Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

‘Dios mio!’ Catalina lunged for the door but it was too late- she could already feel her grip on the pile of papers in her hands slipping. Possibly it was because she also happened to be burdened down with a handbag, a newspaper, three magazines, an umbrella, a bag of shopping and a thermos of green tea. Possibly it was just because the universe hated her and wanted her to do badly. 

(Personally, Catalina felt herself leaning towards the latter.)

‘You dropped your papers.’

Setting her other burdens down on the nearest table, Catalina cast her best withering look towards the counter, where her goddaughter was starting up the espresso machine.

‘Thank you Cathy. I am aware .’

Rather than jumping forward with apologies for her lack of concern and offers of help, Cathy merely shrugged, smiling slightly as if the withering look had had no effect on her whatsoever, and carried on scrubbing loose coffee granules out of the filter.

‘Just thought you might want to know.’

Catalina raised an eyebrow.

‘’Rather than just pointing it out, you COULD offer to help.

‘Oh yeah, sorry.’

There was a pause.

‘ Cathy! ’

‘Hm?’

Catalina gestured and Cathy jumped, finally seeming to wake up properly. 

‘ Oh! Sorry, yeah-’ Abandoning the machine, she rushed around the counter and started to help gather scattered papers enthusiastically.

Catalina shook her head. Cathy was, in her opinion, damned lucky that she was blessed with the ability to render almost anything the heavens with milk foam- 

It (and her unerring knack for coming up with exactly the right catchy puns for the weeks specials) just about made up for her often infuriating absent mindedness. 

 (The ‘Cat-achino’ for International Cat day was Catalina’s personal favourite. The customers liked it enough that it very nearly made up for the fact that Cathy had called her at 3am to fill her in on it, having apparently come up with it during a particularly intense round of Shot Roulette at the bar of the students union.)

(‘ Catalina !’

‘What?’ Catalina fumbled sleepily for her phone, sparks of anxiety hitting her as she recognised the name on the screen. ‘Mija, what is it? Are you alright? Are you hurt?’

‘’M fine, but listen! Have a wonderful idea! Wonder-ful? WON-der-FUL? Such a good idea, anyway!’

Catalina flopped back against her pillows, her heart rate slowly returning to normal.

‘Catherine Parr. Are you drunk?’

‘ NO !’ Cathy sounded impressively outraged. ‘Not….not at all! Just- oh yeah! Wonderful idea, for the specials!’

‘Catherine Parr.’ Catalina made herself speak very slowly and very deliberately. ‘Enjoy tonight. Enjoy it well. Savour it.’

‘Why?

‘Because I am going to KILL you tomorrow.’)

‘How did you even manage to carry all this?’

Well. I didn’t. As you can see.’ Catalina groaned as she realised that her Waitrose bag seemed to be leaking strawberry yogurt . ‘Oh god not today- Please tell me at least that no one has arrived yet.’

‘Who?’ Cathy looked at her blankly. ‘Arrived for what? Are you expecting someone?’

‘Oh please-’ Catalina pinched the bridge of her nose between thumb and forefinger- she could feel the beginnings of a stress headache just on the verge of forming…

‘It’s ok!’ A pair of hands, adorned with two rings and chipped green nail polish, swooped down to take the remaining papers from her and begin dabbing at the pink spillage with a wad of napkins. ‘It’s all fine! I’ve been keeping an eye out since half seven and no one has so much as come near us- you definitely haven’t missed anyone, don’t worry-’

‘Thank heavens.’

‘-unless they were here before 7.30, but in that case, I'd say they’re weirdly over keen and you wouldn’t want them anyway...coffee?’

‘Please.’

As Catalina straightened up, Anne’s seemingly silent smooth entrance suddenly made sense.

‘Anne. No.’

‘What?’

‘Not today.’

‘What?’

‘You know what.’ Catalina fixed Anne with her sternest I-am-the-manager stare. ‘Take them off.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I want the candidates to think they’re coming to work at a professional establishment and the effect is rather ruined if one of our baristas is rolling around in wheely shoes!’

‘They’re heelys!’ But Anne relented. ‘Ok fine. I’ll take them off before anyone comes in. Admit it though, they do save time.’

‘That’s true Catty, they do-’ Cathy chipped in helpfully. Then she frowned. ‘Of course Anne, the time saved by the heelys could also be said to be eaten up when you drop a tray and have to stop what you’re doing to sweep up…’

‘Tattletale.’ Anne stuck her tongue out at an oblivious Cathy and rolled into the back room, emerging a minute later with a steaming espresso cup which she handed to Catalina. 

‘Mmmm. Thank you mija.’ Catalina swallowed it in one gulp- Anne winced as she did- and felt her rather dour mood begin to lift.

‘You’re welcome.’ Anne started to help pile the last of the papers onto the table. ‘Honestly I’m actually very impressed. How did you manage to carry all this?’

‘I had some help-’

(‘Oh!’

‘Oh sorry!’

Catalina barely kept the papers from slipping out of her hands as she recoiled,having managed to walk right into someone. Once she’d assured herself that her work was safe, she was able to take a better look at just WHO she’d walked into: a youngish girl, wearing school uniform and holding a sandwich.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry-’ Catalina had barely opened her mouth to explain herself before the girl was already speaking. ‘Did I knock you over?’

‘No, no, you’re fine.’ Catalina was mildly surprised and touched by how concerned the girl seemed for her. Then she wondered if it was because the girl thought she looked particularly frail (maybe was concerned at having nearly toppled a geriatric) and the warm glow dissipated somewhat. Still, she couldn’t help but smile at the girl. ‘It was all my fault, I wasn’t looking where I was going-’

‘Ok.’ The girl stopped apologising but still looked hesitant. ‘Are you sure- because I’m really clumsy and-’

‘No, really, you’re fine.’

‘Ok.’ The girl paused, fumbling with her sandwich. ‘Do you want some help? Carrying them to your car, I mean? So- so you dont drop them again?’

Catalina was gratified at the offer- both the offer and what it meant. The girl was obviously painfully shy; she kept glancing up at Catalina’s face and then looking back at the floor, as if she wasn't sure where she was meant to be looking and her fingers, twisting anxiously, were bitten as if their owner was in the habit of nervously chewing her nails. 

Still, she offered, even when she didn’t have to, just to be nice.

Catalina had been on the verge of saying no but something about the girl's manner stopped her. Suddenly she wondered if it would be somewhat churlish to turn down the offer- so sincerely made. So instead of politely saying she was fine as she usually would, she nodded briskly.

‘That would be very kind of you, thank you. Could you take this one?’

The girl nodded and took the bags and Catalina breathed a sigh of relief.

‘Great. Much better. My car is just down here.’

In slightly awkward silence, they walked the few yards and the girl waited while Catalina put the bags safely in the front seat.

‘Thank you, I would have dropped them again for sure.’

‘You’re welcome. I know what it’s like, I- I drop stuff all the time too, I’m so clumsy.’

‘Well, thank you-’ She paused.

‘Katherine.’

‘Oh I have a goddaughter named Catherine. Except she goes by Cathy.’

‘Oh, how old is she?’

‘Older than you I think- she’ll be nineteen next month.’ Catalina paused. ‘Wow, saying that makes me feel old…’

‘You don’t look very old.’ The girl said it with the calm scrutiny of the young: absolutely sincere and without a trace of flattery.

‘That’s sweet of you to say Katherine. Anyway, I shouldn’t keep you. Thanks again for your help.’

Katherine gave a little smile and then ducked her head and hurried off. Catalina pulled out.

Sweet girl. Shame she was so anxious.)

‘Do you think you’ll get anyone good?’

‘Hm?’

‘For the job. Do you think we’ll get anyone good? Because I miss having free time-’

‘Goodness knows. I hope so. Speaking of which….’ Catalina checked her watch. ‘The first one should be here any minute-’

‘Hello- ‘The voice was oddly familiar but Catalina couldn’t quite place it. ‘I’m- here because I think I’m meant to have an interview? With- with Mrs Trastamara?’

‘Oh yes sure. Sit yourself down. Would you like a drink? We have coffee and- stuff that isn’t coffee...’

Catalina could only assume the candidate had shaken their head.

‘Ok, I’ll just get her- Catalina!’

Anne poked her face into the tiny office. ‘First one’s here.’

‘Thanks Anne. Thoughts?’

‘Um. Young? Nervous? Honestly she looks about 12…’

Catalina’s heart sank. ‘Ok. Thanks. We’ll get through it quickly then- at least I know not to get my hopes up….’

She pushed open the door and stepped into the cafe. Her mouth fell open.

It was the girl from the shop.

Chapter Text

The interview is an ordeal- which is not to say it’s Katherine’s fault exactly: interviews are just always an ordeal. She’s not an idiot- she’s known for ages that she was going to have to start outside recruiting eventually, that try as she might to staff the cafe with only people she knows already (or people known to people she knows already), she’s sort of wrung those pools of acquaintances dry already.

(Say what you will about nepotism but it certainly saves time.)

Still. She hates interviews.

Annoyingly, being on the other side of the table isn’t enough to erase the swell of unpleasant memories that rise to the fore at the prospect: years of ‘So where are you from ORIGINALLY?’, countless queries as to whether she would consider going by Catherine ‘in the workplace’ just to make things easier , so many sideways glances over water-spotted glasses, and always that little intake of breath- as sort of let’s get it over with - before they made hesitant enquiries as to whether the hair as they always called it (as if it was an exotic and troublesome pet and not part of her own self) was there to stay.

(She’d tried being funny- with a strained smile and a Well I certainly hope so! - and she’d tried being icily polite- I don’t think that’s really any of your business, is it? Is there something in the dress code that forbids employees from allowing their hair to grow naturally?- but nothing worked, and after every interview, she’d end up, as she always did, in the comfort of Jane’s small flat, trying to talk past the angry tightness in her throat, a shredded tissue balled up in her first, while Jane nodded and hummed agreement and put cups of steaming Earl Grey in front of her and Smokey rubbed against their legs and purred like a small locomotive.

It had all been Jane’s idea, right at the very beginning:

‘You should start your own place. Then you can have your own rules.’

It had been Jane too who had kept saying it, never pushing, but stubborn in her own quiet Jane-ish way, until Catalina’s snorts of derision had turned to tentative How’s. 

Then, not long after, to When?

It hadn’t been easy but they’d managed it, clawed out a tiny space for themselves in a side street and clung to it tenaciously through the small but harrowing storms of permits and inspections and money worries that had followed.

And yet somehow, impossibly, now here they were- busy enough, popular enough, established enough that they had more customers than they could serve between the four of them (five when Anna took pity on them during the lunch rush and would tie a teatowel around her waist for an apron, scrub away the residual grime from coaxing back to life whatever appliance had given up the ghost and start gamely taking orders and clearing tables).

That success- hard won- meant hiring.

Unfortunately.

*

She knew from the first she wasn’t going to hire the girl.

Sixteen-going-on-seventeen she might be but Catalina had no interest in fielding the inevitable slew of questions from patrons about any possible contravening of child labour laws, for all that Cathy had already tried to change her mind on the subject.

(‘How are they meant to GET experience if nobody will hire them?’

Catalina had ignored her goddaughter’s vehement harranguing and continued locking up.

‘It’s not FAIR!’

She’d raised an amused eyebrow at this.

‘I think the last time I heard you say it like that, you were nine and begging me to buy you a furby for Christmas.’

‘What’s that got to do with it?’

‘It didn’t work then and it isn’t going to work now.’

‘I’m not whining !’ Her goddaughter looked outraged. ‘I am CRUSADING.’

‘If you say so mija.’

Cathy made a face and hopped up to perch on the edge of the countertop. 

‘Anyway you’re being a total hypocrite-’

Irked, Catalina turned away from wrestling with the twisted blind cord. ‘How so, may I ask?’

‘You hired me without any experience.’

‘Well I’ve also been overseeing you in the kitchen since the age of seven. So you know. Just a TOUCH different-’

Cathy ignored the sarcasm blithely as she always did. ‘What about Anne?’

‘That’s different too-’

‘HOW is that different?’

‘Well-’ Catalina shrugged. ‘I knew she was going to be hanging around here anyway, so I thought I might as well get some work out of her while I was at it, that’s all. Compensate for all the free cake and coffee and the countless broken mugs-’

Cathy looked unimpressed. ‘You could have just started making her pay for stuff, you know.’

‘ Charge her?’ Catalina turned on her in disbelief. ‘I took her trick or treating, Cathy!’

‘Yeah, I remember. When we were ten. We had matching witch hats. So what?’

‘That’s a sacred bond mija!’

‘Is it?’ 

‘YES!’ Catalina ignored her goddaughter’s skepticism. ‘It is! Honestly mija, the girl might drive me crazy but do you really think I have it in me to charge her?’

‘No.’ Cathy shook her head and smiled to herself. ‘I don’t think you do.’)

She might have overlooked the age thing, admittedly, for a good enough candidate but she’d known immediately that nothing would induce her to hire this girl, who sat straight-backed and stiff, as if the padded armchair Anne had directed her to was stuck with pins and who stammered out her answers almost too quietly for Catalina to hear.

The entire thing was so uncomfortable that after ten minutes Catalina had ended it, with the smoothest ‘ Andthat’stheend….so do you have any questions for me?’ she could manage.

The girl had shaken her head immediately, as if this was a test and shrunk back into her chair as if she was terrified to be addressed directly.

God, the poor thing was so nervous.

Catalina wished- not for the first time- that she didn’t have to be the one in charge of all this.

She just wasn’t cut out for it.

(‘Isn’t that meant to be one of the perks of being the boss lady?’ Anna made space for Catalina on the low wall beside the backdoor of the kitchen and lit a cigarette.

Catalina made a face.

‘Sorry.’

‘If I ask you for one later, you’re not allowed to say yes. I’m sticking to it this time.’

Anna raised a disbelieving eyebrow and took a drag.

‘I AM….’ Then she sighed. ‘Although God knows this whole thing might just push me back off the wagon….’

‘And you’re biting your nails again too.’

Guiltily, Catalina hid her ragged cuticles in the sleeves of her jacket. ‘Shush. It’s a lesser vice.’

Anna chuckled. ‘Why not just pass it off to someone? Seriously. Delegate.’

‘To who?’

‘Anyone.’ Anna grestured expansively, as if to conjure up a whole additional crew of staff onto which to foist unwanted duties. ‘Anyone. Me, for example. I can always squeeze it in between jobs and I’ve mostly been doing local stuff anyway so I’m really close and it’d be no troubled-’

‘I can’t ask you to do recruitment for me Anna, you’ve got enough on your plate.’ Catalina shook her head reluctantly as Anna opened her mouth to protest. ‘Also I love you and you’d be brilliant but I can’t have someone who doesn’t even officially work here do recruitment for me, it’d look odd .’

‘They’d never know.’

‘Whoever I hired would probably notice in time. Sorry Anna- it’s kind of you, but no.’

‘Cathy?’

‘If she can get distracted enough on till to start up a book conversation before she’s even taken the order, how well do you think she’ll do with an interview situation?’

Anna nodded slowly.

‘And Jane can’t-?’

Catalina sighed. ‘She would. If I asked. And she wouldn’t complain and she might be ok but she’d hate every second of it, it’d make her anxious for days in advance and….well if something did happen, if someone said something, if-’ She faltered, thinking of the many excruciating moments when stress would hamstring her oldest friend, tripping her tongue and rendering even the simplest of words incomprehensible and leaving Jane herself a puddle of utter humiliation. ‘I can’t do that to her Anna. I won’t.’

‘So I suppose that rules out asking Anne too?’

Catalina nodded. ‘She’d do it in a moment- and I’m sure she’d do fine, but it wouldn’t work. Jane would only wonder why I wasn’t asking her, and I don’t want to humiliate her.’ She sighed. ‘No, I have to do it.’

‘Godspeed, liebling.’ 

Catalina chuckled and stood up.

‘Remember. Don’t let me have a cigarette. No matter how much I beg.’

Anna sucked in her breath.

‘It’s going to be that bad?’

‘Worse. Much worse.’)

*

The interview is excruciating but the bit afterwards- while Katherine waits awkwardly in the cafe for her ride home and Catalina valiantly does all she can to avoid having to go back out there to face her- is worse.

Anne corners her after twenty minutes.

‘Are you going to be like this for all of them?’

Catalina tries to rearrange her features into a would-be nonchalant expression. ‘I don’t know what you mean.’

Anne snorts. ‘If you can’t even face the candidates after the interview, how are you going to work with the one you hire?’

‘I’m busy Anne.’

‘You’re not.’

‘I AM.’ Catalina wonders- not for the first time- at Anne’s ability to make her engage in childish arguments like this, despite being more than fifteen years her junior.

‘Whatever you say.’ Smirking and secure in her victory, Anne sashays out of the back room.

Sighing, Catalina follows her.

She knows she’ll never hear the end of it otherwise.

*

When Catalina first lays eyes on Henry Tudor, he’s bending over the counter and examining the display so closely that she wonders for a moment if he’s lost something, if maybe he’s visually impaired. 

Then he straightens up with a condescending little chuckle that makes her immediately imagine throwing him out of the plate glass window.

‘I can’t believe it- they’ve actually misspelled pastries ! In a cafe!’ He shakes his head delightedly, and Catalina wonders for a second if he’s addressing himself to her- and then Katherine, still seated at the table, gives an unhappy little twitch and Catalina  realises they’re together.

Damn. It’ll make it a lot harder to throw this supercilious little prick out if he’s the ride Katherine is waiting for.

‘I mean, you expect them to cut corners in these pinterest-worshipping little pop-ups but you’d think they could get a NAME right...Probably the first time they’ve had to write something that wasn’t a tweet or a snapchat caption-’

He appears to be utterly unaffected by the fact that his- Friend? Sister? No, Katherine had mentioned she was waiting for her boyfriend - seemed to be utterly unresponsive to his tirade.

No, not just unresponsive- Katherine is frozen and she’s staring at the sugar bowl as if she’s trying very, very hard to disappear.

Jane appears at Catalina’s elbow, hands writing anxiously, her voice a panicked whisper.

‘Oh god, I’m so sorry- I must have not been paying attention as I copied it out-’

Catalina shakes her head and puts a hand on Jane’s arm.

‘It’s ok. Don’t worry about it.’

‘But if people notice-’

‘If people notice, no one will care.’ Anne carries a tray piled high with teacups past them and only lowers her voice halfway. ‘Honestly Jane, they won’t. Because luckily, most of our clients aren’t utter douchebags -’

She raises her voice a couple of decibels on the last word and Catalina flinches but luckily, Henry appears to be too busy scrutinizing the drinks board to notice. Probably checking the spelling there too- she feels a momentary flash of relief when she remembers that Anne was in charge of writing the drink-of-the-day out today, and then a pang of guilt at her own disloyalty.

What should it matter, after all, if Jane can’t spell the names of half of what she bakes? They all know- Catalina more than anyone- that without Jane’s skill with confectionery, the cafe would have less than a quarter of its current customer base. 

Coffee, after all, you can get anywhere but Jane’s recipes exist only in her head.

Jane looks torn between scolding Anne for her vulgarity and being comforted by the sentiment- she settles for a small, reluctant chuckle and then dips her head and makes for the kitchen, her cheeks still flaming.

Catalina makes herself take a couple of deep breaths- Jane will be ok, she knows, and she’ll check up on her later just to make doubly sure- and then steps forward, smiling so hard her cheeks are aching within seconds.

‘Good afternoon! Are you being served?’

The boy barely bothers to conceal his smirk.

‘Well if I was waiting to be, I’d have been waiting….’ He checks his Rolex- it looks too heavy for his pale, adolescent wrist. ‘A whole three minutes!’ 

He makes an elaborate pantomime of raising his eyebrows when he reads the time and Catalina has to fight the urge to slap the smugness off his face.

‘What can I get for you?’

‘Oh nothing.’ He smirks again. ‘I’m not actually waiting . Just thought you’d like to know. In the interest of keeping up standards, of course.’

‘Of course.’ Her face is really starting to hurt.

The one silver lining to all of this, Catalina reminds herself as he turns away, is that at least now she needn’t feel bad about not hiring the girl. 

Nice as she might have seemed at first meeting, Catalina knows that if this is the sort of company she keeps then it’s a clear indication that Katherine Howard is certainly not suited for-

‘Oh come on, you didn’t actually think you were going to get it, did you?’

The boy's piercing voice cuts through her thoughts, jovial, joshing. ‘You haven’t even got any experience- I TOLD you they’d want someone who knew what they were doing. What did you tell them when they asked about experience- you’ve made a cup of tea before and you kind of sort of can work a kettle?’

Katherine mumbles something in response and he raises his eyebrows, cupping his ear.

‘What? What was that? God if you were this quiet in the interview, it’s a wonder if they heard a word- and how do you expect the customers to hear you? I keep telling you, you don’t get anywhere by being such a-’ He affects a mincing expression. ‘-such a mouse .’

Katherine is blushing; she stands and hoists her bag onto her shoulder but Henry is standing still, waiting.

‘Katherine! I said how do you expect the customers to hear you?’

‘I- I don’t know-’

‘Well what a surprise !’

It’s funny- he’s still smiling, amused, teasing. He’s not even touching Katherine.

But there’s something- perhaps in the boys voice or perhaps in the hunch of the girls shoulders, the way she keeps her eyes down and her hands balled into tense unhappy little fists- that makes Catalina remember another boy, another girl: terse questions she could never answer to his satisfaction, the glint in his eye when he’d succeeded in talking her into some verbal trap, the pinch of his fingers, tight around her wrist, his spit spraying her as he shouted, his face up close to hers, the bruises that she was never sure she was quite hiding, the crushing loneliness of knowing above all, that he was right and she was wrong-

‘You’ve got the job.’

Her voice is overly loud in the quiet cafe, and too blunt, too brittle; she’s not even looking at the girl properly when she says it but Katherine looks up at her anyway.

‘Me?’

‘Her?’ Henry looks aghast and Catalina finds strength in this, in his surprise.

‘Yes, her.’ She looks at the girl properly and modifies her tone. ‘I mean, you. I mean-’ She pauses, fumbling for the right words: she’s never hired someone before, what are you meant to say? ‘I mean, if you’re still interested?’

The girl looks incredulous, more taken aback than Henry and for a moment Catalina thinks she’s going to turn it down. But then- so quickly that Catalina almost misses it- she glances up at the boy beside her, and her timid expression settles into something that looks almost like resolve.

‘Yes. Yes please.’

‘Great.’ Catalina can feel her hands shaking ever so slightly and wills herself to keep it together until she can get back into the office- it’s been a while since she’s thought of Him and it’s hit her all the harder for it being unexpected. ‘When can you start?’

They agree a day, a time. 

Anne stares, open mouthed as she takes more plates to the kitchen, Katherine nods a shy, grateful goodbye; Henry closes the door with just a touch too much force behind him as they leave.

Catalina is left standing there, still slightly stunned at herself.

Fuck.

(What has she gotten herself into?)

Chapter Text

If Catalina’s alarm clock hadn’t somehow malfunctioned (her own fault for letting Cathy replace her old one with one in the shape of a cat from Ikea: ‘ Just because it’s paw waves in time with the second hand does NOT make it a good clock Cathy-’) meaning that she woke up two hours earlier than usual-

If she hadn’t realised that she was out of coffee AND milk, making every minute she delayed leaving for work a minute without the caffeine injection she relied upon to wake herself up-

If her newspaper hadn’t been left half sticking out of the letter box, resulting in one half of dry, readable newspaper and one half of greyish papier mache pulp-

If it had, in short, been a normal day, everything would have been different.

(She thanks God later that it was not a normal day. )

On a normal day, Catalina wouldn’t have arrived at work until just before 8ish, with just enough time to begin opening up before the first bleary commuters started to trickle in. As it was, she arrived just before 7, still slightly sleepy-eyed (and hoping to god that Anna didn’t end up having anything noisy to fix until she’d at least woken up a bit) to see a slight figure hovering outside the backdoor.

Her first thought was that she was going to have to ask them to move so she could unlock the door.

Her second was that she was glad she’d paid with cash for her groceries last night because it meant she definitely had some spare change at the bottom of her purse to offer them in order to mitigate her guilt at having to ask them to step aside.

And her third thought- well, she never got quite as far as a third thought.

‘Kitty?’

The girl gave a little start and jerked around, her hand tightening on her bag reflexively. It was her school bag, Catalina noticed, absently- although apart from that, and the fact that Kitty was wearing her school blazer, she didn’t look like she was on her way to school.

Used as she was to some of her staff looking slightly tousled on occasion (Cathy and Anne dragging themselves in after long study sessions or the more fun but just as draining nights out), she’d noticed early on that Kitty was impressively neat and well-groomed, even when she also looked tired.

(She did her best not to dwell too long on why : Kitty’s look of surprise when Cathy had casually mentioned that she never seldom wore makeup because she didn’t like how it felt on her face was so sincere it would have been funny if it wasn’t so sad.

‘ Really?’

‘Why would she lie?’ There was the very slightest of edges in Anne’s voice, even though Cathy herself didn’t look at all bothered by the question.

Kitty blushed. ‘Sorry- I didn’t mean- sorry-’

‘It’s fine.’ Cathay straightened up from the cupboard she was organising with a reassuring smile. ‘Do you wear make up a lot then?’

‘Always.’ She said it so simply it was clear that Kitty wasn’t exaggerating. ‘I look awful without it-’

Jane raised an eyebrow and left the cake display to join them. ‘I’m sure you don’t love-’

‘I do.’ She didn’t look at any of them as she said it, Catalina noticed: her fingers worried at a loose thread in her sleeve. ‘Honestly, I do. You don’t want to see me without it, really-’

An awkward silence had settled on them, despite Kitty’s attempt at sounding lighthearted and things had remained slightly uncomfortable for the rest of the day.)

Now however, there was a tousled, slightly grubby look about the girl- as if it had been a while since she’d had a chance to wash her face or hands or comb her hair.

And also-

‘Hi.’

Kitty smiled awkwardly and ducked her head shyly as Catalina came towards her.

Catalina waited for her to explain- why she was there so early, why she was there at all- but after the silence had stretched out embarrassingly for a few seconds, she realised explanations were not going to be as forthcoming as she had initially hoped.

Not that she should be surprised, she supposed- despite all Cathy and Jane’s reassurances that Catalina was not at all scary really (and Anne’s slightly more frustrating method of doing deliberately annoying things just to prove to Kitty that Catalina wasn’t going to start shouting or throwing things no matter how irritated she was), Kitty still persisted in being stubbornly wary of her and this led to all their interactions being rather formal.

It was frustrating to Kitty grow more comfortable with everyone in the cafe except her: especially, Catalina felt, as she was the one who had chosen to hire the girl in the first place.

From her initial silence and shyness at work, Kitty was now comfortable enough to ask Jane (timidly it was true, but at least she was asking) about her different bakes and even to answer Jane’s questions about her likes and dislikes with questions of her own. 

She allowed herself giggle out loud at Anne’s wild stories, and as for Anna, Catalina was sure that she would follow Anna around all day if she could. (Their early concerns about what Kitty would make of the tall, imposing woman in bike leathers had been utterly unfounded: from the moment Anna had picked up on Kitty’s fixated stare and gently asked if she would like to pet ‘Clovis’, Kitty had taken to Anna immediately and Anna now spent her breaks with a shadow.) 

She had even accepted Cathy’s help with her English homework once or twice. (This was lucky. Catalina was sure Cathy would not have been above begging: her eyes had lit up at the very mention of English homework and Anne hadn’t stopped teasing her about it all day)

However, she still seemed annoyingly on edge around Catalina herself- and Catalina wondered what on earth she’d do if Kitty just refused to tell her anything.

‘What are you doing out here?’ (She felt decidedly more wide awake. It turned out that the shock of an unaccompanied teenage girl outside her shop at the crack of dawn woke her up even more than caffeine did. Although if she had to pick one , she’d have chosen coffee.)

‘Oh….nothing. Just….waiting.’ Kitty gave a would-be nonchalant shrug- one that was sadly hindered in its believability by the fact that it was interrupted by a shiver. ‘For school to start. I- I woke up really early and i couldn’t go back to sleep.

She met Catalina’s eye as she said it, with an uncharacteristically determined look and Catalina realised two things: firstly, that the girl was lying through her teeth and secondly that there was no way in hell she was going to get her to admit to it standing where they were.

Well, she was nothing if not patient. (She’d had plenty of practise with Cathy- who was painfully resistant to the idea of appearing anything less than entirely in control even when the opposite was patently obvious to all except Cathy herself- and Anne- who had learned the art of putting on a happy and socially-approved face at a tender age and who tended to need reminding that not everybody viewed every emotion other than happiness as the mark of sulky, naughty and terribly behaved child.)

She nodded, as if Kitty’s explanation made sense.

‘I had the same thing happen to me- my alarm clock decided I needed to see the sun come up.’

Kitty smiled politely and fidgeted with the sleeves of her blazer. (Too big, Catalina had noticed right away. Was it a fashion or no one bothering to get the poor girl a uniform that fit? She couldn’t remember if Cathy and Anne had worn their own school uniforms oversized or not. She’d have to ask.)

‘I thought I’d see if you needed any help with opening. But I can go if you’re busy-’

‘No!’ It came out a tad more emphatically than she’d intended- she could have kicked herself when Kitty flinched. ‘No, it’s ok.’ Better. ‘It’s always nice to have company!’

She dug the key out of her purse and pushed the door open.

‘Come in.’

After a moment, Kitty followed her.

Chapter Text

The sleeping cafe was quiet and still and grey with shadows. Weak orange light fell in from the streetlamp outside. The twilight in-between time of opening and closing, Catalina reflected, always had a slight air of unreality to it- when the cafe was neither filled with patrons and staff and noise and light or empty and silent, but it was especially true now, with Kitty’s unexpected, unrequested presence beside her.

While Kitty excused herself to the small customer bathroom- Catalina wishing she had a whole shower back there so that the poor thing could clean up properly- Catalina pulled out her phone and walked around flipping on lights and frantically texting Jane.

Need you at the cafe asap please. Problem with Kitty.

The response came back almost immediately: ?

And then, as if Jane had been worried that this hadn’t quite expressed the extent of her confusion: ?????????????!!!!!

She was still trying to work out what to say when Kitty returned, looking slightly less grimey but no less weary. Her eyes were ringed in bruise-like shadows nd she was shivering but she held herself up straight.

‘I’ve never helped open before. What should I do first?’

The bravery of it made Catalina want to weep. The determined set of the girls thin shoulders, the clear resolve in her voice to show that she was definitely here to work and make herself useful actually necessitated Catalina clearing her throat before she could answer, for fear that her words would come out husky.

There was absolutely no doubt in her mind that she could give Kitty any task, any errand right now, and that she would do it, that she would do anything at all if it would allow her to stay even a minute longer. At the same time, Catalina would also have bet everything she owned on the fact that if she told Kitty to leave, she would do so- without fuss or pleading or any hint at all that she had nowhere else to go.

Surely she can’t have anywhere else to go- or else why would she be here? Especially so early….

Catalina was used to brave women- all her girls made her proud in how they worked around whatever unfortunate hand life had dealt them. She was proud of Jane every time she faced down a pen and paper without help (and even more so when she DID ask for help), of Anne for staying so resolutely cheerful when no one had ever cared enough to put on a smile to make things easier for her , of Anna for her unapologetic steadfast resolve to live her life exactly as she pleased. 

(She was proud of Cathy, full stop. But that was different. She knew she had to take care not to be too outwardly proud of her goddaughter for fear that it came off as boastful, ever since Jane had teasingly suggested that she start just introducing herself as ‘Catherine Parr’s godmother’ rather than ‘Catalina Trastamara.’

‘-or just have a tshirt made with an arrow and ‘I made this!’ in big letters…’

Catalina raised an unamused eyebrow. ‘Are you done? Besides, I didn’t. Make her, as you so delicately put it.’

Jane had just shrugged. ‘You know what I mean. And I do understand. You’ve had too much of a hand in raising her to not want to take credit now.’

‘I did the best I could.’

‘No.’ Jane leant forward and grabbed her hand, pulling Catalina back to look at her. ‘Don’t you dare. You did an amazing job, on incredibly short notice, without any prior warning and not much outside help. You should be proud of how Cathy’s turned out- you both should.’

‘Then why the Talk?’

‘Because-’ Jane turned back to the biscuits she was cutting out. ‘- we’re going to start losing customers unless you tone it down. Seriously. I want you to go into the office and say five times out loud to yourself that no one except us and hopefully some prospective employers care that Cathy got the highest mark on the course in her year. And that you’re going to stop telling everyone who steps foot in the door before we lose our regulars to Costa.’

‘Jane Seymour, you bite your tongue right now!’

‘I’m serious. They do not need to know.’

‘I get it Jane-’

Jane pointed a finger in the direction of Catalina’s tiny office-cum-storage cupboard. ‘Then go! Consider it like a….what’s the word? That thing Maria was talking about?’

‘Affirmations?’

‘Thank you. Consider it your affirmation for the day.’

Catalina rolled her eyes. 

‘Catty, you don’t seem to be moving.’

‘Are you seriously banishing me in my own cafe?’

‘Seeing as I own half the cafe, I think that gives me the right to banish you to half of it. And my half right now contains your office. Shoo!’

‘....Is this just a really convoluted way to get me to go so you can change the radio station?’

‘Perhaps. But also for real, tone it down! Now go!’

Chuckling, Catalina went.)

She was used to feeling proud of her girls- but watching Kitty pushing her weariness away and putting on a brave face worn thin with practise, she didn’t feel pride. She just felt sad. 

What, she wondered, has happened to this girl that she has ended up here?

And then she thought: Thank goodness she came here.

‘Catalina?’

She twitched herself out of her thoughts and opened her mouth- and then closed it again. 

Choose your words carefully. Don’t scare her. Don’t let her know that you know anything is wrong. Remember what Cathy was like at that age- remember what she is like now. For that matter, remember what you and Jane and Anne are like, all of you stubborn and infuriatingly skittish-

Forcing her tone to sound lighthearted was almost impossibly difficult but somehow she managed it.

‘Well we’re still very, very early- so we don’t need to rush to get ready right away. Normally I wouldn’t start open up for another hour or so-’

Kitty’s face fell immediately. ‘I know I’m really early- I can go away and come back if you-’ She took a step back to the door, as if to retreat to the chill of the early morning streets and Catalina repressed the urge to make a grab at her before she could flee.

‘No, no- there’s no need at all for you to go unless you want to. In fact I’d be glad of the company if you wouldn’t mind staying-’ Careful, careful. Don’t make her feel trapped and don’t make her feel like you want her to leave secretly. ‘Although-’ She took a deep breath and crossed her fingers behind her back. ‘I haven’t had a chance to get any breakfast this morning...would you mind if we had a bite to eat first?’

Kitty shook her head. ‘Of course not, it’s your cafe.’

‘Excellent!’ Catalina smiled as cheerfully as she could. ‘Let’s see what we can find-’

Kitty backed away so rapidly she bumped into a table. ‘No, I had breakfast already, I don’t need anything, really-’

‘Ok.’ 

‘I did! I- I had breakfast before I came here!’

Catalina held up her hands in supplication and made her voice as gentle as possible, slightly taken aback by the vehemence of the girl's denial. ‘Ok Katherine, that’s ok. I believe you.’ 

Careful, careful. She doesn’t trust you. And why should she? 

(She had a sudden flash of memory: humming soothingly as Anne frantically reeled off the list utterly believable and totally valid reasons that had caused her parents to forget to pick her up from the Year Eight overnight to Salisbury, nodding to Cathy to load Anne’s bags into the car with her own and hoping beyond hope that no one ever pointed out to Anne that the likelihood of both parents ‘being called into work’ last minute at 9pm on a Sunday evening was extremely low, not less because, as far as she was aware, Anne’s mother didn’t work at all.)

She made the same understanding noises as she had back then. Kitty’s eyes were wide and desperate.

 ‘If you say you did, then of course I believe you.’

Kitty dipped her head, her cheeks flushing slightly. ‘Sorry. Just- I did. You don’t need to worry about me.’

They both have really hectic schedules. If I’d remembered to charge my phone, I could have called myself a taxi anyway, it’s no big deal.

 ‘Ok. I understand. I promise I wasn’t trying to imply anything.’ 

I’m sure they’re both very busy. Of course I don’t mind dropping you home Anne, it’s always a pleasure for Cathy and I to have you.

There was a moment's pause and then Catalina took the plunge.

‘Just….as a favour to me…’

‘Yes?’

‘Well, I know you’ve eaten already but I haven’t. And I hate eating alone, it feels so odd and uncomfortable.’ She looked Kitty straight in the eye. ‘I know it’s an imposition, but would you mind terribly joining me?’

Please don't refuse. Please, please.

The girl was shaking very slightly and Catalina couldn’t tell if it was cold, hunger or fear. Or very possibly just all three.

Slowly, she nodded.

‘Alright.’

Catalina could have sunk to the ground in relief.

*

When she came out of the back room with the plate of toast, Kitty was seated at one of the tables, perched on the very edge of the chair and biting her nails. When she saw Catalina she hurriedly returned her hands to her lap.

‘Would you like tea or coffee? Or something cold, like orange juice?’

Kitty shook her head and shrunk back. ‘I’m ok.’

‘Are you sure? Aren’t you thirsty? Just that it’s really important to drink enough…’

Does she even have a water bottle on her? Poor thing must be parched.

‘Maybe just some water then?’

‘Ok.’

Catalina brought out a glass of water, along with a picture of orange juice and two glasses- ‘ Just if you change your mind’ , poured some and made herself swallow it without making a face, thanking God both that she paid enough attention to things to know that the girl liked the cursed stuff AND that Kitty was blissfully unaware of the fact that Catalina hadn’t started her day off with anything other than coffee since the age of eleven.

Catalina took a slice of toast for herself and began to spread it with the for-customer-use-only butter; Kitty reached out a hand and then hesitated. ‘Are you sure? Will there be enough? You really don’t have to-’

‘It’s fine, really.’ Kitty still looked unconvinced and Catalina nudged the plate closer to her. ‘Honestly. The bread’s yesterdays so it’s no good for the cafe, and it won’t be any good at all after today so if we can finish it off between us, it at least won’t go to waste…’

Kitty hesitated. Catalina held her breath…..but eventually she took a slice and dropped it onto her own plate, and then reached slowly for the Nutella.

They ate in silence. Every few bites, Kitty glanced at Catalina’s face, presumably to gauge from her expression whether or not the offer of breakfast was to be rescinded- and every time Catalina made sure to smile and nod. She probably looked like an idiot.

But she’s eating and that’s all the matters.  

She could feel her phone going crazy in her pocket- she already knew Jane was going to kill her for the radio silence later- but she couldn’t bring herself to start texting about the girl while she was sitting in front of her.

After a while Kitty seemed to accept that Catalina wasn’t going to snatch the plate from her, and her dainty bites became more frantic. Catalina wondered when she’d last had a chance to eat as she deliberately nibbled at her own slice, carefully keeping pace so that she wouldn’t finish too quickly.

When there was only one slice of toast left on the plate, Catalina tipped it onto Kitty’s plate and stood up.

‘That’s yours-’

‘Oh no, I-’ Kitty blushes ‘It’s definitely yours, I’ve eaten way more than you.’

‘Mija, honestly-’ Catalina resisted the urge to cup her cheek like she would do for Cathy. Don’t, you’re her boss and it’d probably just make her uncomfortable anyway. ‘It’s ok. If you’re full, of course you don’t have to eat it and I’ll put it on the bird table but if you want it- it’s yours. I just need to make a quick call-’

The colour drained from Kitty’s face and Catalina pretended not to see.

‘-to let Anna know that she needn’t do anything else to the boiler- problem seems to have just about resolved itself overnight- and then I’ll be right back, ok?’

Thank goodness the poor girl has probably got too much on her mind to remember that the boiler has been fine for weeks.

Kitty relaxed slightly, although her face fell a bit too, and Catalina wondered if she should text Anna at some point and ask if she’d drop round, even though there was nothing to fix.

Not that she would- happily, Kitty’s unexpected affinity with the leather-clad, Pinscher-breeding handywoman-and-general-errand-girl had been warmly returned and Catalina had often found herself surprised to hear how different the normally chronically shy and quiet girl sounded when talking to Anna.

 If seeing Anna would help make what seemed to have been a really dreadful night for Kitty a little better, then Catalina decided it was worth it, even if Anna DID make her pay the call out fee.

  I’ll just break something myself if I have to. 

*

Phone in hand, she slipped out of the backdoor. Through the window, she could see if Kitty came after her- not that she’d blame the girl for trying to eavesdrop at a time like this.

The phone had barely had a chance to ring before it was picked up.

‘Catalina! What’s going on?!’

‘Good morning Jane.’

‘What’s going on? Is Kitty hurt? I didn’t realise you even had her scheduled for open up duties at all- won’t it make her late for school?’

Catalina glanced around, terrified that somehow Jane- who was getting just the tiniest bit shrill- would somehow be heard in the cafe.

‘No, I don’t have her on open ups- Jane, she just turned up!’

‘Turned up?’

‘She was just here when I came to unlock.’ She lowered her voice. ‘Jane, from the look of her, you’d think she’s been out all night. Maybe she has-’

‘Hasn’t she told you anything?’

‘No, she’s-’ Catalina hesitated. ‘I haven’t asked her yet, I don’t want to risk her getting worried and going off on her own. I can’t stop her if she does- and I’m worried that something bad has happened.’

‘Well obviously-’

‘You know what I mean. She’s got just the clothes she’s wearing, she hasn’t even got a bag with her.’

‘Where is she now? Can she hear you?’

‘Of course not! No, she doesn’t know I’m calling. I managed to get her to eat some breakfast- I said I had to step out to call Anna about the boiler-’

‘Oh god is it broken again?’

‘Well seeing as I’m calling you and NOT Anna, what odds would you give on that story being true?’

‘Ah. Right.’ Jane sounded slightly embarrassed. ‘It IS barely seven though. Sorry if I’m a bit slow on the uptake.’

‘Fair enough.’

‘So she doesn’t know you’re telling me?’

There wasn’t really any judgement in Jane’s question, Catalina knew that really- she knew Jane was more likely just trying to clarify the situation rather than chide her for insensitivity, but in her caffeine-deprived and extremely stressed state, she could feel herself getting defensive.

‘So what, I should have just dealt with it myself?’

‘Catty-’

‘Or asked her permission and held the door open for her when she panicked and took herself off god knows where? Yes, excellent idea Jane.’

‘Catty!’ 

Catalina fell silent, feeling more than a little like a scolded child. Jane’s voice down the phone was firm, but warm and placating.

‘Of course that’s not what I’m saying. And I definitely didn’t mean to imply you’d done the wrong thing- I’d have done exactly the same thing. I just wanted to check if I needed to come up with a reason to turn up at the cafe, in case Kitty wonders why I’m there so early.’

‘Ah.’ In hindsight Catalina realised that made rather a lot of sense. ‘Sorry Jane. I didn’t mean to snap, just-’

‘I understand.’ She wondered how someone more or less her own age was able to somehow sound so much more mature than she felt. ‘You must be incredibly stressed right now. Have you even had a cup of coffee yet?’

‘Not yet.’

‘Poor thing.’ She could hear Jane smiling down the phone. ‘It’ll be ok. Try not to worry too much. Do whatever you need to do to keep Kitty with you, and I’ll be there as soon as I can.’

‘Thank you Jane.’ Despite the fact that nothing really had changed, Catalina could already feel the weight on her shoulders starting to lift somewhat. Jane made everything feel more manageable.

‘Of course. And Catty?’

‘Yes?’

‘I’m serious. Try not to worry. At least not til I’m there to worry with you. We’ll sort everything out.’

‘What if…’ Catalina bit her lip. ‘What if we can’t?’

‘....Well then we call in Anna-’ 

Despite herself Catalina found herself snorting with laughter. ‘Oh of course. How could I forget that we had our very own Plan B right on speed dial?’

‘Well quite…’ After a second Jane grew serious again. ‘Honestly Catty. I know we might not be able to undo whatever’s happened to the poor girl. But we can offer her help and support, a safe place to sleep, somewhere secure to be during the day if she needs it, food and water. Money, within reason. I think that’s a good start, don’t you? We’ll work out the details when we know more.’

And somehow when she hung up the phone, Catalina did feel better.

We’ve got this. I’ve got this.

*

When she came back to the main room of the cafe, Kitty’s plate was empty. The last of the orange juice was gone. And Kitty herself was asleep, her head pillowed upon her folded arms. Asleep, she looked very young and very small.

Catalina walked with feather-light tread as she gathered up the plates and cups and cleared the table. Then she leant down and gently touched Kitty’s shoulder.

‘Katherine?’

She kept her voice as soft as a whisper- she didn’t want to startle the poor thing but Kitty jerked up suddenly, blinking sleepily.

‘What-?’

‘Why don’t we get you somewhere more comfortable? You’ll get a horribly sore neck if you stay like that.’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realise-’

‘Shhhh-’ Catalina eased arm around her shoulders and helped the girl to her feet. ‘Up you get- There we go….’

‘I didn’t mean to fall asleep-’ Kitty stumbled slightly as Catalina steered her to the sofa in the corner. ‘I’m sorry-’

‘It’s alright, it’s all alright-’

‘I was just so tired-’

‘I know mija. Let’s get you laid down properly so you can be comfy-’

She pressed the girl down onto the couch, arranging cushions for a pillow at her head and lifting her feet up. As gently as she could, she eased Kitty’s shoes off and then tucked the emerald green knitted throw- made by Anne, with Jane’s help, during a fit of creativity born from a passionate desire to do anything other than work on a particularly trying essay- from the back of the couch around her.

‘I need to help you- I’m sorry, I should be helping-’

Catalina gently laid her back down when Kitty tried to sit up again, disoriented and fretful.

‘Shhh, it’s ok. There’s nothing I can’t do by myself easily. You just relax mija. Just sleep. It’s all ok. You’re safe here and it’s all going to be ok.’

‘But I-’

She knelt down so that she was closer to Kitty’s eye level and smoothed her hair away from her face. Kitty’s skin felt very cool and Catalina wondered again how long she’d been waiting outside.

‘Whatever’s happened, whatever's wrong, we’re going to sort it out for you. You’re not alone anymore.’

‘Can’t fix it-’ Kitty’s eyes fixed on hers, struggling to explain through the haze of weariness. ‘He- I- Everything’s gone wrong, everything’s-’

‘Shhhh.’ Catalina continued her ministrations until Kitty fell silent again. ‘I’m sorry to have brought it up mija. We’ll talk about it properly once you’ve got some rest. But right now you’re very tired and you need to get some sleep, ok? Are you warm enough?’

Kitty nodded very slightly.

‘Good. I promise mija, it will all be alright. I’m going to make sure you’re ok.’

‘-so angry-’

It was barely a whisper and Catalina leant forward. ‘What was that?’

‘He was so angry…I don’t want him to cause you trouble too-’

Catalina forced herself not to press for an explanation. ‘You don’t have to worry about that. You’re completely safe mija. No one can get in ok? The door is locked. I have an alarm system. And I’m right here. I won’t let anything happen to you.’

There was no reply, but Kitty let her eyes drift shut again. Once they’d stayed closed for a minute or so and Kitty’s breathing had evened out, Catalina got to her feet. Then she all but tiptoed around the room, turning off as many lights as she could and turning the thermostat up.

In the backroom, she rummaged around until she had retrieved the hot water bottle from what Anne and Cathy insisted on calling The Period Cupboard, dislodging several boxes of painkillers, a box of tampons and a bottle of lucozade (added by Anne with the loud support of Cathy that the period cupboard should sometimes also function as The Hangover cupboard).

Once it was filled, she slipped it under the throw, layered more blankets on top of the girl and then flipped the ‘Open at 9!’ sign over to ‘Sorry- We’re Closed!’

 (‘Do we really need a sign that says Open? Anne had asked her when Catalina had questioned the unconventional choice of signage. ‘Surely when we’re open, people will be able to see that because…..we’ll be open? If they need a sign to tell them that, do you REALLY want them in the cafe? They’ll be the sort of people who can’t figure out how the pull/push door works. Or the ones who get angry about the prices, when the board is right there.’ 

Catalina had disagreed in the strongest and most withering terms- but by then the sign had already been made, and as Anna had put it, ‘Do you really want to waste another £40 getting a fresh sign hand painted just to spite Boleyn?’ 

Catalina had decided that- all things considered, she didn’t- You can’t AFFORD to , Cathy had pointed out helpfully.

 Anne had just smirked.)

Kitty sighed in her sleep, rolling onto her side and curling up into a ball.

Catalina watched her for a moment.

Then she went back to the back room, put on a pot of espresso and flopped down at her desk.

It had been a VERY long morning.

Chapter Text

Jane listened to Catalina panic over the phone, her blouse half unbuttoned, a cup of tea going cold on the nightstand and Smokey mewing at her feet, obviously put out at being ignored.

Then she hung up the phone, stood up and went into the bathroom.

She felt quite a lot like she might throw up.

She didn’t. Thankfully. That would have really ruined the morning, she knew- not only because it would have made her late and she could tell that Catalina was only just about holding it together) but also she knew from experience that doing so would have brought back certain memories that, in the interests of efficiency, she normally kept firmly stowed at the back of her mind.

The nausea passed after a few minutes and Jane returned to her normal morning routine, quietly grateful that she wouldn’t have to spend the day explaining away swollen eyes and fending off Catalina’s concern.

She finished doing up the buttons of her shirt and put an extra banana in her bag for a mid morning snack. She felt like she was going to need it- although she also knew the likelihood that she would actually get around to eating it was rather precarious: she could tell already that it was going to be one of those days.

Smokey eyed her beadily from his place on top of the laundry hamper as she closed and locked the door behind her.

When she arrived at the cafe, Catalina was on her before the door was even fully closed behind her.

‘Jane! Thank god!’

She could tell from the residual smell of it that the woman had had a cigarette or two before she arrived but she didn’t scold her for it- if Catalina could ever be forgiven for stress smoking, she decided, it was now.

‘How is she doing?’

Catalina nodded towards the door that leads from the back room and kitchen to the cafe itself- unusually, there was no light coming through the door's window.

‘Sleeping. Since just after I called. I thought it was best to let the poor little thing get some rest- she looked absolutely worn out, and hopefully she’ll be a bit more up to questions when she wakes up. I’ve been checking on her every so often but she hasn’t so much as stirred.’

‘Has she said anything yet?’

Catalina shook her head. ‘Not a word- she didn’t even put up much of a fight when I got her settled, I don’t think she had it in her.’ She paused. ‘Actually, no- she did, now you mention it. Something about someone being angry- a man or boy, she said he.’

‘Did she say who?’

‘No, I get the impression she’s pretty wary of whoever it is though, she said she didn’t want him causing trouble here. Here’s to hoping he doesn’t.’

Jane frowned. ‘Her boyfriend? Her father? Another relative? Do we know ANYTHING about her homelife?’

‘Not a thing.’ Catalina sighed. ‘I wish to god now that I’d made more of an effort to ask but of course you never think to-’

Jane put a hand on her arm. ‘Don’t blame yourself. I don’t think she’d have told you anything if you’d tried, I’ve seen how close lipped she is around you. If anything, it should have been on me. I’m impressed you managed to get her to sleep actually, she can’t be as afraid of you as she seems!’

‘Or she had nowhere else to go and was just too tired to be awake any longer.’

Both women looked at one another sadly.

‘Ok game plan? If she’s as skittish as you said, it’s going to be tricky-’

‘You said it. I’m hoping it’ll be easier now actually- it’s not like she can go on pretending everything is fine anymore, so we can be a bit more honest. You should have heard me getting her to eat, I felt like I was in a hostage negotiation.’ Jane raised an amused eyebrow. ‘I’d really like her to be able to sleep til she wakes up on her own, if we can.’

‘Yes I agree. What do you think, closed until further notice?’

Catalina nodded. ‘Absolutely. I’ll let Anne and Cathy know not to worry about coming in- I don’t think they’re scheduled but just in case they were thinking of popping in… I’m going to ask Anna if she’ll come by though.’

‘I thought you said the boiler was fine.’

‘Not for that, just-’ Catalina gestured ‘For Kittys sake. You know how much she likes Anna. I’m hoping it might help her open up, if she won’t for us. And even if she doesn’t, it should cheer her up at least.’

‘That’s a good idea.’ Jane paused. ‘How do you want to go about….well, actually bringing up what’s going on?’

Catalina shrugged. ‘I’ve been thinking- I suppose just give her time to wake up, hope that she talks to us first-’

‘And if she doesn’t?’

‘Ask her. I think it should be you, not me if possible, since she’s definitely more comfortable talking to you. She’s not a child- she should understand that we really do need to know that she’s ok.’

‘That’s the thing-’ Jane bit her lip. ‘She isn’t a child is she? If she doesn’t want to tell us anything, it’s not like we can make her.’

Catalina sighed. ‘We’ll just have to try.’ 

*

When they next peeked back into the cafe, Kitty wass stirring- she pushed herself up into a sitting position, swung her legs off the sofa, and sat up, rubbing her eyes and still tangled in blankets.

There was some colour in her cheeks, Jane noted- not a lot, but still, and she wasn’t shivering any more. Still, she reflected- if that was Kitty now, after sleep and a meal, then goodness knows what state she had been in when she arrived.

‘Jane?’

Catalina hung back like they’ve agreed- she squeezed Jane’s arm encouragingly. 

Ok, go.

‘Hello love.’ Jane smiled as reassuringly as she could. ‘You weren’t asleep very long- aren’t you still tired? You can go back to sleep if you like-’

Kitty shook her head resolutely. ‘I’m ok. When did you get here?’

‘Not very long ago.’

Kitty smiled sheepishly. ‘I was meant to help Catalina open up- I don’t think I was much help.’

‘I’m sure she doesn’t mind love. She said you looked absolutely worn out.’

Kitty bit her lip and an awkward silence fell between them.

Jane glanced back at where Catalina was hovering just behind the kitchen door- Catty, help - and Catalina entered, trying to look as if everything was normal.

‘Did you sleep ok mija?’

Kitty nodded and kept her eyes on her bitten nails- Jane thought that if Catalina hadn’t told her otherwise, she’d never have believed that Kitty had let the same woman she wouldn’t even look in the eye tuck her into bed and soothe her to sleep less than two hours ago.

Catalina took a deep breath. It was time, she knew they couldn’t sidestep with questions any more and as much as a tiny bit of her hoped that Kitty would realise that they were waiting for an explanation any moment and give it to them, a bigger part of her knew that it was futile.

‘Kitty- we need to ask- are you alright?’

The girl nodded easily. ‘I’m ok. Just- tired, you know.’

‘Ok.’ Another pause.

Jane broke in. ‘I think what Catalina is asking love is….what happened?’

Kitty blinked at them. ‘Nothing. I told Catalina- I woke up early. So I thought I’d come and offer help.’

Catalina and Jane exchanged glances- clearly Kitty wasn’t planning on making this easy.

‘Mija you were here just after 6. That’s more than waking up early.’

Kitty stared back at her, with just a hint of defiance in how she met Catalina’s eye.

‘And you don’t have anything with you- no bag, no coat.’

‘I forgot them.’

‘Kitty!’

‘What?’

Were Cathy and Anne this stubborn, this infuriating? The answer was there before she could even finish the question: Yes. Probably worse. I’m just out of practise.

‘Love we just want to help.’

Kitty smiled slightly at Jane. ‘I know- you’re both really nice and everything. I just…. I don’t know what to tell you, I’m fine. I just thought I’d stop off before school- but I didn’t mean to worry you. I’m sorry, I won’t do it again-’

‘No-’

‘Mija that’s not-’

Kitty shrugged. ‘I promise. I’m ok. It’s just been a bit of a weird start. Anyway, I should get to school before I’m late-’

‘Love you don’t even have your uniform- and what about your school books?’

Kitty looked at Jane wirth amusement. ‘I don’t have like a satchel or anything- I can borrow a pen from my friend and it’s not like most people bother to wear the uniform anyway, so I’ll blend right in-’

She stood as if to go and Catalina stood up too. ‘Kitty you’re not ok. And we have a responsibility- I don’t feel like I can just let you go back to- to whatever is happening-’

Kitty glared at her, obviously irritated- and Catalina realised that this was the first time she’d ever seen Kitty look anything other than almost painfully eager to please. ‘Nothing is happening ok?’ She paused. ‘Look like I said you're both really nice- but you’re not my M- You’re not, like, related to me or a teacher or anyone. You don’t have any responsibility over me- and you can’t stop me leaving if I want to go.’ She turns to Jane. ‘I'm right aren’t I Jane? You can’t keep me here can you? It’s not like you can lock me in or anything.’

Catalina and Jane exchanged helpless glances, neither knowing how to respond. This was not how either of them had imagined it going.

 In the face of their obvious powerlessness, Kitty seemed to calm down a bit. She bit her lip, some of her old uncertainty returning. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude or anything. Just- I do need to go to school. Honestly. I’ll get into trouble if I’m late- you get a detention right off now, even if it’s your first time. Please.’

‘Ok.’ Catalina couldn’t think of anything else to say. ‘You can go to school but-’ She wasn’t sure how to finish it.

Jane touched Kitty’s arm gently. ‘Ok love. If you really need to be off, then we understand. And we don’t want to make you uncomfortable- but you know we're here for you right? If you need anything?’

Kitty nodded. ‘Sure. But really I’m ok. I just need to wash my face and then I’ll be out of your hair-’

Watching her walk away Catalina couldn’t help but try one more time. Were they really going to let her turn up like that and then just….disappear?  ‘Are you sure you’re ok Kitty? Do you need lunch money?’

Kitty shook her head wordlessly and started to make her way to the back of the shop.

Catalina’s mind was whirring, she felt desperate. ‘Are you sure? Or a coat or- or-’

‘No!’ Kitty whirled on her, looking irritated again. ‘No! God! Just- please Catalina leave it. I am FINE ok? Fine! And even if I’m not, it is NOT your responsibility. Ok?’

Catalina nodded slightly, biting down so hard on her tongue to keep herself from saying anything else that she could taste blood. Jane put a steadying hand on her arm and Kitty stalked off to the bathroom, scowling.

The door slammed behind her.

Chapter Text

The cafe rang with silence as Kitty slammed the bathroom door behind her and Catalina let out a laugh that was only very slightly shaky.

(Slammed doors hardly bothered her at all now.)  

‘Well, that went well.’

‘Yes.’ Jane rubbed her forehead tiredly and sighed. ‘How on earth did we manage to get from there to here in such a short space of time?’

Catalina snorted. ‘How did I manage to, you mean. If I could have just kept my mouth shut-’

‘Hey-’ Jane shook her head and put a grounding hand gently on her arm. ‘Come on Catty, you know she was dead against telling us anything from the start.’

‘I know. But if I hadn’t keep asking-’

‘Then I would have just asked exactly the same things you did. We had to, it would have been negligent to just go along with it and let her go without a word, we had to at least TRY.’ 

Catalina couldn’t help but think that Jane would have sounded more reassuring if it hadn’t sounded so much like she was trying to convince herself too.

‘I know.’

They both fell silent and Jane bit her lip.

‘What now?’

Catalina shook her head. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Is there ANYONE we can call?’

‘Not that I have a number for.’

‘What about that new-starter form thing, doesn’t that have a next-of-kin section?’

Catalina felt her face flush slightly, like a child about to be scolded- she resisted the urge to shut her eyes to avoid seeing Jane’s expression. ‘Haven’t had time to go through it with her yet.’ Jane’s little sigh of disappointment somehow sounded louder than it could possibly have been. ‘I kept meaning to and forgetting and I KNOW I should have just given it to her on her first shift but it was so busy and there was always something else more urgent-’

‘It’s ok.’ Now it was Jane’s turn to look slightly embarrassed. ‘I should have- I mean, I could have-’

‘We were both busy.’ With effort, Catalina held back the over-effusive reassurances on the tip of her tongue- It’s my job, I never expected you to, it’s not your responsibility - and Jane shot her a quick, grateful glance.

‘I was thinking I’d like to call her school- I think I recognise the school logo from her blazer-and ask if they know what’s going on but also-’

‘Also you’d rather not completely alienate the poor girl from the one place she feels safe enough to come to? Yeah.’

‘Felt.’

‘Hm?’

‘Felt. I feel like we’ve sort of ruined things now.’ She knew she was being unhelpful but she felt so miserable with how things had turned out she couldn’t help it. ‘I can’t see her turning to us again any time soon, can you?’

Jane bit her lip. ‘Perhaps. Although perhaps not. Maybe we just need to wait and see-’

‘But if it DOES turn out she doesn’t feel comfortable coming to us, is she just going to… I don’t know, wander the streets in the meantime?’

‘What if we let her know before she leaves that we won’t pry IF she promises to still come here if she needs to…’

‘But how can we promise that?’

‘Then at least she still has a safe space to come to, if she needs it!’

‘That’s the problem-’ Catalina wanted to throw up her hands in exasperation. ‘If she won’t even admit that she does need somewhere safe in the first place….and if we just act like everything is fine and let….well, whatever’s going on just continue, then what happens when it gets worse? Or something else happens or-’

‘So we should just push her and push her until she shuts us out too and ends up with nowhere to go?’

They glared at one another for a moment, their blood and words buzzing in the otherwise silent cafe. Then Jane looked away and Catalina sagged in defeat.

‘I don’t know. Honestly Jane I have no idea what to do now and-’

‘I know. Me neither. I’m sorry Catty, I wasn’t blaming you-’

‘I know. I’m sorry.’ There was a pause. ‘....What now?’

Jane brushed a hand across her eyes. ‘I don’t know.’

Catalina wrapped an arm around her shoulders and Jane leant into her for a second. ‘Me neither. Let’s just wait and see how she is when she comes out. I think we should try one last time though, if we can.’

Jane opened her mouth as if to argue and then shrugged. ‘Ok. I suppose we might as well try.’

‘Ok. Now- tea?’

‘Isn’t that my line?’

‘I’ve picked up many things from you, you know. One being the belief that tea fixes everything. Maybe we can get her to accept a hot drink before she leaves at least- keep her warm on the way to school.’

‘.....It doesn’t feel like much, does it?’

‘No. But if it’s all she’ll agree to, I’ll take it.’

‘Me too.’

Jane gave a small, sad smile and Catalina squeezed her hand. Then she went to put the kettle on.

*

When she came back with the tray, Jane was looking concerned.

‘Do you think she’s ok? She’s been in there for a while- you don’t suppose she’s fainted, do you?

Catalina shook her head. ‘We’d have heard… And she was tired and hungry, she’s not ill. I don’t think.’

‘Still-’ Jane stood up. ‘I’m going to check on her.’

‘Are you sure? She might just need a minute.’

‘And if she does, that’s fine but if not-’ 

Despite herself Catalina found she couldn’t argue too much- she’d been a grateful beneficent of Jane’s inability to ignore even the most well hidden distress too many times in the past. Still, she couldn’t help but feel slightly awkward as she followed Jane to the door….and then they both froze.

 From within, came the sound of muffled but audible sobbing.

‘Kitty?’

There was a choking sound, the sound of someone trying frantically to cut themselves off- and then the sobbing resumed.

‘Mija are you alright?’

No response. 

Catalina cleared her throat. ‘It’s ok if you want to be left alone mija, we understand- but we do need to know if you’re alright, if you’re hurt ok? Can you just let us know that you’re alright? You don’t have to come out until you’re ready but we need to know you’re safe.’

Jane, at her elbow, nodded to no one. Catalina wondered if it was odd for her to hear her own words repeated- although this was scarcely the first time. Jane had even had them directed AT her a time or two. Still, Catalina still thought of them as Jane’s words- the first person who’d ever taken a locked door as something other than a show of defiance or a challenge to be overcome, the first person to ever make it clear that it was her well being and sense of security and autonomy (rather than civility, duty or politeness) that came first.

It had helped her the first time she’d heard it- during a really not-at-all-serious fit of melancholy during a university night out- and she’d been grateful for it then, and she’d continued to be grateful for it many times since, throughout Cathy’s childhood and adolescence and beyond, every time she herself was able to reach back and grab onto the same words when it was her on the wrong side of a locked door.

She was grateful for it now.

There was a long, tense pause- and then the door opened a crack.

Kitty’s face- tearstained and swollen and utterly woebegone- broke Catalina’s heart so thoroughly and immediately that she had to fight the urge to scoop the girl into her arms right there. Only Jane’s presence held her back.

‘Sweetheart-’ Jane looked like she was having to fight the same impulse, from the way she reached out as if to touch her and then stopped. ‘Whatever’s the matter? Are you poorly?’

Kitty’s face worked silently for a moment as she fought to control herself and then crumpled again- her answer was so choked by sobs that Catalina couldn’t make out a word of it, but somehow Jane appeared to be listening, her face creased in sympathy.

‘Oh Kit it’s ok-’

Kitty shook her head and whimpered something else, scrubbing her face with the sleeve of her blazer as fresh tears welled in her eyes.

‘Come here love.’

Jane reached out and drew Kitty gently into her arms- and as much as Catalina could see that the girl's mood had changed somewhat in the last ten minutes, she still held her breath, half expected Kitty to push Jane away. 

Instead, Kitty melted into Jane’s embrace willingly. Jane held her tightly, one hand rubbing up and down her shaking shoulders soothingly- and then she turned to Catalina, a tinge of impatience in her voice. 

‘Go on then!’

‘Hm?’

‘Go grab something for her? And maybe some painkillers too-’

‘What?’ Catalina felt thoroughly wrongfooted; Jane mouthed something that she couldn’t make out. ‘ What ?’

Jane took a deep breath, determinedly patient. ‘Catalina can you please go grab a pad or a tampon- do you have a preference, sweetheart? - could you please go and grab a tampon for Kitty out of the Period Cupboard?’

Catalina could have kicked herself- she wanted to offer an explanation but their attention was no longer on her: Jane was handing Kitty tissues, Kitty was sniffling and looking as if she wanted to sink through the floor. She sped to the cupboard and back again, and then she and Jane returned to the main cafe as Kitty relocked the door firmly behind her.

The minute they were away from the bathroom Jane gave a little laugh. ‘Oh Catty your face- I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look more confused- Sorry, it isn’t funny I know but-’

‘How on earth could you understand her?’ Catalina was baffled. ‘Honestly, I couldn’t make out a word-’

Jane shrugged. ‘No idea. One of my many talents I guess…’ Her expression sobered. ‘God though, poor little thing…’

‘Is it-’ Catalina felt slightly awkward asking but couldn’t help herself. ‘Is it- was it- her first? Does she know what’s happening, do we need to-’

Jane laughed again. ‘Are you worried you’ll have to give her The Talk? No, Catty she’s sixteen, I think she’s pretty much used to it by now.’

‘Then why-’

‘Because she didn’t have anything and she was embarrassed-’ Jane’s smile faded. ‘God, I feel sorry for her…. I think it was just one more thing than she could cope with right now, you know?’

Catalina nodded slowly. ‘That makes sense… Sorry, I know it was a stupid question but- Well, it comes as a shock sometimes! Madre didn’t breathe a word to me about it until it happened. Thought I was dying until my friend’s Mum put me straight that I wasn’t about to bleed to death in their bathroom…which was quite an awkward conversation for both of us. The friendship never really did recover from it…’

Jane tsked sympathetically. ‘At least it would have stopped you making the same mistake with Cathy-’

‘Are you joking?’ Catalina rolled her eyes. ‘Cathy had it all read, researched, all sussed out by the time she was ten. She copied out the diagrams from the library books for goodness sake! I didn’t need to tell her anything- I sat her down for what I thought was going to be a bonding talk about womanhood, godmother to goddaughter, and ended up being told all about ocular vicarious menstruation-’

‘What?’

‘Ocular vicarious menstruation, it’s when-’

‘Ocular- but that makes it sound like you bleed from your- Oh my GOD!’

Catalina nodded grimly. ‘Yep. That was pretty much my reaction too. Cathy didn’t get what my problem was, she thought it was the most interesting thing ever…’

Jane smiled fondly. ‘She really DOES manage to find out the oddest things, doesn’t she? She’s lucky to have had you to encourage her all these years…. Still-’ Her smile faded. ‘I somehow don’t think Kitty’s been quite as lucky herself…’

Catalina returned herself to the issue at hand. ‘Probably not. Even if it’s not her first though, is she ok? Is she in pain?’

Jane shook her head. ‘I’m not sure. Maybe. I was going to offer her something when she-’

They both broke off: Kitty emerged from the bathroom, calmer but still tearstained, and blushing furiously. She didn’t look at either of them but- Catalina thought- she also didn’t look like she was about to rush out of the door either.

She hovered awkwardly, head down and fingers twisting anxiously- and Jane and Catalina hovered too. The silence stretched out long and longer, excruciatingly- and all at once, Catalina realised that unless she did something, there was every chance they were all going to remain like that for some time.

It was time for drastic action- plunging ahead, she grabbed Jane, pushed her in the direction of one of the sofas and then gestured to Kitty.

‘The kettle’s boiled- I’m going to make us all a nice cup of tea. Why don’t you two sit down? Jane, you can tell Kitty about the Period Cupboard for- for next time. If there is one.’

She didn’t wait long enough to see if they obeyed her, just whisked herself into the kitchen, hoping to God that they all ignored the fresh pot of tea and clean cups still very obviously on display.

Oh well. It was her cafe- half of it, at least. She could waste as much tea as she wanted.

Half way through boiling the kettle, it occurred to her to wonder whether Kitty actually wanted tea at all. Did she even like it? A memory flashed- Kitty awkwardly trying to pay for a hot chocolate to take home at the end of her shift, counting out the coins on the counter and then hurriedly stuffing them back into her pocket with flushed cheeks when Anne laughed and asked why on earth she was trying to pay for it?

At the time, she’d aimed a light cuff at Anne, reminding her that while SHE might blatantly abuse the perks of the job, she’d do well to remember that not everyone was as presumptuous as her. Anne, not at all chastened, had just laughed and gone back to clearing tables- Kitty though had blushed and then sidled up to her office a few minutes later to quietly offer the money again.

‘I’m not trying to take advantage- and really I don’t mind paying.’

Catalina had wanted to cry; instead, she’d just made her voice as gentle as possible. 

‘There’s no need mija, no need at all. I was only joking- Anne knows that too. And she definitely didn’t mean to make you feel embarrassed. I’m absolutely happy for you all to make yourselves a drink when you want one- there’s no need to pay.’

‘But-’

She’d folded Kitty’s fingers back over the proffered coins- ‘Honestly, keep it. Please.’- and eventually Kitty had returned the money to her pocket with a sheepish thank you.

She set to work making a hot chocolate.

*

When she came back to the sofa with the steaming mug, Kitty broke off from whatever she was saying to let her eyes follow it.

‘That looks lovely. Like it’s from an Insta post or something.’

Catalina put the mug in front of her. Kitty looked at her uncertainly but didn’t touch it. She turned back to Jane as if to continue her conversation but Jane was still staring at the mug.

‘Are you sure you used quite enough chocolate sprinkles?’

Catalina tossed her head. ‘Quite enough, thank you Jane.’ She did wonder though if perhaps adding a flake had been too much- but the urge to do anything at all to help make Kitty smile had been pretty damn overpowering.

Her confidence wavered slightly when Kitty didn’t touch it. 

‘It is ok mija?’

Kitty looked confused. ‘Um. Yes? It looks really nice-’

Catalina waited but she still didn’t reach for it. She wondered if she HAD gone overboard after all- perhaps it was too sweet for so early in the morning. ‘Is it too much? I can make you a plainer one if you prefer, I just thought-’

Kitty blinked. ‘-You don’t have to give me your drink-’

‘I made it for you, mija. It’s yours.’

Kitty looked taken aback. ‘Really?’

Catalina nodded. ‘I only really drink tea or coffee- I don’t have a big sweet tooth. But I thought you could do with something nice-’

Kitty hesitated….and then ducked her head shyly and reached for the mug and sipped from it tentatively. ‘Thank you.’

Jane shot her a questioning look and mouthed ‘Your mug?!’ over Kitty’s head; Catalina ignored her. She really hoped Jane would wait at least until the current crisis was over to remind her of the fuss she’d made when Cathy had used her mug to make a drink for Anna.

With every sip, Kitty sunk deeper into the sofa cushions- by the time the mug was a quarter empty, Kitty had stopped looking as if she might bolt at any moment and Catalina decided it was safe to talk.

She cleared her throat. ‘Are you….feeling a bit better mija?’ 

Kitty nodded, blushing again. ‘I’m really sorry I made such a fuss, it’s so stupid-’ She hesitated. ‘I don’t normally react like that…’

‘That’s ok. Just one too many things to have to deal with?’

Kitty nodded gratefully. ‘I….just panicked I think.’

‘Didn’t anyone tell you about the Period Cupboard before?’ Catalina leant forward. ‘I’m so sorry mija, I just assumed someone had, although I should have done it myself- I just forgot-’

(It was only half a lie: Catalina had decided that Kitty didn’t NEED to undergo the awkwardness of discussing periods with her much older employer on her first day and that Cathy or Anne could make themselves useful and do it instead.)

Kitty shook her head. ‘They- they did…..They both did. AND Anna too.’ She chewed miserably on her lower lip. ‘I just….forgot. Somehow. I-’ She raised her head, her eyes shiny again. ‘I’m really sorry I made such a fuss, you must think I’m so stupid-’

‘Not at all!’

‘Of course not!’

‘But-’

‘Love-’ Jane shifted slightly to face her and put a hand over one of Kitty’s- thankfully, she didn’t pull away. ‘Neither of us think you’re stupid, I promise. I think you’ve just had a- a very long and hard night, you’re very tired and goodness knows, your hormones going wild doesn’t make things easier.’

Kitty sniffed and nodded.

Catalina pulled her chair closer. ‘You haven’t been here long enough to see us all at our own time of the month but I promise you mija, you’ll be a lot less hard on yourself when you have-’

‘Cathy once tipped a whole customer's order into the bin, plate, cutlery, everything, because they kept finding fault with it-’ Jane chipped in. ‘I think she just snapped. Anna once started crying because she saw a dog that reminded her of Axel as a puppy- that was her dog before Clovis- and it sent her over the edge...’

A tiny smile played on Kitty’s lips. ‘Really?’

‘Oh yes. Catalina once-’

‘Oh Jane no-’

‘-got really angry and stressed and-’

‘Jane-’

‘Come on Catty, you know it’s a funny story- and I’d taken her mug for a drink just because I couldn’t be bothered to wash mine up, and she just glared at me til I’d finished, then took it off me rather firmly and went to wash it up really pointedly- except she was so forceful, the handle broke off and she reacted as if someone was dead, she was nearly crying-’

‘Jane Seymour, you are dead to me.’

‘Anna fixed it in the end. See where the handle is glued on?’ Jane showed Kitty the thin crack in the yellow glaze and Kitty widened her eyes.

‘I’m sorry! I didn’t know this was yours, I-’

Catalina shook her head. ‘It’s ok mija- I made it FOR you. That’s different to just having it wantonly stolen .’ She shot a glare at Jane, who pretended not to notice. ‘Besides, it didn’t seem as nice to give you a cafe mug. You’re one of us, not a customer.’

She hadn’t even intended it to be a particular compliment, more a statement of fact….but she also hadn’t expected Kitty’s face to crumple again.

‘Mija?’

You’re both being so nice to me and I- I was really- Jane, Catalina, I’m so sorry-’

‘It’s alright-’

‘Love, it’s ok-’

Jane gently took Kitty’s mug from her, deposited on the table and then drew Kitty into her arms again.

‘You’re having a really hard time. Of course we understand- it must be very difficult.’

Kitty nodded and sniffed; Catalina fetched the box of tissues from under the counter and placed them at her elbow.

‘We don’t want to pry….but don’t you think you could tell us a little bit about what’s going on? We want to help if we can- but Kitty, it’s up to you to decide what you want to accept. We’ll respect it- I promise we’re not trying to- to trample over you.’

Kitty seemed to consider it, as she wiped her eyes. ‘Thanks. Sorry- just….it can get so difficult and complicated. When people want to help. You know?’

They both nodded, although Kitty didn’t look as if she exactly believed them. Catalina wondered if she should say more- explain that she too had run the gauntlet of well meaning questions that pressed a little too close to home- Where did you get that bruise? Well, why can’t you come? Why didn’t you call last night?- and the inevitable fall out, the cringing anxiety in her stomach when people would nod decisively and announce their intention to Have a stern word with him on your behalf , the irritatingly self congratulatory Well no one treats my friend like that and gets away with it!

(He did. And he would. She always took especial trouble to hide the results of their stern word - they didn’t need to know they were making it worse.)

She didn’t- Kitty didn’t need the burden of her problems too- but Jane shot her a questioning glance- Are you alright?- and she nodded slightly. I’m ok, I’m fine.

(It wasn’t a lie. She would be.)

‘It was why I-’ Kitty broke off. ‘When you asked about dinner money? Sorry, I know you meant it nicely but people used to ask it all the time in Primary whether we’d eaten breakfast and it was so annoying because that wasn’t even a problem, you know? Sometimes I just wasn’t hungry but then they’d turn it into a big Thing and I’d get into trouble at home for telling tales and the school got cross with me too for not saying that I just hadn’t wanted anything and….it was just exhausting. People take things the wrong way sometimes and I just… it gets a bit wearing, you know?’

Jane nodded reassuringly. ‘I understand love. At least- not exactly the same situation but I understand people trying to help and making it worse.’ Catalina wondered if she’d say any more but instead Jane seemed to change the subject entirely. ‘Have you noticed that I don’t often label the cakes that I make?’ Kitty shook her head. ‘Or that I don’t often work the till or write out the specials board?’

Kitty looked confused. ‘No. But- well, you do the cakes- that’s the main thing. AND you come up with the puns for the names- you and Cathy. So why would you do the other stuff? You’re too busy’

Jane smiled. ‘That’s very sweet of you love. But really- it’s not that I’m busy. I’m quite severely dyslexic- you’ve heard of that, haven’t you?’

Kitty nodded. ‘Yeah. They kept reminding us about it at school and the teachers at secondary kept asking if I had it because my handwriting was awful. I wasn’t, I just had really crap- I mean, bad handwriting.’ 

Jane stifled a smile. ‘Well when I was at school, it wasn’t recognised. They just thought I was being deliberately lazy- or slow.’ She paused for a second and then gave a tiny shake of her head: Catalina imagined, as she always did, the unwanted memories tumbling down Jane’s shoulders and then wondered if she had a tic of her own. Probably. More importantly, did Kitty? ‘Anyway, it’s still something I struggle with now and….well shall we just say I’ve had my share of well meaning people trying to fix everything for me. So I do understand love.’

‘How?’ Kitty looked intrigued. ‘When you were my age do you mean or-?’ 

Jane nodded. ‘When I was your age, I still thought I was just slow. Things did get easier in lots of ways with a diagnosis….but no, the help was more after I became an adult.’

‘Like what?’

‘Oh all sorts. In my first job, when I was at university- people who I’d told insisting I do as much reading and writing as possible- so giving me all the tasks where that was a major part of it- in order to help me practise as they so kindly put it- even when I explained that it wouldn’t actually help. Or trying to boost my confidence, whatever that meant, by giving exaggerated praise every time I read anything at all, even though I kept telling them I wasn’t entirely illiterate Anyway-’ Jane squeezed Kitty’s hand comfortingly. ‘I just wanted you to know that I do understand a little of where you’re coming from, even though it’s not exactly the same. And we’d never hold you being reluctant to accept help against you.’

‘Thank you-’

‘Saying that-’ Jane went on ‘I have to be honest- Kitty, clearly something has happened. And we’re both worried. And I do think that we could help- not to fix it-’ As Kitty opened her mouth to speak ‘But just to help.’

‘How?’ Kitty didn’t look angry but she did look disbelieving. ‘How?’

‘Well-’ Catalina felt like she should say something. ‘Like how about this morning? I can’t say how glad I am that you felt able to come to us mija-’

Kitty blushed. ‘You were the only place that would be open, I thought. And I didn’t have any money so I couldn't just go into a Mcdonalds or anything-’

Catalina nodded, doing her best to hide her disappointment that they really had been a last resort. ‘Well, whatever the reason- we can at least give you somewhere that’s warm and inside to be, where you don’t have to spend money. And where you’ll be able to have something to eat and drink-’ Kitty opened her mouth. ‘-just like the rest of us do when we get hungry or miss breakfast. We have a phone you can use if you need it...doesn’t that sound worth something?’

‘So I don't have to tell you anything then. I could just keep on coming here.’ Kitty eyed her challengingly and Catalina nodded wearily. 

‘Of course you don’t have to. But...look I’m not trying to trap you. We just want you to be safe. And you’re right, you don't actually have to tell us anything at all.’ 

It felt like a gamble- and she wondered, as she said it, whether she was going too far, and whether doing so would actually make the girl feel overly comfortable with keeping secrets...but Jane, when she glanced at her, gave her a slight nod of encouragement.

‘But I hope you know that if you do want to….we’re here. And we’re listening- without judgement or pressure, alright? If and when you’re ever ready.’

Kitty blinked hard. ‘Thank you. That’s….that’s really nice of you. I-’ She hesitated. ‘It feels stupid to tell you now because it’s been so built up and I really never meant it to be, you know?’

‘We understand love.’ Jane smiled encouragingly but Kitty went silent anyway, looking at the floor and biting her thumb nail as if struggling with something.

 Catalina found she was holding her breath- and then Kitty looked up at them decisively. ‘ I just…..I don’t get on all that well with my parents you know?’

Chapter Text

Catalina found she was holding her breath- and then Kitty looked up at them decisively. ‘ I just…..I don’t get on all that well with my parents you know?’

Both Catalina and Jane nodded and Kitty carried on, her hands twisting anxiously in her lap.

‘They’re quite...they don’t- they don’t really like how I do some things, the sort of choices I make? They’re really, really protective. Like they want me to be a little girl forever, just want me to stay safe at home with them and never do anything. They want to know where I am ALL the time, they worry about me SO much, I can barely go to school with them fretting. They just...they think I’m too young for everything, that I need to be looked after. So they get cross when I want to go out, they don’t even like me having a job because they say that they’ll just buy me whatever I want anyway so why do I need to make my own money….’

She bit her lip.

‘And last night- oh god it was so stupid, and we’ve had the same argument before but it’s never gotten this bad….last night they got really angry because I’d come in a bit later than normal because the bus broke down and then I got annoyed because it seems like they’re always on my case….And I got cross...and then he got cross- well, crosser. And in the end-’ 

She gulped. ‘He said- he said if i wanted to act like a whore that was my business and-’ Her face crumpled. ‘Not to do it under his roof and if I wanted to go out and infect myself and end up a- a syphilitic slut living under a bridge then to go right ahead…’ 

Jane gave a sharp intake of breath but Catalina kept her voice and face as still as she could. 

Don’t make her worry that she’s shocking you, don’t think that by being horrified on her behalf you’re doing anything other than making her self conscious.

She’d heard similar things before but somehow hearing them second hand was almost harder now than it had been when they’d been directed at her.

‘Was this your dad mija?’

Kitty nodded quickly, and a tear spilled down her cheek. ‘I didn't have my coat- he just pushed me out of the door and- and I started walking because I thought, well if I stay and bang on the door or make a scene, it’ll make it worse, you know? I thought I might wake everyone up and then he’d be even crosser. Although I dont know how it could have been worse...and then later I felt so stupid because maybe he’d have let me in if I’d just stayed and by walking away, maybe it was sort of my fault because I was going along with it...maybe he only meant to shut me out for a minute or two and then he’d have let me back….but I went off and then, when I went back the house was dark- he must have gone to sleep!’ 

‘Your mum too?’

Tears were spilling openly down Kitty’s cheeks now- she didn’t answer but Catalina assumed it was negative. It must be hard to have to admit that your own mother didn’t care enough to wait up for you….

 ‘And it was so so cold- and I hadn’t even thought to grab anything and I could have done, then I could have called someone or, or gone inside a pub or something, if I hadn’t been so stupid -’

Jane looked confused. ‘But you’re under age love, surely a pub would-’

Kitty gave a small smile, with only a hint of pity. ‘They never check i.d, only if you go somewhere really stupid and obvious….Not that I’ve ever done that of course…’ She added hurriedly. 

The tiny, tiny part of Catalina’s brain that wasn’t entirely consumed by worry and rage wondered vaguely if the same pubs that Kitty never went into were the same pubs that Cathy and Anne had used to never go into, Catty, we swear!..... and decided not to ask. She didn’t want to give the girl ideas.

‘What did you do then love?’

Kitty shrugged. ‘Walked around mostly. I sat down sometimes because I’d get tired….but then I’d get cold so I’d try to walk to warm myself up….and once when I sat down, some guy tried to talk to me- he was really drunk so I don’t think he could have done anything but it freaked me out you know?’

They nodded. 

‘And I was so cold, and so tired...and I didnt want to go to anyone’s house to disturb them, because it wasn't even like I could call first…. then I thought about coming here. So I did.’

‘Oh sweetheart-’

Kitty buried her face in her hands- Jane wrapped an arm around her shoulders and after a moment, Catalina moved to her other side and did the same. She half wondered if Kitty would flinch away- but she almost seemed to lean into Catalina’s touch.

‘That must have all been very scary for you mija.’

‘It was-’ Kitty gulped. ‘He was so angry. Like so angry and-’

‘I’m sorry love.’ Jane handed her a handful of Kleenex. ‘You didn’t deserve that at all.’

Kitty nodded- too easily, Catalina thought. Then again, how long did it take me to accept the same thing?

After a few minutes, Kitty sat up again and took another tissue. ‘God I’m sorry- I’ve cried all over you and it’s not even midday-’ 

Jane shook her head. ‘You don’t have anything to be sorry for. You’ve had a very hard time.’

‘But I-’

‘No mija. You’ve been very brave through a horrible experience. And it can’t have been easy to tell us, but we’re so pleased-’

‘Very pleased-’

‘-so very pleased that you did.’

‘Thank you..’ Kitty looked away, as if the praise made her uncomfortable….and Catalina couldn’t blame her. Being praised for your honesty when the truth was so very awful was hardly something they could expect the girl to be happy about. 

There was a pause- Catalina glanced at Jane who was looking every bit as out of her depth as Catalina felt, but their silent telegrams were interrupted when Kitty’s eyes suddenly went wide. ‘Shit! School, I forgot I-’

‘It’s ok.’ Catalina winced as Kitty scrambled to her feet, almost knocking over her mug. ‘Don’t worry about that for now mija, alright?’

‘But I’ll be in trouble for being late!’

‘Love-’ Jane looked slightly tentative but resolute all the same. ‘If you really, really want to go to school, we’ll make sure you get there ok? But don’t you think it’s going to raise more questions rather than less if you turn up like this? Even if you are on time?’

Kitty hesitated.

‘How about this- take some time, we’ll think about what we can sort out for you so that you look more….well, more yourself, if you do still want to go in...but first of all, I think you just need some time to just rest. You’re not really ok yet, are you?’ 

Sheepishly, Kitty swiped at her still damp eyes but she still cast an anxious look at the clock.

‘They get really weird about attendance though…’

Catalina could tell she was weakening and decided to take a chance- she reached out and gently pulled Kitty back down to the sofa.

 ‘Mija, you’re already late. Rushing off now won’t change that- and you don't look in any fit state to go to school right now anyhow. You don’t even have a coat and you’ve barely slept- you must be worn out. Aren’t you tired?’

Oddly the things that had sent the same girl into a fit of anger less than an hour earlier now had the exact opposite effect- Kitty sank back down and looked at Catalina almost gratefully.

‘I’m so tired’ she admitted. ‘My head is killing me- and I can feel the cramps starting and- But I can’t just skip school either, I-’

Catalina nodded sympathetically. ‘Let’s get you some painkillers then. How about this- you just rest up here until you feel better and then you can decide what you want to do, ok? Your choice.’

There was a moment of hesitation….and Kitty nodded. ‘Thanks. Do you have any ibuprofen?’

Catalina wanted to beam with pride; Jane shot her a tiny congratulatory smile.

Twenty minutes later, Kitty was curled up on the cafe sofa again and half asleep, the freshly topped up hot water bottle pressed to her abdomen and her urgency to get to school seemingly having abated for the moment. Jane perched on the edge of the table next to her, one hand over Kitty’s, talking softly to her; Catalina rather hoped that whatever she was saying had the effect of keeping the girl in one place long enough that they could come up with some sort of plan.

Eventually, Kitty closed her eyes and Jane got up to join Catalina where she stood at the door. ‘Poor thing. Doesn't seem like she’s used to being taken care of, she kept apologising for making a fuss...’

Catalina shook her head mutely.

‘What are we going to do when she starts feeling better?’

‘I’m hoping she’ll agree to talk a bit more- I want to know what her plans are, when it comes to where she’s going to sleep tonight, whether she’ll want to try to just go home or….’

Jane nodded. ‘Yes. Do you think her parents assumed she was going to just go to her boyfriends? Surely they didn’t actually mean for her to be out all night?’

‘What did they think was going to happen? Honestly though, even if it’s not what they intended… God knows Cathy and I have had our moments and there’s been a few dramatic storm outs over the years but I’d never dream of actually making her leave, especially not without knowing she had somewhere safe to go to. Not even now-’

Jane smiled. ‘Not everyone is you Catty. Some parents are pretty quick with the my house, my rules or get out thing….’

‘I know but-’

‘Some families are different. And some are just downright a bit messed up and awful. But there’s a big difference between being a bit awful and actually being homeless, ok?’

‘But she is homeless!’

‘Not exactly...not yet, at least. They might just be expecting her home tonight- argument, apology, done and dusted. Even if she’s not home for a couple of nights, there’s every chance they’ll expect her home eventually. Most parents who throw their kids out for a night or two don’t actually mean forever.’

‘Oh so that makes it all ok?’ She could feel her blood heating up, anger pounding in her ears. I never meant it, it was all a joke, it was all a mistake, I never meant it like that Catalina, why do you always take things so seriously, no one else’s wives overreact like you do-

Jane put a conciliatory hand on her arm. ‘Of course not. Of course it doesn’t, that’s not what I’m saying.’

‘So what are you saying? She just goes home and we forget about it?’

Jane shook her head, refusing to rise to the bait. ‘No. I’m saying that if Kitty decides she’d like help finding somewhere else to live, I will be the very first in line, ok? But if she doesn’t- if it turns out that she can go home and that she wants to, or even if it just turns out that she’s ok to stick it out a couple more years, if she actually doesn’t want to be uprooted, then we can’t make her or force her.’

‘But to do that to her-’

‘I know.’ Jane looked weary. ‘But it’s not about them- it’s about her. She’s nearly an adult Catty- she’s earned the right to make her own decisions and to have them respected.’

‘But-’

‘Even if they’re the wrong ones. Even then. Even when it hurts.’ Catalina opened her mouth but Jane held her gaze steadily and Catalina found she couldn’t quite look away. ‘Sometimes, you have to choose. Between letting someone make the wrong choice….and losing them entirely. I hope it won’t come to that with Kitty, of course but…’

Catalina swallowed hard and nodded. Deep breath. In and out. Jane carried on.

‘I feel like our best bet is to let her go if she wants to, but to let her know that she’s to come to one of us tonight if she can’t be at home. I don’t like the thought of her having nowhere to go again any more than you do.’

‘Do you think she’d even want to stay with us?’ Her voice was impressively normal. Jane shrugged.

‘Maybe not. But it’s worth a try. If not, maybe she can find a friend to stay with, now she's got some notice. Or her boyfriend? Anything is better than her just walking the streets.’

Catalina considered. ‘How about Anna, if she turns out not to have anyone and doesn't feel comfortable with us? I know she lets people crash on her sofa quite often, and Kitty likes her.’

‘We’d have to ask her first.’

‘Oh do you think? I was thinking we’d just pop Kitty down on her doorstep…’

Jane sighed. ‘You’re a truly hilarious woman.’

‘Thank you. Obviously we’ll ask her. Anna’s coming over in a bit anyhow- I’ll broach it to her before I ask Kitty, obviously.’

‘Have you told Kitty she’s coming yet?’

‘I thought one of us could in a bit- I just texted her. Hopefully it’ll cheer her up...but listen, as far as Kitty’s concerned, Anna is just to do maintenance stuff, ok? I don’t want her to think that we’re...I don’t know, gossiping or anything.’

‘That’s fair enough.’ Jane looked a little happier. ‘She’ll be so pleased to see her- and Anna will probably do better at being able to get her to open up about when she needs than either of us can.’

Despite everything, Catalina couldn’t resist a small smile. ‘I know, that’s what I thought. It should make things a bit easier anyway- having Anna here, I mean.’

Jane nodded. ‘Definitely.’

**

Catalina was leaning against the wall, half way through her third cigarette of the day, when Anna roared up. She waited until the woman had removed her helmet before she started talking but it was a struggle.

‘I’m so sorry- I know I dragged you in but...I don’t think Kitty’s really up to talking to anyone and I don’t want to overwhelm her-’

And that’s putting it nicely…

(Catalina hadn’t been able to understand the look of panic that had flared in the girls eyes when she’d mentioned that Anna would be popping by.

‘-only to grab a few bits and pieces but you’ll be-’

Before she’d even finished speaking Kitty had been sitting up, all traces of sleepiness gone.

‘What? Why? Why’s SHE coming here?’

It had been a shock to hear such vehemence in Kitty’s tone- they were now all so used to Kitty’s hero worship that Anne barely even bothered to joke about it any more. It was accepted now that wherever Anna went in the cafe, Kitty would be close behind.

Catalina had felt suddenly wrongfooted- she’d been so sure that Kitty would have lit up at the mention of Anna dropping by after all.

‘She just needs to pick a couple of expenses forms mija-’

Does she think we’ve called Anna here to check on her? I mean….we have. But how could she know?

‘Can’t she do that tomorrow?’ Kitty had looked so desperate that Catalina hadn’t quite known how to respond- then she’d turned her face away, burying it in her hands. ‘I don’t want to have to see anyone else, I don’t want to have to talk to anyone-’ Her voice had sounded almost chokey, but oddly enough this time Catalina hadn’t been able to make out any trace of tears.

‘You don’t have to talk to her if you don’t want to mija.’ She’d been within a hair's breadth of telling Kitty that it was alright and of course Anna didn’t have to come after all...and then managed to stop herself. It would look far too suspicious if the whole thing was called off without even a whisper of protest, and perhaps Kitty was testing her, trying her out to see if Catalina had made good on her promise not to share anything with the others.

Kitty though hadn’t looked soothed at all- if anything, she’d looked even more panicked. ‘No! I don’t even want her to be here at all!’

It had seemed that it really was Anna’s presence that Kitty was objecting to. 

What could have happened? She was sure there couldn’t have been a fight- not with Kitty but more importantly, not with Anna. 

She and Jane might snap at one another on stressful days, and she’d been known to scold Cathy or Anne for particularly foolish decisions with great energy, and Cathy and Anne might bicker and squabble between themselves (especially during exam season)...but Kitty still didn’t say much to anyone, let alone argue and Anna floated above it all, always calm, always good natured, always cheerful.

Could they really have quarrelled without anyone knowing about it?

After a hurried whispered conference with Jane, they’d decided to let Kitty know that Anna, after all, wouldn’t be turning up. The girls shoulders had sunk with relief at the words and Jane had shot Catalina a questioning glance, to which Catalina had only been able to shrug.)

‘-and she’s so stressed out already poor thing, and I tried to call but of course you were on the bike and-’

There was a moment of confusion as Anna tried to make sense of the babble she’d just been met with- and then she nodded.

‘Ah ok, that’s fair enough.’

It occurred to Catalina that only Anna would ever travel for forty minutes and accept being told to leave immediately without so much as a whisper of protest or a hint of irritation.

‘I’m so sorry we dragged you out and then-’

‘No, it was worth a try, I’m glad you asked. And I definitely don’t WANT her to feel pressured by having more people around.’

‘I think it’s all a bit too much for her really.’

Anna’s brow creased in sympathy. ‘Poor Katzchen . Is she alright? When you said….God, I’ve been imagining all sorts-’

Catalina shook her head. It can’t have been a fight- Anna obviously doesn’t think anything’s wrong between them at all. ‘She’s ok- I mean, she’s tired and pretty rundown after being out all night and she’s very upset- which is to be expected- but she’s not hurt or anything.’

‘Thank god.’

‘It was an argument with her parents apparently, over staying out late- one thing led to another and then…..We haven’t quite worked out the details of what’s going to happen but honestly-’ Catalina tilted her head, letting the anger she’d repressed so carefully for Kitty’s benefit rise to the surface. ‘You wouldn’t think a parent could throw their own child out like that, could you?’ 

Worse than Henry, worse than anything he did to me- at least I’d chosen to be with him...What choice has Kitty got?

‘-I mean, I know sixteen is pretty much the age of being terribly difficult but it never would have occurred to me in a million years to just throw her out in the middle of the night like that- and the poor girl didn’t even have a coat-’

Anna was looking at her slightly oddly. ‘Her parents?’

‘Yes.’ A thought occurred to her. ‘I know I probably shouldn’t have told you- I don’t want Kitty to think we’re all discussing her behind her back but I didn’t want you to worry. She’ll tell you in her own time I’m sure- just act as if you’re hearing it for the first time when she does, ok?’

She trailed off. Anna was just gazing at her. ‘Anna? What is it?’

‘Kitty told you that her parents kicked her out because she had an argument with them?’

‘Yes? Why? Is it really that unbelievable at her age?’

Anna shook her head. ‘No it isn’t.’

‘Well then-’

‘But Kitty doesn’t live with her parents.’

‘Well she might have just meant step parents- especially if she didn’t want to have to explain the whole saga….’

Anna shook her head. ‘No, that’s not it. Catalina, Kitty doesn’t live with either of her parents. Her mother’s dead and her father….well she hasn’t heard from him in a while. Not since Christmas, she said.’

Catalina felt a stone settle at the bottom of her stomach.

‘So that means….’

‘Yes. She’s lying to one of us.’

Catalina took a deep breath. She could swear she could almost hear it- the faint sound of things falling to pieces even more than they already were.

‘I think maybe you should come in after all.’

*

When she and Anna came back into the cafe, Jane was in the armchair closest to Kitty, a cushion in her lap. She was explaining something as she pointed out bits of the intricate design- birds and flowers interlocking on a blue background and one of Jane’s best- and Kitty (and this, more than anything broke Catalina’s heart all over again)- Kitty was actually smiling as she listened and ran her fingers over the delicate stitching.

Part of Catalina wanted nothing more than to turn around and to leave them to their little haven of peace- in fact, all of her wanted to leave them to it. But Anna was already ahead of her, Jane had already noticed her and was opening her mouth to say something- and as she did, Kitty looked up too and was on her feet.

‘Anna!’ 

‘Hey Katzchen’ Anna’s voice was very, very gentle. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘What are you doing here? I told them-’

‘Catty, what-’

‘I know you did. But...I think we perhaps need to have a talk.’

‘Anna? What’s going on?’

Anna carried on steadily- she spoke to Kitty. ‘I’m sorry Katzchen. No one’s angry with you in the slightest but...we’d really like to know what’s happened. What’s really happened.’

‘.....She told you….’

Catalina had been expecting Kitty’s look of betrayal but it didn’t come; instead, her shoulders gave the very tiniest slump of resignation, as if she’d been expecting this, or something like this all along….and that somehow hurt much, much worse.

‘She did, liebling. I’m sorry. We just want to make sure you’re ok- because we care about you. And like I said, no one’s angry with you. Alright?’

Kitty looked at Anna for a long moment. She glanced at Jane- and then at Catalina.

And she fled.

The suddenness of it took Catalina by surprise- one minute, the girl was frozen in front of them all like a rabbit in the headlights, the next she was hightailing it out of the door.

‘Kitty!’

‘Katzchen!’

‘Wait!’

But by the time they’d got as far as the open door, Kitty was gone.

Chapter Text

The music pulsed like a headache and kept time with the lights, as the now-you-see-me-now-you-don’t strobe gave everybody their night in flashes.

FLASH. A drink was pushed into her hand, dark brown liquid spilling wetly over her wrist, the glass sticky. It burnt as she swallowed it down, a good rich burn that seconds later sent a lovely floatiness straight to her head. Magic.

FLASH. A stranger’s face dipped close to hers and then was gone again, mouth wide open and, she knew, a mirror to hers. The scream could have pain or elation; either way, she couldn’t hear a note of it.

FLASH-

She was having a wonderful night, her whole body loose and open in a way it only became in the stifling enveloping darkness. She felt free.

 She’d tried to explain it to Anne, once or twice before- the almost womb-like closeness and darkness, the baptism of smoke and liquor, the way being buffeted by the crowd put her in mind of a stone being buffeted by the ocean. She’d tried to explain how nights out chipped away the sharp edges that the stress of the week had put upon her, that the heat blanched away the blemishes of everyday life, until she was left as smooth and new as a pebble washed up on the shore, fresh and born anew.

Anne had listened, laughed, and then asked if she was planning on using the speech on Catalina the next time the two of them rolled up hungover for a Saturday morning shift, and she’d been able to tell from Anne’s face that she didn’t get it.

It was ok. Anne was patient with her eternal rambling flights of fancy, more patient than anyone else in the world, and she was grateful enough for that alone.

FLASH-

 Anne appeared in front of her, someone else’s sparkly deely-bopper headband on her head- how does Anne always come away with other people’s accessories?- and one space bun coming unravelled. She was laughing- she held out her hands, and they danced together, the two of them a perfect circle, unbroken amidst the swirling crush of strangers. 

Anne’s skin was flushed with the heat, the exertion, the liquor- her arms were warm around Cathy’s shoulders, her neck damp with sweat and smelling faintly of Prerogative Rave. 

She realised Anne was shouting something to her but she couldn’t make it out. She leant in to bury her face into the invitingly vulnerable hollow between Anne’s neck and shoulder but after a second, Anne pushed her away.

She was pointing, shouting again, her mouth was working urgently- it was the same thing, she was saying it over and over again, Cathay could tell, but she still couldn’t hear what it WAS. Eventually her eyes followed Anne’s pointing finger and all at the same moment, the strobes stopped, the song dipped in intensity as another began and she could at last make it out.

 “Kitty, KITTY-”

She was confused for a split second, thinking Anne must have seen a lookalike, wondering why on earth pointing it out was important enough to make Anne pull away from her (not that she’s hurt or anything stupid like that, she’s just saying) ....and then her eyes focused through the darkness, on the same slight figure who she’d gotten more than used to seeing at the sink or the cash register at work.

She blinked. It couldn’t be Kitty.

She looked again. It was.

No one had seen Kitty for days- no one had heard from her, and she’d missed two of her shifts, leaving them shorthanded, Catalina unusually irritable and Jane unusually quiet. It felt strange to suddenly see her now- wrong, somehow, like seeing a professor outside of a lecture theatre. 

They’d asked about Kitty’s absence, even Anna had brought it up although she generally didn’t notice shift patterns, and Catalina had said that she must be ill, but with a twist at the corner of her mouth that had betrayed a deeper worry. 

Cathy recognised that twist- she’d seen it before again and again during her childhood.

“You’re going to have another sleepover with me tonight mija, Mummy is still a bit tired, ok? Yes, I promise I’ll make sure we have your school uniform for Monday if you’re still here-”

“No I’m afraid you can’t speak to either of Cathy’s parents- I’m her legal guardian, I’m the only one you need to concern yourself with. Well, I don’t see why my age is any concern of yours-”

“I’m so sorry your parents were held up but I’ll be clapping for both you AND Cathy, Anne, mija-”

She had supposed that Catalina was worried that Kitty wasn’t really ill at all, that she’d just gotten bored of the job and that Catalina was dreading having to go through the awkwardness of formally ending her employment and then beginning the whole recruitment saga again.

She’d tried reassuring her- personally, she had been able to tell almost immediately that Kitty wasn’t the sort of person to just walk out on a job like that. Obviously, she must be ill, properly ill.

“She’ll be back Catty, it’s only been two shifts- and remember how awful the flu can be, she probably isn’t even thinking about work?”

Catalina had looked at her oddly, urgently.

“She’s got the flu?” Her hand had gripped Cathy’s arm until Cathy had twitched away, slightly disconcerted. “Did she tell you that?”

“What? No, of course not, I’d have told you if she’d been in touch. Maybe she does, I don’t know. I just meant, she must be ill to not even call, but she’ll be back when she’s better, it’s not a big deal.”

Catalina had just walked away. She’d looked sad for some reason.

Anne tugged on her hand, elated, excited, and Cathy let herself be pulled along on the tide of Anne’s excitement, the way she always did.

“Kitty!”

“Kit Kat!”

As they bore down on her, Cathy felt a sudden rush of genuine happiness at seeing the girl. 

The cafe really hadn’t been the same without her. She’d gotten used to her, she realised- for all that having a new presence in the cafe had bothered her at first (because anything that threw off her routine always did, and she’d come to accept it about herself, and even to expect it), Kitty had now become a part of things, a quiet part but necessary all the same.

She was thrilled as well that she’d be able to put Catalina’s mind at rest- clearly Kitty must have gotten over her flu or whatever if she was out, and she’d be able to tell Catalina that and Catalina could stop going around with her face all pinched and Jane could stop looking so anxious (she was obviously worried on Catalina’s behalf at the effect of the girl’s absence) and everything could go back to normal…..

Although.

As they rushed up to Kitty, shrieking her name, and flung their arms around her, she realised that beneath the makeup, Kitty actually didn’t really look all that well at all.

She was pale, for one thing- Cathy could see that even under the pulsing green light- and her cheeks looked thinner, and her eyes looked heavy, in the way that Cathy had seen her and Anne’s look when they had an exam or a big assignment due, when they’d spend two or even three nights staying far too late in the library and then coming home to study in bed.

Usually, this sort of look was picked up on relatively quickly by Catalina- or Jane, if Catalina wasn’t around- and whoever it was got made a cup of tea and a sandwich (because goodness knows when you last ate something that wasn’t out of a vending machine. I don’t care if you’re hungry you need nourishment!) and sent home early, with strict instructions to go to bed and go to sleep and God help you if I find out you’ve so much as opened a book until you’ve had a proper rest, Catherine Parr.

She supposed the flu must have hit Kitty really quite hard indeed, although surely she must have been feeling better if she was out enjoying herself. Still, a bit of her sort of wanted to call someone, whoever it was who was in charge of making sure that Kitty ate proper food and got proper rest and threatened her with unimaginable punishments if she so much as thought about working while sick-

I have Catalina. Anne has Catalina too. Jane has Catalina, and all three of us have Jane. 

Who does Kitty have? A Mum and a Dad? A sister, or a friend?

“Kitty!”

“KitKat!”

They fell on her with whoops of tipsy elation. Kitty disappeared for a moment as they enveloped her with hugs, then resurfaced as they drew back.

“Where have you BEEN, we’ve missed you!”

Kitty blinked at them, looking slightly shellshocked.

“H-Hi-”

“You’ve been gone for ages, everything is falling apart without you, no word of a lie-” Anne had hold of one of Kitty’s hands and she swung it in time with her words.

“I know, I’m so, so sorry-” Kitty’s voice had a crack in it, like she was maybe about to cry and it absolutely broke Cathy’s (very slightly vodka soaked) heart. She made a mental note to tell Catalina that if she said a single word of chastisement to Kitty on her return, she would personally steal her favourite mug and leave it in her student flat’s shared kitchen.

  Good luck getting it back then Catty.

She wrapped a clumsy arm around Kitty’s shoulders and planted a kiss on her temple.

“‘S alright! It’s ok! We get it! It’s all good-”

Kitty pulled back and looked, if anything, even more horrified.

“You-”

“You can’t HELP getting sick! We all told Catty- Anne and I told Catty- that obviously you were still coming BACK-”

Kitty relaxed slightly but still looked confused.

“I didn’t think I’d be welcome!”

“Course you are!” Anne was so emphatic she almost overbalanced on her high heels. “We MISS you, it SUCKS without you-”

Kitty smiled shakily and brushed some hair out of her eyes.

“Oh. Ok.”

There was a seconds pause, a slight awkwardness that even the drunken euphoria couldn’t quite dispel: as luck would have it though, the song changed after a moment and Anne shrieked delightedly.

“It’s our song- come dance with us Kit!”

Without waiting for a reply, she started tugging them both towards the center of the crowd, where the dancing was unselfconscious and intense and, pressed close together, they let themselves fall into it.

Despite Kitty’s awkwardness, the gloom and her own inebriated state, Cathy could still see- Kitty was a good dancer. She moved liquidly, fluidly, her eyes shut unselfconsciously.

 Anne caught her eye, eyebrows raised delightedly, and Cathy could tell she was thinking the same thing. As they danced though, it occurred to Cathy that there was an edge of something to it, a desperation in how Kitty appeared to be trying to lose herself that tugged at her.

She stopped moving.

She mouthed ‘Water!” at Anne, who nodded lazily, and started to push her way back to the bar. It wasn’t until she got there, that she realised she had a shadow. 

She forced her way to an empty half inch of bar space and anchored herself there, Kitty hovering awkwardly behind her, until she caught the eye of one of the staff. She tried asking for two cups of water rather than one but either he hadn’t heard or he didn’t care- she downed half of her blissfully cool sweating plastic cup and then handed it to Kitty who gulped it gratefully.

“Thanks.”

“No problem, I thought it was easier than making you-” She made a face and Kitty smiled and nodded.

It made Cathy wonder for the first time how on earth the girl managed in a place like that- how on earth did she make herself loud enough to be seen at the bar, how did she manage to charm the door staff into ‘forgetting’ to check for I.D?

The question was answered rather abruptly- a tall youth with sandy hair and a crisp open necked white shirt slid an arm around Kitty’s shoulders with the air of someone laying hands on a temporarily mislaid item of clothing.

“There you are.” He scrutinised Cathy intently, even as he addressed Kitty. 

Looking to see if I’ve left any marks on his property.

Kitty gave a little wriggle of the shoulders, as if she was trying to move out of his reach without him noticing, but he hung on and she didn’t try again. His arm looked too heavy for Kitty’s thin shoulders.

“Sorry.”

“I’ve been looking for you.”

“But you were the one who-”

“Don’t interrupt me, jesus!”

Kitty mumbled another apology, her eyes sliding to her shoes like a scolded child and he leant closer.

“For ages, I had to look for you. I was worried about you.”

He didn’t sound worried, Cathy thought. There was a flatness to his voice that was worse, more inevitable than anger.

“I know, I-”

“If you KNEW, why didn’t you bother to try to look for me too? Hm?”

Kitty cringed under his arm.

“She was trying to look for you!”

The lie burst out of Cathy before she could think about it. The boy looked wrongfooted.

“What?”

“I suggested we look for you at the bar, and see?” Cathy made her voice light, happy, as if everything had worked out, as if every instinct in her wasn’t screaming at her to grab Kitty’s hand and pull her back to Anne and to safety. “We found you!”

The boy looked at her for a long moment; she met his gaze unblinkingly. Then he gave a short, sharp laugh. Kitty flinched under his arm.

“Who the fuck are you?”

“Kitty’s friend. From work.” She made herself smile brightly and his lip curled.

“Thought you were done with that. Thought they’d given up on you.”

Kitty mumbled something, her cheeks flushing, and Cathy’s heart squeezed.

“I’m Cathy.”

He nodded shortly, not bothering to introduce himself and then turned to the bar abruptly.

“Shots!”

Despite the crush, he was served immediately- Cathy couldn’t tell if it was the imperiousness in his voice or just his apparent absolute certainty that he should be deferred to, bending the universe to his whims. Of course, the £50 note he flourished as casually as monopoly money might have something to do with it, she supposed.

He turned back almost immediately, pushing one tiny glass into Kitty’s unresisting hand and holding one out to Cathy.

“Here-”

“Oh, it’s alright-”

“No, it’s fine. I’m always interested in meeting Katherine’s friends-” He looked amused, Cathy couldn’t tell if he was making fun of her, of Kitty, of the whole encounter. “Tell the truth, I was starting to think she didn’t have any, from the way she has to trail after me.”

Cathy opened her mouth to remind him that it was HIM looking for Kitty, not the other way round, but Kitty met her eyes and the plea there stilled her tongue, so she managed a sickly smile and gulped down the shot without asking what it was.

Vodka. And not an expensive brand, from the taste of it, for all of the flashing of cash. It amused her privately, she decided she’d laugh about this later, when she was back with Anne. She’d make it a funny story, somehow.

“- you’re not from her school then?” Henry was still going on. “I figured.”

Cathay opened her mouth and then closed it. Why humiliate herself trying to insist to this self important boy that she was old enough to be at university? She could already see in her mind's eye how his lip would curl, the sneer.

“I figured-” Henry went on, relentlessly, “because if you were, you’d have heard the rumours.”

Kitty’s face was purple with humiliation, she looked like she wanted to die.

“Just leave it Henry? Please?”

He laughed loudly, humourlessly. “Leave it? Leave what? Jesus, what have I done wrong NOW?”

“Nothing, just- we don’t want to talk about school now, we-”

Kitty was still holding her own untouched glass, gesturing with it would-be casually. Henry watched her impassively until she faltered and fell silent. 

“Fine. We won’t talk about school.” He nodded to her glass. “Aren’t you going to drink it? I paid for it, you know.”

Kitty wilted slightly. 

“I know, I just think I’ve had-”

“So you’re going to waste even MORE of my money, is that it?” He glanced at Cathy. “Tell me, do all women play games like this? I’ve never been able to work out if it’s a woman's thing or if it’s just her. You’d think I existed for nothing other than to pay for things for her…”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry-” Kitty sounded apologetic, but weary too- Cathy could somehow tell she was watching a familiar dance play out. Kitty downed the shot, and Henry smiled a cold smile.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it? Now maybe you’ll stop being such a drag and enjoy yourself for once in your fucking life.”

“Hey, what the-”

But Kitty was talking over her already, a bright smile plastered onto her face.

“Sorry, I know I’m being a- a bitch. I’m better now, all ready to have fun-” She grabbed Henry’s untouched shot and drank it down, then did a little twirl, still holding Henry’s hand- Cathy could tell by the slight unsteadiness to her feet that it wasn’t the first alcohol Kitty had imbibed tonight, willingly or unwillingly. 

She half held her breath, expecting at the very least a sharp rebuke for Kitty’s purloining of Henry’s own drink….but instead Henry just relaxed slightly, as if satisfied by something. He let Kitty kiss him, stood still as she whispered cajolingly in his ear. His hand slid up Kitty’s skirt, higher and higher until Cathy had to look away. Kitty didn’t so much as flinch.

Then he pushed her away, casually, as if bored by it all.

“Good. I’ll back in a minute.” He smiled, took her hand, and kissed it. “Don’t make me look for you again.” It was said lightly but it still made Cathy’s shiver.

He nodded- “Nice to meet you”- at Cathy and then he was gone, and Cathy and Kitty stood in awkward, embarrassed silence for a moment. 

She’d seen something personal, too personal, something not meant for her eyes, and she felt like she wanted to scrub it away.

She knew there was no use in pretending it didn’t happen, but she could sense that they probably would.

“If you want to go back to find Anne again, that’s fine, I’m-” Kitty wobbled slightly and then giggled. “I’m used to waiting for him, he’ll be back soon.” Her smile didn’t reach her eyes.

Cathy could feel all the things she wanted to say building up in her throat and it was an effort to hold them back.

Why is he treating you like that, why are you letting him, why did I let him, why-

Instead what came out was, “He doesn’t mind you taking his shots?”, as if the real faux pas had been Kitty’s all alone. It was  a stupid thing to say, but the horror of the encounter had numbed her, made her brain clumsy, like fumbling, gloveless fingers on a too-cold day.

Kitty gave a sad, sweet smile.

“It’s ok, he never minds. He likes it when I do. He hates it when I’m boring.”

Before she could decide how to reply to that horrible tipbit, Anne stumbled up to them giggling.

“You left me all aloneeee!” Her hair flowed loose over her shoulders and she’d lost the deely boppers. Easy come, easy go, Cathy supposed.

Kitty giggled too- the vodka seemed to have loosened her noticeably, but there was a tremulousness about it too, as if she was pushing everything else down deep inside for later, burying it with smiles.

“I leave everyone, no one can catch me! Here one minute and gone the next! But if you wait with us, Henry will get you a shot when he comes back!”

Anne lit up at the mention of free drink and Cathy suddenly realised that she can’t bear to wait around, to have to watch Kitty be pawed over, for the sake of a drink that nobody asked for. 

“I’m going to go, get some fresh air-”

Anne grabbed her arm, concerned now.

“You ok?”

“Fine. Hot.”

Anne laughed, kissed her cheek. “Yeah you are.” But her smile faded when Cathy didn’t respond- she pulled her closer and looked at her properly. “Are you alright really though?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know.” She felt dirty for what she’d seen, slimy. She wanted to go and have a hot shower, she wanted to call Catalina and let the gentle, familiar voice ground her back in the kinder world that she was used to to pour everything out to her and let her make sense of it.

Although how would she start?

“Catty, Kitty has a boyfriend-”

“Catty, Kitty let her boyfriend buy her a shot-”

“Catty, Kitty’s boyfriend touched her….No, she didn’t complain. No, she wasn’t upset. No, she hasn’t asked for help….”

She started to walk away, deciding she’d talk to Kitty tomorrow when she'd had a chance to think about what to say, but Anne ran after her.

“Hey, we’ll come with you!”

She was still holding Kitty’s hand, Kitty pulled behind her like a kite and still giggling. Cathy waited for Kitty to say she needed to wait but she didn’t, so she said it herself.

“Don’t you need to-”

“No!” Kitty shook her head emphatically and then stopped. “I mean yes but-” She hesitated. “Actually-”

“Who cares what some stupid BOY thinks?” demanded Anne, belligerently. “We’re more fun, aren’t we?”

Cathy opened her mouth to say- what? That Henry frightened her? That she was already wary of upsetting him?- but Kitty gave a tiny pleading shake of the head and she didn’t.

Kitty nodded along with Anne, echoing her and Anne laughed delightedly.

“YES Kitten- c’mon, let’s leave them all behind. Coming, Cathy?”

She inclined her head to the other set of doors- not into the smoking area, but the proper exit- and Cathy realised that unless she followed, she’d be left behind.

There was the tiniest hesitation from Kitty as they reached the threshold, and she glanced back anxiously. Cathy leant into her, whispered “We can go back if you want?” but Kitty looked over at Anne- trying to convince the bouncer to let her take her cocktail glass out with her ‘for the walk home’- and then shook her head, recklessly resolute.

“No. For once….” She faltered and then pulled herself together. “For once, I want to leave when I want to leave, ok?”

It sounded as if she was asking permission; Cathy nodded reluctantly because she couldn’t think of how else to respond.

“Ok.”

“C’mon, you guys are so slow!” Anne drained her cocktail glass, thrust it into the bouncers hands and pulled open the door with a flourish. “After you, mes amis!”

Cathy and Kitty exchanged a final look- and then Kitty plunged on and out of the door, with the eagerness of someone with nothing left to lose.

Cathy followed.

Chapter Text

Going from the damp, humid fug of the club into the crisp night air was like stepping into cool water on a hot day: Cathy’s muzzy head felt better, her mind felt sharper as she breathed in the cold, clean night air.

 They had shed their skins for a few hours in order to lose themselves in the darkness of the club- but now they were outside, she knew herself again, she found.

 Somehow, she knew that she’d never have stood stockstill and silent if they’d come across Henry out here.

Out, away from it all, she had the uncanniest feeling of escape, as if they’d shut the door on something grimey and insidious. Judging by the slightly panicked glance Kitty shot over her shoulder as they rounded the corner away from the club, the girl was perhaps regretting her bravado of a few minutes ago, but when she saw Cathy looking, she plastered a bright smile on her face.

“So, what do you-”

A trio of girls was walking towards them, and instinctively Cathy moved over slightly to make room for them on the pavement.

“Slag.” 

It was muffled by an extremely fake coughing fit but still audible. Then it came again, this time without the cough.

“Oi SLAG-”

 A cacophony of giggles rose and fell as the girls passed them. For a second, Cathy felt thirteen all over again- she wondered if there was some sort of pheromone possessed by teenage girls that somehow went straight to whichever bit of the brain held one’s deepest insecurities. 

Then she gave herself a shake. She was nineteen, for goodness sake!

Anne just rolled her eyes.

“People are so WEIRD tonight! Like first there was that guy on the bus who kept staring at my feet- not my tits or anything, but my feet , like some creepy little fetishist. Then a girl licked my EAR when we were dancing like she was a fucking labrador, and now I’m getting slag-coughed by random secondary school kids-”

Cathy wondered idly if any of it had actually happened at all- Anne certainly hadn’t mentioned it at the time. Still, Anne’s ability to make anything feel funny and silly and not-at-all-about-you was something she would never not be grateful for.

(She remembered how, going into school every morning in the early, awful days, when it had felt like everybody knew that something had happened, when it felt like every whisper was about her, she’d wanted to run away from the school gates every morning after Catalina’s car had pulled away- run all the way home in her slightly crumpled school blouse that Catalina, in the midst of the meetings with social worker after social worker, had forgotten to iron.

 Only Anne’s hand, firm and warm, had held her back. 

Anne’s voice in her ear, keeping up a constant stream of conversation- “No of course they’re not talking about you Cath, they’re talking about-” had kept her feet moving, one in front of the other, all the way to the door.

 She’d been too far within herself to do anything more than listen but she’d latched onto Anne’s words like they were a lifeline. It had only been much later that she’d realised that Anne’s stories of what dramatic events had occurred to keep the school tongues wagging and distracted from Cathy’s own family drama- “The dinner lady called Kevin Lea a little bitch when he wouldn’t eat his mince!” “A fox ran right into the playground and chased Mr Evans into the bike shed!” “Ameena brought in a cigarette from her big brother and smoked all of it!”- had been entirely fabricated.)

She and Kitty laughed at Anne’s exasperated confusion and then Kitty shook her head. “Oh no, it’s ok, it’s just me!”

“What?”

Kitty glanced back. “Joan Bulmer and Alice Wilkes. They go to my school- they were talking to me, not you two.”

“Wow, thanks for reminding me why I do NOT miss school at all,” Anne mumbled, glaring back at them. “Little bitches-”

Cathy grabbed her hand firmly, pulling her forward. 

“Ignore them Anne!”

(She did NOT want to end the night with Anne fighting a teenager.)

“Oh no, they just hate me.” Kitty said it casually, not the hint of a quaver in her voice, and that, Cathy decided, was worse. She sounded so used to it .

“Why?”

“Oh a bunch of stuff.” Kitty shrugged. “I got this teacher fired in middle school and it became a whole thing, you know? Which is fair enough really, it did sort of ruin things for him, and he had to move away in the end, and I think I heard that his wife left him too.” She paused. “Of course that might have just been a rumour. I don’t know if he ever actually had a wife.”

“You got a teacher fired?” Cathy felt like her brain was struggling to keep up with the sudden string of revelations. Next to her, Anne creased her brow in consternation.

 “How? I mean….really?”

“Oh yeah.” Kitty frowned. “I mean, I don’t feel good about it or anything- I still feel really guilty, but it’s not like I can take it back, you know? I was just a kid.”

“Right.”

 Cathy tried not to sound judgemental. Still though…. Her mind drifted back to her second to last year in Primary school, back when she and Catalina were still finding their feet, both slightly shell shocked and reeling from being landed, still somehow unexpectedly, despite everything, with each other. 

The memory of needless lies, tripping them both up at their most vulnerable, made her shiver. 

In hindsight, she wasn’t sure why Catalina hadn’t cut and run right then- Yes sorry, I can take in my goddaughter when it’s just residual trauma I have to deal with but I’m afraid I draw the line at malicious accusations, I’m out, sorry Cathy, hope they find you a nice foster home-

No one would have blamed her- Cathy herself wouldn’t have blamed her.

The thought of how much she could have lost because of it- when she’d already lost so much- made the familiar burn of anger well up in her chest.

Mrs Willard, you bitch. As if you’d have done any better coping with a nine year old at twenty five. Didn’t bother calling the social workers in when I was living with Mum, did you? No, only when things were actually ok, or on their way to being ok- no thanks to you- did it occur to you to ‘raise concerns’. Mum only sometimes getting it together to pick me up was easy to ignore, but Catalina wasn’t so ignorable, bursting in with her dreadlocks and her boots and her accent, forgetting to send things for the bake sale and dressing me up as Audre Lorde on World Book Day and insisting that I didn’t have to make a card for Mother’s Day if I didn’t want to and telling the Head that ‘half-caste’ was offensive….. 

With effort, she tamped the emotion down, knowing that letting herself get caught up in it wouldn’t do any good. Anne’s hand squeezed her own, the familiar touch grounding and comforting as always.

“Ok?”

“Ok.” She nodded, convincing herself. “I’m fine.”

She was fine. But it was hard to look at Kitty, she found. 

Did she lie just for the fun of it? Did she know what she was doing?

Kitty bit her lip uncomfortably, eyes darting between them.

“Cathy? I know it was wrong, just….” She paused. “Are you cross with me?” She suddenly sounded closer to six than sixteen, the buoyancy of the alcohol suddenly leaking away, Cathy shook herself with effort.

“No,” she lied. There was something though about the sad hunch of Kitty’s shoulders that gave her pause though. Anne obviously saw it too.

“We all do stupid stuff when we’re kids-” she reassured, and Kitty nodded eagerly, gratefully.

“I’d take it back if I could- I tried to take it back. But no one listens when you’re a kid, you know?”

Cathy nodded. She did know.

“Really Miss, she didn’t forget to pick me up. Her shift just overran-”

“She did make me lunch Miss, I just forgot it, honestly-”

“We’re going to get me new shoes when Catty gets paid-”

Of course you believed me when I lied for Mum or when Mum lied for herself- her blue eyes were so much more convincing. When I was actually telling the truth, THAT’S when you suddenly decided to pretend to care.

Kitty sighed.

“It was so unfair, really. I kept telling them that it was my fault too and they just ignored me…”

Something about the phrasing caught Cathy’s ear and must have caught Anne’s too.

“What do you mean, your fault too ?”

Kitty blushed. “Well I was the one to begin it- I mean, I wasn’t the first one to fancy him, that was Jo but I definitely went along with it and I was the one who he noticed, so-”

“Begin what?”

“Oh just-” Kitty waved a hand vaguely. “Stupid kids stuff, you know? He was the only male teacher at school under twenty five, so we all got a bit overexcited. We all talked about boyfriends all the time anyway, I was just the one he chose- Well, not really chose,” she corrected herself. “It wasn’t a proper relationship of course…” 

Cathy relaxed. 

“Just, you know, kissing and touching and stuff.” 

Cathy froze. Anne looked horrified.

“I thought it was what you DID when you had a boyfriend- he said it was- and I wanted the other girls to think I was cool.” She paused. “It wasn’t like we- you know, went on dates or anything.” She giggled at the absurdity of the idea. “We just did stuff in the classroom after school and that. Like, I could have stopped it at any time. I easily could have just told him to stop, so I know it WAS my fault.” 

She hesitated.

 “I mean, I know it now. I felt awful, because I’d just wanted to not have to do it anymore, and rather than just telling him, I told this stupid counsellor lady we had and then she went and told the head and….” Kitty looked up at them guiltily. “She said she wouldn’t tell anyone- I thought she’d just tell him I didn’t want to do it anymore, and he would! I didn’t mean for him to get fired!”

Anne found her tongue. “But that’s good! I’m glad- he deserved it, he deserved to be arrested-”

Kitty blinked at her. “Oh he wasn’t arrested!” she explained. “They understood that I’d gone along with it and encouraged it, so it wasn’t like he’d done anything really wrong, just….he couldn’t stay when everyone was talking about it.” She smiled sadly. “Everyone was so upset when he left, he’d been really popular. Let us play games on Friday afternoon and stuff like that. And he played the guitar and we’d all sing songs. And then everyone hated the substitute we got after he left….and hated me too for making him go, for all the rest of Year Six.”

She paused. “Everyone knew about it when we went to Secondary school, when we went into Year Seven, so everyone there hated me too.”

“Does that- stuff like what happened just now...happen a lot?” Anne asked. She looked queasy. Cathy felt like she wanted to throw up.

How could they not know that something like that had happened?

“Although who knows about you?” a voice in her head began. “Who else knows about you, apart from a handful of people- less than a handful? How many people know more than just the bare details- that you go to your godmother’s for Christmas and holidays rather than to your parents? And how many people don’t even know that, because you don’t tell them?

She found her tongue.

“Kit- you know it WASN’T your fault, right? None of it?”

Kitty shrugged. “I shouldn’t have let it happen,” she said easily. She could have been talking about anything- a burnt piece of toast, a pan left to boil over. 

“Didn’t you parents- what did your parents say? Didn’t they tell you-”

Kitty smiled. “Mum died when I was five. Dad’s in and out- well, more out than in but I used to see him sometimes when I was little. I never asked him about it- he’d probably say I ruined a poor guy's life for nothing and that it took two to tango. Which- you know, it does.”

“But-”

There weren’t enough words, there weren’t words strong enough, Cathy could tell, to chip away at Kitty’s certainty: her and Anne’s indignation on Kitty’s behalf was a pin scratching at the side of a mountain and it made her feel very, very old and very, very weary.

“Grandma Tilney said I was just like my mother and that it was a disgrace for me to think about things like boys when I was only a child. I think she was embarrassed. And worried that I’d be a bad influence on my little cousins and the other children. So-” Kitty shrugged, “we never really talk about it at home.”

She glanced between Anne and Cathy’s stunned, horrified expressions. 

“Honestly, you don’t need to worry. I’m ok. I think my family has mostly forgiven me for it. At least, they’re not still really angry. And school is ok. It was pretty bad until Year Ten but now Henry’s usually with me, so they wouldn’t dare say anything. It was how we started going out, did you know that?” 

She smiled, sweetly, painfully. “One of his friends called me a slag and Henry beat him up and made everyone leave me alone. They still hate me of course but it’s better…”

“That’s awful!” Anne choked out. She sounded as shocked as Cathy felt.

Kitty gave her an odd look.

“It’s ok Annie, he didn’t hurt him too badly or anything. They’re friends again now and everything.” She put a hand to her head. “God, sorry. I don’t know why I told you all that. I’ll probably be realllly embarrassed in the morning, I just start saying things….”

“No, that-” Anne was obviously struggling; Cathy decided to help her out.

“I think she means it’s awful that they were treating you so badly for something that definitely wasn’t your fault Kit-”

“It’s fineeee” Kitty pulled the word out long, nonchalantly, like a child stretching out taffy. “They hate me...the teachers hate me….Catalina hates me….lots of people hate me, but haters gonna hate you know? I just shake it off!” She beamed brightly and started to skip down the street, then paused when Anne didn’t follow. “Annie?”

“Why do you think Catalina hates you?” Cathy asked gently. Kitty shrugged, avoiding Cathy’s eyes.

“I- I missed all those shifts-”

“You missed two shifts-”

“And I’m not very good at it, and so she’s probably sick of me anyway. It’s fine. Henry said you would be. He said there’s no way an employer would give me the time of day after being so inconsiderate so-” She smiled, a trifle shakily. “I sort of messed it all up, didn’t I? Henry said it’ll make it really hard to get another job in the future because she’ll give me a bad reference and-”

“Fuck Henry!” Anne was almost shaking- but Cathy couldn’t tell if it was with emotion or cold. “Of course she doesn’t hate you!” Anne started digging her in her bag.

“What are you doing?”

“Where is it, where- Ah!” Anne raised it triumphantly and jabbed a couple of buttons. “And- Catty!”

“What? No! Don’t-”

Kitty shook her head frantically and wrung her hands together, obviously torn between wanting to snatch the phone away and frozen in the knowledge that doing so would be horribly rude.

From the other end of the phone came a decidedly grumpy, sleepy mumble.

“Mmm? Anne? What-”

“Catty!” 

Kitty mumbled unhappily and Cathy tried to decide if it was worth risking breaking Anne’s phone to wrestle it off her. She herself had been the victim of Anne-making-calls-on-her-behalf before and while, granted, it DID nearly always work out for the best, she knew it wasn’t exactly fun. 

“Had to call you, IMPORTANT work stuff, ‘kay?”

Catalina sighed. “I am hanging up in three seconds unless you tell me what you want, ok? One…..two….”

“You don’t hate Kitkat, do you Catty?” Anne, to her credit, seemed to make an effort to sound more serious. 

“What?” Catalina’s voice suddenly sounded much more awake than it had. “Why? Why do you ask?”

“Only she thinks you do and-”

Kitty looked nearly in tears. “Nooo Cathy, please make her stop-”

“It’s ok Kit-”

“What?” Catalina’s gasp was so loud, Cathy could hear it clear. She could almost SEE Catalina sitting bolt upright in bed, phone pressed to her ear. “You’ve spoken to her? Where? Is she with you?”

“Now Catty-” Anne’s voice became coaxing. Cathy recognised it, her please-let-me-leave-early voice, her please-get-my-phone-Cathy-I’m-COLD voice.

 “Now Catty, I just want you to know that she absolutely WAS sick like she said, honest to god, ok? She just felt better really fast and came out for one little drink and that’s not like a crime, is it?” She paused and considered. “Ok never mind, but still! It’s really the fault of the bouncers for not checking ID and it was just one drink, and Cathy and I used to do so much worse!”

“Anne-” Cathy tugged gently at Anne’s sleeve. Enough was enough, she didn’t need Anne getting her in trouble from events years past with Catalina just to reassure Kitty.

“Like honestly Catty, we’d get SO drunk and we’d lie to you SO MUCH and that’s SO much worse than Kitty missing a couple of shifts-”

“Anne, shut UP!”

Anne shook her off impatiently and Cathy sighed. She was going to kill Anne in the morning. Gently, she steered an increasingly anxious looking Kitty away, out of earshot.

“C’mon. Let’s go sit down, leave Anne to spill all of my teenage secrets in peace.”

Kitty gave a weak, reluctant smile and allowed herself to be led away.

“-and do you have any idea how often Cathy and I told you we were too tired to come to church, and we’d just be hungover? Because it was loads! And remember when you said your wine tasted funny last New Years- it was because we’d drunk some and then filled up the bottle with blackcurrant juice so it’d be the right colour and-”

“Anne!” Catalina’s voice broke through and silenced Anne at last. “Stop babbling on- is Kitty with you?”

“Um, yeah, she’s right here-” Anne waved vaguely, as if to indicate to Catalina how close she was. “You want to talk to her? Or you want to talk to Cathy about the wine?” She paused. “Because it WAS my idea so really, you shouldn’t blame her. Or me…”

“No, no it’s ok-” Catalina sounded almost breathless with impatience on the phone. “No, I don’t think she wants to talk to me, just-”

“Oh god what did you say to her? WHY does she think you hate her? What did you DO?” Anne's voice swelled with drunken indignation. “I can’t believe you upset her, I’m GLAD that I broke your stupid vase now, I’m glad I spilled nail varnish on Cathy’s carpet, I take back my apologies, I-”

“Anne, be quiet! I didn’t do anything!” Catalina sounded more tired than annoyed. 

“Then why-”

“I can’t explain. Just...look, can you just keep Kitty with you? Please? Don’t leave her to just go off by herself. Here-” There was a fumbling on the other end of the phone. “I’ll venmo you some money, can you take her to get something to eat? Something hot. Whatever she wants- just make sure she has something ok?”

“Ok.” Anne bit her lip, suddenly sounding younger than her nineteen years. “Catty, what’s wrong? What’s happened?”

Catalina hesitated. “I don’t know mija. I can’t explain now. Just make sure she eats, keep her with you, ok?”

“Ok.”

“Thank you mija.”

 Her voice was softer, calmer now. Anne was reminded of something she’d said to Cathy back when they were children, that Catalina’s voice could make the air feel quieter. Cathy hadn’t laughed, she’d just nodded. She’d known what Anne meant. Jane, Anne suspects, would nod too. Maybe even Anna.

“Catty?” She could have been eleven years old again.

Catty, I- I’m bleeding, does that mean I’m dying?

Catty, Dad isn’t answering his phone and Mum isn’t answering the door-

Catty, some girls said something to Cathy at school about her mum and she’s really upset, can you-

Catty, some girls at school said some stuff to ME and-

“Yes mija?”

“....Is Kitty ok?”

Catalina paused. “I don’t know. Don’t ask her any questions, ok? Get her something to eat, that’ll be a start. Do you think you and Cathy could suggest she sleeps at yours tonight?”

“Yeah-”

“Good. Don’t-” Catalina paused, thinking. “Can you just bring it up casually? Don’t tell her I told you to ask though.”

“No, course not.”

“Ok. Good. Good. Good.” Catalina exhaled deeply, forcing herself calm. “I’ll call Cathy in the morning, but ring me if you need anything, alright?”

“Of course.”

“Good. Oh and Anne?”

“Yeah?”

There was a hint of a smile in Catalina’s voice. “You can tell Cathy, I already knew about the drinking. And the wine.”

“No shit, really?”

“Yeah. You’re both dreadful liars.”

“Oh. Can’t believe you didn’t teach us to lie properly.”

Catalina chuckled. “Good night Anne.”

“Night.” Anne ended the call and then turned to where Cathy and Anne were sitting in subdued, drunken silence on the edge of an ornamental flower bed, leaning up against one another. Kitty was shivering in her thin dress; Cathy had an arm around her. Anne wished she had a coat to give her too.

With an effort, she made her voice as cheerful as she could.

“Ok….who wants McDonalds?”

Kitty hovered at her elbow as they made their slow, slightly stumbly work down the high street to the glowing golden arches.

“What happened? What did she say? Is she…. Am I…. Did she…?”

Anne linked her arm with Kitty’s and squeezed it, making her voice as light as she could.

“It’s all ok, Kitkat. She said you’re definitely not fired and she definitely doesn’t hate you and that-” A burst of inspiration came to her suddenly. “And to take as much time as you need recovering from your flu and she hopes you’ll come back when you’re better because we all miss you.”

There. That should be enough to smooth things over. She was rewarded with the relieved sinking of Kitty’s shoulders.

“Wow, I just….I thought-”

“It’s fine.” Cathy linked Kitty’s other arm. “Once you’re hired, you’re hired…” She paused. “Do we have to get McDonalds? I want jalapeno bites…”

“Oh no!” Anne looked genuinely shocked. “Of course we’re getting McDonalds! I want a happy meal! And so does Kit- don’t you?” She suddenly turned on Kitty. “Tell Cathy that Burger King sucks and you want a McFlurry!”

Kitty looked at her silently for a moment and then burst into giggles.

“What?” Anne looked slightly outraged, “What’s so funny? I DO want a Happy Meal!”

Cathy chuckled. “You just want one because they’re doing those animal keyrings-”

“Well OBVIOUSLY. I wonder if they’ll let me just have the red panda keyring if I slip the till person a fiver? I don’t want to get stuck with the bloody creepy lemur again... Kitty, what is so funny?”

Kitty pressed a hand to her mouth as Anne shot her an exasperated look.

“I’m sorry-” Kitty tried to swallow her laughter and failed. “Just- I was thinking about how intimidated I was when I started working with you…”

Cathy nudged her.

“I’m going to tell Catalina you’re scaring off the young staff-”

 “Fuck off Cath-”

“No!” Kitty shook her head emphatically. “Not like a bad thing! Just because...well, it was YOU-”

Anne looked mystified. “What? Kit, I am honestly totally lost here-”

“Well, obviously I googled you all when I started-” Kitty said it easily- Cathy resisted the urge to ask what Kitty had read about her. “And mostly it just came up with everyone’s facebook but you had all those articles about the scholarship thing-” 

Kitty waved an arm expansively. “It looked so cool, it said that less than one in fifty people who applied were accepted! And it said you spoke fifteen different languages! And I thought someone that clever would be really scary and a bit boring and-”

Anne blushed and shrugged. “My Sylheti is like, only conversational really, so it barely counts-”

“-and I don’t know anyone who speaks more than two languages fluently, so...yeah.” 

Anne relaxed and smiled. “Well….now you know me .”

Kitty smiled back. “I suppose I do.” She paused, and then looked embarrassed. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have told you I googled you, should I? I didn’t mean to tell you...can you both just forget it? And PLEASE don’t tell Catalina. Then she really WOULD hate me.”

Cathy exchanged an amused glance with Anne.

“Do you think she’s ready to see Catty’s twitter?”

“Hm, we’ll leave it til she’s sober.” Anne flashed Kitty a smile. “You’ll love it, it’s like 50% angry political stuff, 10% tweets to Cathy to get off twitter and go to sleep and the rest of it is just her and Jane retweeting each other…”

Kitty was wide eyed. “Jane has twitter too?! I didn’t think-”

“She doesn’t tweet much but when she does, it’s mostly pictures of stuff she’s baked, pictures of her cat….oh and a LOT of puns. That’s all she actually writes- the rest is just photos.”

“Wow!”

“If you retweet a pun she’s especially proud of, she’ll love you forever-”

“Yeah, you think she’s bad with the puns at work? She’s SO much worse on twitter-”

Kitty blushed. “I think she’s lovely-”

“She IS lovely, just….the pun thing. Anyway!” Anne flashed Kitty a smile. “I’m glad I’m not scary anymore. You’re not allowed to change your mind when you see me hungover though, ok?”

Kitty giggled and nodded. They reached the heavy glass door; Anne grinned at her and held it open with a flourish.

“Happy Meals await, ladies!”

As Kitty and Cathy passed through in front of her, Anne let her smile fade for a moment.

(Just WHAT had they gotten themselves into?)

Chapter Text

Anne was staring through the glass with the intense covetousness of the inebriated that Cathy recognised from previous post-night-out McDonalds trips. The bright button eyes of the red panda keychain stared back and Anne sighed wistfully, her hand pressed to the glass.

‘Are you ready to order?’

‘Give her a minute!’ Cathy snapped. Then she turned to Anne. ‘Seriously though, what do you want?’

The McDonalds was empty, save for them. Kitty was perched, slightly anxiously, at a table- she looked as if she wasn’t sure she was in the right place, but not sure enough of that to do anything about it. Every so often, she’d move as if to stand up and then sink back down again defeatedly when she realised she had nowhere to go.

Anne ignored her, keeping up her vigil and Cathy turned wearily to Kitty.

‘Do you know what you want Kit?’

Kitty bit her lip and looked down.

‘I’m not- hungry. I’ll just have some water, if that’s ok.’

‘You must be hungry, are you sure-’ Cathy broke off. She knew from experience- not with Kitty, but still- that it was pointless saying anything else. The more she asked, the more Kitty would entrench herself in her position.

She glanced over at Anne, wishing she could ask for help somehow. But Anne was oblivious, her face now pressed to the glass too and clearly not listening to a word.

‘Anne, have you decided yet?’

‘Get me five Happy Meals.’ Anne didn’t take her eyes off the prize. 

‘ Five?’

‘Did I stutter? YES Catherine, five.’ Finally, Anne straightened up. ‘It gives me a higher chance of getting the red panda than ordering four but less guilt about food waste than if I ordered six.’

Cathy debated the merits of arguing with a drunk Anne and decided it wasn’t worth it.

‘Fine. What do you want in them?’

‘A different thing in each one, obviously .’

‘Carrot sticks or fries?’

‘Why are you even asking me that? Who has carrot sticks?’

Anne pulled an exaggeratedly shocked face, raising a tiny smile from Kitty at the table.

‘Ok fine.’ She glanced at the youth behind the till. ‘Did you catch that, sorry? Five Happy Meals please. And if one could have the red panda toy in-’

‘Toy-selection-is-completely-random-and-customers-cannot-’

‘Yes ok we’ve all heard the speech, I still remember it from when you told us two nights ago. But you do realise she’s going to keep coming back til she gets one, right?”

The worker stared back at her impassively and Cathy gave up.

‘And I’d like some chicken nuggets-’

‘Cath! Just eat mine!’ Anne was looking at her incredulously. ‘Seriously, you know I’m not going to actually eat all that food, and you eating it will stop me having a massive guilt complex tomorrow. And Kit-’ 

She turned to Kitty, who almost shrank back. ‘I know you’re not really hungry, but can you please at least eat some of the fries and stuff? I will feel SO bad if we throw it away, and also SO sick if I try and eat it all myself…’

Kitty nodded and her shoulders relaxed a fraction. As Anne turned to grab napkins and ketchup sachets, her eyes met Cathy’s. 

She winked .

*

They were all drooping by the time they’d finished eating- Kitty had quietly accepted the hamburger Anne had pressed into her hands and devoured it so quickly that Cathy wondered when she’d last eaten. They’d all pretended not to notice when Cathy had passed her the cheeseburger too and, Cathy noticed with some satisfaction, she was looking a little less anxious at having eaten.

 It was getting late and the warmth and the quiet was having an extremely soporific effect on them all.

Cathy rested her head on her folded arms- then, her purse under her cheek vibrated and she jumped.

She glanced at the screen: Anne

She was opening her mouth to comment on it- to ask Anne why she was texting rather than taking, maybe to tease about being too far gone to talk- when she caught Anne’s very tiny shake of the head.

Kitty needs to stay over with us tonight.

She shot Anne a questioning look- anyone looking would have thought Anne was merely staring off into space as she absently petted a stray keyring lemur with one hand (Cathy was sure that the McDonalds staff were just being vindictive now) but then Anne had always been very good at texting under the table. 

Her phone buzzed again.

Catty told me we needed to keep her with us. Something’s happened.

Cathy took a deep breath.

‘Kit-’ She began. 

Kitty was drawing patterns with the tip of her finger in some spilled grains of salt.

‘Yeah?’

‘....Do you want to sleep over?’

*

Anne had shot her daggers the minute the words had left her lips; Cathy could imagine exactly what she’d say if she could.

‘Don’t ask her, you idiot! Why would you ask her?’

But she hadn’t wanted to lie or dissemble, she hadn’t wanted to trick or manipulate. Having watched Kitty be pulled this way and that, trapped and caught by Henry’s mood, had made the thought of doing anything similar feel sickening.

Kitty had blinked at her.

‘Uh- it’s ok, you don’t have to….’

It wasn’t a no or a yes; Cathy pressed on.

‘We want to!’

‘Yeah!’ Anne broke in. ‘It’ll be fun!’

Please say yes. Please please please say yes.

She wondered if this was how Catalina had felt when she and Anne had been young: Are you sure you don’t want to stay for supper mija?....Why don’t I sign off your detention slip, no need to worry your Mum when she’s so busy….Cathy’s got a spare swimming costume that she’s outgrown, why don’t I dig it out for you and Cathy can bring it to school on Monday?

There was a long moment, and then Kitty smiled, only a trifle tremulously, and nodded.

‘Ok. Alright.’

*

Cathy’s room was a mix of professor-messy and obsessively neat: photos were stuck in perfect neat rows along the walls and on the doors of the wardrobe, books were organised alphabetically on the shelves...but a haphazard pile of dog-eared tomes by the bed rather spoilt the effect and there was a large pile of clean, albeit slightly creased laundry at the foot of the bed.

“She likes to curl up in it when she’s stressed,” Anne said knowingly, following Kitty’s gaze. “When it’s fresh out of the dryer. Except she never puts it away when she’s done, so it all ends up in the nest. Used to drive Catalina nuts because it creased everything-”

“It was warm !” Cathy called defensively from where she had her head in her wardrobe, sifting through the pile of clothes dumped unceremoniously on its floor. Eventually, she emerged with a blue shirt and a pair of leggings. “They might not fit great but they’ll do for tonight.”

“Thanks...” Kitty took them and held them bundled against her chest like a teddy bear. “I don’t have to wear your stuff though, I don’t mind just sleeping in my clothes-”

Anne rolled her eyes. “As if we’d expect you to just sleep in your clothes, that would be awful!”

Kitty just shrugged shyly, and Anne wondered who in the world would let someone go to sleep uncomfortable when there were unused and perfectly adequate pajamas right there.

Or, for that matter, pajamas that weren’t really spare at all but that Cathy swore up and down she’d always hated and never wore and that Catalina promised were destined to become dusters if I didn’t agree to have them as ‘my’ pajamas for our impromptu ‘sleepovers’.

“It’s fine, honestly,” Cathy added, with a reassuring smile. “Anne wears my stuff all the time-”

Kitty smiled, but fidgeted a bit with the hem of the tshirts. “Yes but you’re-” 

She broke off and Cathy and Anne exchanged a smile. They’d seen other people attempt to decipher what exactly their relationship was.

(They’d heard them too, and giggled at it: They MUST be banging…. Yes obviously, but is it official? Are they out?.... Well they’ve been to Pride an awful lot if they’re not…..That means nothing at all, you can be at Pride and still not be out….. But they’ve had boyfriends…..Again, that means nothing!...They’re all over each other!......They might just be best friends!......They might be best friends who are also dating though…..)

“Not just now,” added Anne after a moment. She decided to take pity on the poor girl. “Like when we were kids and everything too, I’d wear Cathy’s stuff all the time. My parents never quite got their head around the fact that a sleepover wasn’t like….temporary custody or whatever.”

“Oh…” Kitty looked even more uncomfortable and Anne rolled her eyes at herself. 

Stop telling people your bloody stupid sob story about your shitty parents to make them feel more at ease! It literally never does!

“-Cathy though has more than made up for it though, you’ll be glad to hear…”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Cathy’s indignation was only slightly hampered by the fact that she was pulling an oversized emerald green hoodie emblazoned with Trust No Bitch, that even Kitty could tell had definitely not come from her own wardrobe over her head as Anne spoke. “Anyway, I can’t help that you always somehow have cozier clothes…”

“True.” Anne smirked, and then looked at Kitty.

“We’re just next door in my room, right? And the bathroom is on the other side. It’s shared but someone fucked the lock up a bit-”

“She fucked the lock up a bit-” Cathy mumbled, ripping the packing off a fresh toothbrush and making Kitty giggle.

“-so you have to jiggle it a bit,” Anne went on, valiantly ignoring Cathy’s remarks. “If you get hungry, our cupboards are the first two on the left as you go in, so help yourself to whatever-”

“-and come get us if you need anything else,” Cathy finished, handing over the toothbrush. “The Colgate toothpaste is mine, so feel free to use it.”

“Thank you.” Kitty bit her lip. “Are you sure you’re ok giving up your bed? I could sleep on the floor, I really don’t-”

“Don’t be silly.” Cathy gently wrapped her arm around Kitty’s shoulders and pressed her down onto the navy duvet. “Anne and I share all the time, so you won’t be putting me out, and Catty would honest to God flay me alive if she heard I’d made you sleep on the floor-”

“ -if Jane and Anna didn’t get to us first.” Anne finished, grinning, and at last Kitty seemed to relax. “You’re really doing us a favour, you know!”

“Ok. Thank you again.”

“Don’t mention it.” Cathy stretched and scooped up her own pajamas from the floor. “Right I’m going to sleep- you guys can stay up if you want though.”

Anne shrugged. “Nah, I’ll come too- Sure you’ve got everything you need?”

Kitty nodded. “Yes. Sweet dreams.”

“Aw that’s nice.” Anne smiled and Kitty blushed.

“My mum used to say it.”

Anne looked at her curiously. “Do you remember it?”

Kitty shook her head. “No, just...I heard that she did. So I started saying it too. I know it’s silly.”

“It’s not,” Cathy said quickly. “I like that everyone has like a different thing to say.”

“Catalina says Goodnight and God bless, ” Anne chipped in and Cathy nodded.

“And Jane says Sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs bite to like everyone-”

“That’s nice-”

“No, I mean like everyone,” Anne explained. “She’ll say it to you if we ever work a late stocktake, just wait and see. She’s said it on the phone if she has to make a late call to service people.”

Cathy chewed her lip thoughtfully.

“I wonder what Anna says…”

“She told me she said Go the fuck to sleep ….but I think she meant when she was talking to Clovis…..” Kitty answered with a laugh. Very slowly, Anne felt a tiny bit of the anxiety in her stomach start to lift.

*

She was awoken by Cathy shaking her arm.

“Anne- Anne, wake up-”

“Mmm?”

“I went to sneak back into my room to get my inhaler and-”

“You went to sleep without your inhaler again, Cathy you promised-”

-and Kitty’s sick-” Cathy went on, “I heard as I went past the door and she’s not in the bedroom. I wanted to wake you up first in case we needed two people-”

“Thanks.” Anne sat up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and reaching for a hoodie (sky blue and wearing the epitaph Eat Sleep Read Repeat’ ) to pull over her pajamas. “Poor thing…”

Cathy made a face. “As if she doesn’t already have enough to deal with.”

She and Anne had filled one another in on the situation in whispers before going to sleep.

“We need to tell Catty-”

“She already knows-”

She had  wondered what else the night could throw at them all. 

Well, it seemed she had her answer.

*

Kitty was hunched over on the bathroom floor, coughing up bile, her feet bare. 

“Hey Kit.”

Cathy immediately dropped to her knees behind her, scooping her hair back with her hands and securing it with her own scrunchie while Anne ran cold water into the tooth mug at the sink. Kitty flinched away weakly.

“Don’t, I’m gross-”

“Shhh-” Cathy gently rubbed her shaking shoulders. “It’s ok, don’t apologise-”

“-Didn’t meant to wake you-”

“Cath was awake already,” Anne reassured her, handing over the water. Kitty took a sip, rinsed out her mouth and then immediately gagged again. Cathy took the water from her.

“And besides, this isn’t anything we haven’t-”

As the words left her mouth, Anne realised that the girl was in tears.

“Oh Kitten, it’s ok.”

Cathy handed her some tissues- Kitty took them gratefully and dabbed her eyes, but her face crumpled again with a sob.

“Please don’t cry, it’s ok, we’ve all been hungover before-”

“Anne threw up on me in Freshers week and cried because she’d ruined the shoes I was wearing-”

“-and then Cathy cried too because they were shoes she’d borrowed from Catalina without asking-”

“In my defence Kit-” Cathy shuffled next to the girl and wrapped a warm arm around her shoulders. “I’d had my first tequila that night- Wow, you’re freezing. Anne give me my hoody-”

“On it-” Anne was already pulling the sweater over her head. “How long have you been out here? You should have come told us you were feeling sick!”

Weakly, Kitty tried to push the hoodie away.

“I’m fine- honestly, I’ll feel so bad if I throw up on it.”

“Well, I’ll feel bad if we let you be cold and sick-” Cathy countered, wrapping it as best she could around her. “So there.”

Kitty tried to smile.

“Thanks. For- everything. You’re really nice, I-”

She burst into tears again and Anne joined them on the floor.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry-”

“It’s ok Kitten.” With some tugging and poking, mainly aimed at Cathy, Anne got the three of them leaning up against the bathtub. Kitty sniffled. “Honestly, we’ve totally done the same thing, as has….well, pretty much everyone here. It sucks, but it’s ok, you don’t need to be embarrassed-”

“Wait til you hear some of Catalina’s drinking stories, they’re hilarious-”

“Oh my god yes, and wait til you see her and Jane drinking at the same time!”

“It is wonderful-”

Kitty smiled shakily but she still looked tense. A phone buzzed and she froze.

“Um...are you going to get that?” Cathy asked gently. “I think it’s yours…”

Kitty bit her lip- under the fluorescent lights of the bathroom, she looked paler than ever, Almost grey, Cathy thought to herself. 

She gave a tiny shake of the head.

“That’s ok-” Anne began….and then the phone buzzed again, and then again and again. The sound was oddly loud and insistant in the enclosed space….but even more strange was Kitty’s reaction. She flinched with every buzz.

“Sounds like someone really wants to get in contact…” Cathy began tentatively. Kitty nodded tightly. Her eyes were fixed on the phone lying on the bathmat.

“Maybe you should check it?”

Kitty shook her head. “No.”

“Why not?”

“...I just don’t want to.”

Anne raised an eyebrow. “Is it your boyfriend? Is he giving you a hard time because she skipped out on him at the club?”

“....No-” But Kitty’s eyes slide sideways.

“Ugh he sounds like such a douche!” Anne rolled her eyes. “Tell him you can do what you want and he can calm the fuck down!”

“Or maybe just that you felt sick or something and we had to take you home…” Cathy suggested. She was used to still-slightly-drunk Anne but Kitty, she knew, might be feeling a bit fragile.

Kitty nodded bleakly but she didn’t move to pick up her phone. 

“Is he...cross with you Kit?” Cathy asked gently. She didn’t want to make the poor girl uncomfortable and she knew she didn’t know all the details….but still, she didn’t like the thought of a cross Henry.

Kitty nodded again. A tear slid down her cheek.

“Fuck him!” Anne suddenly reached out and grabbed the phone. Kitty, seconds too late, tried to snatch it back and failed.

“Anne!”

 “He needs to just chill, it’s not the law you stay til he’s ready to go, especially when he-” Her words died in her throat.

Silently, she handed the phone to Cathy, her face white.

Cathy looked down at the screen, vaguely aware of Kitty whimpering beside her and trying to take the phone from her hands.

Evil fucking bitch, hope you like being fucking homeless, burning you stuff in the-

“Kitty….what’s this?” Cathy felt her stomach tighten with anxiety.

Kitty grabbed the phone and this time, Cathy let her take it.

“It’s nothing, ok?”

Anne sighed.

“Kit. It obviously isn’t. And I know you probably don’t want to tell us but...fuck.”

“What does he mean about you being homeless?” Cathy probed. “He sounds-”

Kitty looked between their two anxious, pressing faces and started to cry again, burying her face in her hands. Anne reached out to her. Kitty made a weak attempt to pull away and then crumpled into Anne’s arms and sobbed into her shoulder while Anne shot a panicked look over her head at Cathy.

“Come on,” Cathy murmured. “Let’s go back to my room. This is a truly awful place to talk.” She paused. “Do you think you’re going to throw up again Kit?”

Still crying, Kitty shook her head.

They waited awkwardly while she brushed her teeth again. Anne ran cold water on a washcloth and handed it to her. 

“Clean off your face and then put it on the back of your neck for a moment. It’ll help, trust me.”

“Th-thanks-”

Between them, they got Kitty back to the bedroom. She was shivering violently, despite the hoody, and Cathy couldn’t tell if it was from cold, emotion or both. She closed the door and found a box of tissues while Anne climbed up into the bed and pulled Kitty after her. Once they were all three under the covers with Kitty tucked between them and the tissues and water in her lap, Anne took a deep breath.

“Ok. I’m going to say something first, if that’s ok?”

Kitty nodded tremulously.

“So I think it’s pretty obvious you are going through something….. very bad right now- Don’t pretend you’re not,” she added, as Kitty opened her mouth. “We’ve seen the texts and seriously…even if you’re going to say that he says stuff like that all the time or whatever, it still means something bad.”

Kitty shook her head. “He’s said….stuff before, but never this bad.” Her eyes filled with tears again. “I- I’m really scared he means it. He’s got most of my things, my clothes and my school books and-”

“Hold on a second,” Cathy raised a hand. “So you’re living with him full time? What about your parents? Or- well, anyone? Does your school know?”

Kitty shrugged. “I live with my cousins, like, officially. But I haven’t actually stayed there for more than a night or so for months. I slept on the couch once or twice but Grandma doesn’t like it when I do.”

“Don’t you have a bedroom?”

“It’s George’s room now, he has his girlfriend over a lot and she doesn’t like me so-” Kitty paused. “She was one of the girls who told everyone about what happened with Mr Manox when I started secondary school. She’d heard it from George.”

Anne made a mental note to one day find out the name of this girl and beat her to a pulp. George too.

“So you’re staying with Henry?”

Kitty nodded. “Yeah. His Mum and Dad are out a lot, they work and travel and stuff, so it’s mostly just him and his little sisters. There’s an au pair for them but she doesn’t really have anything to do with us. And it’s a big house.” She sniffed. “It’s nice of him to let me stay but now…”

“Now you’re stuck,” Anne finished. “God…I can’t believe we didn’t know…”

“Why would you?” Kitty asked. Then she sighed. “I don’t know what I’m going to do- I can try and go home but….they won’t be happy and they’ll try to get me to make up with him.”

“When you explain-” Cathy began, but Kitty shook her head bitterly.

“They think he’s the best I’ll ever have, the best chance I’ve got. They’ll want me to make things ok again.”

“If you explain that you can’t-”

“Then they’ll blame me for messing things up.” Kitty’s face twisted with anguish. “He’s got nearly all of my stuff, I don’t have anything with me…” She looked at Cathy tearfully. “I really don’t want him to burn it, I-”

Cathy wrapped an arm around Kitty and drew her into her side. Kitty leant against her, sniffling.

“Ok. Here’s what we’re going to do. First-” Her mind was racing but she did her best to sound calm and confident for Kitty’s sake. Her look of hope was almost more than Cathy could bear.

“First, I’m going to let that fucker know that he’ll be dealing with the police if he so much as touches you things,” Anne chipped in helpfully. Cathy shot her a grateful look.

Kitty looked panicked.

“No! You mustn’t let him know I told you-”

“I have to.”

“No! You’ll make it worse!”

Anne shook her head. “I know it’s scary but honestly Kit, it’s the only way- the ONLY way- he’ll know he can’t do whatever he wants. He’ll think he’s free to do whatever shitty revenge attempt he wants unless he knows you’ve got people covering your back. C’mon, you KNOW I’m right.”

Kitty sat still for a minute and Cathy held her breath. Then very slowly, Kitty handed the phone over. 

“Thanks Kitten.” Anne pressed a quick kiss to the side of Kitty’s head as she took it. “I’m going to reply on my phone so he knows I’m not just you…”

Kitty wrung her hands anxiously as Anne texted furiously.

“What’s she going to say Cath?”

Cathy shook her head. “I don’t know. But really-” She looked at Kitty seriously. “You can trust her, ok? She really knows what she’s doing- I promise she won’t make it worse.”

“You don’t know Henry-” Kitty began- but before she could finish, Anne was handing Kitty’s phone back with a satisfied sigh.

“That little shit. We’ll go get your stuff tomorrow, ok Kitten?”

Kitty looked at her, wide eyed. “What did you say? What did HE say?”

Anne shrugged nonchalantly, but Cathy could tell from the sparkle in her eyes that she was pleased.

“I just asked him if he really wanted to deal with a police report at 4 in the morning and was that really worth it?”

“What did he say?”

“Threatened to get the police on me for harassment.” Anne smirked. “Your stuff is safe though- he said he had no idea why you were making such crazy claims about him and that it was disgusting that he was being treated like this after trying to help….”

Kitty widened her eyes. “I wasn’t lying, I-”

“Shhh, it’s ok.” Anne hugged her tightly. “I know, we know. It’s a good sign he’s acting like this though, believe it or not. He knows we’ve got him on the back foot.”

Cathy breathed a sigh of relief.

“Thank god. We’ll get your stuff tomorrow and then you never need to see him again if you don’t want to.”

“But…” Kitty bit her lip. “I don’t have anywhere to take it. And I don’t want to have to go back home. There isn’t….room for me there.”

Cathy half had her mouth open to protest that surely a house that had fitted Kitty before could make room for her again, before she realised what she really meant.

“Tomorrow, we’ll talk to Catalina,” she began.

Kitty shook her head furiously. “No! I can’t, she’ll be so angry with me-”

“You know she isn’t-”

Kitty didn’t look reassured at all. “She will be…” She dipped her head, embarrassed. “Jane too. I- I was so rude to them the other day. And I lied to them both. And Anna.”

“What? When?” Cathy couldn’t believe it. How had she not heard of any of this?

“A couple of days ago….”

Cathy was about to ask what she’d lied about, what had happened, when another thought struck her. Things suddenly started to make sense. 

“That’s why you weren’t at work, isn’t it? You thought they didn’t want you back?”

Kitty nodded sadly and Cathy patted her hand.

“I promise Kitty, they won’t be upset with you. Worried, perhaps….”

“We need to tell them what’s going on,” Anne agreed. “They’ll actually be able to help.”

Kitty looked utterly miserable.

“I really don’t want to.”

“I know. I’m sorry Kit.” Anne bit her lip. “But we need a proper grown up.”

Kitty reluctantly nodded but she still looked very, very anxious. Cathy shifted to look at her properly.

“I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen, but I promise, you won’t be without somewhere to stay. Ok?”

“Thanks.”

“No, seriously-” Anne broke in. “We’re not just saying it. Catalina will fix things somehow, I promise. But even without her, you have us too. We’ve got your back now, ok? You’re not just on your own anymore.”

Kitty nodded again. Cathy could see she was blinking rapidly, her mouth twitching and decided they’d probably had about as much serious talking as Kitty could take.

“So!” Anne, thinking the same thing, made herself sound more cheerful than she was feeling. “That’s sorted for tomorrow- we have a plan! And now….maybe time to try to chill a bit, before we actually begin with it? Cath, do you have your laptop- what do you think, time to introduce Kitten to the wonderful world of RuPaUl?”

“Yes!” Cathy located her laptop and then handed it to Anne. “And while you’re finding a good episode to start with…. I think I want some tea. Kitty?”

Kitty shrugged weakly. She looked a bit shell shocked. Cathy supposed it made sense, considering….well, everything .

“Maybe hot chocolate?” Anne suggested helpfully and Kitty managed a tiny smile.

“Only if it’s no trouble..”

“Of course not.” Privately, Cathy thought she’d happily make anything in the world right now if it would help. “What do you want Anne?”

“Te-” She paused and glanced at Kitty’s drawn, tense face beside her. “Hot chocolate please.” 

Cathy nodded. Kitty relaxed a tiny bit.

By the time she came back with the tray of mugs, the episode was playing quietly on the lit screen and Anne had turned out the main lights . Kitty was tucked under Anne’s arm, leaning sleepily against her shoulder, her eyes nearly closed.

Cathy passed over the drinks (hoping against hope that Kitty didn’t accidentally spill it in her drowsiness and stain her favourite bedcover) and then settled in beside them, surreptitiously wiggling her legs around until Kitty’s poor frozen feet were tucked snugly under them.

“What did I miss?”

“Jinxx Monsoon is doing Edith Bouvier-”

“Good episode.”

They watched in silence. After a while, Kitty’s breathing evened out; Cathy felt her relax against her as she drifted to sleep and a surge of protectiveness washed over her as she gently took the empty mug from her hand and placed it on the bedside table.

Get some rest, Kit. You’re going to need it.

Chapter Text

Kitty woke up to sun filtering through the half open curtains, dry-mouthed and aching. Her head pounded like a heartbeat.

The room was stuffy; Cathy and Anne felt very warm pressed close either side of her and she was too hot. Carefully, she extricated herself from the bed, climbed over the foot of it and tiptoed to the bathroom across the hall.

Running cold water into the toothpaste stained basin, she gulped a few mouthfuls from her cupped hands and then splashed her face.

She’d been trying to ignore the mirror but it was hard: her own reflection glanced up at her shyly, before slowly straightening up and staring at her full on.

She stared back, a hollow-eyed teenager in someone else’s borrowed clothes with traces of makeup around her eyes and the crease of the pillowcase across her cheek.

The stripping away of the last of her pretences the night before had felt comforting in a way at the time and falling asleep sandwiched between Anne and Cathy’s twin protection had felt safe in a way she could barely remember ever feeling before.

Now though, in the cold light of day, in the clutter of a shared bathroom and only the cold comfort of an unfamiliar and overcrowded bed to return to, she felt raw.

What am I going to do? What’s going to happen to me?

The girl in the mirror stared back helplessly.

*

She picked her way back eventually. She knew she couldn’t hide forever. Anne’s tousled head lifted sleepily from the pillow as she eased open the door.

“KIt?”

“It’s ok, go back to sleep-”

But Anne sat up, clumsily rubbing sleep from her eyes.

“What time is it?”

Kitty looked around helplessly: there wasn’t a visible clock in the room and she wasn’t even sure where her phone had ended up last night. Anne though answered her own question, magicking her watch from under the pillow and squinting at it.

“Quarter past nine. Jesus. ”

Kitty bit her lip, tensing herself. You could never quite tell how people were after a night of drinking, she knew: there was nothing quite like interrupted sleep for shortening tempers and ignoring short fuses and given that she’d been the reason they’d all been kept awake too…

You’re so fucking inconsiderate-

“I’m sorry I woke you up, you can go back to sleep-”

But Anne shook her head casually, stretching like a cat.

“Nah, I’m awake now.”

She didn’t sound annoyed but then, you could never be entirely sure…

“Cathy-” Anne leant over the sleeping curled up form of the bed’s owner. “Kit and I are going to go get some breakfast. Do you want anything?”

“....coffee-” Cathy opened one eye and then burrowed back down again, pulling the duvet over her head.

Anne chuckled.

“She’ll join us in the world of the living when she’s ready.” She glanced at Kitty. “Are you cold? Do you want a hoodie or something? It can get a bit chilly and someone always leaves a window open-”

“I can just get dressed...”

The thought of going into an unfamiliar kitchen while not fully clothed felt uncomfortably familiar but Anne shook her head.

“No one will be dressed this early. Come on.” 

Kitty took a step forward and then stopped.

“I-”

“It’s fine ,” Anne began- and then she paused and softened. “Trust me Kit, no one will mind or care. I can find you some clothes if you like but I thought you might want a shower first.”

She considered. A shower did sound good but she could also hear him, clear as day, hissing in her ear: Making yourself comfortable already? This isn’t your fucking house you know, do you think my parents, do you think my sisters want to see that shit when they’re trying to eat?

The smirk of his sister and the disapproving raised eyebrow of his mother had stung; it was so unfair , they were hardly ever all in the kitchen at the same time and Henry had come down in his boxers the day before when it had been just them and-

But she could hardly say that.

She’d mumbled an apology, trying to bite back the tears that had come easily then before he could see, before he could get angry at her ‘manipulation’, and fled from the kitchen in her pajamas feeling like the whore of Babylon, disgust for herself bubbling in her stomach, suddenly acutely aware of her rumpled hair and the fact that she hadn’t thought to clean her teeth. She’d showered the night before but from the way he’d wrinkled his nose, she’d felt sure that she must smell stale.

She’d learnt her lesson though, she’d never left the room without dressing ever again.

“Sorry-”

She wondered, too late, if Anne would be annoyed at her hesitation, her ruining of her plan- albeit a small, inconsequential one- but Anne patted her arm understandingly.

“Never mind, it’s fine. How about you shower first while I find you something to wear and wake Cathy up a bit more and then we can think about food after?”

She nodded gratefully and Anne started digging around for a towel.

“I can wear my own clothes though-”

“You can if you want, I just…” She paused. “How about I find you something in case you change your mind? You don’t have to wear them if you don’t want to. Ok?”

“....Ok.”

*

It took her awhile to figure out the water pressure but once she did, it felt wonderful. Even knowing that she shouldn’t take too long, conscious of the fact that other people were waiting, she could feel some of the tension wash away as she tipped back her head and closed her eyes.

Jesus you’re so fucking selfish, how long does it take to get ready-

A tap at the door broke her from her thoughts: cracking open the door swathed in the towel, she found a bundle of clothes: her own things from last night, plus a couple of shirts in different sizes, more leggings, underwear bundled self consciously in the middle of the pile like a shameful secret. She tried not to think about who it belonged to as she dressed- the appeal of fresh clothes was too tempting to resist. 

There was a comb and a stick of deodorant too and by the time she went back to the bedroom, she actually felt a little more human. Not like herself though. In her borrowed skin, washed with someone else’s soap and hair damp and smelling of an unfamiliar shampoo, in clothes that didn’t fit quite right, she could have been anybody.

When she returned to the bedroom, Cathy was sitting up in bed and rubbing her eyes; Anne was running a brush through her hair. Their conversation broke off at her entrance, making her want to retreat. Their smiles seemed sincere enough though.

“Kit!”

“Kitkat!”

“Did you sleep ok?”

She nodded shyly.

“Yes, fine.”

“Hungover?”

“Not much.”

Cathy made a face and nodded at a silver blister pack on the bedside table.

“That makes one of us. There’s ibuprofen if you want some.”

“I’m ok.”

“Well it’s there if you change your mind.” Cathy stretched and flopped back onto the pillows. “I don’t think I want breakfast. I’m going to shower.”

Anne grinned.

“Lightweight. I’ll make you some coffee. Kit and I can feed ourselves.” She turned to Kitty. “Let’s see what we can find.”

She’d tensed herself anxiously all the way down the corridor to the kitchen, hoping against hope that she wasn’t unwittingly breaking some rule or other, imagining an unfamiliar crowd who would eye her with suspicion and distaste and a gauntlet of agonies over where to sit and what to do…..but the kitchen, when they came to it was pleasantly deserted: a big institutional looking room with sickly green lino on the floor, sticky countertops loaded with different breakfast cereals and a big table with plastic chairs pushed back untidily around it. Several empty bottles stood by the dustbin; strong-smelling shot glasses surrounded a pile of playing cards and a half finished tray of brownies sat at the table’s centre. 

A girl sat with her back to the door, a book open in front of her and a highlighter in her hand. Kitty had assumed they’d grab something quickly and quietly and then return to the bedroom so as not to disturb her or to draw her attention to the presence of an intruder, but Anne greeted her by name casually and started to clatter around making coffee as if there was nothing amiss.

Kitty hovered in the doorway, and after a moment Anne turned to her and gestured to the table.

“Come sit down Kit. I’ll find us food in a minute. I need to put Cathy’s coffee on first or she’s going to kill me-”

The girl smirked.

“You English girls and your hangovers…”

“Hey we can’t all have your strength.”

The girl snorted. “It’s not strength. Just not being a pussy.”

The word made Kitty’s stomach clench.

Henry had turned to ice when one of his friends had thrown the insult at him, laughingly, casually.

“What the fuck did you just say?”

His voice had been soft, dangerous- the sort of quiet that comes before an explosion.

“....Nothing.”

He’d made him wait- he’d made them all wait- for just a fraction of a second longer than was bearable.

“Thought not.”

He’d got him later, of course. Kitty had heard the boy had needed stitches, although that might have been a rumour.  

Anne though just laughed .

“C’mon Kit, sit!”

The girl twisted around in her seat- despite her scornful words to Anne, her smile was warm and friendly.

“Yes come and sit. The chairs are clean, I promise. Unlike most things in here.”

Gingerly, Kitty perched on the edge of one of the chairs.

“Did Anne take you out too?”

“Yes.”

 The girl pushed the tin of brownies towards her- as if it didn’t even matter, as if Kitty had every right to her food.

“Here. The sugar will make you feel better. Probably.”

Are you eating AGAIN? You’re hungry? You’re always fucking hungry, you’re going to get huge you know-

“Go on, I have lots!”

It would have been ruder to refuse.

I paid for this, do you expect it all just to go to waste now? How am I meant to remember what you like, you’re so picky; God, you’re so ungrateful!

Kitty took one and nibbled it tentatively.

“Good?”

She nodded. It was good. She took a big bite and then another. Crumbs showered the table and she froze for a second but neither of them seemed to mind.

Anne rolled her eyes.

“I was going to impress Kit by making her a delicious breakfast and you’ve ruined it!”

“You have no food Anne.”

“....True. I forgot to go food shopping. Can I have a brownie?”

The girl handed Kitty the tray to pass to Anne. 

“Help yourself.” She turned to Kitty. “So how long are you visiting?”

“Um- just- just tonight I think.”

The question hadn’t sounded angry but she couldn’t hear it as anything other than impatient: how long are you staying, how long will you be here, when are you going to move on?

“We’ll see-” Anne shot her a quick, reassuring smile and she tried to smile back.

“That’s a shame.” She seemed to mean it, weirdly. “Are you at college? You look too young for uni. No offence or anything.”

“Nah she’s a baby.” Anne answered for her. “GCSEs. Cath and I are leading her down the dark path of corruption already.”

The girl laughed.

“Have fun with that. What time is it by the way?”

“Just after ten.”

“Argh. I have to go get ready. Nice to meet you Kit.” She gave a little wave and then sloped out.

“She seems….nice.”

“Yeah she is. Good baker too.” Anne started to pour coffee into mugs. “Can you grab the milk? Second shelf.”

Kitty passed it over.

“You know, she had a difficult family set up too,”Anne said after a moment, with studied casualness. “Came halfway around the world to shake them off.”

“That’s sad.”

“It’s ok. She’s happy, she’s found her people now.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. People usually do.”

“Mm.”

“Anyway. Just thought you should know. There’s a few of us like that here, in case you haven’t noticed.” Anne paused. “Sugar?”

“Yes please.” 

Anne dunked a spoon of sugar into a pink mug and passed it over, balanced her half eaten brownie on top of her mug and then picked up Cathy’s too.

“Let’s go back.”

Kitty followed.

*

She knew they’d be going to the cafe- the cafe rather than a flat or a house- without having to ask and she didn’t have the energy to resist. She dreaded the inevitable confrontation, and the cafe had felt vaguely off limits to her since she’d run from it, but it was still familiar. Even if she had no claim to it anymore, she felt more at home there than the Halls.

They walked in increasingly tense silence and the wind whipped leaves and empty crisp packets around their ankles.

As they rounded the corner to the cafe, she felt Cathy and then Anne take a hand each. Although most of her knew it was meant to be comforting, a little voice in her brain told her it was to keep her from running away.

The cafe was closed- the shutters were still closed over the windows, the display still packed away for the night. She knew it was because of her and felt sick.

Look at all the trouble you’ve caused, look-

Cathy’s hand squeezed hers gently, tugging her forward.

‘C’mon. Let’s get it over with. It’ll all be ok, I promise.’

She’d been promised lots of things before though.

It won’t hurt, I won’t hurt you, you’ll like it I promise, I won’t be angry-

Catalina must have been looking out for them- she darted out of the back room the second the door was opened but managed to stop herself a few feet away.

“Hello Kitty.”

Her hands were twisting anxiously and Kitty realised with a jolt that Catalina was just as anxious as she was.

“Hi.” 

Her mouth was dry.

Catalina took a deep breath.

“I’m so, so glad you’re ok mija. We’ve been so worried. When Anne called….I almost fainted.”

She didn’t sound angry, she sounded sincere, but Kitty could feel the guilt roll her stomach anyway. She hoped she wasn’t going to throw up.

“Shall we sit down?” Cathy asked quickly and Catalina nodded.

“Jane’s here too. I- we both want to help. Is- is that alright? If she comes to talk too?”

Does it matter? Do I have a choice?

She nodded.

“That’s ok.”

Anne walked over the sofas and she followed woodenly. Common sense told her that it wasn’t a punishment or an interrogation but it felt like one anyhow.

Catalina went to fetch Jane, who rushed over to hug her immediately; Kitty flinched without meaning to and Jane pulled herself back.

“Oh! I’m sorry love, I’m just so glad to see you….in one piece.”

She tried to smile, awkwardly.

She ended up sitting between Cathy and Anne, like protective guards either side, Jane and Catalina across from them. There was a pot of tea and cups on the table but no one made a move to pour it out.

There was an awkward pause.

“So!” Jane’s voice sounded over loud and over bright and even she winced at the sound of it. “So,” she repeated more soberly. “I know this can’t be easy Kitty. And we really appreciate you coming back.”

“I’m really sorry that I- I lied.” The words were like sawdust, thick and heavy in her mouth.

“It’s alright, we understand.” Jane almost fell overself to reassure. “Don’t we?”

Catalina nodded.

“I promise, you have nothing to be sorry for, nothing at all. We just want to help. What’s going on now….it just doesn’t seem very safe. Or stable.”

The words made her feel sick.

“Do you know-”

“We didn’t tell them anything,” Anne cut in quickly. “Not a word. Just that something bad had happened and that we were coming over to work it all out together. I promise.”

It should have been comforting to hear but it wasn’t; it just reminded her that she’d have to tell them everything right from the start, and she had no idea where to start.

She bent at the waist, huddling over herself, trying to think clearly. Her head started to pound again.

“Shall I tell them?” Anne asked after an awkward moment and she nodded, feeling relieved. “Can I show them the texts?”

She thought about it….and then nodded again, her eyes on the borrowed canvas shoes she was laced into. Easier to show them the proof right away, before doubt could take root and bloom into full on disbelief.

“Last night,” Anne began, “Kitty got these. From her boyfriend. She’s been staying with him for….how long Kit?” 

It was easier to answer direct questions; she didn’t look at anyone.

“Nearly a year.”

“And where were you living before that?”

“Grandmother Tilney’s. With my cousins and- there are some other people there too.” 

She didn’t feel up to explaining it all: cousins and nieces and nephews and friends of cousins and friends-of-friends.

“Didn’t anyone….mind? Or notice? Henry’s parents?”

“It’s a big house.”

  He’s from money, he has a big house, a car- where are you going to get better than that? Do you really think you could do better?

“And last week….” Catalina probed gently. “What happened there? You looked like you’d been outside all night.”

She opened her mouth to say that of course she had, that she’d already admitted that- and then she closed it again. Of course the rest of the story was suspect after one detail had been called into question.

She took a deep breath.

*

Henry had been on study leave but she was still having to go in every day- she’d jerk awake the minute her alarm buzzed and silence it so as not to disturb him, then collect her uniform, dress as quietly as she could and slip out of the house with her bookbag, silent as a ghost.

He could sleep in but she was getting tired- he’d taken to staying awake most of the night, taking full advantage of his parents absence to play his music as loud as he wanted. His friends took full advantage of the freedom- the whole house reverberated with the noise from the speakers, their loud, brash laughter, the occasional bursts of gunfire from the television screen. 

She’d tried her best to go along with it, to be fun, to be cool like he wanted- she’d laughed at the jokes even when she didn’t get them, even when she did (louder, to cover any hint of displeasure that might show on her face, that he might notice and be angry about later), she allowed his hands to slide all over her as his friends sniggered, her smile frozen on her face, perched in his lap like a mannequin. They at least never touched her- she knew Henry wouldn’t have allowed that- but their eyes were almost as bad. She knew they were only looking but there was something lascivious about it that made her want to scour herself clean.

She’d drunk from the cups he pushed at her, held herself back from the pizza and snacks they always had, even when her head felt swimmy and light, she’d done everything and yet somehow it wasn’t enough and slowly, she’d begun to falter, to fail.

Like a school report: Has Ability; Must Try Harder. Katherine does not work to her full potential.

Her laughter became weaker, her reactions slower. He caught her watching the clock, willing the time to pass and even as she could tell it angered him, she couldn’t stop. She was just so tired of it all.

He made a joke out of it with his friends, her slowness, her dullness and they laughed as they always did.

(When they were alone, there was no more laughing and not much talking. Showing him she was sorry took longer and longer now, the physical pleasure she’d felt in the early days of their relationship and looked forward to exploring became a distant memory.)

One of them didn’t laugh. Tom was one of Henry’s oldest friends, a friend from childhood. Kitty knew it was true- Henry kept a framed photo of the two of them in identical football strips from some kiddie league on his wall- but he’d told her about it himself too.

Tom didn’t laugh and he didn’t look either. Sometimes he’d change the subject when Henry was getting irritated with her, with a joke or a comment that would distract him. Sometimes it didn’t work, but sometimes it did and she would feel weak with relief.

He didn’t try to talk to her in front of the others but there’d be moments- fetching more beers from the kitchen, or going to answer the door, and he’d follow her with a pile of plates or an excuse, and they’d glance at one another and smile slightly awkwardly.

They were both awkward and the knowledge of it soothed and thrilled her: how good it felt to not be on the backfoot, how good it felt to know that they felt the same. Once, her hand brushed his reaching for a bottle and when she looked up at him, his cheeks were flushed pink like a boys.

It made her feel almost tender towards him; she’d never made anyone blush before.

She started to hope for his visits- somehow, all was more bearable with him in the room, a silent ally. Once, she made the mistake of looking at him as Henry pulled her against him- the pity in his face froze her and, sure Henry would notice, she’d looked away. She was sure that anybody would be able to read the intimacy in it all….but somehow, unbelievably, no one did and so she started to search him out when she was struggling. 

Now, she watched his face instead of the clock and unlike the clock, he looked back, the quirk of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, softness in his eyes.

His eyes were gentle, but quick for all that: they noticed things, she realised.

They’d been exchanging looks for weeks before he spoke to her directly.

“Are you alright?”

She’d shrugged and carried on putting cups in the dishwasher, not sure how to respond but somehow excited anyway.

“I’m sorry that he’s…..like this with you. He’s not a bad guy really.”

“I know.”

That was the painful truth of it- she knew he wasn’t. Attractive, attentive, intelligent, diligent, hardworking, witty….the problem wasn’t that Henry was a bad guy exactly.

If anything, that made it worse.

You’ll never find anyone like him again, you know you won’t.

They started getting braver, they could exchange comments now, quietly.

I’ve never liked Ariana Grande….Then you’ve got terrible music taste.

Can you roll your tongue? ………...Of course I can, can’t everyone?

It’s Daylight Saving Time tomorrow.……….Ooh an extra hour in bed!

They didn’t say anything important but it didn’t matter: he never rolled his eyes at her, he didn’t sneer or get impatient.

And then she got a headache.

It wasn’t anything especially out of the ordinary but this one had been especially bad. Tom had noticed her wincing and when she’d had to rush to the bathroom to be sick, cheeks burning with humiliation, he’d waited until Henry had looked in on her and left and then come in himself.

You’re like a fucking puppy. It stinks. You’re disgusting, you know that right? They’re all laughing at you downstairs.

Kat, are you alright? 

Without really knowing what was going on, she’d allowed him to help her up and swill her mouth with mouthwash.

Up you get, come on.

She’d been grateful for his gentle hands and his supporting arm as she wobbled down the corridor to Henry’s bedroom. The light was too bright.

She’d been grateful for him- so grateful that she couldn’t bear it. He’d pulled back the duvet, fixed her pillows and then smoothed her forehead with cool fingers- the gentleness had nearly made her cry.

Shhhh, it’s alright-

She’d swallowed the tears but he was still soothing, still shushing her.

Shhhhh, it’s all going to be alright-

His hand on her forehead was stroking more slowly now, her eyes were drifting shut-

Shhhhh-

His fingers grazed her thigh, slipping under the duvet, under her skirt, under-

Shhhh-

Chapter Text

She had to brace herself before she looked up and she was glad she had: it was hard to believe that their looks of mingled horror and disgust weren’t at her rather than on her behalf.

Cathy looked sick; Anne was biting her nails. Catalina, though, looked oddly calm- she nodded when Kitty finished, her face as neutral as if she’d been listening to the weather report.

“Thank you for telling us mija. That must have been hard.”

It was funny- she didn’t sound cold by any length, but Kitty found there was something upsetting in her calm. She was used to people looking at her with shock: outright distaste, sideways glances and curling lips, Oh my god, oh that’s disgusting- but now, she realised complacency was worse , as if Catalina expected no better of her.

An old phrase of Grandmother Tilney’s floated, unbidden, to the front of her mind, like scum rising to the top of a foetid pond: She’s no better than she ought to be.

She took as deep a breath as she could manage, digging her nails into her palm.

Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

“It’s- he- nothing actually….happened. He didn’t- he only touched me.”

It felt ridiculous that something that hadn’t even happened could still make her want to sob and scream her throat raw- it had been a possibility, nothing more.

“That doesn’t matter-”

“There was no excuse for him to-”

“It still counts as assault Kit, you know that right?”

The indignation in their insisting, clamouring voices should have buoyed her up but instead, it just sounded hectoring: she wanted to apologise for saying it wrong.

Catalina’s hand touched her arm gently- she leant close, her voice quiet.

“Are you alright to carry on mija? Do you need a break?”

She wondered if people in the throws of vomiting up their guts or screaming in agony at some horrific wound ever got asked that: Is it too much? Would you like to take a break? We can stop if you like!

With wild, rising hysteria, she wondered what would happen if she said yes- business as usual? Would Catalina begin to chalk up the specials for the day, would Jane pop into the back to take the loaves out of the proving drawer and then come back to listen to more? The thought almost shook a giggle out of her.

“I’m ok.”

“What happened next Kitty?”

“I- I pushed him-” She could feel an almost imperceptible shift in the room, loosening of shoulders, a silent exhale. It was a reminder, again, that really nothing happened: that this was the better ending, the one in which the princess escaped the monster just in time. 

(Except that the princess was already soiled and used and ruined; it had been that that had drawn the monster close, she knew, and who was to say she’d be lucky the next time?)

“I pushed him away…”

It took her a second to connect touch to thought and thought to movement and even then for a half second, she did not move, willing, wishing it not to be true, scrambling for some explanation that would make everything ok again.

(His hand slipped, it was a mistake, he didn’t realise where he was….. He’ll pull away, embarrassed, and-)

But he didn’t, and when she glanced at his face, it didn’t look ashamed or even oblivious, there was a satisfaction to his expression, a glimmer of the look she’d seen before in Henry’s eyes of something going just exactly according to plan…

She’d reared up, out of the bed, pushing away the duvet, her face flushed.

“What- I-”

She couldn’t talk, she couldn’t find words for what she wanted to say: How could you, how could you, how could you-

Except even they did not work because she knew, with sickening clarity, exactly  how he could: he wanted to and so he did, he saw what he wanted and took it, and, stupid, oblivious and trusting, she’d somehow failed to realise that what she had taken to be the opening of an escape in their smiles and shared glances, really, he’d just been creating an opening for himself.

“And how did he react?”

Cathy was squeezing her hand so hard it hurt- when did she take her hand? Jane blinked a little more than necessary.

She was suddenly hyper conscious of what she was saying, as if she’d only just realised that they were listening.

“He...he was really upset. Hurt.”

That had been the worst part, the wounded look on his face, as if it had been her who was the betrayer.

“He said he didn’t understand why I’d been leading him on, he said that he thought I wanted it too because I’d- because I’d gone to bed with him-”

She wanted to explain quickly, before they could jump to conclusions, that he’d been referring to her lying down in the bedroom, that really, she hadn’t done anything else honestly- but Anne cut her off, her face screwed up.

“That bastard.” 

There was real bitterness and Kitty felt the sting of it, even though she knew it wasn’t directed at her. She felt, as always, the need to explain, to exculpate.

“He thought I liked him too-”

“So he thought you’d be cool with him sticking his fingers-”

“Anne!”

Catalina’s voice was unexpectedly sharp and Kitty found herself flinching. To her surprise, Anne didn’t argue; she shot Kitty an apologetic glance.

“Sorry.”

Why is she apologising to me?

“What happened then?”

The next part was harder, as she’d known it would be. Somehow, the fact that nothing had happened made it worse , all of that for nothing -

Going downstairs….because of course there was nowhere else TO go. Shaking, trying to staunch the tears that wouldn’t stop leaking from her eyes, swiping furiously at her cheeks and trying to take deep breaths, hoping Henry wouldn’t notice.

Halfway down the stairs, he turns and grabs her arm.

“You’re not going to say anything, are you?”

She doesn’t respond, but only because her mind is fuzzy: of course she won’t tell anyone, why would she tell anyone?

His grip tightens.

“I get that you’re not into me or whatever but you shouldn’t have led me on like that you know?”

There’s a hint of worry in his voice, behind the chiding.

She shakes her head and now his voice is gentler, sadder, sorrier.

“Honestly Kat-”

Perhaps he will apologise for it all, she hopes wildly, perhaps they can somehow go back to how they were, as if that will make the memory of this go away and this time, the dirty feeling will wash off like she always hoped it might-

“It’s not fair, for you to do that….. It isn’t right.”

He shoots her a sad, regretful smile as he goes back into the living room.

Numbly, she follows him.

“I was so scared he was going to say something but-” she swallows hard, “Henry realised what was going on as soon as we walked in, he saw that I’d been crying.”

The next part was a blur. 

Shouting, some of it Henry’s and some of it Thomas’s, Henry gripping her arm and shaking her like a ragdoll before pushing her away from him so hard that she stumbled and fell onto the sofa, the arm scraping her back. Bright blood looking almost black against Thomas’s blue shirt. Being thrust, suddenly from the hall into the cold outside air, their breath steaming, wrapping her arms around herself and being too frightened to even really explain…

“What you told us…” Jane began, gently, “what you told us about your father…? Was that what-”

She nodded, quickly, before Jane could say any of it: she didn’t want to hear those same stinging, shaming invectives from Jane’s mouth.

“Oh love. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright.”

She shrugged off the sympathy before it could bring the tears that were already pricking at the back of her eyes.

“So then you were out all night? And came here?” Catalina pushed the conversation forward and Kitty nodded, gratefully.

“What happened after? Where did you go?”

“School. They’re used to people being late and not having the right stuff.”

“You must have been so-”

“Yeah.”

It came out brusquer than she had intended but they didn’t look upset, thank goodness.

Yes, I was cold, yes I was tired, yes I was hungry. 

“Didn’t anyone notice?”

The incomprehension on Jane’s face actually made her smile a little. Of course, she thought, Jane would notice someone coatless and hungry and dishevelled and of course, to her, this would result in some sort of action: money lent, a sandwich, a coat. She thought of the cardigan Jane had tried to insist she wear home from work once on an especially cold day, how she’d had to refuse again and again.

She knew that they wouldn’t understand but she tried to explain anyway.

“People...do notice, but it usually just makes the teachers suspicious. Because if you’re looking scruffy, then it means you’re breaking a rule and that makes them think you’re maybe doing it on purpose, so they want to remind you of it-”

Without a tie again Katherine? That’ll be a detention.

If you miss another homework, I’m going to sending a letter home-

Smarten yourself up girl, you’re in a classroom, not your boudoir-

(The last one had drawn a laugh from those of the class who were listening; she knew it was for boudoir as much as anything, and wished the teacher could have just said bedroom instead-)

“That’s terrible, they should want to help.”

Kitty shrugged. How to explain conditional help to someone who gave it so freely?

“They do….they say they do. But they get cross because they can’t, so they decide it’s just all your fault anyway.”

She remembers how quickly the sympathetic offers to ‘have a talk if anything is worrying you’ had turned to weary sighs and raised eyebrows. 

“What do you expect us to do about it?” “They only do it because you let them see that it bothers you-” “Just stay away from them-” and finally “You have to make an effort to fit in too”.

Jane shook her head sadly but next to her, Cathy and Anne were nodding as if they understood.

“Oh yes,” Cathy’s voice was more bitter than Kitty had ever heard it before. “Much easier to just decide that it’s not their problem than admit there’s anything to fix in the first place.”

“They only want to help if they know it’s something that can be done and dusted hy hometime,” Anne chipped in. “Anything more complex than that and it’d become too much of a hassle.”

It surprised her to hear her own thoughts voiced so clearly and so casually; even Catalina quirked her lips as if she knew exactly what they meant. Only Jane continued to look rather painfully disillusioned.

“Where did you go after that?”

She knew the next part was going to be hard; she fought to keep her voice steady.

“I- I- ah-” She considered lying for a moment, her humiliation was so great. “I went home. Slept on the sofa for a night. They were-” She sucked in a breath. “They weren’t….happy to see me. They let me stay the one night and then they said I should go and apologise.”

“They said you should apologise to him?”

She nodded, trying to sound casual but the crack in her voice betrayed her.

“They said I’d be an idiot to throw something like that away. I wasn’t planning on talking to him, he’d been so angry and I didn’t know WHAT I was going to do but….he found me at school the next morning, almost straight away.”

“Do you know how humiliating that was for me? You storming off like that after everything as if you didn’t give a shit about me? I nearly called the police, I had no idea where you were!” His hands were a vicelike grip on her wrists. “Don’t ever do that to me again. It’s fucked up, it’s manipulative, making people worry about you like that....”

She’d apologised, of course, like she always knew she would. They never spoke about Thomas, she didn’t dare ask.

That night, she’d had a lot of making up to do, and she’d been bruised and sore the next morning. And the next evening too, because it turned out that the making up was going to take longer than she’d thought…

“And then he made you come out with him too?” Anne finished.

Kitty nodded. She wondered if the others would judge her- from an outside perspective, it looked and sounded like naievte of the most stupid sort, to walk right back into the lions mouth.

“I didn’t have anywhere else to go,” she tried to explain and Catalina waved a hand dismissively.

“Of course you didn’t- you only did what anyone else would have done in the same situation. That doesn’t at all mean that you were doing anything wrong or that you deserved anything.”

Kitty wanted to ask how Catalina knew exactly what she had been thinking.

“Now I don’t have anywhere to go at all.”

She’d wanted it to sound casual and funny and detached, the sort of line that a tough streetwise girl character in a film would say with an arched eyebrow and a world weary sigh. Except she wasn’t worldweary, she was just tired. Too tired, and too sad and sore and frightened to be able to pull off dry wit: her voice wobbled dangerously and it sounded so pathetic, even to herself, that all at once, the horrible precariousness of her situation hit her and she burst into tears.

“Oh Kitty. Oh love.”

This time when Jane reached for her, she didn’t have the energy to pull away. She could hear movement and conversation around her but she couldn’t really tell what was going on- Jane’s arms were around her, somehow her face had ended up buried in Jane’s shoulder and it was such a relief to be held by someone who she was absolutely sure wasn’t going to try to unhook her bra at the same time or stick their hand up her skirt that she was in no hurry at all to pull away.

For a long moment, she let herself sink into Jane’s embrace, let herself pretend for a second that she was young enough that problems could be kept at bay by a warm pair of arms, before trying to pull herself together. It actually took longer than she thought it would- somehow, the tears just wouldn’t stop. Still, Jane to her credit didn’t make any sign of being impatient, just kept on gently rubbing slow circles on Kitty’s back and murmuring that it was ok love, it’s going to be ok.

By the time she was able to reluctantly pull back enough out of Jane’s embrace to sit up properly, the group had dispersed a little and she and Jane were the only ones at the table now.

“Where did the others go?”

Her face felt swollen and her voice was croaky with tears. Jane smoothed back some strands of hair from her wet cheeks.

“Catalina is on the phone and Anne and Cathy are hunting you up some tissues and water. Do you feel any better now?”

“A little bit.”

She missed the feeling of being held but she knew she couldn’t just burrow back into Jane’s arms even if she wanted to. She settled for sitting back on the sofa- she was pleasantly surprised that Jane settled in close beside her, on hand resting on Kitty’s arm. Kitty could feel the warmth of it through her borrowed hoody.

Cathy came back into the main seating area and put the glass of water and box of tissues down in front of her. Kitty wiped her face self consciously.

“Thanks. Sorry.”

“Oh god please don’t be sorry.” Cathy pulled a face. “You’ve been through so much, I think if anyone has earnt the right to cry, it’s you.”

“That’s right,” Jane added. “You’re certainly not the first one of us to have things get on top of you either. We might not understand exactly what you’re going through….but we all feel for you.”

“Catalina and Anne will be back in a second,” added Cathy, plopping down in Jane’s old seat. “They’re calling Anna.”

Kitty’s stomach squeezed at the thought of having someone else involved.

“Why?”

Cathy leant over and squeezed her hand.

“It’s ok, it’s not like...just to gossip or anything, I promise. We just thought, since you were...kind of having a moment, we should make a start on getting your stuff back.”

She shook her head.

“I don’t have anywhere to- to take it. I can’t go home and-”

“It’s alright love.” Jane wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “We’re going to get that sorted out too.”

“We thought it was better to sort out the...more time-sensitive thing first,” Cathy added. “Make it so you don’t have to have anything more to do with that bastard.”

Kitty bit her lip, imagining herself weighed down with bags and trying to drag them around the streets. How would that work? Would she have to take them to school? What if she lost one? They weren’t even proper luggage bags- she’d stuffed things haphazardly into supermarket carriers when leaving home but she’d only had to carry them to the boot of Henry’s car and he’d carried some for her too.

“Can I…” She felt awkward asking but she had to, she couldn’t think of another way this would work. “Could I leave some of them here, do you think? Just while I’m finding somewhere,” she hurried to explain, “just so I don’t have to carry them around with me-”

Jane’s eyes widened.

“Sweetheart, I meant we’re going to get you your stuff and then find you somewhere to stay today. As in, all of us. We’re not going to leave you to just wander from place to place, we’re going to make sure you get somewhere sorted out and settled.”

“But what if you can’t find somewhere? What if-”

“Well it might have to be temporary, while we look for something more long term, but we’ll definitely make sure you’re somewhere safe, alright?”

Cathy interrupted.

“If you have to stay with Anne and I another night- and we’d love to have you, by the way,- or anywhere else that you can’t keep all your things, Catalina absolutely would let you keep things here if you needed to. Absolutely and no question.”

Kitty relaxed a little. That was one thing sorted out at least. Then her previous question returned to her.

“Why Anna?”

“She’s very good at this sort of thing,” Anne explained, wandering in from the back room. She gestured with her head. “Catalina is just saying goodbye. Anna’s on her way. Don’t worry Kit, we’ll have your stuff back.”

“I don’t want to cause Anna trouble too-”

Cathy laughed.

“Kit, Anna would KILL us if we didn’t let her help.” She softened at the stricken expression on Kitty’s face. “Honestly, it’s ok. We all help each other out all the time- you’ll have a chance to help us out in the future, i promise.”

Kitty managed a shaky smile and scrubbed at her eyes again.

Catalina came out of the back room holding her phone.

“Kitty? Anna was asking if you’re ok to have a quick word with her, if you’re feeling up to it? She said it’s fine if not.”

She didn’t want to really- she couldn’t imagine what she’d say- but she also couldn’t face the idea of having to have Catalina explain that she’d turned the call away on her behalf, so she got up and Catalina brought the phone to her.

As soon as she’d pressed it to her ear, she could hear Anna’s warm, rich voice on the other end.

“Hey Katzchen.”

“Hey.”

“So I’ll be over soon, but I just wanted to quickly check on how you’re holding up…” There was a pause. Kitty tried to find an answer that wouldn’t make her cry all over again and couldn’t.

“That good, huh?” Anna’s voice was soft and teasing and very, very gentle. “Listen, I wasn’t sure how much you wanted me involved in all this but honestly, me and Clovis will probably be the best and quickest option to get your shit. Catalina didn’t tell me any details or anything but she gave me to understand that time was sort of of the essence, so I’m going to come over now and we’re going to go get your things. After that, I’m happy to go or stay, depending on how much company you’re up to.” She paused. “Anyway, I should get going but I just wanted to fill you in so you know what’s going on. Hang in there ok, schatzi?”

“Ok.” 

Anna hung up and she handed the phone back to Catalina.

“Thank you.”

“I hope you don’t mind too much- I thought it would save trouble to call Anna myself and honestly, she’s very good at this sort of thing.”

(Kitty wondered what exactly this sort of thing entailed. It did make her feel slightly better to know that she wasn’t the only one who needed to be rescued.)

*

Anna pulled up with a screech of tires; Kitty could hear Clovis barking and Anna scolding him in German to stay.

She’d prepared herself for awkwardness but Anna was matter of fact, as if this was something everyday and not the sort of shameful scandalous event that only problem girls got themselves into.

“Right Katzchen, where are we headed?” She glances around the cafe. “Anyone else coming?”

“Just me.” Anne stood up. “We didn’t want too much of a crowd, but-”

“Muscle and wit and maturity all in one? Sounds like a plan!” Anna hugged Cathy to her with one arm and waved to Jane.

Jane drew Kitty to her and hugged her tightly too. “It will be alright, soon it will be over. Try not to worry too much, ok? You’re in good hands.”

Kitty did her best to believe her’ she nodded shakily, not trusting herself to speak.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence Janey.” Anna blew her a kiss and then clapped her hands together.

“Shall we get going?”

**

The journey, aside from Kitty giving Anna the address and Anne remarking that Anna’s car seemed to get more dilapidated every time she got in it, was rather silent. Anna’s hands were tight on the steering wheel.

Anne- forgoing the front seat to sit with Kitty in the back- sat too straight, one knuckle tapping a pattern on the glass. Clovis stuck his nose out of the couple of inches of rolled down window, his tail wagging ecstatically. Kitty wished he would whine, fuss, do something that would require her and Anne to soothe him. She wished that Anna would ask for directions, that something would need to be done. At the same time, she winced at car horns and the roar of a passing motorcycle- one word, she was sure, would break her nerves like a snapped string.

As they got closer, Anne reached over and took Kitty’s hand in her own. Anne’s palm was sweaty but her face was set and calm. Kitty could feel a tremor growing in the pit of her stomach- growing and growing until she was shivering with nerves.

Anna glanced at her in the rearview mirror.

“Ok Katzchen?”

She nodded.

“So when we get there, we’ll all go to the door together. Kitty, if you would like to talk first, then you can but if you would rather, Anne and I are more than happy to tell Henry what is what.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Just explain that we’re getting your things- all of your things- and that it would be better for him if he doesn’t try to stop us. Hopefully that will be enough, but if not….” Anna reached out and patted Clovis. “If not, well, we have backup.”

“What if he’s gotten rid of everything already?” The question tears itself free involuntarily; her voice sounds too loud in the quiet car and she wants to bite out her own tongue after saying it, as if saying it might make it happen.

Anne squeezes her hand even tighter but Kitty pulls herself free. Anna glances back at her.

“I don’t think he will have done, Schatzie.”

“But-”

“Not because I think he’s too nice or anything,” Anna adds. “Not because I believe in his better nature or anything like that. Just because- well, it’s not even eleven yet. He was out last night, and texting Anne….pretty late, from what I heard?”

Kitty nodded tensely.

“So,” Anna went on, “it’s been less than twelve hours. Boy’s gotta sleep. And from what you’ve told me, he’s not an early riser, OR the sort to put in too much effort. So it’s very unlikely he will have gotten it together to get rid of your stuff in a way we can’t get back. Ok?”

She’d been ready to argue against the empty reassurances she’d expected, but this more prosaic comfort actually helped to calm the anxiety gnawing her stomach.

“What do you mean?”

Beside her, Anne shrugged.

“Well, if he’s just thrown your stuff in the bin, we can get it out. If he’s taken it to a charity shop even, it’s unlikely they’ll have even had a chance to unpack the bags- and he won’t have had time to go to more than one yet.” 

“And if he’s….done anything else…?”

“Then,” Anna set her jaw, “then he will seriously regret it.”

When Anne takes Kitty’s hand again, she lets her.

Chapter Text

By the time they pulled up, Anne could feel Kitty trembling next to her, her face white and set.

“It’s going to be ok Kitkat. We’ll be back in the cafe drinking cocoa and eating all of Jane’s shortbread before you know it.”

Kitty quirked up the corners of her lips in a tired approximation of a smile and Anna twisted around.

“You both ready?”

“Yeah.”

“Kit? We can wait as long as you need to, ok? If you want to sit in the car for a bit and just sort of ready yourself, that’s fine. We’re not in a rush or anything.”

Kitty bit her lip. Part of her wanted to beg Anna to turn the car right around- but she also knew that if she did, she really would be without anything and she’d have wasted their time and maybe they’d take back what they said about helping her and-

“It’s ok. I’m ready.”

“Ok. Now, hopefully we can do this with a minimum of fuss alright? But Katzchen, I promise that no matter what happens, he can’t hurt you anymore. We’re not going to let that happen, ok?”

She waited for Kitty’s nod.

“Anne- take my lead, right?”

Anne nodded too and Anna held her gaze for a long moment.

“I mean it- no matter what he says or does. I want to keep you both safe and part of that means not letting you get yourself into….well, anything. You know Catalina would never forgive me.”

“I promise.” Anne looked slightly rebellious but resigned too, and Kitty wondered if they’d had a variation of this discussion before. 

“So game plan. I think it’s probably best if Anne helps you pack Kitty, ok? Me and Clovis will stay downstairs and make sure you have all the time you need. No need to rush. Obviously give a shout if you need anything though.”

“Anna?”

“Yeah?”

“What if….” Kitty bit her lip. “What if he tries to- to hurt you?”

“I can handle myself.”

“No but-” She fidgeted with her sleeve. “I don’t want you to- he’ll be really angry, you don’t know what it’s like.”

“Kit, remember that story I told you about the guy who wouldn’t stop hitting on Bessie?”

“Yeah?”

“That’s what I’ll do to him if I have to. Also though, as much as he’ll probably want to, I don’t think he’ll dare. Clovis can be pretty fierce when he needs to be.”

Kitty really hoped she was right.

*

The doorbell rang for a long time and Kitty wondered if the house was empty- was Henry driving her stuff to the tip already?

She was just beginning to panic when she saw his familiar shape make its way to the door through the frosted glass panel- and a spasm of fresh fear gripped her stomach. 

She hadn’t told him they were coming- Anna had said that doing so would only give him the chance to refuse and that since they’d be going in whatever he said, it was all a bit pointless. She knew she was right- but at the same time, the idea of doing something unexpected, of surprising him, made her muscles tight with anxiety. Henry, she knew, did not like to be surprised.

Please just be sullen and surly, please don’t shout or swear or-

“Yes?” Then he caught sight of Kitty and his mouth twisted with disgust. “Fucking hell you’ve got some front to come back here.”

He began to close the door but before he could, Anna’s red Doc Marten was blocking it.

“We’re here so that Kitty can collect her things.”

He blinked at her.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Katherine? Why did you tell them I’ve got stuff of yours here?”

He was very good, Anne thought. If she didn’t know better, she could easily have found herself wondering if they had the wrong house.

Kitty felt the same old familiar trapped feeling- his face was perfectly neutral but his eyes were gleaming. She was opening her mouth, hoping she’d be able to find a way to convince the others that she really wasn’t lying, when Anna interrupted.

“Alright. You want to make this difficult, fine. So anyway, what we’re going to do is Kitty is going to go collect her things while you and I and Clovis can have a little chat down here.”

“I told you, I don’t have anything. You know she’s a liar right?” He screwed one finger against his temple. “She’s got problems. ”

“Are you going to move out for the way so that Kitty can collect her things or am I going to have to persuade you?”

His lip curled.

“Set one foot inside and I’ll call the police. Fucking psycho bitch.”

“You do that.” Anna smiled pleasantly. “Of course, that will be after we’ve gotten Kitty’s stuff, not before.”

“You think I give a shit about what you say? I’ll get you arrested. My parents will sue you for everything you’ve got.” He tipped his chin at her and Anna felt a sudden overwhelming urge to knock his teeth down his throat. “Maybe then you’ll learn to keep your nose out of other people’s business-”

Anna loosened her hand slightly on Clovis’s collar and the dog growled, a low and threatening sound. Henry jumped backwards, properly taking in his size for the first time.

“Shit!”

Anna triumphantly pushed the door open wider and stepped over the threshold, Kitty and Anne close behind her. Henry backed up, looking furious.

“Anne?” Anna kept her tone perfectly level even as Henry looked daggers at her. “Take Kitty upstairs please.”

“C’mon Kitkat-”

Kitty couldn’t move. Somehow, somehow, they were inside: Henry had said no and given Anna that black look that let her know she was really in for it later (as soon as they were alone, as soon as he had her by herself) and Anna hadn’t backed down and-

She knew she should be happy, but she wasn’t.

If they leave, if they get sick of you and you have to come back to this, he’s going to be so, so-

“Do you think I’m joking? Are you an idiot? I know where to send the police you dozy cow- that coffee place yeah?”

“Kit-”

“Of course, you can do that.” Anna’s expression didn’t flicker. “Obviously, what I choose to do in my own time has no effect on the business I don’t even work for, but sure, let’s say that you do call the police and tell them that you don’t have a name and address but you need them to arrest someone from the place she gets her coffee…..” She let it hang in the air for a moment. “Just out of interest, what would you be asking them to charge me with?”

“Trespassing. Theft. Breaking and entering. Any of those sound like fun?”

“Not particularly. But- ok, yeah. You do you.” Anna waved a hand casually. “Though...you’re a bit older than Kit aren’t you?”

“What the fuck has that got to do with you?”

“Oh nothing. Just, you look about the right age to be thinking about uni, ucas and all that. Bright future, top grades. Kit told us.”

He didn’t say anything but watched her guardedly.

“It would be such a shame,” Anna carried on, “to see all that jeopardised by an unfortunate reputation coming to light. I’m sure your parents would be devastated .”

“You’re crazy. You’re mad if you think anyone gives a shit what some dyke bitch has to say.”

Anna ignored him. Kitty edged closer to Anne, waiting for the explosion.

“You see the thing about this digital age we live in, is that it’s really easy for the most random things to go viral, you know? Like, whole lives, whole reputations ruined like that. And the sad thing is,” Anna pressed, “the really sad thing is, is that the universities, the bigger businesses, they don’t even really care about what’s right or true. But they do care about how they look. They care about how things appear. So even when a rumour has been totally scotched- even when the police have shut it all down, even if people have been arrested for slander...well, there’s always people who never quite forget . People who decide that there’s no smoke without a fire and all that. And once it’s out there, that’s it. You can’t take it back. You just….have this label, for the rest of your life.” She paused. “Of course, sometimes these things take a while to surface. That’s usually worse, I think- you know, someone getting to make a real name of themselves, making all these connections….and then boom, it all blows up in their face and that’s  even more of a scandal.”

“You don’t want to do that.” It wasn’t a question.

“Well, seeing as this conversation is entirely hypothetical….”

Henry looked directly at Kitty.

“I’ve still got the pictures you know.” His voice was faux-casual. He smiled nastily. “Did you forget? Do you want me to show them to your friends now or do you want to run away before I do? Wonder if they’ll be so eager to help you when they see you’re just a nasty little whore...”

Kitty sucked in a breath so quickly that Anne thought she was about to faint- she put her hand out to steady her. 

“It’s ok Kit-”

Anna though, just shrugged. She was actually smiling.

“Wow- and there I was thinking you weren’t actually going to make it even easier for me to find stuff to use… I thought I’d just be fucking up your chance at Oxbridge, I didn’t realise we could get you sentenced for revenge porn too.”

“That won’t make a difference-” For the first time, there was the tiniest hint of hesitation in his voice and Anne knew, with a rush of relief, that he was rattled. “The pictures will be out there. Everyone will know she’s a-”

“I strongly advise you don’t finish that sentence.” Anna cut him off, her voice suddenly very, very cold. “But you know, whatever. It’s up to you. Still.” She paused. “I don’t know if I’d be so open to boasting about having child pornography on my phone..”

“She was my girlfriend ,” Henry spat at her. “It’s not-”

“You’re over eighteen.”

“Do you think they’ll give a shit? It was consensual -”

“Do you really want to take the chance of a judge seeing it like that?” Anna actually sounded incredulous. “Really- with her underage and….? Do you know what they do to guys like that in prison?”

Henry opened his mouth and then closed it.

“You’re a fucking psycho. I want you out of my house. Get her stuff, I don’t give a shit. Good riddance. Frigid bitch-”

Clovis suddenly growled and Henry shrunk back. Anna smiled.

“He doesn’t like sudden movements, you know. Makes him nervous.” She turned to Anne. “Time to go get Katzchen’s stuff now I think Anne.”

Anne grabbed Kitty’s hand and tugged her up the stairs.

Kitty let her.

*

The minute they were out of sight, Anne pulled Kitty into a hug.

“Fuck. Are you ok?”

Kitty stood stiff for a moment- and then gripped the fabric of Anne’s jacket tightly.

“I- I-”

She started to gasp. Her eyes felt hot and wet but she couldn’t even bring herself to care.

He’d told them, he’d…..and Anna had….and-

“It’s ok.” Anne pulled back and put both hands on Kitty’s shoulders. “You’re ok- it’s the shock. Try and take some deep breaths for me.”

“Anne, I- the things- the-”

“Shhhh.” Anne waited until Kitty’s breathing had slowed down a little. “Honestly Kit, it’s like Anna said. Nothing he said reflects badly on you- he’s just showing himself up as being an evil piece of shit. Ok?”

“The pictures, I really didn’t-”

“Kit.” Anne looked at her steadily. “You can tell me about them if you want to- although now is probably not the best time. But if you feel like you need to explain anything, you really don’t.”

“But- Jane and Catalina might not understand that-”

“Seriously Kitkat, again- if you want to tell them or any of us anything you can….but that’s for you to tell. Anna and I aren’t looking for gossip you know. Like, there’s nothing you should be ashamed of, but it’s for you to talk about. Not us. OK?”

“But even so, they’ll think I’m-”

She couldn’t imagine they wouldn’t find out.

People always do, eventually-

“Kitkat.” Anne’s voice was very gentle. “They’re not as easily shocked as you think, ok? They’ll see this whole thing just as Anna and I do: just more evidence that that guy’s a real piece of work. No judgement, not from any of us.”

“I-”

“Ok?”

“Ok.” She didn’t know if she believed Anne exactly but she didn’t have the energy to keep arguing.

“Good.” Anne pulled Kitty against her again and felt her exhale a long shaky breath. “Now I know you’re probably not anywhere near ok after that really….but do you think you can hold it together long enough to get your stuff?”

“....Yeah.”

“Good. You’re really brave, you know that? Jane would be so proud of how well you’re coping. We all are.”

*

Anne folded the clothes that Kitty passed her into the big red suitcase that Anna had brought from the car.

(Both she and Kitty had been surprised to see them: both because they hadn’t been expecting it and in Anne’s case because why would Anna bring her holiday luggage with them? Anna shot her a warning look as she told Kitty that they were destined for a charity shop and Anne would have cut out her tongue before contradicting her.)

Kitty’s school uniform was a little worn- there was a second hand look about it- and the jeans and t-shirts and leggings and blouses that Anne folded had obviously been worn and reworn many times but the tiny skirts and tight dresses that Kitty handed her were new and some still had the tags on. The rubber was split in Kitty’s pink converse but the high heels were buffed to a perfect shine. Kitty flushed slightly as she stuffed handfuls of expensive-looking lacy lingerie into a side pocket.

Washing things, a few books, pens spilling from a much-doodled on pencil case, a glittery notebook. Anne frantically tried to think of the things that she inevitably forgot when packing and Kitty hastily grabbed her phone charger from the wall outlet.

“Is that everything?”

Kitty was still poking around the room, chewing on her lip, but she nodded reluctantly.

“Um….I think so….”

Even as she said it, she was feeling under the bed, frowning, tossing back the duvet… Anne glanced at her.

“What are you looking for? I could help look?”

“It’s nothing…”

Still, Kitty kept looking around the room with increasing anxiety: she leant over to peer behind the book case, nudged over a pile of laundry with her foot and even peeked under the mattress.

Eventually, she sighed and looked around forlornly.

“Kit, are you sure? You should get all your stuff while you can- has he hidden something? Is there something missing?”

Kitty shook her head, her eyes on the carpet and her face half hidden by her hair.

“It’s fine.”

Anne had never been more sure of something not being fine in her life but she had no idea how to force the issue.

“We should go-” 

Still, Kitty made no move towards the door for a good few minutes. Anne waited patiently, hoping that Kitty would change her mind and decide that whatever it was was worth having Anne help look too….but eventually, she sighed sadly, zipped up the suitcase and barely put up a fight when Anne picked it up for her.

Downstairs, Henry was standing moodily by the door, his eyes pointedly on his phone. Anna was nonchalantly examining her nails; Clovis had his eyes fixed on Henry.

“All done Katzchen?”

Kitty managed a weak nod.

“Good. Now-” Anna stepped closer to Henry. “Listen to me. I certainly hope Kitty has everything but if she hasn’t, if you find something belonging to her that she’s left behind, leave-it-alone. I know that ideally you’d like to play out some weird little revenge thing but that is not going to happen: we will come back for it and you will hand it over and everyone will be happy. Alright?”

Henry snorted.

Anna looked unperturbed.

“I’m going to take that as a yes.” She turned and took the suitcase from Anne. “C’mon, let’s go.”

Kitty though lingered on the bottom step.

“Henry?”

He didn’t look at her.

“What is it, schatzi?”

“Henry?”

Anna cleared her throat.

Kitty stepped closer, her voice quiet and almost pleading.

“Do you have her?”

He ignored her.

“Henry? Please. What- what did you do with her?”

“What is it Kitty?”

Henry shrugged.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The grin in his voice was unmistakable.

“You do!” Kitty sounded on the verge of tears. “Please please Henry, I know you know where she is-”

“I really, really-”

“Right ok.” Anna raised a hand. “Enough. Give her back whatever it is or tell her where it is.”

“Look I’m sorry, I just assumed that anything left behind was rubbish that you didn’t want anymore and-”

He was openly smirking now; Kitty’s face went pale. She followed Henry’s gaze, towards the front door.

“You threw her-”

Before the words were even fully out of her mouth, Anne had wrenched open the door and was striding across the lawn to the wheelie bin on the edge of the curb.

Thankfully, when she flipped up the lid, she could see it hadn’t been emptied. With a matter-of-factness belied by the force behind her movements, she overturned the thing and began to methodically rip open each black plastic sack and empty the contents onto the lawn.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

“Clovis, bewachen. ”

Henry started to follow her outside, his smirk utterly gone but before he could cross the threshold, Clovis had positioned himself between Henry and the door.

“What the fuck?”

“You’re going to let her get her stuff, like I said.”

“You’re fucking mental. It’s illegal to keep dangerous animals- I’ll get it put down.”

Still though, he stood very still as he said it. Clovis took a step towards him, teeth bared. The faintest sheen of sweat glistened on Henry’s forehead.

“You’re going to let her get her stuff,” Anna replied calmly. “And I can promise you that you do not want to try and stop her.”

Kitty was frozen with indecision, too anxious to help- but when Anne ripped open the third bag, she gave a little cry and leapt forward to snatch up something small and pink that she stuffed into the pocket of her hoody.

“That what you were looking for, Kitkat?”

Kitty nodded fervently, and then looked, suddenly stricken, at Anne’s grimey hands.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I-”

 Anne just laughed, wiping them casually on her jeans.

“It’s fine. See? All better.” She paused. “They’re Cathy’s jeans anyway-”

“Do you have everything now Katzchen?” Anna called, and Kitty nodded, her hands held protectively over her now bulging pocket.

“Yes. That’s everything.”

“Great. So we’ll be going now.”

Anna picked up the suitcase and nodded at Henry.

“It would be better for you if you stayed away from Kitty from now on.”

“You can’t make me. You can’t stop me doing anything.”

“Oh I know.” Anna stepped very close to him, until they were almost nose to nose. “But I can make you really, really wish that you hadn’t. Do you really want to risk it just for some petty revenge?”

She held his gaze for a beat and then whistled to Clovis.

“Komme.”

Henry waited until they were loading the suitcase into the boot of the car and a safe distance away before he started yelling.

“Fucking slag! Fucking cunt! Don’t you dare show your face back here, don’t you even speak to me you filthy bitch-”

Anna rolled her eyes- then glanced at Kitty, who was standing with her arms wrapped around herself and her head bent. She leant over to Clovis.

“Gehen-”

Henry didn’t hear her whispered command, but he noticed the dog running full-pelt towards him. His face turned the colour of cottage cheese, his last taunt died in his throat. To his credit, he held his ground, but Clovis simply reared onto his hind legs and standing, they were almost eye to eye.

Anna gave him a moment to take in the open mouth, the teeth, to appreciate the weight of the dog with it’s nose at his throat….and then she whistled again.

“Komme.”

Clovis trotted back to her obediently and she patted him.

Anne laughed as she climbed into the car but Kitty was staring, wide eyed. For a moment, Henry’s eyes met hers furiously- but there was something else there too. For the first time, she wasn’t the only one who looked afraid.

“C’mon schatzi.” Gently Anna wrapped an arm around her shoulders and steered Kitty into the car. She was trembling so hard that her seatbelt slipped from her grasp- Anne leant over and did it up for her. “Let’s go. We’re done here.”

*

“Anne.” They were half way home before Kitty said a word.

Anne looked over at her.

“Thank you. For- for what you did. And Anna- I’m so sorry he said all those things, I’m sorry he-”

“That’s ok-”

“Happy to help, Schatzi.” Anna smirked. “It was absolutely worth it to see that look on his face.” Then her smile faded. “I’m sorry about that shit he tried to pull with the bin though.”

“Stupid not to realise what would happen, as if we’d leave without just taking it out,” Anne snorted, and Kitty chewed her lip.

There was no way to explain to Anne that she’d never have dreamt of actively going against Henry like that: once he decided something, that was it.

“Thank you SO much.”

“Honestly, it’s fine.” Anne squeezed her hand and then raised an eyebrow. “Can I see what it was I helped rescue?”

Kitty blushed furiously.

“It’s nothing. It’s really stupid.”

“It isn’t that stupid if it means that much to you.” Anne paused. “You know, Catalina and Cathy did the same thing for me once.”

“What?”

“Rescued something from an outside bin.”

“Did your boyfriend-?”

Anne laughed, with only a little bitterness, and shook her head.

“Nah, it was my parents. They were complete douchebags but occasionally they’d take a break from being entirely uninterested in me to getting like overly involved in some random thing- and that was always fun. And one day, it’s that they decide I’m too old for Reginald.”

“Who’s Reginald?”

Anne laughs and Anna answers for her.

“Reginald was- is- possibly the tackiest toy for any child to latch onto. Not even a toy, a keyring. And honestly also oddly horrifying to look at-”

Anne rolled her eyes.

“Anna didn’t grow up the the teletubbies like we did, so she doesn’t appreciate the retroness of them….anyway, I won him at a fairground when I was like six and he quickly became my favourite toy….I think probably because I quite liked how my mum would wince whenever she saw him? And of course he got all tatty and filthy and everything but like I loved him, you know? Slept with him every night, kept him on my bed even when I’d stopped carrying him round with me everywhere.”

“And then one day, Anne’s mum decides to remember she has a kid and she also decides that a great way to bond is to throw out her most treasured possession, because she’s apparently too old for it-”

Kitty widened her eyes.

“That’s so sad!”

“I know right? I was distraught , I think the teacher at school thought we’d had a death in the family because I was crying so much. Anyway, Cathy got it out of me and she called in the cavalry-”

“Catalina,” Anna added at Kitty’s confused look.

“And basically, I was meant to go to after school club but instead she calls my mum, asks if I can come to play instead- and Mum really didn’t give a shit as long as I wasn’t in the house. And I thought it was- you know, just a playdate to cheer me up but instead-” Anne grinned, “Instead, Catty drives us both to my house, transfers every rubbish bag from the bin to the boot of her car, drives us home and fucking sifts through each one, super carefully, until she finds Reginald. God, I was so happy. We cleaned him up- washed him in the sink and everything, and Catty hung him up to dry. I couldn’t take him home of course, in case Mum noticed, but I got to keep him at Cathy’s and know he’d be safe and I could have him when I slept over….Anyway,” Anne laid a hand on Kitty’s arm. “I just wanted to tell you so that you know you’re not the first one to have to have something rescued out of a bin, ok?”

Kitty nodded slowly.

“That’s so nice….so you got to keep him until you grew out of him naturally?”

Anna laughed loudly from the front seat.

“Grew out of him?”

Anne smiled too, shaking her head.

“What are you talking about? I still have him. As if I’d get rid of him! I’m surprised you didn’t see him last night-”

“Oh…” 

Anne waited a moment.

“So….can I see what you rescued?”

Very slowly, eyes on the floor, Kitty pulled out a grubby pink cat and let Anne take it from her.

“Aw she’s so cute- it is a she, right?”

Kitty gave a tiny nod.

“I know it’s stupid to still care so much. But I’ve had her since I was born. When I was little, I used to tell people my mum gave her to me before she died.”

“Didn’t she?”

“I don’t know. I don’t remember.”

“Well if you don’t know, she might have done.”

“I suppose.”

“Honestly Kit-” Anne decided it was time to bring the conversation back to a lighter note. “You absolutely do not need to be embarrassed- I mean, who doesn’t keep their beloved childhood teddy?”

“Henry said it was weird and creepy and pathetic.” She shrugged. “He’s probably right, I know I’m way too old to keep her but-”

“Well he’s weird and creepy and pathetic-” Anne mumbled.

“Forget what he said, Katzchen,”Anna called back. “His opinions are utterly irrelevant now, ok?”

“Catty still has Benito- that was her childhood monkey- and I don’t know what Jane had as a kid but I bet she still has that too. Oh and remember when Cathy got her that cuddly croissant for Christmas? She loved it. And Cathy has Tarkar, obviously.”

“That’s her stuffed otter. Her male stuffed otter.”

“Cathy used to lose her shit when anyone would call Tarkar a girl,” Anne explained.

Kitty tried to think of an appropriate response.  “Y- yeah, kids are like that-”

“Yeah, except the last person she corrected was me and it was last year-” Anna grumbled. But she was smiling.

She met Kitty’s eyes in the rearview mirror….and Kitty found herself smiling back. It was a shaky smile but it was enough.

Chapter Text

She dragged the unfamiliar suitcase through the backdoor and stumbled when it caught on the step.

“Easy, Katzchen.”

Anna lifted it for her; she let her take it.

She felt sick- the sway and rock of the car, the sun splintering through the windscreen like a headache, the faint smell of weed that Anna swore up and down was all in Anne’s imagination had gotten to her, and when Cathy pulled her over to the worktop, she felt her stomach lurch.

“How was it? I’m so glad you got your things back!” She handed Kitty a Primark bag with string handles. “I went out and got you some stuff just in case…. Well, in case you needed it. We thought it’d save you having to worry about it, for a night at least.”

“You can still have it though, obviously,” Anne chipped in. “It’s just essentials, and Cath wasn’t sure exactly what sizes to get, but still.”

Kitty sifted through the bag: her fingertips brushed cotton and flannel, a toothbrush, a hairbrush and some bottles that were probably toiletries. She felt herself colour slightly at the box of pads and thrust them back quickly, feeling grateful but also faintly ridiculous. She’d slept in a bed with them both, after all. Despite everything, she managed a small smile at the enormous slab of Cadburys at the bottom.

“Essential chocolate?”

Cathy laughed.

“After the day you’ve had, I thought you needed something that was….well, not awful. Chocolate never lets you down, even when everything else does! I was going to get you a Lindt bunny but then I thought it wouldn’t travel well.”

“Thank you.” Looking at the little bag of cheap-ish products and clothing, chosen specifically for her, just to save her the potential stress of a shopping trip or the awkwardness of another night in borrowed clothes, Kitty felt her eyes sting at the kindness and her face heat up.

“You shouldn’t have- it’s really kind of you.” She fumbled in her pocket, realising a split second too late that of course they weren’t even her clothes. “I’ll- when I’ve got some money, I’ll pay you back, of course.”

Anne shook her head, smiling.

“Kitkat, if we let you pay, I think that would officially make us, like, evil. Consider it a….. congrats on jettisoning your shitty ex gift!”

“Or a welcome to the cafe gift,” Cathy suggested. “Late but still! In any case, I absolutely refuse to accept money off you so you might as well just take it.”

Before Kitty could protest any further, Catalina came into the kitchen, wiping her hands on her slacks.

“Mija, you’re back! How are you doing?” 

She shrugged, knowing that she really should say something but also not exactly sure how she was.

Luckily, Catalina didn’t seem at all offended. She glanced at Anna. 

“Would you be able to stay while Jane and I talk with Kitty?” She shot Kitty a faintly apologetic smile. “For moral support? Kitty, I’m sorry that you’re having to do so much at once but we do need to talk, alright?”

“Sure. C’mon Schatzi.”

She could hear Cathy and Anne being asked to hold the fort, instructions about orders and to remember the scones in the oven. Inside Catalina’s tiny office, they settled onto the chairs already squashed into the cramped space and Kitty realised that they must have been preparing for this.

“Hello, love.”

Jane squeezed herself in.

“I’m so glad you got your things back. Things will be easier now, I promise.”

Kitty tried to smile.

“It…. doesn’t really feel like that.”

It was true. She’d expected somehow that knowing her clothes were safe would be a relief and that the tight iron bands around her chest would have melted away with the knowledge that no matter what, she still had some things to her name. 

Instead, it just made her feel more insubstantial than ever- there was something frighteningly untethered about knowing that all her worldly possessions could fit into a suitcase and were currently standing in between the fridge and the mixer in a kitchen that really, she had no rights to at all. Her life could fit into a suitcase and somehow, she’d never had to really confront it before.

“I know love.”

She couldn’t try to explain it to Jane- not out of fear that the woman wouldn’t sympathise but that she would. She couldn’t bear the idea of Jane trying to offer spare sweaters and dogeared second hand paperbacks and fruity toiletries from the teenage section of the supermarket aisle as a sop to her emptiness: the gift from Cathy and Anne had made her feel awkward but as a more natural response to gift giving. Gifts from adults, she knew, whether given out of pity or guilt, were rarely so simple.

“You’re being so brave.”

“She did ever so well.”

She knew Anna meant it well, and tamped down on the irritation at being spoken about in the third person: did they think that after living with Henry for a year, a brief encounter on a doorstep would cause her to fold?

Except you did, you would have done if it hadn’t been for Anne holding you up and Anna standing between you and him so that you didn’t even have to talk to him properly. Would you have even tried to get your things if it’d been left up to you? Or would you have slunk apologetically away, because you knew deep down that really, you deserved nothing more than to live on the whims and temperamental generosity of whoever could bear to let you encroach on them?

The annoyance flickered, bloomed briefly and then died- she was too much in debt to Anna, too fond of her and more than anything, just too weary to have the energy for real indignation, and before they could say anything else, Catalina was coming in too, apologetic and pushing her hair away from her face.

“Ok. The girls are holding the fort.”

Kitty fought the urge to apologise for the inconvenience of stealing away more than half of Catalina’s staff with her own gently imploding life: she knew that it would be useless and she didn’t want their empty reassurances anyway.

“So mija. I know this has all been very hard and very stressful for you.”

She nodded.

“We’re all so sorry that you’re having to- Anyway. Now as much as we all want to help you find somewhere new to live-”

Her stomach dropped like a stone; this was it.

I’ve also got a business to run, we have our own lives, our own problems-

“-obviously you’re old enough to make your own decisions about what you’d like to happen.” She took a deep breath. “Of course, along with that, you’re still only sixteen and as intelligent and capable as you are, we do think that you need some proper support, someone who can actually tell you what your options are. So a social worker is going to be coming along soon to have a talk with you about what’s going to happen next.”

“...Ok.”

Catalina leant forward, her face creased with sympathy.

“I’m sorry Kitty. I really didn’t mean for it to come across as us going over your head or behind your back or anything- I just thought it would make it be easier for you if we made the call.”

“Right.”

All the words she was not saying built up in her throat: Of course you’re going behind my back, you wanted it to be easier for you rather than me, why didn’t you ask me, when did I even ask for your help-

But they were impossible, unimaginable- the sort of dramatic, drastic declarations that people made in television, that left gouges that could not be so easily sewn up by the time the next advert break rolled around. She didn’t even mean them, exactly.

She’d always known how to keep quiet. She kept quiet now.

She could see Catalina and Jane glance at one another out of the corner of their eyes, clearly having envisaged the conversation taking longer, imagining that she’d have more to say. In the end, they patted her- her arm, her shoulder, like she was a recalcitrant puppy- and absented themselves, probably, she imagined to discuss her lack of verbosity.

Anna stayed stolidly beside her.

“Do you mind if I stay?”

“You don’t have to.”

“I’d like to…” Anna chewed her fingernail, for once seeming out of her depth. “It’s just, I’d also completely understand if you wanted some space. I don’t want you to feel like we’re just forcing you into saying yes to everything.”

She wasn’t sure why Anna looked so uncomfortable- and then the penny dropped.

“Did you know they were going to call-?”

She didn’t want to say it: social services had been too much of a bogeyman for as long as she could remember.

Anna nodded unhappily.

“They didn’t tell me but- they didn’t have to. I knew someone was going to call and I knew it probably would be while we were gone. I didn’t say anything because I thought you had enough to cope with. I’m sorry- I know how it looks.”

“How does it look?”

“Like we’re making decisions for you. Which honestly Kit is the last thing anyone wants.”

She nodded again slowly. Of everything, she did at least believe that. They sat in silence and after a while her heavy head ended up on Anna’s shoulder and Anna didn’t nudge her away and after a few minutes, it stopped feeling awkward and Kitty knew that they wouldn’t bring it up again.

“Kitty?”

She sat up straight immediately when Catalina appeared, feeling her cheeks heat up.

“The social worker’s here.”

“Ok.”

The urge to cling to Anna’s hand was as embarrassing as it was strong.

“Ready for me to show her in?”

To her credit, Catalina actually waited for Kitty’s nod of assent before disappearing.

“You got this, Katzchen.”

She hoped Anna was right.

Catalina ushered the social worker through the door, with Jane behind them and Kitty readied herself.

Smile. Polite. Calm.

“Hello, you must be Katherine? I’m Claire, nice to meet you.”

“Hello.”

Claire didn’t offer to shake hands and she was relieved: she knew without looking that her nails were dirty despite her shower and she strongly suspected that her hands were rather grimey too, from delving into the rubbish. Why hadn’t she thought to wash?

“How are you holding up, Katherine? I hear you’ve had...quite a time of it.”

“I’m alright.”

She wasn’t sure what the right answer was but she did know that she didn’t really have it in her to be any more expansive. Luckily, the woman didn’t seem to mind.

“So what I’m here for today is basically to make sure firstly that we make sure that you’ve got somewhere safe to live- and we’ll talk about your options there in a moment- and also to make sure that your school is aware of what’s going on right now. It’s alright,” she added, off Kitty’s slightly anxious look. “I don’t mean that in a gossipy sort way, it just is important that your school knows what’s happening so that they can support you properly.”

“Ok.”

 “So to begin with, you’ve been living with your...boyfriend?” Kitty nodded. “How long was that for?”

“About a year.”

“About a year. Was it just the two of you?”

“It was with his parents. And his sisters too.”

“Ok. And where did you live before that?”

“At home.”

“And where is home?”

“My grandmothers. And some of my siblings and cousins live there too.”

“Ok. And you moving out- can I ask how you decided that, did it happen at once or-?”

She shook her head.

“I’d been staying with him quite a lot- it was quieter than home And then I just...didn’t go back.”

“Alright, thank you for that.” She scribbled a note- Kitty tried to read it upside down and couldn’t. “And I believe that staying with your boyfriend is no longer an option?”

“No. Absolutely not.”

“Is that true Katherine?” 

Claire frowned slightly at Catalina’s interruption, who colored a little but looked unrepentant.

“Yes.”

She was relieved when she wasn’t asked to elaborate.

“So in a situation like this, we would first advise that you return home, if all parties agree. What are your thoughts on that?”

She glanced quickly at Catalina, then at Jane and Anna and she knew, with a sickening dull certainty that if they looked hopeful, she would end up saying yes. She couldn’t even blame them- they should say yes, it was the normal thing to happen, it was the normal thing to want. Back home, back to your family, back to the people who can actually be blamed for your problems.

Back to the bedroom, living with everyone’s resentment that she was back again, taking up space again, or worse, back to the couch, back to everyone sighing over her, the inevitable questions as to what she’d done wrong, how she’d managed yet again to ruin something-

“Just going off what Kitty has told me,” Jane’s voice was hesitant but steady. “Correct me if I’m wrong love, but I didn’t feel like you were made to feel exactly welcome there.”

The woman did not look terribly impressed.

“Of course, home situations can be difficult at this age- can’t they, Katherine? I certainly remember what it was like for me at that age, younger siblings always in your stuff, parents telling you when you can go out, telling you your skirt is too short-” The social worker gave a matey chuckle and rolled her eyes conspiratorially before turning back to Jane,

“Obviously, the priority is making sure Katherine has somewhere safe to go back to. Of course, legally you are old enough to move out but obviously breaking up families is really a last resort-”

“She hasn’t been with her family in a year!” Catalina burst out. “They don’t even know where she is now!”

The woman nodded.

“Of course communication will have to be improved. But with mediation, I’ve seen lots of families work through their little problems and-”

“She isn’t safe,” Catalina interrupted again, urgently. “They’ll say whatever they need to say in front of you, of course they will, but that doesn’t help her when everyone has gone home!”

“And you know this family?”

Catalina flushed.

“Not as such, no.”

Jane put her hand on Catalina’s arm.

“I think I’d like to hear from Katherine.” Claire swiveled herself around as best she could so that she was facing Kitty. “We can have this conversation in private if you’d like.”

Kitty could feel Claire willing her to agree but it was the sort of pressure she could ignore and she did.

“They can stay.”

“Alright then.” There was an expectant silence.

“I- I don’t want to go home.”

“So what would you like to happen?”

The question caught her off guard; she didn’t know and suddenly she felt foolish. What had she expected to happen? Why did she expect complete strangers to fix her problems?

“I don’t know.” It was barely a whisper but Anna’s hand found Kitty’s in the space between their chairs. Catalina frowned but Jane smiled warmly.

“That’s alright, I’m sure Claire is going to go through all the options for you now, aren’t you? We’re so glad that you’re taking Kitty’s views into consideration,” she added to Claire, “but I think she could probably do with some guidance, couldn’t you love?”

“Well...of course-” She was cut off by a frantic tapping on the door: Cathy’s slightly harassed looking face appeared.

“Madr- Catalina, I’m so sorry to interrupt but the Food Safety Man is here and he needs to talk to either you or Jane-”

“Can you tell him that we’re in the middle of something?”

Cathy bit her lip.

“I tried but he’s pretty insistent and-”

Catalina muttered darkly in Spanish as she shot an agonised look at Jane and got to her feet.

“It’s alright mija, I’m coming. Kit, I’m so sorry-”

“That’s quite alright,” Claire reassured her sweetly. “I’m sure Katherine can let you know what we discuss if she chooses to.” Once the door was closed, she turned back to Kitty. “So if you’re not comfortable going home yet, or if we feel that home is not the best place for you right now, we can try and find you somewhere to live ourselves. The bottom line is, you absolutely won’t be left without anywhere to go.”

“Isn’t that good news love?”

Claire ignored her.

“Now, the first thing we’d want to do is look into seeing if you have any relatives who would be willing to take you in. Do you have any- aunties or uncles, perhaps?”

Kitty shook her head.

“I might have them but I don’t know them. And I don’t think they’d want me if I did.”

They’ll have already heard about me. They’ll know what I did.

“Well, we’ll look into that, but assuming there isn’t anyone, then we’d be finding you a place in one of your teenage units. There’s a little bit of a shortage of spaces but-”

“Hang on,” Jane broke in, her smile fading. “A unit? I thought you’d be finding her a foster home?”

Claire smiled tightly.

“While obviously a foster home is the goal for younger children and while many of our older children do flourish, it’s also important to work on fostering their independence and freedom in these later years.”

“She’s sixteen.”

“Yes but Katherine will only be considered a child in need for another two years,” Claire countered calmly. “Residents of the teen units generally flourish!” She looked at Kitty. “It’s great fun, and a good way to make friends too. There’s a real family feel, so it’s very-”

Kitty felt sick: she could imagine it already. No privacy, everything slightly battered, communal and institutional, caretakers who were paid to notice you, and every conversation and request coached in the bright terminology of caseworkers.