Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Troy leaned down into the open fridge. Sure, it was the faculty lounge, but ever since Chang had given the Study Group a key, and perhaps a few other students as well, they had all been making liberal use of it. No one could prove anything, and as long as they made something look particularly unappetizing, no one stole the food.

He sighed as he searched for what Abed had left him today. The only clue he had was that it was green. He then spied the mound of celery on a cardboard plate, and he knew.

“Crafty bastard.”

No human would possibly want to eat a pile of celery. He considered he would only do so with a liberal Dorito glaze. Chuckling to himself, he reached forward and carefully lifted the plate to reveal a tupperware dish below, this one with a red opaque lid. He placed the plate of celery to the side and grabbed the plastic container, giddy to see what was inside. He hoped it was the leftover pepperoni.

He lifted the lid and spied another mound of celery and cried.

Chapter Text

Abed whistled a light jazz tune as he made his way toward the faculty lounge. As he passed by Pavel’s locker, he hit it hard and it popped open. He reached inside and pulled out the key, closing the locker as a courtesy because Pavel was a good friend. He then used the key to enter the lounge.

No one was inside, save for Professor Cligoris who was snoring away on a couch near the windows. That wasn’t an unusual event. They had all been suspecting Cligoris was homeless for the past few weeks. There had been some rumblings about a falling out with Mrs Cligoris. They had debated over letting him live with them in Apartment 303 but Annie had been vehemently against it for some reason. Abed thought it might have provided more opportunities for hijinks.

He remained silent and placed his backpack on a chair near the fridge so he could delve inside. Troy never did well when he was hungry, and he had forgotten his lunch and Abed knew he didn’t have any money today because he had borrowed the last of it to rent the movie last night from the lone remaining BlockBusters in the neighborhood after Jeff had suddenly been using his Netflix account when they wanted to use it. It had been inconvenient but alas. At least they had gotten to rewatch Ghostbusters.

He pulled out the tupperware dish and peeked inside, making sure the celery was on the top of the goodies. For good measure, he placed the plate of celery on top to deter interlopers. 

Over the past semester ever since they had gotten the key, the Study Group had been using various vegetables to keep yummy stuff safe.

It had worked very well up to this point.

Chapter Text

Jeff waltzed into the faculty lounge, taking just a quick peek to note Cligoris was still asleep and Duncan was throwing up in the trash can, having run ahead of him and leaving the door wide open. He held his nose and went for the fridge, opening it to reveal the usual assortment of blandness.

“Bloody hell, Winger! Help a man!”

The sound of the final heave made Jeff wince, and he held his face still as he wasn’t that eager to turn around.

“Crap, Duncan. You reap your own rewards.”

“I’ll have you know that I stopped drinking at seven.”

“Seven last night or seven this morning?”

“Er, let’s not get into the details.”

Jeff groaned and perused the items in the fridge, his eyes falling to a cake but then forcing himself to move past, citing concern of carbs, until he landed on the plate of celery.

“Well that’s just weird, even for our group.”

“What’s weird?”

“Try not to throw up anymore, but there’s a plate of celery stalks in here.”

“Cut or whole?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Your little group does have an obsession with vegetables. It’s almost like you’re up to something.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Sounds sexual.”

Jeff shooed what he assumed was Duncan now leaning on his shoulder to the side and after hearing the satisfying thud of his friend hitting the ground leaned in further and although he was tempted to see what was under the celery this time, he suddenly spied the dish of macaroni.

“Booyah.”

“That’s my line.”

To hell with worries about carbs.

But they would haunt him later.

Chapter Text

Britta squeaked open the door to the faculty lounge and quickly found herself in front of the fridge, her eyes wide as she spotted the plate of celery. It was something she should want, and so she glanced around to see who might be watching. No one was there save for Duncan, who was still face down on the floor from where Jeff had mentioned he had left him earlier. She briefly considered she should wake him considering she had been his bartender last night and she felt a little guilty about it but then wondered if anyone would think she was a hypocrite  if she didn’t at least attempt to eat the celery.

Closing her eyes, she reached inside and then held up the plate. She of course knew someone had put something under it and was using the bland vegetable to hide it, but she held firm.

“I’m a vegetarian. Why, I love celery.”

She muttered the words to herself given Duncan was unconscious, but then she was startled to hear Cligoris’ voice.

“You like celery? At least grab some peanut butter first.”

She screeched, placed the plate back and ran out of the room.

She really hated peanut butter, but what sane person doesn’t.

Chapter Text

Professor Cligoris rubbed his chin. He was trying to grow a goatee again, and was hoping he’d be a hit with the ladies. Mrs Cligoris could shove it.

Wondering what had gotten into Britta Perry, he peered inside the fridge and spotted the cake.

He mused aloud, “Interesting. Are we in for a special celebration today? Did Latvia become a superpower?” He chuckled needlessly and smugly before a gruff voice intruded.

“Go take your condescending weasley face somewhere else. And stop sleeping in here. You’re a fire hazard.”

Cligoris jumped and came face to face with a snarling and intimidating Professor Buzz Hickey. Instantly, he ran.

Chapter Text

Professor Hickey peered into the fridge and shook his head as he spotted the plate of celery.

“That ain’t food.”

He reached inside to grab his paper brown bagged lunch, which was on the third shelf, slightly to the left of the tuna casserole.

“Italian Beef is where it’s at.”

He kicked Duncan on his way out.

Chapter Text

Duncan awoke from his special nap, his head groggy because he may have overdone it last evening. Just a tad.

Slowly, he rose to his feet and then stumbled over to the fridge. He had vague memories of something about celery. And whole or cut. He snickered to himself, licked his lips and then grabbed the plate.

“I wonder which one of them is the perv? Or is it more than one?”

As if on cue, Annie suddenly entered the room. She squeaked and placed her hand on her chest in surprise, her eyes then going from Duncan to the plate of celery which he held in his hand.

“Professor Duncan!”

“Annie. Why, funny running into you here. When I have this plate of crunchiness.” His eyes went down to the meticulously cut stalks, arranged neatly on the plate. His eyes then went to her hand over her chest, right near the edge of her yellow cardigan.

“Hand it over. That’s not yours.”

“Are you saying it’s yours?”

“No, I didn’t say that. I just meant I’m pretty sure it’s not yours. Plus, eww, it’s celery.”

“Yes, eww.”

He smirked, placed it back and in the fridge on top of some random tupperware container he had failed to inspect because it hadn’t been nearly as interesting at the celery, and then turned and left.

After giving her one suggestive wiggle of his brows.

Chapter Text

Annie took a deep breath as Duncan left, her heart rate still intense. He had been creepy as usual, and she didn’t like what he had insinuated. She reached inside the fridge and picked up the plate of celery, instantly recognizing the stalks she had cut that morning when she had attempted to introduce Abed to healthy snacking. He had freaked out when she had produced the jar of peanut butter and she didn’t understand it. Peanut butter was healthy.

She reflected on Professor Duncan’s demeanor, recognizing echoes of how he had interacted with her during the Ass Crack Bandit investigation. All pervy and suggestive, with a hint of menace. She wondered what he knew this time. Or thought he knew.

She looked down at the celery and yawned, a little tired from staying up watching Netflix. She wondered if Abed had caught on to things, given he always seemed to know stuff. Once again, she wondered why he had brought the celery to school, and then remembered the game he played with the fridge. Luckily, she was disciplined enough to not be tempted by what was in the tupperware container. She carefully placed the plate back on top of it, showing Abed deference given she’d made enough mistakes in that area in the past, such as the time with the Batman DVD and when she added onions to his buttered noodles.

She thus averted any bad things that day, grabbed a wholesome apple from the crisper drawer, and left.

Chapter Text

Shirley muttered to herself as she walked over to the fridge, her mind intent on putting a stop to those boys’ nonsense. Poor Troy had been freaking out, something about the cruelty of the food gods. She was thankful she no longer ran her sandwich shop and had a successful career making beignets and investigating crimes. It would make for good television should she be on tv, and she shook that thought away recognizing it was what she thought of as Abed nonsense. That boy was sweet, but she had other things to attend to right now, and one of those things was to put Troy at ease.

She lifted the plate of celery off the tupperware container and sighed dramatically, as only she could. She then muttered an um hmm as she peered inside the tupperware and inched a pinch of celery out of the way. Just as she was about to spy the contents of the lower layer, his hand brushed against hers and she instantly stilled.

“Now now, Devon.”

“But we’re running late. We have to meet up with Officer Cackowski at eleven.”

She knew he was right, of course. She replaced the lid on the tupperware container and then laid the celery plate on top, just as she had found it. She was practiced at leaving scenes undisturbed now that she had embarked on her new career. She closed the fridge and turned to see Detective Butcher in his wheelchair, his baby blues looking up at her. Trying to ignore the UST, she muttered her agreement and they made their way toward the door.

She opened the door, and standing in the hallway was Office Crachowski. He was looking stern and said, “We have a new lead on the case of the missing basketballs.”

Shirley gasped and exchanged incredulous looks with Detective Butcher, making sure to keep her eyes off his bulging biceps, but Officer Cackowskii may have noticed.

He added, “Someone let them loose in the east hallway and …

“And?” They both gasped in unison.

“Garrett tripped.”

Chapter Text

The Dean entered the faculty lounge and squinted, for he was sick of these shenanigans. Sick of them. He glanced down at his policeman outfit, complete with mini skirt, and hoped he looked like he meant business. Looking back up he was disappointed that the lounge appeared to be vacant, save for his assistant Agnes who was on her break. She was seated near the window drinking her coffee and eating a bagel.

“Agnes, where is everyone?”

“I’m on my break.”

She didn’t even look up from her newspaper, and he wondered again why he had hired her before he recalled she did seem to know where everything was. Except his faculty.

He sighed and opened the fridge absentmindedly, looking for something to perhaps assuage his disappointment. He spied the cake and had an idea for another outfit.

“A birthday suit!”

“No!”

Professor Slater stood there, having entered the room without him hearing, her expression completely incredulous, and he pretended to be unfazed but he was secretly terrified. He had always been intimidated by her, but that was probably because she seemed so normal. That was unnerving.

“Craig, you won’t go around the school naked.”

“Of course not, that would be crazy.”

“Yes, crazy.”

“Gotta go! Excuse me!”

He remembered his flesh colored bodysuit, and ran past her quickly before she could say anything else.

Chapter Text

Professor Michelle Slater sighed as she watched the Dean run away, for she suspected he had thought of something equally inappropriate. She prided herself on appearing very put together and opened the fridge to get her lunch.

“Hey baby.”

She looked up to see Professor Eustice Whitman staring down at her with his dashing smile.

Chapter Text

Professor Eustice Whitman regarded his secret girlfriend with a wink. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was to be with her after that disastrous Tranny Dance. To think he had almost lost her but then seized the moment and made out with her in the back hallway before she could go and do something stupid like follow Jeff Winger.

“Eustice.” She hissed but smiled slightly and glanced to the side, catching sight of Agnes who was being her usual sour and oblivious self over near the window. She then whispered, “Don’t call me babe when we’re here.”

He nodded and tapped her back but then his gaze went from her shiny dark hair to what was inside the fridge.

“It’s a birthday cake!”

Chapter Text

Agnes had about enough of the nonsense. She didn’t like to eavesdrop, but she heard that exaltation from the annoying Professor Whitman. She stood and walked over, slapping his hand hard before he could grab the cake. He looked crestfallen but stepped back, his hand going to Professor Slater's waist before it was rebuffed. Agnes mentally noted it but made a decision to say nothing. It was none of her business since Professor Slater had quit a few years ago and went to work at City College. Why she was here now wasn’t her concern. Probably the district meeting.

“That’s Carl’s cake. It’s his birthday.”

“Carl Bladt?”

“Yes. We have a twelve thirty district meeting in conference room b.”

They both meekly nodded their understanding and scuttled out.

Good. 

Agnes snarled slightly, something she usually only vaguely repressed in the course of her duties as the Dean’s assistant. It was a facial expression only those in her family used, and it wasn’t very professional.

She thought of her brother, and her disdain returned.

Fuck Leonard.

She grabbed a piece of celery and ate it.

Chapter Text

Professor Sean Garrity opened the fridge while he was in mid conversation with Professor Kane. 

“It’s a damn shame, Marshall. The kid’s got talent, but he’s insane.”

“I’d hardly call Benjamin Chang a kid.”

“Alas no, but he did go to Hollywood for a bit before everyone realized how crazy he was.”

“True.”

Professor Garrity spotted the plate of celery and scrunched up his nose in disgust.

“Nothing good in here.”

“You know Benjamin Chang is enrolled in your course next term.”

Professor Garrity shuddered.

Chapter Text

Professor Marshall Kane motioned Professor Garrity aside and looked into the fridge. He knew better than to touch the celery or the birthday cake.

“A man’s gotta have a code.”

Chapter Text

Starburns entered the lounge, his eyes shifty. No one was there except for Leonard, who was farting in the corner. He shuffled over to the fridge and opened it.

Celery. 

He scooped up some, thinking it was weed, and failing that something vaguely sexual with desperately vain hopes Britta would be into it.

She would not but would kick him in the balls.

Chapter Text

Neil opened the fridge and decided not to go for the birthday cake, as he was trying to lose a few pounds, but he shuddered at the sight of the celery. That was too far. One had to live life.

He thought of his lady love, and hoped they’d be able to make sweet love this upcoming weekend at his father’s cabin.

Unfortunately, he was drawn to vain and narcissistic women who couldn't dance and talked in a tone that hurt the ears.

Enter Vicki.

Chapter Text

Vicki entered the lounge, her frown growing as she spotted Neil near the fridge. 

“Your diet!”

“Hey!”

She felt the breeze of something across her decolletage as a dark figure passed by and placed her hand protectively near her face for some reason, but then shrugged it off.

They both glared at one another before they caved and started making out. Leonard continued to fart.

It was basically a horror show.

Chapter Text

Leonard stopped farting and kicked those kids out of the lounge. It wasn’t that difficult, as they found him extremely off putting.

He clicked the lock behind them and hoped that would buy him some time.

He needed to get to work on making the stink bombs so he could sabotage the Dean’s office, specifically the administration area.

Because he always liked messing with his sister.

As he got to work, a shadowy figure floated by, moaning something about Vicki and pencils.

Chapter Text

Todd opened the lounge. He didn’t have a key but he knew how to open locks from his time in the army. He didn’t like to advertise that fact, but it came in useful. He needed to get more lettuce for his turtle.

He held his breath at the stench and opened the fridge. He spied some green and reached, shrieking in horror as he realized he had not grabbed lettuce.

It was celery.

Chapter Text

“Pop pop!’

Magnitude pulled a shrieking Todd out of the lounge, using his body as a shield.

There was stink everywhere.

A snickering Leonard scurried out.

Chapter Text

Pavel arrived and propped open the lounge door for twenty minutes to air it out.

Chapter Text

Garrett slammed the door behind him, not sure why a rock had been placed in front of it. He needed some quiet time. Everyone was always so damn loud.

He opened the fridge and, being preoccupied by his thoughts of Britta and Starburns yelling at each other near the cafeteria, grabbed some celery and began eating it.

The problem was Garrett was allergic to celery.

As his throat began to close, he fell to the floor and instinctively called for his sister, the one who pretended she didn’t know him.

Chapter Text

 “Oh my god! Garrett, my love!” 

Stacy howled as the paramedics strapped her husband to the gurney. They were already giving him oxygen, and Abed had stopped by with an epi-pen and then scurried away, so at least Garrett would be fyne. He was being taken to the hospital for observation and the hopes that one day they’d find a cure for Lambert’s disease.

As Garrett motioned that he was okay and didn’t want her to worry, as they had both needed to learn ASL to communicate in such situations and it had come in extremely handy thus far, she relaxed and pulled out her phone. His family should probably know. She’d start with his sister.

Chapter Text

After seeing the gurney out, Dr. Rich shouted he’d be on his way and then turned to shut the lounge door.

He spied the open fridge and decided to go over and close it, because he was a boy scout.

He mused in a perky voice, “Well, what do we have here?”

He reached inside.

“What’s going on?”

He turned to spot Quendra, who was looking bewildered.

“Quendra, isn’t it? Hi, I’m Rich.”

His gleaming white smile made her shudder, and it wasn’t the effect he intended to have. Jeff had warned her, and she liked to listen to Jeff. He knew things. She didn’t need a breast exam anyway.

Chapter Text

Quendra with a Q had entered the faculty lounge a moment before, glancing around sheepishly before she was fully confident to slip inside. She was kind of dim really, but what she lacked in brains she made up in enthusiasm. 

It was then that she had spotted Rich, and her stomach turned just a little. She instinctively buttoned her top button, unaware that the rest of her shirt was open halfway down. She was also wearing a t-shirt so this wasn’t a porno.

She nodded at Rich’s introduction and then stepped past him to peer inside the fridge. Spotting the infamous vegetable, she scowled and pulled out a zip lock back to take a sample, muttering to herself as she considered she could never escape him.

“What are you doing?”

She closed the fridge and stared at Rich a solid beat before she suddenly smiled sweetly and said, “You’re going to the hospital with Garrett, right?”

“Well, of course. I am a doctor.”

“Can you drop this off? I think he ate it and he’s allergic.”

“He’s allergic to celery? That’s the weirdest thing. How would you possibly know something like that?”

“It doesn’t matter.” She then sighed loudly and added, “We’ve got to save him...again. Eww.”

Chapter Text

Elroy took off his purple rimmed spectacles and polished them with a cloth, his face scrunched up as he considered how he was supposed to transport a birthday cake up to conference room b. Why he had been put in charge probably had something to do with the rest of the jackasses having been huddled around some ambulance that was now blocking his RV.

He reached inside the fridge to grab the cake, glancing at the pile of celery.

That was just weird.

Things got weirder once he turned and came face to face with Chang.

Chapter Text

Chang tried to eat the cake, but Elroy outran him. It was surprising, given that no one had seen Elroy run before. But he really hated Chang.

Chang returned to the lounge and slid down to sit in front of the fridge. He moaned for about ten minutes before he seemed finished and stood to open the fridge and get some deliciousness, even if the cake were gone.

Always listening at doors, he knew something good was under the plate of celery. And he suspected there was something extra delicious under the layer of celery in the tupperware container. He sat down at a table and removed the offensive green vegetable fragments to reveal ….

A shadow moved past him and he screamed.

Chapter Text

Pierce didn’t know why Chang was that terrified of him. It’s not like he had shown him his balls. He giggled as he looked down to see nope, his pants were zipped. He watched Chang run away and sighed as he sat down to eat the tasty noodles before him. It was when he reached for it, he realized his hand passed right through it.

Pierce was a ghost.

Because he was dead.

Chapter Text

The Staffordshire terrier mix made her way into the lounge, as Chang had flung the door open so far it had caught on the rock Pavel had left behind earlier, having been shoved in a scuffle from the hallway. The scuffler had been Leonard, who per usual was up to no good. Ruffles trotted to the table, her nose sniffing and tail wagging. She hopped onto the chair and then gingerly placed her paws on the table.

She sniffed the noodles and then promptly ate the celery.

Chapter Text

“Very interesting, Abed.”

Abed tilted his head as he sat across from Frankie, awaiting her reaction to his tale. She was her usual indecipherable self, and it both unnerved and intrigued him. 

“Were you scared? It was a Halloween story.”

There was a long pause.

Eventually, Frankie remarked, “I see. I suppose I was a little confused at parts, perhaps frustrated, and at times bored. But there were a few jumpy moments.”

Abed nodded, somewhat pleased although befuddled by the boring comment. He had thoroughly enjoyed himself.

He explained, “It was a ghost story. Because Pierce was dead and he was a ghost and he didn’t know it.”

“Why did the dog eat the celery and not the noodles?”

“It was for irony purposes. The audience doesn’t expect it.”

The corners of Abed’s mouth lifted almost imperceptibly and his shoulders jerked before he composed himself. He was giddy.

Frankie sighed and then tapped her pen against her clipboard. She and Abed were seated in the study room, her in Pierce’s spot because Abed had told her to sit there. He eagerly awaited the chance to point out to her that fact. It might scare her, given that Pierce was dead and now probably a ghost.

“Abed, I notice you began this story with Troy, whom I’ve still never met. I don’t think any of this happened. For instance, Elroy was in the story, and he didn’t arrive until Troy left.”

Abed shrugged.

“Creative license.”

“And Agnes and Leonard. That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it?”

She bit her lip in thought and then shifted in her seat. “Okay, but Garrett and his family…”

“You got it then? You figured it out?”

“It’s obvious.”

Abed was leaning forward with happiness for the first time since returning to Greendale from his adventures in LA, well his misadventures, but he didn’t like to dwell on that, when the door to the study room swung open to reveal a figure dressed in leather biking gear and helmet.

Abed gasped and Frankie moved her chair back an inch.

The figure whipped off his helmet and shouted, “Miss me?”

Troy’s gleaming smile filled Abed’s heart with joy.

“Troy, you son of a bitch.” He paused and then added, “I thought you were dead.”

The tears started to flow, and Troy ran over and grabbed him into a hug, his own face now wet with so many emotions. 

Frankie stood and let herself out.