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Chapter Text

It was a surprisingly warm November day in the Nation’s Capital. She arrived at Arlington National Cemetery early knowing the parking garage would fill up quickly today. She made sure she had dimes and quarters in her pocket. She hung her parking pass and got out of her rental car to grab the backpack with water, a sandwich, and chips. She grabbed her blanket and started to make her way to his gravesite.

This was the first time in the last 18 years that she’d be here alone. Teal’c could not come back this year. Rya’c had another baby and Teal’c wanted to be there with his son and his family. Daniel couldn’t come because he was visiting Sarah in Egypt on her new exhibit. Mark and his family couldn’t make it over. This year would be extraordinarily hard on her. Coming here alone was something she had not done before.

She arrived early enough that as she walked from the garage, she could already see the Secret Service walking around and taking their places for the Presidential motorcade, which would be there in about 30 minutes. She made her way to her dad’s gravesite. It took her about 20 minutes to walk there. She placed a dime and a quarter on his headstone. She put her blanket down in front of the grave and sat for a while with her dad.

She stared at the infinity emblem of belief on his stone. She remembered having the conversation with him about it. He felt it best represented all beliefs of the many people he had encountered in his military life, as well as his life with the Tok’ra. She couldn’t argue his logic.

“MAJ GEN JACOB CARTER,” she read the gravestone marking out loud. The tears came.

“Dad. God, dad. I miss you. I still miss you,” she said, wiping the tears away. “I don’t have anyone with me this year. It’s been seven years since...dammit. Dad. I’m sorry.”

She sat there crying, not wanting to have to get up to go to the next gravesite. It still hurt. She wondered if it would ever stop hurting. She cried some more with her dad. She inhaled deeply.

“Well, I’m going to be 65 next month. Can you believe it? I can’t. Your baby girl is getting old,” she said with a laugh. Tiny snot bubbles came out of her nose when she laughed.

“And messy, apparently,” and she blew her nose and looked back at her dad’s grave.

“I miss him, dad. I wish he had more time. I guess I should get over there,” she said, but didn’t move.

“I love you, daddy. I’ll see you next year, OK?” she said through her sniffles and tears.

She kissed his gravestone, and rearranged the dime and quarter so they were both heads-up. She folded her blanket and started the 10 minute walk to her next and final stop of the day.

She walked through the rows and rows of headstones. Families and widows and widowers were already camped out in front of their loved ones graves. She wiped her eyes again, trying to stop the tears, but today she could not stop the tears. She’d never had to walk this alone before. Her heart hurt like it did that day when she held him until his last breath.

Her body started to shake when she was three graves away. When she saw his name, she fell to her knees in front of him and sobbed until she stopped shaking. It felt like she was letting go all over again. She wasn’t the only one wailing in Arlington that day.

After she composed herself a little bit, she laid the blanket back down in front of him. She took the dime and quarter out of her pocket and laid it on top of his stone. Then she sat cross-legged on the blanket in front of him.

“LT GEN JACK O’NEILL,” she read his stone as she always did. She traced his name with her fingers.

“I hope you know how much I love you,” she said, letting her tears fall again. “I came alone this time. I’m so sorry. But, Teal’c is going to be a grandfather again. Daniel might have gotten back together with Sarah. Yes, I know. Again,” she said, trying to laugh.

“And no. I’ve not even considered dating again. I know what you said. But I can’t. Dammit,” she said, her voice breaking as she wiped the tears away.

“Jack. I miss you. I wanted more time. Eighteen years flew by too fast. And now even seven years after you have been gone, I want you back. I miss your hugs. I miss your eyes. I miss your hands. I’m forgetting what you smell like,” she said sobbing, touching his name again, and letting the tears flow again.

“I wake up sometimes and still reach for you in bed. Sometimes I swear I see you walking down the hall at home. I can hear you answer my dumb questions. I want to feel your breath on me again. I want to hold you through your nightmares again. I want to make coffee with you, and have you tell me I’m doing it wrong. I want you to leave the damn toilet seat up and not flush. I want to fight and argue with you again. Jack, why?” she prostrated herself on her blanket and cried. No one around her cared. They were all doing the same thing.

She must have cried herself to sleep because she woke up and her watch said it was 30 minutes past when she wanted to be out of there. She sat up and ran her hands through her hair. She got her backpack and grabbed a bottle of water and her sandwich.

She ate her sandwich in silence, staring at his gravestone. She washed the last bits down with the water.

“Thank you for taking a nap with me, Jack. Oh, that sounded bad didn’t it?” and she giggled, a real laugh, for the first time today. “I didn’t mean,” she cut herself off with more laughter. Her laughter must have carried, because she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned her head around to find Daniel standing there.

“Daniel! I thought you were in Egypt!” Sam saw Sarah and Teal’c behind Daniel. “Oh my god, you guys, how? Why?” She hugged them all tightly.

Then Sam saw one more person standing with her friends.

“Oh, hi,” she said, reaching her hand out to shake. “What are you doing here?” she asked.

“I’m, uh. I’m visiting my wife. I saw Daniel and Teal’c as I was walking back to my car, but they invited me. I hope that this is OK?” he said, looking into Sam’s eyes.

“Oh. I didn’t know. I’m very sorry,” she said nervously.

“It’s OK. It has been three years now,” he said.

Sam lowered her eyes, and wiped any remaining tears away. She motioned with her hand to the gravestone behind her.

“Seven for us,” she said quietly.

“I’m sorry, Sam. I really am.”

“What are you all doing here?” Sam asked, trying to smile, and trying to lighten the mood.

“We knew you’d be here today and I guess we wanted to surprise you. This year we wanted to give you some alone time with Jack without us hovering like eagles,” Daniel said, taking Sarah’s hand into his. Sam smiled at them.

“Thank you. Teal’c, how’s the new grandbaby?” Sam asked.

“She is wonderful, GeneralCarter. Looks like her mother,” Teal’c said.

“T, c’mon. Sam. Remember? Just Sam,” she said smiling at him.

Teal’c raised his eyebrow at her, and gave her his customary bow. It did not go unnoticed as her use of words that Jack used to use.

“Of course, SamanthaCarter,” he said with his ‘Teal’c smile’. It made Sam smile.

Everyone looked at her when she smiled. They all seemed to have let out a breath none of them knew they were holding. She had a few more tears escape, and she wiped them away.

“I’m almost done. Do you all want to meet up at El Paso in Springfield?” she asked. It was one of her favorite places to eat. The endless chips and salsa were worth the trip alone.

“Sure, we can do that. We’ll see you soon, Sam,” Daniel said, and the three of them walked away, leaving the visitor standing with Sam.

“You are welcome to join us, too,” Sam told him.

“Thank you. I think I will. How long are you in town for?” he asked.

“Two more days,” she said.

“Would you like to get coffee with me before you leave?” he asked.

She looked uncomfortable and didn’t know how to reply. She looked back at Jack’s grave.

“I don’t know, Malcolm. I just,” and she didn’t know what else to say.

“I know it’s hard Sam. Believe me. I do. But it’s just coffee. I promise.”

“Can I think about it?”

“Of course you can. I’m going to head back to the visitor center to give you some more privacy. Thank you for the invite to lunch. I’ll see you soon,” he said, smiling at her.

She watched him leave, then sat back down with Jack.

“Well, what do you think about that?” she asked. “You remember Agent Barrett? I told you when he fell on top of me that one time, and then that one time he asked if I was single? I had to turn him down then, because I had you. Now he wants to have coffee. How do I do this? Do I want to do this? Jack,” she said and stopped.

She remembered some of his last words to her.

“Sam, I just want you to be happy.”

“It’s fine if you find some young man to be with. I don’t expect you to be celibate the rest of your life. Look at you,” he said, running both his hands down her chest, and grabbing on to her breasts. He’d always been a breast man with her. That had made them both laugh.

“We will always have these years together. No one can take that away.”

“I love you, Samantha Carter. I always have,” he said softly as she held him. “My heart may not physically work anymore, but my heart will always be yours. Always.”

A few hours later he was gone.

Sam swore she heard Jack tell her it’s fine to go have coffee with Malcolm. But could she? She had male friends in Daniel and Teal’c. They’d never been romantic. Not that she intended on getting romantically involved with Malcolm. It was just coffee.

She met her friends for lunch. She ended up sitting next to Malcolm and Sarah. Lunch was a wonderful time of reminiscing and talking in code about some of their missions together. She found herself laughing, and even laughed at some of the things Malcolm was talking about.

She paid for lunch for all of them and they walked to the parking lot. She said her goodbyes to Daniel, Teal’c, and Sarah.

“So,” she said to him.

“So,” he replied.

“Um, how about the Starbucks on the corner of Union and King in Old Towne?” she asked him.

He smiled at her statement, and shook his head affirmatively.

“I’d like that very much. And it’s really just coffee,” he said with a smile.

“Just coffee,” she repeated, smiling, but averting her eyes.

“Eight O’Clock work for you?” he asked.

“Sure. See you then,” she said, and they both turned to go to their cars. Sam stopped and turned back to him.

“Malcolm,” she said. He turned to look back at her, thinking she was going to cancel. She paused a moment before she spoke.

“Thank you. For today. It was nice to see you again. And I really am sorry about your wife,” she said.

Malcolm smiled back at her. He gave her a short salute and nodded his head.

“Thank you. See you tomorrow, Sam,” he said.

Chapter Text

‘Come on, Sam. It’s perfectly fine. Not to be insensitive, but it’s been eight years now. It’s not like you are going to have sex. It’s just coffee,’ Cassie pleaded on the other end of the phone. 

Sam rolled her eyes knowing full well Cassie wouldn’t see it.

“I know,” Sam replied, looking out her hotel window at the Potomac River.

‘Did you have fun last year? ’ Cassie asked, holding her two year old in her free arm.

“I did. But there was no spark,” Sam said.

‘There doesn’t have to be. Jeff, can you take Jack Junior ?’

Cassie’s husband took the toddler and kissed Cassie on the head.

‘C’mere, little one. We’ll wait for you downstairs ,’ Sam heard Jeff say in the background.

‘Love you both ,’ Cassie said. Sam couldn’t help but smile at the vision her mind made of Jeff and Cassie and their little boy, Jack Junior.

Sam remembered a very pregnant Cassie bringing Jeff to her home in Colorado Springs. They had asked Sam if it was OK if they named their baby boy after Jack. Sam had sat in front of them on the couch and stared off into the distance when they asked her. While she was honored that they asked, she was also immediately brought back in time to a conversation she and Jack had years and years ago when they were both still at the SGC.

“You know, one day she will grow up. She will have sex. And she will have a baby,” Jack had said.

“Not today! Not if I have anything to say about it,” Sam replied.

Jack just laughed at her.

“What?” Sam asked him.

“C’mere,” he had said. He brought her into one of his infamous hugs.

“She will grow up. We can’t stop it. But we can be there for her, no matter what kinds of decisions she makes in life. Janet would be proud of who she is becoming,” Jack reassured Sam.

He gave her a final squeeze and let go of her. They both stood and stared at each other for a moment. She smiled at him, then turned to go back to her work.

Sam had emphatically told them both yes to naming their boy after Jack. Sam told them Jack would be proud of them both.

‘ Hello! McFly! Sam. You still there? ’ Cassie asked, checking to make sure the phone was still connected.

“Yes, I’m still here. Sorry. Was just thinking of Jack. I remember when you came to see me two years ago to ask if it was OK to name your baby after him. He would be so proud of you, Cas,” Sam told her.

Cassie smiled, remembering the conversation as she sat down on the couch to get her shoes on.

‘You will be fine, Sam ,” Cassie told her.

She heard Sam inhale and exhale through the phone. Cassie smiled a little bit, and grabbed her second shoe.

‘Let me get ready and get the boys out of here. We will meet you at Jack’s gravesite .’ 

Sam smiled with tears in her eyes.

“Ya sure you betcha,” Sam said softly. She heard Cassie let out a small sigh. She imagined Cassie still could hear Jack in her mind speaking the same words.

“And Cass?” Sam asked.

‘Ya ?’ Cassie replied.

“Thank you. I love you all.”

‘We love you, too, Aunt Sam ,’ Cassie said with a smile.

Both ladies laughed with each other, then hung up the phone.

Sam continued to stand and stare out the window. Her mind was a million miles away with thoughts about Jack. It has been eight years since Jack passed away. She could not imagine herself with someone else, but maybe Cassie was right. Maybe she could just have a friend. A friend who has also been through the death of a spouse.

Last year she ran into Malcolm Barrett at Arlington.  His wife was medically retired from the Air Force. She had eventually died of breast cancer. Malcolm joined her, Daniel, and Teal’c for lunch last year. Then the next day she met Malcolm for coffee. And that’s all it was. Just coffee and conversation.

She and Malcolm had exchanged phone numbers that day, and they had spoken more than a few times this past year. They agreed to have coffee again at the same coffee shop in Alexandria. She was .

It was a cold November day in Washington, D.C. This year was wet and gloomy. Some years it’s hot and dry, and not a cloud in the sky. The weather in DC can change by the hour. 

She put on a pair of boots and a long jacket. She grabbed an umbrella just in case. She grabbed a hat and gloves, then made her way down to the lobby to catch an Uber to Arlington National Cemetery.

She didn’t mind the walk to Jack’s gravesite. It gave her time to collect her thoughts. She knew Cassie and her family would eventually meet her here. She knew Daniel would not be here. He finally got his chance to spend extended time on Atlantis. Teal’c could not make it because he went to visit Rya’c and his family. He wanted to see his grandson again.

And then her thoughts quickly moved to Malcolm. He’d be meeting her in the visitor center. She checked her phone. No text yet.

Her Uber dropped her off and she began the walk to see her dad. She arrived at her dad’s grave and looked at his gravestone for a moment. She took out the penny, dime, and quarter from her pocket and laid them on top of his gravestone. She noticed there were three other pennies already on there. She wondered who would have stopped by to see her dad.

She looked around. Families were already gathered around their loved one’s graves. She did not see any familiar faces. She looked back down at her dad’s grave stone and traced his name with her gloved fingers.

“Hi Dad. It’s me. I, uh. You know, I don’t really know this year. I feel like both of you are fading from me. Some days I can’t remember your voice, or your laugh. But I do remember your face as you slipped from this life. You were at peace. God, Dad, I miss you so much. I still do. Is it OK if I just stand here for a little bit? It’s a little wet today, and I don’t have a blanket or chair.”

Sam stood in front of her dad for a few minutes. She looked around her, then looked up to the sky. It was overcast, and looked like it might rain. She felt the tears try to form, and quickly pushed them down. 

She looked back at her dad’s headstone. She traced the infinity symbol. Then she kissed her hand, then touched the headstone.

“I love you, Dad. Say hi to mom. I miss you,” she said, then slowly turned to make the journey to her last stop of the day.

She arrived and the words hit her in her heart as they have every other year.

LT GEN JACK O’NEILL

“Hi,” she said, raising her eyes to the clouds again, “looks like it may rain. It’s very overcast and damp. But, you probably already know that.”

She looked down at his headstone. She placed a penny, dime, and quarter on his headstone. She noticed five pennies and three dimes already there. So Jack had a few visitors today, and three who served with him in some capacity. She smiled at the thought of others visiting him.

“I see you have had some people stop by. I’m glad. We haven’t forgotten you, Jack. Although I do have days where I can smell you, then days when I can’t remember your face or your hugs.”

The tears began.

“Cassie and Jeff are coming with Jack Junior. We’re going to have dinner together. They should be here soon. Oh. Um. Jack, I’m going to have coffee again with Agent Barrett. Malcolm. It’s just coffee. I promise. I’m not ready for more.”

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Cassie and her family coming down the aisles. She waved.

“Cassie is here,” she said with a smile. She waited for them to walk up.

Sam took Jack Junior out of his stoller and hugged him tight.

“He turned two this year. I like having your namesake around. I know you’d love him. I know you’d be so proud of Cassie and how her life has turned out,” she said, looking Cassie in the eyes.

Jack Junior started to fuss. Jeff took him back. Sam walked to hug Cassie.

“Thank you for coming,” Sam said.

“Anytime, Sam. We live here, so it’s easier for us to get here,” Cassie said with a smile.

“True. Thank you. Hi, Jeff. Thank you for coming.”

“Hi Sam. Of course. We want Jack Junior to know his Uncle Jack,” he said, kissing his son’s head.

Sam’s phone dinged. She pulled it out of her pocket and looked at the name on the screen.

“Oh,” she said out loud.

“Is it him?” Cassie asked. 

“Um, ya. It is,” Sam replied, “he is finished visiting his wife, and is on his way to the visitor center.”

Sam found she was actually excited about meeting up with Malcolm. She let herself smile a little bit. Then realized she was smiling about another man while physically standing on her husband’s grave.

“Oh god. No. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that here. Maybe I should cancel,” she said.

Cassie came to her side, and put her arm around Sam’s arm, and held her to her side.

“Hey. Listen to me,” Cassie started.

“I’m going to take him and start the walk to the visitor center,” Jeff said, placing Jack Junior back in his stroller.

Cassie waited for Jeff to walk away a little bit to give them some privacy. Cassie looked down at Jack’s headstone.

“Do you know how much this man loved you?”

Sam’s eyes filled with tears. She nodded her head.

“He loved you so much, he was willing to let you go to marry the spud because he wanted you to be happy. Nothing will ever come between that love from him. Ever. You can still honor him and be friends with other people. I can understand why you may not want to be romantically involved again. I would not for a long time if something happened to Jeff. But Sam, remember what Jack told you,” Cassie said, turning her body into Sam a little so she could make eye contact.

She stared into Sam’s eyes and saw the moment Sam realized what Cassie was talking about.

Sam recalled her final hours with Jack. He told her that he just wanted her to be happy. Sam choked back the tears, but was unsuccessful. She grabbed Cassie in a hug and held her as she cried. 

“Even in death, he was letting you go again because all he wanted is for you to be happy,” Cassie whispered to Sam.

“I want to be happy. But I feel like I’m betraying him,” Sam whispered back. 

“You are not betraying him, Sam. You could never betray him.”

The two ladies let go of each other. Sam wiped her eyes with her gloved hands.

“Thank you. It’s just hard,” Sam said.

“And I am sure it is also hard for Malcolm. But Sam. He is just a friend. Nothing more.”

Sam smiled at her adopted niece.

“Deep down I know. I won’t cancel. Jeff is probably already there talking to him,” Sam said.

“You want another minute alone?” Cassie asked.

Sam wiped her eyes and looked at her niece.

“Ya. Thank you. I’ll meet you all at the visitor center.”

Cassie kissed her hand, and touched Jack’s headstone. Then she turned to walk away from Jack’s gravesite to give Sam some more alone time with Jack.
“Do you have any idea how much I love you?” she said quietly to Jack.

Her eyes filled with tears again. She kissed both of her hands, then touched them both to his headstone.

“I miss you every day. I love you.”

She closed her eyes and took a few moments to try to quiet herself. She felt a warm breeze go by her. She kept her eyes closed and inhaled. She swore she smelled Jack. She heard a voice in the back of her mind.

‘Sam, go have coffee. I’m fine. Be happy Sam. That’s an order ,’ she heard Jack’s voice.

She smiled and inhaled one last time through her nose.

“OK. I will. I will always love you,” she whispered. Then she opened her eyes.

It was still an overcast day. But she smiled. This was not the first time she heard Jack’s voice. She hoped it wouldn't be the last.

She walked back to the visitor center and found everyone waiting for her. Malcolm was there talking to Jeff. Sam smiled at him when she made eye contact.

“Hey, Sam, Jack is fussy. We’re going to take him home. You two go off and reconnect. Call me later for dinner,” Cassie said, juggling the toddler in her arms.

“Sure. Not a problem. Thank you for coming. He really would be proud of you,” Sam said, smiling at both Cassie and Jeff.

She leaned in and kissed Jack Junior’s head and said goodbye. She turned to Malcolm and gave him a  smile as she clasped her hands in front of her.

“So, we still on for coffee?” Malcolm asked.

Sam stood in front of him going over the conversation with Cassie, and the short visit from Jack at his gravesite. She had known Malcolm for a long time. It would be nice to have someone who has been through the death of a spouse to talk to. They are just friends. Nothing more. She smiled. 

“Yes, we are. Shall we?” she asked.

Malcolm turned his body sideways, and motioned one hand to the exit.

“We shall. After you,” he said.

They walked to Malcolm’s car. 

“How have you been?” he began.

“Oh, fine. You know. Finally thinking about retirement. And you?” she asked.

“I was forced to retire at 57. You know, special agent and all. I stayed on as a contractor for a while. Then a year or so after Denise, I resigned. I wanted to spend time with family and my grandkids,” Malcolm said, lowering his voice a little.

They both stared out the windshield in a comfortable silence as he drove them down the George Washington Memorial Parkway, then down to Union Street in Old Town Alexandria. He found street parking two blocks away. He parked, and the two of them walked to the coffee shop. He opened the door for her, and they walked straight to the counter to order.

They got their orders and sat down at the cozy table for two next to the old fireplace. The building was built in 1763, and was the old Seaport Inn Restaurant. The old exposed stone walls combined with modern coffee shop decor made this particular spot a tourist and local attraction. 

They each sipped their coffee in silence for a short time. Then Sam looked inquisitively at him. He sat a little taller in his seat, and raised his eyebrows at her asking a silent question.

“You know, he always liked working with her,” Sam started, “I’m sorry we didn’t find the time for the four of us to get together.”

He smiled and leaned forward towards the small table and set his cup down.

“Did you know he sent flowers to her after her first surgery?” Malcolm asked.

“No, I did not,” Sam replied, looking down at the coffee cup in her hands. “He didn’t normally do things like that. But, he spoke very highly of Denise. She was one of the few assistants that wasn’t afraid of him, and tolerated his quirks and bad jokes,” Sam laughed. Malcolm also laughed.

“I was sorry to hear about the General. He was a very special man, Sam. He affected a lot of lives, and not just by, you know…” Malcolm said, making a circle in the air with his finger.

They both smiled at the gesture.

“It was just so sudden. Massive heart attack. He...well…it was very hard, but I think it would have been worse if it had been something lingering. Jack was never very good at lingering around anywhere,” she let out a little laugh.  

They caught each other’s eyes across the table.

“Thank you for the lovely card, Malcolm,” she said, lightly touching  his arm.“It was very thoughtful of you and Denise. I don’t think I ever got to thank you in person. Everything just went so fast,” she said, letting her eyes fall to the unlit fireplace beside them. 

"You don’t owe me anything, Sam. This is enough,” he said, tipping back the remainder of his coffee.

He stood up and went to throw his empty cup in the trash can. Sam stood to follow.

“When do you go back?” he asked.

“Tomorrow. I need to get back and pack.”

“Of course. Can I give you a ride?”

Sam looked at him for a moment. She put her gloves and hat back on. She was prepared to Uber. But she looked at him, and saw nothing untoward in his eyes. She inhaled, and smiled.

“Yes. I think I would like that very much. Thank you.”

“So, same place and time next year?” he asked as he opened the door for her. They both walked into the cold outside and walked to his car.

“Just friends, right?” Sam asked quietly.

Malcolm stared at her with a nervous, quirky smile on his face.

“Yes, Sam. I’m not ready for more. Might not ever be. It’s just nice to have a friend to talk to about...well, all of it. You know?” Malcolm answered.

Sam thought about his words. She smiled.

“Yes, I do understand,“ she said. 

“This was nice. I look forward to next time. I miss going to plays, or movies, or the symphony. Maybe we can try that next year?” Malcolm asked.

“I just miss going out to dinner with someone and talking. Maybe we could do that?” she asked as they got to the car.

Malcolm opened the car door for her, then walked around to the driver side and got in. He started the car and turned the heat on.

“I think I would like that very much.”

They chatted a little more as he drove her back to her hotel. He parked out front and the bellhop opened Sam’s door.

“Well, this is me. Thank you, Malcolm. I had a very nice day.”

“I did too. Thank you. Call or text when you get home.”

“OK. I will. See you later, Agent Barrett,” she said with a smile.

“See you later, General Carter,” he replied in kind.

She got out and walked into her hotel and went straight to her room. She locked the door behind her, and walked to the window. Her mind was full of thoughts from today. She closed her eyes and inhaled, thinking about Jack. She opened her eyes and saw a break in the clouds. The sun was setting, and tendrils of light poked out from the clouds.

“Thank you, Jack. Today was a good day,” she said.

Then she got her phone out and called Cassie.

Chapter Text

The curtains were pulled close together the night before. She wanted to keep out all of the morning light. She purposefully asked for a room facing north so she’d get the river view. But right now she just wanted to stay in bed.

She pulled two pillows over her head and rolled on her side wanting some more sleep. Sleeping in was something she never could do, not even now, so many years out of the service. But she tried. And failed.

She let out a little growl when she realized that she would not be able to sleep any longer. She rolled onto her back and threw the pillows off of her. She rolled her head to the side and reached out and grabbed her phone off of the nightstand. It was 0630 now.

She let her hand with her phone drop to her chest. She raised her other arm over her head and stared at the ceiling in the darkened room. She could see the first vestiges of light creeping through the drapery. She closed her eyes and exhaled.

“Fuck,” she whispered to no one but herself.

She did not care for the DC winters. And Veterans Day weather is hit or miss. It’s either freezing cold with rain, or it could be 85 and sunny. She’d have to get out of bed to see what one she got.

She lifted her phone again to check the weather.

“Huh,” she said to herself, “seventy two.”

She put her phone back on the nightstand and threw the covers off. She sat up and found it was a bit warm in the room. She put both feet on the floor and slowly stood up.

She clicked on the light that sat on the nightstand. She looked around her room. Everything was the same as she left it. TV remote on the couch cushion. A blanket folded back up and placed on the armrest of the couch. Her half-empty bottle of whatever she grabbed at the store still sat on the counter.

“Why do I keep doing this?” she asked herself.

She knew why she kept coming here on Veterans Day. Now she felt guilty for asking herself why. She sank onto the couch and let her head fall into her hands.

“I’m just scared,” she whispered into the air.

She knew why she is scared. She’d already recognized her fear a few months ago. She felt like she was losing him. His face. His arms. His warmth. His smell. She felt guilty for losing what could be called his essence.

She stood and walked to the window to see what kind of a day it was. She opened the dark, drawn drapes to find the skies clear of clouds, and a nice purple-blue filling the sky with the coming day’s sun. It would be a warm Veterans Day today. She took some comfort in that. But her fear lurked deep.

“Jack. Where are you?” she asked, looking blankly out her hotel window on a bright DC day.

She took her time getting ready.. She put on jeans, a loose, short sleeved blouse, an old necklace Jack had gotten her here in DC. She held the tiny space shuttle pendant in her hand and closed her eyes as she remembered when he gave it to her.

“What is this for?” she asked with her huge, beaming smile.

“Well, I figured I couldn’t find an X-302 or a Wraith Dart, so the space shuttle will have to do for now,” he replied, motioning for her to turn around.

She lifted her long hair. He put the necklace on her, ensuring his fingers brushed her neck right where he knows what it does to her. Her breath caught, the hair on her arms stood straight, and warmth pooled in her belly.

He kissed her neck softly after clasping the necklace together. She smelled him. She felt him. She turned and fell into his arms. Her head fell towards his neck and she inhaled all of him.

“I love you,” she whispered to the tinted glass in front of her, tapping it lightly with her fingernail. She was hoping he could hear her, hoping he knew how much she still loved him.

After a few minutes, she took in a deep breath and turned and moved towards the closet. She picked up her cute, short heeled boots that would be fine for walking across the short grass at Arlington, even if it was damp ground. At least she thought they were cute.

She knew about the joint pilot meetup this weekend. She wasn’t in town for that. She thought about all the people that would be there. Some knew her before Jack. Some knew her during Jack. Some knew they were married in those early days. Most did not. It didn’t matter now anyways. She still didn’t want to go to the meetup.

She grabbed her things and left her room. She walked around the corner to the cute diner that she and Jack used to go to all the time when they were in DC together. She realized that after he retired, they never came here together anymore. It was always her and her ridiculous meetings. He would go to the cabin and wait for her there for a short weekend getaway.

Now she came to the diner alone. They’d never had the same table, so she didn’t care where she sat. But now she always asks to sit at the window. She liked being able to look out at the passers by.

She had to wait a while for her window seat. She stepped outside in the fresh morning air with the pager from the diner. She looked around at the buildings, the traffic, the people. She was very glad to now spend her summers at the cabin, and winter at their home in Colorado. She passed the time by taking out her phone and checking emails.

Cassie wanted to meet up for Christmas this year. She didn’t care where, and even suggested maybe an AirBnB somewhere warm, like Mexico. She smiled at the thought of warm for Christmas with Cass and her family.

“That might just work,” she said out loud to herself.

She checked off the boxes of emails she wanted to delete. So much spam and junk came to her these days. As she pressed Delete, she heard her name called.

“General Carter!” she heard again, from outside.

She watched as a younger woman waved at her, then ran across the street when the light turned.

As she got closer, Sam recognized her and smiled. When she got close enough, Sam reached out and hugged her.

“Colonel Hailey! What are you doing here?” Sam asked.

They let go of each other and just smiled for a few seconds.

“It’s good to see you, ma’am,” Hailey said.

“Please, c’mon. Sam. Please call me Sam,” she retorted with a laugh.

“Not sure that I can do that, ma’am, but I’ll try. Sam,” she enunciated, “I’m here for the pilot meet up. Did you get the invite?” Hailey asked.

Sam shifted on her feet, and lowered her eyes.

“Ya. Ya I did,” she said hesitantly. “I’m just not sure,” she was cut off by the vibration of the diner beeper. She put her phone in her pocket and lifted the beeper out and showed it to Hailey.

“That is me. Would you like to join me?” Sam asked.

Hailey smiled and looked excited.

“Um, sure, if you don’t mind, I mean if it’s OK,” she said quickly, “I am hungry.”

Sam smiled at her.

“Of course it’s okay,” Sam assured her.

They both went inside. They were seated at one of the window seats, and the server took their drink order.

“So you won’t be joining us at the meet up?” Hailey asked again.

Sam averted her eyes.

“No, I don’t think so. I’m not here for that. I’m here for,” and she stopped talking and her eyes immediately caught Hailey’s. A moment of understanding moved between them and Hailey stopped smiling.

“I, uh,” Hailey began, “Um. Look,” she stuttered, “I really don’t know what to say. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you personally. Sam. I am so sorry. I know it’s been years, but I am truly, truly sorry,” Hailey offered.

Sam nodded her head and looked down at her hands that now held a hot cup of coffee. She knew Hailey had known very early on that there was something between her and Jack. Probably even before Sam realized it herself. She never said anything those times she saw Sam, and offered a sarcastic, knowing smirk that would make Sam blush.

“Thank you. It’s still hard, you know? Some days I don’t even, you know what? Enough of that. How are you doing?”

The two ladies ordered their breakfast and continued to talk and catch up. Sam found herself laughing and having a good time catching up with Jennifer Hailey. Colonel Jennifer Hailey. How time had gone by. Hailey answered a text message, then continued talking.

“Have you been nominated yet?” Sam asked.

“Ah, such a good question. No, not yet. And I’m not sure I want to. Make General. I mean, I guess since I’m here with you I can ask questions. Is it worth it?”

Sam thought for a moment how to answer.

“It’s a lot of work. Very bureaucratic. Very political. If you think the multinational force is political at your level, it will multiply. You will see more about your own government, and that of the nations involved, if you take it on,” Sam paused to take a bite of food and a sip of coffee.

Sam was referring to the new multinational operations of the Stargate. It had been a joint force mission from the start. But now it was open globally and operated jointly with eleven other countries.

“But,” she continued, “it also can be very rewarding. You won’t get to fly anymore unless you get a slot that has flight hours in it.”

“And see, that’s what I love about commanding my own Wing,” Hailey began, “I can still fly. I mostly do short hops and touch-and-go’s to get my hours in. And of course test piloting of various prototypes like you used to build,” she said, smiling at Sam. “I’m not sure I would want to give that up.”

“It’s a hard decision,” Sam said, then taking a sip of coffee. “You should write out a pros and cons sheet. That’s what I did. Jack walked me through it,” Sam finished, looking down into her coffee cup and chuckling a little.

“General O’Neill, sorry about that,” Sam smiled up at Hailey.

“I know who you meant,” Hailey said, smiling at Sam as she, too, took a sip of her coffee.

“You know. It’s also the family I enjoy. I never got to really know the Navy and Marine pilots when I was first brought on. It took me leaving for my own command starting when I was a Major to finally find the camaraderie and family with my pilots. The 22 was amazing, except for that whole International Date Line fiasco,” she laughed.

“I remember reading the reports!” Sam laughed.

“And the 35, all I can say is wow! Way better than that 22. Then there’s the ones I can’t talk about. We would make you proud, Sam,” Hailey said, purposefully making her use Sam’s first name. There was a pleasant pause between them.

“You know, this is why we wanted to start these pilot reunions on Veterans Day. It’s not just for the SGC. It’s for all of us, near and far. Caldwell may attend. I’m sure Ellis will be here. He lost a buddy recently.”

“Oh, I didn’t know. I’ve been so busy and stuff,” Sam quickly said.

“It’s OK, Sam. Really. We would love for you to join us after. If these pilots can be such a support system for those who are attending, maybe they could be for you, too?” Hailey asked, taking the check out of the server’s hand and insisting on paying.

“Thank you, Jennifer.

AT ARLINGTON

Sam made the walk from the parking garage to Jack’s gravesite. The grass was dry this year, and the smell of fall was in the air. She sat down on the blanket and traced her finger in his name as she had done every visit.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a few coins. She placed a penny, dime, and quarter on Jack’s headstone. She noticed a few more pennies and dimes. She lightly touched each one, wondering who it was that came by to visit her husband. She smiled and sat down cross legged in front of Jack.

“I will atop by to see dad on my way out. I have always wondered what it would be like if things turned out different for him. Would he still be alive? Would he have taken another…” she looked around before she said more. “Well You know what.”

“I don’t know how much longer I will come here, and that makes me feel guilty as hell. It’s not that I don’t love you. Because I do and I’ll never stop. Ever. I don’t know how to go on not loving you. After all this time it is still you, Jack. It’s you. It’s always been you and I still don’t know what to do! I don’t want to date. I've hung out with Malcolm as a friend, that’s all. He went through debilitating cancer with his wife and he is scarred like the rest of us. I’ve had people ask me out. I immediately get defensive, then sad, then say no.

“It hurts me to come here knowing exactly where you are and I can’t touch you anymore. I’m forgetting what you look like. I’m forgetting what you smell like. I’m forgetting what your arms felt like around me. I’m scared. I’m scared I’m losing you. I don’t have anyone to talk to anymore. Why couldn’t we have just gone together?”

Her tears came again like they always did. She let them go, not caring who was around. Today was the day for families to visit their loved ones and cry, laugh, sing, or sit quietly. So she sat and cried. She eventually stopped crying and laid down on the blanket she brought with her. Listening to the birds, air planes, and the wind, she took a nap with her husband.

A few hours later she woke up. She touched his headstone again. She sat up on her knees a little bit and leaned in and kissed the edge of the headstone.

“Goodbye Jack. For now. I love you forever,” she said as she gathered her things.

She went to visit her dad before she walking back to her car and drove back to her hotel. After she parked she decided to walk around a bit. It was too early for bed, and a little too late for dinner. She walked past the Navy Memorial and watched the water fall down the steps for a time. She continued to walk and didn’t realize where she was until she opened the door to the conference room and stepped in.

Her breath caught as she looked at the room with about two dozen people inside. She recognized a few that were facing her. She thought she recognized some who had their back to her. The room was filled with quiet conversation.

She thought no one had seen her, so she began to turn around to leave. She felt a gentle hand on her arm. She slowly turned around.

“Hi,” she said.

“I’m glad you decided to come. You can leave if you want, but we’d love for you to stay.”

“Jennifer, I don’t know. I didn’t even know where I was going until I walked in here.”

“Or maybe you knew where you were going,” she said, looking up at Sam.

She got a small, nervous smile from Sam.

“OK. I’ll stay a little while.”

She walked into the room and was greeted by those in attendance. Caldwell was there. Barnes and McCormick from the Navy were there. A few wives and husbands came. She began to settle down and enjoy the people around her.

She talked with most everyone in the room. And found herself laughing with them. The ones who knew Jack spun stories she had never heard before, and felt warmed by them taking the time to share.

She stayed long enough that about half the room had already left. She checked her watch. She had an early flight tomorrow. She found Hailey to say goodnight.

“Hey, I have to go. I haven’t packed and I have an early flight. Thank you,” she said.

“Any time, Sam,” she said with a smile.

“Hey, listen. Do you want to maybe give me your phone number? And I’ll give you mine?” Hailey asked.

Sam stood and thought about that for a moment. She did tell Jack she didn’t have anyone to really talk to. And after breakfast today, and tonight’s gathering, she found Hailey to be a genuine and caring woman. She needed real people like that in her life. She smiled.

“Yes, I’d like that very much,” Sam said, reaching into her pocket for her phone.

She went back to her hotel to pack up her things. She took a shower and changed and climbed into bed. She felt good about today. Very good, indeed, she thought. She clicked off the nightstand light and closed her eyes.

Hours later, her eyes flung open wide and she sat straight up in bed. She deeply inhaled as she smelled a familiar scent. It was him. She smelled him. Even for a few brief breaths, she smelled her husband.

Was it really him? She realized she had the familiar warmth inside of her, and the hair on her arms were still standing up a little bit. Did he really come to her? She touched the pendant on the necklace again. She got out of bed and grabbed a blanket. She went to her window and looked out.

She felt a few tears escape her eyes as she focused again at the river outside below her. She hugged the blanket around herself in an attempt to keep his warmth inside of her. She held the pendant in her hand, closed her eyes, and never wanted to let it go.

After standing for a long while, she realized she would not be able to get back to sleep. She walked over to the kitchen area in her room and started to make coffee. As the coffee brewed, she inhaled the wonderful aroma of the roasted beans. She swore the smell alone could perk people up.

She poured herself a cup when it was done. She let the coffee cool for a few minutes before she took a sip. She remembered countless times when Jack would bring her coffee, or she’d bring him a cup. She thought of this morning when she had coffee and breakfast with Jennifer. She thought of the people gathered tonight and their conversations. She had a wonderful weekend.

She decided to come back next year to see Jack.

Chapter Text

The line at the Starbucks near King and Union was out the door. It was a gorgeous day for November in Northern Virginia. She checked her phone. One new message.

“Hey, sorry, I’m running late. Found a parking spot 3 blocks down. Be right there.”

She smiled and put the phone back in her pocket. The line continued to move slow, but eventually she ordered the two drinks, and stepped to the side to wait for her order.

She took her phone out again. She opened her photos and started looking through pictures of her wedding. She felt that tug in her heart as she always did when she looked at his picture. She wondered if that would ever go away. She never wanted it to go away.

Scrolling down, she kept looking out the window, or up at the counter for her order. She found a photo of her and Jack outside in the winter in the mountains. They were so young then. Her hair was longer. Must have been around her return from Atlantis? Another one of them in the water at the cabin. That day he had run out and grabbed her and jumped in the water with her. Daniel, as usual, had a camera. The water was so cold, but not that cold, according to something pressed into her back as Jack held her and wouldn’t let her go.

She felt herself laugh out loud. She looked around to see if anyone was watching and thinking she was crazy. “Well, I am crazy,” she thought, “crazy for him…”

“Oh my god, Sam, I’m so sorry I’m late,” she heard behind her.

She turned around and smiled at her friend. No. Not friend. Family. They gave each other a huge hug and then just smiled at each other.

“It is so good to see you! Thank you for coming,” Sam said appreciatively.

“Are you kidding? I wouldn’t miss this. We have a lot of catching up to do,” her friend replied.

They continued the small talk until Sam’s name was called. They both walked up to the counter to get the drinks, and Sam pulled two Yeti cups from her bag and placed them on the counter.

“Oh you were always the smart one. Those cups are awesome!”

“Yes, well, your Uncle Jack thought I was crazy when I started buying them. Then he slowly started using them more and more, and all of a sudden I was a genius again,” Sam said with a laugh.

“He always could be a tad obtuse. Thank you for inviting me. Really. This means a lot to me,” Cassie said.

“Of course. This is easier for me with family. Are you ready?” Sam asked.

“Yup. I’m a little walk down the street, but it’s such a nice day out, I wish we could walk to Arlington from here.”

Sam laughed.

“Back in the day I am sure we could have, but not anymore. Maybe you could,” Sam said, poking Cassie in the side with her elbow.

“Nah, my marathon days are over. The kids take up so much time, and I have that job, you know,” Cassie grinned.

“Ya, I do know. I wonder how you got that job?” Sam joked back.

The two of them continued to talk all the way to the car, then on to the parking garage at Arlington National Cemetery. They arrived early enough to get a spot, barely early enough. They got out, grabbed their coffee and blankets, and made the long walk to Jack’s burial spot.

Sam was so grateful to have Cassie with her. She broke down crying the moment they reached his row. Cassie held her hand until they arrived at Jack’s resting spot. They both stopped and stood there for a few moments. When Sam thought she had it together enough, she let go of Cassie’s hand and helped lay the blankets down. The two of them sat cross-legged in front of Jack.

Neither of them talked right away. Sam looked at Jack’s headstone. Two pennies and one dime were already there. Must have been someone yesterday or during the week. She was certain no one could have possibly been by before they got here. Sam reached into her purse and pulled out her wallet. She fished around the coins until she found a quarter. She leaned forward and placed the quarter next to the other coins.

She sat back and took a sip of coffee, then looked at Cassie. She gave Cassie a very small smile, and averted her eyes to her wallet.

“Do you want one?” she asked Cassie.

“Of course,” Cassie answered back, almost in a whisper.

Sam went back to her coins and found a dime. She handed the dime to Cassie. She kissed the dime before placing it on Jack’s headstone with the others. She sat back and took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“I miss him, Aunt Sam,” she whispered, holding back her tears.

Sam took her hand and held it.

“Me too, kiddo. Me too.”

They sat in silence together, holding hands and sipping their coffee. What might have been twenty minutes later, Sam heard Cassie clear her throat.

“Aunt Sam?” she asked.

“Ya?”

“What was he like? I mean, really like? When it was just the two of you?”

“What do you mean? I think you saw us together. He was that big goofball who loved life and his family.”

“I know. But I guess, like, the little things. You know. Did he buy you tampons? Did he brush your hair?” Cassie asked, letting out a laugh. It lightened the mood.

Sam laughed. It feels good to laugh, she thought.

“I don’t know. Let me think of how to explain. I really miss holding his hand. I think I miss that the most. His hands were so big and his fingers were so long…”

“Aunt Sam gross!”

“Oh stop! That’s not what I meant!” Sam said with a laugh, and her face blushed. “I mean his hands could completely encompass mine. He could surround me with his one hand and I’d feel so supported. So loved. Just by his hand being in mine. It made me feel special. I held his hand until his last breath. And then I wouldn’t let go. The hospital staff eventually left me alone with him until they absolutely had to get him out. When I let go of his hand, I felt half of my soul leave my body. I haven’t gotten it back.”

Cassie was speechless for a while. Sam thought she was crying because she saw her hand reach for her face a few times. Sam took a moment to read Jack’s headstone again and again. Her mind was racing over a million other small things that she and Jack had done over the years.

“You know he snored? Like a lot?” Sam asked Cassie.

Cassie chuckled and took a sip of coffee.

“Ya, right, he said it was YOU that snored!”

“Oh he is full of it, but I can totally see his mischievous face telling you that!”

Sam took another sip of coffee.

“You know he hated grocery shopping. Absolutely hated it. It was so much easier when I went alone. We’d be walking through the aisles and he’d just grab crap off the shelf and put it in the cart. Some of the things I’d catch, and I’d put them back. But sometimes we’d get home and I’d unpack the bags and there’d be like canned fish, or a pack of condoms in there. Like we needed those. Sometimes I’d get so angry at this stuff that ended up coming home. We’d fight sometimes over it. All he was doing was trying to be cute and have fun doing something with me. And I’d ruin it.”

Cassie turned her head to her aunt.

“Sam. It’s OK. I’m sure you guys made up after.”

Sam took another sip of coffee and sighed. 

“Sometimes. And some of those after-fight times were quite intense. But, I couldn’t stay angry at him for a long time. I do regret some of our fights now. It seems so senseless. Our time is so limited.”

They sat in silence for a while longer. They watched families start coming in and setting up for the day in front of their loved one’s space. Some people were crying. Some people were just talking.

“You know what I miss the most? Snuggles. I miss his warm body next to mine. I miss waking up with that goofy grin staring back at me. I miss feeling safe next to him.

“I also miss finding his car keys in his pockets after I did the laundry and I heard them clanking around in the dryer. I miss watching TV with him. I miss having to rearrange the dishwasher after he loaded it because nothing was ever geometrically placed in there. He clumped it all in and left no room for the water to flow.

“I miss him getting frustrated with me when I was trying to explain something, and I either took too long explaining, or I used big words that he didn’t understand.”

“Ya, but I think that was all a big act for him. I think he understood a lot more than he ever let on. He was a very smart man,” Cassie added.

“I know. He really was,” Sam said, then started laughing, “and why, oh WHY did he wear those baggy clothes all the time? No matter what I said, he’d always do the yard or go out in those baggy clothes.”

“He looked fine at your wedding!” Cassie interjected. 

“Lord, did he ever! I also miss how he took care of the cabin. He was always fixing this, or fixing that. He took pride of ownership in that place. He did that with everything we owned, too. Some of my favorite moments were hanging out by the water, staring at the reflection in the water and just being with him. Sometimes we’d go for hours not speaking a word. We didn’t have to. The peace surrounded us and spoke for us.”

“Wow, Aunt Sam. That’s amazing. I’ve never heard you talk about him like that before. Thank you for sharing that with me.”

Sam grabbed Cassie’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

“As I get older, the more I talk about him, the more his memory survives. He loved you very much, you know that, right?”

Cassie smiled at Sam.  

“Yes, I know he did. You guys saved me. How much more would have to convince me?” 

They both took a sip of coffee at the same time. The sun was at its highest point in the November sky now. It was a warm day for DC this year. It made the day easier to stay.

“Do you know what I miss the most? I think the absolute most?” Sam asked.

“What?” Cassie replied.

“Talking. I miss talking to my best friend. Even if we didn’t make sense. I miss his voice and the rumble it made. Even if it was just him doing most of the talking, or just me doing most of the talking. I miss the sound of his breathing as I put my ear on his chest when we snuggled or slept. I miss his energy in the house. Even today it’s like the house is missing a heartbeat.”

Cassie had no reply. They sat in silence again, and this time it was Sam who was crying. Cassie scooted closer to her Aunt and the two of them just sat. And sipped the rest of their coffee.

After a while, Cassie took Sam’s coffee cup and placed them both back in Sam’s bag. She stood up and walked to the end of the row where Jack was, and let Sam have some alone time with Jack. She couldn’t hear Sam, but she could tell she was talking to Jack. 

A few minutes later, Cassie watched Sam lean forward and kiss the headstone. She folded up the blankets and turned to walk to Cassie. But as she did, a man walked up to Jack’s headstone and placed a coin on it. The man turned to Sam and bowed his head.

“You family?” he asked.

“Yes, I’m Mrs. O’Neill,” she replied.

“Just paying my respects, ma’am. The Colonel, I mean General, saved my life in the Gulf. Best man I ever knew,” he said, turning his head to look at Jack’s headstone. 

Sam smiled at him with watery eyes, and whispered out a “Thank you,” to him.

The man smiled slightly, and bowed his head at her again. 

“Well, that’s all I came here to do today. To pay respects. So sorry for your loss, ma’am,” and he turned to walk to the next person to pay respects to.

Sam walked to Cassie and motioned to start the walk back to the car.

“Who was that?” Cassie asked.

“Someone who served with Jack in the Gulf. Said that Jack saved his life. He just wanted to come pay his respects.”

“Wow. That is wonderful. That is what this day is for, after all,” Cassie said.

Chapter Text

She awoke in a strange place. It took her mind a moment to register where she was. She kept her eyes closed, listening to the sounds around her. She could hear cars driving by. She could hear the honking of the cars outside, probably getting someone to go when the light turned green, or just honking because someone cut someone off.

She could barely hear the noises in the hallway. People coming and going. Were they here to visit family? Were they here for work? Were they on holiday? So many options. And all could be true. Then she heard the airplane.

Virginia. Arlington, Virginia. That’s where she was. It is Veterans Day Weekend again. She let out a long exhale. Getting old sucks, she thought to herself.

She rubbed her eyes with her hands, and when she was done she opened her eyes to find the first glimpses of light coming through the blinds that were pulled over the windows. She remembered looking out the windows before she went to bed.

Her room once again faced the river. The Potomac River isn’t as big and wide up here as it was further down in Virginia towards the Chesapeake Bay and eventually emptying into the Atlantic Ocean. And the Potomac smells funny if you get your clothes wet. 

She let her mind travel back in time when she once kayaked in the river near Georgetown. Even today, The Washington Canoe Club remains an iconic legend in DC. The day that she and her friends went kayaking, they went farther than expected, and took forever to paddle back to the boathouse. They remembered looking at the sky, wondering if they’d get rained on. They eventually made it back safely.

Once their kayaks were stored, they took time to watch the Hawaiian Outrigger canoes and the Dragon Boats practice. She loved the timing and synchronicity of both sports. One paddled to the beat of a drum. The other paddled to the timing of 6 hearts connected as one. She remembered thinking she should have taken up kayaking or other outdoor sports sooner.  

Her mind came back around to the present. She reached a hand over to turn on the nightstand light. Her bottle of pain pills was waiting for her with the glass of water she prepositioned the night before. She used her arms to prop herself up against the headboard of the hotel bed. She picked a bad time to break her ankle.

Stubborn as the day is long, she refused her doctor's recommendation to stay at home. She asked to be put into a cast because this was one day she was not going to miss. She hired a nurse to come with her to help her. Her nurse, Brenda, has been wonderful. They decided to drive from Minnesota rather than fly. It was the right call. The drive was so much more relaxed than trying to fly, and without the risk of potential blood clots.

After taking her pain pill, she called up Brenda to let her know she was up. It was time to start the day.

Before Brenda arrived, she got herself into the wheelchair and wheeled herself over to the blinds. She pulled the blinds open and looked out the window. There was not a cloud in the sky today. She’s always known the weather in the DC area can range wildly from snow all the way up to hot and humid in the 80’s this time of year. This year, however, it was bone chilling cold. She thought she was used to the cold. Perhaps her reaction to it this year was due to the pain medicine. She rolled back to the bed, got out of the chair, and sat on the bed until Brenda arrived.

Brenda helped her get ready for the day. She had a pair of fleece-lined leggings modified to help her with the cold. She found a seamstress who had cut off the right leg from just below the knee. Then she added a zipper to the right side to zip her down to her cast. Brenda capped her toeless cast with a warm oversized black sock, and they topped the outfit off with a mid-thigh black winter dress.  

She put on a black overcoat and adorned the ensemble with a pair of gloves, scarf, and a black cable winter hat. She moved herself, stubbornly, back to her wheelchair. She propped her leg up on the extended leg of the wheelchair, and Brenda placed a US Air Force blanket on her lap. She may need that later. 

Brenda rolled her out of the room and down the elevators into the atrium of the hotel. She had hired a car that would take them to Arlington National Cemetery. She kept checking her watch. There was still plenty of time. As they waited for the car, three people came walking in their direction. She smiled big at them and motioned for them to come over.

The two younger women leaned down to hug her. The gentleman gave her a quick peck on the top of her head. The five of them exchanged pleasantries and laughter as they waited for the car to pick them all up. They saw a large black car pull up, and the driver got out and came inside. He confirmed that was the correct group to pick up. The driver greeted each person before they all piled into the spacious vehicle and made their way to the cemetery.

When they arrived, the guards took the information from the driver. The guard handed the driver a pass, and told them that they could drive straight to the grave site. The driver hung the pass in the window, and then drove to the gravesite. They were all grateful to not have to walk from the parking garage, especially in this cold weather.

When they arrived at the site, they could see that there was already a very large number of people present. A General walked to the car and opened the door. The Arlington staff knew to expect her in a wheelchair, and the General motioned for two Air Force Chiefs to assist. She was promptly wheeled up front, people making way for her. The others in her party filed in behind her, including Brenda.

The ceremony itself was quite short. This time she had direct orders to not “over dramatize” things. The ceremony was to be short, to the point, and let guests move on with their day. If it were really only that easy. She knew people would come up to her afterwards. A little part of her dreaded that. But she would be fine.

She could hear the sniffles and sobs from all sides of the group that had gathered. She had no idea this many people were going to attend. It was normal for the graveside ceremonies here at Arlington to take up to a year or more to get scheduled. So eight months later, she really had no idea that this many people would show up.

She gathered some courage to look around. She saw many uniformed members from all branches of the services, and foreign military, too. To her left stood her old friends, Daniel and Teal’c. But she knew they would be there. She also noticed Jennifer Hailey. She had achieved the rank of General. But was that ever in doubt? Jennifer was always going to be successful no matter what she did.

She glanced over her other direction and saw Malcolm Barrett was there, also in a wheelchair. She gave him a slight smile, and continued to look around. There were so many more people that were not here anymore. Time eventually catches us all. Time is not friendly, nor does it last forever.

The volley of rounds woke her from her thoughts. She watched the flag being folded in front of her. She watched the General take the flag and walk over to her. He stood tall and proud, and gently and reverently knelt down in front of her. And then she heard the words that broke her heart every time she heard them.

"On behalf of the President of the United States, the United States Air Force, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one's honorable and faithful service." 

She could no longer contain her tears. As soon as the General dismissed the ceremony, she waved everyone off and wanted to sit in her chair for a few more moments and just cry. But she couldn't because she saw Daniel and Teal’c walking towards her. She looked up at both of them. She could see Daniel had red, watery eyes. Teal’c was stoic as always, but even his chin was wavering with his own grief.

Daniel got down on one knee in front of her wheelchair. He reached his hand to hers and held on.

“I am so sorry, Cassie,” he said softly. “You meant the world to her, I hope you know that. You were every bit her daughter as you were to Janet,” he never let his gaze leave hers.

She couldn’t quite speak yet, so she just nodded her head, and squeezed his hand. The three of them shared a few moments of grief together. Teal’c touched her shoulder, and Cassie’s family, who were still standing behind her, drew closer to all three of them.

“I miss her so much,” Cassie finally squeaked out softly, seeking help and comfort in Daniel’s eyes.

“Me too, kiddo. Me, too,” Daniel replied, no longer trying to hide his tears.

“As do I,” Teal’c said a few moments later, in an uncharacteristic whisper.

The moment was allowed to pass in peace. As Daniel stood back up, he leaned in and hugged Cassie. As he stepped back a little more, Cassie turned her head around to look at her husband, who was standing behind her. She reached her hand out, and he passed her one small object, and one folded piece of paper. She took a moment to wipe her eyes before turning back to Daniel.

“She wanted you to have this,” she said, handing him the small object.

He turned it over in his hands a few times, recognition clear on his face. His mouth slightly turned up into a smile.

“A coin from Pegasus,” he whispered, almost unheard to those around him. He looked at Cassie, then hugged her again. He stepped back, glancing at his friends.

“This is for you, T. She wanted you to have this one,” she said, handing the folded piece of paper to Teal’c.

Teal’c opened the paper up, and immediately smiled. Daniel and Cassie shared a questioning glance with each other because they had never seen Teal’c smile like that. Then Teal’c’s face dropped back to his stoic, serious look.

“It is an old drawing from Rya'c, from many moons ago,” he said, folding the paper back, and bowing reverently at Cassie.  

They all shared a moment of silence glancing at each other, peppering in some small talk here and there, and catching up with everything going on with Cassie and her family.

After a while, Cassie turned her head to her husband, indicating that she was ready to leave. But Cassie stopped him when she saw Jennifer Hailey walking up to her. Jennifer stood in front of Cassie at first, not really knowing what to say. Her eyes were a little glassy, and then she cleared her throat.

“Hi. I wanted to let you all know how instrumental General Carter was to my career. I had a chance to meet with her a few years back when she was here visiting General O’Neill. She was a remarkable woman, mentor, and friend.”

Cassie smiled up at her, and the others standing with Cassie shook her hand, or hugged her, and they carried on the conversation as Cassie’s eyes looked up to the sky just in time to watch an airplane make its final turn to land at Reagan Airport.

Eight Months Earlier

She opened her eyes and saw she was in the Gate room. She couldn’t remember how she got here. That was pretty much par for the course on some of her missions. Knocked out, drank the wrong drink, or inhaled some alien toxin.

She continued down the ramp, finding it odd that no one familiar was around. She walked to the control room and again saw faces she didn’t recognize. She walked up the circular staircase into the briefing room. There were a few people around the table just talking. They must be waiting for the General to come in.

The General! That’s where she was going. She moved past them and appeared in the doorway to the office. He was on the phone and gave her the index finger gesture and mouthed, “Give me a minute,” and so she waited.

When he was done he stood up and smiled bigger than she’d ever seen him smile before.

“Carter! It’s about time you got here!” he said, and walked up to her and took her entire body into his arms in an embrace meant to say, “I’m not letting you go again.”

“Yes, sir, it’s me. I’m here. What’s going on?” she asked into his shoulder.

“Don’t you know?” he asked.

She stood back from him and looked around. She seemed to be taking it all in. Then he watched her face as it seemed to finally register to her.

“I was at our home in Minnesota this morning, but now I’m here. Oh. Does this mean I’m…” she let her sentence fade and she looked up into his eyes with a little bit of fear.

“Ya, sure, you betcha! But it’s OK, Carter. It doesn’t hurt. In fact, you should feel a whole lot better now! How’s the back?” he asked.

He watched her do a little stretching and a standing arching of her back.

“Huh. Look at that! No pain!” she remarked, finally smiling back at him.

“So. Got any plans?” he asked with a laugh.

“I guess just being back with you is my plan,” she said, reaching out for his hand.

“I noticed you came every year for me,” he said stoically, holding her hand gently, but firmly.

She paused, staring deeply into his eyes. 

“I did,” she replied softly.

“You didn’t have to, you know,” he said, taking a step closer to her.

“I know. But it was important to me.”

“I am glad we could do this together this year. I’ve missed holding your hand.”

She smiled up at him, and pulled his hand to her lips and kissed it.

He stared down into her eyes.

“So. Wanna get some coffee?” he asked her.

She looked back to his deep, dark eyes.

“Sure! Cabin? I’ll make it,” she replied with a huge smile on his face.

“Gah! No, Carter! Are you crazy? You know you can’t make coffee!” he said, waving his hands in the air with a huge grin on his face.

She looked at him with a puzzled look on her face, never letting her gaze leave his. He sensed her question before she could speak.

“Yes, I heard what you said,” he said softly, gently sliding the back of his finger down one of her cheeks.

Still unsure of his words, she gazed at his shoulder trying to form a question.

“You said you wanted to make coffee with me, and have me tell you that you make it wrong,” he said, pausing to give her time.

She looked back into his eyes. Realization slowly forming in her mind. Then it clicked.

“Jack,” she said with an exhale, “At your gravesite. I said that years ago. You heard me?” she asked slowly, her eyes glazing over with questions.

“I heard all of it. Every time you came to visit, I heard what you said,” he said, slowly reaching down to take her hand.

They shared a few moments in silence, looking into each other’s eyes, just letting the words hang between them. In moments like these, they rarely needed words. They knew what the other was thinking.

After a few more moments, Jack leaned down and placed a very gentle, warm kiss onto Carter’s lips. He held her for a little while longer. Then they separated. He looked back down at her with his old mischievous look on his face.

“Alright, now time for coffee?” he asked, with emphasis.

“Sure, but I have a few questions. How do we…” he interrupted her.

“Oh this is the best part, Carter! Watch this!”

And he took her, still holding her hand, up through the layers of Stargate Command to the surface, then up into the sky.

“The best coffee is still that little corner shop in DC. Shall we?” he asked.

She replied with that smile he fell in love with on day one.

“Yes. We shall.”