Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

S1 E5

"Jason Gideon, an expert in the criminal psyche yet unable to diagnose the autistic leanings of the very insecure Dr. Reid. Well, maybe he can make money counting cards in Las Vegas."

Reid's jaw tightened the moment the unsub had spoken his name. It certainly wasn't what he'd expected. His hearing went static the moment the unsub's sentence had finished. He worked for the FBI with professional profilers, yet no one had approached him about his place on the spectrum. Maybe he'd been much to naïve. He knew deep down that they knew, there was no way they couldn't at least suspect he had some form of Asperger's. It was obvious from his incredible intelligence and lack of social skills. Though he'd never been formally diagnosed, Reid was self-aware enough to know.

But now it had been formally announced to the whole room.

Would he be looked at differently? Would there be pity in the eyes of his coworkers when they looked at him? What would this change?

Reid kept his eyes down, his hands fiddling with one another. He took a shaky breath, refocusing himself on the investigation. Now was not the time to dwell on his own insecurities, a girl's life was in danger. He found himself tuning back into the conversation at hand.

"He profiled us, Mr. Davenport."

"Why would he do that?"

"To show us how smart he is" Elle quipped.

Reid spoke up, "often times the best profilers are the unsubs themselves." He risked a glance up to see everyone looking at him. No one's eyes portrayed anything different than normal and he decided to continue. "they're the ones able to walk into an arcade full of children and pinpoint the boy or girl that can be led out quietly." His eyes fell once more as he finished speaking, his hands becoming very interesting to study. Reid found himself zoning out once more until the victim's father began making a commotion.

He appeared to be fighting with Gideon. The man's behavior was not shocking, he didn't fully understand what they were doing and how the information learned would help them find his missing daughter. Mr. Davenport was eventually led away from the room by another person and Gideon faced the group.

Reid kept his head lowered, staying in his seat. He felt like making himself as small as possible, maybe curling his lanky body up in a corner somewhere. Once again he had to pull himself out of the hole he continually ventured into in his mind to focus on what his team members were saying.

"—he has to be one of us."

"I'm gunna have Garcia do a search of the New Haven FBI field office"

"The guy we're looking for knows this house, he knows the family."

The conversation paused slightly. Reid found his chance to sneak in a statistic to keep up appearances, as that seemed to be what he would normally be doing at this point. "There's 700 agents in New Haven and another 70 in satellite offices." He knew his voice seemed slightly quieter and shaky, and he knew his team would pick up on that, but Reid hoped no one would comment. Luckily, no one did. "Davenport knows quite a few of them." He finished, glancing up at Hotch. His face bore the normal blank stare it always did and Reid broke eye contact after a few seconds.

"While we're narrowing the list, Cheryl can't stay here…"

Reid rested his head on his hand. He nodded along as if he was listening, but he went back into that hole once more. The words the unsub spoke echoed in his head. "unable to diagnose the autistic leanings of the very insecure Dr. Reid". He was both of these things, he couldn't deny that, but no one had ever spoken either fact aloud, at least not to him. It was hard to not be insecure. Being the youngest member of the BAU team, he often felt like an outsider. He was treated like a kid. Though, he supposed, he was much younger than most members of the team. He knew he was only where he was because of Gideon. Without the help of his father-figure superior, there was no way he would've passed all the necessary qualifications to get on the team. Besides his intelligence, he was fairly useless to the team. He was a horrible shot and wasn't very in shape. In fact, he didn't even weigh enough to be considered healthy enough on the team, another measure Gideon had to wave. He was socially awkward and struggled to understand social queues. The team could go without him, he knew that, they'd been just fine for all the years before he'd joined.

When he had first joined the team, they'd all been fairly welcoming. Though Derek tended to tease him, he learned that it was all out of love and he meant nothing offensive by it. However, he couldn't help but consider whether they needed him.

He jumped suddenly when Gideon placed a hand on his shoulder. "sorry" he whispered, quickly making eye contact with Gideon. He couldn't be certain because he didn't look into his superior's eyes for very long, but there seemed to be a hint of concern. Before he could make a comment though, Reid's phone rang.

Reid grabbed it out of his pocket quickly and answered. Gideon patted his shoulder once more and walked away, approaching Mr. Davenport.

"Elle."

He spoke to Elle for a while, discussing the previous moments which had occurred. A pit appeared as he hoped once again, she wouldn't bring up what the unsub had mentioned.

"They did a bug sweep right when we arrived."
Reid nodded to himself, "yeah, I remember."
Elle continued, "and yet the unsub seems to know all about us… Hey Reid, do you know what non-local interaction is?"

"What are you getting at?"

"How can he be holding Trish prisoner and still know exactly what we're talking about."
It clicked in his mind. "I know what you're saying. It seems like he knows what's going on here the moment that it happens."
"There's gotta be a listening device."
"They swept the room when we got here."
"Yeah… and then they brought in their own equipment."

Reid's brows furrowed. He stood quickly, ending his call, and approached Gideon.

"Elle thinks someone might have planted a listening device in one of the pieces of equipment brought in here by the police."
Gideon nodded, immediately springing into action. The two of them began looking through the equipment. It didn't take long for them to come across the said device. Gideon immediately walked away with it and Reid's eyes followed the man's movements. He confidently spoke to Mr. Davenport about Agent Shyer. It seemed that he was indeed the unsub.

Reid thought back to the agents who went with Morgan and Elle to the safe house.

"Gideon," the man turned to face Reid who quickly finished his thought, "Agent Shyer is at the safe house with Cheryl."

Gideon's phone pinged with a text message.

"It's Elle, she's got Shyre and he's given her Trish's location, let's go." He quickly left the room and Reid followed him out, grabbing his FBI jacket on the way. They raced to the SUV. "Call an ambulance to meet us there." Reid quickly followed Gideon's instructions, reciting the address to the emergency responders. It didn't take them more than twenty minutes to reach the scene, Morgan and Elle having beat them there.

They found Trish, banged up and traumatized but, most importantly, alive. Reid watched the EMTs load her onto a gurney and take her outside. The relieved faces of Cheryl and Mr. Davenport could be seen on either side of her as the three of them and the team of EMTs rushed to the ambulance. Gideon followed at a distance, and Reid found himself trailing slightly behind him.

After the group had loaded into the truck, Gideon began to walk away but Reid stopped him. "Hey, how did Elle get Shyre to give us Trish's location?"
Gideon paused to face the Reid. "I imagine she found some creative way to persuade him."
Reid huffed slightly, that was a very vague answer. "What do you think-"

"You know, maybe you just don't need to ask so many questions, let's just enjoy the moment" Gideon stated, smiling. Reid grinned awkwardly and nodded.

The two of them made their way back to the SUV, Reid trailing slightly once more. He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jacket and kept his head down, watching his feet. So far no one had brought up the earlier comment, yet he still had this pit in his gut. He felt like he was waiting for the band aid to be ripped off. And now that the case was finished, any moment someone would bring it up as a new way to poke fun at him.

He pulled the jacket closer to his slight frame, trembling slightly from the cold. Reid was starting to feel nauseated and panicked. "Not now" he thought. He was not about to have a panic attack in front of Gideon because of some dumb comment an unsub made. All he had to do was wait a few hours until he was home so he could cry in his own home alone.

He climbed into the car shakily. He'd claim it was because of the cold, but that was only part of it. His knee bounced up and down quickly on their quiet journey from the crime scene back to the plane. Reid felt Gideon's eyes, but he refused to make contact, keeping his head turned to look out the window. The slightest of interaction could send him over the edge right now, he just needed to keep himself together a little longer.

The rest of the night seemed to blur together. Reid almost completely shut himself down other than doing the simplest of motor functions in order to keep himself together. He didn't notice when people tried to speak to him or the concerned glances that his colleagues were exchanging on the jet, staying in the safety of his own mind. He instead sat in the furthest corner away from everyone and stared out the window. The flight wasn't a long one, and soon most everyone was asleep anyways.

Reid's eyes drifted closed without his realizing it, but he snapped out of it when a hand touched his shoulder. He flinched at the sudden contact and his eyes snapped opened. It was Gideon of course, who proceeded to take a seat across from him. Reid sighed and glanced out the window once more, collecting himself as much as he could.

"You okay?" Gideon asked. Reid could feel his eyes and couldn't help but glance back over at the man. They quickly flicked from Gideon's eyes into his own lap and he nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He found his leg bouncing once more and his hands twitched in his lap.

"You know no one thinks any different of you kid. The team isn't going to change their perception of you from one unsub's commentary." Reid clenched his jaw, inhaling a shaky breath. He nodded slightly.

"I know." He whispered. Clearing his throat, he once more attempted eye contact but found he could not hold it. "It's just… I guess I thought…" he sniffed, feeling tears build up behind his eyes. "I thought that since no one brought it up maybe the team didn't see it. I thought maybe they thought I was at least somewhat n-normal." His voice wavered and caught as the tears threatened to spill from his eyes. He could feel the quickening of his own heartbeat and Gideon's hard stare.

"You're not normal." Reid's head shot up at this, but Gideon continued. "No one on this team is normal. You can't be a normal human and do this job, Spencer. And if you think that anyone on this team is going to treat you any differently after this case…" he sighed, "they won't, okay? We need you because of your quirks, you're a great agent and that isn't going to change. You're an asset to this team. I know you don't always see all the good you do because you're more focused on others, but you help us solve cases much faster than we used to. That's why I jumped through so many hoops to get you here. If you weren't worth all the effort, I wouldn't have gone through it."

Reid stared at Gideon. He seemed sincere, but Reid was still unsure of himself. He found himself nodding anyways. A tear fell from his eye without permission and he quickly wiped it away. Gideon reached out to grab his other hand, smiling. Reid sniffed and smiled back at the man.

"Thank you." He said in a small voice. Gideon nodded and stood, patting him comfortingly on his shoulder.

"Get some rest Spencer." He spoke, leaving Reid to be by himself once more.

Reid continued smiling, glancing out the window once more. The pit in his stomach had mostly disappeared and he no longer felt an impending anxiety attack. His eyes slipped closed as he allowed himself to drift off, Gideon's kind words in echoing in his mind. Even if he wasn't certain everything Gideon said was true, he was too exhausted to look into it much further. He allowed himself to succumb to sleep.

Chapter Text

S1 E6

He had figured out Hotch's plans the minute he suggested moving the hostages out of his line of fire. Suddenly the dramatic shift in his superior's personality made sense. He didn't think Hotch had that much resentment towards him, but he began to question that once more when his boss began kicking the shit out of his ribs.

Reid logically knew that it was all part of the plan. Hotch had to be convincing and he had to give Reid enough time to successfully grab the gun from his ankle holster. That didn't mean his ribs felt great though. When the paramedics had checked him out, he only notified them of his head injury. They'd diagnosed him with a slight concussion, but nothing too serious.

His head continued throbbing though.

Hotch and Morgan had both approached him and he was certain he'd been fairly convincing in the lie that he'd spun. He was completely fine. Unaffected. Doing great. And he only needed to hold up the façade for a few more hours. Only then, when he was unaccompanied in his apartment, would he fall to his knees, clenching his head and ribs in pain. Or at least, that was the plan.

Reid kept his face impassive on the car ride, making little conversation. He took a seat in the back corner of the plane, hoping no one would sit beside him.

He'd had a brief conversation with Gideon, a reassuring one. It brought a bit of warmth to his heart. He knew he shouldn't be so childish as to need the approval of Gideon, but he couldn't help himself. Sometimes he needed reassurance. However, once the man had gotten up and left to get some rest, Reid let the façade drop.

Things began to take a turn for the worst when the jet began to experience turbulence.

They were already on their descent; he'd done so well. There wasn't more than thirty more minutes till they were on the ground and then he only had to hold on another twenty or so. But the turbulence threw a wrench in his plan.

The minute the plane wavered a stabbing pain went through both Reid's head and his abdomen. He couldn't help but shut his eyes and clench his jaw, hissing slightly in pain. Luckily for him, everyone on the plane was asleep. Or, at least, so he had thought.

Hotch was at his side in a second.
"Reid, are you okay? Is it your head?" The man clearly felt bad about what had happened. He was overcompensating. Then again, Reid supposed, he did kinda cause the injuries… that didn't mean he wanted him to know about them though. Reid opened his eyes, wincing. "I'm fine." He said through a clenched jaw.

Hotch rolled his eyes. "Right, because getting a concussion from being hit with the butt of a gun isn't concerning at all." Reid smirked at Hotch's sarcasm, but the smile only lasted a second as another bout of turbulence caused the jet to lurch.

Reid couldn't stop the whimper that escaped his mouth as his arms unconsciously wrapped themselves around his torso.

"Reid-" Hotch ended up falling into the chair across from him with a thud as the plane began bouncing around once more. Reid's brow furrowed and he tucked his chin tightly against his sternum. His arms gripped himself tightly, attempting to keep his bruised ribs from tumbling around. His jaw clenched shut in an attempt to stop any sounds from escaping his mouth, but a small whine still forced its way out.

A jolt in the plane caused Reid's body to lurch forward and back quickly, sending all the air out of his body. He began to cough as he attempted to catch his breath, but the pain in his ribs seemed to be hindering the ability to do just that.

He was aware that Hotch was trying to help him, and was probably trying to say something to him, but he was so concentrated on breathing that he couldn't process his surroundings. The plane stopped jolting after a minute or so, but Reid was still coughing.

He felt someone's hands unwrapping his arms from around his torso gently.

"-reath with me —t's right co—on you got –" His hearing was going in and out and he was having trouble focusing. Reid's body was suddenly being dragged to the floor, hands under his armpits. He was somewhat dizzy, and the world began to tilt to the side, but he found himself being propped up against something warm and sturdy instead of falling to the ground.

His mind swam from the lack of oxygen and pain in his body. His head was pounding, and he was still struggling to get any breath. He felt comforting hands on his back, rubbing gentle circles. Still, he continued to cough against the warm pillar, limply propped up against it. Something metallic filled his mouth, but he couldn't be sure what.

When he finally began to catch his breath, the ringing in his ears subsided. Reid realized that someone had been talking to him the whole time. In fact, he seemed to be leaning against someone, not something.

He breathed shallow and quick, not wanting to lose the small amount of control he'd regained against his lungs. However, the attack had left him exhausted. Reid attempted to refocus on the world around him, but he couldn't even manage to open his eyes. There was a darkness that seemed to be surrounding him and he couldn't help but lean towards it. There were far away voices, were they calling his name? It felt as though someone was tapping his cheek, maybe laying him on his back on the ground. But he couldn't be certain.

He seemed to be drifting between consciousness and unconsciousness, but he didn't seem to care. A breeze flowed over his torso and he shivered slightly, but he made no attempt to go back into the light. Instead, he allowed himself to succumb to the darkness, finally getting some well-deserved rest.

When he awoke, the first thing Reid was aware of was a beeping noise. An insistent, annoying, beeping noise. He took a breath and smelled strong antiseptic.

Shit. Was he in a hospital?

He dragged his heavy eyelids open and glanced with blurry eyes around the darkened hospital room he was currently sitting in. he was laying under a thin hospital gown, under a thin sheet, with an oxygen canal sitting under his nose. Judging from the darkness outside, he must have been out for at least a few hours. He suddenly became aware of a second presence in the room.

Lying in a very uncomfortable looking chair was a very disheveled and worried, yet very much asleep Agent Hotchner.

Reid couldn't help but to smile at the image which was in front of him. He found himself attempting to push himself into a sitting position, but his body was too weak to comply. As he fell back against the mattress, he let out a small hiss of pain, closing his eyes. However, he suddenly became aware that his ribs had been wrapped as it didn't hurt as much to breathe and there was a tightness around his torso.

A hand placed itself on Reid's arm and he opened his eyes once more. Hotch was hovering beside him now, a worried smile on his face.

"How are you feeling?"

Reid shrugged slightly. "Okay" he whispered. Hotch's smile disappeared as quickly as it had came, replaced with the normal scowl usually worn.

"You should have said something Spencer. You passed out on the plane because of your injured ribs. You shouldn't have lied about the injuries I caused to spare me some amount of guilt."

Reid found himself shrugging again, looking away from Hotch. He spoke in a soft voice once more.

"I didn't think it was a big deal."

"Spencer," Hotch spoke, pausing to guide Reid's chin back to facing him so he could look the younger agent in the eye, "you passed out on the jet due to lack of oxygen. You were barely breathing. We had to call an ambulance. You've been out almost a full day. You punctured a lung and after surgery they almost had to intubate you. You have multiple broken and cracked ribs. You coughed up blood onto my jacket. I'd say that's a pretty big deal."

Guilt filled Reid's eyes and he found himself blushing profusely. He didn't realize how serious his injuries had been. If he'd gone back to his apartment alone he might have bled out by himself.

Hotch continued, "I lifted your shirt while we were on the plane, your abdomen was essentially one large bruise. Your ribs were very clearly broken since you're pretty much skin and bones. By the way, you need to eat more, but that's besides the point. If anyone had checked you, they would not have cleared you. It was obvious that you needed the hospital. Why didn't you say anything?"

Shame began to fill his body and he hung his head. "I'm sorry Hotch."

Hotch once again searched for eye contact before speaking.

"Don't apologize to me, apologize to yourself for putting yourself at risk."

Reid nodded. Hotch reached in to hug the young man. Reid immediately reciprocated, burying his face into the man's shoulder. They stayed like that for a few minutes before pulling apart.

"I'm glad you're okay. I'll try not to break your ribs next time" He said with a smirk. Reid found himself chuckling slightly at that comment.

"Hopefully there won't be a next time for that one." Hotch nodded in agreement.

"Get some more rest Spencer. You need it. You look like shit."

"So do you." Reid said, eyes already closing once more. Hotch smiled and kept his hand over Spencer's, reassuring himself that the younger agent was going to be okay.

Reid fell asleep with a slight smile on his face.

Chapter Text

S1 E9
What if things hadn’t gone exactly as planned during the train ep O_o

He could tell that no one liked the plan. Each of his team members was looking at him with fear and pity. But he knew it was the only shot they had.
Reid pulled the straps of the Kevlar vest as far as they could go around his skinny frame. Gideon’s fingers were tapping the table insistently, but that was his only give away about how nervous he was for Reid.
“Reid. Do not take this vest off” Morgan ordered seriously. “In hostage situations SWAT sometimes won’t even tell a negotiator when they’re deciding to go in. Do you know why that is?”
“Because the slightest change in tone of voice or choice of words can give the whole thing away” Reid recited as if reading from a pamphlet. Derek patted him on the shoulder and Reid met his friend’s eyes.
“That’s right. Don’t make eye contact with Elle.” Reid nodded, “You’re a technician, you’ve never seen her before.”
“Got it.”
“Now remember, play into the guy’s fantasy. Believe it yourself.”
Reid smirked slightly before speaking “Actually did you know that dentists and surgeons have been recruited to secretly implant these during otherwise normal medical procedures?” Derek stared at him with a confused look in his eyes. “This has been happening on and off since the late 1930s.”
Derek tilted his head, smirking at the kid.
“You told me to believe.” Reid chuckled.
“Let’s go” Derek said, putting a hand on the kid’s shoulder and escorting him towards the door. They stopped when Hotch came into the room, slightly flustered holding a small phone microchip.
“Alright, one government issued microchip.” He handed it to Reid and the three of them plus Gideon made their way outside. Reid put on his gloves and attempted to keep his head down. He didn’t need to see the concerned glances that the three older agents were shooting him. Shaking his hands out, he attempted his magic performance for the men.
He stuck the small chip between his fingers, but before he could do anything, it fell out onto the ground. Quickly, Reid picked it up and attempted once more with the same result. His hands were shaking from nerves and now frustration.
“You gotta relax man” Derek spoke nervously, rubbing his neck and Reid replied. “The chip’s a lot smaller than I’m used to doing it with alright?” the chip fell to the ground once more and a collective sense of fear gathered on each man’s face.
Gideon clenched his jaw, “I’m pulling the plug on this.”
“No, no, hold on, one more.” Reid adjusted his placement of the chip, blowing on it to clean it up. He attempted the trick for a last time, and finally was successful in his attempt. He looked up to meet the scared eyes of Hotch, Derek, and Gideon, but he knew he could do this. Gideon spoke up very seriously.
“Take this chip out then get off the train, you understand?” Reid swallowed and nodded nervously. “Tell him you need to get back to the higher authority, say you have guidelines to follow, whatever. Do not stay in there with him.” Gideon paused, fear betraying his face. “That’s an order.”
Reid nodded with furrowed brows. He swallowed his nerves again, readying himself to do this. “Yes sir.” As he turned to leave, the three sad and concerned eyes followed him and he found himself turning back around. “could you guys do me a favor?”
“Anything.”
Reid sighed. “Could at least one of you look like you’re going to see me again?!” The three men exchanged glances and Reid clenched his jaw. Finally, Hotch turned to him.
“See you when you get back.” Reid let out a nervous laugh, smiling at Hotch before turning around and heading towards the train. He took a few deep breaths, trying to make himself look as though he had some authority, but that he wasn’t a threat to the hostage taker. He walked up the stairs to the train, taking one more deep breath before entering with his hands up.
“THAT’S FAR ENOUGH” the man shouted, a twisted look on his features. Reid stopped himself from stepping forward anymore and glanced at the hostages.
“Hello everyone.” He cleared his throat and started again, “I’m here to remove a chip from Dr. Bryar.” The man gestured at him with his gun.
“Take the vest off.”
Reid tensed; he knew he shouldn’t be taking the vest off. He needed it on, and Derek told him not to take it off.
“I want to see you.”
“I don’t- I don’t have any weapons. The higher authority doesn’t authorize it for technicians.”
“TAKE IT OFF.”
Reid nodded, realizing the only chance of getting this man’s cooperation was to comply to his rules. He began unfastening the Velcro and throwing it off to the side.
“Come closer, I wanna see both of your hands at all times.” Reid approached slowly, hands in the air nervously chewing his lip.
“Sit across from me.” He scooched past the man, taking a seat near the man. The man trained his gun directly on Reid. He felt a sigh of relief to have the weapon off of the bystander but immediately sweat began to gather at his brow. He’d claim it was from the heat, but that wouldn’t be completely true.
Reid began opening the sanitizing wipe with shaking hands. The man recognized his apprehension immediately.
“Why are you so nervous.” Reid glanced up, considering his response.
“I told you I’m not used to being around guns.” He glanced up once more and clenched his jaw, continuing his work on the man’s arm. His right hand quivered slightly, nervous that he’d drop the chip and ruin the whole ruse.
“This is, going to probably sting a little bit.”
He sanitized a new area on the man’s arm before grabbing the scalpel. Carefully as he could, Reid proceeded to make a small incision in his arm. Blood quickly gushed out and he had to swallow back a wave of nausea. His shaking hands began probing the wound and he managed to sneak the microchip in the wound without the Dr. Bryar noticing. A feeling of relief washed over his body as Dr. Bryar smiled.
“I knew it. I knew it.” The man nodded his head. Reid remembered Gideon’s orders and began to stand in order to make his escape. He kept his head down and began to speak, hoping Dr. Bryar would let him go.
“I’ve got to go to the higher authority. I was supposed to--”
“NOT YET!” Reid’s nerves returned as he slowly sank back down into his seat. Shit. This is what they’d been afraid would happen.
“okay” he whispered in a small voice. The man positioned the gun against Reid’s chest, and he felt his heart leap.
“Turn it on.” Reid’s eyes widened. He was not prepared for that. His mind raced while he attempted to keep his face impassive, trying to procure some excuse as to why he couldn’t do that. “Turn. The chip. On.” He stayed silent a few more seconds before he finally answered, still unsure of what to say.
“Excuse me?”
“Turn it on or I pull the trigger.”
“I can’t turn it on.”
“Why not? WHY NOT?!” Reid’s eyes bounced back and forth trying to acquire the correct answer to feed this man, but luckily Elle came up with something first.
“Because it has to be implanted.” He quickly hopped on her theory.
“She’s right.” He remembered back to what Derek had said earlier. Reid had to believe in the fantasy as well. “The chip derives its power from tiny electrical impulses fired between neurons. It has to be in your skin to work.” The man paused thinking about Reid’s explanation and he once more tried to make his move off the train. “I-I really gotta-”
“SIT DOWN! You’re not going anywhere.” Reid sat again, fear making its way into his chest. His heart was pounding, and he had to swallow the lump in his throat. The gun was kept trained at his chest as the man moved away from him. When the phone began to ring, he knew it was Gideon. The man had not wanted him to go on the train in the first place, and now their fears had come true, he was stuck. There were two of the BAU team stuck with this man in the cart. Dr. Bryar ignored the phone at first but Reid decided to speak up, hoping he would take the call.
“I-it’s probably the higher authority.” He stated, attempting to keep his voice from wavering. “I told you I have protocols to follow, I was supposed to go right back out there. I-I have rules.” He began to ramble as the man didn’t say a word back to him, needing to fill the silence. “You want me to stay, I’m obviously going to stay, but, I mean, you’re going to be the one that has to explain it to the man.” Reid was scraping the bottle of the barrel, praying that Dr. Bryar would answer and let him leave.
“Why can’t you all just leave me alone?” then another voice spoke up. One of the other hostages.
“Leave you alone?”
“Stay out of this.” Reid warned. The last thing they needed was this clearly drunk guy encouraging Dr. Bryar’s fantasies.
“No. The government does watch us. You got microwaves and satellites, I’m with you man.”
“Do not agitate him.” Reid stated again through clenched teeth.
“Screw you.”
Reid sighed, turning his attention back to Dr. Bryar. “Dr. Bryar, answer the phone.”
“My old man used to have tracking devices in his cars. He said it was for theft, but it’s so he could find out where I’d go. And what about personal recordings and televisions? You don’t think someone’s monitoring everything you watch? You know how many patents are issued for devices to monitor people? Look it up man!” Reid and Elle shared an annoyed look but Elle repeated Reid’s last statement.
“Answer the phone, Ted.” He stood up suddenly and his doctor got up as quickly as he did, attempting to stop him in his tracks. She attempted to subdue the hostage who was agreeing with Dr. Bryar and tell him that he didn’t know what he was talking about. A fight began to break out as the guy insisted he was with Dr. Bryar, but it only seemed to agitate the man further. Reid tried once more to calmly encourage him to take the call.
“Answer the phone, Dr. Bryar. It’s the higher authority.” Suddenly the doctor began to panic, and a gunshot went off. Reid froze, eyes wide, looking to see where the bullet went. It had lodged itself in the side of his own doctor. Reid saw the regret on the man’s face as he had managed to shoot the only person he was connected to on the train. He watched as she fell to the ground and began slowly standing in order to help. When Dr. Bryar turned away, he immediately rushed to her side, applying pressure to the wound.
The phone continued to ring but the doctor wasn’t answering. Reid was trying to stop the bleeding, but he was worried that the bullet may have hit some of the woman’s internal organs. She didn’t have a lot of time. He turned around, attempting to plead with the man.
“Dr. Bryar, we need to get this woman help.”
“Who’s going to help me.”
Reid sighed slightly, taking a deep breath before answering. “The higher authorities can help you. Th-they’re not what you think. They’re not the enemy. They can help you Dr. Bryar.” When the man stood and shot the phone, Reid’s stomach dropped. That was their only source of communication with the rest of the team. It seemed as though the man had chosen an endgame. He was going to go out in a hail of bullets, and him, Elle, and everyone else on the train were in danger.
Reid glanced around, worried as to the situation they were in. He needed to come up with something, and fast. Turning back around to study the man, he realized that he seemed to be talking to himself. ‘That’s it! He has some form of psychosis; he must be hearing a voice.’ The name Leo was dropped as the doctor continued to speak to himself and Reid realized what he had to do. Having a mother with severe schizophrenia, he’d read more than enough books about mental illnesses and psychotic breaks to realize that acknowledging the voice would probably throw the man off long enough to distract him and allow SWAT to help.
“Dr. Bryar.”
“WHAT?” the gun was immediately pointed towards him once more, but he didn’t feel fear. He felt determination.
“Reid!”
“it’s alright Elle.” Reid took a deep breath as the man stood abruptly, keeping the gun trained on his head.
“Is there another one?!” Reid tried to play it cool, chuckling slightly at the question as if it was a dumb suggestion.
“You know there isn’t.” He insisted. Reid took a breath and attempted his plan. “If there were, Leo would’ve told you.” The man’s brows furrowed in confusion and a smirk landed on Reid’s face. The man suddenly brought the gun away from Reid, covering his ears.
“Make it stop!”
“I know what it’s like-”
“MAKE IT STOP!” the man pointed his gun at Reid once more, but he continued anyways.
“I know what the voices are like. The voices, they won’t stop. They’ve been talking to you since you were a child.”
“You’re lying to me.”
“That’s Leo speaking!” Reid laughed. “that’s not even Dr. Bryar.” Reid adjusted his eyeline, staring at the empty air beside the man, hoping to convince him he could see the voice he’d been talking to. “Why don’t you let him think for himself, Leo?” The man looked taken aback, confused that someone else could see Leo. He could see his grip on the gun slackening, becoming more enthralled with Reid.
“You…Do you see him?” He asked, lowering the weapon once more.
“Yeah, he’s right there” he claimed, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Why don’t you let him make his own decisions?” he paused again. Dr. Bryar was visibly confused. “The voices, they helped you right? I-it’s where you get your ideas from.” Reid stood up, confident with his theory and began slowly approaching the man. “While the other kids were outside on the playground, you were inside reading, studying, learning. The voices wouldn’t stop, t-they helped you understand things that other people could never realize. And then as you grew older it became a-almost a responsibility, right? A-a responsibility to use that ability, to use your knowledge.”
“String theory. The theory of everything!”
Reid nodded. “Then M-Theory encompassing all the strings, unifying the theories. You know it’s funny. Most people say that M-theory can never be proved, because the mathematical tools do not yet exist. But you see it, right? Am I right? You can see the different strings unifying the dimensions, the gravitational infinities, cancelling each other out, you see them, right Dr. Bryar? You see them because you have the tools. Your mind is that tool.”
“SHUT UP” Dr. Bryar yelled at the air beside him. Reid smiled; he was clearly getting through to the man. He had this in the bag. All he had to do was get the weapon and they could subdue him without anyone else getting hurt.
“and I have to believe that i-if you put your mind to it, you’ll realize that only you can make Leo stop. You can make him stop by understanding him, by understanding that he is a liar, and he only wants bad things for you. I need to believe that, Dr. Bryar.” The man was hooked, but Reid and Elle could both see they didn’t have a lot of time left. SWAT was lining up outside the window ready to come in.
Elle took the chance to kick the man over into the seat across from her and Reid immediately pounced. He wrestled with the gun in the man’s hand, attempting to take hold of it. Before he realized what was happening, two shots rang out. Reid felt his body get thrown backwards onto the floor. He landed facedown, stinging filling his left shoulder.
He could hear voices but couldn’t discern exactly what they were saying. Hands were on him now and he was being turned over. Reid felt his head lull to the side as he was in too much pain to register the movement of his muscles. A hand was tapping his cheek and his eyes opened to slits. A blurry Gideon appeared in front of him, Elle glancing at him from over his shoulder. Worry painted both of their faces, but Reid wasn’t sure why. In face he wasn’t sure why he was on the ground. Or where they were.
“What…?” was all he could come up with. Gideon was speaking, but his voice rang and bounced around as if Reid’s head was submerged underwater. He suddenly realized the older man’s hand was pressing hard on his shoulder and he groaned. Reid’s arms clumsily tried to fight off the hand, but Gideon easily pinned both his wrists down with one hand.
It looked like he was speaking again, but Reid let his eyes slip shut. A hand tapped his face again, but Reid ignored it, darkness taking over his body. It sounded like there might be shouting, or someone calling his name, but he ignored it and fell into unconsciousness.
There were blips in his memory. He vaguely remembered being in an ambulance. Gideon’s face kept swimming in and out of view. And he remembered waking up briefly in a hospital room with… Elle and Hotch? He wasn’t sure. But Reid wasn’t certain what happened or where he was.
He blinked his eyes open to a bright white room. Immediately he slammed them shut once more, his pupils not contracting quick enough. A hand appeared on top of his own and he turned his head to the right, slipping one eye open to a sliver.
Hotch was holding his hand, a rare smile on his face. Gideon was also there, staring down at Reid. He managed a small smile before attempting to speak. However, he found his throat was too dry to say anything and Gideon immediately raced away to get a cup of water.
“You had us worried kid.” Hotch spoke. “Ted Bryar shot you in the shoulder after he was shot himself by one of the other passengers. The bullet missed your major arteries, but you were suffering from heat stroke and dehydration from being on the train, so all that combined caused with blood loss and pain made you to pass out pretty quick.” Reid nodded and Gideon reappeared in the room.
The two older agents helped Reid sit up and drink some of the water. He sighed in relief as the cool water made its way down his throat.
“Thanks” he whispered, a small smile on his face. Gideon and Hotch shared a look, to which Hotch stood, making some excuse about using the restroom, and left the two alone in the room. Gideon took a seat besides Reid who furrowed his brows slightly. He sighed before beginning.
“That was some risk you took there, kid. You had us all worried. Seeing you talk to Ted for so long on the train and then you were bleeding out on the floor…” Gideon trailed off, shaking his head.
“Sorry…” Reid began but Gideon cut him off.
“It was stupid, probably the dumbest thing I’ve seen you do, throwing yourself in harm’s way like that.” Reid dropped his eyes. “I’m incredibly proud of you though.” At that statement Reid’s eyes snapped back up to meet Gideon’s, confusion lacing his features. Gideon smiled before continuing. “If you hadn’t said whatever it was you said to him, he might’ve fired on more than just you. Whatever you did saved a lot of lives on that train. He was preparing to go out in a hail of bullets and possibly bring down as many hostages as he could on the way. But because of you… well, there were no causalities, only a few injuries. So, great job.”
Reid smiled, nodding at Gideon who reached up and ruffled his hair.
“Thank you, sir.” Gideon stood, a small smile on his features, and turned to leave the room.
“Get some more rest, well get you out of here soon so we can head back to Quantico.”
Reid nodded once more, eyes already drooping and settled back against his pillows. He was out within a few seconds.
Gideon smiled at the kid. Hotch reappeared beside him with the same look of compassion on his face.
“He’s a great agent, we’re lucky to have him.” Gideon stated. Hotch agreed, passing Gideon and reclaiming his chair next to the now sleeping kid’s bed.
“Sleep well kid.”

Chapter Text

S1 E10

PT1
Reid awoke with a start. His skin sticky with sweat he threw the covers off himself and rushed to the bathroom. After expelling the small amount of food and coffee he’d consumed the previous day (it was about 90% coffee), he let himself settle on the floor of the bathroom. Spencer glanced out of the bathroom at his dark bedroom, reading the numbers on his digital clock.
It read 4:37am. He’d gotten approximately three hours of sleep. He’d been suffering from nightmares for a little under a week now. Each time he closed his eyes, he saw the faces of the victims he couldn’t save. Recently, Reid had unconsciously started taking each death personally. His team relied on him to solve puzzles and provide information quickly, and if someone died when they were on a case, it fell onto his shoulders. Each new body found was another failure to pile onto Reid’s ongoing list. And the worst part was, with his eidetic memory, he would never forget that list.
The past five days he had only gotten two or three hours of sleep each night, being plagued with nightmares which forced him awake and kept him from going back to sleep. He was exhausted.
This wasn’t the first time he’d gotten sick either. He’d vomited fairly frequently this week, and he was starting to feel the effects of the lack of sleep and nourishment.
After staying on the floor for a few minutes, he finally got the strength to pull himself off the ground. Immediately, he felt the world shift, but he managed to grip the sick tight enough to stay upright. After the initial dizziness passed, Reid wandered out of the bathroom, keeping one hand on the wall. Blurrily, he made his way to the kitchen, using muscle memory rather than his eyes to find his way there. Knowing he couldn’t go back to sleep, he went ahead and put on the coffee.
Reid flopped in a chair in his living room, flipping on the tv. He wasn’t even really aware of what was playing, but he needed some form of background noise.
He knew he couldn’t go on like this. He was running on fumes. But Reid never was very good at asking for help. The last thing he wanted was for the team to see him as being weak. They already viewed him as being the kid brother, this might make them think he can’t handle the job. He could take a few nightmares, I mean it’s not like he was the only one who got them, right?
Reid lightly dozed off but was startled awake when his coffee maker beeped. Suppressing a yawn, the man clumsily stood and made his way to the cabinets holding mugs. After pouring himself a cup and dumping a shitload of sugar in, he settled back on the chair, lazily watching television.
His alarm went off before he knew it. Reid had managed to drift off for an hour, his coffee gone cold in his hand. His clock flashed 6:00am and he stumbled over to turn it off. Quickly, he began throwing himself together for work. His hair was all over the place and his shirt wrinkled, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.
Reid knew he was looking increasingly shitty all week. His skin had paled to an almost translucent white and his normally dark under-eyes now appeared bruised. He washed his face with cold water in an attempt to wake himself up further and proceeded to down the cup of cold coffee a hint of disgust on his face. It tasted repulsive, but caffeine was caffeine and he needed all he could get right now.
He managed to make it into the office in a blur, immediately heading to the coffee machine after setting his things down at his desk. Reid poured a cup with minimal spilling and began dumping sugar in. He figured that this was a good enough substitute for breakfast. Suddenly, a voice startled him out of his thoughts.
“Easy there, tough guy, have some coffee with your sugar.”
Reid didn’t glance up from his coffee but managed to form a sentence coherent enough to reply with.
“I need something to wake me up.”
“Ooooh,” Derek gawked, “Late night?”
“Very.”
“My man!” Derek smirked. Reid let out a small chuckle but shook his head.
“Not that kind of late night.” Derek smiled and laughed at this, turning to face the young agent.
“Okay, so tell me, what does keep young Dr. Reid awake at night?” Reid opened his mouth to answer, but Derek continued, placing a hand on his small shoulder. “Wait, let me guess. Memorizing some obscure textbook… no no no no, working on cold fusion. Wait no, I got it. Watching Star Trek and laughing at the physics mistakes.”
Reid shook his head before replying. “Actually, there aren’t that many scientific errors in Star Trek. Especially considering how long ago it was made. There are certain improbabilities, but not that many outright errors.” He glanced up to see slight confusion on Derek’s face after finishing his small rant.
“Right.” Derek turned to leave. Reid took a sip of his coffee, the caffeine taking a bit of the edge off. He watched his coworker go. ‘It’s now or never’ Reid thought, pushing himself off the counter.
“Hey Morgan?” he said in a quiet voice. Derek turned around to face Reid, who moved a bit closer before continuing. “uhh… do you ever h-have dreams?” he questioned. Derek looked confused and Reid realized he might have to clarify.
“I’m sorry?”
“I guess uh… nightmares would be a more accurate description.” He made eye contact with Derek, who gave him a concerned look.
“Is that what’s keeping you up?”
Reid cleared his throat, shifting his eyes to the ground. “I used to get them occasionally but… lately it’s like I have them every night.”
“What are they about?”
“This. What we do.” He stared at the floor a moment longer before risking a glance at Derek. “Do… you have nightmares?”
Derek’s voice took on a controlled tone as he answered, one that surprised Reid.
“Reid, I’m not sure if I’m the right person for you to talk to about this.” Reid was taken about slightly. He’d come to Derek in confidence and now he was being turned away. Hurt filled his eyes as he realized that his coworker didn’t care.
“W-why not?”
“it’s just, uh…” Derek seemed hesitant, “Did you ask Gideon about it?”
Reid’s brows furrowed. As if he’d talk to his supervisor about something as trivial as nightmares. He shook his head. “No.”
Derek paused before answering. “You should.” Reid glanced up with shock, swallowing the lump in his throat. Elle interrupted the conversation though before Reid could respond.
“Hey, Hotch wants everyone in the round table room. Something up with you two?”
“No.” Reid answered a little too quickly, refusing to make eye contact with either of them. He made a fast exit, walking away from Derek and brushing past Elle as he made his way up the stairs into their meeting room.
The meeting was brief and before he knew it Reid found himself stepping off the jet in the mountains of Virginia. He’d downed his third cup of coffee and was buzzing slightly from the caffeine. Reid found himself breathing a sigh of relief when Gideon brought him and JJ along to a different part of the crime scene. He decided that it would be better to ignore his problems, hoping that Derek wouldn’t bring it up again.
He knew it was a stupid decision to bring it up, he should’ve just dealt with it himself. Reid blurrily made his way through the crime scene, spewing some unhelpful facts but taking in as much information as he could with his slightly incoherent state of mind.
Reid stuffed his hands in his pockets to mask the shaking. He attempted to pay attention to his coworker’s words, but he wasn’t hanging onto many of them. His exhaustion seemed to be making itself more and more known, even with the copious amounts of caffeine and sugar he was pouring into his body. He realized the shaking might also be stemming from the lack of food. Reid realized he was receiving concerned glances and decided he probably needed more coffee. JJ seemed to be walking off with the sheriff, heading to a vehicle. That could be his escape. He shot off after them, tripping over himself while making up an excuse to go back to the station with them.
He stumbled out of the car but regained his footing as the sheriff and JJ talked to the reverend on the street. He kept his head down, speaking few words and trailing a bit behind the other two.
Reid forced himself through a conversation with the sheriff’s son and did a bit of research on the whole LOD concept. He came up empty and ended up downing more caffeine and eating part of a bagel. It made his stomach churn slightly and he couldn’t risk getting sick, so he threw in the towel after a few bites.
The afternoon went by in a blur, Reid’s head feeling more and more like soup. His thoughts were jumbled, and his body exhausted. He was uncoordinated (more than normal) and felt as though he was simply floating through the day. He vaguely recalled searching for Cherish in the woods but he couldn’t seem to process any of the information.
“Tired?” Hotch asked Reid after he yawned into his hand. His dark circles were more prominent than ever now, body being held up by the cabinet he was leaning against.
“I’m fine” he replied, shaking his head, brow furrowing.
“We all get them sometimes.”
“Get what?”
“Nightmares.” This made Reid finally glance up from his notebook. He immediately turned to look at Derek. He’d betrayed him, telling Hotch about his nightmares? What the hell? Derek knew he didn’t want Hotch to know. What if they kicked him off the team? He came back to himself, deciding to downplay it.
“It’s not that bad.”
“If you want to talk about it, you know where I am.” Hotch stated, patting Reid on the arm. That certainly wasn’t the response he was expecting.
The team gave the profile to the officers in the precinct. They got Mike Zizzo in custody and Hotch and the Sheriff were currently speaking to him at the station while Derek and he stayed at the Jensen house.
“You guys need anything.”
“Coffee would be nice.” Reid mumbled, rubbing his eyes. It was getting late and his eyelids seemed to be getting heavier and heavier.
Derek scoffed “He takes about a quart of sugar in it.” Reid frowned.
“Two teaspoons is fine.” He corrected, nodding his thanks at the officer.
“You got it.”
Reid turned back to his retreating coworker and cleared his throat.
“Morgan,” he started, a bit more energy in his voice than previously, “you knew I didn’t want you to tell Hotch about my nightmares.”
“Reid that’s something they need to know about.” Reid felt a pang of fear shoot through his body.
“What do you mean ‘they’?”
Derek paused. “Hotch and Gideon.”
“You told Gideon too?!” Reid shouted with a bit of frustration in his voice.
“Yeah, and it’s okay, kid.”
“Wh-what if they think I can’t do my job?!” He yelled, eyes darting around the dark ground. “W-what if they want to pull me off the team?!” His voice broke slightly at the thought of this.
“They won’t.”
“Oh, yeah? How do you know that?”
Derek didn’t say anything for a moment and Reid bounced in the silence. He managed to hold eye contact with his coworker as he seemingly struggled for an answer. Reid’s jaw clenched in frustration as Derek began again.
“I just do.”
Reid scoffed as Derek began to walk away from him. “You had no right, man. I-I confided in you. This is- you know this is exactly what I get when I trust someone, it gets thrown back in my face!”
“Mine started six months after I got into the BAU.” Derek interrupted, stepping closer to him. “Yeah. Mine.” He sighed, leaning against a car. Derek began explaining to Reid the root of his own nightmares. It sounded an awful lot like what Reid had been dealing with as well.
“What did you do?” Reid whispered after his friend finished his story.
“Gideon. He knew. I didn’t tell him. I was like you,” Derek nodded towards Reid in understanding, “I didn’t want anybody to know.”
Reid felt a bit better after their conversation, but it quickly was interrupted by Cory. Soon the three of them were running towards the unknown shack behind the Jensen house. Derek went in and when he came back out, it was clear he’d found Cherish. And considering he came back out alone, she was not alive in there.
“Reid, I want you to go to the house and see if the deputies have come back.”
“What?”
“We need the sheriff and the crime scene team here.”
“But-”
“Reid. Do it.”
Reid raced back through the woods. No one had returned yet. He sighed to himself, shaking his head slightly. Retracing his steps, he made his way back through the woods to where Derek and Cody were. A headache was quickly making itself known and it was becoming hard to focus. He tripped over his feet, exhaustion once again making itself known throughout his body. He was barely paying attention to where he was going. He heard voices but wasn’t paying attention to what they were saying.
“Hey Morgan, no one’s up there-” suddenly an arm was wrapped around his neck and Reid felt the butt of a gun against his temple. His hands shot up on instinct and his heart pounded against his chest.
“REID! REID!” Morgan shouted, but it was too late. Cory had a revolver against Reid’s head and with one tiny motion he could kill Reid. “Cory!”
“This got all messed up.”
“Don’t be stupid.”
“SHE WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE WITH HIM! IT WAS HIS RUN, HE RUNS EVERY DAY, NOT HER!” Cory shouted in Reid’s ear. He could feel his head pounding from the pain of Cory’s yelling directly in his ear. Cory’s arm was slowly cutting off his breathing. He felt the gun push into his cheek now, but his head was beginning to fill itself with cotton, hearing going out slightly. He closed his eyes tightly in an attempt to come back to himself. Derek was putting his gun down and they were running out of options. Reid’s mind cleared slightly, and he came up with a plan.
“For the evil is man’s best force man must become better and eviler!”
“What?”
“That’s what it’s about, right? Uh, Zarathustra? The superman?” His mind was pounding from effort, but Reid kept pushing. “There’s no moral obligation for killing someone if you’re superior to them? But Nietzsche was speaking metaphorically about evolving as a species.”
Derek spoke up once more, “You’re just a horny kid who wanted to get rid of the cheerleader’s boyfriend.”
“No!”
“Yes.”
Reid felt the kid’s grip slacken slightly and knew that was his chance. He was distracted and could finally be caught off guard.
“That was never my intent-” Reid brought his arm around suddenly to knock the gun away from his head. Suddenly he felt himself hitting the ground as a third body tackled them. A shot went off and Reid’s ears rang from the noise. His head pounded more powerfully than before and he groaned. Propping himself up on his elbows, he watched as Derek punched the kid to subdue him. Reid’s left wrist was throbbing, as was his head, and his body felt fairly weak. He reached up with his right hand to tuck his hair behind his ear and began catching his breath. Dazed, he glanced at Derek as the man put a strong hand on his shoulder.
“You alright?” He asked. Reid’s ears were still ringing but he managed a reply.
“What happened?”
“Him bringing us down here was way too much of a coincidence.”
“No, I got that. Did you have to tackle us both?” He asked, breathing heavily. Derek smirked and replied with “you’re welcome, Reid” before pulling Cory up with him, leaving Reid to catch his breath on the ground. He managed to stand and stumble towards the flashing lights, following Derek and Cory. The pain in his head had worsened but his wrist was beginning to numb. That probably wasn’t a good thing, but Reid chose to ignore it.
The team gathered, watching Cory being shoved into a police car. The sheriff had a look of disappointment on his face. Soon the team was funneling back into the vehicles, everyone ready to head back to Quantico. After a quick stop at the station to grab their belongings, they were soon on their way to the jet and Reid had settled into a dazed state.
His head continued to pound, and body ached all over. His wrist was no longer numb but throbbing at the same beat his head was. All he wanted was to go to sleep. But he couldn’t. he knew the moment he fell asleep the rest of the team would know, because, inevitably, he would end up getting some sort of nightmare. He rested his head against the cool window, hoping it would help his worsening headache.
He must have dozed off (or passed out?) because suddenly the door he was leaning against opened and he was falling into Derek’s arms.
“Woah there, pretty boy” he exclaimed, easily catching the kid and helping him get his footing. “Let’s get you to the jet, okay?” Reid nodded and Derek pulled the kid’s arm up over his shoulder to help walk him to the plane. The other team members were already making their way up the stairs. However, Hotch and Gideon witnessed the kid’s exhaustion and exchanged a look. Without a word, the two agents nodded at one another, a silent agreement between themselves. They followed the rest of the team to the plane.
Once they got up the stairs, Derek let go of Reid, hoping he could at least find a seat without any help. Luckily, he plopped himself down in the first open seat he could spot, eyes glazed over. Derek turned around, making eye contact with Gideon. The two nodded at one another and Gideon ended up taking the seat nearest Reid.
The plane took off and most everyone’s exhaustion got the best of them. Soon, Reid appeared to be the only one left awake on the jet. His eyes continued to droop, but he was doing his best to study the sight out the window and keep himself up. He longed to fall asleep, to have relief from his pounding head and wrist and aching body, but he couldn’t face the nightmares. He was contemplating making himself a cup of coffee when he was startled out of his thoughts.
“Reid” he jumped at the sound of Gideon’s voice. His father-figure began to pull out his wallet. A photo was held out to Reid for him to take.
“Deborah Louise Addison. Her husband Tim. The kids are Amber and Keith. Eight and six. In 1985, Deborah Louise was walking home from school. She was abducted. She was 13. We profiled the unsub. And we were able to locate her before he harmed her. She writes a letter to the B. A. U. every year. She updates us on her life.” Reid nodded, a small smile on his face while studying the photo.
“It’s nice but-”
“We all have bad dreams.” Gideon interrupted him. “Everyone on the plane. Who wouldn't? We hunt the worst of humanity we see the depths of depravity, we dream of monsters.”
Reid nodded once more, keeping eye contact with his superior. He swallowed and took a deep breath before beginning to speak.
“In my dream there's a baby in the middle of a circle and there's someone on the other side. And I can't get to her before-” Reid trailed off, his voice catching in his throat.
“Every night I look at Deborah helps me to go to sleep thinking of the victims we've saved. We don't always beat the monsters to the babies, but we do enough to make the job worth it keep the nightmares bearable.” Gideon finished and Reid attempted to hand him the picture. Gideon shook his head though, clearly wanting him to have it. Reid nodded in thanks and once again turned to look out the window.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, relaxing. It wasn’t long before he fell into a deep, clearly very needed slumber.

Chapter Text

PT2
The plane landed after a few hours. Everyone awoke, besides Reid. The kid was out cold. Most of the team began deplaning, but Derek, Hotch, and Gideon stayed behind.
“Should we wake him up? It looks like he needs the sleep…” Derek stated, rubbing the back of his neck.
Hotch shook his head. “I’ll carry him to the car; I can drop him off at his apartment.”
“I’m not sure it’s a great idea to leave him alone right now.” Gideon stated. The three of them nodded. It went unsaid that when the kid eventually woke up someone needed to be there to make sure he took care of himself. He clearly had rejected to do any self-care in the last week.
Derek sighed, “I don’t think I saw anything but coffee and sugar enter his body the past few days, we need to make sure he gets some food down.”
“And if he has any nightmares someone needs to be there to help him, if they’ve been keeping him up this long, they must be pretty bad, it wouldn’t hurt to have some comfort” Hotch finished. Gideon nodded, agreeing with their statements.
“I’ll stay with him” Derek decided, “Hotch, you can just drop the both of us at his place. I’ll make sure he gets some food and sleep and is better by Monday.”
The three men now in agreement sprung into action. Gideon stepped off the plane first, going to get in the driver’s seat of the other vehicle, deciding he’d drive home the other half of their team.
Derek grabbed Reid’s shoulder bag and stuffed the book he’d been holding inside. After a moment, he decided to take the kid’s glasses off and stuff them in there too. He then backed up, allowing Hotch to move towards him.
Hotch lifted the kid into a bridal carry a little too easily. He frowned at this; he knew the kid was light, but it seemed like he’d even lost weight since the last time he’d carried him (he had to pick up a passed-out Reid all too frequently).
“Make sure he eats.” Hotch stated to Derek with a furrowed brow. The kid hung limp in the man’s arms, lanky arms tucked awkwardly around his body and head lulling against his chest. The two made their way off the plane.
When they got to the car, they easily manipulated Reid into the backseat, buckling him in before allowing him to lay against the door of the vehicle. Derek stayed in the back with him and Hotch drove. The ride was silent for the most part, other than very light snoring coming from Reid.
When they arrived at his apartment, Hotch parked and decided he’d carry Reid upstairs as well. It didn’t take long before Derek unlocked the apartment and they were able to plop the kid in bed, taking his shoes off reviling his mismatched socks.
“Should we change him into pajamas or just leave him?” Derek asked. “I don’t wanna make him sleep in his work clothing…”
“I suppose we could try to rouse him, but he seems pretty out to me” Hotch replied. The two made the executive decision to get him into some pajamas and set out to find some. In Reid’s drawers they found some adorable pjs, mostly Halloween themed which seemed weird since it wasn’t that time of year, but they settled on some cute pumpkin covered pants and a black tee.
Hotch pulled Reid into a sitting position as best he could. The kid was almost completely limp in his grasp. Together the two managed to get him out of his work clothing and into his pjs. They shared a look when the button-down shirt had been removed, gawking at how they could count the kid’s ribs and how his hips and spine jutted out. He really had run himself straight into the ground this time. They’d need to have a talk with him when he was better about not forgetting to take care of himself. Nevertheless, they settled him back in bed and Hotch left Derek to go home.
Derek settled on the couch, quickly drifting off to sleep as well.
It was afternoon the next day when Reid finally awoke. He felt much better than he had in a long while. A glass of water was sitting on his nightstand which he quickly downed. Since he wasn’t as exhausted and no headache was assaulting his brain, he suddenly realized he seemed to have an appetite again. Slowly and clumsily, he managed to pull himself out of bed and make his way to the door of his bedroom. All the sudden he realized he had no recollection of getting back to his apartment or changing out of his clothing, but when he saw Derek in his kitchen, he pieced together what had happened.
“Good morning” Reid greeted with a sleep-laced voice. Derek turned around, chuckling with a smile on his face.
“More like good afternoon, look who finally rose from the dead.” Reid smiled and made his way to the kitchen counter, taking a seat on one of the stools.
“Whatcha makin’?”
“Oh, just something for the resident genius to eat.” He smirked, “Hungry?”
“Starving.”
“Good.”
The two ate the meal Derek had cooked and spoke about things other than work. It was always nice when they actually had time to catch up with one another. However, during the meal Reid’s wrist had begun to throb once more and he realized that he might have hurt it worse than he previously thought. He’d managed to keep it out of Derek’s eyeline but wanted to check it out for himself before coming to any conclusions.
After the meal, he excused himself to the bathroom. He flipped on the lights and locked the door behind him, taking a seat on the toilet. He finally brought his wrist up, inspecting it. Immediately his stomach did a somersault. It was purple and swollen. He may not have an M.D., but it didn’t take a medical doctor to realize that it was more than a sprain as he’d previously assumed.
“Fuck” Reid whispered to himself. He needed to wrap it, but there was no way Derek wouldn’t notice. But if he left it, his friend would probably still eventually notice his bruised hand. So far, Derek had made no move to leave which probably meant he wasn’t planning on going anytime soon.
Swallowing back a wave of nausea brought on by looking at his injury, he decided he’d just tell Derek. Walking out of the bathroom, he approached his friend who was at the sick cleaning off their dishes.
“Derek,” he started in a quiet voice, “I think I may have fractured my wrist…” Derek spun around immediately, concern filling his features.
“What?!” he exclaimed, carefully grabbing the kid’s arm. “When the hell did this happen?” Reid shrugged, looking at the ground. “Shit… is this… when I tackled you…” Reid nodded in confirmation and Derek swore.
“Sorry, I was just too exhausted to really even notice it yesterday and then I was too hungry just now and I don’t wanna go to the hospital we can probably just ice and wrap it here and take care of it ourselves, in fact I’m not even sure there is a fracture maybe it’s just a sprain maybe-”
“Spencer.” Derek stopped his rambling. “Hey, it’s okay, I should be apologizing to you. Come on, I’ll drive you in. Let’s get it looked at regardless, alright?” Reid nodded.
After getting dressed the two made their way to the ER. Luckily the fracture was clean, and it was an easy fix, just icing the wrist and bounding it with a soft splint. They gave him some pain medicine and the two were sent on their way.
“Hey, you feeling better?” Derek asked as they drove back to Reid’s place. The answer was obvious. His skin had some color back and the circles under his eyes were much less prominent. Another good night’s sleep and a few nutritious meals and the kid would be back to normal in no time. Reid smiled, turning to his friend.
“You have no idea.”

Chapter Text

S1 EXTRA
PT1
Spencer Reid knew he was sick the moment his eyes opened in the morning. His stomach rolled immediately, and he found himself racing for the bathroom. After expelling the contents of his stomach, he flushed the toilet and laid back against the cool tiles. Thinking back over his last few days, he was confused as to this sudden onslaught of sickness.
Suddenly, it hit him. Reid found himself facepalming slightly at his stupidity. He had probably contracted some form of the flu sometime during their most recent case. They had flown up to Maine where it down poured on the team all week. Reid specifically had been soaked to the bone as he’d neglected to bring an umbrella and his go-bag did not have his rain jacket. He was essentially soaked for all four days they were there. Piling onto that the lack of sleep and nourishment he allowed himself during a case, it was no wonder he got sick. He sighed in relief remembering that they had the day off. Lazily, Reid managed to pull himself off the floor and collapse back onto the bed.
A horrible ringing noise suddenly rose him from his slumber. Spencer groaned in annoyance and pain, reaching to slap his alarm clock. When he did this, the noise did not cease. He blurrily lifted his head, realizing his phone was the object of the noise, and he clumsily reached for it.
“Yeah?” His voice ground against his throat painfully as he spoke.
“Reid, wheels up in thirty, we’ve got another case. A bad one. We’ll debrief on the plane, meet us at the runway.”
With that Hotch hung up his end of the call and Reid slowly caught up with his words. A case, there was a case, but didn’t he have the day off? The plane. There was a plane he needed to catch. Why was he going to the airport?
He managed to sit up, fighting off lingering vertigo, and rubbed his face with his hand. Taking inventory, he attempted to diagnose himself.
The nausea was the most annoying, or maybe the vertigo, he wasn’t sure. There was a definite pressure between his eyes and his throat felt scratchy. He was sweaty, but he wasn’t sure if that was from fever or just because his room felt really hot. He was definitely partially congested, but comparative to the other symptoms, that didn’t seem like a big deal. Overall, he felt like trash.
However, the team needed him, someone out there could get killed if he wasn’t on the case, so he pulled himself out of bed in an attempt to get dressed.
Reid pulled out the first pair of pants he could find and paired it with a short sleeve shirt. God, it felt like it was 100 degrees in his apartment. He wondered if his A/C was broken but he could hear it whirring in the other room. He pulled on some mismatched socks and threw on his favorite converse. Throwing on a belt, he pulled it to the tightest loop possible. It didn’t quite do the job anymore, but it was good enough. Stepping back into his bathroom, Reid quickly brushed his teeth and grimaced at his appearance. His skin was grey and circles under his eyes even more pronounced than normal. His eyes were fairly blood shot and his hair was a mess. Reid attempted to tame it, but to no avail.
Eventually, he dragged himself out the door, sipping on a coffee with too much sugar in it, clutching his satchel to his side. He pulled out his phone as he walked downstairs to glance at the time. Derek had texted him that he would pick him up. Though it took him longer than usual to get ready, luckily, he was still on time. Right as he exited his apartment building, the other agent pulled up in a black SUV.
Reid pulled himself into the passenger seat, sighing as the cool air of the A/C hit him.
“Woah there pretty boy, you sick or something?”
Reid glanced over at Derek with tired eyes. “No?”
“Yeah that sounded convincing. Listen, Reid, if you need to sit this one out…”
“No Derek I’m fine, let’s just go.” Reid coughed slightly into his hand and shifted focus out the window.
“Whatever you say kid.” Derek, clearly unconvinced, sighed but pulled away from the curb. Knowing the kid there was no way he’d ask for help; they’d probably only be able to sideline him when he keeled over.
The ride to the airport was relatively quiet, except for the occasional cough from Reid. Derek continued to send him worried glances, but Reid ignored him. He was more focused on stopping the world from spinning.
When they arrived, they quickly got out of the car, rushing to the plane. They were the last to arrive, it seemed, and so they needed to get going asap.
The two boarded the plane, Reid keeping his head down hoping no one would make any comment towards his appearance. He was certain that if he looked as awful as he felt he probably looked like a corpse.
Reid received a few worried looks from the other members of the team, but after taking a seat in a corner, he managed to avoid most glances. JJ handed him a file which he immediately dug into. If he was reading, hopefully no one would try and talk to him.
The case was bad, Hotch was right. Enough that looking at the photos from the scene made Reid’s stomach roll. Moving on, he began reading about the case. A serial killer in Nebraska for sure, brutally torturing his male victims before drowning them. The victimology read fairly simply. All white men ages 25-35, slender, tall, brown hair… Reid realized he just described himself. He swallowed, it wasn’t the first time he’d matched the description of the unsub’s desire, and it probably wouldn’t be the last. Plus, Elle and JJ felt like this all the time. The majority of the unsubs they caught were after women, and he was sure they often felt that they would fit the victimology.
Moving on he studied the behavior. The scenes were highly organized. Clearly the unsub was intelligent and methodical. These definitely weren’t victims of opportunity and they were possibly a surrogate for someone the unsub knew. He kept the victims for about three days before drowning them.
The photos began blurring in front of his eyes. He removed his glasses and rubbed hard into his eye sockets, hoping maybe that would clear up his vision. Unfortunately, the only result was the amplification of his headache. He ran his hand through his hair and placed the file in his lap. Reid looked up to see the team had begun discussing the information aloud. Derek was staring straight at him with worry, but Reid ignored it. He attempted to tune into the conversation but was having trouble focusing.
Suddenly, a hand was shaking him awake. He lifted his head to see Derek, alone in the jet. They had landed and, it seemed as though everyone else had already deplaned.
“Wake up kid, time to get off the jet.”
“Mmmmh.” Was Reid’s only response. He wasn’t sure he could form a coherent sentence at the moment. His head was swimming and his stomach rolling once more. As he began to stand, he found his knees buckling. Large arms caught him before he could hit the ground. His vision blacked out for a moment, and when he opened his eyes he was on the floor. Reid’s brows furrowed in confusion.
“Dd I jst pss ‘t?” That wasn’t the sentence he was going for, but his mouth was so dry that his words seemed to be stuck in his throat.
“Kid what the hell is going on? You look like shit and now you pass out for a few seconds when you stand up? Do you need the hospital, or do we just need to bench you on this one?”
“n-no hsptl. Mm fine.”
“Right. You sound great. I’ll tell you what kid, you walk with me out to the car and we won’t go to the hospital, but if Hotch or I have to carry you again it’ll be to an E.R., alright?”
Reid nodded at this. Derek reached down, grabbing the kid’s bag and throwing it over his shoulder. Then he offered his hand. Reid sat up slowly, head swimming, but not as horribly as when he previously got up. The two slowly stood, Reid’s arm hooked around Derek’s shoulder, leaning heavily against the other man. The duo made slow progress but managed to get out of the plane and down the tarmac.
There was only one car present with a worried looking Hotch sitting in the driver’s side. The other team must have already headed off to the police station. Derek opened the passenger side and helped Reid into the front seat. He felt a bit more lucid now, though he still felt sick. He was not as nauseated and his vertigo calmed down, though his head and throat still hurt.
“He fainted Hotch.” Derek informed the man. Hotch’s eyes hardened at Reid, but he decided not to make any commentary.
Hotch helped him get buckled as his clumsy hands were moving slower than normal and the three of them began to drive.
“Reid, if you’d told me you weren’t feeling well, I could’ve given you the day off. You didn’t have to come on this case.” Hotch stated, a bit of anger and concern seeping through his voice. Reid attempted to clear his throat but begun coughing instead. After a few seconds he managed to catch his breath and turned to Hotch.
“Sorry. I know. I’m okay.”
“Clearly you’re not, pretty boy.” Derek commented from the back. “You passed out on me not ten minutes ago. You need medicine and sleep… and I’m guessing you forgot to eat too so probably some food as well. We can handle the case.”
“Guys, I’m fine, you don’t need to worry about me-”
“Reid, you’re sick. You look awful, you clearly have a fever, and may I remind you that you passed out into Morgan’s arms. We’re taking you to the hotel and you’re going to get at least a little better before we let you into the case. Are we clear?” Hotch quickly glanced at Reid who had on his ‘woe is me pretty please’ puppy dog eyes. Hotch rolled his eyes at the kid and tried once more. “Spencer, this is an order. You are not to help with the investigation at least until your fever is gone.”
Reid pouted but nodded in agreement. After another moment, Hotch broke the silence again.
“You know you probably got sick because of the last case.” He turned his head, facing the miserable looking boy. “You looked like a drowned puppy for four straight days and I’m guessing that even though we ordered you to eat and sleep, you probably ignored us. If you took care of yourself, you probably wouldn’t be in this situation.”
Reid sighed, looking out the window. He was probably right, but how could be sleep or eat when a killer was on the loose?! He just didn’t understand how the other agents were able to separate themselves from the case when they were in the midst of it.
The trio made it to the hotel fairly quickly. The town they were in was not very big so, luckily, they weren’t that far from the airport, police station, or crime scene. Derek helped Reid get inside as Hotch checked the team into the hotel. When they got to the room Reid was slightly surprised when Derek sat down in the chair beside the bed he’d been laid on.
“What are you doing?” Derek and Hotch shared a look. Reid was surprised when Hotch allowed a small smirk to paint his features before turning to leave.
“Feel better Spencer.” He said before exiting the room, leaving Derek with him.
“Derek, what are you-”
“I’m staying with you, dumbass.” Derek interrupted, chuckling.
“But the case-”
“Exactly kid. Regardless of how much you try to shut us out we all know you pretty well, and it’s clear if we leave you alone in here, you’re just going to conduct an investigation alone and probably make yourself sicker.” He leaned forwards, smirking a bit. “Now that’s not going to happen because I am going to make sure you take care of yourself for at least the next 24 hours. There’re two beds in here anyways, we’ll just share the room. Get your pajamas on and get some rest, okay? I’ll get you a glass of water and maybe something to eat, alright?”
Reid nodded, sulking that they had foiled his plan so easily. He quickly undressed and redressed in the bathroom, splashing some water on his face before exiting. Derek made sure he downed some water before he collapsed back into the bed. They took his temperature and it was hovering around 101. Derek said he’d hopefully find some medicine for the kid to take by the next time he was awake. And just like that Reid was out like a light, exhausted from even the small effort he’d put forth in the last hour.

Chapter Text

PT2
When Reid awoke it was dark out. He suddenly realized the need for his awakening and shot to the bathroom. On his knees before the toilet he expelled the small amount of fluid he had ingested. Tears involuntarily flowed down his face as he dry-heaved. Hands began rubbing comforting circles on his back. After a few minutes of heaving out nothing, his stomach finally stopped seizing.
He was laying limply against the cold toilet bowl, exhausted from all the energy he spent. He was so hot, and the coolness of the porcelain felt good. The hands on his back continued tracing shapes. It calmed him down substantially. The only time he’d experienced something this comforting was with the team. When he was sick as a child, he took care of himself. Then he decided he’d just pretend he wasn’t sick rather than attempt to comfort himself.
With the team he’d found now, it was different. When he’d been injured or sick, or even just sad, the team seemed to care. He couldn’t quite understand it, but they’d try to help. He supposed it was hypocritical in some fashion. He had always considered himself the protector but didn’t think he deserved protecting. But the team treated him like a little brother, someone who needed a lot of guarding. Maybe that’s why he didn’t complain when they called him ‘kid’ or were worried about him going into a dangerous situation. He had never had that before. It was nice.
The hands stopped moving on his back and were pulling his limp body away from the toilet.
“Come on kid, let’s get you back to bed.” Reid was too exhausted to acknowledge Derek, but he appreciated the help. He had planned on just staying there all night. When Derek tried to pull him up, Reid couldn’t get footing, he felt too weak. Instead, Derek managed to swing the kid into his arms, carrying him bridal style to the bed.
When he deposited Reid in the bed, his head lulled on the pillow. He didn’t seem to have much control over his muscles at the moment. Seemed like too much effort.
“Hey kid, let’s get some liquid in you, okay? Then you can sleep, alright?”
“Mmmph.”
“I’m taking that as a yes” Derek propped the still very limp Reid up against the headboard and opened a bottle of Gatorade. Luckily JJ had popped by the store and gotten some necessities for dealing with a sick Spencer. Some Gatorade, saltines, sprite, ice packs, and some flu medicine. They weren’t sure exactly what he had, but it seemed like some form of flu or cold.
He helped the kid down a few sips of the drink before allowing him to lay back down. Taking out the thermometer, Derek placed it under the Reid’s tongue. After a minute it beeped, reading 102.7.
“Shit.” That was substantially higher than it had been. Derek stood to get the flu medicine and ice packs. “Hey, kid, wake up for one more second, you need to take some medicine.”
Reid pulled his eyes open into slits. It felt like someone glued his lids shut. Derek gave him some weird tasting liquid and he grimaced as it entered his mouth.
“Swallow the medicine pretty boy, come on.” Reid managed to get it down without gagging too much. When he finished, Derek helped him lay back down and he curled up under the blankets. Suddenly the room was freezing. Curling into a ball, he tucked himself under the covers. A cold item appeared on his forehead and he flinched away from it.
“stop… ‘s cld.”
“Kid that’s the fever talking, you’re burning up.”
“no… ‘s cld… ‘s lke wre in nt’artica.”
Derek shook his head. “Antarctica?” Reid nodded. “Alright kid get some rest. Hopefully the medicine will bring down that fever.” More cold spots appeared around his body and he tried to burrow away from them, but soon he didn’t seem to care anymore.
Reid drifted in and out of consciousness from there. He vaguely remembered the cold, and then feeling like his body was on fire. He was fairly certain he vomited again and was forced to drink more of that foul liquid. There had been multiple voices at one point, whispering through what sounded like cotton, and then hands stroking his hair. When he eventually pulled his eyes open, soft light was filtering through the hotel window.
Reid’s head lulled to the side. There was a body next to him in the bed. Looking the other direction, he saw another body in the second bed. He gently pushed his aching body into a sitting position. Squinting at the light, he swung his legs over the side of the bed. He felt a million times better than he had the day before. His vertigo was pretty much gone, and his stomach felt more nauseated from lack of food than from being sick. He still had a small headache, but his throat and nasal passages felt better as well. The only thing that had stuck with him was the phlegm in his lungs. He figured he’d probably have a cough a while longer.
He gently stood and walked to the bathroom. The clock on the wall read a little past 5am. He must’ve slept the whole last day. Shutting the door to the bathroom, he quickly relieved himself before looking in the mirror. He had a definite case of bedhead, hair sticking up in every direction. His skin was still pale, but less grey and sickly than it had been. He turned to walk out the door only to find Derek standing on the other side.
“I was making sure you weren’t sick again.” He stated immediately. Reid smiled.
“I wasn’t.”
“Here kid let’s get you back to bed, are you feeling better?” Reid nodded, taking Derek’s help back to the bed. It might only be a few steps away, but he was still feeling fairly weak. He sat down on the bed, realizing that the other body had awoken as well, a disheveled looking Hotch was watching him from the other bed.
“Open up.” Derek said, shoving the thermometer in Reid’s mouth before he could process the action. Reid gave a small scowl but didn’t protest.
“Ah well if you’re able to pout then clearly you’re feeling a little better” Hotch smirked. Reid rolled his eyes at this comment but didn’t retort back. When the thermometer beeped Derek smiled.
“99.1, alright kid looks like your fever’s almost gone. What are your other symptoms?” Reid opened his mouth, but Derek cut him off, “And NO downplaying it, alright? We worked too hard yesterday getting your fever down to have to deal with a delusional Reid another day.” Reid blushed at this comment. He couldn’t remember much of the previous day, but he was sure Derek probably wasn’t exaggerating. He cleared his aching throat before starting.
“Throat’s still sore, bit of a headache. That’s about it though.” Reid gave a small smile and the men exchanged glances.
“Up for eating something?” Hotch asked and Reid paled slightly but nodded. Derek’s eyebrows raised in surprise. Perhaps they assumed he was downplaying it too much. Which, with his track record, wouldn’t have been surprising, he supposed. Derek walked towards his bag to grab the crackers they’d gotten for him and Hotch took a seat next to Reid on the bed. He placed his hand on his back, rubbing small circles. Reid unconsciously leaned into the touch, closing his eyes.
This was something Hotch and Derek had talked about the previous night. It was clear that the kid was starved for attention and touch, yet he tended to push the two things away. They’d talked about attempting to slowly give him these two things, introduce them in his life. Maybe it would help him. He clearly had little to no self-esteem and maybe a little bit of praise and attention about something other than his brain, which they were sure was the only complement he’d ever received from the way he acted, would help boost his confidence. Maybe introducing touch into his life would help him loosen up and trust the team a little more. Then, when they were in situations like this, maybe he’d ask for help before he fainted.
Derek approached the two, a sleeve of crackers and bottle of Gatorade in hand. When Hotch’s hand left Reid’s back, his eyes immediately shot open as he shook himself out of the comfortable trance he’d fell into. He rubbed his eyes and took the crackers. It was obvious that he felt uncomfortable with all eyes on him, so Hotch and Derek moved to the chairs beside the bed, discussing the case, but keeping an eye on Reid while doing so.
He carefully unwrapped the crackers, attempting not to spill the salt onto the bedspread. Carefully, he took a small bite out of one. It didn’t really taste like much, but that was kinda the point, he supposed. He took a few more bites before taking a swig of the unnaturally colored drink. When his stomach didn’t instantly revolt, he continued, taking small nibbles of the crackers. Reid found his stomach actually began to feel better with some amount of food being put into it and managed to eat about half the sleeve before stopping.
Hotch and Derek had been carrying on conversation but kept tabs on Reid. The kid was looking better but was still much to skinny and clearly still sick. Someone needed to teach this kid to look after himself or he was going to collapse one day and never wake up. They were both happy to see him eat a fair number of crackers before stopping. Hotch realized that was the most he’d seen the kid ingest in the past few months. Maybe he’d have a talk with Reid when they were back in Quantico.
Derek stood to take the items from Reid.
“Stomach feeling okay?” Reid nodded. Derek’s brow shot up in confusion. “Voice stop working or something pretty boy?”
Reid cleared his throat. “No, just hurts a bit” he whispered, voice gravelly. He coughed a few times and Hotch immediately handed him a glass of water. He took it gratefully, gulping it down before whispering “how’s the case?”
Hotch and Derek shared a look as Reid continued.
“Guys, please? I feel bad enough that you’re stuck here with me rather than out-”
“Kid we aren’t stuck with you.” Derek interrupted, “We’re here because you’re sick and needed help. Plus, we WE’RE out working the case until midnight and unlike SOME people, the two of us know when it’s time to stop and get some rest.”
Reid blushed, looking away. Once again in a quiet voice he started “but the people out there need help and I-”
“So help me Reid if you say anything about not mattering as much as the victims I will slap you in front of Hotch.”
Reid’s mouth clamped shut and eyes dropped to his lap. Derek shook his head and Hotch’s face took on the signature Hotch frownTM.
“how do you just shut it off?” Hotch moved from his chair to the bed, once again initiating touch between him and the young doctor. He lightly placed his hand on Reid’s shoulder, causing the boy to look up from his lap making eye contact once more.
“We can’t, not completely at least. None of us can. And not being able to doesn’t make you weak, Spencer. But you need to realize that the weight of the case and the victims does not souly fall on your shoulders” Reid’s eyes began to water, Hotch could see all the guilt and pain behind his eyes. Realizing he’d struck a nerve, he continued, “I know you think you should be able to figure it out fast enough to save everyone, but you can’t always do that. We can’t always do that. All you can do is try your best to save as many people as possible, but that doesn’t warrant constantly running yourself into the ground. We’d rather you get a few hours rest and come back the next morning with a clear mind than stay up all night wracking your brain for an answer you may or may not find. Okay?” Reid didn’t move for a moment, but eventually he nodded, a tear escaping his eye.
Hotch reached up and wiped it away but almost immediately Reid reacted to the secondary touch by throwing himself into Hotch’s arms. His thin arms wrapped tightly around the man’s frame as Reid shook with silent sobs into his chest. Hotch wrapped his arms around the kid in reciprocity. He and Morgan shared a surprised look, but quickly the other agent took a seat on the other side of the kid and engulfed them both in a hug.
Reid felt embarrassed, crying into his boss’s chest. But he had no control over his tears at this point. The guilt he’d held onto for so long had caused him too much sorrow to just be completely dismissed. Hotch’s words were reassuring, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to let go completely, but he now knew that someone actually understood his pain. That in itself was comforting to know.
He let out tears that had been held back for years. The guilt for each of the victims that he felt like he’d let down. The guilt he felt for putting his mother in the sanatorium, and even the guilt of forcing his father to leave because he’d been too much. Reid sobbed for what seemed like forever into Hotch’s chest, but, for the first time in a long time, he didn’t feel alone.
He could feel the man’s arms around him, and a second pair wrapped from the other direction. He was suddenly hit with a seemingly obvious realization that he’d been oblivious too. This was his team, but more importantly, this was his family. Coworkers wouldn’t sit and let you cry into your chest for hours. They wouldn’t drop everything to take care of you when they were sick. And they certainly wouldn’t seek you out to make sure you were doing okay. That’s what family did. Reid had a family.
When the tears finally stopped, it had only been about a half hour. To Reid it felt like days, his head pounded, and nose was stuffed, throat sore once again. But at the same time, he felt like a weight that had been sitting on his chest for six years had finally been lifted.
The three separated, Reid immediately collapsing against the bedframe, feeling exhaustion fill his body. Derek smiled at him, patting his knee before standing up. He looked at his watch, moving to grab his jacket.
“It’s 8:00 so I’m gunna go meet the team at the station,” he paused, turning to face Reid, “rest a little more and, later, if your fever completely breaks, maybe we’ll debrief you and let you back in on the case, okay?”
Reid’s face immediately lit up at this, he nodded enthusiastically at Derek, watching the man smile and turn to go out the door.
Hotch patted Reid’s knee before standing up himself. He’d be staying with the kid this morning, working from the hotel room to make sure he continued to rest, but he figured he should probably get dressed. Before he could though, a small voice stopped him.
“Thanks, Hotch. I… just thank you for understanding” Reid whispered, grinning. Hotch turned, a small smile gracing his face, and ruffled the kid’s hair.
“Anytime. Now get some more sleep, you heard the man” He joked, turning away.
Reid chuckled lightly before reburying himself within the comforter. He silently prayed that when he woke up, he’d be well enough to help with the case, but decided he was grateful for the help he’d received from his two family members. Spencer smiled, quickly drifting off to sleep.

Chapter Text

PT3
Reid woke a few hours later. He certainly wasn’t back to normal, but he felt loads better than he had in quite a while. Hotch made him eat the rest of the crackers and finish his Gatorade before taking his temperature. It was now back to normal, confirming that his fever had broken. He still felt weakened, cough very much still present, however, most of his other symptoms had dissipated.
The stuffiness was slowly getting better, his headache was almost gone, the nausea and vertigo nonexistent. He told Hotch as much and was allowed to shower and dress for work.
The steam from the shower did wonders for his nose and he even managed to shake some of the phlegm from his lungs. Feeling refreshed, he redressed himself and brushed his hair. He was out of contacts, to he shoved his glasses on and stepped out of the bathroom, ready to go to the precinct.
On the way, Hotch and he discussed what he’d missed in the past 30 or so hours. They’d found another body; this one only held for two days and clearly drowned much earlier than was typical for this unsub. They already had a report of another missing male who fit the victimology and it seemed as though they might be running out of time. The unsub was clearly devolving rapidly. They had a few suspects in mind but hadn’t completely narrowed it down yet.
Reid was very quickly flipping through all the reports, taking in all of the information that had been collected. He immediately began a geographical profile in his head, having memorized a map of rural Nebraska during a previous case. All the dump sites were located within a three-mile radius of one another. They were in backwoods, suggesting the unsub was probably from the area since an outsider could get lost easily in that region.
Reid suggested to Hotch that they tell Garcia to narrow the profile to that geographical region and search for white men who were in the same age range. They had to be strong because, though their victims were not incredibly muscly, they were all fairly tall. When they got to the station, Reid immediately pinned a map to one of the boards and began drawing all over it. He quickly translated what he’d done in his head onto a place where everyone could see.
Garcia called back, announcing that she managed to narrow it down to two men who fit the profile. A Steven Harding and Roger Meriwether. Both had menial jobs, but definitely the amount of strength and intelligence that would be needed to perform these acts against other men. Neither men’s sexuality was listed anywhere and there were no other clues leading the team to decide which was their unsub.
The only option was to split into teams and try to profile the correct guy in person, hopefully catching him before it was too late for his next victim.
Reid piled in the back seat of the SUV with Derek and JJ. He pulled on his vest as tight as it would go over his slender frame. The three of them took off for Harding’s house.
“So, Spence, I take it you’re feeling better?” JJ inquired, looking back at Reid with a smile. He returned the smile.
“Much better” he nodded before continuing to adjust the vest.
It only took about ten minutes to get to Harding’s house, the town was relatively small, so nothing was too far away. His house was old and rickety. A river ran through his backyard which immediately raised flags for the three agents.
“I’m gunna check out the river, the autopsy suggested that a rare type of silt was found in the victims’ lungs and if he drowns them here this will link the murders to him.”
The two looked at him with a bit of worry in their eyes but nodded anyways. Reid took off running around the back of the house, while the other two walked up to the front door in hopes of speaking with the man. As Reid turned the corner, he drew his gun, just in case. The area was clear, no one in sight. Nervously, he put his gun back in the holster. He had a bad feeling in his stomach, but he couldn’t figure out why.
‘Must just be a little nauseated still’ he thought, brushing off the feeling. He began walking towards the river. Suddenly, he noticed something peeking out of the water.
Reid quickly drew his gun, walking slowly as he could down the riverbank.
“No one’s answering Reid, but someone's moving around inside, we’re gunna check the perimeter.” Derek informed him through his earpiece. He continued walking slowly forwards, trying not to slip on the bank, but also identify what it was coming out of the water. Slowly, he knelt down, pulling out a glove, he reached for it. Lifting, he uncovered the object.
Except it wasn’t an object.
It was a finger on the latest victim’s hand.
“Shit.” He whispered to himself. With his other hand he touched the button which allowed him to communicate with Morgan and JJ. “Guys, I got somethi-”
Suddenly, his whole body was pushed with a large amount of force, causing him to fall forward into the river. He was freezing, and his head was underwater. Surprised, he gasped, inadvertently sucking in a bunch of water to his lungs. He attempted to fight his attacker who was holding him facedown by the back of the neck, almost sitting on top of him to keep his body under the shallow water. Reid was fading quickly; no oxygen was getting to his brain and he’d inhaled too much water. Being facedown didn't help him much either, he couldn't reach to fight the unsub. The light around him seemed to amplify. His chest stopped hurting and he suddenly felt relaxed.
‘that’s probably not good’ the logical part of his brain insisted, but he was too calm to do anything about it. He moved closer towards the light, leaning into the warmth that it was bringing him. A large weight was lifted off his back, but his body didn’t move towards the air. Instead he just drifted off, letting his eyes shut.
He awoke suddenly, coughing large amounts of water from his lungs. He was laying on his side, shivering and covered in mud, on the riverbank. He retched water and the contents of his stomach for what felt like an hour before settling down. Reid felt as though someone had hit his chest with a hammer multiple times.
‘CPR’ he thought, ‘I just drowned, someone gave me CPR, that’s why my chest hurts.’ He let out a whimper, bringing an arm up to his bruised sternum, but another hand stopped him.
Reid opened his eyes to meet JJ’s, who was carding one hand through his hair, holding his arm with the other. She looked like she was saying something to him, probably something soothing, but his ears weren’t functioning right.
He lazily shifted his gaze behind her, to a wet, very pissed off looking Derek who was talking on the phone with someone while standing next to some random man.
‘oh, that must be the unsub. He must’ve tried to drown me.’ Reid gathered, his brain slowly catching up with the situation.
His lungs unexpectedly decided they hadn’t taxed him enough for one day and Reid found himself coughing once more. JJ kept him on his side as he tried to sputter the excess water and phlegm from his lungs, but to no avail. He was coughing so hard that he began to get a headache. His body was beginning to shut down from the lack of oxygen once again and he felt himself get weaker and weaker. A hand was still running through his wet hair and another joined on his back, smacking him as lightly as they could to help dislodge any fluid in his lungs.
When he finally caught his breath again, he could barely open his eyes. Luckily, though, it seemed help had finally arrived.
An oxygen mask was shoved on his face and Reid relished in the pure oxygen that was being pumped into his body. He was being rolled onto his back and lifted onto something hard, but his body was limp as a ragdoll at this point. He held onto consciousness only because something in his body was telling him he shouldn’t fall asleep. Or maybe someone was telling him that, he wasn’t sure.
A bright light was abruptly shot into each of his eyes and he groaned, shutting his lids as tightly as he could. His headache seemed to amplify tenfold from the light. Reid realized that it felt as though he were moving, which seemed illogical. Opening his eyes to slits, he saw JJ’s face and they were… in an ambulance? But why? Was someone hurt? Was JJ hurt?
He began reaching up for whatever was on his face, but hands were holding him down. He began to panic. They were holding him down like the unsub held him down underwater. A loud beeping noise began, which only agitated him further. Soon he felt a slight prick in his arm and with that he decided that maybe it was time to go to sleep. He quickly dropped into unconsciousness.
Reid awoke in a white hospital bed for what seemed like the hundredth time in the past month.
“Fuck, not again” he groaned, closing his eyes.
“Hey, watch your language there, kid.” Reid’s eyes snapped open to see Derek standing beside his bed. Since the man was still wet, it seemed as though he hadn’t been out for very long, which was probably a good sign. He realized there was something on his face and he reached up to grab it.
“Woah there, kiddo, you need to leave that on.” Derek stated, quickly stopping his hand from reaching the oxygen mask. “They’re trying to clear all the water and other shit from your lungs, so you don’t land yourself some pneumonia, okay?” Reid nodded, slightly annoyed. Didn’t he literally just get better from being sick? Why did it feel like the world was out to get him?
JJ walked in the room, looking worried, but relief immediately replaced the worry as she noticed he was awake.
“Spence! You’re up already!” she rushed to his bedside. He smiled at her, Spencer had always wanted a sister when he was younger, dreaming of someone he could always lean on and confide in, and that was certainly how he thought of JJ. “How are you feeling? We were so worried when Derek dragged you out of that water. You weren’t breathing and your pulse was so weak. He performed four rounds of compressions before you started breathing again.”
Reid’s brows shot up at this. He didn’t realize it had taken that long for him to come back. No wonder his chest felt like a truck ran him over, Derek probably did crack some of his ribs during CPR.
“I feel crappy but I’m alive” He tiredly mumbled, his voice cracking. She grabbed his hand, squeezing it tightly. He squeezed back as hard as he could, which wasn’t very hard, but the effort was there.
“I’ll be back” Derek stated, leaving the two alone.
JJ smiled once more at Reid, tears starting to fill her eyes. He frowned.
“What’s wrong?” JJ chuckled at this, a tear falling from her eye which she quickly wiped away.
“Spence, I thought I lost you today” she murmured, sadness lacing her voice. “When Derek dragged you out of the water you were so… still. Lifeless. I’ve never seen you like that. I mean hell when you sleep you still move around and talk to yourself. But then… I mean Spence, you almost died. You were so pale, and your lips were blue, and you were so limp. When Derek started on the third round of compressions, I started to lose hope… and then when you still didn’t rouse…” She wiped a few more tears from her face, voice catching in her throat.
Reid felt guilty for causing her this much pain. He felt a tear run down his face as well and he cleared his throat.
“JJ, I’m sor-”
“Spence, don’t. It’s not your fault.” She interrupted, smiling at him sadly. She reached out, wiping the tear from his face and he caught her other hand in his.
“It’s not yours either, I don’t blame you… or Derek. I made the decision to go check out the river, so don’t blame yourself either JJ. Please.” JJ nodded, squeezing both of his hands tightly before pulling him into an embrace.
The two of them stayed like that for a while, happy with the fact that they were both alive and in each other’s presence. She eventually let him go when the doctor walked in.
The doctor took him for a chest x-ray and she stated that he only had a small amount of liquid left in his lungs and, as long as he took it easy once they released him, he would probably cough it up within the next few hours and be good to go.
A few hours later, Spencer was released from the hospital. JJ and Morgan were with him, carrying his things for him as they made their way to the car. He was not back to 100%, but his lungs felt better and, somehow, he still felt better than he had when he’d been sick a day ago.
They met the rest of the team on the jet, everyone welcoming Reid with a smile as he’d survived yet another near-death experience.
He laughed as they joked about his knack for getting the short end of the stick and blushed when Hotch and Derek exchanged stories about their time with delusional, fever ridden Reid. He found himself slowly being lulled to sleep by his team members stories and laughs, a smile plastered on his face.
This is what family was supposed to be like, and he was going to hand onto it as tightly as he could.

Chapter Text

S2 E1
“There’s someone upstairs.”
“Where?”
“I saw a shadow.” Reid took a breath, letting out nervous energy. Derek raced ahead of him along with a few SWAT agents. He followed after, tailing behind Hotch. The three reached the end of the long hallway. Reid ran across, pinning himself behind a wall. Glancing down the hall to the slightly opened door, he saw a figure briefly walk past.
“He’s in there.” He whispered, gesturing towards the door. Morgan stepped forwards, preparing to walk in.
“Alright, cover me. I’m gunna go in-”
“Wait, wait, wait. wait.” Reid interrupted. Derek stepped back once more, waiting for an explanation. “Mr. Garner? My name’s Spencer Reid… You were in the hospital with my mother. I-I think she might have confused you.” He paused but when he didn’t hear a reply, continued, “All we want to do is help Rebecca. That’s exactly what you want, right? That’s why you sent us the puzzles? That’s why you said you hoped you’d be seeing us soon?”
“Ask the question.” A raspy voice answered from the room.
Hotch and Derek stared at Reid. “There is no magical question Mr. Garner.” He turned to his two friends, explaining, “He believes if I ask him the right question, it’ll heal all of his wounds.” The two stared, slightly confused at the reason.
“Do you know the question?” Hotch asked.
“I know what he wants…” nervously he shifted from foot to foot before making his next move, “I’m going to move to where he can see me.”
“Reid!” “Reid, no!” the two whispered simultaneously. But Reid had made up his mind. He took a confident step forward, ordering the SWAT team to fall back. Ignoring the words of his fellow agents, he handed his gun to one of the SWAT officers. Raising his hands, he began to slowly walk towards the office.
“Stay calm, Mr. Garner.”
“Ask the question, Sir Percival.”
Reid continued sneaking forwards slowly, “I told you, I’m not Percival. My name is Dr. Spencer Reid from the FBI. You were in the hospital with my mother, Diana?”
“If you want the grail you must ask the question!”
“She’s not a grail!” Reid snapped. “She’s your daughter. Her name’s Rebecca.”
“My daughters died in a fire, and my son, and my wife.”
“Rebecca lived…”
“No. Your mother, she explained it all to me.”
Reid paused, swallowing the lump in his throat. His team had no idea about his mom, but, he supposed, that was about to change. “My mother’s a paranoid schizophrenic who’d forget to eat if she wasn’t properly medicated and supervised.” He could feel the stares of his partners behind him, but there wasn’t time for that now.
“She made me realize none of it was real. I didn’t lose Rebecca. She never existed in the first place.”
“She does exist, Mr. Garner, and we’re here to help her.” Reid had finally reached the door. He slowly reached out, widening the gap, so he could see the man. He was sat at his desk, a very heavy-duty looking bomb strapped to his chest. Reid’s heart jumped into his throat and nerves filled his body. The man’s hand was on the button, shaking slightly. Fear filled the young agent’s eyes as he attempted to warn the other members of his team.
“Hotch, Morgan? I think m-maybe it’d be better if you guys waited downstairs” he paused, taking another small shaky step into the room, “Mr. Garner and I are just gunna… talk alone up here.”
Morgan answered immediately, determination in his voice, “Go ahead and talk, Reid, but we’re not goin’ anywhere.”
“Ask the question, I’ll be healed, and you may take the grail… just ask the question Sir Knight”
Reid looked at the man sadly, hands still raised for him to see. Licking his lips, he answered, “I can’t”
“HEAL ME” the man said, raising his raspy voice slightly. Reid reeled backwards slightly, the man’s finger seemingly tightening on the trigger.
“Mr. Garner, a fisher king wound cannot be healed by somebody else, it’s not a wound to the body, it’s a wound to the memory, a wound to the mind. It’s… it’s a wound that only you can find, and a wound that only you can heal.” He attempted to explain. Reasoning with the man seemed to be his only chance to get them both out of this, but he was starting to think it wasn’t in the cards.
“Just ask the question.”
“There’s only one question that matters, Mr. Garner. There’s only one really important question. Can you forgive yourself?” Reid saw the man’s eyes cloud over in sorrow. He felt a small amount of relief, it seemed as though he might’ve gotten through to him.
“I couldn’t get to them.”
Reid smiled, nodding slightly, “If you tell me where she is, you can save Rebecca now!” the man didn’t move, but Reid kept prodding him, plastering a look of excitement on his face, “Tell me where Rebecca is.”
“You already know. I sent your mother the map.”
Reid’s brows furrowed in confusion, once again the man wasn’t making sense. “What map?”
“Can I forgive myself?” Reid sensed danger once again. The man was slipping back into his delusion. He once more realized the hand around the trigger had tightened and he began slowly backing towards the door. “No, I can’t.”
Reid realized what was about to happen and immediately turned around.
“RUN!” He screamed, launching himself out of the door as fast as he could. The explosion followed a second later, throwing his body even further backwards with the force of the blast. His arms instinctively reached up to his head, but he felt debris bounce off the rest of his body. Heat seemed to be licking at his feet and leg. His ears rung from the noise. Pain begun to fill the back of his left leg. He managed to prop himself up on his forearms and attempted to look back towards the explosion.
“Don’t move Reid! Don’t move!” Derek’s voice pierced through the ringing. He was running behind him and… hitting his leg with something? Oh, maybe that’s why his leg stung, his pant leg was on fire. Dazed, he began to try and stand, fumbling as his limbs failed to cooperate. Hotch appeared on his other side suddenly, reaching for his arm.
“Get him out, get- let’s go, let’s go!” Hotch dragged him off the ground, grabbing hold of his torso. He awkwardly pulled him up to as much of a standing position as he could while Reid attempted to get his legs under him.
“Let’s roll, let’s go!” Morgan shouted. Morgan reached for Reid and tried taking his other side, but the movements were still awkward as he struggled to move his legs at the same speed as the other two. They were essentially dragging him along. He tried to get his mind working again but instead began choking on the smokey air.
“What the hell was that?” Hotch questioned stoically, still dragging Reid down the hallway. His body was curled in on itself, attempting to stay below smokey air but also somewhat unable to hold itself up. His left leg was stinging with pain and he couldn’t put much weight on it.
“He had a bomb.” He retorted between coughs.
“You didn’t think we needed to know that?”
“I told you to go downstairs.”
“Well you didn’t say bomb, you left that part out.”
Reid’s adrenalin suddenly kicked in as he remembered the girl. He had to get the girl out. She was somewhere in the house and she was going to die if he couldn’t figure out the riddle. The pain he was feeling seemed to leave him and he grabbed onto the handrail, effectively stopping Hotch and Morgan from continuing to drag him downstairs.
“Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop”
“What do you mean stop?! The house is on fire Reid let’s go!”
Reid’s hands shook with frustration as he attempted to figure out the riddle. “Just let me think, let me think! He’s the fisher king, this is his castle, Rebecca’s got to be here!”
“Reid, there may not be time for a search, let’s go.” Hotch stated, holding out an arm towards the young man. But Reid didn’t move.
“Location’s on the map that he gave to my mom.” He mumbled to himself.
“Reid all she told us about was that photo!”
Suddenly, it hit him. The photo! He recalled the image of the photo from his memory. It was a photo of the house from the outside. Some lights were on upstairs-probably in the room he just blew up. And also… in the basement, there was a light on in the basement as well!
“Down- She’s in the basement downstairs!” he yelled, rushing down the stairs past the other two agents. His adrenalin was running strong as he sprinted, ignoring the questions Morgan was sending him. Quickly he navigated downstairs, Hotch and Derek hot on his tail. He suddenly heard a girl’s voice screaming for help.
“She’s in here! Rebecca!” he said, turning the corner. Rebecca was sitting on the ground, chained to the earth. The voices seemed to distort around him as he backed himself into the corner of the room. The faces were swimming in front of him, but he attempted to focus as much as he could.
“He called me Sir Percival…” he mumbled to himself.
“Reid, hurry.” Hotch said, worry on his face.
“The key. The key, the youngest one holds the key! Tell me you got the key!”
Reid began searching his pockets absentmindedly before he pulled the key out. Wow, it was a good thing his mother had messed with the evidence board or he wouldn’t have had it with him. He quickly bent down, undoing the lock around her foot before bolting out of the room. The others quickly followed, getting out just before another explosion occurred.
They managed to exit the house without losing anyone else. Everyone was accounted for and Rebecca seemed to be physically unharmed.
As they waited for the ambulance to arrive, Reid leaned himself against one of the SUVs. The pain in his leg was beginning to make an appearance once more and his body felt sore from being thrown against the ground. He was coughing occasionally from the smoke inhalation, but he didn’t think much of it.
Reid was beginning to feel fairly exhausted. The adrenalin had worn off almost completely and the only thing holding him up at the moment was the car he was leaning on. He glanced around, making sure everyone else was ok.
Hotch and Morgan were talking to Rebecca, who was bundled in a blanket. They all looked relatively unharmed. He let out a sigh of relief at this.
The world began to shift slightly as his body began to collapse. He felt his knees collapse into the concrete, and soon after his upper body as well. He let out a weak cough as his ribs jolted against the ground. He laid there, on his front, floating for a moment, before someone began rolling him over.
“R-d… eid!.. Spe-r… come o- k-d…” Derek was hovering above him when he opened his eyes.
“What happened?” He questioned, bringing a hand to his head. His ears were still ringing from the explosion and his head pounded.
“You collapsed; you were probably coming down from an adrenalin high.” Hotch stated. He was rubbing his hand up and down the kid’s arm comfortingly. “Think you can sit up?”
“mmm hmmm” Reid hummed, eyes beginning to shut again against his will.
“Reid, pass out and you’re going to wake up in a hospital bed.”
That woke him up. Reid’s eyes snapped open. He was not about to end up at the hospital again. The two placed gentle hands on his back. They slowly propped him up, Hotch settling behind him to hold him in a sitting position. When they’d finished, the EMTs had finally arrived. Derek quickly waved them over.
They placed an oxygen mask over his mouth and he immediately sighed in relief. He hadn’t realized how hard it had become to breath until just now. The pain in his chest slightly subsided as he clutched the mask, taking as deep of breaths as he possibly could. Hotch was listing his known injuries to the paramedics from behind him. He leaned into the man’s body, comforted by his father-figure’s protective nature. The man had one arm protectively wrapped around his torso and the other around his waist, keeping him from slumping over too much. Reid let his eyes begin to drift closed as they began rolling up his pants leg.
They applied some burn cream to the back of his leg, but luckily it wasn’t too bad. They wrapped it in gauze and said as long as he kept it clean it would heal quickly with minimal scarring. They did find some bits of wood stuck in his ankles from the blast, along with bruising, but nothing too life threatening. The bits of wood were pulled out fairly easily and bandaged up. His arms were bruised as well, but nothing too serious.
His head was checked and, somehow, he managed not to hit his head either time he’d fallen to the ground that night. Lastly, the paramedics pulled up his shirt to check his ribs.
His chest was a mess of bruises from the hard landing. One of the paramedics took out their stethoscope to listen to his breathing. It was regulating fairly fast. Luckily, he hadn’t inhaled all that much smoke.
When they’d finished his checkup, his eyes didn’t feel as heavy. The oxygen mask had definitely helped him. The paramedics suggested he go to the hospital just in case, but seeing that Reid had managed to stay awake, Hotch told them he didn’t need to. They had, however, decided to let him sit with the oxygen a few more minutes.
Reid breathed deeply, his lungs feeling much better after ridding themselves of the smoke. Hotch continued to hold him, unconsciously rocking him back and forth a little. He placed his chin atop Reid’s sweaty hair and the kid involuntarily leaned back against him a little more. Derek had gotten up while they were working on Reid and had gone to help Rebecca, so it was just the two of them sitting there.
“Reid.” Hotch said. Reid opened his mouth to answer but was cut off, “Don’t say anything, just listen. What you did tonight was idiotic. You should have let us know there was a bomb in the room. You could have gotten yourself killed.” Reid’s eyes began to fill with tears from disappointing Hotch, but the man continued. “However, I am extraordinarily proud of you. You managed to save Rebecca without any other casualties. You tried your best with Mr. Garner, but he’d already decided his fate. And I hope you know that we’re not going to look at you different because of what you shared about your mom. I hope you know that you can talk to us about anything, you don’t have to hide yourself from us, you can let us in. But we won’t pressure you to do that. Do you understand?”
Reid nodded, refusing to let the tears fall. Hotch held him a little tighter for a moment, before loosening his grip. The two sat there a while longer, Reid attempting to get hold of his emotions while continuing to use the oxygen mask, Hotch acting as his rock.
When the EMTs did finally come back to reclaim the oxygen mask, Reid felt a thousand times better. Hotch moved out from behind him and helped him stand. His legs were still shaky, but he didn’t feel as weak as before.
Soon the ambulance with Rebecca left, on its way to the hospital, and the three climbed into the SUV, on their way back to Quantico. Reid smiled, staring out the window. He was lucky to have family like this and, overall, the night hadn’t been that bad. Sure, he couldn’t save Mr. Garner, he felt a pang of guilt, but he saved Rebecca.
They made it back to Quantico. Reid was relieved when they were greeted by JJ and Garcia in the bullpen. They informed them that Elle was awake in the hospital and they collectively sighed in relief. He was certain he probably still looked like shit, but he was happy that his team and mother were safe. He glanced up to the round table room where his mom was sitting and smiled.
“I think we’ve all really earned some more time off. Hopefully we won’t be interrupted this time. I’ll see you all next week.” Hotch stated. He patted the kid on the back, nodding towards his mom, “take her back to Vegas, you can take the jet”
Reid turned to look at Hotch, a smile plastered on his face and childlike wonder in his eyes.
“Really?!” Hotch nodded once more, a rare grin appearing as the kid turned to run to the office. The kid deserved some time with his mom, and now, hopefully, their time would be uninterrupted.
A few hours later, Reid was sitting on the jet with his mother. She glanced nervously out the window. She’d always hated flying. He sighed, his eyes softening. He’d felt bad that he’d pulled her from her home so abruptly, but he was so scared she would get hurt. Her knuckles were white, clutching the seat. Reid suddenly had an idea.
He grabbed one of the books out of her bag and flipped open to a random page. He began to read the page aloud, placing his other hand atop hers. She didn’t completely relax, but he could tell she was listening. Smiling, he continued, grateful to have this time with her.

Chapter Text

S2 E4

When they had finally caught the unsub, a collective sigh of relief fell over the team. It had been a long couple of days catching this guy. No one had gotten much of a break, everyone only getting a few hours of sleep each day.
Hotch and Reid had both refused to leave the station. Hotch was too invested in the case, taking each casualty very personally. And Reid argued that if Hotch didn’t need to go get sleep he didn’t either. As much as they tried to argue with the kid, he managed to convince them to let him keep working.
He’d been doing much better during cases recently. Mostly because the team members forced him to eat and sleep, but, regardless, they thought they’d let this one slide.
This led to an extremely caffeinated, shaking Reid who was practically bouncing off the walls. He looked like a small breeze would make him collapse, but nevertheless, he was spouting off random information to JJ on their way back to the car. She smiled nervously, making eye contact with Morgan.
“Help me” she mouthed as Reid continued on his rant without taking a breath. Derek smiled, the kid was gunna hit a wall soon, he was just on a sugar/caffeine/adrenalin high. He approached the two, attempting to stop the kid in his tracks. He grabbed him by the arms, and Reid immediately stopped rambling about whatever he’d been talking to JJ about, but he did not stop speaking.
“which is super interesting because—hey what are you doing Morgan, why are you grabbing me HEY that’s my coffee what the hell I just got the ratio of coffee to sugar just right did you know that the coffee bean is actually a fruit that grows on a bush-” “Kid” “-the berries are red and they usually have two or three fruits that grow per flower but the peaberry which is one of the most expensive types of coffee bean-” “Kid” “-is a mutation in which only one fruit grows making it bigger and more flavorful which is why-” “KID STOP!”
Reid’s mouth shut instantly. He was still buzzing under Derek’s touch. Derek threw his coffee cup in a nearby trashcan and a whine escaped Reid’s mouth.
“How many cups have you had kid?” Reid’s eyes immediately began bouncing around, clearly attempting to calculate the number of cups he’d consumed. When he didn’t answer immediately, Morgan figured that was enough of an answer in itself.
“Too many, okay? No more caffeine for you. You need to get some sleep.”
Reid shook his head, “I’m not tired, plus there’s so much to do. I can get all of my paperwork done on the plane which will allow me more time later to finish the other work I have on my desk and by the time I finish I will be able to go home and get an adequate amount of sleep before coming back to work tomorrow which hopefully we’ll have another case by then and-”
“Woah, woah slow down pretty boy. You don’t have to get everything done tonight, alright? Let’s just get to the jet.”
Reid nodded; mouth clamped shut. They loaded into the car and set off for the jet. Reid’s leg was bouncing up and down and his fingers were unconsciously tapping the door. Derek shared a look with JJ who smiled and rolled her eyes. They were just waiting for the kid to hit the wall.
When they pulled up to the airstrip, he was still humming with energy. However, they could tell it was starting to slow. His blinking was becoming slightly lethargic.
The team loaded onto the plane, Reid plopping down in a chair next to the door. He’d specifically sat there because it was the closest to where the coffee maker was. He figured everyone would fall asleep and hopefully he’d sneak some more coffee. However, Derek seemed to see his plan. He sat at the couch across from the boy, staring at him with a knowing look.
Reid tried to avoid eye contact but eventually couldn’t help but look up. Derek looked at him disapprovingly and Reid sighed.
He slowly started putting the paperwork he’d pulled out of his satchel away. The plane door closed, and it started moving, preparing for take-off. The lights dimmed and most everyone was curling up in their chairs, getting some shut eye. Reid placed his satchel on the ground, turning his head to look out the window.
Derek cleared his throat, causing Reid to turn his head in confusion. He smiled at the kid and patted the couch next to him. Reid rolled his eyes, smiling slightly. He stood, quickly moving to the couch next to his friend.
Derek moved his body so that Reid could curl up against him. He leaned against Derek’s body, already closing his eyes a bit. His body was still shaking slightly, caffeine still running through his veins. Derek wrapped his arms around the kid, bringing him close to his chest. Derek could feel his heart thrumming in his chest, still buzzing.
“Shhhh, relax pretty boy.”
“I can’t” Derek looked down at the kid’s face. His eyes were closed but he was clearly still feeling the effects of all the coffee he’d drank.
“It’s ok kid, calm down, you’re okay.” Reid took a deep breath, attempting to unwind. Derek brought one of his hands up to the kid’s head and begun carding through his hair. Reid immediately leaned into the touch, a sigh escaping him.
Derek gently ran his fingers through his hair, untangling knots carefully. His hair was a lot softer than he would have expected. Reid had let it begin getting longer recently, which caused his hair to start getting a soft curl on the end.
The kid’s head lulled against his shoulder, unconsciously asking for more. Derek continued, raking his fingernails against Reid’s scalp. He immediately whined at the touch and Derek smirked.
Reid began slowly putting more and more of his weight against Derek’s chest, almost curing against the man. His legs were awkwardly bent due to the length of the couch, but he didn’t look uncomfortable.
The shaking in his body was slowly stopping. Each minute he seemed more and more relaxed in his big brother’s arms. Derek’s grip tightened as he slowly became limp, his muscles finally relaxing. He probably would’ve fallen off the couch had he not been there holding him up.
A few minutes passed and Derek realized that the kid’s breathing had evened out. He stopped playing with his hair, pausing to make sure Reid was actually asleep. When he didn’t move a muscle, Derek smiled. Carefully, he maneuvered Reid so that he was actually laying down on the couch. He brought his feet up as well, bending them so that they’d fit on the couch.
Unconsciously, the kid curled in on himself slightly, muttering something unintelligible in his sleep. His hands found their way under his own head and he snuggled into the arm of the couch like it was a pillow. Derek chuckled, grabbing his headphones from his bag.
Gideon walked by them a moment later, walking to the kitchen, probably grabbing some coffee. He gave Spencer’s sleeping form a smile. Gideon paused, reaching into the plane’s small closet and grabbing out a blanket.
He gently draped the blanket over the kid’s body. He and Derek shared an adoring look in regard to the kid before Gideon continued moving to the kitchen.
Derek put his headphones in, turning on his music. He placed a hand on the kid’s ankle, keeping some contact with him. He turned his face towards the window, closing his eyes. He might as well get some shut eye too.

Chapter Text

S2 EP7-8

The last two cases had occurred one after the other. No one got a break when they arrived back from North Mammoth. Not five hours after they landed, the team was called back in to fly to Seattle for the bomb threat. Everyone was feeling the pressure of the case. It wasn’t an easy one either. They were working under tremendous time constraints once more, hoping to catch this bomber before he caused too many casualties.
The bomber had made them run all over town, setting tiny bombs, one after the other, to distract them from the bigger picture.
Then, Morgan had almost gotten blown up with one of the women who was being targeted, and Hotch about had a heart attack having to watch his agent go through that.
The whole BAU team was immensely stressed out, each of them dealing with their own problems of lack of sleep, food, and general care of their own wellbeing.
Perhaps that’s why Reid managed to slip through the cracks.
He was just as stressed as anyone was, but he could physically feel his body starting to shut down. He couldn’t remember the last time something other than coffee passed his lips, and he hadn’t slept in a few days. Before that, the little sleep he was getting was far from adequate and he’d pushed himself to the brink during the first case as well.
When he’d changed his clothing that day, he knew he was probably in some sort of trouble. He had to make a new notch in his belt a few days earlier. However, now that one was too loose too and he used his pocketknife to make a second one.
His clothing hung off of him like he was nothing but a hanger. His cheekbones were always prominent, but now they were incredibly gaunt. His eyes looked exhausted and his hair hung loosely around his face. His clavicles stuck much too far out of his skin and sternum was obvious. He made sure to button his shirt all the way up, layering a sweater vest over his long sleeve shirt to make himself look slightly bulkier.
He knew he should just stop and eat, but Reid never had more than a few seconds to shove something in his mouth and move on. The thought of eating a full meal made him feel ill.
That was his other problem, he didn’t feel hungry at all.
He knew that, logically, it was only because of the way his body processed stress. A few years earlier he spoke to his doctor during a physical who told him that stress was the underlying cause for his underweight body. Not only that, but his metabolism was incredibly fast. This meant that Reid already didn’t feel hunger since he was almost constantly stressed due to his job, and what little food he did remember to ingest was processed too quickly for his body to hold onto.
Reid knew that he should be able to have control over himself better. In fact, recently he’d been doing really well. His teammates would make him pause for five or ten minutes and eat something, like a sandwich or a bag of chips, to make sure he didn’t forget. Sometimes they would take away his coffee until he paused, it was the only way they could get him to take a break, but it worked.
Other times they would physically drag him out of the room and lock him in a room with a couch until he got some sleep. He was slowly starting to come around to leaving with another team member when they headed to the hotel, but this week had thrown a wrench in his plans.
The past week had been too much for all of them, so Reid had forgotten. He’d fallen back into old habits, neglecting sleep and food. And now, sitting on the jet on their way back from the last case, he felt like shit.
He sat in one of the chairs, head leaning against one of the cool windows, attempting to fall asleep. However, Reid’s mind wouldn’t stop running. His hands were shaking in his lap and he couldn’t repress a shiver that continually went up and down his spine.
He really needed something to eat, he decided. Opening his eyes, he noticed JJ sitting across from him. She was digging through her purse, looking for something. His brows furrowed, quietly watching her. She suddenly stopped, having found what she was looking for.
It was almost as if she read his thoughts. She placed a granola bar in front of him, smiling gently.
“Eat, Spence.” He rubbed his eye absentmindedly, attempting to rouse himself slightly and smiled back at her.
“Thanks JJ.” She nodded at him, before standing up to move seats. He watched her walk away. She quickly settled in another chair across from Morgan, who was asleep with headphones in. Reid glanced around the jet, looking for his other coworkers. Gideon was also laying asleep in one of the other chairs. He didn’t see Hotch, he was probably in the bathroom or something. He felt like someone was missing.
A pang of guilt rang in his chest as he remembered Elle. Another tragedy that had been forgotten in the past week. Her sudden leave had shocked them all, but no one had time to process it as they’d had to jump straight back on the jet.
“You gunna eat that or are you just gunna keep reading the ingredients?” Reid was startled out of his thoughts by Hotch, who was standing in the doorway next to him, sipping on a water.
“Yeah… uh yeah sorry.” Reid said, shaking his head in an attempt to clear it.
Hotch took the seat across from him that JJ had previously occupied, a serious look on his face.
“Reid…” He started, sounding unsure of what to say, “you know we need to discuss this, right?”
Reid tilted his head slightly in confusion, “What?”
Hotch scoffed slightly, shaking his head. “Come on Reid, you don’t think I’ve noticed how much weight you’ve lost in the past week? We’re profilers. I might have been distracted most of the week but if you thought you could make two new notches in your belt without us realizing then you have much less faith in us than I would’ve hoped.”
Reid looked down, ashamed.
“I know, I’m sorry…” suddenly it all seemed like too much and he burst into a bout of rambling, “I just get so caught up in the work I forget to eat and I’m too stressed and my metabolism is too fast and then I can’t sleep because my mind is racing trying to come up with an answer and-”
“Spencer, hit the brakes.” Reid immediately clamped his mouth shut, looking at Hotch with wide eyes. “Is it the stress? Is that what you said?”
Reid nodded before answering in a small voice, “my doctor says my metabolism is incredibly fast, and mix that with my stressed brain shutting down its response to hunger and… well… you can see what happens.”
“So you… knew, about this issue? This has happened before?”
“Yes. Um back when I was in college, I was severely malnourished and was rushed to the hospital. I-I was stressed trying to finish my three theses and my m-mom had just been sent to the hospital because… w-well, I’d just turned eighteen…” he paused, wringing his hands awkwardly, looking down in his lap, “I was always on my own in terms of taking care of myself, but I had to take care of my mom too.” Reid looked up with sadness in his eyes, making eye contact with Hotch. “So I ate when she ate, I slept when she slept, but when she wasn’t a part of the equation anymore… I just… forgot. And I landed myself in the ICU.” He shook his head, dropping his eyes once more. “After that, I did pretty well taking care of myself. I was not as stressed during FBI training, more excited for the job than anything. So it wasn’t hard to remember to eat and sleep. But… taking on this job, especially in times like this when we have such a taxing case back to back with another one… it’s hard for me to remember.” Reid finished with a shrug. He glanced up at Hotch who had a look of understanding in his eyes.
Hotch cleared his throat, “Reid, you should’ve told me before. You know the team is more than willing to help you with things like that-”
“but I don’t want to be thought of as a child” Reid interrupted, a sad yet stubborn look on his face. “I-I shouldn’t need help. I am 25 I should be able to take care of myself. I shouldn’t need a bunch of chaperones everywhere I go-”
“Spencer” Hotch said, leaning forward and grabbing the kid’s hands which had been gesturing wildly. “It’s okay to need help.”
Reid swallowed a lump in his throat. He reluctantly nodded, willing himself to believe Hotch’s words. Hotch let go of his hands and sat back against the seat.
“Now please eat your granola bar.”
Reid smiled, letting out a laugh. He picked up the granola bar with a shaking hand. He took a bite, his body immediately praising him for allowing something other than coffee to grace his system.
Regardless of what Reid might have thought, the other members of the team were not oblivious to the conversation which took place on the jet that night. And each of them came up with a way to help Spencer out while on cases.
JJ began carrying granola bars and rice crispy treats with her wherever they went, offering one to Reid whenever she felt like it had been a while since she’d seen him eat.
Since Morgan typically shared a hotel room with Reid when they were on cases, he tried to buy some food to keep in the room, that way when they woke up in the morning the kid would remember to eat breakfast.
Garcia began making him cookies and cupcakes and other sweet treats, which she’d leave on his desk. She began being very creative with them, theming them to some of his favorite things, like Doctor Who and Star Trek, which he absolutely adored.
Gideon decided to stock the kitchen of the jet with snacks, making sure there was plenty of food to eat on the plane.
And Hotch decided he’d keep a watchful eye on him. If he looked like he needed it, he would pull Reid away from the board, taking him to a sandwich shop or diner for a meal and a break.
The team also continued to make sure he was getting enough rest on the case. It was easier to do when they shared hotel rooms, Reid couldn’t sneak away, trying to figure out the case alone, when he was rooming with someone. Conveniently, it seemed like they were sharing hotel rooms more and more frequently on cases, but no one complained.
It wasn’t too long before Reid started looking more like his -still a little too skinny- old self.
Turns out, Reid figured, Hotch was right. It was okay to need help.

Chapter Text

S3 E2&3
PT1
He drove carefully down the dirt road. It was dark out; he could barely see a few feet ahead of him in the darkness of the wood. Turning the corner with care, he finally saw the cabin. It was completely dark, not one light on. Parking the car in front of the cabin, he quickly stepped out, wrapping his coat tightly around himself.
Reid knocked on the door, only to find that it was unlocked. Slightly confused, he opened the door slowly. Trying the light, he learned the power was out. He grabbed the flashlight out of his pocket and began looking around the cabin.
It looked much different than the last time he’d been there. It was a few years back, when he’d first joined the FBI. Gideon had brought him out to the cabin as a way of congratulating him on being accepted into the BAU. The man had known that his only family was his mother, who may or may not understand what an accomplishment this was, and he didn’t have many friends. Still, he wanted to make sure Reid had a small celebration.
Back then, the cabin had personal touches. Small knick-knacks laying around, photos, and lots of artwork of birds.
Now it was empty.
Waving the light around, he continued surveying the cabin. A pit had begun to settle in his stomach. Then, something caught his eye.
A gun and credentials were laying on his table. Reid quickly walked over to it, where he saw the third item. It was an envelope, his name written on the front in Gideon’s handwriting.
He opened it up quickly reading the letter.
“Spencer, I knew it would be you who came to the cabin to check on me. You must be frightened, and I apologize for that. I never meant to cause you any pain…” he continued reading, tears quickly beginning to fill his eyes as he realized what this letter was. It was a goodbye.
“…And that was the last domino. The death of that girl. Hotch being suspended over something that was my fault. I said at the beginning of this letter, that I knew it would be you to come up here. I’m so sorry the explanation couldn’t be better, Spencer. And I am so sorry that it doesn’t make more sense, but I’ve already told you, I just don’t understand any of it anymore. I’m sorry. I guess I’m just looking for it again. For the belief I had back in college. The belief I had when I first met Sarah and it all seemed so right. The belief in happy endings.”
Reid reread the letter four times before any tears began to fall. He just couldn’t believe that this was real. Gideon was like a father to him and, just like with his biological father, he’d left him. Abandoned him.
Logically, Reid knew that correlation did not equal causation, and Gideon wasn’t leaving because of something he’d done. But that didn’t stop the guilt that filled his body. That didn’t stop the pain that filled his chest as he realized Gideon was gone.
Soft sobs began before he could control himself, hugging the paper close to his body he cried alone in the dark. He didn’t try to be silent, knowing no one would hear his sorrow.
He wished he could go back in time, talk to Gideon after the last case. Just like he wished he would’ve done with Elle. Maybe he could’ve stopped them both from leaving.
He knew it wasn’t his fault, but that did not stop him from obsessing over his every interaction with the two of them. Was it something he’d done? Did he unknowingly help push Gideon over the edge with one of his words, with one of his actions?
If he had been faster, if he had figured it out sooner and saved that girl, would Gideon have left? If he’d consoled in him after, like the man had done for him so many times, would Gideon have broken like this?
Reid felt a piece of himself break, sobbing even harder. He brought his legs up onto the chair, curling himself into a ball. His face was wet with tears, but they continued to flow, if not even harder now.
This was what he got when he got close to people, he reminded himself. This was why he had been alone for so much of his life.
When his dad had abandoned him and his mom, the pain was similar. Except, in that situation, he knew it had partially been his fault. His father couldn’t deal with a paranoid schizophrenic as a wife and a freak genius son. His father had wanted a normal family. An apple pie life. He wanted his son to have friends, play baseball, get in trouble, normal kid stuff. Instead he had a twelve-year-old who was graduating high school, doing nothing but attempting to stuff as much knowledge into his brain as possible to compensate for the insecurities he felt in the rest of his life.
Reid sat on the chair for what felt like hours, sobbing into his arms. He clutched the note like it was a lifeline. He cried until he was out of tears, and then he sat, still as a statue, staring at the credentials sitting in front of him.
He delicately opened them up, seeing Gideon’s face staring back at him. A dry sob wracked his throat once more. With shaking hands, he brought the badge to his chest as well, holding the two items near his heart.
It had been a few hours when he pulled himself out of his state of shock and sorrow, light softly filtering in the windows of the cabin. He swallowed, attempting to swallow the perpetual lump in his throat. His head pounded from dehydration, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.
Instead, he slowly stood, whole body shaking, and stumbled over to Gideon’s couch. He collapsed atop the cushions, laying sideways, still holding the two items in his hands.
He must have been in some form of shock. He felt like he sat there, staring blankly at the wall for a few minutes, but suddenly his phone was ringing, and the clock on the wall read 9:47am.
Numbly, Reid sat up, placing the note and badge in his lap. He fished the phone out of his pocket. It looked like he had a lot of notifications. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t heard it ringing before. Dazed, he eventually managed to flip open the phone and answer.
“…hello?” he said, voice quiet and shaking.
“Spence? Spence, where are you? Are you okay? Did something happen? We’ve been trying to contact you for the past hour and a half!” JJ asked frantically.
Reid sat in silence, unable to form a response. He heard more voices coming through the phone, but wasn’t fully comprehending what they were saying, still in a state of shock.
“-arcia can you -ack his -one? Gideon’s cabin?” The last few word’s brought Reid back to reality. He let out a loud sob, dropping his phone to the ground. He heard more frantic shouts, but the signal was already weak, and it dropped the call a few seconds later. Once again Reid found himself curling into a ball, sobbing alone.
When JJ and Morgan arrived at the cabin, they weren’t sure what to expect. With how Reid sounded on the phone, it could’ve been a myriad of things.
Approaching the cabin, they saw Reid’s car, sitting alone outside. They quickly parked and sprinted out of the vehicle, unsure what they’d find inside. Neither had been to Gideon’s cabin before, but it was clear that the man had moved out.
The first thing they noticed when they stepped inside was that it was as empty as a place could get, the total opposite of how Gideon had decorated his office. The second was the sound of crying coming from the living room.
Sprinting in, they were shocked to see a very upset Spencer Reid crying audibly on the couch. When they’d comforted him in the past, he’d always been a very quiet crier, so it was relatively alarming. However, they supposed, he probably hadn’t thought they’d come look for him.
JJ immediately made a b-line for the couch, carefully sitting down next to her best friend. He didn’t move or acknowledge that he was aware that she was there.
She looked up, sadness filling her face as she made eye contact with Morgan. The man’s face also showed sorrow, unsure of what to do with himself. Glancing around, he suddenly noticed the items on the table.
He picked up an empty envelope which had ‘Spencer’ written on it. Then he noticed the gun. It was Gideon’s gun. He held it up for JJ to see and her face switched to a look of realization.
That’s why Reid was so upset.
JJ delicately placed an arm on Reid’s shaking form. He flinched away from her and she immediately removed it. However, suddenly he went quiet, he’d realized he was no longer alone in the room.
Morgan moved around until he was standing in front of the trembling kid. He swiftly knelt down so that he was at eye level. He couldn’t see the kid’s face, his head and arms were tucked behind his legs in the small ball he’d curled into, but he knew he was still crying. His breathing was hitching and his whole body was quaking.
“Spencer, shh hey it’s okay.” Tentatively, he reached out a hand, lightly brushing his leg. The kid didn’t flinch away this time, probably more aware of his surroundings. JJ reached out again, gently placing her hand where she had before and this time he leaned slightly into her touch. She nodded at Morgan, who took a seat on the opposite side of the kid.
Reid felt the couch dip as Morgan sat next to him. He felt ashamed, crying like a child in front of his teammates. He had been so upset that he hadn’t even heard them come in. He didn’t realize they were there until he’d been startled by the small hand that had suddenly appeared on his shoulder.
JJ’s touch was comforting. This time he’d been ready for her touch, trying his hardest not to flinch away. He leaned in, signaling wordlessly that he was okay with the gesture, silently hoping that maybe one of them would wrap him in a tight hug.
He knew he was being childish, but he wanted comfort. He wanted to take advantage of the touch he received from the team before they all decided to leave him, as he was now certain they would.
A large hand began slowly unwrapping his body from the ball he’d curled up into. Delicately, his legs were placed down on the floor and his arms unwrapped from the vice grip he’d had around his torso. Reid refused to look up, or even open his eyes, but he knew his friends were trying to help.
The items he’d been holding were removed by JJ, and he was now being pulled down into a laying position on Morgan’s chest. The man wrapped his large arms around his torso, engulfing him in a tight hug. Reid slowly began burying his face into Morgan’s chest, snaking his lanky arms around his body.
He seemed to be out of tears once again, but he’d fully exhausted himself. Keeping his eyes shut, he shakily tightened his grip on Derek, who quickly returned the gesture. He felt JJ lift his legs onto the couch and stand up. He heard her footsteps retreat into another room. She must be calling the BAU to tell them what had been found at the cabin.
Reid inadvertently let out a whimper, once again overtaken by sorrow as his mind returned to Gideon’s absence. Morgan brought a hand to his head, brushing through his hair with his fingers. “I know kid, I know.”
Reid’s mind was hazy from all the emotion he’d been put through. His body was beginning to shut down, uncertain of how to process so much emotion.
Reid realized he must’ve completely shut down atop Morgan because he was abruptly jostled awake.
He was laying, awkwardly buckled, in the backseat of one of the BAU SUVs. He cracked his eyes open and turned his head towards the front of the vehicle. Morgan was driving, but where was JJ? Maybe driving his car? His brain didn’t have time to process the information before he’d shut himself down once again.
The next time he was awake he became slightly aware that he was in someone’s arms. Was someone carrying him? He tilted his head up, met with the stern expression of Hotch. The man wasn’t looking at him, but rather straight ahead. He didn’t seem to have noticed he’d opened his eyes at all. He decided to take this as a sign and let his consciousness drop off once more.
The third time his eyes opened, they found nothing but darkness. Slowly, his pupils dilated enough to where he realized he was seemingly laying on a couch in someone’s office.
It was late at night, he deduced, seeing as no light was pouring through the window. A blanket had been placed atop him, a pillow under his head. Sluggishly, he managed to sit up. His head pounded from effort and he leaned forwards, burying his aching head in his hands.
After a few moments, when the pounding subsided slightly, Reid peered around the room.
He was in Hotch’s office.
Pushing the blanket off his lap, Reid decided to get up. He stood slowly, using the arm of the couch as a crutch. As soon as he was standing straight, he was assaulted with a wave of dizziness. He had to stay still, clutching the arm of the couch for a bit before he could begin to move once more.
Reid stumbled slightly, clumsily making his way to the door. He opened it quietly, peering into the bullpen. The lights were turned off and no one appeared to be around. Glancing around, he noticed lights in the round table room were on. Through the windows he could see the team gathered, discussing something.
Confused, he turned and walked back into Hotch’s office rubbing his face with his hands. Reid wasn’t sure what they were all doing there so late. He stood there a moment, gathering the courage to go speak to the group. It was the last thing he wanted to do, still feeling incredibly raw from the events that had occurred that morning. Before he could do anything else though, someone else opened the door.
Reid quickly spun around, surprised. Hotch inched into the room, smoothly closing the door behind himself. Reid was sure he must look miserable because Hotch’s face substantially softened the minute they made eye contact.
Without missing a beat, Hotch held out his arms in front of himself, offering the kid a hug. JJ had spoken of how he’d initially flinched away, so he wanted to make sure the kid was okay with being touched before initiating anything.
Reid hesitated a moment, unsure of himself. He lowered his head, not wanting Hotch to see his eyes begin to mist. After a few more moments, he stepped forward, allowing Hotch to engulf him in a hug. He slumped over slightly, making himself seem as small as possibly. Reid placed his head against the man’s chest listening to his heartbeat. It was comforting.
Hotch’s arms tightened around him, one rubbing his back. Reid slowly brought his own arms up, softly returning the hug. They stood like that for a few minutes before Hotch broke it. Reid absentmindedly wiped a few tears that had fallen as Hotch guided the kid over to a chair near his desk.
He flicked on a lamp and silently handed him a water bottle, urging him to drink. Reid didn’t realize how thirsty he’d been until that moment, quickly downing about half the bottle before taking a breath. He put the cap back on, placing it back on the table, before making eye contact with the older man.
Hotch’s eyes were full of concern. Reid immediately broke eye contact, staring down at his lap instead.
“Spencer-”
“don’t” he whispered, “please, don’t”
“Spencer, we need to talk about this, you’re obviously not okay.” Hotch gently urged.
Reid inhaled deeply, his breath catching as anguish began to fill him once more.
Hotch continued, “We don’t have to talk for long. Just for a little bit, okay? I know you’re not going to get over this overnight, none of us are. But we still need you to be able to function here. We can’t lose you to grief, not like we lost you today. You don’t have to shut us out, we want to help you.”
Reid shook his head, fighting off tears. His hand unconsciously went to the crook of his elbow, body craving dilauded to fight off the pain he was feeling. Hotch noticed this and quickly stood, kneeling in front of Reid. He grabbed his hand, pulling it away from his arm and into his own hand instead.
“Spencer, please look at me.” Reid blinked a few times and sniffed. He slowly turned dejected eyes to Hotch. “Please let me help.” Reid stared at him for a few seconds before giving a small nod. Hotch smiled, patting his hands, before standing and moving back to where he’d previously been seated.
Reid sniffed a few times, clearing his throat before starting, voice wavering; “I j-just don’t know w-what I did w-wrong. I should have t-talked to him after that case. I knew h-he was upset, b-but I didn’t think…” he stopped for a moment, attempting to gather himself before continuing, “and now he’s g-gone. It’s like I lost my…” Reid began to shut down again, eyes clouded with painful memories of his biological father leaving. Hotch watched as the kid’s eyes flicked back and forth, recalling events he couldn’t see, before blinking rapidly, returning to the present. Reid swallowed, beginning again, “You know, my… d-dad left when I was twelve. That’s why I’m like this. I don’t like to open up because…” He cut himself off.
The two sat in silence a few moments, Hotch hoping the kid would continue on his own. It seemed he might need a little prompting though.
“because…?”
Reid mumbled something unintelligible. Hotch’s brows furrowed.
“What?”
“everyone leaves me eventually…”
Hotch’s eyes opened with surprise. The kid was radiating guilt and self-loathing, slumping, attempting to shrink himself down as tiny as possibly in the chair across from him.
“Reid.” Hotch began. He waited until his eyes lifted to meet his before continuing. “I know your father left, and we lost Elle recently and now, well this. And I know it’s hard. But sometimes this job becomes too much. I can tell you with certainty that both Elle and Gideon would have left regardless of your actions, it is not your fault. You did nothing wrong.”
Reid looked unsure of himself, but Hotch continued on, “I cannot speak for your father’s actions, but I do know this. Gideon left you a note because he cares. He broke, he couldn’t do this job anymore, he couldn’t even find it in himself to tell us in person. But he wrote YOU a note. He knew about your dad, he knew about the guilt you felt with Elle, and he wrote you that note to tell you that it wasn’t your fault.”
Reid nodded at Hotch’s words. He knew that the man was right, but it didn’t make the pain lessen.
“You’re strong, probably the strongest person I know, and we’ll get through this together, okay? You don’t need to go through this alone. We need you to be okay, not just for the sake of the team, but because we care about you.” He paused, smiling at the kid, “We’re family, and family takes care of one another.”
Reid grinned at this, chuckling slightly.
“Okay.”

Chapter Text

PT2
It had been a hard few days for everyone. The whole team was mourning the loss of Gideon. Luckily, it had been relatively quiet. They’d all gotten two full, uninterrupted days off, which was almost unheard of. Then, when they’d been in the office the following two days, there were no active cases to be called on, so everyone was able to catch up on paperwork and get home at a decent hour.
Hotch, not wanting the kid to be alone, had asked Reid to stay with him for a few days, just so he could keep an eye on him. He didn’t want to be alone either, he told Reid when he’d argued that he didn’t want to be a burden. That seemed to be the one positive coming from Haley and Jack staying at her sister’s house, otherwise he knew he wouldn’t have been able to convince the kid.
But, it seemed, all good things must come to an end, because the fourth night, Hotch got a text from JJ saying that they’d gotten a case and they’d be heading off in the morning.
Reid had appreciated Hotch’s hospitality over the last few days. He had to admit, it was nice not going home to his empty apartment. He didn’t like being such a burden on Hotch, but the man had insisted that he wanted Reid to be with him, so he’d eventually given in.
The man had a very comfy guest bedroom and made amazing coffee, so he couldn’t complain. He had also been there for him when he’d experienced a few nightmares. Reid had apologized over and over for waking him up but Hotch didn’t care, making him tea and asking him to talk to him about the dreams.
Overall, he was doing much better than he had been a few days before. He was still fairly depressed, but his brain was no longer attempting to actively shut his body down each time he thought about Gideon, so that was better than before.
He felt a bit better too. He’d finally managed to rehydrate and eat, Hotch had attempted to teach him how to make pasta, but he ended up almost catching the kitchen on fire.
When they lazily meandered into work that fourth day, Reid immediately spotted the workers in Gideon’s office. They were removing all of his things, he realized, a pang of melancholy reaching his heart.
Quickly he moved to sit at his desk. He had finished all his paperwork two days ago and was now left with nothing to do. Normally he’d pull out a book or cold case to read, but his mind wandered to something else.
Reaching into his satchel, he unzipped a small pocket in the side, pulling out the note that Gideon had left him. He had it memorized, of course, with his eidetic memory and all. Yet, for some reason he felt like he needed to keep it with him. Just like he still carried the photo Gideon had given him months ago.
Prentiss walked over to his desk, standing behind him and Morgan made his way over as well, leaning against his own desk, arm propped on the barrier that separated the two.
“Hey pretty boy,” Derek said, setting a coffee down on Reid’s desk. Reid looked up and gave a small smile.
“Thanks.” He looked back down at the note, studying it once more. He could feel their eyes, but he just didn’t have anything to say.
Garcia spoke up suddenly, she must have been in Gideon’s office. “Gideon left everything, except the photographs.”
He glanced up at Garcia quickly before speaking “he always said those were like his family.” There was a pause as the other’s processed his words. He chewed his lip, continually scanning the note.
“What should we do with all this?” no one answered.
JJ popped by, asking that they all meet in the round table room. Morgan and Prentiss nodded, moving swiftly towards the room but Reid hesitated. He carefully folded up the note, placing it back in the small pocket in his satchel, before standing. He grabbed his coffee, taking a sip, before walking up towards the room.
He took a seat quietly, continuing to sip on his coffee.
Soon they were all gathered, JJ beginning to speak about the case. However, he looked up from the file when Hotch interrupted.
“I know that we’ve all been wondering what this was all about, and uh… you know I’ve known Jason for many years, and I can tell you, I have no idea.” Hotch looked poignantly at Reid as he spoke, as if the speech was specifically for him. Reid’s eyes fell, staring at the table instead of Hotch, but he still felt the man’s eyes on him. “But it doesn’t even matter. What matters is we’re here, and were gunna continue.” Hotch paused, eyes scanning over everyone in the room. Reid was the only one with a distraught look on his face but, then again, he was most certainly the most effected by the whole thing.
Reid began to zone out slightly during Hotch’s description of their newest case. He’d already read the file thanks to his incredibly quick reading ability, and his mind started wandering. He snapped out of it after Derek made a comment.
“Well the torture is clearly sadistic.”
“The lack of sexual preference could make it hard to tell if the unsub is male or female.” He tacked on.
“Typically, female serial killers stick to the same M.O. It looks like this guy's all over the place.”
“Most recent victim is Jenny Wittman. Asphyxiated. Discovered yesterday.”
Reid looked up from the file. He inquired, “How long was she missing?”
“She was never reported missing.” Everyone paused at this. Reid’s brows scrunched together in confusion.
“What about the others?” He asked, looking at the screen.
Hotch’s face was impassive, “Only one.”
“One of four?” Reid repeated, thoroughly confused.
JJ spoke up; “Rick Holland was reported missing 9 months ago, but the search was called off.”
“Family discovered his car at the train station. But more importantly, they received e-mails from him saying that he needed time to figure things out.”
Derek scoffed from beside Reid, “And his family bought that?”
“Well, I guess the alternative was too hard to accept.”
Reid cleared his throat, speaking up once more, “Reaching out could be a sign of remorse.”
Hotch replied quickly, “Psychopaths don't apologize for their behavior. This guy's covering his tracks.”
“Well, it's working.” Derek stated.
Prentiss stood suddenly, walking towards the board, “So... 3 victims he buried in one grave and then only Jenny Wittman in the other.”
“You thinking it's a pattern?”
“Uh, it's hard to tell.”
“If there is, it's one down... 2 to go.”
The team boarded the jet quickly, needing to make their way to Portland as quickly as possible. Reid kept quiet on the way over, spending time thinking instead.
It felt wrong to be going on a case without Gideon. He busied himself on the jet, taking far too long to make coffee so that no one would approach him. Eventually they settled to talk more about the case, Reid attempting to add quips every now and again to keep up appearances, but his head wasn’t fully in it.
When they arrived at the police station Reid trailed behind the team. He knew he was probably being too quiet and that someone probably noticed by now, but he just didn’t seem to have much to say. It was not often that he found himself at a loss for words but the past few days he certainly was.
JJ greeted the police captain, exchanging pleasantries. Reid found himself zoning out, slightly dissociating. Hotch was talking about going to the girl’s apartment. When he turned around, he must have noticed the faraway look in Reid’s eyes.
“I could use some extra hands.” He stated, looking poignantly at Reid. Derek nodded, volunteering to come with them as well. Clearly the two wanted to keep an eye on him. He followed after silently, knowing better than to argue even though part of him wanted to stay behind so he could make a geographical profile alone.
He tried thinking back to Hotch’s words, that he didn’t have to go through this alone. He shook his head slightly at himself, it was just so hard to ask for help. Especially when it seemed like the rest of the team was moving on, leaving him in the dust.
They went to the girl’s apartment and, other than almost having a heart attack in the elevator, it was relatively uneventful.
When they arrived back at the station Reid threw himself into victimology and geographical profiling.
A few hours had passed without him realizing. He was leaning against the desk, staring at the board attempting to make connections using the information. A hand landed on his shoulder, causing him to jump.
“Shit!”
“Woah Reid, you’re okay.” Hotch stated, worry in his eyes.
Reid’s heart was pounding in his chest from surprise, but he took a shaky breath and chuckled. “Sorry, you just scared me.”
Hotch’s brows furrowed, confused at this, “Reid I called your name five different times,” Reid’s eyes widened slightly, haven been so enthralled by the case he hadn’t heard, “I think it’s time for a break.” He placed a hand on the small of Reid’s back and began guiding him away from the board.
“No, wait, I’m okay, I was just starting to get somewhere-”
“Spencer, you’re taking a break, that’s an order.”
Reid swallowed, nodding in reluctant compliance, “Yes, sir.”
Hotch guided the kid to the car, deciding that they’d go get some lunch for the team. He began driving down the street, stopping at the nearest cafe.
Reid stepped out of the car, smirking at the very hipster Portland coffee shop the man had chosen. It was probably not the man’s first choice, but he’d just driven them to the nearest place.
Walking inside, Reid body immediately began buzzing in excitement at the smell of high-quality coffee. Hotch noticed, smiling, and nodded towards a table, urging the kid to take a seat.
He bolted to the table, elation radiating off of him. Hotch hadn’t seen the kid smile that big in a while, not since before the Hankel ordeal, and it was a nice change of pace. He placed an order, getting them each a sandwich and a large coffee, asking them to put extra sugar in Reid’s. He knew it was probably not the best idea, but right now he was just trying to cheer the kid up.
“Excited?” Hotch asked, a playful glint in his eye.
Reid practically squealed in reply, body fidgeting in anticipation. It wasn’t more than a minute when their drinks were brought to them. He immediately snatched the coffee, taking a large gulp. He sat, content for a moment, reveling in the tastiness that was coffee this artisanal coffee. When he opened his eyes, Hotch was clearly holding in laughter.
“Sorry, I just… you know how I feel about coffee” He stated, chuckling. Hotch let out a rare laugh at this, shaking his head.
“Yes, I do.” He met Reid’s eyes, “It’s nice to see you smile Reid, I know it’s been a difficult couple of months and an especially hard couple of days.” Reid’s smile dropped a little, but not completely as he nodded in agreement.
The sandwiches came a few minutes later and the two fell into a comfortable silence, both reading bits of a local newspaper that had been left on the table. Reid got halfway through his sandwich before he began picking at it rather than eating it. Hotch gave him a hard stare, but Reid just pushed the plate away slightly, signaling that he was done.
Hotch sighed, “If you finish that I’ll buy you another coffee on the way out.”
Reid’s eyes immediately lit up as he practically shoved the sandwich down his throat. Hotch was slightly taken aback but wasn’t very surprised that his statement has worked.
He smiled with his mouth closed, still chewing his sandwich as Hotch stood to order him another coffee and some sandwiches to take back to the team.
When they arrived back at the station, Reid was in a much better mood. He was still clearly depressed, but his movements were lighter, the break had clearly done him some good.
They gave a profile to the police, JJ announcing it to the city and setting up a tip line. A few hours later Prentiss and Morgan headed off to a new crime scene and, somberly they placed the photo of their new victim on the board.
The two called from the scene, speaking to JJ, Hotch, and Reid who were still at the station. Hotch stood, approaching the board with the new information.
“Fire, hanging, asphyxiation, and now we’ve got a drowning.”
Something clicked for Reid. The MOs varied but suddenly it made sense. The signature of fear was still present. “I think it’s someone who’s afraid of drowning,” he voiced his thoughts aloud.
“What do you mean?”
“Yeah, y-yeah, it hit me when Morgan freaked out when we were stuck in the elevator-”
“You got stuck in an elevator?”
“I freaked?”
“Well, that’s not important,” he continued, “here’s what is. If you look at the MOs of the victims, what do they all have in common? They could all be classified as anxiety disorders. I-it’s right out of the Diagnostics and Statistical Manual. It lists 5 subtypes of phobias.”
“Most of these are environmental and situational.” Hotch stated, staring at Reid with his arms crossed, an understanding look on his face.
“Exactly.”
“So it’s all about fear.” Hotch concluded, looking at the door with a new perspective. “These people are being killed by their fears…” he trailed off, nodding to himself. “Reid, I want you to go meet up with Prentiss and Morgan, look around the city, check out places that the victims would have visited and see if there are any flyers for a psychologist tackling fears.”
Reid nodded, immediately gathering up his stuff before sprinting out of the precinct.
It wasn’t long before he met up with Prentiss. Morgan had gone to check out a gym while the two of them were heading to the laundromat.
“So Hotch is even more intense now that Gideon’s gone.” Prentiss stated suddenly. Reid was caught off guard slightly but recovered with ease. He had been more serious, and he’d also been a lot more protective of Reid.
“Psh yeah, I’ve noticed.”
“Do you think that’s going to change?” Prentiss turned to him, stopping in the sidewalk. He slowed, turning to face her.
He carefully considered his answer before replying, “I certainly think we’ll find out.”
“What about you?” she questioned, genuine concern in her eyes, “You okay?”
Reid felt a pang of guilt in his chest and he clenched his jaw. “Oh I’m… I’m great.” He stated unconvincingly, plastering a small smile on his face. He looked her in the eye a few seconds before dropping his gaze.
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
His brows furrowed, voice slightly catching in his throat, “What’s there to talk about, really?”
“Gideon.” Prentiss stated obviously.
“Oh, no, he uh—” he paused, nodding, searching for the right words, “he left a letter explaining everything. Just like my dad did when he abandoned me and my mom.” He said, attempting to put some humor in the situation but his voice wavered and betrayed him.
Prentiss’s eyes held sympathy for him. She took a breath and spoke; “he addressed it to you.”
“Yeah, yeah.” He stared at the ground, chewing his lip. “You know, Gideon stood toe to toe with some of the sickest people on this planet,” he paused, willing his voice to stop wavering, “I think that took a lot of courage, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So, why’d he do this?” he asked, dropping his head, voice breaking. He pulled the note out and stared at it once more. A pit of sadness formed in his gut again. “It’s addressed to me, but I’m-I’m not…. I’m not the only one that he abandoned” Reid finished sadly, holding out the letter for Prentiss to take.
She seemed to search for words for a moment. “But why is it addressed to you?” His face scrunched in confusion at the question she posed. “I think you need to read that letter again.”
“I have an eidetic memory, Emily.”
“ah yeah, I know, and an IQ of 187 but what do you remember about your father?”
Reid shook his head, “what do you mean?”
“Well, he gave you ten years before he left, and yet you’ve erased all those memories. And—it’s too painful. I get it. But then Gideon leaves. I think you need to read that letter again, and ask yourself why, of all the people he walked away from, did he only explain himself to one person… you.”
She stood for a moment, before making a move to continue walking. Reid let himself trail behind her, swallowing the lump in his throat. He was at a loss for words, unsure of what to say to that. Maybe she was right. Hotch had mentioned that nights ago in his office, but he wasn’t sure if he believed him.
However, maybe he did need to look at the letter again.

Chapter Text

PT3
The three agents had begun piecing it together when they found the flyer. Garcia had been able to find out information on the unsub’s business. It was clearly fake, but she was able to find a name and address.
When Prentiss and Morgan had gone back to the dumb sight, they’d found eight more bodies buried in the area. The unsub had killed a lot more people than they’d originally thought.
The team was gathered in the precinct, going through files about all the new victims they’d discovered, discussing the new information. Reid stood at one of the boards, rereading information, searching for more clues.
“Look at this, guys,” he began, circling wording that was in the unsub’s flyer, “he calls them phobias instead of anxiety disorders.”
Prentiss scoffed, “Yeah, this guy's either an amateur or he studied psychology in the eighties.”
“His phrasing of the questions are clinical. This guy's a professional.” Derek stated.
Hotch added on, “well, he's able to pick the perfect victims. ‘Are you close to your family? Easy making friends?’ Just answer yes and you're spared the torture.”
“We figured out how he chooses his victims, but how does that get us his real name?” the police captain asked.
Hotch nodded, “alright, let's review. JJ, can you get Garcia?”
“I think the guy's a real psychiatrist.”
“Also afraid of being alone, so he's most likely married.”
Reid cleared his throat, speaking up, “May have adopted children.”
“Why?”
“Uh because the tortures lack a sexual component.”
“Oh, right. He might be impotent.” The police chief said, connecting the dots.
“Hey, guys.” Garcia greeted through the speaker.
Reid continued, “also, he's desperate for a sense of community. He'd definitely have kids.”
Garcia quickly began typing, “Ok, I'm crossing Portland doctors with adoptions…”
The team continued giving Garcia more and more information until she could properly narrow down her list of potential unsubs. Finally, she got a name.
Stanley Howard. A psychiatrist who was married with an adopted daughter. His practice had been closed for a year and he was going into debt quickly. This man had to be their unsub, he fit the profile perfectly. Garcia managed to get a few addresses, his house and previous practice’s building. Hotch split them up, having some of them go to the old building and some go to his house.
Morgan threw a vest at Reid as they were loading in the SUV. He caught it and began putting it on as Hotch started the car. He tightened the straps as far as they could around his lean body. When they arrived at the scene, they were shocked to find it empty. As in, there was no building.
“This is 427 Ceders Avenue, where’s the office?” Reid asked, walking into the empty lot.
Confused, Hotch quickly called Prentiss.
“Hey Prentiss, were at the office, the building’s gone.”
Reid saw the look on Hotch’s face and turned around, heading back for the SUV. The man must be at some other building, pretending it was his office.
Prentiss called back, alerting them of a building downtown that the unsub’s wife owned. Quickly, Hotch turned the car around, heading towards the address.
When they arrived, the four men sprinted inside. They went up to the level which the man’s office had been listed on. The room was cleared rapidly, the unsub had to still be in the building though.
Hotch ordered Reid to go with the police chief, taking the west side of the building. The two hastily took off down the hallway. They worked together, clearing rooms on each floor. A few minutes later he heard Morgan through his earpiece.
“Reid, its Morgan, we got Howard. Call the fire department, he’s going to the roof.” Reid complied, quickly dialing 911 and reciting the address to them as he and the other man made their way downstairs so they could head outside.
“Wait, I’m gunna check the rest of the building for the victim.” Reid stated, running back the other way. He ran as fast as he could, checking the rest of the rooms, she had to be there somewhere. Adrenalin shot through him, they had to save her.
He reached the man’s office once more, rapidly scanning all the documents he had on his desk. He picked up journals, reading as quickly as possible. Finally, Reid came across the woman they were looking for.
Grabbing the journal, he turned, sprinting out the door, heart pumping fast. He dashed down the stairs, heading for the first floor. Finally, he bust outside to see the rest of the group standing around the body of the doctor.
Reid was taken aback by the body. Attempting to catch his breath, he stopped for a moment before speaking.
“I went through all of his journals and I found Missy’s.”
“What did it say?”
“That she was going on a cave diving trip. Uh-she wasn’t scared of the water, but she was terrified of the walls crumbling down on her?”
“So what’s she afraid of?”
“Being buried alive.” Reid stated, still trying to catch his breath.
Hotch knelt down, examining the doctor’s body. “Guys, look at the dirt under his nails.”
Morgan leaned down to see what Hotch had been pointing out, “She’s gotta be close guys.”
“Is there a basement in this building?” Hotch asked.
“Yes.”
Quickly, the four men went back inside, heading for the basement. They ran down the hallways, looking for any sign of life. Hotch spotted a pile of dirt and called them over. He handed Reid the flashlight to hold as he and Morgan began digging out the woman’s body from the dirt.
They pulled her out as gently as possible. She wasn’t breathing at first, but luckily it didn’t take long before she began to start again.
Reid let out a sigh of relief, running a hand through his hair. It wasn’t long before the paramedics were on scene, taking care of Missy. She would make a full recovery, they made it in time. It felt good to have a successful case, even without Gideon there. Reid watched as they carted the girl away on the gurney, a small smile on his face. Maybe they would be alright.
The team met back up on the plane, everyone piling in, hoping to get some rest. Reid claimed the couch, stretching out. He was tired, but his mind didn’t want to shut down. However, he did not want to talk to anyone, so he feigned sleep, letting his mind wander.
He thought back to the letter and what Emily had said. Why had Gideon only left a note addressed to him? Why did he leave his gun and credentials to him? Why did he only say goodbye and apologize to him?
Reid knew the answer, but he didn’t want to admit it. He knew that he reminded Gideon of his son. The son he didn’t have much of a relationship with. The son who was the same age as him and who looked fairly similar to him. That, he supposed, was probably why Gideon had been interested in him in the first place. And that’s why he’d been interested in Gideon. He had approached him after a lecture Reid had attended, not because he knew who he was and knew of his IQ, but because he was just interested in him.
Reid had never had that before.
He tended to blend into the background. No one payed him much attention. He was average looking, had weird hair and dressed blandly, and he was very socially awkward. He wasn’t one to initiate conversations as he’d been told that he was annoying and talked too much. However, until he opened his mouth, no one gave him a second look, because his brain was the interesting part about him.
He clenched his jaw, falling into a pit of self-loathing. It was hard, growing up with no sort of praise. Reid guessed that’s why he gave 110% to everything he did. He craved the approval that he couldn’t receive from an absent father and a mentally ill mother.
He gravitated towards men like Gideon because they could fill the hole that his father had left in his heart when he’d abandoned him.
He remembered the words Gideon had written for him. They were incredibly apologetic and regretful. He hadn’t wanted to write the note, he never thought he would. Yet, he did. Reid knew that Gideon was having a hard time, that much was obvious, but he still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that he hadn’t had the courage to say goodbye to him in person.
He felt like he had deserved that much.
With as much shit as he’d gone through in the past six months, through the torture and the drugs and the withdrawal, he deserved a real goodbye.
Or maybe he didn’t. Maybe that was asking too much. Maybe he didn’t deserve it as much as he thought he did. Maybe it was because he had been weak, coming to work high and shooting up in the bathrooms, snapping at people because of the cravings from withdrawal, maybe it was because of that, he didn’t deserve Gideon’s goodbye. Maybe he didn’t deserve the note at all.
He felt a tear leak from his eye and he hastily turned onto his side, facing the couch. Reid didn’t need any more sympathy from the team. They’d somehow seen him breakdown this week, something he usually only did in private.
They’d seen him as weak.
His heart started pounding rapidly, did they know? Did they know how truly weak he felt? Did they understand how he felt like he was being held together with tape and that he could fall apart with a light breeze? Did they know he contemplated buying dilauded, filling the needle with too much and letting the drugs kill him?
He needed to be more careful, Reid decided. Things needed to go back to how they were before. He could trust them as coworkers, but he needed to slowly push them out of his life again. If he got too close, he’d be disappointed, he was certain. Because regardless of what Hotch had said, if there was one thing Spencer Reid knew was consistent in his life, it was that people always left.
Reid was being shook awake. The jet had landed. He silently sat up, gathering his things. He let the rest of the team get off before him, taking his time in loading up his satchel. Once everyone had deplaned, he let out a sigh, burying his face in his hands.
He controlled his breathing, not wanting to have a full breakdown on the plane. He collected himself quickly, standing to exit.
He was trailing quite a bit behind the team. No one had noticed thankfully, and he picked up the pace, catching up to the group. They loaded into the cars, heading for the office.
Everyone seemed to be a bit lighter, happy that they’d had a successful case. Even Hotch looked slightly happy, which was not a common sight. When they got to the office, there was talk about getting drinks, but Reid tuned out.
He was going to grab his stuff from his desk, catch the metro home, and probably cry in the shower for an hour before passing out from exhaustion. That sounded like a good enough plan to him.
Reid hurried to his desk, hoping to slip out before any invites were thrown his way, though he doubted anyone really wanted him there anyways. He knew he wasn’t very good company. The rest of the group was taking their time, meandering in, so by the time they made it to their desks Reid was already beginning to hurry off. He almost successfully made it out, but then-
“Pretty boy!”
Fuck. Reid stopped in his tracks, slowly turning around. The whole group was staring at him, slight confusion on their faces.
“Aren’t you coming out with us? We’re gunna go celebrate a little” Prentiss said, smiling enticingly.
Reid gave a small smile, “Sorry uh, I gotta get h-home, uh and I don’t wanna miss the m-metro,” he began moving towards the door, hoping if he got out before anyone else could speak, they wouldn’t try and convince him otherwise. “Have fun, I’ll see you guys tomorrow, bye!” he slipped out the door, deciding to take the stairs rather than chance the elevator, still slightly scarred by his last elevator ride.
He missed the looks of concern that the team members exchanged.
He hurried down, exiting the building swiftly. Reid practically sprinted to the metro, knowing he was about to completely break down.
The station was pretty empty as it was very late at night. He caught both trains fairly easily and made it to his apartment building in record time.
Reid took the stairs two at a time, racing to his apartment. He hadn’t been back here in quite a while, having stayed with Hotch after the whole Gideon fiasco, and then they’d been to Portland. Opening the door, he slipped inside, locking his door behind him.
He let out a breath which almost immediately became a sob as his emotions overcame him. He slid down the door onto the floor, tears leaking out of his eyes at a rapid rate.
It was all too much.
Reid sat, crying, for a few minutes, before dragging himself to the couch. He curled up, grabbing Gideon’s note out of the satchel to hold. He knew the team wanted to be there for him, but he felt so alone. His other hand went to the crook of his arm, scratching involuntarily.
There was a knock at the door a little while later and he instantly froze. He wiped the tears off his face and glanced at the clock. It was way too late for visitors. Another knock sounded and he grabbed his gun. Slowly, Reid stood, walking quietly towards the door, keeping his gun pointed towards the floor.
A third knock sounded, this time a voice accompanied it.
“Spencer it’s me, I know you’re in there.” Emily’s muffled voice said. Reid sighed, placing his gun on the counter.
“Em now’s not a good time” his voice wavered and cracked slightly.
“Come on Reid, let me in, I can tell you’re miserable from out here.”
“Em… please just leave”
Prentiss’s voice hardened, “Reid I will pull a Morgan and break down this door if you don’t open it for me.”
Reid sighed, dejected. He carefully undid the locks and pulled open the door. Emily’s face was full of guilt and she immediately pulled him into a hug. Reid didn’t move at first, but slowly melted into her arms, carefully snaking his arms around her, returning the gesture. He knew he must look like shit, eyes puffy and red from crying.
After a few moments she let go, stepping inside and closing his door.
He cleared his throat, “I thought you were going out?”
“I was, but I told them to go ahead without me. You looked like you could use a friend.”
He cringed, “was I that obvious?” Reid asked, eyes dropping to the floor in shame. He couldn’t even hide his emotions right anymore, what was wrong with him?
“Hey, hey, hey look at me, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have pushed you about the letter in the middle of the case” she brought a hand up to his face, caressing his cheek sympathetically, “I know it threw you off and I’m sorry. You had been doing so much better and I messed it up, that’s on me. Don’t go shutting us out again Spencer.”
He nodded into her hand, “sorry” he whispered. She pulled him into another hug which he immediately leaned into this time. He planted his head into her shoulder, looking at the ground as she held him softly. They stayed like that, standing in a hug, for a while, her comforting him as he held onto her for dear life.
When they eventually separated, she held onto his hands for a moment, smiling at him reassuringly. He gave a small smile, keeping his head down. She glanced down, noticing scratch marks on his arm near old track marks. She reached out, gently grazing them. Reid’s face instantly became a dark shade of pink with shame. He knew that he’d developed a habit to scratch at his old track marks when he was distressed, but he didn’t even realize he’d been doing it tonight.
Luckily, it didn’t look like he’d broken any skin. Emily looked back up at Reid, noticing the look on his face. “Reid, it’s not your fault, I just don’t want you to hurt yourself.” He nodded quickly at her comment. Reid then let out a yawn that he couldn’t hold back. He rubbed his eyes and she smiled.
They were both tired, that much was clear. Emily ordered him to go change into some pjs. He thought about arguing but decided he didn’t have the energy.
When he emerged from the bedroom, she had changed into pajamas as well. He tilted his head in confusion at this, to which she replied; “Slumber party!”
He laughed, thankful that she was with him. He offered her the bed and she accepted, on the grounds that he was there too. “I wanna be the big spoon!” She declared, knowing that cuddling him would probably help him calm down and actually be able to get some decent sleep. Emily was also aware of his nightmares and knew that she’d be more help to him if she was there to wake him up.
She’d been so worried about him during the whole endeavor. In the short time she’d known him, the kid had been to hell and back. He had finally gotten clean and was getting back to the kindhearted kid that she had briefly met when she initially joined the team. He quickly had become the little brother she never had. When the whole thing with Gideon had happened, she wanted to make sure and do everything she could to make sure he didn’t fall back into that dark place again.
Prentiss was glad he’d been staying with Hotch, and when they were in Portland, she knew he was sharing a room with Morgan. But when they’d gotten back to Quantico and he’d run off alone, clearly depressed and unstable, she knew it was a silent cry for help.
That’s why she’d volunteered to go. The whole team had begun arguing over who was going to go check on him, but she wouldn’t let anyone else convince her otherwise. She didn’t want him to be alone that night, she needed to be there. She didn’t want him to throw away all the hard work he’d put in to get his life back in order because Gideon had abandoned them.
Reid got into bed and Prentiss followed. He quickly rolled over on his side, curling into a ball under the pile of blankets. She couldn’t believe how tiny he could make himself with how tall the kid was. He managed to look even more like a child laying like that.
She scooched next to him, wrapping an arm around his torso, leaning into his back affectionately. Prentiss began running her hands through his hair, something she’d seen both Morgan and Hotch do before. It was incredible that such a small gesture would make him practically melt in their touch.
Reid sighed when Emily began playing with his hair, his exhaustion beginning to seep through his body. His eyes began to droop. Reid relaxed into her hold, deciding that he’d allow himself to be vulnerable. That perhaps the paranoid thoughts he’d had on the plane had been wrong. That his team was telling the truth. Why else would Emily had decided to come comfort him rather than party with the rest of the team?
He smiled, his eyes closing completely now, beginning to quickly drift off to sleep. Gideon might be gone, but he’d be okay without him. He had to. He had to for his team, because with people like these on his side, Reid had no excuse but to try.

Chapter Text

S3 E7&8-ish

PT1
Reid had been incredibly excited to meet David Rossi. The man was a legend. He’d read all of his books multiple times and knew a ton about him, seeing as he was one of the people who’d started the BAU. Gideon had told him many stories about Rossi, and he sounded like a fun person.
However, Reid became weary of the man once he actually met him. He wasn’t as approachable as Gideon had made him seem. Or maybe it was just with Reid. The man seemed uncomfortable around everyone at first but warmed up to the team quickly. However, he tended to avoid Reid, sending him judgmental looks and questioning him at every turn.
He supposed maybe it was because of his age, he was the youngest of the team by quite a bit. Rossi seemed disturbed when Reid quoted his books or spewed facts about the man. Really, he seemed uncomfortable anytime Reid spoke.
When Hotch had suggested Reid pair off with Rossi on their latest case, he wasn’t sure how to feel. He knew the man had probably done it on purpose, easily reading the hurt on Reid’s face every time the older man shot down one of his ideas or gave him a disapproving look.
The two had loaded into the car, in an awkward silence. So, Reid did what he always did during an awkward silence, he tried to fill the space.
He began asking questions about Rossi’s books, which the man answered begrudgingly. When the man’s answers became truncated, Reid decided he’d just ramble to fill the silence. He began speaking at a fast pace, speaking about the parts of the book that had interested him, some of the stories Gideon had shared, and even why he wanted to become an FBI agent.
It was about fifteen minutes into his ramble when things went to shit.
“Would you just shut up for five minutes? God, kid, it’s a wonder anyone can get a word in around you, you never shut up! You don’t have to prove how smart you are all the time, we get it! Now be quiet!” Rossi shouted, interrupting his ramble. His hands had tightened around the steering wheel in frustration and his eyes blazed with anger.
Reid shrank back into the passenger seat, embarrassed. He let his eyes drop to his lap, clenching his jaw. “Sorry” he whispered, wringing his palms.
“Thank you.” Rossi stated harshly, turning on the radio and cranking the volume.
Reid turned to look out the window at the bland Montana landscape. His mind wandered, thinking of Rossi’s words. He remembered the conversation he’d been having with Morgan earlier that morning. It had been mostly one sided, himself speaking about various Star Wars theories. Morgan had gotten up and left in the middle of his sentence, clearly bored with what he was saying. His brows furrowed as he remembered back to other times that had happened. Reid was able to recall every member of the team doing that at one point, getting annoyed with his incessant rambling and making some excuse to leave. Sure, not all of them had been as rude as Rossi, but maybe the man had a point.
He did talk too much. That much he knew.
Reid had been told that in grade school, by every teacher he had. He never really made any friends, but he’d attempt to befriend teachers, and eventually they all said the same. He knew his dad had felt this way, he’d told him to shut up all the time.
But when he’d got to the FBI, it felt like things were different. He’d thought that people actually cared what he had to say. That’s why they’d hired him, wasn’t it? Because he could spew facts like a computer?
Reid’s hand wandered unconsciously to the crook of his elbow, itching at his old scars. Maybe that’s all he was, just a helpful tool in the field. He bit at his lip, causing it to begin bleeding slightly. Reid made a silent promise to himself.
From now on he’d only speak when he was spoken to. That why no one could get annoyed at him for talking. This would be better for everyone, he decided. As much as he loved to ramble random facts, he was sure his team would appreciate his silence. He’d be less of an annoyance this way.
The rest of his time with Rossi was better now that he’d figured out the problem. His plan had worked incredibly well. He’d only spoken when it was absolutely necessary. He managed to bite his tongue when the civilian had called him a “pipe cleaner with eyes” and said he could “snap him like a twig.”
I mean, to be fair, the man wasn’t wrong. He was awkwardly skinny and weak to be in the FBI, but usually he would’ve come up with some retort. Instead, he took the blow, and it seemed like their investigation went better because of it.
‘Rossi was right’ Reid thought to himself, ‘people will like me better this way.’
On the way back to the station, he didn’t make a sound, staring out the window at the horizon, thinking about the case instead. This was another good thing, Reid decided, less random rambling meant he could be a better use to the team.
Reid continued on like this the rest of the case, and it seemed to work. They were able to catch the guy and figure out his plans fairly quickly.
‘Maybe I’ve been slowing us down the whole time, distracting the team like that. I had no idea… I’ll do better from now on.’ Reid promised himself. Another thing clicked in his mind, all the sudden. Not one member of his team had commented about his sudden silence. No one had thought something was wrong or questioned it whatsoever. Maybe they were all relieved, happy that he’d finally shut up. As sad as he was that he was going to have to close off that part of him, he was more than willing to stop speaking if it made the people around him happier.
‘The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few’ he quoted Spock to himself, allowing a small smile to pass on his face. Yeah, he was doing it for his friends, for them, he could be quiet.
The team piled on the jet, everyone exhausted from the past few days. Reid trailed behind the group, entering the plane last. Morgan had claimed the couch, where Reid normally would go. He thought about sitting next to the man but realized he shouldn’t bother him. His headphones were already in and he looked like he might already be asleep. Plus, Reid thought, he was probably the last person Morgan would want to see.
JJ and Prentiss were sitting in the seats across from Morgan, speaking quietly. Hotch and Rossi were in the next two chairs, also discussing something. This left the last two chairs in the back corner, unless he wanted to sit next to Hotch and Rossi.
He knew the two didn’t want him interrupting the conversation, so he hurried past them, tucking himself in the corner of the plane. From where he had sat, he couldn’t see anyone.
Reid let his façade of nonchalance drop. He was disappointed but relieved that no one had approached him. He really didn’t want to have to explain why he’d gone quiet, but at the same time, he had kind of hoped someone would notice.
Reid brought his feet up on the seat, wrapping his lanky arms around them. He glumly sat his chin on his knees and stared out the window. It was dark and rainy out, the runway looked smudged through the wet window. It wasn’t long before they took off, leaving the small down in Montana and heading back home.
His eyes drift shut but, knowing that he probably wouldn’t get any easy sleep, he pulled them back open. He watched out the window for a few more minutes before peeking around the plane. Reid didn’t have a great vantage of everyone, but from body language he surmised that everyone was either asleep or attempting to get rest.
He let out a sigh of relief. No one would check on him, they’d all assume he was asleep as well. He could get some nice reading done.
Reid pulled out the book he had currently been rereading. Opening to his bookmarked page he began. However, it wasn’t long before his eyes began to droop.
It wasn’t a short flight, flying from Montana back to DC was no easy trip, but he couldn’t risk having a nightmare on the flight. However, his other problem was that, in order to get coffee, he’d have to make it, and the smell alone would probably wake one of the other agents up.
Reid couldn’t risk that, so instead he rubbed his hands hard into his eye sockets and forced himself to stay awake.
By the time the plane was getting ready to land a few hours later, he’d barely gotten through a chapter of his book. He was constantly reminding himself to keep his eyes open.
‘By the time I make it back to my apartment I’m going to crash hard.’ Reid thought to himself.
Soon enough the plane landed. The team lethargically rose, slowly gathering their things and walking off the plane. No one noticed when Reid didn’t rise with the rest of them. He’d strategically waited so that he could be last off the plane, avoiding the others. Hotch quickly announced that they’d have the next few days off. He tuned out the talk of going out for drinks, knowing that they’d probably only be inviting him as a common courtesy.
Reid got into the backseat of the car, placing himself within the shadows, hoping no one would address him. When they got to the office, he didn’t even follow the team upstairs, deciding to slip out down the stairs in the garage.
When he’d turned to peek back at the group, it looked as if the only one who’d seen him slip away was Rossi.
‘Good,’ he thought, ‘Rossi won’t say anything, he doesn’t want me there anyways.’
Reid caught his trains home and was soon stepping into his apartment. He was beginning to stumble more, body aching from exhaustion.
He managed to take a quick shower and change before collapsing on his bed. He easily slipped under the blankets, curling into a ball. Reid was asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.
*dream time!*
Reid was standing in the middle of the round table room. Only there was no round table, instead there was some sort of circular force field which he was standing in the middle of. He began to panic, trying to find a way out. He seemed to be stuck. Reid began yelling for help, yelling for his team.
Morgan appeared, sneering at him. He was screaming and screaming, but Morgan wouldn’t acknowledge his words. Reid wasn’t sure if he couldn’t hear him, or if he was simply ignoring him.
“SHUT UP!” a voice yelled behind him. Quickly, Reid spun around, seeing a very angry looking Rossi staring at him. He began to plead, begging to be let out. The circle seemed to be getting smaller and smaller as seconds ticked past.
“BE QUIET!” another voice yelled. Reid turned towards it. It was Hotch, a disappointed look on his face. Reid immediately began sobbing, asking for forgiveness for whatever he’d done.
“SILENCE!” this time when Reid turned it was JJ. She looked furious. He was taken aback, he’d never seen her so mad before, especially not at him. He once again began saying ‘I’m sorry’ over and over again, but she continued being angry.
“STOP TALKING!” Prentiss yelled. Reid continued to cry, slowly running out of pleas. It didn’t seem like there was anything he could do to make them forgive him.
“Please, please tell me how I can earn your forgiveness! I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” He pleaded, falling to his knees in the middle of the small circle. Morgan turned to face him, fury in his eyes.
“There is only one way…” He smiled, an evil glint in his eyes. Suddenly, Reid couldn’t breathe. He reached up to touch his face, but something was missing. His mouth! It was gone!
Reid began to hyperventilate as his teammates laughed at him. He scratched at his face, desperately attempting to get his mouth back. Tears ran down his face in anguish. He keeled over on his knees, placing his hands over his ears, their laughter making him sick. No matter what he did though, their laughs seemed to amplify. He couldn’t escape them, and now, he couldn’t even talk to them.
*end dream time*
Reid sat up abruptly, his whole-body slick with sweat. He stumbled out of bed, gasping for air. Clumsily he made his way to the bathroom. Reid quickly expelled the contents of his stomach into the toilet. When he’d finished, he lay miserably on the floor of his bathroom. There were still silent tears running down his face from the dream. Reid brought his hands up to his cheeks, swiping away the wetness.
He felt very shaken by the dream. His subconscious had hit him a little too directly. He shivered, wrapping his arms around himself. More tears leaked from his eyes as he thought of his dream.
One of Reid’s biggest fears was abandonment. He was sure it was obvious, the way he seemed to latch onto anyone who gave him the smallest amount of attention or praise. But that also meant that he was horrified of rejection. His trust issues were large. Reid had lost too many people.
His father, Elle, Gideon, basically all the friends he ever made during school. He just wasn’t that likeable.
Reid brought his knees up tightly to his body, hugging them close with his arms. He tucked his head into his legs, sobbing uncontrollably into them. He hadn’t felt this kind of pain since he’d found Gideon’s credentials a little over a month ago. Sadly, he realized his fears had been true.
His teammates didn’t like him, they were going to abandon him too in time.
He wasn’t sure how long he stayed there, sitting on the cool tile of his bathroom crying, but by the time he dragged himself back to bed the sun had risen fairly high into the sky. He managed to pull the curtains over the window in his room before flopping back down.
Reid thought he should probably get up, eat, drink some coffee, maybe read a book. But it was all just too much. He couldn’t do it today. He didn’t have the energy or the spirit. Instead he buried himself under the covers, hoping no more nightmares would haunt him.
The next time he awoke, Reid was very out of it. Being asleep for so long confused him. It was dark again out; he must have slept the whole day away. Reid managed to stand to relieve himself, but once he came back to bed, he fell to the darkness once more.
The next morning came quickly. Reid still didn’t feel great, but he was able to pull himself out of bed. He shakily stood, weak from lack of food, and made his way to the kitchen. He made himself down a glass of water before making any coffee, knowing he was probably dehydrated.
He soon settled in front of the tv, watching Star Trek reruns, sipping on his coffee. A pang of sadness went through him as he realized he hadn’t heard his phone buzz once. Not one person had texted or called to check in on him.
‘They don’t care’ a self-loathing voice in Reid’s head whispered, ‘they never did.’
Reid shook away the voice, choosing to focus on the show instead of wallowing in sadness.
It was early afternoon before he knew it. He’d zoned out while watching the show, his mind blank. He stood unsteadily, making his way to the fridge. He grabbed an apple to nibble on, knowing he should probably ingest something other than coffee.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

Chapter Text

PT2
Reid jumped at the sound of a knock. He thought he’d imagined it at first, but then another round of knocks landed on his door. He quickly stood, shaking off the wave of dizziness that overtook his body, and made his way to the door.
‘Who the hell is here?’ Reid wondered. He managed to stumble to the door and look through the peep hole. Standing there was a very concerned looking JJ.
He ran a hair through his knotted hair and swung the door open.
“JJ is everything alright?” he asked. She immediately stepped inside, looking around his apartment. “No yeah come in…?” he muttered to himself, closing the door. When he turned around, JJ had an odd look on her face. Concern? Mixed with something else maybe?
“Spence, where is it?” Reid was thoroughly confused now.
“Huh?”
JJ laughed sadly, tears starting to fill her eyes, “Spence where is the dilauded?”
“WHAT?” Reid yelled, slightly offended at her accusation, “JJ I’m clean! I’m not using dilauded anymore! I haven’t for months!”
JJ shook her head, “Spence we all noticed how different you were acting the other day. It was just like when you started using. I am just trying to help you; I care about you and I don’t want you to lose your job or end up killing yourself because of drugs. It’s not your fault, now please, just tell me where they are.”
Reid was pissed. How dare she accuse him of doing that?! He knew deep in his heart that she was just worried about him, but that didn’t cause him any relief.
“Go ahead and look around JJ! You’re not going to find anything. My god, do you want to test me? Or check my arms? I’m not lying to you,” he yelled, gesturing wildly. He stopped, clenching his jaw tightly before staring her dead in the eye, “I’m. Clean.”
She looked unsure before holding out her hand. He rolled his eyes, sticking his arms out for her to take. JJ rolled up the sleeve of his left arm. He had barely used that one anyways, there wasn’t much scarring there. After checking it over, she began rolling up the sleeve on his right arm. JJ gasped, but not at any new track marks.
His arm was red with sluggishly bleeding scratches. Reid’s brows furrowed, not even remembering scratching his arm in such a way. She gently ghosted her fingers over the marks but didn’t see any new injection sites. JJ furrowed her brow.
If he wasn’t doing drugs again, then why was he acting so weird?
He’d been doing so well, finally getting back on track after the whole Gideon fiasco. But suddenly, after he and Rossi had come back from scouting in Montana, he was silent.
She’d known him long enough to know that the only time Reid was quiet was when something was wrong. Otherwise, he always had something to say, especially if it was quiet. She thought he’d made it his personal mission to make sure that there was never any silence. As much as the team tended to get annoyed with his rambling, they all loved him for it. It was one of the adorable quirks that made him who he was.
JJ and Prentiss had talked about it on the plane, and she knew Morgan was worried from the glances he’d been sending Reid’s way. Hotch had planned on talking to the kid when they’d gotten back to Quantico, but Spence had managed to slip away from them before they got upstairs.
Then, it was radio silence for the last few days. They’d all attempted to contact him, but his phone had gone straight to voicemail. Either he’d turned it off on purpose, or it had run out of battery and he neglected to charge it. Either way, JJ became worried enough that she decided to go check on him herself.
She continued holding his arm, frowning. “Let me help clean you up.” She said, leading him towards his bathroom.
Reid let her walk him, knowing better than to fight against her. Plus, he’d pretty much used up all his energy yelling at her a minute ago. She led him to the toilet, gesturing for him to sit atop the lid. Pulling out his first-aid kit, she began cleaning the wounds on his arm.
Reid cringed, biting his lip as the antiseptic stung the scratches. He felt a need to fill the silence they were sitting in, hating the lack of noise, but he fought against it. He thought back to Rossi’s words, knowing the man was right.
JJ continued working, glancing at Reid every once in a while. He’d been completely quiet since his initial blow up, except for the occasional gasp of pain. She carefully finished cleaning the wounds, wrapping his arm with some gauze. When she finished, she rolled his sleeve down before grabbing his hand.
Reid kept his eyes down, letting JJ lead him back into the kitchen. She gestured for him to sit down and he did obediently. Swiftly, she began making him something to eat, assuming he probably hadn’t fed himself in the days he’d been home.
A few minutes later, she sat a bowl of mac n’ cheese in front of him. She filled a bowl for herself as well, taking a seat near him. He still hadn’t made a sound, barely acknowledging that she was there at all.
JJ knew that look on his face. Reid was deep within his mind, probably thinking some self-loathing thoughts as he sometimes did. Wanting to get him out of his head, she cleared her throat before beginning to talk.
“I’m sorry I accused you of doing drugs, Spence.” She said softly, “I was just worried about you and when you were so quiet in Montana… well my mind went to the worst thought first.”
His eyes began to clear, returning to the present. Reid looked at her quickly before dropping his gaze to the bowl sitting in front of him. His mind caught up slowly and he began grabbing his fork.
“It’s okay.” He whispered. “Sorry I yelled at you.” He dipped his head, hunching over slightly in shame. He shouldn’t have yelled at her; she was his best friend. Now JJ would probably never want to hang out with him ever again. He’d been so rude to her.
JJ’s brows furrowed as she saw him begin retreating again. She stuck her arm out, making contact with him, and it seemed to stop him from falling back into his head.
Reid flinched at the touch, but not enough for her to remove her arm. She opened her mouth to speak again.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Reid slowly brought his head up, confusion written on his face. “What?”
“Well, something’s clearly wrong, I mean, look around Spence, it doesn’t take a profiler to know somethings up.” She gestured around his apartment.
The usually neat and pristine room was messy with books and clothing thrown all over the place. The curtains were still drawn and all the blankets on his couch were unfolded.
Still, Reid shook his head. “Nothing’s wrong.”
“Spence,” JJ placed her other hand on his arm as well, establishing more contact with him, “did something happen in Montana?”
“NO!” he shouted, standing up abruptly. Reid began walking away but JJ had stood quickly and grabbed his arm, turning him around to face her. His eyes were clenched shut; his mouth pulled into a miserable frown. She held his forearms tight, not allowing him to escape from her grasp.
He broke suddenly, tears running down his face. His body instantly slumped, no longer fighting against her hold. Reid began weeping silently, just as he had a few weeks ago when they’d found out Gideon had left.
JJ pulled him into a hug, cradling his head against her shoulder. He immediately buried his face in her shirt.
They stood there a few minutes, Reid crying in her arms. When the tears began to slow, she loosened her grip, allowing him to straighten up. He wiped the tears from his face and rubbed his eyes.
“Sorry.” He muttered, and she shook her head.
“You don’t have to apologize, just talk to me Spence.” She tilted his chin so that he was looking at her, “Please.”
He nodded and she led him gently to the couch. Reid quickly slipped under one of the random blankets and JJ sat close to him, placing her hand on his. She squeezed it, encouraging him to speak.
“It’s d-dumb.” He said, staring at the blanket.
JJ shook her head, “if it’s making you this upset, it’s not dumb.”
“It was just something someone said… uh-about me talking too much. That n-no one really wants to listen to my r-rambling, and I should just…” he trailed off, eyes full of hurt.
“should just…?” JJ asked, urging him to continue.
He cleared his throat, shaking his head. “that I should just sh-shut up.”
JJ frowned. She knew that sometimes the policemen they worked with could be unkind to Reid, not understanding his quirks, but typically their comments didn’t hurt him that much. In fact, Reid didn’t really care what people thought of him, except for those on the team… Wait!
JJ’s eyes widened in understanding. Reid hadn’t named the person who’d said that, not because it was someone random, but because it was someone on the team. That’s why he cared so much. She quickly thought back to the case. It didn’t really seem like something any of them would say to him except maybe Rossi.
‘Rossi!’ She thought, ‘Hotch sent Reid and Rossi to talk to people! When he got back, that’s when Spence started acting weird! Rossi had been the one to say that to Reid!’
He had been so excited to meet the man and he’d been nothing but rude to most everyone on the team. He would have been heartbroken if Rossi insulted him in some way.
She wanted to ask him to confirm her theory but decided against it. He clearly didn’t want to talk about it in the first place, and if he had purposely not mentioned who it was that made the comment, he would probably be embarrassed if she asked who it was.
Instead she implemented another tactic.
“Spence, whoever said that clearly doesn’t know you very well. Otherwise they’d appreciate your rambling.” This got Reid’s attention, he looked up in confusion. “Sure, sometimes we get annoyed, but we all get annoyed at one another sometimes. Don’t you get annoyed with Morgan when he slips his files into your paperwork?”
Reid nodded, a small smirk on his face. “And don’t you get annoyed when Prentiss uses all the sugar from the coffee bar? Or when Hotch takes your coffee away and makes you take a break during a case?” Reid continued nodding, smile getting bigger on his face. Sure, they all annoyed him from time to time, but he loved them
“That’s how we feel with your rambling Spence, it can be annoying, but we love you for it. It’s what makes you, you. And we don’t want you to change.” She brought a hand up to his face, cupping his cheek, “Please don’t try and change yourself because of something some asshole said, okay?” He nodded once more into her hand. Reid leaned forward, wrapping JJ in a hug. She immediately returned it; glad she’d gotten through to him.
The rest of the afternoon went by swiftly. JJ made Reid eat the whole bowl of mac n’ cheese, claiming she’d confiscate his coffee maker if he didn’t. They sat together, laughing and talking about random things. It was nice to talk outside of work, pretending they had normal lives, just talking about ordinary things.
When she finally left, she gave him a big hug, stating she was glad he was back to his normal self.
“See you tomorrow!” He said as she left, smiling. Reid felt loads better. Knowing he’d sleep much better tonight; he fell on his bed with a smile on his face.
JJ immediately called Hotch.
“Hotchner.”
“Hey Hotch, we need to talk. Can you get to work early tomorrow?”
The next day came quickly. Reid’s alarm went off at its normal time and he quickly got dressed for work. He made a cup of coffee and was out the door. He checked his phone. About halfway through her visit, JJ had mentioned that she’d called him a few times, and he realized that his phone had died on their way home from the case. Luckily, he’d remembered to charge it the previous night.
He’d felt guilty when he’d seen the number of messages that his friends had left him. They cared for him much more than he’d given them credit for. Though he still didn’t quite understand why they liked him, JJ had assured him that they were one big family, and they would have his back no matter what.
As he stepped off the train and saw a message from Hotch. The man had asked him to go get the team some coffee before coming in. His brows furrowed in confusion, that was kind of an odd request. He replied, stating that he’d be happy to, but he’d probably be late. Hotch quickly responded saying that was okay.
Reid shrugged; he wasn’t going to question it. He’d never say no to coffee. Especially when Hotch was buying.
He made his way over to the local coffee shop outside of the FBI building. It took about twenty minutes to wait in line, place everyone’s orders, and get everything successfully, but Hotch had said it was okay for him to be late, so he wasn’t too worried. When he finally walked into the bullpen, the atmosphere seemed a little off.
JJ and Garcia weren’t there, but Morgan and Prentiss were. Prentiss seemed worried about something, and Morgan looked downright pissed. He glanced up at Hotch’s office and was shocked to see the door was closed and Rossi was standing in there. Hotch looked angry, speaking to Rossi as if he’d done something wrong.
Reid made his way to his desk, quickly setting everything down. Morgan’s eyes immediately softened when he saw Reid.
“Here you go,” Reid said, handing Morgan his coffee, “and… here’s yours Em.” He grabbed JJ and Garcia’s cups, rushing off to find them. He didn’t miss the concerned glances Prentiss and Morgan exchanged as he walked away, but he still wasn’t certain what this was all about, so he chose to ignore them.
When he entered Garcia’s office, she immediately stood, hugging him and profusely thanking him for the coffee. She seemed more doting than she normally did, but he was sure it was nothing. He made his way to JJ’s office, but she wasn’t there. He set her coffee down on her desk and exited, making his way back to his own desk.
Reentering the bullpen, something was still off. Morgan was now staring angrily at Rossi’s office, which had the door closed. Prentiss was at his desk, speaking to him in a hushed voice. He was about to ask them what was going on when Hotch emerged from his office. He made eye contact with Reid and waved for him to come up.
Reid swallowed, he felt like he was being called to the principal’s office. He grabbed Hotch’s coffee and made his way up the stairs.
“uh, here’s your coffee sir.” Reid said awkwardly, handing the cup over.
Hotch nodded in thanks, requesting that he close the door and sit down. Reid did so nervously. He awkwardly took a sip of his drink before making eye contact with Hotch.
The man looked pissed off, but also kind of… concerned? Reid continued to be confused with what was going on.
“Sir?”
“Reid, if another agent is bothering you, you need to tell me.”
Reid was taken aback. How the hell did he find out about that? He hadn’t told anyone but JJ, and still, he didn’t tell JJ that it was Rossi who’d been rude to him.
“No agent is bothering me, just one of the local policemen was rude. It was nothing important-”
“JJ called me.”
“What?!”
“She called me yesterday after she left your apartment. It was obvious you were upset during the case and we were all worried about you. She called me to let me know you weren’t doing anything harmful,” Hotch’s eyes traveled quickly to the kid’s arm before returning to his eyes, “but let me know that someone had said something rude to you.” He leaned forwards, placing his clasped hands on his desk, a serious look on his face. “Now we both know a random person’s commentary wouldn’t have hurt you that much, and I also know that this team thinks of itself as a family, and no one would say anything that hurtful to you. So that means that it had to be someone who’s opinion you care about but isn’t a part of our family. That essentially only leaves Rossi.”
Reid clenched his jaw, his eyes dropping. He felt ashamed. He should be able to take a little criticism, even if the criticism was someone you looked up to yelling at you telling you to shut up.
“It’s not his fault.” Reid began, suddenly finding himself unable to stop talking, “I was being annoying and I knew I was being annoying but it was just so quiet in the car and I felt like I had to fill the silence and I tried to ask him about his books so that he would talk too but he wasn’t giving long answers so I felt like I needed to keep talking and he was just annoyed that I wouldn’t just shut up GOD why can’t I just shut up!” He yelled, bringing his head forward and shutting his eyes. His hands gripped his hair tightly, pulling in annoyance at himself. He was breathing quickly, tears dripping down his cheeks.
Arms were wrapping around his torso, gently bringing him to the floor. Reid leaned against Hotch, the man’s arms tightening around him, and he allowed himself to sob into his shoulder. Hotch rubbed his back affectionately, shushing him and whispering comforting words. It only took a few minutes for him to calm himself down.
He pushed himself away from Hotch, sniffing. The man was looking at him warmly, still gripping his arms. Reid looked up at the man, giving a small smile in thanks. Hotch stood swiftly, pulling the shades closed. He had pulled the kid down so he could comfort him, but also because he didn’t want anyone looking through and seeing the kid break down. He had the right to his privacy.
When the shades were drawn, Hotch held down his hand for Reid to take. He did so quickly, and Hotch pulled him to his feet, guiding him to the couch. Reid rubbed his eyes, which were red and puffy from crying.
“Reid,” Hotch began hesitantly, “this team loves you for you and we don’t want you to change. Rossi will come around. I’ve already spoke to him about this,” Reid’s eyes widened in horror, “his behavior was unacceptable. If he speaks to you like that again, I’ll kick him off the team.”
Reid shook his head, “You can’t do that Hotch, you need him-”
“No Reid, we need you.” Hotch said seriously. “I don’t care how good he is, we need you, okay?” Reid nodded reluctantly.
“Now please, if something like this happens again, I want you to tell me right away, alright? I can’t have you shut down in the middle of a case. We need you and that big brain of yours.” Hotch said with a smirk, ruffling Reid’s hair.
Reid chuckled, nodding once more. They spoke for a few more minutes, Hotch reassuring Reid with kind words, hoping that he was getting through that thick head of his.
When Reid eventually left the office, he had a tiny smile on his face. He headed back towards his desk, sipping his coffee as he sat down. He definitely felt better after his talk with Hotch.
Morgan still looked like he wanted to strangle someone, and he kept eyeing Rossi’s office. Reid slowly connected the dots and his face became hot with embarrassment. That must have been why everyone was acting weird. They’d all either figured it out or heard through the grapevine what had happened.
He stood to go to the bathroom, wanting to allow himself to recover from his sudden bout of embarrassment. He rushed to the bathroom. Finding it empty, he breathed a sigh of relief. Reid leaned over the sink, splashing cold water onto his face. He heard the door open behind him. Quickly looking into the mirror, he saw Morgan.
He wiped his face and turned around, an awkward smile on his face. He began to walk around Morgan in order to leave, but the man put his palm on his chest, stopping him. Reid backed up slightly, surrendering to his fate.
“Kid, why didn’t you say something?”
“Morgan-”
“Reid please, yah gotta stop doin’ this to me. How many times am I going to have to tell you that I care about you before you get it into that thick skull of yours?” Morgan immediately pulled Reid into a tight embrace. Reid hugged back immediately, appreciating the gesture. When he pulled back Reid smiled.
“Thank you for caring Morgan, really.”
“You don’t have to thank me, just don’t make me worry so much next time. I was this close to punching his ass.”
Reid nodded and Morgan placed his hand at the nape of the kid’s neck, guiding him out the door.
The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. They didn’t have a case, so most everyone was just catching up on paperwork and talking to one another.
At the end of the day, Reid was one of the last people in the office. Morgan and Prentiss had both just gone home and Hotch was packing up. JJ had left about an hour ago and it sounded like Garcia left as well. Reid was finishing up one last file, he’d go home once he was done.
“Reid,” his head shot up, it was Rossi, “may I speak to you in my office?” Reid’s heart began beating rapidly in anticipation, but he nodded. He quickly threw the papers down, anxiously approaching the man’s office. He made eye contact with Hotch, who was now stepping out of his office. He nodded, encouraging him.
Reid took a deep breath, stepping into Rossi’s office. He gestured for him to sit, so Reid did just that. Rossi looked nervous; he took a deep breath before speaking.
“What I said to you was out of line, Reid. You’re clearly an asset to this team, I’ve seen that multiple times now. Frankly, I’m jealous that you’re as good as you are at your age. You intimidated me the moment you started quoting my book from memory. I understand why they need you on this team, and why everyone’s so quick to defend you. I apologize for what I said, and I hope that you can forgive me.”
Reid swallowed thickly, nodding his head. “It’s alright.” He cleared his throat. “Thank y-you, uh, for saying that.”
Rossi nodded, smiling. Reid already felt a little better. Maybe the two of them could become friends, maybe Gideon’s stories hadn’t been embellished, you just had to get to know Rossi before he opened up to you.
‘Kinda like me’ Reid thought, a smile emerging on his face.
Rossi leaned forward, a hint of playfulness in his eyes. “So… do you like pasta?”

Chapter Text

Five Times Reid Came Out to the BAU Team and the One Time he Didn’t Have To

Reid knew he was not completely straight. He’d known for a very long time. When he was going into college at the spry age of thirteen, he started to realize that he was interested in girls, but he was also interested in a lot of guys. Out of curiosity, he’d done some research and it turned out he was bisexual.
Now, Reid had never actually come out to anyone before, in fact, he didn’t really see the need for it. Maybe it was because he never really had anyone he wanted to come out to. His dad left when he was eight, and his didn’t feel like he needed to tell his mom. It would probably just confuse her, and she’d forget. Plus, he knew that no matter the gender of his significant other, his mother would always be supportive.
That’s why, as an almost 26-year-old man, it was confusing to Reid when he suddenly felt like he was hiding from his new family. On one hand, he knew they wouldn’t care who he dated, but at the same time he was terrified that the moment they found out he was bi, they would stop treating him like a part of the family.
Reid found himself mulling it over for weeks until he was constantly nervous around the team. He knew he needed to tell someone just to get it over with. He was struggling to sleep because he’d become so anxious about being rejected, and it was wearing down on him.
Logically, he knew it wasn’t a big deal. None of them had ever mentioned anything that suggested they were homophobic, not that he really expected that little of them. But each time he got up the courage to say something, his body seemed to shut itself down and he ended up retreating.

1- Derek

Tonight was different. They had flown to Arizona, chasing an unsub who was killing people like ‘Son of Sam’ had. Because of that, the team was paired off, sitting in downtown Phoenix in the night, waiting to see any suspicious looking activity.
Morgan and Reid had been paired together. The two of them sat in silence, surveying the area. It had been a few hours already, and they hadn’t seen much activity. Reid’s leg was bouncing up and down with anxiety. He knew now was a perfect time to say something to Derek. It was just the two of them, no one would overhear the conversation. Plus, it was Derek. He was high on the list of people who wouldn’t care what his sexuality was.
Reid awkwardly cleared his throat, making up his mind. He was going to do this now.
“Uh… Derek? C-can I tell you s-something?” he stuttered nervously, looking down. He wiped sweaty palms on his pants, anxiety building quickly.
Derek’s head turned, slight confusion on his face. “Of course, what’s up?”
“Um…” he trailed off clenching his jaw. He shook his head and bit his lip. He could do this! Reid looked up, making eye contact with Derek. The man was concerned, probably assuming he was about to confess something awful to him. Reid opened his mouth, but no words came out. Suddenly his mouth was very dry, and he couldn’t form any sentences.
“Hey, hey, hey kid. Whatever you tell me just stays between the two of us, okay? It’s alright.” He reached out a hand, grabbing Reid’s tightly. He squeezed lightly, hoping to encourage the kid to spit out whatever had been bothering him. He’d clearly been anxious about something the past few weeks, but just couldn’t get the nerve to tell anyone on the team what was going on. Derek didn’t want the kid to back out now.
Reid nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat. No backing out now. “I’m… um… bisexual.”
The look on Derek’s face quickly flashed from concern to confusion to happiness. He started laughing. Reid’s face flushed, unsure of what to make of the reaction.
“Oh my god kid, the way you were acting, I thought you were going to tell me something horrible!” This brought a smile to Reid’s face, and he began to chuckle a little as well. Derek pulled him into a hug, smiling at the kid. He held him tight for a few seconds before letting up a bit. Keeping his arms on the kid’s shoulder, he gave a big smile. “I’m really glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me Reid. I hope you know that I don’t care who you date, as long as they’re not an asshole.”
“Thanks Derek. Really… th-that means a lot.” Reid beamed. He felt a heavy weight off his chest. “You’re uh… the first person I’ve ever come out to.” He stated.
Derek’s smile somehow became even warmer with affection. “Well I’m honored.” He reached up to ruffle the kid’s hair, “I’m glad I could be the first one to support my little brother.”
Reid smirked, tears building in his eyes a bit. He was very touched, and so happy, that Derek was being so supportive. It was more than he could’ve hoped for.
Feeling a lot lighter, and much happier, the two returned to their stake out.
The team didn’t miss Reid’s improved mood when they returned to the station the next morning. They’d all noticed something was off the past few weeks, and it was odd to see that he suddenly was acting normal again. The team was curious what had happened in that car, but whenever someone asked Derek he’d just say, “You’ll find out in time, the kid will tell you one way or another.”

2- JJ

JJ and Reid had run to the local coffee shop in the small town they were in. The case they were working was a tough one, and it looked like it was turning into a spree. Hotch had been desperately attempting to get Reid to pull himself away from the cork board for hours, and finally JJ was able to lure him away with the promise of coffee.
Reid rubbed his eyes for the hundredth time, attempting to wipe away the sleepiness that lay within them. His dark circles made his eyes looked bruised and his hair was all over the place. Needless to say, his guard was definitely down.
He was currently sitting in one of the booths, waiting on their order. JJ had gotten up to use the restroom, so he began people watching out of boredom.
Reid suddenly became completely distracted when a cute guy walked in. He looked like an angel. Tall, muscly, and a bit of scruff on his face. He was wearing a plaid shirt and tight jeans. VERY tight jeans. Reid found himself slightly entranced by the man’s appearance.
He stared at him as he ordered coffee and watched him walk over to the opposite counter to wait on his drink. The man must have noticed his staring because unexpectedly he sent a sultry smirk Reid’s way. Reid’s eyes immediately widened, and he whipped his head in the opposite direction, blushing profusely. He hadn’t meant to be so obvious.
A few seconds later though, a large hand placed a napkin appeared in front of him, with a name and cellphone number scribbled down on it. Reid glanced up; the man was standing right next to him. He was incredibly tall and handsome, and Reid seemed to be at a loss for words.
“Call me.” His deep voice stated. The man smirked, turning to leave with coffee cup in hand. Reid sat there in shock for a few minutes, trying to process what happened.
He was brought out of his trance when JJ appeared in the booth next to him.
“Spence you look like you’ve seen a ghost,” she jived, then she reached for the napkin, “what’s this?”
Reid swiftly grabbed the napkin before she could get it and she looked up at him shocked.
“Uhhhhhhhh… nothing?” He claimed.
“Oh my god, did you get a girl’s number?” JJ smiled, teasing. She began laughing, trying to reach for the napkin.
Reid’s nerves spiked. Now was as good of a time as any. “Um it’s a guy’s number… I-I’m actually bisexual.” He stated quietly. He had a small bit of fear in his eyes as he waited for a reply.
JJ paused for a moment, nodded her head and said “oh, okay” and then continued her playful escapade to grab the napkin. Reid was immediately relieved, smiling and laughing as she attempted to grab the note.
She eventually did get it from him and began singing “Spencer and Marcus sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” while running away from him in the parking lot.
Reid laughed with slight embarrassment but mostly happiness. He always knew JJ wouldn’t really care if he was bi, but he felt better now that she actually knew. When they’d settled down in the car, she handed him the note back, telling him he should give the guy a call before they left town.
“Maybe if we have extra time…” Reid said, smiling. “Um actually, JJ, could you not… uh mention this to anyone? Only you and Morgan know…” he stated, trailing off.
JJ smiled, “of course Spence.” She laughed a little, “I hope you realize I will be telling Morgan about this ‘Marcus’ fellow though.”
Reid’s eyes widened, “Oh god please don’t he’ll never let it go,” he pleaded, but JJ shook her head.
“Yeah, Spence, that’s the point. You’re our little brother, it’s our job to embarrass you.”
Reid’s face turned red and he slid down in his seat slightly, but he didn’t really care all that much. He was just happy that he was able to be himself and his two family members were supporting him unconditionally.

3- Garcia

He’d been in Las Vegas, visiting his mom, when the team got called on a case. They’d flown up to Atlantic City to investigate a series of murders which had taken place over the last few months.
Reid was going to join them, but his mom hadn’t been doing very well, so Hotch insisted he stay in Las Vegas with her instead. She’d been taking new medication, and the introduction to it was going to be a long process. The drug should help her a lot, but the first month of it being in a patient’s system had proven to be difficult, causing more psychotic episodes. Essentially, the drugs would make her a lot worse, before she became a lot better.
He stayed two extra days but decided he couldn’t watch his mother continue to spiral. It was too painful. Feeling a bit down, he made his way back to DC.
When he came into the office the next day, he found the team was still in AC. He called Hotch, asking if he should come up to meet them, but Hotch told him to stay in Quantico instead. He could catch up on the case faster and then work with Garcia in her office, hopefully developing a helpful geographical profile or adding to their current victimology or profile.
Reid made his way to Garcia’s office, still down from his trip to see his mom. He held a cup of much too sugary coffee in one hand and lots of files in the other. He rushed to her door, awkwardly opening it and letting himself in.
“Spencer! Welcome back!” Garcia squealed with excitement. He managed to put down his coffee before she threw herself at him, hugging him tightly. He smiled lightly, wrapping his unoccupied arm around her.
“How was your mom? Was your trip good?” She asked, delight on her face.
Reid’s face dropped at the mention of his mother, but he recovered quickly. “Uh yeah, it was fine.” He said, attempting a smile. He tried to divert away from any other questions she was about to ask; “tell me about the case.”
Garcia immediately launched into a summary of what they’d found. Reid listened to her and simultaneously began reading through the files. By the time she was finished, he’d gotten through all the reports and was beginning to compile a profile in his head.
The team had found that when jumping into a case, it was better to take all the information and make your own profile before looking at the one that had been given already. This way, there was another unbiased second opinion which either further supported the first profile or could oppose it and help the investigation look in a different direction.
He quickly began drawing a geographical profile on the map Garcia had handed him. He started connecting the dump sites to where victims were taken, and all the other important locations they’d found. He was also studying victimology in his head, forming a profile.
When he’d finished, he quickly relayed his profile to Garcia. It matched almost perfectly to the profile the team had given. She sent a photo of the map Reid had drawn up to the team, hoping it would help narrow down the search for the unsub.
Reid began to slow down now, finally having sent off his most important information to the team. Garcia was scrolling through ViCAP, attempting to match victims. He glanced around at her other screens. There were six men on one of the screens. All of them were pretty attractive, Reid noticed, that was a shame. Why couldn’t murders all be ugly losers, instead of attractive losers?
Garcia noticed his staring and smirked. “Those are possible unsubs. It’s a shame that they’re all beefcakes isn’t it?”
Reid scoffed, “You can say that again.” Suddenly he froze, realizing he’d said that out loud. He turned around and Garcia had the world’s biggest smile on her face. He immediately became beet red, but he was at a loss for words and couldn’t figure out how to explain himself.
“Oh. My. God! Is my baby boy into the same beefcakes as me?! Can we gossip about men together?! I’M SO EXCITED OH MY GOD REID!” She got up from her chair, throwing herself at him. She wrapped him into a bone crushing hug.
He started to laugh as she pulled away. “Um yeah, I’m bi. So… I can definitely appreciate a, uh, ‘beefcake’ with you.” He smiled as she began to squeal in excitement. She pulled out a box of pins that she’d had randomly shoved in one of her drawers. After a few moments of searching, she picked out a bi pride flag pin, and immediately handed it to him.
He grinned, taking it from her. Some happy tears began building in his eyes, he was very touched. “Thank you.” He whispered, looking closely at the detail of it.
She grabbed his hand, closing his palm around the pin. “Whenever you’re ready to be fully out for all to see, I want you to wear that. I know it can be scary to come out to people, even if you know that you’ll get their support regardless, and I’m not going to pressure you to go any faster than you’re comfortable with, but whenever you’re ready, I want you to wear that pin with pride.” He nodded, a few tears escaping from his eyes. He mouthed another thank you at her and she once again wrapped her arms around him.
When they separated, he gently placed the pin in a small pocket in his satchel for safe keeping. One day, he’d do exactly what Garcia had suggested. He’d wear that pin with pride.

4- Prentiss

It was kind of shocking that it took him so long to work up the nerve to tell Prentiss. I mean, Hotch and Rossi he felt like were more understandable. Hotch was like his dad, so he was incredibly nervous to come out to him, and Rossi… Well he grew up in a different generation, and that in and of itself made Reid a little nervous. But Prentiss? I mean she was like his older INCREDIBLY protective sister. There was no way she would do anything but support him unconditionally.
Yet, somehow, Reid almost forgot to come out to her. He didn’t really feel like he needed to, he kind of thought she might already know. Not that any of the other team members he told had shared the information (well, not until they knew other people knew, Morgan, JJ, and Garcia were still all secretly teasing him about the Marcus story).
So, it wasn’t until she caught him checking someone out that Reid realized she had no idea that he was bi.
They had been walking around a park on a day off. They had finished a case the previous day and were actually receiving a weekend, like a normal person with an ordinary job would get. Prentiss had asked Reid if he wanted to go to brunch and catch up since they hadn’t talked about their outside lives in a while. They were currently finishing their drinks, walking through the park near the restaurant, continuing to fill each other in on their relatively small social lives.
Reid had been speaking to Prentiss about his mother. She was doing much better now that she had adjusted to her medication. He was hoping to go visit her again soon now that she was more lucid. He was in the middle of his sentence when he spotted him.
The man was very attractive. He had short, wavy blond hair and very tan sun kissed skin. He was muscular and looked like your typical surfer dude. But what made Reid completely lose his train of thought was his outfit. The man was wearing booty shorts and a crop top in the middle of autumn. His ass was essentially hanging out of his shorts and Reid could stare at his abs for days.
He hadn’t even realized that he’d stopped talking, or that he was practically gawking until Prentiss elbowed him in the ribs.
“OW! Em!” He said, turning to Prentiss.
She smirked, “really Reid, do you wanna be a little more obvious when checking out a guy? I mean just like that, IQ of 187 turned into 6.” She began to walk again, leaving him in the dust when he furrowed his brows.
He’d never told her, had he?
“Wait!” He said, running to catch up with her, “Um Emily, I should tell you that-”
“You’re bi? Uh yeah, no shit kiddo. A disaster bi for sure.” She stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Reid was taken aback. “Did Garcia tell you? Or-”
“Listen kid, you’re not the only gay one standing here, okay. I knew you were a disaster bi a long time ago, just like I’m sure you’re completely oblivious to the fact that I’m a HUGE lesbian.”
Reid blinked, “Oh.” He smiled as she shook her head at him, “Cool.”
She put her hand on his back, guiding him to keep walking. “Next time you check someone out, at least keep your mouth closed so you don’t drool all over yourself.”
He immediately wiped his mouth, “Hey!”
“Just trying to look out for you” she said, playfully shoving him to the side.
Reid smiled. “Thanks Em.”

5- Hotch
No matter what words of encouragement the other four members of the team gave him, Reid still felt a pit in his stomach standing outside of Hotch’s house. He’d been trying to come out to his father figure for a few months now, but every time the time was right he’d either chicken out at the last minute, or they’d be interrupted.
Emily had announced to the team that she was gay a few days after she’d told Reid. She didn’t really need to come out, as she’d already told everyone, but she wanted to “show Reid how it was done.”
This consisted of the song Run the World by Beyonce playing on a boombox as Prentiss was wheeled into the bullpen on a cart by Garcia. She was wearing a bright pink dress and holding about ten sparklers. She had two giant flags, one the general rainbow pride and one the lesbian pride flags behind her and there was a giant cake that read ‘I’m gay bitches!’
Everyone had laughed and clapped for her as she took a bow, thanking everyone for witnessing her beautiful performance. She sent a pointed look at Reid and then had walked over to cut the cake.
Reid could never do anything that extravagant, he hated being the center of attention. Hell, he hated when people sang him happy birthday because of that reason. But he still wanted to do something formal for Hotch.
That’s why he was standing awkwardly outside of Hotch’s house. The man had invited him over for dinner so they could catch up. Hotch tried to have him over once a week so that he knew Reid was getting a homecooked meal and the two of them could just have some nice bonding time.
However, lately their case load had been so crazy, he hadn’t had the kid over in almost two months.
When they’d finally had a break and Hotch invited him over, he decided it was time. He was going to come out to Hotch. Reid went to his friends, looking for advice.
Emily suggested they all come over and do something extremely extravagant as she’d done (mentions of rainbow glitter-bombing Hotch’s living room so it would be forever ruined had been brought up, but Reid quickly shot it down). Garcia seconded Prentiss, but Reid shook his head.
Morgan and JJ had both told him to just say it casually, as he’d been doing with everyone else. He didn’t need to do anything fancy. They knew Hotch’s approval mattered a lot to him, but he didn’t need to be worried. Hotch wasn’t going to stop loving the kid because of this.
Reid took a deep breath, knocking on the door. Hotch quickly answered it, smiling and stepping back so that Reid could enter. He quickly slipped off his converse, revealing two mismatching but equally bright colored socks.
Hotch lead him into the dining room, food already sitting out, ready for the two of them. Quickly, Reid took his seat, smiling in thanks at Hotch. The man began speaking of Jack and his latest endeavors at school. Jack had a science fair project which Reid had helped him with, and he ended up getting third place in the science fair. Reid beamed at this, excited that Jack was doing so well. He loved that kid.
After a while, Hotch shifted the attention, asking Reid what he’d been doing in his small amount of free time. Reid’s stomach started to flip as anxiety filled him. He couldn’t back out now, he’d never hear the end of it if he chickened out again. Plus, he was kind of scared Emily might glitter-bomb HIS apartment if he didn’t do this tonight.
Clearing his throat, Reid put down his cutlery, focusing his attention at the task at hand. He took a deep breath before making eye contact with Hotch.
“Um, Hotch? There’s actually something I’ve been wanting to tell you for a long time… I mean not a super long time like I haven’t been hiding something from you for years, or well, I guess I have, but it was unintentional, I just didn’t think it was important until recently and now I feel like I need to tell you but I’ve been nervous because I don’t know how you’ll react and you’re really important to me so I don’t want to mess up our relationship and-”
“Spencer, breathe” Hotch said, cutting him off. Reid took a shaking breath, realizing that he’d been going on an unintentional ramble because he was nervous. “Whatever you tell me, I’m not going to think any different of you. It’s okay.” Hotch smiled at Reid.
Reid smiled back, nodding his head. He took another breath, wringing his hands in his lap. He averted his eyes before speaking again, “I’m… um… bisexual…” Reid’s eyes wandered around the table a few seconds, before chancing a glance at Hotch.
Hotch was smiling and standing from the table. He quickly got around to Reid’s side and kneeled down in front of his chair, holding his arms out.
Reid smiled, leaning into Hotch’s arms. The man pulled him in close, holding him tightly. Reid buried his face into the man’s shoulder, smiling.
“Thank you for telling me Spencer. I’ll love you no matter who you love.”
Reid felt overcome with emotion. He was so happy that Hotch said that, it’s all he had ever wanted to hear.
“Thank you” Reid choked out, becoming slightly overcome with tears of joy. Hotch responded by holding him a little tighter. When they separated from the hug, Hotch wiped the few tears that had dropped from Reid’s eyes away, smiling at him with adoration in his eyes. Hotch then stood and returned to his chair. The two began eating again and chatting, as if nothing had even happened.
However, the next day Reid was filled with joy when he got to work, seeing a small bi pride flag sitting on his desk with a note that was clearly in Hotch’s handwriting. Reid almost began crying when he read what it said.
“I’m proud of you.”

+1- Rossi

Rossi had been inviting the whole team over for dinner for a while now. Most everyone always came. They were a family after all and, since most of their lives revolved around the BAU, typically they’d hang out outside of work as well.
However, he started to become concerned when Spencer Reid suddenly stopped attending the gatherings.
Had he said something wrong to him? He thought the kid and him got over whatever problems they’d had in the past. Now the two of them got along great. In fact, he treated the kid as if he was his favorite grandchild, constantly attempting to feed him and give him small gifts. He couldn’t help himself, he felt protective of him. He understood why the team had been so mad at him when he’d initially arrived and been rude to him, you almost couldn’t help but feel protective of him.
But for the past few weeks, he couldn’t seem to get Reid to come to his house. At first, he thought he must be mad at Rossi for some reason. He tried to read him at work, seeing if there was anything wrong with him, but he seemed perfectly happy. If anything, actually, the kid seemed more happy than normal.
Then he thought maybe he was overcompensating for something. Maybe something had happened with his mom and he was pretending like everything was fine, so he didn’t have to talk about it. The kid was funny that way, he’d analyze any of the team in a second and try to figure out what was wrong so that he could help in any possible way, but he still had a hard time accepting help for himself.
But no, the kid seemed genuinely happy. So why was it that he seemed to be avoiding these social gatherings?
Finally, Rossi broke down. his curiosity got the best of him. He had to know. So, he went to Hotch. He figured that since the kid clearly looked as Hotch as his own father, that he probably told him most everything. But when he asked Hotch, the man genuinely had no idea either, and had said that he’d been wondering the same thing.
Over the next few days, he attempted to corner the rest of the team members in order to solve this mystery. However, shockingly enough, no one seemed to have an answer.
He would approach Reid about it himself, but he suspected Reid would either dodge the question or he’d shut himself down and refuse to tell anyone anything.
It was another week before something changed. Reid accepted an invite to his house and asked if he could bring someone with him.
That was it! Reid was genuinely happy because he was seeing someone. That’s why he hadn’t come to his house for meals, he was probably going on dates with this woman.
Rossi was excited to meet her. Anyone who could have Reid in their clutches like this must be pretty special. He didn’t mention the fact that he was bringing someone along because Reid had told Rossi he wanted it to be a surprise for the rest of the team, so he bounced in excitement alone.
He made enough pasta to feed their large family and brought out lots of booze. It was going to be a great night.
Slowly, everyone trickled in, greeting one another with love, until Reid was the only one missing. He soon walked in the door though, a few minutes late. He smiled at everyone, sending a small wave their way before speaking.
“Um, everyone, I’d like you to meet my boyfriend,” he stepped out of the way reveling a very tall man who was smiling at Reid, “Marcus.”
Rossi was a bit taken aback. He had no idea Reid was gay. The rest of the team stood immediately, smiling and introducing themselves. JJ punched Reid in the arm and her and Morgan high fived about something, the whole group laughing. Reid glanced at Marcus; both clearly had a lot of love for each other.
This wasn’t something Rossi had experienced a lot of, seeing two men together. However, he’d seen his fair share of love. He had been married three times after all. And in seeing the way the two men looked at each other, he could tell it was true.
Rossi smiled, looking at Hotch who was still standing next to him. The two exchanged an amused look before turning back to the group. After a few minutes, Reid walked a slightly more nervous looking Marcus over to him and Hotch.
“Um, Hotch, Rossi, this is Marcus.” Reid said, a sideways smile on his face.
Marcus stepped forwards immediately, offering his hand, “Pleasure to meet you both.”
Hotch shook the man’s hand first, “The pleasure is mine,” before turning to Rossi.
Rossi grinned at the man, giving him a firm handshake. “It’s great to meet you.”
Reid nodded at the two of them before grabbing Marcus’s hand and turning to walk to the kitchen to get a drink. Rossi noticed a pin on Reid’s lapel. It was a little flag. He expected it to be the rainbow flag that he had seen before, but its colors were different. They were striped with pink purple and blue.
He leaned to Hotch, whispering “What flag is that?”
Hotch smiled. “It’s the bisexual pride flag.” He shifted his weight, turning more towards Rossi. “It’s my understanding that Garcia gave that pin to him a long time ago, hoping one day he’d be comfortable enough to wear it for everyone to see.”
Rossi smiled at that. It sounded like something Garcia would do. “Well, I’m glad he’s wearing it now.”

Chapter Text

S3 E12

Reid had tried his hardest with Jack. He really had. He begged the man not to shoot the unsub, even though he might have deserved it. But the fact that Lindsey had told him, had pleaded with him to shoot the man right in front of her… Reid wasn’t sure what to think.

He thought he’d gotten through to the man, he’d used all of his tactics, attempting to reason with him. But one more request by his daughter and it was over.

A gunshot echoed loudly through the high school bathroom. Reid watched as the man’s head exploded from the shot, immediately feeling nauseated. He involuntarily lowered his weapon, staring in shock at the limp body lying on the floor. Blood had spattered everywhere, covering the walls and puddling in the stall.

He didn’t move when Jack and Lindsey left the bathroom. He didn’t move when Hotch and Morgan entered it either. Reid was fixated on the man. He’d just been alive a few seconds ago, Reid could’ve saved him. He should have saved him.

He didn’t realize anyone was speaking to him until a hand was placed on his shoulder.

“You okay, Reid?” Morgan asked, concern in his voice.

Reid’s eyes still didn’t shift from the body, but he came back to himself slightly. He was still very much in a state of shock after witnessing what he saw. “I…” he choked on his words, “I tried.” He shook his head lightly in a state of disbelief. Things were becoming out of focus as he was getting tunnel vision on the body, “I tried, really… I c-couldn’t…”

Reid trailed off. Morgan’s hand tightened on his shoulder, helping him ground himself a little more. He finally pulled his gaze away from the body, focusing on a slightly fuzzy Derek Morgan standing beside him.

“What’s gunna happen to Jack?” he asked, confused. He shifted his gaze as Morgan turned his head, looking to Hotch who seemed to suddenly appear in front of them.

“It depends how important a witness he is.”

Morgan removed his hand, walking out of the bathroom. But Reid seemed to be glued to the floor, his eyes now shifting back to the body once more. He stood there a few seconds before he realized that Hotch had placed his hands on his shoulders from behind and was guiding him out of the bathroom.

He felt like he was walking through a dream. He wasn’t able to focus on anything and if Hotch hadn’t been guiding him he was sure he would’ve run into something.

Hotch had moved so that he was now walking next to Reid, one hand on the nape of his neck to guide the kid forward. Reid’s eyes were clouded over with fear and shame, clearly filled with guilt at not being able to save the unsub’s life and scarred from the horrific scene he’d witnessed. The kid was strong, he’d been through a lot and had seen a lot in his short life. He’d get through this. But, he thought, Reid might need a helping hand with this one.

Reid let Hotch continue guiding him towards the vehicles. The man had opened the door for him and Reid clumsily piled in the vehicle’s front seat, feeling like his body was moving through water. He felt strange, like he wasn’t really there.

‘I’m dissociating’ the logical part of his brain whispered. But Reid still couldn’t pull himself out of the state he’d fallen into. He felt a lot of pain and guilt and shame and confusion. He felt like he could breakdown in cry or fall asleep at the drop of a hat. He wanted to punch a wall or curl up in a corner and sob. But instead he sat still, blank eyes staring out the window, trying to process what he’d just witnessed.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there until the vehicle started moving. Nor was he certain how long the drive had taken them to get back to the precinct. Hotch had parked the car, leaving Reid inside. Reid hadn’t even really noticed that they’d stopped, not until he felt the motion of the car from Hotch reentering the vehicle.

Reid blinked and suddenly they were at the airstrip. His door opened and Hotch stood, holding a hand out to guide Reid onto the plane. He swallowed, trying to get a better grip on reality. He awkwardly climbed out of the car, his body not cooperating fully with his mind. Hotch placed his hand on the nape of his neck again, guiding him towards the plane.

When they boarded, Hotch led him to the couch, sitting down next to him. They were the last to arrive, the rest of the team was already on board and, for the most part, they were all asleep or dozing off already.

Reid sat, staring straight ahead, still mentally stuck in that bathroom with the unsub who’d gotten his brain blown out.
“Reid.” A quiet voice said. He blinked, trying to focus on the present. He turned his head, noticing that Hotch was still sitting there, staring at him with worry. “Come here.”

Reid nodded, but didn’t move. He allowed Hotch to grab his body, bringing him into his arms. The man pulled him down on top of him, making it so they were both laying on the couch. Reid’s legs automatically lifted themselves onto the couch so he wouldn’t be awkwardly splayed on the floor as well. He was laying on Hotch’s chest, still turned sideways so he could see out the widow across from him. Hotch had his arms wrapped around him tightly, hugging him close to his chest. One hand was combing through his hand while the other rested on his back.

Reid let out an involuntary whimper as his mind began processing what had happened, but Hotch just held him tighter, offering whispered consolations. He watched out the window, mind dissociating once more, as they took off. It was dark out, and as the plane turned, he could see the lights of the small town they’d just been in.

“shhhhh… sleep Spencer. Close your eyes.” Reid’s body listened to the command and his eyes slipped shut. Almost immediately he seemed to drift off to sleep.

When he awoke, the plane was getting ready for landing. He was still laying on the couch, but Hotch was no longer holding him. Instead the man had moved to the seat across from him and was currently writing in a case file.

Reid began to slowly push himself up, rubbing his tired eyes. He felt a little more himself, he definitely wasn’t in shock anymore, but he still felt guilty about what happened. Hotch looked at him as he roused, watching him slowly awaken. He was sure the man had been worried about him, so he sent him a small smile.

Hotch looked back down at his file. “You’re coming to my place tonight Spencer,” he stated. Reid opened his mouth to argue but the man spoke again before he could get a word out, “-and no arguing with me. We’re both tired and I will drag you to my house if I have to so I wouldn’t even try.”
Reid shut his mouth in resignation. There was no use arguing with the man. It had never worked before. Plus, when he’d refused to go in the past Hotch HAD physically dragged and/or carried him to his home, so he knew the man wasn’t bluffing. He nodded, staring out the window as the ground became closer and closer. Maybe it wasn’t a bad idea to go to Hotch’s house, he didn’t really want to be alone anyways.

When they landed, everyone awoke and tiredly gathered their things. Everyone was exhausted. Luckily, Hotch had called ahead for someone to come pick them up, that way no one had to try to drive.

Reid piled in the car with Hotch. He’d gotten in the backseat and Hotch sat up front with the driver. Clearly, Hotch was trying to stay awake, not allowing himself to sleep until they were safely home. Reid tried to do the same thing but ended up drifting off to sleep fairly quickly.

Hotch shook him awake, holding the car door open. Reid’s eyes sluggishly opened; body completely drained of energy. Hotch must have seen the fatigue on Reid’s face because before he could even attempt to coordinate the movement of his limbs, Hotch was lifting him into his arms.
His arms gently grasped him under his knees and behind his back, easily lifting him into a bridal carry. Reid let his head lull against the man’s shoulders, too tired to argue against the notion. The man must have gone inside and set his stuff down before getting Reid because the door was already open and the light on when Hotch had carried him up the porch.

He swiftly brought him in, depositing the kid in the guest bedroom. Reid immediately began curling into the sheets but Hotch stopped him.
“Reid you need to change before you go to bed.”

“Mmmmmmmm.” Was Reid’s reply. He was way too tired to care.

“Come on Spencer.” Hotch was hoisting him into a sitting position. “it’ll only take a minute.”

“mmmm kay.” Reid opened his eyes as much as he could, trying to stay awake. Hotch was looking for his pajamas in Reid’s go-bag. Reid began clumsily taking off his shoes before attempting to unbutton his shirt. Hotch quickly located the pajamas and began helping Reid undress. Reid quickly redressed himself in pajamas with the help of Hotch and, finally, Reid laid back, much more comfortable. He almost immediately passed out, exhaustion coming back full force.

Hotch gently sat on the bed next to him, as he would with his own son, and combed through his hair. He gently patted the kid’s head before standing to leave. He turned out the lights and closed the door to a crack. Reid had clearly already fallen asleep as his breaths had evened out already. He smiled, adoration filling his body. Hopefully the kid would be up to talk a little in the morning.

Hotch wanted to make sure he was okay after the horrible scene he’d witnessed today.

When Reid woke the next morning, he felt back to his normal self. Surprisingly, he’d slept pretty well.

He walked to out into the kitchen, finding Hotch. The man was still in his pajamas and was cooking pancakes on the griddle. Hotch smiled when he saw him and immediately handed him a cup of coffee. Reid walked to the bar and sat down, slowly sipping his drink.

A few minutes later, Hotch handed Reid some pancakes and sat next to him. The two ate side by side, talking about nothing in particular.

“Reid.” Hotch said after they’d lapsed into silence for a moment. “I want to talk to you about what happened yesterday.”

Reid frowned, but he nodded, knowing it would be better if he discussed it now rather than later.

“I really tried Hotch, I just… I couldn’t get him to change his mind about-”

“I know Reid.” Hotch interrupted. Reid turned his head to make eye contact with the man as he continued. “I have no doubt you did all you could. Jack had made up his mind before he’d even entered the school. He made up his mind the minute he snuck out of the police department. There’s nothing you could have done. Don’t blame yourself for this, he was going to pull the trigger regardless of what you said to him.”

Reid shook his head slightly, becoming distressed, “If I’d gotten there a little faster- or if I’d figured out where he’d went faster then maybe I could have-”

“Reid. Stop.” Hotch stated. “You’ll drive yourself crazy with ‘what if’s’. We cannot change the past. I know you blame yourself for the unsub’s death, but we can’t save everyone, and his blood is not on your hands.”

Reid nodded. He knew it would take a while before he could actually think that way, but he knew there was some truth to what Hotch was saying. He knew blaming himself would do no one any good, and the man was certainly not an innocent victim, but it was hard not to feel responsible. Still, he would try to take Hotch’s advice.

Hotch smiled, patting Reid on the back. The two began eating once more, returning to a lighter subject of conversation. When they’d finished, they both rinsed their dishes and began walking to separate rooms in order to get dressed and ready for the workday. Before he’d walked all the way out of the room though, Reid stopped, turning around.

“Hotch?” he said. Hotch stopped in his tracks, turning back to face the boy. Reid smiled, “Thanks for inviting me to stay last night. I needed you, even if I didn’t want to admit it.”

Hotch took a few steps forward, gathering Reid into a hug. “You’re always welcome to stay here, Spencer.” He then ended the hug, backing up a bit but not letting go of the kid’s arms. He smiled warmly, looking into his eyes. “I needed you here too.”

Chapter Text

S3 E14
What if Reid hadn’t been able to stop Hotch and Chester from fighting?

Reid wasn’t sure what to make of Chester Hardwick. He was happy that the man had agreed to do an interview with them before he was sentenced to death next week, but he was starting to feel nervous. Something felt off.

Reid had studied his case, reading all the files and reviewing all the crime scenes before they’d flown down to Connecticut to meet with him. He didn’t seem the type who would request to speak with the BAU before death, but that’s why Reid had been a little excited about the whole thing.

They were probably going to uncover a lot of new information into the minds of serial killers who fit his same profile because this profile didn’t tend to request interviews like this.

Perhaps he should have been more confused and concerned at the thought of this. It was likely that there was an alternative motive to his actions. However, he’d been too blinded by the possibility of new information to even think of something like that.

He started to get a pit in his stomach the moment the man began lying to them. Reid knew that Hardwick was aware of the information they had on him. There was no reason to lie to them about things as menial as his childhood because they knew everything there was to know about it already. They really only asked basic questions like those to establish a basis before leaning into inquiries such as “why did you choose to murder her, of all people?” or “did the killing make you feel anything?”

The man seemed uninterested in them. He lied about his childhood questions as well as multiple other baseline questions that Reid had asked. He stood with his back to them, staring out the slightly opened window.

Hotch was becoming agitated. The man had been on edge recently because of the pending divorce and it seemed like he was ready to take out his anger on this prisoner.

Reid attempted to be the mediator and keep the tensions down, but Hotch was really pushing it when the man began to lie to them.

“Why did you ask us here?” Hotch demanded, clearly very pissed off that the man was wasting their time.

“I wanted to smell the air.”

“What?”

“They’ve got me on death watch. 24 hour a day isolation, and I will be until they take me to the death chamber. So I wanted to smell the air one last time before I die.” The man explained. He’d finally turned around and was attempting a stare down with Hotch. “Thank you for giving me that.”

Hotch looked pissed. He turned and began walking towards the door. “Let’s pack it up.”

Reid’s brows furrowed. Were they really going to just walk out without having gathered any information? “Should we at least-”

“No, no.” Hotch interrupted. He pressed the buzzer on the door, indicating to the guards that they wanted to be let out. “Have a nice trip, Chester. You’re going where you belong.” Hotch stated harshly.

Reid began quickly gathering all the papers he’d placed on the table. He heard Hotch ring the buzzer another time as he started shoving things back into his satchel. He stood up, turning to look at Hotch. They shared a confused look with one another before Chester began speaking again.

“it’s 5:17.” The man stated, looking outside once more. He paused for a moment before turning back around to face the two of them. “Evening yard started at 5:00. Guard staff’s outside with the population. There won’t be anyone to open that door for at least… 13 minutes.” The man grabbed one of the crime scene photos from his previous murders and held it up, “and it took me less than five to do this.” A grin spread across his face.

Reid’s mind suddenly connected the dots. This was why the man had wanted them to come. Not to interview him, but because he wanted one last chance to murder someone.

“While you were doing your research,” the man began again, slowly stepping towards Hotch, “maybe a question or two about security tones would have been a good idea.”

“I heard the tones” Hotch stated defensively.

Chester smiled evilly, inching closer and closer to Hotch. “So you planned to be locked inside with me, with no guns or weapons?”

Hotch’s stare got colder, “I won’t need a gun.”

Reid began slowly making his way to the other side of the room, not wanting the man to have them both boxed into one corner. Afterall, there were two of them and only one of him.

“There’s no way they’re gunna execute me next week, not after I kill two FBI agents. You saved by life by coming here.”

“But unfortunately for you, I’m not a five-foot-tall, 100-pound girl. All your life you’ve gone after victims who couldn’t fight back. And the rest of the time you spent looking over your shoulder, worried about the knock on the door, scared that somebody like me would be on the other side waiting to put you away.” Hotch stated, anger in his eyes. He was taking off his jacket and tie, getting ready to fight the man. “At your core, you’re a coward, Chester.”

Reid was shocked when suddenly Chester lunged at Hotch. Hotch easily dodged the punch, delivering one of his own. Reid threw his satchel to the side, ready to try and assist in any way he could, but he wasn’t super handy at hand to hand combat. He watched as the two of them threw punches and kicks. Most of Hotch’s landed, but they weren’t hard enough to completely knock Chester down. Suddenly, the man landed a punch to Hotch’s temple that seemed to be a lucky blow. He watched his superior drop to the ground quickly.

“Hotch!”

Reid froze up completely, terrified. Chester turned to face him, smiling maliciously. He quickly moved towards Reid who knew he didn’t stand much of a chance in this fight. The man swiftly began throwing punches which Reid tried to evade as much as possible. He wasn’t a great fighter but luckily because of his lean frame he was able to dodge quickly.

However, that only worked for a little while because the man had managed to back him into a corner. Reid managed to land two punches before any hit him, but the blows weren’t strong enough to effect Chester all that much.

The first blow Chester landed was to his gut. This made Reid yelp and double over in pain. Before he could recover, the man landed another blow right into his left eye socket. The motion of the punch caused Reid’s head to snap against the wall he’d been pinned against. He dropped to the ground limply, slowly reaching up to clutch his aching head.

‘Great, I’m gunna have a black eye for sure.’ Reid thought, his eye throbbing sharply.

Chester continued his assault, kicking Reid’s ribs continuously. Reid wanted to clutch his ribs, but he couldn’t, choosing to protect his head instead. So, the attack on his ribs continued.

His shoes seemed to be made of lead. Every kick filled with such a power that Reid was smacked back against the wall. He could feel the air leaving his body and wasn’t able to recover quickly enough to fully take a breath. Reid felt as his ribs bruised, then cracked, and possibly eventually snapped from the assault.

It felt like the man was kicking him for hours but, eventually, he stopped. Reid coughed weakly, trying to manage the pain and take a full breath, but the latter seemed impossible. He was certain his chest was currently one big bruise, and his lungs were not cooperating.

Reid’s eyes were blurring, and he was trying not to pass out. A hand appeared around his neck suddenly, lifting him off the ground. Immediately both of Reid’s hands gripped at Chester’s, trying to get him to stop suffocating him. He was being held up against the wall, quickly losing the small amount of air he’d regained. He looked over Chester’s shoulder, seeing Hotch was slowly coming back to himself.

He’d forgotten Hotch was there temporarily, too focused on the pain to think about his surroundings. However, suddenly, he was filled with a new drive. If he passed out, then Chester would go after Hotch again. He needed to stay strong for his father figure, he didn’t want him to get killed too.

Reid needed to stall for time. Hopefully then Hotch could recover enough to possibly save himself, maybe call a guard and get himself out of the room.

Reid sucked in as much air as he could and tried to speak, though it came out as more of a whisper, “do you want to know why you killed those women?”

The man’s grip instantly slackened, and Reid sucked in more air. “What?”

“Earlier you s-said you wish that you were different. I can tell you why you killed them. Why you are… what you are.” He choked out.

The man was clearly intrigued. He let go of Reid’s neck, letting him fall to the ground. Reid coughed for a minute, catching his breath. Something wet and metallic filled his mouth after a bit.

‘Blood.’ He thought, ‘that’s probably not good.’

He glanced over to Hotch, who was standing up slowly. He clutched his head briefly but seemed okay besides that. Reid sighed in relief, glad that he’d get out of this okay. Hotch made eye contact with him, encouraging him to continue the distraction. He was grabbing the chair as silently as he could. Reid just needed to hold Chester’s attention a few more seconds.

“You can tell me why I did the things I did?”

“I th-think so. I do.”

Luckily, before he even had to start whipping something up, Hotch hit the man over the head with the chair. He managed to hit him hard enough to knock him out, and the man fell to the floor, unconscious.

Reid sighed in relief, closing his eyes. Hotch would be okay.

“Reid, keep your eyes open.” Hotch ordered, tapping on his face. Reid complied reluctantly. The pain which he’d temporarily forgotten was catching up with him again.

His eye socket throbbed from being punched and the back of his head was probably bleeding from where it had hit the wall. He could feel blood dripping out of his mouth, probably internal bleeding from all the kicks to his ribs. Speaking of, it really hurt to breath. He could feel a rattling in his chest with every inhale, and he was pretty sure Hotch could hear it.

Hotch grabbed him by the armpits and began gently dragging him away from the man and towards the door. Reid’s head lulled forwards, he was starting to lose consciousness. The edges of his vision were starting to darken.

But he had to hold on for Hotch.

The man propped him up against the wall next to the door. He was insistently pushing the buzzer, hoping anyone would hear it. Reid hung onto the noise, trying to stay awake. He coughed a few times, tasting more blood in his mouth. It began to drip down his chin, but Reid didn’t have the energy to wipe it away.

“Hotch. ‘-re you ‘kay?” He asked wetly. Hotch’s face appeared in his blurring vision. The man clutched his head gently in his hands. His mouth was moving but, weirdly, no words were coming out. Or maybe he just couldn’t hear him anymore. “-m sorry” Reid slurred, vision dropping off again. He began to fall into oblivion, watching Hotch’s face drift further and further away from him until everything was dark.

~

He heard a lot of voices and sirens. They all sounded muffled, like his ears were stuffed with cotton. Reid saw a bright light; it was warm and beckoning him to walk towards it. He began moving forward to the warmth but, suddenly, something pulled him back. He felt a pressure around his right wrist. He didn’t know what it was, but it almost felt like the pressure was telling him not to go, asking him to stay behind. Reid wasn’t sure what to do, but when the pressure became tighter, more desperate, he clung to it, using it to ground himself. He felt as though he needed to hold on to it for some reason, like it wasn’t quite time to reach towards the warm embrace of the light.

When he felt the beckoning of the light again, he resisted. The pressure was no longer there on his wrist, but he remembered it’s desperation. How it pleaded with him to fight. He struggled to hold on, pushing away from it. Reid couldn’t remember why he was fighting, but he knew one thing, he couldn’t let go.

~

Reid awoke in a dark hospital room. His body was aching, especially his torso. He could feel tight wrappings around his ribs. He coughed a few times inadvertently and a hand placed itself on his own.

Reid turned his head to see Hotch sitting beside him. His face was bruised, and he had stitches in his forehead, but he was clearly much better off than Reid currently was. He looked stressed though, and exhausted. He clearly hadn’t slept at all.

Hotch squeezed his hand tightly, worry in his eyes.

“How are you feeling?”

He smiled at the man, “'re you 'kay?” he muttered.

Hotch’s face softened. “I’m perfectly fine Reid, I got a few stitches but nothing serious. Now How are you feeling?”

“I’m fi-”

“If you say fine, I will smack you.” Hotch interrupted seriously, “Spencer, we almost lost you. He broke six of your ribs and cracked a bunch more. Two of them pierced one of your lungs, you were in surgery for four hours. They lost you on the table twice. So please, do not tell me you’re fine.”

“Shit.” Was all Spencer could say. That explained why he felt so poorly. “Uh, yeah. I’m sore and it’s hard to breath, but I’m alive.” He stated, giving Hotch a small smile. The man squeezed his hand again before leaning back in his chair.

Hotch looked as if he might start crying and Reid was not sure what to do. He awkwardly squeezed the man’s hand, hoping to provide some form of reassurance.

Then, Hotch unexpectedly wrapped Reid in a gentle hug, awkwardly leaning over him to avoid squeezing his injuries too much. Reid buried his face in the man’s shoulder, reciprocating the hug as much as he could.

When they separated, Hotch took Reid’s hand once again, as if it was his lifeline.

“Spencer,” He started, not sure what to say, “I watched you code, in the ambulance.” Hotch clenched his jaw, clearly fighting back tears.

Reid swallowed, brows furrowing. He felt bad that he’d had to witness that.

“I held onto your wrist, feeling for a pulse, but it was gone. Your body was still warm, but your heart stopped, your lungs stopped. You were dead, and I felt like I’d lost my son.” A tear fell and Hotch immediately wiped it away.

Reid felt tears fill his own eyes. He was touched that Hotch had cared so much for him. In his heart he knew that they had sort of a father-son relationship going on, but neither of them had outright said it until now. He swallowed the lump in his throat, moved by the man’s statement.

“I just held onto you,” Hotch continued, “begging you to come back. It took a few tries, but eventually you did. But then when I’d heard that you coded again in the OR… I really wasn’t sure you were going to make it. And I don’t know if I would have been able to keep going if you hadn’t, not when I was the one who told the guards to take off Hardwick’s chains.”

Reid squeezed the man’s hand reassuringly. “'s not your fault.” He began, smiling tiredly, “’m glad you’re 'kay.”

Hotch smiled, letting a few more tears flow. He ran his other hand through the kid’s hair affectionately, thankful he was alive.

He thought he’d lost the kid the moment he passed out in the interview room. The ambulance ride had been horrifying and the hours they’d had him in the OR were filled with anxiety.

Walking into the hospital room after the surgery had been horrifying as well. The kid was as white as the sheet except for the black eye he’d sustained. And he was incredibly still, something no one ever used to describe Spencer Reid. So, Hotch had sat and waited, alone in the room, praying that he would be okay.

“The rest of the team is driving down to see you now.” Hotch said, smiling, continuously running his hand through his hair. “Get some more rest, I’m sure they’ll want to talk to you too once they arrive.”

Reid nodded, eyes already drooping from exhaustion. “Love you.” He slurred, already dropping off to sleep.

Hotch kept his hand tightly around Spencer’s, lips quirking into a smile.

“I love you too Spencer.”

Chapter Text

S3 EXTRA

PT1

The case had seemed fairly simple. I mean, no case in the BAU is simple, but it seemed straightforward. A serial arsonist was playing with fire in the panhandle of Idaho. The dry air in that area made for a problematic arsonist, as it was so dry that once one thing was lit, the entire county would burn.

It had become a BAU case when the two more recent cases of arson resulted in people becoming trapped inside the buildings and five people’s deaths had resulted.

The team had flown to Idaho and began investigating the scenes. The fires were all over the place, but the signature was what linked them together. At every scene, there was a weird symbol spray painted on the wall. The black paint was always fresh when they arrived on the scene, seemingly painted right before the fire started. It almost looked like some kind of weird cross that was diagonal, but no one could pinpoint what the importance could be.

The majority of the BAU team worked on a profile, figuring out who this unsub could be.

Meanwhile, Reid took it upon himself to start a geographical profile. He began mapping all of the fires and any other significant places. There didn’t seem to be much of a pattern, only that the unsub was clearly familiar with the small town. He targeted abandoned buildings, shops, houses, and even a restaurant.

Reid wracked his brain, trying to understand the unsub. He stayed up both nights they were there, trying to find the unsub’s logic.

By the third morning Reid was almost manic. He was on a caffeine high, scribbling on the board. He was frustrated and annoyed and tired. He snapped at Hotch when he told him to take a break. This led to his coffee and markers being confiscated, and Hotch kicking him out of the precinct to clear his head.

He knew it was dumb of him to stay awake this long, he probably wasn’t going to get anywhere new. But he was so distressed that he couldn’t sleep anyway, so he had tried to make the most of it.

Reid sulked outside, irritated that he’d been ordered to take a break like a child (even if he’d deserved it). A hand touched his shoulder, causing him to startle.

“ah!” Reid yelped in surprise.

“Hey, woah there buddy, it’s just me.” Prentiss said, concern in her eyes. “Let’s go for a walk alright, you need a break.”

Reid rubbed his temples, attempting to stop the oncoming headache. He nodded silently, following Prentiss as she began leading them away from the precinct.

They walked in silence for a while, taking in the views of the little town. It was pretty cute. The buildings were old and rickety, but in a charming way, and they were sitting in the middle of a mountain range, so the scenery was beautiful.

Reid smiled a little, appreciating the nature. Prentiss smiled when he did, leading them towards a park. The two eventually settled on a bench, enjoying the peacefulness.

Prentiss suddenly interrupted the silence, “You know you can’t fall back into your old habits Spencer. Running yourself into the ground never worked in the past, why do you think it’ll help now?”

Reid sighed, knowing she was right. “I just thought that maybe… I could figure something out before another person dies. I mean there HAS to be a pattern somewhere, I just can’t see it! And if someone else dies before I figure it out, well…” he trailed off, not needing to finish the sentence.

They both knew what he was implying. He would feel responsible, like he could’ve stopped the unsub, but he failed.

“You can’t do that to yourself, Spencer.”

“I know... I can’t help it.” He muttered; eyes downcast.

They lapsed back into silence, once again enjoying the peace. Reid’s mind began to wander involuntarily back towards the case. The map that had been on the board was killing him, there was something there he was missing. It was right under his nose. He just couldn’t figure out what it was.

None of the properties seemed to have any relation to one another, and none of the people who owned the properties did either. It was also strange that the unsub would go back and forth between abandoned buildings and houses with people inside. It was almost like it was more about what he was burning down, and less about who got killed in the process.

Suddenly, it clicked. That was it! He didn’t mean to kill those people; the unsub was trying to say something.

Reid’s mind began to race. “Emily!” he yelled, his mind running in overdrive, “do you have a pen and paper?”

She nodded, confused, and pulled out a notebook and pen.

Reid quickly began writing out the street names that the fires had been set on. All the buildings had been on crossroads in the southwestern corner, so he wrote all of them down.

He began attempting to solve it like an anagram. His brain quickly processed all the possible combinations but couldn’t find anything. Reid then began separating further, pairing north-south roads off and then the east-west roads.

Suddenly, it all became clear. The profile had suggested that the unsub was having some sort of psychotic break, was very disorganized, and was possibly an arsonist for religious reasons, and this linked that together.

“Oh my god.” He said, solving the partially written word.

“What? Spencer what is it?” Emily asked, trying to read his sloppy writing.

“The s-symbol on the wall, it’s not a cross, it-it’s a hammer! A blacksmith’s hammer! And look at this-” he said, tilting the notebook towards her, “if you use all of the north-south roads that were at the intersections of the houses that burned it starts to spell out this: H-E-P-H-A-E-S-T.”

Emily nodded, still confused. “Okay yeah but what does that mean?”

“Its Hephaestus! He’s spelling out Hephaestus! He’s the Greek God of fire! He worked as a blacksmith for the god’s building armor that the other gods wore when they went to battle! I bet our unsub is a blacksmith of some sort, there are a ton of old timey shops like that here, I bet he thinks that if he spells out Hephaestus’ name in fire that he will grant him some sort of power or gift! His psychotic break is making him light these fires, the people just got in the way”

“Okay uh is there any way we can figure out where he’ll strike next?” Prentiss asked, beginning to call up Hotch to alert him of what they’d figured out.

Reid thought back to the map, closing his eyes and using his Eidetic memory to his advantage. He began scanning the street names, looking for one that began with the letter ‘U’. Thankfully it wasn’t a very popularly used letter. There were only five streets in town that began with ‘U’, and only two of them were north-south streets.

‘I need to narrow it down more’ he thought. At any minute the next fire could start. However, there wasn’t a ton of time. Mentally zooming in, he pinpointed what those buildings were. One of the buildings was a house, that one would be problematic. The other was… oh wait! There was no building there! It was an empty lot!

His eyes snapped open, knowing that his location had to be correct. After one more moment he linked the location to where they were. It was only about 0.2 miles away! He stood abruptly.

“I know where he’s going, call Hotch tell them to meet us off of Ursas Street and Regal Ave. and tell them to bring the fire department!” Without another word to Prentiss, Reid began sprinting. There was no time to lose.

He ran as fast as he could, attempting to cross streets without getting hit. He zigzagged his way through the streets. A minute and a half later he arrived, panting, at the house.

The car was in the driveway, so the family was clearly home. He ran his hand through sweaty hair, trying to catch his breath. The house wasn’t up in flames yet, but that didn’t mean the unsub wasn’t already inside.

He glanced around the neighborhood, spotting an ancient looking white van sitting diagonally across the road. That was the car they’d profiled for the unsub. Reid’s heart sped up once more, and he quickly drew his weapon. He knew he should probably wait for backup, but he didn’t think there was enough time.

He was going in.

Walking stealthily to the door, he took a deep breath before opening.

He cleared the rooms quickly. No one was on the main level. The whole house smelled of gasoline though; that couldn’t be good. Looking down at his feet he realized the floors had practically been soaked. If there was one spark, the whole house would ignite. He heard noise coming from upstairs. It sounded like yelling.

Reid made his way up the stairs, keeping his gun drawn. He cleared a few more rooms before heading towards the source of the noise. The closed door at the end of the hall. He made his way forward, the yelling becoming louder and louder as he approached. He noticed another trail of gasoline, leading down the edges of the hallway.

“Shut up! Shut up! You’re a sacrifice for which I cannot spare! It isn’t my fault you were home today! You could have saved yourselves!” the unsub was screaming.

Reid quickly busted the door open, aiming his gun at the unsub.

“FBI!” He yelled. the room was a mess and the smell of gasoline was very strong. A woman was tied up with rope, duct tape over her mouth sitting on the floor. She had an abrasion on the back of her head, clearly, he’d blitzed her. Her two small children were sitting next to her, unhurt but fear in their eyes.

“I have to sacrifice you too now. You shouldn’t have come here!” the man yelled, holding his lighter. High in the air.

“Put the lighter down!” Reid yelled. “Hephaestus wouldn’t be pleased to know you’ve let people burn in his fire,” he attempted to reason, “he used his fire to create things, you’re using it to destroy, he wouldn’t like that!”

“NO, NO, NO!”

“Please, put the lighter down! I don’t want to hurt you!”

The unsub shook his head in anger. A look passed his eyes and Reid knew he was screwed. He should’ve waited for backup; the man had made up his mind.

“Don’t!” Reid yelled.

The lighter seemed to ignite and drop in slow motion. Reid lunged forwards, trying to grab the lighter midair, but he missed. He fell to the floor, luckily out of the way of the gasoline, and the room immediately ignited. The unsub stood in the fire, screaming, but he’d accepted his fate.
Reid focused on the family, he needed to save them.

He pulled himself off the ground, scrambling over to the mother.

“Run kids run!” He ordered the children, hoping they’d at least make it out of the room. The two turned and bolted out the door, the older dragging the younger by the hand. Reid grabbed his pocketknife. He quickly took the duct tape off her mouth and sliced through the ropes. Once they were off, he helped her up and began herding her towards the door. The room had lit up quickly, and the flames were licking Reid’s skin.

In the hallway, the two kids were waiting. The rest of the upstairs had seemed to ignite, and he was sure the downstairs would follow soon if it hadn’t already. The mother picked up the youngest child, cradling her in her arms.

“Go, go, GO!” Reid yelled, herding them down the hall to the stairs. He trailed behind, making sure their path was clear. Suddenly a room seemed to explode next to him. The man must have soaked it in gasoline because it sounded like a big boom. They ran down the staircase quickly. Everyone was coughing and the kids were crying, scared. The downstairs was engulfed in flames. There was no way to get out through the front door. It seemed that the large blast Reid had heard was the floor collapsing into the downstairs. Debris was all over the place.

Reid began coughing while he tried to figure a way out. He ran down an adjacent hallway, grabbing the handle of a closed door. He yelped in pain, pulling his hand back. The knob was scorching hot and had burned him badly.

“Do you have a back door or anything?” He yelled.

The woman nodded, pointing the opposite direction. Reid nodded, beginning to rejoin the group when he heard a creak from above. The older child looked up as well and Reid’s heart jumped. The ceiling above the kid was going to collapse.

Without a second thought Reid dove forwards, pushing the child out of the way just in time. However, he wasn’t so lucky. The ceiling came down on him, pinning Reid to the ground. He felt all the air get pushed out of his lungs and his body screamed in pain. There was heat all around him and he couldn’t breathe.

Arms were grabbing his and he lazily opened his eyes. The woman was trying to pull him out. Reid shook his head, waving her away.

“Go!” He yelled as loud as he could, “Get out of here!”

She opened her mouth to protest but he cut her off.

“There isn’t time! Save your kids!” she paused, tears filling her eyes and she nodded. She picked up the smaller child and grabbed the other one’s hand. She sent one last thankful nod at Reid before sprinting down the other hallway.

Reid coughed, watching her retreat.

‘Please, God, let them get out.’ He prayed. He began to cough even more as the smoke inhalation was taking its toll. It was so hot; he was sticky with sweat and something else too.

‘Probably blood’ he surmised, considering his current situation. Reid moved his arms, luckily neither of them had been pinned. He attempted to lift the debris, but it was too heavy, and he was weakening by the minute. His ankle felt broken and his back was incredibly bruised. He could feel heat licking at his legs, but because he couldn’t move his ankle out from where it was caught, he was stuck

Reid began coughing again. It was becoming harder and harder to catch his breath. He suddenly heard a noise coming from the hallway the family had run down. Light was filtering into the hall, a different light, like light from the outside rather than from flames.

Reid was becoming exhausted from the effort and lack of oxygen. He became unable to keep his eyes open. His coughs became smaller and smaller until his lungs stopped cooperating completely. Reid knew that he needed to try to take another breath, but his body was telling him to stop, to succumb to the unconsciousness.

An echoing voice yelled something as he took one final, shallow breath. This was it. He was dying. His lungs gave up and Reid stopped fighting.

Chapter Text

PT2

When Prentiss had arrived to see the burning building and no Reid, her heart almost stopped. He was almost certainly inside. But it wasn’t until the woman and her two kids ran out the back that she realized that there was a good chance he wouldn’t be coming back out.

Prentiss cursed, she should’ve immediately followed Reid when he’d run off, but she didn’t have a mental map of the city like he did. She had to input the address into her phone and navigate after she’d gotten off the phone with Hotch. She was too slow.

When the woman and kids came out, Prentiss immediately began to sprint towards the house. However, her path was blocked by a tearful Morgan.

“Prentiss you can’t go in there.”

“Reid’s in there! He needs help!”

“I know but you don’t wanna get trapped too, the firefighters are more prepared, they’re in their gear, let them get him out.” She tried to push against him but instead he pulled her into a tight hug. “They’ll get him out.” She began to cry in his arms, praying that they’d get him out.

The team stood, watching the house burn in fear. Not one person had a dry eye, hoping that their youngest member was still alive. He’d sacrificed his own life to save the family, something they were all prepared to do but hoped would never come to pass.

Ten agonizing minutes later, a body was being carried out. Everyone seemed to hold their breath as the firefighter made their way towards the medics. The body was covered in soot and blood but was awkwardly lanky and had long tangled hair.

“Reid!” Prentiss yelled, rushing towards the EMTs. She let out a sigh of relief when they immediately placed an oxygen mask over his face. “He’s alive.” She whispered. She thanked whatever god had been looking out for the kid, rubbing her eyes in relief. JJ joined her, then Hotch and Morgan, all watching as the kid’s chest gently rose and fell.

The EMTs began loading him up to go to the hospital and Prentiss volunteered to go with. The rest of the team would meet them there.

The ride to the hospital was stressful. His oxygen levels were very low, and they almost lost him. The EMTs were attempting to wipe off the soot so that they could locate any injuries. His ankle was the most obvious problem, it was bent at a weird angle and clearly had been broken. Thankfully they didn’t find any head injuries, but there were still lots of places they hadn’t checked yet.

By the time they arrived, Reid’s ankle had been set, but they still needed to take him into get it x-rayed, to determine whether he needed surgery.

During the whole process, Reid didn’t stir. Though his body was receiving healthy air, he’d breathed in way too much smoke. The medical professionals whisked him off as they arrived, leaving Prentiss to wait in the lobby.

The rest of the team arrived a few minutes later. They were sure Reid would make it, but there was no way to know how long he’d be unconscious.

“Spencer Reid”

The team perked up, gathering around the nurse who’d called his name.

“Are you his family?”

“Yes.” They all said simultaneously.

“Well Dr. Reid is very lucky. The most severe of his injuries was the broken ankle. Luckily, the break was clean, and he won’t need surgery. His back is severely bruised, but nothing too serious. He had a second-degree burn on his hand and a few small burns and bruises on other parts of his body but, for the most part, he was fairly unscathed. He did inhale a lot of smoke, however, in a few days his lungs should be able to recover.”

The team looked at one another, relief on their faces. Prentiss stepped forward, inquiring; “May we see him?”

“He’s resting, but one of you can go in.”

Prentiss looked back at the team and they nodded, all knowing how she needed to see him. She followed the doctor back to his room; thankful he was okay.

~

Reid let out a groan. His head was fuzzy and aching, and his body felt as though he got run over by a car. His ankle was throbbing and so was his palm. He couldn’t remember where he was. He reached up to his face without opening his eyes. There was something over his mouth. He quickly ripped it off without a second thought.

Thinking back, Reid retraced the day. They’d been at the station, doing the case, then… he went to the park and… The fire!

Reid forced his eyes open, bolting awake. He had to make sure the family made it out!

“Fire!” he yelled, throat stinging. There were beeping noises and an alarm was going off. He couldn’t breathe, there was too much smoke. Reid began choking on the air, coughing and gagging in pain.

Something was pinning him down. The debris! He was trapped!

“Help!”

He heard a lot of yelling, but he just continued to struggle, hoping he could free himself from beneath the debris. He continued coughing, getting weaker and weaker with each gasp. Something was put on his mouth again; someone was trying to suffocate him!

He continued thrashing against an invisible force until he felt a pinch in his arm. His body began to relax against his will. This was it; he was going to die in the fire. He tugged his eyes open seeing Prentiss. She looked distressed and afraid.

He reached an arm out towards her weakly.

“Run.” He whispered before he let his eyes droop close, accepting his fate.

******

The next time Reid woke, it was much slower. He was gradually drifting towards the sound of voices, each one calm and affectionate.

“-ome on sp-ce. Y- -an do -t.”

“-encer. Spencer.”

“Op- -our eyes.”

Reid’s eyes sluggishly blinked open. His team members were standing around the room, staring at him. His brows furrowed as he realized how sore he was.

He was sitting in a hospital bed. Slowly, he began taking inventory. It looked like he’d broken his ankle, and considering the soreness of his back, it was very bruised. His hand was throbbing in pain and his throat was very sore.

Reid remembered the fire, being pinned by the debris, and it made sense. Somehow, they’d gotten him out in time.

“Hey there Spence.” JJ said from his side.

“Welcome back to the land of the living” Rossi stated, smiling.

Reid opened his mouth to speak, but his throat was so dry and sore that he ended up coughing instead. He reached up to pull the mask off his face, but a hand stopped him.

“Pretty boy, leave it there, it’s helping you.”

Reid nodded, trying to catch his breath. Hotch handed him a few ice chips, which Morgan helped him slid under the mask into his mouth. Immediately his felt relief, the cold working wonders on his ripped-up throat.

Prentiss gripped his unburned hand tightly. He squeezed her hand back, giving a small smile. The rest of the team seemed to exchange glances and begin retreating out of the room.

“We’ll be back in a little bit,” Hotch said as they left, “I’m glad you’re awake Spencer.”

Reid nodded again, watching him leave. He turned towards Prentiss, who was beginning to look angry. His brows furrowed in confusion. She suddenly slapped him on the arm where he was uninjured.

“Ack!” Reid yelped, taken by surprise.

“Next time you pull some dumb shit like that again I’m gunna kick your ass Spencer.” Reid was confused as to what she was referring to, so she continued. “I was standing right next to you and you bolt off to a burning building alone?! For a doctor you’re kind of a dumb bitch. If you hadn’t left me in the dust, we could’ve gone in together.”

She sighed looking down, “when the woman and her kids ran out without you… I thought you were…” she trailed off; anger being replaced with sadness. “You know, we all think of you as the kid brother of the group, we’re all protective of you, but it’s not just because of your age.”

Prentiss looked up, making eye contact with Reid. She took a breath before continuing, “You look out for everyone but yourself. You put everyone else’s life ahead of your own. I know you didn’t choose to stay in that building, but I do know that you left me on purpose. You left me because you didn’t want to risk me getting hurt, but you didn’t care if you did.”

She paused briefly, contemplating her next statement; “Because you think that your life is worth less than mine.”

Reid was shocked, he’d never told that to anyone. His brows shot up in surprise. That was one of those thoughts that he’d contemplate in the night, when he was alone and couldn’t sleep, or when he was sad and afraid. Other people weren’t supposed to know about that. He looked away from her, ashamed that she’d figured him out. She probably agreed with him.

“Spencer.” She placed her hand on his chin, lifting his eyes to meet her own, “you’re wrong. Your life isn’t worth less than anyone else’s.” His brows shot up in shock. “You’ve helped so many people, and I know that you feel responsible when we lose a victim, but this team needs you here, alive. We love you and we need you, and you need to remember that we’re a team for a reason. You shouldn’t be running off alone to protect us, we can protect each other if we work together.”

Reid wasn’t sure he believed that his life was worth the same as the rest of the team’s, but he nodded anyways. He wasn’t in a position to argue regardless, and Prentiss’s following statement did make a lot of sense.

He often forgot they were a team, having had to rely on himself alone for so long. But he’d try to remember because he did need the team a lot more than he’d care to admit.

Reid reached out to her, awkwardly attempting a hug. She leaned in, wrapping her arms around him delicately. When they separated, she smiled, cupping his cheek.

Reid coughed a bit, clearing his throat before he whispered a very rough ‘thank you’.

A few days later, Reid was discharged from the hospital with a clear-ish bill of health. His hand was still healing, and ankle broken, but his lungs had recovered, and back was healing.

He was now able to talk again, for which he was thankful. The younger members of the team had been driving him crazy, purposely asking questions he couldn’t answer and teasing him insistently. Not being able to talk was awful.

He’d be on a crutch for a while but, luckily, he’d probably be walking in a boot relatively soon.

Reid took what Emily had said to heart, pondering her statement while sitting in the jet, staring out the window. When he was younger, he’d just assumed that some people’s lives were worth less than others. Maybe it was because of his abandonment issues or the loneliness he felt, but he’d always assumed his life was fairly disposable.

That’s why he worked so fast. That’s why at 26, he had three PhDs and four bachelor’s degrees. That’s why he tended to be surprised at each new birthday, shocked he’d made it this long.

But something about her statement had stuck with him, it had him pondering a new thought; maybe he’d been wrong, maybe you couldn’t assign worth to one’s life. Perhaps his life was just as important as the rest of the teams.

He wasn’t sure if he’d ever truly know the answer, but there was one thing he knew for sure.

His family would always be there for him. They’d always have his back.

Chapter Text

S4 EXTRA

Their unsub was drowning people in bathtubs in a small Minnesotan town. A weird choice, but an identifiable signature for sure. So far, he’d been drowning couples, and it seemed that the gender didn’t matter, as long as they were in pairs.

They’d determined that the unsub was reckless, and he wouldn’t stop when they caught him. Most likely, he’d try and commit suicide by cop and there was no way he would stop killing until they found him.

He was beginning to get bolder, shifting from bathtubs in private homes to a hot tub at a hotel, then a pool at a rec center. The team was getting nervous, knowing they needed to catch him soon or they’d have a whole lot more bodies on their hands in the next few days.

Reid had been doing what he did best, geographical profiling and victimology. He stood at the board, staring at the crime scene photos. They had just gotten a report of a new scene and Hotch and Rossi had left to check it out. JJ and Prentiss were at one of the victim’s family member’s houses. Morgan appeared at Reid’s side, handing him a coffee which Reid immediately began sipping on.

“I feel like were missing something obvious.” Reid wondered aloud.

“This guy is one sick bastard, what else do we need to know?” Morgan stated, sitting down.

“I don’t know…” Reid trailed off. It seemed like he was randomly hitting places now, desperately trying to fulfill his need to kill. He was staying in a comfort zone with a five-mile radius, but still, it was hard to predict where he’d go next.

Morgan’s phone rang and he quickly answered it, placing it on speaker.

“What’s up Hotch?”

“Morgan, we have a problem.”

Reid turned around, sharing a concerned look with Morgan. “What is it?”

“There’s only one body here.”

Reid’s brows shot up, “He kills in pairs,” he said.

“He’ll need to kill again soon.” Morgan finished Reid’s thought for him.

“Who’s the victim?” Reid asked, “is there an ID?”

“We’re getting one now, I’ll phone Garcia and see if they had a significant other that the unsub might target next.”

After a moment, Garcia’s voice rang through the phone.

“This is the BAU Queen how may I be of service?”

“Garcia I need you to run a name, Wilbur Robinson.”

The sound of tapping on a keyboard rung through as Garcia imputed the name into her system.

“Okay I got him; Wilbur Robinson married to a Melissa Robinson at 5877 Watercress Drive.”

Reid spun around, looking at the map. It was about a twenty-minute drive from the precinct, Hotch and Rossi were closer. He relayed the information and Hotch hung up. They would be heading there now.

Reid shook his head. “This doesn’t make any sense.”

“What?” Morgan asked.

“Garica, are you still there.”

“I hear you loud and clear Junior G-man what can I do for you?”

Reid thought for a moment before speaking. “Can you see what Mrs. Robinson does for a living, or if they belong to any gyms?”

Garcia tapped on her keyboard and Morgan gave him a questioning look. “What are you thinking pretty boy?”

“He’s getting bolder and bolder with where he drowns people. He wouldn’t work his way up to a public place like a pool, just to go back to killing people in their houses again. He’s desperate to kill but he has to do it right to get any satisfaction. I wouldn’t be surprised if he were bold enough to drive her someplace and drown her elsewhere.”

Morgan nodded, agreeing with his logic. Then, Garcia seemed to find something.

“Oh no this is not good.”

“What is it Garcia?” Reid questioned.

“Mrs. Robinson is actually Doctor Robinson; she works as lead marine biologist on the lake right outside of town.” She paused a moment before speaking once more, “Guys according to her logs she left work about forty minutes ago, he might already have her.”

Reid did some quick calculations in his head. It looked like it would be about a twenty-five-minute drive from her house to the lake meaning that if the unsub had been waiting for her when she got home, he was probably going to be arriving back at the lake with her in about ten minutes.

Luckily, it looked like the precinct was only eight minutes away from the entry point into the lake.

Reid turned, “We have to go now” he said, already heading out of the precinct. Morgan grabbed the car keys, quickly catching up to him.

The two of them jumped in the car and Morgan immediately threw him his Kevlar vest. Morgan began driving, simultaneously pulling on his vest. Reid undid the velcro and slid it on as quickly as he could. They didn’t have a lot of time.

“Go right here!” Reid yelled and Morgan turned sharply at the last second.

“A little warning would be helpful next time.”

“Sorry, I didn’t realize how fast you were going”

“Well we wanna get there on time, don’t we?!”

“DEREK I’m not criticizing you, just drive, left at the next light!”

The two of them sped along, praying that they would make it to the lake before the unsub. When they pulled up to the lake entry, there was an old sedan sitting there, two of the doors left open. The unsub must have beat them there, but that didn’t mean Melissa wasn’t still alive. Running towards the lake, there were two ways to go. The two of them had to split up.

Morgan ran down towards the edge of the lake, where there was an obscured swamp. Reid ran towards the ancient looking cabin that was sitting right on the edge of the water.

Walking carefully around the place, Reid found the door. He thought he could hear some noise coming from inside. It sounded like he was already drowning her.

“Morgan, he’s in the cabin, I’m going in” He whispered into his earpiece. Reid opened the door, quickly stepping in. However, he wasn’t prepared for the broken floorboards and he ungracefully stumbled into water. Luckily, he didn’t fall over, but it took him a moment to regain his positioning. He was standing in water up to his hips.

The unsub was standing in the water, as well. the house had broken apart over years of damage. Some of the floor was still intact but a lot of it had rotted away, replacing most of the ground with a large pool of water instead.

By the time his gun was trained against the man again, he’d thrown Melissa’s still body out of the water but had a gun trained against her forehead.

“I’ll do it! I will!”

“Please, put the gun down, no one else has to die today.”

“Yes, she does, she has to die” he kept the gun trained on Melissa, but slowly began backing towards the wall.

“She doesn’t have to die today, and neither do you. Now please, put the gun down.”

The unsub’s tone quickly shifted from fear and anger to peace. Reid was unsettled by this, typically with unsubs of this nature, that was a bad sign. He spoke up again, “Whatever you’re thinking, don’t do it. I don’t want to have to shoot you.”

The unsub began to smile softly, lowering the weapon. He placed it on the table gently, but he looked malicious. Reid took another step forward in the water, reaching for the weapon when he saw it.

There was an exposed wire behind the man, and if it shocked him, it would shock Reid too. Before he could react, the man shoved his body backwards against the wire.

“Wait!”

Reid immediately screeched in pain, electricity coursing through his body. It was unlike anything he’d ever felt. His whole body screamed, feeling like there was fire inside of him. His muscles were contracting against his will, body flailing. He realized vaguely that he was falling into the water, but he was in too much agony to realize.

It was like someone had set his blood on fire. He was being scorched from the inside out.

It felt like a year had passed before the electricity ceased, and his body continued to twitch with aftershocks. His vision was darkening quickly, and he began to sink further to the ground, limp.

When his head became submerged underwater, Reid knew he had reason to be alarmed, but he didn’t have enough energy.

His body still felt white hot with pain and electricity, but the water was freezing cold and he was shaking. When he began choking on the water, his body surrendered, exhausted. Reid felt his eyes slip close, but still held on to a tiny thread of consciousness.

The water around him began to move after a minute or so, and hands grabbed under his armpits. He was being dragged up onto the remaining floor of the house, where Melissa had been thrown.

‘Hopefully she didn’t get electrocuted’ Reid vaguely thought to himself, mind moving slowly. He barely registered the fingers touching his neck, feeling for a pulse. ‘I need to breath’ he thought, realizing he hadn’t been.

As hands made their way to his sternum, Reid attempted a breath. He immediately began weakly coughing and was rolled onto his side. After a minute he was able to take very shallow breaths, not having enough energy to expel all the water from his lungs.

There was yelling around him, but he didn’t catch the words, only that they were loud. He unconsciously flinched away. His body was quaking, muscles exhausted and sore. Reid could feel tingling in his extremities and his legs were burning. He still couldn’t fully take a breath and his chest felt tight.

Reid’s breath began to slow again as he started slipping away once more. However, before he could a hand pounded on his back. He gagged in surprise, choking up more water. By the time he finished, he didn’t have the strength to open his eyes.

He registered that someone was gathering him into their arms, but he just hung, limply. Reid was barely holding consciousness. They were moving now, his head lulled against the person’s chest as they bounced up and down. They kept him close and he inadvertently leaned towards their warmth.

Reid felt himself being set down on something hard. Hands were all around him now, covering him with something, feeling for a pulse, placing something on his face. But Reid couldn’t react, he couldn’t move. He barely felt them.

He drifted in and out of consciousness. Sometimes he heard voices and beeping. Other times he thought he saw a blurry figure. But he didn’t fully wake up. His body was too heavy. He was too tired.

When Reid finally did pull his eyes open, he was back in the hospital. Morgan was standing over him.

“M’gn?”

“Kid!” He yelled, relief in his voice. Morgan immediately gave him a delicate hug; which Reid could barely reciprocate. “I’m so glad you’re awake. It’s been four days.”

“Mmmm” Reid’s brow furrowed but was too exhausted to react much more. The doctor and nurses immediately came in, checking his vitals and asking him a series of questions, which he barely stayed awake through. By the time they left, Reid was already drifting back to sleep.

Morgan kept his hand on his arm, needing to make sure the kid was still alive.

Reid awoke the next day, a little more coherent. He was still incredibly sore and tired, but his brain was functioning a little better than before.

Morgan was still there, sitting at his bedside. The man looked awful; he probably hadn’t left the hospital in the past five days.

The nurses came in once more, checking his vitals. It seemed that the water had completely left his lungs, finally, which was good news. He had burns all over his body, but they were healing well. The worst burn was on his chest, and it would probably scar, but thankfully nothing had gotten infected. They changed his dressing before leaving the two alone in the room.

Reid turned his head towards Morgan, smiling lightly.

“Morgan, you should get some sleep. You look like shit.”

Morgan laughed at this, “You’re telling me I look bad? You should look in a mirror there, pretty boy. Getting electrocuted hasn’t done you any favors.”

Reid chuckled, smiling at this. He knew he probably looked awful, he hadn’t eaten anything in five days and was electrocuted for god’s sake, but he didn’t really care to be honest.

“I’m not going anywhere Reid; I’m staying right here with you until you walk out of the hospital.”

Reid shook his head; the man was unbelievable. He’d do the same thing, but still.

“Fine.” Reid said. He began attempting to scoot over. It proved more difficult as his muscles were still shaky and he wasn’t able to move himself very far, but the gesture was still there.

“I’m not getting in bed with you kid, you need the rest more than me.”

“I’ll sleep better knowing you’re resting too Derek.” He patted the bed. “Please?” Reid gave his best puppy dog eyes. He was sure they would work as he looked even more pathetic than usual, plus, they always worked on Derek.

Morgan rolled his eyes, but he smiled. He stood, picking Reid up and moving him over more, than laying down on the bed next to him. Reid immediately turned on his side and snuggled his head against Derek’s chest. The man immediately wrapped his arm protectively around the kid’s back, avoiding his injuries, and hugged him close.

Reid fell asleep almost immediately in his arms, breathing shallow, but steadily. Morgan followed soon after, exhaustion hitting him hard.

Rossi came by the room a few hours later. He smiled at the sight of the two and was happy Morgan was finally getting some rest. He quickly took a picture; this would be one for the books.

Reid spent two full weeks in the hospital, recovering from the electrocution and letting his burns heal. When he left, he still needed a bit more time to recover, but his burns were almost healed, and he was able to walk around for twenty minutes without getting exhausted.

He was ecstatic when Morgan and he boarded the plane, excited to get back to DC. The rest of the team had left a few days ago, a new case came in that they couldn’t put off, but Morgan stayed behind with Reid.

He immediately laid down on the couch, wanting to take a nap.

“Already tired?” Morgan jeered and Reid weakly hit him as he walked past.

“Why don’t you try getting electrocuted and see how you like it?” Reid joked. The two shared a laugh as Reid closed his eyes, already drifting off.

Morgan covered the kid with a blanket a few minutes later, happy he’d fallen asleep so quickly. He needed all the rest he could get. He had felt so guilty when he’d found him, unconscious in the water. The scream that the kid had let out was still haunting him. But, Reid had made it clear that he didn’t blame him, so he shouldn’t blame himself.

All Morgan could do now was be thankful that Reid survived, unlike the unsub, and take care of him as he recovered.

He looked at his screensaver on his phone. Rossi had texted it to their group chat a little over a week ago. He’d come by when he and Reid had been asleep on the hospital bed. Morgan was embarrassed at first, but he had to admit that the photo was adorable.

It reminded him that Reid was alive and recovering. Soon, he’d be back to his normal self, and the team would be whole once more.

Chapter Text

S4 E2

Reid was wound up fairly tight. He hadn’t slept in two days, working purely off of coffee and a minimal amount of food. He was stressed from the case, the constant pressure he’d been under to decode the letters became a bit too much. He was starting to crack, but the case was more important.

Then, when Hotch bent over in pain at the loud gunshot, he felt even more anxiety. He hadn’t even realized how much the man had been suffering and he felt horribly guilty. Hotch had always looked out for him, yet here he was, ignoring the man’s problems.

He didn’t get a chance to apologize for his ignorance either. He’d planned on doing it on the plane, but the man stayed behind, deciding to drive instead. Reid thought about volunteering to drive with him, but he wasn’t sure he’d be great company, knowing he’d probably pass out fairly soon.

When they arrived on the plane though, he couldn’t rest. His stomach was twisted with shame. Not only about Hotch, but also about the case. If he could’ve worked a little faster, realized there was code sooner, he might have been able to save more people and, possibly, save the unsub as well.

Reid sat across from a sleeping Derek, staring intently out the window. When he was certain everyone was asleep, he quietly stood, sneaking into the bathroom. There, he let himself break.

He cried silently, sitting on the floor. He ended up making himself sick due to his guilt, expelling mostly coffee into the toilet.

When Reid had calmed down a bit, he wiped his eyes, checking himself in the mirror.

He looked like a wreck. His under-eyes looked bruised and hair was limp. His face looked a little too gaunt and his eyes were red from tears.

Reid rinsed his mouth with water and splashed his face a bit, hoping to wake himself up. He stood, clutching the sink for a few more minutes, attempting to eliminate his feelings of shame, but to no avail.

Eventually he surrendered to them, walking out of the bathroom in despair. He immediately plopped back into his seat, relieved to see Morgan was still asleep. He wouldn’t suspect a thing.

Reid quickly closed his eyes, feigning rest, attempting to bury his guilt.

Little did he know a concerned Rossi had watched him from across the jet.

When the jet landed, the team quietly walked to the car, everyone exhausted from the last few days. They quickly drove to the office, everyone wanting to part ways and sleep for the next 24 hours.

When they arrived back at the BAU, the team dispersed, most people grabbing their things and immediately leaving. Rossi walked up to his office, carefully watching the team, eyes mostly focused on the youngest member. He wasn’t certain what was going on with the young man, but he knew something was wrong. It wasn’t just exhaustion, there was something else hiding behind his eyes.

Reid slowly made his way to his desk, sitting down with a huff. As much as he wanted to go home and sleep, he thought he might be better off just hanging at the office and burying himself in paperwork for a few hours first.

He sat, thinking, for longer than he realized, and he flinched when a hand appeared on his shoulder.

“Reid. Go home. Get some rest.” Rossi stated softly.

Reid looked up at the man and shook his head. “I’m alright,” he quirked a small unconvincing smile, “I’ll head out in a few minutes, see you tomorrow.” Reid turned back towards his work, dismissing the conversation, but Rossi was not done.

The man placed his hands on the chairback, physically turning Reid around. The kid stared at him with slight shock and confusion as Rossi picked up Reid’s satchel and threw it gently in his lap.

“Come on. You can come to my place.” Reid looked unsure, but Rossi further enticed him; “I’ll make you Tonnarelli a Cacio e Pepe”

Reid’s face softened a bit at this, and immediately his stomach growled. It was loud enough that Rossi smirked, and Reid hung his head a bit, surrendering.

He stood, following the older agent out to the parking garage. They loaded in his car and rode in a comfortable silence. Reid was blinking lethargically but did not fall asleep.

When they arrived at Rossi’s, Reid smiled. It had been a while since he’d been over, he didn’t realize how much he’d missed their family gatherings. He opened the door, stumbling slightly out of the car, but he righted himself quickly.

He nervously followed Rossi inside, feeling weary that he’d been invited over alone. He and Rossi got along well, but they didn’t often do things just the two of them outside of cases, which made him feel slightly awkward. He also knew that Rossi had probably been worried about his lack of sleep as he had been the one retrieving him coffee while he was translating code.

The man immediately went to the kitchen and began cooking. Reid sat down in the living room, sinking into the comfortable chair. He closed his eyes, worries forgotten.

He sat in peace for a few minutes before the guilt made its way back into his mind. He thought back to Hotch, all the obvious signs that he’d displayed during the case of not being back to 100% yet.

Reid should’ve said something.

He should’ve offered some advice, or at the very least some support. Instead he just ignored the man’s pain, invested in the code. The stupid code. The ridiculously brilliant code that took him far too long to figure out. His brain wasn’t fast enough, and they’d ended up losing two more people because of him.

Reid felt shame pool in his stomach once more, pain in his heart. This must’ve been what Gideon felt like too. This was why the man carried pictures of the people he saved, because the guilt of those he couldn’t get to was too much.

He was startled out of his thoughts when Rossi shook him lightly. His eyes snapped open in surprise, the man was standing above him, hints of concern on his face.

“Food’s ready.” He said simply, turning back towards the kitchen.

Reid shook his head, clearing his mind. He stood shakily and made his way to the kitchen.

He took a seat at the small table Rossi had set up, smiling as the man served him some pasta. He instantly smiled at the smell, Tonnarelli a Cacio e Pepe was his favorite. It was simple, yet delicious, and Rossi made it better than anyone.

He began digging in, quickly filling his empty stomach. It only took him a few minutes to clear his plate, and he was ready to slide into a food coma.
However, Rossi pointedly looked at him, giving him the ‘I’m about to lecture you for some reason because I’m your parent’ face.

Reid sighed, sitting up a little taller, making eye contact.

“Hotch is gunna be okay, you know that, right?” Reid was taken aback. He was expecting something along the lines of ‘stop running yourself into the ground, you need to take better care of yourself, blah blah blah’. That was a lecture he frequented with Hotch.

He didn’t expect Rossi to bring up his guilt about Hotch. He thought he hid that one pretty well.

‘The plane’ he thought, mentally face palming. ‘he must’ve seen me on the plane. Shit.'

Reid nodded, dropping his eyes.

“His ear will heal, and he’ll be back in the field in no time. He just came back a little premature, something I know you’re familiar with doing.” Reid blushed at this but didn’t comment. “He’ll be okay.” Rossi placed his hand on Reid’s offering reassurance.

“I should’ve n-noticed.” Reid said, sadly looking up at Rossi. “Hotch always looks out for me but when he needed someone to look out for him I-…” Reid trailed off, swallowing the lump in his throat. He clenched his jaw, fighting off tears. “I let him down. I should’ve realized-… I should’ve done something… I was so caught up with the case and… but he would’ve noticed” Reid finished his convoluted statement, shaking his head.

Rossi tilted his head, leaning forward a bit, “He would have, you’re right, because Hotch is the leader of our group. It’s his job to make sure that everyone’s head is in the game. I know your relationship goes deeper than that, but still… I know he doesn’t blame you, in fact I’m sure he’d be upset to find out that you were upset for not saying anything to him when he was trying to hide his injury from you.”

Reid looked up as Rossi continued, “You did your job during this case, and you did a damned good job. None of the rest of us could have accomplished what you did, and we wouldn’t have been able to save the last victim if it weren’t for you. You sacrificed your own health, which I don’t fully condone, for this case. I’m proud of you, and so is the rest of the team, including Hotch.”

Reid nodded at Rossi, giving a small smile. He felt much better, guilt washing away slowly.

“Now let’s get you to bed, okay?”

Reid stood slowly, body shaking from effort. He was feeling the exhaustion now, ready to collapse in a warm bed.

Rossi made his way over to the kid who was looking like he might pass out at any second. He placed the kid’s arm around his own shoulder and wrapped an arm around his waist, guiding him to the guest bedroom. He sat the kid on the bed and left to get his Go-bag.

Rossi fished out the kid’s pjs and handed them to him. He lethargically changed, exhaustion in his every move. When he finished, he quickly plopped back on the mattress.

“G’night Rossi. Thank you.”

Rossi smiled, shutting off the light.

“You’re welcome, kid.”

Chapter Text

S4 E3

PT1

When Benjamin Cyrus had offered him the chance to leave, it was hard for Reid to say no. But it only took him a second to turn the offer down. He knew that his team members probably would’ve been mad at him for this choice, but it was Reid’s fault that Emily’s life was on the line, and he had to stay in the building to make sure she got out.

He felt so guilty that he hadn’t stepped forward. When he heard Emily’s screams and grunts coming from the room, his heart felt like it was being stomped on. And when he’d seen her a few hours later, cuts and bruises all over her face, a wave of hot shame poured over him and guilt pooled in his stomach.

This was his fault.

She was injured because of his stupidity, and his fear.

Reid shook his head, refocusing on the present. It was clear that Mr. Cyrus was ready to go down in a blaze of fire, taking as many people with him as he could. They’d hoped a surprise attack would work on them, but it seemed that he was too smart to fool.

As Mr. Cyrus looked out the front doors, realizing that something was wrong, Reid swallowed nervously. He knew that Prentiss was going to try her best to get the women and children out, and he needed to make sure that he gave the FBI and SWAT teams enough time to get as many people out as possible.

But the man looked ready to go ahead and arm the explosives. And he was waiting on the vehicles to close them in, that way he could take down as many of the government employees as he could.

The man stepped outside, shooting his gun, making sure the press was filming. This was his endgame.

Reid knew there had to be something he could do to stall the man. He didn’t need a lot of time now, only ten or so minutes. The scenario was minimal loss, Reid knew that they weren’t going to successfully extract everyone alive, so now it was time to stall those who wouldn’t be making it out.

He raced towards the two men who were standing at the doors, holding weapons. He had to do something, he had to distract them. Reid could hear the gunshots coming from down the hall, he didn’t have enough time.

“Jeremiah, 29:11; ‘I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to bring you hope and a future.’” Reid quoted, watching as Cyrus began approaching him, “Is blowing yourself up part of the prosperous future that God wants?”

“You think you know the word better than I?” Cyrus asked, placing the butt of his gun against Reid’s sternum. His eyes traveled down to the weapon, heart racing.

“No, I’m just demonstrating that you can use the Bible to manipulate anything.”

“Matthew 10:24; ‘Do not suppose that I’ve come to the Earth to bring peace. I did not come to bring peace but a sword.” The man then shoved Reid backwards, the gun’s stock hitting him directly in the ribs. It was hard enough that he felt a few of his ribs crack and the wind was completely knocked out of him.

“Agh.” Reid groaned, doubling over in pain.

“You cannot convert my brothers.” The man said. He then stepped back slightly before throwing all his weight into the next blow. The gun hit the same spot, and Reid collapsed on the ground in pain, ears ringing slightly. His ribs were throbbing in agony, and he was still trying to catch his breath from the first blow.

‘I’m not gunna make it out’ was all Reid thought, groaning on the floor. He didn’t know if he’d even be able to stand, much less fight his way out. ‘Please say Prentiss got out’ he prayed to anything that could possibly be listening. As long as she got out, he did his job.

His ears had stopped ringing and he glanced back up at the man standing over him. Cyrus’s finger was dancing over the detonating button, ready to blow the whole place up with them inside.

“No one had to follow. God could have stopped me.”

Suddenly shots rang through the room. Reid covered his head instinctively, watching Cyrus and his follower get hit.

He pushed himself up weakly, smirking. “He just did.” Reid stated half-heartedly.

Reid felt a new surge of adrenaline. There was a chance he could get out of here now, and Morgan was inside the building too. They had to get out. He pushed himself up and stood unsteadily, still hunched over, ribs sore.

Morgan immediately rushed to his side. “You alright kid?” He asked, gun still drawn and ready to bolt.

“Fine. Where’s Emily?”

“We got her out of here.”

Reid sighed in relief. She was out, she was safe. Injured but alive. That’s all that mattered.

The young blonde girl who they’d originally been interviewing suddenly walked into the room. Her eyes were on Cyrus. A look of despair crossed her eyes, but it was quickly replaced by anger.

“Sweetheart, come with me, we need to get you out of here, come on” Derek encouraged, gesturing for her to join them. But Reid knew that she wouldn’t be leaving the church alive. Not now that she saw Cyrus was dead. The man who’d brainwashed her into believing that he was a God.

She was going to blow the place up. Her eyes danced towards the detonator that sat a few feet away from her and Reid grabbed Morgan’s arm.

“Run!” He yelled, pulling Morgan towards him. He flung open the door and dragged his partner out behind him.

The force of the blast flung the two of them to the ground. Reid landed hard on concrete first before his body continued rolling into the dirt on the side of the sidewalk. He sat there, stunned. It was incredibly difficult to breathe, and he couldn’t hear anything. His eyes threatened to shut as his body was beginning to collapse.

An arm gripped his shoulder, attempting to pull him up. He blindly attempted to get his footing, coughing as his body was hauled from the ground. When he finally got his feet under him, he stumbled forwards, a hand still securely around his arm, looking at the now burning building.

Reid let out another round of coughs, doubling over in pain, but he managed to stay standing.

“We’re okay!” yelled Morgan from next to him. That was who was holding his arm, Reid registered as his mind began playing catchup.

Morgan began pulling him away from the building and he stumbled along. He awkwardly limped forwards, ankle beginning to throb as well, and pushed the sweaty hair out of his face. He let out a few more coughs but had finally seemed to catch his breath again.

Then, the world seemed to slow. He saw Emily, limping towards him. Immediately Reid’s own pain was forgotten as he made his way towards his teammate. He approached her awkwardly, feeling the guilt enter his body once more.

Reid turned back, glancing at the fire again, before turning to face Emily. Her face held no anger towards him, but instead she had a look of relief on her face. She immediately reached forward, pulling him into a hug. Quickly, Reid wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her shoulder.
He was so thankful that she was okay. She began laughing wetly in his ear and he realized that she was crying. Tears began to fill his own eyes at this, but he hid his face in her shirt.

They held onto one another for a long time, not saying anything. They didn’t need to say anything. The two of them were just celebrating that they’d gotten out alive, albeit a bit injured.

Reid’s eyes snapped open suddenly, and he ended their hug. She looked at him, confused for a moment.

Her arm stayed around his back for a moment, and another joined it. He looked to his other side, seeing Morgan standing there, smiling. Reid turned back to Emily though, after a few moments.

“You need to get checked out by the paramedics.” He stated, flicking his eyes back towards the row of ambulances. She nodded at him, patting his cheek, before walking away. He watched her go, still feeling guilt about her injures.

Reid knew that he should probably get checked out too, his ribs were aching, and his ankle could not support his full weight. However, given the circumstances, he decided he’d just take care of it himself, later.

Emily deserved the full attention of the team. She had gotten hurt protecting him. She had taken all those hits for him. She didn’t deserve that.

Reid, on the other hand, had gotten injured simply because he hadn’t come up with anything clever enough to stall. The only thing he could think of was to aggravate Cyrus. It was his own fault he got hurt, so he should have to treat his own injuries.

It was only fair, right?

He waited on the outskirts of the team, watching family members reunite and press taking photos and videos of the fire. When Emily rejoined them, the team began to trek to the cars, getting ready to head back to the hotel.

Reid was quiet the whole ride to the hotel. His body was sore, and he was exhausted from the past few days.

He’d studied a lot of standoffs such as this one and he’d known the team needed him alert at all hours. He needed to take in as much information as possible so he could manipulate it and send subtle messages to the team.

Reid supposed he hadn’t slept in over 48 hours, and he was starting to feel the fatigue.

When they arrived at the hotel, Reid fumbled out of the car, grimacing as his injured foot hit the concrete. He stood, hunched over, a white-knuckle grip on the door as he tried to manage the pain.

The world began spinning and he was beginning to feel nauseated.

“Spencer?” a voice asked, echoing around him. Reid squeezed his eyes closed, willing off the onslaught of vertigo. He felt someone lift his free arm up and over a shoulder and he immediately shifted some of his weight to them. An arm snaked around his back, gripping his waist loosely.

Someone began slowly coaxing his other hand to loosen its grip on the door. He quickly let go, allowing the second person to take his other side, supporting him there as well.

They began moving him forwards, but the movement made his vertigo worse. Even with his eyes closed, he could feel the spinning and was beginning to feel lightheaded.

He felt his body begin to relax as his mind lost its grip on consciousness. Reid felt his body start to fall but it was stopped before it hit the ground. He cracked his eyes open a moment, seeing Morgan and Rossi staring back at him.

His eyes proceeded to roll up in the back of his head and he fainted.

Chapter Text

PT2

When he came to, Reid was on the ground, staring at the night sky. He grimaced in pain and turned his head to the side. Morgan was sitting next to him, but he was looking somewhere else. He looked like he might be yelling something, but Reid’s ears wouldn’t stop ringing.

He tilted his head the other way, noticing Rossi staring at Morgan. The man quickly noticed his stare and began mouthing words at Reid.

Reid wasn’t very good at reading lips and couldn’t decipher what Rossi was trying to tell him. He felt his grip on awareness begin to slip close again, but a hand tapped his cheek. This caused him to open his eyes once more.

Reid watched as Rossi and Morgan exchanged words, no sound landing on his ears. The two looked like they were arguing about something. After a pause, Reid was confused when Morgan began undoing his button-down shirt. However, he didn’t have the energy to fight him, so he let it happen.

Both the man’s faces turned to horror when it was completely undone. The bruising must be pretty bad. Morgan placed his hand on his ribs and Reid immediately groaned at the contact. He ran his fingers over his whole rib cage. The majority of it was just sore, but there were a few spots that caused Reid to flinch extra hard.

Reid watched the men through half lidded eyes, pleading with them to stop. Rossi frowned, beginning to pet Reid’s hair lightly, attempting to comfort him. Reid’s eyes immediately closed, leaning slightly into the light touch.

Reid began to drift, unaware of his surroundings. His ears continued to ring, but it seemed to be fading slightly as the minutes went on. The world was no longer spinning, and he seemed to be getting his breath back.

A voice began breaking through the ringing in his ears, encouraging him to open his eyes.

It was Morgan.

“Kid, kid, open those pretty eyes of yours.” He pulled them open as far as he could, looking at Derek, “There you go. We’re gunna carry you inside, okay?” Reid barely registered the words, staring blankly at Derek. The man frowned, attempting a different approach. He placed a hand on his shoulder and leaned in even closer.

“If you don’t respond to me, I will take you to the hospital. Which we probably should be doing anyways but we know how much you hate it.” Reid’s eyes widened at this and he immediately nodded. He attempted speaking but ended up coughing instead, grimacing as his rips stung.

Morgan began gathering him up in his arms as gently as he could, sliding one arm under his knees, then the other under his back. He then lifted him like it was nothing, cradling Reid’s head into his chest. His eyes began to drift shut, but they shot open when Morgan jolted him in his arms.

Reid groaned in pain, but Morgan began to speak. “Pass out on me again and your ass is at the hospital. Are we clear pretty boy?”

“Mmmmmhmmm” Reid moaned in confirmation, unable to form any coherent sentence. He kept his eyes open as wide as he could, trying not to pass out. When they finally made it into the hotel room, he was relieved to be set down on a mattress. His eyes immediately closed but Morgan slapped him lightly, making sure he was still conscious.

“Gotta take care of the injuries first, kid.” Reid nodded lethargically, focused on staying awake. Rossi was in the room suddenly, arms full of supplies. Morgan began removing Reid’s shirt from his arms so that they could tend to his ribs. He looked down at himself, frowning when he saw the mess of his torso.

It was covered in bruises, especially around his ribs. They were dark purple and yellow. There were two outlines from the gun where Cyrus had hit him twice.

It would have been very obvious if they’d been broken though. Despite his best efforts to gain weight, Reid was still very skinny, and his ribs were very visible.

Reid also had an array of small cuts on his arms, probably from his fall, but they’d stopped bleeding and were fairly shallow.

“You’re lucky none of your ribs are broken, or you’d be in an ambulance right now.” Morgan said, looking at his bruised chest. “Rossi can you help prop him up, we’re gunna need to wrap his ribs.”

“Yeah” the older man said, making his way to Reid’s side. Rossi lifted him up carefully, essentially holding all of his weight up since Reid was limp as a noodle in his arms. He allowed himself to be held up, not having the energy to argue with either one of them.

Morgan grabbed the gauze and began expertly wrapping Reid’s torso. Reid grimaced as it was becoming slightly more difficult to breathe since the wrap was so tight, but he knew it was necessary. His ribs screamed as the gauze pushed against them, but Reid was able to bite back a whine which threatened to escape.

When Morgan finished, they laid him back down on the mattress. Reid panted, fatigued.

“Any other injuries you’re hiding kid?” Morgan said, looking unconvinced when Reid shook his head. “This is your chance to come clean. Come on kid, we’re only trying to help.” Reid sighed and nodded, confirming Derek’s suspicion.

“It’s one of your feet isn’t it?” Reid tilted his head in confusion, but Morgan quickly answered the unsaid question; “I saw you limping earlier, I’m not that dense kid.” Reid nodded in understanding.

The two men removed his shoes and socks, immediately seeing the problem. His left ankle was swollen and dark, clearly very injured. Morgan poked and prodded it, receiving some groans and whines from Spencer, but determined that it was definitely not broken. Rossi stood, going to get some ice from the machine down the hall.

Morgan turned back to Reid as the other man left. “Why didn’t you get checked out by the paramedics?” he asked harshly.

Reid’s face became riddled with guilt. He swallowed before speaking softly; “Em’ly.”

Morgan’s anger disappeared, immediately sympathetic. “That wasn’t your fault kid. Sure, she got hurt but she’s okay, just like you’re going to be alright as well. She doesn’t blame you.”

Reid shook his head, upset at the thought of her injuries. That should’ve been him getting kicked around, not her.

“Should’ve been me.”

Morgan sighed. The kid was already suffering enough, why did he have to throw all the unnecessary guilt onto his pile of pain. He took a deep breath, debating his approach.

“Kid…” Morgan started, unsure, “listen, Emily wanted to protect you. Just like you wanted to protect her.” Reid looked up with sad eyes, clearly paying attention to his words. “You stayed in the church when Cyrus gave you an out. You distracted him long enough to get out. Not only did you save Emily’s life, but you helped save all those women and children.”

Reid shook his head, closing his eyes. He responded without opening them; “I should’ve gotten beaten. She took the blame.”

“Reid, she took the blame to protect you and because of that we were able to save the civilians. According to Prentiss, Cyrus was pointing a gun at you! What if you’d opened your mouth and they shot you? They might’ve killed you, but they weren’t going to kill a woman. Prentiss knew that. That’s why she did it.” Morgan leaned forward, placing a hand on Reid’s. He opened his eyes again, looking at Morgan with unshed tears.

“Kid, you can’t dwell on the past. This was a big win today. Your guilt will fade over time and we’ll move on. Just…” Morgan paused as a tear fell from Reid’s eye, wiping it from his face, “get some rest. We can talk again when you’re feeling better.”

Reid nodded into Morgan’s hand and he closed his eyes again, relaxing into the bed.

A minute later, Rossi came back with the ice. The two men worked to wrap it in a towel and delicately place it on Reid’s bruised ankle. He immediately sighed in relief.

It took a while, but they’d eventually iced it enough to where Derek thought it would be okay overnight, and he decided he’d let Reid actually get some sleep.

He closed his eyes, immediately falling into a deep slumber.

Reid awoke in the morning, feeling much more refreshed. His body still ached in pain, but he felt much better. Morgan offered him some food and coffee, which he took immediately. Reid hadn’t realized how hungry he was until he could smell the food, he scarfed it down fairly quickly.

Hotch stopped by to check on Reid briefly, making sure he was doing better before informing the team that they’d be heading to the airport soon.

Rossi and Morgan worked to ice Reid’s ankle again, before wrapping it tightly. Soon, they were packed up and heading out of the hotel, Reid leaning heavily against Derek and Rossi as he limped out.

He sipped on his coffee in the car, silently watching out his window. He couldn’t wait to be back home in DC. He just wanted to forget all this ever happened.

Reid still hadn’t spoken to Emily since yesterday, he hadn’t been avoiding her, but he also wasn’t sure he’d want to talk to her if given the chance. The shame was still too fresh, her injuries still unhealed.

He knew Derek was right, that Prentiss had wanted to protect him and that she probably didn’t blame him for her injuries. However, that didn’t stop him from overthinking everything. Why couldn’t he have been strong enough to take the beating for her? Or smart enough to think of something to divert their attention? Instead, he’d sat there, scared and confused, not knowing what to say.

When they boarded the plane, Morgan helped deposit Reid in a corner seat, understanding that he probably wanted some time to himself on the flight. Reid immediately pulled out a book, hoping everyone would take that as a hint not to talk to him.

He wasn’t even reading the book, much too distracted by his thoughts. He tried flipping the pages at regular intervals, keeping up appearances. It worked for a while, no one approached him or tried sitting across from him.

But about an hour into the flight he’d gotten too distracted. He’d been staring at the same page in his book for about ten minutes and was startled when Emily took the seat across from him.

Reid’s heart began pounding quickly and he risked looking up from his book. Emily made eye contact with him. He gave a small smile but made no move to put his book down.

He really didn’t want to talk.

“Hey.” She started.

“Hey” Reid replied softly, but brought his eyes back to the book, hoping she’d go away.

She leaned forward, gently grabbing the book from his hands and closing it. He looked at her as blankly as he could, trying not to let any emotion show on his face. His eyes roamed the bruising on the side of her face and a pang of guilt went through his heart. Unintentionally his brows furrowed with guilt and mouth pulled into a small frown.

“I need you to listen to me,” Emily began, leaning forwards, “what Cyrus did to me is not your fault.”

Reid’s eyes dropped, looking anywhere but at her. He knew it was a lie, it was his fault. But she continued.

“It was my decision, and I would do it again.” He clenched his jaw, bringing his eyes back up to meet hers. Emily’s eyes looked truthful, but Reid didn’t know if he could accept that. She reached forwards, grabbing his hand with her own. “Do you hear me?”

His face twitched slightly as he tried not to break down in tears. Reid’s eyes wandered once more before he finally nodded to her.

He would’ve said something else, explained his actions at least, but he didn’t trust his voice. There was a lump in his throat, and he was fairly sure if he said anything his voice would crack, and he’d probably cry.

“Thank you.” She said, squeezing his hand. She rubbed her thumb gently over his, and he watched the movement, still feeling guilt.

Reid knew he should be the one comforting her, but she didn’t seem like she needed it. The more he looked at her, the more he realized that she looked okay. She probably looked better than he did.

“I heard about your ribs...” She said, causing him to look up at her. He shook his head, dismissing the statement, but she spoke again, “and I guess you hurt your ankle too? What happened?”

He hadn’t actually told anyone what had happened, he realized. He was certain Rossi and Morgan had probably figured it out, considering how prominent the bruising on his chest was, but Reid never explicitly told them. He cleared his throat briefly before attempting to speak.

“Uh, Cyrus hit me with the butt of his gun when I was quoting scripture to him.”

“Why?”

Reid looked at her, confusion in his eyes. “Why, what?”

Emily smirked, “Why were you provoking him by quoting scripture?”

“Why would you think I provoked him on purpose?”

“Why are you avoiding the question?”

Reid sighed, glancing out the window and Emily smiled, knowing she’d won. He swallowed, clenching his jaw before speaking. “I was t-trying to stall. I figured you needed more time to get t-the civilians out and if I provoked him it m-might give you more time.”

Emily tilted her head, “So you purposely angered him for me, even though you were unarmed, and he was holding an automatic weapon.”

“W-well I guess when you put it that way…”

“Spencer.” She interrupted him, squeezing his hand. “I know he gave you an opportunity to leave and you didn’t. Hotch told me. And I know you stayed because, even though you knew it was a stupid thing to do and you’d probably get killed, you wanted to repay me for what I did for you, but Spencer…” she grabbed his other hand as well, now holding both, “you don’t owe me anything. I would die for you just like I know you’d do the same for me or for anyone on this team. We protect each other because we’re family. And like I said before, I would do it again, and I know you would too. So please, let go of the guilt.”

Reid took a deep breath in, closing his eyes, and exhaled slowly. He let the shame wash away, letting it leave his body. He knew he’d still hold on to a little, but he felt a lot better than he did a minute ago.

Opening his eyes again, he smiled at Prentiss. “I love you.” He spoke softly.

She smiled. “I love you too Spence.”

They sat there for a while, holding hands, grateful that they’d gotten out alive.

When she finally did let go of his hands, he grabbed his book once more, opening back to the page he’d been on. He began to actually read, but looked back at her again, offering a small smile.

Reid wasn’t sure when he’d be able to fully forgive himself, but a lot of the pain had washed away. He was grateful that the two of them had survived the fiasco. And he was thankful that he still had his big sister in his life.

Chapter Text

S4 EXTRA 2

PT1

Reid was sprinting as fast as his skinny legs would carry him. They had split up, each team member covering different parts of the building, looking for the unsub and the missing girl.

Reid had gone to the top floor alone. They didn’t realize until it was too late that the unsub was hiding in wait for someone to find him. Reid knew he wasn’t the most physically fit of the group, so he thought it unfortunate that he had found the unsub and not the victim. But hopefully, someone else had found her too and she was safe.

But that’s how he ended up here, sprinting down a hallway after an unsub in a psychotic break who was carrying a bloodied baseball bat. The man turned a corner suddenly. There seemed to be some sort of secret room that he hadn’t noticed was there before. Reid lifted his gun, ready to take a shot.

He turned the corner, holding the weapon tight, but he wasn’t fast enough. A baseball bat swung through the air, making contact with the side of his head, and Reid knew no more.

Reid woke up, alone in the room. Everything was quiet. He grimaced as his head pounded and he brought a hand up, confused to find a wet substance there. Pulling back he realized it was blood. He sat up as much as he could, more propping himself up against the wall. Reid glanced around; memories jumbled in his mind.

He remembered the case but was having trouble figuring out how he’d gotten into this hallway. Reid glanced down at himself, seeing he was wearing a Kevlar vest. They must have been chasing someone. He grabbed the radio on his vest, testing it.

There was only static, it seemed that he was out of range. He glanced around, taking in his surroundings. The room he was sitting in was dark and musty, but the door to the hallway was still cracked open.

Reid slowly made his way forward, dragging himself towards the door. His body was heavy, and head was throbbing, he was sure he wouldn’t be able to stand up. But he had to try.

When he finally made it to the door frame, Reid grabbed it, using it as leverage. He attempted to stand, but about half his weight was on the frame itself. Nevertheless, Reid started making his way over to the staircase, needing to get out of the building.

It was slow work, dragging himself along the wall, room spinning and stomach rolling. It took him forever to make it to the staircase. That’s when he realized this was probably going to be a problem too.

Reid very carefully began walking down the steps, but after the first flight, he collapsed in the landing. He didn’t have the strength. He brought his hand up to his head again, it was sticky with blood and sweat. It seemed that the wound hadn’t stopped bleeding yet.

Reid accepted his fate. He was probably going to die in this staircase. And that was fine. His body began to float as the pain weened away, awareness slipping. Reid smiled a little as the darkness came. Feeling his body slump over onto the floor was the last thing he remembered before his eyes slid shut completely.

~

His body was being jostled around and he felt hands grab his face. A loud voice echoed into his ears and he immediately grimaced in pain. The noise felt like someone was stabbing his brain with an ice pick.

Reid felt people moving his body away from where he’d fallen against the wall, and hands were moving around his body. His head was gingerly maneuvered onto something warm and a hand began playing with his hair on the uninjured side. This helped relieve some of the pain he was feeling, though his head still throbbed.

There was more speaking, but it was hushed this time. He heard footsteps running away, yet someone was still there with him. Lethargically, Reid attempted to pull open his eyes.

A distressed looking Morgan was staring down at him.

“Kid, what the hell happened?” he asked quietly.

Reid blinked slowly, trying to recall the memories. His head began to throb more, and he inadvertently let out a groan.

“Shhhh hey it’s okay, we’ll figure it out.” Morgan continued stroking his hair lightly. Reid began letting his eyes drift shut but shot them back open when the man placed a hand on his chest. “You’ve got to stay awake, kid, I don’t want that big brain of yours getting damaged.”

Reid smiled at this, giving a small chuckle. He kept his eyes on the man, blinking slowly as the world seemed to move in slow motion around him. His memories seemed to come back to him a bit, and he remembered chasing the unsub down the hallway. He vaguely pictured a baseball bat in the man’s hands and pieced together the rest.

“Unsub h’t me w’th a bat.” He slurred, attempting to explain himself. Morgan smiled, nodding in understanding.

“We got him kid, don’t worry. Hotch and JJ grabbed him when he was running down the staircase. Prentiss and I found the victim too, so she’s safe. We’d been looking for you for forty minutes or so before we came across you here. We checked this area earlier, but you must have moved from somewhere else.”

Reid’s brows furrowed. He distantly remembered walking down the staircase, but he couldn’t remember where he’d come from. “Upstairs?” he asked, unsure of himself. Morgan shrugged his shoulders.

“Just hang on a little longer, the paramedics are on their way up now, we’ll get you patched up and hopefully you won’t have to go to the emergency room.”

Reid immediately began moving at that, attempting to sit up. “Mmm fine, no h’sptl.”

Morgan kept his hand firmly on Reid’s chest, pinning him down. “Stay down alright, you can move after you’ve been checked out, okay?”

“Mmmmkay.”

They sat in the stairwell for a minute more, Morgan gently comforting Reid as he tried his best to keep his eyes open. When the paramedics did arrive, they immediately got to work, making Morgan stand and get out of the way. He walked over to Hotch, who stood on the stairs, watching from afar.

“How is he?” Hotch asked, concerned.

“He’ll be okay, he’s got a hard head” Morgan smirked. Seeing the look on Hotch’s face, he cleared his throat, becoming more serious. “He’s definitely concussed, he’s got memory loss and isn’t fully coherent. Lost a lot of blood from the head wound but it didn’t look like his skull was fractured. If we can get him to sit still a few weeks, he’ll heal up quickly.”

Hotch scoffed, smirking lightly at Morgan. As if they’d be able to get him to actually rest.

Reid was overwhelmed by the paramedics all around him. They were speaking quietly, but he was having trouble following their words and they kept shining a light in his eyes which made the pain in his head flair up. Another one of them began examining his head wound and patting off the blood.

Though it was a painful few minutes, they finished up fairly quickly. They determined that he did have a concussion and, though it wasn’t severe enough that he was required to go to the hospital, they strongly recommended it.

Reid shook his head lightly, claiming he didn’t need to go and that he would be perfectly fine on his own.

While one of the paramedics stitched his headwound and bandaged it, the others spoke to Hotch and Morgan. They emphasized that he needed to take it easy, getting a lot of rest to allow his head to heal.

The two exchanged glances. This was going to be a fulltime job, they couldn’t let Reid go home on his own, he’d show up at the BAU the next day.
When Reid was cleared a few minutes later, Hotch and Morgan helped him slowly stand up. It was more them dragging him than Reid actually walking, but at least he was upright.

He managed to get to the car without becoming ill, though he felt nauseated, and Morgan sat with him in the backseat. Luckily, the case they’d just taken was just an hour outside of DC, so they were close to home and didn’t have to take the jet.

Hotch drove them in silence. They had soft radio in the background, but they knew how Reid’s head must be pounding. Morgan had placed his sunglasses over Reid’s eyes in hopes that it would help with light sensitivity.

Reid was currently curled up on Morgan’s lap, awkwardly buckled sideways so he could lay down. He wasn’t asleep, his head was pounding too much for that, but he felt a little more at peace. They’d given him some Tylenol since he couldn’t take any narcotics, and, though it didn’t completely get rid of the pain, it was better than it had been.

He managed to drift off on the drive and he was awoken when the sound of the engine shut off.

Lethargically, Reid pushed himself up to a sitting position. Morgan helped to stabilize him, making sure he was steady enough. Reid looked out the window and saw they were at Hotch’s house.

The two men helped to carefully unload him from the car. His head was pounding from effort and from the sunlight. They managed to drag him in the house, quickly depositing him on the couch. Reid immediately curled in on himself, burying his head into a cushion.

He listened as the two men walked around the room for a few minutes. He wasn’t sure what they were doing at first, but as the light became less, he realized they were blacking out the windows. One of them placed a blanket over him which he immediately pulled tighter around his body.

Hotch spoke softly, interrupting his thoughts, “Reid, you need to drink some water before you sleep.”

“No thanks” he said in a very small muffled voice.

“Kid this isn’t a negotiation.” Morgan stated, gently turning Reid over.

Reid allowed Morgan to help him sit up and took the glass Hotch was holding out for him. He took a few sips before attempting to hand it back to Hotch.

The two of them looked at him pointedly, as if to say ‘really’. Reid pouted slightly but continued slowly drinking the rest. When he finally finished, Hotch took the glass, placing it on the table.

“Now the paramedics said you should be fine to sleep a while, but we’re still gunna wake you up in a few hours just to make sure you’re alright, okay?”
Reid nodded tiredly. Morgan helped him to lay back on the couch again. He curled up against the pillows once more, burying his head under the blanket.

“Get some rest.” Morgan said, patting Reid lightly on the back. His mind wandered for a little while, distracted by the constant throbbing. But after a few minutes, it faded, and Reid dropped off into sleep.

Chapter Text

PT2

Morgan and Hotch had woken him up a few times over the past day, checking his pupils and asking him a few questions to make sure that his concussion hadn’t worsened.

All Reid wanted to do was sleep. Each time he awoke his head continued to throb and he felt as if he would puke at any moment. They kept attempting to put some food in his system, but he refused, knowing it would just come back up.

After a long and confusing 36 hours, Reid was off of constant watch. They no longer had to wake him up every few hours and his head felt much better than before. Morgan and Hotch were still keeping an eye on him, but they weren’t constantly by his side.

To Reid; this meant he was ready to go back to work.

To any sane person, this meant he was healing but still needed rest.

Hotch and Morgan refused to let Reid go in, but they knew that he’d probably follow them in anyways, so the two had to devise a plan. They still had the rest of the day off, but the two of them were required back into work tomorrow morning. They were standing in the kitchen, watching Reid sleep from afar, speaking about the issue.

“Maybe we should just bring him in and pray we don’t get a case. I can keep an eye on him in my office and let him do some busy work.” Hotch suggested.

Morgan sighed, nodding his head. “That’s probably the best we’ll get from him.”

Hotch glanced at Morgan, smirking. “Maybe this is how we get him to eat something though. We can tell him that if he eats and drinks something then he can come to work tomorrow and if not; I’ll tie him to the couch.”

Morgan laughed, “Would you actually tie him to the couch?”

“I think you’d be surprised.” Hotch spoke ominously, laughter glinting in his eyes.

When Reid awoke again later, the two proposed the plan to him which he immediately accepted. Reid swallowed when the plate of food was handed to him, pushing down a wave of nausea.

‘It’ll be worth it.’ Reid thought, taking a bite of the sandwich. It tasted like ash in his mouth, but he managed to swallow without puking. He made slow progress, drinking water in between, and eventually did finish the food.

He had to admit, he did feel less nauseated now that there was something in his stomach. However, his head was still throbbing, and light still hurt his eyes immensely. Same with sound. He wasn’t quite sure how he’d get through the day tomorrow, but he needed to go back to work.

Reid hated sitting around.

The next morning, Reid slowly dressed for work, grimacing as his head panged with any movement. Hotch had helped him redress the wound on his head, and he deposited sunglasses on his face. Reid definitely did not look back to his normal self. He was very pale and looked sick, but he needed to go to work. He needed the distraction.

He made his way to the car slowly, wishing for coffee, wincing at the sunlight. Morgan was holding one of his arms, keeping him steady, and Hotch had already deposited his bags in the car.

“You sure you’re up for this, kid?” Morgan asked when Reid swayed slightly on his feet.

“I’m fine Morgan.”

He heaved himself into the vehicle, relieved he could sit and catch his breath. He leaned his head back, closing his eyes. Even with the sunglasses and the tinted glass, it was too bright in the car.

As the car began moving, Reid felt a bit of nausea creep back into his system. However, he pushed the feeling down. If he puked there was no way they’d let him go into work. He had to keep himself together.

The car ride went by fairly quickly and they arrived to work a few minutes early. Reid groaned when he opened his door, the light making his head throb more obviously than before. He held his head a moment before moving to get out.

When his feet hit the ground his legs immediately buckled. Luckily, Morgan had been making his way around the car and lunged forwards to catch him.

“KID!”

“Sorry.” Reid whispered, keeping his head down and eyes closed. His head was swimming from light sensitivity.

Unbeknownst to him, Morgan and Hotch exchanged a look. They had a silent conversation with one another, both wondering whether this had been the right call. Hotch shrugged and Morgan shook his head. It was a little too late now.

The two men helped Reid get back up. He was a little steadier now but leaned on Morgan for support. They slowly made their way to the elevator, Hotch carrying Reid’s bag for him.

When they did finally get upstairs, Reid cringed at the bright lights of the bullpen. Luckily no one was there yet, so it was very quiet, but the lights were almost worse than the sun had been.

Morgan pulled him forwards towards the light, but Reid unintentionally began flinching away from it. He tightly closed his eyes, trusting Morgan to lead him. Even with his eyes closed, the light was way too bright. He wasn’t sure how he was gunna make it through a whole day like this, plus with the extra noise… This was probably a bad idea.

Reid opened his eyes to slivers after a moment though, realizing that Morgan wasn’t leading him to his desk.

“Where we goin’?” Reid slurred, closing his eyes as he became dizzy.

“Up to Hotch’s room.” Morgan stated simply. Reid turned to him, about to inquire as to why they were going up there, but he stopped himself when he saw Morgan’s face. It simply read ‘Why do you think dumbass, we knew this would happen.’ Reid nodded, continuing to let Morgan pull him along.

Walking up the stairs was much harder than Reid had remembered it being, but luckily it didn’t take too long. By the time they got to Hotch’s office, Reid collapsed on the couch, thankful that it was dark and quiet in the room.

Hotch had beat them there since Reid made slow progress, stumbling against Morgan. The man had already closed all the blinds and blacked out the windows. He’d also pulled out a pillow and a few blankets he’d kept in his office from the last time Reid had passed out on his couch.

Reid closed his eyes, leaving his sunglasses on, and laid against the pillow. Morgan smirked, turning to leave the office to get to work himself. He closed the door, nodding at Hotch as he left.

Hotch turned to watch Reid. He was already fading fast.

“Thought you wanted to do some work?” Hotch quietly asked, smirking.

Reid opened his eyes, taking off the sunglasses. He started to sit up, but quickly gave up. “Mmmmmm” He groaned, not knowing what words to form in response.

Hotch laughed, “That’s about what I expected.” He walked over to Reid, pulling one of the blankets out from underneath the kid and placing it atop him. Reid immediately snuggled into it, covering his head. “Get some more rest. If you’re feeling up to it later, I’ll get you a file or two from your desk.”

“M’kay.”

Reid dipped off into sleep quickly, happy to know that his mentor was watching out for him.

~

When Reid awoke, Hotch was not in the office. He sat up slowly, bringing a hand to his head. He felt a million times better than he had when they’d initially gotten to the office, but his head was still perpetually pounding.

He looked around the office, noticing a glass of water on the edge of Hotch’s desk. Reid slowly stood up, letting the room stop its spinning before making his way over. He grabbed the cup, taking a few sips.

Reid noticed a note and pills had been sitting there as well. He quickly took them, recognizing them to be more Tylenol and read the note.

‘D.C. Case. Team in field. Go to Garcia if you feel well enough to help. Hopefully I’ll be back later to get you. If not, sleep in my office for the night. And I do actually mean sleep, not stay up all night and help with the case. Don’t overwork yourself Spencer. That’s an order. -H’

Reid drank the rest of the water and gave the pills a few minutes to kick in. He glanced at the clock noticing that it was already past three pm. He made his way over to the window, bringing the blind down slightly and looking into the bullpen.

The light immediately assaulted his eyes, but they didn’t hurt as horribly as they had this morning. It wasn’t too busy, looks like a lot of people must’ve been in the field besides their own team. A few people were walking around, but for the most part, it seemed fairly stagnant.

Luckily for Reid, that meant it wasn’t very loud out there either. Which made getting to Garcia’s office a little bit more achievable.

He grabbed the sunglasses off the table they’d been placed on, putting them back over his eyes. Reid attempted to straighten out his outfit a bit, hoping it didn’t look too much like he’d been sleeping all day. He tried taming his hair, but quickly gave up. He perpetually looked sleep deprived and like he just rolled out of bed, so maybe no one would notice.

Slowly, Reid made his way out of Hotch’s office. It took him a minute to adjust to the light, but still his head didn’t pound as much as it did in the morning. Carefully, Reid walked down the stairs and out of the bullpen, thankful that it was pretty quiet. He briskly strolled down the hallway, heading to Garcia’s room.

He passed by JJ’s office and looked in, half hoping she’d be there. Since her baby was due soon, she hadn’t been going into the field as much. However, it looked like today she was out with the team, probably taking his position.

Reid continued walking, eventually reaching the doorway. He quickly punched in the code and unlocked Garcia’s door.

She spun around in her chair as soon as the door opened.

“REID!” She shouted, jumping up from the chair to tackle him in a hug. He flinched at the noise but smiled anyways, happy to see her as well.

“Hey.” He whispered, hugging her back briefly before they separated.

“Okay here let me turn off the main lights so it’s just the monitors, I know it’s still a lot of light, sorry about that baby. And here’s a chair for you and I even brought you a coffee, DON’T tell Hotch he’ll kill me, and I have a blanket for you in case your cold and here’s the case file and I’ll brief you whenever you’re ready!”

Reid was slightly overwhelmed by the quick pace that Garcia was running at. Usually it wasn’t an issue because they were both like that, but his brain was stuttering slightly at the moment. He was shoved into the chair, file placed in his hand and coffee placed in front of him. She draped the blanket around his shoulders before sitting back in her own chair and typing away as if she’d never been interrupted.

Reid smiled, watching her work for a moment before opening the file. He pulled the blanket a little tighter to his body before reviewing the case.

He couldn’t read as fast with the pain in his head, and his vision didn’t seem to be cooperating as well as usual, but after a few minutes he’d gotten through the whole file.

“Alright, fill me in.”

Garcia spoke lightning fast, filling him in on the rest of the details of the case. He quickly gave his profile to her and she confirmed that it was the same as what the team had come up with. They were working under a clock, since the killer was dumping bodies at midnight and immediately snatching a new victim up. Reid began a geographical profile on a map that Garcia had handed him and sipped on his coffee. He began narrowing down an area and they sent it off to the team, hoping they’d be able to catch the guy when he tried to dump a body tonight.

He worked for a few hours, the clock ticking by quickly as he was engrossed in his work. He didn’t realize that he hadn’t eaten anything since the morning, or that it was time for him to take more painkillers. At least not until he felt like someone was repeatedly stabbing his brain.

After the fifth time Reid rubbed his eyes, Garcia made a comment.

“Take a break 187.” She stated without even glancing his way.

Reid looked at the clock. It was almost eight pm. They were running out of time, he had to figure out where the unsub would be dumping the body.

“I’m fine Garcia. I just need to figure this out.” He continued staring at the map, but the roads and names seemed to be swimming around in front of him. He rubbed his temples, shutting his eyes a moment. If he could just will away the pain then-

“Spencer.” He snapped his eyes open, looking at Garcia. She looked a bit worried but more determined than anything. She slowly stood, walking over to him. Garcia grabbed his body and physically turned him away from the map before beginning to drag him out of the room.

“Woah, woah, woah- aghhh” Reid said, cringing as they stepped out into the light. It was dark out now and everyone had left, but the hallway lights remained on. He stumbled blindly after Garcia, who had a hand tightly around one of his wrists. When they stepped into the bullpen, he felt slight relief. It was very dark and quiet, and he was able to reopen his eyes.

Garcia continued dragging him up to Hotch’s office then essentially threw him on the couch. She wordlessly handed him two more pills which he immediately dry swallowed.

“Had anything to eat today?” Reid’s face blushed, realizing he’d forgotten, and Garcia shook her head. She turned to walk out but quickly whipped back around. “Stay.” Then she briskly walked out of the room.

Reid buried his face in his hands, willing the pain to lessen. The pills just didn’t work fast enough. He sat there, still, for a few minutes before Garcia walked back in. She was holding a few bags of snacks and a water bottle for him.

“Here. Eat.” She ordered, handing him the items.

“Thanks.” He said softly, looking up at her as she handed off the items. She’d also brought a laptop in, he realized. He opened his mouth to ask but quickly shut it, realizing what she was doing.

Garcia plopped down in Hotch’s chair and began typing away, getting back to work.

Reid smirked, a little annoyed that she didn’t trust him but more thankful that she was willing to stay with him. He opened the bag of pretzels, quickly downing the food.

When he finished his snacks and water, he began laying back on the couch.

“Rest, Junior G-man.” Garcia said, smiling. “I’ll be here making sure you do.” She smirked.

Reid nodded, burrowing under a blanket once more. He started to drop off to sleep, but he came back to himself, quickly opening his eyes. He awkwardly propped himself up, turning to face Garcia.

“Thank you, Penelope. For looking out for me.”

She gave a large smile and quickly stood, making her way to the couch. Crouching in front of it, Garcia brought him into a warm hug once more. She rubbed his back and he tightened his grip on her, burying his face into her shoulder.

“I’m lucky to have you.” He whispered, genuinely, in her ear.

She broke the hug a minute later, pausing to look him in the eye. Garcia had a large smile on her face and she briefly cupped his cheek. “You’re damn right you are.” She planted an affectionate kiss on his forehead before standing once more.

Garcia returned to her desk and Reid laid back down, heart feeling warm.

“Now really, Spencer, go to sleep.”

Chapter Text

PT 3

Reid awoke as the sunlight started to filter into the office. Garcia must have opened the blinds when it was dark out, happy to be in a room with windows. Now Reid was flinching against it, burying his face deeper in the pillow.

His head was pounding again, and he felt nauseated. Before he knew it, Reid had thrown himself off the couch, sticking his head in the wastebin under Hotch’s desk. He retched a few times, not bringing much up. However, each time he did, his head throbbed more and more.

By the time his stomach had stabilized, the light had gotten brighter and he’d curled in on himself on the floor, trying to get rid of the pain. Reid didn’t notice when he slowly slumped to the side, he just proceeded to automatically curl up in a ball, tightly wrapping his arms over his eyes. His back faced the window, he was doing anything in his power to block the light.

Reid knew it wouldn’t take much to stand and turn the blinds, but he was in too much pain at the moment. He felt his skin becoming slick with sweat and he felt like he might pass out form the pain.

He flinched hard when he heard the door open and someone yelled his name loudly. The sound bounced off his ears, reverberating agonizingly into his skull. He vaguely heard footsteps. Someone appeared next to him, placing their hands on him timidly, attempting to pull him out of the tight ball he’d wrapped himself up into.

The light in the room began to dim and some of the pain lessened. Someone else must be there, closing the blinds. Reid sat there, stiff, for a few minutes. The throbbing dulled to more of an ache. Hands were rubbing his back affectionately and the person was whispering comforting words.

Eventually, Reid began to melt against the touch. His body became more relaxed, and the hands worked to pull him onto their lap, out of the fetal position he’d been in. Reid lazily opened his eyes, seeing Hotch staring down at him with a terrified looking Garcia sitting next to him.

“Spencer.” She said in a quiet voice. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have left the blinds open-”

“’s okay.” Reid mumbled, smiling at her, he closed his eyes, fading quickly. His body was left exhausted after the whole event.

“Painkillers first, Spencer. Then sleep.” Reid pried his eyes open, staring at Hotch who was looking at him expectantly. He nodded his head slightly, before allowing the two of them to help him sit up. They maneuvered him so that he was propped up against the couch.

He downed his pills, ready to crash, but he suddenly perked up a bit as he remembered the case.

“Case?” he asked simply, knowing they’d understand.

Hotch smiled. “We got him, don’t worry. Your geographical profile helped us figure out where the unsub was going to be, and we managed to catch him before anyone else died.”

Reid smiled, letting his eyes droop closed. Some cases went better than others, he was happy this one ended well. he quickly dropped off to sleep.

~

Reid found himself waking on Hotch’s couch once more. This seemed to be developing into a pattern. This time, though, he was not alone. Hotch was sitting at his desk in the dark, typing away on his computer.

He sat up slowly, wincing at his ever-present headache. At least this time he wasn’t going to be sick.

“Water. Pills.” Hotch stated, not looking up from his computer. Reid glanced to his side, seeing the two items and he graciously took them.

After gulping down the water, he placed his head in his hands. He was getting really sick and tired of the whole headache thing. It made it really hard to focus on anything.

“You okay, Reid?” Reid quickly snapped his head up, wincing at the sudden movement, but he nodded regardless. He rubbed his eyes before glancing at the clock. It was the middle of the day. Part of him just wanted to go back to sleep, but he also knew he should probably get some work done.

Reid placed his feet on the ground, getting ready to stand. However, Hotch beat him to it before he could even get the strength to begin.

“What are you doing?” He said, suddenly appearing in front of Reid, stopping his movement.

Reid was confused at Hotch’s confusion. “Going to do some work?”

Hotch shook his head, “No.”

“What? Why not?”

“Reid you just woke up, you got sick this morning, you haven’t eaten, and you still have a concussion despite your best efforts to convince yourself that you don’t. You don’t need to do any work.”

“But my paperwork-”

“Spencer,” He interrupted, “you don’t have any paperwork.” Reid glanced up, confused. Hotch continued explaining, “I know that Emily and Derek tend to slip you their paperwork sometimes, so it was their turn to pay back the favor. They did all your paperwork. There’s no work for you to do so, please, just relax.”

Reid sat back, relaxing more into the couch. He wasn’t sure what to do with himself now, relaxing wasn’t really his thing.

“Here,” Hotch said, sitting next to him, “let me replace the bandaging on your wound and then I can go get a few books for you from your desk. Or your chess set. Okay?”

Reid nodded, “Okay.” He said in a small voice.

Hotch began carefully taking off the bandage. Reid’s wound was healing well, but the area around the cut was still very bruised and the cut itself didn’t look great. He had to have a few stitches, but luckily none of them had pulled and the wound itself did not look infected at all.

He pulled out his first aid kit, bringing out some new gauze, tape, and alcohol. As he dipped a cotton ball in the alcohol, Reid immediately tensed up. He knew they had to keep the wound clean, but it always stung so much.

Hotch reached up, dabbing his wound softly with the alcohol. Reid cringed but did not flinch away, knowing it would go faster if he held still. When Hotch finished, he prodded the surrounding area slightly, making sure the swelling was going down.

It seemed like he might need to ice it, but they could do that when he’d finished. Hotch rebandaged the wound, replacing the tape as carefully as possible.

He stood, making his way to the small fridge he had in his wound. He pulled out an ice pack and threw it to Reid.

Reid caught it, looking gratefully at Hotch, and he brought it up to his head. It hurt a little at first but almost instantly it began to make his headache dull out. He sighed a bit, thankful for the relief. Reid slouched back against the couch, clutching the ice pack like a lifeline, and he closed his eyes.

After ten minutes, Hotch reclaimed the ice pack, placing it back in the fridge. He ran out and grabbed Reid a few books, bringing them back to his office. Reid took them, thankful to have something to occupy his mind with. He definitely couldn’t read as fast as normal, but at least his eyes seemed to be properly functioning again.

They spent the next few hours in silence Hotch’s office. Hotch was slowly getting through his work and Reid was reading his books. Hotch coerced Reid into eating a sandwich and drinking some water, which was a win.

Reid dozed off for a little while at one point, but when he snapped back awake, he denied it ever happening.

All in all, Reid was actually able to relax, which was what Hotch had hoped to accomplish.

When the end of the day came, Hotch began packing up and Reid watched him from the couch. He was having his own internal monologue, wondering if he’d be dropped at his apartment or if Hotch would want to keep an eye on him again.

He secretly hoped that maybe Hotch would bring him back to his house, he didn’t really want to be alone, especially if he got sick again. But he also didn’t want to be a burden.

‘Maybe I should just go home. That way Hotch can actually have a nice evening and get some sleep.’ He thought to himself. Reid decided that, though he didn’t want to do that, it was the best decision. This way Hotch wouldn’t have to watch over him like a child.

A little while later, the two of them made their way out of the office. Reid’s eyes were hiding behind sunglasses again, but the light definitely wasn’t hurting him as much as it had the first time, he’d walked in the building a few days ago.

They got into the SUV and Reid cleared his throat when Hotch began driving out of the parking lot.

“Uh you can just drop me at my apartment. I’ll be okay for the night and I’ll come in for work tomorrow.” It was supposed to be his first day back anyways, even though they had tried to argue for him to take more time off.

“No, Reid you’re coming home with me.”

Reid glanced to Hotch. The man’s face showed nothing except determination. “Hotch really just drop me at my place I’ll be f-”

“Reid.” Hotch interrupted, briefly glancing Reid’s way, “You’re coming to my house. I don’t wanna hear any of this ‘I’m a burden’ bullshit. You’re my family. When you’re sick or injured you need family, and, despite your constant attempts at isolating yourself, I am going to be there for you until you get better, and even after that. Okay?”

Reid swallowed a lump in his throat and smiled. “Yeah. O-okay.” He said in a small voice.

Reid focused out the window, the smile staying on his face. There was some guilt in his heart, knowing that he would probably cause Hotch to lose some sleep and might make him work a little extra, but that’s what family was for. His smile grew a little more, affection and gratitude filling his heart, and they continued driving home.

Chapter Text

S4 E7

JJ was at the hospital; she was in labor. All of Reid’s worries were forgotten as they’d jumped on the plane for D.C. He was emotionally and physically exhausted, body ready to collapse at any moment. However, he needed to put that aside. JJ was having a baby for God’s sake!

The plane was a blur, Reid zoned out for most of it. His mind was still trying to process everything that had happened. Seeing his dad, the nightmares, his mom, poor little Riley…

He shook his head, trying to clear it somewhat.

‘Stay awake’ he thought to himself, ‘Focus.’

So, he stared out the window, mind blank, and watched the sky. Reid was thankful that Rossi and Morgan were leaving him alone. He knew they’d probably try and talk to him later, or at least someone from the team would, but he needed time to process.

Reid felt like his head might explode. He had a pounding headache and body was shaking slightly from fatigue. He slumped a bit more into his seat, letting his eyes slide shut unintentionally.

He jolted awake when a hand clapped him on the shoulder. Morgan stared down at him, urgency in his eyes laced with a bit of pity. Rossi stood behind him, equally as worried.

“We’re here kid,” he held out a hand, offering to help him stand, “come on.”

Reid lethargically looked for his bag, only to realize it was slung around Rossi’s shoulder. Slowly, he nodded his head and took Derek’s hand. He helped pull him out of his seat and steadied him when he stumbled, knees weak.

The three made their way to the SUV that was waiting for them. Reid dragged himself in the backseat, buckling himself in as Derek began to drive towards the hospital. He could feel Rossi eyeing him, but he dug his palms into his eyes, attempting to wake himself up.

The drive to the hospital was quick; Derek was driving after all. When they arrived, Reid’s body perked up, suddenly realizing the situation once more. With a new sense of energy, he jogged along behind the other two agents, making their way into the hospital.

They briefly talked to the nurse, who informed them that JJ was down the hall and that she had already delivered the baby. Reid smiled, happy to hear it had gone okay. Morgan and Rossi shared a look without Reid noticing, and Rossi clapped Reid on the shoulder.

He turned to face the older agent, who also had a smile on his face.

“Why don’t you go ahead, we’ll come in a little later.”

Reid’s eyes furrowed in confusion, but he nodded. He wasn’t going to question them, he just wanted to see that JJ was okay. He slowly made his way down the hall, heart beating in anticipation. He could hear laughing coming from inside the room, so he gradually peaked in.

Prentiss and Garcia were standing on one side, laughing. Will stood on the other, over JJ and their baby, smiling, and Hotch had his back to Reid.

He awkwardly knocked before speaking, “uh is there room for one more in here?”

“Spence, hi.” JJ spoke gently, eyes softening as she made eye contact with him. He walked in awkwardly, giving a smile.

Hotch turned around, a rare smile on his face. “Welcome back.” He stated, nodding.

“Thanks.” Reid said, turning back towards JJ. His eyes landed on the small human, bundled in a blanket in JJ’s arms. “Wow.” Was all he could say. His breath was taken away. Awkwardly he turned to Will, holding out a hand for a rare handshake, “Congratulations.”

Will grabbed his hand, nodding in thanks. When JJ started to speak, he turned back towards her.

“How is it that I just went through 15 hours of labor and you look worse than I do?” Reid chuckled slightly at this; he was sure she was right. He still felt like a light breeze might knock him out, but he had to stay strong for her.

“Don’t be ridiculous, you look beautiful.” He quickly stated, eyes bouncing back to the child. He felt like he was in a haze, like this wasn’t real. He just couldn’t believe JJ had just given birth. It was crazy.

Will spoke suddenly, breaking the silence, “Well I could sure use some coffee, anyone else?” Reid looked up, confused at his statement. “My treat.” The rest of the team nodded, slowly trickling out of the room. Will clapped him on the shoulder on his way out, giving him a large smile. Reid was still very confused at what all that was, but he was too tired to process it.

He moved closer to JJ, still staring down at her child. “wow.” He said again, very softly.

“You okay?” JJ asked.

Reid’s brows furrowed, “Yeah, yeah, you?”

“Yeah, yeah, you sure? Because there’s something I wanted to ask you, but it can wait.”

His smile dropped and concern replaced his features. “What is it?”

JJ looked down towards her child, smiling, “Will and I were talking, and, um…” she looked back up towards Reid, tears in her eyes, “we want you to be Henry’s godfather.”

Reid immediately felt tears rush to his eyes. He was so touched that they’d even consider him. Suddenly his mind was moving a mile a minute. Why him? He couldn’t be a godfather, kids hated him, he would do a horrible job with Henry if something happened to JJ and Will. He wouldn’t even know where to start, he didn’t even have a father to compare to.

He didn’t know what to say, so he let out an awkward laugh, stuttering over his words, “I… don’t e-even know… I don’t even k-know-”

“Here, do you wanna hold him?” JJ asked, practically shoving Henry towards him.

“Um-”

“Its okay”

“I- uh-”

“Here you go” JJ stated, confidently handing him off. Reid awkwardly took the child, still at a loss for words.

“okay.”

“Watch his head”

Reid looked down at the little face, “hi” he said softly.

“There you go.”

“Hello Henry” He said, examining the tiny features. He smiled; he really did look like JJ. Reid was completely in love with the child already, he knew he’d do anything to protect him.

“If anything were to happen to us its up to you and Garcia to make sure this boy gets into Yale.”

Reid laughed a little, smiling down at the child. “Oooh Yale. Yale? Do you wanna go to Yale, Henry? That was your godfather’s safety school.” JJ laughed lightly and he smiled even larger, “Don’t worry, I can get you into Cal Tech with one phone call.”

He continued holding Henry for a little while longer, never dropping his smile. He wanted to take in everything he could about the child and remember this moment for the rest of his life. However, after a few minutes his arms started to ache, and his body began to remind him of his exhaustion.

JJ must have noticed, because she held out her arms, ready to take Henry back. He gently passed his godson to her.

“Thank you, JJ. I…uh… just thank you.”

She smiled up at him, nodding. Just then, Will came back in the room, Morgan and Rossi in tow. The two immediately congratulated JJ, moving closer to her bed. Reid began backing out of the room, making room for more people to file in.

Once he got to the hallway, he saw Prentiss and Garcia making their way back towards the room. The two were mid conversation, but they both smiled at him as he passed by. He made his way out to the empty waiting room, collapsing in one of the chairs.

Reid really needed a cup of coffee. Or maybe a nap. He leaned forwards, placing his head in his hands. Slowly he rubbed his temples, willing away the fatigue.

“You okay?” a voice startled him out of his thoughts. Reid squinted upwards, seeing Hotch standing above him.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine, just tired.” He brought his head up, smiling at Hotch. The man took a seat next to him. The smell of his coffee drifted towards him and Reid’s body ached for the caffeine. Reid let out a large yawn, rubbing his eyes again. “Where’d you get the coffee?”

“Spencer.” Reid looked at Hotch in slight confusion, the man’s voice was sharp. “No coffee. You need sleep. And probably food.” Reid bit his lip, nodding in acceptance. “Come on, let’s get you out of here.”

Hotch stood up quickly. It took Reid’s brain a few seconds to process what was happening and before he realized it, Hotch was awkwardly dragging him upward by one arm.

The two of them made their way silently towards the elevator. They rode down to the parking garage, Reid suppressing another yawn. He really was tired. His blinking was beginning to slow, and he felt his world start to tilt a little.

A hand grabbed his arm quickly, stabilizing him. He turned his head towards Hotch, who was staring at him with concern.

“Sorry.” He said quietly. Hotch kept his hand on his arm as the elevator door opened. The two stepped forwards, walking toward the car. Reid lagged a little, stumbling over himself slightly as his body was having trouble with its coordination.

“Come on Spencer, you got it.” Hotch encouraged, dragging him towards the vehicle. He opened the car door, depositing the younger agent in the car. Quickly, he made his way to the driver’s side. He wanted to get home as fast as he could so Reid could actually get a good night’s rest.

It had become apparent to him the minute he’d fallen asleep on the plane that something was wrong. Reid barely let himself fall asleep after a case, much less before it. He’d been quiet for the past few weeks and it was clear he was running mostly on caffeine. The dark circles he constantly had were more prominent than ever and he was more pale than normal.

Hotch quickly started the vehicle, beginning to back out of the space. He glanced at Reid, who was clearly in a daze.

“Hey.” He said softly, but the kid didn’t respond. “Spencer,” he tried again, shaking his shoulder lightly. Reid turned glazed eyes towards him, “seatbelt.”

Reid looked down, realizing the buckle was still undone. Slowly he nodded, clumsily grabbing the belt and securing it around himself. When he finished, he looked out the window, watching as they drove out of the parking garage and into the city. It wasn’t long before the lights started to blur, and Reid’s eyes began to shut of their own accord. He thought about fighting it, but decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

Reid let his heavy eyelids shut, and quickly fell asleep.

He jolted awake when a hand begun to undo his seatbelt. He blurrily opened his eyes, slowly processing that Hotch was out of the car, beginning to drag him out of his seat. They must have made it to his house already. An arm slid under his knees and another behind his back, quickly pulling him out of the seat.

“H'tch” Reid slurred lethargically as his head rolled against Reid’s shoulder.

Hotch shushed him, gently carrying him inside. Reid unconsciously tucked his head further against Hotch’s chest, snaking his arms up around the man’s neck. His eyes shut again, trusting the man to get him inside safely.

Before he knew it, Reid was being placed in a bed. He immediately rolled onto his side, but hands grabbed at his feet, attempting to remove his shoes.
“Leave ‘em” he spoke with exhaustion.

“Spencer” Hotch started, “come on lets at least get your shoes off.”

“MMmmmmmmm” Reid didn’t move, allowing Hotch to undo his laces. A few years ago, he probably would’ve never let this happen, but his trust in Hotch had built a lot. He was like the father that he never had. Reid knew it wasn’t the best idea to look at his boss in that light, but he couldn’t help it. Everyone talked about how they were a family, and it wasn’t his fault that Hotch fell into the ‘father figure’ roll.

Reid felt the bed dip beside him, and he cracked his eyes open. Hotch was also still partially in his work clothes, but he too was clearly tired and didn’t care. Only then Reid noticed he wasn’t in the guest room.

“Hotch?”

“Come here Reid.” Hotch settled into the bed, gently pulling Reid onto his chest. One arm wrapped around his lanky body, hugging him close as if he was Hotch’s child. The man began carding through Reid’s unruly hair gently. He felt his eyelids grow heave once more at the comforting gesture, relaxing into the man’s embrace.

Reid felt his eyes slip shut, but he opened his mouth again, trying to form a clear sentence.

“What ‘f I h’ve nightmare? I’ll wake you.”

“Spencer,” Hotch’s hand stopped briefly, as if to make a point, “that’s why I want to be close to you tonight. If you have a nightmare, I’ll wake you up and we can talk about it. Something you should’ve done a few weeks ago by the way, but that’s a discussion for another time.”

Reid snorted, laughing a little at the man’s comment. Of course Hotch had figured out that this was going on for a while. He was able to read him better than he could understand himself.

“I know your exhausted, and even though you don’t want to talk about what happened with your father, we’re going to have to in the morning. But for now, just get some rest. You look like you have two black eyes right now.”

Reid nodded into the man’s chest, snuggling a little more into the warmth. Hotch resumed his affectionate gesture, and Reid quickly began to melt. His grip on reality began to slip, and soon he fell into a deep and much needed rest.

It was the first night in a long while where he didn’t have any nightmares.

Chapter Text

S4 E8

“This is going to be interesting”

“Uh, yeah.”

Prentiss smirked at Reid before turning to follow the arguing duo. Reid smiled, letting himself relax slightly. Thank God they’d figured out this guy’s plan. If they hadn’t, he wouldn’t be standing here, alive, watching his team members bicker and see the missing children reunite with their family members.

Reid rubbed his palms in his eyes, willing the stress to leave his body. He’d been wound so tight ever since Rothchild had approached him.

Reid trailed slightly behind Prentiss, walking back to the car. His mind started to wander, falling into the sea of ‘what ifs’. If he hadn’t figured out the pattern of ‘phi’, if he had been a little slower, if Rossi hadn’t challenged the man, they’d all be dead right now. The four kids and the teacher, as well as his teammates. Gone.

Reid shuttered at the horrifying thought, blankly pulling himself into the vehicle. Morgan and Jordan were still arguing about something, and Prentiss was texting someone. He stared out the window, watching the house as the car began backing out of the drive.

He was sure this one might haunt him for a while. All the things that could have gone wrong… there had been so many variables, they were incredibly lucky that they didn’t make a mistake.

He lifted his hand up to rub the stress out of the back of his neck, rolling his shoulders slightly. Reid really needed to just go home and take a hot bath, maybe that would calm the anxiety that still gripped his chest. Clenching his jaw, he swallowed the lump that had made its way into his throat. He was going to have an anxiety attack.

‘Not now.’ He thought to himself. The danger was over; he knew that logically. But anxiety has a mind of its own and it was telling him that his family was still in danger. Reid felt his breathing begin to speed up, along with his heart rate. His leg started to bounce and he closed his eyes, willing himself to relax.

He jumped when Prentiss’s hand appeared on his and let out a soft whimper. Her eyes were soft, clearly already understanding of what was happening. He manically glanced around, beginning to descend into panic, but Prentiss just moved into the middle seat, so she was closer to her.

She was speaking, but not to him, which was good because her voice seemed to be echoing like they were in a tunnel. Her hands were rapidly undoing the Velcro of the Kevlar vest he was still wearing.

Reid glanced down, watching her hands quickly move. He forgot he’d been wearing that. After a few seconds, she ripped the rest of the vest off and pulled him close.

His arms immediately wrapped around her, burying his face into her neck. His breathing was choppy and ragged, and there didn’t seem to be any way for him to slow it down. Prentiss began rubbing his back gently, whispering calming words into his ear.

Reid’s breath caught in his throat a few times, and his body still shook from adrenalin, but it seemed that they caught it before he descended into a full-blown attack. He listened closely to her steady breathing, attempting to copy her. A few tears dripped down his cheeks and onto her shirt.

It took a while, but eventually he was able to slow his breath back to a relatively normal pace. When he seemed to be out of the woods, she relaxed her grip, slowly letting go of him. Reid blinked his eyes, clearing them as they pushed away from each other. He kept his eyes down, slightly ashamed that he’d just had a small episode in front of three of his coworkers, one of which he didn’t know very well.

“S-sorry.” He whispered. Prentiss placed a hand on his cheek, wiping away a few tears which had escaped.

“Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault.” It wasn’t a request; it was an order. Reid smirked a little, looking back up at Prentiss who gave him a tender smile.

He risked a glance towards the front seat. Morgan was glancing at him through the mirror periodically, worry in his eyes. Jordan was facing forward; she wasn’t having a reaction to it at all.

He felt a bit of relief at this. He didn’t need her to see him like this, it was embarrassing. Reid was thankful that she wasn’t making a comment about it.

Prentiss rubbed his arms a few times before turning to face forward again. She didn’t scoot over though, staying close to him. He appreciated the gesture; she kept her side pressed against his and she was holding his hand affectionately.

While he’d rejected human touch for most of his life, now he found himself craving it. Ever since Hotch began initiating small, affectionate gestured, he longed to be in contact with his family members, even if it just meant a brush against their shoulder in passing.

To a lot of people, touch was a no-go during an attack such as his. However, he relied on it, it helped keep him grounded, keep him from spiraling too far into his mind.

Reid squeezed her hand in thanks and leaned a little more into her, grateful that she was here with him.

When they reached the BAU, he was once again thankful that Jordan quickly got out of the vehicle and made her way inside. Prentiss and Morgan stayed behind though, silently sitting in the car.

“Talk, kid” Morgan stated, staring at him through the mirror. Reid glanced away. He hated this part. They’d talk about what triggered his attack in the hopes that it would prevent it from happening again, and the team would know when to be alert for triggers.

Reid took a deep breath, shuttering slightly.

“We don’t have to do this now, but if you don’t think it’ll trigger you again, we might as well get it over with.” Morgan continued gently. Reid nodded and Prentiss squeezed his hand, encouraging him.

“It was just the case.” He started, unsure of how to describe his fears. “You guys could’ve died if I hadn’t-” Reid’s words caught in his throat, mind spiraling again.

Prentiss squeezed his hand and he stopped his thoughts. Reid turned his head back to look at her, shuddering again. He didn’t want to talk about this now.

Her and Morgan clearly got the message because that’s where the conversation ended. Morgan began to get out of the car and Emily smiled at him, nodding towards the door. Reid cleared his throat and nodded, turning to get out.

He stepped out of the car wobblily, but after a moment he got his legs back under him. Morgan approached him and, before he could react, pulled him into a tight hug. Reid reciprocated, squeezing the man tightly for a few seconds.

Morgan broke the hug shortly after, pausing to ruffle Reid’s hair. He smiled, before turning to walk towards the elevator. Reid turned to close the car door before following him and Prentiss. They silently got on the elevator, riding up to the BAU.

Arriving back in the office, it was fairly empty. Everyone except their main team had gone home, for which Reid was grateful. He really didn’t feel like he could socialize with random coworkers right now.

He made his way over to his desk, quickly plopping into the desk chair. He really did not want to ride the train home, but he wasn’t about to ask someone for a ride. They were all exhausted. Reid rubbed his head, attempting to combat the headache that was slowly making itself known.

Reid opened his eyes, glancing around. Morgan and Prentiss were talking to Hotch in his office.

‘Probably about me’ Reid snorted a little at this. It was like children tattling on their sibling. Though, to be fair, he didn’t have a great track record with sharing his troubles, and if they didn’t tell Hotch, there was no way in hell he would.

His eyes continued to wander around their office. Rossi was sitting in his office, looking at something, probably another case. Reid rotated his chair, looking to the round table room. Garcia and Jordan were speaking, but their conversation seemingly ended as Jordan walked out.

He sighed to himself, motivating himself to move. Reid really wanted to get home, so he might as well start the trek. He gathered his things in his satchel and began standing up. Morgan and Prentiss came out of Hotch’s office, making their way to their respective desks.

Reid began walking towards the doors, but he was stopped as he passed Prentiss’s desk, her hand grabbing his arm. His brows shot up in confusion and surprise and she gave him a smile.

“Wanna come over?” she asked.

Reid was taken aback, he’d gone out with Prentiss, sure, but to his knowledge she’d never invited any of them over to her place. “What?”

She rolled her eyes dramatically, “Do you want to come to my place? I figured you, me, and Garcia can have a girl’s wine night.”

“Girl’s wine night?” Reid repeated back, even more confused than before.

“Yeah, you can substitute for JJ since she’s occupied by the child at the moment. Plus, you’re an honorary member of the girl’s club since you’re not one of the annoying ‘alpha males’.” She raised her voice a bit, clearly making a friendly jab at Morgan who laughed.

“Um, thank you?” Reid said, laughing. “I d-don’t know I think I’m just going to go home and-”

“Spennnnnnnnnnnccccccccccceeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” Emily begged, hanging off of his arm.

“Uh-”

“I’d just go with it if I were you pretty boy, I don’t think you have a say anyways.” Morgan laughed, quickly dodging a pen that Prentiss threw at him after his comment.

“Uh, yeah… yeah o-okay.”

“EEEK!” Prentiss squealed. She quickly let go of Reid and pulled out her phone, typing rapidly. Garcia immediately squeaked as well, appearing outside of the round table room.

“Girls night!” The two of them yelled in unison. Reid’s eyes widened, unsure of what he just agreed to, but he smiled awkwardly at their excitement.

They made their way to the garage, parting ways with Morgan and piling into Emily’s car. He let Penelope have the front seat, hiding himself in the back.

Reid wasn’t sure how he felt about the whole thing, he really just wanted to go home… but then again, it would probably be good for him to not be left alone. He didn’t want to have another attack.

The ride was quick, and the girls excitedly chatted the whole way. Reid zoned out, only half listening to what they were discussing. It wasn’t until the bright lights of the car turned on that he realized they had already arrived.

Reid quickly exited the vehicle, following the two girls who were still talking. He began to analyze the building which Prentiss had chosen to live in. It seemed very quiet and secluded, and it was pretty small. It was conveniently located close to Quantico and there were obvious security measures in place-

He shook his head, stopping himself. He wasn’t here to profile Emily.

They made their way to the top floor and walked to the end of the hallway. Emily opened her apartment door and immediately a black cat appeared. Penelope squealed in excitement, immediately reaching to pick it up. Reid’s brows shot up; he didn’t know she had a cat. Walking into the apartment, it was exactly what he’d expected. Very simple, not too personalized or lived in since they were gone so frequently, but elegantly decorated.

“Spencer stop profiling my apartment and come drink some wineeeeeeee” Emily whined from the kitchen.

“Oh, y-yeah, uh sorry” Reid laughed, following the two girls further into the apartment.

“So, what are we feeling tonight?” Emily asked, a glint of humor in her eyes, “Rom com?”

“YES of course!” Penelope excitedly agreed, picking up her freshly poured glass.

“Spencer?” The two turned to face him. He was very lost, but he nodded anyways, smiling. He bit back a laugh as they started arguing over movie titles, most of which Reid had never heard of, much less seen.

He took the glass of red wine that Prentiss handed him and watched the two bicker.

Eventually he put it back down on the table, he wasn't one to drink much, but he appreciated the gesture. He wondered if JJ would argue with them about movies when she was here, or if she just watched the two like he was doing.

A smile danced on his face at the thought of this, the chaotic energy between Emily and Penelope was already a lot, he was certain JJ would roll her eyes and watch them argue.

After a while, they decided on a movie called “John Tucker Must Die”. Reid commented that it didn’t sound very comedic or romantic, but the two girls just laughed, telling him he'd have to wait and see. The three of them changed into pajamas (Reid once again grateful that he always had his go-bag on him), before settling on Emily’s couch.

Reid initially sat scrunched in the corner. He brought his legs up and wrapped his arms around them, curling into a small ball. He set his chin atop his knees, using them to hold up his head. Emily sat next to him and Penelope plopped down on the other side.

As the movie played, Emily managed to slowly force him to relax. A few minutes in, she snuck her arm around him. Reid didn’t even notice as she began pulling him closer to her.

Without realizing how it had happened, Reid suddenly noticed that he was fully leaning his head against Emily's shoulder. Her hand affectionately played with his hair and massaged his scalp.

His eyes began to grow heavy and soon he couldn’t help but begin dozing off. He would be jolted awake slightly whenever Emily’s shoulders would shake from laughter but, after a while, he stopped reacting to it.

Reid felt his body shift sideways, being laid gently on Emily’s lap. At this point he was too out of it to even react, exhausted from the weird day they’d just had.

The sound of the movie and the girl’s voices began to fade, and Reid curled up in Emily’s lap, getting into a more comfortable position. He felt a blanket being laid atop him which he immediately burrowed into.

As Reid dipped off to sleep, he realized how grateful he was that he’d been included in ‘Girl’s Night’. Emily and Penelope helped take his mind off his anxieties, and he would probably sleep much more soundly here with them, than he would’ve at his apartment.

He’d needed this more than he knew.

Chapter Text

S4 E9

“I think I might just stay home and man the tip line tonight. Clubs aren’t really my thing.”

“Not a chance, kid. I need a wingman. Come on, now.”

The words that he’d spoken to the team reverberated around his skull now that they were actually at the club. He’d hoped no one would care, and he’d sent Hotch a look of pleading, but it didn’t work.

That’s why Reid was awkwardly standing around, attempting to ask strangers if they’d noticed the unsub anywhere.

He hated places like this. Everyone judged you immediately on what you looked like and, typically, Reid wouldn’t get a second glance. He’d tried the whole clubbing thing a few years back, thinking it would be his best chance at a relationship. He quickly learned though that people either wanted a quick fuck or weren’t interested in him at all.

Reid’s stomach churned as a wave of self-loathing traveled through him. He used his intellect and words, not his looks. He was no Derek Morgan. And here, in this club, he felt to be at a large disadvantage.

Reid decided he wasn’t going to get anywhere, especially with how loud it was, and chose to hide in a corner instead, analyzing people from afar. He was aware of how it probably looked, but he was probably only getting in the way of the rest of the team, so he was better off standing in the corner, watching instead.

He spotted Derek, who was easily slipping fliers to everyone he passed. The man had charisma for days, it wasn’t long before all of his fliers were handed out and he was flirting with a woman on the side. A smirk made its way to Reid’s lips at this; it was unsurprising. He didn’t understand how he did that, everyone was charmed by Derek Morgan.

Shaking his head, Reid stopped that train of thought; now was not the time for a pity party. Just because his people skills were lacking and his looks were low, didn’t mean he had no attributes, right? I mean he was smart…

Reid’s brows furrowed slightly, eyes dropping to the ground. Was that really all he had going for him? Intelligence? And intelligence which most people found to be annoying or confusing by the way. He let out a sigh, it was no wonder he couldn’t get a date.

A hand clapped him on the shoulder, and he jumped hard, spinning around.

“Relax, kid. It’s just me.” Morgan lead Reid away from the corner, walking further into the crowd of people. “So, how’s it going?”

“Uh not good.” Reid said, showing Morgan the pile of fliers that he still held in his hand. “I gave the profile to one woman, she asked if I was the unsub. How are you doing?” He asked, already knowing the answer.

“Well, I gave out all my fliers.”

Reid smirked, “How many phone numbers did you get?”

“None.” Derek rolled his eyes, “I’m working a case here, kid.” Reid raised his eyebrows in disbelief, baiting Derek to continue, “Okay, four were offered, but I didn’t take any of them.”

Reid shook his head in confusion at the man, how could you turn down four phone numbers? He couldn’t even get one person to offer theirs up!

“alright, look, let me school you real quick. What you have to do with these people, just take control of the conversation. When you’re talking, what makes you feel like an expert?”

“Uhhh…” Reid’s mind went blank, so he said the only thing he could think of, “statistics?”

“No. Trust me. No. Something else.”

“Uh… we-well when I do magic…”

“See? That’s perfect. People dig magic.”

Reid furrowed his eyebrows at this. In his experience, he was typically made fun of for doing magic, so he wasn’t quite sure what Morgan was talking about. The man started looking around before he nodded towards the bartender.

She was very beautiful and seemed confident, especially with her job.

‘Wayyy out of my league’ Reid thought to himself immediately.

“I’m gunna give you a chance to work it”

“Wait-”

“Come here.” Morgan began leading Reid towards the woman, and he swallowed hard. His palms immediately began sweating and shaking with anxiety.

“Uh, excuse me, sweetheart, whenever you get the chance.”

Reid’s heart pounded in his chest as the woman glanced up, making eye contact with him.

“Hi, what can I get you?”

“Hi, uh w-we’re with the uh… FBI” Reid struggled to show his badge but continued, “We-we’re looking for this man. Does he look at all familiar to you?” he asked, sliding her a flier.

“That’s not much of a picture.” She commented, glancing at the generic sketch.

He glanced at Derek who nodded, encouraging him to do one of his tricks.

“I-I know, you know what might help, actually is, um…” he grabbed a pen from his pocket and Derek clapped him on the shoulder, walking away. “He has a scar on his eye right about there,” he stabbed the pen through the paper. Playing it off as an accident, he continued, “Um, w-we also know that he’s taken classes where he’s learned how to… distract-” he pulled the pen across the paper without making a hole, “and charm his victim.” Reid pulled the pen out without a hole being left in the paper. The scar was drawn on and he had done the magic trick successfully.

The bartender smiled, laughing in awe as he set the paper down on the table. She picked it up, flipping it over in confusion before locking eyes with him.

“Okay, how’d you do that?” She asked, gaping.

“That’s uh, that’s privileged information.”

“Huh.” She sighed, smiling at him. He awkwardly continued smiling at her, not knowing what to say. She started before he came up with something though, “so what do I do if I see him?”

“You should call us. Even if you just think you see him, you should definitely call us.” He said, nodding his head.

“And… if I don’t see him?..” Reid’s brows furrowed in confusion, but she continued, “can I still call you?”

Reid began nodding, trying not to show his excitement. “Yeah,” he attempted to say casually, “yeah you can call me. Yeah.”

“Okay, cool.”

Reid turned to walk away but she stopped him, “Wait! Haha I don’t have your number…”

“Oh um it’s behind your barrette.” He gestured to her hair and a confused look appeared on her face. Slowly she reached up, grabbing the card he’d placed in her hair.

He laughed and waved, giving a quick ‘bye’ before turning to leave.

Derek was standing a few feet away, excitement and amusement in his eyes. He placed a hand on the nape of Reid’s neck, leading him away from the bartender.

“See, there you go, that’s what I’m talking about. That’s called game!” Reid laughed, smiling with excitement after the exchange had gone so well. he’d been genuinely surprised at the woman’s interest; he was sure his trick would flop.

The two of them hung out a little longer before heading back to the station. However, they were about halfway back when Reid’s phone begun ringing.

He flipped it open, “Hello?”

Silence followed. There was a noise that sounded like panting, but then the line went dead. Reid’s brows furrowed, immediately redialing the number. It rung and rung before it finally went to voicemail.

“Hey, it’s Austin. Leave a message.” He immediately recognized her voice; it was the bartender.

“Derek turn the car around; the unsub has Austin.”

“What?”

“He has Austin! T-the bartender! She called me but now she’s not picking up. I told her to call me if she saw the unsub!”

“Shit.” Derek spun the car around, turning on the lights. They raced back to the club and Reid called Hotch to alert him to the situation.

By the time they got back to the club, it was too late, she was gone.

“The bouncer saw Austin go out back. She likes to smoke back here.” Reid stated to Morgan as they bounded into the back alley.

“Well based on the witness’s description it definitely sounds like the unsub was here. We got Unis at her apartment but no one’s home.”

Reid dialed up her number again, but this time the phone went straight to voicemail.

“it keeps going straight to voicemail, maybe we could have Garcia triangulate where she is based on the cell phone?” Just then, Reid noticed a buzzing noise coming from below him. He glanced down and spotted it. A cellphone had been shoved inside a planter.

Reid recognized the number as his own on her phone, and a pit formed in his stomach.

“He has her.”

They rushed back to the office in a blur, meeting back up with the rest of the team and pulling on their Kevlar vests. They loaded into SUVs, rushing to the address which they’d pinpointed was the unsub’s house.

When they arrived, they split into groups, quickly and silently surrounding the house. Reid prayed that Austin was still alive and okay in there. He hoped that they weren’t too late.

When they bust through the glass door, a wave of relief washed over Reid. Austin was there, alive. She didn’t look physically injured either. Derek chased after the unsub, but Reid immediately collapsed to his knees, carefully removing the duct tape from her mouth.

“Get this off, get it off, get it off” she begged, crying as he undid the duct tape around her wrists.

“Okay, it’s okay.”

“I called you”

“I know, I know.” He said, helping her to stand, they needed to get her to an ambulance, or she was going to go into shock.

“I called you” she repeated.

“I know.” He said once more, wrapping his arms around her and leading her away from the house. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

Once Austin was secure with the EMTs, Reid backed off, leaving her to get some help. They loaded her up to take her to the hospital and part of him wanted to go with her, but he knew they’d be heading back to DC now that the unsub was caught.

His eyes watched as the ambulance pulled away, and he began making his way back to the vehicles. It wasn’t long before everything had been taken care of and the team was on their way to the jet.

When they boarded, Reid claimed a seat in the back rather than his usual couch position. It was night, and most people would probably try to sleep, but he wasn’t sure he would.

The lights dimmed as they prepared for takeoff and Reid glanced out the window. Just then a body plopped in the seat across from him. It was Derek.

He had a wide smile on his face and a glint of happiness in his eye.

“Sooooo, you and Austin, huh?”

“Morgan, please-”

“Nuh uh pretty boy, you just saved the ‘damsel in distress’, you know that scores some massive points with her. And even without that she was clearly into you when we were at the club so… you gunna call her?”

Reid sighed, looking back out the window. She probably wanted nothing more than to forget this whole thing ever happened. Plus, he wasn’t worth the hassle, he didn’t even live in Georgia. And she was way out of his league, there was no way that she could possibly-

“Hey,” Derek had leaned forward, placing a hand on Reid’s and jolting him out of his thoughts. “where’d you go there, kid?”

He feigned a smile, “oh, uh, nowhere, its fine. I’ll probably just leave her alone, I’m sure this isn’t a day she’ll want to remember anyways so…”

Derek’s face softened and his mouth twisted into a frown. Reid looked away, hoping that Derek wasn’t profiling him, this was not a conversation he wanted to have.

“Kid. You know she was into you, right?”

Reid couldn’t help but snort at this comment. Sure, she liked his magic trick, but he was sure that’s where the interest stopped. “Yeah, sure.”

“Reid, I’m serious.”

“Morgan. It’s okay-”

“No, Spencer, it’s not. I don’t want you thinking that poorly of yourself. It’s not that hard to notice how you constantly belittle yourself, and I see that look on your face right now. I want you to stop.”

“Derek-”

“You’ve got a lot going, you’re obviously smart but you’re also clever and witty and kind and selfless and so many other amazing things.”

“Please-”

“Plus, I don’t call you ‘Pretty boy’ for nothing, regardless of how you see yourself, people think you’re adorable. Why do you think you have the power to charm Hotch and Rossi so much? None of the rest of us could dream to get away with all your bullshit.”

This made Reid smile, thinking about all the times the ‘puppy dog eyes’ had gotten him out of trouble.

“Really kid, I wish you could see how amazing we all think you are” he said, squeezing Reid’s hand, “we all love you for you, and if someone else doesn’t see that, they’re not worth your time. Okay?”

Reid blinked away a few unshed tears that had made their way to his eyes, nodding and clenching his jaw. He was unsure of what to say but was touched by Morgan’s compliments. He didn’t know if he could fully believe him, but he let the pit in his stomach leave for now.

“But this girl, she liked you, so I think you should give her a call tomorrow, just to check in.” Derek winked, letting go of Reid’s hand and leaning back in his chair. Reid nodded again, mouthing an ‘okay’.

He looked out the window once more, a small smile still on his face. Maybe he would give Austin a call tomorrow.

Just to check on her.

Chapter Text

S4 E20

When they finally got Amanda into custody, Reid felt awful. Sure, they’d caught the unsub and saved the girl, but was it really a win? They’d lost Adam. All because he was too slow.

He should’ve recognized the signs; they were staring him directly in the eyes and he was too dumb to see them. He’d seen it before, up close and personal. He’d seen the switching between personalities, he knew the symptoms.

But Reid hadn’t been good enough.

He’d lost Adam, just like he’d lost Tobias.

While everyone was distracted by the chaos, Reid slipped out of his Kevlar and escaped to the roof of the hotel. He couldn’t stand to be around anyone right now. He hated himself, he hated that he had once again not been good enough to save someone from their DID. All he wanted to do was help people, but he seemed to do more harm than good.

Reid stared out into the harbor, pushing down the tears that threatened to spill over. He knew he didn’t have a lot of time. The team would load up to leave soon, and eventually someone would notice his absence if he stayed gone for too long.

But still. He needed the moment of quiet to process. To hide his shame before he faced the team.

When Reid heard the door to the roof squeak open, he didn’t turn around. He knew it was one of his team members, and he just didn’t think he could face anyone right now. He needed a few more minutes.

“It’s time to go, kid.”

It was Morgan. Of course, it was Morgan. He was always the first to notice when he was missing, when he had snuck off to hide. He stared straight ahead, not trusting his voice but not wanting to face the other man either.

“Reid.”

He glanced around the harbor, watching life go by. But still, he felt a pang of guilt in his heart for Adam. He clenched his jaw, begging Morgan to leave him alone.

“What’s eatin’ you man?”

Reid sighed. He wasn’t going to get out of this one. He opened his mouth, but it took a few tries before any sound came out.

“We’ve, uh, taken the victim into custody and… let the abuser go free, I don’t really…” he stopped as a lump began to form in his throat, “I don’t see that as much of a win” he finished quietly.

After a pause, Derek spoke again, “a lot of lives are gunna be saved now that Amanda’s off the streets. You know that.”

Reid nodded, still facing away from the other man. “Yeah, I just…” he tried to put his feeling into words, pausing for too long, “I wish I could’ve noticed the signs in time to save Adam.” His voice broke at the end of his sentence and he felt tears rush to his eyes again as a wave of shame rolled through his body. He looked down, swallowing the lump in his throat again.

“Come on, don’t do that to yourself. None of us could have noticed. Our profile was right, we just never considered that the team dynamic would be locked inside one person’s mind.”

“I should’ve.”

Reid sniffed, staring at the ground. He should have seen the signs. Derek didn’t say anything for a moment, but Reid heard his feet moving closer to him.

The man didn’t try to turn him around, or touch him in any capacity, rather he just said; “Talk to me.”

When he didn’t move, Morgan tried again. “What is this?”

Finally, Reid turned, facing Derek even though his head was still lowered in shame. It took him a few seconds to get up the courage to speak, but he eventually did; “Tobias Hankel.”

Derek’s face flashed with anger at the mention of the name, “Tobias Hankel drugged and tortured you for two days. He almost killed you.”

“No.” Reid shook his head, “He didn’t, the alter persona of his father did those things to me. The real Tobias Hankel saved my life. Brought me back from the dead.”

Morgan took off his glasses, looking seriously at Reid, “and you think somehow because of Tobias you owe Adam?”

Reid struggled to find the words to explain his feelings. “I just… I know that he’s still locked in there somewhere.” Reid turned away from Morgan again, looking out into the harbor once more. If he pushed any harder, Reid might have a full breakdown on the roof. He hoped Morgan would just leave him be.

“Kid.” Reid turned his head slowly to face Morgan once more, “You’re gunna have to accept the fact that sometimes we can’t save everyone.”

Reid’s eyes drifted downwards at this. He knew Morgan was right, but he just wasn’t sure he could let this one go. Especially when it was on him that he didn’t see the signs sooner.

He felt a tear drip down his cheek and he quickly reached up to wipe it away, whipping his head back towards the harbor in the hopes that Morgan hadn’t noticed. That he’d just walk away.

But of course, that wasn’t the case.

Hands gripped his arms, quickly turning him around and pulling him into a tight hug before he could fully process what was happening.

After his initial shock, Reid slowly relaxed into the hug. He returned it, bringing arms up to grip Derek’s back like a lifeline as he slowly let tears fall.

They stood there, still, for a few minutes. Besides an occasional sniff, they were silent, Derek allowing Reid the chance to let go of his emotions. He felt bad about the wet spot he would surely leave on Derek’s shoulder, but Reid couldn’t stop himself.

He’d felt so overwhelmed and angry at himself, and even though he hadn’t let go of all the guilt, he did feel a little bit better in Derek’s embrace.

When they eventually separated, Reid brought a hand up to his face, scrubbing any extra tears off his cheeks.

Morgan kept his hands on his shoulders, watching as he rubbed his face.

“Sorry”

“We all have our moments, kid. It’s okay.” Reid nodded, still staring at the ground. Morgan tousled his hair and smiled, clapping him on the shoulder. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

Reid nodded, allowing Morgan to lead him towards the stairwell. He was certain that his eyes were probably red and puffy, but he didn’t have the energy to care at the moment. He was thoroughly worn out, and just wanted to go home.

He didn’t realize how long they’d been on the roof, but by the time they got to the lobby, everyone was cleared out except for the normal tourists.

Reid looked to Morgan in confusion, but the man just shrugged, leading him out towards the car. The two of them piled in and Reid was grateful that he had a little more time to pull himself together before anyone else saw him.

“They ran back to the station, we’re gunna meet the team at the jet.”

Reid nodded in understanding. Morgan must’ve told them that he would go find him, the man did know him well enough to predict his actions fairly well so, he wasn’t too surprised.

They drove through town easily, making their way to the airport. Reid watched the scenery go by. He loved being able to travel around all the time, but they often didn’t pay much attention to the beauty of the cities as there were killers to catch.

The two of them pulled up to the jet finally, and clearly the rest of the team was waiting on them since there was an SUV parked out front.

Reid exited the vehicle, trailing behind Derek as they made their way to the jet. It was only five pm, but Reid was beat. Though it looked like most of the team planned on being awake during their flight, Reid wasn’t really in the mood for conversation.

Luckily, the couch was empty, so he claimed the position, immediately beginning to stretch out across it. The plane began moving and he let his eyes shut, willing himself to sleep.

Unfortunately, his mind still seemed to be running.

Reid couldn’t get the thought of Adam out of his head, nor could he stop thinking about Hankel. This case had definitely brought up some bad memories. He kept his mind away from the thought of Dilauded, but he remembered so clearly the alter persona beating him and making him dig his own grave…

Reid’s eyes shot open, trying to stay away from those memories. He glanced over to the rest of the team. Prentiss, JJ, Rossi, and Morgan were playing cards at the table, and Hotch was sitting across from him, working on a case.

Reid quickly closed his eyes, hoping that no one had noticed he wasn’t asleep, and he turned to curl into the cushions. This way his back faced the rest of the team. He brought his legs up, bringing himself into as tight of a ball as he could while on the couch, and tried to calm his breathing.

There was no way he was actually going to get any sleep. He decided to just feign it as much as he could. Reid carefully measured his breath after a few minutes, breathing as steadily as he could. He tried to clear his mind, focusing more on the conversation happening between his teammates than what was going on in his head.

After a little while, he felt something get draped over his body and he realized he’d been shivering. He instantly grabbed it, pulling it a little tighter around his body. It felt like someone’s jacket.

Without realizing it, Reid began to slip into a light doze, not fully falling asleep, but definitely not aware enough to be considered ‘awake’.

When he felt the wheels move, Reid jolted back to awareness. They must be landing. He slowly opened his eyes, turning his body away from the cushion to look around the plane. He lazily rubbed his eyes, attempting to clear them a little more.

Derek and JJ had moved to other seats, each doing their own thing. Rossi and Prentiss were discussing something at the big table while simultaneously watching the ground approach. He turned his body further, seeing Hotch still next to him, watching him closely.

Reid’s brows shot up in surprise that the man had been watching him. He gave a small smile before slowly sitting up. The jacket that had been laid atop him fell to the ground.

He leaned to pick it up, immediately recognizing it to be Hotch’s. Quickly, Reid handed it back to the man who smiled at him.

“Thanks, Hotch.”

“No problem, you were shivering, you needed it more than me.” Hotch stated.

The two of them watched out the window as the plane got closer and closer to the ground.

“Are you okay?” Hotch asked, still looking out the window.

Reid clenched his jaw, frowning. “Uh, yeah.” He lied, “I’m fine. Just tired.”

Hotch turned his head, a disbelieving look on his face. “Well considering you just actually admitted to being tired, I’d say that means you’re not okay.”

“Whatever happened to not profiling each other?”

“Spencer.”

Reid sighed, dropping his head. “Just… n-not now, Hotch.” He looked back up, making eye contact with the man, “Please.”

Hotch rolled his eyes, mumbling something that sounded like “damn puppy dog eyes” and nodded.

The jet landed and it wasn’t long before the team was making their way to the cars. It wasn’t often that conversation was so lively after a case, because they were typically all exhausted afterwards. However, this one had been fairly quick and, despite the odd nature surrounding it, most of them we’re able to begin moving on from it already.

Reid was the only one not discussing weekend plans with anyone. He blankly stared out the window, wracking his brain for ways that he could help to save Adam.

Maybe if he went and visited Amanda enough in jail, he’d be able to bring Adam back out. Maybe it wasn’t too late to save him.

When they arrived back at the BAU, most team members were packing up to go home. Reid knew if he hung around too long, someone would notice, but he couldn’t go home alone right now. Instead, he dropped his stuff at his desk and briskly made his way to the bathroom.

He quickly locked the door before sprinting to a stall. Suddenly the whole situation was making him extremely nauseated. Reid expelled the little substance in his stomach into the toilet. He sat there a few minutes, stomach twitching, before he was able to lean back against the cool tile.

Reid wiped the sweaty hair away from his face. There were tears on his cheeks, but he ignored them. No one was here, so it didn’t matter anyways. He brought his legs up to his chin, tucking his face in his knees and hugging his shins.

Why was he so weak? Why couldn’t he be like the rest of the team. It seemed like he was so fragile lately. Between his run ins with injury and stress, it felt like he was in a constant spiral. If the team wasn’t so understanding, he was sure he’d probably have run himself directly into his own grave.

But he couldn’t keep doing this to them. They have lives outside of him.

Hotch has a family, and so does JJ. Morgan and Prentiss don’t wanna look after him all the time, and Garcia and Rossi have more important things going on.

‘We’re a family’ a voice in the back of his head said, but he shook his head at himself. Family relied on each other, sure, but he was sure it was a two-way street. They were taking care of him a lot more than he helped them. That wasn’t fair to them.

Reid uncurled from the ball he’d been in and flushed the toilet. He still felt like crap, but he no longer felt like he might vomit out his stomach. Gingerly, he stood up, keeping a hand on the wall as he swayed slightly. He made his way out of the stall, washing his hands and face in the sink.

He looked at his watch. He’d been in here for about 30 minutes. Hopefully everyone was gone by now and he could just work on some files for a while.

Reid unlocked the door, walking out into the empty hallway. It was completely silent. He made his way to the bullpen, pushing through the doors. Luckily, it looked like his plan had worked, everyone was gone.

He smiled to himself but decided he definitely needed some coffee before he started up. He needed to get the acidic taste out of his mouth.

Reid made his way to the kitchen area, starting up the machine to put on a pot.

“Oh no you don’t.”

Reid jumped about a foot in the air at the sound of the voice. Startled, he whipped around, seeing a very done looking Garcia standing there.

“Garcia? What are you still doing here?”

“I could ask you the same question 187, why are you making coffee in the office instead of heading home to get some rest?”

Reid’s mouth hung open, trying to make something up, but Garcia stepped forward before he could. She grabbed his hand, swiftly turned off the coffee machine, and began dragging him out of the bullpen.

“Garcia what-”

“Shhh.”

“… did you just shush me?”

“SHHHH”

Reid’s brows shot up in confusion. He continued stumbling behind her until she typed the code in and practically threw him into her office. He caught his footing and turned around to face her.

“Garcia, seriously, what the hell?”

“Sit.”

She shoved him into one of her chairs, immediately covering him with a colorful blanket and handing him a mug of tea. He was too shocked to react in any other way than just offering her gifts.

“Talk.”

Reid stared at the mug of tea, then at Garcia. They sat in silence a moment before Reid sat the mug on the table beside him.

“Talk about what?”

“Morgan told me about the roof.”

Reid flinched at this, closing his eyes. Of course, he did. The whole team probably knew what a baby he was being about this whole thing and-

A hand placed itself on Reid’s own and it startled him out of his thoughts.

“Spencer,” she began, leaning towards him, “You barely talked to Morgan, you refused to talk to Hotch, and then you locked yourself in the bathroom for a half hour so that you could dodge everyone else the rest of the night.” Reid’s brows rose when she called him out about that, but she continued, “Clearly this case uncovered some old memories and the only way to keep them from haunting you is to talk about it.”

Reid’s eyes dropped and he pulled the blanket a little tighter around himself with his free hand.

“I’m okay.”

“Bullshit, Spencer. You can’t lie to me, I can’t-” her voice caught in the back of her throat, causing Reid to look up at her. She looked like she was a second away from crying, unshed tears in her eyes. “I can’t watch you suffer again Reid; not like you did after Hankel.”

The word ‘Dilauded’ went left unsaid, but he knew she was talking about his addiction.

Normally, when one of them got spooked on a case, it wasn’t that big of a deal. However, now it made sense. That’s why they’d all been so worried.

“Now please, let me look at your arms, and then talk to me.”

Reid mentally facepalmed. He hadn’t even thought what locking himself up in the bathroom would look like to them. He nodded, rolling up his sleeves for Garcia to inspect. She gently grabbed each arm, looking for new marks. After a few minutes of probing, she let go, smiling softly at him.

“It was just… a lot of deja vu, you know? All the signs were there, the profile fit, he even told me all of his symptoms yet somehow-” he stopped, clenching his jaw to stop from crying. “It’s my fault that we lost Adam. I should’ve seen it. His DID was staring me right in the eyes and with my… experience… I know better than anyone what DID can do to a person.”

Reid took a breath, glancing at Garcia. She was looking at him with encouragement, hoping he’d keep talking. So, he did.

“You know, I thought Hankel was all evil, but w-when he s-saved me?” he stumbled over his words a bit, extra emotion seeping through at his horrible memories. “Tobias saved my life. And I killed him.” A tear escaped his eye, dripping down his face as he remembered that night. “Adam… He… He deserved help, just like Tobias did, and once again, I k-killed him. He’s… he’s gone. And it’s my fault.”

Silence filled the room as Reid stopped speaking. He’d never truly talked to anyone about Hankel. Even Gideon was more interested in helping him with his drug problem, which was understandable. But even with everything he’d gone through, he’d never told anyone about his thoughts on killing Hankel.

He supposed everyone probably assumed that he’d been relieved, having gotten rid of his captor and thus saving his own life. But it wasn’t just his captor that he’d killed, he’d also shot a civilian, an innocent, another victim.

Garcia brought a hand up to his cheek, wiping away his tears. He continued staring downwards, slightly lost in memory, but Garcia pulled him into a tight hug. After a few minutes he came back to himself and slowly began reciprocating the hug.

They sat in silence a while; Reid thankful that she’d stayed behind for him. He closed his eyes, leaning further into her arms.

“It’s not your fault” she said in his ear. His brows furrowed, and he shook his head slightly, but she ignored him; “You might not believe me Spencer, but it’s not your fault. No one on this team thinks it’s your fault, for Adam or for Hankel. No one blames you but yourself. And I know you aren’t going to let go of that guilt in one day, but I hope I can help convince you that you should let go of it one day.”

Reid smiled, burying his face in her shoulder at this.

“Thank you.” He whispered.

“Oh of course honey.” She said, scratching his back.

When they did finally separate, Garcia handed him a box of tissues. She had mascara running down her face, clearly empathizing with his situation. He took a few, drying his eyes and laughing a little as he watched Garcia do the same.

“What do you say we watch a movie here? I have popcorn!”

Reid nodded, smiling at his sister. She quickly stood, shoving popcorn in the microwave and looking for a good movie to watch.

He picked up his mug, taking a sip of the tea. It was just the way he liked it. Garcia began talking at a million miles an hour, describing the plots of different movies they could watch. Reid smiled at her.

This day may have brought back a lot of terrible memories, but he knew that looking back on it he’d smile, remembering this moment with Garcia instead.

Chapter Text

S4 E24

PT1

Reid entered the lab with caution. It didn’t look like anyone was in the house, but he still got a sinking feeling as he walked in the room. The walls were white and there were papers everywhere.

Blood. There was blood on the floor. Reid followed the trail, finding the body of Nichols.

“Shit.” He said, examining the wound on his head. As Reid began to turn around, his heart skipped a beat.

There was white powder spilled on the floor.

“Fuck.” Reid whispered to himself, realizing his mistake.

“Reid? Reid?” He heard Morgan calling his name from outside.

Morgan! If he came in here, he could get infected!

Reid sprinted to the door, quickly shutting and locking it before Morgan could step inside.

“Reid!”

“Morgan, get- get back! Get back! Get out of here!”

“What are you doing?!” The man’s face was filled with fear. “What’s wrong?” He pulled on the door handle, but Reid was thankful that he’d locked it.

“No, don’t! Believe me, get back!”

“What’s wrong?!”

Reid looked down, double bolting the door, making sure that Morgan wouldn’t be able to kick his way through.

“Reid, open the door!”

He frantically sealed all of the locks, tucking his hair behind his ear frantically. His heart was pounding in his chest with anxiety. They couldn’t be down two team members. Derek couldn’t get infected because of his dumb mistake.

“I’m sorry.” Reid said, before glancing back at the white powder spilled on the floor.

Morgan was clearly upset, his eyes filling with unshed tears. But Reid couldn’t let him in. For once, he had to do the protecting, he needed to make sure Morgan stayed safe. He needed to make sure that Morgan got out of this alive.

“I’m calling Hotch, we’re gunna get a team and an ambulance and we’re gunna get you out of there. You’re gunna be okay.” Morgan said, pulling out his phone and quickly dialing Hotch. He stepped away reluctantly, sadly leaving Reid for a moment.

Reid turned around, letting out a sigh of relief. At least he’d prevented Morgan from making the same mistake. Slowly, Reid began wandering around the lab. As long as he was in here, he may as well make himself useful.

He started looking through the lab notes which had been left, scattered, on one of the desks. Quickly scanning through each document, he started compiling what information would be helpful in catching the unsub.

He was interrupted when his phone began ringing. Reid grabbed it, answering without looking at the caller ID.

“Yeah.”

“Reid, they’re on their way, Hotch is coming and they’re sending hazmat teams over. Don’t worry, you’re gunna be alright.”

“Thanks,” he said, unconvinced, still scanning through the documents, “you know, it looks like Nichols has been dead at least two or three days, and there are two distinct handwriting patterns in these notes.”

“What are you saying?”

“Nichols isn’t causing these attacks, he’s been dead for all of them. He had a partner. His partner is the unsub.”

“Shit. Okay, let me call Garcia and tell her to update the team and see what she can find.”

“Sounds good.”

“Reid. Hang in there.”

Reid bit his lip, shutting his eyes for a moment. He was already starting to feel the effects of the anthrax on his lungs. If it was escalating this quickly, there was a good chance he wasn’t getting out of this one.

“Thanks Morgan.” He said, hanging up the phone. There was no time to dwell on this though, he needed to help as much as he could before his body started to shut down. If they could catch the unsub before the next attack… well that would be enough for him, he thought.

Reid ran around the lab, reading all of the possible reports, observing every inch of the lab, looking through all their procedures. He needed to keep busy, and he had to work fast. When he heard sirens approaching, Reid stopped, taking a moment to call Hotch.

As he began dialing the man’s number, he realized that he was standing outside of the window with Morgan and Whitworth. The two of them both looked incredibly worried. Reid sighed, he didn’t want them to focus on him right now, they couldn’t afford that. He’d already began accepting his fate, he hoped they would too.

A stab of guilt went through his stomach. This was all his fault anyways. If he hadn’t wandered into the unknown area of the house, he wouldn’t be stuck in this situation. At least he’d been able to prevent Morgan from making the same mistake.

Hotch answered the phone, staring at him from outside.

“Reid.”

“Hotch, I really messed up this time.” He felt a ball of shame in his stomach. Why did he keep making all of these stupid mistakes? Hotch would probably have a talk about how disappointed in him he was if he weren’t slowly dying in here.

“Reid, we need to get you to the hospital.”

“No,” he quickly replied, “I’m staying right here.”

“No, you’re not, Reid!” Morgan yelled into Hotch’s phone.

“I’m already exposed. It’s not gunna do me any good to stop working the case.” He said, turning around to go look in a different corner of the lab.

“He’s already infected. Now if Nichols created the strain, he may have also created the cure” Whitworth remarked.

“My best chance is to stay here, see if there’s a cure, and try to figure out who killed Dr. Nichols.” He began frantically glancing around the lab, trying to see if there was anything obvious that he might’ve missed. Anything that would lead him to the partner or the cure.

“Come on Hotch, say something to him.” He heard Morgan quietly plead over the phone. There was a long pause before the man replied.

“He’s right. His best chance is inside. We’re gunna get a suit and a mask into you right away”

“Don’t bother” Reid interrupted, “it’s not gunna do me any good, I’m already infected.” Reid quickly hung up the phone, grabbing a data sheet that he hadn’t seen yet.

Reid bounced around, scanning documents and books for anything of interest. It wasn’t long though before Hotch called him again.

He quickly flipped open his phone, “Yeah?”

“Reid, what do you see in there?”

“Uh I see cages filled with dead animals, I see signs of a struggle. Probably before Dr. Nichols was murdered. Equipment’s missing. There’s a large desk. Clutter all over the surface. But in the corner-” he stated, quickly sprinting to the corner area, “-there’s a smaller desk. It’s organized, functional.”

Reid panted slightly at the effort. His lungs were definitely beginning to struggle, it was becoming harder to catch his breath. He shook his head; he couldn’t worry about that right now.

“Two different workspaces?” Morgan asked.

“Two different sets of handwriting,” Reid observed, flipping through a set of papers, “I’m looking at instructions on how to boil lab-grade broth, sterilize lab equipment, and transfer spores.”

“Nichols would know all that” Whitworth commented.

“He has a partner, maybe even a protégé” Reid stated with certainty, looking at the obviously different handwriting patterns in each notebook. “Go back to the BAU, try to figure out who his partner is.” Reid suggested, trying to get them away from here.

They’d be no help standing outside, worrying over him. Hopefully this way they could prevent the last attack, even if they couldn’t save him.

“Hotch, why don’t you go? I’ll stay here with Reid” Morgan said.

The cell clicked off as Hotch supposedly rushed away. Reid tucked away his phone once more, running around the lab to piece together as much of the puzzle as he could before his time ran out.

After a while, he ended up taking a seat, glancing out the window at the team who was setting up to come inside the lab with him. His lungs were already feeling heavy, and a tickle in his throat was making itself know.

He wished he could call his mom to say goodbye.

Reid knew it would be breaking protocol, and he couldn’t risk putting the whole country into a nationwide panic just so that he got to speak to his mom one last time, but a part of him was itching to do so anyways.

She’d need to hear his voice; she’d be so confused when they told her that he’d…

Reid felt tears begin to build. He needed to do something.

“Garcia.” He thought aloud, quickly bringing out his phone and dialing her number.

“Hey Reid” a sad sounding Garcia answered.

“‘Reid’, wow, no, uh… no witty Garcia greeting for me?”

“Oh, I can’t be my sparkly self when you are where you are.”

Reid swallowed a lump in his throat, beginning to get a little emotional as the situation was hitting him. He knew he wasn’t getting out of this, but now it was really starting to feel real.

“Uh, Garcia,” he awkwardly started, “do you think you could do something for me?”

“Anything.”

“I, uh… I know I can’t call my mom without, uh…” he cleared his throat as the emotion became known in his voice, “without alerting everyone at her hospital.”

He heard a sad gasp on the other end. “What do you need?” Garcia asked, clearly distressed.

“I, uh… I need you to record a message for her… in case anything happens to me.”

“Oh, huh, nothing’s gunna happen to you, you’re gunna… brilliantly find out who did this and we’re gunna treat the strain.” Garcia said, feigning happiness in her voice. He could tell that even she didn’t believe what she was saying.

“I hope you’re right.” He said, a small smile appearing on his face at her optimism. “But if you’re not, I just… I really wanna make sure that she hears my voice.”

There was a pause as Garcia absorbed what he’d said. Reid could feel the tears returning to his eyes once again. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He wasn’t supposed to die before his mom, and certainly not from anthrax.

“ok, just give me a second.” Reid heard lots of clicking from Garcia’s keyboard on the other end of the call as she pulled up a file.

“Are you ready?”

“Ready.”

Reid took a deep, shuttering breath. “Hi mom. This is Spencer. I just, um… I just, really want you to know that, I love you, and-” his voice caught in his throat. Reid cleared it, a tear dripping down his face as he started speaking again. “I need you to know that… I spend every day of my life… proud… to be your son.”

He wanted to say more. There was so much more that he needed to tell his mom. But he knew that if he kept speaking, he was going to fully breakdown, and he needed his mind in the game. He sniffed, wiping away the stray tears on his face.

“Reid?” Garcia said, asking if he was still there.

Just then, he heard Dr. Kimura on the other side of the door. The team was about to come in. He quickly scrubbed his face of any sign of emotion, taking a shuttering breath.

“I gotta go.” He said, quickly hanging up the phone.

Reid set down the clipboard he’d been holding, turning to face Dr. Kimura.

“Dr. Reid.”

“You look nice.” He said, chuckling at the sight of her wearing the full body hazmat suit.

She smiled, “I haven’t been in this outfit for a while.”

“How are- how are the patients doing?”

“Let’s worry about you.”

Reid’s eyebrows shot up; he’d been trying to get the attention off of himself after all. His brain started to think of a proper lie to spin up.

“Uh, I actually, I feel fine.” He stated quickly. Inside he cringed, that was not a very convincing performance.

Dr. Kimura did not look convinced, but she went along with his lie. “Okay, if you feel any pain, I could give you something.”

“No I- I’d rather not take any pain medication.”

“We can at least make you feel more comfortable.”

Reid’s mind instantly went to the thought of Dilauded. Oh, how he craved to have that in his system right now. It would numb the pain in his lungs and his mind…

He quickly snapped back to reality, realizing the addiction was trying to take hold of him.

“I am comfortable, and I don’t want to take any narcotics.”

“…okay.” Dr. Kimura stated, nodding her head in unsaid understanding of his statement. “Tell me how I can help.”

Reid swallowed, feeling lots of pain in his throat as he did so. “I think the cure for the strain is in here somewhere.”

“Where shall I start, here?”

“Doc- Doctor Nichols is a former military scientist,” he began, starting to quickly walk around the room once more, “which means he’s most likely secretive and most likely a little paranoid. He would’ve protected the cure, and probably would’ve hidden it from his partner. So, look for something innocuous, something you would not suspect.”

“Alright.”

Reid wiped the sweat off his brow. He was starting to get really hot, and he could feel sweat pouring down his forehead. His phone began to ring so he grabbed it out of his pocket. Reid coughed a little into his hand before answering.

“Hello.” He said, voice cracking a little.

“How’s it going in there, kid?” It was Morgan.

“I’ve seen better days.” He said, cringing as his throat stung from speaking.

“Well you’ve got me and Garcia.”

“Hey Reid.” Garcia said in a light voice.

Reid started to reply, but his voice caught suddenly. He coughed into his hand once more, trying to clear his throat.

“Reid, stick with me.” Morgan said, encouraging him. Reid wanted to speak, but he was too afraid that he’d begin coughing again. It was becoming harder to speak and breath, and the tickle in his throat was getting worse. “Listen, Prentiss and Rossi don’t think the partner was a coworker, can you tell us anything else about him?”

“I’ve to- uh…” He struggled, speaking breathily, “I’ve already been through everything.”

“Come on now, kid, I know you’re not thinking straight but the Reid I know wouldn’t stop looking.”

Reid nodded at this, motivating himself to get moving again. His brain was becoming a little fuzzy, swirling from possible fever and lack of oxygen.

“Alright, alright. I see a, uh, framed photograph of Dr. Nichols teaching. I see, uh, a binder w-with syllabi. Course assignments. Going all the way back to the 1970s.” His chest was really starting to hurt now, it was like he was breathing through something thick, his lungs felt heavy.

Morgan startled him out of his thoughts, “alright, so he kept a scrapbook of himself as a professor. That tells us that he values himself as an educator.”

“A teacher.” Reid stated, quickly walking to the other desk. “I saw something earlier, I didn’t- um I didn’t make the connection to it or to the partner, but he has a study on anthrax.” His breaths were becoming more desperate now, he couldn’t talk for as long without breathing. It was making it hard to speak. “He has an annotated bibliography, table of contents, it’s formatted like a thesis and has writing in the margins in red ink, like the way a teacher grades a paper. Now, Nichols wouldn’t have just let anyone in here, but he may have opened his lab for educational purposes, as a teacher.”

“So the partner must have appealed to him as a student. Nichols is helping him with his thesis.”

“I- I can look up local PhD students” Garcia chimed in, typing immediately beginning on her line.

Reid tried to catch his breath as Morgan spoke again. “Yeah, check the sciences. Biochemistry. Microbiology.”

“Cross checking with names of former employees or customers with grievances at the bookstore.” There was a pause before a beeping sound came through. “Nothing, my doves.”

Reid suddenly began coughing into his arm, trying to muffle the sound. It was taking a lot out of him; he was beginning to feel faint from the lack of oxygen.

But he pushed through, “Listen to this, ‘this country is woefully unprepared.’ ‘every household should have a 2-month supply of cipro.’ ‘Hospitals are in need of bio-safety level 4 decon wings.’”

“That's verbatim to what we heard from Nichols. The partner's adopted Nichols' views as his own.” Morgan commented.

Reid continued, “The chapters are on setting up triage and mobile emergency rooms. I don't think this paper was written by a science student. It's about city preparedness and response.”

“So, Garcia, check with students in the social studies-- Public policy, urban planning.”

“Hot to trot. There's a Chad Brown, School of Public Policy at U of M. Matches a Chad Brown, former employee at the book front.” Garcia quickly read.

“That's gotta be him.”

“Totally. he's been in the doctoral program on and off for 5 years. Nix on a steady job. Was slapped with a restraining order from his former girlfriend and has been arrested and released twice at protest rallies in DC. I'll tell Hotch.” Garcia quickly hung up the phone, leaving just Morgan and Reid on the line.

“Kid, you did real good. Now get the hell out of there.”

“Bye.” Reid said, hanging up the phone. He coughed a bit more as Dr. Kimura approached him.

“Dr. Reid. You said the cure would be hidden somewhere We wouldn't suspect.” She held up an item he hadn’t noticed before. “What about Nichols' inhaler?”

His brows furrowed for a moment before realizing that she was probably correct. That was a very inconspicuous place for Nichols to hide it. And his partner would never look there for it.

Reid started to reply, but began coughing instead, unable to form any words. He began slumping over, Dr. Kimura quickly helping him to the ground. She helped him sit on the floor, unbuttoning his shirt slightly so that his airways were clear.

When he finally managed to catch his breath his head was pounding, his throat and chest hurt like hell and he could barely breath.

“We need to get you out of here, now.”

Dr. Kimura began helping him stand carefully, him placing a bit of his weight on her shoulder. They walked him outside into the tent that was waiting for him. He’d need to be scrubbed down before they went to the hospital to make sure he didn’t have any traces of anthrax on him.
The team started spraying him with a hose. Reid relaxed into the cold water. He didn’t realize how hot he was until now. Morgan walked in the other side of the tent, on the phone with someone.

‘Probably Hotch.’ He thought, coughing a bit more. Morgan hung up, taking a step towards Reid.

“They’re checking out Brown’s house.”

“Go help Hotch.” Reid quickly stated in a weak voice.

Morgan stared at him in disbelief. “Hotch has plenty of people helping him.”

“He needs you more than I do.” Reid said unconvincingly. Truthfully, he didn’t want Morgan to leave him, he needed his brother by his side. He was scared. But there wasn’t time for that. Preventing a mass attack was more important than Morgan staying with him.

“Reid, I’m gunna see you off to the hospital.”

Reid needed to convince him to go. Hotch needed him, the team needed him. So, he said the only thing he could think of. “I’m about to get naked so they can scrub me down. Is that something you really wanna see?”

Morgan’s eyes widened in slight horror at the thought, and Reid smirked, knowing his plan worked. The man turned to walk out, “I’ll check on you later. Take good care of him, please” he said, addressing the whole team.

Dr. Kimura appeared, handing the inhaler to another team member. “Get this to the lab.” She turned to face him. “I hope you’re right about this.”

Reid nodded in agreement. “So do I.”

He began taking off his tie when Dr. Kimura’s eyes widened in horror. “Dr. Reid did you cut yourself?”

Reid turned, looking at his hand. A dark skin ulcer was forming where he’d nicked his hand on a rosebush earlier.

No wonder he was coming down so much more quickly than the other victims. Not only did he have exposure to a large amount of the anthrax via his lungs, but it had also entered his body through the cut on his hand.

He turned to look at Dr. Kimura with an equal amount of horror. Their time had just been cut even shorter. His chances of survival were now much slimmer.

The team quickly scrubbed him down, and they gave him some dry scrubs to dress in. He stumbled to the ambulance, EMTs quickly getting him hooked up to monitors and Dr. Kimura began listening to his breathing.

The ambulance quickly took off, making its way to the hospital. Reid began coughing more and more, his chest getting tighter each time.

“How are you feeling Dr. Reid?”

Reid coughed a few more times before answering. “My throat’s a little dry, but other than that I feel fin… fin… I fleel fin…”

His brain felt like it was in a fog. He couldn’t form coherent sentences. He didn’t know what was happening to him exactly, only that it was bad.

Reid’s eyes began to flutter when he started coughing again, black surrounding the edges of his vision as he was beginning to lose consciousness.

He heard lots of alarms and beeping going off, but he couldn’t focus on anything other than catching his breath. His whole body was sore and shaking, and his lungs felt like they were bleeding. Something metallic filled his mouth and he felt some liquid begin to spill out of the corner of his mouth.

There was lots of shouting and hands grabbing his body, but Reid’s consciousness slipped. He was breathing very shallowly, and soon he felt nothing anymore.

He was floating through a fog, body feeling incredibly heavy and sore. It felt like he’d got hit by a bus. It hurt to breath.

Reid opened his eyes to slits, cringing at the brightness of the light in the room. A fuzzy figure was sitting in front of him.

Morgan. He was reading something and holding… something red looking. Reid blinked, attempting to clear his vision, and attempted wetting his mouth. It was incredibly dry. He gently lifted his head, getting a clearer view of the man.

“You eating jello?” he asked in a very weak voice.

Derek instantly turned his head, beaming at him. “Heh,” he laughed lightly, “hey kid.”

Reid scrunched his eyes shut, attempting to fill the gap in his memory. He turned his head, looking out into the hallway.

“Hey, doc. Look who’s back.” Derek said to Dr. Kimura, who was standing outside of the unit.

He looked back to Morgan, suddenly realizing how hungry and dehydrated he was. “Is there any more jello?”

“Hey,” Dr. Kimura said, walking into the room with a smile on her face, “not so fast.”

Reid weakly propped himself up on his elbows, tiredly looking to Morgan.

“What happened?”

“You’re gunna be alright kid. And we got Brown. It’s over.”

“How’s Abby?”

“She’s on the mend, so are the three others. You we’re right about where to look for his cure.”

Reid smiled at this, happy that they’d managed to save those who were left and prevent a mass catastrophe from occurring. His brows began to furrow though at the question that was still hanging in the air.

“Why was Dr. Nichols making anthrax in the first place?”

“He was a brain scientist downgraded to working on the flu. Brown comes along asking for help on his thesis-”

Reid shut his eyes, understanding where Morgan was going with this, “he would have been more than happy to share his knowledge.”

“There was no indication that Nichols had any idea what Brown was planning.”

“His strain and its cure are getting locked up in containment at Fort Detrick, with all the other bio-agents that people don’t know about.”

“Hmm, really? What else do they have locked up in there?”

Dr. Kimura shrugged, before turning back to Reid. She stepped forward, looking through his chart and checking vitals. His oxygen levels were still fairly low, hanging around 85%. He couldn’t be taken off the oxygen until it was at least at 90%, and ideally, he’d get back to normal at some point.

The ulcer on his hand had shrunk and was getting back to looking like another random cut, which was an improvement as well.

“Now, Dr. Reid, what other pain are you having.”

“Kid, no lying here.” Derek interjected before Reid could even answer.

He nodded, taking a few breaths before speaking.

“Uh it’s hard to breath, obviously, and my body is pretty sore. Uh, I h-have a little bit of a headache and my mouth is dry. A-and um my throat’s sore too, I guess.” His blinks were getting longer and longer as he spoke, all the energy leaving his body. He felt like he could go back to sleep for a week.

He heard shoes coming a little closer and opened his eyes to see the doctor closer to his side. “I’ll grab you some water to drink, but then I want you to get some rest. We’re gunna keep you here under observation for a few days to make sure you get back on your feet.”

Reid nodded at this, eyes drifting closed again. He heard her footsteps retreat and felt himself losing the battle to stay awake.

Seemingly only a second later, Reid was shaken awake by Derek. The man was holding a cup of water with a straw for him to drink. Reid lethargically blinked, attempting to sit up but was too weak to do so on his own. Derek quickly sat down on the bed next to him, propping him up against his chest so that he could drink. The man held the cup up to Reid’s mouth. He quickly gulped down the water, thankful for the soothing effect it had on his throat.

When he finished, Derek put it back on the table next to them and started to scoot out from under Reid.

“Mmmph, M-gn.” Reid mumbled, holding onto the man’s shirt as he tried to move away.

“It’s okay kid, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here next to you.”

“Morgannn” he whined, not wanting the warm body to leave him.

“Okay, I’ll be right back, alright?” Morgan slid out from under Reid before he could argue, quickly making his way to the door. He shut it, pulling back the curtains so the whole hospital wasn’t staring at them. He turned off the lights and closed the blinds before sliding back into the bed besides Reid.

Morgan picked him up, dragging him atop his chest. Reid immediately leaned into the touch, sighing as he rested against his big brother. He was out almost immediately, breathing evening out quickly.

Morgan smiled, ruffling the kid’s hair a bit. He grabbed his phone from the table, texting their group chat to update the team that Reid had woken up and was steadily improving. Everyone had wanted to come by today, but Dr. Kimura wouldn’t have let them in anyways since Reid was in the ICU. She’d only broken protocol for Morgan because he’d been there at the house with them the whole time.

Hopefully they’d be able to move him to a normal room by tomorrow, and people could come visit then.

Until then, Morgan would watch over him.

Chapter Text

PT 2

Reid was relieved when he’d been moved out of the ICU. He’d be happier once he was out of the hospital all together, but for now, this was good enough. At least now he had his own bathroom and a bit more privacy.

Morgan left a little while ago, needing to get home and get some rest of his own. He hadn’t been home since before the case had begun, hanging out with Reid in the hospital once they’d caught the unsub.

But Reid insisted he went home now that he was out of the ICU. He didn’t want Morgan to be stuck in the hospital with him for the next few days.

Plus, he didn’t want Morgan to see how shitty he actually felt. He was definitely better than he’d been, there was no doubt about that. But Reid still felt horrible.

It was still difficult to breath; his body was incredibly sore, and he felt very nauseous. One of the nurses had come in a little while ago with some bland food for him to eat, but he hadn’t taken a bite yet. He felt like he might puke just looking at the food.

Reid also felt exhausted. He could probably sleep for a few days and still be tired. So, he decided that instead of eating, maybe he’d just go back to sleep. Sure, the medical staff probably wouldn’t be too happy with him about that, but he could always claim it wasn’t on purpose.

His eyes slid closed and Reid turned on his side, facing away from the door. He pulled his legs up against his chest, curling into a ball. It was awkward, maneuvering with all the different devices he was hooked up to, from the oxygen cannula in his nose to the IV in his hand, but he made it work. He coughed a few times when his breath caught in his chest, but luckily there wasn’t any blood anymore, so he took that as a good sign.

He shivered under the thin blanket, pulling his body in even closer. Reid huffed, annoyed that it was so cold in the room.

Despite his shivering, Reid managed to drift off into a light slumber.

~

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed before he began to rouse, but whispering voices are what brought him back to consciousness. His body felt heavy and warm.

Reid opened his eyes to a squint and he immediately noticed Prentiss sitting in a chair in front of him. She was looking over him at someone else, speaking quietly to them. There was a bouquet of flowers sitting on one of the tables behind her and some balloons as well which read ‘Get Well Soon’. It made him smile.

“Em?” his voice was raspy when he spoke, but Emily immediately jumped up, inching closer to Reid. He pushed himself onto his back, looking to see who else was in the room. Garcia was walking towards him with a smile on her face. “Penelope?”

“Spencer! You’re awake! How are you feeling?” Emily asked, placing a hand on his arm. Garcia grabbed his other hand, holding it in her own.

“How are you doing?”

“I’m fine. What are you guys doing here?”

The two exchanged a look, Prentiss rolling her eyes and Garcia shaking her head.

“Yeah I’m sure you’re feeling amazing. You look like a million bucks.” Prentiss stated sarcastically, causing Garcia to laugh.

“Hun, no offense but you look awful,” Garcia said softly, “which is understandable. You almost died from anthrax. We’re here because the team wasn’t just going to abandon you in the hospital.”

Reid’s brows furrowed in slight confusion. Didn’t they have somewhere more important to be? It’s not like he would be going anywhere for the next few days. “You guys don’t have to stay-”

“Oh my god spennnnnnnccccceeerrrrr we’re not leaving. This is the best, most important place we could be right now, don’t think you’re going to convince us otherwise.” Emily said, shaking her head.

Reid closed his mouth, still confused, but too exhausted to argue with them. He was grateful they were there; he just didn’t want them to feel obligated to staying with him. He looked down, noticing the bright colored heavy blanket laying on top of the typical white hospital sheet. Immediately he recognized it from Garcia’s office.

“Thanks for bringing this” he said, nodding down towards the blanket.

“Are you kidding? Of course! I knew you’d need a blanket since you’re always cold.” Garcia stated. Reid’s brows shot up in confusion. He’d never mentioned that to anyone before, but he was pretty constantly chilly, probably due to his low amount of body fat.

Prentiss spoke up before Reid could, “Before you try and deny it, we all see you constantly shivering and putting on more layers. We are profilers, don’t look so shocked, Spencer.”

“Anyways, the doc said you needed to eat something when you woke up,” Garcia said, changing the subject, “she insisted.” She picked up a plate with plain toast on it and a jell-o cup, offering them to Reid.

He paled at the sight of them, a wave of nausea hitting him once again at the thought of eating something. “Um, I’m good. Thanks.”

Emily rubbed his arm affectionately, noting his blanched complexion.

Garcia looked at him with pity, “You need to eat something hun. Please? Maybe just a bite of jell-o? You haven’t eaten anything since before you got sick. And I don’t remember seeing you eat anything during the case either, so it’s clearly been too long.”

“When was the last time you ate something, Reid?” Emily asked, looking concerned.

Reid thought back to the case. Once he’d been infected, he hadn’t had anything. Before that… He remembered drinking coffee that morning, but he hadn’t had breakfast. And he’d skipped dinner the night before…

He bit his lip, connecting the dots. He hadn’t eaten in almost four days. They were right, he did need to eat something. Plus, he’d probably feel better once he had something in his stomach.

Reid held his hand out towards Garcia, refusing to answer the question but gesturing towards the jell-o.

She handed it to him, giving a small smile. Emily helped him tear off the top, his hands were too shaky to do it himself, and he quietly stared at the jell-o, working up the courage to take a bite.

The two women started speaking about nothing in particular, knowing that Reid wouldn’t want all the attention on him right now.

After a few minutes, he took a bite. The nausea was still there, but it wasn’t horrible, and he didn’t gag at all after he had swallowed his first bite. Slowly, he kept eating until the cup was gone. His stomach did feel a bit of relief, and he felt a little bit better than he had before.

Prentiss handed him a cup of water, which he quickly downed after realizing how thirsty he’d been. The two kept talking and Reid very quickly began to drift off again, already exhausted once more.

~

The next morning when Reid awoke, the two women were still there, and Morgan was back as well. Emily and Penelope were both asleep in their chairs, but Morgan was sipping on coffee, reading the newspaper in his. He looked up, making eye contact with Reid, and smiled, putting down the paper.

“Hey kid, how yah doin?”

Reid smiled, trying to blink away the exhaustion, “Better.”

Morgan leaned forwards, ruffling his hair.

“Morgan?”

“Yeah kid.”

“Can you, uh, help me up?”

“Why?”

“I wanna shower.”

“Kid, you’re not off oxygen yet, I don’t think they’re gunna let you take a shower.”

Reid frowned, realizing the cannula was still under his nose. He knew he was still struggling to breath a little, but he just felt so disgusting. He glanced at the machine next to him, reading his own oxygen levels. They were tapering between 88 and 89%.

That was good enough, right? They’d get to take him off when he reached 90% anyways, and the machine probably had a slight error, so he was probably okay by now anyways. He turned back to Derek, giving the biggest puppy dog eyes he could. The man immediately frowned, recognizing his tactic.

“Damnit kid no-”

“but… please?” Reid frowned, looking as pathetic as possible.

“Kid it’s about your health, it’s not up to me-”

“Derrrreeeekkkkkkk-”

“Spencer, no-”

“pleassssssssssse”

“God damnit.” Morgan said, breaking eye contact. Reid knew he’d been successful. “Alright, but no locking the door and if you start to feel bad at all you need to tell me right away okay? And I’m gunna check in every few minutes to make sure you haven’t collapsed”

Reid rolled his eyes, but nodded, agreeing to the man’s terms.

They carefully removed the oxygen cannula and unhooked him from the machines. Luckily, they’d taken out his IV drip line, otherwise this would’ve been much more difficult.

Morgan helped Reid maneuver so that he was sitting sideways, legs hanging off the edge of the bed. He slowly put his feet on the ground, flinching at how cold the floor was. Morgan wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling Reid’s arm around his shoulder. Then, they slowly stood him up.

Reid was immediately hit by a wave of dizziness, but luckily Morgan was there to hold him up.

“Kid I don’t think this is a good idea.”

Reid shut his eyes, shaking his head to clear it. “No, no, I’m fine.” He reopened his eyes; the dizziness having dissipated. “I’m okay.”

Morgan nodded, looking unsure, but helped him move forwards anyways. It was a slow walk, Reid’s body still very weak. His chest felt tight and he was panting a lot more than he probably should’ve been, but he was determined.

They finally made it to the bathroom and Morgan deposited Reid on the toilet lid, letting him catch his breath. Reid closed his eyes, trying to catch his breath. He coughed a few times, but it didn’t get out of control.

“You sure you’re up for this?” Morgan asked. Reid opened his eyes, seeing a very skeptical Morgan standing in front of him. He glanced to the shower, noticing it was already on. Morgan must’ve turned it on for him. Reid nodded, taking a deep breath before starting to stand again.

Once he got upright, he was able to hold himself up on his own (with the exception of one hand holding the wall).

“Need help?” Reid shook his head, gesturing for Morgan to leave. He turned to go but kept an eye on him as he retreated. He left the door cracked, and Reid was sure he was probably standing right outside, ready to sprint in at a moment’s notice.

Reid sighed, awkwardly undoing the ties on the hospital gown he wore and throwing it on the counter. He quickly climbed in the shower, pulling the curtain so that he was shielded.

The water temperature was perfect. Reid immediately let out a sigh of relief, finally feeling warm for the first time in a few days. It felt amazing to get the sweat off of his body and wash his hair. Inhaling the steam made his lungs feel a little bit better, and his throat felt less scratchy as well. He would’ve stayed in there all day, but it was beginning to get hard to hold himself up. He felt like he might fall asleep on his feet if he didn’t get himself out soon. He didn’t know if he’d ever be able to live down Morgan having to come in and carry him out of the shower naked.

Reid stepped out, drying off quickly. He immediately began shivering, having taken the warmth of the water for granted. He threw the gown back on over his skinny body and proceeded to sit on the toilet, taking the time to towel dry his hair. By the time he was done, he was completely exhausted, but it had been worth it.

Reid cleared his throat, attempting to call for Morgan, but his breath caught. It sent him spiraling into a coughing fit. He began coughing hard into his elbow, struggling to stop. He heard Morgan’s voice, but was too distracted to understand what the man was saying.

Reid was not surprised when the man appeared in the bathroom a minute or so later, immediately kneeling in front of him. He made eye contact with Morgan, starting to become terrified that he couldn’t seem to breath. Morgan instantly grabbed him, easily lifting him and carrying him into the other room.

He placed him in the bed gently, but Reid couldn’t stop coughing. He couldn’t breathe. His vision was starting to darken from the lack of oxygen, and he was starting to taste blood in his mouth again.

Reid’s eyes were starting to slip shut, and he heard voices shouting, but the only thing he could focus on was the fact that he couldn’t breathe. His breaths were becoming more and more shallow and his body was giving up.

Thankfully, Reid suddenly felt air rush into his lungs. He took as deep a breath as he could, shakily reaching up to clutch the mask that had been put on his face. Reid realized that there must be people around, because someone was petting his hair, another person was holding his unoccupied hand, and a third was trying to wipe the accidental tears away from his face.

When he finally felt like he could breathe again, Reid opened his eyes. Morgan, Prentiss, and Garcia all looked extremely worried, but lightened up when he’d looked at them.

“We’re not going to try anything like that again Reid.” Morgan said, looking serious but voice wavering as if he was scared. Reid made eye contact with him, nodding lazily in agreement.

Reid wanted to say something like ‘thank you’, but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to talk. Instead, he let himself succumb to his exhaustion, falling asleep while still clutching the oxygen mask on his face like a lifeline.

~

The next time Reid awoke, it was clearly afternoon. He blinked, letting his eyes adjust to the light filtering in the room and smiled when he noticed Morgan and Rossi standing at the end of his bed, talking.

“Look who’s awake.” Rossi said when he noticed Reid waking up.

Reid lazily smiled, “hey” he said softly, pushing himself on his elbows.

“You slept all day yesterday after your coughing episode, really did a number on yourself, kid.”

Reid’s eyebrows shot up. “Wait, what?”

The two exchanged a glance, laughing before Rossi stepped towards him. “You’ve been asleep for over 24 hours, but it’s okay, you needed your rest.”

Reid rubbed his forehead with his hands. “Shit. At least I can breathe again.”

“Your numbers are much better today,” Rossi said, nodding towards the machine. His O2 levels read ‘93%’. Thank god it was back in the normal range!

“Hey, kid, on a another note-” Morgan walked around his side, grabbing a plate of food and placing it in Reid’s lap “eat up. You’ve got a chest x-ray in a few hours and if it’s all clear you might get to go home tomorrow,” Reid’s brows shot up in excitement, but Morgan continued, “but you’ve gotta eat and hydrate as well.”

Reid nodded, grabbing the toast that lay in front of him. He ate it fairly slowly, not wanting to accidently choke on a piece and have another episode and drank some water. He was grateful that Rossi and Morgan were there with him, just keeping him company.

When it was time for his chest x-ray, the two of them helped him get into the wheelchair and walked with him down to the room. They’d waited right outside for him as the doctor took scans and were ready for him when he was done. It felt childish to admit to himself but going through the whole process had been a little intimidating, and he was thankful that they’d been there for it.
A little while later the doctor came in, saying that his lungs were on their way to recovering.

“They may never heal fully,” Dr. Kimura said seriously, “your lymph nodes look to be okay luckily, but it’s hard to gage how much of your alveoli were damaged. For now, we need you to just take it easy, no hard exercising or doing any activity that will cause too much exertion. We want your lungs to heal as much as they possibly can, which means no overextending yourself. Understand?”

“Yeah.” Reid said, nodding. It was hard to hear, but he’d known when he’d first gotten infected what was happening to his lungs. He was lucky to have survived at all, but it did suck to know that he’d probably forever deal with breathing problems.

Dr. Kimura smiled, putting down her chart. “Now, it looks like you are healing well. Despite the setback yesterday morning, any blood that you coughed up seemed to come from your throat being dry, not your lungs, which was a good sign. You can probably be released from the hospital tomorrow as long as you continue improving.”

“Really?” Reid asked excitedly. He couldn’t wait to be out of here and back in his own bed.

“Yes. I recommend someone stay with you to make sure you’re taking your medication and not pushing yourself too hard, but I see no other reason to keep you under observation as long as we have no more setbacks. I do want you coming in next week though for another chest scan. We need to keep monitoring the progress of your healing.”

Reid nodded, smiling with excitement. He was going to be able to go home. Finally.

The rest of the night was a blur, Reid buzzing with excitement that he’d get to go home. Morgan volunteered to stay with him at his apartment and he didn’t leave any room for argument.

The next day went well, Reid’s oxygen levels were improving even more, and he was genuinely feeling much better. He managed to eat more food and was not as exhausted either.

Around 3pm, he was finally released from the hospital. He had awkwardly gotten dressed into the clothing Morgan had brought for him. He’d loaned him some of his own clothing, giving him much too large sweatpants and a sweatshirt, but Reid couldn’t complain. They were soft and warm, and he was leaving the hospital, so nothing could ruin his mood.

Morgan wheeled him out the front entrance, where Rossi was waiting for them in the car. Morgan helped him get into the car, and they drove towards Reid’s apartment.

As the scenery passed, he couldn’t help but reflect on how lucky he’d been. He should’ve died from the anthrax, yet somehow, again, he’d narrowly evaded death. Reid smiled, thinking about how grateful he was for his friends as well. The fact that they’d been keeping him company at the hospital was incredible, and Reid truly didn’t know how he’d gotten so lucky.

“Thank you, guys, for, yah know, being there.” Reid said, briefly interrupting Rossi and Morgan’s conversation.

Rossi eyed him through the rearview, smiling. “It’s no problem kiddo.” He said, before glancing back towards the road.

Morgan turned around in his seat, facing Reid. He patted him on the knee, smiling. “There’s no place I’d rather be. Don’t worry, you’ll be back to normal in no time.”

Reid smiled, looking out the window once more.

Yeah, he was super lucky to have a family like this one.

Chapter Text

S5 E1

“Barton!” Reid shouted, immediately standing to run after the man. If he was right, then the unsub would probably be outside waiting for him!

He sprinted towards the doorway, seeing a man outside with a gun. He was raising it up to shoot Barton, Reid had to act quick. So, he did the first thing he thought of. He tackled Barton to the ground.

A shot rang out as Reid fell, and he immediately felt pain in his leg.

“Ugh!” He let out a cry of pain but tried to compose himself. He immediately sat up, glancing at his leg. There was blood flowing out and he placed his hand over the wound, putting pressure on it to stop the flow. He groaned in pain but turned his attention back to the civilian. “Are you hit?”

“No.”

Reid breathed a sigh of relief, looking back to the unsub. He was beginning to approach. Reid reached for his gun, but noticed it was no longer in its holster. He looked to the side, noticing it sitting on the ground a few feet from himself.

“Get my gun. My gun!” he said, pointing to the weapon. The man quickly leaned over, handing it to him. He grabbed it, attempting to get a good grip with the slick blood on his palm.

“Get away from him! Get away from him!” The unsub shouted, continuing his approach.

“Whatever you do, stay down” Reid ordered. He took a deep breath, pushing down the pain and nausea, trying to stay composed. He sat up, aiming his gun at the unsub, trying to ignore his own wound.

“Don’t protect him!”

“Drop the gun!”

“He killed my son!”

“He did not kill your son!” Reid shouted, scooching his body further in front of where Barton was laying, making sure he would be shielded from any bullet that came their way. He felt adrenaline start to rush through his body and he got a burst of energy, pain dissipating for the moment. “Your son was killed by a car accident.”

“Stand up!”

“I’m gunna ask you again, I do not wanna shoot you, please drop the gun.”

“Stand up you coward!”

“Mr. Meyers, listen to me, alright? It’s over. Dr. Barton did not kill your son. Your son was killed by a car. And this is not what he would want. Okay? So, drop the gun, please.”

Reid heard the sounds of sirens and let out a sigh of relief. The unsub was lowering his weapon, and it looked like he’d gotten through to him. However, a new look appeared on the man’s face as realization that his son was gone seemed to set in. It was a look of determination, one that Reid had seen too many times before.

“Don’t do it.” He pleaded.

The unsub turned to look at him once more. “I’m sorry,” he said, beginning to raise the gun at them once more. The man aimed at him and Reid knew he had no choice.

He pulled the trigger.

A shot rang out, and Reid watched as the unsub fell to the ground. His heart was beating fast, and he sighed, upset at himself. Once again, he was unsuccessful at talking down an unsub. Barton started looking at his leg, but Reid knew if there was a chance, that he should try and save the unsub’s life.

“I’m fine, go to him. Go to him!” he shouted, gesturing at the unsub who was lying face down on the ground. “Kick his gun away,” he instructed as Dr. Barton approached the man, “make sure his gun’s not near him.”

Reid placed a hand on his own wound again, trying to stop the bleeding. There was a lot of blood, but his body seemed to be numb. It was probably the adrenaline, or shock. Reid shook his head, attempting to clear it, focusing on the doctor trying to save the unsub’s life. His vision was starting to get fuzzy, and the sirens sounded like they were getting further away, but he had to hang on a little longer. He had to make sure his team knew about Hotch.

Pain seemed to come back again; this time much worse than it had before. The arm that had been holding him up gave out, and he collapsed even further on the ground, starting to become lightheaded. He tried to keep his hand on the wound, but he just didn’t have enough strength to keep the proper amount of pressure on it. It stung immensely, and his whole leg was aching.

He tried to focus back up, knowing the doctor needed some assistance. He propped himself up as much as he could off the ground, seeing an ambulance pull up.

“The medics are almost here; can you keep him stabilized?” He shouted, a little weaker than earlier.

“Yes, I think so” Dr. Barton replied, keeping pressure over the man’s wound. “Hold on, hold on, the ambulance is right here, help is coming alright?” The man spoke to the unsub, immediately slipping into doctor mode.

Reid felt his arm give out again, slumping backwards onto the grass again. He was losing too much blood; he wasn’t going to be able to stay awake much longer.

His hearing started to go out after he saw the EMTs pull up. His job was now done. Hopefully they could save the man in time. Reid felt his hand was shaking and it started to slip off the wound as he was becoming less and less aware of his surroundings. The pain was becoming too much.

However, he felt a new hand slide over his wound. He lazily looked up at Dr. Barton, who was now applying pressure to his own wound.

“Looks like it went clean through.” The man remarked. Reid nodded, trying to keep his eyes open, grinding his teeth in pain. His stomach rolled and he felt like he may vomit, but he pushed that feeling away.

He took a deep breath looking back to the doctor. “You might’ve just saved his life.”

The doctor nodded, grabbing his hand and placing it over the wound. “Keep pressure on this, okay?” Reid nodded, glancing up to see his team running towards him. He noticed the man’s son who looked terrified at the scene that was playing out in front of their house.

“I’m good, I’m fine. Go to your son.” The man looked up, glancing at his son, before turning back to Reid, but he insisted; “I’m good. I’m fine, go.” Dr. Barton nodded, standing and rushing to his son.

JJ and Morgan jogged up, looking confused as to why he just sent the doctor away.

“You okay?” JJ asked, concerned and confused.

“Yeah, fine.”

“We’ll get you to a hospital.” Morgan said, grabbing Reid’s gun off the ground.

Reid gasped in pain but turned his attention back to the group, he needed to tell them. “You need to find Emily. Call Emily.”

“Where is she?” Rossi asked, approaching their group.

“Something’s happened to Hotch.” The team exchanged glances. Reid took a shuttering breath, clearing his throat, “He’s in the hospital, call Emily. I’m fine, please, call Emily.”

Rossi nodded, pulling his phone out and stepping away, but Morgan and JJ stayed next to him. JJ placed her hand over top his, applying more pressure to the wound. Reid gasped in pain at this, cringing. His hearing started to go out again and he could feel the world start spinning around him.

His arm gave out and he was lying flat on the ground. He groaned, hearing shouting but not understanding the words. Reid opened his eyes again, noticing Morgan calling people over. He turned back to Reid, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“St-- with me --d” Reid heard through cotton. This was a lot different than the last time he’d been shot, Reid thought. That time he’d passed out so quick, but this time was so much more painful.

He didn’t realize he’d shut his eyes until a hand was grasping his cheek, asking him to open them again. Reid didn’t want to though, he wanted to pass out. He wanted the pain to go away. So that’s what he did, he let the pain slip away and went limp on the ground.

When Reid awoke, he was in a hospital bed. The first thing he noticed was the ever-present pain in his leg, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been. He opened his eyes, glancing around the room.

JJ was sitting in a chair next to him, staring at her phone.

“How’s Hotch?” he asked, causing her to startle.

“Spence! You’re awake!” She jumped up, immediately giving him a hug. Reid returned weakly, smiling. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine, JJ, is Hotch okay?”

She frowned but nodded. “He’s hanging in there. He woke up a few times and is clearly in pain, but he’s okay.” She took a deep breath, looking downwards. “Foyet tried to go after Haley and Jack though.”

“What?” Reid said, sitting up. He groaned a little at the unintentional shift he’d caused his leg to feel, but he continued, “are they okay?”

“Yes. Thankfully we got to them in time. But…” JJ shook her head, eyes filled with sadness, “they’re going into witness protection. It’s the only way to keep them safe from Foyet. Which means Hotch won’t be able to see them anymore.”

Reid’s jaw dropped, brows furrowing in sadness. “Shit…” he shook his head, not knowing what to say. Just then, they were interrupted by the doctor walking into the room.

He said that the bullet had gone right through, but it had shattered some of Reid’s patella on the way. They’d had go put him through surgery to fix it, and he’d be stuck on crutches for a while. Luckily, though, it looked like he’d make a full recovery.

After the doctor left, Reid let out a sigh of relief. He was not happy that he’d be on crutches, but at least he’d eventually get back to normal. Still though, he couldn’t help but feel like he’d be pretty useless for a while on the team, being confined to the desk.

Not that he was super helpful in the field either…

“Hey,” JJ said, reading him like a book, “it’s going to be okay. Even if you can’t be in the field for a while, it’s not like you’re going to get thrown off the team. We can still use that brain of yours” she said, ruffling his hair.

Reid smiled, nodding at her. “Kicking down doors is Morgan’s job anyways.” The two of them laughed at this for a while, before Reid’s attention shifted back to Hotch.

“Is he at this hospital?”

“Yeah, he’s just downstairs.”

“Go.”

JJ’s brows furrowed. “What?”

“Go to Hotch. It’s okay, he needs the team more than I do right now. I always appreciate you being with me, but I can see you’re worried about him. You keep glancing down at your phone, waiting for an update, so go. I’ll be alright. Plus, it’s not like I’m going anywhere, you can come back up later.”

JJ smiled, placing her hand on his. “I’ll only be gone for a little, and maybe I’ll bring you back a coffee.”

Reid nodded at this, smiling as he watched her walk out of the room. As much as he wanted her there, he knew that Hotch needed all the support he could get right now. If he could be there, he would be too, but for now, he just hoped the man would pull through.

Chapter Text

S5 E7

Reid hobbled back into his apartment, quickly locking his door behind himself and collapsing onto his couch. There was a pit in his stomach, a pit of guilt. It had formed the moment they’d realized that JJ had walked into a trap alone, and it was still sticking with him. Getting worse even.

She’d said that she was fine, that the doctor said she’d have a quick and easy recovery. However, that didn’t mean that Reid shouldn’t have been there.

He was going to go with her, but when they’d found Dante, who seemed to fit the profile so perfectly, he’d asked to stay behind and watch the interview. It was his choice, his fault.

Reid laid down on the couch, gritting his teeth and rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hand. He was so annoyed. He should’ve seen the signs that the unsub was a woman. If he had, JJ probably wouldn’t have gotten hurt at all, and she wouldn’t be stuck dealing with a concussion for the next few weeks.

Reid got a sudden rush of anger and disgust towards himself. He quickly stood up, grabbing one of his crutches, and walked to the bathroom. He could feel anger building. Anger towards himself.

He leaned over the sink, looking at himself in the mirror. He was pale and his sweaty hair hung loosely around his gaunt face.

‘Disgusting’ Reid thought, ‘I’m disgusting. I hurt JJ. I’m a horrible person.’

He clutched the edges of the sink until his knuckles turned white. His heart was beating faster and faster and he felt his breath speed up. Tears began to form in his eyes, and he let out a whine of frustration towards himself. He closed his eyes, clenching his jaw, and attempted to take a deep breath. But all he could feel was more self-hatred building. He shook his head at himself, disappointed and irritated.

Suddenly, there was a shattering noise and he let out an exasperated scream. Reid’s eyes snapped open and his head whipped up. His mirror was cracked and there were specks of blood all around. It took him a moment to realize it was his blood, that he had smashed his hand into the mirror in fury.

Slowly, he unclenched his shaking hand, wincing as bits of glass dug into his flesh. Reid’s breathing began speeding up once more and he blankly began sliding to the floor. The crashing of his crutch hitting the ground made him jump, but he couldn’t pull his eyes away from the number he’d done to his knuckles.

He stared at his still trembling hand, watching blood flow freely onto the white tile of his bathroom floor. A tear dripped down his face as he realized what he’d done. How broken and useless he was becoming.

‘I’m pathetic’ he realized, more tears beginning to flow freely as he continued gaping at his bloodied hand. ‘I can’t even be in the field because I got myself shot, and now everyone knows how useless I am at a desk too.’

Reid’s tears quickly turned into sobs which wracked his entire body. He clenched his bleeding hand into a fist, making no move to stop the flow of blood or pick out the pieces of glass. He raked his hands through his hair, more cruel thoughts passing through his head.

Everyone had been relying on his knowledge of vampurists during this case. When it had begun, he’d been so confident. He loved being able to spew random facts and impress people, though it only seemed to annoy the members of his team. But then, his profile was way off. There’d never been a profile so off before, and it was because of him that they’d been so wrong. He’d gotten JJ concussed, and he’d almost gotten her killed.

Adrenaline started pumping and he began feeling anger once more. Tears continued flowing freely, but he stood up, knee pain temporarily forgotten about, and stared at the broken and bloodied mirror.

His reflection was fractured. It was a more accurate representation of him, broken, damaged, useless.

He felt his heart rate accelerate, and he quickly began punching the mirror once more, over and over again, letting out a scream of agony as his knuckles broke and his hand was cut.

Reid punched and punched, glass and blood flying everywhere, tears streaming down his face, agonizingly raw noises emerging from his throat.

When he finally stopped, he felt raw and shattered himself. The mirror’s glass was barely in place anymore, leaving the dark metal and a few sharp pieces around the edge which hadn’t come unhinged.

He stood there, blankly staring at the metal for a while, utterly wrecked.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but when he came back to himself, his tears had stopped, but his face was not yet dry. He began to take notice of the mess he’d made for himself.

There was glass in the sink and on the ground, and most of it was covered in dark blood. Looking in one of the small pieces of glass still attached to the mirror, Reid noticed a long scratch along his cheekbone. He must’ve flung a piece while he was punching the glass.

He brought his right hand up to his face, only to be shocked at its appearance. The whole thing seemed to be slick with blood, knuckles cracked open and cuts everywhere. Glass shards stuck out of his fingers and on the back of his hand.

Reid’s body shook as the adrenaline rush began wearing off, and pain replaced his anger. He was unsure of what to do, but he knew he couldn’t go to the hospital. If he did that, an emergency contact would probably be called and that meant that either Hotch or Morgan would see him like this.

He couldn’t let that happen.

Carefully, Reid sat down, avoiding pieces of glass that surrounded him. Slowly he began picking up the individual shards and placing them in the trashcan. He winced as he cut himself a few times, but his hand was already wrecked, so what was a few more knicks?

When he finally finished with the ground, Reid grabbed his crutch, standing up once more. He repeated the process with all of the shards that had fallen in the sink and, eventually, the debris had been cleared.

However, there was still the blood to clean up, and the problem of the still flowing blood pouring out of his hand.

Reid was beginning to get a little lightheaded, having lost so much blood. Luckily, it seemed like the cuts were beginning to scab, but he still needed to pick out the splinters of glass from some of his wounds.

He carefully stuck his battered hand under the faucet, hissing when the water began flowing over his wounds. The water was tinted pink when it hit the porcelain and slid down the drain. Some of the smaller shards of glass became unhinged and fell out as the water flowed over, but Reid knew he’d probably have to pick some of them out with tweezers.

About ten minutes passed before he turned off the sink. His hand was stinging more and more with each passing moment, but the majority of the cuts were scabbing over. A few of his knuckles were still bleeding, and Reid wondered if they needed stitches, but he quickly shook off that thought.

He was not going to the emergency room; he didn’t need to ruin anyone of his teammate’s night off.

Reid moved through a fog, absentmindedly grabbing the tweezers and first aid kit, and making his way to the couch. He had no feeling anymore besides the pain in his hand. He just felt empty, like a void.

It took a few minutes to remove the rest of the glass, the worst one being an especially large shard residing next to one of his knuckles, but he was beginning to feel numb anyways, so it wasn’t too hard.

He got out a few butterfly bandages, placing them over a few of the nastier cuts. Reid then proceeded to tightly wrap his hand in gauze, hoping that would be enough to stop the bleeding.

He suddenly remembered the cut on his face and reached up to touch his cheek with his good hand. It came back sticky and wet with blood.

Reid probably did need stitches for that cut too, but butterfly bandages were going to have to do. He held a rag up to his face, hoping to slow the bleeding before placing three butterfly bandages over the laceration. He then awkwardly taped a piece of gauze over the cut, hoping it would also stop bleeding.

When he’d finally finished, Reid made his way to his room, collapsing atop his bed. He pulled off his work clothing and managed to throw on a plain tee and some sweats before curling up on his side, hoping to fall asleep.

Reid sat in silence for a long while, floating through existence. His mind was blank, and he felt hollow. He let his eyes slip closed, and he secretly hoped that maybe he wouldn’t be opening them again.

However, that wasn’t the case.

The next thing Reid knew, daylight was pouring in through his bedroom window. He stared out vacantly, realizing he needed to get into the office but having no motivation to go to work.

‘What does it matter anyways,’ he thought, ‘they don’t need me, I’ll just get in the way.’ He sighed, realizing that there was really no excuse for him to not go into work, and he pushed himself into a sitting position.

Glancing down at his hand, Reid noticed the bloodstains around his knuckles and a few smaller ones speckled around his hand. He’d need to change the gauze before heading in.

Robotically, Reid stood, hobbled to his living room, and proceeded to change the bandage. Some of the scabs pulled and tared when he pulled off the old gauze, but he didn’t flinch. He just replaced the new bandage and proceeded to get dressed for work.

Normally he wouldn’t have left without coffee, but Reid forgot about the drink he typically relied on and walked out his front door without it.
When Reid reached the office, he finally looked at his watch. He was a few hours late. For some reason, though, he didn’t really care.

Reid walked in the office on autopilot, snaking through the bullpen without attracting any attention to himself and plopping down at his desk.
It wasn’t until a few minutes later that he realized none of his team members were there. He was slightly confused, and he pulled out his phone for the first time in a day. He had quite a few missed texts and calls, which he quickly read though:

~BAU Baddies (Hotch, Prentiss, Garcia, Morgan, JJ, Rossi) ~

*9:23pm*

Hotch: You’ve got the day off tomorrow. Enjoy it.

Prentiss: YESSSSSS! girls day Pen & JJ!?

*6:14am*

JJ: Em I have a concussion; I don’t think I can go out drinking tonight…

Rossi: Or dinner at the Rossi Mansion? I’ll make pasta if you all bring the wine?

Morgan: ^^^

Garcia: if chocolate thunder’s there, im there <3

Prentiss: as long as there’s wine, im happy <3333

JJ: I’ll see if Will and I can find a babysitter :)

Rossi: Be here at 7:00pm.

Hotch: I’ll be there. See you then.

Prentiss: dad’s gunna be there? now I have to go

Garcia: Morgan wanna pick me up?

Morgan: you bet babygirl ;)

*7:25am*

JJ: Successfully got a sitter for Henry, Will and I will be there! Can’t wait!

Rossi: Excellent.

Prentiss: YAY!

*9:07am*

Rossi: Reid?

~Hotch~

*6:41am*

Hotch: If you need a ride, I can come pick you up on the way to Rossi’s.

~Morgan~

*7:48am*

Morgan: lmk if you want a ride pretty boy

Morgan: I’m driving Garcia too, so I’ll be near your apartment anyways

*8:10am*

Morgan: everything ok kid?

*8:22am*

## MISSED CALL FROM: Morgan ##

~JJ~

*10:21pm*

JJ: Spence, I just wanted to tell you again that it wasn’t your fault.

JJ: Please don’t blame yourself.

JJ: There was no way you could have known. And I’ll be okay, it’s just a bump on the head.

*8:56am*

JJ: Spence, are you okay?

JJ: Please don’t punish yourself for what happened yesterday, we all would love for you to come to Rossi’s tonight.

*9:25am*

## (2) MISSED CALLS FROM: JJ ##

*9:38am*

JJ: Spence please answer your phone.

~Hotch~

*9:40am*

Hotch: Spencer, both JJ and Morgan have texted me saying that you are not answering your phone, is everything alright?

Hotch: Do I need to come over?

*9:42am*

## MISSED CALL FROM: Hotch ##

‘Shit’ Reid thought to himself as he read through all the messages. The last thing he needed was someone showing up at his apartment, especially while he wasn’t there. He still hadn’t cleaned up the blood in the bathroom and the mirror would obviously be a site.

Quickly, Reid stood up, rushing out of the BAU as fast as he could on his crutch, and heading back towards his apartment. He sent off a few brief messages, hoping no one would try and come over:

~JJ~

*9:52am*

Reid: Sorry JJ, fell asleep early last night. Just woke up. I’m fine.

Reid: Hope your head is feeling better.

~Hotch~

*9:53am*

Reid: Everything’s fine. Overslept. Phone was off. Sorry.

~Morgan~

*9:55am*

Reid: I’m okay, don’t worry about it. Was just asleep.

~BAU Baddies~

*9:56am*

Reid: Sorry Rossi, don’t think I can make it. I’ll see you all Monday.

Reid sent off his messages, hoping no one would question him. He felt his phone begin buzzing in his pocket, but he didn’t bother reading the messages. They’d just be messages hoping to convince Reid to show up at Rossi’s, even though he was sure they didn’t really want him there anyways.

He was just doing them the favor of not showing up, so they’d all have a good time.

When Reid arrived at his apartment again, he was relieved to see that no one else was there. He quickly hobbled in, making his way to the bathroom. Immediately, he began washing the blood off of the tiles with bleach, hoping to erase any evidence of the incident ever occurring.

His eyes burned as he poured the chemical on the ground, and he hissed in pain when a bit of it got into one of the scratches on his fingers. He pushed through, not wanting to have a crime scene of a bathroom in his apartment.

Reid eventually got it all out, but there was still the mirror issue. Once again glancing into the remaining broken pieces, Reid cringed at his appearance. He was very disheveled, hair sticking all over the place and looking even more exhausted and vacant than usual. The forgotten piece of gauze on his face was partially soaked through with blood.

When Reid pulled back the bandage he grimaced at the wound. It would certainly leave some sort of scar. He didn’t bother rebandaging it, it would probably be fine.

Exhausted, he went back to his bed, deciding he’d just sleep the rest of the day away since there was nothing better to do. He glanced at his phone one last time, just to make sure no one was going to show up at his apartment:

~Hotch~

*9:59am*

Hotch: Understandable, glad you just overslept.

Hotch: Disappointed you can’t make it to Rossi’s. Have a pleasant evening. Let me know if you want a ride to work on Monday, I know riding the metro with your knee brace is difficult.

~JJ~

*10:01am*

JJ: Oh, thank god Spence, you had me worried!

JJ: I was about to drive over there and kick in your door!

JJ: My head is feeling better :), we’ll miss you at Rossi’s tonight!

~Morgan~

*10:01am*

Morgan: God don’t do that to me kid, was having a heart attack

~BAU Baddies~

*10:04am*

Prentiss: :( :(

Rossi: Have a good weekend, but we’ll miss you! What will I do without my Sous Chef?

Prentiss: I gotchu

Garcia: Emily you can’t cook for shit

Morgan: ^^^

Hotch: She’s got a point.

JJ: Are you trying to burn down Rossi’s Mansion?

Prentiss: YOU’RE ALL TRAITORS

Reid’s mouth twitched into a small smile while reading through the texts, but it fell away quickly. They’d have a better time without him there. he was just a waste of space, at work and in life. It was better if he didn’t get in the way of their fun.

Rolling on his side once more, Reid got under his covers, burying himself in blankets. He closed his eyes, hoping to sleep the whole weekend. That way he wouldn’t have to listen to himself think. He could be aimlessly drift through space, rather than dwelling on all of his failures.

Reid pulled his legs and arms tight against his body, curling in on himself, and for the second time in less than 24hours, Reid silently hoped that he wouldn’t wake up again after he drifted off.

Sometimes we don’t get what we ask for though, sometimes we’re still needed in the world, even if we cannot see it ourselves.

Spencer Reid was still very much needed, which was why the next morning, he had to once again face the disappointment of opening his eyes.

Chapter Text

S5 E10

The plane was quiet. The lights were off, and everyone was asleep.

Well, almost everyone.

Reid stared out the window and into the night sky blankly. He was tired, but he couldn’t go to sleep.

He wasn’t sure he deserved to rest.

The rest of his team were exhausted, passing out almost immediately as they got on the plane. But he didn’t deserve to rest as they did, he’d barely helped out at all in this case. He was getting more and more useless as the days went on, and he couldn’t afford to be.

They were a man down.

Hotch would be out of the office a while, in fact they weren’t even sure that he would return.

This scared Reid. He didn’t want to lose Hotch, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, he needed the man. But he also understood that Jack needed his father.

As someone who grew up without one, he knew how important it was that Hotch be there for Jack, and that they would have a good relationship.

Even though the team was still together, Reid could feel it beginning to crumble.

Morgan was doing a great job as the leader, but it was obvious that he was stressed out and feeling the pressure. Even though they all knew that he’d do well, for the first time ever it was obvious that the man was unsure of himself.

Garcia had been dwelling about Morgan, worried that he’d run himself into the ground, and JJ was too focused on Hotch and Jack. Rossi seemed distracted too, though Reid wasn’t sure the specifics.

The only one who seemed to be keeping it together was Prentiss, but it was clear that she was struggling as well.

As for Reid, it felt like he was fighting a losing battle every day. Each time he woke up, he felt more and more empty. It was getting tiresome, trying to get through each day. Plastering on a fake smile and forcing himself to talk about nonsense that no one would suspect anything. He didn’t have the passion or the drive for his job anymore, Reid felt like he was losing himself.

He bit his lip, glancing down at his still bandaged hand. It was still healing from a little over a week ago when he’d decided to redecorate his bathroom by smashing the shit out of his mirror.

The team had asked him what happened, and he’d spun some bullshit lie about burning his hand on the coffee maker. Since he always made sure the injuries were covered around them, they had no idea that it was an array of cuts decorating his hand, and not a burn.

Of course, they’d asked about his face as well, which he’d forgotten about. Luckily the gash he’d received there was healing faster than his hand, the cut not having been as deep or destructive, but he’d still had to lie about that too.

He was clumsy enough that he claimed he’d hit his cheekbone when he’d fallen in his apartment. It seemed like everyone was pretty skeptical about the claim, but no one called him on it so, thankfully, it was let go.

Reid clenched his hand into a fist, wincing when the injuries pulled. He let his hand relax once more, looking out the window again.

He was struggling.

It wasn’t like with the dilauded. No, this was different. When he was on dilauded he was running from the nightmares of Hankel, of being trapped in that barn again with the smell of burning fish and the physical and psychological torture.

The drugs helped him become numb, they helped him forget.

Sure, they made him snap at his coworkers and almost ruined his professional career, but to him, the pain of living with the constant memory of his torture made the drugs worth it.

Now, though, he didn’t crave the drugs. Sure, he still had cravings every once in a while, he always would. But this depression he was spiraling into didn’t make him want to sneak down the old alleyway downtown and find his dealer.

No, he’d done that to numb the pain, now there was nothing left to numb. He was empty.

He’d been tempted to smash another mirror, or punch a wall, or go pick a fight with someone he knew he wouldn’t win. Just to make sure he could still feel something, anything at all. But he didn’t.

Instead, he went through the motions, only pulling himself out of bed every day because of his obligation to the team.

A few months ago, someone probably would’ve noticed something was off. Someone would have pulled him aside to talk to him, to make sure he was okay.

Reid hated that no one noticed, but he also hated that he was too weak to just ask someone for some damn help. If he asked, he knew someone would save him, they’d pull him out of the cold abyss that he was sinking further and further into.

But he also knew he was a burden. He knew that the team had to be getting annoyed with the constant need for reassurance and validation. That’s why he just couldn’t work up the courage to ask, he didn’t want to put that on someone else. He would just have to handle it on his own.

But he was drowning and everyone around him was too blind to notice.

Maybe that’s why he was starting to get a little reckless on cases. Or why he’d been so distracted that it seemed like all of his profiles were falling flat.

If Hotch was here, he’d probably pull him aside and try to figure out why his brain wasn’t working, why all of his predictions were wrong, why he kept malfunctioning.

But, then again, maybe he was broken beyond repair this time. Perhaps he couldn’t come back from this.

Reid shifted in his seat, glancing around the plane. Everyone was still asleep, no one had even moved. They were all exhausted from the emotionally draining weekend they’d experienced, and the difficult case they’d been through.

Resting his head in his hands, Reid closed his eyes for a moment. He massaged his temples, attempting to combat the headache which was beginning to form.

His mind wandered back to Hotch, wishing there was something he could do for the man. Or something that he could’ve done to prevent Haley from being killed at all. Hell, he hadn’t even been there when they’d gotten Foyet because of his damn knee.

Reid opened his eyes, biting his lip as tears began forming in his eyes. A small voice in the back of his head told him he was wrong, that he should ask for help, that he deserved help. But it was drowned out by the louder yells of self-loathing.

Maybe it was time for Reid to move on. If Hotch came back, maybe Reid would do what Gideon did and just allow himself to disappear. Maybe he’d leave his gun and badge at his desk one day and just not come back.

He could return to Las Vegas, rededicate himself to trying to find a cure for schizophrenia. Or maybe he’d go say goodbye to his mom and just drop off the map completely.

No one would miss him if he left. He’d miss the team, but they didn’t need him anymore. They all had lives outside of the BAU, and they seemed to be doing just fine without his input. In fact, he seemed to continuously make things worse when he did add input, so perhaps they’d be better off without him after all.

Reid continued to spiral in his mind, but the plane eventually landed. When his team members began waking up, he recomposed himself, making sure he seemed as normal as possible.

Nothing was wrong.

When they arrived back at the BAU, Reid didn’t want to go home. There was someplace else he had in mind. He snuck away from the office, making sure no one was following him, and called a cab.

He gave the man the address and silently sat in the back, watching the bright city lights dance in the darkness.

By the time he was dropped off, it was almost two in the morning. Reid got out of the car, stepping onto the gravel road and swung his satchel over his shoulder, thanking the driver. He watched as the taxi pulled away until there was only light from the moon illuminating the woods.

Reid turned around, sighing heavily as he stared at Gideon’s cabin.

He hadn’t been here in two years, not since he’d initially found out that Gideon had left.

He didn’t think he’d ever come back, there had been no reason to. But now, he did have a reason, he was looking for answers.

Reid understood the man’s actions now, he understood being broken down to a level where there was no more fight. Gideon was the only person who could understand, and since he couldn’t talk to him directly, maybe the cabin would hold some answers.

Walking in, Reid grabbed a flashlight out of his bag, flicking it on. He tried the switch, but it seemed that the power was still down for the cabin, Gideon probably hadn’t been back at all since.

Taking a deep breath, suppressing a shutter of fear, Reid slowly made his way around the dark cabin. There wasn’t much there other than dusty furniture. Gideon seemed to have taken most everything of importance with him when he left.

Still, Reid felt like there was something there that could help him.

Gideon had always seemed to know exactly what Reid was thinking and feeling, and he felt like there was a possibility that the man knew he’d be driven to come back and visit the cabin at some point, and that he probably wouldn’t be in the best headspace when it occurred.

Reid made his way around the house slowly and quietly, feeling awkward to be destroying the blanket of silence filling the cabin.

There wasn’t much to see, but just when Reid was debating giving up, he noticed something. On the fireplace, there seemed to be a brick that didn’t match. It was a different color than the rest and stuck out a little further than the others. He made his way over to it, awkwardly sitting on the floor.

Reaching up, he slowly began shifting the brick, and it started sliding out of its position. After he removed it completely and placed the loose brick on the floor, he held up the flashlight. Inside the hole sat a small journal, one Reid had seen Gideon carrying around with him when he’d still worked at the BAU.

It was the journal where he kept names. Names of all the people he saves, of the people whom he had kept photos of and considered to be his family.

Reid thought back to when he’d given him the photo of the girl he’d saved around four years ago in an attempt to help Reid get over his nightmares. It had worked, of course, and Reid still carried that photo with him in his wallet. It surprised him that, even in retirement, Gideon would leave something that was so precious to him behind.

Reid grabbed the notebook and slowly began flipping through it. Each page had a name and description of the person. Not of the crime that had been committed or the unsub who’d done it, but rather a description of who the person had been before the tragedy. Sort of a remembrance of their life. Occasionally there was a quote along with them, but not with everyone.

The whole notebook was not full, but Reid skipped to the last filled page, seeing the name Amy Deckerman, the college student who’d been killed during Gideon’s last case at the BAU. Reid’s eyes filled with tears in reading the description of the girl. It was always hard when one of the people they interviewed ended up being the next one of the unsub’s victims.

Reid started to close the notebook but realized that it looked like the very last page had something on it. He slowly flipped to it, brows furrowing in confusion. Sure enough, there was ink on the page in Gideon’s writing, and once again the man had easily predicted Reid’s future moves.

Reid read the note, tears immediately beginning to flow as the words hit home for him. How Gideon always knew what to say, Reid did not understand, but the pang of pain in his heart and wetness on his cheeks proved that the man knew Reid better than he knew himself.

He clutched the notebook tight to his chest, letting more tears fall freely. He missed Gideon so much, he just wanted to play one last chess game with the man or have one more profiling session with him.

Reid sat on the floor, letting the sadness wash over him.

Today, he’d let the pain and sadness win, but tomorrow he’d stand up, stick the notebook in his satchel and brush himself off. Gideon was right, he had to hang on. Hopefully things would get better, for everyone.

~Gideon's Note~

“Reid,

Take this notebook with you. If you’re finding this, I’m assuming you’re in a tough position right now, that your struggling again. I couldn’t hang on because I’m not as strong as you are, I’m not as bright, and I didn’t have a support of people like you do now.

Use them. Ask for help, don’t try to fix everything on your own.

Remember Roosevelt’s quote: ‘When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.’

I’m sorry I can’t be there for you, but there are plenty of people around you who want to help. Let them. Don’t push them away. Let them in.

Take this pain and put it to use, keep saving people, keep pushing on.

Hang in there, Spencer, things will get better.

-G”

Chapter Text

S5 E12

He couldn’t shake the feeling of anxiety that had settled as a pit in his stomach. The case they’d just worked was sticking with Reid, still on his mind even a full day and a half since they’d gotten back from Atlantic City.

The case had rattled him to say the least.

Seeing those women being used as dolls was bad enough, but having to talk to the unsub’s father, who was, frankly, a disgrace of a human being, made the whole thing worse.

Fathers always seemed to hit a little too close to home for Reid.

When Rossi and he had been in the man’s office and Reid had pieced together the sick son of a bitch that he was, so much anger flowed through him. He’d ruined his daughter; she’d never even had a fair shot at a normal life with how horribly he’d treated her. And subjecting a child to electric shock? Just thinking about it made his blood boil.

Reid sat up in his bed, checking his clock. It read 2:47am. He’d been tossing and turning for hours. When they’d landed the night before, he’d come home and collapsed on the bed, not having gotten much sleep during that case or the previous one.

Thinking of the one before brought back more feelings of guilt, they hadn’t profiled that the unsub would have a ‘partner’, who’d turned out to be an undercover cop that he’d been blackmailing, and Prentiss had gotten injured because of it. Once again, Reid had missed an obvious detail and one of his team members was hurt from his own stupidity and blindness.

Even though Reid had fallen asleep easily the previous night, he’d been plagued by nightmares, and didn’t catch more than a few hours. His body was physically exhausted, and he knew he would collapse soon if he didn’t get some real rest, but he was too on edge. His mind wouldn’t stop.

Reid dug the palms of his hands into his eye sockets, willing the exhaustion away. All he wanted was to feel well rested, not that he even really remembered what that felt like.

Frustration filled the man and he quickly threw the covers off himself, standing up. He threw on a hoodie and slid on some shoes. Grabbing his keys, he left his apartment, desperate to get some fresh air that would hopefully clear his mind.

He walked down the steps of his apartment building as quietly as he could, not wanting to disturb the other residents. Reid reached the lobby and swiftly strode towards the main door. When it swung open, he immediately shivered, the cold air nipping at his skin. He pulled up his hood and shoved his hands in his pockets, deciding he didn’t care enough to trek back upstairs and grab another layer.

Looking around, Reid felt comforted by the stillness of the night. It was almost completely silent, and he didn’t see anyone else around. Having little to no particular direction in mind, Reid turned left and started walking down the road, hoping to return to his apartment with a clear mind.

He walked aimlessly, continuously having to stop himself from thinking about work, making himself focus on what was around him instead. Reid found himself trying to count the number of sidewalk cracks he stepped over rather than his list of faults that seemed to be running through his head on a loop.

This worked for a while, Reid actually cleared his head and lost track of time, but when he suddenly ran into a tree, it brought him back to the present.

Holding his now aching head, Reid looked up, realizing he’d run out of sidewalk. He’d managed to walk all the way over to one of the local parks. He glanced around, making sure that he was still alone before reaching for his phone. He couldn’t see much besides the cloud of air that emerged from his mouth with each exhale. He needed a flashlight.

When he fished through his pockets, though, he realized that he’d left his phone in his apartment. Sighing, Reid rubbed his forehead in annoyance at himself.

‘You know what? Fuck it.’ He thought to himself. Reid began walking into the dark park, city lights fading out behind him. It quickly became darker, and he only had the moonlight at his disposal, but his pupils dilated quickly and soon it didn’t seem too dark.

He walked as quietly as he could, listening for any other movement around him. Reid knew this was stupid and reckless, walking into a park alone, at night, with no phone and no one knowing where he was. But, honestly, he couldn’t care less.

He was feeling just reckless enough in his sleep deprived and self-loathing state that he didn’t even to think twice about his decision.

Reid tripped a few times over debris on the ground but managed to catch himself before he hit the ground, stumbling a little each time.

Eventually he made it to a clearing, one he recognized. He’d just been here the other day, watching one of his friends, Eric, play chess.

A pang of sadness shot through his heart at the thought of chess. His mind always wandered back to Gideon when the game came up, the man having been the only one he’d ever played who consistently beat him.

Reid shook his head, continuing his walk in the other direction. He was back on a sidewalk, one he didn’t recognize, but he decided to follow it anyways. It twisted and wound through the park, going up and down hills and around trees. A loud roaring noise was starting to fill the silence, and Reid realized that whatever it was, the path was talking him towards it.

Eventually, the path led him to the source of the noise. It was a river with some very large rapids. He slowly meandered over to it, looking over the edge. He could barely see the river itself, the water reflecting nothing but the dark sky and a slice of moonlight. It seemed impossibly far down, and the rapids were chaotic and loud.

Reid stared over the side a while before noticing a bridge a little way down. He felt compelled by this and began absentmindedly making his way towards it.

When he reached the bridge, he stopped. It was fairly wide, as well as long, and it arched upwards. Reid strolled up the cobblestone until he was at the peak, and then found himself leaning over the edge.

The river seemed even more mysterious from this view. Now it was almost completely out of sight, no moonlight reflecting off of it from this angle. He could make out the shape of the water but wasn’t able to make out the detail.

He rested his arms on the railing, closing his eyes for a moment. As chaotic as the water sounded, the rapids were almost calming. His mind was empty of anxiety and worry and he almost felt at peace. Almost as if the water could wrap him up and comfort him.

A voice in the back of his head told him it was dumb, but Reid found himself climbing onto the railing, sitting with his legs dangling over the edge. He knew, logically, it was dangerous and stupid, that one little push and he’d be dead.

Reid knew this.

But he hadn’t felt this peaceful in a long time. He was just so tired of everything.

He was physically drained, sure, but it was more than that. He was tired of the constant stress and anxiety. The guilt and hatred he felt towards himself. He was tired of the weight he was carrying, and the façade he’d barely been holding onto.

He was tired of the constant lies he was telling everyone, including himself. He wasn’t okay, he needed help. He was like the broken mirror in his bathroom, and he needed someone to gather the pieces off the ground and help glue him back together.

Gideon was right, he should ask for help. He knew in his heart that any one of his team members would help him if he asked.

But that was the problem.

Reid was tired of asking for help, and he was tired of wasting his teammates time. They had better things to do than constantly help piece him back together. Hotch needed more of their attention right now, he’d just lost his wife and deserved more support and love than Reid did.

He couldn’t keep using his team members and giving nothing in return.

But he couldn’t keep living like this.

Reid closed his eyes, relaxing on the edge of the railing. He felt a soft breeze push his body forward a little, and he inhaled deeply.

If he let go, if he let himself fall, maybe he’d finally be at peace. The weight would be lifted, and he wouldn’t have to carry this guilt anymore.

His team wouldn’t have to deal with him, they could focus more on each other. They’d be able to have more fun hanging out without him bringing down the mood. And he wouldn’t continue messing cases up for them, resulting in the injury of other members of their team.

His grip on the railing slackened a little, and he felt his body scooch forward a bit. Reid opened his eyes, looking up at the sky.

He was far enough out from the city that he could see all the stars and the milky way. The light from the moon dulled it a bit, but not like the light pollution from the city.

Reid spent a few minutes spotting constellations and planets. His lips twitched into a small smile as his grip slackened further.

There probably wasn’t a more beautiful sight than the night sky, and it wouldn’t be a bad final view either.

He wouldn’t ever watch the sunrise again, only the sight of the moon and stars as he let his body descend into the darkness.

Reid was ready. Ready to let go of the guilt and the shame, the hate and the loneliness, the pain and the sorrow that he’d been carrying for years. He was ready to rest; he was ready to finally be at peace.

Reid chuckled a little to himself at the thought of dying from falling. All this time, with his profession as well as his previous drug addiction, he always figured it would be a gunshot wound or an overdose to take him out, not something so blatantly self-inflicted.

He opened his eyes one last time, ready to let himself slide of the edge of the railing. But when he looked up at the stars again, something stopped him from making the movement.

A streak of light lit up the sky. It was a shooting star.

Immediately, Reid’s heart ached with the thought of his mother. When he was little, before her schizophrenia had started to completely overtake her mind, even before his dad left, his mom used to read him stories about myths in different countries.

One of the ones she favored was about shooting stars. While some cultures believed that shooting stars were ancestors ascending to heaven, her favorite read that a shooting star was a new life being brought to Earth.

While scientifically she knew that shooting stars were actually meteors burning up in the Earth’s atmosphere, she wholeheartedly believed that they were signs of new life as well. And she believed this because she’d seen a shooting star just seconds before she went into labor with himself.

Suddenly, the trance Reid had fallen into broke, and he felt himself scrambling off the ledge. He stumbled to the ground on his hands and knees, heart beating quickly and breath straining from the terror that had unexpectedly overwhelmed him.

He panted heavily, tears quickly beginning to stream down his face as he realized what he’d almost done. He sat back on his heels, running his hands through his hair with anxiety.

He couldn’t just leave his mother with no explanation! I mean sure, Garcia probably still had that recording of him from the whole anthrax situation, but if he were to do something of this magnitude, something where he was making his own choice… he’d go see her one last time before the end.

Reid shook his head at himself, in disbelief that he’d almost let himself fall off the edge of a bridge in the middle of the night. In the back of his mind, he still craved to let go of it all, craved the peace and quiet he’d experienced just before he’d snapped out of it.

But he knew that he needed to hang on. He’d dodged death too many times for the universe to not want him there. Even though Reid felt alone and lost, he had to keep living, he had to keep trying to save people.

A light began to fill the sky and Reid looked up over the horizon.

The sun was rising.

He squinted at the brightness of the light but felt relief as heat began to caress his frozen skin and sunlight brought warmth to his face. He hadn’t realized how much he’d been shivering until the beams of light arose once more.

Reid clumsily stood up, watching as the sun began inching its way into the sky. The dark navy blanket speckled with stars shifted to a light pink, which then began fading to purple, then blue, as the sun rose higher and higher.

By the time Reid pulled his eyes away from the view, he was no longer shivering anymore. His mind was beginning to run again, but not as painfully as before.

Even though he’d stopped himself from completely letting go, he seemed to have let go of some of his hurt. He felt a little lighter, as if he’d needed to allow himself to let go of some of the built-up anxiety and shame for a while now.

Reid straightened himself up, turning his back to the view. He began walking down the bridge, back to the safety of solid ground in the park he’d wandered through. His eyes lifted, noticing a plaque on one of the park benches at the edge of the sidewalk.

He sauntered up to it, quickly reading the words.

“Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don’t have the strength.” -Theodore Roosevelt.

Reid began to tear up slightly as he read the words over again a few times, fully taking in their meaning. He smiled, wiping a stray tear from his eye, and nodded to himself. Lifting his chin, Reid began walking away from the bench and the bridge, still plagued with his anxieties and fears, but filled with something new, something he’d been missing for a long time now.

Hope.

Reid kept walking, and he didn’t look back.

Chapter Text

S5 E18

Reid walked out of the warehouse into the brisk air of San Francisco. It was night, but the streets were still light up with city lights. He closed the door behind him silently, not wanting his absence noticed too soon by the group.

Not that they would care.

Reid stuffed his hands into the pockets of his coat, pulling it around him tighter as he shivered.

He looked around the street. Though there were lots of cars parked on the steep road, no one was around.

It was two in the morning after all.

Reid huffed, turning to walk downhill, away from his coworker’s ongoing celebrations.

The last three days had been hard on Reid, physically and mentally. It was hard enough for him to have to adjust to working with police officers who doubted him every step of the way, but doing it with other agents?

He shook his head in annoyance. People generally needed some time to warm up to him, he knew this. But with most people he didn’t care.

However, this group of people, this other team, they were also BAU. They were also his coworkers, and no matter how much he told himself he didn’t, he cared about how they perceived him.

And Reid knew they all thought he was a useless weirdo.

When they’d offered him a beer, he turned it down and continued eating his trail mix instead. He didn’t miss the look of utter confusion that passed over their faces. After all, it’s not like they knew of his past drug addiction, and his notion to stay completely sober of all forms of drug and alcohol.

To them, he was a weird, lanky guy who wasn’t cleared to be in the field (damn his knee injury!) and didn’t accept their invite to celebrate.

They didn’t know how much effort he put into the geological profile, or that he’d done most of the preliminary victimology and profile workup.

They didn’t know that he’d not slept since they were in DC, and that he was already stressed and emotionally fragile.

They just didn’t know.

That’s why he decided to excuse himself after about a half hour. After the toast that had occurred between the two teams, everyone pretty much paired off to talk to someone they’d gotten to know during the case.

Except Reid hadn’t really talked to the members of the other BAU team. Since he couldn’t go into the field, and they clearly weren’t too fond of him, he’d taken the chance to sneak out the back when it was clear that no one was paying him any attention.

Not that he was complaining, getting some fresh air would be good for him.

He’d meet the team on the plane in the morning and hopefully get some shut eye on their couch.

He was sure no one would really sleep tonight either anyways, they didn’t rent hotel rooms because of the time crunch on the case, so unless people were going to sleep on the concrete floor of the warehouse…

Reid continued slowly making his way down the steep sidewalk, sighing in relief when it finally began to even out as he hit downtown. Here it was a little more lively.

Despite being as late as it was, people were out drinking and partying at the bars and restaurants all down the street. There was loud music pouring out of bars and taxis and cable cars were rolling by.

Reid made the impulsive decision to randomly hop on one of the cable cars. He wasn’t sure where it would take him, but he didn’t have a particular location in mind anyways.

The wind blew through his hair and he smiled, despite the chills he felt run through his body. He felt more relaxed and freer than he had in a long time.

He enjoyed sitting on the trolley, watching the lights and people pass by as they zoomed down the street.

Eventually, they made it down to the fisherman’s wharf and Reid decided to hop off. He’d never actually spent any time in San Francisco, other than tracking down killers, so this was a nice change of pace.

In fact, he never really took any vacation time besides going to visit his mother, so he wasn’t used to be this free of worry and responsibility.

The smile dropped from his face when he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. He quickly fished it out.

JJ was calling him. Reid sighed, of course it was JJ, he knew if anyone, she would probably eventually notice he was gone. Clearing his throat, he hit ‘answer’ and raised the phone to his ear.

“Reid.”

“Spence! Where are you?”

“Hey JJ, I’m just on a walk”

“Alone?”

“Uhh…. Yeah?”

“Spence you shouldn’t be walking out there alone at two thirty in the morning!”

Reid rolled his eyes at this. If only she knew that this was becoming a habit of his. Ever since that one night where he almost… well, he’d been going on walks around his neighborhood at ungodly hours because he couldn’t sleep.

He knew the team was seeing his exhaustion. The bags under his eyes were worse than they’d ever been, and even he was beginning to notice how much weight he’d begun to loss from the stress.

But no one had said anything, and Reid didn’t want to burden them anymore, so he didn’t say anything about it either. That didn’t mean that his coworkers hadn’t started shooting him concerned glances every now and again, but it wasn’t like it had been in the past.

They didn’t reach out to help, so he assumed they didn’t care. Which was fine. He was fine on his own. They didn’t need another burden to worry about.

It was fine, wasn’t it?

“JJ it’s fine, I’ll just meet you guys on the plane in a few hours.”

“Spence-”

Reid hung up the phone before she had a chance to say anything else. His contentment had washed away as he’d been pulled back to reality once more. He’d inadvertently walked towards the water again, feeling drawn to it like he had that one night not too many weeks ago.

He began walking down the pier, away from the lights and movement of the city, and towards the ocean. The edge of the pier was empty, and he felt drawn towards it.

When Reid reached the end, he sat down, hanging his legs over the edge. He was only about ten feet up from the water this time though, it wasn’t like before when he’d sat much higher up over dangerous rapids.

This time if he fell, he’d essentially just end up cold and wet, and probably annoyed.

He looked out at the ocean, feeling a bit defeated.

Reid was glad that they’d saved the victims and caught the unsub, but he still couldn’t get over how useless he’d been on the case.

He’d never felt so self-conscious on a case before. Even when he’d first started with the BAU, Gideon made sure he felt somewhat confident in his abilities. Whenever he doubted his social or physical skills, he knew that he always had his brain.

But now it felt like he was losing his mind too. He was being consumed by self-doubt and loathing, and the stress and anxiety was weighing heavily on his mind. He was clearly having suicidal tendencies to some proportion and was certain he could probably be diagnosed with some form of depression.

Maybe he should actually go see a therapist, rather than repressing all his thoughts…

‘No,’ Reid shook his head at himself, ‘I don’t have time for that.’

Then again, maybe he should just quit his job at the BAU while he was ahead. He had been getting job offers the past two years for teaching positions or another placement in the FBI. Or he could just move back to Las Vegas and be closer to his mom, figure something else out.

Reid buried his head in his hands, frustrated. He wasn’t sure why he’d continuously thought about this recently. Growing up, all he’d wanted to do was get into the BAU. But, then again, maybe that was the issue.

Normally, people were in the FBI for five or ten years at least before ever being considered for the BAU. They had outside training and experience, something he lacked. They were able to bounce around and figure out what they liked before settling in one area of the FBI. He wasn’t.

And as much as he loved the people he worked with dearly, he knew that they’d probably be better off without him.

‘Maybe I’ll talk to Hotch… see if any other departments are open…’ Reid thought to himself. ‘No, that would never work, he’d probably tell the team and then I’d have to talk to them about it. No, the best way to do it would be to tell them after the decision is final.’

Reid sighed, looking back out at the ocean again.

He hated this. He hated constantly being at war within his mind. He hated feeling useless and dumb, and he wished someone would just tell him what to do.

He missed Gideon. And his mom.

And he missed the person he was before the Hankel incident. The innocent kid who was good at his job and constantly surprised those around him.

Now he just let everyone down.

Reid sniffed, unsure if his nose was beginning to run from sadness or the cold. His body was trembling, and he wished that he would’ve brought a heavier layer with him.

He began to stand, pulling himself away from the edge of the pier. He needed to move so that he could warm up a little bit.

Reid began walking slowly back towards the wharf, squinting at the bright lights and still bustling city. He was beginning to get lost in his head once more, but something startled him out of his thoughts.

“Spencer!”

Reid jumped a foot in the air, when a hand landed on his shoulder. He quickly whipped around only to see Morgan standing behind him, a troubled look on his face.

“What the hell, Morgan?”

“What the hell me? What the hell you, Spencer? You just disappeared without a trace in the middle of the night to walk alone in a city you’re not familiar with? Are you trying to get kidnapped?”

“How’d you f-find me?” his teeth chattered as he shivered from the cold.

Morgan’s face read ‘really bitch’ and Reid nodded understandingly. Garcia.

“Pretty boy,” Morgan shook his head in disbelief, “what the hell were you thinking?”

“I w-was thinking that I w-wanted to g-go on a walk, g-get some fresh air-”

“At four in the morning?”

Reid glanced at his watch. Wow, he’d been out a lot longer than he’d anticipated. “I m-mean it was only two when I-”

“Spencer, I mean Jesus kid, you weren’t answering us-”

“I-I talked to JJ!”

“Yeah for like thirty seconds, and you didn’t tell her where you were or what you were doing or-”

“Morgan!” Reid shouted, annoyed. The man stopped talking, looking stunned at the anger in Reid’s voice. “I’m f-fine, okay? I’m not some child you h-have to l-look after. Contrary to popular belief, I can t-take care of myself.” He turned around, beginning to walk away from the man, but a strong arm grabbed his arm, stopping him from getting very far.

“Kid, no one said you couldn’t take care of yourself-”

“Yeah but you’re all thinking it!” Reid snapped, facing Morgan once more. “I don’t n-need you to come retrieve me b-because I’m some lost damsel in distress-”

“I don’t know what’s going on with you, kid, but you know we aren’t thinking that, we’re just worried about you.”

“Worried? Hah!” Reid laughed manically, “Why on earth w-would you be w-worried about me? I’m c-completely fine-”

“Spencer!” Morgan said, slapping a hand over his mouth to stop him from talking. The man sighed, shaking his head. “Please, just… please come with me back to the warehouse. You’re shivering and you look exhausted alright? Just, please don’t fight me on this.”

Reid’s face was still contorted in anger under Morgan’s hand. Morgan sighed and spoke once more, knowing how to hit the kid’s soft spot.

“If you don’t come back, we’re all just going to stay up all night worrying about you…”

Reid’s face immediately softened, eyes shifting from anger to shame and distress.

Morgan hated to do that to the kid, knowing that he thought of himself as a burden to the other team members, which wasn’t at all the truth, but he thought it might be the only way to get him to comply.

Reid clenched his jaw, lowering his head in shame. He stared at the ground, all the fight draining from his body. He nodded silently, hating himself once more for causing any distress to his team members because of his selfishness.

He thought they’d be better without him, he thought he’d been lessening their pain, not fueling it. Reid wasn’t sure what to believe anymore, it seemed like every choice he made was the wrong one.

Morgan sighed, seeing the kid’s demeanor shift. He was shutting down, closing himself off. Morgan had been talking to the team about this the other day, it was becoming more and more of a regular occurrence.

Reid had been shutting down frequently and easily these days. One wrong comment, one accusation, one statement, and he’d completely stop talking, staring off into the distance as if it was the worst mistake he’d ever made.

Whenever anyone on the team had approached him about it, they’d either get interrupted by something (typically another case) or Reid would manage to sneak away before they could corner him.

They didn’t know what was wrong, but it was obvious that something was happening in the kid’s head. And it wasn’t good.

Reid silently followed Morgan, shivering more and more against the cold, harsh wind. They finally reached the car that the man had drove down, and Reid awkwardly climbed into the passenger seat.

He wordlessly buckled and stared blankly out the window. He was not in the mood for a conversation, not when he was on the brink of a breakdown.

Reid was relieved when warm air began hitting his body, the tremors becoming less and less. The two of them road in a tense silence, it was clear Morgan was trying to think of something to say, but Reid prayed that he wouldn’t come up with anything.

Luckily, Reid’s prayers were answered.

When they reached the warehouse once more, Reid stepped out of the car, a wave of exhaustion finally hitting him. The past few weeks were weighing down on him, and his body felt extremely heavy.

He felt Morgan’s arm wrap around him as the man helped him stumble inside. Reid was in a daze, ready to fall asleep as soon as he hit the floor.

The warehouse was dark, and it looked like everyone but Hotch and JJ were asleep. JJ immediately ran up to Reid, hugging him tightly. He reciprocated as much as he could through the layers of exhaustion that he was swimming in.

Hotch looked like he wanted to say something, but instead the man just nodded at Reid, concern still seeping through his features.

JJ lead him towards the small, carpeted area where everyone else was curled on the floor, asleep. He heard Hotch and Morgan whispering behind him but couldn’t discern what they were saying.

JJ gently pulled him to the floor and his eyes were shut before his body even hit the ground. He felt himself being adjusted as JJ placed her head on his chest and one of her hands began playing with his hair.

But he was too exhausted to even process the affectionate gestures. Instead, Reid let himself, finally, get some rest.

Chapter Text

S5 E21

PT1

The cold Alaskan weather was not what Reid had signed up for.

Although he’d been excited to see the state, he definitely had not appropriately anticipated the drop in temperature. All he could do was pray that they would finish this case quickly and get back to the slightly warmer weather in DC relatively soon.

Reid pulled his jacket around his body tightly, trying to control his shivering. The team was gathered around the fireplace of Carol’s Tavern, discussing the details of the case. But all Reid could focus on was the cold.

And his exhaustion.

They’d all been pulled away from their weekends to jump on this case, but Reid had finally started to get some sleep when he’d been called in.

He was really running on fumes, only staying awake because of the ungodly amount of sugary coffee he’d been forcing into his body.

He was vaguely listening, choosing to stare into the heat of the fire and will its warmth towards himself instead. However, he did tune back in when Carol spoke up about the rooming situation.

“I’ve got four of the upstairs rooms available.”

Reid’s brows furrowed together. A while back, the team used to share rooms pretty frequently (he’d become suspicious that it was on purpose to make sure he was sleeping properly, but he never complained about it), but recently that hadn’t been the case. As much as Reid had appreciated the older team members keeping tabs on him, with his current case of insomnia and constant anxiety at night, he was not about to share a room with someone.

He might crack.

“Uh, four?” He questioned, hoping that Carol was playing some joke on them.

“Come on, that’s the best we can do,” Rhodes stated “your team is double the size of my department. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Good night, it looks like we’ll have to double up” Hotch stated, standing to gather his bag.

A million thoughts began racing through Reid’s head. This was worse case scenario. He was going to have to sit and pretend to sleep. He’d be stuck within his mind the whole night.

And there was probably not going to be a way out of it.

He supposed he could probably sneak out of the room if he was with Morgan, the man was such a deep sleeper that he probably wouldn’t wake up-

“I’m not sleeping with Reid.”

Reid’s brows shot up in surprise and a pang of hurt shot through his chest. Why didn’t Morgan want to room with him? What had he done that was so horrible that the man felt the need to declare that statement to everyone in the room?

This was a worse feeling than being chosen last during PE class. This was someone who he thought was his friend, no, his family, essentially declaring to the whole team that he hated him. That he couldn’t even stand to sleep in the same room as him.

His eyes dropped from Morgan and shifted back to the fire. He was still shivering, but now he was fixated on something other than the cold.

Morgan hated him, and he had no idea why.

The sounds of the room began to drown out as Reid fell into the pit in his mind. He barely registered the movement of the rest of the team, or the side conversations were beginning to occur.

He didn’t register that his left hand slowly moved to the crook of his elbow, sluggishly beginning to scratch away at old track marks under his jacket.

His mind was running so fast with thoughts of self-hate and regret that it almost felt like it was at a standstill instead.

Reid probably would’ve sat in that chair the whole night if Hotch hadn’t stayed behind.

The man’s hands gently appeared on his forearms, stopping Reid from tearing apart the skin on his own arm. Reid sluggishly pulled his eyes away from the fire, hazily focusing on Hotch, who was squatting down in front of him.

Reid glanced around, noticing everyone had already gone upstairs before glancing back at Hotch again, a confused look plastered on his face.

“Hotch, is everything okay?” Reid asked in a whispered voice, not wanting to break the tranquil silence that filled the tavern, save for the sound of the crackling fire.

Hotch looked mad, or maybe sad, or concerned? Reid wasn’t sure, the man barely smiled ever since the incident a few months back, and it was becoming more difficult to read him.

Reid wasn’t sure if this was because he’d been cutting himself off from the team, or if it was Hotch’s resting bitch face, but he wasn’t sure why the man was sitting before him.

“Yes, Reid,” Hotch said, cracking a small smile, “I’m alright, are you?”

Reid’s brows furrowed. “Yes?”

“That sounded very convincing.”

“Hotch I’m f-fine, w-what are you doing down here? Shouldn’t you be g-going to bed?”

“Shouldn’t you?” Hotch asked, smile dropping from his face.

Reid opened his mouth but promptly closed it as his mind went blank of any clever quip to retort back to the man. Hotch let go of Reid’s arms, letting them fall back into his own lap, and stood. He grabbed his own go bag, as well as Reid’s, and nodded towards the stairs. When Reid didn’t move, Hotch sighed.

“Come on Reid, let’s go to bed.”

“Huh?”

“You’re rooming with me. Let’s go.”

“What?”

“Spencer.”

Reid snapped out of his daze, nodding at the man. Hotch turned and began walking towards the stairs. Reid shook his head at himself in confusion before pushing out of the chair to a standing position. He hovered by the fire for a second more, soaking in as much warmth as he could before shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket and following Hotch.

He slowly climbed the stairs, placing quite a bit of weight on the railing as his knee still wasn’t up to much maneuvering. Reid was grateful that he was finally off his crutch and without a cane, but that didn’t make climbing up and down slopes or stairs much easier.

By the time he reached the room, Hotch was already pulling out pajamas from his go bag.

Reid stood in the doorway, staring at the room.

It was tiny.

There was a queen-sized bed, a small desk and chair, a very old tv, and a small window with very old and battered curtains hanging around it. He was certain there was no heater at all because it felt like it dropped another twenty degrees in comparison with the hallway and there was only one tiny blanket on the bed. There was also a small bathroom. The room was nice enough, but having to share it with his boss…

Reid awkwardly stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He grabbed his bag off the ground and placed it on the desk. He began rooting around for his pajamas but stopped.

There was no way he was going to get any sleep tonight. Not in this situation. Was it even worth pretending?

Hotch stepped into the bathroom to change and Reid found himself falling into the small wooden chair. He glanced out the window into the darkness of the Alaskan night. He found himself trembling against the cold once more and he once again cursed himself for not bringing more layers.

Reid suddenly rubbed his eyes hard in annoyance at the situation. He felt trapped, he wanted to go wandering and get out of his head like he normally did, but there was no way he could do that here.

Not when Hotch would notice he was missing.

And not when a serial killer was lurking in the night.

Reid groaned in frustration and quickly rooted through his bag, pulling out a book he’d packed. He’d already read it a bunch of times, and he knew every word on the paper, but anything was better than this. He stood, intent to sneak back downstairs to the fireplace before Hotch came out of the bathroom.

Unfortunately, he made his move a moment too late.

Right as Reid began pushing the hotel room’s door open, Hotch appeared in the bathroom’s doorway. They both froze, Hotch in confusion and Reid in surprise.

“Reid…” Hotch started, clearly having deduced what the agent’s plan had been. His eyes shifted down to the book, then to the door before returning to Reid’s own, “I’ve been wanting to speak with you recently, do you mind if we talk now?”

Reid cocked his head in surprise and a pit formed in his stomach. He was probably going to get yelled at for his horrible performance recently, or, even worse, he might get kicked off the team.

He wasn’t surprised that the day had come, he knew how they’d all been looking at him differently lately. He knew that he’d become useless in and out of the field, acting more as a liability. He’d just hoped that maybe his worst nightmare had been nothing more than that, a nightmare.

Reid felt a lump building in his throat and tears beginning to form in his eyes. He didn’t want to be kicked off the team like the disgrace that he was, but he knew that they’d be better off without him, so he nodded at Hotch, dropping his eye contact and moving back into the hotel room.

He quietly made his way to the chair, shoving his book back in his go bag and wrapping the jacket around himself tightly again.

He was trembling even more now, from the cold as well as the horrible anxiety that was wracking his body. As much as Reid was trying to hide it, he was sure it was blatantly obvious to Hotch that he was shaking profusely.

Reid kept his head bowed in shame, ready for the verbal attack on his performance that he was surely about to receive.

Hotch dropped onto the bed across from Reid, attempting to make eye contact with the younger agent.

“Reid, uh,” Hotch started, seemingly uncertain with his words, “the team-” he paused again, rephrasing once more, “I’m worried about you.”

Reid’s jaw clenched and body wend ridged. Worried? About him? That certainly wasn’t what he’d expected.

He closed his eyes, shaking his head at the obviousness of it all; Hotch was worried that he’d become too much of a liability. That had to be it, right?

“You’ve been acting… different… the past few months. More closed off and reserved. You stopped coming to our out of work team hangouts and your exhaustion is obvious. We had made such good progress with your eating and sleeping, and you seem to have regressed to a worse state than before we were helping you. I don’t know what’s going on, but I want to help you.”

Hotch scootched a little more towards Reid, grabbing his hands and holding them tightly.

“Please, Spencer, please tell me how I can help you. I can’t keep watching you fade away and shrivel into a shell of your old self. I can’t lose…” He paused, taking a deep breath “I can’t lose another person so important to me. You’re like my son Spencer, please, please let me help.”

Reid felt the tears dripping down his cheeks as he processed the man’s words. He kept his head dipped so that Hotch wouldn’t see his tears, but he knew it was inevitable.

One of Hotch’s hands left his and made its way under Reid’s chin. He gently tilted the younger man’s chin up, face softening immensely when he saw the wetness on his cheeks and the redness of his eyes.

“Can… Spencer can I hug you?” Hotch asked softly. Reid nodded slowly and the man immediately gathered him into his arms. He pulled him off the chair and onto the ground, wrapping him as tightly as he possibly could.

At first, Reid just sat there in shock. He still couldn’t believe that Hotch hadn’t fired him. The man was worried about him. He’d noticed, they’d all noticed him struggling. They all cared that he was struggling, they wanted to help him.

As the words finally processed in Reid’s brain, he felt his composure slip away. His arms quickly wrapped around Hotch, returning the hug tightly and he buried his face in the man’s shoulder. He cried quietly but allowed all of his pent-up sadness and self-loathing to flow out of him.

He gripped onto Hotch like a lifeline, sobbing onto the man’s t-shirt.

Hotch in turn managed to pull Reid into his lap, rocking him back and forth, quietly shushing him as he let the kid get his emotions out.

It had been obvious to him that the kid had fallen into a depressed rut for some time, but he hadn’t realized how bad it had gotten until recently.

He really hadn’t been the same since he’d been shot in the knee a few months prior. Hotch initially thought that it was just the frustration of not being able to be active in the field, which he completely understood. But when it began morphing and seemingly getting worse, he knew that that couldn’t be the only thing dragging the kid’s mood down in the dumps.

When Reid had wandered off alone in San Francisco, red flags had gone up everywhere. He’d been all too casual about the incident, and when he’d gotten back, exhausted and almost hypothermic, Hotch knew that they needed to do something soon.

The kid was becoming very self-destructive.

It was probably good that he wasn’t cleared to be back in the field yet because he was way too reckless. Reid was already pretty rash with his own safety before, constantly taking his vest off and throwing himself in the line of fire in attempts to save unsubs from themselves, but with this behavior? It was almost suicidal.

Morgan and him had discussed it that night, and they had spoken to the rest of the team about the issue at the team dinner the following day (one of the many times in which Reid had made up a lame excuse to not take part in the group activity).

Turns out all of them had been worried about him for a while now, but they’d either not known how to approach him about it, or he’d somehow gotten out of answering their questions when they’d finally cornered Reid.

Regardless, Hotch knew that something had to be done as soon as possible, or else they were going to end up losing the kid like they’d lost so many good agents before.

Now it was clear to him that this went much deeper than simple frustration about his injury. This was something else entirely.

Reid continued sobbing into Hotch’s shoulder for almost a half hour before he began to calm down. Tears were still flowing, and he was hiccupping every once in a while, but it seemed like the majority of his tears had fallen.

When his breathing had almost evened out, Hotch loosened his grip on Reid, allowing the kid to have some space if he wanted it. Reid sat up a little straighter, separating from Hotch, but still kept his head down, allowing his long, unruly hair to cover his face.

Hotch shifted his body, uncomfortable from being on the floor. “Why don’t we move to the bed and then you can tell me what’s going on in that head of yours, sound good?” he asked delicately.

Reid nodded. Hotch stood then slowly helped Reid up, and the two of them sat down on the bed.

Reid pulled his legs up, wrapping his arms around them, and rested his chin atop his knees. It looked like he was hugging himself, he looked so tiny curled up like that. He was trembling slightly, Hotch wasn't sure if it was from the cold or from all of the emotion he let out, but he had to fight the urge to wrap him up in a blanket like a child.

He took a deep breath, slowly lifting his head and stealing a glance at Hotch. The man had nothing but kindness and encouragement in his eyes. Reid wasn’t even sure where he should start, he’d been spiraling for so long now and there was so many areas to cover…

He clenched his jaw, swallowing the lump in his throat before he began.

“I g-guess I’ve just been f-feeling kinda useless lately…” Reid whispered, voice cracking slightly. “I mean, I can’t go in the field and I haven’t been very helpful with profiling or victimology…”

He trailed off, but suddenly began chuckling a bit at himself, “I guess it’s just funny that I’m supposed to be the genius of the group but I’m really just a liability.” The smile dropped from his face and he shifted his eyes, staring at the drab quilt on the bed.

He bit his lip, trying to find the proper words to voice his grief without giving too much of himself away.

“I just… I know you guys are better off without me, but I can’t seem to make myself leave. I know its selfish of me to stay but I just don’t know how I could keep living without you all. And I know that’s childish and stupid, I shouldn’t rely on you all so much. You all have lives and family and friends outside of work but me…” he stopped that thought in it’s tracks, not wanting to go down that road.

“My whole life I thought that this was what I wanted to do, that I’d be good at helping to catch the bad guys… but what happens when you catch them, and they stay with you? How am I supposed to do this job when I can’t get a good night’s rest because I wake up with nightmares, or I can’t eat because even the thought of food-” Reid swallowed the nausea building in his throat.

The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes, Hotch allowing Reid time to process his thoughts and continue speaking freely about his emotions. He knew it was hard for him to speak this candidly with anyone about emotions, and he wasn’t about to interrupt his thought process.

Reid thought back to that night not too long ago, when he’d almost dropped off the side of the bridge. He thought about what drove him to that, how defeated he felt, the hatred he’d felt for himself. He wasn’t sure he knew how to express those feelings to Hotch, but maybe if he told him about that night… maybe it would help the man understand.

He turned to look at Hotch, making eye contact with him for the first time in a while. He clenched his jaw, taking a deep breath before starting. “I almost…” his breath caught in his throat, freezing on the words. He bit his lip, looking down at the bedsheet once more.

His words came out this time, but they were much quieter than before.

“I almost killed myself, Hotch.”

Chapter Text

PT2

The silence that filled the room as palpable.

Hotch was stunned.

Reid had really tried to kill himself? The kid was so down and depressed that he’d almost… Hotch couldn’t even fathom the idea of Reid doing that.

He placed a hand gently on Reid’s shoulder, still in a loss for words. He had no idea that his depressed state had been that bad, that he’d felt so desperate to escape life that he’d thought about dying.

Hotch still wasn’t sure what to say, but he felt like he needed to prompt Reid to continue, or else they’d continue sitting in silence.

“Spencer, please look at me,” Reid turned very somber eyes towards Hotch, making eye contact with him. He looked ashamed of himself. “Please tell me what happened. I need to know what I can do to help you, so that you don’t feel that helpless anymore.”

He gripped the kid’s shoulder a little tighter in desperation, “I love you Spencer, you’re like a son to me. I hope that you know how much I care about you; I don’t know what I would do if I lived in a world without Spencer Reid in it.”

Reid smiled sadly, sniffing a little before nodding. He bit his lip, thinking back to that night.

“It was kind of an accident. I mean, it wasn’t an accident because I stopped myself, but I didn’t go to that bridge with the intent of jumping off it, I swear” he stated, looking deeply into Hotch’s eyes like that was the most important thing in the world.

Hotch nodded at him, encouraging him to continue.

“I was just out for a walk. It was after the Atlantic City case and I just had a lot of thoughts running through my brain… I’ve been having, uh, a lot of nightmares recently about… various things… and I couldn’t just sit in my apartment and stare at the wall anymore. Sometimes I get trapped in my head, and it’s terrifying…” Reid said, voice suddenly becoming very small as though his mind were the most frightening thing he’d faced.

Hotch cocked his head at this, but ultimately stowed that information for later, he wasn’t going to interrupt the kid’s story at this point. It was too important, they needed to stay on track.

Reid shook his head, returning to his dialogue, “So I decided to go for a walk and clear my head. It was like three in the morning, and it probably wasn’t the smartest decision, but the logical part of my brain wasn’t really functioning. So, I left and just started walking. I ended up in a park that I, uh, frequent, and I was just kind of wandering when I came across an area I hadn’t been to before.”

Reid’s eyes lit up a bit at the thought of how picturesque that night had been. “The sky was so beautiful; it was so dark out that you could see every star. But the moon was full so I could still see where I was walking. I came across this raging river that I’d never been to before and there was this… bridge. Uh, I walked onto it and… I mean, I just wasn’t really thinking at all about consequences or danger, I don’t really know how to explain it. I just felt really… numb, and it was nice. It was really peaceful. I hadn’t felt so calm in a while. So, I climbed up on the railing and sat there and just stared at the sky and the river.”

He stopped suddenly, hands fidgeting with one another and Reid’s gaze dropped to the bed’s quilt, suddenly studying it like it was a detailed artifact.

After a pause, he managed to continue.

“I just felt so peaceful, not feeling anything. And I guess something in the back of my mind thought that I could eternally be numb like that if I just let myself slide off the railing…” Reid swallowed, dipping his head even further in shame.

He could feel the stare of Hotch on him, but he couldn’t risk looking at the man.

“I started to let go, but my brain turned itself back on and I ended up throwing myself in the opposite direction instead. When I hit the concrete, it kinda brought me back to reality and I realized what a stupid mistake I’d almost made, but… I don’t know… I keep thinking about how easy it would’ve been for me to just let go, how much better the world would have been if I’d just let myself fall…”

Reid ended his monologue, clearly finished with his story. He was gnawing on his lip with anxiety, waiting for Hotch to react to his stupidity. He thought for sure he’d be getting yelled at in some capacity now, but another part of him was telling him that wouldn’t happen.

Not after how supportive Hotch was being.

Reid risked a glance up at Hotch. The man was sitting there, still as ever, staring at Reid. There was anguish written all over his face and he was obviously distressed by the story.

As soon as the two of them made eye contact, Hotch pulled him into another tight hug.

Reid’s body awkwardly fell into the man, but he quickly leaned against him, wrapping his skinny arms around the man’s waist.

The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes, the echoes of Reid’s story bouncing around each of their minds. It felt like forever before Hotch broke the silence.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that alone.”

Reid backed away from Hotch a bit so that he could look at the man’s face. Hotch still kept his arms wrapped around Reid, just in a looser fashion to allow him mobility. Hotch swallowed before speaking again.

“I wish I would’ve noticed you were struggling sooner so that you wouldn’t have gone through that at all. I hope you know that, regardless of anything else going on in my life, you can always reach out and ask me for help.” Hotch looked pointedly at Reid as he said this.

It was clear to him that this was most likely why Reid hadn’t reached out to anyone in the first place.

He’d gotten so good at asking for help, it was crazy that all of the sudden he would do a full 180 and go back to trying to be a lone wolf. But after the Foyet situation… He was certain that Reid probably felt like it would be too much of a burden to ask him for help.

Of course, Reid was never a burden, in fact if Hotch could legally adopt him, he probably would.

But Reid always assumed people didn’t like him, or that he burdened them in some way.

This was probably due to his absent father and constant bullying he received throughout his schoolyears, and Hotch had tried to get the kid to stop thinking this way. However, he wasn’t going to shift his view of himself overnight.

Hotch pulled him back into a tight hug once more.

Reid leaned into the man’s chest, still trembling slightly but beginning to relax in his arms. He sniffed, blinking his eyes rapidly to stop any tears that were beginning to form again.

He was glad that he told Hotch about that night. And the man’s reaction was more comforting than he’d anticipated. He hated to drag Hotch into his emotional turmoil but felt thankful that the man had reached out. He hadn’t realized how deep into this depression he’d sunk.

Now it felt like someone had finally realized he was drowning, and they we’re throwing him a life preserver. There might be a light at the end of this dark tunnel, there might be happiness waiting for him again.

Reid smiled into Hotch’s shoulder, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“Thanks, Hotch.” He said, his voice muffled by the man’s shirt.

“It’s gunna be okay Spencer, I promise.” Hotch vowed, “We’re going to help you through this, it’s going to get better.”

Reid nodded, gripping the man tightly for a second more before loosening his hug. Hotch mimicked his movement, allowing Reid to back away.

His eyes were rimmed red, but he gave a small smile at his father figure in thanks. Hotch looked down at his hands, reaching out to grab them, but he stopped.

Reid’s eyebrows shot up in confusion as he looked down. Then it hit him; the scars all over his right hand from when he’d punched his mirror not too long ago.

The cuts had finally healed, and the bruises faded, but his knuckles were now littered with scars. He’d managed to keep the team from noticing up until now, choosing to keep his hands tucked away in his pockets or encased in gloves instead.

But now they we’re out for Hotch to see, and the man was obviously taken aback by the mess.

Hotch very gently grabbed his right hand in his own, tracing over the scars with his thumb. His brows scrunched together in concern and confusion, and he looked up at Reid for answers.

Reid looked away, once again feeling ashamed for his actions. “I punched my mirror… a lot.” He said, voice small and shaking.

“When…?” Hotch asked, voice catching in his throat.

“Uh, after the case with Dante. After JJ got hurt because-” his voice caught in his throat as he felt guilt sweep through his body once again. He still hadn’t forgiven himself for letting JJ get injured like that, even if she had fully recovered and was completely okay.

She’d still gotten hurt because of his stupidity.

“I just, uh, got r-really mad and… it was an accident at first but then I kept punching, I c-couldn’t stop myself I just…” Reid trailed off, unsure of what else he could say to justify his actions to Hotch.

Hotch cleared his throat, causing Reid to look up at him. His thumb was still gently tracing over his scarred knuckles. “Reid, this was that day that none of us could reach you wasn’t it? When Rossi invited us to dinner, and you said you were busy and then told us you just burned your hand?”

Reid’s cheeks tinged red as he found himself caught within the lie he’d strung. He nodded, looking down at the quilt in embarrassment.

“I was going to come check on you.” Hotch shook his head at himself in disbelief, “Damnit! I was going to come check on you, but I believed you when you said nothing was wrong. I should’ve seen through that Spencer, with how down you were on yourself during the plane ride home?... I am so sorry.”

Reid shook his head and quietly stated, “you have nothing to be sorry for. You didn’t make me punch my mirror” his mouth quirked into a smile for a moment, but it was so brief, Hotch thought he might’ve imagined it.

Hotch let go of his hand, instead grabbing his shoulder and squeezing in reassurance. He’d like to continue this discussion, but it was clear that Reid was physically and emotionally drained. Hopefully he could get the kid to sleep some and they could resume this conversation in the morning.

“Why don’t you change out of those clothes and let’s try to get some sleep, alright?”

Reid nodded, shifting off the bed. He walked to his go bag, digging through it to find the pajamas he’d packed. Once he got them, he quickly slipped into the bathroom to change.

He stripped off his work clothing, immediately shivering when the cold air in the bathroom hit his body. As quickly as he could, Reid pulled on the sweatpants and t-shirt he’d brought.

He continued shivering and realized that he was definitely about to be cold all through the night.

Reid cursed himself under his breath, why couldn’t he have just brought a few more layers?

He stepped out of the small bathroom, making his way towards his bag. He stuffed his old clothing inside but willed a sweater to appear somewhere within it.

After digging around his belongings for a few moments, he realized that he was not going to magically procure a jacket, and he’d just have to deal with the low temperatures.

Reid turned to face Hotch, who was still sitting on the bed. The man was rifling through his own go bag, apparently looking for something.

Reid looked at the floor. There was a very small space for someone to curl up on. He figured he might as well let Hotch have the bed, he was the older of the two and would probably actually sleep through the night, so it didn’t make sense that he would take the bed-

“Spencer,” Reid’s head shot up, making eye contact with Hotch. “Here.” The man chucked something at him, and he awkwardly caught it before he fully processed what was happening.

It was a very soft sweatshirt.

Reid blushed, realizing that it was painfully obvious to the man how cold he was. His whole body had been trembling all day, and he was certain it was probably especially obvious now that he was standing in a t-shirt.

“Are you sure you don’t need this?” he asked awkwardly.

“I’m not cold, but you clearly are. Please, just take it,” Hotch smiled, “otherwise it’s just going to sit in my bag all night.”

Reid nodded, slipping it over his head. He immediately sighed at the warmth it provided him, shivers fended off for the most part.

“Thanks.” He stated quietly, wrapping his arms around himself. “Um, I can take the floor-”

“Oh, please Reid, I’m not letting you sleep on the ground.” Hotch patted the bed, beckoning him to sit next to him. “Plus, I’m pretty sure you won’t sleep if I leave you alone down there, and you clearly need rest so…”

Reid nodded, blushing at the statement. Hotch was right though, he did need rest, and he wouldn’t sleep alone on the floor.

He made his way over to the bed again, slipping underneath the very light quilt. He was very thankful for the sweatshirt now; this quilt was not helping at all with the cold temperature.

Hotch got under the covers too, quickly slipping one arm around Reid and, before the younger agent could process the movement, pulling him atop his chest like they had done months ago.

Reid tensed, body still quaking from the cold. He felt a little awkward at first, but quickly began to melt as he leaned against Hotch’s warm body and the man began running his hands through his hair.

The tension left his body rapidly, and soon he was leaning into Hotch as much as was humanly possible.

Hotch turned off the light, but continued carding through the kid’s messy hair. It wasn’t long before Reid’s breathing evened out and he began snoring very softly. Hotch looked down at the shadowed outline of the kid.

He’d missed this. And clearly Reid had too

No matter how much he might deny it, Reid clearly relied on their affection more than they’d realized. Probably more than even he realized.

And they’d let him fall into such a dark place because they were busy with their own problems and had wrongfully assumed that Reid didn’t need these moments anymore. He’d slipped out of their view, and they’d all let him.

Hotch frowned, shaking his head at all of the information Reid had shared with him. He’d keep a very watchful eye on him from now on, and he’d encourage the rest of the team to do the same.

Clearly the kid still didn’t know how to take care of himself, and he had such a skewed perception of himself, they’d need to work on that as well.

He’d been distant recently, sure, but that didn’t mean Reid had stopped checking in on all of them.

When he’d lost Haley, Reid had continuously made sure he was doing okay, and even came over to hang out with Jack whenever he could.

He was at JJ’s helping with Henry as often as possible, and he was always checking in with Prentiss, Rossi, Garcia, and Morgan to make sure they were doing okay as well.

But they’d all stopped checking in on him.

When Reid had been shot in the leg, no one had really batted an eye because he’d been in the hospital as well, and they had to deal with moving his family into witness protection. Reid acted like he didn’t care that no one checked in, and he never complained about his knee.

But clearly his injury, and being tied to the desk, had weighed more heavily on him than he’d let them see.

It was clear that Reid was still suffering the damages of growing up essentially alone, his self-esteem hitting rock bottom as he constantly undervalued himself and his contributions to the team.

But he had a family now, and they needed to look out for their youngest member. They couldn’t let him fade away, they couldn’t lose him because of their ignorance.

Hotch pulled Reid a little closer, holding the sleeping boy tightly in his arms. He’d speak to the rest of the team in the morning about Reid’s fragile mental state.

They had to stay focused on the case, but when they got back to DC, they’d needed to have a team bonding session of some sort, and he’d force Reid to show up this time.

They needed to show Reid that he mattered, and that they cared about him. To reenforce the validity of his emotions and tell him that it was okay that he was struggling, but that they were there to help him when he needs it.

Hotch smiled, thanking whatever was out there that had been looking after Reid on the night that he’d almost let himself fall. He wasn’t sure what he’d do without the young agent, or how any of them would get by without him.

But he’d make sure that Reid got better. He’d make sure that Reid would one day understand his importance to all of them.

And that was a promise.

Chapter Text

PT3

Reid awoke feeling warm and fuzzy, and fairly content. This was not the way he was used to waking up recently.

Confused, he blinked open his eyes. He was tucked into the crook of Hotch’s arm. The man was awake and with one hand was flipping through one of their case files. The other arm was wrapped protectively around Reid.

His eyes began to drift closed again as he burrowed a little further under the blanket and against the older agent, shifting away from the cold air that filled their small hotel room.

Hotch seemed to understand that the movement meant Reid was awake, and he spoke up.

“Good morning, Spencer.”

Reid groaned in response, still too tired to fully process any coherent sentence.

“It’s almost seven thirty, we should probably head downstairs soon so we can meet with the police department.”

Another groan was Reid’s only reply. He just wanted to stay huddled under the blanket and go back to sleep.

They’d been awoken last night around four because Garcia had witnessed someone get attacked outside the hotel. Because of that, as well as the emotional turmoil Reid had gone through, he’d really only gotten four hours of sleep.

Sure, they’d been the best sleep he’d gotten in a long time. No nightmares to speak of as he fell asleep in the arms of his protector, but still. Four hours of sleep was not enough.

He was going to need a lot of caffeine today.

Hotch removed his arm from behind Reid, causing him to groan in protest, and got out of bed.

“I’m gunna shower and get dressed, and once I’m done you should do the same, Reid.”

“Mmmmmmph” Reid groaned into his pillow.

Reid drifted in a partial slumber for a few minutes, only waking back up when Hotch shook him, alerting him that he was done in the bathroom. He was hinting that he needed to actually get up now.

He slowly sat up, rubbing his eyes hard with the palms of his hands. He was sure his hair was all over the place, and he probably looked tiny in Hotch’s sweatshirt, which was very large on him, but he didn’t care.

Reid dragged himself out of bed, stumbling into the bathroom. He sighed with slight relief when the warm steam leftover from Hotch’s shower surrounded him. At least it wasn’t as cold in here as it was in the main room.

After turning on the shower as hot as it would go, Reid quickly stripped off his pajamas and stepped in the shower.

The hot water felt heavenly on his skin. He stood still, letting it wash over him for a few minutes, soaking in the heat while he could. When Reid finally felt like he was sufficiently warm, he ducked his hair under the spray. He quickly shampooed and conditioned his hair with the cheap hotel supplies they’d received and cringed at the very strong scent.

When he eventually stepped out of the shower, the whole room was filled with a hot steam. That’s why it took him a few minutes to get up the courage to step into their main room once more.

Reid wrapped the starchy towel around his waist and took a deep breath. He should’ve grabbed his go bag on the way in, that way he could’ve gotten dressed before stepping into the cold. But he’d been so exhausted that he hadn’t even thought about it.

He cracked open the door, accidently letting out a squeal when the cold air touched him. He quickly shut the door.

“Hotch?” he asked in a slightly higher pitch than normal. “Hotch?”

“You okay Reid?”

“Can you hand me my bag?”

Laughter came from the other room, and he heard the man’s footsteps travel across the squeaky floorboards. After another moment, he appeared outside the door.

“Here it is” Hotch said from the other side.

Reid opened the door a crack, quickly grabbing the bag from the man. “Thank you.” He said before swiftly shutting the door, keeping the trapped heat inside.

He hadn’t missed the brief look of concern that Hotch had shot him when he’d opened the door. He supposed that he was probably looking much thinner than the last time the man had seen him without a shirt on, something he hadn’t even considered when he’d stepped out of the bathroom.

Feeling self-conscious, Reid began piling on the layers. He hoped they would keep him warm, as well as hopefully convince Hotch that he hadn’t lost all the healthy weight he’d finally put on a few months ago, and that he was at least doing okay physically, even if his mental health had been deteriorating.

One problem at a time though, right?

He threw on his long sleeve button down with a tie, his cardigan, as well as his jacket. He pulled up his pants, cringing as they hung off him. Grabbing his belt, he pulled it to the tightest notch, which happened to be one he’d made a while back. Reid also grabbed his trusty purple scarf, quickly tying it around his neck.

He wished he had a heavy sweater to wear, or even a hat of some sort, but he’d have to work with what he’d brought. He towel dried his hair as much as he could and pulled on two mismatched socks. After throwing his pajamas (and Hotch’s sweatshirt) back in his go bag, Reid finally felt a little bit more awake.

Though he still did require a few cups of coffee to be functional.

The steam had all but dissipated at this point, so when he stepped out of the bathroom, the temperature drop wasn’t as drastic as it had been a few minutes earlier.

That didn’t mean that Reid didn’t immediately begin shivering, but it wasn’t as radical of a temperature flux.

Reid set his bag down on the table where it had been and turned to face Hotch. The man was sitting on the bed, fully dressed and ready to go, once again scanning a case file. When he noticed Reid watching him, he closed the file, giving the younger agent a smile, and stood.

“Let’s go get some breakfast and meet up with everyone.” He stated, walking passed Reid and clapping him on the shoulder as he passed.

Reid nodded, trailing slightly behind the man as the two of them left their hotel room.

He walked down the stairs slowly, using the rail to help him as his knee still wasn’t fully healed. Hotch walked slowly down the stairs, probably on purpose as to not leave Reid behind. He was grateful for this, if not a little embarrassed, but he was glad that Hotch didn’t mention anything about it and continued moving when they reached the bottom of the staircase.

In the lobby were Rossi, JJ, and Prentiss. The three of them were sitting around the fireplace, drinking coffee and eating some food which had been provided by the hotel staff.

Reid went straight for the coffee, quickly grabbing a mug and filling it as much as he could. He began pouring sugar in it, only stopping on his fifth packet when Hotch gave him a ‘really’ look.

He walked over to one of the empty chairs, plopping into it. The others were in the midst of conversation about the unsub’s most recent victim, and what other information they had.

However, Reid’s brain was buffering, and he chose to focus on downing his coffee instead.

He was only brought out of his trance when Hotch placed a paper plate of food in his lap.

Reid looked down at the plate, then up to Hotch in slight confusion. The man smiled, nodding towards the plate as encouragement. He pulled up a chair, sitting down next to Reid.

Reid looked at the food once more, stomach rolling as the thought of eating entered his mind. He’d been eating so little recently because of the stress that he was having a hard time getting anything down. He held the plate without eating anything for a while, instead just drinking his coffee.

However, when he ran out of coffee, Hotch quickly snatched the now empty mug from him.

“Hey!”

“You can have more coffee once you’ve eaten something.” Hotch stated firmly. Reid was thankful that his voice wasn’t loud enough to cause the others to notice what was going on. He didn’t want any attention on him, in fact he’d like to just slip into the background again.

However, after the previous night and how Hotch had reacted to all of the information he’d shared, he doubted he’d be able to do that anymore.
Reid mumbled profanities to himself, glancing down at the food again.

The plate wasn’t very big, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to finish it all. There was a scoop of some runny looking scrambled eggs, a plain slice of toast, a few orange slices, and a small sausage.

Reid opted for the toast, feeling that that was probably his safest bet. He looked to Hotch with a pleading look, but the man was dead set. Hotch just stared at him back, unwavering. Reid sighed, lifting the toast up to his mouth.

He took a tiny nibble, thankful that it didn’t have much flavor. He continued picking at it and was relieved when his stomach began to settle more and more as the small amount of food entered his system.

When he did finally finish the toast, Hotch stood and walked to the coffee machine, getting him a new cup. The man only put two sugars in, but it was better than nothing, and Reid happily accepted the cup from Hotch when he returned.

Sipping on his new cup of coffee, he focused his attention on his other team members. Morgan had joined them, but Garcia was still nowhere to be found. And after what had happened a few hours prior, Reid was not too shocked.

The team was currently discussing the profile, which they were about to give to the police. The sheriff and the few members of his department arrived, walking into the lobby with worried looks on their faces.

Reid placed his food on the table and stood, following Hotch’s lead as the man walked over to greet them.

They quickly ran through the profile, alerting the police that they’d need to begin rounding up anyone in the town that fit. They needed to stop the unsub’s spree before anyone else got hurt. Hotch decided to pair them off as to get around the town quicker.

Reid wasn’t shocked when the man hesitated in pairing him off with JJ rather than himself. He was sure Hotch probably didn’t want to be apart from him after the night before, but the sheriff clearly wanted to take Hotch to the school, and they needed to focus on the case.

He and JJ drove around town, finding anyone on the list of suspects the police department had compiled and making light conversation.

It was clear that JJ knew something was up. She was his best friend after all. But she didn’t say anything or ask any questions, rather focusing on the case instead.

It was a few hours later when they met back up at the lodge. Hotch, Rossi, and Morgan were all still out, but Prentiss, JJ, Garcia, and he were sitting together by the fireplace, looking for any other information on their unsub.

The day flew by quickly, everyone staying busy zipping all over town, trying to bring in as many people to the station as possible.

Soon it was seven in the evening, and Hotch was insisting that they’d done all they could for the night, and that they should get dinner and head to bed early.

Rossi had been shooting Reid weird looks all afternoon, after he’d gotten back from his outing with Hotch. It was fairly obvious to Reid that the man must’ve spoken to Rossi at least a little bit about the previous night, because they were more than the normal concerned glances he was used to getting.

When dinner was delivered to them in the lodge Reid opted out. He was too stressed to think about eating right now. Regardless of what Hotch had said, he wasn’t ready to give up on this case so early in the night.

Reid snuck out the back door, hoping to get some time alone. He was relieved that the sun didn’t go down until around ten at night in Alaska this time of year, it was still bright and sunny out. Though he was immediately wracked with shivers as it was still very cold out.

Reid stuffed his hands into his pockets, briskly walking away from the station. He just needed to get out. There was a park not too far away, maybe he’d just walk through it and then come back.

Maybe he’d be blessed with a coffeeshop somewhere along the way.

He walked a few minutes before he realized he was being tailed. He wasn’t sure how he knew, but he just had a gut feeling that someone was following him. He turned a corner, then stopped, waiting for whoever it was to catch up.

A few seconds later, his theory was confirmed.

“Hey-”

“JESUS Christ oh my god Spencer, you scared the shit out of me!” Prentiss replied.

“Why are you following me?” Reid questioned, biting his lip in anxiety.

Prentiss’s face said it all, but she heavily sighed before explaining herself. “Well you didn’t get anything to eat and then snuck out the backdoor, and Hotch has been hovering around you every chance he gets today so I figured he’d probably appreciate it if someone followed you to make sure you didn’t do anything stupid.”

Reid nodded at this. He wasn’t stupid, he knew the whole team had deduced that something was clearly up. He just really didn’t want to deal with this right now. They were supposed to be focused on the case.

He turned to keep walking but was stopped when Prentiss put a hand on his arm. He turned back to her, making eye contact. Her eyes were full of concern.

“Reid, what’s going on?”

“Emily-”

“I’ve been worried about you for a long while, we all have been. You’ve been acting weird lately, withdrawn. You haven’t been coming to any social gathering and, frankly, you look like shit. Please tell me what’s happening.”

“Emily…” Reid bit his lip, looking down at his shoes. “Listen, it’s just not the right time, okay? I promise I’ll talk to you another time.” He turned to leave again but Emily planted herself in front of him this time.

“Spencer, every time I try and get you to open up, you run away. The motto of the BAU is ‘the best predicter of future behavior is past behavior’, so why would I believe you when you run away from me every time?”

Reid looked anywhere but her eyes, not knowing how to answer. She was right of course, he didn’t want to talk to her later, but he also didn’t want to have a full breakdown on the street.

“Would it help if I told you that I t-talked to Hotch last night?”

Emily gave him a deadpan look; she clearly didn’t believe him.

“Really! I did, I didn’t m-mean to but it just kinda happened… he helped… I’m fine now-”

“Reid one talk with someone doesn’t immediately fix all of your problems. You have the whole team at your disposal, we all want to help. You just have to let us in.”

Reid wasn’t sure what to say. He wanted to talk to Emily, he wanted to let her in.

But he also didn’t know how functional he would be the rest of the day if he did.

He looked down, chewing on his lip and scratching at the crook of his arm anxiously. His body was trembling from the cold, and he was once again wishing he’d brought heavier layers.

“Emily, I p-promise, I’ll be okay for another d-day.” He looked up at her, attempting to use his puppy dog eyes. “You’re right, I’ve not been doing so well, and I promise I’ll talk to you about it after this case is over. But I can’t do this right now” he pleaded with her.

Emily paused, frowning, before giving a nod. “Fine, but only if you come with me to get some food somewhere.”

“Oh I’m not-”

“Well I don’t care if you’re not hungry, you need to eat. You’re starting to look like a skeleton. Plus, you’re freezing, we need to get you inside.” Emily hooked her arm around Reid’s, beginning to lead them forward along the sidewalk. He knew she was right; he was looking more and more malnourished now adays.

The stress was just too much, but maybe they could help him. Like they’d helped him before.

His mind began to wander back to his thoughts of self-loathing. Of how much of a burden he was on all of them. But when he started to get a lost look in his eyes, Prentiss would comment on something, snapping him out of it. Distracting him from the sorrow.

Helping him.

They found a small café and Prentiss ordered Reid to a table while she got some food. He sat down, relieved to be inside the heated shop, body finally warming up once more. His hands felt frozen, along with his face and the tips of his eats.

Prentiss arrived at the table a few minutes later at the booth with a raspberry scone and a blueberry muffin, as well as two cups of coffee.

Reid greedily took the cup, immediately taking a swig. He relished the warmth of the mug on his hands, and just sat a moment, holding the mug.

“Scone or muffin?”

Reid opened his eyes, not even having realized he’d closed them. Emily was staring at him, awaiting an answer.

“Whichever is fine…”

“Okay, you can have the scone then.” She stated, quickly shoving the scone towards him. She immediately began peeling back the paper on the muffin, readying it for consumption.

When Reid didn’t move his hands, Prentiss rolled her eyes, leaning forwards slightly.

“Eat, Spence.” She ordered, pointing at the scone. “I will hold you down and force feed you. Don’t tempt me.”

Reid’s eyes widened at this, knowing her threat was very much real and not any sort of bluff. He reluctantly pulled his hands away from the warmth of the mug and reached for the scone.

Carefully, he broke of a small piece and placed it in his mouth. It seemed to coat his taste buds in the best possible way with the sweetness of raspberry, and the butteryness of the pastry. He was shocked at how good it was, and immediately reached for another piece. Emily smirked at this, biting into her own baked good and smiling at its flavor as well.

Both of them were thoroughly impressed with the bakery.

It wasn’t long before both of them finished their pastries and coffee and walked out of the café feeling a little more content.

They still had a lot of work to do on the case, but for once, Reid was thankful he’d taken a break. The two of them walked, arm and arm, back to the lodge, talking about nothing in particular. Emily respected that Reid didn’t want to get into it right now, and he had kept his end of the deal, so she wouldn’t break hers either.

When they got back to the lodge, it was almost nine thirty. The sun would be setting soon. The lobby was fairly empty, save for Hotch and JJ, who were sitting at a table, looking over files.

Reid figured that Rossi must be in bed, and Morgan and Garcia were probably talking in their room.

When Hotch and JJ spotted them, an immediate look of relief appeared on both of their faces. Reid realized just then that he’d not told anyone where he was off to. But, he supposed, Prentiss had probably texted them to inform the team that they were alright.

JJ jumped up, hugging Reid. He was taken aback at first, but quickly returned the hug. They stayed like that a few moments before she loosened her grip on him. She backed away slightly, still keeping hands on his shoulders. JJ looked him up and down before smiling at him.

She leaned in once more to his ear, as though she wanted to tell him something secret. Reid leaned forwards, slightly confused but intrigued as well.

“I love you Spence, Hotch told me that you’ve been struggling, and I want you to know that I am here for you whenever you need me. I want to help, but I understand if you don’t wanna talk now. But please, when you’re ready to talk, I’ll be there for you, I want to listen.”

Reid smiled, holding back tears that were forming from her sweet message. He pulled her back into a hug once more, this time him gripping her more tightly.

When they finally separated, she patted him on the shoulders before backing up and turning away. She grabbed her bag, turned to Prentiss, and nodded a goodnight at Hotch. The two women smiled at Reid and turned to walk upstairs.

Reid watched them go, in a slight state of shock at the past few minutes, fatigue beginning to catch up with him as well. He was thankful that Hotch didn’t mention any details to JJ (or Rossi for that matter), but he was a little annoyed at the man for bringing it up at all in the middle of a case.

But, then again, it seemed like they’d all come to their own conclusions about his mental state anyways, and with Hotch’s hovering this morning, they’d probably all figured out that he’d finally talked to the man the previous night.

Reid didn’t realize he’d zoned out until Hotch grabbed his arm. He lazily turned his head towards the man, exhaustion hitting him like a truck.

His legs buckled underneath him and he started to fall, but, luckily, Hotch grabbed him before he could even drop to his knees.

Reid shook his head as Hotch held him up, attempting to steady him on his own two feet once more.

“Sorry.” He whispered, getting his footing once more. He swayed a little again and Hotch grabbed his waist, keeping him from falling over.

“Are you feeling ill?”

Reid shook his head, eyes starting to feel heavy.

“Jus- tired…” Reid slurred, looking at the ground.

Maybe he could just go to sleep right here… his body started to tip again. His eyes slipped closed and, though he didn’t lose consciousness, he let his body fall.

But maybe it was because he knew someone was finally there to catch him.

He felt Hotch grab him by the armpits, slowly lowering him to the floor. The man gently grabbed his face, urging him to awaken. Reid managed to pull open his eyes for a moment, gaze fuzzy and unfocused.

“Reid, can you hear me?”

He nodded lazily, letting his eyes shut once more.

“Just tired my ass.” Hotch muttered under his breath, slipping his arms under the kid’s back and knees. “More like full blown exhaustion.”

He lifted much too easily and frowned. The kid was a lot lighter than the last time he’d picked him up. In fact, this was the lightest he’d been in Hotch’s arms.

Hotch realized that it was probably weird that he’d picked up the young agent so many times, but the kid just had such bad luck. Between injuries and other, seemly constant, traumas, sometimes you just had to let him get his sleep wherever he was lying.

Hotch stood, swiftly making his way towards the staircase. Might as well get the kid to bed, he could always come get their stuff from downstairs later.

It’s not like anyone at the inn was going to take their casefiles.

He swung the door to their hotel room open and walked inside, immediately depositing Reid on the bed. He sat, tapping the young agent’s face. As much as he wanted to let him sleep, the kid needed to change out of his work clothing, and he was wearing far too many layers for Hotch to do it himself.

“Reid, wake up, just for a minute.”

Reid lethargically opened his eyes, gaze still glazed over and heavy with fatigue. He slowly sat up, with the help of Hotch, and began undoing the buttons on his cardigan.

Hotch stood, walking to his go bag and finding his pajamas, as well as the man’s sweatshirt that he’d loaned Reid the previous night. By the time he’d gotten everything from his bag, Reid was finally beginning to undo the buttons on his bottom most layer.

Hotch sat the clothing down next to Reid, turning away to give him some privacy. He’d seen the look of panic on Reid’s face that morning when he’d accidentally glimpsed the kid’s torso.

He was very thin. Emaciated looking thin. And as much as Hotch was terribly worried, he didn’t need to make him self conscious about his body at the moment.

Reid just needed rest right now.

When he heard a soft plop on the mattress, Hotch turned around. A very tiny looking Reid was huddled under the blankets, being swallowed whole by his sweater. The man smiled at this, before turning to get his own change of clothing.

When Hotch was finally ready for bed, he slid under the blankets next to Reid. The kid was laying on his side, facing him, already in a very deep slumber. He was still slightly trembling from the cold though.

Hotch grabbed him like he had the previous night, and so many times before, bringing the kid closer to his chest.

Reid leaned into him immediately, as he always inevitably did, and Hotch wrapped a protective arm around him.

Hopefully this night Reid could get some good rest. Hopefully he’d actually be refreshed tomorrow, and they could start the day anew. Hopefully they’d catch the unsub without any more casualties and they could finally head back to DC and face Reid’s problems head on as a team.

Hopefully, Hotch thought, they would be able to provide Reid with something that he desperately needed; hope.

Chapter Text

PT 4

Reid awoke to a cell phone ringing. It startled him awake, but he still was sluggish in pulling open his eyes. The body he was lying against moved away from him, and he felt the mattress shift.

A very groggy sounding Hotch answered the phone. “Hotchner… Where?... I’ll be there shortly.” The man quickly hung up the phone and stood, immediately beginning to get dressed.

“Reid, got another body, its Carol.”

Reid rolled over, brows furrowing as he slowly connected the dots. “Carol, like Carol’s tavern Carol? Josh’s mom?”

“Yes.” Hotch’s voice was serious as he quickly buttoned his shirt and threw on a tie. “I’m going to head to her house with Morgan. I need you and Rossi at the police station when they let everyone go. You need to speak with Josh about his mother before he hears from someone else. If the unsub is now targeting someone who doesn’t fit their MO, Joshua probably has some connection with them. Go over the profile with him, find out what he knows.”

By the time the man was done speaking, he was out the door. Reid slowly sat up, processing all of the information which had just been thrown at him. He rubbed the exhaustion out of his eyes, willing his body to awaken.

Within the next few minutes he managed to coax himself out of bed and to the bathroom. He once again lavished in the warmth of the shower, reluctant to step out from under the heat. He was becoming more and more irritated with the low temperatures as the days dragged on.

Reid quickly dressed himself, once again piling on as many layers as he could. This time he kept the sweatshirt that Hotch had given him on, pulling it over his vest, button-down shirt and tie, and throwing his jacket over it.

He had like five layers on at this point, but he was desperate for warmth. He didn’t care that he looked a bit like a child whose mom had overdressed them for a winter outing.

Hopefully the layers would keep some of the heat trapped in.

It wasn’t more than ten minutes later when Reid emerged from the room, feeling more awake but still in desperate need of coffee. When he reached the lobby, he found the team, save Hotch and Morgan, sitting around the fireplace.

When Rossi noticed his approach, he immediately turned, handing Reid a coffee, and motioned for them to go on ahead out the door.

They didn’t have a ton of time before the men would be let go from the holding cells.

Reid sipped the warm coffee as they walked out the door, grateful that Rossi had grabbed it for him. The two of them silently walked across the street to the small station. Reid had a million thoughts running through his mind as he finally seemed to rouse enough to process the situation.

Joshua would most likely be sad, but incredibly angry with them. He was sure that the man would blame them for his mother’s death, as he would’ve been with her had they not locked him up for the night.

Not that he blamed him, Reid would be angry as well. It was kind of their fault, yet they’d have to reason with him that he might have been killed as well if he’d been there.

Either way, it was going to be a very difficult conversation to have.

Rossi and he arrived in the station and Reid immediately breathed a sigh of relief at the warm air blasting. Rossi approached the sheriff, making conversation about when they’d be releasing everyone and the details of Carol’s death.

Reid leaned against one of the desks, crossing his arms and biting his lip. He began to zone out a bit, feeling guilty about the woman’s death. Maybe there was something they could’ve done to prevent it, something he could’ve found…

He refocused himself when the men began pouring out of the cells. They received many dirty looks as the people left, having proven that they weren’t guilty of the crimes.

When Josh appeared, trailing behind with the Deputy, Reid’s stomach rolled. This was always the worst part of the job. Delivering news like this was horrible, and he hated having to be a part of it, especially when he knew that he probably could’ve prevented her death if he’d worked a little harder…

“You guys finally realize I’m innocent?” Joshua questioned, smiling.

Deputy Flack took a breath, also unsure of how to begin. “Joshua, please have a seat.”

“More questions?” Josh asked, staring at Rossi and he. When Josh went to look at Reid, he found his gaze quickly falling to the floor, unable to maintain eye contact with the man. “You serious?”

Reid tucked his hands in his pockets, awkwardly glancing at Rossi who was standing strong, showing no sign of emotion on his face.

“I’m telling you; I didn’t do this.”

“We know that, son.” Rossi finally spoke up. “Please, sit down.”

Joshua paused, turning to look back at Reid again. “What’s going on?”

Reid bit his lip, avoiding eye contact once again. The pit in his stomach was growing with each second.

“Josh,” Flack spoke up again, “the… the killer struck again last night.”

“Oh, God.” He sighed, “Who did he get?”

Rossi looked at the Deputy, clearly not wanting to be the one to break the news.

“Why are you guys only telling me this?” Joshua asked, facing Reid once more. As Reid looked anywhere but Joshua, the young man seemed to piece it together. “Where’s my mom?”

Rossi looked at him, giving him all the answer he needed, and Joshua began to understand.

“No. No. No.” Joshua said, voice beginning to break. Reid finally looked back up at him, seeing the pain filling the young man’s eyes. “No, no, no, no.” Reid dipped his head in sorrow at Josh’s loss, feeling a lump beginning to form in his throat. “No, no, no that’s impossible! She, she was just here! I- I just talked to her!” He yelled angerly, taking a step towards Reid.

As much as he wanted to reel back at this, he held his ground, looking at Josh once more. He understood what he was going through, but he knew that nothing he could say would make it better.

“I’m sorry Joshua” Rossi spoke calmly, “She’s gone.”

Joshua groaned in angst, eyes filling with tears. He muttered more denials to himself before taking a seat, unwilling to accept the horrible truth.

“You’re lying” he accused, voice breaking.

Reid swallowed, finally feeling strong enough to speak; “I wish we were.” He said in a small voice, watching the young man begin to fall apart.

Josh shook his head, letting tears fall. “I need to see her.”

“Not right now.” Rossi quickly replied, knowing that wasn’t the best idea considering her violent death. “You don’t wanna think of her that way.”

Reid took a deep breath, knowing that he needed to get information for Hotch. Josh had to know something, they just needed to figure out what.

“Joshua, we know you need time to mourn, but the fact of the matter is, the man who did this is still out there and we think that you can help us find him.”

“You had me locked up while she was…” Josh angrily spat at Reid, overcome with grief. But as quickly as the anger came, it was gone. “I could have helped her.”

Reid felt awful for Joshua, knowing the guilt he was feeling inside. It was the same guilt that Reid constantly felt over every person they lost. Every victim they couldn’t save. He blinked quickly, tearing his eyes away from Joshua. He didn’t trust his voice anymore, knowing that he was on the verge of breaking down as well.

“If you had gone to her, there’s a good chance you’d both be dead.” Rossi stated, voice unwavering. “Now, we need your help.”

“Why me?”

“The murders began when you returned to town,” Reid started, voice weak and breaking for him, “now up until now he’s only targeted people who were trying to leave but for some reason, with your mother, it was personal.”

Rossi and Reid explained the profile to Joshua as much as they could, asking about anyone who might’ve had a grudge against his mother.

When they began describing the unsub, there was an obvious moment of realization in Joshua’s eyes. But he denied it, and he didn’t tell them anything. It was clear that the man knew who it was, they just needed to figure out who the unsub was for themselves before Joshua went off and did something stupid.

“Did you see his behavior shift from wanting to help us to wanting to leave? He's lying.”

“Because he knows who the unsub is.”

The two of them gathered their belongings, trekking back across the street to the lodge. The whole team, plus the sheriff and a few officers, were gathered in the lobby and Rossi quickly filled them in on the conversation they’d just had.

Reid found himself plopping down on the couch by Garcia after he’d refilled his coffee. He already felt emotionally drained for the day after that encounter, and it was only nine in the morning.
Hotch moved to stand on Reid’s other side, hovering around him once more. He could feel the man’s eyes on him and knew that the team had definitely noticed the man’s concern at this point, but he was too tired to care.

Plus, they had a case to focus on.

Garcia was typing away on her laptop, looking for anyone who might fit their unsub’s profile that they didn’t have in custody the previous night. The team was conversing about their findings, but Reid wasn’t really listening, allowing his mind to drift instead.

It was becoming more and more difficult for him to focus these days. He just constantly felt exhausted and drained, mix that with more guilt and he just wanted to burrow in bed and go to sleep for a week.

Hotch patted him on the shoulder, bringing him out of his trance. “Let’s go.” He said, grabbing his jacket and beginning to follow Rossi and the sheriff out the door.

Reid wasn’t sure where they were going, but he reluctantly stood, rebuttoning his jacket and holding his warm coffee, and trailed behind the other three men.

They once again walked across the street to the police station, Reid sighing in relief once more at the heat as they stepped inside. If only the lodge had this kind of central heating.

Rossi and the Sheriff briskly walked to the back of the station, presumably going to grab something out of evidence. Hotch took the moment to turn and look at Reid, concern written all over his face.

“I shouldn’t have made you talk to Joshua this morning. I’m sorry. I didn’t think about how emotionally draining that can be and you’re going through enough right now.”

Reid’s brows furrowed at this comment. “It’s fine Hotch, really. I- I’m fine.”

Hotch patted him on the shoulder, clearly seeing through his lame attempt at a lie. “You can always sit this one out-”

“Hotch, no. Really, I’m okay.” Reid stated firmly. He did not want to be kicked off the case, he just needed to get back in his head. He took another swig of his coffee, hoping it would help clear the mess that was his muddled mind.

“Have you had anything to eat today?”

Reid debated lying, but decided it wasn’t worth it. He shook his head, biting his lip awkwardly.

Hotch reached into his pocket and pulled out a granola bar. He smiled, placing it in Reid’s palm, grabbing the cup of coffee out of his other hand. “I didn’t think so. Eat.”

The man walked away from Reid, approaching Rossi and the sheriff who had emerged with stacks of files. Reid looked down at the granola bar in slight confusion before beginning to unwrap it. He wasn’t sure why Hotch had this on him, or where he’d gotten it from, but now wasn’t the time to question the man’s anticks.

Plus, he was feeling shitter than normal, and it was probably because of the lack of food in his body. Reid turned to walk towards the other men, simultaneously biting part of the bar off.

They were looking at photos of the mutilated animals that the deputy had mentioned a few days back. Reid began flipping through pictures and it quickly became obvious that a bear was not responsible for these attacks.

“Sheriff, we need to adjust the profile.”

“What do you mean?”

“These animals weren’t mutilated by a rabid bear. Someone did this.”

The sheriff looked bewildered. “You mean a person?”

“An animal wouldn’t have left so much.” Reid stated.

“We should’ve seen it before. It’s homicidal triad 101.” Rossi tacked on.

“We said the kills were all over the map. The unsub lacks sophistication and shows immaturity in his kills because he is immature.”

Rossi spoke up again. “He started with animals because that’s what he was taught ever since he was a child.”

“And when he got bored with animals, he moved on to more challenging prey,” Hotch stated.

“People.”

“Your unsub’s a teenage boy.” Hotch finished, seriously.

~

It didn’t take them long to figure out who the unsub was after speaking with the teacher again. Reid had gone with Hotch and the Sheriff this time but waited in the heated car as they spoke to her. Hotch told him it wasn’t necessary for him to come freeze outside with them. Any other time he might fight against this, but he was still shivering in the heat, so he stayed.

Soon they were at Owen Porter’s house. After Hotch knocked, a very large man angrily opened the door. This must be the abusive father of the unsub.

“Mr. Porter is your son at home?”

“What’s it to you?”

Hotch immediately forced his way in the house, clearly already fed up with the man’s attitude. That was Reid’s cue to go search.

He quickly followed behind Hotch, racing through the house before anyone could stop him. He didn’t see any sign of Owen, but there were very obvious signs of abuse scattered around the house. Broken plates and glasses, bandages in the garbage, and they even only had one chair at the dining room table, as if Mr. Porter was the only one worthy of sitting in a seat.

Reid walked back into the room where Hotch and the sheriff were, along with Mr. and Mrs. Porter. The poor woman was clearly frightened of her husband, cowering away each time he opened his mouth.

But, luckily, she was a good person, and she wanted to help them.

When they eventually got it out of her where Owen was headed, the three of them (plus the newly arrested Mr. Porter) sped over to the harbor. Reid awkwardly pulled his FBI vest on over his many layers, then put his jacket over top.

After parking and leaving the man in the vehicle, they raced down the docks for where Owen’s boat would be parked.

Luckily, he hadn’t arrived yet.

The three of them hopped on the boat behind his, hiding, awaiting the kid’s arrival. They weren’t surprised when a few minutes later, Owen hopped down into his boat, holding a shotgun.

Hotch stepped out first, the sheriff following close behind and Reid tailed off to the side, aiming his gun at Owen.

“Owen, put the gun down.”

“Drop it son!”

“Who do you wanna take your chances with, us or them?” Hotch questioned, watching the arrival of the angry townspeople. The man raised his gun at them instead, yelling “drop the weapons and back away!”

“Can’t do that agents, the boy’s coming with us.”

“It’s not happening!”

“Back down Keith, we’re in control now.”

“What are you going to do Steve, he’s 16. Send him back to juvey so he’s out in two years? He killed Brenda.”

“He killed my mom.” Joshua spoke up, aiming his weapon.

“He needs help and he will be held accountable for his crimes-” Hotch stated, but he was cut off by Joshua.

“Accountable? Five people are dead.” Joshua was getting more and more angry, hand becoming tighter over the trigger. “Why’d you do it Owen, huh? Why’d you kill her?”

“You left me behind!” The young unsub yelled in anger.

“You killed my mom!”

“She sent you away! You left, and you didn’t come back! Eight years and I never heard from you again.

Reid cleared his throat, hoping it would be loud enough for everyone to hear. He lowered his gun, looking at Joshua, pleading. “Please, just let us take him in.”

“Sorry. I can't.” Joshua spoke, gun still aimed at Owen. “I know what you're saying is right, But I can't do it.”

“I'm terribly sorry for your loss, but please just put your guns down so no one else gets hurt.” Reid stated, exhaustion beginning to bleed through his voice. He just wanted this case to be over. There was no reason for more violence.

“Are you kidding? You're outnumbered and outgunned. Who do you think has the higher ground here?”

“I'm pretty sure we do!” Rossi shouted, appearing with Morgan and Prentiss on the docks.

“I don't know. What are you-- what are you doing? We can still take him!” Joshua yelled in anger as his other acquaintances put their guns down.

“It's over, Joshua.” Keith said, turning to the younger man.

“He killed my mom.”

“I know, And I'm sorry.” Joshua raised his gun once more, aiming for Owen.

A shot fired, but it was Joshua who was hit, not Owen.

“You shot him?”

“He'll live.” Rossi said, lowering his weapon.

The next hour was a blur to Reid. He remembers watching Owen get arrested and shoved in the back of a police car along with his father. He remembers the EMTs strapping Joshua to a gurney and rushing off to the hospital. And he remembers walking away from the scene silently, getting in the car, and driving back to the lodge.

But it felt like a dream.

He was dissociating again. The whole weekend had been too stressful on his body in many different ways. Physically, emotionally, mentally; he’d hit all of the big ones this time.

He knew that Hotch, and probably the rest of the team, was going to want to talk to him more about the issues he’d been dealing with for the past few months. But right now, he just wanted to sleep.

Reid was sitting in the large chair by the fireplace in the lodge. His legs were hanging over the arm of the left side of the chair, and his head was leaning against the other. He was essentially using the large chair as a bed.

He didn’t quite recall how he got there, there were some missing moments from his timeline, but he didn’t think much of it.

Instead he was silently staring at the dancing flames, letting the muffled voices of his coworkers wash over him.

They weren’t going to be able to fly out until tomorrow because of the weather, so they were all actually enjoying themselves sitting around the dining table.

Reid wanted to join them. He wanted to hear stories about JJ’s kids, or know about Morgan’s most recent date, or even Garcia’s newly found favorite video game. But he couldn’t.

He didn’t realize he’d closed his eyes until he felt something get draped over his body. It felt like a heavy blanket, and he immediately settled underneath it, not having realized how cold he was until that moment.

He then felt someone’s hand brush through his hair and immediately he leaned into the touch, asking for more. The person appeased him, continuing to play with his curls and Reid melted into the touch, becoming more and more relaxed until he was barely aware.

Only when a conversation began near him did he perk up a little, but he didn’t open his eyes or show that he was awake in any fashion.

“Kid’s tired.” Morgan stated.

There was a pause before the person who’d been petting Reid answered.

“I think he’s been tired for a while.” JJ said in a hushed voice. She was the one who was sitting with him. “He hasn’t been himself in quite a while” she remarked, a bit of sadness slipping into the tone of her voice.

“He’s got a lotta walls built up in that head of his.” Morgan observed, also sounding relatively unhappy about it. “I feel like we’ve all tried so hard to approach him, yet somehow he’s managed to slip further from our grasps.”

“Hotch talked to him.”

“What?” Morgan sounded incredibly surprised. He’d had no idea.

“The other night,” JJ started, “it sounds like Spence kinda broke in front of Hotch the first night here. I asked him if everything was okay because of how much Hotch has been hovering around him the past few days so he told me, but I don’t know the details of it. Must’ve been pretty bad though for Hotch to be this worked up over him.”

“Wow” Morgan’s voice was very soft, the news having him feeling taken aback. “I guess I just thought… well I thought that if things were too bad, he would’ve come to me…”

“Oh Morgan, don’t feel bad. He didn’t really come to anyone. I think Hotch just happened to catch Reid at a bad moment, I don’t think he ‘chose’ him over anyone. Plus, I mean you know he thinks of the man like his father. I’m sure that has something to do with it too.”

“I just wish he knew how important he was to us.” Morgan stated, sounding a little angry. “Kid probably thinks he’d burden us with his problems when in reality all I want is to be able to help him.”

“Maybe one day we’ll make him understand. For now, though, I think we just have to be patient.”

“I know… it’s just… hard… to watch him keep falling apart like this when we’re right here, willing and able to help him.”

A silence fell over the two of them, apparently not having much else to add.

Reid heard their words but didn’t process them at the moment. His body was too fatigued. However, his mind would hold onto them and, later, he’d be able to think about what the two had discussed when they’d thought he was asleep.

Chapter Text

PT5

Reid awoke, fairly confused, laying alone in the bed of the Alaskan hotel room. He squinted his eyes open, attempting to adjust to the light and glance around the room.

Hotch was nowhere to be seen.

Reid rubbed his face, sitting up in bed. The minute the blanket he’d been wrapped in fell off, he realized that it was still freezing. He instantly began shivering, and grabbed the blanket once more, wrapping it around his body.

Slowly, as to not knock the blanket off his body, he shifted so that he could see the digital clock sitting on the nightstand. It was almost noon.

Reid’s heart immediately started pounding, having realized that they were supposed to be on the plane home hours ago. He stood, bringing the blanket with him, and rushed over to where his phone was charging on the desk.

He quickly read through his messages, feeling the adrenaline rush begin to fade.

Hotch had texted him that the weather was too extreme, and they would be stuck in Alaska until the weather cleared up. Reid frowned at this, annoyed that he’d have to deal with the cold weather for longer, but he was thankful that he hadn’t been left behind.

Reid sat back down on the edge of the bed, shivering underneath the heavy blanket. Then it hit him, where the hell had this come from? And how had he gotten into bed?

He yawned, rubbing his eyes as he searched his memory. The last thing he could recall was sitting down in front of the fireplace. He vaguely remembered people whispering around him, and someone playing with his hair, but other than that, his mind went blank.

Reid felt heat rush to his cheeks as he realized that he’d fallen asleep downstairs, and someone had carried him up here. His team members had carried him all too often and, though they never said anything about it, it always made Reid a little embarrassed.

He also realized that he was no longer wearing his work clothing and his blush set in even deeper. Hotch had probably dressed him like a child so that he hadn’t had to sleep in uncomfortable clothing.

Feeling slightly shameful about the past evening, he decided he’d take a shower and at least try to look presentable.

Making his way to the bathroom, Reid threw the blanket on the bed and quickly rushed in to turn on the hot water. Luckily, it warmed fairly quickly, and steam began to build in the bathroom. Before the mirror became covered in condensation, Reid briefly looked himself over. He still looked very gaunt and pale, but his undereye bags were a little more under control after sleeping for over twelve hours the previous night. His hair stuck out all over the place but, luckily, the shower should fix that.

He quickly stripped and hopped under the warm spray of water, relishing in the heat.

Reid found himself once again standing under the shower head, doing nothing for quite a long while. He knew the minute he stepped out, he’d be cold again and, while he didn’t want to use all the hot water up, he decided that he was probably the only one showering this time of day and it wouldn’t matter.

When he stepped out of the shower into the steamed bathroom, he was thankful that he’d actually grabbed his bag this time. He was able to shift through his go-bag, looking for clean, warm clothing without shaking from the cold.

He had casual wear in his bag which he rarely got to wear, but now that they weren’t technically working anymore, he figured he may as well opt for those rather than his thin button downs.

Reid pulled on his brown corduroy pants and looped his belt around his waist, pulling it to the tightest notch once more. Then he threw on a plain black long sleeve, the dark grey sweatshirt Hotch had given him, and then a red and black flannel that he’d forgotten he’d had in the bottom of his bag. Finally, he pulled on some mismatched socks and sneakers.

Stepping out into the chilly room, Reid was fairly happy with himself.

It certainly still wasn’t enough, he still shivered slightly when the cold air hit him, but it was the warmest he’d felt save for when he’d been bundled in the heavy blanket this morning.

By the time he’d dried his hair enough so that it wouldn’t freeze instantly, it was almost one in the afternoon, and Reid decided that he was in desperate need of coffee. He grabbed his phone, shoving it in his pocket, and left the hotel room.

The minute he stepped into the hallway he could hear the team talking downstairs. Reid smiled as he heard Emily, JJ, Rossi, and Garcia laugh at something while someone else (Hotch?) was groaning.

These were the best moments, when they could just act like a family. He moved towards the stairway but found himself stopping at the top.

Reid’s smiled dropped from his face; he’d probably ruin the moment. He had been bringing down the mood recently and they probably didn’t want him around. He’d just heard how happy they could be without him there; he didn’t want to annoy them.

Plus, his appearance would probably bring Hotch a lot of stress, something the man did not need more of. Reid stood there a few moments, contemplating while listening to the occasional loud word or burst of laughter from the group.

Reid decided he wasn’t going to join them, but when he began to turn around, he found himself bumping into someone.

“Shit, sorry” Reid apologized immediately, not having realized that it was Morgan who he’d stumbled into.

The man put his arms on Reid’s, steadying him.

“Oh, hey Morgan. What are you doing up here?”

Morgan’s brows furrowed; concern written on his face. “Uh, just grabbing my phone. Garcia hogged all the plugs last night charging all her equipment… Are you heading downstairs?” the man looked like he already knew Reid’s answer, but he asked anyways.

“Oh, uh, I forgot something in my room and… I don’t know, I think I might just read a little, but I might be down later?”

“Kid” Morgan said, placing a hand on his shoulder, “can… can we talk?”

“Uh I guess but I do really need some coffee in me so can we do it later?”

“Why don’t I take you for coffee and we can do it there.”

Reid swallowed the nervousness that had been building inside him. It had been hard enough talking to Hotch, now he was gunna have to do it with another teammate? Or what if this wasn’t even about that, what if Morgan was going to tell him that he hated him? He had made it explicitly clear that he hadn’t wanted to share a room with him during this trip, maybe he was going to tell him what he’d done to earn his hatred.

That had to be it. The man didn’t care about him, he was just an annoyance. Morgan hated him, and he wanted to finally talk to him about what he’d done.

Reid gave a very small, reluctant nod, earning a smile from Morgan. The man patted him on the shoulder and began heading down the stairs.

Now Reid was very confused.

He slowly followed after the man, once again gripping the railing as he slowly trekked down the staircase. When he reached the bottom, the group had gone silent, looking up at his arrival. He awkwardly gave a smile, cursing himself inside his head.

He knew he would ruin their spirits.

Hotch and Morgan were speaking by the door in hushed whispers, but everyone else was just looking at him.

JJ stood up breaking the silence and handing him a cup of coffee. “Good morning sleepyhead,” she stated casually with a soft smile, “you sure slept a long-time last night.”

“Looked like you needed it,” Rossi remarked, smiling as well.

“Yeah uh-” Reid coughed awkwardly into his hand, “I guess I did.”

He sighed a breath of relief as the eyes turned away from him, refocusing on previous conversation. Reid very quickly downed the cup of coffee, his body relishing in the warmth of the liquid and the caffeine it had been craving.

By the time he’d finished, Morgan appeared before him.

“Ready?”

Reid nodded, following behind the man as he led them towards the door. He felt eyes on him and briefly turned his head, noticing Hotch. The man was watching the two of them leave, concern painting his features, but the minute he made eye contact with Reid his eyes softened, and a small smile inched onto his face.

Reid gave an awkward smile before turning forwards again, trailing behind Morgan.

The two of them piled in the car, Reid sighing when the hot air began to blast onto them. It didn’t take more than a few minutes to make their way to a small coffee stand in a parking lot.

They got their coffee fairly quickly, and Morgan drove to a corner of the lot, parked, and proceeded to stare at Reid.

Reid ignored his eyes, choosing to focus on his very warm, delicious coffee instead. He hoped the man would just drive them back to the lodge and they wouldn’t have to talk, but his plan seemed to be hopeless.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Reid couldn’t help but meet the man’s worried gaze. Morgan and he looked at one another for a few seconds before the man shook his head, breaking the gaze.

“Reid, what’s going on man?” he started, clearly very upset. “I mean, you know you can tell me anything right?” He turned back to Reid, looking very deeply into his eyes.

Reid broke the eye contact, looking down at his lap. He clenched his jaw, unsure of what to say. “I-I don’t know what I did to upset you b-but I truly am sorry Derrick-”

“Upset me? What? Reid, I’m not upset with you, I’m worried about you! You haven’t been acting yourself the past few months and you look sickly, I want help, but you haven’t let me. You haven’t let me in. You need to let me in man.”

“You… wait, so…” Reid was taken aback slightly by the information. “You don’t… hate me?” he asked in a very small voice.

The silence was palpable as Morgan gaped at Reid. He truly did seem shocked at the question.

“Hate you? Kid, you’re like my baby brother. I could never hate you! Why would you think…” realization dawned on Morgan’s face, “oh.”

Reid once again looked to his lap, avoiding eye contact. However, Morgan placed a hand on his shoulder, causing him to look up at the man.

“Kid, look, I’m really sorry I said that. I didn’t mean it like that. More than anything I didn’t want to sleep with you because you tend to flail around a lot in your sleep and I didn’t wanna get wacked in the face again. It wasn’t because I hate you.”

Reid bit his lip, nodding at this. He still wasn’t thoroughly convinced that the man didn’t hate him, but he did know he moved around a lot while he was asleep, so it was a valid excuse.

“Now can we discuss whatever’s been going on with you?” Morgan asked, squeezing his shoulder in encouragement.

Reid took a deep breath, hoping he could keep his emotions in check this time. he was just going to give him the short version, the man didn’t need all the details. Plus, he wasn’t about to have another full breakdown in front of a teammate.

He was unsure of where to start, so, reluctantly, he brought his right hand out of his jacket pocket and held it out for Morgan to inspect.

The man instantly grabbed it, noticing the array of scars littering his knuckles. Morgan looked up with confusion and distress but didn’t say anything. Instead, he did the same motion which Hotch had done, gently brushing over the scars with his own fingers.

Feeling a small amount of courage to speak, Reid took a deep breath.

“I, uh, haven’t been doing super well lately. Mentally. Or uh, physically, I guess. I mean, I guess you already knew that, but it’s been… rough.” Reid swallowed, nerves beginning to flare a bit as the pit returned to his stomach. “It all started when I got shot in the knee. Being on desk duty is where I’m supposed to thrive, I’m horrible in the field, yet I kept messing things up. First it was victimology, then it was my geographical profile. Then… t-then we started losing more people because I wasn’t fast enough to figure out who or where the unsub would be. Then JJ g-got hurt, and then Emily. All because of me and my stupidity, my inaccuracy in profiles.”

Reid felt tears begin to well up in his eyes and he closed them, shaking his head at himself. He clenched his jaw, trying to hold in his emotions, but he was just too upset in reliving all his recent mistakes. He took a deep, shuttering breath before continuing.

“My problems were tiny comparative to all the bullshit Hotch went through, yet he’s still functioning somehow and I’m just a liability. He’s stronger than me, better than me. He doesn’t deserve all the shit that happened to him but I…” Reid trailed off, a tear finally falling down his cheek as he finished in a tiny voice “I deserve it.”

The car was silent once more as Reid’s words sunk in. It was clear that Morgan was shocked, unsure of how to reply, so the man just kept a hold on his scarred hand instead.

After a few more moments, Morgan broke the silence.

“How’d this happen?”

“I punched my mirror.”

Morgan looked at him with great concern. It was fairly obvious from the marks that he’d hit it more than once, and Reid was certain the other agent would put that together fairly quickly.

Reid bit his lip, turning away from the man in shame. “I guess there’s something else too. Uh, I almost jumped off a bridge.”

“What?”

“Well I guess technically I almost ‘fell’ off a bridge because I wasn’t standing but-”

“Spencer,” Morgan gently grabbed his face, tilting it towards his own. The man’s eyes were filled with tears, ready to spill down his face, “you tried to kill yourself?”

Reid bit his lip again, avoiding eye contact, but ultimately nodded at Morgan’s question. The man rubbed a hand over his head in clear distress, looking incredibly unhappy.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, Reid, don’t apologize, I should be the one apologizing. I should’ve noticed that you were struggling.”

“It’s not your fault-”

“No, it is kid, really, all of us should’ve noticed that you needed help. I mean I think we all knew something was up but none of us really reached out… I guess we all assumed that you’d come to us if something was really wrong…” Morgan stated sadly.

Reid gave a sad smile, eyes glinting with tears, “that’s what Hotch said too. I didn’t wanna put all of my problems on any of you guys… they’re my problems, I should be able to handle them alone.” He closed his eyes, letting tears flow freely as he thought about how pathetic he must look to Morgan now.

“That’s the beauty of family, kid, you don’t have to handle them alone. That’s what we’re here for.” Reid laughed with a bit of joy and sadness at this, but it immediately turned into sobs. His body was beginning to break down once more as waves of emotion hit him.

Morgan reached across the console, grabbing Reid into a tight hug. Reid latched onto him like a leech, holding him as tightly as he could.

He cried over Morgan’s shoulder for a short while. Luckily, he was not having as much of an emotional outburst as he had with Hotch a few nights ago. But Morgan didn’t complain at all, holding him tightly and offering kind, whispered words in his ear as he let himself breakdown in the arms of his brother.

After a few minutes, the tears had stopped, but Reid’s body was quaking like a leaf. It was a mix of adrenaline, caffeine, and a lack of food, as well as the damned cold which had seeped into the car over the last little while since Derrick had shut off the engine.

Morgan let go of him once he’d realized that the tears had stopped, but he still looked at him with concern.

“Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah, I’m better now. T-thank you D-derrick.” Reid said through chattering teeth.

“No, pretty boy, I know you’re still not ‘okay’ okay but you’re shaking a concerning amount…”

“I’m j-just c-cold. Its n-nothing.” Reid said, wrapping his flannel around himself tightly.

Morgan looked him up and down, unconvinced, but turned the car on. “Well, we should probably head back anyways, they’re probably wondering where we are. But really, kid, I want you to know that you can always talk to me about anything, okay?” Reid nodded, smiling a bit.

The heat kicked back on and Reid sighed in relief, putting his hands up to the vents.

“My god kid, your fingers are blue.” Reid looked at his fingers, noticing the tinge of blue coloration on the tips.

“Oh”

“God your lips are turning blue too,” he hit the heat, turning the air on full blast at the highest temperature setting, “I don’t want you to end up in the hospital from hypothermia.”

Reid nodded, leaning forwards into the heat.

The drive was short, once again, but Morgan insisted they stay in the car until Reid wasn’t shaking as violently. Once the color had returned to his face and hands, Morgan finally shut off the engine.

Reid stepped out of the car, immediately beginning to shiver once more at the cold air. The wind blew hard and it was snowing so heavily that he could barely see the lodge that they’d just parked out in front of.

It was like his whole field of view was just a white canvas.

The two of them quickly made their way inside, Reid trembling from the cold again. He shook his head, dislodging lots of snowflakes which had fallen in his hair. The team was currently huddled around the fire where they’d left them, still chatting with one another.

Morgan headed upstairs, but Reid stood by the door, taking off his now sopping wet flannel and hanging it on the coat rack. His hands had already begun turning blue again and his skin felt icy cold.

He rubbed his hands together, hoping to get some heat back to them, but to no avail.

Emily suddenly appeared in front of him, grabbing his hands. Hers felt almost hot on his frozen fingers, and she led him over towards the fireplace. She gently shoved him to a sitting position directly in front of the fire, taking a seat next to him. JJ appeared on his other side, silently sitting and smiling at him. The two of them leaned against him and he allowed himself to receive their comfort, as well as the body heat they were providing him.

Reid was still shivering, but luckily he felt like he was starting to defrost a bit in front of the fire. A minute later, Morgan reappeared, holding the heavy blanket that had seemingly appeared out of nowhere when Reid had awoken a few hours ago. He handed it to JJ, who immediately threw it atop Reid.

“T-thanks M-Morgan” Reid said through chattering teeth. He didn’t understand how he’d gotten so cold so quickly, yet Morgan was completely fine. Well, he did understand because the man actually had some muscle on his bones as opposed to being as scrawny as he was, and he’d been wearing a much heavier jacket… but no matter, he still didn’t like it.

The two women sat with him in silence for a while, allowing him to warm up and listening vaguely to the conversations happening behind them between Garcia, Rossi, Morgan, and Hotch.

“Hotch talked to us a little about what happened” Emily said suddenly, breaking their silence. Reid felt a weight lift off his chest as he realized he wouldn’t have to have the difficult conversation again with the team. He was sure that the man hadn’t included all the details, but he was glad that they might be more up to date with what’d been going on.

He nodded at this, unsure of what to say.

“I’m sure you’ve heard this a lot the past few days,” JJ started in a hushed voice, grabbing Reid’s still freezing palm, “but we’re here for you, and we love you.”

Reid smiled, looking at the two of them. “Thank you.” He said silently, voice catching a bit in his throat at their sincerity.

JJ seemed to notice the scars on his hand as she held it, but realization set upon her face rather than confusion. Hotch must’ve informed them about that too.

Part of Reid wanted to be angry or annoyed that the man had spilled the struggles he’d experienced the last few months. But instead, he found himself with much relief. It was weird, but he was glad that they knew, that he didn’t have to hide his struggles anymore.

And he was glad that they’d stayed to support him despite his issues.

He sat for a while, warming by the fire and between his two sisters. They chatted over him, talking about nothing in particular, just enjoying one another’s company.

Once he finally felt sufficiently warm, a little hot even, he realized that he needed something to eat. Reid clumsily stood up, leaving the blanket with the two women who stayed on the floor continuing their conversation.

Garcia and Morgan were chatting on the couch, laughing at something together. Rossi and Hotch were speaking next to the coffee machine. As Reid approached, the two quieted. He awkwardly smiled, moving towards the table sitting behind them that held a small amount of various foods.

Nothing looked incredibly tempting to him, he didn’t even really want to eat anything. However, his stomach was growling at him in desperation.

He grabbed a cold bagel and peanut butter, as well as a fresh cup of coffee. Reid took a seat at the table, beginning to rip the bagel up into smaller pieces.

“You look like you should eat more than that, kid.” Rossi said, sitting down next to Reid.

He looked up at the man, surprised that he was joining him.

“Oh, uh, no, I’m sure it’ll be enough.” He claimed, awkwardly smiling at the man.

“When we get back to DC, I’ll have everyone over to my mansion for dinner and stuff you full of pasta until you’re back to your normal self” Rossi gave a wink, leaning forward a bit, “and that’s a promise.”

Reid smiled at this, chuckling a bit. He had missed going to the team get togethers. He just hadn’t really been up for them recently; he could only fake a smile for so many hours of the day.

Plus, the more the team offered him their support and affection, the more he realized that he’d been wrong about them. It seemed like they really did want to help, and that maybe he wasn’t as big of a burden on them as he’d thought.

He sat with Rossi in a comfortable silence as he slowly consumed the bagel and his coffee. Reid was able to eat almost the entire bagel too, which was more than he’d consumed in quite a while.

The whole downstairs had fallen into a comfortable silence it seemed. There was no noise to be heard besides the howling of the wind outside and the crackling of the burning logs. Everyone was doing their own thing; reading, playing a computer game, napping, just hanging out together, contented.

Reid decided he wanted to grab a book from upstairs, so he tiptoed out of the lobby, trying not to disturb the silence.

He made it upstairs and into the hotel room quickly, grabbing his favorite book. When he turned around to head back downstairs, he had a slight heart attack.

“Shit!” Reid exclaimed, jumping when Garcia had seemingly appeared out of thin air in front of him. Before he could recover though, she threw her arms around him, bringing him into a tight hug.

He was stunned for a few moments, but soon returned it, hugging her back.

“Don’t you ever, ever, do that again Reid” her voice said, quiet and wavering with sadness.

“Penelope-”

“No, Spencer,” she said, pushing him away so that she could look into his eyes. Tears were already streaming down her cheeks, and she had a mix of anger, sadness, and concern on her face. “Don’t you ever think that you’re alone again. Don’t ever, EVER, think you and your problems are a burden. Derek told me what you told him, and I don’t know all the details but no matter what is happening in my life, you can ALWAYS reach out to me. I will always be there, I will always love and care about you and-” she choked on her words a bit, causing her to take a breath before continuing; “and I wouldn’t be able to live in a world without you in it. So please, please, don’t try… that… ever again. Please.”

Reid had tears in his eyes, brows scrunching together in sorrow and a bit of shame as Garcia pleaded with him. He nodded, at a loss for words at her touching statement.

He hugged her again, tighter this time. “I’m sorry” he whispered, but she shook her head.

“No, don’t apologize. Just promise me that, if nothing else, if you ever feel that desperately sad again, you’ll at least come to me before you-” her voice caught again, and she cried a little into his shirt.

Reid felt a tear drop down his face and he nodded into her shoulder.

“I promise.”

The two kept hugging a while before they separated. They took a few minutes to compose themselves before heading downstairs.

Stepping back into the lobby, they found everyone relaxing near one another, enjoying the rare calm that was settling around them. Reid sat down in one of the empty armchairs, opening his book.

He glanced around the room, feeling incredibly content for the first time in a long while. Looking around, he knew he was surrounded by people who loved and supported him unconditionally.

People who cared for him, and people who didn’t feel burdened by his issues.

Most importantly, he knew he was surrounded by people who felt like he was needed in this world.

He was surrounded by his family.

And for the first time since he’d been shot in the knee, Reid felt his heart warm with what he’d been missing for so long.

Hope.

Chapter Text

PT 6 ~ Coda

The blizzard had finally blown over and the team was going to leave town today. Reid was packing his bag with a smile on his face.

He could not wait to get back to the warmer environment of DC.

He also felt much better than he had in a long time, having finally opened up to the team. Part of himself was still mad that he’d not been strong enough to deal with it on his own, and he still felt all the pain and guilt and depression that had been plaguing him for the past few months.

But their power over him was dulled to an ache after he’d talked to his team, or rather his family.

He pulled on the heavy navy sweater that Rossi had lent him, relaxing into its warmth. It dangled off him as if he was a coat rack, but the man had insisted he wear it and, at this point, he wasn’t going to turn down any offers.

Reid strolled out of the room once he’d finished packing. They were supposed to leave for the docks in a few minutes, that way they could fly on the tiny boat back to Anchorage and then catch their jet to DC.

Walking downstairs, Reid spotted Hotch standing by the door. He was the only one downstairs. Either Reid was very late, or he’d beat everyone down.

Judging by how Hotch was glancing at his watch though, he guessed he was late.

Clenching his jaw, he rushed over, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

“Sorry, did everyone else already leave? I didn’t realize how long I was taking-”

“No, Reid. It’s okay, we’re gunna catch the second flight.”

Reid mentally facepalmed, realizing that the seven of them weren’t able to fit on the plane together anyways. There were only five passenger seats, so they would’ve had to split up anyways.

Luckily, the flight to the bigger city only took about twenty minutes, so they wouldn’t be too far behind everyone else.

He nodded at the man, who then turned around to head outside. Reid followed, hot on Hotch’s heels, wanting to get into the car as quickly as possible. Quickly, he threw his bag in the back and climbed in the passenger seat next to Hotch.

Hotch turned on the engine, allowing the heat to flow through the vents. Reid sighed in relief. His mind wandered once more to the idea of being out of the cold, and a small smile made its way on his face.

He’d not realized that he’d closed his eyes until Hotch’s hand landed on his shoulder. Reid’s eyes flew open and he flinched in surprise, but not enough to scare the man off.

“You okay?” Hotch asked with a sly smile on his face, a hint of amusement in his voice.

“Yeah, yeah, just…” Reid bit his lip, smiling a bit more, “ready to go home” he stated simply.

Hotch nodded, moving to put on his seatbelt. Reid did the same, watching as they backed away from the lodge.

What a crazy long few days it had been. It felt like they’d been there for like two weeks!

(Haha get it, because I posted part one to series this two weeks ago… haha… no? okay… it’s fine)

He stared out the window as they drove, taking in the beauty of Alaska. He would miss it, it was amazingly beautiful here, if not a little chilly for his taste. However, he could not wait to get home to his own bed and crash for a couple days.

They approached the docks, the drive only took a couple minutes since the town was so small, and Hotch threw the car in park.

The plane clearly had not returned yet, so they decided to stay in the heated car.

“So, Reid. How are you feeling?” Hotch started, looking pointedly at Reid. The man already had a glint of happiness in his eyes, knowing that the younger agent was doing much better than he had been before this case.

Reid smiled awkwardly, “Much better. I’m… I’m not back to normal…” he admitted somewhat hesitantly, “but… I’m better.” He looked up at Hotch.

Hotch patted Reid’s knee affectionately, “I know. It’ll take time, but you’ll get there.” Hotch leaned in slightly, “and we’ll help you get there.”

Reid nodded, biting his lip. It was still hard for him to accept it, but he knew that his team wanted to help him, and that they did genuinely want him around. He still didn’t fully understand it all, but he was grateful regardless.

He didn’t know how he’d been so lucky to get these teammates.

Yet there they were, insisting that they were there for him. Insisting that they loved him and wanted to help.

So, he should accept their help, right?

Hotch saw the bit of self-loathing creep its way back into Reid’s eyes and he frowned. He knew it would take time to convince the kid that they did love him and that he should like himself, but the extent of the damage was still to be determined.

He knew it was worse than it had ever been with how self-destructive Reid had been, as well as how emotional it had got him. But Hotch was starting to think that he’d only scratched the surface, and that the kid still hadn’t fully opened up.

Hotch watched Reid, seeing his eyes begin to brighten up again as he pulled himself out of his own mind. That was progress at least, and they’d work together to help save the youngest member of their family.

They had to.

The plane landed at the docks and the two agents made their way to the small floatplane. The flight was quick and easy. Luckily, they didn’t hit too much rough air and soon they were joining the rest of the team in their normal BAU jet.

JJ, Emily, and Rossi were sitting at the table, playing cards and Morgan and Garcia were sitting on the couch talking. They all looked up, smiling and welcoming the two as they entered the jet, and the pilot immediately began preparing for takeoff.

Reid threw his stuff down on the chair closest to the coffee machine, immediately making himself a cup. He hadn’t had any this morning and the caffeine headache was already setting in.

He was so focused on his coffee that he didn’t notice any of his team member’s glances and whispers, as they quietly discussed a plan.

“That’s a lotta sugar, kid.” Rossi commented, walking up next to Reid at the coffee counter.

Reid continued pouring sugar in his cup while simultaneously stirring, but he glanced up at the man with an awkward smile.

“Have any plans for tonight?”

Reid’s brows furrowed together, and he stopped pouring the sugar in confusion. “Huh?”

Rossi chuckled, “Plans, kid?”

“Oh… uh, no I g-guess not. I mean we’re getting in at like nine. I was just gunna go home and crash for a few… days…” Reid trailed off, unsure of what to say.

“Well, why don’t you come over to my place instead. I’m gunna invite the whole team, but I wanna make sure you’re going to be there before I ask everyone else.”

Reid’s brows shot up in surprise. Did Rossi really care if he was there that much? A flash of guilt passed through his body as he realized the amount of times, he’d turned down Rossi’s invites in the past few months. To be fair, it was so he could wallow in his own depression instead, but still, the guilt was there.

“Uh y-yeah I guess I can come if you really want me there-”

“Perfect, kid, we’ll swing by your place beforehand so that you can grab some clean clothes-”

“Clean clothes? But-”

“Sleepover at my mansion tonight, everyone!” Rossi announced to the team, turning around to leave Reid with his coffee.

There were some whoops of happiness and excitement, and the whole team seemed unsurprised by the declaration.

Reid looked over the group suspiciously, realizing that it was a set up, but a smirk found its way on his face and he simply returned to his coffee.

The flight was long, but relatively easy, all things considered. Reid reread a few books, played some cards, and finished up his paperwork on the case.

When his coffee wore off and the sun set outside their windows Reid took a nap on the couch. By the time Reid awoke, they’d landed in DC.

Stepping out of the plane, Reid rubbed the fatigue out of his eyes. He smiled as he realized that it was much warmer out, and he didn’t immediately begin getting hypothermia when he stepped foot outside.

He lazily made his way towards one of the vehicles, suppressing a yawn as he climbed in. Hotch was in the driver’s seat and Morgan was next to him. JJ was in the back with him and the other three had taken the other vehicle.

Reid was beginning to think that maybe he’d back out of this whole ‘sleepover at Rossi’s’ idea, as he just wanted to sleep now, but then again, Rossi would probably be making pasta…

He shook his head at himself. He’d made the commitment, so he would go over to the man’s place. It wouldn’t be so bad. Reid would be surrounded by his family and maybe, just maybe, he’d be free of nightmares tonight.

As much as he hated to admit it, he was incredibly tough-starved, but somehow, whenever he was around his team, they’d fend off the nightmares and he’d sleep better. Curling up on Hotch’s chest the last few days had been the best sleep he’d received in months, and he’s missed the affectionate gestures that he’d been flinching away from.

They each made a pit stop at their own homes, running in to grab some fresh clothing.

Reid’s apartment was last, since he lived closest to Rossi. He insisted that he go upstairs on his own, but all three of the others wanted to accompany him. Reid’s heart began beating rapidly as he remembered the state of his apartment.

It was completely disorganized, his clothing everywhere and dishes all over the kitchen. Despite the messiness, he was out of food and essentially only had coffee, and his bedroom was even more of a mess. His books had been sprawled everywhere as well and he couldn’t even think about his bathroom…

“Really, guys, I’m just grabbing clothing. There is no reason to come in with me.”

The three exchanged looks and seemed to have a silent conversation. They nodded and JJ turned to Reid.

“Okay, just me then.”

Reid rolled his eyes, “come on, JJ-”

“Spence, this is not negotiable. One of us is going up with you.” JJ pulled out her mom voice and Reid hung his head.

He wasn’t getting out of this.

“Ugh… okay, fine. But this is unnecessary.” Reid said, slightly bitter as he stepped out of the car. He was feigning anger, but really, he felt panic. This was not good. He did not want JJ seeing his apartment.

The two made their way upstairs. Reid wanted to race her up and beat her before she got to the top of the stairs so he could slip into his apartment before her. However, his still healing knee protested that idea, and she ended up waiting for him at the landing.

Reid nervously bit his lip, pulling the key out of his go-bag and inserting it into the lock. He turned it, unlocking the door, but hesitated to open it.

“JJ, please just stay out here.” He pleaded, but it was no use.

JJ looked at him very seriously, “Spence, it’s okay.” She stated simply. Then, she pushed the door open.

Reid cringed at the sight of his place; it was in even more disarray than he remembered it. He was sure JJ was horrified, but he chose to race to his bedroom as quickly as possible so they could get out of here.

He quickly emptied his go-bag into the laundry pile in his closet and grabbed a few clean, warm clothing items. He also shoved his heavy blanket in his bag, knowing that he’d probably want as many blankets as possible to sleep with tonight.

When he stepped out of his room, he found JJ staring in horror at the bathroom.

Shit.

“JJ-”

“Spencer… oh my god.” She whispered, clearly at a loss for words.

He’d kind of cleaned it up since the night he’d smashed his hand, but there was still glass all over the place. He’d managed to sweep the glass under the sink, where he wouldn’t step on it, but it was still visible and very bloody. Plus, the remnants of the broken mirror which hadn’t fallen still remained, also stained with his blood.

“Yeah… uhhh… I’m ready to go…?”

JJ launched herself at Reid, hugging him as tightly as she could. Reid reeled in shock for a few seconds before wrapping his own arms around her.

“I’m so sorry that I didn’t come over, Spencer. Hotch told me that it was after the Dante case and I knew you weren’t handling it well, but I didn’t think… I didn’t… I’m so sorry, Spence. It wasn’t your fault, you didn’t deserve this, you didn’t deserve any sort of punishment.” She looked up at him, placing her hand on his cheek, “You didn’t need to punish yourself this way. You didn’t deserve that.”

Reid swallowed a lump in his throat. Guilt from the incident was creeping back into his mind, but now he mostly felt shame that JJ was seeing what he’d done. He dipped his head, allowing his long hair to cover his face.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, Spencer,” she brushed the hair away from his face, “it’s okay. You’re going to be okay. We’re going to help you be okay again.”

Reid nodded into her hand, pulling her back into a hug. They stood for a few minutes like that, silent, arm in arm, embracing one another. JJ thankful that Reid was still there, alive, and Reid grateful that she cared so much.

That she wanted to help.

That they all wanted to help.

When they eventually made their way back downstairs, Hotch and Morgan were patiently waiting in the car, and no comment was made about how long they’d been upstairs. Instead, they simply pulled out of the parking lot and began heading towards Rossi’s.

They arrived at Rossi’s a few minutes later. They swiftly parked the car and made their way inside where Rossi, Garcia, and Prentiss were waiting for them.

Rossi was already almost done cooking, and Prentiss and Garcia were already three glasses of wine deep.

They joined in with the group’s laughter, talking about lighter things outside of their job. They were able to have a normal conversation, a happy conversation as a group. As if they didn’t hunt down monsters for a living and witness real nightmares every day.

And it was pleasant.

The team ate Rossi’s pasta together and enjoyed one another’s company. Prentiss, JJ, and Garcia were very drunk and ended up singing karaoke on Rossi’s tv and even Hotch laughed along at their antics. Morgan insisted he and Garcia do a round together, which included him giving her a piggy-back ride halfway through.

There was lots of dancing and laughing and joy.

Overall, it was a good night, and Reid was very happy he’d joined them.

As the night wound down, the three girls very quickly passed out on the floor, along with Derek who was being spooned very aggressively by Garcia. Rossi threw some pillows and blankets on the ground for them, which were only partially being used.

Reid smiled as he gazed at them, and he felt content. He sat on the couch, sipping on his lemonade and felt genuinely relaxed and happy. Hotch and Rossi soon joined him, Hotch sitting directly next to him and Rossi taking a seat in the reclining chair next to them.

The two men spoke softly to one another about nothing in particular, but Reid found himself beginning to fight off yawns. His eyes were beginning to feel heavy and he wasn’t really paying attention to the conversation anymore.

Before he processed what was happening, Hotch grabbed him, pulling him onto his chest and laying down along the couch.

Reid was too tired to really even process a reaction. If he’d been more awake, maybe he would’ve fought it more, but instead he simply leaned against his protector, closing his eyes. He felt a familiar weight cover his body as Rossi draped his heavy blanket over their bodies and he sighed in contentment.

Hotch and Rossi continued whispering, but soon their whispers were nothing more than background noise as Reid began dropping off to sleep.

Right before he lost complete consciousness, he felt a small peck on his head, as if someone had kissed his forehead softly. He’d only remembered that happening one other time in his life; when he’d been very young, and his mother would kiss him goodnight.

“Love you.” Reid stated softly as his automatic response.

There was a brief pause of silence before a voice responded, “I love you too, Spencer.”

Reid smiled, snuggling closer to the warm body he was leaning against, and he drifted off to sleep, happy.

Chapter Text

S6 EXTRA

“Put the weapons down!”

“NO!” The unsub shouted, pointing his weapon at Morgan.

The agent was getting real pissed off, that much was clear to Reid. The unsub had one gun trained on his victim, and another gun pointed at Morgan. He was rotating pointing it towards Prentiss and Reid as well though, unsure of who was the biggest threat.

Little did he know that any of them could shoot him down in one shot.

They were currently standing on a hillside in a forest in the middle of nowhere Wyoming.

This unsub had been getting away with abducting female college students and bringing them out in the woods to kill. It had taken them a while, but they’d eventually manage to pin him down and follow him out here.

Now they just needed to get him to comply so that the woman who was sobbing on the ground would not be his last victim.

Reid cleared his throat, “Hey,” he said quietly, holding his gun up to show that he was going to put it away, “I’m holstering my weapon,” Reid inserted the gun back in his holster, slowly raising his arms. “No one else needs to get hurt. Just put down your weapon and this can all be over.”

He began slowly walking towards the unsub, who now had his gun pointed square at Reid.

The man’s arm was wavering; he was trying to decide what his best move was. Despite Reid putting his weapon away, Prentiss and Morgan still had their guns aimed at him.

They stood in silence for a few seconds before the man’s choice was made.

Wrong choice.

A few loud bangs rang out in the forest, at least four or five shots were fired. Reid felt his body thrown backwards.

The back of his head slammed against the ground and his left shoulder rung with agony as it bounced off something hard. Reid must’ve blacked out for a moment, because when he was aware once more, he’d and landed a few feet to the right of where he’d initially fallen. There must have been too much momentum and his body rolled a bit.

Pain filled his body in many different places. The back of his head stung, and his left shoulder ached, but the most agony was radiating from his stomach. It felt like he couldn’t breathe.

When he attempted to take a breath, he found himself coughing for what felt like forever. It wasn’t until he’d partially caught his breath that he realized Prentiss was leaning over him.

Her face swam in his vision for a few moments before it seemed to clear, and his hearing seemed to return to him quickly.

“-eid! Reid! Can you hear me?!”

He flinched away from her voice, nodding. He was still catching his breath and didn’t to risk speaking.

Prentiss smiled at him, shaking her head. “You dumbass, what the hell did you think was gunna happen?” she placed her hand gently on his chest, where his Kevlar was, thankfully, protecting his body. “You’re lucky that unsub was a shitty shot.”

Reid glanced down at his chest as much as he could from his awkward angle. There were two bullets stuck in the Kevlar, one right in the center of his sternum and one in the middle of his right ribcage.

He let his head fall back to the ground, cringing when the wound collided with the ground again. No wonder it hurt so much to breathe. Kevlar was a wonder for stopping bullets, but the energy still had to go somewhere, and, for Reid, it went into cracking most of his ribs.

“Is the… girl… ‘kay?” Reid asked breathily. Prentiss nodded, looking over Reid towards where he guessed the girl and Morgan were.

Reid nodded slightly at himself, closing his eyes. He’d done his job. Thankfully, besides the unsub, he was the only one who’d been injured.

He’d call that a win.

They sat there for a few minutes, Prentiss allowing Reid to somewhat catch his breath while Morgan made sure the woman was okay.

It wasn’t until he heard Morgan’s voice that he reopened his eyes once more.

“Pretty boy” Morgan said from seemingly far away.

Reid opened his eyes sluggishly, blinking to clear his vision. He saw Prentiss staring down at him, some concern written on her face, before he turned his head towards where Morgan’s voice had emanated from. When he spotted the man, he saw him standing, holding up the woman. They looked like they were ready to move, Reid was not.

“Time to go, kid. Gotta get back to the car so we can call an ambulance and get the two of you checked out.”

“’m fine”

“Uh huh, I’m sure you are.” Prentiss stated. “Come on, Spencer, let’s get you up.”

Prentiss slid her hand under his shoulder to help him sit up but, before he could stop himself, Reid immediately cried out in pain. His eyes slammed shut as the waves of agony coursed through his body at his shoulder being jostled. She quickly retracted her hand, looking down at Reid in confusion.

“Um, last I checked you didn’t get shot in the shoulder, what the hell happened?” Reid said nothing, simply clenching his teeth together in an attempt to control the pain. “Morgan, go on to the car and call the team and an ambulance. We’ll be over as soon as we can.”

Reid heard the Velcro of his vest begin to be ripped off as Prentiss began stripping him down. He hated that she was doing it, and wanted to resist more, but he knew she was just trying to help. She needed to see how bad the damage was on his body before they moved him.

And based off how much pain Reid was feeling, it must be pretty bad.

Prentiss slid the vest out from under him and began undoing his button-down. Based on her gasp, he’d guess that his chest was probably a mess. She quickly moved on though, delicately sliding his left arm out of the sleeve.

Reid kept his eyes closed, partially out of embarrassment, but mostly out of pain. He was certain that if he opened his eyes to look at the damage, as much as he wanted to, he might pass out.

Though, that might not be such a bad idea.

“Ah shit Reid, I think your shoulder’s dislocated.”

He cracked his eyes open, staring at Prentiss with a look that said ‘dear god, why me’.

Reid closed his eyes, clenching his jaw. “Do it.”

“Reid…”

“Emily I know you can relocate shoulders; I’ve seen you do it before. Just get it over with, please.”

He heard her take a large breath, as if she was debating what the correct move was. After a few moments though, she made her decision.

“Okay.”

Prentiss shuffled around a bit before starting.

“Open up,” Reid’s eyes shot open in confusion only to see Prentiss holding her belt out near his mouth. He looked at her in confusion, but she simply replied; “don’t want you to bite off your tongue.”

Reid’s jaw tightened against the leather of her belt in anticipation. He knew this was going to hurt a lot; it wasn’t the first time he’d dislocated a joint. But they might as well get it out of the way now.

Prentiss got into position, placing her hands against his bone and joint, getting ready to set it.

“Okay, on three… one-”

Reid screamed in agony, biting down as hard as he could on the belt. His eyes slammed shut and his consciousness wavered. His back arched off the ground and his right hand immediately shot to his left shoulder, holding it in pain. He felt tears prick the corners of his eyes and was breathing heavily. Reid managed to stay conscious, but only barely as his whole body seemed to react to the pain.

After a few minutes, the pain began to subside, but it still seemed to echo through his body. Prentiss must’ve moved, because she was lifting his head into her lap now, cradling him as he tried to recover from the pain. She removed the belt from his mouth, and he was certain he must’ve left teeth marks in it from how hard he’d bit down.

It was good that she’d thought of that, he probably would’ve bitten his tongue off.

When the pain had subsided to a dull ache, Reid opened his eyes half lidded, glancing at the woman who was sitting over him. She reacted immediately, smiling at him.

“You with me?”

Reid nodded sluggishly. Truthfully, he just wanted to let himself pass out. He knew Prentiss could probably carry him easily, but if he did that he’d probably wind up in the hospital. It he stayed awake; he might be able to avoid it.

“Why don’t we get you out of here. Sound good?”

Reid nodded, agreeing with her once more. He was going to ask her to button his shirt back up, only to find that she’d already done that. He nodded once more, indicating that he was ready to go.

Prentiss moved to his right side in order to avoid touching his tender shoulder. She placed her hands on his back, helping him sit up.

It was a long and tedious process. Reid struggled to breath and his bruised chest protested every movement, but, eventually, he was sitting upright.

Well, it was more of a slouching position, and he was heavily leaning against Prentiss, but it counted.

She lifted his good arm over her shoulders and placed her arm around his waist. Then, as gently as she could, Prentiss managed to lift Reid into somewhat of a standing position. Much of his weight was against her, and he was breathing heavily, but he was mostly upright.

Reid was already exhausted just from standing. His chest was panging with agony and his head pounded. He was holding his left arm as rigidly as he could against his body to keep it from jostling around and found himself leaning more and more against Prentiss.

The two made very slow progress to the car. They hadn’t parked very far away but, at the rate they were going, they may as well be a few miles out.

When they did eventually get in sight of the cars, Morgan immediately rushed over, helping them drag Reid the rest of the distance.

Reid thought he heard the man say something about the ambulance being on its way, but at this point he was too out of it to fully process the words.

When they got to the car, Prentiss opened the front door and Morgan swiftly picked Reid up, depositing him in the front seat.

He let his eyes close, still keeping his left arm braced against his body. It would probably need to be put in a sling for a while, but hopefully it wouldn’t need any physical therapy. He’s definitely cracked some ribs, and his sternum was probably purple, but it didn’t feel like anything had broken. And, while the back of his head ached, he didn’t think he’d gotten a concussion.

All in all, Reid concluded that it has been worth it to save the victim and prevent his teammates from getting injured.

He didn’t quite pass out, but his body did seem to shut itself down for a little while because the next thing he knew, the ambulances, as well as the rest of their team had arrived.

Reid vaguely heard commotion and he was quickly jolted back to consciousness when Morgan lifted him out of the vehicle again. His arm rang with pain as it moved unintentionally and he gritted his teeth, focusing only on the agony.

By the time he came back to himself, Reid realized he was sitting on the edge of an ambulance, Prentiss holding him upright. His shirt had been taken off in order to examine his wounds and he was thankful that it wasn’t cold out today.

He vaguely processed the EMTs wrapping up his ribs, and a coldness on the back of his neck. But he really didn’t become fully aware until they began prodding his shoulder.

At the first touch his eyes shot open and he flinched away.

“Hey Spencer, you with us again?” Prentiss asked gently.

He nodded, gritting his teeth at the wave of pain traveling down his arm.

“They need to make sure I set your shoulder properly before they put it in a sling, alright? I’m sorry, I know it hurts.”

Reid took as deep of a breath as he could, nodding at Prentiss’s statement.

The EMTs again began poking and prodding at Reid’s tender shoulder, and it took all of his strength to not cry out or flinch away. Luckily, it only took a few minutes before they declared that it was set correctly, though it seemed like hours to Reid.

They gently placed his arm in a sling, giving Prentiss a second icepack for his shoulder, and left him be. He immediately felt relief as she placed the icepack on his shoulder, leaning towards the touch.

He was thankful that they weren’t taking him to a hospital. Reid wasn’t sure he had the energy to fight them on it at the moment, so he was glad he didn’t have to. One of the team probably said something to them, encouraging the medical team that he’d be in good hands.

When the icepacks were no longer frozen, Emily removed them, placing them on the bed of the truck they were sitting in.

Reid opened his eyes, gazing down at himself. He couldn’t see much since they’d wrapped his chest with so much gauze, but the little skin he could see was a dark purple color.

He glanced towards his shoulder, which was not covered in gauze. It was visibly swollen, and also partially bruised as well. It hung limp in the sling they’d given him, and Reid felt a bit nauseated just looking at it.

For the first time since he’d been placed in the ambulance, Reid looked up at the scene before him.

The unsub’s body was being placed in a black bag. Prentiss and Morgan both fired a few shots at the man, so Reid wasn’t surprised that they’d been true to their target.

The woman who’d been his victim was currently talking to her mother in the other ambulance. He watched as they closed the doors and began speeding off towards the hospital. Hotch, Morgan, Rossi, and JJ were all standing in a circle, speaking to one another. They all kept sending concerned looks towards Reid, which was unsurprising.

Prentiss gently rubbed Reid’s back, bringing him back to himself. He glanced towards her, exhaustion beginning to fill his features.

“Ready to get out of here?”

Reid nodded, stifling a yawn. Prentiss quickly stood up and moved in front of Reid.

He slowly scooted off the edge of the ambulance until his feet dropped to the ground. His knees almost immediately buckled, but luckily the agent’s arms were already around him, holding him up while somehow avoiding his injuries.

The team must’ve seen him because Morgan was at his side in an instant, helping Prentiss stabilize him.

“Sure he doesn’t need the hospital?”

“Morgan, you know he’d hate that.”

“’m alright” Reid breathily stated, staring down at the ground. It seemed to be swimming in his vision, but luckily it was becoming more stabilized by the minute.

“Kid, you’re about to collapse.”

“Morgan,” Hotch’s voice pierced through the bickering. He paused for a moment, seemingly thinking about his decision. “Just help Prentiss get Reid to the car. He’ll be okay.”

Morgan scoffed, but gently started leading Reid forwards with Prentiss. Just like earlier, it felt more like they were dragging him than he was walking along with them. Once again, Morgan managed to swiftly deposit him in the car, this time in the back seat.

Prentiss loaded in the other side, sitting in the middle seat to keep a hand on Reid. His eyes shut on their own accord, exhaustion taking over his body.

“Kid can barely keep his eyes open, Hotch! Did you see his chest when they unbuttoned his shirt? He should be at the hospital!”

“Morgan, you and I both know how Reid hates hospitals. He’s got nothing life threatening, the EMTs cleared him, and this way we can head back to DC. He just endured a lot of pain and he’s just tired, let him rest.”

There was a pause before an annoyed “fine” rang out from Morgan.

When the vehicle started moving, Reid felt himself being lulled to sleep. His head slowly slumped onto Prentiss’s shoulder and the pain he felt began to numb as he dropped out of consciousness.

The next thing he knew, someone was lifting him out of the car. He was barely conscious, not even able to open his eyes. He was quickly sat down on a couch; head being deposited into someone’s lap.

From the way their hand gently played with his curls, he knew it was Emily.

He wanted to thank Emily for staying by his side the past few hours, for keeping him upright while they bandaged him up, for dragging him back to the SUVs. He wanted to thank Morgan for carrying him multiple times and being worried about him. He wanted to thank Hotch for letting him stay out of the hospital.

He wanted to thank them all for being there for him.

But, instead, Reid simply drifted off into a deep sleep. Because he knew that he didn’t have to thank them; they already knew how grateful he was to have them as his family.

Chapter Text

S6 EXTRA 2

PT 1

Reid had learned his lesson while they were in Alaska. After feeling as though he were slowly freezing to death every day of that trip, he’d thrown lots of heavy layers in his go-bag, as well as an extra blanket.

He was not going to go through that shit show again.

So, when they’d gotten a case in Minnesota in the middle of winter, he actually felt relatively prepared for the trip.

The town was tiny, there was one school, a very small police station, and apparently their hospital was more of a small house that provided the only medical option for the town.

Despite the weather being in single digits when they landed, Reid felt relatively comfortable in the amount of clothing he’d worn.

He had a heavy sweater on over a flannel shirt, which was over a long sleeve thermal. And over all that, he wore a long black coat. He’d also brought a hat and gloves. Sure, he looked like a toddler waddling out into the snow, but at least he wasn’t shivering.

They’d jumped right into the case, Rossi and he heading to the latest crime scene. When they got out of the car, they were immediately blasted with a cold gust of air. Luckily, Reid pulled on a scarf and was able to stay focused on their case.

The unsub was dumping dismembered bodies in lakes. At the moment, it was unclear what the cause of death was, but there was a lot to unpack with the scene they were staring at.

Reid bent down, looking at the different body pieces that had been found. Each limb had been unattached from the torso and disconnected at each joint. They were still missing her left forearm, right foot, and right thigh, but the rest of the body had been gathered from the lake.

“Cuts are clean, precise, like he knew what he was doing.” Rossi stated.

“No hesitation,” Reid commented, leaning in towards the body even more so, “he’s probably done this before.”

“I would say medical experience but considering how many people out here hunt and fish, we could just have a very skilled huntsman on our hands.”

“Yeah, and that doesn’t rule out anyone.” Reid tilted his head in confusion as he noticed a mark behind the girl’s ear. With a gloved hand, he carefully moved the head to get a better view of the mark. “Rossi look at this,” he moved so the man could see it too.

There was a roman numeral that read “VII” branded behind her ear. It was small, Reid would’ve missed it had he been further away.

“Seven” Reid stated aloud. He and Rossi exchanged worried glances. This was clearly not the unsub’s first kill; this clearly went much deeper than the local police had even expected.

The two made their way to the station to meet up with the rest of the team. Morgan and Prentiss had gone to the morgue, looking at the first two bodies that had been discovered. The ME had noticed a “II” branded behind one woman’s ear, and a “IV” behind the other. This confirmed the suspicion that the unsub was numbering his kill.

That meant there were still at least four other dismembered bodies in that lake waiting to be uncovered.

A large amount of the police force, as well as most of the team, headed back to the lake to help look for more bodies.

Reid, on the other hand, stayed at the now empty station, working on a geographical profile. He quickly fell into his rhythm, coloring all over the map to try and narrow down the unsub’s location.
The lake was his dumping grounds, but that seemed to be the only consistent thing about him. The women who’d been found had finally been identified via their dental records, and they were from all over the state.

All three had been reported missing, but the places they were last seen were way out of the local police’s jurisdiction. It was no wonder no one had connected the cases; everyone knew police forces didn’t often communicate with one another.

One girl was last sighted around 150 miles north of the small city they were in. Another was from about 30 miles west and the third from 70 miles east.

The area was way too large; this unsub was going way out of his way to abduct women. And with the one woman having been 150 miles out, that meant his hunting ground was at least 70,686 square miles.

That was almost the size of the entire state, and it could be even more.

Reid’s guess was that he’d abduct them, then bring them back to this town, which was where he lived, and then dump them in the river, but there was a lot of uncertainty.

Overall, Reid didn’t accomplish much while plotting the geographical profile, and he felt fairly defeated by the time the team got back from the lake.

The team gathered, discussing the profile. There wasn’t much they could say about the unsub to narrow down who it could be.

He was clearly organized and confident, and he had a lot of experience either hunting or in the medical field. He was probably white, judging by the fact that all his victims were as well, and in his mid to late thirties. He had a job and a life that allowed him to travel relatively far away and this lake clearly had some importance to him. He was probably relatively tall and strong, since he easily overpowered the women, and his attacks didn’t seem to be random.

While these were all important points, the sheriff pointed out that they just described most of the men in town. It was a large fishing town, so most of the people fished or hunted as their job. This would allow for trips around the state fairly frequently, and no one would think it suspicious at all.

By the time the loose profile had been delivered, it was already night, and Hotch wanted everyone to pack it in for the night.

Reid was frustrated with himself, as well as the unsub. It felt like the only thing they’d accomplished today was finding out that this man was a more prolific murderer than they’d realized when they’d first arrived.

The ME had informed them that victim “II” had died about a month and a half ago, but it still didn’t tell them much. It was still not clear how they died.

The team split up at the hotel, going into their designated rooms. Everyone looked exhausted, ready to get some much-needed sleep. but despite what Hotch had said about them needed rest, Reid couldn’t get himself to stop thinking.

Reid paced around his room, running through all the information they had. But he was coming up completely empty. Frustrated, he let out a sigh, falling down onto the bed in his room.

He rubbed his palms into his eye sockets, willing himself to wake up. There had to be something he could do, anything he could figure out so that they could nail this guy before he killed again.

Exasperated, Reid sat up, glancing out the window. Maybe a walk would clear his head.

It had been a while since his last midnight stroll, having gotten back into a relatively normal sleep schedule since the Alaska fiasco. But something pulled him outside, he felt like maybe if he got outside, he’d figure something out.

He threw on his coat, swiftly walking out his hotel room.

Reid walked out into the night, surprised at how quiet it was. The cold wind quickly numbed his face, but he didn’t bother going back for his scarf. He quickly began walking down the road, away from the lights of the small town.

He wasn’t sure where he was going, but his body seemed to be leading him somewhere. The dark seemed to blur together until, suddenly, Reid found himself standing at the very same lake where they’d found the victim’s bodies.

He didn’t know why, but he felt drawn towards the ice. It was thick enough that people could drive their cars out on the lake to fish. They’d seen plenty of that during the day, people’s cars sitting next to small huts where fishermen sat. The huts would be built right on the ice and broken down once they finish for the day. They’d drill large holes into the ice in order to reach the fish, in fact that’s how they’d gotten the bodies out of the lake.

Reid’s head snapped up in realization. That’s how the man had been able to dump the body pieces, he was able to do it in plain sight. Dumping body parts through an ice hole would be easy because it was concealed by the hut, and no one would question him.

Glancing out over the lake, he noticed something strange though. There was a hut out there, and there was a light emanating from it. No one fished at night around here, the sheriff had mentioned that earlier. So, what was someone doing out here at night?

Reid quickly whipped out his phone, calling Hotch. After a few rings, the man answered, exhaustion seeping through his voice.

“Hotchner.”

“Hotch, I… I think I found the unsub.”

“Reid, where the hell are you?!” There was urgency in his voice, but Reid didn’t feel worried, just simply intrigued.

“It’s like Israel Keyes did once, he’s dumping the bodies through a hole in the ice, pretending to be a fisherman…” Reid stepped onto the ice, testing how solid it was. It was clearly fairly thick, safe enough for him to walk on. He took another step, then another, making his way towards the hut slowly.

“REID WHERE ARE YOU-”

“But why would he do it at night, he’d be concealed during the day?” he wondered aloud, more talking to himself than Hotch.

“REID DO NOT APPROACH HIM, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU”

Reid suddenly heard a scream and he froze in his tracks.

“REID WHAT WAS THAT?”

“She… she’s still alive.” His heart began pounding rapidly. He could still save her. “Hotch, she’s still alive!” Reid quickly shoved his phone into his pocket, not bothering to hang it up, and began sprinting as fast as he could on ice towards the hut.

He was thankful that he’d still had his holster on him and, quickly, he pulled out his gun. He almost slipped a few times, but luckily, he actually had some traction on his shoes, so he managed to keep his balance. As he approached, the sounds of struggle became louder and louder.

It was no wonder he did this at night, he killed them right there on the lake, something they didn’t even consider. If he did it during the day, other fisherman would definitely notice.

The hut that the man had set up was not very large, he was going to have to be very careful with how he approached this.

Reid slowed down once he was close to the door. He walked as quietly as he could, sneaking up to the door.

The girl was sporadically screaming through a gag of some sort, he wasn’t sure what the unsub was doing but, clearly, he didn’t have a lot of time. Taking a deep breath, Reid held up his gun with one hand, getting ready to swing the door open with the other.

He nodded to himself. He could do this, he had to do this, they couldn’t afford to let this man get away with murdering another innocent woman.

Reid opened the door, stepping inside quickly. His other hand swung up, helping stabilize his gun.

“FBI put your hands in the air!”

The unsub froze for a second, but quickly positioned the knife he was holding against the woman’s throat. She was tied to a chair, duct tape over her mouth.

The unsub was very tall and large, a beard taking up his face with long, unruly hair. He had a wild look in his eyes, annoyed that he’d been interrupted.

To his right was a very large hole cut in the ice.

“Drop the weapon and put your hands in the air!” Reid stated confidently.

“Or what? You’ll shoot me and let me slice her throat?” The unsub asked maniacally. “No, you wouldn’t want an eighth body on your hands, so you’ll do what I tell you.”

“If you do anything to her, I will shoot you.”

“But if I surrender, I’m going to jail forever, and that’s something I can’t afford to do”

“If you comply the court won’t punish you as harshly”

“Sorry kid, no can do.”

The unsub began moving his hand, but Reid fired off a shot before he could hurt the girl. The unsub thudded to the ground, dropping the knife without injuring the woman.

Reid quickly rushed forwards, undoing the duct tape and helping her out of the chair. He glanced at the unmoving unsub, who’s blood was pooling beneath his body.

He wouldn’t be hurting anyone else ever again.

Reid helped quickly walk the girl out of the hut, relieved to see police vehicles driving over the ice towards where they were. Their headlights shined on them and Reid waved an arm, signaling them that they were there.

Suddenly, the hairs on the back of Reid’s neck stood up, and he found himself shoving the girl away from him as an arm wrapped around his neck.

“If I’m not getting out of here, neither are you.”

Even with a bullet wound, the man was able to easily overpower Reid. He began dragging Reid backwards, towards the hut.

Reid dug his heels into the ice, attempting to slow the man down, but he simply didn’t have enough strength. He tried fighting against his arm, but the man probably had over a hundred pounds of muscle on Reid, as well as almost a foot in height. He was too strong.

The police cars, as well as the familiar SUV pulled up right as the unsub dragged Reid into the hut, out of sight. He heard car doors slamming, as well as the yells of his teammates.

But it seemed like it was too late. The unsub jumped into the hole he’d drilled through the ice, pulling Reid down with him.

All the breath left Reid’s body the instant he felt the water’s temperature. It was shockingly cold, and it quickly seeped through all his layers of clothing.

He struggled against the man once more, kicking as hard as he possibly could towards air, but it was no use. The man had an incredibly tight hold on him, and they were sinking rapidly.

His eyes were open underwater, looking blurrily towards the surface which was getting further and further away.

The fight quickly drained out of his body as everything began to tingle. His lungs burned from lack of oxygen, but when he instinctually took a breath, the freezing water filling them.

The unsub’s grip loosened on him completely, but Reid didn’t have the power to push himself back towards the surface. They were too far down, there was no way he’d make it in time.

At least he’d been able to save the girl.

At least it had been him that the unsub dragged down instead of one of his teammates.

He watched as a shadow appeared in the water above him, moving closer and closer towards him. He wasn’t sure what it was, but it seemed determined to reach him.

The tingling feeling he’d had all over his body was retreating to total numbness. He couldn’t feel anything anymore and he knew that this was it.

Despite the urgent movement of the shadow above him, Reid succumbed to the cold water, allowing his eyes to fall shut.

Darkness took over and Reid let go.

~

Suddenly Reid was sputtering water out of his lungs. He coughed and coughed, feeling liquid slosh out of his system.

He felt incredibly weak and disoriented, barely conscious. He knew he was on his side from the way one side of his face was smushed on the ground, but his whole body felt numb and tingly.

He knew that he should feel cold, but he didn’t. In fact, he wasn’t even shivering. In the back of his mind, Reid knew that was bad, but he was too out of it to even process what was going on.

~

Reid must’ve lost consciousness, because the next thing he was vaguely aware of was that he was moving. He felt a heavy weight on top of him, and something was brushing the hair across his forehead.

However, he couldn’t move, his muscles weren’t responding to his brain, and he was lost to darkness again.

~

When darkness subsided once more, Reid was violently shivering. His muscled ached from the uncontrollable movement. He felt his teeth clacking together rapidly.

He dragged open his eyes to slits, only seeing a dark celling. Confused, he tried to move, but only then did he realize that someone was holding him. In fact, it felt like multiple people might be holding him.

Their arms were wrapped around him tightly, keeping him in place, and their bodies radiated the warmth which his lacked.

He lethargically blinked, willing his body to stop shivering of its own accord, but he couldn’t control it. His muscles were exhausted, but his body was trying to desperately to generate heat that he couldn’t stop the shaking.

Reid’s hearing slowly began returning to him, and he began hearing soft voices around him. An accidental whimper emitted from his mouth and the voices stopped. Bodies began shifting around him and a few familiar shapes appeared in his view.

Prentiss and Morgan stared down at him, both appearing relieved that he was awake.

“Hey kid, you with us?” Morgan asked, though his voice sounded far away.

Reid couldn’t reply, his jaw clacking together too rapidly for his voice to even work. He nodded slightly, but he wasn’t sure if they’d even be able to discern the gesture with how hard he was shivering.

Apparently, they could, because they shared a look of relief in finding out that he was at least partially coherent.

“We need you to try and drink some broth, okay?” Emily stated as Morgan stood up to retrieve it. “It’ll hopefully help warm you up a little faster.”

Reid nodded again, letting his eyelids fall closed. He felt utterly miserable. He had a pounding headache, along with the full body exhaustion from all the shivering, and he truly just wanted to pass out once more.

But Emily gently shook him, willing him to stay awake. He dragged his eyes open again, blearily looking at her.

“Come on, let’s sit you up.” She grabbed hold of his quivering body, which was wrapped in many layers of blankets, and pulled him to a somewhat upright position. He would’ve fallen right off the bed if she hadn’t wrapped her arms around him, holding him against her chest.

Once he was upright, he noticed that they were in one of the hotel rooms. His brows furrowed in confusion; shouldn’t he be at a hospital?

Then his memory returned. The town they were in didn’t even have a hospital, and with how long he’d been in that freezing cold water, he’d guess that they didn’t have enough time to drive him to the closest hospital while keeping him alive.

They were trying to warm him up themselves.

Morgan reappeared in his vision, carrying a cup. He sat down in front of Reid, holding the cup full of steaming broth.

Reid was going to try and grab the cup, but his arms were trapped below the blanket bundle. Plus, it would probably splash everywhere if he even attempted holding it.

Morgan held the cup to his lips, and Reid attempted drinking the warm liquid. He felt immediate relief at the heat, feeling the warmth pool in his stomach. He wasn’t able to take very big sips, but after a while, he managed to get the liquid down.

Though Reid was still wracked with shivers, they’d definitely calmed down some, and he knew his core temperature had risen some.

A few minutes after Reid had ingested the broth, he began to drift. However, before he could fully fall asleep, Morgan took out a thermometer, gently placing it under his tongue. When it beeped, he looked relieved, if not still a little worried. Reid closed his eyes, finding himself disinterested with the results; he just wanted sleep.

“94.2 degrees,” he stated, looking at Prentiss, who was still positioned behind Reid. “still low, but at least we’ve almost got him to the ‘mild hypothermia’ stage.” Prentiss snorted from behind Reid.

“Yeah, just a few more hours of shivering for him, right? He's gotta be exhausted already…” She held him a little tighter against her body and Reid leaned back towards her warmth.

He heard some rustling around before he was being moved once again. They laid him down flat on the bed again, but then began undoing his blankets.

Reid felt the colder air from outside his blanket bundle and he whimpered inadvertently. However, a warm body suddenly wrapped around him, pulling his body close to them. His head was tucked underneath the person’s chin, and he instinctively curled up into a ball against their chest.

It was only then that Reid realized he wasn’t wearing a shirt, and he seemed to be just in his boxers. He dismissed the thought though, too out of it to be embarrassed.

The blankets were tucked around him and the other body, and Reid sighed in relief at the new heat that was being trapped. His shivers were still there, but they seemed to be lessening more and more.

Despite the tremors running through him, Reid managed to quickly succumb to sleep, pressed against his family member.

Chapter Text

PT2

Reid peeled his eyes open, still feeling exhausted despite having just awoken. His body was no longer shivering profusely, and he actually felt relatively warm. When he began shifting onto his back, he realized someone was still holding onto him, but they relaxed their grip and allowed his movement.

He slowly sat up, undoing himself from the tight bundle of blankets and bringing a hand up to his face. Reid rubbed his eyes sleepily, glancing around the room.

Morgan sat up next to him, he must’ve been the one who’d been holding him. Prentiss was on his other side, still asleep, and Hotch was sitting in a chair, head tilted back awkwardly, also asleep.

Reid looked over at Morgan, who was staring back at him.

“Feeling okay?” Morgan asked, concerned.

Reid nodded, stifling a yawn. His body was sore, and his head ached, but he finally felt warm again.

“Let me take your temperature again, one second…” Morgan said, quietly standing up. He swiftly moved around the hotel room without awakening Prentiss or Hotch and grabbed the thermometer.

When he returned, Reid obediently opened his mouth, knowing better than to fight with Morgan on this.

After a minute or so of sitting uncomfortably with the thermometer in his mouth, it beeped, and Morgan removed it. He smiled in relief, turning it so Reid could see.

“96.8” Morgan read quietly, “you’re almost back to normal.” He smiled at Reid, ruffling his hair.

Reid gave a small smile back, simply feeling thankful that he was not shivering uncontrollably anymore.

“Can I put on some clothing?” Reid asked, voice heavy with fatigue.

Morgan smirked, chucking lightly, “of course, kid. Come here.”

Morgan helped Reid stand, undoing himself from all the blankets. Reid began to shiver once he was unwrapped, not used to the room’s normal temperature. The two made their way to the bathroom, Morgan grabbing his go bag on the way.

“Why don’t you take a bath before you get dressed, maybe it’ll help you with the final stretch and get your core back to its normal temp.”

Reid nodded as Morgan deposited him on the cold toilet lid. The man began running a bath for him, making sure the water was warm enough.

Reid shivered; arms wrapped around himself as he waited for the man to leave so that he could get in the water. He didn’t like being so exposed, having the man stare down at his very wiry, scrawny body was not his favorite thing. However, he knew that they only stripped him down to help stop him from freezing to death, so he was letting it slide.

When Morgan deemed the water warm enough, he left Reid in the bathroom, leaving the door cracked in case he had any problems.

Reid didn’t like that, but he understood why the man did it. After what had happened when he’d taken a shower while recovering from Anthrax, he was sure Morgan didn’t want a barely aware Reid locking the bathroom door.

He quickly stripped off his boxers, stepping into the tub. He let out a sigh as the warm water caressed his body. Reid very quickly sunk into the water, relief filling him as he finally felt warm again.

His aching muscles started to relax in the tub, and his pounding headache backed up to a low ache. Being in the warm bath was just what he needed; Morgan had been right about that.

The water in the tub, tragically, only stayed warm for so long. While it helped warm Reid up a lot, he was very disappointed when it started to cool off, signaling that he needed to get out.

After pulling the plug, Reid quickly stepped out of the bathtub, drying off with the small, itchy hotel towel. He went to open his go bag, only to notice that it wasn’t full of his normal clothing. Instead, a pair of Derek’s grey sweatpants and a navy sweatshirt that looked eerily similar to Hotch’s sat in the bag, along with a pair of his own boxers and mismatched socks.

Clearly, Morgan hadn’t wanted him to get any ideas about working today. While this did slightly annoy Reid, he was thankful that the two men had offered him up some soft, warm, comfortable clothing.

He pulled on the clothing, pulling the drawstrings of the pants as tight as they would go. They still hung awkwardly off his thin hips. He looked like he was drowning in their clothing, but at least he probably wouldn’t be moving around a lot today.

He figured that, after a near death experience such as the one he’d just had, they probably weren’t going to let him do much of anything for a while.

And Reid wasn’t mad about that. All he really wanted to do was go back to sleep.

Slowly, Reid peered out of the bathroom, not wanting to wake anyone who was still asleep. However, it appeared as though they were all up now. Prentiss and Morgan were speaking on the bed, and Hotch was glancing through messages on his phone. They collectively looked up at him when he entered the room, each checking over his appearance.

Morgan was the first to speak.

“Hey pretty boy, feeling better?”

Reid nodded, giving a small smile while awkwardly crossing his arms. He didn’t like being the center of attention, and he certainly was at the moment.

“Why don’t Morgan and I go get you something to eat,” Prentiss said, sending a look over to Hotch before pulling Morgan off the bed, “yeah, we’ll be right back with some food.”

The two of them scurried past him out the door, and he was left alone with Hotch.

Reid knew this talk was coming. He knew what he’d done the previous night was stupid, wandering out alone in the middle of the night, and then going up against an unsub they knew very little about, alone.

He made his way over to the bed, sitting on the edge of it, lowering his head. Hotch leaned forwards, rubbing a hand over his face.

“Spencer,” he started, concern seeping through his voice, “I’m not even sure what to say to you. You know how dumb it was to go in there alone, right? I mean what were you even doing out there at two in the morning?!” Hotch said, voice raising as slight frustration appeared on his face.

Reid nodded as the man spoke, agreeing with the judgements. What he did was stupid and reckless, he knew that, but he’d do it again in a heartbeat. If it meant saving that girl, he wouldn’t change a thing.

“I’m sorry, H-hotch” Reid said in a small voice, shrinking away from the man, “I know it was s-stupid, and I know you don’t like when I go out for evening w-walks… but I couldn’t sleep and I then when I found them I couldn’t just let her d-die!” He bent forwards, burying his face in his hands.

He felt ashamed for disappointing Hotch, but that girl would’ve died if he’d waited for backup!

Reid heard the chair creak and suddenly the bed dipped beside him as Hotch sat down next to him. He wrapped an arm around Reid, rubbing up and down his back.

“I’m glad you did what you did, Reid, the girl may not have made it if you hadn’t,” Hotch took a breath, trying to collect himself, “but you need to understand that your value isn’t less than anyone else’s. I know that you think your life is expendable, but it’s not.”

Reid froze, biting his lip. Hotch had, once again, hit it right on the head. He’d rather it be him than a victim who didn’t ask for a life associated with murderers, or one of his team members. If he lost any of them, he wasn’t sure he could keep going. But if they lost him, well he was sure they’d be able to keep moving on eventually.

“I can see the gears turning in your head Reid, and regardless of what you think I promise you that your life is important. We almost lost you yesterday, in fact we’ve almost lost you a couple times, and we never stop fighting to save you because we need you.” Hotch tilted Reid’s chin so that he was forced to look into the man’s eyes, “I need you.”

Reid chewed on his lip once more, dropping his eyes to the floor. His left hand inadvertently scratched at his inner arm as he awkwardly avoided eye contact.

He cleared his throat, licking his lips before speaking; “I need you too, Hotch.” His voice wavered a little, emotion seeping through his words.

Hotch pulled him in sideways for a hug, tucking his chin atop Reid’s head.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Hotch holding Reid tightly, before it was broken by the man once more.

“You know, Morgan’s the one who dove in the water after you. He was shaking like a leaf when he eventually surfaced again but you were so… still. Prentiss gave you CPR and even when you coughed up water, you barely showed signs of life. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen hypothermia that bad before, but the whole team worked together to keep you from freezing to death. Even Morgan, who definitely had some form of mild hypothermia, laid with you for hours. When you finally began shivering again, it was like we’d won an award. We all love you a lot Reid, I hope you know that.”

Reid nodded into the man’s chest, swallowing a lump in his throat. He’d really been right on the brink of death. The fact that he hadn’t been shivering at all and they couldn’t get him to a hospital in time meant that he’d had severe hypothermia, which has a mortality rate of about 75%.

He was incredibly lucky to have survived.

“I love you guys too.” He whispered back, closing his eyes with sudden fatigue. “Thank you for saving me.” He felt himself dropping off to sleep once more, exhaustion filling his body.

Hotch tightened his grip on him, holding him closer. His voice was quiet and seemed far away when he spoke, as Reid began to drift off to sleep; “We’ll always save you Spencer, even if you don’t wanna be saved.”

~

Reid awoke with someone’s arms wrapped around him once more. Turning his head slightly, he noticed it was JJ, who was fast asleep, curled around his body. He looked around the room, no one else was there.

He shifted to sit up, letting the blankets fall off of him. He finally felt normal again, albeit still tired. While Reid still shivered slightly at the temperature of the room, it was his normal level of cold rather than hypothermic cold.

A hand appeared on his shoulder and he turned to face JJ, who’d been awoken by his movement. She immediately launched herself at him, wrapping her arms tightly around him. He returned the hug quickly, burying his face in her shoulder.

When they separated, she stood quickly, walking towards the dresser. She picked up the thermometer, approaching Reid with it.

He frowned, “JJ, I think I’m back to normal, I don’t think you have to – mmmph” Reid was cut off as she shoved the device in his mouth.

“Good try Spence.” She said, smiling.

He sat, pouting, as the thermometer slowly took his temperature. When it finally beeped, he let out a sigh of relief. She pulled it out of his mouth, quickly reading the temperature.

She grinned even wider, turning it for him to read. “97.8 degrees, you’re back to normal, finally.” She stated.

Reid smiled at this. He still felt like he could sleep for a good few days but thank god his core temperature was back to normal.

The door swung open suddenly, reveling Hotch and Rossi who were carrying a pizza. They both looked surprised to see Reid was awake, but when JJ showed them the thermometer, there was a collective sigh of relief.

“You must be starving, kid” Rossi said, shoving a slice of pizza in his hand, “eat up. You have to have at least two pieces; you’re looking a little worse for wear. But sorry, no coffee yet.”

JJ and Hotch both chuckled at this while Reid pouted a little. He reluctantly took the slice, sad that he had to suffer without coffee in his body. However, as soon as he began eating, the thought of coffee disappeared as his appetite returned to him, and it wasn’t hard for him to down a couple of slices.

The four of them sat, chatting about things which didn’t pertain to work, and Reid felt whole again. He felt warmth, not just from the blanket he was wrapped in, but because of the love and affection his family was giving him in each of their glances or small gestures.

Morgan and Prentiss joined them not long after, cracking jokes and telling stories. Reid didn’t speak much because he didn’t feel like he had to, he just enjoyed listening and being around those who’d saved his life countless times. Who’d always have his back. Who he loved.

Those who, he knew, loved him back.

Chapter Text

S6 E2

When Reid woke up that morning, he knew something was wrong. He’d had a subtle ache in his head for the past few days, but today felt even worse than before.

His stomach rolled with nausea and he’d barely managed to get any sleep the night before. He stood on wobblily legs, slowly making his way to the bathroom. When he reached the sink, he felt as though he might collapse.

Gripping the sink as hard as he could, Reid managed to stay standing, but looking in the mirror it was obvious he was sick. He was very pale, and his short hair stuck to his sweaty forehead. He closed his eyes, attempting to stop the room from spinning, but, somehow, his head began pounding more.

He managed to brush his teeth and wash his face without vomiting, and he clumsily threw on some work clothes. Grabbing a cup of coffee, he stumbled out the door, only half aware of where he was heading.

He squinted at the bright light that hit him as he walked outside, shoving his sunglasses on as quickly as he could. Reid managed to get to the metro and ride to work, but he was functioning on autopilot.

When he arrived at the office, an odd scene presented itself. The blinds to Hotch’s office were pulled, and Morgan and Prentiss were standing below, discussing what was going on. Hazily, Reid threw his stuff down at his desk and walked over to the two other agents.

“What’s going on?” he asked in a quiet voice.

The two agents turned to him, both looking confused as well.

“JJ and Strauss are in there with Hotch, they’ve been in there a long time.” Prentiss stated.

“Strauss?” Reid repeated, unsure he heard her correctly. She nodded, confirming it.

“I’m gunna go see if Rossi knows anything.” Morgan stated, turning to walk towards the man’s office.

Prentiss took a seat in her chair, continuing to stare at the office in confusion. Reid leaned against her desk, hoping that sitting down might make him feel a little further away from collapse. He stared up at the office in silence, mind sluggishly attempting to reason with what the three would be discussing for so long in Hotch’s office.

Garcia approached the two of them a minute or so later, asking if JJ was still in with the other two. Reid’s eyes drifted down to Prentiss’s desk, realizing she had antiacid tablets laying out.

That should help calm his stomach.

Without thinking, he reached over, grabbing them. As he opened the lid to grab the calcium tablets out, he heard a scoff from behind him.

“Ugh, again with the dairy?” Prentiss asked him. He froze for a split second before realizing that he would just have to go with it.

He couldn’t tell them what was actually going on, because he didn’t know what was going on. “I can’t help it, I love dairy.”

Morgan joined the three of them once more, and they all collectively stared at the office. Why would Strauss be in there with the two of them? It didn’t make any sense, JJ was their communications liaison, not an agent, and she hadn’t done anything to warrant punishment of any sort.

“Do you know why JJ's in there?”

“I have no idea.”

“What is going on?” Garcia asked.

“Maybe she asked for a raise.” Reid chimed in, still unable to think of any reason why their teammate would be having a meeting with Strauss. He shoved another tablet in his mouth, chewing carefully. His stomach still felt fragile, but he didn’t feel like he was going to puke anymore.

“Have his blinds ever been closed?”

Reid’s brows furrowed together. Besides the few times when he’d slept in Hotch’s office, he couldn’t remember the blinds ever being closed. Though the man liked having his own space, he also liked to present himself as reachable. Keeping his blinds open showed people that it was okay for them to come and talk to him if he was needed for something.

When JJ suddenly walked out of Hotch’s office, Reid quickly turned his head to look the other way. Awkwardly scratching his neck, he watched as Garcia quickly walked out of the bullpen and Prentiss pretended to do some work on her computer.

It wasn’t long until Hotch walked out of his office as well, and the team began heading towards the elevators so that they could catch their plane.

When they boarded, JJ wasn’t quite acting herself. She was distancing herself from Hotch, and clearly was upset about something. Reid wanted to talk to her, but the nausea he’d been experiencing earlier was back, and his head was throbbing once more. The lights in the plane weren’t helping him, and he desperately wanted to wear his sunglasses, but he knew that would attract too much attention from his teammates.

Attempting to distract himself, Reid began reading through all the information that Garcia had given them on their way out. However, it only seemed to amplify his nausea until he was certain that he was about to vomit once more.

He quickly stood, making his way to the bathroom as quickly as he could without attracting attention from his teammates. The door was closed, but he needed to get in there now.

Knocking, he prayed that whoever was inside would open up soon. Luckily, they did.

JJ appeared, looking slightly distressed. Her brows raised at the sight of him and she quickly did a onceover on him. He was sure he didn’t look very good, but he didn’t have time for that now.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah, you?”

“I just feel kinda sick, excuse me.” Reid said, squeezing past her to fit into the plane’s small bathroom. He quickly locked the door before leaning over the toilet. Expelling what little he had in his body wasn’t pleasant, but luckily, he managed to be quiet enough that he didn’t think anyone heard.

When he finished, he leaned back against the wall of the bathroom, breathing heavily. His stomach felt better now that it had been emptied, but the world was still spinning, and his head continued to get worse. Awkwardly, he grabbed some toilet paper and wiped his face before flushing the toilet. Reid managed to slowly stand, ignoring the dizziness he was feeling, and turn towards the sink.

He quickly washed his face and his mouth out, getting rid of the putrid taste. When he glanced in the mirror he cringed, noticing the darkness under his eyes and how sweaty and unruly he looked.

He attempted to clean himself up, but there simply wasn’t enough time, nor did he have the motivation. Reid stumbled out of the bathroom, back into the bright cabin. He squinted against the light, wishing he could just go to sleep.

But he couldn’t, they had work to do.

When they landed, Rossi and he went straight to the crime scene. He was assaulted by the light outside, when he reached for his sunglasses, he realized that he’d forgotten them on the plane. Cursing himself, Reid squinted against the light, trying to ignore the stabbing he felt in the back of his head. Thankfully, the walk outside wasn’t long, and the club was much darker.

He and Rossi examined the crime scene, finding some important information they could share with the rest of the team. Reid braced himself for the walk outside once more, flinching away from the bright sun and keeping his head down. If Rossi noticed his odd behavior, he didn’t say anything, for which Reid was grateful.

When they were back at the station, Hotch asked him to go talk to Barrett. That sounded like the worst thing he could do at the moment, but not wanting to raise any suspicions, he went along with it.

Reid took a seat in the room with the submissive partner of the serial killer duo. As he walked into the room, Morgan was yelling out the door of the other.

“What the hell was that.”

“That was the camera.” Reid replied swiftly. He knew what the man was actually asking about, but they needed to play off of them.

“No, the yelling.”

“oh, that was Agent Morgan.” Reid replied quietly, opening the man’s file, “Barrett, it says here you were half an hour late to work on Saturday morning.” His voice was gravely from sickness, but luckily it was still intact enough.

Barrett looked at him, annoyed. “I was hung over.” The man stated.

Reid looked back down at the file again, “You were hung over? That’s nothing new but being late is. It looks like you always clock in ten minutes early, gas up the jet skis, get the life vests out. What happened that morning?” He leaned forwards towards the man, trying to focus on his microexpressions.

“I just told you, I was hung over.” Barrett stated once more, looking as stoic as ever.

“Got it, hung over, slept in. What about Friday night? Friday after the bar.” Reid questioned.

“We drove to the inlet-”

“Drove to the inlet, approximately what time would you say that you drove to the inlet?”

“2:00, 2:30.”

“Why would you go to the water at 2:00 or 2:30 in the morning?”

“The boats start coming in.” The man stated, maddened. He was clearly beginning to get annoyed with Reid’s repetition and questioning of his statements.

That’s what they wanted.

“In the middle of the night, the boats start coming in?”

“Yeah, they fish all night, then they bring in the catch. Then they sell it on the docks to the restaurants and all that. Syd wanted to show her, then he drove her back, dropped her off at the hotel, and the next thing I know, it’s morning.”

“And you just slept in?”

“My alarm clock’s broke.”

“Broken.” Reid corrected, seeing the anger begin to build again in the man, “Your alarm clocks broken.”

The man’s eyes filled with rage. “Broken.” he repeated, clearly trying to keep a hold on his frustration.

“Did it make you upset?” Reid asked, pushing away the smile that wanted to creep onto his face. The man was about to blow.

“Can you fix the damn camera, please?!” The man asked irritably, standing up suddenly. Reid flinched slightly at his raised voice but managed to keep it under control. The door whipped open and Reid turned to see who it was.

Prentiss was standing there, holding a new file. “Sit down” she ordered, and the man followed suit. She handed the file to Reid, who quickly flipped it open, quickly reading the words. He cleared his throat, as he saw the polygraph results. His brow furrowed; Barrett had passed.

“How’d you pass it?” Prentiss asked.

There must be something more going on than they realized, nothing that the man was saying made sense. Reid noticed that he continued calling the ocean the ‘inlet’, something randomly specific that seemed like a conscious choice.

The team met back up, discussing the two men. They’d eventually pieced it together, how Barrett and Pearson had done exactly what they’d told them, but that Barrett had left out part of the story. That he’d gone back to return her phone, and he’d abducted her, leaving her to be fish food to the sharks.

They’d sent out the coast guard, hoping maybe they’d be able to find her body so they could confirm Barrett committed the crime. Or, maybe they’d find her, still alive somehow.

Luckily, they’d found her in time, managing to pull her off a buoy. The family was reunited, and, besides dehydration and sunburns, it looked like Kate was going to be okay.

However, it seemed as though they weren’t getting a fully happy ending tonight.

Hotch informed the team that Strauss had passed her order through people above him. JJ was leaving at the end of the week, and there wasn’t anything they could do to stop it.

Reid sat in silence on the plane, exhausted and sick, but feeling distraught that his best friend was being taken away from him. He was at a loss for words, it didn’t feel real. He wanted this all to be a dream, he wished he could just awaken from the nightmare he’d fallen into.

But this wasn’t a dream, it was real.

Reid vaguely remembered the plane landing, and the team making their way back to the office, but he felt barely aware. His headache had continued to get worse, and the dizziness he felt was even more prominent now. He felt like he might faint at any minute.

They gathered in the bright bullpen, Reid squinting against the harsh artificial lights. The team was silent, watching as Hotch left JJ in the round table room to fill one last thing out.

When she did emerge a few minutes later, the team stood, not wanting to let her go. Reid managed to stand wobbly, watching as JJ approached with watery eyes.

“Wait a minute, I thought Hotch was supposed to-”

“It’s above his paygrade.” JJ said, choked up, “Strauss’s too.”

Reid’s brows furrowed in sadness and denial, they were supposed to at least have another week with her! “They can’t just take you away.” He stated softly, looking at the ground.

“So, we do nothing?”

“It’s done.”

Reid’s mind fuzzed out. He didn’t hear any of the words the others were saying. This didn’t make any sense; this couldn’t be real. They’d just come in to work this morning like it was any other day, and now JJ was leaving? He felt tears begin to collect in his eyes as he searched for a logical way out of this, for a logical answer.

There wasn’t one.

Reid stared at the ground, clenching his jaw. He couldn’t lose his sister, he just couldn’t. He wouldn’t survive without her.

“They can’t just take you away.” Reid repeated, even softer this time. He bit his lip, attempting to hold back his tears as JJ moved towards him, petting his arm lovingly.

The group exchanged hugs with her wordlessly, no one even knowing what to say. Just a few hours ago, their family had been whole. Now, they’d lost one of their own because she was too good at her job.

Reid shared a long hug with JJ. He felt like he was in shock. She’d eventually walked away, going to say goodbye to Garcia. Reid found himself grabbing his stuff and bolting, not wanting to talk to anyone.

He needed to get home.

He took the metro, which had thankfully been pretty empty tonight, and arrived back at his apartment. As soon as he walked in, he knew he was going to vomit again. From sickness or from the loss of his best friend, he wasn’t sure.

Reid sprinted to the bathroom, quickly dry heaving into the toilet. Tears streamed down his face, and they continued to flow after he’d finished. Curling up into a ball on the floor, Reid cried over the loss of his teammate.

He knew they’d probably still see each other. She would still be in DC, and he was still Henry’s godfather. However, he knew things wouldn’t be the same. They’d slowly start drifting apart more and more until he only saw her once a year, and then eventually she’d disappear completely from his life.

That’s how it always went.

When the tears eventually stopped flowing, he was left with a pounding headache and a horrible taste in his mouth. He managed to pull himself off the ground and start the shower. Quickly undressing, he stepped under the spray of hot water, feeling slight relief.

He felt a few more tears trickle down his face as his memory assaulted him once more. He just couldn’t believe that had been it. JJ wasn’t a part of the team anymore.

After a long time, Reid pulled himself out of the shower. Quickly drying himself off, he pulled on his pajamas and threw himself on his bed. He was exhausted, and desperately wanted relief from the ever-present pounding in his head. He turned, grabbing his phone off the desk to plug in, and checked the messages.

~JJ~

*6:57pm*

JJ: Spence, I’m really sorry that this is happening. I don’t want to go either.

JJ: I know you don’t like change, but we’ll still see each other! And you’ll still come babysit Henry, right Spence?

*7:32pm*

JJ: Spence?

*7:45pm*

## (2) MISSED CALLS FROM: JJ ##

~Hotch~

*8:03pm*

Hotch: I tried my best to keep JJ here, Reid. I’m really sorry I couldn’t do anything about it, and I hope you’re okay. Please let me know if you need anything, you’re always welcome at my place.

~Prentiss~

*8:14pm*

Prentiss: Spencer, I’m here if you need anything. I’m sad too :(((((

Prentiss: I know JJ doesn’t wanna leave any more than we want her to.

*8:23pm*

## MISSED CALL FROM: Prentiss ##

He appreciated their concern, but the last thing Reid wanted to do right now was talk to any of them. He just wanted to forget.

Reid turned his head towards his window, staring out at the dark night sky. What was the point of this job if their family was going to get separated like this? The only way any of them got through the day, got through these hard cases successfully, was because they could rely on one another.

And now the department had taken one of their own away from them.

Reid wasn’t sure how they’d get on without her. JJ did a lot more for the team than a lot of people realized. From handling press conferences, to talking with the families, and even picking their cases, she had a very large range of things to get through during each case.

Who would do that job now?

Who would be there for him now?

JJ was his best friend and, as much as he tried to deny it, he relied on her heavily for a lot of stuff. As much as the rest of his team was like family, when he did actually decide to go to people for help, she was usually the first person he’d talk to.

She was approachable and understanding, and she was like his sister. She only had a few years on him, whereas most everyone else (save Garcia) were much older than him, so the two of them could relate to one another and got along super well.

They’d been close since he’d first arrived at the FBI. In fact, she’d been his first real friend. She’d approached him, quickly getting to know him and showing an interest in who he was, something he’d never experienced before.

He’d never really known friendship until he met JJ.

Reid closed his eyes, curling into a ball on his side. As much as he wanted to hang onto her, he knew he had to let her go. There was nothing he could do and as much as he hated it, Strauss was right, she would be able to be home with Will and Henry more. They’d be able to be more of a family.

Plus, she’d be getting a raise, as this was a major promotion.

He took a shuddering breath in, choking back tears.

Reid would miss his sister a lot, but he knew he needed to let her enjoy her family. He needed to let her continue succeeding and moving up in the department.

So, he would do the only thing he could; Reid tried to let her go.

Chapter Text

S6 E4

Reid groaned as he stepped into his brightly lit apartment building’s lobby. It was dark out, so the stark difference in light compared to outside caused his head to throb immensely.

The case they’d just worked had gone fairly well, and luckily Reid hadn’t really been put in the field. Perhaps Hotch knew something was wrong and kept him at the police station on purpose, or maybe it was just luck.

However, the headache he’d had for the past week had been building and building, becoming worse each day. He knew it was probably because of the lack of sleep and food, but this headache felt different.

It felt like he was getting sick. But not normal sick, this felt different.

It had been 23 days since Reid had felt normal. Between the worsening headaches, nausea, and sensitivity to light, it was becoming harder to focus on cases.

Throw in the loss of JJ and Reid found himself in a rough spot.

He climbed the stairs almost blindly, letting his eyes fall closed against the harsh light. When he did finally reach his floor, his head was pounding with each breath and his hands shook as he pulled out his keys. Thankfully, he was able to shove them into the lock and let himself into his dark apartment.

Reid closed the door behind himself, locking it, before allowing himself to sink to the ground. All his windows were still blocked out from the last time he was here, so he could only see the outline of the room he was standing in. Sinking his head in his hands, Reid breathed deeply, attempting to steady his heart rate and, hopefully, cease the pounding in his head.

After a few minutes, he pulled himself off the ground slowly, grabbing onto his counter for balance. He instinctively made his way to his bed, not bothering to change clothes, and collapse atop the covers.

All he wanted was to go to sleep and awaken without a headache. He wanted to feel normal again.

A thought passed through his mind that made his stomach roll. He quickly sat up, wincing as his head began pounding once more at the sudden movement. Reid found himself shooting to the bathroom, expelling the small amount of liquid in his stomach into the toilet. Tears rolled down his cheeks in pain and fear as the thought stuck in his mind.

He was at the prime age for a schizophrenic break.

Reid knew the symptoms that doctors looked for; hallucinations, disorganized behavior, disorganized speech, delusions, and negative symptoms. While most of those did not yet fit him, he was showing quite a few negative symptoms.

A voice in the back of his brain rationalized that he was just experiencing depression and anxiety induced by the loss of JJ, as well as in response to his past trauma. However, his heart began to speed up as the implications of a schizophrenic break washed over him.

He’d lose his brain and his job, the only things he had. He’d end up just like his poor mother, wasting away in a sanatorium except no one would write letters to him every day, or even come visit.

He’d be all alone again.

Reid felt his breathing speed up as more tears tracked down his cheeks. His heart and head were both pounding in rhythm as his breathing became more and more erratic. Before he could try and stop it, he was having a full-blown panic attack.

He couldn’t breathe, the air wasn’t getting in his lungs. His chest was becoming tight and began throbbing and Reid began tearing off his shirt in the hopes that it would help.

It didn’t.

His body was shaking against the cold wall, and Reid found himself curling into a tight ball. He felt like he was choking, and his mind was beginning to become hazy. Sweat poured down his back and tears dripped down his face. His fingers started to tingle, and Reid was sure this was it.

He was going to die.

The dim lighting in his bathroom began to fade as his breaths became shorter and shorter. Reid felt the tingling begin creeping up his arms and he felt as though his heart would burst from his chest.

He’d experienced panic attacks and drowning before, multiple times actually, but neither were ever as terrifying as this. Usually, when he was underwater without breath, after the panic there would be a moment of calm before darkness would creep in. Or, during a panic attack, usually someone was with him to help calm him down. However, now he felt like he was drowning, even though there was oxygen all around him, and he didn’t feel any peace, just fear.

As his vision began to darken, Reid’s body inadvertently started to go limp, causing him to slide onto the ground on his side. His head screamed at him as it bumped against the floor, and, suddenly, it was dark.

~

Reid came to consciousness in pain. His head throbbed worse than it had when he’d gotten a concussion from an unsub hitting him with a bat. He slowly pried his eyes open, finding himself on the cold tile of his bathroom floor.

He sat for a long while on the ground, dazed and confused, before he decided to attempt sitting up. Pushing himself off the ground, Reid immediately placed a hand on his head, wincing. He shut his eyes as the dark room spun around him and he resisted the urge to vomit once more.

After a while, when the room was relatively still, he managed to very weakly push himself off the ground. He dragged himself to his bed, once again collapsing in it. Reid tapped the phone he’d thrown on his side table earlier, cringing at the light it emanated.

It was almost five in the morning.

Weakly, Reid threw off his shoes and pants, curling onto his side under the covers. All he wanted to do was sleep for a few days, maybe his headache would finally go away and he’d be back to normal.

Reid desperately wanted to avoid going to the doctor. The last thing he needed was more people poking and prodding him or telling him he was in a break.

He just wanted this to go away.

But if he awoke still feeling shitty, well, perhaps it was time he went to see someone about it.

He was beginning to feel desperate.

~

A horribly shrill ringing woke Reid, and he flinched away from the noise. It made his head throb with pain and he tried burying further under the covers.

But that didn’t work.

The ringing continued, and he realized it was his phone. Groaning, Reid rolled over closer to the noise and picked up the device. He couldn’t read the caller ID; the light was too much for his eyes and it blurred the letters together.

Clearing his throat as much as he could, he attempted to sound collected as he answered; “Reid.”

“Hey Spencer!” Penelope yelled through the phone in an excited voice. Reid groaned, bringing the phone further away from his ear. “Wanna get brunch with Emily and I?”

Reid sat in silence, not processing the question. Instead, he was willing the pain to lessen. After a few more beats of silence, her voice rang through once more.

“Reid?”

“Oh, uh n-no” he stuttered, “uh s-sorry Garcia, I have a… thing today. Thanks though.” With that, Reid hung up the phone, groaning to himself. His voice was awfully raspy, but considering it had been for a while, he hoped she wouldn’t think anything of it.

He sat in bed for a while, hoping the pain in his head would lessen, but it seemed to be a lost cause.

Maybe he should go to the hospital. As much as he hated it, he was in a lot of pain. If they had work today, he’d probably call in sick. And he NEVER called in sick.

After gathering some courage, Reid rolled over, grabbing his phone once more. His eyes squinted against the bright light of the screen but, luckily, now he was able to kind of make out the notifications on the screen.

He had a few missed texts and calls, but he opted to ignore them for now. It’s not like he was really in the mood to do anything today anyways. Reid pulled up a contact he’d hoped to never have to call.

It was Dr. Rodriguez, the woman who’d diagnosed his mother and watched the progression of the disease.

He took a deep breath, heartrate speeding up again as anxiety filled his body. Reid slowly pushed himself up into a sitting position. He bit his lip before quickly hitting the ‘call’ button.

There was no going back now.

The line rang for quite a while. He was almost certain he’d have to leave a message when, at the last minute, a cheery voice appeared on the phone.

“Spencer! It’s been a while.” He smiled at her tone, she’d always been incredibly supportive and encouraging to him while his mom had been deteriorating.

Since his dad had left him, she tried to help him as much as possible. She understood how intelligent he was and ended up teaching him a lot of medical knowledge, trying to distract him from his fractured family life.

“Hey Dr. Rodriguez.”

“Spencer, I thought we’d been through this! You can call me Alejandra.”

Reid chuckled at this, a small smile appearing on his face. “I know, it’s a habit.”

“How are you doing? How’s your mom?”

“She’s… okay, I guess. But-” he paused, taking a breath, “she’s actually not why I’m calling…” Reid bit his lip in nervousness.

The doctor paused before speaking again, “What’s wrong?” she asked firmly. He was certain from the sound of her voice that she already had an idea. She knew he was 28, and she also knew that this was the prime age for a break.

“I’ve been having these… really intense headaches.”

There was a pause again. “and…?”

Reid’s brows furrowed in confusion, “and… what?”

“and you’ve begun experiencing other symptoms of a break? And you’ve started to lose time? And you’ve had hallucinations? Which one is it?”

“Well…” Reid trailed off, unsure of how to reply, “I mean, I haven’t had any other symptoms other than maybe some insomnia-”

“Which you’ve delt with before.”

“and I guess I’ve been isolating myself recently, withdrawing again-”

“Which is a symptom of depression and anxiety, two things you suffer with.”

Reid swallowed, understanding her logic.

“Spencer,” she began speaking again, “I know this is a scary age for you. I do. I understand how terrifying it must be to have watched your mother slowly deteriorate from a disease that you may very well develop, but a lot of the symptoms your describing are things that you regularly deal with. I know how much pressure you put on yourself, and how much you neglect taking care of yourself, did you ever think that these headaches could be stress induced?”

Reid took a deep breath, absorbing what she’d just said. She was right, of course, none of these symptoms were new. “It’s just… I guess when they all happen at once it seems a lot less manageable…” he stated in a soft voice. “I’m just… I’m scared.”

He heard Dr. Rodriguez sigh, “I know. If it’ll make you feel better, you can come into the office today and I’ll check you out. Then, maybe once you’ve been cleared, we can head back to my place and I’ll make you some lunch, okay?”

Reid smiled, “Okay.”

~

Making his way into Dr. Rodriguez’s office, Reid wore his darkest pair of sunglasses. Despite his head not feeling as horrible as it had been a few hours ago, the light still felt as though it was burning a hole through his skull.

The doctor was there already, waiting for him to come inside. She held the door for him, quickly leading him back to her office where most of the lights were off. She let him keep the sunglasses on, quickly taking his vitals.

Just standard procedure.

Reid listed off his symptoms to her and they spoke a bit about his work and home life. Finally, she had him remove his sunglasses.

“Sorry, this is probably going to hurt.” She apologized, shining a bright light into his eyes. He flinched away but managed to keep his eyes open to a squint, understanding her need to test his pupils.

The doctor wrote on her chart, reading through it. The two sat in silence as she slowly began a diagnosis, and Reid sat with anxiety.

“Spencer,” she started, looking up at him, “my best diagnosis is that this is all stress related. Your vitals are relatively normal, breathing’s a little weak but considering you survived anthrax I’m going to assume that’s the cause of that. Blood pressure seemed higher than normal but considering your radiating stress, that would explain that.”

She flipped through the notes she’d written, “weight’s low but what’s new and you’re currently dehydrated but other than that, you don’t seem like you’re having any sort of break to me. All of the symptoms you’ve described are stress related or correspond with your depression and anxiety. Have you been taking your medication?”

Reid looked down, biting his lip. “I don’t like taking medication that alters my brain chemistry.” He said in a small voice.

“Spencer, you know it’ll help you.” She said, placing a gentle hand on his knee. “I know how much you’ve been through, and I know that you’re… sensitive, to drugs,” she mentioned awkwardly, “but they’ll help manage the symptoms. They’ll keep them at bay. That way they don’t all crash down on you at once. That’s why this has been so frightening, one at a time you can manage them, but all at once? It’s too much.”

She sighed as he dipped his head in shame, “I know you love your job and the people you work with, and I know they love you. But you need to take care of yourself if you want to keep the job, alright? Otherwise you’re going to collapse at thirty from a heart attack.”

Reid nodded, giving a small smile. He still felt like shit, but the terror in his heart had ceased for now.

“Thank you, Dr. Rodriguez.”

The doctor smiled, patting his arm, “It’s Alejandra. Now come on, let’s go have some lunch.”

~

The two of them ate together at the doctor’s house, catching up with one another. Reid hadn’t seen her in quite a while, both of them having been so busy with their own schedules, and it was nice to catch up with her.

Though there was still a thread of terror in his heart that this could be his break, he felt much better after his discussion with her about the whole thing. He knew he shouldn’t dwell on the disease, after all, there wasn’t much he could do to prevent it anyways. But it was hard for him to ignore all together, especially since it was impossible to predict one’s chance of developing a genetically passed condition.

It was something that would always haunt him in the back of his mind, at least until he was past the age of a break, however, the doctor did make him feel a little more at ease.

When she’d dropped him off at his house, his head wasn’t aching as horribly as it had been. In fact, he was able to take his sunglasses off inside the lobby and not flinch away from the light and his noisy neighbors.

With any luck this week would be less painful than the last, and the doctor had been right about the whole thing being caused by stress. He’d try to get enough sleep and food this week, and maybe his headache would continue to retreat until it was nothing but a distant memory.

Hopefully he’d be back to his old self in no time.

Hopefully.

Chapter Text

S6 E12

Clutching the ‘Orula’s Ide’ in his hand, Reid looked at the ground in confusion. His head was still pounding and his vision wavering, but luckily the lack of light in the room was helping his migraine.

As the man walked away from him, Reid glanced down at the bracelet, unsure of what to do with it. He opted to put it in his pocked, but Hotch appeared in front of him as he was placing it there.

“What do you need protecting from?”

“I have no idea” Reid quickly replied, keeping his eyes down.

Hotch paused before speaking again, “are you alright?”

Reid licked his lips, looking up at the man. His head ached and he if he looked at all how he felt he was certain that the man would see right through his lie.

He decided to lie anyways, though.

“Yeah. Oh y-yeah I-I am.” Reid gave a pretend laugh in the hopes that it would help convince Hotch of his story, “I pretended to have a headache in order to distract him.”

“Pretended…?”

“Yeah, pretended.” Reid stated, pushing his way past Hotch and out of the building.

He wasn’t about to have this conversation with anyone, especially when even he didn’t know what was going on inside his head.

As he stepped outside, Reid cringed at the light of the moon. Squinting, he wished that he could wear his sunglasses at night without anyone questioning him. Sadly, though, he knew that would be a red flag to everyone around him.

So, instead, Reid ducked his head, making his way partially blind through the streets back towards where the SUVs had been parked. He squinted even more at the bright flashing lights of the cop cars, wishing they’d turn them off.

At least the sirens weren’t blaring though.

Reid suppressed a yawn as he approached Morgan, Seaver, and Emily, who were speaking near one of the SUVs. Keeping his head down, he made his way next to them, still keeping himself at a distance in the hopes that no one would try and talk to him. He leaned against the car, breathing a sigh of relief when none of them moved towards him.

He reached up, rubbing his closed eyes with his hand, willing the pain behind them to cease. His hand landed on the bridge of his nose as he absentmindedly thought about the case.

None of it made any sense.

He had absolutely no explanation for what happened in the interrogation room, nor could he explain the images flashing through his mind or how Julio had known about his headaches.

But he wasn’t crazy.

He jumped as a hand landed on his shoulder, eyes flying open in surprise. It was Hotch, standing in front of him once more with that concerned and knowing look on his face. Reid quickly regained as much of his composure as he could, pretending he didn’t notice the rest of the team looking his way.

Hotch opened his mouth, then closed it again as if he was debating what to say. Reid swallowed nervously, trying his best not to squint against the flashing lights.

“Let’s head out.” Hotch said, patting Reid on the shoulder before turning to walk away.

Slightly surprised, Reid watched the man go. He felt relief that he’d avoided the interrogation, but he was also certain that this wouldn’t be the end of the conversation.

For now, though, he’d take it.

Reid walked to the side of the car, cringing when the automatic overhead light came on, and blindly pulled himself in the vehicle. He fastened his seatbelt and immediately leaned his head against the window, closing his eyes.

Thank god for tinted windows.

He barely processed the movement of the car, or the whispering voices in the seats in front of him. Instead, he allowed himself to doze, letting the pain wash away from him for a moment.

Quicker than he thought possible, he was startled back to awareness when the damn overhead light came on again. His hand immediately shot up to cover his already closed eyes and he leaned away from the light.

He somehow managed to unbuckle himself and get out of the car without collapsing, but his headache had increased tenfold. Reid opened his eyes to slits once he was out of the car, noticing that they were already back at the jet.

But he didn’t have his bag, it was back at the station.

“Shit.” He muttered to himself, looking around for his coworkers. Only then did he notice that Hotch and Rossi were both staring at him expectantly from a few feet away.

“Uh, Hotch, my bag’s back-”

“Morgan took the other’s back to the station to grab all of our stuff. They’re going to meet us here.”

Reid’s brows furrowed in confusion, but he nodded, not having the energy to continue asking questions. He looked towards the brightly lit jet and cringed, knowing he’d be suffering for a while until they turned off the cabin lights. Reid took a step towards the plane, assuming that’s where they were headed when a hand stopped him.

Hotch grabbed Reid’s shoulder, turning him around. Rossi had stepped forwards as well, looking troubled.

“Kid, what’s going on with you?” Rossi asked bluntly.

“N-nothing,” Reid swallowed, attempting to wet his scratchy, dry throat, “listen I don’t know what Julio was talking about, I’m fine-”

“Reid you’re clearly not. You’ve been flinching away from light and noise all week, and you look awful. I don’t know what was happening between you and Julio either but you’re clearly sick.”

Reid closed his eyes, clenching his jaw. A wave of nausea seemed to pass over him as someone had finally said it out loud.

When it passed, he blurrily opened his eyes, staring at Hotch once more who still had a strong grip on his shoulder. Reid felt like it was the only thing keeping him from falling over at this point.

“Just let us help you, kid.” Rossi pleaded. “Tell us what you need.”

Reid shook his head, swallowing again. “I’m fine.”

Hotch looked frustrated, and Reid couldn’t blame him, but he also couldn’t bring himself to tell them what was wrong.

Wait.

That was it. Maybe he would tell them he was sick, just leave out the whole ‘been sick for a few months and have seen a bunch of doctors but none of them have found anything wrong and I’m scared I’m in a schizophrenic break’ thing.

“Okay, maybe I’m not.” Reid admitted. Hotch and Rossi both looked surprised at the sudden change of heart. “I’ve been sick for the past couple of days, I think I have a cold or something.”

Neither of them seemed very convinced of this, but at least he’d admitted he was sick now.

“Symptoms?” Hotch asked, brows raising.

Reid sighed, quickly narrowing the list and weakening symptoms so that they didn’t think something major was wrong with him.

Even though there probably was.

“Nausea, sore throat, headache.” He listed simply. That about covered it in a very, very general sense.

“Headache? Or is it a little worse than that…?” Rossi questioned. “You’ve been jumping away from light and noise the past few days, you sure it’s just a headache?”

Reid bit his lip before nodding, “yeah, just a headache.”

Rossi and Hotch shared a look, but neither said anything else. Rossi started walking towards the jet, leaving Hotch and Reid alone.

“Reid if you were feeling bad you should’ve said something, you can take some time off…”

Reid shook his head, “Hotch, really, it’s not a big deal. I’d rather be here helping than lazily sitting in bed-”

“Spencer it’s not ‘lazily sitting in bed’, it’s just taking care of yourself. It’s recognizing when you need a break and allowing yourself to take it.” The man placed his other hand on Reid’s free shoulder, now bringing him to fully face him, “It’s okay to take a break.”

Reid forced a smile, nodding. “I know” he said in a very small voice. His anxieties about becoming unnecessary and useless in their group went unsaid, but both of them knew what he was leaving out.

Hotch smiled, moving his body so that he had one arm wrapped around Reid’s shoulders, and the agent began leading him towards the jet.

When they got to the stairs, Reid’s eyes slipped shut inadvertently due to the bright lights. Hotch quickly placed sunglasses over his eyes though, almost as if he’d had them ready. Reid’s eyes opened to narrow slits even under the dimmed glasses and he thanked Hotch before slowly making his way up the steps.

When he got into the main cabin, he smiled at the pile of blankets and pillow that was waiting for him on the couch. Rossi was sitting in one of the chairs across from it, sipping a drink and reading. He smiled as Reid sat down and he and Hotch began conversing as the other man sat across from him.

Reid grabbed the first blanket, beginning to unfold it. He was more thankful now than ever that they’d began keeping more blankets on board. The team fell asleep on the flight home too many times to not have proper sleeping equipment ready to go at all times.

He began bundling himself up underneath the pile of blankets, knowing that he’d probably be able to block most the light out with them.

When he finally got them all unfolded, he pulled Hotch’s sunglasses off, quickly handing them to the man, and pulled the blankets up over his eyes.

Sure, it was a little toasty, but his migraine was finally beginning to truly calm to a headache, and he’d take what he could get at this point. He curled onto his side, head smashed into the seat, and closed his eyes.

He was thankful for the darkness, body immediately beginning to succumb to sleep. He lifted out of his haze slightly when he heard the rest of the team climbing the jet’s steps, but, luckily, all of them were speaking in hushed voices.

Reid let himself fall asleep as he felt the plane begin moving. They had a few hours before they’d land in DC anyways, might as well get through it without his head pounding.

~

When Reid awoke, he realized he was still buried under a pile of blankets on the jet. His eyes blinked open slowly, but he couldn’t see anything anyways. It was too dark.

He couldn’t hear any voices, just the white noise of the plane. It was late after all, and it had been a long week for all of them. Everyone was probably just asleep.

Reid’s brows furrowed together as he realized how much better he felt. Sure, he didn’t feel back to normal, but his head was down to a dull ache rather than the pulsating throb he’d been feeling the past few days. His throat was dry, but it didn’t hurt, and he felt slightly nauseated, but he was sure it was from lack of food rather than sickness.

Slowly, Reid pushed himself out from the blanket pile, sighing in relief when the cool air of the jet hit him. He didn’t realize how hot it had gotten under there.

The jet was dark, thankfully, and it looked like everyone was asleep.

Well, most everyone.

Rossi and Hotch were still sitting at the chairs across from him, sipping some form of alcohol and going through their phones. Hotch was the first to notice Reid’s movement, giving a small smile at him when they made eye contact.

“How are you feeling?” Hotch asked quietly. Rossi’s eyes snapped up at Reid at this, now noticing he was awake.

Reid smiled, rubbing his eyes. “Better.” He replied, voice heavy with sleep and rough from sickness. He pushed his hair back, realizing he must look ridiculous with how unruly his hair felt. He truly had bedhead at the moment.

Hotch handed him a bottle of water which he seemingly conjured out of thin air. Reid took it gratefully, unscrewing the cap and immediately downing most of the bottle. He hadn’t realized how thirsty he’d been, and his throat thanked him for the cool liquid.

“I want you to take a few days off” Hotch started, but Reid’s eyes immediately shot open in distress.

“But Hotch-”

“take care of yourself for a few days and then come back to work.”

“Hotch no, you don’t understand-”

“Reid, this is nonnegotiable.”

Reid’s heart was pounding. He was just starting to get better. What if by the time his break from work was over, another migraine wave was starting? What if the doctors found something detrimental and they had to take him off the team?

“Reid. Reid, look at me.” Hotch’s hands were on his shoulders, grounding him. Reid’s breath started to slow as he returned to his body. He swallowed thickly, pushing away the oncoming panic attack and focusing on Hotch instead. “Reid, just for a few days, okay? Just until you’re back to your old self. We're not scheduled for anything the rest of the week, so unless we get called out on a case, it's just going to be paperwork. And if we do get a case, I'll come pick you up, okay? Get some sleep, eat something, take a nap, just take care of yourself. I’ll come over to check in after work and make sure you’re okay, alright?”

Reid swallowed again, feeling the pressure still weighing on his chest, but he nodded. Unless he wanted to confess to the two of them what was really going on, this was probably the best he’d get.

“O-okay.”

Hotch stood, leaving Reid alone on the couch once more. Reid rubbed his eyes again, thinking to himself.

Perhaps this would be good, he could schedule a few appointments during the days he’d have off, see if anyone could tell him what was wrong.

He just wanted an answer.

Reid shoved his right hand into his pocket, becoming confused when he felt something in there. Slowly, he pulled out the Orula’s Ide. Reid wasn’t superstitious, he was a man of science, but for whatever reason, he felt compelled to put it on.

It slid on his wrist and he felt a slight weight lift off his chest. Reid couldn’t explain it, maybe it was just a placebo effect, but something about it felt right. He closed his eyes again, leaning back against the couch.

As he began drifting off to sleep again, Reid prayed that he’d find an answer soon.

Maybe Julio really had been connected to him, maybe not, but either way, Reid just wanted an answer.

Chapter Text

S6 E16

Today was supposed to be a win.

They’d saved Sammy’s mom after all, and it seemed they’d reconnected him with his aunt as well.

But it just didn’t feel like enough.

Reid sat on his couch in the dark, sipping on a cold cup of coffee. It was almost midnight, but he didn’t want to go to sleep.

He knew he’d have nightmares about the case.

His head ached and he yearned to feel normal, but it seemed that his new ‘normal’ was the presence of some form of headache.

At least it wasn’t a full-blown migraine at the moment, but it was mostly due to the dark nature of the room. All the curtains were drawn, and the lights were off, it was the best way to fend off the constant pounding in his head.

In the low light he stared at the outline of the new keyboard that was sitting in his living room. He’d picked it up after the case, excited to have a new hobby. It wasn’t too difficult for him to pick up the instrument, it was all just math after all. He’d played for a few hours, teaching himself various songs and getting used to the hand movements.

But he’d run out of motivation after a while, opting to sit on the couch and stare at the wall instead.

The guilt had slowly built up inside him, clawing at his insides until it had taken over his mind as well. If he’d only been a little faster, if he’d only figured out what Sammy had been trying to tell him a little sooner, the boy would still have a father.

A kid shouldn’t have to grow up without a dad. That was one thing Reid knew firsthand.

The unsub would still be alive too. He’d be facing kidnapping charges, sure, but at least he’d be alive. He’d had a family as well; one he was so desperate to protect that he kidnapped his friends to try and take care of them. One that he’d given his life for.

Two lost lives. Two people who weren’t monsters, who didn’t deserve to die. All because he wasn’t fast enough.

Reid shook his head, throwing his free arm over his face. The team had told him to stop doing this, to stop taking every case so personally. It wasn’t healthy.

But, truthfully, he wasn’t certain how the rest of his team didn’t have the same issue.

Maybe it was because they all leaned on each other or their family. He knew Garcia and Morgan were having their special movie night tonight. He knew Seaver and Rossi were playing video games in his office. Hotch would return home to see Jack and Prentiss had mentioned something about meeting an old friend tonight.

But he was all alone. He hadn’t been invited to movie night or game night. He didn’t have any family to come home to, or really any friends outside of work.

So, he just returned to his empty apartment and sat by himself, replaying the events of the case over and over in his mind until he’d revealed all of his mistakes.

He knew that he could reach out to them, they’d told him that they were a family over and over again. They’d reassured him that he wasn’t a burden, and that he could talk to them.

But that didn’t mean that it stopped feeling like a burden.

Reid let out a sigh, feeling annoyed with himself.

He missed JJ. She was the person he longed to call at a time like this. He needed sisterly reassurance, but not that of Garcia or Prentiss. No, he needed JJ reassurance.

JJ had a way of convincing him that he wasn’t the liability of the team, that, in fact, he actually mattered. She would speak to him in such a soft and affectionate way that he would actually believe her, even if it would only last a few hours.

But JJ wasn’t at the BAU anymore.

She’d said they’d keep in touch, that they’d have brunch on the weekends and talk every other day. But, of course, that didn’t last. Soon it turned into talking once a week and brunch once a month. Now it had been 23 days since he’d last spoken to her.

It wasn’t her fault, she was busy. Between work and her family, she’d always been busy. Just, now, they didn’t see one another at work, so they didn’t really see each other at all.

Reid felt a pang of sadness in his chest at the thought of losing JJ. It had been really hard for everyone to adjust to the loss of her, professionally and personally, but he’d struggled the most.

He didn’t like change, and losing his sister, even if it was only at work, was a difficult transition to make. He missed seeing her, and he missed seeing Will and Henry as well.

Reid felt the tears welling up in his eyes and decided it was time to move. He wasn’t about to cry on the couch about his friend leaving the BAU. It’s not like she moved away or died, she just didn’t work with him anymore.

Reid placed the cup of cold coffee down on the side table before standing. He quickly stretched, letting his back crack after sitting for so long. He rubbed his eyes, wishing away his fatigue.

He began walking towards the bathroom, grunting as he bumped into the side of a table in the darkness. Reid reluctantly flicked on the light, cringing as the bright bathroom light assaulted his eyes, increasing his headache tenfold.

Squinting, he stared at his reflection. He’d finally got up the motivation to replace his broken mirror a few weeks ago, but he kind of regretted the purchase.

He much preferred not having to stare at his sickly reflection every time he came in the bathroom.

Reid’s dark circles were pronounced, but they’d almost just become a permanent part of his complexion at this point.

Morgan had joked that he had ‘dark circle syndrome’, which was fair, but it was also just due to his seemingly constant exhaustion from whatever invisible sickness had taken hold of him.

His hair was all over the place and outfit wrinkled. Reid debated taking a shower, but he wasn’t sure he could last long enough under the light.

Instead, he quickly splashed some cool water on his face and brushed his teeth.

Turning off the light, he left the bathroom, blindly making his way towards his bed. Reid stripped off his work clothing, throwing them to the ground carelessly.

He opened his top drawer, grabbing what felt like a shirt and some sweatpants, and threw them on. He wasn’t quite sure what he was wearing, but it didn’t matter, he was just going to sleep in these clothes anyways.

Plus, he wasn’t about to turn on a light just to find matching pajamas.

Reid crawled under the covers of his bed, curling up on his side. He didn’t really want to go to bed, but he was exhausted and just wanted the pain in his head to stop for a moment. The flare up in throbbing from the bathroom light was enough to outweigh the idea of nightmares.

Just as Reid was beginning to drift off, Sammy popped back into his mind.

He felt for Sammy so much.

He knew what it was like to be ‘different’ as a child, how hard it was to make friends and interact with the world. It wasn’t fun to grow up so alone.

Reid was thankful that he had his BAU family, but none of them truly understood Sammy like he could. None of them could connect with him like he could.

He wished more people would try.

Reid hoped to keep in contact with the family after the case. He wanted to be able to help and support Sammy in any way he could. The kid had a bright future ahead of him. He was brilliant and kind, even if it was difficult for him to communicate with most people.

But he now understood Sammy, and he wasn’t going to just leave him after they’d bonded like that.

Reid pulled his pillow over his face, groaning at himself.

He hated this.

He hated the headaches, he hated the guilt, the loathing, the nightmares, and insomnia.

Sometimes he just wished he could make it all go away.

Reid’s eyes shot open. He sat up in his bed, mind beginning to wander to a dark place. His hand found its way to the crook of his arm.

Dilauded.

He knew he shouldn’t go back to that; he was three years clean. But then again, it was late, and he was feeling just reckless enough that it seemed like it might be a good idea.

Well, maybe not a good idea, but he was desperate to make the pain go away.

Reid swung his legs off the side of the bed, quickly standing. He grabbed a hoodie and his wallet, quickly heading for the door.

Swiftly, he ran down the stairs and out the door of his apartment building. The streets were dark and quiet, no one in sight. He pulled his hoodie up over his head, hiding himself in the night.

Reid made his way down the street, walking a familiar route that he taken in years. It led down eerie alleys; past dark corners filled with people avoiding the very law that Reid represented.

He ducked his head, keeping his face in the dark as he turned the final corner. Walking up to the rusted door in the dark back alley, Reid looked around. No one was around thankfully, no one had followed him.

Reid rose a shaking hand, tapping on the door a few times. A few seconds later, it opened, a familiar face appearing.

“Spencer… it’s been a while.”

“Cole, hey.”

“You look like shit.”

Reid let out a snort, “Thanks.”

“What are you doing here? I thought you were clean?”

“I am.” Reid replied, glancing around. He clenched his jaw, looking at the man expectantly.

“Are you sure you really wanna go down this road again?”

“Come on Cole, you need the money, don’t you?”

The man sighed, reaching into his pocket. He pulled out a few vials, flashing them at Reid. He felt his heartrate increase at the sight of the Dilauded. A craving overtook his body, suddenly he wanted nothing more than to inject himself with the drug. It would take away the pain and the guilt.

It would numb him to the agony he’d been living with for so long.

Reid pulled out his wallet, counting out the cash that Cole required. He handed it over, quickly snatching the vials out of the man’s hands. He turned to leave but a hand caught his shoulder stopping him.

“Listen, Spencer,” Cole started, stepping out the door, “You know I only do this for the money. I don’t want to see you go down this road again. Dilauded isn’t weed, it’s gunna destroy you again. You’re putting your career on the line, your life on the line! Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Cole, I appreciate the concern, but frankly, you have no idea what I’ve been going through. You don’t understand how much I need this.” He tried to leave again, but the man didn’t let go of his shoulder, instead tightening his grip.

“Please, just think this through before you do this again. Call some friends or family, ask for help, don’t do this.” With that, the man patted his shoulders, stepping back inside the door and shutting it.

Reid was stunned, staring at the door for a few seconds in a trance. The man had never fully condoned Dilauded, only selling it because of how much he could make off it.

He’d watched Reid throw his life away and almost die, before slowly coming off of it. He’d seen much more of Reid’s struggles than the team had.
Maybe the man was right.

Reid felt the craving lessen as guilt filled his insides. The team would be so disappointed in him if they knew that he’d just done. He turned, running away from the door, clutching the vials in his hands.

He ran all the way back to his apartment, sprinting up the stairs and entering his apartment. He coughed a few times as his lungs strained for breath, and he walked to his bathroom.

Reid held the vials out over the sink. He needed to just dump the drug down the drain. Get it out of his life again.

But Reid couldn’t seem to make himself do it.

He didn’t want to take the drugs anymore; he didn’t even want to look at them. They filled him with so much shame and self-hate, he couldn’t even believe he’d purchased them.

But for some reason, he couldn’t get rid of them.

Grunting in anger, Reid walked to his bedroom. He opened his sock drawer, grabbing an old pair that he barely used anymore, and shoved the vials in there. He then jammed the socks as far back in the drawer as he possibly could.

Taking off his hoodie, Reid threw it on the ground before burying himself under the covers once more. There was something terrifying yet comforting about having the drugs so close. Knowing that he’d beat them, not allowing the craving for them to take him over tonight.

Exhaustion creeped through his body, weighing down his limbs. He curled on his side, letting his eyes shut.

He’d beat his demon today. Even if he didn’t feel like the case was a win, this counted as one.

Right?

Chapter Text

S6 E18

Reid stood before her gravestone in shock.

His face was wet, tears and rain running down his face, hair sticking to his forehead.

It had been a week since they’d buried her, but Reid had been by the cemetery every day.

The team had been given two weeks off, but Reid would’ve almost preferred it if they hadn’t. He would’ve rather had a case to focus on, rather than his worsening depression.

At least his migraines had calmed down.

They were still there, head constantly pounding in one way or another, bright light and loud noises still causing him to flinch. But they hadn’t been as debilitating since they’d gotten back from the trip to Miami.

Wiping his face, Reid pulled his coat around him tighter, attempting to calm the shivers that were wracking his body. He knew he should probably leave, go inside and warm himself before he caught a cold.

But he didn’t care.

His mind was empty, his body felt numb. He’d barely eaten or slept since they’d lost Prentiss. He also hadn’t bothered contacting anyone else from their team since the funeral, letting his dead cellphone stay uncharged in his abandoned satchel.

Reid didn’t see a point.

What was all this for if they couldn’t protect one another? What was it all for if, in the end, they lost?

He looked down at his feet. Mud caked his converse; you could barely see the white anymore. His eyes shifted upwards towards her tomb where Reid read the familiar words once more.

The letters began fuzzing together as more tears filled his eyes. All he’d been doing the past week was crying, yet it seemed that he’d never run out of tears.

Nothing mattered anymore. Not his job, not his family, not himself. All that shattered the moment Prentiss was lost.

It felt like he had died with Emily.

Rain stopped falling on him abruptly, and his brows furrowed together in confusion. Turning his head, he realized an umbrella was being held over him. Following the arm, Reid eventually saw whom it belonged to; Hotch.

The man was staring at him, worry filling his features. Reid simply turned back to the grave, not saying a word.

He had nothing to say.

Hotch’s arm wrapped around him as the man stepped forwards, joining him in staring at their friend’s grave. The umbrella covered both of them now, but it didn’t really matter as Reid was already soaked to the bone.

Reid wasn’t sure how long they stood there, but neither of them moved until his shivering was becoming increasingly difficult to ignore.

“Spencer.” Hotch said, placing his hand on the nape of his neck. Reid didn’t acknowledge the man, continuing to stare at the gravestone. However, when Hotch began moving, still holding the kid, he robotically moved with him.

Reid’s body was moving, sure, but his mind was not. He was lost, dissociating, from the horrific present they were living in.

It was not till he was shoved into the warm, dry car that he even realized where they were. Or how much he was trembling.

Hotch climbed in the driver’s side, swiftly turning on the vehicle and wordlessly driving away from the cemetery.

Scenery moved past the window quickly, blurring together as Reid’s mind drifted again. He wished he could’ve said goodbye to Emily. He wished they could’ve saved her. He wished that it had been him instead of her.

There were a lot of things he wanted. But none of them could come to pass, he couldn’t go back in time.

Quicker than he realized, Hotch was parking the car in front of Reid’s apartment building. He sat in shock for a moment, surprised that the man hadn’t brought him to his own home.

But, he supposed, it made sense. Hotch had more important things to worry about than dealing with his dumb, broken self.

When Reid finally pulled his eyes away from the building, he realized Hotch was staring at him. Reid attempted a smile, whispering an almost inaudible ‘thank you’, before moving to leave.

Except Hotch caught his arm before he could.

“Spencer,” The man spoke firmly, “what do you need? How can I help?”

Reid’s jaw clenched as his brain supplied his mind with an answer.

He needed his sister back.

But that wasn’t a sufficient answer.

“I’ll be fine Hotch. Thanks for the ride.” Reid answered quietly, his voice cracking from sadness and underuse. Before he could try and move again, though, Hotch spoke once more.

“I’ve seen you at the cemetery every day this week.” He stated. Reid froze, his eyes darting away from the man to avoid eye contact. He dipped his head in shame. “I know you’re struggling Reid. I know you’re trying to protect yourself by shutting us all out. But the only way we can get through this is if we stay together.”

Reid felt his vision blur once more, so instead of letting the tears build he simply shut his eyes. He didn’t want Hotch to see him so broken like this. That’s why he’d been avoiding them all. He knew he was the weakest of the group; he knew that he wouldn’t be good at comforting someone else. But he didn’t want someone who was in the same position as him, feeling sorrier for him.

He didn’t deserve anymore pity or help than anyone else.

If anything, he deserved less.

If he’d been better, if he’d connected the dots sooner, they could’ve saved her. Reid had known something was going on with her. She’d been picking her fingernails and was jumpier than usual.

But he’d been ignorant, assuming she’d be okay.

He’d been selfish, focusing on his migraine problem over her obvious distress.

And now, she was dead.

Hotch’s hand squeezed his arm, pulling him back to the present. Reid opened his eyes but refused to look at the man, choosing to stare down at his muddy shoes once more.

The hand disappeared from his arm, and he felt the car rock slightly as a door was opened. It slammed and a few seconds later the one he was next to opened as well.

Hotch’s hand reached around his body, unbuckling him from his seat. The man then grabbed his shoulder, shaking it slightly, attempting to snap him out of the trance he’d fallen into.

“Spencer? Come on, let’s get you inside, you’re soaking wet.”

Reid clenched his jaw, swallowing the lump in his throat before nodding. He kept his eyes and head bowed but managed to climb out of the car with a little help from the older agent.

The two of them made their way across the street and into the building quickly, trying to avoid getting soaked again.

Hotch led Reid up the stairs, grabbing the spare set of keys from his pocket to open his apartment door.

If Reid were more coherent, he would’ve thought how curious it was that Hotch happened to have those on him, almost as if the man had come out in order to retrieve him that day.

Instead, he simply stepped into his very dark apartment.

All the windows were blacked out and lights were off. They had been for months. Ever since his first few migraines, he only turned on the lights when he absolutely had to. Otherwise, he lived in the darkness.

Kicking off his shoes haphazardly, Reid rubbed his eyes in exhaustion.

Hotch began grabbing his sodden jacket off his body, hanging it on a hook for him. The man began searching for a light, but Reid began moving towards the kitchen.

He needed a cup of coffee.

He made his way expertly through the dark, maneuvering to the coffee maker. It had been so long since he’d had his lights on, he no longer needed them. He’d memorized the layout of everything, there was no reason to waste electricity.

That’s probably why he hissed in shock when Hotch finally found the overhead light switch.

Reid’s hand covered his eyes quickly, feeling as though an ice pick was hitting his skull. His headache was making itself known, and stomach began churning.

“Reid, are you okay?”

“Can you please t-turn that off?” he whimpered.

A few seconds later, the overhead light went out, but the warm light of one of his lamps was still on. He slowly moved his hand off his face, eyes adjusting to the light. He’d still prefer the darkness, but the lamp wasn’t assaulting his eyes as much, so he decided he’d allow it.

For the first time since they’d been in the car, Reid looked at Hotch’s face.

He man was utterly in shock, and it wasn’t all that hard to figure out why. His apartment was a complete mess, even more so than the last time he’d fallen into a depressive state.

Clutter hadn’t been a problem until now since he’d been living in darkness for months on end. Plus, it’s not like he’d been having company.

Not wanting to go through the effort of making coffee, Reid grabbed an apple juice out of the fridge instead. Unscrewing the top, he leaned against the counter, glancing back at the older man.

Squinting against the light Hotch was standing besides, he watched the man survey the whole room.

When Hotch finally pulled his eyes off the chaos, Reid could see the confusion and concern written all over the man’s face.

“What the hell happened? This can’t all be from one week…” Hotch started, unsure of what to ask.

“Oh, it’s been like this a few months…” Reid stated, offering no more information. He really didn’t want to get into this.

But, it seemed, he didn’t really have a choice.

“Your headache that you had in Miami… it was more than that, wasn’t it?”

Reid choked on his drink in surprise. Did Emily tell him?

Before Reid could even ask, Hotch answered him, “Reid, I’m a profiler, I just can’t believe I didn’t see it until now.” The man paused, looking around at the mess again, “You’ve been on edge for months, jumping, flinching away from light and noise, volunteering to stay out of the field, it all makes sense now. I hadn’t put it together, but it’s so obvious-”

“I’m not crazy.” Reid interrupted, fear filling his heart. Hotch knew about his genetic history, he knew he was going through some sort of schizophrenic break. He was going to end up just like his poor mother, stuck in a home. He wouldn’t be able to take care of himself, the mind he treasured so much would deteriorate slowly and they’d all watch it happen. Just like he’d watched his mom. Then, just like he had, they’d all leave.

Though the doctors said it was psychosomatic, Reid knew that couldn’t be it, and now Hotch was going to agree with him. Guilt and fear gripped his heart, and he knew that his whole reality was going to come crumbling down--

“Spencer, BREATHE!” The man was holding his arms tightly, keeping him grounded. Reid hadn’t realized that he was beginning to hyperventilate until the man had shaken him from his trance.

He felt tears track down his face and Reid closed his eyes, dipping his head in shame, breath catching in his throat. His breathing slowed but he instead began to sob, emotions taking over him again.

His superior pulled him into a tight hug, gripping his head affectionately with one of his hands. Reid tucked his face into the man’s neck, silently weeping. Hotch rubbed his back, letting him get his emotions out.

The two stood silently for a few minutes before Reid’s tears began to cease. Soon he was simply standing in the man’s arms, appreciating their warmth, hoping the moment would never end so he wouldn’t have to face reality.

But it couldn’t last forever.

Hotch let go of him when he was certain the tears had stopped, and Reid reluctantly stepped away, keeping his head bowed. Hotch grabbed Reid’s hand, pulling him over to the couch and sitting him down.

Reid bit his lip anxiously. He knew what conversation they were about to have, and he’d been avoiding it for a long time.

“What’s going on, Reid? Really?”

Taking a deep breath, he glanced up at the man for a split second before lowering his eyes once more.

He couldn’t deal with eye contact right now.

“I don’t know.” Reid whispered truthfully. When Hotch didn’t speak, he took that as a sign to continue. “I’ve been to a few doctors and all of them say I’m fine.”

“Is it just headaches?”

“They’re more like really intense migraines,” Reid answered, “every light is too bright, and every noise is too loud. They last days at a time and still they never truly go away. I haven’t had a really bad one since Miami, but I still always feel like my head got smashed against concrete.”

He clenched his jaw, fiddling with his hands as he thought of what else to say.

“You’re scared it’s a schizophrenic break?” Hotch asked apprehensively.

Reid nodded, “all my doctors say I’m fine, that its psychosomatic due to stress from work but that can’t be it! There has to be something else! There has to be something more that explains it…” he trailed off, closing his eyes. “This is the prime age for a break, and I’m just s-scared,” he choked over his words, but continued, “that one day I’ll w-wake up and I won’t know who I am.”

Hotch touched Reid’s jaw, lifting his face upwards. His eyes flicked open, making eye contact with Hotch.

“It’s gunna be okay.” He stated firmly, and Reid almost believed him. “Have you talked to anyone else about this?”

Reid’s eyes dropped, “Emily” he whispered, voice breaking.

“Did she ever come with you to an appointment or anything?”

Reid shook his head. “I didn’t tell her until after Miami… after they started getting better. I’d already seen a bunch by then, I haven’t gone to anyone else since.”

“Reid, you should’ve said something, I would’ve come with you.”

Reid shook his head again, looking downwards, “I couldn’t do that to you.”

“Do what to me?”

“Make you deal with doctor’s appointments and all my bullshit.”

“Spencer, it’s not bullshit.” Hotch promised. “Your feelings are valid, it’s understandable that you’re frightened. I would be too. But you forget that you have a family that loves and cares about you. That wants to help you.”

Reid sniffed, nodding slightly. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, just… please, let me help you.” Hotch pleaded.

Looking back at the man, Reid saw nothing but sincerity and love on his face. He nodded, biting his lip. Hotch leaned forwards, giving him a swift hug once more, before backing away.

“You should probably take a shower, warm yourself up. I’ll make us some dinner.” Hotch said, standing up.

Reid suddenly realized how much he was trembling from the cold. He was still soaked to the bone from the rain outside. Nodding, he too stood up, sluggishly making his way to his bathroom.

Closing the door, Reid flicked on the light, flinching at the brightness. He quickly stripped out of his drenched clothing, hopping in the warm shower. Immediate relief flooded over him as the hot water hit him, thawing his frozen skin.

He stood for a long while, appreciating the heat, before he began moving again. Reid washed his hair and made his way out of the shower.

Throwing on a towel, he quickly made his way through the cold hallway, avoiding the gaze of Hotch, and entered his room. Reid threw on some soft pajamas and towel dried his hair as much as he could before exiting his room.

Hotch had made soup for the two of them, one of the few food items Reid had in his cabinets. He’d always been reluctant to stock up too much since they were gone all the time, but now more than ever his pantry seemed barren.

Luckily, Hotch didn’t comment on it, though that didn’t mean he wouldn’t later.

The two of them ate in a comfortable silence, and Reid managed to finish his bowl which Hotch was clearly happy about.

It wasn’t long before Reid felt himself begin to crash. He’d only grabbed a few hours of sleep here and there the last couple days, and he hadn’t slept well since before his headaches had begun.

But he always slept better with Hotch around, that was one thing he knew for sure.

Hotch dragged his half-awake self to the bedroom, depositing him under the covers. He then climbed in next to Reid pulling him close.

Reid immediately leaned towards the man’s warmth, placing his head on his chest. Hotch absentmindedly played with his hair, hoping it would help lull him to sleep.

Smiling lazily, Reid wrapped an arm around Hotch’s torso, feeling protected. He knew that, even if he was awoken by nightmares tonight, the man would be there for him, and that was comforting.

Somewhat contently, Reid managed to drift off to a dreamless slumber for the first time in months, thankful that Hotch was watching over him.

Chapter Text

S6 EXTRA

Reid stared at his ceiling.

Silence blanketed the whole apartment, apart from his ragged breaths.

He’d awoken from another nightmare over an hour ago, the loss of his friend still weighing heavily on his soul.

Reid was struggling.

He’d lost interest in most all of his hobbies, barely able to drag himself out of bed to go to work. When he was at work, he fully threw himself into each and every case, distracting himself from his dark reality. When he forced to go home, he was at the mercy his subconscious, constantly reliving the days leading up to Prentiss’s murder.

He knew the whole team had lost someone, but everyone else seemed to be doing better than him.

Somehow, Hotch and JJ seemed to be keeping themselves together the best. Rossi didn’t seem incredibly fazed anymore, and Morgan and Garcia were working through it together.

Hotch had been glued to Reid’s side for a few days, making sure he was eating and sleeping, helping him with his headaches.

But, unsurprisingly, that couldn’t last forever.

Eventually Reid managed to convince Hotch that he was doing better, and the man stopped hovering over him so much.

That’s when the nightmares started.

Suddenly, the loss of Hotch by his side was causing him to spiral even further. But Reid knew they were all struggling and didn’t want to keep Hotch from his son for any longer.

Reid rolled onto his side, glancing at his side table. The clock told him it was just past three in the morning. He let out a sigh, before pushing himself upwards. Rubbing the exhaustion out of his eyes, Reid swung his legs over the side of his bed, preparing to stand.

He did so dizzily, world immediately shifting to the side and legs shaking. Grabbing the side table, he was able to stabilize himself and keep from falling over.

When the world stopped spinning, his gaze traveled to the top drawer of his dresser. His sock drawer. Reid knew what was hidden at the back of it, and it was calling his name.

Groggily, he made his way to the drawer, dragging it open slowly. He reached his arm to the back until he felt the hard object, softened by his wool sock. Reid picked it up, slowly grabbing the two vials out of the sock.

Reid’s eyes read the label once more.

‘Dilauded’.

Biting his lip, he felt the longing in his chest multiply. He craved the drug, he wanted nothing more than to inject himself and let his mind succumb to numbness.

He didn’t want to feel anything anymore.

The drug would grant that wish, for a little while anyways.

Suddenly, his heart began beating rapidly and breath picked up. He scrambled to his bathroom, bumping into the door on the way.

Reid opened one of his cabinets, searching for a needle. He’d gotten rid of most of them years ago, but he remembered keeping one in a secret spot. He dug through one of his bags, smiling when he found the single sterile needle.

Mouth practically watering from the carving, he quickly ripped open the seal. With shaking hands, Reid uncapped the needle, before quickly sticking it through the rubber seal on the top of the vial.

He began drawing the liquid drug into the syringe, pulling up a little more than he’d normally take. The logical part of his brain told him it was too much, that it would kill him, but his mind pushed those thoughts away.

All that mattered was getting the drug in his system.

Licking his lips, Reid quickly placed the vial on the ground, before flipping the needle. He flicked it a few times, dislodging bubbles, before pushing a small bit out the tip.

With one hand, he grabbed the belt he’d left on the floor earlier and awkwardly wrapped it around his arm. He pulled it tight, cutting off the circulation, and waited for a vein to begin to pop.

As Reid waited in agony, he stared down at the crook of his elbow. Old track marks littered his arm, but they’d finally started to fade away. There were few other scars from when he’d accidently scratched himself until he bled, but they, too, were fading.

His brain suddenly seemed to turn itself back on, and Reid realized with horror what he was about to do.

He remembered how horribly he treated his friends, how horribly he treated Emily, when he was on the drug years ago. He remembered how he snapped at her, how he pushed them all away, and how he’d almost died because of it.

The needle dropped to the floor and Reid pushed himself away from it. He undid the belt from his arm, throwing it across the bathroom before curling into a ball.

He was so ashamed of himself. He knew how disappointed his team would be at him for this. Not only was he putting himself at risk, but he was putting all their jobs at stake as well.

The world began spinning once more and he felt tears fill his eyes, quickly spilling over. Nausea overwhelmed him and he unexpectedly found himself vomiting into the toilet.

He dry heaved for a few minutes, not having much in his system to bring up. When the cramping in his stomach subsided, he leaned back against the cold wall, ignoring the wetness of his face.

The walls started to close in on him, oxygen started to lessen. He needed to get out of his apartment.

Reid quickly stood, ignoring the needle and vials on the ground, stepping over the belt he’d flung.

He grabbed his coat, sprinting out of his apartment. He ran down the stairs, desperately needing to be outside.

The frigid air caused him to shiver almost immediately, but he just kept sprinting away from his apartment. He blindly ran through the streets, not paying attention to where he was headed or to how long he ran. Tears ran down his face and he raggedly breathed in the cold air.

After a while, his lungs began to suffer. Ever since he’d had anthrax, he hadn’t done too well with any strenuous activity in cold weather. His alveoli had been too scarred by the bacteria, and the cold only amplified the symptoms.

Reid found himself coming to a stop a few minutes later, keeling over and coughing roughly into his arm. His chest ached and his head was beginning to pound once more. He realized how hard he was shivering now that he was standing still and knew that he needed to get back to his apartment if he didn’t want to get frostbite.

For the first time since he sprinted out of his apartment, Reid looked around to see where he was. He didn’t recognize the area, but he knew that if he found a corner the street names would allow him to locate himself via his mental map.

Rubbing his eyes and taking a shallow breath, he began sluggishly moving towards the nearest corner. When he could finally make out the words, his brows shot up in surprise.

He was on JJ’s street.

Reid didn’t want to just show up at her house in the middle of the night, but he was pretty far away from his apartment and wasn’t sure he could make it back.

Sighing, he started down the road towards her house.

It wasn’t more than two minutes before he was standing on JJ’s doorstep, contemplating whether he should knock or leave. He really didn’t want to bother her and Will, especially not at almost four in the morning, but he was about to pass out on her steps.

Taking a deep breath, Reid rose his hand and knocked.

Much quicker than he expected, JJ opened the door. It didn’t look like she’d even been asleep, she was dressed for work and the lights in the kitchen were on.

She was clearly confused and concerned at his appearance at her door.

“Spence… what… are you okay?”

With that, Reid felt the damn break. Tears began flowing uncontrollably and he bowed his head in shame. He felt her arms grab him, pulling him into her house.

His body was trembling from the cold, but he felt immediate relief as he stepped into the heat. After she closed the door behind him, she reached out to him, pulling him into a tight hug.

He instantly leaned into her warmth, crying into her shoulder. She rubbed his back, shushing him as he wept.

They stood for a while like that, JJ letting Reid cry on her shoulder, allowing him to express his grief. Eventually, though, the tears began to slow as he got a grip on his emotions.

Sniffing, Reid let go of JJ, backing out of the embrace. Wordlessly, she grabbed his hand, leading him towards the kitchen table. She placed him in a seat and then took the one next to him.

Reid finally looked up at her, sure he looked fairly pathetic. She was staring at him with anxious eyes, silently pleading with him to speak.

“I’m s-so s-sorry, JJ” he choked out, looking at his hands. “I just kinda ended up over here…”

“Was this another one of your… late night walks?” she asked curiously. The whole team had learned about his habit for wandering the night rather than sleeping after Alaska, and none of them had been too happy about it.

Reid shrugged, “Kinda…” he trailed off, not wanting to explain what had triggered it. He wasn’t sure he could overcome his shame for almost taking dilauded again, but the team finding out about it would make it even worse.

“Spence, is it your headaches? Or is it just… Em?... or both?” she questioned. Hotch must’ve told her about his headaches, because he hadn’t mentioned them to her before. He hadn’t really seen her at all the past few weeks since she didn't work at the BAU anymore.

He shrugged again, not committing to any one cause.

“What do you need? How can I help?” she placed a hand on his arm, rubbing it affectionately.

Biting his lip, Reid shook his head, not knowing what he needed. He felt like he was a lost cause. “I just… I d-don’t think it’s safe for me to be a-alone right now” he said, keeping his eyes downcast. That was probably as close to the truth as he could get at the moment.

“Okay.” JJ said simply, patting his shoulder. She stood, walking into the kitchen. Reid watched as she placed a kettle on the stove and a tiny smile appeared on his face.

She knew that tea helped to calm him down.

Reid watched in silence for a few minutes as she made the two of them some chamomile tea. He wiped the tears from his face attempting to compose himself somewhat.

When the tea was ready, she added a sugar cube to his mug before setting it in front of him. Immediately, Reid wrapped his frozen hands around the cup, sighing in relief.

JJ pulled her chair a little closer to Reid, knocking her knees against him affectionately. He smirked at her before taking a sip of his tea. The warmth immediately spread through his body, and his shivers finally subsided.

The two sat, sipping tea and enjoying one another’s company. Reid felt content sitting with JJ, his worries forgotten, if not for a moment.

“How’s Henry been?” Reid asked in a small voice, breaking the silence.

JJ smiled and quickly began filling him in on Henry’s most recent endeavors. They filled him with joy, slowly ridding his body of the darkness.

When his cup had been emptied and body thoroughly thawed, Reid found himself suppressing yawns. It didn’t take long for JJ to notice, and she dragged him over to her couch.

He began arguing with her about going home to which she reminded him that he himself had said he shouldn’t be alone tonight. There was really no way he could convince her otherwise.

Laying on the couch, Reid’s eyes were growing heavy. JJ had turned on the TV to some random movie, and she was running her hands through his short, curly hair.

He didn’t remember shutting his eyes, but it wasn’t long before he found himself dropping into a slumber.

Before he was fully asleep, Reid thought about how lucky he’d been tonight.

He wasn’t sure what entity had been watching over him, stopping him from making the grave mistake of injecting himself with dilauded once more, but he was thankful for it.

He was also thankful that, somehow, he’d ended up at JJ’s, and that she was there for him. He was grateful that they had each other’s backs, and that they were able to help each other through this, even if it had seemed fairly one-sided tonight.

Reid had gone so long without people he could trust, without family who could truly help him. But regardless of how long he’d been alone, he was thankful that, now, finally, he had people he could count on.

He had a family he could trust.

He needed to open up to them so that he would make it through his grief without succumbing to his depression. So that he could continue living, just as Prentiss would’ve wanted him to.

As he drifted off, Reid promised himself that he’d do just that.

For Emily.

Chapter Text

S6 E19

Heart pounding against his chest, Reid shared a look with Hotch. They just watched two children close the curtains in house they were standing in front of.

That must be where the unsub was hiding.

“I think we’ve got something at 2218” Hotch whispered into his microphone, nodding at Reid to follow him around back.

The back door was ajar, it must’ve been left unlocked by the poor family that was inside. Hotch pulled out his gun, quietly walking inside.

Yelling was echoing through the house, the unsub seemingly having a one-sided conversation. Reid cringed as the noise made his ears ring but tried to ignore it. He silently crept down the hallway, following his superior, gun held tight in his hands.

“Ben, drop the knife” Hotch stated, unwavering. Reid watched as the man turned around, knife clutched in his shaking palm. The terrified children were being held close to him, but the unsub didn’t look like he wanted to hurt them, it looked like he craved relief of some sort.

Reid could handle that.

“Just shoot me.” The unsub whispered, fear lacing his voice.

Morgan and Seaver appeared behind him, surrounding the man. Reid stepped out from behind Hotch, hoping this could end without someone getting killed.

“Ben we’re not gunna shoot you, but we do need you to put down that knife, okay?” Reid inched closer to the unsub, who’s knife was now trained on him, and tucked his gun away.

He could see the concerned glances coming from his colleagues, but he ignored them.

“Alright, where are the other people in this room, Ben?”

“Right there, you see him?!” The man stated, looking slightly off to Reid’s left.

“Right here?” Reid asked, shifting left slightly, “Were they there for the exorcism?”

“Mmhmm,” the unsub nodded, “I didn’t kill them though, I didn’t do it!... and I’m not lying!!” He shouted, jabbing the knife in Reid’s direction.
Reid tried his hardest not to flinch backwards, standing his ground instead. There was still about a foot between him and the unsub, and Morgan and Hotch both had guns trained toward the man.

“Ben, they’re dead and they can’t hurt you anymore.” Hotch stated.

“They can.”

“No Ben, your mind is playing tricks on you. Once you get help it’ll all stop.” Morgan promised.

The unsub was looking around wildly now, unsure of who to believe. He once again turned to face Reid pointing his knife at him.

“Yes, you are!” the man yelled at his imagined demons behind Reid. “Yeah, okay. Alright I killed you, I set the fire.” He said to them again, eyes looking down at the ground in shame.

Reid watched as the man began unraveling in front of them. He understood what that felt like, he pitied the man.

“Ben, listen to us, it’s okay,” Morgan started, “we’re gunna get you a doctor’s help. I promise you that.”

“No!” He yelled, panting, “the only—the only way you can help me is if you do it… if you kill me.”

“Ben that’s not true,” Reid spoke up for the first time in a while, understanding the unsub’s pain, “Listen, the only way we can help you is if you take that knife and you slowly put it on the ground.”

“Are you sure that’ll work?” The unsub asked.

Reid’s brows furrowed; did he say something weird? “Oh, I’m absolutely sure Ben, put that knife down, okay?”

“Okay. It’s okay, go on.” The unsub let go of the kid’s letting them run towards Morgan. Reid saw the man lower his weapon, gathering the children up to leave.

Reid took a step forwards, arms up in surrender as the man slowly began lowering the knife. Reaching his hand out, he went to grab it out of his hands.

But he was too slow.

A gunshot rang out. Pain blossomed down the left part of Reid’s body and he fell backwards onto the floor. He felt his back impact with the lip of the fireplace, but the pain in his arm was much stronger than his potentially bruised back.

A strangled noise made its way out of his throat when someone began applying pressure to the wound. Reid opened his eyes, which he hadn’t realized were closed, and saw a blurry looking Hotch and Morgan kneeling over him.

“Kid, kid! Stay with us now.”

Reid panted heavily, trying to adjust to the pain. It emanated from his collar bone all the way down to his elbow. The unsub must’ve sliced him with the knife he’d been holding.

Considering the agony radiating from his bicep, that must be where the knife cut deepest. That was also where Hotch’s hands were pushing down the most, and Reid could feel his heartbeat against the wound.

“Shit.” Reid said breathily “y-you guys ‘kay?” he asked, clenching his jaw in agony.

Both Hotch and Morgan smirked, sharing a look with each other.

Reid shook his head in confusion, “w-what?”

“You just got slashed with a knife by an unsub and you’re asking if we’re okay?”

“Well… ‘re you?”

“YES! Yes kid, we’re fine. You, on the other hand, are not.” Morgan stated.

Reid closed his eyes in relief, shaking his head, “I’ve had worse.” He gulped back nausea that was starting to make an appearance. He was not about to puke from a knife wound right now.

“Yeah, you have kid. You need to stop putting yourself in situations where unsubs can stab or drown you so easily.”

“kept my Kevlar on…” Reid argued with little strength.

“Yeah, this time.” Hotch dismissed. “Morgan’s right, I’ll ground your ass if you keep getting hurt like this.”

“Ground me?” Reid asked, pulling his eyes open again. They felt heavier than they had a few minutes ago.

Hotch smiled, patting Reid’s cheek lightly, “Desk duty.”

Groaning, Reid let his eyes fall shut again. He wanted to rebuttal against the man, but strength was leaving his body quickly.

Probably from blood loss.

And pain.

His body was beginning to shake uncontrollably, but he didn’t feel cold. The pain seemed to be ebbing away and his ears were filling themselves with cotton.

Shock must be setting in.

Reid heard the pounding of feet on the floor and voices coming from the hallway.

Not long after, hands began probing his body and weight lifted off his wound. Someone lifted him into more of a sitting position and Reid let his head lull limply against his chest.

He simply didn’t have the energy to stay fully conscious.

The Velcro from his vest was loudly ripped apart and the Kevlar removed from his chest. Hands unbuttoned his shredded shirt and ripped it off the left side of his body.

Reid could feel the sticky blood dripping down his arm and cringed when someone (paramedics?) immediately began stitching him up.

He began floating through an uncomfortable daze, trying to stay awake but also wanting to fall unconscious. He wished he could have some anesthesia, but he knew no one on his team would ever allow it to be administered to him.

Not that he’d want it anyways, not with his recent… almost slip up.

It wasn’t until he felt his arm being wrapped that Reid had the strength to open his eyes once more.

The person propping him in an upright position seemed to be Morgan, as his strong arm was currently wrapped around Reid’s partially bare chest.

He weakly lifted his head, glancing towards his arm. It was wrapped in gauze from his elbow to his collar bone. The paramedics were currently putting a sling around his neck, probably to keep him from moving too much and popping his stitches.

“Back with us, kid?” Morgan asked from behind Reid in a soft voice.

Reid nodded, not having the energy to speak.

When the paramedics finally finished up, they stood to leave, taking the unsub with them. The man had sustained a minor gunshot wound and needed to go to the hospital.

Luckily, somehow, Reid had avoided a trip there. He was thankful for that.

Morgan helped pull him upright, allowing Reid to lean heavily against the man. He hadn’t lost too much blood, but it was definitely enough that Reid noticed. His body was still shaking from the pain and shock, and he felt the sutures in his arm shift, causing his stomach to flip.

The world spun as the two walked to the SUV parked outside. Morgan was dragging Reid more and more, but, fortunately, Hotch appeared on his other side, assisting as well.

When Reid finally made it to the car, he let his eyes shut in exhaustion. He just needed to rest his eyes for a bit. The noise around him seemed to fade and, quickly, Reid lost the battle to fatigue.

~

When Reid came to once more, he was laying on the couch in the BAU jet. He blurrily opened his eyes in confusion, not remembering boarding in the first place.

The lights were dimmed as everyone slept, exhausted after their case. Light snores and white noise were the only sounds echoing through the cabin, putting Reid at ease.

Deciding he’d probably slept enough, Reid decided he should try to sit up. However, shifting caused the sutures in his arm to pull, resulting in him swearing under his breath.

Morgan was at his side in a second.

“Woah kid, you okay?” he asked, concerned. The man had one arm on his uninjured side, steadying him, and another gently placed around his wounds. Reid looked up at Morgan, giving the man a small smile.

He nodded, “I’m fine, Morgan.” His voice was gravely from sleep and Reid rubbed his eyes with his good arm.

The man made his way on the couch next to Reid, sitting him up and sliding a protective arm around him. He immediately relaxed against Morgan’s touch, grateful to have the man by his side.

A comfortable silence fell around them once more, Reid appreciative of his brother’s company. He let himself lean against Morgan’s who, in return, tightened his careful grip. Staring at the dark sky outside the window, his mind began wandering.

He’d been doing better recently, though the depression still had a grip on him.

It always would.

But he’d managed to flush the dilauded down the drain and had only made a few more trips over to JJ’s crying.

The headaches seemed to be more under control, though they still persisted to a lesser degree, and he was trying his best to be open with his team members.

For Emily.

“I’m glad you talked to me yesterday,” Morgan blurted out of nowhere, almost as if he’d been reading Reid’s mind, “you know I’ll always be there for you, right? You don’t have to hide your emotions.”

Reid gulped, nodding. “I know” he whispered, “thank you.”

“And if you’re having a migraine, or just a bad day, we can help you. You can take time off, you know that, right?” Morgan asked, laughter in his voice.

Reid smirked awkwardly, “yeah, I know. It’s just…. Hard. To a-ask for help, you know?” He bit his lip, careful of his words. “I’m still not used to… you know…” Reid trailed off, not wanting to continue his train of thought.

But Morgan saw right through it.

“Having people who care about you? Who want to help you?”

Reid nodded, gnawing his lip and avoiding eye contact with the man. Sure, it had been years since he’d joined the BAU, but he wasn’t sure he’d ever be used to having people to confide in. He’d been self-reliant for so long, it just seemed… awkward.

“Well,” Morgan started, pulling Reid even closer to his chest, “one day we’ll get it into that brain of yours that we’re here… We always will be.”

Reid smiled, his worries washing away.

For a moment, he was content. He was safe.

He was with his family.

That’s all he could ask for, for now.

Chapter Text

S6 EXTRA

Gun pointed at the ground; Reid raced through the dense forest.

Crunching leaves and heaving lungs were the only sounds echoing through the woods as he and his teammates raced towards the supposed location of the victim.

Her name was Charlotte Emmerson. She had midnight black hair and was last seen wearing a red long sleeve shirt and black jeans. She was only 20 years old, kidnapped right off the University of Nevada Reno campus five days ago.

The good news was that the BAU had been called in and managed to apprehend her captor yesterday.

The bad news was that he’d refused to give away her location until an hour ago, and she might already be dead from starvation or the elements.

“I left her to die in the woods, that whore” the unsub had scoffed at Reid. He spoke as though she was nothing more than a piece of garbage he was disposing of, but, luckily, his use of the present tense indicated that he hadn’t already murdered her.

She still had a chance.

When they’d finally pulled a more exact location out of him, Morgan, Hotch, and Reid jumped in the SUV and raced towards the site. But they could only go so far in a vehicle.

Hence their current run through the forest.

Reid panted, sprinting as fast as he could behind Hotch and Morgan. His previously damaged lungs strained, and he wished now more than ever that he hadn’t been infected with anthrax a few years ago.

Despite his impaired lungs, Reid managed to stay fairly close to the two men. They had someone more important to save anyways, no time to stop and catch his breath.

Light began filtering through the woods more and more as they reached a clearing. When they left the tree line, they immediately spotted her.

Charlotte was hanging by her wrists, limp, from the only tree in the whole clearing. From this distance, it wasn’t obvious whether she was still breathing or not.

The three men ran to her, Morgan immediately cutting the ropes to free her from the tree. He caught her, gently lowering her to the ground.

Hotch called the life flight paramedics who were on standby to fly in and take her to a hospital, since the ambulance couldn’t get to their location.

While the other two men started on their tasks, Reid found himself frozen on the spot, unable to move.

She looked so much like Prentiss.

Her hair, her skin, the shape of her face, all of her features resembled Prentiss in an uncanny fashion. And here she was, lying motionless on the ground, barely breathing, barely alive.

This must’ve been what Prentiss had looked like on that table in the hospital.

When they’d lost her.

Hotch had joined Morgan in trying to rouse her, making sure she was still breathing, but Reid couldn’t get himself to move. He couldn’t unfreeze.

His body began quivering and breath sped up uncontrollably.

Unconsciously he knew now was not the time for a panic attack, the girl’s life was at stake! But Reid couldn’t control it, he couldn’t stop it from happening.

But he could hang on until the helicopter arrived.

Ripping himself from where he’d been glued, Reid unsteadily strode towards the other two agents. He collapsed on the ground next to Hotch, trying to avert his eyes from the still body in front of him.

His hands clenched into fists in an attempt to stop the shaking, but to no avail. Thankfully, though, neither Morgan nor Hotch seemed to notice his distress.

The three of them waited in agony for the helicopter to arrive. Luckily, since they’d known a general location, it only took about ten minutes for them to arrive.

Their timing was spectacular, as, when they landed, Charlotte began to seize.

The paramedics pushed the agents out of the way, clearing the path to the woman’s shaking body. They held her as she seized, keeping her from further injuring herself, and waited it out.

Reid felt his breath begin to speed up as, in his eyes, he seemed to be watching Prentiss seize. He felt as though he was watching his deceased friend’s death, and it made him feel sick.

His vision began to blur, and spots of darkness filled his view. It seemed like people around him were yelling, but everything sounded fuzzy and muffled. Not enough oxygen was making it to his brain, he was breathing too fast. Reid hadn’t noticed how far into a panic attack he’d fallen, but now it was too late to scrape himself out.

Reid had full body shakes now, and he felt his legs suddenly give out. His chest ached he couldn’t seem to fill his lungs.

There was no more oxygen in the air.

Arms wrapped around him tightly, grounding him. He felt the person’s exaggerated breaths but couldn’t seem to match them. His lungs simply weren’t functional anymore.

The sight of a dying Prentiss seemed to be etched into his vision and suddenly her death seemed even more real and agonizing than it had recently. His quaking body managed to wrap into a tight ball as he attempted to shield himself from the harsh reality before his eyes.

Reid’s whole body was in pain. His chest burned and lungs ached, and his muscled were exhausted.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed before he began to imitate the person’s exaggerated breaths, but it felt like ages.

Very slowly, he began catching his breath again, exhaustion hitting him like a truck. His body still quaked, but not as severely as it had been, and his hearing seemed to return to him.

Reid noticed that someone was whispering words of encouragement in his ear once the ringing had subsided enough. There was also a hand rubbing his back and another wrapped around his waist.

He let himself slowly relax into the person, though his body was still trembling. His arms unwrapped from their tight position against his own body, letting himself gather a larger breath.

Reid buried his face against the person’s shirt, letting the wetness on his cheeks get wiped dry.

“Are you back with me again Spencer?” Hotch’s voice whispered next to Reid’s ear.

So that’s who was holding him, Reid wasn’t super surprised by that.

He nodded into Hotch’s chest who, at the conformation, released him from the tight grip he had.

Reid opened his eyes, looking up at Hotch blurrily. The man looked concerned, and he clearly wanted to discuss what just happened.

Reid didn’t.

“Where’s Morgan?” Reid asked in a gritty voice, diverting the subject.

Hotch saw right through his plan but went with it anyways, “He went on the helicopter with the girl.”

Reid nodded, averting his gaze. He reached a trembling hand to his face, rubbing his forehead. His head was pounding from the attack he’d just went though, in fact his whole body was fatigued.

Panic attacks always took it out of him.

“Come on, let’s get you out of here.” Hotch said, unwrapping himself from Reid. He stood quickly, holding out an arm for Reid to take. Gratefully, he took the man’s arm, shakily standing up.

Hotch wordlessly wrapped an arm around Reid, leading him towards the woods that they’d raced through not long ago. The two walked quietly and slowly through the woods, Reid falling into a sort of exhausted trance. Hotch didn’t try to start any conversation, more focused on remembering where they’d came from so they could find the car.

When they did eventually come across the vehicle, Reid was relieved. He collapsed into the passenger seat, body still quivering and lungs still straining from before. Eyes closed, Reid let himself relax, attempting to get himself under control.

They shot open when a cloth was placed on him.

It was a blanket.

He’d forgotten that Hotch usually brought extra blankets and coats with them. Ever since their time in Alaska the team had tried extra hard to make sure Reid wouldn’t under pack and end up shivering all week, like he had that time.

Smiling in thanks, Reid pulled the blanket tight around himself, feeling comforted under the soft cloth.

Hotch started up the car, turning on the heat, but didn’t pull it out of park.

Reid was afraid of this. He really didn’t want to go through what had just happened back there, but he understood that they did need to talk about it.

And it was better to talk about it now, just the two of them, than it would be when the entire team is around.

Taking a deep breath, Reid shifted in his seat so he was more angled towards Hotch. The man was staring at him expectantly and Reid gulped back his anxiety.

“I’m sorry-”

“Spencer, don’t” Hotch cut him off, “It’s not your fault. Just tell me what happened.”

Reid bit his lip, nodding, “She just looked a lot like… Em.” He looked down at his lap, feeling emotion grip his heart. He was not about to cry again, he needed to be strong like the rest of them had been.

“She did.” Hotch confirmed, placing a hand softly on Reid’s shoulder.

“It felt like I was watching Em die again.”

“I know. It’s okay.”

“Sorry.” Reid said wiping a stray tear from his cheek.

“Spencer,” Hotch grabbed him into a hug, “stop apologizing, it’s okay. Morgan and I were just worried about you.”

Reid blushed at this, not realizing that other people had been present when his panic attack had first begun. He buried his face into the man’s neck, hiding his shame.

“It’s okay to be scared and sad. I know how close you and Prentiss were, this isn’t something that you’re going to just get over overnight.”

“You guys seem to be doing okay though. I don’t understand why I’m so weak.” Reid murmured, swallowing the lump in his throat.

Hotch pulled away from the hug, making eye contact with Reid. “We’re not doing okay though, we just all grieve in different ways. You’re not weak, Spencer, and you’re not alone. We’ll get through this.”

Reid nodded, pushing himself back into a hug again. He appreciated the comfort that was given to him and tried not to take it for granted.

He was happy to be with someone who cared about him so much and, for now, that was enough.

Chapter Text

S7 E2

PT 1

“Are you gunna go to Rossi’s tomorrow?”

“We’ll see.”

Prentiss stood, leaving Reid alone in the back of the plane.

He stared at his book without actually reading the words. A pit of anger and betrayal sat burning a hole in his gut.

All he’d wanted was for Prentiss to come back, and now she had.

She was alive.

But Reid was furious. He’d worn his heart on his sleeve, crying his eyes out to JJ for weeks, confiding in her.

And she’d lied to his face.

Hotch had given him counseling, made him trust the man, but he too had lied.

And Emily, oh Emily. She’d done nothing wrong. She’d left them to protect them. She’d almost died for them. Yet Reid didn’t look at her the same way anymore.

He couldn’t look at any of the three of them the same.

Reid thought they were a family, but family doesn’t lie to each other like that. Not when Reid had been so deeply depressed, on the verge of a relapse and noticeably suicidal.

Not when they knew the truth.

He thought back to when he’d almost injected himself with Dilauded, how it was such a stupid mistake to think that any of them cared about him. He should’ve done it.

Reid might not be that desperate for escape anymore, but he knew he couldn’t stay on the team anymore.

He’d never be able to trust them again.

Angrily, he closed his book, biting his lip and glaring out the window. He placed the book on the table, then crossed his arms over his chest.

How stupid he’d been, how naïve. This always happened, people always betrayed him, why would he think this team would be any different?

Clenching his palms into shaking fists, Reid shook his head to himself. He could feel frustrated tears filling his eyes, but he refused to let them fall.

The team would never see him weak again.

Hopefully, he wouldn’t have to deal with them for much longer.

During the hearing, Reid hadn’t requested reinstatement into the FBI. There’d been no point, he no longer felt like he was part of the team anymore. But they brought him back anyways, and he wasn’t sure how to say no.

However, he’d been speaking with a few SSAs in other departments, and was hoping to transfer without anyone finding out.

His jaw clenched and unclenched, attempting to control his anger. If he could keep it under control for a little while longer then he’d be able to let it out on his apartment.

Who cares if it got trashed again? It wouldn’t be the first time since the hearing.

Closing his eyes, Reid let his head fall back against his headrest. He let out a shaky exhale, wrapping his arms around himself even tighter.

Just a little longer.

~

Reid managed to fall asleep the rest of the plane ride, for which he was thankful.

When the overhead lights illuminated the cabin, Reid was the first one to stand, rushing out of the plane before anyone could speak to him.

He wasn’t planning on taking one of the SUVs back to Quantico, he refused to spend any more time with the team. Instead, he rushed down the tarmac, making his way out of the airport and to the nearest bus stop.

Thankfully, he lucked out, arriving right as the bus showed up. Reid stepped onto the vehicle, nose crinkling at the horrible smell emanating from the bus and flinching away from everything.

There were so many germs here.

Quickly, he scanned his pass and moved towards the back of the bus. Hesitantly, he took a seat, trying not to think about who’d sat in the seat before him.

He was gunna have to burn his clothing.

Reid watched the scenery go by, ignoring the few other passengers on the bus. As much as he hated being in such an unsanitary environment, better this than being stuck in a small space with a team he could no longer count on.

He flinched when one of the other passengers coughed, closing his eyes to disguise his horror. Reid attempted to forget about how coughs can travel 50mph and go 19 feet. He tried to disregard the knowledge that airborne pathogens might stay suspended in the air for ten minutes.

The rest of the ride was full of Reid attempting to hold his breath and scoot as far away from the coughing passenger as possible.

When his stop finally came, he practically sprinted off the bus. Gasping for breath, Reid was thankful for the cold air, knowing that it wasn’t stagnant with that person’s cough. After catching his breath, Reid began rushing to his apartment, desperate to get out of his clothing.

He rounded the corner, relieved at the sight of his apartment building. He sprinted, quickly making his way to the lobby, up the stairs, and to his door.

Shaky hands unlocked it and he stepped in quickly. Reid stripped his clothing off right in the living room, disgusted at the germs that were probably covering them. He hurried into the bathroom, jumping into the shower before the water heated up.

He scrubbed his body as hard as he could, trying to clean himself as much as possible. His arms and legs were becoming red and angry, but he kept scrubbing, unaware of the damage he was doing.

Reid fell into a trance, rubbing his forearms, unable to rip his gaze away.

He didn’t notice when the water became tinted pink with blood, or when tears began streaming down his face.

It wasn’t until most of his left forearm was bleeding that he snapped out of it. Blood was sluggishly dripping down his arm, onto the porcelain flooring of his tub.

“Shit” Reid exclaimed, cringing as his arm stung under the stream of water. He quickly turned the water off, stepping out of the shower. Wrapping a towel around his waist, Reid grabbed the first aid kit from under his sink, pulling out the gauze.

Once his arm was bound, Reid pushed his wet hair out of his face, gazing up at the mirror. Anger filled him and his hand unexpectedly slammed against the glass.

Déjà vu filled him as he pulled his fist back, blood speckling the broken mirror and knuckles stinging.

He straightened his back, walking away from his reflection. He threw on sweatpants and a tee-shirt before walking back into his living room.

Reid found himself staring at his bookshelf, rage building up inside of him. His hands clenched and unclenched as he looked at the shelves.

Suddenly, he was swiping everything off them, throwing books onto the floor in a frenzy. Frustrated screams ripped from his throat as his already trashed apartment was torn apart even further. His lamp fell over, lightbulb shattering on the floor and his table was kicked over.

After a few agonizing minutes, he stopped, chest heaving, and fell to the floor. Papers and books covered the ground, his hand stung as he accidentally cut it on the shattered lightbulb.

Burying his face in his hands, Reid let himself cry. He was so frustrated with himself for trusting his team, he just wanted to run away forever. He didn’t understand how everyone else was able to forgive and forget so easily, how they could just brush this under the rug.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, but Reid snapped out of it when someone began pounding on the door.

“Reid? Reid, please open up, I know you’re in there.” Hotch asked.

Reid rolled his eyes. Of course, Hotch would show up. Of course, he would pretend to give a shit about all of this, just like he had earlier today.

“Reid, I will kick down the door if I need to.”

Angrily, Reid exhaled, rubbing his forehead in annoyance. “Go away Hotch.”

“Spencer, just hear me out-”

“LEAVE ME ALONE!” Reid shouted, placing his hands over his ears. He needed the noise to stop, he needed to be alone.

“Spencer-”

“JUST FUCKING LEAVE”

“Please-”

“GO AWAY, Go away, go away” Reid began chanting to himself, rocking back and forth. “go away, go away, go away” he sobbed, squeezing his eyes shut.

Everything was simply too much right now. The noise, the light, the feeling of fabric against his body. He wished it would all stop.

He just wanted to be numb.

Reid continued like that, chanting the words to himself, disconnecting from the world. He wasn’t present enough to realize that Hotch had made his way into the apartment, shocked by what he saw.

Hotch stealthily stepped around the mess, making his way over to the trembling agent. He avoided the broken glass and papers, a pit forming in his gut when he saw the broken kid sitting on the ground.

Reid was rocking himself back and forwards, eyes clenched shut and hands firmly gripping his ears, blocking out noise. He was whispering words to himself and blood was all over his body.

It was unclear where the blood was stemming from, but Hotch knew he needed to help the kid.

Right now, though, there was nothing he could do but wait.

Reid managed to calm himself down eventually. His senses quieted, and he no longer felt as overwhelmed.

When he opened his eyes, he saw Hotch sitting a few feet away from him, studying his movements. Immediately averting his gaze, Reid turned his head away, not wanting the man to see him.

He wanted to be alone.

“Spencer…” Hotch started, hesitating before continuing, “can… is it okay if I touch you?”

Reid froze, unsure of his answer. He didn’t really want to be touched right now, his senses still somewhat in overdrive, and he was still furious at Hotch.

However, the weight of someone might help ground him, bring him back into his own body, and that seemed like the better option to choose.

Timidly, Reid nodded his head, still not looking towards the man. When a hand gently appeared on his shoulder, he couldn’t help but flinch, but he didn’t move away from the touch.

Hotch slowly pulled Reid out of the ball he’d curled up into, attempting to find the source of the blood. He frowned when he realized it was appearing from multiple wounds.

A cut on his palm, bloodied knuckles, blood-soaked gauze lay on his forearm, and a gash on his foot. No wonder there seemed to be stains of blood all over the place.

Reid wasn’t surprised when the man’s touch left him again. He was probably leaving him, disgusted with him.

It made sense.

He flinched when a gasp came from the bathroom, the noise hurting his ears. Hotch must’ve walked in there and seen the mess.

But for some reason, Reid didn’t really give a shit.

When a hand reappeared on his arm a minute later, he didn’t flinch this time.

Hotch silently worked on his wounds, bandaging him up. He wrapped his sliced knuckles after making sure none of them were broken or dislocated. He bandaged his palm and foot, and he rewrapped his raw forearm. The older agent asked no questions, working in silence to help him out.

Reid didn’t understand why.

When he’d finally finished, Hotch got a wet washcloth and gently wiped the dried blood from Reid’s face. He then wrapped an arm around him, leaning back against the couch.

Reid hadn’t moved in a while, having partially disassociated from what was happening. His body wanted to shut down completely, but he didn’t feel comfortable being completely at the will of Hotch anymore.

It just wasn’t the same.

Unconsciously leaning into the man’s touch, Reid began returning to his body, becoming more aware of what was going on.

The two sat in silence for a while before Hotch decided to break the ice.

“I’m really sorry, Spencer.”

Reid didn’t reply, simply swallowing the lump in his throat instead. His gaze shifted downwards, still refusing to look at Hotch.

“I know you feel betrayed and angry, and you have every right to be, but, please, let us try and make this right.”

Clenching his jaw, Reid refused to speak, but it was mostly because he didn’t know what to say.

Hotch sighed, tightening his grip on Reid, “Please talk to me, just tell me what you need.”

Reid shook his head. He needed to leave the BAU, but he couldn’t tell Hotch that.

Unless the man already knew.

“Listen, I know you’re frustrated… I also know that you’ve been talking to other departments about transferring,” this got Reid’s attention. His head turned towards Hotch, confused and ashamed; he wasn’t supposed to find out like this. “but please, we need you at the BAU, so we’ll do whatever we can to convince you to stay. All of us.”

Reid swallowed again, clearing his throat this time. “I don’t blame you Hotch, I understand that you were doing it to protect Emily but…” he gnawed at his lip, searching for the words, “but I almost…” he stopped himself, but from Hotch’s look the man understood what he was going to say anyways. “I just don’t know if I can trust you guys again, and the whole team is built on trust so I just… I don’t think I can do this anymore…”

Hotch sighed, nodding his head. “I understand. But, please, give us a chance to redeem ourselves. I don’t know what we… what I would do without you.”

Looking away Reid managed to keep his face as stoic as possible. He might be able to forgive Emily, and possibly Hotch, but JJ was another story.

“I’m so sorry that this happened Spencer, I truly am. We thought we we’re doing what was best for the team—for Emily, but I clearly made the wrong call. I’m sorry.”

Reid closed his eyes, letting the apology sink in. He felt compelled to forgive the man, to let it go. Hotch always had his back, he’d treated him like a son for the past eight years. They’d been through so much together.

He took a deep breath, searching for the right words, “I… I forgive you Hotch” the man smiled at him in relief, but Reid wasn’t done, “but… I don’t know if I can stay in the BAU, I just… I need some time to think.”

Hotch’s face fell at the confession, but he nodded in understanding. “Take all the time you need, but I really hope I can convince you otherwise.” He pulled Reid into a hug, holding his body tight against his own.

Reid hugged him back somewhat, not putting his whole body into it.

He could forgive Hotch, sure, but he would never forget what he’d done to him. It was the blessing and curse of his eidetic memory. Maybe this was just the reminder he needed that he couldn’t trust anyone.

They’d always betray him one way or another.

Chapter Text

PT2

Holding his gun tightly, Reid closed one eye, aiming at the target.

When the squeezed the trigger, he did so six times in a row, emptying the round. He sighed, placing his now emptied gun on the table. Pushing the button next to him, he watched as the silhouette moved closer to him.

There were only two holes, one in the forehead and one in the heart.

Reid smiled to himself. He’d managed to shoot three in each hole almost identically to the point where it almost seemed as if only two bullets had hit the target.

He grabbed his gun, reloading it with bullets. He then took down the silhouette, replacing it with a fresh sheet. Reid pushed the button once more, resetting the target, and got ready to shoot again.

Breathing deeply, he focused himself, raising his gun towards the target. This time he’d go for all headshots. Aiming carefully, Reid steadied his hands, ignoring his injured palm’s scream of pain and the agony coming from his cut knuckles.

He shot off all six rounds, quickly, unsurprised when he could see that they all hit their mark. Once again throwing his gun down on the table, Reid took of his safety goggles, rubbing his eyes.

After Hotch had showed up at his place last night, the man had helped him clean up his place. But he hadn’t invited him to stay like he normally would’ve, wanting the man to get home to his son.

It took him until around three in the morning to settle down enough for sleep, but then he’d awoken at five because of a nightmare.

Though they didn’t need to be into work until nine today, Reid decided to come in early and practice his shooting.

Just like he’d been doing almost every day since Prentiss had ‘died’.

It helped him get his emotions out and was helping him in the field. A win-win scenario. Though, now, he was getting out his anger and frustration at the team rather than his depression.

It hopefully would allow him to focus and get through the day.

Reid paused a moment, taking off his headphones, sipping on the coffee he’d brought. He checked his watch and saw that he still had an hour and a half until work was supposed to begin.

Sighing, he rubbed his eyes, exhaustion weighing on him. Footsteps emanated from the hallway and he turned in surprise, looking in the direction of the sound.

No one was ever here this early.

It was no shocker to Reid when Prentiss walked through the door, immediately making her way over to where he was standing. Reid rolled his eyes, letting out a sigh of annoyance as she approached. He turned his head downwards, loading his gun with more ammo once more.

“It’s a little early for target practice, isn’t it?”

Reid glanced at her, making sure to control his expression. His face was passive, presenting as little emotion as he could.

Instead of responding, he simply shrugged, continuing to load his weapon. When he finished, he placed the goggles over his eyes and headphones over his ears, turning back to the target. With a bit more force than he realized, he shot the round off completely, hitting the target in the heart six times.

He turned back to Prentiss who stood, hands covering her ears, clearly impressed with his aim. Reid couldn’t help but smirk at her expression, placing the gun down on the table.

Taking another sip of his coffee, he slid the headphones down around his neck, ready for the inevitable talk she was about to give him.

Prentiss stared at him, seemingly unsure of what to say. After a minute or so, she must’ve gathered her thoughts though because she grabbed his hand, turning his body towards her.

Reid didn’t look her in the eye, feeling uncomfortable, but kept his eyes looking in her general direction.

“Hotch called me.” She stated. Reid looked up at her in surprise. Prentiss glanced down at the visible wounds on his hands from the previous night, clearly knowing where they came from.

Awkwardly, he crossed his arms, hiding the bandaged appendages from her sight. He was glad he’d worn a long sleeve shirt; he didn’t want everyone asking why his arm was torn up too.

“Reid… I’m sorry for what I said on the plane. I know what I went through wasn’t the same as what you all did. I lost you guys, but I knew you were alive and well whereas you all thought I was… well…” she trailed off, clearly having thought about her previous words from yesterday.

Reid clenched his jaw, taking in her statement. That was exactly why he’d been mad, she didn’t know what he’d gone through, she couldn’t possibly understand, and he was entitled to his anger.

He said nothing, but it was clear that Prentiss knew she’d gotten through to him somewhat. Her face softened further, placing a gentle hand on his arm.

“I know you’re angry. And… you have every right to be. But I hope we can mend our friendship, I hope…” she trailed off, causing Reid to glance up at her in confusion, “I hope you decide to stay at the BAU.”

Reid closed his eyes, annoyed at Hotch for spilling the beans. This is exactly why he hadn’t talked to anyone about it, he knew they’d try to convince him otherwise. He wasn’t certain what he wanted to do, but he wanted to be able to make the decision for himself, outside of what his teammates thought.
“I just need some time.” Reid said finally, staring at the floor.

Prentiss nodded, “I can give you that.”

“Thank you.” He whispered, glancing at her again.

She smiled, pulling him into a hug. He stiffened at first, but slowly leaned more into her. As angry as he was at them for keeping this from him, he was ecstatic that she was alive.

He’d never dreamed that he’d be able to see or hug her again.

Plus, it wasn’t her idea to keep the secret, it had been JJ and Hotch’s executive decision. He just felt lucky that she was back and healthy, so maybe he could forgive her.

When they separated, Prentiss glanced at his coffee, which was clearly almost empty. “Why don’t we go get coffee before work actually starts, we still have an hour.”

Reid smiled, nodding at her. “Okay.”

Prentiss helped him replace the target sheet, and soon the two of them were walking out of the Quantico office. There were lots of coffee shops right near the office, so they opted for walking to one.

They had a lot of time before the workday started anyways.

“So, have you been shooting a lot lately?”

“Yeah, when you…” Reid awkwardly trailed off, not wanting to have to say the words, “yah know, I needed to get out my frustration somehow. Plus, it’s about time I learned some proper aim.”

“Did Morgan help you? Or Hotch?”

“No… uh it wasn’t really something I told anyone about so if they know it’s probably because Garcia hacked into the logs.”

“Oh…”

The two of them fell into silence as they walked down the street. It was a little chilly out, but a nice morning overall. Reid pulled his jacket around him further, suppressing a small shiver that ran up his spine.

“Did you talk to… anyone? About how you were feeling?” Prentiss asked awkwardly.

Reid bit his lip, “I mean we had counseling with Hotch…”

“Spencer, you know what I mean.”

He frowned, his attempt to avoid the question didn’t work. “Not really…”

“Okay. Well, I’m just gunna ask it then,” she said, grabbing his arm to stop him in his tracks. She placed both hands on his arms, holding him firmly in place so that he’d face her. “Is what you said to JJ true? Did you almost relapse?”

Reid looked down, clenching his jaw. He did not want to talk about that.

“Oh Spence, shit I’m so sorry-”

“It’s fine Emily, don’t worry about it.” He started to move, but her hands kept him from getting away that easy.

“Spencer, please tell me what happened.”

He looked down, shaking his head, “I didn’t do it, okay? It doesn’t matter-”

“It matters to me.”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE, Spencer, you’re like my little brother!” she argued. “If you had ended up relapsing and something had happened to you? I don’t know what I would’ve done…” Her eyes were full of sorrow, but Reid looked away, unable to face her.

He swallowed the lump in his throat, thinking back to the night he went and got the dilauded, and a little while later when he’d almost used it. He might not be here if he had.

“Do you still have it?” she asked timidly, reaching a hand up to his chin. She tilted his head up in an attempt to force eye contact, but he closed his eyes instead.

Reid shook his head slowly, “It’s gone.”

“Where’d you get it from?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“So your old drug dealer?”

Reid opened his eyes, finally gazing back into hers, “it doesn’t matter, I’m not gunna go back there” he dismissed, turning to continue walking towards the coffee shop. Her grip on him slackened this time, allowing him to leave.

She followed him, a few steps behind as he quickened his pace to the shop. Reid really did not want to get into this with anyone. He really only told JJ about that at all because he was so furious at her and frustrated at her accusations.

The rest of the walk was brief, and luckily, they didn’t have to wait in line at the shop. Reid got a black coffee and Prentiss got a vanilla latte, and soon they were out the door and, on the way, back.

“Spencer, I’m sorry for bringing it up” Prentiss said finally, wanting to break the tension that had come between them. “Just, please know that if you ever feel that way again, I’m always going to be there for you.”

A million snarky comments ran through Reid’s mind at once.

‘but you WEREN’T there’

‘how can I even trust you again?’

‘what should I do instead, come bother you?’

‘how do I even know you will be there?’

But instead, Reid felt a tug at his heart, and he pushed those thoughts away. Sure, he wasn’t going to be able to forget all this overnight, but he was so lucky that Prentiss was alive and well.

He didn’t want to stop being friends with her, even though he wasn’t sure he would stay at the BAU.

Reid didn’t want to lose her all over again.

Instead, Reid smiled, looking over at her, and grabbed her hand. A large grin grew on her face as they continued walking together towards Quantico.

“Thank you, Emily, I’ll be there for you too.”

Chapter Text

PT3

Reid stared at his closet, working up the motivation to pick an outfit.

He really didn’t want to go to Rossi’s. In fact, he hadn’t promised anyone he’d be there. However, a part of him felt like he needed to go, like it might help him heal a little.

Prentiss had begged him multiple times to come now, and guilt was weighing on him.

How could he turn her down when he’d literally never dreamed that he’d be able to hang out with her again? How could he say no when this was the resurrection he never expected?

Straightening out his wrinkled shirt, Reid’s nose scrunched in annoyance. The biggest reason he didn’t want to go was because of how he’d acted during this past case.

He’d been pissed, hell, he still was. And he had the right to be. But he’d acted so incredibly unprofessional to everyone and, honestly, Reid felt embarrassed. Not only did he not want to go through the emotional turmoil of working things out with JJ, but he also did not want to face the others.

Morgan, Garcia, and Rossi all had just as much reason to be angry, yet none of them were. This only made Reid feel more alienated.

He didn’t understand.

Maybe it was because he’d almost relapsed, or how he’d fully put his life in JJ’s hands, expecting their established trust to not be thrown back in his face.

Whatever it was, Reid couldn’t shake the horrible feeling that had settled in his gut, making him uncertain.

Taking a deep breath, he turned, glancing at the clock. It was already six thirty, everyone was probably already at Rossi’s house, or mansion, as he referred to it.

There was a war in his mind. Half of him was saying he needed to go to the party, that it would make him feel better. The other half was telling him to avoid it, to establish distance between himself and the BAU.

He might be leaving anyways.

Sighing, he stepped towards his clothing, grabbing a casual striped shirt. Reid threw it on, grabbed a blazer, and walked out of his room. He snagged his keys and stepped out of his apartment, making his decision.

He’d go to the dinner.

As soon as he began walking down the stairs, he felt regret. However, this might be one of the last team activities he’d do, he could get through one more of these.

Reid strode down the stairs and out the lobby of his apartment building. Rossi didn’t live very far from him, so he’d just walk.

Plus, it would give him more time to prepare himself for what was probably going to be an awkward night.

Anxiety began rising in his chest as he strolled down the sidewalk. He knew Prentiss desperately wanted him there, but what about everyone else? Morgan hadn’t really talked to him all week, and neither had Garcia. Rossi didn’t seem to care whether he came, and, though Hotch didn’t want him to leave the department, he’d not mentioned the dinner party.

And clearly JJ wouldn’t want him there, not after how rude he’d been all week.

Heart pounding, Reid gnawed his lip as he walked. No one really wanted him there, they’d just invited him out of principle. Prentiss probably only invited him because she wanted him and JJ to make up.

Or because she also knew he was debating his departure from the BAU.

Either way, there was a strong chance that no one would be happy with his arrival.

Reid stopped on the sidewalk, glancing at the road in front of him.

He was about to get to the block Rossi lived on; it was only 0.2 more miles until he arrived at the man’s house. He wanted to force himself to go, but his heart was pounding so quickly now that it felt like he couldn’t breathe. Sweat beginning to form on his forehead, Reid tried to stop the panic. Hands clenched into fists, he began forcing himself to take deep, if not shaky, breaths.

After a few minutes of unsteady breathing, he managed to calm down somewhat. Anxiety still had a hand on him, but he no longer felt like he was about to spiral into a panic attack.

Taking a deep breath, he began pushing forwards again, moving towards the man’s house.

The rest of the walk was a blur and, before he knew it, Reid was standing on the front porch. There were multiple cars parked out front, and he could hear music and voices coming from inside. Wiping his sweaty hands on his shirt, he looked down, willing himself to hit the doorbell.

After a minute, he worked up the courage, poking the doorbell with a shaking finger. It wasn’t more than a few seconds before the door opened, revealing a very happy Derek Morgan.

“Hey kid, glad you could make it. Come on in.”

Reid gave a small smile, stepping inside. He trailed behind Morgan into the kitchen where he saw everyone standing around Rossi.

“Sorry I’m late.” Reid said, awkwardly waving at the group. Eyes turned towards him, acknowledging his presence before returning to Rossi.

“Yeah, and this is why I cook alone.”

Reid stared at the group looking for a place to stand. JJ scooted over slightly, making room for him. His heart leapt with nervousness, not wanting to stand next to her. However, no one else moved, so it looked like the decision had been made.

She watched as he awkwardly made his way to the space, standing next to her. He looked at her, trying to think of what to say but she looked away, shifting her focus instead back to Rossi.

She was dismissing him again.

Reid swallowed the lump in his throat, refocusing on Rossi rather than the coworker who he’d previously trusted like a sister. She clearly didn’t want to do this now, and neither did he, so they’d just pretend like everything was okay instead.

Just like she’d pretended to be trustworthy.

He shook his head slightly, trying to get out of his mind.

Just focus on Rossi.

“-but we’re going to do this all together, just like a family.”

“okay, now?”

“now.” Rossi nodded, signaling that everyone could drink their wine.

Prentiss handed Reid a glass as they made a toast, though it was more of a gesture since Reid didn’t typically drink alcohol.

Not that anyone would really notice or care.

“Salud!” everyone said, clinking their glasses together. When they’d finished toasting, Reid sat his glass down on the counter, not sipping from it.

He watched as Rossi began teaching everyone, one at a time, how to handle the pasta. He was making his way down the line.

Rossi started with Hotch, showing him how to properly add noodles to water and how much salt to add. Then Garcia stepped in, helping him begin the sauce. Morgan added the vegetables and began adding noodles to the small amount of sauce mix.

Reid was zoned out for the majority of the lesson, head not quite in it. He didn’t want to be there, and he wasn’t really in the mood to participate.

So, by the time JJ was getting ready to switch out, Reid excused himself, rushing out of the kitchen.

He raced to the bathroom, shutting the door and locking it behind himself. This was a mistake; he shouldn’t have come. His anxiety was through the roof and he could tell that everyone wished he’d just stayed home. The smell of the pasta was making him want to vomit, he was sure that if he ate any of it, he’d puke.

Reid leaned over the sink, washing his face with cool water. It helped him calm down a little bit, and he rubbed some of the cold water on his neck as well. When he finished, he stared at himself, trying to come up with a solution.

As horrible as it sounded, the only thing he could think of was to sneak out the back and leave. He really didn’t want to do that to them, but he didn’t think anyone would care anyways. In fact, they’d probably be thrilled.

Nodding to himself, Reid dried his face with a towel and turned to open the door.

He jumped when he noticed someone standing on the other side of it.

JJ was staring at him in surprise, hand raised as if she’d been about to knock. Assuming she just needed the restroom, Reid ducked his head and stepped out of her way.

“Sorry” he whispered, beginning to rush away.

“No, Reid-” JJ said, catching his arm before he could get too far, “I wanted to talk to you.”

He swallowed, “oh…”

“I just…” JJ shifted her weight between her feet, almost looking pained at what she was about to say.

But Reid had already heard enough, he didn’t need to get yelled at or guilt tripped again.

“It’s whatever JJ, we don’t need to rehash this-”

“No, we do. We… I need to make things right between us again.”

Reid tilted his head in confusion at her statement. That hadn’t been what he’d expected. His eyeline slipped to the floor, avoiding eye contact.

“I know that you’re angry at me for lying to you. And… you have every right to be. I acted immaturely this week and I need to be more conscious of your feelings. I had no idea that you almost…” she trailed off, looking up at Reid. He glanced up at her for a second, but it was more than enough time to see how emotional she was about all this.

He knew what she was about to say, and from the tears in her eyes, she’d clearly taken that very personally.

“If I’d known, I would’ve— I wish… I want you to be able to trust me enough to tell me those things. And I know you don’t trust me at all anymore but… you’re my little brother-- and I hope that I can fix what’s broken between us. I… I don’t wanna lose you.”

He clenched his jaw, staring even harder at the ground. If he looked at her at all he knew that the dam would break, but he couldn’t cry in front of her anymore.

He couldn’t be weak with her ever again.

“I’m so so sorry Spence.” Her voice cracked and Reid could tell she was crying, “I hope one day you can forgive me.”

Attempting to keep his face as impassive as possible, Reid finally glanced up at JJ. She had tears streaming down her cheeks and looked incredibly sad. He wasn’t sure whether or not this was all just an act, but it seemed fairly genuine to him.

He gnawed on his lip, deciding how to respond.

Could he forgive her for all of this? Maybe in time he’d be able to let go.

However, would their relationship ever return to where it was before all of this? Absolutely not.

Reid opened his mouth, wanting to reply, but no words came out. For once he had no idea what to say. So, instead, he decided to do what other people would do when they had nothing to say.

Act.

Reid stepped forwards, wrapping his arms around JJ loosely. She immediately returned the hug, gripping him tightly. He felt her body quake as she cried into his chest and he gently stroked her hair.

He thought about how she did this for him ten weeks in a row and didn’t feel enough sympathy to tell him the truth.

But he also knew how important it had been to keep Prentiss’s existence safe.

He’d been so depressed and reckless, but even though it had all been lies, JJ had helped him a lot in those ten weeks. She’d sacrificed sleep, time with her family, and even her job to help him.

As much as he didn’t want to acknowledge it, she had helped him a lot, despite keeping the truth from him.

If she hadn’t been there for him, he probably would’ve ended up taking the dilauded.

As her crying let up, Reid allowed himself to release some of the anger and spite that he’d built against her. He saw the guilt she was wallowing in and realized that he didn’t want her to have to feel that pain.

He knew what that pain felt like.

Trust had to be earned. Hotch and Prentiss would have to earn it back too. All three of them knew it by now. But, as he’d done with the other two, Reid felt himself begin to forgive JJ for her actions. He began to let go and, in return, began to feel lighter himself as well.

“It’s okay JJ,” he whispered to her, “we’re gunna be okay.”

She pushed away from his body, smiling up at him. Her eyes were puffy from crying, but the smile plastered on her face made it seem like she was the happiest person in the world. She grabbed him once more, pulling him in for an even tighter hug.

“Thank you, Spence. I promise, I’ll make it up to you.”

Reid smiled, hugging her back. Regardless of if he stayed in the BAU, he now felt like their relationship might be salvageable.

Feeling a million times lighter, the two of them separated, Reid glancing out towards the kitchen.

“Maybe we should… yah know… head back out there.” he said, nodding his head in that direction.

JJ wiped her eyes, clearing up any evidence of tears and nodded. She let out a joyful laugh, reaching up to ruffle Reid’s hair.

“We probably should. Rossi will get mad at us for not listening to his lesson.” She began grabbed his arm, hooking hers through it and began leading them back to the kitchen.

“It’s okay,” Reid started, giving a sincere smile, “I’m sure we’ll have more nights like this in the future.”

Chapter Text

S7 E5

Reid acted oblivious, but he wasn’t a moron. It was hard to be unaware of the fleeting glances of concern sent his way during the past few days. Not just from Hotch, but from Em and Morgan, Rossi and JJ. He even heard the strain in Garcia’s voice as she spoke with him over the phone.

That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he didn’t understand their worry.

He was doing fine, well, as fine as he’d acted since forgiving certain members of the team for their dishonesty.

Was he more distant and closed off? Sure. But despite their attempts at rekindling the familial bond, he just didn’t feel the same way about it anymore.

The picturesque relationship of a found family he’d designed had been tainted by deception and tears and pain. When he was with them, he no longer felt completely safe and at ease. He was always on guard, worried to say the wrong thing or act incorrectly.

His emotions were carefully selected, placed before them on a mask of contentment as the continued frustration was shoved down and lodged itself in the back of his throat, occasionally effecting his speech. He was certain his smile didn’t meet his eyes anymore, but there was only so much effort he was willing to put into his façade each day.

Still, despite the feigned elation and trust, this wasn’t cause for all the glances. Afterall, he’d been this way for weeks now, and he wasn’t so naïve as to miss any looks before this case.

So, he carried on, ignoring their unasked questions, dodging any moment of sincerity, burying himself in his job.

And it worked.

Until it didn’t.

The case was finally over. The unsub was caught, and the children and mother rescued. Reid had quietly slinked into the background, hoping to continue his avoidance of questions. It wasn’t until the plane that he managed to be cornered.

It was Morgan who approached him because… of course it was.

A month ago, Hotch would’ve been first in line, then perhaps JJ. But their trust had been stained and, despite Reid’s forgiveness to each of them, they all knew a part of the bond was missing. They continued the attempts to rekindle the familial connection, inviting him out to lunch or over for tea, but he politely declined each time.

They were merely coworkers now, and Reid was in no rush to repair that broken bridge.

He couldn’t be mad at Emily, but their sibling relationship had been tarnished too. He’d mourned her for months, spilling tear after tear.

Though his trust was torn, he’d not lost any with other members of the team. Rossi, Garcia, and Morgan had been in the dark as much as he had, though he suspected Rossi had figured it out before they had confirmation that Em wasn’t dead.

So, of course it was Morgan who approached him, a cup of coffee in each hand, a smirk on his mouth, but genuine worry in his eye. He placed the coffee on the table, offering one to Reid sipping the other as he sat.

Reid gave a half smile, preparing himself for whatever talk he was about to get. He gave a quiet thanks before grabbing the coffee with both hands, allowing the warmth of the cup to transfer to his cold hands.

“Are you okay?”

That wasn’t really the question he’d been expecting. Though, he hadn’t known what to expect.

“I’m fine. How are you?”

“Kid.” Morgan responded quickly, eyes hardening. “Seriously, are you okay?”

“I’m fine…?” Reid replied, confusion laced in his voice. What had he done that warranted this much concern?

Morgan leaned forward, grabbing one of Reid’s hands lightly, as if giving him room to pull it away. He didn’t.

“I know this case was probably hard on you, I just wanna make sure you know that you can talk to me.”

Now Reid was really lost. His brows quirked inadvertently, and his jaw dropped open to respond but no words formed. He didn’t know how to respond. He didn’t know why this case was supposedly hard for him.

“Uhhh…” was all his brilliant mind supplied him with. It was at that moment that he saw a shift in Morgan. Surprise overtook his face, as well as a look of relief.

He let out a small laugh before letting go of Reid’s hand and leaning back in his chair.

“Kid-” he started, letting out a loud sigh of relief, “we’ve all been worried that you’d get triggered from her… yah know… falling off a bridge and all.” His voice quieted towards the end of the sentence, unsure of the reaction he’d cause.

That’s when it finally clicked.

“Oh.” Was all Reid said. The supposed suicide, the bridge, it all made sense now. He wasn’t sure how he didn’t see it. He’d been too busy with the case to even think about his previous brush with suicide.

Not that he hadn’t had a more recent brush with it, just this time including a bathroom floor and a needle full of dialauded.

“I guess I didn’t even think about it.” Reid finally said, remembering the statement had warranted a response.

A new look of concern came over Derek, and Reid averted his eyes. Morgan leaned forwards once more, attempting to gain the eye contact again.

“Reid, look, I know the past few weeks have been hard on you, and you’ve been trying really hard to bury your hurt, but you don’t have to." He was speaking softly now, clearly not wanting the rest of the plane to overhear. “I feel it too. Not as deeply as you, I wasn’t nearly as depressed or harmed by the situation as you were, but I understand to a degree. You don’t have to deal with this alone.”

Morgan softly grabbed his hand again, squeezing it lightly. When Reid finally met his eyes again, he saw they were full of genuine affection and promise.

He believed him.

Nodding, Reid squeezed his hand back. “Thank you” he said simply, unsure of what else to say.

Morgan nodded, seemingly content enough with that answer. He let go of his hand, standing once more. Picking up his coffee, Morgan winked at him before turning away.

Reid watched as he retreated to his previous seat besides Hotch, who was holding a book but dozing in his seat.

The plane was quiet, most everyone was sleeping, but Reid sipped his coffee and watched the dark clouds out the window.

Maybe he didn’t have what he’d had before. He probably never would.

But at least he had Morgan, who he knew would stand by his side and defend him until the end.

For now, that was enough.

Chapter Text

S7 E7

PART 1

When he was little, Reid had feared storms.

Well, not the storm itself. He was fascinated by the idea of crazy weather. Tornados, hurricanes, thunder, lightning; they were environmental phenomena, and he’d always been intrigued.

No, the threat and veracity of the storms weren’t the issues. The issue lied within what came along with each storm.

They were too loud. The bangs and crashes and beating of rain on the window was enough to overstimulate. He’d slink into the tightest corner of his room, hands clutched over his ears in pain, and would rock back and forth to self sooth. He’d scratch at the side of his face and pull his own hair, anything to distract from the sudden sounds.

But people didn’t understand. His father didn’t understand. In school they’d make fun of him. At home his father told him to ‘man up’.

So that’s what he tried to do. He tried to ‘man up’, he learned to cope.

He carried earbuds wherever he went, ready to block out any noise, storm or other, that might cause a fit of overstimulation. He masked in public, attempting to seem as neurotypical as possible. To seem ‘normal’.

The team knew to a point about his issues with overstimulation; they’d seen it happen plenty of times. However, they’d never experienced him at his worst. They’d never seen it during a storm.

But today might be the day that ends.

Reid realized with horror that he’d forgotten both pairs of earbuds and his backup headphones when they landed in Kansas. He’d be without them the whole time they were there. Reid would be stuck in a busy, already noisy police precinct, and would have to deal with the outside sounds of thunder, rain, and wind from the tornado weather.

It wasn’t as bad as he’d anticipated since he threw himself fully into the case. Running around, talking to people, seeing the gruesome bodies, it was enough to distract himself from the noise.

It was then, when they were sitting at the station in the dark, talking to Garcia, that it started catching up with him. Reid excused himself from the conversation, beginning to feel overwhelmed. He could barely see anything and the loss of one sense was heightening the other.

Not in a good way.

He wiped his face, attempting to push the feeling down, but it was starting. His hands were shaking. He felt the beads of sweat on his skin and he was suddenly too aware of the feeling of his clothing touching his body.

Reid choked back the whine that threatened to escape his throat. Instead, he looked out the window, watching the sky for lightning.

That’s when it hit him, the collected body parts, the storm chasing, the unsub’s dead brother. It all made sense.

“It’s Frankenstein.” He stated aloud, agreeing with it even more outside of his mind.

“What?”

“The unsub isn't just trying to put his brother back together; he's trying to bring him back from the dead. He believes that tornadoes have the power to take life, so conversely, they should have the power to restore it.”

The look on everyone’s face said enough, his hypothesis made sense. This unsub was out there right now, chasing the storm with the missing kid, attempting to create a Frankenstein-esk version of his big brother.

Reid flinched as a loud crack ripped through the air, the sky igniting with it. Luckily, most of the group wasn’t paying attention to him anymore, trying to pull the final information together so they could go chase down the unsub.

He bit his lip as the howling wind rang in his ears. The noises were becoming too much. Reid hadn’t noticed anyone calling his name until a hand landed on his shoulder, causing him to jump.

“Reid?” Morgan asked quietly. Or maybe he was yelling, Reid could barely hear him over the other sounds. “You okay?”

The blank stare he gave in response must have tipped Derek off. Reid couldn’t remember how to speak when he could barely hear inside his own head.

Instead of replying, Reid’s body began to go into autopilot, hands reaching up to cover his ears. He wasn’t present enough to realize the trembling of his hands, or how Morgan began gently guiding him to a separate room.

Reid immediately collapsed on the floor once Morgan let go of his arm, scrunching up into a ball and pressing himself against the wall. He rocked back and forth automatically, attempting to shut out the noise. He didn’t know where any of his coworkers were, nor if Morgan was even in the room with him anymore, but at least he could deal with this fit of overstimulation away from everyone else.

He tried his grounding techniques, focusing on the wall behind him and the hard ground he was sitting on. He tried opening his eyes, but they only met darkness, causing his breathing to escalate even more.

Right as he felt himself creep up to a full-blown panic attack, a hand was on his shoulder again. Reid’s eyes shot open, flinching against the sudden intruder.

It was Morgan. He couldn’t quite see the man, but he knew from the slight outline and the smell of his cologne. It was too loud for him to hear the words, but he knew Morgan was saying something to him, trying to help in some way.

Without leaving time for him to decipher the speech, the man’s hands gently grabbed his own, pulling them away from his head. Before he could complain about the noise level, something else slipped over his ears.

Derek’s headphones.

No music was playing, but the noise cancelling ability was enough for Reid’s body to immediately go slack, inadvertently falling into Derek’s arms. He’d not realized how tense he was, how panicked he was, until the noise was muted to a dull murmur.

Morgan began rubbing his back, holding his body up with strong arms. Reid’s breath began to slow, and he leaned against his big brother.

They stayed like that a while, Reid’s breathing slowing down to its normal pace. His face was buried in Morgan’s chest, focusing on the man’s heartbeat against his body and the heaving of his exaggerated breaths.

When Reid finally opened his eyes again, the lights were back on in the bullpen and they were lightly streaming into the room he was sitting in. He looked around, realizing where Morgan had dragged him off to. It was a very abandoned break room. There was a sad looking couch, a table, a dusty fridge, and a very used looking coffee machine. Nothing too surprising.

Derek let him go a bit, backing up so they could make eye contact. He looked him up and down, making sure Reid was no longer overstimulated.

Reid gave a small smile of appreciation. “Thanks Morgan.”

“Do you need anything?” Morgan signed. Reid shook his head, grateful that the man had learned sign language to help him in these situations.

Most of the team knew at least a little, and though Reid was the only one fluent in sign language Morgan was a close second. He’d hoped that it would help with Reid, as well as any deaf people they’d meet. It came in handy for Reid in situations like this.

“Do you want music? Or do you want the headphones off?”

Reid pondered a moment. He wasn’t sure how well he’d do without them, but he should try. The team probably needed his help, and he couldn’t do any good like this.

“Is it still loud?”

“Yes, but not as bad. If it’s too much you can just put them back on.”

“Okay.”

Reid reached up, hesitantly lifting the left headphone off his ear. Noises immediately flooded back but Morgan was right, it wasn’t as bad as it had been. Being in a separate room, away from the noise of the bullpen also helped.

Slowly he slipped one ear out, then another, sighing in relief.

“Feeling okay?” Morgan asked, scouring his face for any ounce of pain.

“I think so.” Reid answered, uncertain. “Can we stay here for a few more minutes?”

“Kid,” Morgan smiled softly, “we can stay here however long you need.”

Morgan scooched around, planting himself next to Reid against the wall, rather than in front of him. He reached an arm around his skinny shoulders, pulling him in close. Reid closed his eyes, allowing his ears to adjust to the noise again, preparing himself to walk out into the other room.

His brain wandered back to the case, thinking about the poor boy that was missing. He hoped that he hadn’t taken too long, that they still had time to find him and the unsub.

As if reading his mind, Morgan spoke; “The team’s heading out in an hour, we’re waiting for the storm to kick up again. Don’t worry kid, we’ll catch him.”

Reid smiled, nodding along. That was a relief.

After a few more minutes, he felt ready. He leaned forwards, away from Morgan, and the other man took the hint. The two of them stood, Morgan lending Reid an arm to help his slightly shaky legs.

Reid looked through the window at the busy bullpen. He took a deep breath and Morgan patted his back.

“Ready?”

Reid gave a small smile.

“Let’s go catch this unsub.”

Chapter Text

S7 E7
PART 2

The BAU was getting ready to leave. The storm was worsening, meaning the unsub would be getting ready to chase the storm and kill the kid within the next hour.

Reid thankfully had recovered from his bout of overstimulation thanks to Morgan and, despite the continued noise, was able to distract himself enough to push through. He’d assumed the rest of the team knew, that Morgan would’ve told them. But either their acting had improved dramatically, or the man had kept it to himself.

Either way, Reid was grateful that no one was making a deal out of it. As much as he couldn’t control it, and he knew everyone would understand – it was embarrassing. There was still the voice of his father in the back of his head saying it wasn’t okay.

Reid shook his head, clearing the dark thoughts from his mind. He had to focus.

He was currently surveying the radar, using his prior knowledge of tornados to try and attempt a suggestion of where the unsub would head. He’d already done a geographical profile and narrowed down the range as much as he could, but since the man was a storm chaser, that would give him a better guess than any other profiling would.

The storm was still forming, he had a guess that the man would be west of them, but that was about all he could supply.

“Reid.” He looked up at the sound of his name, startling out of his thoughts. Hotch was staring at him, the rest of the gang packing up their stuff and strapping on FBI vests. “Anything?”

Reid shook his head, “the storm is forming to the west, that’s all I can tell at the moment.”

“That’s better than nothing.” Hotch smoothly threw a vest towards him, and Reid clumsily caught it, “Gear up, were leaving in five.”

Reid nodded, standing. He started pulling on the vest, eyes never leaving the radar. Despite his best effort, it told him nothing more and eventually the five minutes were up.

The team split into two vehicles, Reid accompanying Derek and JJ in the backseat of their SUV. The phone rang as they started driving through the rain and Derek answered it.

“Babygirl.”

Garcia told them about the information she’d found on the unsub. How his older brother had defended him against the trailer park pedophile. How he’d went over to fight the man in the middle of a tornado. How the tornado had wiped out half the trailer park, taking the unsub’s brother with it.

If the man hadn’t murdered a bunch of kids, he might feel sorry for the guy. That was quite the traumatizing childhood event.

“Reid, where are we headed?”

“We need to head into those areas with the most precipitation.”

JJ looked at the iPad before replying, “So make a right at the next intersection. It should be Pawnee Road.”

“Hey, how exactly are we supposed to chase this storm?” Derek asked, apprehensive.

“The unsub won't actually chase the storm. To get close to it, you have to get in front of it. It's a little like playing chicken.” Reid explained.

“Uh-oh.”

“What?”

“It's frozen.”

Turns out the other team lost internet too. They were flying blind into the storm now. Thankfully, they were still able to get ahold of Garcia, who was safely back in DC with all the internet she’d ever need.

“Ok, guys, a twister has been spotted near Rose Hill just south of your position. The storm-chaser dudes are calling it a land spout.”

Reid processed the words, remembering the differences between the weather patterns.

“We don't want that one. Land spout tornados are relatively insignificant.”

“Where to, then?” Derek asked, glancing through the mirror at Reid.

“Garcia, look for hook echoes on your monitor.”

“Hey, hook echoes. Yeah. Ok, I'm gunna do that. Just tell me what they are.”

“They're swirling hook-like radar signatures that look surprisingly like what you'd expect them to.” Reid replied, cringing slightly. He hoped that was a good enough explanation.

“Ok. Uh... No, I don't see anything like that.”

Reid took a deep breath, realizing he needed to explain further.

“They'll likely form in those red and violet areas on the map.”

“I don't see anything that looks even remotely like that.” He could hear the frustration in Garcia’s voice, but he wasn’t sure what else to say.

“Ok, they shouldn't be too far from our current position.” JJ said, confidently, “He's close.”

“Oh, God. No, wait, wait, yes! Yes, I see it. Oh, that's gotta be it. Yes, Yes!”

“Where Garcia?”

“Oh, no… no.” Panic laced through her voice.

“What? What is it?”

“There are two.”

The team members exchanged glances realizing what that meant.

Their car ended up turning left off their current trajectory, heading to the other hook echo. Garcia guided them into the eye of the storm. Rain beat down on the windshield so hard you could barely see through it. Reid tried not to think about the fact that Morgan was essentially driving blind, hoping that his friend would successfully guide them.

It turns out that one of the other storm chasers spotted the unsub’s alleged RV, and they were closer to it. They drove on the dark backroads as Garcia guided them through a maze of farmland.

Finally, Reid spotted something.

“What’s that up there?” he pointed. The shape of an RV and a person kneeling on the ground were in the distance. That had to be the unsub. “Near the old house.”

Morgan drove quickly, parking the car as closely to the unsub as he dared. Reid grabbed his gun out of its holster and scooched out of the back seat. It was pouring rain and Reid almost immediately got drenched. He shivered against the wind and rain, hoping he could will his hands to stop shaking.

“Travis James, FBI, put the weapon down!” Morgan yelled over the wind.

“You get back!” the unsub screamed. The poor kid beneath him looked terrified, duct tape over his mouth.

“We can't do that, Travis-”

“I said get back! Are you hard of hearing or something?”

“Just let Shaun go and we can work this out.”

“That's his name, you know.” JJ added “He has a little brother, too. We know you saw them when you attacked them.”

“Just go! Get out of here, please!” The unsub was getting desperate.

“Travis, Tucker would not want this.” Reid yelled, wincing at the strain in his throat. “He would want to protect you like he did with Roscoe Gulch.”

“That bastard was guilty!”

“Just let him go and we can help you.”

“We don't need your help!”

Just then, the crashing of branches caused everyone to look up. Behind the unsub was the outline of a giant tornado, illuminated by the lightning in the sky.

“I’m telling you; we need to get to cover now!” The police chief shouted.

“Come on man,” Morgan wasn’t giving up, “put the weapon down, put it down!”

Thankfully, the unsub finally listened. He threw the axe down, abandoning the kid, and gathered the array of collected body parts before walking towards the tornado.

As soon as the man turned, Reid lowered his weapon, sprinting towards the unsub. Derek ran with him, and the two worked to free the kid. Once he was free, Reid helped him up, guiding him towards the shelter. When he was certain the kid was steady on his feet, Reid let him go, turning back to look at JJ and Morgan.

JJ dragged Morgan backwards, letting the unsub walk away. Reid patted Morgan as the two of them rushed by, encouraging them forwards. Reid, however, watched as the tornado sucked up the unsub and his Frankensteined ‘brother’.

He turned at the sound of Morgan’s voice, rushing to the man. They had a matter of seconds now. The hairs on the back of Reid’s neck stood up and his head snapped to the left. A huge metal pipe was barreling towards Morgan. On its trajectory, it would impale the man directly through his torso.

Without a second thought, Reid sprinted forwards, pushing the man out of the way.

A millisecond after his hands hit Morgan’s side, all the wind left Reid’s lungs as the pipe hit him instead. It slammed into his side, cracking his ribs on the way.

Before he knew it, Reid was on the ground, coughing and stuttering into the mud. Pain pulsed through his left side like fire. His eyes had closed, he realized, and he sluggishly managed to open them. Morgan was in front of him, grabbing his arms and dragging him to the shed as carefully as possible.

Reid tried to help, but he couldn’t focus on anything other than his shattered ribs for more than a few seconds. The man eventually swung Reid into a bridal carry, jarring his ribs and causing him to groan. He heard a small ‘sorry’ emanate from the man, but he was too fixated on not coughing up a lung or passing out from Morgan holding him by his crushed ribs to reply.

He managed to get Reid’s dead weight inside and they quickly closed the shutters, locking them in the dark. The noise difference inside was stark from the intensity outside. Reid could hear his own ragged breaths, and the worried whispers between JJ and Morgan.

A flashlight turned on, immediately illuminating over his own torso. Reid’s eyes were half opened, exhausted from the pain already.

“Kid” Reid looked up with glassy eyes, making vague eye contact with Morgan. He blinked heavily, looking around. The police chief was nervously holding a flashlight. JJ had another, staring at Reid with unshed tears in her eyes. Morgan was concerned, guilt written all over his face, and he searched Reid’s for any form of recognition.

Reid’s mind was swimming, and his eyes began to close of their own account. He felt his head start slumping forwards, but, before he could completely pass out, a hand slipped under his chin, startling him.

Half lidded eyes opened again, once again seeing Morgan, who looked even more frightened now.

“Hey hey hey, kid stay with us!” Morgan said, fear lacing his voice. “You gotta stay with us. Please.”

At the sound of Morgan’s voice, Reid forced himself to perk up. The pain in his side was unbearable, and it was incredibly hard for him to breathe. He had to be strong. For Derek. He looked at the man, nodding weakly.

Just then he noticed that JJ had been undoing the FBI vest and his button-down. He shivered as his chest was exposed to the stale air in the shelter. JJ let out a gasp at the sight of his side. Reid was sure it looked a mess, but he was just thankful that the pipe only hit him and didn’t impale him.

A hand delicately grazed his ribs and he immediately flinched away from the touch.

“Shit.” He said breathlessly. Morgan and JJ exchanged a look of worry.

“Kid,” Morgan started, uneasy, “I need to feel how many of your ribs are broken. Only one of them has broken skin so I need to check the others, is that okay?”

Reid’s face paled at the thought of a rib sticking out of his side and his sight went fuzzy. He felt his stomach roll.

“I’m gunna-” Reid said quietly, before beginning to turn. The two agents must’ve easily read his expression and got out of the way. Morgan helped turn him to his side as he vomited up stomach bile. Every time he heaved; pain shot through his side. He tried his best to stay awake, fighting against the agony.

The taste of iron filled his mouth and he quickly spit out the blood. He coughed feebly, catching his breath. It was then that Reid realized the hands holding him upright, and the other pair of hands rubbing his back, avoiding his injured side.

“Sorry” he whispered.

“Shhh, it’s okay. It’s not your fault.” JJ said. The hands guided him to rest against the wall again. Reid was drained, he knew he would probably pass out soon. He was in so much pain, his side was burning. Blood continued to coat the inside of his mouth and he knew he needed a hospital.

One of his ribs must’ve punctured a lung. He didn’t want to die by drowning in his own blood, but he couldn’t dwell on that too long.

The sounds of sirens and crescendoing voices fuzzed out in his ears and his eyes shut of their own accord. He felt his body slump to the side again but this time the hands catching him didn’t keep him awake.

Reid fell into darkness.

--

When he returned to his mind, the blinding whiteness of a hospital appeared before his eyes. His side felt sore, but not as painful as it once had. His breathing was still strained, chest heaving against the tightness of the dressings, but Reid noticed a distinct lack of blood in his mouth.

He blinked a few times to clear his vision. Morgan was sitting beside him, stress lines painting his face, looking at his phone.

Reid opened his mouth to speak but choked on the dryness of his throat instead. He coughed a few times, startling Morgan on accident.

The man helped him sit up a bit, helping his clear his airway. A few seconds later he was laid back down gently against the pillows on his bed. Reid cringed as he felt the stitches in his side pull and his ribs shift.

“Take it easy kid.”

“Is ‘very one ‘kay?”

Morgan rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “Yes Reid, everyone but you are, once again, fine. The teenager is a bit scarred but much better now that he’s reunited with his family. He’ll be fine.”

“Good.” Reid smiled a bit, letting himself relax into the bed again.

“Hey,” Morgan said, grabbing his arm causing Reid to open his eyes again, “listen. I don’t like what you did out there, it was reckless and stupid, and you got yourself hurt again. I didn’t know if you’d…” Morgan trailed off, swallowing back the lump in his throat. “You shattered all your ribs on your left side, one broke skin and one punctured a lung. I mean my god kid I don’t know how you get such bad luck but… Regardless… thank you.”

Reid’s brows shot up in surprise. He knew Morgan would be mad at him, he’d expected a talking to by multiple team members. But this was a shock.

“If you hadn’t pushed me I… I saw the way the pipe was flying at me and… I froze. I mean it would’ve just gone straight through me. I… you saved me. You saved my life Spencer.”

Reid clenched his jaw, holding back his tears. He grabbed clumsily for Morgan’s arm, squeezing it weakly.

“I’d do it again.” He stated simply with a smile.

Morgan bit his lip, nodding. “I know.”

“I’m glad you’re okay.” Reid said, letting his eyes fall shut with exhaustion.

The other man’s arm patted his gently and the hospital chair squeaked as he sat upon it once more.

“I’m glad you’re okay, too.”

Chapter Text

S7 EXTRA

They were on a case when he realized.

“Hey, what’s the date?”

“October 28th.”

Reid stopped in his tracks after overhearing the cop’s casual conversation.

October 28th, 2011. It was his 30th birthday, and he’d forgotten.

Possibly even worse than that, so did everyone else.

Reid tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. It had been a long, difficult case and all of them were exhausted. They didn’t arrive home until a day later and he’d not expected them to throw any sort of celebration while they were busy working a case.

The minute he realized they’d really forgotten his birthday was exactly five days later.

“Happy birthday Hotch!” Penelope yelled as the man arrived at the office. He gave a rare smile, laughing as he saw the decorated doorframe that Prentiss and JJ were standing under. Rossi stood by, holding a box of cupcakes with a smile and Derek wore a party hat.

Reid walked in, trailing behind the man. He knew it was the man’s birthday, hell the two had ridden in together, he’d already given Hotch the gift he’d gotten him. But seeing the celebration take place caused a stab of sadness to pierce his heart.

He put on a happy face, accepting the party hat Garcia supplied him and sang ‘Happy Birthday’ with the rest of them, but he couldn’t help but feel forgotten by the others.

Hotch deserved a celebration much more than he did. The man gave everything to this team. He was a leader, a talented profiler, and an imperative part of the BAU.

They should be celebrating him 365 days a year.

And it wasn’t like Reid loved celebrating his own birthday. In fact, he rather hated the feeling of sitting awkwardly as everyone sang to you.

But that didn’t replace the hole in his heart knowing that he’d been overlooked.

It had been his 30th birthday, a huge milestone. One that he hadn’t been sure he’d make it to with his mom’s history of schizophrenia. It was probably the only birthday he really cared about, even more important to him than turning 18 or 21.

His 18th birthday had been spent in tears and sorrow as he’d finally sent his mom away to a hospital. For his 21st, he was taking an entrance exam for the FBI, ready to begin his new life as a profiler.

His 30th birthday was supposed to be his big celebration. He finally made it through his twenties, the years in which he’d be most likely to have a schizophrenic break. He’d made it, and his brain was intact.

His coworkers knew that. They knew how big a deal it was to him. How much stress and anxiety it has caused him the last ten years.

And yet. Nothing.

Not even an acknowledgement.

Reid could’ve said something. They’d all been together; they could’ve done something small. But he hadn’t thought it appropriate to bring it up at the time.

‘Hey guys, I know we’re trying to find this family’s 8-year-old child who has been abducted by a sex offender, but I just wanted to tell you it’s my birthday!’

Yeah. No. That was NOT going to happen.

So, Reid tried to pretend like it didn’t hurt. He pushed the feeling of jealousy down as he took a bite of a cupcake that tasted like ash. He laughed along as people told their favorite Hotch stories and made jokes about the man’s age.

But as soon as the day was over, he knew he couldn’t hold it together much longer.

Hotch was supposed to drive him home after work, but Reid couldn’t do it.

“I forgot I have to run to the store, it’s on the way, I’ll just walk.”

“Reid, I don’t mind, it’s not that out of the way-”

“No, Hotch. It’s okay. Go home and be with Jack, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Alright. And Reid,” the man smiled, pulling Reid in for a quick hug, “thanks.”

Reid hugged back awkwardly, smiling softly into the man’s shoulder.

“No problem” he replied, his voice muffled in the man’s jacket.

When Hotch finally released him, Reid could tell that the dam was about to break. He had to get out of there.

With an awkward wave, Reid turned and walked away as quickly as he could, heading towards the metro.

His ride home was a blur, brain working on autopilot. His body shut itself down, not allowing him to breakdown in public.

But the minute he opened his apartment door.

Tears.

The dam immediately broke. It wasn’t the heart wrenching sobs he’d experienced before.

No.

He was just… empty. He didn’t feel anything. He closed the door behind him, leaning against it. Without realizing, he began sliding down to the floor, closing his eyes.

Reid let the tears go, allowing the hollow grip of loneliness make itself at home in his chest. He hugged his knees tightly, burying his face into them. His arms shook from the strain of making himself as small as possible and his breaths shook from emotion.

He thought back to a few months ago when he’d thought about leaving the BAU.

The thing that had kept him from going was the hope that their family could be rebuilt. It seemed like it had been.

But somehow, Reid had been left out.

Perhaps it was his own fault, he’d been keeping everyone at a distance ever since he’d learned of Hotch and JJ’s betrayal. He’d hoped that someone would reach out, try bringing him back in, but they didn’t.

No one had even made an attempt.

Morgan had been overly protective of him at work, but even he had been keeping his distance. Reid knew he was pushing everyone away, but he thought they’d at least try to reign him in.

Maybe he’d misread the situation.

Maybe he’d be better off leaving.

Reid opened his eyes, staring into the dark nothingness of his apartment. Perhaps he would recontact the university he’d been communicating with, or the other teams he’d thought about transferring into.

He knew he shouldn’t make any decisions tonight. He wasn’t thinking clearly, and he was overemotional from the hurt their forgetfulness caused him.

Reid sat there in a void of timelessness for who knows how long before the tears stopped. His mind had stopped functioning as he stared into the darkness.

Finally, when he came back to himself, Reid weakly stood and shuffled to his bedroom in the dark. He collapsed on his bed fully clothed, curling up on his side.

Almost immediately he fell asleep.

The next day, when Reid awoke, he pondered his previous intrusive thoughts. This could be a sign from the universe. He’d ignored so many signs in the past. So many times he’d thought about leaving the BAU, becoming a professor, leaving DC.

Starting over.

He chewed his thumb, processing. If he went, Reid could probably get a university job easily and maybe start working on another PhD. He just had to go quietly, without any of his coworkers finding out.

If they knew, they’d immediately beg him to stay. Though he constantly felt like they didn’t care, whenever he did try to go, the amount of guilt they dumped on him whenever he’d discussed going, or if they’d found out on their own, had been tremendous.

Reid would be discreet. He’d be extra careful.

This time, they wouldn’t find out.

This time… He’d get out.