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Chapter Text

This is how my first love ended.

No- she thinks. It doesn’t sound the right way to start things.

  
    I was born on the 26th of March and he was born a month late but a year earlier than mine. We didn’t know it then, that one day we’re going to meet and fall in love and break apart just like all things do.
  

She doesn’t know where the end started but it might have been on the words “I want to study in Paris.” (1)

It was the last day of summer. Kathryn needed to go back to school the next day and Dj was scheduled to leave the country for a concert tour that would take at least 3 months to finish. They were seated inside his car after going to places (mostly just restaurants around Manila). He was telling her about fixing her school bag, not wearing shorts to school and eating right on time, a reminder usually done by the man, Kathryn wasn’t paying attention.

She was making circles on the side of his thumb. Dj knew it’s something she does when she’s worried. “BAAAAA!!! KISS MO KO DALIIII!!!” he said trying to catch her eye and release the tension. Her eyes were all wonderful and to him, they were familiar. Her eyes tell him a million of things without talking. (2)

Kathryn shifted before looking straight into his eyes. She began telling him everything. She told him she wanted to go to Paris and study art. She told him she talked with Mama Min and the rest of her family about this; she talked to Star Magic about the idea and she researched through it and talked to the university, she told him that she just needed to finish some things up and she’ll be good to go.

“Bakit di mo agad sinabi sa’kin?” His eyes were wide open and his forehead all crunched up to the middle, he spoke calm but his eyes tell her they were lies.

“Sinubukan ko naman eh, kaso iniiba mo lagi eh –“ (3)

  I met him on the year when he was in the brink of giving up his career and he met me when I was starting to become known. We didn’t know it then that we’ll end up being the utmost most popular love team of the generation.

  He looked like a bad boy gone all wrong and he’s a Padilla. He had the word Padilla etched at every part of his skin and I knew I shouldn’t put myself in some trouble.

Kathryn stopped momentarily from talking; Dj faced back the wheel of his car and released her hand. From her seat, she watched him – Daniel John Ford Padilla, the man who had her whole heart, was now shining like a real star and it was all she could wish he would be. She clearly remembered it all, looking at him in the driver seat, she sat back and remembered how he was the first to say hello.

They were both asked on a meeting somewhere in ABS. After Albie’s revealing issue, he unfortunately can’t be Kathryn’s leading man for the new project – this is where Dj entered the scene. He had to save the show, and the only way to do that was to be the new leading man of the sought most in demand teen star of that time after the huge success of Mara Clara Remake. So they met. Back in the buildings of ABS, they met for the very first time. Of course, he knew her. He always had and always will.

Dj said hi, a complete typical hi. He figured he had to take the courage and do the initiative, they were going to be a love team, at least make it work for months. That was the ideal plan he had set in his mind, he was one of those teenagers who just got it all messed up. Whenever he picks up his books, all he could think was this isn’t for me and he didn’t know if he had what it takes to be a celebrity, all shining shimmering and he sees her, all settled and figured out and he wanted to punch himself because how can he not be anything certain and appropriate, how? (4)

  But still trouble came my way. (5)

  And the thing was trouble decided to stay as long as he did. Not giving out notices of when he will go and come and stay, and I guess that’s what I liked the most. I knew him well, I knew him like he was me and I was him.

  I knew him. There was a lot of him.

  He was that dorky guy who liked to photo bomb on pictures. He danced giddily on some pop songs he swore were completely a disaster when no one sees him. He was that guy who liked to sing a lot, he got some of the lyrics wrong but I didn’t want to ruin it for him, he looked best when he’s out of himself. He played bass and played with his friends over hours, ruining things together like they were elementary kids excited over action figures. He rode the skateboard and drove his cars. 

  He was that guy who didn’t forget to remind you of things. He didn’t forget. He was always the one who remembers.

  He was that guy who took care of his younger siblings well; he had lifted them up, told them stories and protected them from everyone. He was that guy who would come to your house and prepare a mini candlelight dinner just because he heard you once that you would die to have it. He was that guy who cried over my debut as if it was his own.

  He was that guy who had loved me more than he loved anything else.

  He was that guy I hated because there was nothing that made me happier and sadder than him.

Kathryn continued to gaze at him. 18 minutes had passed and the car was filled with utter silence and emptiness and nothing but his scent. He smelt like burnt pancakes and strawberries in the morning that reminds her a lot of home. His arms were vines and she was so tangled and lost in him that everything right now felt like a silent war of who will break the silence. They were filled with nothing but the sound of the engine starting again and him asking “Pwede wag ka munang bumaba?” (6)

  There’s so much I’d have to say to be able to even begin to explain Dj. The thing about humans is that everybody is a collection of different sides, I think, and there’s only so many of them we’re ever allowed to meet. So no matter how much I say, there’d always be more to him I never quite got to see.

  But who was Dj to me? I’d have to begin to tell you a story of how once we were driving to Subic and someone knocked on his car window and asked him for some bread and even though he was hungry he gave out the couple of buns to them without any hesitation. Or I’d have to tell you about that time a kid lost his puppy when we were in Hong Kong and he spent all day in the pouring rain trying to find it.

  There were so many stories of him and just a little space and time to tell you every single one of them.

  We were much more than celebrities. We are humans just like everybody else and we are capable of feeling and sharing and crying over the petty things. What Dj was to me was like what first loves were to someone who had it.

Kathryn stayed on her seat. Dj took a cd out of its case and played it without saying a word. Kathryn remembered picking this one up on the record store in France, she barely even knew all of the songs in the mixtape (7) and she didn’t even realize they were all sort of sad until she listened to them after returning from the European tour, but either way she liked how they all sounded and he did too. But most importantly he liked the idea that she spent time looking for songs to give to him, that was something so endearing.

I once saw a sunset so vivid and warm that I swore it was perfect
I once had a lover, I’m not sure if I’ll recover, but I know it was worth it
Then, last night in the car, the falling raindrops looked like stars of some incalculable speed
Then later, my friends said “Good to see you again, this is a home to me”

So I wrote a song and I called it “The Love of my Life”
Said “don’t be gone long”, it now sings me to sleep every night

And I never learned a lesson looking at my own reflection, but sometimes it seems useful
So I loosen my heart strings in high hopes of starting to find something truthful

Cynicism isn’t wisdom, it’s a lazy way to say that you’ve been burned
It seems, if anything, you’d be less certain after everything you ever learned

Kathryn tried to continue “I once saw a boy, so tall and handsome that I swore he was perfect. I once had a lover, this boy continued to bring me chocolates in the middle of the night and while the rain was pouring outside, he poured me his heart. I wasn’t sure if I’ll recover but I know it was worth it so I accepted and gave my heart back to that guy.” Kathryn chuckled feeling embarrassed over her little monologue at the top of the loud mixtape playing. The car stopped and she didn’t dare look at him.

 I guess when you’re young; you just believe there’ll be many people with whom you’ll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times.

  The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end. My first love with him was something so special and so heartfelt. It didn’t take to have a lot of time to fall in love with Dj. There was just something, something about him that I could never ever identify and with that, I follow and then fall in love all over again.

  And then it felt like, years after the apocalypse, my life has never been better, I was so glad I didn’t die before I met him.

Say your name is Kathryn, and there’s this guy sitting inches away from you, and he’s crying his heart out and you know he wants you to stay. (8) Kathryn didn’t dare look at him but she could feel him all the way around her nape and her arms. His heart was a collection of all the pictures they’ve taken together and the sound she could only hear was his heavy breathing.

Say you’re inside a car with a boy and he wouldn’t tell you he loves you but he loves you. And all you wanted was to pin him down to home. All you wanted was to keep some part of him with you, but all you could do was kiss him and so you do.

  There were a lot of times when I thought it could’ve worked out just like what everyone wanted it to be. He tried to visit me and I came back home whenever it was possible. We talked, we continued to talk like we were together, like the distance never mattered. There were roughly around 7000 miles separating us, and at first it seemed easy. Just a few hundred cities, we can still work it all out.

  We were a special couple. We spent years being a love team. We had the sincerity to endure all the intrigues of love and career that challenged our strength. And we had the dependability to push a relationship to begin a long-distance relationship. We were a very special couple.

  That being out of sight puts someone out of your heart—I just thought they were words to describe regular couples, while we were a very special couple.

  We were a very special couple. But in front of time, in front of life, that specialness was becoming very average. Like anyone, we were becoming negligent and like everyone, we became buried. Eventually we became accustomed to that negligence. Like that, we became a very un-special couple. And like that, without breaking up, we had broken up.

After the kiss, he told her that he’ll be alright “Paris? Sus ang lapit lang non! Tsaka Ba, mahal naman natin ang isa’t isa so no worries tsaka babalik ka naman eh” (9) Then he drove her home.

“Malapit na tayo sa inyo.” He said.

She nodded, lips pursed. “Aalis ka na bukas diba? Let’s make these few minutes count then, right?”

She wanted to say something to him but he seemed like a kid at that moment and she didn’t want to ruin it. So she told him something different instead, she told him about how the cherry blossoms grow and about love and then she tells him something like “Je pense que je’taime” . Minutes after, they were home.

I once wrote him a letter after the first year we stopped talking- Dear So-so, I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you had your 5th concert, Dear so-so, I wish you were happy.

Dear so –so I have always been a little too in love with you and I didn’t think about it until I realize there was no time to love anymore.

“Good bye.” He finally said to her.

  This is how my first love ended. (10)

Chapter Text

Maybe the thing is that Dj will finally find someone whom he would love more than he loved himself and one day she’s going to go and leave him and be somewhere far off, some distant place working out on her dream or something she ever wanted in life, and he would be the same old cold city boy –all boring and lame, and he’ll have everyone shouting for his name, but she wouldn’t be there and he has to deal through it all. Maybe that’s the thing.

Maybe Dj shouldn’t have let her go in the first place. (1)

Waking up to that same song Kathryn introduced to him when he visited her on Paris, Dj was reminded of the whole event of the denouement, head counting on the signs where it all started to fall down (was it in that last car ride before I left for my world tour? Was it the time in the mid-autumn when he missed her phone call? Was it that wrong pastel coloured paintbrush he gave her for her birthday? Was it that? Or was it before that or after?) The song sometimes end when it ends and sometimes it just stays, like a knife stuck in his loins, like a dagger placed on his heart. Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like a song. (2)

But the day should go as it is, Dj has to wake up at 7, eat toasted pancakes, (3), take a shower, (3), dress up, (3), ride his car, (3), enter the ABS’ building, (3) go to tapings, (3), sleep, (3), and do it all over again.

Today he gets invited for an interview in a famous tv show. He needs to promote his upcoming movie, he needs to tell people things about him and his new leading lady, he has to lie in front of the cameras, this isn’t the first time it’s going to happen; he doesn’t even get nervous about it.

Today he gets invited for an interview in a famous tv show. Maybe he needs to finally say something about Kath or say something to Kath. Either of the two, he has to say something. This thing makes him nervous.

He gets greeted by the staff, proceeds with the necessary procedures; he has done this a million times, he wouldn’t go wrong and that’s what the writer tells him “Bihasang bihasa ka na dito Daniel! Di ko na ata to kailangan ipaliwanag.” Dj replies with a sly smile. He gets called for standby in a few minutes. On the next ones, he’s already on the seat and the interview begins.

Formalities, of course it starts by a cheerful greeting of a good afternoon, It won’t matter if it’s not, it’s always a good afternoon for the fans. Dj could identify the names of the faces holding up banners of his name – fan clubs that started from the very beginning of time, or at least started during Growing Up. (4) He sees all the familiar and unfamiliar faces and gives them a comforting smile or grin; he doesn’t remember what he did when he heard her name.

Kathryn

“Bago tayo pumunta sa bagong movie mo, Daniel, alam naming matagal tagal na rin nung inamin mo na break na kayo ni Kathryn. Sinabi na rin ni Mommy Min, ang mom ni Kath na hiwalay na nga daw kayo. Pero ang nanatiling tanong mula saming lahat ay bakit? Bakit nga ba kayo naghiwalay ni Kathryn? Pwede mo na ba tong sagutin ngayon?”

And there he goes thinking about the word why hanging clear in front of his face, he thinks about the word why and tries to anagram it, he hasn’t had proper schooling for a time after he fully entered showbiz, but he knows how to anagram a bit, (5) he thinks about the word why for a while, the interviewer says something about if he isn’t ready they could always skip it for next time and then he stops thinking for awhile and says something as crazy as no.

“No.”

“Anong no Daniel?”

“Wait lang sasagot ako sa question.”

He looks at the floor and to the first camera and to the fans and to the interviewer and back to the floor again. Then he talks, starts off with “Bakit kami nagbreak?” then chuckles. (6)

“Siguro sabihin na lang natin na pagkakataon.”

Yes, you’re doing it right. That seems better. Yes, that’s better somehow. He thinks.

“Pagkakataon na lang din ang nagsama saming dalawa at pagkakataon na din ang naghiwalay. Wala namang nakaalam at wala rin namang may gusto na mangyari yung mga nangyari. Siguro yun yung dapat mangyari o kailangang mangyari.”

Then he remembers the stroll in the late parks of the city of love and they were so in love and so happy to be together. They were buying Clementine ice creams and walking through the buildings of the old age European culture, Paris was a place to fall in love, and the cafes were always humming some symphonies and he loved rock and she liked pop and maybe, he didn’t give it much thought back then, but maybe that was the problem so he tells himself and everyone.

“Sobrang magkaiba kami ni Kath eh. (7) Siya mahilig sa mga matitingkad na kulay, yellow, pink ganyan, ako mahilig ako sa black. Gusto niya dati yung One Direction, ako favorite ko yung Beatles, mahilig ako manood ng cartoons, siya pinapanood niya yung mga teleserye, mga series ganun. Mahilig siya sumayaw, ako laging kumakanta. Sobrang magkaiba kami ni Kath na siguro inisip ng universe na teka hindi pwede. Opposites can’t always attract each other, niresearch ko pa yun dati. 'Even though opposites can attract initially, it's usually the similarities that pay off more, you might be attracted to somebody who's totally different from you, but in the end it's not going to work.”

He wasn’t sure of anything he was saying. Lying might be one of his biggest talents and maybe lying is the only way to represent the truth. Maybe he was just trying to speak his mind. Maybe it was all true after all. Maybe he just needed to find his way home.

“And yun, siguro we just fell out of love.”

The time after his first visit to Paris was also the last time he had a decent talk with her. It all happened like a trance and the trains passing and the ships all sinking down, he got busier and busier the next moment after sacrificing a whole two week break to go and stay away from the city, and she always had more paintings to paint, more colours to mix, more coffees to drink and suddenly there became less and lesser and least time for them to talk and meet, given the time difference and the number of miles that are setting them apart. They both thought and believed it could all work out. They believed until believing became like a belief everyone tried to be believe in even they knew belief wouldn’t last.

He remembers the song on the radio and the rain falling hard and her voice sounding through the corridors. He remembers losing shirts one by one and when he looks for them, she always had them on reassuring it will just be borrowed when he knew better. He remembers the delight in her eyes when he tells her about buying tickets to Michael Buble’s concert, 2, each for them. He remembers how the Batman shirt smelled like her perfume the time she gave it to him and that he never wanted to put in the laundry because he’ll miss her smell. He remembers her bringing over dozens of food in variety to keep him stuffed up. He doesn’t forget. He remembers.

And so the interview goes. He tries to laugh it off and lift the ambiance in the studio. He’s thrown out with different questions about the upcoming movie, he’s thrown by compliments in his acting skills, he’s thrown by the gazes and sighs and the endless matters no one will dare ask him face to face. He remembers the first time he had to go on a concert without her and when he sang a song he wanted for her to hear, all came nothing but the complete screams of the jam-packed people in the dome and all he wished for was to hold her hand.

Dear so-so, I’m so sorry I couldn’t go to your fifth concert.
Things have been hard at the university and my professors
kept making me do paintings and all I could think about was that
song you played on that car ride we had the day before you went abroad
for your concert tour and I just miss you.
Dear so – so you’re probably out on a set right now, I’ve heard you’ve
Got an upcoming show but I couldn’t quite read the rest of the article
Because I was on my friend’s party and I didn’t want to break down on a party
That’s not even mine. Dear so-so I’m so sorry
Dear so –so how are you?
Dear oh my god
The French people are always busy and the sunset from here looks so beautiful
And it reminds me of your eyes and I just-
What happened to us? Could it be possibly right Oh right
You love me don’t you?
You loved me didn’t you?

I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you I wasn’t okay when you were paired up with another girl.
I’m so sorry it hurt. I didn’t mean it to hurt. I promise.

I probably sound crazy to you right now I just got off from my friend’s house and I think I might be a little drunk.

I loved you.
I love you.
He wanted to reply at that time. (8)

One time Maggie asked him if it was a different girl and not Kath, would it hurt any less, and he told her then that no, love doesn’t work that way. He thinks about it now. Maybe it would hurt the same, but it wouldn’t last long, not as long as it is lasting now.

“Any last words Daniel? To your fans or sponsors sige go.” The interviewer says to him, nodding.

He looks straight to the floor and up to the camera, but not too particular, not too centric. He starts off by thanking his sponsors and then promotes the movie and by the end of it he says “I wish she’s happy.” (9)

Chapter Text

She’ll miss Paris, she thinks. She misses him, she thinks.(1)

Kathryn decides to stay a little late out in her friend’s house to say goodbye. Kathryn tells her something about catching up and skype and all things. It makes her nervous the way she was saying it to someone and unfair because she never got to say this to him.

Dear so-so , I’m coming back
What will you feel if you heard me coming back?
Will you be waiting at the airport to pick me up
Or wait at the front steps of my house
If you knew
Dear so- so, if you had known
will you be there at all?

She wrote him this but she knew it will never ever reach him. She wrote him a poem one time, the first time she learned the German word for love. She wrote him letters and there were times when she sent them in anonymous; sometimes she just hid them under her pillow. Most of the time she’s done this, she doesn’t even get to finish.

What Kathryn knows is that she’s coming back to the Philippines maybe for good, and the world’s too small for them not to meet so she has to be ready.

Dj thinks he misses her but erases the thought from his mind. (2)

Dj decides to stay up a little late playing basketball on a tv screen all alone. Dj tells her mom something about a trip somewhere in Macau his mom and his siblings should go without him – something about him staying in a condo to make it feel less lonesome. That she didn’t have to worry; that he is a big guy after all.

He loses his game the third time straight since he started an hour ago. Something’s ringing on his chest, and he isn’t sure what it is until he sees an ad on his screen and the little imitation of the Eiffel Tower.

Dj’s eyes were shifting from the top to bottom as he stared at the “thing” Kathryn wanted her to see.

It was an afternoon stroll on his first day in Paris and Kathryn wanted it to be the last stop for that time. Her eyes glowed as she talked about it and the clothes they had to wear that Dj didn’t take notice of what or where the place she was talking about was. He was so emerged in the constant happiness he was feeling to be beside her and only with her.

He was probably 9 when his dad visited him after a long while he was on the hospital; he got himself a little fracture from playing Dodge Ball with his friends. His heart, on that moment, was pounding from so much joy on just seeing his father’s face. The visit didn’t even last for a day and his leg was still badly injured but he was happy. Her mom used to read them poems right before they sleep, he remembered one that went –you're so red in the eyes / either too low or too high /when i met you you /were sick but you did not know why /i was a pretty poor cure /but my love for you was always sure / the bucket was broken /but the water was pure.

This was something he learned when he was still too young to figure out its meaning.

The moment he looked at Kathryn and felt his heart at content, he knew what it had meant.

“Deej pa-picture tayo dali!” She clung onto him, half-dragged him in front of the famous Eiffel Tower, and he obliged with full desire for her touch.

“Remember I told you on your 19th birthday that we’d go here and be partners forever?” She giggled so much those days. The guy snapped the picture.

Dj opens his wallet and from there it shows; sometimes he forgets it’s even there, sometimes is a period of time, but sometimes aren’t always. Sometimes doesn’t hurt like the way he is hurting now.

The plane ride is long, Kathyrn doesn’t know what to do. (3)

Kathryn settles off in her seat her mom took for her – some first class seating for comfort for 14 hour travel. She appreciates the effort but she wishes she wasn’t alone; there’s a box of macaroons and some movies to watch, but instead she stares off at her window and ponders were there so much cities and buildings that’s why it didn’t work out; she doesn’t remember ever being so poetic but she knew, her heart never left its home.

Dj was up early in the morning no matter how late he stayed up last night. He was trying to win, it wasn’t that important, but winning made him feel better somehow, not that he wasn’t good. He was sort of unsure, lost maybe. He wasn’t sure.

No one was downstairs and he finally decided to enter the storage room for the first time again.

First thing he sees is the clutter on the floor, he puts up a reminder in his head to fix it when he has time. Then there are boxes, some filled with kitchenware they hadn’t used for years, some clothes that have never seen the light of the day, unused curtains and towels and some old furniture. He sees his sisters’ old toys and old strings from his old guitar and some gifts his fans gave him from a long time ago. He leaves before he sees the box filled with everything about her.

This makes the latter hurt more; he doesn’t know this but it will hurt more.

Dj feels like he missed something from the storage room. (4)

“Oh anak, sure ka bang di ka sasama?” Mama Karla asks before they board to the plane.

Daniel gives a reassuring nod and says good bye to them. He stays a little longer after they leave; listening to the busy stacks of cashier opening and closing and people greeting people and the coming home. It didn’t matter if it is night or day, it is coming home all the same and he thinks it’s beautiful.

He stands up and breathes out. The night is young and the lights from the roof of the airports are blinding, the sound of the roaring engines hits up in his ear and he tells himself he’s ready to go. The night is young and there are no stars in the sky, the rain is dripping soft like music and he doesn’t know if he’ll put it as comforting or depressing. The night is young and beautiful and he sees someone he knows or knew, he doesn’t know where to put it too.

The night is young and the world turns silent when she looks at him and smiles; he thinks she’s beautiful as she had ever been.

They meet again. (5)

“Daniel” her tongue rolls out. Only that it sounds so different and less like her. It sounds like breaking, and she is trying hard not to cry and it is sort of like a whisper, all shushed and painful.

“You’re back.” He managed to say. 2 minutes and 43 seconds counting and he looks away. But now, in retrospect, it's possible that those 2 minutes and 43 seconds were among the most significant time periods of their life.

He decides he couldn’t look her in the eye. Not again.

“Do you need a ride?” he asks.

It’s 7: 15 and the night is young and the rain is dripping in the window shield when he decides to turn on the radio. She sees the case of the mixtape she made for him years ago and she wants to ask him if he still loved it but thinks better; a sad song comes in and they both try not to say anything stupid.

*Say you’re inside a car and the person you love is sitting inches away from you and she’s not talking but you could hear her breathing slow and quiet.

Say you’re inside a car and the person you love is sitting inches near from you and you want to know if she loves you too and maybe she does but she wouldn’t tell you she loves you and all you wanted is to pin her down to home but all you can do is breathe the same air as hers and your heart aches at the thought so you say something crazy as do-you-think-we-can-go-and-have-some-coffee.

Coffees keep you warm, they say. (6)

“I wish she’s happy.”

The interview ended in a commercial and a small talk with the host. “Hay nako, mahal mo pa rin ano?” she told him. He smiled as an answer.

But it wasn’t that smile you see on billboards and stores in the mall or people biting delicious chicken. It was a smile that says a million things in mute over and over. No one asked him anything anymore and he sort of wished they did.

“How have you been?” she asks when he gets back.

“I’ve been good, tired mostly, but good. You?”

“I finished my course but I stayed to study more about art. Most of the time I paint and eat. It’s good I guess.”

And all things are good but broken, you don’t say.

Dj attended a fanmeet event with the new leading lady after the interview. A few singing and handshakes and throwing off posters and some encouragements from the event handler, there were loud cheers and he resorted to the fact that maybe, maybe the thing was that he would find someone whom he would love more than he loved himself and one day she’s going to go and leave him and be somewhere far off, some distant place working out on her dream or something she ever wanted in life, and he would be the same old cold city boy –all boring and lame, and he’ll have everyone shouting for his name, but she wouldn’t be there and he had to deal through it all. Maybe that’s the thing.

He came home to the sound of his youngest sister calling out his name; he hugged her and after awhile went upstairs and buried himself to sleep.

That night he dreamt of her and he wished he could forget everything about it but he remembers.

She finally came home and she was preparing hot pancakes but burns it a little to the top but they resort to eating it still. He drank soda and she, milk and they listened to sound of the rain and the little song he didn’t remember how it was called. They were under covers and skin touching and he counted her eyelashes from the shadow under her eyes. She was softly talking and telling him she loves him over and over again and he didn’t want it to stop.

He began kissing her lower lips and the rest goes on. She tasted like sweet milk and she’s beautiful like she had ever been.

He woke up not knowing what to do with his life.

“Did you seriously wish I was happy?” she asks him.

He leaves and comes back with 3 bottles of soju and beer in his hands. They drink for the rest of the night.

“This is how my first love ended. “

“Kathryn, where is he now?” Kathryn fixed her skirt and smiled at the kid she told her love story with. The kid was 8 and she lived next door, her mom was out and she was left with Kathryn, her neighbor for the rest of the weekend.

“Home.” She gave the kid an answer and a cookie.

“but Mom said home is where your heart is. Is he here?”

Kathryn couldn’t give any reply.

Dj finishes his 5th bottle and Kathryn her second but she’s no longer sober. She is getting tipsy and hiccupping and he is still fine; or at least better than her. The night is coming into a halt and the rain stopped a little an hour ago and he wouldn’t ask her anything other than if she wanted more alcohol to drink.

“Kamusta ka na? Hindi yung kung anong ginagawa mo. Kamusta ka na? “ she said, breaking word by word with her hiccups.

“Kung sabihin kung okay lang ako, maniniwala ka ba?”

He told himself he wouldn’t look her in the eye but damn, man he just did.

“We should’ve said it wasn’t okay when it wasn’t. You should’ve told me you weren’t okay when I missed calling you in our anniversary or that I didn’t come home that Christmas when your friend died and you needed someone to hold. We should’ve said we weren’t okay and then maybe….” She cuts herself in the middle.

“We could have had it all.” He finishes.

He picks her up and moves her inside the car. Dj drinks a cup of coffee before driving, but he doesn’t know where to start.

He kisses her before she leaves again.

She tells him “It’s okay.”

He tells her “It’s okay.”

What they meant was completely different but they haven’t quite found the right words yet.

Kathryn wakes up in a bed and Dj is holding her right hand.

Chapter Text

The story begins shortly after a few minutes when she wakes up, it doesn’t take a full ten minute blinking for her to be fully awake and realize that her hand is sort of (if not the case) tangled into another man’s hand, knowingly the man is a famous celebrity and her famous ex-boyfriend (also first love, she didn’t allow herself to think about that) no other than a guy named Daniel Padilla.

Although the story really doesn’t begin with that but with the words “Did you seriously wish I was happy?” Only that was too far off to start with, so maybe we should begin between the night and how the car ride took not more than 25 minutes and his leg was shaking all the time and he was thankful to hit the gas pedal and the brake fine when there’s a lady, a drunk one, sitting in the passenger moaning (not to tell that she was seriously hot and his famous ex-girlfriend who admittedly he is never over with). That should be the start.

The moaning could have killed him. Or both of them. (He has to remind himself they’re both inside the car.)

And the thing was she could have killed him back in the coffee shop or this time with the loud moans he isn’t sure she’s aware of making and he would love her still. She could come inside his house, all plans laid out well and murder him or bury him alive or drown him in the bathtub and he would still love her. This is what he realized in those twenty five minutes and some time back when he kissed her and she told him it’s okay.

Once a poem goes like this

4 in the morning and the sun’s up
Paris was not my dream but I’m here with you
Sun kissed toes and sky lines
Under covers, warm breathes and lazy eyes
All up and sober you tell me you love me
I tell you more

5 in the morning, dark in my room
Paris was long gone over and I’m not there with you
Dead flies and unopened fast food orders
Times stuck still I’m so tired
You forgot to call me
I don’t tell you I love you anymore

11 in the evening, all cramped inside my car
You’re home and I’m not sure if it’s with me
Drunk and sentimental
Craze and kamikaze
You still don’t call me
But I love you still

He isn’t sure if it was a poem but he thinks it is.

The way up to the room was messy and clumsy and he got his arm around her for the first time in years. The password code was 4 numbers of her birthday.

He could tell you much more about the rest of the night only that it wasn’t anything other than rolling back in forth in the couch, trying to shut his eyes and system off, nothing exciting. Also about the fact that when he woke up hours after he was sure he was holding her hand before he dozed off but there was nothing and no one beside him the moment he opened his eyes. Nothing exciting.

-

The thing for Kathryn is that it is more confusing, and more of wrong than right and much more than what she shouldn’t be doing, so she moves her hand (too easy but felt too hard on her spine) and silently creeps out of the bed, fixes her hair and leaves the room and the sleeping boy within ten minutes.

(Counting minutes weren’t their thing but it always feels like there’s a need for them to count things while it lasts.)

The night after leaving, she calls Dj and asks for a favor although it was more than that.

“Hello” she begins the phone call, making sure not to sound too excited. She got the number from Julia, telling her she has to clear some things. Julia thinks otherwise.

“Kath” it takes a few rings before he picks up, making sure it wasn’t a dumb prank call. It wasn’t, but he isn’t quite sure if he should be relieved.

“Uhm, hello. Nasa kotse mo pa kasi yung mga suitcases ko, ipapakuha ko na lang dyan.”

“Ahh ok.” He says.

“Can I ask for a favor?”

The phone call lasted for 7 minutes but it kept him awake for the rest of the night. It wasn’t the entire phone call though, but how she sounded or the favor she asked or both.

The favor was a simple single sentenced line that goes by the words help and forget combined together. The following was a given instruction of come and places and we used to. The rest was until and I’m okay. Dj didn’t ask a question and Kathryn said please and it was over like that.

“Help me forget you.” It’s the last thought before he falls asleep.

-

The first call comes in a day and the directions given are easier to read than to listen to.

The first place is something he remembers, but not as quite to why she would’ve chosen it as the first. He sees her there. Easier than looking for the local store you would always come to for a drink; it doesn’t surprise him how easy it is to spot her.

The sun is shining bright deep into his skin but not being able to touch her pains him more.

-

The idea is sick and dumb and utterly stupid. She knows this and doesn’t pretend it isn’t, but she thinks there’s no other way than that.
Help me forget you. Come to the places I ask you to go, come to the places we used to go to, come but don’t come near me, come and pretend you don’t know me, you’ve never met me and leave when I tell you to leave. Do this until I’m okay, until it’s okay for me to go back there and not be reminded of you. Please.

The first place is Boracay.

The sun is shining bright into her skin, just like how it was a few years back. Stepping back to the shade of the coconut tree, she recalls how it was to like someone sincerely for the first time. She didn’t tell him this and a part of her wants him to ask why they were there. But wanting was hopeless; he didn’t even tell her why he was holding her hand. Everything is completely wrong.

She texts him to leave. He tells her ‘okay’.

=

The second place was a church in Albay, They didn’t want to talk about it or the promises they’ve made or anything about marriage and kisses stolen behind a perfectly coned volcano. It might erupt, Dj told the little kid who didn’t have a clue who he was.

It might pour out hot lava and big chunks of stones and kill her and then everyone except him, just for hell of it because he’s got a role as a superhero for his next project, flying and fly, he’s got to survive. It might cause catastrophes, he thinks. He didn’t like catastrophes. No one ever did.

(Then what he thought after is that she’s a big catastrophe and they’re in a bigger catastrophe and he liked it. He’s a liar, after all.)

-

The third was somewhere in Subic where they used to do adventures together. She chokes, she was never an adventurer, so she guesses that maybe the books were right – You become something you’re not when you’re in love. Love makes you do crazy things. He changed her in so much ways she doesn’t remember who she was before she met him.

And maybe that’s thing. She had met the love of her life years ago and she’ll lose him by the bright city lights and when she tries to pick the pieces up, she could never get him or herself anymore. Maybe that’s the thing.

=

The fourth and the fifth came shortly after the Subic.

It isn’t working out. She knows.

He does too.

Things just hurt more than they’ve ever hurt before.

Two weeks after the declaration of the favor, she calls him and gives him an address. The address leads to where she stays at the moment. “This is the last” she tells him, “I promise.”

-

“5 meters.” She tells him when he arrives. “Keep a 5 meter distance between us. Don’t talk until I’m finished. Understand?”

He nods, but Dj barely understands what the hell is going on. He just finished shooting, he hasn’t gotten sleep for 3 days straight, why is he even inside a house that isn’t his, why is he even inside a house that’s owned by his ex-girlfriend, why is he even inside that same damn house with the ex-girlfriend around. He’s going nuts thinking about everything.

Kathryn looks at the boxes and smiles a little or frowns, Dj can’t decipher which is which. . (He just wanted to sleep, and maybe kiss her, that’s all.)

“These boxes include all the things that remind me of you or were from you or you basically you.” Kath’s rambling, she knows but there’s no other way to tell these things without either rambling or crying. She decides what’s best.

“I guess the only thing we both need now is a closure. To finally move on and stuff, you know what I mean.”

He doesn’t really. Her voice sounds so broken and much like how he sounded when he asked her not to get off his car the day before he left for the concert tour.

Kathryn baffles out few more words. She tells him about what happened to her back in Paris, tells her about why she chose Boracay as a first but then stops half of it and changes to a battle she could handle.

“You were the greatest love of my life. It’s funny how I tell you this when I’ve never been in a long serious relationship other than what we had.”

Dj thinks it’s funny too but he doesn’t have any energy left to laugh.

“It makes me scared how much I could never see myself as happy as I was before. It’s really stupid because people shouldn’t be broken like this.” Kath pauses, gulps. She doesn’t know how she could say this but she’s saying it now.

What Dj can’t stand is that she’s been crying for more than ten minutes and she acts like she doesn’t know that she is.

He takes steps towards her.

“5 meters.”

He’s sure Kathryn also doesn’t know how far or near 5 meters are but he doesn’t really care.

He steps closer.

“5 METERS!” She’s shouting now, sobbing sounds coming out from her mouth, her back turned away from him. Dj tells her something. Dj tells her “Fuck the rules.” Dj pulls her and hugs her from behind

“Fuck the rules, let’s stop this. Fuck closure. Fuck everything.”

There was a time he’s said things when he didn’t mean them at all. This time wasn’t a part of this. He meant it. He meant that he wanted to stop things. For the first time, he’s figured that maybe you can’t fix people, but you can always try. That’s what he’s gonna do, he decided, he’ll try fixing everything up, for the good, for the better.

Dj hugs Kathryn tighter and kisses the top of her head.

Maybe her story about first love doesn’t have an end yet

Chapter Text

“It’s okay.”

His lips find hers as he holds her steady. It’s just a split second, a second that pulls out a tooth from a body, a second that pulls a string that tells another story. Kathryn thought she had forgotten this.

“It’s okay.” She hears him say and it makes her whole body tremble.

Daniel is sitting on the driver’s seat, a minute after he had carried Kathryn inside. He took a whole minute to look at her, afraid that this will be the last time he’d get a chance to see her this close, this close without her barking in a question. (But maybe he’s more afraid that she won’t bark in a question. He’s a liar after all.)

Still cheeky bones
Still pink lips
Still the same damn pretty hands

“Did…” she begins talking, a little hesitant to continue because she thinks she had forgotten this. She wishes she had forgotten this.

He remembers though. He’s the guy who always remembers. He had always remembered.

“you seriously… “ Kathryn continues, breaking in sobs. “wish I was… happy…”

He won’t lie this time.

He didn’t.

-

It has been a week full of nothing but tapings – changing locations, memorizing scripts, getting powdered up. Being away for a week to lament the loss of a good friend was not a bad choice. Daniel had wanted it, he’d wanted to have a proper goodbye, and his friend at least deserved that. But being away for a week meant sacrifice. His first episode for Maalaala Mo Kaya is expected by thousands and it’s due for the weekend, he had to work hard, even double.

He comes home late (or maybe it’s early, Daniel has lost track of time). His mom is on the phone with someone so maybe it’s not too early or too late. He surrenders himself on the couch, not enough energy to get to his room when his mom tells him something. He doesn’t hear it.

“Daniel, anak…” Mama Karla says, shaking him awake. He thinks he says something.

“May mga proposals akong natanggap. Tignan mo kung kukunin natin.” She tells him, her hand at the back of his neck, massaging it. Daniel could live with that but her mother won’t stop asking so he answers “Ikaw na bahala Ma.” and falls asleep.

One of the projects was a movie with Kath.

His mom said he’d do it.

-

A week after, he’s face to face with Direk Cathy, the rest of the production team and Kathryn on Skype for what is written on his schedule – a story con. There’s a shock on his face that he tries to cover up with a nervous smile. He just got off another meeting, something about his fifth concert and he sure isn’t ready for another one, also to say another movie with Kath as lead role. He doesn’t even remember when was the last time they talked. (But he remembers, Daniel remembers the sound of the trains in Paris and the look in her eyes that meant she’s happy to be there. He remembers.)

“So let’s start.” Direk Cathy says.

Daniel couldn’t move his eyes away from the laptop screen that holds Kathryn.

“Exciting ito! I feel honored to direct itong first movie niyo after ilang years na nga ba.”

“2 and a half.” Kathryn says, interrupting.

“Right.’ Direk Cathy continues. “Since miss na miss na kayo ng mga tao, dapat bongga to. Actually yung story sinulat ng isang fan niyo from 2012….”

After 2 hours, they finish. Kathryn bids goodbye from the skype call and tells everyone she has to look over the art she needs to finish for a subject. Daniel excuses himself afterwards, pretends he has to run for another meeting, anything to get away from the place that contains him and Kathryn on movie posters, him and Kathryn on people’s mouths like they know everything that’s happened and happening between them, him and Kathryn on his mind.

Daniel runs away from it but he can’t run enough, the filming starts in two weeks.

-

What happened behind the scenes will leave people broken if people figured it out.

Kathryn arrived exactly a day before the actual shooting begins. No time to waste, she had said from someone that’s not Dj. Daniel heard she only got time off, exactly 3 weeks and a couple of days, and she’s doing it as a sacrifice. For the fans. And for Dj when the cameras are on and a reporter asks her.

“Wow. 3 weeks lang, parang indie movie. Kaya nyo ba?” the reporter asks once, Kath and Dj taking a break from the taping.

“Kakayanin.” Kath says, pleasingly, smiling happily. A smile that could fool everyone else (even Dj if he allows himself, and he wouldn’t deny he didn’t. He would lie to himself for a century just to see that smile.)

Yung indie artists kinakaya kaya kami din, kakayanin.” Kathryn continues, taking a small glance at Dj like before, but they don’t quite meet in the eyes, they don’t quite meet in everything now so Dj doesn’t question it. He just nods, simply, letting Kath lead this way.

“Inannouce na yung 5th concert ni Daniel, pupunta ka ba?” the reporter asks this time and Kathryn simply says “Yes. Of course.” If Daniel is liar, Kathryn is a better one.

There’s so much that people doesn’t know. Daniel likes to call it a game of hide and seek without talking.

They share the same tents just because people might question it if they don’t. The pictures from their past projects are all around the internet and now that everyone still thinks they’re together, it would be an awful issue if they have different tents. They smile at each other and hold hands on purpose so that the fans won’t doubt anything. Dj throws the same thing Dj from two and a half year ago would do and Kathryn does what Kathryn from two and half year ago would do. Simple. Complicated.

The most effective way to get through that was to talk but that’s what they have been avoiding for the whole time they’re together. The longest conversation they’ve had was about what to do with the couple gifts their fans have sent for them. That was just for 3 minutes.

Just like how any game it is, it becomes fun. Fun when they could feel each other’s hands on each other’s back. When the smiles get too big, it feels almost natural. When the cameras are on and Dj has to say something cheesy it would make Kathryn blush. When they accidentally called each other “Ba” again.

But just like any other game, it becomes tiring. A tiring game of who would do the talking first. Of who would say I love you still. Of who would let the lies be split up into something like the truth. The truth that both of us didn’t want this to happen. The truth that she came back, agreed to this movie, because of Daniel and not the fans. The truth That they wanted to be together still, that it’s not the end for them, not yet, not ever.

It almost happened once. Maybe a part that Kathryn had always wanted to forget.

A minute after the scene where a statement of “Minahal mo ba ko? Kahit minsan, minahal mo ba ako?”, a moment before Kathryn pulls him into kiss, a gentle one, slow and emotional, something that breaks Daniel’s heart every time, Kathryn whispers something. It’s not part of the script; it’s not loud enough for anyone but Dj to hear. It’s a ‘Don’t ruin it.’ And nothing more but her lips on his lips. Him wanting it more and her pulling away, not obvious enough for everyone to notice but enough for him to.

Once they finish shooting, Kathryn called sick, a headache, a stomachache, something, anything, Dj doesn’t remember this part. He would’ve asked the next day but that was the last day of shooting and Kathryn flew back to Paris as soon as she did. Didn’t have enough time to do the promotions. Didn’t have enough time to say goodbye to everyone. Didn’t have enough time to do anything.

Daniel pulled it off, held fan events with the other casts, went to interviews, and went to variety shows. He pulled it off. What a great young man.

The movies hit the cinema and in no time, it became a blockbuster. It became the talk of town. It became one of the best movies Direk Cathy ever directed. It became the best acting they’ve ever done.

3 months after, Mama Min announced the break up.

-

The movie was about Raina, a rebel, who does everything by impulse meeting a nerd, Moon to whom she confuses love with. It’s like all how movies go, about changing people, about how love does magic or anything of the same kind. It’s a movie about falling in love with the person or the feelings that person gives you. It isn’t supposed to be tragic but it made Daniel ask “Do you think she ever loved me?”

Kathryn didn’t go to his fifth concert.

Kathryn didn’t come back to her home.

He didn’t wish her happy.

But that didn’t make him happy either.

-

Kathryn is sitting on the passenger seat and Daniel is looking at her.

“I’m sorry I pulled away…” Kathryn says, smiling, drunk but smiling and he thinks he couldn’t love her any less.

“I’m sorry I let you.” Daniel says. Daniel says because in the morning she’d forget it. In the morning she’d forget it and he won’t.

I'm sorry it hurt. I didn't mean it to hurt.

That story is this one.