Archive of Our Own ^beta

Virgil laid on his bed staging at the ceiling, music blaring in his headphones. His? Hers? He let out a groan and rolled over, smashing his face into the pillow. This was the whole reason he was trying to block the world out. He? They? Didn’t wanna think about this. He had been raised his whole life to be a boy, a man, so why was he just now questioning it? He had to admit, at least to himself, that he and masuline language had never really felt right. Never really clicked with him, but that’s how he was raised and he had never really questioned it until now.

He rolled back over onto his back and grabbed his phone. He googled different genders and pronouns. There were so many and he didn’t even know where to start. He started scrolling through a list of different genders. There was cis, trans, nonbinary, genderfluid all the things he knew. He then got to ones he had heard about, but never looked into, agender, demigender, bigender, genderqueer. There were so many, how was he ever gonna figure this out? He knew he wasn’t cis or trans. He knew he/him didn’t click, but neither did she/her. He let out a sigh and kept reading. Agender clicked, but it didn’t at the same time? Nonbinary also seemed to click, but agender was under the nonbinary umbrella so were they the same or just really similar? They kept reading and found them to be similar but not the same.

Maybe figure out pronouns would help with the gender thing? They looked up different pronouns and there were so many of those too! This was impossible, why were they even trying to do this? They took a breath and scrolled through the list they found. He, she, they, zie, hie, fae, per, xe, it. They also read that people could go by multiple pronouns. They took another breath and decided to talk to someone about this. Maybe they could help? They texted Janus and Logan and asked them if they could come to their room. They got affirmatives and then five minutes later they were all settled on their bed. Janus grabbed one hand and Logan grabbed the other. Virgil looked up and saw nothing but love and acceptance in their eyes. They took a breath.

“I’m not a boy”

That was the easiest to start with because that was the only thing they knew for sure. The rest of it was the hard part and what they were trying to figure out. They looked at both of their boyfriends and got smiles.

“Ok, I’m assuming he/him are not the right pronouns then?” Logan asked.

Virgil gave a small smile.

Janus squeezed their hand and Virgil looked over at him.

“Then what pronouns do you want us to use, love?”

Virgil looked down at the cover on their bed.

“That’s the problem. I don’t know. Like I know I’m not a boy. I know he/him and she/her aren’t right. I just don’t know what is right”

They both squeezed their hands then and they looked up.

“Virgil, that is one hundred percent ok. It’s ok to not know. It’s ok to question it and try out different pronouns until you find the ones that are right” Logan said.

Virgil looked at Janus and got a nod and a smile. They gave them a smile then. They took a breath and then grabbed their phone again, looking at the list of pronouns. They was nice, but it didn’t feel right. Fae felt a little right but not enough.

“Hey, Jan, Lo?”

They both hummed in response.

“Would you use zie/zir/zem for me? Like I wanna see if it feels right when someone uses it for me”

Janus looked to Logan with clear confusion on his face. Virgil chuckled a little and looked to Logan who had his phone in his hand. Janus moved closer to Logan and looked over his shoulder. Logan was mumbling to himself as he read whatever he was looking at and then handed his phone to Janus, who studied the page.

“This is Virgil, zie is my partner and I love zem very much”

Virgil smiled. Janus handed Logan his phone back.

“I will also take one out of Patton’s book and physically fight anyone who doesn’t respect zir pronouns” Janus said as he gave Virgil a smile.

Virgil’s smile grew and zie hugged them both. They hugged zir back and they stayed like that for a minute.

“Are you ready to tell the others?”

Virgil thought about it for a minute. Zie knew they would all be accepting, but being the embodiment of anxiety, well. Zie brought his thumbnail up to his mouth and started chewing on it. They needed to know, zie was going to have to tell them at some point. Zie then looked at Janus and Logan and nodded. They each grabbed one of zirs hands and they went to the living room. Remus and Roman were discussing an idea for a video, Patton was coloring something. They all looked up when the three of them walked in.

“What’s up?” Roman asked.

Virgil took a breath, zie noticed it wasn't deep. It was actually shallow and it felt like zirs chest was getting tighter. Oh shit. Zie felt both hands start tapping the rhythm for the breathing exercise on zirs wrist. Zir followed the rhythm and then looked up. When had zie looked down? Zie took another deep breath.

“I um. I…”

Why was this so hard? Zie looked desperately to Logan then Janus. They both squeezed zirs hands. They moved in front of zir so that they were the only ones who could see zir.

“Do you want us to tell them?”

Zie thought about it. Then nodded. They gave zir a smile and then squeezed zirs hands again before moving back to zirs sides.

“Virgil has discovered that he/him pronouns do not fit” Logan said.

Virgil looked to the floor.

“Instead, Virgil would like us to try out some pronouns starting with zie/zir/zem until zie figures out which pronouns fit”

Virgil glanced up and saw nothing but love and acceptance and smiles on the other three faces that were looking at zir. Patton ran over and hugged zir. Roman and Remus joined a minute later.

“I’m so proud of you, kiddo!”

Virgil gave him a confused look.

“It was very brave to tell us that. I’m proud of you for being so brave”

Virgil gave him a small smile.

Hey everyone?

They all popped up in Thomas’ living room at the call. They all looked at Thomas expectantly.

“I was just gonna see if you all wanted to just have a chill hang out day?”

They all nodded and Roman and Remus summoned a pillow fort. They all got in the fort and started talking and doing their own thing. Virgil realized that Thomas needed to know about the pronouns. Zie brought zirs thumbnail up to zirs mouth and started chewing on it. Logan gave him a questioning look and then it clicked.

“I could tell him if you would like?” Logan whispered to Virgil.

Virgil nodded. Logan squeezed zirs hand and then turned to Thomas. Virgil put zirs hood on and hid zirs face in it. Zie felt another squeeze to zirs hand but didn’t look to see who it was.

“Thomas, I have some information that you need to know about one of us”

“Oh?”

“Virgil has discovered that he/him pronouns do not fit. As such, we are trying out pronouns, starting with zie/zir/zem, to figure out which ones do fit”

Virgil peeked out of zirs hood and saw a smile on Thomas’ face. Thomas moved over to Virgil and hugged zir. Virgil hesitantly returned it. When Thomas sat back, Virgil saw nothing but love and acceptance in his eyes.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t accept you?”

Virgil shook zir head. Zie knew Thomas would accept zir it’s just, well again, being the embodiment of anxiety.

“Ok, good. I will accept you no matter what pronouns or gender identity you identify as. That goes for everyone” Thomas looked around then looked at Virgil again.

“I just need time to learn how to use those because I’m not familiar with them. Also, if anything changes just keep me updated ok? Nothing is too much or too weird, understand?”

Virgil nodded and gave him a small smile. Thomas sat next to zir and asked questions, just trying to learn. Virgil’s smile grew as he explained how to use them and what zie was feeling. Thomas was nodding and giving encouragement the entire time.
----------------------
It was a few days later that Virgil began to think that maybe these weren’t the right pronouns. They felt right, but zie began to think that maybe something else might feel better? Zie groaned and smashed zirs face into a pillow.

“Well that doesn’t sound good” Janus said from the doorway.

Virgil jumped and turned to see him standing there. He gave Virgil an apologetic smile.

“Didn’t mean to scare you, love”

“It’s not hard. It’s fine”

“You know what is hard?” Remus asked as he popped up next to Janus.

“If the answer is you, please leave. Or if it’s Patton. Because either way I didn’t need to know”

Remus gave a wicked smile and walked away. Janus came and laid next to Virgil on zirs bed. Virgil laid zirs head on Janus’ chest and let out a sigh. Zie felt a hand run through zirs hair

“What’s the matter, my bat?”

Virgil looked up at the name. Janus blushed.

“Not my best. Ignore it. What’s wrong?”

Virgil let out another sigh, laying zir head back down.

“The pronouns”

“Are they not the right ones?”

“No, they are…”

“But?” Janus prompted when Virgil didn’t continue.

“I think something else might be right too? If that makes sense?”

“It does. May I ask what other pronouns you would like us to use?”

Virgil hid zirs face in Janus’ chest. The ones zie was thinking of were too weird and they wouldn’t do it. Nobody goes by those pronouns, they’re just out there right? Zie took a breath. No if they were out there then people did use them and it would be ok. Zie felt the hand begin running through zirs hair again and took another breath.

“Can we get Logan in here?”

Janus nodded before texting Logan. A minute later Logan walked in and laid on Virgil’s other side. Logan ran a hand up and down zirs back. Zie relaxed a little more.

“So, Logan, to fill you in, Virgil thinks that there may be another set of pronouns that would also fit zir”

Logan nodded and looked at Virgil. Zie took another breath and closed zir eyes.

“I think it/its would fit too”

Zie his zir face in Janus’ chest and squeezed zirs eyes closed. There was no way they would accept that. The pronouns were too weird. Janus lifted its head up and gave it a smile.

“Would you like us to try them?”

Zie blushed and nodded its head.

“This is Virgil it is my partner and I love zir very much”

“And, once again, I will physically fight whoever doesn’t respect its pronouns”

It smiled at them and hugged them both. They returned the hug, staying like that for a minute. When zie pulled away, it already knew the question coming up. Zie nodded to itself and got up walking to the door. Logan and Janus followed zir into the living room, grabbing its hands once they got there.

The other three looked up, already smiling since they had a guess as to what was happening. They looked to Virgil with nothing but love, acceptance, and encouragement. It took a breath and then looked to the floor.

“I have found that while zie/zir/zem does fit, there is another pronoun set that also fits”

It looked up and saw the nods of encouragement. Zie took another breath.

“I would also appreciate if you would try out it/its for me as well?”

They all smiled at it and then hugged zir. Virgil tentatively returned the hug, seeing nothing but love when zie pulled away.

“Of course. If that’s what you want and what you think will make you happy, then of course will accept it and try it for you” Patton said as he returned to the couch. Roman and Remus went back to their spots on the floor, respectively sketchbooks being picked back up.

Virgil looked to Logan and Janus and nodded. It needed to tell Thomas, zie had promised to keep him updated. They sank out and popped up in Thomas’ living room. Thomas jumped at the suddenness of their arrival but smiled at them when he registered it was them.

“What’s up?”

Virgil opened zirs mouth to tell him. It had done so well with the other three. Then its breathing picked up and zirs chest felt tight. It could hear its heartbeat in its ears. Zie felt the familiar rhythm be tapped on its wrists and took a minute to even its breathing back out. Virgil opened its mouth again but nothing came out. Logan and Janus moved in front of him so that Thomas couldn’t see zir.

“I-I can’t”

“Would you like us to?” Logan asked.

“You did very well with the others, I’m proud of you. If you need us to tell Thomas then let us know” Janus told zir.

Virgil nodded and they moved back to its sides. Virgil looked down to the floor again and felt Logan and Janus squeeze zirs hands.

“So, Virgil would like us to try another pronoun set along with the one we are already using for zir” Logan said.

Virgil looked up and saw Thomas nodding.

“Zie would also like us to use it/its for it”

Thomas nodded again, holding his arms open in invitation. Virgil saw the smile and the acceptance, then walked forward and accepted the hug. They hugged for a few minutes and then Thomas pulled away.

“Like I said, I’m going to accept you no matter what. I love you, Virge. I love all of you. Including you and Remus, Janus” Thomas said as he glanced at Janus.

Virgil turned to see a shocked look on Janus’ face. Thomas walked up and hugged Janus and he returned it. Virgil saw the biggest smile he had ever seen on Janus’ face and let a small smile grace its face. Zie really did love its famILY.

“Hey, Thomas?”

Thomas turned back to Virgil.

“Can you do me a favor and call everyone else?”

Thomas nodded and called for the others. They all looked confused. Virgil had actually figured out its gender while figuring out zirs pronouns. Zie was read for everyone to know.

“Ok, so we all know the pronoun thing”

Everyone nodded.

“I actually figured out my gender as well while figuring out the pronouns. I figured it out like two days ago and I think it’s time I told you”

Virgil took a breath and then looked up with a small smile.

“I’m agender”

They all smiled at it and then zie was engulfed in a massive group hug. They stayed like that for a few minutes and then Roman and Remus summoned the pillow fort again. They all relaxed in the fort. Thomas gave Virgil and smile and it returned it. Everything was ok.