Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Lovino hadn’t meant to do it, hadn’t meant for things to get so out of hand. He was just hurt, and dealing with emotions he didn’t know how to process and an excitable little brother who was just so much better than him in every conceivable way that Lovino just broke.

It started when his brother had come home, proudly waving his acceptance letter into a college he hadn’t stopped yammering about since he first discovered it. He’d pretty much thrown the door open, screaming in that grating voice of his, “Nonno! Look, I got in! I got in, and they want to give me a scholarship and everything!”

Lovino, who was the only one currently present, simply rolled his eyes and called over the back of the couch, “Grandpa’s upstairs.”

Feliciano pouted for just an instant before he perked back up. He launched himself onto the large couch, choosing to invade his brother’s personal space by practically sitting in his lap, “Lovi, I got in!”

“Yes, I heard you the first time.” was the grumbled response. In his endless patience, Lovino didn’t immediately shove his brother off, but he did squirm where he sat. He had been flipping through the channels on their excessively large flatscreen television, although there wasn’t anything worthwhile on. With a drawn-out sigh, he tossed the remote to the side and turned his attention to the younger.

Feliciano was beaming up at him with a grin that just radiated pride and accomplishment, “Are you proud of me, Lovi?”

Lovino had to turn away from that smile, finding that it made him feel lesser. He was proud of his little brother, sure, but there had never been any doubt that he’d get into whatever school he wanted. Unlike himself, Feliciano had always excelled at school, and especially when it came to his artistic pursuits. He wasn’t surprised that his brother had been accepted, so he offered a lackluster shrug in response.

Feliciano rolled his eyes at his brother’s characteristic moodiness, but didn’t comment on it. He pushed himself off the older, kicking his legs out so his head rested in his lap. He threw the acceptance letter haphazardly to the side, peering up with those wide amber eyes, “Are you going to come to my graduation next week?”

Lovino refused to play into his brother’s antics, shifting away so Feliciano had no choice but to sit back up, “Depends on how many times you ask me.”

“No fair, I went to yours last year!” Feliciano pouted, bouncing softly where he sat on the couch. He was always buzzing with nervous energy, always fidgeting, and Lovino had no doubt that if he learned to focus his energy instead of lazing around, then he could accomplish anything. Not that he’d ever tell his brother that — it would ruin his image.

“So,” Feliciano started mischievously, scooting closer, “I heard you had another interview this morning.”

That mischievous tone made him feel something unpleasant, something painful. It’s not like his brother was doing this on purpose, but Lovino was in a particularly grouchy mood that evening, “Yeah, I did. So what?”

“Well, how did it go?” Feliciano laughed, not above batting his eyelashes to guilt his brother into speaking.

And dammit, it worked every time. He grumbled wordlessly, unable to really act like the asshole he was to his little brother, “Does it matter? I’ll get the job, nonno will make sure of that.”

Feliciano chuckled, “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“Maybe it is.” Lovino mumbled under his breath. This job would be like all the others — his grandfather would use his seemingly endless connections to guarantee that he landed the position, but Lovino would simply squander it like every other time. He didn’t do it on purpose, but the thing about hating yourself was that it bled into every aspect of life. Lovino couldn’t hold a job if he tried, and oh boy, he tried.

Feliciano’s smile softened, perhaps sensing his brother’s dour mood. He was supportive like that, and was sensitive enough to tell whenever Lovino was falling into one of his depressive episodes. He pushed closer until their shoulders touched, offering a small smile, “Maybe this time will be different.”

“Yeah…” Lovino trailed off, looking idly around their lavish mansion of a home. He very nearly scowled at the marble floors, casting a disdainful eye upon the racks of vintage wine in every corner. The arced windows provided much of the living room with its lighting, and the kitchen was just as grandiose. Every member of their little family loved to cook, so they had spared no expense when it came to purchasing the latest appliances or finding the best ingredients. Truly, they were living the life of luxury and Lovino… well, he hated it.

He was grateful for the ease in which he lived, but as his brother had unwittingly pointed out, everything they had was the result of their grandfather’s success. This job interview was really just a formality, Lovino would get the job (and lose it) without ever doing anything of value in his life.

Feliciano looped their arms together, curling up closely to his side, “You’re thinking too much, Lovi.”

Lovino looked down to his brother, to where their arms were now looped together. His brother was such a kind person, so likable and… and perfect. Oh, how Lovino despised the word because he knew it would never apply to him. Feliciano was already the favored grandson, and now he was going to university. This would only solidify his role as the more talented, more appealing Vargas brother — this would prove once and for all that he had all the ambition the older lacked. Lovino resented his brother for that, and he hated himself for it.

“Lovi? Are you okay?” Feliciano asked softly.

Lovino scowled at the ground, ripping his arm free, “Stop hanging off of me all the damn time.”

Feliciano pursed his lips in annoyance, “No need to be so mean, Lovi.”

Lovino rolled his eyes, hauling himself off the plush cushions, “No need to be so annoying, Feli.”

“Can’t you act a little happy for me? I’m going to college now!” Feliciano whined, following his brother into the kitchen.

“What’s there to be so happy about?” Lovino asked callously, sticking his head in the fridge to find something to eat.

Feliciano leaned on the counter in a huff, “Because I’m finally doing something right! I thought you of all people would be excited for me.”

“And why’s that?” Lovino mumbled, closing the fridge door with a dissatisfied pout.

Feliciano scoffed, annoyance starting to creep into his tone, “Because you’re my brother! You helped me with the application, I thought that meant you’d be proud of me.”

The hurt in his voice was palpable, but still Lovino shrugged him off, “I mean, was there any doubt that you’d get in? Seriously, I don’t even know why you’re so excited.”

“This is a big deal to me, Lovi!” Feliciano yelled emphatically.

Lovino rolled his eyes, “Well, excuse me for not fawning over you like everyone else.”

Feliciano recoiled, hands clenched into fists as his usual mild-mannered temperament melted away, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Lovino was beginning to feel the effects of the argument, his own self-hatred manifesting itself in the form of words he didn’t quite mean. He didn’t know why he felt the need to escalate the situation, but all he wanted to do was to make a victim out of his brother. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel so worthless, “I mean that it doesn’t matter what you do, you’ll always be my perfect little brother. I bet you didn’t even get into school on your own, nonno probably called in a favor.”

Feliciano’s breath caught in his throat, suddenly teary-eyed, “Why do you always do this to me?”

“What, tell you the truth?”

“No, minimize my success!” Feliciano actually yelled this time, stamping his foot harshly on the ground as he glared. “I just wanted you to be happy for me, but I’m never good enough!”

This was what Lovino wanted, to start a fight. He smirked, finally in his element, “I think you’re mischaracterizing yourself, fratello.” he hissed the last word like an insult, taking a swift step forward to poke a finger harshly into the younger’s chest. “You’re too fucking good for the rest of us. You’re a spoiled brat who has never had to work for anything, so excuse me for not being impressed!”

Feliciano’s face twisted in hurt, rubbing a hand over his chest where he’d been poked, “Well, at least I’m actually going to school instead of moping around the house!”

The words stung, the reminder that he hadn’t done anything worthwhile in his life leaving Lovino momentarily speechless. At his core, Lovino just didn’t want his brother to leave, to go on to become something unattainable. They were equals now in this lavish mansion, but he feared that Feliciano would be someone better, someone more worth their grandfather’s time after he went to school.

A white-hot spear of jealousy shot through Lovino’s heart when he realized that his brother was already superior to him. Lovino wanted to be better, but he knew he’d never be good enough. Maybe that’s why he felt the need to bring his brother down to his level, and it was possibly the reason the next words escaped his lips without his permission, “You’re a fucking worthless brother, you know that?”

Feliciano sucked in a breath between his teeth, taken aback by the vitriolic loathing in the older’s voice, “W-what?”

Lovino pushed himself into his brother’s personal space with a fierce glower, “I never even wanted a brother, but now I guess I have to deal with you. You hang off my side like some goddamn puppy our entire lives, and now all of a sudden you think you can walk on your own?”

Felicaino shook his head, sniffling as a few tears dripped onto his cheeks, “Lovi, I-I never-”

“God, stop crying!” Lovino yelled, twisting the knife by physically shoving his brother into the wall, “You shouldn’t even be here, but mom just had to have another baby!”

“Stop it, that’s not-”

“You fucking killed her, you know.” Lovino said coldly, bearing down on the younger. “That’s why we don’t have a mom, because of you.”

“Th-that wasn’t my fault, I-I was just a baby!” Feliciano began crying at the harsh accusation, sinking down against the wall to sit on the ground. His knees had probably given out in his distress, but that didn’t stop Lovino from his tirade.

“Then dad left, and guess whose fault that was?”

“Stop it, I-”

“Answer the question!” Lovino shouted, causing Feliciano to flinch harshly back. He wasn’t completely aware of the damage he was causing, and vaguely he realized that he should stop and beg for forgiveness. But he didn’t, a fact that would later tear at his soul.

Feliciano choked on a sob, finally giving a tortured response, “Mine. It was my fault.”

They were well past the initial issue, and even if Lovino didn’t believe the accusations he threw out, he said them nonetheless, “It’s a fucking miracle that nonno is still here, why don’t you get rid of him too?”

“Lovi, p-please-”

“What about me? Why don’t you off me next?”

“Please-”

“Would that make you happy? If I was dead?”

“No, I-”

“Maybe I’ll just leave, that way I won’t have to deal with all your stupid fucking-”

“Lovino!” boomed a thunderous voice, one that was alarmingly close.

Lovino whipped around, eyes widening in shock when he saw his grandfather standing directly behind him. The man’s arms were crossed and he wore an impossibly disappointed scowl on his face. He looked between Lovino and his brother, the latter of which was a sobbing mess on the floor. His scowl deepened, and he demanded sharply, “That’s enough from you, step away from your brother.”

He said it with such disapproval, such disappointment that Lovino felt his chest ache. All he ever seemed to do was make things worse, the dissatisfaction he felt with his own life coming back full force as he suddenly directed his anger at his grandfather, “Why should I, old man?”

“Because I told you to.” was the short response, the man’s typically bright demeanor completely gone. His warm amber eyes were chilled by cold fury, although he did an admirable job restraining himself. He was also tall, much taller than Lovino, and he used that height to bear down on his grandson.

But Lovino refused to be cowed this time, still too lost in his own rage to know what he was doing, “You can’t tell me what to fucking do.”

“You don’t want this, boy. Just go to your room and calm down, we’ll talk about this later.” the man hissed, sneaking a cautious glance to the youngest member present.

Lovino didn’t miss it, “Oh, so you’re going to take Feli’s side? You don’t even know what happened yet!”

“I heard enough. You had no right attacking your brother like that.”

“You always take Feli’s side, and I’m fucking sick of it!”

“Language, Lovino. And no, I don’t take sides.”

Lovino’s face flushed red in anger, stepping forward to crowd his grandfather’s personal space, “Bullshit! You always take his side!”

Romulus shook his head, looking approximately three seconds away from snapping, “Enough, you’re an adult now, and-”

“Then stop treating me like a fucking child!” Lovino screeched, stamping his foot (childishly) on the cool marble tile. “I’m sick of this stupid family, I’m so fucking done with both of you!”

“And I’m done with your attitude! You are nineteen, grow the hell up!” Romulus finally snapped, clapping a hand on the fuming teen’s shoulder.

Lovino violently wrenched the hand off of his shoulder, pushing up to growl in his grandfather’s face, “Fuck you, old man! Who says I even want to be here? God, you’re not even my real parent, why should I listen to you?”

The man’s face twisted briefly in hurt before he could bring a disapproving scowl back up, “Have some respect, Lovino. I’m the one who raised you-”

“Oh, whoop-dee-fucking-doo! Who gives a shit?” Lovino snarled, poking a finger aggressively in the man’s chest. “All you do is sit upstairs drinking your vintage wine and pretending you were a good father-figure. Look at how well I turned out, I guess you didn’t do as well as you thought!”

“Maybe not.” Romulus muttered coldly.

The soft admission made something sharp and unpleasant twist in Lovino’s gut, the sting of tears at the back of eyes only causing him to shout louder, “He finally admits it! Did you hear that, Feli? Nonno finally said it, you’re better than me, congratulations!”

“Lovino, please stop.” Feliciano whispered from his place against the wall.

Lovino flipped him off without once removing his eyes from his grandfather, the man’s face a mixture of anger, hurt, and intense sadness, “Calm down while you still can, we’ll address this later.”

“No, I want to address it now!” Lovino shouted, taking a swift step forward. “What’s wrong with me? Am I too vulgar? Too angry? What? Or maybe it’s because you’re a fucking lousy-ass grandfather who drinks too much to even notice that one of your grandsons is a fucking psycho! That’s how you see me, right? A fucking psychopath!”

“Enough!” Romulus yelled, taking the teen’s upper arm in a tight hold. “We are going to your room where you will-”

“Get your fucking hands off of me, you piece of fucking garbage!” Lovino screamed, twisting his way violently out of the hold. Once he was free, he placed his hands on his grandfather’s chest and pushed as hard as he could.

The man didn’t budge, but his expression did shift from anger to confusion, “Where is this coming from?”

Lovino would deny it later, but he had started crying as his tirade continued. He tried to push his grandfather away again, but the man was just so much bigger than him, “I can’t do fucking anything right!”

“What are you talking about?” Romulus asked in shock. He retreated by just one step, but it was enough.

Lovino pounced, “Sorry I couldn’t be like my perfect little brother, you must be so ashamed of me!” He pushed forward as the man took another step back. “God, I never asked to be born in this stupid rich-ass family!”

“Lovino, if you don’t calm down, then-”

“Then what?” Lovino said hysterically, twisting his hands in the front of his grandfather’s shirt as he continued to push. “You won’t do anything-”

“Try me, Lovino!” Romulus shouted, louder than either brother had ever heard him. His breathing was ragged, the episode of sudden anger rendering him momentarily breathless.

Lovino’s face twisted further in rage, “Maybe I fucking will!”

“Boy, if you don’t-”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Lovino roared. “If you ever stopped to just fucking listen for once in your life, then you might have noticed that I hate myself.”

“Lovi, please stop.” Feliciano nearly sobbed, suddenly trying to break the two apart.

Lovino shrugged his brother off, too lost in his rage to notice his grandfather’s face had drained of all color, “I’m never good enough for you, so I guess I’ll just be the bad guy!”

Romulus kept retreating, his breathing coming out in shallow puffs, “Lovino, I need you to call-”

“Oh, shut up old man!” Lovino snarled, still ignorant to the rapid state of decline his grandfather was in. “I listen to your drunk ramblings all the time, so now it’s my turn!”

Feliciano pushed his way between them, tears streaming down his face as he shoved Lovino back, “Stop it! Can’t you see you’re hurting him?”

“What?” Lovino snapped, coming down from his anger just long enough to realize that Romulus was now kneeling on the ground. The man dug his fingers into the fabric of his shirt, directly over his heart.

“Nonno, what’s happening?” Feliciano asked, hands shaking as he hesitated to reach out and put a hand on his grandfather’s shoulder.

“I-I need you to call an ambulance, Feli.” was the stuttered reply. Even though Romulus was clearly struggling to breathe, he offered a reassuring smile to both his grandsons.

The fact that Lovino was included in this despite his outburst made his breath hitch in his throat, and he was suddenly reaching a hand out towards the man, “Nonno, I-”

His hand was swatted out of the way, Feliciano glowering at him, “Don’t touch him.”

Lovino immediately dropped his hand, feeling shame consume his entire being. He watched listlessly as his brother called an ambulance, barely hearing the soft conversation that Feliciano exchanged with their grandfather — their grandfather who was currently dying in the middle of the kitchen.

Their grandfather who was dying because of Lovino.

“I’m sorry.” Lovino whispered, although nobody heard him. He felt tears track down his cheeks, but he made no move to wipe them away. The anger was dissipating, and now all he felt was pure self-loathing.

He just alienated himself from the only people who had ever cared about him, the only people who made an effort to understand him.

“I-I didn’t mean to.” Lovino breathed, even softer than before. He stared at the scene in front of him, almost sobbing when his grandfather sent him a soft smile.

“We’ll t-talk about this… later.” Romulus said with some difficulty, his eyes rolling back before he fainted.

“Nonno?” Feliciano asked, shaking the man by his shoulder. “No, no, no, please wake up!”

There were only four words that flashed through Lovino’s mind, that repeated in his head like a twisted mantra. Over and over again, he asked, and wondered just four words:

What have I done?

Chapter Text

He was alive.

Thank fucking God, his grandfather was still alive.

It was unbearably sterile in that white-washed little room, the daylight pouring in through the open window bouncing obnoxiously off of the pale walls and glossy linoleum floor. Monitors beeped and footsteps echoed sharply off of the tile just outside in the hallway as hospital personnel rushed about. Lovino’s eye twitched in time with the incessant beep-ing of the life-giving machinery that was hooked up to his grandfather, the sharp smell of antiseptic stinging the inside of his nose.

Although Lovino’s eye twitched, he did not blink. His eyes were peeled wide open, burning for how long he kept his unwavering stare fixed on his ailing grandfather. The man was unconscious, but thankfully very much alive. His face, which before had been ashy as his heart betrayed his body, was now warm with color. He wore a standard hospital gown, the stuttering rise and fall of his chest the only movement he exhibited.

The shift of a body on the other side of the bed momentarily distracted Lovino from his fixed staring, glancing very briefly to his brother. Feliciano was also watching with an unblinking gaze, perhaps fearing as Lovino did that if he looked away then their grandfather would be gone. The youngest member of the small Vargas clan looked almost worse than the dying man in front of him. His eyes were red-rimmed, his cheeks were splotchy with tears, and his hair was tangled in a manner that nearly made him look feral. Feliciano hadn’t spoken a word to anybody since they arrived at the hospital, the silence the largest indicator that he was utterly shellshocked.

Lovino turned his gaze away from his brother and back to his grandfather, finding that he hadn’t moved. That wasn’t surprising, but still Lovino had this childish hope that the man would cast the covers aside and launch himself up, ruffling both his grandsons’ hair as he laughed away the entire situation. He would lead them out of the hospital together, one brother under either arm as he rambled about what a horrid place a hospital was. Lovino would apologize, they would make up, and life would go on as normal.

Normal.

What was normal anymore? Lovino had personally destroyed any sort of normalcy that their small family had. There was no going back from this, no forgiveness forthcoming for his explosive tirade. The damage was irreversible, and Lovino was having a hard time imagining a future where they could laugh together as they used to.

A muffled sniffle had Lovino glancing up again, his face crumpling with regret when he noticed his brother push a hand over his eyes to shield himself from view. Briefly, Lovino heard his own words from earlier drift through his head, ‘it’s a fucking miracle that nonno is still here, why don’t you get rid of him too?’

The irony was almost palpable.

The muted sniffles were turning into soft cries, and honestly Lovino felt like crying right alongside him. Feliciano ducked his head down, mumbling something that vaguely sounded like, I’m sorry.

Lovino twisted his lips to the side in concern, wondering if his brother actually blamed himself for this situation. It would seem like a far-fetched theory had it been anyone else, but Feliciano already blamed himself for the death of their mother — something that Lovino had so callously rubbed in his face a short while ago. It wouldn’t do for his little brother to blame himself for another tragedy (or near-tragedy), but when Lovino opened his mouth to say something, a nurse walked in.

The sound of padded footsteps on tile echoed dully in the little room, the sound enough for Feliciano to whip his head up and push on a painfully-fake smile. The nurse, a pretty brunette with high cheekbones and a dusting of freckles over her nose, smiled back as she reached for a clipboard.

The woman didn’t say anything, not at first, but Feliciano was never one to hold his silence for long, “Excuse me, signora.”

“Yes?” she asked distractedly, glancing up at a monitor before writing something down.

Feliciano’s smile faded when he realized that the woman wouldn’t look at him, “I’m sorry to be a bother, but is he going to be okay?”

Lovino scanned the woman’s face over carefully, trying to find anything that may clue him in to what her honest opinion on the matter was. Any twitch, any aborted attempts to speak, anything at all would be helpful, but the woman was resolute.

Her face remained carefully neutral, never faltering for an instant as she wrote something down on the clipboard, “His condition right now is stable.”

Well that wasn’t very forthcoming, a look of frustration mirrored perfectly in either brother’s face. The woman wrapped up shortly thereafter, breezing away without another word.

The silence left in the wake of the nurse’s departure wasn’t necessarily awkward, but it was uncomfortable. Lovino was stuck trying to decide whether he should try to apologize or not, but when he looked up to find his brother had tears gathered in his eyes again, all he wanted to do was reach out and comfort him.

Lovino fidgeted awkwardly with his hands, trying to choke out… something. Really, anything was better than silence, but he was dismayed to find how difficult it was. His mouth opened and closed repeatedly, kind of like a fish that was baking in the sun, trying with all his might to force something out. It took a while, but eventually he did manage to say, “What an unhelpful bitch.”

Fuck, he didn’t mean to say it like that.

Feliciano looked up at the sudden words, not necessarily glaring, but clearly not pleased either, “She’s just doing her job, you don’t have to be so mean.”

Lovino nodded softly in agreement, mentally cursing himself out for being such an unintentionally rude person. He didn’t know why he always had to make things worse, and he really didn’t do it on purpose.

He didn’t try to speak up again, instead fixing his grandfather with an unwavering gaze. The man was, as he had been for the past couple hours, out cold. Lovino watched the rise and fall of his chest, the constant movement almost hypnotic. It was lulling him into a dazed stupor, his mind wandering the longer he stared.

Lovino thought of his life, of his endless shortcoming as a person. He was vulgar, impulsive, emotionally stunted, lazy, and a whole host of other flaws bundled up into a neat little package of misery and self-hatred. Even in high school, he’d been anything but popular. It wasn’t like he’d been victimized, and nobody was particularly cruel to him (usually), but he’d never had any friends to speak of. Just his family.

Well, maybe not anymore.

Lovino glanced up to his brother, trying to hold onto an image of aloofness as he did so. Feliciano was now openly crying, mumbling in Italian what sounded like a prayer. His little brother should never look so devastated, so crushed. Lovino had to look away, feeling shame so potent he thought he may drown.

There was nothing for him here anymore, and Lovino knew it. He was a cancer to his family, slowly eating away at their happiness and wellbeing — the proof of which was still unconscious due to his actions. Lovino couldn’t find his own happiness, so he took others’. He brought people down to his level, hurt them so he wouldn’t hurt anymore. It never worked, but still he did it.

What could he do now? What should he do now? One option was to wait and pray that his grandfather pulled through this without any adverse effects. Once the man was healed, they could figure out things from there.

The other option sat heavily on Lovino’s mind — he could run away. The thought was intimidating, but enticing at the same time. He hated himself enough to put himself at the mercy of the outside world and say to hell with the consequences, but a selfish part of him begged him to stay.

I could apologize, gain their trust again. A part of Lovino's mind whispered.

But the other part of his mind screamed, You’ll just hurt them again. They’ll never forgive you. Just leave now before you fuck their lives up anymore than you already have.

As Lovino was deliberating in his mind, Feliciano moved from his seat and hovered over their grandfather’s bedside. He kneeled, looking like he was going to launch into another prayer when his whispered words drifted through, “Please don’t leave, you’re all I have left.”

He probably hadn’t meant it in a hurtful way, but still Lovino felt like he’d been punched in the gut. From the moment their father had walked out on them, they had always been together. It was always us and we, never just I. It felt like a rejection, like Lovino had already been ousted from their family, and he had nobody to blame but himself.

There was only one thing left to do, and Lovino prayed that he had the strength to carry it out.

He pushed himself up from his chair without a word, letting his eyes drift over his family one last time. Feliciano didn’t notice at first, too engrossed in his pained pleading for their grandfather’s survival. Lovino breathed a swift prayer under his breath for both of them before turning on his heel and out the door.

Lovino felt the sting of tears behind his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He kept his gaze fixed on the pure white linoleum below, only having to dodge a nurse or two a few times before he emerged in the lobby. Lovino swiped a hand over his eyes, not allowing himself to think about his decision for fear that he’d talk himself out of it.

This was the only way to ensure his family wouldn’t suffer anymore, the only way that they would be free from his cursed presence. He couldn’t make things worse if he wasn’t around, truly the logic was flawless.

Lovino stepped out of the hospital and onto the cracked and faded pavement outside. The sky was overcast, although the weather was finally beginning to warm up. Lovino put his head down and walked out into the parking lot, making a mental list of everything he needed to do before he left.

I need to get rid of my phone so they can’t track me. I should probably call a cab and grab some things at home, like a change of clothes, some money, maybe leave a note, and-

A sudden voice interrupted his train of thought, “Where are you going?”

Lovino froze, glancing over his shoulder to see his brother standing with crossed arms and a fierce scowl. He nearly shivered at how cold that expression was, “Just needed some fresh air, calm down.”

Feliciano scoffed, “Then why are you in the middle of the parking lot?”

“Fresh air.” Lovino reiterated, gesturing vaguely to the atmosphere around them. “What, am I not allowed to be by myself now?”

He was making a big deal out of this on purpose, trying to push his brother away for long enough to slip away. Unfortunately, Feliciano was a lot more stubborn than he gave him credit for, “You should at least tell me where you’re going. What if something happens to Nonno?”

“You mean something else?” Lovino hissed, turning to fully face the younger with a scowl of his own.

Feliciano deflated at the reminder of why they were there, rubbing a hand over his red-rimmed eyes, “I’m just afraid that you’re going to do something stupid.”

Lovino felt something like unease in the pit of his stomach, wondering if he’d been caught. He tried to play it off cool, rolling his eyes as he said, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I know you, Lovino.” Feliciano whispered, suddenly taking a step forward. “I know that you don’t always think before you act, and that you say things you don’t mean.”

“How do you know I didn’t mean it?” Lovino snarked back, trying to inch away.

Feliciano sighed, halting in his forward progress, “You never mean it. What you said hurts, but you know that I’ll still forgive you.”

This was a quality that Lovino both admired and abhorred about his brother, his ability to forgive so easily. With that one statement alone, he was telling Lovino that he understood that he hadn’t meant to push so far, that it was never his intention to hurt them. Feliciano really did know his brother well, and the way he was able to bury his own hurt in favor of forgiveness made Lovino feel weak with shame.

Lovino’s bottom lip began to quiver before he could gain control over his emotions, so he bit down on it. He had to turn away from his brother’s open staring, hating himself more and more. He didn’t deserve Feliciano’s forgiveness, not for the things he said.

It was clear that his brother didn’t intend to let him slip away so easily. There was only one way to get away now, and Lovino knew how much it was going to hurt both of them. He took a deep breath before twisting his face into a grotesque scowl that dripped derision, “I guess you don’t know me as well as you thought, because I meant every single word.”

Lie.

“W-what?” Feliciano breathed, retreating by just a step.

Lovino scoffed, “When I said you were worthless? Yeah, you bet your ass I meant that!”

Lie.

Feliciano’s eyes filled with tears, taking another two steps back, “But… but why?”

Lovino made sure to keep his glare sharp, but inside he was dying, “Because you killed our mother, and I’ll never, never forgive you for that.”

Lie.

The words cut deep, Feliciano placing a shaky hand over his heart like it was breaking, “D-do you really think that?”

No.

“Yes.” Lovino growled, taking several swift steps forward to shove a finger into his brother’s chest. “You’re a fucking idiot if you think that I’ll ever forgive you for that. God, you’re so stupid. A no-good, lazy, piece of shit like you doesn’t deserve this family!”

Lies, lies, lies.

Feliciano was openly crying now, no response forthcoming as his shoulders hitched up in agony.

Lovino wanted nothing more than to throw himself off the hospital roof, but he resisted the sudden urge to instead take his leave. There was no way his brother would respond to that, so he turned on his heel to stomp away-

“Lovi.” Feliciano sobbed, catching the elder by the sleeve of his shirt.

A normal reaction might have been to stop and turn around, but Lovino wasn’t really thinking clearly. He whipped around, shoving his brother harshly off of him, “Get off!”

Feliciano stumbled clumsily back at the sudden shove, his front foot catching on the back before he crashed heavily on the ground. His arm got trapped beneath his body as he fell, the sharp snap of something breaking causing Lovino to flinch violently away.

Feliciano didn’t scream, nor did he cry out, he merely curled up on his side with broken little sniffles. He gripped at his forearm, his breathing now coming out in labored puffs as he grappled with the obvious pain of having his arm broken.

Lovino stared at his hands, unable to believe that they had carried out such an atrocity against his own flesh and blood. He snapped his gaze back up, finding his brother with a clenched jaw and eyes squeezed tightly shut.

It wasn’t dramatic the way things had played out, the sequence of events happening so quickly that Lovino was frozen. He watched as his brother curled up further on himself, feeling that desire to hurl himself off the roof increase tenfold.

“Shit, I didn’t mean…” Lovino whispered, trailing off as his brother actually began sobbing. It was such a broken noise, so small that Lovino did the only thing he could think of.

He ran.

“Fuck, shit, dammit, holy FUCK!” Lovino screamed the last word, sprinting out of the parking lot and down the sidewalk. He couldn’t see where he was going through the tears, the sickening sound of the snap of bone replaying over and over in his head.

Why did he always make things worse? Why did his mere existence cause people so much pain? Lovino couldn’t believe how disgusting he was, how he was able to turn any situation for the worst. Feliciano’s arm was broken, he wouldn’t be able to write. He wouldn’t be able to draw.

“Oh God.” Lovino choked on a sob as he continued to run. If he was the reason that his little brother couldn’t follow his passion, then he may just lose it entirely. There was no other option now, he had to run away. First he would call a cab, he’d grab only the essentials before withdrawing as much as he could from his bank account. After that, he’d ditch his phone and jump on the first bus out of the city and leave.

Let whatever come may, Lovino thought as he sprinted down the pavement, whatever happened to him didn’t matter. He deserved to suffer, deserved to be punished for his actions.

He wouldn’t look back, wouldn’t look for forgiveness. He didn’t want it. He didn’t deserve it.