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Chapter Text

The woman once known as Kathryn Janeway gazed out to a horizon filled with crashing waves. It was nearing dark and the view of the planet's moon reflected off the water as deep blue and purple hues danced across the sky. A gentle breeze blew through loose strands of her hair and the air became somewhat cooler with nightfall, but not unpleasantly so. The temperature was ideal, as was the view. In a word, her surroundings were nothing short of perfection. Shivering at the use of that particular term, she sat on the beach and slowly let a handful of sand sift through her fingers.

The look in her eyes, like the ideal environment she found herself in, was lacking depth - without warmth or substance. Those eyes which once had the ability to pierce through an enemy's very soul, were now but a shadow of their former potency. She briefly wondered if her colleagues would recognize her and then remembered - they would never have the chance.

"Wanna go check out the caves of the Mordalla system? There's humanoid bones. You can do a bunch of experiments and stuff."

"Not today."  With a very small hint of annoyance, she directed the otherwise monotone response at the being that interrupted her musings.

"C'mon, Aunt Kathy. You can't stay here forever."

A moment passed, and then without re-directing her gaze, she continued the argument. "Time is...irrelevant." 

"Well then maybe ‘now' isn't ‘today' anymore as much as it is ‘tomorrow' which means that ‘today' will be the day to go hang around the dirty, grimy caves of the Mordalla system looking for primate skeletons!" 

He answered enthusiastically, with logic he expected would make a Vulcan stand up and cheer...if they did that sort of thing, and for a moment, her anger flared. She turned around to look at the anxious q that stood before her and noticed he was not unlike any child exuding excitement at the prospect of pleasing an elder. The rage evaporated and she let out a slow sigh. 

"I know what you're trying to do and I appreciate it. I just don't think I'm quite ready."

His bright eyes deflated as she returned her attention to a spot of no special significance resting on the horizon. 

Sitting down a respectable distance from where she was perched, q chose his words carefully before he spoke. Indeed she did teach him a thing of two when his father left the ‘problem child' on Voyager for his Godmother to deal with so long ago.

"Is there anything I can do to make you smile again?"

She looked at him once more, moved to see the sincerity in his eyes. Reaching out to place a hand on his, and gracing him with a sympathetic grin, she asked for the one thing she was sure she could never have. 

"Let me go home."

He looked at her for a long minute. In slow motion he lifted his hand,

...and snapped his fingers. 

She disappeared and q took her place meditating on the horizon. 

"Mom and Dad are going to kill me."

_________________________________

Kathryn immediately realized she had left the Continuum. 

After spending an indeterminable amount of time in the after-life waiting room, as she liked to call it, anticipating the return of Lady Q, she had learned how to manipulate the endless white surroundings with her mind and the ‘waiting room' almost like a mental Holodeck simulation. Since her most abrupt demise, she had learned that her soul (which truth be known, she was still trying to figure out if she believed in it or not) could not be returned to the life that she once knew. Lady Q had prophetically mentioned something about not being able to go back and rather, going forward to her ‘destiny.' But as it was with the Q, the whole statement was amidst a mumble-jumble of utter nonsense that Kathryn couldn't begin to decipher in her present state. All she knew was that she was stuck there until the omnipotent goddess descended from her lofty throne to impart additional unnecessary words of wisdom.

It was very surprising then, that the moment Kathryn left her little piece of fabricated paradise, she felt the very familiar sensations of a transporter.

"Is everything alright, Ensign?"

Kathryn's head suddenly felt like a warp core. She lifted her fingers to the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes for a moment. 

Ensign? 

Slowly opening her eyes, she tried to focus on the lieutenant standing at the controls who appeared fairly nervous as he looked at her waiting for a reply.

"What happened?" Kathryn asked, not recognizing her higher and dare she think, youthful voice.

"I'm not quite sure. You're pattern suddenly became erratic halfway through the transport. I'm running a diagnostic now before anyone else comes aboard. Perhaps you should visit sickbay?"

She hadn't made it back from the Delta Quadrant without mastering the art of thinking on her feet. 

"Thanks. I think I just might do that."

Her head seemed a bit clearer and her feet moved without faltering until she reached the edge of the transporter pad. It was a place she knew very, very well. 

The walls of Voyager's transporter room were all she saw before she lost consciousness.

______________________________

She woke to the sound of beeping monitors. Even before opening her eyes, Kathryn kept still, using the time to align the pieces of the somewhat obvious puzzle together.

Her omnipotent godson sent her back to reality. But it didn't seem exactly like her reality - the fact that she was referred to as an ensign was a dead giveaway of that. But even from the sterile smell of sickbay it was obvious that she was on Voyager. She risked cracking open an eye for a moment and confirmed her suspicions by the familiar lights overhead. Glancing down, she took note of the black and gray she wore, keeping with the correct trends of current Starfleet uniforms. Out of her sleeves, she was able to discern the teal-blue color of a science officer.

"Seems our patient is awake! I'm sure you weren't planning on spending your first day asleep in sickbay."

Now opening her eyes fully, she saw the face of a friend, Dr. Jarem Kaz. The Trill doctor had been an instrumental addition to her former senior staff when the Voyager crew ran into difficulties upon their return home from the Delta Quadrant. When Chakotay was promoted and offered command of Voyager, Jarem became the ship's CMO to the delight of both Chakotay and Kathryn.

Not surprisingly, he didn't recognize her. 

"No, this wasn't quite what I had in mind."

"Well, everything looks okay. The transporter ride certainly didn't agree with you. But the effects were short-term and you just needed a little rest. You're cleared for duty as soon as you feel up to it."

"I feel much better now. Thank you, Doctor." 

After adding the information to the medical log, he looked up at Kathryn with a comforting smile. "Well, you know where you can find me, should you have any lingering adverse effects."

Nodding her thanks, she jumped off the biobed and headed for the doors to the corridor.

"Oh, Ensign."

She spun around faster than she should have and started to feel a bit queasy. 

"Yes, Sir?"

"Commander Paris asked to see you when you were discharged." Upon seeing the question in her eyes he added, "Don't worry, I think he just wanted to welcome you aboard." 

"Of course, Doctor." She gave a half-smile back and headed out the door. 

She made quite sure the corridor on Deck Five was deserted before demanding answers with a quiet, forceful voice. 

"Computer: what is my name and rank?"

"Sarah O'Malley, Ensign"

"What is my position on Voyager?"

"Science officer"

"Where are my quarters?"

"Deck 9, Section 32"

Kathryn headed for the turbolift. 

"Deck 9."

Her quarters offered the smallest bit of living space on the ship, but she grateful to have a cabin to herself. She made her way over to the modest workstation, tapped the consul pulling up her service record, and rambled through the information aloud.

"Ensign Sarah O'Malley; born 2358 Baltimore, Maryland; graduated from Starfleet Academy 2380; concentrations in Quantum Mechanics and Molecular Biology; currently assigned to USS Voyager; Captain: Chakotay; XO: Commander Thomas Eugene Paris... I'm a completely different person..."

"You're welcome. Although, I'm not sure if I should have sent you to Voyager but you did say you wanted to go home."

She should be angry. Her first instinct was tell the whole Continuum to leave her alone and stuff her destiny where the sun doesn't shine. But here she stood. Alive. And if that wasn't enough, she was on her ship with dear friends, and doing what she loved to do.

"I'm not going to lie to you." She paused to look around the gray, personality-less room and then back at where he stood. A tentative smile on her face. "It does feel good to be here."

Q was a tad shocked but tried his best to hide it. 

"However, I'm concerned about what might result from creating Starfleet personnel out of thin air."

"You're not being created out of thin air! Sure, your name and personal history were, but you are still you."

"But I'm not." The words burst from her mouth but she wasn't sure she could understand it herself. "I'm here...with Chakotay and Tom and probably half of my old crew...in my ship, but it's not me. They're all living their lives - thinking Kathryn Janeway was assimilated and blown to bits. Even if I could, I'm not sure I would want to convince them otherwise. What if they get suspicious by my more obvious mannerisms...or speech patterns? We spent seven years together! And what happens when your mother or father decides to whisk me off to a new adventure? How will Sarah O'Malley's sudden disappearance affect the crew and their mission?"

Q started looking sick near the end of her tirade.

"You didn't tell your parents, did you q."

He shrugged his shoulders and sported his best puppy dog pout. "I meant to. Don't worry. I'll take the blame for all that. Just, enjoy doing all your sciencey stuff. If they decide this is a really bad idea, Mom and Dad will just change everything back to the way it was. No harm done."

"I'm still not sure this is wise."

"Aunt Kathy, you're smart. I'll be close by. If you decide that something is really wrong about this, just call me and I'll take you back and fix everything. Okay?"

She paused for a moment and then to his complete shock, she nearly whispered, "Alright."

"Good. Now have fun and remember you can't boss anyone around anymore."

And with that, he was gone. 

Kathryn could do little more than stare at the spot where q just stood until she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror and curiosity prompted her to walk closer. Obviously of Irish decent, a few freckles graced the cheeks around her nose. She had medium-length blond hair and fair skin. But Sarah O'Malley's eyes, she chucked, were exactly the same as Kathryn Janeway's - blue-gray in color with a little sparkle. Standing tall, she immediately took notice of her increased height but still delicate figure.  

"Not bad q," she said smiling. "Not bad at all."

She took a deep breath and tapped her combadge. "Jane.."

Woops.

"O'Malley to Paris"

"Paris here."

"Sir," She grinned. "Dr. Kaz mentioned that you wanted to see me. I was wondering if now is a suitable time?"

"Now is good, Ensign. I'm in the captain's ready room. Do you know the way?"

"I do. I'm on my way."

"We'll be here. Paris out."

The ready room with Chakotay and Tom. 

She absent-mindedly wiped down the front of her uniform. "Great.  Well, O'Malley... might as well get this over with."

And with that, she walked out of her quarters and to the turbolift.

_________________________________________

"You be good for your mother while I'm gone."

Tom was holding the little toddler every second he could. While he was grateful to be XO of the ship where he fell in love and married her mother - the ship they called home for seven years, and where Miral was born, it didn't soothe the piercing pain he felt every time he had to say goodbye. Especially this time. Over the past few weeks he turned to B'Elanna to cope with the seemingly endless heartache caused by the death of Kathryn Janeway. 

Captain Chakotay was not so lucky. He immersed himself in his work and save for the memorial service, politely refused any social invitations from the Paris family...or anyone else. After kissing the little girl goodbye and trying his best to smile, the Captain returned to his position at the viewport of the Ready Room to watch the ships dock at McKinley station. He was anxious to see stars streak by once again.

"Hey."

His posture was stiff - his arms folded across his chest. But with the calm, soothing voice of B'Elanna, his chiseled expression softened a bit. Following her lead, he opened his arms for an apprehensive hug. Far too many embraces had been given and received lately and he questioned whether the gesture at this point, was remotely sincere. 

"Hang in there, Chakotay."

Her grasp tightened around him. He hadn't allowed himself to cry since he learned of Kathryn's death but if he permitted tears, they surely would fallen in B'Elanna's embrace. Although he appreciated her affection, he remained numb.

"I'll be fine."

Ending the hug but still holding his hands, it occurred to her that Janeway would have said something similar.

"I know. But if you ever want to talk, you know where I'll be."

It was at that moment that the door chime sounded and Tom seeing Chakotay with his wife, took it upon himself to call for admittance.

Kathryn stepped through the threshold of her former ready room to see little Miral with her father. She gave them a warm smile.

"Ensign O'Malley. Sorry, we're just saying our goodbyes. I'm Commander Paris and this is our Ensign Paris-in training."

Tom shifted his daughter to his left arm to free up a hand to shake Kathryn's. Miral buried her head in her father's neck.

Kathryn's eyes almost filled with tears watching Tom with his daughter. 

"It's a pleasure to meet both of you."

It had been over a year since she was able to see Miral last and she had grown a great deal in that time. Not for the first time since she had died was she acutely aware of how much she had missed while devoting her whole life to Starfleet. But before she was able to continue that line of thought, her attention was drawn to the woman reluctantly letting go of Chakotay's hands and making her way from the upper level.

"And this is my wife, Lieutenant Commander B'Elanna Torres." Gesturing to Kathryn, "Ensign O'Malley."

"Very nice to meet you, Ensign.  We're on our way out, just wanted to get in one last goodbye."

With a genuinely kind smile Kathryn answered B'Elanna's obvious concern for a lack of protocol. 

"Extenuating circumstances. I understand completely."

B'Elanna gave a look of subdued frustration which Kathryn translated to mean that she had no right to assume how they might be feeling after recent events. But she simply said, "Yes. Well, we should be going." She glanced at Chakotay once more, who had turned back to face the viewport. After giving Tom a deep hug, she collected her daughter, and made her way out of the room.

Tom stared at the door as it closed, but recovered quickly as he lead Kathryn toward the Captain.

"And this...is Captain Chakotay."

As the two approached, Chakotay turned around slowly and took one step forward.

Then stopped dead in his tracks. 

For seconds, he said nothing - just stared into O'Malley's eyes. But then forced himself to recover, attempting a smile as he addressed her. "Good to meet you Ensign O'Malley. Welcome to Voyager."

After working and living so closely for seven years, Kathryn knew this man. And he just sent her a look that made her Klaxons blare. There was a bit too much confidence for an officer on her first mission, as was evident by her chin lifting and a measured reply.  

"Thank you. Sir. I'm grateful to be here."

Then nothing. They just stared at each other, dumbfounded. Finally Paris, unable to deal with the thick tension in the room, stepped in.

"Well, you've already had a fun first day. Why don't you get some rest and you'll be on duty tomorrow morning at 0700?"

"Thank you sir, I'm looking forward to it." She answered Paris without taking her eyes away from Chakotay.

She smiled then, and turned around slowly. Kathryn almost make it to the door when Chakotay's voice stopped her.

"Have a good night, Ensign."

She turned slightly, tilted her head to the side and produced a classic Janeway half-smile. "Yes, Captain.  You too." Then nodding to the befuddled Paris, she made her way out the door.

Chakotay stared at her receding steps as the door closed behind her.

"What was that all about?"

Tom immediately noticed a slight decrease in the number of shadows that had been in Chakotay's eyes just a few minutes before. They were, however, replaced with utter confusion.

"I honestly don't know."

The moment was lost when a small sparkling object caught Tom's eye on the floor where Chakotay had been standing. 

"Did O'Malley drop this?" He asked as he bent to grab a small ring from the Ready Room floor. There was a blue stone in a delicate silver setting unlike anything Tom had ever seen before. 

He looked up to see Chakotay panicked as he pulled the broken chain out from his uniform.  He closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh. As Tom put the pieces together, Chakotay confirmed his suspicions.

"It was still pretty new. No one knew that we were getting...closer." 

Chakotay's voice was distant as if to disconnect himself from the situation, making it quite obvious as to just how deep his feelings ran. He held up the ring that Tom had handed to him and stared at it. "I know it's old fashioned, but I thought she would have appreciated the gesture. I was going to ask the next time I saw her."

Tom stood ramrod straight and speechless. Watching the relationship evolve, the whole crew had been disappointed to see it reach the deep-devoted friend stage and never stray past that point. Never, in his wildest dreams did he have any clue that had changed. But the shimmer of excitement at the implications of this revelation was replaced with a new level of sadness when the reality of the situation painfully reasserted itself. 

"Did she know?" Tom hesitantly asked.

Chakotay's tightly coiled emotions were beginning to unravel and he took a deep breath to keep his composure before quietly answering.

"How much she meant to me?" His eyes became distant like he was actually getting the information second hand from her. "I hope so. ...About this?" He held the ring up to eye level and stared with unfocused eyes. "She never will."

"Chakotay." Tom shook his head slightly and had his captain been looking at him, he would easily catch film of tears in Tom's eyes. "I am so sorry."

Chakotay mirrored his would-be fiancée's crooked grin. Without saying another word, he slowly walked the length of the room and placed the ring on his desk. As he turned to once again take his place at the viewport, he tapped his combadge.

"Chakotay to transporter room one."

"Ensign Larsen here, sir."

"Ensign, there's an item on my desk. It's made of primarily silver and an element listed as DNE425. Lock on and transport it to outside of the hull." 

Tom stood there wanting to plead with him not to go through with this, but he was unable to compose one good argument against his decision. 

"Energize."

He watched helplessly as the symbol of Chakotay's love for Kathryn Janeway disappeared off his desk in a shimmer of blue light.

"Assemble the senior staff, we'll meet in the briefing room in ten minutes and then commence with departure."

Chakotay did not see Tom's clouded gaze as he quietly replied.

"Yes, sir."

____________________________________

He was sitting on the outside Voyager's hull when he saw it: a small, glimmer of light appeared not far away from where he sat. He never would have noticed if he hadn't expected it - if he hadn't been waiting to retrieve it. He half-wondered if he should save the twits some time and just go in there and rip it out of their pathetic grasps. But he waited instead, letting the drama play out. Regardless, this was for her - not them. He held out a hand as the ring floated into his palm. He closed his hand into a fist, snapped his fingers and then he, too vanished in a flash of light.

________________________________________

Great.  Just Great.

She tore across the Bridge and into the turbolift only briefly noticing that Harry Kim sat in the command chair.

She waited for the turbolift doors to close.

"Deck 9. I'm not Kathryn Janeway. I'm not Kathryn Janeway. I'm not Kathryn Janeway."

It became her mantra as the lift made its way to the appointed floor. 

She looked at Chakotay and immediately read him like a book - a dear, cherished book that she knew so well she could recite in her sleep. He hadn't slept in weeks. He lost weight, but there was more than that. The sparkle in his eye, the sensitive expression, his calming presence - he was hurting and there was nothing she could do about it. In fact, without being too presumptuous, she could assume she was the cause of it. She was fighting the tears collecting in her eyes. 

Just for an unguarded second, she had let her resolve drop and Kathryn beamed through. No one would have recognized it unless, of course, you just happened to be her best friend. 

And boy did he ever notice. 

She finally reached her quarters which had by some miracle, been furnished with a replicator.

"Coffee. Black."

The replicator produced a disappointing chirp in response.

"Oh you have got to be kidding me."

After Voyager had returned from the Delta Quadrant, the entire ship had been dissected, studied, and reassembled. What were the chances her replicator-with-a-grudge made it into her new quarters? She laughed at the ridiculous thought and then laying both hands aside she bent down to talk to the offending heap of metal.

"How did you figure out it was me?"

"Must be your charming personality."

She made a 180 degree turn and was practically nose to nose with a much more familiar Q. 

"I was wondering when you would show up."

"It's so nice to see you too, Kathy."

"Sorry. It's just been a bad day."

"You could come back with me."

"Is that why you're here?"

"No. I thought junior's little idea of keeping you distracted until they are ready for you was ingenious. I'm not sure I would have dropped you in the middle of your old ship, but he was always ready to please...much before I ever am, anyway."

"Until who is ready for me, exactly?"

"Now, now Kathy. Don't get all excited. It will all be explained in due time. Until then I'm assuming you want to remain here on the Titanic?"

She nodded, biting her tongue to prevent a rebuttal to come hurling out of her mouth.

"Good, good. Oh, but I do have something for you. For Kathryn Janeway, that is. Not for Sarah O'Malley, you understand."

She started to roll her eyes until he opened his hand and saw the ring. The stone looked remarkably familiar. It reminded her of the polished stones she had found on the bank of the river on the planet she and Chakotay had so affectionately named, New Earth so long ago. She returned to the shelter one day with the few she could find. Chakotay had made a comment about the deep blue resembling the color of her eyes. Tears were threatening again as she directed her gaze back to Q.

"Where did you get this?" she asked as she delicately lifted the ring from Q's outstretched palm.

"Captain Chuckles had it transported into space. The things people throw away these days."

And with a flash he was gone.

Chapter Text

At the end of the day, Kathryn could be found sitting alone in a darkened messhall. 

After spending the evening disassembling and reassembling her replicator with the same unfortunate conclusion, she resorted to desperate measures in order to acquire her much needed cup of coffee. There wasn't really any other reason to be resurrected without coffee...well, almost no other reason. But his presence was ironically the reason she so needed the coffee to begin with.

"With a shot of whisky," she commented to herself out loud. 

Lifting the mug to her lips she took a sip and sighed. Just what the doctor ordered. No. No, the Doctor would refuse to let her get anywhere near this stuff considering what she's been through. 

Her mind began to drift as she idly wondered if Voyager's EMH would be able to tell Kathryn Janeway was hiding underneath the facade of a green ensign. He would be able to see deeper than common tangible characteristics, detecting things that organic beings rarely considered - vocabulary, body language, facial expressions...

He'd know who she was. 

"And what would the harm be?"

...what would be the harm in simply telling Chakotay the truth?

Chakotay...I'm Kathryn. Yeah. He'd probably put her on report. 

Reason for reprimand? 

"Insensitive, bitch-like behavior."

She shook her head. And what if he did believe her? Eventually, she'd have to leave... It would be better then, if he didn't know she was there at all. She couldn't imagine hurting him again. 

"...so I stay incognito."

And if he sees through the mask?

"He won't."

She sighed.

"Oh Chakotay..."

_______________________________________

Chakotay turned off the lights in the living area and started walking in the direction of his bedroom.

It was such a nice evening - a meeting wherein the word "nice" can be truly appreciated as an adjective and yet it doesn't remotely begin to encompass what it represents. 

Pure and simple, it was a dinner shared with his best friend and yet, something was different tonight. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but as he gazed into her eyes sparkling in the candle light, the warmth he had for her in his heart ignited into a much more powerful flame. The possibility had crossed his mind a lonely night or two since they arrived home, but tonight the answers to his questions were confirmed. Heart, mind, and soul he had fallen in love with Kathryn Janeway all over again. In the comfort of the Alpha quadrant, perhaps he now would be able to show her the depth of that love.

She didn't want to leave - that much he knew - but she ran out of reasons to excuse the fact that she was keeping him up dreadfully late before he departed on a three month mission. After dinner and a night cap, followed by another cup of coffee, she finally stood to leave. 

While Kathryn allowed him to help her with her raincoat, he fought the urge to wrap his arms around her from behind right then. He did pull her shoulder-length hair from inside the collar almost reverently, and she shuddered as he tenderly let it fall through his fingers and onto her back.

She turned to him, her eyes slowly rising until they finally met his own.

"Thank you, Chakotay...for another wonderful dinner. You know you spoil me."

"You're a Starfleet admiral. I would say it's much more of a bribe."

She laughed. "Oh stop!" she said as she lightly swatted his arm. "If my influence meant a damned thing you wouldn't be leaving me tomorrow."

The Freudian slip silenced them both as her pulse increased.

"Well," she began sheepishly, "I should let you get some rest. Promise me you'll take good care of Voyager."

"Always, Kathryn." He paused for a moment and then added, "Promise me you'll take care of her real Captain."

"Oh no, she's all yours now."

"Never. I'm just babysitting."

She chuckled again and then hesitantly turned toward the door. Stopping short of activating it, she turned again to meet his eyes.

"Sweet dreams..." 

He made his way around the back of the sofa, leaning on it for strength as he replied.

"You too."

He watched her walk through the door, and there he stood - for a good ten minutes until his mind was clear enough to remind his feet how to walk. Grabbing the two empty mugs from the table, he set them on the kitchen counter, and headed towards his bedroom. He almost made it there when a chime signaled another visitor. He turned around and called for admittance before he reached his living area.

The light from the hallway spilled into his darkened apartment and for a moment, no one so much as cast a shadow from outside his door. 

She entered then, focused on nothing but the ground in front of her. Stopping, she took a deep breath and then turned to meet his awaiting eyes.

"I was wondering...If I might stay..."

Chakotay looked at her face. Emotions that he long thought he would never see directed at him were exposed on the surface of her features - not only longing mixed with a hint of lust, but apprehension, humility, and fear. 

This couldn't actually be happening. Perhaps he had fallen asleep at some point and the vision before him was another twist on the primary subject of his dreams for the past eight years. Here, Kathryn Janeway stood just inside his door shyly asking for admittance into his bed. He answered her with simple honestly.

"I really wish you would."

She took a hesitant step or two and then stopped once again. "Chakotay...I'm going to need a little help here..."

He understood her plea for guidance in this unknown territory and crossed the room to where she stood, gently reaching for her hand and tenderly caressing her fingers with his thumb.

"Just tell me what you want, Kathryn. Either is yours to take - the comforting embrace of a friend, or..." His eyes turned down to their laced fingers and his voice lowered to no more than an affectionate whisper. “Or...something else?"

Her heart pounded and her chest dramatically rose and fell with one shuddering breath. Words escaped her, and so one soft whisper was all she could manage as she glanced up to see his reaction.

"Chakotay..."

And with that she threw herself into his arms. They held one another - hands, arms, faces, attempting to make the greatest amount of contact, neither one really knowing where one ended and the other began. Her right check lovingly rubbed against his - closer and closer until the corner of their lips touched. And for a moment they stilled, breathing one another's air. Tilting their heads ever so slightly, the world fell into place. The tenderness of the first kiss then gave way to a sudden storm of passion. 

It was broken far too soon by the sound of her laughter. Still locked in an embrace, foreheads resting on one another, Chakotay smiled slightly when he questioned her.

"Kathryn?"

"I'm sorry," she said between chuckles. "I just..." she stopped laughing and looked into his eyes, her hand lightly playing with the hairs on the back of his neck. "It's a good laugh. I just can't believe this is really happening. ...I think I lost hope." Her head went back down, embarrassed by her admission.

Two fingers tilted her chin back to his gaze. "I did too. I am happy to have you in my life in any way I can. I need you, Kathryn. But...I never stopped wishing that we'd be here some day."

"Oh I did a lot more than wished!" At his questioning look she continued. "I had more glasses of wine than I should have on quite a few occasions. I cried. I pouted like a child..." Her eyes slipped seductively to the side. "...Imagined up some fantasies to keep me company."  When she looked to him again, she saw the look of raw desire and her playful demeanor vanished to be replaced by the spell of longing.

"I had a few of those too. But now...they're all replaced by visions of this night."

"And the promise of tomorrow." 

She closed her eyes and exhaled in defeat when she heard her own words and realized for the first time since she walked back into his apartment that he would be leaving her tomorrow. He held her close again and spoke quietly in her ear.

"We have tonight...and we have forever. Every moment I have with you is a gift." He drew back and after giving her a head-to-toe calculating look, he swept her up into his arms.

"What are you doing!" she squealed in between laughs as he carried her down the hallway.

"Unwrapping my gift."

________________________________________

Chakotay mindlessly toured the ship deck by deck. Sleep was consistently illusive, and the horrors that plagued his dreams on the few occasions when the oblivion of sleep was unavoidable, made him strangely grateful for the insomnia. Instead, he adopted another habit of his former captain - aimlessly wandering through the vessel they called home. The Starfleet-gray corridors served as an empty canvas, allowing his memories to be subconsciously projected onto the bland walls. 

His quarters had become a cell, holding him captive to the overwhelming feeling of emptiness that had taken residence in his heart these days. He went as far as to entertain the possibility of moving out of the captain's designated quarters to a cabin that housed far fewer memories. He was sure the scent of coffee assaulted his senses every time he entered the living area which, truth be known, had made him physically ill twice in the past month.

The pain was so close to the surface. And although he considered taking additional leave, he needed to be in space. She lived here. She died here. And so, this was where he belonged. 

Exiting the lift on deck two, he wished, not for the first time, that he would be greeted by a friendly Talaxian upon entering the mess hall. Kathryn would often stop by here as well during her many sleepless nights. He smiled when he thought how he'd find her sitting, staring out of the viewport at stars streaking by. Her silhouette would be just a shadow framed by the light. Her feet would be propped on the table in front of her, as she nursed the ever-present mug of...

He stopped dead in his tracks as soon as he entered the darkened mess.

There, sitting in a chair, was a woman drinking coffee and staring out at the stars. 

The mess hall doors did not alert her to his presence and so he hesitantly took a few more steps into the room but froze in place when the apparition reached a hand up and under the top of her turtleneck to massage the aching muscles at the base of her neck. 

Images of Kathryn, sitting in her quarters after a late night clouded over the present scene before him, and without realizing his voice was even functioning, he took a deep breath and exhaled in a whisper.

"Kathryn."

Kathryn's eyes went wide and she tensed at the sound of her whispered name. She looked in the viewport glass to see the reflection of Chakotay staring at her. She made a quick check of her own reflection - her blond hair stood out in the starlight. 

But he knew it was her. 

Elation and panic filled her. For him to see her so clearly regardless of her appearance, stirred her heart in a way she had never felt before. She was thrilled he knew her so intimately that her presence was apparent in the very way she held her coffee. However, the knowledge that she had let her guard down again so easily was...unsettling. She hadn't meant to, of course - she didn't even know that he had walked through the door. 

He was caught in a trance, seeing what he wanted to see, and waking him from the dream was her responsibility. With one word, she shattered the illusion. 

"Captain," she spoke quietly. Slowly, she stood to properly greet her superior officer and to gauge his reaction. Her eyes were wide open, wanting desperately to give him the small amount of comfort she could.

Though his expression initially showed a hint of alarm, his chin dropped - a technique she was guilty of executing when she needed a moment to collect herself. When he looked back up, he wore a faint grin on his face.

"Would you believe you reminded me of someone?"

She smiled openly at him now.

"I'll take that as a compliment, sir."

He laughed.

"At ease, Ensign." 

She delicately sat back down as he walked further into the mess hall. 

"You shouldn't. Her blatant disregard for her own health is legendary among her former crew."

"Especially you."

Chakotay looked at this subordinate and wondered why her brazen assumption didn't inspire a reprimand. 

"That's true."

He clasped his hands behind his back and walked up to the viewport.

"When there was storm on the horizon - one that caused negative apprehension to permeate every inch of this ship: a difficult negotiation, an impending Borg attack," he turned back to look at the Ensign, his ‘storyteller hat' firmly in place. "..when the Admiral ran out of rations for coffee - I'd often find her here while the ship slept. She was truly relaxed - feet up on the table, massaging the back of her neck, cradling a cup of coffee."

He paused, lost in memories.

"Maybe by finding somewhere neutral on the ship, she could forget that she was the Captain," Kathryn offered.

Chakotay laughed slightly and looked to the floor.

"You know, if you ever said that to her, you'd be scrubbing plasma manifolds. But there's truth in what you say." Turning now, he folded his arms and faced Sarah head on.

"Over the years Kathryn Janeway all but disappeared in to the persona of ‘the Captain.' She would say that she had to be on-call at all times - that she couldn't afford the luxury of relaxation. But it was more than that. I think she felt that it was easier that way. 

"We all dealt with the grief of losing family and friends and home. The 'Captain' didn't have those luxuries to lose - Kathryn did. And every time we would spend off-hours talking, laughing - the times when I saw the woman I..." he stopped short in mid-sentence. And then after mentally weighing the options for a moment, he continued. "The woman I loved...at the end of the evening, she'd become distant. 

"She tried to hide it and I let her believe that she had. Selfishly, I thought it was because she didn't want the evening to be over - that she was enjoying our time together. But I think it was more than that."

"After spending an enjoyable amount of time with you, perhaps she realized all that she had sacrificed. It was easier to be the captain than to love in a life filled with so much uncertainty."

She rose to join him at the viewport.

"And, in turn...by being ‘the Captain' it made it impossible to be with you the way she would have liked."

She turned from him and looked out at the stars.

"Catch 22," she concluded.

Chakotay turned and looked at her. Arms clasped behind her back, O'Malley stood straight and saw nothing, save for the lights passing by at warp speed. There was a sadness in her eyes, but she carried with her a great deal of strength - her shoulders firm and chin locked in place. She would be intimidating, he realized, as her career progressed. But she certainly wasn't intimidating when speaking with him, and the reason had nothing to do with command structure. Very few people knew how deep his feelings for Kathryn ran. Now this ensign was one of the few. His musings were interrupted by the sound of the mess hall door. 

Astall, the ship's counselor stood respectively at the entrance and was prompted to speak only after her Captain turned slowly to face her.

"Captain, my apologies for interrupting but I was wondering if I might have a word with you."

Chakotay turned to see Sarah still looking at the stars, but repressing a knowing laugh.

For a young ensign, she certainly saw this interruption for what it really was - a supreme effort made to pin down the commanding officer for a counseling session.

"If you would excuse me, Ensign."

"Of course, sir."

He made to follow Astall near the door and then slightly turned to look at Sarah O'Malley once again. For a moment he toyed with the notion of asking her to keep all he had said in the strictest confidence. But then she turned slightly to meet his gaze, one side of her mouth upturned, she gave him a confirming nod. 

He had nothing to worry about. 

He nodded back to her and left the mess hall with Astall.

_______________________________________

"Captain, I must be completely honest. I seriously question your fitness for duty at the present time."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"On the contrary. Not long ago Starfleet personnel were required to take time for bereavement purposes."

It was true. But Chakotay had requested that Voyager be sent on the next available mission. The tally of high-ranking officers was still not what it once was before the Dominion war, so the admirality did not make an objection - not that they really had a basis on which to object as they had no concrete idea what Admiral Kathryn Janeway's affiliation was to her former First Officer.

They certainly had their suspicions though.

This Huanni had her suspicions, too. True, her Captain never came right out and professed his love, but her empathic skills filled in the blanks for the portions of the story he left out. 

In the elevated section of the Ready Room, the stars passed by at Warp speed. The Captain was difficult to schedule for an appointment, but Astall was usually able to find him wandering the ship at all hours of the evening. It seemed as if he wanted to spend less and less time in his quarters. As expected, she found him awake in the mess hall tonight. She firmly suggested they go back to his cabin or her office. He refused, requesting somewhere much more formal. 

And here he stood - hands clasped behind his back, looking absentmindedly outside the viewport. His demeanor was a complete contrast to how he appeared in the mess hall with Ensign O'Malley. He barely moved since they arrived.

"I need to be out here."

"Because Admiral Janeway died in space?"

"Because Kathryn lived in space." Anger and aggression forcefully making its presence known. "She would want me to keep fighting the fight - to keep her hopes and dreams alive."

"Wouldn't she want you to take care of yourself? Move on with your life and accept that she's gone?"

"She's not gone." He began pacing now. "You don't understand what we saw out there. Hell, I watched her die on a few occasions - saw the life leave her eyes as I held her in my arms. But she even beats death. 

"...woman has more lives than a cat."

"So you are remaining optimistic because there was no physical evidence of her death."

"Maybe?" Calming a bit, he slumped into a nearby chair and looked at Astall for the first time since they left the mess hall. "There hasn't been emotional evidence of her death either." At her look of confusion, he continued. "I have no right to presume Kathryn and I are somehow linked but, I can't explain it - it feels like she is here."

"In this room?"

"No...yes? On this ship - in my life? In the past, the times I have spent without Kathryn were obvious - as if something was drastically wrong. And - I know you're going to say it's denial but - I just truly have the feeling that she's not gone."

Astall weighed a possible argument carefully. She knew Chakotay was a fiercely spiritual individual, and for her to mistakenly imply that his beloved friend had essentially crossed over, could exasperate the situation more. 

Maybe his beliefs should do the counseling for her.

"When is the last time you embarked on a vision quest?"

Chakotay caught her point. He couldn't find the courage since news of Kathryn's death, and was fully aware of the fact that this was due to the numbing fear that he would find her spirit there to greet him.

He smiled slightly and returned to his starlit vigil.

End of session.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

The mountain was once the tallest peak on the planet. A sculptor began chipping away at the stony façade at age fourteen, and continued until the day he died at one hundred thirty-eight. The result was a grand hall with stone pillars stretching up to the clouds, made entirely of a single piece of pale-gray rock. Flowers adorned each pillar in tasteful subtlety. The room lacked a ceiling and featured gaps between the formidable columns spanning 10 meters or so in length - providing an unobstructed view to the far off horizon. 

The Tritoreans were a hospitable, humanoid species, closely resembling Vulcans physically but much more emotionally driven - Tom even called them dramatic - with a quality of stirring grace infused into every move they made. They were dressed in flowing silks. Their quiet, purposeful movements were a thing of beauty as they made the Voyager crew comfortable in this, their most treasured structure.

She found him away from the crowd, on a balcony standing with his feet apart, his hands behind his back. As she approached he stirred a bit at her presence, but his eyes remained transfixed on the stars emerging in the darkening sky.

Kathryn took her place by his side. She had hoped this would be a pleasant conversation, that he would have been anticipating a repeat performance or that they could at least laugh about the way their friendship had snow-balled into one crazy, but harmless night. She wished he would smile.

...but suspected he wouldn't.

And it seemed reality was living up to her expectations.

It was clear he didn't want to start this, and maybe it was a mistake to have a conversation of this nature during a diplomatic mission. But Kathryn had never really been one to curb her feelings in hope that the ideal situation presented itself.

"Chakotay, I thought we might..."

"Captain." 

In the corner of his vision, he could see her turn her head abruptly toward him, and so he explained, "I think it might be best to keep things formal...don't you?"

Only when she returned her gaze back to the picture-perfect view of the distant mountains did he glance over to gauge her reaction. A bit more relaxed, he resumed his watch as twilight turned to night.

"Last night...was a severe lapse in judgment on my part. I would certainly expect you to report my transgressions to Command."

It had been the closest she had been to Chakotay in so long. It was the closest she had imagined she would ever be again. That was no transgression. It was a gift - one she would hold close to her heart no matter what her destiny held.

"That won't be necessary...Captain."

"I was out of line, Ensign."

"Sarah." She corrected. "Once you screw an ensign, I think you can call her by her name."

"Please, Sarah."

"Please? What exactly are you asking for, Chakotay? You want me to pretend it never happened? Is that it? Sorry. No can do."

"Please don't make this any more difficult than it already is."

"For who, Chakotay? For you?" She shook her head and folded her arms. "I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew a relationship was out of the question. I had no misgivings about what I was to you."

"And what was that, exactly?

"A distraction."

"Spirits, Sarah - you're much more than that."

"It's alright. I get it. You needed a release, I gave it to you."

"If I recall correctly, you came on to me. You're not exactly blame-free in this little scenario."

"You think this is a game?" Her argument became louder. "I truly care about you, Chakotay. I can see you are hurting. I want to do whatever I can to help!"

He had to turn his head to break eye contact. Her eyes so resembled Kathryn's, he couldn't bear to see the hostility pouring from their blue depths.

"What is it you want from me?" she asked, pleadingly.

The question took him off guard, but he was interrupted as he attempted to formulate an answer.

"Kim to Chakotay"

He took a few steps away from her and their argument.

"Go ahead, Harry."

"I'm sorry to disturb you, Sir but I have bad news. One of the receptors on the moon is down - damaged in a storm."

Sarah closed her eyes in frustration.

Harry was monitoring the condition of the receptors while holding down the fort on Voyager. They had planned on initiating the energy wave tomorrow at 0700. If all went well, they would be headed back to Sector 001 by the afternoon. 

"Can O'Malley and I transport directly to the site?"

"I don't think so. Atmospheric activity in that area is still too unpredictable."

Chakotay was quiet for a moment before arriving at his decision.

"Then we'll take a shuttle over. Chakotay out."

He started walking away and she only half-caught the order that he casually threw over his receding shoulder.

"Let's go."

______________________

He wasn't concerned about Sarah's professionalism. It was as fine-tuned as her research. She would never allow their argument to interfere with her work. Still, he wouldn't have minded some conversation on the trip to the moon. Instead he sat next to her in the cockpit of the shuttle feeling the rage radiate off of her skin.

"I really wish you wouldn't do that."

"Do what, Captain."

She could have just called him a worthless paramecium and he would have been less insulted.

But he ignored the bait.

"Just sitting there seething. If you have something to say, let's hear it."

She was quiet for a moment and then defeated, she replied, "I don't know what else to say."

What anger he had been harboring was cooled with her tone. He took a moment to glance over at her and she appeared tired...and close to tears.

"You said you had no misconceptions regarding where my heart is in all this. Just talk to me. Before last night, we were pretty good at that."

It was the tenderness that was her undoing. 

The man that she loved was sitting half a meter away from her. Loving her, though conveniently not aware that he did, and pleading with her for honesty. And suddenly she couldn't remember why it was such a bad idea. This was what he needed. This was what she needed. And if she told him the right way...there was a chance he would speak to her again.

But he interrupted before she could say anything.

"The storm is blanketing the atmosphere - I don't see a way around it."

After confirming his assessment, she concluded, "We're going to have to punch our way through."

He did a double take, but Kathryn didn't notice. She was already converting power from non-essential systems to re-enforce the shields. "I'm reading increased electro-magnetic activity on the northern hemisphere..."

"That's the location of the malfunctioning receptor."

She smiled slightly as she answered, "Naturally."

Chakotay was flying closer and closer to the moon trying desperately to come up with a solution.

"Chakotay..."

"Yes, Sarah."

The fact that their camaraderie was repaired at least in crunch time was re-assuring. But it made what she had to say more difficult.

"We're going to crash."

He exhaled, "You know you shouldn't listen to everything the First Officer says. He has a habit of over-exaggerating the truth. I don't crash every shuttlecraft..."

"Chakotay, if Tom went through that turbulence, he would crash too. I'm not saying that the shuttlecraft is going to look like confetti..."

"That's reassuring," he interrupted.

"But it's not going to be a routine landing."

"Agreed. So what's your idea?"

She paused a moment and then answered, "Let's crash as close as we can to the receptor location."

"That's it?"

"Do you have anything better?"

"Nope."

"Alright. Let's do it."

They entered the atmosphere and the shuttle began to shake.

"Eighteen thousand meters and falling." Chakotay reported.

"Hang in there...just a little more." Kathryn said to the shuttle.

They were surrounded by lightning. "Fifteen thousand meters." A loud noise could be heard from the aft section. "What was that?"

Kathryn was consumed in maintaining structural integrity, even though she wasn't entirely successful. "Oh that was just a small section of the outer hull." She stated calmly.

"Well if that's all it was..."

Again and again, the shuttlecraft was hit by lightning.

"Switching to manual navigation. Can we transport to the surface?"

"We could."  Kathryn replied, "If I hadn't used power from the transporters to re-enforce the shields."

"Makes sense. Ten Thousand meters. We're coming in too fast. Hull temperature is exceeding forty-five hundred degrees."

"Converting all power to reverse thrusters."

"Eight thousand meters and falling."

"Could you please not use the word ‘falling?'"

"Three thousand."

"Brace for impact!"

__________________________

"Chakotay!" 

The shuttlecraft was filled with smoke. The slight scent of burned flesh could be identified apart from the overwhelming bombardment of fried electrical components.

"Warning. Proton torpedo misalignment. Detonation in five minutes."

"Did you hear that, Chakotay? We need to get out of here."

Just then the smoke shifted away to reveal his legs sticking out of a piece of inner hull. Rushing over to him, she threw the metal off and knelt by his side. He was likely thrown from his seat and Kathryn couldn't be sure what sort of spinal injuries he might have experienced. He was badly burned and unconscious. She took the time to find a medical tricorder.

As she scrolled through the information, she closed her eyes to ward off the panic she felt. He had to get back to Voyager. But she couldn't take the time to contact them right now.

The manual release for the hatch wasn't moving. There was no way they were getting out that way. Transporters were dead. She glanced back at Chakotay. "Not this time." She commented to herself. The man she loved was not going to die in a shuttle-craft ever again. But she was running out of options.

"Warning. Proton torpedo misalignment. Detonation in four minutes."

She felt blood dripping down her face.

For the first time she noticed her own injuries. She didn't remember anything after the crash - which meant she was probably fighting a nasty concussion as well. Her uniform was tattered and charred. Her mind was about as clear as the air in the..

The air in the shuttle was clearing out. She could vaguely see an opening near the aft section flooring. It took three kicks, and nearly passing out, to widen the crack to a narrow opening. 

"Warning. Proton torpedo misalignment. Detonation in three minutes."

She tried to move Chakotay. He wouldn't budge. Weighing the risks only for a moment, she picked up the hypospray that would force him to regain consciousness, and pressed it to his neck. Immediately giving him another to dull the pain that he was undoubtedly feeling, she was surprised to hear his voice...but not surprised to hear the one word he said. 

"Kathryn.."

"Nope...but really close."

She began moving him to a standing position and he followed her - not fully understanding what was going on.

"Sarah? ...what happened?" he weakly asked.

"We crashed." She stately the obvious.

"Good."

"I beg your pardon."

She had no time for this.

"I'll be with Kathryn soon."

"Warning. Proton torpedo misalignment. Detonation in two minutes."

"Oh no you don't. You've gotta stay with me, Chakotay. We're going to be okay if you just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other."

She got to the hole, in the hull and carefully lying him down on the deck, she slipped through the opening. Then she gently pulled him by the feet inches at a time, down and outside, until he stood with assistance once more.

"Warning. Proton torpedo misalignment. Detonation in one minute."

Without even realizing he was walking, he used her like a crutch as she hastily led him away from the crash site. Counting down an approximate minute in her head, she led them toward a formation of rock. No sooner were they huddled on the other side of its surface, the shuttle exploded sending billowing black smoke into the already dark, storm-filled sky. 

Kathryn, panting from the exertion was relieved when they heard the blast. She sat back for a moment to catch her breath only to hear Chakotay's labored breathing. It did not fit with his calm appearance - a contented smile on his face as he stared at her.

"Chakotay?"

With a certain degree of difficulty he inhaled and exhaled and then opened his mouth to speak.

"I'm going to miss you, Sarah."

She ripped a piece of her jacket off to dab the blood on his face.

"You're not going anywhere."

"I'm going to see Kathryn."

"Chakotay, listen to me...if you die, I can guarantee you won't see Kathryn."

He managed to laugh.

"Sarah, you've been so good to me. But it's time. I need to be with her."

"If you need to be with Kathryn Janeway, than you need to stay right here."

He began to close his eyes and she panicked, jumping up and straddling his legs.

"Chakotay, I'm here, I'm here with you."

She could faintly hear the sound of another shuttlecraft making its way to the surface as the sun broke out from a cloud behind where she sat. When Chakotay looked up at her again, her face was in shadows, framed by sunlight. All he could see was her eyes.

"...Kathryn?"

Tears were pouring down her face as she desperately led him back to her.

"Yes, Chakotay."

"I'm dead?"

She smiled this time, "No, but you have to fight. You have to fight to stay with me."

She squeezed the hand that was not red with burns.

The sun retreated behind a cloud once more and Kathryn morphed before his eyes. 

"Sarah?"

"No, Chakotay...it's Kathryn. Don't leave me, please don't leave me."

She laid her forehead on his shoulder briefly and sat back up to look at him, but he was no longer looking at her face. Still connected to the chain on her neck, the ring hung through a hole in her uniform.

With what little strength he had, he reached up and ripped the delicate chain from her neck.

"Where did you get this?"

"Q."

"What!?" Suddenly he was lost and confused and just wanted to get away from her to clear his mind.

"Q retrieved it from the outer hull and gave it to me."

"Why?"

"Because you wanted to give it to me."

"That's Kathryn's ring."

"Chakotay...I'm Kathryn."

Distressed and weak, he stared into her eyes.

"It's me, Chakotay."

His eyes started to close.

"Kathryn."

She sobbed into his uniform calling his name as he lost consciousness only partially noticing the rescue team that had reached their position.

Chapter Text

Mission accomplished, albeit amid another brush with death. Voyager was en route to the Sector 001 at warp six. Her Captain was in the Ready Room since his release from sickbay - ignoring Dr. Kaz's orders for rest and relaxation. 

He continued to stare out the viewport as he answered the chime for his door.

Kathryn entered slowly with her head low, fiddling with her fingers. If her physical appearance looked like Kathryn Janeway, her apprehensive posture would have prompted Chakotay to question her health. But worn on Sarah, it more resembled the fitting insecure immaturity of a green ensign. After a deafening silence, she realized he wasn't going to start this.

"I wanted to see how you were doing."

A single sarcastic laugh was all she received in reply.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come."

She turned to leave and almost made her escape when his words stopped her in her tracks.

"Were you ever going to tell me?"

Her eyes shut and the door facing her closed as she stood rooted in place.

"That's really all I want to know. Because if you didn't plan on telling me," he turned and began to make his way to the lower level, his voice growing more heated as he spoke. "If you planned on simply...lying to me...trying to convince me that you were some random officer instead of the woman I'm in love with, the other half of my soul... 

"...If you wouldn't tell me that you're Kathryn Janeway - then there's no way in hell you are her. Kathryn Janeway is no coward."

He turned to lean on his desk for support. Taking a few steadying breaths he bent his head to glance her way. She was still facing the door, and he could tell she was silently crying. Sighing deeply, he walked back to her. "I never wanted to see another ocean because it reminded me of her eyes, or a sunrise because I saw her auburn hair." Gently placing his hands on her shoulders, he turned her around to face him. Her eyes were still cast down, refusing to meet his. 

"I didn't want to see another day. Because a day without Kathryn Janeway isn't a day worth living..."

She hesitantly looked toward him - her pleading eyes filled with tears... when suddenly the ship was thrown out of warp and an eerie red glow was cast on the ready room walls as Voyager stood still in space.

Kathryn's eyes went wide and for a fraction of a moment they stood staring at one another, before bounding out onto the Bridge.

"Report."

"Wish I could, sir," Campbell replied from Opps. "No space anomalies, no power fluctuations."

"Helm?"

"Unresponsive."

"Chakotay to Engineering."

"Vorik here, sir."

"Care to explain to me why we're dead in the water?"

"At this time we are unable to diagnose the cause of this malfunction. The warp core is in perfect functioning order. It simply is not functioning." 

Chakotay suppressed the urge to roll his eyes as Tom added, "All decks reported in - no injuries. All systems normal, aside from our inability to move. At red alert and awaiting your orders." 

Chakotay debated for only a second then looked back. Kathryn was standing out of the way below tactical watching the proceedings with a concerned look all over her face. 

"Suggestions?" he prompted her. 

If anyone found it odd that their Captain was asking the opinion of an ensign - they didn't show it. Lately he had been making many odd choices. But she didn't have a chance to reply. As Chakotay had been looking at her, awaiting an answer, her face turned from contemplation to alarm - focused on something in the middle of the bridge, beyond where he stood. 

He turned back around to see a small girl with blond hair and a pink dress. Her face was a picture of innocence but when she spoke, her voice was far from childlike.

"I'm here for her," she said with disdain as she aggressively jutted out her chin toward where Kathryn stood.

The Bridge officers looked at Sarah O'Malley slightly confused.

Chakotay looked into Kathryn's eyes in panic - taking visibly deep breathes.

"I'm here for Kathryn Janeway."

And with that, Sarah's appearance dissolved to reveal Kathryn Janeway in full admiral uniform.

Chakotay knew that Sarah was Kathryn but to see her now before him made his heart soar. His conviction returned, he made his way over to stand beside her once again.

"Over my dead body."

"Not a problem."

"Suspiria...wait."

Kathryn had identified their visitor. Chakotay realized now, that they were dealing with the female caretaker who had nearly destroyed the ship more than ten years ago. This information should have concerned him - and it did to a point. But he couldn't help the elation he felt at hearing Kathryn's voice again.

Though he wished he didn't hear what she said next.

"I'll go with you," she said in a barely audible voice. "But I'll need a moment."

Suspiria appeared annoyed, but made no move to take her by force. Chakotay stared at her in shock, searching for any way he could stop this. Their options were limited. They had developed a weapon based on a component found in the original caretaker's remains, but that along with nearly the rest of the ship had been confiscated and studied by Starfleet when they returned. The schematics were classified. And he didn't imagine he had that kind of time to get in touch with Command.

"Chakotay..."

She interrupted his musings. He closed his eyes and tensed. She was saying goodbye.

"I'm so sorry."

He turned around but could not meet her eyes.

"I never wanted to lie to you. I knew I wouldn't be able to stay forever. I was afraid."

The fact that this was perhaps not the ideal location for this discussion was lost on them.

"Afraid of what, Kathryn?"

"That I would hurt you...all over again."

He folded his arms and looked down at his feet, his voice was breaking as he spoke.

"I looked for you. I went on a vision quest and looked for your spirit and I couldn't find you. ...I didn't know what to think."

She gave him a sad, affectionate smile.

"I was kidnapped...by a tall Q with long, flowing red hair and a bad attitude."

He reached for her hands.

"I can't let you go, again...I won't."

The tears she had not realized she had been holding in now escaped in a strangled sob.

"Oh Chakotay," she said throwing herself into his arms.

They held each other for only a few moments, clinging to each other tightly. Chakotay hoped there would be bruises where her fingers grasped into his arms. But Suspiria's voice brought them back to reality.

"There isn't much time."

They reluctantly backed out of the embrace and she smeared the moisture out of her eyes. Still holding Chakotay's hand she looked from Tom to Harry and tried to smile.

"Goodbye, my friends. Take care of him, will you?"

"We'll keep an eye on him, Admiral," said Tom from the XO seat with a comforting smile.

"We'll..." Harry started speaking and then threw caution to the wind. "We're really going to miss you, Admiral."

Tom put his head down to hide his wide smile. Leave it to Harry.

"Harry...I'm so proud of everything I've see you accomplish. But I'm more honored that I'm able to call you a friend." 

Chakotay was only half-hearing the proceedings, staring at the floor and clutching on to her hand for dear life. 

"Thank all of you." She said raising her voice to direct her appreciation to the entire bridge crew. "You've made this time so very fulfilling for me. Thank you for being the officers and individuals that make me proud to have served alongside of you."

She took a deep breath and letting it out, squeezed Chakotay's hand, was still entwined with hers. She took a few steps toward Suspiria and he followed her lead. She embraced him again.

"I love you Chakotay. I'll always love you."

"...I love you." 

She released him now and took the last two steps to stand beside Suspiria.

He looked at her, panicked. 

"Wait!"

Reaching under the neck of his uniform he pulled out her ring, snapping the chain. 

"Can you take this?

"Chakotay, you should..."

"Please?"

She hesitated a moment before replying.

"...I'd love to."

He was about to hand it to her but thought better of the decision. Standing in front of her he gently took her hand.

"Kathryn Janeway...you found me in the darkness and rescued me. You were sent to capture a warrior, and instead you gave my heart, love and my soul...peace. You will be in my mind and in my heart for the rest of my days. I love you, Kathryn. I wanted to be your partner in life, but our spirits are connected in a more profound way that not even death can destroy."

He slipped the ring on her finger and kissed her hand. 

Squeezing his fingers, she whispered, "We will meet again."

Releasing his grasp he backed away and, though it took everything in him - he smiled.

She did the same with silent tears pouring down her face. 

In a shimmer of light they began to vanish. He saw more than heard her say, "I love you," as she disappeared.

The bridge was silent. The red alert was dismissed. The lights regained full illumination. He slowly walked over to the command chair and sat down. The other bridge officers reverently did the same.

"Helm, continue previous heading."

"Aye, sir."

Chapter Text

He resigned from Starfleet the next day.

Part of him thought she might be disappointed in him for abandoning Voyager, but he’d cross that ion storm if and when he had the opportunity. 

His days were powered by determination and fear. 

Before Sarah, he would have welcomed death. He’d gladly follow Kathryn down that abyss to the unknown. But now, it wasn’t so simple. Now he knew if the spirit world was where you ventured after your body succumbed, Kathryn wouldn’t be waiting there for him. And nothing could possibly terrify him more.

The shuttlecraft was small – much smaller than the Delta Flyer. But as Tom said, "It’s what’s under the hood that counts." Chakotay had friends in high places…in regards to engineering, that is. And it didn’t take too much convincing to get B’Elanna to enhance his ship with an experimental slip-stream drive. He was even able to reach the Delta quadrant before the Benamite crystals gave out. After that, he was forced to be content with warp two.

Navigation was a problem, too. The star charts from their long years on Voyager were under lock and key at headquarters – available for every outgoing Starfleet vessel, but not for civilian perusal. So Chakotay was forced to rely on his memory. He set his sights to a point in the sky and never looked back.

Second star to the right and straight on ‘til morning.

He found friends along the way. And enemies. He ran into a lonely Borg cube from time to time and held his breath as he was scanned by long-range sensors. But they weren’t interested. Not even good enough for a drone.

The Ocampan weren’t so lucky.

He found the station where they met Susperia before. There wasn't much evidence of a battle, but there were clear signs of the Borg. In an anti-grav suit, he looked for any indication Kathryn had been there.

Nothing.

He climbed back into the cockpit of his shuttle and continued on.

Chakotay lost all trace of time in the monotony of the stars. It seemed as if he spent all his days begging and bargaining for fuel. And that was how he found himself on the planet he now occupied. 

And his mind wasn’t too far gone to know this planet would be his last stop. 

Ambition, enthusiasm, and hope could not compete with inevitability. His shuttle had made a crash landing. It would never fly again. And complicated by his elevated age, Chakotay had barely survived. If it weren’t for the help of strangers on this unknown planet, the limp he acquired in the crash along with the scar down his cheek would be the least of his problems. 

As he gazed into the crowded marketplace he commented inwardly that this was not really where he would have chosen to spend the remainder of his days, given the option. But he had long ago acknowledged that his path was set before him,and his way was clear.

He followed the trail of one Kathryn Janeway.

He pictured for a moment, Kathryn sauntering knowingly, standing out amidst the collage of shoppers in the outdoor stores. He imagined she'd pause to turn her head back. With her hand on her hip, she'd look at him, shake her head, and smile.

“That was a beautiful smile I saw for just a moment.”

His musings were interrupted as he looked up into the eyes of a young woman wearing a hooded cloak. 

“I am a nomad nearing the end of my journey. My memories serve as good company these days.”

She quietly sat beside him, matching his gaze into the crowd. Chakotay stole a look and from what he could see of her face, he could have mistaken her for a human, if he didn’t know better.

“Where are you from, nomad?”

He breathed out a sigh.

“I’ve journeyed for many years.”

“From Earth?”

He turned to look at her curiously.

“How do you know about Earth?”

Her head dropped a bit and she smiled faintly and removed her hood to reveal her elfkin features. Then turning, she met his gaze. 

“Let’s just say, you don’t have to be a telepath to know where you’ve traveled from.”

She stood and held out her hand.

Chakotay stared in shock, breathing heavily. Only one word escaped his lips.

“Kathryn?”

With her arm still extended, she smiled.

“…is waiting for you.”

In a daze he clasped her hand and stood. She touched a medallion on her wrist and they vanished.

_______________________________

Chakotay settled in the co-pilot’s seat of the alien shuttlecraft. While he trusted this Ocampan, he couldn’t imagine what his immediate future had in store for him. The implications of their meeting hadn’t quite hit home.

He looked over at her as she gracefully manipulated the controls.

“So, where are we headed?”

“New Ocampa.”

His eyes widened and he took a deep breath. “You’ve been busy.”

She laughed, “Well not me, personally, but yes, we have a home for the combined Ocampan race.”

“Combined?”

“The inhabitants of our original homeworld and the refugees from the space station Voyager visited. All thanks to your wife’s leadership and guidance.”

Chakotay could only laugh. “So Kathryn’s my wife now?”

The Ocampan looked embarrassed. “She never said anything, but we felt her feelings for you. And her ring – she said it was a human sign of commitment. Some of us set out to search for you…”

Chakotay laughed at her discomfort. “Oh don’t think I mind…I just wasn’t informed, is all.” He shook his head and then sobering, realized what she had begun to say. “You were sent to find me?”

“It was clear she missed you. Kathryn has done so much for us. Some of us decided to find you.”

“That was very kind of you.”

“We owe her our lives. It wasn’t a difficult decision to make.”

__________________________________________

Kathryn sat in a sun-lit balcony. There were four tall pillars on each corner of the floor. A large pastel-colored tapestry was draped to serve as a ceiling.

Her long hair was swept half-up and she wore a ivory dress. Despite the silk-like, flowing quality of the fabric, the sleeveless garment bodice was fitted, the neck dipped low in waves, and the skirt brushed the floor as she walked.

Perched on the edge of her couch, she stared at the Ocampan’s equivalent of a PADD.

She was happy…enough.

She had consolidated and relocated the entire Ocampan race. Using the abilities Susperia had passed on in addition to the knowledge she had acquired over a lifetime of service, she found a hospitable M class planet. She encouraged the Ocampan people to discover a calling in life – to find occupations that matched their skills and passions. She guided their leaders in developing a sustainable government. And then quietly stepped aside as new leaders were chosen.

Kathryn spent her days teaching in the local schools, gardening, and immersing herself in the beautiful planet she now called home. She acted as a sort of ceremonial monarch – deeply respected and admired. She no longer took part in day-to-day decisions, but was often called on to offer counsel and to serve as an ambassador, utilizing abilities derived from a life well-spent more than any spell Susperia could cast. 

She was happy enough.

She sighed as the PADD fell into her lap and she looked to the horizon. Gently rising, she left the device on her seat and with gentle footsteps, made her way over to the balcony wall. Leaning with both arms, her chin fell to her chest.

Suddenly the air became still. Her eyes widened. Something was different and Kathryn went immediately on alert, scanning the world she created below the place her residence stood.

She sensed a presence behind her and an apprehensive smile crept onto her face.

“You’re late.”

He laughed. “I am?”

“You are.” She put her head down to hide her smile even though she still had her back to him. “I was expecting you, oh…thirty years ago?”

“That means I would have had to make it out here in ten years?” he asked disbelievingly. 

She shuttered with laughter she was trying to conceal from him. “Give or take a few.” 

The uneasy anticipation she felt made it difficult to breath and impossible to walk. So many times she had imagined this moment and never once had she been so rooted to the ground she was unable to face him. With a steadying breath, Kathryn clasped her hands behind her back, and turned to walk toward him.

Chakotay gasped.

He had never been a vain man, he didn’t attempt to conceal from Kathryn that the long years had not been kind to his physical appearance. And after decades apart, he expected to see the woman he adored look akin to the Admiral who helped Voyager find a way home so long ago. But that was certainly not the Kathryn approaching him now.

She did it again. After all this time, she still managed to knock him completely off balance. Kathryn's skin was tight and radiant, her auburn hair falling in waves around her shoulders. She stood tall, and moved with effortless grace.

She came right up to him and lifted a hand, gently laying it on his chest like she had so long ago. Her eyes finally lifted to meet his. She took a step back then, and with a playful smile, began circling him, fingers clasped behind her back.

“Captain, I am in need of an associate to assist me in the day to day operations of an established, albeit recently relocated civilization.”

A small smile crept to his lips when she began speaking.

“It will require daily interaction with the locals, assisting them personally unless further collaboration with your superior officer is necessary.”

She paused in front of him and then moved counter-clockwise as Chakotay barely contained his laughter. The flowing dress she wore did nothing to diminish her authoritative presence.

“Your accommodations will be here with me, pleasing me in any and every way you see fit. The term of service is eternity, give or take a few hundred Earth years or so.”

“Admiral,” he interrupted. “I will unconditionally give you all of the time that I have left.”

“Not good enough, Chakotay.” She dropped the ruse and rushed to stand in front of him once more, causing the skirt to hastily flow in an effort to keep up with her movements. Her brow was knitted together in what Chakotay could only interpret as concern. She reached for his hand and gently, but firmly held his aged fingers. Placing her left hand on his shoulder, she drew him close and rested her forehead on his.

At first, he was overcome, simply by the intoxicating feeling of Kathryn being so close to him again. His eyes closed and his heart rate increased. But as the pressure of the hand on his shoulder increased, a wave of energy moved through his body. The sensation wasn’t painful, but it was without a doubt, disconcerting, causing a pin-pricking sensation in its wake. He squeezed his eyes closed now as it spread through his arms and legs. He clung to Kathryn, subconsciously grappling for support.

Not now. Please not now...

The sensation spread to his head, causing him to cry in anguish.

The world went dark. And then, a soft light attempted to gain access to his closed eyes. Slowly, his lids fluttered open and Chakotay blinked to focus.

With his head cradled in her lap, he looked up to see the concerned face of Kathryn. She was watching him, and gently running her fingers through his short, dark hair. A slight sheen of tears were in her eyes and her voice wavered as her hand moved to delicately touch his face.

“Hi.”

“Kathryn.” With a surprisingly clear mind, he turned his head from side to side, surveying his surroundings.

“Am I dead?”

A strangled laugh escaped – along with a few tears.

“Oh, no.”

He looked at her for answers, but she simply smiled. He sat up, and her arms fell to her lap as she reluctantly abandoned the intimate position.

And then he stood – easily. He took a few unhindered steps and then turned back to her.

“What happened?”

He reached a hand down, encouraging her to stand by his side, but froze when he looked at his own fingers. His hands looked fifty years younger. Seeing his unease, she stood too.

“Do you remember the Srivani?” At his slight nod, she continued. “Despite the unforgivable experiments they performed on our crew, I spent many sleepless evenings studying the technology they ruthlessly subjected us to. It was actually the accelerated aging process that I found especially intriguing. What if it could be reversed – a fountain of youth? Eighty years, Chakotay. With an aging crew. Could we really ever sustain a voyage for nearly eighty years?”

She took a deep breath and walked away from him, nervously playing with her fingers as she did. “Their research was sound.”

Kathryn turned back to look as Chakotay settled again on the couch.

“After I left you that day, I was taken by Susperia to the Ocampan station. She, like her partner was dying, but the Q had intervened in her search for an equal. Q convinced her that I would be a suitable replacement – referencing my clear 'soft-spot' for the Ocampan people."

She took a deep breath. “I never really died all those years ago, Chakotay. If I had stayed on that cube for a millisecond longer, I quite surely, would have.” She turned her head slightly and her voice became haunted. “And having done what I did as queen, I was more than ready for death.” She took a breath and continued. “I was led to believe that I did, in fact die until Susperia appeared on the Bridge…and everything…clicked.

Kathryn walked back, sitting down with a respectable distance between them.

“The near-death experience enabled me to gain a small sample of Susperia’s abilities which are primarily derived from a form of mental freedom. Her race is far different from our own, granted, but humanity’s cranial abilities are self-imposed limitations. We could be capable of so much more.”

She paused to look into his eyes. “With significant concentration, I was able to learn to manipulate matter on a sub-atomic level.” She looked away again and shook her head. “A dangerously frightening ability. I was terrified at the beginning – that I could do something so catastrophic that...”

“You’re not Susperia, Kathryn.”

She looked at him again and gently squeezed his fingers and smiled in thanks. “I know. But I stepped out of a leadership role just as soon as I felt I could. The Ocampan are an intelligent, resilient race. They can take care of themselves. No one person should hold that power. The abilities allowed me to help them locate and colonize this world.”

“…but reversing our age?”

“I didn’t think that was too much of a big deal. Do you?”

“Forever?”

“To be honest, I didn’t think it that far through.” She stood and walked away from him to gaze at the horizon once again. "All I know is as long as the Ocampan need me, I need to be here for them. And for however long that may be…I’ll need you.”

He rose to join her, gently placing his fingers first on her hips, and then completely embracing her from behind. She shivered slightly as she exhaled.

“This, right here with you, is where I want to be, Kathryn. This is where I belong.”

She relaxed further into his embrace and rested her head back onto his left shoulder. His arms tightened as he pulled her back into his warmth. Chakotay smiled and bent his head, to kiss her neck.

“All those years, Chakotay,” she whispered dreamily. “When we were begging for dilithium and fighting for our lives…I pictured this.”

He decided he didn't particularly want to stop kissing her neck, and laughed without being deterred from his attention to the spot just below her ear. His fingers moved to gently trace the length of her still-folded arms.

“Well, not exactly this. But...” Kathryn sighed, temporarily forgetting what she was saying. “You holding me like this – it was as much a guiding beacon as the promise of Earth.” She turned in his arms with tears in her eyes. “Chakotay, I have loved you for so long.”

He tucked her head under his chin, pulling her close.

“It took a little time, but we have eternity.”

She reached her lips up to kiss his neck. “So how should we spend all this time we suddenly have together?”

“Hmm…let me see. You reversed the aging process for every…part of me?”

Still locked in his embrace she threw her head back and laughed. “Every part.” Kathryn resumed her kisses as she seductively rubbed up against him. 

“Then, it seems to me that we don’t have time to lose.”

They kissed, forever sealing their Destiny.