Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It would be a lie to say high school was the best time of your life. 

Some make their best friends there, others struggle to be a part of that place, and many just want it to be over with. Some are lucky to be classmates with like-minded teenagers, others have the misfortune of being bullied, a few breeze by unnoticed. Adolescent self-esteems are fragile, often hinging on the perception others have of them; those who thrive are either aware of how little other people’s opinions matter, or are quite certain of their superiority. 

That is the difference between a good and a bad high school experience, it would seem. 

It’s not about the strong and the weak —physically. The popular and the beautiful, the athletes and the geeks. It’s about the strong and weak-minded; those who figure out who they are amid a mass of strangers, those who follow the herd because they don’t yet know who they’ll be, those who stay in a bubble and wait for those four years to end. 

Finding yourself in high school is hard. 

Losing yourself, however, is much easier. 

“Jesus Christ Bazine, don’t stare,” a nasal voice hisses, and Snap Wexley elbows his girlfriend in the ribs, trying to get her to move along. “Let’s go. The teachers will be here soon.” 

Bazine flicks her black hair back, giving him a cool glare. 

“I want to see what’s going on, or we’ll be hearing it second hand from everyone else. Don’t you wanna know?” 

They’re among the people in the hallway crowded in a semicircle around a curled up body; the boy is trying to make himself as small as he can, even though he can feel how the green paint is dripping down his hair and falling to the ground. It runs down his neck, cold and slimy, and he keeps wondering how long till one of the teachers catch Pryde, shoo away the crowd and let him go home. He’ll shower beforehand, as he always does, and tell his mom he had a migraine and got sent home early when she asks why his phone places him at home; the school never calls his parents when something like this happens because it’s always Pryde who bullies him, and Pryde is the principal’s son. The boy never tells his parents, afraid that they’ll pull him out and he’ll have to catch up to another school’s curriculum. Maybe it’s his fault he still faces these situations; his family’s much more powerful than Pryde’s, so it’d be odd that the school isn’t afraid of repercussions —if not for Principal Pryde being worse than his son. They don’t know about his fractured relationship with the aforementioned family. Maybe he’ll tell on everyone on his last day of school. 

He knows he won’t, and he knows that things will be the same in a new high school. He just has to tough it out and hope his mind doesn’t break. 

It’s around one o’clock, right on the verge of lunch ending. He just has to endure a few more minutes and everyone will go away. 

“What’s going on?” A loud voice cuts through the crowd, but nobody moves away; it must not be a teacher, then. The boy wants to cry; she wants him to spell it out for her?

“Pryde is teaching Solo a lesson,” a voice replies, and for the life of him, Ben Solo can’t figure out who that is. “He spilled paint on his Ferragamo shoes during art class.” 

Ben hears murmurs, and the girly voice grows closer still. 

“But those are so tacky,” she complains, and he’s pretty sure the crowd must be parting to let her through. Ben can’t place her voice; it sounds younger than him, and he’s certain he’s never heard her in one of his classes. 

“What did you say?” Enric Pryde sets the can of paint down next to Ben’s ear, but he doesn’t dare open his eyes; he doesn’t think paint in your corneas washes off easy. 

“I said,” the girl continues, and he feels something rustle as warmth comes to kneel down next to him. “That he did you a favor.” 

Ben hears giggles and murmurs, and he’s sure people are, for once, laughing at Pryde. 

“Who the fuck is this bitch?” Pryde spits out, and he’s about to continue when something stops him. “Wait. You’re Rey, aren’t you? The freshman.” 

A freshman is defending him, Ben wails inside. Could he be any more embarrassed? He’s a senior, for fuck’s sake. And here is a young girl fighting his battles.

“Sure am,” Rey says, and that’s when Ben feels small hands wiggle underneath his forehead, startling him. She leans closer to him, where she assumes his ears are. “Can you raise your head? I’ll try catching any paint so it doesn’t fall on your eyes.” 

He hears Pryde fuming about something else, but he doesn’t pay him any mind as he raises his head a little and, after blinking a few times to blink away the blurriness, finds a tiny girl smiling at him. 

“I think we’re good,” she says, letting go of his forehead and letting his long hair flop on top. She’s got hazel eyes, and three hair buns that make up an odd hairstyle, and he’s pretty sure if they stand up she’ll reach his belly button. Maybe that’s an exaggeration, but she’s tiny. She’s also dazzlingly pretty, and he’s sure she’ll be even more so when she grows up. 

“Thank you,” Ben murmurs, and her smile grows broader. 

“You’re welcome,” she says, and then looks down at her hands. They’re green, and he feels incredibly guilty about that. Then not so much when, after a brief moment of deliberation, she reaches over and cleans her hands off on Ferragamo shoes. 

Ben is certain he hears someone gasp. 

“You fucking—”

Rey is quick to stand up, and even quicker to stop the arm that tries to lift her by the shirt. For someone so small, she’s very strong, not letting Pryde move an inch. 

“You’re an asshole,” she says calmly, and lets him go. Ben notices the accent then, and he can’t help but think it fits her. He sees her turn to the people, a few of whom are already trying to scramble. “You all are, if you think this is funny. It’s not. It’s cruel, and I shouldn’t be the only person standing here. So unless you’re here to help, go away.” 

Pryde, thinking he has something on Rey, scoffs and crosses his arms over his chest. 

“What’s it to you, huh? You’re the foster care girl, aren’t you? The girl whose parents left at a fire station. I bet your clothes are hand-me-downs,” Pryde snickers, and only a few people dare laugh along. Many are scattering, not wanting to be part of the spectacle anymore. 

Rey raises an eyebrow. 

“I might not have parents, but at least I have morals. And yes; this shirt’s Goodwill, though the jeans are new. Thanks for noticing. You done being an eighties bully?” Rey rolls her eyes, letting out a long sigh. “You’ve got five seconds,” Rey says, leaning down to grab the can of paint before Pryde can, “Before I help all of you channel your inner Hulk. And those fancy shoes will be the first to go.” 

Pryde glares long and hard before leaving, his cronies following close behind. The rest of the crowd scatters, and now that Ben can see them, he sees they’re mostly seniors. 

When the last person leaves, Rey turns back to face Ben. Her smile dims, and she drops to her knees in front of him. 

“That was nerve-wracking,” Rey whispers, as though she’s letting him in on a secret, her eyes flickering over him. “Is he always such a dick?” 

She looks so small and innocent, so it’s startling to hear her say that. Ben holds back a laugh, but only because he’s not sure this is all real. 

So, he nods instead. 

Grimacing, Rey stands up again, and she holds a hand out. 

“I’m Rey,” she says, then wiggles her thin fingers. “Come on, let me help you up. I’m sure your legs are numb.” 

Tentatively, he holds a hand out, and lets her clasp his hand around his thumb; it is significantly smaller than his, so she needs her other hand to clasp all of it and help pull him up. 

“Thank you,” Ben says, shoulders hunched over. As he thought, she’s so small; barely reaches his nipple. Or perhaps it’s him who’s too tall; he’s six foot three, and his joints are hurting with what feels like another inch, maybe even two. “I’m Ben.” 

Her smile broadens, and he notices that her nose scrunches up when she smiles wide. 

“It’s nice to meet you,” she says, and it sounds sincere. “And I hope I didn’t make things worse, it’s just… Nobody deserves this.” Rey motions to his hair, flinching at the picture he must make. Her eyes widen. “Oh my God, go wash it off before it dries!” 

Ben suddenly remembers his predicament, and though he’d certainly like to spend the next hour talking to this curious freshman, he knows if it dries he’ll have to cut his hair, and his ears are not ready to make an appearance. 

“Shit,” he mumbles, making her lips twitch in amusement. He grabs his backpack, which he’d been protecting with his body. He makes to run off, but just as his foot takes one step, he glances back at the girl. “Sorry for involving you, but… I appreciate it.” 

Her smile grows even wider, watching the older boy scurry off towards the nearest bathroom. 

Much to Pryde’s fury, Rey Niima is such a joy to be around that, within three months of her freshman year of high school, she’s got everyone except the seniors (due to the whole ‘you’re assholes fiasco’) wrapped around her finger. 

She hangs out, mostly, with three people: Finn Storm, Rose Tico (both freshmen like her) and Poe Dameron (a sophomore). Paige, Rose’s junior sister, often hangs out with them. 

Ben watches all of this from afar, wondering how he could possibly grow closer to Rey. She’s bright, always pulling people into her circle. Never too cool to hang out with anyone; so pretty that she outshines her hand-me-downs. People take no time at all in switching out ‘the kid from foster care’ to ‘Rey Niima’, and at times it makes Ben envy her; four years later, he’s still ‘Dumbo’. A few times he tries to approach her, but he finds it hard to get close enough to get a word in; he’s not painfully shy, but he’s all too aware of the difference in the social ladder. Plus, his ears still heat up when he remembers her seeing him curled into a ball. 

He wants to be her friend. 

The brightness she caries, her likability, her confidence; they’re things Ben has always admired, and he wants to ask her how she does it. He knows it’s an effort, because she didn’t pretend her interaction with Pryde stemmed from a fearless personality, but from a brave one. 

He wants to be brave. 

Still, as the months have gone by, he’s found himself still being unable to approach her. He doesn’t have lunch in the cafeteria, choosing the art room instead; he doesn’t have friends, but no one bothers him there. Mrs. Groff, the art teacher, stopped trying to get him to socialize two years ago. 

His parents got him a car for his sixteenth birthday, hoping he’d give rides to his friends. He doesn’t, though he’s glad he’s not forced to sit through the hell that is the school bus. Still, he’s always parked nearby the bus parking, so every once in a while (when he gets distracted and stares into space) he’ll find himself looking out the windshield at Rey, who’s in line waiting for the school bus to open its doors so it can take her home. There’s always someone there with her, talking her ear off; she always smiles back and engages, but sometimes he gets the feeling she’s tired. As if she could do with some of the silence that constantly surrounds him. Sometimes, he gets the urge to ask her if she wants a ride home; then he remembers they’re not friends, and he’s an older guy however displeasing to look at he is, and she might not feel comfortable with the suggestion. So he just watches, those times he finds himself accidentally looking. 

He doesn’t like like her. She looks even younger than she probably is, and so skinny her jeans are always held up tight by a belt; besides, he doesn’t really know her. But he wants to, because he wants to ask her what’s the secret to making people like you. He doesn’t want the idiots that surround him to be his friends, but he’s already thinking about college and how he’s going to fare over there. He doesn’t like feeling alone, but so far he’s been unable to change his situation. He’d like to, though. Very much so. 

He almost talked to her once, when she was getting out of AP English (confirming for him that she’s smart) and he was going into the classroom next door for AP Math. She was about to bump into him, and he wanted her to because it’d give him an excuse to talk to her, but Finn Storm noticed and gently tugged her out of his way, throwing Ben a sheepish smile over his shoulder. Ben did not return it. 

It’s Halloween today. 

There’s supposed to be a huge party at Zorii’s, a junior, since her parents are out of town; everyone is invited, and she really does mean everyone. Not only is that not Ben’s scene, there’s a sci-fi festival going on today in the outskirts of Chandrila. It’s not the biggest one there is (that’d be Fire-Con, which always happens in April), but he likes it for the nearly-forgotten movies they project across the parking lot and the like-minded fans who gather in different tents, talking fandoms. Since it always falls on Halloween, everyone goes in a costume. 

Not Ben, though. 

If someone from school sees him, it’d feed fuel to the fire; his pride is minimal, but not non-existent. 

So that Friday, when school lets out, Ben makes his way home excitedly. He greets the empty house like he always does, pretending that someone other than old Threepio (his name is Pious III, but they like him so they don’t call him that) is there to greet him. Threepio’s deaf anyway, so he never hears his greetings, and whenever Ben tries going over to greet him he always finds the butler asleep. 

Today is one of the few days where he doesn’t mind the echoes of an empty house. 

When he gets to his room, he throws his backpack on the bed and heads for his closet. Rummaging through it, he finds his combat boots, a black turtleneck and his leather jacket (black). He might not be wearing a costume, but he can dress as his favorite bounty-hunter; it’s too subtle for most people to realize, but he doesn’t mind. He never talks to anyone anyway, so it’s not like he’s expecting anyone to ask him what he’s dressed as.

He takes a quick shower to wash away the paint still sticking to his fingers, making sure to give his hair an extra wash just in case. He always does this: do things just in case when nothing ever happens, because nothing ever changes with him. It’s a habit now more than an expectation. 

What he likes about this outfit, Ben ponders as he looks at himself in the floor-length mirror, is that it hides how thin he is. He’s not super skinny, even has quite the arm muscle from holding up his arms to paint, but that’s it; no abs, no thunder thighs, nothing. His shoulders are wide, which does a good job of hiding everything once he’s got the jacket on. 

He pauses in front of the mirror. 

Big ears. A big nose. A variety of misplaced moles, but thankfully no acne. Crooked teeth. Hair too short for comfort since he had to cut it after the paint fiasco. He wondered what women thought when they saw him; if they saw someone they could grow to like, or if he was that guy that was picked out in the middle of a crowd because of how big his ears were. He hoped not; he might not have loved himself, but he didn’t find himself hideous either. It would hurt, he was sure, if someone ever told him otherwise. Well, someone who mattered. He’d certainly been called enough names by Pryde. 

Stop.

Shaking himself out of negative thoughts, Ben looks around his room. His art is scattered all around it; wilting flowers, rainy days, starry nights. He likes drawing strangers, so he has a whole section dedicated to them; mostly quick sketches that caught a moment he wasn’t skilled enough to catch on camera. His canvas is where it always is, in the corner of the room; a half-finished project of an outstretched hand with green flecks of paint makes up the current painting. 

He remembers to charge his phone, just in case of an emergency, so he plugs it in; he sees he has one message pending from his mother. Will be late tonight, it says, and he doesn’t bother replying. Ben always wishes his mother would stop telling him when something’s more important than him, which is every day. After a while, instead of hurting, he just feels numb; if not, he’s angry, and then he’s painting. 

Today he’s too happy to be angry. 

He was a little late in leaving school (he had to explain to Mrs. Groff why he just couldn’t draw that picture with pastel, when it clearly demanded watercolors), so right now he has to hurry or the first movie will start without him. Figuring a handful of minutes was enough to charge his phone (it’s well above the about-to-die percentage, and in any case he has a charger in his car), he grabs it along with his car keys, wallet and messenger bag; his sketching book is inside, and no way is he going to this event unprepared for drawing. 

He leaves Threepio a note pasted to the fridge saying he arrived and left, knowing the old man will worry otherwise. Then he flies out. 

He swings by a Wendy’s quickly, knowing he’ll get munchy during the movie and he has no love lost for the festival’s popcorn. Hamburger, fries and Sprite in hand, he drives on to the festival, listening to Queen; it’s not often he feels like rock, but today is one of those days. He even sings along to a couple of verses. 

After parking and paying for his ticket at the entrance, he finds the event already half-full; it usually can’t hold that many people, but there’s still quite a few for the space they’re working with. He quickly makes his way to the grass, choosing a spot near the middle; people usually preferred the back, and he’s not in the mood to hear couples making out. The movie is being projected high up enough he doesn’t even have to worry about blocking anyone’s view. 

The first thirty minutes go by quickly, and he finds he wishes he’d bought another hamburger; sometimes, he forgets his size and how hard it is to fill him up. He’ll have to grab dinner before heading home. 

He feels something touching his left knee, and frowning, Ben looks down; it’s another knee, covered in ripped jeans. He wants to tell the owner off for invading his private space, but when he follows its path he finds Rey smiling brightly back at him. His frown melts; he finds himself grinning awkwardly back. 

“Hi Ben!” Rey whispers back excitedly, wiggling in her seat. “Fancy meeting you here. Popcorn?” 

He’d say no if his stomach wasn’t protesting its hunger. 

“Hey,” he whispers back, though his voice is much fainter. He grabs a small handful; it’s salty. “Thanks.”

“Sure,” she winks back, then turns back around to watch the rest of the movie. 

Neither talks during, because they’re surrounded by hardcore fans whose shushing skills are the best of the city, on par with any librarian. He’s seen this movie twenty times, so he’s not in need of his full concentration; every once in a while, he hears her laugh, and afterwards he looks at her out of the corner of his eye. She’s dressed like she was in the morning, he thinks; same three hair-buns as always. The popcorn bag is huge in her hands, but she cleans it off easily. She has a healthy appetite for someone half his size. It amuses him. 

When the movie ends, they’re informed that there will be a thirty-minute break before the sequel plays. They stand up to shake their legs out. 

“I need to hit the loo. I’ll be right back,” Rey informs him, but Ben takes one look around the dark venue and he hesitantly taps her shoulder before she can walk away. 

“I should come with you.” 

She looks like she wants to argue —he knows she’s stronger than she looks— but, after letting her eyes sweep from him to the people around them she must realize what he doesn’t say. It’s about not leaving her alone. 

“Ok. Thanks.” 

They’re silent as they make their way to the public restrooms, Ben slowing his stride to go at the same pace as Rey. When they get there, he’s thankful there’s no line; he waits next to the door as he waits for her to finish up. 

“So,” Rey says, wiping off her wet hands on her jeans. She cranes her neck up to meet his eyes. “Are you a sci-fi fan?” 

He shrugs. 

“Well enough to be here. Not a hardcore fan or anything, though,” he admits, thinking he doesn’t want to give her the impression of being a nerd. It’s the truth, anyway; his obsession is art, though sometimes he has the urge of making fan art from his favorite movies or comics. He sells those cheap. 

“I love science fiction,” Rey gushes, turning away from him to see the witches and elves making their way throughout the festival. “Planet of the Apes is my heroine. Even if the CGI does scare me a little.”

He’s surprised this girl is scared of anything, so he barks out a laugh. Startled, Rey looks up at him, blinking quickly. As if she can’t believe he’s capable. For a moment he’s worried he offended her, but then her lips quirk up and she gives a helpless little shrug. 

“I recommend something like Blade Runner instead, then,” Ben says as they head towards one of the stands. They’re selling planet-shaped apple candy, and when he sees Rey stare at it longingly, he stops and buys one. Then he turns and hands it off easily enough. 

Rey’s reluctant to accept it. 

“Oh, thank you but I can’t…” she trails off, eyes trained on the candy. She doesn’t tell him it feels like charity, and he doesn’t need her to say it to know. 

“I don’t like sweets, but I’ve always wanted to buy one. Besides, I already paid.” 

Uncertain, Rey flickers her gaze between the apple and his eyes, torn. He waves it teasingly. 

“I’ll pay you back,” Rey offers. 

He shakes his head. 

“Consider it a thank you for your help that time.”

Hearing that, he sees it in her eyes how she wants to argue that she didn’t help him for this, that it’s not necessary. Still, he’s providing a tit for tat so she doesn’t feel she owes him, and she claws at that chance. 

“Then you’re welcome,” Rey says, taking the candy from his massive hand. She licks off a bit of chocolate, and Ben holds back from smiling; she looks like a kid. As they walk to the next stand, trying to determine if something will catch their eye, he feels her look at his back. “I like your jacket. It suits you.” 

Ben’s ears heat up, but he doesn’t turn back. He thanks her quietly, hiking his bag higher on his shoulder; it brings her attention to it. 

“What’s in there?” Rey asks, hurrying to walk next to him again. “Unless that’s a rude thing to ask. I’m sorry, I just thought it might be something exciting.” 

“It’s alright,” Ben reassures, having completely forgotten about his bag in truth. He’d been too entertained during the last two hours. “It’s just my sketch book.” 

He suddenly finds her racing to stop him from walking, mouth already ringed with apple juice, chocolate and sprinkles. 

“That’s so cool,” she grins widely, eyes shining. “What do you draw?” 

He swallows hard.

“Mostly scenes. I usually prefer sketching people though.” 

His eyes capture the moment then, knowing he’ll draw it later. Rey, her back to the crowd, apple candy on one hand and the other set forth in a vague stop motion; mouth dirty, happy, eyes bright, a few hairs loose. The witches, wizards, elves, and occasional vampire in the background. The tents from the festival to his left, Star Trek showing in the distance. 

His fingers itch to immortalize this moment. 

Then he snaps back to the present, because Rey is rocking on the balls of her feet excitedly and stepping closer. 

“Can I see them?” 

She can, he tells her, even as his heart pounds furiously with the anxiety of someone else assessing his work. He never shows it off. It’s private, his feelings on paper, but he figures if someone will be nice about it is her. Ben doesn’t know why; he still doesn’t know much about this girl. 

“Sure, when we find some light.” 

This satisfies her, and so they spend the next two hours switching between perusing the tents, watching the movie and talking about sci-fi. Rey talks a lot, he notices, but not about herself. She mentions off-handedly that she’ll be fifteen next month, so he mentions he’ll be nineteen in three weeks. They find it funny their birthdays are so close to each other, but mostly he thinks he was right about how young she was. She’s still cool in a way he isn’t though, and her braveness doesn’t fit her age, he thinks. Rey will be a good adult, Ben acknowledges to himself; kind, smart, composed. He hopes they’ll still be friends then, if he manages to make friends with her now. 

By the time the festival starts shutting down, it’s a quarter to ten; Ben and Rey walk quietly to the exit. 

“How will you get home?” Ben asks her, taking in the sounds of empty streets. 

“Bus. I’ve got to hurry though.” 

He frowns, pressing his lips together; a fourteen-year-old girl shouldn’t be taking the bus home so late at night. Anything could happen to her. 

“Let me take you home. Please.” 

This time, she does roll her eyes. 

“Honestly Ben, it’s fine. I take the bus this late all the time,” Rey rolls her eyes, still shuffling alongside him. 

“Doesn’t mean you should. Please, Rey. I drove here, and I can show you my drawings with the car’s light,” she still doesn’t look convinced, so he presses further. “Text your friends I’m taking you home and send them your live location so they can track you. I’ve even got a taser in the car, so you can grab it and see it works before getting in. The second you feel uncomfortable feel free to use it.” 

She squints up at him.

“You realize you’re almost as much of a stranger as the bus driver, right?” Rey asks. “I don’t know if you’re a bad guy underneath this sweet exterior. I could get chopped up before sunrise if I choose to trust you and I shouldn’t have.” 

Ben flinches, because she’s right. He knows he sounds persistent, and it’s odd what with being four years older and a guy she barely knows. 

“I just… You’re right, I know that. Tell me how I can make sure you get home safe.”

Rey gives him an amused look. 

“You barely know me, Ben. Why are you so invested in my safety?” 

Helplessly, he shrugs. 

“You’re just a kid,” he says, holding up a hand before she can say something about that. “A strong and very brave one, but bad people see you and they don’t know that. They see a cute girl walking the streets at night by herself.” 

He’s not that observant, Ben Solo, so he doesn’t see her blush. She sees it on his face that he didn’t mean it that way, and Rey realizes Ben just wants a friend. She’s got a good eye for people, and she feels relaxed around Ben; she doesn’t want that trust betrayed, but she also wonders about this sense of security that lingers around them. 

So she makes a decision. 

“I’ll text my friends my live location then, and I’ll see about that taser. But it’s just this once, you know.”

They pinky swear, at her behest. 

When they get to the car, Rey makes a show of dropping her jaw when she sees his Falcon 1978. It’s a classic, and immediately she gives him a suspicious look. 

“What did you say your last name was?”

Oh boy. 

Reluctantly, he gives it, watching her jaw drop.

“Your mother’s Senator Leia Organa,” she breathes, then lets her eyes drop back down to the car. “Your father is the pilot Han Solo. Used to be the best car racer before he retired. Ben,” Rey blinks. “Your parents are my heroes.” 

He’s uncomfortable with this line of conversation, but Rey doesn’t realize even as they slip into the car and she marvels at the modern modifications the dashboard has, all while making sure she’ll be safe for the ride home. She’s just launching into the awards his father won when he stops her. 

“Rey,” he bites out, and it’s then she must notice how his hands have the steering wheel clasped in a death grip, his left eye twitching and struggling to contain his breathing. “Will you please stop talking about my parents?”

The silence that ensues grips him, but he forces himself to relax. It’s not her fault he gets angry whenever someone goes on about them, or forget he’s a different person. He wonders if he fucked up already, but instead when he turns to face her he sees her apologetic expression. 

“I get angry when people talk about my parents too, or lack thereof. Sorry I overstepped.” 

He lets go of the steering wheel, feeling the blood rush back to his hands. 

“No, I’m sorry. They’re just… not something I like thinking about. I’m glad they’re your heroes, though.” He feels like he has to tell her he knows already his reaction isn’t appropriate, so he tells her something he’s never told anyone —not even his own parents. “I go to therapy twice a week to work through my anger issues.” 

If Rey is surprised, she doesn’t show it. Instead, she quietly reaches into the backseat for the sketch book, turning on the lights to sort through it. 

She gasps from the moment she opens it. 

It’s filled with people. 

Old, young, happy, sad, distracted or angry. At the movies, in the park, even a couple at school of playful sophomores or fighting friends. A few animals, though he’s not great with those drawings so he avoids them. Against his better judgement, he lets her see the latest drawing: it’s of her, looking overwhelmed as she waits for the school bus to take her home. 

“Is this how you see me?” Rey whispers, tracing her fingers lightly across the pencil. 

Ben shrugs.

“Sometimes. You mostly look happy, though.” 

“I never thought anyone noticed,” she mumbles, hastily wiping a tear that managed to slip through her defenses. “It’s beautiful. They all are. Can… Can I have this one?” 

He thinks she’d like much more the one he’s planning on drawing, but he doesn’t tell her that. It seems like it’s not so much about the artistry of that one, but what he managed to capture. 

“Of course,” Ben says, then helps her rip the page off carefully. She looks at it like it’s precious, and it gives him a warm feeling. He’s glad he showed her, however nerve-wracking it was. “So, we’re good to go? Everyone knows you’re with me?” 

Rey nods, then turns off the lights. 

The drive to her foster house is a short one, and Ben grows increasingly unhappy that she lives in this neighborhood. He neither says it nor shows it though, knowing his concern would be unappreciated. 

“Why don’t you have friends at school, Ben?” Rey asks, when they’re parked in front of the house and both seem reluctant for their fun night to end. 

He’s embarrassed, but he doesn’t think he can lie to her. 

“I tried, for a while. But people seemed to think my being quiet was permission to push me around, and it got increasingly harder to get them to stop. Then I realized I wanted nothing to do with anyone who’d laughed at my expense, which left no one to befriend.” He’s given his parents different reasons —that his classmates are morons, that nobody understands him; he knows they think he’s a friendless asshole with a superiority complex, but that’s fine. He couldn’t stand it if they knew the truth. 

“Maybe you should give people in other grades a chance,” Rey says after a moment. “They might surprise you.” 

Her lips pull up at her own comment, and Ben can’t help smiling back. 

“You should head inside, Rey. It’s cold.” 

She giggles, unbuckling her seatbelt. 

“Yes, mum,” she says, opening the passenger door and stepping out. Before she closes it, she gives him an even broader smile. “Thank you for everything. I mean it. And see you on Monday.” 

Before he can even say anything back, Rey shuts the door; he watches her walk into the apartment building, and only then does he breathe a sigh of relief and drive away. 

Chapter Text

The next four months go by quickly. 

All of Ben’s classmates are excited about graduating high school, speaking of all the parties they’ll go to in college and the people they’ll meet. Ben already has his acceptance letter into Chandrila University; he’s planning to double major in painting and sequential illustration. Ambitious, but he’s nothing if not hungry for art. Chandrila U has the best program in the country; his parents nearly disowned him when he presented his acceptance letter, but eventually they started easing up on him. It was hard work, convincing them; his most solid argument involved reminding his mother if he got into politics (which he’d never do) he might just fuck up and draw a bad light on her. It’s easy to mess up in the public eye, and however negligent his parents might be, they’re aware of his anger issues. Neither of them want to tarnish the Organa-Skywalker legacy, so they agree to let him be; besides, they know he’s talented enough to get by on his own. 

Well, that and his sizable inheritance. 

Ben is looking forward to graduating (there’s no doubt in his mind about that), but he feels strangely reluctant that the time is approaching when he’s finally made a friend. 

Rey Niima is his friend. 

It started small, with Rey greeting him when she saw him in the hallway. Her smile was bright, and so were her friends’. Finn and Rose were holding hands now, which he thought was cute; they looked nice together, like they were both kind people who treated each other nicely. 

Then a week before his birthday, Rey poked her head into the art room during lunch time to talk to Mrs. Groff, and found Ben there instead. He was too concentrated and didn’t hear her come in, so he jumped when she asked what he was painting. He told her. She asked more questions. The next day she came back at the same time. 

On his birthday, she bought him a cupcake. She knew the exact date because he’d shown her his license back at the festival, but he hadn’t thought she’d remember. He didn’t show how happy he was (ecstatic), but the week after that he handed her a signed t-shirt from his father (it was his first—too small on him since he’d been fifteen, and way too big on her now) and a piece of chocolate. She tried telling him she couldn’t accept all that, but Ben shut that down quickly; the shirt had been his (“Sorry it’s not a new one, but I couldn’t find new shirts since his last race was so long ago”) and he’d made the cake himself, finding peace in cooking. 

He’d thought she’d be disappointed about not getting something new. 

Instead, her smile became even wider, and she tucked the shirt away carefully before they dug into the cake. It was the only sweet Ben liked, and from Rey’s face, she liked it too. 

When he asked her why she wasn’t spending lunch with her friends anymore, she shrugged. 

“You’re my friend too,” she said, then her mouth tightened minimally. “Right?”

He nodded immediately, and she relaxed. 

“Well, that’s why. And also, it’s kind of awkward to sit with Finn and Rose while they make out.” 

Ben laughed; those two were infamous around school for throwing privacy to the wind. 

“I can see why that’d be an issue,” Ben said, setting down his painting brush. Usually, Rey accompanied him as he kept on painting; people tended to distract him, but for some reason he almost never put his brushes down when she came to visit him. They talked while he painted; it made him feel calm. “You were asked out by that boy in your class, weren’t you? Arthur, right? Why not say yes?”

Rey glared at him. 

“I don’t like him, first of all. I’ve never liked anyone at all.” Rey paused a moment, pondering over her next words. “You know Poe, right?” 

Ben nodded.

“Well, he’s —and I can tell you this because he doesn’t mind others knowing, just doesn’t want to broadcast it— he’s asexual. He says he’s liked people —boys, girls— but never enough to pursue a relationship; says he’d thought it was love, but isn’t all that sure. Doesn’t care for sex. I don’t either, and I often wonder what the obsession is all about. We’re fifteen, you know? And sometimes I wonder if… Well, if maybe that’s me.”

Ben didn’t tell her she was too young to know, though it was true he’d never met anyone who defined themselves as asexual and found the concept harder to grasp than liking different genders. He had to admit to himself, quietly, his ignorance, and promised himself to do some research. But right then he thought there was a chance that, at fifteen, it was simply that nobody’d ever caught her interest; still, they were friends, and whatever that feeling was it was real for her. It was something that worried her, and he wasn’t going to tell her she was wrong to feel that way. 

“Maybe you are,” Ben shrugged. “Time will tell. You’ve got all the time in the world to learn what you like. Whoever you are, it’s ok. Even if your wiring is a little different, or if you’re just a late bloomer, there’s no rush. You’re the most confident person I know, Rey,” Ben turned to see her shoulders hunched over, looking pensively at him. As if something was beginning to bloom in her eyes. “You just have to own up your time, too.” 

That’s the most intimate conversation they’ve had up to now, Ben knows, and he wonders if she’s thought about that lately. He hopes she has and has an answer which assuages her; he hopes he provided comfort instead of turmoil. 

Spring is almost here, and he wonders about all the things that he’s going to do from now on. 

If he’ll be happier in college. 

If he’ll remain friends with Rey throughout it. 

If his therapist will finally give him the green light that he’s all better. 

If his parents will miss him while he’s away, and make an effort to be home when he comes back for the holidays. 

There’s a lot of questions rolling through his head, but none have answers.  

It’s a Tuesday on the first week of March when Ben walks out of his therapist’s office. She’s called Dr. Kalonia, and she handles his anger better than anyone he’s ever known. Making friends with Rey is a huge step, Dr. Kalonia comments, and she’s proud of him for that progress. But she’s still worried about his reaction that time in October when Rey talked about his parents, and asks whether they’ve talked about that again. 

Ben says they haven’t. 

Not that they haven’t opened up to each other, because that’s a given. Rey shared she wants to be an aerospace engineer (“I’ve never told anyone that.”) and that she doesn’t really like her current guardian, Plutt, but she’s faced worse (that part made him clench his fist, but he didn’t pry). She confessed she loves her friends but they overwhelm her sometimes, and that she loves fixing old cars; she told him she dreams about oceans before falling asleep. 

Ben, he’s told her less about himself —but that’s because he doesn’t find himself all that interesting. He wants to be a painter; he’s an only child with anger problems. He doesn’t like sweets except for chocolate. 

Maybe she knows more, but not from his own mouth. 

Perhaps her eyes tell her more than he does.

When he tells Dr. Kalonia this, she encourages him to open up with his friend about his family. That’s what friends are for, she says; confiding. But if he feels like he’s still too angry to talk about it, maybe he needs another outlet for it, and has he thought about taking up exercise? 

It’s a fair point. 

So as Ben is pondering all those things and making his way to his car parked on the curbside, he finds himself looking at a frowning Rey with something in her hands and looking at buildings on either side of the road. She catches sight of him and the frown dissolves; she rushes up to him, beaming, hair buns bouncing as she does. 

“Ben! Fancy meeting you here. What brings you here on a school day?” Rey asks this even as she looks behind him, almost as if she expects someone else to pop up from behind him. 

“Brat,” Ben says fondly, then jerks his thumb backwards to the building he just vacated. “Had my therapy session. What about you? You’re far from home.” 

She wrinkles her nose at him, looking like a rabbit. Through growing closer, Ben has realized she’s just a cute person; brave, intelligent, funny, lively, but so very cute in her way of being. It’s a foreign feeling for him, thinking this about another person. He doesn’t dislike it. 

“I looked up this second-hand bookstore that’s supposed to have one of the older editions of Jaded, you know which— ok well, it’s a great book, so I’m looking for the store but I can’t find it. Have you heard about it?” Rey pushes at him a piece of paper with something scrawled on it. 

Yeah, he knows the one. 

“You’re almost entirely in the wrong side of town,” Ben sighs, giving it back to her and running a hand through his hair. “Come on, I’ll take you. I’m not great at giving directions.” 

He hasn’t taken her back home again, but once she asked for a ride to the ice cream parlor and another time she wanted to know if he’d let her hitch a ride to Poe’s, because she only had enough money for the bus ride back home. To him, it was a show of trust. It made him glad to be trusted. 

Now, Rey doesn’t fight him when she bounces into the passenger seat of his car, thanking him for opening her door for her. He’d done this the last two times as well, and the first time she’d chewed him out for the gesture; he’d frowned and told her it was just something nice boys did for girls, and that if it bothered her so much he’d never do it again. She’d blushed, mumbled out a thank you, and hadn’t fought him again. 

As they drive, Rey fiddles with his Spotify (he’s already told her the passcode for his phone a few weeks back) and changes his default playlist to her favorite artist: Taylor Swift. Ben would’ve expected her to be too cool for the pop singer, but Rey is unapologetically herself; she likes pop and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Ben doesn’t complain, because even though it’s not his cup of tea, he doesn’t mind. It makes Rey happy, and in turn that soothes his masculine sensibilities. 

“So, how are you feeling about college?” Rey asks, setting his phone down. “It’s almost graduation.”

Ben hums, thinking of an honest answer. 

“Excited,” he settles on. “But nervous, too, since I’ll be living in the dorms. I want to get along with my roommate.” 

“That’s good,” Rey nods to herself. “Chandrila U’s about an hour away by car, right?” 

Ben tells her that yes, that’s true. 

“Well, I’m looking for a part-time job. Maybe I can set aside some of my earnings to go visit you,” Rey smiles. He knows she’s looking to save for college, and had only been waiting to turn fifteen to start job-hunting. She does odd jobs —walks dogs on the weekends, hands out fliers on Mondays. So now she’s looking for something steadier. 

Ben smiles at the prospect of being important enough to come visit, but shrugs her off as he pulls to park on the curbside of the bookstore. 

“You don’t have to use your money for that. Whenever you want to see me, I’ll come to you,” Ben promises, and he hopes she’ll take him up on that. 

“You know,” Rey says, unbuckling her seatbelt and turning to face him. He does the same. “My friends don’t understand why I like you. I mean, generally the seniors don’t have a good reputation at school, but in your case I think it’s just that they don’t know you. You kind of scowl and exude existential crisis all the time, did you know that?” He does. He hopes she’s going somewhere with this. “But I think if you showed people this side of you, you’d have lots of friends. You’re a great guy, Ben.” 

He blushes. 

He’s unused to praise, and this one sounds clumsy and vaguely insulting and genuine. He tucks it away in a corner of his heart. 

“I can try to be less… unfriendly,” Ben decides, and gives her a small smile. “But I don’t think I could show my best to people who haven’t seen my worst. You have. That’s why you know.” 

She knows. 

Rey mirrors his small smile, and Ben hopes she’s aware of the place she has in his heart. Ben’s first friend; the closest one. He could make a hundred friends in Chandrila and he doesn’t think anyone would understand him like Rey. 

Ben hurries out of the car and opens Rey’s door for her, and she thanks him as she steps out; he locks the car, and then he takes her to the right shop. He knows she thinks he’ll leave as soon as she sees the store, but he’s got other plans. So he opens the door to the bookshop and lets her go in first, then enters himself. 

A little bell rings. 

“Welcome to —Ben?” Luke Skywalker is there, shaggy beard and Hawaiian shirt looking ugly as always. His uncle is a hippy in the worst way possible, and when Rey gives them a curious look (no doubt wondering how the scruffy and short blue-eyed blond knows the lanky and big-eared senior) Ben sighs. 

“Hey Luke,” Ben turns to Rey and introduces her to the owner of Skywalker’s Antiques and Bookstore. “Rey, this is my uncle and owner of the shop, Luke Skywalker. Luke, this is Rey Niima, she’s my friend.” 

Luke’s eyebrows shoot up disbelievingly, looking from the short girl to his nephew. No doubt remembering all of his sister’s complaints about her friendless son. 

“You robbing the cradle, kiddo?” 

Ben scowls furiously, and misses Rey’s blush. 

“You—” he remembers the girl at his side, and forces himself to calm down. Takes a deep breath. “Of course I’m not. She’s a friend.” 

Luke’s eyebrows don’t come down, and he looks at the girl. Young, very pretty, supremely skinny. 

“Rey, is it?” Luke asks, and she nods. “How old are you?”

She clears her throat. 

“Fifteen, sir.” Feeling like she has to back Ben up, she elaborates. “Really am Ben’s friend. He’s nice.” 

Luke’s eyes, if possible, widen even further. 

“What’d you do to this girl, boy?” He manages to bark out a laugh. He’s never heard anyone describe his nephew as nice, not even his own sister. 

Rey frowns, but doesn’t comment. She doesn’t want to make trouble between the two, but she’s not sure she likes how this Luke person treats his own nephew. 

“Luke,” Ben grits out, also swallowing down the desire to punch his uncle. It happened once, and he’s sure a repeat of it would be problematic. “You’re still looking for a part-time worker, right?” 

Luke sweeps his eyes between his nephew and the young girl, contemplating the question; eventually, he nods. 

“Sure am.”

Ben looks down at Rey. 

“Want to apply here? He looks like a cheapskate, but he pays his part-timers well. And it’s close to your house,” Ben says, then shoots his uncle a look. “She doesn’t need her guardian’s permission, right?”

Luke understand what Ben is silently saying. What’s implied. 

“Nah. If Benny here can vouch for you, then you’re hired Rey. It’s simple work, from four to ten; helping me organize, catalogue, ring up customers, the like. We can discuss wages. What do you say?” 

Rey blinks, looking up at Ben warily. He gives her a small nod, and she turns back to Luke with a huge smile on her face. 

“Please,” she breathes. 

Half an hour later, Rey walks out with her book and a job. Before they’re a full two steps out of sight from the bookstore Rey turns and gives Ben the tightest hug he’s ever received. He feels like maybe she’s grown an inch in the time since he met her; maybe she’s still got some growing to do, like him. Her head reaches a little higher now, but nowhere near his collarbone. Still a bit startled, but all too warm, Ben returns her hug, careful of not jostling her hair. 

“Thank you so much, Ben,” Rey whispers, her cheek resting on his chest. She feels so small against him, and there’s a strange desire to protect her. Like she deserves all the good things in the world. 

He squeezes her. 

“Of course.” 

Then he takes her home. 

After that, their dynamic changes. 

He starts telling her first about his relationship with Luke, his mother’s twin brother. She asks why they don’t have the same last name, and he explains; at birth, they were given up for adoption. Once they grew up and found out who their family was (apparently, Grandma Padmé died in childbirth and Grandpa Anakin went crazy) Luke chose to change his last name, but Leia kept the name from their adopted parents. He doesn’t get along with Luke, he explains, because he’s a sanctimonious asshole. 

When he was twelve, Ben says, Luke nearly pushed him into traffic. Ben had made one of those mean and worrying comments teenage boys sometimes make, but to Luke that had been unforgivable; he’d stopped himself from harming his nephew, but Ben remembered. He told his mother, and she would’ve shrugged it off if not for the ass-chewing his father gave her and Luke. The twins had grown up with a very strict moral compass, Ben explains, so his mother believed vehemently in punishment; she’d thought it was just a scare tactic. 

But he’s never forgotten, Ben admits quietly, even if his parents have. 

There’s a lot more to his family issues, he knows, but he’s not ready to share everything yet. Rey, for her part, starts telling him small parts about herself. Her parents disappeared and left her at some town called Niima, which was where her last name came from. Plutt was an asshole, and he often made her work without pay at his junkyard; if he knew she was making more money, he’d take it away. Ben offers to keep her money in his house, given that he has a safety box in his room; Rey accepts, having been stolen from much too often, and forks over what she wants to save up that month. It’s the biggest show of trust she’s ever given someone; she doesn’t fret anymore if Plutt or one of his cronies will break into her room and steal her hard-earned money. 

The months pass by in a blur. 

Ben splits his afternoons between therapy, the gym and visiting Rey at the bookstore (but only when Luke’s out). She even manages to coax him out of the art room one lunch, and he spends it out in the grass with Rey’s friends. He doesn’t talk much, but when the hour ends Rey quietly praises him for not exuding existential crisis. That makes him glad. 

On prom night, Rey invites Ben to the auto cinema (reminding him he must provide the car). They watch Casablanca, but they’re both so bored with the old movie they wind up debating who is the best wizard of all time. They have a good time together, and when Ben drops her off at home she tells him he’s her best friend. That makes him give her his widest smile yet, which makes her blink, and he tells her she’s his too. She’s his only friend at school, but she’s also the only one he wants; Pryde mysteriously stops being a dick, too, but Ben’s not surprised. He must be thinking about college. 

Graduation day quietly arrives. 

Ben is valedictorian, to Rey’s surprise. She sees him spend so much time painting she thought he got into Chandrila based on merit alone. Ben told her his parents wouldn’t make it to graduation, so she makes sure to be front and center in the crowd along with her friends, and they cheer extra loud when Ben’s name comes up. He sees her in the crowd, and Rey can tell how much this means to him. 

Ben’s speech is short and nice. Not funny, because he’s not a jokester. Her favorite part is the ending:

“Some of us are off to make our dreams come true, and others to find out what we want and who we are. We leave this school with excitement, fear, and the knowledge that those who come after us will be better. From the freshmen to the juniors: I don’t have to ask you to be better than us because you already are. Be kinder, more creative, more dedicated, and dream higher than us. Whatever we didn’t accomplish, do it. That’s the burden and privilege of the newer generations. As for this class… The only thing left to do is celebrate. Thank you.” 

The applause is fierce. 

Solo is a powerful name, as is Ben's farewell speech. His classmates didn’t know he could sound so confident, but that’s because he never cared for his inherited public-speaking skills; he never cared for talking to his peers, either. He’s never nervous in front of a crowd; it’s impersonal, and no one can stop him. As he steps off the podium, he finds Rey and her friends cheering for him the loudest, and she has her phone held high as if she’s taping this. Boldly, he winks at her; when he sees her bewildered expression, he laughs. 

Rey tries convincing him of going to the party the seniors are throwing, but she doesn’t try very hard when she sees his complete reluctance. Instead, doing his best to put his best step forward, Ben offers to invite Rey and her friends over to his house so they can have a pizza party and play video games. Apparently, he’s got the latest console with the latest games. 

It’s how he finds himself receiving Rey, Finn, Rose, Poe and Paige at home, the most amount of people he’s ever invited over. They all gape as they come inside; they’d all expected Senator Organa would have a fancy house, but not this mansion. It has three floors and a basement; the driveway in is obscured by trees, which only happens in the houses of rich people. They’d known Solo was loaded; not this loaded. 

Especially what with the clothes he wears, and his old car. 

(Nobody except Rey knew the value of that car, and she didn’t like thinking about it.)

Despite the dropped jaws soliciting an explanation, Ben does no such thing. He’s told Rey about it, how Leia and Luke inherited two fortunes besides Han’s success as a racer. 

That night is possibly the best one of Ben’s life. Nobody makes any mean jokes, everyone takes turn playing video games and the pizza disappears quickly. He laughs more than he usually does in a year, hearing Poe dramatize the start of Finn and Rose’s relationship; apparently, it had taken Rose thinking Finn liked Page (and the former doing nothing to dispel her of the notion) for her to get her head out of her ass and ask Finn out. Ben also laughs when Paige tells everyone of how they caught Pryde fucking a teacher at the school’s pool, and how he’s in danger of not receiving his graduation certificate. Apparently, whoever caught them also snapped a picture; Paige says she accidentally saw it, and all she could see now for the rest of her life was Pryde’s ass with speedo tan lines. 

Everyone congratulates Ben for getting into art school, but nobody’s surprised; they’ve seen his work hanging up in Mrs. Groff’s class, and they all agree he’ll make a name of himself in the future. It makes him blush, which sends all of them reeling with teases and trying to pinch his cheeks. Paige does manage it, and when he shakes her off without any vitriol he sees Rey’s carefully watching the interaction. Nobody manages to touch him again, which is how he prefers his interactions. 

By eleven, everyone is ready to head home. Poe is the captain of the basketball team, so he’s got practice early; Rose and Paige have strict parents, and Finn is taking them home. Rey stays behind with Ben, knowing he’s going to give her a ride because of the hour and his protectiveness. 

“Are your parents away on business?” Rey asks, looking around at the empty house. Today Threepio had the day off, so he made Ben a congratulatory breakfast before leaving. The house is empty. 

He shakes his head. 

“They always arrive late.” He wants to say more, but he doesn’t know how to. Rey must see his desire to expand because she asks at what time they usually get here. “Around midnight, I guess. I’m almost always asleep by the time they get here.”

Her eyes look worried, and he knows why. It’s a big house for one person; it makes the loneliness feel bigger. 

“And since when has this been their schedule?” Rey asks softly, as if she too is afraid of getting hurt. They’re still sitting on the couch in front of the TV, mostly swamped in darkness. 

He looks sideways. 

“Since I can remember,” Ben admits. He doesn’t say it’s fine; it isn’t, obviously. He barely sees his parents, and whenever he does all they do is fight. He doesn’t want to be conflictive, but he’s also too aware of the fact that they don’t know him. It disappoints and hurts him every time. 

“You must’ve been very lonely,” Rey presses her lips together. Sighing, he nods. 

“I was,” he confirms, and when he chances a glance upwards he sees her eyes shine a little brighter. 

“Not anymore?” Her voice is hopeful. 

He thinks of the last few months. How he has people in his life. Pryde hasn’t bothered him all year. He’s going to his dream college. He has a best friend.  

So, carefully, he shakes his head. 

Her answering smile is wobbly but wide. She’s glad. 

They’re so immersed in their own world that they don’t hear the front door open, but they’re made aware of the new presence when a light comes on in the living room, making them hiss and try to shield their eyes from the brightness. 

“Ben?” 

It’s his mother, and when he cranes his head back, she’s there dressed in her suit jacket and a skirt. She looks tired, surprised not only to find him out of his room but with company. 

“Mom,” Ben says in greeting, slowly getting up. Rey mirrors him. “This is Rey Niima. My friend.” 

The older woman’s eyes flicker between the two teenagers, trying to determine if there’s a hidden truth to all of this. Wanting to know if there will be a damage repair. 

“Oh, hello dear. I’m Leia Organa,” Leia says pleasantly, as always politically pleasant. “I didn’t know you were bringing over female company, son.” 

The threat is implied, and when he watches Rey recoil, Ben scowls menacingly at his mother. 

“She’s fifteen, mom. She’s my friend; besides, everyone else just left,” he says, and motions to the empty pizza boxes and glasses as proof. Leia’s eyebrows go up in surprise. 

“It’s —it’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Organa,” Rey manages out, feeling humiliation crawling up her insides as the fashionable woman assesses her hand-me-downs and shoes. “I’m sorry for any inconvenience.” 

But Leia waves her away, the concern previously tightening her face now softening. 

“Not at all. And it’s Leia, dear. Please. What’s the occasion?” Leia asks, looking around the room. Rey flinches, and when Leia makes eye contact with her son again she sees how quickly he hides a wounded look behind his anger. 

“My high school graduation, Senator,” Ben spits out, not feeling the least bit victorious when her eyes widen in horror. 

“That was today? My secretary marked it for next Friday!” Leia looks nauseous, eyebrows scrunched together. Ben thinks she’s just worried about how it’ll look that the senator missed her son’s graduation ceremony. “Please tell me at least your dad made it.” 

Ben raises an eyebrow. 

“You think dad is going to remember something like that?” Ben is so tired, so fucking done with this family who sees him as nothing more than an afterthought. He’s spent a lifetime wishing someone cared, and now someone does, and he’s probably scaring her with the dramatics. “No, mom. No one from the family came.” 

He doesn’t tell her how hard Rey and her friends cheered for him, making up for that particular wound. Doesn’t tell her again how badly those slights hurt him, because he’s exhausted of sounding like a broken record. 

“Ben, I— I’m sorry,” Leia tries, but Ben’s had just about enough. So he shakes his head and rolls his eyes, picking up his car keys from the table. 

“Whatever. I didn’t expect you’d be there, anyway. I need to drop Rey off at her place, so… see you when I see you, I guess.” 

With that, Ben stomps out of the house, Rey squeaking out a goodbye as she runs after her ride. 

When they’re outside, Ben is wearing such a furious scowl he doesn’t know where Rey gets the courage to grab his elbow. She gives him a blank look and extends her hand, palm up. 

“Let me drive us somewhere?” 

Ben’s been letting Rey learn driving in his car, giving her a few lessons every other weekend. She’s learned the basics from watching disassembled parts in the junkyard, and unsurprisingly she’s quite good at it. He knows what she’s saying: he shouldn’t drive like this. 

Without complaint he hands her his keys, opening the door to the driver’s side and letting her in before stomping over to the other side, fighting not to slam the door. 

Rey chooses to listen to Elvis, knowing it calms Ben, as she pulls out of the driveway. Ben pulls down his window, needing the wind in his face to drown out his thoughts. Rey says nothing as she drives them carefully to the nearest deserted park. 

When they get there, she shuts off the ignition but doesn’t get out. Neither does Ben. 

Finally, she speaks. 

“Want to scream?”

He does, so they do. She screams right along with him, and they’re thankful there’re no houses at least within a mile. Birds fly off, frightened by the sound. Ben gets colorful with his scream, yelling ‘Shit, shit, shit!’ in between lungfuls of air. Eventually, Rey stops screaming and lets him yell by himself. It feels good; he rarely ever lets himself shout like this, but he likes it. 

Then he runs out of anger (the hurt still simmers underneath). 

He’s breathing hard, and slowly he gets it back under control. Rey just waits for him to come back down to earth, and when he does, she’s patiently looking out the window. Giving him a small measure of privacy. 

Ben doesn’t apologize, because he doesn’t feel the need to. She knows this isn’t about her. 

She says nothing, waiting for him to get the first word out. 

“That’s your hero,” Ben eventually says, visibly struggling to keep the spite out of his voice. He hunches in on himself, and for someone so big, he looks remarkably small to Rey. “If they didn’t want to have children, they shouldn’t have had me.” 

It’s a thought that plagues him every day. 

Rey thinks, for a moment, maybe Ben’s had it rougher than her when it comes to feeling alone. At least she can still make up stories about her parents giving her up for a grand reason, or dying, or wanting a better life for her. Sometimes she convinces herself she was wanted, just inopportune. She’s been an optimist all her life. Ben clearly hasn’t been. 

“I’m glad they had you,” Rey says, even though she doesn’t know how much that’s worth to someone who’s hurting like this. Ben lifts his head, his dark eyes warming some. That’s when he knows he has to tell her that one thing that’s so private he hardly ever thinks about it himself, as if it’s someone else’s memory instead of his own. Dr. Kalonia wants him to talk about this, and she thought him starting by talking of his family would get him there. 

She was right. 

“They’ve always been that absent,” Ben finally says, eyes swinging back to the front to watch the road. “It used to… hurt very badly. Still does sometimes, but never like back when I was sixteen. In middle school, I used to get into fights to see if they’d come pick me up. They always sent Threepio for me with the message that I was grounded, even when I got expelled. So I stopped fighting, because that got me nowhere. Freshman year, I started getting home late every night; they didn’t notice that, either. Nobody ever comes to check up on me after I’ve fallen asleep.”

Rey’s heart squeezes in her throat, because she thinks she knows where this is going. 

She reminds herself he’s safe, and here, and talking. 

“So, I started cutting myself. Big and shallow ones, to test how observant they were. Not at all,” Ben laughs self-deprecatingly, and he knows he won’t be able to look at Rey as he finishes this story. “One night… I cut a little too deep. I started bleeding everywhere, but luck was on my side because I nicked a vein and not an artery. So I put my arm up and managed to put enough pressure on it to coagulate, and then I grabbed the heat gun and cauterized it.” 

He lets his arms unfold, and since he’s wearing short sleeves, Rey finally sees it. She never does because he always wears sweaters or long sleeves, but it’s there: thin scars all over his forearms, and one divot in the skin which is where the heat must’ve gone.

Rey won’t cry because Ben isn’t, but she feels her heart is squeezing so tightly it might just shrink. She feels his pain; it’s terrible. 

“I didn’t try to kill myself,” Ben says hollowly, flipping his forearms so the inner part is hidden from view. “Though every time I cut myself I’d wonder if they cared. That time, I realized what a fucking moron I was because I wasn’t ready to die. That’s when I started going to the therapist. For the anger, and the depression.”

Rey swallows hard, clearing her throat to make sure her voice will come out. 

“Do they know?” 

Ben looks out the window. 

“No. I’m… scared,” he finally admits. “That they’ll know and not care, because then they’ll really die to me. Or that it’ll hurt them and the precarious dynamic we have will be crushed.”

Rey touches his forearm softly, and he looks down as he watches her small hand wrap around it and her thumb softly brush the heat-gun’s wound. Eyes wet, he looks at the younger girl, surprised to find so much sadness in her eyes. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” Rey says, and though her lips tremble, she still doesn’t cry. He wonders if she’ll cry when she gets home (she will). Slowly, she lets him go and rests back against the driver’s seat. “You can tell me what’s important to you, Ben. And if you need me there, I will be.”

That’s how her place in Ben’s heart is cemented. 

He finally does drive her back, as always resentful to know Plutt doesn’t care what time she gets home. She promises they’ll see each other on Monday at the bookstore, and Ben gives her a tentative smile. He feels better, lighter; it’s not a secret, what happened, but it’s the hardest thing he’s ever had to talk about. 

When he drives back, he sees the lights from the ground floor are turned on, an oddity. His father’s car is in the driveway, so he must also be home. Whatever. 

When he walks in, toeing off his boots as he does, he finds his mother and father sitting together in the dining room; Han is at the head and Leia to his right, their hands intertwined. 

He makes to walk straight to his bedroom, but his mother calls his name softly, giving his feet pause. 

“Please come here,” Leia says, and it lacks the usual demanding tone in it. Unwilling to fight, but curious, Ben makes his way over after a pause. 

This time, it’s Han who talks. 

“Your mother and I would like to apologize for missing today’s ceremony, son,” Han says, clearing his throat as he does. He takes turns between quickly meeting Ben’s eyes and glancing down. “It was terrible of us. You must’ve been hurt.” 

Normally, Ben gives them a noncommittal grunt; other times, he starts a fight with his father. It’s not unusual for them to apologize after their fuck-ups, many as there have been throughout the years (most frequently for forgetting his birthday). Tonight, he feels emboldened by the knowledge that someone out there has his back. 

“I wasn’t hurt,” Ben bites out, willing himself to calm down when he sees his father’s eyes narrow in warning. Ben licks his lips and pulls his lips down before meeting his eyes again; Leia’s turned halfway to look at him. This is their usual ‘So sorry kid’ position. He takes a deep breath in and out before saying thickly, “I was gutted. Like I always am when you forget me.”

He sees how the air leaves his parents’ lungs, and Leia releases Han’s hands to stand up quickly, the debater in her not allowing herself to be dominated. 

“That’s not it, you know that Ben. We’re both so busy, I just mixed up the dates—”

He feels anger rise in his chest, but he bites it back. If he gets emotional, he loses. That’s how it is with his parents. 

“One of my classmates’ parents lives in China; they flew back for graduation. Four of them have physician parents, and all four of them cancelled consults and surgeries to be there. Someone else’s dad has one of the Fortune 500 enterprises and he made it. So, what were you doing? What were you doing that was harder to overcome than an ocean, or more important than saving a life, or more pressing than keeping an expensive business afloat? Tell me, this time, what was more important than me?”  

Leia and Han are wide-eyed, having never seen their son be so straightforward. Angry, childish, careless —all of that, yes. But not like this. 

They don’t know what to do. 

They go with the truth. 

“I was… going over the last details from a bill,” Leia murmurs. 

“I ran checks on the chopper’s motors,” Han supplies, though with none of his usual bite. 

Ben swallows down a shout. 

“So a bill that’s still not done and won’t be introduced for weeks, and a fucking helicopter were more important than me.” Ben shakes his head bitterly, his shoulders dropping. He lets them see the hurt in his eyes, and both parents try not to flinch. “You… Do you even fucking regret it? Because you do it every single time. Make up this show of apologizing when you’ll do it again on my birthday, or on Christmas, or whenever. I’d rather we not do this if you’re not gonna change.” 

Leia takes a step forward, but Ben takes one back. 

“Ben,” she whispers, eyes wide and trained on him. Like she’s scared of what’s coming next. “You know we love you, right?” 

Ben frowns. 

“You say that as if you’ve ever shown it. I’ve been friends with Rey eight months already and neither of you knew the difference. So no, Senator, I don’t know if either of you even want me. I just…” Frustrated, Ben wipes a tear away fiercely. “Whatever. It’s not like I even know why I’m telling you this. You don’t care.” 

Ben leaves his stone-cold parents, wondering when he will see them together again. 

Probably never. 

He locks his door and changes out of his street-clothes, changing into his ruined shirt and sweatpants for painting. 

He only has a few more details to go, he thinks, before he can give it to Rey. 

He hopes she’ll like it. 

Chapter Text

The summer is gone in the blink of an eye. 

Ben spends it packing up his room, painting and going to the gym. His shirts are starting to get tight, and he finally finished growing those two inches. He’s thankful, because that means his joints don’t hurt all the time anymore. 

He also spends the summer with Rey. 

She grows two inches in those months, and she tells him her jeans are not only shorter but tighter. Ben doesn’t look to confirm (he trusts her assessment) but he does advise her to buy new clothes. For once, instead of going to Goodwill she drags him with her to some fast-fashion store and hashes out a whole fifty bucks on two new outfits. As a gift, Ben gets her a big Frodo hoodie; their high school gets cold, and she has no winter clothes. He sees it in her eyes how badly she wants to say no, but he won’t have it; he calls it a belated Christmas gift, and just grins when she buys them ice-cream as her treat. 

He tells Rey that he’s not planning on coming back to his house for a while, so he should open up another bank account where he deposits her money, since she’s not yet allowed  one and especially not without her guardian’s knowledge. Rey doesn’t comment on the part of him not coming back, but she looks sad; she knows he’s been going twice a week to the therapist in order to keep his depression in check. She tells him the bank account is a great idea, but also that he should keep the plastic so Plutt can’t get to it either. Rey trusts him still with her money; at first, she’d ask to count it every two weeks, so he’d bring it over and she would. Now she’s confirmed what she knew: Ben doesn’t betray her trust. 

Rey goes with him to settle into the new dorm room, suspecting that the things he left behind he doesn’t care to recover. She admires the building, points out interesting people for him to draw, and even meets his new roommate, a redhead called Armitage Hux with Rey’s same accent. Hux gives her a lazy once over and, unimpressed with what he sees, leaves the dorm after exchanging cordial greetings. Once Ben’s side of things is all fixed, the two of them grab dinner before heading back to drop Rey off. She figures Ben must be tired from driving, but he looks happy. When they reach her apartment building and he’s opened and shut the door for her, she sees him reach into the backseat. Curious, she waits. 

When he emerges, he’s holding something like a rectangle, about the size of a laptop. With a small grin, he tells her it’s for her and flips it over. 

She gasps in delight. 

It’s her, that night of the festival. She’s looking at the viewer, smiling broadly while surrounded by mythical creatures, a row of tents to one side and a movie playing in the background. She has chocolate around her mouth, a half-eaten apple in her hand, and the jeans she had to throw away a few weeks back when the buttons wouldn’t close anymore. She looks brighter than anyone else. 

This is how Ben Solo sees her. 

He only has enough time to brace himself before Rey launches herself into his arms, muttering countless times ‘thank you’ and making his heart settle back, comforted by the knowledge that she likes it. He pats her back. She hugs him tighter. 

“It’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten,” Rey mumbles against his chest. He smiles, even if she can’t see it. 

“I’m glad.” 

He worked hard on it, truth be told. He put it off for quite a few months, not quite knowing what tools he wanted to use and if she’d even want such a gift from him. Started it over at least four times, dissatisfied with the results. Back then, Ben had immediately drawn out the scene of the festival after dropping her off at home, as he’d known he would. He’s satisfied with the end result, and with how tightly Rey squeezes him, he’s sure she is too. 

Eventually, the two pry apart from each other. 

“Good luck with college,” Rey grins widely. He pinches her nose because it’s small and cute, like her. 

“Thanks. Good luck as a sophomore,” Ben returns. “And don’t forget to call.” 

She doesn’t. 

Ben’s first semester of college is the most stressed he’s ever been, but also the happiest. He winds up becoming friends with his roommate Hux, and also with his girlfriend Gwen Phasma. The two of them seem stoic, but they’re equally sarcastic and nice. They invite him to art meetings all the time, games like Drink and Draw (the drink supplied by the juniors and seniors), and he finds himself thinking that he much prefers college to high school. He spends a lot of time at the gym to burn off the wine and the beer, and also to do something other than paint. He goes back to the weekly meetings with his therapist, and both are happy with his progress; it’s been a couple of years since he stopped taking anti-depressants, a choice which had been nerve-wracking but ultimately the right one for him. They talk about it every once in a while, especially when he feels like the anger’s about to consume him, but Ben’s conclusion every time is that he feels well. Exercise has done a lot for him, mood-wise, and he grumbles to himself about not having listened earlier on its benefits for mental health. 

Rey calls him twice a week, mostly while she’s at work, and in turn he calls her once a week while he’s having dinner. Their conversation never runs out. They confide more in each other. Rey even tells him about the fear she carries in her heart of being an unwanted child, the way she can never stop looking for her parents in adults, the way she always has this feeling as though people around her might one day abandon her. She tells him she’s tired of being so well-known at school, and that some days she goes to the empty art room just to escape everyone. He’s glad even in his absence, she finds comfort in his spaces. He always asks about how Plutt’s behaving, and it’s disheartening when her usual reply is ‘Same as always’. 

They try to see each other all semester, but they never manage it. He’s too exhausted from adapting the first couple of months, and Rey tells him he has to spend the most time he can with his new friends to solidify their friendship. So she neither comes to him nor he to her. For their birthday, Rey catches a bad case of the flu, and it lasts through both their birthdays; he can’t visit because he’s got midterms, but he frets and calls her twice a day. She makes a slow recovery, and again Ben curses Plutt for not giving his friend enough money for better food. Thanksgiving Rey spends with Finn’s family, and when Hux invites him to spend it with him, Ben accepts. Hux’s family seems to like him so much they also invite him over for Christmas, and Ben is too glad to say no; Rey spends the holiday with Rose, this time, and tells him in confidence she liked Finn’s mother much better than Rose’s. 

For New Years, he spends it drunkenly fucking Jannah, a pretty sophomore with wild curls that Gwen introduced to him at the party and who, quite drunken herself, asks Ben over to her place. He confesses he’s a virgin, but she’s kind and doesn’t care. Tells him she’ll guide him through it. 

She does, and she’s good at it. Shows him what’s too much tongue, what feels too rough, where to place his hands, how to quickly check the condom’s good to go. Ben is too drunk and knows her too little to be nervous; her hands feel good, and he is a twenty-year-old virgin, so he comes in five minutes flat. Jannah just laughs and tells him not to worry, that he did great; besides, he did make her come four times beforehand (a mix of his perseverance and skilled hands), so it’s not like she can complain. 

He asks her on a date. 

They go out for a casual lunch, have sex a second time to see how they feel about it. 

Find they’re not really that compatible. 

Still, they remain amicable. Jannah is Gwen’s best friend after all, so they keep seeing each other; there’s no awkwardness, and Ben thinks that it’s because she’s a nice person and neither was invested in having a relationship. He wishes his first time would have been with someone who loved him, but then again, beggars can’t be choosers. He’s not sure anyone’s ever loved him. 

Then one day, a week into February, Rey calls him crying. 

She tells him some sleazy lawyer found her at Plutt’s and handed her an envelope filled with documents she didn’t understand, and unceremoniously announced she was the lost granddaughter and sole heir of Sheev Palpatine, oil magnate. Apparently, Rey hiccups as Ben slides into his car and guns the engine, her parents had eloped since her father didn’t want to take over the business. They changed their names so they wouldn’t be found, and went so off the grid they didn’t hear the news that Palpatine had died two months after their elopement from a heart attack. Rey’s parents were tipped off that her crazy grandfather had sent someone after them (it wasn’t true, since he was dead; someone had faked it), Rey bawled as Ben tried not to flip off the slow driver on the fast lane, so they left her with a friend at the fire station while they went to confront ‘Palpatine’. But they died on the road, hit by a drunk driver, and their friend at the fire station handed Rey off to the authorities. 

So now she’s being told she’s heir to a fortune since her grandfather didn’t change his will in time before he died, and that once she proves her blood-relation the lawyer can help her begin the process of emancipation. 

“Get your things,” Ben tells her, honking at the imbecile that aggressively switched lanes without even turning on their signal, “I’m coming for you. Take anything that’s yours. You’re not going back there, Rey.” 

After hanging up on her, he calls Hux. Asks him if he could spend the night with Phasma. When the redhead asks why, Ben tells him the truth: Rey needs a place to sleep tonight, and he needs to take care of her. Hux jokes that she’s jailbait and Ben better remember that; Ben growls at him to shut it (not wanting to be so aggressive his favor is not granted) and that it’s not like that between them. Hux makes a disbelieving grunt but agrees, and even asks if he should leave them some take-out ready for consumption. Ben’s touched by his friend’s thoughtfulness, but says they’ll probably pick up dinner on the way. 

Even though it’s rush hour on a Friday, Ben manages to make it to Plutt’s in forty-five minutes. He sees Rey sitting on the curb of the sidewalk, flanked by two bags and wearing an anxious, puffy face. 

Ben pulls over, knowing from Rey’s stories that they have fifteen minutes before Plutt is due back home. 

He turns off the car, steps out and walks to the other side. Rey stands up, looking dazed. 

“Ben?” 

He knows he looks different. All those hours at the gym finally filled out his lanky side, so now he’s bulked up and towers over everyone. Almost no one believes him when he says he’s a painter anymore. Finding the right shirts and pants is harder than ever. 

However, he quickly realizes he’s not the only one who did some changing during their time apart. Rey shot up a whole two inches more, so she’s now about five foot five, give or take. Still not a match for his six foot five height, but he’s glad to see she’s not meant to stay an urchin. As if this wasn’t enough of a surprise, she suddenly has hips, and her cheekbones are a little sharper. The chest department, at least, is almost unchanged. 

The two are equally surprised to see the other, and the only thing they can do is grab the other in a tight hug. 

“You look huge,” Rey’s exclamation is muffled against his chest, and Ben chuckles a little. 

“You look like a woman,” he says, giving her a tight squeeze before releasing her. God, he’d missed her. Nobody smiles like her, as if a grin could cast away the clouds. 

Nobody cries like her either, he realizes when she pulls back and the tears start falling from her eyes. 

Sighing, heart tight in his chest, Ben lets her cry five more minutes before pulling back and telling her they’ve got to hit the road so Plutt doesn’t find her. She gives a small nod, and together they drop her bags in the trunk (her life in two half-full bags, Ben thinks with a pang), get in the car and leave. 

“Where are we going?” Rey asks, sounding as tired as she feels. 

“My dorm,” Ben says, pulling away from the curb and redirecting towards the highway. “I don’t think you should be alone tonight. But if you want me to drop you off at Finn’s—”

“No,” Rey says quickly. “I want to stay with you.” 

It warms him up inside. 

“Alright. So, we’ll swing by for some food. Hux is staying with Phasma, so you can have my bed.” Ben is driving, so he doesn’t see Rey’s blush. 

Like always, Ben lets Rey pick the music; this time, it’s the Jonas Brothers. Ben’s noticed Rey doesn’t like sad songs, even if they’re pop. He thinks he knows why. 

While he drives, Rey tells him about gossip she’s heard from people he doesn’t care for (but very much so enjoys finding out about), and in turn he tells her about the projects he’s currently working on. She asks if he’s talked to his parents, and Ben says he hasn’t; he doesn’t need to talk to them for anything. He pays tuition and his daily needs straight from the college fund grandpa Bail had set for him. His mom still sends him a text message once a month asking how he is, but his father stopped trying after two months. He knows it makes Rey sad, especially because who knows what bull Luke feeds her during her shifts, but he’s honestly happier without them in his life. More stable. The anger isn’t encompassing, as it usually is whenever they do something else that makes him feel like a ghost.

When they find a McDonald’s and stop for a bite, Ben even finds it in himself to ask her if she’s given more thought to the matter of being asexual. He can tell the question surprises her because they never talk about romantic relationships, but she answers anyway. 

“I have,” she says, munching on a fry. “I think I’m not like Poe, because I do want love and everything that comes with it. I found the description of demisexuality nice, though; it’s when you can only like someone physically after getting to know them. It resonates a lot more within me, you know? But I don’t think I’ll define myself as one. I’m not a fan of labels.” 

Ben raises an eyebrow. 

“So you are, but you won’t define yourself that way,” Ben says slowly, and Rey simply nods with a shrug. 

“It makes my stomach clench to think of trying to explain myself to other people. Poe has such a hard time already, and it’s not a difficult concept to grasp. I prefer to keep things simple. People still ask me why I don’t have a boyfriend, and I just tell them I’m waiting for the right person.”

Ben smiles at her. 

“That’s a good answer,” he commends. It’s a simple, truthful and kind reply to an intrusive question. 

“What about you?” Rey asks, looking down as she munches on another fry, bathed in an obscene amount of ketchup. “Any girl caught your eye yet?” 

Ben wants to laugh at how hard she’s trying to fake indifference, but he doesn’t. He thinks she’s cute for trying, though. 

“None so far,” Ben admits. Jannah aside (and it’ll be a long day in hell before he talks about his sex life with anyone else, less alone Rey), he hasn’t really been interested. Two girls from his English 101 classes had slipped him their numbers after doing a project together, but he hadn’t known either of them and had thrown the papers away, thinking it must’ve been a prank. In his art classes, everyone was too focused on their own projects and hardly ever interacted with each other. 

“Oh,” Rey says, and she takes a long sip from her diet coke. 

“You ready to go?” Ben asks, seeing that she’s polished off her two burgers and large fries. She assesses her trash and with a reluctant nod tells him that yes, she’s done. He grabs their trays and dumps the garbage in the appropriate cans, leaving the trays where they belong. They walk outside, and Ben notices Rey shiver despite the fact that she’s now wearing the hoodie he gifted her. Pursing his lips, he shrugs off his jean jacket and hands it over. 

“But you’ll be—” she starts complaining, mouth closing abruptly. He raises an eyebrow at her rising blush, but doesn’t press because for once she just pulls it on, fitting loosely despite being put on over a thick sweater. 

He shivers, the ends of winter tickling the back of his naked neck. 

The rest of the ride to the dorm is spent in comfortable silence, Hozier crooning in the background. Ben thinks about Rey; Rey thinks about Ben. The two have different lines of thought, but both are glad for the other’s presence. 

When they arrive at Ben’s dorm room and set down Rey’s bags, the silence is much heavier. Ben is suddenly aware that he invited a sixteen-year-old girl to his room, and he wonders if maybe he should’ve sent her to Phasma’s. He shakes off the thought quickly; Rey wouldn’t have accepted staying with a stranger. 

He doesn’t have to point out his bed to her, because Rey is already plopping down on it; he remembers then she helped him move in all those months ago. She lies down, hands threaded over her lower stomach, shoes kicked off. 

“I looked him up, you know,” Rey says. “Palpatine. He was a terrible man. I wish I wasn’t related to him.” 

Ben looks down at his socks, curling his toes in. 

“I get it. My grandfather was a serial killer, remember?” Ben sits down on the edge of Hux’s bed. “And they’re terrible people, but if they hadn’t existed neither would we. So I chose not to think so much about it anymore.” 

“What happens next?” Rey turns on her side, facing him. She looks so small, swamped by the hoodie, face drawn. Ben lies down and mirrors her position. 

“We celebrate, because you’re no longer bound to Plutt,” Ben can’t help grinning at the smile she tries to stifle. “You could live with Finn while everything gets settled. Once you’re emancipated, we can get you an apartment and a car.” 

He makes everything sound simple. 

“What if I don’t want his dirty money?” 

It’s a fair concern, and one Ben takes seriously. 

“I can help you donate whatever you want, but I do think you should secure your financial future. I can help you run some numbers; you should take into account money for college tuition, daily expenses at least some ten years, and even something for traveling. You deserve to not worry anymore about money, Rey. You should never choose again between lunch and a ride home.” 

Rey swallows hard.

“I’m scared of having that much money. What if it changes me?” 

Ben does his best not to laugh, but he knows he fails a bit from her narrowed eyes. 

“Rey, you still fight Rose just for picking up the tab at KFC. It’s the least of your worries,” Ben tells her. “I’ll help you. I’ve grown up knowing when to place value on money and when not to; I’ll teach you how to spend responsibly while enjoying what you have.” 

She smiles wide at that. 

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Ben,” Rey admits. “You’re my favorite person.” 

His heart is warm. 

“You’re my favorite person, too,” he says, just as quietly. 

She sniffles. 

“Can you… hold me? Just for tonight. I need…” Rey doesn’t know how to finish, and despite the warning bells going off in Ben’s brain he stands up and moves to settle between Rey and the wall, feeling far more comfortable on his own mattress. He opens his arms, and without any hesitation Rey dives into his chest, burying her face in it and wrapping her arms around his waist tightly. 

His arms go around her, holding her to him. 

Unable to help it, he drops a kiss on the crown of her head. 

She sniffles.    

“I’m really glad I was there to share all that green with you,” Rey whispers, the sound muffled. It sounds odd, but Ben knows what she means; she doesn’t want to say he was being bullied, because he doesn’t like thinking that either. She’s talking about his pain, not the paint; how she might’ve stained her hands green for a little while, but she spared him some of the humiliation and allowed him to look through the paint dripping down his face. 

Absentmindedly, he strokes his thumb across the skin between the hoodie (his jacket long abandoned) and her pants, not even noticing her shiver. Human contact is something he’s lacked for a large portion of his life —Han is not the affectionate type, and Leia is never home long enough for the contact to be meaningful. As a child, he wasn’t allowed to slip into his parents’ bed whenever he had a nightmare; once, he tried turning to Threepio instead. When the butler saw him, standing there in his pajamas, he immediately scolded him for thinking it was appropriate and sent him back up to his room. There were many nights where he didn’t sleep, plagued by bad dreams made worse by the loneliness. Now, he has someone to comfort; he wishes he could tell his ten-year-old self that a friend was coming, if only he’d give her a little more time to grow up. 

So no, he’s not just glad she was there for him. 

She saved him. 

He owes her the world.

He tells her as much.

“You saved me.” 

She’s everything.

Curled together, they fall asleep. 

Chapter Text

Rey Niima knows exactly when she falls in love with Ben Solo. 

It’s not the same moment as when she knew she had a crush on him, which she realized when they were at the auto cinema watching Casablanca, and instead of paying attention to the movie they talked the whole time. That’s when she knew there was no one in the world she liked better, a lucky feeling because he was also the cutest boy she’d ever met. She called him her best friend but thought of him as so much more.

She thinks she liked him first and then thought him handsome, but then again, when she thinks about their first meeting (actually no, their second one at the festival) she remembers looking at his lips and wondering how it’d feel to kiss him, and looking at his hair and wanting to run her fingers through them. Maybe it’s subjective, but Rey’s thought him to be the prettiest boy she knows, with his intense eyes and big ears. 

But then, there’s the moment she realizes she loves him, and suddenly he looks a hundred times hotter, and she has to force herself not to call him every day. 

She falls in love when he gifts her the painting. 

He’s done a lot more for her besides that, she knows, and in that portrait she looks skinnier and smaller than she is now, which is never good for one’s self-esteem when trying to attract an older boy’s attention. But nobody’s ever made something for her, and the moment it’s in her hands she realizes she wishes with every fiber of her being for Ben to be hers. 

She grows to dread every time he mentions a new girl, wondering if this is the one who’ll realize the amazing guy that Ben is. Rey’s never had much, never wanted it either; but she finds herself being greedy and selfish when it comes to Ben Solo, and hopes she’ll be forgiven by whoever’s up there. 

Ben’s first semester of college, she spends it pining for him. Rose and Finn take to teasing her about how often she looks at her phone, and one time she’s at Poe’s when Ben calls —she runs out so fast Poe teases her that her ass caught on fire for the rest of the night. 

One day, when she stays over at Poe’s with the whole gang, she dares to ask him if he feels happy being alone. If he doesn’t think he’d like a lover’s touch better than a friend’s. He takes it for the curiosity it is, thankfully, when he answers her: It’s not for him. He feels awkward, uncomfortable, like he’s pretending to be someone he isn’t; the warmth others seek for in romantic love, he finds in friends. Being in love is something he fails to understand, no matter how many people he dated, so eventually he stopped trying and realized he didn’t miss it. Wanting to hold hands or kiss someone is nothing more than a passing thought; sex isn’t something he finds pleasing, so he doesn’t miss it. He feels happy by himself, surrounded by friends and family, and nothing aches; romance and sex aren’t for him, especially not when there are so many things out there to discover. That’s how Rey knows she isn’t asexual, but that her drive might just be a little different from most teens’. 

Digressing. 

Rey lives for that one phone call a week, and she gets nervous every time her thumb hits Ben’s contact. He always answers, even if he’s with other people who must be cooler and taller than her. His voice is always warm, never annoyed, and it means far more to her than either of them knows. Once or twice he tells her he’s not feeling up to talking, naming his angry thoughts as the culprit, and she bids him adieu with kindness, waiting for the moment he calls her back with an apology and a funny story. 

And then her life becomes a shit show, and he’s the first person she calls; he arrives, frantic, and when he gets off the car her heart drops to her feet before picking back up like a mutant butterfly. He looks huge, a feature Rey never knew she found attractive until she saw him with his tight jacket and even tighter jeans. She knows he doesn’t see her clench her thighs together, and she’s thankful for his obliviousness. She doesn’t need him knowing she’s not only hopelessly in love with him, but she’s also stupidly attracted to him. She wonders how he’d feel if he knew a sixteen year old felt this way about him. 

She has it bad, but it becomes even worse after they spend the night cuddled close together. 

Rey wakes up first, early riser that she is. 

They fell asleep in their street clothes, so when she wakes up she’s pretty sure that what’s pressing into her stomach isn’t a phone but Ben’s morning wood, even if the jeans make it hard to tell combined with her huge hoodie. 

She bites down on her lip, weighing the pros and cons of quickly feeling him up. 

He won’t even know. 

You perverted creep, he’d never do that to you. 

She’s about to give into her baser instincts when Ben lets out a groan. Gulping, she shuts her eyes and pretends to be asleep as he detangles himself from her. He sits on the edge of the bed, probably rubbing the sleep from his eyes. 

“Rey,” he says gruffly, and she makes a grunt that acknowledges she’s awake. “I’m gonna shower. Need anything?” 

She shakes her head, but then realizes he probably can’t see her. So she rasps out a no, and some shuffling later he steps out of the room. 

By the time the two of them are showered and sitting down for breakfast at the diner two blocks from Ben’s dorm room, they are awake enough to start thinking of a plan. 

“I have an uncle,” Ben begins, and when Rey frowns (remembering he’s said his father was an only child and that Leia only had Luke as a brother), he elaborates, “He’s one of my father’s best friends. Uncle Lando. Anyway, he’s a lawyer, and I’m sure he can help you, if you’d feel more comfortable with a different one.”

Rey nods immediately. She hadn’t liked yesterday’s man, anyway. 

“We should start with a restraining order against Plutt. I don’t know what he might try, now that he knows his free meal ticket’s left,” Ben mutters darkly, poking at his scrambled eggs. Already, Rey’s managed to sneak a bacon from his plate, but he doesn’t complain. “Meanwhile, you need a place to stay. I’d offer, but with Hux there it doesn’t seem practical.” 

Rey shakes her head easily enough. 

“I’m thinking I can crash at Finn’s for a week,” Rey says, knowing her friend would in fact insist on it. Still, she doesn’t want to impose for however long it takes to have the emancipation papers in order. “After that…” 

“We’ll figure it out,” Ben promises, taking a sip from his grapefruit juice. Rey’s never met anyone who likes that juice as much as Ben. “If it comes down to that, you could live with my parents. They wouldn’t say no.” 

They’re negligent, not monsters. 

Rey knows how much it means that he’s offering to talk to his parents for her, when he seems so happy to live apart from them. She wonders if he ever plans to go back. 

They finish breakfast talking about happier things. Ben tells Rey he’s going to be on an apprenticeship under a tattoo artist for the summer; he’s been thinking about aiming his future career towards that, and since Phasma’s cousin owns a tattoo parlor, he figures it’s good to make use of the connection. Rey says she’ll probably spend it figuring out her living arrangements, but that they have to speak with Uncle Lando first. She tells him she’s doing great with school, has a nearly perfect GPA, and that this upcoming semester she’s joining the robotics team; as part of her community service, she’s thinking of volunteering during the summer at the local library’s kid reading group. Ben thinks it’s a great idea because she’s at the same emotional level as them, and she sticks her tongue out at him. Then she asks him if he thinks she’d be good at tutoring science to first graders, and Ben hardly lets her finish her sentence before he affirms that yes, she’s perfect for it. 

It’s how, slowly, she starts filling up her afternoons and weekends with plans. 

Rey stays that weekend at Ben’s, and even begs him to let her see some of his school projects. He does (he never denies her anything), and she finds that he was painting a beautiful blonde woman. When she asks who that is, he says it’s Phasma, Hux’s girlfriend. Relieved, Rey smiles brightly and tells him he chose a very pretty model. He tweaks her nose, and they leave it at that. 

They spend most of Saturday afternoon on a phone call with Uncle Lando (“You should really give your parents a call kid, they’re worried about you.”) talking about her situation. Lucky for her, Lando’s field of expertise include emancipation cases. He first tells her to contact her social worker, since they don’t want her to be reported as a runaway. Once she does (and gets yelled at, amusing herself throughout the sermon by Ben’s increasingly angry face) the social worker tells her to give Lando’s number so they can talk. 

Hours go by before Lando calls her back and explains the situation. She can’t just get up and leave, he explains, and he’ll shout at Ben about that later. For the time being, she’ll get placed in a group home, and the social worker will pick her up tomorrow afternoon at Lando’s, a neutral meeting point. He tells her all of the documents she has to get started on compiling, the statements, the proof that she’s capable of living by herself, financial statements. She’s grateful that she gave her money to Ben, who opens an app and shows her all the money she’s saved up (it’s incredible how much money she has now that it’s not getting stolen). 

Sunday morning, they wake up in separate beds, much to Rey’s dismay. She leaves her valuables with Ben, knowing he’ll take care of them. 

Before driving her back to Lando’s, the two of them swing by for brunch with Hux and Phasma. 

When Phasma sees her, her blue eyes widen. 

“I thought you’d be taller!” she exclaims once introductions are made. Rey starts saying that she’s got an inch left in her, which is taller than average even if not Ben-sized, when Phasma stands up from the booth and makes her swallow her words. 

Next to the blonde, everyone’s bound to be tiny. 

Hux and Ben laugh at Rey’s startled expression, and Phasma has that face she sometimes sees on Ben that means she’s being regarded as adorable. It’s odd; she doesn’t feel cute, but here are two people who look ready to pinch her cheeks. Phasma drags her into a hug, and Rey struggles not to blush when her face lands right on her boobs.

“Nice to see you again, Rey,” Hux says, and thankfully, he doesn’t try hugging her. She doesn’t like men touching her, with the exception of Ben and Finn. Bad experiences she’d rather not think about. 

“You too,” Rey says, and the foursome takes a seat, girls sat in front of the boys. 

“So you’re the best friend Solo rambles on about,” Phasma turns to smirk at Rey, who fights a blush but can’t help the quizzical look. “He never said you’re cute as a button.” 

For some reason, this makes Rey’s stomach feel heavy, which is ridiculous. She doesn’t go around saying Ben’s hot, either. 

“Stop teasing her, Gwen,” Hux says in monotone, eyebrows scrunched together as he assesses the menu. “You getting the pancakes?” 

“Yes,” Phasma says, before turning to Ben, who’s studiously reading the menu as well. “Solo, your defense?” 

“So if you get the pancakes, I’ll get waffles with eggs. Mind sharing your bacon with me?” Hux asks. 

Phasma makes a noise but doesn’t say no, which must satisfy her boyfriend. She’s still staring intently at Ben. 

“Hux saw her last semester,” Ben grumbles, flipping the menu to look at the back. “I would’ve thought he told you.” 

Phasma scoffs, leaning back and crossing her arms in front of her chest. She gives Rey a side eye before scoffing again. 

“Armitage never gives me visuals. I thought Ben would be a tiny, scared freshman, not this,” she waves a hand vaguely in said giant’s direction. “And from how you spoke of Rey, I thought she’d be six feet tall with a hard-ass glare. But she’s just a cutie.”

Rey gapes at Ben, wondering what he’s said about her. From where his ears poke out, she can tell they’re red. 

“What did he say about me?” Rey asks, affronted, and mimics Phasma’s position. Ben’s shoulders grow tense. The woman relaxes her position, realizing her words might have been misconstrued. 

“Oh, nothing but praise baby,” Gwen soothes, running a hand up and down Rey’s arm. “It’s just always about how cool you are. Made you seem big, and coming from him, I pictured someone scarier than him.” 

Ben’s scowl deepens.

“Gwen, babe, you’re not helping,” Hux says distractedly, leaning over and pointing at the menu in Ben’s hand. “Dude, you should get the fruit salad so we can split.” 

Ben ignores him, which Hux takes as agreement. 

“Ben’s not scary,” Rey says automatically. “He’s quite sweet, actually.” 

Now Hux looks up, and he joins his girlfriend in gaping at the young teenager. Ben’s ears are burning. 

“You—”

“Hey folks, what can I get ya?” A preppy voice asks, interrupting the follow-up question, with that mysterious way servers of choosing the most awkward moment to appear. Quickly, the party of four places their orders, Ben the sunny-side up eggs and Rey a bagel with a vanilla milkshake. But Ben’s friends have far from forgotten the conversation. 

“Wait, he’s sweet?” Hux asks, jerking his thumb to the man beside him. “He’s a good guy, I’ll give you that, but… sweet. Ben, who listens to the saddest songs while drawing, who looks like he’s plotting a murder every time he’s thinking deep about something. Six feet and a half, looks like he could crush you with his pinky. The guy who once told me I looked so pale I could be confused for the moon at night, and thought it was a compliment. Whose first comment to Gwen was, You’re too pretty for Hux. That guy?”

“It was sweet, in a way,” Phasma pipes up, grinning. “Though I agree. Every time he smiles it looks like it pains him.” 

Rey knows it’s because he feels self-conscious about his teeth, but she doesn’t say that. 

“Ben’s not scary,” Rey repeats, shrugging. She wants to tell them all he’s done for her, but thinks he wouldn’t appreciate being exposed that way. He does kind things because it’s who he is, not to prove anything to anyone. 

After that, the conversation moves away from the sensitive topics and instead Hux seems fascinated by Rey’s future career. She explains some of what she knows already through reading books about space, and at one point Phasma mutters that she wishes Hux showed that much interest in her. Still, despite how intense they are, Rey finds herself liking Hux and Phasma; they make a nice couple, touching each other casually and knowing each other’s ticks, like when she wordlessly scrapes the honey from Hux’s waffles, or when Hux asks their server to bring back more milk for her coffee. It’s sweet, and Rey wonders how long they’ve been together. 

Eventually, the four of them part; Rey exchanges numbers with Hux (who wants to do a project on space and would appreciate her insight) and Phasma (who says she likes gossiping), and then they part ways. 

In the car, Ben looks at her for a beat before turning on the car. 

“What did you think about them?” 

Rey smiles, thinking of how much they laughed today. 

“I liked them,” she admits. “They’re intense, but nice. I’m glad you found them.” 

Ben nods, the tension slipping from his shoulders. 

“I just wish you’d let them in,” Rey continues, looking out the window as they leave the parking lot. Uncle Lando’s house is thirty minutes away, apparently, and given how Ben’s driving he doesn’t seem to be in any rush. “I can tell they just know a little about how great you are.”

He doesn’t say anything for a moment, and she thinks he might be angry. She’s about to turn to check when he speaks. 

“It makes me self-conscious,” he says, and she hears him turn on the blinkers. “Like they’ll find it weird if they know commercials make me cry.” 

Rey laughs, remembering when she made that discovery.

The last one to hit him where it hurts was about the Olympics.   

“They might,” she agrees, then shrugs. “But they’ll get used to it. You’re the least scary person I know, Ben. People should see you as you are.” 

She faces him again, sees he’s running a hand through his hair. 

“I thought you might’ve been a little scared of me,” Ben confesses. “How I snapped on graduation day, that couldn’t have been pretty.” 

Rey presses her lips together. 

“You were hurting, Ben,” she says simply. “I wouldn’t hold that against you.”

She loves him. 

“Thank you,” he whispers. 

After that, Rey chatters on about how her summer plans will change now that she has to go back to the group home, and how the last one she was at had been hell on earth. She says it lightly, doesn’t elaborate, but knows that eventually she’ll end up telling Ben about it, like she tells him everything. He tells her he’ll come back in a week to check in on her, and to remember that she can count on him for anything. 

When they reach Lando’s house, the older man is already waiting outside. He’s wearing an impeccable wine-red suit, his graying curls cut short. When Ben comes to a stop in front of him, he gets out and, after opening Rey’s door, is pulled into a hug. A real one, not one of those that men give each other quickly with a slap on their backs. 

“Hey Uncle Lando,” Ben greets, yelping when the older man smacks him upside the head. 

“What were you thinking of boy, not only breaking a kid out of foster care but having her stay with you. If that social worker catches sight of you, she might pin you for harboring a minor,” Uncle Lando snaps, making Rey flinch from the implication. Her fault. 

“I was desperate,” Ben says simply, rubbing his head. Uncle Lando rolls his eyes, and then he turns to look at Rey. 

“You must be Miss Rey Niima, right?” Lando smiles, and he looks so charming Rey can’t help but smile back despite the nerves. His mustache twitches. “Lando Calrissian, at your service.” 

“Thanks for helping me,” Rey begins, but Lando doesn’t even let her finish the sentence. 

“Please, anything for Ben’s pretty friends,” he winks, and when she blushes, Ben sends a furious glare at his uncle. 

“Right now I don’t have the money to—” Rey begins to explain, not wanting him to think she expected his charity, but the man snorts so loudly it startles her. 

“I don’t charge family, Miss Rey,” Lando says with such a tone of finality her jaw snaps shut. “But I will be expecting you to give your mother a call. That’s my fee, kid,” Lando says, giving Ben a pointed look. 

“I thought there was no charge,” Ben grumbles, but before his uncle can start fighting him he gives a reluctant nod. “I’ll call her.”

“Tonight.”

“Tonight,” Ben repeats, casting an agonized look at the sky. Rey wonders if she should insist on paying (she’ll have money now), but she also kind of wants Ben to talk to his parents. She says nothing.

“Also, is it me or did you suddenly grow muscles?” Uncle Lando asks, and the two friends are so surprised they burst out laughing. Talk about unobservant people. “Alright alright, stop laughing at me kid. Get going before the social worker sees you.”

Ben sighs, nodding, and goes to the backseat to bring out Rey’s bags. He sets them down next to her, then gives her a tight hug (whispering in her ear to call him when she’s settled in) before giving one to Uncle Lando. 

He’s about to slip into the driver’s seat when the old lawyer stops him. 

“Oh, and Ben?” Ben waits, looking at the man with his hands stuck in the front pockets of his pants. Lando smiles. “Give Leia my love.” 

Ben makes a face, replying before getting in. 

“You should give it to her yourself.”

Chapter Text

Ben makes it his life’s mission to make sure Rey is ok. 

He spends spring teaching Rey how to manage her finances, how to cook on the weekends (she’s not great, but at least she doesn’t burn toast anymore) and calling every other day to make sure she’s settling comfortably into the home group. 

She likes it better than Plutt’s, she says, but she still won’t feel safe until she has her own space. Rey takes up tutoring the younger kids, saying she likes teaching and as a plus it’ll go to her college application. He doesn’t question it. 

He drives back almost every weekend to see how she’s doing. The test results came back positive, so Rey manages to claim the Palpatine fortune (but not the name, stating she wanted nothing to do with that). Lando pours over documents and makes sure to keep Ben updated on the proceedings, telling him when the court hearing is set to happen (early summer). Overall, it seems like Rey will get her wish of emancipation. 

When the end of the semester comes around, Ben manages to stay two weeks in his dorm room before he’s eventually kicked out, forced to find someplace to call home for the rest of the summer. He chooses a studio apartment with a short-term lease; it has enough space for his paintings, a bed, the kitchen, a bathroom and a small dining table. It’s twenty minutes away from the tattoo parlor he’ll be working at, but more importantly, it’s fifteen minutes away from Rey’s home group. 

That summer, they see each other more than in high school; being physically closer, Ben takes the time to pick up Rey every day from Luke’s so he can keep up the lessons. Sometimes Ben joins her at Poe’s on the weekends, where everyone from Rey’s friend group gets together more often than not. The first time they see him, Finn chokes and asks if he’s on steroids. Ben scowls and doesn’t dignify that with an answer. Paige, who’s been accepted into Chandrila U’s economy department, suddenly leans more into him every time they’re playing a game. At some point, Rey gets up and wiggles in between them; Paige frowns, but Ben’s only amused. Rey’s used to getting all of his attention, so he doesn’t find it odd that she’s jealous over her best friend.    

Ben picks up tattooing quickly from Kaydel, the parlor’s owner. He even brings Rey over once, and the two girls bond quickly; after that, Ben makes it a point to bring Rey in at least once a week. Kaydel’s a nice woman, much shorter than Phasma, but just as beautiful; her wife, Lusica Stynnix, is at the front desk handling appointments and payment. Lusica’s not the friendliest woman, so he tries steering clear of her as much as he can. 

By the time Rey’s hearing comes and goes, and she’s officially emancipated, half the summer has gone by. 

With Finn, Rose and Ben’s help, they find her an apartment that’s ideal for a girl living by herself, on the school bus’s route but a little closer to Chandrila U, where Rey is confident she’ll get into and pursue her degree in astrophysics. 

Ben accompanies her furniture-hunting (she’d insisted on a pull-out couch among other things), acquiring kitchen stuff and even plants to freshen up her place. Now that she’s allowed to open her own bank account, he also goes with her for that, silently transferring to her the money she’s saved up. He helps her paint the place, find insurance, fill up her closet and, once everything is done, hang up the painting he’d gifted her. 

Rey spends the first night at her place crying so hard Ben has to drive over at midnight so she’ll have someone to wail with. She tells him, among hiccups, that she never thought she’d have her own place. That she loves her new home so much she never wants to leave. Ben just holds her and reassures her that this place is going nowhere; that it’s all hers, and she’s worked hard to get where she is.  

Eventually, school starts up again. 

Rey’s a junior now, Ben a sophomore. This school year flies by even faster, Rey focusing on extracurricular activities for her college application and Ben preparing for a gallery opening he’s meant to participate in at the start of the summer. Finn and Rose break up once, citing incompatibility within their college choices, only to make up when they realize they’re absolutely miserable without each other. Or, well, when Rey locks them in the janitor’s closet and only lets them out once the noises start becoming wildly inappropriate for a public space; Rose thanks her for running interference by making a batch of cookies so delicious Rey puts on two whole pounds from eating it in one seating. No regrets, though. Poe is gearing up to become a pilot (he’s still undecided on whether he wants to fly commercial or with the Air Force), and Paige apparently loves Chandrila U so much she even joins a sorority. Ben grows closer to Hux and his family, Phasma tagging along for Christmas this time around; he even ends up becoming friends with Dopheld Mitaka, a skinny boy who shakes when someone looks at him for a beat too long. 

Throughout the year, Ben considers a handful of times calling his parents. 

He’d called his mother, as promised, after meeting up with Lando back when they were dealing with Rey’s new situation. Leia had picked up on the second ring, surprised and pleased; she asked when he was coming home, and he said he wasn’t sure. Leia had told him he was missed; Ben thought they were pretty words. His mother knew where he was and had still chosen not to visit. 

One night, when Ben is lying awake on Rey’s pullout couch, she comes up to him with bleary eyes and asks what he’s thinking about. Honestly, he says that he’s thinking about his parents; whether they miss him, or if it’s just the shame of having their son not come back which makes them occasionally try to contact him. It’s not like he expected them to suddenly change, or to crawl to him crying to come back home, but at least a visit would’ve been nice. 

“Luke says,” Rey whispers hesitantly, knowing Ben never likes hearing about his uncle, “That Han calls him every week to know how you’re doing, if I’ve said anything. That Leia feels so much shame for not knowing how you felt that she’s started going to therapy. Your parents love you, Ben. Some people just aren’t all that good at showing it.” 

It’s the only time they speak of the matter, but it makes Ben feel a lot better. Like his parents are waiting for him to be ready instead of bullying him into showing up. He feels guilty towards Rey for shunning parents who want him (he thinks, honestly the whole thing’s up for debate), and even though Rey admits she’d felt angry in the beginning, she’s come to accept that his feelings needed healing just like hers. Besides, she admits almost shyly, she can’t genuinely defend anyone who’s ever hurt him.  

He asks her to pose for him. 

They’ve known each other for three years, and Ben’s never asked it. Rey doesn’t hesitate to tell him yes, and they go on a picnic in late March. He brings out his sketchbook, tells her to act natural; when that doesn’t work, he tells her to close her eyes and lean back on her elbows. She’s wearing a white dress and loose hair for a change; she doesn’t see what he draws, but he tells her she’ll see soon enough. 

Soon enough turns out to be halfway through June. 

He invites her to the gallery, nervous as he’s ever been over such showings. 

Hux and Phasma also have art in the exhibit, but nobody gets nearly as much attention as Ben Solo. He’s standing next to his painting titled Sunshine, which is half his height and as wide as his wingspan. 

Rey texts him she’s here; he walks outside to meet her. 

She looks… grown up. 

Maybe it’s because of how much time they spend together, but it’s only now that Ben is realizing her cheekbones acquired a definition they didn’t have three years ago, and her hair is much longer than she’d ever had it, and that blue dress fits her like a glove. Her freckles stand out in a makeup-less face. 

He’s wearing a suit for once, his hair brushed into fine waves, shoes squeaky clean. Coincidentally, he’s wearing a navy blue tie. Rey comments on this with a wide smile, how funny it is that they’re matching. Nervously, Ben makes some mindless reply and guides her throughout the exhibit, a hand placed softly on her lower back, wanting to save his art for last. 

Hux made a sculpture; Phasma made an abstract project. Rey ‘Oohs’ and ‘Aahs’ almost every piece, lingering on an explosion of yellow and orange from some classmate Ben has never talked to. 

Then they reach Ben’s art, and her brain short-circuits. 

It’s her. Leaning back on her elbows, white dress with its stitched-on sunflowers, legs crossed at her ankles. Her hair is loose, easily touching the picnic blanket in that position. She’s turned her head towards the viewer, left eye scrunched shut as if warding off the sun and mouth open mid-word. The background is blurred, but there’s clearly people walking behind her in the distance. She can see the freckles on her nose, the subtle changes in her eye color. 

Rey is beautiful. 

“So… what do you think?” Ben asks her anxiously, having observed her reaction closely. It’s a mystery, what she’s thinking, and he feels like he’ll cry if she doesn’t give him an answer soon. Maybe he’d missed more details than he’d thought. 

Rey’s heels give her four inches, which still doesn’t allow her to be at eye level with Ben, but she raises on her tiptoes and, on instinct, he bends his neck to catch whatever she wants to tell him. 

Turns out there are no words: just a kiss. 

Ben’s not expecting it. There’re things one sees coming and things that fucking slap you without warning. This is a nuclear bomb, Ben thinks, because he’s never before thought about Rey Niima pressing her lips to his, angling so his nose doesn’t poke her eye out. Her lips are soft, a little cold from the AC, and she mostly misses and only manages to catch his upper lip.

He doesn’t see fireworks or anything like that. 

His ears do ring, and he shuts his eyes instantly as if bracing himself for whatever comes next. He feels like his heart is about to beat out of his chest. 

Ben’s not sure how long the kiss lasts, but when Rey does break away and the two have their eyes opened, whatever his best friend sees isn’t what she wanted. Her breath hitches, she mumbles out that she’s sorry, and then she runs away. 

As if she hadn’t just left turmoil in her wake. 

Truthfully, Ben had never thought of Rey as something other than a friend. 

He’s been aware of how pretty she is from the moment they met, and last spring had been a shock appearance-wise. But when they met she was fourteen years old, hadn’t even had her period yet (she admitted this when her first time caught her at Luke’s and she begged him to run to the store for pads in her stead), and she’d had the innocence of a kid in her eyes. Ben had been so starved for friendship, for love, his brain had taken what it could and stored their relationship in a careful box labeled ‘best friend’. 

He wonders if she likes him, or if she let herself get carried away. She’s seventeen years old and he’s twenty-one; he realizes that the age gap doesn’t feel as dire as it did three years ago, though it’s true she’s not yet eighteen. Then again, it’s not as if people suddenly change and become responsible when reaching a magical age; whatever happens from now on, Ben knows he can’t question Rey’s ability to decide. If anyone knows what they want and has the capacity to choose with their best interests in mind, it’s Rey. 

Ben takes so long in the process of thinking all this that he realizes at least an hour has gone by, and Rey must be tucked into bed already. His phone has no new messages. He looks up at his painting, which his professor assured him was the most moving piece he’d ever done, and stares. 

That’s Rey, he first thinks; no, he realizes. That’s a woman. 

One who’s beautiful, and grown up, and his best friend. And he just let her run away from him like a fucking asshole. 

He’s already presented his piece, and he sends Hux a quick text asking him to take care of his things because he’s currently facing an emergency. 

In reply, Hux sends him a picture of Rey kissing Ben, looking surprisingly sharp for how shitty Hux’s phone is. Then Hux sends a thumbs up emoji and tells him he’s got things covered. 

Ben refrains from crushing his phone in favor of finding his car and burning rubber on his way to Rey’s. 

He doesn’t have to knock, having a key to her place; he considers knocking anyway to give Rey more of a choice in whether or not she wants to see him, but he knows her enough to know if he gives her the choice she’ll shut him out forever. She needs him to barrel over her insecurities and show her he’s still her best friend. 

He finds her shoes chucked to the side of the entrance, the lights out in the apartment. He knows she’s not asleep, though, because he hears sniffling from her bedroom. 

Heart in his throat, Ben toes off his shoes and quietly shuffles his way to her. 

She’s curled up in a ball on the left side of her queen-sized bed, already changed out of her dress and wearing what seems to be the t-shirt he’d gifted her with sweatpants. He can’t see her face, but the sobs are too loud and too hurtful. 

“Rey.” 

Her back stills. 

“Go away,” he hears her mumble, and he sits down cross-legged on the right side, facing her. 

“I’m not leaving until you talk to me, Rey.” 

“Go away,” she repeats, making Ben sigh. He quickly undoes his tie and lets his jacket flop down to the ground, taking off his belt as well. He pops the first two buttons of his collar; then he lies down and plasters his front to her back, winding his arms around her waist. Rey struggles, trying to free herself, but Ben only tightens his hold and digs his chin into the crown of her head. 

“Talk to me,” Ben repeats, quieter this time. 

“I’m sorry,” Rey blubbers, sniffling. He can’t see her face, but he can imagine tears streaming down her cheeks.

“For what?” Ben asks gently. 

“I kissed you,” Rey murmurs, as if it’s a secret he doesn’t know. “And you didn’t return it. So, I forced myself on you. I’m sorry.” 

Ben sighs, long and loud. 

“Rey, why did you do that? I just want to understand. I’m not mad.” 

Again, she tries to curl further into herself. As if she wants to disappear. 

“I…” she clears her throat, tries again. “I’ve always wanted to do that.”

Ben’s stomach drops, then seems to switch places with his heart. 

“What?” 

“Pretty much since we met,” Rey blurts out. “Most definitely since we saw Casablanca together. It’s… it’s not new, what I feel.” 

Ben frowns, wondering if it’s really been so long that she’s had these feelings bottled up inside. He wonders what happened to the whole preoccupation about her sexuality, thinking back to what she’d said she identified with: only finding attractive someone you like. Does that mean…? He feels a headache incoming. 

“Rey, I don’t… When we met, you were fourteen. You do understand why I haven’t seen you that way, right? That you just looked… so young.” 

It fractures her heart a little, but it’s not something Rey didn’t already know. She’d seen it in his first drawing of her, just how small he saw her as. He’d never said he considered her a sister, but a few times she’d gotten that impression. 

“I know, Ben,” Rey whispers, feeling the pressure behind her eyes that always followed hard crying. “I know that, but… I’ll be eighteen in like four months. I’m emancipated. I drive. I buy my own groceries. I’m not a kid.”

Ben remembers seeing her in the blue dress, and he quietly agrees. 

“I know that.” 

“Did I…” Rey swallows hard, trying to hold back a new bout of tears. Her voice breaks. “Did I ruin our friendship?” 

Horrified, Ben crushes her against his chest, his knees tucking up beneath hers. 

“Never,” he says vehemently. “You’re the most important person in my life, Rey. You know that.” 

She does. 

However, she fears that this position could one day be replaced. 

Rey imagines a future where, after this conversation, she tells him to pretend nothing ever happened. He does, because Ben would never deny her, and he goes back home to process the fact that his younger friend has romantic feelings towards him, settling on the idea that she’s young and naive and probably didn’t mean it. Rey avoids his calls and visits, eventually letting another year go by; tells him one day when they meet up with everyone that she’s over him, and sees his look of relief that they can go back to being normal friends (as if they’d even been anything other than extraordinary together). Then the years go by and he tells her he’s met someone, and he loves the woman, might even marry her. The woman tells Ben she doesn’t like the way Rey looks at him, and being ever so faithful, Ben puts distance between the two. She gets invited to the wedding; gets pronounced their future child’s godmother. She escapes to the moon and tries to find someone either on Earth or in space who makes her feel a fraction of what she feels for Ben. She never finds them.

She dies alone. 

Horrible future in mind, Rey decides that the only thing she can do is be brave. Face her feelings and, by proxy, force Ben to face her feelings as well. 

Mind made up, Rey takes hold of one of his hands (mitten sized as they are) and places it square on her right breast. She hears Ben choke, possibly realizing she’s in fact not wearing a bra, and before he can right his thoughts she slides his hand down her side, coming to rest on top of her ass. 

Ben mumbles something unintelligible.  

“I’m not a little girl anymore, Ben. I’m not your sister, or a kid, or someone you shouldn’t touch. You can. I want you to.” 

Jesus fucking Christ.

Ben nearly swallows his tongue, but there’s still an ongoing battle going on in his brain between the part of him that touched her and the part that remembers when she finally got hips. 

He wants to let her go, but he also knows that if he does she’ll take it as rejection, and that’s something that would hurt him just as badly. Instead, he brings his hand up and places it back to where it was, around her waist. 

“Let’s sleep, ok? We’ll… talk about it tomorrow.” 

Rey presses her lips together unhappily. 

“No. You’ll avoid the conversation, Ben, and this needs to happen. Is it that I’m not pretty enough?” 

Horrified, Ben sputters out a no. 

“Well then, am I not your type?” 

Again, Ben forces out a no. Objectively, she’s the prettiest girl he knows.

“Is it my age?” 

“A little,” Ben admits. Rey accepts this. 

“Do you just… not see yourself ever liking me that way?” Rey whispers, and when he doesn’t answer, she continues. “I can wait for you, Ben. I will. I don’t want anybody else.” 

He doesn’t say it, but he doesn’t want anyone else, either. 

It’s an odd feeling, knowing you’re meant to be with someone but not knowing how to get there. 

“You shouldn’t wait for someone to like you back,” Ben mumbles instead, avoiding the question. Rey shrugs as much as she can in her position, her shoulders far more relaxed than they’d been at the start of the conversation. 

“You’re worth waiting for.” 

It’s a phrase that catches in his heart. 

Ben doesn’t have a good response to that, so he just sighs and bids her goodnight. 

“By the end of the summer, you’ll be swooning over me,” Rey promises, and that’s the last thing he hears before falling asleep with his best friend in his arms. 

Chapter Text

It starts small. 

At first, it’s just bidding Ben adieu with a kiss on the cheek. It leaves him burning, Rey looking cheeky in his wake. Then she adds long hugs to the kisses; then the kisses grow closer and closer to the corner of his mouth. She invites him to her apartment building’s swimming pool, and the heat is so excruciating he accepts despite knowing she must have something up her sleeve. When he meets her at the pool, she’s wearing the tiniest red bikini, letting him look at her tanned skin without restriction. He’s so hard he has to insist he should shower first before getting in the pool, as is the etiquette. 

Then she steals one of his shirts, and one day when he swings by her place he finds her in panties and said shirt making a cake just because. His shirt is huge on her, but she makes him aware of the underwear by bending down every ten minutes to pick up something or other. She flirts back with the cashier from Starbucks, making Ben snap out his own name when the man asks one for the cup. She starts wearing low necklines and incredibly short shorts. Twice he falls asleep watching a movie with her, and he finds her laying her head on his lap both times, facing his crotch. Rey even makes him accompany her to an OBGYN so she can get an IUD; he blushes wildly throughout the appointment, and can’t even deny it when the doctor refers to him as her boyfriend. She asks him to pick her up from Luke’s after every shift, and bullies her way into his apartment every chance she has. She visits Kaydel’s tattoo parlor (where Ben is working during the summer as an assistant) whenever she has free time, even insisting on being there when Ben drafts a sketch and has Kaydel tattoo it across half his back and the back of his arm; it’s simple, just an imitation of someone having brushed streaks of black and red on it. Rey loves it and insists on being there when he gets a thick black line flanked by two thinner ones to its left; it runs from the outer side of his right forearm to the back of his ear. 

And Ben? He lets her. 

He’s surprised to find he doesn’t mind, not even when she jokingly pinches his ass or cuts off the hot water while he’s showering so he has to stomp outside in a measly towel and ask her to turn the heater back on. He looks forward to her next scheme, to watching her declare through her actions that she likes him enough to be a little crazy. It’s true that up to the beginning of the summer he’d never seen her that way, but slipping into romantic feelings is as easy as breathing, just like befriending her was. Somehow, when one day he’s jokingly covering his lips so she can’t steal another kiss, he finds himself thinking he wouldn’t actually mind it; he didn’t the first time, either, but he thinks he’d even look forward to a second one. The feeling stays with him, burning brighter with every day that goes by. 

So, two weeks before both start up school again, he goes out on a limb and asks Rey out. 

She’s smug, is the only way he can describe her reaction. As if she knew it really was only a matter of time; he also thinks she looks a little relieved, because it’s only through his sheer stubbornness that he held out two months of her increasingly forward attacks. 

Their first date is, on Rey’s demand, at the auto cinema. 

Ben parks in reverse so the trunk is facing the screen, and he brings out all the pillows and blankets he thinks are appropriate to make a fort in the back of his car. He buys Rey popcorn with extra butter as well as Skittles, and he gets a hotdog (he was going to get nachos, but Rey made a face that reminded him she doesn’t like cheddar cheese and if he’s hoping to kiss her tonight he better not taste like it) with a Hershey’s bar. No drinks for them, because in the last few years their bladders have shrunk to the size of an almond and neither wants to spend the whole date peeing. 

When the movie starts, Rey positions Ben so she’s leaning back against his chest, comfortably sat between his legs. When the movie comes on, Ben groans; he’d let Rey get the tickets (after nearly getting his head bitten off) and now he’s going to have to sit through her drooling over Chris Pine in The Princess Diaries 2. Rey, however, wiggles in excitement; she waxes poetry over the actor any time the name is brought up, and Ben is only too aware of the vast difference in looks between the two of them. 

They don’t speak throughout the movie, enraptured as Rey is by the male lead; she only acknowledges Ben’s existence by feeding him small portions of popcorn and stealing from his chocolate. He rests his chin on her head, silently admiring Anne Hathaway’s beauty. He doesn’t dare say it out loud, though; he’d made that mistake three weeks back and had been forced to admit to a pissed off Rey, blushing fiercely, that he found her prettier than the actress. This was true, but also highly hypocritical given how she was gushing over the Chris dude. 

“You better not be looking at Anne Hathaway’s boobs,” Rey murmurs, as if reading his mind. He says he wasn’t (he was) and instead tightens his arms around her. “Liar.”

Ben kisses the spot behind her ear, and even if he can’t see her he knows she’s smiling. Neither has mastered the art of being mad at the other. 

When the movie ends, Rey turns slightly in Ben’s arms and blinks innocently. 

“You know, I made cookies,” she says, because for all his efforts of teaching her to cook the only thing Rey learned was how to bake desserts. 

“Really?” Ben asks, raising an eyebrow as if this surprises him. She gives him a serious nod. 

“Yes, and I thought you’d want to take Will some back,” Rey says, talking about Ben’s roommate. He realized he didn’t want to shoulder rent by himself this summer, so he’d found Will (some guy in the business department) to split the cost. 

“I’m not sure Will likes cookies,” Ben mumbles, looking between Rey’s eyes and her lips. 

“Ben?” 

“Hm?” 

“Take me home,” she whispers, leaning forward to kiss his cheek. 

Heart pounding, Ben helps Rey get off from the back of the car and into his passenger seat; he cleans up the trunk, hops into the driver’s seat, and off they go. 

On the way to Rey’s apartment, the two chatter about the movie. Rey insists that a third one must be made, and Ben says they would’ve been fine with just the first one. In reply, Rey turns the music up —they listen to Ed Sheeran the whole way back, to Ben’s dismay. He thinks the man is overrated, and Rey usually skips over his songs to appease him, but today’s not one of those days. It gives him ammo though, so they start bickering about their musical tastes: Rey maintains Ben’s are depressing, while Ben huffs that she shares favorite songs with five year olds. Both statements are true, and eventually the two are just snorting at each other and settling on ABBA, their middle ground. What? Ben’s a fan of Mamma Mia. 

Ben hums Dancing Queen as he parks in Rey’s spot in the underground lot; she doesn’t have a car yet, so he’s the only one who uses it, but she bought it along with the apartment knowing she’d eventually get a car. So far, with how Ben drives her everywhere, she’s been dragging her feet at the thought of going to the car dealerships. Just from her driving lessons she’s found that it’s not nearly as fun to drive when you spend time from one traffic jam to the other. 

When he shuts off the ignition, he’s quick to get out and open Rey’s door for her; with time, she learned to appreciate the gesture for the kindness it was, and now waits patiently for Ben to get her door every time. She knows it pleases him when she lets him do things for her. 

When they’re sitting down at the kitchen table, Ben sees that Rey didn’t lie about making cookies; they’re chocolate chip, his favorite (and also the only acceptable kind). 

He groans when he bites into his first one. 

“This is delicious, Rey,” Ben says, already picking up the second one. “I’m not sharing.” 

She laughs. 

“I knew that. These are yours,” she says, her smile widening when his eyes light up.   

“No one…” Ben clears his throat, swallowing down a chunk of chocolate. He looks down at the plate, not wanting to see her eyes for this confession. “No one’s ever cooked for me, you know, unless they’re being paid.” 

It’s why he learned how to make food; Threepio wasn’t always available, and his parents have had their crazy schedules for as long as Ben can remember. They used to leave money on the table for takeout, but when he turned twelve and he’d started packing on a few pounds, he realized he needed to cook for himself. 

“I’ll cook something for you anytime you want, Ben,” Rey promises softly, her hand reaching across the table and softly laying on top of his unoccupied one. He looks up, and her eyes are filled with the warmth he’s lacked a lifetime. “So long as you don’t mind charcoal.” 

They laugh, the charged moment diffusing. 

“I’ll always eat whatever you make,” Ben swears, and inwardly knows that if it’s burnt to a crisp he’ll have to throw it up later. It’s worth it, because the one thing he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself for is hurting Rey’s feelings. 

“I’ll hold you to that,” Rey smirks, letting go of his hand. She stands up, and he watches her stretch as he wolfs down another cookie. He might not have a sweet tooth, but cookies are his weak spot. “I’m gonna go change while you finish these up.”

Ben doesn’t think twice about what she says, too focused on calculating whether he can stuff himself with two or three more cookies before feeling like he’s made a mistake. He hears her tinkling laugh as she walks away. 

The minutes go by, and having Rey’s routine memorized by heart Ben realizes she’s taking too long to come out. Wiping the crumbs off his pants, he walks the short distance to Rey’s bedroom —only to find her in that shirt of his, evidently without a bra and no pants. She’s on her belly, elbows holding her up, hair loose, her favorite Stephen Hawking book between her hands, lying horizontal and perched on the end of the bed. 

“Rey.”

He startles her, making her jump a little and look up at where he’s leaning against the doorway. Her eyes widen, and quickly she shuts the book and assumes what she must think is a sexy position. 

Ben howls with laughter.

“Did you forget you were gonna seduce me?” he wheezes, catching in the air the pillow Rey hurls his way. 

“Keep laughing and it’s not gonna happen, mate,” Rey snaps, and despite the warning he doubles over to continue letting out his amusement, giving small steps towards the bed to reach Rey. She scrambles to press herself against the headboard, crossing her arms over her chest with a frown. 

His laughter dies down, seeing how she looks as if she’s gonna start crying any moment. 

“Rey? Talk to me.” 

He sits down at her feet. She has her knees pressed against her chest, the shirt big enough on her to allow for this position with said knees still below the fabric. She looks even funnier, but he doesn’t dare laugh anymore. 

“I just…” Rey’s breath hitches, and he loses whatever amusement lingered. “I feel so stupid. You finally asked me out on a date, and I just had to choose the movie with Chris Pine on it so I couldn’t flirt with you throughout it, and cookies make you happier than I do, and then I try to look sexy but get fucking sidetracked by my book and —why are you laughing, Ben Solo?” Rey wails. 

He can’t help it, so he leans his forehead against her knees while he recovers his composure, letting his hands clasp around her ankles. When his laughter dies down again, he looks up and rests his chin against her knees. Thankfully, her rage with him made the tears dry up. 

“Rey,” he says, schooling his face into a serious expression when his lips threaten to twitch. “You think cookies make me happier than you?”

Stubbornly, she says nothing, just bites down painfully on her bottom lip. 

“Rey.”

“I feel inadequate, alright?” Rey snaps, scowl deepening. “I’m just a stupid kid trying to use what little boobs and ass I have to attract the only guy I’ve ever wanted, and I can’t even do that successfully. You could have anyone you want, but here I am using my position as your best friend to gain the advantage. I suck.” 

Tears do slip past her defenses this time, and Ben is quick to wipe them away with his thumbs. His palms linger, and he scoots closer to hold her face in his hands. 

“If you weren’t my best friend, you wouldn’t even know me enough to like me,” Ben reminds her softly, tenderly. He lets his thumb press against her lips. “And contrary to what you believe, your little plan just now was a success.” 

Rey’s lips tremble.

“But you’re not hard,” she mumbles, so low he thinks he could’ve imagined it. When she blushes, he knows he didn’t. He rolls his eyes. 

“You think I’d stay hard while you’re like this?” Her eyes flicker sideways, as if that’s indeed what she thought would happen. Rolling his eyes again, he sighs. “Fine. I promise next time you cry I’ll try to feel you up.” 

“Thank you,” she croaks out, making him chuckle and flick her forehead. “Ow!” 

He leans forward, kisses it better. 

Ben can’t hear her breathe, so he leans back enough to gauge her expression. Her eyes are wide and trained on his lips. 

“Can I kiss you?”

Rey nods her head so excitedly he can’t help but smile, the warmth rising from his heart threatening to overwhelm him. 

“Close your eyes,” he whispers, and it’s only a second before she obeys. 

Their second kiss is loud in the silence of the room, their breaths mingling. Rey’s lips taste like the chapstick she obsessively wears, and Ben’s like chocolate. He lightly touches her knees, and wordlessly she parts them to allow him to fit against her. His hands lower to clasp her waist, tugging her a little lower so he can deepen the kiss. 

It’s everything Rey thought it would be. It’s more. Again, no fireworks —but her ears are ringing, and when she starts feeling very lightheaded she realizes she needs to breathe. When she gasps for breath Ben takes the opportunity to suck her tongue into his mouth, settling his hips tighter against hers. He starts trailing wet kisses down her neck, letting his hands rustle her shirt as he moves his hands up higher. 

When he finds she’s not wearing panties, he bucks his erection against her, making her gasp and dig her fingers into his hair. 

“Ben!” 

He moans in response, separating from her neck in order to settle wild eyes on hers. 

“I need you to tell me how far you want to go today,” he gasps out, biting his lip in a way that nearly makes Rey lose her train of thought.

She wants this too much, though. 

“All the way.”

Ben groans. 

He crawls back a little, tugging Rey down by her hips so she’s lying her head on the pillow. Her legs are parted, fingers tangled in his hair, mouth open in pleasure as Ben kisses the hollow between her collarbones and cups her ass with his hands. Gasping, Rey brings her hands down to grip Ben’s shirt and pull it up, wordlessly telling him to take it off. 

“Pants, too,” Rey breathes as he pulls back and chucks off the offending t-shirt. 

“Not yet,” he chokes out, knowing if he does he’ll let himself get swept away. Instead, he lifts the shirt covering her, then presses a hand against his growing erection when he sees her pussy. “Fuck, Rey.” 

Without taking it off, Ben sweeps down and tucks his head below the shirt, keeping it as cover as he makes his way up to her tits. They’re small, like he thought, but the way she whimpers when he sucks around one areola makes him decide it’s how he prefers them. 

He can’t even look up to see her, obscured as he is by the shirt, but he feels Rey wrap her arms around his shoulders and scratch through the fabric. In surprise, he bucks his hips against the mattress and pinches her other nipple, making her cry out and moan. 

“Ben,” Rey sighs, trying to see him through the gap in the collar but finding only his inky locks. His fingers make their way down, reaching to cup between her legs; the heat there is nearly unbearable, and Rey can feel how she’s already pulsing with desire, heart in her throat. Ben starts snaking downwards, leaving a trail of spit and kisses as he reaches her bellybutton. It quivers with excitement, nearly spasming when she feels his hands on her inner thighs, thumbs right where her ass meets her legs. 

“Oh God, don’t look,” Rey suddenly says miserably, hiding her face with her hands. His fingers tighten, and feeling his breath on her cunt, she hears him ask why. “I don’t… I didn’t shave, I didn’t think… And I’m in no way smooth like some Barbie down there, there’s hair all the way down to my ass and that’s not sexy, Ben!”

Her wail is heartfelt, but this just seems to amuse her best friend. He presses a kiss to her hipbone, but she can feel the smile in it, making her huff. She starts struggling to buck him off when he grips her thighs with an iron clasp, his face emerging from underneath the shirt and making her lift her head to meet his gaze. He looks serious, for someone who was just smiling. 

“You think I’d want a visual reminder that you’re underage?” Ben asks her, and when she just sets her jaw (not about to remind him again that she’s not only emancipated but will be eighteen in a few months), he rolls his eyes. “Rey, this isn’t a porno. I don’t care about how much hair you’ve got down here, and no power on earth would make me wax or bleach my asshole, so no way would I ask or want that of you.”

“But you don’t think it’s pretty,” Rey whimpers, and this time, Ben does bark out a surprised laugh. His eyes crinkle at the corners, and Rey refuses to think he looks handsome when he’s in the middle of making fun of her.

“Rey, pussies aren’t nice to look at,” he laughs, wondering if someone genuinely thinks genitals are works of art. Whenever he looks at his dick in the mirror, he just squints his eyes and glares, trying to find something attractive about it. He’s yet to discover it. “You are, though, which is why I was trying to go down on you. But, I don’t have to, if you don’t wanna.”

But he really wants to. 

“I want to know how it feels like,” Rey finally whispers, relaxing bit by bit, his almost-compliment ringing in her ears pleasantly.

He doesn’t question her further, and proceeds to dip his head and let his tongue make contact with her clit.  

The first thought that hits Rey is, He’s done this before. Of course he has, being twenty-one and the most attractive man she knows, but it still feels staggering to know. She wonders when this happened; if it had been before they met (though she doubts it) or during his time at college. It makes something in her heart twinge, knowing that she’s not his first everything as he is hers, but the thought quickly leaves her once his moan’s vibration makes her stomach twitch. 

“Ben!” Rey gasps, craning her neck to get a better look at him. All she sees is his hair, as always, but then his tongue dips a little lower and his thumb replaces it on her clit and she’s a goner. 

Rey has never been one for masturbation. Not only has there never been any privacy where she’s lived, but the few times she’d tried it she’d found it frustratingly lacking. As Ben dips one finger inside her (which truth be told, already feels like a little much), she realizes that what she’d been lacking had been the heart-pounding feeling of someone else’s touch. It’s not the same when it’s your own hand, your brain all too aware that it’s you who’s doing it and what you’ll do next. With another person, there’s no such reassurance. She discovers in real time what he plans to do to her, and his warm touch on her hips or breath on her belly is electrifying and intense. 

It’s no wonder he wrenches out her first orgasm in three minutes flat. 

“Did you just…?” Ben lifts his head just enough to make eye contact with her. His eyes are so dark that Rey can’t see the pupil, but she can certainly see the agonized look that crosses his face as he plants a kiss on her hipbone, looking as if she’s just surprised the bejesus out of him. “Fuck, Rey, that’s so sexy.”

It is? She wants to ask, but doesn’t. His eyes say it all.

It might as well be the sexiest thing he’s ever seen. 

It sets her blood on fire. 

“Another one?” He asks in a husky voice, and unabashedly, Rey bites her lower lip and with hooded eyes nods once. 

He scrapes his tongue flat over her core, the sound he wrenches from her making him dig deeper with a moan of his own. Her shirt’s bunched up enough that it allows her to dig her fingers into his hair, whimpering his name when he sets a grueling place against her clit that makes her back bow. Her orgasm is slower to arrive this time, and the intensity doesn’t arrest her the way the first one had, but she rides it out for longer, her soul ballooning out of her body. By the time she’s recovered, Ben is holding himself over her on his elbows, noses aligned and looking like the sun rises and sets on her eyes. 

“Hi,” Ben whispers, leaning down to press a chaste kiss against her lips. 

“Hi,” Rey whispers back, thinking that she’d have thought she would be able to taste herself on his lips. She hadn’t, but that was alright; it would have mortified her to taste herself and find she tastes funky. “I’m having a hard time coming to terms with your sexual prowess,” Rey continues casually, making Ben flush a funny shade of red. 

This delights her. 

“I don’t —that’s not —Christ Rey, the things you say,” he squeezes his eyes shut tightly, breathing deeply. His erection is pressing against her leg, and it does nothing to quell the fire inside her. “I don’t have sexual prowess. I just want to make your first time good.”

The sincerity in his voice is evident, but it brings forth another matter. 

“It’s not your first time as well?” Rey asks in a small voice, so small and unlike her that Ben’s eyes snap open to make contact with hers. He gauges her face, trying to get a read on her mood; for once, it’s surprisingly void of the answers he’s trying to find. 

“It’s not,” he says cautiously, and when she doesn’t throw him off of her, his shoulders relax minutely and he continues, knowing she wants to know. She’s not the kind to believe ignorance is bliss. “I… lost it during New Years freshman year of college. I tried seeing if things could go somewhere with the girl, but we both figured we were better off friends.”  

“What’s her name?” Rey asks softly, fearful of knowing who it is. If it’s Paige Tico, she’ll lock herself in the bathroom right now —never mind that she rung in that holiday with the older girl. 

“… Jannah.” Ben says reluctantly, and he sees her eyes flash with recognition. The two girls had met briefly during the gallery exhibit, and Jannah had been perfectly nice; Rey can see it in her mind’s eye, the beautiful dark-skinned girl with the curls and the curves, and she has to fight herself not to keep comparing them. Ben’s here with her, now. 

“Thank you for telling me,” Rey whispers, reaching up to cup his cheek. She knows it’s not a comfortable conversation to have, especially not in the middle of mind-blowing sex, but if not now then when? She swipes her thumb across his cheekbone. “No one else?”

He shakes his head easily enough, the tension finally lost in his body. 

“No, and I got tested afterwards. I’m clean.” 

She sighs in relief, not even knowing this worried her until he said that. 

Trying to salvage some of the mood, she forces her lips into a small smirk. 

“So you’re just a natural at this?” She asks, and he rolls his eyes so hard she’s worried he’s seen his brain for a moment. 

“No, just really invested in you,” Ben grunts, and it’s such an honest answer that Rey rewards him by slipping her hands under his shirt and tugging it up; he helps her slip it off, and then she’s flipping him over with her hips on his and her lips are running a trail down his jaw. 

He settles his hands on her waist, disbelieving of how quickly he’s again regained his erection.

Rey lets her fingers linger on what she can see of his tattoos, sucking a kiss on top of his heart, right above his left nipple. She slips her hand a little lower, letting herself finally touch his abs; her breath hitches, and she rocks her hips against his. 

“Rey,” he breathes out, letting his hands fall down to her legs. They’re a mile long, and the next time he wants to spend an hour kissing them. 

“You’re so hot,” Rey mumbles, craning her neck down to kiss his ribs. “Hottest man I know, and you’re mine.”

Her words make him clench, his heart race, and before they know it he’s flipped them over again and is devouring her mouth as his hands work off his jeans and then her shirt. 

“Do you want me to wear a condom?” Ben groans against her lips, rocking his shaft against her outer lips. She parts her legs as far as they’ll go, rocking back. 

“I did not suffer through that IUD so you’d wear a condom our first time,” Rey says vehemently, making him preen at the thought that it really had been for him that she’d gone through that. He knows it’s for her safety too, logically, but it’s not so far fetched for him to reason maybe she thought he’d like to do it without one, and it’s staggering to think she loves and trust him enough to make such a decision about her body. She trusts him when he says he’s clean, and she loves him enough to do this with only one safety net in place. Knows they’ll get through anything together. 

“You’re perfect,” Ben settles on, grabbing the base of his cock and finding her entrance. He lets his head sink in, kissing her when she winces. He might not be porn-huge, but he is proportional to his height, and in contrast Rey is tiny. He feels like his dick just entered a furnace, but it’s the best kind of heat and tightness he’s ever felt; maybe he was wrong, and cunts are beautiful. Rey’s is, at least. He inches further inside, his kiss deepening in apology when she scratches his shoulders. When he stops to ask if she’s ok, she says to just keep going —so he does, and the feeling is nearly too much. She’s too small, so half an inch stays outside even when he hits her depths. 

“I can take all of you,” Rey breathes, and the words are enough to make him snap his hips and find that yes, she can stretch that much. 

Fuck. 

He rocks his hips against hers in a slow rhythm, letting her get used to the stretch and making himself not come on the spot. She feels too good, and for a moment he can’t believe he’s defiling the girl who fought off his bullies and whose dreams were far grander than his would ever be. Then he opens his eyes and finds such a look of love and longing and wonder on her face that —he’s —well, all those thoughts fly away. Rey deserves good things, and if she wants him then she’ll have him. 

She’s everything. 

The sound of their skin slapping together and their lungs fighting for air becomes the cacophony Ben wants to wake up to for the rest of his life, feeling dirty but needy as he whispers in her ear that he wants to fuck her until his breath gives out. Her breath hitches, and when he slips his fingers between them and rubs tight circles over her clit her orgasm is quick to take her. He follows suit, moaning as he feels himself spill inside her, her cunt milking him until he’s empty and collapsed against her. 

“You’re fucking incredible,” Ben informs her as he slips out and rolls them over so she’s lying on his chest. She looks smug as she leans over him and kisses his cheek. 

“I am,” she nods, making him smirk as he cups her ass in one of his hands. “Also, sir, I think there’s something you ought to say to me, isn’t there?”

He makes a confused face. 

“Thanks for the sex?” 

Her glare makes him snort. 

“You think you’re cute, but you’re not,” Rey lies. 

He fights back a smile, holding a hand up to brush her hair out of her eyes. 

“Rey,” he says, the hand slipping down to cradle the back of her neck. His eyes lose the teasing, but not the warmth. “I love you.” 

The smile she returns is so otherworldly he draws it that very night. 

Chapter Text

When Rey tells Finn that she and Ben had sex, once they meet up on the first day of their senior year of high school, Finn nearly chokes. Rose, who’s sitting next to her boyfriend playing a game on her phone, abruptly turns it off to start cheering. She doesn’t even try to help said boyfriend survive.

“Finally!” Rose squeals, nearly vibrating in her seat as she leans forward on her elbows, resting her chin on her hands. She bats her eyes cutely. “Tell us everything.”

“No,” Finn shakes his head adamantly, his brows set in a fierce scowl as he lets out the last coughs. “I’ve never wanted to know about Rey’s sex life.” 

Rose snorts, having fun at her boyfriend’s expense.

“Well, she’s never had one. Now she does, so we have to know everything. Was it good? Was he.. you know. Actually, don’t answer that, I know the answer already. Did he—”

“Rose!” Rey stops her friend, blushing the fiercest shade of red she’s capable of. “I’m absolutely not going to tell you anything about that.”

Rose whines, and Finn lets out a breath of relief. 

“But I tell you everything!” Rose complains, and her boyfriend shoots her such a scandalized look that she has to roll her eyes and amend her statement. “Alright, nearly everything.”

“Yes, and I’m glad you feel comfortable doing that, but I’d literally die before discussing my sex life with anyone,” Rey gives her a pointed look. 

Huffing, Rose leans back against her chair. They’re at the cafeteria, their lunch hour nearly gone already. 

“But,” Rey says, fighting to contain her smile. She feels like the Cheshire Cat, only a moment away from letting her smugness out. “I can tell you it was… good.”

Perfect, really, but Rey’s never been one for bragging. 

“Girl, it was so much better than good,” Rose teases, but her smile is so genuine that Rey can’t find it in herself to be outraged. “I’m glad you finally managed to get together with him.”

“Even if I still don’t get it,” Finn mutters, his eternal plight. He’s got a long memory (read: he’s resentful), and the only reason why he accepts Ben (not that it’s his life or anything) is that he knows just how much the older boy’s done for Rey. When the two girls glare at him, he defensively hunches his shoulders in on himself. “What? It’s true.” 

Rey rolls her eyes, not bothering to remind her friend that not because it’s true he should say it. There’s such a thing called a filter. 

Still, Rey doesn’t begrudge her friend’s honesty, and she knows another time she’ll find it in herself to address it. She might not mind his honesty, but she doesn’t like him speaking badly of the boy she loves, especially when he doesn’t deserve it. 

“Anyway,” Rose says, giving her boyfriend a look that says they’ll speak about this interaction later. “Are you two dating now?” 

Rey pauses her fiddling with the heap of trash in front of her, thinking. 

They didn’t say anything of the sort. The last two weeks were spent with Ben sleeping at her apartment every other night, and they did say they loved each other, but neither of them mentioned anything about a relationship. It seems obvious that they are, but Rey wonders if it would bother Ben; if it’s not something he wants, or if it’s a given. She’s never managed to get a straight answer out of him on the topic of girlfriends. 

“I don’t know,” Rey admits, a slight frown forming already. “We haven’t talked about it, and I don’t want to assume.” 

Finn raises an eyebrow, halting his silent fight with his own girlfriend. 

“Rey, you haven’t talked about it?” Finn purses his lips together, pinning his best friend with a straightforward look. “That stuff is important to you.” 

It is, so she knows why it’s such a big deal that they haven’t. Rey’s not the type to be ok with a vague relationship, and it means a lot to her to know that she and Ben are committed with each other —especially given that she does not know his stance on it. What if he’s not monogamous, but hasn’t said anything because he’s never been in a relationship? What if he’s ashamed of having a seventeen-year-old high school girlfriend? What if he said he loved her but meant it as friends? What if—

“Congrats, Finn, you worried her,” Rose deadpans, shooting her boyfriend a glare. He makes a face that indicates he finds himself faultless, and Rey manages to snap herself out of it a bit. “Rey, don’t listen to him. I’m sure it’s just that he thought it was a given, as did you.”

That’s true. Rey didn’t think to define something she found as natural as breathing, and the way he hugged her did speak of a level of love that was above friendship. 

All she needs is to talk to him. 

“Hold on,” Rey mutters, bringing out her phone and texting Ben. 

Hi u. Got a minute today? —Rey

He’s never been quick to answer, but right now he’s in between classes so she knows he takes this break to check his messages. Like she thought, he takes only a few seconds to get back to her. 

Hey. Of course. Want me to pick you up from school? —Ben

Today she’s got tutoring, so she usually gets out at around five and swings by the grocery store for supplies. She’s teaching a new freshman though, so she thinks today it’ll be a short session. 

Please. 4 ok? —Rey

He sends the thumbs up emoji, and that’s that. Satisfied, Rey puts her phone away, catching the look that Finn and Rey are sharing across from her. 

“What?”

“Nothing,” Rose shrugs, and her smile is kind. “Just thinking it’s nice to see you so head over heels.”

When Rey gets out of tutoring (the new kid, Jackie, is a hoot —she’s genuinely had Rey laughing her ass off for the twenty minutes they met) Ben is waiting for her in the parking lot, in what used to be his old spot. It’s one of those rare instances where he doesn’t step out to get her door, but she knows it’s likely because he’s not paying attention. 

When she opens the passenger door she finds she’s right —he’s hunched over his phone, fiddling with it. She’s about to say something to make it seem like she doesn’t care about how intensely he’s looking at his phone, and how curious she is that it’s someone of the female variety he’s invested in, but the second he hears the door open he hastily shuts off his phone and looks at her with that crooked smile that takes her breath away.

“Hey,” he says, and she fights to have her stomach not do a somersault at the warmth she sees in his eyes. 

“Hi,” she chirps back, placing her backpack at her feet and leaning back against the seat. She notices he looks expectant, hand placed over the stick and body leaned towards her, and she lets a smirk form on her lips. “Were you expecting a hello kiss?” 

He tries to fight it, but the blush is evident around the tips of his ears as he turns to face the front. It melts her heart, and she doesn’t let him lie before she’s leaning to the side and planting a kiss on his shoulder; he’s wearing a t-shirt, so she can see his forearm twitch. 

“You’re mean, did you know that?” Ben pouts, turning back to face her. He chuckles when he sees her self-satisfied smile, throwing his car in reverse and backing out of the spot without another word. “Where to, my lady?”

“Can you take me to the grocery store?” Rey asks this while unplugging his phone and connecting hers, both of them knowing who has the final say over the car’s music. 

“Sure,” Ben bobs his head, shifting gears and crawling his way out of the school. He’s always been especially careful in parking lots, aware of how easy it is to encounter someone distracted strolling around. “Not that I don’t love being your personal chauffeur, Rey,” he says sarcastically, but they both know he’s full of shit because he does love it. “But when are you getting a car?” 

Rey makes a face. 

“I’ve been thinking of a bike, actually. It might help me get out of traffic.” 

The moment she says it, Ben throws her a furious look sideways.

“No fucking way, Rey. Those are deathtraps,” he scowls, turning on his directional and switching lanes to the right for the exit. “There’s no way you’re getting a bike,” he emphasizes, and if she didn’t know what a sweetheart he is she’d feel scared of his expression. 

As it is, her shoulders tighten and she narrows her eyes.

“Are you trying to tell me what to do?” 

He lets out a deep sigh, throwing her a dirty look as if saying ‘You know that’s not what this is’. 

“I’m trying to tell you I happen to like you breathing,” Ben says drily, eyes on his mirrors as he takes the exit. “You’re free to make that choice. Just know that if I’m protective already, I’d reach new heights if you got a motorcycle —and I’d be happily annoying if it meant you were safe.”

He does make a good point. Still. 

“Sure, but that doesn’t give you a right to give me orders, Ben. I can and do take care of myself. So while I appreciate you worrying, it’s enough to give me your opinion. I’ll get a bike if I want, or I don’t know, bungee jump off a bridge, whatever. It’s my life, not yours.” 

Ben’s jaw works, and she sees the twitch beneath his eye that kicks up whenever he’s getting upset. His nostrils flare, and it’s then that Rey realizes he’s struggling to contain his temper; he doesn’t have fits of anger anymore, hasn’t for nearly two years, and for a moment she worries how he’ll react now. Back then, none of his anger had ever been directed towards her. Now, it’s clearly because of her. 

She’s going to break the awkward silence when they reach the supermarket. Her own irritation dissipates a little when she sees that instead of dropping her off and leaving, or stewing in anger in the car, he immediately gets off the car to open her door like always. She silently thanks him, tells him a few of the things she needs, and together they make their way inside. Like they always do when he helps her get the groceries, they divide and conquer: Ben usually takes over the fresh produce while Rey handles the non-perishables. The list is short anyway, so in less than half an hour they’re back in the car with the bags loaded in the trunk. 

And yet, Ben still doesn’t talk. Rey’s not used to this —being what upset him, so she doesn’t know what to do. By the time they get to her apartment building and park, just as she’s getting the courage to speak up, he turns off the ignition and once more gets her door before heading to the trunk and hauling out the grocery bags. Rey’s getting so upset she can’t even marvel at how his muscles flex with the effort. 

Silently, they make their way to her apartment; she opens the door for them, and Ben trails after her to place everything on her kitchen counter. Instead of immediately starting to put away stuff, like usual, he stuffs his hands in his front pockets and sighs. 

“I’m gonna head home, alright? Hit the gym.” 

Pure hot anger mixes with fear —that he’s leaving her. 

“What, we disagree so you’re gonna skip? What the hell, Ben?” Rey snaps, and is about to continue when he fixes her with a glare of his own. He’s angry, yes, but he also looks hurt. It’s what makes the words dry up in her mouth. As he speaks, he gets his hands out of his pockets and starts grasping his hair in his long fingers.  

“I’m not leaving, Rey, I’m trying to not fucking snap. I am fucking angry, and I don’t want to be, so I’m going to go burn it off at the gym.” 

Her mouth falls open, even as something small sighs in relief in the back of her mind. 

“You’re angry? I’m the one who—”

“Who apparently doesn’t give two shits about humoring me once,” Ben snaps back, and Rey is so shocked by him talking to her this way her mouth snaps shut. It takes the wind out of him, too. “I could’ve expressed myself better, that’s true. But you know me, Rey, and yet you jumped at me like I’m some authoritarian dick. Not once have I made a choice for you, and what’s more, you know what a big deal it is to me that you’re safe. Even worse is that you brushed it off like some brat who thinks their actions don’t affect others. It’s not just your life. It’s yours, and everyone’s who loves you. For fuck’s sake Rey, maybe you are too young for me if you can’t see that.”

He’s heaving by the end of his rant, but even more than that it’s the fact that he looks crushed by his own words. His hands fall to his sides, and he takes a step back as if all his energy just got zapped. 

She bites her lip so hard she’s pretty sure she broke through skin. She wants to cry, but she feels as if doing so will give more proof to his statement. Ben reaches to pinch the bridge of his nose with one hand while the other rests on his hip as if he’s trying to push off a migraine. 

“I’ll head out before I say something I can’t take back,” Ben mumbles, and without casting her a look he turns around and stiffly walks out of her apartment. 

The moment he’s closed the front door behind him, Rey can’t help but float over to the couch and collapse on it face down. The tears leak. 

Ben’s angry with her. Ben Solo is angry with her. 

She honestly thought she’d never see the day. 

After crying herself out for a solid hour, Rey decides to call for reinforcements in the shape of Finn and Rose. Both are quick to answer, being together when the call comes through, and they get to her place in record time for users of public transport. They come bearing gifts: vanilla ice cream from Rose’s fridge and Finn’s gaming console. 

Through sobs, Rey tells them what transpired only hours prior. By the end of her tale, both of her friends are consoling her with comforting shushes and feeding her what remains of the ice cream tub. As soon as her tears dry up though, it’s Finn who lays the harsh truth on her. 

“You’re both stubborn,” Finn says, and Rose nods along for good measure. “And you were right to make sure he knew you make your own decisions, but…” he looks to his girlfriend for support, and she takes over for him. 

“You’re also kind of like a bull, girl,” Rose says with a shrug. “I’d also be hurt if Finn made me feel like he ignores my worries, more so when it’s about my safety. And not to be brutal Rey, but I have been thinking… Ben, he does so much for you. He’s always doing things to make you happy, but you…”

That’s when Rose’s courage dries off and Rey’s stomach drops like a stone. 

She feels cold all over. 

“But I never do anything for him.” Rey knows that’s not what Ben meant when he said she never humors him, but it’s still something that shakes her up. “Oh my God. I’m selfish.” 

“No,” Finn rushes to reassure her. “You’re not. But maybe this was the kind of thing he expected from you, and when you didn’t give it to him, it made him insecure.”

Rey sniffles.

“What thing?”

Gently, Finn nabs the last spoonful of ice cream and gives her a kind smile. 

“Your trust.” 

The next day, when she gets back from Luke’s and is dragging her tired feet down the corridor she finds a figure sitting back against her door, knees hugged to their chest and hands clutching legs. Rey doesn’t have to wonder for long before she sees it’s Ben, looking like death warmed over. The moment he hears footsteps coming down the hall his head snaps in her direction, and when he sees it’s her she sees him let out a breath of relief as he rushes to stand up. 

“Rey,” he breathes out, releasing an ‘oomph’ when she runs full force and crashes against him in a crushing hug. Immediately his arms snake around her. 

“I hate fighting with you,” she says, and even though her words are muffled against his chest he can understand her, which she knows from feeling his effusive nods. 

“Me too,” he says, and she feels his lips press against the crown of her head. “Can we talk?”

Normally, those words would be dreaded. With his arms around her and his lips still touching her though, Rey knows that things will be ok: they do need to talk, and it will not be the end of them. 

She lets him go and opens her apartment door, and it occurs to her then he has the key to her place. He could’ve let himself in and ambushed her, but instead he waited outside until she allowed it. When she thinks about it, the only time he’s ever overstepped was the night she kissed him —and if he hadn’t barged into her place, she’d never have allowed him back in, possibly ending their friendship. 

With that in mind, Rey turns around quickly and fixes Ben with a look, holding a hand up when he attempts to say something. 

“First of all, please never leave in the middle of a fight again,” Rey says, and though she wants to seem tough her voice breaks. Ben had once told her she wasn’t fearless, just brave; the same is still true today. “I can’t fix something by myself. Neither can you.” 

Ben frowns. 

“I didn’t want to say something I couldn’t take back, Rey. I was trying to protect you from myself.” 

Rey shakes her head. 

“While I appreciate the thought, it sucks, Ben. And honestly, you’re allowed to get angry, but I also don’t think people say things they don’t mean when they’re angry. If you don’t want to say something mean, you just don’t —doesn’t matter how upset you are. I’d like us to always treat each other with respect, and I think we can do it. Don’t you?” 

Ben flushes in shame, and he presses his lips together. 

“I did step out of line yesterday. I’m sorry about that.” 

Rey loses some of the tension in her shoulders. 

“Thank you, and… you’re forgiven,” Rey mumbles, crossing her arms over her chest. It’s her turn now. “Also, it’s been… drawn to my attention that I may have blown things out of proportion.”

Ben doesn’t look triumphant, like someone might when being told they’re right. If anything, he’s expectant —he knows she has more to say. 

“I trust you with my life, Ben, I do. But I just hate so much being told what to do that I forgot who it was coming from and with what intentions. So, while I can’t promise to always do what you want… I promise to listen.” 

His eyes look peaceful, but he’s also aware there’s one more thing she has to say. It’s weird sometimes how well they know each other. 

“And, well… On another note, I want to start taking care of you too. There’s just so much you do for me Ben, and I want you to know how deeply I appreciate it.”

At this, he rolls his eyes. 

“Rey, you’ve given me so much. You were my first real friend, brought people into my life, gave me someone to give a shit about… You’re on my side, Rey. I haven’t asked for more because there’s nothing I want or need.” 

His words warm her to her core. 

Feigning indifference, Rey drops her arms and gives a nonchalant shrug. 

“I was going to suggest the first order of business be cuddling, but since you don’t need it…” 

Switch flipped, Ben hurls forward, bends down to grab her by the ankles and carries her like a sack of potatoes to bed; she’s laughing as he dumps her down, takes off their shoes and drops on the bed to hug her to his chest, face tucked into his neck. His arms grip her tightly, a thigh wedged firmly between her legs as he breathes her in. Ben loves cuddling, and as someone who’s been so starved for touch it’s something that Rey both loves and has a hard time receiving. She usually ends up wiggling out after ten minutes, but for him, she can try. 

For Ben, she can do anything. 

Listening to the sound of his steady breathing, she finds herself drifting off into a peaceful sleep. 

Chapter Text

When Rey wakes up, she finds herself still held tightly to the man she loves. 

It is a testament to how intensely she’d missed him (in less than twenty-four hours), since usually she ends up wiggling away from him during the night. Not on purpose, but as a by-product of her upbringing. Now, waking up with Ben’s limbs trapping her, she is beyond happy that she managed to tame her unconscious self for the night. 

She lets herself just be for some ten minutes, just contemplating the warmth and size of her boyfriend (confirmation pending). Rey forgets most of the time how lanky he used to be when they met, and though it’s true that she would still love him even if he didn’t have those abs, something primal inside of her feels smug about snatching such a strong man. Not many people make her feel as small as her boyfriend does, and she’s all too aware of this as she feels his arms tighten a fraction every time she teasingly tries to break free. 

Eventually, he wakes up. 

“Morning,” she hears a raspy voice, and beaming, Rey wiggles up so she’s eye to eye with him, leaning forward to press a quick peck on his lips. Ben might not have terrible morning breath, but she always does and hates putting him through that. 

“Morning Mr. Solo,” Rey chirps, as always the more lucid one of the two after waking up. 

“What time is it?” Ben rumbles, not even deigning yet to open his eyes. Instead, he just curls even closer to Rey. If he could, he’d meld their bodies together, Rey’s sure. It’s how much he loves her.

“Nearly seven,” Rey says, fighting back a yawn. “Do you have classes today?” 

He shakes his head. 

“Good. Then I’m skipping mine,” Rey chirps merrily, and at this, Ben snaps his eyes open, the disapproving look already in them. “No no, before you say anything, it’s not like I’ll make a habit out of it. And I was planning on skipping anyway, since the first week is just syllabus stuff, you know?” 

He does know, but it’s still a terrible idea. 

“Rey…” He croaks out, feeling like a terrible influence on her young and impressionable mind. He’s got anger management issues, but he’s not reckless. 

“Come on, you sexy beast,” Rey teases, smacking a kiss on each of his cheeks before sitting up. “I’m making pancakes.”

Once, the very concept of Rey cooking would have alarmed Ben into wakefulness; she’s come along so far, however, that even as she bounces away he lets himself take a moment to pee, brush his teeth (obviously he’s had a toothbrush at Rey’s place ever since she got the place) and even check his texts. There’s one from his mother asking how he is, and another from Kaydel saying he can start working part time at the shop come Monday. All of this barely permeates through Ben, who is only ever awake after nine in the morning. 

When he stumbles into the kitchen, he finds Rey shaking her shoulders to the song in her head as she flips a pancake. He knows this is the part where he finds his girlfriend irrevocable cute, but truthfully he just finds her hilarious; her shoulders are all stiff, and since there’s no music the only beat she’s dancing to is her own. Thankfully, nothing smells burnt despite the dance session. 

“Hey sleepyhead,” Rey smiles over her shoulder as she watches Ben reach her; he snakes his arms around her waist and leans his cheek on top of her head, breathing in deep. Rey must feel him growing heavier against her (it’s surprising how quickly the man can fall asleep) because she asks him to set the table and bring out the fruit. 

Without answering, Ben does as told, dropping a kiss on her shoulder or head every time he walks past her. When he does, Rey feels her heart grow even bigger and lighter, to the point where she giggles to herself. He casts her a curious look, bringing out the ground coffee and milk (she doesn’t drink coffee, but always keeps some for him). 

“What?” 

His eyes look just a little more alert, and he hip checks her as he grabs the French press and starts boiling the water. 

“Nothing,” she says cheekily. “Just thinking about how cute you are.” 

This earns her such a deep scowl that she snorts, as always finding hilarious men’s aversion to the adjective. 

“I’ve always meant for my girlfriend to find me cute,” Ben mutters under his breath, not noticing how Rey’s breath seems to stop. Thankfully, there’s no pancake on the frying pan or else it would have burnt to a crisp with how long it takes Rey to react. Ben feels her stare on the side of his face, and he finally turns to her with a quizzical look. Her eyes look misty. “Rey?”

She sniffles, turning off the knob for the hotplate she’s using. 

“Sorry, it’s just… I wasn’t sure if I was your girlfriend,” Rey manages to get out, and it’s impossible even for her to ignore the almost outraged look that crosses Ben’s face. 

“What the fuck, Rey? What did you think you were, my fuck buddy?” Ben asks, motioning to the two of them: having breakfast at seven in the morning, in sweatpants, after making up. “Seriously, after telling you I love you?”

Sheepishly, Rey shrugs. 

“I mean, we hadn’t defined it…"

Ben rolls his eyes hard enough to see where he left his last functioning neuron. 

“I cannot stress enough how ridiculous you are,” Ben says, and before Rey can (weakly) retort, Ben cups her face in his hands and plants a hard kiss on her lips. “Rey, will you be my girlfriend?” 

And even though he was just rolling his eyes at her and calling her ridiculous, Rey doesn’t hesitate to give him an effusive yes and assaulting him with a barrage of small pecks. 

When they’re done preparing breakfast, Rey sits down in front of her plate —only to be sat on by her giant of a boyfriend. 

“Ben!” Rey screeches, feeling how her legs are starting to fall asleep already. He might be all muscle, but he’s still heavy. She hits his back indignantly. “Get off!”  

She’s giggling too much to be taken seriously though, and when he moves his butt just right she finds she can take his weight much better. He’s sitting sideways, his left arm around Rey’s shoulders as he grabs a piece of papaya and shoves it in his mouth. 

“You’re…” Perfect, Rey wants to say, wrapping her arms around his waist. “Heavy. Also, give me some.” 

Winking at her, Ben grabs a piece and offers it to her. 

When Rey complains about her legs losing even more blood, Ben finally acquiesces and switches their spots, apparently not yet ready to let her go now that she’s allowing his clinginess. They feed each other breakfast like the saps they are, then wash and dry the dishes. 

Much to Ben’s joy, Rey corners him against the kitchen counter —out of seemingly nowhere, she yanks his head closer and starts kissing him, tasting of sleep and pancakes and orange juice. He returns the kiss, nibbling on her bottom lip and moaning when her hands grab the waistband of sweatpants, the cold skin on his making his abdomen spasm. Rey smiles against him before dropping to her knees, giving him a naughty look as she lets the pants drop to the ground. 

Ben can’t even pretend he’s not delighted, burying his hands in her hair. 

“Rey.”

She’s only done it one other time, last week, but it seems as though the single occasion improved her skills exponentially. Ben is sure of this because when she cradles his balls at the same time as she dips her tongue into the slit of his cock, he nearly comes. He knows she’s smug from the way her lips curl into a smile around him, how she flattens her tongue and runs over the vein on his shaft, pulling away until only the head is in her mouth. He wants to burn this image in his mind —Rey, on her knees, with his cock in her mouth and her eyes on his. 

All throughout it, he’s chanting her name like it’s the only prayer he knows. 

Fuck, he loves her. 

She almost gags when he comes, and the sound is enough of a turn on that he swears he hasn’t come this much since he discovered jerking off. 

Rey is smiling as she pulls away, rubbing away the semen from the corner of her lip. She looks so perfect like that, Ben can’t help but hoist her up like a sack of potatoes and carry her to the bedroom, where he very unceremoniously drops her. 

She’s giggling as he hovers over her, arching her back when he tugs her pants and panties off in the same trip and leaves kisses from her bellybutton to her mound. She has her fingers buried in his hair, sighing his name as he sucks on her clit and slips two fingers inside. 

“Ben,” she whimpers, her hands going to his ears and rubbing just like she knows he likes it. He groans, and the vibration on her clit makes her clench around his fingers. He does it again, and again, until he’s wrung out an orgasm from her. He would have aimed for another one if not for the way she suddenly flips over onto her elbows and knees, looking at him over her shoulder and wiggling her ass. 

"What’re you waiting for?" Rey manages to ask before getting her breath cut off —the sharp movement of Ben pushing inside her making the words die in her mouth. 

Neither is particularly verbal during sex —there’s hardly ever any expletives, usually only the other’s name being breathed out— but Rey feels like she must make an exception when Ben grabs her wrists and uses them as leverage to pound into her. 

"Oh, fuck Ben!" Rey heaves out, arching her back so the angle of his cock hits just a little deeper. "Harder!"

Ever so obedient, Ben does as told. 

"Fuck you feel good, Rey," Ben moans, letting his left hand palm her ass as he drills into her. "I swear, if I could I’d fuck you all day." At his words, Rey clenches down on him hard, making him stutter in his pace. "You’d like that, wouldn’t you? For me to live in your pussy, filling you up all day with my cum?"

"Yes!" Rey chants over and over, the very image burning in her retinas and making her walls flutter around him. He switches from grabbing her ass to rubbing her clit, and the sensory overload is too much. Rey screams as she comes, heart pounding in her ears as her orgasm washes over her in hard waves; she feels it when Ben spurts his seed inside of her, cursing and thrusting the last few drops of him inside of her. 

When Ben collapses on top of her, Rey can’t find it in herself to care she has a hard time breathing. His weight on top of her is reassuring, but definitely much nicer when he slips both hands over her hips and flips them so they’re on their sides, his dick nearly soft as it slides almost all the way out. 

"I didn’t know you like dirty talk," Ben mutters, switching his arms so he’s hugging her to his chest. Rey huddles closer, feeling very vulnerable for some reason. 

"I didn’t know you know how to talk dirty," Rey retorts without heat, simply thankful to know their kinks aligned. They’re silent for a few seconds before Rey continues, following her own trail of thought. "If you ever ask me to call you daddy or try to finger me in public, I will dye your hair blond. And it will not be a good look for you."

Ben chuckles, kissing the top of her head. Thankfully, he agrees with her on both accounts. 

"I guess you should know baby talk or trying to stick something up my ass would be a sure fire way of my erection dying off." When Rey laughs in agreement, Ben realizes he has more in his no-go list. "Also, I’m never sharing you with anyone, in any shape or form. And I’m never calling you any degrading names. If you ever ask for any of that be prepared to get your eyebrows shaved off in your sleep."

Rey wiggles against him, making the last of his cock slip out. In return, Ben snuggles her even tighter, and she has to admit to herself she could see herself becoming dependent on cuddling if her partner is Ben. 

"Agreed. Pinky promise?"

She holds out said pinky, and knowing he’s being childish, he replies solemnly as he hooks his pinky with hers. 

"Pinky promise."

One month after officially defining their relationship, Ben decides to go home for the first time in nearly three years. 

He convinces Rey of coming with him for the grand event, only to end up changing his mind on the very day and instead asking her to be on call. He has to do this by himself, Ben explains; no shields, no third party to take the heat. He also doesn’t want Rey to see who he can become in front of his parents, more so since he isn’t sure how he’s going to react. If they’ve changed at all, what he’ll do. He can’t stand to think of Rey thinking any less of him. 

It’s the final week of September, and the reason why Ben decides it’s a good moment is because his mother’s birthday is the 25th; he goes the previous day, since that’s when Leia rests up for the festivities. Being a senator comes with its fair share of social activities, birthdays included. He picks up Leia’s favorite flowers (red geraniums) and even wears a long sleeved shirt to hide his tattoos. 

He looks presentable, he thinks. 

Driving home in his piece of junk (but a classic, Rey insists with dreamy eyes) he contemplates the passing trees and unchanging roads; it’s incredible how little things have deigned to change since the years he’s come home, but also how relieving it feels. It feels as if maybe things will be better this time around. 

Rey calls when he’s five minutes away from his house, and he picks up after putting the phone on speaker. 

“Hey Sunshine.” 

The whole pet name thing had been a struggle; Ben refused to call Rey ‘baby’ and she felt weird about having a mature pet name for him, saying she wasn’t really a pet name kind of girlfriend. When she saw that Ben was actually kind of looking forward to being called something special, she promised to look into something that called to her.  

“Hey Hugs McGee.” 

Unfortunately, the webpage that Rey landed on had the most ridiculous list of pet names for your boyfriend, and Rey is committed to trying out all of them. Yesterday, he was Cutie Patootie, and he suspects that she had a special affinity for that one. 

“Did you arrive safely?” Rey continues, ignoring the groan/snort from her boyfriend at the pet name. 

“Just about. Sorry I dropped you from the plan, sweetheart. I just…”

“I understand,” Rey promises, and he can hear it in her voice that she really does. “I was actually wondering if you’ll crash here tonight.” 

Despite how often he spent the night at Rey’s place during the summer, once school started again Ben made a point of it not to go over more than once a week. He still wants to spend all of his time there, but they both know if he goes more frequently it’ll be a distraction to their education —and really, neither has time during the school week for sleepovers. Ben even had to help Rey buy a car (nothing to write home about, just a small blue sedan at a good price) so that she could keep driving herself to and from places, since this semester isn’t looking good for Ben when it comes to workload. He feels safer knowing she’s driving herself, and not stuck waiting for the last bus or trying to catch an Uber. Rey also appreciates him not being such a worrywart all the time, although they do make a habit out of telling each other when they’ve arrived at school, work or home. It’s nice, knowing someone cares where you are. 

“I’m thinking yes. I’ll probably need a pick-me-up after whatever happens today,” Ben says, and both of them know exactly what he means.

Cuddling. 

“Everything will be ok,” Rey promises, and the amount of conviction in her voice is nearly enough to make him cry. “And even if it’s not, I’m here.” 

That’s all he’s ever wanted, truly. 

“I’m home. I love you.”

He can hear the smile in her voice.

“Love you too, Boo.”

When Ben walks into his house, it’s much warmer than he thought he’d find it. 

Usually, Threepio was too much of a cheapskate to turn the AC on until the very moment Ben stepped into the house, so he was used to the air being too warm during the summer and too cold during the colder months. It wasn’t a big deal, but it always served to remind him that no one was home. 

As he makes his way further inside the house, he finds he hears voices growing louder and louder. First he makes out Han’s, then Leia’s; there’s a voice that sounds suspiciously like Lando’s, and it’s entirely possible the other voice is Luke’s. Ben can’t hear him, but he’s sure his father’s best friend Chewie is in there. 

He makes out his father’s laughter, followed by what seems like his mother chastising him for the sarcasm. Same old, same old. He feels a bit pissed off, irrationally —as though he expected his parents to suddenly become shadows of their past selves if they couldn’t get in touch with their son. It’s unfair, because when he left he didn’t want to hurt them: he wanted to startle them into changing. 

The moment Ben steps foot inside the living room, the first one to stop laughing is Luke. His jaw drops, pulling Lando and Chewie to see what’s going on. When the two mimic Skywalker’s reaction, it makes Han and Leia turn around to see what’s the matter. 

“Ben,” Leia gasps, taking in her son. He’s a little bit taller, a lot broader, and he seems to own the features that were once a little out of place on his face. He looks handsome, and most importantly, he doesn’t look angry.

It makes her run to him and crash into a fierce hug. 

Han is a little slower, but he’s quick to set down his whiskey on the nearest table and huddle over to his wife and son. He doesn’t hug Ben, but he places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes tightly. 

“Happy birthday, mom,” Ben mumbles, having managed to save the flowers from being crushed. 

“Oh, let me see you,” Leia fuzzes, leaning back and raising her arms so she’s cradling his face, helped along by him hunching over. “You look so handsome, baby. Han, doesn’t he look just dashing?” 

“Yeah,” Han coughs, ever the emotionally-constipated man. Ben chances a glance at him, and even if he can see how hard it is for him to get words out, Han does mean it. 

Ben blushes. 

“Well look who decided to show up!” Uncle Lando laughs, holding up his own glass of scotch in greeting. “Welcome home, boy.” 

Welcome home. 

Ben mingles with everyone for half an hour, pointedly ignoring his uncle, and only moves to the terrace with Han and Leia when the two start making eyes at him that clearly said they needed to talk. Leia very graciously tells his trio of uncles to talk amongst themselves, and then hauls Ben and Han to the open air. 

“We’ve missed you,” Leia says as soon as they’re alone, where she guides everyone to sit scattered between the garden table and the bench. Ben sits by himself while his parents take the garden chairs.  

Ben knows this already, even if at the same time a part of him is reluctant to believe her. So many years have gone by with only the occasional text from his mother, not to mention the previous years of abandonment. 

“I know,” Ben says, because it wouldn’t be truthful of him to say he’s missed them too. They never had enough of a presence in his life for him to feel the hole left behind by cutting them out; if he’s here, it’s because of him. Not them. 

“How’ve you been, kid?” Han says after the pregnant pause following Ben’s statement; his eyes seem to rake over his son from head to toe, from how he stands taller to the muscles filling his shirt and jeans. “You look good.” 

“Very handsome,” Leia is quick to agree, as if forgetting she was the woman who suggested he grow his hair out to hide his ears.  

Whatever. 

“Thanks. I took up exercise in college,” Ben explains, not even bothering to mention how this isn’t exactly true, since he did like running when he was in high school. Not that anyone would’ve believed him with how lanky he was. 

“How… How’s school going?” Leia asks, unable to help her eyes from flickering over him again. 

“Good. Top of my art classes,” Ben says with a small shrug, knowing that it’s not as if his parents will care. “I’ve had a few exhibits already.” 

Han’s mouth is quick to quirk up into a smug smile. 

“That’s my boy,” Han says, not even registering Ben’s look of surprise. “You gotta invite us to the next one, kid. We’ll be front row.” 

Ben opens and shuts his mouth, unsure of what to say. Whether he should be angry that now they’re pretending to care; that if they’d cared, they’d know there were no rows. His mother must see the look in his eye, because she’s quick to jump in. 

“Luke tells us you’ve got a girlfriend. Rey, is it? Is it true she works for Luke?” 

Stiffly, Ben nods. 

“Part-time. You’d love her, both of you. She’s the best mechanic I know, but she’s looking to major in astrophysics.” 

“Oh? Is she from college?” Leia asks, eyes bright. His mother isn’t one who cares about titles, but rather about what each person has achieved for themselves; a fortune is meaningless, while hard work is everything.

“No,” Ben blinks rapidly to stop himself from rolling his eyes. “You met her, mom. She was here that day you two were off fixing choppers and bills instead of at my graduation ceremony.” 

He can’t help the biting remark, and he watches with a small degree of satisfaction as his two parents flinch. Leia bites down on her lip, furrowing her brow as she recalls. 

“But…” Leia suddenly sputters, letting go of her lip. “She’s so much younger than you, isn’t she? Is she even eighteen, Ben?” 

He sighs. 

“She will be right after my birthday. She’s also emancipated.”

“Still, kid, what if—” Han begins, but Ben’s look is so cutting that the words die in his mouth. 

“She’s been my friend all this time. We only started dating less than two months ago. You can either be supportive or I can leave.” 

The threat hangs too real, because he’s done it before. 

He’ll do it again. 

His parents exchange a look, and it’s Han who sighs and puts his palms up as if in surrender. 

“Look kid, your mother and I have been meaning to talk to you. I know—” Han interrupts Ben’s next furious argument. “—we haven’t gone visit you, but that’s because we thought that… Well,  it was our turn to wait for you to come home. We just want to explain ourselves, for whatever that’s worth. Please.” 

Ben analyzes his parents for a moment, taking in their hopeful looks and weathered faces. Perhaps they didn’t deserve another chance to redeem themselves, but… 

Maybe Ben did. 

For thirty minutes, Han Solo and Leia Organa poured their heart out. Being too abandoned themselves to know what present parents were like, trying their best to shine in the eyes of their son. How neither of them knew how to relate to a child whose interests were so unlike their own, and that Han had given up on bonding when the only ways he knew how to didn’t work out. That whenever Ben got in trouble they thought he was asking for attention, and decided they wouldn’t give it so he’d know that wasn’t the way to ask for things. How when the fights subsided and Threepio only reported Ben staying in his room all day, they stopped asking —figuring they’d weathered the storm. That missing Ben’s graduation had been an honest mistake, but that had ensured Leia fired the one responsible; that they’d pace outside his bedroom night after night wondering how to apologize, and then he was gone and didn’t come back. That Han figured not contacting Ben was better, since they always fought anyway, and he couldn’t bear another fight. 

That they missed him everyday, and both of them (not just Leia) had been going to family therapy to see where they’d gone wrong. 

That they’d love another chance to prove themselves. 

By the end of it, Ben was silent and heartbroken: so many misunderstandings, so much hurt, so much pain. 

He inhaled and exhaled, shaking his head. 

“Why didn’t any of you just ask me?” Ben breathes out, closing his eyes tightly as if not wanting to see his parents. “Why do you… You don’t even get why I was angry. Am.” 

At their silence, Ben takes another deep breath in and opens his eyes. 

“I’ve been angry since I could remember. All I wanted was parents to hug me goodnight, and I didn’t get that. I wanted to be your priority, but I took the backseat to your careers. Then I took a backseat to Luke, who could nearly push me into traffic and be forgiven as if my own mother would forgive anyone who killed me. So yeah, my anger grew, and then it choked me and neither of you gave a shit. I did get into fights to get your attention, but what do you think happened when I didn’t get it? Did you think I suddenly did not need you anymore?” 

His parents look pale, fearful, struck. 

Ben feels bile rise, but he can’t stop his words from coming out. 

“I started cutting myself. Just to see if anyone cared to notice, but obviously not. One day I cut too deep, and after fixing myself up I started going to a therapist. I’ve been going six years now, and even though I’m not perfectly fine, I can at least get by without pills now.” Ben swallows, refusing to see the tears in their eyes. “Rey’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, followed by art. And the two of you haven’t been supportive of either, so how can I trust you have my best interests at heart?” 

His left eye twitches with the strain not to cry, but it’s hard. He hasn’t felt this torn up inside since he started cutting himself. 

Another deep breath. 

He pins his parents with a tearful glare.    

His voice cracks. 

“Why couldn’t you just hug me goodnight?”

Chapter Text

Things are harder before they get better. 

After sobbing his heart out at Rey’s the day he went to his parents’ house, Ben limits their communication to asking if she’s gotten home safely and good morning texts. The first few days Rey is anxious, unable to shake the feeling that he’s pulling away; he’s withdrawn into himself, and Rey is so swamped with last-minute projects and college applications that she can’t even visit him to demand to be let in. It gets worse when he sends her a text at nearly one in the morning reading:

I’m sorry Sunshine. I don’t like myself a lot right now.  

In response, Rey calls him. She yells at him that she can’t help him if he won’t talk, and that he can’t expect to say things like that and not be followed up on. She reminds them of their earlier fight, where he promised not to avoid the problem. 

It’s different, he tells her. He’s just doing a lot of thinking, and a lot of painting, but she’ll be the first one to know when he’s ready to talk. He only marginally makes her feel better; she knows everyone has different processing methods, and while she’s the type to ask for help and cry to the person she loves, Ben went a whole while longer not doing either thing. To be fair, if it hadn’t been for him she wouldn’t have learned how to open up, either. 

It makes her heart ache, thinking that she’s not fit for helping him. That because she’s younger and foolish all she can do is take from him. 

By the end of the second week of poor communication and anxiety, Ben arrives at her place with pizza and a sunflower. He doesn’t apologize again, and instead they sit on her couch and Rey listens while Ben talks. 

He’d simply cried two weeks ago, but now he explains what went on. The explanations and excuses that were thrown around. How, after confessing his self-harming behavior, his mother wouldn’t stop crying. He’d never seen Leia Organa-Solo cry, and yet his mother had cried like her soul had been ripped out. He’d thought of a wounded animal, terribly sad and in need of care. He thinks that perhaps Leia had a flash of what could’ve been —her life without her son. 

Strangely, it’s that sound that made him forgive her. 

The knowledge that his mother’s world could begin and end with him... It was the statement of love he’d lacked his whole life. It healed a wound which had festered a long time ago, even if it’s not completely gone. 

Han, though. 

Ben doesn’t think he’ll ever be seen that way again by his father. Like he’s understood, indispensable, precious. While Leia bawled her eyes out, Han dropped to his knees and stretched up to cup his face with one hand. Like he’d have died to spare him this pain. 

And then his two parents hugged him. 

It’s this which had him reeling all this time. The knowledge that despite being fortunate enough to have both parents, having a roof over his head and food to eat... 

His family had never hugged him as if with their very souls. 

Being hugged twice in one day had been surprising. But the way his parents clung to him, it’s like they would have traveled back in time if they could have to mend their mistakes. 

Ben didn’t know it was possible to speak so much with no words. 

So when he got home, he painted. 

He painted his pain and his tears, his depression and anger and resentment. He poured everything out like he never had before. Purposefully, he’d never painted his parents —not wanting his own feelings reflected back at him. However, throughout every single painting he could feel his love for them —his need. 

No man is an island, they say. 

So Ben shares with Rey his most startling revelation of all: that it wasn’t him who’d failed his parents, but them who’d failed him. The three loved each other, but he wasn’t able to learn how to express this from the people who were meant to teach him. He’d thought for a long time he just wasn’t lovable, an idea which he started resisting when Rey told him she loved him. 

By the end of Ben’s story, he has his head on her lap and he’s looking up at her with blurry eyes, knowing Rey’s vision is just as blurry. He hopes she understands why he took so long to get here, and that she knows how much he appreciates knowing someone loved him when he wasn’t sure he loved himself. 

“Why didn’t you tell me all this before? I would’ve understood.” 

He knows she would have. 

Still, he shrugs helplessly. 

“It’s hard to ask for help when you don’t know you need it,” Ben admits quietly. “And if it’s hard thinking you’re not loved, it’s much worse saying it out loud.” 

Rey gets that fierce look on her face, one that he knows spells trouble in the best of ways.

“Well, you are, Ben Solo. And I’m going to prove it to you.” 

It turns out that, for Rey, proving her love means all kinds of gestures. 

Ben loves it. 

For Halloween, Rey dresses as his favorite female character from a cartoon, and she accompanies him to a college frat party. One day he gets out of class early and Rey is there waiting for him with a milkshake and a mouth full of chocolate, beaming as his eyes lock on hers. For his birthday, she knits him the most hideous blue sweater in existence, and he wears it any time he feels chilly. On Thanksgiving the two host a dinner with their friends at Rey’s place—Poe, Finn, Rose, Phasma, Hux and Paige. It’s the happiest dinner Ben’s ever had. Then for Christmas, when Ben agrees to go home on the condition that Luke not be there, Rey comes along and she gifts him the ugliest painting of himself he’s ever seen —and he loves it. 

Valentine’s Day she surprises him by sending Ben flowers to his classroom; he blushes and grins so hard that Hux snaps a picture and sends it to Rey, who already has it printed and framed by the time she gives him V-Day head. 

Ben knows he’s being wooed, and he never knew he’d love it so much. 

His good mood is palpable, he knows, because his classmates look a lot less scared of him than the previous years. He’s not all smiles or anything, but he supposes he exudes less existential crisis. He has another art exposition, and he pours his soul into a galaxy that he gifts Rey when she gets accepted into Chandrila U’s Aerospace Engineering program in early April. 

It is, objectively, the happiest he’s ever seen her. 

Ben loves it.   

No —he loves her. 

More than anything, he loves how happy they make each other. Hours spent with her feel like minutes, and the time spent drawing her is intoxicating. Sometimes, the two of them need time to themselves; Rey usually to sleep, and Ben for going to the gym. It still does wonders for his mood, and it’s important enough for him to be reluctant to miss even a day of his routine. Sometimes, Rey lets him cuddle her during nap time, or he invites her over to the gym; they usually avoid intruding on each other’s personal time, but it’s quite nice whenever they let themselves be a little clingier than usual. Ben usually hugs Rey so tightly she taps out with the excuse of going to the bathroom, and at the gym Rey has tripped on more than one occasion after running and watching him lift weights at the same time. 

So, both enjoy their time together. 

They have a very small fight around April, when Rey buys tickets to prom and insists Ben is going with her. He very adamantly replies he’s not, because not only does he have two left feet it’d be weird to have him be around a bunch of teenagers. Rey tries reminding him she’s one of the bunch, but it’s not enough to make him change his mind. He only changes his tune when, hearing their bickering, Finn offhandedly mentions the handful of guys who’d be glad for the opportunity to dance with the nearly-official prom queen.  

After that, Ben silently rents a tux. 

He has classes that Friday, but he manages to get out on time to pick Rey up from school and drive her back to her place. He thought she would’ve gotten ready with Rose, but apparently Paige was a nightmare last year (where Rey went stag) during prep time so this year Rey is just meeting them at the dance. Not that Ben minds. 

He sketches her while she gets ready. The way she sits in front of her vanity and opens her mouth as she puts on mascara, her hair piled on top in a mess he’s been promised will make sense soon. She forgoes the bra, knowing it isn’t necessary; she was going to wear the sexy thong, Rey says, but she forgot laundry day and now all she has is clean Star Trek panties with Chris Pine’s face plastered on the back. He’s learned not to be jealous, but only because she talks about the actor so damned much. He also witnessed her shave only a couple of inches above her ankle, his girlfriend swearing that nobody would notice. 

It’s not like he cares, really. 

Though to be fair, Rey has threatened him that if he’d had a hairy chest she’d have gifted him some hair-removal sessions. So, he doesn’t feel too bad when he reminds her to shave her pits by tugging on the grown hair. Rey does this too when his nose hair threatens to make an appearance.

He’s never claimed they’re perfect. 

Digressing. 

By the time Rey is done with the makeup on her first eye, she decides she needs a break. So, they eat cheese in their underwear. Then she needs another break when she’s done with the other eye, but this time they eat cereal. The process is slow, but neither is in any hurry to leave. Ben even tries sliding a hand up Rey’s bare thigh, but she clasps it with a steely eye and reminds him that she’s not about to ruin the makeup she worked so hard on. 

It’s a fair point, he supposes. He saw her painstakingly draw a line on her upper lids that somehow kept getting thicker and longer, until she gave up and asked him to do it for her. As a tattoo artist (in the making), he’s pretty precise, so it didn’t take him long to do as asked. She grumbled about his ability, stating that when they’re old and gray he’s in charge of her eyeliner.  

Still, he knows she’ll kill him if she has to go over that stress. 

So, he keeps his hands to himself. 

By the time Rey completes her look, Ben is also done changing into his suit. They meet each other as Ben emerges from the bathroom and Rey finishes slipping into her dress. 

Ben is stunned by his girlfriend. She’s wearing a deep blue ball gown; it’s simple, with a plunging neckline and the straps holding it up. Instead of the armhole also being circular, it plunges and lands at the same level of her neckline. Her hair is in an elaborate updo that lets him see her collarbones as well as the spaceship necklace he got her for her birthday. 

She’s beautiful. 

While Ben spends his time admiring Rey, she does the same for him. His hair looks flawless as always, and his thin tie matches her dress. His suit and shirt are black, and Rey suspects this is to hide the abundance of tattoos adorning his body. When he turns, she knows she’ll find his perfect ass and fall in love with it all over again.

She’s a very lucky woman who’ll be taking this man home tonight. 

“What if we just stay home tonight?” Ben blurts out as soon as his remaining brain cells remember each other. Rey can’t fight back a smile, even as she twirls once just to torture him. 

“Pumpkin I love you, but you suck at taking pictures and I did not work this hard to not get one,” Rey grins, her smile widening when she sees Ben shorten the distance between them in two long steps and place his hands on her hips.   

“But Sunshine,” Ben whines, his grip on her tightening. He knows she’s weak against that pet name, but she’s being honest about her reasoning and they’re running late. So, she grabs him by the tie and pulls him closer, so they’re resting their foreheads against each other’s. 

“I promise you’ll get to take this dress off of me as soon as we step through the front door,” Rey says softly, a mischievous smile threatening to slip out. 

But Ben, as always, one-ups her. 

He turns so he’s whispering in her ear, “No, I want to fuck you with it,” and officially killing his girlfriend. 

She whimpers. 

They really don’t have time for a quickie. 

“Oh my God Rey, you look amazing!” Rose squeals, ripping herself out of Finn’s arms and throwing herself at her best friend. Rey really does, and everyone knows that she’s going to get crowned prom queen tonight; Rose would be jealous if she didn’t know how much the title pained her best friend. 

Rose looks adorable too though, with her puffy pink dress and corsage on her wrist. 

Rey would’ve had one, but, well. 

Ben forgot. 

Nobody’s perfect, and to be honest Rey didn’t think it was all that important. 

Finn and Ben greet each other with the typical man-hug that’s expected of them, although Ben doesn’t even notice the younger boy size him up. To Finn, it seems like Ben gets bigger every time they meet; the filthy part that lives inside everyone wonders how Ben and Rey have sex with that much of a size difference, but Finn quickly pushes that thought aside with a blush. 

Still, maybe he’ll ask Rose about it later.

The party of four doesn’t even notice, but the whispers and stares surround them. Mostly about how the prettiest and most likable girl in their grade is looking incredible, but also because they’re wondering who her date is. They see a big guy with long hair and a weirdly hot face, but mostly they see a couple that is evidently stupidly in love. Everyone knew that the Rey Niima had a boyfriend, but nobody knew who it was. 

More importantly, as the night goes on nobody recognizes him; Ben’s classmates had been such grade-A dicks that none of the underclassmen had befriended them, and Ben is confident he’s changed enough that what pictures might have lingered of him in school bare no resemblance to him now. 

This helps loosen him up, and when Rey asks him to dance he finds himself saying yes. The grump inside of him wants to sit down and huff that he’ll wait at their table, but there’s a bigger part inside of him that knows what a big deal this is to Rey, and how much he’ll regret not having done this for her. He hates feeling like he’s doing something embarrassing, or like someone out there is laughing at him —but Rey dances so freely and joyfully that those silly insecurities slip into the back of his mind. Then Finn and Rose join in, and all of them are so tragically rhythmless that they don’t have a choice but to just dance. 

It’s the happiest Rey has ever seen her boyfriend, and it makes something warm and tingly run throughout her body. It makes her giggle madly, and when Ben gives her a quizzical look, she just boogies harder. 

He laughs, and something in Rey begs to make the wonderful sound repeat itself. So she grabs Rose and they wiggle their butt, then dance the Macarena to a song that has nothing to do with it, and go through all their repertoire of old moves. It’s worth it too Rey when she sees that Ben is laughing so hard he has to lean against Finn to get a hold of himself —she can stand looking silly if it makes him this happy. 

A good while into their funky dancing, the song switches to a slow ballad; sweating profusely, Rey lets Ben lead her, their hearts still beating strong in their chests. 

“Are you having fun?” Ben leans down to whisper in her ear, making Rey shiver. He gives her a twirl, and before she hides her face in his chest she gives him a bright smile. 

“So much, sweetie.” 

It’s the pet name Rey uses the most, though it was an accident. She kept calling him that ironically, and it stuck. Ben doesn’t mind it nearly as much as he did when she called him ‘Cutie patootie’ every other day. 

“I’m glad,” Ben mumbles into her hair, kissing the top of her head. He bends down a little further so he can whisper into her ear. “I love you more than life, you know that right? And someday, when we’re ready, we’ll be the family we never had.” 

Rey swallows hard. They’ve talked about this a little bit, and she knows what he means. 

“What if I’m never ready?” 

Rey has big dreams —maybe not of going to the moon, but of building big ships and commanding big men to do big things. She wants to be the mind behind a new era, and she wants to be the youngest to do so. She can do it, too. 

But when she conceived these dreams, Ben wasn’t there. And when they solidified, getting together was an even bigger dream. Now, it feels like she’ll be asked to give something up, when she’s always had so little. 

She knows what Ben wants: to be a tattoo artist, to paint in his free time, to marry her. Maybe have children and a house with the white picket fence. Rey is scared to ask if there is space for an ambitious astrophysicist in that future, but instead she’s simplified it down to ‘What if I don’t want to get married? What if I don’t want to have kids?’. Questions that don’t fully encompass how she feels. 

She knows there will never be anyone else for her, but it would gut her to push him into someone else’s arms. 

“A family comes in different ways,” Ben shrugs, not about to argue with her in the middle of a dance. “I just want you whichever way you’ll have me.” 

A lot of questions surface from this, things that are pressing and others that can wait a few more years. How he can be so sure of wanting something he’s never had, while she struggles to accept she can sacrifice small wishes for the good of the bigger ones. It’s a conversation they need to have, and one that time will tell how important it is for both. 

So, Rey simply snuggles closer. 

“I want you always.” 

By the time the couple makes it back to Rey’s apartment, the two of them are wiped out from dancing. As they expected, Rey was crowned prom queen while some guy called Thanisson was named prom king. The two of them shared a dispassionate dance, and then returned to their respective boyfriends so they could merrily continue with their evening. 

Afterwards, Ben and Finn were forced to take the girls’ picture together, apart, with funny poses, with loving poses, with everyone… the list went on. The worst part was Rey was so aware of how much Ben sucks at taking pictures that she vetoed every single pose before they were allowed onto the next one. To be fair, Ben thinks Rey looks good in every picture (except for the one where she laughed so hard she had a triple chin and a little spit was running down her lips). 

Rey loves one photo of the two of them so much she immediately sets it as her Facebook cover picture; the profile pic is the painting Ben had made of her for the gallery, and it’s remained the same for nearly a year already. Ben’s cover is of himself standing amid a gallery, while his profile is a picture Rose took of him and Rey at the park. Contrary to what people appeared to expect about them, it’s Ben who has made it his religion to post every picture of Rey on his feed (with him occasionally thrown in), while Rey mostly just reposts memes on her wall and tags Ben so he’ll see the funniest ones. 

Love in modern times. 

“My feet hurt so much,” Rey moans the second they’re at her place. She’d taken her heels off in Ben’s car, forcing her boyfriend to carry her up and into the apartment. 

Ben squeezes her thighs before letting go, allowing her to slide off. 

“Well, maybe next time you can leave some flats in my car like Rose did,” Ben suggests, turning around. Rey is frowning, evidently still pissed off about her lack of foresight and the betrayal from Rose not mentioning this brilliant plan to her bestie. 

“Don’t remind me,” Rey grumbles. She fixes her eyes on Ben’s tie, and in a moment of impatience grabs hold of it and pulls him down. Startled, he cocks his head to the side slightly in silent question, mouth gaping. “Didn’t you say you were gonna fuck me with my dress on?” 

Like a flip has been switched, Ben’s eyes darken even further. 

Rey doesn’t know who moves first or how it happens, but she suddenly finds herself on the couch straddling Ben and grinding down against his erection, her fingers laced through his hair as she bites down on his bottom lip. 

“Fuck, you feel so good, love,” Ben mumbles, hurriedly hiking her skirt up so he can bring their cores closer together. 

“Ben,” Rey whimpers, rocking against him for relief. She’s in the perfect position where her clit keeps rubbing against him, and just the thought of his cock inside her is enough to make her breath hitch and rock harder. “Please fuck me.” 

He nearly chokes on his own breath, but Ben manages to undo his belt and pants enough to release his erection, careful not to dislodge his girlfriend from his lap. 

“Have I told you how sexy you are?” Ben mumbles against her lips as he uses one hand to push her underwear aside and the other to guide himself inside. 

“Not today.”

“My mistake,” Ben says, giving her a bruising kiss at the same time he pushes inside her in one go. Rey cries out, and he uses the opportunity to push a thumb inside her mouth, bringing his lips closer to her ear. “You’re the sexiest woman alive, Rey. But what’s sexiest about you is how well you take my cock.”

Rey feels those words so intensely that she comes on the spot, grinding her clit against Ben’s pelvis. But he doesn’t let her ride it out, instead whispering filthier things as he rams up into her, bringing his hands to her ass so he can squeeze and feel his dick slip in and out of her. It makes Rey feel a little broken, very hot, but most of all like she’s made it. She’s found the holy grail of boyfriends, because he’s everything she ever wanted packaged in a big body with bigger ears and surmountable issues. 

She squeezes around him, enjoying how his hips stutter. 

“Shit.”

Ben comes inside her, making warmth bloom and spread. Sometimes they fall asleep with Ben still inside her, and it’s something Rey never thought she’d like so much. But it is; maybe it’s the animal inside her, or maybe it’s how much Ben enjoys it as well. 

“You’re keeping this dress handy,” Ben gruffly orders, and Rey finds herself simply giggling in agreement. 

A thought occurs to her, and she doesn’t filter herself enough to not say it.

“You know,” Rey begins innocently, which is always a bad sign. “Considering who I’m wearing on my underwear… Does this count as having a threesome with Chris Pine?”

Another man would have shoved Rey off of him, but not Ben. 

Nope. 

He just rips her panties off and walks them to her bedroom, apparently needing to remind his girlfriend who loves her most. 

And it’s not Chris Pine.

Chapter Text

“No way, I did not see that coming!” 

“He’s a lawyer now? But he was such a stoner.”

“Oh, who’s that? Was someone like that in our class?” 

Coruscant High School is pretty much the same as it has always been. There’s still never any toilet paper in the second stall of the girls’ restroom at the gym, the dip in the wood from the time Jacob White landed on his ass after climbing up the rope is still there, and the scuff marks from countless shoes still adorn the basketball court floor. The teachers at the reunion all look like they’d rather be anywhere else, and the alumni still wind up in the same cliques that they had ten years ago. There’s a banner reading ‘Wellcome graduate class of 2013!’, so everyone knows Casey Foreman still can’t spell. 

There’s music from their graduation year —it makes some nostalgic, while others feel like their ears will bleed if they hear Blurred Lines one more time. Their graduating class hadn’t been huge —sixty students total, and most of them brought partners or friends to tide them over. 

“Oh shit,” Snap mutters, hunching his shoulders in on himself and hiding behind his wife, Jas Wexley. “Honey, I need you to hide me.”

“What is it?” Jas frowns, nevertheless maintaining herself standing tall. She’s lithe and a couple of inches taller than her husband; thin where he’s chubby, straight blond hair where his is curly and brown. They’ve been together since college. 

“It’s… Well, it’s my ex, Bazine.”

Jas’s silver eyes harden, because she knows from Mr. and Mrs. Wexley’s stories just how mean their boy had become thanks to his ex-girlfriend. It had taken some time for Jas and Snap to get together, mostly because the man found it hard to not be a dick around other people. 

“If she tries talking to you, pretend you’re gonna faint,” Jas states, and her husband salutes. 

There’s no way he’ll do anything but. 

The Wexleys watch as a beautiful black-haired woman surveys the room from her spot by the punch, trying and failing to look uninterested. Beaumont Kin, Snap’s best friend since diapers, had warned him that Bazine had finalized her second divorce a month back and had told her friends she’d see about getting back together with Snap. 

Snap would rather crash head-first into a falling meteorite. 

“Who’s that?” Jas’s voice breaks him out of his reverie, and he focuses on where his wife is looking towards. 

It’s a huge hulk of a man, apparently tattooed from neck to toe; he has longish black hair, and is looking mighty uncomfortable next to a tall (but much smaller) brunette. He’s nursing a water bottle, and when Snap looks a little closer, he can see that the woman is massively pregnant. Like, maybe-triplets-pregnant, he thinks. 

That, or she’s hiding a watermelon. 

The man looks up for a moment, and that’s when Snap recognizes him. 

“No way,” Snap breathes, and starts tugging his wife madly as he stomps over to the couple. The moment their eyes meet, he can see his ex-classmate unfolding his hunched back and standing even taller. 

“Ben Solo!” Snap grins, and thankfully, it’s not loud enough to catch anyone else’s attention. When he looks a little closer at the pregnant woman, his eyes widen comically. “And is this… Rey Niima?” 

Rey flashes the two a brilliant smile. 

“Yes, that’s me, though I’ll be Rey Solo in a couple of months,” Rey says, a hand lowering to catch Ben’s in hers. “Sorry, I don’t remember most seniors…” 

Snap waves her off. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. Temmin Wexley, though everyone calls me Snap. This is my wife, Jas,” Snap motions to said woman, who gives another brilliant smile back. 

Rey sees Ben’s shoulders lose a little tension, but not all. 

“Nice to meet you both,” Rey says, squeezing Ben’s hand a little to get him to say anything. 

“Good to see you again, Snap,” Ben says, but it’s much too terse to be the truth. Despite this, Snap only smiles. 

“I gotta say Solo, you look ripped. Nearly didn’t recognize you, specially not with the tattoos. They’re cool man.” Snap’s smile widens, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “What’ve you been up to these days?”

Ben gives a short retelling of his career so far: how he graduated from art school and dedicated himself to opening a tattoo parlor, and on the side he uses his sequential illustration degree to work on a yet-to-be-released comic. Snap, on the other hand, has his own construction company; he learned the ropes from his father, and now they’re expanding the business as far as they can. Apparently, he and Jas have been married for three years now, going on four. When Snap shows curiosity about one of the school’s old prom queens, Rey reveals she got her degree in astrophysics and is in the process of handing in her thesis for a master’s in aeronautics and astronautics. 

“I would have been done sooner,” Rey complains, “but my morning sickness got so bad I could hardly hold my phone without getting cross-eyed.” 

Snap and Jas laugh. 

“When’s your baby due, if I may ask?” Jas asks, looking bright-eyed as always when the subject comes up. It makes something pang in Snap’s heart, because they’re in the process of looking into adoption, after Snap was confirmed sterile. 

“Oh, these two are only a month away,” Rey says, looking as pained as any woman pregnant with twins might look so close to giving birth. “Ava is an angel, but Noah is kicking my bladder every time I dare move.” Rey groans, as if exemplifying what she’s going through. “Actually, I think I need to head to the restroom.” 

“Oh, I’ll go with you.” Jas offers sweetly, ignoring her husband’s ribbing about needing to visit every restroom that crosses her path. 

Then the two men are alone, and Snap coughs once before looking away with a faint blush. 

“Uh, listen Ben… I just wanted to, you know, apologize. For before.”

Ben asks what he means. As far as he remembers, Wexley had never dumped toilet water on him, unlike other people. 

“Well, I didn’t speak up. I should have, but I never felt like it was my responsibility, ya know? But then I met Jas, and it turns out she was also bullied in high school, and I realized that it’s also very shitty to stand back and do nothing. So I just… Needed you to know, dude. I understand it changes nothing about what you went through, and that regretting it is useless now, but I hope when you leave here today you know… Some of us weren’t cruel, just dumb and immature. For whatever it’s worth.” 

For Ben, this apology comes from one of the people he least expected it from. He’d dreamt of making Pryde eat dust, of everyone who ever bothered him apologizing and begging for his forgiveness. Right now, as he looks at the aged face of his old classmate, Ben realizes that the ones he needed an apology from the most were the ones who stood by and did nothing. Those were always the one he hated the most; the ones who closed their eyes and shut their ears to reality, as if it would make Ben’s torture go away. He was always looking for someone in the crowd to save him, and it took a small girl braving through it to make him come alive. 

It was his fault —he shouldn’t have waited for anyone to save him. 

It was also the only thing he could think to do; with a non-existent self-esteem and no support at home, all Ben Solo could do was drift amid an ocean of indifference and cruelty. It was obvious no one knew to respect his worth, when even he did not know it. 

Ben decides to let go. 

“Thanks, Snap. It does mean something to me.”

Ben’s never been great with words, and he’s not about to start with a virtual stranger, but Snap looks quite satisfied with the development. It seems like it’s enough, for now. 

As the two men watch their partners hurry back, Snap claps Ben’s shoulder, almost as if he’s proud. 

“You know, I’m glad you seem happy, Solo. I never would’ve guessed you’d end up together with that little girl who defended you so fiercely from Enric.” 

Oh, that reminds him. 

“What became of him?” 

“Of Pryde?” Snap asks, still looking at his wife as she helps Rey wobble towards them. “Uh, he’s the principal now. He took over his dad a year back. They say he’s been flooded by rumors lately about fathering a small army of children from different women. But it’s all hearsay, anyway. I think I saw him around here.” 

Jas and Rey arrive, and the Wexleys smile a goodbye as they make their way to socialize with the rest of the ex-classmates. Ben takes his fiancée’s hand, moving them to a quieter corner with chairs. 

“How was it?” Rey asks, sighing in relief as she puts up her swollen legs over Ben’s lap. 

Ben purses his lips. 

“Better than I expected it would go, honestly. I was ready to demand an apology if need be,” he admits, leaning so he can put an arm around her shoulders. “He quickly said sorry. Said he was surprised, too, that we’re together.”

The two shrug. 

They don’t care. 

“How do you feel?” Rey asks, content as the two of them people-watch from their hidden spot. 

“Like I could’ve lived with not knowing,” Ben says. “But also glad to see that people change. Also a little embarrassed that I let these people decide my worth for me.” 

He says this while watching two guys rub their asses together as they pretend to dirty dance to some terrible song. 

Rey laughs, agreeing with his sentiment. 

“I’m glad you talked to Snap normally. You’re such a great guy, Ben. Any one of these fools would’ve been lucky to be your friend.” 

He fights the urge to blush, even after all these years being unused to genuine compliments. 

“Thanks, Sunshine,” Ben says, making her beam with pride at his progress. It’s been hard, getting him not to be self-deprecating at every turn, but countless of compliments and art awards have come a long way in building up his self-esteem over the years. 

“You know, looking at this reunion I’m wondering if I’ll want to go to mine. Everyone looks so… Hopeless.” 

Ben snorts.

“Well, you’re still in touch with all your friends, so I guess if you choose to go it's to keep up with your ex-classmates. Since your class got along so well it’d be fun for you, most likely.” 

Finn and Rose became quite the duo —Finn is a photographer, while Rose became a journalist. The two of them spend their time traveling around the world, only coming home every three months or so to water their cactus. After becoming the aunt to five children (five!) Rose decided she was in no way becoming a mother, and Finn didn’t care enough either way to change her mind. They’re not married either, and it doesn’t seem like it’s in their future plans; Rey only insists she would’ve wanted to see Rose in a wedding dress, but her best friend always argues she’d rather spend that money traveling. 

True enough.

Poe still lives with his parents, though not for lack of opportunity or desire to leave the nest. He’s a successful airline pilot, but he’s leeching off of his parents while he saves enough money to buy his own apartment. It seems like romance is still not in the cards for her friend, though every time Rey sees him she swears he gets more handsome. She can only imagine how much his female (and male) coworkers sigh every time he walks by. 

When Ben coughs, it brings her back to the present. 

“I’m glad Ava and Noah will have lots of friends,” Rey ponders out loud, wondering which of Paige’s children will be closest to them. She and Ben have had this conversation enough times that he already knows what she’s talking about. 

“I’m sure they will,” Ben nods to himself. He kisses the side of her head. “Wanna head out, Sunshine? We could swing by for some ice cream.”

It’s all she’s craved during the pregnancy, so obviously she says yes. 

He helps her to her feet, slowly but surely, and together they walk towards the exit while avoiding the whispers and stares that follow them. Ben never cared about any of them, and he doesn’t now as well. Perhaps a few recognize him, maybe others are just wondering who the tattooed dude with his arm around a pregnant woman is. 

So long as nobody tries touching Rey’s belly, he doesn’t care. 

“Ben Solo?” 

Ah, fuck. Just who he was trying to avoid. 

Losing any semblance of amicability, Ben turns around to find Enric Pryde in the flesh. 

It’s odd; whenever Ben imagined this moment, he thought he’d find his ex-classmate balding, perhaps with a beer belly, looking like he wanted to relive his glory days through whichever means possible. Instead, Ben finds a man who looks almost exactly like their teenage version, except with a different hairstyle and with a suit. He imagines Pryde still works out like crazy, though perhaps it’s just all the reproducing that keeps him fit. 

He sees Pryde assess him as well, from his bulked up figure to the beautiful woman on his arm. The works of art that adorn his body, the Omega watch on his wrist (a gift from an art collector who commissioned a couple of pieces for his mansion), the tailored suit he wears with the jacket hanging from his free arm and the shirt with sleeves rolled up. 

Ben, after all, has always known who Pryde is. 

He doesn’t even attempt a smile. 

“Pryde.”

“Well, well, it seems like you’ve done well for yourself,” Pryde’s sneer is unpleasant as ever, and his words make Ben wonder if this guy even remembers how loaded the Solo-Organa-Skywalker family has always been. Then Pryde’s eyes focus on Rey. “Very well, it seems. Looks like you two aren’t ‘just friends’ anymore.” 

Ben can feel his fiancée tensing from the dickish words, and before she can even spit out something venomous to the asshat Ben lets out the longest sigh accompanied by the hardest eye-roll. 

“Jesus Christ Enric, it’s been ten years since high school. Nobody cares anymore; we’ve got jobs and family and a sink to fix because it won’t stop leaking,” Ben says, and Rey can only think about just how much the leaking sink has been bothering him. She said she’d fix it, but the whole thing about having a humongous stomach has made it hard for her to even bend down to pick up her tools. Maybe she’ll finally let him call someone. “I don’t actually care what you’ve been up to, and I’m not here to show anyone anything. I just came to say hello to Mrs. Groff cause I heard she’s retiring. So, I’m glad you’ve got thirty children and a school to run, and that you aren’t balding like I thought you’d be, but that’s all I need to know about you. So goodbye and I hope I never see you again.”

Rey laughs at the face Pryde is making. 

“Also, fuck you.”

While Pryde gapes, Ben and Rey make a run for it. Well, more like wobble, but they’re laughing quite hard as they hear Pryde furiously calling them to come back.
They hop into the car and leave their old high school, thankful that part of their life is over. 

“I can’t believe you said all that to Pryde,” Rey laughs, leaning back into her seat as she opens the window. It’ll be at least thirty minutes until they get to their place, and she gets a little carsick if she doesn’t feel the wind on her face. 

“Well, that dick deserves it,” Ben shrugs, completely unrepentant. “You know what’s the worst part? How obvious it is that he’s still a bully. And how sad is that? He has so much time to care about other people it’s mind-blowing.”   

Rey laughs again, staring out the window as the interaction replays in her mind. 

“I remember how hard people found it to believe we were friends, and how much you cared people knew that we were absolutely not like that.”

Ben shrugs. 

“Dude, we met when you were fourteen. That would’ve been so wrong.” 

In retaliation, Rey slaps his shoulder. He knows she hates it when he calls her dude, but every once in a while he does it to tease her. The only reason he let up was that one day she spent the whole day calling him ‘girl’, and rejoicing in how he couldn’t take the same teasing.

Men. 

“I mean, yeah. But to be fair you and I were at the same emotional age —oh don’t give me that look, the tantrums you threw could’ve made a grown man flinch.” Rey rolls her eyes at the dirty look he throws her, unrepentant. They both know it to be true. “Speaking of, it’s a shame that the sci-fi festival got cancelled this year.” 

Last year had been such a shit-storm that the organizers had decided to take a break this time. 

Ben shrugs, easily letting go of the previous conversation. 

“I mean, we could always aim for Comic Con. I’ve had my eye on this Kylo Ren costume for me and the Kira one for you. What do you say?” 

Rey groans. 

“No Ben, we’ve dressed up like them at least twice already. Let’s go with something else,” Rey whines as she goes over her repertoire of characters in her head. “How do you feel about zombies?” 

They spend the rest of the car ride bickering about which are the best costumes and what they each feel best suits their tastes. Even as they go up the steps of their apartment they can’t reach a consensus, so they decide to box this conversation for another time —provided they have enough time for scouting out the best costumes. 

A long time ago, they’d agreed that their inheritances would go to three things: college funds, fun and kids. Evidently, they can fit almost anything under those categories, so they had to instead invest most of their money in the hopes of not blowing it on trips and costumes. This means that nearly two years ago they started living only on their income, which as of now consists only of Ben’s steady income from the tattoo parlor; his art exhibits and sales are currently funding the wedding and honeymoon they’re planning to have. 

So, they’re mostly being optimistic that they’ll be able to afford the tickets. 

Ben helps Rey settle on the couch, then makes his way to the kitchen. They have some leftover salmon and day-old sushi, but both smells are just pungent enough that Rey can’t stomach either; he’ll have to have those for dinner, then. So he breaks out the rice, chicken and vegetables, hoping to whip something up quickly. Neither have eaten anything in at least four hours, and in Rey-hours that means she’s been starving for three. 

As Ben cooks, a little absentmindedly, he thinks back to everything it took for them to be right here, right now. Getting to know each other, becoming friends, growing up together; Rey becoming independent much too soon, Ben cutting ties off with his family only to mend them. Falling in love, fighting, living together, loving each other more. 

Rey and Ben spent many nights discussing what they each wanted from each other, what they expected of this relationship and where they’d go. They wanted to always be kind to each other, first of all. It’s the only real rule in their relationship; they must be kind to each other, and to themselves. Sometimes it’s hard because it means swallowing down mean words thought in anger, but mostly it’s about Rey picking Ben up at work when he’s too tired to drive or Ben stocking the fridge with cheese for his girlfriend even though he’s come to hate it. 

After being together for six years there’s bound to be a lot of challenges —they surpassed them all, with the most difficult one being when Rey got pregnant. 

It was an accident, really. 

She’d taken out her IUD a few months back, and wanted to try pills since she… Well, Ben didn’t really know. Sometimes Rey got certain ideas in her head that were hard to dissuade her from. In any case, they waited out the period needed for them to take effect by using condoms, but they must’ve stopped using them too soon. 

So, a few weeks after that, when Rey began with the nausea and headaches, they found out she was pregnant. 

That day, Rey came home shocked. She was silent, which was a rarity in itself, but she also refused dinner; immediately, Ben wanted to call an ambulance, only to be stopped by a delicate, trembling hand tugging at his shirt. 

O.O

“I’m pregnant.”

Ben’s joy is instant and intense, turning around and crushing her to him in a hug. He didn’t think he’d be that happy, or that he’d cry from how happy he was. He doesn’t think then about whether he’d be a good father, about money or even Rey —all he knows is that life is growing inside the woman he loves, and he helped make that. 

But then, after he finishes telling Rey how much he loves her and how he can’t believe he’s going to be a dad, he separates from her just enough to realize she… 

Doesn’t look happy. 

Oh. 

As he tries to read her expression, Ben remembers her saying she wanted to finish her master’s and maybe even a PhD before even getting married. This plan had been hard to conjure, since Rey had been so scared of even the concept of getting hitched —not to mention children. But after years together, Ben managed to coax her into thinking of how pretty Rey Solo sounded, and how the next time a client tried to rub up against him he could say he was married to the youngest astrophysicist and… Well, it took a lot of work, and it paid off enough that Rey agreed to a proposal after getting her first graduate degree. 

All this goes through his head as he watches Rey’s face lose color. 

“I don’t want it, Ben. I actually already scheduled an appointment to terminate.” 

And Ben, he understands that it’s the woman’s choice. It’s her body, she’ll be the one to carry it to term and face the risks of pregnancy. It’s her plans which will get delayed, her dreams which would be changed. His head understands all these things, even as he sees the brief future he managed to imagine crumble before his eyes. He knows he doesn’t hide these feelings from his girlfriend, because her eyes grow wide and she bites her bottom lip. 

“But…” Ben swallows hard, trying to think of the right thing to say. He finds there isn’t anything. “But I want it, Rey.” 

He doesn’t know how true this is until he says it. How much he needs it. 

Her eyes grow hard, fear giving way to anger. 

“Well, this isn’t about you, is it?” 

The words land heavy on his heart. What he hears is his opinion doesn’t matter, even if it was his sperm that knocked her up. That what he wants is inconsequential, even though they’d been planning to spend a lifetime together. 

“No,” Ben finally agrees, his body hunching in on itself. “It’s about us.”

“It’s my—”

“Body, I know that. And I can’t stop you from doing it, because it is your choice. But every choice has a consequence, Rey, you know that.” 

Rey’s blood runs cold. 

“What are you saying?” Rey takes a step back, as if a cold wind had just blown past her. “Is that… Would you break up with me over this?” 

Ben shakes his head. 

“Not over you deciding this isn’t what you want, but over you making a life-changing decision without even willing to talk about it first. Rey, it’s your body. But that’s our kid, and I’ll be damned if I can’t even tell you I want it without you listening to me.” Ben laughs humorlessly, shaking his head. “The worst part is I can’t even say anything without sounding like I’m trying to coerce you into an unwanted pregnancy, or making you have a kid you don’t want for my sake. Are your dreams really so incompatible with this? With us building a family together?”

Furious, Rey crosses her arms over her chest. 

“So you’d be fine with me giving up my dreams to pop out babies and welcome you home with a warm dinner while you’re off to work?” Rey is fuming, but the angrier she gets the more disappointed Ben is. 

“When did I even… Rey, this pregnancy is real. You already are an astrophysicist, and you’re definitely going to be the most brilliant mind in the field, even if you take a little while longer to get your PhD. But is it so worth it to be the youngest anything? What does it even fucking matter? Why are you even so obsessed with time? Brilliant ideas come at their own pace, and not because you end this pregnancy and hole up in machinery are you going to work quicker. And I’ve never expected you to be a stay-at-home mom, so why are you pretending like I did? All I want is for you to tell me if you can see this pregnancy giving us a child and being happy with it.”

He’s heaving by the end of his rant, but Rey is absolutely silent. She cannot answer, because she doesn’t know. She’s terrified by the what ifs, and she’s spent a lifetime hoping to come out on top and survive. 

Minutes go by, and Rey still doesn’t reply. 

Ben doesn’t think she will, so he sighs. 

“Want me to sleep on the couch?” 

Rey sniffles, her eyes finally meeting his again. 

“You’re not leaving me?” 

He shakes his head. 

“No, I just need some time to cool down.” He looks at his watch, then at his upset girlfriend. “I’m gonna walk for like half an hour, so you should head into bed.” 

Her lips quiver. 

“I love you, Ben.” 

But is it enough?

“I love you too,” he says, truthful as always. Even when his anger issues are feeling out of control and he wants to crash his car from how furious he feels, he still loves Rey more than anything in the entire world.  

When he walks out of the apartment, the first thing he does is call Phasma. She’s much better at comforting than Hux, especially now that she’s the mother to one raucous redhead. 

“Ben?”

“Hey Gwen,” Ben mumbles, stuffing his free hand in his back pocket. “Is this a good time?”

“Of course. Are you alright? You sound off.” 

“I’m… not ok, truthfully.”

He spends the next ten minutes explaining the situation to his friend, from Rey’s ailments to promising not to leave her. It takes a lot of emotions out of him, and he finds himself walking in endless circles around the block. He needs to hit the gym as soon as it opens tomorrow. 

When he’s done retelling the events, he spends the next few moments listening to Phasma breathe slowly, in and out. He ends up sitting on a bench from the lobby as he waits for the verdict. 

Finally, it comes. 

“First of all, the two of you are morons for not talking about this beforehand. It’s logical the two of you are feeling blindsided, if neither knew how the other would feel for certain.”

True enough. 

“Look Ben, honestly this is such a shitty situation I’m not sure what to say. I understand Rey as much as you. Even if her dream doesn’t make much sense to you, it’s still real to her; and even if it’s her choice, you helped make that little mass of cells inside her. So, I get it. Everything’s a mess.” 

Somehow, he’s not currently feeling very comforted. 

“So, what? She aborts and I either get over it or we break up?” It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth even thinking about it. 

“Well, maybe. Rey’s also scared, Ben, and she’s only seeing that option. Is this a dealbreaker for you?” 

He thinks of Rey, his sunshine. 

Then he thinks of the unborn clump of cells growing inside her. 

“I want to be a father, Gwen. But more than anything, the father of Rey’s children. Even if we broke up and I ended up having a kid, if it’s not Rey’s then I just… wouldn’t feel happy about it.” 

Phasma is pensive for a moment, then breathes out softly. 

“I think you know the answer then, Solo.” 

He does. 

Thanking his friend (and promising to drop off brownies for his godson), Ben hangs up and makes his way up to their apartment. When he arrives he takes off his shoes and takes one look at the couch before deciding he’s not sleeping out here, and makes his way to the bedroom. The door is open, so he only pushes it open slightly to see inside. 

Rey is there, sitting up against the headboard. She looks haggard, pale, snot coming out of her nose and the tears soaking into her white t-shirt. 

Ben gathers her into his arms and rubs her back as she cries herself to sleep. 

When Rey wakes up in the middle of the night, she finds Ben has his mouth pressed to her belly; he’s whispering something she can’t make out, rubbing softly and pressing kisses that can only ever be the sweetest things ever. 

She stays like that until he stops, but even after he gathers her up into his arms again she doesn’t fall asleep again. 

Rey can feel hot tears soaking the back of her neck. 

The next four days are spent in a harrowing silence. 

Ben tries his best to seem cheerful, to look like nothing’s wrong. He regrets thinking he could’ve broken up with Rey, but he also doesn’t know right now how to be with her. He’s angry, sad, heartbroken. He even goes to Leia one night to cry in her arms, not even telling her the reason for his tears; his mother’s arms are comforting, and it makes him bawl even harder when he thinks that he’ll never have his own kids to hold against him. 

He’s grieving, but he knows this too shall pass. 

When he’s home, he attempts normalcy —cooks and cleans and holds Rey to sleep like he always does. But every night he wakes up to whisper his apology to an unborn child, begging them to be born again a little later. 

The day of Rey’s appointment Ben doesn’t open his tattoo parlor, choosing to lock himself up in the bedroom while drinking whiskey and watching a Disney movie. It makes him cry so hard he falls asleep, mercifully keeping his glass from breaking. 

When he wakes up, it’s to Rey sitting on the edge of the bed and brushing his hair from his face. 

“Rey?” Ben whispers huskily, and blinks quickly to shake away the blurry vision. Seeing it’s her, he sniffles. “Is it done?” 

Rey shakes her head once, and it’s enough to have him shooting up so quick he nearly breaks her nose. 

“You didn’t do it?” 

“I couldn’t,” Rey says, her head hanging. “At first, I kept thinking I didn’t want you to hate me. Then I’d start wondering if our child would have your eyes, or your hair, or if they’d paint like you; it led me to wondering if maybe they’d love the stars like me, or have my eyes instead and it just… I couldn’t do it. I kept seeing you looking the happiest you’ve ever been and it made me wonder if I could ever be that happy and… Ben, I’m so scared,” Rey’s voice chokes up, her lips trembling with the effort not to cry. “What if I’m a terrible mother? What if I become a housewife and forget my career? Or I get so unbearable with the pregnancy you realize you could have someone more beautiful and nice? What if I’m just doing this because of you and end up resenting you for something that’s meant to make us happy?” 

Rey starts crying, and for a moment Ben doesn’t have an answer. 

When he does give it, he knows it must be flawed, but it’s the only one he has. 

“Sunshine, our kids will be the most beautiful children so obviously they’ll look like you,” Ben says, achieving a small smile on her face. “And of course I was deliriously happy to think I could have a family with you. Rey, you’re not going to be a single mother —you’re gonna have me every step of the way, and should I ever fail you I know you won’t hesitate to rip me a new one.” 

They laugh because it’s true. 

“Look, if you don’t want children at all that’s a different issue, but I don’t think that’s it. But if what worries you is the timing, then that’s something we will overcome. I have a steady job, we both have sizable inheritances, we don’t have any pressing debt to solve and you’ll be done with your master’s by the time you give birth. And Rey, this isn’t the eighteenth century —I intent for us to be partners, and that means if you want to focus on your career I’ll support you in any way I can, like you’ve done for me. You’re not alone.” 

He rearranges himself so he’s sitting cross-legged in front of her, one of his warm hands on her knee. 

“And I’m not even going to dignify the whole ‘finding someone else’ bit with a reply. That’s bullshit and we both know it.” 

Rey lets out a wet laugh, feeling a whole lot lighter after seeing Ben’s small smile. 

“This is all I wanted, Sunshine. For us to talk it out. If you want to… terminate this pregnancy… I can’t lie and say I wouldn’t mind, but I’d recover. So, what do you say to waiting another week to make a final decision? You made the first out of shock, and the second out of fear. I want the third to feel right.” 

Rey smiles. 

A week later, Rey decides to keep the baby. 

When they find out it’s babies, Rey paints ‘Fuck You’ with Ben’s things on a small canvas and leaves it on his side of the bed. 

He frames it and pastes the ultrasound pictures on the corner. 

O.O

“Sweets, you’re burning the chicken,” Rey’s voice snaps Ben out of his reverie, and startled, he looks to find his smaller fiancée staring at the burning food with a tranquil face. 

“Oh my God woman, tell me sooner!” Ben hurries to flip sides, grumbling when he feels Rey fake-soothing him by hugging him from the back. 

“It’s such a shame I’ve got this huge belly keeping me from feeling your back muscles entirely,” Rey complains, moving her hands so she’s instead feeling his abs underneath his shirt. She kisses his back, resting her cheek against it. “You know, that chicken’s burnt. We should just ask for pizza and call it a day.” 

She says this as her hands trail down to his happy trail, making him groan. 

Pregnancy’s made her horny, and Ben’s glad to reap the benefits. 

“Sounds to me like you just want pizza.” 

“Sounds to me like you should just do what I ask and let me blow you after you place that call.” 

“Yes ma’am,” Ben instantly turns off all kitchen appliances and twists so he can place a hard kiss against Rey’s lips. “Immediately.”

“Good boy,” Rey smirks, moving her hand so she can squeeze Ben’s butt teasingly. “I’ll be waiting in bed.” 

As Ben watches her wobble her way to their bedroom, he can only feel how warm his heart is —with love for his future wife, with hope for the future, with the knowledge that things will work out. 

He wishes he could show his twelve-year-old this image, encase these feelings and replay them like a movie. If he could, he’d hug his teenage self and whisper to himself to just wait a little longer, because happiness was coming. 

“You’ll befriend this lanky kid who throws green paint at your biggest bully. 

And that’s not even the best part.”

Then again, he wouldn’t have believed himself. 

Whatever. 

He’s got a call to make and a fiancée to please, so he forgets about the past and focuses on the now. 

“Ben!”

Alrighty.

“Coming Sunshine!”