Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Raph leaned back against the wall next to Mikey. His eyes stayed glued to the mask knot on the back of Leo's head as he talked to Karai. To Leo's left Donnie was at the big kids table writing down everything important like a good little soldier.

If Raph had thought Master Splinter was a tough Sensei; his older brother Leo was even worse. Not only was he barking orders at them inside their home, but now he was doing it outside too. Raph felt suffocated from all sides and tonight was testing his already inverted fuse.

"Dude," Mikey whispered. "Check out Donnie, even he's barely suppressing a yawn."

Raph let his eyes unclip from the back of their leader's head to glance at Donnie. Sure enough he was discreetly trying to cover his mouth with his fist to let out micro yawns, but he obviously had a big one in the chamber.

Suddenly Karai and Leo stood up and gathered their maps and books into a neat pile while still talking, or flirting, or whatever. In Raph's opinion it was sort of fucked that Leo still had a crush on Karai. Raph and Mikey straightened up as Donnie took advantage of Leo's turned back to yawn so big his jaw popped. Leo gestured them forward with a curt hand wave because he was the big dog now and didn't even need to use words to boss them around. Karai and Leo walked ahead while Raph and Mikey hung back to walk with Donnie.

When they got into the parking garage of The Foot Clan Headquarters Donnie and Mikey headed towards the Party Wagon. Raph trailed behind noticing that Karai had pulled Leo off to the side and turned him away from them to say something. With their lips out of view Raph scowled. He watched as Leo nodded a few times while Karai spoke. Her hand was on his shoulder. She was rubbing circles into his skin with the pad of her thumb.

Raph did not know what was going on with them. If they were together, just friends, or casual fuck buddies. Sometimes Leo would leave The Lair to visit her but he would never talk in detail about it. He would only relay how Karai was doing and any relevant news from The Foot Clan. One thing was for sure that they had talked a lot more in private than they had while Master Splinter was alive.

Already tired of watching Karai touch Leo’s shoulder he turned to get into the back of the van with Mikey. Donnie had shotgun and they were just waiting for Leo to get done with his booty call before they could leave. He never brushed her hands away or recoiled from her touch. Hell, Raph had seen her give him a hug before and he couldn’t remember the last time Leo stomached that from one of his brothers.

Family first was apparently Master Splinter’s motto. Not Leo’s. Their new leader and Sensei was more than happy to throw out the things he didn’t agree with.

“Put your hard on away?” Raph asked as Leo got settled into the driver’s seat.

Leo paused midway through pulling his seat belt over his plastron and Raph’s chest tightened for half a second thinking he might have actually gotten a rise from him.

Instead Leo clicked his seat belt and started the van with a blank expression. As if Raph’s words had been nothing.

“Last night Karai and Shini managed to catch sight of the ethereal being that has been picking up random citizens of New York City and then setting them down after a few moments. Using eye witnesses and Donnie's online reporting board we have mapped out its usual hunting grounds.” Leo reported all of this while steering down the winding ramp out of the parking garage and onto the street.

Raph and Mikey gave each other unconcerned looks as he spoke. The Ethereal Being looked more like a floating ghost decoration little kids make out of a lollipop and a piece of white tissue paper. The only thing disconcerting was the dark blue mask it wore which was just a smooth oval with four slanted eye holes.

It was eerie to look at but it was far from the threat Leo and Donnie were treating it as. All the people who had been victimized by the thing reported being picked up, held out at arm’s length for about thirty second, then set down right back where they were abducted from. Some people reported feeling dizzy afterwards, but most were so eager to get away from it that they barely remember what they felt.

“And we’re gonna what?” Raph asked through the divider. “Capture it? Kill it?”

Leo shook his head. “We are going to talk to it. Karai believes it is looking for something or someone and that’s why it’s behaving this way.”

So? Raph groaned to himself. Why did he need to be on this mission? So far the thing was a non-threat and Raph was the last turtle on the planet to talk someone down.

Luckily Mikey was willing to say out loud what Raph didn’t want to bother arguing about. “I mean… but like why do we care? He isn’t hurting anyone.”

“It isn’t causing any damage but it is drawing attention. It used to just be stragglers and people walking alone at night. Now it’s getting bolder and coming out into more populated spaces. We don’t want the EPF to catch wind of this and swarm the city again,” Donnie explained.

“I know this is not the most exciting thing we’ve done,” Leo said as he slowed to a stop at a light. “But I need all of you to focus. The EPF will cause us a lot of trouble and I would rather we not have to pick up and stay at the farmhouse again.”

Mikey sank down in the back on the van. “I like the farmhouse,” he muttered under his breath.

Either Leo didn’t hear or he didn’t care about Mikey’s feelings. The youngest had been hinting for the past month that on the one year anniversary of their father’s death they should all journey back to North Hampton.

Leo always dismissed the idea.

“Hey,” Raph whispered. “You and me, we can go this year on my bike.”

Mikey’s face lit up at the idea which was enough to make Raph feel like he really wanted to. Mikey just had that effect on him. “What about-” he mouthed while pointing at the back of Donnie and Leo’s heads.

Raph shrugged. “Fuck ‘em,” he mouthed back with a smile.

Raph admitted things were pretty bad. The Ethereal Being had descended on a roof party and gave no shits about all the screaming humans. From a neighboring rooftop they watched and observed as long tentacles made of fog snaked down and around people. Lifting them up and holding them in the air for half a minute before setting them down.

Something in Raph’s stomach turned as he watched a young child get snagged by The Ethereal Being. It squirmed and thrashed with shrill screams. The sound was only broken up by the desperate cries of the child’s mother begging for her son back. Raph would have been off the roof had Leo’s hand not landed on his shoulder and held him back.

“Wait until more people have cleared,” Leo ordered. His tone held no sympathy for the crying child. He only pointed to the crowd around the roof door. Everyone was pushing and shoving to get away. Some people were even being trampled.

With a growl Raph ripped his shoulder away from Leo, but like a good boy he stayed in his position.

The child was set down and his mother grabbed him. She hugged him tightly but didn’t move. She only used her body to shield him.

“What the fuck is she doing!?” Raph yelled a second before jumping off the roof.

“Raph!” Leo scolded, his fingertips barely brushed the back of Raph’s shell as he jumped down on the pool party.

As far as landings go it was rough. A lot of tables and chairs in inconvenient spots and he landed his right leading foot into the remains of a shattered bottle. He couldn’t stop to pick it out. He just gave his foot a good shake on his way to intercept the fog tentacles reaching out towards the woman.

He jumped over a table and flipped over the woman and child and was caught in mid-air.

As soon as the fog tentacle grabbed him he felt weightless. He was suddenly in space again floating uneasily. He struggled a little fearing that at any moment he would be dropped. An uncertain noise warbled from the back of his throat as his body flooded with heat.

The next thing he knew he was being gently placed on the stone tiled roof next to the pool.

“Hey! Over here!” Mikey yelled from the other side of the roof. He was spinning his nunchucks so that they clinked against the railing around the roof. The rattling drew The Ethereal Being away from Raph.

As soon as Donnie reached Raph he was checking his pulse and dusting his hands over his head. 

“Are you hurt, Raph? Did it hurt you?” he asked frantically, seconds from pulling his med pack off his back.

Raph pushed his brother’s hands away. “I’m fine, c’mon let’s help Mikey and Leo.”

Leo was already putting his katanas back on his shell as the fog monster floated over the pool towards him and Mikey. The plan was flawed from the start just as Raph feared. Leo wanted to negotiate with it believing for some idiotic reason that it might talk to them, but Raph could tell it wasn’t going to pan out.

"Please, we know you do not mean harm," Leo yelled as Raph and Donnie weaved between tables as fast as they could towards him. "We can talk this through."

He was crazy. Leo was standing on the edge of the pool reaching out toward the monster that picks people up.

It paused in front of Leo and cocked it's head side to side.

"Do you understand me?" Leo asked, hesitant as if he wasn’t so sure about his plan now.

Raph, Donnie, and Mikey were now a few feet behind Leo ready to jump into action when the tentacles snaked around Leo; under his arms and chest. As Leo was pulled forward his brothers stepped up, following him with their body and eyes until they were standing on the edge of the pool.

The Ethereal Being floated up and held Leo much closer to it than anyone else before. So close Leo held his hands out to keep it's main body away from him.

"Finally," The Ethereal Being said. It's voice was a horrifying choir of one-hundred different voices all speaking in perfect unison. A chanting crowd. "I have found a challenge worthy of my power."

Leo began to struggle but while the fog tentacles could hold him like they were solid, his arms and hands went right through the fog in his struggle.

All three brothers watched with horror reflected in their eyes as Leo gasped and spasmed.

"Hamato Leonardo," The Ethereal Being bellowed over Leo's screaming. "May your scars be mended and your mind freed with this vow to heal your soul."

"What?" Mikey asked with his eyes still glued to the scene thirty feet above the pool.

Before they could answer The Ethereal Being exploded in a bright flash of light. For a second it was as bright on that roof as the middle of the day. It blinded them but Raph saw the spec of darkness fall against the flash. He dived into the pool at the same time Leo's limp body hit the surface.

It was impossible to see. It was like a flash bomb had gone off. He grabbed Leo blindly and swam up. Gasping for air while trying to keep them both afloat.

"Leo!" Raph sputtered while swimming towards where he believed the edge of the pool to be. His brother was limp and unresponsive in his grasp with his chin barely above the waterline.

Mikey and Donnie helped them up onto the stone. Their main concern was Leo. Donnie started checking their unconscious leader's airway and breathing. Raph still was having trouble with his vision. Large dark shadows floated on the surface of his eyeballs.

"Is he okay?" Raph asked, spitting out some sour tasting pool water.

"Yeah, but we need to get out of here. Now. That flash was huge. Everyone in the state saw it." Donnie began gathering Leo in his arms as he spoke. His voice was feverish and panicked.

Raph relaxed knowing most of Donnie's concern was about getting off the roof unseen. Leo would be okay once they got home.

Even if he was a major idiot for trying to talk that thing down.

During the drive back to The Lair Leo woke up. He had been out for ten minutes and was a little disoriented at first but was easily calmed down by Donnie.

Raph watched from the side lines in Donnie's lab while Leo was examined. It was mundane stuff. Donnie looked in his eyes, listened to his heart and lungs… the whole routine.

This was how Donnie reassures himself that everyone was okay. And it was something all three of them grumbled through. But Leo wasn't grumbling through it; he was staring at the floor and barely responding to Donnie's questions. 

Donnie gave Raph a concerned glance before turning back to Leo. "Are you sure you're okay?" he asked, touching Leo's shoulder gently.

That tore Leo out of his haze. He immediately flinched away like he always does when they touch him. He got up off the bed and stepped back cautiously. "I'm fine. I'm just tired. I think tonight has just… caught up with me." His voice was uneven and shaky.

The sound of that much uncertainty caught Raph off guard. It made his heart twist itself in a knot before he remembered how much of a cold jerk Leo was to them.

Donnie nodded and Leo quickly left the room. Raph pushed himself off the wall and walked over to Donnie with a scowl carved on his face.

"You think he's actually okay?" Raph asked, hiding any hint that he was actually worried.

Instead of answering him Donnie looked down at his desk. "Do you have any injuries?" he asked.

"I did," Raph said while shifting his weight from one foot to the next. "I stepped on some shattered glass-"

"And you've waited until just now to tell me?" Donnie asked. He pointed to the bed like Raph was Klunk chewing on their Bonsai trees. "Now!"

Raph rolled his eyes and pushed Donnie's arm down. "When that thing picked me up it healed my leg. I didn't notice until we got back."

"It healed your leg?" Donnie asked, perplexed by the idea. "But why? This is getting stranger and stranger."

“Way to sound disappointed that my foot ain’t full of glass,” Raph snorted.

Donnie glared at him for a split second before repacking his stethoscope in its protective bag. “You know that’s not what I meant. Look, no one knows anything about that creature but no one reports injuries afterwards. Now I’m wondering if we should be asking if people have a lack of injuries.”

Raph shook his head, “Whatever. More importantly why did it explode on Leo?”

Donnie shrugged. “At this point your guess is as good as mine. Just be glad none of us are hurt. I’ll keep an eye on Leo.”

Raph nodded and left the lab. Donnie was closer to Leo than any of them. Even though as far as Raph could tell Leo was just as hard on Donnie as he was on him and Mikey. Leo hated being touched. He hated any mentions of their father. He hated being called their Sensei but demanded the respect of the head of the house.

Quite frankly Raph was tired of it.

As Raph came down the stairs from his room later that night he heard the last bit of an argument taking place in the kitchen.

“You know that cheese is for Master Splinter, Mikey!”

This again? Raph thought.

As he pulled back the curtain he saw Leo hunched down in the fridge making a mess by throwing everything out of the fridge and onto the floor. Mikey was on the other side of the kitchen looking down at the floor and on the verge of crying.

This had only happened once before. About five months after Master Splinter’s passing, April had been unable to find Canadian Aged Cheddar at the grocery store. They were out of stock and it was in no way April’s fault but Leo had had a complete meltdown over it.

It was unlike anything they had ever seen. Their usually very in control brother had screamed at April until she cried. He had said many vile things to her. Told her that she was disrespecting Master Splinter. That she could never do anything right for him. He insinuated that she was an outsider trying to deceive them. Among other equally crazy remarks.

None of it had made sense, and all three brothers had been horrified to see Leo act in such a way.

Donnie had tried to get Raph and Mikey to understand something about grief and that Leo was acting so harshly not because he actually blamed April, but because he thought he was hurting Master Splinter. Raph had scoffed and given Leo the cold shoulder until he made things right with April. She had forgiven him but she stopped getting groceries for them. Now Leo did the grocery shopping while wearing a trench coat.

Since then they always had a backup of Master Splinter's favorite cheese. To avoid a repeat of that incident with April.

“What’s going on?” Donnie asked as he entered the kitchen.

At this point Leo was on his knees in front of the fridge with most of the food on the floor. He was shaking violently. His whole body was shivering like the whole goddamn world was coming to an end over a slice of cheese.

Every night after dinner Leo prepared an offering for their father’s shrine. A cup of herbal tea and a slice of their father’s favorite cheese. For the first month while their grief was still raw they would join Leo in the offering and half hour meditation. Now, a year later only Leo was still doing it.

“I forgot that I used the back-up cheese for our pizza last night,” Mikey whimpered.

Raph moved to take the youngest out of the kitchen like he should have done with April all those months ago. 

“Come on,” Raph murmured. “Let Donnie handle it.”

Once they were in the living room Raph sat Mikey on the couch next to him. His little brother palmed tears out of his eyes and sniffled. It made Raph hate Leo even more. How heartless he was to make Mikey feel like shit when his only crime was using that cheese to make them dinner.

Mikey tucked in closer to Raph, burying his face into the front of his plastron. “I’m sorry,” he cried. “I forgot, I swear I just forgot.”

“It’s okay, Mikey.” Raph rubbed Mikey’s carapace. “It’s not that big of a deal. Leo just has Master Splinter’s staff up his ass.”

They sat there for a little while holding each other. Mikey calmed down by the time Donnie joined them.

“The fridge is put back together and Leo is in the Dojo,” Donnie said while sitting down next to Mikey. He placed a hand on the younger turtle’s back. “No harm done.”

Mikey nodded into Raph’s chest which only made him squeeze the turtle in his arms harder. Fuck Leo for being such a jerk.

“How’d you calm Leo down?” Raph asked.

Donnie shook his head. “I convinced him Master Splinter wouldn’t mind a cheat day. I filled a cereal bowl with Cheezy Ballz and placed that on the tray with his tea. Leo took it and left the room without a word so I guess it worked.”

“What the fuck is his problem?” Raph asked, curling his lip up as he glanced back at the closed Dojo doors.

“You know how close he was with Master Splinter,” Donnie sighed. “Leo is having a harder time accepting his death is all.”

“Yeah, and until he does he’s such a joy to live with,” Raph snarked.

Deep down inside Raph was jealous of how much attention Master Splinter always gave Leo. So many private lessons. Leo was praised a lot during training. They had tea together every night. Master Splinter would take Leo on trips to some place neither of them would talk about. Master Splinter would hug Leo more than any of them.

Their father never did a good job of hiding who his favorite son was. If anything he flaunted just how much of a better son he thought Leo was.

If Raph had one superpower it was his ability to sleep as soon as he laid down. It was like flipping a very convenient switch. Mikey said he had old man powers. The ability to just fall asleep wherever he pleased.

Raph of course had to wrestle him to make sure he never dared insinuate he was an old man. Ever. Again.

Tonight something was wrong. He was comfortable in his hammock but he just couldn't drift off to sleep. He used his foot to push off the wall and swing. The chains of his hammock groaned out just as frustrated as he was. He was getting more and more agitated as he approached the one hour mark.

Finally, just as he was about to nod off he heard someone slip on the staircase and grunt.

Fuck it, I'm already awake, Raph thought as he flipped out of his hammock. The chains clicked against the brick wall as he opened his door.

What he finds when he peeks out of his room is Leo crouched on the staircase. He wasn't moving, he was just staring down and mouthing something.

Just as Raph was about to take a step forward to see if it was his knee acting up, Leo stood up and finished walking up the stairs. He turned right towards the bathroom, turning his back on Raph. Probably unaware he was even being watched.

Raph hesitated. They all stumble sometimes. Ninjas weren't immune from getting worn out. Shaking his head he slipped back in his room and closed the door.

Now that Master Splinter was dead Leo had to get used to a lot less babying. Their father would always tuck Leo into bed. All the way up until months before The Shredder killed him but that was only because he could no longer walk up the stairs with ease.

It really rubbed Raph wrong that Leo never even acknowledged the special treatment he got from their father. He was spoiled with affection and now he was suffering without it. Why was Raph supposed to feel bad? What kind of half brained nonsense was that?

With his anger towards Leo restored he got back in his hammock.

About twenty more minutes of fidgeting later he was soundly asleep.

He woke up with a start. Leaves and pine needles slipping under his… paws.

Raph stared down at his black paws in shock. He lifted each one tentatively before placing them back down.

"I'm dreaming," he said out loud, expecting to wake up.

He didn't though.

For Raph whenever he realized he was dreaming that was when he'd wake up. There was no way for him to dream and be aware of it enough to control what he was doing. Donnie had a word for it because he had a lot of dreams that he could walk around and do things.

Raph looked around beginning to panic. The last time he was in a dream he couldn't wake up from it was because of the Dream Beavers. Was it possible they were back in the Dream Realm?

For a few minutes all Raph could do was sit awkwardly on his haunches and look around.

He was in some forest. Not like the one up around the farmhouse in North Hampton. This forest had huge redwood pines. Every tree was bigger around than two cars parked next to each other. The bark was an orange-red color. Deeper red ran into the grooves of the bark.

Raph looked up towards the canopy of leaves to see sunlight sparkling through. The forest floor was shaded though and cool. A breeze ran through Raph’s fur.

If he wasn’t a warm blooded mammal these temperatures wouldn’t be pleasant. It was chilly. He would imagine that as a turtle he would be feeling very lethargic.

When he stood his legs didn’t cooperate. They wobbled and shook and he was reminded of that video Mikey showed him of a baby giraffe standing up. The journey to gather his footing gave him an unintentional tour of his new body.

He was black and white. His front legs, chest, and upper back were black. His middle had a band of white that was slimmer over his back and wider around his belly. His back legs, butt and tail were black. Almost like he was wearing a pair of low riding black pants.

With some confusing relief he also made sure that he was indeed a boy dog.

As for his face he couldn’t know. His eyes caught some white around his neck but there was nothing reflective to look at himself with.

Raph also had no idea how large he was or wasn’t. The size of the trees didn’t help give him a sense of scale either. His paws were larger than a wolves and he had tough looking nails. He had a long tail that almost touched the forest floor while standing.

He twitched his ears and ran a paw over them. They were large and standing up like a German Shepherd's.

“What the fuck is going on,” he muttered.

There wasn’t a plan for this. What was he supposed to do if he was trapped in a dream?

Raph shook his head. “If I don’t wake up when my alarm goes off then I’ll wake up when Leo pounds on my door.” He talked out loud to combat the sense of loneliness settling over him.

He was completely alone. Sure he had gone out on his own all the time in New York but this was different. There was no home here and he wasn’t even Raph the mutant turtle.

It didn’t help that wherever he was he seemed to be on a very slight hill. Like a long groove in the terrain. The trees pointed up towards the sky but the ground tilted ever so slightly down. For as far as Raph could see there were only trees. He looked up the slant and there were more trees, he looked down and there were even more. The redwoods overlapped making a shifting wall of tree trunks that he couldn’t see through.

Swiveling around one last time he decided to go up. A vantage point would do him well.

After walking for what must have been an hour, he reached the peak of the hill. It was colder up there but the trees hadn’t thinned out at all. Raph used his ears in ways he didn’t know he could. Turning them and flexing them to pick up any noise. Any sign that there was someone else around him.

On the top of the hill he walked. Valleys sloped down on either side of him as he walked the high narrow path aimlessly. He didn’t know what he was looking for or where he was going. The longer he walked however… the more scared he grew.

Where were his brothers? Were they in this place too? Were they alone or together?

It was only as he started to grow tired that he realized something else. This whole time he had been convinced he was in a dream. What instead if he had wasted hours of energy walking when he should have looked for a food and water source?

What if this was permanent?

Raph woke up to a dead silent home. With a groan he turned his head to see it was ten in the morning.

They usually got up at eleven thirty.

Not Leo though. Leo’s alarm was set for ten. Who the hell knew what Leo did for an hour and a half before banging on their doors demanding they get up too.

Raph tried to fall asleep again but became restless. His mind wouldn’t quiet. He thought back to his dream about being a dog and chuckled. Of course it had been just a dream. Had he actually been concerned?

In the dark of his room he flexed and stretched his hand. The phantom sensation of walking on the forest floor still radiated off his palms. It was so strange. He remembered walking around that huge forest with the same clarity he remembered the events of the day prior. Raph had never smelled a redwood tree before but now he was certain he had.

Shaking his head he got up out of his hammock and stretched his back. If he was rested enough that he couldn’t force himself back to sleep then he should get his day started. He walked over to Chompy’s tank and switched on the lamp. The alien tortoise was snuggled down in his hide but the heat lamp and UV light would tempt him to wake up.

He took Chompy’s water bowl and headed for the bathroom to get his precious pet some clean water only to find it occupied.

After standing there for a few minutes waiting, he knocked on the door. No one except for Leo should be up and by now it was almost eleven so he was probably meditating downstairs.

“Use the other bathroom.” Leo’s voice was quiet and strained. He sounded half awake too which was strange.

Raph groaned. “C’mon man, I don’t wanna have to go all the way downstairs to fill Chompy’s water bowl.”

It wasn’t even that going downstairs to the other bathroom was a chore, but it was tedious carrying a shallow container of water all through The Lair. Especially when there was a convenient source of water at the end of the hall.

“Dude, I’ll turn my head or something if you’re taking a shit I just need some- Erg!” he groaned thumping his forehead against the metal of the bathroom door.

There was no use in arguing this.

With Leo there was no sharing a bathroom. He liked his privacy and wouldn’t be caught dead taking a shower while someone else takes their morning meeting with the toilet. When Leo was in the bathroom it was his bathroom.

Raph never understood the big deal. They had nothing hanging out. They were freaking naked almost all the time yet Leo was weird about it. Like he was better than them or something. More modest and well behaved. It was that kind of stuck-up attitude that made Raph hate him.

Well, not hate him. But sometimes it wasn’t very easy living with the guy.

Everyone was up earlier than usual. Donnie had fallen asleep mid-project in his lab and Mikey had fallen asleep while playing Animal Crossing in his room. So now his game-thingy that Raph couldn’t be bothered to remember the name of was dead.

“Leo is still in the upstairs bathroom,” Mikey lamented as he plopped down in his seat at the kitchen table.

When their dear Sensei hadn’t shown up for breakfast at noon Mikey insisted on getting him. After all they only have French Toast on Fridays and it’s more work than eggs and toast even if those are still the two main ingredients. Raph stabbed his fluffy Americanized French cuisine irritably. Chompy purred into his ear slit begging for some of Raph’s breakfast but he feared giving the little feller the shits.

Donnie frowned, “Well it is the fourteenth of the month.”

At that Raph rolled his eyes. Leo had for the past seven month gotten serious with Karai. But they weren’t like normal couples who hung out whenever they wanted; they fucking had it on a schedule. The fourteenth and twenty eighth of every month Leo would go over to Karai’s and they would spend the whole day together. It was weird and strange and Raph just did not get it at all. When Raph wanted to hang out with Casey he just did, he didn’t have appointments with him.

Why couldn’t Leo just be normal about it?

When Sensei Leonardo did join them, breakfast was almost over. Mikey and Donnie had already escaped to their own areas leaving Raph in the kitchen alone. 

Raph didn’t look up from feeding Chompy some cut up grapes when Leo entered. “What had you in the bathroom all morning?” Raph grunted. He was not going to hide how annoying that had been.

“I scratched myself in my sleep,” Leo mumbled.

When Raph looked up he saw Leo had done more than just scratch himself. His shoulders were littered in tiny cuts. There was a crimson slit under his left eye and his right eye was black and swollen.

“There’s no way you did all that in your sleep,” Raph said squinting. 

“Well I did!” Leo snapped.

Raph snorted. “Whatever man, if I sneaked out though you’d be screaming your head off.”

Still the idea of Leo sneaking out didn’t just upset Raph, it scared him. They never went out alone because there was no telling what could go wrong. Even Leo had to stop playing vigilante with Karai and Shinigami.

Those were dad’s rules though. Leo had different rules and they were supposed to follow.

Leo stood up with a snarl. “I don’t have to explain myself to you Raph. I told you the truth and if you choose to call me a liar then that’s your problem. Not mine."

Raph watched as Leo left the kitchen. The curtain swung behind him. If it had been a door Leo would have slammed it. Chompy nuzzled against Raph’s hand for more grapes.

With a strange feeling in his stomach he picked up another grape half. He wanted to go after Leo but at the same time… he could barely find the point. Though he might talk to Donnie and Mikey about Leo’s solo mission to the surface. Maybe by the time he got back from his date with Karai they could stage some sort of confrontation.

Not that Raph really thought that would get them anywhere.

Chapter Text

Leo drove to the Foot Headquarters in a fog. He could not recall the drive there as he parked in the garage and shut off the engine. All he remembered was arguing with Raph and storming out. Which made him look so good and so put together. Raph definitely wouldn’t read into that.

He rubbed his eyes and cursed. He felt as miserable as he looked and now that he thought about it he hadn’t put his sheets in the wash before running out of The Lair so now he would have to sleep on crusty blood sheets. Spectacular.

Karai tapped her knuckles on the glass and Leo suddenly realized he had been sitting in the van for some time just thinking. He unlocked the door and Karai opened it the rest of the way.

She frowned and reached for his chin, but he blocked her hand and unbuckled his seat belt.

“You look like shit,” she said, giving him space but looking at his injuries so hard he could feel her eyeballs. “I thought you said you guys got out unharmed?”

Leo locked the door. They did get out unharmed and he was offended that Karai immediately jumped to the conclusion that he had lied to her.

“We did,” he said sharply. “I must have hit myself in my sleep. I don't know.”

He added the last part because he really didn’t know. He could have sleepwalked even though he never had before. But he had no idea why he was so scraped up. Even the roughest walls in their home didn’t do this.

“Alright…” Karai muttered.

They walked from the garage to the elevator in silence. Only the sound of Karai heels bouncing around the cement cave that was the parking garage could be heard. Leo started to feel like maybe he had been a little bit of an asshole just then.

“I guess I'm in a bad mood,” he said, dodging an actual apology and staring intently at the closing elevator doors. Karai pushed the button for the residential floor.

She hummed in agreement. “Well today is Therapy Day,” she said knowingly.

Leo hated Therapy Day. No, he didn’t hate it, it just wasn’t pleasant. Admittedly the twice monthly appointments helped, they just helped in the same way stitches did. It hurt to go through it, but when it was over and he was alone with his wrapped up wound and pain meds he knew it had been for the best.

He just needed the time after to realize he was grateful for the talk with Dr. Keno.

“I know,” Leo said, carefully lining up his next words. “But… something happened last night. I think I got set off when The Ethereal Being picked me up. One second I was outside the next I was…”

Reliving every private session with Master Splinter, he said in his head.

“Then it's a good thing you're talking to Keno today,” Karai cut in. She gave him a reassuring smile, well, as reassuring of a smile as Karai could give anyone. Shini was better at fluffing Leo before therapy, but Karai tried her best.

Leo didn’t exactly return the smile. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Come on,” Karai said when they reached the residential floor. “Let's get some lunch and get you some band aids for your face.”

“I'm not hungry,” Leo lied, feeling his stomach argue against such claims.

Karai didn’t buy Leo's perfectly crafted lie. “Yes you are, you just feel queasy about talking to Keno.”

They walked down the hall of the residential floor. This month the fourteenth fell on a weekday so all the Foot Soldiers were training or doing their actual jobs. Everything was calm and quiet, they entered the supply room where Karai gathered up some bandages and disinfectant.

Leo argued when she grabbed an ice pack too, but she insisted saying his eye would swell up.

“Here,” Karai said, handing the supplies to him. “We can clean you up in your room.”

“I’m injured and you’re making me carry this stuff?” Leo asked dryly.

“Shut up,” Karai said. “Big turtle, not hungry, and not hurt. You’ll shut your mouth and let me put something over those cuts before you sit on any of my absorbent furniture or put on your clothes.”

Leo rolled his eyes but followed Karai to his room. She typed his code (2-9-9-9-7) into the keypad under the handle and opened the door.

The room was a little larger than his own room at The Lair and included it’s own bathroom and closet. There were two nightstands on each side of the bed, a desk in the corner of the room with a few of Leo's sketchbooks tucked away in the drawers. The bed was also queen sized and had a nice oak frame. A large bench sat at the end of the bed. It had drawers for storage.

Karai pointed to the bench and Leo sat down. She turned on the lights and turned on the air conditioner. After eating something and seeing Dr. Keno, Leo would be coming back to his room to decompress and it would be nice if that room was cool.

“I don't know if I am ready to tell Keno about it in detail,” Leo said, staying vague. Karai knew more than anyone but it was still embarrassing to talk about. “Some of the things my father did to me, even thinking about it makes my head hurt.”

She walked into the bathroom and put a washcloth under the tap. “You're worried about being able to get yourself under control before going home?” she asked. “Simple, stay until tomorrow.”

Leo toed the soft cream carpeting in front of the bench. These residential rooms were almost purposely made as soft and soothing as possible. The thick lavish carpeting, the slate grey walls and textured ceiling with inset lights. Two fake windows were on the wall opposite the door on either side of the bed. They were flush with the ceiling and about one foot by two feet. They gave the feeling that they were in a basement guest room and the ground was just outside at the bottom of those windows. Instead cream colored blinds blocked fake sunlight. If he pulled them up there was just a white sheet of glass with ultra violet lights behind it. It sometimes felt nice to bask in front of it, not that he would admit that to Karai.

“Every time I spend the night here my brothers think we have sex,” Leo said.

He feared she might confront them on that, which was unneeded. Brothers tease each other over a myriad of things. Leo was just particularly sensitive to the insinuation that his relationship with Karai had anything to do with sex.

“So?” Karai said, playing it down. She took his chin in her hand and held him steady while dabbing at the cut under his eye.

Leo didn’t wince, but it hurt. He closed his eyes. “So they rail on me. They make comments,” he explained. It was easier if he could just push everything down and go home before his brothers could get dirty comments in.

She then took a cotton swab and smeared some antibacterial ointment on if before rubbing it across his cut. “I know you don't want to hear it Leo, but if you told them-”

Leo grimaced and kept his eyes screwed shut. “Please Karai. Just, can we please not even talk about it?” he asked.

“Alright.”

Karai had been trying to convince him for months now to tell his brothers. Which was something she was suggesting because she didn’t really know what she was saying. Telling his brothers about Master Splinter’s conduct towards him would only cause issues. Why would they believe him? He had no evidence to show them. Even worse there was something so violating about even more people knowing. Telling Karai had been hard enough, and there was no way she still looked at him the same. Not after he told her that he had had sex with his father. Now he was damaged.

Karai cleaned all his cuts and scrapes. Leo felt better afterwards, more put together. He put on his pair of black trousers, they were loose and had a tied belt. He paired it with another black shirt of the same loose and breathable material, tucking it into his pants to look half presentable.

He didn’t need to wear clothing to see Dr. Keno, but it made him feel better having some cover. One thing Leo hadn’t liked about his family was the lack of clothing they wore. When he was little he thought nothing of it. When he grew older he couldn’t help but wonder if Master Splinter enjoyed them running around practically naked. Contorting themselves into seemingly innocent positions, standing on their hands and doing the splits.

Looking back it made him feel very conflicted. Clothing four growing children would be hard to do in his father’s situation. He couldn’t expect Master Splinter to provide that.

Karai fixed his shirt collar so it laid flat. All his clothing had to be altered to fit him. Thankfully Shini was able to do most of the adjustments, his forearms and wrists were much larger than a humans and were one of the bigger problem areas in clothing. They had yet to figure out how to make pants look good on him, but Shini was determined.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I don’t know how long you can not tell your brothers about this,” Karai said as gently as she could but Leo could hear the strain in her voice.

Leo shook his head and smoothed his sleeves. A familiar weight settled in his chest and a prickly feeling clawed at his palms.

“You have a safe place to land if they don’t accept you.”

She added it like that was all it would entail. That he would tell his brothers about Master Splinter’s abuse and when they didn’t believe him, when they call him a liar, when they ask for the evidence he does not have, that it will be easy to pack a bag and cut them out of his life.

Things were not good with him and his brothers, but he knew his life would be so much worse without them.

Karai put her hand on his shoulder. “Remember to breathe.”

“I am breathing,” Leo hissed. He was breathing fine too, in and out rapidly just like any completely calm turtle would.

He pushed his gear to the side and sat back down on the bench with his head between his knees. Karai sat next to him and ran her hand up and down his shell careful to not stray any lower than the middle of his back.

“You cannot continue to bury your head in the sand, this will only continue to eat you up.”

“I did it again,” Leo admitted between huge gulps of air. “I lost it. I made Mikey cry.”

“Was it the cheese again?” Karai asked rubbing circles with the palm of her hand over his uppermost vertebral scute.

“It's always the stupid cheese!” Leo groaned while lifting his head. “I hate that cheese. His room smelled like it. And that damn tea!” he added with a snarl.

“Breathe,” she reminded him while pointing to the floor. “Did you yell at Mikey?

Leo put his head back between his knees. “No…” he said, trying to calm himself. “I just trashed the fridge.”

Not that trashing the fridge looked much better than having a meltdown on Mikey.

“Then that's progress.”

“Doesn't feel like progress,” Leo said bitterly.

He hadn’t even had the chance to say something to Mikey yet. He meant to, but it was hard to find the words.

It was hard to admit he was wrong to his little brother. He was their Sensei now, he was supposed to be the good example. Just like Master Splinter was.

“Well it is progress,” Karai stated. “It really is.”

Leo stayed quiet, his tiny panic attack had passed and the pins and needles in his hands were fading.

“You will always have a place here Leo. Always. And I want you to be able to call me whenever you need to,” she reminded him. “No matter where you are or what time it is you know I will find you and bring you here. I promise.”

Leo nodded but refused to look her in the eye. He didn’t like being a charity case, but he knew when his brothers found out he would have nowhere to go without Karai. He had burned his friendship with April to the ground during a breakdown. Casey was not up for guests let alone mutant turtle ones. Leatherhead was nice but Leo was sure Mikey would have a lot of issues with Leo staying with him.

As if Slash would let Leo join the Mutanimals anyway.

“Come on,” Karai said standing up and taking his hands. “Let’s go to the cafeteria.”

The cafeteria was meant to serve breakfast lunch and dinner to as many as one hundred Foot Soldiers at a time. Though most of them ate outside the facility under Karai’s leadership. The Shredder had been more strict about where the recruits were during their leisure hours.

“Shini is trying to make cloud eggs,” Karai said with three hair of annoyance and a sprinkle of confusion.

“What are cloud eggs?” Leo asked as he walked between the tables. A couple Foot Soldiers who had lingered from lunch elbowed each other in the ribs and pointed to him.

Leo looked away. He was kind of famous inside The Foot Clan. All his brothers were, but Leo had the added clout of being the one who killed Oroku Saki.

The loyal son… avenging his dead father and killing their clan’s enemy.

Karai sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I don't know Leo, she saw a picture and she made a high pitch noise and now I have to walk on eggshells.”

She forcefully threw the double doors of the kitchen open to reveal Shini bent over her phone watching some sort of tutorial. She was surrounded by used pans and empty egg cartons.

“You meant literally,” Leo said gesturing to the eggshells on the floor.

Karai rubbed the bottom of her shoe off on the floor. “I did,” she said. “Well, good luck getting breakfast.”

She started to leave and Leo did a double take between her and Shini. “Wait, you are leaving me here-”

“Leonardo!” Shini exclaimed, now noticing him. “Get over here and look at my egg.” She grabbed a plate and walked around the center island.

“Uh-”

“Like I said, good luck, I'll be back later-,” Karai said, backing away from Shini and her cloud egg. “I know. I am cheating on you today with some work but I will be back,” she said in response to Leo’s betrayed facial expression. “It is one meeting I am already five minutes late for. Eat a cloud egg.”

Leo slowly turned back to the demon holding a plate with a cloud egg on it three inches from his face.

“That doesn't look bad. Actually.” He took the plate and accompanying fork from Shini, shifting to hold his ice pack in the crook of his arm. A cloud egg was just scrambled egg whites with a soft poached yolk in the center.

Shini scoffed. “Doesn't look bad?” she asked, pointing a glittering fire orange nail at his plate. “Leo look! It is a yolk sitting on a fluffy cloud! Like the sun poking through a dreary day!”

Leo squinted at the cloud egg. “... I guess.”

“Hmmph!” Shini said, raising her chin in playful fashion. “Well you eat eggs raw so what do you know?”

Leo shook his head. “It's pretty Shini,” he said while cutting into it with his fork. “And, it tastes like an egg.”

She frowned, less than pleased with his review. “You want me to crack several eggs in a glass so you can drink them, don’t you?” she asked while getting a glass from the dishwasher. “Because you are nasty.”

“Yes, exactly Shini.”

She handed him a glass with six eggs, and grimaced as he guzzled them down.

“I get to walk you to therapy today,” Shini said.

“I do not need to be walked to therapy,” Leo reminded her, hoping against everything that she would continue to insist she escort him there. Normally it was Karai who walked him to Dr. Keno’s, and waited in the waiting room just in case, and then walked him back to his room.

And sat with him if he needed it.

“I know, but I'm still going to!” Shini said gleefully. “So, you want to help me clean up the kitchen when you're done with your breakfast?”

Leo suddenly wished he had taken his time drinking his eggs.

When your clan consists of young adults who were recruited from bad home lives; providing them with therapy is essential. One of the ways Karai reformed The Foot Clan was by hiring two therapists and a more specialized therapist after an unfortunate theme arose. Several Foot Soldier were victims of Childhood Sexual Assault. Of course no one knew who they were exactly, not even Karai. That was between them and Dr. Keno.

Leo felt the raw eggs in his stomach gurgle. He passed his cold pack between his hands. If he held it to his eye Shini would see his hand shake and he didn’t want the concern. He always felt shaky waiting for the assistant to tell him it was time to head back towards the offices.

To keep patient privacy Dr. Keno’s, Dr. Baker’s, and Dr. Grey’s offices were all connected to one hallway leading to the waiting room. That way no one from the waiting room could see what office a patient went into. Not that everyone who went in to see Dr. Keno was dealing with sexual assault, but Dr. Keno only saw those patients.

The waiting room was small and had nice cushioned chairs. There was a glass coffee table with a few pamphlets on it. Some were about mental health, others were specific to domestic violence.

There was one about sexual assault.

Leo kept his eyes away from that one.

When the phone rang behind the desk, Leo knew it was Dr. Keno calling to have Leo waved forward. His legs felt rubbery, he hated how anxious he would get before therapy.

“Leonardo,” Jillian said through the receptionist's window. “Dr. Keno will see you now.”

Leo stood up and so did Shini, she hugged him real tight, pinning his arms to his side. “You’ll be fine,” she assured him.

He couldn’t speak well, but he nodded and she released him. Hearing that helped a little. He nervously squished his cool pack in his hands while walking toward the door.

Dr. Keno’s office was tiny. Just enough room for his desk and couch. He was sitting in his chair waiting for Leo. He closed the door behind himself and sat down on the couch. Dr. Keno watched him with a big smile. He had perfectly done black hair held together with a lot of hair products. He was slim with an athletic build. He did dress a little like he was a chemistry teacher from the 1950’s but Leo was a giant turtle wearing clothes so he would never say anything.

If Leo remembered correctly from their earlier sessions, Dr. Keno was Filipino. Not that race mattered, but Leo had his hesitations about speaking to Japanese men. Dr. Keno being far from some of the defining things about Master Splinter definitely played a role in him opening up. Dr. Keno was young, happy, and never talked down to Leo.

“Good afternoon Leo,” Dr. Keno said, swiveling in his chair to give Leo his full undivided attention for the next hour. “How are you doing?”

Leo couldn’t fake it as well as he wanted. It was hard not to try to hide for just a little bit. He didn’t feel like himself sitting in front of Dr. Keno wearing clothes that weren’t his in a room he would have never seen himself in a year ago.

“I am okay.” He held his ice pack tightly. It was cold enough to make his hands cramp.

“And your brothers?” Dr. Keno asked.

He was always very good at leading into a conversation, letting Leo calm down from whatever anxiety he had gathered up beforehand. So he eagerly talked about Donnie’s new x-ray machine that he was mildly sure wouldn't give them cancer. He talked about Raph’s latest quilt that he thought no one knew about. And he talked about Mikey’s fantasy novel that he wanted Leo to illustrate. Leo would but he didn’t feel like he was that great at drawing.

“There is a little tension,” Leo admitted, now more comfortable.

Dr. Keno frowned. “Oh, regarding what?”

“It is going to be the one year anniversary of our father's death soon,” Leo explained. “Mikey really wants to go to the farmhouse to visit his grave.”

“And you don't want to?” Dr. Keno surmised.

Leo picked up his ice pack again. While talking about lighter things he had felt secure enough to put it to the side but now he needed to squish it some more. “It's not the grave, or his body being there,” Leo said on top of the quiet squelch-squelch of his plastic cool pack. “It's my brothers. They want to remember good things about our father and they keep asking about my private lessons with Master Splinter. I understand that they want stories so they can feel closer to our father but…”

In a cynical moment Leo had considered dropping it on them. Something horrible. Not the worst thing but he could tell them about being fingered. He could explain it was fine. Master Splinter said Sensei's would usually choose one student to take on as a special protégé, and do things with them that were secret.

But Leo wouldn’t do that to them. That would be an asshole move.

Dr. Keno gave Leo a sympathetic look. “Is it possible for them to go and for you to stay behind?” he offered.

“They think I am being selfish by not sharing these lessons. Not going with them will be seen as an excuse.”

“Is that something they have said or something you are speculating?” Dr. Keno asked.

Leo squished his ice pack, pushing all the cool gel into one corner before pressing it against his swollen black eye.

“What happened to your eye?” Dr. Keno asked.

“I hurt myself,” Leo said and regretted when he saw Dr. Keno’s eyebrows crease harder. “Not on purpose. I woke up with these. I don't know how else I could have gotten them unless I did them in my sleep.”

Dr. Keno grimaced. “Alright,” he said. “Those are some serious injuries to do to yourself in your sleep.”

Leo nodded. He was glad his clothes covered up the other scratches. He didn’t self harm though, and he didn’t really like that Dr. Keno jumped all the way to that conclusion. “It was a hard day,” he commented quietly.

“What happened?”

“Do you know about The Ethereal Being we have been tracking?” Leo asked. Because Dr. Keno worked mostly with Foot Soldiers Leo assumed he had heard from other patients about the current phenomenon. “Well,” Leo continued when Dr. Keno nodded. “Until last night it just seemed to pick people up and place them down, and last night it picked me up and my head hurt so bad. It was the worst flashback I've ever had. Uh…”

Leo pulled his ice pack away, now his eye was too cold and it was distracting him from explaining one of the worst parts of his flashback.

“It was when I developed a rash, around my…” Leo struggled to explain in detail. He often developed infections in his cloaca from his father’s lessons, but Dr. Keno was not familiar with his anatomical situation.

“Between your legs?” Dr. Keno guessed.

“Yes,” Leo said, since there was no better way to explain. “He was so apologetic. It made me feel good. I was just eight and for several days I got anything I wanted. Sleep. Television time. Treats. I got a lot of the attention that I liked from him and none of the weird things. I enjoyed it.”

“What did you father get?”

Leo shrugged. “I don't know what you mean.”

“Sounds to me like he got to make himself feel better about hurting you... while still continuing to hurt you,” Dr. Keno said, leaning back in his chair.

“Maybe,” Leo said, unwilling to argue for or against it. After all it was his fault, he should have known that his father was only doing that so he would continue to go along with the lessons. “I just, I hate myself so much. I never fought once.”

“You were young and you trusted your father to not abuse you. That is not something you can blame yourself for.”

Leo felt like that maybe applied up until a certain age. At some point he should have been old enough to say something, but he didn’t.

“I could have not drank the tea when I was older,” Leo admitted.

“What was this tea?” Dr. Keno asked.

Leo put his ice pack over his forehead, a headache was blooming. “Some ancient blend of his…” Leo explained. “It tastes like cloves and- and cinnamon. It was hot too. Like wasabi hot. It would make my stomach cramp. I had ulcers and sores in my throat from it but my father had tea and remedies for that as well.”

Anything to keep me from going to Donnie, Leo thought cynically.

Almost all of Leo’s medical care was done by Master Splinter up until his injury. But by then Master Splinter had to stop his private lessons with Leo, so Donnie could take over Leo’s medical needs when they arose and find no evidence of private lessons.

“What did it do?”

Leo moved the ice pack to cover his eyes. “It would paralyze me- then he would-”

When he was little, Master Splinter could hold his tail back easier, but as Leo got older his tail became stronger and it became harder to counter Leo’s flinching. Paralyzing Leo made their lessons go smoother.

“That is awful Leo,” Dr. Keno said earnestly. “I am so sorry.”

He used the ice pack to try and dry his eyes. “I have that thing- where you wake up unable to move- sleep paralysis. And today when I woke up I couldn't move and he was standing over my bed-”

He pushed his face hard into the ice pack, he didn’t care about his tender swollen eye, he just wanted to stop crying. His throat started to feel tight and it felt like someone was injecting air into the base of his skull.

“Easy now,” Dr. Keno said. “Try to just take one really deep breath and hold it for a few seconds.”

He did as instructed, but his lungs were cut in half. His chest hurt and he felt sick to his stomach.

“Would you like me to call Karai in?” Dr. Keno asked.

Leo nodded quickly. There had only been one other time that Karai had needed to come in, back during his first session when he was too hesitant of Dr. Keno to even speak.

Dr. Keno picked up his phone, Leo was breathing too hard to hear what he said exactly but a few moments later the door opened and closed and Karai was sitting next to him.

“Hey,” she said quietly. “I’m here, what’s going on?”

She touched his shoulder and when he dipped away from her she retracted her hand. Leo felt badly about flinching away from her, he wanted her there but hands were restricting and dangerous. Even the safe zones like his shoulder were off limits.

“I can't do it,” Leo croaked, using his sleeve to wipe his eyes. “I barely survived the funeral. But if I don't go then they'll think badly of me, but if- but if- If I tell them why I can't go they'll hate me.”

Before he could soak his other sleeve with more tears Karai handed him several tissues. He took them and then took her hand.

“Why will they hate you, Leo?” Dr. Keno asked.

“They won't believe me,” he explained. “Why would they?”

“They would Leo,” Karai countered from his right side, still holding his hand as tightly as he was holding her. “They would.”

“And what if they don't?” Leo asked. “What if they never talk to me again? I never told Master Splinter to stop. I don’t have any evidence of what he did to me. What if I am making it into a big deal? So what if my father raped- raped me? So what?”

There was a pause.

Dr. Keno leaned forward, Leo didn’t have to look up to confirm it, he heard his chair creak.

“Leo, did you hear what you just said?” he asked.

Leo looked to Dr. Keno and then Karai. They both looked almost relieved but he had no idea why.

“That is the first time I’ve ever heard you say it,” Dr. Keno said, nodding his head encouragingly.

“Master Splinter… raped me,” he said quietly.

“Yes, he did,” Dr. Keno said.

Leo swallowed the lump in his throat. “Master Splinter raped me,” he repeated firmer.

Karai squeezed his hand and Leo squeezed it back. Those four words almost felt good to say out loud.

“If I may suggest something,” Dr. Keno said. “It's not uncommon for this kind of news to be broken with a mediator. We could invite your brothers here for a family session.”

The good feeling started to crawl away at the idea of saying those four words to his brothers.

“It is also not uncommon for a parent to victimize more than one of their children. You might not be the only one who has been hurt,” Dr. Keno said.

Leo shook his head. He was the only one. Master Splinter told him he was the only one and all of his siblings seemed equally upset with the closeness of their relationship.

“Then why wouldn't they say anything?” Leo asked.

“The same reason you haven't,” Dr. Keno said. “Fear of alienation. Fear of abandonment.”

“Opening up to your brothers might give them the chance to open up as well,” Karai said quietly. “And even if you were your father’s only victim they would believe you. I know they would.”

Sometimes he felt strong, sometimes he felt disconnected enough to tell his brothers. But deep down he knew that would only last until they started to accuse him of lying. He had nightmares about his brothers calling him a liar and throwing him out of their lives. They were all he had, and maybe things weren’t always great between him and his siblings. But he still enjoyed them… from a distance. He didn’t really like all the touching they tried to include him in. The hugging and cuddling and piling up to sleep.

“How would it work?” Leo asked, not sure if this was a good idea. “What would happen if we did it? How would I tell them?”

He was certain he would freeze up if he was supposed to tell them.

“We could invite them here. You could write a letter to your brothers and I could read it to them. I could even help you get your thoughts down on paper,” Dr. Keno suggested.

Leo felt a wave of stomach cramps hit him. He let go of Karai’s hand so he could hug his middle.

“How about this,” Dr. Keno said, gathering up his notepad and plucking a pen from the mug on his desk. “Next week we meet with the intent of planning out from start to finish a meeting with your brothers. Between now and then you can start putting down what you want them to know.”

“I don’t want to tell them everything-,” Leo said quickly. “It’s gross, I’m gross.”

“Male rape victims often feel like they grant consent because their bodies react in certain ways during the assault. You do not need to go into details about how your body involuntarily reacted. It will be enough to tell your brothers that your father was sexually inappropriate with you and the details are not up for discussion or scrutiny.”

Leo averted his glance from Karai and Dr. Keno. Even if both of them knew about him being forced to ejaculate, and Master Splinter using it against him, it was still highly humiliating. And it was not something he wanted his brothers to ever think about.

“This hurts my head so much,” Leo complained. “They’ll never look at me the same way.”

They’ll never want to be near me either, he thought bitterly.

“Would you like Shini and I to be there too? It might even things out if there are three people in the room who already believe you,” Karai suggested.

Then again she was tactical and knew Leo didn’t like walking into situations where he was outnumbered.

“Would that put you more at ease Leo?” Dr. Keno asked.

Leo swallowed, his stomach was burning. “I don’t know, I don’t know how any of this will end well.”

“Well, let’s do this. We’ll meet next week and talk about a group therapy session in more detail. We can go through some what if scenarios, we can roleplay through what your brothers might say, and we can lay out clear boundaries. Either way if things get too overwhelming I can take over the conversation.”

“Okay,” Leo said, more eager to agree and leave than to actually go through with this plan. He was being backed in a corner and he wanted to throw up and be alone for a while.

“And you aren't forced into this Leo,” Dr. Keno continued. “We can plan it out and if you become uncomfortable we can push the meeting back or never do it. Okay?”

“‘Kay,” Leo whispered.

“Come on, do you want to go back to your room?” Karai asked, standing up and waiting for him.

Leo quickly stood up, still holding his ice pack and used tissues. “Yes,” he said to Karai’s feet. “Thank you, Keno, for the talk,” he said towards the chair wheels.

“You’re welcome, Leo. I will see you next week,” Dr. Keno said as Karai opened the door.

They walked down the hallway and back into the waiting room, before Leo had to press his hand over his mouth.

“Are you going to be sick?” Karai asked.

Leo nodded before ducking into the unisex bathroom attached to the waiting room.

Mikey [Friday, 9:44:05 PM]

I’m spending the night with LH.

Donnie [Friday, 9:44:58 PM]

Use protection.

Raph [Friday, 9:50:30 PM]

Listen to Donnie.

Mikey [Friday, 9:51:03 PM]

You guys are gross. :(

“Everything okay?” Shini asked, trying to peak over his shoulder at his phone.

Leo closed the screen before she could read anything. “Mikey is staying the night with Leatherhead.”

“Are they…?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t say anything. I’d be a hypocrite to tell any of my brothers who they should or shouldn’t have sex with,” Leo pointed out.

Shini twisted her mouth into a wry line.

“Do you think I would be interested in sex if Master Splinter hadn’t been that way with me?” Leo asked while wiping the screen of his phone on his blankets.

They were sitting on Leo’s bed, the place he had hunkered down after being sick in the bathroom. He had his system after bad therapy appointments. Part of that system was layering himself in blankets and surrounding himself in heavy soft pillows.

His head still ached from therapy but it wasn’t so bad he had to stay laying down. He could sit up now and think about getting out of bed. Shini had brought him an orange jello cup and a glass of ice water at around seven and he still wasn’t very hungry. His stomach was cramped up, and the question he just asked her wasn’t helping.

“I think you are not the first person to ask if they were made a certain way because of a horrible event,” Shini said kindly.

“So am I really-”

“You should be wherever you are comfortable,” Shini interrupted. “And if the idea of sex with, well, with anyone, makes you uncomfortable, then you shouldn’t have sex.”

Leo stayed quiet. There was a word swimming between them. Asexuality. And Leo felt like everything he read about it fit him perfectly, the idea of sex where he was involved made him squirm. It was trying too hard to put a puzzle piece somewhere it didn’t belong.

He couldn’t help wondering if he would have fit somewhere had Master Splinter not bent him out of shape and ruined him.

“You own your body, okay?” Shini said.

“Okay, thanks Shini,” Leo said. “For the insight.”

She flopped back against the pillows and felt around for the remote. “What is even on TV at this hour on a Friday?”

Leo looked up at the guide Shini was thumbing. The flat screen TV mounted in front of his bed on the opposite was the only light in the room. Another reminder that it was late and Shini was getting tired. She and Karai didn’t sleep until ten in the morning like he did.

Shini tapped him with the remote. “Look, that British cooking show is on.”

Leo read the description. “I have seen that season.”

“Who wins?”

“I’m not telling you.”

“Uhg, you suck and I hate you.”

“Who sucks?” Karai asked as she came through the door with a plastic bag.

Shini immediately jumped off the bed. “Finally!” she said, taking the bag from Karai.

Karai locked the door and kicked her shoes off, she came around to Leo’s side of the bed and sat down. “You feeling okay?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Leo lied.

He felt dread more than anything. Around midnight he would need to head home when he really would rather do anything else.

She didn’t press it, probably because Leo moved his pillows in closer. Not to protect himself or anything, just because he suddenly needed the pillows right next to him.

“Leo, do you want Lemon Cake or Blueberry Crumble first?” Shini asked, crouching next to the mini fridge. Another thing that separated his room at The Foot Clan’s Headquarters and the one in The Lair.

Leo’s Therapy Day routine involved resting and relaxation. Shini and Karai had for the past seven month added binging on Halo Top ice cream to that.

He wasn’t complaining. It was a very welcomed addition to sit in bed with his best friends and eat ice cream while watching whatever happened to be on TV.

“Lemon Cake,” Leo said, watching Shini put the other one in the fridge for round two. She sat Lemon Cake next to Karai’s favorite flavor Pistachio and her favorite flavor Birthday Cake.

Karai smushed herself onto the middle of the bed and propped up against the headboard. “Oh I’ve seen this season,” she said while turning up the volume.

“Who wins?” Shini asked, crawling on the bed. She handed the appropriate Halo Tops to them along with spoons and napkins before propping herself against the headboard next to Karai.

Leo quietly thumbed a text to his brothers.

Leo [Friday, 10:09:10 PM] [sent] [seen]

Be safe Mikey. I am staying overnight at Karai’s. See you three tomorrow. Goodnight.

He then put his phone on silent and leaned over to plug it into his charger. He would deal with any comments about it in the morning. Looking at things logically if he was going to have another bout of anxiety he would rather do it here than at home. He didn’t feel like leaving in two hours. He felt like eating low calories ice cream and sleeping as hard as he physically could.

“I’m not telling you,” Karai said as she peeled the foil seal off her pint of ice cream. “Then it’s not fun.”

“But if you don’t tell me, I may pick someone who gets voted off as my favorite,” Shini complained.

She ended up picking Michael who would be voted off at the end of episode three. Karai and Leo said nothing though.

With chalky ice cream in hand, they ate and watched their baking show. Leo had always been very grateful that Shini and Karai never treated him differently after finding out about Master Splinter. They remained a good trio of friends, even when they weren't lighting things on fire.

He didn’t know if he would still be around if it hadn’t been for Karai and Shini. Just having two people know helped so much, having people that he could ask for a second opinion. It kept him from circling the drain endlessly not knowing if he was going to get pulled under or plucked out just in time.

He knew that even if his brothers disowned him Karai and Shini wouldn't let him drown, and sometimes that was the single comforting thought that let him fall asleep at night.

Chapter Text

Leatherhead was nineteen and a half. Mikey was seventeen, ten months, and three weeks. His brothers joked about sex but Mikey was planning on waiting until he was eighteen. Master Splinter had passed on but when they were little he stressed that they should wait until they were legal adults before having sex.

Back then Mikey thought he would never need to worry about such things. No twelve year old imagines themselves falling in love with a male mutant alligator.

Now Mikey was no fool, he was pretty damn certain Casey and Raph had done the deed. Donnie was getting steadily more hands on with April but they were taking things slow.

Leo...

Leo was not having sex. Having sex involved being touched and Leo despised physical contact. The dude would literally flinch away from them like he was getting burned. And he even did it with Karai and Shini. Just not as much as he did it with them.

Not that Mikey was jaded or anything but Shini and Karai barely knew Leo and they got to sit right next to him anytime they wanted. And it was thighs-next-to-thighs kind of sitting. Mikey had looked to confirm, there was no space between Shini, Karai, and Leo when they sat on a bench or couch together. And Leo was usually in the middle, right between them. They got to be in his bubble, his personal space bubble without him acting like they were going to hold him down and punch him.

It used to be fun to mess with Leo’s space bubble, to tickle him and tackle him. Mikey was ten when he heard Leo breathing hard in the bathroom after rough housing with him, so he stopped playing those kinds of pranks. Now he stuck to water balloons and whoopee cushions. Stuff that can be done from across the room.

Pranks are fun. Making Leo have a hard breathing episode isn’t.

Mikey loved getting hugged and tackled. He loved being under the pile, he loved being someone’s pillow. Physical contact was his life line.

It was Leatherhead’s too.

Guess that’s what happens to mutants who grow up in labs. Mikey had to teach Leatherhead what a hug was, the dude did not grasp the concept at first but was a quick learner so they started hugging a lot.

Then Mikey started developing very confusing thoughts about Leatherhead. Ones that made his tail quiver. Ones that visited him during his alone time. That was the shortened version of how they ended up here, almost counting down the days until Mikey was eighteen and they could find out what comes after hugging and kissing.

Mikey was really nervous. He was excited too… but he was mostly scared. Sex was a big step. It was important to only do it with someone you love.

Master Splinter always stressed that.

At least Mikey knew he loved Leatherhead. Yeah, the big mutated alligator was a pretty awesome boyfriend.

Leatherhead was also a great swimmer. A really fast swimmer. He had those webbed hands and feet that made for awesome hugs and back rubs but also killer acceleration underwater. Yeah, sure, feeling the wind on his face was great, but the rush of flying through water just didn’t compare.

Mikey was enjoying their current activity of swimming around the deep immersion pool at the Mighty Mutanimals Base. The game was simply to hold on while Leatherhead swam like a mad alligator. Death rolling every which way.

It was hard to hold on, it was like being on a rock climbing wall that got tossed out the back of an airplane, but it was so much fun. Mikey could swim for hours with Leatherhead. That’s what Mikey despised about those TV couples. Romantic dinners? Long walks on the beach?

Boring with a capital B and a lowercase o and a lowercase r and- well you get the idea.

Mikey needed energy. He needed to do something. Movies and snacking were for when they were too tired from all the other cool stuff like tag and capture the flag and VR video games or laser tag-

Laser tag would be awesome!

That was the last thought he had before his grip on Leatherhead’s osteoderms loosened and his vision faded to black.

In a breezy field Mikey the Forest Dog sprang to life. Which was the best thing ever because Mikey had this dream last night and he was in the middle of rolling around in this lush field when he woke up which wasn’t cool at all. Mikey never has super lucid dreams like that and he even did all the stuff Donnie told him to.

For a second Mikey just listened to the wind. It was fun last time because it was a dream… and you wake up from dreams. Now he was back and it was like a direct continuation. Even that cloud that looked like a stick of deodorant from last time was still hanging around.

The wind rustled his fur. His white fur. A little green in places from where he had been rolling around in the grass, but originally he had been just white and black.

Mikey thought he looked like a really awesome dog. He almost asked Leo to draw him when he woke up because the dog version of himself looked wicked awesome. Then he remembered that not so awesome fight they had and decided it would probably be best to stay away from Leo.

Mikey had a white belly, back, and sides. His front legs were super black. Dipped in printer ink kind of black. So was his chest and sort of behind his neck. He had no idea what his face looked like. His hind legs were also black. Mikey thought it made him look like a dog wearing some black pants. He had a long fluffy tail that was white and fun to chase.

He had no idea what kind of dog or wolf he was. He felt pretty big but he had nothing to base his size on.

The only thing Mikey knew now was that he was somehow back in this dream. He couldn't even remember falling asleep, or getting ready for bed.

"Alright…" Mikey half laughed. "This is cool and all brain, but uh, I think i should wake up now."

Of course that didn't work.

Yesterday he woke up at ten in the freaking morning for no reason. Leo is the only one crazy enough to be up at ten in the morning. Mikey needed his beauty sleep though, waking up at ten was just not right. It broke laws and war treaties.

Mikey walked in a circle for a second. Everything felt so real it was freaking him out. He pawed at the grass, combing it with his nails. Uhg. So weird feeling! Was this his brain just guessing what this kind of thick lush grass would feel like?

Mikey's lungs burned. The first thing he did was twist his body away from whoever was holding him so he could cough. His head hurt too, like when you breathe in pool water. Which was exactly what he had done.

"Michelangelo I am so sorry, I am so sorry," Leatherhead said, his voice cracking.

Sorry for what? Mikey wondered, still choking.

"I hit the emergency button like you said big dude," Mondo hollered, holding Mikey's phone in his hand as he ran up to the edge of the pool. "Brothers are on the way."

Mikey kept coughing. He had sucked in a lot of pool water and there was nothing Mondo or Leatherhead could do but watch him hack it all up. Leatherhead had his big webbed hands hovering above Mikey, too nervous to touch him. Likely thinking he had done enough harm already.

"I was holding onto you fine," Mikey said between smaller coughs. "I think I just passed out?"

Mondo came over and grabbed Mikey's head. "I don't see any bumps man, does it hurt when I do this?" He asked, while rubbing his fingers into Mikey's scalp.

Mikey pushed Mondo's hands away. "No, feels like a bad head massage," he said. His voice sounded scratchy and raw.

"That is not good Michelangelo," Leatherhead said.

"Maybe you should see Dr. Rockwell?" Mondo suggested. "I could go get him."

As much as Mikey hated the idea, he also knew randomly passing out was a bad sign.

“You think there is something wrong with me?" Mikey asked, looking up at Leatherhead. "Am I dying?"

Oh god he was dying. He had seen enough movies to know that random passing out was like a symptom of a terminal illness. Panic swept over him and he whimpered under his breath. He didn't want to die, he was too young and he would miss his brothers and-

Leatherhead picked him up and hugged him. They were both sopping wet still from the pool. "You are not dying," he rumbled.

"Yeah it could be like blood sugar or something!" Mondo said. "Maybe you just need a snack."

Mikey's eyes lit up. "Well, I guess I am hungry…" he said. He chose to forget the fact that he was always hungry.

Rockwell took his blood which Mikey hated. Personally if he had to rate his blood stealing experiences then Donnie was the best at it, like number one. He always found the vein on the first go like a vein seeking missile. Not Rockwell though, Rockwell poked him a million times trying to get blood.

After being subjected to Rockwell's abuse Mikey was told to eat something not full of sugar and to drink some water. In the name of health Mikey used the Mighty Mutanimal's communal kitchen to slice up two apples and get a saucer with peanut butter.

Apples were fruit, and fruit was like the cousin of a vegetable. Peanuts came from a plant too; they were probably full of health. The butter made sure the snack wasn't too healthy though. Mikey didn't want to overdose on too much health, it would shock his system.

Leatherhead was still super guilty about him passing out. He was treating Mikey like glass which sucked, he really wouldn't mind alligator snuggles until his brothers arrived. Sure he was okay now but who knows, he could still be dying. The jury was still out on that one.

Mikey scooted over closer to his boyfriend. They were hanging out in the kitchen while Mikey ate his very healthy snack, but Leatherhead was keeping space between them. He was hunched down like he was trying to be as small as possible.

That doesn't really work when you're a huge mutant alligator but man was Leatherhead trying.

It was physically painful for Mikey to have another person he loves shrink away. It erupted this sense of urgency in his chest to quickly grab Leatherhead before he could leave.

"You want some of my snack?" Mikey offered.

Leatherhead shook his head. "I am okay, you should eat."

"I am eating," Mikey said cheerfully, even though he felt the waves of guilt and self loathing spilling out of Leatherhead's soul.

And so they sat somewhat distanced from each other with only the hum of the refrigerator to keep the deafening silence at bay.

Donnie arrived first. He arrived calm and serious. He entered the kitchen area swiftly and set his medical bag down next to Mikey’s plate. That was when Leatherhead left silently.

"Are you sure you didn't hit your head?" Donnie asked, gently palpitating Mikey's skull.

"I'm positive," Mikey said. "I just passed out."

"Underwater," Donnie added, feeling the back of Mikey's neck and running his fingers on each side of his spine up until the point where it fused into his shell.

Mikey looked away. "Well I didn't mean to pass out," he said.

Donnie sighed and held Mikey's shoulders. "You weren't fasting again were you?"

"No," Mikey said a little too quickly even though he was telling the truth. "Me and Leatherhead had lasagna and then we went swimming and I felt fine. Completely fine…  right until I passed out."

Donnie was looking him dead in the eye, trying to figure out if he was really telling the truth. "You're staying in the infirmary tonight-"

"Noooooo," Mikey whined. "It sucks in there!"

"You nearly drowned," Donnie scolded. "You're staying in the infirmary tonight."

"Uhhhg, I'll die of boredom!" Mikey clutched his chest, "I can feel it now. I'm having a boredom attack!" He fell off his chair dramatically and rolled around on the floor.

An unamused Donnie stood above him with his arms crossed. He opened his mouth like he was about to say something then paused. "Wait, what time exactly did you pass out?"

Mikey stopped rolling around and sat up. "I don't know, I think Leatherhead told Rockwell but I was still coughing and I had all this snot coming out of my nose. The long stringy kind too where you can kind of pull on it like a piece of spaghetti only stretchier-"

"Yes yes yes, that's a wonderful description Mikey," he said pinching his eyes shut, "I ask because according to Metalhead I fell asleep at my desk and was unresponsive to his wake up protocol."

Mikey stared up at Donnie, and a little past him too. "Wake up protocol?"

"Well see last night I was in the middle of some time sensitive experiments. I had some mixtures on burners. I apparently was really tired because I woke up on my lab floor with crusty useless gunk in the bottom of my beakers. So tonight I gave Metalhead permission to wake me up so I didn't have to start my experiments over again."

"Why did you spend all day teaching Metalhead to keep you up all night so you could do experiments at night... when you could have done them during the day and then gone to bed at night?" Mikey asked. "Isn't that a little redundant?"

Donnie frowned and raised a finger then lowered it again.

Raph burst into the kitchen area and zeroed in on Mikey. “Are you okay?” he asked, frantically pulling Mikey into a tight bear hug right off the floor.

All the air that was ever in Mikey’s lungs was squeezed out. This is what a stress toy probably feels like moments before it’s popped. “Hhhhh,” was all Mikey could say with the wind rushing out of his mouth.

“He looks okay for now, but he’s spending the night in the infirmary,” Donnie said while packing up his med bag. “Did you talk to Leo?”

Raph nodded while suffocating Mikey. “Yeah, he’s bringing the van.”

“Good, good. I am going to talk to Rockwell, when Leo gets here we’ll go home,” Donnie said and then left.

Mikey squirmed out of Raph’s iron grip. “Sorry for ruining your guy’s nights,” he said.

Raph helped him stand up. “I’m just glad you’re okay, Mikey.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course,” Raph said. “So uh… you use protection?” he asked with a cheeky grin.

“I told you I’m waiting until I’m eighteen,” Mikey said. “Unlike some turtles,” he added with a dash of judgement, eyeing Raph from his feet wrappings to his mask.

Raph rolled his eyes, “Oh come off it Mikey. The three of us are having sex, the wait until your eighteen bullshit is for puritans.”

“Master Splinter said-”

“Well Master Splinter ain’t here no more,” Raph interrupted just as Leo came in the room behind him. “And Leo can’t say shit about it either because he’s seventeen too and you know he’s having sex with Karai.”

Mikey opened his mouth, his eyes locked with Leo’s. “Raph-”

“No, he’s out there with a goddamn fucking schedule. Dude is getting laid at a regular pace and he’s still a complete and total asshole to us. That’s the wise Sensei that Splinter dropped on us. For fuck sake did he even apologize to you before he ran off to plunge his face into Karai’s cleavage? Trust me, Master Splinter ain’t gonna be looking down at the three of us disappointed because we didn’t wait until we were legal adults to have sex.”

Leo slowly backed up until he was around the corner. The way his face had broken before he was completely out of sight scared Mikey.

“Raph!”

“What?” he asked, following Mikey’s twisted up line of sight to look behind him. He turned back and closed his eyes in regret. “Leo was behind me.”

“Yeah,” Mikey said. “Was.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

Raph opened his eyes and pursed his lips. “I didn’t mean- I was just- that talk was just supposed to be between us. I’d never say that to his face.”

“I know,” Mikey said, feeling his throat constrict. “But he heard it, and I’ll admit, kind of feels like maybe you are holding on to a lot of resentment.”

“All those private lessons,” Raph said with disgust. “Master Splinter said he was leaving Leo with years worth of lessons for us.”

Mikey winced. They had all pestered Leo for those lessons, but Leo continued to make his own lessons for them and never had a very good excuse as to why they could at least see the stuff Master Splinter left for them. They were all Master Splinter’s sons but Leo was the son. The one Master Splinter invested most of his time into apparently to make sure they would survive long after his death.

But Mikey felt like the rift between them and Leo got wider and wider every single day.

“Come on you two,” Donnie said coming into the kitchen. “Leo’s in the van ready to drive us home.”

Raph took a deep breath. “I’ll take the passenger’s seat. The doctor should stay with his patient, you know?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess,” Donnie said, slightly confused. “He’s not in critical condition but if it makes you feel better Mikey I’ll sit in the back with you.”

“Thanks D!” Mikey said brightly as he could given what just happened. “Can I invite Leatherhead to stay the night with me?”

Donnie raised one of his eye ridges. “You still have to stay in the infirmary tonight.”

“I know,” Mikey said, a little bummed that Donnie was still firm on that. “So can he come?”

“He won’t fit in the van,” Raph reminded him.

Mikey ignored him, Leatherhead normally walked to The Lair. “Okay I’ll invite him and then we can go home,” he said running off to Leatherhead’s room.

It was on the bottom floor of the warehouse. He entered without knocking knowing Leatherhead would be too guilt ridden to respond or open the door. Sure enough his boyfriend was curled up in the corner of his room in a nest of blankets.

“Hey, you wanna come to The Lair tonight?” Mikey asked while running his hand down the bookshelves that lined one wall of Leatherhead’s room. “Stay the night, maybe most of tomorrow?”

Leatherhead turned around with a sad grimace. “Is that okay with your brothers?”

Mikey batted his hand. “Totally.”

His brothers loved Leatherhead, if they didn’t they were doing a very good job at pretending they did. Still Leatherhead looked like he had been kicked repeatedly, which he had in a way by mentally kicking himself.

Mikey dropped the hyper-happy demeanor and squatted down in front of Leatherhead.

“They don’t blame you for me passing out,” Mikey said, resting his hand on the end of Leatherhead’s snout.

“I am very sorry,” Leatherhead said, drawing away from Mikey’s hand.

Mikey let his hand fall to his side. “Dude, why?”

“I often wonder if this will work out between us, or if I am too big for something as small and fragile as you.”

“Hey! I’m not small! Or fragile!” Mikey said, only slightly offended.

Though as Mikey said it one fear did sit heavily on his chest. The fear of sex. There wasn’t anything on Mikey that was very exposed, he was very tucked away. It is easy to be brave about being around Leatherhead when the most delicate part of himself was nowhere to be found.

And Mikey’s imagination ran wild, but it was ultimately poisoned by a fear that he could never voice. Leatherhead was teeth and claws and rough edges. He was ten times stronger than Mikey and so much bigger. Sex with Leatherhead scared Mikey as much as it enticed him.

Still squatted down he took a deep breath. “You’ve never hurt me, and you didn’t hurt me today,” he said more gently, with a softer voice that made Leatherhead close his eyes.

The alligator curled further into himself.

“Please?” Mikey asked. Now he felt bad about passing out because passing out made Leatherhead blame himself.

“I think it is best if I stay here.”

Mikey stood up and left quickly, letting the door to Leatherhead’s room fall shut behind him as he nearly ran to the Party Wagon.

He yanked the back doors of the van open and slammed them shut behind him. He sat down next to Donnie and pulled his knees to his chest.

Donnie gave him an alarmed look, “Is Leatherhead-”

Donnie promptly dropped the question when Mikey buried his face into the top of his knees. He instead put his arm around Mikey’s shell and sighed. “Let’s go home.”

After Donnie did all the things Rockwell did, Mikey was left with another bandage on his arm and a sour mood to match.

The car ride back to The Lair gave Mikey ample time to forgive Leatherhead for staying behind. Things were pretty tense around The Lair with Raph and Leo butting heads, asking Leatherhead to be around while that was going on wouldn’t be considerate.

When Leo peaked into the infirmary, Mikey singled him out.

“Hey Leo, tell Donnie I don’t need to stay in here all night,” he complained, flopping back against his pillows, ignoring the glare Donnie threw him from his desk.

Leo walked in but shook his head. “Sorry little brother, doctor’s orders.”

“Speaking of that,” Donnie said, narrowing in on Leo as he stepped away from his desk. “I want to look at these-”

Leo flinched away, pulling his head into his shell slightly while blocking Donnie’s hand. Donnie pulled away with an irritated grimace, staring down the shorter turtle for avoiding medical attention.

“Karai looked at them,” Leo said shortly.

“Well Karai isn’t me,” Donnie stressed, not hiding his possessiveness tonight.

Mikey looked between his brothers, ready to crack a joke if they didn’t drop it.

“Donatello,” Leo said sternly, giving off a major “don't touch me” vibe.

But Leo was always like that after his standing dates with Karai, and Donnie was on high injury alert because Mikey passed out. So it was tricky and bad timing and left Mikey feeling really uncomfortable just watching this.

“Fine.” Donnie walked out of the infirmary. “I can’t handle two idiots tonight.”

Leo sighed, his shoulders dropping as soon as Donnie was out of sight.

“You should let Donnie check you over Leo, he’s really gentle and it never hurts at all,” Mikey said.

A glared flashed over Leo’s face before he paused and reconsidered. “I know Mikey, it’s not that simple.”

“Why not?” Mikey asked, tilting his head and playing the village idiot. Unassuming and innocent.

“Look,” Leo started as he came to sit on the edge of Mikey’s bed. “Uh, I wanted to apologize to you.”

Mikey hummed. “Oh, whatever for?” he asked cheerfully. “It has been so long I forgot what happened.”

He had not forgotten in the slightest, but waiting over twenty four hours for an apology meant he didn’t feel guilty about making Leo work for forgiveness.

Leo winced. “I was going to apologize to you this morning but-”

“You got into a fight with Raph.”

“Yes,” Leo admitted. “And I stormed out of here. I am sorry for what I did, I am still working on trying to reel in my compulsivities towards Master Splinter’s offerings. Last night is proof that I still have... a lot to work through.”

Mikey stared at his older brother.

Leo was making it really hard to hold a grudge when that was like the most sincere apology he had ever heard from him. And he hadn’t even been able to record it. Seriously, they needed to mark this day on the calendar; Leo admitted he gets too extra over Master Splinter’s food offerings.

“I don’t accept your apology,” Mikey said, because even though it was a really good apology, he had planned on getting something from Leo.

Leo gave a stiff nod. “That is fair.”

Crap, he was feeling progressively worse about this, but it wasn’t just something for him. It was for Raph and Donnie’s sake too.

“I want us to go visit his grave.”

Leo looked at Mikey almost alarmed. “I can’t go back there,” he said urgently, like the place was haunted or he was scared.

“But we want to,” Mikey stressed. “Raph and Donnie want to. And what we want has to mean something to you right?”

He may be their Sensei now, but he had to feel bad about denying them this. If they put it to a vote it would be three to one unless Donnie caved and tied it.

Actually, now that Mikey thought about it, Donnie would do that so it’s a good thing this wasn’t being put to a vote.

Leo rocked back and forth on the edge of the bed, and shook his head.

“And we thought maybe it is time you share some of those private lessons, it’s been a year after all,” Mikey pushed.

The rocking abruptly stopped.

“In two weeks I will tell you about my private lessons with Master Splinter,” Leo said.

That was not the answer Mikey had expected at all.

“But I am not going to see his grave,” Leo said.

“He died on the 21st Leo… and the funeral was on the 25th… why do we need to wait two weeks. Why can’t you just tell us now?”

“It is complicated Mikey, I need to get some things in order,” Leo said, rocking again. “And afterwards things might change around here.”

“What do you mean,” Mikey asked, wishing Leo would at least look at him.

“I might not be around as much or at all,” Leo said quietly, as if he was uncertain about it.

“Is that part of you teaching us the lessons Master Splinter left behind?”

Leo looked over to Mikey then down at the bed. “Yes.”

“I don’t want you to leave though,” Mikey said, worried now that Leo was serious or maybe even talking about leaving in a different way.

He knew Leo had some issues, but did that mean he was suicidal?

Leo sat up straighter, smoothing his face. “Do you accept my apology for the cheese incident?” he asked.

Mikey recognized when Leo was pushing things down, and sadly once Leo put on the leader hat it was like super glued on.

“Yes, but only if you hug me,” Mikey said.

Leo gave him a flat look.

“I almost drowned today-”

With a great sigh Leo got up and came closer to Mikey, he leaned down and hugged him tightly. Mikey took full advantage of the hug to really squeeze Leo and rub his back a bit. After a few seconds passed, Leo pulled away and walked out of the infirmary quickly.

The clock on Donnie’s desk said it was five in the morning. Mikey was used to staying up until four playing video games. He was really into Animal Crossing at the moment and oh yeah he totally forgot to charge his Switch after it died last night. He meant to but then he had to take a shower before going over to see Leatherhead.

And then Raph and Donnie asked him if Leo snuck out and he got distracted.

And now he was thinking about Leatherhead again when all he wanted to do was go to sleep because it was like five in the fricken morning and he was bored.

So instead he rolled onto his stomach and stretched his hand out to nudge Donnie on the cot next to his bed because this was all Donnie’s fault and he would totally be asleep if he was in his own room.

Donnie smacked his hand away.

“Did you just smack your patient?” Mikey asked, shocked.

His brother had zero bedside manners.

“Mikey, I am exhausted,” Donnie said, voice muffled by his pillow. “Please go to sleep.”

Mikey shook him harder. “Dude I am tired too! I’ve been swimming all day and I just can’t get comfortable! Uhg!”

“Mmm.”

“If you’re so exhausted why aren’t you asleep?” Mikey pestered.

“I am not comfortable.”

“Hmph,” Mikey snorted, flopping back over on his back.

“It’s like I know I should be falling asleep, I am on my left side, my preferred side,” he reasoned. “I feel like I should be asleep right now. Instead I am lying here with my eyes closed thinking.”

Mikey nodded a few times, Donnie was being boring. “Can I turn on the TV?”

“How are you going to sleep with the TV on?” Donnie asked.

“Well this is boring!” Mikey complained. “I’ll put it on low, maybe there is something on TV that will bore me to sleep, you know?”

He was already getting out of bed to fetch the remote. Maybe the local news would be just the right thing to put him under.

Donnie sat up and stretched. “I have supplements that might help us sleep,” he said more to himself than Mikey. “I’ll get those.”

“Oh and some hot cocoa!” Mikey said, jumping back on his bed.

“Really?” Donnie said, looking back at Mikey with black circles under his eyes.

“And some toast, with butter, and that fig jam!” Mikey said tapping the remote to his chin.

What? He was the patient after all!

Donnie sighed. “You… are something else,” he said before leaving.

“Damn you are tired,” Mikey said, turning on the TV. “Too tired to even throw out a real insult.”

The news was accidentally kind of interesting. For instance Mikey knew the best traffic route if he needed to get to the Empire State building or surrounding area by seven. He would need to be careful because there is road work on West 33rd Street.

“Here’s your toast” Donnie said with a yawn, “and this is L-Tryptophan. Might help you fall asleep.”

Mikey turned his lip up at the three capsules next to his toast and hot cocoa. “Uh-”

Then Raph stomped in with three bags of dry cereal and that was speaking Mikey’s language. 

“You better plan on sharing those,” Mikey said, pointing at Raph dramatically.

“I hate this,” Raph said, plopping down on the end of Mikey’s bed with the cereal. Fruit Loops, Cheerios, and Frosted Mini Wheats. None of the healthy cereals thankfully. “I’ve never had issues sleeping. I can nap on command you know.”

Mikey snickered and reached in for the Fruit Loops. “Yeah old-”

Donnie reached up from his cot bed and put a firm hand over Mikey’s mouth. Gross because Donnie’s hand tasted like dish soap.

“I will not treat any concussion Raph gives you,” the very tired, and annoyed, medic warned.

Raph snatched the bag of Fruit Loops back, a few went flying and landed on the bed and floor. “Don’t worry I wouldn’t hit someone in a hospital bed,” Raph said before shoving a huge handful of Fruit Loops into his mouth.

Mikey gave him a mile wide grin, innocent as he was.

“I’d wait until he was discharged and then hit him,” Raph said, spraying crumbs on Mikey.

Mikey tried to grab at the Fruit Loop bag, but Donnie snatched it up first.

“Well isn’t this a lovely and perfectly healthy family bonding experience, minus one member.”

He carefully took out one morsel of cereal before handing the bag to Mikey.

“Well at least Leo is getting a good night’s sleep,” Mikey said with a shrug.

The dude needed a nap, or three.

“Nope, he’s in the dojo,” Raph grumbled, jabbing a thumb behind him.

“Goddammit-” Donnie cursed, looking distraught.

“Don’t bother,” Raph said as Donnie started to get up.

He wavered for a second before sitting down on the cot again. “He’s been running katas for three hours-”

“And he’ll tire himself out and go to bed,” Raph said with no fuss. “It’s my fault anyways, I said something to Mikey and he overheard it. I’ll tell you later.”

Donnie gave him a disapproving look. “Then it sounds like you should be the one to tell him to go to bed.”

Raph shook his head. “I think that’s the reason I shouldn’t.”

That was an excuse though, and Raph was making himself out to be an ass when Mikey knew he really did feel bad. But like Leo, Raph was shit at apologizing too.

“You should apologize to him,” Mikey nudged.

“Has he apologized to you though?” Raph asked.

He wondered why it would matter if Leo had or hadn’t. Raph should still apologize. “Yes actually and oh!” he exclaimed. “Leo said in two weeks he’ll show us Master Splinter’s lessons!”

Both Donnie and Raph looked at him like his head had fallen off and grown legs.

“What!?” they both said.

“Yeah!” Mikey said excitedly. “He said he would teach us, but he doubled down on not seeing Master Splinter’s grave this year.”

Donnie bit his thumbnail for a few seconds in thought.

“It might be guilt,” he reasoned softly. “If Master Splinter left those lesson plans knowing he was close to dying even without The Shredder’s attack, Leo probably feels guilty that a year has passed and he hasn’t started our training yet.”

“I just realized we are begging for a routine that will bust our shells,” Mikey said. Now he imagined what kind of lessons Master Splinter had left. Likely a lot of very intense new katas, things they didn’t have the balance for just yet.

Raph and Donnie nodded in silent agreement.

“But uh, he said something else,” Mikey said, swallowing. “He said he’s leaving after he shares the lessons-”

“He’s leaving!?” Raph yelled.

Like ow, he was like two feet away, no need to yell.

“Shhh! That’s what he said. But maybe it’s part of the lessons or something?” Mikey suggested, he didn’t want to set Raph off.

Then they all heard the dojo door slide open.

“He’s coming out of the Dojo-” Donnie hissed.

“Hey Leo!” Raph yelled, brows still pinched together. “Come in ‘ere for a sec will ya?”

“What are you doing!?” Mikey asked frantically.

Raph waved him off. “Jus’ wanna ask him something.”

“Why-, are you-, guys still-, awake?” Leo panted, holding on to the door frame for support. “It’s late.”

Mikey grimaced at Leo’s haggard appearance, his image not helped by all the scabbed over scrapes on his arms and face. He knew one time Leo exercised so hard he ended up falling asleep in the shower. Donnie found him in the morning half frozen when the shower head had auto turned off after thirty minutes.

That was like right after Leo killed The Shredder though.

“Leo there’s some gatorade in the mini fridge over there,” Donnie said. “Drink it.”

Leo stumbled towards the fridge and obtained the sacred liquid.

“If it’s late so why are you running katas?” Raph asked as they watched Leo struggle to open the bottle.

He held up one finger to Raph and started guzzling the drink down.

“Raph don’t-” Mikey whispered.

He wasn’t even sure if he was supposed to tell Raph and Donnie about the lesson plans or if Leo meant for it to be a secret.

“I lost track of time,” Leo said after polishing off the bottle.

Donnie pointed to the chair on the other side of Mikey’s bed. “Well sit down before you collapse.”

Leo nearly tripped on his own feet getting to the chair, but he managed. He collapsed against it with his chest still rising and falling rapidly. This was the breathing of someone who should have stopped two hours ago.

“Yeah, you sound like you didn’t overdo it at all,” Raph said, oozing with sarcasm.

Leo touched the cuts on his face, then tried to swipe away some of the sweat on his brow. “I should take a shower or something. I got sweat in these and it hurts.”

He then leaned forward and rested his head on Mikey’s bed.

“You’re getting your sweat all over my blankets-”

Mikey blinked a few times feeling very alarmed.

There was something wrong now. It was cool, and neat, and unexpected to have the same dream twice… but a third time felt off.

He was still in the field, the long grass swaying in the wind like the gentle waves over the surface of a lake.

This wasn’t a dream.

He was being teleported somewhere, and for whatever reason he was a dog in this world.

“Okay…” Mikey said, whimpering in his throat. “I should find water and shelter, I mean, probably.”

Before he hadn’t considered how out in the open he was, and he had seen Bambi, he knew that open fields were death. Well maybe Disney movies weren’t something he was supposed to take survival lessons from but he was a dog in a world that could be filled with humans.

There were trees all around him, they didn’t look inviting but they looked like cover. He pressed his ears back and looked around the vast field one last time before booking it towards the trees.

Running as a dog felt amazing. This body wasn’t really his, but he was comfortable in it. Feeling his back legs kick off against the ground, the wind roaring in his ears, and the sun on his back almost felt right.

He could leap a good distance, at least four times his own length. Not that he knew what his length was. He needed to find something familiar like a car or mail box.

Mikey tore through some young trees and into the woods. Immediately he felt cooler under the shade of the trees. He hadn’t realized how much warmth the sun was giving him.

As he looked up at the canopy he heard panting and looked around for the source before realizing it was him who was doing that. He had just started panting like it was a normal thing to do after a run.

The forest was much more dense than he had expected. The trees were redder than any he had ever seen, and he didn’t recognize any of the plants on the ground.

A dreadful feeling settled in his stomach as he walked deeper into the foreign woods. The hair on his back poked up and he kept his head down. There was absolutely no sign of life anywhere.

There were no birds chirping, there were no insects buzzing. Unless he started making noise there was no noise… just this thick silence.

“Hello?” Mikey called into the woods.

He listened intently, but of course no one responded. And now that he really thought about it he wondered if he was speaking in English or in barks.

He pointed his nose to the sky and straightened his neck, this time we wailed hello from his stomach and felt it reverb off the trees.

Someone would hear that, if there was someone to hear it. Whatever he did felt less like a word but one noise, whatever he had done it felt smooth and natural and those were the only things that could guide him now.

Then he heard it.

A howl.

And he pivoted his body in that direction, tail wagging fast because there was another dog in this world. Another dog that howled back at him.

Just as he took a step towards that howl he heard another one in the opposite direction. This howl was faint and so much further away, it also sounded desperate in a way.

“Well now I have to choose one of you?” Mikey asked himself while looking in the direction of the further away dog. “How am I supposed to choose?”

An unprompted howl came from the closer by dog and Mikey squeezed his eyes shut.

“Sorry dude, I’ll get this guy and then we’ll buddy system it all the way to you,” he said quietly before trotting into the woods.

It was a decision that might make Leo proud. To go to the closest dog first and find out what was going on, then he could tell him about the other dog. Maybe there were enemies or things he needed to look out for. And if he could make an ally out of this other dog then well wasn’t that the smarter choice?

As he trotted away he still felt bad, he even waited until he had trotted for several minutes before howling again.

This time he could not hear the howl behind him, he only received a howl from the dog he was heading towards and it sounded like that dog was heading his way.

Mikey was pretty friendly, and the howls sounded excited as he was. He still started planning his exit in case this other dog was mean or wanted to fight him.

Now the trees were getting really thick, and the ground felt like he was running up a slight incline. There were less plants on the ground and more pine needles. As he got higher and higher up the endless incline he started to wonder if the hill would ever end.

He stopped to howl and the one he got in return was so loud and close his heart practically fell out of his chest.

“Hello?” Mikey asked, coming around a tree as big around as a tool shed. “You close-”

“Yeah-” the other dog cut him off as he came into view.

Mikey froze.

This was a big dog. A head taller than he was. His fur was black and white, though his black sections were wider. The other dog's tail was black unlike Mikey’s white one. The band of white fur around his middle was half the width of the white band around Mikey’s middle. The other dog had a white head and large black circles around his emerald green eyes.

“Mikey?” Raph’s voice came out of the larger dog’s mouth.

“Raph?” Mikey asked, coming right up to his brother and pushing his head under his chin. “Dude! I am so happy I dreamed you up!”

Raph stepped back, “No, I musta dreamed you up, this is my dream Mikey.”

Mikey laughed, “I’ve had this dream three nights in a row there is no way you’re dreaming this. I am, like Grandpa’d in.”

“Grandfathered in, Mikey,” Raph sighed. “And I’ve had this dream three times too now.”

They both frowned and pulled their ears back.

“Dream Beavers?” they both asked at the same time.

“This is way too calm to be that man,” Mikey dismissed, but he did look around a tiny bit fearful. “Wait, I heard another dog!”

“When?” Raph asked.

Mikey turned and ran back down the hill the direction he came. “Hurry! It might be Leo or Donnie!”

He heard Raph running behind him, he sounded heavier than Mikey too and kicked up more dirt and needles.

“Mikey hold on a second!” Raph called.

“We don’t have time to wait around,” Mikey snapped.

That other dog sounded like he was in trouble.

Metalhead was going nuts, the infirmary was full of a loud blaring alarm and red flashing lights. Mikey fell off the bed twisted in his blankets onto Donnie’s cot then the hard floor.

“RAPH!” Donnie screamed, “TOURNIQUETS NOW.”

Mikey whipped his head around while struggling to get out of his blankets as Raph slammed into the supply cabinet with a loud metal bang.

Still confused as to what the shell was going on he looked under the bed and saw Leo and Donnie’s legs on the other side next to Leo's tipped over chair.

And so much blood on the floor.

Chapter Text

Something wet and cool wiped over Leo’s cloaca.

“No!” he screamed, kicking Master Splinter off of him and rolling off the bed.

He collided into a metal table that banged loudly on the floor. A hospital gown was twisted around him at the same time. He yanked back and there was a sharp pain in his left elbow pit as the IV stand fell over and the needle flew out of his skin.

All Leo saw was red as every nerve in his body exploded into a severe flight response. He could see Karai and his brothers yelling that it’s okay. He could see Shini crouched by the nurse he just kicked in the chest. The room was bright and loud in ways he could not process.

There was so much yelling.

His right arm was under the gown and wrapped to his chest. He was startled by his shell hitting the wall and on impulse ripped the clipboard caddy off the wall and sent it sailing at the brother closest to him. Raph took it to the face with a shout and Leo bobbed and weaved around his brother before slamming out of the swinging double doors into the hallway.

On wobbly legs Leo bolted down the hallway narrowly avoiding protruding drinking fountains and nurses. Papers go flying, trays of food are spilled. Leo left chaos in his wake as he desperately tried to remember where the exam rooms were. He needed some place away from everything so he could calm down. His breathing was hard and labored. His right arm was starting to burn and itch under its bandages.

The doctors were yelling from behind him. He could feel their breath on his neck and that feeling quickly warped into whiskers dusting his face and chest and the inside of his thighs. A dark exam room came into view after a sharp turn he barely cleared. He plowed into the room and slammed the door. 

“Leo!” Raph hollered, pounding on the door. “You’re at Karai’s! Cool it!”

He held the door handle up but he only had his left hand while Raph had both of his. This was a temporary means of keeping them out.

In the corner of the room there was an empty bag stand. Leo grabbed that with his toes and knocked it to the floor. It was tiny, a bit shorter than the room was wide. He positioned it awkwardly with his feet so that it was wedged between the door and the opposite wall, all while fighting to keep the door handle wrenched up 

Now if Raph did manage to push the handle down the door would not open far enough to let him in.

“Leo, it’s okay,” Donnie asserted. “You were in surgery. The nurse was just changing you.”

“Yeah no offense man but none of us were jumping at the bit to change your diaper,” Mikey called. “Thought you’d rather have the nurse do that.”

Fatigue and hard breathing wore him down, already he could feel his left bicep vibrating as Raph slowly got the handle to its neutral position. Raph had the advantage, pushing down with all his weight while one handed Leo could only exert so much force upward.

He let go of the door handle and quickly backed away from the door.

“Fuck!” Raph yelled when the door only opened two inches. “He put something to jam it!”

Leo positioned himself behind the door in the corner. He used his good left hand to hold the bag stand straight. Both of his legs were shaking so hard his knees were bumping into each other. The hospital gown was stuck to his skin with a thin layer of sweat. The pain in his right arm was crawling from a five to a seven at an alarming rate.

Along the walls posters of human organs and illnesses warp in and out. The door let in only a strip of light, otherwise the exam room was dark. Leo closed his eyes and completely ignored the argument taking place in the hall. Brothers screaming and arguing with Karai and Shini all fade to the back of his mind as he tries to find his center.

It wasn’t working. The pain and sickening fear is too present. His father’s tongue laps between his legs, cleaning him while he is unable to move. A whine escaped through his shivering teeth as he pressed his hand between his legs.

Stop stop stop! Leo begged, hating these kinds of memories.

These were the ones where he could see and identify that he was currently alone in a room but could feel Splinter assaulting him. The phantom feeling of Splinter’s tongue persisted even as Leo started scrubbing himself raw with the gown.

Get off of me! Just get off of me! he screamed in his head. You’re dead!

The door was rammed into over and over again. Bang. Bang. Crack. Some of the wood in the heavy oak door splits but not enough to break open.

“Raph stop!” Mikey yelled at the top of his voice. “Listen!”

Leo continued to whine and breathe harshly in and out, not sure what his brother’s were scheming. All he felt was his father’s tongue dipping into his cloaca and burning him. His saliva burned.

“He’s doing the thing. The breathing thing,” Mikey whispered outside the door. “We should leave him alone.”

“We cannot leave him alone,” Donnie said, high pitched and stressed. “He just got out of surgery two hours ago. He needs fluids, he needs his temperature monitored. He needs to be on antibiotics to prevent an infection. He needs pain relievers. He needs to be in bed now.”

“Well all of this isn’t helping him,” Mikey said. “We’re freaking him out.”

“He cannot be in there unattended, Mikey.” Donnie groaned. “Raph bust down the door-”

“If you try to breach that exam room I will have you removed from the hospital wing,” Karai cut in.

Raph guffawed. “You can fuck right off-”

“I am warning you once,” Karai said. “Leo has given me POA. I say you three need to leave and let him come out in his own time.”

“POA?” Donnie asked. “Quick question but how the hell does a giant mutant turtle get Power of Attorney? There’s no way that’s binding.”

“It’s the principle of the act Donatello,” Karai spoke evenly. “Of course Leonardo can’t actually have that document on record in any official capacity.”

Leo was feeling calmer, the sensation had passed but now the humiliation was settling in his stomach. He also wasn’t sure if Karai could convince his brothers to leave him be for just a moment.

“Then why do we gotta follow it?” Raph questioned, punching the door for good measure. “It’s just a piece of fucking paper then.”

“It’s a piece of paper that your brother asked for and filled out when he was clear headed. He wanted me to have this power when he could not. It does not matter that you agree with it,” she said, trailing her voice in a way that said her point was only just getting started. “Considering how unofficial your lives are I would hope you would respect that. After all if one of you three were ever to marry it would not be legally binding. Yet you would want your family and friends to act like it was. Even your own adoption by Splinter is not legally binding. Nor are your names.”

There was a beat of silence.

“Should I go on?” Karai asked.

Donnie was the first  to speak. “Fine. But then as the turtle most familiar with our very unique medical needs let me tell you that he really needs to be back in bed.”

“What can we do that does not involve taking Leo out of the room by force?” Karai asked.

“A blanket would be a start. Water would be a good idea. A sedative would be wonderful,” Donnie listed. “I am very worried about infection, Karai. We’ve never had any sort of invasive surgery like this. Leo needs to be in bed where we can monitor him.”

“Well let’s start with what we can do. All of you can go back to Leo’s room, I will get him a blanket, a bottle of water, and a sedative if he wants to take it.”

Karai was doing him such a favor, but he doubted his brothers would allow themselves to be bossed around by her.

“I think we should go,” Mikey said. “Either way I don’t think Leo wants us around.”

That wasn’t true. He didn’t mean to push them away but he was humiliated and overwhelmed. This was all too much already. Then to wake up with that sensation. The nurse was doing her job by changing him but it was still a process that reminded him so much of the abuse.

Footsteps trailed away from the door and Leo breathed a tad easier. Someone pulled the door shut all the way and Leo felt a wave of relief. He was still shaking, but he wasn’t exposed like before.

Leo painfully recalled how he got here and how confusing it had been. He had very little experience with shock, only ever experiencing it once before falling into a coma. On the car ride to The Foot Headquarter Leo had succumbed to it. That strange feeling where the pain was so bad it completely morphs into something else. It no longer hurts even though you know it hurts more than anything you’ve ever experienced.

He didn’t remember much more than waking up to Metalhead's alarm and then feeling this awful pain in his right arm. When he looked down both bones of his forearm were poking outside of his body and the floor was covered in blood. Donnie was on him immediately, holding his arm over his heart and then tying his arm off just above the elbow.

Leo had immediately started meditating. He slowed his heart rate and calmed himself but that was only long enough for his brothers to grab his spare bags of blood and call Karai. By the time Leo was getting unloaded from the Party Wagon with Foot Clan Doctors circling and Donnie barking orders he was getting foggy.

He was not aware he would be going into surgery. He was not aware he was going to be in surgery so long he would soil himself and need to be cleaned. If that had to happen more than once he was glad he was out during the other changings.

It was medical, but the sensation was sickening. If the wipe had been hot Leo would have collapsed into a full meltdown. The nurse didn’t deserve to be kicked in the chest, but he could not handle any touch down there.

This was just how he was now. It was how he’d always be. He felt awful about it and wondered if he would ever be able to apologize to that nurse. All the medical personnel Karai hires are trustworthy individuals. That nurse was safe and just doing her job.

“Leo?” Karai knocked. “There is no one out here except me, open the door and I’ll just hand you this blanket, water bottle, and meds.”

It was challenging to get up but he managed. Bracing against the wall before hooking his toes under the slightly bent bag stand and flipping it upright. He paused to catch his breath and let the lightheaded feeling pass.

“Here,” Karai said, passing the blanket through the six inch gap Leo allowed. “And you have had these before,” she said, handing him two pills in a little paper cup. 

It was hard to hold in his big clumsy fingers.

“If you just take one you won’t pass out, it will just calm you down. You probably won’t even go down with both unless you let yourself fall asleep,” Karai said.

He jostled the blanket to his elbow pit, and placed the cup on the counter. He took one pill out.

“Can you open that?” he asked, gesturing to the water bottle before popping the tablet down his throat.

She passed him the water bottle and he drained it. His throat was dry and he was losing water from all the sweating. She took it from him and held his hand for a second.

“Keno is on his way-”

“Karai,” Leo sighed. “There isn’t-, I don’t want to bother him-,”

“He’s your doctor, he is happy to do it. It’s only just now six in the evening,” Karai said firmly, stroking the back of his left hand while it was still sticking outside the door. A small glimpse into his very deformed state of mind.

Leo was grateful for it. Karai and Shini were sources or physical touch he was okay with. Too bad he couldn’t go to his room here and sleep between Shini and Karai. It was that platonic kind of sleeping. There were blankets between them but it was the same bed and it was nice.

“So when he comes, let him in,” Karai said.

He avoided making a promise of it. “Is that nurse okay?” he asked.

“Gwen is fine, she saw your kick coming and threw herself back,” Karai assured him, she was doing her best to older sister him. Whenever he was really messed up Karai would get maternal. “She will have a bruise tomorrow and I’ve already given her the next week off with pay.”

“Okay.”

“You can write a card or letter to her if that makes you feel better.”

Leo gave Karai a look. His dominant right hand was strapped to his chest under his half on hospital gown.

“I mean,” Karai back pedaled, a little of her usual self slipping in. “When your arm is better you can send her something. Either way it’s fine. Just wait in here for Keno.”

She squeezed his hand, but her face warned him to let Keno in or else. Leo nodded and made her let go first before closing the door. He waited until the shadow under the door moved away before sinking back into the corner. He awkwardly shook the blanket out with one hand and draped it over his cold legs first.

The strings on the vent in the ceiling started dancing. Someone bumped the heat on for him.

In the now warm room Leo was able to close his eyes and rest his left side in the corner. Despite being in surgery he was very tired and wanted nothing more than to get into bed.

He was drifting in and out, blinking slowly when a gentle knock at the door echoed around the hardened exam room. 

“Leo?” Dr. Keno asked through the door.

“It’s not blocked anymore,” Leo said, exhaustion in his voice. After taking his one sedative he knew it would be stupid to block the door. Just in case he did pass out.

Dr. Keno entered the room, finding Leo quickly. “Can I turn on the light?” he asked.

Leo nodded, wincing when the room was flooded with unforgiving white light. It was depressing to talk in the dark.

Dr. Keno was a charismatic man and immediately put on the act that everything about this was fine. He pulled the hard metal stool from next to the exam table closer to Leo and sat down. If Leo extended his legs straight he would be touching the stool legs.

“Karai is very worried about you,” Dr. Keno said, folding his hands together and resting his elbows on his knees. Some of his dark hair was out of place. A reminder to Leo that he had caused him to stop doing whatever he was in the middle of and rush here. “What would make you willing to go back to your hospital room?”

Leo shrugged and focused on moving his blanket to cover him more. Now with light he realized Karai had grabbed one of his after therapy blankets from his room. It explained why it felt so soft and secure.

It was also marred by invisible stains from crying.

Dr. Keno leaned back and grabbed the little paper cup off the counter. He made a groaning noise and sighed in an exaggerated fashion which all helped to keep the focus on him and not other things. Whenever Leo was quiet, Dr. Keno was loud and jovial.

“Did taking one of these help calm you?” Dr. Keno asked, rattling the lone pill in its cup.

Leo nodded before dipping his head down. Dr. Keno didn’t need to be here, he just needed to get over himself and go back to the hospital room.

“What is wrong?” Dr. Keno lowered his voice. “Did I say something to upset you?”

Leo shook his head, and moved his knees closer to his body.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Dr. Keno asked.

Leo snorted up snot and wiped his face as discreetly as possible. “I don’t know what happened,” he said, voice cracking. “We must have been attacked. Someone broke my arm and-,”

He inhaled some saliva and broke into a fit of coughing. The door opened and a few moments of coughing later Dr. Keno was back with a bottle of water. Leo sipped it not caring that his blanket had fallen off of him and pooled at his waist.

“We had to come here,” Leo continued. “I was in surgery. I woke up and this nurse was cleaning between my legs and I freaked out. And now they know. Now my brothers know.”

He had failed to keep himself in check. They’ll know he has trauma there. It made him sick. He wasn’t ready to lose his brothers. He still had two weeks with them...

“Know what?” Dr. Keno asked.

“That there is something wrong with me!” Leo yelled, slamming the water bottle down next to him. The flimsy plastic crinkled and crunched.

Dr. Keno frowned, as though confused. “Hmm. Well, a lot of people when they wake up from surgery are confused and a little scared,” he said, tapping his chin. “Without talking about your history with your father let’s look back and realize you have been through so much. A coma. Countless injuries. You are already hyper vigilant. You woke up in a hospital room with someone touching your privates. There is no reason for anyone to think that being alarmed by that is odd.”

Leo scowled at Dr. Keno. His brothers were ninjas too, they grew up as child soldiers. They weren’t molested and raped throughout their lives, so Leo doubts they would do more than just be a little upset about waking up to their ass being wiped.

What Leo had done was more like a tantrum. He had assaulted a nurse. He threw things. He ran.

That will not be pushed under the rug. Just like his freakout after waking up from his coma was picked at constantly for weeks by Donnie. Leo had never been so grateful that his defenseless and comatose body hadn’t been touched by Master Splinter.

“It is normal,” Dr. Keno said, finding the silence had gone on long enough. “Your brothers do not suspect anything other than an understandable reaction.”

He just knew Donnie had already figured it out and they were back at The Lair, tossing his things into the sewer.

Leo shook the thought away. “It felt like Master Splinter’s tongue. It reminded me of it,” Leo said.

“And you removed yourself from the area to process those memories,” Dr. Keno said.

“You are making it sound like barricading myself in here was a thought out choice,” Leo said humorlessly.

Dr. Keno nodded. “A part of you thought it out. We can’t do everything on autopilot. You wanted to feel safe and you did everything in your power to make yourself just that.”

Leo bit his tongue. Unsure if he could really believe there was any silver lining here.

“So now that the feeling has passed and you are calmer, what is keeping you in here?” Dr. Keno asked.

Leo shrugged.

“In your room there is a bed that will be much more comfortable than the floor. There is a TV that could distract you. There is pain medication and antibiotics to keep you from infection-”

“I know I-,” he gestured to the door like it was something Dr.  Keno would remember. “Mikey said I was doing ‘the breathing thing’ and he has a name for it so that means he’s heard me doing it before-, I don’t want to go back to my room. Donnie will ask me questions and I took a sedative and I don’t want to slip and…”

He trailed off looking down. Assuming there was a way back from all this, the last thing he needed was to be loaded with painkillers while talking to his brothers. When he came out of his coma Donnie had him on vicodin and it made him extremely clingy and sappy towards his brothers.

This was something Leo would like to avoid at all costs.

“So if no one is in your room but the required doctors and nurses, you would be willing to come out?” Dr. Keno guessed.

“I don’t want to be-,” he squeezed his legs together and swallowed his heart burn. “I don’t want anything to touch me down here.”

“Alright,” Dr. Keno said. “Now that you are awake and can make it to the bathroom on your own I am positive you don’t need to worry about that.”

Leo nodded, but blushed as he made his next request. “And if Karai and Shini could stay with me… I would like that.”

“Leo,” Dr. Keno said with a big smile. “I can arrange that.”

“Okay,” Leo said, feeling much better about getting back in bed. “Thank you.”

Seven turned into eight on the pain scale, but accepting pain medication meant falling asleep and Leo did not want to fall asleep. Karai and Shini had done everything to tempt him into sleep. His hospital bed now had his nice pillows from his room, his legs were elevated, more pillows were pressed against his sides and the railings of the bed. His weighted blanket was covering from his waist to his feet. The IV was back in his left arm painfully pushing liquid into his blood.

Leo felt miserable and paranoid, but at least Shini and Karai were currently setting up the recliners with sheets and pillows for themselves. They had indulged Leo's request for them to stay by his side all night, but neither of them were happy with his refusal to take something to help with sleep.

The fear was ever pungent in his own mind. Being awake had its pitfalls but at least no one could sneak up on him.

“Your brothers are going to call in a few minutes,” Karai said as she dabbed sweat off his face with a soft cotton towel.

Leo closed his eyes while she worked. “I don’t want to,” he grimaced.

“You know how hard it was for me to get them out of here?” Karai asked. “I had to make some compromises. One of those was that sometime tonight they could call your room and speak with you. They’ve been texting me every two minutes asking when you can take a call.”

“They’re going to ask about why I freaked out,” Leo argued as Karai folded over the towel and set it back on his pillow. “And I haven’t thought of a lie yet.”

“There is no need to lie.”

Leo frowned, the pain was messing up his critical thinking but he knew Karai well enough to know she was annoyed with him.

“Say it,” Leo said, pinching his brow together. “What aren’t you saying?”

Karai shook her head, not willing to answer.

“Shini,” Leo demanded. “What isn’t she saying?”

Shini has a harder time keeping secrets, she put her hands over her mouth and shook her head back and forth vigorously. Karai's stern glare was also keeping her in check.

It was no use, not while he was in bed. If he could go over to Shini and ask maybe she would break but for the time being he was stuck. Just rolling in frustration.

Karai turned off the light leaving only the night lamp above Leo’s bed on. These hospital rooms were very nice. When the head of The Foot Clan stopped using all the money on lavish experiments the place really was much nicer for every part of the clan. The new hospital rooms were private rooms with their own bathrooms and sitting area for visitors. Even with the visiting area the room was still big and open for any equipment that might need to be rolled in.

“Raph, Donnie, and Mikey aren’t suspicious of you,” Karai said. “They’re scared.”

“You broke your arm in the middle of the night,” Shini cut in much to Karai’s frustration. “Your home may no longer be safe…”

She looked to Karai before continuing.

“They refused to sleep until you came out of surgery, I think all they want is to have a little reassurance,” Shini said.

His stomach flipped. Was he really that selfish? This whole time he was drowning in the thought that his brothers somehow knew he was sexually violated and judging him when really they were worried about their safety as a family.

Someone had attacked them, in their home. If they weren’t allied with Karai, Leo wouldn’t have an arm or he could be dead.

“And I didn’t want to tell you that because I thought adding guilt to your mental soup wouldn’t help get pain medication into you,” Karai said forcefully. “But if your brothers call, and you sound like you’re in pain they will feel even worse.”

“I-,” Leo floundered, looking up at the immaculate ceiling like the solution was printed up there.

“Let me get a nurse in here,” Karai said. “Give yourself twenty minutes to let some pain medication work and then I’ll text your brothers letting them know you can receive a call.”

Leo nodded. The next half hour blurred by. He took a rapid release morphine tablet that made his stomach a little queasy, it did take the pain away. There was an issue with the phone call, because Leo’s left arm was stuck with an IV and his right was strapped to his chest, he couldn’t hold the phone up to his head himself.

So he relented on his no visitors policy.

To be fair to his brother’s they didn’t immediately accost him with questions. They all looked awful, worn down and still in their gear. All in need of a shower and a long night’s rest.

Mikey was the first to the side of Leo’s bed, leaning over the left side of the railing to give a hovering hug without putting any weight on him. Donnie picked up the clipboard left by the doctor and read that, his expression pinched. Raph’s fingertips touched Leo's left hand carefully, like he would break if he held it.

Leo closed his eyes and moved his head into the side of Mikey’s.

“We’ll be okay,” Leo whispered. “We’re all alive and safe and that’s what matters.”

The clipboard was placed back in its spot on the end of Leo’s bed and Donnie took position on Leo’s right side.

“Can I please be the one to change your bandages tomorrow?” Donnie pleaded, so much hurt in his voice. “I am sorry about whatever I did, really, but I need to see what we’re dealing with for the long term.”

“Nothing to apologize for,” Leo said. “Didn’t know where I was, I…,” he was never good at lying. “I’m just glad you’re all okay.”

Raph finally squeezed his hand and Leo squeezed back.

“Do we know who attacked us?” Leo asked, opening his eyes and turning his head towards Donnie.

Mikey stood up but still held on firmly to Leo’s left shoulder, his brothers shared a spooked look before Donnie finally spoke.

“Metalhead’s footage was corrupted,” he said. “I’ve been working on it.”

“Don’t worry about it tonight Leo,” Raph added over Donnie.

“But can I please come back tomorrow when your arm is being redressed?” Donnie asked. “If you don’t want me touching-”

Leo shook his head. “I was being dumb, you all can visit whenever. And if you want to look at or touch my arm tomorrow you can do that. When can we go back home?”

“You weren’t being dumb Leo,” Mikey said. “We get it, it’s okay. You woke up somewhere totally different. I once woke up in Raph’s room and thought I was in that show Hoarders-”

“Hey!” Raph barked.

“There were pizza boxes everywhere and underwear and we don’t even wear underwear-”

“That’s your room, idiot!” Raph snapped, though his grip on Leo’s hand never released.

“That’s why I was screaming,” Mikey said. “I have a real issue.”

Donnie cupped the side of Leo’s face, it startled him but he hid it. The morphine and sedative might have helped that. “Please get some sleep soon Leo,” Donnie begged. “I don’t know what's going on but we all need to get some sleep before we can figure it out it’s-,” his shoulders slumped. “I don’t even know where to start.”

Leo blinked slowly, well he meant to blink but his eyes stayed closed. “We’ll start tomorrow all together. We’ll figure it out. We always do in the end.”

His brothers agreed but Leo felt like he was falling out fast. He forced his eyes open when Mikey hover-hugged him again.

“Goodnight, Leo,” Mikey whispered before stepping away to let Donnie in.

It was easier to hover-hug Leo on his left side. Donnie put his chin on Leo’s forehead for a few seconds before pulling away. Raph started to come in for a hug but stopped and chose to squeeze Leo’s hand instead for a second before also pulling away.

Raph was never callous when things were bad, Leo remembered. Even if he had managed to break into the exam room before Karai intervened Leo still had nothing to worry about. He was the one making a big deal out of all this. His brothers weren’t Master Splinter. Their love wasn’t tied up in strings and expectations…

Or in favors to be returned.

It was Leo’s dumb brain that made him see and think that.

Leo watched his brothers leave with final waves and really hope they would all try to sleep tonight. It was only nine at night now but the past few days had been so wild he was sure he could sleep for a whole day. Not that he actually would but he really felt like it.

Karai and Shini came back into the room, also looking tired and ready to go to bed. Karai helped him sip some water and get his blankets just right before she went over to the recliner. Fully extended back those things were beds; just add a twin size fitted sheet and some pillows and blankets. They assured him that they were comfortable.

They were each on their respective tablets with earbuds in, Leo knew he needed to go to sleep but kept feeling this impending sense of dread. Like he knew he was going to have a nightmare and couldn’t just get it over with.

For the past few nights he was having nightmares. He couldn’t remember them but he would wake up feeling very scared, almost like he was lost in the sewers or something.

Another hour passed and finally Karai got up to leave, when she came back she had a paper cup again and this time Leo sat up without being asked. She took the pill out of the cup and he let her pop it in his mouth, she offered him a water cup and aimed the straw toward him.

“Go to bed,” Karai said while fixing the covers around him. “Nothing will happen to you.”

Leo closed his eyes, fully ready to let go of all this anxiety. Tomorrow they would figure this out. For tonight Leo was going to be fine.

It wasn’t like a nightmare could actually hurt him.

Chapter Text

The footage wasn’t corrupted. There were no cuts, and when Donatello examined each frame he found no inconsistencies. This was further complicated by the fact that behind Leonardo on the wall was a clock. It gave the footage from Metalhead’s camera even more authenticity as the seconds hand never jumped or glitched.

Unless the enemy drugged Leonardo, broke his arm, then edited the film in Metalhead so perfectly and without signs of tampering that it only looked like the seconds hand was never interrupted.

By now Donatello had watched Leonardo’s arm snap over a hundred times. He had slowed the film down. He was grateful that Metalhead records everything in ninety frames per second. Over and over he watched Leonrado’s ulna and radius stretch his forearm skin before piercing through.

Leonardo hadn’t even budged. His breathing hadn’t changed. His sleep seemed nearly drugged.

If Metalhead hadn’t alerted them to what happened Leonardo would be dead. His arm was under his heart and would have bled until he slipped into shock and then cardiovascular failure.

He stopped the video once the past version of himself woke up. Rewatching the following scene once had been too much. Listening to the way Leonardo initially panicked, but then forced himself to meditate was traumatizing enough the first time. On video Donatello could analyze the fear in his older brother’s eyes, the realization that Raphael and Donatello were tending to the life threatening injury, and the final decision to meditate under these conditions.

Donatello did not give very much credit to spirituality or power of the mind. That was more of Master Splinter and Leonardo’s area of practice. While his family practiced the Shinto religion, Donatello was more a closeted atheist. He went through the motions of tradition to appease his brothers but deep down inside he found it all hard to believe.

He was a turtle who fully embraced science and questioned everything around him.

Now however these habits were causing him to shake at his laptop as he scanned back to where Leonardo broke his arm again hoping to see something. He needed answers before Leonardo woke up tomorrow. Their home was compromised and they had nothing to go on. They might as well have been attacked by a ghost.

“Donnie,” Raphael said, reaching over to close the lid of his laptop. “We need to go to bed.”

Usually Donatello would be highly offended if one of his brothers closed his laptop, but tonight he could barely keep his eyes open. He wasn’t tired but his body was suffering from the lack of sleep. Blurred vision, tremors, and a throbbing headache behind his eyes.

None of them had slept while Leonardo was in surgery. Donatello didn’t because he had to be in the operating theater with the surgeons in order to keep his brother stable and sedated. Raphael and Michelangelo should have taken the opportunity to catch a few hours of sleep but for whatever reason they hadn’t.

Then Donatello had promised himself he would sleep until Leonardo woke up from post-surgery recovery, but even though his body and mind was lacking the sleep it really needed he couldn’t fall asleep. It was worse than any insomnia he had faced. It was knowing he could sleep but feeling like the door to sleep was sealed off by an outside force.

“Donnie,” Raphael said a bit firmer. “Come on, in bed.”

Donatello allowed Raphael to pull him up out of the desk chair and towards the bathroom attached to the room.

Karai had given them all a room but they had unanimously agreed to just sleep in one all together. Just because Leonardo seemed to enjoy his own space didn’t mean they did. When they saw the size of the beds they already knew they would be sleeping in a pile. Even if the beds had been too small Donatello imagined they would all sleep on the floor.

Raphael shoved Donatello’s toothbrush into his hand. “Brush your teeth, go to the bathroom,” he instructed. “We can all shower in the morning before we go upstairs to see Leo.”

Donatello nodded and began preparing his toothbrush with the toothpaste provided by Karai. It wasn’t his preferred brand for enamel repair but it would do for now... he supposed.

With dread he thought about tomorrow. Coming to Leonardo again without any information. The footage made it seem like an invisible enemy snapped Leonardo’s arm. The enemy must have been room temperature too because Metalhead sensors hadn’t gone off for that either.

After tending to his bathroom needs Donatello left to find the main sleeping room dark all except the dim blue night light on the headboard. Possessions were hastily strewn about. Raphael and Michelangelo had made a trip back to their home to get the essentials such as Donatello’s laptop, Raphael’s pet Chompy and his needed equipment, and Michelangelo’s pet cat Klunk and her necessities.

The room smelled of kitty litter and bark chips.

His eyes adjusted quick enough, he picked up his T-Phone from the desk to check his messages. April and Casey were being patient about the situation but Donatello was at least trying to keep April in the loop when he had the moments to do so.

He assumed Raphael was keeping Casey in the loop.

Sweet Chinchilla [Saturday, 05:58:54 PM]

Any updates on Leo? Has he talked to you guys yet?

Sweet Chinchilla [Saturday, 06:34:21 PM]

I’m eating dinner, but I am free to take a call anytime tonight if you need it. <3

Sweet Chinchilla [Saturday, 10:55:02 PM]

I have to go to bed but my phone is next to me. I love you.

Donatello [Saturday, 11:12:36 PM][sent][not seen]

I’m going to bed now. He spoke with us, he took a sedative and is hopefully asleep right now. I love you too.

He plugged his phone into his charger, his hands shook so hard he scratched the finish around the charging port. It would buff out later. He could buff it out tomorrow.

Then his vision got blurry as tears formed in his eyes. He wiped them away frustrated because he needed to plug his phone in.

Another pair of hands took his phone from him and plugged it in before pulling him off the floor. Donatello was a limp rag doll as Raphael pulled him over the bed and whispered encouragement about getting in the middle for the night.

It was with warm blankets and two brothers trying to calm him that his tears turned into choking sobs and broken confessions about how he knew nothing about their current situation. How they had no leads and how Metalhead’s footage was giving them nothing.

Raphael and Michelangelo tried their best to soothe him. They rubbed his carapace and told him that tomorrow would be different. They tried to fill his head with lies about everything being okay with a little sleep while his heart felt ready to explode.

Nothing was okay.

This again? Donatello thought miserably.

He had often been able to lucid dream but this was getting out of hand. He looked down to see he was still in the middle of doing what he had been the last time he was in this place. Normally Donatello loves a strange dream to analyze. What the brain thinks up while asleep is a unique look into one’s own mind.

If he were to analyze this dream he wouldn’t know where to start. If he was trapped in this ravine as himself he might be able to relate this to a problem he cannot solve and how he feels trapped in it. Sadly there was a huge unknown in the fact that he wasn’t a mutant turtle in this dream.

He was consistently waking up as some sort of large wolf.

Donatello was not into the study of zoology much past turtles and tortoises. While he could have used his time awake to study wolves and dog breeds he had put it off believing he couldn’t possibly have the dream again.

His neck, chest, shoulders, and front legs were black. He had nothing reflective to see his face with so that was an unknown. His back, flanks, and hind legs were all white under a layer of dirt from digging and moving rocks. His tail was long black and bushy.

He was a male wolf of unknown species, and he was trapped in a ravine of unknown height.

There were simply too many unknowns.

So he began work on digging up half buried rocks and making a pile in the shallow end of the ravine. There were roots that would soon be in reach with enough rocks. He was still working out what he would do when he got a hold of the roots. Not that it really mattered, this was just a dream.

At some point before he had heard howling but whoever that was they must have not wanted to be near him. Donatello supposed perhaps that was for the better. He was very much trapped and if another animal jumped down here he would have nowhere to run.

As if thinking about it had summoned them, Donatello heard in the distance two distinct howls.

He lowered himself to the ground.

So there is a pack, he lamented silently.

One other wolf was a fight he might win but two or three were bad odds. This was a dream, and he was not used to fighting as a wolf.

The howling happened again and closer, but Donatello continued to stay silent. He almost hoped that whoever these other wolves are they would pass by the area. It wasn’t like two or more animals without opposable thumbs could really help him.

“Donnie!”

“Leo!”

His heart turned over, he would know those voices in any world.

“Raph! Mikey!” Donatello cried, bracing his front paws on the limestone sides of the ravine atop his rock pile.

His tail wagged back and forth at the thought of something familiar. Thankfully he managed to dream up his siblings. Perhaps because tonight he had cried in their arms and was currently sleeping snuggled between them.

“I’m in here! Don’t fall in!” he hollered, his voice echoing around the crevice.

Dirt dropped onto his face as two wolves stopped just at the edge. He had to close his eyes and shake his head to get the dirt off.

“Donnie?” Michelangelo asked.

“Leo?” Raphael asked.

“No that’s Donnie, look at those brown eyes. Are my eyes grey? Because yours are green, Raph. When we find Leo I bet his eyes will be that deep blue,” Michelangelo predicted.

“It’s me, Donatello,” he said, finally looking up at the unfamiliar faces of his family.

From his angle he could only see their necks, head, and front toes.

If Michelangelo was to be believed he was the wolf with the grey eyes, and Raphael was the wolf with the green eyes. Other than that they were completely identical from what Donatello could see.

“Hey! You have white pants!” Michelangelo exclaimed.

Donatello looked at his own back legs. He didn’t understand.

“You’ll see when you get up here genius,” Raphael said. “Mikey and I got back legs and like a white belt around our middles, but you have white back legs so you look like you’re wearing white high waist pants.”

“Yes, well perhaps our distinctions can wait until I am out of the ravine?” Donatello asked. “Usually I am able to control the people I dream up when I lucid dream like this but I guess now I need to ask.”

Michelangelo and Raphael shared a glance.

“What?” Donatello asked.

“We think this is something like the Dream Beavers,” Michelangelo said. “Because this is the fourth time I’ve woken up in this place as a wolf.”

“Same for me, and I ran into Mikey last time we fell asleep,” Raphael said. “We were going to talk about it when we were awake but-”

“Leo broke his arm,” Donatello finished. “We were all a bit distracted now weren’t we? I’m sorry, it’s just I find this all a little hard to believe until I correspond with Raph and Mikey while I am awake. I would still appreciate the help from you two in the meantime.”

Raphael and Michelangelo rolled their eyes.

“Typical,” Raphael grumbled. “You always gotta see something to believe it huh?”

“Yeah!” Michelangelo said, using his back leg to scratch behind his ear. “Where’s your sense of adventure?”

“Currently my sense of anything is stuck in this here ravine, Mikey,” Donatello snapped.

“Yeesh,” Michelangelo said.

Raphael stood up. “Okay, we’ll go look for something to help you up. Don’t go anywhere.”

“Funny,” Donatello breathed, now alone in the ravine.

A sense of dread wrapped around him like a snake making his chest hurt. Admittedly seeing his annoying brothers had given him a sense of safety he didn’t know he was missing. He was just grateful that his emotional state from when he was awake hadn’t carried over into his dream.

“You’re in a bed with Raphael and Michelangelo right next to you,” Donatello said to himself. “We’re all safe, this is just a dream.”

And Leonardo is under the watchful eyes of Karai, he thought quietly.

He took a deep breath before laying down in the ravine. He would be okay.

Then thunder clapped in the distance, and the air was flooded with a smell that made his fur stick up.

Donatello sneezed three times in a row.

The storm had picked up very quickly and the ravine was flooded with muddy water. While standing it was halfway up his legs and ice cold. The rain was loud and the wind was howling. The weather had turned so fast. He remembered it being sunny the first time he had this dream and they were still in the same day as far as he could tell.

His mind grasped onto actual problems. While his dream self was standing in cold muddy water that wasn’t a real problem.

How Leonardo broke his arm was the real issue.

Or maybe they were related?

It was a ridiculous theory but something about what Michelangelo had said about eye colors made Donatello consider the unthinkable. If this was the Dream Beavers and they were all wolves in this strange world then hypothetically speaking Leonardo would be somewhere too. Could it be possible that Leonardo broke his arm as a wolf?

If the discomfort of standing in this cold water wasn’t enough to wake Donatello up, then was it possible that whatever magic that the Dream Beavers used was keeping dream events from waking them up? What woke them up was Metalhead’s alarm, not Leonardo’s sudden broken arm.

How long would Leonardo have slept without feeling his arm if Metalhead hadn’t been there? A thought Donatello couldn’t think about right then.

The theory did explain the strange wounds on Leonardo that Raphael had spoken about on Friday. When Donatello checked the logs he found no evidence that anyone had left The Lair. It had left Donatello to assume that Leonardo had another way out of their home that we didn’t want to disclose. That concerned him but he knew how stubborn their leader and new Sensei could be.

And if Leonardo was having these dreams it would make sense that he wouldn’t speak about them. Leonardo was a very private turtle.

There was a way to test this theory that did not rely on his eldest sibling’s word.

Donatello took his paw to his muzzle and dug his claws in making two distinct deep cuts. If he woke up with these cuts he would know that injuries that take place in this world were coming over to the real world and that would be how Leonardo broke his arm and possibly received the scrapes and bruises.

Blood, warm and smelly, dripped off his snout and into the upset water below him.

Now if Raphael and Michelangelo could hurry up and get him out of here.

“Donnie!” Michelangelo yelled over the roaring storm. “Over here!”

Donatello would have yelled at Michelangelo about how that end of the ravine was deeper but he could barely hear what his brother said and doubted his own ability to wail louder than the loudest brother.

Soaked and hoping Michelangelo knew what he was doing, Donatello sloshed through mid leg high water into the deep end. What if he had tick bites and was covering himself in the muddy water? This was the outdoors there had to be fecal matter and urine in this water. He was asking for an infection.

“Mikey I hope you know what you’re doing!” Donatello howled up at his brother.

“Now Raph!” Michelangelo yelled.

A huge spray of water slapped down on Donatello. He yelped out as the icy water doused his fur. He shook himself out and turned around to see a slide behind him leading up the shallow end of the ravine. The end of the slide floated on the water.

“Donnie come on!” Raphael yelled from the other and of the slide.

Donatello edged closer seeing now that this slide was a thick shell of tree bark. He tentatively put his front paws on it, sinking it under the water. When he looked up the steep but maybe manageable incline he saw Raphael and Michelangelo had their end of the bark ramp in their jaws.

Water streamed down the center of the ramp making it slippery but perhaps this was all a metaphor his mind made up. Perhaps the ramp represented the connections of family, his siblings literally using the bond to pull him out of his pit. The same way Raphael and Michelangelo in the real world had pulled him into bed for a cathartic sob.

He had claws, retractable claws. An odd characteristic for a wolf to have but one that makes climbing the slippery ramp possible. As long as he ignored the lack of physics at play here. Unless he was a very small wolf there was no way this bark slide would support him at all. His legs shook as the ramp wobbled. This body was unfamiliar and strange. He had little space to exercise it and before and realized now that when he gets out he should do that.

He might have the dream again.

With four paws finally on the ground Raphael and Michelangelo were jumping all over him and- and licking his face!

“Gross!” Donatello whined, stepping away and shaking his head of rain, blood, and brotherly dream saliva.

“Yeah, why did we do that?” Raphael asked over the rain pelting down on them.

“He’s bleeding, that’s why!” Michelangelo said, charging forward with his tongue out.

Donatello pointed his head towards the sky, thankfully taller than both Raphael or Michelangelo even as a wolf. “Mikey!”

“I have this need to lick your scratch bro!” Michelangelo whined, standing on his hind legs to get up in Donatello's face. “Sides maybe this way we’ll have something to talk about when you wake up to prove we aren’t a part of your dream!”

A crack of thunder scared the three of them into running towards a huge tree. Judging by the stripped section of bark with was where Raphael and Michelangelo got the makeshift ramp.

Not important now.

“We should find cover,” Donatello said.

“Yeah, we wouldn’t want to get wet,” Raphael sassed.

“Look, let’s say I believe you and this dream is shared and we will have it again. We should find cover for the next storm,” Donatello argued.

Since he had no sense of scale in this world he could not say how far the large branch that just fell proving his point was from the. Maybe twenty of his own body lengths away which was far too close.

“This way!” Michelangelo said, heading down the very slightly sloped terrain.

“Mikey wait!” Raphael called, trotting after him.

Donatello followed but kept his eyes towards the bending branches and his ears tuned for cracking. Thankfully his long wolf legs and body ran after his brothers effortlessly.

Then it occurred to Donatello that Leonardo had a broken arm, which here would be a broken limb. Wolves can not run on broken limbs and adapting to three limb running wasn’t a fast practice. Hopefully Leonardo wasn’t caught in the storm as well.

“Mikey this is worse!” Raphael yelled.

Donatello came up behind them a new sound greeting his ears. A roaring crowd? A growling wind? He couldn’t identify the strange white noise and rustling parchment paper noise he was hearing.

It was a rushing river.

While the rock bank of the river had less trees, this was not a much safer place to be. The ground here could cave in at any second and Raphael and Michelangelo were standing too close to the edge.

“Get back here!” Donatello yelled.

They didn’t seem to hear him.

Dammit, he cursed, going forward to yank on their tails.

His heart thrummed in his chest as he got closer to the river. How Raphael and Michelangelo weren’t scared of falling in was a mystery. The air smelled of danger. Everything did but the river was loud and being pelted with bullets of rain.

“Is that a turtle?!” Michelangelo yelled.

Donatello whipped his head across the river, spotting an algae green shell just as it was swallowed by the brown rushing water.

“Well, at least turtles can swim,” Raphael yelled with a sympathetic twinge to his voice.

The ground shifted and roots snapped. His brothers screamed as they all hit the water and then there was nothing.

Donatello shot up into the sitting position with Raphael and Michelangelo.

“Shit,” Raphael panted, hand over his own heart. “Did we fall into the river?”

“Yeah and I’m totally gonna forget to hold my breath when I go to bed tonight!” Michelangelo whined.

Realizing he was safe in bed and not in a river, Donatello flopped back into bed and sighed. He put his hands over his face and just focused on how nice being dry and safe felt. Things he had been taking for granted.

“Doing alright Donnie?” Raphael asked, placing his hand on Donatello’s stomach.

“Yeah, you believe we're all in a dream where we're all wolves?” Michelangelo asked.

Donatello nodded. “Yes, I believe you,” he said. “But now I am eager to talk to Leo about this. If his arm is broken I don’t think he will be navigating as well as we are.”

Both Raphael and Michelangelo paled.

“Fuck…,” Raphael said, looking off at the wall.

“I guess that’s what we gotta do tomorrow night,” Michelangelo said. “I mean we’ll save Leo once we get out of the river of course.”

“That reminds me,” Donatello said, sitting up again. “Do I have a cut on my face?”

Raphael and Michelangelo studied him.

“Yeah but it’s like half healed,” Michelangelo said.

“And there’s blood on your pillow,” Raphael said, yanking the stained pillow out from behind Donatello.

“Interesting,” Donatello said, touching the still slightly damp stain.

Injuries in the dream come back with us, he concluded to himself.

Which sadly meant the river would hold real consequences.

The phone rang and Raphael was quick to pick it up.

“We’re coming!” Raphael said, slamming the phone down and running to the door. “Something’s wrong with Leo!” he yelled on his way out of their room leaving the door open.

Leonardo was in critical condition. He was coughing up water into a kidney dish while Donatello desperately tried to repair the ripped stitching in his brother’s right arm. Karai said Leonardo must have torn his bandages away, but the bandages and chest supports were all in place. The only evidence something was wrong was the blood spotting through the bandages.

That was mostly fixed now. They didn’t have anymore of his blood in the reserves they had used it all during surgery. Sadly Leonardo was not compatible with any of them. He had O negative blood which was great for Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo, but put Leonardo in a precarious spot if they ever ran too low on his own blood.

Believe it or not it is very difficult to get Leonardo to sit still for a blood donation. He does not like any medical procedures from Donatello which was why Master Splinter always did Leonardo’s physicals for him.

“Hold him steady,” Donatello ordered, almost finished with the last restitches.

Raphael didn’t say anything, just continued to try and hold Leonardo upright and still while he coughed and spit up dirty looking water into the kidney dish Michelangelo was holding.

“Okay, I’m done,” Donatello said, softly but loud enough that the male nurse on standby handed over the fresh dressings for Leo’s arm.

Hopefully with the precautionary antibiotic drip his brother wouldn’t open himself up for an infection.

Leonardo sucked in air between bouts of coughing up water. Donatello counted to sixty-two before his brother coughed up water again, but was caught off guard by the sound it made in the kidney dish. The container should be half full by now and he hadn’t seen Michelangelo move to empty it.

“I have a compound full of men and women who think of Leo as a legend for killing The Shredder,” Karai said as she came into the room. “Let one of them donate blood. I have no doubt they would consider it an honor.”

“It’s not that simple,” Donatello said, completely focused on his task of wrapping Leonardo’s arm up. “Mammal blood and reptile blood is different for one. And another issue is I know it would be very bad for us to give blood to a non-mutant, so I can’t imagine Leo receiving blood for a non-mutant would be safe.”

“He would demutate?” Karai asked.

“No, but his body might reject it and go into shock,” Donatello said. “And I would strongly suggest you don't use your Power of Attorney to try and overpower me on this unless you want your boyfriend dead.”

Karai was steely silent for a moment.

“I’ll be back with blood for Leo,” Karai said.

“Damn I wonder what she’s going to do?” Raphael asked, and Leonardo coughed again into the empty kidney dish. “Easy Leo, just keep coughing it up.”

“I’m not strapping his arm to his chest. I don’t want to hinder his ability to cough and his chest is no longer a stable resting place,” Donatello explained, placing Leonardo’s arm on a pillow on his lap under the kidney dish.

It was empty again.

“How are you emptying that so fast?” Donatello asked Michelangelo. “I need some of that for testing.”

“I’m not,” Michelangelo claimed. “It’s freaking evaporating.”

No, the room was at forty percent humidity. Even in a desert water would not evaporate within seconds.

“It’s true,” Raphael said. “I haven’t seen him empty it and even if he did, it’s bone dry.”

“Mr. Donatello,” the young male nurse behind him said. “Now that the patient is as stable as can be until Master Karai brings back more blood, would you like me to dress the cut on your face?”

Donatello stared at the young man, not more than twenty two years in age. Black, perfect skin, dreadlocks pulled back into a headband that perfectly matched his hospital scrubs. Would Donatello like the handsome young man to touch his face? Of course.

Sadly his brain just exploded with something else, halting his flustered mind.

“Raphael, we need to talk,” Donatello said, using Raphael’s full name so he knew not to argue.

“Johnathan,” he addressed the very handsome nurse. “If you could take Raphael’s place next to my brother I would appreciate it a lot.”

“Wait, what are you guys talking about?” Michelangelo asked.

“I’ll talk to you next Mikey,” Donatello assured while pulling Raphael off to the side of the room. “I don’t want Leo to be without one of us.”

Michelangelo seemed to accept that, turning his attention back to their coughing sibling as Johnathan took Raphael’s position supporting Leonardo in sitting upright. He flinched a little from the nurse but couldn’t defend himself from it before coughing again.

Donatello turned to Raphael now that they were by the recliners that Shini and Karai must have slept on last night.

“Leo is drowning,” Donatello said, plainly and without emotion because if he stopped to think about what he needed to say he was going to break down again. “The turtle we saw in the river before we woke up? I think that is Leo.”

Raphael shook his head. “No way, it was too small.”

Donatello frowned. “How would it be too small?” he asked. “We have no idea how large we are.”

“So what, in that dream place we’re the size of horses or some shit?” Raphael asked.

“And Leo got caught in that river,” Donatello said.

Raphael's point conflicted with his own about the bark slide, but there was something about the turtle and Leonardo's symptoms that he didn't want to waste time arguing the finer details.

“He can swim though,” Raphael argued.

“How well can he swim with a broken arm?” Donatello asked. He pointed to the cut on his face. “Speaking of which I think I know how Leo broke his arm.”

“How?”

“Metalhead’s footage didn’t lie, and our security system wasn’t tampered with. Leo broke his arm in that dream realm,” Donatello explained. “And he didn’t wake up from the broken arm, Metalhead’s alarm woke him up.”

“How would he not feel it?” Raphael asked.

“The same way I managed to cut myself in the middle of the dream and not wake up from the pain,” Donatello explained. “Karai and Shini woke Leo up because he was choking on water. Leo didn’t wake up even though he was drowning. If Metalhead hadn’t been on and in the lab he might have not woken us in time to save Leo.”

Raphael's mouth was slightly open now as he processed this crazy theory.

“I know this is crazy-,” Donatello began.

“No, it’s not crazy, but how do we fall asleep with him choking like that?” Raphael asked. “How will Leo fall asleep if he’s choking like that?”

Those were questions that Donatello wasn’t sure how to answer. He wanted to spare his brother the disturbing answer that Leonardo would eventually cough until he was so exhausted he would pass out. That would take a long time and be comparable to torture for their oldest brother.

“Can we sedate him? Then we all swallow some Ambien?” he asked.

“No, sedation isn’t sleep,” Donatello said. “I think part of the reason we couldn’t sleep while Leo was in surgery was because he wasn’t asleep either so some force stopped us.”

“Then how do we all go to bed at the same time?” Raphael asked.

Donatello looked over at Leonardo and Michelangelo, this all seemed impossible. “We can’t control that. But when we do get in the river we have one single objective and that is to save that turtle we saw.”

“Because it might be Leo,” Raphael said.

“Because it might be Leo,” Donatello repeated.

The double doors opened and Shini came in carrying a bag of blood. Donatello was quick to intercept.

“He can’t have that-,” Donatello began.

Shini jerked the bag away from him. “It’s Karai’s blood. She’s O negative and can be received by Leo who is O negative.”

“She’s a human-,” Donatello started until the realization hit him. “Unless you took the blood from Karai as a snake mutant?”

“Yes, what do you think I have been doing all this time but trying to keep Karai still enough in that form to get blood from her,” Shini snapped. “Here, one bag of mutant reptile O negative blood.”

Donatello cradled the bag of precious blood. “Thank you, Shini.”

“I would say no problem but actually it was a huge pain in the ass. She screeched at me the whole time! Very rude!” Shini huffed.

Raphael and Donatello shared a troubled glance. Snake Karai was not a stable mutant. She didn’t attack them anymore but she wasn’t entirely herself. What Shini had managed to do was a huge favor.

“Shin-Shini,” Leonardo coughed.

“Oh you look miserable,” Shini cooed, coming to take Michelangelo’s spot next to Leonardo. “It’s going to be a long day isn’t it?” she asked, taking a towel initial put down to catch water but was now dry to wipe Leonardo's sweaty forehead with.

“Doesn’t even flinch when she does it,” Michelangelo muttered just to Raphael and Donatello.

Donatello pushed the implications of that from his mind, and focused on getting this blood into Leonardo. Thankfully they still had the transfusion equipment in his room.

With the tasks slowly forming in his mind everything else faded away. The next day would be hell.

He never thought he would be eager to get back into that river, but now he just hoped he and his brothers still had the chance to save Leonardo before it was too late.

Chapter Text

Ever since waking up Leo had been suffocated. People holding him upright. Donnie stitching his arm. There were kidney dishes he was coughing into. The sheets on the hospital bed were sticking to his legs. Things were being done to him that he couldn’t stop. Donnie gave him blood, nurses took temperatures, and blood pressure readings.

On top of all that he was literally constantly coughing up water.

“How,” Leo coughed up more water, “Long?”

His eyes were constantly watering, his chest ached from the constant choking. His sinuses burned. His jaw ached. His back muscles burned.

This was torture.

He met Shini’s eyes as she wiped his face down. The water strangely evaporated, but his tears, spit, and sweat were all very real.

His body was growing tired and overwhelmed.

“It’s been about forty five minutes,” Shini said.

On Leo’s left side Donnie was keeping a tight hold of him. They had propped the bed up so Leo was more sitting up than laying down, but even that wasn’t upright enough while coughing up water.

“You’re doing good Leo,” Donnie reassured. He was whispering into Leo’s temple. The act was compassionate and had only started ten minutes ago when Leo’s heart rate climbed to ninety beats per minute. “You don’t have anything to worry about. We’ll take care of you.”

Leo felt like he had a lot to worry about, like drowning. He felt like he was living in some weird nightmare where there was obviously something medically wrong with him and everyone was giving him advice that sounded like it would kill him.

Donnie wanted him to fall asleep, while he was constantly coughing up water.

It just wasn’t going to happen. There was no way he could argue with Donnie either.

Another more embarrassing issue was fast arising. All this coughing and wheezing had quite literally knocked shit loose and Leo wasn’t sure how much longer he could juggle the bowel cramps and the coughing before the inevitable happened.

“Bathroom,” Leo coughed, silencing the room.

Donnie and Shini stopped trying to coach him through the coughing and instead stumbled on what to do.

Not that Leo knew what he wanted either. Donnie was his brother. Shini was his friend.

There was no way he could stay on the toilet alone. This coughing was making him so tired and he only had his left arm to work with but it still had the IV and then there was the robe and then there was-

There was the fact that he was so scared he couldn’t keep coughing this up.

“Yeah, okay,” Donnie said, getting off the bed. “I’ll help you-”

Leo shook his head quickly between coughs. “Shini,” he said.

Donnie looked so extremely hurt before smoothing out his face. “R-right,” he stammered. “I’ll disconnect the monitor and IV, make things easier.”

Shini grabbed Leo’s left hand. “It’s okay dear, it’s okay. We’ll make quick work of this and get you back in bed.”

Her voice was kind and warm and it destroyed any thought that she was disgusted by his request.

Fortunately his eyes were constantly streaming water from coughing so Donnie didn’t notice the extra tears forming as he started to cry.

“Come on,” Shini soothed as they walked slowly to the bathroom.

Leo held a towel over his mouth to cough into as they walked. Even though Leo swore it should be soaked with water it had only been keeping his spit and mucus contained.

“Sorry,” he choked out to Shini as soon as the door was closed. “For making you- do this.”

“I won’t hear any of that,” Shini said. “Look at me. What you’re going through is awful. I didn’t understand much of what your brother’s said about this dream world, I think that is more of Karai’s realm. Mutants and such.”

Leo nodded, he understood Shini was more of the mythical and spiritual realm.

Even without the coughing Leo struggled to figure out what Donnie was on about. Leo wasn’t having any lucid dreams as his brother suggested he was. It had been several nights since Leo had had a dream he could remember.

Leo eased down on the toilet with Shini’s help.

This was humiliating but at least this time he was controlling where he went to the bathroom.

Shini stood next to him, holding him upright… on the toilet… and this is a memory now that will inevitably haunt him for the rest of his life because he likes Shini.

One might say Leo would like to maintain a certain image of himself in her head. A flattering one.

Literally anything but the image of him coughing, crying, and now defecating on the toilet. This was the only image that was slightly better than coughing, crying, and defecating in the hospital bed.

Leo was quick to get a courteous flush in like there is any damage control that can actually be applied here. The rest of the experience was Leo trying to wipe himself clean and flush that and not drown while Shini stares at the wall behind the toilet.

Her silence is cold.

“I’m sorry-” he coughed.

That’s all he does is cough. It’s all he can do. His throat burns. Soon talking will be gone.

“Leo,” Shini said calmly, helping him stand and get over to the sink. “Remember when I had food poisoning, and Karai was in Japan? You remember what you did for me?”

.

.

.

It was late at night when Leo got the frantic text for help from Shini. He ended patrol early and sent his brothers home.

Leo was a pseudo Sensei. After Slash’s attack... Master Splinter just didn’t always have the energy to lecture or discipline them in the moment. If Leo told Master Splinter his brothers were giving him crap, Master Splinter brought the staff down on them when he had the strength.

So his three siblings snarled about being sent home while he got to stay out and Leo ignored them. He was aware how unfair it looked. He knew he was favored by Master Splinter. Leo didn’t care.

He was the Destined Student.

He wished Slash had finished the job. He wished Slash had crushed the rat’s skull with his mace. Sure it was what The Shredder wanted but life would be so much easier for him if Master Splinter just dropped dead.

He pushed the thought away before it could tangle into a knot in his stomach.

Shini and Karai lived in a very small apartment together. A hole in the wall that made April’s place look like a mansion

Leo easily scaled the side of the building and slipped in the window Shini left unlocked for him. As he closed it behind him he noticed the stench of sickness. A turtle's sense of smell is much better than a humans, but thankfully their stomach’s are also much stronger.

“Shini?” he called into the one room apartment.

It was three rooms if one counts the small bathroom and closet as rooms.

From the bathroom Leo heard retching, echoed by the porcelain bowl Shini had her head in.

Leo winced in sympathy. Being sick is never fun. He flicked on the lights to get a better idea of what he was dealing with. The bed was obviously a mess. It looked like Shini exploded from both ends.

He walked past the bed and into the kitchenette. He got down a glass and poured some water into it from a filtered pitcher in the fridge.

The bathroom door was partially open and Leo took the repeated hurling noises as an invitation to come in. Shini was covered in a lot of fluids that would normally be inside her. Puke on her front, and her hopes of getting herself on the toilet had obviously failed. Leo was struck by a sense of helplessness. This was his friend and he assumed that she was Karai’s girlfriend. Shini needed some serious help and Leo wasn’t sure that he was the right person for the job.

Still he knelt down beside her and gave her the glass of water.

“Here, swish this in your mouth and spit between episodes,” he told her.

He helped her tip the water glass into her mouth, she was that weak.

Leo had come as soon as he could, but a good thirty minutes had passed between Shini’s texts and his arrival. She was cold and a lot of what came out of her was caked on; including her long black hair, some of which was in the toilet.

Leo got up to find an elastic for her, and failed. But he did find a big hair clip that he might know how to use.

“Here, let’s get this clipped back,” Leo said, doing a perfectly mediocre job at gathering Shini’s hair behind her head and clipping it up.

Shini leaned forwards and dry heaved. Leo thought it maybe appropriate to rub her back just between her shoulder blades. He was still so far from knowing what to do.

“It’s okay. It’s not forever,” Leo said. If she was dry heaving there was likely an end in sight. “After this I’ll strip the sheets off your bed-”

“No-” Shini coughed out horrified.

“Shini-”

“Came out both ends,” she said. “I’ll deal with it.”

Leo’s frown deepened. “You can barely sit up. I won’t argue about this. I walk through sewers all the time-”

Shine dry heaved again.

Leo silently noted that mentioning the sewers had been a bad idea.

“Sorry,” he said, standing and grabbing a bath towel off the drying rack. He placed it around Shini’s shoulders. “I’ll be back, I’m just in the other room,” he explained.

Leo made quick work of cleaning. He was starting to realize there was no way he was going to get home tonight. With Karai away in Japan trying to get more help from some deflectors from The Foot Clan, Shini had no one.

The first thing he did was bump the heat up. It wasn’t Spring just yet, still cold enough out for the heat to be on at night. 

The sheets had to go in the garbage. They’re white, it was inevitable. The mattress protector was plastic and with some disinfectant and wiping he cleans it before putting the bed back together.

He checked on Shini and refilled her water.

He went back into the main room and found her clean clothes to wear and brought a plastic grocery bag for her soiled clothing.

“There is no saving those sheets, I threw them away,” Leo explained.

Shini nodded, she looked so pale.

Leo filled her water glass with cold tap water and helped her tip it into her mouth. Leo patiently waited several silent minutes with her, just hoping she was done.

“Do you think you are done puking?” he asked, not wanting to rush her. He just knew she couldn’t stay on the bathroom floor like this forever.

Shini spit into the toilet bowl. “I think so,” she said, her voice cracking and popping in her throat. “I hope so.”

Leo was legitimately concerned about how he was supposed to clean her up. If Shini was his brother he would have no issues. But Shini was a human female, she probably wasn’t going to want Leo to help her get undressed even if she needed him too.

“You should take a shower,” Leo said gently. “You are covered in-”

Shini grabbed the plastic grocery bag and crawled to the shower doors. She slid the frosted glass door open and fell into the tub.

Leo felt truly bad for her. If Karai was here she would be doing a much better job than he was.

Shini’s form was warped behind the glass but Leo looked away anyway. Nudity made him uncomfortable, he avoided bathing in front of his own siblings even though none of them really wore clothes to begin with.

He wished he did wear clothes.

In the shower Shini slowly stripped her clothes off and put them in the bag. She opened the door just enough to drop the knotted up bag on the bathmat.

“I’ll put that in the trash,” she said.

Leo shook his head and picked up the bag. “Take a shower, Shini.”

He left to dispose of the bag with the sheets and lingered in the kitchen. The clock on the stove clearly told Leo he was not getting home in time.

There was a game he was playing. Master Splinter may not be up for any of their private lessons, but Leo couldn’t blatantly break the rules. He wished his father would just punish him like he did his brothers. More training. No TV.

Instead Leo’s punishment was a long talk about their bond and how Leo’s disobedience harms the connection between student and teacher. Leo wasn’t sure what this bond was. Just that Master Splinter chose him when he was very young to be the next leader of their clan.

Because of Splinter’s injuries the bond hadn’t been refreshed in a long time. So Master Splinter spoke of all the work they would have to do once he was well again.

Leo often thought about breaking the bond but Master Splinter would have to pick a new successor in one of his brothers. Leo didn’t want that. There were parts of the bonding that his brothers wouldn’t understand and it was too important that someone take this role. What if all his brothers refused? Then the future of their clan would be in jeopardy.

Leo paced around the kitchen.

Master Splinter’s reasoning for all this made sense when he was younger. He didn’t understand why when he was little why telling anyone about the bond was bad. It apparently would disturb the spiritual energy if others, like his brothers, knew about it. Which was why he and Master Splinter lied and said Leo had private lessons.

But then if Leo wanted to stop Master Splinter would have to choose a new student to bond with and Leo would know about that.

It didn’t make sense.

Because then that knew bond would be something Leo would know about, and that would break the bond before it even began.

Leo came back to the present, leaning against the kitchen sink.

The shower still hadn’t started.

Leo went back over to the door.

“Shini?” he asked. “I don’t hear any water running.”

“I uh-” Shini started. “I have an issue.”

Leo's heart sank. “What is it?” he asked.

He really hoped she wouldn’t need him to get in the shower with her.

“I’m too light headed to do this by myself,” Shini said, voice shaking.

To be covered in puke and unable to clean yourself sounded awful to Leo. Pushing his own uncomfortableness to the side he walked into the bathroom.

“Shini,” Leo announced. “As your friend, and only you friend, would you like me to help you take a shower?”

Behind the frosted glass she was clearly still on the floor of the tub.

“I don’t want you to see me naked,” Shini said.

Leo didn’t want to see her naked either. “I can close my eyes,” he suggested, even though he was going to close them anyways.

Shini was very quiet for a long moment. “O-okay,” she stuttered.

Leo hated stripping off his gear around others. His heart raced as he started to undo his elbow pads. This was why he showered alone, because it was more comfortable.

“I’m entering the shower now,” Leo said, closing his eyes tightly before he opened the door. “Perhaps you can tell me when I have found the faucet and we can go from there.”

“Leo, just open your eyes,” Shini said, resigned to her humiliation.

Out of the corner of his eye he could see her sitting in the tub, but he focused on turning the water on to hot. That’s what humans liked. Hot water.

The water misted back at him and his eyes reacted immediately, closing the nictitating membrane that made his eyes appear white. His vision was blurry with them closed but oddly that was just perfect for this situation.

The shower was small and hard to share. Leo brought the showerhead down and rinsed Shini’s head and top half before handing it to her. Where the clip had gone was a mystery. Shini must be holding it.

“Here, you do your lower parts,” Leo said.

While Shini did that, Leo looked for her shampoos and conditioners.

All Shini needed help with in the end was having her hair washed and conditioned. The water cleaned off the sick from her body. Leo’s semi translucent eyelids gave her privacy she didn’t know she had.

Birds were chirping outside by the time he had Shini dry and back in her bed. He sat next to her while she nibbled saltine crackers and sipped flat seven-up. She didn’t have the strength to hold a conversation and Leo wouldn’t have known what to say if she did.

Leo’s T-Phone buzzed constantly and he ignored it. Staying with Shini was nicer than being home, he had already accepted the consequences.

And it wasn’t like his brothers really cared if he was okay or not.

They could squirm.

.

.

.

Leo’s face dropped.

“I remember,” he said, following it with more coughed up water.

“Good, I was so terrified until you showed up Leo,” Shini said, helping him dry his hand. “You got me through that. I will get you through this. I promise.”

He nodded. He believed her.

He knew that no matter what that Shini was going to be there to hold his hand.

Leo was going insane.

His chest burned. His head was on fire.

He was coughing up glass, or at least it felt like that.

His brothers had left the room and that caused him to panic. It was an irrational panic that he couldn’t explain to himself. Something deep inside of him was scared and desperately wanted his brothers around him.

When they came back they set up cots near his bed. They talked about rivers and undercurrents. Leo was drowning and he felt invisible as they did nothing to help him with his affliction but tell him to sleep.

He wondered where Karai was, just as he coughed so hard he felt like part of his lungs were ripping.

Sobbing and coughing was hard. He couldn’t see, he couldn’t speak.

He couldn’t breathe.

“Donnie,” Raph said, almost growling. “This has been going on for hours. There had got to be a better way.”

Leo didn’t care how he looked, as soon as Raph sat down on the bed next to him Leo latched on. If he could talk he would scream that he didn’t want to be alone. He hated not being able to breath. He hated constantly choking. His mind was playing sick games with him. Dr. Keno had said intrusive thoughts could be redirected, but all Leo could think about was tea being forced down his throat.

“Raph!” Leo cried out, hoping his voice conveyed how terrified he was.

“I’m right here Leo,” Raph said, holding him up. “Let’s give Shini a break and I can just stay right here with ya-”

Leo puked and blacked out.

.

.

.

It was several weeks after Leo had killed The Shredder when he finally found himself alone with Karai. Their injuries had kept them both hunkered down.

And the grief of Master Splinter’s death was still strung between them. A tripwire neither of them dared to step on.

“Are you in pain?” Leo asked.

They were on the roof of the Mighty Mutanimals new base. Leo’s brothers and everyone else was downstairs where there was music and loud noise. Leo was also pretty sure there was alcohol being handed out to his underage siblings but even he didn’t have the heart to be a hard shell tonight.

So he went to the roof to be alone and Karai followed him.

“Well the hospital stay wasn't fun,” she said. Her arm was still in a sling. At least her ribs were heeled from the CPR Leo did.

That was not a kiss, as much as his brothers teased it was.

She joined him on top of one of the vents. Her company was fine because she didn’t keep congratulating him for killing The Shredder. For getting revenge for their father’s death. He had assumed it was because while The Shredder was an awful human being, Karai still had a bond with him. It must have hurt when he killed The Shredder and she must have not wanted to talk about it.

But Leo really needed someone to talk to.

“No, I mean,” he began, unsure if she would lash out at him for even asking. “The Shredder, he was your Sensei. Did it hurt when I killed him?”

Karai’s face contorted into disgust. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” she sneered.

Her voice was filled with so much disdain Leo immediately shrunk down. Needles erupted all over his body. Master Splinter had warned that talking about the bond with others dishonored it. He also warned that if someone tried to get detail about their bond that Leo should refute its existence.

Karai was obviously upholding the honor Leo could not.

The roof door opened and Leo didn’t dare move. He felt frozen. He hated that he had the moment of weakness to ask Karai about her bond. Master Splinter was looking down on him now with so much disappointment.

In the corner of his eye he saw Shini sit next to Karai, a red cup in her hand. It smelled like liquor. Smokey, sweet.

“What's going on?” Shini asked.

Karai finally stopped staring at him and let her shoulders relax. “Nothing,” she told Shini. “Just Leo shoving his huge foot in his mouth.”

He understood now, he had overstepped.

“No Leo,” Karai said with an annoyed sigh. “The only thing I felt when I learned you killed The Shredder was overwhelming relief.”

Leo shook his head. “No, not when we told you,” he stressed, unable to stop himself from digging further into the subject. “But that night did you feel pain as the bond was broken?”

“Bond?” Karai asked, getting mad enough the Shini had to grip her shoulder. “That man was a monster Leo. For fuck’s sake why the hell are you acting like I'm still loyal to him?”

Of course, Karai must have severed the bond when she learned Master Splinter was her real father.

“So you broke the bond before I killed him?” Leo asked. “Did you break it when you learned we weren’t lying about Master Splinter being your real father? Was there intense pain involved? Can you describe it?”

Karai stared at him.

Even Shini stared at him before taking a sip from her cup.

“Did… did you hit your head?” Karai asked.

“Wasn't The Shredder your teacher? Your Sensei?” Leo asked, thinking that a different angle might work.

“No,” Karai said. “Hell no,” she clarified. “That would have involved him spending time with me,” she said, a bit of resentment in her voice.

“Who was your Sensei?” Leo asked.

Now looking more clearly at Karai’s situation it made sense that The Shredder wouldn’t bond with her himself. The bond would reveal his true intentions about how he killed Karai’s mother and stole her from the scene of the crime.

“Master Tatsu,” Karai said.

“Did you make a bond with him?” Leo asked.

Karai shrugged. “He wasn't awful, but we weren’t friends.”

Well Leo wasn’t friends with Master Splinter. He was confused as to why Karai even clarified that.

“So you did have a bond?” he asked, putting emphasis on the last word.

For a few seconds all that could be heard was the bass of the music below them, shaking the vent ever so slightly.

Shini was the first to break the semi-silence. “Maybe this is like a language barrier,” she said. “Because I don't think I know what bond means.”

“Right,” Karai said, wiping her angry expression away. “Leo,” she said very clearly. “What the fuck is a bond?”

At this point Leo was sure Karai didn’t have one, for whatever reason. His bad luck since he didn’t have a huge social circle of highly trained ninjas to talk to.

“It's what the Destined Student has with their Sensei,” he said.

It was playing with fire to use bond language outside of the bond but Leo was growing tired of how alone he felt. He simply wanted answers. Perhaps if Karai wasn’t bonded she would know of the practice and where to point him for more answers.

“Destined Student?” Karai and Shini said in unison.

Leo’s hopes sank to his feet. This was feeling more and more like a deadend.

“When I was little my father saw my potential and chose me for a more advanced level of training,” Leo explained. “We worked on connection, our spiritual energy, and the bond of knowledge that needs to be transferred between student and teacher.”

“I don't think I ever had that. Master Tatsu wasn't as spiritually grounded as Splinter,” Karai said.

That didn’t even occur to Leo as a possibility.

“Oh,” he said, a bit dejected.

Karai, seeing now that he wasn’t questioning her loyalty put her good hand on his arm.

Leo allowed it because it was just his arms and she wasn’t even touching his bare scales.

“So you and Splinter were bonded?” Karai asked, Shini leaned in to hear more of the story.

“I don't know,” Leo said, feeling ashamed now. Feeling like he was a child admitting he had drawn on the sewer walls. “Master Splinter said we were. But he told me that when he passes away I will gain all his knowledge and be able to carry his spirit. He warned it would be painful. But he's been dead a month and nothing has happened. I'm not even sure how to guide my brothers.”

“That is completely out of my realm,” Karai admitted.

Leo nodded, but he was more grateful that he had someone to talk to. Even if it got him no answers.

“I think I did something wrong,” he said. “I wasn’t always as willing to learn during our lessons.”

Master Splinter had explained that those were bond tests. When Leo’s body and mind told him not to move forward with something, it was being tested. To push forward anyways was strength.

Leo always tried his best to be strong.

“You disobeying Master Splinter?” Shini teased. “Impossible.”

He supposed in the last few months of Master Splinter’s life he had been a bit more rebellious. But he was more referring to their direct lessons. Not curfews.

“Well sometimes it hurt,” he said, feeling his stomach clench. “But that’s normal right?”

“Yes,” Karai said. “You don’t want to know what Master Tatsu did to get rid of my fear of spiders.”

Leo could only imagine, he frowned in sympathy. Perhaps Karai wasn’t bonded, but she did go through her trials.

“Did either of you have a normal upbringing?” Shini asked.

“No,” Leo and Karai said together.

.

.

.

“Leo, it’s okay,” Raph soothed, holding a bucket under Leo’s chin. “We’re gonna save you Leo-”

Raph’s words were going in and out. He could hear half of what his brother was saying before he hurled again.

“-the river. I’m going to save you from the river,” Raph promised.

What river? Leo wondered.

He was starting to wonder if any of this was real.

They say it has been six hours and at any point he’ll succumb to exhaustion. He wasn’t coughing anymore, it had taken him all day to learn that no matter what he did the water never filled his lungs. All he needed to do was sit on the edge of his hospital bed and put his head between his knees and let the water fall out of him.

It felt gross, it made him sick to his stomach.

Still, it was so much better than coughing that he could have cried with happiness.

The system was working nicely. He just needed a strong person on each side to hold him like this and thankfully his brothers had taken the role. Currently Raph and Mikey were on either side of him holding him steady. Their hands were soothing, which was odd because Leo hated to be touched most of the time.

“I’m worried we’re going to mess it up,” Mikey said to Raph.

“We aren’t,” Raph said. “And Leo,” he said leaning down. “You gotta keep your head above water.”

Now that he wasn’t coughing he was able to comprehend more of what people were saying to him. Apparently the Dream Beavers were back and responsible for all of this. Raph, Donnie, and Mikey were dogs of some sort in this dreamland and apparently Leo was there too but he was in a river.

Leo didn’t have the energy currently to tell them he couldn’t remember a single dream from the past few nights.

“It’s very important that once we’re all asleep that we aren’t woken up unless there is an emergency here,” Donnie said, addressing Shini and the nurses. “We’ll need time to get Leo out of the river or else when we wake up he’ll still be drowning.”

Perhaps there was a disconnect? Or maybe he was doing something wrong?

His brother’s words faded in and out. Leo waited for sleep but knew he still had several more hours of spitting water in him.

.

.

.

Leo figured that perhaps if he told Karai more about the bond she could help him sever it. Initially the idea of doing that seemed like a betrayal to his father, but Leo was starting to believe maybe there was something wrong with the bond.

For example his father often gave him memories of their previous bonding traditions at very inconvenient times. As much as Leo meditated on them he couldn’t find a reason for his father to show those things to him unless it was in error.

Or perhaps it was a punishment since the ones his father was showing him were the times he fought back. He had given into the spirits testing their bond and begged for his father to stop. Thankfully his father never did, even when Leo was bigger and stronger Master Splinter had tea blends to weaken his body and strengthen his will-

Suddenly Leo didn’t feel so sure about going to Karai. Suddenly he felt extremely sick to his stomach. What if Master Splinter knew he was trying to break the bond and that was why the lessons were reappearing. What if telling Karai led to more of the strange sensations from those lessons?

The ritual involved a certain intimate connection that outsiders would probably misconstrue as nefarious, but Leo knew the spiritual context behind it and it wasn’t anything wrong. For that reason though he needed to talk to Karai. She had a more worldly view than his brothers. She had probably heard of the practice of teacher and student bonding and would help him find more information about it.

Leo took a deep breath and continued his deliberate route to the Foot Headquarters. Most of the building was undergoing huge renovations. Karai had spoken of making the soldiers quarters more livable and replacing Baxter Stockman’s lab with a hospital. He felt guilty to take up Karai’s time like this, but at the same time the way Master Splinter was advancing in on his mind was causing him a lot of distress.

It was only a constant reminder of how much of a failure Leo was.

When Leo arrived he felt sick again, it might have been the building and the bad memories of The Shredder. It was odd walking through the front doors of the hideout like he belonged there. Now the Foot Soldiers lingering about and training weren’t threats. They were admirers of his.

Leo, the warrior who decapitated The Shredder with his father’s swords.

The marble floors were cold under his feet. Karai had plans to change all of the interior into something less archaic and cold, but quality of life things had to come first. For now Leo planned to meet Karai in an indoor garden where the Foot Clan tended to several ancient bonsai trees. Ironically some of those trees were worth more than Kraang Tech.

Even though they were The Shredder’s private collection, Karai chose to keep them and take care of them herself.

When Leo walked into the garden he saw her tending to one of them. Again, he felt bad for taking up her alone time. He also felt bad for being late. There had been so many times on the way over that he had stopped and almost went back home.

“Sorry I am late,” Leo said, closing the garden door behind him.

“I was wondering what was taking you so long,” Karai said. “Can you talk while I water or do you need my undivided attention?”

To anyone else it would sound rude, but Leo knew she was asking because she wanted an honest response.

That didn’t stop Leo from lying however.

“You can water,” he said, sitting down on the padded bench that lined the short back wall.

The room wasn’t very large at all. It was around thirty feet long and teen feet wide. The entrance was on one of the shorter walls with the padded bench opposite. The two longer walls were lined with ornate metal tables, seven large and intricate bonsai trees on each one.

Leo rather liked the third one in from the door on the left. Instead of a single tree it was like a miniature forest of thick redwoods. The style of that bonsai was Yose-ue and it reminded Leo of the little fantasy worlds he would draw as a child. In fact, if Karai would let him, this would be a great room to take his sketch pad into and waste several hours.

Right now Leo had more pressing matters.

“I was wondering if you were still able to help me find an expert on this spiritual teaching Master Splinter did with me?” Leo asked. “I looked for his journals but I have had no luck finding them.”

“Actually Leo I have been asking around,” Karai said. “So far I can only think Splinter was teaching you Spiritual Refinement, which is a technique of Ninjutsu-”

“Seishin-teki kyōyō,” Leo cut in, unable to help himself. “No, it was different from seishin-teki kyōyō,” Leo said. “Master Splinter said it only existed in verbal form it was so secret. That kind of power, it couldn’t be in the hands of anyone else.”

Karai paused, pressing her fingers into the dirt of one of the bonsai trees.

Leo wet his lips and tried to keep himself from vibrating.

“I need to break the bond, but I am not sure how to do it,” he explained, over-explained actually, Karai seemed sick of him.

Deep down inside he knew one way in theory to break the bond but it was embarrassing. He could break the sanctity of the bond with Master Splinter by breaking the most important rule.

The watering can was abruptly placed on the table. It was a shiny copper one that echoed as it hit the metal table top. Leo tried not to flinch as she came over and sat down next to him.

“I thought this bond was the key to you finding out how to guide your brothers,” Karai said. “If you break it won’t you lose that?”

Leo fidgeted. Perhaps he was being selfish by not enduring this. At the same time though he was being crushed by the way Master Splinter was reteaching the lessons. He could not hold himself in a fight if he was also experiencing a pinching and stretching sensation in his cloaca.

Without the tea blends that would paralyze him and keep him quiet, Leo was struggling to control his panic during these reteachings. He did not want to risk one of his brothers walking in on him relearning a past lesson.

“I need to break it,” Leo said. “I think there was something wrong with the bond. I think I did something wrong. I’ve been experiencing pain recently that has been harder and harder to handle. I am having trouble eating and sleeping and-”

I’ve kind of thought about killing myself.

Karai looked him up and down. “Pain where?” she asked.

Leo looked away and squeezed his legs shut. This was the part she wouldn’t understand, because it sounded so wrong when he said it outloud but when Master Splinter had explained it made sense.

So it had to make sense.

Leo was just bad at explaining things.

“Leo?” Karai asked, taking his hand. “If you’re in pain, why don’t you talk to Donnie? He’s the one who takes care of your medical needs right?”

Leo was surprised by the hand grab, but it was nice. Karai’s hand was friendly and something to focus on.

“I uh-,” he struggled to find a way out of that logic. “It’s not a pain Donnie can help me with. It’s a memory of a pain that Master Splinter is showing me through the bond that is getting hard to cope with.”

Karai was staring at him intently, but she wasn’t understanding.

“Do you ever feel something you felt a long time ago?” Leo asked. “Only it sticks with you longer until you begin to think it will never go away?”

“PTSD?” Karai asked.

Leo shook his head. “No, that’s for a bad thing. What Master Splinter was doing was not bad.”

“But it was painful enough that years later you are having flashbacks?” Karai asked. “I can understand that Leo. Part of Master Tatsu’s training dealt with pain endurance. I sometimes have nightmares about it.”

That was abuse though. What Karai went through was abuse. Leo was going through lessons.

“Not flashbacks,” Leo corrected. “Master Splinter is pushing through our bond but I believe something is wrong. He’s showing me all the times I struggled to follow instructions or when it hurt beyond what I believed I could handle. He’s been doing it at times that are not helpful. For this reason I think it best I sever the bond.”

Karai was still not looking convinced. “Leo…, I would like to help you, but I either need more information so I know what to ask other people, or you need to find the answers yourself.”

He understood and nodded. “There is a way to break the bond, but I worry that you won’t understand Master Splinter’s actual intentions.”

“What does that have to do with breaking the bond?” Karai asked, standing up. “Leo I am trying to keep an open mind since you are my friend but isn’t this something you should be talking about with your brothers?”

Leo shrunk down a little, but not into his shell. It was hard not to but Karai would laugh if he did. His whole body felt so wrong. Of course coming to Karai with this was wildly inappropriate. Master Splinter may have raised Leo and his siblings, but he was Karai’s biological father. What if breaking the bond to Karai upset her and ruined their friendship?

At the same time though, he had a suspicion he dared not voice about the bond. And for that reason he didn’t want to break the bond with his siblings.

“Can you please help me?” Leo asked, voice shaking.

He wouldn’t even bother going home if Karai refused him. He would be better off jumping from a high building.

“I…,” Karai sighed. “First tell me how the bond breaking works then I’ll decide.”

Leo nodded emphatically. He pushed the lump out of his throat and forced himself to look her in the eye.

Pressure built in his throat and behind his eyes though.

“One- one way to-,” he squeezed his eyes shut, desperate to not cry in front of Karai.

Tears started to soak the part of his mask under his eyes.

“Leo,” Karai said, crouching down in front of him. “Are you in pain right now?”

Leo shook his head and thumbed tears out his eyes.

“No, it’s just, I’m scared you’ll think the wrong thing,” he explained.

Karai waited until he put his hand back on his knees to place her hand on top of his knuckles.

“Leo, I hope you know I don’t have a comforting bone in my body. Why on earth are you choosing me for this?” she asked.

“Because you won’t tell anyone else,” Leo said, struggling to hold back more tears. “He was your dad too. So you’ll wait until I am done explaining before you assume anything bad.”

“So far I am pretty mad if Splinter is causing you this much pain from beyond the grave,” Karai said, rubbing her thumbs over his dry knuckles. “How do we break the bond?”

“Master Splinter said our bond had to remain pure from outside influence. As such telling anyone about any part of the bond would hurt it. This would cause both of us a lot of pain. The issue is, the way Master Splinter connected to me, no matter how I phrase it… it sounds wrong. It sounds like something else. When I know it wasn’t something else,” Leo explained, his head hurt so bad already.

There was no way she would see it for what it really was. If only Master Splinter had left his journals somewhere for Leo to find. Then he would have the correct way to phrase it.

“Okay…,” Karai said slowly. “Just for you, I’ll hold my tongue.”

Leo smiled just for a second. Sometimes with the right words he could get Karai to act like an older sister without asking for it in clear words. He took a deep breath and debated where to start.

“I have found that there is no way to say this without it sounding needlessly sexual. Master Splinter and I shared the most intimate parts of our bodies with each other,” Leo said, he closed his eyes to avoid seeing any changes on Karai’s face. “When I was very little Master Splinter started by us both drinking a tea blend that would make us-”

The next words sounded so bad that he had to stop himself.

“Erect,” he said, shaking fully now. “It wasn’t like it sounds. The penis is a very intimate part of a student’s body- so we used those parts to- no, we utilized our most intimate parts to create this bond so I would be a better ninja.”

He was already botching the explanation. At the same time Master Splinter was pushing memories from when he was young and scared about the sensations the tea blends gave him in his tail. His breathing turned into something frantic. Too much carbon dioxide in the greenhouse. A little voice in the back of his head started to whisper about why this sounded wrong.

“Leo it’s okay,” Karai said, gripping his hands tightly.

“I can’t breathe,” Leo panted, twisting his hands from under Karai’s to claw at his neck. “I can’t breathe, I'm going to pass out.”

The edges of his vision were getting dark. Master Splinter was pressing on the bond again and forcing Leo to think and feel that time when he was seven and-

He fell over off the padded bench.

“Just breathe,” Karai said, steadying Leo’s shoulder as he curled himself into a ball.

The floor was tilting.

His cloaca burned.

“It’s just Master Splinter pressing on the bond,” Leo gasped.

The air was so thin and his chest hurt so bad. He lost feeling in his limbs and his head got lighter and lighter no matter how hard he breathed.

Then there was nothing.

.

.

.

Leo disliked spiritual explanations. He disliked the Dream Beavers. It felt like something more insidious was going on. This was all an excuse to keep them from the real problem.

At the moment though Leo had another recurring problem he needed help with yet again.

He waited until another splash of water fell out of his mouth before asking for the bathroom.

Leo had been awake for ten hours and everyone was trying to encourage him to sleep.

Shini and a nurse had given him a humiliating sponge bath while he was in the bathroom. It felt nice to be clean, but not when it came at the price of his pride.

When he came out of the bathroom his bed was made with clean bedding and the room was dimmed. His brothers helped him get into bed and lay on his side where he could cough into a towel.

Leo wished he could talk to them. Now that sleep was getting harder and harder to fight he was starting to fear this would be the last time he ever saw them. There were things he needed to tell them before he died.

“Here Leo,” Donnie soothed, urging Leo to lay on his left side. Very gently Donnie set Leo’s bandaged right arm on two stacked pillows. “Do you want anything for the pain?”

Leo shook his head and then turned his face to cough up more water into the towel.

Pain meds would make him drowsy.

“Leo,” Mikey said, coming up next to Donnie. “You can trust us. We’re going to get you out of there.”

Another set of turtle hands that could only belong to Raph pulled the blankets up around him.

Leo coughed again.

“Scared to sleep,” he rasped.

Scared he wouldn’t wake up. Scared he would die and his brothers would never know the truth about Master Splinter. Scared they would never know how much he loved them despite how he pushed them away.

There were so many regrets he was drowning in them.

.

.

.

When Leo woke up he was on the floor of the greenhouse. A thin throw blanket was draped over him and one of the pillows from the bench was under his head.

“Leo?” Karai asked.

Hearing her voice reminded him of everything. Quickly he sat up, very embarrassed over passing out in Karai’s greenhouse. He was startled to find another figure on the bench behind him, but relaxed when he saw it was just Shini.

“Sorry,” Leo mumbled, the right side of his body was cold from laying on the stone tiled floor. He rubbed his right shoulder and looked at Karai a bit unsure what to do.

Shini tapped his shoulder. “Here, drink some water,” she said, passing down a fresh water bottle.

Leo hadn’t even realized how thirsty he was. He graciously took the bottle and chugged half of it.

Karai was sitting on the floor across from him, her face looked red and her eyes irritated.

“Leo, about Splinter-,” Karai said.

Leo looked down, gripping his water bottle in his hands. “I know,” he said quietly. “I know there is no bond. I know the Destined Student thing was a lie. I know it’s as bad as it sounds because that’s exactly what it is.”

Shini rested his hand on the top of his head, Leo was too spent to care about touch. It actually felt nice to have her there.

“Then why not just tell me that?” Karai asked, her voice held no anger but Leo still felt accused.

He shrugged. “Because I didn’t know what to do if it was true,” his throat got tight again. “And I still don’t know what to do because I can’t keep living like this it hurts,” he said, covering his face so they wouldn’t see the fresh tears.

Karai stood on her knees and pulled Leo into her. At first Leo flinched, contact always felt wrong and reminded him of his father. But Karai didn’t let go and he relaxed after a second. He even put his arms around her.

It had been so long since he had been hugged.

“It’s okay if you don’t know what to do Leo,” Karai said.

Behind him Shini was rubbing the top edge of his carapace.

“We won’t let you figure this out alone,” Karai said. “Shini and I talked while you were unconscious, we think no matter what you should spend the next couple of days with us. We’ll make a plan.”

“It’ll be the best plan,” Shini added, leaning closer to hug him from behind while still laying on the bench. “Do you trust us?”

Leo nodded without hesitation into Karai’s warm neck. He could hear it in their voices. They were going to help him.

They were going to help him come to terms with what Master Splinter had been doing.

.

.

.

“Don’t you dare be afraid of sleep,” Donnie said, getting down to look Leo in the eyes “I have thought a lot about this. I think if you take your pain medication and something to help you sleep then the next time you wake up you won’t be coughing like this.”

Leo coughed in response.

“You’ll be able to breathe,” Donnie emphasized.

“Leo, you gotta trust us,” Mikey whispered. “You can’t live like this. It’s torture.”

Leo coughed, Raph held him steady. He knew they were right, even if he was scared. He knew it was irrational to be so scared when his brothers had his best interests at heart.

It was Mikey’s statement about torture that snapped Leo from his fear. This coughing, this constant slow drowning… it was only hurting him.

“Okay,” Leo coughed.

“You’ll take the meds?” Donnie asked.

Leo nodded.

And if I survive this I need to end another torture as well, he thought.

Chapter Text

Sitting next to Leo on his hospital bed brought up bad memories. Like heartburn Raph sat with the bitter aftertaste of bathwater and peeling wallpaper. He could see Leo was awake, coughing, breathing, and sometimes even answering a question.

Raph’s mind was sitting on a stool with his fingertips in the water.

They all had secrets. Their Brotherhood wasn’t transparent. Raph held secrets to himself, some he will never tell anyone about. The things Casey had revealed to him. Those moments of intimacy where secrets and fears spilled out. The shit Casey was going through right now that Raph couldn’t be around for because they got Dream Beavers up their asses.

Some secrets aren’t secrets at all. They are bits and pieces of something that don’t make sense. And because they don’t make sense without more pieces to compare them to they become secrets. Raph had several of those all in a warped cardboard box labelled Leo.

Today he added several more unhelpful ones. The way Leo grabbed at Raph asking him to stay, when any other day that type of contact would have Leo recoiling. Today he had spent hours hugging Leo and whispering things to him while he choked over and over again. Raph helped him drink water and wiped his face clean of spit and snot.

Leo had curled into Raph and pressed towards touch and it was hard to keep all of this separate from one of those secrets he had about his older brother.

.

.

.

“What do you say we work on today, Leo?” Raph asked, packing his sleeping bag up.

The bathroom floor wasn’t comfortable but over the past few months Raph had made it work. It was worth the back pain if it meant being here the second Leo woke from his coma.

“Think maybe the window?” he asked his eerily still brother.

Raph talked to Leo a lot during his coma. About anything that could come to his mind hoping that some combination of words would get through to his brother. That’s what Donnie encouraged him to do. Just talk to Leo about anything.

“I say we clean this window,” Raph said, opening the lock and pushing the framed glass up.

There were a lot of dead flies that Raph planned to suck up with the vacuum. He just had to find the vacuum and clean out the vacuum bag, but that shouldn’t be too difficult.

“Okay,” Raph said. “This shit is easy we’ll get it done in a flash-”

“Nngh-,” Leo moaned, water splashing onto the floor as his hands came out of the water to grip the lip of the tub. “No-, ah, nuh nuh no-”

“Wait Leo!” Raph yelled in a vain attempt to reach Leo before he thrashed himself out of the tub. “Stop! You’re okay!”

He managed to put himself between Leo and the floor, catching his wet frail brother.

“No no no!” Leo cried, his fingernails scratching Raph’s arms and shoulders as he attempted to crawl away. His eyes were unfocused and his breathing was a hoarse wheeze.

Raph held Leo tighter. There was no fight in this because Leo was so thin. Leo pressed and tried to force Raph away.

“Leo it’s me,” Raph said, he kept his tone calm but under it he was scared of hurting Leo. He pulled Leo closer despite the protest. “Come on man, you’re safe.”

Leo’s hands slipped against Raph’s plastron and he stopped fighting. He touched Raph’s arm and finally looked at him before frantically pulling Raph closer.

“Make it stop!” Leo wailed, curling himself into Raph’s lap. “Raph please make it stop!” Leo screamed, clawing at him, twisting his legs closed. Only stopping once Raph wrapped his arms around his shell and held.

Raph rocked them both. Whatever Leo was reliving Raph needed to talk him out of.

“I- I can’t because nothing is happening,” Raph said, stroking the back of Leo's skull. “We aren’t in the city. We fled. You’re safe.”

Leo shook his head into Raph's neck. “Please!” he begged with his whole body, pressing into Raph as hard as he could. “Raph please you have to get me out of here!”

“You are out of there,” Raph said.

The Shredder was still in the city. Leo didn’t understand that. The last thing he saw would have been The Shredder knocking him into a coma.

“Master Splinter,” Leo cried.

Raph’s chest hurt. Master Splinter might be dead, and that was something they couldn’t tell Leo right now.

“He’s not here Leo, he’s uh… he stayed behind to help us get away,” Raph lied.

“Please don’t leave me alone with him,” Leo cried, hot tears streaming down Raph’s neck and gathering on the top edge of his plastron.

“I won’t, I got you, I got you,” Raph whispered. He rubbed Leo’s shell as he cried and shivered. He hoped Leo would soon come down from his panic, but shit he was the exact wrong turtle to be giving comforting words. “You’ll never face The Shredder alone again.”

Raph would kill The Shredder for this. Whatever he had done to Leo to cause this kind of reaction, just the thought made his blood boil.

“It’s gonna be okay, Leo,” Raph growled.

“You’ll keep him away from me?” Leo asked, no longer sobbing, but still holding onto Raph.

“I promise,” Raph said, adjusting Leo as his frail body started to relax. “He’ll never hurt you again,” Raph said, his mouth against the top of Leo’s skull.

.

.

.

“Come on Raph,” Donnie whispered, tugging at Raph’s hand. “We need to be asleep when Leo falls asleep.”

The cots seemed too far away from Leo. Raph wanted to be closer, he wanted to be right next to Leo where he could catch him. Hell if Raph had just stuck a little closer when the nurse was cleaning Leo the other day then he wouldn’t have struggled like that.

“I can take over,” Shinigami said.

Her accent was sandpaper on his ears. Her appearance wasn’t better on his eyes. All that dark makeup and those pursed lips. She wasn’t what Leo needed. All Raph knew about Shinigami was that she was a nuisance that sometimes came down to The Lair and rearranged their fridge magnets.

Raph stood up but his heart wasn’t in it. This was his job, not hers. How dare she think this is something she can just take over for him-

Donnie tugged him harder and he relented. The cots were set up and if Donnie’s theory was right, then they needed to be asleep when Leo finally drifted off. Raph wasn’t sure how he could fall asleep when every cough made him want to rush to Leo’s side.

As he sat down he watched Shinigami get on the bed behind Leo and spooned him. Leo didn’t even flinch.

Raph swallowed a rock. The jagged edges scraped the inside of his chest. Why did Shinigami get to do that? Why wasn’t Leo swinging his fist and jumping out of bed? Raph had been elbowed in the face for the crime of walking too closely behind Leo once and Shinigami gets to spoon him?

“He accepts that from her but not us?” Mikey whispered.

That’s what I’m saying, Raph thought, turning over so he didn’t have to look at Shinigami or Leo.

“There are things you accept from Leatherhead that you would never want from your brothers,” Donnie said.

“Yeah, but we cuddle,” Mikey said quietly. “We cuddled last night.”

Mikey had solid points. Donnie had shit points. They had piled around Donnie last night because he was having a goddamn panic attack and now he was insinuating that what they did was inappropriate. That was rich.

The only reason Raph didn’t point that out was because they needed to go to sleep and fights keep turtles awake.

“Leo might not feel the same way about it though,” Donnie whispered. “Some people don't like physical touch outside a few people they really like.”

“Well he's missing out,” Mikey muttered.

“Drop it, Mikey,” Raph grunted. “Just be glad Shinigami is one of the worthy people.”

None of what they were saying even made sense. Leo hated and liked to be touched? Why were there times when he acted like he was scared without them and other times when he was scared of them?

The water was deep. Raph went under. His spine hit the river bed, the current pushed him down. He twisted his body and breached the water. It was loud. So loud, and so hard to see with the rain and the mud and his whole entire body felt weighed down. Ice picks stabbed his ears, water shot up his snout.

Despite everything in him screaming that he needed to get out of the river; Raph knew he had to go further down and fast to find Leo.

He dipped back under the water and swam blind with the current. He kicked up off the bottom on the river bed and shot towards the surface.

That was the play, dive, swim, breach, and look.

Everything was moving so quickly. The trees were speeding by, the rocky steep banks were a blur of detail. Raph couldn’t see anyone. He had lost sight of Mikey and Donnie and if Leo was under the water then this was hopeless.

He went under again. He had a gut feeling that Leo was still ahead of him in the river.

“-Side! Right side!” Mikey was screaming when Raph broke through the water again.

Raph frantically looked down the river to the right and saw the emerald green flash of color before it went under again. Without a second thought Raph dove off in that direction.

Under the water his snout brushed against Leo. Raph overshot and came out of the water in front of Leo.

Leo’s right arm was hugged to his chest, his left beat on the water. Something about him looked off too, this wasn’t Leo.

This was a turtle child.

Raph fought the current to slow himself-

Then the child screamed. He saw Raph and he tilted away trying to swim up against the current.

“Wait-” Raph tried to call, but water flooded his mouth.

They didn’t have time for this. Raph lunged forward and grabbed the child’s left wrist in his jaw. The child screamed and kicked but Raph was determined. He wrapped his front paws around the small child turtle and kicked with his back legs towards the bank.

It seemed impossible to get out of the river. Raph ignored the struggle taking place in his front legs and desperately tried to find footing with his hind legs. Finally he drifted into a shallow enough area that he could spike his back paws into the gravel and rocks. Too bad the bank he had stopped near was way too steep to climb. There was a bit of an overhang.

At least the kid was no longer kicking him. He or she was pulling on the fur around Raph’s neck which hurt but it was a pin prick compared to everything else.

Raph caught his breath and tried to squint through the rain to see where Mikey and Donnie were. Was there another turtle or was this the one they saw before? It’s proportions were all wrong to be their Leo though. Now that Raph was hugging it and the kid had his legs and arms wrapped around him there was no mistaking this for anything but a child. Not enough muscle and he was too pudgy in places.

The kid in his front legs started to squirm up.

“No-” Raph began, until the kid latched on to a dangling root.

Raph lifted the kid higher until he was fully on the bank above them. He used his front paw to press the kid up the last few inches… and then he was gone.

Raph hadn’t known what he expected when he decided to help the kid escape him, but he figured that wasn’t Leo anyways.

The gravel under Raph’s feet started to shift. He skipped forward a bit before getting traction in the gravel again. He couldn’t stay here much longer and if Mikey and Donnie had continued down the river this whole time Raph was trying to save a random child, then there was no point in even trying to catch up.

Something wet and slimy smacked him across the face. Raph shook it away and looked at it.

A very thick root had flung off the bank directly on him. He picked it up with his teeth and tugged it.

It didn’t budge.

His feet slipped again and that solidified his decision. Gripping the root in his jaw he lifted his legs up and let the river push him down the bank and up against it. As Raph dug his paws into the side of the bank the root started to pull him too, inch by inch. It took a few minutes of straining and digging with his claws to finally pull his waterlogged body onto the bank.

Raph shook out his fur and shivered. His limbs were sore but he forced himself to follow the root.

On the other end of the root, deeper in the trees was the child struggling to untie it from around his shell. His arms cradled against his chest and his whole body shaking like a leaf. It was now that Raph was starting to think this was Leo. The scale color and shell pattern brought Raph back to memories of when they were young.

“Leo are you okay?” Raph trotted up to him.

Leo looked up and screamed at the top of his lungs. He scrambled to his feet, tripping several times before he got his footing and bolted. The root was still attached to him and bouncing through the mud behind him.

“Leo it's me, Raph!” he called, running after him.

The root snagged something and Leo fell over.

“No please!” Leo screamed, holding up his bloody left hand.

Raph froze at the sight of blood. The teeth marks on Leo’s wrists, the metallic taste in his own mouth. He hadn’t realized he had broken skin. “Wait no- Leo- I didn't-”

“He's bleeding!” Shinigami yelled.

Donnie threw his blankets off himself and rushed to the hospital bed. Mikey, (who had crawled onto Donnie’s cot with him), sat up and squinted against the harsh hospital lighting.

“We're still in the river, you can't wake us up!” Donnie yelled at Shinigami.

“His wrist is bleeding,” she hissed, holding a towel around Leo’s wrist.

Leo himself seemed completely unconcerned with everything. He was sitting up and taking deep breaths, his face calm.

The room was spinning for Raph. He had bit Leo, he had caused more damage. He couldn’t even save him right. Mikey came up behind him and put an arm around him. It steadied him a little. It kept him from running out of the room.

“How much blood?” Donnie demanded, taking Shinigami’s spot with the towel.

The nurse rolled a tray over with first aid supplies. “Not a lot,” he said. “Here, should I or-”

“I'll do it,” Donnie snapped at the nurse.

Shinigami stared at Donnie but stayed out of his way.

As the towel was removed Raph was swallowed by guilt. The injury looked so big on Leo. The puncture wounds were huge.

“You okay Leo?” Raph asked, coming up to the right side of the bed. Any words of apology were lodged in his throat. He didn’t want to be kicked out until he knew Leo was okay.

Leo flinched a little when Raph touched his shoulder, like he always did. “I can breathe,” he said, moving back after a split second. “It feels so nice to breathe.”

He took a deep inhale to show Raph.

“It feels so nice to breathe,” he whispered again.

“Who got you from the river Leo?” Donnie asked, cleaning Leo’s wrist. “Because Mikey and I are still in it.”

“I did,” Raph said.

“Where are you right now?” Mikey asked.

“With Leo, on land,” he said in a clipped tone. He did not want to elaborate about his findings. Not until he was really sure of what he saw.

Mikey sighed. “He must have hurt his hand in the river,” he said, sitting on the end of Leo’s bed.

Raph looked down and balled some of Leo’s blankets in his fists. “I bit him,” he said.

“Raph-” Donnie started.

“I didn't realize I had!” Raph yelled. “I didn't think my teeth were that sharp!”

Fuck! It sounded so goddamn dumb out loud but Donnie wasn’t there when Leo was swimming away. Raph was trying to keep him from drowning.

“You're a wolf!” Donnie said, pointing to the bite mark. “Look!”

Raph looked away from the dark red holes punched through Leo’s scales.

“Donnie,” Leo said. “If a bite is the price of breathing I will gladly pay. Thank you, Raph.”

“You're welcome Leo,” Raph said, still feeling like Donnie had a point. Raph was probably the worst one to be rescuing Leo anyways.

Even Leo’s calm voice couldn’t chase away the screaming from the Dream Realm. To see Leo in child form so scared made Raph sick to his stomach.

“And uh, you don't need to be so scared of me,” Raph added. “I won't do it again.”

“Wait he's still scared of you?” Mikey asked, his feet swinging back and forth over the edge of the bed. “But we told him we were wolves.”

Leo shook his head. “Before when I was coughing non stop, I was unable to have a full conversation with you three,” he explained. “Now that I can, I need you to know that I am not having dreams. If I am, I can't remember them. If you three look different than I do, then perhaps I don't have the same connection between worlds? I don’t know about a river, I don’t know about Raph biting me.”

Mikey frowned and twisted his body to look at Donnie. “Can Leo in the Dream Realm even understand us as wolves you think? Or will he not because he’s a turtle and we’re another animal?”

Donnie looked to Raph. “Did you talk to him?”

The issue was Raph did talk to Leo, but Leo was a little kid. Or at least he was physically in his child form. Maybe he was still seventeen year old Leo, but given the screaming and crying…

“He was scared,” Raph said, avoiding looking anyone in the eye. “I didn't talk enough to find out.”

They accepted that and Donnie finished wrapping Leo’s left wrist.

“Thank you, Donnie,” Leo said, he found the bed remote and put the bed in it’s propped up position.

“No problem,” Donnie said, putting the used first aid supplies on the tray for the nurse to take away.

“And thank you all for the past thirty six hours,” Leo said. “I know I haven’t been the easiest turtle to be around.”

“Can't help being hurt,” Mikey said.

Leo looked down at his hands. He would be embarrassed no matter what they said to him, that was just how Leo was.

“I know, but still thank you,” he repeated. “I do have a request. I never managed to eat yesterday and-”

“I'm on it. You want tamago kake gohan?” Mikey asked, hopping up from the bed. “I’ll make us all some!”

Leo nodded to himself. “That sounds wonderful,” he said, just as his stomach audibly growled.

Shinigami gave Mikey a curious look as he bolted out the room. “I guess I’ll be showing the little one where the kitchen is,” she said, leaving the hospital room.

Tamago kake gohan sounded good to Raph. It was simple comfort food, an egg stirred into hot rice with a little soy sauce. Leo ate it all the time as an easy breakfast. Raph liked it as long as he could add some cheese to his.

Donnie came around the other side of the bed and shooed Raph away. He stood where Raph was and began checking over Leo’s broken arm muttering something about x-rays and making sure everything was still set.

“Donnie, I'm okay. You did good,” Leo said as he took hold of Donnie’s hand. “You got me here. You relocated us believing our home was compromised. I am very proud of you.”

Donnie’s bottom lip quivered. “Okay,” he mouthed.

It was rare that Leo ever comforted them with more than just words. He would sometimes make exceptions for Donnie by touching his shoulder or holding his hand. Raph and Mikey were never extended anything past a verbal reassurance. Even if Leo was the one to wake Mikey from a nightmare he would do it from the door with a firm voice saying that everything was only a dream.

Still, seeing Donnie get that from Leo made Raph almost jealous. He didn’t need his older brother like that of course, but it would be nice sometimes.

“What do we know right now?” Leo asked. He looked worn down and broken but his voice was all business. “Where am I and Raph and where are you and Mikey?”

“We are on the bank but you’re scared of me,” Raph said, not sure why it felt like he was lying.

“Have I tried to fight you?” Leo asked, dead serious.

It took a considerable amount of effort for Raph to keep his face blank. “I don’t think you can. I am the size of a horse compared to you.”

“Do I have a weapon?” Leo asked, pulling his right hand out of Donnie’s to pull more of his blankets over his legs.

All Raph could remember was the damn look on Leo’s face in the Dream Realm. How he was so scared. Maybe it wasn’t Leo, real Leo would have fought him right? With how aggressive Leo can be when touched or attacked it would make sense.

Raph couldn’t recall when Leo started acting like that though. Before puberty, way before puberty. But if this was a child version of Leo maybe he hadn’t started being aggressive yet?

“No, uh you don’t have a weapon,” Raph said. “Unless you manage to find a good sized rock on the ground.”

Leo twisted his mouth up. “Well then, I’ll probably run,” he guessed.

Donnie stood up to get something and Raph tried to think of the best way to explain all this without saying the thing about Leo maybe being a child.

“You can’t run, you are caught on this root,” Raph explained, ignoring Leo’s perplexed expression. “See uh, after I accidentally bit ya, I got you on the bank and I was kinda screwed because I had no way of getting out… until you threw me a root to bite onto.”

Donnie shooed Raph away again so he could shake out a blanket before putting it around Leo. Raph ground his molars together, not liking how damn pushy Donnie got when things weren’t going exactly the way he wanted them to.

“Leo is scared of you but then he saved you?” Donnie asked as he closed the fresh hospital blanket up around Leo’s neck.

“When I got out of the river I followed the root. Leo had tied it around himself but when he saw my coming he stopped trying to untie it and ran,” Raph said, turning away from the bed. “And I ran after him. And he fell-”

-And he was a child is the thing and holy shit I can’t-

“-And that’s when I saw the blood, then we woke up,” Raph said.

“Okay,” Leo said slowly. “Is there any issue with letting me run free?”

“Yes!” Raph said, whipping his head back towards the bed. He spoke in a rushed way that made Donnie and Leo look at him funny. “You’re hurt,” Raph said, throwing the both of them a funnier look.

“But I’m seventeen,” Leo said, shoulders vibrating even with the blanket. “Now that I am out of the river, do I need your help?”

Shivering on the cold ground like a leaf. Naked, no clothes, bleeding. Was that how he really left Leo? Why was it taking every ounce of willpower to not reach out and grab his brother right now? Raph never had the urge to hug Leo, but the child image of Leo just wouldn’t go away. It was burned in his brain.

He hated it.

He used that hatred to stay far away. He used it to remind himself that he and Leo weren’t friends, or buddies. He was Leo’s least favorite brother. All this shit had happened so fast that Raph forgot how pissed he was supposed to be at Leo. The idea of him leaving after revealing the lessons Splinter left. Hell, the shit Leo overheard in the Mighty Mutanimal’s kitchen. Raph hadn’t been lectured over that yet and he knew it was coming.

“I think until we figure out why you are getting so hurt in the Dream Realm one of us needs to be nearby,” Donnie said.

Donnie was Leo’s favorite brother so Leo didn’t snap or give him a mean look. He bent to Donnie’s point.

“Well I am worried about hurting Raph,” Leo said.

“You don’t need to worry about that,” Raph muttered under his breath.

The idea of that tiny kid attacking him? Ha! Leo was like a weak little baby in the Dream Realm. A weak little defenseless baby.

Raph was deluding himself if he thought he could hold onto hatred for real Leo after seeing the child version like that.

“I think what Raph means to say is maybe there is a way for him to show you he’s friendly,” Donnie interjected before Leo could defend his honor.

“Like what?” Leo asked. “I can’t understand him in this Dream Realm.”

“An act of submission?” Donnie suggested, as if it was a completely rational option.

Raph froze. “Excuse me?”

Donnie waved his hand quickly. “Not that, I mean… show Leo your belly. Wag your tail. Do things a friendly dog does. Let Leo come to you,” he listed.

“And what?” Raph asked. “Die of embarrassment?”

“I don’t remember these dreams Raph,” Leo said, tugging the blanket around him tighter. “And Donnie and Mikey aren’t around apparently.”

“No,” Raph shook his head. “There has to be a better way.”

If either of them thought Raph was about to subject himself to that then they were batshit crazy. There was no way in a million years he would do that in front of Leo.

Donnie shook his head. It was too much to argue with Raph on this. “Where did Mikey go?” he asked, pivoting to a much better topic.

“Getting us food,” Raph said, pacing around a little to get the gross thought of rolling around in the dirt to get Leo’s trust out of his head.

“Have you seen Mikey eat since we got here?” Donnie asked.

Raph started to say yes, but had to stop himself short. Every time Mikey left to go take care of Klunk he would come back saying he got something to eat and he would bring Raph and Donnie something.

“He ate in the lab right before Leo’s arm exploded,” Raph said.

“But then…?” Donnie asked, his voice holding out hope.

No such luck. Raph hadn’t seen Mikey eat in person. At least they caught Mikey before he got himself hurt.

“Yeah,” Raph said, sighing.

He felt stupid. Mikey was kind of his little brother. The eating thing was Raph’s wheelhouse and Raph had ways of busting fasts and truncating binges that didn’t humiliate Mikey. Donnie was too fucking technical. He wanted a deeper answer as to how Mikey developed an eating disorder in the first place.

So Raph dealt with Mikey, and Leo dealt with Donnie’s crippling low self esteem. It was a jacked up deal, but it was all they had. Somehow they were doing a better job with each other’s issues than Splinter had with them.

“I’ll find a way to figure out what’s going on,” Raph said.

“We can leave it until morning, but might be better for you to deal with it. Let’s get everyone out of the river before we confront Mikey on his fast. It might be an anxiety thing. Once everyone is safe he might eat on his own,” Donnie suggested.

It was wishful thinking. Or at least Donnie said the wishful things out loud and kept the dark theories to himself.

Raph walked to the left side of the bed where he was less likely to be shooed away from. Despite the blankets Leo was still shivering and Raph started to rub his back without thinking.

Leo jerked away, like Raph had spit on him.

“Right,” Raph said, taking a step back.

What the hell was his problem? He knew Leo hated being touched without being the one to initiate. Why would he suddenly forget that shit? Leo had been like that for practically all of Raph’s life.

“Why is Mikey like that?” Raph asked, not wanting to draw attention to his slip up.

“I don’t know,” Donnie said, sitting down on his cot. “He says that’s not why he passed out, and he didn’t change his story when I forced him to stay in my lab.”

Raph nodded. He was lost on how to deal with this, he just knew how to convince Mikey to eat. He also knew not to help Mikey out of Doctor Donnie’s rules about passing out and being watched in the lab.

“Was it me?” Leo asked.

“What do you mean?” Donnie said.

“That night I… when I threw things out of the fridge, I stayed up in the dojo but I kept hearing someone go in and out of the kitchen,” Leo said.

That was also the night before they entered the Dream Realm. The night Raph couldn’t fall asleep. The night he saw Leo stumble up the stairs. Raph frowned harder. His skin felt itchy. He had pent up energy now and things he needed to think about alone.

“Yes, that might have been a binge,” Donnie said.

Leo nodded, looking down at his lap.

Raph would say something about how they’ve all yelled at Mikey or set off a binge before and that they need to learn that they can’t always walk on eggshells. The situation wasn’t like that though. Raph had held Mikey that night while he cried. Leo had upset him. Leo probably triggered a binge.

He kept his mouth shut. Even Raph wouldn’t kick Leo while he was down.

“I heard him in the kitchen a lot and that was the night I got mad about the cheese,” Leo whispered.

“Yes but the next night he ate at the Mighty Mutanimal’s base. Binges are followed by periods of no eating,” Donnie sighed, laying down on his cot.

“Or low eating,” Raph mumbled, walking over to the door.

He couldn’t stay here any longer.

“Right,” Donnie said. “Leo, I still don’t think he binged that night-”

Raph let the hospital room doors swing behind him, cutting off the rest of Donnie’s sentence. He found some sort of waiting room. The kind where one wall is glass and the other three have seats and end tables with fake plants.

It would work. Raph stood in the middle of the room restless.

.

.

.

When Donnie and Mikey finally came back inside the farmhouse Raph called down to them for help. Leo was not snapping out of his waking nightmare and Raph couldn’t dry off Leo if he was grabbing him.

But even after Mikey and Donnie got involved and they started drying Leo off he was still not registering their words of comfort.

“What’s wrong with him?” Raph asked, trying to get Leo to let go of his wrist so he could actually dry his hand.

“He’s delirious Raph,” Donnie said, threading a towel between Leo’s toes.

Leo needed to be completely dry before they got him in bed. Right now he was cold and wet.

“Where is he? Where is he?” Leo asked the ceiling. “Tell me where he is!”

“Shh bro, it’s okay,” Raph said, massaging Leo’s hand dry. “The Shredder is in the city.”

This is the twentieth time he has told Leo that The Shredder is nowhere near them.

Out in the hall footsteps thunder by.

“Mikey! April!” Donnie called. “How’s the bed looking?”

“Working on it!” April yelled.

Leo’s chest was rising and falling rapidly. He kept trying to pull his foot away from Donnie while also finding something to blindly grip on Raph. Leo hadn’t registered anybody but Raph as safe.

Raph cupped both sides of Leo’s neck with a towel. Leo grabbed Raph’s wrists but did not fight. He just held Raph’s wrists.

“You’re okay Leo,” Raph repeated like a broken record.

Leo finally looked at him, really looked at him.

“Panicking is normal,” Donnie said, drying Leo’s ankles.

Raph lifted Leo’s head off the floor and rubbed the towel over the back of his head before carefully drying the sides of his face. Leo stared at Raph the whole time, frozen with fear. Once his head was dry Raph draped one thickness of the towel over Leo’s face.

Raph hoped to block out the overwhelming world around Leo.

“Confusion is normal,” Donnie continued. “Sees he’s already-,” Donnie looked up spotting the towel over Leo’s face. “Breathing better…”

“Just seemed like the right thing to do,” Raph said, shrugging.

Leo was breathing slower, he wasn’t making weird noises, and he wasn’t talking about The Shredder.

“I-” Donnie faltered. “Yes, I guess it was. You have good instincts about this kind of thing.”

“I do?” Raph asked.

“Guys, bed is ready!” Mikey called from the bedroom.

“Okay!” Donnie yelled. He started to grab Leo’s legs. “You get his shoulders? I’ll get his knees?” he asked Raph.

Raph nodded and moved into position.

.

.

.

“Instincts,” Raph huffed.

What he had was two versions of a trembling Leo and they both were scared of him. They both flinched at him. Sure fine, Leo might be a kid and Raph might be a huge wolf. That’s reasonable.

Right now though Leo was a shivering brother he couldn’t even touch. Leo knew who Raph was. The most confusing thing about the whole Leo being a child in the Dream Realm is the child version of his brother is making more sense than the real one.

Raph sat down on one of the cushioned chairs.

He just needed to stop thinking up problems that weren’t there.

This time Raph could feel himself fall into the Dream Realm even before he opened his eyes. He could feel the rain and the wind against his matted fur. His ears twitched at the whimpering mere feet in front of him.

Raph opened his eyes and took a deep breath.

The child curled into a ball on the ground now had a bright white bandage around his wrist that he was confused by. The child, or Leo, or whoever this was kept looking at it while keeping his broken arm tight to his chest.

“Leo,” Raph said calmly, not moving an inch.

It didn’t matter that he was so still, Leo yelped and began struggling with the root wrapped around his torso.

Details jumped out and pierced Raph’s heart. The blood on the root from where Leo had tied it. Raph wondered how much pain Leo was in and how he managed to tie a root so tightly around himself with a broken arm and a ripped up wrist.

Leo squirmed and kicked on the ground in the throws of hysterical panic and Raph closed his eyes.

There was no such thing as humiliating himself in front of a crying child.

Raph laid on the cold dirty ground and rolled onto his back, he wagged his tail and panted. The rain did not feel good on his belly fur and his spine dug into the ground as he wriggled.

“Come on Leo,” Raph said. “I’m a friendly dog, look at me.”

And please, do not let Donnie and Mikey show up right now, he thought.

Leo stopped whimpering. “Oh,” he choked out. “You’re a nice doggy?”

Raph stopped wriggling at the sound of Leo’s voice, the way he spoke was childish. Leo wouldn’t call a dog anything but a dog.

Leo admitted a low whine when Raph paused.

Raph feared he had already fucked up but started wriggling and panting again. Leo was reading his body language and dogs don’t stop to wonder if the child they’re trying to trick is mentally a child.

That didn’t sound right though, Raph wasn’t trying to trick Leo. He would never hurt Leo, he just wished Leo could understand him.

“No, no, no!” Raph said, wriggling again. “I’m a good doggy!”

Oh that was a sentence he never wanted to say ever again.

The issue was they didn’t have time to just wriggle and whine. Real Leo might have kept his mouth shut but he was cold. Raph needed to get both himself and Leo somewhere dry. He had no idea how he would get Leo warm, he just had to focus on getting them out of this rain.

His view of Leo was upside down. The toddler wasn’t whining but he was wary of Raph, holding his limbs tightly to himself like they would be bitten clean off.

That gave Raph an idea. A gross and humiliating idea, but he had no other options.

Panting, and wagging his tail like mad, he wriggled and squirmed closer to Leo until the bottom of his foot pushed into Raph’s nose. Without thinking too hard about where Leo’s foot might have been he licked it. All his taste buds were perfectly functional and it was awful. The pebbly texture of scales, the dirt now on Raph’s long flat tongue.

“S-stop,” Leo giggled, pushing Raph’s snout away with his tiny hand.

Raph pushed into the hand and licked Leo’s palm.

“Okay-Okay!” Leo laughed. “I forgive you for biting me!”

“Really?” Raph asked, hoping Leo could actually hear him and was just shocked by a talking animal.

Leo retracted his little hand quickly, right back to being scared. Raph cursed to himself internally. Talking moved his mouth only a little but the sounds must be aggressive to Leo’s ears.

No talking, Raph thought to himself. Rule one, Leo can’t understand what I am saying and it might sound like I’m growling.

Thunder split the sky and Leo yelped out, shuffling himself closer to Raph’s head. Raph didn’t like the thunder either but it was more important to gain Leo’s trust. He took advantage of the sudden closeness to lick Leo’s face.

It was salty with snot and tears and Leo recoiled but he laughed a little and laughing was golden. If Leo was laughing he wasn’t scared. He might be nervous, but Raph was getting closer and closer to being seen as a good dog.

“Ew,” Leo said, trying to wipe his mouth off. “You’re slobbery.”

Yeah and you taste bad, Raph thought.

He took the risk and rolled over, but he kept his belly on the ground. Now that Leo’s limbs weren’t obstructing his view of what was going on with the root, Raph could see where the root had caught on the edges of Leo’s shell.

Raph pressed his nose against Leo’s chest then cleanly bit the roof off. When he raised his head Leo was looking down at the root curiously.

“Thanks doggy,” Leo said, getting to his trembling feet.

It took all of Raph’s willpower to stay on the ground where he wouldn’t scare Leo. He watched with a mixture of pain as the child version of his brother winced while clutching his broken right arm to his chest. The bandages were still there but they were soaked wet from the river. The fresher bandages on Leo’s right wrist were dry when they first came back to the Dream Realm but were now damp from the rain and smeared with mud.

Leo turned around several times shivering. “I don’t know where to go,” he warbled. He was a child lost in the grocery store. Everything was so big and he looked so small.

With no mask the rain kept getting into Leo’s eyes, making him blink and shake his head. Raph held his tongue and any urge to talk. He kept panting and hanging his tongue out because so far Leo took that as friendly.

And part of Raph really hoped maybe Leo would snap out of this and act seventeen again… not seven.

“I don’t know how I got here,” Leo continued, picking a direction to wander off in.

Raph stood up and followed. He made no effort to make his footfalls silent, (not that he was good at that in this body anyways), as he didn’t want to surprise Leo.

Leo caught on pretty quickly, turning around fast enough to stumble and fall on his butt. So much for not being startled.

This time Raph acted dumb. He panted and wagged his tail and didn’t move.

“I don’t have any food,” Leo said, getting to his feet again.

He was covered in mud and dirt. Bits of wet leaves clung to his ankles and knees.

Raph didn’t want food, and he didn’t know how to convey that. He took the stalling opportunity to look around. The rain was coming down extremely hard and it wasn’t easy to see very far.

A clicking noise made Raph look back at Leo. His teeth were chattering and his whole body was trembling, but this time it was from the piercing cold.

All of them had been caught in freezing rain before. Being a turtle in cold rain isn’t good, it makes their muscles ache and their bodies slow down.

Raph had to act now, he had to find a place for Leo or else he was going to wake up from here with his real Leo freezing to death.

Little Leo was so cold he didn’t notice Raph until he was right on him, nudging him to walk. Leo stumbled a bit but walked forward. Raph hated to be so aggressive with the little dude but they needed to get a move on and find cover. Leo’s stiff movements only made Raph more anxious.

It was so frustrating being stalled by something so tiny. Standing Leo couldn’t even look over Raph’s back. If Raph had the ability to walk on two legs he would just grab Leo and run in a direction for cover. He couldn’t balance like that though, his skeleton wasn’t going to suddenly adapt to that. He was tempted to grab Leo with his teeth again but he didn’t want to break skin like last time.

Raph had just gained Little Leo’s trust enough to nudge him places and that would have to be good enough for now.

But Raph silently noted that if Leo ever ties something around himself again Raph should try to use it to pull Leo around. A kid leash or whatever. On the flip side if Leo tried to put a leash on him in this place he might just bite him again.

So maybe no leashes. No need to open that can of worms.

Finally after nudging a clearly in shock toddler twenty yards Raph spotted a hollow log. It looked like that would have to work.

“Come on Leo, move your butt,” he muttered, using his skull to push against Leo’s tiny carapace.

It wasn’t right for Leo to be this fragile to Raph.

“Oh,” Leo said, finally seeing the same hollowed log Raph did.

Leo ran to the log stopping just inside it.

“Come on doggy!” Leo said. “I found us some cover!”

No, I found us cover, Raph thought irritably as he trotted over to the log he spotted way before Leo.

While Leo stood at the mouth oh the log holding his broken arm and shivering Raph did a perimeter check. It was standard whenever they were in the real world to check out a hide out thoroughly before taking a sigh of relief. The log was slightly bent. It was good because the middle of the log was higher and dry, but the ceiling was a bit lower. Raph had to duck his head, Leo would be fine as long as he didn’t suddenly jump.

For whatever reason Leo didn’t want to come much further into the log. He stood in the mouth looking out at the forest.

“I just wanna go home,” Leo whispered. “I don’t even know how I got here.”

Raph saw Leo’s shoulder’s shake. Leo gulped down air in painful sounding convulsions. It was the final straw. Raph wanted so badly to scoop Leo up and tell him his brother was right here and nothing bad was going to happen.

He couldn’t though. His words were growls to Leo and those scare him. Raph got in front of Leo and pushed him further into the log.

Leo obeyed, tears streaming down his face. Raph understood why Leo was crying. Hell, if a big dog did this to him when he was seven he’d piss his pants.

“Please don't hurt me,” Leo begged, standing still in the center of the log.

Raph laid down so he was on his side. His belly against the back of Leo’s calves. Raph watched as Leo registered the heat. He looked down at Raph on the ground and Raph looked up at Leo with his tongue lolling out of his mouth and his tail smacking the floor of the log.

It must have been enough for Leo. The turtle collapsed on his left side and buried his face into Raph’s ribs. Leo heaved and sobbed, the fist of his right hand balled up in Raph’s thick neck fur.

The lump in Raph's throat swelled up seven sizes and grew thorns. This couldn’t be anymore awful-

Leo started fucking chirping.

Little sharp high pitched noises. “EEEump, EEEEump.” Sometimes broken by a click.

They don’t chirp now. Chirping is what little hatchlings do when they feel threatened.

Leo was chirping for Splinter.

Ah jeez, Raph thought, turning his head to lick the top of Leo’s skull.

It wasn’t a thought out action. Raph hadn’t thought about licking Leo’s head, it just happened. Now that he was doing it though Leo was quieting down. He was still crying but there was no noise, just shivering. Raph kept slowly dragging his tongue over the top of Leo’s head.

Then Leo stopped moving entirely, and his eyes were closed.

Raph stared for a bit before resting his head on his crossed paws. He listened to rain and Leo’s rhythmic breathing and the world outside the log grew darker and darker until it was night and the rain petered away.

The hospital room was still and silent when Raph opened his eyes. Shinigami was asleep over in her recliner. Leo was still in his hospital bed. The room was dimly lit and the clock on the wall said it was ten in the morning.

Something prodded the side of his face twice.

“You awake?” Mikey whispered, a pop for every syllable.

“Yeah,” Raph grumbled.

Given how they had woken up the last three times he was enjoying this calm snap back to reality.

“Want breakfast?” Mikey asked, sitting up.

Raph sat up too. “Yeah let's go.”

C-Jones [Tuesday, 10:20:19 AM]

How are you guys?

Raph [Tuesday, 10:21:33 AM][sent] [seen]

Home isn't compromised but stay low in case okay?

C-Jones [Tuesday, 10:22:56 AM]

Right.

You going to be able to come over soon?

Or can we meet up?

Raph [Tuesday, 10:24:02 AM][sent] [seen]

It's not like I can just leave right now.

Is there a problem?

C-Jones [Tuesday, 10:24:58 AM]

No .

C-Jones [Tuesday, 10:27:40 AM]

I talked to the doctor today.

Raph [Tuesday, 10:27:43 AM][sent] [seen]

Fuck.

C-Jones [Tuesday, 10:28:09 AM]

Yeah.

Said I'll regret it you know?

Said we can talk about it at my next yearly visit.

Raph [Tuesday, 10:30:47 AM][sent] [seen]

Still get to be on T right?

C-Jones [Tuesday, 10:31:04 AM]

Had to twist his arm but yeah.

Raph [Tuesday, 10:31:23 AM][sent] [seen]

Okay.

I'll see when I can dip out.

C-Jones [Tuesday, 10:34:51 AM]

K.

“Everything okay?” Mikey asked.

They were tucked in the corner of this huge kitchen. Some chefs were cleaning up other areas but once they stopped gawking at the famous turtles they were happy to leave Raph and Mikey alone. Mikey already knew how to work the stove and where the pantry was so he decided to make an easy to eat breakfast of stove top oatmeal.

Steam rose from the pot and collected on the metal hood above the stove. It smelled sweet and savory with cream and brown sugar. A very homely meal cooked in such a sterile looking environment. The silver worktop Raph was leaning on felt medical like Leo’s hospital room.

“Just Casey,” Raph said, slipping his phone away. “He's worried for us.”

And I’m worried for him, Raph thought.

He should have been there for him. They both knew there was a chance the doctor would deny him top surgery.

Stupid fucking humans.

Mikey nodded, stirring the oatmeal by dragging the stirring spoon around.

“You talk to Leatherhead recently?” Raph asked.

“No.”

Raph chewed on that. He didn’t want to tell Mikey how to handle this. Mikey was a big kid. He could figure his own shit out.

He might need a nudge in the right direction though.

“If I was to take the Party Wagon to see Casey, would you want me to take you to the Mighty Mutanimal’s base?” Raph asked.

Mikey shrugged.

It was not like Mikey to just shrug when he could have asked why Raph wanted to visit Casey.

“What are you gonna put in your oatmeal?” Raph asked, pushing the sterile counter away and heading to the pantry. “Bet this place is loaded with toppings.”

The pantry was indeed a mother load of dried fruits, nuts, and other oatmeal worthy toppings.

“I'm not very hungry,” Mikey said.

“Dried blueberries then!” Raph said, snatching the resealable bag up.

As Raph brought the toppings over, (some thinly sliced almonds for himself and the blueberries for Mikey), his brother looked over with no interest.

“How can I eat when all this stuff with Leo is going on?” he asked as Raph found two ceramic bowls.

“Leo is safe,” Raph said, taking a ladle from one of the many drawers and dishing the both of them up a steaming bowl of oatmeal. “Nothing is hurting him again in the Dream Realm. We’re past the worst of it.”

They stood with their backs to the stove and their bowls cradled in their hands. Raph didn’t eat until Mikey took his first bite. He let his shoulders drop in relief.

“We can eat here,” Raph talked around a piping hot spoonful of breakfast. “Then bring Donnie and Leo breakfast in bed. Then we can go take care of Klunk and Chompy.”

Mikey nodded, more focused on his oatmeal than what Raph was saying.

In their shared room Mikey sat on the bed brushing Klunk.

“Who’s a good girl?” Mikey asked in a babying tone while brushing her whiskers.

Klunk sat up in front of Mikey pushing her head into the brush. Purring so loud she sounded like a small motor.

“You spoil that cat,” Raph said, placing Chompy’s food bowl full of grubs down in his fresh bedding.

“You just gave Chompy a bubble bath in the sink,” Mikey said.

Raph took Chompy off his shoulder and nuzzled him. “Because he deserves it,” he cooed at the alien tortoise.

The way he talked to Chompy was way more dignified than the way Mikey talked to Klunk. Mikey treated Klunk like his baby. He even had a cat sling that he would wear so he could carry her around like an infant.

Chompy was much more dignified. He was only carried on Raph’s shoulder.

“I was thinking about how Karai each gave us a room,” Mikey said, pinching hair from the cat brush while he talked. “I think I might put Klunk in her own room you know?” he said, while Klunk tapped him with her paw confused as to why he stopped brushing her. “Would you like that sweetie? Would you?”

Raph rolled his eyes.

Spoiled rotten that cat.

Really Raph was secretly very happy Mikey had a pet cat. There was a period of a few months where they had this mutant ice cream cat living with them. Mikey liked her and called her Ice Cream Kitty. She lived in the freezer and Splinter put up with her.

Then one day she just wasn’t around anymore, and Mikey stayed in his room for days. They assumed she had ran away. The Lair wasn’t liquid sealed and the mutant cat could slip under doors.

When Splinter died they all were a wreck, but about one month after his passing Mikey snuck a cat into The Lair and kept it in his room. They found out of course. Cats meow, and turtles have a good sense of smell, and the cat turds in the garbage can was a pretty clear sign.

Mikey had feared they wouldn’t allow him a cat. It was a stupid fear because even if Leo had raised a stink, Donnie and Raph were all for it.

Leo had no issues with the cat. His issue was the litter box being in Mikey’s room. He forced Mikey to put the litter box in the laundry room closet. That forced Donnie to install a cat flap on the closet door. Then it forced all of them to cat proof the rest of The Lair so this cat Mikey snuck in wasn’t confined to a small bedroom.

The cat was old. A gray tabby cat named Canker that took the stairs one step at a time and slept most of the day and night. Mikey loved Canker with all his heart but love doesn’t make an old cat young. Canker looked like he had served in a war. His tail was bent. He had an under bite that made his two bottom teeth stick out from his lips. One of his eyes was always half closed and full of cataracts. He hissed at everyone but Mikey and peed on Leo’s bed once.

Canker died in his sleep under Mikey’s bed after one month.

So they had done all that cat proofing only for that old cat to kick the bucket and take Mikey’s heart with him. With dad dead, and then the cat dying two months later… It was really bad for Mikey. He slept a lot more and barely got out of bed. He lost weight, he lost interest in everything.

Raph didn’t believe in higher power, but someone was on Mikey’s side because fate just dropped the perfect cat in their laps. Casey’s neighbor was fostering a kitten in his tiny apartment. The issue was that the cat was a Maine Coon. They’re big cats and need a lot of space. The kitten would need a home that was big.

The Lair was huge.

It just worked out perfectly. Mikey immediately took to the long haired orange cat. He named her Klunk and immediately started doting on her. Nothing was too good for his fur covered baby.

“Sure, why the hell not,” Raph said, lowering Chompy into his tank. “I don't think we'll be here much longer though.”

Raph wanted to get back home where things were familiar.

When Raph and Mikey got back from taking care of their pets they found Leo was up and walking around. He was like a caged animal. He paced the room while Raph explained what happened in the Dream Realm. Raph left out all the details of Leo being a child which meant Raph couldn’t say too much about what he and Leo were last doing.

Raph also didn’t want to fess up about comfort licking Leo’s skull.

“Leo fell asleep in the Dream Realm?” Donnie asked, picking out a stupid detail. “How is that possible?”

“I could have been meditating,” Leo suggested.

No way Leo was meditating. He was dead asleep with his face buried in Raph’s fur.

“I know the difference,” Raph said. “You’re asleep.”

Honestly he didn’t give a rat’s ass if Leo believed him or not.

“I'm just glad one of us has a visual on Leo,” Donnie cut in. The tone of his voice and the look he gave Raph said he wanted this subject dropped.

“Are you and Mikey together?” he asked Donnie, happy to change the subject.

“Yeah but we didn't find a convenient cover,” Mikey said. “We were caught out in the rain. Still were when we all woke up.”

“Next time we are in the Dream Realm we'll both follow the river upstream,” Donnie said. “So just stay put with him if you can.”

“Okay, but be careful will ya?” Raph said, feeling really nervous all the sudden. “Leo is skittish okay?” he said when they gave him weird looks. “So don't run up being all you.”

It might be better if Donnie and Mikey stayed away now that Raph thought about it. He felt like he had an understanding with Little Leo and didn’t want to mess with that.

“Uh dude, I think it'll be fine?” Mikey said.

“Just, warn them if I get a weapon,” Leo said.

Your only weapon is violent sobbing, Raph thought

“We'll be careful,” Donnie said. “Last thing we want is more injuries.”

Shinigami hummed in agreement, walking over to Leo and patting his back.

“Your dream self needs to be more careful,” she said, almost teasing.

Raph braced for Leo to yell at her but instead he pouted.

“Glad we have a plan,” he said, giving a Shinigami a frown before walking to the door. Shinigami followed him, smirking.

“Where are you going?” Donnie asked, clearly he wanted Leo to get back in bed.

“To talk to Karai,” Leo called over his shoulder. “And then to take a shower.”

They sat in the silence of the hospital room for a second.

“I know he said we have a plan,” Mikey started. “But after we all meet up… like then what?”

Raph shrugged. “I don’t know. What I do know is I haven’t taken a shower in three days.”

Mikey and Donnie could be shocked that Leo was already pushing them away. Raph wasn’t going to stick around and wallow in it.

He was used to Leo acting like this.

.

.

.

Raph tried to leave it alone, but a couple days later when Leo was fully awake from his coma he had to ask. He knew it would piss Leo off to suggest anything else but the things Leo had cried about in the bathroom a few days ago had stuck with him.

He found Leo sitting next to the fireplace that night. A throw blanket over his legs and a mug of tea in his hands. He was staring at the fire deep and thought. So far away that when Raph sat in the chair across from Leo he didn’t notice.

“Hey, can we talk?” Raph asked.

If he could wait he would. It was just earlier that day that they told Leo that Splinter might not have made it. Leo was being quiet about it. He needed time to process.

Leo nodded.

“When you woke up, in the tub,” Raph said slowly, his mouth strangely dry. “It was The Shredder hurting you, right?”

Leo glared at Raph. “What?”

“You were screaming, telling me to keep you away from him. I just wanted to make sure it was The Shredder and not someone else-”

“Of course it was The Shredder,” Leo sneered, suddenly breathless. “Who else would it be? Look Raph I don’t want to talk about it, and I’d appreciate being left alone right now.”

“I’m just trying to help ya,” Raph snapped.

“Well I don’t need your help Raph, now leave me alone,” Leo said, turning away in his seat.

Raph stood up and stormed out of the study. After all he had done for Leo that was the reaction he got to a simple question?

Well fuck him too.

.

.

.

Yeah, Raph thought as he reached the elevator. I learned my lesson about chasing after Leo just to get my head bit off.

He jabbed the residential floor button and leaned up against the back wall and pushed away the strange sense that something about all this just wasn’t adding up.

Chapter Text

Okay, Leo had lied just a little.

He wasn’t going to visit Karai.

See Leo had woken up with a strange feeling all over his body. It was like the phantom sensation of fur that immediately made him think of Master Splinter. Only instead of fear grabbing him and sucking him under, the fur made him feel safe. It had the same effect as a safety blanket or being sandwiched between Karai and Shini after an upsetting therapy session.

Loved.

“Karai’s room is the other way,” Shini said, catching up to him.

“I am going to my room, there is something I need to look at,” Leo said, entering the elevator and pressing the residential floor button.

Shini stood next to him, holding his elbow like they were an elderly couple about to board a bus.

He would have told her he was fine alone but where he was going it might help to have a friend in the room.

They walked down the hall and turned some heads. Again Leo’s notoriety preceded him and word of his medical emergency had spread around the compound. Leo made a note to check his mailbox alone, not wanting his brothers to see all the get well cards.

Leo walked to his desk, an act that would normally make him happy. His desk was filled with art supplies that were constantly resupplied. When his prismacolors got short and too nubby for even a pencil extender, a brand new tin of one hundred and forty colors would appear. Karai claimed Leo must be forgetting what supplies he has, but he knew.

He knew what she was doing.

He had several sketchbooks filled with heavy paper. He had gray paper and tan paper and black paper. He had watercolor paper and mixed media paper. When he told Karai of his hobby she ordered everything he could have ever thought to want and then things he didn’t know existed.

But the first thing Leo did when he was given this room was move his old sketchbooks in. The composition journals with thin paper all warped and bent from all the crayola markers he applied. Where ink had bled through and destroyed pages underneath it. Leo’s very first sketchbook was a battered up diary with missing pages and a half torn cover.

Leo pulled that out and began searching. Shini stood over his shoulder.

“What are you looking for?” she asked.

“I wasn’t allowed to journal about what I did with Master Splinter,” Leo explained, “But I was able to draw about it as long as I told my brothers I just made up what I put in my drawings.”

Sadly this sketchbook was filled with pipes and rats and bugs. Sometimes the crude recreation of a cartoon character or brother would crop up but most of it reflected only what Leo had experienced.

The sewers.

He put that one to the side.

“You found a way to cope,” Shini said.

Leo didn’t know what to say to that. He was nervous about what he would find in these old sketchbooks. He hadn’t looked at them in a long time, maybe not since he had drawn in them. He went through two more books filled with crude sewer drawing before the fourth oldest one changed. It changed so much that Leo suspected he had lost a book in between them. His lines weren’t wobbly and there was the acknowledgement of highlights and shadows.

“Wow,” Shini said. “How old were you when you drew these?”

“Ten, or eleven,” Leo said, running his hands over the pages.

He had drawn a house on a golden hill with a stone path in crayon. It was faded now but Leo remembered tirelessly layering wax until his hand cramped.

The next page held a black and dark smeared portrait of another mutant.

.

.

.

“Why can’t Raph, Mikey, and Donnie come with us?” Leo asked.

He was told to remain quiet, the surface was full of monsters, and his heart already ached to be back with his siblings. They were still asleep and didn’t know Leo and Master Splinter were gone yet.

Master Splinter was writing with chalk on a nondescript brick wall. He was drawing a doorway with strange symbols.

“This is a big step for your training, Leonardo,” he said, stepping back from the drawn doorway.

It glowed and hummed before the middle became swirly and blue. Leo stepped back scared of the nose and strange surface but Master Splinter seized him tightly by the wrist and walked through.

Leo whimpered but on the other side of the doorway warm dry air hit his skin. It felt much better than the dark and dingy alleyway. Master Splinter began walking again and pulling Leo along with him. Leo struggled to keep up and open his eyes all the way. It was so bright here.

“Where are we?” Leo asked.

“Another dimension, one day I will teach you how to make these dimensional doorways,” Master Splinter said.

As they walked Leo’s eyes adjusted. He started looking around. It was like they were in a documentary on the nature channel. There were so many trees here and he craned his neck behind him to see they left a stone looking altar. It was an empty door frame of stacked boulders with mazes of strange symbols. As they were walking on a dirt path Leo’s mind spun. There were so many questions they all got stuck in his mouth. Leo adjusted the strap of his backpack and as they made it too a much wider dirt path.

The trees stopped here like they couldn’t cross the road but they tilted forward and down giving the road plenty of shade. On the other side of the road there were rolling hills with golden hair wisping in the wind.

Leo pointed across the street as they walked. “Wha’s that?” he asked.

“A wheat field,” Master Splinter said.

“Can we get closer?” Leo asked hopefully.

Master Splinter shook his head. “No, but the house we are going to looks after that field and I am sure their son wouldn’t mind showing you around.”

Leo’s jaw dropped. “Is he my age?”

“He’s thirteen, and also a Destined Student,” Master Splinter said.

Leo’s heart raced. Another Destined Student? Was he a turtle? Would he like Leo? Thirteen was much much much older than eleven. He would probably think Leo was a baby. Leo again was vibrating with questions. To his shame his worries about his siblings were pushed to the side in light of this new information.

The road became steeper and Leo’s legs were burning by the time they reached the top of the hill. His backpack didn’t have much in it but of course had his sketchbook and box of crayons. He would need to draw everything he saw and show his brothers.

Leo’s fantasies were crushed when the door of the house opened and a donkey appeared.  His muzzle was long and his ears were floppy. Leo yelped and hid behind Master Splinter.

“Splinter,” the donkey man said in a jovial tone, stepping out of his house to shake Master Splinter’s hand. “And this must be Leonardo,” he said, looking over Master Splinter’s shoulder and down at Leo with a very cruel grin.

Leo stepped back a bit, only to feel his shell hit another creature.

The other boy was just as startled, stepping back and looking at Leo like he was an alien.

“Hokolesqua! Give the boy some space!” the donkey said.

“Sorry Master Moacir,” the smaller white and grey speckled donkey said, kicking the ground. “Why don’t he wear clothes?”

Leo blushed. He looked down at himself then at Hokolesqua and wondered why he was the only one naked. Master Moacir was wearing a pair of pants and an unbuttoned shirt. Master Splinter had his kimono. And this other child was wearing overalls.

“We’ll get our guest some clothes to wear,” Master Moacir said, looking at Leo. “Where they come from, kids run around naked.”

Master Splinter nodded. “Come, Leonardo. Let us get you some clothes and then you and Hokolesqua can get acquainted before tonight.”

Hokolesqua stood up straighter. “Oh,” he said. “I’ll show him to my room then!”

Leo looked up to Master Splinter for approval. When his father nodded Leo followed the donkey into the house and into his bedroom.

There Hokolesqua helped Leo put on a long sleeved button up shirt and overalls that were a bit baggy. He showed Leo where he could put his backpack and then they were left to stare awkwardly at each other.

“Can I touch your hair?” Leo blurted out.

Hokolesqua shrugged. “Sure,” he said, leaning down to let Leo pet his neck.

Leo had never pet a donkey. He laughed a little.

“You’re soft,” he said.

“You’re cold and bumpy,” Hokolesqua said.

Leo shrunk down, that didn’t sound like good things.

“Wanna go play?” Hokolesqua asked. “You play chase?”

“What’s chase?” Leo asked.

Hokolesqua gave Leo a toothy smile. Donkeys have square looking teeth.

“I’ll ask if we can go play chase in the wheat field,” Hokolesqua said, running out of the room.

Leo followed eagerly because he wanted to get closer to the wheat field.

Their Masters allowed them to go play but they had to be back before sunset. Before they left Hokolesqua crouched down next to the home’s fire pit and grabbed something. He put it in his pocket before running out of the house with Leo on his hooves.

Chase turned out to just be tag, which was fine with Leo because tag was a game he was good at. They played tag until they were both worn out and the sky was going orange. Leo had enjoyed running through the wheat field. It wasn’t as soft as he had imagined but it was okay. He would try to pick some to take home.

After they got all dirty outside they had to wash up. Leo was left alone in Hokolesqua’s bedroom so he wormed his sketchbook out and got his crayons and began work on his next masterpiece to show his brothers when he got home.

When Hokolesqua came back from his bath he saw what Leo was doing.

“Hey! You draw too?” he asked, sitting down next to Leo.

Leo closed his sketchbook self consciously, not liking when anyone tried to look at his art. His brothers tended to poach his artbook asking for his prettiest drawings to hang on their bedroom walls and Leo could never deny them.

“Wanna trade?” Hokolesqua asked, getting a piece of paper from his shelf of toys. “You draw something for me and I’ll draw in your book?”

Leo looked unsure. But he didn’t want to offend Hokolesqua so he nodded, handing over his sketchbook and crayons to the donkey.

Hokolesqua shook his head. “I don’t need no pigment stick,” he said, digging around in the front pocket of his overalls. “I got this.”

Leo shrugged, he didn’t know what Hokolesqua was gonna do with burnt wood.

.

.

.

“Leo? Are you still with me?” Shini asked.

She was no longer standing over him. She had brought over another chair to sit right next to him and rub his shell.

He guessed maybe he had zoned out.

“Yeah,” Leo said.

“Is this someone real?” she asked, pointing to the charcoal portrait Hokolesqua had drawn of himself.

Leo nodded.

“A friend?” she asked. “You let them draw in your book.”

Leo shook his head, he felt numb to this. “Was a friend,” he said coldly. “He raped me later that night. I didn’t want to be his friend after that.”

“That’s awful-” Shini started. “Leo that’s-, how old were you?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Leo said, closing the book and pushing in away.

Hokolesqua’s fur was not the one he woke up with today. Leo thought he maybe had dreamed of the other child and not remembered. None of this fit. Where else would he have gotten the memory of fur on his skin, so soft and safe.

“I’m taking a shower,” Leo said, standing up.

“You want me to wait out here for you?” Shini asked.

Leo stopped in the doorway to the bathroom. “No, I just- I want to be alone,” he said, his voice cracking.

He stepped in the bathroom and closed the door. He cranked the shower on and knelt down in front of the toilet and started gagging.

Leo spent a long time in the shower just trying to wash that memory away. He gargled shower water and spit it in the drain until the taste of acid was gone.

Keno had told Leo that he should not feel guilty about needing to lay down or set aside some time to take care of himself. That wasn’t an option. It was never an option. Leo was the head of the house. There were always things to do and threats to take care of.

Just like now Leo had to juggle the Dream Beavers, the Ethereal Being, and his not even drafted therapy letter. He had to do all of it without showing his brother’s there was something wrong.

Something like how he just remembered who Hokolesqua was.

Again, that felt far away. It felt like something he couldn’t really grasp right now, but it was coming. It stood menacingly on top of a golden hill that Leo couldn’t climb right now.

“It’s just about making big things into little things,” Leo reminded himself.

The Dream Beavers had to fall on his brother’s shoulders. There wasn’t anything Leo could do about a realm he couldn’t remember. The Ethereal Being was on the back burner. Maybe Karai was still gathering information? He could ask Shini, but he had the feeling there were no updates because it hadn’t been spotted since the rooftop pool party.

That just left the letter; with a broken arm and bit up wrist would be painstaking.

Leo sighed and began gingerly peeling back his bed covers. His head hurt so bad and his stomach was inching up his throat again.

He was almost done arranging all his pillows in a nest when his T-Phone started to ring. He half considered ignoring it for the sweet release of bed but his brothers were probably expecting him back in his hospital room.
“Hello?” Leo answered, his voice just not into it.

“Where are you?” Raph asked.

“Just got done taking my shower,” he said. “What's going on?”

“Family meeting,” Raph said.

Leo felt even more defeated at those words. He didn’t have the energy to do another meeting or plan. He wanted to crawl in bed, bite his pillow, and scream.

“We already had one,” Leo said, putting his covers back because there was no point. He might as well head back to the hospital room.

“You had one,” Raph clarified. “But Mikey and I are leaving and if you want me to bring anything back from The Lair come to our room.”

Leo closed his eyes. He had pushed too hard and now his brothers were mistaking his need to be alone as wanting them gone.

“What is your room number?” he asked.

The family meeting was more of a ploy to get Leo to come to their room to be checked over. Donnie hurried Leo over to their desk chair and had Metalhead take his blood pressure and pulse.

“Okay open your mouth,” Donnie said, armed with a tongue suppressor and penlight. “Really inflamed,” he commented.

“I barfed this morning,” Leo said, once Donnie was done prodding him.

He hated being surrounded like this and was immediately relieved when Metalhead was done taking his blood pressure. Under the chair Klunk came out to weave around his legs and begged for pets he couldn’t give her until he was unhanded.

Her fur on his legs was too soft to be what his dream was about.

He did like how Klunk would kill rats and keep their home vermin free. She was a very good guardian.

“Do you need something to settle your stomach?” Donnie asked.

“No,” Leo said.

He just wanted to sleep.

“Okay, we're going,” Raph said, getting off the bed as soon as Mikey got done in the bathroom.

The words Leo wanted to use to tell his brothers he wasn’t pushing him away just weren’t coming out. He could order them to stay as leader, but this wasn’t a mission. It was family.

“Bye guys, take care of Klunk,” Mikey said, looking at Leo with some worry.

“I’m taking Chompy with me,” Raph said, pointing to the alien tortoise on his shoulder.

Donnie nodded. “When will you guys be back?” he asked, tossing the tongue suppressor away.

“Before midnight.” Raph said, slamming the door behind him.

Leo wondered what was making Raph so mad. He leaned down to stroke Klunk, her big bushy orange tail swiped over his face.

“I think something is going on with Casey,” Donnie said, resting his hand on Leo’s shoulder.

Leo shifted away, not the time for shoulder touches. Not while he felt sticky with that memory of Hokolesqua. He stopped petting Klunk too. Both furs were too familiar to each other.

“How's April?” Leo asked.

If Mikey and Raph were leaving to see their beloved partners, Leo saw no reason for Donnie to not tag along. Donnie was crazy about April. It was just awkward given the past outburst. She didn’t come to The Lair as much as she requested Donnie meet up with her somewhere.

“She is considerably more patient than Casey,” Donnie said, writing down all of the readings he got off Leo.

“You don't want to visit her?” Leo asked.

Give me a chance to lay in bed undisturbed.

Donnie shook his head. “I want to be near you,” he said, looking back at Leo. “Your wounds always get infected, I don't want these doctors missing it.”

Leo frowned. “Infections?” he asked.

Infections were really rare in his injuries. He couldn’t remember ever having a cut infected.

“Yes. That's why you always needed ointments,” Donnie said, giving Leo a curious look. “And Master Splinter said they would take a lot out of you.”

It clicked and made him feel like barfing again. The infections Master Splinter took care of were ones around his cloaca. Leo realized now that how inflamed he would get down there was a sign that Master Splinter was doing something unnatural with his body.

Indeed Leo would feel very miserable and weak. Master Splinter never allowed him to see his brothers when he was dealing with that. It would only take one curious pull of the covers to reveal the truth.

“Right,” Leo said, swallowing the saliva flooding his mouth.

“Are you okay?” Donnie asked.

“No,” Leo said. He was cold all over and too exposed. He might as well be sitting here with an infected cloaca. He could feel the itchiness. “What else did he tell you about my infections?”

“Just that,” Donnie said. He was starting to sound concerned. “I was scolded the one time I tried to slip in your room and see.”

I wish you had.

“Are you cold?” Donnie asked, looking around for a blanket and pulling a folded up throw blanket off the end of the bed.

“No,” Leo said, vibrating for another reason.

Anger maybe? Master Splinter yelled at Donnie for being worried about him? Of course he did, it was all Master Splinter’s fault in the first place. And even though Leo kept getting infections and rashes he kept doing it.

Donnie draped the blanket around him anyways. “Do you want something to calm down? A pill? Your file says you have a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication-”

“I take that for panic attacks,” Leo said.

This wasn’t a panic attack, it was just facts. Another piece of new information to torture him at night.

“I could go get that for you- oh. Do you want some tea?” he asked instead.

Donnie was determined to find Leo a cure. The only cure was maybe talking to Keno but Leo didn’t feel bold enough to ask for another spontaneous counseling session.

“Yes,” Leo said, tapping his first finger and thumbs together under his blanket. Sometimes it helped, sometimes nothing ever helped.

“Where do we get tea?” Donnie asked. “The cafeteria?”

“I have tea in my room,” Leo said, getting up.

“Okay,” Donnie said, putting his arm around Leo’s back for support.

Leo had intended to get the tea and then come back here but that was a lot of double backing just to keep his own room a secret. They walked down Hallway A and into the next one Hallway B where Leo was.

If Donnie had any thoughts about how lived in Leo’s room looked he kept them in his head. He sat down on the bench at the foot of Leo’s bed and bounced his knee while Leo made them tea.

He filled the kettle with water from his filtered pitcher and turned it on. While he waited for the water to boil he got his medication out of his nightstand drawer and set it on the table. He didn’t need it yet but he wanted it close just in case.

“I wish I had thought to ask Raph to bring Master Splinter's tea from home,” Donnie said, as Leo was about to pour the hot water over the infusers.

Leo set the kettle down forcefully, splashing a little water on his hands.

“No, never bring that here,” he growled at Donnie, swiping hot water off his hand like a mere annoyance.

“Nothing would happen to it,” Donnie said.

“He made me drink it, now it's his turn. The tea goes on the altar,” he said more forcefully.

Donnie didn’t move a muscle. He stared back at Leo with no emotion.

Leo turned back to their tea cups now processing what he had said. Not that he thought that Master Splinter was actually drinking the tea in death, but something about the tea systematically evaporating away every day felt more final than dumping it in the trash.

“The tea stays home,” Donnie said calmly. “I was just trying to offer you something familiar.”

A pang of guilt struck Leo. The fear of the tea leaving the lair had been irrational. Raph and Mikey had already left and there was no reason for them to suddenly mess with Master Splinter’s tea. The tea that is part of a ritual Leo didn’t know he had a reason for until just now.

He took the infusers out and set them on a saucer. Still good for a couple more cups each if they wanted to have them.

“Thank you,” Donnie said, taking his tea.

“You're welcome,” Leo said, sitting down on the bench next to him and letting the calming scent of vanilla honey chamomile take him away.

Donnie blew on his tea for a bit before taking a sip. His bouncing knee was making the bench vibrate.

“At the risk of you kicking me out and never speaking to me again…,” Donnie began. “Overall, I am glad he's dead.”

Leo didn’t move a muscle. There was no reaction he could fake to hide the indifference he felt.

“He was mean to Raph, Mikey, and I,” Donnie continued. “Really mean. And the rules he had were particularly suffocating for us.”

He added the last part like Leo didn’t have rules imposed on him that were also suffocating. Something salty came up the back of his throat and fur filled his nostrils until he couldn't breathe.

“You think I didn't know?” Leo asked.

“You've never said anything.”

“I didn't think I needed to,” Leo said darkly. “I thought it was obvious when I got rid of the Hashi as a form of punishment since it was only used on Raph and never did anything good for his anger issues. I thought it was clear when I let Mikey keep Canker and then have Klunk. I thought you would have noticed that I stopped making you train even after a sleepless night. What did you think? He died and I changed all the rules because I was what? Bored?”

Donnie’s face lit up with realization. “Thank you for working with my insomnia,” he said sheepishly.

Leo nodded. Donnie did better in the Dojo when he wasn’t struggling to keep his eyes open. It was just common sense to change those rules.

The conversation could have dropped there but Donnie’s knee was still bouncing and Leo knew this wouldn’t end so easily.

“What did you mean when he said he made you drink it?” Donnie asked.

Leo could just feel himself shutting down. That question was dangerous and he wanted Donnie to leave it alone.

“Did he pressure you emotionally?” Donnie asked. “Or did he physically force it on you?”

Donnie edged closer and Leo tensed. The answer was all of the above and he didn’t have the guts to say it.

“What was in it?” Donnie asked, pivoting away from how it got in Leo.

Maybe he was growing suspicious. Maybe Leo was okay with that.

“I don't know,” Leo said truthfully.

“What did it do?” Donnie asked.

The tea paralyzed him and depending on what else was in it made him ready for Master Splinter. Leo hated both. They weren’t used together often, but when they were it was particularly awful. A throbbing headache and dry mouth in the morning. The teasing from Master Splinter that if he hadn’t wanted it his body wouldn’t have reacted in such a way.

It left him completely aware of everything the bonding- no, the molestation involved.

There were things Master Splinter had given him that made him high.

A chill ran over Leo’s body.

“Would hallucinogens alter my brain long term?” Leo asked.

Perhaps there is a reason I can’t connect to the Dream Realm, he thought morbidly.

“Is that what the tea is?” Donnie asked, stopping his knee with his hand.

“No, the tea just helped me.... relax,” Leo said, because relax wasn’t a word that would set Donnie off. “There was something stronger that he had me take a few times- that-” Leo struggled to say.

That would make me a compliant zombie.

.

.

.

After that night Leo wanted nothing more than to go home. He flat out refused to sleep in Hokolesqua’s room. He was very upset that Master Splinter had made him do that with the other boy.

Eventually Leo settled down and fell asleep in Master Splinter’s bed.

Leo’s rebellion and constant nagging for home eventually pissed off Master Moacir. Leo was also extremely hostile towards Hokolesqua who had continued to deny what had happened that first night.

But Leo remembered and he was still sore sitting down. It had hurt as bad as when he would do that bonding with Master Splinter but Master Splinter had coaxing words and used slippery balms. It made things easier. Hokolesqua had been silent and rough.

“I have to speak with Moacir privately,” Master Splinter said, leading Leo out of the house and over to the fire pit. “Stay here.”

“I want to go home-”

“Leonardo,” Master Splinter said sternly, pushing Leo back onto the stone bench enough that it hurt his sore tush.

Leo pulled himself into his shell, lost his balance on the bench and fell onto the gravel ground on his back. He didn’t care that it looked weird to do when wearing clothes. His shell was safe.

Master Splinter let out a heavy sigh before picking him up, turning him over, and setting him on the bench.

He still left Leo there on the bench and Leo hated it. He just wanted to go home and be with his brothers. His brothers would never do what Hokolesqua did.

Eventually his shell became cramped and he had to come out. He did so slowly so he could snake his limbs back through his pant legs and shirt sleeves. Clothes were very annoying and restrictive. Leo was very glad he lived in a world where he didn’t have to wear clothing.

When he was fully out he shivered, wiping snot on the back of his sleeve. Okay, the shirt sleeve was kind of good for that.

What he didn’t like seeing was Hokolesqua out in the wheat field playing.

Leo looked at the door of the stupid house before defiantly getting up to tell Hokolesqua that he was still mad at him and didn’t want to be here anymore.

The white and gray donkey barely looked up from where he was playing with some marbles on the ground.

“Master Moacir is gonna kick you two out,” Hokolesqua said. “You’ll have to stay at an Inn in town until you can go back to where you used to be.”

“Well that sounds better than here with you,” Leo shot back rudely.

“Uh huh,” Hokolesqua said.

“I told you to stop,” Leo said miserably. “I thought you were nice.”

Hokolesqua kept using his hooves to dig a trail for his marbles. “I didn’t mean to. I don’t remember it. Can we play marbles now? I’ve never had a friend. Master Moacir said if we get along you can come visit every time you come from your world.”

Why would Leo want to do that? He stormed away from Hokolesqua and back up towards the house.

Later that night Master Moacir took them into town on a wagon pulled by a leathery six legged horse. They were being asked to stay somewhere else since Leo wasn’t willing to act politely towards Hokolesqua and therefore neither Destined Students could advance to the next step. Leo didn’t know the boy was serious about them being kicked out, but Master Splinter didn’t speak to Leo as they packed.

“How much longer will we be staying here?” Leo asked, while Master Splinter checked them in.

“Not much longer,” Master Splinter said. “It is clear I have pushed you too far too fast. Hokolesqua was very nice to show what he did the other night and I am ashamed at how you lashed out at him.”

Leo shrunk down. “It hurt though,” he said.

“You were not relaxing. I was there, I saw. I was reluctant to give you the enhancing aid that Moacir gives Hokolesqua. I thought you wouldn’t need it,” Master Splinter said, tugging Leo down the hall to their room. “I was wrong.”

“I’m sorry!” Leo cried. “I’m sorry! I could do better next time!”

“There is no next time. We can only come here at certain times. Until it is time to leave you are to stay in this room,” Master Splinter said, forcefully nudging Leo through the door. “We will find a fitting correction to your attitude when we are home.”

Leo hiccuped and sobbed, but nodded. Without being told he put himself in the corner of the room.

.

.

.

“What was it?” Donnie pressed.

Leo shook himself from the memory. Staring at the corner of his own room in deep thought. Why was he so pliable then? Why was he sorry for being upset that he was raped? How could Master Splinter make him think that was in any way his fault?

“I don’t know,” Leo said. “It would make me sick the next day and it was a little piece of plant he had me chew on.”

Leo knew this but the first time he had it was fuzzy still. It was bitter and earthy.

Donnie pinched his brows together but didn’t say anything.

“Do you think something like that could be why I am not able to connect to the Dream Realm?” Leo asked, eyes still drawn to the corner.

Almost like he could see himself, curled into the corner sobbing.

“Well, the last time the Dream Beavers attacked you had no issues being just as affected as we were,” Donnie said. “Had you taken the drug between then and now?”

“Yes,” Leo said, every trip to the other worlds was spent in that chewable delirium. “But I also had it before then.”

Donnie nodded, his posture uncomfortable now. “How young were you?” he asked.

“Eleven.”

Donnie let out a shaky sigh and rubbed his eyes.

“Is that bad?” Leo asked, his heart beating a little faster.

He always wondered if something Master Splinter did to him would have long term consequences past the depression and PTSD. What if he had developmental issues too?

“If you remember what he called it, please tell me, I can research it,” Donnie said, taking his hand away from his eyes to look at Leo seriously. “Right now I am hoping it wasn’t LSD.”

“I don’t know, he never told me a name but he called it cactus once,” Leo said.

“That could be slang for it,” Donnie said.

Leo nodded. This was several levels of messed up. It was all so much to process it was just refusing to soak in. It sat on his chest and made him numb. LSD? He didn’t even know what LSD really was.

“And, out of morbid curiosity, is there any of this cactus in the lair?” Donnie asked.

“No, not that I know of.”

Donnie’s shoulders dropped. “Okay, good.”

Leo tried not to take offense. Did Donnie think he would take it if there was some in their home?

“And he forced you to take that too?” Donnie asked.

“I did what I was told,” Leo said quietly.

Probably should have stopped and questioned things way sooner.

“Children can’t consent to taking drugs Leo,” Donnie said.

They can at least say no, Leo thought. I never even said no.

“Were you drawing?” Donnie asked, gesturing to Leo's disheveled desk.

Leo shook his head. “No, I can’t until my arms heel. I can’t even write and I need to write something.”

“You could type it?” Donnie asked.

“I’ll be pecking the keyboard for hours,” Leo said.

The letter would be painful enough without having to search for every single key.

“I could type it for you,” Donnie suggested.

Well that would be one way to break the news, Leo thought morbidly.

“It’s personal,” Leo said.

“Metalhead could do it,” Donnie said, trying again to solve this.

Leo held up his hand, the one not strapped to his chest. “I think there are publicly available computers here, I can use those.”

“Okay,” Donnie said, shrinking away.

Leo gently took Donnie’s empty teacup and took it to the bathroom to eventually be rinsed out.

Donnie must have taken this as Leo ending their visit because he stood up and got closer to the door.

“You aren’t leaving right?” Donnie asked. “It’s not a goodbye letter right?”

“No,” Leo said, not sure where Donnie would get that idea. “Why would I be leaving?”

“Mikey said that after you give us the lessons from Master Splinter you might be leaving," Donnie said nervously. "I don’t want you to leave. I know this last year has been rough but we always make it work.”

Leo was surprised Mikey had already told them. Then again the three of them talked more often. Of course if Leo was going to leave there would be no question as to why. It never crossed his mind that such a possibility would require another letter.

It just felt like the most likely outcome was him being shunned from the family.

Which, with Donnie knowing about the tea and the drugs maybe it would be better to get this out now. Explain exactly what the tea does and why. He almost did it but that fear of being told he was making it up came back. What evidence did he have?

Wasn’t their family going through enough right now?

“Nothing is set in stone,” Leo said. “But it might be unavoidable.”

“If you told Raph and Mikey about the tea and this other drug, they would understand why you don’t want to visit Master Splinter’s grave,” Donnie said.

That was a solution Leo might consider if he needed more time to write the letter. And at this rate he would need a lot more time with the letter and for this Dream Realm nonsense to be over with.

Donnie tapped his fingers together. “We could try to figure out what Master Splinter was giving you,” he said, gesturing to the door. “I just need to go get my laptop.”

Leo nodded. That would at least be something to focus on.

It was a surprisingly nice compromise. Leo got to lay in bed in a pile of covers while Donnie laid on top of the covers next to him. The room was cozy. Leo felt much safer talking about the teas and drugs when he was under piles of blankets. Something about being covered gave him security. It also helped that Donnie was asking things very gently.

They settled on the mystery drug most likely being peyote. It was a plant that was highly hallucinogenic and while Donnie looked concerned he didn’t freak out. He went a little silent but that was quickly covered up with questions about the effects.

Leo felt himself getting tired but fought off sleep. He was enjoying Donnie being with him and he feared if he fell asleep he would leave.

And Leo really didn’t have the guts to ask him to stay while he took a nap. It sounded needy but he had already pushed Shini away and Karai was still in recovery.

“It’s getting late and you should eat,” Donnie said. “Neither of us had lunch even.”

Leo wasn’t hungry at all. He was tired and finally feeling not as sick. And these moments were rare because who knew what would happen after he told them about Master Splinter.

But Donnie was hungry, and Leo knew this place better. He spent so much time in it.

“We can get something in the cafeteria and bring it back here,” he said. “If we eat down there the foot soldiers will try to get your autograph.”

“It’s okay,” Donnie said. “I’ve already signed several laptops.”

They got up and Donnie set his laptop off to the side, he did not pack it away in his bag. Maybe that was a sign that Donnie wanted to hang out tonight.

Leo hoped so. He kind of liked the no touching but still in the area hanging out they were doing.

“It’s weird,” Donnie said. “Being liked by Foot Soldiers.”

“Yeah,” Leo agreed.

As they entered the hallway Leo felt considerably less safe. The air was cold and he would stubbornly blame his vibrating bones on that.

“I don’t mean to say Master Splinter was an awful dad,” Donnie said. “Just that he left something to be desired in a parental figure.”

Leo nodded. “I know.”

“Flawed,” Donnie said, tapping his chin. “I would say he’s flawed. The tea is troubling and well the other thing-” he lowered his voice as a Foot Soldier wearing civilian clothing walked by, “-he made you chew. That’s- That’s abuse,” he stuttered.

Leo knew what Donnie was doing. Leo had been there. It’s where you try to do the math. How many times was Master Splinter a good parent, and do those moments make up for the areas where he was bad?

“The Hashi was abuse,” Donnie said. “A punishment like that was never going to work on any of us. Especially Raph. He would just keep balancing. It was maddening to watch.”

This conversation was making Leo sick. His mind fogged in a lot of memories of Raph balancing on a board and forced to twist and keep his body in unnatural and very often demeaning poses.

Ones made particularly graphic by the lack of clothes. Hopefully Raph never noticed what was going on there.

Master Splinter did love them naked.

“Donnie-,” Leo started with no idea how to end. “You don’t need to explain.”

“I feel like I do because Master Splinter forced you to take drugs and I’m not trying to say I hate him for it but,” Donnie massaged his temples. “It’s confusing. It’s frustrating that I can’t ask him about it. That I can’t know his side. Not that I don’t believe you, Leo,” he quickly amended.

Something must have shown on Leo’s face. He did his best to rid himself of it.

“I just- If there was a reason. A good reason. An ancient reason then I’d be more open to thinking Master Splinter is anachronistic rather than blatantly abusive,” Donnie said.

It hit Leo like a ton of bricks that maybe Master Splinter did believe that Leo was his Destined Student. Yes, it was all a cover for the sexual abuse but what if Master Splinter hadn’t seen it that way? Was it possible that Master Splinter was as much of a victim in all this as Leo was?

“Hey, I was just about to get you,” Shini said, walking down the hall towards Leo and Donnie. She was wearing clothes that suggested she was about to go somewhere and needed to look like a normal resident of New York City. Skinny jeans and a spaghetti strap black shirt. Her makeup was as loud and bold as ever though, and it made her face comforting to see.

“We’re heading to the cafeteria for dinner,” Donnie said, putting himself a bit between Shini and Leo.

Leo composed himself and looked up at Shini. She looked a bit annoyed by what Donnie was doing.

“Karai has turned back into her human form,” Shini said, looking past Donnie and at Leo. “We thought we would celebrate her reintroduction to the world of legs and one head with Chinese take out. She wanted you to be included in that dinner.”

Leo discreetly tilted his towards Donnie. “Donnie hasn’t eaten either,” he said.

Shini glared.

Leo stared back impassively. He knew what she was doing, giving him a possible out but with Mikey and Raph gone it didn’t seem right to ditch Donnie. Also it would be horrible to leave Donnie alone right after learning about the peyote.

No, Leo had already looked at the situation from several angles. Donnie would be next to him until they split into their separate rooms for sleeping.

“Fine, I am going to go get it,” Shini said. “Karai is in our wing upstairs.”

“Thanks Shini,” Leo said as she walked them to the elevator.

Donnie seemed to loosen up, realizing he wasn’t going to lose Leo. “Yes, thank you, Shini,” he said, awkwardly.

Karai and Shini shared a wing of the compound. It mimicked a small studio apartment with one bedroom obviously shared by the two girls. There was a full kitchen and bath. A large living room with very comfortable leather recliners and an even softer and deeper leather couch.

When they had entered the wing Leo immediately went over to Karai. She was bundled up on the couch under several blankets. She had no make-up, and dark bags under her eyes.

She looked like someone who should still be in the hospital, but Leo supposed he did too.

“Karai,” Leo said, sitting on his legs in front of the couch.

“Hey,” Karai said, snaking a hand out of the covers to touch his face. “Shini told me.”

Leo squeezed his eyes shut.

“Keno can see you at eleven tomorrow morning-”

“You- you didn’t need to do that,” Leo said, a knot forming in his throat. “I’m fine, I’m really fine.”

He had to be fine. Donnie was standing right there. It wasn’t like he could crawl under the blankets with Karai and cry about Hokolesqua or Moacir or the peyote and the teas and the guilt. All the guilt. It was eating him. It was burning his chest.

“Liar,” Karai said softly.

Leo nodded and pressed his face into the side of the couch. “Thank you for the blood,” he said, reaching up to take her hand and squeeze. “Never ever do it again.”

“I would promise you but that would make me a liar too,” she mused, squeezing his hand back. “How are you Donatello?”

“Fine,” Donnie said stiffly.

Karai huffed. “Well don’t stand there like an idiot. Sit down, we have a lot to talk about.”

Leo started to pull away but she tightened her grip on his hand. He quickly bent to her will and sat more comfortably on the floor keeping his face buried in the side of the cushion.

“We do?” Donnie said, the leather squeaking against his shell as he tried to climb in the huge chair without looking stupid. “About what?”

“Is your home safe?” Karai asked. “Or do you need some of my Foot Soldiers to clear it with you?”

“Uh, I can have Metalhead scout ahead but I am ninety nine percent certain our home was never compromised to begin with,” Donnie explained. “But uh, this Dream Realm is a real threat. As long as we can get seriously injured, I hope you wouldn’t mind us staying here.”

“I was going to recommend that you four staying here would be the best for a while,” Karai said. “Cut down on the stress for our family.”

“Yes,” Donnie said sharply.

They never really liked it when Karai called herself family. She was Master Splinter’s child by blood, but they were his children by trial. Leo couldn’t imagine The Shredder was a great parent, but he never abused Karai the way Master Splinter had abused them.

Admittedly Leo thought she would stop flaunting her biological status once she knew the truth. He even asked her about it once. She said she owned it. She owned that she was the daughter of a child rapist and she would never let herself forget that there was evil in her blood.

And she would never let Leo or Shini convince her that she isn’t tainted by what Master Splinter did in his life.

The way her hand was squeezing his whispered that everything was okay. She would use her trump cards to keep him here in the compound where it was safe. His brothers didn’t need to know that the thing she was keeping him safe from wasn’t the Dream Realm and getting hurt.

It was the spiral.

Where new memories rose and made The Lair the worst place to be.

“Can I use your bathroom?” Donnie asked suddenly.

“Yes,” Karai said, pointing over the couch towards her bedroom. “It’s in there.”

“Alright,” Donnie said, hurrying off to the restroom.

Leo brought his head up to look at Karai. “I’m fine, you don’t have to make Keno come here just for me-”

“Keno will already be here because he works here,” Karai said. “It’s his job and that’s why I pay him.”

Leo bit the inside of his cheek trying to fight tears. Talking to Keno so soon after remembering? He wasn’t strong enough. He shook his head. He needed to talk to Keno but the idea of opening the wound further was terrifying.

“There is a drawing of your rapist in your sketchbook,” Karai said.

“He’s not a rapist, he was a child too,” Leo said, eyes burning. “And I think he was given peyote so it’s not really his fault.”

Karai closed her eyes for a long second. “That’s hardly the point and you know it. Talk to Keno.”

“I can’t,” Leo choked, the lump in his throat so big it hurt.

“Would you like it if I went with you?” Karai asked.

Leo shook his head. “You need your rest,” he argued. “And I need to work on my letter.”

“I will be feeling much better tomorrow. The day after transforming back to human is always rough-”

“And you gave me all that blood,” Leo scolded. “You didn’t need to give me six bags!”

“I wanted some banked for another emergency,” Karai said, giving him a stern look. “For myself, so don’t go poking your own bones through your skin anytime soon.”

Leo shook his head.

“I’ll go with you, then we can outline the letter with Keno, come back here, and I’ll type it up for you,” Karai said.

“I-”

“It’s not a suggestion. It’s the plan and you’ll feel a lot better by this time tomorrow,” Karai said.

As much as Leo wanted to argue, the flushing toilet warned him that Donnie would be back any moment.

Karai sat up, grimacing as her recently torn apart and reformed body flared up in pain. Leo helped her sit up on the couch and get her heating pad behind her back. She patted the cushion next to her and Leo sat down letting her put her blanket over both their legs before leaning her head on his shoulder.

When Donnie got back it hopefully looked like they had just been watching TV.

.

.

.

It had been two days at the Inn. Leo hadn’t been allowed to leave the room and while they ate pretty well yesterday, today for breakfast they’d only had toast.

“Dad?” Leo asked, daring to interrupt Master Splinter while he was meditating.

“What,” he said sharply.

Leo shrunk down. “I’m hungry,” he whispered, holding his tummy.

Master Splinter sighed deeply before getting up. He went to the dresser and opened a small fabric pouch.

“No lunch today,” Master Splinter said, stirring the coins in the pouch with his finger. “We need our very little money to last us the next three days or else we will have nowhere to sleep.”

“But I feel sick,” Leo said, tears forming in his eyes.

Master Splinter gave him a cold look. “You have only yourself to blame. You were a very rude guest.”

Leo trembled; he felt so bad. They were now starving and it was all his fault. He wanted to go home so bad he thought that was where they’d go if Moacir kicked them out. He just wanted his algae and worms. He just wanted to see his brothers.

“Do you feel bad about how you treated Hokolesqua?” Master Splinter asked.

Leo nodded, looking down at the floor. Fiddling nervously with the sleeves of his shirt.

“Do you understand that if we had guests that treated you so badly that I would have to ask them to leave?” Master Splinter said, every word piercing Leo like a knife. “Moacir was only doing what was best for Hokolesqua. Just as I want the best for you. Do you understand?”

Leo nodded.

“Say it!” Master Splinter barked.

“I understand!” Leo squeaked.

Master Splinter hummed, not sounding convinced. “Do you want to apologize to Hokolesqua?” he asked.

Leo nodded, tears streaming down his face.

“Use your words Leonardo,” Master Splinter warned.

“I do,” Leo cried. “I want to apologize to him.”

Master Splinter got on his knees and opened his arms for Leo to come hug him. After days of not being touched Leo lunged at his father and buried his face in his chest.

“Good boy,” Master Splinter said softly, stroking the back of Leo’s head, running his hands down his shell and over his tail as he picked him up.

Leo clung to Master Splinter as he stood. He heard his father get something out of their bag.

“Here, I want you to chew this,” Master Splinter said, handing Leo an off-white bumpy pill.

Leo rolled it between his fingers. “Gum?” he asked. Gum was a sweet treat!

Master Splinter nodded. “A type of gum, from a cactus” he said, as Leo popped it into his mouth. “It will get rid of your hunger until we get to Moacir’s place. Do not swallow it.”

Leo nodded but as he chewed the bitter gross flavor came through. He twisted up his face and chewed slower. “It tastes bad,” he complained.

“You’ll be thankful for it soon,” Master Splinter said, sitting Leo down on the bed.

Leo really wanted to spit the gum out, but it was helping him not feel so hungry. So he kept chewing while Master Splinter packed their things.

.

.

.

The Chinese takeout was good but Karai was quickly growing tired. Maybe even drooling on Leo’s shoulder a bit. Donnie had been very quiet during dinner. Not speaking a word since getting up to use the bathroom. He spent most of dinner on his phone texting with a pinched expression.

“Okay,” Shini said, once it was going on nine at night. “I need to get Karai to bed which means you two need to get out.”

Leo nudged Karai off his shoulder. She was too tired to wake up all the way. “Goodnight,” he whispered to her.

“Goodnight,” Donnie said to Karai and Shini. “Thanks for letting me be a fourth wheel.”

“Hmm,” Shini said, ushering them to the door. “Yes, goodnight. Sleep well. We’ll talk in the morning.”

Leo threw Shini a thankful look. Letting Donnie tag along had made things so much easier.

But it had also shown Donnie a side of them that he hadn’t seen before.

“You and Karai aren’t a thing, are you?” Donnie asked on their way back to the residential floor.

Leo debated not saying anything, but honestly he was tired of the jokes and assumptions.

“We’re not a thing,” he said.

“Because Karai and Shini are a thing?” Donnie guessed.

Leo nodded. “They’re life partners.”

“And do you fit anywhere in that equation?” Donnie asked.

“What do you mean?” Leo asked. “They’re a couple, Donnie.”

Donnie nodded quickly. “Sometimes people have more than two in a couple, if you catch my drift.”

Leo’s eyes widened. “No, no, I’m- their like-”

My parents, or my older sisters, he thought. All that would sound weird to Donnie.

Yes he loved Karai and Shini, and they loved him. Just not the way they probably loved each other. Leo couldn’t love anyone like that. He couldn’t have sex and he hated being touched. And who would want him after how used he was?

“I’m just their friend,” he sighed, punching in the code to his room and letting Donnie in. “Can we drop it. I’ve told you guys I’m not with Karai before, I don’t dare hope you’ll start believing me now.”

Donnie stepped in the room and began packing up his laptop, his hands shaking.

Leo wondered why his hands were shaking, and why he kept looking behind his shoulder at Leo’s desk as he packed. Leo took that as a note to put his sketchbooks away and lock the drawer while Donnie stumbled getting his charger out of the wall.

“Raph and Mikey won’t be back until tomorrow sometime,” Donnie said.

“Is everything okay?” Leo asked, debating whether he had the energy to call Raph and demand he come back to the compound where it was safe.

When Leo could, he liked to allow Raph the time to decompress. It seemed like Raph really needed to see Casey.

“Yeah, yeah, uh something is going on with Casey,” Donnie said, “And Mikey is okay staying with Leatherhead tonight, but since Raph is his ride will be staying there until- until tomorrow-”

“Donnie,” Leo said quietly. “What’s going on?”

Donnie turned around looking pale. “I don’t want to sleep alone. I don’t like this place, it's not home and Raph and Mikey have been letting me sleep with them and I know you aren’t touchy but I am- that’s all we had Leo. You and Master Splinter would leave for weeks at a time and it was scary-”

Leo was struck by how fast Donnie was falling. From being a steady reasonable voice to now basically in tears at the idea of being alone.

“We could share my bed,” Leo said.

He wasn’t so sure they could touch, but if Donnie could stay on his side he would be okay maybe. Afterall, Donnie’s abandonment issues were Leo’s fault. He wouldn’t sleep knowing Donnie was alone in his room on the edge of panic.

Donnie nodded. “Thank you,” he said. “I have to take care of Klunk for Mikey but then I’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” Leo said, as Donnie rushed out the door.

It took Leo a long time to fall asleep. He wasn’t used to sharing his bed with anyone but maybe Karai or Shini. But they knew about him. They knew what he was, what he had been through.

Leo couldn’t help but lay there on his side of the bed wondering if Donnie would feel betrayed once he learned about Master Splinter.

Another part of him was so raw about Hokolesqua and Moacir and the drugs that he was desperate for a hug or to be held. The only people who really touched him these days were Karai and Shini. He always shrugged off his brothers. He couldn’t run to them now needing help.

He would just have to suck it up.

But Donnie was right there, and he was asleep. Leo was listening to his breathing. It didn’t break rhythm once. No one can fake sleep that well… and Donnie’s hand was on top of the covers, loosely open.

It would be so easy to just hold Donnie’s hand, he might not even wake up.

In a moment of weakness Leo gently put his hand under Donnie’s. He stayed still and listened to Donnie’s breathing until he was sure it was safe to shift a bit closer on his pillows. Inch by inch he was able to keep his slinged arm comfortable and hold Donnie’s hand.

Sleep came quickly after that.

.

.

.

When Master Splinter and Leo returned to Moacir’s the gum had taken full effect and he was allowed to spit it out. Leo felt lighter and calmer. He was amazed by simple things and felt like he was floating above himself.

Of course Master Moacir wanted to talk to Leo in private. The old donkey had Leo come into his bedroom and sit on his lap. His hooved hands pulled and pinched at Leo’s tail. Leo didn’t mind this because he didn’t really feel all that present in his body while Moacir stroked him.

“Looks like you have no problems with me,” Master Moacir whispered into Leo’s skull, helping him tuck his penis away.

Leo couldn’t say anything. Words were hard to make. He was vaguely aware that only Master Splinter was supposed to touch him like this and make his tail feel happy.

Master Moacir turned Leo over and began touching him between his legs. Poking his fingers in.

What happened next hurt but his body couldn’t scream or make a sound. Tears bled into the covers. His hips felt like they were being torn apart. Leo was confused about where he was and how he got there.

The last coherent thought was that at least Master Moacir was nice enough to use those slippery balms.

Chapter Text

So sex wasn’t nearly as scary as he thought it would be!

In fact this sex thing was pretty nice once he and Leatherhead got past showing each other the goods. It wasn’t magical or anything, but it felt good and they both had fun and Mikey felt good about himself even if he thought he was a little softer than his brothers. Not that he was fat-fat… but he had padding on his muscles. Thankfully none of those thoughts got in the way during his time with Leatherhead. He leaned back against his boyfriend, unable to hide how happy he was.

The huge snoring alligator curled around him seemed pretty happy too.

All in all Mikey felt good and giddy all at once. No longer a virgin, finally he had taken a very huge step forward with his boyfriend.

Despite this he couldn’t sleep.

Maybe it was guilt because Donnie was at the headquarters alone and he wasn’t doing too hot. Or maybe it was the fact that Master Splinter was rolling around in his grave because Mikey didn’t wait until he was eighteen to go tail to tail with Leatherhead.

No, what was he kidding. Master Splinter was still disappointed he was gay.

He turned and nuzzled his face into Leatherhead’s chest. He didn’t want to think about all that stuff.

Leatherhead purred and tugged Mikey closer. Their nest of pillows and blankets made Mikey ache for sleep but he just refused to nod off.

The feeling of being sopping wet hit first. Mikey shook his body trying to rid his fur of some of the moisture but it was hopeless. What he really needed was some direct sunlight and a good strong wind to blow the river water and rain out of his fur.

“Mikey!” Donnie scolded, front leg held up as he tried to block some of the spray.

Mikey dipped his head and tilted his ears down. “Sorry,” he said nervously.

Kind of sucked that even as a wolf Donnie was taller, giving him a better angle to glare at Mikey from. Not cool at all.

Good thing Mikey brought news of something that Donnie would be happy to hear.

Mikey raised his head, a grin on his muzzle that wrapped around to the back of his head. “Leatherhead and I had-”

“You and Raph need to come back to the compound as soon as we wake up,” Donnie said, pawing water off his face. “There have been some disturbing developments.”

Mikey’s smile dropped like a stone. “About why we are in the Dream Realm?” he asked.

“No,” Donnie said, continuing to walk up river and beckoning Mikey to follow him with a sharp jerk of his head. “About Leo and Master Splinter, but first I need to ask you if Master Splinter ever made you eat or drink something you didn’t want to.”

“Like when he made us eat all our vegetables?” Mikey asked.

He could feel his brain shutting off and his feet going stiff. An intrusive sound starts in the back of his head.

A blender whirling.

He didn’t know she had blood under all that ice cream.

“No,” Donnie shook his head frustrated. “I am not at liberty to discuss this, but at the same time I have to. What we all thought about Master Splinter and Leo isn’t true.”

“What do you mean?” Mikey asked.

Like, could Donnie be any more vague? Mikey thought, a bit annoyed.

He said sorry to the Ice Cream Kitty that lives in his head and pushed down the horrible memory of her death. There is a pressure building behind his eyes and when he gets back to Karai’s Industrial Ninja Factory he plans to snuggle Klunk for hours.

“That offering Leo is so particular about,” Donnie said, his voice heavy with regret. “It’s about control. It’s about reconciling with the past. Master Splinter forced him to drink that special tea-”

“The stuff way up high in the decorative tin that we’re not allowed to touch?” Mikey asked. “The stuff Leo takes to the altar every night?”

“Yes,” Donnie said. “Master Splinter forced it on him, the effect was unpleasant.”

Mikey nodded, but he wasn’t clear. “Forced how?” he asked. “And how unpleasant?”

“Leo wouldn’t say, but whether it was Master Splinter physically overpowering him or using emotional manipulation, it was still force and it was still abuse,” Donnie said, picking up the pace to a trot.

“Oh…” Mikey said. “Do you think it was a punishment of some kind?”

Not that Mikey would know anything about that.

A sick feeling kept creeping over him.

“I- this is so difficult,” Donnie sighed. “I can’t talk behind Leo’s back about this. I don’t know what’s going on exactly but the way Leo talked about Master Splinter… it’s not with love in his voice you know?”

“It’s not?” Mikey asked, trying to keep up with Donnie’s long wolf legs. “But he goes mad when he can’t do his offering.”

“The offering is more of a compulsion. Sometimes people get it in their head that if they do something, then something else will or will not happen,” Donnie said.

Immediately one very obvious example of that came up for Mikey. It was why he dreaded getting caught in a binge. Donnie would sit with him and make sure he didn’t puke it up which sucked. 

“Giving Master Splinter the tea that he forced Leo to drink might be the only healthy way Leo can get rid of it,” Donnie said. “There are a lot of psychological issues at play here. And I really can’t tell you this without really abusing Leo’s trust but-”

Donnie paused to look around. They had to stray from the river to walk around a big fallen tree.

“I ended up joining Shini, Karai, and Leo for dinner last night since you two were gone and well also because Leo and I had finished having a little bonding time-”

Mikey’s ears went straight up. “Bonding time?” he asked, a bit hurt.

“He laid in bed and I sat up in bed next to him and we went over what kind of effects this drug Master Splinter forced on him had,” Donnie said dismissively. “We narrowed it down to peyote based on what Master Splinter called it and-”

“You got to be right next to him?” Mikey asked, a strange emotion building in his chest.

Sure Leo gave Donnie more verbal reassurances than them.... But Mikey thought he was the one that got the rare moments of contact.

Donnie scowled. “Mikey that’s hardly the point.”

Mikey lowered his head. “Right,” he said, with barely any voice.

Donnie’s expression immediately softened and he nudged against Mikey as they walked. “Today it was me, tomorrow it will be you.”

Mikey wasn’t so sure about that.

“He hates us,” he said, unable to hold back the awful thoughts forming in his head. “He hates being near us, he’s-”

“-Been really abused,” Donnie interrupted. “And if what I overheard while Karai and Leo thought I was in the bathroom then…” Donnie shook his head gravely. “Mikey, if Master Splinter really covered up what I think he did, I refuse to forgive him. I have to do some digging before I try to confront Leo about it.”

“Donnie you gotta either pull me in the loop or stop talking,” Mikey said, hurt and irritation weaved into his voice. “What’s going on?”

“When was the last time you looked at Leo’s sketchbooks?” Donnie asked.

Mikey thought about it. “It’s been a while. He moved them from his room after dad died.”

He didn’t know where, just that when he asked to look at them Leo would say they weren’t at The Lair anymore.

“Dammit,” Donnie cursed.

“I could ask to see them when I get back?” Mikey suggested, but he really wished Donnie would just tell him what’s going on.

“Yes, do that, and take a picture of anything you find suspicious,” Donnie said.

It made it very clear to Mikey that Donnie had never seen Leo’s sketchbooks. They were just little illustrations between large pieces.

Oh, and there was a lot of Space Heroes fan art.

“Suspicious?” Mikey asked.

Because yeah, nature drawings, imaginary creatures. So suspicious.

“In one of Leo’s sketchbooks there is a drawing of someone who severely abused Leo,” Donnie stressed. “And I think Master Splinter knows it happened but told Leo something, or possibly blamed Leo for what happened, he did something to make Leo never talk about it.”

“Uh… I’ll try,” Mikey said, not liking what Donnie was asking. “He’s kinda secretive about his works.”

Donnie looked at Mikey like he wasn’t buying the excuse.

“Dude… if he- If he catches me snooping I lose everything,” Mikey said. “That’s why I don’t invade Leo’s space, Donnie.”

“You invade my lab and Raph’s room all the time,” Donnie said, frowning.

“Yeah because you yell at me or give me something to do-” he stopped to shake his paw after he stepped in a puddle of something. “But Leo, he gets wary. You know I can get a hug out of Leo sometimes, like a good one. Not like a ‘I’m Leo and I’m gonna stand real stiff while you hug me’ hug, like a good ‘I’m Leo and I think I kind of need a hug’ hug, you know?”

Donnie obviously didn’t know.

But that kind of made Mikey feel better. Sure Donnie got to sleep next to Leo, but Mikey was still the one getting hugs.

“You don’t know anything about hug science,” Mikey said, smugly.

“Okay, I don’t want you to risk your standing with him,” Donnie sighed. “It would be so much easier if I could just get a look into that sketch book.”

Sure, Mikey thought.

There were bigger, more confusing questions on his mind.

“Why would Splinter cover it up?” he asked.

“I overheard that the abuse came from another child,” Donnie said, still skipping over some details. “So I’m not sure. Maybe there is a good reason.”

“Why can’t you just tell me?” Mikey asked.

He was seventeen and Donnie kept treating him like a baby. Like there were things he wouldn’t understand.

“Because I eavesdropped when I shouldn’t have and-” Donnie stumbled over a rock and barely caught himself, “-Dammit. Dammit. Dammit!” he spat. “Leo and Karai aren’t together at all Mikey. It’s far from that. She has a doctor specifically for him. She called him Keno, and they were talking about the abusive thing this other kid did to him and she told him he was seeing Keno tomorrow. It sounds like some sort of therapist.”

Mikey’s head was spinning. “Therapist?”

A therapist? A doctor? What was going on with Leo? And why hadn’t he even told them that?

“Which would explain why he leaves to see Karai at such specific bi-weekly times,” Donnie said, looking at the scratched up pads on his paw. “He probably has a standing appointment with this Keno person.”

“Dude,” Mikey breathed.

“And we’re not supposed to know that,” Donnie said.

The remorse Donnie felt was easy to hear in his voice.

Mikey had been there. Seen and heard things he shouldn’t and felt bad about it. He knew Leo wasn’t having sex with Karai so it was actually no shock to hear they weren’t together at all.

“Why doesn’t he just tell us Splinter was a shit dad to him and he’s in therapy?” Mikey asked.

Even Raph would get that reasoning.

Donnie frowned, probably to defend their dad. “Mikey… how do you feel about Master Splinter?”

“Well now that I know he’s been abusing Leo I don’t feel so warm about him,” Mikey said, giving Donnie a stern look.

He also didn’t want to get into a big thing about Splinter. He loved their dad, of course he did, but it wasn’t always a great experience. He had memories that made him mad. Splinter did things that were extreme and kind of messed up to do to a kid.

Like the thing with Ice Cream Kitty.

He still misses her.

“Did he ever abuse you?” Donnie asked.

“He was a little strict about rule enforcement,” Mikey said, cutting around the topic.

“Anything else?” Donnie pressed.

Now Mikey could fill a book with the shit Splinter had done and said to him. The issue was this really wasn’t the time. Not while Leo was still getting hurt in this Dream Realm. Not while they were stuck at Karai creepy cold compound.

The issue was Donnie had his bone and he wasn’t going to drop it.

Unless Mikey gave him a bigger and better bone.

Man, the dog metaphors were really flying out of him.

“He told me if I got too close to Leatherhead I needed to just go live with the Mighty Mutanimals and never come back,” Mikey said.

Donnie’s mouth opened in shock.

“Yeah, that was kind of messed up,” Mikey said, with a shrug. He looked down.

The things Splinter had said were so weird looking back. It wasn’t just disappointment, Mikey was immediately accused of wanting to have sex with him brothers. Mikey was told his constant hugging and bed sharing was grossly inappropriate and if Mikey wanted to continue to live in The Lair he needed to cut contact with Leatherhead and work on correcting his attractions before he took advantage of his siblings.

All of that was so humiliating. Mikey had never thought of his brothers like that, but Splinter just assumed he was going to turn into a sex crazed maniac and assault his own siblings. The thought of it made him sick.

“I’m so sorry Mikey,” Donnie whispered, putting their heads together.

Forehead to forehead as wolves didn’t feel as good as it did in turtle form.

Mikey nodded, it must be harder to cry as a wolf because he was doing a good job at keeping it together. “It’s okay. I didn’t have to wait long until he died anyway.”

“Yeah,” Donnie mumbled.

“And me and Leatherhead banged last night!” Mikey said, lifting his head and doing a little happy dance.

Finally he could tell someone he had been dying to ever since he got into the Dream Realm.

“Really? Congratulations!” Donnie said.

“Thank you!” Mikey lifted his front paw and did a little bow. “It was pretty nice,” he said as they started walking again. “A little awkward but you know-”

CLICK

The leaves around Donnie's right front paw flew into the air. Metal spikes came up in a circle, the edges rose-

FFFTHNK

Donnie screamed, the silver turned crimson. Blood misted onto Mikey's front limbs.

“DONNIE!” Mikey cried, lunging towards him.

“Don’t touch it!” Donnie panted. “It’s a bear trap-”

Mikey scrambled to clear leaves away.

“Here’s the chain-” Mikey trembled, following it to a thick metal pole. “Here’s the stake!” he called, trying to bite the flag pole sized stake to pull it out.

VREEP VROP VURROOP

Mikey froze, the hairs on his back standing up.

Donnie’s were too. Bristled. Terrified.

They knew that sound.

“Mikey, go up the river,” Donnie whispered. “Get to Leo and Raph.”

“And just leave you to bleed out?” Mikey hissed.

VREEP VREEP

Those noises were getting louder. Twigs were cracking in the distance.

“The metal teeth are still in and slowing the blood flow,” Donnie whispered, lowering himself to the ground. “I’m going to lay down and try to calm down. You go get Leo and Raph, bring them here. Maybe Leo can use his functioning hands to pry this thing off.”

Mikey emitted a low cry in his throat before belly crawling through the leaves over to Donnie.

“I’ll be right back,” he promised, licking Donnie’s face.

Donnie tried to pull his head away but Mikey just kept following him. “Please stop licking my face,” Donnie strained.

Mikey licked him one last time on the nose. “Sorry bro, lick you later!” he said before running away up towards the river.

Within seconds he was in a full sprint.

Mikey was in a frantic sprint. He skirted the edge of the river while awful thoughts cropped up. What if he was on the wrong side of the river and Raph and Leo were on the other side? What if that noise was what he thought it was? What if there actually are things here that would chase or attack them?

Mikey tripped over a root and landed awkwardly, twisting his paws over each other and ramming his head into the ground. He only took a second to get back on his feet. Not just racing against Donnie’s injury but also waking up.

The second he saw black and white fur peeking from between the trees he let out an involuntary cry. Joy and fear smooshed together and he leaped through the last bush separating him from his brother.

“Raph!” Mikey cried, jumping onto Raph and falling over him.

Their bodies weren’t really built for a flying Mikey hug.

“Mikey!” Raph yelled. “I told you to approach us slowly-”

Mikey shook the dirt off himself. “Raph! Donnie’s hurt! A bear trap! We have to get Leo to free him and there’s blood and-”

His eyes finally took in Raph’s posture and the way he was crouched down. His ears were back and he was giving Mikey an angry snarling look.

“What are you-” Mikey started to ask, just as he saw the green hand balled in Raph’s fur. “OH MY GOD!”

Mikey quickly lunged forward to confirm what he feared.

Leo cried out in fear and ran to the other side of Raph.

Meanwhile Raph growled. “Get away from him!” he snapped at Mikey.

Mikey stepped back quickly. He was suddenly overwhelmed with so many things. Raph was baring his teeth at him. Leo was scared of him. Donnie was bleeding in a bare trap. Mikey’s breathing came in shallow puffs and darkness clouded around the edges.

“Raph?” Mikey warbled, his limbs were shaking.

His heart was hammering and all his emotions were beating on the inside of his face painfully.

Raph put his lips down, covering his teeth. He looked shocked with himself. Like he did when his anger got out of hand. Behind Raph another person was hysterical with fear and doing a worse job at hiding it.

“Sorry,” Raph whispered, looking Mikey in the eye.

Raph then turned his back to Mikey so Leo could.... hug him.

Mikey was shocked to see Raph gently put his front leg around Leo and lick the top of his head. Leo was tiny compared to them. He wasn’t even tall enough to look over Raph’s back.

Leo buried himself into Raph’s neck fur.

“Dude…,” Mikey breathed.

“Don’t say it,” Raph said, still licking the top of Leo’s skull like it was in any shape normal.

Mikey shook his head. “What the hell Raph. He’s a-”

“I know,” Raph said.

Mikey took in the small details. The size of Leo’s shell. The size of his head compared to his body. No muscle definition. Chubby child hands. Round face.

“He’s a baby,” Mikey whispered.

“No, he’s like six or seven,” Raph said, like that was any better.

They weren’t just three wolves in a weird world with a seventeen year old Leo who would make a plan and solve all this. Leo was a kid. He was crying on Raph. He was not going to take charge of this situation.

And that terrified Mikey.

Mikey stepped forward. He wanted to sniff and see Leo for himself.

Leo did not want this, he ran to Raph’s other side away from Mikey. At least he wasn’t crying anymore.

“Mikey, don’t,” Raph sighed. “Just, if he runs, I have to redo all the work it took to nudge him this far.”

Oh, right, Mikey thought.

Then his heart dropped out of his chest and onto the dirt.

“Crap!” he yelled. “Raph, he’s too small to pry open the bear trap!”

“Bear trap?” Raph asked. “Where’s Donnie?”

Mikey spun around back the way he came. “Down the river-”

A distant scream of pain came from that direction. Piercing. Scared. A cry for help.

“DONNIE!” Mikey screamed as he took off full sprint.

“Mikey! Wait!” Raph called.

It didn’t matter though. Mikey had worked this out in a split second. Leo couldn’t help Donnie, and Raph couldn’t leave Leo.

That meant whatever was hurting Donnie right now was about to get all of Mikey’s teeth in the most sensitive part of their body.

“Donnie!” Mikey howled, hoping if maybe Donnie could hear him he’d fight.

The issue was that the run was long. When Mikey got back to the clearing there was no bear trap. Only leaves smeared with blood. It made his heart turn over.

“No no no!” Mikey whimpered, turning around and trying to hear anything. “DONNIE!”

Nothing.

“DONNIE!” he screamed so hard his voice cracked.

This couldn’t be happening. Things were supposed to be okay. They were going to meet up with Raph and find Leo and-

“DONNIE!” he screamed hoarsely, hit paw landing on something cool.

CLICK

Mikey yanked his paw away.

FFFTHNK

The hairs on the end of his paw were caught between the metal teeth. Red coated leaves jumped in the air and stuck to Mikey’s coat.

He stood frozen with the bear trap hanging on the end of his paw by the fur only. It hurt but the pain was grounding.

He took a deep shuddering inhale.

This world was not safe.

“Mikey!” Raph yelled, exploding into the leaf covered area and freezing at what he saw.

“Raph-” Mikey shuddered. “He was right here and now he’s gone and this is his blood and he was bleeding a lot-”

“BITESME!” a distant and small voice yelled.

Raph’s ears went flat and he gave Mikey a horrified look.

“What did he say?” Mikey asked.

“Nothing,” Raph said.

“BITESME!” the little voice wailed.

Raph cleared his throat, his eyes still glued to the bear trap. “Leo, I’m over here!”

“Bitesme Bitesme Bitesme-” Little Leo repeated, every footfall made his voice tremble until he ran into Raph and hugged him. “Don’t run off like that Bitesme!” Little Leo scolded Raph.

It would have been cute if Donnie was here and Mikey wasn’t covered in his blood. He wanted to puke.

Leo was supposed to be seventeen. That was how Raph made it sound before. If Mikey couldn’t even keep Donnie safe, how were they supposed to keep a de-aged Leo safe?

Raph literally licked up Leo’s tears. Leo pushed him away and then wiped off Raph’s spit.

“Raph… Donnie… We need to-” Mikey felt himself crying. He didn’t feel connected to it.

Raph nodded and started looking around. Little Leo stayed by his side and gave Mikey cautious looks over his little toddler shoulder. Leo’s bandages stuck out painfully on his arms. No wonder he was so scared, he was still recovering from what Raph did to him.

“Okay, well were these wheel tracks here before?” Raph asked.

Mikey yanked his paw fur from the bear trap. It hurt but not as bad as if it had been his whole foot. Fuck, Donnie must be in agony.

“N-no” Mikey sniffled. “Maybe someone took him… we heard these noises…like The Kraang,” he shivered and looked around.

Raph's eyes went wide and his fur stuck up. “Oh,” he whispered.

“I guess we aren’t the only ones in here then,” Mikey said quietly, feeling very sick to his stomach.

Raph kept his head on a swivel and tucked Leo closer to him. “No. We aren’t. Let’s find Donnie and figure out how the hell to leave.”

They followed the wheel tracks until they curved through a muddy puddle onto a dirt road. It was the kind of dirt road where there was grass in the middle and two tracks where wheels would ride in. They all walked on that.

And they had to walk because their walking pace was Leo’s near trotting pace and he was already tripping on relatively flat ground.

Mikey was too anxious to walk with them. He would walk several meters ahead and stop to let Raph and Leo catch up. It was better than being back there with them. Mikey had to keep reminding himself that this Leo wasn’t his Leo. His Leo loved him and wasn’t scared of him.

Right?

But that was kind of the problem. The more Little Leo flinched away from him here, the more Mikey thought about the real Leo and how flinchy he was. Here in this Dream Realm it made sense. Leo was small and confused and Mikey was huge and full of teeth.

So much was flooding into Mikey’s brain. So much was becoming super clear and it physically hurt. If Splinter had been abusing Leo, then all the flinching and inability to even accept a hug made painful sense.

“Where are you headed Bitesme?” Leo asked Raph, his voice shaking a little.

It was so hard to not lick Leo’s chubby little face. Something to try and tell him he was okay. At least Mikey could talk to Raph. Leo only had silence and weird wolf noises he didn’t understand.

Raph sighed. He didn’t like the name Leo had given him.

“I’m sorry, but he’s scared of me but literally named you Bites. Me. Because you bit him,” Mikey commented.

“Shut it,” Raph warned.

Yeah, he really hated that name.

Mikey smiled as much as he could given the current emergency. “At this rate I am expecting my name to be Nice-to-me.”

“Your name should be Annoying-slobber-mouth,” Raph grumbled. “And it looks like we’re coming up on a house.”

As the road led out of the forest they saw huge fields on each side of the road. Obviously these had once grown crops but now were empty or recently harvested. Set far away from the road on the right was a storage container with a shingled roof on a cobblestone foundation that acted like a very odd house. Behind the house was a large crate. Mikey couldn’t see what was in the crate from this distance but it was big enough to have Donnie in it.

“Great,” Raph said. “Just great.”

“Yeah, there is absolutely no coverage,” Mikey said, his heart feeling sick and heavy.

Then his ears perked up. Hooves?

“Shit, get back in the woods!” Raph hissed, aggressively nudging Leo off the road and into cover.

They made it just before the wagon’s driver saw them. Both Raph and Mikey crouched on top of Leo.

Through the leaves Mikey saw what was pulling the wagon. It was like a horse but it’s skin was more like rotted hard leather. It’s mouth opened like a dog's all the way to the back of its jaw. It had small triangle ears and no mane.

Oh, and most disturbingly, it had six legs.

When he was done looking at the horse he saw the driver and nearly crapped himself.

“Holy shit, the Kraang really are here??” Mikey breathed.

The Kraang were here and they were farmers?

“We have to get closer to that house while they're gone,” Raph said. “I saw furs in the back of that wagon.”

Mikey swallowed thickly. 

Underneath the both of them Leo made a tiny noise of pain. Raph and Mikey moved apart so Leo could sit up and cradle his broken arm.

“Shit,” Raph muttered, nuzzling Leo’s face. “I think he’d be screaming if he broke it again, but still, I know buddy, it’s not fun having a broken bone.”

When the wagon was down the road and past the house Mikey stood up.

“I’ll go,” Mikey said. “You stay here.”

“What?” Raph asked, yanking his head away from Leo. “No way.”

Mikey shook his head. “Sorry dude, but you have to stay here with Leo. If shit goes sideways we need to move fast. Better for you to stay hidden with him.”

Raph moved his mouth but no words came out. Then to add insult to injury Leo reached over with his non-broken arm to pet Raph.

“I’m sorry I’ve been a dick,” Raph said. “I know you were just trying to introduce yourself to Leo and I could have controlled myself better.”

He laid back down on the ground next to Leo and Leo wasted no time curling up next to Raph.

Mikey felt weird about the apology. He knew where Raph was coming from with protecting Leo, and it was obvious that Leo was the most comfortable with Raph. “It’s okay,” he said before licking Raph’s face from snout to forehead.

“Ew! Mikey! Fucking sick!” Raph snapped, shaking his head.

“And I’m not sorry for that,” Mikey said before hopping out into the road.

Traveling over an open field in broad daylight wasn’t something Mikey was comfortable with. He was more for swinging and jumping around. He tended to act like he could fly sometimes.

This wolf form was painfully grounded. Aside from getting in a few leaps he was always on the ground. He felt heavy and sturdy, not light and agile.

This must be how Raph feels, he thought to himself.

His paw slipped in some of the softly tilled farmland. The pads of his foot touched something cold and Mikey reflexively lifted his paw up anticipating a bear trap. When he looked down he saw a tangle of  brand name Duracell batteries connected to green leaves. He only looked at it for a split second before continuing his trot to the storage container house.

“Well, I guess robot farmers would grow robot food…,” Mikey said.

This Dream Realm really didn’t make a lot of sense.

Mikey approached the house slowly. He couldn’t hear anything inside but there were windows cut into the metal sides. Another interesting thing about the storage container was the faded graffiti. Mikey could almost swear he had seen some of these tags before, but why would they be here? All of this was making his head swim.

The crate behind the house looked like a generic wooden crate; only the wide planks had small gaps for ventilation. Already Mikey could smell blood and see Donnie’s white fur.

“Donnie?” Mikey whispered, circling the crate.

“Mikey?” Donnie’s painfully broken up voice asked. He scrambled to cram as much of his face outside the crate as he could.

Mikey pressed his nose to Donnie’s. “Hey, hey, I’m here. I’m here,” he repeated.

“Did you find Raph and Leo?” Donnie asked, trying to control his own panic.

“Yeah, but, uh,” Mikey hesitated, he didn’t want to freak Donnie out while he was already so stressed. “It looks like we’re on our own for this rescue.”

The door of this improvised cage had no gaps to see through, a security feature so the creature inside couldn’t claw at someone locking and unlocking the cage. Mikey’s heart soared when he saw the padlock. Not only was it tiny, the key to it seemed to be attached to a chain on the door.

“The key is on the chain,” Donnie said. “I saw it as they put me in here.”

Mikey lifted his paw and immediately realized the padlock itself was maybe the size of one of his toes. The key was even smaller. Yes he could hold the padlock between his teeth but then what? Without thumbs this was impossible.

Why was everything in this world so frustrating? Why was Leo a child? Why did they have to be wolves Leo can’t understand? Why are there Kraang in this world?

Mikey swallowed the urge to cry and the rust flavor of the padlock.

“Okay,” Mikey said, struggling to keep his voice soothing for Donnie. Ignoring then animal furs drying on the back of the storage container. “I am going to get Raph, and uh, maybe I can hold the lock in my mouth and he can put the key in?”

“Okay,” Donnie whispered.

Mikey had hoped Donnie would make a plan or have a way out of here. Instead he sounded completely defeated.

“I’m sorry D,” Mikey whispered between the planks.

“When we wake up will you please come straight to the compound? Please? I-” Donnie stammered.

“Of course man. Of course,” Mikey said. Immediately his mind filled with thoughts of getting back to Karai’s creepy Foot Soldier Factory and wrapping Donnie in a fluffy blanket and popping a movie on. And they could eat a bunch of popcorn and chips, but not too many because Mikey had been eating a lot lately and he was trying to keep his calories down.

“Thank you,” Donnie said.

“Okay, be back in a flash,” Mikey said, hopping up. “You won’t even have the time to miss me.”

That was a lie, the second Mikey started sprinting back to Raph and Leo with little regard to his surroundings he missed Donnie.

“We were watching you. What happened?” Raph asked before Mikey could even explain what had happened.

“The crate is locked. The key is on a chain attached to the crate-”

“So what’s the hold up?” Raph asked, anxiously pacing back and forth.

“The lock is super tiny,” Mikey gritted out, wishing Raph would let him explain before taking over him. “The key is super tiny. I am super big and have no thumbs. But! If you were there too you could hold the lock in your teeth and then I could use the key with my teeth-”

“Oh for crying out loud,” Raph seethed. “Can this place get any more ridiculous?”

Mikey pinned his ears back. “Well, I don’t see a better option!” he snapped.

Raph can’t blame him for this.

“I do,” Raph said. “I’m a bear and I’m gonna smash that crate. You stay here with Leo,” he said, tapping Mikey’s chest with his paw.

Mikey scowled and bit back any remarks about the crate being too strong to be smashed apart. Instead he looked around to see how Leo was handling this. He was probably scared because Raph and him looked like they were mad.

“Uh… where is Leo?” Mikey asked, trying to pin down the exact last time he saw him. 

After they both looked around their feet like idiots for a dropped contact, Mikey looked into the field and gasped.

“SHIT! LEO!” Raph and Mikey both yelled, leaping out from behind the bush and bolting to Leo.

He was already two thirds of the way to Donnie.

When there were Kraang all around.

“His legs are so tiny,” Mikey panted. “How is he like halfway there already!?!?”

When they caught up to Leo he only glanced over his shoulder before continuing his adorable little run towards the house.

Did Mikey say adorable? He meant dangerous.

“Do we send him back or do we keep going?” Raph asked.

How would we do that? Mikey wondered.

They had no hands and the last time Raph grabbed Leo with his teeth he did more damage.

“There are places to hide him behind the house,” Mikey said.

There were some barrels. Hopefully Leo wouldn’t see the furs and stuff and wonder what happened to all the fuzzy animals that get caught.

“Okay, you herd and hide him,” Raph said, sprinting ahead. “I’ll fuck up the crate.”

“It feels weird to swear in front of something so tiny,” Mikey said before pouncing in front of Leo to slow him down. He was sure to put his butt in the air and lean down on his front paws like a friendly dog. “C’mon Leo.”

Leo flinched then looked displeased. Adorably displeased. “Hopper stop it!”

“Oh my god, that’s my name?” Mikey gasped. For a second he was so stunned that Leo managed to get around him. “It’s wonderful,” Mikey asserted, before getting in front of Leo’s path again. “I love you so much little man but we gotta keep you safe. So to the barrel you go-”

A banging noise startled Leo. It was the crate rocking as Raph attacked it. Mikey yanked his head around.

“Raph!” Donnie yelled out angrily. “Stop- I’m injured dammit-”

Raph stopped. “There is no other way to do this,” he said.

Mikey opened his mouth to defend Donnie but Raph had a point. The padlock was too small.

“Well maybe try to bite the lock off?” Donnie suggested.

At this point Leo had found his way past Mikey again and was bee-lining for the crate.

“Mikey, keep him back!” Raph said.

“What am I supposed to keep him back with?” Mikey yelled.

Raph opened his mouth. “That’s-”

“Awww. Is this your friend?” Leo asked Raph, touching his shoulder before he walked to the door.

Raph seemed speechless. Mikey moved to try to nudge Leo back to the house.

“Oh!” Leo exclaimed at the door.

“Wait…” Raph said, stopping Mikey.

They both watch as Leo tentatively took hold of the key and the lock. Mikey felt a fluttering in his chest. A hope that it would be this easy bouncing in his chest.

Leo fiddled with the padlock but his bandages were hindering his finger movements. “This isn’t going to work,” Little Leo said, dropping the lock in frustration.

Both Raph and Mikey slumped where they stood.

“What’s keeping him from opening it?” Donnie asked.

“His bandages,” Mikey said, feeling hopeless. Feeling like they would find out what would happen if one of them died in here.

Leo then started pulling off his bandages and tossing them to the ground. He grasped the key and padlock again with a twisted up face. “Come on!” he said in frustration as the key wouldn’t turn.

They could only all stay completely still. An unconscious understanding that any distraction might make Leo stop trying to open the lock. After a painful half a minute the lock clicked open and Leo removed it from the door.

Raph came forward quickly to dig his claw into the wood and pull the door open. Donnie limped out holding his injured paw up.

It looked broken.

Donnie took a moment to take in what Leo was before looking around shakily. “We have to get moving,” he said.

A twig snapped near the house. They looked behind themselves in time to see a tiny Kraang soldier round the corner of the container and make a robotic noise of surprise.

“CHILD KRAANG RUN!” Mikey yelled.

The Child Kraang turned around and ran but Mikey felt like that just meant it was getting its Kraang Parents.

“Leo!” Raph hissed, trying to nudge him. “Run!”

“No time!” Mikey said. “Lay down on your stomach in front of him,” he said.

“What?”

“Just do it!” Mikey yelled.

Raph laid down and Mikey pushed Leo so he landed on Raph’s back.

“No go!” Mikey ordered.

“Can he hold on?” Raph asked as Leo made uncertain noises and squirmed around so he was straddling Raph like a horse.

“He better,” Mikey said, before turning his attention to Donnie. “Come on, lean on me,” he whispered.

“I-, my foot- it’s-” Donnie whimpered, hopping on three legs.

Suddenly Mikey’s ear popped and the dirt just three feet away from them exploded. Mikey heard the muffled click of a shotgun being pumped and knew they had to run now.

“Zigzag!” Raph yelled over the ringing in Mikey’s ear.

The Kraang Child took another shot at them but missed. Donnie did a three legged awkward gallop and Raph ran ahead of them with Leo clinging to his back.

They took an erratic path away from the gunshots and the way they originally came from. They ran straight into the unknown woods on the other side of the clearing.

It took them a long time to find a safe place to stop. Luckily Donnie mastered a three legged run and they all decided to keep pace with that. By the time they stopped Donnie collapsed onto the ground.

Raph circles the area very fast. He had to because every time he slowed down Leo would try to get off. As long as Raph kept an intimidating speed Leo would stay on. “This looks safe enough…” he said, slowing down to a stop.

Leo immediately got off of Raph and toddled away from him like a child who just got off a big scary roller coaster and never wanted to be on one again. He sat down on the ground then laid on his back.

It took a few minutes for everyone to catch their breath. Mikey put himself next to Donnie and started licking his paw. There was a pull to do this that he couldn’t explain. Initially Donnie hissed out but after a few licks seemed to welcome it. Meanwhile Raph belly crawled over to Leo and licked his hands. It only took a little to make Leo sit up and laugh at what Raph was doing.

“So…” Donnie sighed, like he does when he has a huge headache coming. “He’s a child.”

“Yeah,” Mikey said.

To be honest the shock of it all hadn’t really hit him. Donnie being hurt had been the pressing concern. Now Donnie’s agitated voice sparked fear in Mikey. There was no way Leo being tiny was going to work out for them. There was no way they could protect him like this.

“This is so bad,” Donnie said.

“… yeah,” Mikey agreed with a shudder.

Even he couldn’t joke about this anymore. He couldn’t keep up his act about liking his name or finding Raph’s new name funny. He just wanted to be home with real Leo and his real brothers.

“He’s going to wake up hurt,” Donnie said, referencing Leo’s bloodied hands. His bandages were still outside the crate on the ground where he had thrown them away. “And I’m going to wake up hurt,” Donnie said, looking down at his bloody paw. “We’re both going to need help.”

“As soon as we wake up I’m running to Karai’s. I’ll call her and tell her to find you two,” Mikey said, already figuring out how he would do this. Wake up, call Karai, explain to Leatherhead that he had to go-

“We’re in Leo’s room,” Donnie said.

“What?” Mikey asked, unable to hide his shock.

“I’m in his bed. You know before we went to sleep he grabbed my hand? I think we’re still holding hands,” Donnie explained.

“Oh…” Mikey said, his chest sinking.

Holding hands with Leo, it wasn’t a big deal. Mikey had held hands with Leo. Not for very long and it might have just been during Master Splinter’s funeral, and maybe it was Mikey that grabbed Leo- but it was no big deal.

“I think I am getting somewhere with him,” Donnie whispered. “I mean…,” he trailed off. “The timing is awful since we’re in the middle of this Dream Beaver nonsense but-”

“I don’t think the way Leo talks about Master Splinter is normal,” Mikey said, laying his head over Donnie’s back so he didn’t have to worry about some emotions showing on his face. “I think there is something going on.”

“Something definitely is, I just don’t even know how to approach it,” Donnie said. “I’ll need a bit of time to get a plan of action.”

“How are you doing, Donnie?” Raph asked, coming over to him and Mikey with Leo in tow.

“I feel really bad,” Donnie said. “Those Kraang have cattle prods. That wasn’t fun.”

Raph gave a quick nod. “Well, I’m not gonna lick you like Mikey. That’s gross,” he said.

Mikey huffed.

“I just watched you slobber all over Leo,” Donnie remarked, not sounding impressed at all.

“That’s- That’s, he's a little kid,” Raph stressed. “He needs the-”

“Raphie kisses on his ouchies?” Mikey couldn’t help but say.

Yes the situation was serious, but nothing was more serious than calling Raph out on his soft side.

Raph growled. “The comfort, Mikey. The comfort.”

At that very moment Mikey felt a very small hand stroke his side. “Are you a good doggy Hopper?” Leo asked.

“Mikey, wag your tail,” Donnie whispered.

Right, Mikey thought, wagging his tail so hard it hurt. He also turned and licked Leo’s fingers playfully just as Raph had been doing.

Leo retracted his hand with a giggle. He tried to wipe some of the slobber off on Mikey’s fur. Which was rude but Leo was seven so he let it slide and sneaked a lick to his face.

Then Leo’s smile slipped away as he looked at Donnie. He reached out to gently stroke Donnie on the head. “You’re a hurt doggy,” Leo pointed out.

Donnie wagged his tail.

“I wish I could take you to my Dad,” Leo said, still stroking Donnie’s skull. “He’d know what to do. But I don’t think he’d let me keep you. Even if me, Raph, Donnie, and Mikey all begged,” he said, sounding very certain. “He’s kinda strict…”

Raph and Mikey caught each other’s eyes. Both trying to walk back in time to that age and what Splinter was like.

The issue was that Splinter was never strict with Leo.

“I don’t even think they know where I am right now,” Leo said in a shaky, scared voice that drew Raph closer to him. “So I don’t know if I’ll ever get home. Or if I’ll ever see my brothers again.”

Leo pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them.

“I guess that means Raph will be his Destined Student now,” Leo continued. “That’s okay, being the Destined Student kind of sucks anyways. I don’t get to play as much and Dad says we have to work on our bond more. I keep doing things wrong though. I bet Raph will do things right. He always does things more right than me. But I’ll never tell him that so you can’t either…”

Mikey didn’t like where this was going. It was hair raising. A bond? A destined student?

“Hhmm, I don’t know what to call you,” Leo said, touching Donnie’s head again. “Your face is kinda red from all the blood… Maybe Redbeard?”

“For crying out loud,” Raph moaned.

Leo smiled and looked up at Raph. “It’s okay Bitesme, I still like you too,” he said, giving Raph’s chest a rub.

Raph stared straight ahead while Donnie and Mikey snickered.

“I wish I was home,” Leo said, with a big huge yawn.

Seeing Leo yawn like that stirred them into action. They all shifted around Leo to make a nest with their bodies. Leo quickly slumped over onto Raph’s side and fell asleep.

They waited until he was snoring to speak.

“If he’s talking to us that’s a good sign right?” Mikey asked, hoping there could be one good thing about all the information Leo dumped on them.

Donnie hesitated. “Eh, maybe.” He shrugged as well as a wolf could. “It’s a self soothing behavior to humanize animal companions. Our presence blunts the feeling of isolation now, but that won’t last forever.”

"I hope we wake up soon, you’re going to need medical care,” Raph said.

“I’m actually feeling a lot better,” Donnie said.

The bleeding had stopped and Donnie didn’t look like he was in pain.

“See, licking was a good idea!” Mikey said, nipping at Donnie’s ear.

“It’s still gross,” Raph said. “Keep your tongue away from me.”

Donnie sighed. He was blinking slowly like he was having a hard time staying awake. He would definitely need a good Mikey Hug when they reunited.

“Maybe you should try to sleep, Donnie,” Raph said.

Donnie jerked his head up and shook it. “No, uh, I think I need to stay up. Mikey didn’t tell you this but yesterday Leo admitted to something very troubling about Master Splinter. We should talk about it. We need to talk about it. Shell, we might want to think about therapy to talk about it.”

“It?” Raph asked

“Master Splinter forced Leo to take peyote on a fairly regular basis-” Donnie said.

“Is he still doing it?” Raph asked. “Fuck, is he addicted-”

“No, he said there’s none left,” Donnie said.

What if that’s a lie? Mikey thought.

Raph froze. “Fuck. That’s fucked up. Can’t that mess with development? Don’t stare at me like that! I had to help Casey with his paper on drugs last year, remember?”

“It might have had a ceremonial purpose,” Donnie suggested.

“Yeah, what’s a Destined Student?” Mikey asked.

He had a bad habit of zoning out while Splinter would talk, so for all he knew this was something he should know.

“I don’t know,” Donnie said, frowning even harder. “I can look into it when we wake up.”

“Okay, we’ll be there,” Mikey said.

Raph laid his head down on his crossed paws. “I’m driving straight to the Mighty Mutanimals base to get Mikey, then we’ll be there.”

“Okay, good,” Donnie said, forcing himself to calm down. “Thank you. Leo has an appointment at eleven but hopefully we can talk to him before then.”

“Appointment?” Raph asked.

“Michelangelo?”

Mikey’s body felt like he had spent the last eight hours sleeping on sharp rocks. He was sore enough to be the new definition of it. Leatherhead's big webbed hands were even painful against his scale.

“Uhng,” he groaned, the light in Leatherhead’s room was practically blinding.

“Please wake up,” Leatherhead begged, bringing Mikey to his chest and holding him tightly.

Mikey jerked awake, suddenly everything hit him at once. “Oh my god!” he said, pushing away from Leatherhead.

“You were not waking I thought I might need to get Rockwell-,” Leatherhead said, placing Mikey down on the bed.

Mikey grabbed Leatherhead’s arm. Well, he grabbed what he could. Leatherhead was kinda big. “No no, uh Leathy, it’s the Dream Realm thing. I can’t control when I fall asleep or when I wake up. I think all four of us have to be primed to sleep and primed to wake up before it happens,” he explained, scooching on the bed to hug him.

Leatherhead returned the hug. “I still worry,” he rumbled deeply.

“Don’t,” Mikey whispered, squeezing his eyes shut and snuggling into Leatherhead’s embrace. He felt so completely loved in Leatherhead’s arms. “I’m okay. I promise,” he said. “And I hate to not even stay for breakfast but I gotta get ready because Raph is coming right now to come get me. And I have to call Karai because Donnie is hurt-”

Mikey scrambled to grab his phone out of his overnight bag. He already had an unread text.

Donnie [Wednesday, 09:02:09 AM]

No major injuries on me or Leo.

“Oh that’s amazing,” Mikey breathed, his eyes getting watery.

Leatherhead rested his hand on Mikey’s back. “What is going on?”

“So in this Dream Realm we’re these wolves right?” Mikey said. They had already sort of talked about it but it was crazy to explain. “Well Donnie got hurt so we thought he would be hurt when we woke up but he said he’s not. He was really bloody.”

“I’m sorry,” Leatherhead said, rubbing his shell. “This Dream Realm feels far from a dream.”

“A lot of things are far from a dream right now,” Mikey said, shakily.

Donnie [Wednesday, 09:05:17 AM]

Leo won’t let me look at his arms.

Donnie [Wednesday, 09:05:38 AM]

Leo locked himself in his bathroom.

Raph [Wednesday, 09:06:08 AM]

You sent this to the group chat.

Donnie [Wednesday, 09:06:10 AM]

I pushed him. I’m leaving the room. Get here when you can.

Donnie [Wednesday, 09:06:43 AM]

Shit.

Raph [Wednesday, 09:07:08 AM]

Yeah.

Raph [Wednesday, 09:07:27 AM]

Leaving Casey’s now.

Raph [Wednesday, 09:08:00 AM]

Give Leo his space, D.

“Isn’t Donatello closest to Leonardo?” Leatherhead said after reading the messages Mikey had shared.

“It’s complicated,” he said, turning his phone off and throwing it in his bag. “He gives Donnie the most compliments. He gives Raph the most freedom. He gives me the most wiggle room. Like, I can hug him. He lets me look at his art. He sometimes pats me on the head. But it’s not…”

Normal, he thought. Too scared to voice it.

“You should go,” Leatherhead said.

It hurt to make Leatherhead say that. Their first time together was supposed to be followed by a lot of cuddling and spending the next morning with each other. Mikey swallowed. Maybe when they went back home he could invite Leatherhead over. Leo would probably allow that. He usually said yes.

“Would you wait with me until Raph comes?” Mikey asked, crawling onto his boyfriend’s lap.

Leatherhead obliged and kissed Mikey’s head. It was a toothy kiss but that was okay.

“Yes, but are you sure you do not want some breakfast?” Leatherhead asked. “We have pancake mix, I could make you some pancakes?”

Mikey almost said yes, but sadly for what he had coming up he needed to be fasted.

“I’m okay, just hungry for a hug,” he said, snuggling closer to Leatherhead and closing his eyes.

“I can’t believe we got in a traffic jam!” Raph seethed while jamming his thumb into the close door button on the elevator panel.

Mikey retreated to the back corner of the elevator against the handrails. “Donnie is in our room, according to his texts,” he said.

“He should be in the hospital wing getting looked at,” Raph snapped.

Mikey shrunk back. His own stress levels were already maxing out and he really didn’t like that he was being yelled at for something Donnie was doing.

And because Mikey couldn’t put in the effort to calm Raph down, he carried that energy to their room.

“Good, you’re here we need to-” Donnie began, having his sentence cut short by the hug Mikey attacked him with. “I’m okay, Mikey,” Donnie soothed, putting his chin on top of Mikey’s skull.

Raph paced in front of them. “Scaring the shit out of me, Donnie. Fuck,” he snarled, his voice shaking at much as his hands had been while driving.

“You don’t get to talk,” Donnie shot back. “Leo being a kid in the Dream Realm was vital information, Raph!”

Yeah, that wasn’t cool, Mikey silently agreed, still clinging to Donnie.

“Vital so you guys would laugh at him?” Raph asked.

“Vital so when I set off a bear trap and Kraang Farmers were coming I would have known to have Mikey stay with me to help defend me instead of going to fetch a toddler!” Donnie spat, stepping forward and having to drag Mikey with him.

Raph froze. “I- How was I supposed to know there was something else in there besides us?” he asked.

“It doesn’t matter?” Donnie yelled. “We can’t hide information from each other. Our lives depend on it. If something happens in there we can’t keep secrets!”

“I did what I thought was best for Leo,” Raph said.

“And almost got me killed,” Donnie snapped.

Mikey hugged Donnie tighter. He didn’t like what had happened, he didn’t like that everyone was yelling. He just wanted to hug his brother and get all of this to stop.

“Where is Leo?” Mikey asked. The only way things would be right is if they could all do something together now. “He’s not still in the bathroom right?”

“No, Karai and Shini coaxed him out. Seeing as his appointment is at eleven, and it’s ten thirty, I don’t think we’ll be able to talk to him until after lunch,” Donnie sighed.

“What’s this appointment about?” Raph asked.

“I don’t know. Not until I can look it up online and I don’t want to do that on Karai’s Wifi Network where she can see. I wasn’t supposed to overhear that and then I also freaked Leo out-”

Mikey peeled himself off Donnie and took his hands. “Woah, what happened this morning?” he asked, trying to calm Donnie down.

Donnie made random gestures with his hands. “Leo was on my side of the bed.”

“He was what?” Mikey and Raph both asked in unison.

“Full hug,” Donnie said. “For a second I thought you were in my bed,” he told Mikey, rubbing the top of his head. “Then I fully woke up and Leo was apologizing a lot and I was worried about his arms and I accidentally in my haste to see how bad his arms were backed him into the bathroom where he slammed the door on me.”

Raph huffed. “Not surprising.”

“It’s concerning,” Donnie said. “It’s no longer a weird Leo Thing, Raph. Master Splinter was drugging Leo. And what the hell is a Destined Student?”

Mikey shrugged and looked at Raph. “I don’t know.”

“Well the tiny Dream Realm Leo said Raph would be the Destined Student if he couldn’t be,” Donnie said, exasperated. “But what’s a Destined Student?”

“Don’t look at me,” Raph said. “No one said shit about this fuckery.”

“Are we all going to become Destined Students?” Mikey wondered aloud.

“What?” Donnie asked.

“Well, when Leo apologized to me about using all the cheese, he also told me he was going to tell us about his private lessons with Master Splinter finally. Maybe he’s working on our Destined Student stuff?” Mikey suggested. “He said he needed a couple of weeks, and still didn’t want to go to see Splinter’s grave.”

Raph frowned. “All I know is Leo was about seven when he started having more time with Splinter.”

“You know this for sure?” Donnie asked.

“Yeah, I made a stink about it because Leo got to stay up later than us,” Raph said.

“Yeah, well,” Donnie huffed a sad laugh. “There is a good chance Leo was drugged up during these lessons. And by the way, I’m not going to his grave this year either now, maybe never. I’m pissed off. We have no idea what the long term side effects of peyote are. If I wasn’t forcibly falling asleep lately I’d be up all night making myself sick with all the health problems that might crop up for him.”

Raph groaned, and rubbed his temples. “What is peyote even? I know it's bad but why?”

“It’s a hallucinogen,” Donnie said.

“I don’t want to go anymore either,” Mikey piped in. “I think it will upset Leo more than help him. I thought if I pushed, maybe we’d hang out at the farmhouse and have a good time but…”

“Yeah,” Raph agreed. “Not like Splinter is going anywhere. We don’t need to go right now.”

Donnie sighed and positioned himself in front of both Mikey and Raph with his hands on his hips. “Before I go to April’s to use her computer, I need to know if Master Splinter ever gave you two peyote.”

Raph and Mikey stood still. For Mikey, he really didn’t know. He had been high once. There was a little bag of edible marijuana gummies in his room but he hadn’t dared to eat enough to get high, just half of one to get buzzed and take a nap.

“Or anything that might have made you sick or feel sick?” Donnie asked. “Tea, gum, anything?”

“Splinter never gave me anything,” Raph said, then turned to Mikey. “What about you?”

Mikey got scared for no reason. “Uhm, no.. I guess, not? Never been high even.”

Raph nodded then turned back to Donnie. “Look, this thing about Splinter and Leo is disturbing but we can’t focus on it. Not until the Dream Realm thing is figured out.”

“Master Splinter was abusing Leo and you think that doesn’t take priority?” Donnie asked. “Forcing a child to take drugs is abuse. And I don’t know about you, but Master Splinter has done some things to me over the years that go beyond the label of strict parenting. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Master Splinter treated Leo so well in front of us and abused him in private. Then he left us alone for long periods of time when we were children. Do you remember that? Do you remember being alone for two weeks at a time and watching the food get low and wondering if Master Splinter would really come back?”

“I know, I am not saying we ignore this,” Raph said. “I’m saying there is more pressing shit going on. This can wait. Splinter is dead. Not like Leo is in any danger from him now.”

“Yeah, but we’re all affected by what he did,” Mikey said quietly. “Leo most of all.”

“And it has nothing to do with the Dream Realm, which is currently causing us all harm,” Raph argued.

Donnie closed his mouth and took a deep breath. “I understand the Dream Realm is more pressing, but we don’t get to choose when our family has a crisis and I would rather be prepared,” he said with a forced calm.

“I just want you to focus on what’s most important,” Raph warned.

“I am,” Donnie said. “And Karai agreed we shouldn’t go home until the Dream Beavers are taken care of and we’re out of this shared Dream Realm.”

Mikey's heart fell over. “We’re not going home?” he asked.

“We can’t risk it. Not when any of us could wake up with a life threatening injury,” Donnie explained. “Okay, I’m going to April’s. I’ll be back tonight. Don’t mention any of this stuff to Leo,” he added before walking out the door.

Mikey bit his lower lip. “I’m gonna go take care of Klunk,” he said to Raph.

She was around here somewhere and probably hungry and would need her box scooped.

“Good. I’m going to find breakfast,” Raph said, heading for the door.

“Raph wait-” Mikey grabbed his brother’s arm.

“What?” Raph asked, raising an eye ridge.

Mikey hesitated. “You know how Leo kept putting off telling us about his private lesson?” he asked.

Out of all of them, it was really only Raph and Mikey who wanted the new lessons. Donnie was pretty neutral to the idea of more time away from his inventions.

“Yeah?” Raph said.

“What if Leo feels guilty for not having anything to teach us.... Because he was too drugged to remember what happened?” Mikey asked, letting go of him.

Raph frowned. “I have to eat breakfast and cool down. Go take care of Klunk. I’ll be back later.”

Raph left. The door closed. The AC unit in the corner of the room turned on and Mikey toed the carpet.

“But I kind of need someone to stay,” he said quietly.

Mikey pushed the food card under his nails while looking through the vending machine glass. Karai had given all of them a little credit card that had some unknown amount of money on it that only worked with the vending machines inside the compound. She said it was enough money that she would be shocked if they went over the limit, but she probably hadn’t counted on Mikey needing to binge.

Sometimes the need was overwhelming. Right now it was all he could think about so it made sense to just binge and get it over with.

Mikey didn’t want to get caught so he went to the vending machines near the rec room on the residential floor. It was unlikely Raph would go there to blow off steam, and because it was the middle of the day on a Wednesday no one was around.

It was just Mikey and the three vending machines.

Shaking the plastic grocery bag he had brought with him Mikey began gathering his items. He stuck the card into the slot and punched in the row and number for the start of a wonderful binge session.

He didn’t want to cook anything so the ramen packets, while tempting, would need to be passed. He did get one of each of every available cereal bowl. Fruit Loops, Apple Jacks, and of course Oreo O’s. Then he got a bag of trail mix, Cheetos, Cool Ranch Doritos, Barbecue Lays, and beef jerky.

He retrieved all these items from the flap and put them in the bag at his feet. His heart hammering like he expected Raph to pop up any second and yell at him for messing it all up once again.

He added a few candy bars. Twix, Snickers, Mars Bars, before getting three bottles of water to make sure he could get all this up.

Rushing back to his room he felt the same mixture of joy and guilt he always did. On one hand screw everyone, he wanted to binge. On the other hand he knew binging and purging made his brothers upset and caused him to feel really shitty the rest of the day.

Yet he kept doing it.

He didn’t want to even think about the calories he was about to ingest. Normally he would think twice about eating trail mix or beef jerky since even the smallest bags seemed to house multiple servings. His brothers would be shocked to know how good he was at adding up calories in his head. They’d probably be shocked to know he even understands how to read nutrition labels.

Mikey liked to keep it that way. Make sure Donnie thought he was doing this stuff intuitively before anyone starts marking out calories with a permanent marker.

They didn’t need to know about the scale in his room or his religious calorie logging or the little numbers he has to add up in his head every time he eats. He just needed to be good ole dumb Mikey.

In their room Mikey got on one of the beds they don’t sleep on and laid out his bounty of snacks. He brought up a few video game play throughs on YouTube to watch while he chomped down on his food. Klunk got on the pillow behind him and snoozed, completely unaware that Mikey was about to eat himself sick.

Somewhere during the potato chip era of his binge the roof of his mouth got sore. His teeth had a sugary film. His tongue felt like a soggy caterpillar squirming around his mouth and he still had seven candy bars to consume. It didn’t even occur to him to save them for later. He wanted them now and it was better to eat them now so that he wouldn’t binge on them tomorrow or something.

He finished his binge inside a twenty-two minute video and drank only three bottles of water. Raking his hand over all the wrappers gave him a physical reaction of self disgust. All this food he just gobbled up with no control. He punished himself further by pulling out his phone and tallying up every single calorie of his binge.

Almost eight thousand five hundred fifty calories of pure carbs, fat, and sugar.

This wasn’t even his worst binge to date considering he hadn’t eaten anything yet today. In fact if he could slip by without lunch and dinner he might not need to purge. Turtles have horrible digestive tracts. So while they only need around three thousand calories a day with their exercise and activity levels, they all have to eat nearly five thousand calories worth of food. Even knowing that, Mikey still couldn’t help but fear that his body sucked every calorie from the food he ate.

And he just ate nearly three days worth of food.

He needed to puke.

Groaning to himself he got off the bed feeling sluggish. After a binge all he wanted to do was sleep and cry, but none of that ever burned any calories.

Forcing himself to puke was pretty easy. He didn’t use his finger or the handle of his toothbrush. He just had to close his eyes, lean over the bowl, and remember how Ice Cream Kitty died.

.

.

.

A chill washed over Mikey as Master Splinter tipped the shoe box full of sludgy sandwich baggies onto the table. All the food Mikey had chewed up in his room and spit into bags. He had hid them away in his room looking for the chance to take them somewhere and throw them away.

“What a waste,” Master Splinter said, picking up one of the light brown bags of mush that had been Graham Crackers.

Mikey had a white knuckles grip on the edge of the table. “It’s all stuff from the trash, we were going to throw it away-”

“Silence,” Master Splinter snapped. He dropped the bag next to the others with a disgusted sneer. “Our family does not throw away this much food, even stale. Explain,” he demanded.

Mikey shrunk under the hard gaze of his father, pressure built behind his eyes as he tried very hard not to cry. “I-,” his throat was tight. “I- I sometimes get it out of dumpsters. And I hide it in my room and-”

Master Splinter scowled deeper, narrowing his eyes at Mikey like he was a flea.

“If you are able to chew it,” Master Splinter said darkly. “Then you would have been able to eat it. What a waste. I try my best to prepare you and your brothers for when I leave with Leonardo and your selfishness has delayed us.”

“I’m sorry,” Mikey croaked, a tear spilling over his cheek.

Master Splinter stood up straight and crossed his arms over his chest. “So you have told me, time and time again without changing your behavior,” he snarled. “You have stolen food out of your family's mouth, Michelangelo.”

That broke him. His eyes filled with tears and his shoulders heaved up and down. “I’m sorry, I can’t control it-”

“Of course you can,” Master Splinter said, walking over to Mikey. “You are just not properly motivated.”

Mikey cried while Master Splinter rubbed his shoulder and neck. He squeezed Mikey’s throat a few times before running his hands back down to Mikey’s plastron.

“When I was a little boy, my grandmother taught me to not steal food by telling me the story of a greedy little boy and his dog,” Master Splinter explained.

Mikey flinched every time Master Splinter dragged his claws around his throat. He didn’t like this touching. It was weird.

“You see this little boy was much like you, Michelangelo. Fat. No self control. Always taking food from the village stores,” Master Splinter continued. “One day the boy stole from the village near the end of fall, right after everything in the land was harvested and preserved. After all the meat was dried and salted. However, in his haste he left the door of this storage house ajar.”

Mikey sniffled.

Master Splinter turned away from Mikey and opened the freezer. He sat Ice Cream Kitty on the table in front of Mikey but out of reach on the other side of all the disgusting baggies.

“What are you-?”

“Do not interrupt,” Master Splinter warned. “As I was saying, animals got into the village's food supply. While the boy did not intend to starve his people, his inability to control his urges caused widespread harm. And while the boy begged for forgiveness as he had time and time before, the villagers knew there was no way he would change.”

Master Splinter retrieved the blender. He put it on the table and plugged it.

Mikey’s chest collapsed when Master Splinter poured Ice Cream Kitty into the blender and snapped the lid on.

“NO! DAD! PLEASE!-” Mikey gasped, sprinting out of his stool and clawing at Master Splinter’s chest.

Master Splinter grabbed his wrists, spun him around and pinned him so he was bent over on the table. Mikey struggled to turn his head to see the blender. Ice Cream Kitty pawed at the glass confused and cramped.

Mikey cried. “Dad, please! Dad, I’m so sorry I swear it will never-”

“Shhhh,” Master Splinter said. “Do you know how the story ends?”

Mikey nodded emphatically.

Master Splinter hummed. “That is very odd, if you know how the story ends then why did you do all this in the first place?” he asked.

Ice Cream Kitty let out a single confused meow before Master Splinter turned the blender on.

.

.

.

Mikey laid on the floor in the bathroom feeling too weak to even sit up. His back burned something awful from all the violently lurching. He blinked slowly, staring at the wall behind the toilet where the pipes connect to the wall. The bathroom felt like it was rocking slowly, trying to lull him off into a sleep that just wouldn’t come.

His eyes burned and tears fell freely down the side of his face. It was in the haze after making himself throw up that he hated himself so much that the idea of taking care of himself seemed too kind. He didn’t deserve to rinse out his mouth and sip cool water. He didn’t deserve a hot shower and a clean bed.

He deserved to lay on the bathroom floor miserable. Maybe if he laid here long enough he’d remember this the next time he was standing in front of a vending machine or a dumpster. This is where his greedy little habit always landed him. Right here in front of the toilet with a sore throat and a throbbing middle back to skull headache.

Then, the worst thing happened.

Raph came back earlier than he had expected.

Mikey groaned and covered his face. There was no way to cover this up now. His bed was littered in dirty sticky food wrappers. God he was such a pig.

“I'm back,” Raph said, coming into the main room where they slept.

Mikey had done this in the room to the right. The one that was mostly for Klunk and Chompy while he and his brothers slept in the middle room and the room on the left had their bags and more room to spread out.

“I'm gonna take care of Chompy then I think we should go to The Lair, pick up some things if we're staying longer since we didn’t do that last night and we were supposed to do it on our way back this morning,” Raph rambled, coming into Klunk and Chompy’s room.

Where he would definitely turn on the light and see all the trash on the bed.

“Where are you-,” Raph asked as he flipped the light switch. “Shit.”

Mikey cringed and closed his eyes.

“Shit,” Raph hissed, running to the bathroom door and swinging it open. “Shit,” he repeated upon seeing Mikey.

“Leave me alone,” Mikey pleaded, dragging himself into the corner of the bathroom.

Raph knelt down next to him. “You know I can't,” he said. “How much did you eat?”

Mikey shrugged. Raph knew how much he ate and the last thing he wanted to admit to Raph was he knew down to the caloric value how much he binged. He just wanted to lay on the floor and die. That’s all he wanted. He sniffled and tucked his head behind his hands before his throat let out a nasty wet sob.

Raph gently touched his shell. Mikey cringed away from it. He was so sweaty and sticky that he didn’t want Raph to feel like he had to touch him at all.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,” Mikey blubbered, his throat aching so much from trying to talk.

“Come here,” Raph whispered, pulling Mikey out of the corner and into his arms. “It's okay Mikey, I'm not mad,” he said, holding Mikey to his chest with one arm around his shell and the other cradling the back of his head.

Mikey couldn’t resist the contact, he fully leaned onto Raph and sucked in a painful gulp of air. “You-You sound mad,” he sobbed on the exhale.

“I'm scared,” Raph said, resting his cheek on the top of Mikey’s head. “This scares me, Mikey. Fuck,” he breathed out shakily.

Mikey whimpered and squeezed his eyes shut. For a few moments he just cried against Raph. All his emotions felt painfully stuck in his chest.

“Let's get you cleaned up okay,” Raph said, shifting around to help Mikey sit up against the wall. “And we'll get some ice water. And I'll call Donnie-”

“Not Donnie.,” Mikey begged, holding dearly to Raph’s hands.

Raph grimaced. “Donnie... Needs to know,” he said.

Mikey shook his head. “He'll be mad. He'll be so mad!” Every time Mikey slipped up Donnie would sit him down and go over all the reasons binging and purging were so bad. Like Mikey didn’t know he was actively destroying himself every time he did this.

Raph snatched some toilet paper off the nearby roll and used it to wipe Mikey’s face off. His face softened and his touch was extremely light. Mikey knew he had backed Raph off for now. “We can wait and tell him when he gets back-” Raph began, stopping his compromise short when someone knocked on the main door of the middle room.

Mikey whined and gave Raph a pleading look to protect him from Donnie’s wrath. Not that Donnie was mean about it, but Mikey was very raw right now. Having Raph involved was already overwhelming him.

“Hush,” Raph said quietly. “Donnie wouldn't knock on his own room door. Stay here.”

The bathroom door was left cracked open so Mikey could hear. He bit the inside of his cheeks and hugged his legs. A tremor wriggled around his body when he heard Raph open the door.

“Donnie left his laptop and things in my room,” Leo said. “Is he around?”

Raph made that noise he makes in the back of his throat when he’s trying to figure out if he should lie or not. Mikey knows it well. That noise was usually made on his behalf.

“No he went to April's,” Raph said.

The main door closed, Mikey felt his heart beat faster.

“Where's Mikey?” Leo asked, now obviously inside the room.

“He's-”

Before Raph could cover for him, his own stupid throat let out a little cry before he stifled it with his hand. Footsteps quickly narrowed in on the source of the cry. Mikey closed his eyes just as Leo opened the bathroom door fully.

Unlike Raph, Leo didn’t curse or comment on the trash in the other room. Instead Leo gently crouched next to Mikey and placed a timid hand on his forearm. “Hey baby brother,” Leo whispered.

Leo’s soft voice had the same effect Raph’s did. Mikey headache throbbed and fat tears slipped out of his tightly closed eyes. “I'm sorry-” Mikey began, his voice so wet and tight it was barely decipherable.

“No no no Mikey. We're not mad,” Leo said, circling his thumb on Mikey’s forearm.

“We're not mad,” Raph repeated, crouching next to Leo and squeezing Mikey’s shoulder before moving to sit right next to him and give him a more encompassing hug.

With the space getting cramped Leo backed off and stood up. He hoovered closer to the door like he was anxious to leave.

“Karai stocks these rooms with heating pads and extra bedding,” Leo said. “How about I take care of the bed and Raph helps you clean up?”

Mikey tried to snort up all the snot coming out his nose before nodding into his knees. He didn’t dare budge until Raph started wiping his head and neck with a hot washcloth. He even agreed to sit on the toilet lid after more urging from Raph. His sobs dissolved into quiet hiccups and that burning embarrassment.

He was so gross to keep doing this. He just felt dirty and crusty.

“Have you guys called Donnie?” Leo asked from the other room.

Mikey looked at Raph pleadingly. He still wasn’t ready for Donnie, and Donnie was already dealing with a lot.

“I promised him we wouldn't call, but we have to tell Donnie about it when he gets back here,” Raph said.

Leo sighed. “Mikey does realize that prolonging the inevitable will only make things worse right?”

“Last night the Dream Realm was really intense for Donnie,” Raph called back, more focused on cycling back a freshened washcloth to Mikey. “He needed to go to April's to calm down. We can handle taking care of Mikey ourselves, at least until he gets back here.”

Mikey held onto the hot washcloth tightly. He was such a burden to his family. Eating their food and now wasting their time during a crisis. How could he do this to them when they had the Dream Realm and now this troubling thing about Master Splinter.

“Okay,” Leo said, not sounding convinced but maybe too tired to argue. “The bed is ready and there’s a glass of ice water on the nightstand,” he said, coming into the bathroom. “Is there anything you could eat and keep down Mikey?”

This was the first time Mikey had seen Leo today and his brain skipped a track when he saw what he was wearing. It was an entire outfit of sorts. Not like a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie to go grocery shopping, but like a tailored made pair of pants? And a shirt that fit his shell and arms well? Both articles were black but a shiny black that caught the light… perhaps silky? It seemed like the kind of thing he had seen Hamato Clan soldiers wearing when they went back in time to see their father in his human form.

Mikey realized Leo was still waiting for an answer and shook his head quickly. He didn’t want anything. Even water was out of the question. The very thought of swallowing made him so sick. He tore his eyes away from Leo and his weird clothes and brought his knees up to his chest again. He pressed his mouth into the top of his knees so hard his lips hurt. Anything to get rid of that haunting feeling of the lip of the blender being forced to his mouth. He could practically smell her. No longer sweet like ice cream, she had been sour and her guts smelled putrid.

Raph pressed his forehead on the top of Mikey’s skull. “Why are you so upset Mikey? We aren't mad. We really aren't mad,” he whispered.

Leo still stayed near the door.

“Chest hurts,” Mikey said, and it wasn’t just an excuse to not talk. His whole abdomen seemed to be mad.

“Here,” Raph said, putting a big bath towel around Mikey’s shoulders. “I know just the thing,” he said, pulling the heavy dark gray shower curtain out of the way.

Mikey held the towel around him and watched Raph prepare a bath. Even Leo came in the bathroom all the way to pull out some soap from under the sink.

The whole time Mikey couldn’t help but zone out a little. Why had he binged today, he only really got the idea after he woke up. Maybe it was hearing about Leo being drugged, or the idea that Leo had to eat things against his will. Right now Mikey felt really conflicted. Like both resentment at Master Splinter and shame were wrestling in his head. Master Splinter did what he did to try and keep Mikey from wasting precious food. It wasn’t like Master Splinter was trying to hurt him. He even came back after the fact and apologized for being so harsh.

Mikey frowned at the back of Leo’s head while he helped Raph with the bathwater, his head hurting for a lot more reasons than just the recent pukefest.

“Come here Mikey,” Raph said, taking the towel of safety away and working to undo Mikey’s foot wraps. “Let's get this gear off. The water is nice and hot.”

He nodded numbly and started working on his belt and elbow pads.

The bath did feel really good. The tub was massive. It went lower than the floor of the bathroom. It was wide too and nice and long. The hot water took the chill out of his scales and seemed to seep through his shell.

“Better?” Raph asked, keeping his hand on the top lip of Mikey’s carapace.

Mikey nodded. Yes, it was a lot better.

There was a distinct “Mrow” from Klunk as she weaved between Leo’s legs. He orange coat left a nice sample of hair on the inside of Leo’s pant legs.

“Look who's here Mikey,” Raph said, as Klunk got up on her hind legs with her front arms snug to her chest to see over the lip of the tub.

Mikey bit his lip and turned his head away.

Raph rubbed the back of Mikey’s neck. “She’s not mad at you either, you know.”

Mikey nodded, but he always wondered if Raph would be so positive about them having Klunk if he knew what happened to Ice Cream Kitty. The fact was Mikey almost did tell them all after Canker died, but when his brothers got him a kitten he feared it being taken away.

“So, what’s with the clothes?” Raph asked, pulling his hand away from Mikey’s neck and drying it off.

Leo looked down like he hadn’t realized he was wearing them. “Uh, I just had somewhere to be this morning, with Karai,” he said awkwardly.

“That appointment?” Raph asked.

Leo went stiff. “Yeah, uh, Foot Clan stuff,” Leo wet his lips.

“Right,” Raph said. “So, you’re arms okay? Donnie said he couldn’t-”

“Yeah, yep, they’re fine,” Leo said, pulling up his sleeves. “I got checked out by a nurse, it seems like I healed overnight completely.”

“Yeah, that’s what I feared,” Raph said.

Leo tilted his head. “You wanted me to stay hurt?”

“No- No, just, well, I think I know how you got healed and I dunno it’s gross, but grosser than being gross it also means Mikey was right about something,” Raph huffed, reaching to gently nuzzle the top of Mikey’s confused head. “That’s where you were licking him, remember Mikey? Because he had to take his bandages off to help Donnie?”

That wasn’t right though.

“No, you were the one licking him,” Mikey said. “You barely let me get near him-”

“No, pretty sure it was you,” Raph said, loudly, giving Mikey a strained look. “I haven’t been licking him.” He looked at Leo. “I haven’t been licking you, that’d be weird.”

“Eh, I mean, it’s expected behavior for a dog right?” Leo asked. “So what does licking do?”

“Heals,” Mikey mumbled. “Healed Donnie’s arm too and he got caught in a bear trap.”

“He got caught in a bear trap?!” Leo asked, grabbing the sides of his skull. “And he went to April’s?”

Raph held up his hand. “He was fine when we saw him, like I was saying, it’s gross but I guess spit heals.”

Leo didn’t look very relieved by this. “I’m sorry I’m not able to help you guys in there,” Leo said. “But I really just wake up not remembering anything. Do I carry knowledge into the Dream Realm?”

“What do you mean?” Raph asked.

“The first time I saw you in the Dream Realm, I was scared of you. Then we woke up and you told me you were a wolf. Then in the Dream Realm after that, did I know you were Raph because of what you had told me when we were awake?”

Mikey bit the inside of his cheeks. They should probably consider telling Leo he is a toddler in the Dream Realm.

“No, you seem to think you have been teleported away from New York and you’re trying to get back there. You keep talking about us in front of us because you don’t realize the wolves you have, uh, befriended, are your brothers.”

Leo's shoulders slumped.

“Yeah,” Raph agreed. “We’ll need to brainstorm later on it. Maybe when Donnie gets back.”

Right. Donnie would be back and well… that wouldn’t be fun. He took a shaky breath.

“Do you want me to call Leatherhead?” Leo asked. “I bet he’d be willing to come here and help you.”

“You think Karai would allow that?” Mikey asked.

“Of course,” Leo said. “I’ll call her to make sure it’ll be okay, and then I can call Leatherhead. Okay?”

“That sounds good to you Mikey? I bet Klunk would snuggle up with you,” Raph said, trying to sweeten the deal.

Mikey nodded. That did sound good. Just someone to hold him and not ask any difficult questions about why he did it.

While Leo went into the other room to do that, Raph helped Mikey get dried off. Mikey tried his hardest not to check his body to see how much fatter he had gotten. Raph also made him gargle and brush his teeth and wouldn’t let Mikey walk over to his bed by himself.

“Ice water?” Raph tried to offer him once he was sitting up in bed with a bunch of pillows behind his back.

Mikey shook his head. His stomach was feeling better but he was still queasy.

“One sip?” Raph bargained, moving the cup closer.

Mikey shook his head harder.

“Leatherhead is on his way,” Leo said, coming back into the room. “How are you feeling?”

He wanted to sob again. Everyone was being so nice to him and he really didn’t deserve it. He deserved to lay on the bathroom floor for hours alone. He deserved to starve himself for the next week. Now here he was with Raph fixing the covers around his legs just so, and Leo sitting on the very end of his bed giving him a reassuring half smile.

When this was all his fault.

“You’d think I’d stop doing this after Master Splinter caught me with baggies of chewed up food,” Mikey choked out. “But here I am, messing up again.”

Raph pinched his brows together and sat on the edge of the bed, right next to Mikey with his body pivoted away from Leo and towards him. “What did Master Splinter do?” he asked quietly.

Mikey shook his head. “I lied this morning,” he said, his throat was so tight it felt like someone was pressing their thumb there.

“Lied about what?” Raph asked.

Mikey opened his mouth but no noise came out. His whole neck had seized up. He massaged his neck with one hand and Raph held his hand until it passed enough to speak. “When Donnie asked us this morning if Master Splinter ever forced us to eat or drink something,” Mikey said, voice popping.

On the end of the bed Leo suddenly went rigid.

“It’s not your fault, whatever he made you take it’s not your fault,” Raph said, lowering his voice and tightening the grip on Mikey’s hand.

But it really was his fault. Raph just had so much hope in him. Too much.

“What did he make you take? Same stuff as Leo?” Raph asked.

“I- I need a bucket,” Mikey stammered. His stomach was burning and twisting.

Leo leapt up and got the one from the corner of the room and passed it to Raph who pushed it into Mikey’s clammy arms.

“It’s okay, Mikey, whatever it was it’s okay,” Raph tried to soothe.

“It’s not okay Raph-,” Mikey said, gripping the edges of the bucket and spitting. “He made me- he made me drink Ice Cream Kitty.”

Chapter Text

Leo’s chest seized at Mikey’s confession. His own stomach flipped ominously as his mind couldn’t help but imagine what Mikey was describing. Master Splinter forced Mikey to drink his own pet? His very first pet?

Raph was closest to Mikey and Leo stupidly looked at him for the next steps. Raph had done such a good job with Mikey earlier, Leo figured he just needed to do whatever Raph said.

But Raph was frozen with his mouth open. His hand was on Mikey’s back, but his eyes were far away.

“It's all my fault! It's all my fault she's dead!” Mikey wailed into the bucket.

Raph opened and closed his mouth, but wasn’t saying anything. Mikey needed someone to say something. This was a moment where silence would only be read as disgust and shame towards Mikey.

Leo moved forward and gestured for Raph to stand up so he could take the closer spot to Mikey. Raph stood up shakily and moved to the desk where Chompy’s tank was and pulled out the chair.

Carefully Leo offered Mikey a wad of tissues to wipe his face with and decided Mikey’s forearm was the safest thing to hold.

“What exactly happened, Mikey?” Leo asked, keeping his voice low and steady. “Tell the whole story.”

Mikey angrily wiped his face with the tissues, dropping them into the wastebasket on his lap. He shook his head back and forth.

“Where were we when this happened?” Leo asked, choosing to not let Mikey just clam up about this.

They could break the story into easy to tell pieces.

Mikey’s bottom lip trembled and he had to swallow a few times before he could answer. “Asleep,” he whispered hoarsely.

Leo nodded once. “How did it start? Did he knock on your door? Were you also asleep?” he asked.

“I was in my room, reading before bed,” Mikey explained between swallowing, his blood shot eyes looking at the wall behind Leo. “And he opened the door, and I thought he would be mad because I was reading past bedtime.”

“Right,” Leo said, squeezing Mikey’s forearm.

“But he told me to put my comic book down and join him in the kitchen for a talk,” Mikey explained.

Leo could see this in his mind. Master Splinter never knocked on their doors and he was always so quiet. “So he took you away from us, since we might hear?” Leo asked.

Not that Mikey didn’t know that, but it was evidence Master Splinter knew what he was going to do was wrong. Possibly even fearing if his other sons saw what he was going to do to Ice Cream Kitty that they would side with Mikey.

Mikey nodded. “Uhm. When I got to the kitchen he made me sit down,” Mikey explained, sniffling. “Like. He asked me to sit down and I did,” he clarified.

Leo grimaced. “Doesn't sound like a choice.”

“I guess not,” Mikey agreed after a moment.

At the desk Raph had leaned forward and put his head between his knees, trying to calm himself. Leo was grateful for that. They both likely were feeling the same things towards Master Splinter. A very strong rage was boiling in Leo’s chest but screaming and yelling wouldn’t help Mikey who truly needed some immediate compassion.

“Uhm, then he tipped this box out onto the table,” Mikey went on, this time without prompting from Leo. “It was all the food I had chewed up and spit out into sandwich baggies.”

“Okay,” Leo said, keeping his face void of any judgement.

Mikey looked embarrassed anyways. “Because, I didn't used to puke stuff up because I never swallowed it,” he explained, fiddling with the edge of the waste basket.

“Right,” Leo moved his hand from Mikey’s forearm to his blanket covered knee and offered him the glass of ice water.

Mikey took a few sips before handing the glass back to Leo who put it down on the nightstand. As soon as Leo’s hand was free Mikey shakily grabbed it waiting to see how Leo would react.

It was easy for Leo to focus on Mikey’s needs. He squeezed Mikey’s hand in response and scooted a little closer to the head of the bed so their hands could rest on top of the covers.

“He started scolding me for wasting food,” Mikey said. “I tried to tell him I took it from the trash, and I did, but not always and sometimes I would sneak off... and get things out of dumpsters,” he said, full of obvious shame.

“Okay,” Leo said quietly.

“And he said that if I was able to chew it up then the food I had gotten from the dumpster would have been good enough to bring to the lair for us,” Mikey said. “Since we had to stock up on food so you and Master Splinter could go on your trips.”

Leo’s heart sank. Suddenly Master Splinter’s extreme actions made sense. He had viewed Mikey chewing and spitting addiction as a hindrance to his time with Leo in that other dimension. A dimension where he could trade Leo for time with other little kids.

“Oh Mikey,” Leo whispered.

“He was so mad. So so so soooo mad,” Mikey said shakily. “He kept calling me fat and greedy and he like... Touched me weird?” Mikey said uncertainly. “He dragged his nails over my plastron and squeezed my throat…” Mikey shuddered.

“That's not okay,” Leo said urgently, making sure Mikey actually looked at him for this part. The way Keno made Leo look at him when he affirmed that Master Splinter was doing insanely messed up things to him. “That's highly inappropriate. You know that right?”

“But he's my dad, what was I going to say?” Mikey asked. “Tell him to stop? He'd probably hurt me more!”

Leo shook his head. “I'm not saying you should have acted differently than you did. You did nothing wrong. Master Splinter was the one whose actions were grossly inappropriate here.”

Mikey nodded.

“What happened next?” Leo asked.

“Should we be pushing him to tell us everything like this?” Raph asked, rubbing his hands over his face.

“Yes,” Leo said firmly. “Getting it out now is the best. Abuse is isolating. Telling others is freeing. Mikey, what happened next?”

Raph backed down, unsure if Leo was right but he didn’t have a better plan to volunteer. In fact he kind of looked down like he had something to consider.

“He told me a story his mom told him when he stole food,” Mikey continued. “It was about this boy and his pet dog. The boy kept stealing food. And one day he stole food from a storage area and left the door open so wild animals got in and ate all the food. So the villagers taught the boy a lesson by eating his d-dog,” Mikey stammered.

Leo grabbed more tissues for him. “Mikey, listen to me, Master Splinter made that story up,” he said sternly.

“He said his mom told him it-” Mikey started.

“He can say anything about anything and you will believe him because you have cemented him in a place of power and wisdom in your mind and he knows it,” Leo said.

In reality Leo didn’t really know if the story was true. There was an extremely small chance it was based on a true tale, but knowing how good Master Splinter was at crafting a narrative around his actions that always justified them… it didn’t sit right.

“The story was made up,” Leo said, softer. “A convenient way to kill your pet because it was a cat and he doesn't like cats, and a way to take out his anger on you for his trip with me being delayed.”

Mikey scrubbed his eyes with the tissues. “What's so special about the trips?”

Leo clenched his jaw and sat up straight. The question zapped all his confidence away.

“Sorry. I didn't-” Mikey moved the wastebasket to the side of the bed and pulled Leo by the hand closer.

Before Leo could react he was being hugged by Mikey. His breath hitched and he winced a little, but the impulse to push Mikey away wasn’t there. Normally it was involuntary that a surprise hug would end with Leo elbowing, punching, or kicking his brothers to get out of their grasp.

This time he let his shoulders drop and his body go a bit limp as he leaned against Mikey. He kept his arms at his sides though, too scared to move them.

“It's not your fault, Mikey,” Leo said. “Okay? Ice Cream Kitty died because Master Splinter is a horrible man.”

Mikey nodded into Leo’s shoulder.

“Listen to Leo, Mikey,” Raph said, meeting Leo’s gaze. “He said it better than I could have. Fucking transformed into a shrink.”

Leo gave a half smile. “I have my moments,” he said, a little embarrassed. Partly from the hug, partly for the way he kind of did go all shrink on Mikey.

“Yeah. Or you have your biweekly moments with a shrink yourself,” Raph said.

Leo grimaced.

They would know everything tonight anyways. He got his letter done, but being confronted with it now still stung.

“There was no appointment with some Foot Clan business today was there?” Raph asked.

“There wasn’t,” Leo admitted. “I lied.”

“Was it with Keno?” Mikey asked.

Now Leo did stiffen his posture. How would his brothers know about Keno?

“Who’s Keno?” Raph asked.

Leo started bouncing his knee. He nodded. “Yes, and he’s a therapist here that works for Karai on behalf of The Foot Clan.” He kept his gaze down and balled the fabric of his pants on his thighs.

“Okay,” Raph said, standing up.

Leo looked up at him cautiously. “That’s it?” he asked, fully expecting Raph to demand more out of him.

Mikey hugged him again and pulled him until he was tilted against his chest with his legs still hanging over the edge of the bed. Leo let it happen. It kind of felt nice to rest his head on Mikey’s chest while his heart hammered and his legs shook.

“Yeah. That's it,” Raph said easily, walking around to the other side of the bed and moving the waste basket before he crawled up next to Mikey. “Unless you want to say more?”

Leo bit his lip. “Not right now,” he said.

“Okay,” Raph said.

“Okay,” Leo whispered, closing his eyes and for the first time in a long time very content to just stay sitting on the bed with Mikey’s arms wrapped around him.

“Think we got enough food?” Raph asked rhetorically.

Leo huffed. “I would hope,” he said, looking down at the tray of food.

Tomato soup and saltine crackers for Mikey, and two sandwiches for himself and Raph.

Next to him in the elevator Raph was struggling to hold the plastic wrapped pig carcass up off the floor. “Why do I have to carry Leatherhead’s meal?” Raph gritted out, frustrated that the plastic food sheet had zero grip.

“Because I am wearing nice clothes,” Leo said.

It was actually really nice that he could keep these clothes on. Yes Raph and Mikey had looked a little surprised but they didn’t react badly. Leo felt safe making a few jokes about it himself.

“Why does Karai just have this anyways?” Raph asked. “And don’t tell me it’s for her.”

Leo shook his head. Though it was true Karai had things covered for herself when she was a snake mutant, that wasn’t the sole reason she had this kind of thing on hand.

“She has a few carnivorous mutants she’s working to rehabilitate,” Leo explained.

Raph frowned. “How come we’ve never seen them?”

“They’re vulnerable,” Leo said, looking down at the tray. “One is a hammerhead shark mutant and the other is a falcon mutant.”

“Damn,” Raph said. “What’s she going to do with them?”

“I don’t know. The Shredder created a lot of mutants, and they really don’t have a place to go that’s safe outside of The Foot Clan, but that doesn’t mean she wants to force them to be in The Foot Clan. It’s not their fault,” Leo said.

“How kind of her,” Raph drawled. “Didn’t know Karai was the Mother of all Mutants now.”

“Don’t let her hear you say that,” Leo warned. “She’s taking us in after all.”

And she’s always offered me a place to stay when I’ve needed it, he thought.

When they got to Raph, Donnie, and Mikey’s room there was a small issue. Raph had no free hand to type in the room code.

“Uh, what’s your code?” Leo asked, holding the tray with one hand.

“One, three, five, four, two, zero,” Raph huffed.

Leo entered the numbers and opened the door. Inside the next room over Mikey was propped up in bed with Klunk resting between his ankles. She stretched out and flexed her toes as Leo came over to Mikey with the tray of food.

Raph dropped the wrapped pig on the floor with a grunt. “Special delivery,” he said. “Try not to get blood on the carpet.”

Leatherhead’s nostrils flared. “Thank you, Raphael,” he rumbled, coming over to the pig and unwrapping the plastic sheet. He effortlessly picked off chunks of meat and put them in his mouth.

Meanwhile Mikey was giving his own lunch a weary look.

“It’s just tomato soup and some saltine crackers,” Leo said kindly, picking up Klunk and moving her to the end of the bed so Mikey could get up and eat.

Mikey sat on the edge of the bed. He took one of the saltine crackers and dipped it into the soup before popping it in his mouth and chewing slowly.

“Thanks for bringing me something hot,” he said, after he swallowed.

Leo nodded. There was no need for elaboration. He took the two submarine sandwiches off the tray and handed one to Raph.

It kind of just happened that they all ate lunch together. Leo sat on the floor, Raph sat at the desk and not so subtly kept pulling the greens off his sandwich for Chompy. Leatherhead seemed to have fallen into some post pig eating nap with his head and chest on the bed but his legs and tail on the floor.

Mikey got on Netflix and played Toy Story 3.

It was nice and calm.

But it gave Leo a lot of time to think about what had happened this morning. He touched the letter tucked in the inside pocket of his shirt just to be assured that it was still there.

“I'm going to The Lair. You want to tag along?” Raph asked, looking at Leo.

Leo glanced at Mikey and Leatherhead. Both looked really content. Mikey had one hand on Leatherhead snout and the other on Klunk’s belly. They looked safe and happy.

“Yeah,” Leo said, standing up from the wall.

“You gonna go dressed like that?” Raph asked, putting Chompy down in his tank.

Leo shrugged. “You've already seen them so why not?”

“Okay then,” Raph said.

The walk to the party wagon was silent.

Not a bad brooding silence, but the kind of silence that often settles between Raph and Leo when they’re alone. It’s never a harsh silence. It’s just there and neither of them are afraid of it.

When they get close to the party wagon Raph jingles the keys. “Do you want to-”

“You can drive,” Leo said, heading to the passenger side door. “I was going to update Donnie.”

Raph got in the driver’s seat and started the engine. “Not about Mikey right?” he asked, a bit protectively.

“No,” Leo said, pulling out his T-Phone. “Just letting him know we're heading home.”

“Cool,” Raph said.

Leo thumbed the touch screen over to his messages. There were a few new texts in the team chat, but instead of checking those he went to his private conversation with Donnie.

Leo [Wednesday, 01:45:10 PM] [sent]

What did you overhear me and Karai talking about last night?

He took a deep breath, not too deep, nothing to signal to Raph that something was going on. It was never easy being confrontational with Donnie. He took every question as an attack on his person. If Leo wasn’t one hundred percent certain Donnie eavesdropped on him then he better be ready to pick up the shattered pieces of his brother.

Next he went to the group chat and caught up. It looked like Donnie accidentally put messages in there that he meant to be just for Raph and Mikey. Which likely means there is a text group between his brothers he’s not a part of. That was fine, he always suspected so anyways.

Leo [Wednesday, 01:50:15 PM] [sent]

Hey Donnie, Raph and I are heading to The Lair. Do you want us to grab anything for you?

Now he covered his tracks. He put his phone away and looked out the heavily tinted passenger side window.

“You think your therapist would take Mikey?” Raph asked, looking at the road only.

“As a patient?” Leo asked.

“Yeah,” Raph said quietly.

Leo thought about it for a second. “I don't see why he wouldn't.”

Donnie didn’t respond before Leo and Raph arrived at The Lair. The private text Leo sent him did change from “Sent” to “Read” and that basically was an answer in itself.

Still, Leo showed nothing to Raph and they split off to collect different things. Leo went to the upstairs bedrooms and grabbed more wrappings, masks, and gear for everyone. If they were staying until this Dream Realm stuff was over then they needed more than what they had brought before.

As respectfully as Leo could he gathered up Mikey’s, Donnie’s, and his own gear into bags. It was as he got done with his own bag that he sat down on his bed and took out the letter he had written that morning to reread it.

I have struggled with how to tell you this for several months now. I have debated internally with fears of how you will view me once you become aware of what Master Splinter did to me. I debated what would happen if I told you three and you didn't believe me or if telling you would ruin any good memories you have of our father and that I shouldn't speak ill of the dead.

The fact is Master Splinter is gone, and he cannot hurt me anymore. I thought I was strong enough to process this by myself because of this, but I'm not.

To put it as plainly as possible, Master Splinter raped, molested, and assaulted me throughout our childhood. It happened behind closed doors, on exclusive trips, and in some ways in front of everyone.

I am not ready to speak about this at length. I have only recently accepted that Master Splinter was raping me and the severity of his abuse is not my fault.

However,

I feel extremely guilty for my behavior as a child. Master Splinter groomed me into performing sexual acts with him by making up a lie that I was this Destined Student. That we had this bond that involved him violating me. I fully believed this lie until Master Splinter died. Conveniently after Master Splinter's death all his knowledge did not magically transfer over to me as he said it would. This was the first time I started to question the idea of a Destined Student.

After Master Splinter died I started experiencing intense flashbacks. The frequency and physical pain they gave me pushed me to seek more information about Destined Students. I approached Karai when I was in my darkest hour. I honestly was latching onto the idea that the only way I could escape the flashbacks was to destroy the bond… or kill myself.

After Karai confirmed for me that Destined Students aren't real and the ceremonies Master Splinter was doing to me were not normal or appropriate, my world fell apart. I wanted to die. I felt hopeless. I felt isolated and scared. Karai and Shini became even closer friends and literal older sisters as they forced me to stay under their watch until I was no longer suicidal. Since that day Karai and Shini have been my safe place.

I started therapy after the time I verbally accosted April. My mood swings and immense fear and hyperfixations on Master Splinter's offerings got out of hand. While I had Karai and Shini to offer me a place to vent, I had no tools to deal with my trauma. I am truly sorry for how I have been behaving and I’m still working on it. And I will never stop working on it until I am in complete control of these emotions.

I am currently still in therapy and would like to invite you, my brothers, to a family session. I know this is a lot to drop on you guys and I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry.

-Leo

Okay, it was still hard to read and he wasn’t sure he would keep his voice for the whole letter but that’s why it was a letter. If he couldn’t read it out loud then they could read it.

Leo thumbed the stupid tears out of his eyes and set the letter on the bed next to him. “Tonight. After dinner. That’ll be when I do it,” he said shakily.

It’ll be a really rough night. He was considering not telling them today after what had happened with Mikey, but now Raph and Mikey knew he went to therapy and Donnie overheard him and Karai talking last night. He just needed to get it over with.

The sound of something being knocked over made Leo rise to his feet and draw his swords.

Donnie had said their home wasn’t compromised, but Leo wasn’t about to take chances. He silently jumped to the first floor.

“Raph? Was that you?” he asked.

“I- Yeah-” Raph called from the kitchen. “Uh-”

Leo was immediately alarmed by how confused Raph sounded. When he entered the kitchen he felt like he was walking into a nightmare. The tin of Master Splinter’s tea was on the table. The kettle was still warm and there was an empty mug on the table.

A mug.

“What did you do?!” Leo yelled, putting his sword away and hurrying around the center island to see Raph on the ground next to a toppled over stool.

“I just-,” Raph panted, his legs seemed to be paralyzed. “Fuck- Why can’t I-”

“You drank his tea?!” Leo asked. “Why on earth would you do such a stupid thing?!”

He got on his knees next to Raph and took his wrist looking for a pulse point. His pulse was high, just like Leo’s was everytime he drank the tea.

Though for Leo that high heart beat was fear of what always came next.

“I just wanted to know what’s so damn special about it!” Raph said, no longer trying to get off the floor. His breathing was shallow and fast.

Master Splinter had never given Leo more than a small teacup of the tea. Raph had a whole mug. Leo’s eyes widened as he went over the exact timeline to the effects.

“Uh, Leo, I uh-” Raph said, his face twisted uncomfortably.

Leo got up awkwardly. His back was to Raph’s lower half and he had a feeling he knew why Raph looked so humiliated.

“I’m going to avert my glance and get you a blanket,” he said.

As soon as he was out of the kitchen he hit the emergency distress button on his phone. He wasn’t sure if an overdose was possible with the tea but he didn’t want to risk it. He grabbed the thickest blanket from the pit and a cushion. To keep things as dignified as he could for Raph he backed into the kitchen and sat the way he had before.

The full effects were on Raph now. His face was slack and all he could do was blink and swallow. He had broken out into a cold sweat and he was staring anywhere but at Leo.

As carefully as Leo could he put the blanket over Raph and made sure his brother’s now forcefully exposed privates were covered before turning around to fix the blanket to cover from chest to toe. He gently lifted Raph’s head and put the pillow behind him.

Maybe Raph wouldn’t notice how hard he was trembling. Right now he had to be there for Raph because while Leo knew this passed in a few hours no one else did.

“I hit the distress button,” Leo said. He kept a hand flat on the center of Raph’s chest and looked at the fridge. “Donnie should be here soon. The tea helps you meditate.”

Leo swallowed.

“It makes certain areas really relaxed,” he added. His throat grew tighter and tighter with every word.

The tea made the drinker sexually excited. Leo had never gotten an erection from relaxing, and Raph probably hadn’t either. He felt like he was going to be sick. His mouth was watering in a weird way.

“It’s going to be okay,” Leo said, swallowing again. “It’ll pass soon, but uh, might take a few hours before you can move.”

When he looked back at Raph his brother was staring daggers at him.

Leo turned his head away, no longer able to stomach the sight of Raph. He hugged his chest and forced his hands into his sleeves so he could claw at his skin.

How could anyone convince themselves that a person in this state was consenting to anything. Raph couldn’t even make a noise. It made him sick to his stomach to remember all the times he was given the tea and told to lay down. He would never forget the feeling of his father’s hands as the tea sent horrible sensations to his cloaca. A burning that brought only fear.

He could hear his father humming in satisfaction before touching him. No ability to argue. No way to stop his body reacting. He just had to endure knowing the second he released Master Splinter would mock him. Tell him how eager he was for his cock in return. As if Leo had any control over it.

He could feel Master Splinter wrapped around him now as he lowered his head to the floor. He could feel his father's claws on his shell and the heat of his breath rasping in his earslit.

Leo worked surprisingly well under pressure. It was the silence afterwards that killed him. The moments after the fight where it was hard to function.

So once Donnie and April showed up Leo was in his element. He perfectly articulated the situation to Donnie and stressed that he didn’t know how potent Raph had made the tea.

As for Raph the most embarrassing effects of the tea were over and done with before anyone else saw. Leo just hoped Raph wouldn’t say anything to anyone about it. By covering him with the blanket he revealed that he knew the tea did that. And that was really hard to explain right now.

The three of them moved Raph to the infirmary where he could be properly monitored. Leo was quickly overwhelmed with anger when Donnie listed all his concerns with Raph being paralyzed like this. What if he puked and choked on it? Was he able to swallow? How hard was it to breathe? Would he go to the bathroom on himself?

While Donnie was doting on Raph, trying to work out a blinking system so he could answer basic questions, Leo slipped out of the room.

Master Splinter would just leave him in bed afterwards. Still paralyzed. Still completely helpless.

The horror of it was dawning on him. That had been so dangerous, he hadn’t even realized how dangerous it was. How could he? He was in his bed after all, in their locked up home.... Maybe it wasn’t that bad.

But there were times he was drugged up and in strangers beds. Sometimes with his head tilted to the side just enough to make unfortunate eye contact with another kid in the same predicament.

“Leo!” Mikey came running up to him. “ Where’s Raph?”

Leo pointed to the infirmary. He felt very dizzy. He needed to go sit down. He needed to get this weird pressure off his chest.

“Leonardo, are you alright?” Leatherhead asked.

Leo nodded and waved him off. He just needed to sit down. That’s all he needed. He stumbled to the pit and sat on the floor drawing his knees so his chest, breathing harshly.

Despite Leo brushing Leatherhead away he sat down nearby. “Do you mind if I stay with you?” he asked.

Leo shook his head between gasping breaths. He rocked himself back and forth like that could shake every horrible memory out of his head.

But it never did.

Donnie [Wednesday, 03:54:15 PM]

I eavesdropped on you and Karai last night.

Donnie [Wednesday, 03:58:38 PM]

I regretted doing so as soon as I heard about the drawing in your sketchbook.

Donnie [Wednesday, 03:59:59 PM]

I am very sorry. It was wrong of me to do and I deeply regret it.

Leo [Wednesday, 04:01:11 PM][read]

What did you hear exactly?

Donnie [Wednesday, 04:03:02 PM]

That there is a drawing of someone who raped you in your sketchbook. And that someone when they did it was also a child.

Leo [Wednesday, 04:03:57 PM][read]

Okay.

Leo [Wednesday, 04:04:15 PM][read]

Did you tell Mikey and Raph about that?

Donnie [Wednesday, 04:04:18 PM]

No.

Leo [Wednesday, 04:05:21 PM][read]

But you told them about the peyote?

Donnie [Wednesday, 04:05:25 PM]

Yes.

Donnie [Wednesday, 04:09:43 PM]

I needed to know if it was happening to anyone else.

Leo [Wednesday, 04:09:59 PM][read]

Was it?

Donnie [Wednesday, 04:10:01 PM]

No.

Donnie [Wednesday, 04:12:15 PM]

I won’t tell them about what I overheard.

Leo [Wednesday, 04:12:30 PM][read]

Sure.

Donnie [Wednesday, 04:12:50 PM]

I’m so sorry.

By sheer will Leo had managed to get himself together enough to relocate to the bathroom. Between the washing machine and the sink he curled up with the cellar spiders and read things on his phone.

There was blood in his mouth from where he’d chewed and picked at the raw skin on his lips. There was a headache in his chest and wrapped tightly around his heart. Everything screamed for safety but there was nothing safe about their home. Not when he was overwhelmed and half convinced Master Splinter was alive and going to bust in the room any moment.

“Leo?”

A soft knock was enough to make him jump, but it was only April.

“Y-Yes?” Leo said, rubbing his wet eyes and feeling the floor for his mask.

“Raph wants to see you,” she said.

Leo sniffled and brought himself out from under the sink. “Okay, I’ll be there soon,” he said, turning on the water to wash his face.

There was no taking away the red in his eyes, but his mask covered up the puffiness. He came out of the bathroom and walked by the pit where everyone was sitting. They all looked at him but he could barely look back.

In the infirmary Raph was propped up in bed. He turned his head towards Leo when he entered so he must have been getting some of his control back.

Leo swallowed more. Raph’s face was pretty blank but he knew what questions were coming next.

Raph pointed to the seat next to his bed and Leo complied, legs bouncing as soon as he sat down. He felt so sick and shaky.

“I didn’t tell Donnie about the one thing,” Raph said. “You won’t either right?”

Leo shook his head.

“You’ve had that very same tea?” Raph asked.

Leo nodded, staring at his feet.

“Does it give you an erection?” Raph asked quietly.

Leo bit his lip again. If he lied he would hurt Raph. And then later his letter would make no sense.

He nodded.

“Leo, why was Splinter making you drink tea that paralyzes you and gives you an erection?” Raph asked.

Leo was going to puke. It was licking the back of his throat.

“And if you can’t answer that, can you tell me anything that will make me feel like I don’t need to tell Donnie?” Raph asked. “Because that’s a really weird punishment.”

There was no explanation. Raph practically had all the answers.

“In the end, we can only do what we feel we have to do,” Leo said. “If you have to tell Donnie then y-you have to tell Donnie.”

Raph took a shaky inhale. “O-okay. Then I’m going to text Donnie to come in here, and we’re going to talk about it, okay?”

Leo nodded. He felt the inside breast pocket of his shirt and realized too late he had left the letter up in his bedroom.

Chapter Text

Raphael [Wednesday, 04:12:50 PM]

Can you come here?

Donatello closed his phone screen and put it back on his belt. This was going to be rough. He saw how Leonardo looked coming out of the bathroom… and he knew why.

When Leatherhead informed him of Leonardo hyperventilating before staggering his way to the bathroom, Donatello knew in the pit of his stomach that he had let his brother down. While being so concerned about Raphael he hadn’t put anyone on making sure Leonardo was okay. Someone should have brought him somewhere quiet and tried to help him calm down.

But no one did.

Upon entering the infirmary he immediately saw Leonardo shaking like a leaf. This wasn’t good at all. This was way too much stress for someone in Leonardo’s feet wrappings.

“There’s something we need to talk about,” Raphael said, still sounding very weak.

Leonardo continued to tremble as Donatello sat on the bed.

“Okay, what is that?” Donatello asked.

He wasn’t looking at Raphael as he spoke about the tea. Some words filtered in and out but it was drowned out by Donatello’s own thoughts. A boiling anger poured through his chest. Master Splinter used this tea to paralyze Leonardo for long periods of time. He used it as a punishment. They were talking at nauseum about a punishment Leonardo is so affected by he has to systematically offer the punishment tea to their dead father just to get rid of it.

“Stop,” Donatello ordered suddenly, cutting Raphael off right as he was about to say whatever he was working up to. “Stop talking.”

Raphael stopped. “But there’s a symptom I didn’t tell you about-”

“I don’t care,” Donatello said swiftly, getting off the bed. “This is not okay,” he told Raphael, pointing to Leonardo. “I know you just had a scary incident with the tea, I know you need to talk about it. I know we all want answers but not while he’s vibrating in his chair,” he said firmly.

Slowly Raphael nodded, his own face pinching in pain at Leonardo’s state.

“Leo,” Donatello said, much softer. He crouched down next to Leonardo’s chair. “Do you want help getting up to your room?”

Leonardo didn’t respond. He kept his white knuckle grip on his pants and his eyes closed. Donatello started planning out how they could best deal with an anxiety attack, because it looked like once again nobody had spoken up soon enough for Leonardo. It was also unlikely that Leonardo had his medication on him.

Donatello would need to talk about getting that script so Leonardo could have his meds at The Lair too.

Finally he nodded and stood up. “S-Sorry,” Leonardo stuttered at Raphael.

“It’s okay, Don’s right, just, we all need a break,” Raphael said, giving a nod to Donatello.

Whatever Raphael wanted to talk about would have to wait and he looked like he was okay with that. Raphael seemed to understand the gravity even if he didn’t know exactly what Donatello knew.

Donatello turned his attention to Leonardo and hovered nearby as he walked towards the doors.

Then Leonardo paused holding his stomach. “I think I’m going to be sick,” he said miserably, turning around and quickly walking to the bathroom in the infirmary with his hand clamped over his mouth.

Donatello closed his eyes and cursed several times as Leonardo closed himself into the bathroom and started retching. That was the exact stress he was trying to avoid.

He gathered up some towels and set them outside the bathroom.

“Call Karai,” Raphael said, barely able to lift himself off his pillows. “We’re way out of our comfort zone.”

“Right-” Donatello said.

Even if Raphael didn’t know it, he was right. Karai was also obviously very aware of Leonardo’s rape if she was talking about it with him. She had paved the way for him to get something to deal with severe panic attacks. A prescription in his name. Therapy. Donatello could never do that.

“Don’t call Karai,” Leonardo coughed from the bathroom. “I’m fine.”

Donatello shared a look with Raphael before silently walking to the bathroom door. His heart rolled over painfully as he heard Leonardo’s rasping breath.

He wasn’t fine. He was hyperventilating.

“Just go in there,” Raphael mouthed.

Donatello felt frozen. Was opening the door another invasion of privacy? Or was turning his head away and letting his brother experience a terrifying anxiety attack alone worse?

But that’s what they always did. They always looked the other way when Leonardo showed crystal clear signs of trauma.

When he displayed all the classic symptoms of sexual abuse they had turned away not sure how to deal with it or even if they wanted to.

And Donatello was tired of being a bad brother.

“Leo, can I come in please?” he asked, leaning his head against the old wooden door scoured from an alleyway years ago.

He had to wait a full three seconds before Leonardo said something that sounded close enough to a yes before heaving again.

The sight of him was pretty miserable. Donatello took one of the large towels and draped it around Leonardo’s trembling shoulders. He flushed the toilet. He got a cup and filled it with tap water so Leonardo could rinse out his mouth and carefully wiped the sweat from his face.

“Do you think some pepto bismol would help?” Donatello asked, crouching next to Leonardo. He dared to have his hand on Leonardo’s towel covered back in a very awkward attempt to be comforting. Leonardo cautiously tolerated it. “Then maybe lay down in your room upstairs?”

Leonardo nodded, still taking sharp inhales and swallowing air.

“Okay,” Donatello said, squeezing Leonardo’s shoulder as he stood. “I’ll be right back.”

It took a little coaxing that Donatello wasn’t used to directing towards Leonardo before he got him upstairs. Donatello figured Leonardo’s room would be a quiet place for him to calm down and let his stomach settle. He made sure Leonardo was in bed, had water, a plate of saltine crackers, and his phone nearby before getting ready to leave.

Donatello tried to be real careful about how he touched his brother. Never lower than the upper back. He opted to squeeze hands over trying to hug him.

He really wanted to hug Leonardo.

Once he had done everything he could think to do he started to leave. It pained him because he wasn’t sure if leaving Leonardo alone was the best. Really he should have some company so he didn’t just lay in bed thinking about everything too hard.

“Thanks, Donnie,” Leonardo said, (with a croaky voice commonly heard in those who have recently vomited), as Donatello turned to the door.

“You’re welcome,” Donatello said, with a worried smile. “I love you, Leo.”

“I love you too, Donnie,” Leonardo said, closing his eyes.

With that Donatello closed the door and headed downstairs. At least Leonardo didn’t hate him for eavesdropping. That meant he hadn’t messed up beyond repair.

He still loves me. He doesn’t hate me. I haven’t ruined everything.

April and Michelangelo jumped up to get the details as soon as he reached the bottom of the staircase.

“He’s in bed,” Donatello said before they could even ask. “Resting and hydrating the way you should be,” he lightly scolded Michelangelo before dropping into a more serious expression. “We need to talk about the topic of Master Splinter.”

“What’s going on?” April asked.

“It’s…” Donatello had to be careful. “Between me and my brothers for now.”

“Master Splinter was shit,” Michelangelo said suddenly.

Donatello looked at him shocked.

“Anyone who paralyzes their kid to punish them is messed up,” Michelangelo said.

“Punish?” April asked. “You mean that tea Raph drank, Master Splinter used to have you guys drink that to punish you? D, that’s-”

“Not all of us,” Michelangelo said. “Just Leo,” he said firmly.

“Yes- yes,” Donatello stammered, taken aback by how fiercely Michelangelo was speaking. Never in his life had he heard his little brother speak with such venom towards Master Splinter.

He knew if Michelangelo and Raphael were aware of the rape Master Splinter attempted to cover up they would firmly back up Leonardo. Though, convincing Leonardo of that wouldn’t be a walk in the park. Master Splinter must have told Leonardo something to make him keep it a secret, something that would make him ashamed or embarrassed.

It must have happened when Leonardo was fairly young given when his aversion to touch began.

“I think the three of us need to talk in private,” Donatello said, giving a regretful smile to his girlfriend.

April nodded. “Whatever you need D,” she said. “I was thinking I could grab us all dinner?”

In that moment he loved her so much. Dinner had escaped his mind and there was no way they were moving Raphael back to Karai’s while he was still so weak. Michelangelo could make them something but he wasn’t doing much better than Raphael or Leonardo.

“I think I will come with,” Leatherhead offered. “It will be best for you to all speak privately.”

Donatello nodded. “Thank you both for understanding,” he said.

“No problem,” April said, walking backwards out of the lair next to Leatherhead. “Text me what you want from McDonalds.”

Once they left Donatello followed Michelangelo into the infirmary where Raphael was daring to sit up and swing his legs over the edge of the bed.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Donatello hissed, walking over to him quickly before he could hurt himself.

“I have to use the toilet, man,” Raphael groaned.

Donatello stiffened, changing his tune immediately. “Alright, let’s help you to the toilet,” he said, gesturing for Michelangelo to help him.

Together they helped Raphael stagger to the bathroom like a newly born baby deer. Every awkward step was hard to watch. Was this what Leonardo went through? What did he do when he had to go to the bathroom? Crawl? Go on himself and clean it up?

Leonardo wet the bed until- well actually Donatello was almost certain Leonardo still wet the bed sometimes. He just did his own laundry these days and still used that plastic protection sheet for his mattress. That was morbid to think about.

“I can take it from here,” Raphael said as they lowered him on the toilet. “You two watching me go to the bathroom would be the second most embarrassing thing that has happened today.”

Donatello frowned, not sure what that meant. “Just, holler when you’re done,” he said, backing out of the bathroom with Michelangelo.

“I think Splinter was abusing Leo on those special trips,” Michelangelo said immediately, grabbing Donatello’s wrist tightly.

“You do?” Donatello asked.

“Yeah, so get this, I binged this morning and Raph caught me purging,” Michelangelo said, all too easily.

Donatello cringed. He hated when Michelangelo purged. That was so horribly dangerous. Bulimia was riddled with long term health consequences and it was gut wrenching the way Michelangelo so casually talked about it.

“I know I know, I’m bad, but uh, I kind of broke down and told Raph and Leo about what made me start purging,” he said, sitting on the end of the infirmary bed.

Donatello swallowed. “Oh,” he breathed, coming to sit next to Michelangelo.

“Because, I just used to chew food up and spit it into baggies. Master Splinter found the baggies, got mad at me, and made me eat Ice Cream Kitty to teach me a lesson-”

“HE WHAT?” Donatello yelled, his lunch was crawling up his throat.

“No, listen to me, he was mad because I was eating food he needed to collect so he could leave us alone and take Leo on one of those special week-long trips,” Michelangelo said, holding Donatello’s shoulders. “He was so mad that I was delaying his special trip with Leo, that he made me eat my own cat, D.”

Donatello opened and closed his mouth. Another thing he had missed. Michelangelo’s problems with food were born from trauma and he had been blind to it.

“Do you understand what I am saying?” he asked again. “He was so mad at me for delaying him that he made me eat my own cat.”

Donatello nodded, tears flooding his eyes. “Mikey that’s awful, I’m so sorry.”

“No, Donnie, if he was that mad, then what the hell was he doing to Leo?” Michelangelo asked.

The thought came on so suddenly Donatello rushed to reject it, then a horrible guilt swam around him for even having such an idea.

What if Master Splinter didn’t just cover up Leonardo being raped by another child. What if he actually had something to do with it? What if that was what those trips were for. It certainly couldn’t be a human child, but Master Splinter did speak of worlds with other types of evolved beings.

He felt sick and woozy to his stomach.

“Fuck,” he breathed. “Fuck.”

“I think Master Splinter is a bad guy, a really really bad guy,” Michelangelo said.

“I do too,” Raphael said, coming out of the bathroom and steadying himself against one wall.

Michelangelo went over to help Raphael to the bed. Time was doing a lot to help Raphael but he was still very weak.

Unable to fight or defend himself.

Together Donatello and Michelangelo re-situated Raphael so he was bundled in blankets and propped up with pillows. The only time Donatello had seen one of his brothers so weak was when Leonardo was coming out of his coma. There were a few days where he couldn’t move and needed everything done for him, and sometimes he couldn’t even respond to anything so they were left to try and guess what positions were the most comfortable and what touch was okay.

They found out the hard way that taking care of Leonardo’s bathroom needs when he was unconscious was way easier on their own psyche. Helping their brother when he was awake and just unable to do anything for himself… fully aware of his situation… it still stung.

“The crazy thing is, it wasn’t until Leo went shrink on me that I even realized what Master Splinter made me do was wrong,” Michelangelo said. “I thought he had a point. I thought, well, he still loves me right? He might not really ever say it but he has to love me, right? And I even forgave him.”

“That’s how abuse works Mikey,” Donatello said. “To me it is insane that you ever talked to him again.”

“Well, there’s no excuse for this tea,” Raphael muttered. “I don’t know what to think.”

They sat in silence for a second. Donatello never did hear about that other symptom Raphael had with the tea. He probably should ask-

“Do you think it is possible there were no private lessons?” Michelangelo asked. “And that’s why he keeps refusing to teach us? Because there’s nothing to teach.”

“Then what was he doing with Master Splinter instead?” Raphael asked.

Donatello carefully looked at both his brothers before standing up. “Full disclosure, I know something I cannot repeat. What I overheard combined with the knowledge of what that tea does, the peyote use, and Master Splinter’s extreme reaction to having his week away with Leo delayed… We need to be super careful.”

“He sees a therapist,” Raphael said, continuing with little regard to what Donatello was saying. “That’s who Keno is, and that’s why he goes off to Karai’s compound every two weeks.”

“He told me he is not in a relationship with Karai,” Donatello added. “I think we made the wrong assumption. I think he has literally just been going to them for therapy and help.”

Michelangelo and Raphael both nodded.

“And I think it’s very likely Karai and maybe even Shini know everything, and we’ve horribly misread the situation,” Donatello continued.

“So what do we do?” Michelangelo asked.

“We should talk about it,” Donatello said. “Maybe even look into therapy for ourselves. I’m here if either of you need to talk.”

Michelangelo nodded, tucking his chin down. “I wish I had said something sooner about Master Splinter,” he said miserably. “I was so embarrassed. I still am. I knew it was gross and wrong to chew up the food and spit it out. And I thought you guys would be disgusted if you knew I ate her- I puked her up- but he made me drink all of her- so-”

Raphael beckoned Michelangelo over to him. “Come here, you aren’t disgusting Mikey.”

Michelangelo dutifully crawled to Raphael and snuggled up next to him, wrapping his arms around Raphael’s middle and burying his head into his plastron.

“Abusers use embarrassment to their advantage,” Donatello said. “Hard to tell a teacher that the playground bully gave you a wedgie so bad you wet yourself. If an abuser can convince their victim that speaking out will only result in bad things happening to them… like rejection from their peers for example, well then they can get away with anything.”

He stood up to retrieve his white board on wheels. Something nagged the back of his brain. Everytime he ever got too nosey with Master Splinter he was accused of being inappropriate.

Hell, he looked back at Michelangelo and Raphael snuggled close on the bed. Maybe this exact moment wasn’t the perfect time to pose this question but…

“Did Master Splinter ever accuse either of you of trying to be sexual with any of us?” he asked.

Raphael’s eyes went wide.

“Yeah, he told me if I got together with Leatherhead then I couldn’t be around you guys,” Michelangelo said. “Because then I might have sex with you.”

Donatello grimaced. “Well, we know he was homophobic. Part of the reason I waited until he died to come out as bisexual,” he turned his attention to Raphael who had gone noticeably quiet.

“Did he ever do that to you?” Michelangelo asked.

“Well, yes, but I always got the impression from Master Splinter that he didn’t like me,” Donatello said carefully, because he could just be projecting his low self esteem. “I always just thought our personalities clashed. I am the atheist of the family, and I knew my constant questions and lack of spirituality really bothered him… but there were a few times where he’d make wild accusations about my motives. He was horrified when I drew an anatomical drawing of our form because it included the reproductive system.”

Master Splinter had confiscated the drawing and put Donatello on a better task of fixing the drain in the kitchen. Even though he didn’t have the proper tools to fix the sink. He ended up slicing open his fingertips trying to get rusty bolts out of the back wall with just his hands.

“He was adamant that I had used one of you as a model, and even once I told him I had explored myself he went into a spiel about how masturbation was dishonorable,” Donatello sighed. “I felt awful.”

Raphael nodded and knotted up the hem of his blanket.

“You doing okay Raph?” Donatello asked.

“Yeah- Just- Yeah. I’m good,” he said, not looking up.

“Did Splinter ever accuse you of being inappropriate?” Michelangelo asked, looking up at him.

Raphael opened and closed his mouth a few times. He shifted in bed and shook his head. His posture and unusual quietness irked Donatello.

He had a lot of thoughts tumbling around in his head, but now he couldn’t help but think of how when people feel cornered or found out they throw accusations of what they're guilty of right back at their accuser. The cheating husband always accuses their wife of being too friendly with strangers.

And here Master Splinter was accusing at least two of his sons of sexually abusing the others.

Donatello didn’t like this train of thought at all, and he really didn’t like the way Raphael was getting obviously more uncomfortable with the situation.

“You guys,” Donatello said quickly. “I think we’re treading into dangerous water. Talking is great if we want to, but I don’t think any of us should feel obligated to speak about their experiences.”

Michelangelo made a concerned face. “Then we need to let Leo know we don’t need to know anything about the private lessons.”

“Right,” Donatello agreed, his throat tightening.

“Can we talk about something else?” Raphael asked. “It’s been a rough day.”

“Of course,” Donatello said, tapping the white board. “I think we need to start by figuring out the rules of this Dream Realm.”

“Like how those Kraang Farmers were growing Duracell batteries?” Michelangelo asked.

“Yes,” Donatello said. The marker squeaking against the white board as he wrote. “The more we know about this world the better.”

Raphael’s mood improved when they changed the subject of conversation to the Dream Realm. He was more than happy to talk about the river and the trees and where he first woke up.

By the time April and Leatherhead were back with dinner the white board was filled with everything they could remember from the Dream Realm. Casey joined them during the chaos of getting all the food plated up. He was horrified he had missed the calls and texts and went immediately to Raphael’s bedside.

“Do you want me to go tell Leo that dinner is here?” Michelangelo asked. “Or should we leave him be?”

Donatello drew his lips into a firm line. “You can go tell him his meal is on the counter, but just knock on his door and-” he frowned. “Actually, just bring it to him, let’s not make him feel forced into coming out here. Especially now that we have April, Casey, and Leatherhead joining us.”

“It’s okay, Donnie,” Leonardo said, walking through the kitchen curtain. “I heard Casey when he got here and decided I have moped in my room long enough.”

In his hands was a trifolded piece of paper, held nervously between his fingers.

“Hey big bro,” Michelangelo chirped. “Your dinner is on the counter, burger, fries, pop.”

“Thanks Mikey,” Leonardo said, slipping the paper back in his shirt.

Donatello was only just now able to take in Leonardo’s attire. The clothes looked custom made to fit him and he could easily imagine Karai had tailors to make Leo properly fitting articles.

“I’m gonna go bring Raph and Casey their dinner,” Michelangelo said, balancing plates on his wrists as he backed out of the kitchen.

Donatello finished balling up his burger wrapper and threw it in the trash. “How are you feeling, Leo?” he asked gently.

“I’m okay, I drank the water and I ate the crackers, so, uh, thanks,” Leonardo said, pulling his food out of the bag.

“Good,” Donatello said. “I was thinking maybe we could talk to Karai about getting you another bottle of your medication to keep here, in case of emergencies.”

Leonardo froze. “Yeah, that might be a good idea.”

Donatello cleared his throat. “Well, we’re all eating in the infirmary if you want to join us,” he said.

“Okay,” Leonardo nodded.

They left it there. Donatello felt pretty awful for Leonardo. It must be very awkward now but Donatello did keep his promise. Raphael and Michelangelo didn’t know anything. April, Leatherhead, and Casey knew even less.

Inside the infirmary the topic was no longer on the Dream Realm, it was on Casey who was dismayed because his doctor refused his request for a double mastectomy. It was ridiculous seeing as Casey had been presenting as a male since before the turtles even met him. Casey was very obviously a male human and his doctor was just being negligent.

“Could you get a different doctor?” April asked. “My first gynecologist wouldn’t let me get an IUD, but my new one did. Some doctors need to lose patients.”

Casey shrugged. “This is the one my insurance covers. I need to get it done while I am still on my dad’s healthcare plan, but he isn’t so great at really understanding why I want the surgery so badly.”

“He doesn’t get why a boy doesn’t want breasts?” April asked, shaking her head.

“He said I barely have boobs at all so I should be okay with binding and testosterone. But I want to take my shirt off at the beach one day,” Casey said. “I dunno, probably stupid.”

“It’s not stupid,” Raphael said, reaching over to take Casey’s hand.

Casey smirked. “I don’t think I should be taking advice on what is or is not stupid from the guy who drank knock out tea.”

Everyone chuckled at that as Raphael crossed his arms and scowled. They were making light of it now, but dread still pooled in Donatello’s stomach. If they knew what he suspected they wouldn’t be laughing.

Leonardo entered the infirmary after Casey’s jab, Donatello hoped he hadn’t heard anything.

“Hey, nice clothes,” Casey said, as Leonardo edged closer to Raphael’s bed.

They were quick to make a spot for him, pulling up another folding chair for him to sit on.

“I was doing some things with Karai,” Leonardo explained hastily. “She likes it when I appear more professional.”

Casey didn’t realize it was a lie. “Well you look good in them.”

“Thanks,” Leonardo said cautiously before turning his attention to Raphael. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” Raphael said. “I’m only in bed still because you know Donnie, he wants to be extra cautious.”

Another lie but Donatello nodded. “We should still be able to go back to Karai’s tonight.”

“Yeah, oof,” April pulled out her cellphone and frowned at the screen. “Speaking of which, I have to get going.”

“Right,” Donatello said, standing up. “I can walk you out.”

“Is it okay if I stay a bit longer?” Casey asked.

“You could stay the night,” Raphael said, seeming anxious at the idea of Casey leaving now. “We got an extra bed.”

Donatello paused. He had a small heart attack at the idea of both Raphael and Michelangelo bunking with their boyfriends. That left Donatello alone, which was fine, and reasonably they were only a room away. So it’s ridiculous that he’s even feeling so awful about this.

“I dunno, whenever I stay the night with you, you end up keeping me up until the crack of dawn and I got hockey practice tomorrow morning and it’s early,” Casey said. “Real early.”

“I won’t keep you up…,” Raphael tried to say, but he caught Donatello's nervous expression and dropped his flirting. “Actually maybe you should go, the doors at Karai’s place aren’t exactly soundproof-”

“And that’s my cue to leave,” April said, standing up.

“Not without a goodbye hug!” Michelangelo said, jumping up to squeeze April.

“Alright alright,” April laughed, then she saw Casey coming over to her and rolled her eyes. “You too huh Jones?”

“Yeah,” Casey said. “Stressful damn day.”

The humans parted, and Donatello hid his concern over other people hugging April. It wasn’t like hugs would make her suddenly leave him for someone else. She even went to hug Raphael where he was propped up in bed.

She and Leonardo kept their distance but shared an awkward nod and smile before she took Donatello’s hand and they headed out.

“So where’s Metalhead?” she asked, leaning into him as they walked.

His brothers and Casey might get friendly hugs but it should be noted by anyone taking notes that Donatello was the one getting hugs, kisses, and the occasional heavy petting.

However tonight he wouldn’t be enjoying any of those things. There was a stone in his gut the size of Manhattan itself and he couldn’t ignore it. He couldn’t just turn his head away from what was right.

“He’s at Karai’s compound,” Donatello said, focused on something else entirely.

“Well remember I have weekend custody,” April said.

Donatello squinted. “You helped weld one of his calf plates and that entitles you to weekends with my robot son?”

“Our robot son,” April corrected. “Also he’s really good at helping me find sources for my research papers. So unless you want to… hey? Is there something wrong?”

Donatello bit his bottom lip. “Sorry, I just, there is so much going on and I can barely take it and it’s hard to even laugh at anything-”

“Donnie it’s okay,” April said, stopping them at the ladder to her manhole cover. “I get it, I was just- I was just trying to lighten the mood.”

“I know and thank you,” Donatello said, taking a deep breath. “I just- There is no way we are even through the worst part of what’s going on and I feel like I’m the only one who really understands how bad this is, and April it’s so b-bad, it’s so bad it’s making me sick-”

He really didn’t want to cry on April right then, but tears blurred his eyes and she pushed forward to hug him hard and he dissolved. He clung to her hard, probably hard enough to leave a mark but she didn’t say anything. She just rubbed his sides and let him sob it out.

By the time he was done crying his skull was throbbing and his sinuses were packed with snot. April’s hair was messed up and her shirt was stretched from where he had his hands balled up in it.

“You know next week there’s a Science Fair,” April whispered. “Maybe you and I should do something to get away from this.”

Donatello's thoughts raced.

Sadly I can’t run, not while my brothers are still trapped and drowning.

Not while Leonardo is hanging on by a thread.

He coughed.

“Okay, maybe,” Donatello sniffled. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry for crying.”

“It’s okay Donnie,” April said, pulling back just enough to look at him. “Fuck I do not feel okay leaving you alone tonight.”

As much as he would like to crawl up this ladder and follow April home he knew he couldn’t.

“I have Raph-” he started to say, only to stop dead in his tracks.

If this was how Donatello felt, imagine how Leonardo felt. And Leonardo normally never had someone to sleep in his bed or in his room when he was in emotional distress. Whether that be a partner (which he had wrongly assumed was Karai) or a brother (and he had pushed all of them away.)

No wonder he grabbed Donatello’s hand last night.

He was touch starved.

“April, I need you to text Raph and Casey and tell them to stay the night at Karai’s, and tell them not to let Leo know about those texts,” Donatello said.

“Wait, why?” April asked.

“Because I really need to talk to Leo alone tonight, about Raph,” he added to keep her from the real reason. “And if Raph and Mikey are bunking with their respective boyfriends I can bunk with Leo and get some time to talk with him.”

April looked confused. “Uh, okay,” she said. “If you’re sure?”

“I’m sure,” Donatello said, nodding firmly.

“Okay, I love you D,” April whispered.

They shared a quick kiss before she went up the ladder leaving Donatello to try and cover up the signs of his sobbing before returning home.

When Donatello returned there were still remnants of conversation going on but things had died down now that everyone had eaten. Now Donatello was starting to feel worn down and he could see the shadows of fatigue in Raphael and Michelangelo’s eyes.

Meanwhile Leonardo seemed to embody it, sitting further away from the bed than anyone and mostly focused on that piece of folded paper he kept taking out of his shirt then putting back.

Of course when Donatello sat next to Leonardo he quickly moved the paper to his shirt and crossed his arms.

“So is that the Dream Realm?” Leonardo asked, gesturing to the board.

“Uhm, yeah,” Donatello said, feeling red.

Donatello wasn’t an artist. His years drawing anatomical illustrations and schematics made him good at drawing flat pictures that usually got his point across. However these dry erase marker drawings were crude and hastily done from his memory and any notes his brothers could supply.

“I wish I could remember it,” Leonardo said, standing up to look more closely and conveniently putting some space between himself and Donatello.

At that moment Raphael and Casey’s phone buzzed.

Thank you April.

“Yeah, it might make things a little easier,” Michelangelo chuckled.

Leonardo had gone silent. Donatello braced himself for some critique on his drawings. He probably shouldn’t have even tried to draw. All his brothers were so much better with art. Leonardo was amazing with his compositions, and Michelangelo was great with spray paint. While Raphael would never admit it he had amazing sewing, embroidery, and knitting skills.

What could Donatello do? None of that.

“These look like things I used to draw,” Leonardo said, frowning. “I mean… you guys didn’t look through my sketchbooks right?”

Donatello shook his head, but he felt guilty anyways.

He wanted to look in Leonardo’s sketchbooks so badly.

“No man,” Michelangelo said. “We wouldn’t do that to you, we know they’re personal.” He glanced at Donatello.

Leonardo turned to give them an uncertain grimace. “Then I think maybe the reason I don’t remember the Dream Realm is because… I made it. These are all things I’ve drawn. Just, well, they don’t look this good.”

At that Donatello cocked his head. “What do you mean, these drawings are crude at best,” Donatello said.

“I guess I’ll have to show you,” Leonardo said. “But all my sketchbooks are in my room at Karai’s compound.”

Thanks to April’s texts Casey suddenly decided he was going to stay with them at Karai’s place. However the party wagon wasn’t big enough for Leatherhead, and since Leonardo wasn’t fond of showing Casey or Leatherhead his personal drawings they decided to split up.

The brothers took the party wagon back to Karai’s while Leatherhead and Casey walked through the sewers to the Mutanimal base. From there one of the Mutanimals would give them a ride to Karai’s in a vehicle that could accommodate Leatherhead’s size.

When they got to Leonardo’s room it was a little awkward. He kept reminding them that the drawings were stupid little imaginations of his. He was practically shaking as he pulled out his sketchbooks. These were very old one. Composition notebooks with thin paper. The books themselves were warped from Leonardo’s excessive use of water based makers and cheap crayons.

Leonardo was extremely cautious about what he showed them. He used pieces of blank paper to censor things he didn’t want them to see. It only made Donatello more and more curious.

“This is eerie,” Raphael said, which was exactly Donatello’s thoughts too.

The drawings were crude and Leonardo had repeatedly told them he was around seven or eight when he made them. Still the thick tree forests and the vast golden hills all looked like the Dream Realm. Even more fantasy landscapes were drawn that they hadn’t seen like floating islands and mushroom forests. Cliff sides made of gems and jewels and the animals…

“Wow,” Michelangelo breathed, as Leonardo turned the page and there were several animals made from combinations of other animals.

There was a chameleon combined with a chimpanzee. It had the head of a chimp and it’s front arms were of a chimp, but its body from the chest down was a chameleon. The long green tail coiled around the branch it was hanging from.

More combos were done just as tastefully. It seemed Leonardo loved to make little animal combinations and he even gave them names. Chimpleon for the chimpanzee and chameleon combination. Capynary for the canary and capybara hybrid. Bumbletoad for the yellow and black striped toad.

“Yeah, it was stupid,” Leonardo admitted, flipping to the next page. “Oh crap-”

Some pages fell out of the sketchbook and being paper it sadly caught a small draft and scattered around the floor face up.

“Wait- don’t look at those-” Leonardo rushed forward to get them off the ground.

“Dude, that’s us,” Michelangelo said, pointing to the picture of familiar black and white wolves.

Leonardo froze. “What?” he asked. “Wait Mikey don’t turn that over-”

But it was too late, Michelangelo was already flipping the page over before Leonardo could stop him. Leonardo snatched the page out of his hands but Michelangelo had seen whatever there was to see and gone deathly quiet.

“Sorry Leo,” Michelangelo said, looking down.

Leonardo stood stiffly, looking down and holding the page to his chest so the side Michelangelo had seen wasn’t visible. He stopped trying to pick up the pages on the floor and to Donatello’s shame and great curiosity he looked down wanting to soak up as much as he could.

There were a lot of drawings with these wolves.

And so many of them had a little green turtle with swords and a mask with them. At Raphael’s feet there was even one illustration where a tiny Leonardo was riding one of the wolves like a horse into battle. What they were charging towards must have been on another page.

Raphael bent down to pick up the page, transfixed. “I think we have our answers,” he said. “And Leo, we didn’t want to tell you this but… you’re not yourself in this Dream Realm.”

Leonardo didn’t say anything, he was still frozen and his breathing was shallow like it was taking all his strength to not break down.

“You’re six in the Dream Realm,” Donatello continued. “We didn’t want to tell you because we didn’t want you to feel bad, or feel like you did something wrong. That’s why it’s been so hard to wrangle you in there. You don’t understand where you are, and your biggest concern seems to be getting back home to your brothers… and Master Splinter.”

Leonardo nodded. “So the Dream Beaver put you in my subconscious mind?” he asked, not looking up.

“That might be our best theory,” Donatello said, looking to Raphael and Michelangelo to see if they had a better idea.

They both looked just as lost.

“I guess it’s no secret that things between me and Master Splinter weren’t always so great,” Leonardo said, pulling the page away from himself to look at it. “When- when I drew this and the wolves- I was desperate to escape my life. I was angry with Master Splinter and sometimes I was scared of him.”

He extended the page for them to take. Donatello went ahead and took it, holding it so Raphael and Michelangelo could see.

It was the other half of the page Raphael had. The thing the wolves and child Leonardo were charging at was a giant brown and black rat with red eyes and green smoke stacks sticking out of its back.

“That’s a Bamboo Rat,” Leonardo struggled to say. “You can probably guess the inspiration behind him is Master Splinter.”

Donatello closed his eyes, he felt sick again.

“And of course,” Leonardo went on with a staggering breath. “What animal would be better for taking down Bamboo Rats than a pack of Panda Wolves?”

After that reveal Leonardo asked to be left alone. It worked out well because that was about the time Casey and Leatherhead arrived and between getting the sleeping arrangements worked out and taking care of their pets there was a lot to do.

Not for Donatello though. Metalhead didn’t need maintenance like a cat or alien tortoise. He did make sure Metalhead was remotely monitoring their home and that all the cameras were okay. Then he was left to his own devices.

“You sure you’ll be okay sleeping alone?” Raphael asked, for the third time.

Donatello nodded. “It’s all part of my grand plan to keep an eye on Leo,” he said. “But I can’t go back to his room just yet. I need to wait until closer to ten or so.”

Raphael nodded.

It was getting late but not bedtime late, and Donatello had that annoying itch to think when he knew he shouldn’t. Since going to his lab was not an option he decided to go for a walk around Karai’s compound.

At least that’s what he told everyone he was doing, really he was taking this precious time alone to look for something. It wasn’t exactly hard to find. It was the kind of thing he expected to be advertised and sure enough in the game room on a bulletin board there was a flier for Mental Health Services. There was a floor number and directions on how to get there. It was a stroke of fate that they were open until nine.

When Donatello got to the correct floor more posters confirmed his fears.

Okay, but just because Karai has obviously hired people who specialize in this doesn’t mean Leonardo is going to a therapist for that reason, Donatello reminded himself.

With that in mind Donatello tried to ease himself. Just because there was information about sexual assault didn’t mean Leonardo was there for that.

Since it was only fifteen minutes until they closed, Donatello decided to open the door. There was a welcoming “Come on in!” sign and a reminder of when their hours were.

Immediately the receptionist looked up. “Hello there? Are you here to make an appointment?” she asked.

Sadly her complete non-reaction to Donatello being a giant walking turtle confirmed she had seen a mutant turtle before. Which filled Donatello with dread.

Though he had to admit it was refreshing to have a human he had never met regard him as a fellow sentient being and not with a scream of horror.

Donatello edged forward, he had hoped to take some brochures and leave. The longer he doddled here the more he risked someone seeing him. There was no way he could explain this all to Karai.

“Not exactly,” Donatello said, looking around the room. “I was wondering where I could find more information about the kind of specialized therapy is offered here?”

“Of course,” the receptionist said, typing on her computer. “What are you looking for?”

Oh you know, hypothetically speaking do you have anything to offer someone who was raped by their dad at a young age? Donatello thought.

“Someone I care about is struggling with an eating disorder,” Donatello said, just in case this receptionist reports back to Karai he would have a legitimate reason for snooping down here. “He’s too scared to come down here himself and ask about services, so if there is anything I could take and bring to him that would be best.”

As he talked he looked around her desk. He spotted a lanyard and ID tag that had the name Jillian.

“You can grab some brochures off the table,” Jillian said, putting her pen behind her ear next to her ruby red hair. She stood up and pointed at the glass coffee table behind him. “I’ll also print you some information sheets.”

“Thank you,” Donatello said.

He meant it half for the help and half for the most normal human interaction he had ever had. He assigned Jillian to memory. She had a purple crop top on and tan jeans. A long white lab coat helped make things more modest but it seemed there was no extreme dress code here.

Considering how Karai and Shini dressed it made sense.

Donatello quickly grabbed one of each brochure. Not sure how much time he had before Jillian returned. He also wished for a moment he had a shirt like Leonardo where he could hide something; when Jillian came back it was painfully obvious he had more than just the one brochure in hand.

“Here you are,” Jillian said, passing a staple packet to him.

Donatello was shocked with the size of it. “Thank- Thank you,” he stammered out.

“No problem,” Jillian said, sitting back down. “If your friend has any questions, we are open seven days a week though our hours look a bit different on holidays and weekends.”

Donatello nodded. “I’ll be sure to tell him.”

He felt like he had contraband as he walked down to his room. This was the kind of stuff Master Splinter never allowed him to have. It was a weird anxiety seeing as Master Splinter was dead and since accessing the internet Donatello could read and see anything he wanted. Yet it was still there like a bitter taste in his mouth.

When he got in his room he quickly went to Metalhead and had him store the documents and brochures in his chest cavity. At least there they would be safe. 

He leaned his head against Metalhead’s chest. There was so much guilt swirling around in his head. So much sudden doubt. Maybe if it had been harder to get information from the receptionist he would have felt better. Instead it being so easy to get made him doubt himself.

It was one thing to say Master Splinter was an abusive father. A downright neglectful and abusive father to be clear.

But to call him a pedophile?

Based on a theory?

It could be cultural. Leonardo is a boy, some very backwards people believe boys can’t be raped or molested. Maybe Leonardo could only seek help for his past trauma after their father had passed.

There was also the fact that while yes Splinter had ridiculous concerns about incest between the four of them, which could be nothing nefarious. It wasn’t uncommon for turtles of the same clutches to mate with each other in nature. So yes, a very weird accusation but possibly ground in some science? Could he fault his father for misplaced paranoia? Perhaps paranoia mixed with homophobia too?

The child who raped Leonardo, if that child was also a boy and Master Splinter viewed the interaction as consensual… then perhaps he thought Leonardo was gay?

Donatello sat back on the floor. Thankfully in the other two rooms Raphael and Michelangelo were still preoccupied with their boyfriends.

He scoured his memory for more clues. Maybe he was overreacting. He had to be. In fact Leonardo’s drawings proved that Master Splinter wasn’t a pedophile. They showed Master Splinter as being something scary. A father figure turning into an abusive teacher.

The thing was, molestation rarely happened to one kid. They were all the same age. If Leonardo was being hurt then surely they all would have.

And the thing was, Donatello knew he grossed Splinter out. Splinter refused to touch him unless it was during training. If Donatello was ill it was usually his brothers that had to take care of him, or he would just take care of himself.

Not that Donatello was Cinderella or anything, but Splinter barely even looked at him unless something was broken. If something was broken it was Donatello’s fault and Donatello needed to be working on it until it was fixed.

Even if he didn’t have the right tools.

Or the right books to read.

There had been more than one private conversation discussing his value in the family. He was the weakest fighter, he was a leech, he needed to earn his stay. If his inventions didn’t serve the family they were bad. If the fiction books he was reading in his spare time weren’t for the greater good of the family they were taken.

If he was too exhausted to train he was accused of reading and forced to give up more books and gadgets. Things he hadn’t even been reading.

His eyes stung.

Enough being sorry for himself. Regardless of what Master Splinter was exactly, Donatello had a plan to execute.

Donatello nodded his head at the group of sleepy looking foot soldiers walking by. They pointed at him and whispered, one of the men Donatello recognized because he signed their laptop.

There was no way he would ever get used to this kind of attention, thankfully they just passed by.

He knocked on Leonardo’s door and waited a couple seconds before his brother opened the door.

“Sorry to ask this but, with Casey and Leatherhead spending the night…” Donatello started, tilting his head to his pillow tucked under his arm and his toothbrush in the other.

Leonardo sighed and opened the door wider before gesturing for Donatello to come in.

“Thanks Leo,” Donatello said, feeling sort of guilty.

Even if Leonardo had no idea what role he played in making sure both Raphael and Michelangelo wouldn’t want him around, Donatello still felt like he was lying to his brother's face.

Leonardo didn’t say anything. He went back to his desk where he was obviously in the middle of some sort of drawing involving different colored pencils. The room had a cedar smell from all the shavings. It was clear Leonardo had been in here drawing for hours.

Which was miles better than him being in here having a panic attack or something.

Since it was clear Leonard wasn’t much for talking, Donatello busied himself with getting his side of Leonardo’s bed set up and getting ready for bed. He brushed his teeth and attended to his bathroom needs before settling into bed with his phone

Donatello [Wednesday, 11:07:33 PM][sent][seen]

Goodnight April, I love you.

Sweet Chinchilla [Wednesday, 11:08:09 PM]

Goodnight Donnie, I love you too.

Sweet Chinchilla [Wednesday, 11:08:21 PM]

I think I’ll come by Karai’s tomorrow.

Sweet Chinchilla [Wednesday, 11:08:45 PM]

Maybe we can hang out just you and me.

Sweet Chinchilla [Wednesday, 11:09:07 PM]

I think you need it.

Donatello [Wednesday, 11:012:59 PM][sent]

Okay.

“Donnie, what you said earlier…” Leonardo began to speak from his desk.

Donatello stiffened and put his phone down. “Yes?” he said, uncertain as to what Leonardo was referring to.

“You are an artist,” Leonardo said, swiveling in his desk chair to look at him. “Look at all the metal work you do. You make a lot of robotic sculptures and you’ve designed vehicles for us. That’s the kind of thing that takes entire teams of people,” he said, reaching behind him to grab the drawing he was working on. He held it up so Donatello could see. “This just takes one person with a pencil.”

“Oh, I-,” Donatello was lost for words. Him? Good at something?

Leonardo put the wonderful incomplete drawing of mangrove forest away. “You have talent too, Donnie.”

“Thanks, Leo,” Donatello said, throat tight for no reason.

Thankfully Leonardo went back to his illustration. Donatello took that time to let his mind stop reeling from a direct compliment.

Michelangelo [Wednesday, 11:23:27 PM]

How’s Leo?

Donatello [Wednesday, 11:23:58 PM][sent][seen]

Drawing. How are you feeling?

Michelangelo [Wednesday, 11:24:37 PM]
Okay.

Michelangelo [Wednesday, 11:24:41 PM]
Sorry I binged.

Donatello [Wednesday, 11:25:16 PM][sent][seen]
It’s okay. I’m here if you want to talk.

Michelangelo [Wednesday, 11:25:29 PM]

Same for you. :)

Donatello [Wednesday, 11:25:38 PM][sent][seen]
How’s Raph?

Michelangelo [Wednesday, 11:26:02 PM]
Attached to Casey’s face…

Lovely, Donatello thought wryly.

Leonardo started putting away his art supplies and getting ready for bed. Donatello laid there awkwardly waiting for him to get under the covers. He wasn’t expecting anything like that first night where he could pretend to sleep until Leonardo grabbed his hand.

He actually had a strong suspicion that Leonardo would keep his distance tonight over the eavesdropping thing.

When Leonardo came out of the bathroom he had his clothes folded neatly in his arms. He stored them in the chest at the end of his bed. As Leonardo got on his side of the bed, Donatello silenced his phone and set it on his nightstand to charge.

Leonardo turned off the dim lights above the headboard and then they just laid there in silence. Donatello was content with it, as long as he wasn’t alone.

Then Leonardo tentatively cleared his throat.

“If you knew about the rape yesterday, why did you still choose to come sleep in my bed?” Leonardo asked, cutting straight to what was on his mind.

Which was great, because communication was key for healing. But also awful because it meant talking about some very heavy subjects and Leonardo was already dropping the R-word out loud.

“What do you mean?” Donatello asked, trying to sound at ease with the subject.

Perhaps he should have read some of that information from Jillian instead of just hiding it.

“You knew I was raped,” Leonardo said slowly. “You still wanted to sleep in my bed with me.”

Leonardo talked like this was something unheard of, and Donatello had no idea why.

“Yes,” Donatello said plainly.

“Why?”

“Why not?” Donatello asked with a shrug.

Leonardo sat up and turned on the light above the headboard. “Aren’t you worried I might do something to you?” he asked, grimacing at Donatello. “Victims usually become abusers.”

Ignoring the fact that what Leonardo said wasn’t correct Donatello also sat up but propped himself up against the head of the bed. “Did Master Splinter know you were raped?”

Leonardo frowned. He reached up, turned off the light and laid back down; this time facing away from Donatello. “Goodnight Donnie.”

So I hit a nerve, Donatello inwardly sighed.

“Well, the data on whether or not being a victim to sexual violence makes victims become sexually violent themselves is a mess,” Donatello said, propped up in the dark. “The majority of victims do not in turn become rapists. The data on the ones who supposedly do is muddy. Oftentimes pedophiles, once caught, will claim they were victims as a child. Sometimes with or without evidence. It is theorized that telling police that they too are victims will get them sympathy, and perhaps a lighter sentence.”

Leonardo responded to this with cold silence.

“Leo, you know how you told me yesterday that when Master Splinter died you changed the rules we lived by?” Donatello asked.

Again Leonardo made no effort to show he was a part of the conversation. That never stopped Donatello from talking about important things before.

“So you saw what Master Splinter was doing as wrong, you even experienced some of this wrong, and instead of continuing it because that’s how you were brought up, you changed it,” Donatello said.

He was still holding out hope that Master Splinter hadn’t done something more.

“While there are probably some who use their personal trauma to abuse others, the grand majority do not,” Donatello went on softly. “I don’t know where that myth started, but all it does is demonize CSA survivors and keep them from getting support.”

That dread pooled in his stomach again as Leonardo stayed silent.

“Did Master Splinter tell you that because you were raped you were to stay away from us?” Donatello asked. “Because he accused me, Mikey, and I think Raph of being sexually active with each other-”

Leonardo suddenly swung his legs over the edge of the bed and scrambled to turn the lights on. His frantic movements made Donatello sit up as Lenardo opened his nightstand drawer and struggled with his pill bottle. Donatello crawled over and took it from him and unscrewed the childproof lid that Leonardo’s shaking hands couldn’t get around.

“I’ll stop talking about it,” Donatello said, as Leonardo swallowed his meds dry.

It was clear now that Leonardo’s silence had been him trying to stay calm. Maybe they could figure out a safe word for when the heavy topics need to be dropped immediately.

“That would be for the best,” Leonardo agreed, putting his head between his knees.

Donatello hovered uselessly while Leonardo calmed himself. It took a few long minutes before he got back in bed on his back to do a deep breathing exercise. Donatello figured it was best if he got back in the bed too.

It took him listening to Leonardo for another few moments before he decided, screw it, he was tired of not being able to do anything in fear of it being the wrong thing.

He reached over and took Leonardo’s hand. He gave it a firm squeeze.

Leonardo squeezed his hand back, still working on his deep breathing.

“Please tell me that if this happened and I wasn’t here, you’d call someone,” Donatello whispered, grateful Leonardo was doing this here and not in the bathroom where no one could touch him.

“I’d call Shini and Karai,” Leonardo said. “They usually spend the night with me while I’m here.”

“Good,” Donatello said, squeezing Leo’s hand again.

Leonardo shook his head. “I feel bad when I have to call them. They never complain but I must be a heavy burden on their relationship.”

“From the very little I know about Karai, I think she would be vocal if you were a burden to her,” Donatello assured him.

Leonardo let out a small huff since he was no longer hyperventilating. His eyes drooped shut and he started blinking slower.

Donatello smiled and risked shifting closer to Leonardo. They ended up falling asleep right next to each other with Donatello’s head on Leonardo’s shoulder.

Donatello woke up in the Dream Realm in the same place they had left off. Which was apparently with Leonardo’s little foot digging into his stomach.

“Weird to be back here,” Michelangelo said, looking around.

“Yeah,” Raphael agreed, looking down at Leonardo who was still sound asleep against his ribs. “And we are out in the open, completely exposed.”

That made Donatello uneasy too. There was shrubbery and trees around them but not any walls to keep things out. No security.

And they had a child.

“It seems like it’s evening, the sun will be going down soon,” Donatello said, needing to state some facts out loud for his own sanity.

Raphael got up slowly, waking Leonardo in the process as his wolf pillow was ripped from him.

“What are you doing?” Michelangelo asked, folding his ears back.

“I ain’t a genius, but I know rats are nocturnal, so I say Bamboo Rats are too,” Raphael said, nudging a yawning Leonardo to his feet. “So we gotta find shelter.”

“Right,” Donatello agreed, standing as well. His joints were cramped. “It’s almost as if instead of the Dream Beavers giving us enemies to fight, we’re getting them from Leo.”

“Bitesme stoppit!” Tiny Leonardo huffed, not happy in the slightest about being woken up.

Raphael backed off and Leonardo stumbled away from them sleepily before standing still and wavering like he might fall over.

“Fuck he’s exhausted,” Raphael cursed.

“He’s a toddler. He’s all toddled out,” Michelangelo said.

Those weren’t the terms Donatello would use but it did appear Leonardo was exhausted. Being a child in an unfamiliar situation far from home was also throwing a healthy dose of anger out.

Either way Donatello was at a loss with how to deal with Leonardo in a child mind and body.

“Hey, you know Leo drew himself riding a wolf,” Michelangelo said, nudging Raphael.

Raphael gave Michelangelo a weird look. Confused as to why that involves him being nudged. Donatello understood immediately. Raphael was closest to Leonardo here. If they had any hope of getting Leonardo on one of them it was Raphael.

“Right…,” Raphael said slowly. “But how do we get Leo onto one of us?”

Fate worked in their favor as exhausted Leonardo plopped down on his butt in the dirt absolutely too tuckered to continue on. He fell over on his side determined to fall asleep in the cold dirt.

An exhausted child was a maneuverable child.

Raphael walked over to Leonardo, more concerned about him being on the dirt with no heat then the plan Michelangelo had.

“Okay, well,” Raphael sighed, slightly annoyed at his lack of hands before laying next to Leonardo. “Come on buddy-”

As hard as Raphael tried, Leonardo was out. Only mumbling small protests about Raphael’s nudging. Michelangelo and Donatello shared a glance only younger siblings have before moving forward together.

If Leonardo thought he had a reason to be annoyed at Raphael for nudging him, then he had reason to loudly groan and whine while Michelangelo pushed him up Raphael’s side while Donatello pulled him up by hooking his paw around Leonardo’s shell from Raphael’s other side. After adjusting Leonardo so he had an arm and leg on each side of Raphael, Raphael was able to stand up.

“Poor kid,” Michelangelo said, watching Leonardo struggle to keep his eyes open.

“At least he seems physically okay if not for a few scratches,” Donatello observed.

“He looks better than the real Leo,” Michelangelo said, killing the conversation.

No one spoke for a long time.

The sun was dangerously low by the time they found exactly what they didn’t want to. A huge stone plain with flat sheet rocks of varying heights. When Donatello and Michelangelo edged forward to test the terrain they realized quickly that there were dark Leonardo size crevices that they couldn’t fit into but a child could.

Donatello’s stomach turned at the thought of losing Leonardo in one of those deep holes.

When they came back to Raphael and told him what they found they agreed to stay with the forest or possibly double back.

Eventually the sheetrock area broke up into a plains area with high grass. They were still weary about walking through it until they spotted some structures. That ment walls and maybe an enclosed space to trap their body heat for Leonardo.

Leonardo let out a huge yawn, smacking his lips together in a drowsy way before burying his face in Raphael’s neck fur.

“Awwww,” Michelangelo cooed. “We need to find shelter fast. All I want to do is cuddle him.”

“Well we should probably take this time to talk,” Donatello said, however if cuddling their adorable toddlerized brother could happen at the same time he would be happy with that.

“Shelter first,” Raphael said grumpily. “Maybe you two can scout ahead and look at those buildings?”

“What do we do if he gets hungry?” Michelangelo asked.

Donatello paused. How had he not thought about that? “Have any of us felt hungry?” he asked, looking at Raphael and Michelangelo. “Or thirsty? Or tired?”

“I'm like that weird if I lay down I could fall asleep but I'm not tired,” Michelangelo explained.

Well, maybe if Donatello’s rampant insomnia wasn’t so bad he would understand the concept of being able to fall asleep before passing out.

“Right. Well that's good. Because I'm not sure we could prevent Leo from eating something he shouldn't,” Donatello said. Though he hadn’t seen any dangerous plants or fungus.

“Okay, I’ll wait here and make sure he doesn’t eat anything,” Raphael said. “Now go check out those buildings. The sun is already down.”

Whipped into action by Raphael’s harsh tone, Michelangelo and Donatello trotted towards the village. As they came up on it (the ground between the village and Raphael was solid and there were no Leonardo sized holes) Donatello’s heart sank.

“This place was burned,” Michelangelo said quietly.

“Which means things in this Dream Realm catch fire,” Donatello said, not wanting to think too hard about all the ways that could go wrong. “But this wood is really moist from that storm.”

“So no fire risk?” Michelangelo asked hopefully.

“Not right now,” Donatello said, craning his neck to look around.

A gust of wind brought cold damp air down on them. This place smelled old and like charcoal. So far most buildings were collapsed in. The roofs were wood and straw and couldn’t hold up to the damage.

“Something is up with Raph,” Michelangelo said, perhaps taking advantage of their moment of privacy.

Donatello nodded once. “Yeah.”

“How do we…,” Michelangelo used his paw to pick at a loose stone countersunk in the ground. “How do we deal with that?”

“I don’t know,” Donatello said, moving to look at the remaining houses. “Maybe for now the best thing we can do is relieve all the pressures we can.”

Finally there was a house with an intact roof. There was even a door. The building was probably once a soft gray color. But now it was charred around the windows and the inside was a husk. Nature had already reclaimed part of the home as long grass was growing on the floor.

“This looks good-,” Donatello started, only to realize Michelangelo wasn’t right next to him. He was several houses down and looking down. Donatello came over to him concerned. “Mikey what’s wrong?”

“I feel like this morning we made good progress and now it’s falling apart again,” Michelangelo whispered, bringing his paw to his face to wipe away tears.

Donatello grimaced. He hadn’t been there for that very important family bonding… he had been too busy at April’s investigating what he had eavesdropped.

“Oh Mikey, that’s not what’s happening,” Donatello said in the most soothing voice he could muster.

“But like, you’re going to move out to be with April,” Michelangelo said, backing away. “And Leo is probably going to go live with Karai. And where will that leave us-?”

“Who said anything about me or Leo leaving?” Donatello asked.

“Dude, look at his room. I think it’s clear Leo is going to move out. And April doesn’t like being around Leo… so…,” Michelangelo slumped.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Donatello said quickly. He couldn’t really say what was going on with Leonardo, his bedroom was certainly set up for long term stays. “I can’t go live with April, Mikey. Even if I wanted to. There’s just too much risk. And I don’t want to be far from my brothers.”

Michelangelo nodded, trying his best to stop crying. Donatello tried to give him a hug, but his quadrupedal body just wasn’t really designed for one.

“Also, my lab Mikey, my lab,” Donatello lamented, resting his chin on the top of Michelangelo’s skull.

Yes he loved April but holy shell was his lab so ever important to him.

“You could lie and say it’s just us making you stay,” Michelangelo said, finally sounding a little better.

Donatello chuckled. “You stay here, I’ll get Raph.”

What he walked up on when he came back to Raphael and Leonardo made Donatello snort. Still on Raphael's back Leonardo was scratching both of Raphael’s ears. Raphael’s eyes were closed and his head was lifted up and back so Leonardo could more easily scratch him and his tail was wagging so fast it was a blur.

Donatello made a cough, and Raphael jumped a little, yanking his head towards the source and out of Leonardo’s tiny hands.

His eyes stared at Donatello like he was caught. “Shut up!” he snapped.

“I didn’t say anything,” Donatello said with a smirk, as Raphael walked by very stiffly.

If he wasn’t a wolf, Donatello would be sure Raphael was blushing. Still, Donatello chose the high road and led Raphael back to the house he and Michelangelo picked without a single word.

Once they were inside the house they pushed the warped wooden door shut and made a nest for Leonardo to hunker up in. The toddler was asleep within seconds, his face buried into Raphael’s armpit.

“Remember when Leo was in his coma?” Raphael asked quietly.

“Hard to forget,” Michelangelo muttered.

“I was there when he woke up,” Raphael went on. “And there is something I can’t shake.”

Donatello and Michelangelo cocked their heads. “What would that be?” Donatello asked.

“He was screaming about me not leaving him alone… I assumed he meant The Shredder. He begged me to get him out of the bathroom, I don’t think he knew where he was. I can’t explain it, but I think he wasn’t concerned about The Shredder right then,” Raphael said.

Donatello already knew who Leonardo was scared of before Raphael finished speaking.

“I think he was scared of Master Splinter,” Raphael whispered.

It still felt like a knife to his chest.

“When I asked him later about it he reacted very badly. Overreacted. And I got mad, so I stopped caring,” Raphael said.

Which tracked, seeing as Leonardo usually had tantrums that made him unbearable to be around. It was easy to get mad at him and not care.

“I should’ve cared more-” Raphael said, stopping short to sniff the air.

Donatello and Michelangelo raised their noses to the air too. The smell was…. Familiar. Like sandalwood and dojo mats… and that tea Raphael drank.

Careful not to wake Leonardo, Donatello stood up and looked through the crack of the door into another eyeball just on the other side.

His heart skipped a beat and a sharp pain stabbed his chest. The edges of his vision started to get dark and his body refused to move or make a sound. The eye grew bigger and bigger until Donatello fell through the crack in the door and into the eyeball. His head exploded into a gut turning migraine and suddenly everything was dark.

.

.

.

Donatello clutched the book Eragon in his fingers tightly. The book was far too captivating to put down, and while some pages were water damaged this book had been a wonderful find. Sadly, in his eagerness to keep reading the novel he turned on his light while Master Splinter was still awake.

When Donatello’s door opened suddenly he barely had time to shove the book under the covers.

“Why is your light on?” Master Splinter asked, in a cold voice.

Master Splinter made a move towards the bed and Donatello scrambled to stop him. “No, I’m sorry, I couldn’t sleep,” he begged.

“Only because you stay up to read garbage,” Master Splinter snapped, reaching under the covers and snatching the book. “The left front burner on the stove is still broken,” he said, flipping through the pages and making the tear on the cover even worse. “I thought that was what you were to be focusing on? If you can not sleep then why are you not working on the burner?!” Master Splinter yelled.

 “Please dad-”

A sharp blunt pain sprouted on his temple as Master Splinter struck him with the book.

At least it was a paperback one this time.

“You can have this back when you fix the stove,” Master Splinter said sternly, slamming the door behind him.

Donatello held the side of his face, his bottom lip was quivering and a whirlpool of emotions swam in his head. He liked that book and it was his book and it wasn’t fair that he had to lose his book. Now he would never see that book again.

Once he was sure Master Splinter was no longer on this side of The Lair, Donatello scampered into the hall and straight to Leonardo’s room.

“Leo? Can I come in?” he asked, opening Leonardo’s door.

There was something wrong with Leonardo’s room. It was filled with smoke and there was a huge rat standing on Leo’s bed. Green pipes stuck out it’s back and from those pipes rose plumes of blank smoke. The rat turned to Donatello and snarled.

“Leo?” Donatello asked, as if the rat didn’t exist.

Leonardo lay completely still, ignoring Donatello. Another pang of rejection flooded through Donatello’s body before he ran from Leonardo’s room straight to Raphael’s.

“Raph?” Donatello cried, going into Raphael’s room to tug on him.

Raphael woke up and rubbed his eyes. “Wha?” he asked, confused. “Oh, nightmare? C’mere…” he grabbed Donatello’s arm and pulled him into bed.

.

.

.

“What- what was that?” Raphael stammered, shaking his head.

Michelangelo groaned and grimaced. “Yeah what the shell was I Donnie just now?” he asked.

Donatello stumbled back from the door horrified. The Bamboo Rat was gone but his brothers had seen that memory too?

“That was Donnie's room. But what the hell was in Leo’s room-”

Donatello whipped his head towards Raphael. He opened his mouth to say something but no words came out.

“That- was that a memory? Dad hit you with books?” Michelangelo asked, frowning.

“I- I need a second to think I don’t feel good-,” Donatello struggled to speak at all so he laid down. “I think I’m-”

When he woke up it took a second for Donatello to orient himself. Was this another memory or was he awake-

“Are you okay?” Leonardo asked, gripping Donatello’s shoulder.

Oh, glorious seventeen year old Leonardo, a sight for sore eyes. Donatello had to restrain himself from just grabbing Leonardo and sobbing. He understood the memory he had seen now. The Bamboo Rat hadn’t been there that night, but when viewing the memory it was.

Because Leonardo wasn’t moving, and it was because of Splinter.

“Yes. Sorry. I-,” he scrambled out of the blankets.

Was this what the Dream Beavers wanted? Was this their nightmare? To relive all the moments where Leonardo was being abused right under their noses?

“Are Raph and Mikey okay?” Leonardo asked, getting out of bed too.

“Yes, yes, they’re fine- it’s just- I need to talk to them,” Donatello said, getting his phone off the charger and hastily tying his mask and gear to himself.

Leonardo walked around the bed. “If it’s about the Dream Realm I need to know,” he said firmly. Older brother, Leader, and Sensei voice all in one.

“We saw a Bamboo Rat,” Donatello said, struggling to tie his feet wrappings while balancing on one leg.

“Oh,” Leonardo said, dropping his shoulders.

“I’ll catch up with you at breakfast, I have to tell Raph and Mikey this while I still remember it!” Donatello called, running out the door to hopefully catch Raphael and Michelangelo for a private conversation.

Chapter Text

Leo felt cold making his bed up after Donnie left. Bamboo Rats were creations of his own mind. Vent art he did when he was really little and when everything was confusing. When Master Splinter was a normal father with him and his siblings but something awful when they were alone.

The conclusion sinking in Leo’s chest like a stone into a deep lake was that the Dream Beavers were using his subconscious to torment his brothers. Leo didn’t want to think about how this torture would play out. Would it involve his dream self being taken by a Bamboo Rat? Would his brothers slowly be killed and maimed?

Was there a worse scenario he did not want to think about?

Was some entity granting a sick and twisted wish he had as a child for his brothers to have a taste of Master Splinter’s abuse? Were The Dream Beavers into sick and demented forms of justice?

The idea of it made Leo dizzy. When Keno had said abuse usually does not stay central to one child, Leo’s heart ached to think any of his brothers were also getting raped too. Master Splinter had a lot of control over them, he supposed it was possible looking back. It only made him feel more awful about his resentment towards his siblings back then.

He had at times literally wished Master Splinter would rape one of them for once.

He balled his fists in his covers, a quick knock at his door stopped him from ripping them.

“Coming!” he called, throwing the blankets down and heading to the door.

As soon as he opened the door Karai pushed inside red faced and frustrated. A nervous Shini floated in behind her shooting Leo helpless looks.

“Sorry to bust in on you like this,” Karai said, looking ready to go somewhere in her full Foot Clan attire.

Leo frowned. “Karai, shouldn’t you still be resting?” he asked, maybe even letting a scolding tone slip in.

“That’s what I was saying,” Shini said, sounding like she had been at this much longer than Leo.

It couldn’t go unnoticed how ready both of them looked to leave. Leo internally prepared himself for some bad news and the possibility that Karai came down here so suddenly because she had to go.

“Can’t rest I have to go deal with some goddamn fucking bullshit,” Karai hissed, pinching the bridge of her nose so hard it could break skin.

Leo gently took her wrist and pulled her hand away from her face. "What’s going on?" he asked.

"The Savate Clan ambushed my men on the way from retrieving that mutagen I was telling you about," Karai said, taking a deep breath. "That shit is all over the black market and I’ve been trying to collect it, get it off the streets. Keep it out of the wrong hands."

Leo nodded. "How much was it?" he asked.

Karai desperately needed that mutagen to make retromutagen. The Shredder turned several Foot Soldiers into mutants and not all of them enjoy that life.

"All that I have in Tokyo," Karai said. "I was going to transport a big barrel here in a few weeks."

"They stole a whole barrel of mutagen? How?" Leo asked, now as alarmed as she was.

"I had a mole. He’s been dealt with, but before he was dealt with he ratted to The Savate Clan about where I had all that mutagen. Fuck! I can’t believe how stupid I am!" Karai yelled, splotches of white scales erupting on her skin.

Shini gripped her shoulders and rubbed. "Deep breaths Karai, we will make this Victor rue the day if he thinks he can hold this over your head like a carrot."

"What's he doing?" Leo asked.

"He’s offering to sell it back to me," Karai said, forcing herself to take deep breaths.

Leo grimaced. “For how much?”

“For all of Tokyo. He wants The Foot Clan out. Leo, I have to go to Tokyo and fix this,” Karai said.

Leo nodded. “I can be ready in five minutes-,” he started, turning to get ready.

Karai shook her head and grabbed his wrist to stop him. “As much as I could use the help, you and your brothers have your own catastrophe to deal with,” she said. “I have to leave, but I need to know that you’ll be okay.”

Leo floundered. “Of course I’ll be okay,” he lied.

The universe was cruel to take Karai and Shini the day he needed them most. The day it could all go wrong and he would need the reassurance of staying here with them. That’s what made reading the letter okay, he always had Shini and Karai in his corner. He had a separate support system from his brothers.

Karai pulled him into a hug which only made it harder to fight the tears forming behind his eyes.

He squeezed her back just as hard. “You’ll have Shini right?” he asked, pulling away.

“Shini is staying here with you,” Karai said.

Shini came closer and put a comforting hand on Leo’s shoulder.

Leo shook his head. “She should go with you,” he said, not backing down when they both gave him the stare. “I don’t like the idea of you in Tokyo without someone you can trust.”

“And we don’t like the idea of you being here in New York without someone you can trust,” Shini pressed in firmer.

Leo swallowed the lump in his throat. “I have… my brothers. I’ll be fine.”

“You didn’t tell them yet?” Karai asked in a tone that said she knew the answer.

Leo grimaced. “No, I had the letter but, it’s a long story. April, Casey, and Leatherhead were always there so I never managed to read it.”

Shini and Karai shared a nervous glance.

“Shini, please go with Karai,” Leo said, fighting down the anxiety of being without them. “She needs you and I’ve been a third wheel long enough. I’ll be okay. My brothers and I will stay here in the compound until we find out how to stop this Dream Realm.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about. Of course you will stay here for the emergency medical care, but I know this wasn’t the plan,” Karai said.

No, the plan they made together with Keno had safety nets. Soft places to fall if his brothers dove straight into denial. Without safety nets Leo could almost feel that pull of tall buildings and sudden drops. Sometimes he is certain that will be the only way out of his hell.

He wondered if killing himself would stop the Dream Realm.

“I can just wait until you get back to tell them,” Leo said, stifling his tears.

“It might be weeks,” Karai warned.

Leo shrugged. “I’ll be fine. Last night we had a breakthrough about this whole Dream Realm thing,” he said. “Donnie ran out of here this morning needing to talk to Raph and Mikey. It sounds like he’s on to something. By the time you get back all of this will be solved, I can tell my brothers about Master Splinter, then what happens… happens.”

Shini and Karai didn’t look convinced.

“You’re much calmer about this now,” Shini said, not buying anything he was saying.

She left out the unspoken part about him literally shaking in Keno’s office while they drafted the letter. It was hard to walk back how horrible he felt about telling his brothers when he kept having meltdowns in front of Karai and Shini about it.

“Well the plan is still in place…," Leo said, trying too hard to keep his voice casual. "If they hate me or we need time apart to process… then I can just hang out here."

He went back to making his bed, something to distract him from the growing nausea in his stomach. Karai and Shini had a silent conversation with facial expressions and Leo didn't envy them for it. He was such a burden on them.

"Just go, you and Shini should go," Leo said, throwing his pillows against the headboard. "I’ll be okay."

They both walked over to him, Karai reached him first and pulled him into a hug. Leo was stiff at first, unsure if he could relax into the embrace without losing himself. Shini hugged the other side of him so he was sandwiched between them. Cradled protectively between the two people who had taken all his trauma without a hint of judgment.

But he had taken advantage of that kindness for too long.

It was time to read the letter to his brothers. He had to. He had to stop running. He had to stop making excuses.

"Don’t do anything stupid, Leo," Karai warned with a fierce whisper.

"I will curse you," Shini added.

Leo chuckled, or started to cry and managed to twist the noise into a joyless laugh.

"Me? Do something stupid?" he asked, pulling away from their hugs. "I save all my stupid for when I’m with the two of you."

"Right," Karai said, thumbing something out of her eyes as she stepped back. "The first day we’ll be really hard to get in contact with, but we’ll be in touch as soon as we can be," she said.

Permission to be a burden from halfway across the world.

Leo swallowed the self hatred. "Okay."

"The new season of Voltron comes out this weekend," Shini said, grabbing his shoulders and turning him towards her. "If you start watching it without me I’m making a voodoo doll of you and putting it in the blender."

Leo nodded. "I’ll miss you too, Shini," he said.

Before he could register what they were doing Shini kissed his forehead and Karai kissed his right cheek. It gave him that sensation of falling in his chest and heat rising up the back of his neck.

"Goodbye, Leo," Karai said, opening the door for Shini and closing it behind them.

All Leo could do was stare at the door and let his finger touch the wet marks on his face. It wasn't weird to be kissed by them so he wasn't sure why today it felt different. Maybe because kisses came during panic attacks and days when getting out of bed was impossible.

Not for simple goodbyes.

Leo let his legs give out and plopped himself on the bench at the end of his bed. There was so much racing through his mind but one startling feeling was loneliness. He wondered if this was what his brothers felt when he and Master Splinter left for weeks at a time.

His eyes looked over at his desk and his body moved without being told. A few minutes later he was holding that picture of Hokolesqua. Leo tore it free from the notebook and thought hard about what he was considering. What he had always known since Master Splinter passed.

Hokolesqua was the only one who might have answers about why their Masters did what they did. How did Splinter even find Moacir? How did he find those houses where Leo would get tied to a bed in exchange for a sack of coins?

He felt suddenly ill.

What if these answers helped him stop the Dream Beavers?

Wetting his lips he found the letter and put it in place of Hokolesqua's torn out self portrait. He closed the old tattered sketchbook and put it in the top drawer of his desk.

Then he got to work packing.

There was a small possibility that he was doing this to run away. He didn’t know how long the grace period would last before Raph told Donnie what the tea did. He didn’t know how long he had until Donnie pieced together the fact that Master Splinter’s abuse was more than physical.

It was sexual.

He was aware that this plan conveniently isolated him from everyone in a location they literally could never get to without him. In fact opening this portal to another world was so hard Leo wasn’t confident he would even be able to.

Slipping out of The Foot Clan’s base had been easy. His security clearance is as high as Karai’s. The only reason he didn’t strut out the front door was because he didn’t want to be caught by his brothers. They all went to the cafeteria to eat, even Casey and Leatherhead. Leo took all of Donnie's belongings from his room and put them back in the three shared rooms his brothers had together. That way there would be no reason for anyone to enter his room while he was away.

Then he went back to The Lair and breached a room he hadn’t in a very long time.

His father’s bedroom was mostly filled with books and private possessions but Leo was most interested in the metal box stored in the wall behind a loose brick. Inside were silver coins, more than Leo would reasonably be able to take with him. Some of these coins were small and had some language carved on them like most money did but Leo didn’t know what sized coins and what designs made what amount of money.

Other coins were American currency. Tarnished silver coins found in sewers and in streets. Master Splinter had used those over in the other world as well but Leo wasn’t sure how to exchange them.

The betrayal of having found all these coins still stung, even months later. His father always made it seem like they had no money in that other world which was why Leo needed to be open to the advances of other Masters. So they had places to sleep and food to eat. Really Master Splinter had been swimming in money.

He took a mixture of both, two pounds at the most and it barely made a dent in the huge box. Leo left it out on the floor not caring enough to put it back. He already felt sick to his stomach just touching it.

On his way out of his father’s room he hooked his finger under the shelf of his father’s shrine and flipped it onto the floor where everything scattered. The act had been so impulsive it left him vibrating and his legs wobbled as he walked out of the dojo.

The last thing he needed to pack was food. He grabbed a few protein bars and a few precious bags of jerky. His hands shook hard, still ringing from the impulsive choice to ruin the shrine. He was scared to turn around, half convinced his father would be standing behind him.

Despite this he pushed on.

He filled two large canteens with water and left out the turnstiles just as his T-Phone started to ring.

In his haste to leave he had forgotten about his phone. An item that could be tracked.

Now Donnie was calling.

Leo’s finger hovered over the answer button. His throat was tight and there was pressure behind his eyes that threatened to explode outward. With slow movements he gently placed his ringing phone on the turnstiles and walked away into the sewers.

If he heard Donnie’s voice he would break, he would lose this resolve. He would lose his courage to do this.

And he had to do this.

What if someone recognizes me and wants revenge?

What if I see one of the Masters?

What if I don’t have enough money?

What if I don’t come out in the right location?

What if-

What if-

The walk through the sewers and to the alleyway where Master Splinter used to make his portals was filled with torturous thoughts and bad memories.

Leo never went down these sewer tunnels alone. He never took his brothers down this way on runs or exercise routines. He avoided the block of buildings that contained the alleyway where Splinter opened his portal to hell.

And on the nights it couldn’t be avoided Leo would just work himself to the point of exhaustion at home. Run katas until he passed out. Because that portal was always waiting for him in his dreams.

Coming out of the sewers made him sick to his stomach. Seeing the wall, the bricked up archway. It brought back a surge of dread so powerful he could barely get his pieces of chalk out.

Certain bricks around the archway needed symbols drawn on them. Leo thankfully had these symbols memorized but he needed to work fast. It was mid afternoon and he was very exposed.

He had to redo several symbols, his hands trembling too hard. Finally after what felt like an eternity he was able to recite the mantra, feeling the words flow out of his mouth like water and slowly filling the archway in a suspended liquid curtain.

With a deep breath Leo slipped through and fell into a heap on the other side of the portal.

The smell of this world made him whine out like a dying animal. Under his clothes his tail clenched tightly to his body and he curled himself into a ball suddenly paralyzed. The air was too heavy and seemed void of oxygen.

He tried to breathe in deeply but he still felt light headed and nauseous. On his hands and knees he tried to use one of Keno’s calming techniques but couldn’t think of one.

I must be on top of a mountain, he thought in a panic. The air is too thin.

SMACK!

“Uhg, ow ow ow,” Leo groaned, falling back to the ground while holding his throbbing side.

The thing that ran into him grunted and moaned on the ground too.

“Oh what the heck?” Mikey’s voice groaned.

Leo whipped his head up horrified. “Mikey?” he wheezed.

“Uhm…,” Mikey laughed nervously. “Don’t be mad-”

“Don’t be mad?” Leo asked, getting to his feet and dusting himself off. “Mikey, you have to go back right now. You can’t be here-”

Just as he pointed to the portal it closed. Unfortunately this stone archway was only a partial one. It had obviously fallen apart over the years leaving no more than the bottom half. There was no way to write all the symbols needed to make a proper portal unless Leo found a way to write on thin air.

That’s usually fine because Master Splinter knows where other portals are even if the one they come in through is a one way ticket.

“You have got to be kidding me,” Leo deadpanned, letting his hand drop like dead weight.

Mikey looked around the sparse forest. It was more like the unkept woods on the side of a highway than a true forest. There were some trees but they were small young trees no bigger around than Donnie’s bo staff.

“Why can’t I be here?” Mikey asked, his attitude and outlook so different from Leo’s it was grating. “What is this place?”

That was a complicated question. Right now they were on a hill with dry hard dirt and short ankle high weeds. There was no path leading away from here, it was seemingly in the middle of nowhere. Leo knew this was a possibility and he rationalized it with the knowledge that there was no harm in him wandering around like a fool until he found something.

Now Mikey was here and he needed to act like this was more planned than it was.

“It’s not safe here!” Leo exploded, while he thought about his story. “Why would you do such a thing?”

Mikey looked at Leo helplessly, gesturing to Leo and the portal as though there need be no explanation. “We were looking for you, and I saw you in the alleyway writing on the wall and muttering,” he said.

“So you followed me?” Leo asked.

“No, I called Donnie and Raph and I was supposed to wait until they got there too but then you went in so I followed you,” Mikey said, getting his phone from his belt. “Which reminds me I need to call them back-”

“You can’t,” Leo sighed, rubbing his temples.

What a headache this was. With Mikey here, finding Hokolesqua would be so much harder. Unless of course he could send Mikey back first.

“Leo, bro, whatever is going on,” Mikey started. “Running away is not the answer. So we’re going to go back to Karai’s and talk this out. A little family meeting.”

“I mean we’re in another dimension Mikey,” Leo said, losing his patience. “You can’t call Donnie or Raph, and the only way to get out of here is to make another portal which I’m not doing until I get what I came for.”

With that he didn’t wait for Mikey’s call to fail or for him to respond. He picked up his bag and put it over his shoulder before quickly surveying the land. Well, there was a river to the west. Towns and farms set up near sources of water so that was a good bet.

“Where are you going?” Mikey asked, scrambling after him.

The longer Mikey was here the more violated Leo felt. He felt irrationally mad that Mikey was in this world. His chest hurt like he was catching Mikey with his diary or private sketchbooks.

But had Mikey done anything wrong? No, he hadn’t.

So Leo paused and took a second to really think about what he was feeling right then and why. He felt exposed and angry because… well because this was where it happened. Where it was the scariest. Where Master Splinter would test him with other Masters… other children. Just being in this world, in these clothes, with these coins, with this mission to find a child he raped and was raped by was making his chest seize and his stomach twist.

Yet none of that was on Mikey.

Mikey didn’t deserve that.

“I know where I can make a portal for you to go home but we have to hike there,” Leo said, letting Mikey catch up to him. “Turn off your phone so you have some battery to call Donnie and Raph when you get back.”

His chest was killing him, he dug his knuckles into the middle of his plastron. Stupid really since that never does anything at all.

“If we move fast you’ll at least exit this world somewhere in North America,” Leo said, not wishing to go into details about how these portals work.

He just wanted to get this over with.

“Is your chest okay?” Mikey asked, reaching towards him.

Leo grabbed his wrist to stop him. “I’m fine,” he said tersely, pushing Mikey’s hand away.

“Okay, sorry,” Mikey said, mildly offended.

For a few moments Mikey allowed them to walk in silence. It was good because now Leo needed to focus on figuring out where he was. The climate was similar to New York. The shape of the tree leaves weren’t like this anywhere on earth. The ground was on a slow incline headed towards the river. As they got closer the weeds were taller and the ground was softer. 

“If it’s not safe should you be here alone?” Mikey asked once they reached the river and Leo paused.

Leo looked over to snap, or let his annoyance be known but when he saw Mikey picking sharp stones out of his feet he softened his expression.

This scenario wasn’t comfortable for either of them. Leo had shoes and clothes. He could share his food and water but he didn’t have spare items for a whole other turtle.

“It’s not safe for those who aren’t familiar with this place,” Leo said, taking his bag off and rummaging for his extra wrappings.

“How are you familiar with this place?” Mikey asked.

I was sold for sex here.

He gestured for Mikey to come closer and raise his foot. Kneeling down in front of his brother he brushed the dirt and twigs off his foot before wrapping it in the spare fabric. It wasn’t shoes, but it would help.

While doing the same to Mikey’s second foot his brother took a guess.

“This is where… this is where Master Splinter would take you on those trips isn’t it?” Mikey asked.

Leo finished Mikey’s foot and got up. He swung his bag back over his shoulder and nodded his head north where he thought he could make out smoke in the distance.

“Leo?”

“Yes, Mikey,” Leo said, not looking back. “This is where Master Splinter would take me and no I don’t want to talk about it.”

“It looks like the Dream Realm,” Mikey said, sounding surprised.

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I needed to come here,” I think that's why. “If the Dream Beavers want to weaponize this place against us then I need to face it. Which means you’re going home,” he said over his shoulder.

Mikey laughed dryly. “I’m not going home.”

“Yes you are,” Leo said firmly.

“You can make another portal, but I’m not going in without a fight,” Mikey warned.

Okay, Leo had enough of this. “Michelangelo,” he warned.

“Leonardo,” Mikey warned back mockingly.

Leo sighed and worked his knuckles into his chest again. A new round of pain for the thought of Mikey ever meeting Hokolesqua. What if Hokolesqua said something to Mikey?

“What’s wrong with your chest?” Mikey asked, edging closer.

Leo turned away. “Nothing. Mikey, stop it. Please stop it,” he gritted out. “This isn’t funny. This isn’t some game.”

“I’m not laughing Leo. And I never thought this was a game,” Mikey said, lowering his voice.

Leo opened and closed his mouth a few times. No excuse fell out for him.

“Just let me tag along okay?” Mikey whispered, putting his hand on Leo’s back. “I won’t ask anymore questions, I swear.”

Leo looked up at Mikey. He knew this was a bad idea so why did he want Mikey to come with him all the sudden?

“Please Leo?” Mikey asked.

“Okay,” Leo said, taking a deep breath.

This made Mikey smile. “Then what’s the plan?”

“I have some money, this world’s currency,” Don’t ask me how it was made. “We’ll need to find a house and hope they can point us to a town with an Inn. Master Splinter and I would often stay in hotels of sorts.”

Of course, he would avoid those certain Inns with Mikey.

“Okay!” Mikey agreed. “Will the hotel have WiFi?”

Leo shook his head and started walking. “This world hasn’t discovered electricity, Mikey.”

“What?!” Mikey asked, stopping dead in his tracks.

Leo shook his head. Oh Mikey. “We’re burning daylight, let’s go.”

“Oh so they found a way to burn daylight here but they don’t have WiFi?” Mikey asked, thoroughly outraged. “Great.”

There was a small issue.

Mikey was by this world’s standards naked.

The other issue was the smoke was from a small farm, not a village. So on the road Leo stopped.

“Wait,” he said, holding out his arm to stop Mikey from opening the gate. “You’re naked.”

“I’m naked?” Mikey asked.

As Leo got his backpack off his shoulder he realized Master Splinter showed him to other Masters completely nude. The excuse being that Leo didn’t wear clothes in their dimension, but conveniently letting this new Master see Leo completely exposed.

It made him feel sick. Well, sicker than he was if it was possible.

“Here,” he gave Mikey his sleeping bag completely unzipped to wrap around him. “Hold that around yourself.”

“Uhm…,” Mikey took the sleeping bag and did what he was told.

Leo repacked his bag and got his coins ready. Some silver would make whoever answers the door a bit kinder.

“You think we should wear clothes?” Mikey asked.

“What do you mean?” Leo asked.

“Like at home, do you think we should all wear clothes? I could get behind it, just, not a lot of stuff is made to fit us you know?” Mikey asked.

Leo swallowed. “Sure.” He wasn’t sure what to say to that. “Uh, let me do the talking with the owner of the house.”

They were close enough now that Mikey didn’t respond. He stood a little behind Leo while he knocked on the wooden door.

Leo was not prepared for what answered the door. Dark brown fur. A pink nose and ears. A pink tail posed behind their form. Leo stumbled back off the steps as Mikey pushed forward.

“Hi!” Mikey said happily pushing Leo behind him protectively. “My name is Mikey and this is my brother Leo. We’re looking for the nearest village before nightfall. Could you point us in the right direction?”

Leo held his breath.

“Where are your clothes?” a female voice asked.

“I wasn’t watching my step and fell in the river. We couldn’t wait for my clothes to dry so we just left them on the bank for someone else. If you have some old clothes you want to part with we have money,” Mikey said, lying effortlessly.

Leo peeked over Mikey’s shell at the female rat.

Aside from being a brown rat she didn’t look like Master Splinter at all. No black or white markings. She was a big female. Standing tall and broad in the doorway. She was a strong robust farmer wearing pants and a shirt rolled up past the elbow.

“You won’t reach the nearest village by nightfall,” she said. “Come inside, we can work something out.”

“Thank you!” Mikey said, not suspicious at all of someone who just lets strangers in their home.

“I hope this is enough,” Leo said, setting a stack of silver coins on the table.

When Master Splinter paid for their Inn Rooms it was usually a stack.

Nizhoni turned her head from the wood burning stove where she was making dinner for herself and her guests. She shook her head.

“I have no interest in taking the life savings of two nomads,” Nizhoni said.

Since being welcomed into her home Nizhoni had been an enigma to Leo. She had given them her name and told them they could stay the night before showing Mikey to her late husband’s room so he could try on his clothes.

“There has to be something I can offer you for your hospitality,” Leo said.

“No need,” she said.

“Do you just take in any travelers that happen across your property then?” Leo asked. “Isn’t that dangerous?”

“Anyone from this local area would never come to my door asking for help,” Nizhoni said. “My husband was a menace and that legacy hangs over me. The only company I get is travelers and nomads who know no better.”

Leo nodded.

“Where are you and your brother headed?” Nizhoni asked.

“It’s complicated. I’m looking for someone I haven’t seen in years,” Leo explained.

And I have no idea if I’ll even be able to find them.

“Revenge?” Nizhoni asked.

“No, just answers. Our parents knew each other, my father is dead now and I need some answers,” Leo explained.

The more he talked to Nizhoni the more at ease he felt with her. He wasn’t sure how he was going to get any sleep tonight. She had offered them the floor of her living room but that didn’t change the fact that he was back in this world.

Before the conversation could continue, Mikey came back wearing an outfit of at least some pants and a tunic. Leo felt bad for him. He looked frankly ridiculous but he still gave Leo a big smile.

“Thanks again, Nizhoni!” Mikey said, sitting down at the table.

The same way Leo couldn’t figure out what to make of Nizhoni it seemed she couldn’t figure out Mikey. To be fair to her Mikey was his own brand of being even in their home dimension.

Nizhoni served soup. Mikey ate it without question while Leo only managed to finish his bowl to be polite. After dinner Leo offered to get a pale of water from the river.

He splashed some water and then filled the wooden pale from upstream. They could heat this to help their host with the dishes.

It was insane to think this is the kind of experience he and his brothers could have had as children. Collecting coins in the sewer then taking an educational vacation to this world to learn how to survive in a Feudal Japan type world. Walk around freely with children their own age. Build social skills. Imagine how much better their introduction to April would have been if they weren't so socially stunted.

Instead Master Splinter trafficked him.

What a waste.

"Thanks for talking to Nizhoni when she answered the door," Leo said, staring at the living room ceiling.

"Hmmm?" Mikey asked, rolling over on his bed mat next to Leo's. "Oh yeah, no problem. She looked a lot like Splinter. Kinda freaked me out too."

"Yeah," Leo breathed out.

"Why did you trash Master Splinter's Shrine?" Mikey asked.

Because I hate him.

"I knocked into it in my haste to leave The Lair. Donnie started calling me so I knew he'd be tracking me soon," Leo said.

"Oh."

"Try to get some sleep Mikey," Leo said, turning away and closing his eyes.

"Right. You too, Leo."

Chapter Text

“Uh…, the fuck?” Raph asked, standing around with his thumb up his ass on this random fucking roof looking for Mikey. This was not the time for a game of hide and seek for crying out loud.

Raph pulled out his T-Phone and tried to call Mikey again. It went straight to voicemail. Why the hell would Mikey turn his damn phone off?

Unless-

Raph called Donnie, he had a bad feeling about all of this. First Leo bolts out in broad daylight, then Mikey finds him, now they’re both gone. Did something happen?

“Raph, did you meet up with Mikey? I’m on my way!” Donnie said, sounding shrill.

Raph kept spinning around completely dumbfounded. “Dude, they ain’t here. Did we hear what Mikey said correctly?”

“Yes, and I got the location off his T-Phone,” Donnie said, impatiently.

“Can you check his location again?” Raph asked, because there wasn’t anything here.

“One sec,” Donnie said. “His phone must be off.”

“Why would he turn off his phone?” Raph asked. “The last thing he said was he had eyes on Leo and he would wait for us to meet him before confronting him.”

“Maybe they ran into trouble,” Donnie said. “Stay there, I am on the block now, there’s traffic.”

“Yeah it’s the middle of the day in New York City, of course there’s traffic,” Raph snapped.

Donnie had hung up anyway. Raph wanted to throw his phone into New Jersey but he would probably over shoot it.

It was another five minutes of waiting before Donnie arrived so they could both stand around on the roof with their thumbs up their asses together. So fucking helpful.

“Let’s not panic,” Donnie said, on the verge of panicking.

Raph rolled his eyes. “I’m going to try to call Karai again,” he said.

But Karai didn’t pick up, because she was on her way to Tokyo for some reason. Donnie’s phone rang just as Raph noticed some weird writing in chalk in the alleyway below.

“April has something she wants us to look at in The Lair,” Donnie said. “Let’s go.”

“What about Mikey and Leo?” Raph asked.

“We’re better off trying to figure out why Leo ran. It might give us a clue as to where he is heading,” Donnie said.

Raph gave the alleyway below one more glance before following Donnie back to the party wagon.

Hours later The Mighty Mutanimals were out scouting the city while April, Raph, and Donnie desperately tried to figure out what was going on.

When they initially traced Leo’s T-Phone it was in The Lair. When they got there it was sitting on the turnstiles. They had done a scouring of The Lair for Leo and found Master Splinter’s shrine on the floor, Master Splinter’s bedroom door wide open, his belongings had been rummaged through. The kitchen was missing some protein bars, dried meat, and water. It was like Leo was planning on going camping.

The only thing the security footage gave them was what direction Leo left The Lair in. So they had split up and Mikey by some miracle had found Leo and called them, bu then when they got there both Leo and Mikey had vanished.

“It doesn’t look like… he’s going to do anything dangerous,” Donnie said. “If he’s packing to stay somewhere.”

“What do you mean by dangerous?” Raph asked.

“Suicide,” Donnie said, not meeting Raph’s eyes.

Raph choked for a second. “Why would Leo want to commit suicide?” Raph asked. “Why the fuck would he do that?”

“We don’t know the reason he’s in therapy Raph, and when I went down there to see what was offered they had pamphlets about suicide,” Donnie said.

“And you know something you can’t tell me,” Raph reminded him, crossing his arms.

“Telling you won’t give us an answer to where Leo is. Our best bet is to keep searching and hope Karai or Shini contacts us,” Donnie said, pushing his rolling chair back away from his desk. “April, can you stay here in case Leo comes back? We’re going to meet up with Slash, see if Rockwell has any ideas. See if we can get some security footage from the area Mikey last saw Leo.”

Then Donnie was off making Raph follow him.

“Does that thing you know have anything to do with the discussion we were going to have with Leo before he bolted?” Raph asked.

“Do you think being difficult is helping anything?” Donnie asked, swinging open the passenger door of the Party Wagon.

“Oh, so I’m driving?” Raph asked, getting behind the wheel. “And I’m not being difficult I am- I want some answers, dammit. I know this shit with Master Splinter is weird but I deserve answers about that tea at least.”

Donnie wasn’t paying attention, he was on his laptop typing something.

Raph tapped the steering wheel nervously. “And what the hell were those coins? I didn’t know Splinter was a coin collector,” he huffed.

“Yesterday,” Donnie said suddenly. “I cut you off when you were talking about the tea, what were you going to say?”

Raph nearly swerved into a curb. “Nothing,” he said, quickly. “It was just a stupid little thing.”

“Well, was it anything that would upset Leo?” Donnie asked.

Fuck.

“I’m not trying to place blame but I feel like something very recent, maybe something in the last twenty-four hours made Leo leave. He had talked about leaving before but with more stipulations, such as telling us what his lessons with Master Splinter entail. But that is probably a cover because I don’t think there ever were lessons on some advanced Ninjutsu techniques,” Donnie rattled on.

“The tea gave me a semi,” Raph mumbled, into his fist.

Donnie paused his typing. The silence was so extremely loud. “A what?” he asked, barely audible.

“A semi,” Raph said, looking out the driver’s side window instead of at Donnie.

“A semi…,” Donnie repeated.

“IT MADE MY DICK HARD!” Raph exploded. “THE TEA GAVE ME A FUCKING ERECTION!”

Donnie jumped so hard his laptop flew off his lap and into the dashboard. “I know what a semi is, fucking hell Raph!” Donnie shouted back.

“Then why’d you repeat it?” he roared. “Fucking making me doubt myself over here you think that’s shit I want to fucking tell you about? That my dick popped out right there in the kitchen in front of Leo?”

“Was that why he put a blanket over you?” Donnie asked, picking his laptop off the floor and examining it.

“Donnie, the way he acted, it was like-,” Raph groaned and smacked the steering wheel. What the fuck was this conversation? “He was the one telling me my fucking erection would go away in a bit.”

Donnie made a strange noise in his throat.

“So it wasn’t like, “ Dear God Raph your PENIS is out!” which is what I assume Leo would say-”

“It was as if he was familiar with that particular side effect,” Donnie said.

Raph nodded emphatically. “Yeah, weird right? And I told him, “ Leo that’s super fucking weird that the tea Splinter used to give you gives people erections” and he was like “yeah,” and then I was like “ well uh we gotta tell Donnie and I’m gonna be real pissed off if suddenly you act like you didn’t know the tea did that or that’s never happened to you.” Then I called you in and, well, Leo, you were right about Leo needing to go calm down.”

Without Leo, Raph wasn’t going to tell anyone. It was hard enough to go through it, now he had to tell Donnie alone and deal with all the horrible scenarios that were going through his head.

“Do I need to tell you what I think or can you already see it?” Donnie asked.

“I was sorta hoping you’d have something to say that would stop me from thinking the thing I am thinking this means,” Raph said, trying to focus on the road.

“I don’t, and the thing I overheard is only another lofty piece of evidence in favor of this disturbing theory,” Donnie said.

“Great,” Raph said, thumbing his eyes dry.

Fuck, he felt like shit. He felt like a shit head. Leo was going to have so much to answer for the next time Raph saw him. Once Raph figures out how to hug and punch someone at the same time and yell at them while his throat is too tight to make a sound Leo was gonna get something.

“Just to be clear we are talking about Master Splinter molesting Leo, right?” Raph asked.

“Yes,” Donnie said. “That is the current theory with mountains of growing evidence behind it. You are correct.”

They had everyone they could get a hold of out looking for Leo and Mikey. They had people calling in favors. Rockwell was digging into his old connections to see if any of his old pals knew anything about recent specimens being captured.

There simply wasn’t anything to be found. Mikey and Leo had vanished into thin air. They had been missing for twelve hours and all they had was Leo’s T-Phone that he abandoned so they couldn’t track him.

“You think Leo convinced Mikey to go with him somewhere?” Casey asked.

At this point they were throwing anything out.

“I don’t know, Casey,” Raph said. He felt like he had aged ten years in the last few hours. “If he did then he’s better have a fantastic fucking reason for it.”

Another worry was how late it was getting. The sun was down now and that was going to give them a hint as to where Leo was at least. It was also why Rockwell, Donnie, and Leatherhead made one search team. While Casey, Slash, and Raph made the other. When Leo falls asleep, Raph and Donnie would pass out.

If they didn’t pass out then that could mean Leo was somewhere unconscious. When Leo had surgery none of them had been able to sleep while he was under anesthesia.

Raph plopped down on a vent on the roof of one of the many buildings Leo used to host training exercises on. They were desperately just going to any location Leo might go since they had no other leads.

“Let’s wait for Slash,” Raph said, sighing heavily.

Casey sat next to him and raised his hockey mask. “You know I ran away from home when I was little,” he said. “Scared the shit out of my dad.”

“How long were you missing?” Raph asked.

“Like an hour,” Casey said, kicking the ground and spraying rocks everywhere. “I went to my mom’s grave,” he said with a shrug. “Do you think Leo would go up to see your dad’s grave?”

I don’t see Leo being sentimental for the guy who molested him, Raph thought.

But before he could say anything he realized that lined up with a different theory. Leo took all that camping gear and somehow convinced Mikey to turn off his phone. What if they were hiking up to the farmhouse to destroy Splinter’s grave the same way Leo had trashed the shrine?

Raph got his phone out. “Casey, you’re a genius! I have to call Donnie-”

“GUYS!” Mikey yelled, so excited that Raph jerked his head up so fast he pulled something in his neck.

It was always so jarring to just suddenly be in another world in another body. Little Leo groaned out in frustration of all the noise and movement and nuzzled his face into Raph’s ribs.

“GUYS!” Mikey said, jumping on Donnie. “You will not believe where I am right now!”

“Mikey settle down!” Raph snapped, pulling his tail closer to the toddler cowering in his side. “Where are you right now?”

“I have no idea!” Mikey said, getting off Donnie but still wagging his tail so fast he was beating the back wall of the little shelter they were in.

Donnie sat up from being trampled. “We told you to stay put until we got there, then when we got there you were gone-”

“Leo made a portal!” Mikey said, standing then sitting when Donnie put his paw on his lower back.

“A portal?” Donnie asked. “And you didn’t think to call us?”

“Well I didn’t know how long it would be up and the second Leo made it he jumped in,” Mikey said. “And it was a good thing I did because it did close pretty quick after I came through and boy was Leo pissed off at me-”

“Mikey, when you wake up you have to call us,” Donnie pleaded. “Or at least turn on your phone so I can track you-”

“Did Leo go to dad’s grave?” Raph asked.

Donnie gave him a strange look. “Why would he go there?”

“He destroyed the shrine,” Raph said, a bit defensively. “And knowing that, and the other thing, maybe he wants to damage more of Splinter’s things.”

“I can’t call you, there's no WiFi, we aren’t in our dimension anymore,” Mikey said.

Little Leo let out a terrified whimper that was threatening to dissolve into full blown crying. Raph had enough. “Guys hush, you’re freaking Leo out,” he warned, licking the top edge of Leo’s shell. It was the least offensive tasting place on him. Certainly better than his salty wet toddler face.

“Well we can’t not talk,” Donnie said. “We need to figure out where they are.”

“Yeah well you’re scaring Leo!” Raph growled, making Leo whine again.

Okay, maybe he wasn’t helping.

“I told you I am in another dimension!” Mikey said, frustrated now. “There isn’t any cell service.”

“There are a lot of places in our dimension without cell service and WiFi, Mikey,” Donnie hissed. “Turn on your phone and I’ll be able to get your location based on the last time you had service-”

Raph woke up in the absolute worst position. He was cradled in Slash’s arms like a baby. The second he tried to move Slash’s grip got tighter. Which no, that wasn’t what Raph wanted. He wanted to get out of Slash’s fucking arms.

“You’re fine Raph,” Slash said. “I gotcha.”

“Is he awake?” Casey said, from somewhere off to the side.

The room looked strange but after a second Raph could see it was Rockwell’s med bay at the Mighty Mutanimals base.

“Put him on the bed,” Rockwell said.

“Where’s Donnie?” Raph asked, craning his head around to see another empty bed but it was behind a curtain.

Pain flared in his shoulder as Slash set him down.

“He has a concussion,” Casey said. “Rockwell says it’s-”

“Uh, what was that?” Raph asked.

“What was what?” Donnie asked.

“Leo woke up I think?” Mikey said, “But then he fell back to sleep.”

“I didn’t wake up,” Donnie said confused. “Did you two wake up because I was just in the middle of explaining to Mikey that the whole entire earth doesn’t have cell coverage and then Raph interrupted me,” Donnie said.

Raph lifted his head. “When I woke up Rockwell was putting me in a hospital bed, and Casey said you had a concussion-”

Leo finally had enough of this. He pushed away from Raph and crammed himself into the cold corner of the small shed.

“We have to shut up,” Raph said.

“We can’t shut up we need to find out where Leo and Mikey are-” Donnie started.

Leo let out a high noise, tears were streaming down his face and he was acting like a child surrounded by hungry dogs.

It broke Raph to see.

He stood up and rounded on Mikey and Donnie. “Get out!” he snarled, snapping his teeth. “Get out! I’m acting like I’m protecting Leo so when you leave he’ll calm down!”

Donnie and Mikey scrambled to their feet while Raph backed himself into the corner with Leo, using his body to block Leo from sight. As soon as he was up against Leo he felt the toddler cling to him.

“Go!” Raph growled. “Figure out where Mikey and Leo are then tell me when we wake up for real.”

They scrambled out the door and Raph turned all his attention to Leo. He wasn’t much of a dad or anything, but he felt the pull to protect this small fragile child like an instinct he was born with.

And holy shit was Leo’s face extremely salty. Bleh.

Suddenly he was awake with the lingering taste of child tears in his mouth. Gross. Raph had barely a moment to process that before a phone screen was shoved in his face and he was looking at a live video feed of Karai.

“Where’s Leo?” she asked.

“In another dimension,” Raph said, trying to sit up.

“Oh god my head,” Donnie complained from the other side of the curtain separating the beds.

“Fuck!” Karai seethed. “No wonder he was so willing to let me and Shini leave!”

Raph took the phone from Casey and sat up fully in bed. “What do you mean? When did you hear from Leo?”

“This morning,” Karai said, looking mad? Scared? Scared wasn’t an emotion Raph was familiar with seeing on her. “I had an emergency in Tokyo and I knew I would be gone for at least a week. I wanted to say goodbye in person and assure him that, well it doesn’t matter. If I had gotten the sense that he wasn’t going to be okay I would have stayed.”

“Well, I’d say he’s not fucking okay!” Raph yelled.

Donnie groaned.

“And why aren’t you asking any questions about this other dimension?” Raph asked.

Karai paled.

“Do you know where he went?” Raph asked. 

“It’s the place Splinter would take him on those trips,” Karai said stiffly.

Raph opened and closed his mouth. “He trashed Splinter’s shrine before leaving.”

Karai nodded. “Raph, I’m worried if we don’t find Leo soon, he’s going to do something he can’t undo.”

Next to him Casey went rigid and Donnie was deathly silent. They all knew what she was implying.

“He was carrying around a letter yesterday,” Donnie said, getting out of his bed and coming over to Raph’s. “Do you think that was-”

“No, I helped him write that letter, it was about something else,” Karai said. “I am not saying he’s suicidal and Casey said he packed like he was going on a trip. I just don’t think Leo is in the right frame of mind to be in the dimension where…”

“Master Splinter used to abuse him the worst,” Donnie finished.

Karai nodded. “Have you located Mikey-”

Whimpering, tiny hands, that protective urge poured out of him in seconds.

“Shhhh,” he tried to soothe Leo. Hopefully he was making soothing animal noises and not making Leo feel even worse.

He tried to nudge his nose under Leo’s chin. Leo sat down against the wall and Raph put his head in his lap and wagged his tail.

The relief he felt when Leo started petting him couldn’t be described. It started soft and nervous like Leo was too scared to pet Raph in a way that would make him mad. Leo’s tiny hand ran from the top of Raph’s snout in a line down the back of his neck.

Okay, well, fuck that actually felt really nice. He was doing this to soothe Leo but there was something oddly comforting about being pet? He had never been one for hugging a lot, hell, he could count on his hands how many times Leo had touched him in the last year with any sort of care. So this was nice. Raph could do without the crying but it was still nice. His tail was wagging on its own mostly.

Yeah Raph could easily spend the rest of the night like this-

“Raph?” Casey asked, shaking his shoulder.

Raph groaned. Is it morning?

“It has been ten minutes,” Casey said, “Do you want to talk to Karai still?”

When he tried to sit up Casey pushed him down.

“You keep passing out, Raph, stay down,” Karai said.

“Well I’m not really in control of that,” Raph huffed.

“Yes, it appears Leo is having a restless night,” Donnie said.

The curtain was pulled back so now Raph could see his brother with his bandaged head. April was being a protective girlfriend keeping him from getting up.

“How is Little Leo doing?” Donnie asked.

“Little Leo?” Karai repeated.

“He’s uh…,” Raph tried to act chill. “He stopped crying and he's…, petting my head.”

Donnie frowned. “Did anything happen right before we woke up?” he asked.

Raph shook his head. “He was a lot calmer.”

“So it’s something happening on Leo and Mikey’s end then,” Donnie mused.

“Okay, let me talk to Donnie,” Karai said. “What do you mean by Little Leo? And why do you guys keep passing out on us mid conversation?”

April got up and took the phone over to Donnie. Raph took that as a hint that he could close his eyes and try to fight off the incoming headache. Casey held his hand on the other side of the bed out of sight from anyone. Raph must have been feeling a little clingy because he gripped back tight. He would do anything to be in a room alone with Casey right now.

“In this Dream Realm, Leo is a toddler. He is maybe six years old given the small amount of times he has spoken, his size, and his reasoning skills,” Donnie rattled off. “Also, we found out that we are thrown into this Dream Realm whenever Leo falls asleep and are only able to leave when Leo wakes up.”

“Leo has medication that he can take when he’s having trouble sleeping,” Karai said.

“What are the chances he packed that?” Raph asked.

“Uh, well, I saw it last night it was on his night stand and we check for it-”

“No one is going into Leo’s room,” Karai warned.

April snickered.

“What O’Neil?” Karai asked.

“I mean, I can move things with my mind but sure a door latch will thwart me,” April said.

Holy fuck did Raph absolutely love April. Even Casey was looking over at her with stars in his eyes.

“If you think invading Leo’s privacy will help him come to you for help, then you're about to be very sorry,” Karai warned. “You are right, locks are weak but the trust you'll lose by breaking that one will never be regained.”

Donnie held his hand up for the conversation to stop. “For now, I can ask Mikey to ask Leo if he has his meds, and if he does, have Leo take them,” he said. “Let’s just slow down-”

Okay, this was getting irritating-

Never mind!

Raph was getting his head gently stroked. Fuck, it felt really nice. Leo had short nails but damn that sharp edge combing through his fur. Fuck, he was whacking his tail on the ground so much it was starting to hurt his spine.

“Raph can you hear us?” Donnie whispered from outside the building.

Raph wanted to throw Donnie off a cliff. How the hell was he supposed to signal that he could hear him without scaring Leo?

“Alright,” Donnie sighed, “I’ll probably have to fill him in on the other side. What’s going on with Leo?”

“He keeps waking up, and I keep trying to talk to him but quietly since we are staying in someone else's house,” Mikey said. “Bros, he’s not okay. The place we went to is the place Splinter used to take him for those lessons.”

“Yes, we know, Karai told us,” Donnie said. “She also told us he has medication he can take that helps him calm down. The next time he wakes up, ask him if he has that.”

“Okay,” Mikey said. “Oh and another weird thing is in this world there are a whole bunch of mutants. But like they live in ancient times before electricity and they wear clothes and have farms and there are these little green dinosaur looking things instead of squirrels and all the plants are different,” he listed off.

Raph kept his ear on their conversation and was kind of grateful they couldn’t see what was going on in here. Little Leo was soothing himself by petting Raph’s head. Raph got it, there were times when he did that to Slash back when he was just Spike. Petting an animal feels nice, it’s relaxing.

It was also relaxing for the animal apparently.

Maybe he should offer to pet Slash sometime, the guy probably misses it to an extent. Offer to take a toothbrush to his shell just like the old days.

“The lady we are staying with, she’s a rat,” Mikey went on, making Raph lift his head suddenly.

Which unintentionally gave Little Leo full access to his chin and neck and holy shit was it wrong to never want this to stop?

“We had to ask for directions and when Leo saw her he just froze, so I took over. I think he is okay with her now but I don’t know…, whatever Splinter did with Leo in this dimension must have been really bad,” Mikey said. “Also, like, I wonder why he couldn’t just take us with him and Leo? We wouldn’t be weird here at all, we fit in actually!”

“Yeah,” Donnie said.

“It’s super suspicious,” Mikey said. “He also lied and told me he just bumped into the shrine and that he didn’t purposefully fling across the room. Then he told our host Nizhoni while I was trying on some clothes that he was here to talk to someone who knew Master Splinter.”

Donnie whimpered. “I think there is something you need to be warned of-,” he started.

“Wait, do we just tell Mikey?” Raph asked, clawing his way out of sleep to talk before Donnie could.

His brother shrugged helplessly. “We have to, if he doesn’t react correctly towards Leo when he finds out on his own it could be disastrous.”

Raph paused, slumping back against his pillow.

Everything would have been so much easier if Leo had just stayed here with them. Where he was safe. Where they could talk face to face.

“Find out what?” Karai asked, apparently still on video chat.

Donnie sat up, taking the ice pack April offered him and holding it against his bandaged head. “We need to talk to Karai privately,” he said, looking at Casey and April. “Sorry. It’s extremely private.”

The humans looked concerned but quickly moved to grant Donnie’s request. Raph felt a little guilty hiding shit from Casey, but this wasn’t his story to tell.

“Uh, sure, come on Casey,” April said, taking the cellphone with the video call from him and handing it to Donnie.

Raph started to get up to join Donnie so they could have this extremely awkward conversation with Karai together.

“Okay, fuck this is so weird. Careful how you guys sit because if you pass out you’re gonna be gravity’s little bitch,” Casey said, backing out of the room with April.

“He really has a way with words,” Donnie muttered.

“We’ll sit on the floor,” Raph said, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed.

The floor was finished concrete. The stuff found inside nice newly paved garages, but it was cold and uncomfortable and it would probably suck to lay passed out on it. Whatever though they had to do what they had to do. So shoulder to shoulder Raph and Donnie sat on the floor with their shells up against the side of Donnie’s bed.

“Do you want me to tell her?” Donnie asked, holding the phone out in front of them.

Raph shrugged nonchalantly, but deep inside this was embarrassing. He didn’t want to look a cold and calculating Karai in the face and tell her about the tea.

“Yeah,” Raph said. “Sure.”

Donnie nodded before addressing Karai. “There’s this specific tea that Leo only drank as part of meditation sessions with Splinter, well, recently he admitted it was forced on him. This is also the tea he has been slowly offering to Splinter’s shrine. Yesterday Raph and Leo went to The Lair to get some things, and while Leo was in his room Raph drank some of that tea.”

Karai closed her eyes. “You're a moron Raph,” she said.

“Shut up,” Raph huffed, crossing his arms.

“The tea paralyzed Raph, and gave him an involuntary erection,” Donnie said, sounding so surgical in his tone. “Leo’s reaction to both these things wasn’t surprise but reassurance that his erection would go away quickly. He covered Raph with a blanket and by the time I arrived that side effect had worn off.”

Karai still had her eyes closed.

“We think Splinter was possibly molesting Leo,” Raph said, since she wasn’t saying anything.

She didn’t react to that statement either.

Donnie shifted and wet his lips before speaking. “Karai, I know you know what Splinter was doing to Leo,” he said.

Her eyelids snapped open revealing black slits on a blue-green background. “I didn’t know while Splinter was alive or I would have killed him myself,” she hissed.

Raph stared at her. It wasn’t like they talked to her at all about how she was dealing with Splinter’s death. Leo had visited her in the hospital but Raph, Donnie, and Mikey kept their distance. Raph had always assumed she grieved Splinter and cared about him even if she never showed it.

It made him wonder when exactly she did find out about what Splinter was doing.

“I overheard Leo, talking to you about another child that…,” Donnie gave Raph an unsure glance. “I overheard what I overheard and I talked to Leo about it. And apologized for eavesdropping.”

“What?” Raph asked, barely able to speak.

Karai sighed deeply.

“There were more kids Splinter… touched?” Raph asked Donnie.

His brother wouldn’t look at him. “Mikey also said… he said Leo told their host that he needed to find someone that knew Master Splinter. Do you have an idea who it could be?”

“Leo doesn’t speak to me in detail about this,” Karai said.

“What about his therapist?” Donnie asked.

“Keno is a professional and won’t disclose anything to someone without Leo’s consent,” Karai said, daring them to challenge that.

“So breaking into Leo’s room, asking his therapist, and telling anyone what I overheard will break Leo’s trust,” Donnie said, defeated. “How do I warn Mikey that he’s possibly tagging along on Leo’s revenge mission?”

“I don’t know,” Karai said, unhelpfully.

Raph hated to offer this but…. “You can tell Mikey what the tea did to me,” he suggested.

“Are you sure?” Donnie asked.

“Yeah, not my fault it happened,” Raph said, unable to hold eye contact with Donnie. “And Mikey is smart-”

“Did you hit your head too, Raph?” Karai asked.

Raph scowled at her. “He is, he’s quick on his feet,” he said. “He’ll pick up on what we think this means about Splinter.”

“I’ll tell Mikey about the effects of the tea, but hopefully Leo has his medication and is taking that right now. The next time in the Dream Realm might last several hours,” Donnie said.

“Right,” Raph said, getting up, “Then I’m going to use the bathroom.”

“Hurry!” Donnie warned.

“And when we get Leo back we’re gonna have to get on some bedtime schedule,” Raph grumbled. “This shit is nuts.”

Something Raph noticed about the Mighty Mutanimals med bay was how mismatched it was. This was the medical facilities a group of scavengers put together. Unlike Karai’s hospital wing where everything looked brand new and top of the line. Raph was glad when Leo broke his arm and needed surgery they brought him to Karai’s place.

Not that Rockwell couldn’t have helped Leo, just that Karai’s felt like the closest they’d ever get to a human’s level of care.

Right now Raph would really prefer to not be looking around the med bay area making these comparisons. He’d rather be asleep since it was three in the morning, but that wasn’t really within his control.

“Do you think this is what Leo’s nights are usually like?” Raph asked.

Donnie was on his phone. “Hmmm?” he asked.

“Do you think he always has this much trouble sleeping?” Raph asked.

It had been close to an hour since their last involuntary dip into the Dream Realm. Leo was obviously done trying to sleep right away. Or maybe something horrible had happened on Leo and Mikey’s end.

“I imagine being somewhere that holds a lot of bad memories doesn’t help,” Donnie said.

“Uhg. It’s been hours,” Raph groaned.

And this bed was lumpy.

“It’s been fifty-five minutes,” Donnie said, frowning at his phone screen. “Let’s assume the medication needs at least thirty minutes to kick in if he has it with him. And it takes the average person ten minutes to fall asleep then any bathroom trips and water drinking would take at least five minutes, then add to that being in a traumatizing location…,” he trailed off still tapping his screen.

“And?” Raph asked, propping himself on his elbow. “How much longer?”

“Raph, I’m not calculating anything, there’s no way to calculate when Leo will go to sleep again,” Donnie said. “We just have to wait.”

“Then what are you doing on your phone?” Raph asked, pointing to his phone.

Donnie pointed the screen towards him. There were a bunch of green, yellow, and gray squares with letters that Raph could read from where he was.

“It’s this game where you have six guesses to guess a five letter word. Did you think I was using a calculator?” Donnie asked.

“Shut up, I’m tired,” Raph said, throwing himself back down on his bed. “And cranky,” he added, kicking the blankets off himself.

“Well honestly Leo’s flavor of insomnia is world’s better than mine,” Donnie said. “Even these quick little bursts of sleep are better than what I usually get in these circumstances.”

“At least one of us is benefiting,” Raph said. “This is going to drive me up the wall if this is the new standard.”

Donnie hummed. “Well, when we get Leo back we can sleep in the same room. Have him take his medication. We can create a quiet and safe environment-”

“Wait, does that mean we can’t go back to The Lair?” he asked.

There was no way The Lair was healthy for Leo. They’d at least have to strip their home of anything in relation to Splinter. It hadn’t been discussed yet but they would probably need to get rid of the shrine.

“Maybe not,” Donnie said, thinking about it. “But Leo has a very nice safe looking room at Karai’s. Maybe we can use that until we get this sorted out.”

“Yeah,” Raph breathed.

Thank fuck for that.

“Oh finally,” Mikey said in great relief from the other side of the wall.

“What happened?” Donnie asked.

Little fingers combed through Raph’s neck fur. He looked down to gently lick the top of Leo’s head.

“Ew,” Leo whined, trying to wipe the spit off his skull.

“He puked,” Mikey explained outside. “Like he ran outside and puked. And then Nizhoni got up and offered to get us a doctor, but I said we can find one tomorrow.”

“Mikey, Raph told me that the tea Splinter used to force on Leo-,”

“You’re so gross Bitesme,” Little Leo sulked, rubbing his head on Raph’s fur.

“It gave him an erection,” Donnie said.

“Oh, that’s…,” Mikey was at a loss for words.

It was hard to tell what Mikey was thinking when Raph couldn’t see him.

“And Leo wasn’t shocked by that. He acted like he was aware of it,” Donnie clarified.

“Dude,” Mikey breathed. “Master Splinter was molesting Leo.”

“We-”

“No, no, no,” Mikey wouldn’t even let Donnie get a word out. “There’s no way that’s not on purpose- Oh my god, that’s what those trips were, and that’s why he’s freaking out-” he started panicking.

“We think he’s trying to get revenge,” Donnie added quickly.

Little Leo was now picking up the noise outside and shifting further from that wall. The wind picked up too and beat on the door only adding to the child’s unease.

“It’s not revenge, he told Nizhoni it wasn’t revenge. He said to her “Our parents knew each other,” and that he “needed some answers” or something,” Mikey said. “So it kinda sounded like someone our age.”

Yeah but why now?

Sadly Raph couldn’t both decipher their conversations over the wind outside and soothe Leo. He had to choose one, and he had to be Leo in this situation. He helped the little kid move further from the wall with the wolves talking and also by some miracle got Leo to lean up against him instead of the cold wall.

That’s how they existed for a stretch of time. Leo made himself comfy against Raph’s side and reached over to stroke his closest ear.

“Has Leo calmed down enough for Mikey and I to rejoin?” Donnie asked quietly, poking his snout in the door. “Stop wagging your tail if we should stay outside.”

Raph kept wagging his tail.

Mikey and Donnie gingerly pushed the door open and Donnie carefully put it back in place. They came over to Raph and each rested their heads on his back. Mikey was closest to his head. Leo looked back at them but didn’t move away.

“I wish Raph was here,” Leo sighed, dropping Raph’s ear.

“I am here,” Raph said, wishing he could get Leo to see that.

“He’s my brother,” Leo said, interpreting whatever noise he heard from Raph as a question. “He’s like me. We’re the big brothers. And then there’s Mikey and Donnie but they’re the little brothers.”

Mikey and Donnie shifted behind Raph. The way Leo had put them into groups and also declared he and Raph in the better one. It brought up old memories for Raph.

“Me an’ Raph used to do everything together,” Leo said, with as much drama in his voice a toddler could muster. “But a couple weeks ago, we had a tournament to see who was the best ninja and I won. Raph got real mad and said I was a teacher’s pet and that’s the only reason I won.”

Uhg, that tournament. That was a distant faded memory. Raph remembered being butt hurt about it but he used to get butthurt about every little thing.

“Dad pulled me into his room for the reward,” Leo said.

Raph felt Mikey and Donnie move anxiously. They were all thinking the same thing.

“He told me that because I showed so much potential that he’s going to teach me everything he knows that way when he’s gone I’ll be able to keep my brothers safe!” Leo said, oblivious to the huge responsibility Splinter was dropping on him at six years old. “It’s what I am destined to do!”

And that last bit just made it creepy. Destined to be molested more like it.

“But Raph hates me,” Leo said.

Raph felt those words in his chest. He didn’t hate Leo, he had nothing but a protective need to snuggle Leo. He was so tiny and cute-

But those feelings weren’t exactly what he had for seventeen year old Leo.

“And I’ve been thinking,” Leo went on. Unaware of the thoughts roaring through the heads of the three wolves around him, “Maybe I shouldn’t go home after all. I tried to tell dad to make Raph a Destined Student too but he got mad.”

I never knew you tried to get me in the lessons.

Raph had always assumed Leo enjoyed being the only one who got those private lessons.

“Oh, and I’m not allowed to tell anyone but if Raph and me were both Destined Students then we could hang out again,” Leo said excitedly. “And Raph’s really good anyways I only got super lucky during the tournament. It shoulda been him anyways.”

Yep, Raph was feeling like a huge dick right now.

“I just want Raph to be my friend again,” Leo said, getting quiet. “And when I get us home I won’t be able to play with you three either because dad always wants me to practice something with him. Which isn’t fair because it’s not supposed to be me as the only big brother. Raph an’ me, we’re Big Brother Best Friends Forever. We had a handshake and everything. It was really cool.”

“Oh my god not the handshake,” Raph groaned, feeling Mikey and Donnie laughing in their throats.

“Yeah,” Leo said, responding to Raph’s embarrassed whimper. “And Donnie and Mikey couldn’t know. But now he won’t even do our handshake. We used to be so cool.”

“Oh man,” Mikey whispered. “You two better show us that handshake-”

Raph blinked and he was back in Rockwell’s med bay staring at stained drop tiles in the ceiling.

“It’s seven, I think we are safe to get up,” Donnie said, bringing his phone to his face.

As Donnie was about to get up Rockwell floated in. “You need to stay here. I am worried about your concussion.”

“And both of you need to think about how you are going to stay safe when you could pass out at any moment,” April said, carrying in a tray with food on it.

“Well we can’t stay in bed forever,” Donnie said, as Rockwell shined a light into his eyes.

April handed Raph a bowl of cereal and a plate of toast before turning to Donnie. “You’re staying in bed until your concussion is looked at.”

“Don’t argue with her, Donnie,” Raph chuckled. “You hit your head.”

Raph on the other hand had no need or want to stick around here. He was anxious to get away from everyone.

“You can’t leave either then,” Donnie said. “What if Leo takes a nap?”

“I gotta go to Karai’s and take care of Chompy and Klunk,” Raph said, standing up and shoving his toast in his mouth.

“Well you certainly can’t be behind the wheel of a vehicle Raph!” April scolded.

Raph frowned, what was up with everyone? “Why not, Leo will be awake for at least the next sixteen hours.”

“How about I drive you?” Casey asked.

He didn’t need Casey to drive him, he was fine to drive. He didn’t need no fucking babysitter or for anyone to hold his hand because boo hoo Splinter is a pedophile. Whatever, they were dealing with it and he was fucking fine.

“Seriously?” Raph asked Casey.

His own boyfriend was doing this shit too?

“You think it’s fun for us when you guys randomly pass out?” Casey asked. “Let me drive you to Karai’s. Relax. It’s not a big deal. I don't know why you woke up with your mask in a knot.”

“Whatever,” Raph huffed, pushing past Casey and heading to the garage.

“What’s your problem?” Casey asked, following him.

“Nothing, I said fuck off!” Raph snapped.

“Raph!” April snapped.

Raph turned around and started walking backwards. “You can fuck off too, all of you can fuck off!” Raph yelled, getting the attention of Slash and a few other Mighty Mutanimals.

Goddammit, he just wanted to go check on their pets was that so fucking hard? He slammed himself into the passenger's seat aggressively. He scuffed up the floor on purpose too. Fuck the floor. Fuck everything.

“Dude,” Casey said, glaring at Raph as he got in the driver’s seat. “I’m driving you there and back but I’m not coming in with you. You’re being a real dick right now.”

Shut the fuck up, Raph thought. But it had less to do with what Casey and more to do about what he was thinking about.

.

.

.

Raph’s wrist was getting sore but this new thing he figured out a couple months ago was too fun to quit. The thing was he could only do this at night after everyone had gone to bed because there was no way he wanted his brother’s walking in on his special time. He felt a little guilty about this, like obviously he probably shouldn’t be doing this with his penis but it came out on its own really stiff and was not going away until he dealt with it.

Then his door flew open. He felt like ice had been poured over him as he caught just a glimpse of the towering figure standing in his doorway as he pivoted away to his headboard. He grabbed a fist full of blankets and piled them on his lap.

“What are you doing Raphael?” Master Splinter asked.

“Uh, nothing, nothing Sensei,” Raph stammered, face beet red.

“Face me,” Master Splinter said, clicking the door shut behind him.

Raph swallowed as he desperately tried to cram it away. “Uh-”

“Face me,” Master Splinter repeated. This time the tone scared Raph to his core.

He turned towards his father, keeping the blanket on top of his lap.

Master Splinter looked at the blanket for a long second while Raph kept trying to pull his penis away into his slit. It just wasn’t going away.

“Remove that blanket,” Master Splinter ordered.

Raph shook his head, his legs were trembling. He was in so much trouble. “I can’t, I’m-”

“Are you playing with yourself?” Master Splinter asked in a cruel tone.

Raph hung his head. “It just popped out,” he said.

Probably should leave the part out where he knew how to make it come out.

“Show me,” Master Splinter said.

Raph froze, it felt like time itself was paused and the air was thin.

“Show me now,” Master Splinter said, pulling the firm tone he uses in the dojo.

There was no choice, if he didn’t his father would remove the blanket by force and the punishment would be worse. That was always how it played out. He didn’t know what the punishment for this would be.

He let the blanket drop revealing his shameful state.

Master Splinter breathed in sharply before clicking his tongue. “What were you doing before I opened the door?”

Raph shrugged, staring at the corner of his room instead of Master Splinter. “I was uh… pulling on it,” he said.

“Why?” Master Splinter asked.

“It feels funny,” Raph said, his throat getting tight. He kept trying to pull it in but that required helping it fold up and he didn’t want to touch it right now and get accused of doing it again. He’d just have to hope this lecture would be over soon.

“So you like touching your penis?” Master Splinter asked, stroking his beard. “You like the way it tickles? Show me what you were doing.”

Raph felt like he was going to cry. He pantomimed the action in the air while tears threatened to spill out of his face. “Like, this. But over and over,” he said, turning his face away from his dad completely now.

“Show me using your penis,” Master Splinter said.

Really? Raph wanted to scream.

He grabbed his penis and pulled it once then stopped. He felt like he was going to puke.

“I didn’t say stop,” Master Splinter said.

That was it. Raph couldn’t keep it together. He cried facing the wall while doing as Master Splinter said. It didn’t feel good, it felt awful. Raph just hated himself more and more. When Master Splinter sat on the bed next to him he was sure he was going to die of embarrassment.

“What happens when you do this?” Master Splinter asked, putting his hand on Raph’s back. “Ah, it seems you already know what happens. Is that why there are tissues on your bed next to you?”

“I’m so s-sorry Sensei,” Raph sobbed.

“You are only sorry because you were caught,” Master Splinter said, voice low and mean. “You know what you are, Raphael?”

Raph shook his head, sucking snot up his nose.

“You are a masturbator ,” Master Splinter hissed. “You are unable to control yourself. Is this the kind of thing you would want your brothers to know about?”

Oh please no, not his brothers! They couldn’t know about this! He shook his head but he was too overwhelmed to speak. His hands trembled and he tried to cover his face.

Master Splinter ripped his right hand away from his face and shoved it back in his lap on his penis. “Keep rubbing yourself, masturbator . You have done this to yourself, forced me to this extreme.”

“But you said-” this is wrong.

“I said keep rubbing,” Master Splinter snapped. “I am sorry, Raphael but the best deterrent for this behavior is humiliation. You will complete this act as if I am not here. For your own good.”

And Raph did, sobbing the entire time.

.

.

.

“Raph.”

“Raph, we’re here,” Casey said, tapping his shoulder.

Raph blinked a few times. He had been staring out the passenger side window lost in thought. Now he was looking at the inside of a parking garage.

“Hm?” he hummed.

“We’re at Karai’s, now get out go check on Chompy and Klunk man,” Casey said. “Oh and get Metalhead Donnie said there was something in his chest cavity. Paperwork from the mental health services place.”

“Right,” Raph said, nodding.

Casey stared for a few seconds. “You’re still in the car-”

“Has your dad ever caught you masturbating?” Raph asked.

“What?” Casey asked, dumbfounded.

Raph just stared back at him. Wasn’t like he could suck the question out of the air. And Casey was the only person he could ever ask this question to.

“Why would you ask that?"

"Just, has he?" Raph asked, getting frustrated. "And what did he do?"

Casey slumped in his seat. "Uh, yeah he caught me," he said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "And it was awkward as hell. I was like nine and he was like uh lost on what to do because this was before I transitioned so my dad didn’t know what to say to me, should have been my mom's job. He gave me a book."

"A book?" Raph asked.

"Yeah, I think it was by American Girl or something and it was all about how my body is changing and I am going to be a woman. I’d like to think I read that book and went “absolutely not” and started my path to manhood because seriously fuck all that," Casey said.

"He didn’t ever make you do it in front of him?" Raph asked awkwardly.

"Do what in front of him?" Casey asked, confused. Then his face got serious. "Masturbate?"

Raph suddenly felt like he shouldn't be bringing this up.

"Did your dad ever make you masturbate in front of him?" Casey asked.

The silence gave it away but Raph eventually felt himself nod. It took a lot to do. "More than once."

"Jesus."

"But that’s not- It’s not like he ever touched me," Raph said quickly. "He just watched me do it."

"How old were you?" Casey asked.

"I dunno? Ten? Eleven?" he guessed. "I knew not to do it where anyone could see and he just walked in and when I tried to cover myself he told me to show him what I was doing. A demonstration."

"Dude," Casey said, shocked. "There's no reason ever for an adult to ask a child to masturbate in front of them."

Raph shook his head. He knew it was a mistake bringing this up. "But he was trying to teach me a lesson-"

"Stop. Look at me," Casey said dead serious. "There is no reason for an adult to ask a child to masturbate. No reason."

"Then why would he?" Raph asked.

Casey hesitated. "Because, well, I lied there is one reason an adult would do that."

Raph covered his face and Casey leaned over to squeeze his shoulder.

"That tea that Master Splinter used to give Leo," Raph said, trying to hide how hard it was to talk. "When I drank it and it paralyzed me like you saw, but there was a time between drinking it and help arriving where it gave me a hard on. Leo told me it would go away soon."

"Oh fuck," Casey said.

"Yeah," Raph said.

"Jesus. Fuck."

"Don’t tell anyone," Raph said, still covering his face.

Casey shook his head. "I won’t."

Raph felt his face getting wet which was so stupid. It wasn't anything to get so worked up about.

"But, maybe you should…, talk to Leo?" Casey suggested. "See if maybe Splinter did that to him too?"

Chapter Text

Leo woke up feeling like he had a bad night. His muscles were stiff from sleeping on the floor. At no fault to their host who wasn’t prepared to have two guests. There was a little light to see by so it was about dawn.

“Hey, you okay?” Mikey asked quietly. His face pulled in concern.

All night, every time Leo woke up Mikey would too. It was very comforting actually. Leo’s had hard nights where he would have to keep himself from waking up Shini or Karai and just lay in suffering silence. Mikey waking up on his own made things easier. It filled the silence where Leo was the most vulnerable to intrusive thoughts.

“Yes, I have to use the bathroom,” Leo said.

“Me too,” Mikey said, peeling back the thick wool blankets piled over them.

At least Nizhoni hadn’t questioned their sleeping in the same bed. Leo wasn’t sure if he should tell Mikey that a lot of times couples of the same sex would call each other siblings in order to excuse their closeness in hostile company. Nizhoni may have taken their statement about being brothers as something else. Leo didn’t want that weirdness between him and Mikey, and he didn’t want them to sleep separated. Maybe it was a weird thing that happened to them as a result of being turtles originally.

Since this dimension was from another time, indoor plumbing wasn’t a thing. Nizhoni had an outhouse that they used. Mikey of course had to be versed in the idea of wiping his butt with a stone. Admittedly it was a little weird to take a smooth stone, wipe poop with it, then put it in a bucket of other used stones.

Mikey would likely not take the news that they should volunteer to clean the used stones before leaving but that was a conversation they could save for another hour or two.

After Leo was done with his morning business and his stone wiping he had every intention of heading back to the house.

“Wait for me,” Mikey pleaded.

“Uh sure,” Leo said.

Maybe the clinginess wasn’t one-sided then. He couldn’t fault Mikey for being a little concerned about him. He had puked last night and had an episode of anxiety so bad he felt like he was being stabbed through the chest. It was also a little hard to just forget the part where he clung to Mikey like a little kid.

He even had to take his medication which was only supposed to be for emergencies.

“So do I just wash my hands in the sink water?” Mikey asked when they got back to the house.

“Yes. Sorry Mikey,” Leo said, going over to the sink with him to use that water too. “I’m not used to being the one who answers questions about this place.”

“Yeah you must have had a million questions for Splinter when he’d bring you here,” Mikey commented, drying his hands.

Leo held his tongue. “Sure.”

“Speaking of questions,” Mikey said, following Leo back to their sleeping area. “Raph and Donnie sure had a lot for me about why you have decided to do this now.”

Leo started folding up the blankets. He knew this was all very stupid. He knew he didn’t really have a reason. He just needed more time and maybe some answers wouldn’t hurt.

“Because we pass out when you fall asleep,” Mikey said, helping with the blanket. “So if they’re in the middle of something dangerous in our home dimension. And then you go to bed here…”

Leo stopped folding. Admittedly he had not known that and now it seemed like this was the worst time for them to be separated. “Right. Uh, time should be the same at least,” he said, addressing what he could. “Ten at night here will never be two in the afternoon there.”

“So you thought this through?” Mikey asked.

No, I ran away because I am scared of facing you three with what really happened in this world. The same world you appear to be in whenever you fall asleep.

“Maybe, we should go home?” Mikey suggested, putting his hand on Leo’s shoulder.

This time Leo didn’t pull away. He let it happen. He felt like he was swaying. Home wasn’t a solution either. Home had Splinter’s shrine and his room and that blasted tea.

“No, look it wasn’t planned but when Donnie told me about seeing a Bamboo Rat…,” Leo looked at Mikey hoping he’d get what he was saying. “I knew that the dream beavers were using my mind to torment you three.”

Mikey nodded and grimaced. “Okay, so how does being here solve that?” he asked.

That was a great question Leo didn’t have an answer for. He had to do something yesterday. Karai and Shini left and he felt like he was drowning. They wanted him to read this letter when sometimes he just wanted to kill himself over living in a world where his brothers knew about what Master Splinter did to him.

Or what he willingly did to Splinter.

Or all the other stuff that he couldn’t bear to put in that letter because it was too disgusting and there was no way to ever come back from it.

“Whenever I would come here, Splinter would introduce me to other kids,” Leo said, leaving out key details. “Most of these kids I saw just once. But there was this one. We were kind of friends to an extent.”

“Okay, not doubting you, just…,” Mikey looked like he was doubtful.

Leo hurried to his pack and decided to show Mikey the self portrait Hokolesqua did.

When he gave the paper to Mikey, his brother looked more nervous than curious.

“His name is Hokolesqua. His dad did the same type of lessons with him that Splinter did with me,” Leo explained. “But now, I need to know if he knows where these methods started and why.”

“Lessons?” Mikey asked.

“Yeah.”

Mikey handed the drawing back to Leo. “Leo, we don’t think the lessons had anything to do with Ninjutsu,” he said.

Leo frowned. What else could his brothers think they were? Vacations? Actually, maybe they did. It would fit with why Leo couldn’t tell them. He’d be confessing to that special treatment they assumed he got from Splinter.

“Raph told us the other side effect the tea gave him,” Mikey said.

There was no talking his way out of that. Leo didn’t even know where to begin. He felt like he was falling through the floor.

“So what’s really going on?” Mikey asked.

“I-,” Leo started.

“Good, you are up,” Nizhoni said, in her nightgown. She pointed to Leo. “Get a pale of water so I can get breakfast going.”

“Of course Nizhoni,” Leo said, eager for a chore.

Mikey started to follow him.

“And you, Mike, get the fire started in the stove,” Nizhoni said as Leo headed out the door grabbing the water pale as he went. “We must leave as soon as possible if we want to make it to the nearest town by nightfall.”

“Are you sure, Nizhoni?” Leo asked, holding the harness as she opened the stable door.

When Nizhoni offered to give them a ride into town, Leo knew what she was offering was no small thing.

“You were sick all night,” Nizhoni said. “Let me and Urpi take you into town where you can see a doctor before nightfall.”

Well that sounded like a nightmare to Leo. He barely tolerated Donnie giving him medical attention, but if he ever wanted it from anyone he would choose Donnie.

“Urpi?” Mikey asked, much more interested in the animal that would be pulling them to town.

“She’s a drake,” Nizhoni said. “She’s a lazy thing who chews on my barn all day,” she said, pointing to all the now very noticeable teeth marks on every supporting beam and archway. “A trip to town would do us good.”

Nizhoni led Urpi out of her stable and immediately Leo wanted to draw her. She was huge with a long neck and bulky head. She was orange and white in the pattern of a clown fish. Her legs were long and her spine arched up like a cat. Her tail was long and tapered to a rattle.

“Here, pet her, get her comfortable with you,” Nizhoni said, handing the reins to Mikey.

Leo pet her along with Mikey. Her head was bumpy and the way the scales overlapped made it so one had to brush with them not against them. 

“Urpi come on,” Nizhoni said, bringing over the carcass of a two headed chicken minus its heads. “Over to the wagon.”

Mikey and Leo walked the drake over to her.

“She’s so cool!” Mikey said in awe.

“I’ve only ever seen horses here,” Leo said, watching Nizhoni hook the drake up to her harness then pull the wagon up to her.

Nizhoni wrinkled her nose. “Horses need shoes, drakes are built for stone paths. They’re just intimidating to most,” she said, taking the reins from Mikey and walking back to the house. “Come on boys. To the house. We have to load before we can go.”

“Wow, she’s beautiful,” Leo said, watching her scales sparkle in the sunlight.

In a lot of ways it reminded him of Karai’s scales. He looked down at his own arms. He guessed his scales did it too, it was just that he wasn’t in direct sunlight very often.

“You’re just drooling to draw her,” Mikey said.

Leo looked away bashfully. “Maybe,” not that he’d be any good at it.

“Want me to take a picture?” Mikey asked, getting his T-Phone out.

They probably shouldn’t risk it, but a reference picture would be very helpful. “Don’t let Nizhoni see,” Leo warned.

There was no explaining their advanced technology. Though, now Leo didn’t know if that warning from Splinter was real or not. He had always told Leo to tell other kids and Masters that they were from a far away land unless he said otherwise.

Like with Master Moacir who he had no qualms about telling the truth to.

“I won’t bro, I’m a ninja,” Mikey said, lining up the shot.

“Thanks Mikey,” Leo said, jogging ahead to make sure Nizhoni wouldn’t look back.

“No problem bro,” Mikey said. Then a bit quietly, probably thinking Leo couldn’t hear him anymore he added, “I always got your back.”

As much as Leo wanted to drop the conversation from before the question still burned in the back of his throat. He had to ask, even though it was his fault for running away without figuring out the answer. It rattled around in his chest along with the bumpy wagon ride.

“Is Raph mad at me?” Leo asked, watching the dirt path bleed out from under the wagon.

“About what?” Mikey asked, swinging his legs without a real concern.

“About the tea,” Leo said, looking down at his knees.

Mikey’s legs slowed down. “Why would he be?” Mikey asked, knowing to keep responding with questions or else Leo wasn’t going to engage back.

“Because he told me we had to tell Donnie about it, and then I freaked out before he could, and then I ran away,” Leo said.

Saying it out loud was even worse. He should have stayed home, but he was scared of staying home and he was scared of not having Shini or Karai and he was scared of finding himself somewhere high up with no other options.

“Is that why you ran away?” Mikey asked.

“I don’t know,” Leo said, because that was a hard question.

“Do you have any theories you want to share?” Mikey asked.

He had theories. It was the sharing part that was… not to his liking. It was one thing for Donnie to know he was raped by another child. A child Donnie had never seen or met or had any connection to. Leo had even resigned himself to the idea that if Donnie told Raph and Mikey about that it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

But for them to know that Leo had raped Hokolesqua… which was something he hadn’t even told his therapist for fear of what that made him. Deep down inside he knew what it made him, he knew it was the reason the Dream Beaver were choosing this world to put his brothers into. It had to come back to this world.

“Can I put my hand on you?” Mikey asked.

Leo realized he was petting himself and rocking slightly. He flinched away from Mikey’s hovering hand. “No,” he said.

“Okay,” Mikey said, quickly retracting his hand.

Shell, this made him look like such an asshole. Mikey had spent all night trying to soothe him and calm him and now he was treating Mikey like crap.

“Sorry, just-,” he said, petting himself harder. “I don’t know. I don’t like anyone to touch me. Unless I want them too,” he added quickly because last night he didn’t mind so much. “If that makes sense.”

“It makes perfect sense,” Mikey said, easily and cheerfully. But a little cautious too. “Sometimes touching is like, hey, no, stop that I am busy and annoyed. Like that?”

“I think you know it’s not like that for me,” Leo said.

Because when they touch Leo unexpectedly there aren’t firm requests to stop. It’s straight to being punched or kicked or whatever action he can take to get away.

“It’s okay though,” Mikey said. “We understand why.”

You do not understand why, Leo wanted to say, but that would be mean and it would only open up the conversation for more questions.

“I just, when you go to bed tonight I’m gonna have a lot to answer for. It’s not easy to look your older brothers in the eyes empty handed Leo, and I can’t just not go in there,” Mikey said.

Leo didn’t envy Mikey’s position either. “Right, I- Do you want to lie?”

“Why lie when we can tell the truth?” Mikey asked.

Well, if the truth did anything it would probably at least make Mikey want to get far away from Leo.

“Okay, uh, let’s start with why you came here,” Mikey suggested, folding his hands together in his lap.

Leo chewed on that for a second. “When Donnie woke up yesterday morning, he told me about the Bamboo Rat you encountered. So that combined with the fact that the Dream Realm is heavily inspired by this world, and the Panda Wolves I drew were to protect me from reality… the answer has to be here right?”

“The answer to what?” Mikey asked.

“To why the Dream Beavers are doing this?” Leo asked, not sounding as confident as he would like to.

Mikey nodded a few times but winced. “Do we need the answers right now or should we go home where we are safe?” he asked. “You know, where if something were to go wrong in the Dream Realm and you got hurt real bad again we’d be able to get you medical care?”

“We don’t have that kind of time,” Leo said. “Mikey… when I was little… I would wish and wish and wish that Master Splinter would pick someone else as his favorite.”

Mikey stared.

“I would wish that he would-,” Leo couldn’t finish the sentence before his eyes started burning.

“Leo…,”

“What if I am finally getting my wish?” Leo asked, pressing his thumbs into his eyes. “The Dream Beavers liked sick games. Like when I couldn’t walk they turned me into a superhero only to smack me down,” he said, exasperated. “What if I am getting my wish that you three would understand that I don’t love Master Splinter. I hate him. I hate the part of me that freaks out whenever I say that, I hate the part of me that loses my mind when I can’t do offerings because I am convinced something bad will happen. I hate that shrine. I hate his grave. I can feel his spirit leering over me everywhere I am. I feel like he’s chasing me into the grave.”

He went back to petting and rocking himself. This was worse than therapy.

“No no no, Leo we’re all wolves,” Mikey said quickly. “I don’t think the Bamboo Rats are going to hurt us. The last time we saw one Donnie got close and we saw a memory from him that was kind of super disturbing.”

“What made it disturbing?” Leo asked.

God if Splinter ever touched one of them the same way Leo wasn’t sure he’d be able to take it.

“Did you know Splinter used to beat Donnie?” Mikey asked.

He knew that Donnie was treated badly, more harshly than Raph or Mikey. More insults and higher expectations. He didn’t realize there was something physical.

Then again he never realized the thing about Ice Cream Kitty.

“No, I didn’t,” Leo said.

“Well, he did.”

Leo frowned. “What did Donnie run to tell you guys this morning?” he asked.

“He warned us that he thinks the Dream Beavers are showing us memories where we looked over signs you were being abused,” Mikey explained.

That still didn’t make sense. “What does that have to do with Donnie getting beat?” Leo asked.

“Because after the beating happened, he ran to your room and while we were viewing the memory there was a Bamboo Rat standing on your bed and you weren’t moving no matter how much Donnie called for you,” Mikey explained. “He ran to Raph’s room instead.”

Leo could barely recall things like that. He usually was too sick and depressed after Master Splinter abused him to care if one of his brothers discovered his condition. Though looking back it probably appeared to Donnie that he was blatantly ignoring his cries.

“When we woke up he said when it actually happened there was no Bamboo Rat. He thinks we’re being shown memories where you were struggling with what Splinter was doing and didn’t know… like a punishment. And the Bamboo Rats leer over the things we didn’t see,” Mikey explained.

“Oh,” Leo breathed.

“Yesterday morning we didn’t know what he meant by that,” Mikey explained. “We knew the tea paralyzed you so we realized something was up, then when Raph told us the other side effect… it became clear what was going on.”

Leo clenched his fists.

“Donnie thought us talking to each other would help,” Mikey explained. “And we were working on how to do that when we couldn’t find you and then, now we’re here,” he said, shrugging helplessly.

“I…,” Leo started.

That all sounded really… nice of them.

“And we should go home,” Mikey stressed. “We aren’t mad. I think we’re super worried though.”

Leo looked away. They worried based on part of the picture.

“You don’t belong in the place Splinter abused you Leo,” Mikey said.

“He abused me at home too, Mikey,” Leo added.

“You weren’t puking and struggling to sleep at home,” Mikey said, countering Leo’s point so well it felt like he had been coached by Donnie.

Leo shook his head. “I’ll go home, once I talk to this guy. Okay? I’ll talk to him, I’ll get my answers and it’ll probably get rid of my hang up about this place. Then I’ll go home.”

Mikey fell back against the sacks Nizhoni had packed into the wagon. “What’s so important about him?” he asked.

“He… he was the only kid I knew being told the same lie I was,” Leo said.

“What lie was that?” Mikey asked.

Leo gripped the top of his thighs in frustration. “This idea that what our Masters were doing to us was for a greater purpose.”

Of course Mikey didn’t understand what that meant.

“I know it doesn’t make sense. But I was told this from so young that I never questioned it. Splinter was dead for months before I was able to look back and see… something wasn’t right,” Leo said.

Mikey looked back at him shocked.

“I have to talk to this other kid,” Leo said firmly. “I have to. I just know this is how I’ll get rid of the Dream Beavers. I don’t want you guys to see what Master Splinter did to me. It’s not your fault he picked me.”

“I’m not saying it’s our fault,” Mikey said.

“I know,” Leo winced. “But there was a time when I did think that.”

“Oh.”

The way Mikey’s face fell was too much. Leo shouldn’t have admitted that.

“Can we stop talking about this?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Mikey said, shifting a little closer. “I’m not mad you thought that. Thoughts aren’t controllable. Okay?”

Leo nodded, but he still felt bad about it.

Mikey held out his hand for Leo to take. Leo considered it for a few seconds before grabbing his hand and just holding it. They weren’t close to each other, another one of them could have fit between them. It was just enough to feel a little more steady.

It was mid-afternoon when they arrived at the town of Four Runts. Leo had never heard of this town but a name was a good start.

Leo caught up with Nizhoni before she could hurry off to do her business with the locals. “Nizhoni, please, let me repay you for your kindness-,” he said, reaching into his coin sack, getting ready to give her a handful of silver coins.

She stopped him. “This money is your father’s?” she asked.

“Yes,” Leo said.

“Are you aware of how much you are carrying around?” she asked.

“No, not really,” Leo said, feeling a bit dumb.

Nizhoni lowered her voice. “It’s enough to buy a small plot of land. Take one of these coins to that Inn,” she said, pointing to the battered building down the road. “And you will get robbed, no one carries silver coins in small towns like these. I can break your coin into something smaller but I do not have the full amount on me,” she warned.

She was right. He and Mikey would look like an easy target for a robbery. It would be the equivalent of going to a Motel 6 and pulling out a wad of hundred dollar bills. The staff would surely rob you.

“I’d be grateful for that,” Leo said.

Nizhoni showed Leo some different money. “These brass coins, one hundred have the same value as a silver coin,” she said, almost like she knew Leo wouldn’t know what they were called. “I can give you thirty four of these. And then a one third piece. Take the one third piece to the Inn and that will cover you and your brother for a few nights.”

“Thank you Nizhoni,” Leo said, taking the money.

“Be careful boys, and good luck,” Nizhoni said.

Mikey stopped petting Urpi as Nizhoni led her and the wagon away. “So where are we headed to?” Mikey asked.

“Probably that Inn,” Leo said, pointing it out to his brother. “Hopefully they have a room. Then we can get something to eat.”

“Okay, sounds good. I’m starving,” Mikey said.

“Me too,” Leo admitted.

“Is there an archway in this town?” Mikey asked as they headed towards the Inn.

Leo shrugged. “I’ve never been before, or maybe I have,” he said with a frown.

“How can you not know?” Mikey asked.

Because I was high off peyote a lot of the time.

“We can talk tonight alone,” Leo said. “Let’s get checked in and see about dinner.”

Nizhoni was right, Master Splinter’s money went far. The head of the Inn didn’t question Leo asking for two nights for him and his brother while placing the thirds coin down on the counter. They were given a large room with its own fireplace and wood pile. There were two beds and a chamber pot inside the room.

It was also hellishly boring Leo realized. The room wasn’t spacious enough to even do a kata in and it was considered large by the Inn’s standards. There was no entertainment and Leo hadn’t thought to bring any books or sketchbooks; he had been so focused on his one mission of getting here in the first place.

“How old would this guy be?” Mikey asked, laying on one of the beds. “Can I see the drawing again?”

Leo shrugged. “I guess,” he said, getting out the charcoal drawing Hokolesqua did.

Mikey scooted up to the end of the bed and sat up to examine the paper. “Is he a donkey?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Leo said, watching Mikey’s face carefully.

“How old would he be now?” Mikey asked, handing the paper back.

“Nineteen,” Leo said, looking at the drawing again before slipping it away. “Maybe twenty. He was a little older than me.”

“When was the last time you saw him?” Mikey asked.

“Long time ago. Master Splinter only had us visit him and his Master a few times before suddenly we stopped,” Leo said.

It felt weird to be talking about this. Especially to Mikey. It just felt like he was breaking some rule.

“Oh, he never gave you a reason?” Mikey asked.

Leo felt awkward. It was very possible there was a reason and he just didn’t remember it. Or he repressed it. “No. And, at some point I was pretty out of it while here.”

“Peyote?” Mikey asked, knowingly.

Leo looked up from his bag shocked.

“Donnie asked us if we’ve ever done it,” Mikey said.

“Yes, it was peyote,” Leo coughed. “So my memory is foggy.”

“Okay,” Mikey said easily.

Leo stood up and sat on the other bed. “Sorry it’s so boring here Mikey,” he said.

“Not your fault dude. I decided to be stubborn and stay on this side,” Mikey said.

He still looked bored and given how neither of them had lunch they were both peckish.

“When we get dinner we should ask if anyone sells clothes,” Leo mentioned, looking at Mikey’s clothes. “In fact, it’s probably late enough now that the tavern down the road will be serving dinner. Let’s go.”

“Cool,” Mikey said, super willing to follow.

One of the things Nizhoni didn’t have for Mikey was shoes so he was still using his double wrappings. Hopefully the tavern wouldn’t care that much about it.

When they entered a very different problem came up. The tavern was full of rat people like Nizhoni and Splinter. It made Leo’s blood pressure spike.

“Oh great,” Mikey said nervously. “We can go back to the room-”

“It’s fine,” Leo cut in. “Come on.”

Being a baby the first time they saw Nizhoni was embarrassing enough.

The bartender was a fat gray rat with long teeth. He looked up and then back to where he was wiping the bar off. “No weapons in here, make the other patrons nervous,” he said.

The other patrons were equally large rats. Their fur stained with coal from the nearby mine, their teeth yellow and their nails long.

Leo held his head high. “Your patrons make me nervous so we’re even,” he said, approaching the bar.

At least whatever was in the kitchen cooking smelled really good.

Leo put fifteen of the brass pieces he got from Nizhoni down on the bar. “We’re just passing through,” he said.

The bartender took ten with a snarl. “If you cause any trouble those swords on your back will be passing through you,” he said.

Mikey tensed by Leo’s side, but Leo knew it was a threat only.

He took the five brass pieces remaining. “Understood,” Leo said, bowing his head.

“Then what will it be?” the bartender asked.

The soup was some sort of mushroom bisque with snail meat. Leo told Mikey the snails were also mushrooms, not sure if his brother would be able to handle the truth. It was making Leo’s stomach curdle. Or maybe it was just the fact that he couldn’t stop thinking about how far so little of the money he had brought with him had taken him and Mikey.

Two nights at an Inn. A huge bowl of soup for each of them. A loaf of bread to split between them and beer. Was it all safe to eat? Probably not but they were dumpster divers their whole lives, they’ll survive whatever is going on in the kitchen.

“Not bad,” Mikey said, around a mouthful of food. “Bread is kind of hard.”

Leo nodded. The bread was certainly well baked. 

“This the kind of stuff Splinter would have you eat here?” Mikey asked, trying so hard to make conversation with Leo.

Leo nodded.

“Pretty good,” Mikey said.

“Yeah,” Leo said, playing with those five brass pieces in his left hand under the table.

“Something on your mind?” Mikey asked.

Just thinking about all the times I needed to bend over for someone so Master Splinter would have enough money to buy us food. Turns out he was sitting on a small fortune all earned by me.

“No. Sorry, I think I am just tired,” Leo lied.

When we get back to the Inn I wanted to crawl up in my sleeping bag and die.  

In the other corner of the bar some rats were playing a card game and talking loudly.

“Okay, that’s okay,” Mikey said quickly. “We should probably head back to the Inn soon.”

.

.

.

The door to their room opened and Leo quickly put his sketchbook away. Master Splinter had gone out and told Leo to keep himself busy in his room.

“Here, come in,” Master Splinter said, slurring his words to someone unseen out in the hallway.

“Dad, your back!” Leo said happily coming over to his father.

Master Splinter pushed him away towards the bed. “Yes Leonardo, now get on the bed,” he said.

Leo frowned, seeing a cat person come into the room behind him. He gave Leo an odd look before addressing Master Splinter.

“You better have my money,” the cat person warned, pointing a claw in Master Splinter direction. “You lost that game and you’ve lured me here I won’t be leaving empty handed.”

“If I give you my money how will I feed my boy,” Master Splinter asked.

Leo was worried now. He knew what Master Splinter was doing but Leo didn’t want to bond with this cat person. He wanted to bond with Master Splinter only.

“You should have thought about your boy before running your mouth,” the cat person snarled.

Leo winced. Those claws didn’t look nice at all, he could already imagine them digging into his thighs.

Master Splinter hummed, a little loopy. “Or perhaps there is something I can offer you instead of money?” he said, coming over to Leo and grabbing his shoulders. He smelled of liquor.

“What exactly are you implying?” the cat person asked, eyeing Leo with disgust.

“Leonardo, undress yourself,” Master Splinter said, patting him on the bottom.

Right. Leo cleared his mind and started doing things on autopilot. He would just lay on his stomach and wait for this to be over with.

“What are you doing?!” the cat person yelled.

“Keep your voice down,” Master Splinter said, getting the jars of balms out of his bag.

Leo laid over the edge of the bed with his pants around his ankles. He wondered if it was too late to ask to use the chamber pot beforehand.

“He’s well broken in but he doesn’t move much,” Master Splinter said. “Better than your hand though. This will make us even-”

Master Splinter grunted and Leo craned his neck in time to see him stumble back away from the cat person.

“Now hold-” Master Splinter tried to say before he was striked again.

This time when he fell back he didn’t catch himself. He kept falling and hit the floor out cold. All Leo’s words caught in his throat.

“C’mon kid, we’re getting you out of here,” the cat person said, yanking Leo up by the arm. “That man’s a perverted-”

Leo punched the cat person in the stomach as hard as he could. “Get off of me!” he screamed. The cat person doubled over and let go of Leo.

He scrambled to Master Splinter with his pants still around his ankles. His vision blurring as he tried to get Master Splinter to wake up.

“Master Splinter!” Leo cried.

“Stop fighting me,” the cat person hissed, grabbing Leo and pulling him back away from Master Splinter’s unconscious form. “I’m going to get you out of here, you don’t have to be scared anymore-”

“HELP! SOMEONE HELP!” Leo screamed, thrashing his legs.

Footsteps could be heard in the hall. The cat person dropped him with a curse and flew out of the room.

Leo hit the floor in a painful way but managed to pull his pants on by the time the Innkeeper was at their open door.

“What’s going on?” he demanded.

“My dad,” Leo choked, putting Master Splinter’s head in his lap and cradling it. “He followed my dad home and attacked him and tried to take me! He went that way,” he said pointing.

The Innkeeper took off in that direction leaving Leo alone with his dad. He stroked Master Splinter’s face but he wouldn’t stir.

“It’s okay dad, I have you,” Leo assured him.

And please, oh please don’t be mad.

.

.

.

“Leo?” Mikey asked.

“Yeah, sorry,” Leo said, apparently he had been lost in his own thoughts.

“You good?” Mikey asked, looking over at the gambling rats.

Not really.

Leo nodded. “I just remember Splinter used to gamble in this world,” he said.

“Oh, is that how he got all those coins?” Mikey asked.

For a second Leo considered telling the truth but that was quickly dismissed. It didn’t matter really, it was fine that he was basically a prostitute for Master Splinter to rent out. It was fine. Didn’t make him feel sick at all that he again lashed out at someone who just wanted to help him.

“Bandits!” a voice outside the tavern yelled.

The bar went quiet and a few rats looked out the window before a thin goat stumbled through the door.

“Bandits are coming!” the goat screamed, cradling his bloody shoulder.

Chapter Text

“Bandits?!” Mikey asked, bracing his hands on the table and looking at Leo. “There are bandits in this world?”

Leo looked like he was caught in the headlights. “Yes,” he said, getting up. “And trust me when I say we don’t want to be in a wooden building when flaming arrows start falling from the sky.”

Mikey followed Leo’s lead as they dipped behind the bar and through the kitchen. The kitchen was steamy and hazy almost like a foggy morning in a field. Or sometimes Mikey would see people smoking in cars with their windows rolled up. Mikey never understood that, wouldn’t it be hard to breathe?

“Wait, are we running away?” Mikey asked, as the cook shouted behind them and a ladle was thrown at the door frame as they slipped outside.

Leo made the sign for, Quiet, and got one of his katanas out.

“We have to be careful,” Leo said, edging around the building. “We are ninjas of an unknown clan. That makes us seem bad. I got in a lot of trouble once, telling other kids about Ninjutsu because it scared their parents. Ninjas are synonymous with assassins and thieves.”

Mikey followed close, having to be careful not to step on Leo’s heels. That soup and bread wasn’t digested yet and it felt like his stomach was fighting it.

He couldn’t begin to think about how many calories it was. Like how would he even begin to Google the calories in snail meat? Mikey wasn’t going to correct Leo and tell him it wasn’t mushrooms, but for his own purposes he couldn’t live in blissful ignorance.

“Oh, so we’re leaving?” Mikey asked, feeling like that was uncool.

“Of course not, we just have to do what ninjas do best,” Leo said, peeking out the front of the tavern to where people were running and shouting warnings.

Mikey chewed his lip. “Blend in?” he asked.

“Exactly. Hiding in plain sight,” Leo said, handing Mikey his katana. “So take this.”

“Oh boy,” Mikey breathed.

It had been a while since he had picked up a different weapon from his nunchucks.

“We’re samurais now,” Leo said, taking his second sword out.

Okay, well now Mikey really wished he had read a book on samurais because right now all he had was they protected land from invading Mongolians. But was he ready to rattle off where he came from, who he served, and where he was going? Nope and it wasn’t like he could be a social butterfly about everything. Getting Nizhoni to like him and Leo was one thing-

To convince a town of people he’s a samurai?

Leo was going to need to do the talking. Mikey was torn between this being a bad idea and the fact that these people had no one else who could help them.

Leo gestured for them to cross the road behind a group of three riders on horseback. Mikey did a double take at the horses. Six legs, wrinkly skin and mouths that opened all the way up to their ears.

Just like in the Dream Realm.

They had banners and masks and Mikey couldn’t tell what animals they were. A hoof and a paw could be seen peeking out of sleeves. Fur sticking out of places where clothing had raised up or didn’t fit right. Mikey was conflicted about harming the horses as horrifying as they looked.

Leo was cutting saddles and reins, not caring if the horse underneath those items got the blade too. It was probably for the greater good that a horse got a cut versus the rider using the horse to trample them. Mikey wasn’t that coordinated so he mostly used his borrowed sword to block other swords and knock torches out of hands.

Pretty quickly the idea becomes to just be super annoying to the bandits. Poking at them, startling their weird six-legged horses. Just him and Leo messing with them and darting out of range before they could retaliate was enough to make some lose it.

Mikey was almost having fun. It was exhilarating and it would be easier to use kusarigama to dismount some of these guys but hey the stakes felt low?

Right until he was reminded that they weren’t.

“Help!” a feminine voice screamed. “Get off of me! Get off of me!”

Mikey whipped around and narrowed his eyes. This wasn’t a video game for that girl who was getting pinned down behind that building. Mikey didn’t process the run over to her but he snapped back to himself as his foot connected with that bull’s jaw sending him flying back. 

Too bad in his haste to help her he didn’t realize the second bull until his ax was coming down on his shell. The pain was so sharp it was bright, momentarily lighting up his vision before he powered himself through it and swept the legs and slashed the arm holding the ax before it could hit him again.

All while the girl who he hadn’t even looked at yet was screaming and struggling to untangle herself from the tying up Mikey had interrupted. The first guy he attacked was getting up and not happy about his jaw. He breathed out through his nose in Mikey’s direction.

Mikey gulped. “Run!” he yelled at the girl, so at least when they crush his shell up she could live another day.

His shell was hurting badly, enough to make that soup curdle and boil up his throat. Enough to make his hands clammy and wet. Enough to know he was on that adrenaline timer Donnie always prattles on about.

To make it worse Eminem was right. His knees were weak, his arms were heavy, and he was staring down something pretty deadly.

A sword blocked the ax that was heading towards his face.

“Thanks Leo-,” he breathed before seeing it actually wasn’t Leo.

It was a white rabbit, and he was pushing Mikey out of the way and lunging at the bulls.

“Wait,” Mikey said, looking around.

“Get up or you won’t be with your head much longer,” the rabbit said.

That sounded about right to Mikey. He grabbed the girl, a deer person-mutant-being-chick, and pulled her up off the ground. The rabbit was buying him time and kicking those bull’s asses.

“Thanks for the save, Bugs Bunny!” Mikey called over his shoulder.

The town was in chaos. The miners from the tavern were brandishing pickaxes and shovels. Those six legged horses kicked people and overall it was insanely hard to grasp his bearings. The girl screamed for her dad and took off in one direction. Once Mikey saw her fly into the arms of an antlered deer he focused on finding Leo.

The bandits were starting to look like they thought this wasn’t worth it. Mikey spotted one riding on horseback trying to pull another horse from the town's stable. Leo skidded under the ropes and cut them, sending the bandits' horse stumbling back.

Of course Leo was already running to meet with Mikey before the bandit could retaliate.

“They’re leaving,” Leo said, pointing to the group of bandits heading out of town. Some pulled riderless horses behind them.

“Will they be back?” Mikey asked, feeling queasy.

“Maybe, I saw some people have tied a few up-” Leo started.

“You saved us!” a group of townspeople said gratefully.

They were rushing over to Mikey and Leo. The rabbit that saved Mikey’s shell was even being herded over to them by the encroaching community.

“Uh-,” Mikey started, not knowing what to say really.

Was this the part where they had to say they were samurais? Because while the townspeople looked happy that Rabbit with his ears tied up in a blue band looked skeptical. Leo was backing away since he didn’t like to be touched but already hands were reaching for them.

“You’re welcome,” Mikey said quickly, putting Leo behind him. “But my brother and I have a long journey ahead of us-”

“Come into the tavern for some food and beer. It is the least we can do!” a cow-like woman pleaded latching onto Mikey’s arm like a vice.

“Don’t be stingy,” a man’s voice huffed in the crowd. “Get the wine!”

“Wine!” The townspeople chorus as Mikey was pulled further into the crowd and split away from Leo.

At least Leo’s weary demeanor was keeping the townspeople from getting too close.

“And the healer for his back!” another woman called, touching Mikey’s shell.

Mikey jumped away because ouch that hurt. “Uh thanks but my brother is more than capable of-”

“That’s him,” the doe from earlier exclaimed, pulling an older deer forward. “That’s the terrapin who saved me Papa!”

The antler deer bowed in front of Mikey. “Sir, it would be my honor to allow you to marry my daughter.”

“Uh that’s moving kind of fast don’t you think-” Mikey tried to say.

He didn’t have to worry about getting out of a marriage proposal for long because while he was dealing with his fan club Leo was struggling with his own.

The thing with Leo though was he hated being grabbed, pulled, touched, or clinged to.

So when the townspeople made a startled noise and suddenly backed away from Leo it was clear to Mikey what had just happened.

And how little time he had to de-escalate it.

“What the hell! I just put my arm around you!” the rat on the ground said, hurt and confused.

Yeah, well, that was your first mistake , Mikey thought darkly.

A few other big rats were now rolling up their sleeves and since there weren’t any dishes nearby it was probably to give Leo a beat down. Leo spread his legs in a broader stance and lunged forward. Mikey tackled him and then the rabbit did too.

“Leo no! It’s okay, it’s over,” Mikey pleaded, pushing the rabbit away firmly but keeping his grip on Leo’s upper arm.

“Why would he do that?” one of the townspeople asked.

Leo swung for Mikey. He ducked in time to avoid the hit but the rabbit still came to Mikey’s defense by kicking Leo backwards away from them and the townspeople. Mikey scrambled to get in front of Leo and wave his hands in surrender at the rabbit.

“Stop, he doesn't mean it. He doesn’t like being touched,” Mikey explained, pleading with the rabbit.

The rabbit lowered his sword but kept his face serious. That was enough for Mikey. He just needed to get Leo out of here. They could go back to their room at the Inn and he could do his breathy thing.

“Sorry, uh, we’ll be going back to our room now,” Mikey explained as Leo got up.

The townspeople murmured in a hushed way. Full of judgment and weariness. So much for celebration. So much for blending in.

“Mikey you’re bleeding,” Leo said, knowing better than to touch the injury.

“Yeah,” Mikey said, craning his neck around and feeling oddly light headed. “I am very aware it hurts really-”

His knees buckled into the dirt.

“-bad.”

Mikey sorta passed out? But there was no dream realm or any dream. It was just blinking and suddenly being on a bed plastron down. Leo’s form was in his peripheral vision.

“I will be back in the morning to change the bandages,” an unfamiliar voice said, smoothing something down over Mikey carapace.

“Thank you,” Leo said.

“It is no problem,” the unfamiliar voice said. “Hopefully the herb mixture will allow him to sleep.”

“Yes, I hope so,” Leo said.

Whoever that was, they left and Leo locked the door.

“He was nice,” Mikey slurred.

Leo pulled a chair up to the side of Mikey’s bed and rested his hand on his skull. Mikey nuzzled into his brother’s hand.

“Did you see that one guy say I can marry his daughter?” he asked. “I mean, I’m into dudes but still that was kind of cool in a super backwards sorta way.”

Leo didn’t say anything, he just kept his hand firmly on Mikey’s head.

“Like if she brings me flowers tomorrow we might need to skip town,” Mikey said, not entirely sure he was joking.

Leo wasn’t laughing though. He lifted his head and Mikey saw a few scrapes on his face that he hadn’t seen outside in the dark.

“It’s my fault you got so hurt, Mikey,” Leo said, taking his hand away.

Mikey frowned. “It’s not your fault- ah-” he hissed. Trying to prop himself up had been a bad idea.

“Rest, Mikey,” Leo said, standing up. “We can talk in the morning.”

Yeah, rest… rest sounded good. If he could he would have fallen asleep but he was linked to Leo so he couldn’t until he did. That sucked.

Instead he got to listen to Leo’s mother hen routine. He bundled blankets around Mikey and made sure he was comfy before tending to his own bedtime needs.

Mikey was a little shocked that Leo was getting the other side of the bed ready. As in he was going to sleep on the same bed Mikey was.

Right next to him.

Leo never did that.

“Will you be okay if I take my meds?” Leo asked.

“Dude of course!” Mikey said, sighing internally that he didn’t need to suggest it. “Take those bad boys.”

Leo swallowed his pills with some water from his jug and then got in bed. He reached over and made sure the blanket was tucked up around Mikey’s neck.

It was weird how comforting that was. Splinter never did that for him even when he was sick. Not that he wanted the pedophile touching him looking back, but Mikey did notice a lack of even appropriate contact from his only parental figure.

Mikey let out a contented sigh and yawned.

“Goodnight Mikey,” Leo said, curling up on his side so they were just close but not touching. “Tomorrow we’ll go home. I’ve caused enough pain.”

But what about your friend?

“Ah!” Mikey hissed immediately as a horrible pain stung into his back.

“What’s wrong-” Donnie said, lifting his head from Raph’s back which had been a perfectly nice pillow. He sniffed around Mikey until nearly putting his nose in the wound. “You’re bleeding.”

Mikey nodded, the pain was ebbing but still sucked. “Yeah, I guess those feel-good herbs didn’t transfer over,” he said ruefully.

“I smell blood,” Raph said, craning his head.

“I can’t see well in this light, can you get up?” Donnie asked. “It’s dawn there’s enough light outside for me to work with.”

His legs shook but he got up. It was probably because it was Donnie and he just knew deep down inside that whenever he was hurt, following his brother’s instructions usually made everything better.

“Stay with Leo, Raph,” Donnie said, pawing the door open for Mikey. “We’ll just be outside.”

“Kay,” Raph said, turning his head back towards Little Leo.

He didn’t seem that concerned about Mikey.

“What’s his deal?” Mikey asked, limping even though it wasn’t really helping. The only pain relief there was for this was to simply not move.

Donnie opened his mouth and shrugged like no words could describe the stuff that was happening. Or maybe he had too many words and they were all stuck.

“I don’t know, everything is falling apart,” he sighed, walking around to see Mikey’s wound. “Here, stay still and sit, how did this happen?”

“There were bandits,” Mikey said, suddenly remembering that he had so much to fill Raph and Donnie in on. “I got axed in the back.”

“Bandits? Also herbs??” Donnie asked.

He sounded more scared of the herbs than the bandits.

“You need serious medical care-” he started to scold.

“Or you can just lick it and I’ll wake up all better!” Mikey said, suddenly remembering their magic saliva.

Would he even have to ask Raph to get the cuts on Little Leo’s face or was he already doing it? He was probably already doing it.

“That’s unsanitary!” Donnie squeaked, curling a paw to his chest indignantly.

“Yeah but it works!” Mikey argued. “I healed your arm that way!”

“You did…,” Donnie said slowly.

Mikey could feel him getting his mouth closer to the gash on his back.

“It just feels… so…,” Donnie shuddered before taking a deep breath and putting his tongue on it.

It was really hot, but a good kind of hot like a heating pad or hot water bottle. It had a numbing effect just like the herbs and was quickly taking the tension out of Mikey’s body.

“Thank you,” Mikey said, after a minute of wound licking. “I think you did it.”

“Can’t believe this works,” Donnie said, running his paw over his tongue.

"I mean it’s kind of a perk," Mikey said.

Like, he was able to fix Donnie's arm after it got nommed on by a bear trap.

Mikey wondered how Little Leo reacted to having his arm broken though. They hadn't been with Little Leo back then. It must have been terrifying for him.

"So are the bandits the reason you guys didn’t go to bed until one in the morning?" Donnie asked.

"Yeah," Mikey said. "We were eating dinner and this goat man runs in all bloody screaming about bandits. So Leo and I kicked butt and took names."

And perhaps almost got married off to in the process.

"Maybe start with the beginning?" Donnie suggested dragging a paw over his face. "Did you talk to Leo about coming home?"

"Shouldn’t I wait for Raph?" Mikey asked.

Donnie rolled his eyes. "I doubt he’ll want to listen."

“Why?” Mikey asked, his concern only growing the more Donnie avoided this.

Donnie shrugged and looked away.

“Donnie?” Mikey asked, putting his head under Donnie’s chin. “What happened?”

“I can hardly blame Leo for not telling us about what Master Splinter did to him sooner,” Donnie said darkly. “We’re handling it awfully. I am in a fight with Raph to the extent that he won’t even answer his phone. Leo ran away. We’re getting attacked by the Dream Beavers-”

“We’re good though,” Mikey tried to reassure. Anything to get Donnie out of this spiral or despair.

Obviously Raph was lacking on the hugs, and Donnie needed several hugs administered ASAP.

“B-Team is good,” he teased.

“Don’t call us that,” Donnie sniffled. “But yes, B-Team, as you say, is good.”

“Yay!” Mikey said, wagging his tail happily. “So is there a reason Raph is giving you the cold shoulder?”

“I don’t know,” Donnie said, looking back at the shed. “I must have said something wrong, you know? Or poked too far. I read up on how to help people like Leo at least.”

Mikey perked up. He could use some of that. He could use a YouTube tutorial on how to help his traumatized brother this instant. Maybe with some helpful little animations sprinkled throughout like on all the binge eating disorder documentaries he watches.

“Oh? Like there are books on it?” Mikey asked. “Or videos?”

Please be videos.

“No, mostly websites,” Donnie said. “We shouldn’t invade his privacy. We should start asking for permission to touch him. Maybe not have a shrine to the guy who molested him sitting in the dojo-”

“Wow, that’s a common issue?” Mikey asked, cocking his head.

“No- Just-” Donnie growled in frustration.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding!” Mikey said quickly.

“Well this isn’t the time to be kidding Mikey!” Donnie snapped. “This is serious.”

Mikey backed away. “I know, but I am already dealing with some super heavy stuff out there,” Mikey said, gesturing with his paw as best he could. “In the Waking World. Leo has told me a lot and opened up a little. Like if I had fingers and I would hold them up like an inch apart.”

Donnie squinted, but eventually as he heard Mikey’s words his face dropped into something somber. “Sorry Mikey,” he said. “Look, how about you tell me about your day.”

“Okay, uhhhhh,” Mikey would have tapped his chin if he could easily. “Well Leo woke up yesterday morning and he had to use the bathroom,” he started. “So I also used the bathroom. The Buddy system is very important. Also we wipe with stones. There is a bucket of clean stones that you scrape over your tail hole and then you put that stone in the used stone bucket. So gross! Then Leo was like, “we need to wash the stones to be polite.” And he did! And he set them in the sun to dry! We’re at an Inn now and there is hay. Which is very scratchy, but at least we don’t need to wash it. Leo showed me his Vaseline trick but now my butt is both raw and weirdly moist with Vaseline!”

Donnie blinked slowly. “Was your whole day just discovering how people wiped their butt before toilet paper?” he asked.

“Pretty much!” Mikey said. “I also ate some snails-”

“I don’t want to pry about Leo but-” Donnie interrupted.

Mikey shook his head aggressively. “No, no, no I told him I had stuff to answer for in here,” he said, putting his paw down firmly. “He said that he realized once you told him about the Bamboo Rats that the Dream Beavers were using his subconscious to torment us.”

“So what does running away to another dimension do to solve that?” Donnie asked slowly.

“That’s what I asked!” Mikey exclaimed, he knew he had channeled his Inner Donnie during that conversation. “The answer is pretty dark man.”

Donnie paused. “How dark?”

Mikey jerked his head so they’d get a little further away from the shed. Donnie followed.

“Like, I don’t think Leo was the only little kid Master Splinter was touching,” he said, feeling sick. “The reason Leo went to this dimension is to try to find one of the kids he used to meet up with on those trips. He showed me a drawing of this kid he wants to find. Said his name was Hokolesqua. Said that Hokolesqua had the same type of lesson’s Leo did as a kid.”

“Fuck,” Donnie breathed.

“Yeah. And I think it has to do with that Destined Student stuff Little Leo talks about. I think Destined Student might be more like Molested Student ,” Mikey said.

Donnie nodded. “Did you tell him about us knowing what the tea did to Raph?” he asked.

“Yeah, and that was the part where Leo looked caught,” Mikey said. There was no other way to put it. “The lady we’re staying with sent him to go get water before I could say more but then on our way to town we talked. He said because the Bamboo Rats are attacking us, the Dream Realm is based on the world Splinter would take him, and…”

Mikey didn’t feel good about saying the next part. It was personal…, and kind of mean but understandable.

“And?” Donnie asked, lowering his head.

“And he thinks because when he was little he wished for one of us to get… molested by Splinter instead of him… that he’s getting his wish. And he doesn’t want us to get hurt,” Mikey said, plunging a knife right into his brother’s back.

But was it really backstabbing? How were they supposed to alleviate Leo’s fears if he couldn’t voice them?

“Okay but we’re wolves,” Donnie said, completely confused and barely if at all offended. “Wouldn’t it make more sense if we were the little kids and he was the Panda Wolf?”

“That’s what I said!” Mikey exclaimed.

Damn, he was two for two on channeling Inner Donnie!

“I kind of think I should help him find Hokolesqua,” Mikey said.

Obviously Donnie was thinking super hard about something but Mikey wanted to put it out there. Get it on the board because that wasn’t always the plan.

Donnie looked at Mikey like he had turned back into a mutant turtle. “You two need to come home,” he said firmly.

“I think Leo needs closure,” Mikey said. “If this other kid has any answers at all for Leo they’ll mean a lot to help him recover right?”

“No!” Donnie rushed to say. “Mikey trust me when I say this if Leo had that drawing of that kid in his sketchbook then- Leo really shouldn’t be facing that kid.”

“Why not?” Mikey asked.

What’s so bad about that kid?

“That kid-” Donnie started.

“Come on Bitesme!” Little Leo called happily after wrenching the wood door of the shed open.

Donnie fell silent and the two of them made their way over to the shed. Raph followed Little Leo as he walked a bit from the shed to look around. He didn’t even acknowledge Donnie or Mikey; he was so focused on Little Leo.

“Hey Raph can we talk to you now, Mikey can watch Leo-” Donnie began, trying to walk next to Raph.

Raph jerked his head away. “No he can’t. Back off.”

Donnie stopped in his tracks. Mikey rushed by him to get in front of Raph.

“Hey, what’s your problem?” he asked.

There was no need to crap all over D’s feelings like that.

“Nothing is my problem Mikey!” Raph snapped, brushing past Mikey harshly. “I’m fucking fine. You just worry about convincing Leo to come home. That’s your job.”

Mikey bared his teeth for a second before realizing what he was doing. He took a deep breath. Raph wouldn’t get under his skin.

Donnie came up to him and pushed into him gently before looking in Raph’s direction. “And what? Your job is to aimlessly follow a toddler?” he asked.

Raph didn’t bother responding.

So apparently the idea was to let Little Leo just take them on an adventure. He seemed completely okay with being far away from home with no idea where his family was. In fact little Little Leo didn’t really talk about anything that had happened to him in the Dream Realm. It was kind of weird.

“Karai is worried about… Leo being suicidal,” Donnie brought up out of nowhere while they were following Raph and Little Leo.

“What?” Mikey asked, choking on the words.

“I don’t think she would just throw out a guess,” Donnie said. “Remember about two months after Splinter died Leo stayed with Karai for about two weeks?”

“He wasn’t there constantly,” Mikey said.

He recalled Leo being absent but not for two weeks straight… right?

“For the first few days he was,” Donnie explained. “Then he’d come home with her for dinner and evening training then go back to her place. Like a supervised outing.”

Crap.

“Well, he hasn’t said anything like that,” Mikey said.

Unless he had maybe? Now Mikey was doubting himself.

“And he didn’t back then,” Donnie reminded him. Not helping him ease his worries at all.

“Right.”

“Just… I thought I should tell you,” Donnie said. “Since you seem to be struggling to make the right call here.”

“Thanks…,” Mikey said, not feeling thankful at all.

Donnie held his head high, likely thinking Mikey agreed with him now and the conversation was over. Mikey would get Leo home tomorrow.

“Karai volunteered to take Splinter's things and store them in her compound. Just so we can start cleansing The Lair,” Donnie said.

“Good. Leo would probably appreciate that,” Mikey said curtly.

There was a swarm of emotions in his chest. Guilt, what was best for Leo and his quest to find his friend.

“Are you okay?” Donnie asked.

“Yeah,” Mikey lied.

I feel like I am drowning and you’ll only give me a life preserver if I go along with your plan. But other than that little detail I am fine.

“Just feel bad being wrapped up in video games while Leo was maybe so suicidal he had to stay with Karai for two weeks,” he said.

It was the truth, and looking back he did feel bad. Right now he just had worse things to feel bad about.

“I'm no better. I was holed up in my lab,” Donnie said. “And Raph…”

They both looked across the field they were in, bordering a small and safe creek. Raph was letting Little Leo tackle him to the ground. Little Leo’s laughs carried across the field without a single care.

“Raph was busy spending all his time with Casey,” Donnie said.

“Maybe making The Lair nicer will keep Leo from leaving like he planned on?” Mikey asked. He wasn’t really sure if that was still Leo’s plan.

“I wonder if that leaving he was referring to was an actual destination or... leaving the mortal world,” Donnie mused.

“I need to hug Leo more,” Mikey said firmly.

“He's so averse to touch though,” Donnie said.

Mikey smirked. “Well I'm laying in bed next to him.”

“Really?”

“Yep!”

“That’s good,” Donnie said, beginning to pace. “I think us showing each other a little more compassion and closeness will help. The safe kind of love a family is supposed to give each other.”

Yeah, it’s horrible we have to clarify that.

“NO!” Raph yelped.

Donnie and Mikey snapped their heads towards the noise.

“Look Bitesme!” Little Leo said happily. “A beetle!”

Little Leo got up from where he had been crouched in the dirt and held up the beetle proudly, shoving it towards Raph. Raph promptly scampered away from Leo which only made Leo chase after him.

“GUYS-” Raph yelled in a panic.

“Do you hear something?” Mikey asked Donnie.

“GUYS HELP!” Raph pleaded, running to hide behind them.

Sadly Little Leo was making a b-line for Raph, (or perhaps a beetle line). So Mikey and Donnie did the only thing they could. They promptly stepped to the side allowing Little Leo and his very big beetle through.

“Bitesme, come back and look at its pincers!” Little Leo exclaimed.

Raph ran away before Leo was even close.

“No,” Donnie said with a satisfied sigh. “I don’t hear anything at all.”

“Look at this one Hopper!” Little Leo said, holding up a squirming grasshopper.

“Oh fun!” Mikey said, jumping up and down excitedly.

Less fun for the grasshopper that was paddling the open air and trying to kick its back legs out of the toddlers hand. It was a brownish red grasshopper with yellow dots on its back legs.

“Let’s put it on the tree!” Little Leo declared, walking over to the huge spruce pine just feet away.

Mikey followed dutifully. “Great idea Captain Leo!” he said, marching behind Little Leo.

“There you go little guy!” Little Leo said, placing the grasshopper on a low branch.

“Awwww,” Mikey cooed.

Man, Little Leo was pulling on his heart strings. How could Raph run away from such an adorable little bug rescuer.

Speaking of Raph he was now about twenty feet away stewing while Donnie was bringing him up to speed on what had happened with Mikey and Leo. Mikey was supposed to make Little Leo lose interest in his bug quest while they did that but…

Little Leo struggled to lift up a heavy rock.

Mikey rushed over. “I got it,” he said softly, lifting the large flattish rock up on its side and then toppling it over on its back.

All the bugs and worms scattered, leaving the slow and old insects and spiders to slowly be moved to the tree by Little Leo.

“Wow there are so many bugs!” Little Leo said gleefully. “Look! A millipede!”

He pointed to the rich brown and red millipede. As long as a foot long ruler and as thick as a dry erase marker.

“Yay a millipede!” Mikey agreed, hopping up and down.

“Haha it’s tickling me,” Little Leo laughed, as the upset millipede crawled up his arm. “Okay, to the tree.”

“Yes! To the tree!” Mikey agreed enthusiastically.

“There you go Mr. Millipede!” Little Leo said, pulling the millipede off his arm and placing it on the tree. “Your new home!”

“Bye Mr. Millipede!” Mikey said.

Then Little Leo went back to his fresh hunting grounds to relocate another bug. Little Leo was like a realtor. If realtors took people from their house and put them in another house against their will.

Donnie came over, obviously his talk with Raph hadn’t gone well. “And how are you two doing?”

“We’re uh, taking bugs from under rocks and logs and putting them on that tree,” Mikey reported.

“Ah yes, removing insects from their preferred dark and moist environments and placing them out in the open. I’m sure they love that,” Donnie said dryly.

“Oh shut up Donnie, Leo’s having fun,” Mikey said.

Donnie rolled his eyes.

“Redbeard look! Look!” Little Leo said, holding up a freshly acquired earthworm. “It’s an earthworm!”

Donnie back up. “That’s actually a Red Wiggler,” he said.

“Donnie shush,” Mikey scolded.

“To the tree earthworm!” Little Leo declared.

“Red Wigglers do not want to be on trees-” Donnie started before sighing. “Whatever. Why do I bother?”

“Yeah! Go Leo! Put that earthworm on the tree!” Mikey cheered.

“It’s going to dry out and die-”

“I wish Donnie was here,” Little Leo suddenly said, coming back to the rock. “He’d know what all these bugs were.”

Crazy how fast Little Leo could go from being happy to sounding straight up depressed.

Donnie stumbled, caught off guard by the topic change. “Oh-,” he said, his voice catching. He cleared his throat. “Well, the bugs probably do too…”

“Dad says Donnie is too focus on the things that don’t matter,” Little Leo said, poking through the dirt. “Like bugs and plants. Ento-en- endomopoly and botany. But I like bugs and plants,” he said, placing his hand on his chest.

“Never thought I’d hear Leo diss meditation,” Mikey said.

“I mean it’s Entomology ,” Donnie corrected. “But wow I never realized he actually listened to what I was saying.”

“I want to read about bugs with D, I don’t want to do feeling exercises with Sensei,” Leo said, sitting down and bringing his knees to his chest.

“Oh no,” Mikey whimpered. “Leo don’t cry in a world where I can’t wrap you in a blanket and make you hot chocolate-”

CRACK.

Mikey and Donnie jerked their heads to the noise, even Little Leo turned around to look.

Thirty feet away in the thick overgrown grass was black smoke and green stalks.

“Donnie!” Mikey yelled, putting himself in front of Little Leo. “Get Leo out of here!”

Little Leo made a low scared chirp and in the corner of Mikey’s eye he saw the child turtle do the worst thing.

He went into his shell.

“He went into his shell!” Donnie said shrilly, trying to push Leo away from the danger but the uneven ground caught Little Leo’s shell. “Raph! Help!”

They didn’t have time to wait. The Bamboo Rat sprang out of the tall grass and was headed right towards them.

Mikey bared his teeth and kicked off the ground heading straight for the rat. Straight for his horrible shit head dad.

And this time he was going to rip out Splinter’s throat.

.

.

.

Mikey groaned and shifted in his bed. Candy wrappers and empty chip bags rustled on as the covers shifted. Evidence of the large binge and purge session he had last night. His throat hurt and his mouth was dry. He smacked his lips together and reached over for his water glass.

Empty.

“Uhg, okay,” Mikey grumbled, sitting up.

He dug his knuckles into his eyes trying to rid himself of that sugar headache. Sure he puked most of it up but there was still the lingering after effect. The part where his head hurt and his stomach felt super weak. Even water sounded hard, but he needed something.

He made his way to the kitchen, filling his glass in the sink. He gulped down half the glass and winced. Thirst quenched but his stomach was gurgling. Canker meandered into the kitchen. The old gray cat looked up at Mikey and let out that deep crackly meow. Mikey squatted down to scratch Canker’s chin and smooth his whiskers.

Squatting down Mikey noticed light coming out from under the laundry room door. The closed laundry room door. That door was never supposed to be closed because the closet in the laundry room was actually the litter box room. Donnie put a cat flap on the door and everything.

“Who left the light on?” Mikey mumbled, getting up and creeping towards the door.

As he got closer he could hear someone crying, he cracked the door open and saw Leo sitting in front of the washer with his knees to his chest sobbing. From the washer plumes of black smoke were leaking out of the lid and clinging to the ceiling.

“Leo?” Mikey whispered, opening the door further.

Leo froze and gripped his legs so tight his fingertips got lighter in color. “What,” he asked curtly.

“You okay?” Mikey asked, not sure what to do.

“I’m fine,” Leo said angrily, his face still hidden in his knees.

“Then why are you in here crying?” Mikey asked.

“I’m not crying,” Leo lied.

Mikey hesitated.

Okay… but why lie?

“Why are you doing laundry?” Mikey asked.

“Your cat peed on my bed,” Leo said.

“Oh, again?” Mikey asked, feeling bad. “I thought you kept your door closed at night?”

“Well I must have left it cracked,” Leo said, shrugging his shoulders.

“Okay, sorry…,” Mikey said.

Should I leave you alone then?

Then Canker came in and weaved between Mikey’s legs. Affectionately rubbing up against Mikey’s calves.

“Hey buddy, stay out of Leo’s room okay?” Mikey said to the old gray tabby.

Canker meowed then went through the cat flap to his litter box.

After a little digging Canker proceeded to take one of the longest pees a cat has ever taken. Mikey started to wonder how much pee could possibly be in a cat before Canker finished.

“Uhm, Leo, if Canker just peed on your bed…,” Mikey started, watching Canker exit the cat flap and then the laundry room. “Why did he also just take a super long pee in the litter box?”

“Get out,” Leo said.

“Did you-?”

Leo looked up, his eyes red and swollen and his face wet. “Get out or you’ll be doing flips in the Dojo all night!” he yelled, the room filling with black smoke.

Mikey backed away into the darkness of the hallway. “Kay,” he said, with no sympathy left.

He went back to his room feeling thoroughly stomped on. He eyed Leo’s bedroom door before deciding to look in. The bed was stripped and there were cleaning supplies and rags where something had gotten down through the sheets to the plastic mattress protector.

“Yeah…,” Mikey huffed. “Blame Canker…”

.

.

.

Mikey had a split second to brace for landing on the ground instead of impacting the Bamboo Rat. It simply wasn’t there anymore. He recovered but stumbled and rolled over. He was on his feet looking all around within seconds.

“Where’d it go?” he asked, unable to let his guard down too far.

“I don’t know,” Donnie said, laying down awkwardly right next to Raph.

More like they were both awkwardly laying over something small that they couldn’t move.

Mikey came over, still keeping a lookout. “Is Leo okay?” he asked.

Raph and Donnie parted to reveal Little Leo in his shell. He was on his plastron so at least he was as comfortable as he could be in his shell.

“Is this bad?” Raph asked, licking Leo’s carapace once.

Okay, Raph was full mama bear. Now was not the time for jokes.

“I mean… It isn't great,” Donnie said, sniffing around the toddler. “But it’s a fear response.”

Mikey nodded, laying down too like a loaf of bread with all his limbs tucked under him. Then they’d wait for Little Leo to come out of his shell.

“So the smoke was coming from the washer machine,” Mikey started. “It wasn’t there the actual day.”

“Yes, because he wet the bed and you caught him,” Donnie explained.

Mikey tucked his chin down. “I didn’t mean to.”

“There was no winning in that situation Mikey,” Donnie said gently. “The fact that you obviously knew it wasn’t Canker but dropped it and didn’t tell us means you handled it as well as you could with the knowledge you had.”

Mikey nodded, he still felt bad.

“We can’t judge our past selves with the knowledge we have today,” Donnie said. “If Leo is correct and this is some tactic by the Dream Beavers the best defense is to talk about these memories rationally instead of emotionally.”

Raph shifted like he was uncomfortable.

“Which would be a lot easier if we were all together,” Donnie said, looking directly at Mikey. “So when we wake up, would you please get Leo to come home?” he asked.

Mikey nodded begrudgingly.

Donnie reached over with his paw to get Raph’s attention. “And would you please at least answer your phone?”

“I’ll… yeah,” Raph grunted, looking away. “Okay. Sorry. Sorry I’ve been weird.”

“It’s okay,” Donnie said.

Raph didn’t look like he was okay though. He looked upset, he looked like he was close to cracking and needed some alone time with his punching bag.

“Yeah… things are weird right now,” Mikey added.

“Really weird,” Raph said, voice hoarse.

“Yeah,” Mikey whispered.

Then a cold gust of wind knocked over them. It rustled the trees and hollowed in the distance. They pulled closer to Little Leo so he wouldn’t feel any of it. Mikey even got his paw under Little Leo’s plastron and could feel his frantic fast heart beat.

“It’s cold,” Donnie shuddered.

Sadly just as they were in turtle form Donnie was the most lanky. In the winter time Donnie would break down and put on a hoodie. They didn’t have blankets here.

“Yeah,” Raph said, sounding no better than he had earlier.

“Quiet,” Mikey stated. “Kinda got used to his talking and stuff.”

Raph nodded, nosing Little Leo’s shell. “Yeah, and the Bamboo Rat didn’t even touch him.”

Mikey gulped.

What kind of memories will we see then?

“I wonder what happens if the Bamboo Rat actually gets Little Leo?” Mikey asked.

“It didn’t show up until Leo started talking about Splinter,” Donnie said, not really answering the question.

“Maybe that’s what made it appear,” Mikey said, pinning his ears to his skull.

“Like… bringing back a bad memory,” Donnie said.

Literally.

Mikey opened his eyes, his mutant turtle eyes. He was in bed, on his plastron with several blankets lovingly draped and tucked around him.

And Leo was snug against his side.

“G’morning,” Mikey mumbled.

Leo shifted a little and seemed to realize he was snuggled next to Mikey. He quickly rolled away and off the bed like Mikey was a live grenade.

“Sorry-,” Leo stumbled. “So how did you sleep?”

“Slept great? You?” Mikey asked, turning his head to look at Leo.

“Fine. How’s your shell?” Leo asked.

Mikey smiled. “Donnie licked it for me. Should be all healed,” he said happily.

“Uh… want me to look?” Leo asked.

“I mean look in the mirror bro, Raph licked all your cuts off,” Mikey said. “We’re both healed up. Magic spit!”

Leo went over to the mirror to examine his face touching where there were once scrapes. “That was nice of him…”

Mikey started to get up and Leo rushed over to stop him.

“Mikey stop!” Leo scolded, hovering his hands above him.

“Dude it’s fine-”

“Let me at least look before you get up,” Leo fretted, pulling back the blankets so as to not disturb Mikey’s bandages. “Just relax, we’re going home today. I was just being stupid. This whole thing is stupid.”

Mikey hesitated.

On one hand going home would ease Raph and Donnie, and Donnie seemed adamant that Leo not meet up with Hokolesqua. On the other hand…

Didn’t Leo get to do something he wanted in this world for once? Why do other people get to decide what’s best for Leo?

“Oh actually we, uh, talked it over,” Mikey said. “About you coming here and why.”

“Yeah?” Leo asked, peeling the bandages off Mikey’s shell.

“And we think you’re right,” Mikey said, starting to sound a little more convincing. “We think that you should find Hokolesqua and get some answers-”

“But you got hurt, and it was my fault,” Leo said.

Mikey shook his head. “It wasn’t your fault. It was the bull’s fault. He attacked me.”

What other people do is never your fault.

Leo didn’t respond. Probably because he didn’t have a rebuttal. “Your shell looks perfectly healed,” he said, running his fingers over the gash that was no longer there.

“Told you!” Mikey said, sitting up.

Leo sat on the bed too. “Are you sure we shouldn’t go home?” he asked.

“Positive,” Mikey said, putting his hand on Leo’s shoulder before pulling it away quickly. “If you need to do this then I’m here for you one hundred and ten percent,” he said.

“Raph and Donnie weren’t mad?” Leo asked skeptically.

Mikey forced a smile. “They were…,” he said slowly. “But you know me! I convinced them.”

“Okay, wow, that’s great,” Leo said, standing up and looking pleasantly surprised. “Then we should use as much daylight as we can today,” he said, heading for the door.

“Sounds good!” Mikey said, giving Leo a thumbs up. “While you do that I’m gonna use the chamber pot. Don’t wait up.”

“Yes, I’ll go tell Usagi we won’t need anymore herbs,” Leo said, clearly lost in his own thoughts as he retreated from the door to collect coins from his bag instead. “And I’ll grab breakfast too!” he said before leaving and closing the door.

Mikey was in the middle of using the chamber pot when he lifted his head up and frowned. Replaying the whole conversation and all the lying he’d be doing for the next several days.

“Wait, who's Usagi?” he asked the empty room.

Chapter Text

Leo stopped outside of Usagi’s door and knocked lightly. He knew the rabbit told him to wake him up when Mikey woke up so he could change the herbs and bandages but Leo felt like his presence annoyed him.

They hadn’t really gotten off on the right foot.

“Yes?” Usagi asked, answering the door fully dressed in his blue kimono.

“My brother won’t be needing any more herbs, the gash is completely healed,” Leo said. “I was hoping you might be willing to sell us some of those for the future-”

“They are useless in hands like yours,” Usagi interrupted. “I will be by after breakfast to check on your brother before I leave.”

Leo was shocked. “You don’t believe me?” he asked.

“No, I do not,” Usagi said, looking at Leo darkly.

A normal seventeen year old would have been intimidated. Leo was a Sensei, a leader of his clan. It was upsetting how much Usagi seemed to distrust him at his word but Leo would not show it.

“Then you can come see for yourself after breakfast,” Leo said, turning and leaving.

He walked by the front desk and outside the Inn before pausing to take a deep breath. Breakfast was next on the list but he couldn’t seem to make his feet move. Last night had been awkward and there was still a chance those rats were still mad about Leo punching their friend. The few townspeople out and about were throwing him nervous glances already.

As he walked by a mother and child on the way to the tavern and only restaurant in the small town she pulled her child behind her.

Yeah, Leo wasn’t liked.

It was kind of something he brought on though. He wasn’t a likable person. He had two friends that he leaned on heavily for everything. And the last time he talked to Shini or Karai he had lied to their face. So he’s not even a good friend to them.

“What brings you in?” the barkeeper asked, not as mean as he was yesterday. “Breakfast?”

“For me and my brother,” Leo said, getting his money out. “Is it possible for me to take our breakfast back to the Inn, my brother is still on the mend.”

“Bring back your dishes,” the barkeeper said. “And don’t bother with pay. Least we can do is feed you both.”

Leo swallowed. “Thanks,” he said, sitting down at the bar.

The tavern was pretty much empty. There was a rat sleeping in one of the booths. Leo vaguely remembered that rat being extremely drunk the night before.

As he idly tapped his fingers together under the bar he kept trying to not think about a cringe moment from several months ago. Leo had a lot of cringe moments. Namely every time he came on to Splinter, or enjoyed anything the predator did to him.

This cringe moment was so vivid and fresh Leo was convinced he had maybe dreamed about it last night. It also made him paranoid about it happening again.

See the memory was about a time when Leo… made a mess on his bed. He wasn’t sure why it happened, he had rules to help it not happen like not drinking two hours before bed, setting an alarm for three hours after he gets in bed to get up and use the restroom.

He had a mattress protector. A kind of plastic sheet that caught any accidents. Bought for him by Karai. A replacement was under his bed. There was even one wordlessly put on his bed at Karai’s place. It was rare but it felt like it could happen at any moment.

The particular issue with this one cringe moment was Leo had shamefully tried to blame Mikey’s senile cat Canker for his sheets being in the wash. Because Mikey caught him, crying next to the washer while his sheets were spinning. There was no good lie that would also cover why he was crying.

Looking back he could have said he had a nightmare to cover the crying. It wasn’t a lie, it was just the nightmare was more like a waking one with Leo paralyzed on his bed and the form of Master Splinter pinning him down, poking his fingers inside.

Yes, he wet himself. It felt real at the time.

Could he have claimed he spilled his water glass on his bed? Sure. It would have been a much more believable lie.

Either way Leo hadn’t been able to think that fast. So he ended up blaming Mikey’s cat, then yelling at Mikey for calling him out on the lie.

He did the thing he despised. He threatened Mikey with flips in the Dojo the same way Master Splinter did when he thought they were back talking.

Leo was such a dick that night.

And now, Mikey was being so sweet to him. Convincing Donnie and Raph to let him go see Hokolesqua. Leo had no idea how Mikey pulled that off; he imagined Raph and Donnie were extremely worried about him.

“Here you are,” the barkeeper said, sliding a wooden tray with bread, jam, and eggs to Leo.

Leo nodded his head once. “Thank you,” he said. “I’ll return the dishes soon.”

“So what are Raph and Donnie up to?” Leo asked over breakfast.

Mikey seemed to be okay while eating his breakfast. He didn’t look like he was in any pain. Leo was still not sure how well he bought the magic spit story.

“Uh-” Mikey said, swallowing a large mouthful of food. “Donnie and Raph are fighting.”

Leo pinched his brows together. “Why are they fighting?”

“I don’t know. Donnie didn’t want to talk about it and neither did Raph.” Mikey shrugged.

“So that’s all they did in the Dream Realm? Not speaking to each other?” Leo asked.

Mikey winced. “Well, I mean, you kind of take up a lot of our time and energy dude.”

Oh.

“Right, sorry,” Leo said quickly. “I wish I wasn’t so young in there, I might be of some help.”

“I kind of like it. You’re fun to follow around. Like, uh, last night you were pretty much glued to Raph. You call Raph Bitemes by the way because he bit you but also you favor him so I’m not so sure you’re a great judge of character.”

Leo chuckled darkly. “I bet Raph is really annoyed by me,” he said, forking more eggs into his mouth.

“No no no!” Mikey said quickly. “Raph is like- Dude it’s hard to explain but he dotes on you. He’s always curling around you. He’d always snapping at me and Donnie if we accidentally scare you. He’s always licking your face when you cry and carrying you on his back when you’re tired.”

Leo’s mouth was hanging open, egg hovering inches outside his lips. This news was shocking. The idea of it was shocking. He and Raph barely tolerated each other. Yet Raph time and time again was always there when Leo needed him the most. His coma, and now this.

“I- Uh…,” Leo struggled to find words. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Oh don’t worry, your toddler self definitely shows Raph how appreciative he is,” Mikey said happily. “You’re always rubbing his ears and scratching his chin and you follow him as much as he follows you. It’s really kind of cute. And it was going well for Raph until last night.”

“What happened last night?” Leo asked, not sure what to do with the idea of him petting Raph and Raph tolerating that.

Mikey leaned back and rubbed his hands together. “The best thing ever. I like to call it karma for Raph being short with us. Basically you found a beetle and had to show it to Raph-”

“Oh no,” Leo breathed.

“Yeah, you chased him with that beetle for a while,” Mikey cackled. “And Raph was screaming for us to help him, but honestly we were too busy laughing. Eventually the beetle got away from you and you had to find a new bug.”

“So is that all that happens in the Dream Realm?” Leo asked. “I’m just a toddler? Did the Bamboo Rats show up again?”

Mikey’s face got dark. “Yeah, uh, one did show up.”

Leo wondered what they saw, or if he should even ask.

“I attacked it. When we confront them we get memories,” Mikey said. “Like our own memories played back to us but altered to highlight something.”

“What was the memory?” Leo asked.

“It wasn’t about Splinter,” Mikey said. “I mean, it kind of was but it was from after Splinter died.”

Leo nodded. He had a suspicion he knew what the memory was but he didn’t want to tell Mikey that. It was such a shameful moment. It also didn’t make any sense if that memory was so fresh on Mikey’s mind why would he wake up and act so nice to Leo?

“I think uh…” Leo ran his hand over his face and shrugged. “I think immediately after Splinter died I was… I was really confused and I still didn’t realize what he had been doing to me. If that makes sense. It was like when we were at the farmhouse away from Splinter I was getting these mood swings and-”

“Yeah,” Mikey said. “Wish we had known. We wouldn’t have gone back to him.”

But they would have. Of course they would have. It wasn’t as easy as them knowing. Leo was so brainwashed by Splinter he didn’t even think about using the Kraang Invasion as a way to escape. He was just worried about whether his bond was harmed.

And what Splinter would do to repair it.

“Hey, you aren’t like… suicidal right?” Mikey asked.

Leo felt physically punched by the question.

“No,” Leo said. “Why do you ask?”

“Because that’s what Karai was worried about. And you were talking about leaving after you told us about the lesson’s Splinter left behind. But now there are no lessons… and we know what Splinter was really doing,” Mikey said. “So you’re not like… planning to leave being alive right?”

He should have immediately said no of course not. And the second he couldn't was the second Mikey knew he was considering it. He didn’t know if he should tell Mikey the details. That his plan was to either kill himself if he had to, or leave for another country.

“I-” Leo opened his mouth but his throat was tight and his chest hurt. “It depended on how you guys took it, took the news about Splinter. I could leave to stay with Karai and Shini until I feel better. I could run away and never see anyone I cared about again. I could… just end it. I’m not planning on that right now though.”

Mikey nodded. He put his plate on the table next to the bed and scooted closer to Leo taking his plate and putting it on the table too.

“You’re just going to have to bear through this part,” Mikey said seconds before squeezing Leo in a super hard hug. “Because we love you and we aren’t blaming you for anything.”

Since his arms were pinned down he couldn’t really hug back or wipe away the wetness threatening his eyes. He instead dipped his head down to press his face firmly on Mikey’s skull. His chest felt so tight and his heart felt like it was falling through his chest. It was a swell of homesickness and guilt.

He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to be hugged or held.

He couldn’t help but be haunted by Splinter in these moments. He despised it when Leo touched his siblings. He’d get accused of being too needy and then whatever brother he had been hugging would get discreetly punished later on.

In a way, keeping his brothers at arm’s length kept them safe.

Or so he thought.

Sounded like Donnie was getting beat, and Mikey was forced to eat his cat. Maybe Raph escaped all damage. Maybe that was why he was acting out. Maybe he couldn’t help Raph himself right now but he could run that by Mikey. Raph might be experiencing some form of survivor’s guilt.

A sharp knock at their door interrupted their hug. Both of them jerked up in shock.

Leo motioned for Mikey to stay while he answered the door.

It was just Usagi.

“I am here to check up on your brother,” Usagi said.

Leo nodded, “Then come in.”

The rabbit stepped in and immediately narrowed in on Mikey. Which made Leo nervous. Usagi was an adult. Easily in his thirties and he seemed protective of Mikey.

“Are you Usagi?” Mikey asked. “If so, thanks for the herbs, they helped a lot. I am all healed up!”

“May I see?” Usagi asked.

Mikey looked a little confused. “Uh, why wouldn’t you just take my word?” he asked.

This would actually be a non-problem in their dimension, seeing as they normally didn’t have shirts covering their shells. But at present Usagi was asking Mikey to remove his shirt and that rubbed Leo the wrong way.

“I think my brother is more than capable of telling you he is okay,” Leo said, glaring at Usagi.

The rabbit glared back. “Perhaps your brother would speak differently if you weren’t in the room with him?” Usagi said.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Leo asked.

“Your type knows exactly what I mean,” Usagi said. “No one knows where you two came from, I’ve never seen terrapins this far north so close to winter. You don’t bother to clothe him properly and you nearly struck him last night.”

Leo backed up. “I didn’t mean to-” he started.

“Dude, Leo isn’t abusing me!” Mikey jumped up to say. “Here look, I’m taking off my shirt- Look!”

Mikey pointed his carapace to Usagi. The rabbit tore his eyes away from Leo and looked at Mikey’s shell.

“This is impossible,” he said. “How did that heal overnight?”

Mikey looked over at Leo for an answer. The thing was Leo wasn’t a convincing liar. He was also wary of claiming he used Healing Hands. Of course if Mikey had still been hurt this morning Leo would have done it. Last night he was too exhausted to.

“I’m just really good at healing!” Mikey said. “And Leo waited on me all night. Didn’t move a muscle.”

The rabbit stepped back, not convinced but he obviously couldn’t deny that Mikey was completely healed. 

“Get your brother some better clothes. I know you have the money for it,” Usagi said.

“Okay, but like where do we even go for that?” Mikey asked, putting his shirt back on.

Usagi blinked. “You don’t know?”

“We’re from out of town,” Leo said quickly.

“Where exactly are you from?” Usagi asked.

Crap.

“Uh…” Leo really couldn’t even name a town that would make sense.

The issue was he was usually… high. Especially in the years where Splinter was taking him to brothels. It might have been the only nice thing Splinter did for him. Keeping him so drugged up that he couldn’t panic like the other kids.

Didn’t stop Leo from hearing it though.

“Why should we be telling you about us when we don’t know anything about you?” Mikey asked, crossing his arms.

Usagi pondered this, stroking his chin.

“I am a ronin. I travel from place to place looking for work from those who might need protection or safe passage from one place to the next,” the rabbit explained.

Leo’s eyes lit up. “If I had money to pay you, would you help me find someone?”

Usagi raised an eyebrow. “You are in no position to hire me, however if your brother needs help escaping you I’ll do it free of charge.”

“What?” Mikey asked. “Why would I want to escape Leo?”

Mikey was defending him but Usagi was right. Leo was abusive towards his family. Even if he truly didn’t mean the amount of physical violence he was capable of just for being startled. The verbal meltdowns he’d have if something wasn’t going as planned.

“Leo’s not abusive Usagi, he just…” Mikey looked to Leo but Leo looked down.

There wasn’t really an excuse.

“What if I asked you for your help?” Mikey asked. “We’re looking for this kid we grew up knowing, uhm, Leo can you get the sketch out?”

If Usagi saw it as abuse it meant others did too. April, Casey, The Mighty Mutanimals. Who knows what they say about Leo behind closed doors. They probably think he is as much of a tyrant as Splinter.

They’re right.

“Leo?” Mikey repeated.

Leo looked up. He had not been listening.

“Can you show Usagi that sketch of our old friend Hokolesqua?” Mikey asked.

Usagi was looking at him oddly, like he was weird and untrustworthy. Leo went to his pack and got out the sketch.

“Hmm,” Usagi said. “His kind are manual laborers usually. A few years ago there was a call for ship hands out towards the Black Sea. You should head in that direction.”

“And, uhm, what direction exactly would that be in?” Mikey asked.

Usagi looked away from the page slowly. “You don’t know where the Black Sea is?” he asked.

“No, not really,” Mikey admitted.

Usagi handed the drawing back to Leo and sighed. “Take your brother to the building with the leather drying outside. Use some of your wealth to get yourselves some warmer clothes. The tanner there should know. He’ll want to take measurements and it will be a few days before everything will be ready.”

“So you’re going to help us?” Mikey asked.

“I am considering it,” Usagi said. “And Michelangelo, I am two rooms down if you need safe harbor.”

“Uh, I’ll pass,” Mikey said.

Usagi nodded, throwing Leo a warning glare before leaving the room.

“That guy is kind of uptight,” Mikey said.

Or he was just calling it like it was.

“Mikey, I’m sorry I-” Leo started.

“Dude, it’s- let’s not. Let’s uh- let’s take our dishes back to the tavern and go see that tanner dude, maybe if Usagi sees us doing the stuff he wanted us to do he’ll be more likely to help us,” Mikey said, grabbing their plates.

Leo was surprised by how logical that sounded. He gathered some of his money before setting out.

“I hope you’re right, Mikey,” Leo said. “But it can’t be denied that my behavior is bad.”

“Yeah well this is a tried and true Mikey Method, okay bro?” Mikey said, patting Leo on the shell as they made their way out of the Inn. “Trust me, on this.”

“Tried and true you say?” Leo asked.

“Yeah, it works on you, Raph, and Donnie all the time!” Mikey said, all too pleased with himself. “I call it reverse pestering. Works on Donnie the best!”

“Isn’t that just… leaving Donnie alone until he’s in a mood to do something you want to do?” Leo asked.

“Okay but reverse pestering is a lot quicker to say,” Mikey said knowingly.

This wasn’t the first time Leo had been fitted for clothes. Splinter had taken him to one of these types of places before. Not this exact one but every community needed someone who could sew clothes and put together armor.

They were all kind of the same.

They were all uncomfortable. Getting the measurements done. Leo went first and let Mikey be in the room with him. If the tailor thought that was weird the amount of money Leo was forking over kept him quiet. The meek floppy eared bunny kept his questions to what kind of clothes they would need.

Leo tried his best to answer and pay attention but he was dealing with his own issues. He wasn’t sure if it was his pants or maybe wiping with hay all the time but his slit was itchy.

Sitting down did not help and wearing clothes was trapping moisture. Ironically in this situation being naked would at least bring some air to the area. He wasn’t sure if the vaseline was locking in bad moisture or soothing some rawness.

Nizhoni had said there was a doctor in town but… Leo squirmed at the idea. He was jumping to the worst scenario anyways. The one where he had an infection again when it really was just the hay and stones he was wiping with. He was spoiled by toilet paper and bidets. Mikey had complained about the hay too so he wasn’t alone in this.

It wasn’t like Splinter left him with a permanent vulnerability to getting infections there… right?

“Shoes as well?” the tailor asked, getting Leo’s attention.

“Y-yes,” Leo said.

“Those will take a few days,” the tailor warned.

“That’s okay,” Leo said. “What was your name again?” he asked while getting the money out.

Five silver coins was more than enough. Leo tried not to compare that to how much Splinter would get passing him off to another adult.

“Olch,” the tailor said.

“Olch,” Leo repeated, wondering how many names he had been told and forgotten.

They left the Olch’s place and Mikey nudged him.

“Why are you sulking?” Mikey asked.

“Just, pent up is all,” Leo said. “Maybe we should go for a walk and find some spot to train in? If we’re going to be here for a few days we shouldn’t slack.”

“Okay, yeah, but lunch first,” Mikey said, a hand over his plastron. “My stomach is growling.”

Leo grimaced, he supposed it was lunchtime. “Do you think you can go order us lunch?” he asked, passing Mikey a silver coin. “I have to use the bathroom.”

After lunch they hiked out of the small town and into the woods. They found a relatively grassy area near a creek to train in. Nunchucks were extremely effective against swords so the one on one training with Mikey was honestly good for Leo. So often Raph and Mikey ended up sparring and because Mikey isn’t competitive he never worries too much about beating Raph just to end up sparring with Leo.

It was a warm day and the sun felt nice.

Leo had a headache and his stomach was upset. It could be the food. It could be the looming anxiety about seeing Hokolesqua. He wasn’t even sure what happened to Hokolesqua. He just knew one day Splinter stopped taking him there… and that was when things got a lot worse for Leo.

At least Hokolesqua was consistent. Sure they were forced to rape each other for the entertainment of their fathers, but at least there were moments where they got to be kids. They were able to play in the fields. Hokolesqua taught him how to play Marbles. Hokolesqua had an expansive imagination and always had a game for him and Leo to play.

Always.

After Hokolesqua it was dark times. Brothels. Inn Rooms. Drugs.

A day or so of care to take care of whatever damage Leo’s cloaca had. To clear any infection. It was blurry though. Hazy and hard to focus on. If he could remember what Splinter did, maybe he could do it for himself and get rid of this infection.

“Yuck,” Mikey said, breaking to take a swig of his water jug. “I smell.”

Leo sniffed his own armpit.

“It’s the clothes,” Leo said. “We should probably wash them and ourselves before heading back.”

Maybe they could go up stream where the water was a little deeper. Splash themselves off.

“Like in the river?” Mikey asked. “Do we have soap?”

“No soap Mikey,” Leo said. “We’re roughing it.”

“Yeah we are,” Mikey said. “And you’re cool with us bathing in the same area?”

Leo stopped collecting his things and looked up. “Yes,” he said, uncertain.

“Okay good, cause, I don’t want to be alone,” Mikey said, laughing nervously.

Right, at home he’d never share a bathroom or bathing space with his brothers. Because…

Huh, he guessed he did it because he didn’t want to be accused of doing anything inappropriate with his brothers. Splinter had always been paranoid that Leo was secretly interested in his own siblings.

Which was so yuck to think about.

“I’m not trying to be a prude, Mikey,” Leo said. “I just…” he shrugged. “Splinter made a lot of things weird for me.”

“No, no, no- it’s okay!” Mikey said quickly. “We can, like, have our backs to each other and stuff of course you’re uh… protective of yourself.”

Leo nodded.

“We uh, the three of us kind of had no choice but to huddle together. When you and Splinter would leave for weeks at a time The Lair got big and scary to the point that we were always near each other. We’d even all sleep in Raph’s bed,” Mikey said.

“I’m sorry you three went through that,” Leo said. “I can imagine that would be really scary. I’m glad you had Raph and Donnie at least.”

“Dude, it was nothing compared to what you were going through,” Mikey said, like he wanted to shake Leo.

Leo shrugged and looked down. His throat felt tight again. “Let’s go rinse off,” he said.

.

.

.

“It’s been hours!” Donnie’s voice hissed from the other side of the bathroom door. “The water is freezing cold!”

“Splinter said if we go in there before he gets back it’s Hashi all night,” Raph snapped.

Leo opened his eyes. Had he been asleep or did the fever finally make him lose consciousness?

“I don’t think he intended to be gone more than an hour,” Donnie said, voice scared. Sure they were teenagers now but in this moment Donnie didn’t sound like a sure footed thirteen year old. He sounded like a panicking toddler. “It has been four hours now. It’s sixty degrees down here-”

Leo’s teeth were chattering. He didn’t have the strength to lift himself out of the tub. The water was orange-brown. Some solution Master Splinter left him to soak in.

But Master Splinter would be back soon.

He had to be.

“We are so screwed,” Raph groaned.

“He can’t be mad if we just check on Leo,” Mikey said, knocking on the door. “Leo, you okay?”

Leo winced at the noise. He felt dizzy and cold and… he was so cold it hurt. It hurt worse than his itchy burning cloaca.

The door opened and someone touched the water.

“Why is it that color?” Raph asked, weirded out.

“Just, help me get him out of the tub. Mikey, grab the towels,” Donnie said.

Two sets of hands pulled Leo out of the tub. The air was even colder. His legs were weaker and as they set him on the floor he was able to turn his head away from them before throwing up on the rug and passing out.

Then it was dark.

And there was nothing.

Then there was noise.

“But he passed out-”

“Out!” Master Splinter hissed, smacking the sink. “Pray I will be able to undo the damage your involvement has caused!”

“He was going to freeze!” Donnie pleaded. “The water was freezing cold-”

“I will deal with you later Donatello,” Master Splinter snapped, closing the bathroom door shut.

Leo’s throat felt raw but he was dry and wrapped tightly in several large towels. He had the foggiest memory of his brothers rubbing his arms and sides trying to get him warm. His face was clean and the vomit was gone.

Rough hands stripped the towels away and rolled him on his back. Leo groaned out in pain. The ceiling breathed in and out and the lights were bleeding. His knees were pulled apart and his father said something nice.

Cooing over his body before grabbing his tail tightly. Fingers pressed over burning skin.

Leo squeezed his eyes shut and tried to run away from his body.

.

.

.

Leo took a deep breath. They were sunning themselves and their clothes dry. Overall this afternoon had been relaxing.

The sun and air could do some good for his intimate areas. He tried his best to wash the area in water but the skin was irritated.

“Hopefully Raph and Mikey are keeping up on their training,” Leo mentioned out loud. He was suddenly desperate to fill the silence around them.

“Raph and Donnie are focusing on cleaning The Lair,” Mikey said, a piece of long grass between his teeth. “Like, deep cleaning.”

“Why?” Leo asked.

“So it’s safe… for when you come back,” Mikey said, slowly. “I mean, you already trashed the shrine… might as well get everything out. We don’t want memories of him looming around anyways.”

Leo propped himself up. “Wait, so they’re just tossing all of his things out?”

“No, Karai is going to store them out of The Lair,” Mikey said.

Crap!

He was torn between freaking out and being grateful they were doing that. On one hand he hadn’t gone through everything in Splinter’s room so he had no idea what there was to find. 

“Are you okay? You don’t look like you’re happy with it-” Mikey started, getting concerned.

“I don’t-” Leo struggled to find words. “I don’t know. I see it both ways. Sometimes I wish I could snap my fingers and all his stuff would be gone but also simultaneously somewhere I could get to again if I needed to, but…”

What was the saying?

“There be dragons,” he said, helplessly. “And I don’t like the idea of any of us facing that.”

“I think it’s better we do than you though, right?” Mikey asked. “We know what happened now, so we can just move his stuff and not worry about what we find- Hey- no- don’t do the breathing thing-”

But he was going to do the breathing thing.

Splinter had blackmail material on him. Art, things he had drawn when his sexuality was confusing. When his relationship with himself was puppeteered by an abuser.

He had searched for those things but the room wasn't easy to search in a way that could be covered up. His brothers would have questions if he started slashing futons open and breaking down dressers for hollow compartments.

His hand felt like they were asleep. He tried to open and close his fists to get rid of the feeling as more air rushed into his lungs.

“Leo, it’s okay!” Mikey pleaded. “You’re okay-”

“There are drawings,” Leo blurted out. “That Splinter got mad about and took from me,” he said between painful gasps of air.

“Okay…,” Mikey said slowly. “Donnie and Raph aren’t throwing anything away so they’ll be safe-”

Leo shook his head, but he was too woozy and out of breath to keep talking. He got on his hands and knees and tried to breathe through his panic attack. They were going to see those drawings and not understand. Leo could see their faces now. Contorted in disgust at the things he drew. The things he fantasized about to get away from what was happening back then.

Before Leo knew any better he drew things that he really shouldn’t have. He drew himself as a child with Captain Ryan. He had a fascination with drawing the genitals of his favorite characters. Splinter had been furious. Leo had been spanked raw for the drawings. At the time Leo was confused because if bonding was a good thing why couldn’t he fantasize about being Captain Ryan’s Destined Student?

He was just a little kid.

An extremely fucked up little kid.

He dug his fingers into the grass and dirt. But they didn’t feel like his hands, he couldn’t feel the ground.

Mikey put his hand on Leo’s carapace and rubbed. “You’re okay Leo,” he whispered. “Just try to take a deep breath. I can tell Donnie and Raph to stop cleaning his room out.”

Leo spit onto the ground saliva flooding his mouth the way it does before throwing up. He felt like he was going to be sick. He was just as gross as Splinter. Once his brothers knew everything they’d be disgusted with him. So what was the point of any of this? What was the point of seeing Hokolesqua? Did he really think apologizing to him would absolve his conscience?

Hey, sorry we raped each other as kids. Are you okay? Because I’m drowning-

“Oh Leo,” Mikey whined, wrapping his arms around Leo’s shoulders.

Despite himself he leaned into Mikey. He felt safe with Mikey. He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his face into Mikey’s neck.

“I got you,” Mikey whispered, rocking them.

Oh god it was just like that night at Nizhoni’s where Mikey had rocked and held him. That night had been unbearable but somehow Mikey being there by his side to tell him he was okay tricked him into believing it. If only Mikey knew what Leo was. What he truly was.

How long until the Dream Realm showed his brothers the truth?

“I promise everything will be okay, just try to breathe a little slower okay?” Mikey whispered.

Leo forced himself to breathe deeply and out slowly. It was shaky and uneven. He felt dizzy like there was no way he was getting enough air, but he still did it. Slowly the feeling came back in his hands. The beehive in his chest calmed down and the soothing rhythm of Mikey’s hand running up and down his carapace replaced it.

That was probably… the shortest panic attack he had ever had.

He still felt awful. Nauseous and cramping guts. His skull was full of air and about ready to pop off at his neck.

But at the same time, being held close by Mikey made things better. He wrapped his once numb arms around his brother’s shell and hugged him tight.

Mikey’s breath hitched before he squeezed Leo back even harder and rested his chin on the top of Leo’s skull.

Leo could have stayed in that hug forever, but he didn’t want to overstep. He was sure Mikey was already tired of him so he pulled away and shifted back a little on the grass.

“Sorry,” he said, wiping his eyes dry.

“You’re sorry for needing a hug?” Mikey asked.

Leo didn’t respond. He was sorry for a lot of things. He was sorry for the things his brothers didn’t know about and couldn’t tell them about.

“You know Mikey, if at any moment you want to get away from me and go home, you can,” Leo said.

“Why would I do that?” Mikey asked, frowning.

Leo shrugged, looking anywhere but Mikey. “Just wanted to make sure you knew.”

Mikey looked like he wanted to say something else but stopped himself. Instead he reached over to touch his tunic spread out in the grass.

“I think our clothes are dry enough to put on if we want to head back,” he said.

Leo nodded. That sounded like a good idea.

As he got up his knees wobbled. Panic attacks really take it out of him, but usually not that much…

Mikey was quick to grab his arm and steady him. “Erm, maybe you should lie down when we get to our room?” he suggested.

“Yeah, maybe,” Leo said, shaking his head in an attempt to clear his vision.

“I can grab us dinner,” Mikey added, making sure Leo could stand without falling over before gathering their clothes.

That sounded good to Leo. It’d also give him some privacy to put some more Vaseline on his butt while Mikey was gone.

They ate at the tavern. Mikey ordered for them and Leo got done in their room in time to go meet Mikey there so they could eat at the establishment. Afterwards they crept around the back of the tavern and up onto the roof facing the outside of town. The sky was huge and pink as the sun was setting. The roof was surprisingly comfortable. The wooden shingles were covered in moss making it feel like a cool carpet.

“I miss Klunk,” Mikey sighed. “I hope Raph is taking care of her.”

Leo smiled. “Raph gives her treats by the handful, Mikey. I bet she’s living the best life.”

“You’re probably right,” Mikey said. “I just miss her soft face. Are there cat people in this world?”

Leo nodded. “Yes, I’ve met a few.”

“Was Splinter scared of them?” Mikey asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe. It never stopped him from doing business with them,” Leo shrugged.

It hurt remembering the cat being in this world that had tried to save him. Not every adult Leo was offered to was a monster, but that cat was the first one to do more than just reject Splinter’s offer. He had attacked Splinter and tried to take Leo away from him.

“Business?” Mikey asked. “What kind of business?”

Selling my body.

“Uh, metals I think. I was… everything is fuzzy, but I think it was copper? It’s common in our dimension but rare here. It’s malleable and sought after for jewelry making,” Leo said, wishing he hadn’t talked at all.

It wasn’t a lie. Splinter did take copper from their dimension and bring it over here. But he used it to buy time with younger kids. He wasn’t selling it to jewelers.

“Are you sure Donnie and Raph are okay with us finding Hokolesqua?” Leo asked, sitting up then regretting it because he was sore.

Not that he was trying to accuse Mikey of lying… it was just that if Donnie overheard Leo telling Karai that there was a drawing of a kid who raped him in his sketchbook, and if Mikey had said anything about Leo having a sketch, then Donnie had to know that Hokolesqua was that kid.

“Uh, yeah!” Mikey said, with the wave of his hand. “So, do you think you’ll be happy to see Hokolesqua?”

“I don’t know if I’ll be happy,” Leo said. “I just hope I can talk to him and that whatever he is doing… he’s happy.”

“Oh,” Mikey said. “Do you think you’ll want to visit him more often if he’s happy to see you?”

“I don’t know. I just need to talk to him. I need to know what happened between Moacir and Splinter. I need to know why I wasn’t allowed to see him. I…”

I need him to forgive me.

The part he couldn’t say out loud.

Because he wasn’t doing this to protect his siblings. He was doing this to protect his ego. If the Dream Beavers were showing his bad memories Leo needed to face his biggest regret. And since he couldn’t track down all those kids he saw only once, he’d have to hope Hokolesqua was willing to talk.

Leo rubbed his arms.

“You know how I’m in therapy?” Leo asked.

“Yeah,” Mikey said. “What about it?”

“Therapy doesn't cure you, it can be nice to hear that what you feel isn’t new or different from other people,” Leo said. “But people who haven’t experienced it… don’t really know what you mean. I can tell Keno, my therapist, that I am mad at my body for reacting the way it did with Splinter even though I didn’t want that. And he can tell me I have no control over that. And that can help a little bit, but the memory is still there. Splinter using it as confirmation that I liked what he was doing is still there. I still have to live with that memory, you know?”

He looked over at Mikey, who nodded.

“Well, Hokolesqua… he wasn’t the only kid that I ever saw molested by his parental figure in my time here,” Leo said.

He didn’t want Mikey to know that Hokolesqua had raped him, and that he had raped Hokolesqua, and that the next day they’d play Marbles and not think about it. He didn’t want Donnie to know that. It was so gross, but he couldn’t change what Donnie overheard.

At least Donnie hadn’t told Raph or Mikey.

“I was told this lie from when I was very little, that there was something about me that made me destined to be great,” Leo said. “That was how Splinter groomed me. And that’s why I never questioned it. And that was the same lie Hokolesqua was told. His father Moacir used the same exact lie.”

“Okay…” Mikey said slowly.

“So if anyone knows what I’m going through, it’s Hokolesqua,” Leo said, gripping his arms hard. “But I am scared he’ll want nothing to do with me.”

“Well, no matter what happens Leo, I’ll always want something to do with you,” Mikey said, inching closer.

“Thanks, Mikey,” Leo breathed.

And I’ll still forgive you if you can’t.

Some commotion in front of the tavern grabbed their attention. Both of them crawled up the roof to peer over the edge.

It was just Usagi playing horseshoes with some local kids.

“Oh man, I played that game at the farmhouse,” Mikey said. “What? There wasn’t a lot to do aside from watching Crognard,” he said defensively. “Oh and Donnie took the Lawn Darts because they were quote unquote dangerous, whatever.”

Leo nodded. “I’ve played horseshoes too,” he said. Then he looked down feeling a little sad.

“Leo?” Mikey asked. “Why are you mopey all of a sudden?”

“It just occurred to me that the only time I ever played games that weren’t related to training was here. Splinter never let me play games with you three,” he said, picking at the shingles.

Mikey perked up like he had a great idea. “Then we should go down there and ask to play!”

“Mikey, we can’t do that, it’s a kid’s game and-”

“Usagi’s doing it, annnnd it would show him we’re good people. So he should help us find Hokolesqua. And stop thinking that you hurt me,” Mikey said. “Come on!”

Before Leo could argue Mikey was sliding down the roof.

“Hey Usagi, can we join?” Mikey asked as soon as he landed on the ground.

Leo carefully followed. He landed behind Mikey quietly and took in the scene before him. Usagi and several children around him. A male goat child, and two light gray rats.

“Of course,” Usagi said, smiling at Mikey before looking at Leo more seriously. “Is your brother joining?”

I mean Mikey literally asked if we could play, Leo thought bitterly.

“I can just watch-” Leo tried to say.

“No no no, Leo,” Mikey said, taking his wrist and pulling him forward. “There’s finally a game you’re willing to play and it just so happens to be centered around my specialty of throwing things at other things! You’re playing.”

Usagi looked just as shocked as Leo felt.

He did feel a bit of warmth spread through him. Happy to be wanted. He hadn’t played a silly game with one of his siblings since he was six or seven.

“Then let’s get the horseshoes gathered back up,” Usagi said.

Chapter Text

This was not a pleasant job to do alone. Donatello had arguably done much grosser things. He was the first to plunder moldy computer parts from scrap yards. No wet and bug filled spider webs could keep him away from a box if there was a slim chance a tool he could use or repair was in there. He had a whole childhood of unclogging sinks, toilets, and shower drains. Of fishing his hands into dark and unknown crevices for green paper that might be money.

And knowing no stronger hatred than flipping that bill-shaped paper over to find a bible passage and an invitation to a church.

Sure he was an atheist based on science, but somewhere deep down it was also spite.

Today though, his lips were stuck in a constant stiff upward pull. His scales felt gross even being in Splinter’s room. The idea loomed too hard that this room was where Leonardo suffered the most unspeakable abuse. Thankfully the walls couldn’t talk. Sadly Donatello’s imagination could.

He should be taking breaks, but it was hard when the only other option was to sit around waiting for Michelangelo to call. As the day dragged on it was getting less and less likely that Leonardo and Michelangelo would come through to this world before tonight.

It made Donatello feel hollow inside.

Then his phone chimed.

Raphael [Friday, 08:22:52 PM]

Where r u?

Donatello almost felt like ignoring Raphael. He had done the same to him for all of Thursday aside from a few texts. That would be mean though. And even at his most spiteful Donatello didn’t want to worry his brother.

Donatello [Friday, 08:24:08 PM][read]

Lair.

Why?

Raphael [Friday, 08:25:23 PM]

Did u eat dinner?

Donatello [Friday, 08:25:55 PM][read]

Not yet.

For a second he kept looking at his phone expecting Raphael to reprimand him for not eating. The text never came. Donatello pocketed his T-Phone and set his sights on the worst object in Splinter’s room.

The futon.

Moreso the idea of what the futon had been used for. Donatello would rather use his mouth to take apart a computer found in a dumpster over simply breathing the same air this futon touched. He wished badly that there were rubber gloves for his mutant hands. Now that he thought about it, he could make his own latex gloves. A mold of his hand and a simple machine-

He was getting off topic.

The first thing he had to do was gather Splinter’s pillows up. He put them in garbage bags and tossed them unceremoniously out of the room into the Dojo. He then removed the blankets and put them in a trash bag. He knew they were cleaned. They washed them and remade his bed shortly after he died, but the idea still loomed.

He made note to also get Splinter’s spare sheets out of the storage room. Anything that might have been touching Leonardo while he was with Splinter needed to go. Personally Donatello would like to see it burnt but that wasn’t his decision.

The futon, which had never been washed. Maybe the outside slip had, but the stuffing would be close to their age. Donatello cringed as he folded it over lengthwise then paused when he heard crinkling.

His phone chimed but he ignored it. Now he had a problem, a serious conundrum. He could either continue rolling the futon up and bend whatever papers were obviously hidden between the filling and the slip. Or he could unzip the slip and fish them out.

The idea made him sick. It was one thing to wonder what Splinter was hiding under his bed, but knowing what Splinter was doing to Leonardo made it very clear what this would be.

And yet he had to do it didn’t he? He didn’t want that burden to fall on Leonardo. If he could pull whatever this was out, identify it, place it in a folder with a label then Leonardo could decide what he wanted done.

Donatello’s stomach flipped as he reached into the futon and pulled out the papers. He took a deep breath before looking down.

Just a quick glance then look back up.

They were facing down. Of course they were. He flipped them over and while he had every intention of looking away quickly he couldn’t. He had expected photos of his brother, but instead he was greeted with bright colors and faded crayon.

Drawings.

Donatello slumped in relief. It was just some drawings. Ten drawings of different colorful cartoon characters. Now he wasn’t naive. There was a reason Splinter took these and it was certainly because they were explicit. Crudely drawn by a young hand but the idea was clear and heart breaking. It was also intimate. Clearly these drawings were personal.

He stacked them together and put them in an envelope. He labeled it ‘Vent Art’ and went back to the futon.

Obviously those were confiscated to keep Splinter’s secret safe. If any of them had seen those drawings they would have had questions or even more likely made fun of Leonardo. This would threaten Leonardo’s warped world view. Hopefully that was the worst Donatello would find today. The futon was the last thing he was dealing with before breaking for the evening.

Despite this he did a final sweep of the inside of the futon and found another item. As he pulled it out it appeared to be a journal.

“Hey.”

Donatello turned around quickly. “You startled me!” he hissed.

Raphael shrugged. “I sent you a text,” he said. “What’s that?” he pointed to the book.

“I found it in Splinter’s futon,” Donatello said.

“What’s in it?” Raphael asked, entering the room. He was taking in everything Donatello had done without him.

“I’m not sure, you came in as I found it,” Donatello said. “I’m not sure we should read it.”

Raphael nodded. “But you want to, don’t you?”

Donatello looked down, rotating the book in his hand. He did want to peek inside. “Would it be wrong?” he asked.

Part of him didn’t care about Splinter’s privacy. Fuck him for everything he did. Yet another part knew that it wasn’t just Splinter’s privacy on the line.

It was Leonardo’s too.

“I say we look,” Raphael said. “I’m not turning a blind eye anymore.”

“Then how do we do it?” Donatello asked.

“From the beginning?” Raphael suggested.

“Fair enough,” Donatello sighed, cracking the journal open.

There was a pang of grief at seeing Splinter’s handwriting. Where for a second all the grocery lists and chore lists came back and he realized there would never be another note in Splinter’s handwriting ever again.

It was quickly stomped away by knowing what Splinter was.

America isn’t how I thought it would be. I am glad this is only a vacation, but I hope I can return to Tokyo soon. This was Shen’s dream, not mine. I miss her but being here almost makes me resent her for trying to force us to move here. My father said it was a phase, something new mothers go through and that I needed to wait it out. Maybe it was a phase when she was pregnant. She was still adamant we move even after Miwa was born. I shouldn’t be mad, we had so little time together. I’m sorry Shen. I’m sorry we didn’t have more time.

“It’s just him writing about coming to America,” Donatello said. “Sounds like standard grieving.”

Raphael reached out for the book. “I’ll read the next one.”

Donatello nodded and waited as Raphael read the next entry.

“He went to the pet store,” Raphael said. “He just wrote about that being his favorite place.”

Admittedly the journal was very plain. Maybe it was some sort of therapy for Splinter to journal about his trip to America honoring Shen’s memory. Then, on one of Donatello’s turns to read an entry and summarize, he hit something concerning.

I cheated on Shen. We were dating. It’s not so much the cheating, but who I did it with. I don’t dare write his name down. I feel so guilty for it. He was my father’s pupil. I am not a homosexual. But the boy came on to me. Flirted with me. And Shen was away at her university and Saki had gotten to me. Telling me that Shen would leave me for a more worldly man. I still feel bad about it. He was fourteen, and I was twenty-eight. There was something exhilarating about it. About being with someone so young. Someone barely half my age. It wasn’t worth the stress though. Thirteen is the age of consent in Japan, but it gets legally sketchy because I am over twenty. If he had told someone what we did of course I’d be on the line for it. Even though he came on to me that night. I think about him often. I have four sons now and I still think about a fling I had a lifetime ago. I hope Shen can one day forgive me.

“Yeesh,” Donatello sighed, “You’re going to have to read this one for yourself.”

Raphael took the journal and read. His eye ridges raised as his eye scanned back and forth.

“Fucking hypocrite,” Raphael snarled.

“Self hating gay,” Donatello said. “Do you want to read the next one?”

“I want to scan ahead,” Raphael said, flipping through. “Here’s Mikey’s name.”

Raphael read the passage. “Uhg, what an asshole,” he said, passing the journal back to Donatello.

I need to put Michelangelo on a diet. He is expanding horizontally while his brothers are expanding vertically. It is hard, he gets very emotional when I give him less than his brothers. He’s smart enough to know his portions are smaller. I thought he was simple. He can’t do a single task without getting distracted or messing it up. Currently Leonardo and Raphael are the only ones who show any sort of promise. They’re strong and well balanced. Michelangelo will need a lot of work and I’m not sure it is worth it. I refuse to let him become obese. I know he isn’t much older than four but his arms are so flappy I can pinch the fat on them. His face is fat too.

“Yeah, he’s a growing toddler,” Donatello muttered.

Without thinking he turned the page a few times and found his own name mentioned several times.

I tried to kill Donatello. Tried being the key phrase. If I wanted to succeed I should have done this when he was younger. I thought I took Donatello far enough away that he’d never find his way back. He’s five, I thought five was too young to get back home. Unless he has been sneaking out of our home behind my back. I took him nine miles from home to a junkyard. I waited until he was distracted, I told him he could have anything he wanted and since he was a greedy child he immediately went hunting. As I left him there, with morning just an hour away he was saying something about water filters. I assumed whoever ran the junkyard would find him and either kill him or take him somewhere. These turtle things have to be worth money. If I was human I certainly would have sold them and rebuilt my father’s Dojo in Japan. But now that I too am a monster I can’t go back to that life. Obviously he is a little shaken. I had explained to the other turtles that Donatello must have left in the middle of the night, and that I would go searching for him once the sun set. The chubby one, Michelangelo, was very upset. Probably because he eats all of Donatello’s food when I’m not looking. There has to be a reason Donaello is so bony and Michelangelo so large. Leonardo and Raphael do not have these issues simply because they are big enough to defend their plates from his greedy hands. Of course Donatello came back while I was away, telling a story of how he was at the junkyard with me and then I left without him. That was a mess, they are all so attached to each other it’s not normal. Certainly not normal for them to be so touchy and clingy with each other. They were all on top of Donatello when I came back, and they were all mad at me. I managed to twist my words around, do a bit of lying, and emphasize to Donatello that he must have wandered to the junkyard dreaming that I gave him permission. He is five after all, I managed to get him to believe that story. It was a close one. If I try to get rid of him again I’ll need to make sure he does not come home. He is currently sleeping on my futon in my room. He seems to want to cling to me but I keep brushing him off. He is the ugliest one of them and he upsets my stomach to be around. It will be a long night.

Donatello let his hands go limp. He didn’t know how to feel.

Raphael took the book and asked something.

Donatello was miles away in a memory he had repressed. Of a junkyard and dogs and being cold, hungry, and scared. Of feeling proud that he made it back home but so ashamed that he had wandered off. Splinter even grounded him from TV for a month.

All because he failed to not come home.

“Donnie,” Raphael said. “Let’s stop, that’s-”

“It’s fine, it’s not like-” Donatello shrugged Raphael’s hand off. “It’s not like he actually did it-”

“The fact that he attempted at all is horrible, Donnie,” Raphael snapped.

There was this weird humiliating pressure behind his eyes. He looked down hiding his face before the first tears could hit the top of his thighs. He thumbed them away angrily, barely aware of Raph throwing the journal on the futon and pulling him into a hug.

“No more tonight,” Raphael said, fiercely. His hold on Donatello was nearly painful.

Donatello nodded as a low sorrowful cry slipped up his throat, followed by so many more.

.

.

.

“Dad?” Donatello asked. “Am I in trouble?”

Master Splinter looked up from his book where he was writing from. “I have yet to decide,” he said. “Now go to sleep.”

“But I’m not tired,” Donatello said.

The futon felt lonely and Master Splinter’s room was bigger than his own. The candle light made shadows dance on the walls. It reminded him of the shadows of humans he had to avoid all day.

Master Splinter sighed. “You have not even tried to fall asleep,” he snapped. 

Donatello pulled his head into his shell.

Immediately Master Splinter pinned his ears back before closing his book. He got up and Donatello for sure thought he was going to get hit for talking too much. Instead Master Splinter fluffed his pillow and forcefully made Donatello lay down. He then tucked the blankets in all around Donatello’s side before sitting back.

“There, now close your eyes,” Master Splinter said. “You have had a big day.”

“I’m sorry I ran off, I really thought you took me there-”

Master Splinter shook his head. “You are mistaken, you must have had a dream. I am disappointed but you are young, mistakes happen.”

Donatello nodded. A lump was in his throat. Today had been so confusing. He’d never just wander off without permission. He wasn’t a rule breaker and he didn’t know how to get to the junkyard before today.

His father went back to his journal and Donatello tried to make himself fall asleep. His mind was racing and he felt so guilty about today. Not only had he run off, he had lied to his brothers. Doing the one thing that annoys him when they do it; make up stories.

Donatello opened his eyes to peek at Master Splinter. His father was still writing in his journal and when he started to look back at Donatello he quickly closed his eyes again pretending to be asleep.

It seemed like Master Splinter wrote forever, keeping Donatello awake with the scratching of his pen all night.

.

.

.

So.

Sobbing on Raphael was not on the itinerary today. Really it wasn’t. But something about reading how his own father tried to kill him just did it strangely enough.

Emotions were complicated. As much as Donatello could logically say Splinter was a pedophile, a child abuser, a horrible dad… he was still their dad. Donatello had always given Splinter the benefit of the doubt. Sure he wasn’t his father’s favorite son, but his father certainly still loved him right?

Apparently that was not the case.

And it felt like there was now a heavy knife sticking out of his chest and robbing him of a full breath of air.

Raphael had done all he could to calm him down. Ice water helped, laying on the padded bench in the pit helped. It didn’t cure him.

When April arrived she was more of what Donatello needed at that moment. She sat on the bench and placed his head in her lap while Raphael sat on the bench next to Donatello’s feet and explained what they had found. What Splinter had tried to do.

“Oh Donnie,” April said, her voice as broken as he felt.

She brushed her hand over his head. Something Donatello would usually be horrified to have her do in front of Raphael or any of his brothers. Right then he didn’t care. He was going to soak up any affection he could get. He kept his eyes closed and focused on breathing.

There was a lot of pressure in his head. The kind you get after sobbing with your whole entire body. The convulsive sort of crying that left your back hurting and your chest tight.

April’s hands are grounding and she brushed the back of her knuckles up and down between his eyes. It felt good, it relieved some of the pressure in his sinuses that were now so full of snot he could only breathe with his mouth.

“I can’t believe Splinter would do something so horrible,” she said.

Oh, this isn’t even the worst of it, he thought bitterly.

Raphael shifted by his feet. Likely thinking the same thing. Donatello would tell April everything if it wouldn’t destroy Leonardo. He would drag Splinter’s name through sewage and spill out all of the ugly horrible things he had done. He would find a way to connect it to Hamato Yoshi and get his human identity ruined too.

“Donnie, you should really eat something,” Raphael tried, resting his hand on Donatello’s ankle.

“No thank you,” Donatello said, voice a bit nasally and raw.

April cradled his head, running her fingers to the base of his skull before rubbing them in small circles. “When will you two fall asleep?” she asked.

“Up to Leo, I guess,” Raphael said, standing up. “I guess you’re okay right there Donnie. I think I’ll grab a cot and sleep next to you. You want a cot too, April?”

“No, I’ll sleep up here with D. So, just some blankets and pillows would be nice,” she said.

“Okay,” Raphael said, leaving to get those items. His footsteps were heavy and sluggish.

April stopped rubbing his neck. “Come on Donnie. Let’s get you up and ready for bed.”

Right, he couldn’t just sleep in his gear and grimey mouth. That would be gross and he was already gross enough as it was. He got up and followed April upstairs.

“I’m going to use your room to change into my pajamas okay?” April said, holding up her folded pajamas. “Go brush your teeth and get your gear off.”

They split ways at the top of the stairs. April disappeared into his room and he stumbled into the bathroom.

It had been really nice of April to pack an overnight bag and come stay the night at the drop of a hat. It was Friday and she talked about staying until Monday which would be nice.

After using the toilet he brushed his teeth while avoiding his own reflection.

He never thought of himself as ugly. He knew he wasn’t human so he’d always be ugly in the sense that he was some scientific anomaly. A creature that by all means shouldn’t exist.

But in the confines of his family he never thought he was the ugly one. They were all ugly weren’t they? Their father was a giant rat, and they were disfigured turtles. Now Splinter apparently thought he was the ugliest? The most annoying? To the point that he wanted to kill him?

Ironically there were times when Donatello wanted to die. When he had plans or the inkling to kill himself. A well placed remark by Splinter could have ended it. He didn’t need to take Donatello somewhere and dump him. Donatello could have done it himself.

And just like with everything, he would have been able to do it better than Splinter.

When he got back to the pit Raphael was setting up his cot to be right next to the couch. He and Dontello would be within an arm’s reach of each other.

“I had Leatherhead take Klunk to his place,” Raphael said, making conversation unprompted. “Figure she’d get more one on one with him than she would with us.”

Donatello nodded.

“Chompy is in my room,” Raphael said, pausing as he was spreading his blankets out.

Donatello swallowed and nodded. He must have looked particularly pathetic because Raphael dropped what he was doing and came over to the foot of the cot to hug him.

Raphael was shorter, but in hugs he made up for it by squeezing hard enough to crack shells open. Right then that hug was particularly needed as tears once again streamed out of his eyes.

“I love you, bro,” Raphael whispered.

“I love you too,” Donatello choked out. “It’s a lot to take in.”

“Yeah,” Raphael breathed, tucking his head firmly under Donatello’s chin.

“But also… I always thought I was maybe reading too much into it. Or I was too sensitive. But I guess I know now that he actually h-hated me,” Donatello said shakily. 

“I’m sorry Donnie,” Raphael said, squeezing him. “I’m sorry.”

They spent a few minutes in that hug before April got back downstairs.

The TV was on low.

April was asleep since she wasn’t tied to a mind in another dimension. Donatello and Raphael weren’t so lucky.

There were thunderstorms predicted for Sunday. Nothing too serious, maybe flash flooding. This was the kind of television that would usually put Donatello to sleep. Now he was stuck awake when he really wanted to escape into an inky dark slumber.

Too bad there was no escape. The Dream Realm was just moments away. As soon as Leonardo drifted off it was just more to deal with. A world with the monster version of their father and-

Donatello breathed in shakily. It didn’t wake up April but it made Raphael stir and roll over. He reached his hand over and grabbed Donatello’s wrist. Saying more than he ever could with words.

Then his eyes fell shut against his will.

Donatello blinked. The warmth of blankets torn away and replaced by the chill and wind of the Dream Realm. The long grass he was laying in tickled his nose making him lift up his head and sniffle.

“Hey,” Michelangelo said, a bit sheepishly.

“Hey,” Raphael said, shifting to check on Little Leonardo.

He was still in his shell. Donatello wasn’t too concerned yet. When they were younger their shells were bigger relative to their bodies. Little Leonardo could likely breathe okay and wasn’t in any duress other than the initial stress that caused him to retreat into his shell.

“You guys good?” Michelangelo asked.

Raphael looked up at Donatello for direction. “Yeah we’re…”

“We’re good,” Donatello cut in, nodding his head. “Doing a little sleep over in The Lair.”

“Is Klunk okay?” Michelangelo asked.

“She’s staying with Leatherhead,” Raphael said.

Michelangelo relaxed a little. “Oh, good. Guess that’s for the best huh?”

“Probably,” Raphael agreed. “April is spending the night with us. We uh… Donnie do you want to-”

Donatello shook his head. Not only did he not want to reopen the wound of what they had both learned just hours prior, he didn’t want to burden Michelangelo with it.

“We found Splinter’s Diary… it’s a lot to take in,” Donatello said.

And that’s all he would say for now.

“Leo warned me that uh, there are dragons,” Michelangelo said, pawing the ground a little with nervous energy. “When cleaning Splinter stuff I mean. Leo seemed pretty upset when I told him your plan to clean Splinter’s room.”

“Dragons?” Raphael asked.

“There be dragons. It’s a saying. Means that there are… bag things in the path ahead,” Donatello said.

An entire journal full of dragons.

“Go figure Leo would say it like that. Fucking Dick, with his sayings,” Raphael huffed.

“You miss it,” Michelangelo teased.

“I miss it,” Raphael muttered.

“Uh, did Leo say why he was upset?” Donatello asked.

Michelangelo shrugged. “Something about drawings?” he said, uncertain. “And also not knowing what was in Splinter’s room. He had a panic attack that I talked him through. He can’t die from having a panic attack right?”

“No, but people experiencing them often feel like they’re dying,” Donatello said. “Tell Leo I found the drawings, and I’ll put them in his room for his eyes only.”

“What were they of?” Michelangelo asked.

“Something Splinter didn’t want us to see. If we had seen them as kids we’d probably ask questions that Splinter wouldn’t be able to talk himself out of,” Donatello said, looking down.

“Oh.”

Such as times when he tried and failed to kill me. He sure found a way to talk himself out of that.

“You okay, D?” Michelangelo asked, inching closer.

“Yes,” Donatello said, sniffling up some snot and regaining his composure the way he had learned to after getting smack by Splinter hard enough to break skin. “I’m fine. How are you and Leo?”

“Good, uh, we got a little training in,” Michelangelo said. “And we played horseshoes with some kids and this rabbit person Usagi. He’s going to help us find Hokolesqua.”

Wait-

“What happened to you coming home?” Raphael asked, squinting.

Michelangelo shrugged.

“Mikey-” Raphael growled.

“What do you want me to say Raph?” Mikey asked. “Tell Leo what he has to do? Shouldn’t Leo get to decide what’s best for him?”

Donatello shook his head and took a deep breath. A headache already starting to fester. Of course Michelangelo hadn’t gotten the message last time.

“There’s a certain mental health concern at play here, Mikey,” Donatello began gently, and slowly. “Leo has a complicated history and I’m not sure you’re making the right choice here.”

“Well, it’s not like you’re telling me anything,” Michelangelo pointed out. “Leo says Hokolesqua was his friend.”

“That’s a lie,” Donatello said spitefully.

He knew damn well what Hokolesqua was and he never wanted Hokolesqua near Leonardo again.

“Well that’s what he said,” Michelangelo said, like Leo was incapable of lying.

“Hokolesqua raped Leo,” Donatello said darkly.

He regretted the words the second they slipped out. Michelangelo’s face fell and Raphael turned his head quickly towards Donatello in shock.

“What?” Raphael breathed.

Donatello closed his eyes.

“No, you gotta fucking explain that one,” Raphael said.

“I am, just give me a second to get my thoughts in order,” Donatello snapped. “Monday night. The first night Leo left the hospital. Raph and you went to The Lair and to hang out with your boyfriends. I can’t blame you and I don’t. I had my own things to do. It was while I was giving Leo his check up after you left that one thing led to another and he told me about the Peyote. We spent the afternoon talking about it and researching it.”

“How does that-” Raphael began.

“Let me finish,” Donatello cut in. “We talked into the dinner hour and then Shini found us. She invited Leo to dinner with her and Karai and Leo kind of fourth wheeled me into the night. When we got to their suite it was awkward. Leo went to hug Karai and talk to her… I made a decision I deeply regret. I asked to use the bathroom but instead I stood just on the other side of the bedroom door listening to their conversation.”

“Not cool,” Michelangelo pointed out.

“I know,” Donatello sighed regretfully. “And Leo knows I know this, and he hasn’t forgiven me, but he doesn’t hate me…”

Unless he does. If you can delude yourself for years into think Splinter just wasn’t fond of you and even forgive him for trying to murder you then it’s possible your misreading Leonardo’s opinions of you. He even ran away to another dimension just to get away from you.

He hates you.

“Uh-,” Donatello stammered as he struggled to push away that line of thinking. “I, uh, as I was saying. What I overheard was Leo trying to refuse a therapy appointment she set up for him and her saying ‘There is a drawing of your rapist in your sketchbook’, as a way to shut him down. He defended it by saying this person was a child too. So Hokolesqua hits all the marks. Child, and he was in Leo’s sketchbook.”

Michelangelo looked confused. “I-… then why does he want to see him?”

“I don’t know. I just know Leo is lying to you, Mikey,” Donatello said earnestly.

“What's gonna happen when he sees Hokolesqua? Is he out for revenge? Is he trying to tie up loose ends before he offs himself? Karai said he was suicidal in the past,” Rapahel said.

“No, no, no he said Hokolesqua was a Destined Student like he was,” Michelangelo said quickly. “So he wants to find him for answers.”

Donatello shook his head, he nor Raphael said anything in response to that. What could they say to convince Michelangelo that Leonardo was lying?

“I asked him and he says he isn’t suicidal,” Michelangelo said. “I asked and he said- well he said he was thinking about it depending on how we took the news-”

“Leo will say whatever he needs to,” Raphael cut in.

“I’m not going to boss Leo around in this dimension. I’m not,” Michelangelo said firmly. “I’m going to help him find Hokolesqua. And if you guys think that’s the wrong take, then maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m just stupid Mikey again making stupid choices.”

“No one is calling you stupid-” Donatello said, growing irritated.

“Yeah, you are!” Michelangelo snapped. “You’re just talking down to me like a kid. I’m here with Leo. I’m the one who went through the portal after him. I’m the one who’s holding his hand through this. I see his face and hear his voice when he talks to me. I trust him and I have good reason to.”

Donatello shook his head. He was talking to a brick wall. “Mikey-”

“I’m not basing this off stuff I’ve eavesdropped either,” Michelangelo said. “You ever think you might have only part of that story? You even said the part where Leo says Hokolesqua was a child when he raped Leo. A child.”

“He still did it,” Donatello pressed. “Child or not.”

“And what would you say if Leo had raped someone as a child?” Michelangelo asked.

“Leo didn’t,” Donatello said.

His brother would never do that.

“Leo has told me he was high off peyote a lot in this dimension,” Michelangelo said. “And Splinter has tea that can make him erect-”

“This conversation is over,” Raphael snapped suddenly, even startling Donatello. “Get Leo home.”

Mikey huffed. “It’s over because I’m winning.”

“Yeah, and when it all goes south and you fuck Leo up more than he is now don’t come crawling to me!” Raphael yelled.

Suddenly both Raphael and Michelangelo were on their feet baring their teeth at each other. Donatello felt like he was losing control of the situation.

“Screw you Raph!” Michelangelo seethed between his clenched teeth. “The only thing that would mess Leo up more is if you had gone through the portal instead of me!”

“Shut the fuck up! This from the same brother who wouldn’t even come into the bathroom while Leo was in his coma!” Raphael roared, getting right in Michelangelo’s face.

Michelangelo looked physically stricken by this, stumbling back as if Raphael’s words had a physical weight pressing him away.

“Stop it, this gets us nowhere,” Donatello said, standing up and glaring down at his shorter brothers.

Michelangelo was breathing unevenly, his eyes darted around the ground before he looked up at them coldly.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Michelangelo said, before turning and walking away.

“Where are you going?” Raphael asked.

“I’m leaving,” Michelangelo said, still walking away.

“You can’t leave,” Raphael said, taking a few steps towards Michelangelo but looking back at Little Leonardo with confliction.

“Mikey, Leo is still in his shell we can’t move-” Donatello said, shrilly.

“Well I’m leaving,” Michelangelo called, getting further away.

“We’re not choosing you over Leo, Mikey!” Raphael yelled. “Grow up!”

“That’s why I’m leaving while he’s still in his shell, Raph. I don’t want you to follow me,” Michelangelo said before he disappeared over a hill. “Use your fucking brain, Meat Head.”

“Donnie-” Raphael said, taking several more steps in the direction Michelangelo went before looking back.

“We stay with Leo,” Donatello said, laying down next to their brother again.

Raphael walked in a circle anxiously. “Mikey is our only connection to what Leo is doing in that other dimension!”

“Yeah,” Donatello said, replaying that conversation in his head and getting a horrible sinking feeling. “We messed up.”

“We messed up?” Raphael asked. “He’s the one who abandoned us!”

“Is he?” Donatello asked. “Or did we bully him out of here?”

Raphael opened his mouth but he couldn’t speak.

They both knew the answer.

Hours passed and all that happened was it got a little colder and the sun was getting lower.

“He’s coming back,” Raphael asserted, his eyes locked with the spot Michelangelo had disappeared off in.

“I doubt it. And we’re wasting daylight. It’s going to be night soon,” Donatello said.

“Shit. Fuck. Me and my big fucking mouth,” Raphael hissed.

Donatello didn’t say anything. He was at fault just as much but he had to admit… pulling up Leonardo’s coma was a particularly low blow. Michelangelo felt horribly guilty about not being able to even visit Leonardo once while he was unconscious. He would break down into anxiety attacks and have nightmares about Leonardo and his coma. Of course once Leonardo was awake Michelangelo went from being nowhere near Leonardo to being his full time nurse right along with Donatello.

That was where Raphael had signed off. Watching over unconscious Leonardo was easier than caring for the weak and damaged brother post coma.

“Why can’t Leo just come home, dammit?” Raphael seethed, flipping between anger at himself and anger at Leonardo like a light switch in the hands of a bored child.

“I don’t know,” Donatello sighed.

He felt something against his side move, he looked down to see Little Leonardo’s shell moving a bit.

“He’s moving,” Raphael said.

“Be quiet,” Donatello warned.

They both moved a little bit further from Little Leonardo so he was still between them but would now have room to get out of his shell.

Little Leonardo eventually got all his limbs out and poked his head up. First he looked at Raphael, then Donatello before placing a hand on both their sides and craning his neck like he was searching for something.

His mouth went into an unsatisfied line.

“Where’s Hopper?” Little Leonardo asked.

“Oh,” Raphael breathed.

Little Leonardo got up on his feet and cupped his hands around his mouth. “HOPPER! HERE BOY!”

“Crap,” Donatello whispered.

They were so concerned with losing Michelangelo they failed to even think about how Little Leonardo would take it. Honestly Donatello was shocked they looked different enough from each other that Little Leonardo would even know which of his new wolf friends was gone.

“Guys, we have to find Hopper! He could be lost or scared we- we need to rescue him!” Little Leonardo said, wringing his hands together.

In that moment Little Leonardo was an echo of his current self. A small leader identifying a problem and rallying his troops.

Both Donatello and Raphael stood up.

“Come on Bitesme,” Little Leonardo said, going over to Raphael’s side and attempting to crawl on him.

“Lower yourself Raph, you’re a little too tall,” Donatello said softly.

“Yeah he’s pulling my damn fur-” Raphael whispered, lowering himself so Little Leonardo could hop on.

“Let’s go-” Little Leonardo stopped short. “Uh… Redbeard stiff him out,” he said, pointing at Donatello.

“I’ll just go the direction Mikey went,” Donatello said, heading for the hill.

“Donnie what are we gonna do when we come across a Bamboo Rat,” Raphael asked, following him.

“I’ll attack it,” Donatello said, knowing he would be able to find the rage to strike down a Bamboo Rat now. “You get Leo somewhere safe.”

“Okay,” Raphael said, not sounding too convinced of their plan.

It was clear that once Michelangelo had broken the sight line he had bolted. It made Donatello’s heart clench to know his brother had probably held back tears and kept his composure until he was out of sight but then needed to take off running. Donatello didn’t need to bring this up to Raphael to tell he was thinking the same thing.

Then to rub salt in their wound Little Leonardo yelled himself hoarse calling out for Michelangelo. Much like a child whose dog had run off, Little Leonardo was growing more and more anxious by the second. Sniffling and wiping his hands and arms over his nose and eyes.

“Did you really mean it when you said?” Donatello whispered to Raphael. “That if Leo comes home messed up, you won’t help Mikey?”

Raphael faltered. “I- I was just mad. I just say whatever I think will hurt the most. I don’t mean it.”

“I know,” Donatello sighed.

Perhaps one of Raphael’s most unfortunate flaws was his need to push people away, often hurting them in the process. It made Donatello wonder about his explosion before leaving him at The Mighty Mutanimal’s base with Casey. Something set him off. And it wasn’t until Michelangelo brought up the tea that he started getting really mean.

“Of course I’ll be there for Leo and Mikey. I’m just scared,” Raphael sighed.

“I know. Me too,” Donatello said.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Leo getting raped?” Raphael asked.

While the question was innocent, Donatello was still conflicted on his decision to tell Michelangelo that. In his defense he thought it would shut down Michelangelo’s plan immediately but it instead had the opposite effect.

“Leo told me not to tell you two. And I promised I wouldn’t,” Donatello said.

And now Michelangelo will certainly tell Leonardo.

“What made you break that promise Donnie?” Raphael asked.

Nothing should have made me, Donatello thought regretfully.

“I’m mad he’s going to see Hokolesqua. I just… if we were all home this would be easier,” he said.

“Yeah,” Raphael agreed.

They walked in silence for a bit. This forest seemed endless and worst of all there was no clear sight line through the dense trees.

“What if Leo… raped another kid?” Raphael asked after ten minutes or so.

“He wouldn’t,” Donatello hissed.

What are you and Michelangelo on? Why would you two think such a horrible thing?

“But… Mikey is right. Splinter has stuff that can give you a hard on… and he has peyote,” Raphael said regretfully.

“Then it would still be Leo being raped. Just because it’s Leo’s penis going into someone else doesn’t mean he’s the one in control. Men can be raped without penetration,” Donatello said, surprised how uneducated his brothers seemed on the idea of consent.

Maybe he should print some stuff out for them to read.

“Does Leo know that?” Raphael asked.

“I-” Donatello stopped in his tracks.

One single follow up question and his word was spinning.

He was instantly reminded of Leonardo’s insistence that being raped made him more likely to be a predator. How he felt gross and disgusted. How he couldn’t believe Donatello would even want to share a bed with him after finding out he was raped.

“Fuck. No. He wouldn’t. He would definitely blame himself in a situation where two adults make two kids have sex with each other. He thinks he is diseased for what Splinter did to him,” Donatello breathed.

“What do you mean?” Raphael asked.

“I slept in Leo’s bed on Wednesday night,” Donatello began retelling that night. “It was the same night you were recovering from the tea I went to sleep in Leo’s room again. He asked why I would sleep in the same bed as him on Monday night if I had just hours before overheard that he had been raped.”

“What?” Raphael asked, rightfully confused.

“He asked if I thought he was going to do something to me because victims become abusers. Leo’s self image is that he’s no better than Splinter,” Donatello explained.

Raphael scrunched his face up. “Why would he think that?” he asked. “Splinter was fucking molesting him. How is he anything like Splinter?”

“If he was forced with another child, he might perceive himself as somehow acting on his own accord…,” Donatello said.

Something even worse was dawning on him.

Little Leonardo raised his head from the back of Raphael’s neck. Having dozed off during their search. “What is it Redbeard? Why are we stopping?” he said sleepily.

“Raph, he’s finding Hokolesqua to apologize to him!” Donatello exclaimed.

Donatello sat up and peeled his blankets back. He felt stiff and his shoulders hurt. The pit benches were padded… but with two inches of memory phone. It was not a supportive mattress. The TV was off and The Lair was dimly lit. Raphael sat up from his cot looking sore too. They desperately needed to talk and figure out a plan on how to find Michelangelo.

“Hey you two, how’d you sleep?” April asked, coming in from the kitchen.

“Uh, okay,” Donatello said, fidgeting with the edges of his quilt.

Raphael nodded. “Good.”

“How are you feeling emotionally, Donnie?” April asked a little softer.

Donatello shrugged. “Good, better.”

“Good,” April said.

Then it was horribly awkward as they stayed there not knowing what to do. Even right now Donatello wasn’t sure what he was going to do. Did he go back to Splinter’s room and start reading the journal again? Tell April to stay out here just in case?

Seemed like a shitty thing to do. A shitty way to waste her Saturday. Then again, it wasn’t like Donatello was in the mood for a date weekend.

“I’m gonna go check on Chompy,” Raphael said in a tone that seemed relieved to have a pet that needed him. He stood up, nodded his head then headed for his room upstairs.

“I’ll start the coffee maker,” April said, sensing the awkwardness. “Do you guys want to make something for breakfast or just cold cereal?”

“Cold cereal is fine for me,” Donatello said, standing and stretching his neck side to side before feeling a satisfying series of pops. “I’m going to use the bathroom.”

As he headed upstairs, his bowels sloshy with what had to be nine hours of uninterrupted sleep, Raphael intercepted him in the hallway.

“Can I talk to you?” Raphael asked, holding a clean, freshly filled water bowl in his hand as he exited the bathroom.

Donatello grimaced. “Can I pee first?” he pleaded.

“Yeah yeah just meet me in my room,” Raphael said quickly rushing to his room.

After attending to the toilet needs Donatello realized when they do get Leonardo back they might need to have him wake up every few hours so they can use the restroom. Not that Leonardo ever slept so long that there would be accidents but if Donatello was in control of his own sleeping he would have woken in the middle of the night at least once.

Planning bathroom breaks aside he headed to Raphael’s room and entered without knocking.

His brother was over Chompy’s enclosure scratching his shell. Donatello was taken aback by his room. It was neater than he remembered and even though he saw Raphael put his bed into storage and replace it with a hammock it was still weird to see.

“You want to sit down maybe,” Raphael said, looking very nervous.

Donatello looked at the hammock. He had never been in a hammock or sat in one.

“Uh sure,” Donatello said.

Without coffee this was a very bad idea but hey cracking his skull open on the floor when this death trap flipped him out of it wasn’t the worst way to go.

There was always being sold to a government lab by a junkyard owner to top any death!

“How do you sleep in this?” Donatello asked, gripping the hammock for dear life.

“One thing at a time Donnie,” Raphael said, stealing his nerves and pacing around the room. He was more nervous than when Michelangelo announced he was officially with Leatherhead. “So uh, about Splinter… I gotta tell you something before Casey comes over and kicks me in the tail. And he'll do it so you know,” he said, shrugging his shoulders.

“I'm ready to hear whatever you have to say and call off Casey then,” Donatello said.

“Right. Right,” Raph said.

But he continued to pace.

Donatello cleared his throat. “April is going to wonder what's taking us so long-”

“I want to keep reading the journal,” Raphael blurted out.

“Are you sure?” Donatello asked.

Raphael nodded. “I need to know… Splinter's motivations for something he did to me.”

“What would that be?” Donatello asked, a sick feeling already building in his stomach.

Raphael swallowed and shrugged and rubbed his face and walked in a circle before stopping and looking up at the ceiling and looking like he wanted to run away. He made a hand movement of rolling his wrist then looked at the wall above Donatello’s head before speaking.

“He ever catch you…” Raphael trailed off and made a crude gesture to imply masturbation.

“No,” Donatello said quickly, a pang of fear at the thought made him wince.

Splinter catching him masturbating? Nightmare fuel.

“I was…” Donatello coughed. “Very careful with that activity.”

“Right. Right. Good,” Raphael said, looking like he had no idea what to do past getting the conversation here.

Donatello had a pretty good idea though.

And Raphael was the only one of them who hadn’t voiced any abuse by Splinter towards him.

“He walked in on you didn't he?” Donatello asked, quietly.

“Yeah,” Raphael said tightly.

“And it wasn't… the reaction it should have been was it?” Donatello ventured.

Raphael shrugged. “Well, uh, what's the right reaction?” he asked with a dark chuckle.

“In this case, for a good parent that understands that mostly everyone masturbates?” Donatello asked. “Recoiling quickly out the door and hoping to scrub the memory from their mind before choosing the most awkward time later to discuss their child’s changing body with them.”

Raphael nodded. “Yeah, uh that's not what Splinter did.”

“What did he do?” Donatello asked.

“Made me finish.”

The words made Donatello’s stomach clench painfully. He clamped his hand over his mouth.

“And it happened a few more times after that where he would come into my room. Stand between me and the door and even though he never told me to, he wouldn't leave until I did it in front of him,” Raphael said, looking down and so ashamed at himself.

Donatello staggered out of the hammock and lunged at Raphael to hug him. Raphael had to stumble back, his carapace hitting his door.

“It's nothing compared to what Leo went through,” Raphael said, steadying himself. “Nothing. I'm not even upset about it or nothing I just thought you should know-”

Donatello just hugged him as tight as he could, resting his chin on top of Raphael’s head. He didn’t pull away until Raphael started too, probably because he was struggling to hide his sniffling.

“That's not your fault Raph,” Donatello said, holding Raphael’s shoulders.

Raphael nodded, wiping the back of his hand over his eyes and messing up his mask.

“Thanks,” he said, taking a deep breath. “It's not your fault that Splinter had it out for you. None of the shit he said was true at all you know. Guy thinks that cheating on his girlfriend with a fourteen year old is okay,” Raphael said, shaking his head. “Why the fuck should we believe anything his sick mind makes up?”

Donatello was too stunned to say anything at first. But it did make him feel better.

“Thanks Raph,” he said, pulling his brother into another hug.

I really needed to hear that.

Chapter Text

When Leo woke up he felt weirdly panicked. Convinced Mikey was missing even though they were in the same bed. Before he could ask about the feeling or wonder too hard about it Mikey was jumping out of bed and obviously angry.

“I can’t believe those guys!” he yelled. “Dammit, why the hell is it so hard for them to just fucking trust me!”

Leo got out of bed, his heart racing. “What’s going on?” he asked.

“I just keep getting treated like a baby!” Mikey yelled. “They don’t listen to me. They just talk over me!”

“What happened?” Leo asked, trying to calm down Mikey.

His brother wasn’t having it though. He dipped away from Leo and started getting dressed.

“I need to cool off,” Mikey said, angrily putting on his pants. “I just need to cool off. I’ll explain when I get back.”

No, Leo didn’t like that at all. He had a bad feeling about Mikey leaving just an overwhelming sense that something was going to go all wrong. The door closed behind Mikey and Leo’s throat tightened.

“You’re being ridiculous, Mikey is fine,” he said to himself.

He still didn’t feel any better. He felt cold and alone and now he was certain Mikey had just left for good.

All sorts of thoughts whirled around Leo’s head. Donnie likely found something in Splinter’s room. The art he had drawn as a young stupid kid. Then he told Mikey and now Mikey was questioning being here. Questioning whether or not he can be in the same room as Leo.

This was why he should have left for Central America months ago. He didn’t want his last memories of his brothers to be their disgust. Their hatred of him. He couldn’t live with them hating him. Oh, but it was inevitable really. Who was he kidding? Did he really think they’d be on board to go to therapy with him and talk out all these problems? Maybe if he was truly a victim but he wasn’t. Deep down inside he knew what he was.

He wanted it from Splinter. He liked being special. He liked being loved. He liked being the teacher's pet. He liked the praise and the idea that he was better than everyone. He was just a selfish spoiled brat. There was a reason this didn’t happen to any of his brothers. They weren’t so full of it that they’d drink up anything Splinter said.

Leo felt wave after wave of nausea crash over him. He got on the floor feeling like he could no longer hold himself up.

He had to face the facts. He was alone now and Mikey was leaving. Now Mikey would go home and tell Raph and Donnie to throw his stuff out and change the security codes. Leo was as good as dead now.

His hands were tingly and numb.

Somewhere through the fog Leo realized he was going to have a panic attack and that he needed his medication now. He scrambled over to his backpack and retrieved his pill bottle.

Maybe you should take all of them and save everyone the trouble.

Leo gritted his teeth at the intrusive thought and put too much pressure down on the child proof cap. The pill bottle shot out of his hand and the pills scattered and bounces across the floorboards.

“Shit!” Leo cried, rushing to undo the damage but it was too late.

The spacing between the old planks was just wide enough for his tiny pills to fall between, which many did.

Leo saved what he could but that left him with only nine pills.

Two was a dose.

He had four and a half doses now!

“I’m so stupid!” Leo cursed, breathing in and out rapidly. “Stupid stupid stupid!” he said over and over again pounding his fists down as hard as he could on the top of his thighs.

A rapid series of sharp knocks strong enough to rattle the door hinges made Leo jump up.

“Who is it?” Leo asked, trying to calm his voice.

“Usagi, open up now or I will break the lock!” the rabbit said.

Shit, Leo thought.

He wasn’t even dressed and his swords weren’t on him. He jammed his pill bottle back in his backpack but Usagi entered shortly afterwards.

The rabbit had his sword out and first saw Leo then looked around the rest of the room. “Where is your brother?” he asked, taking several more steps towards Leo.

Leo scrambled back. Every sense was on fire as the rabbit attempted to corner him.

“Stay away from me!” Leo yelled, pulling a throwing knife from his wrist wrappings and arming himself.

Usagi’s ears twitched. “I know he is in here. I heard you punching him. Mikey it is safe to come out now your brother can’t hurt you.”

The room was silent.

Leo sucked air through his teeth, begging himself not to pass out.

“Where is he?” Usagi asked, leveling his glare back at Leo. “I heard you hitting something! I know what a beating sounds like from behind a wall. Where is he?!”

“I was punching myself!” Leo yelled, humiliated.

Usagi squinted. “Why?”

“Because he left!" Leo said sharply, pointing at the door with his shaky throwing knife. "And he's never coming back!"

He was sweating so hard. He wanted to retreat into his shell and never come out. He felt ready to throw up and pass out.

Usagi knelt down next to Leo. "Why would he leave you so suddenly?"

"Because I'm awful!" Leo cried, unable to fight the wave of sobs racking over him. "I'm- I'm so awful to all of them! I'm mean! I'm bossy! I'm stuck up! They all hate me so much-"

"Try to calm yourself Leo," Usagi said.

Leo flinched away from Usagi's hand. "Don't touch me," he warned, holding the throwing knife up.

He noticed Usagi sheathed his sword sometime before kneeling down next to Leo.

"My apologies," Usagi said, raising his hands in surrender. "I am guessing you have battle shock?"

Leo kept breathing hard. His eyes locked with Usagi's. "B-Battle shock?" Leo stammered.

"This Hokolesqua, he served with you?" Usagi asked. "Where were you drafted?"

Leo stared dumbly at Usagi. His chest hurt really bad now. To the point he was sure his heart was failing.

Usagi sighed, looking around the room before looking back at Leo. His expression was much softer, like when he had dressed Mikey's wounds.

"I will go find your brother," Usagi said. "I will be back if I don't find him quickly."

Leo nodded, but deep down he knew Mikey was gone forever and that he never wanted to see Leo again.

“Do not punch yourself anymore,” Usagi advised.

He didn’t leave until Leo nodded.

With Usagi gone Leo quickly spiraled. Every time someone walked past the door to his room it made him freeze. Any noise outside was enough to send his heart hammering. Everything was so overwhelming he slid under the bed and pulled himself into his shell.

It was cramped, and hard to breathe.

But it was the purest form of safety. The instinct to pull into his shell was powerful, and even though Splinter had trained him to overcome this instinct right now Leo was powerless against it. He felt small, vulnerable, and so afraid.

A lifetime passed before the door flew open.

“Leo! Leo, where are you!” Mikey called, stumbling around the room.

“I left him right here,” Usagi said, sounding confused.

“Leo?” Mikey asked, opening the closet door.

Then he got on his plastron and looked under the bed. Leo could sense him. He tucked his limbs in to his shell tighter not ready to believe his mind wasn't just playing tricks on him.

“Oh no, Leo!” Mikey said sadly, reaching under the bed and grabbing the top edge of Leo’s carapace and dragging him out.

Leo’s plastron slid against the floor and reverberated around his shell.

“Leo, come out of there. It’s okay-” Mikey pleaded, scratching his nails all over Leo’s carapace.

With the realization that Mikey was there and in grasping range, Leo erupted out of his shell and scrambled to wrap his arms around his brother. The brother he thought was gone for good.

“Please don’t leave!” Leo begged.

“I didn’t mean to,” Mikey said, holding Leo tightly. “I was going to get us breakfast and that chick I rescued was like- chatting me up before I could even order food. I brought something back for you-”

Leo shook his head vigorously. “You left! You left and I knew you’d never come back! You were mad!” he yelled.

He was so mad at Mikey, suddenly feeling so betrayed by his brother's decision to abandon him.

“Leo I wasn’t mad at you this morning, I-” Mikey tried to explain.

Usagi brought them a blanket, handing it to Mikey but keeping his distance.

“Thanks Usagi,” Mikey said, taking the blanket and wrapping Leo in it. “It’s okay Leo. I didn’t mean to be gone so long.”

Leo nodded. He knew he was out of control with his emotions but he couldn’t get a handle on them. Mikey would have had better luck making Leo think the earth was flat at this point. He just had this feeling deep down inside that Mikey was gone. That his brother was gone and he was never coming back. It didn’t matter how hard he held Mikey, the feeling just wouldn’t go away.

“Are you okay alone with him?” Usagi asked.

“Yeah,” Mikey said, cradling Leo’s head under his chin. “This has happened before.”

“He punched himself,” Usagi said. “I do not know where.”

You didn’t need to tell Mikey that.

Mikey breathed in deeply. “Okay, thank you Usagi.”

Usagi stood up and left, closing the door behind him softly.

“Deep breaths Leo,” Mikey whispered. He leaned up against the wall with Leo curled to his chest. “I’m right here.”

Leo nodded, but it was hard to believe.

“Where are your meds?” Mikey asked.

“I dropped them, they went between the floorboards-,” Leo said, heaving for air. “I couldn’t get the cap off- I only have nine pills now I’m so screwed- I’m so stupid I should have opened them over the bed-”

“Can you take a dose now?” Mikey asked.

“No! I only have nine!” Leo stressed. The pressure in his head building. “I have to save them for when I need them!”

Snot was running out of his nostrils. Fuck, he couldn’t remember the last time he sobbed so hard.

“I think you need them right now Leo,” Mikey said gently. “Please take a dose-”

Mikey started to nudge Leo off of him and pivot for the backpack nearby. Leo reached out and grabbed his wrist, not ready for Mikey to leave again.

“Don’t leave!” Leo panicked. "Please. Don't. Leave."

“I’m not, I’m not leaving the room. Here-,” Mikey used his toes to grab the backpack strap and drag it over to them. “Here. Can you swallow them dry?” he asked, opening the pill bottle with ease and tapping out two white ovals.

“I only have nine-,” Leo said, wiping the back of his hand over his nose.

Mikey shook his head. “You need to- Your nose is bleeding,” he said, looking around for something. “Here, just use your wrappings. Please take these. I’ll find a handkerchief or something, okay?”

Leo swallowed the pills, his anxiety spiking as he allowed Mikey to find a cloth in their bag to soak up his nosebleed.

“And I'll stay with you while it works okay?” Mikey said, handing Leo the folded over fabric before sitting next to him against the wall.

“Okay,” Leo said a little nasally.

Once the pills kicked in Leo was able to eat breakfast with Mikey. The toast was cold but it was food. Leo shadowed Mikey whenever he left their room but for the majority of the day they stayed inside. They also found a merchant that was selling paper and bathroom paper. It cost a lot since it was hand made but Leo and Mikey were both getting tired of hay, stones, and leaves. This toilet paper was still rough, but at least a major upgrade.

Hopefully now Leo’s rash would subside. It sadly seemed to be getting worse.

The other stiffer paper they purchased reminded Leo of the homemade watercolor paper he tried to make out of newspaper. This was Mikey’s idea for saving the pills in between the floorboards. So far it was working amazingly. Mikey folded the paper in half and was able to scoop the pills out of the cracks.

“I got another one!” Mikey rejoiced happily, lifting the paper up and tilting it into Leo’s cupped hands. “Told you this paper trick would work!”

“Thank you, Mikey,” Leo said, brushing the dirt and dust off the pill before returning it to the bottle.

There were seventeen pills in total now. If he just took two every night before bed he’d have at least a week before he ran out. He couldn’t have brought more without arousing Karai’s suspicions. He also didn’t think he’d be taking them daily. Though… Karai had talked to him about if he ever needed daily medication to help him function. Maybe he needed that more than he was ready to admit.

“You're welcome bro,” Mikey said.

Mikey was so happy to help Leo with anything it made his chest tight. Leo was the one that had caused so many problems today.

“I'm sorry I freaked out,” Leo said, it was not the first time he had tried to apologize today. It was just hard to know what to say. “I know it's silly to think you'd actually leave me here. I don't know what came over me.”

“I have a theory,” Mikey said, while scanning the floor board for more pills.

Leo followed. Ready to collect any Mikey could save. “You do?”

“Yeah. Last night, in the Dream Realm… I sorta left,” Mikey said. “Raph and Donnie were being jerks so I left.”

“Why were they being jerks?” Leo asked, feeling a surge of protectiveness.

“Because… I lied to them,” Mikey said, no longer really looking for pills but not meeting Leo’s eyes. “I told them I would convince you to come home.”

“But I thought you said they were okay with it-” Leo started.

“I lied to you too,” Mikey said regretfully.

Yeah, that made more sense. Who was he kidding to think Raph or Donnie would actually be okay with this. Of course Leo should have realized something didn’t make sense. He guessed part of him wanted to believe it so bad he didn’t question Mikey’s story hard enough.

On the other hand at least now he knew what he was facing when he returned home.

If he returned home.

“They aren’t okay with it and they want me to tell you what to do and…,” Mikey shrugged. “I’m not comfortable bossing you around in this world. I know Splinter did horrible things to you here, and I know you came here to get some control back. I told Raph and Donnie I’m not going to do it. They got mean… you were in your shell still so I knew they wouldn’t follow… and I left.”

Leo nodded and reached over to grip Mikey’s shoulder. “When we get back I’ll tell them there was nothing you could have done to stop me.”

“You don’t have to,” Mikey said. “I was the one that followed you through the portal-”

“You didn’t know what you were getting yourself into. I should have…” Leo trailed off.

Explained what this world really is to me. And I shouldn’t keep lying about Hokolesqua.

“I’ll head back to you, Raph, and Donnie tonight in the Dream Realm,” Mikey promised, looking Leo in the eye.

“You think that will help?” Leo asked.

“We know injuries travel between the Dream Realm and the real world,” Mikey said. “So why not emotional injuries? I guess you must have come out of your shell after I left and started freaking out.”

“Why was I in my shell?” Leo asked.

“The last time we were in the Dream Realm a Bamboo Rat charged us. You went into your shell. I attacked it. We saw a memory of when I woke up in the middle of the night and you were washing your sheets after… Canker peed on them,” Mikey said.

They both knew that wasn’t Canker.

“Oh. Uh, yeah, yesterday I woke up thinking about that night,” Leo said, feeling so embarrassed.

“So, maybe you don’t remember the Dream Realm, but you remember the things the Bamboo Rats show us?” Mikey asked.

“Seems like it…,” Leo said. “But that last time was the strongest. Other times I wouldn’t remember it but thinking back to the very first night we must have been in the Dream Realm I woke up feeling like I had an awful nightmare I couldn’t remember. And since then sometimes I wake up with different sensations.”

“What kind of sensations?” Mikey asked, concern edging around his voice.

“Fur, and not Splinter’s fur, it’s fur I’ve never felt before,” Leo said, hoping that didn’t sound stupid.

“That’s probably us you’re feeling. You’re kinda clingy,” Mikey chuckled before sitting back and holding his chin. “It’s weird, the Bamboo Rats, they don’t hurt us. They just show us things we’ve already seen.”

“Yeah, it is weird. I don’t know what the Dream Beavers' motivations are,” Leo said. “I don’t feel zapped of energy. I don’t think they’re eating my life force. And then… Why let us heal each other?”

That was the biggest deviation. They weren’t able to heal each other in the Dream Realm before. Everything else could be explained by the Dream Beavers being weaker now that they were free and needing more time to take their life force. But not the magic spit.

“I don’t know. The Dream Realm doesn’t even seem that scary now that we’re together. None of us have even been hurt since we reunited,” Mikey said.

“And you leaving made me wake up… convinced you were gone,” Leo said.

“My leaving hurt you,” Mikey concluded. “I’m sorry Leo.”

“It’s okay. I don’t want to force you back to Raph and Donnie but-”

“I’ll go back. I’ll go back and I’ll just sing if they bully me again,” Mikey said, crashing into Leo for a hug.

Leo hugged back without hesitation. Hugging Mikey felt good, it didn’t make him flinch anymore. He sort of even looked forward to hugs from Mikey now.

“Okay,” Leo said, throat tight.

Mikey pulled away. “How many pills do you have now?”

“Seventeen,” Leo said. “I think it’ll be enough. Thank you for getting them for me.”

“You’re welcome, Leo,” Mikey said, pausing abruptly.

Leo cocked his head. “Anything else you want to tell me?”

“Donnie found that art you were talking about,” Mikey said.

“Oh,” Leo breathed, feeling his heart launch into his throat. “I know it’s weird-”

“I don’t know what it’s of,” Mikey said quickly. “Donnie didn’t say he said he’ll put it in a folder and label it ‘Vent Art’ and put it in your room.”

Leo nodded, his heart throbbing hard but if that’s all Donnie said about it.. Maybe Donnie didn’t care. But that didn’t make sense because it was obviously really wrong of him to draw in the first place. None of this made sense.

“Okay, good. Good,” Leo said, rubbing his hand over his face. “Was that all they found?”

“I don’t know, I left before I could get into many details,” Mikey said.

Leo nodded. “Right.”

Then it was awkward. Leo got up and gestured to the bed. “It’s getting late, we should get ready for bed.”

“Yeah,” Mikey said, but he hesitated before standing up. “Are you mad at me that I couldn’t… be in the room when you were in a coma?”

Leo blinked down at his brother dumbly. The question took a few heartbeats to process.

“What? Of course not, Mikey,” Leo said, getting back on the floor to calm Mikey. “Why would you ask?”

“No reason,” Mikey tried to backtrack.

But Leo knew his brother was upset and he had a suspicion that one of his brothers had been backed into a corner and swung a particularly low blow.

“Something Raph said?” Leo guessed.

“Yeah,” Mikey said.

Leo put his arm around Mikey. “You were there for me when I woke up… and at the time that really helped. Especially when I was too weak to move. It was silly, but having someone in the room with me…” Leo swallowed. “It made it harder to get trapped in my own head.”

Which was the closest he would ever get to telling Mikey how many awful flashbacks his persistent company saved Leo from. As long as Mikey was there the version of Splinter that haunted his head couldn’t attack. Because Splinter would never do that to him in front of his brothers.

Mikey hugged him tight. “Man Leo, I wish we had known sooner,” he said.

“I think… I do too now,” Leo admitted. “Knowing what I know I wish I could tell my past self to just ask one of you if what I was doing with Splinter was okay-”

“Not doing with you, bro. What Splinter was doing to you,” Mikey said firmly. “Not your fault. That’s not a situation where you had any say.”

Leo didn’t have words for that. He felt close to crying again all the sudden as Mikey squeezed him tighter and tighter.

If only he could have spoken up sooner.

Chapter Text

“Do we set a limit or just go until we can’t anymore?” Raph asked, drumming his fingers on the edge of his laptop.

This time they didn’t have the journal in front of them and they weren’t in Splinter’s room. It was too creepy in there. Instead they decided to do this in Donnie’s lab with the door closed. April and Casey were in the pit playing a video game.

Donnie had retrieved Metalhead from Karai’s place and had the robot scan the journal page by page. That way both Donnie and Raph could read it at the same time. Donnie was stationed at his desktop computer, and Raph sat on the other side of the desk in a beanbag chair with his laptop balanced on his lap.

“I had Metalhead analyze Splinter’s handwriting and convert the journal into text. So there is an original scanned copy and then a copy with consistent text. There were a few cases where Metalhead flagged a word he could not read that I had to manually enter but I had him present me just the word not the whole journal entry. I then had Metalhead filter out any journal entries that mention Leo only or where when names are present, Leo’s name is fifty percent of all names in the entry. These are most likely to be entries about just Leo,” Donnie prattled on.

Raph blinked. “That sounds tedious.”

“It’s mostly automated,” Donnie said, waving his hand dismissively. “But with Leo’s entries censored we can safely read the journal without invading too much of his privacy. I am sure some stuff will sneak through but it’s better than nothing.”

“What about Mikey, he doesn’t really have a say in this,” Raph pointed out.

Donnie nodded. “Which is why I propose we only read journal entries about ourselves. If you click on the index you will find a list of all the journal entries since Splinter was kind enough to date them. We can’t even click on the blue ones because those are Leo’s. But the purple ones are about me. The red ones are about you. The orange ones are about Mikey. The gray ones mention none of us. And the green ones mention two or more of us equally.”

Well that sounded fair. “So, you think we should stay out of Mikey’s and Leo’s ones, but everything else is cool?” Raph asked.

“Yes,” Donnie said. “It’s just a matter of choosing where we start.”

Raph nodded. He knew he told Donnie this morning that he wanted to read the journal to find out more about Splinter molesting him but… now that the cards were on the table he was too scared to start clicking those red entries. The ones dated to around the time he started masturbating seemed to pop out at him.

He was scared to click them.

“I am personally going to go through the gray ones,” Donnie said. “I am going to try to gather as much information as I can about other people Splinter has victimized. Maybe Karai can help us reach out to them and get it on record that Hamato Yoshi did this.”

“Right,” Raph said. “Fuck him.”

Still he felt weird about clicking on those red ones.

So instead he clicked on a green one.

I have given them names. Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo. I just opened my book to a spread where all four artists were, set it down, and they each crawled onto one. It seemed like destiny that those should be their names. I am not sure there is a way to make them regular turtles now, and I am not sure there is a way for me to ever be human.

Raph sat back. That one was tame. He didn’t feel so bad about these. He continued to read the green coded entries in order from oldest to youngest. A bit captivated by the outside perspective of their childhood. Splinter wrote about close calls with humans on the surface and his struggles finding food.

Yet, warning signs cropped up.

I have started training the turtles. I noticed Raphael picking fights with Michelangelo and Leonardo coming to pull Raphael away. The chaos is always ignored by Donatello who is more interested in dismantling whatever I manage to bring home to brighten our dreary lives. While Leonardo and Raphael at least mimic me when I go through my katas, Michelangelo is easily distracted and Donatello will watch motionlessly. Perhaps they are too young to train, but I do need to instill who is in charge. Donatello and Michelangelo will step in line with Raphael and Leonardo, I will make sure of it.

“Are we supposed to do anything when we read them?” Raph asked.

Mostly just to hear Donnie’s voice. This shit was weird to read. Already it seemed like Splinter was analyzing their behavior for some reason. 

“You can make a comment on it,” Donnie said. “I am making notes of names and places but he is really vague. I am guessing it’s a habit he carries from his other journals. Never write down too much evidence. Which is smart if you know what you’re doing is wrong. Are you doing okay?”

“Yeah,” Raph said quickly, clicking on another entry. “Just peachy.”

I have found a source of entertainment. It’s a little cruel but it is like having drama play out in front of me. I will take something from one of them and watch as they accuse the nearest turtle of theft. Today I took Michelangelo’s teddy bear. I figure he would burn some of that baby fat off searching for it. He accused Raphael of stealing it which started a fight. While Donatello was captivated by the scuffle I put the bear behind him and as I had hoped Leonardo who had been looking for the bear found it. Raphael and Michelangelo attacked Donatello. I praised Leonardo for his attentiveness. I scolded Michelangelo for blaming Raphael without thinking. I praised Raphael for handling Michelangelo well and of course sent Donatello for a time out for stealing the bear. Raphael and Leonardo enjoyed a ginger snap each as a reward, which soured Michelangelo against them. Their little interactions really bring me joy.

“The fuck…,” Raph muttered.

How was he even supposed to handle that? That just sounded evil. And then calling it evil somehow didn’t fit because real evil was trying to kill Donnie and molesting Leo and making Mikey eat his own cat. Yet, this was messed up right? Or was it relatively tame in the grand scheme of things?

“You got something?” Donnie asked.

Raph looked at his brother with guilt. He almost wanted to hide the journal entry away, he felt bad for attacking Donnie that day. He had slugged Donnie hard in the chest.

“You might want to read uh…” Raph read the date out. “It’s green. It might give you some closure.”

Donnie nodded and navigated to the entry. His eyes scanned back and forth but his face remained neutral.

“Splinter did a lot of gas lighting early on. Seeing how much he could get away with,” Donnie mused. “This isn’t the first time Splinter has targeted one of us then wielded the other’s like a weapon. Peer pressure is a horrible thing and if all three of your siblings are convinced you took the bear, and so is your father… then you must have taken the bear.”

"Jesus," Raph muttered. "I'm sorry for-"

"Let's not, let's assume it's implied that if we were ever manipulated into hurting each other that we're sorry. It's all Splinter's fault," Donnie said. "He knew what he was doing. And he was laying down the groundwork to isolate us from each other.”

“Yeah,” Raph said. “But… I don’t know, me, you, and Mikey we’ve always been okay. More okay than we’ve been with Leo.”

“Once he isolated Leo he didn’t need to worry about the three of us being close is my guess,” Donnie said. “And because it appeared Leo had the better end of the deal, we never let Leo join us.”

And it was true. Raph hated Leo. Up until a week ago he hated Leo. Even after Splinter had died they still punished Leo.

“How’d you get close to Leo after Splinter died?” Raph asked.

Donnie looked a little sheepish. “Uh, he would tell me nice things after I invented something. After he took over as Sensei he took it upon himself to check in on me fairly regularly like Splinter had. I was very reluctant to tell Leo what I was doing unless I could be sure it was useful to us. But Leo walked in when I was in the middle of a self indulgent project of making a remote controlled coffee maker and he… thought it was cool. So I started telling him about more of my ideas and my plans to patent and sell them and Leo was really encouraging then before I knew it I was digging out Metalhead and working on him again. And Leo was supportive of it.”

“You guys… kind of started over then?” Raph asked.

Donnie shrugged. “We still had our past, we still butt heads, but I guess I realized Leo wasn’t Splinter Junior. He wasn’t going to be mean to me. And then, since Splinter was dead and no longer able to give Leo medical care… I had to take that over. So we mutually benefited from trying to help each other. And then with planning comes a technical aspect which meant Leo and I often ended up doing most of the technical parts of planning.”

Raph nodded. “Guess that’s why me and Mikey stayed close. We always felt like we had more in common than you two. We’re not dumb but… my brain ain’t built that way.”

“I know you two aren’t stupid. We all succeed in our own ways,” Donnie said. “It was just Splinter wanted us to all be Leo, and only Leo was Leo. And that’s not Leo’s fault, it’s just unfortunate.”

But Raph didn’t think Leo was destined for it. Hell, he and Leo were opposites and Splinter still molested him. He wasn’t sure molested was the right word. Violated? Exposed? Molested felt much worse than just jacking off with an audience. Yet for all of Raph's disobedience and the ways he varied from Leo, Splinter still did it. When it came down to it Raph was still forced to touch himself by Splinter and he never breathed a word to anyone.

Not even when it continued.

And maybe that was why he was scared to read more entries. He didn’t want to know when Splinter decided it would be Leo and not Raph. He didn’t want to know how close he came to being the Destined Student.

“I think I’m gonna stop for tonight,” Raph said, feeling like he had to explain himself. “Gonna talk to Casey.”

“Do you want to read a cute one?” Donnie asked.

“A cute one?” Raph said, raising an eye ridge.

“Well, cut in the context of everything else, here give me your laptop," Donnie said, reaching across his desk.

Raph handed it over because he was skeptical. When Donnie passed it back he looked at the date. Leo and him would have been six. Right around the age Leo started having more time with Splinter.

"Trust me," Donnie said knowingly.

Raphael and Leonardo have formed a duo. They proudly call themselves Big Brother Best Friends Forever and have a very convoluted handshake which they seem to believe gives them powers. I fear they both watch too many cartoons and I regret letting Donatello repair that broken television I brought home. I was going to sell it but the television is a babysitter when I want to be left alone. I am not sure what should be done about the situation. For now their mission seems to be taking care of Michelangelo and Donatello. Solving their problems and soothing their concerns and small injuries. I have no doubt they are best friends. Where one is the other is nearby.

"Oh," Raph said. 

That made him feel a mixture of things. Sad but also nostalgic for it.

"You remember the handshake?" Donnie asked.

Raph wiped something wet out of his eyes. It wasn't tears. It must have been something else. Allergies.

"Yeah," he said.

"Can I know?" Donnie asked.

"Shell no," Raph said, closing the laptop.

Donnie rolled his eyes.

"I'm gonna go chill with April and Casey," Raph said, getting up. "Don't stay in here too late, Leo's gonna be asleep soon."

"I'll keep my eye on the time," Donnie said, barely paying attention to Raph.

Yeah, you're gonna wake up on the floor tomorrow.

In the pit April and Casey were playing Slime Rancher. Raph sat down behind them and watched them suck up slimes with their vacuum guns.

If Mikey was here he'd be more inclined to join or put some effort into playing too. Right now he felt emotionally drained. He felt like asking Casey to go somewhere with him. Drink some beer. Fuck around all night and wake up tomorrow with a headache.

That was dangerous right now though. So he couldn't. He could only sit and sulk.

Welp, he fell asleep on the couch.

Donnie was looking right at him. His ears went back. "Leo went to bed early," he deadpanned.

"Bitesme why are we stopping?" Little Leo asked. "HOPPER! HOPPER!"

Raph cringed against the noise. A few birds flew out of the trees above. Little Leo had big lungs.

"It's so dark," Donnie said. "We need to find cover-"

"HOPPER! HERE BOY! HOPPER!" Leo cried over and over. "Come on Bitesme. We have to go Hopper is in trouble."

Leo dug his heels into Raph's side. Like he was a fucking pony.

Raph sighed. "Just, lead us in the direction Mikey went and when we find shelter we take it."

Donnie nodded.

"So you're asleep on the floor in your lab aren't ya?" Raph asked.

"Shut up," Donnie sighed. "Metalhead will inform April and Casey and they'll make sure I'm not balanced somewhere or injured. Where are you?'

"In the pit relaxing," Raph lied.

Really he was in the pit kind of torn between feelings.

Little Leo continued to yell for Mikey. He was obviously heartbroken over Mikey leaving. Balling his hands into Raph's shoulder fur as they walked. His voice went hoarse fast.

It was very dark by the time Donnie spotted a hollow pocket under some tree roots. A very tight fit but in a way the little area seemed made for them. The floor was carpeted by soft moss.

Little Leo sniffled and wiped his hands over his eyes. "We'll find him tomorrow. Don't worry guys. I promise we'll find him tomorrow."

"He's really upset," Donnie mused. "I hope that doesn't have an effect on actual Leo."

That hadn't even occurred to Raph. He looked down at the toddler leaned against his side. Little Leo wasn't sleeping but his eyes were closed.

"What are we going to say to Mikey?" Raph asked.

They hadn’t really talked about it. They were both dreading it. Raph most of all because he sucked at apologies and he knew it was his comment that forced Mikey to leave.

He didn’t know why he even brought up Leo’s coma. That was so stupid.

And Mikey didn’t even throw it back in Raph’s face that he could barely be around after Leo woke up.

Donnie shrugged. “We’ll have to see how mad he is.”

The night sucked. In the middle of the woods every cracking branch and animal noise set Raph on edge. Donnie was no better, but he was in the back of the den. Raph was the one at the entrance which meant if a Bamboo Rat appeared it’d be his memories on the line. It hadn’t happened to him yet. He was nervous it would be something bad or embarrassing.

For the first time it occurred to him that Leo had the shit end of all of this. No matter who the Bamboo Rats attacked, it was guaranteed that the memory involved Leo in some humiliating circumstance.

Luckily he didn’t remember them seeing it right?

Thank fuck Raph didn’t need to rest his wolf body. He stayed wide awake the whole night. His thoughts swirling around and around until the sky turned a dim blue.

“Raph?” a familiar voice asked.

“Mikey?” Raph whispered, poking his head out from the roots of their impromptu shelter.

Some leaves crunched as Mikey moved towards Raph’s voice.

“Mikey-” Raph got out of the den and started towards him.

“Before you say anything Raph, I’m just here for Leo,” Mikey said, his usual friendly face pinched.

He obviously didn’t want to be here.

“Hopper?” Little Leo mumbled. “HOPPER!”

The toddler exploded out of the rooty shelter and leapt at Mikey. He hugged Mikey around the neck and heaved a great big sob.

“I knew you’d come back!” Little Leo said. “I just knew it!”

“Sorry buddy,” Mikey said, hooking his front paw around Leo. “Didn’t mean to make you freak out so bad.”

“Something happened to Leo on your side didn’t it?” Donnie asked.

Mikey didn’t say anything for a long while, he just pulled Little Leo closer and licked the top of his head.

“Dammit Mikey, you can’t just ignore us,” Raph said.

“Hopper! Don’t ever do that again okay?” Little Leo admonished, pulling back from Mikey to pout. “Listen up guys,” he said, climbing on top of the roots they had been taking cover on and putting his hands on his hips.

He was above them now. Very literally on a soap box. Donnie moved so he was standing with Raph to hear what Leo had to say.

“We have to stick together, okay?” Little Leo said firmly. “Because we’re all we got and I need to get home and you will probably like it there, if dad lets you stay. But we won’t get there if we keep running off.”

Little Leo stared pointedly at Mikey.

“Now uh, we need a plan. But if the sun is rising from that direction then that must be east. And I live in New York City with my brothers and my dad and that’s on the east coast. So we head towards the rising sun.”

“Assuming this world is the same as ours,” Donnie said under his breath.

“Uh, we actually shouldn’t head east,” Mikey said, looking concerned. “There’s a big tall chain link fence with barbed wire on top. It goes on a long ways in the south and north direction too.”

Raph’s fur stuck up. “Why would that be here?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t stick around to investigate. The whole place put me on edge,” Mikey said.

Little Leo jumped off the roots and headed towards Raph. “Come on Bitesme,” he said. “We’re wasting daylight. Keep close Hopper, no wandering. You too, Redbeard.”

Mikey ran up and stood up a little on his hind legs to lick Little Leo’s face. Raph could feel the toddler scrambling to push Mikey away.

“Okay okay!” Little Leo complained. “Oh gross, Hopper!”

“Heh,” Mikey giggled. “Sorry dude, gotta make sure you know I’m here.”

“Okay, to the east, Bitesme!” Little Leo said. “Come on Redbeard-”

“Raph,” Donnie said, dangerously low.

As Raph turned around he followed Donnie’s gaze up the tree to where the trunk splits into a Y-shape. His heart was in his throat the second he saw the huge Bamboo Rat looming over them.

“Run!” Donnie screamed at him.

Raph kicked off the ground hard in the east direction. Leo held on to his fur tight but the ride was bouncy. Raph weaved past trees knowing he couldn’t shoulder check a single one without Leo falling off. The second the trees thinned enough that he had the chance to look behind himself he did.

The Bamboo Rat was feet away. Raph could hear Donnie and Mikey chasing the rat, but those red beady eyes wanted him and only him.

Trees flew by as Raph put his all into putting distance between himself and the rat. His lungs burned and his feet hurt but he kept pushing off the ground with as much force as he could, he could feel Leo pulling clumps of his fur out just trying to hold on.

Raph barely missed a tree and behind him he heard the Bamboo Rat claw past it.

Right behind him.

So close to him that his vision was getting dark around the edges. He didn’t see the dip in terrain until he was tumbling down a hill. Leo cried out, Raph rolled violently into a tree and his body bounced off it and continued down the hill. Loose pine needles prevented any traction; he flipped head over tail and everything was black.

.

.

.

“Yamete!” Sensei yelled, slamming his staff down.

Raph lowered his wooden practice katanas and looked down at his opponent- himself? His six year old self? No, as the person in control of this body turned and bowed, Raph saw a young Donnie and young Mikey sitting off to the side.

This was Leo.

He was in Leo’s head. He was in the head of his six year old brother. Just like when he had seen a memory from Mikey or Donnie.

“Leonardo, you have shown exceptional promise,” Splinter said.

Deceit filled Raph’s head. He wanted to kick Splinter. He wanted to make Leo go feral and bite his nose clean off. But the emotions swirling around Leo’s mind were pride and happiness.

Leo raised out of the bow. “Thank you, Sensei.”

“It’s not fair!” Young Raph bellowed. “He tricked me! He used a move I didn’t know!”

“Your enemies will know many things you do not know,” Splinter said. “Leonardo took the initiative to learn a new move while you busied yourself with a video game.”

“Yeah, because he’s a Teacher’s Pet!” Young Raph yelled, pointing right at Leo’s face.

Raph cringed at his past self. He was acting like a brat all over a lost fight. The emotions in Leo made that cringe worse. The sudden sadness that filled Leo seemed to overwhelm him to the point that even Raph felt like he would drown in them.

“Raphael, you will calm yourself. Leonardo won fairly and it is in this moment of failure where you can choose to bow and be seated with Donatello and Michelangelo, or act like a child,” Splinter warned, standing behind Leo and resting his hands on Leo’s shoulders.

The relief Leo felt as Splinter placed his hands on his shoulder. Raph was grateful for it because holy fuck did he feel like his heart was getting put through a meat grinder. But he was mad because it was Splinter using Young Raph as a weapon.

See how your brothers hate you but I love you? Splinter’s hands seemed to convey.

Raph watched through Leo’s eyes as his younger self stormed out of the dojo. Leo stepped forward but Splinter tightened his grip.

“He is being dramatic Leonardo,” Splinter said. “Do not concern yourself with him.”

Leo nodded. “Hai Sensei.”

.

.

.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Raph blinked and started to move slowly.

A tiny groan not far away made him move faster.

“Leo?” Raph called.

“Over here Raph!” Mikey called, a little further up the hill.

“He’s okay, just maybe shaken up,” Donnie said as Raph approached.

Little Leo seemed okay. His knee was skinned up but he was holding it so they couldn’t lick it. Mikey kept nosing into his hand but Leo kept shaking his head.

“Dude, did anyone else feel like they were getting their chest slowly crushed?” Mikey asked.

“Yeah,” Raph said. “Was that a panic attack?”

He had one panic attack in his whole life. When Baxter Stockboy put that brain worm in him and spent an hour just putting it to his ear slit then taking it away just before it would crawl in.

Raph shivered.

“I don’t know, that was a very physical reaction to an emotion,” Donnie said. “Did you feel that way when you saw my memory of being hit with a book?”

“I knew you were scared, and I felt scared for you… but I wasn’t like, in physical pain ever,” Mikey said. “And uh, if we’re going to be feeling physical stuff when we see stuff from Leo’s mind… does that mean…?”

None of them could finish that sentence. A sick feeling swished around in Raph’s guts.

“Well did you guys feel me getting hit by Splinter?” Donnie asked.

“No,” Raph said.

“Well I didn’t feel sore in that memory with Leo,” Donnie said. "And that fight would have left Leo with a couple sore spots."

“Yeah but I felt Splinter’s hands on his shoulders,” Raph snapped. “Fuck Donnie we can’t be feeling what Leo has felt from Splinter that’s- that’s like us getting-...”

Fuck he couldn’t say it. But wasn’t that like them getting raped too? Raph didn’t think he could handle that. He just couldn’t. Real genuine fear was coursing through him now.

“You felt the texture of his hands?” Donnie asked. “Or did you feel Leo note their presence on his shoulders?” he asked.

Raph and Mikey thought hard for a second.

“I think it was the second one,” Raph admitted.

“Yeah, but even if it is the second one does that mean we're gonna feel Leo feeling the presence of Splinter’s hand somewhere else later on?” Mikey asked.

Donnie went silent.

The idea seemed to loom over all of them.

“I don’t know,” Donnie said quietly. “I just don’t know.”

Raph opened his eyes to a dark home. The presence of Donnie on the couch next to him said that someone had laid them on the bench so they were head to head. Donnie’s pillow was just on the other side of Raph’s.

Standing in the middle of the pit was Metalhead.

Staring at them.

“Ah!” Raph jumped back. “What the hell?”

“He was monitoring us, Raph,” Donnie sighed, peeling his blankets off and getting up. “I instructed him to alert Casey and April to when we fell asleep so they could make sure we weren’t in a position where we could suffocate or get hurt. They must have moved me out here and took our rooms to sleep in.”

“I wish I hadn’t!” Casey yelled, coming down the staircase. Both his hands were behind his back rubbing his spine. “I think your hammock just fucked my hockey career.”

Raph rolled his eyes. Hammocks were superior to beds.

Well, at least for sleeping.

Raph rubbed his hand over his face, noting his nails felt jagged. At least he was sleeping well. His body felt rested. “I’m gonna go check on Chompy, and text Leatherhead."

And clip my nails.

“Yeah, I should call Karai,” Donnie said. “You know, after coffee.”

“Definitely,” Raph said, making his exit.

As he walked up the stairs he slowed. He looked behind him to make sure no one was following him then walked past his room and Donnie’s room to a small storage room.

There was nothing special about this storage room. It was smaller than their bedrooms and now was mostly toiletries and other bulk supplies they needed on deep shelves.

But for Raph, this was also his escape room. A place he could go when he was mad that was quiet, dark, and away from everyone else.

.

.

.

“Raph?” Leo asked through the door. “Are you in there?”

Raph huffed. He did not want to see Leo right now. He went right up to the door. “Leave me alone, Teacher’s Pet!” he shouted.

He was still steaming. He kicked a bin full of batteries and wires, hissing when his toes throbbed angrily at him.

“But Raph, you said you’d help me make an obstacle course today,” Leo said.

Well that was before you one upped me in training today, Raph thought sourly.

“Raph, if winning means so much to you I can teach you the move and we can have a rematch,” Leo said.

“You’ll still have more practice!” Raph complained.

Leo laughed. “You’ve always been better at ninjutsu than me. I only won because of dumb luck.”

“Then why is Master Splinter always showing you new things!” Raph shot back. “You could have asked if I wanted to learn too! I woulda stopped playing video games!”

He would have too. Raph was always willing to learn in the Dojo. Master Splinter just didn’t see it.

“He wouldn’t let me go get you,” Leo said after a beat of silence. “He said it was just for me.”

“Why?” Raph demanded.

Why was Leo so special?

“I don’t know Raph,” Leo said, exasperated. “I don’t know what I did, and now you’re mad at me and- and-”

“And what?” Raph snapped.

“Are we still Big Brother Best Friends Forever?” Leo asked quietly.

Raph made his lips into a tight line. Were they? Or was this it? No, it couldn’t be it. Even if Raph was mad.

“Raph?” Leo asked.

Raph opened the door. Leo was shuffling his hands together looking real scared. Raph sighed. “Of course we are,” he said.

“Really?” Leo asked, perking up.

“Yeah, but you better show me any secret moves before we fight next time, got it?” Raph warned, prodding Leo in the chest.

Leo grabbed his finger. “I will, I promise.”

Raph twisted his finger out of Leo’s grasp and swung his arm around his big brother’s neck. “Let’s go make that obstacle course, where do we start?”

Chapter Text

“Okay and then maybe from this milk crate,” Leo said, standing on top of it. “You have to jump on the skateboard and roll all the way across the floor until the cushion?”

Raph held his chin in thought. “Mikey is going to nail this in the first try,” he said.

They had mostly completed the obstacle course. It started at the bottom of the staircase and looped around the outside of the pit before going across the pit on a balance beam and then ending at the door to the big garage room. Cinder blocks, bricks, cardboard sheets and chalk platforms determined where one could step.

The issue was it was way too easy. And if they could all do the obstacle course on the very first try then it was a bad obstacle course. Right?

“What if you can only touch the skateboard with your hands?” Leo suggested.

“Okay, you time me and I’ll try it now,” Raph said, going over to the starting position.

Leo watched the wrist watch in his hand waiting for the moment it ticked to a new minute before shouting, “Go!”

Raph hopped from milk crate to milk crate and landed on the skateboard in a handstand. He somersaulted onto the cushion and then-

Master Splinter cleared his throat behind Leo.

“Oh hey Master Splinter,” Leo said, turning to face his dad. “Me and Raph were just making an obstacle course-”

“Raphael and I,” Master Splinter said with force.

Leo looked up at his dad confused. “What?” he asked in a quiet voice.

“The proper way to speak about what you and someone else are doing is to have them come first. Do not say ‘Me and Raph,’ it makes you sound like a child who does not pay attention to what I teach,” Master Splinter spoke bluntly.

Immediately Leo felt he was being scolded. He did pay attention to his lessons.

Raph ran up to him eagerly. “What was my time?” he asked.

“Oh, sorry Raph, I was talking to Master Splinter-”

“Raphael, go play with Michelangelo. Leonardo needs to come with me,” Master Splinter said, gripping Leo’s arm.

But I want to play the obstacle course, Leo wanted to say.

“Oh, okay,” Raph said. “Uhm, maybe after you get done I can time you?”

“Sure,” Leo said, tossing the watch to Raph as Master Splinter pulled him away.

He knew winning the little competition in the Dojo today was a good thing, but this didn’t feel like a reward. He had the sense that Master Splinter was mad at him for even being around Raph.

“You cannot enable Raphael’s tantrums, Leonardo,” his father warned. “It undermines the lessons I am trying to teach, do you understand?”

“But, he’s right, it’s not fair that I knew a move he didn’t know-” Leo tried to argue.

“It was important Raphael face a loss and learn how to handle it with decorum. Instead he stormed out of the Dojo proving again that I have made the right choice,” Master Splinter said, softening his expression when his eyes landed back on Leo. “I want you to come here and sit with me. You are not in trouble.”

“I’m not?” Leo asked, edging forward to sit on his knees in front of his father.

Master Splinter shook his head. “You are ahead of your brothers in many ways, Leonardo. I do not want them to hold you back. I want you… to become the best version of yourself.”

.

.

.

“Leo? Are you paying attention to me?”

He blinked and looked at Mikey. “Sorry,” he said, shaking out of his distracted state.

Mikey was sitting on a stool while Olch the tailor was pinning the sleeves of Leo’s new shirt. It was cotton and would go under a simple kimono for an extra layer as they traveled to a colder climate.

But that wasn't the distracting part. What was distracting to a maddening degree was his horribly itchy crotch. He knew better than to scratch it, but even Vaseline wasn't soothing it.

"I was saying how Ana the other day was talking to me. I tried to tell her I was seventeen so there's no way we can get married. But then she said she was fifteen Leo!" Mikey exclaimed. “And she asked me if I already have a wife!”

“Ana is a fine young lady, you’d be fortunate to have her,” Olch said. “Her father is the banker here and wealthy families like that don’t just go around giving their daughter’s hand in marriage.”

Mikey laughed nervously. “Well the thing is, I already have a-”

Leo quickly cleared his throat and made Mikey look at him. He gave Mikey a very purposeful look that thankfully his brother picked up on.

“- girlfriend ,” Mikey quickly diverted. “And, we haven’t even talked about marriage I guess but if I was going to marry anyone I guess it would be her .”

“Then she must be a lucky lady,” Olch said, helping Leo out of the now properly pinned shirt.

“ She is,” Leo said, stepping down from the platform. “And she’s very lucky to have my brother.”

“Then why not tell Ana of your lady back home?” Olch asked. “It’s cruel to string her along.”

Mikey rubbed the back of his head guiltily. “I guess, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.”

“Better to do it now,” Olch advised sagely.

They left the shop with most of their clothes. Kimonos and obis. Armor and shoes. Again Leo tried not to think too hard about how this was a small dent in the money he had on him, which was a small dent of the money he took from Master Splinter’s room.

“Maybe you can draw me a picture of Leatherhead?” Mikey asked on their way back to their room.

Leo cocked his head. “Why?”

“So I can show Ana my girlfriend?” Mikey asked. “But maybe draw him… as a girl?”

“You want me to genderbend Leatherhead?” Leo asked, growing amused at the idea.

It was definitely an interesting concept. Leatherhead in a kimono with some scarves around his head. Thin out the shoulders and make him more proportional to the crocodilian people of this world.

“You know what genderbending is?” Mikey asked, in shock. “Leo!”

“What?” Leo asked, blushing. Though he shouldn’t have shown his hand. He should have played dumb.

“Leo, how do you know what genderbending is?” Mikey asked, walking to get in front of Leo.

“It’s uh… an art exercise,” Leo lied. “To take celebrities and draw them as the opposite sex. Helps you work on form and character design and anatomy-”

“Lies, Leonardo, lies!” Mikey claimed. “Which Space Heroes character did you genderbend, tell me.”

Leo blushed. “I did not-”

“It was Captain Ryan, wasn’t it?” Mikey asked.

Okay, well he wasn’t going to answer that. He walked with more purpose to their room with Mikey cackling behind him.

Leo needed a doctor. He knew some antibiotics would fix his infection immediately. Just something to quickly nip the problem in the butt.

Literally in the butt, Leo joked darkly to himself.

There was a doctor in the town, but he definitely didn’t have antibiotics. Medicine here was herbs and pseudoscience. Leo was sure hand washing between patients wasn’t even a concern.

He also knew he would not handle a genital exam well at all. Thankfully when Karai had him tested for STDs months and months ago it only involved a blood test, and a swabbing from down there . But he had been the one to do it. In a private room. Gross yes, but miles better than someone else doing it. The idea of anything more invasive made him close to being physically sick.

So the only solution was going back to his world, getting antibiotics, and then coming back. Which if Donnie and Raph were actually very much against him being here like Mikey admitted, then that meant going back was a one way trip.

There was also the complication of Leo having no idea where they would pop out in their home dimension and how they would get back to Usagi.

This was his only shot at finding Hokolesqua, and to waste it on just some itchiness was ridiculous.

“Leo?” Mikey asked, knocking on the door. “You okay in there?”

Leo grimaced. He had been in the outhouse building for about ten minutes. When everything burns coming out and it feels like you're wiping with hot coals you do tend to procrastinate.

“I think something I ate made me a little sick,” Leo lied. “Trying to conserve toilet paper but uh-”

“Say no more dude,” Mikey said, sounding like he was going to continue to wait outside.

The outhouse wasn’t like a single stall room. It was like a public bathroom sized room with a long bench with holes cut into it. Then wooden walls were put in so each hole was in its own compartment. Then a very gross and old cloth curtain was spread over the entrance to the compartment. So not only was Leo trying to poop with the sensation of needles in his cloaca he was also experiencing the abject horror of someone walking in on him while he poops.

And now that Mikey had talked his bowels were acutely aware of an audience just outside the door. Leo could not go to the bathroom in these conditions. Karai once walked in on him going to the bathroom and he literally didn’t poop for three days. None of it made sense. Where did the poop even go for three days? It plagues him to this day.

His brothers were annoyed by his bathroom hogging quirk because they could use the bathroom in front of each other.

Well, not like they were watching each other but Raph has definitely slipped in the bathroom while Donnie was using the toilet and Donnie didn’t even care.

How?

The whole reason Leo was putting himself through the hell of using this public bathroom was because he knew infection had a peculiar smell. A smell he didn’t want Mikey smelling. A smell that could only be covered up if it was among the smell of one hundred other awful smells. So he couldn’t do this in their room in their private chamber pot.

And since Mikey had talked nothing else was coming out.

Why me? Why now?

He finished his business and wiped. Everything burned and itched and this toilet paper was still far from the toilet paper of his world that would be much softer. He looked at the paper in the dim light of the stuffy outhouse building and tried to see exactly what colors were coming out of him. A yellow green mucus? It was hard to tell. Seeing it made him feel worse.

It just dredged up all these horrible thoughts and feelings. Stuff he had to bury. Stuff he felt disgusting for. Memories that made him cringe so hard he wanted to collapse in on himself.

If he was twelve right now he would have no issue going to Splinter to get it fixed. And honestly it was because it was the times when he did get infections that Splinter cared for him without any strings attached.

Because he couldn’t do anything else, Leo reminded himself bitterly. Because erections hurt when you have an infection.

And he knows that because of course the first time it happened Splinter had ignored it.

He left the outhouse vibrating and a bit disorientated. That memory crawled out of the bench hole and grabbed him by the throat. It was the kind of memory that would make him go to bed for the day.

“You ready?” Mikey asked, standing up from where he had been leaned up against the side of the outhouse.

Leo hummed in his throat and fought the cry of panic that wanted to come out instead. He had to keep his cool. He couldn’t cry after exiting the outhouse. He couldn’t run to his room, he didn’t have a room to run to. He didn’t have Karai’s place. He didn’t have Shini’s horrible live action commentary on TV shows. He didn’t have sleep because sleep made a Dream Realm that stressed his brothers out.

But he had humming. And he didn’t know why he had to hum to keep himself from falling apart but he couldn’t stop.

It was humiliating to watch Mikey’s face as he slowly realized Leo wasn’t just confirming that he was ready to go. That the humming was instead dragging out for a long time, so long that Mikey’s eyes were darting to Leo’s mouth then the rest of him in a little concern.

And then Leo sucked in air only to start humming again and somewhere in the back of his head he knew Mikey thought he must be nuts.

But he couldn’t bear the thought of stopping. This was the only thing he could do to keep himself from screaming.

Leo turned and walked, and kept humming. And he flicked his index fingers across his thumbs as he walked like he could remove that painful memory from the focus of his mind and flick it away. Like if he just hummed and flicked and got to their training spot he would be okay.

And by some miracle Mikey didn’t ask him a single thing.

They warmed up. Leo used his Daitō, the longer of his two katanas while Mikey used the slightly shorter one the Shōtō. They would switch soon and train in the reverse so it wouldn’t matter which sword Mikey had on him.

After about three hours or training they were both sweaty and ready for dinner. Leo wanted to rinse off in the river before heading back but they were interrupted before he could suggest it.

“My apologies for intruding,” Usagi said, stepping into the clearing. “I was curious to see how formidable you two are with your swords seeing as the areas between towns and cities tend to have plenty of beings looking for easy targets.”

Leo nodded, trying not to show how shaken he felt by the rabbit suddenly showing up. “My brother and I have been training since we were five years old.”

“Well, Leo has,” Mikey cut in quickly.

Leo internally winced. Right, they needed to explain why Mikey wasn’t as good with the katana. And sadly Mikey would have to swallow his pride. Nunchucks were an extremely hard weapon to master and he would be within his rights to brag about it.

“Would you be willing to demonstrate?” Usagi asked, putting his arms back in the sleeves of his kimono.

Well, Leo was covered in sweat and itchy as hell but he also didn’t want to be rude to Usagi. Especially after all the help he was yesterday finding Mikey.

Which just like the humming and flicking; Mikey was being nice enough to not bring it up.

“Sure,” Leo said.

That familiar feeling of interacting with his brothers after a meltdown filled his chest. It just felt like Usagi was thinking about it. How Leo had sobbed, punched himself, and convinced himself that Mikey had left forever.

Usagi unsheathed his sword and they got into position. Thankfully the short fight was more like Usagi was testing Leo to see how he’d react to certain attacks. This put Leo mostly on the defensive which was okay.

In the back of his head he knew he could probably turn the tables and put Usagi on the defensive but to show off like that only emphasized how less skilled Mikey was. It also showed all of Leo’s hand. It was better that Usagi thought he was just okay at defending himself with a katana, and not comfortable attacking with it.

Usagi and Leo bowed at the end of their fight. The rabbit sheathed his sword, took his arms out of the sleeve of his kimono and tucked them into his shirt.

“You are talented,” Usagi said. “Where were you trained?”

“Home schooled,” Leo said. “My father taught me how to fight.”

“Ah,” Usagi said. “He must have been a great warrior. Not many can be teachers.”

Leo stiffened, and Mikey tensed where he was sitting in the grass nearby.

Luckily Usagi moved on quickly.

“I heard your clothes are done?” Usagi asked.

“Some undergarments needed adjusting,” Leo said.

“Yes, you two aren’t exactly what other terrapins look like,” Usagi said, carefully.

Yeah, well Leo wasn’t going to answer the question Usagi was fishing for.

“I wouldn’t know,” Leo said.

“We were adopted,” Mikey said. “Our dad was a rat.”

“Was?” Usagi asked. “As in…?”

Leo nodded. “He died a year ago.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Usagi said after a brief pause.

“Thank you,” Leo said, nodding his head. “It is the reason I am trying to find my childhood friend Hokolesqua. His father and my father were friends and I am hoping to share the news in person and get some answers about my father’s life.”

If Usagi thought Leo was lying he didn’t show it. He looked between Mikey and Leo as if trying to decide if he was going to take them to the Black Sea.

“I would first like to apologize,” Usagi said, looking at Leo. “I have judged you harshly and made assumptions about you that I no longer think are true. I will help you find your friend Hokolesqua. We will need to leave early tomorrow to make use of all available daylight. As you know the days are only getting shorter with winter on the horizon.”

“Thank you, Usagi,” Leo said. “And I accept your apology.”

The conversation couldn’t have been more stiff at this point. Leo couldn’t have been more uncomfortable. He felt like he had nettles on his tail and he was unusually tired after a normal training session with Mikey. Now he was playing a mind game with someone who was literally his only shot at finding Hokolesqua.

The stress was mounting.

Without a goodbye Usagi turned and left, leaving Leo and Mikey to wait silently until he was out of earshot. Then a little longer just to be extra sure.

“You did good fighting him,” Mikey said, trying his best to lighten the mood.

“We were going easy on each other,” Leo said. “And the two of us need to assume that Usagi knows everything we have told anyone in this town. He knows our story isn’t water tight which is why he asked about why we looked different from other terrapins of this world.”

“Yeah, about that, different how?” Mikey asked.

Leo gestured to their feet and hands. “We’re a lot bigger in these area. And yesterday… he saw me in my shell. That’s not something terrapins in this world can do.”

“You’ve seen a turtle from this world?” Mikey asked, getting excited. “Dude, what did they look like?”

“No, but Hokolesqua had, and told me when I went in my shell once that other terrapins can’t,” Leo said. “And there is one other difference.”

That he wasn’t sure Usagi saw but Leo had that meltdown yesterday in the nude.

“Yeah?” Mikey asked. “Don’t leave me hanging.”

“I’m not sure on this one but… uh other reptile based people here…” Leo waved his hand a little, not sure how to phrase it. “Don’t have cloacas?”

Mikey stared. “Then where does their… you know. Come out?”

“I think out of their plastron?” Leo said. “I’ve-”

He stopped himself short.

I’ve had a few adults touch the seam of my plastron before Splinter would step in to show them where my penis was actually tucked away.

“You don’t have to explain,” Mikey said. “But man, I couldn’t even imagine. Do they have balls? Remember that time we were fighting the Purple Dragons and Fong ripped his fashionably factory distressed blue jeans-”

“-I wouldn’t call them fashionable -”

“-And we all saw his balls? Do you think they’d be like that?” Mikey asked, horrified. “What if you sat on them?”

Leo didn’t even know how to respond. “I am sure if the turtles of this world have… balls, that no they would not look like Fong’s balls.”

And there it was. A brand new sentence that would haunt Leo every time he sees Fong or The Purple Dragons.

“You’re avoiding the question,” Mikey pouted, picking up their stuff.

Leo helped, laughing even though he really shouldn’t be. “I was going to placate you up until you called distressed jeans fashionable.”

“Uh huh,” Mikey said, disbelieving. “I’ll let you off the hook this time.”

“This time?” Leo asked as they started their way back. “I am hoping to never talk about turtle balls again.”

“As a wise man once said; Never say never,” Mikey said, stoically.

Leo groaned. “Now you’re quoting a Justin Bieber song?”

“It could be worse, I could be singing them,” Mikey teased.

“If you do that I’m finding an archway today and going home,” Leo joked back.

Mikey laughed. Leo laughed. They teased each other all the way back into town before quieting down.

And for just a little bit Leo forgot he was supposed to be miserable.

Leo’s plans for a bath were killed by a sudden thunderstorm. They had eaten in the tavern and rushed back to the Inn where the owner caught their attention. Olch had left their fixed under garments at the front desk for them. So now they were ready to leave tomorrow.

Suddenly it felt so real.

Drawing by candlelight wasn’t easy. The flickering warm light was hard on Leo’s eyes but he desperately wanted the distraction of drawing.

Using several pieces of burnt wood, Leo tried to lightly block out a feminine shaped alligator person. He tried to imagine how a kimono would drape over her and he desperately wished for a pencil and an eraser.

It gave Leo a new appreciation for that charcoal drawing Hokolesqua had done of himself. Putting thick black lines down with easy. No plan or base sketch. The drawing was immaculate except for the smudges of time.

Of course he shouldn’t judge himself too harshly. A burnt piece of wood was hardly the same as an artist grade charcoal pencil. At present a lot of Leo’s issues could be solved with a blending stump, some dry paint brushes, and a stick of white charcoal to breathe some life into the piece.

“What if there’s a tornado?” Mikey asked from the window.

Leo opened his mouth to immediately dismiss the idea, but then actually stopped to think on it. “We would hear the wind picking up and we could hide under the bed in our shells.”

“Oh,” Mikey said, captivated by the storm outside.

The only reason Leo wasn’t also captivated was because he had seen a few thunderstorms. He had been in this world often enough that the novelty of trees being pummeled by rain and flash flooding was gone.

Instead Leo was thinking with dread how tomorrow would be humid. And how humidity sticks to scales and feels itchy. And how he was already so itchy he was close to ripping this paper in half.

Instead he carefully tilted the paper upright and tapped the extra charcoal off onto the desk.

“Okay, I think I’m done,” Leo said.

Mikey perked up and came over.

Leo was always a little anxious (a lot anxious) to show other people his art, so he watched Mikey’s face for signs of how he did.

His brother didn’t look overjoyed though. He frowned and tilted his head.

“If I had more time I could make it better-” Leo tried to say.

Mikey shook his head. “No, I’m just… you know back when Master Splinter was giving me shit for liking Leatherhead… I used to think that if Leatherhead was a girl then my life would be perfect. But seeing Leatherhead as a girl… I guess I just kinda thought I’m gay because I’m with a dude. But now I think I’m gay because I specifically like dudes. You know?”

Leo nodded, but boy was that a tricky conversation. His orientation was a mess and definitely impacted by what Splinter had done to him. He had been raped and raped other kids. Both boys and girls. Did that make him bisexual?

His stomach cramped ominously.

“Uh, I have to use the bathroom again,” Leo said awkwardly.

“Right,” Mikey said, taking the drawing of Leatherhead with him, “I’ll go sit in the hall.”

“Sorry,” Leo said, as Mikey left.

Sorry I’m so fucked up.

Chapter Text

The thunder burped through the hall and swallowed Mikey up.

He was mentally hitting himself so hard right now.

Of course he shouldn’t have brought up sexuality to Leo. Like, that was probably a huge no-no since Leo was super squicked out by anything sex.

He had just been riding the high of having a pretty great afternoon with his big brother. Maybe one of the best afternoons he had ever had. He was seeing a lot of sides to Leo. The side of Leo that genderbends fricken cartoon characters and talks about the time Fong accidentally flashed them his nuts. The side of Leo that drew this super confusing picture of female Leatherhead for him.

Which, maybe this was like Mikey’s lesson on being careful what he asked for. Because really he only had himself to blame for this.

Therapist: Female Leatherhead isn’t real and can’t hurt you.

Female Leatherhead:

Uhg. So cursed. What a cursed but fun side of Leo.

Some sides were… less pleasant than others of course.

That humming and flicking thing was some sort of anxiety response to something. He had never seen Leo do that but it didn’t feel like there could be a good reason for it. Shell, Mikey didn’t even know what to say he was just hoping Leo wouldn’t break down crying again.

Now he was inside getting sick again.

And Mikey knew Leo was sick. And maybe it was food because the food here was super different. Mikey was craving just about every junk food imaginable right now and he had huge plans for a massive big binge when he got back to their dimension. He was going to go undercover and hit up a corner store. Just having that binge planned helped ease his cravings for it.

Leo poked his head out of their room. “I’m done now,” he said, looking pale.

Mikey nodded, standing up and entering the room after him. “Are you going to lay down?” he asked.

Leo really should lay down. He didn’t look good and he was holding his lower stomach.

“I don’t want to fall asleep and take Raph and Donnie by surprise,” Leo said.

“You could lay down and I could keep you awake with my constant talking,” Mikey suggested.

Since talking was something he excelled at.

It was obvious Leo was feeling a little embarrassed. He had been acting a little distant since yesterday with the whole panic attack. Like he probably thought he had maxed out his hug credit at the Mikey Bank. But little did he know Mikey would waive any overdraft fee for him.

Not to self; ask Donnie how banking works.

“I guess,” Leo said. “Let me make sure I get our candle alarm set up right.”

“How does that work?” Mikey asked.

“You take this nail and you put it in the candle, and once the candle burns down to the nail it falls out and clatters in this dish,” Leo explained.

“How do you know where to put it?” Mikey asked.

“Just something you pick up,” Leo said, running his fingers down the long vanilla colored candle before approximating where to push the nail in.

They lit the flame and got ready for bed. Mikey was a little concerned about the fire risk of a lit candle but it was probably okay… he hoped.

And then they got in bed and Mikey had to figure out something to breach the weird distance between him and Leo. Just like in that song “Brothers On A Hotel Bed'' by Death Cab For Cutie which would definitely be playing right now if this was a cinematic movie about self discovery and childhood trauma.

But it wasn’t. It was just fucked up. And Mikey wasn’t sure what to do in that silence.

“Have you ever wanted a pet?” Mikey asked suddenly.

Leo didn’t answer for a long moment. “We already have pets,” he said, a quiet cop out.

Because yes, Chompy and Klunk were quote-unquote “family pets” but Chompy’s tank was in Raph’s room and Klunk slept on Mikey’s face every night. Leo knew what Mikey was asking.

He reached over and smacked Leo on the shoulder lightly. “Leo,” he complained. “C’mon, what’s your dream pet?”

Leo shrugged. “I don’t know. I always thought it was weird Raph had a turtle. So not a turtle.”

“Yeah,” Mikey said. “I can see that.”

“I like hermit crabs,” he said, with a small embarrassed smile. “And I think my room is quiet enough for one. But they aren’t bred in captivity and they are often taken from the wild so… just doesn’t feel right to have one.”

Welp, that makes hermit crabs depressing.

“Uh, is there any captive bred pet you would like?” Mikey asked.

“Maybe a snake?” Leo said. “But Karai would definitely bully me for it.”

Leo proceeded to pretty depressingly list off all the pets he could have and then reasons why it wouldn’t work out. No insects because that would make Raph scared. No cat because they already had a cat. No dog because there was no way to take it outside for walks. No reptiles because they knew too many reptile based mutants. Fish need a lot more water to swim than most people realize. A bird living underground would be cruel.

“I guess I could have a pet rock,” Leo settled on.

“Yeah because a pet rock will love you,” Mikey said slowly.

“I’m not a pet person Mikey,” Leo lied. “I mean, Donnie doesn’t have a pet.”

“I think Metalhead kind of counts?” Mikey said, unsure.

And the colony of cockroaches.

Though Metalhead was weirdly independent so maybe the robot was more like Donnie’s son? Uhg, Mikey didn’t want to think too hard about that.

“But dude, you know Maine Coons are sociable cats. Klunk would totally dig another cat to hang out with,” Mikey said.

“Then why don’t we get you another cat?” Leo asked.

“Because I’m her turtle owner, and she’s my cat. If I got another cat she’d be jealous,” Mikey reasoned.

Leo shook his head. “Wouldn’t work, I’m always going to Karai’s. I wouldn’t be able to give a cat the attention it needs.”

“See that’s the thing Leo, when we’re gone our cats can play with each other,” Mikey said excitedly.

He didn’t really intend to start this conversation to get Leo a pet, but he could see the way Leo was smiling. They could do it. Get another cat to help Klunk and Leo.

But probably mostly to help Leo.

Shell, Mikey wanted to get on his phone right now and look into what breeds would fit Leo the best. Some cats are real spitfires and would chew on his art supplies. So Leo would probably want a docile kitty that would chill with him while he meditates.

“How are Raph and Donnie treating you?” Leo asked.

“Oh,” Mikey said, twiddling his thumbs. “They haven’t said anything really.”

And Raph has already snapped at me since I got back, no apology at all before he went right back to being a jerk.

“But I get it,” Mikey said, before Leo could get mad. “Because shortly after I got there… there was a Bamboo Rat, and we saw that memory, and Little You scraped your little knee and wouldn’t let us look at it.”

Leo nodded, but he didn’t look convinced. “I know I wasn’t very nice when you came through the portal after me,” he said.

And he was right about that. He had been super mean and super accusatory.

“But… I can’t do this alone,” Leo said.

“Do you think we should go try to grab Raph and Donnie?” Mikey asked, not entirely opposed to the idea.

“We can’t,” Leo said, rubbing his eyes like he had a headache. “Master Splinter knew how to read the charts and put us where we needed to be. I didn’t. I just needed to leave while I had the chance. Because I knew you three would never let me do this alone-”

“We would have come with you,” Mikey cut in. “We really would have.”

“I didn’t want you too though,” Leo said. “Because I don’t know what I’ve hidden from myself. I don’t know what memories I have locked away and never looked back on and then I hear about this Dream Realm that from time to time might show a memory I don’t even remember having. I hadn’t thought about Hokolesqua in years until I was paging through my old sketchbook and I saw his self portrait. And it flooded back to me that- that first day Splinter took me here. To meet Moacir and Hokolesqua. Drawing with him. A world where I could play outside in the sunlight. There was this other kid who was my age who didn’t know anything about me and wanted to know things about me! And I wanted to know things about him! His life was fascinating to me.”

Mikey listened quietly, but he understood what Leo was describing. He probably felt it the most when they befriended April and he had three million questions about school and her life. She had questions for him too. It was nice to have no history with someone. A fresh canvas, a fresh relationship.

“Then the real reason Splinter brought me there became apparent. And I don’t know how to feel about Hokolesqua. But I worry about him, and I don’t know why Splinter would… change the arrangement that we had. I was never more sure about being this Destined Student than I was when I was with Hokolesqua, because he was one too. So to me it seemed that Master Splinter wasn’t lying. And then suddenly we stopped seeing Hokolesqua. And we started going to other places with different kids and-”

Leo stopped suddenly, like he had said too much.

This wasn’t the first time Mikey had listened to a story about someone he loved going through hell. He had had long nights with Leatherhead sharing what happened to him as a child. What the Kraang had done to him. His escape attempts. The punishments when he failed.

“Did you ever talk to those kids?” Mikey asked.

He already kind of realized the answer. When Leo didn’t say anything else Mikey dropped it, choosing to reach over and take Leo’s hand.

“Or we can just go to bed,” he said.

“Yeah,” Leo agreed, his mind obviously somewhere else.

But he kept a hold of Mikey's hand.

The breeze was the first thing Mikey felt. Then the earth under his paws and the change in his body before he opened his eyes.

“Come on, let me lick your knee,” Raph pleaded, nosing into Little Leo’s hands still clasped protectively around the wound.

“Just wait until he gets up,” Donnie said. “He’ll let go eventually. How was Leo, Mikey?”

Yeah, ask about Leo and not me.

Mikey tried to hide the hurt of still no apology. “It’s a skinned knee, he barely noticed.”

“Right,” Donnie said. “When Little Leo makes it such a big deal it’s hard to remember that actual Leo probably wouldn’t even notice that kind of injury.”

“How is Leo now?” Raph asked, finally deciding to heed Donnie’s advice and leave the toddler alone. “Did the memory freak him out?”

“Oh, he was fine once we woke up,” Mikey said. “Me being back fixed everything.”

Raph and Donnie waited like he was going to say more.

“Uh, so what are you two up to?” Donnie asked, awkwardly.

“Stuff.”

“Stuff?” Donnie asked.

Mikey nodded. “Yep.”

“Do you want to tell us what that stuff was or…?” Donnie asked.

“Do I want to? No.” Mikey answered, holding his head high. “Because I’m literally only back here to make sure Little Leo doesn’t freak out and make the real Big Leo I’m with freak out even harder. So that’s what I’m here to do.”

Donnie cringed, and Raph didn’t look too happy with himself.

Good.

Donnie stepped closer, obviously he was going to be the one to talk for both of them but Mikey wanted his piece said first and raised a paw for him to not even bother.

“Just don’t,” Mikey said. “You aren’t changing my mind, so just don’t.”

For a second it looked like Donnie wouldn’t say anything, but he squeezed his eyes closed and tightened his resolve. “Mikey I’m-”

“It’s not that bad, it doesn’t even hurt,” Little Leo said, before carefully lifting his hand away from his skinned knee.

Which in Mikey’s experience never worked out. “Oh dude, don’t look at it,” he whispered in a sympathetic tone at the toddler.

Little Leo’s adorably chubby round face scrunched up with a breathy whimper before he clamped his hands back down on the wound.

“It’s just a little scrape,” Raph said, on his belly next to Little Leo's leg.

“Eh, he’s small and alone,” Donnie said.

“Yeah, normally you’d be here to put a bandage on it for him,” Mikey commented.

Donnie's ears tilted. “I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

“It always made me feel better,” Mikey said.

Just, having someone there to say it was going to be okay helped.

“Oh…” Donnie said.

Something around them creaked. Not like a branch being stepped on type creak, or the creak of a Bamboo Rat looming in the branches above. Just the kind of creak the wind scratches up.

“Maybe we should get moving?” Mikey suggested. “I don’t want another Bamboo Rat to get us.”

He didn’t need to voice the fear of feeling a memory from Leo where… yeah.

“That reminds me,” Donnie said. “Last night was a clear example of why we need to intercept these Bamboo Rats. Whenever we do we aren’t physically harmed. Last night Leo got hurt because we ran.”

“Oh, that makes sense,” Mikey agreed. “Just like Leo said he imagined the Panda Wolves to take down the Bamboo Rats.”

“Like a prophecy,” Raph muttered.

Mikey sat down and scratched his ear with his hind leg. “So as long as we get to the Bamboo Rats before they get to Leo…,” he said, voice vibrating with the pattern of his scratching. “We shouldn’t feel any of Leo’s memories?”

“That’s the hope,” Donnie said. “It will also help save as much of Leo’s dignity as we can.”

“Yeah…,” Mikey stopped scratching. “Good thinking. Just means we have to be okay with our privacy being invaded.”

To be honest, Mikey wasn’t so sure he was.

Donnie nodded. “So far all the memories we have been shown involve Leo. I don’t think we’ll see anything too private on our end. But just in case, and because we aren’t able to talk when we’re awake…,” he faced Mikey more directly. “While reading Splinter’s journal he wrote entries confirming that he had attempted to kill me.”

It took a second to process those words. “What?”

“He had taken me far away, then left me. He has made comments about my worth to me that looking back were likely attempts to bait me into running away,” Donnie explained.

“Or killing yourself,” Raph added.