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Sawamura’s back was drenched in sweat and his face in tears. Running around town in search of a vet had been dumb but his hands were shaking too much to search the yellow pages. Buildings, cars and people flashed before his blurry eyes in big blotches of blue, green, yellow, pink, orange, brown. Nothing palpable. He asked for direction and cried like a child. All the vets were telling him the same thing:
“Get a fresh fish. They’re very cheap.”
He wanted to save his precious fish, not cook dinner!
“We’re not exotic vets. Maybe get a fresh fish-“
What the hell was an exotic vet!?
The colourful green, orange and brown striped jumper he was wearing was wet. His feet ached inside his off-brand doc martens.
There was no hope, he thought as he tripped into the 5th vet clinic. He fell on his hands and knees, breathless, unable to see anything but the blur of green tiles.
“Oh God…” he heard voices from afar “maybe his pet is really ill…”
“IT’S A GOLDFISH!” He croaked steadying himself to get up, not seeing much aside from blurry faces and pet carriers “IT’S A 7-YEAR-OLD GOLDFISH AND I WANT TO SAVE HIM! DON’T DARE TELL ME TO GET A FRESH ONE!” He shouted. It triggered a cacophony of barks and hisses and squeaks. Then a human voice.
“What are the symptoms of your fish?”
The voice was familiar. He gripped onto the door frame to stay upright.
“White spots. Swimming slowly.” He paused to breathe “Been like that for two, two days.”
“Wait here.”
“Thank you.”
And Sawamura found himself inside a moving car unsure of how or when it’d happened. The seats had blue covers but the car was green. It smelled nice and there was music playing. The sun was setting. Flashes of red and orange light still coloured the clouds on that early November evening. The deep purple hues of the looming night were starting to pour in. He had a bag on his lap that didn’t belong to him. His seatbelt had been buckled for him.
“Where do you live?”
He told the driver where he lived, dazed.
“Feeling better?”
“No. Sakanada Yukimura is dying and I can’t be there for him. Again.”
Silence.
“Can you breathe?”
“Yes.”
“Good then.”
The ride was silent. Sawamura lived in a cheap flat complex in the suburbs. White, worn, decayed. Built in the 60s and never renovated.
“What floor?”
“3rd.”
He followed the vet up the stairs and over to his door, the 5th one.
“Key.”
Sawamura shoved a trembling hand down his pocket and gave him the key. They got rid of their shoes on the genkan and Sawamura beelined to the fish tank, the fanciest thing in that small one-room, one bathroom flat.
Relief.
He dropped on his knees seeing his goldfish still alive. Lethargic but alive. All the deities he could remember were summoned, in dogeza, praying that his goldfish could be saved.
“He’ll be alright, Eijun.” He heard a soft voice call him by his given name “Get up. The water was too warm. It’s something called Ick, stuck to his scales. I got the medicine for it and he’s looking better already, see? The spots will take a bit to go. You should get another fish though, goldfish get lonely.”
Sawamura looked up at the glowing green fish tank. It was true. Sakanada Yukimura had perked up and was swimming around almost as usual. He took the hand that was being reached to him and was pulled to his feet.
“Hey, general…” he smiled at the goldfish through his puffy eyes “you’ll be fine. I’m sorry I didn’t notice the water…”
“Or the vet.”
Sawamura finally took a proper look at the vet’s face.
He needed the arm around his waist that prevented him from staggering back and falling.
“Miyuki Kazuya!”
“In the flesh.” Miyuki told him, smiling. Sawamura held onto the pastel coloured fabric of Miyuki’s sports jacket “Took you long enough. Didn’t even notice when I called your name.”
“I, I…”
“It’s alright.” Miyuki assured him, letting go. Sawamura’s heart was racing, and his brain was reeling, unravelling yards upon yards of memories in a long, meandering red thread.
Sawamura fixed his unfocused eyes on the greenish light of the fish tank where Sakanada Yukimura was swimming around, peacefully and alive, nibbling at fish food.
“I’m sorry.” He said at last.
“You mean ‘thank you’.”
“No, I mean, yes but no” Sawamura shook his head and fixed his eyes on Miyuki “I’m sorry for never trying to find you.”
They locked eyes in silence. Miyuki reached his hand over and gently brushed Sawamura’s fringe off his forehead “Your hair’s coming down to your eyes, Eijun.”
His hand was warm and calloused, the way he remembered it. Sawamura’a lower lip trembled and he lowered his eyes. Miyuki didn’t ask before pulling him into a tight hug, not minding the sweat and the tears. Sawamura held him back. They were teenagers again for a fleeting moment and no time had passed. They were kids again and not past their mid-twenties.
And all was well.
Sawamura didn’t have any seating space so they sat under his kotatsu. He’d slept under it. Miyuki scolded him for it. He got tea for both since Sawamura was too shaken to host.
And they caught up on the almost 10 years of each other lives they’d missed after Miyuki graduated and went to University.
Miyuki studied veterinary and graduated summa cum laude three years before. He did a year of apprenticeship and started working at that clinic where Sawamura had found him. He had the numbers of most of their old friends from back home, their former teammates, but didn’t talk to his family much anymore. Other than that, he was just living out there in the city, he had rented a decent flat near his workplace and still loved cooking. He’d had a partner for around a year after he graduated but that hadn’t gone well, and he’d been single since.
“You’re still studying?” Miyuki asked cuing Sawamura in to share his piece. Sawamura nodded and sipped on his lukewarm tea.
“Getting a masters’ in Japanese History and Philology. Haven’t talked to any of our friends in years. Single for 5 years.” Sawamura started from the ending instead of the beginning like Miyuki had done “It was my grandpa who gave me Sakanada Yukimura. For good luck, he said.” He smiled at the tank then looked at Miyuki.
“My grandpa is dead, Kazuya. Has been dead for 5 years.”
Miyuki stared at him over his teacup and put it back down.
“I had no idea… you were very close to him. We both were.” Miyuki said softly.
“It was sudden” Sawamura continued “I was here. I’d just gotten the results that I’d finished my bachelor’s degree. Summa cum laude as well. Can you believe it?” He smiled through glossy eyes “Me, an idiot, summa cum laude! I called home to share the news and was told grandpa was gone. Just like that. Gone.”
Miyuki looked at him through his glasses, gripping his teacup.
“Then I don’t know…” Sawamura snorted and shrugged “I caught the first bus I could and went back for the funeral. Then came back to get my stuff and went home.”
“You went home.”
“I did. And stayed there for three years, helping around the farm. I wanted to get a masters’ degree because my profs wanted me to, but I just… I couldn’t.” He shrugged and snorted “The only reason I got up at all back then was because of my family.”
Miyuki stared blankly.
“Then two years ago, I got a call from a famous professor, saying he’d read my paper on the History of Shunga Art and then read my other papers. He wanted to know if I was interested in a masters’ degree and a paid researcher job later on.” He snorted and sipped on his tea “I didn’t have that kind of money since I wasn’t working. He said he’d cover my tuition and all academic expenses. Now I work at a kitchen to pay for the rest.”
“I’m glad you took it.” Miyuki said.
Sawamura shook his head.
“My family had to drag me out here with that fish tank” he gestured “and told me they’d disown me, if I didn’t take this chance. That my grandpa would have given me the beating of my life if I let it slide.” Laughter started bubbling in his chest and came out of his lips, clouding his eyes again “I knew they were right. Grandpa totally would!”
Miyuki smiled and nodded.
“I know he would. He got me a couple times, too. We were always up to no good as kids.” He chuckled and Sawamura was sobbing but laughing his heart out as he downed the rest of his tea and got up, staggering a bit. He walked up to his shelf where he had all his books and a couple figurines. His old baseball mitt was placed carefully on top of it. He pulled out an old photo album and brought it over to the kotatsu, sitting beside Miyuki.
It was full of memories preserved in photographs. There were pictures of them as pre-teens. Of their friends at Sawamura’s birthday parties. Of their holidays together. Of them fishing with Sawamura’s grandpa, all grinning like fools.
“Setsuko-chan is ill.” Sawamura told Miyuki, rubbing his eyes with his sleeve, chuckling when they saw a picture of her. She’d taken the fishing pictures because she always went with them. She was his aunt-grandma and she had been born unable to hear. She couldn’t speak either and had never learnt sign language. They called her Setsuko-chan because she’d never married and was babied by the whole family “She had a stroke last year. Left her paralysed on the right side. Doctors said it was lucky because she still has mobility and couldn’t speak anyway. She’s left-handed too, so she can still paint but she drags her leg now.”
“Oh no…” Miyuki sniffled taking off his glasses to wipe his eyes “fuck, she didn’t deserve that.”
“It’s life, Kazuya” Sawamura choked out, chuckling “life isn’t fair. I’m” he closed the photo album and got up “I’m gonna shower. You’re free to stay or go if…”
“I’ll stay.” Miyuki cut him off “And cook for us. You have ingredients?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. Then go shower.”
“Turn the stereo on, if you want.”
Sawamura said without questioning.
He took a long shower. Miyuki stayed behind to cook for them. He popped on a David Bowie record on the stereo. Sawamura’s flat was small but clean and chaotically organised. Sawamura kept potted plants by the small kitchenette’s window and had colourful posters on the walls covering some of the humidity stains. Still a fan of David Bowie. Still a fan of epic films. Still a history and mythology nerd. Still into shoujo manga. He was still the same boy he’d known deep down. Miyuki fought back emotions as he chopped carrots for a curry.
Miyuki had fallen for him completely but his relentless energy, his glowing smiles and positivity were what truly drew him in. Seeing him like that, overwhelmed and burnt out, fighting off mental illness and still with a fire in him strong enough to have him do all he could to get a vet to save his fish showed that his fire still burnt, but that it was running out. He knew why he wanted to save that fish so badly.
There were so many things left unsaid. Feelings. What ifs. They were childhood friends, had shared the most important years of their lives with each other, shared the same love for baseball and played together. The unbeatable battery, they’d been called. And it’d all turned to dust.
He had been considering getting a mobile phone, but they were crazy expensive and frankly pointless. People had answering machines and landlines. That was enough.
Yet he’d lost contact with one of the most important people in his life and had met him again by pure coincidence.
“I’m gonna say something really dumb” Sawamura came out of the bathroom in his orange pyjamas and leant against the wall, smiling with flushed cheeks. Miyuki had just finished the curry “I had a massive crush on you in high school.”
Miyuki was setting the table and almost dropped the plates with the food.
“What?”
“You heard it right” Sawamura snorted and sat under the warm kotatsu. Miyuki sat too “all three years then took a while to let go. I was scared shitless of confessing it then, thinking you might find it gross, but now it doesn’t really matter.”
“Why doesn’t it matter?” Miyuki asked.
“Because I’ve hit rock bottom and it’s been ages.”
Miyuki stared at his wet fringe covering his forehead and eyes.
“Smells delicious. Thanks for the food!”
“So, you’re telling me this because” he gestured with his hands, urging him to elaborate “what? Why are you telling me this, Eijun?”
Sawamura shrugged.
“Answer the question.”
“I already did.” He smiled “I’m glad I got to tell you.”
“You’re glad you got to tell me.”
“I am.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Not sure.”
“Not sure.”
“Yeah. You’re even better at cooking now!”
Miyuki stared at him, watching him eat but didn’t eat himself.
“I had a crush on you as well.”
Sawamura stopped the spoon before it reached his mouth and looked up.
“What?”
“You heard me.”
Sawamura fell silent.
“You liked me back.”
“I did.”
“But never told me.”
“No. I was scared of your reaction. My family is barely talking to me now.”
Sawamura stared at his food.
“So, your partner was a man?”
Miyuki nodded.
“It was mutual.”
“Since middle school. I figured I was gay much earlier than you did, it seems.”
“It was mutual.” He backchannelled.
“Yeah.”
“And you never said anything.”
“I didn’t think it could be mutual.”
Sawamura sighed deeply.
“I really messed up then.”
“We both did, Eijun.”
“And now it’s too late.”
Miyuki stared at him and chuckled.
“Says who?”
Sawamura looked up from his food to see his smile. He meant it. Sawamura felt his stomach clench.
“Eat before it gets cold.” Miyuki said and Sawamura had nothing else to say.
That changed things. Miyuki made sure that Sawamura was no longer alone and got him another goldfish for his tank. It was a female so maybe they could breed. They called it Sakanada Chikurin, Yukimura’s wife. Miyuki called his landline pretty much every night and they met up for late evening coffees and sometimes dinners.
They were older but their core remained unchanged. Rekindling their old, puppy love flame for each other was the easiest task of all. Yet, it was hard to come clean about it.
Until a chilly mid-November night, Miyuki filled Sawamura in on plans that included him.
“What?”
“It’s my birthday.”
“I know, but… it’s sudden.”
“No, it’s not. Been planning it for two weeks, had to find a date everyone could make. We’re having a barbecue at the beach.”
“It’s Autumn, Kazuya.”
“So?”
Sawamura didn’t know what to tell him and the idea of seeing all their old friends alone was motivation enough, no matter how scared he was of seeing them.
“Why does it feel like you’re not doing this for yourself?”
Miyuki smiled and drank his coffee.
17th of November came and they gathered by the sea with a grill that Kuramochi had snuck in with Masuko’s help. His suspicions had been right. Everyone was happy to see him and he didn’t remember a time when he’d been so hugged. His cheeks were swollen by the time everyone was done with holding him and squeezing them.
Wakana had gotten married. Kuramochi was working on his life-long dream of becoming an artist. Haruichi and Furuya had become professional baseball players. Ryousuke had become a lawyer. Masuko was a professional wrestler and Jun had become a mangaka. Kanemaru was a maths teacher. They were all powering through.
They brought in meat and drinks and they sat by the sea, catching up, laughing, drunkenly trying to play catch ball and then lying on the sand.
Soon it was time to go.
They weren’t kids anymore and had things to do the following day so they went home.
Miyuki and Sawamura stayed together by the small firepit, warming up. Sawamura was a little drunk and so was Miyuki. They’d catch a taxi.
“Did you have fun?” Miyuki asked with Sawamura’s head on his shoulder and his arms around him.
“I did…” Sawamura smiled warmly with a face shimmering golden from the light. The sea was a mass of glowing, inky black faintly illuminated by the city behind them “I have everyone’s numbers and addresses now…” he smiled “thank you and happy birthday again. Sorry I couldn’t buy you a gift.”
“Your happiness is the best gift.”
“You’ve changed…” Sawamura said quietly, eyes fixed on the fire.
“You too.”
“But I still want you.” Sawamura said, smiling.
Miyuki was the one to lean over and kiss him tenderly on the lips. Sawamura closed his eyes melting into the kiss. He held Miyuki’s cheek and kissed him back. It wasn’t just a kiss; it was a promise.
“I want you too.” Miyuki said against his lips, gently “And we can make this work.”
Sawamura’s eyes lit up in genuine joy and Miyuki’s heart raced. There he was.
“Can we?” Sawamura mumbled and chortled, thinking of his grandpa and what he’d think of that “Do you think my grandpa would approve of us?”
Miyuki smiled quietly. He couldn’t know but he felt that deep inside they knew.
“I think he would.”
They looked on into the dark sea under the starry night sky and wished to never be apart again. They wished for a chance at a forever.