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on was like the sun. He was always smiling and happy, he brings hope and happiness to the people's lives. He was darkness, he was trained to be an assassin. 

He was lucky that Gon was his friend but still he wanted to be more. He wanted to be his boyfriend. He suffered so much when he discovered that he had fallen in love with him, a voice inside him told him that he will never be love back but still he asked himself if maybe he has an opportunity. 

Gon was broken, his father Kite had died and he was tortured before, he had been a long time hurt but yet he still tried to have hope, but he ended becoming crazy and killed Pitou, he was so powerful that his power almost kills him. He couldn´t let his best friend died so he uses his sister to heal him. When he finally woke up he was so happy.

 
"Killua, I'm so sorry." Killua felt so sad when he saw Gon crying. "Don't worry, its not your fault. You saved a lot of people when you killed Pitou, everything will be okay if we are together. " Killua hugged Gon and he wished that he could be with him forever, he could make it happen, he thought. 

He felt jealousy, he wanted to kill everybody. Gon was again surrounded by people, hugging them and the worst part was that he met his father. He was expecting that at any moment Gon will tell him that he didn't need him anymore now that he was with his father. He was so distracted hating everybody that he didn't realize Gon was missing. Worried he looked until he found him outside, he was sitting and he could see that he had been crying. "Killua, I lost it. I lost my nen. I'm useless and if something happens I will not be able to help anyone. I can't lose my family or my friends, I can't lose you." Killua was going to tell him that one day his family told him that nen was like the energy, it can´t be destroyed, you can never lost it, but when he saw Gon so vulnerable he had an idea. "It doesnt matter, I will protect us and everybody you care". Gon hugged him. He felt so good that he didnt feel sorry for lying to him.

They were in a hotel, they decided to stay there while they think about what they could do. Killua was looking at Gon, with eyes full of love and desire while Gon was talking. "I was thinking that we have a lot of options, we can travel around the world, or we can go back to whale island, maybe we could go and see Kurapika or stay here with the other hunters and Leorio, and if she wants Alluka can come too. " Killua felt anger again. He didn't want to share Gon, Gon is only mine, Killua thought. He didn't want to share him with his sister, or Gon family and friends. 
He grabs Gon by his hands. Gon shut up. "Killua ....." Before Gon could ask him what was going on he was kissing him. Killua felt so happy, his dream was coming true. Gon broke the kiss. "Killua, I love you but I don't" "Gon, I deserve it". Gon felt guilty, he was right. Killua had done so much for him, but he wasn't ready, he felt sad and he had dreamed for a long time about him kissing Killua, but he wanted that occasion to be special, but he was afraid that if he said no Killua will leave him and he didn't want that. He kissed Killua back. 
Killua felt pure happiness. Gon felt lonely and afraid and sad and guilty, He had lost Kite and his nen, he couldn't lose Killua too. 

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Gon was alone in a hotel room. Killua had told him to wait for him there and he had obeyed. He felt afraid, maybe Killua left him. He felt his heart beating fast and it was difficult to breathe, it had been days since Killua spent hours outside and didn't tell him why. Suddenly, he listened the door opening. When he saw Killua he ran to him and hug him. "Killua, I missed you so much! Where did you go that took you hours to come back?" Killua kissed him on his head. "Don't worry Gon, I will never leave you, I was outside because I had been looking for a gift for you. Follow me. We are leaving." Gon did what Killua ordered him and when both were on the street walking he asked, "Where are we going to sleep?." Killua grabbed his hand a bit tight. "Trust me, after you see my gift you will understand everything". Gon doubted a bit, he wanted to ask something, but he was afraid that Killua will get angry, the past days he had been more angry than normal and Gon was nervous. "After I see your surprise, will you explained where have you been the last days?. " Killua stopped for a moment, Gon expected that Killua will yell at him but to his surprise, he was smiling. "Of course, now close your eyes, I will put a bandage on you." Without being able to see Gon used his senses to try to found out where they were going, they had been walking for one hour and the city noises disappear. He smells the grass and he could hear animals on the environment. They were probably in a forest, but why? 

"We are here, you can see now." Gon took off the bandage and blinked several times to see in the darkness. In front of them, it was a house. A big and beautiful house. "Do you like it?". "I love it!" Gon wanted to ask a lot of questions but he didn't know where to start. "I had been outside the last days because I was negotiating with Illumi about receiving the money that grandpa Maha left me. In the beginning, it was difficult but after several times I tried Illumi accepted. You don't have to worry about the money Gon. I will take care of both of us". Gon felt so happy, he thought for a moment that Killua had killed someone to earn money but he believes in him and he knows that Killua left a long time ago that life. He kissed Killua on the check. "Thank you. Let's go inside!". Killua smacks him on the bottom, the boy just chuckles and Killua could see that his face was red. "I will follow you in a moment, I promised Illumi that I will call him, it will be fast". Gon kissed him on his lips this time and entered the house. 

Killua called Illumi "Brother, I'm happy about our deal and because you are finally accepting the fact that you are a killer". Illumi told him with his cold and monotonous voice. "Do you plan to take another job?" "No, I will take some days free. " "I don't like the fact that you are with Gon, it's bad that you have friends, I think that the best solution will be to kill him" Killua was furious. "Don't you dare to touch or even see Gon because I will kill you, just because I asked you to help to find clients that pay enough money it will mean that I love you or that I will be your sweet little brother, the only person I care about is Gon and I'm doing this for him. Goodbye brother, don't call me. And to make the things clear, Gon is my boyfriend now" and then he hung up.

It is the second lie he had told Gon but he doesn't feel guilty. It doesn't matter if he kills people, he did it in the past and it doesn't bother him anymore. He entered the house, he finds Gon sitting on the bed. His face brightens when he saw him"Killua, it's the most beautiful house." It is, he had made Alluka draw the ideal home and then he decorate the house, it should have been easier if he had brought Alluka to the house but if it will mean that another person will know where Gon is staying and he cants let that happen. "I looked at the house  and I found some chocolates, if you come fast I will feed you, and if you don't then I will eat them all!" Killua didn't waste time, soon he was on the bed with his head on Gons lap while his best friend and boyfriend feed him. Killua felt like he was in paradise. 

Later, they were both asleep, Killua was hugging Gon while their legs were linked and sometimes he could feel Gon ass against his member, it was hot but he decided to wait. It was the beginning, later they will become more intimate. Gon was peacefully asleep and Killua closed his eyes too. "You are mine". He said before falling asleep. 

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Gon is in a mirror room and he is so afraid, every time he looks at one he sees the reflection of someone he loves, and they tell him the most hurtful things.

"I´m dead for your fault, I tried to protect you and that cost my life and just because you were weak, you became powerful when I died but it doesn't matter, you didn't save anyone and now you're useless, you have no value". Kite was right, it was his fault. He wanted to tell him that he wishes that the one that died was him and he would die instead of someone else, but his death will be meaningless just like his life.

Kite disappeared and in his place appear his father. "I'm happy that I let you, are a nuisance and everybody knows it, and soon Killua will let you too". He was right, he just brings trouble to other people's lives. 

"We are not friends, that is the reason why I didn't visit you at the hospital, we wish that you will die." Kurapika, I thought that we were friends! Gon tried to say but from his mouth didn't come a sound.

Leorio, Aun Mito, Wing, Zuchi, Pokkle, Ponzu and every person he knows, care and love told him the truth, he was loveless and he deserves it. He has no value and he is unworthy of love and even to live. 

In the end, he saw Killua. "Please Killua, I'm begging you don't let me!". Gon couldn't avoid the tears falling. "The only reason I'm with you is that I desire you but soon you will bore me, you cant kiss me or touch me. How are you expecting me to be with you if you are so selfish that you cant make a sacrifice for me, I gave you everything and the only thing that I want from you is your love but you don't want to love me.". 

The mirrors broke and every piece of glass fall on Gon and soon he was bleeding but he didn't feel pain, he just saw red emanating from his body. "I wish this is my end". Gon whisper before everything went dark. 

That was the worst nightmare Gon´s ever had. The worst part was that when he woke up, he was alone. Killua was nowhere to be found. He was feeling like he was drowning and he couldn't breathe.

 He started imagining that it is how it could feel if he loses Killua. 

After a long shower, he decided to change some things about him that could make Killua go away. There were two important things...Food and sex. 

The first one was easy, aunt Mito taught him how to cook, and every time Killua arrives at home he would have the best dinner ever, every single day. 

The last one he was nervous, he was truly sure that he loves him and he always knew that his first time he wanted to do it with him...Just not too soon, but the mere thought of being alone was enough to decide that the priority was to satisfy Killua. He will make some sacrifices to makes him happy. Writing quickly a list he left the house to buy food, chocolate, and condoms. 

If he had waited a little bit longer he will have been at home when Killua arrived. 

Killua was angry, when you come home you are expecting to be with the one you love, not to be alone because a certain person disappears. He waited and every minute he was angrier, if he called someone else they will ask where are they and he is not gonna say it, the only option he has was to wait for him till he comes back. It only passes 30 minutes but to Killua it was 3 hours when the door opened. Gon entered holding some bags. When he saw hi he smiled as nothing happened.

"Hi, Killua!" He dropped the bag on the table and hug and kissed him. "I went to the store to buy ingredients to cook. Did you eat already?" Killua nodded and for a moment Gon looked sad but quickly he put a smile on his face. "Close your eyes!" Killua´s anger was slowly fading and he obeyed. "Now open your mouth!" When he did it he soon tasted the flavor of chocolate, it was his favorite. "You can open your eyes."

Fuck his anger, he can think later about his punishment, but for now, he would enjoy Gon. Gon was beautiful, his eyes were shining and his smile was big. He looked so happy. Gon held his hands, although his hands were cold, Gon hands were warm. "Let's go to the bedroom!". 

Soon they were on the bed, Gon was nervous but he decided to hide his doubts kissing his boyfriend. Killua was enjoying the kiss but it ended quickly. "I want to do it. Killua I love you and I'm ready to do it with you, I went to the store and bought condoms and lube because I´m sure that I want to do it tonight". Killua's heart was beating fast, he always dreamed about this moment and it was in his plan but he wasn't expecting to Gon take the initiative. Smiling he continued kissing Gon and took off the clothes that were an obstacle between him and his lover. Gon was avoiding looking at him and his hands were on his lap trying to cover himself. Killua with one hand grabbed the hand of his lap and with the other one, he took Gon chin and made him look at him. "Look at him and don't close your eyes". 

Gon had never felt so vulnerable. He adores Killua's eyes, they were sweet and cold at the same time. "What do you want to do?" Killua asked with a glint of mischief on his face. "I want to do it with you". The boy laughed, "I heard you but you have to be specific and don't make me ask a second time". Gon felt scared but he didn't know why. Killua was his best friend and boyfriend, he would never harm him. "I want to have sex with you". 

He knew that Killu wanted to hear more and remembering his nightmare and the risk of losing him was a possibility he said it all. "I want to have sex with you, I want to kiss you and feel you inside me. I want to feel your mouth on every part of my body and to hold me. I want everything". Killua looked satisfied with his answer and he did every single thing he wished. 

At the end he was happy and sad, the experience was painful but at the same time full of pleasure, it was their first time and some moments they were confused about what to do but it was worth it, Killua was gentle at the beginning but later he was rough, even Gon said that there were some condoms Killua came inside him, that hurt Gon but fast he buried the feeling inside him, the only thing that mattered was Killua and if he wanted to cum inside... he can. 

Now, both of them were sitting on the bed, watching tv and eating chocolate. Killua was looking at him with adoration and love. Gon kissed him. "Promise me that you will never leave me". Killua saw at him with shock, like it was the most foolish idea ever, Killua punched him. "Don't be idiot, I will never do that and now you have to promise me the same!". Gon smiled, he felt so happy. "I promise it, we will always be together!". 

Of course, we will, Killua thought. 

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It was an unforgettable night. He always dreamed about this moment, but now that it was real and not fantasy was enough to make him want to scream at the whole world what he had done. 

The only problem was that he needs to punish him because he left, but he will be merciful because Gon took the initiative, and he has the best idea. 

He left carefully trying to not wake up the boy sleeping next to him. Before he walked outside the room he admired for a moment the beautiful face of his boyfriend. 

Gon was sad because when he woke up he found himself alone in the bed. Killua was nowhere to be found in the house but he was not worried, he will come back because he had been a good boyfriend.

He was right, before the hour passed Killua came back home carrying a bag. Gon jump when he saw him and run to kiss him. 

"Good morning Gon.  I bring you a gift". 

Gon was happy, he loves gifts! 

"You didn't have to do so. I am happy that you think about me but I am not worthy of spending your money". 

He didn't realize that he was staring at the floor until Killua's hand left his face and he was staring at those ocean eyes. 

"Gon, you deserve everything. Besides, this is something that is gonna help our relationship. Open the bag and I will explain it to you".

Gon did it and he found inside... A collar.

"This collar meant that you are mine. You are gonna wear it all the time, even when you are outside, only I can take it off. This collar means that I love you, and I am giving it to you because I adore you. If you make me angry I will hide it and you will not be able to use it. Do you understand?" 

Gon nodded. He felt so loved. "I promise that I will never make you feel sad or angry, I will obey every order you give!"

Killua smiled. "Of course you will, now come". 

Killua was the happiest man alive. Gon looked beautiful with the collar and to celebrate the new phase of their relationship they had sex, where Gon demonstrated that he truly meant his words and followed every Killua wish. 

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Gon was happy, he truly was, but there were somedays in which it seems like he was trying to convince himself and he didn´t understand that feeling. He often feels angry, sad or tired and it makes no sense, he has a beautiful life, the house is beautiful, and the best part is that he is with Killua, his true love..But the feeling doesn´t vanish. 

He thinks he feels isolated and alone. Everytime he wanted to spend time with his friends and family he couldn´t because Killua would got angry and he hated to make him feel bad, he was always so good with him and he was just acting like an ungratful brat. After a while he stopped talking about it and occasionaly he would escaped to make a quick visit to someone, he detested hiding and lying but he felt like it was the only option. 

He try to be a good boyfriend. He pleases him when he arrives at home, sometimes when he was working he would send him pictures of himself just to makes his day better and of course he let him do whatever he wants when they kiss or have sex. Frecuently he cries during sex. He pretends that it is due to the physical pain, and it seems to make Killua horny, he just loves to make him cry, it seems like he is into that. 

Gon feels horrible. His whole body is in pain and he is not able to remember what happened last night. He looks around the room trying to remember. He is in bed naked. That it is not weird, sometimes he enjoys sleeping without clothes. Next to him is Killua, he is still sleeping and he is naked too. Now he is sure that they made love last night, that will also explain why he is hurt. The bed is a mess and on the table are some bottles of alcohol. He came to the conclusion that they drank too much and then fucked. But there was something that it was hard to explain, there were some flowers and a beast plush. They were probably Killua gifts. That was cute, it was not a special day and still his boyfriend was nice to him. 

The next step was to analyze his body. Everything was normal, bruises, bites and scratches. Nothing odd. Suddenly, he saw what he had in his finger. Do it was a ring? His heart started beating fast. He was trying hard to remember how that thing ended in his finger. 

All of a sudden, he felt a kiss on his cheek. "Beautiful isn´t it?" Gon didn´t answered. He was trying to find a way to ask him about the ring while his boyfriend gave him kisses along his neck. When he noticed his serious face he asked him "Are you alright?". He didn´t want to worry him so he decided to lie. "I just feel a bit tired thanks to the alcohol, do you feel bad?". Killua laughed. "Gon, don´t be idiot. Why should I feel bad if I didn´t drink?" Gon froze. Killua had sex with him while he was drunk, and he was sober. He feels betrayed, he feels...sad. Killua hug him. 

"I am so happy that you accepted me. It is the happiest day of my live, I don´t know why I never thought about marriage before but I saw the ring and I knew that we belong to each to other, it was a great the idea of marrying instanly. I love you Gon, and since now we will always be together". Killua kissed him, the kiss was tender and full of love. 

Gon was lying in bed waiting to Killua to finish taking his shower. He accepted to marry with Killua, while he was drunk and they married that night. He doesn´t know how but it was probably thanks to Killua influence. 

The idea of a wedding was not new or bad. He just wished that he could remember, he used to dream about having a wedding maybe in the forest and they will invite their family and friends. 

Being married with killua was beautiful, but...Why it feel like he is trapped? 

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Gon had made a mistake.

He was feeling down and he decided to visit aunt Mito. He didn't realized he was feeling...trapped until he was talking with his mother.

He loves Killua but at the same time it  was a bit exhausting to be loved by him, sometimes he feels like Killua wants him just for him. He didn't let him be with other people or talk with them. When they are together everything is great but when Killua leave (He never says where) he feels so sad and alone.  He spends the days with the animals but he missed his family and friends. 

For the first time he didn't talk much, he didn't want to give details to Mito about their relationship so he just said they were fine. Mito was so happy to see him. " Palm asked me to have dinner with her." She was so exited, it was obvious that she likes her and for the first time Gon forgot about his problems, he was so happy about her finding someone that loves her. 

When he left it was already dark, Killua was already in home and Gon was afraid. His body felt heavy and his heart was beating fast. He wanted to run and hide. He regreted not being a good liar, it would had been easier to say he was in the forest. Why he needed to lie?

Killua had beautiful eyes, they were so good expresing his feelings, they could be gentle and funny and dark. He had the eyes of a killer. In that moment, his eyes were cold. 

"You finally came. Where were you?" 

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Gon heart was beating fast. He had never felt this way before, he was dizzy, he felt like he was outside his body and one part inside him wanted to die. 

Breath Gon, he was telling to himself. You can handle the screams and the beatings, after all it doesn´t matter some harsh words or some hits, he had survived worse things. But for some reason the fact that It was Killua made it worse. It was different that when he fought agains enemies like Pitou, he was ready to defend himself but with Killua it was other thing. He felt inferior and that feeling was frightening and made him feel sick.  

"Gon, come here". The boy obeyed and walk where his partner was. He was afraid of looking at his eyes. "Take off your clothes and stop avoiding the gaze". He was confuse but he did it. "Now come and sit in my lap". He was shaking but he was grateful that Killua couldn´t see him, that way he would not see his tears. One hand was playing with his collar while the other one was touching his legs and hips. "What did I told you about following my orders?".  

"Alway do what I told you" The fear and pain was obvios on his voice and he knew Killua realized about it but he didn´t care. 

"I don´t understant how you can disobeyed me knowing that I am the the only one that loves you. Your own father left you, Leorio is busy with his studies and Kurapika didn´t visit you in the hospital when you were dying. Every person you met they left you except me. But you are lucky that I am someone good, I will be sweet to you and I am gonna give you another oportunity, you can keep the collar". Gon felt happy. Killua besides him smiled. "Ask for mercy...On your knees". 

Gon turned around and sat on the floor, with his head touching it. "Please forgive me Killua!". 

For one moment his partner didn´t answered, Gon only look when he heard the sound of cloth falling. Later he felt his hand on his neck, his sharp nails cutting him.

"Show me how bad you feel my darling". 

Gon knew what he had to do and he felt disgusted, he remembered the first time they did it. It was not that he didn´t like to be with Killua but for some reason it was like he had no option, he felt impotent and vulnerable. 

Ignoring his emotions he started doing what Killua, his lover and owner wanted.

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The following days were calm and relaxed days, Gon felt like when they had just started dating, when everything was pure love and sweetness. He wondered what had happened, he hated herself for harboring feelings other than appreciation for the person he wanted the most. What kind of monster was capable of fearing someone who had always been there for him? Killua deserved someone better than him but he was selfish and was glad that of all people, he had chosen him.

He looked at his boyfriend who was sleeping next to him and with his hand he caressed his soft hair like the moon, he was so handsome and he loved every part of him.

His hands, which caressed him as if he were the purest thing in the universe, memories came to his mind of when he had slapped him a few days ago for being distracted and when he asphyxiate him during sex even though he had asked him that night he simply wanted to make love sweetly.

He turned to see his lips, but instead of thinking about how he kissed him as if he were the most precious person, or how he constantly repeated that it was his, he thought about how that mouth would come out insults that hurt him or how he would bite his body roughly and then he excused himself saying that it was just another way to have sex.

Suddenly, he felt a sensation that since they lived together he has been experiencing often. His heart was beating fast, he felt as if he were out of his body, and in his mind memories that terrified him began to appear, his mind screamed that something horrible was going to happen and everything would his fault.

Looking at the ceiling of his room, an idea came to his mind that gave him both dread and peace.

What if he escaped?

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When the idea of escaping happened appeared for the first time in his mind, he rejected shocked, but as time passed he became more comfortable with the idea. He sat with the door open dreaming of getting up and leaving but the thought of leaving there kept him paralyzed and in the end, he closed the door and locked himself in his room. When he mustered the courage to leave the house he would take a few steps forward and then come back terrified but at the same time, it was so liberating to get away a little more each day.

No book told you the correct way to escape. He didn't know if he should take something or leave everything. Did he leave a letter or did he just disappear?

In the end, he only left a short note in which he apologized to Killua for not being what he deserved and for being ungrateful and unhappy.

He thought about visiting Mito, or looking for his parents again and even visiting Leorio and Kurapika but in the end, he decided to be alone for a while.

He traveled the world and had so many adventures, he met places and people and never stayed several days in the same place.

The first days were hell, he fought against the temptation that told him to come back even if it was on his knees with Killua but a voice inside him reminded him that he had promised not to return there, every day he wondered if that voice inside him loved him or hated it.

Gon didn't use to cry but he felt bad every day, he felt so lonely because he didn't have Killua, Kurapika and Leorio were far away as was his father and all the people he remembered fondly were not around. Loneliness affected him too much and that is why he sought to have relationships with other people, although at first they were friendship relationships and help came the day when he had his first lover. At first, it was just kissing, although they were no longer together he felt that he was betraying Killua by being with others. Guilt and loneliness were what led him to kiss that boy one night. He never repeated the experience with the same person, it was always something different. A year later he was finally encouraged to have relationships with someone else. The first had moon-like silver hair, the second loved chocolate, the third liked to play with a yo-yo. He pretended to be foolish enough not to realize that if someone reminded him of Killua then they would end up together.
It turned out there was something that both Gon and his father had in common, they were both very good at hiding. 

It took Killua two years to find him. 

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Killua wondered if emotions could kill someone if sadness and jealousy were enough to end a person's life. After a week in which he spent his time in bed unable to move, he understood that desolation did not kill, but it did cause you to murder, and that was when the rage came. He first said that he would kill Gon, a threat that he knew he would not carry out because he could not imagine a life without him, Gon was his soul mate, it was his reason for living, but  he would kill the person who dared to take Gon  away.

He took the note that he left and crumpled it up before tearing it up and throwing it away. He never believed that he would hate a piece of paper so much. He did not understand the meaning of those words. Was he unhappy next to him? What does he have to do to stay with him forever? What does  he need? Gon didn't understand he was the sun that gave him heat, he was the oxygen he breathed, the water he drank. Without him, he was nothing and it was not worth living.

He searched every place he could and even used the resources of the Zoldyck family to locate him and it still wasn't enough.

The first day he couldn't sleep thinking about the possibilility that he was injured but his Gon was strong, surviving the chimera ants was enough proof that he was strong and he would not die so easily. 

The days went on and it got worse and worse.

He could only sleep a little if at night he hugged the clothes he had left behind as a substitute for his presence, his side of the bed smelled of the blackberry shampoo he used and despair invaded him when little by little when the smell was disappearing.

He looked for him first in the city where they lived with the fear that one day he would return and the house would be empty. When he realized that Gon wasn't planning to return was when he left and wandered off, going to more remote places in order to find him.

He sometimes found someone who claimed to have seen him although he had never told them his name, his attitude and his beauty were difficult to forget. Still, it was not enough and his whereabouts were unknown.

The worst day was when he overheard that conversation.

The boys spoke very softly but for Killua's trained ear it was so easy  to hear every word that came out of his mouth.

"Isn't that the guy you spent the entire weekend with?"

Rage flooded him. He witnessed the boy in question blush and smile as if he had won the jackpot. "It's a shame he left. He was so cute and funny."

One of his friends, seeing how embarrassed he was, made fun of him. "And don't forget what a good lover he was that you even forgot to arrive early home for  being with him."

Killua couldn't take it anymore and walk away. He bought a bottle of sake and went deep into the forest.

It was funny how Gon brought out the best and the worst in him. When they were together he was the happiest and luckiest man ever and he felt like he lived in paradise. When he was absent in his life he returned to being the monster he used to be and his desire to kill returned to haunt him. "You already forgot me Gon?! I feel like I'm dying slowly because you left and you're already screwing others!"

He threw the bottle which broke into pieces.

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Killua would be lying if he said that the alcohol forced him to do it or that he wasn't aware of his actions. What he did was with his full intention and to be honest, he had no regrets.

He approached the boy who was Gon's lover and killed him, it was quick and painless only because he didn't feel like doing anything more elaborate. Sighing he remembered when in simpler times he had been the first and only partner, now he was going to settle for being the first and last although for that he had to find him first. It was so strange that he decided that the punishment he would give him when he found him was going to be very light.

And so, he started searching for him again without any success. The situation was repeated over and over again, there was no trace until he found someone who described him perfectly even though his name was unknown, and as he searched more and more  lovers appeared that he had to eliminate .

Damn it Gon, at least pretend that you miss me.

One day  a person appeared in his head that he had not thought of for a long time. Kite.

He remembered when before facing the chimera ants they started talking, he was one of the only people who had been kind to him from the beginning and who had not doubted at any time that he was a person with feelings.

He was the one who noticed his feelings towards Gon before he noticed them himself.

Kite spoke of Ging with various emotions in his voice, emotions that he would not understand until a long time later, until now.

He finally understood the pain and loneliness, and he wondered what was more painful for Kite , dying or living loving. Although they never saw each other, Ging and Gon are very similar even if one was happier than the other, but in the end they were identical, they were like fire, they were easy to notice even from a distance, and being close gave you light and warmth especially when you have been in the dark and cold for a long time. When you got too close you burned and it was painful but you knew they couldn't live without its warmth.

He kept looking for it until finally one day life smiled at him and he finally found him.

Gon looked up and in his eyes  both joy and terror were visible. Gon turned and ran as fast as he could away from Killua. "Don't run Gon!

Chapter Text

Gon didn't expect to see Killua so soon, or rather never, and not because he hated him, it was quite the opposite, his love was so great that he understood that they couldn't be together, that Killua deserved much more. He wanted to throw himself into his arms and kiss him showing him that he had missed him all this time and that there wasn't a single day or night that he didn't think of him. That the beds were empty and cold without him by his side, that conversations were boring, that people were just people that even though he sought warmth in their presence he couldn't find a single trace of it.

Running was for cowards but Gon recognized that he was one. Killua was fast and if he strayed even slightly he knew he was going to catch him.

Killua ran after him desperately. "Gon, stop!"

Gon didn't stop. "Killua, don't follow me. I love you that's why I can't be with you, leave me alone and you will  be happy."

Killua wanted to strangle him. That didn't make sense. "Don't be stupid Gon, if you love me then you're going to stop besides, how can I be happy if I'm not with you?"

Killua wasn't making things easy for him, how much he wanted to stop and stay by his side but then he remembered all those times when he had been miserable by his side, Killua deserved much better, he deserved someone whose emotions were pure adoration and gratitude, not someone who feared him as intensely as he loved him. If he had nen, he would have used his abilities to stop Killua but his only alternative was to run and dodge, there was a huge disadvantage, so after spending minutes chasing him he was caught.

The impact sent both of them flying, rolling on the ground. They both had bruises and scratches from the fall although Gon took the worst part for not having nen to protect himself. Gon wanted to get up but Killua was very close to him and put his hand on his chest to stop him. Slowly, Killua stood up and stared at the other boy who was lying there gasping for breath. "Do not go please."

Gon looked at him, his blue eyes were full of sadness and desolation and he couldn't resist the temptation anymore. He took hold of his shirt and shortened the distance between the two, joining his lips with his. The kiss was passionate, both had not been so close to each other for months and the longing did not let them think clearly. The kisses rose to caresses under the clothes, hands ran over the back, chest and it was Gon who separated first only for  to take off his shirt and shorts, leaving only his underwear. The other boy's eyes looked at him with desire and he quickly continued kissing him on the mouth to go further down, not leaving a single inch of skin intact. "Gon, we have to go to a room." 

Gon closed his eyes. "No, I want you right now in this very place."

Gon thought that going to a comfortable place was a luxury that he didn't deserve, Killua didn't have to treat it as something valuable. To make his decision clear, he kissed him and began to quickly undress him, as if his life depended on it. They made love with gentleness and sweetness, he did not remember when was the last time when everything was pure tenderness when they were together, most of the time he felt that sex was more like a violent act, it was a punishment, it was a way of ask for forgiveness.

He closed his eyes thinking that he could live in a fantasy in which nothing was wrong, in which they were a normal and happy couple, in which he was a happy person. He opened his eyes as he felt a sharp pain in his neck, Killua had bitten him hard. His eyes got teary and after blinking a couple of times he looked at Killua who was looking at him. "Don't close your eyes, I want to see them and I want you to look at me, it's been too long."

At the spot where he had bitten he began to kiss him gently, as if he were apologizing for just now. That was who he was, the source of his pain and his pleasure.

His body ached, Killua seeing the state he was in helped him clean himself and carrying him took him to a hotel where he placed him gently on the bed. As he was about to walk away Gon held his hand. "Do not go. Lie down with me". 

They both ended up in bed together, they were practically glued to each other and to shorten the distance between the two Gon hugged him with arms and legs, as if he  was an octopus. "Good night Killua.