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Against the dimly lit skyline of Gotham stood the silhouette of a Ferris wheel, a tall wooden roller coaster, a large circus tent, and the rest of the buildings and attractions that made up Amusement Mile, Gotham City’s own amusement park. The newly constructed park sat silently in the night, awaiting their roar to life the coming morning when the gates opened.
“Look at this place,” hissed a woman, “Think of all the lives lost to justify this ugly concrete offering to capitalism.”
The woman wore only green leaves that clung to her skin in the form of a long dress. Her lips and eyeshadow were the same dark green of the leaves and her long hair was starkly orange by contrast. Beside her stood a lanky woman in red and black jester jumpsuit.
“I dunno, Red,” shrugged Harley, “I kinda like the tent.”
‘Red’ in this case referred to Poison Ivy, who was standing beside Harley as they looked up at the enormous park before them. The lives that Ivy was referring to were the flora that had died in the site’s construction.
“Don’t worry,” assured Ivy, “We can keep the circus.”
The emerald woman raised her arms into the air. The roots of a nearby tree shot from out of the ground and tore down the chain link fence blocking Harley and Ivy’s entrance into the park. Now unimpeded, the two set foot into the park.
“You know, they probably have security,” pointed out Harley, “Guards, alarms, you know, that kind of thing.”
“Not a problem.”
“You!” shouted a man as he ran around the corner, “You’re Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy! Freeze!”
Ivy raised an arm as Harley drew an enormous pistol from behind her back and pointed it back at the man. He was a pudgy man in his late 30s, looking more scared than anything. Ivy concluded that this would be easy.
Ivy thrust her arm into the air. The roots from the trees sprouted out at the guards feet and worked their way up the legs of his pants, coiling around his skin as they did. The guard cried out in panic and tried to pull free, but the roots held on too tightly.
“Do you know how I got my namesake?” asked Ivy, “I can grow any kind of poisonous plant I like. For instance, have you heard of the Gotham dart plant? Fascinating little thing. It tends to overtake the roots of the local trees, sort of like the ones wrapped around your legs right now. Exposing human skin to the Gotham dart plant is ill-advised. You see at first it’s just a little itchiness, but soon the skin becomes inflamed and the tingling begins. Following that, you can expect a full 24 hours of burning sensations as the hives begin to appear. Now tell me, is protecting this park really worth it?”
The guard fearfully shook his head.
“Good,” said Ivy, loosening the roots’ grips on his legs, “Shoo.”
The guard sprinted away, not looking back.
“You know we probably activated a silent alarm,” said Harley, “The cops will probably be here soon.”
“Then I guess we should get started,” said Ivy.
“What, without us?” chirped someone from above.
Harley and Ivy both turned to the food stall next to them, on top of which stood the shadowed figures of the Dark Knight and Boy Wonder themselves.
“Turn yourselves over,” ordered Batman, “This doesn’t have to get violent.”
“Harley,” said Ivy plainly, “Would you like to offer them our response?”
Harley put her thumbs in her ears, waved her fingers, and blew a raspberry at the dynamic duo.
Batman hurled a batarang at Harley but a large root grew out of the ground and blocked its path. Robin leapt off the roof of the stall and delivered a flying sidekick at Ivy. Ivy threw up both of her arms and blocked the kick, but caused them both to tumble to the ground. Batman then leapt at Harley, who cartwheeled in the opposite direction.
Batman pursued Harley as Robin and Ivy got to their feet. Robin threw two batarangs of his own, which Ivy leapt to the side to dodge. Robin went to jump at her, but immediately fell face first into the dirt. He felt something tighten around his ankle as he realized a root had grown out and gotten a hold of him. Robin tried to tug his leg free, but soon another larger root had grown from the ground beneath him and wrapped around his waist. The next thing he knew he was being dangled in the air by a large root coiled around his hips. He coughed as the grip tightened.
Meanwhile, Batman had pinned Harley to the ground and was preparing to cuff and apprehend her.
“Batman!” shouted Ivy, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you!”
Batman turned and saw Ivy flaunting Robin in her large root tentacle. Robin grunted as the root squeezed him even tighter. He tried to pry himself free, but it was no use.
“Let him go!” ordered Batman.
“Only if you do the same for us.”
“...deal.”
Robin yelped as he was dropped to the ground as Ivy sprinted away. Batman released his hold on Harley and she rushed after her. Robin got to his knees and looked up sadly at Batman.
“Sorry…” he uttered.
“Let’s get back to the batcave,” said Batman plainly, “We’ll discuss it further there. ...is something wrong?”
“Kinda,” grunted Robin, scratching at his hips and butt, “I’m feeling really itchy all of the sudden.”
***
“I’ll double my training,” said Robin as he and Batman exited the batmobile, “and my combat studies. I wasn’t perceptive enough to recognize she was going to attack me from below.”
Bruce said nothing as he removed his cowl and walked through the dark, echoing cave toward an enormous computer monitor. Dick sighed as he removed his mask. Bruce knew him well. This silent treatment was worse than any lecture he could have given him.
“Well if you have nothing to say,” grunted Dick, fighting the urge to scratch his crotch, “I’m going to go wash off.”
The itchiness around his pelvic area had only gotten worse since they left Amusement Mile. He was certain now that Ivy had gotten something onto him. He hoped that a thorough washing would be enough to ease the irritation.
“You’re not going anywhere,” said Bruce, not even looking back, “Not until we debrief the mission.”
“Can we make it quick?” asked Dick, “I think Ivy got something on my-”
“She did,” said Bruce, typing on a keyboard in the wall and bringing up an image of a plant on the monitor, “This is the Gotham dart plant. It’s a local plant that’s known to overtake tree roots, like the ones Ivy used against you. Exposure to it causes itchiness, inflammation, and eventually hives.”
“Holy horticulture, Batman...” sighed Dick, “Are you sure that’s what this is?”
“Ivy’s powers only allow her to manipulate existing flora,” explained Bruce, finally turning to look at Dick, “She can’t produce her own. It has to be the Gotham dart plant.”
“Is there any way to treat it?”
“I messaged Alfred on the way back. He’s picking up the appropriate medication as we speak.”
“...thanks.”
“Now,” said Bruce, “We have to determine their next move. Given Ivy’s motive, there are only several potential targets.”
“Places where plant life was paved over to make way for urbanization,” realized Dick, doing his best to ignore the increasing itchiness and stinging in his loins.
“Exactly.”
“What about Harley?” asked Dick, “What’s her game?”
“Harley’s motives will be the same as Ivy’s.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because the two of them are an item.”
“What!?” exclaimed Dick in surprise, “How do you know that?”
“I saw them interact tonight.”
“And that’s all you needed to know they were having sex?”
Bruce stared back at Dick expressionlessly.
“You know that’s really creepy, right?”
Bruce returned his attention to the computer.
“Go upstairs and wait for Alfred to get back with your rash cream,” he said, turning back to his computer.
Dick sighed dejectedly and began his walk back up into the manor, doing his best to keep from scratching at his unbearably itchy skin irritation. Bruce really had a way of making Dick feel inadequate when he wanted to.
***
Robin retracted his grappling gun, pulling himself up to the rooftop. He jogged to the other end of the building and crouched, taking a small set of night vision binoculars from his utility belt and getting a closer look at Reed Music Hall. The theater was one of the few of its kind built in Gotham in recent years. It had been built over a forest preserve, so it was among Batman’s predicted targets for Poison Ivy’s next attack.
Robin looked carefully at each individual window. The building was closed by now, so any sign of movement would mean someone was up to no good. Sure enough, Robin saw movement in one of the windows. Harley and Ivy were here.
“Batman,” said Robin into his comm, “I’ve spotted movement at the Reed Music Hall.”
“Copy,” said Batman back, “Wait for me.”
“Negative,” said Robin, “They could be gone by then. I’m going in.”
“Robin, wait-”
Robin shut off his communicator. He knew he was right. Waiting for Batman could mean these two could get away again. If Robin confronted them, he could at least keep them busy until Batman arrived. Additionally, Robin wanted to redeem his embarrassing defeat at Ivy’s hands the other night. His rash had only just subsided.
Robin swung over to one of the windows, crawled in and began to quietly walk through the building. He listened carefully for the sound of anyone else. Nothing. Either Harley and Ivy were being exceptionally quiet or they were somewhere else in the building. Robin made his way to the staircase.
He had seen the two of them in a window on that floor, but they had seemingly moved. Robin swept the entire first floor without a sign of them either. Maybe he was wrong. He hoped not. Batman would be pretty angry if Robin had called and hung up on him for nothing. Then Robin noticed the elevator.
“Oh,” he realized, “Duh.”
Robin returned to the staircase and descended further into the basement. The only way for Harley and Ivy to leave the second floor without going to the first would have been to take the elevator. That meant they were most likely in the basement.
Robin ducked behind a corner when he heard the voices he had been searching for. Harley and Ivy were standing in the middle of the large central room of the basement, looking about.
“I still don’t get why we couldn’t just use dynamite to blow the place,” said Harley.
“That would be just as barbaric and destructive as the demolition of the forest,” responded Ivy, “I have a far more elegant solution in mind.”
“Fine by me,” shrugged Harley, “So long as Thorne’s favorite concert hall goes kaput.”
Ivy raised both hands into the air. After a few moments Robin heard creaking and cracking. Tree roots began to sprout from the floor and walls of the room. Robin’s eyes widened in fear. She was going to destroy the very foundation of the theater. The whole thing would come down right on top of them.
“Stop!” ordered Robin, running out from behind the corner and drawing a batarang.
“Bird Brain!” exclaimed Harley.
“I’ll handle him,” said Ivy loathfully, reaching both arms toward Robin.
Robin whipped a batarang at Ivy, but Harley cartwheeled in front of the attack and kicked the batarang right out of the air. Robin then noticed the roots protruding from the ground beneath him and leapt away. He wasn’t going to fall for that trick again. That’s when he felt two powerful roots latch onto him from under his shoulders and pull him back into the wall, pinning him there.
“Well,” sneered Ivy, “That was easy.”
“Oh! Oh!” smiled Harley, hopping in place and clapping her hands, “Give him a wedgie!”
“Oh, come on!” shouted Robin indignantly.
“A… wedgie?” said Ivy, turning to Ivy in confusion.
“Yeah,” said Harley, pantomiming the prank, “Just yank his undies up real high.”
“I know what a wedgie is,” said Ivy, “I just don’t get the appeal.”
“Come on,” insisted Harley, “It’ll be funny!”
“Alright, honey,” said Ivy, rolling her eyes, “For you.”
“No, wait! Hurk! ”
Robin gritted his teeth as he felt his briefs shoot right up into his butt and tighten around his genitals. The roots holding him by his arms and shoulders forced him forward as the newly grown roots that were hooked to his underwear waistband pulled even higher. Robin’s eye twitched in pain and his face went red with embarrassment as the elastic stretched past his head and the fabric dug in deeper. The roots continued to hold Robin down on the ground as his underwear stretched up past his head.
Suddenly Ivy looked concerned.
“He’s here,” she said, “We have to go.”
“What about him?” asked Harley.
Ivy raised her hands again. A small tree burst through the tiled flooring and sprouted up into the room, branches spreading across the ceiling. Robin yelped as he was dragged over by his underwear. The roots firmly hooked the waistband to one of the branches and released Robin, leaving him dangling from the tree.
“There,” said Ivy, “Happy?”
“Yeah!” chirped Harley, kissing Ivy on the cheek, “Now let’s scram!”
The two women were gone in a matter of seconds. Robin grunted as he drew a knife from his utility belt and began to try to cut through the waistband to free himself. He had barely gotten started when a batarang flew over his head and sliced right through the white cotton, causing the whole garment to tear away as Robin fell to the ground face first.
Robin groaned as he got to his knees, underwear still crammed up inside him and his butt still stinging from the friction. He looked up and nearly turned away in shame. Batman was standing directly over him, glaring down at him.
“I’m… sorry…” muttered Robin.
***
Dick yawned as he slowly drifted back to the waking world. He went to roll over, but felt a burning sensation as he began to move. Concerned, he looked under the covers to see what it might be. Finding nothing, he checked under his pajamas.
“Oh no…” he realized.
The rash was back. It had covered his entire crotch and from the feeling of things his entire butt too.
Ivy must have used that dart plant again when she wedgied me , he realized indignantly, She got it all over my underwear! Oh, for the love of…
Dick made his way to his personal bathroom, where he thoroughly scrubbed down the affected areas. He ignored the stinging and itching as he dried it off with a towel. He grabbed the cream Alfred had previously brought out of the medicine cabinet and began to apply it to all the reddened parts of his skin.
“We have to talk,” said Bruce.
Dick yelped and pulled his towel over his crotch, blushing as he looked up and saw Bruce standing at the doorway. He had entered Dick’s room and approached the bathroom without Dick even noticing.
“Bruce!” cried Dick, “You couldn’t have waited until I had pants on!?”
“Waited,” said Bruce plainly, “Interesting choice of words. Couldn’t you have waited until I arrived before engaging with the target?”
“I was worried they’d be gone by the time you got there,” muttered Dick.
“Maybe,” said Bruce, “Or maybe you were still feeling inferior because of your last encounter with them and wanted to prove yourself.”
“...that might have had something to do with it,” admitted Dick.
“How did that go for you?”
“Hey!” protested Dick, blushing, “I stopped them from leveling that music hall!”
“Was turning off your comms before engaging the enemy a necessary part of your plan?”
“It was- I-” stuttered Dick, “Okay yeah, that was stupid of me.”
“Yes it was.”
“...sorry.”
“You’re benched.”
“What!?”
“Until further notice,” said Brucce firmly, “You are not to go into the field.”
“But Harley and Ivy-!”
“Might both be in custody right now if you hadn’t been there.”
Dick looked away shamefully. Bruce might have been right about that part.
“Breakfast is in the dining hall,” said Bruce as he turned and left, “Alfred made omelettes.”
Dick sighed dejectedly as he listened to Bruce close the bedroom door behind him. He felt like such a failure. Ivy had gotten the best of him twice in a row and Bruce had clearly seen it both times. There were some days he felt like more than just Batman’s sidekick, but there were also days like this when he felt like little more than a liability.
Dick spent the next few days by himself. He doubled his training, spending most of the days in the batcave and the rest of the time in the library reading up on combat and espionage techniques.
Bruce went out as Batman each of those nights, but failed to find Ivy and Harley on any of his searches. He had checked every other possible target for Ivy, but it seemed as though she had stopped those particular attacks. Now he was back at a dead end.
Dick had offered his help, both as Robin and as research and backup, but Bruce had coldly refused every time. He was still angry at Dick for jumping in early at Reed Music Hall.
“I don’t have time to discuss this,” said Bruce the fourth time Dick had asked, “Burglaries and gang skirmishes have spiked since the two of them disappeared. I need to focus all of my attention on both issues.”
“That’s why you could use my help!” insisted Dick.
“No.”
Dick tapped his foot in frustration as Bruce donned his cowl and boarded the batmobile to go out for the night again. After waiting alone for a few minutes, Dick accessed Bruce’s computer and began to go through recent crime reports.
Burglaries and gang skirmishes had indeed risen, but peculiarly the burglaries seemed to only target wealthy, well off families. Some further digging saw that most of those families were gang affiliated in some way.
What am I doing? wondered Dick, What am I going to find that Bruce didn’t already find?
That’s when Dick remembered something Harley had said the other night. She had mentioned Reed Music Hall was one of Thorne’s favorite venues. Thorne had previously tried to use Harley’s hyenas in an animal fighting ring,* so Harley probably had it out for him.
*In Robin & Harley Quinn: To Catch a Clown
Dick quickly did a look at the gang skirmishes. Sure enough, Thorne’s gang was involved in almost all of them. In fact, they were the only ones involved in many of them. The skirmishes were between them and unknown civilians.
What are the chances the civilians got away unharmed every time? wondered Dick, seeing that that was the case in the police reports, Unless they weren’t civilians at all! It was Harley and Ivy!
Harley and Ivy weren’t targeting institutes harmful to plant life anymore. They were targeting Thorne.
Dick activated the communication system in the computer and reached out to the batmobile. Batman answered almost immediately.
“What’s the emergency, Robin?”
“It’s not an emergency,” said Dick, “It’s about Harley and Ivy. I-”
“I told you you were benched.”
“But-”
“I have to focus, Robin. Over and out.”
The communicator clicked out. Dick pounded the keyboard in frustration. He was right about this. He was sure of it.
Dick turned around and eyed his Robin costume, hung up on a mannequin in a glass cylinder on the far side of the batcave. For all of Bruce’s insistence on benching Robin, he hadn’t hidden away the costume or anything.
“Looks like I’ll have to handle this myself,” whispered Dick, approaching his costume.
***
Robin looked up at the enormous mansion that was Thorne Manor. It didn’t compare to Wayne Manor of course, but it was still quite impressive compared to most the homes in Gotham. Robin fired his grappling gun at the roof and reeled himself up.
Word was that Rupert Thorne was out of town at the moment, lying low from the authorities. That made his home the perfect target for Harley and Ivy if they wanted to punish the crime boss.
Robin used a small pry bar from his utility belt to force open the window and sneak in. He was considering what the security would be like when he noticed a dozen armed guards lying on the floor. He rushed over to check the pulse on one of them and was relieved to hear the sound of them snoring.
Must be some plant Ivy used, thought Robin.
“You again!” came Ivy’s voice.
Robin drew a batarang and turned to face the two women. They both had large sacks with them, presumably filled with all sorts of valuables from Thorne’s collection.
“You know you are really starting to get on my nerves!” growled Ivy.
Robin heard the crash of shattering glass behind him as a large tree branch thrust in through the window and began swinging about. Robin dodged the branch's grasp with a backward cartwheel, but saw that the branch was still coming for him. Ivy was controlling one of the large trees from outside.
“Ooh! Ooh!” squealed Harley, “Give him a wedgie again!”
“Would you let me focus, please?” requested Ivy irritably.
Robin sidestepped the branch again and leapt back, only to find himself cornered with two large branches reaching for him. He drew a small baton that extended into a quarterstaff and began using it to beat away the branches, but slowly they overcame him and knocked the staff away. Soon he was fully restrained in the grasp of the branches.
“Okay,” said Harley, “ Now give him a wedgie!”
“Would you stop?” sighed Ivy, “Batman could arrive any minute.”
“Oh come on!” groaned Harley, “Where’s your sense of humor?”
Ivy stared blankly at Harley for a moment. Then another tree branch shot in through the window, came up behind Harley, hooked the lower back of her jumpsuit, and hoisted her up off the ground by it. Harley squealed as her butt was pulled into the air by multiple layers of fabric cramming up into it.
“Happy?” smiled Ivy smugly.
“So… That’s what that feels like…” muttered Harley.
The branch shook and Harley fell off and to the ground. She shook her head, stood up, and pulled her suit and undies out of her butt. Robin didn’t know what to make of this.
“I knew you wouldn’t listen to me,” came Batman’s voice, “Good thing I followed you here.”
Harley and Ivy both looked around in a panic before a large shadow came up behind Harley. Before she could respond, fists were flying at her from the shadow and she was resorting to frantically blocking the punches to defend herself. A well-aimed kick to the leg sent Harley to her knees, where Batman prepared to knock her out with one last strike. Then a golden powder seemed to sprinkle down on Batman from over his head. He weakly looked up at the plants hanging in planters over his head.
“Thorne is quite the collector of exotice plant life,” boasted Ivy, “Tell me, Batman: are you familiar with the Zambesi dream flower? Its spores put grown men to sleep in a matter of seconds.”
“Batman!” cried out Robin, but the tree branches tightened their grips around his wrists and legs.
Batman turned to face Ivy, but quickly fell to one knee and then a few seconds later face first into the ground. Ivy chuckled as Harley sighed with relief and gathered her composure.
I have to do something! thought Robin, eyeing the branches’ holds on him.
Then he realized what he could do. It wouldn’t be the most dignified victory, but it wasn’t exactly like that was his specialty lately anyway. Robin retracted his fingers out of the fingers of his gloves and pulled away with all his strength. Since the branches were holding his wrists over his gloves, he was able to slip free and leave only his gloves in the branches’ grasps. Now with only his legs caught, Robin unclipped his utility belt and lunged into a forward roll. Robin leapt right out of his green tights as the branches clung on to them, leaving a pantsless Robin somersaulting away from the branches.
“He’s free!” cried Ivy.
“And half naked!” added Harley.
Robin, looking quite ridiculous missing the lower half of his costume. He still had his shirt, cape, and boots but was missing his gloves and pants, brandishing his white briefs. He got to his feet, ready to fight.
Ivy grunted in frustration and thrusted her hand out. The branches descended on Batman’s body, grabbed him, and pulled him out the window before flinging him out over the courtyard. Robin sprinted after him and leapt out the window. From this height the fall was liable to break Batman’s neck if he couldn’t respond.
Robin caught Batman midair and dove into a rolling landing, leaving both Batman and him in a heap. Batman groaned as he slowly awoke, looking around to get his bearings. He made eye contact with Robin.
“You… Saved me,” he realized.
“Yeah,” smiled Robin weakly.
“Good job.”
“Thanks.”
“…where are your pants?”
***
“That’s right!” declared Harley, “Ivy’s plan worked like a charm! Boy Blunder raced out to save B-Man and we escaped before they even knew we were gone!”
“Impressive,” purred the woman across the table.
Harley and Ivy were sitting in a dark room at a table across from a slender, curvy woman who was meticulously going through every jewel and valuable Harley and Ivy had stolen from Thorne, setting them aside one by one.
“So how much?” asked Ivy impatiently.
“I can give you 20,000 for the whole lot,” said the woman, “It would be more, but I’m docking you for scratching up this jewelry.”
“Hey!” protested Harley, “Stuff happens! We can’t bring everything back in pristine condition.”
“I always manage to.”
Harley grumbled and crossed her arms in frustration.
“Speaking of which,” mused Ivy, “What is your next heist, Selina?”
“I have something in mind,” smiled Selina, “After hearing your story I became inspired. You see, it’s been far too long since I tangled with a superhero.”