seokjin already knows that it’s the D-Day.

After the members finished their early dinner together, Jungkook prohibits Seokjin to get out of his room until midnight when Jungkook will pick him up. It’s not a problem for him. He’s just going workout, then probably sleeps in case Jungkook will take him to somewhere far away.

But Jungkook won’t take him far. His first idea is to find a place outdoor so that they can be together under the moonlight, but during the quarantine, there aren't many options. He doesn’t want to be stubborn and repeat his mistake. He considered his apartment at Trimage, but it’s empty. He considered many other places, but it didn’t feel right.

In the end, he narrowed down to a place that’s the most meaningful to them: home. Seokjin will love it the most because it’s so him.

A man whose look so mesmerizing it'll turn every head in the room, yet he gets shy when the attention is all on him

A singer who wants to go home immediately after the performance.

A distinguished celebrity who yawns at the idea of attending an after-party.

A son from a wealthy family who picks cooking and eating together at home as his ideal date.

There are too many good memories that are attached to the smallest thing in their life. It only makes sense that Jungkook should not do it not in a strange place, but the place that gives them the utmost comfort.

Because ‘us’ is simple.

The members told Jungkook that they wouldn’t bother him. It’ll be after midnight anyway, which means that they’ll stay in their rooms. Even if they don’t want to, truthfully, after all the hardships that the couple endured, the members root for Seokjin and Jungkook to be together, and they’d do anything for them.

Fifteen minutes before midnight, Jungkook knocks on Seokjin’s door.

Without warning, as soon as Seokjin opens the door, he lifts Seokjin’s body and puts him upside down on his shoulder. Seokjin panics and he tells Jungkook to bring the box on his bed because it’s a gift from him. Jungkook tells him that he's going to come back later for the box, but as for now, he carries Seokjin to the porch.

So, this is what he meant when he said that he’d pick him up. What a cute man, Seokjin thinks.

Jungkook puts Seokjin down carefully. As Seokjin regains his balance, Jungkook proudly shows up the decorated porch. "I give you the perfect ambience to listen to the song,” he says proudly with two arms open.

Seokjin looks around while Jungkook goes back to his room to bring the box. Hannam's porch is not spacious, but it’s cosy. It gives the members privacy as it’s surrounded by large trees that are also refreshing to the senses. Usually, it’s empty, but now it’s quite festive.

There are two bean bags side by side, one pink and one purple, which are the centrepiece of the setting. In front of them, stand a small table with a bottle of wine and two tall glasses. The wooden floor was now covered in a soft grey carpet in the same tone with the blankets that rest on top of the bean bag.

It feels romantic as Seokjin smells the scented candles that are everywhere around the short wall that fenced off the porch.

It’s his favourite scent, fig leaves and wood.

It’s perfect.

When Jungkook is back on the porch, the first question that comes into Seokjin’s mind is whether he did that alone or not. Jungkook replies that Jimin and Taehyung help him. The three of them together are the best.

Jungkook grabs Seokjin’s hand and invites him to sit on the bean bag. He opens the wine, but Seokjin stops him and pours it for him instead. He warns, “JK, you can only drink this much, get it? I’ll always pour the drink for you.”

Jungkook doesn’t object. After Seokjin finished filling his glass, they toast and sip while looking at each other with a wide smile. In the middle of drinking, Jungkook remembers something, “Hyung, you once said that I know your body better than you, but you know my limit better than me.”

“Is that so? Does that mean that you’ll listen to me if I told you not to push yourself on stage?” Seokjin sends a warning to Jungkook with his gaze. He's serious about it.

“Jungkook chuckles, "I always listen to you. Even if I may disagree and argue in the beginning, I always value your opinion.”

They toast and sip once again. Afterwards, Jungkook instructs Seokjin to wear the AirPods since it’s only a minute left to zero o’clock; the d-day and h-hour of his new song release.

Finally, this is it.

Seokjin listens to the song while closing his eyes, paying attention to the lyrics and nods here and there as if aggreging to the point that Jungkook made on the song. Jungkook keeps his eye on him for the entire three minutes of the song duration.

When Seokjin finishes, he puts the phone and the AirPods under the table and congratulates him, “Jungkook, this song is so good! It’s personal… but universal at the same time. I’m glad that you keep the honorifics there to give a nuance that it’s a conversation between you to yourself and you to the other person. Well done. I’m proud of you as a musician, and as a—,” he pauses then continues, “So, this is how you’re feeling?”

“Yes, with everything. After the second huge rumour, I think you’re right. There’s always something that we can’t control. No matter how hard we plan and prepare, it can be ruined by some unforeseen circumstances easily. If that’s the case, I just want to hold up to what I have even though it may be taken away from me. I want to be able to say that at least I try and I use my time well. No regret.”

“Ah, regret," Seokjin pauses as his face turns a bit sour, bad memories come to his mind and he apologises again, "I’m sorry, JK, if I’m not good with words. At that time when we fight, I just don’t want you to wake up someday in the future with regret that you give your all to your hyung.”

“But I don’t. And I won’t. The real question is, do you? Do you regret that you give up everything for me, hyung? Your acting? Your dream of a simple life? Your effortless heterosexual arranged marriage?”

Jin pauses again. Does he?

No, he doesn’t.

It’s true that it’s been hard for him, way harder than words can convey, but it’s worth it. So, he answers, “If I were 20 once again, I’d make sure that I’d take the same bus. I’d make sure that I call that agency woman even though it scares me. I’d find that doe eyes of yours and say hi first.”

“Then me too. If I were 15 once again, I’d still reject all the other companies and chose Big Hit. I’d make sure I’m not running away from that handsome hyung just because I feel timid.”

Jungkook keeps his back straight and his right hand on his chest as he declares, “It’s my decision to be with you. I made that decision consciously and after a loong consideration. I choose you despite what will happen in the future and what others might say. If you think that I’m not capable of doing that, you hurt me.”

“I believe you. At times like this, I feel like you’re older than me,” praises Seokjin as he tickles and teases Jungkook, “Hyung, hyung~ Jungkookie hyung~”

They engage in a lazy boxing fight for a while, but then decide that they shall spend the night more seriously. They proceed to talk about the song making and lyrics writing process behind ‘Still with You.’ Seokjin connects it with another recent song that’s composed by Jungkook, ‘Your Eyes Tell.’ The members already recorded their part for the song and Seokjin can’t help but notice a pattern there.

“You used to cover ballads and now seeing you’re writing hopeful songs like these makes me happy. It’s such a relief to see you have a more positive outlook towards life," admires Seokjin. Lately, he's always full of admiration for Jungkook.

“It’s because I’m in love, hyung," Jungkook proclaims, "From now on, let’s sing more songs like this instead of ballads.”

Seokjin blushes. To divert Jungkook’s attention from his reddened face, he grabs the box beside him and gives it to Jungkook. “I’m sorry for the delay. Please accept this even if it’s late,” says him as Jungkook receives and puts it on the table.

Jungkook scoots down from the bean bag so that he can see the box closer. He crosses his leg while examining the box. It’s sturdy, but plain and light. There’s no ribbon, sticker, or anything on the box. He doesn’t have any clue of what’s inside it.

He slowly opens and peeks on the inside.

He closes it again to turn and say thank you to Seokjin.

After Jungkook completely removes the lid, he finds nine sprigs of tiger lilies surrounded by rumex flowers. The rumex acts as a pedestal while the tiger lilies rest beautifully on top of them. The inside and the outside of the box have such a different appearance.

Seokjin didn’t say it but he chose the flower box for a reason.

It represents their relationship; something so alive yet has to be masked as nothing but ordinary. He also selected the flower based on them. Tiger lily is Jungkook’s birth flower which means ‘please love me’ while rumex is Seokjin’s birth flower which means ‘extensive love.’ Both flowers on the same box complement each other so well.

Jungkook looks at the box with so much nostalgia from their first meeting, the billiard night, to his middle school graduation, which makes him jumps in awe, “It’s not a cheap convenience store flower...”

“It’s not. How dare you think of that before when I drove around Seoul to buy one. It’s not a common flower. Come take a look at the lily closely.”

As Seokjin requested, Jungkook takes one lily out of intuition and he finds a note just right behind it. He puts the lily back and grabs the note on his hand. It’s folded, so he can’t read it immediately like what he did back then to Seokjin.

He tosses the note to the left hand.

Then tosses it back again to the right hand.

Then tosses it back again to the left hand.

That’s enough; he can’t stand the anticipation any longer. He lets out a deep sigh and opens the note.

JK,
You don’t need to ask or beg
I’m yours since the day we met
-Jin

In a flash after he finished reading, Jungkook covers his face with his hands, whimpering. Once he calms down, he hugs the notes to his chest and closes his eyes.

Flashes of vivid colours, sounds, and smells start to appear. The memory shoves him way back to the time he relentlessly questioned, “Will he ever look at me?” Then it throws him again to another time when he stared at Seokjin’s sleeping face and recited, “Will he ever be mine?” until he fell asleep. It doesn’t stop as it forces him to re-enact the failed first kiss when he blamed himself, “Am I undesirable?”

All the memories that he associates with pain, bloom and dance in the rain.

How could it be possible for a human being to experience this immense happiness in life? Jungkook wants to laugh, scream, and cry at the same time. He feels like he’s going to combust due to all the feelings inside him.

But it doesn’t translate well as he just freezes, still with eyes closed and arms crossed over his chest.

He freezes while his slowly opened eyes are brightened as if they’re the centre of the universe. All of the pain, hardship, and bliss that they witness has brought him to this exact moment. That short note has risen him to a crescendo.

A hug from behind almost makes his heart stop. Seokjin’s arms are crossed in front of his chest, in a similar position like his.

Seokjin’s touch brings Jungkook’s consciousness back from the trance-like state, but his frantic mind needs a confirmation, "I feel like I’m dreaming. Oh, what a fool, am I dreaming again like before?" Jungkook’s right hand is busy rubbing his eyes, while his left hand holds onto the notes tightly so it won’t disappear in any given moment.

Seokjin releases the hug to kneel in front of Jungkook. He stops the eyes-rubbing, then caresses his cheek. He reassures him, “Even if it’s a dream, we’re in it together, jagiya. We’re taking control of this dream.“

With a glance, he tells Jungkook to take a deep breath as he sits back on the beanbag. If he doesn’t do that, Seokjin genuinely thinks that Jungkook is going to pass out.

Is it possible for someone to pass out because of happiness?

After three deep breaths, Jungkook is back to the present moment. The first thing that he does is to find Seokjin’s eyes and smile at him, but his comment makes Jungkook’s eyebrows and lips arch in an instant. He teases, “You look like you just came. Did you?”

Jungkook glared at Seokjin and complains, “Why are you ruining my sacred moment?”

Seokjin pats the purple bean bag and insists, “Because if you don’t come back here, we can’t continue our conversation. Are you going to spend the rest of the night staring into oblivion when you can stare at my handsome face instead? Here, quick.”

Jungkook chokes and laughs at the same time. He sips his drink to the last drop and sits down beside Seokjin. Now that they’re facing each other, yet another intense gaze battle happens. Jungkook tilts his head and asks, “The note, is it true, hyung?”

Seokjin’s face softens when he confides, "JK, you don't have to do anything else. All you have to do is walk into that room. You'll catch my eyes, and that's it, I'm yours. Why else do I still have a clear memory of that day? It's because you're right, I love you first, even before you can look me in the eye."

At that moment, Jungkook regrets the time with Taehyung and Jimin when he stated that he used to believe in love at first sight and when he agreed that his idea didn’t make sense when Yoongi advised him. He should never lose his belief, because tonight, it turns out that it's real. Jungkook’s idea of love isn't wrong.

It's just that he never thought that he'd be the one who's loved since the first sight.

Indeed, the universe works in a mysterious way, but the mystery will be unfolded by the mercy of time and patience.

However, nine years aren't a short period for a love to fully bloom, so he asks Seokjin, "Why do you think it takes us nine years?"

"Because it's not a fairytale," Seokjin answers immediately which makes Jungkook thinks that he already pondered upon the same question before. "Because the world is a scary place and all eyes are on us. Because in reality, love fades sometimes or it leads us to the wrong person. But don't you think we've loved each other well during these nine years?"

Jungkook scans the memory quickly.

2011

2012

2013

2014

2015

2016

2017

2018

2019

Now.

"We do. Our love grew as we also grew as a person, and it's beautiful," concludes Jungkook.

"That's why. Love alone isn't enough; even love at first sight. It has to work. We have to make it work. We're a great team, JK. Though the future may be dark and uncertain, let's face it together."

"We’re a great team, I agree. But it won't be dark if we have each other. We'll still be full of colours in the monochromatic world."

Jungkook has a way with words, Seokjin admits that. For such a young man, he’s way more mature than his age. Seokjin grabs his glass to sip a drink before he finally re-opens the postponed confession, “I think it’s the right time for me to finally ask you. JK, do you want to give us a try? Do you want to be my boyfriend?”

“Oh? But I’m finally okay with us just being us,” Jungkook answers and smiles mischievously.

“Really?”

Jungkook smiles wider seeing Seokjin’s confused face. He taunts him, “Hmm, what if I don’t want to?” It’s payback because Seokjin teased him before.

“Punk, I’ll fight you to death. Yah, come on, I’m embarrassed!”

Jungkook laughs again. An embarrassed Seokjin is the cutest side of him. “Of course, hyung. I just want you to know that I’m not pressuring you into it if you’re not comfortable. And only if you don’t see me as a kid,” states him sharply.

“Is that so? JK, I stopped seeing you as a kid since ‘DNA.’ That time when we’re a bit distant, it’s because I started seeing you as man and the transition confused me for a bit. I stopped treating you as a baby since then if you notice.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“No one knows. But now you know.”

They smile. Seokjin caresses Jungkook’s right hand. He traces Jungkook’s tattoos; his fingers roam and make a stop here and there to stroke the image. Noticing that, Jungkook suddenly gets an idea, “Hyung, when you enlist later, I’m going to make a moon tattoo, so that you’ll always be with me.”

“Where? Your right arm is full.”

“Someplace where only you can see it?”

“Come here,” Seokjin opens his legs and invites Jungkook to sit between them. The purple beanbag is vacant in a matter of seconds.

Though Jungkook works out a lot until he’s built like this, his body still sinks perfectly in between Seokjin’s broad shoulders. Seokjin holds his head up high to give space for Jungkook’s head when he notices something magical.

“JK, do you work with God to give me a gift?”

“What God? What do you mean?”

Jungkook doesn’t pay much attention to Seokjin’s expression as he’s still finding the most comfortable position in the beanbag that’s not made for two. Seokjin stops him by holding his neck softly and slowly tilts it to the pitch-black sky.

The moon is pink.

He blinks to make sure.

The moon is still pink.

How come? Both of them don’t know the answer, but they enjoy the surreal scenery together; they’re moon bathing under the gracious gleam of the pink moon.

At that point, Jungkook firmly believes that luck, fate, destiny, divine order, or whatever people name it, is on their side. It's another sign—yes, Jungkook still believes in prophetic sign although it lets him down once.

Hugging Jungkook like this, Seokjin is once again reminded of Jungkook’s warmth. It’s even warmer than the blanket that wraps him before. His one hand caresses the vein on Jungkook’s left arm while his other hand brushes Jungkook’s hair. His breath and side lips tickle Jungkook’s neck. During the moment, Seokjin softly hums to Park Hyosin’s ‘Wildflower’ in Jungkook’s ear.

They’re lost inside the melody of the hum, the flickering candles, the rustling of the tree leaves, and their synchronised breaths.

When the candle starts to melt into a puddle, Jungkook pleads, “Hyung, I know you love being intimate more than anything, and I enjoy that too, but I’m really hard right now and it hurts so much I want to cry. Can you at least kiss me?”

Seokjin can’t help but chuckles at Jungkook’s honesty. “Hey, I know you are too, don’t tease me,” adds Jungkook. Seokjin makes space so that they can face each other, and finally, he pulls him into a deep kiss. A downpour of ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’ fills the gaps when their lips are apart.

They kiss and kiss until both of them fall down from the bean bag, which leads Seokjin to ask, “Your room or mine?”

“Yours. My room is messy with all the cardboards from these,” replies him as his eyes scan across the porch.

They quickly blow the candles and leaves the rest as it is. Jungkook runs first—with the flower box on his arms—and Seokjin follows closely. They’ll clean up tomorrow as there’s a more urgent matter that needs to be taken care.

They forget Jungkook’s phone and the AirPods.

---

The first thing that they notice in Seokjin’s bedroom door is a post-it. Seokjin thought that it’s another countdown from Jungkook, but it’s a message from Namjoon.

Take your time and don't hold back, me and Yoongi have noise-cancelling headphones.

Jungkook drags Seokjin who’s still reading the note inside the bedroom—he’s not interested in reading it. After all, it’s a delayed make-up sex that he’s been dying to have since months ago. They lay on the bed to resume what they left on the porch while slowly stripping each other’s clothes.

After Jungkook pauses to get the lube and condoms from Seokjin’s drawer, Seokjin holds Jungkook’s hand and says, “JK, will you please fuck me tonight?”

It’s the first time that Seokjin ever initiates something first. Jungkook crawls around to face him and makes sure, “On your mouth?”

“No.”

“Oh," he twitches, trying to make sense of it, "but why?”

"I don’t know, I feel like I should." Seokjjn pauses and resumes, "Because it's you."

Jungkook wraps his arms around Seokjin and buries his head on Seokjin’s neck. Seokjin can feel that Jungkook's cheek's widened, so he must be smiling now.

“Are you okay with that? I know it’s your first time to be—”

“I’m okay; it’s you. I thought you don’t like it.”

“I think I will.”

"Do you want it for you? Not for me?"

"No, it's me. I really want it. I said please."

It’s the exact sentence that Jungkook has wanted to hear for long. Not about what he asks, but the fact that he finally asks first. Because if he doesn’t, Jungkook will wait again. He doesn't mind.

Jungkook is nervous, of course, but Seokjin has taught him everything. Even when Seokjin massages him, he always stops and asks “Is it okay?” or “Does it feel good?” from time to time as if he’s the most fragile creature on Earth. He’s a gentleman that makes Jungkook’s first, second, third and the entirety of his experiences are nothing but heavenly. He’s very grateful for that as he read many ghastly stories before.

So, he knows what to do. He uses his lips, tongue, fingers, and all his exceptional tacit knowledge of Seokjin’s body to prepare him. He only stops when Seokjin pats his head and calls him, “JK, come up here. You’re doing a great job. I think I’m ready.”

He looks up to be eye-level with Seokjin, but his hand is still busy stroking him, leaving the man before him entrapped in the spell. Seokjin's arms and legs are wrapped tightly around his body, as he entered his boyfriend bit by bit. Every second of it matters as much as the whole seconds that they spend together until now.

Both of their fingers are interlaced when Seokjin clasps tighter as a cue to tear down the last wall between them. The boy who now has become a man knocks once again by making an alluring proposition, “Can we continue against the wall near the door?”

“Uh, why so specific?”

“To erase a certain memory and replace it with a good one.”

Right, the memory of the fight.

“Mmm, can you lift me? I want to keep seeing your face. I miss that.”

Jungkook smiles proudly, “Of course, I can. It's one of the motivations I work out.”

Seokjin bites Jungkook's ears, then lures him with a deeper voice, “Let’s do it then.”

Jungkook holds Seokjin without breaking the embrace and the kiss. Each step to the wall shatters the tiny parts of the invisible wall between them. More of the parts shamble as Seokjin’s back reaches the wall and Jungkook pushes harder, faster, and stronger, devoured by the need to reach him completely.

Rosy marks bloom everywhere on their chests and shoulders.

Their soft panting voices harmonise by heart.

Once again, the repetitive rhythm and vibration guide them towards the ecstatic trance. It begins slowly until the ascending tempo induces the intensity to reach past the zenith.

Seokjin tilts his neck to the back until his veins shown. Beyond the fallen wall, the void that’s been looming over his sanity bursts as a whole universe in his mind is put into creation. When the friction expands to his entire body, gravity lures his weakened muscle, and he bites Jungkook’s shoulders as it mutes his scream.

Seeing his most cherished sight in the universe, Jungkook bleeds as he bits his lips to silence himself. For a microsecond, he’s out of his body. He almost drops the man on his arms, but Seokjin’s grip tightens as he lands on his feet. They kiss once again before they collapse to the floor and sit side by side as they catch their breath.

So, that’s how beautiful receiving love is, Seokjin thinks.

This time, he’s not scared because he knows that he can reciprocate it with all sincerity. He knows that they’re going to be entangled in an endless wheel of giving, receiving, giving, receiving, as they balance each other and release themselves from the fog of melancholy that blinds their mind.

If all the positive emotions in the world have to be summed up in one word, that’s love.

That’s now. And there will be only love from now on.

Seokjin interlaces his fingers with Jungkook’s and whispers, "Thank you, boyfriend. I know you can take care of me well. You're amazing."

Jungkook knows that, but he still makes sure because he loves being complimented, "Am I doing a good job?”

“Of course, you are. We finished together, so it means that we’re in tune with each other tonight,” comforts Seokjin while patting his hair.

“I think I enjoy that too."

"We can switch whenever we like. It’s just a sex position, not a fixed identity."

“As long as we don’t fight about who’s going to top or bottom every time,” Jungkook mumbles.

“Yah, I don’t pick a fight, you do!" counters Seokjin who perfectly heard what Jungkook said though Jungkook lowered down his voice.

“Aeescham,” Jungkook grumbles. Instead of continuing the conversation, he rubs his knuckles then ask Seokjin for a fist bump. Seokjin replies mindlessly, but shortly after he complains, “Yah, when will you stop mocking my awkwardness.”

The sound of laughter permeates the room.

The Moon and the Earth are not passing each other. The edges have been tied into a ring connecting us as one. The two of us as one life.

---

After tidying up, Seokjin and Jungkook move to the bed to cuddle. They open the curtain so that the moonlight can illuminate the room. No one can see them anyway.

Under the beautiful serendipity like this, they’d rather talk than sleep. Jungkook rests his head on Seokjin’s lap. He curls like a cat and closes his eyes while Seokjin’s petting his chin.

It’s their first time once again after they renewed their agreement in December. Almost six months ago. Six months? Realising that, Seokjin stops playing with Jungkook’s hair, and he asks, “Do you think I’m too slow or too laid back?”

“Sometimes.”

“Hey, what’s with that sometimes?” He pulls Jungkook’s hair upon hearing that smug tone, to no avail because he seems to enjoy it.

“I tend to rush, but we complement each other. I learn a lot from your patience and careful approach. See, even your imperfection is perfect for me,” he replies.

On the spur of the moment, Jungkook straightens his back on the headboard and begins a monologue, “Hyung, after 2017, our life is certainly not normal, how can we still expect a normal relationship? What if normal doesn’t work for us? I believe everything is different for all of us. It’s not one-size-fits-all. Doing something that should make us happy when it’s clearly not, wouldn’t it be the root of unhappiness?”

“Hmm, are you happy with me, JK?” Seokjin cooed to tease him.

“Hyung, you’re my happiness. My happiness starts with you, but I don’t want it to end with you. I want to be able to be happy on my own too. That’s what I’ve been thinking these whole months. I need to be strong for myself too. I want to be my own person.”

“Hmm, that’s one of the reasons why I love you. You’re wise. JK, you don’t need me, okay? You’re whole. Same with me. We don’t have to be needed to be loved. I don’t think it’s right or wrong, but I think it’s healthy for us.”

They hug together for the umpteenth time this night, then Seokjin makes a promise under the pink moon, “Let’s be together not because we’re unhappy with ourselves, but because we want to share our happiness.”

That impromptu monologue and intense conversation dry Jungkook’s throat. He stands up to take the water bottle on Seokjin’s unusually messy desk. After he scans everything promptly, he’s back under the cover again, sharing the drink with a man whom he can properly introduce as his boyfriend, who's now busy massaging his arms.

Jungkook’s first boyfriend.

Jungkook's first love. Most likely, it'll be the last too.

"Thank you for loving me so well, JK," Seokjin whispers as he wraps up the massage. It’s the least he can do after Jungkook tires himself that much. He kisses Jungkook’s cheek and rests his head on his shoulder.

"Me? I only do what you did to me and what you taught me."

"No, you do so much more than tha—” suddenly Seokjin’s voice cracks. He can’t continue speaking, so Jungkook offers him the water. After he swallows the drink and probably the hesitation within him, he whimpers, "I made a grave mistake back then…”

Jungkook embraces Seokjin on his chest. It’s the first time for Jungkook to hear his voice like that. He can feel that Seokjin’s body trembled and his bare chest wet. It’s the first time Jungkook see Seokjin cries over a personal matter. It’s not a quiet tear, but a loud cry. Jungkook guesses that he’s been holding it for too long, so it bursts up like this.

It’s the most heartbreaking sound that Jungkook’s ever heard.

Between the note that the received at the porch, the washed-out fonts on a crumpled name card that he saw at the desk, and Seokjin’s visit to the counselling, Jungkook is quick to interpret the situation.

Seokjin’s first boyfriend.

As a matter of fact, from the way Seokjin never talked about his ex when they broke up, he sensed that something’s totally wrong. He concluded that Seokjin wanted to erase it from memory with all possible haste.

He pats Seokjins’s back and soothes him, "Hyung, I know. Believe me, I know." Seokjin glances at Jungkook’s face in confusion, then Jungkook points out towards the desk. He adds, “Are you okay now? I really love you. I was never intended to take you away from him and hurt you both. I’m sorry for ruining everything, but I love you."

What a twist in this supposed to be a simple first-love story, contemplates Seokjin. Indeed, love and heartbreak always come in pair. At first, he thinks about it as a course of the event, something that precedes one another. But now he understands that it can happen simultaneously.

When a person falls in love, another person will have a heartbreak. When a person enters a relationship, another person will weep upon the lost chance.

That’s life.

That’s the reality that he must accept.

Still, the heartbreaks that were caused by him doesn’t mean that he doesn’t deserve love or that he should stop loving so he won’t break hearts. No one should be punished from not loving someone’s back because love and hate don’t belong together. When there’s hate, it means that there’s no love—at least not enough.

This time, Seokjin is relieved because once again, he doesn’t have to say much for Jungkook to understand him. Now Jungkook shall know that, "It's not your fault, okay? Promise me that you won't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. It’s before 2015 anyway when you don’t even know if you like boys yet. It’s all on me."

“But it’s because of me, right?”

The tears has stopped flowing; Seokjin’s red eyes stare sharply at Jungkook’s. No other words follow.

"Okay, I won't. For you, I won't. I understand now. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you... or him."

“And you’re still underage when I first fell for you.” Seokjin sounds uncomfortable as he says that, so Jungkook hugs him tighter.

“It doesn’t matter now. I promise you that I grew up quickly, remember? It’s not like I’m 15 and you’re 50. And you wait for me. Isn’t that alone enough proof that you’re being respectful towards me? You wait even if you know that the lovestruck boy will do anything for you in a heartbeat.”

At that point, Jungkook is ashamed of himself because he never thinks about Seokjin’s hardship and how suffocating it must be for him to endure all of that alone. What’s left for him to is to console him, "It’s in the past, hyung. Let's walk forward together. You're always there when I cry, let me be there too when you cry."

Seokjin glances at Jungkook’s teary eyes, his thumb slightly brushes the tears away as he teases, "And cry together?"

"Well, most likely, you know that I’m sensitive," replies Jungkook bitterly while wiping the tears that start to fall down. It makes Seokjin laugh which leads Jungkook to continue, “But if you’re with me, then I can make you laugh in an instant too.”

Laugh, moan, and cry. They have them all this night. Tonight, they encounter every facet of love that sums up their nine years together. They’ll befriend them all knowing that those will always greet them in their upcoming years together.

Even if love might be messy, they believe that it’ll find its way at the end.

---

Seokjin drags Jungkook half-asleep body to the bathroom. This 24-year-old man really tests his patience when he refuses to brush his teeth before sleeping.

However, as his eyes land on the two toothbrushes on the mug—one pink, one purple—and their reflection on the mirror, Seokjin’s heart warms up in an instant. He nudges Jungkook’s neck and tells him, “I know the meaning of happiness just now.”

“All of a sudden? What is it?”

“It’s here and now. The moment when I feel like I want to pause time because I want to stay in it forever. The moment when I don’t think about the past or the future. I think I want a pause button more than a rewind or a fast forward.”

Jungkook hooks his right arm to Seokjin’s left arm. Still with the toothbrush in their hands, they’re trapped in yet another strength battle to find out who can break the hook first.

Since there’s no winner from the match, they just proceed to brush their teeth with their arms linked like a fool. Jungkook with his right hand and Seokjin with his left hand. Two grown-up men that, for a moment, looks like eight years old kids.

But they’re happy that way.

Though the world may not understand them, at least they understand each other.

Jungkook’s voice is muffled because of the toothbrush on his mouth, but Seokjin still hears him says, “Then let’s always be here and now with me. Let’s pause the time.”

Happiness radiates even to the world behind the mirror.

Is it possible to fall in love with something that we don’t understand?

Yes, they can confirm that.

It’s like the feeling of falling in love with a song with unfamiliar lyrics. We know nothing about it, but the feeling is just right. It conveys emotions and the meaning in a different yet universal manner.

In the same way, maybe Seokjin and Jungkook were already there way before they’re able to define their relationship; way before they acknowledge their feeling.

Maybe we can love without understanding what love is.

Because language is such a limiting boundary to the vast magnitude of human emotion and experience.

With their arms locked and mouths full of foams, Seokjin and Jungkook look at each other’s reflection in the mirror. It’s not uncanny, yet it’s another epiphany.

Now that they see those delicate eyes side by side, they slowly understand that the gaze that they always share isn’t only because they’re equally shy and awkward, but because their poetic feelings are too deep and transcendental that they can’t begin to make sense of them in such prosaic terms.

Pause.

The mirror smiles back at them.

Chapter Text

If I close my eyes
I think I will remember the times that we are together
When I close my eyes
I think I will only remember the happy memories
-Jin, Tonight

JUNE 2020

“He’s still here.”

Yesterday is real. Seokjin is going to make sure that a day like yesterday will last a lifetime for Jungkook and him. He rolls from behind the blanket and tucks it to the man beside him who’s still stuck in the parallel world of his dream.

Reminiscing yesterday reminds Seokjin that they haven’t clean up the porch yet. He’s determined to do it himself since Jungkook has spent hours preparing it. It's his turn now.

Minutes later, Seokjin enters the kitchen with the wine glasses that they used yesterday. The first person that he meets is Yoongi. Sipping his morning coffee, he greets Seokjin with his pressing question, “Are you and Jungkook boyfriends yet?”

Seokjin doesn’t answer; instead, he winks and points his finger at Yoongi.

“Whoa, it took you fucking nine years since you first met him in 2011. And it’s started with songs, a true musician indeed,” teases Yoongi while clapping his hands.

Seokjin pretends to make an angry face and replies, “Shut up, single.”

Yoongi knows that his hyung is only joking, so he laughs, “At least I’m not pining on someone for almost a decade! When I found the right one, I’ll make sure I’ll be in a relationship in less than a year.”

“Yeah, probably in 2027. Enjoy seven more years of being single.”

“Whoa, rude! How dare you disrespect your number one supporter? From the days I accept him as a third roommate? You should treat me, hyung. Buy me some gold bars or something.”

“I’m kidding. I owe you a lot Yoongi, thank you. I love you.” A flying kiss follows his statement.

Seokjin finishes cleaning up and prepares pots and pans next. He asks Yoongi if he has any preference for breakfast, but he’s okay with anything as he's more interested in his morning coffee. Seokjin opts for a quick kimchi fried rice and vegetable pancake.

While preparing the ingredients, he listens to Yoongi who rants about how he spends the morning searching out for a singing cow. He thought Yoongi is bluffing as usual, but then he gives him Jungkook’s phone and AirPods that were left on the porch. Poor Yoongi, he must be confused by Jungkook's bizarre alarm.

Before Yoongi moves to the living room, he asks Seokjin to remind him about Jungkook’s appearance as a guest in his Kkul FM Radio on Vlive. That sparks a bit of discussion between them. Seokjin knows Jungkook is still uncomfortable with sharing things with the public, but Yoongi convinces him that he tailored the session to fits Jungkook best.

He agrees at the end since there’s nothing that they can do anyway; it’s work. An idol in the seventh year of his career can't be unprofessional like that.

Not long after, the savoury fragrant of the food starts to fill the kitchen.

Cooking brings many flashbacks to Seokjin. He remembers the time when he spoke about his ideal date: cooking and eating together at home.

He smiles as he realises how Jungkook has always been with him all these years doing precisely that. Countless meal preparation at the dorm, that happy time when they work as a teammate and cook pasta, and that funny time when they succeeded in skinning self-catch salmon together.

Those small moments apparently will matter more in memories rather than when he first experienced it. The memories will only get more and more beautiful as he ages because he can attach more meanings to them, as the person inside those memories keeps growing to be more and more significant to him too.

He deeply regrets the time when he considered to keep Jungkook and him as a memory; as a nostalgia. Because nostalgia is escapism from an unsatisfactory present and unfulfilled desires. There’s no need for nostalgia when the reality is better than the memory.

Today and throughout every day that will come, he wants to fight for that reality.

---

A smell of fig leaves awakens Jungkook senses up. The darkness that surrounds him is slowly lifted up as he begins to notice the sunlight that permeates his half-awakened vision.

He stays that way for a while and only grasps into consciousness when he feels Seokjin’s lips on his cheek with a serene, “Good morning, jagi.”

There he is.

Seokjin sits beside Jungkook, holding a candle that Jungkook bought for yesterday’s moment. The man looks at the candle in awe while wondering, “Whoa, I discover something new to wake you up. You can wake up with the scent of a candle? That’s unique.”

Seokjin puts down the candle to the table and tosses Jungkook his phone before he sulks about the fact that he fails to show him that he can wake up earlier.

To Seokjin’s surprise, Jungkook doesn’t mind. It means that he’s in a good mood this morning. “Hyung, it’s our first day!” is the first sentence that he says which Seokjin replies with a warm hug and a pat on the back.

“Wash yourself and wear something. You can’t walk around topless with all that marks on your skin,” cues Seokjin.

He’s sure that Jungkook is in a good mood when he doesn’t complain much and directly goes to the bathroom. He still doesn’t put any clothes on though, but Seokjin doesn’t want to ruin the moment by arguing.

Before having breakfast, they start the morning by exercising; doing several sets up push-ups and crunches as they always do. They’re sharing the water bottle when Seokjin points out something that Jungkook forgets since yesterday, “Yoongi told me to remind you that you’re going to be on his Kkul FM this afternoon. Do you need me to accompany you?”

A simple sentence that drastically changes the whole mood of the morning.

A simple sentence that brings Jungkook back to the place that he doesn’t want to explore yet. He’s getting better in a sense that he doesn’t lock himself in the room anymore, but stepping up to the spotlight and using his voice is another dilemma.

Glued to the wall, eyes on the floor, the excessive fingers scratching guides Jungkook as he’s being thrown away from his comfort zone to the battlefield, which is social life—celebrity life. The world outside his bubble that again and again never stops to make him nervous no matter how much he loves it; hiding the man that’s been so brave last night.

“It’s okay. The questions are mostly about your song. Then you’ll read fairytales. Yoongi knows that you’re still uncomfortable talking a lot, so he prepared a drawing session instead. You don’t have to worry about a slip of the tongue,” Seokjin tries to soothe him with words, but it doesn’t do much.

Jungkook begins to space out.

Seokjin desperately wants to go inside Jungkook’s mind and throw away the doubts, but he can’t. He can’t so he just holds Jungkook’s hand. He holds it still even when Jungkook starts to kiss him sloppily, not once but many times, and guide his hands to the places that he shall touches.

There’s a different way of how Jungkook wants to be caressed when’s he’s anxious, Seokjin notices.

There’s a sense of urgency as he gets impatience and rushes everything. The desperation tells that he doesn’t just want it, but he needs it. He seeks for intimacy, to relieve his anxiety. It's the same reason he's often touchy with the members.

--- Warning starts ---

There’s also a curiosity that creeps inside Seokjin's mind ever since two years ago. Because they’re official now, he thinks it’s time to confirm it.

Seokjin stops Jungkook who's all over him now; he lifts his chin to look him in the eyes as he says, “I want to try something that you might like. But you need to find a safe word. Do you want it?”

Jungkook knows what that means. He obviously can’t hide anymore, so he confides, “Hyung, I have a secret.”

Seokjin doesn’t reply. Still with his hand on Jungkook’s chin, he simply tilts his head and waits for him to explain more.

“Do-do you know why I always hit you?" Jungkook carefully asks.

"Because you think that I’m soft?” Seokjin remembers that Jungkook said that once during a variety show.

However, it seems that it's not the right answer. Jungkook scratches his arm back and forth while explaining, “Hmm, no. Sometimes I want you to hit me harder. When you lifted my chin back then when we’re fighting, that’s exactly when I calmed down, if you notice. And now too."

Seokjin smiles as he removes his hand. It’s just as he predicts. He replies, “Poor you, I might be the most patient guy on Earth,” he tightens his grip to Jungkook's waist and nibbles on his ear while whispering, “But message received. So, the safe word?"

“꽃. That’s my safe word. Let’s get it,” convinces Jungkook. He lets out small laughs afterwards. His mood lightens up just like that.

Jungkook’s duality dumbfounds Seokjin; how can he switch from happy to anxious then to passionate in such a short period of time? He’s lost on his thought for a second.

Not giving Seokjin more time to overthink, Jungkook taunts him by hitting Seokjin's chest.

This time, instead of letting it slide as usual, Seokjin pushes Jungkook harder and locks him under his body.

They wrestle for a bit until Seokjin slams him to his cabinet—harder than he intended to until his memorabilia fall to the floor. He checks on Jungkook to see if he’s okay only to find out his satisfied smirk.

He’s ready to toss him into the bed when they heard knocks on the door and an innocent concern, "Hyung, are you okay? I heard something fall down and noises. Did you hurt yourself?"

"I'm okay, Namjoon! I'm playing with Jungkook. Just eat first, I made breakfast!" shouts Seokjin as he struggles to keep Jungkook still. His strong grip starts to give reddish mark on Jungkook's arms.

Namjoon runs from Seokjin’s door as soon as he heard Jungkook. He doesn’t want to know what they’re doing. The members notice for long that Jungkook likes to 'torture' his body so he can surpass his own limit, setting a new record all over again, so they have a guess of what the maknae might want in bed. They're just glad that he meets his match.

From the sound alone, people will be sure that they’re fighting. They don’t see the fact that they're also kissing and stripping each other in the process.

After a moment of play fighting, Jungkook is finally cornered to the headboard of the bed. He mutters a quiet "Yes, hyung," as Seokjin stretches his silk tie to blindfold him. Before he begins to lose his sense of sight, he hears Seokjin whispers, “I want you to know that your sensitivity is a gift, not a weakness.”

Jungkook still thinks that Seokjin's personality resembles a wolf. He feels it even more now when his eyes are like this; they’re not full of lust, but love. He wants to see those eyes longer, but then there are only darkness and the smell of burning candles.

He waits in silence.

He doesn’t know what’s going on or if Seokjin is still beside him.

The candle isn't the only thing that's burning now.

He almost jumps from the bed when he feels Seokjin’s cold hands massaging his thighs. He moans as the hands roam all over his body except for the one part that Seokjin purposely leaves.

Soon, the light circles turn to firmer strokes, scratches, and nibbles in unexpected places of his body. Each one sends shivers to his body.

The sensory deprivation feels like sorcery for him. When one of his sense is dulled, his other senses get more sensitive. He can’t do anything except for clutching the sheet as Seokjin always strikes his hands whenever his hands go near him.

Jungkook never knew that being a highly sensitive person can bring this much pleasure. He's overwhelmed, but he enjoys it instead of curses it.

For the second time, Jungkook bites his lips hard when he feels the cold latex that's followed the heat of Seokjin’s throat. He almost kicks Seokjin, luckily, his partner acts fast to shove his legs back to the mattress.

He pinches his thighs as he needs a stronger grip than just the sheet.

“Aargh,” Jungkook whimpers as he suddenly loses the sensation when Seokjin twists his body without any warning. He hasn't even finished processing what happened before, yet he’s now on all fours, using the remaining energy that he has to support his body. “Fuck,” at last he can't help but swearing when he felt that his hair is being pulled harshly.

“Don't swear, JK. Remember the safe word,” Seokjin replies coldly while keeps doing what he does. He'll only stop if Jungkook using the right word.

“I know. I haven’t said it.”

Good, because Seokjin wants to be inside him. He wants to be the one who unveils all the layers of secrets where he hides. He wants to be one with him so that he can hold the key to his mind. He’ll do everything to understand him better. He’ll do that even if he has to thrust harder and harder each time he tries.

Seeing Jungkook almost loses his balance, Seokjin asks, "Does that feel good?"

Silence. Seokjin can’t hear anything except for Jungkook panting.

"I need you to talk so we can continue. If you don’t answer, I’ll stop."

"No! Uh, don’t. Yes, it feels good."

"Then move your chest up, use your arms' strength," commands Seokjin as he moves Jungkook's body. Jungkook feels that this is more challenging than his already crazy workout as he has to ride the waves of pleasure that weakens him, instead of drowning in it. While he's slowly building up his strength, Seokjin spanks him for being too slow.

"In a scale of 1 to 10, how was that? How much do you want it?" Seokjin asks without losing the pace of his thrust.

Jungkook gulps while feeling the bruises, but he can't hide the fact that he likes it, so he replies, "Uh... Fo-four. I think I can take seven."

Another spank lands on him, and another one next. Just as he expects the fourth, Seokjin stops and brushes the marks softly.

--- Warning ends ---

The anticipation.

That’s another thing that Jungkook likes. He doesn’t know what will happen or what Seokjin will do to him, but he surrenders to trust him. He’s trapped in the darkness, yet he knows that he’ll guide him.

It warms his heart as he crawls beyond the period when he always questions Seokjin’s feeling due to the uncertainties and the unknowns.

As Seokjin moves his hand to stroke his rock hard, the warmth spreads throughout his body. He raises his voice as he promises in his heart that he’d open up to let Seokjin inside his mind, body, and soul. He’d never keep any secret from him.

He’d learn to trust that he’s strong enough to face whatever life throws at him and to accept pain without suffering.

He’d learn to trust fate completely and to trust Seokjin wholeheartedly. No more second-guessing.

He’d learn to trust his ability to trust. Not being in control in a situation doesn’t mean that it’s terrible.

Not long after the warmth starts to burn his body, he feels full. Seokjin's body lays on top of him now. Finally, the man inside him succumbs to all the sensations.

To think of it, Seokjin almost always does that to the point that Jungkook thinks that Seokjin can only finish after seeing him satisfied.

Jungkook's arms and thighs give up from supporting the weight of the both of them, but his ears pick up a faint sound of bells ringing. The blindfold was thrown away to the floor as Jungkook fixes his gaze to Seokjin, who sits courtly as he catches his breath.

"Hyung, do you hear something?"

"Huh? Except you and I? No?"

Seokjin doesn’t understand the confused look on Jungkook’s face. He’s afraid that he made mistakes so he makes sure, “Are you okay? It's okay if you don't want to do it again, but it’s also okay if you do.”

Jungkook decides to forget his possible hallucination.

"I’m okay, much better than before. Thank you, hyung. Thank you for thinking about me and not making me feel ashamed,” Jungkook whispers while he hugs and pulls Seokjin into a cuddle. He continues, “I was anxious, but this helps."

“Ah, that’s a relief then. Hmm, do you perhaps know why that helps?"

Where did the man from before go? Jungkook is surprised to see how could Seokjin changes so fast to being his gentle self again who tenderly pats his head like now. Either way, he always feels safe and protected with him.

"Hmm, it may sound contrasting, but it makes me feel strong because I know that I can endure the pain. It's always like that, also when I work out and perform. I like pushing my body to the extreme and knowing that I conquered that."

"So, does the physical pain comfort the emotional pain that you feel?"

"Maybe?" Jungkook stops to think for a bit, "Wait, that sounds fucked up. What’s wrong with me?"

All these years, Seokjin observes that Jungkook has a high physical pain tolerance that sometimes can be dangerous to him as he doesn’t realise his limit. On the contrary, on the emotional side, he's very sensitive and he’s naturally an anxious person. He's easy to be overwhelmed and often compensates it by turning it into physical pain that he can endure better, hence the wristband that he always uses.

But It doesn’t always right to substitute both of them.

That’s why Seokjin needs to be with him during whatever it is that he craves to do, though a thing like this also new for him who doesn't think too much about sex in general. Even now, he thinks more about his partner because he’s worried and he has to make sure that Jungkook does everything in moderation. After all, he'll do anything for Jungkook.

There are still many things that they need to sort out together—both for Jungkook, for Seokjin, and for them as a partner and a team. Their journey just began.

“I think it's not entirely wrong because you use exercise as your coping mechanism. Let’s sort it out together. I want it to be a way to make you feel good about yourself because only I can do that to you, okay? Let me see every facet of you because for me they all shine equally bright," Seokjin finally replies after the reverie.

Seokjin’s words remind him of the lyrics on ‘Moon,’ You who shine solely by existing, can I stay by your side?

His eyes start to get teary. He intertwines his fingers to Seokjin’s. He mumbles, "It's good to hear that you're walking together with me instead of trying to fix me."

"You're not broken, to begin with. But we can always try to be a better person. Not for perfection, but because you love yourself.”

The first teardrop falls to the pillow.

The second teardrop falls to Seokjin’s thumb.

“Don’t worry. If you're frustrated and you ever feel the need to do dangerous things, tell me. Then we can spar, do this, or something else. I’ll try to be braver to accompany you. Do you trust me?”

“I trust you. I love you so much, hyung,” Jungkook hugs Seokjin tightly as if is his last day in the world, “Thank you for helping me learn a lot about myself and teach me about life.”

Seokjin straightens his back as he notices the time. He only continues talking after Jungkook follows his move.

"Not always, you teach me many things too. But let's think of it like this. You're starting a new game; I was there first, and my skill is 70% max. I teach you how to get that 70%, but you surpass it and get to 100% on your own effort. Then with that, you help me to complete my lack of 30%."

"So, I help you in the end?"

"Absolutely. What’s with the confused look from before, though? You looked like you saw a ghost?”

“I’ll tell you later. Now let’s clean up and eat, I’m hungry," says Jungkook as he drags Seokjin's arms lovingly.

“Okay, I’ll wash your back and hair. I just bought a new soap that you may like.”

Jungkook happily follows Seokjin to the bathroom as he begins to smile again. At this point, he doesn’t care if he hallucinated or not, because it’s real for him at that moment. It’s faint, but he clearly heard a bell.

Could it be that his sense of hearing was improved because of the blindfold?

Maybe.

Whatever it is, he comes to the understanding that although sometimes the sign arrives too late, if something means to happen, it will.

It’s true. There’s no such thing as too late in love, only the right time.

---

“Ladies and gentleman, here comes the new couple of Bangtan Sonyeondan, husband, Kim Seokjin and husband, Jeon Jungkook,” announces Namjoon who deepened his voice to mimic the formal tone of a British master of ceremony.

Meanwhile, Taehyung plays Mendelssohn’s wedding march on his iPad's piano application. Not only that, the rest of the members playfully mimic the melody with their vocals, with Hoseok's voice stands out from the others. In the middle of it, Taehyung makes a mistake that’s followed by, “Oops, I’m sorry my fingers are too big.”

It induces laughter for all the members who are currently gathering on the living room while having breakfast.

They’re so extra this morning which makes the two shy people who just enter the room blushes hard. Seokjin holds Jungkook's hand and pulls him as he says, “Jungkook-ah, let’s go back to our room.”

To no surprise, the members laugh even harder as they hear that and notice Seokjin and Jungkook awkwardness. Seokjin is once again thankful for Yoongi because he’s the only one to tell the members to stop before they make Jungkook cry.

Jungkook doesn’t cry, but even if he does, he’d be crying out of happiness. At this moment, he wants to stretch the time so he can be with Seokjin and Bangtan forever.

Seeing them just freeze like that, Jimin apologises, wraps both of them into a hug, then makes them sit on the sofa.

After Hoseok finishes heating up the already cold breakfast, the seven of them eat together in the living room. That morning, the members are thrilled to hear the news that the oblivious couple is finally mutually defined whatever kind of relationship that they had. They all root for them. They'll protect them no matter what happened in the future.

Hoseok asks, “So, are you going to stop bickering or what? ARMY will miss our Tom and Jerry.”

“Hey, this doesn’t change the fact that he’s still a brat. I like teasing him. We could be 70 and you’ll find me teasing him still,” answers Seokjin. He doesn’t have to think much before answering that. It’s the truth; it's his happiness.

Jungkook smirks and replies, “Whatever, old man,” then proceeds to give Seokjin a neck slap.

As usual, Namjoon is always so done with their antics. “You know what? I read this essay about love. It says that we’re no longer children who tease each other for fun. If we tease someone that much, it means that we’re craving for their attention. That’s exactly what you both are since years ago,” complains him.

A shout from Jimin startles everyone in the room, “Hey, does it mean that I love Yoongi hyung??? But I’m just intrigued by his stillness! Same with you Jungkook! How dare they resist my charm...”

“Ah, I have nothing to say on this,” Yoongi grumbles.

If there’s one good thing from all the calamities that happened in the world right now, it’s this. A time when the members can relax for a bit, cooking and eating breakfast together before going to the office. It’s like those precious days before they got swamped with the flood of works.

The sound of their laughter can be heard even from outside the apartment. Hoseok, who can’t control his reaction, laughs out loud as he rolls on the floor. He accidentally catches Taehyung who stares at him with loving eyes.

Taehyung smiles at Hoseok.

Hoseok smiles back.

Click.

Pause.

---

With the cancellation of Bangtan’s world tour, Seokjin plans to be more involved in the album-making process.

Alone in the working room, he’s been jotting down ideas on his notebook for almost two hours until boredom strikes him. He stops to rest and allows his mind to take him wherever it wants to be.

It stops at his father’s words, "You must use sincerity as a weapon."

Seokjin’s father is a mastermind, so Seokjin certainly takes after him. His plan A is to prepare an arranged marriage for his son with a woman if Seokjin is too busy to find one, but he’s also ready for plan B when his son decides to settle down with a man instead.

With the existence of plan B, ever since Seokjin's father knew that his son isn't straight, he prepared him for the battle with the world—or at least, with Korean society.

Instead of being combative, his father taught him to use politeness and kindness. He must show them to every person that he meets so that it's impossible to hate him even if the person disagrees with the idea of LGBTQ and also when troubles hit him.

It means that people should be able to see him as his true self, beyond his sexual orientation.

He always does that with every person that ever crosses path with him. Sending birthday message, new year’s greetings, hang out once in a while if the time is right. Seokjin grows up to be a master of making people feel special. Things like that are natural for him.

Although in theory, his intention may be questionable, he grew up doing that as a habit until he never thinks about the why. After all, it stems from his desire for survival. Something that probably won't be understood by 'normal' people who don't have to fight for their identities and validate their existence on a daily basis.

That's how he lives.

That's the reason behind his nonchalant attitude in dealing with external problems. Because his father, who told him early that Santa isn’t real and expect him to thank his father instead, is a realist. He saw various ugly sides of the world and showed it to Seokjin.

Seokjin is prepared—or so he thought—but Jungkook isn't.

He’s trained to do that since he's a child, but Jungkook is just a simple man who loves singing, dancing, and composing. He doesn't see far past his passions. It's certainly not wrong as he’s a gifted artist who should be focusing on creating masterpieces, what's wrong is that the world is never an ideal place and society is never perfect.

Seokjin knows, but Jungkook is too kind to understand that.

Being the maknae in the Korean music industry isn't easy because the media often see them as the weak link. A lot of rumours are regularly circulating to break them, including Jungkook, who's been getting many groundless accusations these days, which lead him to restrain himself from the world besides his innermost circle. It's not fair for Jungkook. Honestly, it's only a matter of time until Seokjin loses his patience and takes the matter to his own hands.

The sound of phone notification stops Seokjin from thinking much further.

Jungkook: Hyung, I just finished. Where are you? You promised to buy me dinner if I went to the radio.

Seokjin: Let’s meet at the artist lounge. You’re doing great, right? Stop torturing yourself. You know that ARMY will love you no matter what.

Jungkook: I hope so. See you there.

Some things never change.

Back then buying Jungkook food and taking him to places matter for him who struggled to make money. But now, when with all the money he still has the same excitement over a simple thing as a free meal, Seokjin begins to realise that Jungkook doesn't care about the reward, he cares about being rewarded by him. Anything that can challenge the competitive side of Jungkook.

They meet at the artist lounge to eat together. Since Taehyung and Jimin are already there, Seokjin decides to buy more food.

What begins as a promise to Jungkook, ends up as a small dinner party. Even some of the TXT members join as guests. Seokjin doesn’t mind because seeing all of them happy when eating makes him glad too.

After the festivity, Seokjin moves to Jungkook’s studio to accompany him finishing his mixtape—and to kiss him in private. They don’t spend much time there as Jungkook says that he’s tired. Understandable. He plans to go to the gym after this, but he’s positive that he has to skip it today. Again, understandable.

Seokjin suggests walking together instead to burn the calories. They can ask the company’s driver to give them a ride and drop them off near Hannam area, so they can continue to walk home from there.

Jungkook loves that idea, so they do that.

Wrapped in jackets and face masks, they spend the rest of the night walking.

Sometimes they have small talks and banters, but sometimes the mood is there for the big talk. Just like when suddenly Jungkook reflect upon the galaxy that’s reflected back in his eyes.

"Hyung, I think about the Moon and the Earth. From the perspective of humans, they're apart. From the perspective of the universe, they're together. Let's see it from the big picture because the universe is vast and ever-expanding, just like love and the endless possibilities that it brings."

Seokjin can't hide his admiration for Jungkook as his face glows. "My boyfriend is a romantic person, isn't he?" teases him.

"He is. Because even with all the subtleties, his boyfriend—and his parents—never failed to prove how marvellous love can be."

Seokjin sighs. With his eyes on his foot that's busy kicking the pebbles, he says, "I hate that the word love isn't enough to express the way I feel about you."

"That's okay. Your eyes tell everything," replies Jungkook as he nudges Seokjin's waist.

They lose focus on the road and look at each other instead.

Two seconds.

Five seconds.

Ten seconds.

On the eleventh, Seokjin breaks the stare and blinks.

On the eleventh, Jungkook's smile reaches its peak and he laughs.

"This. This look on your face right now. It's been there since you're 15 and I hope you'll look at me the same way even when you're 70," implores Seokjin in which Jungkook replies with another eye smile.

Twenty steps away from there, Jungkook changes his pace and stares at the dark sky. His feet swing happily like a child under the rain that plays with the puddle on the road. He massages Seokjin’s neck and wishes, “Hyung, I want to marry you for real…”

How could such an innocent statement sounds so heartbreaking at the same time?

What pains Seokjin isn't the words, but the longing and the melancholy behind them; the silent acknowledgement of the impossibility of the question. Is it a dream that can’t come true?

Seokjin decides to move from the future to the past, so he brings Jungkook back to the memory lane instead, “Hey, remember the time when you used to say that you don’t want to get married? Around 2014?”

“I know, right?" Jungkook chuckles, "I was ready to grow old alone and devote everything to be an artist. I’m amazed by the fact that a person can do a 180.”

“To think of it, you never talk about that to me.”

Jungkook frowns, but he still explains to Seokjin, “Hmm, what to talk about? Before I moved to Seoul, I just followed my friends to have a crush and date, but it’s nothing. It's just a virtual girlfriend. I never went out with her and was never attracted to anyone. It’s weird when something so normal was so alien to me. Maybe it’s because I discovered later that I’m gay and I’m a demi.”

“Ah, so that how it is.”

“Then, from that dull experience, I began to believe that I’ll be alone all my life because I didn’t feel anything to another person. But you came to me with a truck and destroyed my wall.”

“Did I? But I had a wall too, JK. I think both of us slowly removed the bricks, one by one throughout the years so that we can see eye to eye now. You work hard for us too. It’s teamwork,” Seokjin soothes him.

Seokjin doesn’t like it when Jungkook sometimes feel like the inferior one in their relationship, even after he dedicates a song for him that says that he’s the one who makes it meaningful. Maybe that’s what Jungkook feels every time Seokjin doubts himself in working life. They have a different kind of inferiority.

Regardless, it’s time for him to conclude with a hopeful remark, "Seven more years JK and we can do whatever we want. Bang PD-nim can be the marriage officiant. How about buying an island for us, move there, then we can be like Bear Grylls hyung nim together?"

"Call! Can I be a Kim, though?"

"Why? There are too many Kim. I'd rather be a Jeon; it's rarer."

"Jeon Seokjin?"

"Kim Jungkook? It doesn’t matter though since we don't change names, even more, if we’re going to be on a remote island…”

Laughter fills the silence of the road. It’s only the two of them there as far as they can see.

When they see a short wall in the distance, they stop to sit. They hope that no one sees them when they rest their heads on top of one another. They do nothing but enjoying the night and the miracles that bring them to this moment.

With fingers brush on the back of Jungkook’s hand, suddenly Seokjin dares to ask, "JK, I believe in you, so please don't take this as an insult."

Jungkook looks startled, asking, "Huh? What is it?"

They lift their head so that they can see each other. Their faces are just centimetres away, yet they can’t close the distance. Not out here.

Seokjin lets out a deep sigh and gulps before he eventually says, "If one day I no longer make you happy, if one day your feeling changes, if one day you fall in love with someone else, promise me that I'll be the first one to know. Because I'm your best friend before your lover, and I'll always put you before me."

A bitter truth has been said.

Of course, Seokjin can't imagine loving someone who's not Jungkook. No doubt, he can't bear the fact that there'll be no one as perfect as Jungkook for him. Their connection isn't something that can be find easily even if they reincarnate in the next lives, let alone in this lifetime.

But he must if one of those scenarios happens for real to avoid that strange glitch.

Because Seokjin loves him more than love itself.

Although he’ll be hurt when it does happen, it’ll be harder for him to see Jungkook hurts. Why hurting both of them when he can reduce it to one person?

After yesterday night, when Jungkook saw his boyfriend cried for the first time, he understands what Seokjin means. He wants to hold on to the flower that they bloom together with his two hands open, palms up towards the sky, rather than to grab it tightly with one hand and fight with gravity.

In the end, he accepts that letting go is the highest degree of love, but only after enough fight to hold on. Both are needed.

So, here and now, Jungkook can reply confidently with, "And me after you. That one goes to you too, hyung, though I know it won’t happen."

You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.

Indeed, to define what love means is hard, if not impossible. There isn’t, and there’ll never be a correct definition because the idea of love itself is a noumenon.

Something that goes beyond all sense and reason.

Something that’s always there but not always here.

But to define what love means to you, and only you, should be easier. So, what is love to you? How do you want to give and receive love?

For Namjoon, it's trust and respect.
For Seokjin, it's happiness.
For Yoongi, it's to feel alive.
For Hoseok, it's healing.
For Jimin, it's effort.
For Taehyung, it's acceptance.
For Jungkook, it's Seokjin.

Tonight, the night is darker than yesterday as the moon and the stars hide behind the clouds. There are only dim lights that flicker here and there along the way—not enough to light the road entirely, but enough to serve as wayfinding.

Side by side, Seokjin and Jungkook continue to saunter towards the hazy future with smiles and peals of laughter that never leave their face.

The wind of changes accompanies their steps like a lullaby. Whether it lures them to a nightmare or a sweet dream, they don’t know yet. It doesn’t matter as long as they share it.

They keep walking, walking, and walking...

Until tomorrow and the countless days after tomorrow.
Until they pass the twilight and ditch the masks.
Until they rely on cranes and wheels.
Until there's no they.
Until there's none.

Still, the love will be immortalised in memories. The time when they're together will be treasured in forever.

Tonight, it wanders into you.

Chapter Text

It began when I attended a friend's wedding. Someone asked me, "What is love to you?" Being the overthinking person that I am, I thought a lot about it for six months and came to this conclusion.

This is my first work of fiction. I usually write essays, but I've been binge-reading AO3 this quarantine, and I feel inspired. I discovered terrific works that highlight issues that aren't traditionally covered by the mainstream. It feels like a safe space.

I think I'll use fanfic writing as a way to answers the recurring questions in my head—a meditation.

So, instead of making a 3,000 words paper on 'Love as Everyday Noumena,' I borrowed some personas and turned it into 70,000 words of slow-burn fanfiction instead. There are sprinkles of myself here and there, along with what I learned from Seokjin and Jungkook, which is much.

The moonbathing scene is what inspired this fic and my pseudonym. I gazed at the moon while listening to 'Still With You' when I got a sudden urge to write their stories.

Disclaimer. Though I do love them and I thoroughly did my research based on interviews and astrological placement 😉 to fill up the unsaid things, this fic doesn't prove anything, including the members' sexuality and relationship.

The least I want to achieve is so that we can appreciate the special relationship (that's Seokjin's words) between them. Their relationship is highly stereotyped and reduced to it, but if we look past that, they're beautiful, no matter what kind of relationship that they have.

For the rest of it, how you look at them is up to your interpretation, just like the mirror that smiles at the end of Chapter 17. As RM said in the song, love is life; love is being human. In the story, at first, the MCs don’t understand what love is and not sure if what they feel is love, but at the end that they acknowledge that love can’t even represent what they feel. The label isn’t relevant anymore.

Besides, I hope this fic can represent someone in the asexuality spectrum (the MCs are demisexual and graysexual in this story) because many people think that it means celibacy. It's not; it's just that they—including me—view sex differently, e.g., as a tool for bonding, healing, and discovering themselves instead of purely to satisfy lust. Honestly, I have no idea how to write lust.

Being LGBTQ+ in most Asian countries is frustrating. I have several gay, bi, and trans friends. They're indeed very calculated, which to me, isn't fair. Must they devise strategies to be able to breathe and love? That doesn't make sense, but that's the reality. I let it all out in this work.

At first, I don't know if anyone would read it, but writing, finishing, and publishing it has provided me with such a tremendous healing and magical experience.

At last, I hope the world could be more accepting and kinder towards us.

Thank you for reading this far. See you at the next fic!
(I have the ideas, but I can't promise when it will be finished. For the second fic I want to answer my question about death. Of course, it's still Jinkook 💜)

Have a nice life,
Qualia (she/her)

Chapter Text

New fic update:

NOUS MORTIS

Jeon Jungkook (27) is a sought-after hitman without identity and Kim Seokjin (32) is a forensic doctor who loves being with the dead more than the living. Both are sociopaths. What will happen if they're the last two people who survive (or not) the virus outbreak?

They'll have fun at the end of the world; creating utopia out of dystopia. But what if there's something much deeper behind the outbreak?

Based on a real prompt by Jin in 5th Army.Zip with less action but more reflection on being normal, existence, and death.