Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ahch-To

I recovered from the Force vision, trying to sit neatly and push away what I had seen. I needed to compose myself, I couldn’t process all of that right now. 

It didn’t make sense. 

But, I found myself wondering what he saw.  He’d had a vision too, I could see the fresh unrest in his features. A strange sereneness jumbled with hints of confusion and disbelief danced across his face. 

I felt a hot tear glide down my cheek. I wanted to look away, but my eyes were locked in his moody depths. I hadn’t registered the movement of his hand until I felt the warmth of his fingertips brushing across my cheek, his thumb gently sweeping away the tear. It then occurred to me how near he was. 

I could smell that distinctly masculine musk, somehow earthy and spicy, with a sharp, clean, citrus scent that cut through.  It was fascinating in complexity, and I pondered that it was an accurate metaphor to his personality. Amongst all his cruelty and harshness, he seemed to possess this kindness and gentleness too. He wanted to ease the pain I felt. 

How odd.

He hadn’t spoken, and I didn’t feel compelled to. As though a spell would be broken. This quiet, peaceful moment had rooted somewhere in me, and I just wanted to enjoy it while it lasted.  An interaction where we weren’t fighting or exchanging barbed comments. I felt like maybe for the first time, I could truly see Ben inside this dark warrior shell. 

His eyes seemed soft and warm in the fire light, I felt this aching loneliness and longing swirling around us, and I couldn’t be sure if it was mine or his truthfully. 

I had so desperately wanted answers to the most painful question, and it was still left as a gaping hole in my heart. He’d mentioned my unabashed chasing and seeking of parents as my greatest weakness, and I was starting to realize that as a hard truth to swallow.  Even while training with Luke, I’d been drawn to the cave so easily, because it tempted me with offers to show them to me. 

As it often seemed to be with the dark side, it was a lie. I should’ve known that, but I still went all the same. I couldn’t resist. Maybe that was the dark blight on my heart I couldn’t fight. 

I curled up on the floor leaning against the wall, and he carefully mimicked the action an arms length from me, though stretching out his absurdly long legs in front of him instead. His hands rested in his lap folded into each other. 

After several minutes observing the fire, I felt some anxiety reverberating through the hut. I subtly looked over at him, some sort of barely discernible indecision flickering across his features. I was confused by this, but I didn’t want to fluster him. 

As I resigned myself to wait, I noticed his hand shift to the floor between us and turn his palm up. He didn’t look at me or acknowledge it at all, his face resuming it’s neutral mask I was accustomed to. He sat unnaturally still, as if he were holding his breath. 

It bubbled into my awareness that he was offering it to hold. He was afraid I would reject the gesture. The conflict in him was strong, I could feel that smothered bit of light within him trying to show. He was trying to offer me comfort. I still felt damp and chilled to the bone, despite best efforts with the blanket and fire. I’d have been lying if I denied the prospect of his warm hand was appealing. 

The more I tried to understand him, the more lost I felt honestly. But if there were some place in between light and dark, could I entertain that idea with Kylo? Maybe the darkness would always be stronger than the light in him, could I accept that?  I would think more on it later. 

For now, whatever this connection was between us, it wasn’t going away. And if I could carefully develop some semblance of a partnership between us, maybe there was a way to end the suffering.  I had begun to see common ground between us. Though I tried to keep him firmly vilified in my mind for what he had done, each time I encountered him, he showed me more and more humanity and self-awareness. 

I too longed, whether I would admit that or not. Longed for someone who understood the pain, the loneliness, the rejection, the sadness. All those hard feelings I harbored weighed heavy on my heart after a life alone on Jakku.  Though I envied him for having parents who loved him, he’d alluded that things weren’t as they appeared. What had happened between them that had left him feeling so utterly alone? So rejected, and hurt?

I gently placed my much smaller hand across his large palm, his fingers immediately curled around mine, and he turned his head to look at me. Now I felt...wonder? Hope? Joy? It was an odd and constantly shifting myriad of emotions, and I tried to analyze them as I was now realizing I could somehow feel what he felt. 

He was surprised, but very pleased I had reciprocated that vulnerable act, the second such one tonight. He searched my face with a softness I had not yet seen in him. Before, I saw just a peek through a crack, and now I felt as though we’d opened a door, and what was on the other side remained to be seen.

He looked down, then back to the fire. I could’ve sworn I saw a tinge of pink bloom over his cheeks, but it was hard to tell with the firelight dancing across his features. 

Surely he wasn’t such an emotional creature. 

I rested my head against the wall behind me and closed my eyes for what I thought would be a moment, but instead, I woke to the cold chill of the dying fire and an empty hut. My hand was still lying in the spot where his hand was, and I pulled it to my chest.  Had he fallen asleep too and the connection dropped? I wondered how long he had been gone, and why I was disappointed he was no longer there. 

----------

It was two days later I laid in bed shivering from a fresh storm and it was late, but I couldn’t sleep. 

It must’ve been the season on Ahch-To or something, the nights seemed to be getting colder and colder. I didn't exactly have an appropriate wardrobe for this climate change.  I was frustrated, the threadbare blanket wasn’t helping much, and the native creatures were immune to the temperatures it seemed. 

Luke had refused to speak or see me completely for the past two days. I was feeling adrift and upset, not knowing what would happen or how to deal with the infuriating man. How could he be so callous? What Kylo had said was still turning in my mind, that Luke had tried to kill him in his sleep. Luke had said Kylo attacked him. Who did I believe? 

Was Luke Skywalker really the hero touted in stories across the galaxy? Or was he secretly a villain himself who’d hidden away here in shame of what he had done? It made me wonder about Kylo’s experience at the temple and how he truly fell to the dark side.

As if summoned, I noticed a looming shadow form in the firelight against the wall, clad in all black as usual. 

However, his look tonight was much more casual than previous encounters. No boots, just black socks, black lounge pants, thick black knit sweater, and a black turtleneck underneath. He looked as though he had just been setting something down, maybe a tablet to a desk perhaps? 

His eyes met mine with surprise. He looked me up and down, cocking his head to one side. 

“You’re cold. You don’t have proper clothes do you?” He muttered. 

“It’s no concern of yours.” I blurted out harshly, turning my face away as it reddened in embarrassment at the disparity of our circumstances. 

He flinched, almost imperceptibly, and averted his eyes to the fire. 

I immediately regretted the rebuke, realizing he was probably trying to be kind, for whatever his reasons were, and the rejection wouldn’t help soothe tensions between us if I ever wanted anything productive to come of this. 

“I...yes, I’m rather freezing, I…I didn’t know it got so cold here and anyway, I’m from the desert...As you know, so I don’t have winter clothing.” 

He gave a displeased huff in response, glaring at the wall for some reason. Had I already completely ruined this encounter? 

His eyes made their way up to mine, a softer and concerned look in them. He didn’t like that I was cold, I could tell that much. Why was unclear, however. 

Then suddenly, without prompt, he yanked his sweater up and over his head. He removed the garment completely and approached my perch on the cot rapidly. I tensed in alarm, but did not move, I intuitively knew somehow that he meant me no harm.  He thrust the sweater into my arms, and he saw my lips move to protest, but he spoke first. 

“No, don’t argue. You need warmth… lucky for you it’s preheated too.” The ghost of a smirk at the edges of his lips. 

I didn’t argue, but I did give him a pout for good measure while my cheeks burned for some reason.  I tried not to appear eager to pull on a heavenly warm sweater that I was entirely sure was the finest quality garment to have ever graced my skin. I wrapped my arms to my body even with the too long arm and torso length swallowing my petite frame. It was almost unbearably soft, and smelled powerfully of him. 

The intensity of it when I raised the collar to my face and buried my nose made my stomach flip in a way I’d never experienced before. I knew that I shouldn’t, but I really did like his scent. 

He stepped forward again, and I looked up at him curiously as he reached down to rub his large hands over my shoulders and upper arms to create friction.  I averted my eyes in embarassment, but allowed the gesture. 

“Better?” He asked quietly. 

“Yes...thank you.” I managed to squeak back.

I dared to look up into his eyes again. His face was inscrutable as always, but the room hummed with satisfaction.  I wanted to believe in Ben, a kind man buried beneath the darkness. I was beginning to accept he might have told me the truth, and a lot about who he had become seemed so much more clear since I came to this island. 

I pondered over his face when I had called him a monster that night by the raging ocean. 

He had confirmed it as true, “Yes, I am.”  

But, it had disarmed me. The suffering in his eyes, the self loathing and conflict in his expression. I saw now, he did indeed know he was a monster… but that look. 

He hated himself for it. He didn’t want to be Kylo Ren. 

I’d found myself since then to be consumed with trying to understand this man. I think that’s where it began, I remembered feeling so torn afterward. It didn’t feel good. I felt as though I’d already stabbed him, but I’d dug the knife further. And I didn’t relish the pain I saw reflected back in his eyes.

This wasn’t how I thought it would be. 

How did he get to this point? I’d come to understand that things weren’t as black and white as would be convenient to believe. I wanted to understand. More baffling than all that, deep down, I wanted to comfort him too. Ben. 

Somehow, an impossible thought barged into my mind, and I couldn’t shake away the urge. I stood, eyes still on his, and watched him appraise my movement calmly. I wanted to push the line; how far would he let it go before it broke?

“Don’t be afraid, I feel it too.” He murmured, his eyes molten and boring into mine. 

An echo of words he had spoken once before, though the weight of them felt different now. 

He lifted both hands from their places at his sides, stretching them out toward me with the palms up- another offering to me. I glanced down at his hands briefly, contemplating what I wanted to do. I met his eyes again and stepped forward until I was directly between his arms, but not touching them or taking his hands. 

Gingerly, I reached out with both hands and rested them atop his shoulders. 

The room was surging with anxiety and excitement, I could faintly feel his erratic heartbeat against my palms and heard him suck in a shaky breath. His lips parted slightly, and his bottom lip quivered. I slowly slid my hands up the broad slopes of his shoulders to the back of his neck and pulled myself flush to his massive frame. 

He stood there lame with shock for a moment, I could feel his disbelief and wonder tickling across my skull. He slowly recovered, wrapping those long arms around my waist and pulling me against his trembling chest tightly.  I gasped, then took a couple shaky breaths. I felt something hot on my cheeks, only to realize they were tears. Why was I crying over this sensation? His body emanated heat like the Jakku sun. I had never felt such warmth and safety in my life. 

The longer I was near him, if you could say that, I recognized a strange feeling. It wasn’t an emotion, I couldn’t really read or analyze it, it wasn’t something conscious or logical. But there was a draw between us, something deep inside him that called to me, and I suspect in me that called to him. Like a thread between us that resisted less and less the closer we were in proximity. 

This…’whole’ sensation. What did it mean?

“STOP!!” 

Suddenly the walls around us crumbled and tore away, and I was met with the sight of a furious Luke Skywalker, his eyes blazing even as the fire was killed by the storm.  The heavy, cold rain drops were beating down on my head- though I could barely feel them on my shoulders through the sweater. 

‘The sweater!’  

My eyes whipped down to my torso, realizing he must surely see the black garment many sizes too big for me. I swiveled my head to look at Kylo, but he was gone.  I was filled with dread. My heart raced, beating wildly in my chest.

Did Luke see him? Could he see him? Luke had unwittingly interrupted our connection previously, but gave no indication of seeing Kylo. Though curiously, Kylo seemed to either see or sense Luke.

Without a word, he spun on his heel and began to storm away. My shock melted away, quickly supplanted. Indignation and fury pulsed in my veins. 

I gave chase. 

“Is it true? You tried to murder him?” I questioned loudly. 

I needed to know, more than I would care to admit. I needed to understand who I was drawn to inexplicably, and I desperately needed to know if I could trust him. 

“Leave this island, NOW!” He bellowed, still refusing to acknowledge me. 

“Stop! Is it true?! Did you create Kylo Ren?!” I nearly shrieked in frustration, my voice feeling coarse against my own throat.

He still trudged on, and in that moment, my anger overcame me. I pushed out suddenly with the Force, sending him tumbling off his feet. 

“Tell me the truth!” I yelled tearfully, afraid of all these feelings.  Afraid of how they were consuming me. Anger, anxiety… and something else. This question was pulling on my heart, and I couldn’t bear it. 

“I sensed darkness, beyond what I’d ever imagined.” Luke growled out as he slowly worked himself back up to his feet, “I wasn’t scared enough then, I should’ve seen it through and ended him before this nightmare he’s unleashed began! But I see clearly now, you two will be the end of everything I love.” He shoved me back with the Force violently, and I crashed to the stone.

I vaguely heard a loud, wet slap sound as I landed. 

“Your mistake was thinking his decision was made.” I ground out, trying to ignore the pain and regain my bearing, “I’ve seen a vision, there is another way. This could be how we win, by treading a new path! He’s our last hope.” I responded fervently, my voice gaining strength as I found my feet beneath me and ignored the burning, swimming sensation in my brain. 

“This is not going to go the way you think... You will never be a Jedi. LEAVE!” He yelled again, a rage in his eyes I’d never seen before. 

I wasn’t sure what battered me more- The storm, the rocks, or his words. It cut me deep, but I couldn’t let him see that. I ceased the pursuit, I got my answer after all.  He stormed off, and I turned back to face the ruined hut. I needed shelter, I would have to go back to the Falcon and decide what to do next. 

It provided a much needed break from the wind and rain, though it wasn’t much warmer with the busted heat exchange. I removed my drenched clothing and put on my other off white, and dry, robes. I reluctantly surrendered the sweater to hang it out to dry and climbed into the bunk. 

I swore I could still feel Luke’s anger, I couldn’t settle down enough to sleep. My anxiety surged, truthfully, knowing what I now knew, I didn’t know if I was safe here any longer. I pondered on things Luke had said, that the Jedi needed to end and other vague statements about such stark sides being folly. 

"It didn’t scare me enough then, it does now."

Those words rattled around in my brain. What would that fear drive him to do? Was strength to be feared? Was teetering the line so unacceptable? Was the idea of such just too much for him to conceive? Was he saying I would inevitably fall to the darkness like Ben, because I naturally held such proclivity? He was so startled and bothered when I was pulled toward the cave. He was the one who said Jedi teachings were flawed, I didn’t understand. 

But I decided to put those thoughts away, it made my head hurt and my stomach upset. 

Something else came to mind. Something Maz had said on Takodana.

“Whomever you’re waiting for on Jakku, they’re never coming back. But there’s someone who still could. The belonging you seek is not behind you, but ahead.”

Someone who still could. Someone who could come back.  Could she mean Ben Solo? 

My vision...I saw him so clearly beside me, that place full of light… Belonging. Is that what I felt? When he held me in his arms? That feeling drawing me to him, that I should be near him. Did that mean I belonged with him? Could I accept that? Could I take that risk?  I wasn’t sure. While my perception of Kylo had begun to change, the things he had done had not. The path he was choosing to take had not. Could I change that? Could he still be saved? I told him it wasn’t too late, and I believed that. Did he?

I felt a wave of anxiety and fury hit me like a tsunami, followed by an equally strong wave of relief, frustration, helplessness. It left me breathless and dizzy. I knew without even looking, he was here. I rolled over, and he was kneeled beside the bunk, fully dressed again in his usual battle attire. 

“You’re alright... I was worried.” He murmured then averted his eyes, embarrassed at his admission. “What happened?” He asked calmly, his gaze back on me. 

“Well, he was very angry. He demanded I leave, I refused and demanded answers. He said he should’ve gone through with it and killed you, and that the two of us would destroy everything he loves. Said I’d never be a Jedi, and insisted again that I leave.” I prattled off, matter of fact.

I had picked at the blanket idly while talking, but a flash of red hot anger drew my eyes back to his face in a snap.  His eyes were fixated on my head above my right eye, his nostrils flared, his leather gloves creaking as his hands curled tightly into a fist. 

“He hurt you.” Kylo ground out from clenched teeth.

His chest heaved noticeably, shoulders tensed, jaw drawn tight. He was very upset by this.  I was slightly confused, hadn’t he tried to kill me himself? Well, he did seem much more fixated on me joining him than me dying per se... 

His angry eyes locked onto mine then, “No, I do not want you hurt.” 

Had he read my mind? 

No, surely it was a guess. I had gotten much better at shielding my mind from him. Now that it was mentioned, my head did throb along the temple and felt very hot. I rubbed at it softly.

He rose to his feet, and walked away to the point I couldn’t see him. But he returned quickly, and fell to his knees again as I sat up on the bunk. His expression was very serious as he firmly, but gently, cleaned my wound with a damp cloth. A significant amount of blood appeared on it. He frowned, now focused on my blood covered hand I hadn’t noticed. He wiped that off too. He then carefully unpackaged a bacta patch and affixed it. 

“Thank you.” I said quietly, placing my hand atop his resting on his thigh. 

His head didn’t move, as though afraid sudden movement would cause me to recoil, but his eyes dropped to our hands as he carefully turned it over underneath mine and curled his long fingers around my hand. 

  “You’re welcome.” Came his breathy reply.

He looked up at me, those needy eyes again.

“Rey.” He said sharply, averting his eyes to our hands again. 

“Yes?” I answered. 

“Where are you? Are you able to leave? You’re not safe there. He might return. Especially if he suspects we’ve been...communicating.” He struggled to decide on his last word, but he wasn’t wrong. 

I was torn, his concern felt genuine. But, my good sense reminded me he was still far from being considered a friend by any stretch of imagination.

“I won’t give you information that could hurt the Resistance. I can leave if I need to, I haven’t made that decision yet... I can’t sleep at any rate, and I definitely need to rest.” I could feel his frustration rippling off him at my response.

“You’re ridiculous.” He huffed. 

“I don’t want to fight, please.” I sighed, I really was exhausted. 

He climbed onto the bunk, to my surprise. He rested his back against the wall, the bed frame barely big enough to fit his legs even bent. 

“I won’t let him get you while you’re sleeping. That’s not happening again.” I could see the determination and hurt simmering in his eyes. 

This plane of existence the connection created was confusing, I couldn’t quite grasp the rules. He couldn’t see my surroundings, but could see immediate objects if I touched them, it seemed. He could see the bunk, and the wall once on the bunk apparently. But then, he leaned over and yanked at something I couldn’t see, but then suddenly appeared. A thick quilted duvet. 

His face was neutral as he offered it to me, his knees apart far enough I could climb between them. I blushed furiously, I wasn’t sure how to navigate this odd situation with a man who was supposed to be my enemy, but yet the most helpful and available person at the moment. 

Once I sheepishly laid back against his chest, he closed the duvet around me along with his arms, holding me gently, but snugly. 

My emotions ran wild every which way, I tried to remind myself to be calm and grateful. He was trying to show me the good in him, he was letting me see that light in him that was very carefully guarded. I still didn’t understand completely, but this was progress. 

His actions were thoughtful and deliberate, I couldn’t ignore the level of care he was beginning to express. I didn’t quite know what to make of it, perhaps he realized his rough manner and biting remarks wouldn’t win me to his side and this was a different tactic. I was wary of that, but still it made me hopeful. 

I had to show him he could trust me. I just wasn’t sure how to accomplish that part yet. 

I draped one hand over his forearm resting over his knees, my cheek resting along his collarbone against the thick and coarse tunic he wore. Once I closed my eyes, I was keenly aware of the rise and fall of his chest and his heartbeat was loud and erratic against my ear at first, but after several minutes it slowed to a steady thump. 

Before I’d realized, I drifted off. I hadn’t the foggiest idea how long I’d been asleep when I was abruptly woken by a shout from Kylo. 

“REY WAKE UP!” 

There were several things I had to process rapidly in that moment; that Kylo was helpless to defend me- we’d established we couldn’t attack through the connection previously, that I still did not know if Luke and Kylo could both see each other- though it was evident Kylo could definitely see or sense Luke (hence his warning), my saber was missing when I called for it in the Force, followed by the realization Luke wielded it himself as he lumbered toward me, and quite finally- that Luke had murderous intent as that saber came swinging down in a hefty blow.

Something I think not one of the three of us expected, happened then. 

In a split second of raw survival instinct, I yanked Kylo’s saber from his belt and ignited it in my defense. As the spitting red blade cackled and blocked Luke’s attack, it seemed as though his rage was amplified even further. 

“So you’ll join the dark side for a pair of pretty eyes?!” He spat, as he disengaged then swung out again wildly toward my waist. 

As I leapt back, Kylo’s voice demanded, “Where are you?!”

“I didn’t do what I should’ve done before, and the galaxy has paid the price for that weakness in me. I won’t let you do this. This time, I’ll end the threat before you can wreak any more destruction!” He bellowed, his expression unhinged and his movements powerful and intense.

“REY! Tell me!” Kylo roared.

Less than angry or commanding, it was desperate. He feared for my life. 

I could only spare him a brief glance, but his expression was heartbreaking. My resolve softened. Luke had yet to acknowledge Kylo’s presence, and I didn’t want him to hear me speak to him. I focused hard, trying to think loudly enough Kylo would somehow hear.

“Ahch-To.” 

“Just hold on, I’m coming for you.” His reply boomed, echoing in my skull.

Chapter Text

Supremacy

Where in the kriff was Ahch-To? 

I had never once heard of it, but luckily Rey had projected the last piece of the map she had withheld from me into my mind when she told me. I knew how to get there at least. Wherever there was, remained to be seen. 

The beast inside me raged at the threat to her, possessive and unrelenting. 

Mine. Mine! Mine! 

I tried to at least look composed, but I knew my arms were vibrating with violent intentions. 

The beast howled and thrashed against it’s fleshy prison, How dare he, I’ll kill him! Don’t touch her! I won’t let him. Not her. 

I took a deep, shaking breath trying to steel myself. 

I’d been captivated since the moment we met, fascinated by her strength and unreasonable power. It was almost endearing, but mostly infuriating, how little she thought of herself. She didn’t recognize her own potential. And she ran to him of all the unworthy people, to learn. She wanted to be a Jedi.  

Intolerable. 

Couldn’t she feel the shadow within her? She could never be a Jedi. And constantly hindering her potential with that inability to focus on anything but the consuming need to know her parents. 

As if parents ever helped one reach their potential.

Yet, I knew, in that light part of me I tried to tamp down, that my brusque manner with her wouldn’t help her to realize any of those things. I’d never forgotten that look in her eyes in the forest. It was seared into my memory. To her, I was a monster. She reminded me she thought so at every opportunity it seemed. 

But, she’d caught me at a weaker moment. 

I ruminated often on my choices, most particularly killing Han. I was already feeling raw when she had suddenly appeared, the tell tale whooshing of air followed by a vacuum of silence, then right on into the hostilities and assumptions.

I was already hurting, and her ferocity cut me to the quick that day. To most, it was probably imperceptible, but I knew my carefully neutral expression had faltered, my affirmation of her barb was loaded with feelings I wished would go away. 

I never asked for any of this. I didn’t dream of being evil as a child. I didn’t relish this life filled with strife and pain. But I was doing what needed to be done. And what needed to be done required power. And power required sacrifice. I had to bear this pain, and I had to suffer, to accomplish these ends.

I strode with purpose, only just short of actually running. A benefit of my imposing stature was to close long distances quickly. Whenever I moved throughout the ship, my mask was generally so unnerving no one dared to make eye contact and gave a wide berth. Now, with the mask destroyed, I was pleased that my expression was still ominous enough to repel the underlings. 

The turbolift opened, revealing two stormtroopers, and two officers talking amongst themselves. It was clear they were also headed down. 

“Get. Out.” I growled through clenched teeth. 

One look at me and they scrambled from the lift without hesitation, their fear was palpable. 

I was growing more and more irritated by the time it took to get to the hanger in this monstrosity of a ship. The thought of her in danger made my stomach flip, I worked hard to ignore the anxiety and nausea. I touched the jagged skin absentmindedly, tracing along my cheek and over my jaw. 

A reminder of her power, a reminder of her I carried. 

Ever since that encounter where the salt water sprayed me as she left, something had changed between us. Maybe she saw me … I couldn’t be sure. Her expression when she left was not usual, she looked confused and...sad maybe. 

Had she believed I felt nothing when I killed him? Was discovering that I did, and that I agreed with her assessment of me, so shocking? 

Before the doors completely opened, I’d already slid through and made a beeline for my Silencer. An officer moved as though he intended to question my actions, but one glance from me and he quickly thought otherwise, scurrying away like the rat he was. 

I burst out of the hanger and set in the coordinates, blessedly she wasn’t too far and my craft had the capability to get to her expeditiously. The thought of what Luke might do to her kept barging into my mind unwelcome, and an unsettling wave of queasiness came with the thought. I did all I could to push it out and focus on anything else.

Softness. That was a welcome distraction. The way she looked at me, it had changed. And I couldn’t deny my delight somewhere inside. I didn’t like the crying, I didn’t like to see her hurt. But I felt immense relief at the change in her attitude toward me. She let me close to her, she let me show her comfort. 

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want it myself, there was always a degree of selfishness to my actions I supposed. Touching her and holding her were things I didn’t dare dream of, but she welcomed it. Tentatively, but all the same. It was dizzying, I felt lightheaded and jittery at her touch, but yet, I felt a deep sense of calm too.

From the moment I touched her hand, I knew I had to be with her. I saw her with me. I’d raze the whole galaxy for it. I’d kill for her, die for her. But an important realization happened too. 

I couldn’t be with her and be completely in the darkness. 

The light I fought within me, like the darkness she fought within her, was the bridge between us. There was something deeper to it; instinctually I felt it, like a magnet. It was inescapable the way I was drawn to her. Though, unlike her, I wasn’t interested in fighting that draw. 

I wanted her. 

I knew I had to be careful, I had to give her time to come around and trust me. I’d have to win her over, and currently I was at a loss as to how to do that. As horribly impatient a person I was, I had to wait. She wouldn’t be forced or rushed. I had to show her that I cared and nurture the connection between us. 

The thought of being vulnerable to her was truly terrifying, in a way I’d never experienced. This connection would give me the opportunities I needed, but I had to use them wisely. I felt I had at least done that well so far, if nothing else. She didn’t violently hate me the way she had before. Everything else in my life could go to shit, but if I could just have her. 

I had to have her. 

The thought alone of feeling her in my arms gave me gooseflesh. I couldn’t shake the thought of her lips, wondering how they would feel against mine. Perfection, I would imagine. 

Mine. The beast growled in my chest. Protect what’s mine. It bellowed threateningly. 

I would kill that despicable, incompetent man at long last and take her away. I would teach her myself, I would make her strong. I would nourish her, protect her, care for her, like no one had ever bothered to. The fools who’d left her behind. They didn’t understand what they’d thrown away. She deserved so much better. 

She deserved everything .

I’d never lie to her, I never had. I’d answer her questions, I’d give her anything. I wanted her to stop seeking people who didn’t even want her. They weren’t worth it, never were. I wished I could shield her from that disappointment, but she had to learn it and overcome it herself, I knew that. I’d find a way. 

Coping with your parents throwing you away like garbage was something I’d attempted for many years now, at least I could relate. 

A terrifying realization had really taken seat within me. I wanted her to see me as I am, to understand my pain and suffering, but more than that, I wanted her to accept me as a man who cared very deeply for her. 

My thoughts were interrupted as I felt a disturbance in the Force ripple through me. My body went rigid with anxiety. 

Ahch-To was in sight now, my apprehension and fear vibrating through me as I descended into the atmosphere. I reached out to feel what was there. 

I could feel her Force signature thrumming with power, and it gave me a strange feeling of pride. She could hold her own, she was strong. That hole in the Force… had she defeated him? Killed him? 

No, I didn’t think she was capable of such. She was still too firmly entrenched in the teachings of the light side, she’d avoid killing him at any cost. 

She needs me to do it for her. I’ll bear the burden. 

By the moonlight, I could see there was one large island ahead with small uninhabitable craigs around it. She was there. I’d seen this island in her mind long before she came to it. 

As I approached, the Falcon was visible on a ledge. There was space beside it, and though a bit begrudgingly, I landed beside it. 

Cold. Yes, this was the place. I could smell the salt water, the wind whipped wildly. Though it was already raining, a larger storm was coming. 

Suddenly, she rushed down the gangplank. Tears streamed down her cheeks, I was bombarded with her emotions. Grief, anguish, fear. Those were the strongest and easiest to identify. The intensity at which she felt them took my breath away for a moment.

I hadn’t thought about what I’d do once I got to her. Luke was nowhere in sight, but my body went ahead as though on a mind of its own, closing the distance between us rapidly. As I got closer, she was trembling. Fear? Cold? She was drenched again, likely from fighting in the rain, my sweater probably wasn’t dry yet from the last confrontation. 

I was overcome with relief, she was in one piece, she was safe. 

As I came into arms reach, she looked up at me with this unbearably soft look filled with need. I couldn’t explain what overtook me, the next things happened so quickly.

Her cheeks were in my palms, almost as though I had to feel for sure that she was real. She reached for me, her hand gripping at the fabric across my shoulder, and tilted her face further toward mine. My heart was already pounding noisely in my ears, but I was a man possessed. 

My hands dropped to her waist and pulled her flush against me, then my lips came crashing down upon her waiting ones. 

She reciprocated, I was reeling. 

Her lips moved against mine in such passion, the Force hummed all around us in contentment, as though it were some sentient being. Had I ever felt whole before? Like some immeasurable chasm in my soul had been filled so completely. My heart beat wildly in my chest as I looked down on that mysterious being. 

A scavenger. Rey. Mine.  

I could feel my cheeks were flushed, my mouth still hung dumbly agape in disbelief of what had transpired. The equal shock in her expression, and the furious red that burst across her face, made me wonder if she was so inexplicably compelled as I was. 

A bloom of doubt in the back of my mind, a lack of trust in others, whispered Does she regret it? 

It felt like we stood there staring at each other for an inordinate amount of time, paying no heed to the rain soaking us further. Doubt and confusion swirled around us, was it just mine I was feeling? I couldn’t tell. I began to worry she’d flee from me, and I hoped desperately that she wouldn't. 

But then, she suddenly lurched forward into my chest, burying her face in my dense tunic, and sobbed. I was off guard a moment, then realized she had indeed been crying when I arrived, and she needed my comfort. 

She needs me. That beast cooed possessively.

I shuffled us forward under the canopy supplied by the Falcon , removing her from the rain and taking the dense, waterproof cloak from my shoulders and wrapping it around her tiny frame. She trembled still, so I undid my waist belt, opening up the damp, armored tunic to reveal the warm, dry underlayer. 

She shifted and curled into the now available warmth, I could feel the puff of her exhaling and the hot tears through my shirt. I held her closely and let her cry, resting a cheek on her head while the other hand gently worked through the mess of hair half undone. 

After several minutes, the crying ebbed and her breathing became more even. Embarrassment? She was bothered that I’d seen her cry again? She meekly peeked a look at my face, her cheeks were red again, I didn’t understand why. 

She wiggled around under the tunic and cloak, then thrust something out for me to appraise. 

“Sorry I took it...” She mumbled.

Oh. My lightsaber. How did I forget that? I needed to regain my wits. I grasped it without remark, and fixed it to its normal position on my waist belt. 

There was another important thing I had let slip since arriving. 

“Where is Luke?” The disdain was surely evident in my voice, though I tried to sound neutral. 

She choked, fresh tears leaping forward. “Gone…” 

My face mashed in confusion. She didn’t appear hurt, some bruises and scrapes, but nothing substantial. Did he leave? 

“What do you mean?”

She tearfully, but pointedly, looked out to her left for a moment. 

She took my hand, how I liked that , then began to lead me away. 

As we walked, I used my other hand to clasp my tunic and waist belt, and removed the cloak entirely to drop on her shoulders. Her eyes were sullen, but she gave me an appreciative, if strained, smile in return. My hair was plastered to my neck and face at this point, but I didn’t care. 

We approached a demolished hut. I had suspected he might’ve destroyed her dwelling and led to her staying on the Falcon . We continued past it into a large field along a slope. There was evidence of battle here, burned and upturned earth, rocks scattered around with unnatural grooves or lobed in half. 

That’s when I noticed the body.

She released my hand, staying rooted to the spot some several feet away as I got closer. There was no Force signature I could discern, and no breathing. The skin was grey and held no indication of life. He hadn’t aged well. 

Bastard.  

He was definitely dead. But why hadn’t his body disappeared? He didn’t become one with the Force? Maybe he was damned. 

Good.  

“I didn’t mean to.” She said, voice barely above a whisper. 

Consciously, I couldn’t see her intentionally killing him, though I might take more pleasure in that thought. To kill a hero of the Resistance? That would take a lot of darkness. Though hers could be stoked, it wasn’t strong enough right now to have been capable of such.

“Don’t cry over him. He doesn’t deserve your tears.”

She flinched. I’d meant to sound more gentle than hateful, but I couldn’t hold back the venom when it came to him. I was still too angry, even after all these years. 

She cried, though I could tell she was trying to be quiet and fight back the sorrow. Why was I always causing her pain? Her connection to me thrust her into this danger, it was the reason he tried to kill her and she was suffering now because she had to defend herself. She didn’t want to kill him. 

As much as I hated him, she didn’t. 

I sighed, turning back to her. The beginnings of light were trickling over the horizon and the rain had relented temporarily. I tilted her chin up to look into those woeful eyes, before shutting mine and leaning my forehead against hers. She sighed contentedly, resting her hands against my abdomen. 

The sunrise began to beat against our cheeks, the slight warmth was appealing. 

I leaned away, “Rey.” 

She opened her eyes, gazing at me drowsily. 

“Come back with me.” I said calmly, but anxiety stewed in my gut. 

“You know that I can’t do that.” She replied dejectedly, avoiding my eyes. I could feel the dread and doubt rolling off her. 

I scoffed. 

“You really think you can go back after killing the mighty hero, Luke Skywalker?” I replied sardonically. 

She didn’t like that at all, her righteous fury was back instantly. 

“It’s not my fault he tried to kill me! I won’t run away, they need me!” 

I shook my head in frustration, “No, no, what they think they need is a Jedi . That which you most clearly are not , and never will be Rey, and you know it!” 

I tried hard to keep my cool, but the flash of hurt in her eyes told me I’d passed the point of no return.

“That’s not true!” She yelled back angrily, but her tears gave her away. 

I knew she knew I was right. Why couldn’t she just face it? 

“You’re meant for so much more than this, and you know that too. I don’t understand why you so stubbornly refuse your destiny. I saw it, you’re meant to stand by me. I’ve told you before, you have to let the past die or you’ll never be able to move forward. The Resistance is a lost cause, it’s a waste of your time Rey.” I managed to get out in a level voice, though my irritation was still clear, I was sure. 

“I’m such a fool. I can’t believe I let you trick me.” Her voice turned hard and cold.

Anger. Betrayal. Pain. Disdain. Her emotions whipped through the bond between us, it felt like a slap to the face. 

“I have never tricked you. Unlike others in your life, even yourself, I have always told you the truth. What, is your pride hurt by my honesty?” I replied in disbelief.

How could she accuse me of tricking her? As if my feelings for her could ever be artifice. How could she deny me like this? I felt her passion, how could she still rebuke me? 

That vein of darkness within her grew stronger every time I encountered her. I was so sure she’d come to me after I saw Luke. But no, not even indecision. She was entirely indignant that I’d even suggest it.

“Allow my honesty to hurt yours. You're arrogant and conceited, you care nothing for the feelings of others! I could never be prevailed upon to love such a cruel and selfish man.” She mustered every bit of spite in her body, launching it at me as though a spearhead. 

I tried to be angry, but all I felt was a deep and unsettling hurt. It took my breath away and I wasn’t sure I could even utter a response. I willed my face to be stone, but my lip still quivered slightly, giving me away to anyone that would notice.

My voice finally came quiet and strained. 

“Forgive me for wasting so much of your time.” I replied, defeated.

I promptly turned and headed back down the path to my ship, carrying yet another wound from that woman. One I was much less keen to. 

As I flew away, I tried to steel myself. I wouldn’t be deterred so easily. She had won for now, I would retreat. But, this was not the end.

Despite the pain, even with millions of light years between our hearts, I would come running for her. I didn’t care how far. I’d come back for her, one day. One day. I saw it, she would be with me. 

I knew now why my heart was never satisfied, it was always her. 

I needed her.

Chapter Text

Ahch-To

I fumed for nearly a day after he’d left, angry for what he’d done and angry at myself. I hated that I wanted him. He was the worst. Why? How could I let that monster touch me, kiss me? All he cared about was power, he wanted me to drown in his darkness and use me as a tool in this war. 

I would not be his blade. That would not happen. Not ever.  

But as one day passed into the next, my temper cooled. I knew he was right- begrudgingly. My anger and passion, the violence within me. It was not the makings of a Jedi, and that frightened me. 

I had committed myself to the Resistance, and to becoming someone who could help them in a meaningful way. But now, was I really any better off than I was before I came to this island? I only felt more confused. 

I felt tainted. That cave had stirred something in me, and Ren stoked it further. 

Was Luke right? Would I be some harbinger of destruction? 

No. 

No. That was not me. He was a bitter old man, who’s failure had created the terror of the known galaxy. He was just afraid… right?

If I let my thoughts linger on his death, my breaths became sharp and difficult, my heartbeat a painful staccato. I felt cold and dizzy, the distress bringing me to tears again. I didn’t want to kill him, I hadn’t meant to. I didn’t even know I was capable of that. 

But, worse- the thought that drove me to panic- was that I enjoyed his cries of pain. I took sick delight in watching his life fade from his eyes. 

I was terrified of myself, if I was being honest. 

Such was the reason I remained here. Part of me deeply feared facing Leia. Knowing I killed her brother and all the faith she’d put in me right along with him. 

But the larger part of me feared what I would become. 

In the midst of war, there was no way to hide from killing. How many lives would it take for the dark side to swallow me whole? How could I live with hurting someone who trusted me? Would I even care at that point? I trembled and tried furiously to banish the thoughts plaguing me.

Chewie had been upset, but he believed me. He said he once knew Luke so well, but he wasn’t sure he did anymore when we came here. He knew something had changed in him. 

Thankfully, he had slept through Ren’s brief appearance and was none the wiser about that encounter. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. 

I wasn’t sure what my next steps would be. It had been nearly a week, and I’d mostly been avoiding a decision. Chewie was patient, continuing to work on maintenance and repairs on the Falcon . Not the heat exchange yet, to my despair. 

My sleep was fitful and blighted by nightmares, so I avoided sleeping at times. I’d stay up late into the wee hours pouring over the Jedi texts I had taken from the temple. Some I couldn’t read, in ancient runic languages I couldn’t decipher, but I soaked in all I could. 

Surely there was something within them that could help me. I couldn’t resign myself to the fate that seemed imminent. There had to be a way to purge the darkness. A way to rid my mind of that image of a dark reflection staring back at me.

I wasn’t aware that I’d fallen asleep, but something was slowly tugging at my awareness, pulling me back to consciousness. I tried to enjoy the brief, peaceful, warm moment before I opened my eyes. 

When had I climbed into bed? That scent wafted through my mind... earth, spice, citrus. Ah. I remembered I had put on his sweater when I finally got too cold to be stubborn about it anymore. It was the sleeve against my cheek. 

But how was I so warm? The heat exchange wasn’t repaired, I should feel a cold draft. Then, I felt lips pressing gently to my forehead.

My eyes shot open in surprise. 

“ You. ” I seethed, lurching upward in the bunk.

His expression was level, no response to my tone. 

Annoying. 

I was further disgruntled to realize I had fallen asleep at the desk, and he had carried me to the bunk. He had pulled the blankets up over me as well, then had the nerve to kiss my head. As though he were permitted such an intimate gesture.

“Why are you still being kind to me?” The aggressiveness in my voice wasn’t missed, he looked away with a huff, irritation clear in his features.

“Must you continue to insult me with the accusation that my only motivations for kindness are deceit?” 

I scoffed, refusing to dignify that with an answer. I would not be used. 

“I care about you.” He said bluntly, his eyes smoldering with more he didn’t say. 

It caused a strange reaction deep in my gut, one that I was too unsettled by and didn’t want to analyze. 

“Loathsome creature.” I sneered. 

He smirked, which infuriated me further. 

“You don’t mean that.” He replied. 

“Yes I do!” I growled in frustration, but his eyes were alight with amusement. He was teasing me. He was enjoying this? He was truly demented. 

“Go away.” I glared at him where he perched casually on the edge of the bunk. 

“I can’t control it anymore than you can. We’re connected for a reason.” He grumbled back.

I rolled my eyes, tossing myself back onto the pillow with a groan. I tried to burn a hole into the ceiling with my eyes, a futile endeavour to ignore his presence in hopes he would disappear. 

Damn him. He was still staring at me! 

“I will never join you.” I spat, I wanted to make him angry. I didn’t want someone like him pursuing me. Why couldn’t a nice Resistance boy be obsessed with me instead?

“I disagree.” He said calmly, unaffected. 

He was unbearable. I’d worked hard to find calm, but now the anger and passion were surging through me, a tempest of disgust and need. I hated him, how could my body be so blasphemous? 

He smirked at me again, as though he knew my thoughts. I gave him another pointed glare, before tossing over to face away from him. Go away, go away, go away! I chanted in my mind, hoping I’d somehow find a way to will him gone. I heard him sigh, but he didn’t move.

I must’ve dozed back off despite myself, but luckily he was gone when I awoke. I silently wished it would be a long while before he reappeared. At least I didn’t have a nightmare. I needed that rest. 

I’d been reading about combat forms, and I decided that would be a welcome reprieve to exhaust my body. Maybe that would help quiet my mind. 

At first, it did. It felt good to swing the saber, hearing it sing as I struck out into the air. An ominous looking storm was rolling in fast, but I decided I didn’t care and kept going. My movements were starting to slow from exhaustion, a sheen of sweat covering my exposed skin and dampening my robes. 

The rain began, softly at first. I stood catching my breath, prepared to give in for the day and retreat to the Falcon , but a sudden, large strike of lightning in the field ahead sent me reeling. I felt the blood drain from my face and my limbs shook, I ran inside the Falcon with all I had left. 

I managed to stow away in my quarters before I collapsed completely, my body wracked with sobs, struggling to gasp in air. 

Luke’s face, distorted in pain, flashed in my mind. 

No, please I begged. Though to whom, I was unsure. 

“You’re a murderer Rey. A dirty little hypocrite. You belong together, a monster for a monster.” That dark doppelganger taunted me, her eyes cold and cruel despite her singsong voice. 

Mocking me like a child. 

She dragged a pointed nail down my cheek, I swore I could feel it slicing my skin as it traced from below my eye down across my jaw and neck. Like Ren’s scar. 

“You’re wrong! You’re not real!” I yelled back in defiance, but the sinking feeling in my heart betrayed me. 

I wasn’t sure I believed that anymore. 

Maybe she had always been there, she was just awake now.

She kept on, saying cruel and profane things. I sobbed in frustration, my hands covering my ears in futile effort to stop the voice in my head, desperately trying to block out her words. 

“Get out of my head! Stop it!” My despair was growing by the minute. 

I wasn’t asleep, there was no waking up from her this time. I couldn’t escape. 

“I am you, you’ll never escape me. You’re just a child, lost and out of control. Afraid of who you are.”  

Painful things were trying to bubble into my consciousness, and I was fighting a losing battle against them. 

“Rey? Rey!” That voice. 

Blessed Maker, the spell was broken! He had rushed toward me, dropping to his knees, preparing to reach for me, but he didn’t have to. 

In shock and relief, I lunged upward, locking my arms around his neck. He didn’t hesitate, powerful, muscled arms doubled around my waist securing me to him. 

Safe. Safe. I’m safe. She’s gone.  

I focused on my breathing, bringing it even as possible, soaking up his forever heavenly warmth. He was like a furnace, my personal Jakku sun. 

I couldn’t bring myself to care that I was supposed to be angry with him. I was much too frightened to be alone. And a disquiet part of me knew, he’s the only one who would understand. 

He was silent, rocking back onto his heels and then onto his rear on the floor, pulling me along gently into his lap. I felt his worry and apprehension. One hand started to gently rub my back as I composed myself, still hiding my face from him. 

His patience with me was unnerving. I wish I felt so certain and confident in my future as he did.

Maybe she was right, maybe I couldn’t escape the fate she laid at my feet. He was willing to bear all my hostilities, assured by the vision he’d seen. His faith was flattering. 

And well, if I was being honest, I was a selfish creature. I knew reaching to him for comfort in one moment, and rejecting him in the next was cruel. But I couldn’t stop myself. 

Was lack of self control an evil trait? My mind was numb and overloaded from...whatever the hell that was, and I just couldn’t give a damn more at the moment.

I pulled back from his neck, sparing only a quick glance into his eyes, before tangling my hands in his damp hair and dipping forward to claim his lips. His posture went rigid beneath me, he was wary. 

But it was fleeting, because the next moment he was gripping me tightly and consuming me like a starved man. 

When we finally parted out of need for oxygen, I appraised my situation a little more fully, and my cheeks reddened. He’d clearly just showered, he was nearly nude, save only for a pair of silky black boxer briefs. I averted my eyes, but he didn’t mind it at all, clearly.

“You say that I’m cruel, yet you kiss me like that.” He chuckled once. 

He sought out my eyes, brushing loose tendrils of hair from my face gently. The softness and understanding in them when they did meet mine made my heart flutter. When his large thumbs brushed over my cheeks, wiping away the tears, the fluttering spread to my stomach. 

I must be quite the mess, always crying around him. It made me feel very childish and I didn’t like that. 

“Talk to me. Who was in your head?” His concern was very serious as he searched my face, I could feel the anxiety just at the edges of my consciousness. 

I didn’t reply, unwilling to think about it. Instead, I burrowed my face into his neck again, hiding my face from his gaze. He sighed, but held me still. 

The Force around us became more calm, but the undercurrent of sorrow became more pronounced as the minutes passed. 

“We engaged the Resistance today.” He said solemnly. 

I knew he felt me stiffen. 

“I felt her. I had the shot lined up.” His voice was tense, remorseful maybe. 

“What happened?” I asked quietly. 

I wasn’t sure he’d tell me. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

“We went after them. They tried to get out of range so we’d be called back…I couldn’t do it. The bridge was destroyed by my teammate. I felt Luke finally join the Force, but not her. She’s alive, somehow.” 

I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. Had he ever confided in me before? Why was I pleased he did? His account sorely lacked detail, but then, we were still technically enemies. I supposed that was probably all I would get. 

“I had just gotten out of the shower when I saw you appear crumpled, wailing on my bedroom floor.” I felt his arms flex tighter, as if protective of me. 

I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to comprehend this man. I was hateful to him, but his first instinct was still to protect me. 

“Talk to me.” He said again, calm but firm.

“A storm rolled in fast while I was training. There was a huge bolt of lightning and it… took me back to that night, back to what happened.” I pulled away from his neck finally, bracing myself with a hand against his chest that I stared at as I recounted.

“I felt like… like I couldn’t breathe, like my lungs were collapsing. I felt ice cold and I couldn’t stop shaking. I’ve been haunted… stalked in all my dreams, by this… creature. A monster.” My eyes darted to his for a moment to gauge his reaction, but I saw none, just him listening with rapt attention. 

“She looks like me...almost. But she’s not human. Teeth like blades...fingers like claws...glowing yellow eyes. Wearing all black, like some hellbound reaper. And she says… such horrible things.” I covered my face, rubbing at it with trembling hands, as though that would erase the memory.

His hands gripped at my waist just barely tighter, his eyebrows drawn together as he contemplated what I’d revealed. 

“A panic attack. A visceral reaction to a trigger reminding you of the trauma you experienced when Luke tried to kill you.” He explained, rather clinically. 

“No. When I killed Luke.” I muttered woefully, lightly resting my hands on his shoulders. 

He looked at me with a puzzled expression, “He wanted to kill you, and you defended yourself, as you rightfully should. He died as a result, but that was his own fault for coming after you like that, don’t blame yourself.” 

I swallowed hard, I didn’t know how to make him understand. “It’s like… I wasn’t in control anymore. I never… I didn’t want this.” 

I tried to fight back the emotions threatening to surface again, but Ren made an unusual face at my admission that gave me distraction. 

“And you didn’t choose it, Rey. He did.” He replied with intense conviction. 

I nodded, then finally moved to stand. He watched quietly. 

My eyes drifted to the text on my desk, those runes I couldn’t read. 

I turned back to look at him, my mouth opening in question, but he was gone.

Why did it bother me? I had to stop spinning in circles, he was my enemy. It was good he was gone. Less opportunity for him to corrupt me and confuse me more. 

But then, I was already horribly confused. He probably knew that. 

What an entire mess. 

All my life, I had so intensely desired affection and belonging. Why did it have to be him that finally offered that to me? All those cheesy fairy tales on the Holonet made love sound so effortless and easy. Something that just happens to you, and works itself out. 

I carefully undressed, folding my clothes neatly and placing them in the bureau, and with anticipation, indulged a guilty comfort. I grabbed the sweater from the bunk where I’d left it this morning. His sweater. And pulled it over my head. 

It fit almost like a dress, I liked the sensation of the cool dense fabric brushing against my nude body. My skin erupted in gooseflesh. I’d rather die than have him know that. But I enjoyed it all the same, taking a deep inhale of the shoulder. 

I flung myself down on the bunk with a frustrated groan. Who’s idea of a cruel joke was to bind me to my mortal enemy? And to top it off, make him strong and attractive? My traitorous body was really the worst. 

This would be the death of me, I just knew it. His touch was unlike anything I’d ever known. Something so tender in him, something I couldn’t explain. 

This sliver of him he let me see, juxtaposed to his chosen identity. How did one reconcile that? He wrought pain and destruction, yet offered me safety and comfort. He rushed into my broken moments, and filled the voids in me. 

I laid there divided. This week had been hell, but his voice shut out all the noise. I was so deeply and unshakably relieved when he appeared. I couldn’t get him out of my system. 

I was shackled to this man by the Force. But why? Everything that had happened since we first met had surely pushed me in his direction. Was it fate? Was I really fighting against the inevitable? 

But still, I folded so quickly. I hated how weak that made me feel. I couldn’t just give in, right? I wasn’t sure of much at the moment.

It felt as though I’d closed my eyes for only a few seconds, and when I opened them, I was in a strange room. 

I was alarmed, naturally. This was not where I was seconds ago. Was it seconds? Was this a vision? Another odd Force connection? 

I spun around, but the room, though huge, was completely void of life. A glossy, obsidian floor beneath my feet, and blood red tapestries covered the walls. An empty dais in the middle of the room. 

How strange. It seemed like there were objects that should fill the space.

“You’re wondering why you’re here.” A deep voice echoed through the chamber. 

I spun around wildly again, but still no one. I sensed the dark presence around me, as though I were being enveloped in it. 

“Who are you?” I asked, forcing a calm I didn’t truly feel. 

“Oh, I think you know.” There was a sultry lilt to his voice that gave me pause. 

I didn’t like that. 

Instinctually, I wished Ren was there. But, as soon as the thought came, I cursed it away. I didn’t need him, I was strong enough on my own. I didn’t need to be saved.

That unsettling voice chuckled darkly. 

“You’re Snoke, aren’t you?” 

He hummed an affirmation. 

“Aren’t you going to ask me ‘why?’ with righteous indignation?” He sounded genuinely curious.

“No. There’s no point in asking that of someone like you. You’re just evil, and you enjoy manipulating and hurting others. You enjoy watching the galaxy suffer. I know all I need to know.” 

His answering chuckle was dry this time, he didn’t sound amused. “I have the answer. To the question you still have.” 

I startled hard. 

I was cautious, better to play dumb I figured. 

“What question? I have many.” I said, my tone still firm. 

Suddenly, a violent push sent me flying face first into the floor. My face smacked against it, and though I reached up to wipe blood away, there was none to my surprise. 

However, the light reflecting off the obsidian moved, and that grabbed my attention. 

It was like the cave. 

The surface was changed, like a fogged glass. Again, two shadows moved on the other side, but I couldn’t make them out.

I couldn’t resist, Ren was right, it was my greatest weakness. 

“Show me.” I breathed, fixated on those shadows. 

But, as soon as it had come, it was gone. It was back to shiny obsidian again, much to my chagrin. I slammed my fist against the floor in frustration. 

“I won’t be toyed with by you!” I yelled, still looking for the voice I couldn’t see. 

“Come to me, child. I’ll show you what you seek.” It all turned to black, and my body jerked violently as though I was about to fall out of the bunk while asleep.

I was relieved, it was a dream, some strange trick my mind was playing on me. The room was so black, I could barely make out my hand. Was it this dark? I reached for a wall console to turn on a light, only to be met with cold, smooth durasteel. 

No console. 

A panic slinked it’s way down my spine. I was still in the sweater like when I must’ve fallen asleep, but these were not my sheets or blanket. They were too dark, and much too high quality. 

How the stars did I get here?! I sat up abruptly, crossing my arms in an act of self comfort at the vulnerability I felt. 

I was entirely nude to the exception of an absurdly large garment, in a bed that was not mine, in a ship that was most definitely not the Falcon . I didn’t even have shoes! 

Then, dim light filtered over my shoulders onto the floor below me. I couldn’t see much more, but I turned around to assess the change introduced to my environment. A shade had risen from a window, the dim light was coming from the stars and planets outside. 

Then, I realized there was an outline of another human in the bed, tangled in the sheets. 

“Rey?”

Chapter Text

Supremacy

I'd been churning over and over in my mind about my last encounter with Rey. 

Surely, these visions she kept having were of her dark nature trying to break through, and I'd be lying if I said that wasn't pleasing. But, there was a part of me that felt guilt over it. 

She was so distressed. She stirred very strong, protective instincts inside me. It upset me greatly to find her in such a state, even if it was oddly satisfying the way she clung to me. 

A tug of war inside myself, wanting her to fall into the darkness with me, but wanting to save her from it too. I had to quash that thought, she'd never meet her potential caged in by the rules of the light side.

She had to be corrupted. That innocence in her would have to be lost. 

But, could I control how it happened? Something really struck me though... What she'd said when I told her she wasn't responsible for carrying the burden of Luke's death. 

"I never… I didn't want this."  

It was an echo. An echo of a young Ben Solo, watching his uncle's temple burn, dead padawans surrounding him in the rubble. 

She couldn't have known. She'd never seen that particular memory, because I'd buried it so deep.

The steam started to build up in the fresher, drawing my attention back to the task at hand. 

I stepped into the shower, letting the hot water ease the tension in my shoulders. Corruption. How would I go about that? Where was her weak spot? 

Me. The beast echoed in the back of my mind. 

Hmm. Maybe there was something to that. The way she looked at me when she saw me unclothed. She was always bashful about it, but it was easy to tell she liked it. A thought to toy with. 

I finished washing and turned off the tap, reaching for my towel.

I felt too tired and apathetic to bother with more clothing, ready for sleep to claim me from a weary day. I tossed the towel to the floor and slipped on some boxer briefs. Then fell onto the bed with a sigh, smacking the console on the far side with the Force to lower the viewport cover and plunge the room into pitch black. 

I was still too warm from the shower to bother much with blankets, just tossing the sheet over my waist and letting the drowsiness overcome my senses. 

"Kylo?" A sweet, familiar voice drifted through my mind.

She's here again so soon? My eyes opened, but I wasn't in bed anymore.

I was in a dining room from all appearances, an opulent one at that. Coruscant? I looked down, appraising fine, black robes. Robes not intended for battle, nicer than anything I'd worn in many years. 

Then I remembered, Rey had called for me. 

"Rey?" I asked, looking around, but not seeing her. But then, she peered through the doorway, as though she'd been searching for me. 

"There you are. What are you doing? You haven't changed yet?" She walked in, and my eyes went wide.

Her hair was down, glimmering curls that had surely been let loose from some intricate updo. Her face freshly washed, and a black gossamer dressing gown lined with fur graced her skin. It was tied by a sash high on her waist- pushed open by a swollen belly. 

I couldn't hide my shock, I knew I must look like a fool. 

She laughed, "What? Why are you looking at me like that?" 

She glowed, radiantly happy. I closed my eyes and felt around us in the Force, I needed to know. What I suspected was true, she felt like a night sky. Powerful darkness enveloped her, but stars of bright light still gleaned through.

When I opened my eyes, I was back in my bed again, much to my disappointment. 

However, I felt a violent twitch to my right in the bed, and heard something palming along the wall. 

I didn't recall letting a droid in. 

Then, I felt a panic creep into my awareness, but I was still too drowsy to be so alert, and recognized it wasn't mine. Whatever it was, it jerked upward as I utilized the Force to retract the viewport cover. 

As the light filtered dimly across the bed, I noticed the feminine figure just arms length from me, a familiar silhouette. She turned toward me to look at the now opened viewport.

"Rey?" I asked, though I knew it was her. 

She startled, observing me silently. As my eyes adjusted, I noticed her state of dress. My own sheet was half up her thighs where she sat, a familiar black sweater pooled around her waist, her hair loose around her shoulders. 

It made my mind race back to the other Rey I just saw, and I felt blood rush to my groin in response. 

She looked dazed, slowly crawling closer to me. I pushed myself upward with one arm, bringing our faces so close I could feel the little puffs of air across my skin as she breathed. Her hazel eyes drifted down to my lips. 

I didn’t want to speak, didn’t want to break this strange spell. 

I gasped involuntarily as gentle fingers traced over the tender flesh of my scar. Goosebumps broke out across my skin. I let my eyes close, leaning into her touch. Her fingers ghosted over my lips, then slinked down my chin and neck.

I felt exposed. Transparent.

It wasn’t the first time I’d been hardly clothed, but I’d never felt quite like this. Like she could see and scrutinize every individual cell that composed me. 

Her lips gingerly met mine. Impossibly warm and silky and perfect. 

My hands reflexively sought out her skin, caressing her neck as she deepened the kiss. Her tongue mingling with mine was slow, but sure. No hesitation, no holding back.

It wasn’t a hurried, ‘comfort me’, desperate kiss. It was soft, leisurely, and explorative. Something much more than red hot passion. 

An undercurrent of smoldering longing enveloped me. Like somehow the tension that always kept our rocky relationship pulled taut, had melted down into something smooth and relaxed. How did this happen?

She pressed closer against me, and there was no hiding how my body reacted to her. I could feel her grin against my lips.

I felt something warm palming at my erection over the sheet, and nearly choked. This had to be a fever dream. 

She pulled away suddenly, only to surprise me again by swinging a leg over my waist and seat herself in my lap. I thought I might pass out as she reclaimed my lips and confidently swayed those little hips to engorge me further. 

I tried to keep it together, but a groan escaped me despite my best efforts. My hands gripped her waist tightly, as if it would anchor me and keep me from being washed away in a tidal wave of lust. 

We quickly turned into a coiling pile of sheets, thighs, lips, and moans.

There was a shift in the energy. Something…possessive. Jealous, maybe. Jealous of what? I couldn’t distinguish who these feelings were coming from. My brain was clouded by the thought of another man touching her… it made my blood feel hot.

She pulled away, but I was reluctant to open my eyes. Afraid she’d be gone if I did.

"Tell me you're mine." She breathed. 

My eyes popped open in surprise. Maybe I was delirious. I shook my head slightly. Surely I misheard her.

“What?” I whispered back. 

“Tell me. That you’re mine, that there’s no one else for you.” Her tone was steady, her eyes locked on to mine with a fierceness to them. 

I thought my heart might surge from my chest at the possessiveness in her voice. 

"I'm yours Rey, forever." I murmured into her ear.

She trembled in my arms, holding me close, and it felt like the whole universe shook.

I sat there holding her closely for a moment longer, then she gently pushed away from me, rolling onto the bed beside me. She pulled the blankets up over herself as though she were staying, a very casual and comfortable gesture. 

How odd. 

Was I asleep again and hadn't noticed? I sincerely hoped that this wasn't a dream. So vivid. 

Please don't be a dream. 

She reached for me, and I laid down, turning on my side to pull her into my embrace. She nestled herself against my chest with a contented sigh. I didn't understand, but I wasn't going to ask. 

Some might complain I was mercurial in temperament, I'd certainly met my match.

I could hardly believe she’d just made me cum in my underwear like a pubescent teen. Was she teasing me? Had she never been with a man?

Hmm. I realized I didn’t know how old she was. But she was definitely young, maybe she hadn’t.

I smoothed away some strands of hair from her forehead, pressing a kiss to her brow. Her eyes were closed, but she smiled softly. She peered through her lashes at me drowsily and muttered one final word before drifting asleep, "Mine." 

I didn't know a word could shake me the way that one did. 

I was enormously flattered that she found the idea of possessing me desirable, but it was emotional too. Almost as though she was assuring herself, as though I was something worth possessing.

She'd be mine, I'd seen it, twice now. I didn't know why it was so hard for my heart to accept the reality laying in my arms. Maybe something deep down inside me would always feel unworthy. I'd been made to feel unworthy all my life, maybe I'd never be able to shake that. 

No matter what mood of hers awaited me tomorrow, no matter what softness or cruelty, I'd never stop fighting for her. That vision of her, I'd have it by any means necessary.

Though she laid in my arms happily tonight, perhaps my heart was reluctant because it knew this wasn't a happy ending. I knew her far too well to believe she'd turn so easily. This was only a reprieve to stoke the fire between us. 

But I had no doubts we'd come to the end together, and I would stay this path resolutely.

Chapter Text

Ahch-To

I woke from a deep sleep feeling more rested than I had...ever that I could remember. 

A blush bloomed across my cheeks as I recalled the vivid dream. I wondered quietly if his room really looked similar to my imagination.

 The things my mind would come up with, honestly. I needed to shake those inappropriate thoughts and focus. I needed to make a decision soon, Chewie was getting antsy about sitting around here. 

I got myself up and headed for the fresher. I must’ve gotten too hot in my sleep, I felt sticky and sweaty. Strange though, because it was so cold. I shook it off and stepped into the shower.

I stood under the falling water, already missing the scent his sweater had left behind on my skin. My mind lingered still, the way he looked at me, awe and desire tinging his features…The way his lips moved against mine- so deliberate, but ravenous. 

I blushed again at the thought of how bold I’d been. I’d never been with a man to have any real idea what I was doing, even in my imagination, but I’d seen some holofilms on the holonet that depicted sexual scenarios. But I’d known those were fiction and not how couples really were. 

Shit. How was I even remotely referring to me and Ren as a couple?! As I washed myself, I couldn’t help but feel like something was… different. I couldn’t put my finger on it, and I couldn’t stop circling back to the thought. 

My lady parts were wet, but then again, after such an intense dream, I expected that. Just not quite...that much. 

A realization started prickling it’s way across the back of my skull. I was only vaguely aware of the water pattering down on me as I jerkily slid down the wall of the shower in shock, collapsing into a pile on the floor. 

I felt like the air had been sucked out of the room.

Then that meant... if that was real...that conversation with Snoke was real too... 

My cheeks burned hotter than any day I could remember under a beating sun. Oh, my traitorous body had indeed gotten the best of me this time. And I was quietly furious with myself for letting my desire bowl me over. 

I’d chided myself over and over- he was my enemy! Why did I give in at every turn despite my own intentions? I’d absolutely had no plans on a tryst with him, but I’d just gone right along with it because I’d naively convinced myself it wasn’t real. 

I’d never been dropped into his surroundings before, how could I have known that was actually his room? 

In the safety of a dream, it had been so appealing… I scoffed a little at thinking my own imagination would be so convincing. I felt so stupid. How in the hell was I going to face him after this? How would he react? 

How tenderly he held me afterward, how happy and safe I felt. It made me enormously guilty. 

I groaned again remembering another thing I’d let slip. Being so possessive was probably one of my worst vices I tried to bury. But I’d tossed it right out for him to see. 

If a rancor could just swallow me whole right then. That would be preferable. 

Mine . 

My insides clenched at the thought. I lost my breath again when his face flashed before mine, his expression before he leaned forward and replied so passionately, a husky voice against my ear, “I’m yours, Rey. Forever.” 

He liked the idea of me possessing him, and very willingly fed into that specific desire. 

My heart pounded loudly against my ribcage and my head started to throb with the beginnings of a headache. I hoisted myself back up to finish cleaning myself and get out before the water went cold on me, trying to shake off the oppressive thoughts. 

I knew this would only fuel him further, trying to turn me. I couldn’t contain my dread and frustration at that thought. 

But, maybe this could be turned into leverage to pull him somewhere in the middle with me. There had to be a way that didn’t end with one or both of us dead. I couldn’t bear the thought of him dead, if I was really honest with myself. 

I slowly toweled off and dressed, then started a series of stretches.

The air was dense and heavy all of a sudden, an inexplicable weight settling on my bones that fixed me to the spot and sent my lungs heaving, struggling against the perceived external force. 

Suddenly, that familiar vacuum sensation. So soon? 

All sound stopped around me, I sensed the intruder behind me. I felt his energy envelop my own in a familiar gesture. Against my better judgment, I couldn’t help but sink into the feeling. 

It was safety; feeling the surge of our powers intertwining with each other. It was heady; a feeling like nobody could harm me.

But it was a difficult feeling. This was a safe haven I feared somewhere inside. And not just because of who he was. I felt hollow when he was gone, and afraid when I was with him. Afraid of my own feelings, terrified that I wanted more. 

What did that say about me? Jedi were forbidden from attachments, and I felt I was already too dangerously far past that line. I didn’t even know how to love someone. How would I know how to be loved? 

Kriff, I was already on about love... But we fit like a key to a lock, and it terrified me.

My insides twisted in knots, I heard a sharp intake of breath behind me. He was surprised to see me so soon too, I guessed. 

A silence that felt long stretched between us, but neither seemed to be willing to break it. 

The Force hummed in harmony around us, the bond between us felt as though it was thrumming in contentment. 

He finally spoke, his voice low, slinking down my spine. “Were you thinking of me?” 

I dared to turn and meet his gaze, and found a pleased, possibly playful expression on his face. I couldn’t fight the blush blooming across my face, so I turned away abruptly to face the wall. 

“I thought it was a dream.” I replied quietly. 

I heard his steps, heavy boots bearing down the distance between us as he moved toward me. 

“Oh, you only want me in a dream?” 

It felt like an electric current reverberated between us, and in such close proximity it morphed into a voltaic arc that blinded us both to all reason. 

Flashes of him beneath me appeared in my mind, those intoxicatingly dark eyes drinking me in, his broad porcelain chest tensed under my fingertips, the labored sounds of pleasure that dripped from his lips. 

I took in a shaky breath as his energy crackled in my space.

Only a second later, his arms rose to touch the wall on either side of my face, caging my body between him and the wall. 

I hadn’t answered. 

My heart was thumping wildly again with his proximity, it was hard to think with his scent overriding my senses. 

His gloved hand pushed under my shirt and glided up, pushing my shirt up as he went. My belly coiled in awful desire, I could feel the heat building between my legs. My body was willing even when I knew I was awake. 

But I knew I shouldn’t want him, that we shouldn’t do this. 

Damn him.

He leaned over, flicking his tongue across the soft skin of my neck, taking it in his mouth and sucking it, my hand reflexively gripping his tunic at his waist behind me and I whimpered in unwitting encouragement. 

He grabbed my hips and twisted me around to face him. My entire body felt like kindling screaming to be burned up in his fire. 

He looked up at me hungrily, and Maker , I was hungry too. 

I’d never been with anyone before. But even just this little taste, now I understood why people acted like such madmen. The possessiveness inside me was unfettered, and it frightened, yet excited me.

He gripped the back of my thighs, pulling them up and toward him then hooking them over his hips, causing me to grip his shoulders in effort to maintain my balance and not keel over. 

My ankles instinctually locked behind him, and I was now very aware of his straining erection now pressed against my wet, hot center through our clothing. 

A shiver of pleasure ripped through me, and he grinned at the little gasp. He took both my hands and pinned them above me with one large hand over my wrists. His eyes raked over me like a predator about to devour his kill.

I could fight it, I could stop it. He wasn’t going to force me, I knew that somewhere deep down. 

But my brain felt numb, how I wanted his pleasure, how I wanted him to undo me. My body trembled, in acute desire for that sweet ecstasy again. 

My better sense tried to break through the fog.

 “We can’t do this.” I finally panted, my rational side was hanging by a thread, but screaming at me to stop this. 

“Oh but we can... Your body is crying for attention.” His mouth was hot and tempting on my neck and trailing down my collarbone, releasing my wrists.

“No, wait-“ I feebly pushed against his broad chest, I wasn’t even convincing myself in my resistance. 

“I’ll only do what you want.” He breathed against my sternum, stepping back from the wall and bracing my lower back with a gloved hand against my hot skin to arch my body toward his face as he craned over my smaller form. 

“I don’t want this.” I said with a forcefulness I didn’t really feel. 

“Don’t disrespect me with lies.” His face lifted from my chest and the eyes that met mine weren’t angry, but they burned with intensity, fixed and unyielding. 

“Not like this.” I muttered. 

His posture relaxed slightly, pulling my body upright against his and hiding his face in the crook of my neck. 

“Why?” He groaned.

“It’s not real.” I breathed, praying he’d relent, because I wasn’t sure I could gather the strength to repel him. 

“It feels real.” He muttered petulantly, sucking the skin beneath his lips and gripping my waist under my shirt with his gloved fingers, pressing my hips into his. 

I struggled to bite back a moan, and he pulled his face back, a smirk teasing at his lips. His eyes glittered with mirth, and I tried desperately to hang on to my resolve. 

“But it’s not.” 

His eyes softened with disappointment, but I was relieved when he released me gently with a frustrated huff. Yet, confusingly, my body ached at the loss of his. 

When he stepped back, without thought, I stepped right back into his space. His hands reflexively landed on my waist. 

As the fog of lust started to dissipate, his expression was cautiously optimistic. 

There was so much light trying to shine through him in that moment, fears of my own swelling darkness were forgotten in a sweeping moment of vulnerability we basked in together.

I reached out and cupped his cheek in a tender gesture, he closed his eyes and leaned into it trustingly. When he opened them again a second later, there was so much emotion brimming in those chocolate eyes. 

His mental barriers were curiously still up, I wondered what I’d feel if they weren’t. I wished I could pick at them and tear them down. His feelings were chaotic, but I’d brave any storm with him if I could pull him out with me on the other side. 

I’m not sure what compelled me to admit it, but it tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop it. 

“We’ll be together, I’ve seen it.” I said softly, petting his cheek with my thumb. 

The edges of his lips pulled up, “I know.” 

The immense aching and longing in his face took my breath away. I smiled back for a second, before lifting myself onto my toes and pressing my lips to his. 

His hands at my sides clenched tightly at my robes, pulling me flush against him. His tongue gilded against my lower lip, and I knew what he wanted, but I didn’t give in and pulled away. He was clearly reluctant to end the kiss. 

There was a loud knocking at my door, Chewie must’ve needed something. 

I disengaged him and went to the panel, only looking away for a moment to hover my finger over the button to open it.  

But as it often happened, when I turned back to look at him, he was gone. 

I didn’t know that I would never get used to the feeling of emptiness when he disappeared, my heart clenched in an uncomfortable way. 

Every time our bond severed, the outside world became further and further away, and I found myself waiting to see him again, those stolen moments becoming so defining and etching into my soul. 

If I could escape it, did I want to?

I sighed and opened the door. As I expected earlier, Chewie was antsy to leave and asked what we were to do now. 

It was then that a reckless and crazy endeavor burst into my mind. Chewie didn’t like it at all, but he knew I was too stubborn to be deterred when I’d decided something. 

He relented and went to prepare the Falcon for takeoff. Meanwhile, I prepared myself for perhaps my most difficult mission to date. 

To finally bring Ben Solo home. 

The walls were going to come down, I saw it. There would be no more perfect moment, I had to do this now. 

I was jittery with anticipation and anxiety. Going to him, it was a massive risk. But, I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. 

And that dream about Snoke... I needed to confront him about what he knew too. Best to just kill two birds with one stone. 

I ran a brush absentmindedly through my hair again, then laughed to myself at the absurdity of it. He’d just seen me, and clearly liked what he saw, why the stars was I fretting over my hair? 

It wasn’t long before Chewie had us in position to send me out to the Supremacy . 

We reviewed the plan briefly, then he sealed me into the pod, albeit a bit reluctantly. My stomach lurched as I felt the pod launched out into the open space between the Falcon and the Supremacy . 

I felt when the tractor beam locked onto me, and I could feel Ren watching, his emotions were wild. Excitement, apprehension, pride, possessiveness, lust, joy. He knew I was coming for him, and he was nothing short of thrilled about it. 

I smiled to myself, Leia would be so happy- but that line of thought was harshly severed by her voice. 

“If she forgives him for killing his father, maybe she’ll forgive you for killing her twin, hmm?” She taunted. 

I’d been doing good, I’d almost forgotten her . But fortunately, something about Ren’s proximity prevented her from fully taking hold and manifesting. 

The pod came to a halt, settling in a hangar. I waited in near exaltation to see his face. I knew he would be here to meet me, and as the cover release hissed and pulled away, there he was. 

A subtle smile, no doubt due to our audience, but it was there. He extended his right hand, and I gripped it, rising out of the pod gracefully with his assistance. 

“I’ll hand this personally.” He only turned his eyes toward the squad of stormtroopers, who promptly obeyed and left.

“I need to see Snoke.” I managed firmly. 

He nodded slightly, his eyes inscrutable. “Yes, you do. Come.” 

He inclined his head toward the far side of the hangar, and turned to begin walking that way. I felt the stares beating down on me, and I was tempted to look, but I followed Ren’s example, a straight back and upturned chin. 

I saw him peek at me out of the corner of his eye, and I struggled not to smile. 

When the doors to the turbolift closed, all composure was lost, and we were a mess of tangled limbs and a battle of lips ensued. I was pressed against the wall, his hands buried in my hair and his lips searing hot against mine.

We pulled apart panting for breath, and I broke the silence first. 

“I just need to find out who my parents are. He knows. Then we can get out of here.” I blurted excitedly. 

His face fell, his brows furrowing together. “What do you mean get out of here?” 

I faltered, a creeping dread pitting in my stomach. 

“We’ll defeat Snoke, I’ll help you. Then we’ll escape together.” I replied passionately, resting a hand over his bicep, looking up into his eyes imploringly.

He sighed, turning his head away from me with a dejected expression and releasing me, creating distance between us.

My confusion grew, and that nagging dread with it. Had I really missed the mark completely? I was so sure…

”You were supposed to turn and be with me.” He muttered miserably, avoiding my eyes. 

I sought his eyes, moving toward him and turning my body. 

“How could I? Ben, you know me, I would never. And I feel the conflict so strong within you. You’re meant to come with me, leave all this pain behind.” 

His hands balled into fists and his jaw twitched. 

“Who are you trying to convince? I have seen your destiny, Rey!” He yelled in frustration. 

His voice was forceful and harsh, but his eyes were somehow pleading. 

My mouth opened, but nothing came out. 

I didn’t know what to say, my heart was hurting and it took my breath away. I was so stupid. How could I be this stupid? I was one of those madmen. I was chasing something that could never be, something I never should’ve chased to begin with. 

He turned away again, heaving a deep breath and calming himself. His fists relaxed, his jaw eased. When he faced me again, he was composed, eyes cold. 

“I know when the time comes, you’ll be the one to turn, Rey.”

The doors behind me opened, and I turned with trepidation to find the hauntingly red room from my dream.

Chapter Text

Steadfast

I was at her mercy, her proclaimed enemy, her endless disappointment. Yet, she left me alive. 

She left me.  

I felt an uncomfortably sharp pang in my chest at the thought. I unclenched my jaw, pushing the sweaty hair back from my face. 

It was midway through the night cycle, I was frustrated I couldn’t sleep without dreaming of her. Reliving that pain over and over. I tried to find it in me to be angry, that would be easier. Why couldn’t I just hate her? 

Because you need her. 

Those words resonated deep inside me. 

I felt so confused and betrayed. She wanted to take my hand. 

My fist balled tightly. 

Why did she leave? She wanted to join me, why didn’t she? To have this connection, to know her feelings, know her past and our future, but for it to still end that way. 

Why?  

I didn’t know how to cope with all those convoluted emotions twisting and knotting inside me. 

I grunted in irritation, burying my face in my hands as those unwelcome images were waiting there on the edge of my consciousness to assault me again.

Snoke taking her saber, sitting it beside him on his throne. Her desperate attempts to fight back, even taking my own saber. Her failure. Her face as he tortured her, her scream. Her pain and panic, a bright roar in the Force that overwhelmed all else- even the dark presence of Snoke. 

He could break my soul, take my life away, beat me, hurt me, but not her . 

His proud speech, unknowing it would be his last. His arrogance to presume I would strike her down. Instead, turning her saber and hacking him in two. Fighting the guards. The way her spirit soared, her eyes gleamed with surprise and hope for just a moment before it began. How powerful she felt, how powerful I felt, battling together perfectly in tune, a glorious symphony of violence. 

Somehow, feeding and drawing on each other. I marveled at it with excitement and hunger. Her back against mine, her hand gripping my thigh for balance. Being distracted, worrying for her. But she was strong. I was proud of her. The calmness, the overwhelming sense of purpose I felt for the first time in my life. I knew what needed to be done, finally. 

And I knew how to do it. 

Together.

I beseeched her, but instead she cried for the rebels. I could feel her conflict and her heartbreak. I asked her to join me, teetering a fine line of outright begging. She wanted it, she wanted what I was offering her. I could feel it. I could feel the thought as it worked through her mind, her hand reaching for mine, her anticipating the feel of the leather of my gloves. 

I would exalt her, give her everything she’d ever wanted, everything she deserved and had been denied. But, against even her own mind, I only felt her pull my grandfather’s saber from my other hand. I was confused and hurt, I wouldn’t let her just take it. 

Not another fight. 

Please...   

It broke.

When I woke she was gone, but instead Hux was there. As if things weren’t bad enough, I had to bear him on top of it. 

The remainder of the Resistance was fleeing to the mineral planet, Crait. As the thought crossed my mind to decimate them, to ease the flurry of hurt, rejection, and self-loathing surging through my veins, I heard her voice as though she were standing right behind me.  

“Please... let us go.” Her voice was strangled and quiet. A brief concern she was injured skipped through my mind. 

Then, it occurred to me that she was upset. As if she had any right. 

She left me. She made that choice. 

Why didn’t she stay? I wanted her to share my hurt.

She escaped while I was unconscious, but didn’t take the opportunity to end me. I scoffed to myself. Another foolish sentimental decision. If I was truly her enemy, she’d made quite an error. I could destroy anything left that had ever meant anything at all to her. 

But, I just couldn’t grasp that rage I’d grown comfortable cloaking myself in. Her goodness made her deny me. My lack of it. And it left a scathing inadequacy in the pit of my stomach. 

A coolness, a bone deep tiredness, washed over me. 

I didn’t respond to her. I ordered Hux to leave them to die, there were maybe a couple dozen of them left, it wasn’t worth the effort. They were done. Just finish evacuating.

Normally rage spurred me on, swallowing everything around it as fuel for the fire until it was a wild inferno. But she was a sopping wet blanket, smothering the flames and leaving only pitiful embers in its place. 

My thoughts returned to the present.

My Knights were on their way, and I was due to be announced as Supreme Leader to the entirety of the First Order come the day cycle. I had to pull it together and try to get some actual rest. I needed to look powerful and in control, no weakness. 

There was nothing to be done about Rey right now, and I needed to get my mind on anything else.

—----------------------------------

Two months of excruciating silence had passed. 

I hadn’t worked up the courage to try to open the connection on purpose, and I was confused why it hadn’t opened on its own after such frequent episodes before. 

I didn’t believe Snoke, the moment I heard her voice in my mind as they fled to Crait. If this connection existed because of him and to serve his ends, it wouldn’t continue after his death. 

My late Master had not been the omnipotent ruler I previously thought him to be. 

As to my visions, I felt less confident that those weren’t manipulated... But, I still felt Rey could come around. I had to trust my path, and it would be revealed. There had to be a reason I felt this way. A reason for all that had happened, right?

I’d been furiously scouring planets and plucking out dissidance after the announcement of the demise of Snoke and my taking the mantle. Trying to numb myself. 

I’d just arrived back on the Steadfast filthy and exhausted. I wasted no time making for my quarters, and was caught off guard entirely by what I found when my previously locked door slid open at my command. 

It felt disarmingly domestic, never had I experienced such in my life. 

There she was. It was acute pain and relief all at once, and I was frozen to the spot in the entryway. I’d wanted to see her, so much more than I would consciously admit. 

She slept peacefully, I could see the steady rise and fall of her chest through her shoulders. She faced away from me; her brunette locks fanned out over my pillow, my thick duvet bunched under her arms. 

I did eventually approach, but I remained silent and determined not to disturb her. I didn’t know what to say anyway. It was best to just enjoy this quiet, stolen moment of peace. I could imagine she had fallen asleep faithfully waiting for me. 

Reality was bitter on my tongue though, it burned in my chest. I drew in a trembling breath, but it didn’t help.

I shook my head and sighed at my own foolishness, quietly beginning to shed my clothes as she continued to sleep unaware in my bed. 

I chided myself for letting my feelings carry me away constantly. I’d opened myself to her, pleaded with her. 

And pleading was not in my nature. 

But I did it for her. I saved her life, killed my Master for her, and offered her the chance to change the galaxy by my side. I had seen that future, seen her past, and it was… everything. 

It was whole. It was real. I naively thought that I could take what I wanted. But there was no way to take that. Everything I’d ever been missing. A family, a belonging, a home. 

—----------------------------

Another day passed, filled with the neverending tedium of bickering among the Supreme Council. 

The day cycle was unfortunately not yet over, and I retreated to my quarters to review several datapads that built up while I was away that required my attention. 

With a frustrated huff, I dropped into my desk chair. I had hardly finished the third when I heard the room suddenly become devoid of sound, an eerie stillness and quietness I knew meant only one thing. 

The connection was opening. 

I stood abruptly, searching for her, I knew she was here. As I glanced into the lounge area, there she was. 

But she wasn’t alone. 

My blood felt hot at the realization, further burning to see her on her knees in someone’s arms. Her face buried in their chest, hands clutching at the person’s clothing. 

For some odd reason, it was like trying to look through water, I couldn’t see the person’s face. But, what little I could make out led me to the conclusion it was a male holding her. And I did not like that. 

She had to know I was here, why would she not look at me? Why wouldn’t she disengage him? 

“Who is that?” I asked disdainfully, trying not to let my jealousy show, but not succeeding. 

Suddenly, her head whipped toward me, her eyes wide, fearful. She’d been crying again, I could see the wetness on her cheeks.

My brows drew together in confusion. 

“What’s wrong?” I questioned, despite her lack of answer to my last.

She’d been long past fearing me. What was she afraid of? Me seeing her with him? 

Now I very intensely wanted to make out his face, infuriated that she was seeking someone else for comfort when she was distraught. 

Her eyes squeezed shut tightly, and I felt the connection suddenly wobbling. She was disrupting it? Why? 

“Rey, sto-” before I could even finish, she was gone. 

A prickling cold sensation ripped through me from my stomach to the back of my skull. 

Another rejection. 

She’d never ended the connection before, I don’t think she knew how. 

My mother. 

I was sure she’d turned to her to try to complete her training. Dread pooled in my belly. Had she told my mother about us? This was private. Only for us. Just how deep did her betrayal go? 

I was determined to break through to her, I had an unreasonable need to show her I was there for her. That I was the right one, not whoever that strange man was. I knew her, I could give her everything. 

I knew about her darkness, I accepted her. He never could. None of those Resistance insects could. They were small, feeble minded, afraid. She could never thrive, never truly be herself or become all she could be with such limited people.

I tried over and over, but she’d completely blocked me out. 

I wasn’t entirely sure how to trigger the connection, but I was reaching out with everything, and I could feel her. Somehow, I could feel my energy brush up against hers, but it was forcefully rebuked every time. 

I growled in frustration. I wasn’t going to give up. 

My persistence was eventually rewarded. After several hours, I finally got through. 

I felt the whooshing in my ears, her surprise as I appeared in a small, cramped room with sparse furnishings only feet from her. I felt her surprise melt into a murky puddle of anger, frustration, loneliness, and want.

The beast in me was pleased with that. She may have tried to turn elsewhere, and she might still be fighting against me, but deep down she wanted me. 

“Why did you shut me out?” I demanded evenly. 

“I don’t want to see or talk to you.” She replied coldly, her eyes sharp as blades. 

I ignored it. 

“Was it that dark woman again?” 

That visage wouldn’t leave her alone, tormented her. I was the only one who knew. 

She was quiet for a long moment. 

“Why do you keep on insisting like this?” She muttered, refusing to meet my gaze. 

“Because I know you. The real you. They don’t.” I replied fervently, closing the distance between us. 

My index finger hooked under her chin, lifting her face toward mine. Her eyes finally met mine reluctantly, large and fearful again. 

No, not so soon! 

I felt the connection starting to wane suddenly, and I hurried to continue before she was ripped away from me again. 

“I see what’s inside you. And I am the only one who would not fear what you are destined to become.” 

I saw her mouth open, but heard no reply, as she vanished. 

It was too short. Her guard was down and I was on the verge of something intangible, but this damned connection had a mind of it’s own. 

I returned to my desk, slamming my fist angrily into it. But I deflated, slumping into the chair and leaning back, running a gloved hand through my hair with a sigh.

—------------------------

Almost a full day of silence passed, her wall was strong and unrelenting, and I had other matters to handle. 

Among them, the arrival of a new prototype TIE/wi modified interceptor, or Whisper , I had ordered built at my specifications and would now push it’s limits and record flight data for Sienar-Jaemus Fleet Systems. 

It had increased speed, range, and firepower. The brief bit of time I had to put it through its paces was promising, and I was eager to become more acquainted with it. 

But the night cycle was finally upon us, and I ate dinner quietly in my quarters as I continued looking over an endless stack of datapads.

There was something...off. A strange feeling, almost like something was crawling under my skin. Something warped, putting everything off kilter. 

I wrote it off ultimately as exhaustion catching up to me. Hours of physical training, meetings, flight tests, and now consuming report after report. My brain must’ve been protesting for rest, that was the logical conclusion. 

I showered, then pulled on some underwear and a shirt. I sat down on the edge of my bed and worked on my wet hair with a towel, when the connection suddenly decided to open again unbidden. 

My heart raced, had she initiated it? She wanted to see me now? 

I was filled with hope as my eyes scanned, looking for her. I was dropped into her surroundings again, the same cramped room as before. It was dark, but there was a light on in a small adjoining fresher. 

She was there, almost nude, appraising herself in the mirror. I couldn’t help the way my eyes raked over her body, nothing but underwear and her chest bindings interrupting the view. I felt the heat rise in my cheeks, and blood rush to my groin in response. 

I approached her slowly. 

Her tanned skin had a light sheen of sweat, her face flushed. Her lips parted in surprise as her gaze locked on me in the mirror. 

Her response was unexpectedly violent, and distressed. 

She spun around and screamed at me tearfully, “Dammit! Get OUT!!” 

I felt the connection wane and strangle, but she didn’t escape again before I saw the bruised mark on her neck. 

I was stunned, struck bone still to the spot. The connection slammed shut abruptly.

My mind was unforgiving, filling in blanks with my imagination that were better left empty. 

Flashes of another man's hands caressing her skin, lips on her neck. Another man eliciting wanton noises from her. Another man pleasuring her. Possessing her. 

The idea she might want him was caustic, eating me apart. My insides twisted and contorted, I suddenly felt ill. 

She was with another man. 

His mark was there on the side of her neck, she didn’t even try to hide it. Dark and clear and practically screaming at me. I had no idea what my face must look like, I couldn’t hide my shock if I tried at that moment. 

I knew my mouth hung open, unable to utter a word, trying to process what I had seen. Hurt and confusion churned through me like a tempest. The delicate control I’d had a tenuous hold on crumbled like a pierced hull in the pressure of deep space. 

The walls groaned and creaked loudly around me, my emotions vibrating out through the Force wildly, but I paid it no mind. 

“HOW COULD YOU-” the wail came surging from me, unbridled in fury and betrayal as fist connected with a durasteel wall, “DO THIS TO ME.” 

My eyes blurred, hot liquid pooling in them.

I doubled over as a phantom pain seared through my gut, doubling my arms across my waist as I glared at the floor, gasping and trembling as a sob wracked through me. 

The next word to rip from my chest was much less intelligible- more the cry of a wounded animal. I barely recognized the guttural sound as mine. 

I could taste the saltiness of the liquid rolling over my lips. A dam that had held strong now burst, a gushing torrent pouring out of my soul and drowning everything. 

I collapsed to my knees and hands, tears like beads glistening on the floor below me for a moment before I shifted onto my side and settled with my back laid on the floor. 

My heart was quivering violently in my chest, like it might just stop entirely. I’d give anything to make this feeling go away. 

Cut open my chest and carve it out, I wouldn’t care. Just make it stop. 

I closed my eyes. I imagined her as I first met her on Starkiller, achingly beautiful and ferocious, poised above me as I lay wounded and bleeding. A reverse grip on her saber as its blade pointed downward at me menacingly. 

I then imagined the sweet relief of death as she plunged it through my heart and ended my misery permanently. 

I couldn’t be sure how long I laid there. 

What I do know is that I couldn’t bear the feelings anymore, and sought drink. While not a normal vice of mine, I typically abstained completely, I wanted anything that might numb me. 

I’d kept a couple bottles of Chandrilan raava, and I figured that would do well enough. 

When I woke in the morning, I didn’t remember what happened after pounding back as much as I could tolerate as quickly as possible. But I discerned quickly upon waking on the cold floor of my fresher that I’d destroyed nearly everything not bolted to the floor or walls. 

Datapads, clothing, bedding, a couple plates, even random toiletries were strewn all over. 

I groaned and cradled my pounding head between my knees. 

I couldn’t be sure what time it was from where I sat, but the intensity of the lights suggested it was within the day cycle already. The fact nobody appeared to have come looking for me yet bode well at least, but surely I had another jammed day I was running behind on already. 

I had to tamp down the feelings that led me to completely unravel last night, I had to force myself to function.

I was frustrated that I couldn’t stop needing her, no matter how she hurt me. 

And she hurt me. 

More deeply than I ever imagined she could. To feel so entirely rejected and replaced was an immeasurably heavy weight around my shoulders. Not only had she locked me out, there was another man. 

The thought brought bile to my throat, and made my mind race wildly. An impulsive and insatiable need to reclaim her pounded in my veins.

Mine. MINE. The beast rattled the walls of my composure, doing nothing to calm the whirlpool of my emotions. 

But yet, I still couldn’t hate her. 

She had spurred the resolve within me to do what had to be done. She gave me purpose, yet tormented me endlessly. 

No matter how I tried to purge her from my thoughts, as soon as I had an idle moment, she barged right back in. 

I’d get through the day, then find an excuse to be away again. I had to find a way to dam the hemorrhaging of emotions. 

Violence. I needed violence. 

I needed exertion and adrenaline. I needed to display my power and dominance. It would quelch the burning, consuming inadequacy tearing through me. It would numb the pain and make me feel in control again. 

Then maybe with cooler blood, I could figure out what to do. Because I definitely would not let this affront lie.

Chapter Text

Ajan Kloss

I don’t know what I expected. 

Well... I guess that’s a lie. I know what I expected. 

I just cannot fathom why. Why I let myself be so foolish and carried away. I guess Snoke had thought Kylo Ren wouldn’t be strong enough bait, so his dream was just a failsafe to get me onto the Supremacy , but it seemed he severely underestimated his apprentice. 

There was only one positive in all of it, that Snoke was dead. 

His promise to tell me who my parents were, unfulfilled. He lied. I don’t think he even knew.

At first, I’d been bereft upon arrival on Crait. But, there wasn’t much time to dwell on any of it. Ren didn’t respond to my plea, and the Resistance was keen to regroup and find a new hiding spot as quickly as possible before the First Order decided to polish us all off. 

Leia corralled everyone onto the Falcon as soon as Chewie arrived. 

Leia had apparently been comatose until not long before, and it was Vice Admiral Holdo who had smashed the Supremacy apart while I was on board in a desperate maneuver to save the fleeing transports. 

Of course, I had found that out from a new friend, Poe, while Finn was deeply invested in the care of a girl I came to discover was named Rose. 

Finn was terribly relieved that I was safe, but otherwise couldn’t be bothered much with me while Rose was recovering. I hated how bitter I felt about it, how lonely it made me. 

Awful feelings enveloped my heart in those moments. My only consolation was Poe, who tried to keep lighthearted conversation. But still, my mind only wandered back to the throne room incident. 

We had shared a profound longing, honesty, and heartbreak. There was no hatred, no malice, no manipulation. There was only two people who’d come to realize how deeply they cared for each other. 

And the crushing disappointment that neither of us wanted to be what the other wanted them to be in that moment. A line drawn between us, that I was now painfully realizing would probably never be crossed.

I had woken before him, and took a moment to quietly look around at what all we’d destroyed before standing and approaching his defenseless form. 

I could’ve struck him down, it would’ve been easy. But the Force wasn’t done with him, I knew that somewhere deep inside. 

His life was mine to take in that moment, but I couldn’t bear the thought of living in a world where he didn’t. It could never be my hand, of that I was sure. I was too hopelessly entangled. Even if we could never be, my heart wouldn’t allow it. 

So I kneeled, leaning over his softly breathing form, taking in the sight of his serene face. Just once more, before I left. 

Luke’s error had been thinking that his decision was made. Mine was thinking that the choice was simple. 

I gently carded my fingers through his hair, deeply pained over leaving him. I thought I might kiss him just once more before I turned away from him, perhaps forever. 

But I hesitated, my lips ghosting over his. 

If I truly held any conviction to deny the darkness, I shouldn’t dance with it. I pulled away and glanced sadly at the broken saber, then resolved to gather up the pieces and escape while I still could, better to leave before he woke.

—-------------

I’d heard all the stories about how great Poe was, and I admired him in some ways, but what warmed me to him most was a very sincere kindness he held within him. He was boisterous and sarcastic, but to just a small selected few, he could truly be tender. 

I felt very lucky to be among those few in his eyes. 

Where Ren had told me I was nothing, Poe always made me feel like someone. 

Someone important. 

The way he’d looked at me when I had introduced myself, as though I’d just lit the sun in the sky before him.

To him, I was admirable. Worthy. 

My heart felt light. Everything would be alright. 

I knew he really wanted to be friends when he offered to help me with repairs on the Falcon .  

Pilots never want to fix things, especially not hotshot top guns. He wasn’t very handy with repairing things, if I were being honest. But, he was good at fetching tools and anticipating which one I would need next, and supplying entertainment all the while. He had so many amazing stories, and I loved soaking them in. 

I didn’t know what made him gravitate toward me, but I basked in the comfort of it.

I wasn’t sure he’d ever let me live down a particular gaff of mine late one night running on little sleep. 

He had a mind to tease me that time, when he’d handed me the wrong thing. I demanded a different item, which he plucked deftly from the toolbox next to him. But, instead of handing it to me, proclaimed I couldn’t have it and it was his. 

We laughed and bickered back and forth, but finally my weariness took over and I blundered through a haughty demand, “Give me your rod!” to which he hysterically laughed, I blushed violently, and he teased me for days after.

—----------------------

A month passed, nothing from Ren. 

It was bittersweet, a part of me longed for him. Missed him. But a very stubborn part of me was glad. I had to keep him out and stay my path. I was the last hope for the Resistance, and I couldn’t let them down. There was so much riding on my shoulders. 

I had been training under Leia, a task that consumed me with guilt most days. Dark Rey never let me forget it either. She’d been particularly cruel after I told Leia simply that Luke refused to help and he was not coming. Leia and I didn’t speak of Luke again. 

But he wasn’t the only source of my guilt. 

I had failed to bring her son back to her too. More than that, I harbored feelings for him. The duality Leia carried every day seemed intimately familiar to me now. Caring so deeply for someone that everyone around you wanted dead. 

One day after a session, Leia had cradled my cheeks in her small, frail hands. 

She said softly, “Don’t be afraid of who you are, Rey.” 

Her eyes held a knowing look, and somehow that comforted and terrified me. As if she knew about Dark Rey, and all I’d done. It haunted me.

Her words tumbled around in my mind constantly. 

I couldn’t tell anyone about Ren, or Dark Rey. Not only could they never understand, they’d think I was entirely insane. And why would they even want to understand? Heroes didn’t do things like I had done… 

They would be terrified of me, they would fear I’d become just like Ren. I’d become a new nightmare for them. They would reject me. The only person who truly understood in any meaningful way, was my sworn enemy. 

“And your lover.” Dark Rey would taunt for good measure. 

It was a harsh and unabiding loneliness. 

I couldn’t even muster the venom to call him ‘monster’ anymore. Not now that I knew all I did. Not after what I’d done. 

If he was a monster, I was too. 

And I definitely wasn’t ready to face that. 

To the Resistance, he would remain an unredeemable, soulless monster. I would have to lose all of them to have him. I’d have to lose myself. And I wasn’t prepared to do that. 

Every time he crossed my mind, which was often, I’d feel the connection humming strongly, pulling at me. Trying to connect us again. But I would resolve against it, and the feeling would stop. The only relief was that I could seemingly stop us from connecting for now.

After yet another training session, my body was heavy and I was feeling light headed. My mind was bogged down with the weight of a reality I was being forced to process. 

There were only two paths ahead. My destiny was one of them. 

To destroy Ren, or to join him. 

And I knew I couldn’t kill him. 

Leia suddenly pulled me from my thoughts, pointing out that I wasn’t myself and not performing well. To which, I mumbled a pathetic, “I’m just tired.” with a half hearted smile. 

It wasn’t entirely wrong, Dark Rey kept me awake many nights, if not bad dreams.

Leia didn’t press, though her look was skeptical, and dismissed me. 

As I wandered back toward the makeshift base, Finn and Poe approached me. As we prattled on in some small talk before dinner, I noticed Rose not far off. She was standing at a control panel and doing a poor job of pretending she wasn’t watching us. 

I mentioned it quietly to Finn and Poe, telling both not to look. Finn just smiled at me, standing awkwardly still, but Poe, in typical fashion, decided to twirl around as if he suddenly decided to dance, taking a very obvious look in doing so. 

I couldn’t help the laughter that erupted from me as the absurdity of it, not to mention Poe’s ridiculous faces. Poe seemed to delight more in my reaction than whatever lovers’ game was going on between Finn and Rose. 

I’d felt very heavy and tired just moments before, but in his presence I felt light. Like always, he chased away dark clouds in my mind. His smile was bright and earnest. How simple life could be if I had fallen for a man like him instead. 

Maybe none of this would’ve happened. Maybe Luke would be alive. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so tainted.

—-----------------------------

Another month passed, that made two whole months of silence. 

I felt a little angry, but I tried to quash it. He hadn’t tried to contact me. He had abandoned me, like everyone else I’d ever loved, was it really all that surprising? But then, I chastised myself for putting ‘love’ and ‘Ren’ in the same thought. 

I wanted silence, I shouldn't care. He wouldn’t turn away from the darkness, he wouldn’t even meet me in the middle. He was poison and I had to purge myself of him or he’d slowly rot away my insides and kill me. 

Maybe Dark Rey would take over me first.

The Falcon was preparing to leave on another mission, taking Finn, Poe, and Chewie away for a while. But, I had to continue my training. 

I had to reach the Jedi that came before. Or anyone that would help me, honestly. Maybe a Jedi wasn’t exactly what I sought. Maybe that’s why no one had answered. 

The sound of technicians chattering loudly nearby broke my reverie and I sighed. I still hadn’t been sleeping well. 

“Oh, but you slept well last night. You felt him on the edge of your senses, you smelled him.”  

I huffed in irritation, of course she’d choose now to bother me. I did not want to feel, or smell, or anything to do with Ren!

“You stupid cunt.” She glowered at me. 

“Leave me alone.” I growled. 

This was my life, my body, I was in control. I knew people were nearby, I didn’t want to risk looking entirely mad if someone overheard me. 

She cackled evilly, fading away. Relief washed over me.

But it didn’t last. 

In the next second, her voice was loud and firm behind me against my ear, “No.”  

My temper and frustration overcame me. I was so sick of this, sick of her! 

In a split second, I’d activated the saber Leia gave me and swung it out wildly behind me, somehow thinking I’d finally cleave her in half.

Instead, I was met with the confused and slightly fearful face of Poe, just inches from my blade. 

“I’m...sorry?” He muttered softly, unmoving as though he was unsure what to do. 

I had almost killed him. One more step and he would be dead right now. 

I knew the shock must be plain on my face, my hand went limp, the saber falling from my grip and deactivating. I slumped to my knees, staring down at my shaking hands in disbelief. 

She tricked me, I didn’t see it coming at all. 

Why was I always so stupid? She wanted me to kill him! 

I heard a strange gulp-like sound as my vision clouded. 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay! I’m alright, there’s no need to cry. I shouldn’t have snuck up behind you like that, it’s not your fault.” 

He approached me cautiously, holding out his hands, as though I were some feral animal that might lash out at him any moment. I looked up and met his eyes, trying to blubber out an apology, 

“I-I...Poe!” I ended up crying out instead. 

He didn’t hesitate then, falling to his knees just inches from mine, pulling me into his arms and embracing me. He shushed me and rocked us back and forth gently, his fingers brushing over my hair in a soothing gesture. 

I felt so overwhelmed, conflicted and confused . So I just cried, and let him comfort me.

No, no, no, no, no. Not now!  

My heart raced with dread and panic as the vacuum of sound occurred, the connection was opening. 

I clutched Poe’s dark leather jacket in my fist. I did not want to see him. Not now, maybe never. 

My heart tried to protest that wasn’t true, but I resolutely ignored it. 

I kept my face buried in Poe’s chest.

I knew he was here, but I refused to look. I was paralyzed with indecision, I couldn’t let Poe know about the connection to Kylo Ren, but how could I get rid of Ren without Poe noticing? 

Kriff, my luck was unbelievable!

“Who is that?” 

I jerked my head toward Ren’s voice, my eyes meeting his in alarm, could he see Poe? Was I putting Poe in danger? 

“What’s wrong?” Ren asked, his eyebrows furrowing together in confusion now that he could see my tear stricken cheeks. 

I mashed my eyes closed, willing with every fiber of my being to cut the connection. I could feel it start to strain under my efforts. 

“Rey, sto-” his voice cut off abruptly as the connection snapped, and sound returned to the world around me. I sighed in immense relief, pleased I was able to repel him for once. 

“Rey?” 

That probably looked very weird to Poe. 

“I thought I heard someone calling for me and the sudden motion made my head hurt.” I replied, my voice a bit croaky. 

I braved a look into his eyes, they were soft and understanding. He pulled his shirt sleeve over his wrist and started wiping at my cheeks thoughtfully, his other hand resting on the side of my face with a thumb bracing under my chin to hold my face still. 

I blushed furiously under the attention, having forgotten myself earlier. I’d never been this close to him, let alone touching before. 

Poe was undeniably an attractive man, but he was frustrating. Aggravating. A bit haughty and definitely a smart ass. 

Yet he could be so gentle, sweet, and warm. So much so it made me want to scream a bit. 

But he remained by my side. He wouldn’t abandon me. My thoughts obsessively circled on that. 

“I’m sorry, I’m such a mess, I guess the pressure has been getting to me.” I admitted sheepishly, hoping he’d accept that excuse. 

“Well, yeah, being touted as a hero is a bit heavy. A lot of expectations there.” He said thoughtfully, rubbing circles over my back. 

It didn’t escape my notice that he made no effort to put space between us. He smelled of oil and warm, sweet spices. A masculine mix of harsh and sweet, but it was oddly calming. 

My shadow had continued to strengthen within me, to my horror. But, the good, the light, it was in Poe. 

The idea sprung into my mind. 

Maybe I was too far gone to be a Jedi, but I could still align myself with the light, right? The fact that I was drawn to his warmth and kindness, that meant I could still turn away from the darkness. 

It had to be. That’s why Dark Rey hated him. It made sense now.

Poe was a hero, always surging out against the odds. Maybe the odds were against me, but he was used to that. I could cling to his light like a life raft and he would undoubtedly pull me back into safety. 

He could be my hero. He could save me from the bleak fate ahead. I just had to let him. 

I had to make the decision to choose him. I had to decide to deny Ren at all costs and never look back. 

Yet, something inside me thrashed and screamed at the idea of turning away from Ren. Despite it all, I was still so deeply possessive of him. Could I ever escape those feelings? The memories of all that had transpired between us? 

It was immensely selfish of me. I knew that. 

But, if Poe grew to like me, I could grow to like him. A steady, calm type of love. A love that was good for me. 

“How did you know to stop?” I blurted out, wondering why he hadn’t walked right into his death by accident. 

Surely, it couldn’t be all luck that he’d survived this long. 

“I can’t explain it, I just knew I needed to stop there. That something was about to happen.” His brows furrowed together, trying to make sense of that thought. 

Precognition? Could he be Force sensitive? His signature was stronger than most…

“Anyway, are you feeling better?” He asked, moving on without much more thought to the previous subject. 

“I guess, it’s just tough to adjust from being a total nobody, to such big things suddenly kinda revolving around me, you know?” I shrugged, unsure exactly how to say what I meant without sounding like an ass. 

Poe chuckled. “Of course everything revolves around you, you’re a living embodiment of a sun, Rey.” 

He hopped up onto his feet, offering me his hand to lift me up. I blushed furiously at that. 

“I don’t think so, but thank you. I just… feel very conflicted about the things I’ve done, who I really am. I’m not as great as people like to think.” I replied, looking down at my feet. 

I hadn’t noticed my hand was still in his until he gave it a reassuring squeeze. 

“You’re right, you’re even better than they think you are.” He smirked at me lazily, then his expression shifted to a more serious one, “But, really, don’t dwell on it too much. You’ll figure it all out. All of us have a past, and we’ve done things we don’t really love, but it makes us who we are.” 

Poe gave one last effort to convince me to join their mission before relinquishing me, but I declined in favor of my training. We parted ways with the understanding we’d all meet for dinner in a few hours like usual. 

I kept my mental barriers strong, I could feel Ren now urgently trying to break through, but somehow I was blocking it. I wasn’t exactly sure how. 

It had been a few hours, and I was just preparing to leave for dinner when I let him slip through by accident. 

I growled in frustration as I felt his presence bloom in my space, trying to tamp down my want and loneliness that his being was an acute reminder of.

“Why did you shut me out?” He demanded. 

“I don’t want to see or talk to you.” I ignored his question, or maybe I answered it? I gave him the iciest expression I could muster. 

He ignored it. 

“Was it that dark woman again?” 

His mention of Dark Rey gave me pause. I was tempted to wilt, to confide in him how she wouldn’t relent unless he was near. But, I held strong. 

“Why do you keep on insisting like this?” I forced out through clenched teeth, refusing to look at him. 

“Because I know you. The real you. They don’t.” Came his passionate reply, closing the small distance between us further. 

I could feel the heat radiating off him. I could smell him, I loved the scent of him no matter how I tried to ignore it, and without thinking found myself inhaling more deeply. 

His index finger hooked under my chin, lifting my face toward his. I finally met his eyes with deep anxiety and trepidation. He was sucking me in. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to stop him. 

Suddenly, the connection started to wane, and it appeared he noticed, hurrying to finish his speech.

“I see what’s inside you. And I am the only one who would not fear what you are destined to become.” 

My mouth popped open with a gasp at the unavoidable truth of it, but he was gone.

Unshed tears bloomed in my eyes. How did he know all of my fears without me even saying? He seduced me so easily, I was immensely grateful the connection was short. I was frustrated at my weakness, and how Ren kept bringing up my destiny. 

Everyone kept on about my destiny as though they knew it better than me! 

It was as though the bond was trying to stop me, but dammit all! I would make my own destiny! My life, my destiny. MINE. Nobody was making decisions for me, I was a grown woman and I would do whatever I wanted. 

It was decided then. I was going to choose Poe, damn Ren to hell. Bossy little shit would not rule my life.

I tried my best to keep cool through dinner, but now I was so focused on every little detail, my stomach furled with anticipation and eager energy. Every sideways glance, every smirk, every gentle thigh squeeze he gave me when he laughed. 

My heart was pounding loudly in my chest, I had a mind to wonder if he could hear it seated next to me. If he noticed, he didn’t let on. He was casual and relaxed. 

He was so very close, I was sure if I leaned in just slightly I could smell the soap from his freshly washed curls glistening with moisture under the lights. 

Finn gave me an odd look or two, but I was immeasurably grateful he didn’t call me out on it. 

If Poe were to reject me, I’d much rather bear that mortification quietly and in private. I knew he was older, probably much more experienced than me. Probably had his choice of any number of jaw dropping women. 

Yet, it didn’t escape my notice, without fail every day he was here. He was seated by me at every meal. And that without appearing too eager, he took every opportunity to remain close to me or touch me. 

It gave me hope. 

Hope was a dangerous thing.

Chapter Text

Ajan Kloss

Everyone lingered after the meal, as was typical when a mission was looming the next day. But slowly, everyone started to disperse, and we watched Rose not too subtly trying to pull Finn away with vague amusement. 

Poe stayed staunchly by my side. 

“Could I talk to you, Poe? In private.” I asked quietly as the others departed. 

He seemed surprised, “Oh. Yeah, of course.” 

He didn’t hesitate though, following me back to my quarters. I walked past the desk to my bed and sat on the edge. 

“Would you close the door?” I asked.

Again, he was not visibly uncomfortable, but he did seem surprised. 

He closed it. 

He then covered a couple more paces, pulling the chair from the desk and sliding down into it effortlessly, dangling an arm over the back of the seat casually. 

“Mmm. His ease in manner belies what’s under those clothes I bet.”  

Fuck. Why did she have to choose now? I needed to focus! I thought ‘Be quiet.’ as loudly as I could. 

For once, no reply. 

Maybe she approved of the deviant behavior I had in mind. Anything to keep her, and him , away.

“So what’d you want to talk about?” He asked, calm and self assured. 

Often characterized as cocky and brash by other Resistance members, he was deceivingly mellow in private. He was typically very playful with me, but he wasn’t prideful or rude to me ever. He was open. Trusting. 

I thought of the way I’d felt when I’d introduced myself, but he already knew who I was. He’d been looking forward to meeting me. I was somebody to him. Somebody important. 

Now, that same man was sitting there waiting to listen to my thoughts, because he cared what they were.

I stood, “Well. I guess talk might not be the right word.” 

I closed the space between us, tossing a leg over his waist and sunk onto his lap. 

He was shocked and alert now, hands instinctively bracing my lower back as he straightened in the chair. His eyes bore into mine in wonder, but no protest, as I brought a hand to his cheek and tilted down to capture his lips. 

He let out a little groan as he returned the kiss, seeking to part my lips and delve further. He brought a hand to the back of my neck for better leverage. 

His lips were soft and his tongue imploring. His mouth was hot and tender to mine. His skin under my fingers was sprinkled with stubble from a long day, covering smooth, sun kissed skin. 

He was homey and warm, I felt utterly at ease with him. He smelled like cinnamon and cloves. Robust and sweet. He parted from my lips flushed, the red of his cheeks unmistakable, and he didn’t bother trying to hide it. I liked that honesty in him. 

“I-“ he swallowed hard, licking his lips, “I didn’t know.” He whispered softly, searching my face for something. 

Just take me. Take me and make me feel something. Anything.

“I want to be touched.” I whispered back, pulling his hands and placing them against the skin of my belly under my shirt. 

I undid my breast band, letting it fall to the floor behind me. He glanced down, letting out a shaky breath. I could feel the chill in the air, and the way my nipples peaked in response. 

Straddled across his lap, I could feel his already woken member growing harder beneath me. His hands were warm and calloused, roving tentatively, as though I might swat him away at any second. 

My hand slid from his cheek into his hair, gripping the hair at the base of his neck, sending his eyes snapping back to mine with a gasp. 

“Touch me the way you want to touch me.” I breathed. 

I saw a shadow in his eyes, and I felt the thrill shoot down into the deepest parts of me. I slowly rocked my hips against his. He groaned in response, and his lips fell to my neck. He sucked and nipped fervently there, and it numbed my brain blissfully well.

His hands slid down to grab my ass and pull it tightly against him as he stood, walking us over to my bunk.

He set me down on my back on the bed, pulled off my boots, and began tugging at my pants. Suddenly, nerves overwhelmed me. I trembled involuntarily, and he froze.

Poe’s warm, earthy orbs looked down at my wide panicked ones sympathetically as he backed away. I sat up, wrapping my arms around me. 

As if modesty would save me at this point. 

He sat down next to me, our knees nearly touching.

“Don’t get me wrong, I sure like the idea of more, but there’s no rush, Rey.” He smiled at me fondly, tucking stray hairs behind my ear.

I huffed in frustration.

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” I mumbled petulantly. Mostly to myself for flying into this with a half-cocked idea, but I supposed Poe recognized it as innocence.

“There’s no need to be embarrassed. I know you spent a lot of time isolated in the desert, and that probably didn’t offer much in the way of relationships. And I’m definitely not going to take advantage of that.” He replied.

“But… you are interested in me? Like… relationship interested?” I fumbled and blushed at how awkward I felt asking. 

I hated how insecure I felt. Ren… He was so obvious and physical, there was no doubt. But Poe backed down so easily, it felt almost like a rejection.

Damnit, do NOT think about Ren!

Poe chuckled.

“Of course I am, Rey! I’d have to be stupid, not to mention blind, not to!” 

I didn’t know what to say, so we both just giggled together for a moment. 

Poe flopped down onto the bed casually, leaving a space for me. He gestured to lay down with him. 

We laid there together for a while. He told me stories about his family and his childhood. His fingers leisurely brushing up my back and shoulders, my arm tossed across his chest as I curled against his side and laid my head on his shoulder. 

“You’re sure you don’t want to come with me? It’d be much more fun.” He wagged his eyebrows at me. 

I chuckled. “I’m sure.” 

He stuck his bottom lip out in a dramatic pout, and I laughed. 

“Not even a teeny, tiny bit?” He whined playfully nestling his face in my neck. 

“Poe! I have to stay here. Besides, you don’t need any distractions, you need to be sharp for your mission.” I pulled back to kiss his jaw as consolation. 

“Well, I suppose this is real good motivation to get it done and high tail it back here to you.” His eyes met mine with a broad smile overtaking his face. 

I giggled when he wagged his eyebrows at me again. 

“You had better hurry back. I don’t like to be kept waiting.” I feigned a stern look at him over my shoulder as I sat up.

“Oh, no, I know much better than to leave a woman waiting.” He placed his hand over his heart for dramatic effect as he also sat up. 

My nerves returned. 

“I think you ought to get back to your room, lest anyone notice.”

I waited with baited breath to see how he responded. He smiled softly, but the tinge of sadness in his eyes wasn’t missed. 

“Yeah, you’re right.” He stood up, facing away from me. 

“I just think we should have time to figure things out between us before we go making it public, you know?” I added gently, hoping that eased his mind. 

He turned around and gave me a much brighter, more hopeful smile that time.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re probably right, I shouldn’t get ahead of myself here.” He chuckled to himself a little. 

“How do you mean?” I asked. 

He bit his lip. I watched the indecision, and some embarrassment, flitter across his features. 

“Ah, well.” He scratched at the back of his head in a nervous gesture, “I think I’ve liked you since the moment we met, Rey. I just... always thought you wouldn’t go for a guy like me. Thought you might like someone else, truthfully. And hells, I sure wasn’t going to turn you down tonight, but I worried maybe it was just a sex thing, that maybe you didn’t really like me.”

He wasn’t oblivious like some liked to think he was. But, his vulnerability was extremely endearing. He would be a good partner. 

Sensitive, but receptive. Willing to talk about his feelings, without hostility. That was a refreshing change for sure. 

“I guess I’ve been a bit too preoccupied, it took me a bit to really pay attention. But when I did, I liked you quite a bit. I want to explore things and see where they could go. It’s not just a sex thing… I don’t have experience with that. But, I am curious…” I rubbed my arm nervously, feeling odd about talking so frankly about my innocence.

Poe beamed, wasting no more time and leaning in to claim my lips again in a soft, gentle kiss. 

“Good. I’ll see you when I get back.” He parted to speak, then rushed in again for a little more urgent, more passionate kiss. 

He bit his lip and took a large breath when he pulled away, as though trying to shake away thoughts so he could will himself to his feet again. It was bittersweet to watch him slip out into the hallway discreetly. I might really miss him this time. 

The next day was tougher than I expected, and it seemed a strain for Poe too. 

His expressions were easy to read, and he didn’t like that he couldn’t be openly affectionate. It was as though he couldn’t bear the secret, fidgeting and getting lost in thought as goodbyes and conversations happened around him. 

Finn, perceptive as always, picked up on the change, but merciful as always too, he didn’t bring it up. 

The departure was brief, and then they were gone. I expected to feel relieved, but instead I felt anxious.

I moped about until it was time to train, and I performed a rigid, perfunctory session. Leia gave me another shrewd look, as if she sensed my heart and mind were elsewhere. Were they ever really focused on the task? 

Maybe she wondered if she should suggest that was my problem, and I’d reluctantly agree. But, alas she was silent on it, and dismissed me for the day. 

Everything was quieter, duller. Maybe falling for Poe wasn’t quite the ‘task’ I’d approached it as. Maybe he was already a bit ingrained in my life, I just hadn’t noticed it.

I collapsed into bed after dinner and a shower and struggled to get to sleep. No Dark Rey tonight. Not yet anyway. But, rather the empty, longing, nagging feelings kept me awake. 

I tossed and turned, regretting having surrendered my sheets for clean ones this morning. Maybe the scent would help me sleep. Eventually though, I drifted off. 

—------------------------

This time, I knew for sure I was dreaming, because I was watching myself from outside my body. 

I couldn’t control, much less stop, what was happening. 

It was daytime, I watched myself look around a clearing in the jungle of Ajan Kloss, before leaning up against a broad tree and sliding my right hand into my pants. 

I was... pleasuring myself? 

Then he was there. 

Standing just feet from me, but I wasn’t startled. Was I expecting him? 

“I see you were thinking about me.” 

I pause, but don’t attempt to obscure what I was doing, only turning my face to look at him. The sheer heat in his eyes threatens to melt my core on the spot. He closes the gap, and pulls open the tie of my tunic, letting it fall away from my chest. 

I wasn’t wearing my breast band. Then he’s trailing the back of his gloved hand over my exposed breast, I gasped, but didn’t move away. He leans over, flicking his tongue across the erect nipple, taking it in his mouth and sucking it, my hand burying in his hair and I’m whimpering in approval. 

He shifts to the other breast, his gloved fingers gliding up my thigh and delving into my waistband. He inserts two fingers without warning, earning a loud cry. 

He straightens, kissing my neck up to my ear, “how did you feel today?” 

It seared through my gut like a knife, the thought that Ren knew what I had done. Knew about Poe. 

But I remained with eyes closed, enjoying the pleasure and attention he lavished me with. My body didn’t flinch, no trace of guilt or shame. 

I answered, “Achingly empty...” 

He practically purred with delight. “Mmm. You long to have my cock fill you?” 

As if to answer, my hand found his hard length straining painfully against his pants, rubbing it through the material. 

He suddenly removed his fingers, making quick work of his waist belt and shredding his thick armored tunic. He tossed his boots and pants, leaving him only with his gloves and sleeves still strapped tight across his collarbone. 

To my dismay, I was looking back at him lustfully. I shimmied out of my own clothing until I was completely bare, laying down on the soft, mossy ground. 

He moved down onto his knees at my feet, “Spread your legs for me.” He commanded firmly, but gently. 

I obeyed all too willingly. 

He then tilted his head appraising the view of my glistening wetness awaiting him. 

“My dirty little girl aren’t you?” He crawled over me, kissing and sucking along my sternum and grazing my right nipple with his teeth. 

I pouted. “I have an ache that needs satisfying.” 

I rubbed my wetness against his length to illustrate my point, earning a groan from him in return. He grabbed his cock at the base and held it out stiff for me, his eyes locking with mine in an unspoken challenge. 

I wasted no time rocking my hips forward to push the tip inside. His hands found my hips with bruising intensity, but let me continue to writhe, not taking me. 

I whined with frustration, “Fuck me, please, I need more.” 

How could he say no? I’d never known him to be one of much restraint. 

One arm swooped underneath me, grabbing a handful of ass, the other grabbing the base of my neck. I spread my legs as wide as I could, eagerly. Then he was driving deep and hard, rewarded with loud moans punctuating the wet slapping of skin. 

As if that just wasn’t enough, like he wasn’t satisfied he’d felt every centimeter of my insides, he pulled my knees over his forearms. Both palms now lifted me by my ass as he leaned back onto his haunches, leaving my fingers clamoring to find purchase on the vastness of his shoulders for balance. 

His gloved hands grabbed my waist roughly, the enormity of them swallowing me. One was enough to cover the entire expanse of the skin there. With the same bruising force as before, he used his grip to bounce me up and down atop him, impaling me with his absurdly thick cock on each downward pull. 

The obscene noises from me made my gut clench in want of the pleasure my mysterious double was in the throws of. The looks of his face, awash and passionately lost in coital bliss. The noises he made were equally loud and profane. 

People were so close, I could hear them, how did they not notice what was happening here? 

My true self’s own arousal watching this display peaked to the point it was nearly painful. Watching us cry out together in a tandem climax, watching the way the very ground and trees seemed to vibrate with the energy of it, was breathtaking. 

It was no cold, loveless thing. 

Despite the sweat and intense heat of our bodies coupled with the summer air on the jungle moon, we were glued together post-coitus. He made no move to disjoin us, and I made no effort to remove him from inside me. 

Our lips were locked in feverish kisses, limbs tangled together as fingers sought purchase in each other’s hair. 

When finally our lips parted, all he said was, “They don’t deserve you.”

 —-----------------------------

I woke up with a start, panting and unbearably wet. No coherent thought made it through, only the instinct to relieve the pressure built up in my core. Desire slithered down my spine as my fingers dragged along my belly and into my underwear. 

I was not unlike my doppelganger seen moments ago, head tilted back and eyes closed as I pleasured myself. 

I could feel Ren’s touch burning across my skin like phantasmal gloved hands. His breath on my neck.

Mine. Mine. Mine... Release.

Afterward, I felt dirty. A type of dirty, a kind of tainted, I had not felt before. 

My heartbeat was still thrumming along, starting to slow. A thin sheen of sweat coated my bare skin, and tears threatened my eyes. I managed to swallow them down thickly, rising from the bed to go wash myself off. 

As if that would somehow make me feel clean again. 

I couldn’t even make eye contact with myself in the mirror. I peeled my sweaty nightshirt off and I examined my body slowly. 

Ren was vast, deep, and sweltering red hot. Poe was warm, homey, and so sweet. How could you compare such different things? I had no desire to compare them at all, but apparently my subconscious had other ideas. 

It felt somewhere deep in my skull like my very brain itself was starting to tear. My mind was unable to cope with such distortions of reality, the stress of trying to recognize these visions or imaginations, from connections or real life was beginning to finally undo me. 

What was real? What was true? What was wrong? What was right? What was manipulated, conjured? What was me? What was my shadow? Where did I truly end, and Dark Rey truly begin? 

It was getting harder and harder to tell. 

Ah, she finally makes her appearance. I knew it would be any moment. Ready to twist the knife in, I’d bet. Ready to slap the red mark of a whore on my chest.

“Oh my, the rebel prince wrapped around one finger, the dark prince wrapped around another. What a wicked bitch you are after all. Such a little whore.” She taunted with devilish glee.  

“Stop it.” I ground through clenched teeth. 

I didn’t enjoy my position. 

“Don’t lie to yourself. You enjoy it!” She giggled.  

“I hate you! Leave me alone!” I seethed, on the verge of tears. 

My heart was already torn apart with guilt, but she knew that. 

There was no respite from her endless torment unless I was in Ren’s presence. The truth of that was a searing pain through my gut. 

“Darling, you know better by now. This is one of those, what do they call them?” She feigned ignorance with a thoughtful pout, tapping her index finger against her chin. 

“Ah, metaphors! I am you. The part of you that you try to hide from, and try to hide from others. When it gets right down to it, the one you really hate is yourself.” She explained patronizingly. 

I faced away, trying desperately to ignore her. 

“You revel in the power you hold over Poe. He’ll give you anything you want. He’s simple really, a warm blooded male when it comes down to it. Not a lot of thoughts up top I suspect. But, you love the power Kylo holds over you. The way you hunger for him, the way his darkness sings to your soul. The way it reaches deep down in the depths you don’t want to think about. You’re bound to him, you know you’ll never escape him. Let’s be honest, you don’t want to. Poe is a fun little distraction, but Kylo is the one you dream about, the one you really want ravishing you. You need him, and you hate needing anyone. But it all comes down to one simple fact, you’re a coward.”

My eyes finally locked on my own in the mirror, yellow superimposed over my normally hazel eyes, a cruel smile on my reflection’s lips. 

“I don’t want this.” I heard the strangled cry escape me, but no tears fell. 

“They don’t deserve you.” she said slowly as I heard her voice morph into Ren’s voice. 

I gasped in surprise as my reflection was normal again, but he was suddenly behind me in the mirror, a nightmare come to life. I had no idea her terror could stretch this far. 

I turned on him with all the venom, shadow, and pain in me. 

“ Dammit! Get OUT!!” Whether he was real or not was of no consequence, I had to let all this awful energy out or I might explode.

I blinked. 

He was gone. 

Hot tears burned my cheeks. I felt something twisting and snarling and exploding. The walls seemed to warp and groan, was that real? 

My body burned, like knives under my skin, it took my breath away. I couldn’t reason what I was feeling, but it was powerful. 

The blackness was only rooting itself deeper and stronger in my soul. 

I collapsed to the floor and sobbed. There was no one to run to, no one to save me. I didn’t deserve to be saved, if I was honest. 

I’d never felt so alone. Not even in that bleak cave that night on Ahch-To. Nothing had ever filled me with this kind of despondency.

Chapter Text

Ajan Kloss

I was thankful Poe was gone for a while, I needed time alone to recover and get my head on straight again. 

When I had woken the following day, I suddenly felt like myself again, and much better prepared to process my feelings. I couldn’t shake the foreboding feeling of where those awful emotions had come from, but I pushed down the hard things for now. I had to be strong and focus on what lay ahead. 

And right now, that was Poe returning with the Falcon and I was a bundle of nerves….and it was on fire. 

I heard Poe’s voice drifting across the field as I ran toward it. 

“It’s on fire, the whole thing is on fire, all of its...on fire… Hey! Coulda really used your help out there.” 

He trailed off as he caught sight of me and strode purposefully in my direction, BB-8 right behind me. 

“How’d it go?” I asked with concern, because it didn’t look well.  

“Really bad actually.” He replied. I expected that.  

“Han’s ship…” I glanced over his shoulder at the ship, as he turned his gaze to the droid beside me. 

“What’d you do to the droid?” He asked with an accusatory tone.

“What’d you do to the Falcon ?” I retorted. 

“ Falcon’ s in a lot better shape than he is.” Poe complained, gesturing to the droid. 

“BB-8’s not on fire.” I countered, prepared to badger him more about the Falcon . 

“What’s left of him isn’t on fire.” He kept avoiding the important thing here, and I was getting increasingly frustrated. 

“Tell me what happened!” I demanded. 

“You tell me first.” He replied, stubbornly avoiding my question. 

“You know what you are?” I smirked, beginning to feel like this was a game of some sort.

“What?” His tone was softer, but no smile. 

“You’re difficult. Really difficult. You’re a difficult man.” I couldn’t help the full on smile threatening my features, and he finally softened, stuttering a bit. 

“You are… mmhmm.” He groaned in frustration, a lovely pink blush blooming on his cheeks as his eyes dropped to my lips. 

I noticed Finn watching our exchange intently, so I brushed past Poe to speak to him. Before Finn got a word in, I was met with a petulant roar from Chewie as Poe knelt to talk to BB-8. 

“You lightspeed skipped?!” I turned on my heel, back to Poe.

“Yeah, well, I got us back here didn’t I?” He replied casually, and I stalked back to him.

“The compressor is down!” I shouted in exasperation. 

“Oh, I know, I was there.” His tone was biting, and he wouldn’t meet my eyes. 

“You can’t lightspeed skip the Falcon !” I bemoaned. 

“ Actually, turns out you can.” 

What was with his attitude? He was being so irritable and shitty. 

“Hey guys, you know, we just landed-” Finn cut in and tried to defuse the mounting tension. 

“What happened?” I demanded again.

“Bad news, that’s what happened.” Poe stood and started walking away from us. He was beyond infuriating, I swore silently to myself. 

“No spy?” I asked, trying to keep my calm. 

“No, spy.” He replied curtly. 

“Did we make contact with the spy or not?” I huffed in frustration with his moodiness. 

Finn was beginning to fill me in on the details, but Poe turned on me suddenly, his brows drawn in an angry look. 

“You dropped a tree on him?” He accused, gesturing to the small droid at his side. 

“You blew both sub alternators?” I retorted angrily, handing him his shitty attitude right back.

“Yeah well maybe you should’ve been out there with us.” He replied with a resigned tone, a glimmer of hurt in his eyes.

“You know that I want to be-” But he cut me off, 

“But you’re not! You’re here training. For what? You’re the best fighter we have, we need you.” 

His voice was pitched with emotion as he leveled me with a look that said something he couldn’t- I need you . 

Understanding washed over me. 

Maybe Poe wasn’t as simple and straightforward as I had been led to believe. 

He took off into the base and I let him go, deciding to dawdle a few minutes at least to shake any suspicions I might be pursuing him. I had no desire to stoke the rumor mill.

Poe didn’t answer at his quarters and his door was locked. I gave in and decided he’d come around when he was ready. I couldn’t fathom why he was so upset. 

But when I entered my own quarters, he was there waiting. 

He immediately surged from his seat and trapped my face between his warm, calloused hands, his lips locking onto mine in such needy passion. I clutched at his shirt to keep from falling as his body abruptly collided with mine. 

He pulled away finally, breathless and panting softly. 

“What was that all about?” I asked, my features drawn in confusion. 

He gently backed me into the wall, one hand bracing against it and the other gripping my hip tightly. He closed his eyes and leaned forward until his forehead rested against mine.

“I don’t know. I just...haven't felt right since I left. Being away from you was torture, all I could think about was getting back here. I’m a little freaked out. These feelings are just...intense. And I don’t know what to do with them.” His face dropped into the crook of my neck, both arms wrapping around my waist and pulling me flush against him.

Sweet Poe. I threaded my fingers into his thick curls, running through them in a soothing gesture. 

“I’ve never been afraid of death. Or not coming back from a mission. But when shit hit the fan, when it got tough back there, I was scared. All I could think about was when Mom died and left me and Dad behind. Dad was never the same, wished he had died with her. My mind started racing, worrying about you. Finn told me your parents abandoned you on Jakku…” He pulled back, looking me in the eyes tentatively, gauging if the subject would upset me.

I nodded, knowing the point he was trying to fumble through gently. 

“And I’m not so arrogant to think I’m some incredibly important person to you, I’m not trying to imply that… I just… I don’t know. That got me so fucked up, thinking we’d just had a connection and started developing something and then what if I failed you and I didn’t make it back.” 

His brows drew together, a look of frustration or confusion, or maybe both. 

He continued, “I’d have left you behind, just like they did. Just like Mom left us behind. And that was the worst kind of pain. I still carry it with me every day.” He tugged at the chain under his shirt, pulling out that silver band I’d seen before.

We both looked at it quietly, letting the silence stretch between us. 

I understood, he carried a similar burden. A fear of people leaving, but not returning. Only now, he realized he was the one leaving, and how much was at stake every time we were apart. The hurt he could leave behind him one day. 

“I’ll always fight like Hell to get back, Rey. I never give up, I find a way. I’m not afraid to take risks and stare down the enemy. But, I don’t want to think about you here waiting. I want you there beside me, where you should be. Fighting with me. Maybe I’m a little more selfish than I like to think. But I want to fight this war together, where no one gets left behind.”

The depth of feeling in his words was probably the last thing I had expected. I folded my smaller hand around his slightly larger one, cupping his cheek with my other hand. 

“It’s alright, Poe. I understand. We’re all a bit more human than we want to be sometimes. It was hard for me too, having you away for weeks. I did miss you, a lot.” 

A smile tugged at his lips, “Well, I need to go debrief with Leia. Truthfully, I should’ve gone to debrief first, but I just really needed to see you… See you at dinner?” His eyes returned to normal, glimmering pools of whiskey gazing back at me. 

“Yes.” I released him and he tucked the silver band back underneath his shirt. 

His hand wrapped around the back of my neck, pulling me in for another kiss before he slipped away with a smile. 

At dinner, everyone was in good spirits, we all laughed and listened to the boys’ stories from their mission. Poe had finished his food pretty quickly, which drew my curiosity, but I just as soon discovered why. 

He sat in very close proximity to me, as he always had, and pretending to be sitting with his hands in his lap allowed him to slide a hand onto my thigh without being noticed. I knew my cheeks colored a little, feeling his hand traveling over my leggings. 

After dinner, everyone parted ways, and it had seemed Poe headed back to his room. Not without giving me a longing gaze, but it seemed as much he’d gone to turn in for the night. I didn’t know any better, I had no relationships prior. I didn’t know what to expect. 

But I’d just changed into a nightshirt when I heard the soft knock at my door. 

I hesitated for a moment, given the state of my undress, but decided my shirt was long enough for modesty’s sake and opened the door. 

Low and behold, Poe was there to greet me with hungry eyes roving over my exposed skin. His lips parted, then his tongue darted out to wet them. 

When his gaze finally met mine, his eyes were dark, pupils blown large in lust. I started to say something, but didn’t even get a word out before his lips crashed atop mine. I vaguely registered the sound of the door closing behind him as he ushered me backward to the bunk, his hands finding purchase beneath my shirt. 

I woke the next morning in a warm tangle of skin, finding a sleepy pair of coffee colored orbs observing me quietly. 

“Mornin’ sweet thing. Didn’t wanna wake you.” He kissed my forehead and pulled me in a little closer. 

I sighed and relaxed into his hold. 

The tension was mounted, but Poe still insisted that we didn’t rush things physically. It was sweet really. He did, however, insist on staying the night.

“Will someone notice you’re missing?” I asked softly. 

Poe chuckled lightly, “Mmm...Maybe BB-8, but he won’t rat me out.” 

I’d almost forgotten about the little droid. I stretched out, preparing to rise.

“Well, Leia will be waiting for me to begin training, I had better get going.” 

Poe watched casually as I milled about getting dressed for the day, taking his time clothing himself.

As he headed out into the hallway, Poe grabbed my hand and tugged. I turned back to face him, with a hesitant expression, but I didn’t stop him from leaning in and kissing my cheek softly.

“See you later then.” He murmured with a small smile, releasing my hand and heading off.

I smiled watching him for a moment, before turning back into my room.

Only, I saw a pair of gleaming eyes that stopped me dead in my tracks. Finn saw us. 

I turned what was surely a furious shade of red and immediately ducked him before he could corner me.

I sighed and sat down on my bunk. 

What was I going to do about Poe? I wanted to open up to him, to let these feelings sink deeper. But, my heart stubbornly refused to let go of Ren. 

Here was Poe asking me to fight beside him, where Ren had asked me to rule the galaxy at his side. They really weren’t as different as one might think. 

“Hmm, well, Kylo could rip you in half like a ripe muja fruit. I’m not so sure Poe could manage that. One could say that’s a considerable difference.” I rolled my eyes, of course she had to barge in now.

I huffed in frustration and made a beeline for the shower, keen for distraction.

As the steam faded, I went to the bureau to dress. There among my sparse belongings was a black sweater- a glaring contrast to the lighter, primarily sand color garments I owned. The sight of it made my stomach drop, an instant melancholy came over me.

Would I ever stop missing him? Stop caring about him?

My fingers grazed the dense, but fine material. I should’ve gotten dressed and left well enough alone, but I gave in to the urge to pick it up. I took in a deep breath, savoring it.

What little resolve I had, crumbled.

I slid it on and hugged myself.

No sooner did the connection spring to life, catching me off guard. I didn’t have the focus to stop it.

I knew he was there, but I didn’t look. If I didn’t look I could stay strong.

A long silence stretched. I was irritated, why wouldn’t he speak? Why was I being such a coward? Why couldn’t I just face the truth? If not to him, who could I really be honest with? What did it matter anyway?

“I wish that I could love him. I should love him. I should be with him. He’s everything that’s right and good.”

He scoffed, and I finally braved a glance. His face was carefully neutral, and looking away at a spot on the floor. 

“I’m sorry that I’m such an inconvenience for you.” His tone was bitter, expression downcast. 

“I wish I could make you see.” I replied quietly. 

He scoffed again, then sighed. 

“If only you could see. All you think is so right and good, it’s fantasy. None of it is real.”

He looked me in the eyes then, such a forlorn expression. It made my heart clench. 

“I wish it could be anyone else, but it can’t.” I muttered, more to myself than him.

I leaned in, and he didn’t pull away. My lips met his gently, and he allowed it. His lips moved against mine in perfect harmony, it was always this way. 

So annoyingly right, yet infuriatingly wrong. 

When we parted, he cupped my face in his hands like I was something precious. I could feel the tears, unbidden, rolling off my cheeks and colliding with his skin. He watched them solemnly. 

“I wish you would let it be. You’re meant to be by my side. The universe pulls us together over and over… “ He trailed off, his eyes never leaving my lips. 

His voice was almost a whisper. 

His lips fell to my jaw, then neck, tenderly trailing downward. His hand wandered now to the hem of the sweater, then pushed up along my nude thigh toward my abdomen. I gasped as he palmed my breast, unconsciously arching into his touch as he rolled the nipple between his fingers.

Pushing the sweater up to my neck, he leaned in and brushed the flat of his tongue across my peaked mound, eliciting a wanton noise I couldn’t contain. When he took it between his lips and sucked, I buried my hand in his hair and gripped it tightly, as if that would prevent him from stopping. 

As he teased it with his teeth, a deep, throaty moan was his reward. I was down right squirming now, and I thought for a split second how I shouldn’t let him undo me. But I desperately wanted to be undone. And even if this was the only time, I wanted it to be him. 

He slowly eased me back toward the bed, laying me down and crowding over me. He trailed wet kisses down my torso, his hand making the opposite approach, sliding up my inner thigh. 

His other hand pinned my hip to the bed, as his other fingers ghosted over the wet folds of my womanhood. I whimpered and arched toward his hand. I might’ve had half a mind to be embarrassed if I wasn’t so numb with lust. 

He dragged his fingers downward more roughly, letting his thumb push between my lips against my clit. My body jerked as he circled it harshly. "Please." I whined, the lust hitting me like tidal waves at this point. 

He looked up at me through fallen wisps of unruly hair, his expression inscrutable. He acquiesced and slipped a finger inside me, and Maker. I felt like I’d see stars just from his finger! It felt like every cell in my body was screaming for more, that I had to have more. 

There was more pleasure than this? That was possible? I felt like I could just combust. 

Suddenly, there were two. Twisting and pumping away in me as I writhed beneath him. His thumb strummed on my clit steadily, and I felt something hot coiling in my belly. Almost like that time I rubbed myself to completion atop him, but wilder. More out of control. It was frightening and thrilling all at once. 

Then they were gone, and my eyes popped open in surprise and disappointment. Afraid he was gone. But I didn’t have half a second to worry, because as soon as my eyes found his mess of raven colored curls buried between my thighs, I felt his tongue replace his fingers. His hands slid underneath my ass, grabbing a cheek in each hand to hold me firmly against his mouth. 

No matter how I squirmed, there was no way I could escape him. And blessed maker, why would I want to? 

His tongue glided up across my opening until it landed at my clit, giving it a feverish lashing, earning loud moans of approval and bunches of sheets gripped tightly in my fists. I was teetering on the edge of something, and I was desperate to fall in. 

Finally, he dipped his tongue inside me and freed a hand to rub my bud, tossing me into oblivion. He was unrelenting, lapping at my shivering insides even as I cried out in pleasure. 

As my body relaxed, he climbed back upward to claim my lips in a soft kiss. When he pulled back, his expression was unreadable. Maybe coy? Mischievous? I gasped in surprise as I felt a thick, heavy cock press against my outer folds, sliding against the pool of wetness that had spilled from me. 

Despite an amazing orgasm, my lust definitely hadn't quelled, and I felt his singing to mine. 

My heart thumped erratically in excitement. I didn’t know how it would feel to truly be with a man, but it felt like my body knew something I didn’t. Like it was whispering what I just felt was nothing in comparison to what his hard, hot erection could offer. 

I bit my lip in anticipation, my eyes finding his and praying I wouldn’t have to try to make intelligible words come from my mouth to get him to put it inside me. 

My prayers were answered- his eyes never left mine as he dipped his hips, guiding the tip of his cock to rub between my wet, waiting folds. 

But he kept teasing me, smacking the tip against my mound, watching me writhe in frustration. "Please." I groaned. 

"Please what?" He challenged. 

"Please fuck me." I all but whined. 

As he lined the tip of his cock up to my entrance, my brain swam with nervousness and apprehension, but was overridden with desire.

 I could feel him sifting through the emotions in the bond, then him realizing there was no man before him. He was thrilled. 

I felt the resistance as he pushed in, a prickling, burning sensation as my body tried to stretch and accommodate his size. My fingers clutched fiercely tight into the skin of his shoulders. I gasped and hissed quietly, but I didn’t want him to stop. 

Everything felt so tight, he had stilled and groaned loudly once submerged in me. I didn’t know how it was possible to feel him so deeply inside me, but it felt so good. 

His lips were on mine again, his tongue delving in. I relaxed my hips and tried to spread my legs wider, to draw him in deeper. 

And oh. 

We both moaned loudly through joined lips, as the tip of his dick brushed against something at the end of my insides that felt like… kriff. I just wanted him to do it again! 

 He slowly eased out, then in. I hissed, it burned again. He repeated the action. It burned less. And again. That felt kinda good. And again. That definitely felt good. I moaned, and he picked up the pace. 

He leaned forward, bringing our chests closer together and spreading my thighs further, and oh kriff. He was hitting that spot again! 

In and out. 

In and out. 

In and out. 

I didn’t even know what kind of noises were coming from my body anymore. I was ripping at the sheets and all but crying in sheer ecstasy. 

He buried his face in my neck, groaning as he thrust in again. 

“Maker, I want to fill your sweet little pussy with cum.” He grunted out. 

It was like white hot pleasure up my spine. I’d never thought it once before, but now I was consumed with need. I wanted to be full of cum. Again. And again. And again. 

“Please!” I whimpered into his ear. 

He groaned loudly, knotting a hand into my hair and gripping tightly. His hips started up a punishing rhythm, and I clung to him, holding on for dear life. 

My vision started to feel fuzzy as I arched back, something clawing out of my gut and ripping through me. My eyes started to roll as my pussy violently convulsed around his swelling cock that simultaneously began to throb inside me as his thrusts slowed and became jerkier. 

My insides felt full and warm. I could feel something trickling from me, but couldn’t be bothered to care. I sighed loudly as my body relaxed, letting my eyes drift closed.  

As the throes of ecstasy faded, I opened my eyes. 

And I saw something I didn’t expect. 

Tears. 

Those chocolate pools so full of hurt, and aching longing. 

I brushed them away gently, quietly. 

The connection began to wane, and I braced myself, knowing I would feel bereft the second he disappeared. 

“I hope you think of me when you’re with him.” 

Then, he was gone.

Chapter Text

Exegol

"At last the work of generations is complete. The great error is corrected. The day of victory is at hand. The day of revenge. The day of the Sith."

What had led me to this forsaken place? 

A mysterious transmission came from the far reaches of the galaxy, almost as though a beacon to draw me in. I was all too willing to come. I’d have none threaten my rule, my power. 

Fortunately, my former master had imparted on me much about the arcane lore of the Sith. It led me to Mustafar, where a cult remained worshiping my grandfather held an artifact that might be of use to reach a planet of Sith legends, Exegol. 

While my rampage against the cultists who refused to relinquish it was a little soothing, the comments of the Eye, the final guardian of the wayfinder, stoked the confusion and frustration in me.

"I know what you seek. I must warn you, our fiery planet burns away deception. If you proceed down this path, you will encounter your true self. The wayfinder is yours to take. It will guide you through the Unknown Regions. To the hidden world of Exegol. To him. But take heed, be prepared for what you may encounter in the end."

The thing disappeared right after, leaving many more questions and providing no answers. My true self? What I encounter at the end of my path? 

My rage just fuelled me more, egging me on to Exegol. 

As to what I’d found… I didn’t know quite what to make of it all. What I thought I knew had been turned on its head. 

I acted as though I had submitted to Palpatine’s desires, but I had other plans. Again, Snoke had left me with an unwitting gift. I’d learned how to subvert telepaths. I kept my true intentions strictly guarded, alight with a new purpose.

A cruel streak in me delighted at the information I’d gleaned, the perfect means to get back at Rey. I didn’t have to do much, and I could deliver a blow that would hurt her. 

And in her grief, in light of what she would soon learn, who else could she turn to? She would finally realize she needed me, and that she couldn’t escape this. Couldn’t escape the magnitude of what we were always destined to be. 

So much made sense now, and the path ahead was clearer than ever.

Now the only problem was finding Rey. I couldn’t open the connection, she was firmly blocking me. I’d have to track her down in person. When I reached my Whisper , I sent ahead a transmission to the Night Buzzard and gave the order. 

Find the scavenger.

------------------------

Rey’s POV

Ajan Kloss

I spent the majority of the day wildly distracted. Anger and sadness swirling around in vicious circles in my heart. He had to take that jab. Had to strike out and hurt me, even when he knew I was already in pain.

I was furious. Such a selfish, callous jerk. He didn’t need to drive the knife in, but he did.

I trained with an unusual fervor, and I knew Leia sensed something was wrong. Her looks were inquisitive, but she asked no questions. Was it because she knew I wouldn’t tell her? Or that she didn’t want to risk an answer she didn’t want to hear?

I was still lost in thought as I trudged toward the dining hall for lunch. Finn was several paces behind me, but I was ignoring him. I knew he wanted to goad me, and I was definitely not in the mood.

I could hear him calling after me as I headed to the serving line, but then I nearly ran straight into the General herself. Those few seconds gave Finn the advantage to catch up, but he didn’t utter a word when he saw Leia’s serious expression. 

“Emergency meeting.” She said firmly, and strode off as proudly as she could manage with her cane. 

Finn and I exchanged a worried look, previous thoughts forgotten. Emergency meetings only meant one thing- bad news. 

Everyone gathered in the hangar among the various spacecraft, cargo boxes, and equipment strewn about. Poe was at the center, a solemn and almost angry look to him. 

I saw his eyes scanning the crowd idly as everyone gathered until he found me, staring at me for a long moment before he pulled his gaze away and began to speak. 

“We've decoded the intel from the First Order spy and it confirms the worst. Somehow, Palpatine returned.” 

Collective gasps broke out among the crowd.

“Wait, do we believe this?” Rose questioned in disbelief. 

“It cannot be! The Emperor is dead!” Colonel Ackbar exclaimed.

A couple paces away, Beaumont muttered in shock, “Dark science. Cloning. Secrets only the Sith knew.” 

Poe’s face was tight, cold as stone. “He's been planning his revenge. His followers have been building something for years. The largest fleet the galaxy has ever known. He calls it the Final Order. We don’t know how long we have before attacks begin. The Emperor and his fleet have been hiding in the Unknown Regions. On a world called Exegol.” 

I’d heard of that place! I rushed back to the Falcon to retrieve an old journal of Luke’s I had stolen, flipping through it urgently until I found the page. He’d looked for it, but never found it.

Poe, Finn, and Rose had broken from the crowd and chased after me minutes later, leaving Ackbar and Leia to field the rest of the meeting. They caught up to me as I came back down the ramp. 

“I'm gonna pick up Luke's search for Exegol. According to this, you need a wayfinder to get there, he was close to finding one. I'm gonna start where his trail went cold. The Forbidden Desert of Pasaaana.” 

Poe smiled, “Great, let’s leave first light.” He was halfway up the ramp before I could even respond, yelling inside, “Chewie, you get that compressor fixed?!” 

I didn’t bother trying to disagree, I knew Poe wouldn’t hear it. He wanted to fight together, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t warm my heart knowing he’d be there with me, wherever this led us. And Maker knew I needed some comfort at the moment. If only I could keep the guilt at bay.

While Finn tried to negotiate with Rose, I went off in search of Leia to tell her our plans. As I had already known, she didn’t try to stop us. 

We spent the rest of the evening preparing to leave, but Rose declined and said she needed to stay to help do research and develop battle plans. 

I hardly slept, and I was wide awake well before anyone stirred on the base.

I decided to run the training course once more before we left, to burn some of the anxiety creeping into my veins. Leaving Ajan Kloss had the distinct possibility of an encounter with Ren in the flesh. It felt like a rock in my stomach. 

I’d worked up a decent sweat, and was about to head in for a shower when it happened. 

Another vision.

The room was definitely the medical bay in the Ajan Kloss base. 

There was Poe. 

He looked haggard; eyes bloodshot and the scruffy, unkempt beginnings of a beard. He was handed a baby, serenely sleeping. 

There was a body in the background. Poe was standing beside it, but I couldn't make out who it was at first. 

Poe sobbed, clutching the babe to his chest. 

Then, I could see the woman laying on a stark white bed. Gradually, the image focused. The sheet across her was blood stained over her abdomen. 

Her skin was gray, lips turning blue.

She was dead. 

She was me. 

As the shock registered in my brain, the vision shifted entirely. 

 A boy, not much younger than me, with wild raven locks past his ears and bright hazel eyes. 

He was in a nicer room than I was accustomed to- clean, cream colored walls with a large window and a bed covered in a hunter green bed set. I could make out some of the personal effects littering the desk and shelves around him- holo images, model starfighters, trophies, plaques. 

Suddenly he spoke, drawing my attention back to him. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, his tall frame craned, staring down at his trembling hands. 

“Something is awakening in my mind and I’m afraid. I can’t control it.” I saw no one around him, was he talking to himself?

Another shift happened, but this one was less jarring. 

It was obviously the same boy, but he was slightly older. Maybe older than I was now. 

He was tearful, talking to an aged Poe. Poe’s hair was littered with grey, his salt and pepper beard was much more pronounced, but neatly groomed. 

His whiskey eyes were concerned, framed by deepened crow’s feet, but his face was calm- he was not surprised. 

“Something’s happening to me. I keep seeing strange things, strange people, and I don’t know what it means.” The boy lamented to him, distraught.

The third shift made me feel a bit queasy, my head beginning to throb. 

This time it was the boy again, but in battle gear, standing beside a similarly dressed Poe. I could see smoke billowing ahead of them, heard the boom of cannon fire from an active space battle above. Their expressions were fierce and courageous. 

The boy pulled a hilt from his waist, and activated a green lightsaber. He and Poe shared a look. 

Poe nodded, the boy stormed off the platform toward me. In his hazel eyes, I saw a fire that I recognized all too quickly. The way he stalked into battle... 

My lips parted in surprise, but the scene faded away.

Things started to blur and become too fuzzy to distinguish, I wondered what all of this was and when it was going to end. 

It felt like my head might split in two, the pain becoming so sharp and acute down the middle of my skull. 

But then, like a Force connection with Ren, all went silent and the boy was standing there in front of me in the field. 

His face contorted in confusion, and then eased with… recognition? 

“I know you.” He says in wonder. 

His mouth opens again to speak, but the connection drops suddenly when I feel a weight on my shoulder pulling me back into reality.

“Rey? What is it?” Poe’s hand is on my shoulder, his voice near my ear behind me. 

I was unable to speak right away, a hot tear escaping and gliding down my cheek. An inescapable realization had just crashed down upon me and I had no time to process it. I’d just seen my own death, and my son. 

The one I would die and leave behind with a grieving Poe. 

But that wasn’t the part that shook me to the core. No, what shook me was the unavoidable conclusion of the boy’s height, jawline, and tousled hair. 

Ren was the father. 

A shaky breath escaped me as I tried to regain my composure and choke out, “Nothing.” Swiping the traitorous tear from my cheek quickly, trying to avoid Poe’s gaze. 

“Well, we’re ready. We should get going.” He replied evenly, he didn’t appear to notice my upset. 

Good. 

I turned and followed him quietly, lost in thought. Trying to make sense of it all. 

If I did die, where was Ren? Why didn’t he take the boy? A slurry of hurt and confusion churned through me at the thought he’d reject or abandon our child. 

But deep down, I knew there was no way that could be true. Ren must’ve perished too. Or Poe hid him from Ren. How else would he react if he knew?

However, there was one deep seated truth that ran right to my core, and there was no doubt or question of. 

If I remained with the Resistance, that was my future. Poe’s too. I’d leave him behind, leave him broken, helpless to stop it. 

My heart felt incredibly heavy. I didn’t know what to do with that knowledge. Constantly grieving was a seemingly life long thing for Poe. Pain was ingrained into him, as much a part of his life as piloting. 

I’d seen the shame and self-loathing in him for the people who had died under his command, or on missions with him. He confided it in me after Crait, his eyes adrift with loss and looking for hope again. 

How could I do that to him?

As I boarded the Falcon, my mission was clear. But my future was murkier than ever.

—----------------------------

When we landed on Pasaana, we were a bit uneasy about a seeming celebration we’d dropped ourselves into. Of course, C3PO was happy to fill in the blanks, much to our chagrin. 

We’d stumbled into the Aki Aki Festival of the Ancestors, which only occurred once every 42 years. I sighed, but accepted that it would at least provide cover from inevitable First Order patrols. 

What I knew is that Luke followed Ochi of Bestoon here, who had one of only two Sith wayfinders in existence. According to his journal, Ochi’s abandoned ship was still here in the desert. 

It was a dead end. But it was worth a fresh set of eyes, and surely someone here knew where it was. 

As we worked through the crowds, a young girl graced me with a colorful, handmade necklace. 

At first I was flattered, but I felt unsteady on my feet when C3PO explained it was a fertility necklace. Poe dared a quick glance at me, but his eyes were gone just as suddenly as they met mine. 

Music, chanting, and dancing surrounded us, the natives dressed elaborately in colorful garbs. 

Everyone split up to question locals for clues, and much to my dread, a connection sprung to life only moments after I broke away. 

I felt the familiar tug, and his anger. 

The sky darkened, the festival melted away. As if I were standing in the middle of an endless desert in the dead of night. My heart raced with anxiety. 

This had never happened before, and I didn’t have good memories of the desert at night. 

I felt him approaching. 

“Palpatine wants you dead.” He said in a monotone.

“Serving another master?” I asked without looking at him. 

I wasn’t sure why I felt disappointed by that idea. 

“No, I have other plans.” 

That damned mask again. I could tell from the synthetic voice. 

This time I was disappointed, but because he had returned to hiding himself. I turned and surveyed the thing. It was different, patched together with bright red lines spidering everywhere. 

He continued, “I offered you my hand. You wanted to take it.” His tone was even, matter of fact. 

I didn’t bother denying what we both knew was true. 

“Why didn’t you?” He asked, his voice just barely quieter, the difference in tone hard to distinguish with the mask. 

“You could’ve killed me, why didn’t you?” I countered, trying to divert the topic elsewhere. 

Somewhere I was comfortable being angry and cruel. 

“You can’t hide, Rey. Not from me.” The way he said my name gave me gooseflesh. 

I felt like squirming under his gaze, but I wouldn’t let it show. I needed to stall and try to figure out how to close this encounter before he found a clue to my location. I couldn’t jeopardize my friends’ safety. 

“I see through the cracks in your mask. You're haunted. You can't stop seeing what you did to your father.” I retorted, trying stubbornly to push away the feelings churning in my gut at the sight of him. 

Who was I really trying to distract? Him, or myself?

Tossing the vivid image of Han’s death out into the connection, knowing he’d see it. Trying to make him angry. Hurt him. Keep him from getting close again. 

He visibly flinched. But he didn’t let it slide. 

An unbidden image returned, of a dead Luke gray and old.

“Do you still see his face in your dreams? Such pain in you. Such anger. I don't wanna have to kill you. I'm going to find you and I'm going to turn you to the Dark Side. When I offer you my hand again... you'll take it.” The thrill of pleasure that shot down my spine at the sultry tone he managed even through his mask was beyond unexpected. 

I stood there shocked, my mouth hanging open dumbly for a moment as my body rebelled against me again. 

Just long enough for him to shoot out a hand and yank the necklace from my neck. 

Then, he was gone.

The festival roared to life around me, everything bathed in light again. 

When good sense finally crashed into me, I bolted for the recently dispersed group, gathering them as I urged them to run for the edge of the festival. 

“We have to go back to the Falcon . Now.” No sooner had I said, than the sound of the TIEs descending into the atmosphere reached us. 

“Run!” I shouted, and everyone made for some nearby sand speeders, that Poe readily hot wired. Finn shot me a questioning look, but I just shrugged and commandeered one for myself.

We took off into the uninhabited desert, stormtroopers hot on our tail. A tough fight, and harrowing escape ensued. 

Unfortunately, in the process of wiping out the troopers, our speeders were destroyed, launching us into the sand just short of Ochi’s ship ahead on a ledge. 

Among the grunts and groans, we started to realize more than just pain. Poe exclaimed, alarmed as the sand dragged us all down slowly. We landed in a sinking field! 

My mind rushed, frantically trying to find something to grab onto, but there was nothing. Poor BB-8 was getting sucked down even faster, and I tried to pull at him and free him in a futile endeavor. 

“Rey! I never told you-” Finn started, but was sucked under completely before he could finish. 

I was the last to finally be dragged in.

Once the sands swallowed us completely, a hollow cavern waited below. I fell right into the waiting arms of Poe, who smiled at me warmly. 

I blushed furiously and squirmed to get down before anyone saw, but it didn’t escape Finn’s gaze, who gave us a critical look. 

We all dusted off and started evaluating our new surroundings. 

“I do not wanna know what made these tunnels.” Poe grumbled. 

C3PO, oblivious as ever, promptly replied, “Judging by the circumference of the tunnel walls, there are numerous-”

“I said I do not wanna know. Not .” Poe growled, enunciating clearly for the droid.

I lit my saber for light, and started walking, Finn at my side. 

“We should hurry and find a way out. Come on.” I called to the rest of the group behind us.

“So, what was it? What were you going to tell me?” I asked casually, looking down side tunnels as we passed. 

“When?” Finn responded, refusing to look at me and suddenly acting interested in looking around. 

I huffed, “When you were sinking into the sand, you said ‘I never told you’..." I looked at him pointedly. 

He acted skittish, replying, “I’ll tell you later.” 

Poe appeared very close behind us, I could almost feel his breath on my neck as he said, “You mean when Poe’s not here?”

“Yeah, mhmm.” Finn immediately responded sarcastically, a more guarded posture taking over. 

“We’re all gonna die in sand burrows and you’re keeping secrets?” Poe asked incredulously, giving Finn a dirty look, then proceeding down a larger tunnel to our left. 

I followed behind him, deciding to give up on the conversation. 

“I’ll tell you when you tell me what’s going on with you and Rey.” Finn wagged his eyebrows when I turned back to scowl at him, and Chewie roared in agreement. 

Poe and I stole a quick glance between us, both our faces burning red as we pressed on and deliberately ignored that statement. 

Finally, there was some wreckage ahead. 

We all rushed over and started picking through it, but C3PO was fascinated with something on the hood of the speeder, telling Poe it was an emblem of a Sith loyalist.

Poe’s gaze locked onto mine. Ochi. He never made it back to Exegol, that’s why his ship was left in the desert. He died down here. 

Then, we shared a look of dread. Whatever made these tunnels… it killed him. 

We were interrupted by Finn, who thrust a dagger into my hands, “Hey! Look at this!”

I gasped, being launched unwillingly into another vision. 

It was Dark Rey. 

Her yellow eyes gleamed, sitting atop a throne of jagged stones, strange runes engraved into it. A body was slumped on the ground in front of her. 

It almost looked like Ren, it was a large man to be sure. But, his features were sharper...more drawn and pale. 

When I could finally see his eyes...his beautiful honeyed brown pools were gone. They were clouded. He was dead, and tortured before from the looks of him. 

I shivered involuntarily. Lightning screamed across the sky behind her and blinded me.

I was back. 

Unfortunately, I knew what it meant. No matter what I chose, people would suffer.

Poe tilted the dagger in my grasp, “Look, there’s writing on it.” 

It seemed nobody noticed my vision except me, and his voice brought me back to the situation at hand. 

C3PO immediately volunteered, “Perhaps I can translate. Oh! The location of the wayfinder has been inscribed upon this dagger. It's the clue that Master Luke was looking for.”

“And?” Poe prodded excitedly.

“Where's the wayfinder?” I pressed, impatient.

C3PO looked disappointed somehow. “I am afraid I cannot tell you.”

“20.3 fazillion languages and you can't read that?” Poe groaned in frustration. 

“Oh, I have read it, sir. I know exactly where the wayfinder is. Unfortunately, it is written in the runic language of the Sith.” C3PO replied, his matter of fact tone being very irritating in the current circumstances.

“So what?” I demanded. 

“My programming forbids me from translating it.” He replied simply.

“So you're telling us the one time we need you to talk, you can't?” Poe was fuming already. 

C3PO didn’t appear to notice. 

“Irony, sir. I am mechanically incapable of speaking translations from Sith. I believe the rule was passed by the Senate of the Old Republic…”He continued to prattle on, but nobody was listening. 

“Hey! I see light this way!” Finn shouted, apparently he’d gone on ahead while we were quarreling with the droid. 

We rushed after him, and sure enough, it was an exit. We all shared a collective sigh of relief and emerged into the sun once again. 

“There! Ochi’s ship! Let’s go.” Poe shouted, pointing to the ledge not much further off. 

Fortunately, only a short detour. We headed to the ship, but as we boarded, I felt him. 

Ren. He was coming for me. 

Chapter Text

Pasaana

A strange disaster of a feeling coiled in my belly, somewhere between thrill and terror. The Force rippled around me with odd impulses.

“We got to keep moving. Find someone who can translate that dagger. Like a helpful droid.” Poe sneered, but C3PO didn’t notice, blissfully unbothered. 

Then, Poe noticed the TIE Whisper approaching rapidly, “What the?” 

With my face drawn I moved to the ramp, “I'll be right behind you. It's okay.” 

I descended the ledge quickly, forming up in my mind how I would challenge him. I had to push him off enough for us to have any chance of escaping. 

I thought he might land, taunt me as usual. But instead, his ship hovered just over the ground, and sped straight at me.

I braced myself, feeling his anger, determination, and murderous intent. 

He truly wanted to kill me. 

Shock registered somewhere, but a defiant part of me just found him petulant. He was furious with me, and wanted to punish me. 

His rage told him it would be quelled if he ran me down, but it wouldn’t. He was so ridiculous at times. 

I’d put him in his place. 

I ran with all my muscles could offer, barely feeling the ghost of his surprise as I leapt. Flipping through the air and igniting my blade, removing a wing of his fighter.

I watched his ship tumble and burst into flame for only a second before I heard Finn’s urgent shouting behind me, I turned to look. 

“Rey! Rey!! They got Chewie! They got him!!” He thrust a finger up toward the sky, and I saw the First Order transport rising as it headed off the planet. 

Without thought, I reached out with everything I could muster and pulled. 

I had to save him. 

It slowly swayed and started to come toward me. 

I smiled and sighed to myself in relief, I could do it. 

But then, it lurched away from me. 

Almost as if…

That fucking bastard. I knew the crash hadn’t killed him, but the audacity .  

His face was calm and neutral, his mask dangling from one hand. With the other he was trying to pull the transport from my grip! 

No. No. He would not take Chewie from me. 

I tried to draw deeper and deeper from myself, but there just wasn’t enough. My frustration mounted, I strained to keep the transport from moving toward Ren, but I couldn’t draw it away from him either. 

Why did he have to be so awful? Why? Why ?! Why ?!  

White hot anger flashed through me, my fear, confusion, and desperation boiling in my stomach. It was so potent, I didn’t have time to think, time to stop myself.

It happened again.

Lightning streaked across the space between my fingertips and the transport. It exploded, erupting into a ball of fire and shrapnel before raining down into the sand below. 

“NO! CHEWIE!” The strangled scream ripped out of my chest.

I was struck bone still, paralyzed. My eyes clouded with tears as I looked down at my hand in disbelief.

“Look at yourself. You wanted to prove to my mother that you were a Jedi, but you've proven something else. You can't go back to her now, like I can't.” Ren’s face looked as though he was in awe, yet his voice almost sounded remorseful. 

As if he wished he could go back to her. It felt distant, yet true.

A frantic yell from Poe breached the temporary silence in the canyon, “Rey! We gotta go! They’re coming!” 

Poe was on the ledge by Ochi’s ship, pointing off into the horizon where several TIEs had appeared, heading our way. I gave Ren one more withering look, then ran to my friends. 

He didn’t give chase, and didn’t try to stop me. 

Poe took off as soon as I bungled inside, crumbling on top of a crate as I tried to process what had just happened. What I had just done. 

I killed Chewie.

Finn approached me immediately, sitting next to me quietly. 

“I lost control.” I whispered weakly. 

“It wasn’t your fault.” He replied determinedly. 

“It was.” I countered firmly. 

“No, it was Ren. He made you do it.” Finn insisted. 

“Chewie’s gone. That power came from me. Finn, there are things you don’t know.” I told him, tearfully. 

“Then tell me.” He encouraged, laying a hand over mine and squeezing. I hesitated, unsure what to say. 

“I, uh, had a vision. Of the Sith throne. And who was on it.” I croaked out around the tears. 

“Ren?” Finn asked, so earnestly innocent. 

I looked at him sadly, and his face fell. 

“No… it was me.” I said quiet, my voice nearly a mere gasp.

Finn stood and walked to the cockpit, trying to convince Poe to head back to base. 

“We don’t have time to go back. We are not giving up. If we do that, Chewie died for nothing.” Poe insisted, resolute. 

“Poe, Chewie had the dagger!” Finn whined, hoping Poe would see reason. 

“Well, then we’ll have to find another way.” Poe stubbornly dug his heels in. 

“Well, there isn’t. That was the only cue, and it’s gone!” Finn growled in frustration. 

“So true. The inscription lives only in my memory now.” C3PO said wistfully. 

“Wait a minute, what?” Poe responded, turning to look at C3PO. 

“Why, yes, Master Poe. But the translation from a forbidden language cannot be retrieved. Short of a complete redacted memory bypass, that is. However, it’s a terribly dangerous and sinful act… performed on unwitting droids by dregs and criminals.” C3PO replied thoughtfully. 

“Let’s do that.” Finn turned to Poe with renewed enthusiasm. 

Poe returned it, “I know a black market droidsmith.” 

C3PO balked, “Black market droidsmith??” 

Poe’s expression became more unsure, “But, he’s on Kijimi.” He muttered. 

“What’s wrong with Kijimi?” Finn asked, innocent as ever. 

“I had a little bad luck on Kijimi... But we can’t let this mission fail, we gotta go.” Poe resolved and turned back in his seat to focus on piloting again. 

“We’re all in this, until the end.” I felt Finn’s eyes on me as he spoke, but I didn’t look. 

A deep dread and weariness seated in my gut.

Sadness, fear, anger, desperation. It hadn’t abated. 

My stomach felt unsettled, like I might be sick at any moment. 

I killed Chewie. 

Just like Luke. 

I hadn’t meant to. I didn’t want either of them to die. I was losing control. Luke was just the beginning, and I had an awful feeling it was only going to get worse. 

That vision, that sinister version of me. It terrified me. I could not let that happen. 

But the only person who could help me… if I turned to him, was I risking becoming her? 

Palpatine. He started this mad chase, fear of what he’d do, what he’d destroy, spurred me here. He was the reason I had even been put in this situation. He deserved to die. If this power brought death… I’d at least put it to good use.

I vaguely noticed Finn standing near me, leaning against the wall. 

“I’m going to find Palpatine. I’m going to kill him.” I forced in a hushed voice, through clenched teeth. 

“Rey… that doesn’t sound like you.” Finn replied with notable trepidation in his voice. 

Everyone liked to tell me about my destiny and who I was and who I would be. I was sick of that too. 

“People keep telling me they know me, but I’m afraid no one does.” I replied, my voice sounding hollow and bitter even to me.

“But I do.” Ren’s velvet baritone creeped along my mind, sending a violent shiver down my spine and my heart racing. 

The ship lurched, going into hyperspace. Finn had no response, retreating to the cockpit. 

Poe replaced him beside me, sitting on the crate with his thigh against mine. He pivoted his body to face me, his hand gently fell on top of my own. 

“Hey there. You look… far away. Can I help?” His other hand softly brushed away stray hair at my temple. 

I wanted to lean in, to accept his comfort. But something in me couldn’t. Wouldn’t. 

I had already betrayed him, and as much as I told myself I could accept denying my desires, the reality wasn’t so simple.

I already knew I had to leave the Resistance. I was delaying the inevitable. I didn’t want to hurt Poe, but I knew I had to. 

And I was so angry about it. 

My face crumpled, with tears and fury. None of this was fair. I’d been dragged out of a desert planet in the far reaches of nowhere, for this? 

More misery? More pain? Why? Why?  

There was never an answer. No answer to any of this. And it was so unfair.  

Something caught my eye. The glint of the silver chain around Poe’s neck. 

Then, the longer I looked, I realized his chest was heaving, a strange expression on his face.

“So, you’re seriously not going to tell me what’s going on between you two?” Finn whined, a hint of mischief in his tone. 

When had he approached? Why had I missed that? 

But suddenly, Poe was on his feet, closing the distance between himself and his best friend with a menacing posture. Finn’s face marred in confusion, but he was too slow. 

Poe snatched him up by the collar, and aggressively slammed Finn’s back into the wall. 

“Fucking. Drop. It.” Poe seethed, jaw and shoulders wound tight.

What the hell? As the shock of his actions rolled over me, my anger faded into the background, and Poe shook his head, looking at Finn as though in a daze.

“I… I’m sorry… I don’t know why I did that…” Poe trailed off, releasing Finn to slump against the wall as he staggered backwards. 

No. No... I didn’t do that, Poe just lost his temper. 

‘Yes, you did.’ Dark Rey appeared beside me. 

I refused to look at her or acknowledge her, panic building in my belly at the implications of this exchange. 

‘The shadow in you has grown so strong, it bleeds off of you. You projected your anger onto him. You can do it to others too. Those in tune with the Force. Encourage them to act on feelings, corrupting them too in the process.’ She explained, as though it were some casual biology lesson. 

I was going to vomit. I was definitely going to vomit. 

I grabbed the nearest empty canister and emptied what little was in my stomach. 

Poe was at my side in an instant, “Rey! Are you alright?” He rubbed my back trying to soothe me as the tears fell. 

I shook my head numbly, I couldn’t speak. 

-------------------------

Kijimi was a wild ride. 

I still hadn’t made a decision, so I still hadn’t taken action. I guess that was a pattern of mine. 

So I followed the boys through Kijimi, nearly assaulted by Poe’s former spice running gang, but with some smooth talking from Poe and vague physical comeuppance from me, we ended up in Babu Frik’s workshop. 

Finn couldn’t seem to get over Poe’s past profession, and I wondered ruefully how he’d feel about knowing a Sith doppelganger tormented me nearly every day. Which would he find more scandalous? Probably the latter.

Babu had removed the exterior panel of C3PO’s head, and he was ready to begin the override. C3PO seemed a bit melancholy, I wondered after so many years if the droid really did have some semblance of feelings. 

“Just taking one last look...at my friends.” The droid said somberly. 

Then Babu dove into the droid’s head, sparking and crackling ensued. Suddenly, C3PO sat upright, his eyes tinted red. A loud whirring began, followed by a mechanical grinding, then the droid’s head unit began to twitch. 

Then, it powered down abruptly. Babu groaned and whined, trying to get C3PO to turn back on.

 Nothing.

—-------------------------

Kylo’s POV

Steadfast/Kijimi

When I returned to the Steadfast , I felt a bit numb. Not about the truth of Rey, but the impulsive darkness in me. 

I pushed the thoughts aside while I was in the desert, in her presence. But now, I was frustrated with myself for being overcome with the fury and temptation to run her down. 

I was undeniably angry with her, but killing her was the exact opposite of what I wanted. 

What I needed was to meditate and recenter myself, but there was no time for that. My knights were in pursuit, and soon I’d be chasing after her again. 

I was confused that she still turned away from me after her display in the desert. She was horrified, but she didn’t seem… surprised.

My favorite fighter was destroyed, but the price was worth the reward. To encounter Rey again, to provoke her into a rage. 

I was awed by her beauty and her power. It was more than I’d hoped, and way more than she realized. 

Tit for tat- I’d gotten my vengeance in the end. I’d hurt her. And by her own hand, no less. In that way, I was satisfied. 

My anger at her cooled. 

There was so much more shadow, so much more conflict in her now. I just had to be persistent. 

The possessive beast in me was still scorned however… he would be much more exacting. 

A bitter fear still gnarled it’s way in. That even if she turned, she wouldn’t want me. But I shoved it away.

My thoughts were interrupted by an incoming transmission from the Night Buzzard .

Kijimi. What the hell would she be there for? 

It didn’t matter. I ordered the jump.

Night raids were already in progress by the time my boots hit the ground, but the settlement seemed to erupt into further panic at the sight of the Steadfast . 

It was snowy and frigid, an unpleasant place. I could feel her, she was there. But where?

I’d already stormed several buildings when finally I felt that tether between us and I pulled. The connection opened, mercifully. I couldn’t see her surroundings, but she appeared in front of me facing away from me. 

“I pushed you in the desert because I needed to see it. I needed you to see it. Who you are. I know the rest of your story. Rey.” 

She spun around to face me in surprise, her guard up immediately. 

“You're lying.” She replied firmly. 

Frustrating girl. Why wouldn’t she see reason when I presented it to her repeatedly? 

“I never lied to you. Your parents were no one. They chose to be. To keep you safe. It’s there in your memories.” I kept my cool.

She decided she wasn’t interested in my conversation, lighting her saber and swinging it downward wildly as she yelled, “No!” 

I pared easily, and while her defense was down, surged into her mind to find a memory I knew would be locked away there somewhere. 

“Remember them. See them.” I said calmly, immersing us into the newly surfaced memory. 

A woman in her twenties with light brown hair and a blue cloak, beautiful despite her dirt and tear stained cheeks, knelt in front of a small, female child with brown hair in triple buns. 

She spoke, “My love. Rey, be brave.” 

She wiped away the child’s tears with her thumbs. A man also in his twenties stood beside the woman. He had brown hair as well, and looked unshaven, tired. 

His hazel eyes were glassy as he croaked, “ You'll be safer here. I promise.” 

They both clutched the child in a hug.

The scene shifts, now a male Crolute clutches the child’s arm tightly as she struggles against him and the desert sand. She cries and reaches for the sky- after a ship entering the atmosphere. 

“Come back! No!” The little girl sobs.

Rey stood unnaturally still, as though in shock. 

“They sold you to protect you.” I told her.

I felt some sort of fondness, affection maybe? And appreciation. I softened, wondering if this was to be the moment. Had I broken through? 

Then it turned sharply into anger, hurt, distrust. 

She swung again ferociously, I blocked. 

Over the hissing of the blades, I said, “Tell me where you are. You don't know the whole story. It was Palpatine who had your parents taken. He was looking for you. But they wouldn't say where you were. So he gave the order.” 

It’s the woman again, Rey’s mother. She and the father were inside of a ship with an orange skinned humanoid male with strange slits for eyes. 

“She's not on Jakku. She's gone.” She insisted, her voice trembling. 

The alien was displeased, he stabbed the father in response. The father crumbled to the ground clutching his wound, the woman rushed to catch him. 

“No!” She cried. 

She turned to look at the alien again as he approached, stabbing her as well. She grunted in pain and slumped over the father.

Rey yanked her blade free, drawing it in a long stroke past our bodies. It collided with something solid. I heard the muted thud in the snow, and turned to look. 

My grandfather’s helmet. 

She was in my quarters? How? Hmm. That would do fine, expedient really. 

“So that's where you are... You know why the Emperor’s always wanted you dead.” 

Tears leaked from her eyes as she still stubbornly refused to acknowledge reality, “No.” 

I had seen the recognition in her eyes, she knew who the alien was and the ship they were on. It was the ship she sought in the Pasaana desert.

“I’ll come tell you.” I replied calmly, cutting the connection. 

I turned and stalked away, finding the nearest stormtrooper. 

“She was in my quarters, lock down the ship.” I ordered. 

He stuttered out an affirmation and scurried away.

By the time I got into the hangar, I could see her cornered, in the midst of what looked like an escape attempt. What had she come here for? 

She reminded me of a frightened animal, like prey caught in a trap. 

Fear simmered in the air, she knew she had nowhere to go. Yet, part of her remained defiant, and a smaller part, curious. She wanted to know what I knew. Her resolve firmed. 

“Why did the Emperor come for me? Why did he want to kill a child? Tell me.” She demanded more than asked. 

“Because he saw what you would become. You don't just have power. You have his power. You're his granddaughter. You are a Palpatine.” I replied coolly.

I watched the shock ripple across her features for just a second before continuing, “My mother was the daughter of Vader. Your father was the son of the Emperor. What Palpatine doesn't know is we're a dyad in the Force, Rey. Two that are one.” 

Her lovely face softened with acceptance. There was no denying it, she knew deep down it was true. Her shock ebbed only slightly, mixing with confusion as she processed what she’d just learned. 

“We'll kill him together and take the throne.” I told her boldly. 

This was it, I could feel it in my bones. The final appeal, I just had to figure out the right words. 

“I let my mother, the Resistance, live for your sake. So you could see for yourself that you didn’t belong there. But it all must be dismantled, destroyed. In order to fix this galaxy.” The pitch of my voice rising with passion, more assured than ever that her darkness would beckon her to my cause. 

Rey shook her head in denial of my words, “It needs liberation, not destruction.” She countered. 

“We’ll destroy the systems of oppression, restore order, and finally attain true peace.” I argued. 

Together, no one could oppose us. We could save the hapless, selfish inhabitants of the galaxy from themselves.

I finally removed my helmet, a gesture of trust. I wanted her to see my face, to know I was earnest. 

“You know what you need to do. You know.” I breathed, I could feel it trickling through the bond. 

That she agreed with me, she understood what I intended for my rule. Our rule. Yet, I felt dread and defiance bleeding through. 

Frustrated, I closed the distance between us, looking down at her as her mouth started to open, but I spoke first.

“They don’t see the darkness in you, they’d reject you. They have to. There’s no room for darkness with them. I accept you, all of you. I can show you the way. I would listen to you. Give you a voice louder than they could ever offer you. I’ll be what you need Rey, just let me.” I pleaded, and I was not a man who pleaded for anyone. 

My mind harkened back to the throne room incident. Her conflict, and ultimately, her rejection of my offer. 

What did she want? What else could I possibly offer to her? How could I convince her? 

She scoffed at me. “The great Supreme Leader begging after a nobody.” 

She averted her eyes, refusing to look at me. Disgust, hurt, distrust, fear, rejection, sadness. The emotions were fast and hard, shifting and melding. They were hers. 

Then, it dawned on me. Hit me like a freighter crashing into the sea full speed. 

She was an emotional creature. Power wasn’t her drive. My mind sped back to our heated little tryst. Lust. Possession. 

Ahch-To. The stolen touches, gestures. Affection. Companionship.

I hadn’t offered her what she really wanted in the throne room. 

After all that had transpired… could she still want me? If I offered myself, my heart, would she take it? But really… Was there anything left to lose? 

My stomach clenched in anxiety, outright fear. The beast screamed against it, she’d already betrayed my heart. She turned to someone else. She would reject me, and devastate me again. It didn’t matter what I offered. 

But for once, I let my brain override my fears and hesitation. This was all that was left to give, it made sense. I had to try it, lest I always look back in regret. 

“No, just a man pining after the one he loves. His everything.” I spoke directly into her mind.

Chapter Text

Kijimi/Steadfast

With C3PO gone, the group despaired. Only amplified when the Steadfast suddenly showed up over the settlement. 

We tore back and forth on what to do, but something inside told me I had to go to Ren. To do what, I wasn’t sure. 

The conflict within me still raged, I needed help and I knew that. But would it mean betraying everything I’d fought for? Everything I once thought made me who I am? Who was I anymore anyway? 

But with the dagger destroyed along with Chewie, there was only one option left I could think of. I was sure Ren would have a wayfinder, or know where to find one. At minimum, I could extract that. 

I just needed to get on board. 

Zorii was surprisingly helpful, and ended up offering me a captain’s medallion on the condition I find a way to make the Steadfast leave. 

I agreed. 

The boys insisted on coming with me, but I refused. While I was certain I could escape with my life, I couldn’t promise theirs and I wouldn’t risk it. I told them to go back to base, and wait for me there. 

Poe was especially reluctant, almost as though he sensed my dread. 

Truthfully, whether I joined Ren or not, I didn’t intend to return to the Resistance. 

I knew how that would end. It might hurt Poe a little now, and my friends might be saddened for a while. But in the long run, I’d save them from much more pain and suffering. 

They were tough and persistent. They’d find a way without me. 

I gave each of the boys a kiss on the cheek, and one last long hug. I would miss them. But I gathered my strength and parted from them.

Getting on board with the medallion was efficient, mind tricking troopers along the way wasn’t a challenge either. 

I followed the draw of the shadow once on board. There were objects there steeped in Sith magics, I could sense them. 

Surely, one would probably be a wayfinder. 

I arrived outside a locked door, but hacked the terminal easily and slinked inside. 

It was an antechamber of some sort, mostly white durasteel with a small viewport on the far side. There were raised columns and tables scattered around. The ruined mask of Darth Vader on a pedestal held my gaze for a long moment. 

But I finally set to work looking for something like the drawing of a wayfinder in Luke’s journal.

Suddenly, I heard the synthesized voice of Ren behind me. I startled, spinning around. 

I’d been caught. 

It took me a few seconds to realize he wasn’t really there. It was another Force connection. 

I didn’t want to hear his words, and I rejected the possibility of their truth. 

I activated my lightsaber and struck out. It only seemed to egg Ren on further, to the point he forced up a memory from the deep recesses of my mind. 

A memory I had no knowledge of, I had never seen before, but knew was mine. 

I went rigid as my mind struggled to cope with what I’d been shown. 

Somehow, I was moved that Ren had discovered this information, and wanted to give it to me as some kind of offering. 

He could be such a sweet, brooding simpleton. 

But he was only a fool about women. Nothing was ever freely given when it came to that man. He would want something in return. To manipulate me somehow. 

Damn him. 

I swung my blade again, he blocked.

He demanded my location, insisting he had more information. 

Palpatine was behind my parents’ death? The reason they never returned for me? My blood boiled. 

I already hated that foul creature for setting me on this wild goose chase, now I had more reason than ever. Why was he looking for me? 

Ren showed me a vision of their death from his memory. 

Why did Palpatine have my parents killed for defying him? I was unbearably sad, confused, and so, so angry. 

I jerked my blade free from Ren’s, but overexerted. My saber crashed through a pedestal behind me, Darth Vader’s mask fell. 

Ren watched it fall to the ground with interest. 

He hadn’t been able to see my surroundings, nor I his. But now he knew exactly where I was. 

There was something he expected me to realize from the vision and what he’d told me. 

Was he thinking I’d guess why some long thought dead emperor wanted me dead? 

But I dreaded the implication I was involved. Surely some worse information was at the threshold. I deeply wanted to know, but I also didn’t. 

Tears of frustration and loss escaped me, burning my cheeks. 

I knew Ochi was a Sith assassin, and now knew he killed my parents. But why me? What was my role in all this?

“I’ll come tell you.” Ren said, sounding more like a threat than a promise.

The connection slammed shut, and a surge of fear rushed through me. 

My panicked brain started screaming, ‘You don’t want to know, just get out of here! Danger Danger!’   

My body complied, my feet thrusting me toward the hangar with renewed vigor. I avoided hallways sure to be full of troopers, I had no time for that, electing to take a shortcut and scale down a wall the final stint into the hangar. 

The adrenaline was thrumming in my veins, my fear started to ebb as I sprinted toward the nearest craft. I might slip away before he could catch me. 

Wrong. 

Waves of troopers flooded into the hangar from all directions, even down the gangplank of the ship I intended to commandeer just seconds ago. I was surrounded on all sides, there were too many to trick.

Only a second later, he arrived. 

Dammit all. 

My fear was back in full force. I needed help with my darkness, but my instincts screamed against this place. I couldn’t just surrender. Or should I?

My mind listed back and forth- ‘Join him’, ‘Run!’, ‘Join him’, ‘Run!’  

Why couldn’t I be more decisive? They were both impossible choices, maybe that was the true dilemma. 

I wasn’t going to let him see my weakness though. And he’d said he’d tell me. So I intended to find out why Palpatine wanted me dead.

I don’t know what I had expected, but for him to say he was my grandfather was not it. I stared at him dumbly. 

But he wasn’t done. He had an answer for the connection between us too.

A dyad. Two beings that shared one soul. 

Some intangible part of me recognized his words as the truth, somewhere deep inside me. They shattered me, emptied me of everything I thought I knew. 

Some of the anger and outrage diffused from my body. Like air from a balloon. 

Fighting Ren truly was futile all along. That was the tether between us, constantly drawing us back to each other. 

But what was I supposed to do with that knowledge? What did it mean for my future? He wanted power, to usurp the phantom Emperor. He deeply wanted to rule. 

He again insisted I didn’t belong with the Resistance and that all had to be destroyed. 

And I rejected that firmly. 

But he didn’t relent, instead explaining exactly what he intended to do. 

He removed his helmet finally. I hated that stupid thing. 

He looked more vulnerable, more uncertain. 

“You know what you need to do. You know.” He said in a low voice. 

He was right, it was what was needed. I knew. But what part did he intend for me to play? I wouldn’t be his ‘apprentice’ and beholden to his whims. I would not be used. I was not a weapon or a plaything. 

I started to tell him off, but then he was suddenly in my space, looming over me. 

“They don’t see the darkness in you, they’d reject you. They have to. There’s no room for darkness with them. I accept you, all of you. I can show you the way. I would listen to you. Give you a voice louder than they could ever offer you. I’ll be what you need Rey, just let me.” 

Was he...begging? 

I scoffed. I already knew I couldn’t stay with the Resistance, but his desperation for my power turned my stomach. 

“The great Supreme Leader begging after a nobody.” I muttered, turning my gaze away to stare at the durasteel floor bitterly. 

Be what I needed? My mind conjured up his wild face when he’d said, “You need a teacher!” 

What the hell did he know about what I needed ? 

This man, who’d proclaimed I was a nobody with no place in the story of this galaxy. Who spurned me on more than one occasion. 

No, I didn’t want to rule beside the likes of him. He didn’t understand anything. 

It was never about power. I never wanted to rule anything. 

“No, just a man pining after the one he loves. His everything.” He spoke into my mind, his voice so heavy with emotion. 

My jaw dropped. 

My skin broke out into gooseflesh, and I stared at the hand he extended for me between us. I knew I was trembling, but reality felt far away for a moment. 

He loved me? My world’s axis tilted. There was no doubt that he meant it, I could feel it. 

My mind drifted, back to a question that brought me such stress. 

“I need someone to show me my place in all of this.”  

Where was my place? Where was I supposed to be? What was I really fighting against? 

“Your place is by my side, Rey.” His voice soothed, calm and comforting. 

I thought about my darkness, my bleeding powers. The chaos I was undoubtedly on the verge of causing. 

Love was all I had ever really wanted, but this power was thrust upon me. To fight it, to waste it, it seemed selfish of me. 

The reality of what Ren proposed was rational. 

I didn’t care about ruling, but if I was honest, I loved him too. That wild passion and ravenous intensity in him. The horrid, the wonderful. The duality of him. 

An unkind, ungentle part of me wanted to possess him, smother him, consume him. I could have him. 

And he’d take satisfaction in me ruling beside him. That would please him. To use our power together, to reform the galaxy. 

In a way people might not choose, might not want, but it was necessary. Even I could see that now. 

Luke was right to bow out and end the Jedi, the light versus dark was not only an inane and tired trope, but a futile one that would only perpetuate misery. Someone had to take the reins. 

The Republic had failed, the Empire had failed. The cycle just rinsed and repeated every so many decades.The only way to end the needless deaths, conflict, and destruction was through unequivocal power. 

We could do it. Together.

I took his hand.

Once I made the decision to say yes, once my hand touched his, it was as though a fog had been lifted. 

At that moment, I reached for the connection between us. He reached for it too. 

Something in me shifted. Clicked. As though the bond was truly and completely open, and it locked itself into place. 

It was right, it was whole, it was belonging, it was home. Everything changed, I could feel all of him. His energy didn’t just surround me anymore, it was in me too. 

I’d once called him selfish. That wasn’t true. I didn’t understand. 

He’d give it all to me. 

His undying love, loyalty, devotion. He saw me not only as a partner to rule with him, but as his other half- the one to complete him and make him whole. 

His pursuit of me was relentless, and though he fumbled throughout, it was with tremendous feeling on his part. 

A simpleton indeed. 

He appealed to me as he would another man. My own feelings and desires were unfathomable, because life had taught him love was never enough. That it couldn’t possibly be what I wanted. 

Feelings are selfish, you can’t lead with them, so don’t let them lead you. You should care about what’s best for the world. Don’t think so much about yourself. Think bigger.  

It was as though I saw a ghost of a younger Leia chastising a young Ben. I could feel her lingering presence inside him, those words etched somewhere deep. 

She had taught him this. To repress personal feelings and desires, they had to come second to the greater good. 

Be tempered, be cool, be detached, be brave, be strong. Lead by example. Passion is for one’s work, not public displays. Work comes first.

Echoes of a lonely childhood, of a mother too busy with a failing New Republic, rippled through me. 

Things I’d long wondered, things I’d long been confused by, I now knew. I now had the answers.

So many times he wanted to save me from hurt, rejection, disappointment. If I had understood at the time, would I have responded differently? 

He saw where people had failed him, he who was so much like me, and he had wanted to shield me from it. Circumvent the painful process.

Feelings of being surprised and overwhelmed percolated the air between us. All the confusion, pain, and wretchedness I had felt was washed away, replaced with powerful feelings resonating through my core. Purpose, drive, fervor. 

I felt a coolness in my blood, a knowing . 

My life before was over, I’d burnt it all down. I was a firestorm that had run wild, growing more and more out of control. A threat, even to myself. 

Now all that was left behind were ashes, for a new Rey to rise from. 

“Lady Rey of the New Order.” Ren’s voice supplied calmly in my mind, his lips pulling to form a small smile. 

This was how it should have been all along. A true dyad.

—----------------------------------------

Again we boarded a turbolift together. 

It was heartbreakingly familiar. The feeling heavy between us at the memory of the last time we were together in one. 

Suddenly the bond was flooded with such stifling loneliness, fear, sadness, and such want it tore the breath from my lungs. The bond had evolved such that now, our feelings were indiscernible, felt as one. 

I saw Kylo tremble, overcome by it as much as I. He mashed a button on the control panel, lurching the turbolift to an abrupt halt. 

Before my mind had time to register what he was doing, I was lifted and pressed roughly against the wall, his lips urgent and bruising on mine. 

Gods, the way he crowded into me, I was burning alive for him already. 

His roughness did nothing to deter me, I matched his intensity. 

I was not gentle as my fingers made purchase in his ebony locks, or when I bit at his lip when he shifted to draw much needed oxygen into his lungs. 

Neither of us regarded or acknowledged the taste of tears leaking into our frantic kisses. We desperately had to quell these feelings we’d harbored in our hearts, I felt that instinctually. 

“ Mine. ” His voice was broken, but left no room for argument. 

I had laid claim to him long ago, but never given him the same spoken claim I knew his heart ached so acutely for. 

“Yours.” I relinquished myself softly, in earnest for the first time. 

He paused to look into my eyes and see the truth of it, his eyes glassy and his lips quivering with emotion. 

Fire built up in those hazel orbs again, a flare of hurt and anger and possession whipping around us as his lips seared down my neck, hands tearing at my clothing. 

I couldn’t find it in me to care as he ripped it away, somehow I secretly wanted him to erase all evidence of my existence without him as he tore apart the seams with frightening ease. 

He wanted me to bare my heart, my soul, and my body. Then he wanted me to surrender them all to him. 

Something wild and unhinged he kept buried within him had emerged finally, and demanded submission to balm it’s wounds. 

“Don’t leave me.” His voice was strangled and angry at the column of my throat, hot tears dripping from his face and sliding over my collarbone before escaping down my bare chest. 

He bit into the soft flesh there between my neck and collar. I whimpered as my torn skin stung, but my fingers caressed his scalp, comforting him and encouraging him as he released the pain long strung between us. 

“I won’t.” I replied breathily, my voice hitching as his teeth sunk into the sensitive flesh of my breast.

A tear fell from his face again, gliding to the peak of my breast. He stared dazedly at the glistening bead hanging precariously from my nipple. 

“ Never .” He insisted, less a question and more a demand as this time. I yelped as my nipple bore his attack this time.

These acts were somehow deeply cathartic, but perhaps something only we could understand. 

It was the most unbearably intimate thing I’d ever experienced, to surrender my body to his needs in such a way. 

“Never.” I echoed, gently cradling his head to my breast as he soothed the pert teat with the flat of his tongue. 

He left one hand holding me up against the wall, the other working deftly at his trousers to free himself. 

I knew what we were building to, even without the bond. I could feel my own arousal nearly dripping from me in anticipation. 

A ritualistic urge he had to reclaim me in every way possible. 

“Only me.” He locked me under his consuming gaze, my insides clenched in desire at the molten look in his eyes. 

“Only you.” I echoed, intoxicated by the pervasive lust enveloping us. 

All else was drowned out, leaving nothing but unshakable need and unwavering possession so potent and heavy it threatened to ooze from the air. 

And then, as roughly and urgently as he’d been so far, he desecrated my cunt with reckless abandon. 

His fingers pressed hard into the back of my thighs, pushing them so high my knees nearly touched the wall so he could bury himself to the hilt inside me over and over. 

His grunts and groans were raw and guttural, keeping a punishing pace as I tried to weather his storm of violent passion. 

Coy little mewling and moaning was entirely forgotten, outright screams and cries burst from me at the onslaught of animalistic pleasure. 

The only thing louder was the creaking, snapping, and crackling of the walls and electrical components around us that I felt trembling at my back or intermittent bursts of light behind him, but paid no heed to. 

With one last slam of his hips into me, he cried out in completion as I felt his cock throb, filling me. 

After catching his breath, he quietly and gently lowered me to my feet again. I could feel his spend leaking down my nude thighs. 

All was calm, the beast was soothed. 

He silently manipulated the control panel back together with the Force, with the ease of a person who’d done such before, and pressed the button to resume the upward motion of the lift. He then fixed his trousers before turning to me. 

I was filled with contentment and adoration then, as his eyes, now soft, appraised me. 

He undid his cloak from his shoulders, wrapping it completely around my nude form and lifting me bridal style in his arms. I sighed and closed my eyes, laying trustingly against his chest. 

I felt the swell of emotion as the gesture, the tightening of his fingers, how he pulled me ever so slightly closer to him. His forehead came to rest gently against mine, and didn’t move until the lift stopped. 

When the lift opened, he didn’t even spare a glance to the shreds of my former clothing on the floor, striding purposefully out into the hall. 

Once inside his chambers, I looked around silently as he carried me through an antechamber. I had been there earlier. 

But then further in were things I hadn’t seen- a lounge, a closed door, then through an open archway, a large bedchamber. 

There he deposited me gently onto his bed, and very efficiently disrobed himself. I admired his body as he moved, watching his muscles tense and relax as he removed the tunic. 

When he shed his undershirt finally, my desire slowly woke again at the sight of him. I took a deep breath to steady myself as I drank in his visage. 

His broad chest and shoulders a massive expanse of corded muscle, and long, strong arms flexing and twitching as he worked at his pants. 

Where one could say he lacked in definition, he made up for in sheer size. The way his body could completely eclipse and envelope me, was almost indescribable. As if nothing in the world could reach me unless he willed it. 

I’d tried to smother it, tried to replace it even. But locking him out, blocking the connection, I had only created a dormant volcano. 

The moment I saw him again, it began to rumble and shake. His touch, an eruption. The force, the power, the heat of it, was completely undeniable. There was no repressing it. 

I felt no shame, because I did care for Poe. I didn’t regret anything. But I knew unshakably in my bones, this is where I was meant to be. By his side.

I wished it hadn’t taken so long to realize that was the truth.

It took him short moments, and he was back peeling the cloak from my body. I almost whined at the loss of warmth, but he lifted me again, holding my nude form snugly against him without barrier this time. 

With my face to his bare chest, I could hear the steady thumping of his heart against my ear. 

He carried me into an adjoining fresher, sitting me on the countertop, then turning on the shower. 

He returned to the vanity, opening a drawer and pulling out something neatly packaged. Three small boxes, which he opened and handed each to me one at a time to smell. 

He didn’t have to speak, I already knew what he was asking. I wondered how long he’d had the soaps there waiting for me. 

“Too long.” He supplied softly into my mind. 

I picked one that smelled fruity and sweet, because it was the only of the scents I somewhat recognized. He handed it to me to hold, then lifted me again and carried me into the now refreshingly hot water. 

He finally let me down on my own two feet again. With his emotions settling, I could feel he now wanted to attend my body with such tenderness and devotion I thought I might be brought to tears again. 

He took the soap from my hands and lathered it in the water, leaving the bar on a ledge next to his, spending the duration of the shower caressing and cleaning every inch of my body with his hands. 

With unspeakable care, he gently slid his fingers between my sore folds, washing away the sticky mess slathered all over my nether region. He gently kissed over every bite he’d left behind, his lips feather soft on the reddened, abused skin. 

My core coiled and warmed again, how hopelessly I loved and craved all he was. Rough and wild, but so deliberate and tender too. He was a very complicated man. But I wanted all of it. 

It felt so good to give in, to let these feelings take hold of me. 

His eyes flicked up to mine, he sensed my desire. It magnified and grew, reverberating between us in the bond. 

His member grew hard against my belly, and I could feel the slickness begin leaking from me again. He had taken before, and now he wanted to give. 

He turned me around, my nipples instantly erect at contact with the cold metal wall. 

He crowded into me again, his lips warm as his tongue salved my neck, one hand pulling me back against him and snaking around my waist, the other dancing up my abdomen to cup my uninjured breast and tweak the nipple. 

With a small gasp of pleasure and approval, I relaxed and surrendered again to his will. 

As one hand continued to roam and grope my upper body, the other delved into my sex again, rubbing at my clit and teasing at my entrance. 

He knew what I wanted instantly, and didn’t make me beg this time. 

He stooped slightly, spreading me from behind. I felt his hot tip lined up at my opening, then with a leisurely push, he buried himself inside me again. 

As he pushed into me, he stood to his full height with one arm around my hips pulling me up with him until his cock was fully seated in my throbbing pussy as he pressed me into the wall. 

I was already sore from the rough turbolift rutting, but it was like rubbing out an overworked muscle. His languid thrusts made me want to sob at the feeling of relief as my orgasm built steadily, then overtook me abruptly. 

Without ceremony, he shut off the water and withdrew from me, much to my chagrin. 

But he was filled with purpose, he was far from done. He folded a towel around himself, then began drying me, herding me back toward the bed. 

When my heels hit the bed frame, he wordlessly pushed me down on my back and he kneeled next to the bed. He grabbed the back of my knees and dragged me to him, tossing them casually onto his shoulders as his face descended on my swollen cunt and he began devouring me like a man’s last meal. 

I cried out at the shock, still overwhelmingly sensitive from my orgasm just minutes ago, but being rushed to the precipice again. 

I yanked at the blankets bunched in my fists as my hips bucked involuntarily into his face as I somehow managed to come again, my body racked with sensations far beyond coherent thought. 

A vague inkling drifted through my mind of the first time I was in his bed. I wasn’t sure how much more my body could take, but damned if I wouldn’t find out. 

He saw the memory a split second after I’d recalled it, and he obediently rose and tossed himself back down on the bed. 

I propped myself up and flipped over, admiring his imposing erection standing proudly waiting for me as I tossed a leg over his broad waist. 

A noise of desire rumbled in his chest as he watched me grip his thick member with my small hand, notching it against my entrance. 

He sighed loudly as I sunk down and sheathed his cock.

I don’t think I would ever tire of the immensely full feeling, my walls struggling to stretch and accommodate his girth. 

I leaned forward over him and he cupped my ass with both hands, egging me on as I gyrated, lifting his head up to suck and nibble at my breasts as the tiny mounds giggled in his face. 

Impossibly, another wave was building, readying to crash me into ecstasy again. He felt it immediately, and picked up pace beneath me, meeting my thrusts with persistence and groaning loudly beneath me. 

I could feel him swelling again inside me, ready to fall into oblivion with me. My pussy pulsed and ached with the desire to be full of his cum again.

A long, white hot sensation ripped through my body from my toes to my scalp and I held on for dear life.

“Yes- Oh gods- Fuck yes-“ I clung to him, my fingers fisted painfully tight in his hair as I cried out one final time, “Kylo!” 

I felt a snap somewhere in the bond, as his hips jerked and he cried out equally loud in a forceful orgasm, burying his face in my chest. 

The way his dick throbbed caused a delicious feeling inside me I couldn’t describe. 

He collapsed beneath me, and I atop him. I was so full I could feel the mixed spend leaking out already, even with him still inside me. 

A sudden and intense myriad of feelings rushed around us on the tail of it- excitement, joy, adoration, disbelief. 

I was slightly confused, waiting for some explanation to bloom in my awareness. 

Hesitance. 

Then it came. 

He recognized a final act of acceptance that made this all truly real to him. Something simple that hadn’t even occurred to me. 

I called out his chosen name. 

His thoughts were disordered and he couldn’t put words to how it had made him feel. He gave up on the words. 

His fingers lifted my chin to angle my face so his lips could claim mine in a painfully sweet kiss. 

When I finally looked into his eyes, they were so... vulnerable, lost, happy. I brought my hand up to caress his cheek, and his eyes fluttered closed to savor the contact. 

“I love you. All of you.” I whispered into his mind. 

His eyes opened, his lips quivered again and his jaw clenched and unclenched. 

“I love you, Rey. Until every star in the galaxy burns out, I’ll love you. And if there is life beyond that, I’ll love you then too.” He proclaimed out loud, as if to emphasize the depth of his feelings.

Chapter Text

Steadfast

I couldn’t be sure how long I’d been asleep, but I hoped Kylo hadn’t been awake watching me the whole time. 

He had gently prodded me awake, gathering me in his arms again and returning to the shower. My entire body felt gelatinous, and I was too tired to feel embarrassed about leaning against him for support. 

I hardly opened my eyes, tempted to fall asleep standing as he methodically washed me again, but most especially when his fingers worked deftly through my hair and massaged my scalp. 

Reluctantly, I leaned away from him to rinse the soap out of my hair, and finally opened my eyes. His face was passive, tugging me gently back into him as he leaned forward to cut the water off. 

This time, he was much more relaxed and took his time drying us both, and I passed the time peppering light kisses across his collarbone and shoulders. 

Once finished, he led me out of the fresher then into a closet full of black. I smiled to myself. I expected no less, honestly. 

He went to the very back and opened a small wardrobe. 

Again, I was struck by how dedicated he was all this time. It wasn’t a large assortment, and consisted of very practical garments, but they were very clearly several sizes too small to be his. 

A little color came to his cheeks as he regarded me, turning away so I wouldn’t see his face as he selected articles. 

“You were so cold...” He murmured quietly.

I had hurt him at every turn, and here this man stood, with a wardrobe full of clothes with no other purpose but to be here for me in case I needed them. 

I felt the tears sting at my eyes, but he pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms around me. 

“Don’t cry, Rey. You’re here now, and all of it was worth it.” He mumbled into my hair, kissing the crown of my head. 

I sighed and pulled back with a sniffle, and he pushed the offending liquid away from my eyes with his thumbs before leaning in and planting a chaste kiss on my lips. 

“Now, dress and I’ll send for dinner. I know you’re exhausted, I won’t keep you awake long, but you need to eat.” He handed me the items he’d selected and only paused briefly to pull on a set of black sweat pants of his own before striding out into his bedroom.  

Once dressed, I wandered out into the lounge area and found Kylo stretched out on a chaise reading from a datapad. I sat beside his knees and pointed to the hairbrush sitting in his lap. 

“Could I use that?” I asked. 

He sat the pad down on the end table, spreading his legs and beckoning me to sit between them. 

I complied, and didn’t argue when I felt his intention to brush my hair. I blushed a little, picking at my fingers as he untangled and smoothed my hair carefully. 

The door lock disengaged accompanied by the sound of a droid whirring quietly, bringing in a covered tray and depositing it on a small table nearby. 

When we sat down to eat and he removed the cover, my anxiety surged. I didn’t know what any of this was. 

But, before I could worry over it, I felt the knowledge and recognition- even the taste and texture- trickle into my mind. 

I smiled. 

It reminded me of the way I’d absorbed some of his lightsaber training and technique. That felt like so long ago. Like a different world almost. 

That we could share things that went so far beyond a simple thought still left me in awe.

I had the wherewithal to still feel a bit low brow and inexperienced in comparison to him though. 

He had a much more diverse life, full of so many things I had- 

“Yet. Things you have yet to experience. But will.” He finished my thought for me, effectively derailing my woe. 

The way he looked at me through his lashes as he ate a piece of muja fruit made my insides tremble. 

I stabbed a thick brown chunk with some kind of sauce on my fork. I now knew it was Chandrillian tendermeat, and that it was one of his favorites. 

When I took a bite, my toes curled in delight and I groaned softly to myself. I had never tasted something so good in all my life.

I looked up at Kylo, to find a full on smile on his face as he watched me. My cheeks burned red in embarrassment, and I tried to fight the nervous smile threatening my lips. 

Had I ever seen him smile? Certainly not like that. 

Breathless and happy. 

I tried to ignore it and devoured at least one of everything with enthusiasm. I had forgotten how hungry I was. I couldn’t even remember when my last meal was. 

His elation was consistent, and he watched me quietly, idly eating his fruit. 

Something occurred to me suddenly. 

“My bag!” I exclaimed, my eyes darted to meet his in panic. 

His brows furrowed in confusion, but the image in my mind of the bag's contents slid across the bond before I realized it. 

He chuckled loudly. 

“I have plenty of sweaters, it’s okay if you lost one. You’re welcome to claim a different one if you want.”

I pouted, ducking my head to eat the little custard again. 

It was foreign and uncomfortable to share my vulnerabilities with someone in such an intimate way. It made me feel childish.

“I think it’s sweet that you treasured it secretly. I’m flattered that you had such a sentimental attachment to something of mine.” His warm tone smoothed my frayed nerves. 

I guess I could live with that.

When I finished eating, a large yawn escaped me. 

“Come on, rest up for tomorrow.” He murmured, holding my hand lazily as we made our way back to the bedroom.

I climbed in beside him, and wordlessly he knew what I wanted again. He pulled me snug against his chest, face to face. 

His hand worked through my semi dry hair, peppering my face with soft kisses. 

It made my heart hurt in a strange way.

It was so nice it brought tears to my eyes. I felt safe. Not terrified, and alone, and desperate. 

His lips found mine with overwhelming tenderness. I melted into his embrace, his affection, his love. 

When he pulled away, he nestled me against his chest, resting his chin on the top of my head.

“I’ve got you. You’ll never be alone again, and you’ll never want for anything. I promise.” He whispered as I drifted off.

I was confident I was the most thoroughly loved woman in all of the galaxy.

—--------------------------

Kylo rose early in the morning, I found myself missing his warmth the minute he left the bed. He insisted I sleep as long as I liked, his day was packed with meetings anyway. He left with the promise of training together before dinner.

I still had a lot of questions, resurfacing now that my mind was becoming more clear. It had always been hard to think straight with him in close proximity. 

But before I could ponder much, I was interrupted by a droid as I dressed in the closet.

“Shall I bring your breakfast, mistress?” It asked in a pleasant, but digitized voice.

I felt caught, as though I were a thief with it’s master’s clothing in my clutches. I held the large sweater tight to my chest reflexively, but relaxed when I remembered droids had no real sense of modesty. 

It didn’t question what I was doing.

It had a slightly feminine look and voice, but the body of the droid was streamlined. It balanced on one wheel instead of legs, with glossy white plating covering the heart shaped chest, arms, and head. It had two large, yellow eye receptors and a small vocabulator where a mouth would be.

“Yes, thank you.” I responded simply, and it promptly left.

My body was still sore from the rough activities and thorough use of the day before, and I wondered about the dark marks sure to be there, but I decided to inspect that later. 

I put on a simple pair of leggings and a t-shirt from my wardrobe, but especially seeing as Kylo said it was alright, I pulled on the eagerly claimed, ridiculously huge, sweater too. 

By the time I came into the lounge just minutes later, the droid was already back with a covered tray, sitting it on the table again. 

“Mistress Rey, I was instructed to notify you that a tailor will be arriving to meet with you in 1 standard hour.” it informed me, then bowed slightly and left again without waiting for a response.

A tailor? Well, I’d need other pieces I suppose. What Kylo had tucked away for me were only very basic and practical items. 

After all, I would be ‘Lady Rey’ from now on. I guessed that would mean I’d need fancier robes. 

I dreaded that a little, because a scavenger had no use for heels and dresses, and thus wouldn’t know what to do with them. 

But, part of me was excited despite that. I’d always quietly wondered what it must be like to feel so womanly and refined. Words I’d never use to describe myself.

When I sat down and removed the cover, I realized Kylo wasn’t close enough to draw on again. I could feel him on the ship, but this meal would just have to be a self discovery. 

There was a small plate of a fluffy white and yellow substance, another small plate of some type of bread, then another with some kind of fruit. 

To my dismay, I only recognized one fruit, because it had appeared to be Kylo’s favorite at dinner- Muja fruit. 

Another was a light yellow and slightly green, when I cut it open it was a pale cream color inside and tasted sweet. Another was a reddish-orange color with a thick rind. The skin tasted horrible, but I found if I peeled that off, the soft orange flesh inside was juicy and sweet.

As for the fluffy white and yellow stuff, it was savory and vaguely reminded me of meat. Maybe it was some kind of ration I’d never come across? Whatever it was, I enjoyed it. Much better than any instant protein I’d had before.

When I finished, I still had time before the tailor would appear, and I nervously fidgeted not knowing what to do. I decided after a few minutes to wash my face, and hopefully brush my teeth. 

I figured I could poke around and find the items I needed in his fresher. He was always so prepared.

And I was right- he had left out a face cloth, toothbrush, and paste for me on the vanity. He was thoughtful, I’d give him that. 

As I expected, I saw one large, lurid blue-purple bruise peeking out from the crew neck. I knew the tailor would say nothing about it, but it still brought heat to my cheeks wondering what they would think.

As clean as I had probably been in years, I sat tentatively on the chaise in the lounge, fiddling with the ends of my hair. Sitting still was not a skill of mine. I really just wanted to get this over with.

My mind drifted off, and I found myself thinking of that beautiful boy from the vision. 

I hoped he would still exist somehow. That this way, I could provide for him and protect him. He would be so strong with the Force, he would struggle without someone to guide him. 

Without us. 

I had to find a way. Kylo would protect him too. We both knew what it meant to feel alone. To feel abandoned by our parents.

“My, so protective of him already.” Dark Rey’s voice was in my head this time, she didn’t appear. 

It must’ve been because Kylo was in such close proximity. I’d hoped with the bond fully open she’d disappear forever, but she still lingered. 

Weaker though, to be sure. 

“Of course I am. He’s mine. I love him.” I replied tersely. 

“But he’s Kylo’s too. He could already be inside you… do you feel him?” 

My face flushed instantly. That gave me pause. 

No, it would be absolutely impossible to know yet. I’d barely been with Kylo a full day and night. I shook the thought away. She was just messing with me again. 

My temper flared, ready to have at it, but then dissipated when I could no longer feel her presence. She was gone already?

A new thought struck me though. 

Had Kylo seen him too? He was always so certain I’d be with him. Was that why? It gave me some comfort to think that he had, and he held onto that while we were apart. 

Should I bring it up to him? I wasn’t sure.

When the tailor finally arrived, the same droid entered to announce him before he appeared in the doorway. I noted that I should get it’s name, it must be Kylo’s personal droid.

The man entered, a Mirialan from the looks of it. I’d read about them, but never met one before. 

He wore the typical crisp black uniform of the First Order. He had flawless yellow-green skin spattered with stark black tattoos. His lips were a strange shade of blue, and his eyes were a deep violet. His expression was...apathetic at best. 

“That-” he looked at the large sweater that hung over my small frame skeptically, “will need to be removed, mistress.”

I sighed, but complied.

He took many measurements, but spoke little at first. He tapped away at a datapad entering the measurements and compiling a list of other basic garbs to order according to my sizes.

Then, the fun part. I let myself enjoy picking the materials and design for my ‘battle gear’ as he called it. He showed me various fire retardant and reinforced textiles, suggesting some armored inserts here and there as we went. 

Once satisfied with that, the intimidating part began. Frilly, fluffy, silky fabrics of all kinds were rolled into the room by his stubby little assistant droid. 

He finally smiled, and I didn’t know if that was a good thing or not.

They were like gowns, but… disassembled. He stuck various pieces onto me- long stiff sleeves with structured shoulders, a skin tight bodice, and a long stiff skirt. 

The designs were intricate, but clearly unfinished, even to my unrefined eye. 

“Is this your idea?” I asked carefully, not wanting to offend the first person I met on board.

“No, mistress. It is according to the Supreme Leader’s instructions.” He replied bluntly, continuing to pinch and pin the monstrosity around my hips. 

While I appreciated Kylo’s taste and the refinement that came with his breeding, his design was not going to work for me. 

It was much too restrictive, I felt like I could hardly breathe. I decided firmly that he would have to tolerate me modifying it.

“So, you call me ‘mistress’, what does that mean exactly?” I tried not to sound as ignorant as I was.

He seemed dumbstruck by the question, however. 

“We are all instructed to treat you as equal to the Supreme Leader, you have ultimate authority and control over… anything you want to, I imagine.” He shrugged a little, but his body language was still stiff and uncomfortable.

I pursed my lips in thought. He’d given me my out on this ridiculous get up.

“Very well. Then I can make modifications, right?” I asked with a grin. 

The tailor fought a smile, I could tell. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Just as he promised, he appeared a couple standard hours before one would reasonably eat dinner. I could feel his energy enveloping all free space immediately. I could hear his purposeful stride as he crossed the main chamber. The door to his adjacent office opened and closed. 

“Well, shall we tidy up and go train?” He deposited a few datapads on the desk there, then headed to the bedroom.

Once clothed, I was eager to get to the training room. 

Kylo insisted I wear a cowl of his in the hallways, and he was leery whenever anyone crossed paths with us. I thought it was a bit funny, honestly. I didn’t find myself that appealing. 

He was pretty preoccupied with the idea they would find looking at my body too tempting to resist.

But inside the well appointed training room, I shrugged it off quickly. The leggings and tank top were a perfect fit, and I was ready to work up a sweat and burn off some of my stress and anxiety from the huge transition happening in my life. 

He snatched training sabers from a bin and tossed one to me.

He didn’t have to talk, through the bond I could see his intent, and we flowed through the forms he had been taught one by one in perfect sync. 

After several rounds, he threw up a mental wall and started pushing me through scenarios, showing me which form was perfect for each type of blow and defense. 

Something about it was soothing, the methodical system. Slowing down and actually learning about what I’d mostly been doing off wild instinct and incomplete, stolen, knowledge. 

It was also so interesting to see him adapt and use different techniques he had never utilized in our encounters. 

His go-to was brash, aggressive, and domineering. Gain ground, beat down the opponent. But, now, without the heat of battle on our necks, I saw a careful and dynamic side to his prowess. 

In the moment, he knew how to play to his strengths and he defaulted to that. But he recognized, as I did, a unique advantage we could now capitalize on- each other.

Still, with the bond, I couldn’t say it was something we really needed to practice. But, it was a welcome physical exertion and release for both of us to work in tandem through mock battle scenes.

Just as in the throne room, it was effortless. Like a well oiled machine run many, many times before. It felt like my blood sang, every nerve ending was excruciatingly alive and buzzing with excitement.

Kylo spun and engaged me as a mock enemy again. I was getting tired, as was he, and it was getting more difficult to push back against the physical weight of him bearing down on me.

I could feel something simmering in the air around us, as though the space between us was being suffused with our energy. It felt like every molecule sang with life and power, calling for me to wield it. 

Our sabers collided yet again, as I drew from the call I felt. In that split second of contact, I saw little sparks dancing across our training blades. Kylo startled hard, jumping back as though he had been shocked. 

My brow furrowed as I stared at my saber, wondering what had just happened and how. 

Before, it always happened so suddenly, I didn’t know where the bolts of lightning had come from inside me. Though I’d always suspected the connection to dark feelings, this was different. It was a slow build, something I could feel and choose to draw on. 

And I didn’t want to.

Those small sparks of electricity that had sprung forth from me just now were an unwelcome reminder of it’s devastating effects in previous use. 

I was strong with the Force and strong with my lightsaber. I didn’t need lightning, or whatever it was, and I didn’t want it.

Kylo must’ve seen the consternation on my face, and gracefully suggested we retire to our quarters and clean up for dinner.

Our quarters.

That thought perked me up a little, helping me relax and shake off my doubts. I would have plenty of time to worry about the rest of that later.

Thankfully, he didn’t insist on the cowl again on the walk back. I was too sweaty for it, and too tired to argue with him over it. As I suspected, not a soul dared to look at me, and he was watching every one of them carefully.

“You go ahead and take your time. I have a few things I need to review from earlier. I’ll send for dinner.” Kylo said as we walked through the lounge, parting to head for his office.

When I emerged clean, he passed me by with a quick peck, then disappeared into the fresher I’d just vacated. 

How nice it was to be able to clean myself daily. Whenever I wanted to, really. It was a luxury I’d certainly never had before and I appreciated it deeply. 

My skin seemed to like it too, it felt softer and looked clearer already. Not irritated and dry from being covered in grime and dirt all the time. 

I reclaimed his sweater I’d appropriated earlier from its hiding spot in my wardrobe. I didn’t want the droid to take it. 

I had just finished brushing out my hair when Kylo reappeared. He didn’t dally, that was for sure. He roughed up his hair with the towel, then tossed it into a bin near his closet. 

The droid had impeccable timing, rolling purposefully to the table and depositing the tray containing our meals before disappearing again.

“What’s her name?” I asked as we sat at the table.

“The droid you mean? GG-42.” He replied simply, surveying the food.

I picked up a light yellow-green fruit like I had eaten at breakfast, focusing on it. 

Immediately, my brain knew it was shuura. The favorite fruit of his grandmother, according to Leia’s adopted family. Kylo eyed me curiously as I stared at it, and I put it down right away. 

“I changed your designs.” I said casually, waiting to see how he reacted.

“I know.” He was unphased, continuing to eat his meal quietly.

I faltered, not expecting such a disinterested and vague response.

“You’re not mad?” I asked tentatively, pushing the food around with my fork, but watching his face intently for some sign of irritation or disapproval.

“No.” His response came just as before.

It made me feel frustrated, his lack of engagement. Maybe a different topic then.

“I’ve been thinking about it today, I’m trying to be comfortable in the position I’ve found myself in, but I’m not yet… I don’t know what to say or how to act.” I admitted, squirming a little in my seat. 

He eyed me carefully for a moment before replying.

“You didn’t ‘find’ yourself in it. You’re in it because of your power, you earned it. There’s a time for kindness and equity, but also a time to remind people of their place. You’re stronger than they ever could be, and carry much more responsibility as a result. You deserve, and should demand, their respect and obedience.” He said firmly.

“Not everything is about power, not for me.” I shook my head in disagreement, feeling even more frustrated.

He looked at me cryptically, then a sort of weariness overcame his features. 

He sighed before replying, “Yes, I know that. But, you agreed to rule beside me. To lead. And I asked you to do that because you have the power to, we’re better and stronger together. It’s one thing to love you, I’m not discrediting that as my main desire for your presence. But, it wouldn’t be the reason I asked you to be by my side as a partner to reign.”

I knew he was right, I was getting caught up on semantics and letting myself be too needy. 

He loved me. He confirmed that in many ways, over and over. Why couldn’t I stop pushing for more? I needed to get a grip on that. 

He was right, I had a responsibility to the galaxy because of the power I’d been blessed with. It was reckless and neglectful to let it go to waste. 

I could soften some of his severity and scale back violence, and he’d toughen me up, show me how to think bigger like he did. We knew instinctively back in the hangar- together, we were the balance. 

“I hear what you’re saying, but… I’m just a desert rat. There’s nothing elegant about me. I’m not some brooding giant like you that intimidates people with sheer size, if nothing else . How do I lead? How do I… treat people?” I tried not to fumble despite the rock in my stomach.

I hated the disparity between us. I wished I was some well-mannered and purposefully raised princess that was prepared for this type of role. I wished I knew how to do this, and not have such a conflict of conscience. 

“That is not true. You are not a rat. You’re a young woman, one that was neglected and mistreated, but all the same. You’re naturally beautiful, you don’t need all the pomp and circumstance for people to admire you, Rey.” He leaned forward, meeting my gaze to emphasize his words.

He sighed again, and leaned back, seemingly contemplating what he’d say next. 

“There are two ways to lead, through love or fear. People who understand our vision will love you, from afar, because of what you stand for and all that you do for them. People who stand in our way will fear you, because you will destroy them. As for how to treat them… you have a soft heart at times. Not everyone with a smile and kind words means you well. Keep people at a distance, don’t let them get familiar. The closer they are, the more they will try to exploit or undermine you.”

His brow furrowed and he shifted in his seat before continuing again.

“Keep thoughts and feelings for me only, they’re not safe with anyone else. No matter how much you like them. You tell them what to do, you decide what their fate is. Don’t allow disobedience, disrespect, or overreaching. You’re in control. Remember that- even when it doesn’t feel like it, you are. Finally… I’ll offer one last piece of advice.”

His eyes grew dark, and the energy around us shifted almost imperceptibly. As if it became heavier, denser. Ominous, almost.

“Kill anyone who dares to raise a hand toward you. And know that if you don’t, they’ll suffer a much worse fate at my hands before I allow them to die.” 

His expression was dead serious, and I felt the sincerity in his voice. He was being very clear, and the way he said ‘allow’ left no doubts. He would torment them until their physical body couldn’t handle anymore and gave out. 

It would be a slow, and very painful, death.

A shiver slipped down my spine, causing me to sit up straighter. My thighs pushed together, and I cursed the dark impulses that resided in me. The thought of him torturing someone to death just for touching me should absolutely not arouse me.

It was a stark reminder that he was a flesh and bone man, complete with earthly vices. He’d staked his claim over me, and god help any sentient being who threatened it. 

Because he was not just any humanoid male. If the sheer size and brute strength wasn’t enough to deter the challenge, the maelstrom of Force energy vibrating around him would be the end for the poor soul. 

Kylo’s eyes were alight with mirth now, and a deep, throaty chuckle escaped him.

“Don’t laugh at me, I can’t help it.” I huffed, my face burning with embarrassment. 

He stood and came around the table, sending my heart racing. His mind was quiet, his shield was up. I didn’t know what he intended to do. 

He pushed my thighs apart, then lifted me effortlessly onto his waist. His hands engulfed my buttocks as he walked toward the bedroom, a firm protrusion from his groin bumping against my core with each step.

“Come now, little one. Nothing to be ashamed of. Let me take care of your needs, again. ” He grinned wickedly.

Chapter Text

Steadfast

It was still odd to absorb things. That it had really happened, that Rey was really mine. 

‘Mine…’ The beast revealed in the thought too, finally satisfied. 

I now knew what it meant to truly not be alone, to feel whole. And I liked it.

She’d surprised me by deviating from the designs I prepared, but I had given her full reigns after all. She was bound to test the limits, she was a stubborn and independent woman. 

I knew what I was doing, and I trusted her. To be honest, I was pleased she exerted authority so soon and without prompting. 

Baby steps.

She and I both recognized she’d need some grooming and encouragement in that regard. But she was willing, and that was a huge step in the right direction. 

It was hard to concentrate on my meetings and obligations, knowing she was waiting and being so anxious to return to her. Having someone to return to every night was… I still didn’t have words for how that felt.

Her delights were so simple, it was endlessly endearing. It really helped put things in perspective for me, just how high she had risen and just how much I’d taken for granted in my life. 

She enjoyed being clean. She enjoyed fruity smelling things. She enjoyed having her hair brushed for her. She enjoyed learning and trying new things,most especially food items. 

She enjoyed things that smelled like me- that one I found particularly amusing, and slightly arousing, but mostly sweet.

Her anxieties were more complex. But I tried to soothe those that I could. 

Not knowing things was a big one. So I was careful to leave things out for her for the first few days to help ease her transition when I was away. 

Not fitting in. She wanted to look and feel the part, wanted to be confident in herself. While the latter would take time and training, I could help with some immediacy on the former. The tailor was busy preparing all her clothing on priority.

She was anxious about the disparity in our upbringings, about not being ‘enough’ or ‘worthy’ of me in some strange sense. She’d gathered that I came from a noble lineage, and it made her feel inadequate. 

It was nonsense in my opinion, but I was gentle about it and reinforced that it was not a concern in the slightest for me. She’d have to sort over that one with herself.

Her most intense anxiety was about her power. We trained daily throughout the week, but she was still fearful and hesitant to draw on the darkness despite how strong it had become inside her. 

I knew she could do it, she was made for it, but how could I help her? So far, nothing I said or did seemed to help. I thought back to our conversation last night after we finished sparring.

“You’ll never conquer your fear of the shadow if you’re unwilling to learn to control it.” I told her, trying not to seem like I was scolding her. 

“I don’t want it. Nothing good has ever come of wielding it.” She rebuked defiantly. 

I sighed.

“Like it or not, it’s part of you. A very powerful, strong part of you. The reason it lashes out against your will is because you can’t control it. If you refuse to ever learn, you run the risk of such things continuing to happen. Everyone around you is at risk if you can’t wield it, whether your intention is to save them from it, or save them with it.” I replied calmly.

Her eyes met mine for only a moment, almost panicked- and full of dread.

Something else did trouble me though as the week progressed. 

When I was away from Rey, something was trying to… penetrate. As though we’d formed a little bubble only for the two of us, but some external force was trying to subtly slide inside unnoticed. 

I couldn’t figure out what it was, and it was agitating me more and more each day.

I shook away the thought, trying to focus as Hux droned on about something or another. 

But the back of my mind was alight, her final fittings would be today. Tomorrow, I would finally present her to the assembled Supreme Council, the Knights of Ren, then briefly to the officers and troopers. 

I’d been preparing her to lead her own mission the day after that presentation to display her prowess and establish her firmly in a position of respect. 

It was important she did it on her own, and I was riddled with anxiety at that thought. It was a big test. She’d lead regiments of stormtroopers, assisted by her choice of 3 of my knights to accompany her, who would also be at her command. 

However, the Knights of Ren were critical, and not easily impressed. They’d watch her like a hawk. It was paramount she made a favorable impression, or things could get contentious and difficult. 

I needed trusted enforcers, a rift between us would be very undesirable. 

When it came down to it though, I trusted her. She would make me proud, as she always did. She was intelligent and more than capable. She would figure it out. 

I took a deep breath and re-centered myself in the moment again.

------------------------------------------------------

After training with her newly completed saberstaff, Rey was energized and excited over dinner. 

She explained how she made minor adjustments to the suggestions I’d offered for the conversion, and finally found just the right arrangement for the stability of the blades and integrity of the hilt. 

I nodded along calmly as I ate, knowing full well what she was talking about and how she had done it, but giving her the pleasure of explaining it all in great detail for me anyway. 

I couldn’t help but smile at her exuberance. It was the most carefree and at ease she had felt on board so far, and I was soothed feeling that she was finding her way.

“Are you ready for tomorrow?” I asked when the conversation lulled. 

She faltered.

“I… I think so.” She replied, trying hard to look confident and assured, but I could feel her unease.

I arched a brow in skepticism. She ruffled. 

“Well, it’s just intimidating. It’s a lot of important people! I know what you’ve said about how I’m supposed to act and all… I’m just not used to it yet. Besides, what’s more important is defeating Palpatine. We can’t keep putting that off.” She said pointedly.

“It is. But they will sense your nervousness, you need to control that. You’ll adjust in time. We will get rid of Palpatine, but one thing at a time, little one.” I responded, unfazed.

“What exactly are your beliefs anyway? How do you justify all the senseless killing?” She demanded, seeking control in the situation by trying to put me off. 

It almost made me want to chuckle how transparent she could be at times.

“How many people died on the Death Star? The second? How many people have died on destroyers, dreadnoughts, cruisers, that the rebels shot down? It’s awful self righteous to point the finger, to keep an alleged democracy rampant with corruption and gridlocked constantly to the point it’s entirely ineffective. When it comes down to it, they’re all selfish, incompetent, or both. Only promoting their own interests, to hell with the consequences. Leave underdeveloped worlds or ones too far from the Core to suffer. Like the one your childhood was squandered on-” I paused to emphasize my point.

“To be unable to agree on any law or policies to curb piracy and criminal entities, letting them grow and operate with minimal restraint in the gray areas left behind. Oh, how the rebels clung to democracy. Rebels can only tear down a government, not build one. Was any of it actually better than the Empire? Or is it just two sides of the same coin casting stones? For me, it's clear it was the latter. That’s why I’m going to create a New Order.” I replied succinctly. 

She huffed and sat back, mulling over what I’d said. She hadn’t expected me to be prepared for that question. 

I was nothing if not thorough, I would’ve figured she knew that by now. 

But she leaned forward again, “You didn’t answer about the killing.” She said firmly, sure that I was avoiding it due to discomfort. 

But, again, she was wrong.

“Nobody is ever really gone, there is no real life or death, only the Force. The cosmic Force energy of those who die is just transferred and becomes a new life of some sort, it never ceases to exist completely. I know what needs to be done and how to do it, I’ll shoulder that burden and carry it out. I don’t need to be a hero, that’s just pride and vanity. I’m comfortable with being despised. To use my power to create peace and order for billions of total strangers. That is the sacrifice. To be vilified by others, by people I may know and care for, and for my personal sacrifice to be totally unknown to those billions, to do my duty for the good of the Galaxy.” 

I clasped my hands together, resting my elbows on the table and my chin on my hands, waiting for more questions she’d inevitably ask.

However, none came. She was silent for several moments, lost in thought. Her barrier was up, I couldn’t probe those thoughts. But, I was curious and watched her intently. 

“You’ve been right all this time... Maybe more than you realized.” She said quietly, bringing her eyes up to meet my gaze. 

There was sadness in them. 

Perhaps she had still been torn on the Resistance’s stance, and I’d just finally put all the pieces in place. She saw it now too. And it wasn’t what she’d hoped to find, not the answers she’d wanted. 

But, a new resolve, stronger than ever, filled her.

“I don’t want to hurt or kill people. But, I see the logic in what you believe. How you get by, how you cope with the violence. What we want to achieve… it’s necessary.” Her response was calm, as though she’d made peace with the idea. 

I didn’t sense the nervousness and frustration from moments ago.

----------------------------------------------------  

After breakfast, we prepared for the ceremony ahead.

When I finally saw her in the gown she’d modified, I couldn’t help the grin that overtook me.

It immediately reminded me of my own garbs, but softer. More feminine. It was perfection.

Her shoulders were exposed, as seemed to be a consistent preference of hers. Her arm wrappings were replaced by sleek leather gloves that ended just below her biceps. 

She had forgone the dense tunic material I preferred, stead choosing a cyrene silk dress that shimmered under the bright lights, with a multi-layered tulle collar covering her chest. Then, a leather binder cinched her waist, with a single layer of tulle covering the rest of her floor length gown.

The dress had an ethereal, but vaguely dangerous feel to it. A fitting metaphor.

The command bridge was emptied of unnecessary crew. A cold presence filled the void left- the Knights. 

They were Force sensitive, but lacked formal training. Anyone who might doubt their strength due to that however, would do so at their own peril. Their power was blunt, but substantial. They wouldn’t be counted as those you’d want as enemies.

Their helmets prevented gauging their reaction through expression, but I could feel their eyes on her as she glided forward.

The members of the Supreme Council, well, their reactions were much more obvious. 

Allegiant General Pryde, General Hux, Admiral Frantis Griss, and Generals Amret Engell, Bellava Parnadee, and Domaric Quinn stood stiffly in a neat line opposite the Knights as we entered.

Pryde, normally painfully void of emotion, almost looked curious. Hux looked vaguely disdainful, but was putting forth considerable effort to keep a neutral face. Griss looked pleased. Too pleased for my liking, actually. Upon observing my face, his fell. 

Engell rarely gave occasion for pause, and this was no exception. Always calm and compliant, ready for whatever task is handed to her. She received Rey with warmth, and I didn’t miss how much that pleased Rey.

Parnadee was formal and respectful. Quinn, however, looked positively bored. As if he couldn’t wait to get away from this meeting. But as my brow furrowed at this realization, Parnadee spoke, diverting my attention.

“The whispers I’ve heard appear to be true then. She will be a boon to your recruiting efforts, Engell.” Parnadee jested, a smirk forming on the usually stern general’s face.

“Yes, indeed. Such a beauty is sure to inspire thousands, if not millions!” Engell replied with a carefully refined exuberance. 

Rey’s reaction was appropriately satisfied, but demure. 

A scoff from Quinn’s direction was not missed. He immediately looked uncomfortable under my gaze. 

“Something to say, general?” I prompted, the displeasure evident in my voice.

He fidgeted, his eyes flickering around to the others gathered. 

“Well, this girl appears out of the blue, and now she leads us? Because she is a sorceress, not because she’s earned-”

Abruptly, Quinn’s feet lifted from the floor as he desperately gasped for air, clutching at an invisible vice around his neck.

To my surprise, it was not me who assaulted the seditious general.

I gathered my wits, I couldn’t have them see my reaction. We were one. While I knew her to be soft at heart, they couldn’t know that.

I watched with silent satisfaction as I felt the life dwindling from his pathetic form. I felt the ebb and rise in Rey’s power, her darkness surging. I felt proud, and quite aroused if I were honest. 

Then suddenly, Quinn’s body was flung upward until it collided violently with the ceiling. A resounding snap, followed by silence other than the harsh thud of his corpse impacting the bridge.

“Well done, Lady Rey.” Hux bowed, grinning like a Cheshire cat. 

I did not trust that man.

“A perfectly succinct response, ma’am.” Parnadee nodded approvingly. 

Rey kept her chin high, but I could feel her emotions swirling.

“You did the right thing.” I spoke through the bond.

She noticeably calmed, taking a steadying breath as she turned to face the Knights. I introduced them each in order, a less formal meeting. They didn’t care for frivolity.

“Ap'lek, Cardo, Kuruk, Trudgen, Ushar, and Vicrul.” Each nodded as I spoke their name.

Rey observed them carefully, studying their features. 

“So, which of us shall it be then?” Vicrul asked.

His shadow was bearing down the room, wild and uncontained. It lapped around us, not having the usual effect he was hoping for. He liked to inspire fear and despair in his enemies. My eyes narrowed. 

Rey was not an enemy. But, he would treat her with barely veiled contempt until she earned his respect. They didn’t care about ‘leaders’ or politics. This was a very different obstacle to overcome. 

“Ap’lek, Kuruk, and you, Vicrul.” Rey responded cooly, unfazed.

Good girl. She had studied up on them, and made a clear, calculated choice.

Kuruk being a sniper, he’d give her excellent eyes. Ap’lek was brilliant at deceptions and strategy; misdirects, feints, traps were his specialty. Vicrul… well. He had the most powerful shadow, and used it to intimidate and demoralize his enemies for an added edge. 

On an open battlefield, they all could prove exceptionally useful.

Kuruk gave no indication of having heard her, other than promptly leaving. He would be going to prepare. Ap’lek simply nodded, and departed as well. Vicrul chuckled a bit.

“ Lady Rey, I am looking forward to witnessing your skill in battle. I’ve been itching for a good fight.” He replied, then casually strolled off the bridge. 

The remaining three Knights awaited order or dismissal.

“I have another mission for you three. I will meet with you in the squad bay after the ceremony.”

“Understood.” They responded in unison, turning to leave.

“Might I suggest we move on to the main hangar? All are assembled and prepared for the broadcast.” Engell asked.

“Yes, let’s get on with it.” Rey affirmed, not looking to me for cue as she strode forward.

I almost wanted to laugh to myself, what an unexpected change in character. I had worried about this day endlessly, but she was prepared and executing beautifully. Literally.

In the main hangar, we strode out onto the catwalk toward the prepared platform. Below us, stormtroopers, officers, and other personnel were all organized and standing in perfect rows and columns. 

Rey stood to my left, and neatly arranged her dress swiftly. Her expression was assured, her posture, confident. I adjusted my cape appropriately, and pushed some stray hair from my face. I signaled I was ready, and washed my face of emotion as the broadcast began.

”Our former Supreme Leader, Snoke, brought us here. Ushered us into power. He created the First Order that he envisioned. Now, I stand before you today with a new vision. One for a New Order. We will grasp the power and potential we now possess, ushering this galaxy into an unprecedented era of prosperity and security with myself and Lady Rey at the helm. Together, we will be the harbingers of justice, and the defenders of law. So I say this now- to all criminal and corrupt rulers, enterprises, and otherwise- your days are numbered. No longer will good people toil and waste away. No planet will be ignored, no dissent spared. We offer you purpose, safety, and structure. I give to you now a most solemn vow, to relentlessly pursue these ends for all of my days.” 

As I finished, the broadcast ended. At Rey’s behest, I did not press her to speak. The ranks applauded.

As I was bombarded with officers with questions and datapads in tow, Rey made off toward the turbolift. Surely the day was overwhelming and she needed to decompress, her body language was very stiff. But it didn’t escape my notice that Hux slipped into the lift with her.

I definitely did not trust that man. 

—----------------------------------------

A few days after Rey departed with her entourage, I couldn’t stop fidgeting. Couldn’t focus. It took everything within me to resist monitoring communications on Ryloth.

But it was a time to sit with my own thoughts. Thoughts I’d been burying around Rey, I didn’t want to trickle over the bond. I was toeing a precarious line, and I wasn’t sure how long I could keep it up. 

Exegol… I had a very carefully calculated plan. Rey was eager to face Palpatine, but she wasn’t ready. 

Unfortunately it reminded me of Han. 

He was always hiding things from Leia. Waiting until the last moment, when there was no escaping it, to drop some bomb in her lap.

It sent a white hot lick of guilt straight down to my stomach. 

No, no. It wasn’t anything like that. I was not like him. 

I respected Rey, I wanted the best for her. I wasn’t a smuggler or a pirate or some otherwise miscreant bringing heaps of trouble to her doorstep. Quite the opposite.

Their relationship was always that way. Harsh and discordant, rife with conflict.

Things with Rey might’ve come from a rough start, but we were on the same path now. United. We were in harmony, aligned. Everything was right.

I needed to shake these thoughts and focus on my work.

I typically operated from my office near the command bridge during the day cycle, so I would be available to respond quickly to issues of the day or emergent situations. In the night cycle, I retired to my quarters and worked from my private office on more monotonous paperwork.

I was reviewing a series of reports from various battlefront operations when the intercom buzzed from the bridge, breaking my concentration.

“Supreme Leader, pardon the interruption.” The bridge officer spoke with noticeable apprehension. 

“Go ahead.” I replied with a frustrated sigh, sure this would be something tedious.

“A small squadron of Resistance fighters engaged the Steadfast .” She responded tentatively.

I stopped reading, and slowly looked up, staring blankly at the door.

“And?” I huffed with irritation.

“They were swiftly dealt with. However, at least one fell into the atmosphere of Tatooine nearby. Locals apparently recovered the pilot, badly injured, but alive. They have made contact seeking a reward for turning him over.”

Tatooine? I hadn’t noticed we were close.

Hmm. Well, I told Rey I’d leave them alone. I wouldn’t make myself a liar. 

You are a liar. You’re not worthy of her. A disquiet part of my mind whispered.

I shook it off. I didn’t have time for that line of thought. 

Anyway, a single squad was nothing to worry about, as my crew had already made a point of. 

But it was strange. A suicide mission to be sure. What was the point? Might as well find out.

“Very well. Have Hux oversee.”

A few hours had passed, and I was elbow deep in some trade acquisitions when I felt something… strange. Something rippling out in the Force. It made the hairs on my neck stand up. There was a weight to the air for some reason. 

Then the door to my office suddenly opened. A smug looking ginger was standing there proudly.

“Yes? Do you have something urgent or just a pressing need to stand there looking self satisfied?” I asked, exasperated with the day already. 

“It’s him. The top Resistance pilot who escaped us. We’ve got him. He just woke up, I thought it might please you to be the first to interrogate him.” Hux was clearly thrilled, expecting some pat on the back I assumed.

“Hmm. Yes, I would like a word with him.”

I strode down to the medical bay and was greeted by a gruesome sight.

A medical droid worked quietly, the doctor turned and approached me.

“Supreme Leader.” He bowed, then continued, “His right arm was mangled beyond repair. We were able to graft the skin and close up a large wound in his right side. Scans show severe head trauma and subdural hematoma. I suspect he has suffered significant memory loss, and that whatever is lost is permanent.”

I approached the barely conscious pilot, the droid making final adjustments to the wound left behind by his amputation. The man looked sweaty and delirious.

“Ah, and one more thing that you might find pertinent. While he does not remember his own name apparently, he has droned on since waking about someone named ‘Rey’ that he must find. He asks where she is repeatedly. Perhaps he is referring to Lady Rey. But, I do not know why he was seeking her, he hasn’t said.” the doctor mentioned as he idly tidied up his tools.

That got my attention.

He knew her.

That could be a problem.

“Tell me your name, pilot.” I demanded.

His eyes slowly meandered to me, then sluggishly focused.

“I… I d-don’t know.” He slurred.

I leaned over him, bringing my face closer to his.

“Who am I?” I asked, examining his face for evidence of deceit.

“I…” His face marred with confusion and he groaned in pain, closing his eyes tightly.

“I’ve t-t-ried, ev-everyone keeps asking m-me questions… I don’t rem-remember a-anything. Just R-r–rey. I ha-have to f-find her.” He managed, despite his shaking and stuttering.

His defenses were nearly non-existent, it didn’t take much to force my way into his mind. He didn’t resist at all. 

Nothing.

Vague snippets of images of Rey. Her smiling, her greeting him. His feelings. He was protective of her. He’s unquestionably loyal to her, but he can’t even remember why.

What was even more curious, was the substantially stronger shadow within him.

When I first encountered him, he had a stunted Force sensitivity. Many ace pilots did. He probably wasn’t even aware of it, but it’s how he managed to put up any fight at all against my mind intrusions before.

But he was a bright fire of light back then... Something had happened to him.

A plan was forming.

“Poe Dameron. That’s your name.” I said firmly.

“P-poe…” He repeated in a daze. “Th-that sounds right. I think.”

I turned and headed for the door.

“Get him a prosthetic and prepare him to return to duty.” I commanded. 

The doctor looked at me curiously for a moment, but nodded and headed into an adjoining room.

“I’ll have you back in the cockpit soon, Dameron.”

Chapter Text

 Steadfast
“You know me. Help me fill in the gaps here,” The fallen pilot demanded.
Mahogany eyes locked on me imploringly the second I entered the medical bay.
Poe was recovering quickly, he was now alert. More himself, I supposed. Annoyingly so.
“Which gaps?” I asked, feigning disinterest by diverting my attention to a datapad.
He chuckled dryly.
“I take it we weren’t buddies then,” he muttered.
“No,” I replied, continuing to read the medical report.
He sighed, fidgeting with the bedsheet with his good hand.
The silence stretched on for several moments, but I knew he couldn’t resist. The first time we captured him we couldn’t get him to shut the fuck up to save his life. He hadn’t changed.
“Will you tell me who she is?” Ah, yes. As expected.
“You need to practice using it,” I deflected, looking pointedly at his prosthetic hand, before resuming my reading.
“I see why we weren’t friends. You’re an asshole,” he replied, undeterred by my attempt at diversion.
I still hadn’t completely decided how to handle this.
He wasn’t going to drop the topic of Rey. Of course he wasn’t- it's all he could remember. The only clue to his identity. I could only avoid it for so long, if I wanted my plans to turn out.
“Use your new hand to grip that ball on the table,” I sat the datapad down on the counter and approached the side of his bed.
His brow furrowed, I could see the defiance in his eyes. A familiar fire burned there, one that had always made me uncomfortable. It felt like an echo of my mother, and it made my stomach twist.
I crossed my arms and lifted my chin. I couldn’t let him see any weakness.

 He huffed, then looked down at the false appendage. Emotions fluttered across his features. His eyes narrowed, his lips pursed. His face was so expressive.
I didn’t need to read his mind to know that being a pilot was his core identity. It meant everything to him. This was a profound loss to him, even if he couldn’t remember his life.
“Are you going to wallow or overcome this?” I demanded. I had an endless mountain of other things to do.
“Fuck you,” he retorted, using his other hand to pull all the fingers of the prosthetic down except the middle.
“I’ll tell you who she is. If you do it.”
This time he glared at me, but his features filled with determination.
He stared at the ball, locked on to his target. The mechanical arm slowly lifted, wrist rotating, hand flexing open. As the fingers grazed the small object, his face was drawn in concentration.
He carefully gripped the ball, but it was squashed under the pressure. He frowned.
“The more you use it the more your control will improve. I can’t let you in a cockpit until you show me you can control it,” I said leaning a hip against the wall.
He needed a goal. Something to work for.
“You’ll let me fly again?” he asked softly, a vulnerability I had never seen in him.
It was strangely a little endearing. A little.
Like a ghost, the feelings of a young boy being given a second chance to fly by his father passed through me.
A summer spent waiting for Han. My mother was agitated. I would always beg him to take me with him, but he always said no. That time when he returned in the fall, I decided I would prove my worth. Show him I could be a great pilot too.
I didn’t succeed.

 He recovered the Falcon before it was destroyed beyond repair, but I’d been flung from my seat by impact and broken my wrist. I was fraught with guilt and shame, I couldn’t even look him in the eye after.
My parents fought, again. I wished I didn’t exist.
But when the repairs were done, and the storm of anger had passed, Han came to me.
“Hey kid... You know, ya can’t go thinking you’re a pilot just cause you play some Holo games, alright? Things coulda been much worse... but, uh, listen. I’ll make ya a deal. You get that wrist fixed up... and be good for your mother. And when I get back, I’ll teach you how to really fly.”
It was the only promise he made to me that he actually kept. Second chances...
“If you promise you won’t destroy more fighters,” I felt a smile tugging at my lips as the words crossed my lips.
He beamed.
There was something so earnest about him. It almost made me feel a little guilty about what I was doing.
“Yeah, well, no promises,” he smirked.
“She’s your sister,” I said, careful to keep my voice and face completely neutral as I lied to him. “Oh,” a look of understanding washed over him.
“We rule together. She is extremely important. I want you here now to help me protect her.” “Where was I before?” he asked.
The usually cool doctor suddenly rushed in, distress evident.
“Supreme Leader,” he blurted, almost breathless.
I cocked an eyebrow.
He swallowed thickly.
“It’s Lady Rey...” His voice was barely audible.

 My heart fell into my stomach. The blood left my face. I might be ill. That feeling in the Force... The heaviness...
A hand, warm and steady, clamped onto my shoulder. I was sluggish as I glanced over, finding a gesture of support, and concerned eyes.
I tried to form words, but it felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room.
“What’s happened?” Poe asked in my stead.
The doctor’s eyes nervously appraised me, and I nodded.
“She was injured on the battlefield. The Knights have just returned her to the ship, they are on the way up with her now.”
The walls groaned loudly as they crowded in. A few lights suddenly burst.
The fear in the doctor was plain.
“Easy,” Poe said quietly.
I took a long breath. The walls creaked with relief once released, but the damage was done.
Poe gingerly rose out of the bed and walked closer. I wasn’t sure why I was allowing it, but Poe herded me into a corner like I was some feral animal as she was rushed into the bay.
A Lethan Twi’lek had ushered her in.
Twi’lek were a humanoid race with colorful skin and a pair of shapely prehensile tentacles that grew from the base of their skulls called “lekku”. A one in a million genetic mutation caused the trademark red skin that the Lethan offshoot were identified by.
She backed away quickly and disappeared out the doors she’d just come through.
My eyes were glued to Rey. Her exposed skin was unnaturally pale with ash stuck all over it. The reek of burning flesh reaching my nostrils.
It had barely registered that Ap’lek was also dragged in, though he appeared to be in considerably worse condition.
Droids were strategically cutting away his clothing and attempting to peel it from sections of oozing, blackened skin.

 “Rey, you’re safe...” I tried to call out a reassurance through the bond, but came up against a dark immovable wall. Her mind was unreachable, as if she had retreated to some internal fortress to recover from whatever had happened.
All her limbs were intact though, and her breathing was shallow, but it was there. The doctor and multiple droids furiously prepared her for the bacta tank. Satisfied that her survival was assured, my fear turned to unadulterated rage.
I shrugged Poe away and launched out of the med bay doors.
“What the fuck happened?” I growled through clenched teeth at the remaining Knights waiting solemnly in the hallway.
Vicrul was indignant at the implication in my voice, and immediately yelled back, “Fucking Sith on steroids in there is what happened! You told us to follow her orders as though they were your own, and that’s exactly what the fuck we did. Now here we are.”
Vicrul’s shadow was like a solar flare, lashing out in red, hot anger. The air surrounding us heated as if about to burst into flames.
Sith? Why did he think she was a Sith?
“This is so helpful,” a firm, feminine voice interjected. I spun on my heel to appraise the intruder, and violet eyes challenged me.
“Who the fuck are these women you’ve let on my flagship?” I demanded of Kuruk, gesturing to the two strange female humanoids.
Kuruk sighed, replying simply, “Friends of the Lady.”
“And we agreed to serve her, not you, just so we’re clear here bucko,” the same insolent woman interjected again, crossing her arms across her chest.
“Bucko? Is that what you just called me?” My voice rose in pitch, prompting the Twi’lek woman to respond.
“Okay, Tis, I don’t think you’re helping things either,” she gestured with a placating wave of her hand, “Everyone needs to calm down.” Her cool, emerald eyes were oddly disarming.
Vicrul scoffed and stormed off down the hall with a swirl of his cloak, leaving behind a trail of ashen boot prints. Kuruk was still and silent as a statue, only the gleam of his blaster rifle making his appearance seem threatening.

 “Let’s just start anew here. I’m Alora, this is Tis. We unintentionally found ourselves in the path of Lady Rey’s campaign and she took us in.”
Alora had bright red skin and a long pair of Lekku that reached her waist with several gold bands near the base, in contrast to Tis, whose indigo skin and blue-black hair led me to believe she was likely a Wroonian. She utterly lacked the refinement required to be a Pantoran, that was certain.
An odd pair.
That was when my mind was clear enough to assess the situation more fully.
They were both Force sensitives. Tis was already in shadow. Alora was somewhere in between, but much stronger than Tis. How exactly had Rey procured them?
“Took you in?” I asked calmly.
“Yes. We had gotten in a bit of trouble, wrong place wrong time sort of thing. We ended up enslaved, then imprisoned when they realized we had means to get away from our ‘masters’. I didn’t know Tis before being captured, but my companions are long since dead. I have nowhere to return to, so I felt compelled to join Lady Rey’s efforts.”
I wasn’t sure that was a sufficient explanation, but it didn’t appear that Alora had any more specific reasoning than that.
“I just wanted to come along,” Tis shrugged nonchalantly.
I sighed and pinched my temple.
“Fine. Kuruk will show you to the supply depot to acquire uniforms.”
“Uniforms?” Tis fired back with contempt.
I raised an eyebrow in surprise, but decided this needed a firm hand. I was not going to tolerate any more backtalk from a street urchin.
Tis suddenly found herself slammed against the wall, a visible pressure being exerted across her collarbone. She was unyielding, trying to breathe through the obvious pain.
“Yes, uniforms. In case it escaped your notice, this is a military,” I growled.
I released her abruptly. She gasped at the air loudly, trying not to stumble as she regained her feet.

 I moved close enough to open the med bay doors again, and called Poe out into the hall. “Go with them and get new uniforms. Get room assignments too while you’re down there.” “Understood,” he responded quietly, nodding, then followed the group toward the lift. —----------------------------------
Rey’s POV
I was floating...
Silence. Darkness. Drifting in space. No form. No purpose.
Something was poking at me though. Why? What did it want?
I became aware of my body again, a weightless sensation to it. A whooshing sound in my ears. My heartbeat so imposing.
Light warmed my eyelids.. I tried to open them, but couldn’t see.
My arms and legs were dead weight, my efforts to move them were futile, but my body seized.
An alarm sounded, as if from behind a door far away. Suddenly, a pressure bore down on my body.
Cold rushed over the roots of my hair, then all down my face, neck, torso, belly, legs, feet.
The sensation in my fingertips came back. Cool metal lay under them. I could hear a strange sucking, gurgling sound, and lots of mechanical whirring.
Warm skin enveloped my body. I was being lifted. Still my eyes refused to open. But somehow, I knew I was safe.
Content, I fell back into the warmth of welcome nothingness.
A jostling startled me. Finally, blurry sight returned.
It was dark. A dim light creeped along an open doorway. Smooth, silky sheets caressed my skin. Our room. I was in our bed, in our room.
How did I get here? Wasn’t I somewhere else?

 Ryloth.
My heart began to race. I felt cold all over. It was hard to breathe. A dull roar building in my ears.
Screaming.
Bodies.
Blaster fire.
Salty beads of cold sweat trickled over my lips.
My heart beat a bruising staccato.
Ap’lek, he’s rushing to me, yelling, “Platoon one, to Rey. Close ranks!”
Laser bolts flash left and right. Impossible to dodge. My lightsaber twirls, becomes a blur of shining blue armor.
The handle drops. I look down.
I’m... shot.
There’s a red dripping gash searing my bicep. Agony. Another gash opens on my ribs.
Ap’lek pushes me to the ground, his vibro-ax twirling around us both. Mud and ash chokes my breath. Puddles of crimson water ripple in the flashing lights.
Ap’lek calls for his brothers in arms, but Vicrul and Kuruk are too far. They can’t get to us in time.
The enemy swells- they’re too close, it’s too late, there’s too many. Fear. We’re going to die. Panic.
One scream is so much louder than the rest- It’s mine.
My voice, piercing all the noise. Drowning it all out.
Darkness rushes in. The daylight is snuffed.
Boom.
A deafening crack resounds, followed by blinding light.

 I can’t see anything. But I feel like I’m being burned alive. The noise. It’s so loud. I’m sure my eardrums will rupture. Everything hurts. So much pain. Please, anyone, make it stop!
“REY!” Another voice breaks my focus, pushing all of it all away.
I’m finally back in the present, being violently shook by my shoulders.
Bright. So bright. When did I close my eyes?
A dark form loomed on the edge of my vision. I tried to make my eyes focus.
Familiar features greeted me, wild pools of chocolate stared down at me. Unhinged. Pale. He looked unwell.
My heartbeat felt normal again, calm even. I let out a deep breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.
My hand came up, seemingly almost of its own accord, and my fingers grazed his cheekbone. “What’s wrong?” I asked softly. My voice sounded as hoarse as my throat felt.
He jerked away, his face turning to a snarl.
I tried to sit up, but my brain felt like it was swimming, and I waivered.
His hand clasped my bicep roughly, a little too tight for my liking.
“You’ve got some nerve asking me that.” He ground out.
My face contorted in confusion, not comprehending why he was angry.
“What the fuck were you thinking? You’ve never heard of a retreat?” He was scolding me. “It was too far gone. I... I couldn’t... I-”
“You what? You lost control? Like I warned you would happen? This is why you have to take your training seriously! You killed a dozen stormtroopers that were trying to guard you, and we’ve yet to hear if Ap’lek will join them in death.”
He’s the one who said death isn’t real. We’re all just part of the Force. Why does he even care? He’s just arrogant and prideful. He’s upset that he might’ve lost face.

 “I am taking it seriously! I did the best that I could. You’re being cruel and unfair!” I launched back.
The traitorous tears bubbling up only served to increase my frustration. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want him to see. I almost died and he had the nerve to yell at me like this!
“What did you do, Rey? I assume the same you did to Luke. What is it that’s causing such destruction? Why do you refuse to control it?” His voice was teeming with barely restrained anger, his eyes were blazing with fury and something else.
The emotions in the air were potent. It was difficult to sift through, and my brain already felt so murky and bruised.
“I don’t know! Stop badgering me!” My voice essentially devolved to a shriek by this point. The electricity in the air was real now. Like static all around us. All it would take...
As soon as I noticed it, my throat closed in on itself. It felt like my chest caved in. The terror was back in full force.
I collapsed into the bed, curling up into a sobbing heap as I desperately tried to will it away. No, no, no! Not him. Please. Not him. Go away. Go away. Go away!
A weight bearing down on the edge of the mattress broke my concentration.
“Rey. Will you let me see? So I can help you?”
He sat facing away from me, leaving a hand on the sheet near me. He slowly turned his palm up.
Fresh tears burned my cheeks, but not out of fear this time.
Even when whisked away by his emotions, love for me stood above it all.
It always took my breath away. The idea that I was important at all, to anyone. But especially that I was this man’s whole world. Somehow it made me feel awful, and amazing at the same moment.
Was I willing to let him in? To this part of me? Could he love this part of me?
The desperate desire to never let this power unintentionally hurt someone again won out. I trembled as I placed my small hand gently into his large palm.

 Warm, calloused fingers gently wrapped around it.
I closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind, relaxing my carefully built defenses.
Kylo’s POV
As I fell into Rey’s memory, it was different.
I had intruded in memories before, but not with a willing participant.
Usually, it was like watching a Holofilm on fast forward. Quick scenes and blips, emotional imprints. This was... something else entirely.
I was startled to realize I was Rey in this memory. In her body. With all her senses and feelings.
My initial thought was how disorienting it was to experience reality from what felt like a foot shorter point of view. The smell hit me next. A familiar smell. But it wasn’t familiar to her, and that was apparent.
Her body was tired, tense, and distant from the Force. Why?
She wasn’t focused on the battle as a whole, her field of vision was narrowed into her immediate surroundings. Immediate survival.
She felled enemies with her lightsaber in graceful movements, gliding around bodies in effortless motion. She didn’t see that though. Didn’t feel the ease.
Where was that confidence she always had? When she denied me, fought me? That ferocious strength, and unshakeable conviction?
Her heart was pounding furiously, it was loud in her ears. She was filled to the brim with fear and insecurity. Why?
“Let me in.” A voice similar to Rey’s said, inside her mind.
Who the fuck?
“I’ll help you. Just let go. I’ll take care of it.” The strange voice said.
There was someone in her head. But who? What did they want with her? Did this strange woman cause the destruction I knew was about to happen?

 Rey yelled out in frustration and desperation, her blade whining as it bit the flesh of her opponent. Its body yielded as if it were butter, a clean lob. The putrid scent intensified. Rey gagged.
As she tried to choke back the vomit and regain her bearings, her body jerked violently. She called out in shock and pain.
I feel the vagueness of a thought, Rey desperately wanting to cry for help. But no words escape her lips. Somehow, when she looks up, Ap’lek is already running to her. He’s abandoned his objective, and it’s clear his sole drive now is to reach her.
I was further confused to observe the odd sense of distress from his person as he charged the mass of bodies, tossing aside anyone in his path like a doll. His voice is booming among the din of the battle, urgently ordering troops to encircle her.
She’s looking down, seeing the jagged wound left from a blaster hit. The smell of her own burnt flesh makes my blood rise. Her saber is brought to bear again as an enemy reaches her. She’s trying to ignore the pain, but the strength in her blows is waning.
Suddenly, the feeling of a back pressing firmly against hers. She becomes aware of enemies all around. It’s Ap’lek fighting off those approaching her from behind. The troopers are making a desperate effort, but they’re failing quickly.
Ap’lek is calling for Vicrul and Kuruk. Rey’s searching for them. She can’t see Kuruk, he’s holed up somewhere picking enemies off from afar, that’s to be expected, but she’s not thinking rationally.
She locks in on the sight of Vicrul among the masses. He’s bellicose, as always. He’s rending bodies with more urgency though, he’s looking at her. He knows she needs him, and he’s doing all he can.
It’s unusual. They’re not emotionally driven, not the way Rey or I am. Anger and hate, maybe. But this level of concern is out of character. What’s going on here?
Her panic is rising, rising. She realizes Kuruk and Vicrul cannot save her, nor Ap’lek. This is it. Abruptly, she screams. It’s deafening.
The sunny, clear blue sky is instantaneously overridden with ravenous dark clouds consuming all light.
Rey doesn’t react to it, but she’s feeling this volatile concoction of utter terror and protectiveness around her. Strong arms double around her waist, pulling her into the armored chest of Ap’lek. She’s limp, and he’s crowding over her to shield her body.

 It’s as if a bulb popped. It’s black. Lightning suddenly streaks out in multiple branches all over the battlefield, the resounding thunder so loud I thought my ears might bleed. The white blinded her completely.
Burning. She feels like her body has been dumped in acid. It’s excruciating. Ap’lek is screaming, but so many people are screaming it doesn’t draw her attention. She can’t see. All she knows is that she can’t bear the pain ravaging every nerve of her existence.
She loses consciousness. The memory is over. I’m launched out of her mind into my own body again.
After taking a second to compose myself, I realized she was unconscious now as well. I needed some time to digest this. And I needed to talk to Ap’lek.