Archive of Our Own ^beta

Have you ever not been able to reach that blessed feeling of release and it just starts to piss you off? Yeah, that's about where I'm at.

Videos didn't help, being in the shower didn't help – none of my ideas were working and I was about to demand a refund on my body.

I pulled my bathroom door open with more force than necessary and threw myself across the bed. While face down in the scattered sheets, I let out the most irritated groan. After laying there for I bit, I rolled back out of my bed to dig out my Box. The only reason I kept these things was that sometimes help is needed and I don't go to clubs and bars in search of a body to share a bed with for the night.

No, sir, I can't do that. It's bad for my mental health.

I tossed the box on the bed and stared at it briefly. Do I have the energy to deal with this?

I flicked the latch open and lifted the lid to stare at the variety of toys hidden inside. With a sigh, I decided that, whether I wanted to or not, I needed to. This was just as much a part of my self-care as eating and cooking healthier. The payoff was wonderful but the process was a pain in the ass. So, I grabbed one – the vibrating kind – then crawled back in bed. I clicked the button on the bottom a few times, frowning at the purple silicone until the setting felt  some-what  pleasing.

"Here goes," I mumbled and began scrolling through my phone since I didn't have the energy to use my imagination about it all. My hand settled between my legs and I got to work.

A few minutes later, with me still as frustrated – in both ways – as can be, the door swung open.

"Hey, are you going to the-"

Russell paused in my doorway and I sat up  so fast  to grab the nearest piece of clothing I could find. Thankfully it was a t-shirt so I held it up to my chest, letting it fall over my legs. A faint buzzing sound could be heard from between my mattress and thigh. I stayed calm, to the best of my ability, knowing full well that my housemate just got a  serious eyeful.

"Going to what?" I asked him, really wishing the batteries in that damn thing would suddenly die. Just like I wanted to.

"Uh," he moved his eyes away from me, "nothing. I'll talk to you about it later." Then he backed out of the room and shut the door without another word.  Even with my bedroom door closed and the buzzing sound still filling my room, I could hear him rush down the hall to his room and slam the door.

Look, when I got an actual answer to my ad about needing a housemate I didn't expect to see a dirt- and dust-covered, tall, shy, and complete sweetheart of a guy approach me at the café. A public meeting, of course; a small town doesn't mean 'no murderers'. After checking what I needed to, in order to ensure I wasn't going to agree to let a wanted criminal or something live in my house with me, and he signed the agreement, he moved in and things have been fine since. He never caused problems, was always polite and never had anybody over. It's not like I told him he couldn't! I actually said I didn't care who he had over, I just didn't wanna hear it. I've never seen a man blush so hard.

This was almost ten months ago so the agreement would be up in two. It's stated that I "reserve the right to evict [him] if the terms agreed upon were not honored" and, if things go well, I still have the room to rent and he still wants it, we can renew the agreement. So, I'll have to offer him that again but at this moment? I'm pretty sure he'd turn it down.

Assuming he was in his room to stay for a while, I moved my leg to pick up the vibrator and clicked it off. Then I pulled the t-shirt away from me to look at what exactly I'd grabbed.

"This isn't mine?"

In fact, it was Russell's. Normally, when he does laundry, he hangs up some of his clothes. So, if they're still there when I get to the laundry room and they're dry, I'll take them down and fold them then leave them on the dresser by the door - in his room. It's never been a big issue that he does that, I get it and I do it too. I've never brought his clothes in here, though. When the hell did I bring this in here then?

I searched my memories until I found the answer. While doing laundry a few days ago, I'd gotten an important phone call and, once I answered the phone, what was in my hand got tossed into  my clean-clothes basket instead of folded and place neatly on the counter, despite the fact that it wasn't mine. It didn't matter at that point. I had a clean article of clothing in my hand and that conversation was where all of my attention was as soon as I saw the name on the caller ID.

The thing about living with Russell and being me – we're both introverts. Most of the time, he keeps to himself unless he  can't and I do the same. I get that, I really do. We do sit down and have take-out together sometimes and he's chilled with my best friend and me a few times if she's over but we don't do much besides work either. We just keep each other company and aren't assholes to each other.

I made a face at the memory of the first time Jen, my best friend, met him. He was on his way out the door for work one morning when she dropped by, he'd been here for about a month already and she'd been busy enough that she couldn't come to meet the "mysterious guy paying to live with me". Once introductions were done and she let him leave, she immediately started grilling me about background checks, staying safe, and a whole list of "Safety Tips"- which I'd done all of. Most repeatedly and very habitually for a while. Once she was convinced I was safe she dropped it. She'd visited about two weeks after that. We all watched a movie together and, as he usually does, Russell went to bed when it was over. When we heard his bedroom door close upstairs, she turned to me with this absolutely wicked  grin and asked, "Did you fuck him yet?" Since screaming "No, I did  not  and will  not " wasn't an option I threw a couch pillow at her face while she cackled and accused me of wanting to fuck the "sexy demo guy".

Recently, I noticed that  I was doing more thoughtful things when it came to him. The laundry thing, for example; I didn't always do that. It was just easier for us both if I did. It just made sense, right?

Right . Saying otherwise would imply that I caught  feelings . I'm not ok with that. He's probably going to leave soon.

Once I cleaned up, picked up, and put my Box away, I looked back at the bed and decided it would be better to put clothes on and return his shirt before I do anything else. There was plenty to do now that I wanted to be mentally occupied and not think about my embarrassment.

Clearly I should have locked the door. I knew he stopped knocking a while ago since I told him he didn't have to every time – especially during daylight hours. Wow, I really am a  dumbass .

I grabbed a dress from my closet – something quick to put on – and made my way to his room with his shirt, now folded, in my hand.

Across the hall, five steps down from my bedroom door, and near the window that faced the back yard – here goes nothing. I sighed and lifted my hand to knock but the door swung open before I could.  My face warmed from embarrassment for the thousandth time and I held the shirt out to him. I dropped my gaze to the shirt.

"I'm sorry you saw that. Your calendar said you'd be gone all day so I didn't think to lock the door even after I said- I'm  really sorry." With my mouth now snapped shut, since I'd started rambling and I knew it, I looked back up at him. He still hadn't taken the shirt back.

"Next time you wear a dress, watch his pupils. Scratch that! Next time you're close enough to see his pupils, take note of how big they are. Your pupils dilate when you look at someone you're attracted to."

Jen, I kind of hate you right now for giving me this information because- his are. I don't want to  hope someone's attracted to me, I just want to know! It's rare that I actually make a meaningful connection and- and I need to think about this. I need to give him his shirt back and leave so I can go sort out my feelings about this.

"It's fine," he mumbled finally and I looked away again while pushing the shirt towards him. His hand wrapped around the shirt so I let go. "This is on me as well. I knew I wasn't going to be there as long as I normally am today but neglected to change the calendar." I nodded and shrugged in a silent "it's fine" and stepped back so he could close the door.

"Did you need something when I go to the store today? I have to get groceries for the week and kinda figured that's what you were trying to ask," my voice was quiet and I still hadn't looked back up at him.

"Yeah, I can write it down if you want or I can," he paused, "I can go with you? You have that thing with Jen on Saturday and said you had to make something for it. I thought I'd try to help."

Tell him no! You've got things to think about even if he doesn't seem overly affected by it!

"That'd be nice, actually; extra hands are helpful. I still don't know what I'm going to make," I admitted with a half laugh and looked out the window to my right. "I'm gonna go get ready to leave. Shouldn't be too long."

What the  fuck , woman?!

"You should wear that dress. It looks nice on you."

My head snapped up and I stared at him with wide eyes. He's  complimenting me  not long after walking in on me  naked and masturbating ? I'm so confused, my head is spinning. Time to walk away, yup.

"I- thanks," I told him and headed back to my room to put more clothes on. If I'm leaving the house, I need a bra and I need underwear. Shoes would be a good idea too.

A few weeks later we finally got the chance to sit down together, without awkward tension, so I could tell him the agreement would end soon and he would either have to find a new room to rent or, if he would like, he can renew our agreement. I will start locking my door to do that if he says he'd like to stay.

"So, what'cha think? I just need to know by the end of the week." I tightened the knot in the bandana wrapped around my head. Today was my day to do some yard work and I also wore one to do so. Habits are weird.

"I'd like to think about it but I'll get you an answer by then if not before." His eyes lingered on me and I turned to see if there was something behind me that he was looking at. Not finding anything I turned back around and raised an eyebrow at him.

"What's that look for?"

"Your bandana. You usually wear a darker one when you do yard work since a lighter color is more likely to get stained," he stated simply, maybe a bit confused. It took an effort to keep my expression neutral. People don't just notice those kinds of things?

"It's too warm out to wear one of my other ones – they're all black. Black traps heat and I'm going to be disgusting enough when I come back inside." I shrugged, dismissing it but he stopped me when I turned to go outside.

"Here, it's clean," he pulled a light brown bandana from his lunch box and held it out to me. "Don't wear the teal one. You keep it in good condition for a reason, right?"

I blinked a few times but took what he'd offered me. "I mean it was part of a birthday gift from Jen a few years ago but I normally only wear it to the beach, yeah."

"Wear this one instead. Don't take the risk of ruining something important to you." He looked shocked and confused about his own words. "I'll see you when I get home- back. I'll see you when I get back." Then he took off out the door while mumbling something to himself.

Should I make sure he's ok? He-

The sound of the garage door going up then his truck leaving the driveway came through the open window and I nodded. Well, that answers that question. I looked down at the bandana he'd given me. It was really soft like it'd been used often, and there was a spot at the edge that was ripped and fraying. Without really thinking about it I took off the teal bandana and I spread Russell's out across the counter so I could fold it into a triangle. Once it was lined up, I placed it on my head and tied it in a knot at the back of my head.

Before walking out the door, I pushed the teal bandana further on to the counter so it didn't fall.

Later, I returned to the garage to put some tools away and was surprised to see the truck parked there already. I didn't hear him come back.

Well, he wasn't in the garage. Must be upstairs to shower. I leaned on the truck with a sigh. I'd probably done entirely too much today and would be paying for it tomorrow with sore, stiff muscles. For now, this flannel needs to be removed so I don't overheat.  I dabbed at the sweat on my chest and stomach with the shirt.

"Christ. Does she do it on purpose? She doesn't seem like the type to," Russell mumbled just before the door to the house shut. I jumped to face him and his eyes widened. "I thought you had headphones in," he blurted immediately.

"Do I do...  what on purpose?" I asked hesitantly. Even from across the garage and two vehicles I could see him blush. He cleared his throat and gestured to the shirt in my hands. I looked down and suddenly realized that I didn't put a tank top on under the flannel this time. Just a sports bra. I'm sure I looked just like him now as I moved the shirt to cover myself without looking back up. "No, I don't."

"I didn't think you did," he was panicking and I could hear it in his voice, I've heard the same thing from myself multiple times. "I-," he groaned and squeezed his eyes shut in frustration. "After I got home early that one day I've noticed things that I didn't before. I couldn't tell if you were doing it on purpose as like," he shrugged and sighed, "a way of asking? Or what but I didn't want to assume and seem like an asshole so I just didn't react. Not when you could hear at least."

He mumbled the last part and my eyes went back to him.

"Oh, that sounded bad," he groaned. Based on what I've learned from Jen from what she knows about the human brain and body language, he may have just admitted he's attracted to me. So, while he stood there cursing himself for being so stupid, I worked up the courage to just  ask .

"Did you  want me to be asking?"

"What?" He stopped mid-rant about his 'stupidity' to ask. He sounded like he couldn't believe I'd just asked him that. Well, me too, hon.

"Were you hoping I was asking?" I pushed the question out again and he stood silently for a few seconds. Then he sighed and walked up to the truck to lean on the opposite side, right across from me. "I didn't mean to sound like I was. I'm just curious," I told him quietly.

"I assumed as much from your reactions to this conversation," he scoffed but smiled. After a bit more agonizing silence he stood up straight to look at me. "I don't do  casual . So, while part of me did want that to be the case, I didn't know what sex meant to you." He quieted again and looked away again but looked like he still had more to say so I kept my mouth shut. "Then you told me I had the option to renew my agreement and stay longer. This job will be done soon and I'll probably have to leave town for the next but I'm not sure I want to leave."

Seeing his panic rising as it did for me in similar situations, I went to his side and rested my hand over his.

"I'm not mad, Russell. I'm still a bit confused but there's some clarity now."

"Why are you confused?" He asked without looking at me.

"Well,  I don't do  casual  either, for one, but that's because I tend to get emotionally involved once sexual intimacy comes into play. It's important to me and  casual just doesn't work with that. The answer to your question is no, I wasn't doing it on purpose. I understand your confusion, though," I am rambling and need to either shut up or get to the point, "I've been told on more than one occasion that me being nice can come across as flirting. Then there's the fact that I didn't know you a year ago and things got tense recently because you walked in on me trying to get off-"

"'Trying'?"

"Oh, shit. Did I say that out loud?" I sighed but his hand turned up and his fingers laced through mine.

"I guess we're having a heart-to-heart so carry on. 'Trying' is just not something that is normally used in that context." His eyes hand gone to our hands while he talked. "I didn't mean to interrupt."

My heart might explode. He wasn't shying away from the conversation even though I could see how bad he wanted to and knew I also wanted to die in a hole. But instead, he decided to hold my hand . What is going on?

"I forgot what I was explaining," I mumbled in complete honesty. Then he turned to me, letting go of my hand to cup my cheeks and tilt my head so I'd look up at him. He looked worried but why?

"Are you ok?" He locked eyes with me but I nodded.

"I'm good. I'm just not used to having these conversations." He gave me a half-smile for that and slowly ran his thumb over my cheek.

"I get that," he laughed a bit then the smile disappeared. His eyes flashed to my lips then back to my eyes but he shut them and took a deep breath. The movement was so quick, I almost thought he'd just blinked. His next statement told me otherwise. "I want to kiss you."

It was no more than a whisper and I don't think I was really supposed to hear it.

"I want you to kiss me."

His eyes opened again and he leaned closer, stopping just before our lips touched. He hesitated for so long, I didn't think he was going to do it so I started to pull away. Imagine my surprise when he not only kissed me but let one arm fall to wrap around my waist and pulled me closer.

The longer he kissed me, the more I relaxed into him. It was gentle and slow. My arms went around his shoulders and he moved his other hand off my face to wrap around my back, pulling me right against him. Russell's lips left mine and he pressed his forehead against mine.

"What's wrong?"

"I need," he shook his head and cleared his throat, "I need to stop."

"Don't," I told him after a beat. His eyes locked on mine and I smiled at him. "Please don't."

"Are you not catching on? I'm saying I'm-"

I pushed my thigh against his erection and his breath caught.

"I caught on just fine," I said while sliding my hands into his hair, "but I really don't want you to stop."

He watched my eyes for a bit then continued our kiss with more fire than the first one. While lost in our kiss, I didn't realize he'd turned us so I was pressed against the side of his truck. My flannel was gone from between us now but I didn't care. What I  did care about was how badly I wanted to feel his skin against mine. So I slid my hands down his chest and under the hem of his t-shirt.

Knowing his job was tearing down the insides of buildings still wasn't enough to prepare me for how  toned  and  solid he was under that shirt.

He broke our kiss long enough to pull his shirt off. Then he pulled me close again but kissed my neck and shoulder. I ran my thumb along the waistband of his jeans and hummed my approval. His arm that was wrapped around my waist went back around me and he grabbed a handful of my ass.

We both had too many layers on still and I guess he agreed since he brought both hands to the button and zipper on my jeans. Taking that as an ok, I removed his belt then unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans and began pulling them down.

"What are you doing?" His voice had gone thick with arousal as he watched me kneel in front of him, confusion clear on his face. I ran the tips of my fingers over the bulge in his boxers and he slammed his hand on the truck behind me making me jump. When I looked back, I saw his hand wrapped around the top and holding on  tight . "Fuck, sorry. It's- it's been a while, sensitive," he mumbled.

I stood back up, kissing my way back up starting at the hem of his boxers and only stopping once I got to his lips. Quickly, I kicked one tennis-shoe off and pulled down my jeans enough to pull the same shoe-less foot out of them.

"Me too," I told him before grabbing his face and kissing him with as much passion as I could manage. He wrapped his arm around my waist again and I ground against him.

He  moaned and I decided that waiting any longer wasn't an option. I tugged at the waistband of his boxers and he quickly discarded them and my underwear. He moved so quickly that the next thing I knew, I was leaning back against the truck with one leg around his waist and his lips back on mine as he lined himself up. I took a shaky breath as the head of his dick slid over my clit and gave him a full moan when he did push inside me.

My leg tightened around his waist while he held still for a moment. I bit his bottom lip once I felt he'd stayed still too long. It got him to continue, though, so I smiled but moaned again when he thrust into me harder than he had been.

Russell pressed his forehead against mine again and my eyes fell to his. My heart raced - eye contact during sex is not normal for me. I closed my eyes but he kissed me gently.

"Open your eyes" he whispered against my lips. I did but not enough to look at him again. His pace slowed and he brought a hand to my cheek. "Look at me, please."

Not being able to deny that now, he asked twice and said please, I looked in his eyes again. His thumb brushed over my cheek like earlier then he slid his hand in my hair and brought his lips back to mine. Still passionate but this time felt a bit different. Different like he was trying to tell me something without speaking. He broke the kiss and his hand tightened on my thigh. His eyes had only left mine when he closed them to kiss me, once he pulled away he was back to watching my eyes.

A breathless moan left my lips and he smiled then started thrusting faster into me. I squeezed my eyes shut as my breath caught at the feeling of the tension growing in the pit of my stomach. He removed his hand from my hair to reach between us. When his thumb found my clit, I gasped. My eyes popped open and I bit down on my bottom lip in an attempt to not be overly loud.

He kissed along my jaw and my hands tightened around him, one on his bicep and the other on his shoulder. I didn't want this to end but I could feel my orgasm creeping up on me. Curious, I watched and listened to his breathing.

It damn near matched mine.

I brought my lips back to his and his hips stuttered but his thumb continued. Seconds later I was falling off the edge and flying. He cursed under his breath and quickened his pace until a drawn-out moan left him and he wrapped both arms around me, burying his face in my neck.

We held each other in silence for a bit, my arms around his shoulders but one hand up and playing with his curls at the base of his neck. He took a deep breath and kissed my shoulder then pulled away. Before he backed away to pull up his boxers and jeans, he peppered kisses across my cheeks and I smiled. He buttoned his jeans but didn't zip or buckle his belt. I looked at him, confused, as he handed me his shirt.

"Put it on. I'm gonna move the truck real quick."

I was still confused but put on his shirt, as instructed, then kicked off my other shoe. The garage door opened and I realized the sun was going down now. I hope I didn't keep him from anything important. A wave of guilt crashed into me but I pushed it away when I discarded my jeans then pulled up my underwear.

"I'll be just a second. Don't go anywhere," he smiled at me, gave me a quick kiss, then jumped in the truck. I heard the engine cut off just around the corner of the garage and listened to him jump in the bed of the truck. He never kept much in the truck. He told me his emergency supplies stayed always but the most I'd seen in the truck was a couple of bags and boxes when he moved in.

My heart sank when I realized he still hadn't actually answered me about staying or leaving and we'd just had sex. I'd not only admit to my feelings but I let them become a bit more solidified in a short amount of time.

He came back around the corner and froze when he saw me. Probably more the way I was dressed. He didn't really look before he moved the truck. A smile lifted the corner of his lips and he crossed the short distance to me, picking me up in a threshold carry - one arm behind my shoulders, the other behind my knees.

I yelped and clung to him, not expecting to be picked up or carried out to the truck which-

Which he'd laid a few blankets in the back of and pulled the tailgate down.

He gently placed me on the tailgate and I climbed up to the blanket. He joined me shortly after but laid down.

The way he was laying suggested there was room for me next to him but I wanted to be closer. So I put my head on his chest and cuddled close. Russell's arm went around me in response.

We stayed quiet, listening to the sounds of an evening in a place far enough from the general population that the only neighbors for a couple of miles were animals. I'd started mindlessly tracing shapes on his chest.

"I don't usually," Russell trailed off so I tilted my head back to look at him, my hand pausing. He sighed and kept staring at the sky. "I don't usually do the eye contact thing."

"Me either," I assured him.

"It always feels too..."

"Intimate?" I offered and he nodded, going quiet again. When he said no more, I relaxed again and went back to tracing various shapes along his collarbone. Unable to hold in my question any longer, I spit it out. "Are you going to stay?"

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No, I'm scared you will, though," I admitted. "I enjoy having you here and then we..."

I trailed off since I'm not sure where he was with it all and I just started being brutally honest.

He reached across me and pulled me up on his lap. I gave no resistance and straddled his lap, resting my hands flat on his bare chest. His eyes locked on mine and he smiled when a soft blush crept over my cheeks.

"Well, as long as you want me to stay, I'm staying. I don't want to leave." He sat up and cupped my face in one hand. "I'd miss you too much if I did go."

His lips pressed to mine softly and I smiled into the kiss. I could get used to this.