Archive of Our Own ^beta

It’s a given that when troubles occur in the Umbrella Academy, it is Allison they would first come to for ideas to solve their problems.

She is the smartest of them after all. 

Well, maybe she’s not as bright on some things, but she is smart on the stuff that really matters.

(Who the hell is gonna need quantum physics in the real world anyway?)

‘You really think that’s my fault?

It’s the middle of the day and they are standing around the remnants of what seems to be an antique vase gifted by the late emperor a year ago after the Academy’s skirmish with an old gang led by the eclectic supervillain named the Director.

At least, that’s what it used to be. It’s just a bunch of broken glass now, a repercussion from another episode of the daily Luther-Diego show. Why do boys feel the need to beat each other up whenever they see each other? Allison had read once in Girl Up! that boys do this thing to assert dominance or something. It’s kind of like, some gross alpha male thing?

Honestly, Allison doesn’t even want to know.

Diego’s all bristled up, fists tight, like a cat preparing to pounce. Luther's no different either, more like a puppy who got the last bone, with those big eyes and that small frown. Purely observational of course.

‘Of course it’s your fault, you pushed me!’ Luther says. 

‘You ate my food!’ 

‘I didn’t know!’ 

‘Okay, stop it!’ Allison crosses her arms. ‘It doesn’t matter who did it. You guys broke dad’s vase, we are all going to be punished for this.’

Ben and Klaus are idling behind Allison. They, at least, aren’t the ones in trouble this time. Though it feels like only yesterday that Allison’s helping them sort out their fight over who gets to go to the bathroom first.

Wait. That was yesterday. 

‘What’s going on?’ Ben asks. 

‘Oh, you know, usual lover’s quarrel.’ Klaus says. ‘Luther and Diego are fighting again.’

‘Let’s just figure this thing out.' Allison sighs.

Luther and Diego start bickering again. Honestly, it’s impossible to tear them apart when they’re like this, all bristled up and ready to pounce. And to be perfectly frank, Allison is tired of wrangling them from tearing each other's hairs out. It’s like herding a couple of babies. Behind her, Ben and Klaus are watching with mild disinterest, Klaus’s annoyingly loud slurping of his juicebox somehow adds more to her headache than Luther and Diego. 

Allison doesn’t notice Vanya lurking around on the periphery, quiet as a mouse. She tries to intervene, ‘Hey, maybe I can help if—‘

‘Dude!’ Ben cries, ‘You got juice on my shirt!’ 

‘Sorry’, Klaus sips his juice box casually. 

‘Guys!’ Allison snaps her fingers, ‘Focus! We need to sort this out before Dad comes in and I don’t want him yelling at us again. Do you?’ 

They fall silent. 

Vanya starts to talk again, ‘I, uh…. I guess I couldn’t help but overhear you guys, but,’ she stops, ‘But I was just thinking maybe--’

‘We didn’t ask you, Vanya.’ 

‘You are such an asshole, Diego.’ Allison rolls her eyes.

‘Takes one to know one.’ Diego says, because he thinks he’s so smart these days. But Vanya’s already slinked away. 

‘Look’, Allison says, ‘What if we just clean this up, and call Mom. She’ll know what to do.’

‘That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.’ 

They all turn around. 

It’s Five, and Allison thinks she’s starting to understand Diego, and Luther, just a bit. He slinks at them with his hands in his pockets, peering at them with a sneer and a cold, disinterested look in his eye. Five looks at them like they’re doing the bare minimum of what is required and they still manage to disappoint him. 

On any other day, she would roll her eyes and chalk it up to being petty but nowadays Five has gotten really irritating. Maybe it’s because of that time she rumoured Five to surrender his dessert after she ate all hers a couple of months ago and he hasn’t forgiven her since. Or maybe it’s just that Five is going through his alpha male phase like the rest of the guys but this time he’s made it a specific focus to grate on her nerves.

Either way, she doesn’t like him. And she certainly doesn’t need his opinion right now. 

(And besides there's only one alpha in this household and she’s definitely not a man).

‘You always think you know everything—‘

‘I do know everything.’ He says casually, ‘I know you’re all morons who can’t think for yourselves, though I wouldn’t know why you’d want to when all of the ideas coming out of your heads have been one sentence short of stupid. Do you think Mom isn’t gonna rat you out to the old man? He literally made her.’

‘Hey!’ Diego tries to cut him off but Five keeps going. 

‘Second , do you really think Dad hasn’t heard you by now? I could hear your voices all the way from the library.’ 

Diego crosses his arms, ‘Whatever man, I’m just gonna go find a new one.’

‘You can’t, genius. It’s a 500 year old vase. Where the hell are you gonna find a 500-year old vase in the middle of the city?’ 

‘Old vase. Old vase in an old shop. Same difference.’ He shrugs.  

‘I’ll clean this up.’ Luther adds, ‘I’ll take responsibility for it. You guys can go ahead.’

‘Luther, you’re going to hurt yourself if you do that.’ Allison pulls him back. Luther is such a big lug, it would be endearing if he wasn’t so stubborn about everything.

'I'll wear gloves. It's okay, Allison. It's our fault anyway, it's not fair if you get blamed too.' He does that small smile of his that makes him look like a little puppy who just gave up his favourite toy. 

Sheesh.

‘Fine. Just be careful.’

Luther gets to work while the rest of the kids scuttle away, because of course they follow him now. Never mind that it’s Allison they turned to for help in the first place. Allison misses the time when Five would keep to himself. Sure he had his usual comments here and there, but for the most part he’d exist in his own bubble and keep his daily ritual of being a general annoyance contained to his person. 

Lately though, things have changed with Five and she can’t say it’s for the better.

When the rest of the kids are gone, Five goes to leave too. But Five's grin when he turns to her is condescending, so much so that Allison has to physically repress herself from grabbing his neck and wringing it out of him. 

---

‘Does anyone else think Five is being more of an asshole lately?’ 

Allison, Ben and Klaus are in her room. They’re playing Salon Day , as in, Allison pretends she’s going out to the salon and they paint her nails or else she’ll rumour them into eating the old jar of pickles at the back of the fridge. 

‘Isn’t he an asshole all the time?’ Klaus swipes a clean paint of red on her pinky. ‘It’s sort of… Five’s whole jig, you know.’ 

‘Yeah, well, I don’t like it.’ She says.

'No one does.' Ben says, 'Except for Vanya, maybe.' 

Klaus finishes her hand so Allison scooches him over so she can work on his too.

Klaus beams, 'Oh… we could screw with him, you know. Figure out all the nitty gritty secrets swirling around that little head of his.'

‘I’m pretty sure he’s got no secrets, dude.’

'Everyones got secrets.' Allison says. Even the Great Five Hargreeves has got to have some sort of weakness. She knows that Five used to wet the bed when he was four, and that Diego had once startled Five so hard he jumped out of the house to five blocks over. But that’s all kindergarten stuff. Allison knows she can find out something good.

Something worse. 

'I’ll do it. I can figure it out.’ Allison says, resolute. 

If there's anyone who can crack the impenetrable Five Hargreeves it’s The Rumour. 

——-

Vanya Hargreeves is, as always, blissfully unaware of the plan concocting on the floor above her. 

She’s in the kitchen wearing Mom’s apron, her hair tied neatly behind her in a ponytail. The kitchen counter is littered with the aftermath of the past 30 minutes of baking. Smears of dough on the counter, a jenga of bowls and used cooking equipment precariously balanced on top of each other on the sink, open packets of unused cooking ingredients on the table. She swipes an arm over her forehead. Her arm feels like jelly, Vanya doesn’t think she’s got the build for baking. The cookies turned out nice though. She’d baked a dozen of them, half were chocolate chips and half were white chocolate, just in case the others came in and wanted different cookies to eat. 

It seems silly now.

When Five pops in for a quick sandwich, he is hit with the sudden smell of sweetness and baked bread. His stomach grumbles and twists, not just from the smell of cookies, but from Vanya, the nape of her neck and the apron tied to a tiny ribbon around her waist.

‘Five!’ 

Vanya spins to face him. She’s got a patch of flour on her nose that's more like a sprinkle of powdered snow than anything, and a swipe of chocolate that smears lightly on her lip. She looks different. Cuter , even. 

He thinks he might lose his mind.

‘You’ve got…’ He gestures towards his lip. 

'Oh sorry.' She swipes her tongue over it. A glance of wet, pink peeking behind her lips. Something about it makes his throat dry, makes him want to lick his own.

He swallows and looks away.

‘I, uh, I made some cookies. I made some cupcakes too with Mom. It’s not done yet.' She fiddles with her sleeve, 'Was gonna ask everyone else but they're probably busy cleaning up, you know. It was kind of a mess back there.’

‘When is it not? This house is insane.’ 

‘Agreed.’ She nods.

They’re quiet for a bit.

Five came here for something. He came here for her actually. Fuck, how does he start this. 

'They didn't….' He swallows, 'They were assholes.' 

'What?' 

'Before. They just brushed you off.' His hands feel clammy. How is this so hard to say? Sometimes he feels like he’s wired differently. ‘Diego and Luther aren't smart, they're lucky you wanted to help.'

'Oh.' Vanya blinks. 

He wants to say that they don’t deserve her. That she’s good, better than any of them, and she  doesn't deserve to be brushed aside like that. 

Nothing comes out though. 

But her face warms, and the smile that spreads is slow and sweet. She always seems to understand him, even when he can’t. 

'Thanks, Five. For noticing.'

'It's nothing.' He says.

They’re quiet for a bit. 

'I was kind of thinking we could all eat this together later, or something. But I didn’t ask, ‘cause I didn’t think they’d want to anymore.’ Vanya looks down. ‘Do you want to, though?’

‘Just us?’

Vanya nods.

So, it’s like… a date? Or something close to it, at least. He tries to smother a smile. Shit, act cool. 

'I'll go.' 

She perks up, 'Yeah?' 

'Why the hell not.’ He shoves his hands inside his pockets casually. 

‘Well, it’s nearly done, but we can eat together in your room? You guys have a training session soon, right?'

Vanya’s eyes are bright, and her grin is wide. She seems lighter somehow, different, in the way that she does when she’s truly happy. Five can’t help the small smile that creeps across his cheeks when she smiles at him like that. Just like he can’t help the twisting, spinning sensation that always seems to come whenever Vanya does anything towards him. 

Of course that’s when Allison decided to enter the kitchen. 

Shit, he can’t get a moment of quiet in his house. 

‘Hey you.’ Allison points at him. She looks pissed, fuck, he doesn’t need this right now. ‘We need to talk. You and me.’

Vanya looks between them and frowns, ‘Is everything okay?’ 

‘Just peachy.’ Allison grins. 

She stares at Five. 

‘I’m fine, Vanya. I’ll come by later.’

‘Oh, sure, okay.’

Vanya stares at them for a beat, then scurries off. He watches her back disappear behind the door, a secret, lingering glance towards the promise of baked homegoods and Vanya.

 Allison, while being the smartest of the group, was in retrospect, embarrassingly oblivious towards this one secret. To be fair, she was more preoccupied with the fact that she’s about to own his ass. Adrenaline courses down her bloodstream like a raging river. She’s finally going to show this asshole what’s what and she's going to enjoy every bit of it.

‘Five, you better back off!’ She says.

‘What?’ 

‘I said, you better back off! Leave us alone, and stop being an asshole or you’re going to regret it.’ 

‘Unless it escapes your notice, I’m part of the Umbrella Academy. I’m stuck in this hellhole, same as you.’

‘You always think you’re the smartest person in existence.’ 

He scoffs. 

‘And you don’t even try to deny it!’ 

‘I don’t need to. I’m obviously better than all of you.’ Five sneers. 

On another day, this would keep her quiet, fuming in indignation. Five talks like he’s got all the facts in the world, and while Allison is gifted with the powers of her Rumour, Five simply demands the truth in his words through sheer, stubborn will. It’s enough to shut her mouth. To seethe in the indignity of her own powerlessness. 

But not today. Today she’s got the upperhand. 

‘No. You’re not.’ She crosses her arms. ‘And I’ll prove it.’ 

A wide smile splits through her face. 

‘I heard a rumour that you told me your deepest, darkest secrets.’

There’s a twitch on his lip, before his eyes cloud with the familiar, milky-white of her powers. She feels energy pulsing like a beating drum, pounding deep in the veins of her sentence. It’s her words that are facts now, and Allison’s powers tighten and twist until all Five can do is wring out the truth from his tongue. 

But he’s impassive. The color of his eyes dissipate back into green, and he levels her with a stare that can cool the Sahara Desert, ‘What? That I think your hair is stupid or your teeth looks like it got punched in by a rhinoceros? You’ve got to be a little more specific than that.’

‘Well... for starters we can start with what you really feel about the Backstreet Boys.’

He seems to regard her for a moment before saying, ‘They’re…. Not bad.’ 

‘Hah! I knew it! Do you like them?’

‘I love them.’ He blurts out, before covering his mouth with his hand.

Allison laughs. Phew, it worked. For a moment there she thought it wouldn’t, but of course, her powers would never fail her, ‘And you were making fun of me for liking them! We would have listened to their latest album together, you boys are always hiding your feelings its so stupid.’ 

His hand fists tight, and his cheeks are bright, almost like he’s… embarrassed. Who would have thought? 

It’s honestly kind of creepy but whatever, it would be funnier later. 

‘What the hell did you do?’ 

‘I told you, you’re going to tell me your deepest darkest secrets.’

‘I don’t have to tell you anything.’ Five snaps.

He tries to blink away but he finds his feet unable to move. 

‘You’re not done telling me aren't you? ‘S’ , for ‘secrets’. That’s plural for secret, which means it’s gonna have to be more than one.’  Allison cant help the smug, satisfied smile crawling across her face. It's not everyday she gets to one-up the Umbrella Academy’s resident asshole but damn does it feel good.

He’s pissed though which is typical, ‘I know what plural means!’

‘Yeah? Then tell me another one.’ She thinks a little before saying, ‘What do you think of… the new top I wanted to wear for the City Hall ceremony tomorrow night?’

‘They’re hideous.’

‘Fair.’

Allison taps her chin.

‘Why are you being so annoying lately?’

‘I’m not.’ He frowns. ‘It’s all of you who's been treating Vanya like shit.’ 

‘So this is about Vanya?’  She frowns, ‘Why her?’

‘I love her.’ He covers his mouth instantly. Allison blinks.

What?

Five’s eyes widens. His face pales. He looks like a deer in the headlights.  

Oh my god. No way.

‘You’re in love with Vanya?’

‘Yes.’ He purses his lips. ‘I don’t know. Maybe it's something close to it.’

‘Oh my god.’ Allison wants to laugh. This is…. Amazing? Five in love? 

There’s no way he’s lying. He can’t lie. She can feel her powers hold on him like phantom fingers, the hold of it on his tongue. He looks shaken too. Like the time Diego doused him in a bucket of freezing water after he wouldn’t get up from his alarm. 

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. 

It’s better than anything she could’ve hoped. 

Now she needs details. Stat. 

‘Alright!’ Allison claps her hands, ‘Tell me everything.’ 

‘I’m attracted to her. Physically.’ He seems to try to hold himself back before he blurts, ‘I want to have sex with her.’

‘Oh.’

Abort, abort, abort! 

‘I steal Diego’s porn stash at night and imagine—‘

‘That’s enough!’ Allison cries, she definitely does not need to know this, ‘I heard a rumour you went back to normal!’  

Cold realization washes over the room as Allison and Five try to comprehend what the heck just happened. Allison doesn’t think she needs to know further than her brother’s penchant for projection. In fact, it’s gross. She really wants to erase that from her mind. 

It’s Five who breaks the silence though.

‘You will not tell anyone about this.’ His words are bitten, edged with teeth. He’s furious. ‘No one . Will know.’

Logically, Allison should have some concern over her impending doom. If Five is one thing, it’s that he doesn’t pose empty threats, not when he can give it back, tenfold. And from the color and tremble of his rage, Allison bets there’s only seconds left to living existence as she knows it.

But it’s all different now. Allison knows that underneath all that anger, and smarmy behaviour, hides a secret, sensitive bud flowering like the first promises of spring. Who knew Number Five could channel emotions outside of being a general annoyance towards common society?

Who knew Number Five could be in love?

‘I won’t tell anyone’, She says, ‘I won’t tell You-know-who too.’

‘There is no You-know-who.’ He grits his teeth. His face is burning, all red and blotchy, and it’s such a weird sight. She’s almost tempted to make fun of him, but the business of love is a serious matter. Especially unrequited love. 

It makes sense then, that Five loves hanging around Vanya so much. He’s been waiting for her, all this time, and yet has he ever looked at him the same way? Has her heart ever stuttered at his glance, leapt at the slight brush of her hand on his? Has she ever wanted to face the northern winds, be bathed under the crystalline lights of a thousand stars while she’s held between the arms of her one, true love?

Poor Five.

She places a hand on his arm sympathetically.

‘There is no You-know-who.’ She nods, understanding. 

Furious, Five rips her hand away from his arm and tears into space. 

—-

It's well into the afternoon when Klaus and Diego decided to interrupt her study session in the library. 

‘So….’ Klaus rests his head on the table,  ‘What sort of ghastly little secrets did Number Five reveal during your little ‘interrogation’ session? Does he have a double life? Did he eat his twin in the womb? Does he use Diego’s razor to shave his pubes?’ 

‘Dude!’

‘No, gross?’ Allison wrinkles her nose. She doesn’t know how she managed to survive this long living under the same roof with five boys, ‘Anyway, I don’t think I can even say. It’s… complicated, you know. I can’t talk about it.’

 She does a heavy sort of faraway sigh that only people burdened with unknowable truths can understand.

 Diego snorts, ‘Whatever. I’ll ask Ben.’ 

‘Ben doesn’t know. No one does, it’s a secret.’

But Diego’s already gone.

‘I’ll go with Diego just cause I have nothing better to do.’

And Klaus is gone as well.

Allison rolls her eyes. Really, the boys in here are all incredibly dense. Even Luther. 

Especially Luther.

 ——-

However, she doesn’t act on it until later in the week.

Maybe Allison is a little bit merciful this way. She waits until another harrowing mission at the city, when they barely scrape by catching an armed squad in another bank robbery, before making her move and striking in for the kill. 

Rumours used at the right moment can be very scary indeed. 

Five and Vanya are together, obviously. They’re at the library, perched on the same couch. Allison finds books piled neatly near their feet, and music sheets pressed in between. It’s late into the afternoon, and the sun is scorching down the wooden tiles. The pair are bathed under a faint glow that seems to shine down their figures like heavenly light. 

Allison notes the first aid kit opened haphazardly on top of their pile. Vanya must have fixed him up. Typical Five and Vanya. She wonders how long these two have been close. It seems like a certain fact that Vanya has always been the one Five prefers the most. He always goes to her first after every mission, or seeks her company the most when she’s nearby. But Vanya’s presence is so small that Allison had hardly ever noticed his growing affection. Now, with his head on her shoulder and her knees knocking against his, it seems like the most obvious thing.

Allison walks towards them like she’s carrying a secret. 

Five watches her sharply. 

She doesn’t know that Five spent the week jittering with a dizzying swirl of anxiety and suspense. He snaps at Klaus more, is more sloppy with his spatial jumps, and nearly landed on his face walking down the stairs this morning. If there’s one thing he doesn’t like, it’s not knowing. And while Allison can be dumb on most things, she can be very smart on the things that matter. 

She’s casual when she brings it up though. Casuality, and conversation has always been Allison’s strong suit, unlike a certain someone. 

‘You know, Vanya’, Allison says, ‘Five got really hurt in the mission today.’ 

Five’s glare is scorching. She smiles at him, ‘In fact, I think you should check up on him.’

‘I…’ Vanya looks at him concerned, ‘Is that true?’

‘No .’ He grits his teeth, ‘I’m fine.’

‘Men are like that.’ She says, matter-of-fact, ‘They love to act all tough and hide their feelings, but it just makes them look stupid. They really should just do us all a favour and say what they feel.’

Vanya frowns, ‘You did seem kind of weird this morning….’

‘It’s Allison you should be worried about, there’s obviously something wrong with her brain.’

Allison ignores him. ‘I really think you should take a look at him, Vanya.’ 

‘Allison, stay out of this!’ 

‘Stay out of what?’ Vanya asks. 

‘Nothing!’ He snaps. 

Five can be a real jerk. Allison thinks Vanya would scurry away, or cry, just like she always does when she’s upset. But she’s surprised when Vanya reaches for his arm instead, and it’s like she calls him to heel. His shoulder slacks, his breathing softens, and the anger dissipates from his eyes like a fuzz of blue . 

‘Hey, are you really okay?’ Vanya’s voice is soft. She reaches to tuck a small strand of his hair away from his forehead, ‘You don’t need to hide from me, you know.’ 

‘I’m fine.’ He says, but there’s a strain on his voice she’s never heard from before. He is looking at Vanya in an odd sort of way, something between gratitude and quiet longing, and when she places her hand on his hand he seems to melt into it, just a little bit.

‘I’ll stay with you if you don’t want to get Mom.’

‘Don’t worry about me’, he says, dismissive.

‘I don’t mind.’ She smiles at him. ‘Worrying about you is kind of a full-time job, you know. I don’t think anyone would want to do it but me.’ 

He looks at her carefully.

'Come on, lets see.'

She nudges his arm. It’s sort of playful the way she gives him that lopsided grin, something she’s never seen her give anyone else before. He looks at her, sighs, then scoots to face her. Vanya leans and puts her hand on his forehead. They’re close now, closer than they’ve ever been and, and… that’s her cue to leave.

Five can be a stubborn prat but Allison thinks that he’s lucky to have someone as smart as her on his side. He won’t appreciate it now, but he’ll thank her later.

Now the next step is to get them together.