Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

LEXY'S MESSAGES

[12:33 AM]
motoko im incredibly sorry about the freddie miles party

[12:34 AM]
the sentiment is appreciated but I have no idea who this is

[12:34 AM]
thats
fair
[12:35 AM]
this is lexy
uh
legend?
we made out, you gave me your number, and then my idiot friend kaz made a scene about it and I was a complete hypocrite

[12:36 AM]
oh yeah! the pool fight!
not 100% sure what you’re sorry about?

[12:37 AM]
oh
uh
did you not hear?
so heres the thing like. im a guy?
not like im a closeted trans guy! im cis! i acquired an afab body through some messed-up hamptons water magic
and used that to make out with you despite,
not identifying as a woman at the time
that was horribly shitty and deceptive of me

[12:43 AM]
I
appreciate your candor?
I mean I heard I guess I misinterpreted
Ngl I just thought you were nonbinary and I was like “oh dip did I misgender them” but then you took off

[12:44 AM]
what

[12:44 AM]
listen you sounded way too gendersmart to just have been ranma 1/2’d
like, im pissed NOW, and you’re right, that was horribly shitty and deceptive but like
you did not act like a man
I’ll probably be more mad in the morning I’m very sleepy
anyway I appreciate that you realized that was wrong on your own and I will get back to you

Chapter Text

[TELEPHONE LOG, OFFICE OF THE REMEMBRANCER]

LEXY: GOTTLIEB!
GOTTLIEB: The hell do you want, Lexy? It’s one in the morning!
L: I’m having an identity crisis, man!
G: Yo, for real?
L: You remember how I made out with Motoko Goldberg when I was all girlified?
G: Bro, you were agonizing about how to apologize to her all fuckin’ day!
L: I finally texted her and she was all “I thought you were nonbinary, dog”!
G: For real?
L: THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
G: It’s one in the fucking morning!
L: AM I NONBINARY?
G: That’s your decision, bro!
L: THAT’S NOT HELPFUL, DOG!
G: Would you stop yelling at me?
L: Would you give me some fuckin’ advice about what to do when a lesbian calls you nonbinary?
G: Think about whether you’re nonbinary, I guess!
L: Real helpful, Gottlieb. Real helpful.
G: Can we go back to Motoko?
L: She said she’d be mad when she wasn’t as sleepy and she’d get back to me.
G: I like her advice.
L: Dog, I haven’t been forced to seriously consider my identity since they stopped making Beyblades! Help me out here!
G: What did you do when they stopped making Beyblades?
L: I’ve never recovered.
G: What do you want me to say, bro?! You sounded pretty nostalgic about your tits on the Jitney.
L: Man, can we not talk about the Jitney? It’s so degrading.
G: Yeah, my bad.
L: I don’t know, though. I kinda sounded like a creepazoid about it.
G: Like, you only liked being girlified ’cause it meant you could feel some titties whenever you wanted?
L: Yeah, and it let me make out with Long Island’s hottest lesbian.
G: Okay real talk, dog? Why’d you want to make out with Long Island’s hottest lesbian?
L: What kind of question is that? She’s smokin’!
G: There’s equally smokin’ girls who are into dudes! Where does the lesbian factor into this?
L: Forbidden fruit, I guess?
G: Yeah but, like – usually when I hear guys talking about wanting to mack on lesbians they’re all “aw she’s just never had a real man”.
L: What are you getting at?
G: You know that Harry Potter bitch’s bad Flitter opinions?
L: With the bathrooms and shit?
G: Yeah! I saw some t-girl in the notes who was all “it’s way easier to creep on women as a dude, nobody’s subjecting you to any scrutiny”. Are you sure you didn’t just want the validation of a lesbian recognizing you as a woman?
L: I’m not a woman, though!
G: Why not?
L: I don’t know, I’d feel … limited, I guess?
G: Are you limited by being a man?
L: Aw, hell, why’d you have to go and ask me a thing like that?
G: It’s the Socratic method, dog! I’m trying to draw out and examine your inner suppositions!
L: Come on! You know I can’t resist the Socratic method!
G: Answer the question, Phaedrus.
L: I don’t even think I know what a man is.
G: This from a West Side Gentleman?
L: Being genteel transcends gender! Gender’s some stupid Western thing that evolved as a division-of-labor thing that no longer matters in today’s society; gentility demonstrates respect for yourself and your fellow people!
G: I hate to break it to you, Lexy, but I don’t think cis people say “gender no longer matters in today’s society”.
L: FUCK!
G: Where’d you even get all this gender theory, dog?
L: I read a lot of sci-fi written by women and it makes me look stuff uuuuAW SHIT, GOD DAMMIT, REALLY? LE GUIN MADE ME LIKE THIS?
G: The fuck you on about, Lexy?
L: Ursula K. Le Guin wrote a whole fuckin’ novel about a society where people weren’t men or women and I attached to it like a barnacle on 14th Street! Man, I hate learning shit about myself!
G: That’s tight!
L: Gottlieb, buddy, can I ask you for a favor?
G: If it involves getting out of bed, no.
L: Nothing so strenuous. Can you say some shit about me using they/them pronouns?
G: Lexy is my best friend; we met in freshman year of highschool and we’ve been inseparable ever since. They’re my business partner in the burgeoning Caprese Martini label, the mozzarella to my tomato, and I don’t know what I’d do without them.
L: … Bro, I’m gonna tear up.
G: Dog …
L: Wait, hold on, does this make Kaz the basil?
G: I love the boy but he is a human garnish.
L: Damn. Big if true.
G: Can I ask you a favor, Lexy, my bosom buddy?
L: Yeah?
G: Please go the fuck to sleep.
L: Yeah, okay.

Chapter Text

[10:22 AM]
Hey, Lexy. I did some thinking on my morning jog, and ultimately, my anger at you kissing me under false pretenses is balanced by my respect for someone who would own up to his wrongdoing when he could have let me go on believing the false pretenses were true. I still feel violated and don’t forgive you, but I certainly accept your apology, and am willing to let the matter end here so long as you don’t interact with me again.

[10:24 AM]
that sounds fair but actually I don’t think “he” is right for me
you kind of gave me an identity crisis and I think I am, in fact, nonbinary

[10:25 AM]
LMAO 🥚 🥚 🥚
don’t get me wrong that doesn’t in any way make your actions more acceptable but it DOES make them much funnier