Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Heeseung, factually - objectively, even - is a very attractive person.

It's not strange at all to admire that, Jay thinks.

He sees it now as Heeseung freestyles. Even in front of a camera, he's effortless, movements fluid and exuberant, moving in a way Jay knows he has honed and perfected for the past 4 years.

4 years that Jay has been fighting by his side; that he's sweat, cried and cackled right there next to him.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with admiring an old friend, he thinks. 

But there is something different in the way he sees him now. A resilient, beautiful person - with a chiseled jaw, bright eyes, strong arms, and a fluffy mop of brown curls. 

God, Jay wants to kiss him.

-

"Jay-hyung! Jay-hyung?"

Sunoo chirrups at him and raps rhythmically at the bathroom door. Jay loves his dongsaeng, of course he does, but Sunoo honestly has no sense of privacy around him.

"Yeah?" Jay calls from the other side, slinging his damp towel around his shoulders. Practice was brutal today. He feels the burn in his calves from their new choreography, and winces as he bends to pick up his shirt from the floor. 

"Niki, Jake-hyung and I are gonna watch a movie or something! Do you wanna watch with us?"

He unlocks and opens the door, letting the steam from his shower flood out in clouds. Sunoo is flicking through the Netflix directory, clad in a big baggy hoodie. He's a cutie, shuffling back and forth in his slippers.

"Is it scary?" Jay shuts off the light and brushes past Sunoo to enter their joint dorm. 

"No! I mean, no, not if you wanna watch? We haven't actually decided on anything yet."

Sunoo follows him like a little puppy trailing at his heels. 

"Cool, then why isn't Sunghoon…" Jay trails off as he finds Sunghoon curled up on his bunk, soft hair falling into his face as he snoozes. "Ah. I see."

Sunghoon is elegant, angular and just overall pretty in a way Jay quietly thinks he could never pull off. He has unseen mental strength (and enviable core strength, but 10 years of ice skating will do that to you). His side-profile is to die for. Jay also thinks he's one of his best friends, but honestly, it feels like he's gained 6 new best friends in the past month.

"He's super tired. We did a V-Live today, too, with Heeseung-hyung. And the dance jam." Sunoo hums, "I'm tired too, but he wears himself out too much."

The whole dieting thing is a given when it comes to being an artist, but especially an idol. It's part and parcel of the whole deal - it's signing away your autonomy for your dreams. Jay wouldn't trade it for anything, obviously not, but there are the 'necessary' unpleasantries that come with it.

"At least we can all do it together," Jay murmurs. He leans over and brushes Sunghoon's bangs off his forehead. He feels cold. "We just have to get through it."

Jay pulls Sunghoon's blanket from around his ankles and tucks him in at the shoulders.

Sunghoon and Jay, Jay and Sunghoon - fighting tooth and nail for their dual I-LAND audition spots, to stay each week, for Jay to come back from the Ground as fiery as ever. The highs and lows, the quiet embraces between just the pair of them. The letter he'd pressed into Sunghoon's hands.

He tucks a strand of Sunghoon's hair behind his ear and leaves to the living room, Sunoo in tow.

-

"Sunoo-ya, Niki found a movie," Jake calls, where he's spread across their couch. He manages to take up the whole space. It's a 6 seater sofa. Jay is impressed. 

He's really filled out since a month ago, strangely, and Jay is envious of his ability to build muscle.

He doesn't even want to talk about Niki's height. It's a sensitive subject for all of them at the moment.

( "Hyung, you know it's not my fault, right?"

"Yeah, of course, Niki-ya. But, uh, I do need to know what they're feeding you to grow that much. It's.. It's for science." )

Niki jogs over and shows Sunoo his phone - it's some sort of British reality, romance, game show type ordeal. The conventionally attractive contestants are in skimpy clothes on a beach, and the trailer is packed full of bright neon colours that assault Jay's eyes.

"I thought you would like it," Niki hums, arm slung around Sunoo's shoulder.

"Aw, for me? Are you sure? This looks like a series to me."

Oh great, Jay thinks , even better.

They all end up curled up on the couch with some various 'healthy' snacks - vegetable chips, sliced fruits and nuts. The show is the kind of terrible that Jay can bear, because it's fucking ridiculous .

"Why would she choose him for the date?! What a homewrecker!" Sunoo scoffs at the TV from where he's wedged into Jay's side, legs stretched across Jake and Niki's lap where they are squished close to each other.

" Homewrecker ," Jay snorts, "The two of them have been a 'couple' for what, five minutes?"

"I think the bigger question is, why would she ever choose him to begin with?" Niki laughs and makes a vague gesture at the guy's bare chest. "Apart from his body, he's a meathead." 

Jake slaps at Niki's side as he laughs, "I'm sure she chose him for his personality!"

Jay cocks a brow. "What personality?"

The room erupts into laughter and Sunoo collapses into Jay's lap, swiveling around to make his head comfy on his thigh. Jay moves his hands down and smiles, absently playing with his soft hair, silky beneath his touch.

Heeseung and Jungwon push through the front door at that moment, both having stayed late ( 'Much too late, ' Jake had mumbled earlier) for extra vocal practice with the coaches.

"What's this?" Jungwon is hysterical as he points at the screen, folding in half like a card table. 

Jake laughs along with him and pauses to see the title. " Love Island , obviously, Jungwon-ah." Jake waggles his eyebrows at him. "Possibly the worst show on Netflix ."

"True trash TV." Jay quips, ruffling Sunoo's hair. Sunoo squawks in complaint and bats at his hand. 

"So... when are we watching Black Summer ?" Jungwon teases and Jay shakes his head as a reflex action.

"God, no, you can watch that without me."

"Not all zombie movies are that scary."

"Yeah, sure."

"Heeseung-hyung," Niki calls over his shoulder to his hyung, who's heating up the kettle in their open-plan kitchen. "How was your practice?"

"It went fine," Heeseung replies. It sounds weird.

Jay swivels around to look at him. He hesitates, before he says, "Is your throat okay?"

Heeseung stares back at him with his big, guilty doe eyes.

"I told you not to strain it!"

"It's not my fault," Heeseung scrapes out.

"Stop talking."

Jay slips out from underneath Sunoo and places a pillow underneath his head instead.

"Go shower and I'll make you that drink." Jay shakes his head and pats Heeseung on the arm. "The truth was all over your face."

Jay turns back to the stove where the kettle is boiling, and he turns up the temperature a little. He feels eyes on him and looks back to find Heeseung watching him.

"Thanks, Jay-ah," His voice is high and forced. Jay sighs and pulls him into a hug.

"It's okay."

Jay, contrary to popular belief, loves hugs. Sunoo grabs him for embraces and he hangs off of cute Jungwon all the time. 

Hugging Heeseung is different.

He can sense everything when he hugs Heeseung. His scent, woody and deep and pleasant. His gentle hands, the light brush of his hair against Jay's neck. The soft beat of his heart beneath his shirt. His breath on Jay's shoulder that privately makes his hair stand on end.

Jay could say that it's because Heeseung is his only hyung; that they've been friends for so long and it's comforting to be close to him.

He could say a lot of things. Jay knows they're excuses.

Heeseung plods off to shower and Jungwon bounds after him, hanging off his shoulder. The kettle squeals as Niki and Jake announce they're heading to bed.

"Okay," Jay calls as they stand, turning Netflix off, "Sunghoonie's sleeping, so be quiet. Goodnight."

Niki waves. It's cute.

"Jay-hyung," Sunoo hums from where he's sat on the couch, "Can you make me one, too?"

Jay laughs. "You don't even know what I'm making yet."

"I know," Sunoo complains, "But I'll like it."

He shakes his head. "I'll make you a small one."

"Thank youuuu!"

Jay picks a lemon from the fridge and chops it in half, before grinding it down onto their juicer. He swears that lemons weren't this strong the last time he made this.

( He thinks back to their trainee days, living together then but still feeling so far apart. Heeseung seemed so unattainable, even on a friendly basis, but they slowly came together after all. He thinks of them sipping at their drinks, under a blanket, on the pavement, outside the trainee facility.

"I'm going to make it one day, Jongseong," Heeseung had said as he stared up at the stars. Jay felt it then; the thud in his chest as he watched Heeseung's face. He could see then the constellations spread across his skin, the starlight spun in his dark gaze - wishes and promises he made shimmering in his irises. The galaxies he formed as he breathed out, warmth flooding into clouds in the bitter November air.

Heeseung uttered his given name like it was sacred - like he was scared to damage it with his unholy words. It sent chills down his spine with its power.

"Me too," Jay had whispered. It was overwhelming. His fingers had trembled around his mug as Heeseung looked at him. Oh, his eyes. Lee Heeseung looked at Jay like gave him the world.

And he would.

They'd sat there together, beneath the universe, and Jay's heart pounded as Heeseung leaned into him, heads resting together. The warmth between them was exhilarating. Jay's never felt anything like that since.

He's never preferred his name in anyone else's voice.)

He pours two cups of hot water into their mugs, stirring together the lemon juice and some honey he scoops from the jar. He pours the paste into the cups, more into the left than right, and leaves them to combine.

"It's just hot lemon and honey water," He says, and Sunoo makes an 'aaah' sound.

"Yummy! Give me some?"

Him and Sunoo swap the mug back and forth, sharing a blanket kept inside the sofa. Sunoo's weight leaning against his side is comfort. He feels like a big brother.

Being an only child has it perks, obviously, but having all these little brothers running around now is nice, to say the least.

"Jay-hyung," Sunoo hums, head on his shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"Sometimes I feel… weird. Different."

Jay blinks.

"Different how?"

Sunoo is quiet for a moment, fiddling nervously with his hands beneath their big blanket. Jay looks over at him, and runs a hand through his hair.

"I don't even know. I'm just different."

Jay nods.

He shifts and rests his head on Sunoo's, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He's smaller than most of the others, more petite, and it makes Jay want to wrap him up and keep him safe and warm.

"I get it."

They sit for a while, before Sunoo starts yawning. He retires to their bedroom, draping the blanket over Jay like a cape.

"Goodnight, Jay-hyung," He calls, gentle, before he closes the door.

-

Heeseung returns with damp hair, in his comfy clothes. Jay hears the bathroom door open and immediately goes to top up the hot water in his drink.

They sit together on the sofa, and Heeseung sips at his drink. He sighs contentedly and Jay feels warm inside when he smiles.

"It's like meeting an old friend again." 

His voice sounds a bit better. Jay figures the warm shower must've helped some too.

The TV is still turned on and it's playing a slideshow of candid photographs. An image of the Great Barrier Reef fades and it's replaced with a distant shot of sheep dotting the Swiss Alps like snow. Jay absently thinks of Jungwon.

"Does your throat feel any better?" 

"Yes, thanks. I think I just strained myself too hard."

"You never change."

Jay is hyper aware of the distance between them. Heeseung is stretched out in the corner, tapping his feet to a rhythm in the background of TikTok. Jay absently browses Twitter, refreshing but having no luck.

"Woah, look at that."

On the TV screen is a photo of the stars, the galaxy behind them blooming purple and blue, a luminous backdrop. They stretch above the silhouette of a mountain range, unattainable.

"This is just like back then," Heeseung laughs, and Jay's heart drops.

It really is.

Heeseung sits up and wraps his arms around his knees. He pats the empty space on the sofa next to him.

Jay shuffles up to him and Heeseung takes the blanket, wrapping it up around them both. Heeseung's arm brushes against Jay's own and warmth crawls up his neck. 

It feels exactly the same. The fast skip of his heart, the trembling in his hands, the abolition of any thought other than his old friend right beside him. 

"We made it," Heeseung breathes. Jay imagines what the crystallisation of his breaths would look like as they hit the air.

Jay looks at him, really looks, for the first time in years. He watches the crinkle next to Heeseung's eyes as he smiles softly, like this moment is all he'll ever need. He thinks about how long he's pushed down this feeling for; the feeling of something blossoming in his chest - something suffocating and undeniable.

Heeseung looks right back at him. They're close, and Jay feels his breath hit his lips. His face flushes despite himself. 

Heeseung turns back, watching the stars on the screen, just like when they were younger. "We did it, Jongseong."

That sound sends Jay spiralling. That age-old sound of his real name on Heeseung's lips, even despite his sore throat. Even though he could just call him Jay. Even though.

Jay leans into him, and the touch between their sides is electrifying.

Jay always thought this saddling feeling was a puberty thing. He's starting to think, just maybe, it's a Lee Heeseung thing.

Chapter Text

"Jay-hyung, their V-Live is on!"

Jay is currently sweating bullets in their practice room. Their new choreo is intense, and the race is really on to memorise it, especially with the regular check-ins. The pressure mounting is exactly why Jay is working so diligently on it.

But when Jungwon calls him to watch his hyungs - and Niki - on V-Live, he just shakes his head and collapses against the wall next to him.

"That dance break is-"

"Jay-hyung, shh!"

"Alright, okay, sorry!"

Jake, Sunoo, Niki and Heeseung had been at vocal practice just before, and luckily, it seems like Heeseung's voice has made a quick rebound. He carefully explains what they'll be doing for the hour, squinting subtly as he leans forwards to watch the numbers tick up.

Sunghoon pushes through the doors with his shoulder, arms full with their water bottles. Jay sees him smile at Jungwon's concentrated face. 

"Here you go," He sets down their water and slumps down next to Jungwon. He chuckles, "Sorry to ruin your immersion."

Jay bumps his and Jungwon's legs together, and Jungwon absently links their hands together, squeezing gently.

"Woah, Jake-hyung is handsome," Jungwon mumbles, typing out a message along the lines of 'Jake is so hot!' from one of their 'ghost' accounts. Delayed by about 5 seconds, Jake points out something to Niki on screen, who snickers behind his hands.

"He saw it!"

They laugh along as Jake shakes his head, pushes aside the tablet and starts to write out his photocard signature.

Heeseung is concentrated, sticking down the decorations onto his with delicate precision. Jay feels like Heeseung can do anything he turns his hand to, just by trying it. He's yet to find something Heeseung can't do with all the bells and whistles included.

The V-Live ends after each member gives a virtual signing to fans, and a hug. Heeseung's just makes him think of two nights ago, when they sat close and drank honey and lemon from the same mug, reminiscing fondly on days past. When they shared a blanket. When they were so close Jay could barely breathe.

He squeezes Jungwon's hand by accident. Jungwon doesn't notice. He's invested in reading the comments as they spill in.

"So much English," He murmurs as he scrolls.

"Do you want me to read some?"

Jungwon nods, bouncing their linked hands up and down on Jay's leg.

-

Practice ends for the three of them and they return to their dorm for a break. Jay is making ramyeon for three (by the demands of Heeseung and Jake via groupchat, and his stomach via his body) when Sunghoon sidles up next to him.

"Are you feeling okay?" He murmurs, wrapping an arm around his shoulder fondly. Jay leans into him and tries not to think about the question. "You've seemed spaced out for the last few days, you know. I just didn't want to say anything and be rude."

"I'm fine, Sunghoonie," He mumbles, watching the broth as it bubbles. Sunghoon looks concerned when he turns to look at him directly. "Really, I'm fine. Just under pressure for debut, and just about everything else."

"Me too," Sunghoon squeezes Jay in for a hug. Jay relaxes into him, trying hard to relieve the stubborn tension in his shoulders. "We all are. We're here for you, you know. Always."

"Thanks," He turns back to the ramyeon reluctantly. Sunghoon is so warm, all the time, somehow. Jay thinks it's his everyday superpower. "Are you sure you don't want any?"

Sunghoon shakes his head. "I'll be fine."

Sunghoon migrates to the sofa with a glass of pomegranate juice instead. 

"Hey, Sunghoonie."

"Hm?"

"If I had an everyday superpower, what would it be?"

Sunghoon takes a moment to think.

"Your everyday superpower is that everyday, you manage to make me laugh at you."

"Hey!"

Sunghoon cackles as he dodges a sponge that Jay throws at him from the sink.

( Later that evening, on his night jog, Jay gets a random text.

hoonie🐧: somehow, you make me feel safe, all the time )

-

Heeseung isn't good at Just Dance. The revelation makes Jay sob .

He watches Niki, Jungwon, Jake and Heeseung flail in front of the TV with varying levels of success.

"My controller just isn't working properly," Heeseung whines and Jungwon and Niki are trying their absolute best not to cry laughing at him.

"I'm gonna explode," Niki heaves, red in the face with laughter, but still managing to keep his lead as they dance to Hit Me Baby One More Time: Extreme Sweat Edition.

"Put your back into it, Heeseung-hyung!" Sunghoon calls jestingly from the sofa. Heeseung makes a sound like a dying animal.

"I'm doing it!" He wails, but he laughs along too as Jake hits his golden move twice in a row, snatching the lead from Niki. 

"Jake-hyung! Give it back!"

Jay throws back his head cackling. Jake shouts in English when he wins, jumping about 8 feet and crashing into Jay for a celebratory hug, "Now that's what I'm talking about!"

-

Jay is planning his outfits out in their 'makeup room ' (officially dubbed by Sunoo; unsurprisingly, he also uses it the most) when Jake wanders in, presumably to do his skincare.

"Jake," He calls. "Have I worn this outfit before? Like, on Twitter?"

He holds a chequered green blazer and black slacks up to his body. 

Jake squints. "I don't think you've worn the blazer. Maybe put it with a chain? And a body harness-choker style thing? That'd be legendary."

"Genius comes in all shapes and sizes," Jay monologues dramatically, "But especially shaped like you."

Jake nods in exaggerated agreement as Jay digs through his jewellery box that's sitting below his clothes rail.

A quiet, comfortable silence settles between them. Jay absently listens to Stormzy through 1 earbud.

"Hey," Jake says as he smooths his cleanser over his skin.

"Hm?"

"Do you miss your family?"

Jay pauses and shifts onto his knees. He takes out his earbud and carefully considers his response.

"I mean," He thinks, "Yes. Obviously."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. But my dad moves around a lot for work, anyways. I think I miss my mom more. Ah, even though that sounds mean."

"That makes sense," Jake nods. "I.. I miss Layla really bad."

Jay stands, turns and looks back at him in the mirror.

"I came here on my own, expecting the worst to happen, and now I'm here with you guys, and-" His voice sounds choked up. "It's a lot. I don't want you guys, or, or Engenes, or anyone to worry. Especially not my mom."

Jay approaches and puts his hands on his shoulders without turning him around. Jake looks up at him with his puppy eyes in the reflection.

"It must have been really hard on you," He comforts, "Just coming here on a whim, and suddenly having all this happen. But you deserve this. You're talented."

Jay leans forward to lean his head on Jake's, laying his arms over his chest, just like he does with Jungwon. Jake laughs despite his glassy gaze.

"I just miss.. home, man, you know? The smell! My mom's food.. coming home and knowing.. knowing that my family would be there."

"It's okay. You don't have to be strong all the time." Jay mumbles. "You've come so far, dude. It's okay. Everyone gets it. You know, the real strong people aren't afraid to show their emotions."

Jay pauses, and continues gently, "I hope we can be your home one day, too."

Jake nods in the mirror. 

"Thanks. You know, I want to be dependable.. like a big brother to people. Like.. like you."

Jay's brain implodes.

"Y-You can't just say stuff like that!" He squawks, blushing. He can't decide if he's embarrassed or flattered or both.

Jake laughs at him as he passes to rinse off his cleanser. 

"Too bad." He sticks his tongue out at Jay. Jay in turn, chases him down the hallway into the bathroom, both of them screaming all the way.

-

Jay exhales as he steps back, gazing proudly at his organised clothes rail - equipped with accessories - for the next week.

He doesn't know why, but it brings him a little joy every Saturday to know that he can figure out what kind of styles to try for the next week.

Especially considering the amount of new clothes that the company is shipping their way via sponsors. It's kind of ridiculous at times. They're lucky to have so much storage.

( He thinks of Niki's $150 necklace that the company gave him with no questions asked, and grimaces. How much ramyeon is that thing worth? )

He breathes out a sigh.

Unlocking his phone, password coded 1015, Jay writes out a TMI for Engenes. He thinks carefully, planning out 4 separate tweets explaining a little to the tune of his love for fashion and design. It's not a lie. He thinks, sometimes, his love for fashion could outweigh music.

The comments and love pour in. Someone (that's not him) likes his post from the @ENHYPEN_members account immediately. His heart warms and he moves to his ghost account, reading tweets that flood in about a future clothing line, 'Made by Jay'; about how it would likely render Engenes bankrupt. He snickers.

He thinks about 'Made by Jay' - how stoked Heeseung was when they ripped up that pink hoodie, and smiles fondly.

Jay pauses for a minute and has a thought. He freezes despite himself.

He listens for any movement in the house before he goes into his Notes app. Inside it, the contents of his brain - clothing ideas, tiny sketches for when he's waiting during shoots, lyric musings, and shopping lists.

He opens a new one and starts to type. He titles it 'Christmas Gift Ideas' and moves it so it seems inconspicuous among the others.

'Lee Heeseung

Eyes rich like the earth, carving

into me. Growing, each and every day,

sprouting in my chest, flourishing,

blossoming. Painting my

cheeks crimson sun. You will be the death

of me, fatal flower'

Jay barely reads it once and closes the entire app.

He's really starting to get this weird feeling that he's totally, completely fucked.

-

Jay goes to bed early. 

Everyone is playing Mario Kart when he lets them know.

"Practice drained me today, so I'm gonna get an early night. Don't kill each other over this. For me?" 

They all call a chorus of 'okay, goodnight' s. Predictably, as soon as he turns around, he can hear Sunoo and Sunghoon bickering.

("What, first you tell me you hate my hairstyling and now you blue-shell me? Real rich, hyung! Try me again, I dare you!"

"I didn't even know you were in first. You barely ever are in this, especially Rainbow Road."

"Jungwon. Shell him. Now!")

-

He wanders into the dorms and crawls under his blankets like a hermit, trying not to think about the secret, shabby attempt of a poem in his phone. 

It's more inconvenient than anything. Jay had never put any labels on himself and he never intends to. But this… it's a lot. Especially with their team dynamic. Maybe if they didn't have to eat, sleep, and breathe in the same place it wouldn't be so unbearable. He feels sort of weird for even hiding it from everyone.

The door clicks open and light floods in. It's Jungwon's silhouette.

"Hyung," He hums, "Can I sleep with you tonight?"

And that's how he ends up with Yang Jungwon curled up beside him, face buried in his chest.

"You don't change," Jay snickers. "In I-LAND, I could've sworn you made a point of never sleeping in your own bed."

Jungwon laughs evilly. 

"Obviously. To be honest, I just wanted to see how many people would let me. Seems like you still do, hyung." Jay can hear the self-satisfied grin on his face. He shakes his head.

"Maybe I'll revoke your privileges, Sheep Garden ," He teases, and squeezes Jungwon's cheek. 

"No, you won't."

"Why not?

"I'm too cute."

Jay can't disagree with that.

Jungwon falls asleep quickly, a pleasant weight against his side as he dozes.

He hears muffled voices outside the door.

"I can ask Jay-hyung if he wants any if he's awake, gimme a sec."

The door opens and Jay feigns sleep. He hears the footsteps and recognises them as Sunoo and either Niki or Heeseung.

Sunoo gasps quietly. " Look , hyung. Too cute."

Heeseung is silent, before he says gently, "Definitely."

It makes Jay's heart skip. It also skips when he hears the click of an iPhone camera.

"C'mon," Heeseung prompts and they leave as quickly as they came.

Jay tries not to think too much about whether he meant Jungwon, Jay, or both of them were cute.

He lays an arm over Jungwon's side as he drifts off.

-

Jay dreams of flowers. Fields and fields of them. Acacia flower trees in bloom. Pink camellias, daffodils, gardenias, all blossoming together, basking in the sun. And nearest to his feet, primroses; hundreds of them, swallowing him whole.

Jay wakes up in a sweat, without Jungwon by his side.

He looks over to find him sleeping peacefully in his own bed, a soft streak of orange sunrise cast over his face.

-

Jay walks sluggishly to the kitchen. He pushes his spectacles up to aid his blurry vision. The tiles are always so cold in the mornings, even if it's warm in the bedroom. He hears a pan frying, and curiously peeks around the kitchen door, privately salivating.

It's Heeseung. He's making eggs.

Jay swallows heavily. He's wearing that long tie-dye t-shirt he wore the day of the auditions. It reaches down to his mid-thigh. He swings to the music he's playing in the background, some R&B song Jay can't pin down.

He turns around as Jay clears his throat.

"Jay-ah," He exclaims gently, rubbing at his eye with his free hand. The same orange light slants across his body. His bed-head wrecks Jay. "Do you.. want eggs?"

A simple question seems like so much when your heart is beating so fast.

"Please," He says. "Scrambled?"

Heeseung looks at him for a long moment. It feels intimately too long, despite the distance between them. Jay swears he sees his eyes look him up and down.

"Yes, sir," Heeseung does a mock salute and turns back around, giggling sleepily to himself.

Jay wanders back to his bed and screams into his pillow.

This boy will be the death of him.

Chapter Text

Jay's intention - his real, honest intention - was to delete that stupid poem.

He thinks of it long after writing it. He thinks about how it sits guiltily in his phone, labelled wrong purposely, laying dormant among his daily tasks. Tasks like adding Jake's song suggestions to his playlist, and his ranking of favourite fruit juices, not like a … like a confession .

Jay wonders when this infatuation evolved from admiration into yearning. He wonders if there was ever any difference in the two at all.

-

Jungwon is their leader.

It's sort of hard to wrap his head around, but in all honesty, it makes sense. He never gets overly emotional about anything - he never lets it rule him in the same way the others do.

Jay thinks he just doesn't want to stop babying him, and laying his head on Jungwon's, like a kid. They really do grow up fast.

He thinks it as Jungwon's assigning household tasks, watching as he methodically lists what needs doing, sorts it into a randomiser in his phone, and dishes out the duties.

Jay gets the bedroom, because of course he does.

("How come I always get the biggest room?"

"Jay-hyung, my randomiser believes in fate, you know."

"...What's that supposed to mean?!")

He grumbles as he makes his third bed of the day. He thinks, as he tucks a duvet into the space between the bed and the wall, that he should tell Jungwon that he believes in karma .

He moves onto Heeseung's bed and pulls at the duvet when he hears a crinkling sound. He grimaces instantly. Who eats in bed and leaves the trash there? 

He gingerly lifts the sheets, expecting crumbs, only to find scraps of lined paper torn from a notebook. Heeseung's lovable scrawl is spread sparsely across the pages. Jay holds the page fragments in his hands like treasures.

' Blue

The deep --- dark

--- navy night

The fiercest flush of

----- delight.

The twilight cast

Upon ---- face

That downcast hue;

--- saving grace '

Haphazard lines are struck through the words. Jay runs a finger along them - their indents that strike deep into the page - and strains to read what they might've said.

He feels like he's intruding on something as he reads, because he probably is. His heart feels heavy when he glances at the other page.

' Horizon

Looking ---. Golden, forwards.

Cowardice ------; hands; eyes;

Jeopardy; the torn monstrance. You're

everywhere now. Crystal core

-------. Shattered -- the floor '

He feels movement in the house.

"Hyung," Niki calls, "Do you need help with the beds?"

Jay looks over as Niki strolls in, floppy hair bouncing as he does. Niki glances down to the scraps of paper in his hands.

"What are those?"

Jay pauses. "Not mine," He mumbles, and tucks them carefully under Heeseung's pillow. "Help would be great."

Niki claps him on the back and climbs up to fix Jake's bed.

("Hey, beanpole. Make your own bed while you're at it, huh?"

"Eh."

"Or at least Sunoo's?"

" Eh ."

Jay laughs, ruffling his hair gently. "Are you helping me or not?!")

-

Jay's intention was to delete it. He just wanted to wallow for a bit. There's nothing quite like feeling sorry for yourself, he admits it.

Plus, after seeing Heeseung's words, he feels sort of lonely. Isolated . The extravagant way he carves his vocabulary is different. Jay inwardly longs to be appreciated that way - like he's art.

The next afternoon, they come back to the dorms for a break from dance before recording, and Jay leaves to shower. He gets out, steam fogging his phone screen, and flicks through his phone to delete the poem.

He sees it, labelled wrong like he left it, but at the top of his notes app - not where he left it. 

His heart drops. His hand flies to his mouth.

Last edited, today at 11.56am. He checks the current time - 2.33pm. 

He clicks into it. 

Nothing has changed, spare for a tiny mango emoji inserted into the bottom of the note.

' 🥭 ' 

-

Predictably, Yang Jungwon is absolutely nowhere to be found when Jay needs him.

"Niki-ya, have you seen Jungwonie?"

Niki looks up from where he's flicking through his phone, absently fiddling with Sunoo's hands to his left.

"No? He said he was going somewhere with Heeseung-hyung, I think."

Sunoo nods along. "They went outside somewhere. Their jogging, maybe?"

Jay feels nauseous. "Okay, thanks."

He turns around to leave but Niki reaches and grabs his wrist.

"Hey, hyung," Niki murmurs. His eyes tremble strangely. "...do you need to talk?"

-

"It was me," Niki blurts, pushing his back against the bedroom door as he closes it. "I read it."

Jay's head nearly explodes. "Huh?"

"Your words. Your poem, hyung. It was me ."

He thinks about the mango and his brow furrows. His brain short-circuits. " Huh ?"

"I thought you might ask me where Wonie was when you saw it," Niki flushes, "And I was kinda chickenshit, and I already edited it by accident, so I needed to put something-"

"How did you even get into my phone?"

Niki gives him a long, pointed look.

"Hyung. 1015 . I memorised all of them, you know."

"But it was titled Christmas presents -"

"-I was curious! I didn't want to find it either, you know. Your phone was already open to Notes. I just… looked! "

"Niki!"

"I'm sorry ! Y-You read Heeseung-hyung's poems, too!"

"By mistake! Wait, how did you know they were poems?"

Niki pauses and his lip trembles. He looks so small here, even though he's a little taller than Jay now.

"I'm.. I'm sorry, hyung." Niki warbles. "I didn't mean to. I really didn't." He hiccups, before he whispers, " Please don't be mad. "

Jay sighs, pulse slowing, and reaches to clear the space between them. His heart softens at Niki's red face and the crystalline tears streaking down it.

Jay pulls him into a soft hug.

"It's okay." He rubs his back gently. Niki sobs into his shoulder. "It's okay, Nik, it's fine. I'm not mad, okay?"

Niki sinks down to his knees and Jay cradles him on the floor for a while.

He soothes him, and laughs gently. "I'm kind of glad you know, though. It's lonely thinking about it all the time."

Niki looks up at him, teary eyes wide. "I'm glad too, hyung."

(When Niki calms down, he plays with Jay's hands.

"I read other things in your app too, if that makes it better. Grapefruit juice sucks , though, hyung. I can't believe you rate it higher than tomato."

"It's… an acquired taste, Niki-ya. You'll learn to appreciate it."

"How do you always manage to speak like my dad?")

-

Niki is like his sidekick-wingman-dongsaeng now. It's stupid cute. It's also somewhat inconvenient.

"So, when are you going to make a move?"

Jay nearly spits his drink out as he takes a sip. They're cooking jjamppong as per Heeseung's earnest request. He wrote a whole tweet about it. 

Niki adds the soy sauce, rice wine and stock to the pot before covering it. He's a cute sous chef, too.

Jay shrugs. "Why do you think I'm gonna make a move?"

Niki stares at him like he's the dumbest person on the planet. 

"I can't believe you just said that."

"What?"

"After all we've been through, hyung, and you're too chicken to even say anything to him." Niki teasingly shakes his head. "I was wrong about you, clearly."

"Niki-ya," Jay starts, filling up the sink with hot soapy water, plopping in the chopping board and used utensils, "I've never dated anyone in my life."

"So?"

" So , what makes you think I'm gonna start with my best friend?"

"What are you starting with me?"

Heeseung saunters in, a towel slung around his neck. He runs his fingers through his wet hair. Jay tries not to let his jaw drop.

"Jay-hyung said he won't let me help him cook," Niki whines, "And I asked if he would let you ."

Jay looks over at him quickly. He makes a mental note that Niki is an incredible liar.

"Jay, stop being mean." Heeseung mock-scolds, reaching over the counter to ruffle Jay's hair playfully. "Oh my god, that smells amazing. Did you really make me jjamppong?"

Niki wanders out of their way and back into the living room. He snickers, and says, "He saw your tweet and started right away, hyung."

-

Jay serves the soup between the two of them, spooning 3 big ladles full of vegetables, seafood and noodles into Heeseung's bowl.

"Be grateful," Jay reminds him as he fills his own bowl, before sitting back in his chair, "Jake just wanted me to make tteokbokki."

"That's good too," Heeseung hums. He knocks their knees together under the table. "Thank you, Jay-hyung ."

Jay snorts and shakes his head, ducking down both to hide his face and start his soup. Heeseung laughs along, looking over at Jay with his shiny eyes and his bright, cheeky grin.

-

"I swear, your cooking gets better every day."

"Flattery gets you nowhere, Lee Heeseung."

Heeseung helps to wash up their bowls and the big soup pot. Jay dries the dishes that are already on the rack to make room. Jay nods his head to a beat playing from his phone, moving a stack of plates into the cupboard.

"Jay."

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for making me food."

Jay laughs. "It's fine, hyung. Don't worry about it."

A beat of silence stretches before his reply.

"To be honest, I was kind of worried. I.. kind of thought you'd been avoiding me."

Jay's head snaps over to look at him.

"Really?"

"I mean," Heeseung scratches the back of his neck, sheepish. "I get we're all busy and stuff, obviously. I think I just... wondered if I'd done something wrong?"

"No," Jay breathes. He grabs at Heeseung's wrist without thinking about it. "No, you didn't."

He steps closer, hesitantly, and Heeseung looks over at him. "You could never."

Jay's heartbeat roars in his ears. He feels Heeseung's quick pulse thrum under his fingertips. They're so close. Jay can see the tiny dustings of freckles that are scattered like seeds across his nose, beside his eyes, along his jaw. The gentle slope of lilac bags beneath his eyes. His perfect imperfections.

Jay could kiss him. God , he wants to kiss him.

"I," Heeseung starts. Jay's eyes flick down (and back up) as his Adam's apple bobs. "I'm glad, Jay-ah."

Friends shouldn't be this close. Friends don't want to run their fingertips beneath each other's eyes. Friends don't want to be this close to each other, all the time. 

Friends don't want to kiss each other.

Heeseung's phone rings. He flinches, long, doe lashes fluttering. 

Jay lets go of his wrist, fingers tingling where their skin met.

"Sorry," Heeseung mumbles quietly. Jay sees the hot red that blooms high on his cheeks before he turns around, "It's the sound director."

-

Jay finishes the washing up and promptly sinks down to the kitchen floor. He dies of second hand embarrassment. The moments keep flashing in his head; Heeseung's heart beating a little too fast, Heeseung swallowing nervously, the ferocity of the flush on his face as he left for the studio. 

Sunoo and Jungwon lean over the kitchen counter.

"Hyung?" Sunoo chirrups.

Jay looks up.

"Hi," He says wearily.

Sunoo quickly fills him in - Heeseung, Niki and Jake have been called to re-record some of their harmonies because of the files corrupting in the studio.

("How does that even happen nowadays?"

"Don't ask me, Wonie."

"Right? Like, just save it twice?"

"Yeah. Like, have you tried turning it off and back on again?")

Jungwon pulls him over to the sofa just to be able to lean against him. Jay is kind of flattered.

Sunghoon wanders in with his trash from a fruit cup and joins them. Sunoo pats the seat next to him, and puts on a space documentary from Netflix as the sun begins to sink. Sunghoon complies and they curl together.

Sunoo falls asleep within about 10 minutes. Sunghoon playfully teases about it, and then, in proper Park Sunghoon fashion, dozes off about 5 minutes later. The narrator is talking about Halley's comet when Jungwon pokes him from his lap.

"Hm?"

"Jay-hyung," Jungwon starts, "Are you and Heeseung okay?"

Jay blinks and his mind instantly races. "What do you mean?"

If Jungwon's trying to keep his expression from changing, it's working. He fiddles with the hem of Jay's shirt instead. "It's just… When we go on our jogs and stuff, he always seems distracted, you know? He gets this weird look on his face. He thought you were avoiding him, at first."

Jay's voice is weak when he whispers, "I really, really wasn't."

Jungwon blinks up at him slowly, like he suddenly gets it. "I know you weren't."

They refocus. Halley's comet only orbits every 75 years. Mark Twain was born on the year of the first orbit and died on the year of the next. It'll next appear in 2061.

"I trust you, Jay-hyung." Jungwon whispers into the dark.

"I trust you too, Jungone." Jay threads his hands into Jungwon's hair.

They settle again until Sunoo starts gently snoring, face smushed against Sunghoon's shoulder.

"Seems like cat and mouse can get along sometimes," Jay snickers. Jungwon giggles along, swatting at his chest.

"Seems like it."

Chapter Text

Flicker comes with some mixed memories for Jay. 

He thinks of the vile bitterness he felt when Heeseung neglected to pick him originally, in I-LAND - the hurt and anger that consumed him. I thought we were friends? And then, the understanding and competitiveness flooded in; he got to lead his group, to assign parts, all without being in anyone's shadow.

Seeing himself in the red suit now is bewildering, to say the least.

"Time to turn off my cute mode," Sunoo monologues, messing with his hair in the mirror, "It's time for intense mode!"

It's strange to see him in such a chic outfit, but Jay thinks it suits him nicely. 

The Dive Into You group's outfits have been delivered, but with 7 fashion-obsessed boys, the production team are crazy to expect them to wait the 2 measly days until the shoot. He notices that Sunoo's lapel is crooked in the mirror, and he turns and reaches out to straighten it.

"Woah, Jay-hyung," His mouth gapes. "You look so handsome!"

Jay wasn't sure if the stylist went a bit too hard on his suit. His shirt is instructed to have the top two buttons left undone. It's paired with a maroon suit jacket, slacks, and a dainty gold necklace.

"I was wondering if it was too much," Jay admits.

"No, no, they'll love it. Super sexy!"

Him and Sunoo emerge from the bedroom and into the living area. Sunghoon, Jake and Heeseung are taking a selfie and then examine it on Jake's phone.

"How do we look?" Sunoo chirps, spinning with a flourish.

"You look great, guys!" Jungwon gasps as he wanders in. "Sorry, I was helping Niki with his cufflinks."

"Jay! Jeez, dude, you're too good-looking," Jake fawns, jumping up from his seat. He moves forward to examine Jay's necklace. Sunghoon elbows Heeseung.

Niki walks in and Jay thinks he looks like a star. He's tall and handsome, hair mussed perfectly even without a hairdresser's touch. A gold chain dangles at his hip.

"Look what they gave me," Niki grins. He opens his jacket and there's a pocket watch inside; shiny, golden and studded with red gems.

The room erupts into noise.

"I want one!" Sunoo whines, and he rushes over to grab it from Niki's hand, examining it carefully.

"Heeseungie-hyung," Niki calls, a little smug, "Doesn't Jay-hyung look handsome?"

Jay's face burns. Niki's a schemer. His eyes flick over and Heeseung's still looking at him, admittedly a little wide-eyed.

"..Definitely," Heeseung nods. He pauses, and then says, "We'll look really good, standing side-by-side."

"So sexy! We're gonna look amazing," Jake is examining the gold thread meticulously stitched in Sunoo's suit. 

Jay's glad the attention shifts from him, because the idea that Heeseung thinks he's any sort of good-looking is all he can think about.

-

"Jay-hyung?"

"Yeah?"

"How did you know you liked boys?"

"Niki-ya!"

Jay balks and looks around frantically; the dance room is empty save for the two of them. 

"It's okay, the others went home already, remember? Sunoo-hyungie's gone to get a drink."

Jay relaxes instantly. He doesn't really know how to answer him properly. He wipes the sweat off the back of his neck and grimaces. 

Extra Flicker practice is just what he needed to top off an exhausting day of recording, exercising, and manoeuvring himself not to be around Heeseung alone. 

He knows that he shouldn't be doing it, but yesterday was a lot . A flashfire of memories spring to mind - the lavender-vanilla of Heeseung's new perfume, his tired eyes, the gentle flick of his eyelashes.

It's not personal, and it's not like Heeseung's done something wrong. Jay just doesn't want to confront him about, well, anything yet. He thinks he'd lose it.

So, he's been carefully leaving rooms, avoiding eye contact, practicing for longer but not with anyone else. It's nothing personal .

"I don't like boys," Jay states.

"Huh?" Niki looks at him in the mirror. He pulls down his mask from his face. "I thought you liked…"

"I like Heeseung ." Jay looks down at his feet. He realises, belatedly, it's the first time he's ever said it out loud. "..I've never liked anyone else."

"Never?"

"Never."

"What about on the TV?"

"That's not the same." 

Niki blinks at him. "Then how do you know that you don't just really admire him?"

"Because I want to kiss him," Jay blurts. "On the mouth."

Niki snickers. "Huh."

"Are you making fun of me?"

"No, no," Niki laughs. "It's just a funny thought."

"Hey, you are!" Jay yells, but he's not really mad. Niki knows that and laughs harder. He clears the space between them and grabs him in a headlock. "You brat ."

Niki collapses in a fit of giggles. "Your face would look so funny- "

Jay laughs, "Stop! I'm human too!"

( The two just lay down on the floor afterwards. Today's been exhausting. Niki is still laughing to himself but Jay doesn't hold it against him.

Sunoo walks in on them and joins them excitedly in a heap on the floor. "Hey, let me join in, too!" )

-

Heeseung is crying.

Jay knows, because he's stood outside the living room, back pressed against the wall as not to alert anyone. He just wants to play some relaxing, evening Pokémon , maybe some Super Mario Galaxy . He wasn't anticipating this in any sense of the word.

"I just," Heeseung breathes hard. He sniffs in between his words. "I don't even know what I've done wrong ."

He hears another voice; Jungwon. 

"You haven't done anything," He soothes. "Come here. You're very strong, Heeseungie."

"I feel stupid ," He sobs. It's muffled against Jungwon's body. "It feels so wrong. I hate being like this."

"There's nothing wrong with you, hyung." Sunghoon's voice appears, suddenly, and Jay's heart drops sharply. "You're perfect just how you are."

There's a loaded silence that hangs, suffocatingly, in the air.

"I just wish," Heeseung cries, voice cracking, " I wish I was normal ."

Sunghoon sniffles quietly. The sound of the sofa shifts and Jay can only guess he joins in the hug. Something in his chest twists violently. 

"No," Jungwon asserts. "You wouldn't be you . You wouldn't. We love you for all parts of you."

Jay's eyes sting. He goes back to his room, pain pulsing in his chest.

-

Sunghoon blatantly ignores him the next morning. He doesn't bother to acknowledge him, talk to him or include him in conversation.

Jay goes to ask if he wants anything from the store, and he straight-up leaves the room.

Jungwon pipes up and says he'll walk with him. A sinking feeling hits Jay in the chest like a lead pipe.

It's grey out when they leave, dark clouds rolling slow over the hills, threatening to break the sky open at any moment. The store isn't far - Jay only plans to pick up some extra rice cakes, milk and sugar. 

"You are avoiding him," Jungwon breathes, accusatory.

Jay's breath catches. "Listen-"

"No," Jungwon is curt. He admonishes him, "I even asked you if you were, you said no, and then you carried on anyways? He's a human being, Jay-hyung. He has feelings too."

"I know," Jay mumbles. "I know , it's just scary , Jungwon-ah."

Jungwon stares at him with a kind of fiery conviction Jay hasn't seen before. "What is?"

Jay swallows.

"It's nothing." He speeds up his walk.

"It clearly is something!" 

Jungwon grabs his wrist and Jay stops in his tracks.

"Tell me," Jungwon insists, "Please, Jay-hyung, help me understand ."

"I've loved him for 4 years," He chokes on his words.

"What?"

Jay looks back at him petulantly.

"I love him, Wonie," His lip wobbles. "I.. I think I have for years."

Jungwon just stands there, vice-grip on Jay's wrist trembling despite his steely demeanor.

"You're so stupid, Jay-hyung," He whispers. "You're both so stupid."

Jungwon shakes his head and pulls him in, hugging him tight. Jay quivers in his arms.

"You both need to talk about it."

Jay's eyes prickle with the bite of the wind. 

"I can't." He hiccups.

"You have to," Jungwon clutches at him. "Hyung, I love you, but you have to. For yourself, and for the others. This affects everyone."

They stand there for a while and Jungwon's squeeze on him doesn't loosen. He feels like a kid. 

"It hurts," Jay whimpers. "This hurts so much, Wonie."

"I know," He cards his hand through Jay's hair. "But you need to rip off the band-aid eventually."

-

Sunghoon comes and sits on Jay's bed that evening, after dinner. He perches cross-legged next to Jay, and doesn't look at him.

"You really hurt him, you know."

"I know."

Sunghoon punches him in the arm, hard. Jay squawks and covers it immediately. 

"Hey! That hurt!"

"You need to apologise. He was really upset."

"Jungwon told me. I feel really bad already."

"As you should," Sunghoon pauses, but he reaches out to place his hand palm-up on Jay's leg. He sighs, "I know you didn't mean to."

Jay links their hands together gently. So many loud thoughts rush through his head - like people on a crowded street, or a bullet train. Noise clutters his brain. 'You need to rip off the band-aid eventually' .

Sunghoon squeezes his hand and it grounds him.

"When are you telling him?"

Jay looks over, exhausted already. "Did Jungwon tell you?"

He shakes his head and smiles. "No. You're just obvious."

Jay leans against Sunghoon's side. He doesn't know why he thought it wasn't clear to anyone else, but especially to Sunghoon.

"You called him your turning point," Sunghoon murmurs. "..I think that's when I knew for sure."

Lee Heeseung - an all-around ace idol, international superstar, and Park Jongseong's turning point. 

"I don't even know what to say to him," Jay confesses. "Or where to start."

Sunghoon brushes his thumb over Jay's hand. "Just be honest. You owe him that much, at least."

The long silence between them is comfortable. It contrasts vividly to this morning. Sunghoon rests his head on Jay's. 

"I can't believe you ignored me so hard, Sunghoonie. You've never done that to me before."

Sunghoon snickers. "It was deserved."

"Well, yeah, I know, but still."

" Well , there you go. I can be brutal too. Don't you forget it."

( Jay doesn't .)

Chapter Text

The next morning, when Jay wakes up, Heeseung is gone.

Sunoo and Jake are in the kitchen, bright and chipper. Sunoo - who's fasting - watches longingly as Jake shovels his mouth full of Coco Pops.

"Heeseungie-hyung's jogging to the practice facility and back this morning," Sunoo informs him, like a little messenger. "Before we head to the shoot!"

Jay squints. "That's miles away."

The TV buzzes in the background, telling of the next few days' weather. Rain, clouds - chances of meteor showers. 

Jake shrugs as he finishes his mouthful. "That's what he said."

Jay shakes his head, and anxiety stirs in his stomach.

-

The time to leave comes around, and their managers are herding them into the cars when Heeseung jogs back into the house.

Jay and Jungwon are just walking out.

"Where've you been?" Jay questions. It launches out of his mouth harsher than he intends it to.

Heeseung stares at him. He answers him after a moment passes. "I told Sunoo where I was going. I'm here now, aren't I?"

Jay scoffs. Jungwon steps between them. 

"Heeseung-hyung, you can shower and get ready on the set, don't worry about it. Thanks for letting Sunoo know." Jungwon pats him on the arm gently. "Go grab your stuff and a snack and we'll be in the cars."

Heeseung nods and leaves to do just that. Jungwon sighs.

"You two are acting like kids," He groans, grabbing Jay's wrist and pulling him out the door, "This whole issue is like herding cats."

Jay looks the other way, and the flaring indignation fades into further guilt.

-

Heeseung sits in the other car with Jake, Sunoo and Niki. 

Jay isn't so lucky.

"Do I need to punch you again?" Sunghoon drones.

"They just need to talk," Jungwon suggests pointedly, looking at his phone. "As soon as possible, preferably."

"I was going to try before the shoot," Jay argues, "Before he went on a spontaneous six mile run ."

Sunghoon rolls his eyes at him, snickering. "Alright, casanova, cool it."

-

Jay slowly rediscovers that it's hard to stay mad at Heeseung when he's the most beautiful person on the planet.

Heeseung tousles his hair and poses for the camera like a sculpture. The angled lighting bounces off his smooth skin and glossy lips; it paints his skin in the white light, glimmering with the tiny lights of glitter. He's a supernova; beauty shattering across the cosmos, hushed by only the great expanse of the universe.

Jay doesn't think art can compare to him. The line of his jaw, the slope of his nose, his plush lips. 

A familiar warmth curls down Jay's spine. The prettiest boy alive and he's standing right in front of him.

-

Jay is instructed and he complies. He acts. He models. The cyanide camera flash leaves dark spots scattered across his plane of view like collapsing stars.

Even with the impairment, he sees Heeseung standing off to the side, carefully watching Jay like he's never really noticed before.

-

He examines his photos on the big screen behind the set afterwards. His second-ever official photoshoot. 

Jay gazes at his profile. So does Heeseung, who stands quietly behind him, wrapped in a blanket.

"You look amazing," He says.

Jay shakes his head and smiles bitterly.

"You looked better."

-

With the constant recording of their actions, it's difficult to find any moment that's right to even apologise. Their lives are broadcast now; documented. This is what they signed up for, isn't it? The fame? The persistence? 

Every word that spills from his mouth sounds barely there. The directors eat it up.

The sun bleeds across the sky as they leave. A phoenix drowns in orange light that is cast along the street. He listens to music on the way home and watches the pinks and blues of the sky make way for deep reds and eventually, blackness.

-

Jay is starved. 

Designated cook, he collects some ideas for food, and decides on jajangmyeon. He figures that Heeseung will come out of his den for it.

He's stirring in the black bean paste when Sunoo wanders in. 

"Jay-hyung," He hums, "Do you know where Heeseung-hyung went?"

Jay's head snaps over. "Huh? Is he not in bed?"

"No, he left a bit ago. I figured he would have told you?" Sunoo pulls out the bench at the table and pauses, "Maybe not, then."

His pulse quickens. Left? Where? He checks his phone and there's no message. 9.24pm . 

"Where would he be going at this time?" Jay mutters. 

He opens his messages and types one out.

jay 🦅: where are you? i made food

-

When the jajangmyeon is served there's no response. The others arrive like vultures to claim their plate. 

"Jungwon-ah, do you know where Heeseung is?"

"No," Jungwon says between bites, "Didn't he leave a while ago?"

"I know. He hasn't replied to me."

Jay checks his phone again. 

jay 🦅: where are you? i made food (read at 9.29pm)

"He left me on read." Jay says flatly. "What an asshole."

Scattered laughter passes around the table.

jay 🦅: stop leaving me on read. i made you food

jay 🦅: are you okay?

-

There's no response for a while. Sunoo and Niki retreat to their beds and Jake and Jungwon migrate to the living room.

Jay scoops the leftovers of the meal into a container.

"I just don't get it," Jay grumbles, mostly to himself, but also to Sunghoon, "I made him food and he just blanked me. He never turns down food."

Sunghoon hums. "He'll come around, dude. He always does, right?"

"I don't know anymore." He places the leftovers beside the stove, wiping down the counter. He really does get mess everywhere. "I just want to explain. And hear him out, too! But then he goes and does stupid stuff like this, and-"

Sunghoon interrupts him. "Heeseung's sharing his location with you."

" What? "

Sunghoon points to Jay's phone on the table next to him. Jay nearly trips over his own feet rushing to open it.

"He's…" He murmurs, "About two miles away. It looks like a hill."

"Go," Sunghoon doesn't hesitate as he stands and shoves the phone into his hands. His eyes are wide like a rabbit's. "Go and find him, Jay."

Jay swallows. He feels the electricity rush down to his fingertips as he bolts out, grabbing his coat, shoes and a mask.

"I'm going out! I'll be back soon!"

-

He's never ran so fast. The concrete thuds heavily beneath his feet. Quickly. The street lamps illuminate most of the way but slowly die out as his phone guides him down an unlit forest trail. 

Closer, closer.

The incline steepens. Cricket and cicada song rings out, and he nearly slips on wet leaves beneath his feet. Tall ebony trees frame the path and the gentle lilac twilight above beckons him.

"Heeseung!" He shouts, "HEESEUNG!"

He reaches the peak of the hill and the trees clear out. The view astonishes him. 

Stretching lights of the city's street lamps are scattered below, and tiny lights of stars above. A swathe of purples and lilacs, lavender hues, melting in the sky like a cosmic painting.

And below it, the real art himself.

Heeseung turns, the light of his phone illuminating his face. The protrude of his cheekbones is enunciated against the dark of the surrounding shrubbery.

"There you are," Jay says weakly. "I was worried."

"So now you stop avoiding me?" Heeseung smiles, bittersweet. "Now that I go and do something without telling you?"

He's been crying; he can tell from a mile away. Jay steps closer and Heeseung steps back.

"I didn't mean-" 

"Didn't mean what? To avoid me?" His face contorts. "To walk out of every room I walk into? To stop looking at me? Talking to me?"

"I just-"

"You just what ?!"

Heeseung is crying. His voice cracks and fat tears roll down his cheeks. It feels all too real.

"You felt a bit awkward and decided that was too much for you?" He wipes the tears fiercly from his eyes. "Hey, you know what? Fuck it. I'm gay , Jongseong. And get this - I always have been! I've felt like this for as long as I can remember!"

Something strikes him in his chest. Pain, shock - so much hurt hitting him, again and again, bruising him like the wisteria sky.

"I don't mind if people hate me, god, who cares ," Heeseung turns away from him. He shouts to the universe. "Just stop ignoring me for no reason! You're.. You're my best friend!" 

"Lee Heeseung, I think I've been in love with you," Jay blurts out. Searing tears prick at his eyes. "For 4 years."

Heeseung turns around. His hands tremble. "What?"

"Outside the trainee practice facility," His voice breaks, "Under the blanket, at night. 4 years ago . I… I think I've known since then."

The silence that falls between them is filled with the sound of cars below, the cicadas in the trees, and the birds that search for them.

"Are you kidding?" Heeseung breathes. "Are you kidding me right now?"

"I nearly kissed you back then," He sobs, pain crawling up his throat, "And then the other day in the living room, and in the kitchen."

Heeseung steps forward. His eyes are blown wide. "Jongseong."

"Your voice," He whispers, face flushed maroon, "My name sounds better in your voice. You drive me insane."

Heeseung is right there. Right in front of him.

"Jongseong," He whispers, like he's afraid he'll wake the world up if he says it any louder. "Kiss me."

Jongseong does. He presses their lips together, and steps forward. Heeseung takes a gentle step back. Jongseong's hands wind into his hair, silky smooth, and Heeseung holds him, hands on his neck - sliding down to his shoulders.

His heavy heart implodes in his chest.

Heeseung tastes like strawberry chapstick. His vanilla perfume overwhelms him, and Jongseong can't get enough. His hands tighten in his hair, and Heeseung makes a tiny noise against his lips that tugs at his heart.

They come apart and Heeseung rests his forehead against Jay's, breathing shakily.

"I'm sorry," Jay mumbles against his lips, "I was so.. afraid ."

"I know," Heeseung wraps him in his arms. He buries his face in his shoulder, holding them together closer than ever. Jay can feel his heart beating fast against his own. "I know."

Jay sniffles into his chest, burying his face into Heeseung's clothes. The wind begins to actually hit him now - to wrap him in the chill and sink into his bones.

When they pull away, tiny lights are streaking across the sky, illuminating the indigo deep with bright ivory striations. Jay steps back in awe, clutching Heeseung's hand tight in his own. 

"Holy shit," Heeseung gasps with a laugh, sniffing away his tears, wiping at his eyes with his free hand. "This is beautiful."

Jay looks at him. He thinks of the night at the practice facility. He thinks of the way the meteors are reflected in Heeseung's big, beautiful eyes. A feeling swells in his chest, love, pride, good anxiety - it's big and it blossoms in his chest after being suppressed for so long.

"Yeah," Jay breathes, as he looks at him, "It is."