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Published:
2014-12-02
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Nursery School

Summary:

It's another disastrous day for Mrs. Hudson at the Baker Street "nursery".
 

Notes:

All the characters herein were created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. The story is based on Joyce Grenfell's monologues and also, indirectly, The Musgrave Ritual.

If anyone passing by is curious, here's the first of Joyce Grenfell's nursery school monologues.

Work Text:

Good morning, Mr. Holmes! And how are we today? I hope you’re feeling full of energy—because once the Doctor gets here, we’re going to tidy the sitting room. Won’t that be exciting?

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Watson! Thank you so much for bringing Dr. Watson. And good morning to you too, Doctor—we’re going to have a lovely busy day, aren’t we? Excuse me one moment, Mrs. Watson.

Mr. Holmes… don’t do that.

I’m so sorry, Mrs. Watson. I thought I’d hidden his violin. Well then, Doctor, are you going to give Mrs. Watson a kiss before she goes? No? Oh, dear—is he being a bit shy today, Mrs. Watson?

Yes, if you could pick the Doctor up at 4 o’clock that would be splendid. We shall see you then. Thank you so much. Goodbye, Mrs. Watson.

Now, Doctor! We’re going to tidy the sitting room today! Isn’t that going to be fun?

Yes, it is.

And yes, I know it’s Mr. Holmes’ mess but friends like to help one another, don’t they?

Please don’t sulk, Doctor. Big boys of 37 don’t sulk, do they? Doctor! Friends do not hit friends with their stethoscopes!

Now say you’re sorry to Mr. Holmes. Lovely. And you forgive Dr. Watson, don’t you, Mr. Holmes? Wonderful. But I don’t think you need to hug him. Or to kiss him. Or to… Mr. Holmes—put the Doctor down now.

Excellent. So where shall we begin? Ah, yes. What do we do with the dangerous chemicals, Mr. Holmes? That’s right—we take them out of the butter dish.

And what about tidying the case notes? Would you like to do that, Doctor? Doctor..? No, there’s no time for that now. You’ll have to write up the cases for The Strand later. Because I say so.

Where were we? Oh, yes. Mr. Holmes, you can arrange the case notes and the Doctor can put away the criminal relics... Mr. Holmes! Stop that at once! Stop regaling the Doctor with tales of old cases! You know how easily he gets distracted. And, no, we are not having an extended flashback. Please stop fooling around with the timeline.

Oh, I feel so confused.

What’s that, Mr. Holmes? Yes, perhaps that is enough for today. Yes, you and Dr. Watson can go out to play. Or “retrieve a sensitive document for the Prime Minister”. Off you go.

Bless his heart—what an imagination.