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"I've got you."
Yeah, he does. He always does, always has me even when I don't deserve it. Especially when I don't deserve - ugh, pain crashes, clenches inside me and I convulsively clutch his coat. I'm bleeding out for sure this time. Billie doesn't give a damn about me suffering, of course not; she's coming after us slow, methodical. She's got all the time in the world to reach me. To end me, for good. And I can't even help anyone.
Cas gets me to the panic room, well, our storeroom beyond which Crowley's been, and Sam, and me - tied up, ready to raise hell. It's - this room has never been used for anything but destruction, if I'm bein' honest. And this time's no different. It ain't gonna be able to save us - even as Cas leans me against a shelf, grips and then pats my shoulder. I hear the breath he takes as he mutters about making a sigil, and then he's gotten the knife outta my back pocket, is cutting his hand and tracing on the door in blood. Always protective through everything and looking at me with those eyes, like I'm somehow not the worst excuse for a human being he has ever known. I take a breath and realize with his hand on my shoulder, body behind, he'd healed me, there's no more blood. That, as well as the sigil keeps me whole, for now, but I can't get a full breath because everybody is actually going to fucking DIE -
And I can't take this, can't take the fact I have no damn idea what to do this time; can't take Billie busting in here and killing Cas before my eyes. No. Fuck it, I can't do it. "I'm sorry," I tell him, and he gets this look on his face, like he's gonna cry over me. Like he's heartbroken. Normally I wouldn't trust that, not in the face of an angel, but this is Cas. The most feeling out of any of them, the most human. And I trust him.
Even when I couldn't face it, couldn't even think about it, I trust him with not just my life, but everything I have.
... But here it is, here he is - he's telling me there's something he can do. That he made a deal with the Empty for Jack's life, when the kid was dead, and the price was - was Cas. No. That he'd die soon as he experiences a moment of true happiness, which makes my ears start to roar because wow how fucked up is that?! But my voice cracks as I ask why he's telling me this now, even though I know. I know. The stupid sweet self-sacrificing sonofabitch is going to try to save us. To save me. Again, for the upteenth time and I sure as hell don't deserve it, but I can't stop him from talking. My eyes flicker as I just can't believe he's saying this, he's telling me when we're about to die that he always wondered what happiness, true happiness would feel like. And I get the biggest lump in my throat because damn do I get that. I totally understand without needing words or having them, because this is choking me and it's all I can do to just ... look at him. To hear him.
Billie is still slamming on the door with her fist, not desperate but inevitable, and here Cas is spouting off the one thing he can't have would make him happy, but that he thinks he knows "Happiness ... isn't in the having, it's in just being" and if that isn't par for the course for this sentimental -
I blink, blurt out a question, because what is he talking about, he's gonna get himself killed for saying this, whatever this is, and I've got to stop him. I can't lose him again.
But he's still talking, stubborn bastard; his voice is thickening and tears are filling his eyes and I still can't fucking speak, because I can't believe it, what he's saying. I'm losing it already just knowing that whatever this is, what he's telling me is ... it's going to kill him, right? That's what he said. Whatever happiness he's feeling or admitting, the Empty is gonna come nab him and there ain't coming back from a triple Lindy like that. I want him to stop, so he can stay here, but my heart's beating like it's gonna fly out of my chest and he's saying my name....
"I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive, and you're angry. You're broken, you're Daddy's blunt instrument -" Everything, every fucking thing he's saying is stabbing me like hot knives and I can only blink and hear the sorrow and the... somethin' else in his words. Something getting stronger with every damn thing he says. He hits me with "You think hate and anger, that's what drives you, that's who you are" and if his growl wasn't so goddamn gentle I might be able to unfreeze and just whale him one. Just to feel like myself again.
And then he says the thing that breaks me.
"But it's not."
He's standing there, stepping close and his eyes look like they're actually shining - with tears, yeah, because he's crying but also with that other thing that honestly the only name I can think to put to is -
"And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have done, the good and the bad, you have done for love."
He's saying all this and it's tearing me apart. I can't breathe, can't respond because what the hell is this? Come on, Cas,
"...You raised your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love. THAT is who you are. You are the most caring man on earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know." He smiles at me as he's crying and I can't do this. I can't hear this. I squint, feel myself closing up, trying to understand how the fuck he could possibly think or mean ANY of this shit, but
"Ever since I met you, ever since I pulled you out of Hell -" suddenly I get a flash of that lightning crashing, the lights popping in Bobby's barn so damn long ago, when this being basically blasted the doors off their hinges and himself into my life "... knowing you has changed me."
"You're some heartless sonsabitches, you know that?"
"As a matter of fact, we are."
"You spineless, SOULLESS son of a bitch!"
I blink back and Cas is saying "... because you cared, I cared. I cared about - you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack - I cared about the WHOLE WORLD because of you. You changed me, Dean."
I get this warmth inside me, but it's warring with terror, dark and cold and ugly, because "...Why does this sound like a goodbye?" I say, keeping my voice flat and controlled because that's all I can do.
And when he says "Because it is," everything inside me drops. No, no it can't be, he can't go, I can't lose him again -
There's that look in his eyes. "I love you," he says; and I clench my jaw, I jerk my head the tiniest fraction of an inch because this is it, this is what he's happy about and it's making me lose him.
"Don't do this, Cas," I'm begging, because goddamnit if this makes him go - and then there's that slithery sound coming. Sounds like it's ripping into the brain, through the very fabric of the world, of everything, and I whirl on the bubbling black goo now oozing out of the wall, no; through and past the wall and Cas still won't stop looking at me like I'm the best thing to ever happen to him. It's like he's glowing, but not with power; no, he glows with love.
And I can't even say it back. Not since I was four years old could I say those words out loud. But
"Cas -" I gasp out, and his hand is on my shoulder, again, the warmth and weight and steadiness of it; the way he's gripped me tight and held me all these years, and for that nanosecond I blink and feel safe again.
Until he says "Goodbye Dean," and shoves - sends me flying out of the way
"Wha -" No!
And he's still looking at me, and I at him. I don't know what my face is telling him except no don't do this don't leave me I -
But he does, and Billie crashes through the door only to stand and get sucked and slurped away with a terrible distant screeching, but Cas is calm. He's calm and smiling, with tears still falling damn it - he doesn't know what I think, what I'm feeling and I couldn't say anything back -
And that black gunk crawls over him and takes him and I'm left paralyzed, lying on the cold hard ground gasping for air; for some word, any word, even just a cheesy line from a Swayze movie that'd let him know how I feel.
Ditto.