Chapter Text
Ahch-To
I recovered from the Force vision, trying to sit neatly and push away what I had seen. I needed to compose myself, I couldn’t process all of that right now.
It didn’t make sense.
But, I found myself wondering what he saw. He’d had a vision too, I could see the fresh unrest in his features. A strange sereneness jumbled with hints of confusion and disbelief danced across his face.
I felt a hot tear glide down my cheek. I wanted to look away, but my eyes were locked in his moody depths. I hadn’t registered the movement of his hand until I felt the warmth of his fingertips brushing across my cheek, his thumb gently sweeping away the tear. It then occurred to me how near he was.
I could smell that distinctly masculine musk, somehow earthy and spicy, with a sharp, clean, citrus scent that cut through. It was fascinating in complexity, and I pondered that it was an accurate metaphor to his personality. Amongst all his cruelty and harshness, he seemed to possess this kindness and gentleness too. He wanted to ease the pain I felt.
How odd.
He hadn’t spoken, and I didn’t feel compelled to. As though a spell would be broken. This quiet, peaceful moment had rooted somewhere in me, and I just wanted to enjoy it while it lasted. An interaction where we weren’t fighting or exchanging barbed comments. I felt like maybe for the first time, I could truly see Ben inside this dark warrior shell.
His eyes seemed soft and warm in the fire light, I felt this aching loneliness and longing swirling around us, and I couldn’t be sure if it was mine or his truthfully.
I had so desperately wanted answers to the most painful question, and it was still left as a gaping hole in my heart. He’d mentioned my unabashed chasing and seeking of parents as my greatest weakness, and I was starting to realize that as a hard truth to swallow. Even while training with Luke, I’d been drawn to the cave so easily, because it tempted me with offers to show them to me.
As it often seemed to be with the dark side, it was a lie. I should’ve known that, but I still went all the same. I couldn’t resist. Maybe that was the dark blight on my heart I couldn’t fight.
I curled up on the floor leaning against the wall, and he carefully mimicked the action an arms length from me, though stretching out his absurdly long legs in front of him instead. His hands rested in his lap folded into each other.
After several minutes observing the fire, I felt some anxiety reverberating through the hut. I subtly looked over at him, some sort of barely discernible indecision flickering across his features. I was confused by this, but I didn’t want to fluster him.
As I resigned myself to wait, I noticed his hand shift to the floor between us and turn his palm up. He didn’t look at me or acknowledge it at all, his face resuming it’s neutral mask I was accustomed to. He sat unnaturally still, as if he were holding his breath.
It bubbled into my awareness that he was offering it to hold. He was afraid I would reject the gesture. The conflict in him was strong, I could feel that smothered bit of light within him trying to show. He was trying to offer me comfort. I still felt damp and chilled to the bone, despite best efforts with the blanket and fire. I’d have been lying if I denied the prospect of his warm hand was appealing.
The more I tried to understand him, the more lost I felt honestly. But if there were some place in between light and dark, could I entertain that idea with Kylo? Maybe the darkness would always be stronger than the light in him, could I accept that? I would think more on it later.
For now, whatever this connection was between us, it wasn’t going away. And if I could carefully develop some semblance of a partnership between us, maybe there was a way to end the suffering. I had begun to see common ground between us. Though I tried to keep him firmly vilified in my mind for what he had done, each time I encountered him, he showed me more and more humanity and self-awareness.
I too longed, whether I would admit that or not. Longed for someone who understood the pain, the loneliness, the rejection, the sadness. All those hard feelings I harbored weighed heavy on my heart after a life alone on Jakku. Though I envied him for having parents who loved him, he’d alluded that things weren’t as they appeared. What had happened between them that had left him feeling so utterly alone? So rejected, and hurt?
I gently placed my much smaller hand across his large palm, his fingers immediately curled around mine, and he turned his head to look at me. Now I felt...wonder? Hope? Joy? It was an odd and constantly shifting myriad of emotions, and I tried to analyze them as I was now realizing I could somehow feel what he felt.
He was surprised, but very pleased I had reciprocated that vulnerable act, the second such one tonight. He searched my face with a softness I had not yet seen in him. Before, I saw just a peek through a crack, and now I felt as though we’d opened a door, and what was on the other side remained to be seen.
He looked down, then back to the fire. I could’ve sworn I saw a tinge of pink bloom over his cheeks, but it was hard to tell with the firelight dancing across his features.
Surely he wasn’t such an emotional creature.
I rested my head against the wall behind me and closed my eyes for what I thought would be a moment, but instead, I woke to the cold chill of the dying fire and an empty hut. My hand was still lying in the spot where his hand was, and I pulled it to my chest. Had he fallen asleep too and the connection dropped? I wondered how long he had been gone, and why I was disappointed he was no longer there.
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It was two days later I laid in bed shivering from a fresh storm and it was late, but I couldn’t sleep.
It must’ve been the season on Ahch-To or something, the nights seemed to be getting colder and colder. I didn't exactly have an appropriate wardrobe for this climate change. I was frustrated, the threadbare blanket wasn’t helping much, and the native creatures were immune to the temperatures it seemed.
Luke had refused to speak or see me completely for the past two days. I was feeling adrift and upset, not knowing what would happen or how to deal with the infuriating man. How could he be so callous? What Kylo had said was still turning in my mind, that Luke had tried to kill him in his sleep. Luke had said Kylo attacked him. Who did I believe?
Was Luke Skywalker really the hero touted in stories across the galaxy? Or was he secretly a villain himself who’d hidden away here in shame of what he had done? It made me wonder about Kylo’s experience at the temple and how he truly fell to the dark side.
As if summoned, I noticed a looming shadow form in the firelight against the wall, clad in all black as usual.
However, his look tonight was much more casual than previous encounters. No boots, just black socks, black lounge pants, thick black knit sweater, and a black turtleneck underneath. He looked as though he had just been setting something down, maybe a tablet to a desk perhaps?
His eyes met mine with surprise. He looked me up and down, cocking his head to one side.
“You’re cold. You don’t have proper clothes do you?” He muttered.
“It’s no concern of yours.” I blurted out harshly, turning my face away as it reddened in embarrassment at the disparity of our circumstances.
He flinched, almost imperceptibly, and averted his eyes to the fire.
I immediately regretted the rebuke, realizing he was probably trying to be kind, for whatever his reasons were, and the rejection wouldn’t help soothe tensions between us if I ever wanted anything productive to come of this.
“I...yes, I’m rather freezing, I…I didn’t know it got so cold here and anyway, I’m from the desert...As you know, so I don’t have winter clothing.”
He gave a displeased huff in response, glaring at the wall for some reason. Had I already completely ruined this encounter?
His eyes made their way up to mine, a softer and concerned look in them. He didn’t like that I was cold, I could tell that much. Why was unclear, however.
Then suddenly, without prompt, he yanked his sweater up and over his head. He removed the garment completely and approached my perch on the cot rapidly. I tensed in alarm, but did not move, I intuitively knew somehow that he meant me no harm. He thrust the sweater into my arms, and he saw my lips move to protest, but he spoke first.
“No, don’t argue. You need warmth… lucky for you it’s preheated too.” The ghost of a smirk at the edges of his lips.
I didn’t argue, but I did give him a pout for good measure while my cheeks burned for some reason. I tried not to appear eager to pull on a heavenly warm sweater that I was entirely sure was the finest quality garment to have ever graced my skin. I wrapped my arms to my body even with the too long arm and torso length swallowing my petite frame. It was almost unbearably soft, and smelled powerfully of him.
The intensity of it when I raised the collar to my face and buried my nose made my stomach flip in a way I’d never experienced before. I knew that I shouldn’t, but I really did like his scent.
He stepped forward again, and I looked up at him curiously as he reached down to rub his large hands over my shoulders and upper arms to create friction. I averted my eyes in embarassment, but allowed the gesture.
“Better?” He asked quietly.
“Yes...thank you.” I managed to squeak back.
I dared to look up into his eyes again. His face was inscrutable as always, but the room hummed with satisfaction. I wanted to believe in Ben, a kind man buried beneath the darkness. I was beginning to accept he might have told me the truth, and a lot about who he had become seemed so much more clear since I came to this island.
I pondered over his face when I had called him a monster that night by the raging ocean.
He had confirmed it as true, “Yes, I am.”
But, it had disarmed me. The suffering in his eyes, the self loathing and conflict in his expression. I saw now, he did indeed know he was a monster… but that look.
He hated himself for it. He didn’t want to be Kylo Ren.
I’d found myself since then to be consumed with trying to understand this man. I think that’s where it began, I remembered feeling so torn afterward. It didn’t feel good. I felt as though I’d already stabbed him, but I’d dug the knife further. And I didn’t relish the pain I saw reflected back in his eyes.
This wasn’t how I thought it would be.
How did he get to this point? I’d come to understand that things weren’t as black and white as would be convenient to believe. I wanted to understand. More baffling than all that, deep down, I wanted to comfort him too. Ben.
Somehow, an impossible thought barged into my mind, and I couldn’t shake away the urge. I stood, eyes still on his, and watched him appraise my movement calmly. I wanted to push the line; how far would he let it go before it broke?
“Don’t be afraid, I feel it too.” He murmured, his eyes molten and boring into mine.
An echo of words he had spoken once before, though the weight of them felt different now.
He lifted both hands from their places at his sides, stretching them out toward me with the palms up- another offering to me. I glanced down at his hands briefly, contemplating what I wanted to do. I met his eyes again and stepped forward until I was directly between his arms, but not touching them or taking his hands.
Gingerly, I reached out with both hands and rested them atop his shoulders.
The room was surging with anxiety and excitement, I could faintly feel his erratic heartbeat against my palms and heard him suck in a shaky breath. His lips parted slightly, and his bottom lip quivered. I slowly slid my hands up the broad slopes of his shoulders to the back of his neck and pulled myself flush to his massive frame.
He stood there lame with shock for a moment, I could feel his disbelief and wonder tickling across my skull. He slowly recovered, wrapping those long arms around my waist and pulling me against his trembling chest tightly. I gasped, then took a couple shaky breaths. I felt something hot on my cheeks, only to realize they were tears. Why was I crying over this sensation? His body emanated heat like the Jakku sun. I had never felt such warmth and safety in my life.
The longer I was near him, if you could say that, I recognized a strange feeling. It wasn’t an emotion, I couldn’t really read or analyze it, it wasn’t something conscious or logical. But there was a draw between us, something deep inside him that called to me, and I suspect in me that called to him. Like a thread between us that resisted less and less the closer we were in proximity.
This…’whole’ sensation. What did it mean?
“STOP!!”
Suddenly the walls around us crumbled and tore away, and I was met with the sight of a furious Luke Skywalker, his eyes blazing even as the fire was killed by the storm. The heavy, cold rain drops were beating down on my head- though I could barely feel them on my shoulders through the sweater.
‘The sweater!’
My eyes whipped down to my torso, realizing he must surely see the black garment many sizes too big for me. I swiveled my head to look at Kylo, but he was gone. I was filled with dread. My heart raced, beating wildly in my chest.
Did Luke see him? Could he see him? Luke had unwittingly interrupted our connection previously, but gave no indication of seeing Kylo. Though curiously, Kylo seemed to either see or sense Luke.
Without a word, he spun on his heel and began to storm away. My shock melted away, quickly supplanted. Indignation and fury pulsed in my veins.
I gave chase.
“Is it true? You tried to murder him?” I questioned loudly.
I needed to know, more than I would care to admit. I needed to understand who I was drawn to inexplicably, and I desperately needed to know if I could trust him.
“Leave this island, NOW!” He bellowed, still refusing to acknowledge me.
“Stop! Is it true?! Did you create Kylo Ren?!” I nearly shrieked in frustration, my voice feeling coarse against my own throat.
He still trudged on, and in that moment, my anger overcame me. I pushed out suddenly with the Force, sending him tumbling off his feet.
“Tell me the truth!” I yelled tearfully, afraid of all these feelings. Afraid of how they were consuming me. Anger, anxiety… and something else. This question was pulling on my heart, and I couldn’t bear it.
“I sensed darkness, beyond what I’d ever imagined.” Luke growled out as he slowly worked himself back up to his feet, “I wasn’t scared enough then, I should’ve seen it through and ended him before this nightmare he’s unleashed began! But I see clearly now, you two will be the end of everything I love.” He shoved me back with the Force violently, and I crashed to the stone.
I vaguely heard a loud, wet slap sound as I landed.
“Your mistake was thinking his decision was made.” I ground out, trying to ignore the pain and regain my bearing, “I’ve seen a vision, there is another way. This could be how we win, by treading a new path! He’s our last hope.” I responded fervently, my voice gaining strength as I found my feet beneath me and ignored the burning, swimming sensation in my brain.
“This is not going to go the way you think... You will never be a Jedi. LEAVE!” He yelled again, a rage in his eyes I’d never seen before.
I wasn’t sure what battered me more- The storm, the rocks, or his words. It cut me deep, but I couldn’t let him see that. I ceased the pursuit, I got my answer after all. He stormed off, and I turned back to face the ruined hut. I needed shelter, I would have to go back to the Falcon and decide what to do next.
It provided a much needed break from the wind and rain, though it wasn’t much warmer with the busted heat exchange. I removed my drenched clothing and put on my other off white, and dry, robes. I reluctantly surrendered the sweater to hang it out to dry and climbed into the bunk.
I swore I could still feel Luke’s anger, I couldn’t settle down enough to sleep. My anxiety surged, truthfully, knowing what I now knew, I didn’t know if I was safe here any longer. I pondered on things Luke had said, that the Jedi needed to end and other vague statements about such stark sides being folly.
"It didn’t scare me enough then, it does now."
Those words rattled around in my brain. What would that fear drive him to do? Was strength to be feared? Was teetering the line so unacceptable? Was the idea of such just too much for him to conceive? Was he saying I would inevitably fall to the darkness like Ben, because I naturally held such proclivity? He was so startled and bothered when I was pulled toward the cave. He was the one who said Jedi teachings were flawed, I didn’t understand.
But I decided to put those thoughts away, it made my head hurt and my stomach upset.
Something else came to mind. Something Maz had said on Takodana.
“Whomever you’re waiting for on Jakku, they’re never coming back. But there’s someone who still could. The belonging you seek is not behind you, but ahead.”
Someone who still could. Someone who could come back. Could she mean Ben Solo?
My vision...I saw him so clearly beside me, that place full of light… Belonging. Is that what I felt? When he held me in his arms? That feeling drawing me to him, that I should be near him. Did that mean I belonged with him? Could I accept that? Could I take that risk? I wasn’t sure. While my perception of Kylo had begun to change, the things he had done had not. The path he was choosing to take had not. Could I change that? Could he still be saved? I told him it wasn’t too late, and I believed that. Did he?
I felt a wave of anxiety and fury hit me like a tsunami, followed by an equally strong wave of relief, frustration, helplessness. It left me breathless and dizzy. I knew without even looking, he was here. I rolled over, and he was kneeled beside the bunk, fully dressed again in his usual battle attire.
“You’re alright... I was worried.” He murmured then averted his eyes, embarrassed at his admission. “What happened?” He asked calmly, his gaze back on me.
“Well, he was very angry. He demanded I leave, I refused and demanded answers. He said he should’ve gone through with it and killed you, and that the two of us would destroy everything he loves. Said I’d never be a Jedi, and insisted again that I leave.” I prattled off, matter of fact.
I had picked at the blanket idly while talking, but a flash of red hot anger drew my eyes back to his face in a snap. His eyes were fixated on my head above my right eye, his nostrils flared, his leather gloves creaking as his hands curled tightly into a fist.
“He hurt you.” Kylo ground out from clenched teeth.
His chest heaved noticeably, shoulders tensed, jaw drawn tight. He was very upset by this. I was slightly confused, hadn’t he tried to kill me himself? Well, he did seem much more fixated on me joining him than me dying per se...
His angry eyes locked onto mine then, “No, I do not want you hurt.”
Had he read my mind?
No, surely it was a guess. I had gotten much better at shielding my mind from him. Now that it was mentioned, my head did throb along the temple and felt very hot. I rubbed at it softly.
He rose to his feet, and walked away to the point I couldn’t see him. But he returned quickly, and fell to his knees again as I sat up on the bunk. His expression was very serious as he firmly, but gently, cleaned my wound with a damp cloth. A significant amount of blood appeared on it. He frowned, now focused on my blood covered hand I hadn’t noticed. He wiped that off too. He then carefully unpackaged a bacta patch and affixed it.
“Thank you.” I said quietly, placing my hand atop his resting on his thigh.
His head didn’t move, as though afraid sudden movement would cause me to recoil, but his eyes dropped to our hands as he carefully turned it over underneath mine and curled his long fingers around my hand.
“You’re welcome.” Came his breathy reply.
He looked up at me, those needy eyes again.
“Rey.” He said sharply, averting his eyes to our hands again.
“Yes?” I answered.
“Where are you? Are you able to leave? You’re not safe there. He might return. Especially if he suspects we’ve been...communicating.” He struggled to decide on his last word, but he wasn’t wrong.
I was torn, his concern felt genuine. But, my good sense reminded me he was still far from being considered a friend by any stretch of imagination.
“I won’t give you information that could hurt the Resistance. I can leave if I need to, I haven’t made that decision yet... I can’t sleep at any rate, and I definitely need to rest.” I could feel his frustration rippling off him at my response.
“You’re ridiculous.” He huffed.
“I don’t want to fight, please.” I sighed, I really was exhausted.
He climbed onto the bunk, to my surprise. He rested his back against the wall, the bed frame barely big enough to fit his legs even bent.
“I won’t let him get you while you’re sleeping. That’s not happening again.” I could see the determination and hurt simmering in his eyes.
This plane of existence the connection created was confusing, I couldn’t quite grasp the rules. He couldn’t see my surroundings, but could see immediate objects if I touched them, it seemed. He could see the bunk, and the wall once on the bunk apparently. But then, he leaned over and yanked at something I couldn’t see, but then suddenly appeared. A thick quilted duvet.
His face was neutral as he offered it to me, his knees apart far enough I could climb between them. I blushed furiously, I wasn’t sure how to navigate this odd situation with a man who was supposed to be my enemy, but yet the most helpful and available person at the moment.
Once I sheepishly laid back against his chest, he closed the duvet around me along with his arms, holding me gently, but snugly.
My emotions ran wild every which way, I tried to remind myself to be calm and grateful. He was trying to show me the good in him, he was letting me see that light in him that was very carefully guarded. I still didn’t understand completely, but this was progress.
His actions were thoughtful and deliberate, I couldn’t ignore the level of care he was beginning to express. I didn’t quite know what to make of it, perhaps he realized his rough manner and biting remarks wouldn’t win me to his side and this was a different tactic. I was wary of that, but still it made me hopeful.
I had to show him he could trust me. I just wasn’t sure how to accomplish that part yet.
I draped one hand over his forearm resting over his knees, my cheek resting along his collarbone against the thick and coarse tunic he wore. Once I closed my eyes, I was keenly aware of the rise and fall of his chest and his heartbeat was loud and erratic against my ear at first, but after several minutes it slowed to a steady thump.
Before I’d realized, I drifted off. I hadn’t the foggiest idea how long I’d been asleep when I was abruptly woken by a shout from Kylo.
“REY WAKE UP!”
There were several things I had to process rapidly in that moment; that Kylo was helpless to defend me- we’d established we couldn’t attack through the connection previously, that I still did not know if Luke and Kylo could both see each other- though it was evident Kylo could definitely see or sense Luke (hence his warning), my saber was missing when I called for it in the Force, followed by the realization Luke wielded it himself as he lumbered toward me, and quite finally- that Luke had murderous intent as that saber came swinging down in a hefty blow.
Something I think not one of the three of us expected, happened then.
In a split second of raw survival instinct, I yanked Kylo’s saber from his belt and ignited it in my defense. As the spitting red blade cackled and blocked Luke’s attack, it seemed as though his rage was amplified even further.
“So you’ll join the dark side for a pair of pretty eyes?!” He spat, as he disengaged then swung out again wildly toward my waist.
As I leapt back, Kylo’s voice demanded, “Where are you?!”
“I didn’t do what I should’ve done before, and the galaxy has paid the price for that weakness in me. I won’t let you do this. This time, I’ll end the threat before you can wreak any more destruction!” He bellowed, his expression unhinged and his movements powerful and intense.
“REY! Tell me!” Kylo roared.
Less than angry or commanding, it was desperate. He feared for my life.
I could only spare him a brief glance, but his expression was heartbreaking. My resolve softened. Luke had yet to acknowledge Kylo’s presence, and I didn’t want him to hear me speak to him. I focused hard, trying to think loudly enough Kylo would somehow hear.
“Ahch-To.”
“Just hold on, I’m coming for you.”
His reply boomed, echoing in my skull.