Archive of Our Own ^beta

Okay, uh. Okay. 

It’s now… January third. New year, new me. Hahah, yeah… that’s a little late, but I feel like I didn’t make the joke enough so-

God, Leif, it’s your diary , you don’t have to explain yourself to it. 

Okay! First entry. New year, new me, resolution- Doctor Hansen said that recording my thoughts and feelings might help me organize my brain and move forward with a plan instead of lingering on the details. Plus, video format means talking, which is supposed to help with my public speaking thing. We’ll see, I guess. 

It’s supposed to be private, just a log for me. He won’t read them, just wants to see that I did it. Watch them? I don’t know. 

It feels weird, talking to my laptop. The apartment walls are thick enough that Tobin can’t hear me, plus he promised that he’d plug his ears if he heard me crying or something but uh- kinda makes it worse. 

He’s my best friend. It’d be less weird to vent to him than it is my webcam. 

Then again, Hansen said that that might get emotionally straining on both of us, so I guess I get it. 

Anyway, this morning for breakfast I decided I wanted to make pancakes, but we apparently didn’t have any flour, so-

-which sucks, obviously, but it’s not like every book is going to be as good as fucking Shakespeare or whatever, so I’ll get over it. 

Uhm.

Tobin has a new girlfriend. Her name is Kate, she seems really sweet, honestly. Like, she loves Sci-fi, and she teaches middle school girls to code, she likes dogs. Jesus, she probably volunteers at a soup kitchen in her free time-

I don’t know why I’m being so mean. She’s really nice. 

God, what’s wrong with me?

Whatever. Maybe I just need a girlfriend too, or something. 

Speaking of, my mom called me again trying to set me up with Samantha Borogrove, which was awkward but-

-I mean, God knows why they straight up called it a “pungee pit” in a Tony Hawk video game, but I’m not even gonna question it. Don’t have the energy. 

Tobin and Kate broke up. Tobin said it was mutual, but he did it in that tone of voice where I could tell he meant that he dumped her and just felt bad about it. 

It’s weird. She was… really nice. Uh, good for him. He was more mellow around her. Then again, Tobin hasn’t ever really liked being mellow. Maybe that was the problem?

Hah, go figure. Tobin had to break up with his girlfriend because he literally cannot chill the hell out. 

It’s February twenty first and Tobin is dating someone non-binary! 

I did not know that was a thing. 

I mean, I knew non-binary people exist. Obviously, but, uh. I didn’t know Tobin was fine with dating them? Which is cool, obviously. Great. Fine. 

Why didn’t he tell me, though?

Does he not trust me?

We’ve been friends for ages, I’ve seen him pee his pants, he let me borrow his gym clothes when Nancy Herron spilled chili on me, we‘re tight. 

I mean, I thought we were. 

Maybe he doesn’t actually trust me as much as I trust him. Like, he’s always been the most important person in my life, even when I was with Allison and shit, bros before hoes, but maybe that’s weird. Maybe I’m, like, a placeholder until he gets a steady partner and moves in with her- them, shit- moves in with them and sees me at work and once a week at a bar or some shit, sends me a text once or twice a day but not like it is now, maybe I’ve been, like, building us up in my head, when really-

…

No, I’m fine Tobin!

…

Yeah, Chinese sounds good!

…

Christ. 

God, I’m a disaster. 

He mentions going on a third date with Jo and I lose my mind? It’s a good thing I’m in therapy already. Okay. Okay, okay. 

Positive, constructive thinking. 

Tobin’s my best friend, and I’m his. And he’s made it clear that I still come first. And if I don’t feel better about this, I can always talk to him about it. 

At least he’s easy to talk to?

But, I swear, if he orders from that one takeaway place again just because he likes the fortune cookies, I will tear his throat out and-

Jo is amazing and I hate them. 

They’re perfect!

I’m an asshole. 

It’s April fourteenth, and uh. Just got back from therapy.

Hansen says it’s totally normal for me to still be figuring out my sexuality. Like, that in coming-of-age movies, everyone realizes in middle school, or at least college. So it feels weird, to still be… not sure? 

It makes sense, though. Like, as people, we change and develop throughout life. And obviously I’ve got some repressed shit, so of course I didn’t deal with me being- with me liking guys, when I was a kid. 

So, um, yeah. I like guys now. I always did, I guess, now I’m just dealing with it.

Hansen gave me a bunch of pamphlets with websites and shit, and there are a lot of labels. Like, I knew there were a lot! But there are really very many. 

I like guys. I still like girls. I like- uh, I’m not asexual. I don’t- I don’t know. It’s overwhelming.

It’s nice, too… there’s a community. A lot of communities, hahah. But, it’s nice. It’s just a lot right now. 

-But of course the great Tobin Batra couldn’t be bothered to pick up some actually healthy cereal. Like, christ, man, we can’t survive on Cinnamon Toast Crunch. He’s going to die from malnutrition before he’s forty, and I’ll laugh at his grave when he does. 

Jo got this big job opportunity. Some company in Sweden, I don’t know. But, it looks like they’re going to take it, so I don’t know what that means for Tobin and them. Their relationship.

I think Tobin’s just trying not to think about it. Jo leaves in two weeks. 

I think I’m bisexual? Or, biromantic bisexual. I’m still not super sure how to phrase it. Maybe I’m pansexual? Or, uh, poly? 

But, I think I’m bi. Which is… cool. 

Is it weird that I, like, don’t feel bi enough? 

I know, logically, that the only, uh, prerequisite for being bi is liking guys and girls. But, so many queer people are so loud and proud. Which is awesome. Just, not me. 

Probably, it’s just one of those feelings that I’ll get over as time goes on. 

May second, I just got back from therapy, fuckers. 

Hansen said it might help my, quote, “feelings of inadequacy relating to the lgbtq community” if I found ways to reach out to other queer folk? So I’m going to go to a gay bar tonight. 

Actually, this is maybe, probably, definitely a bad idea. Why did Hansen say “meet people” and I immediately go to “gay bar!” 

I could just, like, follow some tags on tumblr. Join a discord. I don’t know, go to a protest. 

Fuck. Fuck it! Fuck it, I’m going to a gay bar. For friendly chatting reasons, and not to pick up a guy. 

A bar is probably a pretty shitty place to go for this, huh?

The bar was a great idea. I met Samantha and her girlfriend Kat, and there were a few drag queens I didn’t approach because that was, like, a little much for me. 

Aw shit, am I homophobic? Am I queer and homophobic? What, were they too gay for me to feel comfortable around? I’m gay, this shouldn’t be a problem I have!

Well, good luck dealing with this aspect of my psyche, Dr. Hansen.

Jo and Tobin broke up. 

All the way, I mean. It was sort of on the fritz there for a while. But they left today, and Tobin didn’t see them off at the airport. 

He’s not, like, crying or anything. I don’t think anyone else would notice how torn up he is about it. But, he really liked them. So, this sucks. 

I-

I don’t feel as bad about it as I probably should. So, that, well. I’m not prepared to deal with that, at the moment. 

-And i was like, “I’m not drunk, I’m bisexual and drunk!”

Which, uh. Wasn’t the way I wanted to come out to my brothers, but here we are. 

God knows they never shut up, so my mom’s probably going to call me any second, freaking out. I have no idea what her reaction is going to be. I hope she’s cool. We never really- our family didn’t ever talk about politics. We avoid conflict and pretend that’s the same as agreeing. 

I’ll see soon enough. 

I should… come out. To Tobin. Soon. 

God, I already know he’ll be cool about it. He’s queer too, y‘know? 

Maybe it’s like… maybe it’s like this. Hypothetically;

Hypothetically, Tobin invites over his partner, who isn’t a girl, and this sparks my whole sexuality crisis because I guess if Tobin can be not-straight so can I, so now I’m able to let myself think about it. 

And, in this hypothetical universe, I realize I’m bi, and then immediately notice how pretty Tobin is, and that the jealousy I always felt towards Tobin’s partners probably wasn’t “I wish I was dating someone”, and more, “I wish I was dating Tobin, my best friend and roommate.”

And, hypothetically, this would be super overwhelming, because I can either never say anything and he’ll never know and he can’t reject me but he can’t date me either, and he’ll hold other people’s hands and have sex with other people and I’ll just have to suffer through. 

Or, I could tell him, “hey, I really like you and have for a while, and maybe it’s something more than like-like, even, want to kiss?” And he could either say “hell yeah!” or he could not return the feelings, and be too nice to leave all the way, but sort of quietly fade out of my life. 

And. That would suck. Uh, hypothetically. 

And as long as I don’t come out, I don’t have to choose which way I go. I don’t have to tell him or not-tell him anything. 

… 

Shit. I have to tell him, don’t I?

I couldn't live with myself, if I didn’t. 

I’m telling him tonight. 

For real this time, tonight. That I’m bi, that I’m in-

That I like him. 

Tonight. 

Next Wednesday?

I can’t tell him! I’m trying so hard, but I can't! 

Yesterday I told him I had something important to tell him, so he sits at the kitchen table with me and is all, “nothing you do or say changes that you’re my best friend,” and I just panic.

So I told him I thought I had syphilis! What the fuck is wrong with me?!

So now he’s going to go with me to Planned Parenthood so I can get tested, because he thought I was scared and wanted emotional support. 

Oh my god. 

I was going to tell him I loved him, and instead I told him I had an std. 

Fuck me.

But not literally, apparently, he thinks I have syphilis! 

June seventeenth.

Good news! I don’t have any stds. Bad news, everything else about that visit. 

Tobin was fine! He wasn’t awkward or anything. He was super supportive, understanding, etcetera. I was a mess. 

At least he thought it was from anxiety. 

The receptionist gave me a condom on the way out. I wanted to die. 

Tobin told me to take it easy on the sex, which was worse. I don’t know if I believe in God, but if He’s out there, He has a sick sense of humor. 

I told him!

It’s June twenty second, I didn’t even mean to or anything, but he was like “I’m going to a bar” and I was like, “can I tag along?” and he was super awkward, and then he told me it was a gay bar, and I said “that’s fine, I’m bi.”

Oh my god!

I’m so proud of myself. Which is probably dorky. But I am!

He doesn’t know… the rest of it. How I feel about him. 

Still though! First step, taken. Hell yeah! I’m the fucking boss! Bow down, plebeians, to your bisexual king!

Hah! Now all I need to do is tell him I love-

Shit. 

What am I thinking? I can’t do that! It took me a month to tell him I’m bi. 

I’m fucked. I’m so fucked. 

I saw Tobin walk out of the bathroom from his shower in just a towel. I have to tell him. I will die if I have to deal with this. 

Hey! 

Tobin here.

Leif is freaking out and hiding in the linen closet, ‘cause he told me he liked me. He ran away before I could respond, because he’s a big dumb idiot, and apparently blind. 

I’ve been in love with Leif since fucking senior year of Highschool. I was not subtle, at all, to the point where I literally asked him to go to prom with me and he responded “hell yeah, let’s go stag!”

He’s so dumb. I love him. 

He’s not responding to my texts, and he’s jammed the closet door shut, dramatic fucker. Is that supposed to be a metaphor? 

I’m leaving him this video, and then I’m going to leave the apartment and walk around the block until he calls me. 

Seriously, Leif. We could have been making out for years! 

I love you. See you soon. 

Hahah, uhm… June twenty fifth. 

I have a boyfriend now?

It’s- it’s really good. 

I never really thought I would get this. Him. Not that he’s a thing I own, he’s his own person, I meant like-

I get to hug him good morning, now. And hold his hand. And kiss him, and go on dates, and other stuff… it’s really nice. 

It’s, uh… yeah. It’s really, really nice. 

I love him.