Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I am bored but anxious —a typical mix in my life. While I’m staring at the passersby through the window of the cafeteria, which is slightly sprayed with raindrops, I let myself have the usual rant.

Life is an ongoing adventure that doesn’t need a purpose to feel worthwhile. Hell, it doesn’t even have to be ‘worthwhile’ to begin with. It just is. Shit just happens and keeps happening. Nevertheless, I always feel like there is something more, something to figure about it. A puzzle that lives in my mind and I need to solve it. Like a ghost-call that plays a song in synchrony with my heart, not my soul, because I can’t feel anything that strong.

No matter what I do, it just keeps playing. Telling me I should do something, but I don’t know what that is. So I orbit life lost and insecure.

If only there were a signal, an anything to tell me I’m on the right track. Friends, Family, whatever. I sure love them with that platonic feeling, but I still find myself detached from the events of my own life and my own self. It’s suffocating. I let a hand barely touch my throat, like if I were literally out of air or wanting to do something else. I dig my nail slowly forming a line which leaves a paler line that will fade in seconds, but now contrast with my skin.

I put my hand down and try to chew the next piece of a chocolate cake that’s too sweet for my liking, so I balance the taste with bitter coffee mixed with a shot of vodka. Shhhhhh, nobody needs to know. I carry it everywhere, I can’t get drunk anyways, It’s just the taste what I like.

You would think an overseas trip sounds exciting, you were wrong. But I won’t blame you, I fell for it too. In the end, it’s pretty much the same, just a different landscape.

What’s wrong with me tonight? I close my eyes as my frustration rises, I want to shout to whoever wrote my life and to myself, how stupid everything is. I don’t do it though, because I know I got to fake I’m a half decent person. Moreover, I know there is millions of people out there having the same useless train of thought at this exact same moment. I’m not special and I don’t care about it. I just want to stop myself from asking the same questions but, as always, I fail miserably. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

That’s enough self-introspection for today. I finish my cake and extend my hand to grab my coffee, but my stupidity seems to have no limits, I spill it for being so self-absorbed. Thanks, this is my sign to “stop thinking about useless shit”. I watch it roll on the table and drop, spilling its remains on the shoes of a poor fool that decided to walk too close to my table, right on the instant my neural connections were on strike.

“Sorry man, let me clean it for you”

My voice is like a lazy oath for the sake of politeness. I take a look at the suspected fool, hope they don’t care either.

“Oh! Don’t worry.”

Damn, he’s cute. I almost cough out of embarrassment. He acts like it isn’t a big deal, like he could keep walking, but he stands still. I guess he’s confused. Don’t worry man, it’ll just take a couple of seconds. I do my best at cleaning his shoe with the paper towel. It’s a little awkward considering I’m still sitting, and maybe I shouldn’t be doing this, but whatever. There’s something familiar about him. Yellow eyes, redhead, striped glasses; that is an oddly specific description. Why is it so familiar? Around fifteen seconds and it’s done, he walks away and I stand up to retrieve the mug. I’m rehearsing my apologies to the personnel of the cafeteria.

I glance at his back as he slowly disappears.

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-Today at 17:32-

Mian: Guess what, today I met the most handsome man on earth like anime handsome. No, I’m not joking, he could be a model. He, at least, appeared like a natural redhead. With curled hair and amber eyes. Good build like he works out and good sense of style too. Anyways, I was dissociating again lol and spilled coffee on his shoe lol x2
Mian: He was kind of familiar, will update you later

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Sent, because it is never too early to spam your friends with messages about the little things that happen in your mostly uneventful life. I put my phone in my pocket and begin walking home. Feeling like someone seems familiar isn’t something that happens everyday. I’m closer to forgetting classmate’s names and faces or suddenly realize I have a class with someone I know, when the term is almost over, than that. It can be a slip of my mind but It’s strange. Just thinking about this person is strange, a feeling I can’t describe.

As I take an absent look at the stores and buildings beside me, I imagine how his personality would be. Maybe he’s funny, the kind of friend that pulls pranks without crossing the line too much and enjoys fooling around, but always makes sure everyone is alright with it. But why would he joke so much? Maybe he needs it, like someone who’s hurting inside so much, he needs to act like someone else that turns everything into a joke to forget everything for a moment.

Hmm.

That is, again, an oddly specific description. Too personal to be casualty and too different from me to be self-reflecting.
While I’m trying to figure what the fuck is wrong with me for the second time (wow, it’s been a long time since that happened twice) something appears in my mind… like memories? But that can’t be, I met this guy today, if that cliche one line act can be considered knowing someone. I don’t even know his name. Oh, I know his name? Luciel… Choi. But I used to call him Seven? Luciel Choi? Used to? Oh right, his real name was Saeyoung Choi. Perfect. Just let me gather this properly. First, what the fuck. Second, excuse me, what the fuck?!?!

The next second, I’m sprinting towards the cheap apartment I started living in a few days ago, adrenaline driven. The apartment it’s on the second floor. Like a man on a mission, I put my keys out in anticipation, open the door and go straight into my room. A worn out notebook that I don’t trust anyone near, so I brought to my trip. It’s been a while since the last time I opened it, that last time being when I got accepted in college. Some drawings pop out as I read what’s inside.

I didn’t want to write this but it’s been days with the same. I talk with this sketchy guy, go to this apartment and a bunch of guys and a gal give me a warm welcome telling me what am I doing in his private chatroom. It was a game called suspicious messenger or whatever. And I was a gal because ofc a game with hot guys would be an otome and the MC would be a girl. Awesome.

Except it was like I was actually there??? The first one who called me and half acknowledged I was a guy was 707. His name is Luciel Choi .

Fuck.

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-Today at 22:42-

laughsassin: wait wait wait
laughsassin: are you talking about a dream again?
laughsassin: I’ve told you a thousand times that I can’t read your mind, if you want to talk about something yo gotta gimme som context
laughsassin: at least you should’ve kiss him
laughsassin: how could you space out for so long without noticing an anime handsome man????
laughsassin: you lost me

Right, right. The last thing I told him was that encounter with Sae- No! It feels so wrong just thinking about his name, calm down Mian, calm down. Breath in, breath out. Even the hours between a single fuck and reading through a journey of mental garbage isn’t enough to normalize this situation. Just answer your friend.

Mian: It wasn’t a dream!!!!!! And I couldn’t do something like that even if I knew I were dreaming. Some people have this thing: dignity.
Mian: But now that you mention it, I
Mian: I might have seen him in a dream… more than once
Mian: but I need to think about it before spilling
Mian: I was reading my dream diary, Writing my dreams it’s not something I always do. Happened just a couple of times, years ago
laughsassin: so first you tell me first hand about it, maybe the next moment after it, and now you decide to be secretive
laughsassin: well, fine. drink tea or something
laughsassin: so that erases the possibility of that familiarity being something tied to his corporal language or physical apperacance?
laughsassin: appearance*
laughsassin: guess you’re are still calming down. I’ll be right here

-Today at 23:12-

Mian: It’s Luciel Choi
laughsassin: what, right. you said he was a redhead with yellow eyes.
laughsassin: what does he has to do with a corporeal being?
Mian: can you wait a moment, I’m still typing
Mian: I was going to say it’s the same person. I know it’s hard to understand how, I’ll write a summary on that matter
laughsassin: quick tip
laughsassin: don’t
laughsassin: I’ll be honest: your summaries suck
laughsassin: you can become better with a few tries and practice but for today, just assault me with the entire story. its better than staring at the screen for 5 minutes without understanding what the fuck and then laughing because the entire drama/action plot that you described ended up being detective pony encore: more blood
Mian: asgsdjsgh FINE
Mian: And it was a one time thing
Mian: …
Mian: Wait a moment
laughsassin: =__=

-Today at 23:44-

laughsassin: are you there?
Mian: I’m almost done typing, wait
laughsassin: you’ve been typing all this time? wow. ok. what if you send me the short version while I wait?
laughsassin: please?
Mian: Alright, short version here we go:
Mian: I dreamt about hot dudes who were desperate for affection plus a girl who were also on that but would not admit it because #nohomo. Oh right, I was a girl without eyes in this world. So they told me to hold a party for the least fortunate and I had to lie to convince random people and objects to attend it. Like a cat, a curry bowl and the C language? But the party was a lie because the head of the organization was supposed to be dead but was actually very alive and brainwashing people with drugs with the help of the redhead’s lost twin brother: and edgy marshmallow boy with aesthetic gothic tendencies. A lot of crazy shit happened like there was a bomb in the apartment where I was staying and I’m pretty sure I saw a talking omelet and a kettle with glasses? Well, the redhead who was also a hacker of a secret organization protected me from blowing out and we learned about life, philosophy and love. We were planning to open a toy store with AI toys that my husband made and maybe having some kids (I was the no-eyes gal here, don’t forget it). While giving therapy to marshmallow boi after we broke into a religious cult to save him and the blind sea scented photographer guy died. But, there was also something about a what if I knew everyone sooner, there I had the chance to end with the psychotic head of the cult (she was hot). Oh I forgot, It was supposed to be a game but… I was there. I would have pleaded for my life but everyone were so impossibly hot it was so distracting haha;;;
laughsassin: holy shit

-Today at 23:58-

Mian: Here’s the long version:
Mian: thisthing.txt
laughsassin: you are messing with me
laughsassin: a document? really?
laughsassin: also a txt, couldn’t you spare me at least a word document?
laughsassin: what will be next, a shitty summary in binary code?
Mian: You will read it
laughsassin: I’m afraid I will

-Today at 00:44-

laughsassin: so you are telling me you alter-universe married the guy you met today. I would have appreciated if you didn’t elaborate with the entire lifestory of the guy, or the things that you made your poor eyeless avatar girl do
Mian: I told you she did it on her own! I don’t know how. But that was something that totally happened
Mian: And I’m being serious about it
Mian: Also, I did kept some things confidential
laughsassin: I don’t doubt it, didn´t help tho
laughsassin: if this is the revised and censored version and it did include religious cults and emotional abuse, better keep this pg16
laughsassin: (pg13 already violated with mentions of violence)
laughsassin: and all that time when you talked about 707, a guy from a game you didn’t remember the name. you were referring to the game inside those dreams? wow
laughsassin: anyways, it’s a lot. are you sure all this were a dream and not some elaborate prank or fanfiction that you read, out of boredom?
laughsassin: do you expect me to believe you dreamt all this crazy yet somewhat too-coherent-to-be-a-dream story in just a couple of nights? were you in coma or something?
Mian: I told you, it was actually a series of dreams, each covered a part in the story, some parts repeated until I did something different in the dream. There are still parts that I don’t understand and there’s parts I remember I forgot when I woke up
laughsassin: ok, you the only one I know who so far has confirmed premonition dreams are a thing
laughsassin: when you ever sleep more than 4 hours
laughsassin: so I will give you the benefit of the doubt
laughsassin: in which case, why didn’t you tell me before?
laughsassin: even if you hadn’t the real guy stumbling in your life like a movie
laughsassin: which by the way is something I can’t fully process yet
laughsassin: it’s a pretty complex story
laughsassin: and here I thought meeting a yellow redhead were something out of the ordinary, you drop the bombs right in front of me and blew my fragile mind
Mian: Oh, at first I didn’t want to talk about it. It was something that happened some years ago, before we entered college. And, you know, when I got accepted in college everything was hellish and I barely ate and slept. So even if it was something that impacted me, my mind needed to be somewhere else, I needed to produce results and that made me forget with time.
laughsassin: why didn’t you want to talk about it?
laughsassin: ?
Mian: Sorry, I’ll tell you another time
laughsassin: ok
laughsassin: try to get some sleep
Mian: Yeah, you too.

I turn off my phone so I don’t get distracted and possibly sleep deprive again, but I know it won’t be so easy after today. I’m sure it was him, I remember his voice and his appearance. However, something keeps bugging me, what if it’s the same person but a different life? Or if I don’t get the chance to see him again? Would that the possible with this flow of events?

Yeah that would be pretty fucking possible. Shit just happens and all that jazz.

Maybe he is a different person after all, then he could have had a less of the shitty life he had in my dreams. That would be great, good for him. I roll on my bed.

Because if he has lived the same life as in my dreams, he probably doesn’t know where is his brother, or if living like he is its worth it.

Argh.

It’s too much for today, I am overwhelmed and I know I won’t shut up with my personal rant so I force myself to shut my eyes and sleep. I am glad I changed my clothes before writing the story of my alter life since I don’t feel like doing anything right now. Sleep, that’s what I need. Sleeping is the only thing that can put me at ease in this situation. There’s a chance I will dream about it again, after all this years. Whatever, I’ll handle what happens tomorrow.

After I’m tired of fighting with myself and hearing my own voice, I left my conscience slowly drift away.

---

707: Honey!~ come to the kitchen, I made dinner.

As soon as I read the message, I went downstairs. The apartment of agent 707 is fancier and bigger than it seems, but it always looked empty until I started living with him. That reminds me of the first time I was here, 707 didn’t have any groceries. He was used to eating junk food, take out and the infamious Honey Butter Chips with Doctor Pepper. Honestly, It didn’t take me long to find a way to stock proper food in his kitchen and begin cooking for him. Saeyoung were surprised by my culinary skills, orphans power! Amirite? Although it always felt strange doing things through MC’s body. Like being the one in command, first seat in the action. But still somewhat Not there.

However, I would be the most surprised out of both as soon as I had a taste of Saeyoung’s cooking. It was the best. Maybe this is how a homecooked meal made with love tastes. Great isn’t enough to describe it, It kind of reminds me of the chef too. But I couldn’t help but ruin the moment with a bittersweet feeling that followed not so happy thoughts. Why wouldn’t Seven cook for himself if he were so good at it? I list a series of reasons why, but in the end, I couldn’t ignore the truth. When you are depressed, you don’t want to do even the simplest things. Eating, sleeping, taking care of yourself, the absence of it is like a self punishment that aggravates the illness. But when you don’t want to either live or die, you just let yourself softly drift away.

Slowly drift away?

---

I wake up in the middle of the night, It wasn’t a nightmare, but it hurt like one. There’s a single tear in my right eye and I wipe in with the back of my hand. Through the day, I had a little(fine, not so little) breakdown after remembering everything. The worst thing I think, is realizing that it weren’t just dreams. One thing is creating a world inside you, something that could be the weird aftermath of simple desires and maybe too much drama. But another and very freaking different thing is seeing a person, flesh and bones, that could be happening to be the person you saw there.

I don’t want to rant to myself again about things that I already now, I know what I’m avoiding. There’s a fuckton of reasons why I shouldn’t be like this, worrying about something, someone that I could even never see again. Honestly, maybe that would make things easier. But who wants easier when you can have the sequel or something that changed a part of you? But fuck, I know Mian, I fucking know it. If I had the chance I would probably bother the guy, awkwardly hit on him a little too much and the story wouldn’t end as *nice* (as far as drama land with sexy- I mean skilled hackers and brainwashed twin brothers go) as it were in the dream. First, I’m a guy. That’s pretty obvious, I vaguely remember him saying gender wouldn’t matter but still.

Secondly, I’m not as near as calm and smooth as MC was. Fuck, If I were in his position even I would fell in love with her. It felt like I was taking the decisions but she was there, in the middle of everything. Bright and confident. While I am nothing less than awkwardness and mild social anxiety personified. And most important, third: The part of him pushing people out of his life because it’s too dangerous. And in reality, it fucking is.
He needs someone to be by his side, someone to cheer him up, someone to inspire him and someone to understand him. And that someone isn’t me.
If this were an anime, novel, game or whatever; I would probably would have to *have* this internal drama when we actually develop a meaningful relationship. When I actually know it wasn’t like the nice stranger that help you once and you never got to see again.

But would it make sense if I never got to see someone so important for me? I got this feeling, that I’ll see him again and again. And I know life doesn’t make sense. Shit just happens and all that. But still, there are things that are connected by direct causation. I’m sure, once again, even if I don’t see him around, now I know that he exists, I would probably move sky and earth to find him. Oh shit, wasn’t him the best hacker? That means I wouldn’t be able to locate him.

I let out a laugh, poor guy. Just saw him once and I’m really thinking about how the fuck I’m supposed to track him down. Ha ha, not creepy at all. I might as well just let him found me, oh? That doesn’t sound so bad…

I laugh again, this escalated quickly. But it’s better than a self-deprecating train of thought. Anyways, there’s nothing harmful in just trying to be his friend, right? Right. I’ll even force myself to go on blind dates, use a tinder or do whatever people do these days so I can keep myself from wanting to cross the line or whatever.

Yes, that sounds reasonable. Great, splendid, awesome, cool.

No, no, don’t even try to think more about it, I said that’s cool! Lie in bed, pull the sheets and let the natural toxins that are making you dizzy, put you to rest. For once, sleep now, freak out later.

Chapter Text

I barely slept, the sun in my face wakes me up. Right, I forgot to run the curtains. Anyways, I take a shower, wear something nice which by definition includes a long black coat because of the weather. And have an omelette and store orange juice for breakfast. Today my mission is lurking around the cafeteria in hopes of seeing Saeyoung again, while ignoring my work. I lock my apartment and start walking to my destination, taking my time.

Hmm, I shouldn’t call him by that name until he tells me to. Or even any name until he tells me to. Alright, I don’t want to freak him out so I should rehearse calling him redhead or something.

Redhead, redhead, redhead.

I keep musing that word until it becomes natural.

--

Unsurprisingly, He’s nowhere to be seen. I spent all day out, window-shopping and eating in restaurants nearby. Not a sight.

Too good to be true huh. I walk home at dawn, a day half wasted. Half because that’s kind of what I’m supposed to do here. It was actually relaxing going out for once, alone with my thoughts and everything. In a non-self-destructive way, just hopeful. Which helped me put my emotions in check, or at least, what I think are emotions.

Maybe it’s better this way, I don’t trust me enough to keep me from sliping out and saying his name. At least in the dreams, it represented his past. Something he’d been his whole life trying to hide from, escape from.

I know that feeling, my past isn’t as dramatic but still qualifies as something else. I don’t want to think about it so I try to merge what I read about the first time I met Sae- the redhead and my memories about it.

I was at home, a room with a bed, a desk with a chair, a dresser and a bookshelf. No sign of any personal belongings or interests. Ms. Cantarah let me borrow her cellphone and I started rummaging through the apps. A new one suddenly pop up. I click it and a strange man talked to me via text message, he said he wanted to return the phone to his owner. What? And now the phone I had in my hands weren’t Ms. Cantara’s. I was afraid of having something that isn’t mine, I panicked. So I followed the instructions of the stranger about how to return it. When he sent me the address, I never saw it before, but for some reason, I knew exactly where was that place. Next thing I knew, I was in front of an elegant apartment. It even had an electronic lock to put a target or a password.

I won’t break into a stranger’s apartment, I thought, then I froze. I felt someone staring at me, like waiting for me to open the door and go inside. Fine, I’ll break into a stranger’s apartment.

“Thank you” the man said, a weird alarm and the screen changed.

“Welcome to Mystic Messenger”, the message appeared and disappeared as fast. Now I was in the private chatroom of an organization. Everyone was mostly nice. First cautious, surprised, but nice as soon as the man with shades said it was fine. 707 said I was cute. My heart skips a beat as I look into the security camera. “She”, they called me. “I’m not a girl”, I said. “thenwhyareyouplayingthisgame” It isn’t exactly a game, isn’t it? As soon as that talk ended, 707 called me, hearing his voice woke me up to the realness of the situation. “Honey, I love you” That’s what he made me said. What he said too. It was too much for me. Is he flirting with me? What does this mean? They insisted I was a girl but my voice wouldn’t lie.

That’s when I felt it, a soft breeze in my legs. I was wearing a skirt, comfy may I add. I looked for a bathroom and saw myself in the mirror. The reflection it… wasn’t myself. It was a beautiful girl with long brown hair, pearl skin and yellow eyes. She looked surprised. I tried to touch her face, I could after a few tries. For some reason, I was disappointed.  

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I’m “home”, cheap apartment all the way, mostly because it’s old and has leaks. But at least it has the basics. Open kitchen, bathroom with a shower, living room with a giant box of a TV and a small bedroom with a generous king sized bed occupying most of the space. Nice.

I can’t keep wasting time nor money in food. I already bought groceries to cook most of my meals. At least for this month. But it’ll be a waste not to act fast and spend all the time I can with the redhead. No, I don’t even know that, I’m overthinking again.

-Today at 19:58-

Mian: Hey

laughsassin: hi, are you feeling better?

Mian: Yeah

Mian: How was your day?

laughsassin: tiring as always, today at the workshop we taught the children how to use the app. It was hard so you get how much work we have left until it can be published

laughsassin: lots of bugs too, concentrated in a part that tells us the guy probably left everything last minute and it’s a miracle it somewhat works

laughsassin: it’s ok now, prof stood beside him until he fixed it. In that passive aggressive way that makes you become a perfectionist so you don’t have to see a mostly tender and patient old man angry

Mian: Hmm, guess you’ll have to extend the deadline at this pace. Wish I could help.

laughsassin: I’m guessing you haven’t started your work

Mian: Affirmative

laughsassin: have you at least planned it already?

Mian: I haven’t finished doing that but it’s almost ready. I drafted some key goals

laughsassin: take it easy.

laughsassin: talk to you later. I have a meeting

Mian: Thank you and take care

Hmm.

Something tickles inside me. Go out, it yearns. It’s barely 8pm. There’s still life outside, specially in this city. “Seul” I talk with myself. The feeling stays. I've always had a hard time with feelings and such. Like I were inspecting them from afar, it would rarely felt like coming from myself.

Go out, it insists. Fine. I go out.

I don’t have a goal, I just walk and now I’m at the cafeteria again. Must be suspicious someone who has been around all day, coming back. Sigh, this is the epitome of pointless and dumb. But I let myself feel such things sometimes. It’s a change at least. A change of view like the person who walks in front of me, in an ocean of heads with black or brown hair. A redhead.

He stands in line to order, it’s a busy hour. A pulse of excitement sends shivers down my spine. I follow and try my best at casual encounter.

“Hey! Hi! How are you doing today? You are the guy from yesterday, I’m- still sorry for the coffee.”

“Hello, don’t mention it. It’s ok. Try to be more careful next time."  he pauses “ you could have burnt your fingers.”

“Nah. It was cold already. I spaced out way too long. Should have been more careful. If not for me, at least for the rest of people.”

That came out too honest. I should be careful with what I say. But I find myself unable to hide it.

Silence.

I’ve been waiting for this opportunity all day and still. Now I realize I had nothing in mind. Still I’d hate to waste it.

“What’s your name? I could- maybe inva- invite you a coffee or something?”

He stands still, now I feel scared of him ignoring me. Then, he turns to look me in the eye. I’m startled, can’t fake my surprise nor my embarrassment.

“Really?”

Question ignored, He says it like It’s just one of the strangest things some stranger ever has told him. I nod and then wait for his answer in the middle of the white noise of people chatting. Then it strucks me, he won’t be taking it as if I were flirting with him, weren’t him? Oh my god, no. Wait a moment, what if he isn’t alone? I don’t have a clue of what to do so I start blabbering like I always do when I’m nervous but trying to be honest.

“It’s not like I’m asking you to sit on the same table and all that, I’m sorry if it seemed weird. You could let me buy you something and then go meet your friends and enjoy the night“

Great, now it really implies that I invited him to share a table with me and chat.

“Actually, I could enjoy the company“ And he gives me a tiny smile.

That disarmed me. Wow, I can’t believe it but seeing him smile right now, feels unreal. I never thought I’d have the chance to see him, to see him smile in flesh, in front of me. I need to stop, now I notice that he is the next in line, I was walking forward without thinking. He makes space for me to order with him.

Medium toast and toast. Plus cake, I insisted. He wanted the apple pie and I ordered the same. I pay and we sit in a table near the back of the cafeteria, not a window near.

He stares at me like watching the paint dry, holding his mouth with his left hand, elbow resting on the table. A pose of pure contemplation (passive boredom). “Show me what you got before I abandon you” come to my mind. I’m quick to break the silence.

“So, what’s your name? “

“John, you? “

John, huh? Like John Doe…

“Mian“

“That’s a peculiar name, but it suits you. “

“Oh, thank you? “

“I mean it as a compliment“ –a tiny smile again. This one is diplomatic.

Wish I could say the same. John?

He continues.

“What brings you here? Are you a tourist? “

Down with the interrogatory, at least I don’t have to use my conversational skills (which I lack of).

“What gave it away? “

(Forgetting the fact that we’re talking in English).

“It’s something like that, work stuff. I won a contest and my hard work is being paid with community service and this trip.“

Not a change in his expression. But I’d like to think I can see relief in his eyes and that his body seems more relaxed.

“That sounds like a great opportunity for you, depending on what you have to do“

“Yeah it’s great. I haven’t adjusted yet but it’s been great so far“

He drops his arm and adopts another stance.

He seems to be about to say something, but the waitress interrupts it. Two coffees and two cakes. We thank the waitress and start eating. God, this is too much for my fragile mind (whoops, I’m starting to talk like my friend). I don’t want to fuck this over so I’ll try my best at deep breath without making it too obvious. That’ll help me brace myself to whatever happens tonight. Guess you’ll never be prepared for the important things.

“Are you okay? “

“Sorry, I’m just worried about it haha… Are you from here? “

That’s actually truth, and something that I realized the moment I said it.

"Yeah, could say so. I work here doing something similar. But-" he chuckled “Don’t think I’ll let it slide. You are going to do fine! I’m sure. I've never met a stranger so eager to apologize or caring about bothering strangers in a place where nobody will know.“

…

“Really?“ My turn to be nothing but surprised and a little embarrassed. I can’t fight the smile forming in my lips when he answers.

“Suuure. And I’m going to eat your cake if you won’t.“

“Right, haha. Thank you.“

“ By the way, I work with technology and all that too, but it’s mostly boring work doing small apps and websites. Nothing too complex, like the local bookstore wants it’s own website so you can order online and use coupons. Nothing fancy.“

“ I’m more about local and mobile apps, although I’m not that good. I’m learning as I pull it out. Like this one. I won because they liked the idea."

“That’s what matters, you can always learn what you need. And hey, now I can lend you a hand too. If you are in trouble you can always ask agent 70- I mean, sorry”

He takes a moment, maybe to reconsider clearing that or not. He starts to speak again.

“I like to play around like if I were some sort of … hero when it comes to work. It helps me relax, you know? Now you know my darkest secrets, how embarrassing."

“I feel you. And don’t worry! You’re already my hero for what you said earlier“ –shit.

He laughs in a full and bright smile for the first time. I need to learn to shut up and maybe tone down my language. At least he seems to be enjoying it.

“Wow, you totally get me. You gotta play around so the ideas flow!!!”

“And what will be the name of this secret agent?”

“Agent 707! Defender of justice!”

The awkwardness vanished, like this is the 707 I know. From then we chat like two old friends who haven’t seen each other in a long time. He tells me about this figure, agent 707.

“You can call me Seven. I rarely use my name anyways”

“It suits you better agent 707.”

He smiles. It’s hard not to play along.

“I gotta go”

“Hmm, Can I… get your number?”

(Completely normal thing to say, right? Completely normal).

“Well, I lost my phone a couple of days ago.”

“That’s bad…”

“I come here often tho. We could meet here again until I can get a new one. Do you have a pen?”

“No” I say with my head. He stood up and walked to the barista. I followed him, waited while he talked with her. He came back with a small piece of paper: a flyer of the cafeteria, and a red pen.

“That’s it, this way you know when to find me. If you give me your number I can send you a text when I get a new phone.”

He splits the flyer. I wrote my number down as well as my email because one never knows, right? Right. But this doesn’t feel clear enough.

“So… see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah. I’ll be here.”

“It was nice to meet you, Seven.”

“Yeah, I- it was nice to meet you too. Bye.”

I watch him disappear again. Schedule of possible encounters in hand.

-Today at 23:45-

Mian: I talked with him

Mian: And also managed to finish my work

Mian: At least the planning part

Mian: Most productive night in a LONG TIME

Mian: I didn’t get his number, he said that he lost his phone

Mian: But I gave him mine and he gave me some schedule of how many times and when he usually goes to that cafeteria where we can chat while I go bankrupt

Mian: At first he said that his name was john but later he told me to call him seven and he talked about being agent 707 and played around too so I’d say it’s the same person?????

Mian: Anyways ;)))

Mian: We’ll meet tomorrow x)

laughsassin: ???

laughsassin: how smooth are you?

laughsassin: who are you? I don’t know you

laughsassin: what did you do to my friend??

laughsassin: now’s not the time to spare details, did you seriously managed to pass the dream hubby and develop some sort of relationship with a game construct?

laughsassin: does that mean the rest of the rfa exists too?

laughsassin: even the blonde one?

laughsassin: no wait

laughsassin: the rabbit-like albino?

laughsassin: no no wait wait wait

laughsassin: EVEN THE BILLIONAIRE HEIR??

Mian: What

Chapter Text

That night I couldn’t sleep, I kept rolling in my bed like some teenager who just got asked out by his childhood crush and honestly, emotions? I’d like to say ‘gross’ but I promised myself I would be beyond the emotional constipation that was my life before. I breathed in and out, steading my breath until I was able to fell unconscious.

The following day I was nonstop, preparing and checking that everything would be perfect for the... meeting. It’s not a date, not a date. Or kinda? A friendly-date? What matters is that Seven is ok seeing me again and that is enough to fuel excitement through my body.

I won’t be here for long, If I want to spend more time with him, I should finish my work as soon as possible. Or else-

I stop for a moment; I was rummaging through my clothes, trying to find the best outfit. I feel the motivation, the excitement to just live that I haven’t felt in months. Maybe years. I want to calm down, why is my brain in either “everything is bland” mode or producing stimuli like a shooting star? I walk to my ‘desk’ that truly, is just a part of the kitchen table where I placed my laptop. My friend hasn’t answered since yesterday, he’s probably busy but he seemed really interested in the RFA. Can’t blame him, after all, the prospect of an albino (who also bragged to be the most handsome man in the world and is probably right) and a billionaire heir, isn’t bad to hear. If I could talk with such personalities, it would really be something. Not just them, the rest of the RFA too, they were real nice. Kind and warm, even Saeran when he was able to talk.

…

Saeran, I wonder if he’s fine.

…

Take it slow, Mian. You can do this.

The wooden chair emits a creek as I sit down to web search. I start with the safer name: Jumin Han. After a couple of minutes without meaningful results, I wonder if my browser is too biased or if I should write his name in Korean. However, I don’t try harder. What if I find something that I can’t accept? I am powerless right now and I barely talked with Seven, whose existence still messes with my psyche.

Yep, bad idea. Not so fast soldier, better leave it for now.

Cielle can search it later if he wants to.

------------------------------------------------

When I reach the cafeteria it’s 7:45pm, Seven said he would be here at 8pm. But when I’m pushing the door, I see him approaching from the stairs that lead to the second floor. He greets me with a wave, a smile on his face.

“Seven?”

“Mian! It’s nice to see you.”

The familiar tone in such a friendly greeting makes me smile too.

“It’s nice to see you too. I didn’t know you’ll be so early.” Can’t help sounding apologetic.

“Don’t worry about it, you’re early yourself.” he brushed his neck with his hand. “Come here, guess you haven’t been on the second floor yet, right?”

We sit on a table beside a window, which goes from floor to ceiling. I watch the artificial lights of outside reflected in Seven, a symphony of colors. Blue, red, yellow and violet.

“How was your day?” Seven asks, probably ignorant of my staring.

“I had a nice day, what you told me yesterday really helped me focus. How was yours?”

“I finished my work!!! Yesterday I was reaaaally stressed so I came here to take a break. After we played around my batteries were charged so I went home and taugh those lines of code who’s the best! Then I slept all day after weeks of sleep deprivation and even had a feast of nutritious food for once too. ”

“That’s great! I’m glad you got proper rest and food but... how did something like that happened?”

“I know! It’s just that my deadlines are crazy. I have clients that pay more and expect me to turn possible the impossible. I mean, There’s nothing I can’t do! But sometimes, I like to take it easy too.”

“You can’t turn down their offers?”

“I wish I could. It’s hard to-” He takes a moment to complete it “work as a freelancer. I have to deliver only the best of the best. Gotta build a reputation y’know” He says bitterly.

‘John Doe’, ‘small boring projects’… I want to lie to myself and think that he isn’t working for the agency, but It sounds just like that.

“Anyways, I’m glad you are doing fine. You seemed really tired yesterday.”

“That’s such a weird thing to notice” he admits embarrassed “Like you’ve known me from ages, like from a different timeline!” I grimace for a second before forcing myself to look thoughtful. Knowing him from before it’s kind of true in a sense. But it still hits different. And why does that sound oddly romantic? Control yourself Mian.

“It was just too obvious” I lie, I shallow the guilt. I know I shouldn’t know so much. He stays silent. Maybe I should say something that’s true.

 “A different timeline? Why does that sound like the story of the tragic lovers that reincarnate in an alternate world. You know the one that's about two penpals-” shit shit shit “when they first met they felt a connection like they’ve known each other all their lives and-” SHUT UP BRAIN! Oh my god? I am even gesticulating all that trash? ”they realize they’re meant to be together from the start” clap “they face multiple trials but eventually end together and form a family” AAAHHH! “hahaha” fuck.

I laugh because I can’t believe my own stupidity and he laughs too, at least that’s a relief. Way to go, Mian. Terrific.

“That’s, wow. I don’t even know where to start!” He laughs again. My ability to spill shit is only challenged by my ability to blush and get embarrassed from stuff I just said. I facepalm.

 “Where did that come from, Mian?” I want to know too! I’m just so stupid.

“It’s the title of a movie.”

“What?” His eyes go wide and his smile disappears. I know, I know. My hand retreats from holding my face.

“I know, I know. But it’s true. There’s a movie out there whose title is literally the complete plot. What a way to spoil the fun, yes. But guess some people might appreciate knowing the pining would pay off eventually and that it ends well.”

His smile comes back.

“How- How do you know it? How do you find something like that?” he chuckles.

“I don’t know. My friend likes to watch the strangest movies, he spends a lot of time looking for ‘hidden gems’. Like homemade movies, independent movies or.” I pause to make the gesture for increased effect “ ’ironic’ movies. I watch some with him sometimes. His frustrated dream is to be a film director.”

“He sounds passionate about it. Why is it a frustrated dream tho?"

“I think that one you should ask him yourself. I’m sure you’d get along.”

“I’d love to watch some of those movies too!”

“Oh yes, we can have a watch party!”

“That would be great!” He laughts shyly. “I still can’t believe this”

“What?”

“Talking with you is really nice. Even that friend of yours, I haven’t met him yet, and I already feel like liking him just for the way you talk about him. Are you a friendship wizard or something?”

“Oh. I- Don’t think so??? Maybe it’s just you being so nice it’s easy to talk with you”

“Hey! Don’t counter my compliment with another compliment!”

“I regret nothing. And I think we should go downstairs and actually buy something to eat.”

“About that, don’t worry. That’s for take out and the impatient ones. Someone should come here in a couple of minutes, we can chat while we wait.”

“Got it”

Silence. I’ve never been the type to start conversation so I just resume my staring at him. He looks uncomfortable, whoops.

“Haha, it’s there something you want to ask?”

“No I just, I like the lighting.” I look through the window, the landscape that created the combination that I dig so much “Everything looks great, a scene from a movie or something. I’d like to take a picture, but pictures lack the fullness of experiencing it with your eyes.”

“Oh, That’s true. I kind of understand how you get along with your friend. Do you like taking pictures?”

“No, but I like staring and burning everything in my mind even if I know I won’t go back to it later. I like how it feels, it distracts me. It’s relaxing.”

“I understand. You know. When I feel depressed, I stare at the sky. Try that when you feel down” wait, this is- “The sky is right up there, but people don’t really look at it. Unless you work near an observatory or on a boat… Don’t you think that’s such a shame?”

He told me this exact thing through the phone that one time.

“It won’t be bad” he continues “To look up at the sky and yell ‘Defender of justice Seven Zero Seven, help me!’ too. There’s a 0.0001% chance I might appear right in front of your eyes.”

“I wish that percentage wasn’t so low”

“Huh? Oh- right. But it’s better than nothing! You-“

The prophecy is complete; someone really came here to offer us menus to order. Seven orders the same as yesterday and I order regular coffee, less bitter and even with whipped cream now.

The waiter leaves. We resume chatting, this time about meaningless things like movies and music. His laughter brings me back to those dreams. Those days were some of the best I’ve ever had, I even thought it was a form of a self-defense system my brain produced to make me happy. It’s bittersweet, laughing and having a great time with someone like him. I shallow that feeling for the sake of enjoying this moment.

After a couple of minutes, the waiter comes back with our order and we continue chatting and laughing. There’s a point when my coffee is already cold, and we’re chatting about some obscure series, which helps me forget.

“And there’s Carmen, she was like the NPC who says a line and then is forgotten. A bland, plain character who was like a rock in the scenario” I really wanted to like her. So much potential, wasted.  “I can’t understand why they gave her the fate to end up with Alan! We got to know Alan through lots of different perspectives, he had one of the best redemption and character arcs I’ve ever seen. Then, one day they tell us they end together? Why? How? Why?? I mean, I can’t blame Carmen for wanting to be with him” Who wouldn’t? “But there’s literally nothing Alan could have seen in her. The cabbage from the beach episode had more personality and even impact in the plot than her.”

“I was rushing my marathon of the episodes until Alan appeared. I read somewhere that the producers considered pairing him with Lea but changed their mind midway. And there was this weird comment about Alan experimenting the patience and acceptance that he never felt from his mother through Carmen”

“What? Really?! First, Freud would be proud. Second, wasn’t part of his path about not needing anyone’s acceptance? And Lea, they would have been great really, but I always felt there was someone better for him” No way I’m telling him I’m talking about Alan’s best friend. “It really is strange. At least I’ll give it that Alan’s mother really affected him even if it wasn’t that obvious in the series. She wasn’t exactly a bad person, but she shouldn’t had have kids.”

“Yeah, there’s a lot of people like that” he stares though the window ”Another season or an epilogue would be great. We know that Alan wanted to form a family. But we never got to see how that worked out.”

“That’s true.”

“Do you ever dream about having a family?”

“Eh- I don’t know” I try not to think about it.

“Same. I always tell myself that I’m sure I don’t want anything of that. However, sometimes I wonder, is it an actual possibility? Same as when Alan would ask himself the same when he still had a long way to grow as a person.”

“I think it makes sense for some people but happiness means different things depending on the person. People change so it’s ok not having all the answers. That last one is what, mmh, someone close to me would say.”

“From your family?”

“Yes. It’s complicated.”

“Oh, I understand.”

Now or never “What about you? How’s your family? Do you have any siblings?”

“No. I’m an only child. You?”

Huh?

“Stepbrothers and stepsisters. I don’t know much about them tho. I rarely see them.”

“Why?”

“Some are married, some live by themselves elsewhere. Our age gap is like that.” Damn, I don’t want to talk about it. I’d like to know more about him, not bore him with this. He keeps ignoring the important questions “Do you ever wonder what an alternate version of your life would be?” fuck, that was rushed. Just keep talking, please.

“I don’t know. Do you?”

A dead end.

I sigh.

“Sometimes.”

------------------------

I wake up to the sound of birds chirping. Ugh, what time is it?I stand up and take a couple of steps to see through the window.

It is that perfect time before the sunrise, the perfect weather to go back to bed.

The air is fresh, impressive for a city- Wait, it can't be.

------------------------

Bump, This time I wake up for good. Dreams inside dreams, I don't like that. It lefts me with an odd feeling, anxiety mixed with confusion.

It's been a week since I met Seven, Everyday I would see him one way or another, but today is a "not available" day. I wake up as someone who just finished their favorite series and now, don’t know what to do with their life.

Clothes? Nah, I'm comfy with my apple pajama print.

The past days I'd prepare breakfast early, so I stick to that. However, today I have something more simple. A boiled egg, an apple and lots of tea... 

I want to go back to bed...

No, Mian. You should work on the app.

Last night, Seven told me he should work on a new project so I asked him to give me his email so we can chat via message. I hope I’m not being pushy but fuck if I ever know how to do this things. He was unsure, but gave me an email. I say “an email” because it doesn’t look like his personal email. It’s more like those temporal emails you use because you have to register on a sketchy site and then proceed to forget about it 10 minutes later. 

I open my message app to find several unread messages of Cielle. Seems like he tried searching for the RFA members but couldn’t find anything. I push myself to the kitchen chair and turn on my computer, maybe he couldn’t find anything since it is in Korean. It is public information, so there must be something.

---

…There isn’t anything, I spent an hour searching through the registers of all Korean Charities and couldn’t find anything. The RFA doesn’t exist.

I try something different, input “Jumin Han”, input “Zen theater actor”.

------------------------

-Today at 23:45-

Mian: [sent a photo]

Mian: [sent a photo]

Mian: [sent a photo]

laughsassin: so bunny actor and billionare hwir are real 2

laughsassin: heir*

laughsassin: this is good material

laughsassin: real good

laughsassin: can you imagine

laughsassin: I can turn this into a screenplay or something, first one a joke to build our audience, second one so great everyone will clap like an army of moths around a light about to summon THE moth and ready to do some crimesss

Mian: I see you’ve been drinking. Remember to drink water and lay down.

laughsassin: don’t worry got everything covered

laughsassin: and also how can an actor that unique go unnoticed, what’s wrong with everyone reallyyyyy

Cielle rants for a while, briefing mentioning how “cool” would be to meet the them and how unreal everything seems. I understand, unlike me, it’s the first time he saw a member of the RFA. I stare at my computer, what should I do? Yesterday’s chat with Seven left me uneasy. What if he doesn’t want to talk with me anymore?

It’s ok, I try to comfort myself, as I read the email he wrote. Someone can find many things through an email. For starters, one could look in a database, check if it was pawned or something. Because if it was, it will tell which service had the leak. With the service, one could find the user. With the user, country codes, other connections and maybe, even the ip code? With the ip, the exact address if the person didn’t use a VPN or —Nah, that’s probably unrealistic. Nothing less to expect with my close to zero skills in cyber security.

However, If Seven really were a hacker, the best hackers couldn’t track him. That means that if someone were to be tracked, that would be me. Right, I can test if he’s a hacker by giving myself away on purpose. Let’s see, what could be easy to check for a professional hacker?

…I have no idea.

Hmm… I remember he said something about checking MC’s internet history? Yeah, that will do.

Shit, it is already plagued with “RFA”, “Jumin Han” and “Zen musical theater”. Unless… Phew, I gave him that email I use to watch videos. I’ll try searching something that can’t be ignored. This is for scientific purposes.

…

And I have the perfect prospect.

------------------------

Another day, another chance. Yesterday I couldn’t focus on my work, I played some games to relax and set a schedule to actually start working on the app. Today I took my sweet time doing breakfast as I prepare for another friendly appointment. I check my phone frequently; it is always in silence, so I have to stay alert. I finish checking my email for new messages that don’t involve social media or promotions or- fine, I checked if Seven sent me an email.

He hadn’t.

I move on to Cielle complaining about his poor life decisions. Everything ready, I should work on the app.

...

“Mian! you’re early today as well.”

“Seven, it’s nice to see you.”

We sit near the window, on the second floor as the last time. My worries about our last chat vanish. He is bright as always.

“So, do you live here?”

“Yes, although I travel sometimes. How long are you staying here, Mian?”

“For about two months, I can ask for another week or maybe two if I have a reason to stay.”

“What would that reason be?”

“The promotion of the app, exploring around, adding extra features to the app. It’d be more about if I’m willing to miss the first weeks of next semester. I could even stay just because  I want to keep hanging out with someone.”

“Wow Mian, are you flirting with me?”

My mind went at 300% its usual capacity. “No! What? I didn’t thought it that way”  Would be my instant reply, however, three different possible replies came to my mind, like a dating sim:

a)“What? No.” (I really didn’t had such intentions but-)

b)”What? *proceeds to laugh*”

c)”No unless you want me to ;)”

I’m sick of waiting for something to change. Of giving mild reactions and getting mediocre results. I want to do something about my life!!! What if I'm already dead and just having a nice dream about some 2D that I liked talking to me on the flesh? Then act as you would on a game without the judgement of third parties. In the heat of the moment, I gather confidence and say:

“No, unless you want me to.” with a blank face.

“Huh?” His face went WOOOOO. Completely red and surprised in embarrassment. Mission accomplish! Wait, was it my goal? Oh no, I really did say that. Shit, I have no idea what to do now. Re-start, save, load!!!! AHHHH-

“It’s hard to know if you’re messing with me or being serious. Hahaha. We’d have a problem if you were honest about that.” And just gives me a look.

Hold on, HOLD on. Is he taking it seriously? Really willing to accept something like that and give me an honest reply? IS THIS REAL LIFE? Holy fuck. I might as well go big or go home.

“What if it were?” I try to sound the right amount of calm. If this goes to shit, al least I want to be able to recover some dignity and say it was a joke.

“There’s no case.” He says contemplative. “I’m-“ You, what? He pauses for a couple of seconds that feel like a pocket eternity, like gathering his thoughts. “Well-” Now he wears a devilish grin, satisfaction all written on his face. Scary and I-wont-say-hot-sue-me in equal measures. “It can’t be because I’m way better at pick-up lines. You’d be destroyed if you want to play this game.” I have no idea what he’s taking about but feel the ache to play along.

“Are you scared?”

“Ha, absolutely not, babe” he has the nerve to wink at me.

Woah, is this like banter but, with flirting? Did something like that existed? Woah, I missed so many friendship mechanics. Here lies my pride, it never helped me shit. May it rest in peace.

“ You don’t sound so sure, sweetheart. But I can teach you any day, anytime you like.”

“I must warn you, I read the three volumes of Expert Playboy. If you’re not careful, I might bite."

“Do you think that would back me off, honey? You bark a lot. But can you keep your word to it? I’ll be delighted to see, shortcake.”

“So that’s how we’re playing? Didn’t expect you to be so bold. Take me to dinner first.”

“Hey, isn’t that sort of what we’re doing right now? You break my heart.”

“I broke your heart? You didn’t get me flowers or asked me for my future plans. I’m offended”

“Shit, you are right. My heartfelt apologies, applepie. I wasn’t on a right mind but we can still make that happen. Bring the candle lights and poor life decisions.”

“Pfffff Were have you been all my life?”

“In your heart, you just missed the-“

“I mean, really. Jokes aside, you are amazing, You totally get me! I feel like I could do this all day.”

“Uh, um. Playing around with me?”

“Talking to you. I haven’t known you for long, Mian. But you are really a good friend. I feel like I can be myself whenever I’m with you. Whether it is fooling around or just chatting. It’s refreshing”

…

“I’m glad. You are a great person to hang out with, a- good friend.”

------------------------

-Today at 23:45-

Mian: hey

Mian: how do you make a friend?

No reply. He must be busy.

Am I really doing the right thing?

Chapter Text

“Hey, Mian!”

“Hello, Seven. How have you been?”

I don’t comment on the time. No matter how early I try to be, he’s always earlier. This coffee-friendly-dates are getting old. Not that being with Seven can become boring, more like “I’d like to see his reaction to another activity”. We get to business, which is chatting. But Seven is somewhat quiet.

“Is something wrong?”

“Yeah. I mean, no. Everything is fine. Its just that I got this project and it’s leaving me exhausted. Neverending….”

“Oh, That’s bad… Don’t strain yourself, remember to take care of yourself and relax every now and then.”

“I’ll try”

He goes quiet.

“Hey! What if we do something different today? Have you been to an arcade?”

“Yep, but it’s been some time since the last time I went”

“Well, It’s been long since the last time you went to one and I’ve never been to one. It’s the perfect moment to pay a visit!”

“That would be fun” he smiles.

Not a single second wasted, we stand up and go to that arcade I discovered that day I was looking for him. Seems like a long time, I can’t believe I’m with him now. The dazzling lines and noise of the games blur my thoughts until all I say is “It looks awesome!”.

We play a lot of games, Seven destroys me in each and every one of them. But we still have fun anyways. I never give up without a fight. When we are done with the shooters and claw machines, we move on to the dance machine. Seven takes off his coat and I do the same with my jacket. One of the things that help me relax is exercising. It’s been some time since the last time I trained hard but I still keep my body on point. We go easy at first but increase the difficulty and become more competitive as time pass by.  My stamina is nothing to look down to but Seven seems as fresh as when we start while I’m slowly getting tired.

We reach a point when my body moves out of mental strength, he seems happy, that’s why I don’t want to stop. But I can’t endure forever, I feel a nerve in my leg like a thread that is being pulled, I’m not fast enough to react so I fall down and Seven trips with my body.

I fall on my butt, I’m quick to massage my leg and toe to get rid of the cramp. I search for Seven with my eyes, to apologize. However, I mouth stands still and open when I find him.

His t-shirt run up to his ribs, that fall must hurt, but what’s unnerving is the view of his torso. Which is- full of scars, bruises and cuts; some new, some older.  In a matter of seconds, he gets over the surprise and when he notices my staring, he puts his t-shirt in place with superhuman speed. I close my mouth that were still open and manage to talk.

“I’m sorry, my leg… Are you ok?”

“Yeah! That surprised me, that’s all, hahaha. Don’t worry, d-does it still hurt?”

“It’s ok”

He stands up and offers me a hand.

“Can you get up?”I take his hand. “Wanna grab a coffee?” he asks while he helps me. We walk to the exit.

“It’ll be nice, like sweet old times” I smile but wonder how to bring up what I saw. “Seven?”

“Yes! Um, yes?”

“Well, why are you full of bruises?”

He sighs. “Ah~ I hoped you would ignore it” Expression? Hopeless.

It’s my turn to sigh. “Sorry Seven, you don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to. And sorry for ruining the fun”

“No, no! It’s fine.” He takes his time to answer, soon enough we are out of the Arcade. I breath the night breeze but it doesn’t relax me. “I… fell down the stairs. Were so tired I forgot where I was for a moment. The cuts… I was cleaning so I had this sharp stuff in my hands when it happened. I’ll take your word and be more careful from now on. Don’t need to worry, ok?” He offers me a smile that says ‘Everything is going to be alright’. But the nature of his wounds warned me that it wasn’t the first time, neither the last.

“And Mian, don’t feel bad about it. It was sudden but that doesn’t change the great night we had. We can always come back if we want and take it easy this time. We both got pretty competitive.”

“Yeah, didn’t feel like that in a long time”

“Oh no. Mian?”

“Is something wrong?”

“I lost track of time, It’s pretty late and I need to finish some stuff. We can have that coffee tomorrow.”

“Isn’t tomorrow a ‘Not available’ day?”

“Damn, that’s correct”

I don’t care about the coffee, I wish I could help him. ‘Fell the stairs’ my scratched ass, he looked so sad I wanted to (friendly)hug him.

“We can do something when you have time, Seven. Just let me know, I want to make out for what happened there.”

“Yeah we- wait, what?”

Shit-

“Made up for what happened there?”

“Right, hahaha. Seems like you’re tired too. Well, see you later. Check my schedule I’ll be faithful to my word.  Laterz.”

“Bye.”

Shitx2.

--

The walk home is melancholic, what happened there? Even if I were to fool myself that what Seven said is true, those scars don’t lie. He’s onto something, something dangerous that I have no way to find out. Even if he really isn’t a hacker, there’s something he isn’t telling me. And I can’t blame him. I don’t know which part is me just being nosy and which part is me trying to help because I care about him. The question stands, but something else is lingering between the lines. What’s wrong with me? That was totally uncalled. But maybe I can understand why that happened.

Until now, I’ve been fantasizing the idea of being with Seven, romantically. Of falling in love and eventually being together. However, all those times I didn’t consider his feelings, his needs. What he needs isn’t romance, he needs a friend. Someone whom he can be himself, someone whom he can be honest about his situation without the difficulties of love. Yoosung? In that universe, they would hang out together, make jokes (more like Yoosung being the joke) and have fun. But Seven would never let Yoosung know about his worries, his life, his true self. He would live with a mask to protect himself and others.

The price of living like that is high with no gain. Like existing for the sake of others believing that everything is fine, everything is right. That’s bullshit. In the end, no one cares about you. And if they did, they wouldn’t ask you to act like the happy customer of an infomercial. A plastic, cheap fabrication made of sugar and capitalism.

I wish I knew more about him, about his true self and worries. I should ignore everything I saw on those dreams and focus on the person in front of me, I’m sick of expecting, of trying to fill the gaps with probabilities. What if he is? What if he isn’t? I don’t care anymore. What gives me the right to make assumptions about someone else’s life? While I was fantasizing about weird shit that happened in my life, he was hurting. Maybe I could’ve noticed sooner if I weren’t so eager to find what’s real and what isn’t.

Yeah, what he needs isn’t romance. Or to be more specific, my half-accidental awkward advances. That, without doubt, would lead to misery (for me) and the lost of someone he thought could be a friend (for him). We can joke, right? Friends can do that… or so I’ve heard. I’ll play along and listen to anything he has to say. This is better, no point in being selfish and asking for something that even if I could share it with him, wouldn’t know how to handle.

This is fine. This is what’s right.

--

-Yesterday at 23:45-

Mian: hey

Mian: how do you make a friend?

-Today at 12:40-

laughsassin: you talk, discuss common interests, spend time together

laughsassin: it takes time

laughsassin: why do you ask?

laughsassin: did something happen with seven?

laughsassin: or did you meet someone new?

laughsassin: don’t worry mian just be yourself. It’ll be alright

laughsassin: and if it doesn’t, then you two just didn’t connect and that’s ok too

laughsassin: that’s what you told me

laughsassin: and I believe it

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey! I feel like shit. But Seven and I (sort of?) promised to hang out today. It’d be naïve of him to believe I’ll forget the little details of what doesn’t look like a healthy lifestyle but I’ve decided to not pry and ask him about it. I’m getting anxious all the same so let’s just get this over with.

I take my coat and feel the fresh night wind in my lungs. I’m seriously going bankrupt with all these escapades. I don’t even like coffee that much and the sugar is starting to mess with my health- yes, my immune system is shit. Let’s just forget how imperfect is this. At least I’m actually trying new things, things that are good for my life as a whole.

Even if the situation is ridiculous, the boost of energy I get for its sole existence is enough to make it worth it. To inspire me to wake up and make breakfast, to shower and wear nice clothes. To try and do my best, it’s a little mediocre try. But maybe I can improve if I let myself be mediocre and take it slow? It’s better than neglecting even the smallest tasks…

As I get closer to the street, I can already notice Seven. He’s standing outside the cafeteria, coffee in hand. Was… he waiting for me like that this whole time?

“Hey, Mian! I know we were going for coffee but I thought you should see this place a couple of streets away.” he hands me the cup.

“Hey. Thank you. It’d be nice, just lead the way!”

It’s a path I’ve never tried, I’m worried about walking through empty streets at night but I trust him so I follow. We don’t say much, the coffee warms up my cold hands in this cold night. It’s a matter of minutes before the street becomes more illuminated by what looks like a fair in the middle of the road. A sentence comes from within me and since its banned from my vocabulary, it makes its home in my throat yearning for an exit. As I swallow the words, Seven’s voice brings me back to reality.

“Do you think you have space for dinner?”

“Actually, yes. It’ll be great to eat something right now.”

“Do you do spicy food?”

It’s kind of a loaded question for me.

“Yeah. I like it” I simply answer. The lights, music and sight of the crowd distracts me from my thoughts.

Is that…

“Street food! Hell yesss. I want to taste everything this city has to offer”

“Have you tasted some of it before?”

“Not, yet.”

“Really? Not evenspicy rice cakes?”

“Nothing, the most traditional meal I’ve had was pork-something and that bean cake we had at the cafeteria. I’ve been here for barely a week. I just finished unpacking when I met you.”

“Well Mian, today’s your lucky day! You’ll taste the seven circles of street food with your host here, Sevenny.”

“Let the feast begin!”

We walk to the first booth.

“This is korean tempura. I figured we better leave the spicy stuff for later so we have more space for the final surprise! How many, my good sir?”

“I want one here and three for- wait” I reach for my pocket to check how many money I have. “I didn’t expect this so I need to-“

“Oh, don’t worry. Today, everything is on me!”

I stare incredulous.

“Are you serious? You don’t have to…”

“Why, Mian, It’s the least I can do as your host today. Please don’t hold back. My job may give me a lot of issues but at least it pays well.”

“Well… I don’t know how I could repay you”

“Hahaha! You don’t have to. C’mon-” he approaches the server. “Two here and three for takeout. Thank you” he says in Korean.

“Thank you, Seven” a smile.

As I take a bite, I can feel the grease enhancing the flavor and the crunch. This is heaven. It is over way too soon and Seven smiles at me.

“Wow, it looked like you really liked it!”

“Yes. It is very delicious, sir, Thank you very much” I say, the server nods happily. We step aside to avoid getting in the way.

“I didn’t know you could speak Korean!”

“It’s not the best but I understand a couple of things.” I reply a little embarrassed. I’m self conscious about my pronunciation.

“I can help you with that if you want. I’m really good at learning languages!”

“Oh, a polyglot? How many?”

“Fluent in eight, my good sir.” He winks at the last remark as it were nothing. I can’t hide my surprise and something comes to my mind.

“Español?”

“Afirmativo, ¿hablamos así por el resto de la feria?”

“Mejor no, quizá después.” people would stare at us more.

“Oh well, but then how do you know it?”

“Actually, English is my second language”

“For real? I wouldn’t have guessed!”

I take a little pride in that.

“I can say the same about you”

We order some dumplings, Delicious! When my mouth is clear I continue. “And really, eight languages? That’s beyond awesome. Which ones?”

He takes his time to finish munching the last bite.

“Wanna guess?”

“Hmm.” I take another bite and speak when I’m done with it- “French, German, Chinese, Japanese and… Tagalog?”

“You are very close. That can guarantee. Wanna move to the next?”

Mouth full I nod yes.

We continue the night, tasting from rice cakes to fish shaped buns.

“The final boss is here! Spicy fried chicken <3” He finished with a heart sign.

While he orders I just think about how lucky am I to have met someone like him. Bullshit aside. He really is a wonderful friend.

“Hey, Mian! Regular spicy or extra spicy?”

I reply happily as I go closer.

“Show me what you got!”

---

“You’d be surprised! There are people that hang out until the break of dawn. Or even drink. It’s normal here to be asked to spent the entire night drinking and be on time the next day”

“That sounds scary! How can anyone put up with that?”

“I know! I’m glad I don’t have to do anything like that. Specially the drinking part.” he sips his tea. “I don’t like drinking…”

I feel guilty at that. Seven must have noticed.

“Oh, do you like it? I don’t have a problem if you like it! It’s just not my thing.”

“I like the taste sometimes. Nothing specific, just- trying different flavors. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don’t. I know it’s still poison so I don’t overdo it, even when no matter how much I slipped, it seems like I can’t get drunk anyways”

“That… may be now. Just, think about yourself.” He smiles.

“Hey, Seven.”

“Yes?”

“Thank you. For everything. I haven’t had so much fun in a while. It’s been… one of the best days in my life. And all that… I… owe it to you. Thank you.”

“Aww, you’re gonna make me wanna cry!” he puts me closer with his arm around me, resting in my shoulders. Like bros do. “No need to thank me. I’ve had a lot of fun too! I’d be nice if we could do this again.”

“Yeah.” No hope, no fear. Just harmony. The feel of living in the moment.

---

Ring. A ring wakes me up from my thoughts, I just got home from one of the best nights in my life. I’m still smiling, I even have food for the next week!

Oh, it’s a message from the org that put me here. Yes, I understand they would like me to show my progress. It’s only natural. It’s very late anyways so I’ll leave it for tomorrow. I’m tired.

--------------------------

Everything is black. Not in the sense of emptiness. It feels so full of everything I could possibly imagine that the image gets distorted and all I see is black. It’s cold and it burns me from inside. I feel watched and It’s starting to become smooth, liquid necrosis that wraps me up and vomits me from inside.

Too much, I’m starting to suffocate.

I reach for my lungs like a lost animal who forgot how to breathe. Panic is here, hey, old friend. Where were you when I almost died for being reckless.

There’s a knot in my throat, it’s tight so I might go for it first. However, my vision became blurry. Something warm is escaping from my eyes. Don’t leave the ship yet, get back to work, fuck. But my hands are useless. Oh, I see.

I’m shivering.

I’m getting dizzy and out of air. Let me just- yes. This is better. Close your eyes.

Let me be one with the sea.

…

…huh?

Something warm is helping me reach the top. Wait. Was I really struggling that much to reach for it? My arms are useless at this point.

Guess I’m a hypocrite even in my own mind.

The black is replaced with something I can just describe as blinding light, so much of it is bathing me and embracing me back to life. So warm I might lose myself.

You are right, I didn’t want to be one with the sea. I wanted to see the sky at least once before…

I see the credits.

---

New day, new me… Not exactly.

But everything feels fresh and new, it almost smells like a new toy. I had a vivid dream but that’s all. Gotta focus on the now. Right?

The people who put me here want to see results and oh boy I’m going to show them results. I just need to make a report and- is that a wrapper? Has my apartment always looked this messy? I’ve barely lived here and it’s already like this. I should clea- No. I need to work on the app. That’s why I’m here! Maybe I can do juuuust a little today, so I don’t have to mentally prepare tomorrow.

…

I can’t believe it’s been six hours already.

I feel motivated but… why can’t I bring myself to do it? I feel like someone took all the action buttons in my game.

This is going splendid, truly.

Argh, why am I like this? I made a lot of progress! I just have to wrap it up and prepare the presentation.

I plop in my bed and stare at the ceiling. I’ve heard a lor about semi basements, it’s a miracle I didn’t end up in one with my budget.

What about… re-reading messages?

-Today at 2:58-

Mian: and to finish we ate the traditional signature 100% real no fake fried chicken!! It was so good I’m going to miss it when I go back. I wonder if I can smuggle some

Mian: it was amazing

-Today at 9:06-

Laughsassin: That’s great Mian 

Laughsassin: Sounds like he already knows how to win you

Laughsassin: first and only step: feed you

Laughsassin: the stake is really high right now

Laughsassin: wonder how he’ll crush it on your next date

Laughsassin: keep me updated ;)

So he answered, Gotta reply.

Mian: About that

Mian: I decided that I better keep my distance. Not that the other route was even a possibility

Mian: But I mean focusing on being his friend and not making him uncomfortable by slipping awkward advances so

Mian: Friendship

Mian: Forever

Mian: And ever (:

Mian: he’s just a great friend how could I blew it like that so that’s all. More hang outs but bros first and last

Laughsassin: he said like he believed in his words

Laughsassin: but ok, won’t press it

Laughsassin: talk to you later I need to finish something

Mian: wish you the best

How mysterious, he usually tells me what he’s up to. He’ll tell me later so anyway, how do I solve my problem? I’ve been staring at the screen for hours.

I split and turn. I can’t stop thinking about the whole situation, about Seven. Maybe if I worked on that I would be able to focus? Makes sense and also… Yesterday I was so fucking close to… saying something inappropriate.

The rest of the day plays like autopilot. At night. Seven tells me that the work that’s draining him has to do something with data analysis with an org. And because of confidentiality, he can’t really talk about it.

We discussed movies and fooled around as always but in the end, I had to tell Seven that I would be absent for the rest of the week since I need to really work on the app. He didn’t comment on that. “It’s fine. Good luck on your work!” he said.

Going out with him has been… nice to say the least. A real change in my life. Whenever I knew I would meet him, I could feel a drive to do my best. Even now, when I think about him, I want to become a better person. However, I can’t fully focus when I know I’ll meet him. The irony, I know. Even when I’m pushing myself to work because of that.

At day one I already felt his absence, at day two I was ready to give up. Predicting he would be at the same cafeteria. ‘I could pass by’–I would often tell myself. However, what kind of person would I be if I didn’t keep my promises? If I did anything but the reason an opportunity such as meeting Seven appeared in my life? So I’d stay at home, focus on my work. Telling myself “I’ll have more time to have fun with him if I get this done sooner”.

As the days pass by, I found myself doing breakfast and other meals, as well as eating it in a reasonable range of time like a normal person. My sleep schedule is messed up as always, but I’m used to it. At least I’m trying.

Everyday goes by in slow motion, reminds me of before… why did I even participated in that thing? I guess I wanted to do more than sulking in bed all day and night. Barely eating, barely taking care of myself. Not anymore… not anymore…

It’s been a week, a week without hang outs with Seven. I feel the weight lift out of my chest, I did it. I was able to be true to my word after a long time. Each day was an exercise of willpower, but the satisfaction is outweighed by my craving to see him. I still don’t have any way to contact him, so not being able to do it anymore is always a possibility. I put on my best jacket and go to the usual cafeteria.

I sprint towards it, enter like I have all the time in the world to dissimulate and search for him. However, he’s nowhere to be found. I check my phone to make sure I didn’t mess with the schedules, to my surprise, a new message catches my attention.

-Today at 12:40-

laughsassin: you know

laughsassin: I’m glad hanging out with him is motivating you to become better and all that but

laughsassin: as you put it

laughsassin: it isn’t exactly healthy to change so much based on how’s it going with him, if you see him or not and all that like

laughsassin: I hate to ruin the fun but

laughsassin: what if something bad happens or what will you do when you have to go back here

laughsassin: just, be careful

I forgot what I told him, let’s check.

-Today at 12:40-

Mian: Guess who finished the first sprint of his work!

Mian: All the basics are down and functioning, no bugs or weird “I don’t know how this works but it does”

Mian: So I’m free to hang out and have so fun with Seven aw yes

Mian: Also talk to you more, don’t think I forgot about my dear friend Cielle, no no

Mian: I feel great, like an actual functional adult

Mian: If I keep this up I can maybe steal two weeks of development and just hang out with Seven

Mian: You know, being with him has been a huge motivator for me. To actually do things. Although it has the minus of distracting me, but I’m always like that so it isn’t that much of a change

Mian: I’ve been cooking healthy meals taking my sweet time and eating it in one go

Mian: I stopped training but maybe I could resume doing that. I’ll take your word and take it easy

Hmm, he’s right. I know it’s never good to rely your mood on someone else- It’s destined to hurt. I want to believe I’m not doing that but it’s true in a sense.

And also… the things that I haven’t told Cielle. Like the, um. Flirting? I’ve heard that’s common in some places but I’m not sure what it means in this situation. And the risks, oh god. The self-dares.

I sigh. If I’ll have another rant, I better go get a chair- Oh, this will suffice.

So… Shit. I let my arms drop on the table, as I cradle my face with my hands.

I know it’s wrong. As if the situation weren’t messed up already. Since I first met Seven, I’ve been taking more and more risks. Even when I know that’s exactly the kind of stuff that can and will end badly. I could never tell Cielle but… I want Seven to truly get to know me. I want to share with him something more than faking my best at being someone better and being forgotten all the same. If he’ll forget me, if we distance ourselves or stop talking with each other, at least I want to believe what he knew about me was real.

That’s why it is not the same selling myself as someone better than I am and trying my best so I can be someone better to begin with. And isn’t working on being better something good? Even if the motives are kind of fucked up?

When I was MC, I could express my support for him. It was limited, I wanted to do more for him. Like cooking for him when we were stuck in the apartment, thank him for risking his life for my sake, hell, I even wanted to let him know it was alright to feel so complicated. I would’ve never pushed him to spend time with me or accept my feelings in such position. What were you thinking, MC? He was in a life or death situation-

Ok, I got distracted. The point is, I could do things to show my support. But I never had the chance to let him know me. I don’t even know MC aside from the fact she’s flirty, kind, bright and persistent (sometimes insensitive but she learnt better).

It’s not like you need to know everything and talk everyday with your friends to consider yourselves friends but, isn’t knowing things about each other and trusting emotions what builds a connection?

Hmm. Trusting emotions…Something I’ve known for some time is how skeptical I am about people. I can laugh and have fun with others. Hear their stories and share my (not so) deep secrets and still be able to cut the connection any day without a reaction. Like ‘I could trust you almost anything about me’ but still ‘Could never trust you actual emotions’.

I want to change, to rely on someone. Truly know someone and let them truly know me. I’m always grateful to have the friendship of Cielle but sometimes I don’t know if it’ll be ok to let them know how gloomy I really am. He even notices when I don’t ‘put emotion’ in my replies. How can I be honest with him?

The actual stuff that needs to be said I don’t know how to say it. Being down one day is something but what if I tell him that everyday –even when I had genuine fun, I still feel melancholic? That even with the fun I’m having with Seven I still feel like suffocating? I guess he’ll be supportive, but there’s a limit on how long a person would be around someone who doesn’t do anything aside feeling… not good.

If I trust Seven some of my worries and then we drift away, I’ll know I tried. And I will always be able to let it stay on South Korea. It’ll be hard, like now I realize how much that would hurt. However, he’ll still be something special that happened in my life. Someone I can lose.

Cielle is someone I see in class, my only friend. If something happened, I doubt I could recover.

However, if things go well with Seven, maybe I could summon courage to really talk with Cielle. After all, I don’t want to push my issues on him. He doesn’t owe me anything.

Damn. Sometimes, you think about something, and it spirals into self-introspection the size of Suriname. Why was I here again? Seven, right. He should be here…

 Maybe he is in the bathroom? I’ll ask that waiter passing by.

“Excuse me, have you-“

 “Good evening, you are that customer who’s always with the redhead. Are you looking for him?”

“Um… yeah”

“He hasn’t come in a week. Did something happen?”

“Oh, nothing. I hope.”

“That’s good to know. These days there’s rarely regulars like you two. And to know you met in my humble cafeteria the first time you two showed up here is nice. It makes me glad to still be around. Like a movie playing right in front of my eyes.”

“What, we? I thought he came here frequently?”

“Since that day, sure thing! There’s no way to mistake something as peculiar as a redhead or a foreigner in this side of the city. Never mind a redhead and a foreigner.”

“Woah. I didn’t realize, sir.”

“Hahaha! You don’t need to address me like that. I enjoy talking with my customers as much as I enjoy making sure everything is all right.  If you have any issue, feel free to let me know, alright?”

“Oh, yes. Thank you. I- think I need time to clear my mind”

“Of course, I apologize if I kept you for too long. I’ll resume my work. Take your time.”

“Thank you”

Ok, I reached a new level of “lost and confused” today.

---

-Today at 23:45-

Mian: You are right

Mian: I’ll be careful, don’t worry

Mian: Thank you for watching over me

Chapter Text

Today is a cold Monday. I’m visiting a temple, I take some photos, notes and ask questions to the guide about the people that come here. It’s- a quiet morning, just a little lonely. I’ve always felt good being by myself. I like being alone with my thoughts, it’s relaxing and how would be my life if I didn’t like spending time with myself?

This city is strange; there’s people who go another mile to make sure everything is alright for me. And people who ignore me or look down on me just because I look different and speak English.  As if my slight toast skin weren’t enough, there’s people whose faces contort when I open my mouth and start speaking. Guess my accent isn’t that neutral. Or maybe it’s because my vocabulary leans to being more “American”?

Maybe South Korea isn’t that strange since it isn’t the first time.

The tour finished. I decided to go for a walk in a park that’s nearby. I barely did something and already feel tired. Sigh.

Today I’m supposed to meet Seven again, the thought itself makes me smile. However, I’m anxious about what has been happening in my life lately. Too many revelations at once. At least I know talking with another human being, being with Seven, keeps me away from my mind. The week barely started but I feel like I did enough self reflection for the week.

--

“Welcome, Seven. It’s good to see you!”

“Mian! You finally defeated Agent 707” he looks surprised, today I came here three hours early. I don’t like waiting, but I’d hate to make him wait for me. Even when it was his decision.

“And it won’t be the first time. Muahaha! My kingdom of darkness starts today!”

“Hahaha, how long have you been here?” He smiles as he takes a seat in front of me.

“Not so long. I did some actual tourism nearby; it was tiring so I decided to rest here. Do you always come here three hours early?”

“Ah that… guess bad habits die hard.” He says embarrassed. ” Anyways, it’s good to see you too, it’s been some time. How’s your work going?”

“Yeah it’s been…” I take a sip of my hot chocolate, letting that sentence be kept unsaid. “It’s going really well, if I keep my workflow I might have a week off or two to spend however I want.”

“Sounds good!” he replies cheery.

“How about you? Did you finish that project you took last moment?”

“It went well. Hella tiring but there’s nothing that Agent 707 can’t do!”

“That’s good to know.”

 “Did you missed me?” looks like he mean it.

“I… How do you expect me to live without your jokes?”

“Feels great to have a fan!” he giggles. “I missed you too. Seems like it isn’t the same without your daily dose of Sevenny to the rescue!”

I just laugh; I don’t feel that bad spilling embarrassing stuff when he is able to say things like that with such confidence. Since I laughed, he leans a little forward as he sits down and gives me a smile that disarms me. Like, quite literally. I almost dropped my mug. Shit man, not again. Friendship is hard in this part of the world. Such openness is messing with me. I froze as I can already feel my face heating up.

“What is it, Mian? Did you miss me that much? I’m flattered”.

Oh no, even if I’ve teased him before there’s no way I can answer that without giving myself away.

“Damn, I can smell the burnt.” he retreats at my hesitation. “I can’t accept losing twice in a row. I’ll sent a formal dare, white globe and all, to your humble house- Mr. Mian”

“Dare accepted, state the terms and conditions.”

“Shouldn’t you have asked that before accepting? Too bad, it’s already late. You owe me one now! I’ll tell you what it is later. I’ll get us something to get that sugar going! Same as always?”

“You know it.”

He leaves me with my thoughts. But I don’t want to think too deeply so I check my phone.

---

“It was nice to see you, Mian. But I should get going. Vanish this foul world from the darkness! -Oh, I almost forgot it. I got a new phone today!” he pulls it out of a small box, a brand-new phone.

“That’s great! What’s your number?”

“Hold on, give me your phone and I’ll give you mine so you can save yours.”

“Yeah.” We exchange cellphones. What should I write as my name? I settle for a plain ‘Mian’. Seven gave me my smartphone.

“See you later, Mian. Have a good evening!”

‘See you later’ I like how that sounds.

“You too, Seven. Wish you the best with your work!”

“Seven Zero Seven leaves to fight for justice and all things cute, whoosh!”

I stand still as he disappears from my sight. Then I check my cellphone for his number.

-----------------------

Your wish come true ★

Description: 00110111 00110000 00110111

Address: in your heart ;)

-----------------------

I can’t help smiling. This means he trusts me, right? I wonder what I should text him and when.

I walk with a smile at the thought of having a way to keep in contact with him, of having something that belongs to him. I take my time to reach my destination, watching the lights and the scenery. The people that usually seem distant looks friendly today, I feel like I am connected to the world. We are all humans after all; we have our own stories and worries. Everyone has a goal or something that makes them happy. We all share a moment in existence.

I can’t help but laugh at how cheesy I’m sounding in my own mind.

When I reach ‘home’, it feels cozy. I plop in my bed. What should I text Seven? I roll a couple of times in my bed. It may occupy almost all the room, touching the other side of the wall and all, but it being big lets me do these things. And it is fluffy, so I have a good rest… when I rest.

I stare at the empty chat window, and my smile disappears. A part of me wishes to just live without precautions and bad experiences. To take everything as it comes. However, this isn’t the case. When I think about what to text him, I’m inclined to text something simple and short like a ‘hello’ to start a conversation.

But if I do that… I’ll get a predictable result.

I thought about that the other day, how I want to truly get to know him. And for him to know me for who I am. What’s the use of always dreaming of speaking your heart and never doing it? Of dreaming of saying something like “I really like being with you”, “I’m really grateful to have a friend like you” and never saying it? Maybe this is what people call ‘being vulnerable’. I get that it’s a terrible idea to go around spilling everything that you feel with such honesty. But I half understand that you’re supposed to let that be with someone you really trust.

I’m overthinking this all over again, no one is pressuring me to do x or y. But I have this ache, I don’t want to spend my life protecting myself from things that don’t exist. At least, not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore…

I’ve decided to trust them; I’ve taken risks too.

I guess being bold with someone that you don’t know if you’ll ever see again is easier than doing it with those you are already close to.

I take a few breaths; I want to change. I’ve proven myself that I can do it and that it can lead to… nice experiences. I’ll try to take this step by step. But I’ll promise myself I’ll do it.

Just a small first step, not a risk to prove or a dare. Just push in the right direction. I take another breath.

-Today at 11:57-

Mian: Hey, Seven! It’s cool that we can talk like this ^^ Did you arrive well?

Was the ‘^^’ too much? I hope we talk a lot. I almost jump from the surprise when a reply appears.

My wish come true ★: Mian!! I was about to text you. We are connected +_+

My wish come true ★: I arrived well, how about you?

My wish come true ★: Hope you have a good evening

Yes, just a small step in the right direction is enough.

---

“Is it that obvious that I’m exhausted?” Damn it Cielle, is this why you called me? No way I’m telling him I pulled out an all-nighter chatting with Seven, I swear I could even hear birds chirping as the sun rose.

“Yes. Yes, it is Mian. As you’ve said yourself, you go in these endless rants when you are tired. The more tired, the more verbose and emotional. The day barely started, and you are already burned out. Go sleep man, you know better than anyone that this messes everything. And honestly, if I had premonitions and obscure stuff like that, I would always go sleep my 8 hours like a good boy!”

I siiiiiigh.

“Is this why you called me? To hear me yawn between each rant?”

“Actually, I was going to ask you something. I prefer to ask you like this”

“Oh? What is it?”

“Is it possible for me to meet Seven? Can you look for the other members of the RFA and Mint Eye? I know you didn’t find the RFA but- if Seven is with you that means the rest could be around. I just thought it would be sick to meet them you kno’ ”

“Do you want to meet someone in special?”

“I might…”

“What, really?! Who?”

“I’m not sure. But I’d like to try, ok? You said they were really nice and otome-handsome doesn’t sound bad. If you can have your 2d hubby, what stops me from living the dream? You know the say, sharing is caring”

“Ha ha ha”

“Is that a yes?”

“I’ll see what I can do”

“Awesome. Now go sleep, Mian. No one will steal your spot.”

“Alright, I’ll take a nap… Thank you for worrying about me.”

“Oh, is that a glimpse of honesty? Seven is a good influence on you”

“D-!…Don’t be like that…”

“Calling is great. I can even hear your embarrassment! Now for real, no problem. That’s what friends are for. Don’t die.”

“Thank you, Cielle, you too”

“I gotta go. Take care and go easy on Seven. You've got him in the bag.”

“Hey!”

He already hung up.

---

“Thank you for keeping me awake last night. Now that I’m officially free of work maybe I’ll get to sleep like a human being. I’m sure I’ll pass out as soon as I get home.” Seven holds his cup of hot milk like wanting the source of heat to warm up his hands.

“… are you sure you’ll be ok? You don’t want me to tag along and make sure you get home safely?”

“Wow, Mian. Is that a self-invitation?”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Hahah, you look so lost. I’m just teasing you. I’d be cool if you could come but… I’ll manage. Don’t worry. I’ll get some coffee.“

Seven leaves to retrieve his order. Hmm, I wonder if that was a case of cultural differences. Is it weird to walk someone home? Is saying that a proposition or something? Damn, I’ll research that as soon as I get home.

Seven is back quickly.

“See? Nothing a paradise of sugar and caffeine can’t fix!”

“Seven… Are you sure you’ll be ok? You seem to be exhausted everytime we talk.”

That takes him off guard, or at least it seems like that. He evades my eyes before replying.

“Aww! Mian is worrying about me. It’s such an honor! But really, no need to. I’m used to it. Sure, it kind of sucks sometimes but it’ll be alright. You on the other hand…”

He points at me.

“Mian- wait, what’s your surname? Never mind- Mian!! How dare you worry about me when I know for a fact that you’re always tired as well! You sure aren’t getting enough sleep. But have you’ve been eaten poorly as well?”

“Damn, you got me. But for starters, I’m already fixing that!” Since I’ve been hanging out with Seven, I’ve slowly worked in my poor eating habits. I can’t do much about the sleeping ones though. “You on the contrary, you always act energetic but just a moment of dropping the act and in an instant, you’d be like someone sucked the live out of you. I understand feeling like shit when a deadline is near but… you always look like that.”

He goes silent so I continue.

“So… I guess we both lose.”

“Sure thing….”

Silence again. This time, he breaks it.

“….Do you really worry about me?”

“Yeah.” How can’t I?

“What about we make a promise.” I stare at him. “I’ll do my best if you do your best.”

Oh. Oh! Right. What was I thinking?

“Ok.” I try to smile. If taking care of myself inspires him then I’ll try my best.

“What’s with that, cat got your tongue?”

“I just. I don’t know. Does that mean you really care about me?”

“Ah.” He blushes! Am I that embarrassing? “I do.” He avoids eye contact again.

“You know, Mian… I wasn’t a slave all week. I had some time to spare so I made you something.”

“What? Really? I mean- forget that it was a dumb question. Why?... What?”

“Hahaha, it is worth it just for seeing your reaction” He goes full smile, showing his teeth and framing his eyes. But he doesn’t answer. If the idea of a gift, even worse, a gift from Seven messes with me. His smile kills me inside.

Seven takes from his bag a small box, inside the box there’s another box… wrapped in decorative paper with a ribbon on top of it. As he hands me the box our fingers touch for a moment but I’m too busy to freak out about that like the emotional wreck I am. Is this real life? Am I dreaming? Do I deserve something like this? Am I dreaming?

My face still shows a mix of surprise and expectation, I couldn’t hide it if I tried. It’s just.

I carefully take the wrap paper off and proceed to open the box.

It’s an analog clock, with car ears and a bunch of buttons.

Seven breaks the silence, I’m glad since I’m speechless. I’m sure any word to come out of my mouth right now- except for a “Thank you/I really like it” would lead me to doom.

“It’s an alarm clock. An early takeoff gift from yours truly! Let me explain, with this button you can tell it when you want to wake up but-! What’s special about it is this” He points to another array of buttons. ”You can simply press it when you are going to sleep. You can configure how much time you plan to sleep or around what time you’d like to wake up; it’ll use sleep patterns and what it learns from you to wake you at the best time so you begin or resume your day at the best time possible. With ‘what it learns from you’ I mean you can tell it when you wake up. It’ll customize its features for you. Don’t worry about data recollection, it’s encrypted and local. Sorry if it’s too much for a user manual or if this makes you uncomfortable.”

He waits for moment.

“Uh… Mian?”

I’ve never received such a thoughtful gift. And from Seven… I continue staring at it. Don’t think I’ll be able to look him in the eyes. Actually, I want to. But I don’t want him to see me.

“Mian?”

His voice sounds so weak. He’s probably getting the wrong idea, but I can’t get the ‘thank you’ out of my throat, which begins to feel tight and hurt. I don’t remember getting a gift from Seven aside the cat AI he gave MC that time. But then again, he gave it to MC. How weird, that memory is blurry now, but I feel something clear in my chest. Something sharp.

An ache.

Why? I don’t know. I should probably block all those dreams like I told myself before, but for some reason they are flowing in my mind. More vivid and raw than ever. I feel… so happy…so happy.

Yet miserable.

My vision is what’s blurry now, when did I start crying? Holy shit, I shouldn’t cry in front of Seven. Not when I feel so grateful. What’s wrong with me. I try to breathe but a sob escapes from my mouth, damn.

“Mi...Mian? What’s wrong?”

He sounds so concerned, so worried. God, I’m pathetic. He put so much effort into a gift, for me. And all I’m doing is ruining the moment with whatever is that I’m doing.

“It’s just.” I try to say something, anything. But my voice sounds shaky. “I’ve never imagined receiving something like this. Even more from you. It’s- awesome.” I push myself to say, I try my best at smiling with my eyes closed, trying to focus on happy thoughts instead of half nightmares and the tears falling from my cheeks.

Seven stays silent, I can feel him staring at me. I try to think about something else to calm down and Cielle comes to my mind. I’ve felt like this with him before. But those times I could hide it beneath a wall of text. Yes, when I broke, he wasn’t in front of me so I could hide it. This time however, I can’t hide myself. And that’s making it worse. Scratch that, it’s terrifying.

This is it; I took more than what I can chew. What made me think it was possible for me to have a meaningful relationship with someone?

My throat is burning, I’m cold and sweating. Spiraling more and more. Shivering as I already see the end of the tunnel, a vision of everyone I hold dear walking out of my life because of my broken self. I know I won’t mean much to them anyways.

It’s too much, I feel how I could go on and on, falling deeper into my personal pit. Not now, I think, with what’s left of my self-restraint. This is not the place to let this feelings flow unchecked.

I summon all I have to clean the tears in my face with one hand, if there’s just one thing, I’m grateful for not feeling, it’s shame. I look at Seven with the corner on my eyes. He looks pale, stiff as a mannequin. I let my head fall a little at that realization, maybe too hard. What an asshole am I. He must think I’m having an anxiety attack or something, I’m ok, alright? Got a new scratch in the broken record that is my sanity but I’m good. There’s a part of me that still thinks clearly. So I swallow my feelings like many times before, raspy throat and all, to produce enough words to tell Seven I’ll be alright.

“Sorry. I just-“ it sounds high pitched so I clear my voice. “-just remembered something. I’m good. Ok? I need a moment, that’s all.”

I swear I can see how his body falls a little, relaxing. My throat aches more now that I’m working on holding everything back inside of me. He nods at something, maybe his thoughts, we look at each other and he opens his arms in a gesture. A hug? I stiffen for a split second but without thinking much about it, nod slowly. Yeah, why not man. Let me gather my bod and we’ll be ready for-.

Before I can finish my train of thought, I feel something warm wrapping me.

Without a word, Seven is hugging me.

It’s cautious at first, like letting me know I can retreat if I want to. I stand still a couple of seconds, clock in hand. Didn’t notice how hard my grip on it was. I finally open my eyes to begin slowly putting the clock down, in a matter of seconds it is placed safely on the table. Then, slowly, I begin to reach for Seven who’s still hugging me. I put my arms around him as I close my eyes again and make space for him to seat beside me. He does it, placing his head on my shoulder and we stay like that for minutes. Growing on the gesture until saying I’m holding him tight is an understatement.

My eyes that at that point already dried are dripping again. My throat begins to relax. I hold Seven even closer and let out a few sobs between the tears. Feeling guilty and grateful for everything.

“It’s ok.” Seven softly whispers in my ears like reading my mind. “I’m here.”

“Thank you.” I manage to say.

He moves his right hand until he’s patting my back, when I stiffen a little at that gesture, he tries patting my head. I relax, so he does it slowly until he’s playing with my hair and massaging my scalp in circles. It’s comforting. My breaths slow down as I try to focus on the realness of the situation. The warmth that comes from Seven, how it ticked when he whispered in my ear.

When I’m back on track, I clean the teardrops in my face with the back of my hand. I’d like to stay like this, no fear for what’s lost in the past, no fear for the future either. Just this instant with him, frozen in time. However, if my life were to stop right now, I won’t be able to look at him. At his eyes, one last time. Or to know what happens next.

So I break the hug with small movements.

When I look at him, it’s something I’ve never seen before. And something I’m sure I’ll never forget even if I try to.

He was crying too.

“How do you feel?” he welcomes me with a tiny smile.

“I… thank you Seven. I don’t know what to say.”

“I’m glad you’re feeling better now. We can talk about it…if you want”

“I- don’t know. I’m grateful and touched, more than you can ever imagine. More than what I could express with words.” I try smiling but can’t help grimacing as I continue “But then I remembered some things and… it was too much to handle. I’m sorry, so sorry…”

“No need to apologize.” I look at him “I’m happy that you seem to like it. To be honest you scared me a little there. But I understand…” he breaks the eye contact. ”I, too, had- have a… sort of complicated life. I wish I could talk to someone about it.”

He takes my silence as a sign to continue.

“Yeah, I wish that. But it was wrong from the beginning. I’ve been acting like everything is ok for so long that I can’t imagine myself being honest about how I feel about it like how you are. I admire that you are so honest, Mian.” He looks at me.

“Really?”

“Really. The way you act, I can’t ever figure out what you are thinking of. You are full of mysteries, Mian. And still, whenever I talk to you, I can tell how genuine you are. So… don’t ever apologize for being honest with yourself. I really look up to you, I sure wish I could be more like you.”

“And I wish I could be more like you…You… know, if you want to talk. I’ll always be there to listen. You don’t have to live carrying the burden by yourself.”

“Do you mean it? But I don’t want to give you more to think about…and it…”

“Don’t worry. Haven’t you just helped me? That’s what friends are for. I’ll always listen to what you have to say.”

“What about you? Will you… tell me what’s wrong?”

“I… hope I can eventually. It must the weird that I prefer to hear about yourself than to take about me.”

“It might be. I feel that too.”

“Well… it’s ok to be like that.”

 We stand still for a couple of moments, not knowing what to say.

“Mian… I got to be honest with you.”

“Go ahead…”

“I… you know what. It’s not that important… what if we spent an entire day doing do something fun? I sense we both need it.”

Maybe this is the part where MC, the real Mc that’s flirty and persistent and also a girl, would press the matter so he either opens up or shuts in. I’m not her, I can barely hold a conversation without internally screaming and getting emotional damage for every word spoke in the wrong way. I’ll never be her.

That’s why I can’t bring myself to press on it. Pretending to be cheery is easier and is rarely asked for an explanation.

“Yeah!”

-Today at 23:45

Laughsassin: hey mian

Laughsassin: need your help with something

Laughsassin: call me when you are free