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Chapter Text

Historical quotes on the life and reign of Her Majesty, Charlotte Magne I.

By Adonisus

Being that it pleases Her Majesty, Charlotte I, ruler of the Underworld and all of it's realms seen and unseen, and her consort, Vagatha Magne, faithful companion and executor of Her will, I hereby swear that all words that are recorded forthwith are true, and that they have been recorded with the utmost accuracy, and with the permission of those quoted herein, and that each reflects the opinion of those individuals thus quoted.

Furthermore, I hereby amend this document with my own thoughts towards Her Majesty, may her reign be long, as She in her great wisdom and compassion had so desired the true opinions and free thought of her subjects, for whom she wishes good cheer and redemption. After having taken the throne due to the retirement of her Father, Lucifer Magne, and her Mother, Queen Lilith Magne from court life, Her Highness has during her reign managed to accomplish that which no other individual in Hell had: She hath, with the greatest compassion and resolve, upturned the rules that had reigned supreme in Hell for generation upon generation, and indeed hath remade the relationship between the various Realms of the Afterlife.

It is with this admiration, and with the duty bequeathed to me, that I hereby set my pen to paper, and record the following for all future generations to learn and experience.

Signed,

Adonisus, Chronicler and Scholar.

"I have to tell you that, at first, absolutely no-one really believed in her. You must understand that in those days, 'respect' was not really an operative concept for any of us. Existence in old Hell was one that prioritized indulgence, power, narcissism...things like 'charity' and 'kindness' were simply not a factor. If anything, the closest thing to respect that we ever experienced was one simply born of fear: we feared His Highness and His Queen, because we knew of just how powerful they were not just as individuals, but as a collective unit. Yet, the fact that their firstborn inherited much of their power did not seem to enter our heads. She was completely unlike us, in many ways.

I still remember when she came on to our set. It had been the afternoon after an Extermination, and we had been struggling to fill a timeslot because our regular guest at that point was not available, so our producer suggested Her Highness, as she had been pestering him with phone-calls and text messages and he frankly wanted her out of his hair. My colleague at the time, Katie, absolutely detested her as weak, wishy-washy and beneath her.

Then Her Highness made her pitch. I was witnessing history being made, and I had no idea."

-Thomas Trench

"I don't think I was ever more nervous in my entire afterlife then that day. Me and Charlie had been planning this thing for weeks. I honestly wasn't entirely sure if I believed in it myself. The idea that Sinners could not only be redeemed, but would actively WANT to be redeemed...let's just say I was suspicious.

We had rehearsed everything, right down to the last detail. I tried to prepare the stage for her: I made sure her bowtie was on straight, that her tuxedo was perfectly pressed and lint-free, and I made sure that her two servants were on standby in case she needed it.

Most of all, I told her that there was one thing she absolutely couldn't do: no singing. Charlie always had a beautiful singing voice, but as I told her then: Life isn't a musical.

Eventually, she agreed. Not only that, but in her own special way she assured me she would only be relying on her 'impeccable improv skills'.

I remember watching her walk onto the set to speak with Katie Killjoy. I had to hug myself to keep from shaking, I was so nervous…"

- Vagatha Magne, royal consort.

"Honestly? I have no idea why I was the one she decided to choose first. Not even all these years later, I still got no clue what she saw in me. A lot of that stuff is still hazy for me. I was so deep into drugs that I spent much of my time in a purple haze.

There were also the trust issues. I mean, what would you do if a couple of broads suddenly rolled up on you in a limo, gave you a shit-ton of cash, and said they wanted you to live rent-free at their place? Especially at a freakin' hotel! I'd turned enough tricks to smell bullshit when I sensed it, and that's what my nostrils were full of then (and other things, let's be honest).

I don't think I really understood it then: the idea that someone could do something for you and not really want anything in return. I'd been used so many times, by so many people I thought I could trust before...I didn't know it was possible that you could do something like that for someone.

She saw something in me I couldn't see in myself. She gave me something I never experienced, in life or in death.

She gave me hope."

- Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'

"Even after she had been given a verbal dressing down by Katie Killjoy, Charlie still wasn't effected. She's surprisingly durable like that, and strong...far stronger than anyone gave her credit for.

What did Katie say? Honestly, I've forgotten most of it. All I do remember is she made some slight about me and Charlie's relationship...something about 'not touching the gays'. I actually find it kind of funny now, because even after all of that she was practically pawing and poking at Charlie's breasts just to demean her even further.

But once she was given the chance to make her pitch, it went off almost without a hitch. The problem, though, was that she simply wasn't getting through to people. Old Hell was a cesspool of cynicism.

Then she did the one thing I told her not to do.

She sang.

She sang her heart out, she sang with every fiber of her being.

I almost fell in love with her all over again.

It was, of course, a total failure."

-Vagatha Magne, Royal Consort.

"As you can probably imagine, her pitch didn't really hit with the kind of response she was hoping for. Her Highness is an eternal optimist, but multiple lifetimes in old Hell would turn any person into a cynical nihilist. I basically shrank into my chair with embarrassment. I was blushing pretty hard (not that anyone could tell, with the mask and all). Katie started laughing so hard that she nearly killed herself a second time. Eventually everyone else in the studio followed suit. The only two people that weren't laughing was Her Highness herself, and the future consort.

One of our cameramen actually called her a 'stupid bitch'. He was rewarded with a solid left-hook to the face from the future consort.

Her highness, for her part, had practically gone fetal on the desk. Katie kept ridiculing the whole idea. After all, why would anyone in old Hell 'be good just because'? Man, how things change…

But what made it even more unbelievable, at least to us, was who she had chosen as her first patron. He was already quite famous back then and, to be sure, he wasn't exactly on anyone's list for someone that could be considered redeemable."

-Thomas Trench, former co-host of 666 News

"Oh yeah, I really had a reputation back then. Part of it was simply due to me just trying to be me. You gotta realize that, when I was alive, being gay was something that just wasn't done. Now, I'll grant ya that even then I didn't really give a shit, because by then I was so deep into the junk that I was turning tricks along with all of the mob shit my family was doing. When I ended up in old Hell, I knew I needed to do two things: get stronger so I could survive, and party like I was already dead.

So yeah, I ended up doin' porn. Lots of it. So much of it I got famous. But I still ended up having to turn tricks, because my boss….well, I don't really wanna talk about him right now…"

-Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'.

It is at this point that this humble scholar feels compelled to interject for a moment, and to explain some idiosyncratic aspects of life in old Hell that many contemporary and future readers may not understand, for in some cases many readers will only have known about these through historical records.

At this point in time, early in Her Highness's story, Hell was subject to an annual depopulation purge known contemporaneously as 'The Cleansing', but historians now refer to 'Exterminations'. These brutal events were undertaken by a large number of Heavenly death squads, whom were then armed with weapons that were capable of killing and permanently erasing a Sinner (or any other life form in old Hell). I do not wish to further weight down this document with descriptions of the Exterminations, as other and much more thorough texts have expounded on the nature of the Exterminations (and Her Highness's efforts in bringing them to an end).

I will, however, mention that this particular Extermination had been a particularly brutal one, with a higher than usual body count. It was also the last Extermination to happen before Her Highness's project began in earnest. As Her Majesty's consort explained:

"Charlie had lived through a lot of Exterminations. But this one in particular...it really effected her. I knew that she could get depressed when the annual purges came around every year, but this one…

I have to tell you, I don't think I've ever seen her more heart-broken. The girl was crying her eyes out at the chaos that was happening on the streets below her. Worst yet, it was her duty that year to give the signal that marked the end of the Extermination.

I watched her slowly walk out on the balcony, and fire the signal light, with tears streaming down her face.

I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around her, to tell her that everything was going to be fine. That she wasn't at fault for any of this. That this was something that had been happening long before she was even born.

But what can you say to someone who wants so desperately to give her people a chance...and almost none of those people even seemed to care?"

A side effect of these annual Exterminations, was that due to it's indiscriminate nature, Hell's leadership was often in flux. This meant that every year, new territory would become available for the taking.

This resulted in the other major point I must explain: turf wars. Modern and future readers will perhaps be perplexed at such conflicts, or the sheer violence that could erupt from them, or even the reasons why some believed a few extra city blocks were worth shedding blood over.

And yet, old Hell was filled with Sinners, with numerous personal reasons, who did just that. The first weeks after an Extermination were always dotted with chaotic turf wars that annihilated thousands. The one that our speakers are about to describe would prove to have much historical implications. For one thing, it took place almost immediately after what would prove to be one of the last Exterminations in old Hell's history. Furthermore, it very nearly destroyed Her Highness's project before it even began.

But most importantly of all: It showed that many of Hell's denizens could in fact be redeemed.

"My boss had me turning tricks that night, for reasons that I still can't fathom. I wasn't even planning on going out until the following morning, after shit had calmed down. But then I get a text from the boss man telling me I needed to get my ass out on the street and start making cash.

So yeah, I had just finished a job with a client and was looking to get some drugs from one of the vending machines...but when I got a bag of PCP, this little shit in a hoodie runs by and snatches it from my hand!

He didn't get very far, though…."

-Anthony, former known as 'Angel Dust'

"Oh yeah, I watched the whole fucking thing happen. I was a soup peddler back then, ya see. I had this cart that I pushed down the West Side in order to catch the munchie rush. I didn't normally go out there that late in the evening after an Extermination, but I needed the money. I mean, my rent was due and I really didn't want to have to blow the landlord again.

But then I look up, and you know what I see? A fucking blimp. A giant, black, fucking blimp. Puttering along in the sky.

Then that thing started shooting laser beams and shit down at the street.

So at that point, I decided to duck my cart into an alley and hide my ass in a trashcan.

I mean, I had to deal with bombing runs when I was in Korea, but this? This was just a big bucket of 'nope'!"

-Crol, master chef for Her Highness's court

"Turf wars weren't anything unusual back then, but there was usually a day or two before they started up in earnest. This one started mere hours after the Exterminators had left, and furthermore it was fairly close to where the Hotel was located.

There were two Sinners who were responsible for causing the one everybody remembers. The first was Sir Pentious. Pentious was this wannabe mad scientist type who had delusions about being some kind of super villain. The problem was that his ego out-sized any real skill that he had. Oh sure, he could build a dirigible or whatever, but his actual combat skills were laughable. He even had an army of personal minions that he had created just for this purpose.

The other Sinner, however, was Cherri Bomb.

That's the reason Angel Du-….sorry, that's the reason Anthony got involved."

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

"What can I say? Some shit needed to be blown up. Valentino controlled a great deal of the West Side, and he hurt a lot of people. Especially my Angie. What he did to him was unforgivable. But I knew that the only way you could actually stand up to Overlords was to carve out your share of territory. You needed turf, and you needed the means to defend that turf.

So I decided to carve out some turf.

But then this cobra shit-weasel starts bringing his Frankenstein wannabe ass onto my street, getting all of his little eggboi minions to wreck the place. If anybody was going to wreck shit, it was gonna be me!"

-Cherri Bomb

"With just the worst timing imaginable, me and Katie suddenly got word from our producer that someone had joined Cherri. Katie pushed Her Highness aside….I mean literally, she shoved her off of the desk and out of the focus of the camera!

Our producer then cut to the live-feed outside of the studio, the one that was focused over on the city's west side...and there he was. Angel Dust was right next to Cherri, helping her toss grenades across the street. They'd actually built a barricade out of rubble, and she was lobbing them directly at Sir Pentious, with Angel firing over the top with a machine gun.

No, I have no idea where he was carrying it. I don't think he remembers, either."

-Thomas Trench, former cohost of 666 News

"Angie just happened to have been on the West Side when Pentious decided to poke his scaley ass into where he wasn't wanted. One minute I'm pinned behind some rubble, and then out of nowhere he shows up waving that Tommy Gun of his and screaming "I'm a baaaaad person!".

I didn't really get the significance at the time, but I decided to roll with it. I needed the backup, and besides: He brought a bazooka with him!

No, I don't know where he was carrying it. I don't think he remembers either."

-Cherri Bomb

"I was thirsty for some action. I mean, I needed it bad. By that point, I'd been staying at Charlie's Hotel for a couple of weeks. I'd tried abiding by their rules: No violence, no drugs, and no antisocial behavior.

Anyway, you know what they say about quitting cold turkey, right? Yeah, that's kind of how I ended up. I'd basically been dry for fourteen days straight. I did sneak a little coke on the side, but other than that I'd been clean (and in hindsight, that little bit of blow was probably what kept me from completely relapsing).

So yeah, when I see my best gal pal getting pinned by this scratchy voiced (if really handsome) cobra dressed like the fuckin' Babadook, you bet you ass I was gonna get involved! That girl was probably the only other person in old Hell who could actually sympathize with my situation. She had actually stood up to my old boss, even blowing the crap out a few of his establishments in my behalf. If that ain't friendship, I dunno what is.

It probably wouldn't surprise you to know that she ended up joining me in the Hotel later on.

Huh? You wanna know where I was carrying my guns? Fuck if I remember. Pretty sure I had them stashed all over the city. Or something like that. I was high as fuck at the time, what do you want from me?"

-Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'

“I watched that footage again recently. I’ve re-watched it dozens of times over the last few decades. I sometimes screen it for younger souls when trying to show people what Old Hell was like back then...you know, all of the chaos and violence.

But I digress: There’s this one moment in the footage I always pause on. It’s right around the point where Pentious was lobbing insults at Cherri and Angel Dust. While they’re all screaming at each other, one of Pentious’s eggboi minions had managed to sneak up behind Cherri Bomb with a tentacle gun (or at least that’s what I think it’s called). He had the thing aimed directly at her back and was just about to pull the trigger.

And you know what Angel….I’m sorry, I keep forgetting…

You know what Anthony does?

He pushes Cherri away.

No, I don’t mean that he pushed her into the gun’s line of sight, or that he uses her as a shield.

He actually pushed her out of harm’s way !

I remember when I finally got a chance to watch the complete footage, uninterrupted, a few weeks later. I remember thinking: ‘That’s it. That’s what Her Highness has been looking for.’

Because this guy...this Sinner who we had only ever seen as a drug-swilling whore…. had actually put himself at risk in order to push someone he cared about away from danger.

It would be years until the significance of it really hit me, or anyone else.

Certainly not Katie, since she was preoccupied with mocking her Highness.

….I was also engulfed in flames at some point. I’m not terribly sure how that happened.”

- Thomas Trench, former co-host of 666 News.

“A lot of what followed...at least, up until we were back in the limo...a lot of that is kind of a blur.

But basically, the events sort of go like this: As soon as the camera was on Anthony throwing a grenade, Charlie’s eyes kind of glazed over. Killjoy was cackling like a hyena because she thought she’d gotten the last word on the whole thing. This was our chance to make our case, and in just a few minutes it looked like Anthony had completely sunk the entire deal before it had even started.

But here was Killjoy’s mistake….actually, scratch that- This was pretty much everyone’s mistake...everyone who had mistook Charlie’s friendliness and generosity for weakness: Don’t ever make Charlie angry .”

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort.

“Fuck yeah I saw it go down! I was in the audience when Her Highness did her whole song and dance routine. But after Angel Dust was shown on camera tossing around bombs in a turf war, it looked like that ship had sunk. Killjoy was laughing like crazy, even singing about ‘ratings’ in this horrible falsetto (bitch never did musical theater, and you could tell). Thing is, Her Highness ain’t one to screw with. She swiped Killjoy’s pen and waved it in her face.

Then the emergency lights went on, and someone lit Tom Trench on fire. No idea who, though.

But fuck me if it wasn’t hilarious!”

-Blitzo, Imp entrepreneur.

“Katie always had a hair trigger temper, and Her Highness pulled it. Katie was a bully, and she didn’t like it when people stood up to her. Her Highness swiped her pen and said (and I remember this part in exact detail) ‘Well, how does it fell that I have your pen, huh? Bitch?!’.

That did it. Katie blew a gasket, and I ran and hid. I’d been on the business end of Katie’s anger before, so I wasn’t going to get caught in the crossfire.

In an instant they were both beating the absolute crap out of each other. Katie actually had a tough time of it, because again: this is the daughter of Lucifer we’re talking about: She may be nice, but she isn’t a pushover. That seemed to have been a common pattern with all of the people who tried to challenge her: They always forgot how strong Her Highness actually is...it’s just that she didn’t flaunt it.

Of course, I don’t remember the exact details of the fight, what with me being on fire and screaming for help the whole time. Pretty sure I just passed out and didn’t wake up until the next day.

I was basically covered in bandages for the next month. Katie kept making mummy jokes.”

- Thomas Trench, former co-anchor of 666 News

“….Yeah, they weren’t particularly happy with me at that moment.”

- Anthony, formerly known as ‘Angel Dust’.

It seemed, my dear reader, that Her Highness’s grand project had been permanently handicapped before it had began in earnest. We know, of course, in this era that this undertaking would not only succeed, but wildly so, surpassing even Her Highness’s expectations. So much so that the eons-long balance of power, and the weight of Celestial Justice, would be turned on its head. It would go on to revolutionize not only the Infernal Realms, but all other Realms seen and unseen.

But in that moment, by dearest reader, it seemed all for naught. As Her Highness, the future consort, and the Sinner known as ‘Angel Dust’ rode Her Highness’s automobile into the night, none of them realized exactly what they were to encounter, or the Great Work that they were to undertake. A work that would involve rivalries with Overlords, machinations in the Goetic Aristrocracy, the Royal family themselves….and a certain gentleman with a charming grin, and frightening power.

But alas, that is for our next chapter.

So it is with these words that, for now, I put down my pen.

-Adonisus

Chapter Text

Chapter the Second: Enter the Radio Demon

Once again, your humble scholar endeavors to pick up his pen, and to further record the events of Her Highness’s Great Endeavor, under who’s patronage I originally began this project. Her Highness, long may she reign, gave her wholehearted approval to the previous chapter, and has further encouraged yours truly to continue this work in earnest.

However, before we pick up our narrative from where we left it last, it has come to our attention (and the attention of the Consort, as well), that in the previous chapter I neglected to actually describe in detail what Her Highness’s project was, or at the very least what it’s intentions were.

For this, I have decided to defer to the words of the Consort, Vagatha Magne (long may she live) to elaborate on this very subject:

“This was how Charlie originally described it to me:

Her primary theory was that, if a Sinner was given another chance, and given the proper support system behind them, then any Sinner in old Hell could recognize what it was that brought them to old Hell in the first place. Then, furthermore, they could then take actions towards some form of restitution (if possible). Eventually, the powers of Heaven would take notice of that Sinner, and would deem them worthy of Heaven’s kingdom.

The question was: how do you do it? An operation like that would require some serious planning, obviously, and it would also require a program, a code of conduct, and most important of all: A place to do it all in.

Now, finding a location was the easiest part. Charlie’s father had plenty of real estate properties that he no longer used, and it just so happened that he had a large abandoned complex near the West Side of Pentagram City. It’s a museum now, of course, but the original building has largely remained intact. They even still have that huge painting of Charlie and her parents in the lobby.

The second issue was deciding what kind of establishment this would actually be. Charlie originally had the idea of it being a medical facility, like rehabilitation or an asylum, but it was pointed out to her that many of Hell’s denizens had already experienced those kinds of establishments in their previous lives and would understandably be put off by them. She’d point out to me later that many of our future guests had been abused in those very establishments. Either way, the idea was discarded.

So then the other idea we had was a resort of some sort. Maybe a Spa? Well, that wouldn’t quite work either because Spas are easy targets for sex trafficking, and we already had enough problems with Valentino and his control of the sex trade. The more we could keep ourselves separated from the machinations of the Overlords, the better.

Ultimately, we settled on a hotel. It made sense, honestly. It could house a lot of people, give a semblance of normalcy and safety for the guests, and it allowed us all to be together in one location.

But to Charlie, it also emphasized the fact that it this was a temporary affair, compared to the eternity of old Hell. As she herself said ‘Hotels are for people who are just passing through, temporarily’. She even came up with the perfect name: The Happy Hotel.

Of course, our first few days were rocky at best. Even after Anthony had decided to live there, we still had no idea what it really required to run a hotel.

At least, not until he decided to get involved.”

We will of course be writing of that individual in good time, but first we must return to where our previous chapter ended: The future Queen, her future consort, and the Sinner formerly known as Angel Dust, riding in Her Highness’s automobile towards the Hotel proper, with Her Highness despondent that her Grand Project has been stillborn due to the latter’s conduct.

And so, I record the following. Once again, I swear to their authenticity and accuracy, and that they have been recorded with the permission of those quoted therein.

-Adonisus , Chronicler and Scholar

: INTUS AUTEM OMNE DAEMONIUM SIT IN SIGNUM FOEDERIS :

“You know those power windows they have? The ones where you push a lever or a button or something, and they slowly lower themselves up and down?

Yeah, I love those. They didn’t have ‘em when I was alive, you know.

Anyway, I was playing with one of those in Charlie’s limo. Watching it go up and down, with that whirring sound…

Charlie was really quiet. She had basically curled up on the seat and was staring out the window, looking like she was about to start crying.

Vaggie was furious. One of her eyes actually started twitching. It was actually kinda funny.”

-Anthony, formerly known as ‘Angel Dust’

“I’m not lying when I say that I was tearing my hair out, I was so mad.

I felt betrayed. Absolutely betrayed. We had trusted him to be responsible just long enough so that we could pitch the hotel. But instead he did the exact opposite, taking part in a turf war that had injured hundreds of people.

I actually threw a knife at him. I mean, not at him directly, but at the power window lever he was playing with. I found that especially irritating.

But really? What angered me even more was that he betrayed Charlie. She had put so much behind this, and behind him, and he just threw it all away for his own amusement.

And what was worse is that he didn’t even seem to take it seriously in the least! The whole ride back he was joking about all of the mayhem he’d caused.

…..But there was actually more going on, as it happened. I just didn’t know it at then.”

- Vagatha Magne, Royal Consort

“What Cherri and me had...that was something special. Outside of my sister, she was the only other person in old Hell who understood me. She understood what I’d been through...what I was goin’ through then. I’d do anything for that chick if she asked me to.

And honestly, I didn’t trust anyone else to understand that. I didn’t even trust anyone else to care.

So, I was always short with other people. You were either a potential customer...or you were an annoying distraction.

The first would get ya some bedroom fun (if you could pay for it, that is).

The other got ya an F-bomb and the Finger.

That’s why I was trying ta’ make light of the whole thing. It was my whole persona: the cock-crazy drug spider. That’s who I was. That was my own personal armor. Everyone else was just a bunch of ugly freaks to point and laugh at.

...Honestly, Vaggie was pretty upset. Can’t blame her, though.”

- Anthony, formerly known as ‘Angel Dust’

“I do this thing where, when I get really mad, I start speaking in Spanish.

Really loud, really angry, really accented Spanish.

I’m originally from El Salvador...you know, in my previous life. So for most of my existence it was my first language (at least until I ended up here).

Charlie always found it charming. Anthony found it hilarious.

So as you can imagine, he always tried to push my buttons so I’d start cursing en espa ñ ol .

And that’s exactly what he was doing at that moment. I’m begging him to take this seriously, and his response?

‘Fine. Just don’t get your taco in a twist, baby.’

Part of me always chalked it up to the fact that he was from a different generation.

The other part of me thought: ‘No, he’s just being an asshole’.”

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort.

“The whole time this is happening, Charlie is curled up on the seat looking out the window, trying ta’ hide her face with her hair. That was one of my favorite things: tryin’ ta’ make her cringe so hard that she tries to ‘close the curtain’.

But eventually she spoke up. ‘That was really uncool, you know.’

I don’t think she was mad, just really disappointed.

...I’ll admit, that kinda threw me for a loop.”

-Anthony, formerly known as ‘Angel Dust’

“He asked us if it meant he didn’t have a free room anymore.

I wanted to scream.

How could he be this fucking dense?

But as always, you could count on Charlie to diffuse the whole thing.

Always the optimist. She took off her jacket and put her hand on my shoulder. She still thought everything would turn out fine.

‘Try to relax, Vaggie. It’ll be OK!’

For a brief moment, I actually believed her.

You know, at least until the pounding migraine set in.”

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

“You know, it took a little while for that place to get populated, but even when it’s stuffed to the roof that building still has a shit ton of elbow room. I mean, obviously you can see just from the outside that it’s an enormous complex. The fact that it could have an entire fuckin’ sea liner bolted to the side of it and still have room to spare….

But when you’re the only person in that building? It’s absolutely cavernous . Like Madison Square Garden in the fuckin’ off season!

It also looked abandoned. Every square inch of that place was covered in a layer of dust, and I’m pretty sure that a few generations of spiders had built their own township in the rafters of that place.

Honestly, Charlie hadn’t really prepared very much outside of some party favors. I think she got a little more overwhelmed even before she’d gone on TV, so she was kinda trying to wing it. Vaggie tried to do what she could, I guess, but she’s only one girl. And those two little goat guys who worked for her could only do so much…”

-Anthony, formerly known as ‘Angel Dust’

“Oh boy, my head felt like it was going to split apart. I don’t think I realized just how much stress I’d been carrying on my shoulders up to that point.

I collapsed on the couch in the lobby. I swear I was starting to see stars behind my eyelids. Pretty much everything that could have possibly gone wrong, had gone wrong. We’d been humiliated on TV, our first patron had royally screwed up our pitch...and now sitting in that dusty, empty hotel made it all just too much to bear.

...But, I was conscious enough to remember what happened next.

No, I’m not talking about Alastor. Not yet, anyway.

You see, Anthony had basically worked up an appetite after...well, all of that. So he went rummaging in our fridge to find something to eat. We only had some pop-sickles, so that’s what he ate.

Charlie was sitting on a chair near the door, with her head in her hands. She looked pretty crushed.

Anthony noticed, so he turned to her and suggested they get some actual food for the Hotel. For all of the ‘wayward souls we had around’. Then he started laughing, as he usually did.

….But then, he stopped.

This...look that he had in his eyes.

He actually felt bad for her.”

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

“I don’t like to see Charlie sad.

I really, really don’t.

And I honestly didn’t know what I was supposed to do at that moment.

I tried to make her laugh, you know. Try and sort of lighten up the mood or whatever. That was always my go-to defense then.

But it didn’t work. She just kept looking down at the floor, like the rest of the world had simply vanished and she was alone with her misery.

I got to know Charlie really well over the years I stayed there. I learned a lot of things about her, about her life and how she viewed us.

And I mean, she was the first person to really give me a chance. She saw something in me no one else did.

And for a brief sec, I realized that I’d basically just made her doubt me.

I hadn’t had that feeling since I’d died.

I actually thought of hugging her for a second...but I wasn’t sure if that was the right response or not.

So I just decided it would be better if I just left her alone. Turns out that was the best option. She eventually got up and went outside, probably to call her mom or something.”

-Anthony, formerly known as ‘Angel Dust’

“It’s kind of odd that we’ve gotten this far in the story without talking about Charlie’s parents, isn’t it?

Well, the truth is that at that point they weren’t really in the picture that much. Their relationship was always...I guess the word ‘complicated’ just barely covers it.

Charlie is closest to her mother more than anyone else, but the former Queen was also an incredibly busy and ambitious woman. It wasn’t that she was trying to avoid Charlie, or anything. She loved her very much, and tried as often as she could to be a part of Charlie’s life...but Lilith was a woman who wore many hats, and being Queen was only one of them. Her other career as a singer and actress also took up many hours of the day.

She told me later on what she did after the whole thing with Anthony. She’d gone outside and tried to call Lilith...apparently the last of several attempts that day. For whatever reason, Lilith wasn’t answering. I don’t think it was a case of Lilith ignoring her.

Charlie felt lost. Completely lost. She said something to me that almost made me cry.

‘I think dad was right about me.’

Yeah, about that. I said earlier that Charlie’s relationship with her parents was complicated...but that’s mostly because of her father.”

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

“I think one of the reasons me and Charlie bonded was because we had something in common.

Like her, I never had a very good relationship with my old man either. My dad was old-school Cosa Nostra, very big on tradition and macho-ness. The whole Mafioso culture tells ya that nothing is greater than family.

But I can tell ya from experience that it’s a crock of shit. My dad couldn’t wait to drop me like a bad habit, and when I finally kicked the bucket he was relieved that I was no longer in his hair. Him and my brothers. The only person who mourned me was my sister (and by then they were all stuck there with me, so guess who got the last laugh?)

But Charlie’s pops was a different beast altogether. Eccentric, narcissistic, and a bunch of other words I still have trouble spelling. He could be the life of the party, and a lot of times he was the most fun guy in the room. But he had a very dark, very scary side of him.

I mean, there’s a reason everyone else in old Hell was afraid of him.”

-Anthony, formerly known as ‘Angel Dust

“Charlie has always had this inferiority complex when it comes to her father.

You see, Charlie inherited a lot of her father’s angelic nature...but she didn’t have the kind of experience that Lucifer had. Lucifer was a lot like Charlie when he was younger, but his entire life experience up to that point had beaten him down with cynicism and hate.

Charlie, however, lived her life in royal luxury. She was always waited on by servants, tutored by the brightest that Hell had to offer, and two busy parents who adored her. She never really experienced the kind of harrowing things her father had. The closest she had ever experienced was the machinations of court intrigue.

What I’m trying to say is: Lucifer loved her. But he didn’t understand her. He didn’t know how to.

They clashed a lot when she got older. Charlie was a forgiving and generous person; Lucifer was ruthless and cunning. His position required it.

And unlike Charlie, he couldn’t give a flying damn about his subjects.”

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

“We have an entire wing of the Happy Hotel Museum specifically dedicated to Queen Charlotte and her father, the former king. It consists of numerous photographs and paintings, correspondence between the future Queen and her family, newspaper clips of royal gossip, and footage of her attending public Royal gatherings and celebrations with her parents. The former king was famously charismatic, if a little eccentric in public. The former queen was regal and stately, a born performer. The future Queen Charlotte is always modest, but smiling.

When visitors enter the building, they are greeted with an enormous oil painting, featuring the royal family. The Queen, who was only a teenager at the time of painting, is the obvious focus of the piece, as she is in the center and looking directly at the viewer. Her parents, the former King and Queen, stand on each side of her, with Lilith on Her right and Lucifer on Her left respectively.

This was the image that they wanted to portray to their subjects, who lived in a world that was cruel, unforgiving and constantly in flux. That in all of the chaos, they were the one solid and unchanging pillar in the center of it.

The reality in private was quite different. It wouldn’t be until the ascension of Charlotte Magne as Queen that the entire truth would be known. The creation of Hell’s first social welfare system was only a small sign of their growing rift.”

-Nina, custodian of the Happy Hotel Museum, formerly known as ‘Nifty’

“You could tell that she’d been crying when she came back inside. She was tryin’ to hide it, putting on a brave face. But she had that puffiness under eyes, and she was sniffling like she’d just snorted a line of Bolivian nose candy. I knew that look. I’d done it myself countless times before. You convince yourself that everything will be fine if you just don’t crack. Don’t let anyone see the pain.

Believe me, it doesn’t work. All it does is push it down further into your stomach until it eventually burns a hole through it.”

-Anthony, formerly known as ‘Angel Dust’

“I think I was kind of trying to cycle various Plan Bs through my head. I mean, there was also the jackhammer going off in my brain, but also I was kind of trying to convince myself that we still had other options. I just couldn’t think of any at that moment.

A bake sale, maybe? Yeah, I was getting kind of desperate.

And the migraine was only getting worse.

Then I hear Charlie running back into the room, her eyes wide open and her teeth in this nervous smile.

‘Uh, Vaggie? The Radio Demon is at the door!’

And just like that, the migraine was gone.

Replaced with ass-clenching terror.”

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

Indeed, my dear reader, it has now come time to discuss the other major protagonist of our narrative; that mysterious and nearly mythical figure known to history as The Radio Demon.

This was not his real name, of course. It was simply a mere sobriquet which he had gained during his decades in old Hell. Indeed, his true name (or at the very least, the name he answered to) was Alastor. The machinations and deeds of this individual have left him with an air of mystery, as has the way he simply vanished from the record. To many modern souls, his reputation is like some half-remembered folk character, like a ghost story in the Living World.

But Alastor was indeed a real Sinner who stalked old Hell for decades. Though no photograph or film footage of him has survived , the memories of those who encountered him, and the actions he took in the foundation and expansion of Her Highness’s hotel project, make his existence a hard and irrefutable fact. Most of the individuals I have interviewed for this work have had, at one time or another, encounters with Alastor that vary from simple chance meetings, to several years working with him and those under his employ. Furthermore, during his tenure as co-owner of the Happy Hotel, his likeness was painted and drawn by numerous artists and historians for posterity.

However, in order to give further authority to the existence of the Radio Demon, I decided it would be prudent to inquire to Her Highness herself, long may she reign, as no other figure of old Hell could possibly have been closer to, or known him as well, as She.

It was my good fortune that Her Highness agreed, and penned the following description of Alastor as she remembers it. Others who I have interviewed for this volume have agreed that it is accurate.

As Her Highness herself writes:

“...Time has not dulled my memories of Alastor one bit. From the very moment he walked into our lives he was a constant confidant, business partner, and ultimately a friend. I cannot possibly exaggerate how important his contributions to the Hotel were, or its success. It was his connections and his business acumen that allowed us to thrive the way we did, and my only regret is that he is not here with me to see the results.

But as to your question, this is how Alastor looked and acted.

The first thing that anyone would notice when meeting him was the thing he was famous for: his smile. Alastor always smiled. No matter what he was feeling or expressing, it was always with a grin on his face. For him, it had to do with power. It expressed the ultimate confidence he had in himself and his abilities. As long as he could keep smiling, he always felt like he had a leg-up on everyone else. I only ever saw him lose it once (but that’s another story).

The other thing anyone would immediately notice was the color red. Alastor loved the color red, in every shade one could imagine. He normally dressed in a full suit, with a red jacket, red shirt, red trousers and, on occasion, a red vest. The color went with his eyes, which were also a deep, wine-dark red. Anything else he wore was black, be it his polished shoes, his gloves, and the bow-tie he wore around his neck. He also wore a black-rimmed monocle over his right eye.

Finally, there was his voice. Alastor’s voice had this strange quirk where it was normally crackling and distant, like he was speaking through a radio filter. He did carry around this strange looking cane that resembled a microphone, but it appeared to have no real effect on his voice (the cane itself was possessed by an Exterminated soul, and also had the same effect when it spoke on its own).

As for his personality: Alastor was very personable when he wanted to be, and incredibly charming. He was also cold and calculating by nature. One got the sense that he was thinking far ahead of everyone else in the room. Everyone else was a puppet, and he controlled the strings.

Or, at least, that’s the image he tried to convey. Alastor once told me that ‘The world is a stage, and the stage is a world of entertainment!’. In truth, he was playing a part. It would take years before we got to see the real Alastor.”

The figure known as The Radio Demon would become a widely feared figure in old Hell, mostly due to his modus operandi: In order to alert every other being in Hell of his might, he had begun broadcasting, via radio signal, the blood-letting and carnage that he seemingly caused single-handedly.

In a very short amount of time, he had begun to rival those Sinners colloquially known in popular imagination as the ‘Overlords’. Yet what made him different from those other Sinners was his seeming lack of territory and holdings; Whereas the Overlords had spent years building vast empires of commerce and vice, Alastor seemed to be perfectly content with his semi-mythical reputation.

But as our subjects will soon reveal, he did not do this by himself.

“Oh-ho ho ! We’re gonna talk about that guy now, huh? Man, I was wonderin’ when we were gonna get to that part!

Awright, so….Alastor. Well, that’s what he was called formally, I guess. Most of us just called him Al. Would you believe that I’d never heard of the guy until then? No, I’m serious. Vaggie couldn’t believe it either! ‘You’ve been here longer than me!’, she said.

Here was this guy with this rictus grin and a fucked-up voice box, and somehow he’s supposed to be the fuckin’ terror of Hell?

Please, all I could think of when I saw him was that he looked like a Strawberry Pimp. Cute, though.”

- Anthony, formerly known as ‘Angel Dust’.

“He basically managed to barge his way into the building, bowling over Charlie with his charisma. Alastor was a consummate showman. He treated every single encounter as a performance, where he was an actor playing a part.

I was having none of it.

The very moment he stepped into the lobby, I was prepared. I had this spear….well, it was more like a harpoon. It was one of the weapons the Exterminators used during their annual depopulation, and they tended to leave a lot of them around after they were finished. I just so happened to have gotten my hands on one some years prior.

Because I was going to protect Charlie, however I could. Also Anthony. Anyone who was in that Hotel, I was not going to let Alastor lay a finger on them.

I pointed that thing directly at his face. I knew who Alastor was. I knew what he was all about. And I knew that whatever he was doing there, I was going to bring it to a screeching halt if I had to.

But he just giggled to himself. He looked down at me, that grin still on his face.

‘Dear, if I wanted to hurt anyone here…’

Then he bent down real close to my face and whispered something that made my skin crawl.

‘...I would have done so already.”

- Vagatha Magne, royal consort

“ Did Vaggie tell you about the whole ‘angry Spanish’ thing? Because that’s exactly what she did when Al showed up. She whipped out that spear and shoved it an inch from his nose, with murder in her eyes. Then she growled some angry Salvadorian curses. I thought she was gonna bite Al’s face off!

I eventually learned Spanish so I could understand what she was saying about us when she thought we couldn’t understand her. The day I told her: ‘ ¡Ahora puedo hablar español, hijo de puta!’ was one of the best days of my afterlife!

H ere’s the thing, though: He wasn’t actually there to cause any damage. He wasn’t even there to pick a fight.

He actually wanted to help run the place!”

- Anthony, formerly known as ‘Angel Dust’

“Typically, Alastor had a routine that he would follow. No-one really knew where he lived, but generally he would appear somewhere near the Cannibal Colony, where he tended to spend the majority of his time. He would then stroll around the city, humming to himself while other Sinners scattered in every direction in order to avoid him. Sometimes he would feed the Hellpigeons that populated the park (and would regularly tear each other to shreds). Other times he would tip the various street performers, like the local saxophonist. Most of the time he was looking for new places to eat, especially places that stocked venison. My point being: He was a creature of habit, so his desire to aid Her Highness in the Hotel was certainly unusual.

Most were absolutely terrified of him, but he did have his fans.

I’m one of them, after all.”

- Nina, custodian of the Happy Hotel Museum, formerly known as ‘Nifty’

“Charlie, as you can imagine, was rather confused. I still didn’t trust him.

Al claimed that he had seen Charlie’s pitch on the ‘picture show’, as he called it. He loved what he saw. He thought it was one of the best performances he’d ever seen.

And the thing was: He wanted to help! Him! The Radio Demon!

Why would he, of all people, want to help us run the hotel? What could he possibly have to gain from it?

His response?

‘Why does anyone do anything? Sheer absolute boredom!’

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

“Yeah, that was pretty much Al’s style ya know? Part of me thinks he did shit like that just because he could. That’s kind of the thing with being ‘all-powerful’ and shit: you get bored pretty fuckin’ easily.

I mean, when you can basically have anyone at your beck and call, because of how terrified they are of you...that can only be fun for so long before you gotta start finding your kicks elsewhere...and it usually involved dragging me and Nina into it.

Take it from me: I spent decades of my previous life farting around the South China Sea, trying to drown myself in as much rotgut, opium and lady-boys as I could. It all goes smooth after awhile.

…..Of course, he didn’t fucking scare me!”

-Hugo, formerly known as ‘Husk’

“For a brief moment, Charlie actually thought that Alastor shared her vision: the idea that a Sinner could in fact be redeemed.

Alastor laughed in her face. ‘That’s wacky nonsense!’

Charlie kept her cool. She didn’t take the bait. She simply asked why he was interested in funding her project if he though it was useless to begin with.

His reason? Because he wanted to watch people fail.

Literally. His whole purpose (or at least, this was the excuse he gave us), was because he wanted to see our guests struggle so hard before ‘sliding down into the burning pit of failure’.

…..But like I said, that was just the reason he gave at the time. Alastor actually did have another reason for what he did, and honestly I think it was his ego that wouldn’t let him admit it.”

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

“Ya know, if there’s one thing about Al I learned pretty quickly it was this: In spite of the persona he had, he was actually kind of – well, phony.

You’ve talked to Charlie about him, right? Like, before we did this session? Because it’s kind of important to hear it from her first before ya hear it from me, just so ya know I’m not making this up when I tell you this:

Al was phony. I ran with a lot of con-men in my day, and I know a flim-flam artist when I see them. They play on your weaknesses, on your trust and your conscience, do everything to work their way into your good graces...and then they rob ya blind.

That’s exactly what he was doing to Charlie. I knew it, and Vaggie knew it.

And ya know what? Charlie knew it, too.”

-Anthony, formerly known as Angel Dust

“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Never underestimate Charlie.

Not only is she the kind of person to stick to her beliefs no matter what, she’s also incredibly shrewd.

I warned Charlie profusely. She needed to understand the risks of dealing with Alastor. There was a reason he’d managed to build his reputation the way he had. Alastor’s primary occupation, if you want to call it that, was as a deal-maker. He made these – ugh, I hate this phrase, - He made these ‘Luciferian Pacts’ with unsuspecting Sinners in order to get leverage over them. Again, he was a confidence man before anything else. He usually followed through on his end with whatever he promised...and then immediately screwed them over.

But Charlie knew that.

She just shook her head, gave me that beautiful little smile of hers, and just said ‘Trust me, I know what I’m doing’.

‘After all, I did learn one thing from my dad: You don’t take shit from other demons!”

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

“I got to watch a master at work there.

Charlie walked up to Al and laid it out for him: Yeah, the guy was sketchy as fuck and really creepy...but she really did believe in the whole redemption thing, so she was willing to give him a chance.

He held out his hand. ‘So, it’s a deal then?’

If this were a movie (a really shitty, cheesy movie) this would have been the part where the unsuspecting mark shook the demon’s hand and was immediately dragged into whatever bullshit deal they had accidentally agreed to.

But this was Charlie, and Charlie was too smart for that.

She immediately shut him down. ‘Nope! No shaking, no deals!’.

Then she pulled out the Princess Card on him.”

-Anthony, formerly known as ‘Angel Dust’

“It wasn’t something she did very often, but invoking royal decree was something she did on occasion.

She took a deep breath, and put on her ‘royal’ persona, giving it that extra bit of authority to make it sound official.

‘As Princess of Hell, and heir to the throne, I hereby order that you help with this hotel, for as long as you desire. Sound fair?’

It was actually really brilliant. She had managed to both play on Alastor’s ego by making it sound like she was agreeing with him, while at the same time mixing it with a royal decree that essentially ‘forced’ him to co-run the hotel (for as long as he wanted, that is).

...Yeah, I guess her father really did teach her a thing or two.”

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

Indeed, dear reader, Her Highness had learned quite a few important lessons from her father, including the art of negotiation. You will have noticed, if you have read up to this particular point, that Her Highness was often far more shrewd and intelligent than her detractors gave her credit for. This arrangement, which she had so artfully negotiated with the Radio Demon, would prove to be but one early example of her acumen in the art of ruling. In the years to come, she would use this talent to expand the Hotel Project to greater endeavors, not only proving that her redemption thesis was true, but even forcing the Heavenly Powers (and the Creator themselves) to the negotiating table once she had ascended to the throne.

And indeed, where would she be without these companions whom she had pulled to her cause? The eternally affectionate and wise consort, the first patron who would prove to become a bigger player then he could have imagined, the legendary figure who would become Her Highness’s co-owner and friend…

…..And of course, the two individuals that worked for the Radio Demon, one of which would prove to be an important part in the afterlife of the first patron. As Her Highness would learn, working with the Radio Demon was very much a ‘package deal’. These two individuals would be a major factor in the foundation and operation of the Happy Hotel.

But, my dear reader, I must leave that for the next chapter. For now, it is late at nigh, and my drowsiness overcomes me. My devotion to Her Highness is strong, but my spirit is tired.

And so, I put down my pen and bid you, dear reader, Adieu.

-Adonisus

Chapter Text

Chapter The Third: A Foundation is Built

As I once again resume my literary labors, in order to continue the project commanded by our most glorious and wise Queen Charlotte I (long may she reign), I find it quite appropriate that I should begin these words on a most auspicious anniversary:

As my pen writes upon these pages, our Fair Kingdom is celebrating the Fiftieth Anniversary of the General Emancipation of the Imps. For it was on this date, five decades ago, that Her Majesty’s Parliament issued the declaration that would end, once and for all, the segregation and second-class status of Imp kind. No longer would the Imps be required to live only within that great metropolitan ghetto known as Imp City, nor would they be forced into Indentured Servitude for the Goetia Aristocracy, and would finally be given full political and civil rights and equality with other Hellborn.

As the great Imp statesmen Fyewackett is oft quoted as saying:

“Before the ascent of Her Majesty, we Imps were considered the dregs of Old Hell. We were considered lower than Sinners, and all of Hellborn kind, though we were native to these realms before the former King and his Number appeared here. For generations we struggled along under this oppression, brought about by Royal neglect and Goetic prejudice. But now how the times have changed, and royal Justice has erupted like a mighty volcano!”

It occurs to me (and the Royal Consort) that future generations may read these words and be confused by such asinine bigotry. Therefore, I find it appropriate for Lady Vagatha Magne, wise and wonderful consort to Her Majesty, to say a few words:

“Imps were on the lowest rung of the proverbial ladder in Old Hell. They were the most plentiful, and also the most impoverished. By the time Charlie was starting up the Hotel, Imps were largely segregated away from the rest of the Hellborn into Imp City, which back then was this enormous and crowded city. It was the only place in the First Circle that they were allowed to live. Of course, once you went down into the other circles the rules were more lax, but it was also far more dangerous there.

But I digress. When Charlie’s father and his Host arrived here in the Underworld, the Imps had already been here for generations. But Hell’s new Owners simply saw them as a plentiful source of cheap labor.

Charlie, for her part, had always hated this arrangement. She once asked her father why he allowed this to go on, and he simply shrugged his shoulders and wrote it off as ‘shit happens’. Old Hell was chaotic enough as it was, so any semblance of order was something that was carefully guarded.

So when she finally took the throne, the Imps were one of her first priorities.”

Her Highness herself was present at the ceremonies on this most important occasion, as an art collective within Pentagram City unveiled a massive relief celebrating the monumental event , showing Her Highness delivering the maxim to the jubilant Imps made up of parlimentarians and former ILF revolutionaries , joined at her side by Fyewackett himself as the spirits of great Imp freedom fighters such as Grizzell and Lucius looked upon them in the background. In attendance was also Princess Octavia, along with her step-father Blitzo and her step-sister Loona, in honor of her late father whose own Imp sympathies were one of the catalysts for the movement.

Some observant attendants noted also the consequential addition in the crowd of a certain female Sinner, clad with a scarf around her face, finally being recognized for her contributions to the cause.

Alas, her story must wait, for now we must resume our narrative from when it had previous been left off: the introduction of the Radio Demon into the story, and Her Highness’s negotiating his co-ownership of her Hotel. Yet as I have noted previously, the Sinner called Alastor was not a lone figure, for he had accomplices at his side. It is now time, my good reader, to give them the moment they deserve.

And so, we once again begin our narrative. As previously, I hereby swear that every word written is accurate, and have been given proper permission to quote them as such.

-Adonisus, chronicler and scholar.

: INTUS AUTEM OMNE DAEMONIUM SIT IN SIGNUM FOEDERIS :

“ So as soon as Alastor seemed OK with the agreement, he immediately began taking stock of the situation. The very first thing he noticed was the most obvious: we had no goddamn idea what we were doing.

No, seriously. I can look back at it now a nd admit it. We were WAY over our heads with this project, and Charlie’s optimism could only get us so far.

I mean, I could do security and simple management, but we needed other things. We needed a chef, a custodian, someone to man the front desk, and that was just for starters.

And Anthony….well, he had one major talent, as Al fond out the hard way. He approached him and asked ‘And what can you do, my effeminate fellow?’

Anthony just gave that toothy grin of his and said ‘I can suck yer dick!’

I can count on one hand the number of times that I’ ve seen Alastor genuinely caught off guard. That was one of them. Even his radio filter shorted o u t.

- Vagatha Magne, royal consort

“…... What? I wanted to suck his dick.”

-Anthony, formerly known as ‘Angel Dust’

"And so, I finally enter the story!

I'd worked with Alastor for many years by that point. Both me and Hugo (then known as Husk) had been his co-horts for several decades. Our primary functions tended to differ on whatever was needed: Husk tended to be the muscle because of how big and intimidating he was. I tended to be his secret weapon, since I'm so tiny. So tiny, in fact, that I could fit in pretty much any small space you could think of: safety deposit boxes, air ducts, trunks…

...And of course, fireplaces. Specifically, that fireplace right over there in the lobby!

I was still finding soot in my dress for about a week!

-Nina, custodian of the Happy Hotel Museum, formerly known as 'Nifty'

"Out introduction to Nina was seeing her tumble down the chimney and into the fireplace, black as pitch and covered in soot. Alastor picked her up and dusted her off.

'This little darling is Nifty!'

That was her name, back then. And she really was. Nina was incredibly sweet, and incredibly hyper. The very first thing she did when she saw us was say 'It's been a while since I've made new friends!...why are you all women?'

She originally thought Anthony was a woman. She was from a...different time.

Anyway, she immediately started cleaning the place (after asking if there were any men near). 'Oh man, this place is filthy!'. She was right, to. That place hadn't been cleaned in decades. There were cobwebs inside of older cobwebs!

'It really needs a lady's touch...which is weird because you're all ladies, no offense'.

….Again, different time."

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

"Honestly? Considering how much drag I did, I'm rather proud of it.

But yeah, that chick was pretty boy crazy.

We had that much in common.

But let's be honest...it wasn't Nifty I was really focused on."

-Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'

"Alastor had this thing he was really good at: teleportation.

He also had another thing he was really good at: a sadistic sense of humor.

After introducing Nina, it was time to introduce his other partner in...I'm guessing 'shenanigans' is the proper term.

He focused his attention on the other side of the lobby, and then an entire lightshow flashed in front of our eyes. I'm find out later that these were Loa symbols. Alastor considers himself quite the bokor.

And that's how Hugo entered the picture, and he wasn't really happy about it."

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

"Oh, this wasn't the first fucking time he'd done that whole 'unannounced teleportation' bullshit. Oh no, I've had to deal with that kind of shit for fuckin' decades, and he had this talent for roping me in at the exact worst time: like that time I was in the middle of a pile of Imp poon and he yanked me onto the top of a fucking skyscraper, or that time I was taking a leak behind a dumpster, and he had me show up in the middle of a goddamn shopping mall...in the women's dressing room!

And this time, he managed to yank me into this fucking hotel lobby while I was in the middle of winning the best game of poker I had ever fucking played! For real! Full fucking House! Hundreds of thousands of dollars on the line, and I was just about to win all of it!

And then, just as I'm slapping my cards down on the table, all of that Voodoo shit starts swirling around the casino like a bad acid trip, and who do I see next? Him!

….No, I'm not bitter. It's the principle of the goddamn thing!"

-Hugo, formerly known as 'Husk'

"Hugo had one weakness, and that was alcohol. It was pretty much the one thing that kept him strung along by Alastor. So all it really took was a bottle of cheap rotgut to convince him to work for the Hotel.

Hugo had two jobs: the first one was that he manned the front desk. When you walked into the Hotel, he was usually the first person you saw.

The other job he had was bartender. Against my wishes, Alastor had set up an enormous, well-stocked bar in the Hotel lobby, loaded with just about every adult beverage you could imagine.

I had a major issue with this, of course. We were trying to make a wholesome establishment that was free of the temptations that encouraged sin.

But then I was overruled...not by Charlie, but by Anthony, who tackled me to the ground while I wasn't looking and screamed at me to shut my fucking mouth."

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

"You shoulda seen it. The last time I'd seen that much booze was in one of my dad's speakeasies. Glittery bottles of whiskey, vodka, absinthe and gin as far as the eye could see, piled high on the classiest fucking saloon set-up I'd seen in years.

...And manning the whole thing was one of the most handsome mother fuckers I had ever laid eyes on."

-Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'

"I think a lot of people, when they hear this story, assume that it was the alcohol that got Anthony's attention. But that's not really the truth.

I was there, of course, and I witnessed the whole thing. Anthony had these huge stars in his eyes...but he wasn't looking at the booze.

He was looking at Hugo. It was love at first sight."

-Nina, custodian of the Happy Hotel Museum, formerly known as 'Nifty'

"After I started sucking down this bottle of cheap booze I'd found, Anthony suddenly started getting all up in my business. I recognized who he was, obviously (I was a 'fan')...and he immediately annoyed the fuck outta me. That nasally voice of his could really crawl up your spine if you weren't in the mood for it, and he was way too handsy.

...I wasn't really hot on him then, obviously. But, well...time changes everything. Me and him had a lot more in common than I really wanted to admit at first: the substance abuse problems, the complicated relationship with our parents, the constant casual sex to fill that void in our chests. We were both deeply damaged people.

...And, well...you see the ring on my finger, don'tcha?

-Hugo, formerly known as 'Husk'

"Charlie was absolutely ecstatic...not just because we had some very important positions filled, but also because we had some brand new faces in the Hotel. She ran up to Hugo with stars flashing in her eyes, telling him how much he was going to love it here.

He...wasn't very impressed.

But ultimately, he didn't really need to be. Alastor had proven to Charlie that he could get things done, and even I had to admit that I was somewhat impressed.

So then Alastor took the initiative...and he sang.

Alastor actually did have a pretty good singing voice...you know, if you liked old-school Jazz. It was certainly enough for Charlie to be convinced.

And then Sir Pentious showed up to ruin it."

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

Your humble author believes it prudent to make a small interruption in our narrative to, briefly, discuss the Sinner known as Sir Pentious.

Of course, Sir Pentious no longer goes after that name. Like many of the other Sinners that went through the Hotel and lived through Her Highness's ascension, he eventually reverted back to his mortal name to enjoy a quiet and peaceful afterlife (and has, up to this point, declined participation in this project).

But before this, Pentious was considered a Sinner who was in the running to becoming a new Overlord. He was most certainly a genius in the fields of physics and mechanics, and had gathered quite the army at his disposal. Said army was also highly disposable, as they were made up entirely of the entities known only as Eggbois (the creation and making of which I shall address at a later time).

Indeed, it was Sir Pentious who had initiated the turf war that had broken out during Her Highness's televised appearance. It was his enormous dirigible contraption that had rained havoc onto the west side of Pentagram City, attracting the vengeful attention of Cherri Bomb (who, unlike other Sinners of her generation, still retains her Afterlife name).

Pentious would make his second grand entrance into this narrative at this particular point, as you shall soon see dear reader. However, in order to respect his requests for anonymity, he shall be referred to as his nom de guerre…..

"Outta fuckin' nowhere, Pentious blew the fucking door off the hinges and damn near flattened Nina. I almost spilled my booze! So goddamn rude! I know it was cheap rotgut, but it was mine, dammit!"

-Hugo, formerly known as 'Husk'

"...Yeah, that happened to me a lot. I started wearing a helmet after a couple of years."

-Nina, custodian of the Happy Hotel Memorial Museum, formerly known as 'Nifty'

"Despite what Alastor wanted to admit, he and Pentious actually did have a bit of a history. He was one of a handful of Sinners who were either brave or stupid enough to actually try to challenge him.

Now, how he figured out that Alastor was there, I'm not really sure. I always guessed that he had seen Alastor watching Charlie on a storefront TV (the 'picture show', as he called it), and probably stalked him to the Hotel. From there, he tried to use the element of surprise...a concept I'm not sure he really understood all that well.

Also: that was a perfectly good door! That shit was expensive!"

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

"So, I'm gonna try and tell ya what happened after Pentious decided to poke his scaly ass into our whole situation. It gets kinda complicated, so pay attention.

Pentious basically challenges Alastor to a fight right then and there. Al...didn't give a shit. He just kept being his cool, handsome self and asked 'Do I know you?'.

Pentious obviously didn't like that. That guy was really fuckin' sensitive about shit like that. Massive inferiority complex. He acted the same way with Me and Cherri.

Anyway, being the pissy little man-boy that he was, Pentious pulls this enormous fucking laser...turbine….thing out of his blimp thingy and pointed it right at Al's head.

And then Al snapped his fingers, and summoned this…thing…

There's a lot of weird and gross shit in Old Hell. That was one of them."

-Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'

"Al wasn't 100% bullshit. That reputation of his was earned. He knew of these places in the netherworld where one could summon a whole host of nasty shit, and it just so happened that one of them was right in front of the Hotel. Probably even came with the building, considering Lucifer used to own it."

-Hugo, formerly known as 'Husk'

"I've done some freaky shit in my day...but that was on a whole other level. This huge fucking hole just opens up in the middle of the street, and this oily gross octopus fucker reaches out of the abyss and grabs that scaly fuck's blimp. You ever see a kid trying to break one of its toys because its pissed off? Yeah, it was like that, with a rather dramatic explosion at the end."

-Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'

"You could actually hear Pentious screaming inside that machine of his. It was like rolling around a bunch of marbles in a tin can (which I'm pretty sure was just the Eggbois colliding with each other). Once the….abomination had its fun, it squeezed the dirigible like a tomato, with similar results. It left a crater in the middle of the street.

And the whole time, the whole time, that grin never left Alastor's face. Oh sure, his eyes dilated a bit and got all veiny, and he had blood pouring out of his hand (which was something I found out was pretty significant later on), but that grin never disappeared. If anything, it got toothier!"

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

"Yeah, I missed most of it (as you can imagine), but I was there just long enough to see the explosion. It was so bright it was almost daylight for a moment. Charlie was speechless...as was Vaggie...and Anthony...really, we all were.

After a moment, Alastor turned around and looked at us like nothing had happened and asked 'Well, I'm starved! Who wants some jambalaya?'

It was pretty clear that he'd used up a good deal of power, so he was obviously hungry."

-Nina, custodian of the Hazbin Hotel Memorial Museum, formerly known as 'Nifty'

"What can I say? Man made some amazing fucking jambalaya. It might have been spicy enough to strip the paint off of a wall, but it tastes good on the way down."

-Hugo, formerly known as 'Husk'

"...And that was it. That was the first day of the Happy Hotel in full operation. In summary: we had a new shady business partner, his two shady goons, a door in need of replacement, and a giant hole in the middle of the street out front. Anthony had new eye candy, Charlie had a new maid, and I was pretty sure I had completely lost control over the situation.

After we started getting more guests, however, things became more normal. Alastor proved to be a pretty shrewd businessman, and Charlie never lost her confidence...at least, not in public. In private, she was always dealing with her feelings of inadequacy, and whether or not she could really measure up to her dad.

But she did. She not only could measure up to her father...she surpassed him.

As for Alastor...Those first few months, I frankly could not stand him. If it wasn't for Charlie being around, I don't think I could stand it.

Now? I miss him. I miss him a lot, and I know that Charlie does to. He changed quite a bit over the time we knew him. I just hope that, wherever he is, he was able to reconcile with his mother and is in a much better place...physically and mentally."

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

"It took me a long time to really learn to love myself, to love other people without expectin' to be betrayed for it. I made hundreds of new friends in the Hotel, people I had known before and people I'd never met, and all of us shared somethin' in common: we were all broken people who had been hurt badly by others, and we all had to learn how to rebuild ourselves again.

And every time I tell this story...I never forget that Charlie chose me to be the first.

…..So, we're fixin to wrap this up, right? I gotta get back home and feed a bunch of piglets so..."

-Anthony, formerly known as 'Angel Dust'

"I'm still really attached to this place. That's why I decided to stick around and turn this place into a museum. Charlie did a lot for me by offering a safe place for me to 'recover', so when she turned this place over to me I promised to keep it nice and tidy. But I really wanted to share the story of this place, and with the Royal Family's help I was able to gather a bunch of artifacts and stuff. In fact, we just recently got a bunch of new items about Charlie and Vaggie's wedding…"

-Nina, custodian of the Happy Hotel Memorial Museum, formerly known as 'Nifty'

"My last day at the Hotel bar, I made sure to make sure everything was nice and clean: all the glasses were spotless, the bar was dust-free, to leave it just the way it was when I first got there. I heard that Nina has since turned it into a permanent video display with a bunch of taped interviews of guests from the past, and apparently I get brought up more than a few times. I'd like to think that I wasn't as big of a sourpuss at the end but...well, fuck...you can only change so much. Not everyone can do a full 360 like Alastor could.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta get back to the house and help Anthony feed Fat Nugget's kids…"

-Hugo, formerly known as 'Husk'

"I'd end up joining Anthony at the Hotel some years later. At it's best, that place was an absolute blast! At its worst...well, it was still safe, and it Old Hell safety was a luxury very few people could afford. I'd meet the love of my afterlife there (granted he had to go into hiding, but we're still in contact regularly). And it was all thanks to Charlie, who was willing to give me a chance when everyone else thought I was trying to blow the place up."

-Cherri Bomb

And so it is that we come to the end of our little tale, or at the very least the end of the beginning. Indeed, all generations who read these words will know that Her Highness's enterprise would flourish beyond her wildest dreams. All of the afterlife, and the realms seen and unseen, would be drastically altered by Her endeavor. Indeed, your humble author is himself a happy subject of Her Highness's benevolence.

But we still have so many other subjects to cover, and so many tales to tell. How former enemies would become great friends, how Her Highness would learn to reconcile with her Father, how her Father reconciled with his Father, and how the Creator would eventually be forced to come to the negotiating table to speak with Her Highness. The great confrontations with the Overlords, and of course the Radio Demon's ultimate fate.

But I fear that all of these tales shall have to wait, for I grow weary and my pen grows heavy. I have worked long into the night, and I can see the sun peaking over the horizon.

May Her Highness's reign shine just as brilliantly.

And so, for now, I lay down my pen.

-Adonisus, chronicler and scholar

To all readers of future generations,

Not all rainbows are unattainable.

Never stop dreaming!

-Charlotte Magne I, Queen of New Hell

Chapter Text

Being that the previous volume of my Chronicle, having greatly pleased Her Majesty (long may she reign), as well as having received much acclaim far and wide in the Realms Seen and Unseen, I do now labor to continue my work, of which I have received a further commission and an official royal order from the throne.

Yet before I begin, permit me to humbly offer free thoughts on the subjects at hand:

I hath received many correspondence from readers far and wide, inquiring on a number of different subjects which I have yet to cover in full. In this succeeding volume, I do hope to enlighten such readers on these subjects. Among the subjects I hope to educate upon include: The system of soul ownership and contracts, the Overlords and their infamous number (in particular a consolidation of Overlords who were known as The Vees), the politics of both Old Hell as well as Old Heaven, the affairs of the Royal Family (and especially that of Lucifer Magne I), the shuttering of the Heaven embassy and its consequences, and the manifestation of The Void.

Furthermore: Since the publication of my preceding volume, I have had many more inquiries on the Sinner named Alastor, known as the Radio Demon in common parlance. Many still cannot believe that such a figure did truly exist, or that his power hath been exaggerated in some measure. After further research, I shall attempt in this book to expound upon Alastor’s activities, including what it was that allowed him to gain such power. After having extensive discussion with both Her Highness and the Hotel’s previous inhabitants, I believe I shall be able to put such questions to rest.

Finally, before I begin in earnest: The story to be told is a long and extensive one, and shall surely fill hundreds of pages before I am finished. I ask you, dear reader, to forgive your humble servant if his labors prove too slow for your liking; This is but one of numerous endeavors I am involved with since last we spoke.

But without further delay: I do swear that all words recorded herein are true, have been recorded with the utmost accuracy, and reflect the true and free opinions of those recorded, all of whom have granted permission.

And with that, I pick up my pen, and begin anew.

Signed,

Adonisus, Chronicler and Scholar

: INTUS AUTEM OMNE DAEMONIUM SIT IN SIGNUM FOEDERIS :

“The first week after an Extermination were always incredibly chaotic. That first turf war was just the start of several that would happen over the next few days. Eventually, everything began to finally calm down and get back to normal, but there were still buildings on fire for several days afterwards.

Charlie had this thing she would do whenever an extermination happened. She’d go up to her room (in this case, the one we shared near the top floor of the Hotel), and she’d pull out this old storybook that her parents read to her when she was little. It’s the same one that they have on display at the Happy Hotel Memorial Museum. It had been written by her father, and it was meant to tell the story of how Old Hell was founded: how Lucifer had been a dreamer with lots of ideas, how mankind was created, him meeting Lilith, free will – you know the rest.

Anyway, she’d go up to her room, close the door and she would start reciting the story out loud. Just for herself, because it cheered her up when she did it. It’s the same thing she’ll do during official royal events, where she’ll sing or recite a poem. She’s a born performer, just like her mother.

...Right, her mother. Me and her have discussed all of this countless times sense then but...remember how I said earlier that she wasn’t trying to avoid Charlie? Well, that’s not quite true. She was trying to avoid her...and she had been. For seven years. Suddenly puts that whole thing with Charlie trying to call her into perspective, doesn’t it?”

-Vagatha Magne, royal consort

“Oh yes, Her Highness has always been quite musical. Not to mention theatrical. It was probably her defining trait. She got it from Lilith, I imagine. Lilith was much the same was as she was: charismatic, yes. But also incredibly talented, with an angelic singing voice. Her flair for showmanship she almost certainly got from her father.

But best of all, she was an absolutely pleasure to work for. Not only did she accommodate us well, but she always wanted to help out in some way. I can’t tell you the number of times she’d come into the kitchen with me to help me cook, even if she had no idea what she was doing. But even then, she was an enthusiastic student.”

-Nguyen, Sinner formerly known as ‘Coi’. Retired royal chef

“So we’re doin’ another one of these, huh? Well, you’re gonna have to get me back on track because it’s been a while, ya know? Raising piglets can be hard work.

The week after? Alright, got it. Lemme think, lemme think….

Okay, so the week after. I guess by that point the Hotel had begun operations in earnest, or whatever, so it was time to start spreadin’ the word. Advertising, ya know. Problem was, Charlie’s TV pitch didn’t really work out, so she had to go back to square one.

That’s when Al stepped in and volunteered. He’d decided to take the title of ‘General Manager’ of the Hotel, and I guess he decided that this fell under his responsibilities. Charlie loved the idea.

Only problem was: Charlie wanted a TV commercial. Alastor hated TV.

I’m serious. Hated it.”

-Anthony, Sinner formerly known as ‘Angel Dust’

(CURRENTLY IN PROGRESS AS OF 3/24/2024)