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16th century, Scottland
Aziraphale was sitting on a tartan blanket and inspecting the biscuits he had brought with him in case they got peckish.
Mmmm, yes, very good.
What a wonderful day! Yes, it was very hot, but they wisely made a stop at this large lake to rest a little bit. He had pulled out the blanket and the refreshments from his knapsack while Crowley had gone to cool himself off to the lake claiming that he was getting a heatstroke - the serpent could be quite dramatic sometimes, really! (Also, he was a demon , the hot weather should not affect him!) Dramatic, dramatic snake.
The angel smiled fondly at remembering his companion’s theatrics. Then he watched the demon swim in the lake in his snake form for a bit before pulling out a book - this Boccaccio guy was quite good!
He immersed himself in the stories until a certain demon collapsed (again, quite dramatically) next to him on the blanket where he mumbled something about being tired and closed his eyes.
Oh, he completely missed Crowley coming out of the water and transforming himself from the snake.
He looked at the spot where the shapeshifting took place - it seemed that the transformation left quite an interesting squiggle in the sand and… oh.
OH!
Well, that would be perfect! Heaven was recently talking about implementing a sigil for each angel so they could sign their memos and reports with a unique identifier (who knows where they got that idea from) and Aziraphale still hasn't submitted his decision.
He wanted at first to choose a simple ‘A’ but Amenadiel said that ‘A’ was his - without discussion or anything, just like that. That ba… bad angel! Then Aziraphale thought that perhaps ‘Z’ would do, but as he thought about it he wanted a perfect version of it and none of the versions he had seen wasn’t quite the thing. But this… this lovely squiggle in the sand that looked like a fancy Z was absolutely perfect!
Aziraphale inconspicuously copied the symbol to a piece of paper while the demon next to him had his eyes closed, bathing in the sun.
Yes, perfect, smiled Aziraphale and hid the paper in his breast pocket.
And why, yes, a nap was quite a good idea.
The angel ate a couple of biscuits and lay down as well, closing his eyes.
What a pleasant swim, thought Crowley. He explored the whole lake and even waved at a couple of humans with his tail. (Actually, after the first human fled, he swam around the whole lake waving at everyone he saw to make them flee - perhaps he should return every couple of decades and repeat the feat so generations of locals would remember him?)
He and the angel were in the process of implementing The Arrangement. They already put it in action a couple of times, letting the other one do both the Hellish and Heavenly work, but in more complicated cases they still went together to show the other the ropes - as in this case.
Crowley yawned. After this trip he will have to choose a unique sigil for Hell since it started to become a lot more bureaucratic lately (who knows where they got the sigil idea from?!). He was thinking about something serpent like but it should also resemble a symbol or a letter somewhat.
Well, he did have sort of an idea - a few decades ago he got drunk and thought up a new letter: ‘J’. At first, he only put it in Roman numerals, but at the start of the century he showed it to this Trissino fellow and did a couple of miracles so that it would start spreading into the alphabets as a standard letter. His ‘J’ was brilliant and very snake-like - as if he was hanging from the tree, tempting someone. Perhaps he could also add this new magnificent letter to his human name? J. Anthony? Anthony J.?
But yes, he should turn the ‘J’ into something more complicated and use it as his sigil. That would be great, and… oh, what was this?
Oh yes, that was where he transformed from his serpent form. But the picture that the transformation left on the sand looked… it actually looked like a really fancy ‘J’! It was perfect for his sigil! Yesss! Crowley scores again!
He snapped his fingers and a piece of paper with the symbol on it appeared in his hand.
He was glad he had solved this problem so smoothly and another snap of his fingers made the symbol in the sand disappear - now his symbol was truly unique and one of a kind.
2018, Post-Apocalypse, Gabriel’s office
The Archangel Gabriel was sitting at his opulent desk and frowning at the paperwork. And he usually loved paperwork!
He loved going through all those memos and helping his fellow angels by noticing their mistakes and shortcomings and pointing them out to the angels. Yes, paperwork was a great thing!
But this - he made a face - this was not a typical paperwork.
And it was all Aziraphale’s fault! And Beelzebub’s.
Gabriel wanted to keep the execution of the traitor secret so it wouldn’t cause any rebellious thoughts or ripples in Heaven. And, yes, it was not very successful - but still, nobody in Heaven would have to find out about what happened if not for Hell.
Because Hell just had to make their execution a public affair! Which meant that dozens if not hundreds of demons saw the demon traitor being immune to Holy Water!
And somehow that information got to some angels which led to Questions which led to circumstances of Aziraphale’s not-execution known which led to more Question which led to him being saddled with official paperwork about the whole thing.
He glared at the paperwork.
At least he had the warm assurance that his counterpart in Hell, Beelzebub, was exactly in the same situation. That annoying little demon deserved all the troubles in the world.
He glared at the paperwork some more. There were piles of files and memos from both Aziraphale and Crowley in front of him (Hell sent their copies to Heaven and vice versa).
If only-
Oh, a telephone call.
Oh no.
Beelzebub.
“What?”
“We have a problem.”
“A bigger one than a called off Apocalypse, a demon immune to Holy Water and an angel immune to Hellfire?”
“Yes.”
“What-”
“Open a couple of memos from Aziraphale and a couple from Crowley.”
Gabriel grumbled about being ordered around but did as the demon said. “What am I looking for?”
“The sigils.”
Gabriel looked at the sigils.
“IMPOSSIBLE!”
“You know what that means right?”
Gabriel gave it a thought. “Are they…”
He paused and gave it some more thought. Hmm, well, there was really only explanation for it, wasn’t it? He groaned. “Are those two... married ?”
“Afraid so.”
“That’s… that’s...” he made a face.
“We need to meet to discuss it somewhere safe where we can’t be overheard, this can’t get out.”
“I completely agree. This can’t get out. So, Neutral Floor?”
“Okay, meet me there in five.”
Neutral Floor
Everything below the ground floor of the otherworldly office building belonged to Hell. Everything above it belonged to Heaven. But the ground floor was left as the neutral ground that none was supposed to use and it was unofficially called the Neutral Floor.
It was not completely empty, over the millenia both the offices often used it as a storage for things that were broken, went out of fashion or just someone wanted to get rid of.
Gabriel, who was there first, chose the first comfortable looking thing to sit on.
He didn’t quite understand Beelzebub’s look when ze said, “A fainting couch, really?”
He pretended to know what that annoying fly was talking about and shrugged (in his opinion) most knowledgeably as if they had more important things to discuss. Which they had.
“So, what shall we do?” he asked.
“We should go through all their memos and find out how long they have been married, when it happened, who took the other one’s name and so.”
Gabriel made a face, not really looking forward to sieving through hundreds of years of memos of the two - it reminded him of the whole Apocalypse debacle - just skimming the files for the not-execution paperwork was unpleasant enough.
The demon continued, “I’ll get Dagon on it.”
Oooh, a delegation , what a splendid idea!
“Very well, tell Dagon to contact Michael who will work on it from my side. But no more. As you said, this can’t get out.”
The demon nodded.
Neutral Floor, a week later
Gabriel and Beelzebub were staring at their employees. All four were sitting on comfortable though not truly matching chairs they had put around a big round massive table. Gabriel tried to ignore that Dagon was consuming some gross unholy matter called ‘fish and chips’ that was apparently from the caffé next door. (And if that was not enough, to his great horror, Michael tried one of the ‘chips’. The demon was corrupting his angel! But there were more pressing matters to focus on unfortunately).
Dagon and Michael finished reporting their findings.
“You cannot be serious!” said Gabriel.
Dagon and Michael looked at each other and Dagon sighed, “I’m afraid that it is so. They have been married the whole time that Heaven and Hell use sigils.”
Beelzebub glared, “And no one noticed?”
Michael slowly started, “No, but...”
“But what?”
“I was discussing it with Uriel and-”
“Wait, you’ve been instructed not to tell anyone else!” glared Gabriel (didn’t he emphasize enough that this can’t get out?!).
Michael ignored him, “I discussed with Uriel because they are one of the other Guardians of Eden and well, after Uriel told me some things I asked also the rest of the Guardians,” (Gabriel moaned in despair), “and it seems that those two had been friendly with each other already then , in Eden . ”
Beelzebub gritted zir teeth. “Impossible.”
Dagon said, “The angel shielded Crowley from the first rain, they’ve been meeting regularly since then - the Flood, the Crucifixion, during Caligula’s reign...”
Beelzebub looked as if another Apocalypse was canceled, “What a nightmare.”
Gabriel grimly agreed.
When Dagon and Michael left the room, Gabriel and Beelzebub decided to discuss the situation some more.
So the upper management spent some time ranting about their useless employees who did not spend enough time on the memos, were lazy, non-organized, and didn’t take enough caution with sensitive information. Then they spent some more time ranting about the traitors and how they were a prime example of a useless employee.
Neutral Floor, another week later
Gabriel and Beelzebub were sitting in the comfortable armchairs they had acquired for this place. Gabriel was quite content with himself - moments ago Beelzebub tried to tempt him with something called ‘coffee’ - the demon installed this big contraption capable of creating it into the room because, as ze said, if they keep meeting here there must be several key things for zir to function - and while the coffee smelled very nice and the description sounded amazing (being less tired when doing paperwork!), he was a strong Archangel who was powerful enough to resist these sinful temptations. Go him!
They looked at Dagon and Hastur (oh no, another being brought into the knowing?! He was paranoid about the situation as it was - nowadays he often came upon groups of angels who were discussing something and quickly became silent when they saw him. And now this. Don’t they understand that they were increasing the chances of this getting out?).
Dagon nodded at Hastur.
Hastur started, “I hate Crowley. I hate the smug, flashy bastard.” He paused. “But… the truth is that we should have probably suspected him of being much more smart and cunning than he presented himself.”
“What do you mean?” frowned Beelzebub.
“The being Crowley, as he presented himself, was this low-level demon who was a little bit useless and lazy - you know, Falling more for being an annoying inquisitive wiseass than for being truly zealous about the revolution. But then as a field agent he started several world wars, invented the Spanish Inquisition and toppled regimes! That’s not something that he should have been - as he idiotishly presented himself - capable of.”
“Oh my lord,” squaked Gabriel (it was a manly squak!). The archangel realized that it was exactly the same with Aziraphale - he presented himself as this bumbling anxious idiot wanted to be liked and accepted by his fellow angels but at the same time not really attending the angel seminars about the correct memo filings and instead sampling the human food and reading for pleasure and doing other un-angely things, but at the same time he did stop horrible wars and built many prosperous empires. Also, how could the two - without being incredibly smart and capable - cancel the Apocalypse?! That didn’t add up!
“They totally played us, didn’t they,” whispered Gabriel after he explained his thoughts.
“I so want to smite them,” said Sandalphon (wait, when did he get there?!).
Well, while Gabriel was able to resist the previous Beelzebub’s coffee temptations, after learning this he wasn’t able to withstand zir whiskey temptation - he just wanted to forget all these horrible learnings for a bit. (Well, it turned out that one bottle of whiskey was not enough for that, so they got several more of them. They got quite drunk and again complained to each about their ten million useless employees who needed to be beaten into shape, and one traitorous employee who ruined their Armageddon. It started a bit similar as before, but somehow the alcohol made the other one much more sympathetic and understanding, and they agreed that perhaps, just perhaps , there might exist some parallels to their situations).
At least he was able to miracle away the hangover the next day.
Perhaps the next time he should settle the score with this introduction to things and take the demon to his tailor? The human clothing was fantastic.
Neutral Floor, a couple days later
When Gabriel arrived he was surprised to find a low-level demon (was it the one that brought the Hellfire to Heaven?) and a low-level angel playing some kind of game. He glared at the angel and the angel quickly fled. The demon did as well.
Gabriel observed what they were so focused on - it was this weird thing with handles and small figurines and-
“Oh is that a table football?” interrupted Beelzebub his thoughts.
“What?”
“You want to play a game? So I can kick your ass in at least something - if I couldn’t do it in the Apocalypse?”
Ooooh, so that was what the demon and angel must have been doing! Trying to fight at least a little bit if they can’t do in the warfield. What a great idea! He must send out a memo that this activity is allowed and encouraged.
“Very well.”
Gabriel lost.
8:2
Who knew that such a small figure could be that ferocious? He should probably practice with zir more often - so he could defeat this fiend.
He sat in his armchair and allowed the coffee this time - in exchange for a promise to a tailor visit (he was so smart and cunning!).
Mmm, this coffee thing wasn’t half bad.
Perhaps exceptions could be made. Who knew perhaps it is of an angelic origin? Something purely human or demon-influenced couldn’t taste that good.
And he really wanted to get one of those ‘The Best Boss’ coffee mugs Beelzebub had told him about.
“I was discussing it with the Dark Council,” (Oh no! More beings in the know!) “and we have a theory.”
“Yes?”
“What if Aziraphale and Crowley are actually Her agents? What if She put her own personal agents one to Hell and one to Heaven from the start to influence things and to report directly to her. You know, that would explain them being very intelligent and skillful but hiding it, also being immune to Hellfire and Holy Water, and lastly being able to cancel the Apocalypse - she must have empowered them and guided them if the Apocalypse was not something She wanted.”
Gabriel gasped. That made so much sense!
He said so.
Beelzebub continued, “Which brings a question… why are they married?”
Gabriel sighed and asked if he could get a shot of whiskey in his coffee.
Two weeks later, Gabriel's office
Gabriel sat at his desk (which had ‘The Best Boss’ coffee mug on it), face in his hands, despairing about life.
A couple of moments ago Michael came to tell him the horrible news and then left to give him private time to compose himself.
Why, oh why?
And until now everything went quite well! Him and Beelzebub agreed to redecorate the Neutral Floor and equip it with several competitive games so the angels and demons could compete and thwart each other. So, the whole floor turned into one competitive zone with table footballs, darts, bowling areas, billiard tables and other ingenious mini-war-like contraptions. There was also a sitting area to play something called ‘board games’ and Gabriel and Beelzebub were talking about creating a joint department that would create their own board games with small figures representing angels and demons. (The deparment would be tasked with both creating new ones and transforming the existing ones - the process of creating their version of ‘Monopoly’ was going quite well.) In the sitting area there was also possible to have small snacks - he was a little hesitant at first about his angels being corrupted by unholy matter, but since the snacks were usually served with an excellent coffee, Gabriel allowed it.
He also took Beelzebub to his tailor, so now that fascinating little demon was adorned in the most lavish and magnificent suit.
Yes, everything was going great until Michael came into his office and completely spoiled his day. Well, his week. Or year. Maybe century?
From the beginning of learning about the whole marriage matter, the most important aspect was for it to not to get out.
And guess what?
It got out.
It bloody got out!
Well, apparently it was out for quite some time and pretty much the whole Heaven and Hell knew it. And-
His phone started vibrating. Oh, Beelzebub.
He was not looking forward to telling the demon the news.
He took the phone, “I’ve got news.”
“So do I.”
“Neutral Floor?”
“On my way.”
When Gabriel got there it was so full that he actually had to pull rank and seize a table from a couple of low-level entities since none of the tables were free. Perhaps they will have to add a couple of floors to neutral zones? One above and one below so it would not be so overcrowded?
When Beelzebub joined him he told the Prince of Hell the terrible news.
Beelzebub nodded. “I’m afraid I learned not only that but also what did the angels and demons conclude from that. Apparently they’ve been discussing the issue in secrecy for the last few weeks. As far as I know, it was happening in all nine circles of Hell - so I suppose in Heaven it must have gone similarly, and they all reached one conclusion about it all.”
Gabriel swallowed, “Yes?”
“They think - and listening to them I agree - that it was truly Her who inserted her two agents, one in Heaven and one in Hell, not only to report for Her, to influence humanity and to interrupt an Apocalypse if needed, but the main reason...”
“Yes?”
“The main reason was to guide us, angels and demons, about the Ineffable Plan - you remember the two of them mentioning it on the airfield, right?
“Uh, yes, but what-”
“And the Ineffable Plan is reuniting the demons and the angels again.”
“...what? How?”
“Through marriage. One angel, one demon.”
“Holy shit.”
“Quite.”
“I mean… like… if that is Her plan, then of course the angels will obey, but it’s not as if the demons would go for it, right? You serve Lucifer and Lucifer would certainly not agree with all this...”
“Well, actually...” Beelzebub took a deep breath, “Actually, Lucifer is not in Hell anymore.”
“ What? ”
“After the Armageddon debacle he was so pissed off that he said he needed a vacation and left Hell. According to my sources he is currently in Los Angeles running a nightclub and quite enjoying himself. I don’t even know if he plans to come back.”
“...”
“So… if we were quick about it… we could finish the whole Ineffable Plan before he comes back.”
Gabriel stared at zir.
2019, Aziraphale’s bookshop
Aziraphale was mildly glaring at the back of a customer who was speedily leaving the premises. Such cheek! Such nerve! Insisting on buying one of his books! The angel patted the head of the huge snake that helped him to chase off this most persistent nuisance.
Perhaps today they shall close the shop earlier and go for a nice walk? Recently they started to sample every restaurant in London and Crowley made for him something called ‘a blog’ to share his musings with other people. Aziraphale was not very sure how it worked but after each visit he wrote up a couple of pages about the visit and Crowley somehow ‘blogged’ it. The two of them were already talking about visiting interesting restaurants also in other cities. His demon told him that people loved his posts so surely he should not make them wait too much time for a new post and visit another restaurant?
Suddenly the bell above the door sounded again and next to him Crowley violently shapeshifted into his human form and stood in front of him as if defensively shielding him from something, Aziraphale turned to see what… oh.
The Archangel Gabriel stood in the doorway in all his glory and Aziraphale wanted to grab the nearest sword-shaped object and put it on fire to use as a weapon (it was an umbrella) and-
-wait. Was it the Archangel Gabriel? It looked like him, but... whoever this was, he was sipping from a big Starbucks cup so surely it couldn’t be the I-do-not-sully-the-temple-of-my-celestial-body-with-gross-matter Gabriel?
“Why are you here?” hissed his serpent at the Archangel imposter.
Gabriel made a peaceful gesture. “I’m here because I lost. Which is most unfair because I’m 90% sure that Beez was peeking at my battleships so ze knew which fields to target.”
“...what?”
Gabriel sighed, “You can stop pretending, you know. We figured it all out and are now implementing the Ineffable Plan.”
Aziraphale and Crowley looked at each other and then repeated, “What?”
“Or don’t stop if you can’t. Perhaps it’s Her orders?” The Archangel looked up. “Nevermind. Long story short, we figured out that you are married and it’s the Ineffable Plan. Beelzebub and I are getting married as the first couple on Saturday. Also that day will be married Dagon and Michael who apparently got close when talking about filing, Hastur and Sandalphon whose relationship seems to be a lot about smiting people but we agreed with Beez to stay out of it, and several other couples. But we all agree that you should be there, after all it’s all because of you.”
The Archangel beamed at them and waited for the answer.
And waited.
And waited.
Finally Aziraphale asked, “Will there be cake?”
“Oh yes, a big chocolate-coffee cake. So, the Neutral Floor, Saturday at twelve. I got to run, I still have some errands to do because apparently after marriage there should be something called a honeymoon which is like a vacation and I have to be sure that everything will go smoothly even without me being in the office. See you there.”
And then he was gone.
“Angel, what in the Nine Circles of Hell just happened?”
Aziraphale hummed, “I don’t know. But I do know that I like a big chocolate-coffee cake. Do you think that the readers of our blog would be interested in a post about a wedding?”