Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

On the night that Ellie leaves, Dina dreams of the day she returns.

In her dream she hears JJ’s laugh as she walks to their bedroom at the farm. She sees Ellie standing over the crib, a smile curling on her lips before the moaning registers.

Ellie is shaking, groaning, her shoulders are hunched, her skin is sallow, and it’s only when Dina takes a step forward that she realises that Ellie is no longer there.

Ellie is not immune after all.

The monster in Ellie’s body turns to her, its teeth rotten and jagged, eyes red, lesions on its skin, a fungal growth stretching from its right eye to its hairline.

“Oh God,” Dina sobs, hurrying forward and reaching for JJ.

His crib is empty.

--

Dina wakes up gasping. The sun is barely on the horizon.

She lasts three more days, each more haunted than the last. She finds the nights the hardest and when she tries to stay awake, she thinks she can hear Infected shouting and Ellie yelling her name in the wind.

 On the fourth day, Dina packs a bag and leaves for Jackson at dawn.

--

Jesse’s parents welcome them with open arms, and she leans into their support.

She tells them little, and they ask no questions.

Ellie’s absence is profound.

Robin, Jesse’s father, volunteers to pack up the farm several days later when he builds the courage to mention the farm to Dina.

Dina knows he’s already been, she had heard him talking to Susan the night before about moving the sheep and chickens into Jackson.

Dina just nods.

--

When Robin returns, he hasn’t brought back anything of Ellie’s.

--

Dina works in the clinic and takes up knitting again to keep her hands busy. She contemplates going on patrol again, but she can’t bear the thought of it when she looks at JJ and thinks about how she might not return either.

She dreams of Ellie, and of the farm.

--

Weeks pass and JJ grows.

--

Dina visits Joel’s grave on Saturdays.

It makes her heart hurt but she feels closer to Ellie.

--

When the weather begins to turn, Dina thinks of Ellie even more. Is she cold? Is she alone? Is she alive?

She cannot move past it.

--

Late on a Tuesday Dina quietly comes home. She presses a kiss to JJ’s face as he eats in the kitchen and hugs Jesse’s mother.

“Dina?” Robin asks carefully.

“Yeah?” Dina smiles tiredly.

“I know we haven’t talked about it, but there’s some extra stuff from the farm that you never went through,” he says quietly.

“I thought I went through everything?” Dina replies.

“It’s, uh-” Robin falters.

“It’s mostly Ellie’s stuff, honey,” Susan says softly, rubbing Dina’s arms.

“Oh, okay,” Dina says, nodding to herself.

A cardboard box and a duffle bag are sitting in the corner of the garage.

Dina tries to ignore them.

--

Dina makes it to Friday before she ventures into the garage. The duffle bag contains one of Ellie’s singlets, four flannels including the green one from the night they first kissed, a familiar heavy grey hoodie, and a thick green canvas jacket.

Dina’s heart burns.

She sleeps with the singlet under her pillow.

No one says anything to her when Ellie’s clothes make their way into her daily wardrobe.

--

The following Wednesday Dina opens the box.

She tries to ignore her shaking hands as she sifts through a pile of comics and countless drawings of her and JJ, interspersed with sketches of Joel, flowers and trees. Sniffing as she attempts to rub away tears before they fall on a photograph of Ellie and herself as teenagers. Two years before Seattle, an unfinished tattoo on Ellie’s arm, a blush on her cheeks…

At the bottom of the box is one of Ellie’s journals. Dina hugs it to her chest as she cries.

Later, when she gathers her strength, she brings the box upstairs to her room and shoves it under her bed.

She tries to forget it is there.

--

“…picked up some stragglers…”

Dina’s heart drops through her chest when she registers the chatter in the background around her. She’s at the diner, picking at a meal as Susan and Robin chat happily and feed small bits to JJ.

“…some girl covered in blood…”

“…no idea who she is, people she was with didn’t know either…”

“…she had a bite, so they put her down…”

Dina is out of her chair and on the street in seconds, sprinting toward the front gate.

She can make out a small crowd in the distance as she rushes to the front gate, several rattled strangers being led away to be checked for bites and interrogated before they can stay, and a body lying on the ground, blood splattered around it.

Maria exits the small office near the guard post as Dina approaches, catching Dina in her arms and trying to hold her back.

Dina is crying. Sobbing. Screaming.

Trying to break past Maria’s arms.

An eternity passes before Dina understands Maria’s words, “It’s not her, Dina! Dina, it’s not Ellie!” Dina checks anyway. She stares into the dead girl’s eyes, studies her face, inspects her untattooed arm, and slowly… slowly she agrees it is not Ellie.

Her heart is still racing.

--

Dina’s nightmares return. They never really left.

Ellie is dead, rotting on a forest floor.

Ellie is alive, trapped in a basement filled with Infected and slowly turning as she breathes in the spores.

Ellie is dead, discarded in a heap with her head in pieces like Joel.

Ellie is alive, bleeding out with two bullets in her gut.

Ellie is dead, her body floating through the ocean.

Ellie is alive, making her way back to her in one piece but not herself.

Ellie is dead, collapsed on the porch of their farmhouse. Alone.

--

Dina visits the farmhouse five times in the next week.

Breathing in the quiet.

Tracing their initials carved into the tree outside.

Ignoring Robin as he hovers at the edge of her vision.

She does not open Ellie’s study door, but she sits on their bed for a while.

On her fifth trip she brings back a pillow and leaves a set of clean, folded sheets to gather dust on the corner of their bed.

Just in case.

--

Dottie Henderson used to be a psychologist. Before the outbreak.

Dottie is short and stocky, her hair is greying at her temples and always in a bun, she wears a wedding ring proudly on her ring finger and a second wedding band on a loose chain around her neck.

Dottie seeks out Dina roughly one month after Dina returns to Jackson.

“You look like shit,” Dottie tells her warmly as Dina returns from her fifth trip to the farmhouse.

“O-Okay,” Dina splutters, dismounting and leading her horse to the stables.

“You should come see me,” Dottie says firmly. Dina looks at her in confusion until Dottie continues, “I used to be a therapist, the outbreak served as a bit of a crash course in trauma therapy.”

Dina stuffs her nervous hands in her pockets.

“Therapy helps you work through things,” Dottie tells her. “It could be good for you. I’m at the brick house next to the carpenter’s workshop. My door will be open tomorrow morning, or whenever you need it.”

Dottie nods to herself and strolls away.

--

Dina goes to Dottie’s house the next day, sits awkwardly on her couch and sips at a cup of tea.

Under the older woman’s gaze, Dina is crying within twenty minutes.

Her words and her tears are like a flood she cannot contain.

--

Dina visits Dottie three times a week for the first two weeks. Never as long as their first session. One hour in the morning on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Then it becomes twice a week, Mondays and Fridays.

She visits Joel on Saturdays in the early morning.

Dina does a short shift at the clinic on the days she has therapy, and full shifts on the watchtower on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Dottie tells her that working the watch shifts is a bad idea, but Dina will not be deterred.

JJ goes to the small preschool that Jackson runs three days a week, and otherwise Susan cares for him while Dina works.

Dina loves living with Jesse’s parents.

--

JJ starts walking.

And he cannot be stopped.

--

JJ says his first word, ‘Mama’.

Dina is elated and devastated.

She tries not to think about Ellie.

--

She finally runs into Tommy. It is Saturday, in the early afternoon, and she is sitting in the cemetery, arranging fresh wildflowers in a vase next to Joel’s grave. She normally comes in the morning, but today JJ just wouldn’t settle.

Tommy pushes open the gate with a creak before he notices her sitting there. His eyes are full of conflict and he inevitably turns to leave.

“It’s okay,” she calls out to him, throat dry.

He approaches cautiously and sits next to her on the ground, struggling at first with his bad leg.

They have never really spoken since Dina returned, but she has read the shame on his face more times than she can count.

“I am so sorry,” Tommy says softly, his voice cracking.

Dina nods, her eyes tracing Joel’s name engraved in stone.

“It’s my fault she isn’t here,” he continues.

“It isn’t,” Dina says sharply. “She made a choice.”

Tommy bites back a bitter laugh. “A choice I pushed her to.”

“Tommy,” Dina says quietly. “She hurt herself more with her thoughts than you ever could have with your words.”

They sit in silence for some time.

“It was cruel of me and I’m sorry,” Tommy tells her, adding quickly before Dina can respond, “I just need to apologise for my part in it… even if she would have done the same thing without me there.”

Dina nods at him, shuffles closer and leans against his side. “You were a fucking asshole,” she tells him.

“It was like I lost myself,” Tommy tells her, his voice is shaky, eyes wet, “Y’know… it felt a lot like after we lost Sarah, Joel’s daughter.” He looks down at Dina. “It was like the world was bleak and hopeless, and the only thing left in the world was the anger festering inside us.”

“Joel and I…” He trails off. “We became better people, brighter people, when I met Maria and he met Ellie, and we were here- together. And then it just blew up- his past came back to bite him in the ass, and I- for a moment, when I was yelling at her…” He struggles with his words, with his shame. “I wished Joel had just walked away in that hospital, left her there, and he was still here.”

Dina looks up at Tommy, her stomach in knots at the thought of never meeting Ellie.

“But he wouldn’t have been Joel,” Tommy concludes. “He still would have been that angry shell, who never moved on…”

“Sounds a lot like Ellie,” Dina says quietly. “I thought we were building something together, but she never really closed that door behind her.”

“She could have,” Tommy says, “If she had stayed- she and I could have worked through it together… I’ve made my peace with it in some ways- with Joel, I mean-” he clarifies quickly, “But not with her being gone.”

“I…” Dina falters, “I felt for the longest time that Ellie would eventually leave that house… in some ways, I’m thankful I had as long as I did with her, but, fuck- she wasn’t going to let it go. Not like that. There was something out there,” Dina scoffs, “Some realisation, some method of working through that pain… that she needed. And I honestly don’t know if killing that girl is even going to give her that.”

Tommy nods, he places his heavy arm around Dina’s shoulders as they sit in silence.

--

It has been six months since Ellie walked out.

Dina requests a patrol shift.

She wants a reprieve from the walls of Jackson and needs a set route or she knows she will find herself back at the farmhouse.

The patrol is quiet. Dina is ‘paired’ with Mitchell and Laura, both very capable fighters. Patrols are always done in pairs, everyone knows this, but no one questions Maria when she gives out assignments and Dina leaves in a group of three.

Their route takes them to the abandoned mall that she and Ellie patrolled two winters ago. They clear the east side this time, managing to access several sealed shops.

It is a routine patrol.

Three clickers. Four runners. Mitchell and Laura do all the work. Dina’s blood curdles at the sounds of the Infected, thinking of Ellie, the hidden bite under a chemical burn and lungs filled with spores.

Dina finds the fifth issue of Savage Starlight on the trip. Her hands shake as she holds it and the others say nothing.

Later that night, Dina opens the box under her bed and checks the comic collection. She looks through it to confirm what she already knew, that Ellie was missing issue five.

A completed set. Issues one to sixteen.

Dina stays up late reading them and when she finishes, she reads Ellie’s journal.

She can’t seem to stop herself, eyes consuming each word as she finds herself on Ellie’s journey through Seattle. Fragments are familiar to her; words Ellie had muttered under her breath as she was finding them.

The last entries are entirely foreign and sit heavily in her chest.

‘When does it get quiet?
Time was suppose to
Suffocate the urge…
Suffocate the desire…
Extinguish?
Extinguish the desire…

Haunted by your stare smiles
The mask keeps getting heavier
It’s sliding off my face
One step forward, two steps back.

There’s a noose around my neck
And the further I get
The tighter It’s harder and harder to breathe
Can I find a way to cut the cord rope cord?

I’ve been waiting for dawn
But the light is all gone
I’ve lost the light
Don’t know if I’m already b lind…
Can I leave it all behind?’

Dina falls asleep with Ellie’s journal, discarded and tearstained, lying beside her.

--

The weather turns warm.

--

Mitchell is flirting with her.

He is tall, with broad shoulders, shortly cropped hair, and he makes Dina laugh.

He asks her to come to the town dance being hosted that night.

Dina hesitates, then agrees.

“I’ll pick you up at six,” he says with an easy smile.

Dina watches him walk away, she makes it to twenty seconds before she breaks, “I’m sorry, I-I can’t.”

He nods at her, understanding. “That’s alright. I hope you have a nice night anyway.”

She cries herself to sleep that night.

--

Weeks pass.

--

It is Friday morning and Dina is chatting quietly with Mrs Henderson.

“I had a nightmare last night,” Dina tells her.

A moment passes before Mrs Henderson replies, “Would you like to tell me about it?”

Dina laughs softly, her smile turning sad as she says, “Ellie came home.”

Dottie’s eyes soften, and she waits for Dina to find her words.

“She was- she was smiling and happy-” Dina says. “She rushed up and hugged me so tightly…” Dina bites her lip, “-covered in blood-” Her voice cracks.

“Her blood?” Dottie asks her.

“No- Abby’s- it was like she was fresh from the fight and had rushed home to celebrate her victory…”

Dottie frowns but stays silent.

“She was hugging me and laughing, talking about how she did it, and when she pulled back- her eyes were black and I was covered in blood,” Dina says.

“Did anything else happen in your dream?” Dottie asks.

“No, I woke up then,” Dina says, rubbing her tired eyes, “I don’t know if she’s alive or not, and obviously I want her to be happy… but the dream made me sick to my stomach.”

“Do you want Ellie to kill Abby?”

“I- I…” Dina struggles to find her words, “I genuinely don’t care what happens to Abby. I want Ellie to have found peace somehow and I feel like… I feel like if she kills her and comes home triumphantly, then the girl I fell in love with will really be dead.”

“Ellie has killed before,” Dottie reminds her. “We’ve discussed this.”

“It was… It was mostly in self-defence though,” Dina defends weakly. “I did it too, we do what we have to do to survive- but we don’t enjoy it… I- Ellie was so haunted,” Dina’s voice cracks. “And I feel like if she went to Santa Barbara and managed to find her, and kill her… that she might not ever come home.”

“You think Ellie would stay out there?”

“I think Ellie was holding onto her need for vengeance, her duty to avenge Joel, for so long that I’m not sure what else she has when she gets it…”

“How do you think you’d handle it if she returned? Or if she never did?” Dottie asks her.

Dina takes a long shuddering breath. “I think not knowing is going to haunt me for a long time,” she says solemnly. “But… I think in some ways not knowing is better than Ellie returning as a ghost of herself.”

“A ghost?”

“Present but not there… like she was at the farm but worse… like she’s completely lost herself.”

Dottie’s eyes are filled with understanding. Dina drinks her tea, and presses her hands together, and breathes, and does not cry.

Chapter Text

Two weeks pass. It’s a Friday morning, and Dina has returned from her session with Mrs Henderson and crawled back into bed.  

She hears a knock on the front door downstairs, and heavy footfalls answering it. She sits up when she hears Robin gasp.

She shifts to sit on the edge of the bed, her bare feet feel cold on the floor.

Moments pass, her heart pounding in her ears. “It’s not her,” she tells herself. “It’s never her.”

“Dina!” Susan’s voice calls from downstairs, sounding uncertain, “Dina, honey, come down here please.”

Dina feels like her body is lurching from under her, she’s at the top of the stairs and then she’s downstairs and then she sees her-

Dina’s hand holds the wall beside her to keep her steady as her head swims.

Ellie is right in front of her. Fearful green eyes meeting hers.

Dina feels like she is going to throw up and she hunches over, a hand on her stomach. Susan rushes over to Dina’s side, trying to support her, a mothering hand rubbing Dina’s back.

Dina stares at Ellie for a long moment. Ellie’s face is thin, there is a bruise fading on her cheek, her lower lip is split on the right side, her hair is tied back and greasy, there is a cut on her left temple, a dried trail of blood down the left side of her face. Ellie is wearing a blood-stained singlet, a tattered grey flannel sitting over it, dark jeans and her faded converse. Her hands are clasped together in front of her.

A thousand questions are running through her head. Did you do it? Are you okay? Are you still Ellie?

“A-are you hurt?” Dina chokes out.

Ellie shrugs at her, fighting a wince as she does so.

“Have you been to the clinic?” Dina asks.

Ellie shakes her head, her mouth opening, a plea beginning to form on her lips, but Dina says firmly, “Don’t start."

Ellie stumbles back as though she was pushed, looking winded.

“Go to the clinic, now,” Dina says, willing her voice not to shake.

Ellie nods, and slowly she turns and walks away.

Dina cannot stand to watch her leave, angry at herself, her gaze falling to the ground. There are droplets of blood drying on the timber porch.

--

Dina takes a long shower and dresses again slowly. She pulls on her boots, ties her hair up into a ponytail and sits on the porch steps, waiting.

It’s afternoon when Ellie returns.

Ellie’s face is now clean, and her visible wounds have been patched up. She is wearing faded blue jeans, and a white shirt peeks out from under a red hoodie.

Dina takes a shaky breath as she watches Ellie loiter at the gate.

Dina shuffles over, making room for Ellie to sit beside her on the stairs. The taller girl timidly coming forward and sitting with a heavy sigh, her hands buried in her hoodie pocket.

Dina rubs her eyes and turns to face Ellie. She hates that she feels so breathless. She feels underprepared for this moment; the endless discussions with Mrs Henderson were always underpinned with a sense of futility, with a feeling that Ellie would never actually return.

Dina takes a shaky breath; she isn’t entirely sure yet that Ellie really has. “Go on.”

Ellie looks at her in confusion.

“Explain yourself,” Dina says.

“I-I didn’t do it,” Ellie rushes out, “I d-didn’t kill...”

She pauses when Dina rests a warm hand on her shoulder.

“Start at the beginning,” Dina tells her softly, allowing her hand to linger for a moment before taking it back.

Dina lets Ellie speak for a long time. Her voice is hoarse from disuse. She tells Dina about travelling to Santa Barbara, about how she turned back three times to return but had kept going. She tells her about the basement she was trapped in, the darkness playing tricks on her, and the wildflowers in California. She talks about the ocean, about the heat of the sun, and how it felt to be hanging from the tree clutching her side, the sound of the blood dripping...

Dina loops her arm through Ellie’s, leaning against the taller girl trying to give her some form of solace or strength to continue.

Ellie tells her about fighting the Rattlers, about how careless she became, blowing through their complex and rushing to the beach, determined to kill Abby first.

How different Abby looked, how Abby didn’t want to kill her… Dina lets out a shaky breath when Ellie tells her she threatened Lev to make Abby fight her.

Dina thinks she must have stopped breathing at this point and does not resume until Ellie tells her about crying on her knees in the water. Heartbreakingly alone.

Both of them are crying.

Ellie pauses for some time, but Dina has nothing to contribute.

“All I saw in that moment was him,” Ellie says softly, “I think he- he would have gone so far for me- but- he-I don’t think he would have wanted-”

Ellie’s story fractures here. She talks about the night at the dance and what she and Joel spoke about afterwards, about being ready to try to forgive him;  it’s only then that she explains what Joel did to the Fireflies, how Nora confirmed in Seattle who Abby really was.

Dina presses her face into Ellie’s shoulder, willing her to continue.

Ellie talks about how she searched in the water for hours for her knife and never found it - another piece of herself that she lost. How she travelled back to Jackson, stopping at St Mary’s Hospital on the way home, crossing through Utah. 

"I went back to that operating room," Ellie says, her eyes far away. "I spent a while there, just thinking about it, thinking about what would have happened-"

Dina can picture it, though she doesn't want to; Ellie, tiny and fourteen, spread out, a specimen. She swallows against bile.

"If they had just- if they had just asked me- and I would have- but Joel," the words are jumbled, falling from her mouth like stones, like she can't get them out fast enough; she pauses, breathes. "I lay there, and all I could think was- all I could see was JJ, and you, and I thought- if it was me choosing, I mean, if- if-" she pauses again, finds what she wants to say. "If I was Joel, I would have killed them too."

Dina presses a soft kiss to Ellie’s shoulder. 

"I always was- I mean, I always felt-" Ellie murmurs, her voice dream-like, "like I was on borrowed time, you know? Ever since Riley. Ever since- I mean. If they had- if they had found a cure - because of me - at least I would've- it all would've meant something, but Joel - and then- and then what was the point?” 

Dina leans her head on Ellie’s shoulder. Ellie is still, not leaning in, not moving away.

"I never had a choice, and I thought it all needed to mean something, but maybe-" and she seems to shrink, like she wants to draw closer to Dina but is afraid to, "-maybe this can be my choice."

Dina doesn’t reply. The sun is setting, throwing yellow light under the roof of the porch. Dina stares at it, even though it burns her eyes, even though she knows she shouldn’t. The light is warm, Ellie, beside her, is warm; she thinks about the last time they watched a sunset together. 

“I went to the farmhouse,” Ellie tells her softly. “I needed to know you and JJ were safe…”

“I couldn’t stay there,” Dina mutters weakly.

“I know,” Ellie sighs, her eyes down. “If I could do it all again, I want to say I’d do things different, but- my panic attacks were getting worse… I wasn’t eating, I was slipping- I was so scared that I would freak out and hurt you- hurt JJ… I needed to find answers…”

“And you found them?” Dina asks.

“I found them.”

A moment passes.

“Are you staying?” Dina asks her softly.

“Do you want me to?” Ellie whispers back, turning her head finally to meet Dina’s eyes.

“Do you want to?”

“Of course I want to,” Ellie breathes.

Dina nods, pressing her face into Ellie’s shoulder. “It’s all finished now?” She asks, seeking reassurance again, a blush on her cheeks.

“You, and JJ, are the only things I care about,” Ellie says softly, removing her left hand from her hoodie pocket and resting it on Dina’s thigh. “Abby, Santa Barbara, Seattle, the Fireflies… they’re not what matters.”

Dina presses her lips to Ellie’s shoulder again, shaky with relief.

The moment is lost when Dina turns and sees the hand on her leg, red and raw, pain blooming sharply in Dina’s chest as she stifles a gasp.

“Ellie,” she whispers brokenly. Ellie tries to take her hand back, to hide it away again but Dina moves quickly and holds her hand firmly to her lips, fingertips brushing the bracelet still wrapped around Ellie’s wrist. She kisses each knuckle and the bite mark that curls around Ellie’s palm, her eyes prickling with tears.

“I love you,” Ellie says softly. “I’m so sorry I left.”                                          

“You are the dumbest person in the world,” Dina tells her, a pained laugh falling from her lips as she wipes at her eyes.

“I am the dumbest person in the world,” Ellie repeats quietly.

Dina squeezes Ellie’s hand one last time before standing. Ellie follows, stumbling to her feet with the grace of a newborn fawn.

They stand across from each other, and Dina reaches out for Ellie’s shoulders, smiling sadly at the other girl as she rubs her hands up and down Ellie’s arms. She’s here, Dina thinks, trying to convince herself, she’s real. 

A quiet moment slips past them as Dina rubs her hands up Ellie’s arms one more time, wrapping her arms around Ellie’s neck and tugging her into a soft hug. She feels Ellie’s arms slowly wrap around her waist, hands hovering uncertainly over Dina’s back. They settle when Dina presses a soft kiss on Ellie’s neck where it meets her shoulder. Dina can feel Ellie trembling.

Dina lets herself sink into the embrace, ignoring the chill in the air and how much time has passed.

Eventually she pulls herself away, reaching a hand up to stroke Ellie’s cheek. “Find a place to crash, Maria can help,” Dina says, “Meet me back here tomorrow, 10am. We’ll go for a walk, okay?”

Ellie nods, eagerness bleeding through her tired features. With one last long searching look, Dina heads back inside, closing the door behind her, not looking back.

--

Dina is off-kilter that night.

Susan and Robin seem to tiptoe around her, helping JJ with his dinner as she stares off into the past.

“Mama,” JJ calls, hands reaching for her once Susan has finished wiping his face. She doesn’t really hear him for a moment. “Mama?”

She snaps back to the present, guilt flooding her chest as she picks him up, pressing a kiss and an apology to his head as she cradles him, whispering soothing words. “I’m sorry I didn’t eat much,” she says to Susan.

“Are you doing okay?” Robin asks. “Was everything okay earlier with Ellie?”

“Yeah,” Dina says tiredly, rubbing at her eyes, “It-” She smiles. “Honestly, it was.”

“Can we ask what happened?” Susan asks. “We’re so happy to see she’s back… is- is she staying?”

“She says she is,” Dina replies.

“And do you believe that?” Robin asks warily.

“I- I have no reason not too,” Dina says, thinking about Ellie’s words from earlier. “I believe her.”

“Even though she’s left before?” Robin asks, pressing again.

Dina’s eyes meet his, her lips pressed together in a tense line.

“I didn’t mean it that way,” he tries to placate her. “I just don’t want this to be a setback for you or JJ. I don’t want history to repeat itself.”

“Dina,” Susan says softly. “You know Ellie best. If you believe her, then we believe you.”

Later, when Dina is giving JJ his bath, she thinks about all the moments Ellie missed. She feels a single fleeting flash of anger, tries to ignore it, and tucks JJ into bed.

--

That night Dina dreams of the day Ellie left.

In her dream she hears JJ laughing as she walks back upstairs to their bedroom. She sees Ellie standing over the crib, a smile curled on her lips.

Dina rushes forward but by the time she reaches her, Ellie has faded from view.

Chapter Text

The following morning Dina wakes early; she can barely recall her dreams. She feels rested, and she’s ready for Ellie to arrive long before Ellie does.

Dina flits nervously through the house, making breakfast for Jesse’s parents who greet her with worried smiles when they come downstairs. She occupies herself with playing with JJ, stacking blocks for him to knock down.

At half past nine she notices Ellie through the window, hovering by the front gate. She kisses JJ goodbye, hugs Susan and leaves quickly.

Ellie blushes when she realises that she was noticed. She’s wearing a red flannel over a white shirt and blue jeans. “I’m sorry, I know I’m early,” she says. Her hair is longer now, loose and falling past her shoulders. Ellie looks so soft and nervous that it makes Dina ache.

“It’s okay,” Dina replies, smiling as Ellie steps into her outstretched arms. Dina hugs Ellie tightly, squeezing her closer when Ellie’s grip loosens to end the hug. “Not yet,” she says softly, soaking in the warmth of their embrace.

“Okay,” Dina finally says with a smile, letting Ellie go and taking her hand as they walk quietly down the street. Ellie is still blushing.

Dina takes her to the cemetery. It’s almost cruel, but Dina goes every Saturday and it feels necessary for Ellie to come too.

She offers to give Ellie some privacy, but Ellie shakes her head and squeezes Dina’s hand tighter.

They sit quietly for some time, Ellie tracing the name engraved in stone as she smiles weakly. “What’s the downside to eating a clock?” She asks, voice trembling. “It’s time consuming.” 

Another tense moment passes. 

“I- uh, I think about you a lot,” Ellie says, words heavy and awkward in her mouth. “E-everything that we went through together-” Her voice cracks. 

Dina bites her lip, looking carefully at Ellie in the corner of her eye.

“Things would be really different if you were still here,” Ellie says, her voice thick with tears. “I wish I had said more that night. Or- or stayed longer. I-”

Dina takes Ellie’s hand, fingers tracing the bite mark softly. 

“I just- I wish I got more time with you.”  

--

They find themselves at the diner later, eyes still red, and Dina excuses herself quickly to wash her face.

Ellie is fidgeting quietly in their booth when Dina returns, sliding in beside her rather than opposite and rubbing her hand softly on Ellie’s thigh.

“Hey,” Ellie greets her quietly.

“Long time no see,” Dina says with a smile, bumping her shoulder against Ellie’s and turning to thank Josie for bringing them some food. Dina starts to eat her creamy pasta dish, watching Ellie pick at her food beside her. She presses a kiss to Ellie’s cheek, and murmurs in her ear, “Please eat.”

Slowly Ellie obeys, tearing the bread on the side of her plate and dipping it into her soup. Dina knows Ellie hates soup; she ordered for Ellie thinking about how skinny she looked and how much she would likely struggle to keep a meal down.

They eat slowly and quietly, Dina using a fork with her right hand to keep her left on Ellie’s thigh.

Ellie doesn’t finish her bowl of soup but has eaten most of the bread, and Dina can see the fatigue her face.

“Come on, Freckles,” Dina says, tucking Ellie’s hair behind her ear and taking her hand to lead her out of the diner.

“I’m coming,” Ellie mutters softly.

“Are you trying to say you don’t want to hold my hand?” Dina asks teasingly.

“N-no-” Ellie splutters.

“Good, cause I plan to keep holding yours,” Dina says playfully. She keeps her eyes in front of her, ignoring Ellie’s lingering gaze. Several streets over, Dina asks, “Maria put you up in your old place?” Ellie hums in agreement.

Dina takes her there, not letting go of Ellie’s hand until they're inside and she’s taking Ellie’s flannel off.

“What are you-?” Ellie begins to ask.

“I think it’s time for bed,” Dina tells her, turning from Ellie to pull up the sheets on Ellie’s bed and then lifting back a corner on Ellie’s side.

Ellie’s face is scrunched in confusion but she’s tired and obeys with a small, “It’s only, like, 4pm.” Regardless, she kicks off her Converse and unzips her jeans. Dina ignores the heat in her stomach as she watches, tracing Ellie’s thighs with her eyes, the heat turning cold when she sees the yellowing of faded bruises.

Ellie is left in her t-shirt and boxers, and is lying in bed before she realises Dina is taking off her boots as well. She watches silently as Dina slips off her jeans and joins her in between the sheets. Ellie’s face is red by the time Dina curls against her side, an arm around Ellie’s waist and her head resting above Ellie’s breast.

“Not that I’m complaining but-” Ellie begins to say.

“Shhh, let me have this,” Dina says against Ellie’s chest, pulling the other girl closer.

Ellie struggles to keep her eyes open, arms wrapped around Dina, fingertips tracing the scar on the back of her shoulder through her shirt, and eventually she drifts and falls asleep.

--

It is dark when Dina leaves. She had been awake for a while, never really falling asleep, just soaking in the warmth of Ellie against her, ear pressed to Ellie’s chest listening to her heartbeat.

It didn’t feel real in a lot of ways.

For Ellie to come back and seem so much more than at the farm. She was still fractured but she seemed like she had been working through it since Santa Barbara and it filled Dina with hope. At the farm it had felt like  Ellie was pulling away, and now Ellie was leaning in.

The words from Ellie’s journal loop in her mind.

‘The mask keeps getting heavier

One step forward, two steps back’

‘There’s a noose around my neck

Can I find a way to cut the cord?’

‘I’ve been waiting for dawn

But the light is all gone’

By the time Dina reaches home she wonders what Ellie would think now. Does she still feel like she’s wearing a mask? Has she cut the cord? Does she still think the light is all gone?

Or is hope blooming in her chest like it is in Dina’s?

--

Dina slips quietly into Ellie’s house the next day; she had knocked and tried to wait but had lost her patience quickly. The door was unlocked, despite Dina swearing she locked it the night before. 

Ellie is asleep in bed, an extra blanket thrown haphazardly over her that is new from last night. She must have woken at some point, maybe looking for Dina. Dina feels guilt for a moment but tries to shake it off. She deserves her space too, and it was important for her to go home for JJ.

Dina places the box of Ellie’s belongings on the couch, thinking about how long it sat under her bed and how many times she’s reread Ellie’s journal now. She wonders if Ellie has been writing again as she takes her boots off slowly and creeps back into bed beside Ellie. Briefly she wonders if she’s overstepping, but Ellie shifts closer with a grumble, an arm winding its way around Dina’s side and her face finding its way to Dina’s neck as she mumbles sleepily and presses a soft kiss there.

“Morning, Freckles,” Dina says softly, waiting with a smile as Ellie slowly wakes and begins to tense up.

“I-, I’m sorry,” Ellie mutters, trying to disentangle herself from Dina but Dina follows her, shifting to lie her head on Ellie’s chest as Ellie moves to lie on her back. Ellie only struggles briefly before relaxing back into the embrace. “I thought you left?”

“I needed to go home,” Dina says softly, “But I’m back now.”

“I…” Ellie falters, “Thank you.” The words are weighted; Dina feels them in her chest as she presses a kiss to Ellie’s cheek. Ellie’s arms tighten around her. “I love you so much,” Ellie breathes.

Dina focuses on her fingers as they trace Ellie’s collarbone, her stomach twisting painfully as she searches for a response.

“I am so sorry for how I hurt you,” Ellie says, breaking the silence again.

Dina’s heart is loud in her ears; she doesn’t feel ready to respond to that directly yet. “Oh yeah,” Dina tries to say teasingly, her voice still a bit unsteady. “Prove it.”

Ellie laughs. “And how do I do that?”

Dina hums, fingers dancing up Ellie’s neck, tracing her jawline, the scar on her chin, her split lip, the bruise on her cheek, the scar on her eyebrow, the butterfly bandage on the cut on her temple… she sits up slightly, leaning heavily on her elbow as she hovers over Ellie.

She leans in close, watching Ellie’s eyes and licking her lips suggestively. She smirks, lips close to touching Ellie’s as she whispers, “I want you… to go to therapy.”

Ellie’s sigh is as deep as her blush, and Dina laughs heartily above her as Ellie shakes her head weakly. “You’re an asshole.”

“What did you think I was gonna say?” Dina asks, feigning innocence.

“I don’t know,” Ellie groans, eyes shut in embarrassment, turning her head away from Dina. She ignores Dina’s hands on her cheeks, allowing her face to be turned back to Dina, eyes still shut and cheeks burning.

Dina kisses Ellie and then pulls back, watching as Ellie licks her lips softly.

“Dina,” She says weakly. Ellie opens her eyes and Dina feels heat spread across her cheeks, watches as Ellie swallows, her heart hammering.

Dina’s hand slides down to Ellie’s jaw, cradling it gently, thumb caressing her cheek, watching as Ellie’s eyes shut again. She leans in and kisses her, slowly, capturing Ellie’s bottom lip between hers and sucking on it gently. Ellie lets out a contented hum and slides her hands lower, gripping Dina’s hips and tugging her down so that Dina’s body is more heavily resting on her.

Dina’s fingers tangle in Ellie’s hair, kissing her thoroughly and attempting to ignore the distracting way Ellie’s thumbs rub circles on her hips. She presses an open-mouthed kiss on Ellie’s neck where it meets her shoulder, dislodging a deep moan from Ellie’s throat that she feels everywhere. She loves the way that Ellie looks, like she’s dizzy and needy and perfect. She feels the remains of her composure slipping as she licks and sucks at Ellie’s collarbone.

“Dina,” Ellie whines. Dina’s thighs burn where they touch Ellie’s, and she feels like she’s suffocating in the clothes she is still wearing.

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you, baby,” Dina murmurs between kisses on Ellie’s neck, enjoying the way Ellie’s hips buck to meet hers.

A heavy knock sounds on the door.

Dina sighs as Ellie groans.

Dina lifts herself from Ellie; hovering above her trying to commit this vision to memory, she smirks at Ellie’s nervous smile and wide eyes. “To be continued, I suppose,” Dina laughs, getting up and answering the door.

Her hair is messy, shirt wrinkled.

Ellie is lying back in tangled sheets, face flushed, small bruises blooming on her neck.

“Hey, Maria,” Dina greets.

“Dina!” Maria says with a smile, Tommy standing behind her with several stacked containers of undoubtedly good food, “It’s good to see you here.”

“It’s good to be here, come on in,” Dina says unabashedly. 

Ellie rolls her eyes, biting back a laugh at Dina inviting them inside while Ellie is half naked in bed.

“Ellie, how are you? Are you feeling okay? You don’t have a fever, do you?” Tommy says nervously.

“I’m sure she’s feeling great,” Maria said with a knowing smile, patting Tommy’s arm. “Come on, let’s put these containers away.” Maria leads Tommy to the small kitchenette in the corner, Ellie gratefully taking the chance to get out of bed and put her pants on.

Dina watches her with a smirk, pressing a kiss to Ellie’s cheek when the taller girl walks closer.

“I hate you,” Ellie tells her quietly.

Dina’s smirk grows, pulling Ellie close to her and whispering in her ear, “I didn’t seem like you hated me five minutes ago.”

Ellie scoffs, face burning as she turns Tommy and Maria.

Dina watches them as Tommy awkwardly explains what food they had brought and thanks her again for hearing him out yesterday. Dina wonders when they spoke; perhaps he had woken Ellie last night after Dina had left?

“We were wondering,” Maria says, taking over from Tommy. “Would you like to come to ours for dinner tonight? You too, Dina,” she adds. “I don’t know if it’s too soon-”

“We’ll come,” Dina promises, speaking for the two of them. 

“Wonderful,” Maria smiles. “We’ll see you at six tonight.”

Maria and Tommy turn to leave, and then Ellie and Dina are alone again.

Chapter Text

They look at each other in silence, sizing each other up and trying to work out what to say.

“I’d give that kiss a seven,” Dina says thoughtfully.

“A seven?” Ellie asks incredulously.

“Well… I was doing all the work,” Dina says teasingly. “You haven’t been that timid in bed for a while."

“Still, a seven?” Ellie repeats, shaking her head softly.

“Not our best.”

“I thought it was pretty good,” Ellie says with a blush. “What would you say was our best?”

“I, uh,” Dina half stammers, feeling a bit shyer now, “Probably anything in the last few months of my pregnancy.”

Ellie grins, laughing as she falls back onto her bed, “You were so horny.”

“I was so horny,” Dina sighs, lying down beside her.

They let a moment slip passed them quietly.

Ellie hums softly, “How is he?”

Dina sighs, reluctant to actually start sharing. “He’s good… walking now,” her heart throbs in her chest as a small sob rips from Ellie’s throat. “A-and talking too…”

“Oh god,” Ellie whimpers, and suddenly she’s in pieces.

Dina holds her tightly, fighting back her own tears.

“I can’t believe I walked away from you both,” Ellie cries. “What is wrong with me?”

“You were deeply, deeply traumatised,” Dina says softly, the words both teasing and cruel in their sincerity and honesty, “And as much as I didn’t want you to leave… I understand why you did.”

“I’m so sorry…” Ellie says, “I… I missed so much.”

“And we missed you,” Dina says quietly.

Dina holds Ellie through her tears, as the sobs wracking through her body slowly pass.

When Ellie is finally quiet, Dina speaks again, throat dry. “I think I started missing you before you left.”

“W-what do you mean?” Ellie asks, her face tucked into Dina’s neck.

“I could feel you holding yourself back at the time. I knew you felt lost,” Dina says quietly. “I don’t really understand it, but I kinda feel closer to you right now than I did back then…”

Ellie pulls back, both of them now sitting side by side on the bed, and waits for Dina to continue.

“I-, it feels like you aren’t putting on a mask anymore,” Dina says, thinking of the journal again. “You’re talking and you’re sharing, and… you’re wearing your emotions clearly on your face again like you used to when we were younger-”

“I-I didn’t wear-” Ellie defends weakly.

“Yes, you did,” Dina says with a laugh, “I’m surprised you lasted so long with Cat when you looked at me how you did.”

“I was very subtle with my crush,” Ellie insists, jokingly half-heartedly.

“Sure,” Dina says nodding, “Regardless, I-, I think we both weren’t okay at the farm and as much as we tried to comfort each other, we weren’t ready to… it’s not- it’s not on us to fix each other’s problems. I can’t fix you.” The words fall awkwardly from Dina’s lips, she quickly places a hand on Ellie’s knee trying to soften them somehow. “I- I’m not saying you need to be fixed- I just- it feels like we’re both in a place now where we can work on ourselves, and we can do that together- but, like- separately?”

Ellie’s eyebrows are knitted in confusion, nodding slightly as she tries to process what Dina was struggling to convey. “Like- with therapy?” She asks.

“Yeah,” Dina nods, feeling more comfortable. “I’ve been talking to someone for months now, and I feel like I’ve come so far from who I was at the farm. Having the support of Robin and Susan has been great, Maria and Tommy as well.”

“Tommy?” Ellie asks, surprised.

“He’s, uh, he’s changed a lot,” Dina says softly.

“I noticed,” Ellie says awkwardly, “We spoke last night, I, I don’t know what I expected but- he said- he said he was proud of me. And uh- I didn’t expect that,” she says with a weak laugh. “I didn’t think he’d ever forgive me.”

“People are willing to forgive more than you’d think,” Dina says, voice small.

Ellie’s eyes are intense on hers; an internal struggle seems to fight within her. “Are you-” She tries to say. “Would you-” She forces herself to breathe slowly, resting a cautious hand on top of Dina’s. “Do you ever see yourself giving us- me a second chance?”

Dina looks at her with a soft smile, her free hand reaching up to cup Ellie’s cheek as she moves closer. “Well…” she says, her voice gentle and tender, Ellie leaning in. “I wasn’t just trying to get into your pants to hit it and quit it.” Ellie laughs loudly, cackling as she shoves Dina playfully.

“Stop teasing me,” Ellie insists, blushing again.

When Ellie finally stops laughing, Dina captures her hands in hers and says softly, “I’m genuinely so happy to see you.”

“I’m really glad I came back,” Ellie says quietly, “I- uh, I camped outside of Jackson for two nights trying to work up the courage. I was really scared to face you again. I’m still so ashamed about how I treated you…” Dina nods softly, playing with Ellie’s fingers gently as Ellie continues, “About the choice I made… I will admit, I really thought you’d yell at me.”

Dina laughs, “Honestly, I would have months ago, I was so angry for so long. It really felt like you were choosing her over our family.” Dina squeezes Ellie’s hand in hers, releasing a deep breath. “I know it wasn’t like that. It was something you thought you needed to do. I- my anger faded with time, but the worry never did.”

Ellie nods.

“Time wasn’t changing how you felt,” Dina says softly. “One step forward, two steps back… There’s a noose around my neck, and the further I get, it’s harder and harder to breathe…” Ellie is looking at her carefully now, frowning softly. “Can I find a way to cut the cord? … I’ve been waiting for dawn, but the light is all gone…”

Ellie’s frown deepens, she takes her hand back to rub her face tiredly.

“I read one of your journals,” Dina tells her. “I didn’t mean to at first, but I found it and one night I couldn’t stop myself.”

“Those thoughts were private,” Ellie mutters softly.

“I felt like after everything I deserved to read it.”

“I suppose you did, in some ways,” Ellie replies, still looking upset. “I just didn’t intend those words for you.”

“It helped me to read them,” Dina says carefully. “I- You-” Her hands shake in her lap as she tries to find the correct words. “We were both trying, but you weren’t okay- we both weren’t really okay. Reading those words- getting that insight when you shared so little about your struggles before… It helped me understand my anger.”

“I’m glad it helped.” Ellie reached out, offering a hand that Dina gratefully took.

“Honestly, I still get angry sometimes, and it’s overwhelming, but- it ebbs and flows, and I think a great deal has faded with time, I- it’s something I’ve talked about a lot… I think- I realised how much fear was hiding beneath that anger,” Dina continued. “I was afraid of you returning as a monster,” she sucks in a deep breath. “Or a ghost, or just- lost… or never returning at all… I- I feel horrible for everything you’ve been through since you left- but- I feel relieved to see you like this. In one piece. Having cut that cord and started to heal. It’s all I ever wanted for you- for us…”

Ellie’s eyes are wet again as she nods. “Not really in one piece,” she says wryly, her eyes on the stumps on her hand in Dina’s.

“Ellie…” Dina says softly, mirth clear in her voice as she tries to suppress the smirk on her lips, Ellie’s eyes meeting hers in apprehension of an impending joke. “You know you only really need two fingers, right?”

Ellie rolls her eyes so hard they hurt. “We were having a serious moment, you dick.”

“Too soon?” Dina asks with a small laugh before faltering, “I’m sorry, I’m being dumb. Talking is really hard, and you went through something horrific and I’m-”

“Trying to cheer me up,” Ellie says with a sad smile. “It’s okay, I just… it still stings that I can’t play guitar anymore.”

“We could restring one,” Dina offers, eyes lingering on the bite mark curled around Ellie’s hand, “And you could learn to play left-handed?”

Ellie nods thoughtfully, a smile on her lips at the thought. “Yeah- I suppose we could.”

“Anyway,” Dina says, getting to her feet, “We should go.”

“Where are we going?” Ellie asks curiously, pulling on her red hoodie and tugging her cuffs down so they cover her hands.

“We’re getting you some food and making a pit stop on the way,” Dina tells her, slipping on her boots and fixing her hair.

--

Dina leads her to a knock that Ellie doesn’t recognise and knocks almost nervously on the door.

“Mrs Henderson, hey,” she says nervously as the older woman comes to the door, “This is Ellie.”

Dottie opens the door slowly, leans on the door frame and peers out at Ellie. “You aren’t asking me to treat her, are you?” She asks Dina.

“I was wondering if you know anyone else who could, actually,” Dina says awkwardly, “I imagine you’re not meant to go to the same therapist as your…” She falters on the last word.

Dottie laughs, “As your Ellie,” she says carefully, eyes examining Ellie closely. “Yeah, I know someone. I’ll talk to them tonight for you, her name is Irene but you can call her Ms Thompson. She’ll be free tomorrow morning and can see you at nine, hers is the blue painted house at the end of this street, with flowers in the front yard,” she says.

“Thank you so much,” Dina says, smiling back at an uncertain Ellie.

“You want this too, right Ellie?” Dottie asks her, almost protectively. “You’ll put in the work?”

“I will, I think it would be good for me, yeah,” Ellie says awkwardly, “Thank you.”

Dottie nods, “Am I still seeing you tomorrow for our session, Dina?”

“Definitely,” Dina confirms, taking Ellie’s hand in hers nervously with a smile.

“Good,” Dottie says with a sniff, “Take care of yourself now.”

--

“God, you weren’t joking, huh,” Ellie says with a laugh as they walk down the street.

“It’ll only work if you’re willing to let it,” Dina tells her sincerely. “If you aren’t ready then they’ll understand, but you’ve been through a lot and you don’t have to talk about everything at once.”

Ellie nods thoughtfully. “I’ll try.”

“That’s all you can really do,” Dina mutters, leading Ellie up the stairs of a familiar porch.

Ellie had been following her blindly, only realising at this point that she was at Jesse’s parents’ house. She follows Dina dutifully up to the porch, and is taken off guard when Dina spins around, grips her by the collar of her hoodie and pulls her tightly to her.

Ellie stumbles as she’s pulled, brows furrowing as she looks at Dina in confusion.

Dina holds Ellie close to her, their bodies apart but faces mere inches from one another, Dina’s eyes are harsh and searching. “I am trusting you,” she says quietly. “Don’t make me regret it.”

“Never again,” Ellie replies firmly.

Dina looks at her for a long moment, takes a breath and nods. She straightens, relaxing her hold on Ellie’s collar for a moment before pulling her close and hugging her properly this time. Dina lingers for a long moment, soaking in the embrace before Dina lets them into the house.

“Robin? Susan?” Dina calls out.

“In here,” Robin calls out from the kitchen. “You joining us for lunch? We have extra.”

Dina tugs a nervous Ellie further into the house, “Sounds perfect, thank you.”

Ellie hovers in the doorway awkwardly as Dina moves easily through the kitchen and scoops a happy JJ into her arms.

There’s a brief moment where Ellie burns with shame as Jesse’s parents look at her.

“Ellie,” Susan says softly, “We’re so glad you’re back.” She hugs her firmly, and Robin puts a heavy hand on Ellie’s shoulder and nods at her with a warm smile.

Ellie smiles, thanking them softly before looking towards Dina rocking JJ in her arms.

For a moment it seems like neither Ellie nor JJ recognise each other; Ellie’s face is open and bewildered, like a child. JJ looks towards Ellie before hiding his face shyly in Dina’s neck.

“Hey Potato,” Ellie says awkwardly, voice cracking.

He turns his face to peer at Ellie, he still seems undecided but more curious now.

“You’re so big, look at you,” Ellie says, walking closer to talk to him.

He reaches for her now, uncertain recognition in his eyes. “Up,” he requests firmly.

Ellie doesn’t really snap out of it until JJ repeats it the second time, wriggling against Dina now in an effort to get to Ellie.

She takes him with trembling hands and a shaky smile. He grabs onto her tightly with chubby hands, one fist twisted into her hair painfully, the other curled around her collar.

She doesn’t realise she’s crying until JJ reaches up and touches her face. “Okay?” He asks.

Ellie nods at him, “I’m okay, Spud,” her voice wavers again. “I missed you.”

Dina hugs them both close to her, JJ bracketed between them, a comforting hand placed on Ellie’s lower back.

--

Dina has to remind Ellie three times to keep eating; she can’t seem to tear her eyes away from JJ.

“Ellie,” Dina says, reaching out to touch Ellie’s arm again and break her concentration. “Please eat, you need to regain some of the weight you’ve lost.”

“R-right,” Ellie mumbles, finally continuing with her food. “He’s, um, he’s so much bigger.”

“He’s faster too,” Susan says warmly. “Almost impossible to catch sometimes.”

“He thinks it’s a lovely game,” Robin says. “Loves being chased. You should have seen him last week, he managed to escape right before bath time and he got all the way to the kitchen, completely naked, before Dina caught him.”

“I should have, yeah,” Ellie says softly, eyes downcast.

Dina places a comforting hand on Ellie’s thigh. “We can go out to the yard after we eat,” she offers. “We can run around and play until he’s tired enough for a nap.”

Ellie smiles at the suggestion. “Yeah, that sounds nice.”

Chapter Text

Ellie seems reluctant to leave for dinner. She’s lying on the floor of the loungeroom, stretched out with a pillow under her head and JJ snoozing on her chest, one arm tucked under her pillow, the other arm curled protectively around JJ. JJ’s thumb is tucked into his mouth, and Dina can tell he is drooling slightly on Ellie in his sleep.

The two of them had well and truly exhausted themselves running around, and from the way Ellie had winced twice Dina was wary she had pushed herself too far.

Ellie seemed so excited though, the shrieks of JJ’s laughter spurring her on as she chased him.

Dina takes JJ from her apologetically, feeling Ellie’s eyes follow her as she takes JJ to another room and places him in his crib.

“Come on,” Dina says to Ellie, offering a hand to help Ellie to her feet. “We should head out for dinner now.”

--

Dinner with Maria and Tommy is warm and pleasant, until it isn’t.

“So, Ellie, how are you holding up?” Tommy asks.

“Good, I think,” Ellie says. “I got to see JJ,” she says, pride clear in her voice. “He is so beautiful.”

“Have you been back into the clinic today to get your bandages changed?” Maria asks.

Dina’s eyes narrow, looking at the butterfly bandage on Ellie’s healing head wound and attempting to walk through the catalogue of injuries she’s seen.

Ellie nods, taking a sip of water as she tries to focus on her meal.

“Make sure you keep taking the antibiotics and follow their advice,” Maria says warningly. “I don’t want anything to get any worse.”

Dina looks at Ellie appraisingly; the way the taller girl avoids her gaze is telling.

--

Dina feels tired and a little lightheaded as they walk home, arms linked together, two glasses of wine sitting heavily in her stomach. Ellie had stuck to water throughout dinner, which Dina had approved of.

“What a big day,” Dina says with a soft hum.

“The biggest,” Ellie agrees with a smile.

Ellie walks Dina to her door, wishes her a quiet good night and turns to leave.

“You gonna share your injuries with the class?” Dina calls after her, leaning her back against the door.

Ellie pauses, head down low as she walks back to Dina, her fingers trembling as she untucks her shirt.

“Ellie,” Dina says, a hand reaching out to stop Ellie from undressing. “You can use your words; you don’t have to show me.”

Ellie lifts her shirt regardless, peeling back the corner of a bandage on the right side of her abdomen to show Dina a stitched wound, an angry row of stitches surrounded by mottled purple bruising and the shiny red skin of an infection.

Dina reaches out, fingertips hovering over the injury as though she plans to touch it, but instead she presses the bandage back in place, lowers Ellie’s shirt and takes her hands. “You shouldn’t have been lifting JJ before, that must have been painful-”

“It was wonderful,” Ellie says honestly.

“Listen, I’ve got a shift tomorrow at the clinic, can you come by?” Dina asks, eyes pleading, “I want to check you properly myself.”

“It’s nothing,” Ellie says weakly. “I’ve been treated and I’m following all their instructions.”

“Please,” Dina says, voice small. “It’s for my own peace of mind.”

Ellie nods softly, smiling as Dina embraces her and presses a tender kiss to her cheek.

“Good night, Ell,” Dina says.

“Night.”

--

Dina walks to Ellie’s early the next morning before her session with Mrs Henderson, hoping to both check in with Ellie and make sure the other girl actually meets with Ms Thompson. She catches Ellie as she’s leaving the gate, jogging slightly to catch up to her.

“You’re leaving early,” Dina calls.

Ellie pauses to wait for her to catch up, scuffing her shoe on the ground. “Didn’t want to be late,” she says bashfully. “I wanted to make a good first impression.”

Ellie fidgets awkwardly with her hands as Dina draws level with her, seemingly uncertain of how to greet Dina. Dina rolls her eyes slightly, leaning in to push Ellie into a soft hug. “You’ll do great,” she says gently.

Dina walks her to Ms Thompson’s door, leaving her to stress about knocking too early, as she heads to her appointment with Mrs Henderson.

--

“And how are you handling her return?” Dottie asks, concern clear in her tone.

“This is- this is better than I had ever let myself imagine,” Dina tells her. “I know she’s still hurting, it’s obvious, but- right now she’s in a therapy session. She’s- she’s talking about her feelings, like actually talking! You don’t know her but that’s really rare- like- getting her to talk about something hard at the farm was like pulling teeth…”

“And were you talking about hard things then as well?” Dottie asks with a raised eyebrow.

“No. I- I was deflecting,” Dina nods to herself. “I- It was easy to think I was doing it for her… but I didn’t want to have those conversations.”

“And you do now?”

“I- yeah, I guess.”

“You don’t sound too sure.”

“I kissed her,” Dina says thoughtfully.

A quiet moment passes. “And was it a good kiss?” Dottie asks when Dina doesn’t continue.  

“I got carried away,” Dina nods. “We didn’t- Like- sleep together or anything, but if we weren’t interrupted, I’m not sure when I would have stopped.”

“Is that something that you think she and you are ready for?” Dottie asks.

“I- I don’t know.”

--

Dina hovers awkwardly outside Ms Thompson’s house following her session, but after waiting for five minutes she heads to her shift at the clinic, not wanting to be late.

--

It’s afternoon when Ellie drops by the clinic. Dina smiles until she notices the makeshift bandage on Ellie’s left hand, it looks like she’s used a dirty rag and Dina is not impressed.

“It’s been like five hours,” Dina says with a sigh. “The fuck did you do?”

“Nothing!” Ellie says with a smile, closing the door behind her and locking it carefully. She slips the bandage off her hand to reveal her newest bite mark and otherwise unblemished skin.

“Oh,” Dina says softly.

“Yeah, I- uh, I don’t want people to see it and freak out,” Ellie said softly. “I was hoping you could maybe help me with that.”

Dina’s eyes flick to Ellie’s other arm; she is wearing long sleeves, but Dina’s eyes linger on the chemical burn regardless.

“If that’s okay,” Ellie says awkwardly, shuffling her feet. “I was just gonna use a lighter, but-”

“No, no,” Dina says quickly. “I’m honestly relieved you’re talking to me about it,” she pauses, releasing a deep sigh before smiling. “Let me check you over first though.”

Ellie moves to sit on the edge of the exam table in the middle of the room, picking at the bottom of her shirt but hesitating to take it off.

“I’m not gonna jump you, it’s fine,” Dina tries to reassure her, an awkward smile on her lips. “Yesterday was a- a mistake.”

She can see Ellie’s face fall, like she can see the play by play of Ellie registering the comment and hurting.

“I didn’t-,” Dina rushes to say. “I didn’t mean it like that. I-”

“It’s okay,” Ellie says weakly. “It’s fine.”

“I don’t regret kissing you,” Dina says firmly. “I just don’t think me getting carried away was a good idea.”

Ellie fidgets with her fingers, humming noncommittally as a reply.

“Ellie,” Dina says, waiting for the other girl to look up before pressing a soft kiss to her lips. “There’s a lot of- a lot of things between us, and I don’t want to speak for you, but, I don’t think we’re ready for more than this.”

Ellie nods thoughtfully as Dina washes her hands in the sink, when Dina turns back, she can see Ellie touching her fingertips softly to her lips.

“Alright, let’s start,” Dina says calmly, trying to quell the apprehension she feels.

--

Dina still feels unsteady after the examination but slightly more reassured that Ellie is okay. The wound she had been shown the previous night was truly the worst of it, with mostly lighter bruises and healing scrapes littered across Ellie’s shoulders, back and thighs. She rubs a hand across Ellie’s back, and helps the other girl redress. “All clear, Doc?” Ellie asks, breaking the silence.

“Yeah,” Dina agrees. “Although, you’re still shit at stitching yourself up.”

“I’ve got you for that,” Ellie says softly.

As long as you don’t leave me again, Dina can’t help but think darkly. She keeps the thought to herself and offers a soft hum as she turns her attention to the bracelet still on Ellie’s wrist.

“I’m surprised you kept this,” Dina says, lifting Ellie’s wrist to look at the bracelet more closely. She can see that Ellie has replaced the string tying the leather straps together.

“I uh, I took it off when I was in Santa Barbara,” Ellie offers freely.

Dina stares at her.

“It- I felt like I didn’t deserve protection,” Ellie says awkwardly, taking her hand back to trace her fingers over the tarnished metal of the Hamsa charm.

Tears prick at Dina’s eyes. She bites at her lip.

“I- I’m sorry if I upset you.”

“Do-” Dina falters as she hears the emotion clear in her voice. “Do you feel like you deserve it now?”

“I do,” Ellie says softly, meeting Dina’s eyes. “It- it makes me feel closer to you.”

“How- how do you share so easily?” Dina asks breathlessly, brows furrowed.

Ellie shrugs awkwardly at her, rubbing the healed bite on her hand. “I- It’s not- easy, but I- I’m trying and sometimes the words are wrong but you- you seem to get it.” She shrugs again.

“I guess I don’t know how to do that yet, with you,” Dina mumbles, turning to wash her hands again and trying to think about how to handle hiding Ellie’s bite.

“Which is okay,” Ellie says, and Dina ignores her.

“Alright, so let’s talk about your bite. Before someone comes in and we get interrupted,” Dina says abruptly.

Ellie nods. “I did a chemical burn last time and it- the pain was fine, but the spot sometimes feels a bit numb and I didn’t want to fuck up my hand.”

“Good call,” Dina says smirking. “We’ve probably got a couple choices, definitely not using a fucking lighter though.”

Ellie smiles sheepishly. “It’s a small bite, I figured I could hide it with a small burn?”

“And then you smartly decided to come to me,” Dina says. “I could try cutting it and suturing the scar to sit differently, or there’s this debridement ointment that we could try. It- It effectively eats the dead skin, and then you can wipe off the gross shit and it’ll be good as new.”

“Okay,” Ellie nods. “Do we have that ointment? Or- what would you recommend?”

“I know we have some,” Dina replies, leaning back against the counter as she looks at Ellie. “It’s slower than surgery, but a lot safer - takes at least two weeks, and then it needs to heal. I’m not sure if the ointment will fully cover the indents from the bite mark… but surgery is always an option if it doesn’t work.”

“Okay, so?”

“The ointment,” Dina nods. “It’ll suck but it’s less likely to fuck up your hand.”

“Okay,” Ellie nods. “Let’s do it.”

--

As Dina leaves her shift, she finds Ellie waiting outside with a bunch of wildflowers and a shy smile. Ellie’s left hand is now securely wrapped in clean gauze. They hold hands as Ellie walks her home and Ellie thanks her sincerely when she is invited in.

Ellie spends the next few hours consumed with JJ, not letting him out of her sight. She seems a bit shy around him still, although he greets her enthusiastically.

She wipes her eyes when she watches him unsteadily stand and run to the bookcase in the corner of the lounge room to pick out a book, laughing when he returns with three choices.

She reads him the same book about ducks four times, the book about trains twice, and the final book about bears once.

Ellie reluctantly relinquishes him when Dina picks him up, “Time for a bath, little man, and then bedtime.”

Ellie watches with a sad smile as Dina starts to walk to the bathroom.

“What are you waiting for?” Dina calls over her shoulder, and Ellie stumbles as she rushes to join them, clearly unsure of herself.

JJ spends half the bath trying to play, splashing water at Ellie as she plays with him, her left hand carefully held away, and struggling against Dina’s soapy hands; the other half he spends drifting in and out of sleep, eyes struggling to stay open.

By the time they put him to bed, he sleepily requests another story and is asleep before Ellie finishes the second page.

Dina lets Ellie read for a while beyond that, her voice quiet. Eventually they both press a kiss to JJ’s forehead as they tuck him into bed.

When Ellie leaves that night, she thanks Dina softly and kisses her cheek. 

Chapter Text

Two weeks pass.

Ellie seems to constantly hover at the periphery of Dina’s vision. She walks Dina home from work after every shift and spends each night soaking in the warmth of JJ and Dina’s company before politely excusing herself after JJ is put to bed.

Dina changes her bandages and reapplies the ointment twice a day, the wound hurting less than Ellie had anticipated. Ellie still hides in long sleeves and jumpers despite the warm weather, but that is due more to how skinny she still is than to any lingering desire to hide.

Dina knows Ellie has been making progress with Ms Thompson, that Ellie felt awkward and stilted at first, but now she looks an extra level of vulnerable after her sessions and her eyes are sometimes still red by the time she takes Dina's hand and walks her home.

Dina knows this because Ellie shares it, willingly and almost eagerly at times.

--

Dina’s watch shifts from the day Ellie returns are markedly different, the most relaxed she’s ever been in the tower, and her partner, Brodie, notices almost immediately.

He waits the two weeks to address it though, as though offering Dina the space to share if she wanted to and then eventually losing patience.

“You look a lot less tense,” he says with a laugh.

“Ellie’s back,” Dina grins, “It stills feels weird, but I don’t have to watch the fucking tree line with bated breath anymore.”

“Good for you,” he hugs her tightly, “I heard she was back, I’m happy for both of you.”

She smiles; Brodie could be a bit of a dickhead sometimes but he was genuinely a nice guy.

“You hook up with her yet?” He asks slyly ten minutes later.

“Seriously?” She asks, shoving him.

“What? You’re so much more relaxed!” He laughs loudly. “I had to ask.”

“I have not,” Dina says with a blush, “Not that you need to know.”

“I’m surprised you haven’t jumped her bones yet, it’s been months since you saw her last.”

“Brodie, I’ve honestly been too busy having feelings.” She thinks of their heated embrace days prior, pink dusting her cheeks. “Besides,” she says, turning her gaze to the trees, “She’s still healing and regaining her strength, I’m not sure if she’d be up for it.”

She knows she’s made a mistake as she says it, Brodie’s face is turning red as he tries to hold back his laughter, eyes suggestive.

“Shut up,” she tells him. “Do not say anything.”

--

“So,” Mrs Henderson starts, handing Dina her customary cup of tea. She settles on the armchair across from her. “How have you been?”

Dina nods, biting her lip as she focuses on her mug. She felt completely settled before the appointment, and with one question she can feel tears pricking at her eyes.

“Would you like to talk about it?” Dottie asks gently.

“I- We-” Dina begins to say, she sighs and takes a sip of her tea. She licks her lips as she tries to find her words. “We’re spending a lot of time together.”

“And are you enjoying spending that amount of time together?” Dottie asks.

“Yes, definitely,” Dina says. “I- It’s just she’s sharing so much with me, being really vulnerable.” Frustration bleeds into her tone.

“Do you feel like she’s putting too much on you?”

“No- she’s just sharing, she isn’t- she’s clearly getting through stuff in her therapy, I don’t- I don’t feel like she’s a burden, or putting it on me to help her-” Dina rubs her eyes. “I just- it’s frustrating because it seems like it’s so easy for her to share with me.”

“And you aren’t sharing with her?”

“Not really,” Dina takes another sip of tea and stops her right leg from bouncing.

“Do you want to share how you feel with her?”

“Yes,” Dina breathes. “I- Fuck… I’m sharing JJ with her, and yet I can’t talk about my own feelings. I want to, and yet I’m silent or I say something stupid to change the subject when she says something head on.”

“Head on like...?” Dottie asks.

“Like telling me she loves me,” Dina says tiredly.

“Okay,” Dottie nods. “Let’s talk about what you would say, if you could say it.”

--

Later in the week, when she finishes a shift at the clinic, Ellie is not waiting outside for her. Dina feels thrown off; Ellie doesn’t owe her anything, but they have settled into a pattern which Dina finds immensely reassuring and comforting.

She dithers outside the clinic for several minutes, wanting to wait to see if Ellie got caught up, telling herself that Ellie is okay, but after five minutes decides to walk home regardless, hoping Ellie will find her on the way. Ellie doesn’t but Katie Anderson does, a sweet woman who had worked in the stables for as long as Dina had been in Jackson.

“Dina, hey,” she says warmly. “I just wanted to let you know your girl is a bit wasted at the diner. I hear she’s been there for most of the day.”

Dina nods faintly, her mind stuttering on the words ‘your girl’ for several moments before processing the rest of Katie’s words. “Thank you,” she says politely before turning on her heel and heading to the diner.

She walks quickly, forcing herself not to run, panic gripping her chest as she thinks about how upset Ellie must have been following her session that morning and wonders why she didn’t come and find her.

Dina bursts into the diner, glancing around anxiously until she sees Ellie facing away from her at the bar. Tommy sits beside her, half sprawled on the counter while Ellie seems to wobble uncertainly on her stool.

Dina takes a deep breath before approaching, trying to calm herself.

“She’s just- like- she’s so pretty- just beautiful,” Ellie hiccups, rubbing her face tiredly. “I love her so much, and she doesn’t say it back-”

“She feels that way though, I’m sure,” Tommy says.

“I just- it’s okay if she doesn’t, I don’t need her to say it back,” Ellie says. “I just feel bad when I say it, but I can’t stop saying it.”

Dina clears her throat, her chest tight with emotion. Ellie almost falls off the stool when she turns and sees Dina behind her, and Dina tries to hide her smirk.

“Dina!” Ellie exclaims, stumbling forward and hugging her tightly. “Don’t you have a shift at the clinic today?”

“My shift finished about fifteen minutes ago,” Dina says softly, trying to stabilise Ellie against her.

“Fuck,” Ellie’s eyes widen. “I’m sorry, I was gonna walk you home- I’ll walk you home now.” Ellie’s words are slurring, and Dina can smell the alcohol on her breath. 

“Sure thing, just give me a sec.” Dina walks around the bar, filling two glasses with water and placing them in front of Tommy and Ellie.

Ellie stands patiently, twisting her fingers and rocking on her feet while waiting for Dina.

She doesn’t seem to notice the drink Dina set out for her until Dina picks it up again and presents it to Ellie directly. “Just drink this and then we’ll leave,” Dina says.

Ellie reaches for the glass but hesitates. “Oh- I- I think I’ve had enough to drink,” she manages to say.

“Ell, it’s water, please drink it.” Dina sighs. She’s both annoyed at Ellie for being this drunk and annoyed at Ellie for being this cute. The injuries on her face have faded now, her cheeks slightly fuller than before, frame still slight but getting more solid as each day passes. And every time Ellie looks at her, she can feel her cheeks start to flush. It’s infuriating.

--

It takes much longer than it should to talk Ellie home, Dina having to carry a lot of her weight, Ellie’s arm slung heavily over her shoulders. It’s only when they are almost to Ellie’s place when Ellie realises where they are headed. “Wait, I’m walking you home, we’re going the wrong way,” Ellie insists, trying to turn them around.

“I’m walking you home today,” Dina replies. “It’s alright.”

When they finally get inside, Ellie faceplants onto her bed and by the time Dina manages to take off Ellie’s boots, Ellie is snoring softly into her pillow.

Dina presses a kiss to Ellie’s temple and slips out quietly. She thinks about Ellie’s words at the bar on the way home. It’s okay if she doesn’t, it’s okay if she doesn’t. How could Ellie doubt how much Dina cares for her? Probably because you aren’t saying anything, Dina thinks to herself in frustration. 

--

JJ lights up when Dina comes home that night, and Dina can feel her heart seize in her chest when she realises he is looking past her at the door for Ellie.

“Not tonight, buddy,” she tells him softly.

---

Dina finds Ellie the next morning, fully expecting the girl to be groaning in bed and hungover.

She knocks quietly and lets herself in, and finds Ellie’s bed empty.

Ellie’s bed isn’t made, but the room seems tidier and when she walks in further, she sees Ellie in the bathroom humming as she does her laundry.

“You’re chipper this morning,” Dina says, resting her shoulder against the door frame.

“Dina, hey,” Ellie says quietly, abandoning her work to try to greet her with a hug. “Look, I’m really really sorry about last night.”

“I expected to find you hungover in bed,” Dina replies, turning away from Ellie’s open arms and heading to the couch.

“You would have hours ago but I think you put me to bed at like 6pm? So like- I slept for a long time and have been up for a bit,” Ellie explains awkwardly. “I- I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to get that drunk-”

“It was pretty stupid of you,” Dina says, her anger starting to slip into her tone.

“I- I know, I honestly didn’t realise how long we were there for,” Ellie says, sitting across from Dina on the low coffee table, knees almost touching hers. “The alcohol went straight to my head and I didn’t really feel it until I was gone- I- I guess I’m more of a lightweight now than before.”

“Well, you have lost a lot of weight and haven’t actually drunk alcohol in a very long time,” Dina says snidely.

“Yeah… look, I’m sorry I wasn’t there when your shift finished. I know we kinda have a schedule,” Ellie says carefully.

“I don’t need you to walk me home,” Dina snaps.

“I know?”

Dina sighs deeply. “I- I don’t want to be, but I’m angry at you.”

Ellie rubs the back of her neck, looking every bit as awkward as she likely felt.

“I- I could tell JJ missed you last night,” Dina says shortly. “You- I- It’s fine if you don’t walk me home every night, I’m a big girl, we’re adults, it’s fine- but JJ is a baby, and he is getting used to a routine with you again and he misses you when you’re not there.”

“I’m never doing it again,” Ellie says firmly, her eyes wet and hands grasping at Dina’s.

“Saying that doesn’t fix things, Ellie.”

“I know.”

“I- You can do what you want but I don’t think drinking is a smart idea right now for you anyway,” Dina says carefully. “Tommy had a lot of problems with it when he came back, and I don’t like the idea of you seeking out another one for yourself… When Katie told me you were drinking, I really thought I’d walk in and you’d be a mess-”

“I was a mess,” Ellie says with a wry smile.

“You know what I mean, Ellie,” Dina says seriously. “I thought you’d be upset, that you’d gotten overwhelmed in therapy or had a panic attack and you were trying to drink the pain away.”

“I-”

“I don’t want that for you,” Dina says softly.

“I- um, I wish I had something better to tell you, but Tommy wanted to have lunch and we had a couple beers with lunch and then I lost track of time…” Ellie pinches her nose, sighing. “We were-” She looks at Dina cautiously. “We were talking about you, and JJ, and- how things were and how they are, and-” Her eyes fall again. “I just,” she shrugs. “I kept drinking, it- like I knew I had had enough but- I don’t know, I just kept drinking.”

“Well-” Dina falters. “That’s just stupid.”

“I know, I-” Ellie hesitates. “It’s dumb, I’m not gonna do it again.” 

Dina’s fidgets with her hands, rubbing her knees in the awkward silence. She’s still frustrated but at herself; Ellie keeps offering and sharing pieces of herself and Dina hates that she isn’t doing the same.

“I uh, I was talking to Ms Thompson yesterday- I- I need to start doing stuff for myself… and not just go to therapy and wait around until I can see you or JJ.”

“That’s- that’s probably a good idea.”

“Yeah and I think I wasn’t really convinced until I woke up this morning with a splitting headache,” Ellie grins bashfully. “I- I know I can be dumb, but I’m trying and I- I’m gonna do better.”

“Good,” Dina says as she stands. “I’ll, uh, I’ll see you tonight?”

“I’ll be there,” Ellie reassures her.

I’m gonna do better too. 

--

Dinner that night is quiet and warm. JJ had insisted on sitting in Ellie’s lap and spends most of the evening comfortably there. Ellie chats easily with Susan and Robin while Dina sits quietly on the fringes of the conversation. Ellie asks her twice if she’s alright and each time Dina nods and presses a kiss to Ellie’s hand.

It’s only after JJ’s tucked into bed that Dina really speaks.

“Can we go for a walk?” She says quietly, almost timid, like she thinks Ellie might refuse.

“Yeah, sure thing.”

They walk quietly in silence for some time, Ellie sucks in a breath occasionally as if to speak and but stops each time. It’s like she knows something is on Dina’s mind.

Just fucking talk to her. 

“I love you,” Ellie says, lifting their entwined hands briefly to press a soft kiss to the back of Dina’s hand.

“I- I-” Dina sighs.

“It’s okay, you know,” Ellie smiles, squeezing Dina’s hand in hers. “You don’t have to say it back.”

“But you know that I feel that way, right?” Dina says quietly. “I do.”

Ellie stumbles slightly, suddenly off-kilter. “I-” She stops to look at Dina, taking both hands in hers now. “You do?”

“Ell, those feelings don’t just disappear.”

“I- You never said anything,” Ellie replies weakly.

“Ellie,” Dina breathes. “I- I know I haven’t been sharing much, that’s my fault. I- I keep trying and getting nowhere.”

“You don’t owe me anything,” Ellie mutters.

“I want to tell you how I feel about you but- it feels like I have the words and then when I’m with you I just don’t want to talk about it,” Dina says. “Which is stupid because I do.”

“What- what would you want to talk about?” Ellie asks, rubbing her thumb tenderly over Dina’s hand in hers.

“I really care about you, and I’m really glad that you’re back,” Dina says, squeezing her eyes shut to avoid Ellie’s soft gaze.

“I-”

“Shut up,” Dina says quickly, letting out a shaky breath and lifting her head to the sky as though closed eyes weren’t enough to avoid Ellie’s eyes on hers. “I- Please let me get this out,” she asks pleadingly.

Ellie doesn’t respond, just squeezes Dina’s hands again, trying to offer her comfort.

“I’m glad you’re back, I understand why you left, I struggled while you were gone, and sometimes- in the middle of the night- I- I wake up and feel like I’m back there- on the night you left-” She gasps raggedly, a broken sound in her throat sounding more like a dry sob. “I- I want us to be something again and I know we’re on our way to getting there… Sometimes when I look at you, although I trust that- that Seattle is behind you, I feel so scared…”

Dina’s hands are gripping Ellie’s tightly now, her arms shaking slightly with the effort and Ellie barely flinches. Her eyes track the tears on Dina’s face, and how Dina’s lips are trembling with her quiet words.

“It’s like- like I’ll turn around and you’ll be packing a bag- and I know you won’t be, I- I trust you aren’t leaving but- fuck, I- I can’t shake the fear in my chest sometimes-”

Dina opens her eyes now, they are pleading and desperate as they meet Ellie’s.  

“It’s like I can’t breathe- like I’m dying-” Dina chokes back a laugh. “And it happens at the stupidest times… like I’m doing the dishes, or at the clinic, or- or-” She drops her head, looking at their hands and frowning as she softens her grip. “I lo-” She trembles as she tries to say the words, trying to breathe normally.

“Dina,” Ellie says quietly. “It’s okay if you don’t say it.”

“I care about you so much,” Dina says firmly, meeting Ellie’s eyes again, her face splotchy and red, and she can taste her own tears on her tongue. “I’m sorry I- I’m so sorry I seem like I don’t, or if you ever doubt it- but, I- fuck, you’re mine, okay?” She says desperately. “And I’m yours,” her voice cracks on the word.

It takes Dina several moments to realise Ellie has wrapped her up, arms tight around her frame, and she can hear desperate wails distantly that she only faintly recognises as herself.

--

They linger outside in the darkness for a long time. Ellie eventually walks Dina home, so late in the night that it’s closer to dawn. Dina’s hand tightens in Ellie’s as Dina leads her inside and to bed.

Ellie feels warm and solid and Dina relishes in the comfort she feels as she curls up and presses herself as close as she can to Ellie.

Dina falls asleep to Ellie stroking her hair.

Chapter Text

Things feel easier after that night. They share a bed but do not address it. Susan and Robin don’t mention it either when they invite Ellie to eat breakfast with them in significantly more rumpled clothes than the night before.

JJ is delighted.

--

They have dinner several nights later with Maria and Tommy, and before they leave Ellie asks Maria about finding work.  

Maria squints at her, sizing her up almost, “What kinda work’re you looking for?”

Dina’s heart is beating quickly in her chest, flashes of Ellie on patrol or supply runs filling her head - Ellie alone outside the wall, Ellie trapped, Ellie running, Ellie getting bitten again, Ellie having a panic attack during a fight and getting hurt- Dina forces herself to take a breath, rubbing at her chest absently. 

“I, uh,” Ellie is rubbing her left hand with her right, fingers tracing the edges of the bandage covering the healing wound, “I know I can fight… I know I’m good at it… but, um, I’d just like to stay in Jackson if that’s okay? I want to help but… I don’t think it’s good for me to be in that situation again… I could help in the fields or the kitchens or-”

Maria cuts Ellie off with a sharp laugh, “You know I’m not letting you near the kitchens.”

Ellie’s cheeks burn but she smiles when Dina takes her hand and presses a firm kiss to it. Dina takes a sip of her water, her hand still trembling slightly despite the relief she feels.

“I’ve got an idea, though,” Maria tells Ellie, “I’ll have to speak to someone, but I’ll find you after I do.”

Ellie nods and thanks Maria as they leave.

--

Ellie finds her after her clinic shift the next day, face red and sweaty, running up in singlet and jeans, all arms and muscle, smelling faintly of sweat. Dina is taken off guard for a moment before she processes Ellie’s words.

“Sorry, I know I’m all gross, but I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t coming,” she pants, leaning over and holding her side. “I’ll walk you home and then go to mine for a quick shower and come back, does that work?”

Dina nods, trying to hide a smirk as they head off for home, eyes still lingering on Ellie’s arms. She takes Ellie’s hand in hers as they walk. “Maria find you this morning, I take it?”

“Yeah,” Ellie grins. “Have you met Mrs Henderson’s husband? John?” Dina shrugs and Ellie continues, “He’s like super big, sunburnt nose, late fifties, doesn’t say much but he’s really nice.”

“And what does he do?” Dina asks.

“He runs the carpentry shop, does like a lot of work with furniture and repairs through Jackson, but he manages some of the housing renovations too,” Ellie says.

“Ah,” Dina says with a hum. “So you’ll be helping him out with his work?”

“Yeah, where I can be useful. I spent today just lugging timber and materials around for him, but it should be good. I’m excited to do something solid, you know? Work with my hands.” Ellie’s excitement is obvious in her voice, swinging their joined hands happily. “Well, you’ve always been good with your hands,” Dina murmurs quietly, laughing when Ellie’s face turns red.

--

Time seems to pass both quickly and slowly from there.

Dina’s shifts at the clinic or the watchtower are both endless and barely noticeable, and the moments she has with Ellie and JJ in the evenings feel both decadent and fleeting, more so every day.

It has been a month since Ellie has returned and the time has been kind to her. She has regained weight that she had started to lose in Seattle, first managing to eat and hold down her meals and then becoming a bottomless pit after days of tiring work. After two weeks of using the debridement ointment, no cysts or dead skin remains; Ellie’s hand is raw and red, but wholly human and starting to heal.

It doesn’t help that as Ellie’s strength returns and she works under the hot sun, she sheds most of her layers. For the first few weeks she was the most bundled up person in the town; perhaps she could have blamed it on the need to hide her bite but she had shared with Dina how cold she felt and how reassuring the warmth of heavy clothes was.

She smiles more easily and gives affection more freely now, and Dina feels like she’s mirroring her. There’s a distance between them still which grows more frustrating as time passes; Dina sometimes feels like an awkward teenager again. She’s comfortable around Ellie half the time and the other half feels like she’s on the verge of becoming a blushing mess, eyes lingering on Ellie’s form, heat unshakable in her stomach and cheeks, and a fear of losing herself in the moment like the day after Ellie returned.

Dina doesn’t feel ready to strip herself bare to Ellie, yet she wants so desperately for Ellie to be laid vulnerable in front of her. Ellie seems grateful for every scrap of affection and affirmation that Dina offers her, her actions coated in timidness that was never present before. Ellie was always awkward and shy in some ways, but consuming and unrelenting when pushed into a corner and baited like Dina so often did.

Dina feels like her memories are haunting her with their intimacy.

--

When JJ first says Ellie’s name it is a bittersweet moment. “Ellie!” He squeals, strong legs carrying him unsteadily toward the door, throwing his arms around her legs until she can remove them and lift him properly. She’s smiling but there’s a hint of pain in her eyes which Dina knows is reflected in hers.

It is not what he should be calling her, not what they had planned, but it’s all she’s being called in front of him, and he’s a baby who doesn’t understand, and his eyes are so bright and innocent. JJ laughs happily when Ellie tells him how smart he is and presses a kiss to his cheek.

She lingers later that night when he’s tucked in bed, stroking his hair tenderly with a furrowed brow.

The image feels like it’s burnt into Dina’s head.

--

Dina doesn’t notice the first or second time she did it, but she does by the fourth time. Definitely.

“You excited to see Mummy today?” She asks JJ, helping him into his shirt one morning.

“Mummy’s here,” she whispers against his head one evening, his face tucked into her neck until he registers that Ellie has arrived and reaches for her insistently.

“This is such a lovely drawing, is it for Mummy?” She asks, taking the crayon masterpiece she’s presented with careful hands.

He nods eagerly, clearly pleased with himself, and pointing to the colours he used and naming them correctly.

“You’re so clever,” she tells him.

She almost slips up in front of Ellie but never actually does; the words feel right but Dina doesn’t feel ready to address it.

--

Several days pass and Ellie finds her on her way to work with a broad smile and a tight hug, lifting Dina off her feet and spinning her which sends a quick flash of heat to her stomach.

Dina is breathless and laughing by the time she finds her feet. “Excited to see me today?” Dina asks.

“I’ve been going through a lot of my boxes of stuff,” Ellie says, a bit more bashfully now. “A lot of Joel’s things as well, and I started reading Savage Starlight last night again, as you do.”

“Yes, of course,” Dina chuckles.

“And issue five was there!” Ellie says with a smile. “Jesus Christ, it made a lot of sense to finally read it all together. There were flashbacks, Dina,” she says excitedly. “Flashbacks! Which explained previous relationships and how Savage had met her best friend, and oh, it was so good!”

Dina nods along with a smile, happy to see Ellie so excited.

“How did you find it? I know it was you,” Ellie asks.

“Out on a patrol one time,” Dina shrugs. “Pure luck.”

“You’re amazing,” Ellie tells her sincerely, looking back down the street and sighing. “I gotta get back to work, I just saw you and needed to say thank you.” She hugs Dina tightly again, presses a quick kiss to her cheek. “So, thank you, it’s great, you’re great, I gotta go,” she yells back over her shoulder as she jogs back down the street.

Dina blinks, watching Ellie for a moment before turning to continue her route to the watchtower in a daze.

--

Dina almost doesn’t mention it, not really wanting to talk about it, but she knows that she should let Ellie know.

“I’m going to pick up some patrol shifts,” Dina says carefully over dinner one night. They are at Dina’s place, but Jesse’s parents are out for the night. Ellie is trying to encourage JJ to eat peas, which he is clearly not planning on doing. She waits patiently for Ellie to address it, knowing Ellie heard her words from the way she stiffens slightly.

“Okay,” Ellie nods, licking her lips. “Come on, Potato,” Ellie tries. “Peas are so yummy,” her tone is enthusiastic, but she does almost nothing to hide her grimace when she eats the spoonful of peas in front of JJ.

“Really?” Dina asks.

“What?” Ellie asks with a laugh. “Peas taste like wrinkles, even JJ knows it.”

Dina rolls her eyes.

--

Ellie lingers on her doorstep that night, seemingly reluctant to say goodnight and head home.

“When- uh, when are you going on patrol?” She asks almost shyly.

“Oh, so you wanna talk about it now?” Dina asks, sighing.

“Nothing to talk about,” Ellie says softly. “You’re- you’re more than capable, we both know it.”

Dina can feel her annoyance dry up in her throat.

“I- I just wanna know when you’re headed out-,” Ellie shrugs, scuffing her feet on the porch. “If that’s okay?”

“The next three Saturdays, maybe a couple odd days here and there, maybe not,” Dina says softly. “Just some routine runs I’m picking up ‘cause Candice is pregnant and going off rotation, and they want Mateo to start on paired patrols, and he’s only 16 so they want a group of three for the first few weeks-” Dina rambles.

“It’s okay,” Ellie says. “I- a handful of runs, it’ll be fine. Just-” She shakes her head and falls silent.

“Just what?” Dina asks, squinting at Ellie when she looks like she might protest.

“Just don’t make a habit of it,” Ellie says in a small voice. “I- I know I can’t tell you what to do but-”

“I’m not gonna make a habit of it,” Dina says firmly. “I told them this was it for the foreseeable future. I’m helping cause it’s Mateo, and he’s a sweet kid, and I know he’s nervous after he lost his brother last winter. But I told Maria that’s it.”

Ellie nods, almost shakily and hugs Dina tightly. “Please be careful,” she whispers into Dina’s neck, pressing a soft kiss there before wishing her a good night.

--

Patrol is routine the next day.

They do the creek trails and Dina’s eyes linger on the route she knows would take her to Eugene’s hideout at the abandoned library.

They take out a handful of Infected near the supermarket; they are spread out enough that Dina and Mitchell hang back to allow Mateo to take them out.

Dina does not fire a single shot the whole shift.

--

The second patrol was just as nondescript. They start doing a deeper check of a mall two hours south of Jackson. They aren’t looking for a fight, just wanting to check out how well-raided it had previously been and whether any areas had been sealed off and contained useful supplies.

Dina spends a long time inspecting the stores; she can hear Laura distantly quiz Mateo on the type of supplies they are looking for while Dina lingers. She both knows and doesn’t know what she’s really searching for.

The group take down a nest of five clickers in the basement and Dina’s hands take most of the trip home to stop shaking.

--

She talks to Ellie about it later that night, and Mrs Henderson several days later.

--

“I have a present for you,” Dina says with a smile, holding her hands behind her back.

Ellie laughs. “And you’re so excited you needed to come find me at work?” They are in the carpenter’s workshop; John is out at the moment and Ellie is dutifully sanding the surface of a large and freshly constructed dining table.

“Do you want it or not?” Dina asks. She’s fresh from her third patrol and shifts to drop her pack and hop up to sit on the table, keeping one hand unsteadily behind her.

Ellie sighs, stretching out a kink in her neck as she holds out her hand with a smile. “Go on then.”

Dina looks at her for a long moment before dropping a folded switchblade into Ellie’s hand.

Ellie stares at it, turning it over in her hand. She presses her thumb against the safety, a soft click sounding as the silver blade slides out. It’s a similar design to her lost knife, the handle a solid black instead of the familiar metallic brown, the blade slightly dull, the blade guards a teardrop shape rather than ovals, and when she presses it shut she notices the closing mechanism is within the pommel rather than the top of the handle.

“I- I found it on patrol this morning,” Dina offers, watching her closely. “I wanted to sharpen it first before I gave it to you but I- I got excited.”

Ellie flicks the switchblade open and shut several times, holding the knife loosely in her hand as she tries to adjust to the feel of it. It looks to be the same size of her previous knife but feels a little weightier.

“I- I know your last one was your mother’s, and this can’t replace that, but- I thought-” Dina tries to explain nervously.

“Dina,” Ellie says with a laugh, closing the switchblade and tucking it into her back pocket. “If this is you flirting with me, you should know it’s working.”

“I-” Dina starts to respond before Ellie presses herself against Dina, kissing her firmly and gripping Dina’s hips in her strong hands. They kiss for several long moments, and just as Dina feels a heat stirring in her stomach, Ellie pulls back.

Ellie presses her forehead again Dina’s, and Dina can feel her ragged breath on her lips.

“Thank you,” Ellie says. “I- uh,” her brow furrows. “I really need to lacquer this table,” she laughs, her face flushed. “I’m sorry, but I need to get back to sanding, its fucking huge and taking forever.”

Dina smiles, hopping off the table and knocking into Ellie clumsily. “I- I’ll see you tonight?”

“Of course,” Ellie smiles.

--

It takes Ellie approximately four days to return to Dina with an injury. She comes into the clinic with a bashful smile and a bloody rag wrapped around her left hand, over the bandages. “Hey, Dina,” she says timidly. “How are you? Got a minute?”

“What did you do?” Dina asks sharply, taking Ellie’s hands and leading her to the exam table. She surveys the relatively shallow cut on the palm of Ellie’s hand, fingertips tracing the healing red skin below it; the old wound is healing well, but still needs to be kept bandaged. Dina can see that the knife cut through the bandages before reaching skin, and the new cut would have been much deeper without them.

“I- I mean-” Ellie stutters, nervously trying to find the right words. “Technically, this is your fault.”

Dina looks up at Ellie warningly. “Try again,” she says, raising an eyebrow disapprovingly.

“No, no, it was definitely my fault,” Ellie nods, dropping her eyes and swinging her feet restlessly.

“Did you- did you do this with the knife I gave you?” Dina asks curiously, ignoring Ellie’s hiss as she cleans the wound.

“Maybe?” Ellie offers carefully.

“You- you’ve had a switchblade for literal years, Ellie. How could you fuck up this quickly?” Dina asks, incredulous.

Ellie only gives her a shrug, refusing to say more. Dina rebandages her hand, covering the new cut. Ellie presses a quick thank you kiss to Dina’s cheek before darting away.

--

It is a couple of days later when it happens. Dina has just finished hanging out the washing, humming to herself as she comes back inside. She had left Ellie and JJ playing with several toy cars, pushing them around the rug in the lounge room, Ellie making relatively inaccurate car noises while JJ tried to copy her.

“I got you something, kiddo,” Dina hears Ellie say, her heart freezing on the word and leaving her stuck in the doorway, feeling like she’s intruding on a private moment.

Ellie turns, stretching to pull her bag closer and take out a small package wrapped up in a piece of folded cloth. “It’s a present,” she tells JJ brightly. “I made it for you.”

JJ claps, crawling forward to sit himself partially in Ellie’s lap and grab at the parcel. Ellie rubs a soft hand over JJ’s back, helping him unfold the loosely wrapped cloth and smiling when he beams at whatever toy was inside.

Ellie presses a kiss to JJ’s temple. “When I was much younger, Joel and I went on a very long trip,” she says quietly. “It had its ups and downs, most things do, but there was this one moment where- where everything was perfect, we-”

Ellie sighs, and Dina can see what JJ is holding in his hands. It is a small carved wooden giraffe.

“Sometimes you just can’t deny the view, JJ,” Ellie settles on, running a hand softly through his hair. “I- we saw these giraffes and I- it was so peaceful I wanted to stay in that moment forever. I kinda feel that way when I’m with you and your mum, Spud.”

Ellie looks up now, her eyes meeting Dina’s with no hint of surprise, like she knew Dina was there the whole time.

“I wish you got to meet Joel, JJ, he would have absolutely adored you,” she presses another kiss to JJ’s head, smiling as Dina sits across for her.

JJ shows Dina his new toy proudly; it has been carefully carved, the outline of the giraffe’s spots daintily engraved into the wood, and it gleams with the lacquer it was sealed with. That explains the hand, Dina thinks.

“It’s a giraffe!” Dina says excitedly. “Did you say thank you?”

“Thank you,” JJ says, climbing up slightly to kiss Ellie’s cheek.

Ellie hugs him tightly to her. “I love you, JJ,” she mumbles.

“Love you,” JJ echoes happily, turning his toy over in his hands. The words fall from his lips like they’re nothing, but they seem to completely daze Ellie. It’s the first time he has said those words to her. 

JJ pulls back to place his giraffe on the floor and shuffle it forward. “Vroom, vroom,” he says earnestly, not noticing the cackle that it elicits from Dina. Ellie doesn’t react, lost in thought. 

They sit with JJ watching him play for a while, the atmosphere sincere and soft, and Dina feels warm with the love burning in her chest. It’s overwhelming for a moment, and Dina’s eyes prick with tears at Ellie’s response when JJ thanks her again.

“Kiddo, I’m gonna make you a whole zoo.”

Chapter Text

The next weekend, almost two months after Ellie’s return, they go to the farmhouse together.

They chat easily as they ride, the farm not very far from Jackson’s walls.

Dina keeps her horse at a trot for most of the trip, smiling each time Ellie pulls ahead naturally and Dina can watch her. Ellie huffs each time she stops to wait for Dina to catch up; Dina blames the small cart attached to her horse’s saddle that trails behind them, and Ellie pretends to believe her.

--

“I loved this house,” Dina says quietly as her horse walks through the gate Ellie opened.

Ellie doesn’t get back on hers, just takes the reins and leads it slowly through the grass and up to the farmhouse. “I loved it too,” Ellie replies. “I’m sorry… I know it was your dream.”

“Ellie,” Dina says softly, “I think you and I both need Jackson… Jesse’s parents, Maria and Tommy, therapists… I think the community is good for us.”

“Yeah,” Ellie agrees, walking over to the lone tree near the house, fingertips tracing the initials she had carved there months before.

“Besides, dreams change,” Dina says softly. She walks closer, leaning against the tree. “We should find a place in Jackson.”

Ellie looks at her, a question in her eyes. “We have places?”

“Ellie,” Dina rolls her eyes, “I love living with Jesse’s parents, I do, but we could get our own place again…” She tugs Ellie closer to her by her belt buckle, arms twisting around Ellie’s hips. “Fall asleep together every night, decorate our own space again, you could have a study, JJ could have his own room… It doesn’t have to be here, we could grow veggies in the backyard… fuck in every room…”

Ellie fights her smile. “You’re such a hornbag,” she scoffs, holding Dina close to her.

“You love it,” Dina says with a soft smile, pressing a firm kiss to Ellie’s neck.

“I love you,” Ellie hums, swaying with Dina softly in the breeze. “It’s a good idea though,” she says softly, knowing not to wait for a response.

“But?” Dina asks, hearing unspoken words hover in the air.

“You ready to live with me again?”

Dina snorts, “Look, you can be annoying at times and you never shut cupboard doors properly, but I’m willing to overlook that.”

“How big of you,” Ellie laughs, “Seriously though… Is this too soon for you? After everything I put you through?”

“Ellie,” Dina says, stroking Ellie’s cheek. “We have a son together… I’m not going anywhere, and I trust you when you say you aren’t either… we can go at whatever pace we want… I know we are still working things out between us but- but we both know where we’re heading… I’m okay with this, if you are.”

Ellie smiles bashfully, “Okay,” she agrees.

When they finally do enter the farmhouse, Dina feels lighter than she thought she would. “It’s mainly just your study we need to pack up,” Dina says awkwardly.

They make quick work of it, Dina putting a comforting hand on Ellie’s back when she notices her trembling and fixated on the guitar case. “We’re gonna restring it, yeah?” She reminds her softly. “It’s about time.”

Ellie nods quietly, scoffing moments later when Dina makes a joke about looking forward to being serenaded by Ellie again.

“Honestly,” Dina insists. “You should have led with that. You could have had me in bed years earlier.”

Ellie rolls her eyes, “I don’t think I could have handled you in bed years earlier.”

Dina laughs until she has a stitch in her side.

There’s a shaky moment when Ellie thanks Dina for leaving behind the clean sheets and pillow for her. Dina feels her eyes sting when she mumbles, “Of course.”

They head home not long after, their chests still light, smiles on their lips.

They reach Jackson before sunset, the small cart full of boxes of Ellie’s belongings and a guitar case slung over Ellie’s back.

--

The next day at dinner Dina asks Maria about moving into a spare house.

There is a quiet pause where Tommy’s eyes drop nervously.

“I can get you a house, we have one free that’s ready,” Maria says softly. “I don’t know if you’d want that particular one though.”

“Which one is it?” Ellie asks, already knowing the answer.

“Joel’s,” Maria replies. “That’s why your old place in his yard was still available. Not many people would want to move into what’s essentially a shed.”

“They used to call them granny flats,” Tommy adds unhelpfully.

Everyone ignores him.

Dina looks at Ellie, “Your decision, Freckles. Would that be okay with you?”

Ellie nods slowly.

“You don’t have to decide now,” Maria reassures her.

“I know,” Ellie says, “But I have… and I think it would be really nice, actually. Another way of being close to him…” She looks over at Dina with a smile, “Is that okay with you?”

“Of course,” she replies, placing her hand over Ellie’s, “It’s a lovely house, and we can make it ours, and it would be nice to be close to his memory… he would have been an amazing granddad.”

Ellie nods, eyes watering slightly, “I’m sure he would have been… he was an amazing father.”

Ellie manages to keep herself together, but Tommy definitely does not. He pulls Ellie into a tight hug and then excuses himself for a moment.

“We could turn your shed into a proper workshop,” Dina says with a smile. “Plant stuff in the garden… Joel’s old workroom upstairs would be perfect for JJ’s room…” She trails off nervously.

“That’s perfect,” Ellie says with a smile, squeezing Dina’s hand. “Perfect. It’s ready now?” She asks Maria eagerly.

Maria laughs, “I’ll get you the keys tomorrow, maybe hold off ’til then.”

Tommy returns, eyes red and focused on his meal. “Let me know if you need help with anything, I’m there.”

“You’ll have to do some work to find furniture for it though,” Maria says, “The whole place was pretty well cleaned out after you packed it up and went to the farm. A lot of the furniture got relocated to new places, and, uh, I’m sorry, but you likely wouldn’t be able to get it back.”

“That’s alright,” Dina says, “We don’t need much, and we’ve got time.”

--

“We’re going to move in together,” Dina says.

“Are you ready for that step?” Dottie asks.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a bit and I’m excited- I- I know we had problems at the farm but that was in our communication, and otherwise we were really happy together and I want to be with her again in that way. Sleep in the same bed, have her be able to be with JJ again properly, as his mum.”

Dottie smiles gently. “It may not be necessary but it would be good to consider having your own spaces within the home, a separate study or workshop where each of you could go to be alone, if you have the room to do so.”

“We’re, uh, moving into Joel’s old place,” Dina tells her.

Dottie nods, a frown curling the corner of her lips slightly. “And how do you feel about that?”

“Ellie has come a long way,” Dina says quietly. “She’s talking about him a lot now.”

“Is that a good thing?” Dottie asks.

“Yes,” Dina breathes. “She- I asked her to talk about him before when we were back at the farm, I talk to JJ all the time about Jesse, I want him to know who his father was. But she never could… and- she’s come so far. She’s smiling and telling his old jokes, wants us to go to the natural history museum he took her to for JJ’s next birthday.”

“So you think you’ll be comfortable in his old house?”

“It’ll be our house,” Dina smiles. “We’ll make it our own. It’s apparently been gutted and cleared out, so we might paint it, and we’ll have new furniture , and it’ll be- it’ll be our home.”

“You’ll have a lot of room as well - his house was quite big from what I remember.”

“Yeah, we’re- we’re gonna make Ellie’s little shed into a big workshop for her, JJ’s gonna have his own room - it’s getting close to when we need to move him into a proper big boy bed - and I’m thinking of starting to garden again,” she laughs almost brokenly, rubbing her chest slightly.

“Are you alright?” Dottie asks in concern.

“Yes, I-” Dina’s hands flex in her lap, her cheeks hurt from the width of her smile. “I’m going to propose,” Dina says quietly, voice determined.

“Marriage?”

“Yes,” she blushes. “I- I know it’s soon but Ellie and I were together for a long time, and she’s been back for a while now and I think this is the perfect way for me to give her the sense of security that I’m really not going anywhere. I’m just- I’m so excited about- about our future together. I- I feel like I can really see it.”

“You’ve been thinking about this for a while I take it?”

“Yeah,” Dina says resolutely. “I have been. I uh, I’ve been looking at rings while out on patrol.”

“Is that why you took those shifts?”

“Not at first,” Dina shrugs. “But the idea has been sitting with me since the second patrol, I- I found this jewellery store and I- I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.”

Dottie nods, she stays silent for a moment to allow Dina to continue. When Dina remains silent, she asks, “And, have you told Ellie you love her?”

Dina fidgets, her smile fading a little. “I- the words keep dying in my throat,” she admits. “I- I love her so much, but I- it’s just- it’s dumb.” 

“I’m sure it isn’t,” Dottie replies. “Are you okay to talk about this right now?”

“I- it’s stupid because I’m literally thinking about asking her to marry me and I- I haven’t even said those words to her since she’s come back,” Dina says softly. 

“Do you remember the last time you said it to her?” Dottie asks. 

“I-” Dina thinks of the night Ellie left. I love you... Prove it, stay… I can’t… “I- I can’t remember the last time I said it, no.” 

Dottie nods. “But you remember the last time you didn’t say it back.”

Dina rubs at her eyes, smiling sadly. “I- I should have said it that night. And- it’s not like I’m thinking about that in the moment, it’s just… I try to say the words and I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack, and I can’t get it out.”

“Just trust yourself,” Dottie tells her gently. “You’ll know when you’re ready, and you’ve made it clear to Ellie you’re committed to her.”

--

Ellie seems nervous later that night when she speaks to Dina later. “I think we should just wait to move in for a bit,” she tells her. “There’s no rush, right?”

Dina is concerned when she looks at Ellie, “Babe, we can, we can wait for another house? It doesn’t have to be that one.”

“No, no, I like it,” Ellie insists, “Can we please just wait a week or two?” Ellie blushes under Dina’s scrutiny, not meeting her eyes.

“Okay,” Dina finally agrees, voice soft. “Whatever pace you want.”

--

Dina’s next patrol, her fourth and definitely her last, is somewhat sombre for her. It’s the final sweep of the mall, they’ve managed to open all the sealed shop fronts and had cleared all signs of Infected the previous week.

She finds herself wandering a now-familiar jewellery store. Most of the displays are smashed, the store relatively well-looted sometime after the outbreak. Mitchell eyes her curiously as she wanders in, but he hangs back and distracts Mateo to give her space.

She’s picked over the selection several times in the previous weeks and she knows exactly what she’s after. Two bands in the back part of the shop, almost identical, silver and simple, likely unfinished in their plainness but they are perfect for her. She’s tried the first ring on; it’s smaller and fits perfectly. She knows the second ring, slightly larger, should fit one of Ellie’s fingers.

Dina’s given it a lot of thought on the ride from and to Jackson and late at night; would Ellie wear a ring on a different finger? Could she still comfortably wear a ring on her left ring finger or would it feel weird or slide off? Would she wear it on her right hand instead? Or on a necklace like Dottie?

Dina takes a breath. It’s her choice, you just gotta offer it to her.

The second ring, Ellie’s ring, will need to work. It’s a silver band, slightly wider than the first, perhaps originally intended as a men’s wedding band, and it has a twisting vine etched into the surface, curling around the band with a handful of small leaves daintily branching out.

Both rings are dull now, but Dina knows they’ll shine with some work.

She is also confident she can get the manual engraving machine to work, especially with the box of Eugene’s old tools now sitting in the garage at home. She packs up the implements she set aside the previous week, hoping to grab anything useful she may need for her work or anything that could be transferable somehow in working with electronics.

“All good?” Mitchell asks, ducking his head around the doorway to check on Dina.

She flushes. “Yeah, of course,” she grins as she starts to pack things into her bag.

“Got plans, do you?” Mitchell teases, eyes falling on the small tray of rings as Dina calmly pours them into a container and presses the lid down firmly to seal it. “Gonna propose to every girl in Jackson?”

Dina scoffs. “I need test rings if I want to engrave something. I’m not gonna fuck up the perfect ring.”

Mitchell grins. “This was your plan all along? Patrol was just a cover to go shopping, wasn’t it?”

“Fuck you,” Dina says, pulling her pack back on and brushing passed him. “Let’s keep going so we can get home.”

--

Dina wakes up early every day for the next week to focus first on getting the machine to work and then practicing her design, until she’s confident she won’t mess up Ellie’s actual ring.

Waking up early to make some progress before going to her work shift is the obvious choice; Ellie is still in the habit of walking her home most days or finding her at home slightly later, freshly showered after a hard day’s work.

It’s partially the effort she takes to act normal around Ellie that makes her so frustrated to see Ellie hiding something from her in return.

Ellie lets her know that her shifts are running later and she’ll be in for dinner by seven, so each night Dina gets a bit further with her work and then fully packs up by quarter to seven in anticipation of Ellie’s arrival.

And Ellie has still been late.

Dina lets it slide three times, accepting each apology gracefully but slightly worried. Is this her pulling away?  

“You doing okay?” Dina asks on the fourth night, sitting on the couch, her eyes on Ellie as she watches a cartoon on the television with JJ after dinner.

“I- Yep, all good here,” Ellie says awkwardly.

“Nothing you wanna share with the class?” Dina asks again.

Ellie turns to look at her curiously, flushing under her sceptical gaze. “No, no, everything’s alright,” Ellie stammers.

“I know you’re hiding something,” Dina says with narrowed eyes; her tone is playful but she knows Ellie can see the vulnerability on her face.

“Alright, you got me,” Ellie says softly. “I- I kinda have a big crush on you,” she admits like it’s something Dina wasn’t aware of. She flashes Dina a cheeky grin. “And now you know…”

This fucking bitch. Dina hits her arm and tries to refrain from swearing at her in front of JJ.

“Mama!” JJ calls, a grumpy frown on his face as he tries to discipline his own parent. “No hitting! Be nice!”

“Yeah, be nice,” Ellie taunts her, trying to hide her laughter.

Dina squints at her, frowning, but decides to leave it for now. She’ll tell me soon if it’s something, it’s fine. 

--

It makes sense the next day when Maria asks her how work is going in the new house.

Dina closes her eyes and tries hard not to smile. “I wouldn’t know,” she replies.

“I gave the keys to her almost a week ago, she looked so eager-” Maria falters. “Tommy was talking about it- She’s started without you, hasn’t she?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” Dina says with a smile. “I- Honestly, maybe she needed the space to herself to go back there. Make her peace with changing Joel’s house. I don’t know-”

“She and Tommy are a lot alike, huh,” Maria says with a wry smile. “Thick-headed.”

“Well intentioned but stupid,” Dina nods with a fond smile.

I love her.          

Chapter Text

Dina often runs into Ellie on her way to work, with Ellie’s shifts usually starting at a much earlier hour. Dina has started changing her route on the way, depending on what she knows about Ellie’s current projects. Dina is sure Ellie knows that most of their run-ins are by design.

Ellie had picked up several farming rotations, eager to help for some reason on the weekends, and Dina, her first Saturday off from patrol, decides to seek her out for lunch. She spent the morning working on the rings, thinking about her conversation with Maria days prior and wondering if the house and Ellie’s new farming shifts were connected.

Ellie is meant to be working on one of the back unplanted fields today, and Dina takes great care in making several sandwiches with the meat from last night’s roast and filling a bottle with some cold water. As she walks over, she is almost excited by the thought of not finding Ellie and then heading to Joel’s house to catch her in the act. She used to complain about farm rotation, it has to be a lie. 

Dina feels a flash of disappointment when she sees Ellie exactly where she’s meant to be.

It lasts for a singular moment before she’s immediately overwhelmed and realises how underprepared she was to see Ellie like this. Her steps falter slightly as she approaches Ellie, her gaze heated.

Ellie is tilling the soil, arms flexing as she works a shovel into the ground to break up the crusted dirt.

Dina worries her lower lip between her teeth, calling out to Ellie as she approaches. “Are you-” Dina asks amused. “Are you wearing overalls?”

Ellie just huffs in reply, wiping the sweat from her forehead with her hand and leaving a faint smear of dirt behind. She tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear and straightens to look at Dina exasperatedly.

Dina just takes in the view. Ellie’s dressed in blue denim overalls, the knees marked with dirt and grass stains, the cuffs of her pants tucked into solid work boots, and a thin white t-shirt damp with sweat, the short sleeves rolled up to her muscular shoulders. Ellie’s hair is up in a messy ponytail tucked through the hole of a loose red baseball cap. Dina hums, eyes lingering on Ellie’s strong arms.

“Look,” Ellie says. “I’ve got a limited amount of clothing, half my stuff seems to have disappeared somewhere.” Her eyes linger on the green flannel tied around Dina’s waist, words unspoken between them still about Ellie’s clothes scattered through Dina’s wardrobe. “I’m taking whatever Maria is able to give me, especially when I’m basically sweating through them.”

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing,” Dina says, hands raised in a placating manner.

Ellie rolls her eyes, turning back to her work, pressing the shovel further into the ground with a heavy foot.

“If anything, it’s working for me,” Dina says, a slight blush on her cheeks as she presses up against Ellie. “I like this look.”

“I smell like hot garbage,” Ellie tells her warningly.

“And I’m sure you’re very thirsty too,” Dina says with a smile, offering her the bottle of water teasingly. “Take a break with me.”

“Of course,” Ellie grins.

--

They eat the sandwiches under the shade of a large oak tree on the edge of the field. Dina makes it approximately five minutes before she’s climbing into Ellie’s lap and pressing her mouth firmly against hers. Ellie’s hands flex as her fingers dig into Dina’s hips, allowing Dina to lead the kiss and faintly protesting that she’s gross and sweaty.

They make out for what could be half an hour before some kids yelling in the distance startle Ellie.

“I- uh,” she pants. “I probably should be working.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Dina smiling, breathless and scratching at the back of Ellie’s neck. “Let’s just keep kissing.” She presses an open-mouthed kiss to Ellie’s neck, grinning as the other girl squirms underneath her.

“Dina,” Ellie says weakly. “I need- I need to keep working, as much I want to stay here-” She groans as Dina bites her neck.

Dina does eventually leave twenty minutes later, desperate for a cold shower or perhaps a quiet moment alone; leaving a rumpled and frustrated Ellie behind her, bruises blooming on her neck as she tries to focus back on her work.

--

“What’s wrong?” Brodie finally asks the next day after an hour of the shift in the watchtower crawls past them.

“Nothing,” Dina shrugs.

Brodie grins, shifting to look at her properly. “You wanna know how I can tell you still haven’t hooked up with your girl?”

“Shut up,” Dina says, rubbing her eyes tiredly.

“It’s cause you’ve managed to go full circle from relaxed to really fucking tense again,” Brodie tells her honestly.

“Shut-”

“Maybe an orgasm would help?” He suggests teasingly.

“-up.”

“You deserve to relax,” Brodie insists. “This can’t be healthy. It has been months.”

“I hate you,” Dina tells him flatly. Fuck.

--

Dina ends up giving Ellie a week from when she spoke to Maria to come clean or address it with her. After that she can’t help herself and heads off to find Ellie after doing only a half day at the clinic. Dina stops by the carpenter’s workshop on the way to check for Ellie and only finds John levelling out a long piece of timber with a hand plane and a watchful eye.

He doesn’t offer much in the way of conversation when she asks after Ellie, just saying she’s not working this afternoon, and from the guilt in his eyes Dina knows he’s telling her the truth, unwilling to lie but not likely to provide more details.

Dina grins as she walks up the steps to Joel’s home, finding the door unlocked and letting herself in quietly. The house is still mostly empty; Maria had definitely not been exaggerating about the amount of furniture missing.

The lounge room is barren but the dark timber cabinetry along the far wall and the fireplace remains. Hooks are dotted here and there along the walls, and she thinks of how much Ellie used to tease Joel over the sheer number of paintings in his collection. Dina thinks about Ellie’s paintings hanging in their place; perhaps she could convince her to do a portrait of the three of them.

Joel’s workbench is downstairs now, standing haphazardly where the dining table used to be. Ellie has packed up boxes of his tools, half-assembled guitars and countless parts sit carefully placed in large bins. She wonders if Ellie plans to finish his projects; she knows Ellie had always wanted to teach JJ how to play.

The kitchen looks the same, just tidier than Joel had ever kept it. Dina runs a hand slowly over the counter as she wanders; she had always thought it was a lovely house.

Eventually she makes her way upstairs, smiling at the thin curtains hanging crookedly on the windows, noting the uneven stitching along what seems to be a crude hem. Ellie’s work for sure.

Dina’s footsteps are almost silent as she approaches Joel’s old work room. The door sits half-open and she carefully slips inside. The room has been transformed, a powder blue covering the walls which used to be a green. Dina is overwhelmed by the sight of fluffy white clouds painted delicately around the top of the walls, soft hints of pink and purple in the shadows. Ellie has her back to her, focusing intently on touching up a cloud that seems mostly finished.

“Yeah,” Dina’s voice croaks. “This makes a lot of sense.”

She can hear the audible thud of Ellie’s forehead as it meets the wall in front of her, before the startled girl whirls around to face her. “Dina!” She exclaims, almost dropping the paintbrush in her hand.

Dina’s eyes trace the splotch of paint now marking Ellie’s forehead, matching it to the smudged section of the cloud behind Ellie’s head. “It was less you not ready to move in,” Dina suggests playfully. “And more, the house not being ready for us?”

“I, uh,” Ellie stammers, blushing. She’s almost holding the palate in front of herself protectively now, and Dina can see traces of paint coating her hands, a stray line on her forearm and some flecks on her shirt. “I- I wanted to surprise you.”

Dina smiles at her warmly. “I would have helped, you know.” She turns, turning around to take in the room.

“I know, I just- I wanted it to be something special,” Ellie says weakly, turning back to the cloud she had been working on and trying to fix it. “I wanted to do something nice for you and JJ, to make up for everything.”

“Ahh,” Dina nods, walking forward to wrap her arms around Ellie, pressing her chest against Ellie’s back. “And what did Ms Thompson think about that?”

“She, uh,” Ellie laughs. “She thinks I need to forgive myself and that it’s unhealthy to always think I owe you something for giving me another chance.”

“She’s a smart lady,” Dina says, pressing a soft kiss to the back of Ellie’s neck.

“I just- I can’t stop thinking about it,” Ellie says softly, turning around in Dina’s arms to hold her “I- you said that dreams change but… I don’t want them to change because of me.” 

Dina hums, resting her cheek against Ellie’s, thinking back to when Ellie first left. “Ellie, I- it took me a very long time after you left to stop thinking about a future where you hadn’t. That future is never going to happen. As much as I loved the farm- and as much as I dreamt about it- I… I loved spending that time with you and we had so many beautiful moments but we weren’t really talking.”

“Yeah,” Ellie whispers, swaying slowly with Dina in place. 

“I- I went back to the farm five times, and it was like a weird form of torture.” Dina presses a firm kiss to Ellie’s cheek, it’s fine, she’s here. “I- I was thinking about a future we could have had while thinking you were never coming home, and I’d never know what happened to you.”

“I-” 

“Shhhh,” Dina says quickly, rubbing Ellie’s back to soften the sentiment. “I- I don’t- I’m not going to think about that future anymore. I don’t think about that future anymore.” She pulls back slightly, arms still wrapped securely around Ellie’s waist. “Not when we have something to look forward to now. A new future, in Jackson, here, in our home, and I-” Dina falters.

“You…?” Ellie asks softly, caressing Dina’s cheek gently. 

“I finally feel like I’m not just- just waiting desperately for some future time when we’re happy… I just- I’m excited about it, but- I’m happy right now,” Dina’s voice cracks, she can hear the emotion thick in her voice but doesn’t realise she’s crying until Ellie gently wipes away her tears. 

Ellie’s eyes are shining too, tears welling up but refusing to fall. She pulls Dina closer again, their bodies pressed together, allowing themselves to linger in the embrace for several long moments. 

“I- I’m sorry I tried to hide this from you,” Ellie mutters into Dina’s neck. “I just want to do something nice for you.”

“We can do nice things together,” Dina says, kissing Ellie’s shoulder. She sniffs, wiping her eyes as she smiles up at Ellie. “Like… you can finish these clouds, which are lovely by the way, and I-” She laughs almost brokenly, “I can fix the curtains.”

“I did my best,” Ellie says with a sheepish grin. 

“It’s okay,” Dina says, “You’re better at other things. Besides, we work better as a team.”

--

Over the next week, Dina diligently fixes each curtain that Ellie had ‘sewn’, finishing the remaining ones and helping Ellie paint their new bedroom. Ellie let her pick the colour out of the limited range available to them. Dina thought the soft green was perfect and did not mention how she thought the colour was close to Ellie’s eyes.

Ellie had shown her the furniture she had scavenged with Tommy from several of the unrepaired houses, most of it now moved into the new house, and she’d seen glimpses of Ellie’s projects in the workshop. John had apparently been a huge help with preparing for the move. Tommy had arguably done the most work outside of Ellie, taking on most of the cleaning duties with a calm smile.

“So… if you were working on the house,” Dina asks one day, as they sit on the window seat in the front room and bask in the sunlight while eating lunch. “Why were you also picking up shifts at the farm?”

Ellie blushes hotly for a moment. “I wanna show you something,” she says with a shy smile. She jumps up quickly and disappears.

“Am I following you or?” Dina calls out frowning.

“One sec!” Ellie yells back, before jogging back into the room. She hands a small cardboard box to Dina carefully, and sits back down across from her. “Go on,” she says eagerly. “Open it.”

Dina grins, lifting the flap to open the box and find several paper packets of seeds and a small bundle of flowering beet stems, the flowers containing seeds that would ripen and could be harvested for planting.

“I-” Ellie scratches the back of her neck. “I thought we could start another garden together, I thought you might be missing it, so I- I picked up the shifts in exchange for seeds.” She fidgets with her hands in her lap. “I’m getting a couple bags of good soil too,” she adds.

Dina lifts one of the packets out, her fingertips tracing the flower petals on the front.

“I- and, um, if I keep doing one day a week for the next couple of months, I’m gonna get three cherry tree saplings,” Ellie continues, her voice is pitching up at the end; it’s a statement but sounds like a question. “I- I thought we could plant them ’round the side, it would get a lot of good sunlight, and- and you’re meant to plant a couple ’cause they pollinate each other or something.” Dina has set aside the box now, watching Ellie with a fond smile. “Um, it’ll take a bit, but we could have our own cherries in, like, four years-”

Dina crawls forward on the bench, climbing into Ellie’s lap, pulling her forward with a firm grip on her neck and kissing her.

The kiss is chaste at first. “I- I know you like cherries,” is muttered weakly against Dina’s lips. Dina groans when Ellie’s hands slip under the back of her shirt, she tightens her grip on the back of Ellie’s neck, tugging at her hair, and sucks on Ellie’s lip when she moans at the feeling.

Ellie is clutching at Dina now, hands groping her ass as Dina turns her attention to Ellie’s neck, pressing hot, open-mouthed kisses against the skin there. Dina’s heart is pounding in her chest, she can feel herself throbbing at the soft noises Ellie is making.

She feels so consumed in the moment she almost doesn’t hear Tommy calling for Ellie. “Ellie?” Tommy calls from the back of the house, as though he’s come in through the yard. “Thought you’d be out back.”

Dina barely manages to pull herself off Ellie in time, sitting uncomfortably wet beside her as she tries to greet Tommy calmly. “Hey Tommy,” she says, forcing a smile. “How’s it going?”

“Good, we got the mattress sorted. Or at least Maria did,” he leans against the doorway to the lounge room.

Dina chugs half a bottle of water trying to distract herself from Ellie as Tommy talks. Ellie is just sitting there, leaning back against the window, hair half fallen out of its bun, cheeks red, a goofy smile on her lips. She doesn’t seem to be hearing a single word Tommy’s saying.

“It’s a queen mattress,” Tommy tells the pair. “Which’ll be much nicer for you two than the twin bed in Ellie’s granny flat.” He grins. “Wanna help me with it, Ellie? We’ve got a plastic tarp for it, so it won’t get dirty bringing it over.”

Dina slaps Ellie’s arm softly when the girl doesn’t respond.

“Uh, yeah, no problem,” Ellie manages.

“Come on then,” Tommy nods. “Let’s do it now before we lose the sunlight.”

Ellie sits blinking absently for a moment as Tommy leaves. She turns dumbly to Dina. “Where- where am I going?”

“To pick up a mattress,” Dina says, pressing a kiss to Ellie’s cheek. “Go on.”

“Oh, okay,” Ellie nods, standing to follow Tommy. “I’ll, um,” she lingers at the door awkwardly. “See you when I get back?”

Dina smiles. “Sure thing, Freckles.”

--

“You know,” Dina says softly. “We could just start sleeping here now.” It’s later that night, and they are stretched out facing each other on the new mattress, which is bare and lying directly on the floor in their new bedroom.

Ellie looks around the empty room in confusion. “We don’t even have a fridge yet?”

“We could use the small fridge from your place. I’m just saying, we have a bed now?”

“But- we don’t have everything we need.” Ellie says uneasily, almost defensively.

“Ellie, are you nervous?” Dina asks gently.

“I just- I wanna do this right, I don’t want you to regret giving me this chance,” Ellie says, rolling onto her back to stare at the ceiling.

Dina thinks about the rings in her room at home; she had wanted to start carrying them but knew she’d lack the self-control to wait for the right moment. This could have been it. “Ell,” she says firmly, hands cupping Ellie’s face and turning it to hers. She presses herself forward, resting her forehead against Ellie’s. “I- I’m not gonna regret this. I want to spend my life with you, raise our son together - this is it for me.”

Ellie is crying by the time Dina’s lips find hers. “I just,” she says softly after several long moments of soft kisses. “I want it to be perfect for you.”

“And I want to fall asleep in your arms every night,” Dina replies. “I don’t want to wait for that.”

“I- I could sleep over like I did before?” Ellie asks, wrapping Dina in a warm hug. “I- I miss you at night too. I’m- I’m really excited for us to live together again.”

“Then let’s move in,” Dina mutters, placing a soft kiss on Ellie’s neck, smiling when she feels Ellie shiver against her.

“This weekend,” Ellie blurts out. “Just- let’s wait for this weekend.”

“Saturday?” Dina asks.

“Saturday,” Ellie nods. “That gives me a couple more days to get things sorted.”

She frowns as she shifts back, deep in thought, and Dina pokes at the crease between her eyebrows teasingly. “Don’t strain yourself,” Dina tells her. “It’s gonna be alright.”

I love you. I love you. I love you. 

Chapter Text

The house has changed drastically by the time Dina brings JJ over on Saturday. Most rooms are sparsely furnished, but there’s a table and chairs in the kitchen now, a single flower in a vase on the table that Dina teases Ellie about. A large dining table and mismatched chairs sit in the dining room. A desk and shelves mounted on the wall near the corner, several boxes of Dina’s yarn and embroidery supplies already placed there for her. 

Dina’s finished embroidery hoops are hanging in the front hall above a new hall table, a painting of a younger JJ a bit further down, and Dina smiles when she notices Ellie’s drawing of Joel sitting on the fireplace next to a newer framed sketched portrait of Jesse that Ellie had shyly presented to her.

JJ excitedly runs from room to room, bouncing on the faded old couch for a moment before running away and asking for a lift so he can gently touch the flower’s petals in the kitchen.

She takes him upstairs; they find Ellie hovering nervously in his room. They’ve covered most of the hardwood floor with a soft rug, a dresser sits in the corner that wasn’t there before, an open bookshelf already half filled with familiar titles, and a new bed lies under the window. The bed is small, child-sized and converted by Ellie into a ‘proper’ toddler bed under John’s watchful eye. It has sides that can be raised to keep him from falling, she had told Dina excitedly the day prior when she finished it, clearly proud of her work.

He asks Ellie to pick him up immediately, spending several long minutes tracing the clouds on the walls with his pudgy fingers.

Dina can’t stop smiling.

She has to stop herself twice from telling Ellie she loves her. Later. Tonight. We’re going to talk. I’ll wait until tonight. 

--

They have Susan and Robin, and Maria and Tommy over for lunch. Susan gracefully provides the food, and they linger well into the afternoon.

“I’m so happy for you, kid,” Tommy tells Ellie as he leaves. “I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you,” she says, hugging him tightly.

--

The house is lined with stacked boxes but neither Dina nor Ellie are in a rush to unpack.

Dina is trying to sort through kitchen stuff when Ellie takes JJ upstairs for his bath. The ring box in Dina’s back pocket feels like it’s burning.

She is running through her words, mumbling softly, trying to practice how to ask Ellie. After JJ’s put to bed, she tells herself, tonight’s the night.

It feels like there was something extra between them today, butterflies restless in her stomach every time Ellie brushed past her or touched her softly. 

Ellie seems a little extra nervous today and Dina is not sure why. They’ve lived together before; they’ve definitely slept together before… although they hadn’t had sex since Ellie returned. Dina feels like she is an awkward teenager again at times, comfortable half the time and a blushing mess the other. Ellie’s worse, she thinks though, especially today. Ellie still skirts around her timidly half the time, letting Dina lead like Ellie is both thankful to be able to touch her and overwhelmed by Dina’s touch.

Dina grins, thinking about their close call with Tommy walking in on them earlier in the week- about the heat she had felt.

Dina is snapped out of her thought when she hears a loud thud from upstairs and JJ’s voice distantly yelling. Hot, acidic panic surges through her and she’s moving before she has time to think.

“Ellie!” Dina yells, running upstairs, footsteps quick and heavy as she runs and bursts into the bathroom.

She finds Ellie and JJ both crying, JJ wrapped in a towel and cradled closely to Ellie’s chest. She is focused solely on JJ, not seeming to notice Dina’s presence, sobbing brokenly as she holds him; she's half-soaked with water and the floor isn’t faring much better.

“What happened, baby?” Dina asks softly, trying not to let her voice shake, the adrenaline still surging through her in waves. He’s safe, she’s safe, we’re safe , she tells herself, coming forward to wrap her arms around them, rubbing JJ’s back gently as he slowly calms.

“I- I- It’s okay,” Ellie’s sobs take a while to fade, and she’s trying to explain brokenly through them. “I- I slipped on the water,” she manages to say, forcing herself to breathe slowly. “Hit my back on the counter behind me, a-and the noise frightened him, I think.”

Dina’s brow furrows, pressing a comforting kiss to Ellie’s shoulder and cooing to JJ. “It’s alright, buddy,” she says, wanting to take him, but he’s clinging to Ellie just as tightly as she is to him. “Are you okay?” Dina asks in concern. “How badly were you hurt? Is your back alright?”

Ellie nods jerkily, “Yeah, fine.”

“Are you sure? You seem really shaken up?” Dina presses again.

“Okay Mummy?” JJ asks, hiccupping, his eyebrows scrunched together.

“Oh,” Dina breathes, looking from JJ to Ellie again with wonder in her eyes.

“Yeah, Potato,” Ellie sniffs. “Mummy is okay,” Ellie reassures him, pressing soft kisses to his cheeks as she bounces him gently. “Let’s get you dry and in your jammies.”

Dina hovers after that, not wanting to take over but not wanting to leave them either. They’re safe, we’re safe, she tells herself, like a mantra, and tries to believe it. They are home now, not running or hiding or lost.

JJ wants four stories for bed that night. It is more than he normally wants, and they can both tell he’s trying desperately to stay awake, drifting slowly through the story and then perking up each time Ellie closes the book. It might be because of his scare earlier, but it could also be the new bed. Ellie is sitting beside him, the side guard lowered, holding the book open so he can see the pictures as she reads to him.

Dina listens quietly sitting on the end of the bed, soaking in the warmth of Ellie’s quiet voice and the sight of the two together. She’ll never get over this feeling. She smiles when she sees the carved figures lined up on the small table beside JJ’s bed, a lion and an elephant now sitting with the giraffe.

She refocuses by the time Ellie finishes the fourth story, JJ still blinking sleepily up at her.

“It’s late, Potato, why don’t you wanna sleep?” She asks him softly, blowing a raspberry on his cheek and making him giggle.

“Story,” he says again.

“Alright,” Ellie agrees easily, a total pushover for whatever JJ wants. Dina watches as Ellie puts the book down, leans back against the wall and smiles softly. “Okay, kiddo, has your mama ever told you that the sun is a star?” She asks, ruffling JJ’s hair softly, “It’s very close to us which is why it looks so different from the other stars…”

Ellie talks about the sun, how the Earth revolves around it and the moon around the Earth, and about the other planets.

“The world is so big, JJ, and the Earth is so tiny when you think about it,” she says, carefully getting up and leaning down to kiss the sleeping boy’s cheek, “And somehow, in all of that, I’m lucky enough to be here with you and your Mama… I love you, Potato.”

Dina wipes the tears from her cheeks before she presses a quick kiss to JJ’s forehead and closes the door behind her.

She finds Ellie standing still on the landing outside the room, a hand running haphazardly through her hair, she looks up with a soft smile as Dina approaches. “He called me Mummy,” she says, still in awe.

Dina feels like she is vibrating with excess energy, stalking forward and kissing Ellie firmly, hands cupping her cheeks. Dina hears a strangled sound of surprise from the back of Ellie’s throat, the soft thump of Ellie’s back meeting the wall, and feels Ellie’s fingers digging into her hips. “I want you,” Dina says roughly against her lips.

Ellie tries to suppress a whimper, redness settling prettily on her cheeks.

“Do you want me?” Dina asks in a low voice.

“You know that I do,” Ellie groans, head thudding on the wall behind her as Dina’s lips trail down her neck, gently nipping her softly every so often.

--

Things seem to slow down when Dina manages to get Ellie into bed, shirts lost on the way, hands drifting over flushed skin, indulging in the slow, lush kisses filling the quiet with soft, wet sounds.

Dina cups Ellie’s cheeks, she makes sure Ellie’s eyes on hers when she says it. “I love you.” Her voice is firm and tender and soft, and Dina can feel Ellie melt at the words. 

Why did I wait so long? 

“I love you too,” Ellie says breathlessly. Dina kisses her again, needing an escape from Ellie’s soft, dark gaze. 

Ellie whimpers into the kiss, hands tightening on Dina’s hips.

“I wanna make you feel good,” Dina murmurs against Ellie’s skin as she kisses down her chest, fingers grazing the zip on Ellie’s jeans.

Ellie looks down at her, desperate and keening under her touch, looking like she’s warring with herself. Just as Dina starts to falter, thinking she’s pushed too far too soon, Ellie speaks. “Can I go down on you?” Ellie blurts out, blush deepening. “Please.”

Dina smirks. “Ell, I’m- I’m literally -”

“Please,” Ellie begs again, eyes dark and pleading. Fuck. 

Dina presses a lingering open-mouthed kiss to Ellie’s stomach, before crawling back up and flipping onto her back beside Ellie, wrestling with her jeans as she tugs them off with her underwear.

Ellie is on her knees now, pulling the pants off Dina’s legs and breathing heavily as she looks down at her. “Fuck, I love you,” she repeats again as she climbs on top of Dina and kisses her softly.

“I love you too,” Dina whispers, her head swimming with the feeling of warm skin as their chests press together. “So much, Ell,” she says reassuringly, moaning softly as Ellie kisses down her neck, “I’m sorry I didn’t say it earlier-”

Her words are cut off as Ellie bites her neck harshly and presses her thigh hard against Dina’s centre. A groan tears from Dina’s throat, her hips jolt and she rolls them forward and up, in a purposeful rhythm against Ellie.

“Say it again,” Ellie says quietly, kissing Dina’s neck soothingly.

“Fuck…” Dina gasps, shivering slightly as wet kisses are pressed down her chest, whimpering at the loss of pressure against where she needs it as Ellie shifts lower. “I love you…”

Ellie is teasing her, taking what feels like years to settle comfortably between her thighs, hands skating up and down Dina’s legs as she watches the muscles tremble. “Again,” Ellie repeats.

“I love you,” Dina almost whimpers. Ellie presses another open-mouthed kiss on Dina’s thigh, close to where she wants her, sucking indulgently as Dina squirms restlessly beneath her .

“I’ve missed your thighs,” Ellie sighs, nuzzling her face against the soft skin there.

“Ellie,” Dina groans warningly, hands balled up into fists that she presses against her eyes as she tries to stay quiet. Please.

“I know, I know,” Ellie mutters, her mouth finally on Dina.

Dina hisses at the contact, throwing her head back and flattening her feet on the mattress, trying to lift her hips higher. Ellie’s hands move to grip Dina’s hips tightly.

Ellie teases Dina with her tongue, Dina trying to demand more as she grips Ellie’s shoulders and holds her tightly against her.

“Ell,” Dina moans.

Dina feels like she’s being consumed.

Ellie doesn’t tease her for long, sucking hard on Dina’s clit as she feels the other girl twitching beneath her.

Dina comes embarrassingly quickly after that, toes curling as she cries out wordlessly.

Dina laughs breathlessly, body relaxing as she comes down from her high, and involuntarily moans. Ellie hasn’t stopped; if anything, she’s going faster.

“Ellie,” Dina says, trying to wiggle away from Ellie’s unrelenting mouth.

Ellie hums against her, sending jolts through Dina’s body.

“O-oh,” Dina gasps brokenly, hips shifting to where it feels best as she concentrates on her next high.

Ellie grins as she feels Dina’s thighs tensing around her head, Dina’s body seizing and bucking under Ellie’s actions.

She gives Dina a moment to rest, shifting to press soft kisses to Dina’s stomach.

“I love you, that felt so good,” Dina mutters. “I love you so much.”

A moment passes where Ellie clearly decides she’s been patient enough.

“ God ,” Dina hisses as Ellie presses two fingers slowly inside of her.

Dina’s hips buck so violently that Ellie has to sling an arm over Dina’s hipbones to hold her still. 

Ellie fucks her like she kisses, firm and achingly tender.

Ellie watches her for several long moments, fingers curling, eyes dark, and then she buries her face between Dina’s thighs again, sucking her clit like it’s her last meal and shoving a hand into her jeans to touch herself desperately. 

When Dina comes the third time, Ellie whimpering against her with her own relief, she feels like she isn’t capable of thought.

“Kiss me,” Dina says, her voice breathless and ragged, she feels like she needs something to ground her, the weight of Ellie above her, on top of her again. “Please.”

Ellie kisses leisurely up Dina’s body, a tender kiss placed on the twisted scar on Dina’s shoulder, before connecting their lips once again and settling heavily on top of her.

“I love you so fucking much,” Dina mutters breathlessly. She groans, trying to stretch. “Ugh, I think you broke me.”

Ellie hums, running her fingers down Dina’s arm delicately and bringing Dina’s hand up to her mouth to kiss softly. “I love you.”

--

“Can- can I ask you a question and you promise not to laugh?” Ellie asks, panting. She’s slick with sweat, thighs still trembling around Dina’s head as she tries to catch her breath.

Dina presses a soft kiss to Ellie’s inner thigh, content to stay here and enjoy the view. “Yeah, of course,” she grins.

“Are- will-” She watches patiently as Ellie tries to find her words. “Would- I’m sorry, I-”

“Babe,” Dina says gently, kissing the scar on Ellie’s stomach as she wriggles up to lie beside Ellie on the bed. “Whatever it is, you can say it.” She strokes Ellie’s cheek gently as Ellie shifts so they’re lying side by side. “I promise I won’t laugh.” Is this why she was nervous earlier today?

“Will you-” Ellie winces. “Will you be my girlfriend?” She seems to wilt under Dina’s stunned stare. “ Fuck, are we girlfriends?” She asks, her voice squeaky on the final word. “I just- I know you love me,” she smiles so sweetly on the word, Dina can feel a tug at her heart, “and I love you, and I think of you like that but- I just wanted it to be clear.” Ellie is rambling and adorable and cute, blushing slightly as she babbles.

Why did I promise? Dina thinks. She’s so dumb, how is she this cute and this dumb?

“Wait-” Ellie begs as Dina starts to get up, a firm hand gripping Dina’s hip and pulling her tightly against her. “You-” She sighs. “You can’t fault me for asking, can you?” She’s bashful now, blush vibrant on her freckled cheeks.

Dina kisses her firmly in response, still tasting Ellie on her tongue and in their kiss.

Ellie kisses back for several long moments before pulling back slightly to look at Dina. “Is it too soon?” She asks.

“Ellie, get my jeans for me,” Dina requests, rubbing her thumb softly over Ellie’s bottom lip before rolling on her back. “Check the pockets,” she adds, watching as Ellie stands and searches dutifully and confusedly for a moment before finding Dina’s jeans thrown in the corner. Dina props herself up on her elbows, watching with a lazy grin as Ellie finds the ring box.

“You want- a box?” Ellie asks her.

Oh my God. “Sure,” Dina says. “Bring it over and have a look.”

Ellie sits cross legged at the end of the bed, opening the box slowly to find the two silver rings sitting inside. Ellie frowns, a finger tracing the vines on her ring softly, and she glances up at Dina and tilts her head, eyes questioning and vulnerable. 

Dina’s throat feels dry and for a moment she feels genuinely nervous. She shifts to sit across from Ellie, so close their knees touch. Ellie’s hands are trembling in her lap and Dina cups them in hers. 

“I love you,” Dina says firmly. “You are a- a deeply wonderful person, you’re beautiful and you make me laugh, you’re an amazing mother, and I know we’ve been through some really fucked up shit and so much has been thrown at us. But I know we belong together, and I know that I want to be with you for the rest of my life. And- I’m pretty sure you want that too.” 

Dina wipes at her eyes, pausing for a moment to force herself to breathe. 

“Will you marry me?” 

“ Dina ,” Ellie says in a voice so small it makes Dina’s heart ache. “Are you sure ?”

“I’ve never been more sure in my life.”

“Then yes,” Ellie says. “Of course,” she shakes her head and rubs at her wet eyes. “This is everything I want. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Dina kisses Ellie softly, as Ellie takes the larger band from the box and traces the twisting vine leaves with her fingers. “I- I’m not sure if you wanted to wear it on your other hand, or a different finger or-” 

Dina can see the exact moment Ellie’s eyes find the inscription on the inside of the ring. 

Ellie places the box beside her absently, lifting the ring closer so she can squint at it in the low light of the room. Dina knows exactly what she’ll find, in careful and slightly shaky cursive. E.W. & D.W. with two small hearts on either side. The hearts were the hardest, trying to make them even, she’s still a little disappointed that the right one is slightly crooked. 

“D… W?” Ellie asks, looking up questioningly at Dina. 

“Yeah,” Dina says breathlessly. “I- uh, for- for Dina Williams.” Ellie is still for a long moment, and Dina feels like she can physically see Ellie processing that concept. 

“You- I’d-” Ellie struggles to find her words. Ellie fidgets with the ring, taking it gently and sliding it onto her left index finger. 

Dina takes her hand gently, waiting for Ellie to find her words. 

“ I love you so much , it’s- I-” Ellie looks up at her, cups Dina’s face gently in her hands and pulls her forward into a sweet kiss. 

Dina loses herself there, somewhere in the embrace, warm skin and tender kisses, shifting to lie down together again, her hands brush endlessly across Ellie’s back and slides, groaning as Ellie bites at her lip, legs tangled together, she can feel the cold ring on Ellie’s hand where it sits on her cheek. And it makes her ache.

She doesn’t know how long they lie there kissing, indulging in the softness of the moment. Dina feels heat stirring between them, she pushes Ellie onto her back, moving to straddle her, and kissing down her neck languidly.

 Ellie groans, shifting to reach behind her back like something was bothering her. 

“You okay?” Dina asks, propping herself up again. 

“Yeah, something’s just digging into my back,” Ellie says. She pulls out the ring box, and when she realises what it is she smiles softly. She opens it again, taking out the second ring and laughing under her breath. She holds it up, offering it to Dina with a cheeky smile. “So… does this mean you’ll be my girlfriend?”

Dina holds out her hand, smiling as Ellie gently slides it onto her ring finger. 

She leans in close to kiss Ellie softly, and whispers against her lips, “I’ll be your wife and nothing fucking less.”